How to Win Friends, Influence People & Become a

Better Partner, Parent & Leader:

Even If You’re an Introvert

By

Mike Gillette

© 20178
Mike Gillette © 2018

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission
from the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law. For permissions contact:
support@mindboss.academy

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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: INTRODUCTION 3

Chapter 2: THE PREMISE 4

Chapter 3: THE 3 COMPONENTS OF LISTENING 5

Chapter 4: THE 4 COMPONENTS OF COMMUNICATION 6

Chapter 5: THE 3 ROADBLOCKS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION 8

Chapter 6: MIKE’S GOALS FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION 10

Chapter 7: ACTIVE LISTENING IN 3 STEPS 12

Chapter 8: 3 PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION 14

Chapter 9: BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION 16

Chapter 10: COMMUNICATION TRAPS TO AVOID 18

Chapter 11: STRATEGIC SPEECH 23

Chapter 12: ABCs of PROBLEM SOLVING 26

Chapter 13: 6 RULES FOR RESPECTFUL PROBLEM-SOLVING 29

Chapter 14: Summary 33

About the Author 34

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Chapter 1: Introduction

INTRODUCTION

This book is essentially a crash course in effective communication skills. Effective

communication skills help you to win friends, influence people, and become a better partner,
parent, or leader, even if you're an introvert. If you want to be persuasive; if you want to bring
people around to your point of view; and to become a real leader, this book will definitely help
you. Anytime you're the sensible one in a group of friends, you're a leader. In the workplace,
you may need to lead people. And if you're a parent, you certainly need to lead people.
Communication skills allow you to do all of these things. These specific communication skills
come from perhaps an unusual-sounding place with respect to where you're coming from.
Interestingly, many communication strategies originated in the world of law enforcement
training.

Take a moment to think about the typical police officer. Most of the interactions they have with
the public are in the act of conveying news that people really don't want to hear -- everything
from, "You can't be here anymore” to “You have to turn your stereo down” to “You're going to
jail." These are things that people just don't like to hear. A truly effective police officer is
someone who really understands communication skills and can use those skills to communicate
unpleasant outcomes without jeopardizing safety. Much of the material in this book has its
origins in the world of law enforcement training where I was often tasked with teaching
communication skills to fellow officers.

The purpose of sharing this information with you is to teach you how to build and bolster
relationships, any relationship, all relationships. Whether we're talking about personal or
professional or incidental relationships (those people that we just encounter in the comings and
goings of life). We can increase our effectiveness by understanding and implementing skillfully
applied communication skills. So, if you want to help people effectively, if you want to lead
people effectively, read on!

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Chapter 2: The Premise

THE PREMISE

In order to master situations verbally, you first must be able to master yourself. This is the
central premise of our mission and it is what guides our entire communications process.

Premise: In order to master situations verbally, you first must be able to master yourself.
You have to win this internal battle first before verbally engaging with others.

Following this premise takes some work. Being able to identify when you are communicating
from a point of emotion or what is known as a personality-focused approach is the first step
towards moving to a problem-focused approach, which will be much more effective. Think
about a time when you were talking, discussing, or maybe even arguing with someone. You
were probably making your point(s) from an emotional point of view. It is ok to exhibit emotion
when communicating with others, however your emotions cannot overtake your focus on what
you’re trying to accomplish.

Additionally, this mission statement guides our strategy. When communicating, whether
personally or professionally, we want to maintain what I call a “problem-focused approach”,
meaning we're focused on solving the issue at hand. We don't want to have a personality-
focused approach where we get caught up in the emotional tension between ourselves and
another person, or, if we're mediating between other people.

Mission Statement: Maintain a problem-focused approach, not a personality-focused

approach.

So, in learning to effectively communicate with others, you need to work on mastering your
emotions. Once you are able to accomplish that, the next step – maintaining a problem-focused
approach -- will come much easier to you.

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Chapter 3: The 3 Components of Listening

THE 3 COMPONENTS OF LISTENING

In this model there are three components of listening:

1.) Attention
2.) Evaluation
3.) Response

• Attention ideally should take us to interpretation. The evaluation should take us to

identification.
• If we're evaluating effectively, if we're really listening, then we should be able to
identify the core issues that matter to the other person or persons.
• As a result, in the response phase, ideally, you should reach what I call integration.

So we want to: interpret effectively, identify what's really going on and what's really important,
identify our communicative priorities, and then integrate those into an effective solution.

Attention Interpretation

Evaluation Identification

Response Integration Real solution!

Paying close attention and engaging in ‘active listening’ (see Chapter 7) helps you gain an
understanding of the issues. As issues come to light, you can focus on evaluating what is really
being said. Here, you are working to identify the core issues that matter to those involved in the
discussion. This leads to the response phase where you integrate what you have learned to
offer real solution(s).

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Chapter 4: The 4 Components of Communication

THE 4 COMPONENTS OF COMMUNICATION

There are four components of communication:

1.) Posture
2.) Content
3.) Attitude
4.) Feedback

Each component is important to understand so that you can effectively communicate in any
situation.

Posture

Our posture – one of our non-verbal cues – speaks volumes to those you are communicating
with. Research shows that our physical attributes, characteristics, and the cues we use reinforce
the psychological side of us. Essentially, what we are thinking and what we are saying is directly
reflected in our posture – how we stand – how we present ourselves to others.

So, communication begins not with what we're saying, but with our physical selves. For
example, somebody getting really close to you and getting angry is sending a certain message.
Conversely, somebody who is withdrawn and exhibiting a weak-looking posture is conveying an
entirely different message. How an individual “displays” themselves colors the way that we
perceive them and their message. Posture begins before any single word is spoken. How
someone stands in relation to you, how someone walks up to you or approaches you all starts
prior to the verbal stage of communication.

Content

The next stage of communication is the actual words you speak -- the words themselves. We
refer to this as content. We display certain postures and our statements are comprised of
specific content. What you say is just as important as how you say it. Communicating effectively
requires avoiding angry or what might be described as ‘fighting words’. A common old
expression was: "Oh, those are fighting words. Careful what you say." Interestingly, the phrase
‘fighting words’ is actually part of our legal doctrine here in the United States. In 1942, the

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United States Supreme Court acknowledged the existence of ‘fighting words’. These are words
that are inherently inflammatory or dangerous. Think about if you were to yell “Fire!” in a
crowded theater. That would lead to panic and pandemonium. People would all be running at
the same time trying to get to the exits. The result could be injuries or worse.

‘Fighting words’ is speech that is not protected by the 1st Amendment because it is speech that
has been classified as potentially dangerous. This is completely different than language that is
simply annoying or offensive. The content, what you say and the actual words that you use are
important. And understanding what you say, before you say it, is also very important.

Attitude

So we have posture, we have content, and we also have attitude. I think we all probably have
an idea of what that means. It's really not just what you say. It is what you say AND how you
say it. Words can take on any number of different meanings simply by how the words are
presented -- the speed of our speech and the inflection we give to particular words.

Compare the following two questions: "Are you going to wear that tonight?” with “Are you
going to wear that tonight?" The first example is a question which has to do with time, as in
when the clothing will be worn. The second question sounds more like a lightly veiled insult,
conveying that the individual asking the question is not in favor of what the individual they are
speaking to is wearing. Inflection and emphasis can completely change the meaning of what we
say event when the words are exactly the same.

Feedback

Lastly, there is the component of communication known as feedback. You provide feedback to
the other person. They likewise provide feedback to you, and it's through this cyclical
relationship, this feedback loop, that you can analyze your progress and hopefully determine
when you're moving in a positive direction with your communication.

If you communicate using positive words with a positive tone and attitude, your message is
more likely to be received than questioned or ignored. You can tell this by the response or
feedback you get from the other individual(s) you are talking with. For example, if the
conversation has been about reducing costs and you respond using the phrase “fiscal
challenges” rather than “budget cuts”, the individual(s) receiving the message may be more
receptive to your message than to be angry or concerned. Use feedback to analyze your
progress in communicating with others.

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Chapter 5: 3 Roadblocks to Effective Communication

3 ROADBLOCKS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Now, of course, the communication skills talked about in the previous chapter will work,
especially in an ideal situation. However, we all know that there is no such thing as an ideal
situation. There are plenty of things that get in the way of effective communication. There are
three issues or barriers in particular to recognize and understand.

These are what are referred to as the three roadblocks to effective communication:

1.) Excess emotion.

2.) Presence of intoxicants.
3.) Communicating with others different from us.

Each roadblock is important to understand so that you can be an effective communicator.

Excess Emotion

When we are upset and attempting to communicate, our own upsetted-ness can get in the way
of both hearing and speaking. Our emotions can get in the way of our ability to speak in
measured terms. It can lead us to use words that are not helpful, words that hurt others, words
that perhaps escalate the situation further, all because we're very emotionally invested in the
situation at that time. Excess emotion is probably the single greatest roadblock to effective
communication.

Presence of Intoxicants

This next one is one that many people do not think about, and that is the presence of
intoxicants. Intoxicants can be alcohol consumed in a social situation or any type of medication
that someone may be lawfully using, but is impairing their ability to think and speak clearly in
that moment. If you are able to, learning about any impairing factor is important to know. In
this type of situation, it may be best to tell the other person that this is not the time to have
this specific discussion and that the discussion can continue when all parties are able to do so in
a clear and effective manner.

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Communicating with Others Different from Us

Communicating with others who are different from us is a fact of life these days. This is
increasingly prevalent as populations become more diverse, workforces become more diverse
and the more that we engage in commerce and social relationships via the Internet, which
provides us access to people who live far away from us. As a result, we are more commonly
engaging with people who are, in some way, different from us. People with different customs,
different attitudes and different cultures. To effectively communicate with others in this
context, we must understand who they are, where they come from, their customs and the best
approaches for communicating.

When I was in the army in the early 1980s, my unit was preparing for a long deployment to the
Middle East. In preparation for this, we attended classes on cultural norms, etiquette and
protocol unique to that geographic region. It was critical for us to learn this information so that
we would not unintentionally do or say things that would be misinterpreted and lead to other
people being upset for no other reason than we didn’t know how to engage with them in a way
that was customary or familiar to them.

In my law enforcement days, I received additional training in this area. And, later on, when I
worked as a bodyguard for clients who had business interests on an international scale, it was
important to expand my knowledge in this area. Ultimately, we want to be sensitive to the
differences between ourselves and others so that we can build productive relationships with as
many people as we are able to.

Not understanding cultural differences can be a problem. If you are going to regularly
experience a particular situation(s), whether it's in school or in the workplace or even socially, if
you can, find someone to guide you through some of these situations so that your own
communications are not misunderstood, not misinterpreted, and are ultimately maximized. If
you do, your communication effectiveness will expand immensely.

By learning to control your emotions, recognizing if when others are impaired by intoxicants
and knowing how to communicate with people of different cultures, you will be well on your
way to becoming a master of communication.

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Chapter 6: Mike’s Goals for Effective Communication

MIKE’S GOALS FOR EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

These are my goal for effective communication. Therefore, I call them: Mike's Goals for
Effective Communication:

1.) Ability to solve problems.

2.) Ability to mitigate conflict.
3.) Everyone maintains dignity.

Ability to Solve Problems

The number one goal in communicating effectively is to be able to solve problems. While it may
be helpful and even healthy to vent one’s feelings, if this is all we do, we are only partway to
where we need to be. We ultimately want to be able to solve problems. When you are a
problem solver, you are also a much more effective leader and you are going to be in a much
better position to influence people. People will want to follow you. People understand and are
drawn to those who are able to keep themselves under control, particularly in challenging
circumstances while still effecting positive outcomes. So we want to be able to solve problems.
We also want to be able to mitigate conflict.

Mitigate Conflict

Conflict, in the context of communication skills is a level or two above what can be described as
a disagreement. We never want a situation to deteriorate to the point where anyone's safety
would be at risk. Being an effective communicator can help solve problems before they rise to
the point where people get so angry that they make bad choices for themselves or others.

An effective communicator will be able to mitigate conflict by remaining calm, listening intently
to what is being said, repeating or paraphrasing the conversation, and then offering reasonable
solutions. Mitigating conflict can occur quickly or it can take some time. Either way, the goal is
not to rush the process, but to find a path to a solution that is acceptable to all.

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Maintaining Dignity

The last goal in effective communication is that everyone maintains dignity. This is huge. In my
law enforcement days, I routinely saw what happens when someone felt as though his or her
dignity was not being respected. People will fight because their reputation has been slighted.
While criminals and those who make bad decisions may not have a great deal of social standing
in the world at large, within their own social group they still have a reputation that they want to
maintain. And if they feel as though they have lost their dignity, they can become dangerous.
Dignity is literally the last thing you can take from someone. Don’t. It is very important to avoid
doing or saying the kinds of things that minimize a person’s dignity, that take away their ability
to seem respected in a given situation. We will revisit this topic in a couple of different ways
because it is so very important.

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Chapter 7: Active Listening in 3 Steps

ACTIVE LISTENING IN 3 STEPS

There are three steps involved in becoming an active listener. Active listeners are also effective
communicators. The three steps to active listening include:

1.) The use of paraphrasing.

2.) Understanding reflected feelings.
3.) Understanding reflected meanings.

The Use of Paraphrasing

Becoming an active listener is probably a term you are somewhat familiar with. Although we
could a considerable amount of time discussing active listening and learning about it, we can
boil active listening down to the most salient aspects of it into just a few steps, the first of
which is paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing is simply taking what someone says and repeating it back to them in your own
words. To put it another way, it is "I hear you, I hear what you're saying," and then restating
that back to you in a different way. One way to begin communication back to the individual is
to start by saying, "Okay, Bob, it sounds like what you're saying is ... " and then give them a
quick summary.

If I respond to Bob in this way it tells him that I am paying attention to what he is saying. It also
lets him evaluate my response – did I accurately capture what he was communicating to me?
And, it indicates to him that I am paying attention; that I respect him enough to pay attention,
and that what we are talking about is being taken seriously.

Understanding Reflected Feelings

Reflected feelings are getting to and understanding the emotional content that exists just
below a person’s words. For example, if I tell you that I hear what you are saying and I am giving
you your words back, that's one thing. But if I can say, "It sounds as though, because you've said
X, Y, or Z, that you're really feeling X, Y, or Z," then I am understanding not only what you are
saying, but also what you are feeling. And if I can accurately describe the feelings you are

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having in relation to our conversation, think about how much more empathy I am
demonstrating towards you, and how much rapport we should be able to build with each other.
Hopefully, the other individual would then think, "Wow, Mike really understands what I'm
saying. He understands my situation, why this is difficult for me and why I feel that this is
important to talk about."

Really knowing how a person is feeling during a conversation is key to understanding how the
situation you are discussing is affecting him or her.

Understanding Reflected Meanings

The third and final step in active listening is reflected meanings. These are the meanings that
we reflect back to others. I might say, "Now, I don't know if this is exactly how you're feeling,
but this is what it sounds to me like you're feeling...” Sharing this back in this manner makes
what I am sound less dictatorial. Because I am not telling you how you feel. Nobody really
wants to hear that. Other people want to tell us how they are feeling and we want to tell them
how we feel.

Consider if you are engaged in a professional discussion. If you understand how the other
person is feeling, then you can relate these feelings to the greater workplace situation at hand.
For example, if the other person is feeling frustrated and that they are not being heard, you
might reflect back that you are feeling the same way. Then you can continue the conversation
based on the understanding that you both find the situation challenging.

To summarize, paraphrasing is me giving you back what you have said, but using different
words. Reflecting feelings is me attempting to give you back or reflect back the feelings that it
sounds to me that you are experiencing as a result of the situation. Reflecting meanings are
really about giving you back or sharing back the implications of all of these things that we are
talking about. And that is active listening in a very concise nutshell.

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Chapter 8: 3 Principles of Effective Communication

3 PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Now that you have learned the components of effective communication and listening, the
roadblocks to effective communication, and the goals of effective communication, it is time to
learn about the three principles of effective communication, which are:

1.) The ability to understand.

2.) Having a clearly defined goal.
3.) Participating in ethical communication.

Ability to Understand

First is simply the ability to understand someone else. If you can be the person who is perceived
as someone who understands other people, this is a very powerful thing. It is something that
you can feel good about because people will feel as though that when they talk to you, you
genuinely understand. This is a big deal. Not everybody possesses this skill or this ability. It is
one of the trademarks of a good leader. It is an example of someone that others will gravitate
towards because you are perceived as a problem solver, because you understand people, and
you understand what is important to them. So this ability to understand, it’s huge.

Having a Clearly Defined Goal

Effective communication is also based upon a clearly defined goal. This is significantly different
from conversations where people are just venting. You can let people get things off their chest
and let people vent. There can be value in that. However, effective communication is being able
to take all of the stuff that is being said and sculpt it towards a goal, which is typically solving a
particular issue or problem.

Identifying the goal is important. Without a goal, the conversation may continue to as long list
of complaints and negative comments. Effective communication occurs when you have a set
goal in mind, so that you and everyone else in the conversation is clear that the group needs to
get to that goal before the conversation is finished.

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Ethical Communication

The third and perhaps the most important principle of effective communication is that good
communication is ethical. It is based upon the trust that is developed between you and the
other person, or what we might refer to as the sender and the receiver. In the end, there is
nothing to gain by hiding information or intentionally communicating inaccurate or false
information. Engaging in such unethical conduct never serves any purpose and almost always
ends in creating more problems than it might seem to solve in the short term.

Remember, if you are able to build trust with others, then real, deep, profound communication
can take place, and that is what we want to build towards.

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Chapter 9: Barriers to Effective Communication

BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

It is important to know that, with respect to communication, there are actions that can actually
work against us. These are known as barriers. The three most common barriers to engaging in
effective communication are:

1.) Bypassing.
2.) Polarization.
3.) All-ness statements.

Bypassing

One of the most common barriers to effectively communicating is what is known as bypassing.
Bypassing is when you use words and language that can lead to multiple interpretations. Some
examples of bypassing are:

• Using a more technical description when a simple one will suffice.

• Using words that are vague and/or ambiguous.
• Using language that has multiple meanings.

One of the reasons that using this type of language does not help is because if we have a
disagreement, it is likely that there will be some emotional content present, and even if we are
speaking politely, that emotion is still present. If you use vague language and that language that
is interpreted the wrong way, in a way that you completely did not intend, you can see how
things can easily go off the rails. The presence of emotion takes up cognitive space in the brain,
and the more emotion that is present, the harder it is to think clearly and remain objective.

We must speak very clearly. This sounds basic because it is. However, some of us avoid
speaking clearly because sometimes speaking clearly feels too direct. It feels too specific, and
sometimes we try to soften things to the point where we are not actually saying much, and that
is not helpful. So listen to the language that you are using. Make sure that it is as clear as
possible because if your words are just too general for the circumstances, it won’t lead you to
understanding the problem or lead to a solution.

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Polarization

Another common barrier that occurs in the give-and-take of communication is polarization.

Polarization happens when someone is presenting points or issues as either being all good, or,
all bad. Very few issues can be reduced to terms that are so simply defined. And the bigger
issue is that issues end up being framed as “right” or “wrong”. And if you’re framing the other
person’s position as “wrong”, it becomes nearly impossible to make progress. Because the
other person will become so invested in proving that they’re not “wrong” or “bad” or some
other negative thing, that they’ll be far less interested in solving the problem at hand. This also
leads to scenarios being presented as either/or situations which makes compromise much more
difficult. Why? Because it makes it look as though you can either take one action, or the other,
but not both. This leaves no middle ground where we might be able to meet the other person.
Polarization is, in essence, the “anti-compromise” approach to problem solving.

All-ness Statements

Finally, we want to avoid the third barrier to effective communication; all-ness statements. This
is when we communicate either intentionally or unintentionally that everything is all a
particular way. It can also happen when we just overgeneralize. We need to be specific and we
need to be measured. Things are not all one way or another. For example, if we look at current
events happening today, we have a US President who frequently comes under fire because of
his communication style. He has a consistent tendency to present things in a polarizing way as
well as making a lot of all-ness statements. As an example, things are great or they are horrible,
or, they are either good or bad. This is uncommon for a major political figure, particularly when
compared to his predecessor who was a much more nuanced communicator. The ability to
communicate effectively has a lot to do with how we are perceived and both Trump and
Obama, politics aside, are perceived the way they are in large part because of their respective
communication styles.

So, by avoiding these three barriers, these barriers to effective communications (bypassing,
polarization, and all-ness statements), we are well on our way to become effective
communicators.

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Chapter 10: Communication Traps to Avoid

COMMUNICATION TRAPS TO AVOID

Of course, there are some other general actions that are best to avoid when we speak to
people. We definitely do not want to communicate in a manner that generates negativity.
These would be things that give a person the impression that you are either ignoring them or
you are ignoring the issue at hand.

Here are some of the most frequent communication traps to avoid:

• Responding to someone like you are reading a prepared script.

• Communicating in a manner that generates negativity.
• Challenging, threatening or belittling the individual.
• Acting impatiently.
• Making false statements or promises that you cannot keep.
• Sharing complicated information when emotions are high.
• Taking sides.
• Communicating that a situation is less serious than it is.
• Being condescending.

The last point occurs when you sound as though you think that you are so much smarter than
anyone else or that you are so much better than they are. This approach never goes well.

Responding by “Script” Reading

One trap that can really be annoying to people is if one person starts to sound like they are
reading a script, almost as though what they are saying is memorized. If you have ever spent
any time on ‘hold’ while waiting for customer service to solve a billing issue or perhaps a
technical problem with an appliance or a gadget of some type that you may own and you have
got a question and you hear the customer service rep shifting into script mode, that's very
frustrating.

What does this convey? Well, it sounds as though:

• You are not being taken seriously.

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 • You are just another statistic.
• They are trying to quickly finish up with you.
• They are not actually speaking to you. They are speaking at you.

Anytime someone sounds like they are on a script, they are not really listening to you, and
when someone's really not listening to you, and you can tell, that takes us right back to the
issues of feeling as though we are not being taken seriously – that our concerns and our
priorities do not matter. Any kind of scripted-sounding response can be a real detriment to
effective communication.

Using Challenging Language

We certainly do not want to challenge people. If you are seeking common ground, if you are
seeking an effective solution, pushing somebody hard, even just verbally, you will most
certainly not achieve any goal you are attempting to achieve with the other individual. Using
phrases such as: "Do you know whom you're talking to? Do you know who I am? Do you know
what my reputation is around here?" are definitely phrases to avoid.

Using this type of language is detrimental because now you are immediately framing the
disagreement in the context of a power struggle and problem solving does not happen in a
power struggle. Now, a solution can be imposed in a power struggle. If you are a parent,
sometimes you just have to impose a solution and that is just how it is because that is the
nature of your relationship to the other person. But with other adults, our goal is not to
challenge or threaten or belittle anyone. We do not want to take away another’s dignity
because they hold a particular belief or are taking a specific position.

Exhibit Caution

Now, this is a little bit more context specific, but if the situation deteriorates and the person
that you are engaging with seems as though they could be threatening, as in this could escalate
into a bona fide safety issue, you do not want to bargain with those people. You need to
recognize that for what it is and just disengage from them. Anytime communication becomes
something that could jeopardize your safety or the safety of someone else, just disengage. One
way to do this is to say, “This discussion is not going well. Let’s take some time and re-think our
approach.” You can also come back to the contentious issue later at a different time and maybe
in a different location.

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Acting Impatiently

Another thing that is going to push things in a bad direction is to simply act impatiently. Saying
things like, "Can we hurry this up?" is not going to be helpful. Even if you are on a time crunch,
it is best to try to keep perceptions about timetables away from the conversation. It just makes
other people feel as though they are not being heard, that the solution is being rushed, and,
that the solution is being forced upon them rather than being a joint effort.

Not Being Truthful

Do not make false statements or promises that cannot be kept. A temporary peace is never
worth investing in a false premise in order to achieve a specific end. In addition (and most
importantly) it is a reputation-killer. If people think that you are someone who makes false
statements, well then, you are dishonest. You are insincere. It is very hard for you to come back
from that in terms of your reputation.

Don’t Be Overcomplicated

Since so many of these types of circumstances are fraught with emotion, we want to make sure
that we are not trying to input a lot of complicated information into the conversation. Emotion
takes up a disproportionate amount of space in the mind, and that is not the best time to
introduce a whole lot of technical or complex information. If we are talking about a
circumstance where perhaps you are mediating a disagreement between others, which could
be children, or coworkers or, you are trying to preserve friendships among longtime friends and
you are the one person who has the gift of sensibility at that moment, avoid taking sides. While
this is not often easy, you should do your best to prevent the perception that you are taking
sides. People tend to take you more seriously if things do not seem slanted one way or another.

For example, in my police days, I found that if people perceived me as just “doing my job” as
opposed to having any sort personal stake in the situation, then my influence was much more
effective. However, if you conduct yourself in a way that suggests that you yourself are getting
angry, that also suggests that you are getting emotionally invested in the situation. And the
inference is if you are emotionally invested in the situation then you are no longer acting as an
objective professional. You will seem personally involved because your emotions are a clear
example of having a personal stake in what is taking place.

Also, when people are upset themselves, you will find that they will often try to lure you into
being upset too. Because if you seem upset, it will help to rationalize their own upsetted-ness.

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The less emotionally involved you can seem, the more effective you are going to be in solving
the problem. People will take you more seriously when they see that you are impartial.

Don’t Lessen the Seriousness of a Situation

We also do not want to make the situation seem less serious than it is. (We will revisit this again
because it is significant in being an effective communicator). In order for people to take you
seriously as a problem solver, as a leader, as an influencer, you need to take them seriously. So
if I am the person who is having a problem right now, if you take my problem seriously, you are
taking me seriously. This is how I am going to see you, and that is going to mean a lot to me.

Keep your focus on problems. Do not focus on personalities. Do not get emotionally involved.
This is so easy to say, but is it easy to do? No, not often. It is very easy to develop your own
opinion about what is taking place. You need to take a step back from forming an opinion
before all the facts are out so you can be the person who can see the situation impartially and
objectively.

If you think about leaders that you have encountered in your lifetime, the ones who were really
influential, the ones who were really impressive as leaders were probably people who did not
fall sway to excess emotion when other people were having either legitimate issues or just self-
generated drama, (because some people seem to do that). The people who do not get drawn
into situations emotionally are perceived as individuals who have a higher level of emotional
control. To others it can seem almost like a special power and it is a power that you can
acquire. It just takes work.

Avoid Unintentional Escalation

We have already discussed how the words that we use matter. Here is a simple thing to avoid. I
see so many examples of people walking into situations with the best of intentions, trying to
help or trying to fix things, and they will come into a circumstance where at least one person
seems to be a bit out of control. Then, they will make this statement, and here is that
statement: "Calm down." So, what do you really think a statement like “calm down" means to
someone? Ultimately it is a command, it is a challenge, and it can contribute to an
unintentional escalation of the situation. Using such phrases is contrary to what we are
attempting to accomplish.

In my former police days, I would come into situations when someone else who was already
present was attempting to calm someone down, and they would typically attempt to do that by

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saying, "Calm down." They might even start yelling, "Calm down," which is both ironic and
ineffective. The response that this typically generates is the opposite of calm because it is a
challenge. It also implies that the person who is saying, "Calm down," has rank or authority in
the situation where they may have none, which leads to a power-struggle. And, even if they are
officially in-charge, this is the wrong way to assert that authority.

"Calm down," is ultimately a useless phrase. Just avoid it. It doesn’t work. The notion that
someone is going to calm down because you have introduced the idea, "Oh, yes, of course. I
should just calm down. That will make everything better," is nonsense. This will have already
occurred to the person. Oftentimes people are venting or making noise because in that
moment, it feels good to do so. Even if intellectually they understand that this isn’t necessarily
the best idea. And it is one of the reasons why sometimes people try to pull you down into the
hole of their own misbehavior. This is one phrase to retire.

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Chapter 11: Strategic Speech

STRATEGIC SPEECH

Let us explore situations where we want to solve a problem, but in order to do so we need a bit
more information. One of the ways we attempt to gain information, although common,
typically does not work well. What we need to learn is how to use ‘strategic speech’ or how to
plan a conversation.

Many of the mistakes we make during a conversation occur because the things that we say are
based more on habit than on a strategic plan. For example, much of the way that we speak is a
result of simply absorbing other people's speech patterns and other phrases. And, over time,
we fall into the habit of repeating these patterns. It is the way that our mind works. We are
open source collectors of information. We file all that information away in our brain. And then,
when we realize, "Oh, I'm in a conflict of some type," we start throwing out phrases we have
stored up that have been used during previous conflicts. These patterns of speech behavior are
not based on effectiveness, they are just what comes out because of what we have stored up in
our ‘computer’.

The problem is we seldom stop to consider whether what we have heard and stored away is
actually helpful or productive. So, I am going to share a very simple technique that can help
lead you away from speaking either impulsively or just out of habit. Or worse, out of emotion
rather than out of intention. Whether out of habit or being courteous or just not knowing,
people of all types make a common mistake – a mistake that undermines the whole objective of
obtaining information. Information that can build relationships and information that can solve
problems. What do they do? They give other people permission not to answer their questions.

Managers will do this, supervisors will do this, and they don’t even do it on purpose. They
generally do not realize that they are doing it. They do it in the way that they structure their
questions. The way that you set up a question establishes your expectation of how it will be
answered. And if you are not careful when you set up your questions, you end up setting low
expectations for what the person's answers will be.

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Here are some examples of questions that are poorly worded:

• "Can you recall ... "

• "Can you tell me ... "
• "Do you remember ... "
• "Did they say anything about ... "
• "Are you aware of ... "

Okay, so those are all very common lead-ins to questions of various types. You are genuinely
trying to find out something, trying to get to the bottom of something, or you are just trying to
figure out how somebody's feeling. These types of questions are examples that suggest that the
person you are asking may not be able to provide a complete answer. The answers to these
questions are usually ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And, their response may imply that not producing an answer,
or simply answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’ is acceptable to you.

This setup conveys doubt about how much information the person holds. It also allows that
maybe the person cannot (and this is important to remember if you are dealing with someone,
even if they have no intention of being deceptive), answer the question. These types of
questions do not demand much in terms of an answer because they do not sound as though
they expect much. The person to whom those kinds of questions are asked will not really feel
any great pressure to provide the information. Also, sometimes people just like to get by with
the least effort possible, and questions like this allow them to do just that. So, if you do not
expect much, you will not get much in return.

The solution is to set up questions in a different way, one that suggests our confidence in the
expectation that the person both knows the answer and will provide the answer. So how do we
do this? By using a simple, universal premise.

The Solution to Getting Answers

Here's that premise: "Tell me ... " Those two words are effective together because they suggest
that we are coming from a position of knowledge. To say, "Tell me ... " is to imply that you know
the person has the answer. This is in contrast to those weak set-ups that give the subject the
ability to avoid giving the answer. The phrase ‘tell me’ is different because it directs the person
to do precisely what you want them to do.

Let’s look at an example. Which of these two statements would stand the greatest chance of
getting a complete answer?

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 • "Do you know what happened at the party last night?" or,
• "Tell me about what happened at the party last night."

Now, "Tell me ... " works in a variety of circumstances, not just in circumstances where you are
trying to find things out. If you are a parent and you have a child that has just come home from
school and they are not being very communicative and you do the typical parent question, "So,
Billy, how was school?" "Fine," or, "Okay," or whatever might be their answer. In contrast, ask,
"Tell me about school." I use this all the time and it is quite effective.

None of us sets out to be a poor communicator. It is just that we can end up being poor
communicators because we communicate out of habit. We communicate based on how other
people have communicated with us. Now, if we grew up around fantastic communicators,
great. But if we haven't, we have probably absorbed a lot of words and phrases that don’t lend
themselves to deep, detailed and compelling communication. Using the very simple phrase,
"Tell me," can start to lead us towards that.

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Chapter 12: ABCs of Problem Solving

ABCs OF PROBLEM SOLVING

So let's continue down the road of problem-solving, and let's look at circumstances that might
be more challenging where perhaps you actually have a discernible problem-solving role,
whether formally or informally, at work. You might be officially (on paper) the person who has
to mitigate a particular situation or you are just someone who people tend to gravitate towards
and do so informally. In this role, you are serving as a problem-solver.

The first, most important element of problem solving is gathering information and establishing
rapport. You need to have some level of relationship with the person who you are dealing with
because we are talking about problem solving. We are not talking about solution-imposition. In
other words, this is not a premise where you take a solution and force it upon someone. And
while that this is sometimes how problems get solved, those solutions tend to be breed
resentment and are ultimately short-lived.

If you are the person officially in charge, you technically could say, "This is what we're doing."
But that is not artful, and we are dealing with the ‘art’ of effective communication. We want to
have, to the extent that we are able to, some type of rapport established. Some sort of
common ground or trust. Oftentimes if you can demonstrate sufficient respect it will earn you
the level of trust necessary to build real rapport.

ABCs of PROBLEM SOLVING

The ABCs of problem solving are simple ways to keep this entire ‘crash course’ conveniently
accessible in your mind. The ABCs of problem solving are:

• A, we want to Acquire Information.

• B, we're going to Break Things Down.
• C, we're going to Create the Best Outcome.

So acquiring information is really about acquiring information about the immediate issue that
touched off this specific matter, just this one. No deep-seated grievances or previous issues. We
are not going to go back in time and solve those.

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One of the very first domestic disputes I ever responded to as a police officer was a little bit
confusing to me and here’s why… I arrived at the house. The house was in a nicer
neighborhood. The residents were a good deal older than those whom I was expecting. And, as
reported, they were having an argument. But as time went on and I started to get more of a
handle on what the female party was angry about, it turns out that she was upset about an
affair her husband had 42 years earlier. 42 years. That was not something that I was going to be
able to fix. So when you are trying to solve a problem, solve the immediate problem. Make sure
that you are dealing in specifics. Your goal is to acquire information about the immediate
problem.

Now, B, we want to Break Things Down. We have talked about paraphrasing. We want to
basically repeat back to the person what we are hearing. So break it down, repeat it back, and
see if you can consolidate everything that is taking place into one statement. See if you can get
everyone to agree that this is what we are trying to solve because one thing that happens when
people are upset and emotional is that suddenly everything in the world starts to become a
problem. Well, we cannot fix all of that, but we can attempt to fix one problem. So break it
down, repeat it back, and then get everybody to basically sign off on, “Yes, this is what we are
working on today.” Then you can take things from there in order to work towards C, Create the
Best Outcome.

C, creating the best outcome is an approach I favor because it is built on the idea of, "We have a
disagreement that we will work on together," rather than, "I'm going to tell you how it's going
to be." Now, you may get to that point, but that is not going to create the same type of result. If
everybody is invested and everybody genuinely feels that everyone else is likewise invested in
solving the problem and in fixing the problem in a productive, long-lasting way, the results you
get from that will be better than an externally imposed solution. It is really the same type of
collective problem solving approach that is used in hostage negotiation. (This may sound like an
extreme example, but stick with me a minute.)

The first thing that happens when a hostage negotiator shows up at a dangerous situation is
they start building the perception within the suspect that the negotiator is on their side. They
build rapport. It starts with using the word, "we" a lot. And they draw clear lines. "Tell me what
you want so that I can tell them," and they start to refer to the rest of the police presence as
‘them’, as being outside of the little circle that the negotiator is creating.

This is all done in the context of maximizing everybody's safety. Which is the same goal we have
in certain circumstances. If you can encourage everybody to make good choices, then things

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tend not to become dangerous or escalate to a point where somebody gets hurt. So create the
best outcome by getting people involved and invested in a positive outcome.

There are some rules that accompany this strategy. It is helpful to say, "Okay, we're going to
work towards the best outcome, but in order to do that, I'm suggest the following rules." Our
next chapter outlines these rules.

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CHAPTER 13: 6 Rules for Respectful Problem Solving

6 RULES FOR RESPECTFUL PROBLEM SOLVING

There are six essential rules to follow for respectful problem solving to occur. They are:

1.) Good manners.

2.) Hear all sides.
3.) Honor the problem.
4.) Remember what people need.
5.) Keep calm.
6.) Listen for things that do not match.

Each rule is important in working towards solving problems respectfully.

Rule number one: Good Manners. This means that:

• There are no insults.

• There is no yelling.
• Only one person talks at a time, emphasizing that each person is going to
have an opportunity to have their point of view shared, but interruptions
are not going to be allowed.

Now, an interesting thing is rules can actually work very well. If you can get everybody to agree.
"Okay, can we live with this? Everybody's going to be polite. Everybody's going to be nice to
each other?" They say, "Yeah, okay, sure."

Rules can actually have a calming effect because few people genuinely enjoy chaos, and
sometimes people who are emotionally agitated are actually looking to someone to establish
order, but to do so in a way that does not take away from anyone's reputation or dignity. It’s as
though they’re thinking, "Allow me to save face, maybe even take control of the situation and
I'll ultimately be more comfortable and agreeable." So, try to lock those agreements in place,
and then move on to rule number two.

Rule number two: Hear All Sides. Back when I said you do not pick sides, you do not pick sides.
You show empathy. Now, we talked about the phrase, "Calm down," and how that is not really
that helpful even though it is commonly used. Here is another very common phrase, “I

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understand how you feel.” Do you think this would be helpful to say if you're trying to
demonstrate empathy? Yes? No? Personally, I avoid this statement because it is almost
impossible for you to understand how someone feels. Even if you have gone through a very
similar circumstance, it was different for you because you are you. You are different from them.
You don’t really understand how they feel. And although it might seem to you like a ‘nice’ thing
to say, it can inadvertently lead to greater conflict rather than less. What you really mean to say
is you understand that, "Wow. This is a big deal. This is serious. That would be a very upsetting
thing." However, that is not what you said. You said you understand how they feel, and if you
do not truly understand, then do not say it.

You can certainly say things like, "Wow. That sounds tough. Man, I'm sorry." Those words are
fine. Just because we want to say something helpful and we said something in the spirit of
being helpful, it still is not necessarily going to be helpful if they were the wrong words. So,
make sure that you say the right words or as close to the right words as you can. As always,
think about what you say before you say it.

Rule number three: Honor the problem. The reason for the disagreement may not seem
important to you, but in order for you to help solve it, you have got to treat it with the same
level of importance as the other parties have invested in it. They may perceive it as a threat to
their reputation or to their self-esteem, and if you minimize the importance or the magnitude
of the problem, ultimately you're minimizing the importance of the people who are having the
problem, and that is not going to get you anywhere. It is going to unintentionally hurt the
process of problem solving, and it is going to hurt feelings. And that will not leave you in a
productive place.

Rule number four: Remember What People Need. Yes, people need to vent their feelings, but
they also need to understand what is happening. They need to feel as though they can regain
control of themselves, and they want all of this with no surprises. Due to stress, which is
probably present, they may not be processing things clearly. This is why we say, "Don't try to
impart a whole bunch of complicated information in those moments." Speak very clearly. Speak
in ways that do not add unnecessary complexity to the circumstances at hand.

Here is an interesting thing. Sometimes people who are stressed or going through some type of
dilemma may be having a hard time making decisions themselves. And they may actually want
you to do that for them. But they will never tell you that and even argue against it. Just bear in
mind that some people prefer to have answers provided to them. In the same way that people
will look for rules to be established, oftentimes some people are looking for a sensible,

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respectful solution to be offered up so that they can just simply agree to it because they are not
in a place where they are going to come up with an effective solution on their own.

Rule number five: Keep Cool. If you yell, if you raise your voice, you sound like, what? Like you
have lost control. You are only going to be perceived as someone in control if you seem as
though you are in control. If you yell, you are not in control. If you swear, you are not in control.
And, if you swear, you will sounds as though you are starting to take the situation personally,
that you are emotionally invested, and you give up a lot of perceived authority if you sound
emotionally invested in the situation.

Of course, if you start to allow yourself to get upset, psychologically, if you are loud, if you are
excited, all of that fills up your mind and you cannot process things as effectively. In the rare
instance where things might be getting potentially dangerous, you are not going to be as
sensitive to that because you are not going to be as aware of other cues that are present. If you
can keep yourself low-key, you encourage others to do the same. Again, is this always going to
be easy? No. It's almost never easy, but it is absolutely worth doing.

Now, when we are talking about those rare circumstances where things could be potentially
becoming dangerous, then you need to pay attention to the final rule, which is rule number six.

Rule six: Listen for things that do not match. A person's voice can sound calm, but their specific
words might contain cues of imminent danger. The pace, the volume, or the pitch of their voice
can also be telling you things that their words do not. Here is what this rule means. When I say
listen for things that do not match, you need to notice if the words I am speaking are not
matching up with my body language. Do I keep getting closer to you? Are my hands starting to
fidget more? Do I look like I am getting increasingly agitated? You need to pay attention to
those things, and if things seem to be moving in a direction that is will potentially become
dangerous, it is time to stop talking.

Remember, you can always re-start the conversation at another time. You do not have to solve
this problem in this moment. As noble as it may feel, "Well, I've invested a half hour into this
already. I want to get to the bottom of this." Stop. You do not want to continue if it means
someone might get hurt. That is not helpful, and if somebody's getting so agitated that they
might do something stupid, that is not helpful for them either. If you have the burden of being
the sensible one in this moment, then be the sensible one and take real leadership and do what
you need to do to ensure that everybody stays safe.

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These are the six rules for managing problems. Several of these rules probably will not come
into play because most problems do not rise to the level where people are actually going to do
things that are a safety matter. However, respect for the problem at hand, honoring the
problem, making sure that everybody uses good manners, those are huge. Think in terms of
solving the problem rather than just allowing people to vent for the sake of venting (some
people will do that, again with the best of intentions), You can think, "Well, people are upset,
they just need to vent. They need to get things off their chest." In certain contexts, yes, but it is
not always appropriate to do that, and not every place is an appropriate place to do that.

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Chapter 14: Summary

SUMMARY

We have covered a lot of information in a short period of time, but there are some things we
need to bear in mind, and those are our own limitations. It is amazing thing to be able to solve
problems for people. It is very satisfying. It is a great way to impact the world, but we need to
remember that we are not going to be able to solve every problem we encounter.

We certainly cannot fix other people's behavior if their behavior is something that actually
needs fixing. If a person has been obnoxious their entire life, they are not going to stop being
obnoxious. More likely, if they are having a bad day they are going to want to share that. They
are going to want you to have a bad day too, and they will attempt to push your buttons, as
they are able just to get you emotionally involved in their situation in the same way they are.

In those situations, just try to remove yourself from the emotional aspects the best that you are
able to. Again, this is not easy – it is just very necessary. Focusing on the problem and not the
problem-maker can be a difficult thing to do. You may feel offended by a person's behavior,
and perhaps you would like to respond to their behavior in kind in order to soothe your own
self-esteem. Instead, try and remember this statement: If it would feel good to say something,
then that something is probably the wrong thing to say.

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About the Author

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(Add a paragraph about the author here.)

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