Random Thoughts

Of a
Perplexed, Relaxed
Soul

By

Dr. Christie Black-Murrell, LPC

© 2023 by Christie Black Murrell

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be

reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in
any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical,
photocopy, recording, scanning, or other-except for brief
quotation in critical reviews, or articles, without the prior
written permission of the author.

Revised version

Publishing Company
C Black Expressions, LLC
 I Dedicate
This book to the
Lover of my soul
My friend,
Comforter,
Dream pusher,
Provider,
And Father…
The Only True and Living God.
Jesus!
The book also goes out to every young poet with a desire
for others to hear their soul through each stanza.
Progression of Feelings:

Prologue…………………………………………………
Love……………………………………………………..
Anger…………………………………………………….
Sadness………………………………………………….
Joy……………………………………………………….
Confusion……………………………………………….
Peace…………………………………………………….
Desire……………………………………………………
Pain……………………………………………………...
Strength………………………………………………….
PROLOGUE

Random Thoughts
Different words run rampant through my soul,
Yet unable to find their way out of my mouth.
Emotions… locked in my heart,
Afraid to share… afraid to start.
Opening up… who will receive…
What I have on my mind…
The dreams unfulfilled… and vision concealed.
Can I be real?
What would you say?
If I stand before you with all my imperfections,
All the flaws… and blemishes… the very things that you
think should be in my past…
No… the true me… is subject to fall fast.
But I’ll get up… and I’ll cover my indiscretions so that you
can handle me.
So that you can feel like you know me.
So that we can both be what others desire…never looking into
one another’s heart.
Never, seeing the ugly parts… Dealing with the surface… the
place where things are safe…

1
Never will we face the rambling that goes on in our heads…
The memories, the emotions, the fears, the hopes…
Nope, they will continue to be random thoughts.

2
LOVE

3
Unconditional

Years may pass without a call… but when times are hard
It’s on you that I know I can fall.
Distance may separate
But the bond that we share holds us close.
It’s deeper than blood, stronger than a whirlwind.
It’s that unconditional kind of love….
Time cannot consume it…
Nor argument or misunderstanding…
Misconstrue it…
Walls cannot contain it…
Neither can barriers refrain it…
See it’s been built on
A solid foundation
With bricks of trust
Cement known as respect,
Concrete better known as loyalty…
Wood panels of devotion,
Stucco called communication…
A roof plastered with memories of laughter, joy,
and peace….

4
Windows where you can see to the heart of one another.
A foundation held by the prayers of mothers,
fathers, grandmothers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles,
and cousins too…
See this unconditional kind of love.
It’s the kind I have for family… the kind I see in you.

5
From the Inside Out

When you speak to me whether out of your mouth or out

of your spirit,
MY HEART LEAPS.
To lay in your arms… puts us in a world of our own,
MY SOUL REJOICES.
When you stand beside me, we can take on the world,
MY PURPOSE IS AWAKENED.
As you look at me you see the innermost part that was
hidden from the start,
MY EYES ARE OPENED.
When you would hold my hands as they shake in fear
and a calm fall on me just because you are near,
MY SPIRIT SMILES.
You have shown me
Love in its purest form.
You have taught me that it starts when spirits are
aligned…
You have changed me for the better
And it is because of you that I can love from the inside
out.

6
I’m in Love
Just got to tell y'all
About my man…
He is every woman’s dream,
A friend when you need to share
Your deepest secrets… Never the one to judge, but
embraces you like it never happened.
A lover not just of my physical body, but excites my
emotions,
And most importantly my spirit leaps…
When I think about my man…
I’M IN LOVE.
Talk about a provider…
He is richer than you could imagine.
As a matter of fact, he is a King…
As amazing as that seems…
He chose me…
Cleaned me up,
Gave me new garments,
Even changed my name,
Since the day he came…

7
The new me could never be the same…
I’M IN LOVE.
I know you want a man like mine…
And although he can be jealous…
I won’t be…
So today fall in love with Jesus…
JUST LIKE ME!!!

8
Breathe
How do I describe or put into words…
I don't know if I can… Seems surreal this feeling that I
feel.
It’s like I’ve been holding my breath,
And now I can breathe.
Breathe in your air,
Inhale your essence.
Drown in your dreams… our dreams…
Visions of a future… Where we sustain…
Exist… have our being… Through each other…
Become one spirit…
One flesh, one heartbeat.
Where your breath becomes mine as we intertwine…
AND JUST BREATHE.

9
Different
Things are new, feelings are hard to explain or express…
However, in you, there is something so different from the
rest.
Your words are gently spoken,
Providing comfort and peace…
God has strategically placed you to eliminate my fears and
help the hurt to cease.
Different….
We can talk for hours and not want it to end.
The most important part of it… you are a true friend.
Listening to the woos in my heart,
Allowing me to have a fresh start,
Pulling me away from the hurts of the past,
It is my daily prayer that this feeling would last.
There’s something about you that has grasped my attention.
The very same things dominate my thoughts…
Wondering where this path may lead…
Knowing that you are the harvest of many planted and
nurtured seeds.
DIFFERENT….

10
A Love So Great
Never would have imagined…
The joy that lives in my soul
Or the smile that won’t fade.
All the plans that we have made…
A love so great.
When I am in your arms, time seems to stand still.
It is like it is all surreal…
This painting of my life…
No more pain, no more strife.
A love so great…
I let you into my world…
A privilege you have yet to take lightly,
But instead received me into your
heart.
Now it’s like I can't breathe when we're apart.
A love so great…
With each day,
As my comforter, encourager, and friend…
We grow closer still…
So, if I am dreaming… don’t wake me…
Because I need you to be real.

11
I Never Knew Love
Many times I searched for it…
Around corners and different turns,
Behind doors and under hills…
While only finding cheap thrills…
Many times, I looked for it,
In men or a quick hit…
Come to think of it… I never knew love.
Many times, I created it…
By looking at who he could be and not who he really is.
By settling for a warm body just because I never knew
love.
Many times, I searched for the bottle,
Only to end up drunk and lonelier than before…
Hoping somewhere in that bottle was the big score…
The feeling that I longed for…
I never knew love
Until Jehovah came into my life
And loved me unconditionally…
Embraced me… shaped my sins and all.
He would even pick me up when I’d fall.

12
In him, I got what I want and need NOT… search NO
MORE CAUSE NOW I KNOW LOVE.

13
Our Relationship (Dedicated to the Lover of
My Soul)

It’s like a courtship…

The nervous jitters, the butterflies in my stomach…
As I enter your presence,
I am so thrilled to kneel before you.
I am so privileged to be the apple of your eye.
As you look at me with pride,
My heart swells.
As you tell me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
I get chills.
To think that I have found favor in the eyes of the King,
To think that my praise has
brought a smile to your face,
Those feelings could never be replaced.
As we dance on golden sands,
You remind me of the virtuous woman that you see
within.
This is so amazing; it is hard to comprehend…
No longer a servant but you call me a “Friend”.

14
ANGER

15
This can’t be happening
I thought I heard you clearly, Lord.
I just knew this is what you said…
I thought this was the door you opened for me,
But somehow, I must have misread.
Your direction, your guidance, your voice…
Because this space I am in just can't be your
choice.
No, not for me…
Not for your daughter.
Not for the one in whom you are well pleased…
Nope… this has got to be a joke.
It’s not funny… not in any shape, form, or fashion.
No, this environment is causing an explosive reaction.
On the inside, I am in rage,
And that is just not the stage that I want to be in.
It's in this stage… it can cause the strongest of
them to sin…
I can't even comprehend…
Can’t put it into words…
Can't make sense of it all…

16
But I knew it had to be heard…
That this… Yes, this …. Just can’t be happening.

17
Blinding Shades of Red

Things I want to do to you… cannot even be said.

I can hear them now…
She calls herself a “Christian”.
Maybe they’ve never been mad,
Maybe they never felt like violence was the only choice
they had…
Don't get me wrong,
The spirit is obedient, but that flesh is strong.
These blinding shades of red…
RAGE… escalates as my heart beats as if it is attempting
to jump out of my chest.
CALM DOWN!! And do what’s best…
The small voice whispers to my inner man…
Yet, I know if I get my hand on you!
Boy, this is out of control.
Adrenalin pumping as I pace the floor…
Trying to calm down, trying to ignore…
Maybe it's because I trusted you,
Maybe it's the lies you told,
Maybe it's because I couldn’t handle all the control.

18
I don’t know… but THESE BLINDING SHADES OF
RED!
Give me visions of you dead.
Is that something a “Christian” should have said?
This I don't know… but THESE BLINDING SHADES
OF RED!
Have got to go!

19
Untitled

This place is something serious….

This feeling is strong…
It can barely be contained…
How do you restrain?
When the one you thought was for you has turned their
back…
Words were so sweet…
Gestures seemed so genuine.
Now you’ve flipped…
Don’t know if you’re making the right choice,
Don’t know if you're sure.
Were you sure when you took up my time
That I can’t get back?
Or were you sure
When said you wanted to make it official knowing how I
would react?
Just curious
If this decision is about me
Or is it more about what’s best for the man in the mirror?
You tell me…

20
Sound angry, huh?
Well, the truth is I am
Angry that you would come into my life,
Turn it upside down
With promises for a future,
Fill my head with dreams of you and me,
Then change your mind…
Want me to understand…
When what I want to do…is demand…
Some answers to the many questions in my head…
But instead, I hold my tongue,
Give you space…
Lots of space… cause I’m out!

21
What Do You Mean?

Pretend as if nothing happened,

Just move on girl,
At least you didn’t get hurt,
I don’t want to lead you on…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
You don't know what you want.
Didn’t you know that up front?
How could you come in with promises of the
world?
Now, you can't get your heart free from
ole girl…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Things seem so perfect…
I say all the right things…
It is almost like a dream.
Well, from the way you talk… it seems you must be
waking…
Because this has got to be some kind of
joke!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

22
Don't get this twisted…
We both talked for hours on end about the
future…
Nothing about let’s just be friends.
No, it was not about sex…
But we were on a level greater than that.
My spirit lines up to yours in prayer on
many a day…
Now you don't know if you can stay…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

23
What About Me?

Sometimes I wonder…
What about me?
When it seems that blessings are not coming my way,
I struggle not to stray.
Constantly I pray
And seek your face,
Pursue your wisdom,
Inquire for your directions, and guidance…
To no avail…
And on the inside, I yell.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Even times I get angry…
Then feel guilty for the anger.
At this stage, my spirit is in the most
danger…
Because in this place, I feel like a distant stranger.
No longer your daughter… no longer a
joint heir to the kingdom…
No longer full of purpose…no longer driven by my
destiny…

24
 LOST… LOST… NO LONGER
FOUND.
And those words continue to resound…
WHAT ABOUT ME?
What about my desires?
What about my happiness?
What about the prophecies?
WHEN GOD? WHEN?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
It is in that place where it is the hardest to
see…
You working behind the scenes… because of all the
smokescreens put in place by the enemy.
They come in the form of feelings that are difficult to
manage.
ENVY…
LONELINESS…
REJECTION…
DEPRESSION…
BITTERNESS…
BLAME… AND
SHAME…

25
And too many more to name.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion… it is not an illusion…
And there is no confusion… as to whether you hear me
And whether you see.
But if I choose to be stuck in…
My “what about me?”
I will never see the true manifestation of the prophecies.

26
Hey You!

I yell behind you as you close the door,

Not just in my face,
But on every dream that I made for our future…
You say, “It’s better this way,”
I say, “Depends on who you ask.”
No explanation…
No rationale…
No understanding…
Just OVER… OVER…
Years I can never get back…
Tears so hot…
Don’t make any sense…
HEY YOU!
Look at me!
Be a man… and tell me why?
I gave you all of me… mind, body, and soul.
Still not enough… never enough…
You wanted your freedom,
And I wanted you.
Those did not mix…

27
Tried to be what you needed… never getting that in
return.
Still, I stayed… even laid down with you.
Innocence gone… seemed like a matter of minutes…
Give it back… That precious part of me.
I yell… I scream… I cry… but nothing changes.
Here I am… There you’ve gone…
With me yelling at your back… HEY YOU!

28
One Of Those Days

Sometimes I wake up and I say, “This is one of those

days…”
First of all, my alarm does not go off.
Then I hear the rain smacking against my window.
I think….” Man, this suck, just got my hair done.”
Walk into the bathroom to take a shower and my
roommate has used all the hot water.
Finally, get dressed and step right into a mud puddle.
Thinking all the time…” I’ve had better days.”
Change clothes… get to work and realize I have to lead a
meeting.
Walk into the room in front of all my colleagues… only
to notice that my shirt is unbuttoned.
“Can it get any worse?”
One of those days…
After the 30th wrong number and the 10th conference
call,
I can finally leave… thinking” Things will be better once
I am home.”

29
Pull out of the parking space and SMACK! Someone hit
me from the back.
Before I lose every semblance of my creator,
I yell to the top of my lungs,” Just one of those days.”

30
SADNESS

31
Does Anybody Hear Me?

Distress written all over my face…

Yet, I consistently replace it with a smile.
Anxiety is shown through my shaky hands but still, I
continue to put my trust in a man.
Anguish has become my closest friend… Somehow no
one notices that it has all been a pretense…
All a masquerade, a facade, a rouse, hoping no one will
see the bruise after bruise… imprinted on my heart.
Yet, I scream on the inside as if being torn apart.
DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME?
Hear me crying out for help,
Hear me begging for approval,
Hear the sad song on repeat in my soul.
NO, they never look that deep,
Never seek to know all of me,
Never imagine that the bubbly smiley face that they see
could really be
A mask, a shield to cover the tender part…
To protect the dreams, protect the destiny, protect the
purpose… placed there by the hands of my creator…

32
Only to be released to deserving ears that will not only
hear… BUT EMBRACE.

33
Listen, Baby…

How do I describe what I feel on the inside?

How do I put into words the agony that has taken root in
my heart?
How do I convey the ripping within my soul?
Can you not see it? Can you not feel my need to be near
you; for you to embrace me… for you to say we’re,
okay?
Could you possibly not share in my pain?
Could you move forward as if there was never you and
me?
How could that be? The idea of you turning your back
into my tears…
Shutting me out… all because of your fears… Fears that
you will never be enough…
That I will desire you to be something or someone you
just can't be.
Did you ever think that love covers… that love is
patient… that love endures?
That love finds no fault…. that love is vulnerability and
faith wrapped in one…

34
PROBABLY NOT… That’s why I am sitting in the
midst of my tears, praying to you through your fears.
Believing that the holy spirit will whisper directions and
purpose in your ears…
Listen, Baby…

35
The Heart

It desires what it desires…

And pursue at all costs…
Driven by emotional combustion,
Motivated by obsession…
To have and to hold… until time ends…
The soul and affection of its lover and friend…
The Heart…
To stand in agreement,
Against all odds,
To believe without proof in the honesty, integrity, and
devotion of another…
To look for the good, speak of the good…
Forgive the flaws… embrace yourself piece by piece…
ALL…
The Heart…
Yet, you couldn't do the same…
You looked for reasons…
To point out my wrongs…” You are not good enough”
was the song on repeat…
In my soul because of you…

36
Because of that… my heart that was once whole… is
broken into a million pieces and I don't know how to put
them back.

37
Stop The Rain

Tears flow like rain…

Drip…
Drop…
On my heart, they fall…
Lord, don't let me build a wall.
A wall to keep out the pain…
To close away the vulnerable feelings…
A shield to cover the sensitive parts of me…
Even still the tears flow like rain…
How did we get here? And how do we get back? Or push
forward?
I DON’T KNOW! Just goes to show the necessity for
communication…
The very glue to hold any relation of two souls
attempting to unite…
So, what do we do?
Answers unknown…
Until they are shown or revealed…
The rain won’t stop.

38
Frozen

Something inside of you

Is Frozen in time…
You appear to be so far from me…
Are your mind and heart in this very
moment?
How to get back?
How to defrost?
How to come out of hiding?
How to break free from fear?
If only you had the answers,
If only you could grab hold of the truth,
Maybe then I could reach back.
Grab hold to the thoughts… the feelings that got
me here…
HERE?
It would appear that I could identify the
palace that I am in…
Yet that is so far from true…
Actually, the place I am in…
It’s brand new…

39
 You see this uncharted territory, at least
with you as my co-pilot…
We’ve never laid on this glacier or made our home in an
igloo.
No, our connection has been filled
with sunny days… blissful evenings…
And now I know that I need the snow to melt… maybe it
has…
Or have my eyelids released the tears they have
held captive?

40
Don’t Look at Me

Spirit man says go right…

Yet, I continued my life to the left…
Striving daily to rectify all the sins of my past… as they
continue to build a wall to block my future.
I know that you pulled me out of my mess but the
flashbacks won’t let me rest.
DON’T LOOK AT ME!
When I stumble and fall far, far, far from your glory,
When I give in to the thoughts of my flesh that have
consumed my every action,
When I revert to the old man within… even though I put
him off years ago…
God, I can’t take this no mo.’
DON’T LOOK AT ME!
In my heart, I know the sacrifice that you made for me…
But late at night when the enemy whispers sweet
nothings in my ear,
My fear rises within that someone might hear…
The pleasure I have as I give into the wiles of my
emotions…

41
UP AND DOWN… back and forth… on one side to the
other…
Pushing me further away from your presence…
DON’T LOOK AT ME!
I can’t stand before you… Filthy thoughts, dirty hands,
attempting to raise in praise… the King of Kings…
You know me… my thoughts, my secrets, my works, my
deeds, my tears, my fears…
PLEASE… PLEASE, DON’T LOOK AT ME!

42
Broken (7/4/07)

Time and time again,

Always starts the same…
Full of great conversation,
Full of compliments…
“You are the best.” “Where have you been?”
Hearts knitted like the closest friends…
Somewhere along the way…
Confusion comes… Fear rears its ugly head…
Just when I think to fight, I wallow instead…
Broken…
From dreams
To hope…
Even Plans…
Everything that I saw for our life
Is now smeared,
Is now blemished…
Torn… disconnected… subjected to ridicule…
This is how you left me…
To pick up the pieces… to give the right answers
to all the questions that were to come…

43
To be the voice of reason, to confront the critics…
The resounding question is why…
But there is no need to try to get a clear answer…
Which leaves me in the same space… Broken.

44
JOY

45
Those eyes (Morgan & Cydney)

There was something about those little brown eyes,

There was something about those little brown
toes,
There was something about the little round nose,
That brought me joy I couldn’t explain.
It was the look in those little brown eyes that screamed I
need you,
That whispered take care of me, love me, mold
me.
It was the grip of those little brown fingers that held my
index so tight,
That my heart race a little faster, my mind
wonders about all the possibilities.
Those eyes that made me a
mother…
Those eyes that gave me a privilege and an obligation all
at once,
Those eyes looked at me with purity,
Those eyes looked at me with trust,
I knew then what I must do…

46
Protect you, shield you, teach you, guide you, and love
you with all of my heart…
Because those eyes, those little deep
brown eyes looking at me…
Were a reflection of mine.

47
On This Day (5/11/13)

You handed me your heart…

As your knees shook and your mind awaited the answer
that lingered on my lips.
Lips that appeared to be frozen in time…
Desiring to respond yet… immobilized by joy,
excitement, and fear.
Faith intervened as those three letters slipped out and
tears welled…
Compelled by unrestrainable love we embraced…
As we attempt to gather our thoughts…
Suppress our beating hearts…
And come to grips with reality…
You for me… and me for you…
For ETERNITY.

48
The Awakening (1/13/02)

I don’t know what it was about that morning,

But the sun seemed to shine a little brighter
And my heart created a rhythm of its own…
Even though I had set in that very pew… many… many
times…
Did I say many a long-drawn-out Sundays…
There was this pull almost magnetic… and I could no
longer hold my seat…
But as if I were on autopilot…
I was up on my feet….
Somehow, I got to the front…
And to my surprise, I was even able to talk.
As the pastor welcomed me in… explaining how Jesus
has erased my sin…
Tears ran down my face… and immediately his love
filled the void…
You know that empty space.
No more slumber,
No more wandering.

49
My eyes were opened from the nightmare, known as my
life…
As I embraced my awakening.

50
Simple Things

A check in the mail,

A call from an old friend,
Promotion on the job,
Flowers from the one you love,
Birth of twin boys,
Proposal to share his world,
Courtesy from a stranger,
Hug from your grandma,
Kiss from your honey,
Manifestation of a fervent prayer,
Cute picture by your five-year-old,
A great book,
A bubble bath,
Candlelight dinner,
A hilariously funny movie,
And… just the simple things…

51
He Rose

The sun shined brighter this morning…

Something special about this day…
It was as if the grass was greener.
The clouds looked softer than marshmallows
And I looked up in awe and amazement…
AS MY KIND ROSE…
Rose from the gruesome death
That was predestined and had to unfold…
Rose with all power,
Rose so that I could rise,
Out of pain,
Out of shame,
Out of guilt,
Out of condemnation,
Into joy, peace, strength…
All because he rose!

52
Destination Joy

A place of utopia,
A land of milk and honey,
A setting of comforting things…
To some it’s marriage… that place of safety and love…
To others, it's no responsibility…
It may even be a sanctuary
Or the arms of him or her…
Could be the birth of your firstborn…
Possibly never having to conform…
Where it is …
However, you get there…
The question is how do you stay?
Will you even realize it if you have strayed away?
What does it take to maintain?
This place of euphoria with no more pain….
Is it only for the elite?
Do I have to compete or maybe it’s a test I will have to
complete?
Can I drive?
Or must I fly?

53
To this lofty place of a temporary high…
Maybe I am already there
But I must embrace this stage,
Put away games, end the charade,
Walk into the land in which my father has made.

54
C
O
N
F
U
S
I
O
N
55
Crossroads

Such a familiar place,

Yet a territory uncharted…
Almost like Deja Vu
Or maybe just a full circle…
Circle of confusion, frustration, pleasure, and pain…
Crossroads…
Maybe I should toss a coin…
A coin to tell me where to go…
Yet within me, the answer lies.
Under the tears, fears, self-pity, and shame…
In the midst of the illusion of a real-life utopia…
Crossroads…
All signs point right, yet so intent…
On going to the left I am…
IN AND OUT… BACK AND FORTH…
Yes, no, maybe so… Heart racing… chasing…
A dream… a feeling… emotional high…
So hard I try
To get there…
Crossroads…

56
Where is there?
Is it here?
Am I even nearby?
REVELATION, ANSWERS, WISDOM…
Or
Further, further away… drowning in guilt, shame, and
blame…
CROSSROADS!

57
Forward

How should I feel….

Sometimes the anger wants to erupt
And pour out of me… like the lava that drips out of the
mouth of a volcano.
Other times there is a smile on my face… that seems to
be glued into place.
My mind wonders if that is the end…
Goodbye to possibility, goodbye to a friend.
Or maybe a beginning to a new chapter of a story… with
many twists and turns and with each one… I hope to
learn…
Learn how to love,
Not just how to feel…
Learn how to share,
Never to compare…
Loves that are lost… Loves that have gone away…
Loves that have had their time and no longer can they
stay…
As monumental moments… in my mind.

58
No, their time has expired… and although they have
inspired…
Many articulate words and eloquently spoken verses,
Still, they can no longer inhabit my dreams.
No, it is time to clean out the corners of love gone bad,
erase the memories of men I’ve had… How should I feel
or how will I feel… only time will tell.
But until then I will propel…FORWARD!

59
Am I saved?
What does it mean?
Am I to be perfect?
Will my problem just cease?
These questions I pose to the father…
Where is this great joy?
How do I get my keys?
You know the keys to my promises?
How does this worship thing work?
Am I supposed to still hurt?
Am I saved?
Salvation is just the beginning …
You still must choose…
Choose life or death…
No, you will never be perfect, I am the only one…
Trials will come; so, will errors…
Problems won’t disappear…
But never you fear…
For your joy is here along with those keys… in my
presence… There is peace and strength…
Through your worship and praise…
That is what will get you through the days.

60
Mumbo Jumbo

Mumbling… whispering…. screaming words… rapidly

racing in my mind… curved roads… crooked streets…
Unanswered questions… looks of dismay…
Desire to stray… pull to stay…
Right… No, wrong way… NEW DAY!
Not for me… blinded by darkness…
Unable to see… Future plans for good… Knowing what
should be done…
Hot then cold… struggling with the strongholds…
TIRED… SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
TIRED…
Release… Embrace… Washed away… and erased…
Clean Slate… walking upright and straight…
LOOK BACK… turn around…
AM I LOST OR FOUND?
Confusion, Mania, Frustration, Temptation,
Determination, and Tenacity, drive me toward the higher
calling… answer me…
Answer me… cover your ears to hear, open your heart to
listen.

61
Static loud, disconnect then reconnect…
Channel changed… deranged thoughts…
Tears suppressed… no rest… mind racing… yet pacing
in and out…
Stability needed… consistency succeeds it…
submerged…
Pulled up, pushed down…
Life turned around… Stand your ground…
Rock and sway… come what may… But stay…
For this is the day of…
CHANGE!

62
What’s a girl to do

When life feels like more than you can handle,

When it feels like life is folding all around,
When it feels like it is hard to breathe from day to day,
But you know in your heart of hearts there is no
way that this or anything else will break you…
What’s a girl to do?
When the options seem slim and at the same time, they
are plentiful,
When there are so many doors to go
through but also not enough choices
Or at least not choices that you know which one
to take,
This girl needs a mental break…
A moment to recharge,
A moment to relax,
A moment to rejuvenate,
There is absolutely no need to debate…
Wherever this girl lands will be in
line with her fate…

63
It will be a part of her destiny… Revealed in prayer… A
part of his plan…
A bigger plan… A plan full of hope… A
plan for her future…
So, what’s a girl to do?
This girl… WILL BE RIGHT HERE WAITING
ON YOU!

64
Mixed Emotions

Thoughts of you dominate my mind…

Feelings I can’t control.
Happy, sad, mad, and glad…
All at once… Mixed Emotions…
Your smile does this thing to me…
Yet there’s a side of you that I try hard
not to see.
Face to face with you has my flesh elated…
But when I try to return to my true
love,
My guilt has penetrated… my very being…
The worship I restrain,
Due to the pain…
I feel when I realize that yet again, I’ve sinned and fallen
short…
NOW WHAT? Sit and cry… or shake it off and try
again… again… again…
Feelings out of control… happy, sad, mad, and glad…
Mixed Emotions…
What to do, decisions must be made…

65
To step into the plan, he laid… I know what to do…
Because my confusion is you.
My it, that thing to take me out of the will…
No, I must stand still…
Feelings out of control…
Happy, sad, mad, glad…
Knowing what’s right but looking, admiring and even
dreaming of the wrong…
I must stay strong…
It won’t be long…
He promised great things… to those who wait…
Wait on him… the one who reigns… the one with the
keys to all you need…
Want or could imagine…
So let go of your “if” …
No more confusion, no more illusion,
Just stand and be PROVEN…
Feelings out of control…
HAPPY, SAD, MAD, AND GLAD… all at one…

66
I Can’t Hear You

Sometimes in the rain,

Through the fog,
Surrounded by pain,
I CAN’T HEAR YOU….
When my mind is changing like a remote control
And the stressors of the day have taken their toll….
When my flesh is in the driver’s seat
And visions of my past are on repeat…
I CAN’T HEAR YOU….
Seems like I am running in place, when I attempt to seek
your face….
It’s like climbing a mountain… as I continue on this
paper case…
I CAN’T HEAR YOU….
It’s like the voices in my head are on full blast…
How long will this feeling last?
Running through this blackout….
I wish you would just shout…
So that I could hear your voice…
RECEIVE YOUR WISDOM,

67
FIND SOME FREEDOM…
Trying to reach this kingdom…
Level of living …
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't get there…
Oh, life is so unfair…
Benign tossed and turned … here and everywhere….
I CAN’T HEAR YOU…
Unless I close my mouth,
Open my heart,
Let you in… Cease to sin… then and only then will I
hear you.

68
Don’t Know If You’ve Been There.

A place of emptiness, a drought, a barren land, my very

own lo-debar… seemingly no answers… Screams go
unheard… Tears fall on the hearts of the unmoved…
emotionless creatures…
Who will turn their back on your distress…. Who don’t
even blink as your heart is slowly being ripped out…
Don’t know if you’ve been there,
When you knock until your knuckles bleed,
But no one answers…
You wonder if they are enjoying your pain,
You wonder if in some sick, misconstrued way your
sorrow is their source of joy…
Maybe I am the only one… who has cried until there
were no more tears…
Held hands with all of my fears… Embrace my
disappointments and become captive to my failures…
I tiptoed in the direction of self-destruction all the time
looking for a way out…

69
Some sign of hope… A place of safety… Someone who
is all KNOWING… needing to be made aware of the
good that lives within me.
All the time he was there… ushering me through these
trails….
Leading me as the dog leads his blind owner…
Allowing me to endure,
Molding me in the fire,
Shaping me through each inquiry,
Maturing me in the midst of each delay,
Picking me up after each fall,
So that I might stand tall before you…
Having endured the test… which are now testimonies of
his goodness…
Acknowledgments of his faithfulness…
So yes, I’ve been there…. and now I am here…
Just to remind you…no matter the situation…
GOD IS NEAR.

70
PEACE

71
Fresh Wind

Blowing softly on my face,

Gently whispering words of freedom,
Barely audible sounds of deliverance…
Fresh wind…
Infuses me with power and strength,
Girds me up with holiness and righteousness,
Restores the love that was lost… Seals our bond like
never before…
Fresh wind…
Comes right when you need it,
Only if you are open to receive it…,
Helps you to conceive
All the dreams… visions… prophecies…
As he breathes…
A FRESH WIND.

72
I Found Myself

Wandering around many times in circles…

Down roads with dead ends…
Connecting with the wrong friends…
Drowning in the abyss of bad choices…
Smothered by the troubles of the world…
I found myself…
Somewhere in the midst of lies and deceit,
Underneath condemnation and defeat,
Covered in lust, engulfed in pain,
Stranded in a place of constant rain…
I found myself…
And when I did,
I didn’t recognize my exterior for
It reminded me of a kid…
Naive and gullible, fragile & torn,
Used and confused, hurt & ashamed,
Tired of all the tricks, tired of the games…
So, I brought you this broken shell of me…
You embraced me as if I were a beautiful sight to see…
You cleansed me, made me new,

73
Erased my past and pushed me to…
The one you designed with a specific purpose in mind,
The one you created for this very time…

74
Peace
When I am nestled in the nook of your arms,
When I hold my little girl's tiny hands,
When I lay next to my mom sharing the whose of my
day,
When I surrender my worries at the feet of
Jesus…
PEACE….
When I sit on the beach and the tips of the water cascade
against my feet,
When I fall in love with my favorite line of my
latest read,
When I sing off tone worshiping an Intune, on time God,
When you hold me tight in an embrace….
PEACE…
Connecting with an old friend, receiving an unexpected
surprise, having a heartfelt conversation… sharing your
goals with the one with the one you love…
PEACE…

75
When I Enter…

I lift my hands to surrender to your will,

I open my mouth to praise who you are,
I run in place or all around to give you glory,
I clap my hands to exalt you as KING,
I wave my arms from side to side to worship you,
I bend down on my knees to show my reverence,
I dance before you to show you my heart,
I moan and groan to utter the cries of my soul,
I kiss your feet to show you that I am humbled before
you,
I give you all of me because I don't know any other way
To enter your throne room,
To come before your throne of grace,
To lay in your holy place,
To stand before your face,
Whisper my deepest fears,
Knowing that you hear me,
When I enter…
When I enter…

76
Comforting

A gentle breeze,
A soft embrace,
Was caress the ocean’s edge,
Raindrops tapping the window’s ledge,
Melancholy tunes tickle my eardrums,
Intimate time with my creator.
COMFORTING…
A hug from a dear friend,
The softest lyrics in my ear,
Absolute silence…
The perfect stanza to end a thought…
Calming peace, after we have fought…
COMFORTING…
The smell of fresh cut grass,
The sounds of toddlers when they laugh,
A baby being rocked to sleep,
A saxophone player in key and on beat…
COMFORTING…

77
Our Place

We have a place where we can meet,

Where I can lay at your feet,
Inhale your sweet aroma…
Dance in the arms of the lover of my soul,
Whisper all my hurts… cry out praises… make my
petitions known…
OUR PLACE….
A set apart area
Where the love is far more than any can measure,
Where my inhibitions know no limit,
Where my dreams are revealed,
Where you restore me,
Where you hold me up… when I am at the end of my
strength….
THIS IS OUR PLACE…
In this space, my mask is removed…
You see my inner parts… and you smile…
Because regardless of what I see in the mirror,
You know that I am all you created me to be…

78
You reveal in part… the many plans… that you have for
my life…
IT IS IN OUR PLACE…
That I am no longer afraid…
But I am released from fear, no more depression or
oppression…
No, I am at liberty to be all that you called me to be and
as I dance before you
And sing the love song to you, my king…
I know that I am made whole…
IN OUR PLACE.

79
Nothing Broken, Nothing Missing

Coming into the fullness of who I am in you,

Truly comprehending the love that you have for me,
The opening of my eyes to the favor that you have laced
in my life,
Understanding that before I am anyone’s partner, I am
first your wife….
Nothing broken, Nothing missing….
Feeling complete and whole through the love that you
show me,
Embracing all that you predestined me to be…
Releasing the hurt… forgiving my past… allowing
restoration to the take palace…
Dismissing destructive thoughts… so I can see all the
more clearly your face…
Nothing broken, Nothing missing….
Lack in no area… the search for peace now over….
For I have found my place of sanity,
A place full of relief…
All-encompassing is tranquility…
With nothing broken, nothing missing.

80
DESIRE

81
I Need You

How can you not know?

You make me whole.
How can you not know?
Time goes by but without you, it seems to stand still.
How can you not know?
That the tears won’t stop,
That I cannot breathe,
That my heart aches,
That my body is limp
Without you.
How can you not know?
How much I need your touch,
How much I miss your kiss,
How much just your voice soothes my soul…
Could you know?
And not care and not hurt as I do,
And not feel my tears,
And not want to hold me as I you…
Is that possible?
To know my need and turn away….

82
No, not you… anybody but you…
The love of my life, my friend, my counselor, my past
and future….
You couldn’t know, but
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?

83
Forbidden

You shouldn’t do that… or say that… or go there…

That’s not right…
You know you're wrong.
Ringing in my ear… FORBIDDEN…
Pulling me, nagging me, towards you… that thing…
my… it… that… blocks… STOPS… and hinders my
surrender….
Forbidden…
Maneuver my mind, block out... the thoughts, speak the
word…
All these remedies I’ve heard…
Ove; and Over even in my sleep….
FORBIDDEN…
Face to face… decisions at hand….
Commanding my flesh to withstand…
Overriding my emotions…
There must be some kind of potion…
To stop the ache…. so that I can shake it…
FORBIDDEN…
Hold on right to his promises…

84
Stay in his will…
Don’t trust how you feel…
But kneel…
Before him… reveal your heart… a good start to push…
pass the FORBIDDEN.

85
My Passion

You are the air that I breathe,

My very reason for living,
The source that provides
Our love no one can divide…
My Passion…
You give my heart joy
And my soul a new song…
In your presence is where I belong…
I don’t think it could be any stronger… This pulls
towards your throne…
This draws to worship…
This desire to look into your eyes…
My Passion…
You have given me everything…
Yet you ask for nothing in return.
But I devote all of me…
As I bow my head…
Lifting my heart… It is in you that my life finally starts.
My Passion…
It is there at your feet

86
That I can show you who I am…
No need to put on airs…
No restraint if people stare…
All I care about is loving on you…
My Passion…
That is where I am complete…
Worshiping you is a feeling no one can beat…
Being made whole…
Allowing you to fully take control.
So even when the world is weighing heavy and taking its
toll.,
Things will only get better…
As I hold on to you…
MY PASSION…
MY PASSION…

87
Songs Within

I have a pull to release…

All that is within…
Line upon line,
Stanzas that never end.
When I pick up my pen
It’s as if it moves on its own…
Creating worlds that I’ve never witnessed,
Dreams that have been recurring,
Articulately expressing pain and love,
Symbolically depicting my king,
Dramatically interpreting places, I have seen,
Healing me slowly with each curve of the letters,
Freeing me from anger and placing me at peace.
That’s why I push to get to my paper…
I always carry my pen…
Cause I desire to reach those things… so that the songs
within
Will be released along with you and me.

88
Girl Talk
Did you see him?
How could I miss it?
Such a fine specimen…
You know my mind quickly went to marital bliss…
There you go… is that all you think about…
What else is there?
Now you are not being fair…
You know there is so much more
Pour your life into a child…
Maybe music, dance, or poetry…
Better yet… Why don't you find a good ministry?
One where your time is more productive
And maybe you won't feel so incomplete…
Girl, all I can see right now is how can I compete
With the next woman…
Cause I can’t imagine living my life alone…
Who said anything about being alone?
I am talking about peace, unconditional love, a lover like
no other, a friend to the fatherless…
Where you ask?
1-800 JESUS!

89
Dream Chaser

Ever wanted something so bad you could taste…

Ever knew that this was exactly what you were supposed
to be doing…
Ever longed for doors to just crack open so that
you could run through them…
Then you… yes you are a dream chaser…
Ever wake up in the morning and before your feet could
hit the floor
You just knew that there was so much more you
should be doing…
Could be doing… Would be doing…
Keep chasing…
Keep running in the direction of your heart’s desire…
Keep pushing when it seems like you are
not being heard…
Keep driving when it feels like no one care…
Because you know… in the pit of your
stomach…
You know in your heart of hearts…

90
 You know that this thing… This one
dream… This one sense of purpose… This strong desire
that you will speak words to empower millions…

Will motivate and encourage….

Will do exactly what you and it were destined to do…
SPEAK LIFE!

91
PAIN

92
I Hurt

I don’t know how to make it stop…

As much as I need you,
I also need to stay away.
Come to me,
Hold me and make it stop.
Take the pain away,
Wipe the tears as they flow.
Slowly they flow down…
You have been my friend, lover, and at a time as close as
a brother….
Where do I go from here?
How do I close the door?
The door that only you have the key to…
The door to my soul… every vulnerable part of my
being…
I must make the pain stop,
I must find closure,
I must no longer hide… but confide in my true friend,
the love of my soul…
I must trust his way is right…

93
No longer put up a fight…
I must take up his burden and yoke for they are light…
I hurt…
But it won't be long…
Until I will be singing a new song,
Song of joy, peace, and love…
A song of freedom from all of the hurt!

94
Put Me Back Together

I don’t know how to gather myself…

Like pieces of a puzzle spread out on the floor…
Really can’t do this any more
Scattered here and abroad
Are little fragments of my heart.
Dispersed are my emotions which have gotten away
from me…
Need your spirit to collect all the bits that I so freely
gave away…
Don’t really remember the hour, the season, or even the
day…
Could you please piece me back together?
Like the carpenter that you are,
Like the healer that you’ve proved to be time and time
again,
Like the one who restores… and never changes… from
beginning to end…
And even in the midst of it all you still call me friend…
Sometimes I wonder
If it is even possible…

95
Could I ever truly be whole…
Yet there is this voice that whispers softly…
I AM the only one you need…
And if you call upon me, I will hear you… because I
cannot fail but ONLY succeed…
And I will piece you back together…
Not only that… but it will be your greatest comeback.
You will soar like an eagle or stand ever so tall and
regal…
Everything that you felt you lost
I will give back double…
Collecting, Shaping, and Molding you anew….
So, well that you will forget all the trouble you’ve been
through.
So, to answer your question…. “Can I make you
whole?”
I will simply remind you that no matter how things look
I have always been in CONTROL.

96
When I Hide Inside Myself

No one can hear me crying out,

No one knows how I want to shout…
It is almost like there is no more pain…
Yet in my heart, it continues to rain.
When I hide inside myself,
No one can see me for who I am…
I become a shell of a normal woman,
I melt into others’ image of me…
But no one ever truly sees…
When I hide inside myself,
The rejection doesn’t hurt so bad…
I don’t even have to be sad….
Even though my smile is plastered on as if I am glad,
No one really cares though….
They all ask the right questions,
Say all the right things,
Continue to move through a daily routine…
When I hide inside myself,
No one sees my flaws,
No one sees the fragmented person I’ve become…

97
And I can remain numb…
When I hide inside myself.

98
How Could You Love Me?

When you called me, I didn’t answer….

Instead, I turned my back…
Turned from the very things you wanted to do for me,
To all the things you tried to protect me from…
I neglected our time together,
Even stopped coming to your house…
The very friends you separated me from,
I ran to be in their company….
Giving them all your time and all your money…
Used the body that was created to worship you
To fulfill others’ carnal lusts…
Yet through it all,
You continue to show me love like I’ve never known…
That very concept is impossible to comprehend at
times…
Love without bounds,
Love without limits…,
Love that requires nothing, yet has given everything.
I don’t deserve that type of love… after all that I daily do
to reject it…

99
Yet you so freely embrace me, forgive me, and ask me to
stay…
How could you love me when I continuously turn away?

100
STRENGTH

101
I am a WOMAN… (Dedicated to WOMEN
EVERYWHERE)

W. O. M. A. N.

Worthy because of him,

Obedient to him,
Marvelous because I am his workmanship,
Anointed because he saw fit…
Necessary because there is much work to do…
I AM A WOMAN… W.O.M.A.N.
We are all women capable and virtuous in our individual
respects but this one that we are honoring today, she
surpassed them all…
And here Worth is more than rubies…
Rubies… not diamonds that they say are a girl’s best
friend….
No, a rare jewel is she…
Tenacious in her Servitude
Relentless in philanthropy…
She is the one whose children rise and call her blessed…

102
Not just her birth children… but every young girl,
woman, boy or man that she has extended her nurturing
heart towards…
They all see… and
Now you understand
Just why her head’s not bowed…
No, her mere stature is sure to make you proud
Cause she's a woman…
Phenomenally…
Phenomenal W.O.M.A.N.
Worthy because of him,
Obedient to him…
Marvelous because she is his workmanship,
Anointed because he saw fit…
Necessary because there is much work to do…
Yes, this Woman
Is quick to pour into others…
Share even when it's hard…
Give out of the abundance of her heart… because she is
a Ruby… R.U.B.Y.
Reckless in her abandonment of the things of this world,
Unique and peculiar set apart just as she was designed,

103
Busy with her hands giving no room for an idol mind…
Yielding her will so that God’s will shall be done on
Earth just as it is in heaven…
See this WOMAN is an example to others….
She is the standard, a mold to follow… as she follows
Christ…
THIS WOMAN… W.O.M.A.N. is one to emulate.

104
This Too Shall Pass

When situations seem out of control,

All the doors that you desire to be opened… seem to be
sealed…
Every prophecy and direction have yet to be revealed…
KNOW THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Walls seem to be closing in around you,
Dreams seem to fade away,
The hand of the Lord seems to not want to stay….
Your mind says stray… this saved thing ain’t for you…
KNOW THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Crying becomes a daily routine,
No one seems to hear your pain,
Getting out of bed becomes more of a strain,
Distant from everyone is how you feel…
Emotions are harder and harder to conceal...
KNOW THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Yet, you wonder how, when?
Is it something I must do to stop the hurt?
A soft voice whispers let me love you… from the inside
out…

105
You want to shout or maybe just pout… cause you don’t
know how to give it up…
So, finally, no more tears… you just stand in awe….
And wait
For the manifestation…
With a new determination…
KNOWING THAT THIS HAS ALREADY PASSED!

106
Created for Battle

I’ve given you the weapons

To fight this fight…
I created you victorious in your own right.
See I birthed you as a soldier in my army…
Even before your mother conceived you in her womb…
You were predestined to wage war against all enemies…
And no, it’s not the faces that you see every day…
It is the spirit behind them
That sets out to push you away…
Away from my plan for you,
Away from the purpose within,
Away from dreams that you have yet to
comprehend…
Don’t worry you have tools…
I’ve given you the armor,
You are equipped cause I created you for battle.

107
It Came At A Price

It came at a price… this thing called freedom…

BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS…
Long nights full of fears,
Fear that it was your night to be the master’s delight…
Fear that your time of reigning in Africa would only be a
distant memory far from sight…
IT CAME AT A PRICE… this thing called freedom…
From Martin’s march to Rosa’s refusal to give up her
seat…
From Malcolm’s demise to the innocent look in the eyes
of our little brown babies as we explain…
“White Only” restrooms or why you were beaten with
brooms, chased by dogs, put into jail, squirted with
hoses…
All for this thing called “Freedom” …
See it came at a price… this thing called Freedom…
When they stretched our savior wide,
When they beat him unmercifully, and the bruises were
more than they could hide…
But they did not want to… NO…

108
They wanted you to see… So that TODAY… we would
know…
THAT CAME AT A PRICE THIS THING CALLED
“FREEDOM”.
In hopes that we would embrace each other as a people,
That we would exercise our right to vote,
That we would take advantage of every educational
opportunity,
That we would hold our heads high,
Knowing the struggle…
Identifying with the inner strength,
Displaying the demeanor of royalty,
Embracing and Walking into all of the privileges
of this “Freedom” ...
For it came at a price… this thing called “Freedom”
BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS…

109
What Do We Do Now?

When it seems like all is lost,

When your worst nightmare is reality,
When there are so many unanswered questions….
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
Do we turn our backs on hope?
Nope, these options just won’t work.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
Maybe we pick up an old vice…
Should we find someone to blame
Or run away wouldn’t that be nice…
Should we find someone to blame
Or build a wall to cover our hurt and pain…
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
We must find comfort in the word,
Hold tight to every memory or dream deferred,
Embrace the peace found only in our market,
Take a gut check of our lives to be sure there are
no deal breakers
To hinder our reunion on the other side…

110
 Where our souls can meet again and
harmoniously reside…
Now that we know what we must do… is save our
goodbyes and replace them with our see you later…
For we are striving to live a life where we will
one day meet our creator.

111
My Ancestors

Wisdom pours out of their mouth…

Direction permeates from their soul…

All the struggles have made them stronger…

Their life is a road map to our future…

Out of their seed, we were given our very being…

Their hearts are filled with love for the

generations to come…

Their laughter is music to my ears…

MY ANCESTORS…

Strong they have been…

Courageous they were…

Victorious always…

MY ANCESTORS…

MY ANCESTORS

MY ANCESTORS…

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Speak…

Willing I am
To be used.
Worth is something
I don’t feel.
But righteous you have made me…
So, I must be…
Humble I am
In your presence
As you speak through my lips
Words of wisdom,
Words of powers,
Words of deliverance.
Only as I bend to surrender
To your will,
Attempting to fulfill
Your purpose,
Your plan,
I know that I am but a man…
You, when you stand within me,
There is freedom

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 That escapes my vocal cords
With such fiery…
It cannot be ignored.
So, I explore,
And implore
For more of you…
Deliverer, Friend, King…
Although sometimes I run away,
Still, you stay
And use me…
To speak your words, not only to locals but so
much more.
As I pour out my heart to the nation with determination,
no hesitation,
Because the one who stands and speaks…
IS A NEW CREATION.

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 About The Author

Dr Christie Black-Murrell was born and raised in

Columbus, Ga just 100 miles south of the big city of
Atlanta, Ga. All of her life she has used writing as an
avenue to express her feelings and creative imagination.
She has written over 13 books and journals in a variety of
genres to include but not limited to: Christian Fiction and
Children’s Literature. Poetry has always been at the core
of who she is and this publication is an extension and
collection of some of her earlier poems and recent
experiences.

Dr Murrell is also a devoted wife and enthusiastic mom of

two adventurous little girls. In addition, she has also
worked in a variety of counseling areas for the last 18
years with her most recent experience being in schools.
Dr. Christie loves the written and spoken word which she
uses as an avenue to “Speak Life and Promote Love” to
all she engages. This is shown in her writing, speaking
engagements, spoken word, and counseling. Dr. Christie
believes that writing is a part of her purpose and gives her
all into everything that she writes. Lastly, you can most
often find Dr. Christie spending time with her family,
worshiping God, encouraging children, writing, or
reading a good book.

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