Chapt

erOne

Deat
h.War
.Di
sease.Al
lseemi
ngl
ybadt
hings.

Li
fe.Peace.Heal
th.Al
lassumedt
obegood,
posi
ti
ve.

Butwhati
sli
fewi
thoutdeat
h?

Whati
speacewi
thoutwar
?

Andwhati
sheal
thwi
thoutdi
sease?

Whatar
ethegoodday
swi
thoutt
hebadones?

Ev
ery
thi
ngi
srel
ati
ve…

“
Ever
ythi
ngi
srel
ati
ve?
”

“
…yeah”

“
Whati
sthi
s?Mat
hcl
ass?
”

“
No!I
’
mjustst
ati
ngt
hatev
ery
thi
ngi
sbei
ngcompar
edt
oeachot
heri
nthi
ssi
tuat
ion.
”

“
May
bey
oushoul
duseadi
ff
erentt
erm.
”

“
Ok,
ok.Butot
hert
hant
hat
,whatdoy
out
hink?
”

“
WhatdoIt
hink?
”

“
Yeah”

“
IfI
’
m compl
etel
yhonest
…Idon’
tli
kei
t.
”

“
Wow.Wai
twhy
?”

“I
t’
sjustnot…or
iginal.Ithi
nkI
’v
ehear
dt hewhole,‘
Youhavet
ohav ethebaddays,t
ohav et
he
goodones’.Andal sowithdeat
h,war
,anddisease,i
t’
sacomplet
elydif
fer
entt
hing.Thoseare
j
ustbadt hi
ngs,period.”

“
Ithi
nky
oumean,
seemi
ngl
ybadt
hings.
”

“Ok,f
ine.Seemingl
ybadthings.Butyougetmypoi
nt.It
hinky
oushoul
dgoi
nadi
ff
erent
dir
ecti
onf ory
ouressayassignment.
”

“
Buti
ttookmesol
ongt
ofi
gur
ethi
soneout
!”

“
Wel
l
,youst
il
lhav
eti
mer
ight
?”

“
It
’sduenextweek.
”
“
That
’senought
ime!AndI
’
llhel
pyouwi
thi
t.
”

“
Real
l
y?”

“
Real
l
y.”

“
Alr
ight
,let
’sdot
his.
”

6:
30

Iwakeupandt hr
owonsomel eggingsandanov er
sizedsweat shi
rt
.Ipul
lmythick,dar
k,br
own
hai
rintoahi ghponyt ailandsli
ponmygr eyvans.Ipluginmyearbudsi ntomyiPhoneandt ur
n
onmyf av or
iteplayli
st( mostl
yconsi st
ingofEDM) ,si
nceithelpswakemeupf ormymor ni
ng
walktothecaf e.Wal kingdownt hest r
eet sofSanFr anci
sco,Ibreat
heinthecr
isp,coolai
r.
Somel eaveshav estar tedtofallalready,eventhoughi t’
sonl
year l
yNovember.Thesunpeaks
thr
ought hegr eyclouds, shi
ningj ustbrightenoughandgi vi
ngenoughwar mthof f
.Abeauti
ful
dayforSanFr ancisco.

Notmanypeopl eareoutast her eusual

lyare,
probablybecausei
t’
sSat
ur day.Thr
eemi nutes
l
ater,Iarr
iveatCafeZoe,myf av or
it
ecafe.Ial
way sstopbyitonmymor ningrout
ine,
ev en
duri
ngt heweekdays.Theircoffeeisn’
tasbadasi tcoul
dbeandt heat
mospher eisquite
rel
axedandcozy .Alsothestaffisn’
thalfbad.

“
Hey
!”Sam cal
l
sout
.

“
What
?”Iask,
innocent
ly.

“
Hal
fbad?
”Heaskswi
thasmi
rk.

“
It
’ssupposedt
obeaj
oke!
”Il
augh.

“
Idon’
tthi
nkt
her
eaderwi
l
lgeti
t.
”

“
Wel
l
…okf
ine.
”

Al
so,
thest
affi
spr
ett
y…

ni
ce.

“
Nice?
”

“
Whatnow?
”

“
Youhav
eabet
terv
ocabul
aryt
hant
hat
,ri
ght
?”

“
OkMr
.Par
ti
cul
ar,
how‘
bouty
out
hrowoutani
dea.Si
ncey
ousai
dyou’
dhel
pme.
”

“
ImeantI
’
dhel
pyououtwi
thani
deaf
ory
ouressaypr
ompt
,notact
ual
l
ywr
it
ingt
heessay
.”

“
What
?Youdon’
tli
ke,
‘ANot
-So-
Regul
ardayf
ort
heav
erageSanFr
anci
scoGi
rl
’?
”
“
Ican’
trel
atet
oit
.”

“
Andwhyi
sthat
?”

“
…BecauseI
’
m aguy
,obv
iousl
y.
”

“
Wel
li
t’
sei
thert
hisi
deaort
he‘
Ever
ythi
ngi
sRel
ati
ve’
essay
.”

“
Yeah…I
’
dst
ickwi
tht
hisone.
”

“
You’
renohel
p.Youdoknowt
hatr
ight
?’

“
IndeedIdo.ButIgott
ogetbackt
owor
kany
way
,someact
ual
cust
omer
sar
ecomi
ngi
n.”

“
YoumeanI
’
m noty
ouronl
ycust
omer
?”Isayj
oki
ngl
y.

“
No,
you’
reourbestcust
omer
.”Sam r
epl
i
es.

“
That
’l
ldo.”Isay
,pi
ckingupmycomputer
,“Ok,wel
lIbet
tergetgoingtoot
hen.MaybeI’
llgot
o
t
heli
brar
yorsomething.I
t’
spr
ett
ypeacef
ulther
e.Icoul
dprobablygetmostoft
hisessaydone.
”

“
Ha!Notl
i
kel
y.
”

“
Yeahwe’
l
lsee.Any
way
,soseey
out
omor
row?
”Iask,
ali
tt
lequi
eter
.

“
…um,
yeahsur
e.ButIt
houghty
ousai
dyouhadadat
ewi
thTonyt
omor
rowmor
ning.
”Sam say
s.

“Oh,
right
.If
orgotaboutthat.Oops,
okwell
..
.maybeI
’l
lseey
ouintheaf
ter
noont
hen.
Anyway…um,bye”Isay,t
ryingtoqui
ckl
yfi
nisht
heconver
sat
ion.

“
Yeah,
byeLucy
.”

Chapt
erTwo

IhurryoutofthecafeasfastasIcan.Icannotbel
iev
eIhadforgott
enaboutmydat
e.Well
,
actuall
yIcouldbel
ievethat
.ButwhatIcouldn’
tbel
ievewasthatSam hadr
ememberedandIj
ust
hadt obri
ngitup.RightwhenSam andIwer eact
uall
yget
ti
ngsomewher e.

Nomat
ter
.It
houghtt
omy
sel
f.Let
’sj
ustgett
othel
i
brar
yandf
ini
sht
hisst
upi
dessay
.

Iwalki
ntothepubl
i
cli
brar
yandgr abaseatatoneoft
hosebi
g,comf
y,l
oungechai
rs.It
akemy
l
aptopoutandopenmywor ddocument.

Al
ri
ght
,let
’sgett
ypi
ng.It
hinkt
omy
sel
f.

Iscr
atchedthe,“
ANot -
So-
Regul
ardayf
ort
heav
erageSanFr
anci
scoGi
rl
”,anddeci
dedt
ojust
wingitandstar
ttypi
ng.

Onceuponat
ime…
No,
that
sjustst
upi
d.

Oneday
,alit
tlegi
rlwal
kedi
ntoani
cecr
eam par
lor
.Butl
i
ttl
edi
dsheknowt
hatanadv
ent
ure
waswai
tingforheri
nsi
de.

No,
no.That
’sev
enst
upi
der
.

Somepeopl ebel i
evethatarear ej
usttwot y
pesofpeopl eint heworld: Extrover
tsandInt
roverts.
Butoneper soncannotj ustbeanextrovertorj
ustani ntrov er
t.Aper soncan’ tbeonlyshy,and
nothingelse.Oronl youtgoing,andhavenoot herfeeli
ngswhat soever.Peopl ear ecompl
icated,
verycompl i
cat ed.Every
bodyhasl otsoffeeli
ngstheyf eel dail
y.Somepeopl ehaveabett
ert i
me
expressingthei rf
eeli
ngs,whileother
sdon’ t
.Somer ealizet hefeeli
ngst heyhav e,and
under st
andt hem allandcancont rol
them.Whi l
eot hers,includingmy self,haveno
under st
andingatal l
.Thismayseem compl i
cated,whichi tis,butwel lhell
,soar ewe.

Hey!That’
snothal
fbad…Imean,
right
?MaybeIshoul
dtakeapictur
eandsendi
ttoSam…No,
no.
That’
djustbeawkwardaf
tert
hewholeTonyi
nci
dent.Al
ri
ght
,let
’scont
inue…

Allmylif
e,I’
vebeent heshyone.Thatgi r
linthebackoft heclassr oom whonev errai
sesher
hand,andwhensheget scall
edon, speakswithav erysoftv
oice.Iwast hegirlwho,yes,hada
fewclosefri
ends, butneveralot.Thegir
lwhonev ertri
edoutf oraspor tsteam, oraplay,orwas
i
nanycl ubs.Thegi r
lwhonev erwenttoanyf ootball
gamesordances.ButIwasal sothegirl
whoalway sturnedinherassignment sontime,whogotA’ sinal mostal lofher(mayIadd,
advanced)classes,andthegirlwhoknewwhatshewant edtobel if
eandhadapl anforit
.
Freshmany earofhighschool,Iknewexact l
ywhatIwant edtobe: Awr i
ter.Iwouldgot ocoll
ege,
majorinwr i
ti
ng,andaf t
erwardsbecomeawor ld-f
amousnov elist.Ilov
edwr i
ti
ngfict
ion,
especi
allyonesaboutr omance.

Soyousee,peoplecanbev er
ycompli
cated.Thei
rext
eri
orthattheyshowtothepublici
snot
thei
ronl
ypersonali
ty.Theycouldbehi
dingsomef eel
i
ngs,verydeepdowninsidethemselv
es.
Youneverknowwhataper soncoul
dbegoi ngthr
ough,whattheirdr
eamsareinli
fe,orj
ust
what…

“
Hey
…Lucy
!”Ihear
dsomeoneshout
,myheadspr
ingi
ngupf
rom mycomput
er.

Il
ookedupandi
nst
ant
lyt
hecol
ordr
ainedf
rom myf
ace,
“Oh…um hey
.HeyTony
.”

“Woah,
whatchadoin’her
ebabe?”Tonysai
dashel
eanedi
ntoki
ssmycheek.Hi
sli
pswere
oddl
ywarm andt
het ouchsentshi
ver
sdownmyspine,
andnoti
nagoodway.Hesmel
ledof
weedandal
cohol.Icri
ngedatthesmell
.

“
Oh,
Iwasj
ustwor
kingonsomehomewor
k.But
…uh,
whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?”

“
Ah,
wel
lact
ual
l
yIcameher
elooki
ngf
ory
ou,
babe.
”

“
Me?How’
dyouknowIwasher
e?”Iasked,
suspi
ciousl
y.

“
Ohy
ouknow,
Ijustsensedi
tIguess,
”Tonysai
dwi
thal
i
ttl
elaughatt
heend.
“
Oh…ha,
funny
,”Ir
epl
i
ed,
wit
hahal
fsmi
l
e.

“
Buty
eahanyway,
sonowthatweretogether
,whydon’twegooutandgetsomet
hingt
oeat
?”
Hi
seyesl
ookedst
onedandIcoul
dtellhewasdefi
nit
elydr
unk.

“
Ohum, I
’
m sosor
rybutIr
eal
lyneedtofi
nishthi
sassi
gnment
.Iwaskindaonar
oll
andIwoul
d
f
eelmor
ecomfort
abl
efini
shi
ngittoni
ght
.”Ispokeasf
astasIcoul
d,hopi
ngmay
behewould
j
ustl
eav
eitbe.

“
What
!Comeonbabe,it
’sSat
urday
.Let’sgooutt
oabar
,gr
abacoupl
edr
inks,
I’
ll
takey
ouback
t
omyplace…”Hest
art
edtospeaklouder.

“Pl
ease…Tony
,Ir
eall
yneedtofinishthi
s.But,but
..
.um t
omorr
ow,tomorrowmor
ningwewer
e
goi
ngtomeetup,r
ight
?”Iasked,stut
ter
ing.Iwasstar
ti
ngtoshakeali
tt
le.

“
What
?Ohy
eahr
ight
.”Hel
aughed,
“If
orgotaboutt
hat
.”Hewaspr
act
ical
l
yshout
ingbynow.

“
Ha…r
ight
,”Iwhi
sper
ed.

“Yeah…what
everLucy
.IguessI
’
llseey
out
omor
rowt
hen.
”Hewasal
readyst
art
ingt
owal
k
away .

“
Wai
…wai
tTony
.”Ical
l
edout
,st
andi
ngup,
“I…Il
ovey
oubabe.
”

Helookedbackt
owardsme,handsi
nhi
sjeanpocket
s,hi
spant
ssaggi
ngal
i
ttl
e.Isaw
ci
garet
tesi
nhisbackpocket
.

“Yeahwhatever
…”Hequiet
lysai
dandthencont
inuedonwalki
ng.Inoti
cedahickeyont
heback
ofhisneck,hal
fcov
eredbythecol
l
arofhi
sshir
t.I’
venev
ergiv
enahi ckeybef
ore.

Chapt
erThr
ee

Isi
ghedandsatbackdown.Iquickl
ypackedupmycomput erandranintot
herestr
oom.Once
i
nside,
Iranint
oast all
andst
art
edtocry.Hol
dingmyhandstomyf ace,Icr
ieduncont
rol
l
ably
,
mysniff
lesechoingthr
ought
heroom.Ididn’
tcarei
fsomeoneelsewasi nt
here,t
hey’
dhaveto
dealwi
ththenoises.

OnceIhadnomor etear
stocry,
Istoodup,gotmybag, andwal kedout.Ididn’
tknowwher eI
waswalking,
justawayfrom t
hatplace,
anywherebutthere.Theai rwasmuchcool erbyt hen,I
wishedIhadbroughtajacket
.Iwalkedbyaparkwithsomechi ldrenplayi
nginit,
Isatdownata
benchandwat chedasthemomsanddadspl ay
edwi t
hthel i
tt
lekids.Itr
iedtosmile.Iopened
mybadandt ookoutmycomput er.Ideci
dedtoopenupanewwor ddocumentandst artedt o
ty
pe…

Somepeoplegr ewupwiththe“tr
adi
ti
onal”famil
yli
fe.Other
s,likemy sel
f,di
dnot.Mymom got
pregnantwi
thmewhenshewassev enteen.Shewasi nherjunioryearofhighschooland
droppedoutthemomentshef oundout.Myf at
herwasaseni ori nhi
ghschoolatthetime.They
hadbeengoingoutforonlythr
eemonths.Mydadwasat ot
al alcohol
icandav er
yfrequentdr
ug
user
,asmymom descr
ibes.Shenev
ert
oldherpar
ent
swhathappened,
shej
ustr
anawayone
dayandnev
err
etur
ned.

Tot hi
sdayIdon’tevenknowwhatmygr andparent
s’namesar e.Sher anawayt oSanFr ancisco,
whichiswherewel i
v enow.Mymom t ol
dmet hatwhenshetoldmyf atherthatshewas
pregnant,
hetol
dherhedi dn’twantme,t
hatsheshouldgetanabor t
ioni fshestil
lwantedt obe
withhim.Andthatifshetoldanyonet
hatIwashis,he’
dkil
lher.SoIdon’ tblameherf orrunning
away .AndShe’
sbeenpr ett
ysuccessf
ulonherown.Cameupwi thawhol enewi dent
ity
,gota
fai
rlygoodjobworkingasamanager ,
andwel i
veinasmall,yethomey ,
twobedr oom apartment.

Andi fyou’
rewonder i
ng,Iwasabl etogetaschol arshipatmycol lege,somymom wasv ery
proud.Mymom al sot ol
dmet hatfiveyearsafterIwasbor n,shedecidedtogoonl i
neandseeif
shecoul dfi
ndany t
hingaboutmyf ather.Shetoldmet hatshef oundouthehaddi edinadrunk
dri
vingaccidentonlytwoy earsafterhewasoutofhi ghschool.Hewast hedri
ver
.So,growing
upwasav erydif
ferentexperi
encet hanmostot herkidsatmyschool had.Butmymom andI
arev er
yclose,sowemadei tthrought ogether
.AndIdeci dedtonev erlookupanythi
ngabout
myf ather,
becauseIknewal l
Ineeded( andwant ed)toknowabouthi m.

Il
ookedupatt
heskyandf
eltadr
opofwat
erl
andonmyf
ace.

“
Ohno”

Ther ai
nstar
tedtocomedownf ast
erandf
aster.Iqui
ckl
yzi
ppedupmycomput
erandst
art
edt
o
run.Iranunt
ilIgott
otheapar
tmentandqui
cklywentupthestai
rs.

Mymom andIl i
veinanapar tmentt hat’
saboveaChineserestaur
ant,whichisact uall
yprett
y
good.Sobasicall
ywhatI ’
mt ry
ingt osayisthatweeattherealot,
li
keev erynight.Anyway ,
the
buildi
ngabovether estauranti
spai ntedadarkgreyandhast hi
sVictori
anlookt oit.Ther
e’s
threestor
iesabovet herestaurantandmymom andIl iv
eont heverytopst ory
,whi chmeans
therearealotofstepst oclimbev eryday.AndbecauseithasaVictori
ansty l
etoi t
,thest
epsar e
veryti
nyandv er
ycr eaky.

There’
smost lydarkwoodi nsi
dethebuildi
ngandwei rdoldchandelier
sev er
ywhere.Ont hefi
rst
fl
oor(abovether estaurant)
,li
vesthi
smusi ciancouple.They ’
reprobablyint
heirl
atetwenties
andtheirstyl
eisv eryrock.Youcanalway shearthem pl ayi
ngmusi c,whichcangetpretty
annoyi
ng.Sot heot herpeoplewhol i
veinthebui l
dingst ar
tedthi
swei rdpeti
ti
onthingtoget
them t
oei t
hermov eoutorsoundpr ooftheirwall
s, whichtheydidneitherof
.Nobodyr eall
y
caresanymor e,
inf actit
’sli
kewhitenoisetousnow.

Alsoont hesamef l
oorli
vest hefami lywhoownt heChi neser estaurant.They ’
repr obablyt
he
nicestfami l
yy ou’l
levermeet .Thef amil
yconsi stsofli
ket went ypeopl e(whoal l workinthe
restaur
ant) ,
wi thgrandparents,parents,aunt s,
uncl
es,cousi ns,secondcousi ns,andl otsand
l
ot sofchildren.Itcangetpr ett
ycr azy.Mov ingontothenextf loor,li
vesaqui et,oldmanwho
hadt hesamer outineeverymor ning( whichIsomet i
mes, usuall
ywat ch).Afterhewakesup, he
picksuphi snewspaper ,
wal kstot hecafet hatisnextt
oourbui lding( whichInev ergot o
becauset hecof f
eetheresucks) ,picksupt hesamedr inkev eryday ,
andt hensitsonhi sbalcony
f
orwhi
l
eunt
il(
Ipr
esume)hehast
ogot
owor
k.

Alsoont hatfloorli
vesomef loater
s.Wecal lthem t
hatbecauset herear eatleasttwor oomson
thatfl
oort hatareforpeoplewhocomeandgo.I t’
sactual
lykindacr eepy.Somet imesy ou’l
lhear
noisesint herooms, andsomet i
mesi t’
l
lbedeadsi l
entfortwoweeksst rai
ght .Nolight
s, no
noises,theirmailnevergetspickedup,nothing.Andthenaf ewday sl at
er,you’l
lstartt
ohear
noisesagai nandlightsgoon, butyou’l
lneverseethem comei n.Infact,Ithi
nkt helastti
meI
sawt hem wasl iketwoy ear
sago.Li keIsai
d, cr
eepy.Anyway ,
mov ingupt oourf loorli
veswel l
,
us,obviously.

There’sal soanot hergirl

whol i
vesupt herei nherear lyt
hirt
ies.She’sv eryquietaswel l
,and
ownsl ot sofcat s.Ithi
nkshehost sabookcl ubt hingeveryweek, becausesomeday sI’
llhear
l
otsofchat terandlaughingi ntheroom.Andt henI ’
ll
watcht hr
oughourpeepwhol einourdoor
andwat chasatl easttenpeopl ewal kout, allholdingthesamebook.AndI ’vewat chedhercat s
afewt imeswhi l
eshewasawayonv acation, andsheownsal otofbooks.Myt heoryisthatshe
i
sal ibrarian, oraschool teacher,butI’
venev eraskedher .May beIjustlikethemy stery.Or
may bei tgiv esmemor eoppor tunit
iestowr it
est oriesabouther .Alsoonourf loorlivesav ery
annoy i
ngf ami l
y.Thisfami l
yismuchsmal lerthant heChineseonedownst ai
rs, butmuchmor e
annoy i
ng.Theyhav etwov er
yannoy ing,twi nboy swhoar eaboutt en,Ithink.Any wayt heylove
torunupanddownt hestai r
sandknockev ery thi
ngov erandcol orthewal lswi thmar kers.Also,
Icanal way shearthem play i
ngt hei
rv i
olentv ideogamesatt hr
eei nthemor ning.Andt hey ’
re
onlyten!Idon’ tknowhowmanyt i
mesI ’vehadt ogetupandoutofmybed, wal kov ertotheir
apartment ,andslam ont heirfr
ontdoorandy ell,
“TURNDOWNTHEDAMNT. V.!Someofusar e
tr
yingtosl eep!”

Whichthenleadst ot heboyscryingandt hrowingat antrum,whichleadstothei

rparent sgett
ing
veryannoyedatme, whichleadst othem comi ngovert oourapartmentandslammi ngonour
doorsayingthingsli
ke, “Thi
sischildabuse!We’ l
lcallthepolice!
”Whichtheyneverdo, because
i
t’sal
ltal
k.Any wayt hat’
sapr et
tyregularthingthathappens.Ther earesomeotherpeopl ewho
l
iveinthebuilding,
butt hey’
renotthatinterest
ing,orI’
v eneverreal
lypai
denoughat tentionto
them t
obeabl etowr it
eaboutthem…

“
Lucy!Di
nner
ti
me!”Mymom cal
lsfr
om t
hekit
chen.Myheadspri
ngsupf
rom mycomput
er.I
l
ookatthecl
ock,
HowlonghadIbeenwri
ti
ng?It
hinkt
omy sel
f.

Istandup,
sav
etheworddocument,
andheadtothekit
chen.Ismel
lpest
oasIwal
kint
othe
room.Mymom tur
nsandsmilesatme,
hershort
,browncurl
sbounci
ng.

“
Look,
Imadey
ourf
avor
it
e.I
t’
saham andpest
osandwi
ch.
”

Icomecl
oserandsmel
lthef
ood,
“Itsmel
l
samazi
ng,
thanks.
”

“
Nopr
obl
em,
hon.
”

Wesitdownatt
hel
i
ttl
etabl
eint
hehal
l
wayt
hatwecal
lourdi
ningr
oom,
andeatour
sandwi
ches.
ThenextmorningIgetupanddomyusual r
outi
neandheadt oCaf
eZoe.Istaredownoneof
theannoyi
ngboyswho’ spl
ayi
ngonthest
air
s,whothenproceedst
orunbackt ohisapart
ment
,
cryi
ng.Il
aughsil
ent
ly.Igi
veafri
endl
yhel
l
ot oAya,
who’sworksatther
estaurantandstar
tmy
walk.

Chapt
erFour

Thebel lonthecafedoorchimesasIwal kt
hrough.Thewarmt hhitsmeli
keasl apt otheface.I
quicklytakeoffmyscar fandjacketandwalkovertothecounter.Ther
earen’
tmanypeopl e
i
nside, nobodyisatthecounterandonlyoneotherpersonissi
t t
ingdownatat able.Ilook
around, observ
ingthedimlyli
troom.Itspur
plewalls,
woodent ablesandchai
rs,thesmel lof
roastedcof f
eebeansandci gars,t
heshadesont hewindows,preventi
nganynatural l
i
ghtfrom
comi ngin.Trulyacrappycafe.

SowhydoIwalkf
orf i
veminutesjustt
ocomehere,
whenIcoul
dwal
kthi
rt
ysecondsf
rom my
houset
oanot
hercrappycafe?Ithi
nktomysel
f.

“
Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?”Sam asks,
waki
ngmeupf
rom myt
hought
s.

Ohy
eah,
that
’swhyIcomeher
e.

“
Isi
tacr
imet
ogetcof
feenow?
”Iask,
desper
atel
ytr
yingt
oli
ght
ent
hemood.

Sam st
art
stowal
ktowar
dst
hecashr
egi
ster
,“WhatcanIgety
ou?
”heasksme,
notmaki
ngey
e
cont
act.

“
CanIha…canIj
usthav
emyr
egul
ar?
”Iaskqui
etl
y,j
ustwant
ingt
his“
conv
ersat
ion”t
obeov
er.

Sam say
ssomet
hingunderhi
sbr
eat
handst
art
stopushbut
tonsont
hecashr
egi
ster
.

It
akeadeepbreath,
sigh,
andgr i
pthecount
erti
ghtl
y,“
What
?Hm?Whatt
hehel
li
syour
pr
obl
em?”Ileanincl
oser,hopi
ngtomakeey econt
act.

Sam’
sheadshoot
sup,makinginstantey
econt
act
.Hi
sst
arei
sicy
,hi
sbl
ueey
espenet
rat
ing
i
ntomyskul
l
.Feel
ingi
nsecure,
Ilookaway .

“
Whatt
hehel
li
smypr
obl
em?Whatt
hehel
li
s

y
ourpr
obl
em?
”Hi
svoi
cegr
owsl
ouder
,“Whatt
hehel
lar
eyoudoi
ngher
etoday
,Lucy
?”

“
Wha…whatdoy
oumean?
”Iask,
spi
ral
i
ngwi
thconf
usi
on.

“
Ohcomeon!Don’
ttel
lmey
ou‘
for
got
’agai
nabouty
ourbr
eakf
astdat
ewi
thTony
?”Hey
ell
s.

Oh…damn.It
hinkt
omy
sel
f.

If
eel
myf
acest
artt
ogetr
ed,
Ilookatmyf
eet
.

“
Lucy
…whydoy
ouev
encomeher
e?”
“
I…I
…”Ist
ammer
.I’
m atal
ossf
orwor
ds.

“Lucy,I’
veknowny ouf oroverayearnow, andforthedurationoft haty eary ou’vebeenwi th
Tony .AndIdon’tknowwhyt hehellyou’
reevenwi t
hhim becausewhenev eryouhav eadat e
withhim orsomet ypeofpl an…youal waysendupher e,hi
dingi nthiscaf e.Andi fyouactuall
y
dosomet hi
ngwithhi m,youalwaysendupher eaf t
erwards,shiveringandcr ying.AndI ’
mt he
onewhot al
ksyout hroughit,I
’
mt heoney oucrywithbecauseofhi m.Andy et, you’
resti
ll
wi t
h
him andIcan’tseem t ofi
gureoutwhy .Andit’
s…”Hesl amshi sfistdownont hecount erand
mor equietl
ysays,“Andi t
’ssohard…t oseeyoulikethat…Ihat eseei ngthathe’ shurtyou,andI
trymybestt ohelpy oubutattheendoft hedayhe’ ssti
lly
ourboy f
r i
end.Andy ou’vemadei t
clearthatIcan’
tint
er f
erewiththat.
”Hesni f
fl
esal i
ttl
eandst andsupst raightagai n.

Ifeel
at earr
undownmycheek,
myl
i
pqui
ver
ing.Sam wal
ksar
oundt
hecount
erandcomes
towardsme.

Ishakemyhead,
say
ing,
“You…y
oudon’
tunder
stand.
”

Hecomesevencl
oserandput
shishandst
omyar
ms.Hol
dingt
hem,
looki
ngdeepi
ntomyey
es,
hesay
s,“
Thenmakemeunderstand.
”

Chapt
erFi
ve

ImetTonyaboutay earandahal fago.Iwasincoll

egeandoneni ghtmyf ri
endsandIwant ed
togooutt othi
snewbari nt own.Thatnightwassupposedtobeagi rl
snightout ,soIputona
l
itt
le,
blackdress,somehi ghheels,andheadedout.Oncewearri
ved, wesawahugel i
neoutsi
de
thebar.Wewer edisappoint
edbutdeci dedtogostandint
heli
neany way.Af teraboutten
minutesofwaiti
ng,Ihadhadenoughofi tandwentupt ot
hefrontoftheline.Ther ewasoneof
thosebigsecuri
tymenst andingtherewithacli
pboardi
nhishand.Iconfi
dent lytappedhim on
theshoulder
.Het urnedaroundandIi nst
antl
yfel
tli
keamousest andingnextt oacat …avery
l
argecat.

Hegr
unt
ed,
“Yeah…whatdoy
ouwant
?”

“
Um…Iwasj ustwonderi
ng…i
fmaybeyoucoul
dletmeandmyf
ri
endsi
n.We’
vej
ustbeen
wai
ti
ngher
ef orawhil
eandIt
hought
…”

“
What?Yout
houghtwhat
?”Hei
nter
rupt
edme,
“Yout
houghtt
hatIwoul
dlety
oui
njustbecause
y
ouaskedni
cel
y?”

“
Wel
l
…yeahki
nda,
”Isai
dqui
etl
y.

“Welll
etmet el
lyousomethi
ngmissy
…”Heleanedi
ntowardsme,
myhear
tst
art
edt
orace,
my
breat
hquickeni
ng,“I
’
m notgonnal
etyoui
n,eveni
fyou…”

“
Hey!
”Amany
ell
edf
rom i
nsi
det
hecl
ub.Hewal
kedout
sidet
omeandt
hesecur
it
yman,
“She’
s
wi
thme.
”

Thesecur
it
ymanqui
ckl
yst
eppedawayf
rom me,
hisf
acet
urni
ngr
ed.“
Oh…I
’
m sosor
ryMr
.
Delav
ega.Shedi
dn’
tsayanythi
ngaboutit
.”Heturnedtome, “
I’
m sov
erysor
ryma’
am,
itwon’
t
happenagai
n.Her
e,cal
lyourfr
iendsupandI’
l
lletthem t
hrough.
”

Iwasal
lver
yconf
usedbutcal
ledupmyfr
iendsanyway,whoqui
ckl
ywenti
nsi
de.Ist
art
edt
o
wal
kint
othecl
ubwhentheothermanpul
l
edmet othesi
de.

“
Woah”Isai
d,st
art
led.

“
Ohsor
ry,
didn’
tmeant
oscar
eyou.
”Hecastasmi
l
e,agenui
ne,
sweetsmi
l
e.

Il
aughedal
i
ttl
e,“
Nah,
it’
snopr
obl
em.Heyt
hankssomuchf
orbackt
her
e.Yousav
edmyass.
”

“
Andwhatapr
ett
yasst
obesav
ing.
”

Ist
art
edt
olaugh.

“
Oh!I
’m sosor
ryi
fthatof
fendedy
ou.Ir
eal
l
ydi
dn’
tmeant
osayt
hat
.”Hi
scheeksst
art
edt
otur
n
r
ed.

Cont
inui
ngt
olaugh,
Irepl
i
ed,
“Noi
t’
sok,
nopr
obl
em.
”

Wel
aughedt
oget
herf
oral
i
ttl
ebi
t.“
So…y
ou’
reMr
.Del
avega?I
fI’
vehear
dcor
rect
ly?
”Iaskhi
m.

“
Hm?Ohum,
yeah,
that
’sme.Ipar
ti
all
yownt
hisbar
.”

“
What?Wow!That’
sincr
edi
ble.It
’soneofthemostpopul
arint
own.”Isay
,sur
pri
sed,
“And…
wel
l
…y ou’
resoy
oung.Imeany oudon’tl
ookli
keachil
doranyt
hing,
butImean…youlookyoung
t
oalr
eadybeowningabar.
”Ishakemyhead, soembarr
assed.

Lucki
l
yhelaughs,“Nahi
t’
sfi
ne,Igetthatal
lthet
ime.Myfatherr
eall
yownsi
t,butI
’
vehel
ped
outalot
.Especi
all
ytogett
hisonerunning,
sonowIparti
all
yowni t
.”

“
That
’ssocool
!Iwi
shIhadsomet
hingl
i
ket
hat
.”

“
May
bey
ouwi
l
l…someday
.”

“
Yeah,
onecandr
eam Iguess.Any
wayI
’
m Lucy
,”Isay
,reachi
ngoutmyhand.

“
Nicet
omeety
ouLucy
.I’
m Tony
,TonyDel
avega.
”

Il
ookedupatSam whowasf
ocusedbey
ondbel
i
efatmyst
ory
.

“So…yeahthat’
skindait,
onhowImethim atl
east
,”Isay.Att
hispoint
,ther
e’snobodyi
nthe
cafeexceptSam andI.Bothsi
tt
ingont
hel
oungechairs.Him,hol
dinganicedteaandme,
holdi
ngahotchocolate.

Sam st
ruggl
esf
oraf
ewmoment
stof
indhi
swor
ds,
“Wha…wai
…hmm”

Iawkwar
dlyl
ookar
ound,
“Yes?
”
“
Why
…whydi
dyouy
out
ell
met
hat
?”Heasksme.

“Whydi
dItel
lyouthat
?Wel
l
,ther
e’smuchmor
etot
hisst
ory
.Buty
oual
way
sgot
tast
art
somewher
eright
?”

Rel
i
eff
lushesov
erhi
sface,
“Oh…It
houghtt
hatwasi
t.Ok,
cont
inueont
hen.
”

Ir
ear
rangemyposi
ti
onandcont
inueon…

Chapt
erSi
x

Therestoftheni
ght,TonyandIspenttogether
.Weor deredsomedr i
nks,dancedal i
tt
le,butwe
mostlyt
alked.Wetalkedf
orhours.Mostlyaboutour
selves,l
ikeourpasts,ourdesi
res,fear
s,
andmor e.Ir
ememberhegav emehisnumberr i
ghtbeforewedepartedandwhi speredintomy
ear
,“Useitordon’
t,butIf
eltsomethi
ngtonight
.”

Afewday swentbyandIst i
l
l hadn’tcal
ledTony ,orev entext
edhim.Ihadfi
l
ledthoseday swi
th
l
otsofstudyi
ng,tr
yingt
ogetmymi ndof fi
t.Ihadn’tbeeni narel
ati
onshi
psi
ncehi ghschool
,
andther
efor
eIwaski ndanerv ous.Butfourdaysaf terthatni
ghtoneofmyfriendsfor
cedmet o
cal
lhim.Hepickedupaftertwor ings.

“
…Hel
l
o?”

“
Oh…um…hey
.”

“
Uh,
whoam Ispeaki
ngt
o?”

“
Ohsor
ry!Thi
sisLucy
.”

“
Oh!Wow,
Ihadgi
venuphopeony
oucal
l
ingme.
”

“
…”

“
Sor
ry,
thatsoundedwei
rd.
”

“
Nahi
t’
scool
.”

“
So…”

“
So…”

Il
aughedweakl
y,whi
chmadehi
mlaughaswel
l
.

[
Itwasapr
ett
yawkwar
dfi
rstphoneconv
ersat
ion]

“SoIwasthi
nki
ng,maybeyouwoul
dwantt
omeetuplat
erthi
sweek.”Tonysaid,
“Wecouldgo
andgrabsomelunch,
walkar
ound,
maybeseeamovi
eintheeveni
ng.Justsomeideas.
”

“
Yeah,
thatal
lsoundswonder
ful
.
”
“
Ok…okcool
.”

“
Cool
…soI
’
lluh,
texty
oul
atert
opi
ckaday
.”

“
Alr
ightcool
.”

“
Ha…cool
.”

“
Alr
ight
,by
eLucy
.”

“
…by
e.”

Ourf i
rstdatewentpr ett
ynor mal.Hewasal way sverygr
aciousandsweet .Wemetat11: 30at
thisrestaurantcall
edMar dini
’
s, whichwasoneofhi sfavori
tes.Aft
erwards, wewal kedaround
theplazaandgr abbedsomecof feeandi cecream.Wet alkedalot,evenhel dhandsatonepoi nt.
Thenhedr oppedmeof fatmyhouseandwepar t
edway s.Wekeptmeet i
ngup, mor eandmor e
frequentlyast hedayswenton.I treall
ywasl i
keanynor mal rel
ati
onship.Imethi sparents,hi
s
fri
ends,Istay edoverathishouseaf ewt i
mes, andviceversa.Weev enmov edintogetherathis
house.It houghtIwasf al
linginlove.Wecel ebratedouronemont hanni versar
y,twomont h,
threemont h…andev enhalfay earanniversar
y .Theneveryt
hingstart
edt ogodownhi l
l.

Iremembert hef i
rstsi
gn...t
hemomentwhenIr eali
zedhowbadt hiswasgett
ing.Imean, f
ora
whil
e,thingsst art
edt ogodownhi ll
:Tonymi ssingourdat eswi t
hsomel ame,l
astmi nuteexcuse;
al
way sbei nglate;nevergetti
nghomeunt i
lafterthreeinthemor ningandsayi
ngsomet hingli
ke,
‘
Iwasf inishi
ngupbusi nessattheBar ’
;missingal coholbott
lesthatI’
dfi
ndafewday slater,
empty,inTony ’scar ,
andmyf r
iendstell
i
ngmet hattheysawTonywi t
hsomeot hergirl
sata
cl
uboneni ght.Itwasanawf ulti
me.Icouldt el
lTonywasspi ral
ingdownhil
l
.Hewasdev elopi
ng
someser iousi ssuesandwasbecomi ngawhol edi ff
erentpersonthanthemanIf el
linlov ewit
h.

Whenev erItriedt oconfronthim aboutt heseissues, hewouldwav et hem offli

ketheywer e
nothing, l
i
kenot hinghadchanged, l
ikeev er
ythingwasnor malandt heexactwayi twas
supposedt obe.Icr i
edal otduringthattime.It al
kedt omymom al otaswel l
.Thenoneni ght,
I
wasl ayinginbed, st
ari
ngatt heclockandwai ti
ngf orTonytocomehome.I twas4: 30inthe
mor ning.Itwasal way shardtof al
lasleepwhenTonydi dn’
tcomehome.ThenIhear dthefront
dooropen.Hewasal waysv eryloudwhenhecamei nthehouse.Icoul dalreadywhiffthesmell
ofalcohol ,weed, andprobablysomegi rl
’sperfumeonhi m.Andf orsomer eason, onthat
parti
cularni ght,Ijustcouldn’thandleitanymor e.Ijumpedupandoutoft hebedandwal ked
overtot hebat hroom, whichwaswher ehewas.Thedoorwascl osedsoIpoundedoni t.

“
TONYOPENTHEDAMNDOOR!
”Iscr
eamed.

Therewassi
lence,somemumbling,
andthi
nkhebumpedi
ntosomethi
ngsbefor
efi
nal
l
y
openingt
hedoor.Iwalkedi
ntot
hebathr
oom andst
art
edy
ell
i
ng,scr
eamingathi
m.

“Whatthehel
lTony!I
t’
sfouri
nt hemor ni
ng!Whatthehel
l
?Yousmel ldi
sgusti
ng!Hav eyoubeen
smokingweed?”Icont
inuedy
ellingathim.Hestart
edtoyel
lback,mostl
yjustnonsense,
probabl
ybecausehewassodr unk,hecouldn’
tputasent
encetogether
.
Then, al
lofasudden, hegrabbedmyar m.Ishutupi mmedi at
ely.Hisgr aspwassot i
ght, myar m
start
edt ogonumb.Hecont i
nuedy ell
i
ng.Then, Islappedhi m acrosst hef ace.Hewasn’ tdown
forthatlong.Iwasscar edoutofmymi nd,myhear twaspumpi ngr apidly,Iwashy pervent i
lati
ng,
mybodywasshaki nguncontroll
ably.Andt hen,Tonypunchedt hebat hroom mi rr
orwi thhi sfist
.
Hepunchedi tsohar dthatov erhal
fofi tbrokeoffandf ellontous.Hest art
edtoswear
uncont r
oll
ably.Piecesofbr okenglasswer eev ery
wher e,Istil
lhav esomescar sfrom thatni ght.
Wewer ebothbl eeding,
most lyonmyar ms.Hishandwascutupbadl y, Irememberseei ngt he
cut:verydeep.I twasdisgusting.Then, hepunchedmei nt hegut .Ifel
l ontothefloor,Ithink.I
don’tremembert hispartasmuchbecauseIwasv erycloset ounconsci ous.Ifel
tlikeIwas
throwingup.It hinkhekickedmeaf ewt i
mesonmysi deandt henhel eftmet hereandwal ked
away .Inapileofbr okenglass,withbloodpour ingfrom myar ms.It houghtIwasgoi ngt odi e.

Aft
erthatIdon’trememberany t
hingunti
lthemor ning.Iwokeupi nahospi
talbed.The
fl
uorescentli
ghtwasharshonmyey esandt herewer esomet ubesi
nme.Iwashookedupt oa
ver
ybi gmachine.Onlyonepersonsatinmyr oom withme; shewasreadi
ngabook.I twasmy
mom.It hinkImadeanoi sebecausemymom suddenl ylookedupfr
om herbook.Sher anov
er
tomybedandst art
edcrying.

“
OhLucy
!OhLucy
!You’
reawake!
”Sheki
ssedmyhands.

It
ri
edt
osmi
l
ebuti
thur
ttoomuch.

“Shhshhbaby,
don’
tspeak.I
’
m her
e.Ev
ery
thi
ngi
sok.You’
regoi
ngt
obej
ustf
ine.You’
resaf
e
now,Ipr
omise.
”

Mymom al waysknewexactl
ywhatIneededtohear
.Ir
ememberIbur
stoutcr
ying.Itwas
pai
nful
,butIcoul
dn’tcont
rol
it.Wecr
iedtoget
herf
orawhi
leunt
ilmydoct
orcamei n.

Apparentl
yIhadneededl ot
sofsti
tchesforthet
encut
sonmyar ms,Ihadtwobrokenr
ibs,
a
veryminorconcussion,andIwasv erybrui
sedupal
lover
.HesaidIwasluckyt
ohavenointer
nal
bleedi
ng,butwasv eryclosetoi
tandt hat’
swhyIwaskeptov
erni
ght.

Mymom t ol
dmet hataf
tershetr
iedcall
ingmemul tipl
etimest hatnight,andwhenIdidn’
t
answer ,shedecidedt ogoovertoTony ’
s.Shesaidthefrontdoorwaswi deopenandt her
ewas
atrailofbloodfrom thesidewal
kt othefrontdoor
,whichwaspr obablyTony’s.Onceshefound
me, halfunconsciousinthebathroom,shecal l
ed911.Shesav edmyl i
fe.

AfterIwasletoutofthehospital,
myli
fewasv er
ydiff
erent
.Mymom andIgotcloser,
andmy
fr
iendshelpedtakecareofmef oral
it
tl
ewhil
e.Myl i
fewasstar
ti
ngtogetbackoncourseasI
tr
iedmyhar desttoforgetaboutTonyandal
lthathe’
ddone.Thati
sunti
lIgotacall
.

Idi
dn’
tknowitwasTonybecauseIhadbl
ockedhi
snumber
,andhewascall
i
ngf
rom adi
ffer
ent
number
.Ileti
tgot
ov oi
cemail
,butwhent
henumbercal
l
edagai
n,Ideci
dedt
opi
ckitup.

“
Hel
l
o?”Iasked.

“
…Lucy
?”
“
…”

“
Lucy
,it
’sme.I
t’
sme,
Tony
.”

“
…”Myf
ingerwasaboutt
opr
esst
hecal
lendi
ngbut
ton.

“Pl
ease…pleasedon’
thangup.Iknow,
Iknowt
hatt
her
e’snowayt
oev
erapol
ogi
zef
orwhatI
’
ve
done,butI
’
m goingtotr
y.”

“
Sto…st
op”Isai
dweakl
y.

“No..
.wait,pleasehearmeout .Iam sosor
ryLucy
.Iwasl ost
.Iwaslost.Ihadlostmyselfto
drugsandal cohol andot
herbadt hi
ngsandIdi
dn’
tknowhowt ofi
xit.Il
ied…somuch.I ’
m so
sorry
.Ileti
tal lgetawayfr
om me.Icouldn’
thandl
ebeingabarowner .Iwasn’tstr
ongenough.
AndIknowt hatnow…soIqui t.Iqui
tLucy,
andI…I’
m goingtorehab,I’
m gonnatrytofi
xt hi
s
problem.”

Iwascr
yingbyt
hen.

“I
’m gonnat
rytofi
xthis…Ipr
omise.Because…becauseyou’
reworthi
t.I
’
m sosorr
yLucy
,so
sorr
yIhurtyou.Pl
ease…IknowIdon’tdeserv
eitbut
,wil
lyoueverbeabl
etofor
giveme?
”

Nomat terwhatany bodywast el

l
ingmet odoaboutTony ,
mymom, myf riends,
mynei ghbors,
hewasst i
l
lthemanIf elli
nlovewith.Andther
ewasnochangi ngthat.Youcan’tjustmake
thosefeeli
ngsdisappear.I
t’ssohardtoexplai
n…I’vet
rieditathousandt i
mes.Buty oujustcan’
t
understandunlessyou’r
ethepersondeal i
ngwiththeproblem.Andso, Igavehim somet i
met o
solveallofhisownandt henIforgavehim.BecauseIlovedhim.

Mymom f
orbademe,
butIdi
dn’
tli
sten.Myf
ri
endshat
edmef
ori
t,butIdi
dn’
tcar
e.

Tonyhadact uall
ycleaneduppr ett
ywel l.Wemetup, grabbedsomef ood, andt alked, j
ustli
ke
theoldt i
mes.I twasl i
kestar t
ingalloveragai n.Itwental mostexact l
ylikeourr elat i
onshiphad
gonebef ore,exceptsomet hingwasdi ffer
ent .Iwasnev erabl et ofull
ybecomf or tabl earound
him,whi changer edhim, whichscar edme, whichanger edhim ev enmor e.Hewasn’ tt hesame
Tony,andIr ecognizedt hat,butIdidn’tdoany t
hi ngabouti tbecauseIj ustwant edt hingstogo
backt othewayt hi
ngswer e.That ’
snotpossi ble, andIknowt hatnow.Yousee, ov ert hepast
fewmont hsI’
v enoticedthathe’sst ar
tedt ospi ral downagai n.Isomet i
messmel l alcoholon
him,orweed, andev ennoticedahi ckey( t
hat ’
snotf rom me, obv iousl
y).AndIknownowt hatI’
m
done,I’m donegi vi
nghi m asecondchancebecausehecan’ tf ulfi
ll
it,
andhenev erwi ll
.Thisis
notaheal thyrelati
onshipandIunder standt hatnow.Al lhehasdonei st ormentme, ruinmyl if
e,
stealawaymyi nnocence-andhehasnor ighttodot hat.Buty ousee, Sam, ther easonwhyI ’
m
sti
llwithhim, eventhoughI ’
v ereal
izedal l
oft his, i
sbecauseI ’
m scar ed.I ’
m scaredt hatifItryto
breakupwi t
hhi m,he’ll
…he’llhurtmeagai n.

Sam’
sheadshotupwhenIbegintocr
y.Iscootoveronmyseatashesi
tsnextt
omeandwr
aps
hi
sar
m aroundmyshoul
der
.Ileanmyheadagai nsthi
m.
“
Lucy
,youhavetoendthi
s.Youcan’
tkeepputti
ngy our
selft
hroughal
loft
his.Andwe’
l
ldoi
t
t
oget
her,
we’l
lgett
hroughal
lofthi
stoget
her.Ipromiseyouthat.
”

“
Howcany
oupr
omi
set
hat
?”Iaskedbet
weensni
ff
les.

“
Justt
rustme,
Ihav
eapl
an.
”

Il
ookedupi
ntohi
sey
es.Theydi
dn’
tlooksoi
cyany
mor
e;Theywer
esof
tandwar
m.Beaut
if
ul.

“
ButIwantt
oasky
out
odosomet
hing,
Lucy
,”Sam sai
d.

“
Whati
sit
?”

“
Ithi
nky
oushoul
dwr
it
eyourst
ory
,aboutTony
,fory
ouressayassi
gnment
.”

“
What
!No!Icoul
dn’
t…I
…”

“
Yes,
yesyoucan.Becauseyourst
oryneedstoberead.Soot
herpeopl
einy
oursi
tuat
ionknow
t
hatt
hey’
renott
heonlyonesgoingthr
oughthis.
”

“
Alr
ight
,”Isai
d.“
Let
’sdot
hist
hing.
”