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 WHW THE S I D
HITS THE FAN
by SIDNEY HARRIS

^JMJARY 2000

D E P A R T M E N T S
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings of Reader Mail 4

JUDD AND JURY DEPARTMENT

"Double Jerkery" (A AAAD Movie Satire) 6

THE WOODSTOCK DEGENERATION DEPARTMENT

Products For Your
Aging Hippie Parents 10

JUST A PHRASE WE'RE GOING

THROUGH DEPARTMENT
Still More Same Words/
Different Circumstances 12

ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT

Monroe &...The School Newspaper 14

THE TRITE STUFF DEPARTMENT

How Various People Will React to the
Next Random Act of Senseless Violence 18

JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT

Spy Vs. Spy 20

THE GUIDES MUST BE CRAZY DEPARTMENT

MAD's Eight-Step Guide
forWB Network Teen Wannabes..... 22

-O
 , x t l l C decade

igfye

Trek to The

By "The usual Gang of idiots"

introduction ny "weird M" Vankouic
 MORE DEPARTMENTS
SACRILEGIOUS ORDER DEPARTMENT
When Nuns Go Bad 24

BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT

The Lighter Side of 27

THE GETTYSBURG UNDRESS DEPARTMENT

If Lap Dancing Existed in the Age of Lincoln. 29

NEW KIDS ON THE SCHLOCK DEPARTMENT

How to Become a Big-Time
Boy Band Producer. 31

WHOLE LOTTO LOVE DEPARTMENT

9 Signs Lottery Fever Has
Spread to Your Town 36

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT

A AAAD Look at Museums . 38

THE TRAITS OF WRATH DEPARTMENT

Spot Your Parents! 41

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A GAY MAKES DEPARTMENT

"Wilt and Craze" (A AAAD TV Satire).... 42

CARTOON CHARACTER ASSASSINATION DEPARTMENT

The Execution of Pikachu Poll Results 47

GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT

MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
Betting Odds 48

1957 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT

IRS Disallows Beppo the THIS MONTH
Circus Clown's $20,000 IN HISTORY 1954 "Drawn Out Dramas" Various Places
Seltzer Bottle Deduction
o2w7m utah by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine
1979
FRONT COVER ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON
Future Supreme 1982
Court Justice FRONT COVER WRITER: PETER KUPER
The Flammable
Clarence Thomas Gourmet Becomes
Rents His First Spokesman for
Porno Movie First Alert
Whoever said
"Talk is cheap"
never dialed a
1982 1982
The Flammable Gourmet's 1-900 number!
Smoke Inhalation Overcomes
Cooking With Turpentine 35 at The Flammable
Hits Bookstores Gourmet's Book Signing
 THE MEASURE
OF AMANDA
I just love 3'our magazine! So does m y
dad! I'm 10 years old a n d I'll be t u r n i n g
11 the 25th of October. As a faithful
reader I b u y MAD Magazine as much
STATUES OF fAMliA'J as I can. Since I love your magazine a n d
I try to b u y every issue, I was wondering
The Warner Bros. Studio Store on scenic
Staten Island, NY (conveniently located if you would give me a subscription to
opposite the Fresh Kills landfill — the larsest your wonderful magazine. T h a n k you for
garbase dump in the world!) was the setting bringing so m u c h laughter into m y life!
for the unveiling of two
new limited edition MAD A m a n d a Patton, Indianapolis, IN
products: An Alfred E. Mandy — It's rare that we receive a letter
Neuman statue, looking so heartwarming and uplifting as yours.
curiously like Humphrey We are enormously grateful and happy
Bogart in Cdsablanca, and that you enjoy reading MAD and we hope
matching Spy Vs. Spy you will continue to do so in the future.
statues! On hand to welcome OOFFELIAS: We were also delighted to learn of your
and sign autographs for several Cipriano,
hundred AMD fans who sadly birthday and hope that you had the most
Ficarra, special of special days. We only wish we
had nothing better to do on a In,
Thursday night (Friends was still in could have been there. As for your request
Viviano for the free subscription to help celebrate
reruns) were AAAD co-editors Nick
Meglin and John Ficarra, AMD art your birthday — no way! —Ed.
director Sam Viviano and Spy Vs. Spy
sculptor Tony Cipriano. The statues are
exclusive to Warner Bros. Studio
Stores around the country, so hurry
and get yours now before they t
end up in the Fresh Kills landfil This letter is written for your considera-
tion for the "?Ha6e /I T>U*K6. Ti/iaA "PotouUi
I used to live at Britannia House in Douglas.
Last year I moved from room 24 to room 23.
Shortly after I moved into room 23 I
In yet another installment of our much discovered I h a d a neighbor living in the
beloved feature answering letters of other hotel opposite who brightened m y life
magazines, we give you this pearl from Spin during the time she lived there. She had a
magazine's August 1999 issue. habit of standing in front of the window
in h e r underwear. I never knew her n a m e
or even who she was but she had a n effect
-—-—"" *.A Dn vou know what on me. Naturally I missed her when she
LS. — Ooo, good argument. moved out before Christmas. I'm not trying
is bothering *N**£*T bandJgrouphmger to trace her. I daresay if she read this letter
who constantly put down any ^ f Americans are well known
that have anything todc£*££ ^ for not buying crap! It's it would put her off m e anyway. It's just
u
ally adore punk music myfavon their insatiable passionate t h a t if somebody brings a bit of happiness
yearning for high quality into your heart, why not let it be known?
favorite band is N tyf- >N $ and that's led to the success of: You've guessed it, I'm a sad loser, but
1J
impasse on my purney defend £ ^ Broadway's Miss Saigon, Jenna t h i s is TtCzte /t "DetmS 7V&A. VouiuCxtc**™.
| Joups like them, ^ P 1 ^ listetl to 'N Sync? Elfman, The Waterboy, MAD
I 5 my logic »°yZZlZghthem off? Do you Ian Ellis, Great Britain
tom C on CD-Rom, MAD on T.V.,
Or do you ™ f ?Z talent? You need to stop Ian you freakin' bloody English perv —
realize they actuaUy ^ ^ ^ f a n s (who, MAD Magazine, T.G.I. Friday's,
Chicken Soup For The Soul, Thanks for your letter, BUT WHAT'S yOUR
1 iudzing W Sync by their ""amingj BLOODY WISH? HERE'S THE DEAL — WHEN
Family Circus (excluding ones
that Billy draws), Sinbad, AOL, YOU WRITE TO THE 3fc*£e /t &«**&. 7(/x£
Idies and bleached arr) nd *» Jff*,^
Pokemon, Hanson, Richard ?**uUM« • YOU GOTTA HAVE A DUMB
by their actual « * * « * ^ * hronized WISH! WE READ YOUR LETTER 12 BLOODY
Simmons' Deal-A-Meal,
£. Just because +***£]£ they aren't good. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' TIMES AND WE COULDNT FIND A BLOODY
To the Oldies and the WISH! HERE'S OUR WISH, AND ITS NOT EVEN
Hard Rock Cafe! —Ed. DUMB! WE WISH THAT WHEN YOU AND
OTHER NIMRODS WRITE YOU'D INCLUDE
A WISH! Cheerio and God Save The Queen!
L.S., Annapolis, MD —The Ed. of Wales.
 for

VISIT THE MAD WEB

http://www.madmag.com

THE CDJS ;
NlfTY f irTY
In order t o celebrate the new millennium, w e have created t h e Ed.'s
Nifty Fifty™ Celebrity Snaps wish list for t h e year 2000! If w e print your
p h o t o o f any o f the following celebrities h o l d i n g an issue o f MAD, y o u will
William M. Gaines
receive a three-year subscription and a special secret prize! (Photos cannot founder
b e returned.) A n d now, w i t h o u t further a d o , here's the Ed.'s Nifty Fifty™. Jenette Kahn
The Pope, Ricky Martin, any babe Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp, president & editor-in-chief
from Friends, Kobe Bryant, C-Span Siegfried and/or Roy, John Paul Levjtz
talking head Brian Lamb (still), McLaughlin, the kid from The Sixth
Senator Jesse Helms, Harry Potter Sense, Neil Armstrong, any member
executive vice president & publisher
author J. K. Rowling, Bill Gates, of The Supreme Court (in their robe), Nick Meglin & John Ficarra
Dr. Jack Kevorkian, Bryant Michael Jordan, Barbra Streisand, editors
Gumbel, Hillary or Chelsea Clinton, Spike Lee, Woody Allen or Soon-Yi,
Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, any cast Deepak Chopra, Jerry Lewis, Gary
member of Dawson's Creek, Larson, Kerri Strug, Lisa Marie Presley,
Editorial:
Oprah, John Malkovich, Pete Rose,' any Nobel Prize winner of the last Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola
James Brown, tennis babe Anna 10 years, Ivana Trump, Michael Buffer, senior editors
Kournikova, J.D. Salinger, Ron Popeil, Brandi Chastain (bonus points for no
any Beatle (living), Harrison Ford, Alan
David Shayne associate editor
top on), James Carville and Mary
Alda, David Letterman, lac Hanson, Matalin and Maya Angelou! Amy Vozeolas assistant editor
Dick DeBartolo creative consultant
Annie Gaines managing editor
1 Dorothy Crouch vp~licensed
l publishing and associate publisher
CELEBRITY
SNAPS Art Department:
Sam Viviano art director
Earlier this year, I got a chance to meet Nadina Simon associate art director
our one a n d only Jerry Springer. He is i n Leonard Brenner graphics consultant
the issue h e is holding ("MAD Celebrity
Cause-of-Death Betting Odds" issue #372). Thomas Nozkowski production
I hope this qualifies me for a three-year- Maria Wyche production artist
subscription. Sorry it looks like I a m
sleeping in the picture. Circulation:
Daniel Brown director-business development
Judy Sang, New York, NY & mess market sales
Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sales/
For sending us the picture o f her sleeping
w i t h Jerry Springer and an Envelope o f t h e Administration:
M o n t h , the lovely Judy Sang o f New York, NY Patrick Caldon vp-finance & operations
the daily d o u b l e o f t h e Letters a n d Tomatoes Dept Alison Gill exec director - manufacturing
O o wee, i t doesn't get any b e t t e r than t h i s ! Lillian Laserson vp & general counsel
Congratulations o n y o u r three-year
subscription f o r y o u r Contributing Artists
Celebrity Snap! And Writers
the usual sang of idiots
 JUDD AND JURY DEPT.

The Fifth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States declares "No person (shall) be subject for
the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb..." Hopefully, that means the people at
Paramount won't write, produce, distribute, and make us suffer through another turkey as bad as...

I'm Slick Parcels, a rich and I'm Agree, the I'm Livid Parcels, Slick's wife! Slick said
influential financier! I'm Parcels' best he's going to buy me a $200,000 sailboat
raising money here to help under- friend! I work with some of the money he's raising
privileged school kids by buying on Slick's school tonight! I didn't think that was ethical,
expensive fine art and hanging
it in my estate! Then I encourage charity, too! I'm but Slick said I earned it with all the work
the underprivileged kids to look a schoolmistress! I did, and I guess he's right! I hand
at the paintings through my I teach at school, wrote all the nametags for this fund-
window once a month for a and do my raiser! Over 50 of them! That's in
culturally uplifting experience! mistress duties addition to all the work I do at home!
Call me a humanitarian, call me whenever I'm responsible for hiring our cooks,
a softie... it's just my nature! Slick's wife maids, gardeners and handymen! But
hey, everyone has their burdens to bear!
isn't around!

I'm Motley, the kid! Having I'm Travesty Laymen! 1 was a down-and-out I'm Vice-President Al Gore, and I was
wealthy parents means I get a lawyer, but then I got my act together - - roommates with Tommy Lee Jones at
very healthy allowance, but I and became a down-and-out probation
don't spend any of it! I'm officer! I really don't belong in this Harvard! Why am I here? I was asked
saving up to buy a personality! movie! Many critics were asking what the to break some bad news to my old
With some expert financial hell I was thinking when I agreed to appear roomie! Tommy, don't clear any space
advice, maybe I can invest some in this dreck, but 1 can't help myself! I on the mantel for an Academy Award!
of it and get myself a life! hear the word "FUGITIVE" and I show up! You're stiffer in this flick than I
am in real life! Yeah, THAT stiff!
 ARTIST: MORT PRUCKER WRITER: PICK PEBARTOLO

Honey, now do you see There's blood every- This is the 1 hate to tell you Oh, sorry...
why I love sailing? where, and my husband Have a M
Coast Guard, this. Livid, but
The waves lapping the isn't anywhere drop the knife, you're being heart! Don't Hey, kid! Turn
hull, the wind in the on board! And I'm you murdering charged with handcuff your head while
sails, the blood on holding the bloody me in 1 handcuff your
knife that must have bitch! your husband's front
the teak.. .wh - wha - murder! I have murdering
killed him! Could of my old lady!
what the hell?! it get any worse? to take child!
you in!
Now I find out Okay, I was I killed my You don't Hmm...we have no
my husband's No, that makes too much sense! with you until husband, have to idea what that means,
alive! Maybe I What you should do is exercise the Double and I knew believe me! but on the slim chance
should hire Jeopardy it was It's me it's profound, and
for the next six years, and then not just some crap
a private eye when you're released, go kill part! I wrong! that has
or petition you made up, we're
your husband! They can't try never watch to believe gonna let you out
the courts for me!
you twice for the same crime TV game on probation!
my release!
- that's Double Jeopardy! shows! HI

You're here on con- And we have an You're a troublemaker! You took off Why do you have
ditional parole! No No entertainment 8:30 curfew! I looking for your son after I told to leave to
drinking, no drugs, of any sort? I'm run a tight ship you not to! I'm not taking any more get coffee?
no smoking, no sex sure the audience here! If you're chances! I'm handcuffing you to this You told me
and no firearms! In watching this not in by 8:30, car! Don't think of pulling any that flask
other words, no movie under- you're confined tricks, either, because I'm leaving you're always
entertainment of any stands exactly for a week - in
what you mean! you alone, with the keys in the drinking from
sort! Understand? the gas chamber! ignition, while I get some coffee! was coffee!

rvTFc^yj^ TOitfw^^xaea

Boy, I've I'll say! We're still According to There Not exactly! It was sort of
never seen a mile from land some records I hate to was strange! The only thing that
and they're driving a friendly tell you a caught fire and burned to
people in car dealer this, but
such a rush! the rest of the way! fire the ground was Agree! Her
gave me, Agree in husband might have saved
my friend died in this
Agree should afire her, but there just wasn't
house? enough time to save both her
live here! here!
and his expensive paintings!

W"«3-
 JtftSS
I tracked down Because I'm Wow, "not smart" is an under-
your paintings Why didn't you just determined, statement! No money, just
and they led tell the police not smart! the bratty kid! Meet me at
me to you! that I'm alive? You can keep the cemetery and you can
And all the They would've your wealth, have him! You won't believe
time, I was arrested me, how rotten he's become with no
ducking freed you, and all 1 want mother to teach him right from |
the police! given Motley back! is Motley! wrong! It's all your fault!

Yay! We're Yes! That's terrible! Sorry, Livid! Re- Motley, say hello
one big, You know killing your husband B-b-but to your new
happy how I Well, for a Good news! Your was fine, but you're who'll dad! Whaddya
family say long time Jrrj daddyjust going back to jail for Ift take say we go down
again... you your daddy became an driving cars off the care
ferry, credit card to the bar and
um, should lied! He made honest man...and of
knock back
where's never I pulled the fraud and wrecking my
people think school property! son? a few to
daddy? lie?
he was dead! trigger! celebrate!
 THE WOODSTOCK DEGENERATION DEPT.

nee upon a time, they truly believed

"All you need is love." But yesterday's
hippies are today's senior citizens with
failing eyesight, arthritic knees and all
the aches and pains t h a t come with liv-
ing too long. Sure, they need love, but
what they need even more are these...

Steal This
Book
(Large Print Edition)
A myopia-friendly,
giant-type version of
Abbie Hoffman's yippie
classic. In this revised
edition, however, the
phrase "Off the Pig!" is
the title of the chapter
that teaches your
parents to cut their
serum cholesterol
level by eliminating
pork from their diets.
Also available in a
special hard-of-hearing
audio edition as
shouted by The Who's
Pete Townshend.

Tie-Dyed Adult Diapers

All we are saying is give pee a chance! These
groovy, rainbow-colored diapers let the old folks
say, "My love for the sixties is still strong even if
my bladder isn't." Tune in, turn on, drop a load!

Adjustable
Waterbed
Mow YOU can give
your parents all the
orthopedic benefits
of an adjustable hos-
pital bed with all the
kinky possibilities
The Bony-matic 2000 of an authentic
Respiratory System waterbed. Even if
they're too old and
Have a toke and a smile! After years of wheezing
sick to actually have
through their marijuana-ravaged lungs, mom and
sex, this unique bed
dad can now actually enjoy their breathing disorders.
will transport them
Funky, yet fully functional, this alternative breathing
back to their wild
apparatus is handsomely decorated with art by
days (and nights) of
legendary underground cartoonist, R. Crumb.
endless free love.

10
 At last the old folks can toke
up while they spruce up! This
one-of-a-kind device is perfect
for taking that last precious hit
off of a fatty while clipping
away those last unsightly nose
and ear hairs. It's the ultimate
in personal high-giene!

Easy Rifler" Walker

Whether they're going cross-country to see
America or cross-town to see their chiropodist,
here's the perfect ambulatory accessory for
your favorite broken-hipped Hell's Angel!
Comes complete with authentic Marley-style
handlebars and helmet. 8-track player optional.

Orthopedic
Bo-Bo Boots
Believe it or not, during
the Summer Of Love
your mom used to "really
get down" on the dance
floor. As sure as her
arches have fallen, her
spirits will be lifted when
she slips on a pair of
Stairmaster to Heaven these ultra-hip, podiatrist-
approved Go-Go Boots.
Finally, an exercise machine that combines the head-
banging sound of heavy metal with the heart-pound- Available in Mancy Sinatra
ing benefit of a heavy workout. The old folks will love white vinyl and Mama
climbing the stairs to the classic Led Zeppelin tunes Cass extra wide.
that climbed the charts! With a top speed of 5 mph
and a hearing-impaired-friendly top volume of 35,000
decibels, ma and pa may still die of a heart attack
but we guarantee they'll go with A Whole Lotta Love!
ARTIST: LESLIE STERNBERCH WRITER: JAY LYNCH 11
 JUST A PHRASE WE'RE GOINC THROUGH DEPT.

Same magazine, different issue. Same writer, different artist. Same premise, different examples. Here's...

s n u . * * SAME WORDS...
I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN!

. hard to believe when ,:a much easier sell when ..shocking racist Comment
Bill Clinton says it. Richard Simmons says it! when heard on the news.

$1.25 A GALLON!

.. .pretty good deal ... very bad deal at ...welcome news when it's
at the gas pump. the sperm bankf about a neighbor's randy dog.

IT HASN'T STOPPED GOING UP FOR THREE WEEKS!

.. .good news if you 're ...painfulnews if .photographer,

in the stock market. you're on Viagra! ..''••! sure.
12 ARTIST: BOB STAAKE
. .hilarious punch line when heard ..somewhat expected when ... completely expected when a
on an HBO comedy special! a cop recounts a drug bust. wife recounts a repairman's visit!

HELLO, MY NAME IS PHIL AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC!

... not so welcome news when it's .preferred way to kick ...less than choice tuay to
about the latest Don King fight! ojfanAA meeting. begin a toast at a wedding!

.. .proctologist, ..."A national tragedy" ... "minimal collateral damage"

questionable! when it's the death toll when it's the death toll from the
WRITER: J. PRETE at a school shooting. latest NATO bombing mission! 13
ANGSTER S PARADISE DEPT.

and..
HEV. VPV! THEV
I WAS JUST REPLAYED
HEY, PEANf WATCHING F.U. ON THAT SCENE
YOU CAN KISS THESE THE ILLEGAL CABLE OF VOUR MOM
'OUR ASS, 'CAUSE i COLLEGE BOX, AND GUESS IN THE HOT TUB
THIS IS FUN (3UVS ARE WHAT...? A(3AIN?
UNIVERSITY.'. COOL'
WE SCHOOL Ex-tree! Ex-tree!
Read all about
it!!! Hot off the
presses, our little
hero learns all

NEWePAPE
ARTIST: BILL WRAY WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIE III
about extra-
curricular fun!

WELL, YEAH,
BUT THAT'S NOT
' WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT/'
I V E PECIPEP I
COLLEGE?!*
I GOT FIFTY BUCKS
Wi
SAYS VOU WON'T SURVIVE
WELL, I'M
>VOr(50NNALET
ANYTHING STOP MB!
I'M GOING SOMEWHERE
_ WANNA &O TO COOL " LIKE
VOUR SOPHOMORE yEAR 'FUN UNIVERSITY"!^.
rcOLLEGE!! OF HIGH SCHOOL/ BESIDES,
THE WAV VOUR MOM'S
BLEEPING ME PRY, I COULPN'T
AFFORP TO SENP VOU
TO POS TRAINING
SCHOOL
 HO, "PARENTO"/ LOOK,
HE TURNEP IN HIS I TOLP VA,
FOLKS FOR SMOKIN<3 IPON'TKNOW
POT.' WHAT A STORY/ HOWTHEPAMN
WE RAN IT ON THE THING GOT IN
FRONT PAGE/
THERE/
 PRINCIPAL FLAHERTY,
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY
OUR SCHOOL BOOKS ARE
PATEP FROM THE ^ / 7 ^ / K
SEVENT/Be? WHERE'S
THE MONEY GOING? IS
THERE A COVER-
UP?
 T H E TRITE STUFF DEPT.

Lately it seems you can't turn on the news without hearing some horrible story about a build-
ing being bombed, a postal worker going "postal," a group of students shooting up a school.
And every time there's a bloody rampage, we try and make sense of it all. Well, some people
have succeeded! They've made sense of it - for them. And perhaps there is something we can
learn from their wisdom. That something is "Move to Iceland!" But before you go, find out...

HOW VARIOUS H O W Before asking t h e parents o f a

daughter whose face was shot off,
/T\
"How did it feel t o identify your only
child at t h e morgue?" anchors will
consult w i t h a TV psychologist t o see
\k
h o w asking them h o w they feel about
their feelings w i l l make them feel.

Will immediately
publish their In an effort
"We must t o improve
take steps t o strained
relations
prevent another
with the
tragedy like
nerdy sullen
this from ever
outcasts, w i l l
happening
try n o t t o use
again" editorials the toilets
again. before \ ; hk
shoving t h e
geeks' heads
inside a n d
flushing.

Will voluntarily
agree t o n o t
greedily jack u p
prices 4 0 0 % just
because everyone
w i t h i n 150 miles
feels compelled
t o buy a bouquet
of flowers t o
leave o n t h e
sidewalk somewhere.
(They'll only jack
t h e m up 200%.)

18 ARTIST: DREW FRIEDMAN WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

 Will s h o w t h a t To show t h a t
it is possible to he remains a
mix comedy dynamic
and tragedy problem-solver,
by releasing w i l l personally
the moving counter t h e
tribute ballad, threat that g u n
"Pretty Fly for violence poses to
a Dead Guy." America's children
by symbolically
biting his lip once
for each victim.

Because our Constitutional framers

clearly intended for 400-round Uzi assault
weapons t o be readily available t o any
eight-year-old, they cannot agree to any
plan t h a t might slow g u n sales. But as a
conciliatory gesture, they will p u t little
"Warning: Shooting Someone Through the
Head May Be Hazardous t o Their Health"
stickers o n all shoulder holsters.

Tift ffiXT U N D W ACT

Will g o o n as many TV
shows as they can t o
discuss h o w movies,
music and videogames
have numbed an entire
generation of children to
Will educate their the effects of violence.
audience to the However, they w i l l n o t
very real results of explain w h y these same
brutality by having \ . emotionless automatons
a peppy lizard SS^M' who've been brain-
named "Evac" "/*^F- washed into having n o
dance out t o hose / \ feeling about violence all
d o w n all t h e brains seem to be so upset by it.
and splatter
between screens.

OF SENSELESS HOLME 19
 JOKE A N D DAGGER D E P T

20 ARTIST: PETER KUPER WRITER: DUCK EDWINC

^'L'TS^TB'NSinfill 5
all, unstobe «eens o, -«« •
u s,ab
^
«»» " !f 1 -
W no doesn'taspire ,to
. be more
mo like them?
w 1 1 1 ffB • * *
Mter all,« ta^JSt tome from
•rt-s ,hot nothmg>t good «m of wbom-
.ntadlessly imilatms »« « o n ' ° w ( l l r t ,o
ever we see on ™ - » ' ' ' , . firs,,
be ft* next Dawson, Bofl«
SsS^^nboneopon...
»
linhl-Ste

During any argument with a prudish, super-

i religious grandmother, you MUST use the word

"penis" at least five times for shock value.

Make sure to correctly ascertain whether your date

2 is an actual vampire or just a "really yucky guy"

BEFORE impaling him on a two-foot wooden stake.

When attending a somber occasion, such as

5 a funeral, be thoughtful and show respect —

wear a £>e/ow-the-crotch-skin-tight mini-dress
that reveals slightly less cleavage than usual. When having an affair with a teacher,

22 ARTIST: RAY ALMA WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

6 it is considered bad form to request a
higher grade in addition to the sex.
 Out of courtesy for your fellow students,

3 keep your noisemaking to a minimum when

using the library stacks area for having sex.
Before inviting a pregnant teen or homeless

4 person to stay with the family for the night,

check to see how many siblings and/or parents
are doing the same - to avoid overcrowding.

A simple apology is sufficient after totally

7 messing up your twin sister's life by imperson-

ating her - even if you do it every other week.

7Cto~, After losing an election for Student Council

8 and/or Homecoming Queen, be a good sport —

don't sic a flesh-eating zombie on the winner.
23
 SACRILEGIOUS ORDER DEPT.

N O W , THl$ »$ 0 * £ OF K Y BAG $EUER$. I T ' S CALLEb

HOOPER^ fctfHANCEb PORT. BETTER. KNOW^ ONJ THE
STREET A$ |JOO?J$JJ|GHjTJjT OR, g U j T E E . ^ L ^ ' •
TO REMONSTRATE. X ' b U K E TO BR\N& UP ONE OF M V
GOOt> CUSTOMERS, ^HU66»Er * / H O W I L L PAS* AMOM6
VOU TO COU4S.CT $ 3 - 9 5 FOR A P W f ,

ontroversial class field trips

7A ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL

 I very Fourth of July if s the same thing: she
shotguns a few cold ones at the church picnic,
then tries to organize a wet habit contest

MR- GUA6UAKDO PROMISED 1

TO HAVE TriE 5TOKN\ WlMbOW$ I
up BY THURSDAY.. . BUT THAT I
t>\t>N'T HAPPEN.' t>lb IT?/? I

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onducts Mad-Lib vespers

JNNVMP

[other Superior by day,

but after dark. Mistress Superior
. hird grade dass spends the entire
semester cranking out her own line of sneakers
 ^•*JS/\

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with Native
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seems to coincide
with mysterious •O-
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?c£.
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'ses quiet reflective time to hi-lite

jpitai volunteer work just an excuse the hot scenes in the Old Testament
to run a $5 a square *last Rites" pool
26
BER6S-EYE VIEWDEPT.
JUSTICE
Yes, I'll allow you to defend yourself
in your own trial! You couldn't be
any more incompetent than some of
the lawyers I've faced lately!
TROPHIES

S H M B M K
THE OFFICE
 N E W KIDS O N T H E SCHLOCK DEPT.

What do Boyzone, 'N Sync, C'Note, 5hie, Remember, there are hundreds of millions of squealing
sixth-grade girls who love these hunks of the month (okay,
98° and Backstreet Boys have in common? and a few sixth-grade boys, but let's not get into that right
Well, actually, everything! These dancin' now), and their baby-sitting money has to go somewhere -
prancin' pin-up pop posses are 1 0 1 1 % , , ^ - j . ,, might as well be your pocket! So why not make a couple
interchangeable! _-—-r^^enSce " o'millon by letting MAD show you...

irora
r0U1
HOW TO
• «!• Does *»7w:: r-,ve?
6
^i ;;^K^ BECOME
»ra»»9*y
**<sSS' >n

A BIG-TIME
BAND
,-'-'

• W

'fXf

$T'
~^
 Each member of the band needs a short, punchy first name.
Two syllables is sometimes okay, but one is much, much
better. Remember the mental capacity of your audience. the
Good Names include: Bad Names include: AHUS
Mick Lance Alouicious Skeezix *^ip«
Hank Chip Xerxes Hieronymus instead
Ferry Theo Chiang-Tse Hecky prcssoi
jre<
fens'
frtnS'
Lumpy

Although boy bands have five guys apiece, there are many more than
five different types of personalities to choose from. There are seven:

B^ , "T
fSrafflL
&?~^St£f

^v^iPf
\ >
"DANGEROUS TROUBLEMAKER" "MACHO MAN" "OLDER BROTHER" "DEWY-EYED YOUTH"

Ji It's h ineedyou, oooh •Wiii. Tor want.

Whatever you do, don't select a boy with a ecstasy... JS babyIdo... J) j)sandwiEh...p
personality that doesn't fit in. "Psychotic Loner/'
"Flatulent Oktoberfester," "Illegal Immigrant" or
"Triple Amputee" may be fresher characters, but
trust us, no 12-year-old girl is going to put their
poster on her ceiling where it can leer down at her!
Stick to the classic archetypes. Uniqueness kills.
No one boy should be the "star" of the group.
Your band should look as if it's just five cool guys
hanging out, with no one dude any cooler than
the other four. That way, girl fans will see them
as "approachable." But more importantly, if one
of the pretty boys ever gets out of line, you can
pink-slip his replaceable ass.
Another big advantage to breaking up the duties
into five equal parts is that five singers only have
to handle one line at a time. This lets you keep
really dumb guys in the band even if they can't
remember too many words at once, as long as
they look great in tight pants.

32
 See if you can ten what these ACTUAL beefy-bopper song titles have in common:
• Tearin' Up My Heart. • True To Your Heart.
• I'll Never Break Your Heart. • Quit Playing Games with My Heart

Heyyy, good catch, Beethoven! Your soon-

to-be fans are tremendously interested in cardiovascular love.
Very, very few hit ballads have been written about lungs.
Look at the song titles on hit albums by BSB, ' N Sync, 5ive
and the rest. It's Boy Band Law that each album has 12
song titles, and that these 12 titles must include three
WogefterWithMyPoreverGM
"Heart's, four "Love"s, two "Girl's, two "All"s and an © J reakMyHearf Which
"Everybody" or an "Everything." Whatever titles are left is All Bled with All My love
over should be "We'll Be Together Forever," or "Heaven is
Forever," or "Forever Together," or some syrupy slop like
that. Be sure to throw in parentheses on at least one title to
^ever (For You, Girl) When The single best
sound impressive.
We';relbgetherin Heaven, Baby) title a boy band
could ever have is
Just fill in the middle with "yeah"s and "ooh"s and "ooh this. A song with
yeah"s. It's a little-noticed fact that there are only 50 or 60
words in all the lyrics on a boy band album, combined!
m this title would
top the charts for
But whichever twelve songs YOU end up using, it's got
6 months~except
sadly, there is no
to come from the soul! Tell the boys to close their eyes, possible singable
imagine they're opening their hearts, squeeze out all the melody.
special feelings they have inside...and then crank out
whatever words written by music company hacks-for-hire ThelWe
that you tell them to sing. Recording studios charge by the
hour, you know!
BONUS
TIP:

Before hitting big in the USA, top boy bands need to be huge in other countries. Why?

American Play up the "global smash" angle. Unfortunately, the rest of the world prob-
teenage girls like to For instance, before they ever ably doesn't give a camel's ass whether
think of themselves as complicated infected the U.S., the Backstreet they live or die. So you'll have to lie.
rebels...before they go out and buy the exact Boys were big in Germany, and Claim that they're already top superstars
same stuff everybody else has! The dopes who listen to this 'N Sync had early hits in England. in Tonga, Equatorial Guinea, Azerbaijan,
kind of junk need a clear signal that your music is what they Be sure to let America's young'uns etc. Or make up fake country names
want to hear. And goodness knows you can't count on how it know that the rest of the world such as "Middle Cannolia," "The Duchy
sounds to accomplish that! just loves your boys to pieces. of Beckles," "Costa Frascarr" or "The
Republic of Gzxlttpwq." By the time
anyone exposes your fraud, your band
will have already had its four hits and be
done. Remember, in boy bands, it's here
today, gone later today.
 The key to any successful band is to promote, promote, PROMOTE! Sounds rough, right?
Don't worry, you only need to know two basic strategies^
STRATEGY ONE STRATEGY TWO
Continuously talk over each other's sen- While one singer discusses how "there's a
tences. This causes such confusion that no lot more hard work to this job than most
one can be offended by any statement. people realize," the other four should stare
at him seriously while nodding, as if he's
announcing the cure for AIDS.
What we're trying Dance practice It's hitting the
five hours stage that gives Fans like to feel a connection to their idols.
to say in
our video is — every day — us energy to — So only tell them what they want to hear!
Just tryin' Even if your boy banders only use the com-
=1
to keep
it real - TainPthe k We're back in the
Love sharing
our music with
M
We sing
all our own
puter to download hot Asian porn, they
should say that they love all the fan web-
sites, and even check in every so often. If
2 our tans - songs - one of the members has a soundproof bed-
room so no one can hear his victims' cries
for help, he should say that he just likes
"spending a quiet night with that special
someone." If he's so whacked out on heroin
that he wakes up facedown in crusty vomit,
he should say that his pet's name
is Scooter, and that his
favorite movie is
Titanic.

BONIS

The critics gripe that boy bands are formulaic. But when you take five theoretically
talented young men, put them in identical outfits, and drill them like army rats at
West Point, the sparks have GOT to fly.
To fulfill one's potential as a performer, they gotta stay in touch with their spontaneous side.
Exactly 43 minutes into your Friday night stage show, one member might yell, "Let me hear you scream,
Miami!" But the next night, he should feel totally free to change this to "Let me hear you scream, Orlando!" At the 43-minute
mark, of course; let's not go completely nuts. But that sort of freewheeling improvisation is what makes or breaks a live performance.

Speaking of which, onstage banter

I "Who's here tonight
is a crucial way to interact with i j to get down?"
your young fan base. And the 1
"grabbers" you shout in-between
songs may decide whether your
band is just a flash in the pan, or
whether it can last the whole eight *y / IIFAV
months of superstardom.
h^Wk$ ;ft
SlPm?*
rZ^k. \
^ S ^ \ \ ' i'J/.,.:, \\

^^GOOD
 Directing music videos is easy, because there are only two types of
shots. The ones showing all five guys dancing and posing, and the
close-ups of each member pretending to feel emotion. Here's a handy
guide to the poses you'll need to put in every one of your videos:

Squatting In A Deep Knee Bend Holding Both Fists Up Next To Your Face All Five Boys In A Circle. Three Stand Still Straddling A Chair Backwards
(AKA The'Taking A Dump While You Scrunch Up Your Face While The Other Two Switch Positions (AKA The "So I Like Rubbing Against
In The Woods" Pose) (AKA The "Which Hand Has The M&M?") (AKA The "Red Rover, Red Rover, Chairs, Is That So Wrong?" Pose)
We Call Jordan Over" Pose)

The "Leaning Over And Making The "Sadly Turned Away The "All Five Guys Looking Down The "All Five Guys Looking Up
A Face Into The Camera" Pose. From The Camera" Pose At The Camera" Pose At The Camera" Pose
(NOTE: This one is great for conveying a (NOTE: This one conveys tremendous
totally wild sense of humor. After all, what emotional impact — and is great for
could be funnier than getting too close when one of the boys has a juicy
/ s h o t s of att * j g * £ S ^ g down
to a camera lens? Har har! Priceless!) zit on one cheek the day of filming)

BONUS flowing1- - "

TIP:

You know when boy bands appear on TV and say "it's all about the music"?
That's a load of Backstreet BuDcrap! Most bands don't make squat on the music.
It's all about the merchandising, baby! Your potential for sweet, sweet profit is
limited only by your imagination and inconvenient sense of morality!
Posters! T-shirts! Videotapes! Stickers! Why do you think the boys make sixteen clothes changes per
music video? Because every shirt, cap and medallion is in the catalog! (And you can charge $9.95 for
the catalog.) After all, who WOULDN'T want to own a replica of the windbreaker that Howie wears
for eleven seconds in the Don't Stop the Love video?

And when the act goes sour, schedule a

"concert tour" to a certain country with
non-poDced organ donor laws. You can get
a lot more cash than you might suspect
for five healthy Overs and ten kidneys*. BONUS
TIP:
 WHOLE LOTTO LOVE DEPT.
It goes like this: First, a state Lotto Jackpot begins to
swell and Lotto Fever spreads among regular players
9 SIGHS
like an STD at a Turkish bath! The jackpot grows, and
soon, even members of the Dom Perignon set are trying
to decide which combination of their children's birth-
days are "lucky"! Finally, the media catch hold of the
story and feed us the same lame-ass reports they did
LAST TIME the jackpot went up! If youj^state sponsors a
game of chance, then odds are you've seen each of the...

wow - 4.5 million a year

for the next twenty years!
That'd be a pay cut for
you, huh, Chuck? Ha-ha!

You hear roughly 2.7 "happy talk" jokes

per newscast a b o u t h o w t h e senior C'mon you #©!#$! Let's
anchorperson's salary is so huge, he get a move on! Somebody
doesn't need to play Powerball! else could be buying MY
winning ticket right now!

The local news runs t h e same stupid

interview w i t h t h e same bonehead m a t h
professor w i t h the same list of "10 things
more likely than w i n n i n g the lottery"!
36
 HAS SPREAD
TO YOUR TOWN ARTIST: RALPH REESE WRITER: MIKE SNIDER
.more on the continued bombing Ha-ha! Not yet.
in Iraq in a moment, but first, here's' | Skip, but if I had,
Tom Hilbink! Whoa, Tom, have look at what I
''you already won that Lotto jackpot? 1 The last time I was in a
could get...! Lotto line like this I got
strep and was in bed for
a week! But I was only
three numbers off from
winning! It was awesome!

;
' • >

N*
-f/.

mm

,*v

§ UUj
E v e r y w h e r e y o u g o there's a
b r a i n - d e a d d w e e b insisting t h a t
There's a t h r e e - m i n u t e r e p o r t w a i t i n g in line for hours i n t h e
b y t h e o d d b a l l f e a t u r e reporter cold a n d rain is a f u n e x p e r i e n c e !
d e t a i l i n g all y o u c o u l d b u y if
K y o u a c t u a l l y w o n t h e lottery!

HONK I'm telling Whatever! T

you, you Dude, annual This is
get so payments important! I
much are much - gotta
more in hey, isn't decide Oh sure, that extra two
the long that guy whether t o or three million would
run with stealing pick lump come in handy, but give
lump sum! your kid? sum or not! up my career? Never!

i-/^v:

m '*m^iiin

m \vr^

D o z e n s o f players — all l y i n g
You can't h e l p b u t o v e r h e a r h e a t e d t h r o u g h their t e e t h — s w e a r
d e b a t e s over t h e b u r n i n g issue o f they'd keep the stupid j o b they
l u m p s u m vs. 2 0 y e a r l y p a y m e n t s ! h a v e n o w if t h e y w o n !
37
 SERGE I N GENERAL DEPT.

38 ARTIST AND WRITER: S1RCIO ARACONES

 THE TRAITS OF WRATH DEPT.

I Hey kids, h e r e ' s an

exciting new g a m e !
J u s t read over
the examples
below and
see how
0 long it
takes

This Issue...
HOW YOUR PARENTS REACTED WHEN
YOU ASKED ABOUT SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME
 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A CAY MAKES DEPT.

When Ellen was cancelled in 1998, did you say to yourself, "Gee, I wish there were ANOTHER sitcom that's totally
indistinguishable from all the other cookie-cutter half-hour comedies on the major networks except for the lone fact
that it features a gay main character whose name is also in the title"? You did? Then your wish has been answered by...

I'm Wilt Trauma! Since so few I'm Craze! I live with Wilt! We have this cozy little I'm Crabbin! Craze's assistant at her design
people watch our show, we need to dysfunctional arrangement! I'm straight! He's gay! studio! A job similar in importance to being
introduce ourselves! I'm bright, I've traded in sex and excitement for Merlot and witty Andre Agassi's hair stylist! I'm incredibly
I'm fun, I'm charming! And I have little Advocate references! We have tons of mutual wealthy! I don't have to work for a living
but in this series I do! My character: an out-
something that makes me a social interests! We both watch The View on TV, we take the spoken, crude, rude rich bitch! Sort of trailer
outcast in today's society...I'm a Cosmo quiz and we love to rent chick flicks - like trash with a trust fund! How do you like me
lawyer! Oh, I also happen to be gay! My Best Friend's Wedding, the premise of which we so far? Who freakin' cares?! I have nails to
The phrase "legal briefs" comes up borrowed from to create this series! Unfortunately, we do! Move on to the next dialogue balloon!
I much too frequently in these episodes! only borrowed the premise and not the charm or humor!

Hi! NBC's pre-show promo press release on I'm Harrison

this show was, "We neither hide nor make a Ford! I have
special issue of the gay content." Really?! nothing
Then how do you explain ME!? I'm Shock! I'm whatsoever Q,
gayer than a fruitcake in a Key West bakery to do with this
during Bette Midler Festival Week! My likes: show! I just
muffin baskets, group hugs, dancing the Salsa thought some
naked and men in Speedos! Duh! Wilt and I of you would
are just good friends! I haven't "been there, like to see
42
W done him" but we do have our special song:
"You Are The Wind Beneath My Pants"!
what a real man
looks like!
WiLT CRAZ^
ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: JOSH CORDON
 Shock is going I need him in my I love this! Yeah! You Ha! Read 'em Where?!
to get us life! He's edgy, It's the only That's why don't find I've and weepie- I don't
evicted! Why he's bitter and show where we this series this on got weepie! see
do we allow him is creating Walker, two three
he owns every can build an jacks! Three queens!
to hang with single Barry episode at the so much Texas queens!
us so much?! Manilow record! ointment counter! industry buzz! Ranger!

Shock is would I have to be honest, Mr. Except for clause three!

starting You are so Bette Davis strongly Trauma! When I heard you You indicate the
to drive in every Warner's feature! advocate ?|| were gay I had some doubts,
employee contract is legally
me nuts! He's just a wacky Think of but you did a brilliant
Does he him as stock options binding only if the CEO
neighbor! Can't instead of job on this contract! opens each stockholder's
have to you put a positive a gay
stay here?! Kramer! cash funding! meeting by singing The
spin on this?! Village People's "YMCA"!
 What Why didn't Don't touch
the The big New We're calling it..Y2Gay! The theme somebody your hair!
heck is Year's Eve is: Come dressed as the Person of tell me!
this? You can
Millennium bash! the Century! There's Charles Lindbergh I'm not say you're
What We're welcoming in and Eleanor Roosevelt! Recognize
now?
dressed! Albert
the new century! me?! I'm Susan B. Anthony! Einstein!
 CARTOON CHARACTER ASSASSINATION DEPT.

THE VOTE IS I N !
In MAD #386 w e asked y o u , our extremely moronic (and sadistic!) readers, to choose one of six
highly unpleasant methods by which the Pokemon pictured here was to meet its well-deserved
demise. The response was disturbingly overwhelming! Nearly 30,000 of you voted, which, inter-
estingly enough, is more people than are expected to participate in the upcoming Presidential
election! A n d so, w e are perversely pleased and honored to carry out your wishes for its execution!

THE EXECUTION OF PIKACHU POLL RESULTS

AND THE WINNER, W I T H 56% OF THE VOTE, IS

THE DYNAMITE SCHTICK M; m

-~s^/\ I
 CmEVING LAS VECAS DEPT

MAD's
QELEBRITy CRUSE-OF-DEPTH
-

Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line on how
one of today's biggest stars is going to be subpoenaed by the grim reaper!
THIS MONTH'S FUTURE STIFF SENTENCE*

CAUSE OF DEATH ODDS

Riccxheting glass from
mirror breaking as she walks by 1*1
Lung blowout from excessive
^hushing''of witnesses 3? 1 ';

in subway for being TOO rude 5l 1

Catastrophic no$tril-ftaring mishap 10 •!
Slips and falls off stage while
giving speech at Yale LawSchcK^oh
V Restoring Dignity to our Court System" 2,500.1
WHAT'S THE MOST HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
OFFENSIVE THING
Y O U CAN SEE ON
AD FOLD-I
There seems to be no limit to disgusting ideas in
D I S P L A Y AT A
the art world. What is great art to some is truly
MUSEUM? offensive to others. To find out what a truly revolt-
ing example of this is, fold page in as s h o w n . FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!

o FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT - < 3 FOLD BACK SO THAT "A" MEETS "B'
 LOVE m,
4f*
0*"* * «•
OV£MY
cuur

££/wy
TROPHY
WIFE

PHOTOGRAPHER: IRVINC SCHILD WRITER: BARRY MEBMANN