Good morning everybody.

Let us take a look at this week's Message: Making Acceptable

Amends or How To Apologize for Guaranteed Success.

Why is apologizing so important? Everyone stumbles at times. Everyone causes hurt whether
that was their intent or not.

Especially in terms of recovery when we are living improperly and we are acting in active
addiction, there are a lot of bridges that are burned. There are a lot of selfish behaviors that we
exhibit in our character defects. We have an effect on others when we lie or we cheat, We hurt
not just ourselves but others when we steal or physically/emotionally assault someone.

In getting ourselves right and progressing in our recovery journey. We have to make amends
and we have to make things right. Firstly in order to make things right, we have to reconcile
ourselves with others and we have to apologize.

I would like us to anchor ourselves in the book of 1 Corinthians 13:4 for the time being.

So why is apologizing so important? So in First Corinthians Paul writes, “Love is patient, love is
kind it does not envy. It does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others it is not self-
seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts always hopes, always perseveres.”

to Verse 11, “When I was a child, I talked like a child I thought like a child, and I reasoned like a
child when I became a man I put down childish things.”

Paul is telling us a few things about how we should be relating to others with love and he’s
pointing out that as we mature in our faith and knowledge we should be putting aside the things
we no longer need and embrace the matured fruits we’re growing into.

Love does not keep records of wrongdoings. It doesn’t. It is kind and patient. So in order to
apologize, we have to first acknowledge where we've made our errors. Once we acknowledge
where we've made wrongdoing, we can work to improve our behaviors and then not make those
same actions again in order for an apology to be true,

For true reconciliation to occur, we have to have two key components. Firstly there's an
acceptance that we are wrong. Secondly, we have to make something right in that loss. In order
to fix something that's broken we have to not only acknowledge that it's broken, but we have to
work in order to fix that thing.

I'm going to highlight five key components of apologies.

The first is we should avoid shifting language.

The next is we should be specific in acknowledging the hurt.

Three is addressing change and restitution.

The fourth thing we're going to take a look at is asking for forgiveness.

And finally, we're going to talk about accepting the consequences of the apology.

So language is in its very nature, subject to interpretation. If I say red truck, every one of us in
this room is going to picture in our mind's eye a different object.

There's a difference between a truck and a car. There's a difference between a truck and a
horse.

We want to avoid the type of language that is vague or ambiguous to the point of confusion.

The first type of words we want to avoid are words such as “if” and “but” when we’re
apologizing. One example would be if I say something like “If I wasn't so upset at you, I wouldn't
have yelled” or if I say “I'm sorry I was late, but the traffic was awful”. Those are just ways to
distance ourselves from our actions. Anything that comes out of a but is just crap.

The only way you can use a “but” in an apology that's effective is using it to emphasize that your
reasons are not excuses. You can say something like “I was rude at your party because of all
the stress I'm under at work, but I understand that's no excuse for my behavior.” or “I acted that
way because I did not sleep well the night before but that is not your fault and it was wrong for
me to take that out on you.” It's an acknowledgement of the reason but it's not using the reason
to justify yourself.

We should avoid phrases like “I'm sorry if I've done something wrong to you”. Hate to break it to
you but if you're having an apology with an individual and you're unsure if you've done
something wrong, you can't make a true apology because you're not acknowledging that there
was an error in the first place. You did something wrong. That's why you're apologizing.

In apologies, we should avoid using words like “obviously” and “already”. “I've already
apologized before for this.” Well, that would imply the apology didn't stick and it places the
blame for the continued behavior on the other party and not on us, the person behaving that
way. How about “obviously”? “I'm obviously sorry.” If it's obvious why would you need to state
it?

Those words and phrases are ways to distance and demean the other person and remove
ourselves from truly acknowledging the harm. We should accept responsibility for the actions
we’ve actually done. No false confessions and no denials of the truth.

“It wasn't my intention” or “I didn't mean for that to happen.” Loser terms we'd call qualifiers!
Those nullify apologies. Someone’s intentions are far less important than the impact. Which one
of these scenarios is better? Somebody looking to hurt you and they help you accidentally or
somebody's looking out for you and they hurt you by accident? Is it the effect or the intention
that in the end matters?

“I'm sorry, what I said hurt you” is not the same as “I'm sorry for what I said.” “I'm sorry for what I
said“ acknowledges that what I said was wrong in the first place. “I'm sorry, what I did or what I
said hurt you” implies that it wouldn't have had the same effect on another individual.

Again, that is implying that the person we're apologizing to is the one at fault. or defective or
wrong when that is not the case. We should remember we are the ones making the apology.
We are not the injured party and our words should reflect that. If it is a situation where there is
mutual hurt then our apology is not the time to address our hurt.

Open Discussion Questions

Who has difficulty with shifting language?
Can you give 2 examples?

When we're apologizing we should be specific. When we're addressing what happened we
should name what we did wrong while being specific as possible without needlessly being cruel.
By virtue of a true apology, we did something wrong.

Again, “I'm sorry I hurt your feelings” is not the same as “I know what I said the other day was
wrong” Those are two different statements where hurting their feelings places the blame on
them.

When we're addressing what we did wrong, we allow the other person to know that we are
aware of what we did.

By being specific, it allows the other party to be more receptive to us so ultimately the
relationship can be healed and our conscience clears.

Beating around the bush does not help. If it was a physical boundary with somebody that we
violated, we should say what we did wrong. If it was something emotional or words, we should
be able to recount what we did and why it was wrong.

The next one is going to be what I imagine is a very tough one and we're only halfway through.

When we make an apology, in order for it to be truly effective we have to acknowledge the hurt
that has been caused.

An apology is not a legal argument. It is a physician's appointment.

An injured party is not seeking legal compensation because they've been wronged. They are
looking to be healed because they have been hurt.
The injured party is healed by knowing and hearing that we acknowledge and understand what
happened was wrong.

Recalling our mistakes may be very difficult and it may make us feel terrible.

We might try avoiding thinking about it altogether because of the thoughts of guilt and remorse.
Our shame may try to silence us. It does not feel good to tell the mother of your children that
you've cheated on them or to tell your parents about stealing from them. We should remember
no matter how bad we feel the other person feels worse. They are the one who is receiving the
apology after all.

Failing to acknowledge what happened and failing to acknowledge the pain does them further
injustice. A bad apology is just another injury. Salt in the wound so to speak.

In a similar light, we shouldn't say “I know how you feel.” I would be very shocked if there is an
ABLE ARC member who has telepathic abilities. if I'm apologizing to my wife about something
I've done, and I know I've hurt her and I say I know how you feel what's going to happen if she
turns and says how do I feel? What if I am wrong? And I bumbled through and I believe it's for x
y, z, but it's really for a b c well, then I've created another problem. Again I’m faced with a bad
apology being another offense against the other person.

We should use phrases like “I can only imagine how it would feel” or “if this happened to me I
can only imagine”.

That allows us to create space in the apology for the other person if they want to disclose
exactly what the hurt is to do so.

If I say “I understand that at that business meeting me undercutting you was severely wrong. I
can only imagine how you felt..” my business partner can turn to me and say “I'll tell you how I
feel” which then that allows that individual to speak to relieve pressure on themselves and it
informs us better.

When we're informed better, the next part of a proper apology can flow easier and our apology
is more successful.

The next part of an apology being acceptable and proper is the part where it addresses the
change we are willing to commit to.

It does not help if after an argument you go out to buy a bunch of flowers and you have this big
grand big display just so the next day you go out and you do the same offensive behavior again.
An apology that's manipulative is not a true apology. Remorse is empty no matter how explosive
the fireworks and how performative it is if we're not putting sincere effort into correcting
ourselves to ensure that this is the only apology we have to make.

From being specific in our language, when we're acknowledging the hurt, we're now able to
accurately describe our plan of action.

If I'm vague then how am I going to properly address how I'm going to change? if we're vague in
the earliest stages of our apology, the active stages of the apology will fall through. If you're like
me, you may find that writing things down beforehand is helpful. Write out a detailed plan that
has SMART goals that you can point to as progress toward your changing.

it's a good practice to write things down in general. If you're writing things down it shows you're
putting more effort into the subject matter. Have a written plan of action that you can present.

Again, I will highlight that an emotional lead-charged apology that does not have substantial
change behind it is just a manipulation tactic.

Open Discussion

Now for what is the most humbling aspect of an apology. The part where we ask the other
person for forgiveness. This is the scariest part of an apology because even though we're
coming from a place of error, up until this point, we are still in control of the conversation.

We've been presenting things from our point of view, with our language with what we're willing
to admit and the only chance the injured party has had to talk has been if we let them.

Up until now. It's just been us talking. So asking for forgiveness relinquishes control and I would
venture a guess that not many of us like giving up control.

I would suggest you begin with “Will you forgive me?”

You should speak of what you truly regret. “The other day after I said those hurtful things to you.
I wanted to apologize immediately because I knew of how much it hurt you.”

This is where we give another opportunity for the injured party to inform us of additional ways to
make the apology acceptable. After we've asked for forgiveness and after we've spoken of how
and what we are going to change we can say something like “If there is anything more I can do
for you for your forgiveness. Let me know so I can do that.” This is the chance for the other
person to address any holes in our restitution and change plans.

The last part of acceptable amends is that we have to be willing to accept the consequences of
the answer to what we just say asked.
What if the other person's reaction to “there anything more I can do for you” is to tell you to fuck
off?

What if the person accepts our apology and then holds us to our plan of change and we actually
have to put in effort to change ourselves?

This is where the two goals of apologizing come into play. There is the repairing of our
relationships with the other and with the self, there is reconciliation, and then the self-care of
cleaning up our side of the street. It lets us walk the street better. We should want to repair the
relationship between us and them but sometimes the other person's not there yet. We have to
take wherever they are for where they are.

That said, if we are sincere and specific in addressing what we've done, we acknowledge our
actions with a plan to change with the other person having the opportunity to tell us how to
make it right and then we ask for forgiveness. We know a no should be just as satisfying as a
yes.

That's because it's not just about reconciliation, but it's also about repairing of the relationship
with the self. By examining our part in things and addressing our deficiencies, we're cleaning up
our conscience in our character and we grow in our recovery. If I'm rude to somebody and I
address my anger issues regardless how they take my apology, everybody benefits.

An apology to one is an opportunity for growth for all. So you have no losing scenario in making
a sincere apology.

If we apologize correctly, we get a prize no matter what.

We either walk away with our clear conscience and that's guaranteed just for playing or we may
have a repaired relationship as well.