Activity: LETTER FROM MOM

Read the letter below.

Dear Shane,
P1. Right now you are upstairs in your room thinking that life is completely and
totally unfair.
P2. The whole world is against you because there is not a single person in it that
understands you. You would say that you love your friends, but the truth is that
you love them more on Facebook, Tweeter and Instagram than you do in real life.
In real life, you can only handle spending so much time with them before they
start to annoy you because, as I mentioned before, no one really understands
who you are.
P3. Your room is a mess. The clothes that you beg for me to buy you are
crumpled in a heap in the corner. When asked to clean – when asked to do
anything, really – you roll your eyes (not to my face, because you are smart
enough at this point to know that will set me off) because you have a thousand
more important things to do like watch Pangako Sa ‘Yo or check your phone.
P4. You are both obsessed with and terrified by boys.
P5. Some days you think you are pretty. Some days you are certain you are the
ugliest person on earth. You are sure you are being left out of something. Some
party, some conversation, some sleepover is happening and you were
deliberately excluded because no one cares how you feel. You have every right in
the world to be moody because life is hard. Grade 11 is pointless. There isn’t a
person alive who hasn’t been able to get into the college they wanted to because
they got poor grades in Grade 10. Mostly though, life is just hard and
complicated and difficult and confusing. Despite this, you are never given the
credit you deserve for always knowing what’s what. You know what is best for
you and there is nothing more irritating than someone else (like me) presuming
that they know.
P6. I realize that when I raise these topics with you, you will not hear me. Despite
all appearances, you are not a small adult. You cannot reason like an adult and
so it is impossible for you to understand that I am trying to help you and guide
you and not, ruin your life. This privilege I exert does not necessarily come from
biology, it comes from the fact that I have been exactly where you are and I have
been navigating this life for a lot longer than you. It is true that everyone has a
story, and everyone’s story is unique, but loss, pain, anger, confusion and
sadness are universal. These feelings don’t separate you from the world, but
rather they bind you closer to it. Someone out there is feeling the exact same
way you do right now, including me, my dearest girl, and I am only a few feet
away. There will never be and can never be another you, but you are part of a
magnificent community of humans. Humanity at times can be brutal and petty
and mean-spirited, but that’s never an excuse for you to be that way. You are so
much more and so much better than a bad day.
P7. I am not your friend. I don’t care what you think about me. I am not aiming
for popularity in our house. Most importantly, we are not equals. Think about it:
how can we be equals if you depend on me for everything? If you’re going to ask
for extra money for whatever you want to buy, then you have to take my rules.
Some people call it parenting. Greedy me, I call it authority. When you don’t need
me for things, only advice and counsel, then we can explore a friendship.
P8. When I ask you to do something right now, I am trying to teach you
something about success. Procrastination is a dream killer. No one ever became
a grand success by doing it later. You’re right, your room is yours. I am less
concerned with the state of it than I am of your mind. Ever see a happy person
on Hoarders? It sounds ridiculous to you, but a clean space makes it easier to be
creative and productive. When you let your room slide, you are likely to let
everything else slide too, like homework.
P9. I am not a Tiger Mom. I am not interested in you getting straight A’s (though,
of course, that would be great), I am interested in you doing your absolute best.
Sometimes you do your best and you fail, and you need to learn to be okay with
that, too. You must learn to be good AT school, so it will be easier for you to be
good AT college and AT work. Yes, of course, it’s pandering to a system, but
everyone, regardless of status has to work within a system, unless you’re
becoming a hermit which let’s face it, is never going to happen. When you
become overly concerned with pleasing your friends and making them happy it
takes away from your focus, your job, which right now is school. The balance you
learn to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where friendships
can be vital. But, you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a house.
P10. I don’t tell you often enough how beautiful you are. Even though you are
stunning, I do guess I do this on purpose. Being beautiful should never be the
most interesting thing about you. A girl who relies on her looks is setting herself
up to be a woman lost at sea as she gets older. We live in a world where beauty
can and will open many doors, but how you choose to open them and what you
do inside becomes about character. Character, moral aptitude, empathy, grace-
these are the traits that will carry on your beauty far after your looks are gone.
You aren’t anywhere near understanding this right now, even though I am trying
to lead this change by example. When you look at me all you see is old, and
mom.
P11. Unbelievably though, I was young (and not so long ago, I might add) once,
and nothing you can say will shock me. In point of fact, if I was to over share and
talk about some of the things I’ve done, or still do actually, on a pretty regular
basis with your step dad, it is you that would be shocked. Don’t worry, I would
never, because like I said, we are not friends. I promise you this, though: as long
as you tell me the truth, you will never get into trouble, though I can’t promise I
won’t be disappointed.
P12. Until you have children of your own, you won’t realize the depth in which I
love you. I would do anything for you and it is the great irony of life that the
person I love most, I get treated the worst by. I am your greatest cheerleader and
your biggest fan. Sometimes you scream “Why do you hate me!” when I am
doing my job as a mother. You don’t understand that if I indeed hated you, or felt
a far more heinous thing, indifference, I simply wouldn’t bother. I would let you
get on with it and shrug my shoulders and not say a word. When I stand my
ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general railroading,
that, my dear, is love.
P13. The most important thing for you to understand is though you may be
convinced otherwise, whatever happens in this crazy, upside down life, you will
never, ever be alone. So maybe, just once in a while, will you keep this in mind
and be a little kinder to me.

Your ever loving,

Mom

Activity: GROUP DISCUSSION ON LETTER FROM MOM

1. Why would the Mom write that her daughter thinks life is unfair?
2. Why would the Mom write that nobody understands her daughter? Does this
mean the Mom also does not understand her daughter? Explain your answer.
3. How does the Mom describe her daughter’s behavior on paragraph 3?
4. What does the Mom mean when she wrote “you are both obsessed with and
terrified by boys”? 5. Refer to paragraphs 5 and 6, do you agree with what the
Mom wrote about the daughter not being a small adult? What does it mean to be
a small adult?
6. What is the Mom trying to say on paragraph 6?
7. Refer to paragraph 7, why did the Mom say they are not friends or equals? Do
you agree with her? Explain your answer.
8. Refer to paragraph 8, do you agree with the Mom that she is teaching her
daughter a lesson on success each time she asks her daughter to do something?
Explain your answer.
9. Refer to paragraph 9, what does the Mom mean when she wrote “The balance
you learn to strike right now will carry you through your entire life where
friendships can be vital. But, you cannot rely on a great friendship to buy you a
house.”? Does the Mom mean friendship is not important? Explain your answer.
10. What does the Mom mean when she wrote “… unless you’re becoming a
hermit which let’s face it, is never going to happen”?
11. Refer to paragraph 10, give one lesson the Mom wants her daughter to learn.
12. How does the Mom feel when she wrote “When you look at me all you see is
old, and mom.”? Explain your answer.
13. Refer to paragraph 11, why do you think did the Mom write such details?
14. Refer to paragraph 12, do you agree with the Mom when she wrote “When I
stand my ground and open myself up to your vitriol and disregard and general
railroading, that, my dear, is love.”? Explain your answer.
15. Give instances that would make the Mom write “…it is the great irony of life
that the person I love most, I get treated the worst by.”
16. Refer to paragraph 13, what did the Mom promise her daughter? What was
the Mom’s request from her daughter?

Reading: NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Connect with your family
One of the biggest challenges for families to stay connected is the busy pace of
life. But Blue Zones research states that the healthiest, longest-living people in
the world all have something in common: they put their families first. Family
support can provide comfort, support, and even influence better health outcomes
while you are sick. Relationships and family author Mimi Doe recommends
connecting with family by letting little grievances go, spending time together,
and expressing love and compassion to one another. Of course, the same
practices apply to close friends as well. This is especially important if you don’t
have living family, or have experienced difficult circumstances, such as abuse,
that would make it difficult for you to connect with your relatives.
Practice gratitude
Gratitude is one of the most accessible positive emotions, and its effects can
strengthen friendships and intimate relationships. One 2010 study found that
expressing gratitude toward a partner can strengthen the relationship, and this
positive boost is felt by both parties—the one who expresses gratitude and the
one who receives it. Remembering to say “thank you” when a friend listens or
your spouse brings you a cup of coffee can set off an upward spiral of trust,
closeness, and affection.
Learn to forgive
It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to arise in relationships, but your
choice about how to handle the hurt can have a powerful effect on the healing
process. Choosing to forgive can bring about a variety of benefits, both physical
and emotional. Fred Luskin, head of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says it’s
easier to let go of the anger or hurt feelings associated with a circumstance if
you remind yourself that much of your distress is really coming from the
thoughts and feelings you are having right now while remembering the event—
not the event itself. Don’t be afraid to clearly articulate why you are upset, but
once the other party has listened, be willing to lay down your anger and move
on.
Be compassionate
Compassion is the willingness to be open to yourself and others, even in painful
times, with a gentle, nonjudgmental attitude. When you feel compassionate
toward another person—whether a romantic partner, friend, relative, or
colleague— you open the gates for better communication and a stronger bond.
This doesn’t mean taking on the suffering of others, or absorbing their emotions.
Rather, compassion is the practice of recognizing when someone else is unhappy
or whose needs aren’t being met and feeling motivated to help them. We are an
imitative species: when compassion is shown to us, we return it.
Accept others
It is also important to be accepting of the other person in the relationship.
Obviously, this does not apply in situations of abuse or unhealthy control, where
you need foremost to protect yourself. But otherwise, try to understand where
the person is coming from rather than judge them. As you do for yourself, have a
realistic acceptance of the other's strengths and weaknesses and remember that
change occurs over time.

Create rituals together

With busy schedules and the presence of online social media that offer the
façade of real contact, it’s very easy to drift from friends. In order to nurture the
closeness and support of friendships, you have to make an effort to connect.
Gallup researcher Tom Rath has found that people who deliberately make time
for gatherings or trips enjoy stronger relationships and more positive energy. An
easy way to do this is to create a standing ritual that you can share and that
doesn’t create more stress—talking on the telephone on Fridays, for example, or
sharing a walk during lunch breaks, are ways to keep in contact with the ones
you care about the most.
Spend the right amount of time together
Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha Arora found that people who spend 6-7
hours per day socializing (which could mean hanging out with friends, sharing
meals with family, or even emailing a colleague) tend to be the happiest. In
contrast, those who have zero interactions (or an exhausting overload of social
time) feel more stressed. Knowing when to give your time to others and when to
take some time for yourself can be crucial in maintaining balanced, healthy
relationships as well as emotional well being.
Source:
http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/
nurture your-relationships
Reading: TEN RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND CREATING LONG LASTING
AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS
1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST Your relationship with yourself is the central
template from which all others are formed. Loving yourself is a prerequisite to
creating a successful and authentic union with another.
2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO
THRIVE The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. You have the ability to
attract your beloved and cause the relationship you desire to happen.
3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS Moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in
perspective and energy. Being an authentic couple is an evolution.
4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW Your relationship will
serve as an unofficial “lifeshop” in which you will learn about yourself and how
you can grow on your personal path.
5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is
the lifeblood of your relationship.
6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED There will be times when you and your
partner must work through impasses. If you do this consciously and with respect,
you will learn to create win-win outcomes.
7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY CHANGE Life will present turns
in the road. How you maneuver those twists and turns determines the success of
your relationship.
8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE Treasure your
beloved and your relationship will flourish.
9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY Happily ever after means the ability to
keep the relationship fresh and vital.
10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE You know all
these rules inherently. The challenge is to remember them when you fall under
the enchanting spell of love.
Source: http://angellovecards.com/assets/luminaries/drcherrieLOVEposter.pdf