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The Inheritance
Chapter 1
I think I died at birth. It would explain the emptiness in my
heart, that theory is better than the days I think I am a vampire.
I don't know much about anything, I know what is expected of
me though. Every morning without fail I wake up, make food for
my little brother and I, then make sure he goes to school. That
has been routine since I was 15, I became a parent the day my
mother was gunned down along with her boyfriend. I never
asked why but I know it was his fault, it didn't take a genius to
figure that part out. Also my Grandmother without fail
reminded us that our mother was an idiot, who left her with us
because of a man. She lived her life to please him, my little
brother is a result of that toxic love. I always wondered why
women let men put them through hell, I have always been
curious.
I think if I would visit a women's prison, and ask everyone
there; How did you end up here?. 8/10 would be there because
of men. They are always the common denominator when it
comes to women making the worst mistakes. I sometimes wish
my mother never died though, I sometimes wish I was never
born and I often wish I never had to take care of myself and my
brother.
1
Maybe because of everything in my life that's why I worked
harder than everyone else. When I told my grandmother I can
afford to look after my brother, work and still go to varsity there
was somewhat of a miscommunication between us. She
assumed I was saying; " We will be moving out". I am
sometimes grateful for that miscommunication, other days I
feel like I am way over my head with everything;
Qhama" I'll fall asleep soon, just don't forget to lock the door"
Me" Okay, I will be back before you know it"
Qhama"Okay"
Me" Okay"
My little brother and I have been renting a backroom, my
allowance (a government bursary for underprivileged varsity
students) pays for the rent and the money I make from
waitressing covers groceries and transport.
Qhama"Promise to wake me up when you come back"
Me" Okay"
Qhama"You are coming back right?"
I nodded, he always asks me that question.
Me" I'll always come back for you. Always"
He was all that I had, I was all he had. I may have been forced to
be his parent, but it was my choice to accept that duty.
"Goodnight kid"
*
My transport arrived, I decided to listen to music and let my
imagination take me to another world. A world where I have a
normal life because when you are raised without love, you look
for it and you accept what is given to you. You take it, even if
you know deep down inside, it isn't love yet you take it because
it's what's on the table. I always imagine what it's like to be
loved, truly loved. Like have parents that would do anything for
you type of love, I have been always curious about that. I think
about this a lot because I wonder if my brother misses them or
wonders what it would be like to have parents. I often think he
will hate me, that scares me.
1
"Yaya"
I looked up
Sange" Wake up woman!"
I didn't even notice we arrived, I work at a night club and it's
popular amongst young professionals and varsity students. Our
personal favorite tourists, the tips were good. I went straight to
the bathroom to change my clothes and wore my uniform.
Me" I am so sleepy"
Sange" Preach"
I went to my first table, it seemed like we will have a quiet
night. I hope Robert will ask me to go home. A bunch of guys
walked in followed by a group of girls, and they were my table.
They ordered everything under the sun, I attended to their
needs. I knew two of them but I doubt they even know me, Our
Campus is really big. Yea, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with
it.
*
At exactly 00:15 I was done working, I walked to McDonald's
because I was starving. I ordered food for me and my little
brother.
"Your bag is not closed"
I looked at the guy who was speaking to me. I smiled then
nodded.
Me"Thanks"
Him" How long have you been waiting?"
Me" Not that long"
He nodded
"Be patient with them, night shift is really hard because your
body just wants to be in bed at this moment"
He smiled
Him" I am not in a hurry, I was just asking because you look like
you might sleep on this table"
I honestly didn't even realize I was seated on a table with
someone. I just grabbed a table and sat.
Me" I might but I need to get home, so I won't"
"Just stop me from passing out"
Him" I'll try"
We both sat in silence, they shouted his order then mine.
"Where can I drop you off?"
Me"I will take uber, but thank you for the offer"
Him"I don't think you should, I honestly don't mind dropping
you off"
I thought about it for a minute, the possibility of getting
kidnapped. It crossed my mind.
Me"I have a brother, I take care of him and I am the only family
he has"
He looked confused at first.
Him" I'm Yanga, wait, advocate Yanga Baliso, you can take a
picture of my number plate if that will make you comfortable"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Siyaphi?"
Me" New Brighton"
In the car we made small talk, he didn't ask me for my name. He
was confident, you could tell by the way he was driving. He was
in his element and I found that cute.
"Aggrey"
I said my street's name and he smiled at me;
Yanga"Okay baba"
I directed him until we got to my place, he stopped the car and I
wondered would it be appropriate if I just got off or am I forced
to make small talk.
Me"Thank you"
Yanga"Here"
He gave me nuggets and chocolates.
"For your little brother"
Me"Thank you"
Yanga" Don't mention it"
I got out of the car, he waited for me to get inside and then he
left.
The beginning
Chapter 2
"Ndithathe nanto?"
My brother and I were grocery shopping, he always writes his
own list but he can never take the things he claims to want.
Me" Uyithathile ipapa?"
He nodded
Qhama" Let's go"
We barely bought anything
Me" No, take what's on your list"
Qhama" Unayo imali wena?"
Me" Ewe"
He still looked uncomfortable, so I grabbed 4 boxes of different
cereals and threw them in the trolley. I bought the usual stuff
and he was staring at me like I am crazy.
Me" Should I get you hot chocolate?"
I just took it and some Milo, I took rooibos tea for him and Earl
grey for myself.
Qhama"Yaya?"
Me" Qhama?"
Qhama" Ngezethu?"
I nodded
Me" Yonke lento nge yam nawe"
He giggled
Qhama" Yho! I'm going to eat the chocolate alone"
I laughed, seeing my little brother smile like this took me back.
When my mother passed away no one wanted us, so for a year I
took care of him and we struggled. Some times we didn't have
anything to eat and we would eat at school, thanks to the
feeding scheme. On weekends I started doing promotions, I was
too young for alcohol promos, all I did was in-store and the
money wasn't that much but it helped us. Until Qhama got sick
and they forced my Grandmother to take us in, the social
workers had to step in. That's how we moved to PE and
honestly it wasn't any better because she was old and she
didn't want us naye, not because she didn't love us, I just think
she hated our mother so much that we were a reminder of her.
I have done so much for Qhama and I that I sometimes think I
don't even know what it's like to take care of myself because he
has always been my first priority. And right now, seeing him
smile, I am proud of myself and what I have managed to do for
us.
Me" Lets pay, so I can go do my assignments"
Qhama" Yaphangela?"
Me" Nope, I'm off today. You're stuck with me"
Qhama" Good"
The following day I woke up and did our laundry then went for a
walk. I left him watching tv, and pretending to do his
homework.
"I know you"
I turned around to see who said that, I recognised the car. I
didn't know a lot of people who drove that car or any car for
that matter.
Me" Hi"
I wasn't sure if I should stand or just carry on walking.
Yanga" Uyakwa K.K?"
He said pointing at the Tshisa nyama place
Me" No, I'm going back to my place"
Yanga" Your boyfriend waiting?"
I nodded
Me" He is watching Ben 10 but I know he will soon start getting
worried about me"
He looked confused
Yanga" Ben 10?"
Me" He loves it, don't worry I also don't get the fuss"
"It was nice seeing you again"
Yanga" I don't know your name"
I laughed
Me" I don't think it matters"
He smiled
Yanga" Why?"
Me" I mean it's not like we are friends or anything like that"
Yanga" True but what if I want to be your friend?"
Me" I have enough of those"
Yanga" What? You can never have enough friends"
Me" Are you the friendship police?"
Yanga" If I say yes will you tell me your name?"
I laughed at him
Me" No"
Yanga" You have a beautiful smile"
"You should smile more often"
Me" Thanks"
These two guys came to joy us, they had a tray filled with meat.
" I should get going"
Yanga" I'll walk you"
His friends looked confused, I could understand their confusion.
Nothing about the screamed beautiful, I was wearing a EFFSC t-
shirt and leggings with worn out Black All Star. My S-curl well
let's just say the "curl" was no longer there. And he was in a
white shirt that hugged his muscle so well! And blue ripped
denim jeans and white Adidas Stan Smith sneakers. Did I
mention how amazing he smell?.
Me" If I tell you my name, can you promise to not follow me?"
Yanga" Your name and cell number"
Me" Nope"
Yanga" Okay, name"
Me" Yazini"
Yanga" What?"
Me" That's my name"
He laughed, I always get that reaction, to a point where I just
wait for them to finish laughing.
Yanga" Now I have to walk you home, I need you to explain your
name"
I didn't protest because Qhama was probably starting to panic
and I didn't want him to wonder off.
Me" Can I ask you something?"
Yanga" Yea"
Me" Why are you being kind towards me?"
Yanga" I am generally a kind person, I don't have a valid reason"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" I don't want anything from you"
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" You just looked sad and I wanted to make you smile"
"Wasn't my intention to harass you"
Me" Yazini inceba ka Yesu"
"That's what my name means"
Yanga"That's different"
Me" I know, I prefer being called Yaya"
Yanga" I don't think I will call you that, I love your name way too
much"
We got to my place and like I predicted Qhama was standing
outside, looking for me.
Yanga" Ohhhh hahaha, now I get the Ben 10 thing"
"Is he yours?"
I nodded
Yanga" Kanti unangaphi?"
Me" 20 and he will soon be 9 years old"
I smiled at Qhama when I said that.
Qhama" Wena unangaphi?"
He laughed
Yanga" 33"
Qhama" Yhuuuuuuuuuu"
We both laughed
Me" Thanks for walking me home"
Yanga" I'm glad I did"
Qhama"Siyobukela isoccer thina"
"Ufuna uhamba?"
Yanga had this huge grin on his face.
Me" He doesn't like soccer"
Yanga" I love it"
We had a mini starring contest and he laughed
"I'll take you"
Me" We will take a taxi"
"Okay then, we are taking a taxi"
I laughed and he smiled
Yanga" I'll be back at half 3"
"Ithini inumber ka sister wakho?"
Qhama told him my number and it was the only time I actually
regret teaching him my number.
Me" You are wrong for this"
Yanga" After this, I will stay away"
Me" You promise?"
Yanga" I don't make those"
"I however don't lie, so if your wish is to never see me again,
then I will stay away"
Me"Okay"
Yanga" Half 3?"
I nodded
Qhama" Yes! Ungabi late ke"
We both laughed at him
Yanga" Asoze"
I feel so stupid right now, why am I stressing over what to
wear?????!!!!!. I am not that girl!
Qhama" Yaya, sizoba late"
I decided fuck it, I'll just be comfortable. I just wore plain blue
jeans, a white t-shirt, an oversized olive green jacket and white
sneakers. At 15:25, my phone rang and I assumed that's him
because I didn't recognize the number.
Qhama" Khawuleza!"
He ran leaving me behind, I locked our place. I didn't recognize
this car because when I first met him he was driving a smaller
car and now he was in a black Range Rover. Qhama was already
in the car, that made me laugh because he didn't even know
this guy but he was already comfortable in his car. I got in and
he was looking at me, it was like he has never seen me before. I
think it was the make up or the wig, he cleared his throat.
Yanga" Seatbelt on please"
He played music then wore his sunglasses and with that we
were gone. Qhama filled the silence with his gibberish, Yanga
was laughing and asking him questions, Qhama was having so
much fun.
Me" Yey! We are here"
Iooked for our tickets, then took them out.
Yanga" Come with me"
Ndithi he was in his element, he had Qhama on his one hand
and I was next to Qhama. Everyone was trying to get his
attention, he would stop to chat and then we would carry on
walking. Qhama? He was in heaven! My brother was on the
Yanga train.
Me" Where are we going?"
Yanga" VIP"
He said it like I was supposed to know. My brother had the time
of his life, I don't think I have ever seen Qhama this happy. He
passed out on our way back home.
Me" Thank you for today"
Yanga" I had a good time"
Me" Qhama had an amazing time"
Yanga" I know, he is a good boy"
Me" Well thanks anyway"
Yanga" Don't wake him up, will carry him inside"
I was reluctant but then I relaxed because I'm not ashamed of
my place. When I first moved in here, I only had a mattress and
a two plate stove. Now I have a bed and some furniture. It
wasn't much but to us it was home. I unlocked the door, it was
messy because we left in a hurry.
Me" I'll walk you out"
Yanga" Sho"
"I'd like to see you again"
Me" I can't, Qhama and I are a package deal"
Yanga" I don't mind that"
Me" I do though, if I expose him to you and whatever this might
be fails, then he will be disappointed. I don't like seeing him
hurt"
Yanga" I respect that"
Me" Thanks for understanding"
Yanga" You have my number"
Someone play Kehlani's I'm not used to it!!!!!
Chapter 3
I haven't spoken to Yanga since that day, that was two months
ago. I meant it when I said I don't have room in my life for
relationships. He respected it because he never called or came
around here, Qhama asked about him every now and then but
he eventually stopped.
Me" I need to get home"
I hate writing tests on Saturday, the shitty part is I was working
izolo and I am working tonight. I will be a zombie.
Sange" Ungena bani?"
Me" 5 and you?"
Sange" 9, I'm working as a runner tonight"
A taxi going straight to New Brighton stopped for us.
Me" I'll see you tonight"
Sange" Sho"
I eventually got to my place and Qhama was curled up in bed.
Me" Utheni?"
Qhama" Susu"
He was heating up too, I didn't have money to take him to the
doctor and clinics were closed. My tips from tonight and the
ones from yesterday would be enough but right now I couldn't
afford that because my Grandmother asked to borrow money
from me and she hasn't paid it back.
Me" Ina"
I made him drink some water, then went outside to call my
gran.
Me" Hello"
Khulu" Molo"
Me" I need la mali, Qhama has a running tummy and I need to
take him kwa gqirha"
Khulu" Andinayo"
That's all she said to me, this is her grandson for fucksakes!.
Me" Then can I drop him off there because I have to be at work
two hours from now"
Khulu" Hay, ndizoba busy"
She hung up! I started pacing around trying to figure out who
can look after Qhama. Sange is working, Khanya has some
family gathering so I doubt he can tonight. I couldn't ask my
landlord because she once called social workers on me and this
is why I can't go to work and leave Qhama alone when he is
sick.
Me" Qhama"
He was inside the blankets watching Spongebob. I decided to
lay next to him and I gave him a panado and anti-inflammatory
pills. Then I cuddled him, humming until he fell asleep, I decided
to quickly freshen up and get ready for work. I was finally
dressed and ready to go, I just had waiting for the babysitter.
My phone vibrated and it was a text from the sitter;
"I'm outside"
I went to open the gate for him, he got out of the car and
smiled at me. He was wearing a Navy sweater, jeans and flip
flops. Yet he still looked amazing.
Me" Thank you"
Yanga" It's cool"
He didn't mention me ghosting him, nothing like that which was
surprising.
Me" I knock off at 11:30pm and I will be home a little after 12
because getting an uber can be a mission at that time"
Yanga" I have to take him to my place, I have a lot of work and
being here is like invading your privacy"
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable"
Me" I don't know your place"
Yanga" What time do you have to be at work?"
Me" 4:45"
He checked the time
Yanga" Masambeni"
I woke Qhama up, then got a jacket for him and took one for
myself. I packed him snacks, then locked and we left. I don't
think Qhama noticed we were with Yanga because he was still
quiet. He really didn't look good.
Me" If he gets worse please tell me"
Yanga" Did you give him something?"
Me" Panado"
"It's all I had"
Yanga" Okay"
Me" I am trying"
Yanga" I am not judging you Yazini"
"I am just trying to figure out if I have something for him at
home"
His house was everything I imagined, simple and not over the
top but clean and beautiful at the same time.
Yanga" I have a dog but he harmless"
I looked at Qhama
Me" Boy, uzoshiyeka no Yanga"
He nodded
Qhama" Uzobuya?"
Me" I will always come back for you"
I gave him a hug, my uber arrived just like Yanga promised it
will. I left for work with a heavy heart.
"Your uber is outside, it's a black Toyota"
A little after Yanga's text came in, uber sent me a message that
my uber has arrived. I got it and it took me to Yanga's place. I
called him to buzz us in, he opened and the uber dropped me
off. I heard a dog barking, I think I am the only human who is
scared of dogs. He opened the door and looked at me, he didn't
say anything just stared at me.
Me" It's cold"
Yanga" I'm sorry, ngena"
He moved away from the door, Qhama came to me running and
I screamed because this huge dog was coming my way.
Yanga" Qhama take Giant to the kitchen"
Qhama ran again and the dog followed him.
Me" I am scared of dogs"
Yanga" Giant is a Great Dane dog, he is a friendly giant"
Me" Still scared of it"
Yanga" That's my son, you'll love him"
I laughed
Me" Qhama is fine?"
Yanga" I had to take him to the doctor, he is fine now, he has all
these meds to take but yea he is back to being chatty"
Me" I can only pay you back month end for the doctor's visit"
Yanga" I don't want your money"
"I need you to relax, we will go to the kitchen, you need to eat"
Me" I'm scared of your dog"
Yanga" Giant isn't about harming anyone but bad people. He
will sniff you and if you are calm, you'll get so much loving from
him"
It's as if the dog knew, he came into he living room and ran
straight to me.
Yanga" Stay calm"
"Look at me"
I looked at him and I smiled, the dog sniffed me then started
licking me.
Qhama" Giant!"
It ran to Qhama, this dog was literally the same height as my
little brother. But he was playing with it and laughing when the
dog licked him. Disturbing shit if you ask me.
Yanga" Want to take a shower?"
Me" I'll clean up when we get home"
Yanga" Can he sleep over here?"
"I promised I will ask"
Qhama was now looking at us
Me" Qhama"
Qhama" Just tonight Yaya"
Me" Why?"
Qhama" He has an Xbox and a PlayStation"
Me" I can't sleep here"
Yanga" Go out, sleep over kwi boyfriend yakho. Take this as a
free pass for you to act your age"
I laughed
Me" That's the thing, I've never dated, I have crushes but I don't
date because I have Qhama and he is a full-time job. I work, go
to Varsity and then take care of my little brother"
" So he is ditching me for you and I don't know what to do with
myself"
Yanga" That's not right, your twenties are important, you get to
discover who you are and make silly mistakes. It's a rite of
passage"
"And make no mistake, Qhama will live his life and you'll resent
him because you stopped living yours to take care of him"
Me" I can't live mine because I can't get anyone to look after
him. My landlord once called social workers on me because I
was at work and Qhama was left alone, I don't need a repeat of
that. I am content with my life"
Yanga" You cannot be content with the unknown, you haven't
live, you haven't experienced. You can't mistake acceptance for
being content"
"Tomorrow are you working?"
Me" No"
Yanga" Call up your friends, invite them for lunch. Go to Cubana
and ask for the table outside"
Me" I don't have money"
Yanga" Just text your friends and tell them to meet you at
Cubana at 3pm tomorrow"
Me" And Qhama?"
Yanga" I'll take care of everything"
"You know, it takes a village and it's okay to ask for help without
feeling like you have failed"
I gave him a hug.
Me" Thank you"
Yanga" Take my bed"
"You two will be fine?"
I was confused
Me" Uyaphi wena?"
He laughed
Yanga" Never waste a Saturday night"
He grabbed his car and house keys then he left. We were left
alone in his house, didn't this guy think I would steal from him?
Or maybe go through his things?.
Qhama" Sizo lala apha?"
I nodded
Me" Awufuni ulala?"
Qhama" Can Giant sleep with us?"
Me" No, hay Qhama"
"Utyile?"
He nodded
Qhama" We went to Spur, your food is in the fridge"
"Yi boyfriend yakho?"
Me" No"
Qhama" Okay"
Me" Why"
Qhama" Nix"
We both laughed
Me" I'm glad you are okay again"
Qhama" Me too"
What does one wear to a lunch date that you can't even
afford?. I decided on a black Lord of the rings t-shirt, blue
ripped mommy jeans and black peep toe ankle boots. I grabbed
my biker jacket and shoulder bag. I called Yanga because he said
he will fetch me.
Me" Ndigqibile"
Yanga" Ndise Mbizweni"
Me" Okay, ndiyeza"
I locked and went straight to where he was, he was literally four
minutes away from me. I spotted his car and he was standing
there with friends.
Me" Hey"
" I don't see Qhama"
He laughed
Yanga" I took Giant to the dog spa and Qhama didn't want Giant
to be alone. Don't worry, he is safe. I'm actually heading back to
check on them"
His friends were staring at us
Me" Hi, I'm Yaya"
Yanga" Sive and Ongama"
He said pointing at his friends
"We can go"
Me" It was nice meeting the both of you"
I smiled, then got in the car. He wore his sunglasses then played
Cassper Nyovest's Tito Mboweni.
Me" People are staring at you"
Yanga" I love to inspire"
He started his car and we left, Yanga was everything he thought
he was. Like it was hard to not smile. We started at the dog spa,
he went in and I stayed in the car. Qhama was eating an ice
cream, him and Giant got in.
Me" You know today is your last day with Giant"
Qhama" I know"
Giant licked Qhama's face and I almost threw up. But he has
giggling.
Yanga" Lets go"
We arrived at Cubana a little after 3, he gave me a roll of
money.
"Order whatever your friends want, have fun, and call me when
you are done. I'll come fetch you"
Me" This is crazy"
Yanga" Just go"
"Have fun"
I got out of the car and went inside, I saw Khanya and Sange.
We asked the hostesses to move us outside.
Sange" Mfazi"
Khanya" What's the occasion?"
Me" Not even sure, Yanga made me organize this. Apparently I
am wasting my 20's"
Our waitress came and ordered a plate of nachos as a starter,
and one bottle of Hennessey with mixers.
Khanya" Order 6 liquid cocaine too"
"And Hooker"
Me" Don't you have classes tomorrow?"
Sange" That's tomorrow's problem"
I met both of them at work, Sange and I are both at Nmu and
Khanya is at Varsity College.
Khanya" So Yanga is your boyfriend?"
Me" Nope, I don't even know yintoni but we not dating"
"Qhama loves him though"
Sange" Wena?"
Me" Don't have time"
Khanya" That excuse never gets old"
Our food came, drinks and the pipe, we were smoking, laughing
and venting. It was so fun, I don't think I have ever experienced
this side of them and they said the same about me.
Me" So I am drunk"
"But in a cool way"
We all laughed
Sange" What's the bill"
Me" Our salary"
Khanya" 4000rand?!"
We all laughed because we just spent our salary on money and
food.
Sange" I was about to say I can contribute 500rand"
"Let me offer to wash their dishes"
We were laughing while the waitress stood there waiting for us.
Me" Sis it say 4000 here"
The waitress nodded
Khanya" Andinayo tuuu engako imali"
I laughed, while taking my phone to call Yanga.
Me" Hey"
Yanga" Hey yourself"
Me" Our bill is 4000rand"
Yanga" Pay it"
Me" I don't have that much money"
Yanga" I gave you 7000rand"
I chocked on me own spit then cleared my throat.
" Should we come fetch you?"
Me" Yes please, but you'll carpool because these idiots are way
too drunk for uber"
Yanga" See you soon"
I hung up then looked at the waitress
Me" Sorry to keep you waiting"
I looked at my friends
"I'll pay"
Khanya" Uphambene"
I took out the money and started counting, added a 300rand
tip. When I looked up my friends were staring at me.
Me" Got it from Yanga"
Sange" Ligintsa?"
Me" No"
Khanya" Yea, ligintsa"
Me" He is on his way to fetch us, ask him"
Sange ordered sparkling water for us, Yanga called announcing
he is outside. We took our things and left.
Khanya" That's him?"
I nodded
Sange" Yho!"
Khanya" I'd risk it all for him, ndinga thengisa nendlu yase khaya
le"
We all laughed, we got in the car and he introduced himself.
Me" We start at Ivana then go drop off Khanya in Linkside"
Sange" Awumhle Bhuti"
Yanga laughed
Me" Please play some music to shut these idiots up"
He played some RnB, we dropped Sange off then Khanya.
Khanya" Thank you for today babe"
I hugged him.
Me" Thanks for coming, I had a really great time"
Khanya" See you Tuesday"
I got back in the car and Yanga was staring at me.
Me" What?"
Yanga" You said you are not seeing anyone"
Me" And I am not"
Yanga" And him?"
Me" Khanya is gay"
Yanga" Nyani? But why isn't he like other gay guys?"
Me" Being gay is not a personality trait"
"He doesn't have to be flamboyant to prove his sexuality"
He smiled
Yanga" Okay, my bad"
Me" Yes"
Yanga" We need to stop at McDonalds, I promised Qhama that I
will bring them nuggets"
Me" Do you like my brother or are you just doing this to get to
me?"
Yanga" I don't need to use your little brother to get to you.
That's evil and I am not evil, I want you and I won't lie about
that. But I actually like your brother"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Okay"
Me" I like you too"
He smiled
Yanga" I know"
"Spend the night at my place again"
Me" Okay"
"But I'm not ready for sex, I don't want to be drunk when I have
my first time"
Yanga" Okay"
Me" Okay"
Okay.
Chapter 4
Moving in with Yanga happened so gradually that even I didn't
know it was happening. It started when I was writing my exams,
he offered to take care of Qhama and I would go study with my
friends. He would uber me back to his place, this happened
before June recess. Then during recess I worked then went over
to him, days I wasn't working I spent with Qhama but he would
join us sometimes. Qhama went back to school before me,
during the day we got to know each other and I would
sometimes go watch him in court if he was at the New Brighton
court. I went back to Varsity and he was swapped with work, he
would fetch us and we could chill while I did my assignments
and he went over his cases. Qhama would just play with Giant
or the PlayStation. Then my final exams came, I took less shifts
so I could study more, he took care of Qhama on weekends
even though I told him a thousand times, if you lock Qhama in
he will never go outside but he didn't want to hear that.
Qhama's school holidays started and this December his father's
little sister asked if they can have him for two weeks. I didn't
have a reason to say no, they were his family and she called him
almost every week. She sent us money whenever she could, I
told her to stop however because we were fine.
Me" Qhama where are your clothes?"
Qhama" They are at Bhuti's house"
"You didn't bring them back"
That's when I noticed that we didn't have a lot of clothes here.
Not that we have a million clothes but after school Qhama
wears his pyjamas, clothes are worn on weekends.
Me" Okay, just take your toiletry and throw it in the bag"
"I'll call Yanga"
I stepped outside to call him, he picked up after a while.
Me" Hey, are you busy?"
Yanga" Hey, how are you?"
Me" Sorry. Good and you?"
Yanga" Don't sweat it. Sort of, what's up?"
Me" Qhama is going to Cape Town tonight, half of his clothes
are at your place"
Yanga" You forgot your key?"
Me" No, I have it but was just checking if you not busy"
Yanga" With what?"
I felt stupid
"I'm not home, I'll request an uber for you"
Me" No, it's fine"
Yanga" Intoni?"
Me" I'll make a plan"
Yanga" A plan for what?"
"You have your own keys, you know the codes and I don't think
you are still scared of Giant, it's been months. So what's the
problem?"
Me" You sound annoyed"
Yanga" I'm irate because I know what you are insinuating and I
don't know why you would think that"
Me" I also don't"
Yanga" Should I request the uber?"
Me" No, it's cool"
Yanga" Sho"
I am not his type and the last six months were just proof of that.
Don't get me wrong, I am beautiful, I am all those things that
society seems to think that they matter but I am not as lady like.
I clean up well yes, but just not like the girls he is used to. His
one friend even said that I am not Yanga's usual type.
Qhama" I'm done"
Me" I need to go fetch your clothes at Yanga's place"
Qhama" Can I go with you?"
Me" Yea, your Aunt will get here at 6"
Qhama" Okay"
We requested an uber, I took everything Qhama might need
that's this side. I had to work today so I wasn't planning on
coming back. My phone rang and it was Yanga.
Me" Hey"
Yanga" Uphi?"
Me" My place, waiting for an uber"
Yanga" Cancel the trip, Ongama is outside"
"I'll see you later"
Me" Okay"
He hung up and I cancelled my trip, his friend didn't make small
talk tuu. He just helped me with Qhama's bag. We arrived at
Yanga's place and we thanked him then got off. As soon as I
opened the door Giant was already to jump at Qhama.
Me" This dog is way too big"
"I'll go pack your things"
They were in the guest room, neatly folded. His domestic was
there izolo, because Yanga doesn't do laundry tuu. He takes it to
the laundromat or waits for uMama to come in. I finished
packing, then called Qhama's Aunt.
Me" Hello Sisi, undawoni?"
Aunt" Ndise Magxaki ngoku"
Me" I booked your tickets, ndithenge umphako or just give you
money?"
Aunt" Hay thenga mntanam"
Me" Okay, ndizo phinda ndiphone"
I sat on top of the bed trying to listen to my inner voice. I don't
like the idea of Qhama being without me for too long.
"Hey, can I come in?"
I looked at him then nodded.
Yanga" You were not answering your phone, I was worried"
Me" I needed time to think"
Yanga" He will be fine"
Me" And what if he isn't?"
Yanga" Qhama can recite your number in his sleep"
"He has a phone to call you with"
Me" He doesn't have a phone"
Yanga" I'm giving him mine"
" That's why I was busy earlier, was getting an upgrade and I
wanted them to move everything to this new phone"
Me" You are giving a 9 year old an iPhone!"
Yanga" Yes"
"He needs it to update us"
Me" That's insane"
Yanga" Give him your phone ke and take my old phone"
Me" I am not giving a 9 year old a phone"
Yanga" So the PlayStation reminds behind?"
Me" What?!"
Yanga" You sound angry"
Me" That's because I am"
Yanga" I asked you and you said it was fine"
Me" When?"
Yanga" Izolo, you said "do whatever works for you" remember?"
Me" I was replying to you saying awuzoza!"
Yanga" Well I just assumed"
"Well he is all excited and I don't want to break his heart"
Me" Asoze!"
Yanga" Someone has to do it"
Me" I hate you"
Yanga" Suphosisa"
Qhama's Aunt called and we went to fetch her, then went to
drop them off at the station. We waited for the bus while Yanga
played with Qhama.
Aunt" Yi boyfriend yakho?"
I nodded
Me" Yea, I thought he introduced himself"
Aunt" Umdala kunawe"
She and I aren't related, her brother wasn't my father. I don't
get why she thought it was okay to comment on my love life.
Me" I know"
She smiled, I think she could sense that I was annoyed.
"We gave Qhama some pocket money and he has a phone, the
phone has a few games but he will try and ask you if he can
connect the PlayStation"
I think she thought I was doing bad, I think she had this image
of Qhama and I struggling. It's how she looked at me, like she
couldn't believe how I made a bad situation this good. She was
first shocked that Qhama is in a multiracial school, then shocked
to hear how well spoken we both were. She was shocked that I
am in Varsity, it was like she was on a shock tour. She probably
felt guilty, they wanted him but didn't want me and I said no, I
would rather struggle with my brother. They never put up a
fight. Not even a little. I always wondered if they felt guilty, she
kept in touch when we moved in with my Gran but the others
never bothered. I am not big on family. The bus arrived, I gave
my brother a hug.
Me" Call me, your money is in your socks. Don't show it to
anyone else. Use it when you have to. Have fun"
Qhama" Nawe have fun, take care of Giant"
Me" That's not your dog"
He laughed, then gave Yanga a hug. We waited for the bus to go
then Yanga took me to work.
Yanga" Uphuma nini?"
Me" 11:30pm"
Yanga" Let's go out together tonight"
Me" Clubbing?"
He laughed
Yanga" Why are saying it like that?"
Me" I'll be tired"
Yanga" I'll buy you red bull and sweets"
I laughed
Me" Bye"
I kissed his cheek then got off, Saturday was a guaranteed busy
night. We had a dj at 7, plus it's month end weekend.
Khanya" Your Ndoda is here"
Me" Where?"
Khanya" Smoking area"
Me" okay, your table?"
Khanya" I wish, ndinga lalwa yila tafile yonke"
Me" Haha you are stupid shame"
Time flew by so quickly, I caught a glimpse of Yanga's table and
he didn't see me yena. My shift was almost over, I went to cash
up when Khanya walked in with sweets and a red bull.
Khanya" Delivery"
Me" Hahaha thank you"
"Is he still here?"
Khanya" Ewe"
I was finally done, I went to look for him. His table was filled
with girls now. Ongama saw me first then he whispered in
Yanga's ear and he smiled then looke up.
Me" Masambe"
The girls stared at me
Yanga" Okay"
He walked pass the girls, one pulled his arm and he looked back
to see who it was. Then she giggled
"Uzobuya?"
He nodded
Yanga" Need to convince Wifey, but if I'm lucky then ndizobuya"
I laughed, him and I went outside, Khanya was still standing
there.
Yanga" Are you joining us?"
Khanya" Phi?"
Yanga" It's up to her"
I looked at him
Khanya" You'll text me, I'll quickly go freshen up"
Me" Okay babe"
We walked him to his car, then we crossed the road to Yanga's
car. In the car, we kissed then left. When we got to his place, I
went to take a shower then I walked in to a room filled with
Poetry, Zara, H&M, Cotton On and Pick n Pay clothing.
Yanga" I knew you'd have an excuse for tonight, so I got your
friend Sange to go shopping with him. She knows what you like
and now you literally have no excuse"
I gave him a hug
Me" Thank you"
Yanga" It's a pleasure babe"
This man! Earlier he was really busy and my ass was thinking
the worst. I was just bothered by how he hasn't said anything
about sex, we did oral, it took me a while to get the hang of it
and a lot of foreplay then we sleep but it never goes top far. I
felt guilty sometimes.
Me" Cubana?"
Yanga" Yea"
"Don't forget to text your friends"
Me" I won't forget"
I decided to wear black leather shorts and snake blouse, with
black strapless heels. I did my weave, and made sure my edges
are right, because I'm sure the girls joining us tonight will be all
over my boyfriend.
Yanga" You look amazing"
Me" Thank you"
Yanga" I love it when you wear red lipstick"
Me" I'll remember that"
We kissed
Yanga" Masambe"
"Wanna take a picture for my insta story?"
Me" Hahahaa no thanks"
Yanga" Alright then"
In the car he bumped Hilili by Kabza and Busiswa.
Yanga" Are we fetching your friends?"
Me" Nope, Khanya is driving"
We got to Cubana and hay again, from the bouncers to the
hostesses everyone was just on the Yanga train. He held my
hand, we walked and stopped again by the bar because he had
to greet a few people, by the time we got to our table he had
almost been greeted by the whole club. At least it felt that way.
Yanga" Are you okay?"
I nodded
"What are you drinking?"
Me" Don't worry, I'm taking care of my own drinks"
Yanga" Why?"
"I don't mind doing this for you, this is nothing, it's just alcohol"
Khanya and Sange arrived, the night was going great. We were
laughing and dancing, I can dance and I don't think he knew
that because he was shocked to see me dance with Khanya.
Sange" I have to go, ndangena ngomso"
I gave her a hug
Me" Thanks for tonight"
Khanya and I walked her out, her boyfriend was outside waiting.
They left together, we went back inside.
Khanya" Ithini into ka Yanga?"
Me" Njani?"
Khanya" Everyone is trying to get his attention, even the men,
it's starting to get weird"
Me" I know he is a lawyer, and he said he knows most of the
guys from New Brighton because he grew up there"
Khanya" Makes sense why sihleli nama gintsa"
Me" His friends?"
Khanya"Yea, you can tell"
Me" I really can't"
He laughed, we went back to the table. I sat on his lap. Because
Khanya got a dick appointment and decided to ditch me,
literally it took him seconds to choose sex over hangout with
me.
Me" Let's go home"
Yanga" Okay babe"
"I have to settle the bill then we can go"
Me" For yonke lento?"
He laughed
Yanga" It's my turn, let me go sort it out kude, because we will
fight if you see the bill"
He kissed me then I got up, so he can get up. I sat back on the
chair, the girl who was with Ongama came to seat next to me.
Her" Hey"
Me" Hi"
Her" Are you Yanga's girlfriend?"
I don't think I will comfortable with that title, I have a name.
Me" Yaya, and yes, he is my boyfriend"
Her" Okay"
I think she wanted me to ask her questions but I don't care
much about his past. It has nothing to do with me. It was before
me and I don't see why I should stress myself over thinks that
happened when I was in high school.
Yanga" Ready?"
I nodded, he bro hugged his friends and then hugged two other
girls. They both smiled at me. We walked to his car, he started
at McDonalds before we went home because I was really
hungry.
Yanga" Did you have fun?"
Me" Yea but it's not my thing babe"
Yanga" It looked like it was your thing"
I laughed
Me" Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of it but I would
prefer to sit in with you and whoever else you invite. Play
boardgames and call it a night"
Yanga" We used to do that, but then I got Giant and everyone
was scared of him, and I hate locking him away so I stopped
hosting"
Me" I am graduating next year"
Yanga" I know"
"You started Varsity at 18?"
Me" Seventeen, that's when Qhama and I moved to PE"
I laughed
"Yaz when I started at Nmu, I used to have two jeans and so
many sponsored t-shirts. I rotated the jeans. Then when nsfas
gave me 5000rand for textbooks, I used that money to buy
Qhama and I clothes, each month I received 1000, I used that as
bus fare and still had to give my gran 400rand from that money.
I started doing promotion here in PE because I already had
experience since I was doing it in Cape Town. Second year I met
Sange and she hooked me up with this job, we joined a stockvel
at work. In December I had 10 000 rand from it, I bought
Qhama clothes, paid school fees for his new school and gave my
Grandmother some money too. Then we left her place last year,
we have beenn renting the two room flat. She then called social
workers on me because I left Qhama alone, I went to work, I
always leave Qhama alone. They almost took him away from
me then my boss vouched that I am a good child and that my
little brother was in safe hands"
I started shrugged
Me" It took a White man to get them to believe that I had no
intention of ever harming Qhama. So when you say I should let
loose and act my age, I don't know how to do that because
people mu age don't go through what I went through. I don't
know how to live my life without him, and I can't fail him
because we both don't have parents"
Yanga" Where is your Dad"
Me" He died.... Alzheimer's disease"
"I miss him, my life was so normal then, before he got sick,
before he forgot my mother and I, before she met Qhama's Dad
and took a child away from her mother because he said she
must. Before all of that. I was normal and my life was normal. I
was just a child"
Yanga" It's okay to cry"
Me" No, I don't cry, I sometimes want to cry but I just don't
have the time to cry"
We got out of the car, he opened the door and Giant came
running towards us.
Yanga" Let's drink some water before sleeping"
Me" It's fine, I want to wake up with a headache"
Yanga" Yazini"
I looked at him
"You can always rewrite your story, my father was an alcoholic
that beat up my mother everyday. Yet look at me now, we are
not our parents. This is your life, take control of it"
I smiled
Me" You make me feel alive and that's strange because I've
always thought I was dead inside"
He looked at me
Yanga" That's dark"
I nodded
Me" Goodnight"
Yanga" Goodnight"
Chapter 5
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
I laughed
Me" No reason"
He smiled, he was making us breakfast.
Yanga" You are letting Giant cuddle you?"
I shrugged
Me" I guess he won me over"
Yanga" So are you really taking him for a walk?"
Me" No, I don't think I can handle that"
Yanga" I'm glad you know that"
"Are you working tonight?"
Me" Nope"
"Where are we going anyway?"
Yanga" Cape Town, a friend is being honoured as Business
Woman of the year and they are hosting a gala dinner to honor
her"
Me" I don't have anything formal"
"Sure you don't want to ditch me?"
Yanga" Nice try, I want you to meet Lona, Bahle and Solly. Those
are my girls"
Me" Your girls?"
Yanga" Yes, if they like you too then I'm sure I made the right
decision"
I laughed then went to him.
Me" Your friends will be vetting me?"
He kissed my forehead
Yanga" They think I imagined you"
" You never want us to take pictures together, so I have no
evidence of your existence. Except the photos of you sleeping,
those are cute for a while but then they are now creepy"
I gave him a kiss then pulled back
Me" I don't want to embarrass you"
Yanga" Yea right"
He picked me up and put me on the kitchen counter
" You are beautiful, smart, funny and annoying. That's the
whole package"
I kissed him
Me" And I haven't slept with you"
Yanga" I don't care about that"
Me" Are you sure?"
He nodded then stole another kiss
Yanga" You'll have fun, then before we come back to Pe..."
He kissed me
"We can go visit Qhama"
I laughed
Me" Thank you"
Yanga" Anything for you"
Me" Anything?"
Yanga" What do you want?"
Me" Let me pay for myself sometimes"
He kissed me
Yanga" I don't mind doing things for you"
"If that's what you want then okay, but you also have to do
something for me"
Me" What?"
Yanga" Move in with Giant and I"
"You are always here, half of your things are here. Let's just do
it"
Me" Qhama yena?"
Yanga" Utheni?"
Me" If we move here, it will be difficult for him to go eskolweni"
"The distance from Forrest Hill to Young Park is ridiculous"
He kissed my forehead
Yanga" Young Park isn't the only school in PE"
Me" It's the only multiracial school I can afford"
Yanga" Andithi sibabini ngoku"
Me" No"
"What happens when we break up?"
Yanga" Are you planning on dumping me?"
Me" No"
Yanga" Cheating?"
Me" No"
Yanga" Exactly, I am not planning on dumping or cheating on
you. If anything happens between us, then I swear to God, I will
always look after Qhama"
" We get that in writing if uyafuna"
Me" No, it's fine"
Yanga" So I can start looking for a school?"
Me" Yes"
"kunye ne transport"
He laughed
Yanga" Why can't you take him to school?"
Me" Because I can't drive and I don't have car"
He nodded then we kissed again
Yanga" If I take off your shorts, do you think Giant will
complain?"
I laughed trying to shimmy off my shorts
Me" They are off and he didn't bark"
Yanga" Okay then, relax, I want to have a peach for breakfast"
Just by him saying that I was wet as hell, when his tongue
started exploring me I lost myself. He made me feel so sexy and
it drove me insane.
Me" I love you"
I realized after I said it that it was way too early for me to be
saying that. He finished up then we kissed.
Yanga" I love you too baby"
Cape Town! The mother city.
Yanga and I landed at 13:45, we went to get coffee then his
friends called.
Yanga" Solly is picking us up"
I nodded, we made small talk about the weather and other
stupid things.
Yanga" Nanku"
Sana! When he said "Solly" I thought he meant a guy but yho!
Me" Lo?"
I needed to verify, she was beautiful actually beautiful doesn't
do justice to her. The way she walked, her hair, ngathi it's a
shampoo commercial for weaves. She was wearing a simple
summer dress kodwa it looked like she was at the oscars.
Yanga" You are late!"
They hugged, she looked at me then back to him.
Solly" Wait, you really have a girlfriend?"
She gave me a hug then pulled away, some guy joined us and I
assume that's her husband because he had a marriage band.
Yanga" Ekse"
They bro hugged
Solly" I'm stealing her, we are all meeting up for our hair and
nails"
I think he could tell I was nervous
Yanga" They don't bite, you'll be fine"
Solly" Thabang please don't be late, your wife will kill you and I
will help her"
He laughed then waved at me.
Solly" Bye guys"
In the car she asked for my name, we made small talk about
Yanga. She pulled up at some house.
Solly" Iza"
We went inside, she introduced me to Bahle and Lona.
Me" Yaya"
Solly" We have whole glam team on the way. We have dresses
and shoes and we will meet the guys at the gala"
Me" Yanga has my things"
She looked at Bahle
Bahle" I'll call him"
" I was starting to think Yanga would never be serious about
women and then when he told us about you, we all thought he
was lying"
Me" Why?"
Lona" Because he is a man whore"
Solly" Was"
Lona didn't say much to me, unlike her friends, they were so
kind. The make up team arrived, then it was our nails and Yanga
finally dropped off my dress and shoes.
Me" Babe, my hair"
Yanga" It's in there"'
We kissed, then he went to make small talk with Bahle and
Lona.
Solly" He likes you, he is just like my husband"
Me" Njani?"
Solly" Big gestures that scare you but don't be scared, he may
be experienced but this is it for him and he will do anything just
to prove this is it for him"
Me" He does so much for me, I feel like I'm his charity case"
Solly" Hahaha been there, ride the wave baba and just remain
your true self. Everything else is just unnecessary stress, just do
right by your person and he will always keep the same energy"
She got up and took her dress.
Solly" I'll see you at the gala"
Me" Congratulations on the award"
She smiled
Solly" Thank you"
The other ladies left before me, I had to wait for Andrew
because Yanga had an emergency work crisis. He had to call a
few people and he arranged for Andrew to fetch me. I sat on
couch watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.
"Sorry I'm late"
I lifted my head then looked at him.
Me" Can we finish this episode"
He laughed then sat down
Andrew" You are not dressed"
Me" I thought you were not coming, so I took off my dress and
the make up"
Andrew" I was in surgery, I don't know why they always forget
my schedule"
"Yanga is trying to get his client out of jail"
Me" Yea, he told me"
Andrew" Get dressed so we can go"
Me" Okay"
"After this episode"
We both sat in silence then when the episode finished he
grabbed the remote and switched off the tv.
Andrew" You have 10 minutes"
Me" Okay"
Sange made the dress for me, I didn't see what everyone else
was wearing but when we asked Yanga the theme, he said it
was night at the opera. So I am wearing a puff off the shoulder
ombre dress (picture attached) and Yanga packed my curly
weave, I was disappointed at first but when I combed it out
then tied it. Decided on red lipstick and soft glam.
Andrew" Wtf!"
That's what he said when he saw me
Me" Huh?"
Andrew" I don't want to over step, let's go"
I took my clutch bag and we left, thank God for a limo because I
was wondering how I would fit my dress in a normal car.
Andrew" You'll have to walk in alone"
Me" Why?"
Andrew" You are the best dressed, hands down and you
deserve all eyes on you"
I laughed, the door opened for us and we got out. He was right,
the moment I went in, everyone was staring at me. I was just
looking for Yanga.
Solly" What!!!???!!!???"
"Sis!!!! Hay Jesus!"
Yanga had his hands on his head and a huge smile on his face
Me" Hey you"
He kissed me then stopped, he looked at me again and he had
this huge grin on his face.
Thabang" Bahle! We are no longer the best dressed couple"
Everyone laughed
Bahle" Tonight Yaya showed us how it's done. You look
ravishing"
Lona" Hay sana! I want your dress"
Me" Thanks guys"
Andrew" I'm not saying I will try and take her away from you
but all I'm saying. I am with 9 billion dollars"
Everyone laughed
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Babe, his a clown, let's go dance"
He took my hand and we walked away.
Me" I missed you"
Yanga" I'm sorry about earlier"
"Sometimes work gets in the way"
I kissed him
Me" I'm ready"
He kissed me
Yanga" For?"
Me" To let you take my virginity"
Yanga" No, I've never dated any of them. Used to have a crush
on Lona but she wasn't into me, Solly and Bahle are my friends.
We are not having sex because you think I will lose interest. I'm
yours and tonight, we will cuddle until we both fall asleep"
Chapter 6
Sunday morning Yanga and I went to Thabang and Bahle's
house. They were hosting a brunch.
Yanga" Baby"
I looked at him and smiled
"Uyandichaza, I can't even find the right words"
I loved the way he looks at me, it was like I was the only girl in
the world.
Me" I love you"
He kissed me
Yanga" I love you too"
"Nxiba"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" We will first go visit Qhama, then go join the others"
Me" That's fine"
I decided on a denim skin and a yellow blouse.
Yanga" Kuyabanda baba"
Me" Didn't pack any warm clothes"
Yanga" We can go buy something"
Me" Okay but kwa Mr Price"
He laughed
Yanga" Hahhaha okay, I guess you are paying"
I nodded
"Masambe, I convinced Lona to let me drive her car. I hope you
don't mind but I need to test drive this baby"
Me" She doesn't really like me"
He kissed my forehead
Yanga" Lona is complicated, she doesn't let anyone in her circle
too easily"
Me" I don't want to be part of her circle"
Yanga laughed then gave me a kiss.
Yanga" Let's go tuu"
"Hahaha uyathyafisa shame "
I have seen a Bentley in music videos, however not in my
wildest dreams did I think I'd be inside one. The shopping was
easy, we however ended up at buying way more than what I
needed. I was suddenly wearing a metallic silver dress shirt, a
denim jacket and knee high boots.
Yanga" Aren't you cold?"
Me" Nope, it's just windy akubadi"
He was wearing a grey sweater, denim shorts and Yeezy
sneakers. We called my Aunt for directions, and told her not to
tell Qhama. We arrived and he was so happy to see us but I
think Yanga more than anything else.
Qhama" Akummadi apha Yaya"
Me" Nyani?"
Qhama" Kakhulu but I miss you"
Me" Are you still spending Christmas with us?"
Qhama" Ewe, yandikhumbula?"
Me" I miss you so much"
Yanga" Everyday uthetha ngawe"
Qhama" Hahah ndamazi"
We stayed another hour with him until it was time for us to
leave.
Me" I'll see you soon ke Bhuti"
Qhama" Bye Yaya"
He gave me a hug
Me" Are you really sure you want to stay behind?"
He nodded
Qhama" I'm safe"
"I like everyone"
I kissed his forehead
Me" I love you"
Qhama" I love you too"
The brunch was exactly what I imagined, they were so kind and
they made me feel like I was an old friend.
Thabang" What's your favorite champagne? Or sparking wine?"
Me" I prefer beer"
He laughed
Bahle" Don't be surprised when you get a package"
Me" Package?"
Lona" He loves Champagne and whiskey, and he forces that love
on to everyone. So you'll get a case filled with all his favorites
and he'll call you just to check which one you will like"
I laughed because I honestly thought they were kidding.
Thabang" Same address?"
Yanga" Yep hahhaha"
Andrew" I have to go, just got called in"
He gave me a hug
"It was nice meeting you"
Me" Same here, enjoy the rest of your day"
Solly" Your husband also just got called in"
Everyone laughed
Andrew" Hahaha you are so annoying"
Viwe, Solly's husband came to also give me a hug.
Thabang" Can't believe those two idiots are surgeons"
We stayed for a little while but then Yanga announced that we
had to go. Everyone gave me a hug, we exchanged contacts and
then we finally left.
Yanga" We flying private, your boyfriend Andrew wanted you to
be comfortable"
I gave him a kiss
Me" You are the only man I want"
I gently held his manhood then caressed it.
"Will you still be able to drive?"
He nodded, I have done so much with Yanga in a short space of
time. We have been together for seven months now but this,
giving him a blow job while he is driving has to be my favorite.
Yanga" Wait"
I knew he was about to come, but I didn't stop. He shot up
inside of me and I swallowed everything. I couldn't believe that
I just did that.
Yanga" What was that?"
I wiped my mouth then shrugged.
Me" I guess I'm starting to love doing that to you"
We pulled up and Lona was already waiting for us with her
boyfriend. Her boyfriend handed our bags to the staff while we
were chatting.
Yanga" How are the kids?"
Lona" Loud, I don't know why you guys let me have 3 children"
"Xavier is in England with his grandparents and I'm left with
Claire and Connor"
Yanga" I'm happy for you Lonz, I know it wasn't easy but you are
really doing good"
They hugged
Lona" We will try and visit, my children miss Giant"
They both laughed then hugged again, the boyfriend and I were
just standing there.
"They were neighbors then they became friends, she is worse
with Thabang. She sometimes sleeps in his bed or he sleeps in
her bed. But she is harmless, they are like brother's to her
because she is an only child"
I just nodded
Me" Okay"
"Well it was nice meeting you"
Lona" Have a safe flight, and call me tomorrow"
Yanga" Will set up a zoom meeting with the three of you"
They both laughed
Lona" that works"
They left and we went inside.
Yanga" I forgot you are working tonight"
Me" No I'm not, I'm on leave"
"Only going back on Wednesday"
Yanga" So what are we doing tonight?"
Me" Me"
We arrived at our place and Giant wasn't there, Yanga's parents
took him.
Me" I'm going to take a shower"
Yanga" I'll just quickly call my parents"
I didn't even take a long shower, I moisturized my body then
wore his t-shirt.
Yanga" I missed my bed"
He took off his clothes and I sat on the bed.
Me" Yanga"
He looked at me as I took off his t-shirt, I was completely naked.
Me" I meant what I said"
Yanga" I can see"
Me" Why don't you want this?"
He came to seat on the bed
Yanga" I want it, so bad"
He pointed at his boner and I laughed
"I know you not ready and I don't want you to regret your first
time"
Me" I'm ready"
Yanga" Are you sure?"
I leaned in for a kiss
Me" I love you, and I want this"
I have imagined this moment, a million times. I have seen it in
movies and it raised expectations. Yanga was everything, he
kept asking things
"Does this hurt?"
Each movement he talked me through it, when he was finally in
we held hands and he slowly moved.
Me" I'm okay"
He picked up his pace but not too fast, each stroke I lost myself
in him. Our bodies intertwined and I knew I was gone. I felt
sensation in places and when we finished he kissed me then got
up.
Yanga" Need to get something to clean you up"
The following day he went to work and I was alone, I called
Khanya because I needed some company.
Me" Where is your ass?"
Khanya" In the car, ubuyile?"
Me" Yes, I'm bored"
"You working today?"
Khanya" Ewe, but ngena at 8pm"
Me" Let's grab breakfast or lunch, I need some adult time"
Khanya" Where am I fetching you?"
Me" I'll take an uber, run your errands and I'll take a shower"
Khanya" Beeryard?"
Me" Yea, that's cool"
I went to take a bath then called Qhama but he didn't answer. I
decided to wear a light blue button down denim dress and a
white t-shirt underneath and my Stan Smith sneakers. My
phone rang and it was Qhama.
Me" Hey"
Qhama" Yaya, uyamazi wena uClaire?"
Me" Omphi?"
He laughed
Qhama" Umntana lo wathi ku Mama "Zaza" she was so small"
I hate that he remembered that little girl. I remember her too,
sometimes I see her in my dreams, she was so happy with us.
We enjoyed having her around too until my Gran told us that
my mother actually kidnapped the little girl.
Me" Ubona phi?"
Qhama" At the beach"
Me" Okay boy, I have to go Giant ufuna utya ukutya kwam"
He laughed
Qhama" Bye"
I hung up. I requested my uber then locked the house. I decided
to wait for it outside the complex. It arrived and just as I
predicted Khanya was already waiting for me.
Me" I love Barney's because of the beach view"
Khanya" I don't but I ordered Pizza and two burgers for us"
"Wasn't sure uzosela ntoni?"
Me" Did you order salad"
"Because we need the salad to balance our fat"
That's Sange's favorite line.
Khanya"Yes"
"How was Cape Town"
Our food arrived, we ordered beer for the both of us.
Me" It was okay"
Khanya" You were in a private jet and ukhala ngo fine?"
I laughed
Me" Okay that part was exciting"
"Yanga has all these friends, it's like he collects hot women like
Thanos collects infinity stones. It's all innocent but I don't think
they would ever let me in their circle"
Khanya" You want to in their circle?"
Me" Nope, but they seem to matter to him"
Khanya" So do you, I don't think he cares, and from what I know
about men, I don't think he would introduce you to his inner
circle if he wasn't serious. Maybe you are just paranoid"
Me" That's what he said"
I shrugged then ate my burger
"Yaz bekukho this guy, Andrew, apparently he is worth billions"
Khanya laughed
Khanya" Andrew ba? I'll google him"
I laughed
Me" I don't know, he is a doctor kodwa"
Khanya" And a billionaire?"
I laughed too
Me" According to him, one of Yanga's friends Lona. She drives a
Bentley"
Khanya stared at me
Khanya" Lona who?"
Me" I don't know hahahaa I wasn't there to learn their
surnames"
Khanya" Let me stalk Yanga on insta"
I laughed while he went through my phone, I decided to eat
because I knew this would take time.
Khanya" Lona Montgomery Rhodes!"
Me" Rhodes?"
My mother worked for Lelona Rhodes
"Let me see"
He gave back my phone. I went through Lona's instagram feed.
Khanya" That guy wasn't lying, Dr Andrew Montgomery
Rhodes"
"Sana! Yanga is friends with the elites of South Africa"
I wasn't even listening anymore, I couldn't believe my eyes. I
googled Claire Montgomery Rhodes, pictures of her missing, 5
million rand ransom, Lona and her ex husband begging the
public for help. My mother's name.
Khanya" Why are you crying?"
I was literally shivering
Me" Can you please take me to my place"
"In New Brighton"
Chapter 7
I always listen to music whenever I need clarity, there is always
that one song that stands out at that very moment. I took out
my laptop and went straight to Ami Faku, it was obvious I was
going to play Imali. I relate to this song, I honestly thought for a
moment there that my life was okay. I was normal, I could have
everything I wanted. That was short lived. I closed my eyes and
tried to remember the moments we had with Claire, I tried to
remember if my mother was nervous. I know she was scared of
her boyfriend, I know Qhama and I loved having Claire around,
she was a necessary distraction and a new addition to the
family. She used to pull my fingers and call me "Yaya", I wonder
did she know or notice the difference. I know she was only a
year and a few months when she arrived. She spent months
with us so surely she knew that her parents were not around. I
wonder what they went through when we were busy playing
with their daughter. If my mother really took 5 million from
them, then why is it that Qhama and I never found the money. I
mean it wouldn't be hard. We were in a RDP house.
Me" I have so many questions for you, I hate that you are not
here and I am left alone to deal with your mess. I sometimes try
to see things your point of view, I think maybe when my Dad
died you needed a change of pace. I know you were a widower
at such a young age, I was there but then what changed? What
made you change?"
"I sometimes think it's the pain, I sometimes think it's being
used to being rescued by men so when my Dad passed away,
you needed someone else to love you. I sometimes wish
Qhama was never born, hell I wish I was dead. That way we
don't get to deal with the disappointment of having you as a
mother. I met a guy, I fell in love and it turns out, Lelona is his
best friend. The fucked up part? If I tell Yanga that you are my
mother, he will probably hate me. And Qhama loves Yanga. Why
is it that even in your grave, you still manage to ruin my life?"
I switched on my phone and called Yanga.
Yanga" What's wrong??"
Me" Nothing, why?"
Yanga" Your phone was off"
Me" I wanted to sleep, went to Barney's with Khanya"
Yanga" Waye New Brighton?"
Me" How do you know ndiphi?"
Yanga" I know people"
"Should I come fetch you?"
Me" No, if you don't mind, can I sleep over here"
Yanga" Yazini"
Me" I'll call you later"
I needed to deal with this my way, and the only way I know
how. The steps were simple:
Remove WhatsApp profile picture ✔
Write a cryptic WhatsApp status ✔
Switch off my phone ✔
Take two adcodols ✔
watch carpool Karaoke until I fall asleep ✔
The following day I woke up and I switched on my phone, sent
Qhama a text then checked my WhatsApp. I didn't have any
messages from Yanga, just from Sange and Khanya. I didn't have
food here, so I wore leggings and an oversized Sasco t-shirt then
walked to Shoprite. On my way back, my phone rang.
Me" Hey"
Yanga" Wela"
Me" Huh?"
Yanga" Cross the street"
I looked around and I saw his Range parked across the street.
Me" I feel like walking"
Yanga" Okay, I'll meet you at your place"
Me" Okay"
I took my time getting to my place because I needed a reason
for yesterday. I was blank. I had no reason to be upset, at least
according to him. He was standing next to his car, I was curious
as to why he was dressed up. He wasn't dressed up for court.
Yanga" Did you see my message?"
Me" No"
Yanga" I sent you a text izolo"
Me" I didn't get it"
Yanga" Ina"
He gave me a brown paper bag.
"It's a morning after pill"
Me" Should I take it now?"
Yanga" Today"
Me"Okay"
Yanga" I don't know utheni, and I don't know if ufuna ndibuze.
Or wait for you to tell me when you are ready"
Me" I just wanted to sleep over here before I officially move
out"
I couldn't believe how easy it was to lie.
Yanga" Okay"
Or maybe it wasn't because he wasn't convinced.
"Can I hug you?"
I nodded, and he gave me a hug. I didn't want him to pull away.
His phone vibrated, he pulled it out then replied to the text.
Yanga" I have to go Baba wam, I'll see you later"
Me" Okay"
He kissed my forehead, I wondered why it was so easy to love
him. Maybe it was because I was always a priority, I wondered if
it was maybe the age difference. Surely it played a role, because
his intentions are always clear, he communicates, he gives me
room to grow and he never tries to change me or make me
what he wants me to be.
Yanga" Should I order food for you?"
Me" I'll be fine"
Yanga" Masambe"
Me"Siyaphi"
Yanga" Asoze ndikuyeke unje"
"Please get in"
I got in the car and he closed the door, I decided to pop the pill
now. He always has water in his car.
Yanga" Call your friends, tell them to meet us at Shambala, it's a
spa in Walmer"
He called to book an appointment for us while I was texting
them on WhatsApp. We didn't speak on the way, he just kept
on stealing glances then nodding. Khanya and Sange both
promised to meet me there.
Yanga" I'll sort out the payment quickly"
He went out of the car, and his phone rang. I looked at the caller
id, but I didn't recognize the name. So I just decided not to
answer, but then the person called again. The person was saved
as "Handy Andy", I was curious but I decided to just take his
phone and take selfies. I always take random selfies on his
phone, he opened my door.
Me" Handy Andy called, I didn't answer"
Yanga" Okay, you can wait for your friends inside"
"I really need to go"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Take pictures for me"
We kissed, then he left. Minutes after my friends arrived.
Khanya" Sana! I don't know where you found him but I want
one of my own"
Me" Hahaha, You have a boyfriend"
Sange" But Yanga boyfriends, it's trips, shopping sprees, then
it's affection, ndithi wena love language and loyalty. Zonke they
are clear"
Khanya" But tshomi he has the means"
Me" I don't think so"
Khanya" But baby girl, he is your first real boyfriend. He has
raised the bar and whoever you date next will always be
compared to him"
"Money is an advantage kwi relationship"
Sange" Money and having a car, those things are vital"
Me" And love"
Khanya" Haska! Anyone can love, money tshomi is what sets
the bar kum dyolo"
Sange" Jonga, before Yanga you had one proper weave, the one
we bought on Aliexpress. Then you walked around with your
hair and braids, but now, how many weaves do you have?"
"How many sneakers, heels, jeans, better yet, how many times
do you change your hair and nails?. Before Yanga, those things
were a luxury and before Yanga we sure as hell didn't do Spa
dates. All I'm saying is money plays a huge role in relationships"
Me" Yea but I dated him before I knew he was capable of doing
these things"
Sange" Awundiva. I'm not saying you are with Yanga for his
money, that's not you, but I'm saying; you being with him has
some sort of advantages. You need not to feel ashamed"
Khanya" If you are ashamed of him, I can take him from you"
We all laughed
Me" We had sex"
Sange" And are you happy?"
I nodded
Me" It was my idea"
"I don't have any regrets"
Khanya" Use a condom"
Me" I will"
Sange" Tshomi"
I looked at her
"Does the age difference ever bother you?"
Khanya laughed
Khanya" Have you seen Yanga?, like see him tshomi and analyse
him?"
I laughed
"What's thirteen years sana? Hay, Sange uyadlala wena.
Hahahaa age difference, yhuuu! Asoze sidyole mos"
The spa date was exactly what I needed, when we were done
with everything. Khanya offered to take us out for lunch.
Me" Have you idiots notice what I'm wearing?"
Khanya" Hahaha bendingafuni uthetha"
"Masambe wethu, it's not like you are trying to impress
anyone"
I had such a lovely afternoon with my friends, I shifted my
thoughts which was so necessary. Yanga came to fetch me after
his meeting then we went back to his place.
Yanga" Baby"
I was watching The end of the fucken world, we were both in
love with the series.
Me" I promise we can go back, I just couldn't wait for you"
He laughed then he sat down, I got up and went to seat on top
of him.
Yanga" I missed you"
Me" I missed you too"
Yanga" Am I rushing you?, is that why you were sad izolo?"
Me" No, but I needed a break from us, like we are always
together and I wanted a minute to myself"
"I thought I was going to cry"
Yanga" Nothing?"
Me" Nope"
Yanga" Masambe"
Me" Siyaphi?"
Yanga" It's December baby, kumnadi naphina"
Me" Our bed?"
Yanga" Tshini lomntu hahhaha you just complained about
always being together"
"Masambe Yazini"
Me" Siyaphi?"
Yanga" Ongama is having a braai pha"
"Nxiba kuyabanda, and I know you won't want to hang out with
the other girlfriends. So just don't forget to take a jacket"
I kissed him
Yanga" Or sihlale?"
I know him, he wanted go out with his friends.
Me" Masambe"
I took a shower then moisturized my body, he was on the phone
but his eyes were on me. I looked at him then laughed. I sat
next to him, I was still nude, he had a huge grin on his face. I
just wanted to show him that everything was waxed off. His
fingers trailed between my thighs, I opened my legs for him and
he smiled.
Yanga" I will present the deal to my client, and I will get back to
you first thing tomorrow"
His fingers found their way in my honey pot, I don't know if the
excitement made me shiver or I was just feeling cold.
"I will present the amount to him, go over the new paper work"
He laughed when a soft moan escaped my mouth.
Yanga" The arrest was unlawful, don't make this difficult. If we
take this to court you will lose"
His thumb caressed my clit, he picked up the pace.
"Greg, I'll call you later. I need to finish this"
He put his phone on the side and we both laughed.
Yanga" I am in love with you"
Me" I know, I love you too by the way"
"Now can you focus on me?"
He went down on me then kissed my honey pot.
Yanga" Get dressed Yazini, we are going to this braai"
"But nice try"
Me" I almost had you"
Yanga" Yea right"
I wore jeans, a grey knitted jersey and sneakers.
Yanya" Take a jacket"
Me" I will"
I took his denim jacket and he laughed
Yanga" I wanted to wear it"
Me" You have a million of these, make a plan"
His phone rang and he answered it.
Yanga" Fuck! I told you don't sign any fucken statements
without me! Ndiyeza!. Don't take shit from inmates, uyasokilisa
bra!"
" Just keep your mouth shut!, ndiyeza"
He threw his phone on the bed.
Me" Go"
Yanga" I'm sorry"
Me" I'll sleep. Wake me up xa ufika"
Yanga" I'll make it up to you"
He kissed me then left, I took off what I was wearing then wore
pyjamas. A text from him came in.
" Switch off the lights, everything. Lock the bedroom door lock
Giant in our bathroom"
"Now Yazini"
Chapter 8
Imagination. Mind over matter. Paranoia.
Those 3 things were keeping me up, I couldn't sleep. I
wondered why someone was knocking so hard at our place, the
knocks were followed by seven gun shots. I ran to the bathroom
and stopped Giant from barking. The police arrived, I could hear
the whole thing but Yanga said I shouldn't come out. So I didn't
answer even when the police knocked. Then the house phone
rang, I still kept quiet. I started drifting off on the cold tile on
our bathroom floor.
"Yazini"
I opened my eyes and looked at him, he looked like he wanted
to cry. I decided to close my eyes again.
Yanga" Baby"
Me" I need to sleep"
Yanga" Get up from the floor"
"I need to take Giant outside, ndiyeza"
The dog followed after him, I just went straight to bed. I waited
for my tears to come but nothing. Is it possible that I don't
know how to cry?. Surely because the last time I cried for was at
my father's funeral. I sometimes think I am crying but I'm just
pissed off and no actually tears come out.
"Ulele? Or you are just ignoring me?"
Me" Uvelaphi?"
Yanga" I had to sort out something"
Me" Then I'm ignoring you"
Yanga" I need you to trust me"
Me" Yanga, there were gunshots izolo. So trusting you is not
enough. I need an explanation"
Yanga" It will never happen again"
Me" Don't lie"
"You once told me that you never lie"
Yanga" I am a criminal lawyer, I piss off a lot of people with my
work and I deal with a lo..."
I interrupted him
Me"Uligintsa?"
"Think carefully before you answer"
He looked confused, no, insulted like he couldn't believe I would
ask him that.
Yanga" I have a masters degree in Law from Wits, I specialize in
Criminal law and I am currently busy with a case that will piss
off a lot of people. I just didn't think it might get me killed?"
I laughed
Me" I asked you a question"
Yanga" And I answered your question"
Me" You didn't"
"Actually screw this, I am not about to get into this with you
because you will lie to me"
Yanga" Do you honestly think I w..."
Me" I don't know what to think Yanga! You told me to act like I
wasn't here, there were gunshots. So if roles were reversed
wena ubuzothini?"
Yanga" I would trust my partner!"
Me" So you want blind loyalty?..."
Yanga" I didn't say that but I would never accuse you of being a
criminal with no evidence!"
Me" Evidence? I could point out a million things that are shadey
and raise red flags"
Yanga" Hahaha wait, so this is your theory this whole time?. You
think I am a criminal?"
Me" I don't know what to think anymore"
Yanga" How about you let me speak?"
Me" Yanga"
Yanga" Get dressed, masambe"
Me" No!"
Yanga" Didnt you want evidence, masambe"
Me" No, I'm not going anywhere with you"
"Do whatever works for you"
Yanga" I want to tell you things but I can't because I would be
breaking the law. Client and attorney privilege. So I would
rather you call me names than me name drop just to ease
whatever you think of me"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Okay"
Me"Can I sleep now?"
Yanga" Yea"
"I am sorry for what happened, it shouldn't have happened. I'm
sorry"
I didn't answer him, I just closed my eyes and slept.
My first day back at work and my mind wasn't there, I honestly
didn't want to be there. It was packed throughout the day,
Sange and I clocked out then went to cash up.
Sange" Khanya is here with friends, I'll join them"
Me" Yea me too, not rushing anywhere"
We both went to the bar, I bought myself gin and a Jane doe.
Sange" Ugrand?"
I nodded
Me" Tired qha"
Sange" Same"
We went to join the others, I wasn't even having fun.
Me" Ndiyahamba"
Sange" Okay you're scaring me, sleep over at my place"
Me" No, I'll be fine"
Khanya" Asoze, hlala apha"
I didn't see Yanga, I noticed his friends first.
Sange" Your man is here"
I turned around and he was with girls, he probably thought I
already went home.
Me" Myeke"
Khanya" Masembeni"
Me" Because of them?"
"Ayikho lonto"
I was hyping my friends while they dance, I was on my fourth
drink so I was quite loud.
Khanya" Guys we are working tomorrow"
We all laughed
Sange" You mean today"
Me" Hay wethu, masambeni apha"
Khanya" request because I am not driving"
We stood outside waiting for uber.
"Can we talk?"
I think Yanga is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. Like
right now, he was just wearing a sweater, slim fit jeans and
Timberlands. Kodwa to me he looked like an entire snack.
Me" Not now"
Yanga" Niyaphi?"
Me" Focus on your girls"
Yanga" Utheni wena? I don't know those girls, Ongama paid for
them to get in. I am literally here to fetch you, I sent you a
million messages but awundihoyi and I asked him to tag along"
Me" Don't shout at me"
Yanga" I didn't even raise my voice at you, I just don't get why
you are making a scene right now"
Khanya gave Yanga a hug then whispered something to him.
Yanga" I'll go"
"Have fun"
He left with Ongama, the girls I thought were with them were
not in the car.
Khanya" Masambeni"
"Sange khangela iAvanza pha! Songena sonke"
We went to a house party in Westering, it was fun, I switched
off my phone. Khanye wanted to smoke, so we went outside.
Khanya" What happened?"
Me" Asked if uligintsa"
"He says akayolilo, he is a criminal lawyer and this means he
deals with gangsters sometimes but yena he isn't"
Khanya" Wena besides the jokes we make, and the gun shots,
what makes you think ulilo?"
Me" He has money, and a lot of it"
Khanya" He works, he doesn't have a child or a wife. Like I don't
think having money is a red flag because it wouldn't be an issue,
if he was white and had this money"
Me" Khanya, everyone knows Yanga, in New Brighton he is God,
he has Rolex watches. The cars, for a 33 year old, I just question
his success"
Khanya" Why? I hear you but why must you question his
success. Maybe he has another business, everyone has a side
hustle now. Yanga is friends with those elite people, do you
think they would risk their reputations for a gangster?. I love
you but you self sabotage so much and this time I don't get why
you want to ruin a good thing. He is good, and even if he has
skeletons in his closet, you wait it out and let him open up to
you. Jumping to conclusions is risky, sungxama"
Me" Why are you advocating for him?"
He laughed
Khanya" I don't care for Yanga, but you a deserve a little
happiness. I know you, I have baby sat Qhama for you, I know
your story and I just think you both deserve a break. Qhama
needs to be a child again, stop worrying about you and you
need to be free of some burdens. If Yanga can help you with
them, then I am going to endorse him"
I gave him a hug.
Me" I love you"
Khanya" I love you too"
I got home at 03:21 a.m. and unlocked the door, I locked then
straight to our room. I took off my shoes, then my wig, then
went to snuggle up with him.
Me" I'm sorry"
He didn't sag anything, he just pulled me closer.
The days following our fight were the best, we were the best, I
finally officially moved in with him. Qhama's room was ready
too, I still didn't tell him about my mother.
Me" I am all yours today"
Yanga" What if I told you I have plans for us?"
Me" Naked plans?"
He laughed
Yanga" Khazibambe, we are going on a date"
Me" Can we just chill, just mna nawe. I'll cook for us"
Yanga" Baby, ndizokwenza pregnant and I don't want that"
"I want us to have kids but we not there yet"
He pulled my arm and I looked at him
Me" What?"
He kissed me then pulled away.
Yanga" Baby"
He kissed me again
Me" Yanga"
He smiled
Yanga" Let's slow dance"
I chuckled
Me" We both know I have to left feet
Yanga" It's just us, entertain me"
Me" We need music"
Yanga" True"
He took his phone, then he played Langa Mavuso's Sunday
blues.
"When I first met you, I didn't know what to expect but I knew I
wanted to get to know you. Then I saw you again, I remember
when we all went to the soccer game. I didn't want that
moment to end, I wanted you and Qhama in this house. I knew
at that moment thag I wanted to be with you and you were
going to be worth every minute. I love you so much, maybe that
scares you but it shouldn't. I am yours, you have my heart, you
have the ability to break it a thousand times and I think I would
still stick around. I love you MaNdlovu, each and everyday I fall
deeper into love with you. I hope the feeling is mutual because I
don't see myself with anyone. It's you, you have my heart. You
have me, I am yours"
Chapter 9
Me" Babe are we still going to the wedding?"
Yanga" Nice try, get dressed tuu"
Me" I am actually looking forward to this, I have never been to a
wedding"
Yanga" I haven't seen your dress"
Me" Me too, I'm wearing another Sange original"
Yanga" Are you paying her?"
Me" Nope, she wants me just wants me to expose her things"
"Your friends from Cape Town loved my first dressed and she is
working on a gown for one of them"
Yanga" Probably Bahle, and please pay her. Even if she doesn't
want it"
Yanga" Give me her number and I'll send her an ewallet"
Me" Yanga, I haven't used my own salary for months now. I
have money and I still have my tips, I can pay her"
He giggled
Yanga" Khasapha le number, uyeke le drama uyenzayo"
Me" I don't like you"
He laughed
Yanga" I know but you are madly in love with me"
Me" I'm going to fetch this dress, I'll get dress ku Sange and
then you can fetch me there"
Yanga" Baba"
I looked at him
"Awuvasanga"
I roared with laughter
Me" I'll shower ku Sange"
Yanga" I don't believe you, go take a shower then go"
Me" We will be late"
Yanga" No one will notice"
Me" Are you joining me?"
Yanga" Nope, taking Giant for a walk"
" I hope you'll be done with everything by half 10"
Me" It's only 7 a.m. and I doubt I will take that long to get
dressed"
Yanga" Okay, I'm out"
"I love you"
Me" Khahambe wethu"
He spanked me and left. I took a quick shower, wore shorts and
my uggs then my Nmu hoodie. Grabbed my make up bag and
two weaves because I wasn't sure what to expect. I requested
an uber, arrived at Sange's place within 10 minutes or less.
Sange" Get naked"
Me" Usually I get food, then a little romance then I take off my
clothes"
I gave her a hug, then greeted her housemates. She is not
sharing her room, I now understand because her roommate
would hate all this fabric.
Sange" I hope you love this"
Me" I don't think you are capable of making something that I
won't like"
Sange" Get naked, I hope you haven't gained any weight
because I used the same measurements from last time"
I took off my clothes and she laughed at my undies.
Me" Granny undies are comfortable"
Sange" I didn't say anything"
Me" Yanga tried to hide them"
Sange" Haha he didn't try hard enough"
"I need you to take them off, I don't think they will work with
the dress"
We both laughed
Me" voestek"
Sange" You said you wanted something simple, so let's start
with your face"
Me" Can I just say you are God's gift to me"
Sange" Khathule"
She did a soft glam on me, we decided on nude brown lipstick.
Me" So straight hair?"
She helped me with my hair
Sange" I think a sloppy fishtail braid will look cute"
"You have a beautiful neck and the most beautiful chocolate
skin. Let that shit show"
She asked her housemate to do my hair, I started panicking
when I saw the time.
Me" Yanga will be here at half 10"
Sange" Not a problem"
"See your small boobs are a gift at moments like these"
She went to the the closet and took out my dress.
Sange" I hope you like it"
It was a long yellow satin dress with spaghetti straps, it hugged
every inch of my body. I loved the slit!, my height just worked
well with it.
Sange" Ina"
She gave me these teardrop earrings
Me" I have two options for my shoes"
Sange" The black strapless heel"
My phone rang and it was Yanga, we ignored it because I was
done just had to wear my shoes.
Sange" Thank you for the money but that was way more than
necessary"
I looked at her
"Baliso is Yanga's surname right?"
I nodded
Sange" He deposited 7k into my account"
Me" How did he get your banking details?"
Sange" He sent me kuqala when I had to go shopping for you?"
He called again and I picked up
Me" Ndiyeza"
Yanga" I'm outside"
Me" 2 minutes qha"
I gave Sange a hug, and thanked her housemate for my hair. She
walked me to the car to thank Yanga for the money.
Yanga" Yeses!"
He got out of the car and gave Sange a hug
"Rha! Hay akho need mani, yhuuu! Awumhle mntu wam"
I laughed, then I put my things in the backseat of his car. He
opened the door and we left for the wedding.
Me" You are making me nervous"
Yanga" I can't help it, you look ravishing"
Me" I'm not even that over dressed"
Yanga" That's what makes you look so sexy"
"Mandithule"
He played Frank Ocean's Moon River. We arrived at the
wedding, thank God we were not late. We sat at the back of the
church.
Yanga" Are you wearing any underwear?"
He whispered
Me" God can hear you"
I whispered back
Yanga" Eshe"
I reached for his hand and we focused on the ceremony. He
looked at me then smiled.
Me" What?"
Yanga" This will be us soon"
The following day we were ready for the Xhosa traditional
wedding. I didn't have any traditional Xhosa attire, I know but
that shit is expensive and I didn't see the point of buying one.
Since I will not be wearing it again. Sange hooked me up with
her housemate, I already bought a blue traditional print dress
and they altered it to be tight.
Me" Won't this fall?"
They tied my doek Nigerian style, over the top and I loved it but
was scared kodwa it was my idea.
Yanga" This is not your wedding"
Me" Then why are you smiling?"
We arrived in New Brighton and it was already packed, the
wedding was so beautiful.
Ongama" Yaya, wanqoda all eyes will be on you"
I laughed
Me" Your friend said I should put some effort"
Yanga" I never said out do everyone"
"Do you want to take off the heels?"
Me" Nope, I'm fine, I promise"
We went home around 8 pm, we were both equally tipsy.
Yanga" Baby"
Me" Lala"
He laughed
Yanga" I'll sleep but I want to tell you something"
Me" What?"
Yanga" Yazi kukho omnye umntana bendifuna pha. Tshini"
I laughed
Me" Okay but sleep"
Yanga" When you asked if ndili gintsa that honestly hurt me"
"I know you have your doubts but you accused me of being a
criminal and that was so unfair"
Me" I'm sorry"
Yanga" I want to tell you why I have so much money"
Me" I don't wanna know"
Yanga" But I wanna tell you"
" I don't want you finding out from someone else"
Me" I also want to tell you something"
Yanga" Let me tell you first"
"Ongama and Sive are what you accused me of, along with
many of their friends. They pay me in cash to get their people
out of jail and sometimes if they hit are successful on a job and
everything is clean, they give me a few thousands"
I kept quiet
Yanga" I don't own a gun, don't know how to use one and I
never want to learn. The only thing crime related I've ever done
was to help Nath..."
Me" No! I don't want to know"
Yanga" Are you sure?"
I nodded
Yanga" Okay"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" We are spending Christmas with my parents"
Me" I thought it will be just the four of us"
Yanga" Four?"
Me" Giant"
He pulled me closer to him.
Yanga" Hahaha, I want you to meet my parents"
Me" Are they coming here?"
Yanga" Ufuna uthini wena?"
Me" I'll cook, let them come here"
Yanga" You don't have to cook, we can just order food"
Me" Now you just want them to hate me"
"I'll cook"
Yanga" After Christmas lunch, we always go visit the other
family members"
Me" Qhama and I will remain behind"
Yanga" You wish"
"I meant what I said yesterday"
Me" Which one?"
Yanga" Uzobona ngam"
"Yaphangela ngomso?"
I nodded
Me" Don't forget Qhama lands at 7 pm"
Yanga" It's not like you won't remind me again"
I laughed
Me" Babe"
I moved my bum, he knows it means I want some.
Yanga" You said we were sleeping"
Me" Qhama returns tomorrow, no more walking around naked.
Having sex on the couch, kitchen table, we will be bed bound"
He laughed
Me" So enjoy me tonight, anyway you want it"
He laughed
Yanga" Khalale, uyeke izimanga"
The following day we went grocery shopping.
Yanga" You really need to sort out your driving, I can't be your
chauffeur and you can't keep donating money to uber"
Me" You'll let me drive your BMW?"
He kissed my cheek
Yanga" Unless undidlisile"
I laughed
Me" Mxm"
Yanga" Vivo is my gift to you, you'll love that you bought your
own first car"
"So start small, take the Polo"
Me" Okay"
We bought food for the Christmas lunch, and snacks for us.
"Yanga"
I looked at the girl that was hugging my boyfriend and ignoring
me.
Yanga" Hey you"
"This is Zoe"
I nodded, they carried on speaking and laughing. I was just
annoyed, don't know why but you can tell they've seen each
other naked.
Yanga" So I'll see everyone on New Year's eve"
Zoe" I think so, Solly said they will arrive on the 30th"
Yanga" Okay, we have to rush but it was nice seeing you again"
She smiled
Zoe" Same here. Bye"
She walked away from us, I wanted to kick the idiot I was with.
Yanga" I think we have everything"
Me" Yea"
We went to pay, we got out of the mall and just as fate would
have it. Zoe was parked next to us, she was pulling out.
Zoe" Stalker"
He laughed
Yanga" Whatever khahambe"
He opened the boot and we put everything there. On our way
home I had to ask.
Me" Is she your ex girlfriend?"
Yanga" Zoe?"
"Yea, but that was a long time ago"
Me" Why did you two break up?"
Yanga" She wanted to get married"
I scoffed
"I wasn't ready then, I was still finding my feet. She wasn't ready
too but all her friends were getting married and she felt the
pressure". Me" Okay"
Yanga" Don't do that"
Me" What?" Yanga" doubt me"
"You do that wena, you conclude something in your head then
believe it's true"
Yanga" So awucingi nix ngo Zoe?"
Me" Nope"
Yanga" I have exes, I am cool with most of them but it doesn't
mean I want them back. An ex is an ex for a reason"
"You can't keep acting like a child every time someone
approaches me. I told you, you are my only girlfriend. I don't
have a reason to lie to you. You need to start trusting me"
Me" Okay". Yanga" I hate it when you get upset"
"Masambe, let's go get you some ice cream"
Me" We bought ice cream"
He laughed
Yanga" I actually meant sex but okay"
Me" Ice cream?"
He winked
Me" Sies Yanga!"
I laughed
Yanga" Kodwa uyafuna. Masambe wethu, Giant needs a sibling"
Chapter 10
Christmas morning, they were all fast asleep but Giant and I
were cooking up a storm. Well Giant was eating but it's a
contribution nevertheless. I had the butternut boiling, my
turkey was already in the oven and the gammon was next.
Yanga promised he will braai the red meat in the morning. I
checked the time and it was almost 7, I boiled the potatoes
then started chopping. I decided to play music because Giant
and I had nothing to talk about anyway. I carried on with my
cooking and at half 8, I went to wake Yanga up.
Me" The meat"
Yanga" Huh?"
Me" You said you'll do the meat kusasa"
"Please wake up and do your part"
I went to wake Qhama up but he was already awake, playing
video games.
Me" Nope, phakama. Pick up the papers outside and clean your
room"
Qhama" Merry Christmas"
Me" Yes but I need this done"
I ran to the kitchen because I didn't trust Giant.
Yanga" Yazini"
I was beating the cream and trying to focus on this YouTube
tutorial for caramel cups.
Me" Do your duties please"
I finished with the caramel cups and went to check on my
gammon.
Yanga" Baby"
Me" Yes"
Yanga" Look at me"
Me" Nope, I can't, I have 3 hours to get everything done and
clean this mess, then take a shower and change"
Yanga" Did you even sleep?"
Me" Yea, started doing this at 2 a.m."
Yanga" That's not healthy"
Me" I need this to be perfect"
"Where did you put the trestle tables?"
Yanga" They are already outside"
Me" Thank you"
It seemed like everything was almost done, the extension were
outside and the baimery was filled with water and already
heating up things.
Yanga" Sleep for an hour"
Me" No"
"Braai the meet Bhuti, your parents will be here two hours from
now. Take a shower and get dressed"
He was staring at me.
Yanga" I'll finish up, sleep for 30 minutes. Qhama and I will sort
everything out"
Me" No"
Yanga" Ndakucela"
Me" I am fine, I've had three cups of coffee"
Yanga" Okay, hambo hlala phantsi ke"
Me" Okay"
He kissed my forehead and I went to chill on the couch.
"Yaya"
I jumped up
Qhama" Hambo vasa"
Me" Izitya"
Qhama" Bhuti!!!!!"
Yanga came running
Yanga" We have 30 minutes before everyone gets here"
Me" You let me sleep"
Yanga" Yes, you are not a slave. Had I known this would make
you go crazy then we should have just had our own Christmas"
"Go take a shower, they'll be late, African time"
They were already dressed, the kitchen was clean. So I went to
take a shower then decided to wear shorts and a vest, then
went to help up set up. I still had to blend the butternut soup
and cut the chiabata. I went to set the table, took out 5 bottles
of wine, orange juice and water.
Yanga" Go change"
"Everything is ready"
I wore a gold metallic pleated skirt and a black off the shoulder
top. I heard people talking and I knew they arrived, my nerves
shot up roof. I closed my eyes then wore my heels, fixed my hair
then put on some lip gloss. The door opened.
Yanga" Iza"
"Ndakwazi wena"
I smiled
Me" I was getting dressed"
Yanga" Heels?"
Me" Yea, I need to feel powerful and they do that for me"
Yanga" You'll get tired"
"Wear flat shoes babe, you have nothing to prove"
Me" It will look sloppy"
Yanga" Ayikho lonto"
He gave me gladiator sandals
"wear those"
Me" Nah, I'll wear the black sandals"
He gave them to me, I got out and he closed the room.
I prayed there was enough food, initially I thought it will just be
us and his parents, but his brother and his wife decided to join
us. I wore an apron and dished up the butternut soup once
everyone was seated, I did the cream decoration and it came
out looking good. I still haven't actually met his parents, they
were all already seated outside when we came out of the room.
Yanga" Let me help"
I gave him the tray with the bread and butter.
"You baked this?"
Me" Nope, bought it Woolies yesterday"
Yanga" I almost lost my mind, I hate What you are doing right
now. You are not a slave apha, you should have asked for help"
Me" Can we have this fight later?"
I followed after him with the soup then went inside to fetch
more, everyone had their food. Qhama prayed and they ate, I
got up to set up for the main course. Everything was ready,
everyone will ditch up for themselves. Everything was on the
table and covered so the flying guests wouldn't interefe.
Qhama" Yaya, your food is getting cold"
I nodded, then walked to the table. When I sat done everyone
smiled. I looked around then started eating my food.
Yanga" This is delicious, is there more?"
Me" Yea, but don't fill up on this because I made your favorite
noodle salad"
Yanga" I saw it!"
I giggled, everyone was staring at us.
Mamakhe" Yhuu! Ndizomka ndityebile apha"
I didn't know if that was a compliment or not because her food
wasn't finished. Yanga poured champagne for me and I thanked
him, but pushed it to the side and had water instead, his sister
in law offered to help me clean up. We took all the plate inside.
Buhle" I don't think we've met"
Me" Nope, but I know your name because of Yanga"
Buhle" This was delicious"
Me" Hope everyone enjoyed it"
Buhle" Even if they did, your mother in law isn't the most vocal
person and their father is worse. They are not rude but they
never say too much"
"Don't take it personal"
Me" Thanks for the advice"
I washed the dishes and she dried them. We went outside and
music was playing, Qhama was chatting with Yanga's father
about something that seemed really important because he was
whispering in his ear.
Yanga" So it's self service for everyone. There is enough food for
everyone"
"I'll dish for you, go sit down"
I walked to the table, it was just his father and I. He smiled at
me and I did the same.
Tatakhe" Thank you for having us"
Me" Well, thank me after you've had everything and that's
when you'll know if Christmas with us was worth it"
He laughed, his wife joined us and he told her what I said.
Mamakhe" Kukho a rating card?"
Me" Hahaha I'm not sure I can handle it but yes"
Everyone was on the table, Qhama was chatting up everyone. I
was starting to relax, they were sharing childhood stories,
making jokes and talking politics.
Yanga" I'll clean up, Songezo will help me. It's our turn to do the
dishes"
His brother roared with laughter
Songezo" Woah! When was this decided"
Yanga" Iza"
John legend came on and his parents got up to slow dance.
Conversation in the dark was the song they were dating to, I
took a video of them.
Buhle" I think they are tipsy"
She whispered to me and I giggled
Me" Think so too"
I went inside to fetch the tipsy tart and cheese cake, caramel
cups, ice cream and strawberry sauce.
Yanga" I'll help"
They helped me carry everything outside.
Qhama" I am having cheese cake!"
"And ice cream"
I cut a piece for him then a scoop of ice cream.
Yanga" Save us some caramel cups, I want to eat them off you"
Me" Hahaha khandiyeke"
After we were done with everything everyone went inside and I
was left with his mother.
Me" You can go inside, I just have to tidy up"
She smiled
Mamakhe" Izohlala apha"
I went to seat next to her.
"When Yanga told us about you, I won't lie, I was curious. Yanga
never tells us about anyone, we've never spent Christmas here.
Then he said you have a son, but he explained the situation and
I thought he was trying to rescue you. But hey! Today I was
proved wrong about everything, he dished up for you, forced
you to eat, shouted at us for not helping out and he did the
dishes so you can take a break. I don't know ithini into yenu, but
I am glad he is with you"
She gave me a hug
Mamakhe" You should never feel like you are less than, or go all
out to impress anyone. When Yanga told me that you barely
slept because you wanted us to find everything perfect,
mntanam you make my son happy. That's all that matters, you
could have served us crackers and cheese we would have
jumped for joy because Yanga is happy. I just wanted you to
know that you never ever have to do this again, do things like
this if kufuna wena but not to impress. Uyeva baby wam?"
I nodded, then I felt it, my lips quivering. I closed my eyes.
Me" It's always been Qhama and I, and now we have him. He
has been good to us, this was just me trying to show him that I
am worthy"
Mamakhe" Oh sana lwam, you are worthy, you don't need
anyone to validate that"
"The way your brother speaks of you, the way he affirms you
and praises the things you've done. You should be proud of
yourself. Ekugqibeleni, uThixo ukuphe umntu wokuncedisa.
Whatever happens between you two, this was necessary for the
both of you. Sometimes you need someone to remind you that
it's okay to let go and live life to the fullest"
"Let go, and live your life. Pain is part of growth but it doesn't
define you. What you make out of the pain, that's what defines
you"
Then I cried. She held me so tight that I cried even more. I have
heard people saying "having a mother is a blessing" when she
held me, I understood what they meant. I felt safe in her arms.
"Uyakhala?"
I heard Yanga's voice and I pulled away from his mother. Then
looked at him.
Me" She cracked me"
Mamakhe" Tshini, nawe undikhalisile. So we are both guilty"
I wiped my tears and laughed, she kissed my cheek then left us.
Yanga" Are you okay?"
I nodded
Me" Yea, she just said something that I didn't know I needed to
hear until she said it"
He hugged me
Yanga" We are all going to New Brighton to visit my Dad's
family. Take a jacket"
"I love you"
We kissed then I pulled away
Me" I love you too"
We had so much fun with his family that Qhama didn't want to
come back. He found kids his age and Buhle assured us that he
is safe with them. Yanga and I went back to our place, I took off
my clothes and wore a t-shirt then went straight to bed.
Yanga" Today was perfect"
Me" What are you eating?"
Yanga" Now? Caramel cups but later wena"
Me" Hahaha I am closed for business, I am exhausted"
Yanga" Fine, let's go eat the leftovers"
I got out of bed and followed him to the kitchen.
Me" What's left?"
Yanga" My parents took your tipsy tart and I wanted to eat that"
"We have cheese cake and meat"
I laughed
Me" I think you'll fall even more in love with me when I show
you this"
I took out the noodle salad for him
Yanga" Let's just go to home affairs and get this done"
I laughed
Me" I have one more surprise"
Yanga" Nothing can top this moment"
Me" Really?"
He nodded
Yanga" Unless you will introduce me to Kanye West right at this
moment"
I laughed
Me" Don't be stupid hahaha"
Yanga" See? Nothing"
Me" Read the t-shirt"
Yanga" Which one?"
Me" Mine". Yanga" Learn some nursery rhymes"
He stared at me and I laughed
"I don't get it"
Me" Hahaha babe, no! I worked so hard for this"
"Okay, plan B"
Yanga" Hahaha you are being weird"
Me" Whistle for Giant"
He whistled and Giant came running
Yanga" Is he wearing a t-shirt?"
I nodded. Me" Read it"
Yanga" Best big brother"
"Fuck! You are pregnant?!"
He lifted me up and kissed me
Yanga" Wait! What?"
Me" I found out yesterday, two months pregnant"
He kissed me again
Yanga" I'm going to be a father?"
Me" Yes"
Chapter 11
5 Months Later
PTSD is always subtle, it's there but you never really see it. You
experience the nightmares, you swear to God you can hear
footsteps when you are alone. Then you want to protect
yourself. I have heard about the trauma of having a gun to your
head, I've heard about how you don't ever really recover from
it. How the nightmares are a constant thing, how you die every
time you think about it. How hard it is to go back to your
normal because of the paranoia. I relive the same moment
everyday.
"Voestek phuma!"
See people would watch, they have absolutely no problem
watching someone getting hijacked. People were driving past
me, I was dragged out of my car. 7 months pregnant but I don't
think that mattered to them. As if it wasn't enough, they took
my engagement ring and the necklace I was wearing then drove
off. New Brighton, I was only here because I had to fetch Qhama
at a friends house, I was only driving the Range because my car
went in for repairs, I was only out of bed because Yanga was still
in Cape Town. The police arrived after what felt like an hour,
one guy got out of his car and actually helped me.
"Is there anyone you want to call?"
I nodded, I was trembling, so I just called out Yanga's number.
When he saw I was still trembling, he spoke to Yanga.
"Molo Mfo, andina details kodwa umfazi wakho has been
hijacked. Apha ngakwa Spar in New Brighton, natsi ambulance
nama polisa kodwa"
This happened two weeks ago, however I was still stuck in the
maze. It felt like it was happening at this very moment. I
couldn't stop reliving it. So I wanted to control it.
Me" We need another dog"
"For outside, we need another dog since Giant is always inside"
I have been home for a week now, I only stayed in hospital for
two days.
Yanga" Okay"
Me" A German shepherd"
I went to the sick to wash my hands
Yanga" Yazini"
Me" I want a dog"
Yanga" I'll get the dog"
"Come, let's go to bed"
Me" Okay"
I went to the door to check if it's locked, I checked if all the
windows are closed. I then went to check if there was no one in
Qhama's room because he was at Yanga's parents place,
checked the bathroom and then backdoor if it was locked.
Yanga" Masiyo lala"
I got into my pyjamas then went to bed, he tried to hold me.
Me" Not tonight"
Yanga" Yazini, I am not trying to have sex. I am holding you qha"
Me" Okay"
I waited for him to fall asleep then I removed his arm, I went to
Qhama's room to sleep there. I was losing my mind, I felt
trapped constantly reliving the same thing. I woke up screaming
every night, and I needed him to have a peaceful night. He
hardly sleeps because of me, I just wanted everything to be
normal again. I went on my WhatsApp and saw I had a message
from Qhama.
"Baby shower mfazi!!!!!!!!"
I giggled then replied
"Organize, we will have it here though. I don't want to go
outside"
I heard footsteps, then the door opened and Yanga peeped, I
think he wanted to see if I was sleeping. I gave him that, I
pretend like I was sleeping.
Yanga" Goodnight"
Something shifted between us, I think it was how he retrieved
everything that was taken from me. It bothered me how his car
was back, it was like I imagined everything that happened.
"I took care of them"
He said that a lot, I wondered what he meant by it. I wanted to
know but I didn't want to hear the answer.
Yanga" I would start a war for you"
"You are my world"
Have you ever heard of Helen of Troy? The face that launched a
thousand ships. Well in my case it was bullets.
The following week Yanga had to go to Cape Town something
about the Montgomery Group and that he needed to consult
for a friend. I know Montgomery-Rhodes is Andrew and Lona's
surname, didn't care much about why they needed a criminal
lawyer.
Yanga" Come with me, you'll be alone apha"
Me" With two dogs"
We now had Giant and a German shepherd we called him Hulk.
Qhama came up with the name.
Yanga" and you are eight months pregnant"
Me" Pregnant doesn't mean incapable"
Yanga" Will you take me to the airport?"
Me" I'll ask Khanya, I don't want to drive"
"I'm not ready"
Yanga always showed emotional, it was never hard to read what
he was thinking.
Yanga" Come with me"
"You are not okay and I don't get why you don't want to admit
that"
Me" What will I do while you work?"
"It's you they want, not me"
Yanga" It's not safe here, awulali and I don't feel comfortable
dragging your friends into this mess"
Me" What mess?"
Yanga" It doesn't matter, I just need to know you're safe"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Thank you"
Since my hijacking a lot shifted, he made sure he fetched
Qhama, we hardly went out. When the holidays came, he made
his parents take Qhama with to Pretoria to visit his brother. He
was always on the phone, and this one time someone called
him and I picked up. He called Yanga by a name I've never heard
before and when I asked him, he said it was probably a wrong
number. It was like the lies came natural to him. Maybe Cape
Town would do us good, who knows maybe we need this break.
When we arrived in Cape Town, his friend was waiting for us.
Yanga" Nathan this is my fiance"
He offered me a smile
Nathan" I needed us to ho straight to the office, we are trying to
handle this before it goes public"
"I've organized a car for your wife, Lona said they will be home.
So you can fetch her there"
Yanga" I'll see you later"
Me" Okay, I'll probably be sleeping"
I arrived at Lona's house and the housekeeper let me in.
Me" Hello Mama"
She smiled at me
Hk" Hello, uLona went to visit Thabang. She said she will see
you later"
I nodded
Me" Ndicela uvasa"
She showed my where we will be sleeping, I was curious if
Yanga was going to stay here without me. I took a bath then
wore sweatpants, a vest and a cardigan. All I wear is uggs
because my feet didn't belong to me anymore. My phone rang
and I didn't recognize the number but I just assumed it's Yanga
or work.
"Should we get you anything?, we are at Spar"
"It's me Lona"
Me" Oh, biltong please and avocados"
Lona" Alright, see you soon"
Me" Thank you"
She ended the call, I decided to fix my hair because I have a
hunch she was with people. I went to the tv room, a little boy
was seated there watching Iron man.
Me" Hey, can I hangout with you?"
He nodded
"I'm Xavier, are you Mommy's friend?"
Me" Yaya, and not really sure, we just know each other"
He nodded then went back to watching. I didn't want to disturb
him but my nugget kept on kicking.
Xavier" Should I get you water?"
I smiled
Me" No, he is just restless and he kicks a lot"
He looked surprised
"Want to feel?"
He nodded then walked over to me, I took his hand and put it
on my stomach.
Me" Say something"
Xavier" Anything?"
Right on time Nugget kicked and Xavier laughed.
"This is so cool!"
Nugget kicked again, he was having fun but I wasn't. Nugget
needs to come out already, I call him that because Yanga bought
me Nuggets the first time we met.
Xavier" Come and feel"
He said to the little boy that walked in
"This is Connor"
I smiled at him, he also touched my stomach. They started
singing for him, he eventually stopped kicking.
Connor" What is he doing now?"
I laughed
Me" He is probably sleeping"
Xavier" When he wakes up, please tell us"
Me" I will do that for you"
Solly and Lona walked in while the boys were still asking me
questions.
Lona" Benditheni kuni about watching movies this side?"
Me" I'm sorry, I asked them to play the movie for me apha"
They both smiled at me
Xavier" Mom is Claire with you?, she missed out on Nugget
kicking"
Lona" She is with Nathan and Sam"
The boys excused themselves and we all sat together.
Me" I'm starving, do you mind if I eat?"
Solly" Where is your pregnancy weight?, are you exercising
while pregnant?"
I laughed because Yanga's mother asked me the same thing.
Me" Yea, but nothing hectic"
We all walked to the kitchen, I made a guacamole with my
avocados then chopped the biltong and threw it in there.
Me" Aren't you guys eating?"
They both looked at me
Solly" Aren't we sharing that?"
Me" Haha no, I am eating for two"
Lona" Hahaha I am not even going to judge you"
"I remember when I was pregnant with Claire, Zama would
always laugh at me for eating so much"
I didn't expect to hear her name, especially coming from Lona's
mouth.
Solly" Tshomi, can I ask?"
"I have always tried to understand the whole Claire and Zama
situation, was it about the money?"
Lona" Nathan and I don't think so, she was always here alone.
Nothing ever went missing, she had two children and she didn't
seem like a thief"
"I don't know, I can't ask her because she passed away"
Solly" With 5 million rand"
She looked at me
"Zama was their housekeeper, she was the sweetest lady ever.
Then she kidnapped Claire for almost a year"
I started crying
Lona" We found Claire unharmed, thank God but she was
dehydrated"
"We never really recovered from the kidnapping"
I wiped my tears
Solly" Yanga helped them"
"After the police failed, Yanga was the one who actually helped
them find Claire"
I was confused
Me" How?"
They looked at each other
Lona" He knew people, he sent out criminals to find a criminal"
Solly" I can't imagine it yaz, I try but it doesn't make sense"
Lona" He said he didn't and I believe him, I don't see it nam but
I'm sure he was there"
Solly" He was bound to be there"
I looked at them, I was confused.
Me" I'm lost"
"Yanga was bound to be where?"
Solly" He isn't called Houdini nje"
That's the name the guy called him, and Yanga said it was a
wrong number.
Me" But what does that have to do with my m...with Zama"
Lona" Yanga was the one who found Claire and we all know he
cleaned up everything"
"He is called Houdini because he can find an escape for
anything"
I looked at them, I swear to God my heart stopped beating for a
second.
Me" Yanga killed Zama?"
I was literally in tears
Solly" He didn't shoot her, I'm sure of that, he isn't the type but
he organized what Nathan wanted"
"Uright?"
Everything replayed in slow motion, from the night he tried to
tell me about the illegal thing he did for Nathan, to me getting
hijacked, to the gun shoots, Qhama and his parents being in
Pretoria because of a war and him getting my mother killed.
"She was my mother"
I whispered
"Zama, was my mother"
Lona" Which Zama?"
Me" Yanga killed my mother"
"I am having his baby"
I was trembling, my heart beating fast
Solly" Yaya?"
Lona" That's impossible!"
"She had a son"
Me" That's my little brother Qhama"
I put my hand on my mouth trying to process everything.
Lona" She took my daughter!"
"She extorted us! We trusted her and she took my daughter"
Me" And you killed her!"
"Your children still have you, but my brother and I don't have
parents"
Lona"You got 5 million!"
I laughed
Me" There was no money! We lost our mother and our home"
Lona" She deserved to die!"
Me" My mother died, she died like a dog"
"And my boyfriend killed her"
Solly tried to take my hand and I moved away.
Me" I can't be here"
"He killed her"
They both stared at me, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel my
legs, just the warmth between my thighs.
Lona" Get out! Get out of my house!"
She pulled my hand and Solly jumped to stop her.
Solly" Lona!!"
She pushed Solly aside then slapped me.
Lona" Get out!"
She pushed me, I bumped into the kitchen door with my
stomach.
Solly" Xavier call your father now!!!"
"Lona! Uzobanjwa!"
She threw me against the wall, we were both crying.
Lona" Hamba!"
She pushed me outside and I bumped my head against the wall.
I hit the floor landing on my back.
Solly" What have you done!"
She ran to me, stopped feeling the pain. Everything was just
okay, I felt safe and sleepy. I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel any
pain. Everything was numb and I hoped this was it. This was me
dying. And I was content at last.
Chapter 12
4 MONTHS LATER
Someone once told me that running doesn't solve anything, I
disagree they probably didn't run fast enough. I learned a few
months ago that money is power, I arrived at the hospital and I
was in pain. I remember slipping in and out of consciousness. I
remember I grabed one nurse and whispered something in her
ears before I passed out. I spent a week in recovery, I made sure
I was drugged before visiting hours that way I wouldn't hear or
see Yanga.
Qhama" Yaya?"
I turned around to look at him, he was sad, I could see it in his
eyes but if he knew what I knew. He would know that this
betrayal was necessary.
"Can I play outside?, ulele umntana"
I nodded
Me" Just don't go too far"
Money makes a difference, don't let them tell you otherwise.
Since dating Yanga I never used my salary or my tips, they were
all chilling in the bank. I had so much money that bribing
officials wasn't that hard.
*I started with the nurse, she hd one job, she would tell Yanga
our child passed away. He didn't deserve to be a father.
* I knew he would tell my Aunt that I'm in hospital, when she
came to visit, I asked her to take Qhama from Yanga.
* I got another nurse to convince the doctor I was ready to be
discharged but that wasn't hard because I was good. My baby
just 2 weeks early.
* Qhama and I went back to PE, I knew this for a fact. He would
look everywhere but here.
* I finally got an internship, and Qhama was still in Curro. I used
what remained of my money to pay his fees for 6 months. Then
I changed everything in his emergency contacts.
Qhama" Sange is here"
He said shouting from outside, I went to open the gate and I
laughed at her. She was wearing a baseball cap and huge
shades.
Me" Why?"
Sange" Sana! I couldn't risk it"
I gave her a hug
Me" Qhama play at the back of the house tuu"
He nodded then ran to the back.
Sange" Khanya is on his way, he just stopped for food"
Me" I have food apha"
Sange" Yhuu! Allow us to spoil you for once and the food is for
this angel not you"
She looked like him, so much, she had my lips and eyes but
uboso was her father.
Sange" Iza, uMakazi akubambe"
My phone vibrated and it was Khanya, I quickly went to open
for him.
Me" Sana! Aniva, so many things"
Khanya" Awuqelanga uthandwa kanene"
I helped him with the plastics and we went inside, they were
playing with her, she kept on trying to touch Sange's face.
Me" You guys ruined her, she wants to be held oko!"
Sange" Tell Mommy you are a princess kaloku wena"
The house I was living in belonged to Khanya's family, he told
his mother about my situation and she offered it but all I had to
do was pay for water and electricity.
Me" I need to feed her"
Sange" You look exhausted"
Khanya" She doesn't sleep?"
Me" My paranoia, I sometimes think he will find us"
Khanya" He hasn't stopped looking that's for sure"
Me" Have you see him?"
Sange" He came to our place"
"He doesn't look good"
Khanya" We didn't say anything, he needed evidence and I let
him go through my phone"
Me" What if he found my number?"
Khanya" I only have your number ku tilili"
It's like Hlalumi knew we were speaking about her father, she
started crying.
Sange" Tshomi?"
She wanted me to give him a chance to explain.
Me" You promised not to tell him"
Sange" I won't but he doesn't deserve this"
Me" He killed my mother!!! I also didn't deserve to grow up
without a mother"
They knew the story but they both didn't believe Yanga was
capable of killing.
"I am doing this my way"
Khanya" Okay"
As soon as Hlalumi fell asleep, I went to make food for
everyone. We all sat and had a chat about everything but what
we actually wanted to speak about.
Sange" I will miss this yaz"
Me" I am starting to think awuzobuya wena"
Khanya" I said the same thing!"
She got it at Fashion Institute of Technology in New York and
she was leaving 2 months from now.
Sange" I'll be back but with an accent"
Me" Don't be one of those people"
"I'm already dealing with one twang in this house, I don't need
you to switch up on me"
Sange" You really sent Qhama to Curro and you thought he
wouldn't have an accent?"
"Usile"
They left around 8pm, it was such an amazing day. Hlalumi
woke up after they left and started crying, I fed her then we sat
and watched tv.
Qhama" Goodnight Yaya"
Me" Goodnight my baby"
"Is everything ready for tomorrow??"
Qhama" Yep, I ironed and hug all my school shirts"
I will one day buy Sange and Qhama a tropical island, they
helped so much with everything and I'm grateful to have friends
like them.
Me" Okay then, I love you"
Qhama" I love you too"
The following day Qhama went to school, I waited for the nanny
(Lunje) she is always late, she finally arrived then I left for work.
It was a drag as always but I didn't mind because I was getting
paid, although my stipend didn't cover everything. So after
work I worked as a waitress from 6 until 11pm, I however didn't
work weekends, I needed to spend time with my babies. I was
always exhausted but I didn't mind, we needed the money.
Me" Nisahleli?"
Lunje" Ewe, uyamazi kaloku"
Hlalumi sleeps during the day but at night she wants to stay up.
I usually ignore her until she falls asleep.
Me" Hambo lala, I'll take her"
Lunje" Ukutya kwakho is in the fridge and Qhama has a
permission slip that needs to be signed"
Me" I'll do it kusasa"
"Goodnight"
Lunje" Sho"
I did some work while Hlalumi entertained herself, she was
starting to fall asleep but was fighting it. I fed her and she fell
asleep immediately. I rocked her back and forth before going to
put her down.
Me" Goodnight baby"
I went to wash the dishes, then went on my instagram to stalk
Yanga. He hasn't uploaded anything since 4 months ago, I can't
look at his stories without him knowing that I did. I went back
on his timeline and I saw a picture of Qhama, Giant, Hulk and I
with the caption;
"I come home to this every single day. Surely I am God's favorite
child"
I went through everything and then went to stalk Solly, she
uploaded a candle 3 months ago with the caption;
"Pray for your friends, pray for their healing and pray that God
forgives you"
I decided to just go to sleep because a part of me felt guilty
about what I was doing to Yanga but mostly Hlalumi because
she deserves to know her father. I knew mine and I still miss
him everyday.
The week quickly went by and before I knew it, it was Saturday
and I got paid izolo. I paid my Nanny first, then went grocery
shopping with Qhama and Hlalumi. Lunje had already left for
the weekend so it was just us.
Me" Qhama"
He was eating his chocolate cake away from us, because
according to him Hlalumi eats his stuff.
"Masambe"
Qhama" Ngoku?"
Me" I think so before I change my mind"
"The uber is 2 minutes away"
Qhama" Can I bring my cake?"
Me" No, masambe"
I locked the house and we left, I was nervous but this felt right.
Qhama" Yaya?"
He had a huge smile on his face.
Me" Yea"
Qhama" Thank you! Thank you!"
"I want to see Giant, I miss Hulk! I miss my games"
Me" Calm down"
"We are not staying Qhama"
The uber dropped us and there were a few cars parked outside,
the door was slightly opened. Qhama was the first to run inside,
Hulk jumped on him. Qhama was laughing.
Me" Please stop running"
The door opened and my heart stopped beating for a good
second. He was wearing jeans with a navy sweater and
sneakers. He was staring at me, I think he was staring at what
was on my hands.
Qhama" Bhuti! Where is Giant"
Qhama was so oblivious to this, he saw Giant and he was over
the moon. Both dogs were jumping, while Yanga and I were still
staring at each other.
Yanga" Hey"
Sange did say he doesn't look good, I thought she was
exaggerating.
Me" Hey"
Yanga" Awufuni ungena?"
Me" Okay"
We went inside, nothing has changed. Every time was still the
same, our pictures were still on the wall.
Yanga" Can I get you something?"
Me" No, I hope we not interrupting"
Yanga" It's my father's birthday, they are all outside"
Me" Guess Qhama already found them"
He nodded
"This is Hlalumi, I packed everything for her, I pumped and I
think she should be fine. She loves being held, she will cry when
you put her down but ignore her. I was planning on taking
Qhama with me but I know akazofuna uhamba. So I'll be back
to fetch them at 7p.m."
He looked at me
"I am trusting you with my child, don't make me regret doing
this"
Yanga" They said she died"
I had so mucb to say but all I could say was;
"You killed my mother, I did what was best for my child just like I
am right now"
"She sleeps in her fetal position, don't let that scare you"
He didn't say anything, he was just staring at me. I took out my
phone aand requested an uber, Khanya agreed to meet up with
me.
Yanga" I...."
I interrupted him
Me" I'm not interested in anything you have to say"
"I'll be here, 7 p.m. to fetch them"
We were chilling at White Tiger, Sange managed to join us too.
Khanya" Do you trust him?"
Me" He is not stupid"
Sange" What did he say?"
Me" Nothing much, didn't give him a chance to lie to me"
Sange" I just think you need to hear his side of the story"
Me" No, it doesn't change anything"
" Can we talk about something else?"
Sange" Your t-shirt has milk stains"
"You are dripping"
Me" Why bungatsho?"
Sange" You were venting"
Me" I hate you"
Sange" Just go pump"
Khanya" She left everything ku Yanga"
Me" I guess I have to go right?"
Sange" Pump on my glass, I hear breast milk clears pimples"
Khanya and I laughed
Khanya" She is drunk"
Me" Breast milk isn't even nice"
Sange" Pump and let me be the judge of that"
Instead of going back to his place, Khanya gave me his jacket to
cover up after I pumped in a water bottle.
Sange" I'm taking this milk"
Khanya" Hahaha khayeke ubhanxeka"
At half 6 p.m. we settled the bill, Khanya went to drop off Sange
then me at Yanga's place. I noticed the cars were gone, I was
glad about that, I didn't want to face his parents.
Khanya" I'll be back at half 7"
Me" Why can't you wait?"
Khanya" Because this is between you and him, I just think you
need to listen to him or at least give him an extra 30 minutes
with his child"
I noddded
Me" Ubuye!"
Khanya" I'll be back"
Me" Thanks"
I knocked, I don't know why I did but I knocked. He opened and
he had a smile on his face.
Me" Hey, do you still have my clothes apha?"
He nodded
"I forgot my pump in her bag and I messed on my shirt"
Yanga" Uzovasa?"
Me" When we get home. I just want a t-shirt"
Hlalumi was so quiet, she kept on touching his face and he kept
on kissing her. I went to change my shirt, while there I took my
documents and threw them in my bag.
Qhama" Siyalala?"
Me" No, we are going back home"
Qhama" But I am having fun"
Me" We spoke about this Qhama"
Qhama" We can go home tomorrow"
Me" No, we are going now"
I packed everything, Qhama was upset with me.
Yanga" Take your Xbox with you"
Me" Please don't try to bribe my brother!"
Yanga" I don't have a reason to bribe Qhama"
"I get you and I are not okay but I don't see why he should
suffer"
Me" Now you care about his suffering? You took from him!"
"From us! And if Hlalumi wasn't here, ngendi ngekho apha"
He turned and looked at Qhama
"Go check out the new game, I need to speak to your sister"
Qhama didn't even hesitate, he ran to the room.
Me" Now you undermine my authority"
He put Hlalumi on the bed made with pillows.
Yanga" You lied to me"
"You said she died"
Me" Did I tell you that?"
Yanga" I know you were responsible for it!"
Me" Those are serious allegations"
"Report me kaloku, I'm sure you know the law"
Yanga" You took everything away from me"
Me" Fuck off!"
"You took my mother away from me, forever! I took Hlalumi for
5 months. You took my mother forever"
Yanga" I keep hearing you saying this about me and you don't
have proof. I got proof because sometimes shit happens and I
didn't want to be accessed of things like now"
" I have never killed and I've told you this before. Your mother
was killed by her boyfriend, way before we even got there.
Claire was dehydrated and starved, which means he killed her
and left Claire there with a dead body. We took Claire and we
called the police. Nathan wasn't satisfied with him just going to
jail, so he asked me to organize someone and that's how
Qhama's father died"
Me" You are lying!"
Yanga" I once told you, I don't lie"
Me" Yet you lied about being a criminal!"
Yanga" I know criminals, all sorts of them. I know gangsters, I
know them because I am a criminal lawyer! I have told you this
a million times. I sometimes get caught in the middle of wars.
You got hijacked because of that and I asked Ongama to handle
it, I know people and I will not apologize for that but I will not
stand here and be accused of something that I didn't do"
Me" I don't believe you"
Yanga" What do you want? Proof? I have that but then that
means me being disbarred"
"Fine, keep Hlalumi, do what works for you and I will respect
that. I however hate that you think I killed your mother"
Me" Keep my daughter away from Lona"
Yanga" Okay"
Me" I don't trust you, I want to trust you but it's hard. So much
has happened"
Yanga" That's okay"
My phone rang, it was Khanya.
Me" I have to go"
Yanga" Can I see her again tomorrow"
He was actually crying
"You can supervise, I just want to see her. I promise I won't
overstep"
I nodded
Me" We will come here"
"I don't trust you enough to let you in, but my feelings have
nothing to do with Hlalumi"
I went to get Qhama, we finally left.
Khanya" Did you get your closure?"
Me" I don't know but I believe him"
Khanya" What now?"
Me" I have no idea"
Chapter 13
2 YEARS LATER
They say you often find home in your soulmate, I don't know
what that means. Yanga and I have been separated for 2 years,
4 months and 12 days but who is counting anyway. Things have
tough! Well no, I finally got a real job and it paid me enough to
stop working two jobs. Qhama didn't have to change schools
and we finally moved into our own place. Hlalumi saw her
father every weekend, Yanga and I had an argument because I
didn't see why Qhama had to go with Hlalumi and he was like;
"Qhama has always been like a son to me, Hlalumi shouldn't
change that. Imagine how Qhama will feel suddenly being
excluded"
I am telling you! You think he stopped at that?, he was there at
every concert, every sport event and he took Qhama to soccer
games like he did when we were together. I wanted to jump
across the room and smack him for being so good with my
brother. One night when he was dropping off the kids, he asked
if we cam speak and I said "yea", I never expected what he said;
"I am moving on, it's been a year and I am giving up on you. I
didn't want you to hear or see it before I tell you". He moved on
with Zoe! Are there no women in PE?. They seemed happy and
my traitorous brother loved Zoe and so did my daughter. It's
always your own people that betray you. So I decided to start
dating again too. I met this guy and he was really a good guy
but he wasn't my type. I didn't even think I have a type until I
actually started dating again, Yanga was an intellectual man, but
he also had this street thing about him. He knew his role as a
man, allowed me to shine and he admired from a distance,
even during sex, he was always more focused on pleasing me. I
have slept with two men that's excluding Yanga, and I have
been dealing with disappointments. My expectations kept on
ruining things for me, so I lowered them and I was still
disappointed. So I decided to bench myself.
Khanya" You really haven't had sex in 6 months?"
Me" Yea, celibacy is good sometimes"
Sange" For who?"
Yep, she was back, she spent two years in New York and she
moved to Cape Town to work for a fashion magazine as a stylist.
She is just visiting for the weekend.
Khanya" State of mind"
Sange" But you are always having sex"
She said looking at Khanya and he giggled
"Yes, but I love having sex, I love fucking and she doesn't. We
can't all the good at this"
Khanya said then reached for his wine glass.
Me" I enjoy sex"
Sange" No, you are suppose to love sex. "Enjoy" what is wrong
with you?"
"I could cuddle a dick"
Khanya" Pray on a dick"
Sange" Ride a dick"
Khanya" Kiss a dick"
Sange" Gag because of a dick"
Khanya" But have reflex because I can handle dick"
Sange" Swallow dick juice"
I roared with laughter
Me" I get it!!! Hahahah I hate you two"
Khanya" Take that frustration and go ride a dick"
They shared a hi five.
Me" Voestek uyeva?"
" I know what I want"
Khanya" But that's Zoe's dick"
Sange" Nangoku?"
Me" Yep"
"They are happy"
Khanya" She stalks him on instagram"
Sange nodded
Me" What are you doing?"
She was pouring more wine in my glass.
Sange" Giving you courage"
Me" For?"
Sange" To have a one night stand"
"Don't over think, find a guy and let him take you home"
Khanya" Just don't get too drunk, be tipsy that way you can still
consent and he shouldn't be too drunk either"
Me" Where will I find that guy?"
Sange" We are going out"
Me" No"
Khanya" I don't think she was asking"
The waiter came to us
"Hey, my boss says you can't put your feet on the chair"
Khanya and I laughed
Me" Tell Roger we used to make him money, this is the least he
can do for us"
The waiter laughed, we ordered two more bottles of wine.
Around 9 we went to my place because they wouldn't let us in
at Cubana because we were wearing flip flops. Sange change
her whole outfit and wore a baby pink bandage dress with
spaghetti straps and clear heels.
Khanya" Akabuyi nawe lo, she has a dick appointment"
Sange threw condoms in her clutch bag.
Me" Really?"
Sange" Yea, he will pick me up pha"
I laughed
Me" What should I wear?"
Sange" Be comfortable but sexy"
I just wore a black bodycon dress that's off the shoulder and
heels. We finally left, the hostesses told us we need to buy a
bottle to get a table.
Khanya" Mam! Sapha 2 Hennessey bottles"
She lead us to the table
"The way everyone is looking at y'all we are not paying for these
drinks"
Sange and I just laughed it off, then ordered food for us. The
vibe was crazy, we were all dancing, guys kept on coming to our
table. We paid them no attention to them, like Khanya
predicted, this guy paid for our bill yet he still didn't get Sange's
number. Then tried to make small talk with me, but the dj
dropped Khanya and I's song so I had to go dance.
Khanya" Don't look but Yanga just walked in"
I carried on dancing, goofing around because it's not really
something I do well. Sange also noticed Yanga, he walked pass
Khanya and I then went to hug Sange. They were making small
talk, we walked back to the table.
Yanga" Ekse"
He hugged Khanya then looked at me
"Hey"
I gave him a head nod
Yanga" Can we join y'all?"
"Every table is packed"
Khanya and I looked around, just to verify this. Yanga always has
a table waiting for him, but he was actually telling the truth.
Sange" Yea, it's just us anyway"
He waved to his friends, they greeted, and sat down. They were
with two other girls. They sat down without even greeting us,
while Yanga's friends were so happy to see us. I loved how they
didn't care about Khanya's sexuality, that's the other thing that
made my attempt at dating fail. I hate homophobic men.
Yanga" I watched you in court last week, congratulations on
your win"
He was speaking to Khanya.
Khanya" I thought that was you"
"Thanks by the way, it was my first case. We are celebrating
lonto"
They congratulated him.
Ongama" We need champagne, asoze kaloku iphelele apho"
They ordered champagne and when the bottles came, I asked
for sparkling water.
Me" Ndiyeza"
I went outside, I started chatting to the guy I who has been
looking at me.
"Uhamba nini?"
He asked
Me" When should we leave?"
He laughed then I went in for a kiss
"I need to settle my bill, then I'll come find you"
I kissed him again
Me" I'll go tell my friends"
I went back to my friends.
"Ndiya hamba"
Sange had a huge grin on her face, I noticed Ongama looking at
Yanga.
Sange" T for tense"
I just ignored her but I really wanted to laugh.
Khanya" take a photo of the number plate"
Me" I will"
Yanga was looking at us, I looked at him and laughed. Then
looked back at my friends and said;
"He will come get me apha"
I drank more of my water, he finally came to us. And greeted
everyone then introduced himself, my friends were giggling at
how awkward this was.
Me" You sure you don't need the keys?"
Sange" Nope, will tell you when I get to my hoestination"
Me" Hahaha stop this"
"Goodnight"
I hugged them, then took my bag. He took my hand then led me
outside.
"I'm parked at White tiger, will bring the car around then we
can go"
We kissed then he left.
"Harder please!"
"Yes!"
I closed my eyes and let the pleasure consume me.
"You are mine!"
He said, he was such a caveman and right at this moment I
didn't mind.
"I don't want to share you!"
He fucked me harder and I screamed from all the pleasure.
Me" Mmmm"
He knew my body, he knew what I needed before I even told
him. What to do with me and how to do it. I got on top and he
sat up. He tried to speak and I kissed him.
Me" Shhhhh"
He buried his head on my breasts. I took control and drove him
crazy, he looked up and we kissed.
"I belong to you!"
Those words, us switching positions, he fucked me like I was his
last supper then we went to take a shower together. He gave
me his t-shirt.
Me" I should go"
"This was fun, but I don't think it was a good idea"
He looked confused at first the defeated, I honestly shouldn't be
here. This isn't me, okay it's too late for me to say that.
"Stay the night"
He said
Me" No"
"Shouldn't you be with the kids anyway?"
He laughed
Yanga" Now you ask me that"
I laughed too
Me" You were doing things to me, I wasn't going to bring the
kids up during sex"
Yanga" My mother took them, she said she was bored"
Me" And your girlfriend?"
Yanga" You care?"
"Because an hour ago, you didn't"
Me" An hour ago, you were telling me you belong to me"
Yanga" And I meant it"
"You were going to let another guy see you naked?"
I shrugged then raised my eyebrows
Me" You do know I've slept with other men"
Yanga" I know"
Me" So tonight wasn't going to be any different"
"Until you made me go with you!"
I was waiting for the guy to bring his car around, while outside,
Yanga said I should wait with him. We went into his car, then he
said " Uzohamba nala kaka?" He kissed me then he took me to
his place and he we are. I'm that easy.
Yanga" Ubufuna undenza weak in front of my friends"
Me" My life isn't about you"
Yanga" Yet you made the guy fetch you where I was"
Me" I got there first"
Yanga" You could have been discreet about your booty call but
you paraded him so I can see"
Me" My life doesn't revolve around you"
Yanga" Okay"
"I love you mna"
Me" You have a girlfriend!"
"And you are cheating on her with me!"
Yanga" You dumped me!"
"You took my daughter away from me"
Me" You killed my mother!"
"Your friend almost killed my daughter!. You are not a victim"
Yanga" Do you feel better when you lie to yourself to make me a
monster? Because I know deep down inside you know what I
told you is true. And you want to vilify me, that's okay, I'll take
the blame but I hope you heal at some point"
Me" I've healed"
Yanga" You haven't, because if you healed then you would have
forgiven me for my part and forgiven Lona for what she did"
"We all played a role"
Me" What role did Qhama and I play?"
Yanga" Your mother did something wrong Yazini! Qhama's
father killed her, and you know what, his sister took the money.
You know how you never knew about it? They knew and they
took it and left you to fend for yourselves. I am the villain in this
story but Qhama's Aunt is not innocent. They all knew yet they
watched you struggle with your brother. Nathan killed because
he was hurt and his daughter went through a traumatic
experience. I helped my friends because I had the means. You
kept your mother's identity from everyone even though you
knew who Lona was. We all played our roles"
"I know you are hurting but baby, you need to take a break and
look around you. Life is busy happening while you are holding
on to things. You are junior broker and Qhama is a prefect at
Curro, you did all of that! You made a bad situation good. You
don't have to hold on to that chapter, you succeeded without
any handouts. You did that for you and your brother. Then you
had a beautiful baby girl, who worships you. You did that! Close
the bad chapter and live your life without carrying burdens that
don't belong to you"
I didn't have an answer to any of the things he said. All I could
do was switch off the light and go to bed.
Yanga" I love you"
Me" You have a girlfriend. Khalale"
He pulled me closer then kissed my shoulder
Yanga" I missed sleeping next to you"
Me" Yea, me too"
Following day I tried to sneak out but he was already awake.
Yanga" Wow"
I bit my bottom lip
"I feel used"
I laughed because he really looked sad
Me" I have to go, Sange doesn't have a key"
Yanga" I'll drop you off"
Me" I can take an uber"
Yanga" I am offering, I still have to go fetch the kids anyway. I
don't mind"
Me" Nope, I don't want to complicate things"
Yanga" We complicated things five times yesterday, I think it's a
bit too late for that"
Me" I was there, you don't need to remind me"
Yanga" You are acting like yesterday didn't happen"
"Masambe Yazini"
Me" I know it happened, we are talking and my lady parts are a
reminder of what we did"
He got up then went to his closet and came back with dressed.
Yanga" Masambe"
I wore my shoes and he looked at me
"You've changed"
Me" Njani?"
Yanga" You are more confident, kudala I would have had to
force you to go out looking like that. And now, you know that
you have the body and you not afraid to show it off"
Me" I grew up"
Yanga" I know"
"You wanna drive?"
He tossed me the keys to his car
Me" Nope, I don't trust myself"
Yanga" Okay fine"
I gave him back his keys, I texted Sange and she replied; "Still
within cuddles, let's all go out for supper, texted Khanya. Let
Yanga keep the kids"
I showed Yanga the text
Yanga" Okay, let's go fetch their things"
Me" Nope! That's how I moved in with you last time"
We both laughed
Yanga" Awuzithembanga?
Me" Khandiyeke"
Yanga" You didn't say that last night"
Me" So you will remind me all the time?"
Yanga" Basically, until you're mine again, with a wedding ring on
your finger and another baby in there"
Me" Hahaha delusional, take me to the chemist kuqala"
Chapter 14
Khanya" Sana!"
Me" I thank God for Yanga's mother for making this possible for
me"
We were at Cubana in Greenpoint trying to catch our breath.
Wait, I feel like I've skipped a few important details; Yanga and I
are not back together, he is still with Zoe, Solly for some odd
reason invited me to her charity gala and who am I to pass up
an opportunity to dress up. It was a long weekend, so I
convinced Khanya to tag along. Yanga's mother took Qhama
and Hlalumi because he was also coming to the gala. Khanya
and I flew out before Yanga, we had sex 3 months ago and I still
can't be in the same room as him. We told Sange we will be in
Cape Town and I needed a dress, we arrived Thursday night, she
took us out for supper and we somehow ended up in
Khayelitsha, this morning she went to work then she returned,
she told us to dress up and here were are. Having the time of
our lives trying to see if we still have a pulse.
Sange" Don't tell me you guys are tired"
Khanya" This isn't normal"
Sange" This is nothing"
We went back inside, someone pulled my arm and I turned
around to look.
Me" Hey"
I recognized him but wasn't sure from where.
"Andrew"
I laughed
Me" Arg, sorry man"
He gave me a hug then greeted my friends.
Andrew" That's Viwe, Thabang and Nathaniel"
Me" Khanya and Sange"
I knew them and this was a bit awkward, I think Sange could
sense it.
Sange" We are trying to get stupid drunk"
Andrew" With Hennessey? I'll be right back"
He came back with a bottle of Vodka and two waitresses
following him with 14 jager bombs and 14 tequila shots.
Andrew" To getting stupid drunk"
Have you ever had so much much that you were starting to
doubt if something was actually happening?. That was me right
now
Me" Pinch me"
I whispered to Khanya
Khanya" Senxile"
We both laughed, I don't know whose idea it was for us to take
the party to Nathan's house. But we left, I usually hate drinking
and driving but Thabang prayed for all of us and for some stupid
reason we believed it was enough. It must have been because
we got to Nathan's house and the party carried on. They took
out champagne.
Khanya" We need to make a toast"
Sange got on top of the table and popped the bottle
Sange" To being Young and Black!"
Andrew" Woah, what about us?"
We all laughed
Viwe" To being our ancestors wildest dreams"
I honestly don't remember when I passed out, but I hated what
I was doing right now. My head in the toilet, Khanya throwing
up in the sink.
Me" Ndibuyekile"
Khanya" Same"
I threw up and he followed, the bathroom door opened and
Thabang gave us two bottles of water.
Thabang" Amateurs"
Khanya" I can't even deny that"
We drank the water, then sat on the cold tile.
Me" Uphi uSange"
Khanya" I know I am a bad friend but andimazi"
The bathroom door opened, and Sange entered.
Me" Velaphi?"
Sange" I was having sex. It cured my hangover, do with that
what you want"
I laughed
Khanya" With who?"
Sange" Andrew"
"The others are married"
Me" I want to judge you but I have a headache"
Sange" Get up, Thabang is making breakfast for everyone"
Khanya" Ndinga phalala apha mna"
Me" Same"
We went to join the others, I didn't even recognize the other
girls nor did I even know they were there. We all ate, Khanya
and I laughed at our instagram stories.
Thabang" I have to go, but this was fun"
Khanya" Fun for who? Because we are suffering thina"
Andrew laughed
Andrew" This is nothing, we have done far worse"
Sange" So tonight?"
Me" I can't, remember I have the gala dinner thing"
Viwe looked at me
"I guess Andrew is the only one who recognised me"
Andrew" She is Yanga's wife"
Me" We were never married, we just have a child together"
Thabang" Nah, you look different"
Me" I was 22 when I met y'all and that was 3 years ago. I guess I
grew up"
I expected them to turn on me, but nothing. Instead Andrew
looked at Sange then asked
"Would you like to by my date for tonight?"
Sange" I don't think I have a dress, I'll text you"
Andrew" You can always buy one"
Thabang requested an uber for the other girls then it was just
the 7 of us. It was just chilled, Sange and Andrew were being
inappropriate but no one really paid attention to them.
Viwe" This was fun, I however have to go before Solly kills me"
Thabang" I know I am dead"
Nathan" I can't relate"
Khanya" I thought you were also married"
Nathan" I am, but my wife lands at half 2, you will all be gone by
then"
"I just have to fetch her"
Khanya and I laughed
Sange" It's 3 o'clock wena perfect husband"
We laughed when he jumped out of his chair.
Viwe" Samantha will kill him"
"Am I dropping anyone off?"
We all looked at Sange and Andrew
Andrew" I came here with my car, Sange and I are going dress
shopping"
Me" Where are your car keys?"
Sange" My bag"
After mess of that happened yesterday and this morning, I
thought Sange would fail at styling me and getting me ready for
the gala. I was wrong.
Sange" I didn't think I can create more magic but I was wrong"
"When Yanga sees you, uzoshiya nalo Zoe"
I looked amazing, the detail made a simple black mermaid dress
look so amazing, it hugged me in all the right places.
Khanya" Don't style your hair, the wet hair look just makes
everything come to life"
Sange" Red lipstick"
She was wearing a red ballerina dress, and Khanya was in a
black tux.
Me" Are you ready?"
Sange" Andrew is picking me up"
Khanya" Ndikwazi unjalo"
We took her car, it was already packed. We went inside, and
went straight to the bar.
Khanya" Yanga and his Mrs just entered"
Me" Phuma apho"
Khanya" What is she wearing kodwa Yesu"
I giggled, not because I saw what she was wearing but how
Khanya said it.
Me" Khayeke, lets go mingle"
We walked around and bumped into Solly, she was standing
with Bahle and Lona.
Solly" Can I have a word?"
She looked upset, and I was a bit confused but I let her have the
floor.
"I don't appreciate what happened yesterday and this morning.
I thought you and I were friends"
Both Khanya and I looked confused
Me" What happened?"
Bahle" We saw your instagram stories"
Me" Yea but what about them?"
Solly" I just don't appreciate you and your friends hanging out
with married men"
Khanya" Hay yi tsomi! Surely libali ku Mhlobo Wenene"
I couldn't help but laugh, like this was so stupid.
Me" I don't know what you think you saw but we were at
Cubana, they arrived kudala sipha. They joined us, we went to
Nathan's house and that's where it ends. What I did with your
husband was to have alcohol and it was their idea because they
found us there, going to Nathan's house was their idea. So I
don't know what you think happened but it didn't"
Khanya" This is tacky and I don't think it's fair, you could have
easily called Yaya like you did when you invited her. You didn't
have to wait for her to get here so you can interrogate her"
He looked at me
"Who is her husband?"
Me" Viwe"
Khanya" Ugqirha? Tshomi rest assured you are the only one
who attends classes in that heart. Oko sitya wena and your son
Nathi, I thought uzothi ngu Andrew, bendisathi umkile lowo,
ngoka Sange. Mncame"
She smiled
Me" Are you done?"
Lona" You don't have to be rude"
Me" Hay ke wena, andisoze tuuu! You are not worth my time"
Khanya" Sana! Uchuku ingathi yi matric dance"
"After this, we are repeating yesterday. Y'all can join us, I'm sure
your spouses won't mind"
Me" Lona doesn't have a spouse, just child support checks and
anger issues from a failed marriage"
I looked at her and smiled
"And a failed attempt at seducing Yanga. Sana! Akhonto
ilungayo ne?"
Before she could answer, Khanya and I left them standing there.
When we were far enough we both laughed.
Khanya" Asoze ulingene izulu"
Me" They thought they would drag us. Tsi"
After the gala Andrew invited us to his house for an after party,
we went to Sange's place to change then took an uber because
we wanted to get drunk in peace. We were playing beer pong
with the guys, Bahle came to join us while Solly, Lona and Zoe
sat together. It was strange that Solly was suddenly that girl but
I didn't really care.
Khanya" Yanga, you are drooling"
We laughed because he actually wiped his mouth. Wearing
these shorts was Sange's idea, they are not called Bum shorts
nje sana.
Yanga"Hahaha everyone else is staring too"
Thabang" No, we are not"
Bahle" I stared, she has a cute butt"
Samantha, Nathan's wife spanked me and they all laughed.
Me" You guys are making me uncomfortable"
Sange" Wait, we are losing track, Thabang and Nathan are
suppose to be twerking for us"
They lost, the losses had to twerk.
Khanya" I'll supply the music"
He played Rihanna's pour it up.
Thabang" Babe, I need some motivation"
" And no one is allowed to record this!"
We were laughing at their twerk game, the whole night was
really goofy and chilled. I went to the bathroom and bumped
into Nathan in the passenge.
Nathan" Would you like to see her?"
I knew who he was referring to, and I was surprised.
Me" Yes, I don't think Lona would like that"
He smiled
Nathan" Well, thank God she has two parents"
"She used to ask about you and your little brother. I know she
still remembers you"
Me" I'd love to see her"
Nathan" Tomorrow before you leave. I'll just text you my
address"
My phone vibrated, I know I am suppose to be sleeping but I
was nervous about meeting Claire that I couldn't fall asleep.
"Hey, I'm outside"
It was from Yanga, I need to smack my friends for telling him
sihleliphi. I replied
"Why?"
I saw he was typing, then there was a knock.
"Open up"
I got up and went to the door, he was standing there with a
smile on his face.
Yanga" Can I come in?"
Me" I'm sure you know ndihleli ndedwa"
Yanga" Hahaha I know about Sange, where is Khanya?"
Me" Nathan's wife stole him from me"
"It's hard not to love Khanya"
Yanga" I heard you and him attacked Lona"
I laughed
Me" Do you honestly believe that?"
Yanga" No, but you brought up me rejecting her in front of
everyone. That wasn't cool"
Me" You are here to defend her?"
Yanga" I am here to see you and to also tell you akho need to
always have a cat fight. You guys are younger than them, and I
also saw the videos, if someone was twerking for my husband I
would have been pissed off"
"You were twerking for Viwe and Solly was bound to be
offended because she thought you two were friends."
Me" I wasn't twerking for Viwe! He wasn't even paying
attention because he and Nathan were debating with Khanya.
Had you analyzed those videos, you would have seen all the
guys were not flirting with us. We were all just having innocent
fun, I thought you knew us better than that. You and your
friends have went out with us"
"Solly was trying to bully me because they are taking Zoe' side.
And akho need because I don't want you, I don't get why your
girlfriend feels the need to send out her friends to attack my
character"
Yanga" Zoe wasn't there"
Me" She was at the after party, none of them participated in
anything. Bahle was the one who was kind towards us, I won't
apologize for having fun"
"I will not apologize"
Yanga" Okay, I don't want to fight with you"
Me" Then why are you here?"
"Where is your girlfriend? You want them bully me again?"
Yanga" I just wanted to see you"
Me" Why?"
"You claim to want me back but you are still with Zoe"
Yanga" I broke up with Zoe, I cheated on her with you. It was
only fair that I let her go"
Me" She was your date"
Yanga" No she wasn't, we bumped into each other outside and
we walked in together"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Why are we not back together? I am trying but you just
keep pushing me away"
Me" Because I don't know how to go back to where we left
things"
Yanga" Why should we go back?"
"Why can't we start over?"
Me" I don't see how we start over, we have a child together and
too much has been said"
" You hurt me"
Yanga" And you hurt me too"
" We were bound to fuck up, no one is perfect Yazini. But I also
can't chase you forever because the only reason we are not
dating is because you fear the unknown"
Me" My father died of Alzheimer's disease"
Yanga" I know"
Me" And I went to get a genome mapping, I needed to knock if I
will get it too"
"I am scared of forgetting everything before I actually live my
life. I love you but I am only 25 years old and I am scared that
my life will be over before I start living it"
Yanga" Did you get the results"
I nodded
Me" Just haven't opened them"
Yanga" So you are scared of the unknown"
Me" I know, and you don't get it. I watched my father lose
himself to that disease, I need to make Qhama happy, I need to
Hlalumi to remember me differently. I want to love you, I want
to be happy but I can't do all those things at once"
Yanga" It's okay to be happy!"
"You will get this thing, fine but do you really want to go
through everything alone?"
Me" You are missing the point!"
Yanga" What is the point? Because it seems like you also don't
know"
Me" I want you to be with someone who won't have a deadly
disease! You deserve someone who will grow old with you! A
mother for Hlalumi, someone who will also accept Qhama."
"She is almost 3 and I am not ready to lose myself. I need more
time with her, I can't focus on us right now. Qhama still needs
me! I can't focus on us!"
He hugged me, and I started crying. I hate that I cry a lot now.
Yanga" I love you, yonke lento uyithethayo. Ndifuna wena mna,
so when you start forgetting I will constantly remind you"
"Is this why you have all these journals?"
I nodded
Me" They not for you to read"
He laughed
Yanga" Can you just take me back, so I can love you properly?"
Chapter 15
The most useless item is always the most useful. Hahaha I need
to rephrase that and avoid sounding like an idiot. You know how
when you've just bought new sneakers and you throw away the
box because it's served it's purpose. Then you realize that you
might still need that box to put your sneakers back in because
the box will keep them safe?. That's how people are, they throw
you away when they don't need you anymore, but then
remember you when they need something from you. Okay bad
analogy but this all made sense in my head.
Yanga" Will be you be safe?"
Me" I grew up here"
Yanga" Yea, I know that but you don't drive"
Me" I will be okay"
"I need to face my fears"
Yanga" Okay"
He gave me his keys
"Just be safe"
Me" I'll be fine"
I have never visited my mother's grave, the last time I went was
on her funeral. I needed to visit my parents, I needed to do this
alone. I started at the shops to get cleaning equipment, I was
oddly calm. I don't know why today but it just felt like the right
thing to do. I started with my father, the tombstone was broken.
I wonder why do people vandalize everything, I swept the
whole thing and put fresh flowers.
Me" I spent my whole life scared, I think it works for me. I think
if I admit that I actually feel empty then everyone will
misunderstand and somehow want to rescue me. When you
passed away, a part me of died, then Gran passed away and I
went to stay with Mama. I don't know if watching you both die
took away my hunger to live but something shifted or went
away, I can't seem to get it back. Maybe I watched you go in and
out of reality like you were trapped in some maze, and the only
thing I felt was relief when you died. That would make sense, it
would make sense but then I feel evil. I am stuck in this dark
hole, I sometimes think when you died, I died too. I know I have
it, I wake up every morning and quiz myself and I write down
everything. You didn't want this for me, I guess it wasn't really
up to you. I am okay though, I found happiness, I finally found
my voice again. I cry now, I laugh, I dance and I have friends. I
decided to stop living in the darkness and just creep out of the
hole. I feared so much but I realized, my biggest fear is not
being remembered. I am so scared of dying alone. Scared of
being thrown in some home and have strangers take care of
me. Pain is all I have ever known Dad and I am trying to rewrite
the story"
"I spent so much time in the shadows, and now I don't even
have a lot of time left. I miss you so much, I miss you everyday, I
know it's selfish of me but I can't forgive God for taking you
away. You were the only real parent and he took you away. I
have a brother, Qhama, and I knew I would live him behind and
I didn't want that. So I had a baby, Hlalumi. They will have each
other when I get sick. See? I am breaking the chain of The
inheritance?. I miss you. I can't wait to see you. Tell Khulu I
finally learned how to bake like her, took me a while but I did
that. I miss you so much, everyday"

My mother wasn't that far from him, which was strange

coincidence. I started cleaning, I burned incense and impepho.
Me" I am sorry, I feel like I have blamed you for so much that I
never stopped to imagine how things were for you. Maybe
because I grew up with my father around most of the time, and
his side of the family was more functional. Maybe you did that
on purpose because you knew I deserved better, I don't know
but if I want to forgive you that has to be the narrative. I am so
angry at you, I spent so much time being so angry that life
passed me by. I can't anymore Mama, I can't carry burdens that
don't belong to me. I can't.... yhoo.. I am tired of being angry....
some days I don't even know why I am angry... I am sorry... For
being the unwanted daughter, sorry that you had us and you
couldn't pursue your dreams, I am sorry that you had two
mouths to feed and you felt like crime was your only solution. I
am sorry for judging you. It's easier to judge when you are on
the other side of the fence. I met Claire today and she was so
excited to see me, she knew about the kidnapping but she still
didn't care. I was a memory from a happy time in her life,
strange isn't? Claire fely safe with you, so maybe you must have
done something right. Qhama is okay, actually more than okay.
He is in grade 8 now, he is such a happy child. I have always
been so scared of damaging him, I guess I did something good
there. He used to ask about you and his father, he barely does
now. I am probably responsible for that, I hated you so much
that in our home you were equivalent to a swear word, I hated
your mother so much for treating Qhama and I like trash. She
still has the audacity to ask me for money"
I wiped my tears
"I will speak more about you, I will tell my daughter about you.
But the you that I knew before you met him, the mother that I
knew. I want to die knowing that I have closed this chapter of
my life, I want you to rest knowing that we all forgive you. I
don't think I will ever come back here again, Qhama might, I will
try to make sure he does. I am sorry, and I also forgive you"
The next few days really happened in a blink of an eye. Life was
back to normal. Work was a pain in my behind, but I was
enjoying it. Qhama was enjoying school and Hlalumi acted like
preschool was the best thing in this entire universe. We were all
happy to say the least.
Lunje" Yaya, utaka Hlalumi ulapha"
Me" Hahaha uthe ndikhona?"
Lunje" Uyamazi uQhama"
Me" Akadiki"
"Ndiyeza"
He was playing with his daughter when I walked in.
Me" Hey"
Yanga" Where is Qhama?"
Me" Debating, he takes a bus, he should be here a little after
six"
Yanga" Oh, why don't you fetch him?"
Me" Probably because I don't have a car"
"Are you here to question my parenting skills?"
Yanga" No, I'm actually here to see you"
"You said you don't know how we go back to us"
Me" And?"
Yanga" Wait"
He went outside and came back with boxes.
"We start but moving you back home, have our family under
one roof. Before that we need to pack everything up"
I laughed because I didn't expect this.
Me" Are you being serious?"
Yanga" Ngawe? I have been serious about you since the day I
met you"
" I love you Yazini, your inheritance doesn't scare men. It's just
another reason for me to spoil you and our family"
Me" I am in love with you"
Yanga" Then marry me, we can do this, I know you are scared
but I am not sure why anymore"
Me" I am scared that I will forget you"
Yanga" I will spend everyday reminding you, next excuse?"
Me" I have seen what it does to people and it won't be easy"
Yanga" If I was looking for easy then I would have settled for
dating someone my age. I am chasing forty years, I what to
grow old with you by my side"
"Come home with me and let me love you the way you deserve
to be loved"
Me" Fine"
Yanga" Fine?"
Me" Let's get married"
Chapter 16
I looked around and everyone was on their feet, I looked at
their facial expressions. As I walked down the aisle with Qhama,
and I looked up and there he was. He was actually crying, I
smiled at him.
" I love you"
He murmured, I knew that this is the best decision I have ever
made for myself. I met Yanga when I was 20, I had a lot of firsts
with him, I always imagine what would have happened if I never
bumped into him after the night he took me home. Who I
would have been if I never gave him a chance. Loving him has
given me so many opportunities to open up and explore. He has
given me a lot of room to grow and become the woman I never
thought I could be. I delayed so much because I didn't have help
and he came into my life, helped me carry all these burdens. I
always imagine my life as a movie, this part would be the climax
and there has to be a song that will define everything that's
happening. A montage, I think Natalie Taylor's Surrender would
be the perfect song.
"You may now kiss the bride"
That's me, I am the bride. Yanga and I did it, I watched everyone
dance and laugh. It felt like those moments in the movies, were
everything is being fast forwarded or captured in slow motion
and the music played, only the moments that led up to this
were being captured.
"I love you"
He murmured from across the room, I smiled at him. I couldn't
imagine being married to anyone else but him.
Khanye" Who are all these people?"
I laughed
Me" Yanga's friends and people who invited themselves"
"Today has been so perfect"
Khanya" I am so happy for you"
"I don't know anyone who deserves happiness more than you"
Me" Thank you for always being there"
Khanya" Always"
Me" I'll be right back"
I walked to Yanga, he was standing with Ongama.
Me" Dance with me"
We slow danced with Ed Sheeran's Perfect playing, I didn't want
this moment to end, I wanted to be in his arms and just have
him hold me tight.
Yanga" Mrs Baliso"
I giggled
Me" I like the sound of that"
Yanga" So you mine forever"
Me" Yep, you're stuck with me"
He kissed my forehead then pulled me in again.
Yanga" I am lucky"
Me" So am I"
"Promise me something"
Yanga" What?"
Me" Don't let me forget you"
"I never want to forget you"
The weeks that followed after the wedding were interesting, it
felt like we were sort of racing against time.
Me" Happppppy Birthday QhamQham"
Hlalumi, Yanga and I decided to sing for him.
"You have to share this cake with us"
Qhama" Hahaha you should have bought two"
"You know I love chocolate cake"
He gave me a hug.
Me" Guess what?"
Qhama" You bought me new sneakers?"
We all laughed
Me" Something better, you and I are celebrating your birthday
together. Just the two of us"
"Just like old times"
Qhama" Serious?"
Me" I suggest you go take a bath, so we can get started"
Hlalumi" Mna?"
Me" Utheni?"
Hlalumi" Ndashiyeke?"
Me" Yea, bond with your father"
"And your siblings"
I said pointing at the dogs and Yanga laughed
Yanga" That's mean"
I kissed her cheek
Me" Mommy will take you out soon"
"' But today you don't matter"
I ran upstairs to take a shower, finished with that then did my
make up. I wore black leggings, an oversized black t-shirt and
Yeezy wave runner sneakers.
Yanga" How do you manage to look so ravishing without even
trying?"
He was standing at the door with a huge smile on his face.
Me" You are in love with me, so biased opinion"
" And thank you"
Yanga" Are you driving?"
Me" Yea, I think I will be fine"
Yanga" You will be fine"
Driving scares me, I sometimes think I am not over the
hijacking.
Me" What will you and your children do all day?"
We both laughed
Yanga" Hahaha we will take my sons to the dog spa then my
daughter and I will go on a Daddy and Daughter date"
Me" I think she will appreciate that"
"Should I take out clothes for her?"
Yanga" Hay usile"
I laughed
Me" I was trying to help"
Yanga" Hamba Yazini before I take you on that bed and show
you how disappointed I am with that punishment"
Me" You could"
Yanga" Hahaha hamba!"
Qhama and I finally left, we started at Gravity. He used to love
this place, we jumped and had milkshakes afterwards, then
went to the Glow in the dark place to play put put golf. We took
pictures and played another 18 holes.
Me" Still having fun?"
Qhama" Yaya, I wouldn't have minded if you invited everyone"
Me" I do, you and I haven't done anything together in a while. I
never want you to think you are less important because I had a
child and got married"
"You will always be my family"
He gave me a hug
Me" Next stop"
"I hope you are hungry"
Qhama" I am starving"
In the car I played some Yanga, we both know Tatakho word for
word. So we had fun doing that together, it was the little
moments, I needed him to never forget that he is my person.
Qhama" Whaaaaaaaaat!"
That was his reaction when we entered New Brighton, we drove
pass our old place. We both laughed, finding parking at KK
(tshisa nyama) on a Saturday is a nightmare. So we parked at
the post office and decided we will walk the rest of the way.
Qhama" This day can't get any better"
Me" Are you sure? You haven't seen your gift"
We bumped into people who know me through Yanga, made
small talk then finally went inside. We bought our things then
decided to go outside while we wait for our food.
Qhama" Should we go visit Granny?"
Me" You want to visit her?"
He nodded
Qhama" We haven't seen her in a while and she is our Gran"
I rolled my eyes, but I didn't argue, we walked back to the car.
Qhama" She will be happy to see us"
Me" Okay Boy"
She was literally a 5 mins away from where we were. The door
was opened, Qhama knocked and this old guy peeped.
"Thunzi"
He said, that's her name.
Qhama" You think she has a boyfriend?"
I laughed
Me" Looks like it"
We went to the back, she was seated there with her friends
drinking.
Gran" Tshini! Naba abantwana baka Zama"
She got up to give us a hug, I wondered did she ever feel guilty
for making me take of Qhama without her helping. I can't
imagine myself doing that to Hlalumi, I can't imagine never
loving my daughter's children.
Qhama" We thought we should visit"
Gran" Nindiphatele ntoni?"
"Asoze ndisuke ngapha empty handed"
I kid you not! That's what she said, I couldn't miss the
disappointment in Qhama's face.
Me" It's Qhama's birthday"
She pulled him close and gave him a hug.
Gran" Happy birthday Qhama. Umdala ngoku"
She looked at my finger
"Watshata?"
Yea, I didn't invite her.
Me" Two months ago"
Gran" Noba une mali, ndini bona ngovaseka"
"I wonder unyoko waxakwa yintoni ufuna indoda ene mali
kwela Kapa
I looked at my little brother, his face was filled with regret.
That's the thing with children, they never remember the hard
times. At least he discovered all on his own that she doesn't
care about us.
Me" I think we should go"
"I left my bag in my car, you can come fetch it"
Qhama walked in front of me, he wore his seatbelt and started
typing on his phone. I gave her 350rand, then we left.
Qhama" Now I get it"
Me" We don't need her"
"We have each other and that's all that matters"
Qhama" I just thought...since Yanga's mother loves me and she
always says I am her grandson, I thought she would be the
same"
"I guess I was wrong"
Me" It's okay to be wrong, don't beat yourself up about it"
"Enough about her"
Qhama" You're right, we have a whole lot of meat waiting for
us"
Me" Let's go eat!"
We got home a little after 8 pm, Yanga and Hlalumi we watching
a movie.
Me" We are back"
Hlalumi" Shhhh Mommy"
Qhama and I laughed at her, then went to his room. I wanted to
give him his gift.
Me" I know you don't have a lot of memories when it comes to
Mama, and I found this photo at Grans house when we lived
there. I took it because I didn't think she deserved it"
I gave his a photo frame, in it there is a photo of Mama and us.
It was Qhama's first birthday and we all looked so happy.
"She loved you Qhama, I know you didn't get to spend a lot of
time with her. So this is just something for you to remember her
by"
He gave me a hug, and I bit my bottom lip trying to stop myself
from crying.
Me" One more gift then we are done"
I handed him a box.
"Open it"
He unwrapped it and he had this huge smile when he saw it was
a Nike box.
Me" Air force 1 retro"
"Don't you ever say I never buy you cool sneakers again"
He jumped to give me a hug
Qhama" Thank you Yaya"
Me" Happy Birthday lil Bro"
Qhama" The best birthday ever"
"Thank you for always taking care of me"
Me" I will always take care of you. Always"
Qhama" I love you "
We hugged
Me" Never forget to remind me how much you love me"
Qhama" I will never forget"
Chapter 17
"Who is picking me up?"
Sange doesn't bother saying 'hello' we always assumed she
never has enough airtime. I doubt that's the case now, she is
just rude.
Me" I am, what time are you getting here?"
Sange" Well, Andrew has two consultations and then I have to
style a photo shoot. But we should be there before five or a
little after"
I love their love story, they met that Friday, and Tuesday she
moved in with him and the following week they got married.
She said they didn't see the point in waiting, they have been
inseparable since then and it's beautiful to watch. Yanga and
Khanya made a bet that it would be over after a few months,
they were both wrong.
Me" I have a meeting at three, should be done by five"
Sange" Should we hire a car?"
Me" Nope, Yanga said you can use his car"
"I have to go but I can't wait to see you"
Sange" Same here, I'll see you later"
Me" Okay, I love you"
Sange" I love you too babe"
We both hang up and Hlalumi was staring at me.
Me" Shouldn't you be at day care?"
Yanga" Babe, do you even read the emails I forwarded you?"
Me" Hahaha all the time"
Yanga" Don't lie"
"Your daughter and her friends have head lice. I washed her
hair and changed the bedding"
Me" Where was I?"
Hlalumi" Snoring"
Yanga laughed, I didn't find it funny tuu. I have two new clients,
I get home tired lately so I just get home and sleep. Wake Yanga
in the a.m. to have sex with me and chat about his day, then we
sleep again.
Me" You didn't tell me"
Yanga" I sorted it out"
"I know work has been hectic for you"
Me" Does Lunje know?"
They both laughed
Hlalumi" She is busy washing her own hair"
I giggled too.
Me" I have to go"
I kissed her forehead
"Behave, I'll see you tomorrow"
Yanga" Masambe"
He took his things and we walked out together.
" Do you have time for breakfast?"
I wanted to say no, but him and I hardly did anything together
lately. He has a big case load and I am trying to build my
portfolio.
Me" Yea, where?"
Yanga" Cobble stone"
Me" Okay babe"
I arrived a little after him, he smiled at me. We ordered coffee
and our breakfast.
Yanga" We should go away together"
"We haven't done anything like that since we got married"
Me" I know, babe remember you use to say "never waste a
Saturday", yet all we do is watch movies with those two and
then sleep"
Yanga" We are not that old"
I laughed
Me" Well, I am not that old wena, oh well"
We both laughed, he reached for my hand.
Yanga" Let's do something this weekend. Mama did say she
misses them anyway"
Me" Lunje uyahamba today, we can have actual sex"
"Loud and sloppy sex babe"
Yanga" Loud? I forgo what that's like"
Me" Tonight!"
"I'll shave yonke"
He raised his eyebrows
Yanga" bald or a fade? Because it's been bushy there"
I roared with laughter then hit his arm.
Me" I'll get a wax"
Yanga" This is love kodwa"
" We are ditching our plans tonight, we are having sex baby.
Mna nawe, like the good old days"
We ate our breakfast, then we both went to work. My day was
hell as I predicted, I drove to the airport at 17:15 and exchanged
pleasantries with Sange and Andrew. Then explain that we are
having sex tonight, we will see everyone tomorrow. They
laughed at me but they understood, I requested an uber after
giving them the car keys. I went to get a wax, afterwards went
home to cook for him then ditched up. He texted that he is
dropping off Hlalumi and Qhama. I went to wear my good
panties. Everything was going to be perfect.

My alarm went off and I jumped up. Yanga was sleeping next to
me.
Me" Yanga"
I punched his arm and he groaned at me but actually woke up.
"It's morning"
Yanga" Okay"
Me" We didn't have loud sex"
Yanga" You were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up"
Me" I wore lace underwear!"
"I waxed! I cooked your favorite things. Why didn't you wake
me up?"
Yanga" Because we can have sex any time, you were tired and I
wasn't about to wake you up"
" Can I sleep?"
Me" Yes babe"
Yanga" I bought something for you, I keft it down stairs"
I ran out of bed, I heard him laughing but I didn't care. I love
gifts. He said "something" kanti he was referring to 3 Louis
Vuitton paper bags, two Gucci and one Chanel paper bags. I
opened everything, it felt like it was Christmas. I ran back
upstairs and he was on the phone. He looked worried, his eyes
were glued on mine.
"I'll tell her. We will be right there"
He ended the call.
Yanga" Babe"
Me" What's wrong?"
Yanga" It's Khanya and Sange"
"Andrew didn't say much, he just wants us to meet him at the
hospital"
Me" You're lying!"
"What did he say!"
He went to my closet then came back with jeans and a hoddie.
"Iza get dressed"
He said, he helped me wear my clothes. He forced me to wear
shoes.
Yanga" Yazini"
Me" What did Andrew say?"
Yanga" Let's go"
The first person I spotted was Khanya's mother and she was
tears. They were all crying.
Andrew" Hey"
I didn't answer him, I just went to Khanya's mother. She
immediately got up when she saw me and I embraced her.
Me" Mama?"
She couldn't say anything, all she did was cry. Two doctors came
out and everyone went to them. I went to Yanga.
Me" What happened to my friends?"
Yanga" They raped Sange, and Khanya got stabbed"
"Sange was pregnant"
Stop.
Listen.
Just stop for a second and listen. Let yourself feel. Let the cold
air kiss your skin. Let the sunlight blind you for a second. Just a
second.
Stop.
*sigh*
I have been running for so long that it feels like I forgot to stop
and enjoy the little moments. The good times that never lasted
long, the dancing between friends and the loud laughter.
Stop. Let yourself feel. Breathe in and let it all out again.
"Yazini"
Close your eyes, hit replay and relive the happy times. Think
back to the moment you met, the fights, the drunken noise,
cheering for each other. Let yourself remember the days when
you sat together and planned a future.
Stop. Focus. Let it all out.
Bite your bottom lip and fight the tears as you think of all the
times you celebrated your achievements. The day he got
admitted as an attorney, the day you passed your RPE exam and
the day you stood at an airport saying Goodbye to one of your
own as she went to New York to follow her dreams.
Let your heart beat like it might come out of your chest.
"I am not okay"
Close your eyes. Let the pain take over. Close your eyes and
pray that tomorrow will be a better day.
Me" Yanga"
He looked at me.
" I want you to kill them"
"Find them and kill them"
I closed my eyes. I waited for the pain to go away. I waited for
the guilt of canceling our plans so I can have sex. I waited for
the pain to takeover. Because if I am being honest, this is my
fault.
Me" I..."
I felt like someone was squeezing my heart.
"I..."
"I.....oh God!"
Then I hit the floor.
Chapter 18
There must be more in life, I need to believe that is more to life
than the pain. I need to believe in the higher power, I need to
go back to believing everything happens for a reason. People
die everyday, bad things keep on happening and I want to
believe that there is a bigger picture. That God has a reason,
that all these tears and all the pain we feel is for a reason. I
need to believe this.
"I have to ask you one more time, are you sure about this?"
Pain changes us, something switches and you see the world
differently. Khanya and Sange, their pain changed me, her
unborn baby changed me, the guilt changed me. The changes
are never loud. They are subtle, you can't even see it
happening. Until you don't recognize the things that made you
who you are. Until the moments that were supposed to take
your breath away turn into a nightmare.
Me" Yes"
I closed my eyes and relived everything. Sange lost her baby,
she has been dealing the trauma the only way she knows how,
she works and pretends it never happened. Khanya moved, he
got discharged and he moved. He hasn't spoken to any of since
then. And I fainted in hospital and they told me I am six weeks
pregnant. I am getting an abortion today. Pain changes a
person. You can try to find your way back but it's not easy. I
don't know how to find my way out of the pain, I don't know
how to get my friends back to where we once were, I can't take
away their pain but what I can do, is not bring another baby to
this world. That I can control, that is within my power.
*
Yanga" Are you okay?"
Me" No"
He pulled me closer and I just couldn't stop crying.
Yanga" This is not your fault"
I really wanted to believe him but I didn't, so much has changed
and I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. I just
want to stop feeling like this, I want to stop feeling.
5 MONTHS LATER
Me" You are turning 40!"
Yanga" I know and were are not going to make a fuss about it"
Me" Oh, yes we are"
Yanga" You are planning a party?"
Me" You only turn 40 once, so yes and we need to have some
positive energy"
Yanga" Izapha"
I went to seat on his lap.
"We can just do something together"
Me" No, you have been taking care of me. Let me do this for
you"
He kissed my cheek
Yanga" You've already sent out the invitations?"
We both giggled
Me" Yes"
"We are doing this!"
His phone vibrated and it was worked.
Yanga" Give me a minute"
Me" It's fine, I need to call Khanya"
Yanga" Uyathetha nani?"
Me" He replied to the party invite and so did Sange. I'm pushing
this but I think he might answer"
Yanga" Babe, let me call Carl back"
I grabbed my phone then went to kitchen, it rang and no
answered the first time, I tried him again and that's when he
actually answered.
Me" Hey, are you busy?"
Khanya" Sort of, just preparing for court"
" Is everything okay?"
Me" Yes, I just wanted to checkup on you"
Khanya" I'm okay, Jabu and I will be there next Saturday"
Me" So you are in Durban full time?"
Khanya" I am not sure, but right now it's what I need"
Me" I get it..... Khanya"
Khanya" Yazini, what happened to Sange and I could have
happened to anyone. PE is dangerous and Central is worse, you
need to stop apologizing for things you can't control"
Me" I had an abortion"
Khanya" When?"
Me" A month after what happened"
Khanya" Does Yanga know?"
Me" Yep, we went together"
Khanya" Sange would have still been happy for you"
"You know that right?"
Me" We don't know that. The timing was off for everyone,
Yanga and I are busy. He made partner"
Khanya" So he doesn't regret anything?"
Me" Nope. How's Sange? Like really?"
Khanya" She is going to therapy, she is okay. She is happy, you
know Sange will never dwell on the bad things"
Me" That's what worries me"
Khanya" Stop worrying about us, we are okay. We are alive"
"That's what matters"
Me" And wine matters"
Khanya" More than anything in this world"
"Babe I have to run, but I am grateful for the call. I'll try and call
you tomorrow"
Me" Okay, I love you"
Khanya" I love you too"
I went outside to check on Hlalumi and Lunje, she had a play
date.
Me" Aren't they hungry?"
Lunje" Tuu Sisi, lomntana womlungu ufuna uhlale manzi qha
and Hlahla ufana nje naye"
"But ndiba jongile"
Me" Lulu, it's Yanga's birthday party next week. Uzoba khona
mos?"
Lunje" Akho ngxaki, are we going to Bhuti's parents house?"
I smiled at her
Me" Qhama and Hlahla, yes but wena I am inviting you to the
party. Bring a friend, in case you get bored"
"But that's if awuna plans"
She gave me a hug
Lunje" Ndiyeza! Plans zam kuzijabulisa"
I shook my head then went back inside. Yanga was making food.
Me" For the kids?"
He nodded
Yanga" They've been in that water for too long"
Me" Lunje says your daughter doesn't want to get out and
Krystal is just as bad"
"I'm sure ufuze wena because I don't swim"
He rolled his eyes
Yanga" Can't"
"You can't swim"
I laughed
Me" una 40 eyona nto"
"Hahahah sex will be filled with complaints about your back
pains"
Yanga" Wow, hahahahaa just wow"
"We will see"
Me" I guess we will have to wait and see"
The logistics for Yanga's party seemed easy at first, his Cape
Town friends said they would take care of their traveling and
accommodation. Which shocked me because who did they
think would, they have more money than Yanga and I
combined. Friday was simple, it was his actual birthday. We
went out for an early supper with his family since his parents
were not going to be at the party. We went to Ginger, I invited
his biological father which I thought was non issue, since he
gets along with his son. I was wrong. Seating arrangements had
to change, the conversation was forced but we all enjoyed our
meal. I apologized to his mother and I told her it was an honest
mistake but she was cool. They took Qhama and Hlalumi with
them. Yanga went to drop off his father, I settled the bill. My
phone ranga and I answered thinking it was work.
"Yaya, ithini into?"
It was Sive, Yanga's friend.
Me" The party is tomorrow"
Sive" No, I mean with the braai"
Me" A braai?"
Sive" You are not having a braai?"
Me" Am I supposed to have a braai?"
He laughed and I was confused because it was a genuine
question.
Sive" Sofika ngo 8 p.m. , I bought a few bottles to add to what
you've bought"
He hung up! My phone went rang again as I was walking to my
car.
"How's the new house? Is the braai going to remain outside or
we will chill indoors?"
It was Solly
Me" What braai?"
Solly" Tonight"
Me" The party is tomorrow"
Solly" I know, but Yanga always has a braai before his parties"
Me" Wait, does everyone think there is a braai tonight?"
Solly" Yes, why do you think we are all here so early?"
Me" I don't know"
"I have to go. What time did you think the braai will start?"
Solly" At 8 p.m. as always"
Me" This is becoming a nightmare"
"I'll see you later"
I drove straight to Millpark because Khanya was there at his
parents house, I called him.
Me" I need your help"
I explained the misunderstanding and he was laughing at me.
Khanya" Let me pack something for later, give me 5"
Me" I'll quickly call Sange"
Khanya" She is here, you're on speaker"
"Siyeza"
Me" Thanks"
I hung up and waited for them. We went straight to Spar for the
meat and snacks.
Sange" Let's go to Tops too"
Me" I can't, I've reached my limit in this card"
Sange" We can handle it"
They really did, we went to my place and cooked. Yanga finally
arrived.
Yanga" What time does the braai start?"
Me" You didn't tell me about any braai!"
Yanga" I thought you knew"
Me" How?"
"They are getting here at 8"
Sange" Start the fire outside before she kills you, we are all fine
here"
Yanga" I'm sorry for whatever it's worth"
*
The party was in full swing, my friends and I were proud of our
work.
Me" Let's go outside"
We took our drinks and food, then went to sit by the pool.
Sange played music on her phone.
Khanya" Please play Parson James_ Waiting Game"
She played and we all kept quiet, we really loved this song. For
different reasons but we all related. Sange took off her shoes
and then got in the water.
Khanya" When you got hijacked, how did you come back from
that?"
Me" I didn't, it took me so long to get comfortable with driving.
Some days I have the nightmares and wake up screaming, and
sometimes I freeze while driving because I see a pedestrian"
"The pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it"
Khanya" I wet the bed for the first weeks, Jabu would clean
after me. I was a basket case, I kept reliving the moment. I kept
on thinking death would have been better. I remember crying
because the pain was too much, then I thought I was okay. Until
I started hearing Sange scream in my dreams, that's when I
knew I wasn't okay. Therapy helped me, Jabu helped. And when
you sent me that invitations, I wasn't going to come. I wasn't
ready to come back. But I was also tired of running"
"I am glad you never stopped trying to get hold of me and
messaging me"
Touch by Sleeping at last was playing, Sange got out of the
water.
Sange" I was angry, not because I was raped but all I could think
was 'i am not even attractive now, my stomach is big' yet that
didn't stop them. I laughed because I got raped just when I
started wearing panties, yet when I didn't, nothing ever
happened. So then I started trying to figure out why do rapists
do it, I went to therapy too but it didn't work for me, Andrew
and I just locked ourselves in the house, we watched Law and
Order SVU. I wondered why my rapists wasn't caught yet they
had the rape kit, I wondered why rape doesn't matter in South
Africe. This never mattered to me before, until it actually
happened to me. They raped me and my baby died, you had an
abortion and Khanya almost died"
"I don't know why us, I don't mind the pain. I am however
thankful to have friends like you guys. Thank you for being my
friends, I know I am not the easiest person to get along with but
I am thankful for you two"
Me" I love you guys"
Sange" I'm going back inside the water. Don't let me drown, I
don't want to feel like this. So don't let me drown because
that's all I want to do right now"
Me" They didn't catch your rapist because I took care of it"
"I took care of it"
Chapter 19
" I enjoyed this weekend, I loved every minute of the party"
We were in bed after everyone was finally gone, Yanga's party
was 3 days long. I don't know how they do it, and I am younger
than them but I don't think I want to go through that again.
Me" Now we look forward to your 50th"
Yanga" Hahahaa, or your 30th"
Me" That's three years from now"
Yanga" We have a lot of planning to do"
"If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?"
Me" That's random"
Yanga" So? Can you just answer me"
Me" I'd want to tour Africa first"
"Then if I still have money left, I would go to Greece and then
Brazil"
Yanga" Where is your passport?"
Me" I don't know, I don't even know why you made me get a
passport"
Yanga" Pack"
Me" Pack?"
Yanga" I have to go fetch the kids, so theu can also pack. We are
going on a holiday"
I moved from his chest so I could look at him.
Me" I work"
Yanga" I know"
"You will work while we travel, technology and internet"
Me" I have to report to HR"
Yanga" Hahaha you have Andrew and Sange as your clients,
trust me, you can pull this off. And I've sorted out that already"
Me" How long have you been planning this?"
Yanga" Before we got married"
"Pack, unless you are planning on shopping in every city"
He got up and wore his sliders.
Yanga" I'll be back"
Me" Are you serious?"
Yanga" Do forty year old men joke around?"
We both laughed
Me" Hahaha how would I know?"
Yanga" Exactly"
"Tick tock baby"
*
He wasn't joking, we started in Cape Town, then Durban,
Mpumalanga and then went to Johannesburg. After that we
went to Swaziland, Botswana and other neighboring countries. I
don't want to lie, when we got to Mozambique I didn't want to
leave and Qhama fell in love with Ghana but Yanga and Hlalumi
loved Zimbabwe more. Lunje thought she found love in
Dominican republic, Yanga and I almost lost our Nanny for a
second there. I didn't blame her, the place is beautiful, the
people were kind but were way too early for the carnival. We
didn't go to every country but I was thankful that we went to
Madagascar because Qhama loved that movie.
Yanga" Did you have fun?"
Me" Are you being serious?"
He kissed me
Yanga" Show me"
We had the best sex after getting used to the discomfort that
comes with having sex at the beach. Movies lied by the way,
ain't nothing cute about having sex at the beach! Nothing.
Yanga" I love you"
Me" I know, and I love you"
"Thank you for this"
Yanga" I would give you the moon if I could"
"Also, we will after to cut back on going to restaurants after
this"
I giggled then gave him a kiss
Me" We will also have to cut back on your Hennessey?"
Yanga" Hahahaha yes, and buying new hair"
Me" Whose going to tell Hlalumi about the budget cuts?
Because your daughter has expensive taste"
Yanga" Hahaha since you gave birth to her, I will let you handle
that"
Me" I'd love to see you tell Qhama that he won't be getting any
new sneakers for a while"
Yanga" How about we have sex in our room them we will figure
out how to deal with the unemployed people later"
Me" I like that idea"
"I also wouldn't mind extending our trip"
Yanga" Hahaha we still need our jobs"
"Let's not push it"
I got this feeling in my stomach, a reminder that I will one day
forget this. Forget him, forget our family. I wasn't ready for that.
"Yazini?"
I snapped out of it and looked at him
Yanga" Are you okay?"
I nodded
Me" I think I have sand in my honey pot"
Yanga" Hahaha this was your idea"
Me" Hey, you didn't object"
"Old age has changed you"
Yanga" Hahaha you are boring"
Me" Yea right"
Yanga" Uzilibele you used to be so shy and now look at you"
Me" And you are responsible for it?"
Yanga" Well, I don't like to take credit"
Me" Hahaha since when?"
Yanga" Woah, when have I ever?"
Me" Always"
Yanga" This marriage hurts"
Me" It hurts me more than it hurts you"
Yanga" Then why are you smiling?"
Me" Because you make me happy, I have absolutely no reason
to be sad or angry. I married you, everyday is filled with
happiness and rainbows"
"Oh, and glitters"
We both laughed because Hlalumi loves Rainbows and glitters.
Me" When you are ready, I'd really like us to try for another
baby. I think we are both ready now"
Yanga" I'd love that, I want a boy"
Me" I don't think it works like that"
Yanga" There are positions, if I hit it right, we are guaranteed a
son"
Me" Maybe we should start practicing"

After our trip Qhama was back to reality, we left before his
December holidays but he was done with exams. Then we
returned after Valentine's, so he had a lot of catching up to do
but he didn't care because we were all still in holiday mode.
Me" Do you need any help?"
Qhama" Nope, I will be fine"
Me" Let me help"
Qhama" I just have maths and English, they really haven't
covered much"
Me" I'm good at Maths"
Qhama" So am I"
"I always ask for help when I get stuck"
Me" Should I take the dogs?"
Qhama" Are you okay?"
Me" Yea"
Qhama" Are you sure?"
I walked towards him then set on the edge of the bed.
Me" Hlalumi will need you and all I ask, is for you to be there for
her. I am not asking you to raise her but I just want you to look
after her"
Qhama" I allways look after her"
Me" I know you do, but Yanga and I are old"
"We won't always be around"
Qhama" Did something happen?"
"Is Bhuti okay?"
Me" Yes, well, not really he is still has heartburn"
We both giggled
Qhama" Don't die"
"Please don't die"
I smiled at him
Me" It's not up to me but I will try my best to stay alive. Until
we are both old and smelly"
Qhama" That's impossible. You'll get old before me"
Me" Hahaha no I won't, you just wait and see"
I wanted to tell him about the Alzheimer's but I just couldn't do
it.
"I'll let you go back to your school work"
Qhama" Goodnight"
Me" Goodnight baby"
Qhama" Way too old to be your baby now"
Me" You'll always be 'baby' to me"
Qhama" Sange would say "Baby the KhaSaYa squad loves you"
hahaha I can't wait to see her traumatized her children"
We both laughed, Qhama was always with us. This was before
Yanga, Sange used to combine our names and tell Qhama we
are rappers.
Me" Hahaha they will have Khanya to guide them on how to
deal with Sange"
Qhama" And you"
I smiled
Me" And me"
"Let me go back to my husband, he is probably suffering in
there"
Yanga was in bed and Hlalumi was watching t.v.
Me" Shouldn't you be sleeping?"
Hlalumi" Was waiting for you"
Me" But I already kissed you and tucked you in"
Hlalumi" I wasn't sleepy when you did it"
Me" Hahaha but Hlahla, why did you let me tuck you in"
Hlalumi" Because I like it when you sing to me"
Me" Are you sleepy now?"
Hlalumi" Nope, we can watch Marsha and the Bear"
Me" But I want to sleep"
Hlalumi" But you still have to sing for me"
Me" Okay, wake me up when you are ready to sleep"
Hlalumi" Mommy"
Me" Hlalumi?"
Hlalumi" Udikiwe"
Yes!!!!!!!!
Me" No, never baby"
She smiled.
Yanga" Goodnight girls"
Me" Your Dad can sleep yena?"
She nodded
Hlalumi" He can't sing"
We watch 3 episodes of Marsha, then watched Peppa Pig
before she started yawning. I picked her up and we went to her
room, I tucked her in again.
Hlalumi" Mommy, sing for me"
Me" Any song?"
She nodded but I knew she wanted the same song. Elton John's
Your song but the Ellie Goulding cover.
"It's a little bit funny, this feelin' inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money, but boy, if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live.
If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelin' show
Oh, I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you.
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world"
She was fast asleep by the time I finished.
Me" I love you Hlala"
I went back to my bedroom and Yanga was still awake.
Yanga" I think she is just acting up because you're pregnant and
you said she will be a big sister"
Me" You said she has to give up her room"
"You made it worse"
Yanga" Hahaha, just come to bed. I want to cuddle my wife"
Chapter 20
"I'm sorry to interrupt but it's time for her bath"
The nurse said, my mother turned around and smiled at her.
She has such a beautiful smile, that's the only thing about her
that never changed throughout the years.
"Does my friend have to leave?"
She was referring to me, I sometimes think I would be used to
her being like this but I can't get myself to get used to this.
Nurse" She will be back later"
She gave me a hug
"Uzobuya?"
Her voice was filled with glee
Me" Yes, I'll bring you some nuggets"
She had a huge grin on her face
"Nugget"
A little part of me wanted to say "Yes that's me" but I knew
better by now. I knew better than thinking she knows who I am,
those days don't come around anymore.
Me" Yes nuggets"
I said with a lump in my throat
"Will you tell me stories about Yanga and Yazini too?"
I fought the tears. Hating myself for not being used to this.
Someone touched my shoulder and I turned around to hide
myself because I didn't want her to see me crying.
Qhama" She will tell you after your bath"
I wiped my tears then went to stand next to my uncle.
Me" Should I play you some music while you bath?"
She nodded, I told the nurse to play her Touch by Sleeping at
last. She and her friends were obsessed with that song.
*
On my way home I stopped at Woolies for some supper. Connor
was already at home.
Me" Hey babe"
I kissed his cheek
Connor" How are you?"
Me" Good, it's just been a long day"
"How was work?"
Connor" Not sure, I wasn't even paying attention"
"How's your mother?"
Me" Same old"
"Tomorrow is my first day at Varsity and both my parents aren't
around for this"
I said and he gave me a hug.
Connor" We are here, your uncle is here"
"You are not alone, your mother is still alive"
I scoffed
Me" She doesn't even know me"
"My mother stopped being herself when I turned 14"
We both sat in silence, I love Connor, our parents were friends.
So it was easy for us to be friends, our age difference never
really mattered because he knew what it's like to lose someone
you love.
Connor" Cry"
"Let it all out. Tomorrow you are moving to res and you'll be like
every other nineteen year old. Act stupid, enjoy the moment"
Me" Are you kicking me out?"
Connor" Yes, life is too short Hlalumi. You are wasting yours, if
we have learned anything from your mother's journals is that
she regrets that she wasted so much time being angry at world
instead of living her life"
"So cry, and make sure you don't stop until you can't breathe.
Cry, you need it"
Connor was right about the crying thing, I know I have been in
Varsity for only three months but I was enjoying every minute
of it. Like now, my favorite thing is going out for lunch with my
friends on a Saturday afternoon because people my age actually
do those things. My phone rang and it was my Uncle Qhama
calling me. It was brief and straight to the point as always. I paid
for my food and ran to my car, and drove to my uncle's house
like I was being chased by the police. I ran to her room and they
were seated in bed together laughing, he had tears in his eyes
but he looked really happy.
"Hlamuli?"
She said and I nodded, she remembers who I am sometimes.
Then I hold on to that, then she disappers again and she is no
longer my mother but my friend. She goes back to telling me
stories, that I have probably heard a thousand times from her.
She retells them like she is speaking to one of her best friends,
but I don't mind. Or I read her journals to her, she wrote down
every minute of her life. I would read her everything and she
would laugh, cry like I wasn't retelling her life stories. I realized
over the years that the past is her happy place. She holds on to
it like her life depends on it, she calms down when I ask her
about her past. She held my face and smiled, she looked around
and then back at me.
Yazini" Is this a nursing home?"
Me" Nope, It's Uncle Qhama's house"
"He is your brother"
She smiled
Yazini" I know my own brother silly"
She looks to her brother then back to me
"You've grown up"
She walked towards me
Me" Mama, where are you?"
She looked confused
Yazini" You just said this is Qhama's house"
"Happy Birthday Nugget"
She was lucid!. I looked at my uncle and he smiled.
Hlalumi" Mama"
Yazini" You've grown up"
She gave me another hug
"How long has it been?"
She asked my uncle
Qhama" 5 years"
She sat on the edge of the bed then looked at me.
Yazini" I love you"
She said the same thing to my uncle
"Take me to a facility that can look after me then go and live
your lives"
She started crying, I knew the pain she felt. Not being in control
of your life. That has been everyday, I am so scared of forgetting
that I record everything I do. I am so scared of everything, this
was my life. The fear of being like her.
Yazini" I'd like to visit Yanga and Qhayiya. Before it happens
again. Please let me see them"
"I just want to see them one last time"
My uncle and I took her to the graveyard, she cried and asked
to be alone. We didn't go too far.
Qhama" I wonder how long this one will last"
Last time she was just lucid for two hours, this however has
been the longest.
Me" You think she is dying?"
Qhama" I don't know, I just hope she won't end up in hospital
again. I know I am selfish but I am not ready for her to die"
Me" Me too"
Qhama" She promised me that we will grow up and be smelly
together"
"I should probably get her to call Sange and Khanya"
Me" That's a great idea, think she would like that"
Qhama" I am not sending her to some home, I'll take care of her
but she is right. You need to start living your life"
"I will read her journals to her. You focus on Varsity"
We heard her scream and we both ran to her.
"Where am I?! Ningo bani nina?"
She was scared, she looked around then back at us.
"Ndiphi?"
"Yanga? Qhama?"
She always calls out for them. Never me.
Me" Bayeza. Let's go look for them"
She started being calm again. We walked to the car, she held my
face then smiled.
Me" Lala bayeza, I'll wake you up when they get here"
She nodded, I caressed her and then started singing. Turns out,
the song she used to sing to me, is the same song her father
used to sing to her. She fell asleep and I closed my eyes and
murmured.
"Happy Birthday Nugget"
End of Part 1
Chapter 21
"You are such a mommy bear"
Yanga always says that
Me" I don't want Hlalumi to think I never loved her"
Yanga" She knows, but you can't smother her"
Me" I'm pregnant, she didn't get the chance to be the only child
for too long"
Yanga" Yazini"
Me" Just let me do this"
Yanga" You are an amazing mother"
Me" Yea, but I'm not your mother, so I don't think your opinion
matters"
Yanga" Rude"
Me" You called me a Mama Bear"
"Baby"
He giggled as I pushed my bum to his manhood
Yanga" The only time you are humble"
Me" Please"
Yanga" Nope, I have to get up. Thabang and Viwe will be here
today"
I got on top off him, then slowly dried humped him.
Me" Here?"
"Why?"
Yanga" Legal advice"
Me" Kanti Cape town ayina lawyers?"
Yanga" They trust me"
"I am good at what I do"
Me" So I've heard"
Yanga" You are being mean because you are not getting any
sex?"
Me" Yea"
Yanga" Your daughter will be awake soon and come in here"
Me" Should I lock the door?"
Yanga" Lock the door"
Me" I want real sex babe, not the tired one"
Yanga" I'm offended"
Me" Hahaha then do what you do best and prove me wrong"
I went to look the door, as I turned around walking to the bed I
heard her call out
" Mommy!"
Yanga" see? I told you"
I unlocked and opened the door, she had a huge smile on her
face.
Hlalumi" Mommy"
Me" Come in Nugget"
She ran to the bed, and I stood there watching her play with
Yanga.
Yanga" Mommy wants to take you shopping today"
Hlalumi" Will you be there?"
Yanga" No, I have to work"
"She is taking you to the spa too"
Hlalumi" Funa uhlala nawe mna"
Me" Nugget, I wanted to spend time with you"
"It will be fine, I promise you"
I always feel like an intruder in their relationship and Yanga
even has Qhama wrapped around his finger.
Me" Hlalumi! You we are spending time together today"
"You don't have a choice"
Yanga stared at me
Me" Oh! Shut up"
Yanga" Nice job"
Hlalumi and I started our mother daughter date at the spa. She
seemed to be having fun, I don't know her that well. I suck at
reading her face, Yanga and her get along so well while I work
extra hard. God! That's how I was with my mother. I guess now I
know she felt.
Me" Hlahla"
Hlalumi" Mommy?"
Me" Are you bored?"
She smiled
Hlalumi" Nope, I like this"
"Are you okay?"
I nodded, we got pampered then we went to eat. Which I now
realize we should have started with the food.
Hlalumi" Is your baby also eating?"
Me" Nugget hahaha! Yes he is "
Hlalumi" Mama"
Me" Yes"
Hlalumi" He is yours, and mna I'll take Dad"
I laughed
Me" You're also mine"
Hlalumi" Why?"
Me" Because I gave birth to you"
She stared at me
"I bought you at the store, and then I shared you with Daddy
but you were also in my tummy before I went to fetch you at
the hospital"
She giggled
Hlalumi" Is he in my place?"
I laughed
Me" Yep, you are his big sister"
"You want to touch my stomach?"
Hlalumi" Nooooope"
I laughed
Me" Fine, eat your food then"
"I love you Nugget, never forget that"
She smiled
Hlalumi" I know Mommy"
After eating we went shopping, I realize I do everything
backwards. We could have shopped, ate and then went to get
pampered.
*
The following day Yanga woke me up for sex. I always laugh at
him for doing that, I just find it silly that he can never wait.
Me" Don't you dare fall asleep"
Yanga" Hahaha I'm sleepy"
Me" I was sleeping and you woke me up"
Yanga" Why are you acting like you didn't enjoy that?"
Me" I did, but now I can't sleep. So you have to stay up too"
Yanga" Fine Mrs Baliso"
Me" The only and only"
Yanga" Hahaha noba uBuhle isn't yena"
Me" Hahaha you know what I mean"
Yanga" I really don't"
Me" see why I don't like you?"
Yanga" So much that you married just to torture me forever"
Me" I am that evil"
"Babe"
Yanga" I can't tell you Yaz"
Me" Should I be worried?"
"They came all the way from Cape Town for a criminal law"
Yanga" I'm also their friend"
Me" If it was a social visit, their wives would be here too"
"Should I be worried Yanga?"
He kissed my forehead
Yanga" I'm good at my job"
Me" I don't doubt that but you are hiding something"
Yanga" Yes, because I can't discuss my work"
"Imagine I ask you about Sange and Andrew's finances, that's
unethical right? Same here, there are things I can discuss"
Me" You are not organizing killers for them!"
"We have children Yanga and that shit is not happening
kakhona"
Yanga" I know"
"I took care of it"
Me" In this house that means you got rid of the problem"
Yanga" Do you trust me?"
Me" Yes"
Yanga" Then trust me when I tell you that I am done with
anything that could jeopardize our family's safety"
Me" I hope so, my children deserve to have a father!. And you
promised me that, so don't back away from your promise"
Yanga" I don't make promises, but I don't lie"
I smiled because he once said that to ms when he was still
pursuing me"
Me" I love you"
Yanga" I love you too, we will be fine"
Me" I hope so too"
He yawned
"Sleep"
He kissed my cheek
Yanga" I wanna cuddle"
Me" I need to pee, when I come back we can cuddle before we
get interrupted"
I went to the bathroom and locked the door.
"Yesterday I went to was Saturday, today is Sunday. I live in
Kragga Kamma, my daughter is Hlalumi, my little brother is
Qhama. We have two dogs, Giant and Hulk. I am pregnant"
I closed my eyes then opened them again. Then went out of the
bathroom.
Yanga" Forgot anything?"
I smiled
Me" Just how annoying you are"
I got in bed and he pulled me close to him.
Yanga" You are fine, you'll probably start forgetting at fifty. It
hasn't kicked it, let's stop stressing"
Me" You are right"
Yanga" As always babe"
Chapter 22
"Why is Qhama so tall?"
Khanya asked
Qhama" Because I'm seventeen years old"
Khanya" Are you having sex?"
Sange" He is a virgin! No one is having sex with someone with
braces"
Me" You don't have to answer these idiots"
Sange" Hahaha Qhama you know I am always looking out for
you"
Qhama" And making me uncomfortable"
Sange" That's just my job as the fun Aunt"
Khanya" I am your Guncle"
They both roared with laughter, I missed these two. I know
Qhama did too, he could be anywhere right now but he is
outside with us.
Me" Guncle? Really?"
Khanya" Did I stutter?, because Guncle will represent Qhama
during the lobola negotiations"
Qhama" Stop calling yourself that hahaha please"
Khanya" Hewethu, are you the B in the LGBTQ?"
This time I was laughing harder
"Someone has to ask, akhonto sana lwam"
Me" He is straight"
" You are straight right?"
He nodded
Qhama" Why would you ask?"
Sange" This is PE, you ask that question all the time. PE men are
unpredictable"
Me" Hahaha not bonke"
Sange" Chill"
Me" Voestek"
Khanya" Hahaha I don't think the baby needs this negative
energy from you"
"Let the Guncle speak to the baby"
Qhama" What's a Guncle?"
Khanya rolled his eyes
Khanya" It's a gay uncle"
"You are definitely straight"
Yanga walked in followed by Andrew.
Qhama" Hahahaa I cannot wait to laugh at your children"
Sange" You'll laugh while babysitting. We raised you and you'll
raise our children"
"Thixo! Always comes full circle"
Yanga went to seat next to Khanya, and Andrew was next to me.
Qhama" Bhuti can I use the car?"
Yanga" Uyaphi?"
We all stared at him
Qhama" I am going to Baywest, I have a date"
Sange" Braceface don't eat anything from downtown with those
things"
Me" Voestek wena"
Yanga" Hahaha Sange you wilo never change"
Sange" Nope. Hahaha forget it"
Qhama" You are all embarrassing"
Khanya" Do you need money?"
"Lesson on how to kiss?"
Andrew" Or how to touch boobs when making out?"
Sange" Yes! Babe teach him"
Qhama" Nope, forget it. I'm out, please don't follow me. I'll be
back before curfew"
Andrew" That boy needs to get his broken, he is way too soft"
"What are we doing today?"
Sange" We can go out"
Me" You are pregnant"
Sange" I'm not even showing"
"We can leave her behind"
Me" Yanga would never"
Khanya" Are you sure? Because he didn't object to the idea"
I looked at him
Yanga" Let's have a braai"
"Where is Jabu?, he can buy the meat?"
Khanya" He is probably still at my parents place. He has trouble
with leaving the baby alone"
They adopted a baby boy, we were all parents. Well Sange is
only 3 months pregnant.
Andrew" And you don't?"
Khanya" I love him to bits but I needed some adult time, I
missed dressing up and not smelling like sour milk. I was so
sleepy in court last week, I'm sure I passed out, thank God I was
just second chair"
Sange" I can't wait"
Me" You'll be good at it"
Yanga" I think so too"
"Where is everyone else?"
Me" Who?"
Yanga" Lona, Thabang, Solly and Bahle"
Me" I don't know"
Khanya" They'll be at the party tomorrow, we just organized this
for the six of us"
Sange" Plus Lona smells like incense sticks, she makes me feel
like I am having my soul cleansed"
I laughed but Yanga didn't
Khanya" Chakras and all"
We laughed again but Yanga and Andrew weren't.
Sange" I'm kidding, she would sage this whole place and pray
away the negative energy"
Me" Hahahaha please stop"
"Next topic"
Yanga" Hahahaa you are both evil"
*
"Happy Birthday!!!!"
Me"such a great way to start a birthday"
My husband and I just had sex, I promise you God's best has to
be my husband. He gave me Yanga and everything else fell into
place.
Me" I can't believe I just turned 30"
Yanga" it's like you were 20 not so long ago"
Me" I think we are so happy that time never really mattered, we
just get reminded by our birthdays"
"What did you get me?"
Yanga" Hahaha I miss the days you hated it when I spent money
on you"
Me" Aha! You created a monster"
Yanga" You'll just fall in love with me even more"
"Sayonqeni le sex ndizoyi fumana apha"
I laughed at him, the baby was also kicking. I think he could feel
my excitement.
Yanga" Ndiyeza"
He got out of bed and came back with a orange box.
"Happy Birthday baby"
I screamed when I saw what's written outside Hermes. He
bought me a fucken Birkin bag!!!!!!
Me" Thank you!"
"I love you!.... I can't wait to show this off!"
Yanga" Can you please insure it first"
"That cost me a fortune"
I laughed
Me" Hahaha you saying that is proof that this isn't fake"
Yanga" Hahahaa why would I buy you a fake bag?"
"Kiss me, uyeke uthetha ububhanxa"
*
I decided to throw myself a 30th birthday, the theme was The
great Gatsby. It's my favorite book and well he did throw the
best parties. The planning was a nightmare but seeing
everything come together beautifully was just exciting.
Yanga" This looks beautiful"
Me" You look amazing"
He was wearing a white suit and a hat. I laughed at the
suspenders.
Yanga" I'm actually excited to see what everyone will be
wearing. Our people don't respect themes"
I was a short gold glitter dress with fringe, my mother in law
said I can't wear black while pregnant. So I had to change my
outfit, I wore a feather head band and these long black gloves. I
was pregnant but I still had to look amazing.
Yanga" Are yoy ready for your dramatic entrance?"
Me" Yea"
We finally went inside and everyone was really in their Gatsby
inspired clothes.
Khanya" Baby Mama!"
"Happy Birthday my baby"
He gave me a hug
Me" Thank you babe"
I went around the room to hug my friends and a few colleagues.
Solly" Happy Birthday"
We hugged
Me" Thank you and thanks for coming"
Solly" I wouldn't have missed a chance to dress up"
"When are you due?"
Me" Next month"
Solly" The way Yanga is looking at you, ingathi kuzophuma lo
and then another one will enter"
Me" Hahaha we actually agreed we are done, I hope he keeps
that promise"
Bahle walked to us with Thabang.
Thabang" Happy Birthday Daisy"
He gave me a hug.
Me" Hahaha Thank you, and thanks for the gift"
Bahle" Woah! I chose it"
"He can't get all the credit"
I gave her a hug.
Me" First of all, you look so beautiful. And thank you for the
gift"
Bahle" It's a pleasure and how's it that you are so pregnant, yet
you still manage to look runway ready?"
Me" Have you seen Sange?"
Solly" I am considering getting a tummy tuck, it's the only way I
can walk next to y'all"
Thabang" I'm walking away, I have heard enough"
Sange and Khanya came to join us. I looked over at Yanga, Lona
was with the guys.
"She feels guilty"
Sam said, that's Nathan's wife.
Me" Why?"
Sam" What happened the last time. Nate told me"
Solly" Yanga told her to stay away from you"
"She is doing just that"
Khanya" Tshomi"
"You also owe her an apology"
Me" No, I don't, she almost killed Hlalumi"
Sange" She didn't though, you both went through something
traumatic and she acted like any of us would have"
Me" Why are you defending her"
Sange" Andrew just told me how she lost a lot when Claire went
missing"
"And Yanga loves Lona, they were friend and now he can't let
her see Hlalumi because you hate Lona. It's been 7 years babe,
you need to forgive"
Me" She has met Hlalumi before"
Bahle" Nope, she hasn't. Yanga has made it clear that you don't
want her around your child and she respects that"
Solly" And it's strange because our children were supposed to
be best friends but ke Yanga would never go against your
wishes"
"And her children like you, ngoku yilento. We can't have our
kids around between anivani and we just don't know kuzothini"
Me" This feels like an ambush, so I'm just going to walk around
and go to my other guests"
*
The following day I cooked for everyone with the help of Lunje,
by everyone I mean Hlalumi, Qhama, Yanga and Lunje.
Me" Hlahla are you going to eat?"
Hlalumi" Nope, I am busy"
I laughed
Me" Qhama?"
Qhama" Busy too"
Me" Alright then"
I walked back to the kitchen
"Lu abatyi, I'll just dish up for Yanga"
I dished up for Yanga and then took his food to our bedroom.
Yanga" Thank you"
Me" I thought you had plans"
He was working
Yanga" These are my plans, I am arguing a case that I cannot
lose"
Me" You going to the office?"
Yanga" Yea, or Hlalumi will just disturb me"
Me" I'm meeting Lona"
He had a blank stare
Yanga" Which Lona?"
Me" Montgomery-Rhodes"
Yanga" Is that a good idea?, you both the don't have the best
track record"
"And you were 8 months pregnant last time too"
I smiled
Me" Do you know how much I love you?"
"I would heaven and earth just to see you happy. You shouldn't
lose your best friend because of me"
Yanga" Don't do things just to make me happy"
I smiled
Me" See? You give without hesitation when it comes to me. Let
me do this for us, I also need the closure and I know Qhama
would love to see Claire again"
"This has dragged long enough"
Yanga" Who else will be there?"
"Lona is unpredictable"
Me" Solly, Sange, Khanya and Bahle"
Yanga" It's Sunday today, she has self care Sunday with
Thabang"
Me" Is that a real thing?, I thought Bahle was just making an
excuse"
He laughed
Yanga" Yea, they've been doing that shit oko ndabazi. It's their
tradition"
Me" Well she agreed to meet me at 3p.m."
Yanga" You don't have to do this"
I kissed his forehead
Me" I do though"
"I promise I will be fine, she is your friend so you need to give
her the benefit of the doubt"
Yanga" And you're my wife"
Me" Let's take a bath together, I'll convince you properly when
we are both naked"
Yanga" Okay fine"
"You're lucky I love seeing you naked"
To be continued
Chapter 23
Me" Can I use your car?"
Yanga" Nope, I'm dropping you off, did you really think I'd let
you drive around alone while you are 8 months pregnant"
Me" You act like I'm incapable of doing anything for myself"
Yanga" My son needs you to slow down"
Me" Your son needs to chill"
Yanga" Yaz let me do this"
Me" As if I have a choice"
Yanga" You always have a choice but I am hoping you'd make
the right choice"
Me" Fine, you are driving"
I quickly blue mommy jeans and a black blouse, and nude heels.
I tied my braids then put on some lipstick.
Yanga" Hahaha you don't have to wear heels"
"Babe, why are you over dressed?"
Me" Ungenaphi wena? Hahaha I am not even trying hard to
loom hot"
Yanga" I'll reserve my comment, I have your flat shoes in my
car"
Me" I won't need them, you'll rub me feel later wena"
Yanga" Sundifaka"
Me" Hey, I have this big tummy because ubifaka kum. This is
team work baby"
"Lets go"
Yanga" Babe, don't you want to wear flat shoes?"
Me" You are ruining my outfit fam"
"Why can't you just hype me? Marriage has changed you"
He giggled
Yanga" Awubhanxeke"
"You don't know when to slow down and I need you to slow
down, I always hype you, nawe uyayazi but there is no way I am
just going to act like you meeting up with Lona is a good idea"
Me" She is your friend"
Yanga" And you are my wife"
"I don't get why you think that means less to me, she and I fell
off because of what she did. When I wanted you, wathi she isn't
allowed around us and I respected that but ngoku kwa wena
you are meeting her"
Me" Yanga"
"I was wrong and angry, I am trying to fix things"
Yanga" Why can't you do yonke lonto after giving birth"
Me" Because she has never met Hlalumi, we are about to have
a second child and she will still not see him because I didn't
want her around our children. Your friends don't know what
your daughter looks like, they've just seen her on Instagram. I
own up to that being my fault and I am trying to change it"
Yanga" Why now?"
Me" Because life if is too short Yanga"
"I will be gone and they will all be here! You will need help, they
will need friends. She is part of the group of people you love"
Yanga" You are not dying!"
I kissed his forehead
Me" Just let me do this for you"
I gave him a hug and he pulled away.
Yanga" You don't have to do anything for me! You are not dying,
you don't get to have Alzheimer's disease"
"I don't want you to saying stupid things like that again"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" Okay"
Yanga dropped me off at The Company.
Yanga" I'll be at the office"
Me" I'll uber home"
Yanga" No, just call me xa ugqibile"
"We can go to McDonald's and get something for the kids"
Me" Okay"
He left, I decided to wait for Lona outside. After a few minutes a
White BMW pulled up, I knew it was her and when she stepped
out of the car, I couldn't help but admire her. She was wearing a
plain white round neck t-shirt, blue cropped jeans and black old
skool vans. Her hair was in a bun, and she had these retro round
style glasses (like Harry Potter). I understood the fuss about her,
it's how she made small talk with the car guards, how she had
this genuine smile, it's the way she wanted to address everyone
by their name. She gave me hug and asked me
"Are you good?"
I nodded
Me" Yea, how are you?"
Lona" Exhausted, Xavier has been coughing and he is being a
baby, we had to face time until he fell asleep"
"I actually miss them but I'm also glad I got to get away from
them"
Like there was nothing awkward about this encounter, it's like
she never pushed me while I was pregnant and that I imagined
that she slapped me. The waitress came and Lona asked her for
her name, then proceeded to order
Me" I can't wait for this one to come out"
Lona" When are you due?"
Me" Two weeks from now"
"Yanga and I haven't even bought anything, I don't know why
and every time I ask him he says we still have Hlalumi's old stuff.
I think he doesn't believe it's a boy and wants actual proof"
She laughed
Lona" With Xavier, Nate and I were the exact opposite, we
bought so much stuff that the others just received hand me
downs. The first baby is always the luckiest, if you have the
means"
We ordered our food, we made more small talk about
everything except for addressing the elephant in the room. I
guess she wanted us to eat kuqala because she asked our
waitress if we can move outside, we ordered water and went to
sit outside.
"You once said I was rejected by Yanga and maybe that's why I
felt like it was okay for me to bully you"
"That bothered me, because what happened between Yanga
and I was way before you were in the picture. Yet you made it
sound like I was chasing him while you were together"
Me" It's strange that all you took from the conversation was
that, yet you and your friends accused us of seducing married
men. Surely we deserved the benefit of the doubt, or you could
have asked them we explain but instead we were ambushed
for something so stupid"
Lona" We saw a video"
Me" Lona, we were there and you guys were not, we know
what went down. What I don't appreciate was you turning
everyone against me"
Lona" Was it okay when you turned Yanga against me?"
"Because you did just that with Yanga, then went behind my
back to meet my daughter"
Me" Okay, woah, I didn't go behind your back. Nathan
approached, he said he would discuss it with you but you're
both Claire's parents, I didn't ask him that was his suggestion"
"And I never said to Yanga he should cut you off, I didn't even
know he did that. You were at our wedding, I invited you to his
party and I still invited you to mine"
Lona" On condition that I don't look at your daughter"
Me" You almost killed my daughter Lona"
"Or are pretending that didn't happen?"
Lona" You came to my house! You knew who we were and you
didn't say anything, you knew and you let us welcome you with
open arms"
Me" I didn't know! You thought I knew?"
"I didn't date Yanga because I wanted to get close to you! And
you made me sound like I was some crazy stalker!"
Lona" You never said anything Yazini!"
Me" What was I suppose to say?"
" please enlighten me because I am drawing a blank"
Lona" Who you were"
Me"Yanga knew who I was, and we spoke about my mother a
million times. He also didn't know that my mother was the
same woman who worked for you. So if he didn't know, then
how was I supposed to know?"
Lona" After you did, you still didn't say anything"
Me" I wanted to tell him, but I hated the idea of losing him. So I
kept it to myself"
"It had nothing to do with you, I just wanted someone to love
me and Qhama, not have my mother be the reason that it
ends"
Lona" I was angry, I felt betrayed and I overreacted but you hurt
me. You could have told us, and we could have made the
decision for ourselves. But you didn't Yazini, you just kept quiet"
Me" You wanted me to assume responsible for something that
had nothing to do with me"
" I am sorry for what happened to your family but Lona you had
no right to do what you did to me"
Lona" I know"
"I guess you and I will never be civil"
Me" We don't have to be best friends"
"You mean the world to Yanga, and I want our children to get to
know each other"
Lona" I am really sorry"
Me" I am also sorry"
"I am sorry for what my mother did to you, I would give you
every cent they ever took from you but I didn't even know
about the money until Yanga told me"
She smiled
Lona" Yaz your mother used to brag about you, about how
smart you are and that you had a good heart. She spoke about
you and Qhama so much, she did love you, I don't know why
she did what she did and I guess I will never know but she was a
mother to me and a confidant. That's why her betrayal still
hurts, because I let her in and she hurt me just like everyone
else"
"I don't know how to move on from that"
Me" Well, she was my actual mother and she left me with so
much pain. I don't even know anymore but I know she was
genuine until she wasn't. She did love you, she spoke about
how much of a good person you were. I was young then, I
remember the clothes you used to buy for us and her"
"I don't know if I will ever forget what happened between us,
but I am tired of fighting you. I don't have it in me to hate you
anymore"
She reached for my hand
Lona" I know Zukile was 34 when it happened to him"
I cried, Zukile is my father.
"That was her biggest worry"
I wiped my tears and nodded
Me" Yep, Yanga is not ready to accept it and I am okay with
that, his love is what keeps me sane when I am scared"
"I just need my children to have people who love them, I didn't
have that. I was alone and I don't want that for them. You have
3 children, Sange and Andrew have 2, Solly and Viwe have 1,
Thabang and Bahle have 2, Ongama has, Sive has 2 and Kanya
and Jabu have 1. That's way more people than what Qhama and
I had. I just want to break the cycle"
Lona" I am sorry"
"You are so you, I hate that this is your story and you don't get
to enjoy it because at any moment it can all go dark. I am sorry"
We both didn't say anything fora while then she smiled.
Me" Are you okay?"
She laughed
Lona" Yes, I just played this whole thing differently in my mind
and not once did I imagine us being civil to one another"
I laughed too
Me" Same here, I even practiced my responses"
Lona" Same here"
Me" Hahaha glad I'm not the only crazy person"
Lona" Hahaha I feel stupid"
Me" Same here"
Chapter 24
It's been a good few months, we had Qhayiya joining our family
4 months ago and he has been a loud guest. But today wasn't
about him, today was about Qhama.
Yanga"Awuzo biwa apha?"
Qhama looked around then shrugged
Viwe" Don't let them scare you, Stellenbosch is the best
medical school"
"Look at me, I am a God, I learned everything I know here"
Andrew" He isn't a God and UCT is the best. It's not too late to
change your mind, I can make some calls"
Solly" Don't listen to these idiots please"
"We will go, see you at the house"
They hugged Qhama and left, he looked really nervous.
Khanya" You belong here, you worked hard to be here. You'll be
amazing at this and even if it doesn't work out. We will be
proud of you Qhama"
Sange" And I'm here. You can always call me if you feel alone or
just want to get away, Andrew has done this before. He will help
but I don't think you'll need help because you are smart"
He was crying, I know Qhama going to University isn't a big deal
but I didn't think we would ever get out of that. So this is big to
us.
Yanga" I am proud of you"
He gave Qhama a hug.
Qhama" Thank you Bhuti"
They left me with him.
Me" You'll call me right?"
Qhama" Yes, will you be fine?"
Me" I don't know, I might move to Stellenbosch just to be close"
He laughed
Qhama" You have your family, you don't need me, you'll be
okay"
Me" You are my family, before everyone else, you matter the
most to me"
"I can't believe you're in university"
He laughed
Qhama" Me too, just yesterday I was your annoying little
brother who followed you everywhere"
Me" I don't think I know what how to be without you"
"It's been us for so long and now it feels like everything is
changing"
Qhama" I know what you mean but also, this is all your hard
work, I am here because you never let our situation get to you. I
am here to make you proud, I love you"
Me" I love you too Qhama, I am really proud of you"
We hugged
Qhama" Plus your son is way too loud, I can rest, I won't miss
that noise"
"Thank you for everything Yaya"
We hugged again, then he finally waved to everyone and went
inside his res. We all left for Nathan's house here, they had
already started with the braai.

Sange" The fact that I can't drink right now, is exactly what is
wrong with the world"
Me" One more month, you can do this"
Khanya" Tshomi I will drink on your behalf"
Me" You are annoying"
Khanya" Supportive"
Sange" Yaz what's the story with Giant? Nithi kutheni?"
"You were in tears that day, I could barely make out a word"
Me" We got home and Hulk was barking so loud, so Yanga
rushed inside but there was nothing, so he took Hulk outside.
That's when we saw Giant in our pool filled with blood"
"So one stabbed our dog then shot him 27 times"
I started tearing up just saying that, Qhama and Hlalumi
couldn't stop crying. Yanga, well Yanga was just in a bubble and
I understand because that was his first child.
Khanya" And no one saw anything?"
Me" Nothing"
Khanya" Has Yanga said anything?"
Me" Nope, we just moved into Thabang's house in
Summerstrand"
"I don't know what he is working on but all I know is he is
paranoid qha ngoku"
Khanya" He won't tell you, even if he wants to"
Me" Do you know?"
Khanya" I suspect"
"Yanga is a known criminal lawyer and most of his clients are
gang affiliated"
Me" Yea but that has never been a problem"
"He isn't involved"
Khanya" He isn't but he knows why too much"
"Sometimes they just need to remind him, who is in charge"
Me" You could be wrong"
" We have two children,Yanga would never do anything to put
us at risk"
Khanya" Yes he wouldn't, I know he works for the Montgomery
group now but there was no way he was just going to quit. He
has been helping criminals get away with murder for years, you
don't just quit when it benefits you"
Sange" You could be wrong"
Khanya" I could be right"
We went home the following day, we were driving. Hlalumi was
on her tablet and I was feeding Qhama while Yanga drove.
Me" When are we going back home?"
"Our home not indlu ka Thabang"
Yanga" The police are still investigating"
Me" The police are investigating a murder of a dog?"
Yanga" Breaking and entering"
" I am sorting this out, just let me d..."
Me" Please don't, don't say I should trust you or the police but
uyandixokisela"
Yanga" You don't trust me?"
Me"How will I when you are keeping shit from me?"
"You are doing something and it is affecting your family, but
awuthethi and you want some blind trust"
He ignored me
Me" Yanga!"
"I deserve answers"
He hit the steering wheel
"Fuck! Yazini! Stop pushing! Yeses!"
"I am doing my best and I don't need you nagging, I am fucken
trying! Just support me! That's all I want"
Me" Support ntoni? When I don't even know what is happening
Yanga?. Ndithini? Just sit and wait for the unknown?"
"We could get home and find Hulk gone, I was hijacked because
of your job! We keep on going through sh..."
He stopped the car
Yanga" Do you think I planned this? Do you honestly think I
wanted any of this?. I didn't plan on having a wife, I didn't plan
on children because I know what I have been doing. Then you
and Qhama came along then I was stupid enough to believe
that I could have a normal life too. I am sorry that you are stuck
with me"
Me" I want to be with you but you can't expect me to let you
handle everything alone. We are married, we are suppose to do
everything together"
He was interrupted by Hlalumi crying, I even forgot they were in
the car.
Hlalumi" Why are you shouting Mommy?"
Yanga" She is angry because she wants food"
Hlalumi laughed but I don't think she was buying the story
though.
"Can we do this later?"
He said and I just nodded, wiping the tears away from my eyes.
Yanga" I love you Yazini"
Me" It doesn't feel that way"
Chapter 25
3 YEARS LATER
"Happy 10th birthday Hlahla"
Yanga and I were standing in front of our daughter, she had a
huge grin on her face.
Me" Are you ready for your gift?"
She nodded
Yanga"I don't think you are"
It's been interesting to hit rock bottom with him. We went
through something I didn't think we could survive together. His
biological father died, then soon after his brother Songezo lost
his wife while she was giving birth. Our relationship took a huge
knock too, but we found each other again. Sange gave birth to a
little boy and name him Jesus, I kid you not but his real name is
actually York Montgomery-Rhodes. He sounds wealthy nje by
saying his name.
Hlalumi" Is that mine?"
We bought her a bicycle, she has been asking for it.
Me" Yes"
"Happy birthday Nugget"
Yanga" Now don't feel the ride it now"
I laughed at him because he wanted to buy one with training
wheels and I said Hlalumi would kill him.
Qhayiya" Where is mine?"
He is turning 3 soon and he has been a handful, his father was
so happy. Qhayiya could do no wrong in Yanga's eyes.
Me" You'll get it on your birthday"
Qhayiya" Ngomso?"
I nodded and his father was dying to tell him we bought him a
car but he couldn't get it today because today is all about
Hlalumi.
Me" Don't do it"
Yanga" He looks sad"
Me" Then look away!"
"Hlahla deserves all the attention today"
Yanga laughed
Me" Take her out and I'll chill here with Qhayiya"
Me" Grow up"
Yanga" You're rude"
Me" Whatever"
" Let's go cut the cake then video call Qhama"
Yanga" He is probably out with his friends"
Me" He will still answer"
We had a mini staring contest
"Fine, I won't call him"
Yanga" Tshini, focus on your daughter"
I rolled my eyes
Me" Take your own advice"
Yanga" Awumbi"
Me" Nje ngawe?"
Yanga" Stupid"
I laughed because that's what Qhayiya says all the time to us.
Me" mxm"
"Hlalumi"
She walked over to me
Me" I love you, I am so proud of you and I think you are the
most beautiful girl in the world. You are my first child, I learned
to be a mother kuwe and I some times think I did a good job"
"Never forget that I love you, noba kunzima kangaka nani, noba
it seems like everything sucks, remember that I love you and
you are my world"
I gave her a hug
Me" Happy Birthday Nugget"
Hlalumi" I love you too Mommy"
The following day it was Monday so it means being at war with
Hlalumi.
Me" Wake up Nugget"
Hlalumi" I hate school"
Me" We know but you still have to go"
She hates the waking up
"Baby, wake up, I packed your favorite snacks"
Hlalumi" Can I eat them now?"
Me" You are your father's daughter"
I handed her the entire lunch box and walked away because I
will never get used to this mess.
Qhayiya" Mommy"
Yanga" Uyangxola"
I looked at the both of them and just got annoyed even before I
heard what the problem is.
Me" Yanga"
Yanga" Hulk pooped in his shoe and he wore it without
checking"
He was laughing again and Qhayiya was crying.
Me" Umdala"
Yanga" Hahaha babe, it's funny"
Me" Every morning you two do this"
Yanga" I'll sort it out"
Me" Thank you"
Yanga" Should I drop them off?"
Me" I don't mind"
Yanga" Are you okay?"
Me" Yea"
"I am just tired"
I sat in the sofa and started silently sobbing.
Yanga" Yazini"
"Babe"
Me" I am tired"
Yanga" I'm sorry about laughing at the shoe thing"
Me" It's not that"
"I just don't have the energy for anything"
Yanga" You want to sleep?"
"I'll drop them off"
Me" Yanga"
"I'm not ready"
His eyes were shimmering with tears
Yanga" Please don't"
"Sleep this off, I'll go drop these two off and we can go to the
doctor together"
Me" Okay"
Yanga" I'll be back"
I woke up on the bed and Yanga wasn't next to me. I ran out of
the room, no one was home. I took my phone and called him.
Me" Where are you?"
Yanga" Dropping off Hlalumi"
"Qhayiya is already at Day care"
Me" I need to rush to the office, I over slept"
He was quiet
Yanga" Yaz, wait for me"
Me" It's Monday, I have the staff meeting today"
Yanga" Baby, please wait for me"
Me" We can meet for lunch, but I can't be late for work"
Yanga" I'll be there in five minutes"
He hung up and I went to take a shower, then got dressed in
black pants and a white blouse with black heels. I fixed my hair
and Yanga walked in like he was being chased.
"Yazini"
Me" Why were you running?"
Yanga" Rushing to you"
"Babe, I need to tell you something"
Me" Walk and talk?, I'm late"
Yanga" Yazini, you don't work"
Me" What do you mean?"
Yanga" You quit your job because you were scared to end up
embarrassing yourself at work"
"Let's go back to bed"
Me" I.....?"
I couldn't remember the word
"Resigned"
He said and I nodded, I started crying and he helped me to the
bed.
Yanga" We will wake up and laugh about this"
I nodded
Me" Yanga"
He looked at me
"Am I crazy?"
He kissed my forehead
Yanga" Yep, crazy about your perfect husband"
"You are okay babe"
He smiled and so did I
Me" I have children right?"
Yanga" Two amazing children"
"Lets sleep, we will wake up all better"
Chapter 26
"You're not at work"
I was surprised to see Yanga watching ESPN. He is usually at
work at this time.
Yanga" Working from home"
Me" Again?"
Yanga" You sound disappointed"
Me" I am, I don't need you to stop working because of me"
Yanga" I didn't but I just wanted to spend some time with you"
"Plus, Qhama is coming back later today, I need the rest before
it gets loud apha"
Me" Uyeza?"
Yanga" Babe, Qhama is in Stellenbosch, he is doing his 3rd year
and he is coming home for because your grandmother passed
away"
I stared at him then nodded
" Izapha"
I walked to him then sat next to him
Me" You stopped working"
It wasn't a question, he is always home.
Yanga" I am just consulting"
Me" Why?"
"I am fine"
Yanga" You are not Yazini, izolo you took the kids to our old
house because you forgot that we moved. Last month you burnt
your hand, you threw Lunje out the month before that because
you didn't know her. And Lunje has been working for us since
Hlalumi was born, that's 11 years. You forgot who she was"
"I love you, so I am here because I want to be with you. Let me
take care of you"
Me" I am scared"
Yanga" Me too"
"We can do this, you just have to let me take care of you"
Me" I don't want you to remember this way"
"It feels like this is our story now and I don't want it to be like
that"
Yanga" This? Nah, babe this is just one of those things we have
to get through together"
Me" Or you take me to a nursing home"
He laughed then pulled me closer
Yanga" Do you know how much I love you? I'd never take you to
a nursing home, you are stuck here with me"
Me"And what happens when I forget you?"
Yanga" Then I'll have the pleasure of making you fall in love with
me"
"I think I'd love the chase"
We both laughed, I moved to look at his face. He had a huge
grin on his face.
"What if you're not my type? I mean maybe my Alzheimer's will
give me a new personality"
I said and he roared with laughter
Yanga" Baby, you have 3 children. There is no way you can be
picky"
"That aside, I am handsome, yandibona? Ndiyi catch, you'd he
lucky to be with me"
Me" Hahaha! I've seen better"
Yanga" True, but they have nothing on me"
We kissed.
Me" Here?"
Yanga" Why not?"
Me" Sibadala"
Yanga" Hahaha khakhulule uyeke uthetha into engekhoyo"
*
" What are you doing?"
He stood on the door frame with a huge smile on his face. I love
this man, he is right, I would fall in love with him a thousand
times over if I could.
"Reading, what are you doing?"
He shrugged and then walked over to me.
Yanga" I'm about to take my wife on a date"
I smiled
Me" Yadyola?"
"Awuna ntloni"
We both laughed, he threw himself to the bed.
Yanga" Masambe, we haven't done anything together for a
while"
Me" We went out with the kids last week"
Yanga" Yea, I mean mna nawe"
"Just the two of us"
Me" Siyaphi?"
Yanga" Just get dressed wethu"
"I'll quickly take a shower"
Me" Should I join?"
Yanga" Iza baby wam"
It's these little moments that make me fall in love with this man
even more. How he dries me after taking a shower, or how he
loves to watch me while I put lotion on.
Yanga" Can we have another baby?"
"We get a surrogate"
I laughed
Me" You are trying to kill Hlalumi, edikwe ngu Qhayiya. I don't
think she can handle another baby"
Yanga" Hahaha she said earlier 'Daddy I need my own place'
and I laughed, wakhala"
Me" I wonder uzothini when she sees Qhama"
Yanga" Qhama arrives on Saturday, he wants to visit his cousins
before he comes here"
" Get dressed, kunini ufaki make up"
I laughed
Me" Awudikwa kudika?"
Yanga" Nope"
Me" What should I wear?"
Yanga" Hay, andikwazi"
"You don't have to wear heels"
Me" Okay"
I wore a long black skirt, with a white t-shirt tucked in and white
Air force 1 low.
Yanga" Hahaha Hay hay!!!"
Me" Nto?"
Yanga" You only wore those sneakers because of me"
Me" Hahaha yes, we are matching"
Yanga" That's tacky"
"Hahaha sudika"
I know he hates it when we I copy his style.
Me" Change your sneakers, but I like the way I'm dressed"
Yanga" Fine"
He didn't change his sneakers, I took my bag and we went
downstairs together.
"Mommy without me?"
Qhayiya said and Hlalumi rolled her eyes.
Me" It's just Daddy and I tonight"
Qhayiya" Mna?"
Me" Ngomso"
"I love you my baby"
Qhayiya" I love you too Mommy"
Yanga and I went to the movies, after the movie he took me out
for supper and then we went to the ice rink. It was such a lovely
evening, it was just us. Felt like old times really and I missed
that.
Me" I love you so much"
Yanga" I know, and I love you too"
We were seated in the car.
Me" So, I have all these journals, I wrote everything I have ever
experienced down. I want you to read it to me. I never want to
forget about your love Yanga. You are the best part of my story
and I don't want to forget you. So read to me. Everyday. Even
when I am so far gone, I want you to read to me because I
wanna want to forget what we have"
"I don't know what I did right to get you but I am thankful,
Yanga you are my favorite part of this lifetime"
He was crying and so was I.
Yanga" I am not ready to let go"
I wiped my tears and looked at him.
Me" I am not ready for you to let me go"
"However you should put me in a nursing home, that's what I
want. I don't want my children to see me at my worst. And get
Hlalumi and Qhayiya tested when they turn 18"
He leaned in and kissed me.
Yanga" We not doing this right now"
"Masambe, they probably waiting for you to sing for them"
I started in Hlalumi's room, sang for her then kissed her
goodnight. Went to Qhayiya.
Me" Should Mommy sing for you?"
Qhayiya" Mommy"
"Uzolala nam?"
Me" Should I take you to my room?"
Qhayiya" No, I want you here"
Me" And Daddy?"
Qhayiya" Just you"
He giggled, I took off my shoes and he opened the blanket for
me.
Qhayiya" Iza, I'll sing for you"
I laughed at him. I have been singing this song to both him and
Hlalumi for years, no wonder he knows it word for word.
Me" I love you boy"
Qhayiya" To the moon and back"
I laughed because that's what Yanga says to them.
Qhayiya" Mama?"
Me" Mmh?"
Qhayiya" Theni khala kakhulu?"
"Uyagula wena?"
Me" I was but not anymore"
"Ndiright ngoku"
Qhayiya" Okay ke"
Me" You don't have to worry about me, uyeva? I am fine"
He eventually fell asleep after I promised he will wake up with
me next to him. I quickly went to change into my pyjamas and
Yanga was still up.
"I made a promise to Qhayiya"
I said to him, then kissed him.
Yanga" I understand, goodnight baby"
I kissed him again.
"Yazini"
He said as I was about to get out of the room, I turned around
to look at him. It looked like he wanted to tell me something
but he wasn't sure if he should;
"I just wanted to remind you that I love you"
Chapter 27
I woke up in a hospital bed and Sange was next to me she was
on her phone, and Khanya was sleeping on the chair.
"Sange?"
She looked at me then put her phone away.
Me" I'm in hospital"
She smiled
Sange" Had a heart attack and a surgery"
"Khanya"
She shouted and he woke up, we both giggled.
Khanya" Yho! Y'all are rude"
She got up and walked towards me. I couldn't see Qhama.
Me" Whose looking after Qhama? My landlord will probably call
social services on me again"
They exchanged looks
Sange" Babe, Qhama is in Varsity remember?"
Khanya" Yanga left because he had to take Hlalumi to her prize
giving"
"You don't have a landlord, you are married to Yanga and you
have to children; Hlalumi and Qhayiya"
I nodded feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Me" I want Qhama"
"I want my brother"
I got out of bed, removing the wires that were on me.
Sange" Yazini! Calm down"
The nurses came in running and I couldn't stop crying because I
needed to see my brother.
*
*
*
*
*
"Yaya"
I opened my eyes and looked around, I was still in hospital. I
reached for his face and touched it, it was weird, it felt like I was
in a time loop.
Me" Hey Qham Qham"
" When did you get here?"
Yanga" Yesterday but they had sedated you"
"Are you okay today?"
Me" Was I not?"
" Why am I here?"
Yanga" You had a heart attack and they had to operate on you
because you had blood clots"
Qhayiya" Mommy I hate it here"
I looked at him and then back at Yanga.
Me" We are going home soon"
Qhayiya" Yes! This place is scary"
Me" Come here my boy"
He ran to me and I cuddled him. Yanga and Qhama were
speaking to the doctor and Hlulumi was in her own world.
"Hlahla, come to Mommy"
She looked at me and shook her head.
Me"Hlalumi"
Hlalumi" Andifuni"
"I don't want to be here"
Yanga" Don't be rude!"
Hlalumi" She is not my mother!"
"Mom would never shout at me the way she does!!! She left us
in the car! I don't want to be here!!!"
I couldn't understand because I don't even know what she is
talking about. I hated that my daughter was scared of me
though. And it felt like I was stuck in some maze, and every time
I thought I have my life together something in me shifts. I can't
remember anything about the last two years. And the things
that I remember seem to not be what everyone else has been
experiencing.
Me" I am sorry Hlalumi"
Hlalumi" Just stay away from me please"
I got discharged three days before Hlalumi's 13th birthday.
Yanga and I arrived at home while everyone was watching t.v.
Qhama" Welcome home"
He got up and gave me a hug.
Me" What's witg the beard?"
He laughed
Yanga" I asked him the same shit"
"He looks extremely weird"
Qhama" It's called manhood"
Yanga" Hahaha not when Yazini and I still pay your bills"
Me" Hahaha well, he will soon be a doctor. We need to write
down everything he owes us"
Qhama" Hahaha are my babysitting services deductible?"
" You two are evil"
Me" Hahaha it's Yanga not me. I am just laughing. You know I
love you"
" I am going to bed, I feel ...."
I couldn't find the right word, which is crazy because this
happens a lot to me"
Yanga" Exhausted"
He offered me a smile, I realized that not once did Qhayiya or
Hlalumi say a word to me.
Me" Do you guys wabt to sing for me? That way I can fall
asleep"
Qhayiya" Yes!"
Hlalumi" No thanks. I am not in the mood"
Me" Can I speak to Hlahla alone please?"
Yanga" Babe, I don't think so"
Hlalumi" And as I said, not in the mood"
Me" Okay, I am still the parent here"
" We need the room"
Yanga" Okay, I'll take the boys out for drinks"
Me" Drinks?"
Yanga" I'll drink they will watch"
He kissed me then Hlalumi, he grabbed his car keys and they
left.
" I inherited this you know? I am not even sure it's fair but I
watched my father go through it until he died. And now you are
watching me, I know Yanga probably hasn't told you. He
probably keeps making excuses for me but I think you deserve
to know. I have this diseases and it is slowly killing me, and it's
going to get worse. I watched my father go through it and I
watched my gran, now you are watching me. It's not fair and I
thought I haad time but I guess I don't"
"I love you. I hate that you have to go through this but I don't
want you to hate me. Hlalumi that part scares me the most, I
don't want you to regret having me as a parent because I didn't
have the best mother and that's the one thing I wanted to
rewrite things"
Hlalumi" You left us in a locked car for hours, an empty parking
lot Mama. We could have died, if that car guard didn't find us,
we could have died"
"I don't hate you, I am just angry. I am losing my mother! I am
angry! You are different and I am angry! All Dad does is fuss
after you and I am angry because everything else is falling apart
Mom! You fix everything for us and now you are never yourself.
So I am angry, I don't hate you. I am just angry that you are not
my mother anymore. I miss you, I miss laughing at Qhayiya with
you. I miss us and now that's all gone. You forgot our song, you
forgot the lyrics to our song Mom so I am angry. I don't hate
you"
Me" I am sorry"
Hlalumi" Don't be sorry Mom! Get better!!!!! I need you to get
better!"
I did something I never thought I would do. I called Lona after
my chat with Hlalumi, I wanted to call my own friends but
knowing them, they would come back to PE and camp at my
house until they fix Hlalumi and I. I didn't need fixing, I needed
someone who knew my mother.
Me" Hey"
"Lona, did my mother ever say I was a bad child? Ever complain
about me?"
Lona" Hey, what's wrong?"
Me" Hlalumi is so angry at me and I don't know how to fix it"
Lona" If I knew how to fix things, then my daughter wouldn't be
in England right now. She is back for the her summer vacation
and she can't wait to leave"
We both laughed
Me" We are throwing her a party"
"She is turning thirteen"
Lona" Yea, I know, we will get there Saturday morning"
"I have an idea! I have to call Thabang and Nathan, but I think
this will benefit everyone. I will call you back later"
Me" Okay"
She laughed
Lona" You'll thank me later"
I went back downstairs to make Hlalumi and I hot chocolate. My
phone vibrated, it was a text from Lona.
"We will all arrive tomorrow morning with our children. It's
time our kids become best friends. Yanga promised to invite
Oyama and Sive's kids too. This will make Hlalumi bond with the
others, and this is not a solution I know but it's a way to show
our children that they will never be alone. Even when we not
here anymore"
Chapter 28
"Mommmmmmmmmy!"
Yanga and I laughed, he barged in the room and stood next to
me.
Qhayiya" Hlalumi said threw my slime away"
The door opened again, it was Hlalumi
Yanga" What did he do?"
Hlalumi" He jumped on the bed while I was still sleeping"
Qhayiya" I wanted to play with you Hlahla"
Hlalumi" I'm not your friend! Stay out of my room!"
Yanga" Nugget don't you think that's mean?"
Hlalumi" I hate him Dad! He is always taking my things and you
guys take his side"
Me" That's what little brother's do though Hlalumi, he just
wants your attention"
Yanga" Why can't you play with him?"
Hlalumi" I'd like one day! Where I don't have to deal with him!
Just one day!"
Qhayiya" I am sorry ke"
Hlalumi" I hate you!"
Yanga" I know it's your birthday but you cannot treat your
brother like that! You will apologize"
Hlalumi" Andifuni!"
"I hate Qhayiya, and I don't want him at my party"
Yanga" You not getting a party Hlalumi, not if you behave like
that"
Hlalumi" You all hate me!!!"
"Now Dad you take his side but he was wrong"
Yanga" You can't hate your brother, he is your family. When
your mother and I are no longer here, it will just be the two of
you Hlahla"
"I am sorry that he jumped on your bed, I know you hate that"
She was in tears and I knew Yanga would cross the ocean for
Hlalumi, and her being in tears was not an option.
Yanga" Go bath, we will go get waffles together"
He got up and went to hug her.
"Daddy loves you Nugget"
Qhayiya and I laughed because Yanga always falls for the tear
trap.
Qhayiya" I was jumping on her bed because I wanted her to see
her gift"
"I worked hard on it"
I could tell he was disappointed and that broke my heart.
Me" Myeke, we can watch tv together and order pizza"
" I love you"
He ran out of the room.
Yanga" I thought we would all go out for waffles"
Me" Hlalumi wants you, just assure her that I'm not dying. She
is just worried about me and is taking it out on Qhayiya"
Yanga" I enjoyed what you and Lona did yesterday"
Me" So did the kids, sucks that Qhama missed it"
Yanga" He wouldn't have enjoyed it"
"Qhama is no longer a child and you treat him like one. He is
almost Dr Kwayi"
Me" As if you don't treat him like a child, I know about your
secret calls to him"
He laughed
Yanga" Hey, I met Qhama when he was 9 years old. He is
practically our first child"
"Also; befofe you bite my head off, I made a purchase for him"
Me" What did you get?"
Yanga" A car"
Me" A new car?"
Yanga" Second hand but he deserves a car"
"You not shouting at me"
Me" I stopped wasting my time like that"
"Can we afford that, we both don't work"
Yanga" I am working again remember? I am a state prosecutor
now, I'm arguing my first case on Tuesday"
"And we can afford these things, you and I invested in
Thabang's energy company. We have shares at the mine,
Nathan included everyone who could raise the capital for that.
And I am still a consultant for the Montgomery group. We are
fine, we have money"
Me" Okay"
He kissed me
Yanga" Wanna relive how we created those two ugly kids?"
I laughed
Me" Maybe lock the door"
Yanga" Great idea. I'll lock while you get naked"
Hlulumi's party was out of this world, we even caught a glimpse
of her laughing with Qhayiya. His gift? Was a beanie that Yanga
got at some conference so he only brought one. He gave it to
Qhayiya since he was the youngest, then gave Hlalumi a pen. So
Qhama gave Hlalumi his beanie a birthday present and made
paper hats that look the same for the five of us, that way no
one felt left out.
Yanga"Look at those three idiots. We deserve better than them.
At least I have you, I mean you are weird too, but you brought
light into my life so I accept you"
I hit his shoulder laughing at the thing he was saying.
Me" I love you old man"
Yanga" Hahaha you are not that young anymore"
Me" You wish I wasn't"
"You are lucky that I am into to old men"
He grabbed me then pulled me closer to him and kissed me.
Me" Should we take this inside?"
He laughed
Yanga" No one, just wanted to test a theory"
" And yep, you still love me"
I laughed
Me" You thought I didn't?"
Yanga" I know you do, but love without passion is sometimes a
thing"
Me" Well, not with us, I love you"
He looked at me and smiled
Yanga" You said that for the first time 15 years ago"
"You were so nervous, and I know the first time that I met you
that I wanted you to have my children"
Me" Nyani?"
Yanga" Yazini. It has always been you baby, you are the only
woman in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life
with. You. And those 3 weirdos"
Me" Yanga"
"Thank you for choosing me"
Yanga" I'll do it a thousand times again"
Qhayiya pulled my dress
"Mommy please come, York wants to play soccer" .
I laughed because he was probably forcing York to play soccer.
Sange's son doesn't care for anything just wants to be around
his father qha.
Me" Okay, go get him ke"
Yanga" Tie your shoe laces"
He quickly did then ran.
"He is definitely your son"
I laughed
Me" Well he looks like you"
Yanga" That's the only thing, character he is definitely yours"
"Baby, let me go the the other men"
We kissed
Me" Sho"
Tuesday morning we all got up were ready for a good day. I
made breakfast, we ate, Qhama and Yanga went to fetch the car
yesterday. Today we were all supporting Yanga's big day.
Hlalumi" I call short gun, I'm riding with Mommy and uncle
Qhama"
Yanga" Hlahla, that's what Qhayiya wanted. He hasn't been in
the new car"
Hlalumi" But Dad I called short gun, and Qhayiya always goes
with Mom"
Me" I'll ride with Dad, and you all go with Qhama"
Qhayiya" Nope, I'll go with Dad"
Me" Why?"
Qhayiya" I hid my party sweets in his car"
We all laughed. I kissed my husband.
Me" I love you, knock it out of the park"
Yanga" Yes! Now I am fighting for good"
Qhama" Good Luck"
" What's the plan again?,
Me" You drop me off in court. Then these two go to Thabang
and Bahle, we will see you guys afterwards"
Qhama" I don't get why we can't go straight to the hotel"
Yanga laughed
Yanga" They want to see where the magic happens"
"Lets go"
Me" I love you tshongo bubi"
He smiled
Qhayiya" I love you too Mommy"
"I won't eat all those sweets"
Yanga" He will, best believe"
"I love you Nugget"
Hlalumi" Love you too Dad"
Yanga" Qhama, drive safe. And I'm proud of you"
Qhama" Thanks Bhuti"
"We will be safe"
Him and I hugged before he got into the car.
Me" See you later"
Yanga" See you later"
New Brighton court is literally a minute away from the police
station. The first time I watched Yanga argue a case here, he
was still a criminal lawyer and an arrogant one. I was so in love
and impressed by him.
We were literally at the police station gate when 3 cars cut us
off and three men got out of the car and people started running
as the gunshots went. I tried to open the door and Qhama
pulled my arm, I yanked it away from him and ran. As the cars
were speeding off and the police where finally on the scene.
The police station is 60 seconds away from the New Brighton
court.
"Yanga!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I fought through the crowd, my husband's lifeless body was on
the pavement and people were watching.
"Yanga!!!!!! Yanga!!!!!! VUKA!!!!!!
Phakama!!!!!!.....no..no!!!.....no!!!!!
Yanga....Yanga....Please!!!!.... You....Yanga!!!!"
I got up and screamed when I saw my son.
Me" Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!"
"No! A.a no!"
Someone pulled me away and I fought them off me.
"Qhayiya....Yanga!!!!...... "
*
*
*
*
*
*
"We did everything we could but ........"
The doctor said before they told me Qhayiya died on the
operating table.
"I wanna see him"
I don't know much about life, but if anyone could ask me; what
is the most painful thing about life?, I'd definitely say Death.
Death is painful, it's dark and it doesn't go away. It's a constant,
it steals happiness, it always waiting in the corner that to
remind you that life hurts and we are living on borrowed time.
That's the most painful thing about life, it's death.
"Let mommy sing for you, so you can sleep"
" It's a little bit funny, this feelin' inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money, but boy, if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live
If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelin' show
Oh, I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind"
Chapter 29
Viwe" Yazini"
I looked at him and smiled, he has been glued to me the entire
weekend.
Me" I'm fine"
Viwe" You are not tired or anything?"
" We can take a walk"
I wanted to say something but I couldn't find the right words.
That's the part that annoyed me the most, my inability to form
sentences. I sometimes forgot the most basic words.
Me" Okay"
Viwe" We are going for a walk, we'll be back"
Everyone just said;
" Okay"
Viwe and I left. He kept on stealing glances and not saying
anything.
Me" Viwe"
He looked at me, then ahead again. It's like he was thinking how
to say it. Whatever he wanted to say.
"Siyaphi?"
Viwe" The first time Andrew and I spoke was because he saw
me crying. I think I was eleven years old, we all went to the
same school but we were not friends. Then one day in class, I
saw the date and I started crying because it was my mother's
birthday and she had just passed away. He was the only person
that stood up and let me cry without even knowing why I was
crying, he didn't ask, he just let me cry until I couldn't anymore
and when I was done; he wiped my tears and we never spoke
about it again"
"So I am going to let you cry, I won't say anything. You will cry
until you can't anymore, and then we will seat here until the
anger passes. No matter how long it takes. I'll seat here with
you"
I haven't cried, I can't cry because that would mean I am
accepting this.
Me" No"
Viwe" Okay"
"But we are still walking"
We carried on walking in silence. A white BMW drove by us.
Viwe" You want to go back?"
I looked at him, then I remembered the first time I met them all.
How I came to know them. How they were always around, and
why they were always around.
Me" He died"
"Yanga died! Qhayiya died!"
That's when the pain rushed in. It was at that moment that
everything in my body was painful. It was like I could feel every
stab, I wanted to die at this moment. I wanted to die. I didn't
want to feel this, I don't wanna feel this pain.
Me" I...c..an't.... a.a... I... God!"
"I'm Yanga, wait, advocate Yanga Baliso, you can take a
picture of my number plate if that will make you comfortable"
"Mommy! Please sleep next to me tonight"
The memories came rushing back to me.
"I love you Yazini, I can't wait to grow old with you"
"Look at those three idiots, those are our children. God! We
deserved better than them. At least I have you, I mean you are
weird too, but you brought light into my life so I will accept
you"
"Mom, Hlalumi says you don't love me. Please tell her, I'm
your favorite child. Go ahead Mommy, she needs to hear the
truth"
"If Dad is Yanga and you are Yazini, why didn't you name
Yaqhayiya. See? Then we we will be Ya Ya Ya. Almost cool"
"Hey babe. I love you. But don't sing, we don't deserve that
sort of punishment"
"Sleep Mommy, I'll sing your song for you. I love you"
"Smile. You married Yanga Baliso, a lot of women would kill to
be you. So smile and enjoy having an awesome husband.
Hahaha I love you baby"
I didn't stop crying for a while, when I finally did, I just wanted
to see my daughter. So Viwe and I walked back to my place.
"Where is Qhama?"
I asked Thabang, everyone seemed to be in their own world.
"He left, he said he needed to think"
I nodded.
Lona" We'll go, just call if you need anything"
They all hugged me, each person leaving and when they were
all gone. The house was empty, it was quiet and I could hear the
walls talk.
Hlalumi" Mommy, I don't wanna be here"
" Please"
She was wearing Yanga's sweater and Qhayiya's beanie.
Me" Pack a few clothes and we'll go"
I sent Qhama a text;
"We are going to a guest house, I'll book you a room. In case
you come back"
I went to pack myself a bag, took his pillow. I closed the door,
and walked pass Qhayiya's room. Hlalumi was in there crying.
"I said I hated him. He died thinking I hated him"
"Mom, I didn't hate him"
Me" I know baby, I know"
Hlalumi" I am sorry Qhayiya! I am sorry!"
I think there a certain shift in the world when someone you love
dies. Death is unfair, I have lost so much but I still haven't
mastered the art of dealing with it. I don't ever want to know
how to deal with the pain that comes from it.
Hlalumi and I went back to the house after a week in the guest
house. She had to go back to school, and I needed to figure out
how we will survive. How we will afford everything.
Sange" Solly will take Hlalumi to school"
I was surprised they were all still here because I thought they
left.
Khanya" We can just go to the bank and to his lawyers"
"Yazini"
I looked around and waited, there seemed to be something I
was missing.
" Just give her a few minutes"
Hlalumi said, she walked towards me and gave me a kiss.
"I won't go to school. I can look after her"
Lona" No, go to school"
"We are all here for a reason, you go and be a child"
I looked at them, I wondered did they know that Yanga died or
am I suppose to tell them. Or That Qhayiya died too, I
wondered if they would also cry the way that I did when I
watched my husband being gunned down. While my son was in
the car, I wondered will they also scream like I did, will they fall
apart like I did. Then be numb soon after, because they will
realize that tears don't change anything.
Me" Yanga died"
"He died and I don't know what to do next"
I looked around and waited for someone to say something.
Me" Qhayiya died because I wanted to prove to Hlalumi that I
love her just as much as I love him. My son died and I feel like
someone ripped out my heart"
Sange" Don't do that. You don't get to blame yourself"
Me" I miss him"
"I miss my son so much"
She held my hand
Me" I cannot do this without Yanga. I never planned on life
without him"
"Mom, we will be fine"
Hlalumi said and I actually believed her. I smiled and she finally
left with Solly.
Me" Take care of my daughter, I never want her miss her
childhood because she thinks I need her to take care of me"
"We break cycles in this house"
Sange" I promise"
Qhama" No, I'll take care of Hlalumi. Let me take care of
everything"
Me" No!"
Qhama" I'll take care of Hlalumi, she is my niece after all"
"You did it for me, now let me do this for you"
Chapter 30
It's been a year since Yanga and Qhayiya passed away.
Hlalumi" Mom, the nurse is upstairs"
"Don't go outside without her"
I nodded, I wondered if I was that far gone that they felt the
need to get me a nurse.
Me" Happy Birthday Nugget, 14 years is a big girl age"
She hugged me
Hlalumi" Thanks Mom"
"I have to go. Will you be okay?"
I nodded. She finally left, I went straight upstairs because I
wanted to sleep. The red box caught my eye and I couldn't help
but reminisce;
"Smile"
"You know I don't get your fascination with this movie"'
He walked to the tv and switched it off and I threw a pillow at
him.
"Life is not a movie"
He threw himself to the bed then pulled me closer to snuggle
him.
"Will you remind me everyday?"
I asked him, he pulled me closer then kissed my shoulder. I
wanted to stay like this with him. Forever.
" Life isn't a movie Yazini. So I don't know, I don't wanna
promise you things that I can't control"
He said
"Then promise me what you can control"
He laughed
"I once told you, I don't make promises"
We both laughed because he always reminds me about this.
Yanga" I love you, that I know, you are my wife, that I know,
you are the only person I want to have these moments with
but I wouldn't remind you"
"I would like to skip the moments I almost lost you, the years
that I spent without you. I want to skip the moments when
you regretted being with me, the days you even doubted my
love. I want to skip the times you let someone else touch you
where I should have touched you, the times you felt like death
was better than being alive. I want to wipe the sadness away
from you, so I would skip the bad times and just make you fall
in love without the baggage"
We made love after he said that, it was emotional, it was slow
and sensual, the pleasure was running through my body and I
let out a soft moan before closing my eyes.
"I love you"
I said as I straddled him and riding him slowly, this was one of
the best sex we've had in a while.
"I love you too"
We took a bath together afterwards, he ran the water while I
sat in bed waiting for him to call me.
"Ndize"
He peeped and nodded. I ran to the bathroom.
"Happy Anniversary babe"
I giggled
"You forgot"
He said and I laughed, I really forgot about it.
Me" Can we blame it on my pregnancy brain?"
He kissed my forehead
Yanga" Nope, just blaming you for being a bad wife. Now I
have to take back all those gifts"
I raised my brows and he laughed. We finished taking a bath
and he led me to our room, we both got dressed.
"You can open that box"
I ran to the box and I opened it, I was confused at it. It was just
a bunch of newspapers.
"Open everything"
He said with a huge smile on his face, I opened the first one
and I saw a certificate.
"Yanga"
He giggled
"Just read! To think you were once a broker"
I laughed at the comment,I opened all the certificates and
then finally read it.
"You bought me stock?"
He bought stock on Netflix, Uber, Apple Inc, and Johnson and
Johnson.
Yanga" Happy Anniversary Yazini"
I don't know how I survived a year without him, I miss Qhayiya
even more. And for once I was actually thankful for my short
team memory, I was grateful for the moments I didn't even
remember them. Or the days I actually forgot they died. Some
days I spoke to him, and I swear to God he sometimes replies. I
don't know if I can ever move on from Yanga. I never want to
move on from Yanga, I will never forgive myself for losing
Qhayiya. My son died and I stayed.
"Yaya"
I looked up and Qhama was standing there, he was wearing a
white coat and I smiled at him.
"I hate it, I look stupid"
I laughed
Me"No you don't"
"Coming back from work?"
He nodded, he got inside and closed the door.
Qhama" What's wrong?"
I smiled
Me" Nothing, I am good. You okay?"
Qhama" I am tired. I miss how things were"
" I miss you, the old you"
I held his face then kissed his forehead, I wiped his tears.
" You know it gets worse"
"I am sorry Qhama"
He cried on my chest and I let him, he needed this. I needed
this from him.
Me" I am proud of you"
" You see that box? It has everything you'll need when I pass
away. You two will be taken care of, you'll never have to worry
about that"
He looked at me.
Qhama" Yazini please"
"I don't want you to die"
Me" Me too. I'm so scared, but I can't live like this. I am not
okay with living like this"
"You'll be fine Qhama. You'll meet someone who loves you, who
will marry you and have your children. Who will show you that
there is more to life than sadness. You just need to open your
heart and let her love you the way you deserve to be loved. Live
your life, uyeva Qhama? Live. Never waste a Saturday"
Qhama" You said you'll always be with me until we old and
smelly"
"You promised me Yazini. You said you will always come back for
me"
I gave him my journal
"Read the first page out loud"
"I have lived in the shadows for so long, sadness was all I've
ever known. Maybe that's what happens when you love the
people you love, that's the price you pay for never letting go of
all the sadness. You live in shadows.
I have spent my life apologizing for things that were never my
fault to begin with. I apologized for what my mother did to
Claire Montgomery-Rhodes, I apologized to Qhama because he
was forced to grow up without both his parents and he was
suddenly stuck with me as a parent, I apologized to my
grandmother for my mother dying and thinking she would love
us because we were her grandchildren. I apologized to Hlalumi
because she had to stop lost her father and was stuck with my
mother that wasn't well, you know. To Qhayiya because he died
before he could even enjoy his life. I had to apologize to my
husband because I forced him to work for the good guys and he
died because of me. To Sange and Khanya because I'd never
babysit for the the way they babysat Qhama for me. To my in
laws because they lost their son and grandchildren, yet their
daughter in law was too much of a mess to let them grieve
without her forcing e everyone to call Yanga. To Yanga's friends,
who are now stuck with me instead of him and they have no
choice because they are good people.
In my apologies I then smile because I had parents that loved
me, my mother gave me a little brother, Qhama was the best
thing about me, and the year I spent with Claire was both
bittersweet, because Qhama and I had a guest that we both
liked. I smile because I met Khanya and Sange, they taught me
that family isn't always about blood relation. I smile because
their love for me broke so many walls that I had built, I am
always grateful for them. Because of them I gave Yanga a
chance, because of them Qhama finally found a father figure.
So yes, I smile through the hard times because my brother and I
found a family with a man who has a dog named Giant, a man
who wants to love us and take care of us. A man who looks at
me like I am the best thing on Earth since wine, who loves my
brother like his own child. His friends who welcomed and
accepted my brother and I, made us feel like we were part of
their family. My children; Hlalumi and Qhayiya, because of them
I learned that love is unconditional when it comes to your own
children. That I could slay dragons not just for Qhama only but
for them too. I learned that one song, can mean the world to
them because it's something we share together.
So I am ready for my memories to be in shambles because I
have loved and been hurt the same amount of times. I have
met the love of my life, gave him children, gave Qhama an
education. I did that! When it seemed impossible, I did it!. I may
forget, but some things are written in the stars. It's been
amazing, I have been through hell and back, I wouldn't change
anything. I made it to my 35th birthday, anything after that is
just a blessing from God.
So, cry because it hurts right now. But never forget to smile
through the pain. It has always beeen part of my inheritance,
and that's okay"

...............................THE END......................

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