A Deadly Performance A Glove Theater Movie

script by Ray Hillhouse

The film starts off with an animated character

named Flower Shop Guy working at the
concession stand at The Glove Theater where
he’s heckling a random customer

Flower Shop Guy

(talking to Random Customer with a sarcastic
voice)
Welcome to the cholesterol bar,we’ve got the
finest assortment of sweets and overly salty foods
On the market.

Random Customer
(talking to Flower Shop Guy in an annoyed
voice)
And how is that gut wrenching description gonna
make me want to buy food?!

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Flower Shop Guy(annoyed voice)
Look lady,I’m here to earn extra bucks, not to give
glowing reviews about the same old food they’ve
been serving in movie theaters for years!

Random Customer then tells Flower Shop Guy

her order which is a large popcorn with a coke
where Flower Shop Guy then makes a
suggestive remark about the customer while
looking at her cleavage before getting her the
order and asking if she wants candy with her
order

Random Customer
Ok, I’ll have a large popcorn with a drink.

Flower Shop Guy(snarky voice)

So, how big are your cans?

Random Customer(mad voice)

What?!

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Flower Shop Guy(correcting himself)
I meant how many cans of soda do you want?

Random Customer(relieved voice)

Actually I would like one coke please.

Flower Shop(sarcastic voice)

Great, now would you like some candy to go with
your coke to give yourself an even further sugar
high?!

Random Customer(sweet voice)

Yes, I would also like one box of M and Ms,
(slight pause), if you don’t mind.

Flower Shop Guy(annoyed voice)

Well toots your total is ten dollars, now take your
food and leave before I eat your food myself!

Then Random customer gives Flower Shop

Guy his money then it cuts to Random
Customer slowly and angrily to her seat

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Random Customer(disgruntled voice)
I’m surprised you get any customers, the way you
act!

Then the camera pans to two rows of theater

seats in the front of the theater as Random
Customer takes a seat in the back row

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In the back row sit a bunch of normal theater
goers but in the front row sit a bunch of
strange goons including a guy in a fancy
looking clown costume(including a creepy
clown mask) parody of actor Marlin Brando’s
character from The Godfather called The
Clownfather, his brother who’s a parody of
Ronald Mcdonald called Psychosis The
Clown,a creepy person in an Easter Bunny
costume, Death who is also a person in a grim
reaper costume, an elderly queen like figure
with a creepy look in her eye named Madam
Snootens,three ventriloquist dummies who are
brothers named Sacco, Charles, and Percy,
and their goofy friend who’s a blue puppet
named Wheezy

Psychosis The Clown

So brother, are you excited for the show?

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The Clownfather
I have my doubts.

Psychosis The Clown

I thought you liked Shakespeare.

The Clownfather
Eh, there’s not enough death and brutality in
these stories.

Psychosis The Clown

Can you at least try to enjoy the show, unlike
those puppet freaks over there.

It cuts to Sacco, Charles,Percy, and Wheezy

are talking about various plays

Wheezy(talking to Percy)
Hey Sacco…

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Percy
Actually I’m Percy.

Wheezy
Oh sorry, Percy what happens in Hamlet?

Percy
Jesus Christ Wheezy, haven’t you ever seen The
Lion King?!

Wheezy
Yeah, I have.

Percy
Then you’ve seen Hamlet,because both stories
are the same.

Wheezy
So you're saying that in Hamlet Timone and
Pumbaa kill Mufasa to take over pride rock?

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Percy
Wheezy,just be quiet and enjoy the show!

Then it cuts to the stage where the manager of

The Glove Theater named Mike walks onto the
stage and does an introduction to the play
which is a raunchy compilation of
Shakespeare plays
Called Shakespeare’s Brothel

Mike
Hi everyone, my name is Mike and I welcome you
to The Glove Theater, for our performance. Now
most of you are familiar with the works of
William Shakesperre, but in this play you’ll
experience his stories like you’ve never seen
them before, with less heart and adventure, and
more titillation, as we show you our play which we
call Shakesperre’s Brothel!

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Audience
(cheers)!

As Mike walks away the curtains open

revealing a set of an ancient town where a
scene of Romeo and Juliet where Juliet is
played by a beautiful lady with purple hair
wearing a revealing gothic purple and black
dress with skeleton heads and spider webs on
it named Princess Taylor is saying a dramatic
line until she realizes that Ray(myself) who is
supposed to play Romeo is nowhere to be
found so she impatiently calls out to him and
addresses him as Romeo

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Princess Taylor
(overly dramatic voice and she starts to
seductively undo her dress showing off some
of her chest)
Oh why art thou our parents such divided as by
class, stature, and wealth as I sit here weeping
while I call on my Romeo, as the massive bosom
of burden and shame are upon me…!

You can hear someone behind the stage

laughing as Princess Taylor calls them out

Random Dude(goofy voice)

(laughing hard),she said bosom!

Princess Taylor
Stop laughing! What are you two?!

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Random dude
(slight chuckle),alright, I’ll stop.

Princess Taylor(looking at audience)

As I was saying Where art thou Romeo!

Growing impatient Princess Taylor looks to

the right side of the stage and yells out for
romeo played by Ray come come on stage

Princess Taylor
Where are you and why are you called Romeo?!

Ray’s voice
What?

Princess Taylor
Just walk onto the stage you little shit!

Then Ray struts onto the stage

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(goofy kazoo music starts to play)

Audience
(cheering)!

Ray
Uh…

Then as Ray is on stage he gets confused as

the camera pans to the audience looking
awkwardly at Ray as Cricket noises play

Then Ray forgetting his lines pretends to be

Hamlet making the audience laugh

Ray
Hello fellow theater nerds I’m Hamlet,I’m the hero
of this story!

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It cuts to the audience laughing

Audience
(laughing)!

Ray
(talking to Princess Taylor in a goofy voice)By
the way lady, love the revealing outfit, it makes
you look like a genuine damsel in distress!

Princess Taylor confused confronts Ray about

why he’s not playing the character of Romeo

Princess Taylor
Ray, what are you doing, why aren't you playing
as Romeo?!

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Ray
Who’s Romeo my lady, he sounds like a genuine
casanova,(chuckling).

It cuts once again to the audience laughing

then it cuts to The Clownfather and Psychosis
The Clown talking to each other about how
funny the show is

Audience
(laughing)!
The Clownfather
Normally I don’t watch these old timey plays, but
this is simply hilarious,(laughing)!

Psychosis The Clown

I agree, I can barely contain my laughter,
(slight pause), and my undying appetite for
mayhem and destruction,(laughing)!

The Clownfather
It’s not that, it’s that Juliet and Hamlet have such
good chemistry.

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Psychosis The Clown
It’s either that or Juliet wants to murder Hamlet.

Then it cuts back to the play where Ray still

pretending to be Hamlet keeps on messing
with Princess Taylor where after making a
sadistic but funny remark about why he’s not
Romeo he pulls out a skull head which he
named Chuck Norris which he uses to make
some more jokes about
Princess Taylor
Seriously, didn’t you read the script?!

Ray
I did, but I wasn't a fan of Romeo, so I decided to
be Hamlet instead.

Princess Taylor
So Then what happened to Romeo?!

Ray
Romeo? Romeo’s dead baby.

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Princess Taylor(annoyed voice)
What?!

Ray
I even have a skeleton head just like he
does,which I named Chuck Norris.

Princess Taylor
That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!

Ray
(gasp),Juliet, how dare you disrespect Chuck
Norris!

Then Mike steps on stage to narrate the next

scene which is the famous warlock scene from
Romeo and Juliet with the Warlock being
played by an ugly hunchback prince named
Prince Boger who creeps onto the stage with
everyone unaware that his back has a knife
stabbed in it

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And who’s voice is an impression of famous
actor Peter Lorie who tells Juliet and Hamlet in
the play to drink the potion before collapsing
on the floor and dying

Prince Boger
Why hello there lovers, I see that you are
unhappy with (coughing out blood) your marriage.

Ray(confused voice)
Marriage?

Princess Taylor
Mike
Hello everyone,I’m just walking on stage to
narrate the next scene.

It cuts to The Clown father and

Death(who is also a person wearing a
costume) are talking about the next scene
The ClownFather
Things are about to get good.

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Death(majestic voice)
I agree, for the death scene happening next, will
be quite enthralling.

Then it cuts back to Mike Narrating

Mike
It was a sad time for Juliet being struck with grief
and the urge for sexual pleasure, she decided to
seek the help of an ancient warlock to end her life.

Prince Boger creeps on stage

Prince Boger
Why Hello young Juliet and Romeo…
(slight pause), I mean young Hamlet I see your
(coughing out blood)stricken with
grief(menacing chuckle).

Ray
What are you talking about? I’m perfectly happy
right now.

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Princess Taylor
Are you crazy?! We barely even know each other!

Prince Boger
Don’t worry darling, you and your true love can be
together forever with the help of this
(coughing up blood),(extreme grunting in
pain),(wheezing),
(Prince Boger falls face first dead revealing
the knife in his back)!!!

After Prince Boger falls onto the ground some

puss squirts out of some of his gross pimples

Ray(funny voice)
Damn, can you believe this guy, he fell asleep as
he was performing,(chuckling).

Princess Taylor notices that Prince Boger is

dead and tries to tell Ray

Princess Taylor
(gasp),Um Ray…

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Ray
What is it princess?

Princess Taylor
Prince Boger,(slight pause), I think… he’s dead.

Then after showing more puss squirting from

Prince Boger’s pimples done with a fart noise
it cuts to the opening credits for the movie as
the camera shows shots of The Glove Theater
Museum and scenes from public domain
movies as the song Lay Down by Priestess
plays
as the opening credits also appear on screen

In the next scene fades to Ray’s room with

Ray waking up and talking to his stuffed bear
named Bruce

Ray
(yawning),(stretches),(phew),It was just a
dream.
Ray picks up his stuffed on Bruce

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Ray(talking to Bruce)
Isn’t that right Bruce?

The camera sits still on a few minutes of Bruce

doing nothing then it shows Ray walking down
the stairs of his house dressed in his
signature attire which is a green St.Patrick’s
Day shirt and hat while also wearing jeans and
after walking downstairs to the living room
where he sees Dusty who is a girl he lives with
as he sits down on the sofa with a box of
cereal and milk in his hands

Ray
(yawning), good morning Dusty.

Ray sits down on the sofa next to Dusty and

as Dusty is talking to Ray she slowly squeezes
next to him

Dusty
Good morning Ray,how did you sleep

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Ray
Not too good, considering the terrible nightmare I
had.

Dusty
What was it about?

It then shows a flashback version of Prince

Boger’s death scene as Ray’s voice can be
heard narrating it

Ray
In this dream I was performing Shakespeare at
The Glove Theater with what looked to be a
princess. We were recreating the famous potion
scene from Romeo And Juliet, with a deformed
and ugly man named Prince Boger who was
about to hand us the potion until he fell to the
ground with a knife in his back,I’ll admit I didn’t
take it that seriously because I thought he was
acting, until the princess I was acting with told me
he was dead. Thank god it was only a dream.

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Dusty(awkward voice)
Yeah.

Ray
Now that that’s done, let’s eat some breakfast.

Ray ends up pouring the box of cereal and a

ton of milk on himself

Ray(puts his thumbs up)

Mm that was good.

Then it cuts to Ray at a butcher shop talking to

a hideous live action butcher named T.Bone
Steak

Dusty(talking to Ray)
If what happened in your dream is true,then are
you sure you want to say hi to everyone you know
in town?

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Ray(talking to Dusty Then T.Bone Steak)
You know you worry too much. Oh hi T.Bone
Steak.

Then the camera pauses on T.Bone Steak’s

face which would be made of gross looking
practical effects as he slowly opens his mouth
showing off his gross ultra detailed gums and
teeth as green booger like slime slowly drips
from his mouth before talking to Ray

T.Bone Steak
(growling),(more growling),Oh hi Ray.

Ray
(stammering),How’s it going T.Bone?

The camera zooms in uncomfortably close to

T.Bone Steak’s hideous face before
responding to Ray

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T.Bone Steak(talking to Ray)
(more viscous growling),Yes. Also there’s a cow
behind you.

Then the camera cuts to behind Ray where it

shows an obese guy eating a giant tub of fried
chicken

Fried Chicken Dude(waving to Ray)

Hey man.(burping)!

Ray(talking to T.Bone Steak)

That’s not very nice, you shouldn’t make fun of a
guy because of his weight.

T.Bone Steak(pointing behind Ray)

No, there's literally an anthropomorphic dairy cow
behind you!

Then it shows a talking cartoon dairy cow

standing on two legs behind Ray waving to the
audience

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Dairy Cow(goofy voice)
Moo-ving on today are we?

Ray looks at the cow and then looks back at

T.Bone Steak

Ray(talking to T.Bone Steak)

Huh, I guess there was a cow behind me after all.

T.Bone Steak looks behind him at a set of two

doors where he calls for his partner Named
Loomis where Loomis a biker with a freaky
looking realistic pig head comes out and
drags the cow into the kitchen behind T.Bone
Steak where the audience can hear Loomis
chopping up the cow with an ax as he’s
screaming and a large puddle of blood can be
seen dripping down the kitchen door window

T.Bone Steak
Loomis, apprehend this cow so that he can
become last week’s dinner!

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When Loomis walks through the kitchen doors
he uncomfortably stares at the audience
before squealing and dragging the cow back
into the kitchen

Loomis Pig
(creepy pause),(loud pig squeal),With pleasure!

Cow
Hey take your hands off me,for cows have rights
too!

After the cow gets dragged into the kitchen

the audience can see the doors moving
around before stopping shut

T.Bone Steak
No they don’t.

Loomis Pig
(evil laughter)!

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Cow
(loud mooing and screaming)!!!!

After the audience sees the large pool of blood

slowly and ominously dripping down the
kitchen door window Dusty gets
uncomfortable suggesting to Ray that they
should leave the butcher shop which Ray
agrees where it then shows Ray and Dusty in a
hospital where it first shows a hospital check
in table where a young male patient in his
early 20s is aggressively asking a doctor
When the female nurse is gonna be ready for
him

Receptionist(annoyed voice)
Welcome to the hospital. Why are you here?!

Male Patient
When’s the beautiful female doctor going to see
me?!

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Receptionist(still annoyed)
What’s the matter, you break all the bones in your
weiner?!

Male Patient
I’m still waiting for her to give me her sixth rectal
examination!

Then it cuts to Ray and Dusty in a surgery

room as they watch a puppet doctor named
Doctor Dudeguy removing a bullet from a
guy’s leg

Dr.Dudeguy
Hello there Ray,it seems you’ve caught me at a
strange time, but I can still talk to you.

Ray
You should’ve seen the dream I had last night.

Dr.Dudeguy
Did it have to do with an ugly prince dying after
getting stabbed in the back with a knife?

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Ray
How did you know?

As Dr.Dudeguy is talking to Ray he pulls out a

flier for the Shakespeirre’s Brothel play from
the beginning of the movie which shows a
scantily clad princess with Shakespeare next
to her with a smug smiling holding up a skull
head with a hot dog in it’s mouth

Dr.Dudeguy
Let’s say a grape in a vineyard told me so.

Ray
You mean you heard it through a grapevine.

Dr.Dudeguy(snarky voice)
Yeah,but who’s the doctor around here, me or
you?!

Ray
Sorry,but if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of
surgery are you performing?

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Dr.Dudeguy
I’m removing a massive bullet from the patient's
leg.

Then the film shows the audience an

uncomfortable closeup of Dr.Dudeguy cutting
open the patient’s leg and using tweezers to
remove the bullet and sewing the wound shut

Dr.Dudeguy
It just so happened that this lady had a fatal
encounter with a bank robber.

Dusty
Ray, this is disgusting, why are we watching this?

Ray
I dunno Dusty, I think it’s kinda cool.

Dr.Dudeguy
And that is how you surgically remove a bullet.

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After being Grossed Out Dusty Vomits into a
trash can

Dusty
(barfing)!

Ray then puts his hand on Dusty's should to tell

her that they have to go to the theater

Ray
Don’t look now Dusty,but after you get done losing
your breakfast we have to go to the theater, for we
have a murder to solve.

Dusty
I was Afraid you’d say that.

The next scene shows Princess Taylor waking

up after she spent the night in the closet
sleeping on a pile of clothes after a massive
hangover which she sorta still has

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Princess Taylor
(yawning),Thank goodness it was only a dream.

Princess Taylor gets up and starts walking

until she faceplants where Ray then walks in
with his girlfriend Dusty and his grossly
deformed friend Gloria holding on to his
shoulders

Princess Taylor
(growing), I don’t think this morning could
possibly get any worse!

Ray
Wassup princess!

Princess Taylor
I was wrong! (slight pause),You know Ray, last
night I had the most wonderful dream.

Ray
Really?

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Princess Taylor(proud voice)
A dream away from you!

Ray
Wow.

Dusty
Hey man!

Gloria
That’s cold!

Dusty
Don’t worry Ray, we still love you.

Dusty and Gloria hug Ray

Ray
Also Princess, why are you in the closet?

Princess Taylor
What?! I just had a massive hangover, that's all.

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Ray(sarcastic voice)
Well then bloody Mary we’ll meet you downstairs.
Come on ladies.

Then it cuts to the theater where two animated

police officers(officer Wayne and Officer
Stacy) are standing next to caution tape where
Prince Boger’s body is inside under a giant
puddle of green booger-like goo and an
ominous white mask is on the floor next to
Officer Stacy

Officer Wayne
I’ve been an officer for ten years, and I’ve never
seen a crime scene like this.

It shows a pimple pop on Prince Boger as

puss squirts out as it makes a fart noise

Officer Stacy
Any evidence honey?

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Officer Wayne
Hmm… Nothing except this mask.

Then it does a camera angle(Officer Wayne

and Officer Stacy are not in the shot) with Ray
bending down and picking up the mask

Ray(evil then sincere voice)

Such a diabolical item,I shall use it to bend the
universe to my whim,(evil laughter)! Right after I
examine it, and take it to the police.

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