Nowhere Man

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/27013834.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Major Character Death
Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M, Gen
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene
McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Minor Mary Macdonald/Lily Evans
Potter - Relationship
Characters: Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Regulus
Black, Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Lily Evans Potter, Mary
Macdonald (Harry Potter)
Additional Tags: Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Coming of Age, Canonical Child Abuse,
POV Multiple, Childhood Trauma, Slow Burn, almost everyone is gay,
Kind of Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, unreliable narrators, not
everyone is incredibly loveable at first sight, People Are Flawed,
characters listed will all eventually have povs, Original Character(s),
Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Hogwarts Era, Character Death,
BAMF Women, various mental illnesses. everyone’s got something up,
Period Typical Lots Of Things, slow burn meaning like that one soup
that’s been cooking for 47 years, a surprising amount of plot,
Manipulation, Internalized Homophobia, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2020-10-17 Updated: 2024-11-03 Words: 324,415 Chapters:
69/?
 Nowhere Man
by shootingthestarss

Summary

It’s hard to feel like a kid out here. But they can be young today, the real world will find them
tomorrow.

Or, a very long story of young people forced to grow up.

 Prologue
Chapter Notes

Hi! Back in 2020, I wrote the first ten chapters of this story then left it abandoned. It’s
been three years and I accidentally got back into the marauders so I decided that I’m
going to revise this fic and continue it. That being said, bear with the first handful of
chapters just cause they’re old and were originally written when I was 15.

Hope you enjoy!

As a disclaimer, the story themes mature with the characters :)

Words: 2.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 29, 1965

It is a normal, calm night, just like any other. A warm one, at that. Soft streaks of moonlight
shine across the trees to the windows of the Lupin’s, illuminating the small home in a white-
blue glow. Crickets, creaky floorboards and quieted snores perform as white noise as Hope
reenters the living room.

With a soft sigh, her gaze falls to her husband, Lyall. Slightly thinned hair fades to stubble
surrounding a parted mouth, resting peacefully as Hope holds her gaze to him. In a dangling
hand, he clutches a newspaper displaying bold headlines and moving pictures. Even after
years of marriage and exposure to the wizarding world, she could never understand it.
Moving images, she scoffs silently. And Hope’s people have only recently figured out color.

Lyall’s head lolls over his shoulder as he snores, hand loosening its grip. She clicks her
tongue on the roof of her mouth in joking disapproval and collects the newspaper that was in
danger of falling. With curiosity, Hope opens the paper with pursed lips as she moves
towards the kitchen to discard it. The heading is scribed in large black letters simply reading:

“Man Taken Into Questioning For The Murder Of Two Children”

She frowns, glancing back to her husband in sympathy. This paper is days old now. Lyall is
currently furious with The Ministry of Magic since they had let a possible werewolf go free.
Somehow, in some way, the same man is always caught, and he is always sent home. He had
come back angry, shouting about how incompetent they all are, the lot of them. People, and
children especially, are in danger. He wasn’t in the Werewolf Registry, and that only seemed
to grind Lyall’s gears further.

It scares her the way his anger seemed to come from fear, Lyall is never scared of anything.
She folds and places the paper down on the counter beside the fridge, yawning quietly.

There’s a thud. A soft sound, nothing she would usually be concerned about, coming from
her son’s room. Her lovely boy, so sweet and quiet, never makes a sound. He never makes a
sound.

Hope toes her way to the door, hand on the knob, perhaps he just needs something. A glass of
water maybe. The door is locked.

“Wh–”

Her quiet confusion is sliced open with a muffled scream from behind the door. From her
quiet boy, her baby. Oh god, her baby.

“Lyall!” Hope cries, twisting the knob relentlessly as it does nothing but rattle and shake
beneath her tight fists. She rams her shoulder into the old wood and hears it groan but not
budge. Lyall bolts down the hall to stare at her in shock, for one moment, only a moment,
struggling at his son’s bedroom door until another scream pours through. He rips his wand
from his pocket and unlocks the door with ease, not another moment of hesitation in his
body.

Hope bursts through the opening and shrieks, stumbling backwards into the doorframe. A
wolf larger than any she has ever set her eyes upon leans over Remus’s bed, blood leaking
out of his tiny frame and into the blankets she knitted for him. His horrified sobs ring in her
ears and she knows that is a sound she will never forget, embedded beneath her skin and
within her blood. Embedded, just like the blood on his baby blankets. A signal within her to
never let him feel pain like this again.

“Stupefy!”

The wolf flinches back, the spell seems to do very little to it. It growls and snarls like any
rabid dog would, causing Lyall to swing a hand out in front of Hope, holding out his wand
once more. The wolf then, to both of their surprise, leaves through the window in which it
came through.

Hope rushes to her baby’s side, cradling his small weakened body in her arms. Unknown to
her, there is no longer a way to protect her boy, not really. Not truly. The full moon is larger
and more obvious than it has ever been before.

———

NOVEMBER 3, 1968
“...Do you think that one’s–”

“No, that isn’t Sirius,” says Regulus with an accompanying eyeroll.

Sirius glances down with narrow eyes. “What, because you’re so clever?”

His brother decides to smugly shrug at him, the jerk. “Yeah.”

The two of them stand beside each other, staring out of the window and up at the night sky.
It’s actually quite difficult to see any stars, it must be something to do with all the muggles
and their electricity. Sirius always curls his lip in disdain at it. There is no reason they should
live among so many, especially when he could have the view of the sky all to himself. Well,
he supposes he could share it with Regulus. He has a star name, too, it’s only right.

“But it’s bright, isn’t it?” Sirius remarks. “It’s the only one you can actually see, and I’m a
bright star. The brightest.”

“Probably the North Star, actually,” he mutters, a hint of an ego shining through. And what an
interesting trait to have, something a bit too big for someone his size and age.

Actually, once he thinks about it, because his brain always runs at a mile a minute, Sirius is
quite sure it’s his ninth birthday. Huh. Nine years of dinner parties, polished floors, great
posture, and dense air. Well, by dinner parties he means more like everyone staring each
other down for three hours trying to see whose head will explode first. Not much dinner, not
much party. Sometimes, he yearns for a real celebration.

“Reg, I was born today,” Sirius states bluntly, putting it out like he was talking about the
weather.

Regulus turns to him, slight confusion shading his gray eyes. “Congratulations? Don’t call
me Reg, that’s not my name.”

Sirius makes a face at him, muttering, “Yeah, but you like it.”

His brother takes a step back, pouting and shaking his head of tamed curls. It’s cute, he could
reach out and pinch his cheeks if that wouldn't be the most out of line thing he’s ever done.
Eugh, he decides to shake the thought of being like that off his shoulders. “No, it’s weird.”

“No,” Sirius retorts. “It’s a nickname. You’re so clever, but you’ve never heard a nickname?”

Regulus shakes his head again, taking another step away and closer to the door to leave.
“You’re so improper. I’ll tell Walburga you’re being improper if you do it again.”

Words, words, words. Regulus would never, not really. Sirius has shielded him from trouble
and been on the receiving end of punishments for him enough times that he wouldn’t. His
hand twitches either way, like a habit from the spell she always uses.
His brother feels his sudden silence and starts twiddling with his thumbs, another habit, a
guilty one. He doesn’t apologize before he leaves the room, but Sirius already knows. He
always does.

———

JULY, 1969

A harsh breeze blows through her hair as she swings her legs back and up, giggling as she
hits a new height. She glances briefly at her blurred image of a sister Petunia, who’s scowling
on a bench, or maybe that’s just her face. Either way, Lily’s face gets covered by fiery locks
while swinging back so she pretends she didn’t notice it.

“Lily!” Petunia’s unusually shrill voice calls for her. “We have to go home now!” Lily
doesn’t move, other than her pushing herself up higher. “Don’t be a brat, come down from
there.”

She groans, wishing she could stay up just a little longer. “One second, you’re so impatient!”
What Lily decides to do next is stupid more than anything, but she wants to launch herself
from the very top, even though it will hurt her knees and she’ll get a scolding for it. That
brief second of floating is worth it.

She braces herself, pumping her legs hard as she reaches the peak then jumps off with a
squeal. But something is wrong. She doesn’t hit the ground as quickly as she expected to, and
instead sinks down as if she was as light as a feather. Petunia springs to her feet with wide
eyes while Lily pirouettes in the air with a grin stuck to her face. She touches down gently
with one foot, gravity feeling right again.

“What was that?” Petunia storms up to her, glaring down at her. Lily could never take her
seriously when she made that face, a further scowl with furrowed brows.

“Dunno, really,” She looks back at the swing she just jumped from, what did happen? It’s not
the first peculiar thing to happen to her, in fact, they seemed to happen all the time. The
people around her never knew how to explain it with anything more than funny coincidences,
like the time a lightbulb shattered when Lily was in a mood. Or how she never seems to get
hurt from doing reckless things, and it always happens to go her way. She just assumed she
was lucky.

But Lily just floated, and how does someone explain that away?

“God, you’re so weird,” Petunia complains, grabbing Lily’s hand to drag her back home. She
rolls her eyes and lets herself be pulled. Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her, she did
think about floating before it happened. It could have been her imagination, or a strong gust
of wind. Or maybe she’s special, like a fairy from one of her books. She smiles to herself,
being a fairy sounds lovely. Maybe she’ll grow wings one day and realize that’s why her and
Petunia are so different. Poor Petunia’s stuck on the ground.

———

SEPTEMBER, 1969

“Bet you can’t catch this one!” James shouts across the field to his father, the setting sun
warm against his skin as he soars higher. He clutches his broomstick with one hand and holds
a large red quaffle in the other.

“Bet you I can!” Fleamont grins, anticipating a dive, hands steady on his own broom.
Secretly, James hopes he does catch it so he’ll throw it back, and then he won’t remember
how late it’s getting. Hopefully.

With all the might he has at the ripe age of nine, he launches the ball from his hand, watching
it fly not incredibly far, but far enough where his dad has to dive down as he anticipated. He
catches it quite easily—to James’ not-dismay—slightly grunting as it hits his chest and
cradles it. James cheers and claps, slightly stumbling on his broom while doing so. Suppose
he’ll need to get better at that.

And unlucky him, his dad remembered the time anyway, wouldn’t even let him get one final
catch.

The sun sets over the wide ground, painting the sky in faint pinks and purples while the world
is covered in a slight yellow tint. It’s his favorite part of the day, where the sun is most golden
and time seems to slow. Mornings would be his second favorite, waking up knowing a big
breakfast is on its way and a great day after. It might seem silly, but James is sure he’s never
had a bad day, not really. Bad moments, for sure, he’s not averse to a childish tantrum or
mood every once in a while. But never a bad day. And good for him, he knows it's going to
get even better soon.

In two years he’s off to Hogwarts, something he’s dreamed about ever since he heard the
name. He’ll be in Gryffindor of course, it practically flows in his blood, pumping his heart
and mind with every second that passes. He wants a wand of his own, endless food, great
friends, and a position on the Quidditch team. Easy goals, really. Quite simple, and he’s sure
he’ll get them. Priorities set: magic, Gryffindor, food, friends, Quidditch. Of course, he’ll
miss his mum and dad, but he’s not leaving them forever, just a few months until Christmas.

After dinner, James climbs into bed with too much energy in his body, he’s practically
vibrating with it. Once he thinks about going to school, the excitement never leaves until
exhaustion takes over. He needs to get his hands on a wand as soon as possible, his hands feel
like they’re missing something. And magic, oh magic, he could do so much with magic.
Magic in his hands, magic to do whatever he wanted if he put his mind to it.

He’s absolutely certain Hogwarts will be the best time of his life.

———

OCTOBER 31, 1970

The small wooden house he stands before is lined with cobwebs, plastic spiders, as well as
flickering orange string lights that rest atop a small bush. The front porch is made of more old
and creaky wood, groaning under the weight of anyone who stood upon them. The semi-
permanent resident, a slightly lopsided jack-o-lantern, lights up the dark lawn filled with an
arrangement of poorly maintained flowers.

With his perfectly simple halloween costume, the yellow shirt with a black stripe cutting
through in a jagged pattern as well as a pair of black shorts and brown sneakers. It’s his
favorite character, and he thinks it’s because they’re so alike.

“Trick or Treat!” He squeaks, holding out his paper bag in hopes of a chocolate bar. A man
opens the door and bends down to smile.

“Oh, wow! Is that Charlie Brown?” He gasps theatrically as the boy nods, round cheeks
moving up into a grin. “That is just adorable, my grandkids love Peanuts, I always put it on
for them when they come ‘round.” The man reaches into a bucket and pulls out a pink Laffy
Taffy, dropping it into the boy’s bag. His smile fades for a slight second before nodding in
contentment, it will do.

“Thanks! Have a good night, sir!” He beams, waddling down the stairs to his parents. What’s
always fun about Halloween night is that his mum can dress the way she would going to
work and no one bats an eye.

His younger sister sits in a tiny stroller in her pink princess costume, she has an identical
round face to his and blonde hair curled tightly into coils.

“Did you get anything good here, Peter?” his dad asks, words fumbling over the vampire
fangs stuck in his mouth.

Peter shrugs and makes a small smile. “Yep!”

No chocolate, which is alright. He still got candy, so it feels like a win. He’s not going to
pretend he didn’t notice the condition of the old house. Peter’s quite grateful he gave out
anything at all. Besides, strawberry is his favorite flavor anyway.
 ———

Chapter End Notes

This first chapter is really just a prologue before we begin the real story. This is going to
span all seven years of school and likely the war with multiple different relationships
(romantic and platonic) plus other dynamics I want to explore. We start off with just the
Marauders + Lily’s POVs but eventually every character listed in the tags will have their
own perspective. This also doesn’t mean other characters won’t be present! They will be
:)

Also, certain characters having outdated things about them like their houses or ages is
once again cause I planned this in 2020.

Fuck JKR btw.

Anyway, I’ll be updating this every 4 days. Thanks and have fun reading!
 First Year: New Lives
Chapter Summary

It begins!

Chapter Notes

Words: 5.3k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 1, 1971

Run into a wall, they said, it’ll be easy, they said. Maybe this is a joke, a setup from the world
to send her crashing to the floor, hopes and dreams crushed in one swift moment. But it can’t
be a joke, Severus, her best friend now, has shown her magic. She’s been to Diagon Alley and
encountered things she’s read about in fairytales, and they were real. Surely someone
would’ve told her if it was a joke by now.

Two years ago, not long after the incident on the swings, she met Severus, a shy boy with
sleek black hair and knowledge beyond anything she could have ever imagined. He came up
to her like he knew her, and spoke bluntly, just four words.

“You’re not like them.”

She quickly glances at her parents and a very reluctant-to-come-along Petunia and grimaces.
Alright, either she’s embarrassed for the rest of her life, or about to start an entire new one.
She’ll bet on that. Lily gathers up her courage and takes off, her small tawny owl hooting at
the movement. She’s rapidly approaching the bricks, squeezing her eyes shut and bracing for
impact. But there was none. She just keeps going.

She opens her eyes with a gasp and is instantly overwhelmed by colors, smells, clothing,
people, magic, wizards and witches. Like her. Lily lets out a small laugh of excitement and
disbelief, it is real. Oh god, it’s really real. Lily is magical.

Her mother and father appear out from the same wall she had only moments ago and look in
awe just as she does. It must be shocking, learning your entire sense of the world has been
wrong. Then comes Petunia, disgruntled with a scrunched up nose at all the different kinds of
people and smelly animals. She fixes her blonde hair back into a tight bun that came loose
from the run.

“It smells like animal dung in here!” She whines, twisting her face into a disgusted
expression. How she could find the one downside in so much joy around her is baffling.

Lily barely holds back an eye roll, her annoyance with her sister getting too much to bear. It’s
not fair that Petunia isn’t magical like her, they should be, she was born first. It seems like a
lifetime ago when the two sisters could share secrets and build pillow forts, giggling when
their parents caught them up too late playing games. They were girls together, and she misses
the sister she once knew. Now, it’s all nasty looks and insults thrown that sometimes almost
makes Lily not want to be magical.

It started with Severus and those four words, and Petunia avoided her like the plague. She
called her witch like it was poison and freak like second nature. To make matters worse, she
hated Severus more than anything. It was mutual. And he hurt her. The worst part is, deep
down she’s glad it happened. Not because Petunia got hurt, but because she finally left her
and Severus alone. The reality is, Petunia is envious. She sent a letter to the Headmaster,
begging to be let in to learn magic. It was rejected, and Petunia didn’t come out of her room
or speak to Lily for a long time.

Lily peers through the crowd of magical people for Severus, trying to spot long black hair in
the crowd, unfortunately there’s a handful. She sees another boy with black hair but that
definitely isn’t him, he’s dressed much nicer. Lily purses her lips and hums quietly. Perhaps
he’s on the train already. Would he have boarded without her?

Lily turns back to her parents and Petunia, who slouches against the wall, trying to hide
herself. “I have to go, I’ll miss all of you! Tuney, I hope–”

“Don’t hope for anything. The house will feel right again with you finally out of it,” she
sneers.

The words sting into Lily’s chest, slicing through the last strands of any relationship and
sisterhood they had left. Her lips form a thin line to stop her eyes from welling as she firmly
nods, quickly hugging her parents with whispered goodbyes, knowing she’s going to write to
them anyway. While stepping onto the train, Petunia’s sendoff finally hits her eyes as they
water pathetically. Lily finds an empty compartment to let the tears run down her face,
forgetting all about Severus.

———

“Do you have everything? Is Tally here? Are you wearing your lucky socks? Merlin, I’m
going to miss you so much,” Euphemia frantically darts through questions, trying to flatten
James’ hair with little success. Tally, his silver owl, hoots in response to her. James closes his
eyes and smiles, he loves her and all of her protectiveness, because it means she loves him
fiercely.

“Yes, Mum. I even triple checked, just like you asked me to. I’ll be fine, I promise!” He
wraps his arms around her, tucking his head into her chest with a soft smile. “I love you, and
I’ll miss you too.” James pulls away and pushes his square lens up, “And yes, I’m wearing
the lucky socks,” he mutters like it’s a secret. James pulls up the bottom of his brown trousers
to reveal blue socks with a stitched golden snitch on the hem.

Fleamont comes up behind James and musses up his hair further, causing Euphemia to tut at
him. “Jamesie I cannot believe it’s already your first year at Hogwarts. Y’know, only
moments ago you were a tiny tot running around the living room with a fake broomstick.
Look at you now, big tot on a broomstick. Promise me you’ll have fun this year!”

“Of course I will! Okay, I’m gonna be late, I’m gonna miss you both a ton, really I will! Bye,
love you!” James stands on his toes to hug his father who in return gives him a strong pat on
the back. Without another thought, he grabs onto his case and dashes to the already packed
train.

How ready is he, really? What if he does something stupid and gets expelled? No, he will be
in Gryffindor and he will make great memories and do everything he’s been planning for
years. Only, the first plan is already soiled. All the compartments he can see on the train are
full, making James’ heart beat faster. This is where he meets people for the first time, what if
he doesn’t get a spot? What if he doesn’t make any friends at all?

Finally at the tail of the train, there’s an empty compartment. Well, empty-ish. Inside contains
a girl with flaming hair and tear-stained cheeks as well as a boy with hair that could be
mistaken for wet. Godric, this will be awkward. James clears his throat and opens the door,
the girl doesn’t even seem to notice.

“Um...hello. I’m James?” He tries to communicate but fails. “What are your names?” They
both only stare at him. “Alright,” James mumbles. He sits back and scratches the back of his
neck while tapping his foot on the ground. He wasn’t expecting it to be like this.

———

Sirius loves being out in the open, he rarely gets to do this. Although he keeps to himself
because that’s what he was taught, he secretly likes crowded places. Everyone’s in their own
little world, talking to their parents with a lack of respect that makes Walburga’s lip curl.
Hugging and whatnot, sounds suffocating like the house he’s free from, so he’d rather not.
Only, there’s the child in him watching others be warm with their parents’ touch when to him,
Walburga’s hand means to back away. He doesn’t like the child in him.

Regulus isn’t here and he hates that, despite the fact that his brother would despise all of this.
The noise, the rush, the people. He’s gonna miss his snarky remarks and glances across the
table when a relative says something out of line. He gave Regulus a short hand squeeze as a
parting gift last night, Sirius is leaving him there for the whole year after all. He pretended to
hate it, it’s quite obvious when he lies. He kept squeezing the hand into a fist afterwards, as if
trying to mimic the feeling and make it last. Sirius doesn’t know what to think about that, but
he knows it happened, so it matters.

He quickly boards the train, already a bit late to Walburga’s distaste. He walks further to the
back of the train with a worrisome look on his face. What if he doesn’t get a place to sit? That
would be humiliating. The heir of the Noble House of Black sitting on the floor of Hogwarts
Express? Just embarrassing. He would probably get put in Hufflepuff for something so
stupid.

Finally, at the back there’s one empty seat in a booth with three others. He eyes them out,
specs, grease, redhead. Sirius hopes they’re not too rude. He takes a deep breath and slides
open the door like he owns it.

“May I join you?” Sirius asks politely with the full intention of joining in either way. The
three of them stare up at Sirius, Specs nods his head and scoots down. That was easy, wasn’t
it? Sirius closes the door behind him and sits.

“I’m James Potter! What’s your name?” Specs, now James, introduces loudly, like he owns
the booth. Potter, the blood traitors. Perfect.

“Sirius Black,” He says proudly, and he is proud. Both James and the other boy’s eyebrows
shoot up. The compartment goes silent, did he do something wrong?

“Oh.”

Sirius is about to speak when Redhead whispers to Grease, “Tuney hates me. She knows we
saw that letter from Dumbledore.”

“So what? She’s a muggle, of course she wouldn’t get in,” Grease replies carelessly.

Redhead looks terribly offended by his comment, and gapes. “So, she’s my sister!”

Sirius side-glances at the girl, biting his tongue. He’s chosen a room full of blood traitors and
mudbloods, oh his luck.

“And she hates you,” Grease mutters. “But we’re going!” He nudges her slightly while
grinning. “This is it! We’re off to Hogwarts!”

The redhead smiles slightly, but only just. He notices he and James have just been listening
in, so he tries to start a conversation when the Grease unknowingly interrupts him.

“You’d better be in Slytherin.” He nudges her again. She smiles.

This yanks James’s attention, his face screws up in disgust. “Slytherin? Who wants to be in
Slytherin? I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?” He turns to Sirius and grins for a split second,
before dropping it, looking away awkwardly.
Sirius frowns. “My whole family’s been in Slytherin,” he says solemnly, looking at James
with furrowed eyebrows.

“Blimey, all of them? How’s that possible? You can’t all be the same, surely. Maybe you
could be different,” James offers, a weak smile hanging on his features, etched with hope.

Sirius thinks being different would be the worst thing to ever happen to him.

“Maybe I’ll break the tradition,” he says quietly. Just the thought of it makes him feel
nauseous, so he flicks his head up to change his focus. “Where are you heading, if you’ve got
the choice?”

James pretends to pull out a long invisible sword and holds it up fiercely. “Gryffindor, where
dwell the brave at heart!” He speaks in a booming voice, smiling triumphantly. “Just like my
Dad!” Sirius smiles at him, weirdly enough. Grease definitely doesn’t think it’s funny as he
laughs at James’ impression, only it’s one of those mocking laughs, like the kind he’d hear a
cousin direct at him sometimes. James’ confidence doesn’t falter as he turns onto Grease and
glares. “Got a problem with that?”

“No,” he sneers and looks at Redhead as if holding in another horrible laugh. “If you’d rather
be brawny than brainy…“

“Where are you gonna go then, seeing as you’re neither?” Sirius snaps, defending the blood
traitor that’s winning him over. James bursts into laughter trying to contain himself with his
own hand, Sirius grins at the sight.

Redhead finally speaks up again after her long silence. “Come on, Severus, Let’s go to
another compartment.” They stand at the same time, heading for the door.

“Oooooo good luck with that Snivellus, they’re all full!” James teases. He stretches out a leg
and nearly trips ‘Severus’ who scowls and slams the door.

The compartment only contains the two of them now, and they roar with laughter again. Tears
trickle down Sirius’ face in exhilaration, which almost freaks him out, because he shouldn’t
be crying, he’s happy. Ecstatic, even. James is like a great paint splatter on his life. He’s
never seen so much color.

———

A small boy sits in a crowded compartment with a book clutched tightly in his hand. He had
to squeeze in with a second year and some other first years, Remus has never been around
this many kids his age in his life. While eavesdropping, he learned the second year is Frank
Longbottom and one of the first years is Alice Fortescue. The other first years sit quietly
while Frank and Alice make slightly awkward small talk. A scared looking blonde boy who
looks a bit sick sits beside Frank and Alice while Remus and three other first year girls are on
the other. The girls are quiet like him, but for different reasons. The blonde one sits slouched
with her arms crossed, fussy that there’s hardly any moving room. The one with cloud-like
curls looks bored and tired of the train. The last girl also has curls, but they’re longer and
looser, and she’s fiddling with her hands while glancing out the window, so she’s nervous.

Observing people is a subconscious habit of his, but he can’t help it, he spends most of his
time in silence doing it. He likes when it’s silent, it calms him since one night a month he is
forced into anything but.

Remus realizes he hasn’t been looking at his book at all, and is getting rather claustrophobic.
That’s another thing that comes with his condition, he’s forced to a confined space until the
howls turn to cries, so he finds this…uncomfortable to say the least. He swipes his bangs out
of his eyes and stands up, thankfully closest to the door. He gets to the hallway and breathes
out a slow breath of relief. Maybe he could find a compartment with less people in it, it
would probably help.

Three rooms down houses two boys his age whose cackles get muffled by the thick glass.
Remus thinks interrupting them just to sit in silence sounds like a nightmare, but sitting in a
carriage with two is much better than six. He raises his hand to knock on the door when one
boy spots him. His eyes are stone cold gray, and dart around his face with furrowed brows,
then catching the other boy’s attention, who looks at him with much more warmth. Despite
this, Remus really thinks he should go away, find another compartment or resign and spend
the rest of the ride in the bathroom. The first boy judges him, and he can tell. That slight twist
of the lip and squint of the eye at the visible scars on his face. Remus starts to back away
when the second boy with warmer eyes jumps to his feet and opens the door.

“Do you need a seat? We have plenty to spare!” He beams and waves a hand toward the seat
next to the long haired boy, who looks on edge. He doesn’t want him here. Remus realizes he
should probably say something instead of staring like an idiot.

“Um…yeah. If that would be—like, okay with you two,” He stammers, his fingers pulling at
the back of his shirt. It’s a habit. The boy with glasses nods happily, like he’s never worried
about anything before. Remus sits beside him instead of the other. He looks kind, Remus
thinks. Messy hair, crooked lenses, freckles on brown skin, mismatched clothes. The other,
less so. Neatly groomed hair, cold eyes, dark circles on pale skin, expensive clothing. It’s
wrong to judge, but he started it.

“I’m James Potter, and this is Sirius Black, we just met too.” James points at the two of them
in correlation to their names. Sirius smiles stiffly.

“Hm, yeah. You should watch for these two gits we met earlier, Sneverus and the mudblood.”

James’ eyes snap forward and widen, his jaw slack. Remus glances at James, who looks
scandalized and heartbroken. Sirius looks between the two, and says nothing. The silence is
deafening.

“What, you didn’t–Well you didn’t tell me you were a blood purist! Slytherins, should’ve
known,” James looks visibly hurt, his tone dying down to barely above a whisper, and Remus
would feel for him if he could focus on him. Remus is now worried out of his mind, they
allow blood purists into Hogwarts? And what if they find out what he is? Dumbledore would
get the sack and Remus…well Remus doesn’t know what would happen to him, and that
scares him even more. Sirius just looks utterly confused, the idiot. “You know you can’t say
that word, right? It’s horrible!”

“Well…that’s just what we call them, my family, especially my mother. That’s what they are,
aren’t they? She was all rude and with Snivellus anyway, what do you care?” Sirius rambles
with a mere shrug. Remus narrows his eyes and stares out the window at the moving hills and
clouds as the train chugs on. How good could Hogwarts really be? James seems alright, but
Sirius is a jerk. Staring at him like some weird thing to marvel then saying a blood purist
word like it’s nothing.

Remus declares Sirius Black as a right prat.

James shakes his head vehemently and makes a deep frown. “I care because it’s not right. My
parents are good people and taught me the right thing, and I don’t like people who think the
way you and your family do. Like her or not, she’s a witch and I’ll bet you she’s gonna be a
good one at that. Listen, I think you’re cool, Sirius, you’re funny and the first friend I’ve
made here. I like you. So don’t turn out like a purist lowlife or I’ll be very cross with you,”
James scolds, almost with a motherly-like tone to his voice. Sirius sits there, eyes slightly
wider than before letting out a long exhale, nodding only slightly. If you blinked you’d miss
it.

The rest of the train ride is silent and filled with awkward tension, all of them avoiding each
other’s gaze. Remus reopens his book, finally getting to escape the atmosphere he’s stuck in.
This is not turning out how he expected it to. He plans to stay to himself, do his work, and
graduate during his time here. Nothing else seems worth it.

———

Lily sulked over the two boys that were rude to Severus for the entire train ride, and she
prayed she wouldn’t be in Gryffindor and stuck with Potter. She planned on Slytherin with
Severus, but Sirius had a high chance of being in Slytherin, so maybe Ravenclaw would be
the best option for her. Yes, she is this petty.

The train arrives and comes to a stop at the largest castle she’s ever seen, all stone with
towers and pillars jutting into the sky surrounded by a wide lake and lush forest. She had no
idea Hogwarts looked like this, and it completely takes her breath away. She isn’t the only
one, the other first years she sits with other than Severus are ‘ooing’ and ‘awing’ at the large
expanse of castle.

Lily hops out of the train hearing a loud grunt-like voice calling, “Firs’ years this way! Firs’
years follow me, please!” She easily catches sight of the man and her eyes widen. He’s huge,
is the only thought passing through her head. Like, unnaturally tall. Is he human? His beady
black eyes twinkle in delight at the sight of new students gathering around him. Lily carefully
wades her way through the large crowd of people to stand next to Severus and the rest of the
first years dressed in long identical robes.

They split up into groups to sit in slightly damp wooden boats that cross the river with some
kind of golden magic. Lily is with three others including Severus. She learns their names,
Dorcas and Mary. The two girls are kind to her, but eye Severus and keep their distance in the
tiny boat. She hardly notices, though, she’s too busy looking out at the crystal clear water that
reflects the moon and magic in a gorgeous white and gold shimmer. It’s not full yet, but
nearly, and it’s beautiful. The boats slowly approach the castle, even bigger so close like this,
it could be from a fairytale. Lily sighs in delight and rests her chin on her arms while leaning
forward on the boat. This is unreal to her, and if this is a long dream, she doesn’t want to
wake up from it. She wants to stay here forever, and she’s not even inside yet. To know that
not only is it real, but she’s also magical herself, it’s an overwhelming feeling she hasn’t fully
processed yet.

She carefully steps out of the boat after it arrives on the shore, stumbling a little on the stone
floor. The majority of the first years nervously glance at one another while fidgeting with
their hands or clothes.

“We’re gonna get sorted now,” Severus whispers. At that sentence, Lily’s sure her insides just
turned inside out. An unfamiliar woman stands before them. She’s nearing middle aged,
dressed in dark green robes, her hair a tight brown bun at the back of her head where a
pointed hat is placed upon. The hat makes Lily’s lip quirk up, so witches do wear those. The
woman’s face is tight but welcoming looking, and yet it only makes Lily glance around and
shift in her place once more.

“Welcome to Hogwarts! I am Professor McGonagall. Before you take your seats you will be
sorted into your houses. When I call your names, you will come to the front to be sorted
accordingly. They are Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin.” Professor
McGonagall announces with a calm smile on her face.

Lily’s insides do another flip. She has to be sorted in front of everyone? What if she isn’t
qualified for Hogwarts anymore? She’s not like everyone else here, most of them have
magical families, but she doesn’t. That’s probably the worst part of all this. She isn’t like her
family, but she doesn’t think she’s much like everyone here either. This is an entirely
different world, one that she isn’t sure how she will fit into. Maybe they made a mistake and
whoever sorts her will tell her she doesn’t belong here after all. Lily looks over at Severus,
who seems scarily calm for what’s about to happen.

McGonagall pushes the grand doors open and walks down the aisle, the sixty-or-so students
follow close behind, finally spreading out in front of the staff table. The tall ceiling stretches
out into a cloudy sky and hundreds of floating candles, but Lily doesn’t understand. When
she was outside, the building clearly had a roof. How can it have a sky inside? But never
mind that, Lily feels eyes on her back and it makes her tremble.

Ahead, a very old man with a long white beard and half moon glasses places a dusty old hat
with a ripped brim on a wooden stool in front of them. She almost begins to wonder what this
could possibly mean when the hat starts to move, and even...sing? Lily stares with her jaw
dropped as it actually talks, like a human being. Is this just a regular occurrence in this
world? After it finishes with its song, the school applauds for it, as if the thing is sentient.
Lily backtracks on that thought, maybe it is. Perhaps she shouldn’t question anything from
here on. McGonagall stands behind the stool with a large scroll in one hand and the top of the
hat in the other.

“Avery, Edmund!” She announces, scanning the crowd of children when one steps up. A
smug boy with short dark brown hair struts to the front and sits down on the stool like a
throne. The hat takes three seconds before shouting out.

“Slytherin!”

The Slytherin table whoops and cheers as little Avery makes his way to the far left side of the
Great Hall. The cheers quiet down after he takes a seat.

McGonagall tilts the scroll and reads, “Black, Sirius!”

Lily rolls her eyes, that’s the kid who made fun of Severus earlier. The Slytherin table are
already smiling and whispering to each other, ready to gain the second member of the night.

———

Sirius’s hands are visibly shaking, pulling at his robes as he slowly walks up to the hat. His
mind races faster than ever and he might throw up. Oh, he might. In one train ride, he doesn’t
know who he wants to be anymore. When he really thinks about it, his entire family is
Slytherin, and they’re all miserable. Sirius is miserable. A few hours in a train with one boy
has left him reeling, and he realizes he never felt so happy before his tongue slipped and he
said what was apparently the wrong thing. He regrets it. Sirius wants to feel that rush of joy
again, the tears in his eyes from laughter. Sirius wants James in his life, and he won’t get that
in Slytherin.

But he’s terrified. Hardly anything like a Gryffindor, the daring and valiant. A real Gryffindor
would jump at the chance to defy their family, but Sirius just wants to run out and hide. He
feels ashamed at the idea of being anything other than Slytherin. He’s a Black, this is who he
is.

He turns around and looks out at the four tables, the Slytherins look so smug. His own
relatives are over there and have made a spot for him at the table. They have no idea what’s
going through his head, and that’s worse. If he doesn’t get Slytherin, it will feel like a
betrayal. He finally sits and the hat is placed over his head, the brim big enough to slide far
down his forehead. There is no immediate reaction or loud shouting of Slytherin. His heart
pumps in his ears as he wills himself to not throw up in front of everyone. A long silence
takes place before the hat finally speaks, but it’s to Sirius only.

“Now, what will I do with you?” The hat says softly. “You’re very cunning, very ambitious
indeed. You’d make a fine Slytherin, following in your family’s footsteps.” Sirius takes a
deep shuddering breath and braces himself for the shout that would put him where he was
always meant to go. Sirius glances at James, who eyes him hopefully. It’s such a specific
look, it’s not hope for James’s sake. It’s hope for Sirius’s. He believes in him to be better.
And that’s all Sirius needs.

“Put me in Gryffindor. I don’t want Slytherin.” Sirius whispers, keeping his eyes fixated on
James, hoping the hat hears. The old hat makes a deep humming sound in thought.

“Wish to defy your family, do you? Very brave of you, Sirius Black. Very brave indeed. With
guts like that, I’d say you would be just fine in Gryffindor. If you’re sure,” The hat speaks
quietly before raising its voice to shout out the name that will change Sirius’s life forever.

“Gryffindor!”

The Great Hall stands completely still for a moment, the Slytherins glancing at each other
warily and in confusion. James looks happier than he did when they were playing on the
train, a wide grin spreading across his whole face while his eyes shimmer. Sirius doesn’t
regret his decision, just for that smile. A kid at the Gryffindor table stands up and starts
clapping, nudging his friends to join in. Soon, the whole Gryffindor house is cheering as
Sirius hops off the stool to join them with a shy and nervous grin. He sits down next to the
boy who clapped for him first.

He’s rather lanky despite looking around the same age as him. His dark hair is combed to the
side, only a few strands falling forward in front of his brown eyes. He turns to Sirius and
offers out his hand. “Hello Sirius! I’m Frank Longbottom, pleased to meet you!” Sirius
smiles and grabs the end of his hand, giving it a quick shake in a formal manner.

A couple people later and the mudb–Redhead sits down on the stool. Her name is Lily Evans,
according to McGonagall. By the look on her face, she seems to be having an argument with
the hat, which Sirius finds incredibly amusing. By the time she slumps down in surrender, the
brim opens up to roar.

“Gryffindor!”

The celebrations for every sorting continues as she looks in the crowd to her greasy friend
apologetically, making her way to the table. When she sees Sirius clapping she scrunches up
her nose and sits far away from him, so he stops and slouches over onto the table while
pouting. Did he really give that bad a first impression? She didn’t even see him call her the
one word he’s going to try not to use thanks to James. He realizes quickly that the boy just
completely turned his life around, which should scare him. It does, and doesn’t.

The sortings continue, and after Alice Fortescue, Gryffindor doesn’t get one for a while.
Sirius spaces out for about ten minutes before the Gryffindors whoop and cheer for three in a
row. Remus Lupin, Mary Macdonald, and Dorcas Meadows. The two girls look delighted to
be put together and sit next to Evans. Remus, he discovers, is the quiet boy who came in their
compartment. He has no opinion on him other than curiosity on how he got the scars, because
he doesn’t talk. Or, he does when he has to. Either way, Sirius kind of hopes he sits with him,
Frank is nice, but he feels out of place here. Remus looks up and down the table, spots Sirius,
 and immediately goes to the other side with the girls. In fact, all of the new Gryffindors go to
sit on the other side, far away from Sirius.

Sirius looks down shamefully. If anything is going to make him feel regret, it’s this. As his
head processes this thought, James is called up. Sirius’s head shoots up in anticipation, giving
James–who’s already looking at him– a smile. James makes a smug thumbs up and sits. The
hat barely grazes his head at all when it gets announced.

“Gryffindor!”

James jumps up and dashes to the Gryffindor table that’s clapping and shouting, high-fiving
everyone as he runs by. He quickly sat down next to Sirius, practically exploding in his own
seat. He grabs ahold of Sirius’s shoulders, which makes him stiffen, but James doesn’t notice.

“Godric, I was really trying to keep it to myself for about thirty minutes but I was right about
to explode where I stood because of you!” James grins while shouting a sentence that doesn’t
feel like a smile should be attached to it.

“Because of me?”

“Yes, because of you! You got Gryffindor, and–and listen I just knew it as soon as that ratty
old thing hesitated, I just knew. ”

Sirius smiles shyly, about to tell James it was all because of him, but doesn’t. He shakes his
head and stares at the starry ceiling, hardly believing his luck. His family feels far behind him
now that James Potter is by his side, and he plans to keep him there.

The last Gryffindor to be sorted before the feast is Peter Pettigrew, who also sits with Evans.
Now, Sirius doesn’t want to make any enemies on his first day seeing as he currently only has
James; however, he is more than glad to say he does not like Lily Evans one bit.

———

Chapter End Notes

This is a second introduction but in “present day”. We’re building up friendships and
enemies here people. If you’re annoyed at all with how Sirius is gonna be portrayed for
a bit, keep in mind he has literally never had another perspective to look to other than
his family’s. It’s just what he grew up with.

Remus being super observant is also because of how he grew up, he has to watch out for
how people act around him. But most of the time he uses it to be nosy.

Hope you enjoyed! Leave any comments if you have them :)

 First Year: Awkward Beginnings
Chapter Summary

Friendship at first sight, of course…

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.3k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 1, 1971

Remus just had to endure a long boring drawn-out speech that he doesn’t really care about.
He heard enough of these when the old man was practically begging him to come to
Hogwarts. Not that he’s ungrateful for his persistence or anything, Remus has never been
more grateful for anything in his entire life. He only wanted to refuse at first because he
didn’t think he physically could. He still isn’t sure, he’ll have to find out this week.

He remembers the day his letter came. It was right after a particularly bad moon, so he was
weak, defeated, and had his mother dressing his cuts. Hope and Lyall had lost hope of him
going to school many years ago, but Remus always had a small flicker in him, even if it
seemed impossible. But, during the summer Dumbledore came to their house and handed the
invitation directly to Remus’s trembling hands.

“You couldn’t possibly mean—?” Lyall stumbled and gripped his armchair in utter shock.
“But surely you understand his condition-“

“I am very well aware of Mr. Lupin’s condition; however, arrangements will be made.”
Dumbledore smiled calmly. Remus had never seen Dumbledore in person, he had such a
serene and peaceful look to him that he didn’t look real.

He didn’t open the letter. He simply stared, too afraid he would wake up. His eyes diverted to
the side and he took a deep breath, looking back up at Dumbledore, forcing his weak voice
from his body. “Sir—Professor...I’m too dangerous. I don’t think you really understand. I-I
have to decline your offer.” He held the letter back out for the old man to take, but he simply
shook his head and held his hand up.
“Oh, no need. We have a special house where you will be going for your transformations
every full moon. This house will be protected by a Whomping Willow that will be planted if
you shall go. I can assure you that no one will be able to be near you on the night of the full
moon. It would be an honor to have you at my school, Remus Lupin.”

A house, protection, a real education, it seemed too good to be real. Of course there were still
risks, but he could be someone. He didn’t just have to be the thing he hates more than
anything else, he could have a life. Remus looked to his parents for affirmation, they were a
bit conflicted, to say the least. What would happen if someone found out what he was? Hope
and Lyall made conversations with their eyes and expressions without saying a word. Remus
always wondered how they did it. Hope looked back at Remus with a soft look on her face
and simply nodded with a small smile. And thus he began his new life.

Dumbledore sends everyone up to their dormitories, asking the Prefects to lead all the other
first years to their appropriate areas. Marietta Grace, a Gryffindor Prefect, leads Remus and
the rest of the first years up the stairs, explaining the whole password fiasco with the Fat
Lady. Personally Remus sees this as an offensive name. He wonders if she’d like a real one.

Being sorted into Gryffindor was a shock for him, he expected Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.
Because Remus isn’t brave or strong, despite how many times he’s been told that by his
pitying parents. Turning into a monster is the furthest thing from bravery no matter how you
spin it. He’s scared to accidentally hurt his mum and dad, scared to hurt himself despite its
inevitability. And this just leaves him in a further state of panic, because it means he could
hurt himself so badly that it could be over for him, and he’d have no control of that.

Remus is not brave. He never has been, and never will be.

Soon, another Prefect, Isaac Fern, gathers all the male first years to the boys dorm. The
rooms are already assigned for them, and just his luck, the two from the train. It takes a lot to
hold back glaring at Black. How long do these assignments last?

He looks over at the other two, James and Peter, who are quick to unpack their things and
stuff them into chests. James is kind, stands up for the things he believes in, and he’s cocky.
Remus is sure he’s never met someone more Gryffindor-like in his life. He’s practically
oozing with pride every step he takes.

Peter, on the other hand, feels like Remus in a respect. When watching him on the train in
that crowded booth, Peter had been timid in a jittery way, like if Remus had tried to speak to
him, he’d jump and scurry away. He looks more relaxed now, but the stiffness in his
shoulders throws it off. He’s tense.

Overall, his dorm arrangements give him very mixed feelings. Comfortable is not one of
them.

Black glances at him, a look he doesn’t get long enough to dissect properly. The boy bends
down, undoes his laces, pulls each shoe off, tucks the laces into his shoes, and places them
next to his claimed bed. But he sits on the bed as if he doesn’t know whether he’s allowed to
or not, both catch Remus’s attention. For being such a prat, he’s certainly a very proper one.
“Well, I think we should introduce ourselves!” James exclaims, cutting into the silence while
purposely messing up his blankets.

Peter looks up over his trunk and smiles. “Okay, how about…just like our name and
something we like! I’m Peter Pettigrew and I like...animals? Not bugs though, can’t do
bugs.”

James hops down on top of his bed, shoes and all, getting a look from Sirius. “Oh, I love
animals, clearly,” he says, pointing to a gray owl that’s been silent in her cage. “Anyway, I’m
James Potter and I like quidditch. Like a ton. You lot should see me on a broom, I’ve been
flying since I could walk. I’m trying out for Quidditch this year, even if they have some
stupid rule about it.”

He’s so over his head, Remus thinks, but he nods quietly, waiting for Black to speak up.
Luckily, Black does just that. He clears his throat quickly. “My name is Sirius Black. I like…
uh…I like James,” he remarks with a glance at James and a hopeful grin.

James only furrows his eyebrows and crosses his arms. “Well, thanks. But surely you like
something! Favorite color?” Sirius seems to seriously contemplate this, eyes darting up to the
curtains on their four-poster beds.

“Red.”

“You’re only saying that cause you looked at the drapes!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

Remus drops his temple into his hand, sighing deeply. He hopes this isn’t what friendship is
like, he doesn’t have experience with it, but this is just a headache. Maybe he should rethink
friendships. The pounding feeling in his right eye makes him rub at his forehead, but he
knows it’s not really from the argument going on. There’s a full moon in four days.

Eventually, James gives in after multiple minutes of ‘did not’ ‘did too’ and sits back down on
his bed.

“Fine. Fine! Whatever, you’ll find something eventually. What about you?” James turns his
head to Remus. The other two copy him, and Remus suddenly feels extremely cornered.

“Remus Lupin,” he mumbles, knowing he already sounds ridiculous. “I like er—dunno.

Chocolate?” He speaks in a much quieter tone than he wanted to which bugs him. He’s also
fidgeting with his hands again, so he puts them behind his back to hide them. They’re all
staring at him.

Peter smiles. “Ooh, love chocolate. You think they have anything sweet here?”

“Must do, that dinner was out of this world,” James says.
Remus quietly turns away while James and Peter continue their small talk to pull out his
Transfiguration textbook he’ll have to read over the next few days. He’s missing the first
class, and falling behind sounds like a terrible idea.

He tries not to focus on it now, but with a bunch of nosy kids running around, how is he
supposed to sneak out of the castle with none of them noticing? Especially the nosiest one of
all, the one who is still looking at him, he can feel it. Remus tries his very best to not look up,
skimming his eyes over the first chapter of the book. After a while, the feeling of being
watched is gone, and Remus realizes he didn’t read a single word of the textbook five pages
in. Sighing, he places the book back on the bedside table and lays on his side. He closes his
curtains and hopes for an easy night of rest.

———

Everyone in the room has fallen into silence, getting ready for the first night of the rest of
their lives. Peter lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, on edge, but he’s usually on edge. Him
being in Gryffindor makes no sense, but he doesn’t want to question the hat, it must know
what it's doing. Only…he’s never been called brave, not once. He’s quite the coward,
actually. When scared he gives up or he runs away, it’s something ingrained in him, he can’t
help it. Perhaps the hat made a mistake.

Now, breaking down the rest of the night, his roommates are nothing alike. None of them
seem to mix well except for James and Sirius, who bicker like they’ve known each other for
years. He hadn’t seen either one of them on the train, and he wishes he did. He’d probably
have a better connection with them then.

Sirius is an oddity to Peter, finding his demeanor hard to pick apart. His mother always talked
ill of the Blacks and their whole family tree, every one of them she’s come into contact with
were horrible. They have an air of superiority that no one, not even the Ministry could live up
to. And somehow, every member of that family has been in Slytherin since they started
attending Hogwarts.

So how is Sirius any different? Peter glances over his shoulder at the boy who hasn’t moved
since he first sat on his bed. He has no self-awareness whatsoever but his mannerisms are
drawn back and unsure. Peter turns away, not wanting or caring enough to think about Sirius
any longer.

Besides the strange roommates, Peter’s quite happy with his situation here. Class starts
tomorrow, and he’s ready to learn everything he can for the next seven years. The room falls
into darkness from one of them putting out the lantern, which lets the exhaustion from the
long day fully hit him. Peter snuggles under the layers of blankets on his four-poster bed and
drifts off into a deep sleep.
 ———

SEPTEMBER 2, 1971

“Rise and shine!” James announces and rips open the curtains to the windows, letting the
morning sunshine flood the room. Is he really the first one up? Two beds down, Peter groans
and shifts his drapes to keep from blinding himself. “Godric, you lot are a bunch of night
owls. Maybe I’ll hand you a letter and you’ll go deliver it for me…” He mutters to himself
while pacing around, doing the buttons on his dress shirt and tugging his tie over his head.

The second person out of bed is Remus, who doesn’t look like he’s gotten up because of
James, but of his own accord. His hair is a mess atop his head, sticking out at random with
more defined curls falling over heavily lidded eyes. He snatches his uniform out from his
chest and heads into the bathroom to change. James looks after him but doesn’t question it.

He is completely dressed and about to pull his new black leather shoes on when he notices
Sirius and Peter haven’t even got out of bed yet. Well, it’s a bit rude of him to do this, but he
doesn’t want them to be late on their first day.

He rolls his eyes, making his way to each bed, yanking the curtains back to let more light in.
Peter squeaks and shoves his head under the covers. Sirius flinches and his eyes shoot open,
backing up a fraction in his bed before letting out a sigh of relief.

“Oh Merlin, thought you were uh—never mind. Sorry, James,” Sirius exclaims, laughing. It’s
stiff and comes out of his chest like rocks, clunking into each other uncomfortably. James
furrows his eyebrows and frowns at Sirius.

Who did he think he was for a reaction like that? Must be someone he doesn’t like to act like
James was about to push him out of the bed. The last thing he wants to do is upset Sirius, he
just found him after all. He’ll be gentler next time.

Remus comes out of the bathroom in his uniform and in one swift movement, grabs his bag
which was already packed and ready to go, and leaves. James stares after him even though
he’s far out of his line of sight, biting his tongue. Things are going to be a problem like this.

“He isn’t sitting with us,” Peter mutters, aggressively stabbing his eggs while looking across
the other end of the table at Remus, who sits alone. James sighs and shakes his head. It isn’t a
big deal to him, he would just have to live with someone who preferred to not be with him.
He can handle that. People not liking him.

“Doesn’t bother me,” Sirius replies, chewing on a crispy sliver of bacon. “He doesn’t like us,
and I’m indifferent to him. Rather not deal with it—“
A flock of owls interrupt them eating, flying through the high ceilinged windows carrying
various packages and letters — one being a dark gray owl that comes straight towards them.
Sirius falls silent, sitting up straight and swallowing heavily. The owl drops the letter on the
table and he quickly grabs at it, eyeing James and Peter while putting it in his pocket.

“Who’s that from?” He asks, peeking over the table in hopes of catching a name. He’s a bit
nosy, he can’t help that.

“No one important,” Sirius mutters seemingly more to himself than James. His eyes divert
from the table as he picks up his drink to hide his face in it.

———

Lily stares down at the white feather that gently rests atop the table in front of her. The tiny
Professor Flitwick balances on multiple large books to reach over the top of his desk at the
front of the room. She wonders why he wouldn’t just make the desk legs shorter, he is a
wizard after all. The thought makes her silently chuckle to herself. Alice looks over to her
and squints her eyes, wanting to be let in on the joke.

She leans over to the right to whisper, “Why doesn’t he just make the desk shorter,” in her
ear. Alice side-glances to Flitwick and presses her lips together to hold back a giggle. She’s a
sweet girl with a short crop of brown hair and softer features like her, and they got on very
well during the first day. By the end of the sorting they were already friends, then they got
assigned a dorm together.

The two other girls with them are Dorcas and Mary, who she met on the boat and are
absolutely lovely. Mary is from all regular people like her and they were able to talk about
their favorite music and films, which was a huge comfort. Lily was worried she was the only
one with a non-magical family. Dorcas has a wizard mother and had a regular father, so she
was from both worlds, which was even more intriguing. The four girls spent the whole night
talking and getting to know each other, and now it’s made Lily feel a bit weary.

“Now, do the swish and flick movement and repeat after me. Wingardium Leviosa!” Flitwick
slowly waves his wand in a practiced manner through the air, signaling the class to repeat.

“Wingardium Leviosa!” The twenty-or-so kids repeat monotonously. Lily mutters the spell
and does the wand movements again, this time pointing at the feather. It slightly lifts off the
table, getting a couple inches of height, then floats back down again. Lily doesn’t even care
that her feather wasn’t the highest, she just made something float with a wooden stick and
two words.

By the end of class, the only person to really get their feather floating is a Ravenclaw named
McKinnon. She looks incredibly smug, and it’s safe to say Lily is jealous. She had hoped she
would’ve been able to at least get her feather higher than three inches off the table by the end.
“Last one there is a rotten egg!” A squeaky voice coming from behind her says.

“I don’t even know what that means!” Comes a much louder and more obnoxious voice that
was quickly coming closer.

Suddenly she’s being slightly pushed aside by not one, not two, but three boys. Potter, Black,
and a new friend, shorter and sporting a messy blonde haircut. Lily glares at them as they run
down the hall and shakes her head in complete annoyance.

New footsteps approach her and she braces for another bump, but it never comes. Lily looks
to her left and comes eye to eye with the boy who sat near her at the sorting. Remus, she
believes. He shifts slightly to the side to not walk into her while grimacing. “Sorry about
them,” He mutters. “They’re—“

“Obnoxious? Annoying? Driving me mad? I dunno why you’re apologizing for them.” Lily
shakes her head and keeps a steady pace next to Remus. They haven’t spoken before, but she
already likes him much better than the other three. He seems much more...competent.
Adjusted. Sane.

“Well, they’re my roommates, I think I should.”

Lily smiles softly. “That’s nice of you, but it’s alright, I can handle myself. I’m Lily.”

“I know,” Remus says quickly, then scrunches his eyebrows. “Uh—I’m Remus.”

“I know,” Lily grins. “Where you headed then, Remus?”

He stops walking and reluctantly points back to where the other three ran off. “History of
Magic then Flying. I’m dreading both.”

Lily is actually quite excited for flying. It’s flying. She asked Alice and Dorcas what that
meant, and it’s with a broomstick, which is just bizarre, but incredibly intriguing. So she
fakes a pout and shrugs. “Sounds awful, good luck!”

“Thanks,” he mumbles with a small quirk to his lips, which is probably the first time Lily’s
seen him smile since they got here. She gives one in return then walks off to her next class.

Lily checks her timetable once and comes to realize her and Remus have the same schedule.
That is just embarrassing. She’ll catch up with him in a minute, she supposes. Lily looks back
up to spot Severus and a couple of other Slytherin boys talking together.

She beams and runs up to him, tapping his shoulder. “Hey, Severus! I haven’t seen you at all
today, got a second to talk?”

One of the Slytherins Lily remembered from the sorting, Bruce Mulciber, looks at her and
snickers, nudging the other Slytherin, Edmund Avery. Severus pivots around and smiles for a
moment, before turning back to the Slytherins. He mutters something incoherent to them,
causing them to roll their eyes while sneering and walk off.
“Hello, Lily, yeah I can talk for a minute before class. Hogwarts has been alright. Don’t
worry about them two, I was just telling them to leave us.” Severus looks down at her while
the corners of his mouth twitch. “Who were you just walking with?”

Lily furrows her eyebrows and frowns, shrugging her shoulders. “Remus, we’ve never
spoken before, he’s a nice boy in my house. Less insufferable than the other three as well.”

“The other three? Potter, Black, and the other one?”

“Yep, whole band of misfits they’ll be, I’m telling you! Anyway, I’ve been great. I love it
here,” she beams.

Severus nods. “I knew you would, less suffocating than muggle life, yeah?”

“Dunno about suffocating, and muggle is such a silly word. But I feel more like me here, if
that’s what you mean. It’s been lovely,” Lily says, pacing around a few steps as she starts to
walk away. “I’ve got to be in History of Magic in a couple minutes, so I’ll see you later!”

———

After a terribly dreadful period of History of Magic, as Sirius described it, they were on to
Flying class. James was ecstatic, out of his mind, even. The other two just watch him as he
rambles with every step they take, both unsure if telling him to shut up is an option.

“—this one time I caught the Quaffle after diving ten whole meters! And this other time I
made my dad almost fall off his broom with a throw, which was actually quite scary, but
that’s okay he was fine in the end. Really, I’m a natural at flying, you’ll see,” James boasts,
playfully nudging Peter with his elbow.

“Merlin, Potter, were you serious about trying out as a first year?” Sirius snorts. He looks
over at James when he doesn't laugh and is instead nodding enthusiastically. “No—no way!
Are you really?” A smile began to grow on James’ face, a smug smile. “You absolute dunce!
You’re not making it.”

James smirks, holding his arms out wide while stepping onto the field. “What can I say? You
have to watch me, they’ll be so impressed. Oh come on, we have Flying with the Slytherins?
”

The sun is blindingly bright and there’s not a single cloud in the sky, as James thinks, the best
weather for Quidditch. The field is bright green and littered with about ten students waiting
for the last few to arrive. James makes his way to one of the brooms and stands beside it.
Sirius stands on his left and Peter on his right.

Madam Hooch looks out for the last couple of missing students when Remus and Lily walk
onto the field together. Sirius rolls his eyes and looks cross all of a sudden, and James isn’t
sure why. It’s clear Remus doesn’t want to be their friend, and that’s alright.
“So sorry for being late Madam Hooch, we got a bit lost you see! First day and all,” Lily
frowns slightly, looking down at the brooms.

“No worries! We will only have to speed up a little bit, but you all seem very well capable of
doing so,” Madam Hooch smiles with her hands placed on her hips.

“Thank Godric…” He mutters under his breath, Peter snickers.

Madam Hooch claps her hands together, shouting, “Now! I want all of you to stand beside
your broom, hold out your hand, and say ‘up’!” The broom beside her flies into her
outstretched palm with no effort done at all.

A chorus of ‘up’ starts to sound through the class and James thinks it looks a bit silly. James
chuckles, holding out his arm and watches as the broom comes to him without a word
spoken. He can thank his dad for that. He looks up, and a few moments later, Alice Fortescue
and a couple Slytherins have their brooms in their hands.

“Up!” Sirius shouts at the broom rudely. It doesn’t even budge. He groans and yells again,
“Up!” It twitches slightly, making Sirius’ eyebrows shoot up. “Up!” he says again,
only...nicer? The broom flies up into his hand and James cheers him on. Lily gets it after him,
then a couple of Gryffindor girls, then Remus, then Peter, and lastly some Slytherins he could
not be bothered to care about.

“Perfect!” Madam Hooch claps once more, gaining all the children’s attention. “Now, I want
you to mount your brooms and kick off the ground when I tell you.” James is extremely
giddy, practically jumping on his broom with an excitement that vibrates through his whole
body. “Alright, is everyone — Mulciber switch your hands or you’ll have a broken limb by
the end of this! Now, on the count of three. One. Two. Three!”

James purposely kicks off hard to launch himself up and ends up about twenty feet higher
than everyone else. It’s only been a few days, but oh, he missed this. He’s sure to make the
team this year, he’d be the youngest Quidditch player in nearly a century! The proud look on
his parent’s faces when he shows them awards for being so bloody good . He looks up at the
sky, feeling the wind blowing in his hair, not noticing Madam Hooch yelling for him to come
down until he looks — everyone is staring at him. Not that he really minds.

“Mister Potter, I will ask you again for you to get down here at once! I did not tell you to go
anywhere yet!” Madam Hooch yells with a stern look on her face, her lips in a thin line with
crossed arms. James’ eyes widen and he lowers himself onto the ground in front of where
she stood. “That was four times I had to tell you, Potter! You’ve earned yourself a detention
on Sunday.”

Detention? James gapes. It’s his first day, how could he have detention? “But—“

“No buts! Rarely do I ever have to give detentions on the first day, but disobeying my orders
four times? Unacceptable!”

He bows his head, looking down at his shoes. James nods slowly, face going hot. Detention
for being good at what she’s teaching is ridiculous, how can she blame him for being
 enthusiastic about something she dedicates her life to? James doesn’t understand, but fine.
He’ll go to detention.

———

Chapter End Notes

Just a lot of people judging each other for an entire chapter, but do not fret it does not
stay like this for long!

Leave any comments if you have them!

 First Year: Lost Wolf
Chapter Summary

Remus has gone missing and James is bad at detention.

Chapter Notes

Words: 3.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 5, 1971

“How am I meant to get out of detention tonight?” James whines, clinging to Peter’s
shoulders — he is promptly pushed off with a shrug. James groans for what seems to be the
tenth time in their conversation. “We haven’t even gone to McGonagall’s class yet and I
already have to attend detention with her? It’s ridiculous!”

Peter lets out a loud sigh and pushes the door to their dormitory open. He throws his bag
down and flops onto his bed. He likes James, he really does. But Godric, does he talk a lot.

“I doubt you’ll be getting out of it, I’ve heard McGonagall is strict,” he says. James grumbles
and whines, pacing and pulling his hands through his hair.

“Nooo! This is so stupid! If I’d known I was gonna get in trouble for being good I would
have just pretended to be worse. Hogwarts is stupid, this is stupid.”

“Okay, relax,” Peter shakes his head, not believing the words coming from this kid’s face.
“It’s one ruddy detention, not the end of the world. And besides, you got their attention, isn’t
that what you wanted?”

“I—“ James stutters. “Well? I suppose. You think they’ll let me fly after this?”

Peter shrugs. “Probably, it’s your first day. Might not get on the team, but next year is always
possible.”

James groans. Again. “Oh, but I don’t wanna wait until next year, that’s so far away!”

Peter is quite sure James has never been told no in his life.
Sirius swings the door open, yawning loudly with his arms stretched out.

“All right, you lot I am…where’s Lupin? Thought he’d be here,” Sirius scrunches up his nose
and sits on the edge of his bed, quickly and intentionally fixing his posture. Sirius is right,
actually. Remus wasn’t at dinner and now isn’t in the dorm.

He’s a bit strange, always spending time with Lily Evans or just not being present
whatsoever. He didn’t even give them a chance, just ran off to hang out with her instead. But
he always comes back at the end of the day after classes, so this is out of the ordinary.

Peter hums. “Did any of you check the common room for him? I wasn’t paying attention, I
had an earworm.” James gives him a dramatic face full of offense and scoffs.

”Yeah, not there,” Sirius says. He looks very reluctant to say, “Maybe we ask Evans. When
she’s not with her girl friends it’s either Snivellus or Lupin.”

James frowns. “I’d love to help, really but uh—Godric, what time is it? I’ve got to go at
seven-thirty.” He peers over at the clock that displays seven-twenty and springs out of bed,
grabbing his books, and aggressively throwing his robes on. “Oh, late late late, see you lot
later, I’ll tell you how it goes! Good luck on finding Remus, I also have no clue how to get to
detention. Bye!” The door slams shut, leaving Sirius and Peter alone in the room.

There is a silence for a long moment before Sirius takes a deep breath. “Are we really about
to go looking for someone who doesn’t like us?”

“Dunno, he stays away from us during the day, doesn’t sit near us, doesn’t talk to us,
nothing...He’s a real bummer. I don’t think he’d want us looking for him.” Peter sighs,
placing his chin in his hand. Sirius nods slowly in thought.

“As much as I dislike her…I think we should still at least ask Evans,” Sirius grumbles before
standing back up. Peter’s eyebrows knit tightly.

“What do you have against her, anyway? She doesn’t talk to us, is it because she’s
muggleborn? No offense but, given your um…family history…it wouldn’t be surprising to
me.”

The other splutters on his own breath, shaking his head vigorously. “No! No...Course not. But
no, she was with Snivellus the first day and defended him after he called James stupid! She
definitely avoided me at the sorting ceremony, and she’s just taken our roommate from us,”
Sirius rants on and on about his weird hatred for Lily Evans but Peter quickly tunes out. He
stands up and walks to the door to scamper down the stairs while Sirius is still talking.

In his opinion, Sirius is lying, even if he doesn’t realize it.

———
James zooms down the halls, having not a single clue where he’s going. The bright gold walls
covered with moving paintings all look the same to him. Has he gone this way already? The
full moon shines through the windows, turning sections of the gold into a shimmering silver.
James looks behind him and turns a corner, suddenly hitting into something both hard and
soft that makes him stumble back in surprise. A large man with gray hair and green robes
stands before him with a shocked face.

“P-Professor Slughorn! I’m sorry, I…actually I need help so — thanks for… for being there,”
James pants, completely out of breath after circling the first floor multiple times. “Where’s
Professor McGonagall's office? I’ve looked everywhere for it and I’m already late for
detention!”

Slughorn looks shocked at the out-of-breath Potter standing in front of him. “Detention? On
the first weekend? My boy, what could you have possibly done to get that?” James wants to
hit him. Alright maybe not hit, just shake some sense into him. He has places to be. “So
sorry, just take a right from here then go straight on until the end of the corridor where you
will take a left, then up the stairs and another left.” Slughorn bends down and points in the
direction of ‘right’ like James is a dunce. Maybe he is, because Merlin, that was a lot of
directions.

James nods quickly, taking off again. “Thank you, Professor!” He has no idea what time it is,
but he must be over ten minutes late. The corridor looks miles long to him, but after
practically flying up the stairs, he bursts into McGonagall’s office, nearly collapsing into the
door. She jumps and spills tea over a couple pieces of parchment in shock.

“So-sorry-Professor-I-got-lost!” James shouts out in one breath, he leans his head against the
door for a moment before closing it behind him. He sucks in a loud deep breath and wipes
sweat from his forehead, embarrassingly enough.

The office is filled with a random assortment of objects on shelves that were likely used for
transfiguration. Her desk is placed a few feet from the door, a large red brick fireplace on the
right of it.

McGonagall looks up at him with raised brows over small circle glasses that sit on the tip of
her nose. She seems to be catching her own breath from the fright. “Quite the first impression
you make, Mister Potter. Showing up to the detention you earned on the first day of classes
late.” She shakes her head, inviting him to sit in front of her — James quickly obliges.

“Okay, I swear it was a mistake, Professor! She said to kick off, she never said how high, and
then I was too high up to hear her. You see, I’ve been flying since I was little and—“

“Potter, frankly I don't care. I do not get paid to listen to you complain. You are here to serve
detention and you will do so. Seeing as I have not even had you yet I will therefore allow you
to do work for another class,” McGonagall says sternly and unsmiling.

James silences himself and pulls out his books, quill, and ink for History of Magic. Peter
definitely wasn’t joking about her being strict. Merlin, he is so screwed.
 ———

Lily is curled on an armchair half asleep in the common room, completely exhausted. It’s
from another night of staying up late and talking with her friends though, so it’s hard to
complain. Dorcas and Mary sit together playing Wizards Chess, Mary looking completely
stunned by the violent pieces of ivory and wood while Dorcas plays quite impressively.

“Lily, wanna have a go after I beat Mary?” Dorcas asks, moving another piece to demolish
one of Mary’s.

The girl across her lets out a breath. “Who said you were gonna win?”

Dorcas shrugs. “Me. You’ve got a King and three pawns left. You’re gonna win with a
pawn?”

Mary rests her cheek into her fist, eyes drooping slightly. “I could. But I am tired, I could
resign. Let Lily play.”

She picks up her head and shakes it. “No, I’m alright,” she yawns. “Gonna head to sleep.
Alice is smart, she went early. To be honest, you two should as well, we’ve got classes
tomorrow.”

She stands up and walks over to the girls’ dorm stairs when a loud thundering of footsteps
comes down from the boys’. Black and Pettigrew, fantastic. One reason to get upstairs faster.

“Evans!” Black shouts across the common room, jogging over to her with a surprising
amount of energy for the middle of the night. Lily stops in her tracks and grimaces, turning
around towards him. “Have you seen Lupin? None of us have seen him the whole day, and
you’re always with him.”

Lily snorts and retorts, “I don’t, and even if I did, why would I tell you? And why do you
care? None of you even speak to him!”

Pettigrew shakes his head with much aggression. “No, It’s him that doesn’t talk to us! We’ve
tried, but all he does is sit with you, how can you blame us for that?!”

Lily groans and starts up the stairs to her dorms, she’s had just about enough of these boys.

“No no wait, Evans hold on!” Black places a foot on the first step before he’s being
inelegantly launched across the room.

He lets out a loud yelping noise while landing flat on his back. Lily looks on with wide eyes,
her jaw slack.

There’s a long silence as he lays still with his eyes screwed shut. “Ow,” he squeaks weakly in
pain.
Dorcas and Mary are snickering at him, hiding it very poorly. “You know you can’t go up the
girls’ stairs, right?” Dorcas asks amusingly.

Black hasn’t moved and is pathetically laying there with a heaving breath. “What? Can girls
go up the boys' stairs?”

“Yeah.”

“What a stupid rule.” Black tries to lift up his head but looks like he’s in actual pain—which
Lily almost pities—so it smacks back down on the hardwood floor. Pettigrew slowly walks
over to where Black lays and reaches a hand out.

She finally decides to continue climbing the staircase up to her dorm room. She enters as
quietly as possible so as to not wake up Alice and stares out the window in thought. The two
boys were onto something, where is Remus? It’s nearly nine o’clock, and if he’s caught out of
bed he will surely be punished. Maybe he’s in the library. He’ll find his way back, he’s smart,
she can tell.

Lily pushes all other thoughts aside as she lays down in bed and drifts into a much needed
sleep.

———

SEPTEMBER 6, 1971

It’s breakfast, Sirius is at the breakfast table next to James, Peter, and Frank — staring at the
door waiting for their scarred housemate to show face. He didn’t come back the entire night
and isn’t back for breakfast either. So where is he?

Sirius feels a bit pathetic for the slight amount of worry he has, but someone going missing is
in fact a cause for concern.

“You’re sure none of you have seen him?” Sirius looks at the other two. James shakes his
head in between bites of bacon and Peter merely shrugs. Sirius scoffs and leans back on the
bench with his hands.

“Seen who?” Frank asks, not having been involved in the fiasco that was the night before.

“Remus,” Peter sighs and holds his head on his palms. “We were looking for him last night
while James was in detention, but couldn’t find him. Even Evans didn’t know where he was!
We still have no clue.”

Frank purses his lips and taps his fork on the plate in front of him. “Detention, James?
Really? Anyway, have you tried the library? He’s always got his head in a book. Maybe he
fell asleep there. He’s tiny, Madam Pince probably didn’t see him.”

James swallows back his food. “Okay, the detention was hardly even my fault. But you think
he’d miss dinner, sleeping, and now breakfast just to read?”

“He could be an avid reader. Like a bookworm,” Frank remarks.

“This is just obsessive.”

“Maybe so,” Frank shrugs. “I’d just wait until classes, he’ll turn up.”

———

Everything hurts, his body aches with a heavy weakness that drags his bones down. Getting
up the stairs is hard, even if he just came from the infirmary where Madam Pomfrey healed
him as best as she could. There’s always that lingering feeling.

During the night he got a heavy gash on his leg, one that he didn’t feel for a long time, not
until he came back to himself. He sat on that floor for a good while, unsure of what to do, or
what was even going to happen. Was he supposed to get back on his own?

He couldn’t. Not with the blood coming out of his leg that took its time to seep into the wood.
So he held onto it and cried, that’s how these things usually end.

Remus knows they’re going to ask questions, and he wants to delay it as long as he can. But
the longer he’s away, the more there will be.

He slowly opens the door to the dormitory, all three of his dorm mates look up and then at
each other with their mouths wide open. Remus does his best to not look at a single one and
closes the door behind him, trying to make his limp the least obvious as he could.

“Okay hold on-“

“No, Sirius.” James interrupts.

“No no, I wanna know where he’s been gone for over a day! A whole day, James!” Black
aggressively whispers. Remus can hear every word and gets into bed. He wants to sleep.
Please let him sleep.

“Lupin, why have you been gone since Sunday afternoon? It’s Monday night! Thought you
weren’t the type to skive off class and multiple meals. Are you not hungry?” Black keeps
spewing out questions with no filter and it gives Remus a headache in his eye. He sounds like
a cross parent.

He rubs his temples and sighs. “Personally, I don’t think you need to know where I’ve been.
But since you’re so curious I’ve been in the Hospital Wing. I had a terrible stomach virus
before dinner and decided to stay there for the night.” It was a good enough lie he created
while in the Hospital Wing with Madam Pomfrey.

Black looks terribly underwhelmed by his response. “I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard
you speak. The whole day today too?” Remus nods.

“That’s why I still have a tiny limp, I don’t feel amazing, but good enough to be back here.”

“Okay. Can I ask—“

“No,” Remus interrupts, pushing himself under the covers with a wince. “I’m going to sleep.”

Black looks unsatisfied like he should’ve been expecting Remus to spill every secret about
him right then and there. Like he’s just going to open his face and go yeah, I was too busy
clawing off my own skin and howling at the moon to go to class, hope you don’t mind. The
bastard. Oh, Remus might be more pissed off than he thought he was.

James seems to notice the tense situation and quickly gets up to turn the lights off. Peter is
already under the covers with the curtains closed tightly around the bedposts.

Remus turns to his side, sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, then lays on his back
instead. He doesn’t understand how he’s supposed to keep this a secret for long, let alone
seven years. Surely he’s going to become a pathological liar at some point. Maybe he already
is.

He has his reasons behind everything he does, and deliberately not getting close to his
housemates isn’t an exception to that. They’re loud and obnoxious, yes, of course, and
Remus can’t help but crave for something less lonely either way. But he can’t, they’ll worry
about where he is even more if they knew and liked him. They already seem to be, which
creates a whole new problem. Indifference might not be what they need, and he could take it
up a notch. Just to get them to leave him alone and not have their mind on what he does every
full moon.

He tucks the warm blanket over his shoulders, trying to forget how his muscles are still tense
from the night before. He’s nearly asleep, his eyelids feeling like weights — when his bed
drapes are slowly opened and soft moonlight dusts the frame. Remus opens his eyes and
looks up, meeting eyes with the silhouette of James. He outstretches an arm with a large
wrapper in his hand, a chocolate bar in fact.

“I-I thought you might like this. Dunno if Madam Pomfrey gives you food but you did say
you liked chocolate and I had some in my trunk — there's a preserving charm too! I didn’t do
it, my mum did, I can’t do that yet. If you...you know...want to save it for a bit.” He gives a
genuine but a bit of an awkward grin.

Remus doesn’t know what comes over him but he suddenly feels warm, he sits up, forgetting
his pain for a moment. It’s such a simple gesture, but something Remus has never known.
Everyone always tries these big grand things for him like that will make up for the fact that
he’s a monster.
 But James has no idea what he is, and he’s doing this anyway. Just because Remus mentioned
he liked it.

Oh. This is nice.

Remus’s lips quirk up into a soft smile as he looks James in the eyes, accepting the bar from
his outstretched hand. He places it on his bedside table. “Thank you, James.”

James lingers for a second more before nodding and shuffling back into his own bed. Remus
lies back down, feeling like James has just given him something so lovely at such a terrible
time. He was ready to make them all hate him, but now he doesn’t know if he can.

Remus hasn’t talked with Peter to be able to form an opinion on him, and Black is a
completely different story — but James? He’s the one who invited him into the train
compartment and the one who corrected Black in the first place. He may be full of himself,
but he’s kind to those who…he believes deserve it. If he finds out what Remus is, he’s sure
the kindness will stop, everything is conditional in the end. But he doesn’t have to know. No,
he will never know. He’ll make better excuses, he’ll do anything to preserve whatever olive
branch James has extended towards him.

It’s such a small thing, he knows he’s overreacting. He can’t find it in himself to care because
unfortunately, he has found someone he wants to keep in his life. So he will.

———

Chapter End Notes

Not much to say here, James is so lovely this chapter. My boy <3. These first few
chapters are so lighthearted it’s cute.

Leave comments if you have any!

 First Year: The Letter
Chapter Summary

Something is up with Sirius.

Chapter Notes

cw at the end of the chapter! (it’s very minor)

Words: 3.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 20, 1971

“All right everyone, up you get!” James hollers at the crack of dawn, earning loud groans
from his dorm mates who were peacefully asleep. They should be used to it already, James
thinks, he does this every class day. Peter rolls out of bed and plops on the floor like a ball,
still half asleep. Remus eventually yawns and sits up, but Sirius isn’t getting up at all. He’s
definitely awake, though, James can tell.

James buttons up his shirt and walks over to his bed, slowly pulling the curtains open to not
scare him like he did the first time. Sirius is curled away from James, looking like he’s been
awake for hours already.

“C’mon, Sirius. We have to go to breakfast!” He encourages, tapping Sirius’ shoulder a

couple times for good measure. Sirius turns over to look at James and oh, wow. He’s glaring.

James chews his cheek, looking back to Remus and Peter who are all ready to leave, books
and everything. “You two go down, we’ll be there in a minute.” James nods to them.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine, I’m up,” Sirius grumbles, pushing the blankets off to reveal that he
slept in his uniform. He pulls on his shoes and throws a tie around his neck, not bothering to
actually tie it.

When they get to the dining hall, it’s even more obvious that Sirius is in a mood today. He
sits quietly with nothing on his plate and a clenched jaw. He’s usually one of the most
talkative people after James, so he could be coming down with an illness.
“Hey, Sirius, you all right?” James leans over the table on his elbows, hushing his voice to a
mumble. Sirius shrugs and pouts his lips. Basically meaning no, but he’s not going to say no.

“Yeah. Just feeling a bit ah…tired. Not with it today,” He mutters, tapping his fingers onto
the table.

“Perk up, mate! Nothing to be sad about here,” Peter smiles and nudges Sirius with a piece of
toast, earning a twitch of a smile from him.

Sirius rubs his nose, not looking at any of them. “Suppose.”

James turns to Remus, who purposely avoids looking at Sirius. In the past couple of weeks,
Remus has started to alternate sitting with the three of them and Lily’s general vicinity. In
fact, James and Remus get along well now and he was thankful he gave him the chocolate
that one night. He didn’t think it meant much, but he could see something change in Remus’s
face in the moonlight. James likes the change, Remus is lovely.

He just wishes Remus and Sirius could get along. Since day one they’ve been standoffish, not
bothering to say much to each other at all other than passive aggressive side comments. He
can’t wrap his head around why the two of them dislike each other so much. Remus seems
like he has a nasty grudge from his behavior on the train, which is not a good example of it. It
was a low moment that James quickly righted, and he hasn’t done it since. Sirius might hate
Remus because Remus hates Sirius. It’s hard to tell.

Later in the day, James busies himself with doodles of a snitch on his parchment during
Transfiguration. Surprisingly enough, McGonagall is much nicer during class than during
detention. She’s engaging for others and explains things very thoroughly, she’s a great
teacher. It’s unfortunate that James finds himself completely disinterested in Transfiguration.
He yawns obnoxiously and leans back in his chair, watching his tiny snitch fly around the
paper. That’s a fun charm he learned from Remus.

His first class with McGonagall had actually gone horribly, to put it nicely. Sirius kept
occasionally kicking James’ feet for the fun of it and James would kick him back. This
eventually built up to James accidentally pushing him so hard Sirius’s chair fell sideways
with him in it. It was hilarious, but it also meant he got another detention. All because of
Sirius. James didn’t talk to Sirius for twenty-five minutes because of it.

“Mister Potter?” McGonagall asks, snapping James out of his daze of staring at his made-up
snitch. Everyone excluding Sirius is looking at him, he looks quite distracted actually. By
absolutely nothing. James blinks a couple of times and furrows his eyebrows.

“...Yes? Yes…ma’am?” He replies slowly, waiting for the worst.

She walks closer to his desk and picks up the doodled paper, then looks at Sirius’ completely
empty one. “Have you two been paying attention?” Sirius nods blankly with a hum. “What is
the incantation for a switching spell?” Sirius glances to James, and he really wishes he didn’t.
He has no idea. James opens his mouth and closes it. McGonagall sighs and mutters to them,
“It pains me to constantly be putting my own students in detention, please do better.
Tomorrow night in the usual room, Potter and Black.”

“It’s like you want detention,” Remus comments as they walk out of the classroom. James
lets out a long exhale and musses up his hair.

“Alright, listen, it’s not really my fault! I just get easily distracted and—and so does Sirius!
Not my fault.” James thinks he hears something like “ridiculous” being uttered under Remus’
breath, but he can’t help but have his attention elsewhere still. Sirius is still sulking to the far
left of him, eyes glued to his shoes.

The four of them make their way back to the common room before dinner, each feeling
equally drained from the long day of classes. Remus heads up to the dorm with Peter while
James and Sirius stay in the empty common room. It isn’t a spoken decision, but the two of
them just know somehow that they need to talk.

“I’ll make tea, how ‘bout that?” James gives a small smile, turning to the fireplace and the
kettle that sits beside it. The fire crackles and sets a soft orange glow on the two of them.
Sirius sighs and shakes his head at himself.

“Listen, James, I’m fine. I can tell you’re concerned, but I promise I can handle it,” Sirius
mumbles, staring into the flames.

“So there is something, Mister ‘I’m totally fine don’t worry’,” he tries joking, pulling back
once Sirius doesn’t laugh. “Look, even if I don’t understand, I’m sure I can still give you
advice.” James pours cold water into the kettle then sets it over the fire.

Sirius pauses for a moment, then sits. James follows. “Your parents sound lovely. Every time
you talk about them, I mean.”

James doesn’t want to go overboard about how his parents are probably the best people he
has in his life, this isn’t about him. So he only says, “Yeah, they’re great, really. I’ve told you
about them a bit.”

Sirius hums quietly. “Mhm.” He waits for a beat. “Tell me more about them.”

“Oh,” James says. “Well, I love them. I know they love me. They’ve always been there to
keep me happy and healthy—is this…is this what you wanted to talk about?”

Sirius shrugs. “Kind of. Well, no, but also yes. I just—I wanna know things about your
family. You get to call them Mum and Dad? Mother and Father?” James furrows his
eyebrows and frowns slightly.

“Of course, do you…not?”

He watches Sirius fidget with his tie and clear his throat. It’s a concerning sight, really. “Not
exactly. They told me it was too childish for a boy my age and then I stopped. Or, well, I had
to stop, because—I—I was about seven at the time.” He takes yet another long pause,
scrunching his eyebrows together. “What kind of punishments do you get when you do
something they don’t like?”

James drops two tea bags in two separate mugs as the water starts to boil, eyes widening and
not moving from Sirius’s face. “Sorry?”

“Not—not punishments, um, y’know. What do they do if you do something bad?”

“…Well, I’d get told off for it, if it’s something bad, I don’t get to fly for a bit. And then I try
to not do it again.”

Sirius looks at him, like really looks at him. The kettle starts to whistle a high-pitched tone as
steam shoots out from the top.

“Are you lying?”

“No? Course not.”

“No, but I mean—well surely…like what if it’s really bad?”

James chuckles nervously. “I don’t do really bad things. I make a lot of mistakes, but never
something… bad.”

Sirius shakes his head. “No, but I don’t understand what you mean. You’re not making sense.
It’s normal.” He quiets down at the end, talking to himself. James pours the steaming water in
the mugs and sets them down, trying to keep a calm demeanor.

“What’s normal?” James asks with concern. He stares into Sirius’ eyes that are full of
disbelief and dart around frantically. “Sirius…” James pleads. “I know we haven’t known
each other long, but you can trust me. I hope you know that.” He removes the tea bags and
stirs both drinks, adding two lumps of sugar to his. “How many?” He asks quietly.

Sirius looks vacantly at James, but he isn’t really looking at anything at all. “None. There’s
nothing to talk about.” He grabs the tea from James, taking a sip and scrunching his face
from the bitterness of it.

He nods slowly, sipping his own tea and not believing a word Sirius is telling him anymore.
He’s caught in his head, he can tell.

From the corner of his eye, he spots seeing a small figure. He fully glances without turning
his head and sees Remus for barely a split second before he’s hidden himself behind the
spiral stairs. That’s definitely strange, he thinks.

“That’s fine, I’m not going to force you to say anything,” James reassures him. “Are you
coming down for dinner tonight?” Sirius shrugs weakly. “That’s okay too, you don’t have to.
I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, see you, James. Thanks, by the way — for this...and the tea,” he says, setting it down
on the small table next to him. James nods, going up the stairs to put his books away.
He knows something is wrong, something is very wrong. His parents seem like right
bastards, strict and controlling. There’s something else, that thing Sirius won’t tell him, and
James can’t place it.

———

Remus feels ill, but not in the way he normally does, it’s internal. The nausea comes from
nothing but himself and his own actions, bubbling in his guts like a horribly made potion
about to melt through the pot.

He thought of Black as a snarky stuck up pureblooded git, and he was. Nineteen days ago.
It’s not a lot of time to change a person, but he’s young and…well when you’re in one
environment your whole life then shoved into another…that changes someone. Remus knows
that, he feels it. He hated Black for his judging eyes and rude comments. It’s weighing down
in his chest now, the fact that Remus hasn’t let it go feels horribly ironic and hypocritical to
judge someone like that.

And he didn’t mean to eavesdrop, he was only coming down to go to dinner, but now he
doesn’t feel hungry at all.

It isn’t like his parents were bad people because they definitely aren’t. It just took some time
for them to get used to and handle his condition, his father especially. He hated werewolves,
still hates them. His son is the exception, and that has to be good enough because he wouldn’t
be here without their help. But hearing Black speak of his own parents with such a heavy
tone makes him sick to his stomach. What is he to do? Talk to him about it? It isn’t like
they’re friends.

Remus denounced making friendships before Hogwarts, and then he found Lily. And then he
found James. He could…make room for another.

It seems completely unreasonable, but maybe that's what they need. A common ground to
build from.

James and Peter are already at dinner along with almost every other Gryffindor by the time
he gets the courage to do something. Remus takes a deep breath and quietly makes his way
back down the spiral staircase to see Black sitting in the same spot he saw him last. He stares
blankly into the fire that sets a warm orange onto his face, making his features look much
softer. There’s a full cold cup of tea on the table next to him.

Remus moves boldly into the room, pretending to not really notice him there, despite that
being the entire goal. He settles down into the armchair opposite Black and sighs. Black
glances up at Remus hesitantly, then back into the fire.

“You...all right?” Remus starts, moving his legs into a criss-cross position on the chair.
Black visibly bites his tongue and clenches his jaw, taking a considerable amount of time to
respond. “Nice to know I exist to you.”

Remus can’t keep his eyes focused, looking between him and the fire. “The first impression I
got of you was full of prejudice. You can’t blame me for being put off by you.”

“I—I know but, I do like to be acknowledged as a human being. I’m trying to get better, even
though I’m not good at it. I was raised this way and—and anyway I’d like you to go, I’m not
in a mood to…to reconcile or whatever,” Sirius seethes, holding a very intense gaze into the
flames before him. “I don’t feel well.”

There’s a long, long silence before Remus gathers up the courage to speak again.

“I get it.”

Black looks at him finally, then shakes his head. “You don’t, you don’t get it.”

Remus purses his lips. “No, not in the way you are. But I know not feeling well, and I—I get
it, is what I’m saying. You might hate me more after this, but—“

“I don’t hate you,” Sirius says.

“Oh,” Remus mumbles, feeling worse. “Well, you might after I say this. I heard some of what
you and James were talking about.”

Sirius looks away from him immediately, eyes closing as he takes a deep breath. “Why?”

“Accident,” he states simply. Remus’ eyes turn to the cold abandoned tea that sits on the
table. “Is that yours?” He asks despite already knowing the answer.

He gets a confused glance from that, which he expected. “Yeah, too bitter.”

“Well, you did have the option to make it sweeter…” Remus puts the teacup back over the
fire. “Don’t settle for bitterness because you’re afraid of getting something you’ll like.”

“Such as?” Sirius retorts.

Remus exhales, “Comfort.”

Sirius nods his head slowly. “You’re smart, that’s annoying.” He smiles a bit. Remus smiles
back, thanking Merlin that Sirius isn’t seriously cross with him anymore. “I’m sorry for
looking at you like that on the train, I just never saw someone with facial scars before, and
I’m also sorry if that came out rudely.”

“It didn’t—“

“My parents don’t ever actually mark me, I’ve never asked why, I assume it’s for
appearances.”
Remus pauses. He blinks. He tries very, very hard not to make a face. Don’t freak him out.
“Mark you?”

“Yeah, like—like yours. Y’know, James has pretty much never been told no in his life, his
parents are very weird. He doesn’t even get punished, can you believe that?” Sirius laughs,
not paying any attention to how Remus is staring at him hearing a frequency in his ears so
high glass may be in danger of shattering around him.

“Sirius…”

“See, I knew it was normal, I was just surprised your parents would actually cut you,” he
continues, his leg beginning to bounce up and down as he becomes almost manic with his
speech. “They told me it was normal and I just knew it was, so I’m glad you affirmed it for
me even though you haven’t said a word and you’re staring at me, like really staring at me.”

Remus swallows. “Sirius, my parents didn’t give me any—“

“Why do you have those then?!” Sirius shouts. He shrinks into himself and hides his face
beneath his palms, breathing unsteadily.

Sirius quickly sits up and wipes his eyes, blinking rapidly then taking a deep breath. In
seconds, he looks normal again, his eyebrows don’t even crease anymore. Like instinct.

“I didn't want to show James, because I thought he would think I’m weak. I know he
wouldn’t say it — but he would think it, even if he didn’t want to. I have a feeling you would
understand better than he would, and I’m saying this because of the scars, because you know
pain, even if it’s not in the same way. Take all the offense you want to that,” Sirius says
calmly, pulling a large opened envelope out of his robe pocket. “This is from my mother, and
you don’t tell a soul what I’m showing you now, not one.” He hands the letter to Remus.

It feels like a business transaction rather than a moment of sincerity and openness, wrong in
some way. Remus carefully holds onto the envelope, pulling the letter out.

Sirius Orion Black,

You have dishonored me.

It’s short, it’s simple. And it’s a threat. If Remus hadn’t already felt sick, he definitely did
now. This is his mother? His mother, Hope, is one of the only lights in his life. She had no
idea what was coming for him after he was turned, but she never looked away from him for a
moment, even when she didn’t understand. Without his father, Remus wouldn’t be alive, but
without Hope, he would be lost. Sirius deserves a mother. He must be lost.
He looks up at Sirius who has kept his eyes stern and unwavering on him, which might be
worse than if he was crying about this. The fact that he’s so stoic makes Remus’s stomach
churn. A threat from his mother and he’s so terrified he feels the need to make himself look
like it isn’t a big deal. But it is. Of course it’s a big deal.

So Remus is upfront about it, as it deserves to be. “She sounds horrific.”

“Don’t say that,” Sirius mutters. “She’s not all bad.”

Remus raises his eyebrows. “You said she punishes you, and she’s just threatened you here.
Sirius, she is…she’s horrible.”

Sirius purses his lips and shakes his head in clear disagreement. “You don’t get it. She’s my
mother.”

“She doesn’t let you call her it.”

“You weren’t meant to hear that,” Sirius whispers. He stands up and snatches the letter from
Remus’s hands. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Remus swallows a lump in his throat, looking up at him. “Listen, I’ve never dealt with
anything like this...but I do know what it’s like to be seen as a disgrace. It sucks, it really
does. Is there any way that you can…get out of it? Being punished?”

“I said I don’t want to—” Sirius sighs. “My cousin, Andromeda was recently disowned for
marrying a muggleborn. Not a muggle, muggleborn. We pretend like she doesn’t exist, not
even her sisters speak of her. If I don’t follow along with what my parents say I’ll go with
her, especially now that I’m associating with blood traitors and—and…you know.”

A spark goes off in Remus’ head, and he hums about it. “Y’know, you could talk to
Andromeda. They can’t stop you from sending letters, so maybe you could send something to
her and ask how she deals with it.” He suggests. “Of course, it doesn’t solve anything, but
I’m just…throwing ideas around. It could help you feel less lonely in this, because I know
none of us can help you,” he offers sincerely.

Sirius sits back down and places his jaw in his hand, leaning an arm on the chair.
“That’s...actually quite a good idea. Thank you, Remus.”

Remus smiles, noticing Sirius saying his first name for the first time. It falls off his posh
accent quite nicely, different from Remus’s northern tongue. They fall into a quiet and
comfortable situation. They know the rest of the house is coming back soon, it’s good
everything heavy is out of the way.

He’s quite shocked with how much Sirius opened up. It was a bit of an accident and
miscommunication, but he still went through with the conversation either way. One thing digs
into his mind though, something he said while handing the letter over.

“James wouldn’t think you’re weak, by the way,” Remus assures. “In fact, I think he’d see
you as strong. I think you are.”
 Sirius looks at him once more, and he says nothing. Remus doesn’t need him to.

Frank and one of his friends, Eric Jones, enter the portrait hole abruptly, laughing loudly
about something that he couldn’t hear. Lily climbs in after them with Alice and shoots a sharp
glance to Remus and Sirius sitting across from each other. Remus pays her no mind, they’ll
talk about it another time. James and Peter come running in much later and freeze seeing the
two who are now in an easy conversation.

James knits his brows and looks between Remus and Sirius carefully. “I missed something.”

“Are you two friends now?” Peter asks bluntly.

Sirius and Remus stutter some incoherent words for a second before settling on, “Might be.”

Good enough for him, Remus thinks. Sirius has already found a place for himself beside
James and Lily. He plans to keep him there.

———

Chapter End Notes

(cw: minor abuse mentions)

This is by far the most altered chapter of the nine original I had (18 now by the way it’s
hard not just putting everything out at once). Like half of Sirius and Remus’ entire
conversation was changed it was really badly written…

Anyway Sirius realizing his home life is actually awful is a very big moment for him!
It’s like the second of many big steps to becoming who he is. Hope this is enjoyable :)
Leave comments!
 First Year: Ice Breaker
Chapter Summary

Mischief ensues!

Chapter Notes

Words: 5.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 2, 1971

The calm autumn breeze gently rustles the leaves of the tree Lily leans into with a book in her
lap. She sighs quietly, watching the fountain water shimmer in the sunlight. One of the stone
towers casts a large shadow across the courtyard, letting her read with ease. There aren’t any
classes today, and there’s nothing she loves more than getting to take in her new life.

Sometimes she forgets that she’s left everything she once knew behind. It’s been just over a
month since she last saw her family, and she misses them, but she’s never enjoyed herself like
she does now. Back home people liked her, but she didn’t have true friends she could really
be comfortable around. She only had Petunia. Until she didn’t, of course, that came with
making friends with Severus and her new life here.

Lily’s found out she’s actually quite the social butterfly, which shocked her. She loves time to
herself, but more than anything she loves connection and knowing she has people who care
about her. Most of the girls in her house she’s acquainted with now, and she’d like to keep
going beyond just Gryffindor. She’s found herself addicted to connection with other girls that
she never felt before.

Her moment of tranquility soon comes to an end when four boys run across the grass, playing
some kind of chasing game like tag. Lily lets out a slow breath and looks back down at her
book she’s been distracted from. She’ll admit, she’s confused with what Remus is doing.
Over the couple of weeks he didn’t like them, they had talked a fair amount, and he was shy.
Now, he’s caught up in their antics, drawn in like a moth to a flame.

It started with Potter, but Lily supposed she could understand. He needed more than just her.
Personally, Lily would’ve chosen Pettigrew rather than the ring leader, but that’s just her
opinion.

Then came Black, and this one shocked Lily to her core. She could recall how many times
Remus rolled his eyes or looked utterly affronted by his existence. Now, she watches as they
chase each other around the fountain in glee.

He looks happy.

A dark shadow draws over Lily and she looks up to see Severus standing at her side. She
smiles and pats the space next to her. “Hi, Severus! Come sit, we should talk.”

“Hello, I was wondering how you were doing.” Severus sits down, staring at her straight on.

“Oh, I’m alright. I was just rereading this book I got when I was younger. It’s a muggle one,
so I don’t think you’d know it.” She shows the cover of the short book reading ‘Frog and
Toad Are Friends’. Severus furrows his eyebrows and purses his lip at the muggle book.

“What’s it about?” He asks monotonously, crossing his arms.

“Well, it’s a very short book, but it’s about these two best friends, Frog and Toad. They go on
a bunch of adventures together in the spring and are inseparable. I’ve always loved this
story!” Lily smiles fondly, remembering her Father reading it to her when she was much
younger.

Severus nods, looking ever so uninterested in the book. “That sounds…nice,” he gives a
small smile. He turns towards the four boys playing around the fountain and sneers. “They’re
quite...absurd. Aren’t they?” Lily simply shrugs, she’d hoped to talk to Severus normally, not
about the boys again.

“I’ve told you that Remus is sweet. They’re just playing right now, as obnoxious as it may
be.”

Severus scoffs and glances back at Lily. “Lupin hangs out with them, so what does that make
him?”

“I don’t know...they’re all roommates so it does make sense,” She says pointedly, it was
unfair that Severus could talk about her own friend so poorly especially when it’s not like his
own friends are very kind. She doesn’t bring this up, she never does, but she dislikes his
roommates, especially Avery and Mulciber. They’re genuinely rude, and she can tell they
don’t like her, but she doesn’t know why. “I think—what?” Lily interrupts herself, noticing
Severus glaring straight ahead. She turns and spots Potter making his way over to them. “Oh
no.”

“All right, Evans?” Potter asks, sitting down on her left, Lily scoots to the right of him. “I
was just thinking, we argue so much-“

“We barely argue, in fact, we barely talk at all. Why are you here?” Lily raises her eyebrows,
knowing he probably has something planned. Potter doesn’t even respond to her, he looks
over at her lap where her book lays.
“Can I see that?” He asks loudly. Lily deeply exhales and hands it over, he hasn’t done
anything yet, no need to be rude. He squints at the cover and then at the back of it. “How are
the frogs walking?” Potter questions while flipping through the pages.

Lily surveys him, unsure if he’s serious or not. He seems absolutely serious. “I don't know?
They’re not real. You have real ghosts and you’re asking me how the fake frogs are
walking?”

Potter scrunches his forehead up, frowning “I don’t have ghosts, I’m not haunted. Oh, hey
Snivellus. Didn’t see you there!” There it is, just what Lily was waiting for. Severus sneers
and begins to push himself to his feet.

“Oh, don’t go! Potter, please give me the book back and go to your friends,” Lily speaks to
him like a child, and he either doesn’t notice, or just doesn’t care.

“Aren’t we friends?” He pouts, looking at her with large brown eyes. Lily blinks and shakes
her head no. Of course not.

He gives her another sad look and hands the book back to her. Potter gets to his feet and starts
to walk back to the other three when Severus sticks out a foot in his way, almost making him
stumble over it.

“Hey! You nearly tripped me, you git!” Potter complains.

Severus smirks and makes a gesture, “Hurts to get a taste of your own medicine, doesn’t it?”
Lily glares at both of them.

Potter lingers for a second longer, eyes locked to Severus’, then walks back to his friends —
all three watching the scene. Remus looks especially annoyed by Severus’ behavior.

“Don’t be like that, Severus.” Lily frowns and nudges him with her elbow. “It’s rude.”

“Oh, and Potter can do the same thing?” Severus retaliates, pushing himself up again.

“No! I never said that. But you’re better than that—where are you going?”

———

“No, Mister Potter, Quidditch is prohibited for first years, and you know this,” Madam Hooch
says sternly while cleaning up the brooms from the last class.

James quickly tries to catch up with her as she walks quickly across the field. “Oh, come on!
I’m really good, you’ve seen me! And there've been first years on the Quidditch team
before.”
“Yes, and they were prodigies to be able to beat out every other year on tryouts! Not to
mention your track record with detention is abominable. I’m sorry Potter but I have to decline
your request. Try out next year, and we’ll see then.” Madam Hooch places the school brooms
back in their designated places in the shed, not even caring to look at James.

“That’s just—” James sighs and looks down at his feet. He doesn’t want to cause a scene, but
he’s not used to being denied like this. “Okay,” he mumbles before sulking back to the castle.
He’s the reason for his own failure right now, so it’s hard to be disappointed at anyone but
himself. She is going by the rules after all. It’s just weird. He assumed he’d be an exception
to the second years and above rule because of his experience.

Peter is waiting around the corner for James while Remus and Sirius are already off to lunch
in the Great Hall.

He spots the disappointed look on James’ face and immediately moves to give him a
reassuring pat on the back. “Don’t worry about it, mate. Next year you’ll definitely get it, I
know you will.” James nods, already slightly cheered up from his presence. Peter always
knows what to say to make people feel better, even if it’s just a small comment. It’s
something James really likes about him.

Entering the Great Hall, at their usual spot, Remus purses his lips and shakes his head at
something Sirius just said to him. Sirius’ mouth goes ajar in fake offense and Remus hides a
grin behind his hand. It baffles him how they got so friendly so fast. After weeks of
pretending the other didn’t exist, it came completely out of nowhere. Peter and James went to
one dinner alone and suddenly they’re... friends? Neither of them will admit what happened
that night and James supposes there must be a reason for it. Sirius hasn’t had a day like that
again.

He sits down next to Sirius and starts piling an assortment of sandwiches on his plate.

Sirius looks between the four of them. “So I was thinking—“

“It’s a terrible idea,” Remus interrupts, getting a rude glare from Sirius.

He straightens himself, looking quite offended and starts again, “Anyway, as I was saying
before I was so rudely interrupted...” Sirius gives Remus another look, “I think we should
sneak out after hours—“

“No way!” Peter interjects loudly. “Do you want another detention?”

Remus hums. “See, what did I say? Bad idea!”

Sirius drops his head in his hands and exhales deeply. He lets everyone sit in silence for a
good fifteen seconds before looking back up at James. “Anyway… as I was saying! I think we
should have some fun, I’m getting bored around here and I wanna do a joke on the whole
school. We do it after hours so no one knows it’s us—“

“He really does want another detention!” Peter lets his hands fall on the table with a
disappointed thump.
Sirius looks on the verge of exploding.

“James? What do you think?”

James thinks about it for a moment — cause sure he hates detention, but pulling pranks
sounds fun. He’s got no chance of the Quidditch team this year, so he doesn’t have anything
to lose. There definitely hasn't been enough fun this year so far, and who’s to say they would
get caught?

“I like it, I’m in.” James smiles, earning a satisfied smirk from Sirius who leans back in his
chair while Peter and Remus simply sigh.

“I’ll be sitting this one out.” Remus raises both hands, struggling a bit to stand up and back
away from the table. “And I won’t be caught fraternizing with a bunch of misfits. Peter? Join
me?” Peter stuffs a bread roll in his mouth then follows after him, leaving James and Sirius
alone — besides the hundreds of other students, of course.

Sirius turns back to James and it’s easy to notice the gleams of disobedience in their eyes.
“So, Potter. How are we planning to break the mischief-making ice?”

———

James spreads a large scroll on their dorm floor and holds it down with multiple inkwells
while Sirius abruptly drops a multitude of books on the floor he checked out from the library.
Remus and Peter observe in utter shock.

“Are you really going all out for this?” Remus asks, peeking over the top of his own book.

Sirius nods, beginning to flip the pages of the different charms and jinxes they could use.
“It’s called starting off with a bang, my friend!” He grins, looking at Remus before scanning
through more pages.

“When are you going to do it anyway?” Peter questions, moving over to sit beside James.

James shrugs. “No idea, if we were to be using a spell then we’d have to practice it.”

Sirius suddenly lets out a loud yelp and scrambles over to show James. “A lot of these seem
complicated but what about Glisseo? It turns stairs into slides.”

“Sirius, it took me an entire class to turn a match into a needle, that is just not happening,”
James says.

Sirius groans and slides back. “That’s cause you don’t pay attention.”

“You’re one to talk,” Peter mutters.

“Shut up, Peter.”

Glisseo is probably something they could pull off in a few years, but definitely not in the first
year. Sirius sighs and goes back to eyeing the paper.

“Try Colovaria,” someone murmurs.

Everyone in the room looks at where the voice came from and land on Remus. His book is
dog-eared shut on the bed and he’s watching the three of them on the floor tiredly.

Sirius frowns, having no clue what that means. “What's that do?” Remus slides himself to the
ground and grabs the book from Sirius’ lap. He flips a handful of pages back to the letter ‘C’
and scans for the charm. He puts his tongue in his cheek and points, then hands the book back
to Sirius to read. “Colovaria—changes the color of an object...you couldn’t have just said
that?” Sirius raises an eyebrow.

James snickers and points at Remus. “You’ve got some sass in you, I like it.”

Remus looks down at his legs and flushes, saying, “Just thought you’d need some help. I’m
still not participating.” He pushes himself back on his bed but lets his legs dangle off the
edge. Peter hums.

“Well, I’m gonna join in, what harm can come from changing colors?” Peter grins.

They busy themselves for the next hour; Sirius repeatedly mutters ‘Colovaria’ and only
manages to successfully make a couple spark-like splatters, and James and Peter brainstorm
what they would use the spell for. Remus decides at some point he wants to learn the charm
anyway, it might be useful.

Sirius sighs in frustration as his incantation makes the rug have randomly placed color
splotches, overall nothing impressive. He glances back at the book, making sure he got the
movement right — everything looks fine. Why can’t he get it?

“Maybe if you say it a bit more clearly, that might work,” Remus says, gaining Sirius’
attention.

“Well alright genius, show me then!” Sirius whines with an eye roll, backing up to give
Remus the room to cast the spell.

Remus eyes him. “Fine. Colovaria,” he casts with a flick of his wand at one of the drapes. A
spark shoots out of the end and hits the cloth, a bright blue spreading from the center to the
whole piece. “Not hard, maybe you’re not focusing on what color you want it to be.”

“Oh,” Sirius mumbles. Suppose that would be a good idea. “Didn’t think about that.” He
points to the same drape and thinks very intensely about turning it back to red before saying
the incantation as clearly as he can. A similar spark flies out and hits it, and a splotch of red
latches onto the blue, but doesn’t cover the whole surface.

“See, that was good!”

Sirius curls a lip at his subpar casting and shakes his head. “Hardly. The drapes are still half
blue.”

“Oi!” James taps Sirius’s arm for his attention. “If you two are done, I’ve figured out an
idea!” The three of them turn their heads to the specky boy with half of his hand stained with
smudged ink. “Does anyone know where the kitchen is?” Remus looks at Peter who looks at
Sirius who looks at James, and they all shake their heads slowly. “Well, that’s alright, we
could find it! I’m sure it’s not that hard, the castle isn’t that—well it is that big. But maybe
we could ask a house elf.”

“What's your grand plan anyway?” Sirius tries to read what James wrote upside down to no
luck, James’ handwriting is near illegible, especially with all the smudges.

“I was getting to that! So, when we find the kitchens, we use Colovaria on all the food, so
yeah, it’ll all taste the same, but then there’s no real harm done. Imagine Dumbledore’s face
when he bites into chicken and it’s green!”

Sirius nods as a smile slowly spreads across his face. “I like that! Remus, you really don’t
wanna? It doesn’t even hurt anyone”

Remus scoffs. “Nope. Already decided,” he reconfirms.

“I say, we all—minus Remus I suppose—split up tomorrow night on different floors and try
to find it. We meet up back at the Great Hall entrance after we’ve searched and either found
nothing or found it,” James smirks mischievously.

Peter’s eyes widen. “What if we get caught?!”

“Yeah, I’m definitely not helping if it means we’re going out past hours. I don’t plan on
getting Filch or Dumbledore on my back,” Remus complains.

“More volunteers means more coverage, and if we have less people it could take us weeks!”
Sirius complains right back.

Remus shoots back up from the bed. “Weeks? How long are you planning on trying to find
the kitchens? Why don’t you just come up with a better plan where you won’t get in
trouble?”

Sirius sighs and shakes his head, pushing himself onto the bed next to Remus. “Well, where’s
the fun in that?”

“You—when did you become like this?” Remus puts his head in his hands and rubs his
temples for effect. “When we all met you had some restraint. Mind you, that was a month
ago.”

“Well, I did get a letter from a certain person and dare I say it has enlightened me,” Sirius
speaks quietly and nudges Remus with his elbow. He gives him a look that hopefully
communicates ‘I’ll tell you about it later’ and drops back down to the floor.

James eyes the two of them and shakes his head. “Anyway, that’s the final plan. Who’s in?”
“I am!” Sirius turns giddy again, shooting his hand up. Peter sighs and nods somewhat
reluctantly. All three look over to Remus who’s sitting with his arms crossed and a look on
his face shouting how much he hates eyes on him.

Remus lets out an exasperated sigh and throws his arms up. “Fine! Whatever. Fine. I’ll do
it.”

James jumps up and whoops. “Our first big adventure together, how exciting!”

———

OCTOBER 3, 1971

“Sirius you take the ground floor, Peter the second, Remus the third, I’ll take the fourth,”
James plots in the common room. They’re huddled in a circle, each with a piece of parchment
and muggle crayons Peter had. “We each take these and plot down the kitchen or anything we
find that’s interesting.”

They break up the huddle and start out the portrait hole when a voice steals their attention.
“Boys! What are you doing?” Lily struts towards them with an accusing look on her face.
“It’s almost after hours!”

James smirks. “We are very well aware, Evans. In fact, we plan to stay out almost the whole
night! Nice seeing you,” He says before giggling and speeding out the portrait, followed by
Sirius and Peter.

“Remus, I thought you were better than them!” Lily throws her arms up exasperatedly.
“We’re going to lose more points, and Gryffindor is already in last place!”

“Lily, it’s just—it’s not that big of a deal. We won’t be gone long.” Remus shrugs and smiles,
hopping out of the room after them. Remus quickly catches up with the others at the Great
Hall to all say good luck to each other and then goes on his way to the third floor.

Tomorrow is the full moon, and his limbs have been completely sore the entire day — not
that he let anyone notice. He bites back grimaces and groans when getting to his feet in hopes
that no one notices it. So far, it seems no one has. Now that he’s able to let the act go, Godric
is he in pain. Running down six flights to the Great Hall then back up two has taken a
horrible toll on his knees. Remus leans against the wall to catch himself and rub at his aching
joints to no avail.

Being very brief about all of this seems to be the best way to go, for his physical and
academic well-being. He doesn’t want Dumbledore to think he’s ungrateful when he’s
anything but. He walks with stiff limbs down the halls and hopes to finish this quickly.
The Hospital Wing is on this floor, maybe he could ask Madam Pomfrey for a potion. But if
he did then he would technically be caught after hours, and he’s only met the woman once,
what if she isn’t so forgiving? Remus groans internally and grimaces while walking past the
Hospital Wing.

On his expedition, he finds a trophy room, an armor gallery, an empty corridor, a large ugly
statue, and some classrooms. Nothing really of importance, he thinks. Remus does decide to
mark them down just in case, though.

———

Peter skips along the hallway, marking down every little detail he could see in vague shapes.
Most of this floor is just bathrooms, various tapestries, and the Defense classroom — nothing
really of interest. Peter thinks someone should make a map of this place, it would make
everything so much easier.

He’s a bit out of breath from scanning the floor top to bottom multiple times. Peter leans
against a tapestry to catch himself — only he doesn’t. He yelps as he falls straight through it
onto a narrow staircase, grappling onto the wall for balance.

Peter stills in complete shock, standing in place for a moment before regaining his
composure. He hums and continues down the stairs, maybe this is the kitchen! He thumps
down eagerly, feeling really good about his odds here. Suddenly, the stair disappears right
below him and causes him to fall through with a high pitched shriek. Thankfully he isn’t
dead, just stuck.

“I got the worst floor, didn't I?” Peter whines in between the two stone stairs holding him up.

———

James is not a stealthy person, he finds out. There are a large number of portraits on the
fourth floor that keep telling him to stop bumping into things, which scares him and causes
him to bump into more things. When he uses his wand for light they yell at him to turn it off,
the tossers. He’s peeved more than anything, these stupid paintings. Surely he’s going to be
caught by Filch from the racket they’re making.

After bumping into another clancy suit of armor, he is met with a mirror — a randomly
placed one that leans against the stone wall.

This wouldn’t be weird if there was another mirror casually in the castle, but James has yet to
see one, so naturally, he’s curious. He finds that he’s completely alone now with no pestering
portraits to tell him off. He mumbles a quick ‘lumos’ and walks closer to it. All he sees is
himself, which, duh. His hair is all scruffy and not well groomed and his Mother would
definitely be poor about it if she were here.

Okay, this is likely a waste of time, but something in him said to check behind it. James looks
both ways for anyone in the halls before boldly trying to pull the mirror off the wall,
desperately hoping his intuition is right. To his amazement, it’s connected by some invisible
hinge to the stone wall and—

“Blimey…” James whispers, holding the surprisingly light glass up. It’s a dark passageway
leading to…somewhere. James pulls out his parchment and scribbles the floor layout as best
as he can remember, making sure to label ‘mirror’ and ‘PASSAGEWAY?’ in all caps for
emphasis.

It certainly looks long, and James doesn’t think he has enough time to explore it tonight,
because he really doubts that this would be where the kitchen is. He places the mirror back on
the wall and continues his casual pace down the hallway. That is, until a soft purring could be
heard behind him. James turns around urgently and spots a dust-colored cat that looks as
angry as a cat can get pawing towards him.

“Uh oh,” James mutters, and he runs.

———

Sirius had been given the biggest floor out of all of them, the ground floor. He quickly
realizes this included the courtyards, the Great Hall, every single corridor down there, the
greenhouses, and more. At least he could count out the courtyards and greenhouses for not
having a kitchen in them, it’s just a lot of ground to cover by one eleven year old boy.

“They couldn’t have two people on this?” Sirius whispers as he drags his way through the
halls, looking around with a lit wand. When they all get back, he will definitely complain and
ask one of the others to help tomorrow. By one, he means James.

The Courtyards are simple enough, with long stone halls surrounding a grassy area with a
fountain in the center. Not much to see. Continuing along after passing many armor stands,
he comes across four hourglasses with different gems in each. Red with the least, yellow and
green about equal, and blue with the most. They’re the house points, as Sirius soon realizes.
Gryffindor in dead last comes at no shock, with James and Sirius constantly losing them
points.

Woops.

He hums in disappointment and continues across the corridors, making note of only the big
paintings and tapestries. Who really cares about the details? Who would notice anyway?
Sirius stumbles across an old wooden door with scratches and other large dents in it, and
thinking it must be something interesting to look like that, he walks right in.
The room is completely devoid of people but does contain a desk, many drawers,
and...chains? He can’t imagine what that’s for. Sirius knits his eyebrows and scrunches up his
nose, leaning against the desk to draw in the room.

“Another caught in the act, ay?” A horrible voice drawls behind him. Sirius spins around
with wide eyes at the caretaker Filch, who’s holding James by the collar and accompanied by
a hideous cat. James’ eyes are very wide, obviously not expecting Sirius but also glad to see
him by the telltale sparkle in them. Filch drops James down into a chair at the desk, rasping,
“In my office, sneaking around like a bunch of marauders! I won’t ‘ave it...if only
Dumbledore still let me do the old punishments…” He grumbles to himself. “Sit.” Sirius
does.

He eyes James who looks slightly smug, a smile struggling to be hidden as he ducks his head
down.

“Sir—“

“Explain yourselves!” Filch yells, eye twitching.

James closes his mouth and blinks, staring at the caretaker blankly. “Well, I was about to, if
you would try to not interrupt me—“

“Boy, you have a lot of nerve thinking you can speak to me like that.”

James once again shuts his mouth with an unimpressed look. He leans his cheek against his
fist and glances at Sirius. “D’you think I’ll be able to get a sentence in?” he mumbles.

Sirius hums, leaning closer. “Dunno, James. He looks ready to pop a blood vessel.”

They are both very aware Filch can hear them.

James nods a bit vaguely. “Fantastic.” He then frowns. “I don’t know what that means.”

“…Seriously?”

“Enough!” Filch pounds a fist on the table, making them both flinch their heads back in his
direction. They fall silent with laughter hidden in their throats. “You are going to explain
yourselves and you are going to do it well.”

Sirius is still hiding a smile very poorly and inhales a deep breath to spout out, “Sir, we are so
sorry. I sincerely hope you forgive us for what we’ve done, the terrible crime of walking
around at night is truly unspeakable. We just got a bit lost on our way to the common room!
There are just so many stairs in this castle that we can’t keep track of where we’re going!
From the bottom of both of our hearts, me and James hope to get out of this with a mere…
slap on the wrist. You have a lovely cat by the way, what’s her name?” Sirius rambles, hoping
he’s dense enough for a change in topic to distract him.

Meanwhile, James can’t stop snorting with laughter even with his face in his hands,
desperately trying not to start howling of laughter.
“Very funny, I ought to give you a month's detention for this. I oughta….” Filch snarls,
pulling out James and Sirius’ files from a drawer with ease, like they were already on the top.
“James Potter, seven offenses. Sirius Black, four offenses. All in the first month of school!
My my…” Filch mutters.

James leans back with a close-lipped smile, impressed with his stats. “We’ll just have to do
better next month, Sir,” He says, definitely not meaning ‘better’ in the way Filch thinks he
did.

———

Remus and Peter decided a long time ago to go back up to the common room after neither
Sirius or James showed up at the Great Hall. They flop down on their beds, Remus letting out
a sigh of relief, his entire body feels like it’s falling apart. In a messed up way, he can’t wait
to get tomorrow over with so he can feel less achy for a few weeks.

“-and then I fell! Twice! There’s this weird disappearing step on the staircase behind the
tapestry,” Peter complains, he’d been stuck between the steps for nearly fifteen minutes.

Remus smiles a little, wondering what the other two had gotten up to. His curiosities are soon
answered as James and Sirius burst through the door laughing and clinging to each other so
hard they roll to the ground. Remus sits up and smiles at their ridiculousness, what idiots, he
thinks.

“Remus, Peter, you—you are not going to believe what happened!” Sirius sputters out
between wheezes as he clutches the bedpost for support. “So we get caught by Filch—“

“What…” Remus groans.

“No no it’s good, I promise! I find Filch’s office, and suddenly he’s lurking behind me and he
has James with him. So I’m all like ’bloody hell, mate what did you do to get caught’, and
James is all smart with him and I try to make a big formal apology and—“ Sirius gasps as
another laugh wracks through him. “So Filch was about to give us detention for a whole
month. It’s still fine, Remus don’t worry, there’s this Poltergeist named Peeves, he comes in
the room and starts throwing raspberries at the old man! He gets all purple and sticky and we
take the chance to run out as he’s distracted and now we’re here,” Sirius finishes with both
his arms flared outwards.

“We are definitely doing this tomorrow,” James jumps into his bed and tugs off his shoes,
throwing them across the room.

Oh. That’s definitely not good. What is he supposed to tell them? He hasn’t had time to think
of a new excuse yet. “I can’t, I—I have to go home tomorrow night,” Remus grimaces at the
horrible lie. Maybe he can still work off this.
 “Home? In October?” Peter asks. “I didn’t know you could do that.”

Remus shrugs, “Dumbledore said I’m allowed to because my...my Mum. She’s fallen ill and
—and I have to go visit her.” He feels horrible using his healthy and loving mother for
another one of his lies, but he needs something to work from. And this one he can tell every
month, he doesn’t think Hope would mind. It’s keeping him safe and that’s all she’s ever
wanted for him.

Sirius frowns. “Aw mate, that’s terrible, you didn’t tell us.”

“It’s quite recent.”

“When will you be back?” Peter asks.

“Probably the day after, don’t worry. Keep going on your nightly hunts for the kitchen,”
Remus smiles thinly at the three of them, hoping for the prodding to end.

“Oh, we definitely will!” James grins, nodding at Remus, “Wait, I didn’t even tell you about
this mirror I found!”

———

Chapter End Notes

Super fluffy chapter, I love this one so much. Next chapter is a bit short so I might do a
double update, we’ll see!
 First Year: The First Prank
Chapter Summary

The title’s got the summary sorted today.

Chapter Notes

This is a very short chapter so I'm doing a double upload! The 8th chapter will be put
out later today.

Words: 2.3k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 31, 1971

After two weeks of trying to find the kitchens, it’s Peter who finds it in a secret room in the
dungeons. It was completely accidental as well — he was dragging his hand along the hall
and just so happened to do it along a painting with a bowl of fruit. It almost swung open in
Peter’s face, and he was greeted by dozens of house elves.

That night, Peter told the three others about the kitchen behind the paintings, and since then,
they’ve been practicing the Colovaria charm. Sirius started doing it during class times, and
even changed Snape’s potion color by accident, giving him an automatic fail. After he did
this four times, Slughorn caught on and Sirius was given detention for it, but it was totally
worth it. By the end of October, all four of them managed to perfect the spell and can cast it
like it’s second nature.

“I say we do it tonight, at the Halloween feast,” James smirks, leaning back in his seat.
“They’ll never know what happened!”

Sirius looks up and grins cheekily, nodding his head. “You bloody genius, it’s perfect! I say
we tell the house elves that we’re just adding to the Halloween spirit.”

Remus can’t help but be drawn to Sirius’ enthusiasm, it’s a much better look than the
withdrawn complicated mess he was. The night they had first decided to do the prank, Sirius
told Remus what Andromeda wrote to him while in the common room.
“I told you I’d show you,” Sirius had smiled, handing the letter to Remus.

“No, actually, you raised your eyebrows and nodded, didn’t say a thing. I got it though.”
Remus unfolded the parchment and held it out.

Dear Cousin,

Thank you for reaching out to me. Welcome to the light, I’ve been waiting for the day one of
you woke up. I’m so happy I’m able to speak to a family member that doesn’t hate me,
especially my favorite cousin (don’t tell Regulus). I think it’s wonderful that you’re doing
what you want because that’s the most important thing in the whole world. You’re so very
brave, Sirius. You’re going to have to be brave for a long time now, but I suppose Gryffindor
makes perfect sense for you. You can never let your family manipulate what you believe in, I
was just like them until I opened my eyes.

I would still proceed with caution around her, however. I know she’s a dangerous woman.
When you get back home for the Holidays, don’t try to start anything, stay low.

At Hogwarts, you are free to do whatever you feel like. I’m perfectly aware that Narcissa is at
Hogwarts with you but I do hope you haven’t crossed paths with her. Besides her and her
soon-to-be fiancé, Lucius Malfoy, you have all the freedom to be yourself. Don’t get caught
up on what Walburga might think, because she won’t know. I hope you’re able to take this
advice to heart. Write back soon.

Love,

Andromeda Black

Remus immediately understood why he’d been so cheery and reckless as of the late. Said
recklessness will get him in trouble eventually, but who is Remus to stop him?

“When should we go?” Peter asks, snapping Remus back to the present.

“Actually, right now would be perfect. It’s only a few hours until the feast is done so we can
propose the idea to the elves and wait until they’re done!” James says excitedly. He jumps up
off the floor and grabs his wand to lead them out the door.
Surprisingly, no one is suspicious of four mischief-making boys running down to the
dungeons on a day without classes. Subsequently, no one is suspicious of those four boys also
standing guard at a wall with a painting of fruit while people pass by. When the corridor is
completely empty, they tickle the painting looking for the spot Peter did it in.

“I’ve done a lot of strange things, but this is very close to being at the top of the list.” Remus
shakes his head while rubbing the picture, hoping no one walks in on them.

“I swear it was like here— oh!” Peter squeaks and jumps back as the door swung open to
reveal a high ceilinged room and many frantic house elves. The painting makes a loud noise
as it finishes opening, causing all the elves to look at the four boys staring in shock.

“Peter Pettigrew, sir!” A tiny elf pokes out of the crowd and comes up to hug him, only
making it up to his stomach despite Peter being short himself. She has large bat-like ears that
stick upwards and huge brown golf ball sized eyes.

“How many times have you been here?” James asks incredulously.

Peter shrugs. “Only a couple of times, really. This is Fizzy!” He points to the small elf
pressed up against his belly.

James bends down to shake Fizzy’s tiny hand with two fingers and grins so hard his eyes
crinkle. “Hi Fizzy, I’m James!”

“Hello, James, sir!” Fizzy squeaks, equally matching his happiness. Remus supposes James
has a special liking for house elves, seeing how delighted he is to be around them. Sirius on
the other hand looks hesitant to actually talk to the house elves and stands off to the side.

The elves all get back to their frantic working while Fizzy lead them around the various
ovens and tables. “This here is Fizzy’s station, sirs” She arrives to the smallest table that
reaches mid-chest for her but is up to their knees. Laid out are different kinds of meats and
cheeses on multiple cutting boards.

“Wow, this is so cool!” James bounces in excitement, getting to his knees to continue talking
to Fizzy.

Sirius backs up and looks around stiffly. Remus notices and takes a few steps to stand next to
him.

“You all right?” He asks quietly, making sure he doesn’t catch James and Peter’s attention.

Sirius rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah. Not a house elf person. Didn’t realize.”

Remus nods and walks back to where the other two are talking with Fizzy. James is currently
proposing their big plan to turn the food different colors and she seems to enjoy the idea, but
will need permission from the other elves. She scurries on her tiny legs to whom Remus
assumes are the elves in charge. After a brief few minutes of talking, she comes back with an
excited look on her face.
“They says yes, sir! Only after the food is being put up on the tables, though,” Fizzy says and
taps her fingers together. “They is not wanting to get into trouble, sir.”

James narrows his eyes and itches a finger on his jaw. “You can get in trouble for that?”

Fizzy nods enthusiastically. “Of course, sir!”

She’s met with a pause and a frown. “Well that’s not fair, it wouldn’t be your fault. But
anyway, how would we change it if we can’t see it?”

“While you is up in the Great Hall, sir! Mitty is telling me that she is most excited for the
colors,” Fizzy cheers while hopping in place.

James looks back at Remus, Sirius, and Peter with a grimace. “Thank you, Fizzy, we’ll be on
our way now. It was nice meeting you!”

“Of course, sir! Enjoy the feast!” Fizzy waves as the four make their way out of the portrait
hole.

Sirius groans and Peter slumps against the wall. It looks as though all their hard work was for
nothing, it’s almost impossible to be that precise. Remus paces, thinking. But what if they
can still pull it off? It’ll be one hell of a job to know exactly what they’re changing when they
can’t see it, but maybe it could work. Each one of them could aim for a table and pick a color.
Risky, but it could work.

“All right, I have an idea,” Remus smiles.

The Great Hall fills up quickly, but the four of them were the first to come in. Twenty
minutes before anyone else, in fact. Lily seems to notice their look of anticipation and walks
up behind Remus.

“Why are you four here so early?” She asks sternly, giving Sirius, James, and Peter harsh
looks. “You normally come to meal times late.”

James snorts and shakes his head, “Always so suspicious, Evans. We’re just hungry for this
amazing food they’ve prepared for us!” He rubs his tummy and smiles with an aggressive
nod.

She looks between all of them while squinting her eyes. “You’ve been leaving the common
room after hours nearly everyday for weeks! You’re lucky none of the other Gryffindors have
told anyone because you’re terrible at sneaking out,” Lily says exasperatedly.

James smiles and tilts his head at her. “Aw, watching us, are you?”

“Hard not to when all you do is draw attention to yourselves!” Lily snaps and backs away to
sit down with Alice, Mary, and Dorcas.

Sirius sneers at her and rolls his eyes. “Lovely bird, isn’t she?”

Remus frowns. “She’s just been a bit upset at me lately, so she’s taking it out on all of us.”
Peter snort-laughs in disbelief. “No way! She hates us three and I’ve hardly ever talked to
her! She needs to loosen up, it’s exhausting.”

“Exactly!” Sirius throws his hands up as though waiting for someone to call her out. “Just
can’t leave us alone, can she?”

“Sirius—“

Remus is interrupted by Dumbledore who has his hands raised to quiet everyone down.
Remus is both extremely thankful for his timing and annoyed that he can’t defend Lily. They
haven’t spoken much recently, but he has been giving her a bit of a hard time. After everyone
settles, he lights two candles wandlessly and begins to speak.

“What a year it has been so far, nearly two months gone. Time seems to work in odd ways as
such. I won’t keep you waiting, however. Enjoy the feast!” Dumbledore claps his hands twice
and one by one food appears on top of the four tables. Steaming red meats, loaves upon
loaves of warm bread, fresh pumpkin juice, a very large assortment of sweets, and anything
else Remus’s heart could desire. He grabs at a chocolate bar and hides it in his lap where his
wand rests.

James looks at Sirius, who looks at Remus, who looks at Peter, who looks back at James.
They all nod once and discreetly pull out their wands. James aims for the Ravenclaw table,
Sirius to Hufflepuff, Remus to Gryffindor, and Peter to Slytherin. The hall is loud enough that
no one will hear them, it’s perfect.

“Colovaria!” They cast in unison, praying it works the way they hoped it would. Gasps
emerge from all around the room as things start to change colors. Remus looks down at the
Gryffindor table, everything seemed to have gone right and only the food changed color,
likely due to the proximity. Unfortunately, looking up, he can’t say the same about the other
houses.

Ravenclaw is near perfect, all the food a different color and only some students were hit.
Their hair contains streaks of bright purples and reds, only looking like a bad dye job.
Hufflepuff is much worse, the table is splattered in horrible maroons and blues and not all of
the food is different either. Some of the students are half blue. Slytherin is by far the worst,
and Remus can’t help but laugh. Not only was the table hit, so was every single student. All
of them. The vast majority are entirely covered in flashing neons and look like a bucket of
paint was poured over them. Peter looks petrified by his work.

James clamps his hand over his mouth and hits his forehead onto the table to hide his obvious
hysterics. Sirius falls off the bench laughing and nearly pulls Remus down with him as Peter
stares across the room frozen with wide eyes. Most of Gryffindor know who the culprits are
within seconds, as they are completely obvious.

“Look at Snivellus! He’s gone lime!” James wheezes and drops off the bench next to Sirius,
unable to keep his composure.

Almost the entire sulking Slytherin table clear out by the time Professor McGonagall makes
it to the four boys. None of them care as she hands them out detention for the next day, even
 Remus. It was so worth it.

———

NOVEMBER 1, 1971

It’s safe to say that the four boys quickly gain some fame for their prank the night before.
Throughout the day, other students came across them in the corridors and would yell ‘ nice
one’ or high five a very willing James and Sirius. Other students assumed Peter had poorly
done the spell on the Slytherins on purpose which he was congratulated for; putting him in a
very good mood. Remus got little credit for his work as no one ended up focusing on the food
and were busy laughing at everyone else instead. In fact, most people in Gryffindor didn’t
know he’d done it at all. They thought he was laughing because the other three did. Remus
did not mind one bit, it got him less detention time.

James is over the moon at his sudden burst in popularity, boasting to the other three about the
attention he’s been getting.

“It was me who came up with it, after all,” he smirks while tossing up a crumpled up piece of
parchment; letting it go up before catching it again.

“Actually, it was Remus. You should keep telling yourself that, though, maybe your head will
get so big it’ll just explode,” Sirius jokes.

Peter snickers at the other side of the room, shaking his head. “We all helped when you think
about it. It was Sirius’ idea to do a prank, Remus came up with the spell, James had the food
idea, and I was the one who found the kitchen in time.”

“But mine was definitely the most important,” James copes, throwing the paper ball across
the room onto Peter’s bed. “Next time, I wanna contribute more. Peter we can be on idea
duty.”

Remus sits up at this, straining his arms to push himself. “Next time? We’re doing this
again?”

James’s lips curl up into a mischievous grin. “Obviously.”

———

Chapter End Notes

I kept this very short and simple and everyone is so super cute in this one. I try to tread
lightly on the house elf topic considering how much I despise the way they’re written by
that woman. There will be more of them at random points throughout, but believe me
there will be no “they love enslavement” coming from me. Canon is mine and I will
bend it to my will.

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed!

 First Year: Sibling Trouble
Chapter Summary

Lily and Sirius exchange letters with their siblings. They also hate each other!

Chapter Notes

Second part of the double update! Hope you enjoy :)

Words: 3.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 3, 1971

Lily,

Stop sending me mail. I don’t want to see owls. I don’t want to hear from you.

Petunia Evans

Lily sighs and sits back on her bed. She’s sent at least five letters to Petunia and this is her
only reply since she left. She thought hopefully, maybe the day she left Petunia was just in a
sour mood, afraid to admit she’d miss her. But it doesn’t seem like it. It hurts having her own
sister hate her for something she can’t control. What would it take to fix the two of them?

“Hey, what do you look so down for?” Alice sits beside her with a concerned expression on
her face. Lily shrugs glumly.

“It’s my sister. We pretty much fell out ever since I got my Hogwarts letter.” Lily hands over
the small note like it weighs much more than it really does. “I sent her so many letters to let
her know how I was because she’s my sister and I still love her, and this is all she gives
back!”
Alice scans the parchment quickly and frowns. “She doesn’t sound very pleasant...how rude
of her. How old is she?”

“Thirteen.”

Alice hums in thought then puts the note back in Lily’s palm, encasing her hand with both of
hers. “I don’t think you should worry about her.. She might just be sore from the fact that
you’re a witch and she isn’t—“

“But she called me a—a freak!” Lily spouts angrily.

“Like I said, probably just jealousy, to be honest. Who wouldn’t want to be able to use magic
if they knew it existed?” Alice speaks softly while smiling. “Trust me, one day she’ll turn
around and realize she misses her little sister after all. It’ll happen one day, even if it’s not
soon.”

She nods slowly and gives a small smile. “Yeah, I think you’re right. I mean, I’m worried
she’ll hate me forever, but I don’t think she has it in her.”

“Not a lot of people do. She still loves you deep down, I’m sure of it.”

Lily looks at Alice for a moment, really does. She’s her friend, of course she is. But weirdly
enough, she feels special. Like someone had been missing from that place in her heart where
everyone dear to her goes, and now that spot has been filled.

“Thank you, Alice,” she says.

“Of course. If you ever need anything, I’m always here. But you knew that,” Alice winks and
gets to her feet, making her way to the door. “By the way, Mary and Dorcas are in the Great
Hall playing gobstones, do you wanna come with?”

“Sure!” Lily grins, already in a much better mood than before. She follows Alice out the door
to the stairs, the note abandoned on the bedspread.

———

Sirius looks up as a letter from a tiny brown owl drops in front of him, nearly landing in his
food. Who would give him mail that isn’t his family? It clearly isn’t the Black family owl,
nor any relative’s. They’d never use an owl this weak. This doesn't look like Andromeda’s
owl either, despite hers being brown, it’s also much larger. He picks it up with narrowed eyes
and stares at the back. It only states his name on the front in messy cursive writing.

“Who’s that from?” James questions while scarfing bacon down his mouth, muffling his
voice. Sirius shrugs, he really has no clue. “Well go on and open it, then!”
He stares at it for another second before carefully peeling the letter open, it’s a bit crumpled
as well.

Dear Sirius,

Walburga said I’m not to send letters to you, and if I used the family owl she would know. So,
impulsively, I have decided to use an owl I found on the street. Very improper, I know. Now,
this might sound odd, so bear with me. Happy birthday. Well, happy birthday if this reaches
you in time. This is a very bad owl I’m using. I just thought I’d say something about it, don’t
ask why. Is Gryffindor really what you wanted? Sorry, abrupt change, small paper. I expect
Gryffindor is much different than you anticipated. I know it isn’t your fault, though. If you’re
somehow able to respond, it would be appreciated.

Regards,

R.A.B

“Sirius?” Peter says, snapping Sirius out of reading it for the fifth time and he looks up to
find all three staring at him. It’s silent for a moment. “Who is it?”

Sirius smiles then looks back at the paper. “Just my brother. Asking how I am, stuff like
that.”

He reads through it a sixth time, and he almost wants to frame the paper and stick it on his
wall. His lovely stupid brother, defying Walburga to wish him a happy birthday, something
he’s never even done before. Happy birthday, who is he? Sirius bites back another grin just
thinking about it.

It’s clear that Regulus is under the impression that he’d wanted Slytherin and was forced into
Gryffindor, but that doesn’t even matter. Sirius doesn’t care. Because clearly, Regulus isn’t
mad about him being in Gryffindor, and that’s what matters most.

Peter raises an eyebrow. “This late? It’s been two months,” he laughs.

“Well, it was mostly Walburga—er—my Mother’s fault. Always keeping the owl busy, he
had to find a different one just to say hello!” Sirius grins a bit too widely that it gets
uncomfortable. He drops it.

Peter nods, glancing around. “Now, I hate to keep being nosy, but is Remus visiting his
mother again?”
Sirius shrugs, Remus didn’t tell them anything this time. It’s likely the case, but after missing
so many days of school, it’s become a concern to all of them. He doesn’t understand how
Remus is allowed to go home so often for just one day to see his mother. He’s not allowed to
use Floo, so how’s he getting around so quickly?

It’s none of his business of course, and he’s not about to ask Remus about it involving his
sick mother. Only thing is, he always says she’s doing fine when asked; so it just feels
irresponsible to miss so many classes for someone who’s fine, especially Remus, considering
how studious he is. The three of them have even started taking some notes for him with how
many classes he misses.

None of their professors seem to mind nor care about it, so he’s likely pardoned. It’s just all
so…strange.

———

“Make sure to add the powdered ginger root,” Severus mumbles to the redhead who looks
extremely concentrated on her potion making. She glances up at him and nods stiffly.

“Almost skipped that one, thanks,” Lily whispers as she takes a pinch of the maroon
substance and sprinkles it in. She didn’t nearly skip it, but it felt polite of her to thank him
despite the fact. Severus has been her potions partner since the first class, and she finds it as
much enjoyable as frustrating. They both have a gift for potions, but he has this thing he does
where he tries to help her when she clearly doesn’t need it.

She can hear giggling from the left behind her but she doesn’t dare turn around. Lily has
heard this same giggling in far too many classes to not recognize it as Potter and Black. What
is so funny about making a Cure for Boils? Lily can’t say.

She throws in the pickled shrake spines to the mix, still able to concentrate while lost in
thought. She thinks back to all the times she had told scary stories with Tuney in pillow forts
— or when they had been able to tell each other secrets. Lily hardly got scared, but when she
did, she’d go straight to her older sister who already seemed to be expecting her. It feels like
another life now, a life she was pulled away from where Petunia has been clawed up from
Lily’s desperate grasp to hang on. She misses it oh so desperately.

After adding the last few ingredients, the mixture turns a silvery color and there’s bright pink
smoke billowing from it. Lily smiles down at her creation — she loves Potions class, it’s a lot
like cooking back at home.

“Are you done?” Severus asks and holds up two flasks to her face. Lily nods and begins to
clean up her section of the table while Severus tips the cauldron to let the contents spill into
the two flasks. He brings both to the front to Slughorn who is always incredibly pleased with
their work, but also nitpicky because he knows their skills are at a level where he can be.
They needed just a touch more of the crushed snake fangs.

They’re on the way out from class when Potter quickly approaches them from behind. “How
are my two favorite people?” Potter exclaims with his arms outstretched over their shoulders.
He walks to the Courtyard beside her and Severus who are absolutely miserable in his
presence. Lily pushes his arm off and walks ahead, Severus following suit.

“Your favorite people?” Black and Pettigrew pop up behind Potter, an offended look on their
faces.

Potter holds in a laugh with a tight lipped smile. “Sorry, these two beat you out.”

“Peter, we’ve been replaced by a sniveling git and a mu—ginger. A ginger. That’s—that’s
outrageous,” Black quiets with a nervous chuckle. Lily isn’t sure why any hint of amusement
has dissipated from his voice in a second, but Severus definitely seems to know.

“What was that, Black?” Severus asks darkly. Black sneers at Severus and raises his
eyebrows.

“What was what?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Black scoffs. “Don’t think I do.“

“All right, Sirius…let’s not,” Potter whispers and tugs on Black’s sleeve to redirect them
away.

Lily looks between the four who are equally tense and is filled with confusion. It’s about her,
she’s sure of it. But what are they talking about? Why is Black so defensive?

Severus crosses his arms and leans away. “You really are just like the rest of them, aren’t
you? Thinking you’re so above your family, and yet. Can’t help but let Mummy’s words
slip.”

Black’s eyes go dark before pulling out his wand and pointing it at Severus’ face. With his
jaw clenched and eyebrows lowered, he’s intimidating in a way Lily didn’t know was
possible. She doesn’t think his friends have seen him like this either. Lily puts her hand on
her wand that rests in her pocket just in case. She hopes this doesn’t get physical, she doesn’t
even know why this is happening.

“Sirius, let’s go!” Potter raises his voice and grabs Black by the shoulders, pulling him back.
Sirius looks at him, eyes losing their fire, his fists clenched at his sides. He nods weakly, and
the three boys walk off, Black stiff in Potter’s hold.

“Run away, mutt,” Severus mumbles and slides down into their usual spot at the tree. Lily is
still glancing between them confusedly then sits beside him, dry grass scratching at her
ankles.
“Severus, what just happened? I don’t understand, why did you say that to him? What did he
say?” Lily interrogates.

Severus looks at her for only a split second, tapping his foot on the grass. “It doesn’t concern
you, don’t worry about it.”

Lily squints at him. She’s not stupid, and it makes something in her stomach turn that he
thinks so lowly of her. That was about her, and if Severus won’t tell her, she’ll ask Black. No,
not ask, demand. She will demand an answer.

———

Dear Reg,

Hello, I’m so happy to hear from you! Thank you for the happy birthday, I didn’t know I’d
like that from anyone. I appreciated it. I hope everything is well enough at Grimmauld Place
and that Walburga isn’t giving you a hard time now that I’ve been sorted into Gryffindor.
Please try to break rules less. If you can’t respond I won’t be upset, maybe worried, though.

L̶ o̶ v̶

Sincerely,

Sirius

Sirius shivers as he climbs up the West Tower to the Owlery, the freshly written letter in
hand. He desperately hopes that it reaches Regulus safely. What would he do if he got hurt
because of him? It would kill him, probably. Sirius is already tense from the fight earlier that
day, the last thing he wants to do is be a cause of Regulus’ pain.

The slip up is eating away at him a bit, as soon as he got back to the dorm room he wrote out
his response letter as a distraction. He can’t think about it or what Snape said. Because Sirius
is trying now, he’s trying so hard. Eleven years of learning the wrong thing, two months of
trying to reverse it, he’s only just started.

He can still hate himself for making a mistake like that. Evans should too, but she doesn’t
seem to know what he nearly said yet. That’s good, he supposes.

After picking out a particularly small owl to be unnoticeable, he ties the scroll to its leg and
lets the bird fly. He couldn’t tell Regulus how happy he is in Gryffindor and how he would
never pick Slytherin if given a second chance. Sirius thinks it would be too much for little
Reg’s brain.
As of today, Sirius is twelve — not that it really matters. He doesn’t feel any different nor
does he care. It truly shocked him when Regulus mentioned his birthday in the letter, it’s so
unlike him, unlike any Black.

Regulus has always been more reserved than Sirius, even before Hogwarts, which is saying a
lot. It was usually Sirius that got punished because whenever Reg did something bad, he’d do
something worse. Take the blame off the smaller boy, put the attention on him instead. So
Regulus going out of his way to defy their parents with no prompting involved is…
unexpected, to say the least.

He doesn’t think he’ll get a response from his brother, but that’s alright. Sirius doesn’t expect
a thing from him, not ever.

Sirius scuffs his shoes on the ground as he paces around the Owlery, kicking small pebbles
across the stone. Hogwarts already feels more like home than Grimmauld Place ever did. The
air doesn’t stick to his lungs and he can feel things. He can be mannerless, break rules, have
friends, say what he wants — it’s mind blowing. Of course, it’s all thanks to James, the
person who swayed his world view in just a few hours. What would he do without James?

His thoughts are interrupted as he walks into something solid and he stumbles backwards. He
looks at what he’s just bumped into and oh, Evans. They’re both frozen in place, looking at
each other with odd expressions.

“Do you…need something?” Sirius queries, raising an eyebrow. Evans holds a poorly hidden
envelope behind her back and her face looks like she’s been caught doing something she
shouldn’t be. As if bringing a letter to send off is a crime.

“No,” she says in a high pitched voice that basically says ‘I’m doing something I’m not
supposed to be doing’. Whatever, none of his business.

Sirius nods and continues walking while she stands frozen. He makes it about six steps before
she starts talking again.

“Actually, I have a question,” Evans says quickly. He slowly turns around and spreads his
arms out, inviting her to continue. “Not a question, just a statement. Tell me what you said
earlier because I have the right to know. Severus wouldn’t tell me and I know you would
because you clearly don’t care about my feelings. So you’re going to tell me.”

Sirius averts his eyes and feels his stomach churn. It’s absolutely terrible how right she is,
because he doesn’t care if she’s upset. It’s also completely selfish of him to think this, but it’s
more about him than anything. He isn’t supposed to talk like that, and he nearly did.

It kind of baffles him how Evans is so clueless about something he was raised on. The entire
core foundation of the Black family beliefs, and she has no idea. For a moment, Sirius thinks
that makes it all seem so futile, so silly. So meaningless.

He trudges his way back to her until they’re face to face, Evans challenging him to speak up.
“Well, here’s the thing,” He starts. “It’s complicated. I didn’t say it, not really, so there’s that.
It’s uh…well I know muggles all hate each other for various reasons. So think of it like that.”

Evans lightly shakes her head. “No, that’s not telling me, you’re dancing around the subject.
Beating around the bush. I don’t know if magical people have these idioms, but I’m saying
you’re not really answering me. You said something, and I don’t know what it is. You’re
going to tell me what it is or I’ll—I dunno, I’ll hex you.”

“I didn’t say something, I did catch myself, actually. James hasn’t done all that work for
nothing,” Sirius mutters to himself.

Evans raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms, scoffing at the ridiculousness of this whole
thing. Sirius agrees, this is quite ridiculous. “Would you just tell me?”

“Well, I was trying to say it nicely Evans, but considering sugarcoating is probably the last
thing someone as bitter as you needs,” Sirius frowns. “The word I almost said…and again,
didn’t actually say. Caught myself. It’s Mudblood. And that doesn’t count because you asked.
You’re born from Muggles, and you’re a witch. That’s what it means. Once again, I didn’t
really say it—“

“Okay, I get it! Is there something wrong with being born from Muggles?” Evans interrupts
looking slightly hurt.

Sirius finally feels a little bit of pity for her naivety. He grimaces and rubs up and down his
arms. “Well...yes...no? No. It’s a blood purity thing. I don’t think I’d have the time to explain
it all. To put it simply, I am a Pureblood, you are Muggleborn. I am from a long line of only
witches and wizards, you are from a long line of very regular Muggle people. Now, I know
we dislike each other but I’ll assure you it’s not because of what you are.”

That sentence sounds incredibly rude as it comes out of his mouth, and he grimaces at it.
Maybe James needs to put in some more work.

Evans scrunches her nose up and shakes her head. “That all sounds ridiculous. Blood purity,
we all end up in the same places anyway. But why do you dislike me? I do because you’re
obnoxious and hate my friends.”

“Same reason as you, duh,” Sirius chuckles. This girl is insufferable. “And first of all, I don’t
hate your friends. I hate your friend. I’m good friends with Remus, who’s disappeared
again...has he told you where he’s off to this month?”

She stares at him in disbelief of the sudden and very intentional conversation change. “No?
This month? Do you know where he went the other two times? I didn’t want to ask in case it
was rude or annoying.”

“You say a lot of rude and annoying things so I don’t think it would change much.” Sirius
raises both eyebrows in a slightly patronizing way. Evans rolls her eyes. “Anyway, yes I do
know what he was doing the other times. His Mother hasn’t been well. Maybe you two aren’t
as close as you thought! He hangs out with us way more than you now.”
 “Very funny, Black. Remus’s business is his and he doesn’t have to tell me anything. So I’ll
be off now, I have things to do.” Evans uncrosses her arms and approaches one of the owls in
the room.

“I’m Black, but he’s Remus?”

“Yes. And to you I’m Evans and he’s Remus. Same difference.”

Sirius bites his tongue from saying any more rude remarks, he thinks he’s done enough to the
girl for one day. So, with a scoff he turns around to the stairs, leaving her to send off her
letter.

———

Chapter End Notes

Interesting…reintroduction to Regulus who starts showing up more a bit later, Lily

learns about blood purity, and little sprinkles of things that develop over time. Also
Sirius and Lily beefing for no reason is so funny.

Hope you enjoyed!

 First Year: Discovered
Chapter Summary

Truths are being uncovered.

Chapter Notes

cw at the end note!

This is the final chapter that I had originally uploaded back in 2020, and 10 was fully
written but never published. So this means after the next upload, it’s entirely new
chapters I’ve never put out before!

Words: 4.9k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 25, 1971

“Alohamora!” Peter points at his lock that rests on the desk in front of him, the spell having
no effect. Charms is his worst class, he just can’t figure out the little details of the wand
movements. Herbology and Astronomy seem more fun, and he will definitely be taking
Divination third year. He’s got a knack for the overlooked subjects, which he supposes makes
sense.

His roommates are having a similar amount of trouble, Remus a bit less as he read the
textbooks before and paid attention. James is lazily flicking his wand at the lock, hoping that
his lack of efforts will be enough, too distracted by Sirius. Meanwhile Sirius tries too hard,
sharply moving and getting very frustrated at his lack of success.

Charms is with the Ravenclaws, and he thinks it’s completely unfair to have Ravenclaw in
the same class as Gryffindor, their brains just work differently. They pick things up and
remember them faster, the consequences of putting every kid who wants to be smart in the
same house.

What’s worse, is that there are always the same two Ravenclaws outperforming everyone,
Night and McKinnon. Two girls with an impeccable gift for charms and Flitwick’s favorite
students. They’re ahead of Peter by a mile, he can’t even get this stupid lock open.
He groans and lets his head fall into his arms rested on the table, making a soft thud sound.

“Completely understandable, this is a nightmare…” Sirius mumbles, dropping his wand onto
the desktop.

“Well, I’m getting better at it,” Remus says with a shrug and smiles a little, content with his
progress.

Sirius gives him a deadly look. “I’ll light your hair on fire.”

“If you ever actually figure out how to do the charm, go for it.”

“You’re testing me, Lupin.”

Peter tunes them out, glancing at James who adjusts his slipping glasses with a sigh.

“Mate, you alright?” Peter asks, eyes full of concern. “Bad sleep?”

James shrugs. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m a bit homesick. I miss my bed at home. And my mum.”

Peter is sure Sirius has never shut his mouth so fast, head whipping to look at James in utter
confusion. Remus lightly taps his arm and raises his eyebrows aggressively. They’re
communicating in some odd way and Peter tries not to feel left out about it.

Over the past couple of months, Peter’s picked up on the details and put the pieces together,
not that he wanted to. It’s just quite obvious Sirius’s home life isn’t great, if he’s trying to
hide it he does a terrible job. He isn’t going to tell Sirius, it’s clearly something he isn’t
comfortable talking about.

He seems comfortable with Remus, though. He’s definitely told James as well. Not that it
matters, of course.

Peter’s parents are well enough — a tad negligent at times but he understands, they both
work full time to get by. In fact, it was usually Peter who took care of his younger sister,
Felicity. He imagines they’re spending a handful of money on a nanny now that he’s gone.

He gets out of his head to glance over at Night, who’s repeatedly performing the charm on
the lock that McKinnon is expertly floating through the air. Peter lets out a loud groan.

“What a couple of show-offs,” Remus complains after class as he flops down on his bed,
taking a bite into a chocolate bar.

James lugs himself across the room to sit down on the edge of the bed. “They are
Ravenclaws, you know. No need to be fussy about it–“

“I’m not being fussy!” Remus retorts, raising his arms with a mouth full. “I just think it’s
unfair to us, we look so much worse compared to them.”
“That’s because we just suck!” Sirius chimes in from the other side of the room while digging
through his chest. Peter chuckles and sets his books down on his desk.

“Ugh, always the pesstimist, aren’t you?” James smirks, throwing a pillow at Sirius’s back,
making him nearly fall into the chest.

“Pessimist, James—“ Remus starts.

“Oh, is that how it is?” Sirius turns around with a grin on his face. He picks up the pillow and
sprints, leaping over to James and smacking him straight across the face with it.

They scramble until they’ve tackled each other to the floor, rolling around and play-fighting.
Peter and Remus glance at each other and shake their heads in amusement at their antics.
They’re always getting into stupid scuffles like this and soon, half the room has been
rearranged while the two idiots are still trying to get the upper hand. Peter thinks they’re
completely ridiculous, but it’s quite fun to watch.

The door is slammed open to a familiar face that is absolutely fuming. Frank Longbottom
stands at the door, breathing heavily. “If you two don’t shut up I will hex the absolute shit out
of you! I can hear you all the way from my dorm!”

“Woah!” James jumps up and waves his finger in Frank’s face. “You just swore in front of a
bunch of children! You know that? You twelve year olds think you own this place…”

“Do not!” Sirius whines.

“Do too! Anyway, whatever, we’ll be less… loud…I spose.” James shuts the door on an
angry Frank before whipping his head back towards Sirius. “Wait, you’re twelve? When was
your birthday?”

Sirius freezes and awkwardly scratches his neck. “Never?”

“Never?” Peter ridicules, laughing at the stupidity of it. Sirius nods and sits down on the
wrong bed, calmly opening a book.

“You’re not reading that, that’s mine, dummy,” Remus teases, earning a look from Sirius
above the book. “Book and the bed,” he mutters with raised brows.

“So, Sirius. You turned twelve but you also don’t have a birthday,” James says. “Is that
right?”

Sirius holds in a chuckle behind the book he clearly isn’t looking at. “Oh shut up, you lot.
Birthdays have never been something I care about.”

Peter’s jaw drops in shock. Birthdays are the best, he doesn’t believe his ears. His family
always gets together for his and gives him the best presents and cake, he’s devastated he’s
going to be away from them this year. “How could you not?”

Sirius shrugs. “Just don’t. Not a thing in my family.”

 ———

DECEMBER 1, 1971

It’s a cold night in Gryffindor tower, snow softly hitting the windows with the only thing
keeping the room warm being the fireplace. Two students are sunken into the armchairs doing
homework late at night — a habit they started a few weeks back. It’s always fairly casual, a
good way for them to just talk, which Remus appreciates.

“So, are you planning to go home for the holidays? See your family for a bit?” Lily asks.

Remus looks up from his parchment, wincing as his neck strains against his tense muscles.
There are two full moons this month including tomorrow, and his body is taking a heavy toll
for it. He isn’t able to go home, the second moon is during New Year’s and he can’t bring
himself to burden his family with that. “No, can’t. My parents are...out of the country.” He
comes up with.

Lily knits her brows. “I thought your Mother was sick?”

Remus gapes slightly, heart dropping. “Who told you that?” He mumbles, trying desperately
to keep his composure. He thinks he’s failing, because he can’t look Lily in the eyes, not
when he’s been caught in a lie.

“Black.”

“Since when do you talk to Sirius?” Remus laughs in disbelief. It seems just his luck that
Sirius and Lily finally speak to each other and it’s about him and his whereabouts. The only
thing that could mean to him is that they’re suspicious. There’s definitely no reason to talk
about where he is if they believe him. Remus starts to pack up his quill and inkwell, anything
to get out of this now that the topic has been brought up. It’s late, anyway. He can use that as
an excuse.

Lily shrugs and shakes her head. “We don’t...it was actually a terrible encounter. He’s not the
most pleasant person to talk to. But he mentioned your mum being ill and that’s why you
miss class. I just asked cause I assumed you’d be going home again.”

Remus bites his cheek and places his things in his bag, ready to leave the room and
conversation as fast as possible. “Yeah, well, my Mother is feeling better now. So, they’re
taking a trip to celebrate her recovery.”

“Without you?” She questions further.

Remus feels his composure spilling out by the second. She knows he’s lying. “Yes…?”
Lily nods slowly, rolling her scroll together and carefully placing it in her bag. “So. I’ll see
you tomorrow then?”

Remus could curse right now, in fact he’s going to. He’s fucking this all up and ruining it in
one swift and stupid conversation. What’s he supposed to tell her? What can he say at this
point? She’s not going to see him tomorrow, at least not for most of the day. “Not really,
actually—”

“But you just said your Mother is well again,” Lily says and looks at Remus with concern
and curiosity. “It’s remarkable how you aren’t falling behind, but to miss more class? I hate to
be so pushy, but is it multiple days again?”

Remus closes his eyes and nods, feeling his insides clawing at him. In a metaphorical and a
bit of a physical way as well, he’s on the verge of becoming that thing, but it needs just the
slightest bit of extra moonlight. That’s what tomorrow night is for.

“Remus, you’re hiding something,” Lily speaks softly.

Three words. Just those three words, and Remus feels nauseous beyond belief. Her voice is
so soft and kind and for a moment he feels like he could tell her anything in the world. But
that moment is gone as soon as it comes, because he feels physically ill. The second worst
case scenario has happened, no he’s not discovered, but she’s close. He can’t be Lily’s friend
anymore because she’s catching on. She’s going to get it soon if he isn’t careful. So this is the
end of them. It has to be.

Remus doesn’t say another word to her and starts up the stairs with a racing mind and heart.
What happens when—if James or Sirius or Peter become suspicious? Is that it? Does he have
to leave them behind too? What happens then? He lives with them, he can’t run away like he
is now.

He gets inside their dorm, heading straight for the bathroom and shutting the door. The lights
are off, and the only thing that shines through are the silver streaks of the moon taunting him.
Every joint in his body feels weak and everything about him is so messed up he could cry.
This isn’t fair on him, he didn’t ask for this, he never wanted this.

In another life, perhaps, he and Lily could have actually been friends. But not this one. Not
anymore.

———

Lily closes the door behind her to her dorm room, all of her roommates asleep. She paces
around, trying to think of what the reason could be that Remus keeps missing class. It’s
incredibly nosy of her, but she can’t help it, he lied to her face like she was an idiot. It’s very
obvious he’s making things up, none of the stories align. His mother is both ill and well, his
parents will be out of the country to celebrate her healthiness, but without their son who’s
been visiting monthly. And to top it all off, he won’t be in school tomorrow despite his
mother being healthy again.

She would think it a joke if Remus didn’t look petrified as he ran from her.

She sits on the windowsill, looking at the view of the ground below. There has to be a pattern,
but he never leaves on the same day, she’d notice that. But it is always around the beginning
of the month.

The rolling hills are coated with white powdery snow reflecting the nearly full moon through
the window. Lily sighs and rests her head on her forearms, taking in the sight. She abruptly
looks up at the moon again, almost by instinct. It’s not full, there’s a tiny sliver missing. Tiny
enough that it would be full tomorrow, the same day Remus won’t be here. He’s always gone
at the beginning of the month, and that’s when there’s usually been full moons. After
spending the amount of time she does staring out at the sky at night, you catch onto those
things.

Lily shakes her head, that’s just ridiculous, it’s a terrible coincidence. She doesn’t even know
if what she’s thinking about exists, it’s just something from books and movies at home.
Flashes of Remus’s scars go through her head as well as the limping and weakness when he
comes back from his ‘trips home’. And then there’s the blatant lying to her face and mixed
stories, which means it’s something he has to hide. Lily feels horrible for putting this together
and coming to such a conclusion.

But something is off with him, so blatantly off that she’s shocked no one else has noticed. Or,
maybe someone’s noticed but hasn’t pointed it out. She could check the library tomorrow
after her classes, perhaps there’s a book on what she’s looking for. Lily tries to lay down and
sleep, but her thoughts fill her mind to the brim with theories and ideas. Save them for
tomorrow, she thinks.

Defense Against the Dark Arts is the only class Remus ended up going to in the morning.
The rest of the day, he’s missing, just as Remus said he’d be. He looked horrible too, eyes
heavy from little sleep and none of his attention was being put on the class. His friends
looked concerned, but after a few wave offs, they left it alone. Lily won’t though, because if
she’s right, then maybe she could help him.

In the library, she picks out about a dozen books and plops them down, spreading them out to
give room for her parchment and quill. From Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them to
Moon Cycles and Why They Are Important, she’s gathered a wide variety of possible
information. If she ends up being wrong, that’s alright. There really is no harm in research
anyway.

To start off, a good idea would be to find out if they’re real in the first place, and that’s where
Fantastic Beasts comes in handy. She flips to the ‘W’ section near the end of the book and
stills. It’s written out right there, classified as an ‘XXXXX’ in perceived dangerousness of a
creature. According to the book, that’s the most dangerous of them all. Lily lets out a small
chuckle, tiny Remus Lupin an ‘XXXXX’ rated creature, yeah right.
She suddenly feels quite sick referring to her friend like that. Lily reminds herself that what
she is doing is only research, and this could mean absolutely nothing in the end. No harm
done.

There’s very little information on Werewolves in nearly every book, it makes Lily’s search
impossible. The most she gets is that they’re horrible dangerous creatures that need to be
killed or locked away. It makes her shiver, because none of the books seem to consider that
most of the time, the Werewolf is in human form. But there is nothing stated in the books on
how to take care of Werewolves when it isn’t the full moon, and hardly anything about them
being humans at all.

By the end, she decides to mark down the full moon dates from her Moon Cycles book for the
next five months. If he doesn’t show…well.

If her thought process is proven correct, what will she even do? Lily couldn’t possibly tell
him, he’d freak out and she doesn’t want that.

Of course, she could always be wrong, it’s best not to get ahead of herself. But what if she’s
right?

———

Sirius is going to lose it for two reasons — Regulus never replied to his letter, and the
holidays are coming up very soon. He knows he didn’t expect Reg to respond, but he really
hoped he would. No response could mean anything; Walburga finding out, him not liking
Sirius anymore, and best case scenario the bird never made it. He paces around the dorm
room, tugging at his hair that’s gotten longer than Walburga ever allowed it to be with it
starting to curl around his ears.

“Sirius, you alright? You’re pacing again,” comes a muffled voice from the bathroom. James
walks out with a toothbrush in his mouth, concern plain on his face.

He can barely hear James, his brain wracking through different thoughts and scenarios of
what could be happening back at Grimmauld Place. He’s been on a high from Andromeda’s
letter the past few weeks, and it’s all crashing down now. He doesn’t feel invincible anymore
and he doesn’t feel confident in himself at all. Sirius looks around the room, finding Remus
absent again, and groans. He bounces on the balls of his feet and repeatedly makes his hands
into fists.

“Hey!” James catches him by the shoulders and looks up at Sirius who immediately stiffens
up by the touch. “What's going on?”

“Holidays, James!” Sirius moans, going back through his hair with his hands. “I’m dead!”
“Why? What’s wrong with the Holidays?” James questions naively, as he clearly only knows
December as a time for celebration. It’s not fair.

“I have to go home, I can’t go home!” Sirius agonizes, still stuck in his own thoughts. He
turns back to Remus’s bed, despite knowing he wouldn’t be there. “Why is he always gone?!
Where is Peter?”

James blinks, squinting his eyes at Sirius in utter confusion. “Remus is visiting his mum
again and Peter’s in the common room with Frank I think. Why can’t you go home?”

Sirius hums in distress, knowing he hasn’t told James all the details yet — Remus is the one
who knows the most and he’s not here. “I’m gonna be in huge trouble when I get there, she
probably knows I spoke to Regulus, too! James I’m done for.”

James pauses. “Who’s Regulus?”

“My baby brother, you idiot!”

James raises his hands up in defense. “I’m sorry, you never told me! What’s so bad about
talking to your brother?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing, I should have that right. Except, Walburga thinks that I
shouldn’t be allowed to because I’m a bloody Gryffindor!” Sirius starts to pace again, waving
his hands around and shouting. James stands in silence, watching him yell with steam
practically coming from his ears.

“You know what I think, James? I think that she’s absolutely rotten! Despicable! A horrible
woman! The audacity she has could fill a damn swimming pool, I’ll have her know I speak to
her disowned niece, and she’s my new favorite cousin and I have many to choose from! I
would never tell her that, not in a million years because I don’t think I’d ever get let outside
again, she could probably take me out of school if she wanted and declare me dead because I
might as well be. Oh, and my brother, If she even laid a finger on my brother, I’m gonna give
her a piece of my mind! I don’t care if I get hurt in the process because punish me all you
like you nasty witch, my brother won’t get in trouble for something that’s my fault, that’s not
how this works!“

“Hurt?” James finally shouts, looking incredibly overwhelmed as ever. “Your mum?
Brother? What?”

Sirius groans loudly and sinks to the floor, burying his face in his hands. He shakes his head
and cards through his hair again—it is becoming a terrible habit. “You just don’t understand
it, your life is so nice—“

“Then help me understand. I asked you before and you backed out, but I’m not some jerk.
I’m your best friend! Please just tell me what it is, I want to help you,” James begs, sitting
with his arms around the shoulders of a tensed up Sirius.

He looks at James on the floor with him, and he feels stupid for not wanting to tell him.
There’s just something about someone who’s never known a difficult life finding out just how
difficult yours is. That’s why it was so easy to tell Remus, because he could tell he would
understand. He’s not like James, he’s not perfect. And he trusts James, of course he does, this
isn’t a matter of trust. He’s just scared.

James is the one who got him here, the one who has been guiding him along the rocking
ocean against the waves that keep hitting him. He worries that if the waves ever got too big
for him to handle, he’d abandon ship and leave Sirius to sink.

But here James is, sunken to the floor with him, and he’s still holding on. That means
something.

So, finally, Sirius starts to explain everything he’s been telling Remus for the past two
months. He doesn’t look at him, he doesn’t think he can yet. He realizes after a while that
James has stopped asking questions and only listens. It makes Sirius feel a small warmth in
his chest. It singes his insides, but in a comforting way. Does James feel that tiny flame all
the time? Is it any brighter? He finally looks up at James who doesn’t look at him with pity,
but with a new perception of his best friend.

“You don’t think I’m weak, do you?” Sirius mumbles.

James shakes his head solemnly. “Sirius, I don’t think I could ever see you as weak. Did you
think I would?”

Sirius sniffles and smiles a little, feeling so much appreciation for him. “I just…I wasn’t
sure,” he whispers before chuckling. “Thank you.”

“Don’t, you shouldn’t thank me.” James pulls Sirius in for…for a hug. He’s stiff in James’
hold, this is very new. It feels nice though, even if he can’t comfortably hold him back.

———

DECEMBER 3, 1971

Remus keeps his head low walking into the Great Hall, feeling multiple eyes on him. This
moon was one of the worst he’s had this year, lucky him — a brand new red streak across his
cheek to show for it. While barely concealing his very obvious limp, he slumps onto a bench.
He didn’t want to come here, in fact the first thing he wanted when leaving the Hospital Wing
was to lay down and sleep. But he needs food desperately, his stomach feels ready to cave in.

As soon as Remus settles down, Lily gets up and walks over with a pitying face. He wants
nothing but for her to go away and leave him alone with her pushy nosy self. He’s not in a
talking mood, his purpose here is to stuff his face and leave. She pushes herself between
Frank and Remus to sit on his left, huffing as she settles herself on the bench. Remus side
eyes her, piling a random assortment of dinner foods on his porcelain plate.
Remus eats quickly and roughly, noticing his three roommates looking at the two of them out
of the corner of his eye.

Lily tilts her head, her eyebrows furrowed at his lack of speech. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” he answers quickly, cringing inwardly at the way he sounds. To hide it, he shovels
another three forkfuls of eggs in his mouth. Remus doesn’t like eggs, but desperate times
after full moons call for desperate measures.

“That’s good. How’s your mum?” She asks in a light tone.

Despite her tone, there’s this underlying hint of mocking, at least there is to him. Remus
glances at her again, a warning. After their situation from last night, obviously she knows his
mum is fine. His heart beats in his throat, so Lily is just horrible then. She’s making fun of
him after catching him in a lie and calling him out in front of everyone here.

“Do you need something?” Remus retorts, putting his fork down and turning to her.

Lily seems completely aware of the fact that she’s making Remus uncomfortable by staring at
the new scar on his cheek. Because again, Lily isn’t stupid. Remus stares at her, looking
directly in her eyes. She knows something, she has to. If she doesn’t know, then she’s getting
close. He needs her out, but he can’t just say it.

“Evans, you’re making everyone uncomfortable,” Sirius sneers to get her attention away
from him. He has never been more thankful for an intervention in his life.

Lily finally takes her eyes off Remus before nodding, getting to her feet. “Alright. If you
need anything, you can talk to me.”

Remus would rather gouge out his own eyes. He says nothing.

———

It’s late at night, and Sirius feels very silly for what he’s about to do. When Remus came back
a few hours earlier, Sirius tried his very best not to stare, because he knows he hates that. But
something is very wrong, and he thinks he’s being lied to. Remus told him his parents don’t
give him the scars, but he’s just come back from home with a closed gash on his face. That
doesn’t just happen. Not to mention Evans acting weirdly and asking how his mother is. The
question would be fine if not for her intense stare at the cut on his face.

Maybe Remus just wasn’t comfortable telling him back then, which would be completely
understandable. He doesn’t feel owed anything, Remus is an incredibly secretive person. But
a one-sided lack of trust upsets him. Sirius thinks he deserves a bit better than that.
So, he crawls out of bed and walks over to Remus’s, still feeling ridiculous. He gently pushes
the curtains over a sliver to see if the boy is awake, and it’s hard to tell. He’s turned away and
the room is too dark to see anything else.

He whispers, “Remus?” Hoping he’ll reply.

Remus tilts his head slightly. “What?” he breathes.

“Can I um…can I come in?” he asks. He’s done this with James before, it shouldn’t feel so
stupid. “I wanna talk.” He gets a side glance, similar to the venomous looks he shot at Evans
before. They would’ve been funny if he didn’t look so genuinely angry with her. “If—if not
that’s alright.”

Remus turns fully, wincing while doing so. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just—uh—well. Could I just?”

“…Fine,” Remus mumbles, scooting over and making room for him.

Sirius smiles and climbs onto the bed beside Remus. He pulls out his wand and mutters a
quick Imperturbable Charm on the curtains to keep all the sounds in and not disturb anyone
else.

Remus sits up then, looking at him quizzically. “When did you learn that?”

“Oh, James and I learned it so we could talk without waking you and Peter up. And yes, we
read a textbook for it.”

“That’s the most surprising news I’ve heard all week. You read?” Remus jokes. “Anyway,
what’s wrong?”

He realizes quickly that Remus thinks he’s having an issue, when no, surprisingly he’s alright.
In one sentence, he’s about to ruin any joking mood Remus is in. “It was about you, actually,”
he says.

And there it is, Remus tenses up and looks away from him. “Well, I’m tired, I’m not in the
mood. You should go to sleep.”

Sirius shakes his head. “No, it’s just, I feel like you lied to me about your parents,” he admits
bluntly. He’s not good at comforting or confrontation, so he goes into it head on.

That doesn’t help at all, clearly. He makes space between the two of them and looks at Sirius
with wide eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, you always come back from home looking like you’re in pain. I can get it if you lied
to me on the first night we made up, but don’t you trust me at least a little bit?” Sirius
stresses. “I—I mean I’ve told you like a lot about what goes on with me, you know I
wouldn’t judge you or anything.”
 There is not a millimeter of comfort found in Remus’s eyes, he just continues to stare at him.
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here, Sirius.”

“I’m saying you went home yesterday and came back with a scar on your face!” Sirius
whispers aggressively despite the charm he placed. “You’re so secretive, but I understand this
one. I can y’know—help you get through it like you’ve been helping me.”

Something clicks in the boy across him, his shoulders release their tension and his eyes
soften. For a moment, Sirius thinks he’ll open up about it. He can have someone to relate to,
not just lean on.

But he just shakes his head slowly. “Sirius, my parents don’t hurt me, they would never do
that. You’ve got it wrong, okay. Do you want the truth?”

His stomach flips. “Yeah.”

Remus sighs. “My mother isn’t sick. She never was.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” he says simply. “I used it as a cover up, because I’m sick. I’ve got an illness, and
some days it’s worse than others, so I go to the infirmary for the day. The reason why I went
this time is because I was dizzy, and I fell on my face. That’s why I have the scar.”

“Oh,” Sirius breathes. That all makes sense then, of course it does. Obviously he wouldn’t
want to admit that he’s ill, not to his new roommates he didn’t know well yet. “Well, I’m
sorry, I’ve just been really pushy.”

“No big deal, it’s alright. Just don’t tell the others, for the same reason you don’t tell them.”

“I told James,” he admits quickly. “Sorry, not meaning like—you don’t have to tell him, I just
wanted to let you know. Cause I did. It felt good actually. He gave me a hug though, which
kind of freaked me out. Anyway, no I won’t tell them.”

Remus smiles a little and nods. “Thank you, Sirius.”

“Don’t,” Sirius says. “I’m just doing what’s nice.” He gets to his feet, satisfied from their
conversation. “Goodnight,” he whispers.

“Night.”

———

Chapter End Notes

(cw for minor parental abuse mentions)

Okay, there is so much going on this chapter. I actually didn’t realize until just now. But
from Lily catching Remus’s lies and him friendship breaking up with her to Sirius
telling James about his home life to Remus making another layer of lies for Sirius, yeah.
Big things happening. Also, Sirius’s huge rant was very fun to write I got to take out my
own anger on his mother. Hope you enjoyed!
 First Year: Holidays On Ice
Chapter Summary

Holiday break incoming…

Chapter Notes

Final chapter I wrote in 2020, after this everything is completely brand new. Thank god.

Words: 4.1k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 20, 1971

Getting buried alive would probably feel better than how Sirius does now.

The weight of having to return to Grimmauld Place settles upon his shoulders uneasily. His
trunk is packed and locked tight with a plan on keeping everything important in Hogwarts in
case they get taken away. His mind runs through the same few thoughts he’s been stuck on:
how it’s been weeks since he sent the letter to Regulus with no response, what could happen
when he does go home, and the severe and utter disappointment he’s going to become for his
parents. Sirius doesn’t mean to get caught up in it all, but he does think about that last one a
lot.

He tries not to, not when he’s made so much progress, but he’s the heir of the House of
Black. He’s not just some kid, he is expected to follow after everyone that came before him
and inherit the house to pass it on to his own pureblooded children.

It sounds like a miserable life, the one his parents set for him.

How different is he from them, really? Snape caught on that he’s just like the rest of them at
the end of the day. Perhaps he’ll go back and every bit of progress will completely unravel,
leaving him at square one all over again.

A thought shoots up in his mind and takes him off guard. Orion, his father. He hasn’t spoken
to Sirius since the day he left for Hogwarts. The silence is loud enough that Sirius gets the
message. He isn’t wanted, not in the way he wishes to be. Not until he proves himself again.
Does he want to prove himself?
With a heavy sigh, Sirius pulls himself out of bed in order to go to the Great Hall. He did tell
the other three he would catch up with them, after all.

There’s nothing more obvious than how anxious Sirius is feeling, nothing on his plate and a
gaze stuck on the table. The air lays thick on his skin, coating him in a blanket of nerves, he
feels back at home already.

James and Peter are talking about complete nonsense, quietly giggling and trying to hide it
with their drinks. Remus sits quietly beside him with his chin resting on his hand, moving the
waffles on his plate around with a fork. They both seem to be in a state.

After James starts tearing up from laughter, repeatedly hitting his knee with his hand, Sirius
pushes his plate away and stands up. He isn’t hungry anyway. All three put their attention on
him. James coughs and wipes his eyes, looking up at Sirius with concern.

“You all right, mate?” James asks.

Sirius shakes his head slightly and trudges his way out of the Great Hall in silence. His legs
feel like dead weight pulling him down. Why is walking so difficult? He leans against a wall
in the empty corridor he’s found himself in and slides to the floor, leaning his head back and
shutting his eyes. Sirius feels pathetic. ‘Can’t even handle a nice little lecture from Mummy,
can he?’ he unfortunately hears in Snivellus’s voice. Ugh, that rat.

The early golden light leaks through the high windows in sections, splitting Sirius between
the light and shadow. He feels quite warm in the light, so he moves over.

A sudden creak alerts Sirius that he isn’t alone and shoots his head up to find who’s just made
the noise. He spots a glimpse of his Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Mortamissi.
He’s an average sized man with very little memorability about him. His classes aren’t very
practical, mostly copying notes with written assignments. Remus complained about how they
aren’t getting the proper education at least once or twice, the nerd.

Sirius readjusts his tie as he puts both feet on the ground to follow behind the curious man.
He isn’t sure why he’s compelled to do this, but he decides to follow his gut. He darts to hide
around a corner when Mortamissi glances back before closing a door behind him, a lock
making a soft clicking sound that echoes through the corridor. Sirius raises an eyebrow, but
spares any questions for another time.

He’s curious, but not that curious.

———

Remus tosses and turns in his sheets that feel wrong against his skin — he’s never been away
from home for Christmas. And it’s all because the full moon falls on New Year’s eve. It isn’t
fair, none of it is. He’s going to be spending the holidays alone, with only the company of the
thing he hates most.

But he’s not the only one that’s going to have a bad holiday, what about Sirius? He’s been
going through various states of panic for weeks, and they haven’t had much time to talk about
it. They both have it bad, really.

As if the boy could hear Remus’s internal thoughts from across the room, the curtain is
shoved aside to reveal a sleepy Sirius. His hair is getting longer by the day but now rests
messily on top of his head. He doesn’t need to say what he wants, it’s quite obvious.

Remus stares at Sirius for a moment then lets out a deep exhale, moving over to give the
other room. He shuffles onto the covers across from Remus and gives him a stare with knitted
eyebrows.

“You were really quiet today, what’s up?” Sirius nudges him after a quick Imperturbable
Charm.

“I was quiet today?” Remus repeats. “I haven’t heard you speak once.”

Sirius shrugs one shoulder and worries at his lower lip. “Well, you know my issue. What’s
yours?”

Remus chuckles and looks down at his lap, too many issues of his to keep track of.

“Well for one, I have to stay here for Christmas. It’s gonna be pretty lonely,” he mumbles.

“Why?” Sirius asks with concern lacing his voice.

Remus wracks through his brain to come up with a good lie, but remembers he can play it off
with his ‘illness’. That lie was probably the best thing he’s come up with in a while, because
it’s believable and can be put up with consistently for years. It’s not far off from the truth
either, he is sick, diseased with that thing for the rest of his life.

“I need the Hospital Wing here,” he says, not feeling guilty this time since none of the words
coming from him are lies. “My home doesn’t have the resources they have here, so my
parents thought it best I stay. For my health, y’know.”

Sirius makes a small noise of understanding and sympathy. “Well…How about this? Maybe,
if I can get my lovely mother off my back, I can stay here for the holidays next year.”

“Would you really?” Remus asks with a smile, aware neither could see much. He can tell
Sirius is smiling back, though. Somehow. It feels nice, being two sleep deprived boys making
plans together despite their faults.

“Yeah. Would rather spend it with any of you than her. Our holidays aren’t even celebrations,
y’know. No presents, just a stupid family gathering where everyone makes snarky remarks
about each other’s lives. Miserable,” Sirius says.
That does sound miserable. Remus’s holidays were always lovely when they could be. The
whole being a Werewolf thing has its perks sometimes because his parents would give him
really nice gifts out of pity. They like him being able to enjoy at least some parts of the year,
and he did. He’s denying himself of that this time, but he just can’t bring himself to put more
on them. They deserve a break.

As Sirius starts to shuffle back out of the covers Remus mutters, “I hope nothing goes wrong
tomorrow, you don’t deserve that.”

“…Thank you, Remus.”

———

DECEMBER 21, 1971

The Hogwarts Express has stopped in front of the hundreds of students carrying luggage, and
Lily feels ecstatic. She didn’t think she’d be so excited to go home, but she is. In her hands
she clutches a large bag of things she wants to show her family—ones that won’t get her in
trouble of course. She is well aware of the rules.

Lily spots Severus with a few other Slytherins in the crowd and speeds towards him to tap his
shoulder. He looks at her out of the corner of his eye and turns back to Mulciber and Avery to
whisper something. Lily frowns, is he ignoring her?

The two of them cackle, one shouting, “Have fun with the Mudblood!”, then both board the
train, leaving Severus alone with Lily.

She furrows her brows, looking away and frowning harder. These are the kids Severus hangs
around? She feels a sharp flicker of anger in her chest, knowing what that word means now
thanks to Black. She can’t believe she’s thanking Black for anything, actually.

He turns back to her, a tense look on his face. “Sorry about that, don’t worry about them,”
Severus starts, looking genuinely annoyed at their comments. It’s slightly calming, but only
slightly.

So Lily shakes her head in annoyance. “No, I think I will worry about them, why are you
friends with people like that?”

“We have the same dorm room, I can’t not be! I don’t control what they say.” Severus looks
offended, but Lily isn’t finished. She thinks about what Severus told her over a month ago,
the complete utter lie. She hasn’t brought it up with him because she never found the time,
but now seems perfect.
“Alright then explain to me why you said that the word Mudblood had nothing to do with
me! I had to learn what that meant from Sirius Black! How am I supposed to know that you
don’t call other people that word when I’m not around? Or even me?” Many others have
caught onto the scene, she is yelling in the middle of a crowd after all.

“I haven’t and I wouldn’t. I would never do that to you. Now stop it, you’re making a scene!”
Severus whispers harshly, eyeing the people watching them.

Lily scoffs. “I don’t care, your friends are bad people and—“

Alice abruptly runs through the crowd over to Lily, grabbing her by the shoulders. “Alright,
you can get your anger out on the train with me, you’re being watched by a lot of people right
now,” she whispers and guides Lily to the train entrance away from Severus.

“I was in the middle of something,” Lily mutters to her as they walk to find a compartment.

“Yeah, a big crowd of drama thirsty students, talk to him about it over the holiday, you live
near each other anyway.” Alice pats her on the back and guides her to Dorcas and Mary.

They’re in their own room counting their chocolate frog cards across from one another. They
put their bags up in the storage spaces before settling in, and Lily finally calms down.
Eventually, she and Alice join in on the card collecting conversation.

“How did u get so many? I’ve only started a couple weeks ago,” Mary pouts while showing
her small deck of cards that could easily be held in one hand.

Alice laughs, holding up one of the three stacks neatly organized in a tin. “I’ve been
collecting these bad boys for years! I can’t be beat. Not even by you, Dorcas.”

A knock sounds on the glass of their compartment door and Lily turns her head towards it.
Oh. Night and McKinnon, the two smartest people in their year. She’s jealous just looking at
them.

Night is a girl with cropped silver waves, tan skin and freckles dotted on her nose. Her eyes
are pure black and she’s got this kind smile and round glasses that rest on rosy cheeks as
well, so she’s not just smart, she’s pretty too. It almost makes Lily angry.

McKinnon on the other hand has a long blonde ponytail that’s quite a mess and falls over
brown eyes. There’s an athletic sort of look to her despite how she’s a genius, and once again,
Lily finds herself filled with jealousy.

McKinnon smiles and waves while Dorcas opens the door for them. “Hey, I’m really sorry if
I’m intruding but we can’t find an empty compartment and we’ve seen you four in our
classes and—“

“It’s no worry, you can sit here!” Mary grins and pats the spot next to her.

“Goody,” McKinnon whispers to herself. “Thanks!” She laughs as she and Night slide in the
room.
Lily shouldn't dislike them since they do seem sweet, her jealousy just gets the best of her in
these situations. She’s a competitive student, apparently. Suddenly, a hand is being stuck out
across from her looking for a handshake. Lily tilts her head up to look at Night who’s
beaming at her.

“Hi, I’m Cynthia! Cynthia Cordelia Night, stupid fancy name, you’re Evans, right?” The girl
smiles at Lily, making the redhead knit her eyebrows.

Well, she should be nice, what would the others think? “Yeah, I’m Lily Evans, happy to meet
you.” She takes Night’s hand, shaking it and quickly pulling her hand away.

“By the way, I thought it was really brave what you did out there, standing up for yourself
against one of those Slytherins. See, I’m pureblood myself but I cannot stand people like that,
and I’ve definitely never had the courage to yell at them! You’re meant to be in Gryffindor,”
Night compliments, and despite the insult to Severus, Lily’s jealousy seems to melt away and
is replaced with a smile.

McKinnon nods vehemently. “Oh yeah, I saw it. I’d probably yell at him, to be fair. But I’m
no Gryffindor, that’s happening in private, thank you very much. Or I’d blackmail him.
Anyway, Marlene,” she finishes, giving a handshake to all her roommates. A few of them
giggle at her statement and decide to continue their conversation from before.

“So, Marlene and Cynthia,” Dorcas grins. “How’s your chocolate frog card collection?”

Cynthia waves a hand and shrugs. “Not too into—“

“I am!” Marlene interrupts, throwing her backpack into her lap and pulling out a stack of
cards. “Forty-five different ones. I’ve got some rares too.”

“Ooh…” Alice coos. “Looks like I’m still the winner, sixty-eight.”

———

The morning air is brittle and gray, making Sirius shiver under two layers of clothing. He
holds tightly onto the cold handle of his trunk while walking to the train; James on his right
and Peter on his left. They’re already a bit late so the other two try to be as optimistic as
possible, nothing seems to land with him though. He’s gone impossibly quiet.

They walk all the way to the end of the train and find no open rooms, earning a loud groan
from Peter. To their surprise, the door on their left slides open, Frank Longbottom poking his
head out.

“Hey, you three! I got you a spot cause I noticed you were late. Eric’s also here, but it won’t
be a very tight fit,” He grins and gestures his head inside letting them come in. It’s the same
compartment that he, James, and Remus met in. Funny coincidence.
“Yes! Thank you Frank, you’re a lifesaver.” James pats the taller boy on the back as he makes
his way inside, tucking his luggage away in storage.

“Oh, well come now, just being a good friend.”

Sirius offers a small smile and leans his head against the window, looking back out at
Hogwarts. It looks so small from where he is now. He hopes Remus doesn’t have too much of
a terrible time without them, it’s sad he can’t go home because of his illness. He really meant
it when he said he’d try to stay at Hogwarts next year with him. Unfortunately, that does also
mean he has to find a way to get Walburga to not even want him around anymore, which
definitely scares him. What would that take?

At the thought of home, he lets his mind wander to Regulus and feels less hopeless. He gets
to talk to him in person again, Godric he missed talking with his first ever friend. They grew
up together and have only sent one letter to each other in nearly 4 months, it upsets him
deeply. He doubts Walburga would make it so Sirius couldn't even speak to Reg in person.
She can’t ban speaking, that’s ridiculous.

“All right, I say we do a little prank,” James exclaims as he dumps out the large supply of
sweets he just got from the trolley. Sirius didn’t even notice he’d left.

Peter perks up at this and grabs a licorice wand to suck on. Sirius glances over but doesn’t
say anything, Frank and Eric seem intrigued though.

“What kind of prank?” Peter asks, slightly muffled from the candy.

James gazes out of the window at the cold sky with a glint of mischief in his eye. He turns
back to the two others and smirks.

“Do you four know how to cast any ice related charms?” He eyes them all intently, all
looking intrigued. James leans them over into a huddle to discuss the plan.

———

The train chugs along the tracks, thick black smoke pouring out from the chimney and
disappearing in the air. James stands in his section of the train with a grin plastered to his
face, wand out. As they pass a certain landmark James begins casting the incantation with his
wand pointed down at the floor.

Instantly, it is covered in a thick layer of white ice, the perfect kind for skating. Shouts come
from throughout the train and many poke their heads out with caution.

Alice Fortescue is the first to step out and then Dorcas Meadowes follows behind her. Soon, a
few more people poke their heads out of their rooms to enjoy their makeshift ice skating
rink.
“Potter!”

James’s head flicks over to the high pitched voice that belongs to his favorite redhead. She’s
struggling to walk and is holding onto the wall for her dear life. James chuckles at the sight.

“Why’ve you just put ice everywhere, I can’t—I can’t even stand!” Lily complains as her feet
start to slide backwards. She grabs a better hold of the wall to keep herself from falling on
her bum.

“Oh come on Evans, this is fun! Everyone is enjoying themselves, look around you. Don’t be
a downer.” James does an ambitious spin and slides closer to lean on the wall next to her. Lily
stares at him in disbelief.

“How did you just do that? Or—no do this even? Are Black and Pettigrew in on it?”

“Don’t forget Frank Longbottom and Eric Jones! They’ve probably done most of the work
since they’re older,” James adds with a smile.

Lily sighs and looks down. “Well now I’m stuck, and I think if I move in any way I will fall
and die, so thank you.”

James holds a hand out to her. “Well I’ll gladly take you back to your compartment if you’re
feeling like ruining the mood,” he says slyly.

“Absolutely not—“

“James!” Sirius calls out and waves from the other side of the train section.

“Merlin, I am just so popular today, aren’t I?” James mutters to Lily then shoots his hand up
to wave back. “Hi Sirius, it worked brilliantly!”

Sirius slides across the ice and catches himself on James’s shoulders, making both of them
stumble. He looks happier than he’s been in over a week and James couldn’t have grinned
harder about it. Mission accomplished, because this is no prank, of course it isn’t. It’s a gift.

Night, that Ravenclaw girl, pushes herself over to Lily and looks across at the two boys, her
eyes twinkling in delight. “Was this you two?” She asks.

“And us!” Peter, Eric and Frank pop up behind James and Sirius, sending them into a shock.
James loses his footing, yelps, and accidentally drags Sirius down with him, leaving them in
a pile on the thick ice. They laugh the entire way, becoming a cold and damp mess.

Lily snorts and hides her face in her hands, not realizing she’s taken them off the railing
before starting to lose her balance as well. Lucky, Night catches Lily by the hand and torso to
pull her back up while giggling at her clumsiness.

“It’s fantastic,” Night exclaims. “Thank you!”

James is sore just about everywhere and cannot get back up for the life of him, but can’t take
the smile off of his face. People are laughing and the train has never felt so cheerful. Even
Lily doesn’t look so annoyed anymore. And best of all, Sirius is finally happy, and that’s all
he had hoped for.

———

Everyone is back in their compartments by the time the train comes to a stop. After about a
half hour of joy, the ice was melted away by some Slytherin Prefects since it was a ‘hazard’
to others. Sirius thinks it’s just because Slytherins are scummy party killers. He doesn’t think
he’s had that much fun in weeks, and of course, it was thanks to James. He owes everything
to him at this point.

He glances out the window and his eyes land directly on Walburga standing with her nose
turned up and her beady eyes staring right at the train. Oh. Right. He doesn’t think a mood
has ever soured so quickly before. Sirius tugs off his loose Gryffindor tie and stuffs it in his
bag, his heart racing and palms clammy.

“It’s gonna be alright,” James reassures him quietly, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

Sirius doesn’t believe him but likes James’s optimism anyway. If not for James, then he’d be
some stuck up Slytherin git like Snivellus. He’d probably be friends with Mulciber and end
up the victim of his own pranks. In another life, Peter turns him bright orange and he hates
everyone involved for ruining his perfect look.

Merlin, he’d hate every second of it. Is parental love worth being miserable?

Sirius shakes his head from his thoughts and hops out of the train. Before he can even turn to
say goodbye to the others, his arm is grabbed by cold bony hands. He catches a flash of her
gray eyes before he’s spinning and his vision stretches wide, insides becoming jumbled. He
opens his eyes and suddenly he’s back outside Grimmauld Place. Home. Sirius puts his hands
on his knees and leans over, feeling like he could hurl.

“Give me a warning next time…” Sirius squeezes his eyes shut hard to ground himself and
then stands back up, swaying a bit. He gets his first look at Walburga, and she isn’t looking at
him.

“Don’t speak to me like that. Get inside,” Walburga says sternly, opening the front door for
him, hardly a courtesy.

“Yes, of course,” Sirius mutters quickly and enters those dark walls for the first time in
months. Moving from a great castle with bright colors and lively people back to his dark
house with some of the worst people imaginable immediately puts weight on his chest. He’s
never felt whiplash like this in his life, just an hour ago, he and James were slipping around
on ice watching mountains pass by.
 Sirius looks down the tight hallway leading to the spiral staircase on the left. His eyes soften
as he looks up, because Reg is somewhere up there. The sooner he gets upstairs, the sooner
he’ll be able to talk to him. Walburga stops him before he even gets to the bottom of the
staircase.

“You will not leave your room unless you’re told, you will not speak to Regulus, and you will
not be sending letters to any of your friends from school. Understood?” She orders.

Sirius bites his tongue, and looks away, he feels so powerless like this. He forgot that she
really can ban him from doing things, and confidence just doesn’t exist here. Not with her.
Why did he ever get his hopes up? “Yes, Walburga.”

“Now get to your room,” she snaps, watching Sirius drag his luggage up the stairs by
himself.

He drops the suitcase on the floor once he gets inside and shuts his door as softly as he can. A
tear threatens to fall from his eyes and he looks down again in shame. He can’t cry, not now,
not here. The next week will be one the worst of his life, Sirius knows Walburga will make
sure of that. Crying can wait.

———

Chapter End Notes

This was a very fun chapter to write! Little angst but nothing really. Remus lies some
more, I hope this has no repercussions soon. :). Lily’s starting to get into problems with
Severus because of his awful friends, and you tell his ass off. Go you. Don’t worry about
her jealousy of other girls she’s not misogynistic. It is not jealousy. Love Marlene,
unfortunately she isn’t very relevant yet but we get to see her for the first time! Fun!
Also the ice skating was so cute James is the sweetest, everyone loved it (even Lily if
she didn’t wanna admit it). Lastly, Walburga you punishing your son by cutting off all
contact he has with the world will surely make him come back to your side again.
Obviously. You’re so smart.

Hope you enjoyed!

 First Year: Gift
Chapter Summary

The boys are back from break, but Sirius is off again.

Chapter Notes

Posting a bit early cause I’m bored. Enjoy!

Words: 3.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JANUARY 4, 1972

In Remus’s two week solitude he’s managed to get through every first year textbook and then
another from the library. He redid his bed four times and cleaned the entire room which was
much worse than he thought it was. Shoes thrown everywhere, clothes, paper, wrappers, it
was a complete nightmare. He started talking to the ghosts. They aren’t very good company
when they can walk right through you.

He also found a way to give his three roommates late Christmas presents, because he couldn’t
exactly buy anything. So instead, he made drawings with the crayons Peter left over, and they
aren’t half bad considering his lack of artistic skill.

He made James a drawing of him on the Quidditch team with the golden snitch in his hand,
knowing he’d like that. He drew Peter a kneazle because Peter wants to take Care for Magical
Creatures in third year. For Sirius, he made a picture of all four of them together with smiles
on their faces. It’s silly, but he thinks that’s what he wants most. He’s quite proud of himself.

The full moon on New Year’s Eve was surprisingly one of the easier ones since he got to
Hogwarts. He’s thankful for that, especially after the hell his body put him through early
December. The only new mark took him a while to find, just one small red line on his right
calf.

But, it’s safe to say he is bored out of his mind. He actually ended up meeting some people
during meal times since there are so few that stay at Hogwarts during the holidays. The most
interesting was a hufflepuff named Storm Blackburn. She’s a metamorphmagus, which
Remus has always been interested in. The ability to painlessly change your appearance in any
way you want is intriguing to him, because he can only change in one way, and it hurts.

There were a few others such as these two girls named Mayumi and Kavya, Hufflepuff and
Ravenclaw, respectively. They were kind, not incredibly interesting like Storm was though.

Remus lays on his bed with his head hanging off the edge, staring at the clock ticking away.
He knows his friends are coming back soon and he’s hardly ever this excited for anything. He
misses all of them desperately. It scares him how much he wants to see them again because
he never intended to get this close to anyone.

Throughout the break, he got letters from James and Peter asking him how he’s been or how
the castle is with most of the students missing. Remus didn’t get any from Sirius, though. It
worries him. He knows it’s because of his horrible mother, but he can’t help the voice in the
back of his mind saying it’s because he doesn’t care to send him anything.

After he starts to feel his blood rush to his head, Remus sits upright again, feeling a bit
woozy. He hears a hooting noise and spots a large white and brown owl tapping at the
window. Weird, none of them own an owl that color. He walks to the window to open it and
let the bird in. It has a large package tied to its claws with just ‘Sirius’ on the front.

“Sirius? Why would you come here if Sirius is—oh unless...unless they’re all back!” Remus
exclaims and runs out of the room as fast as his legs can take him.

At the top of the staircase he sees people flooding in the common room which makes him all
the more energetic. Remus hops to the bottom, finds James and Peter, and flings forward to
wrap them both in a big hug.

“Woah! Blimey, it was only a couple weeks. You miss us that much?” James smiles, being
slightly suffocated by Remus and holding an arm with Tally’s cage high up above him. He’s
not a hugger really, so he doesn’t know what compelled him to do it with such vigor. That’s
okay though, he’s just happy to see them.

“You have no idea, I was thinking about rearranging the room for the second time,” Remus
whines and pulls back from the hug. “How are you guys?”

Peter smiles saying happily, “I’m well, I had a great time at home. Mum and Dad both got off
work so we could all be together for once!”

“I know that, you said it in the letters like six times,” Remus laughs a little and James joins
along.

Peter turns red. “Come on, it’s exciting for me!”

“And we’re excited for you, sounds fun.” James musses up Peter’s hair, earning an annoyed
moan from the shorter.

Remus looks around for Sirius with anticipation and spots him already halfway up the
staircase. Did he avoid them on purpose? He detaches from the group and starts up the stairs
for Sirius who’s opening the door to their room.

When Remus gets back inside, Sirius is sitting on his bed quietly unpacking his bag. The owl
from earlier is standing on the package in the window sill.

“Hey, Sirius,” Remus smiles, walking over to sit next to him. Sirius glances up to Remus and
gives what slightly resembles a smile, then goes back to his luggage.

Remus doesn’t like the new tense atmosphere. It worries him.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Sirius mutters while taking the last few things from his bag.

Remus knits his brows together in confusion. “Like what?”

He starts tucking his bag into the chest at the end of his bed, not even giving Remus the time
of day. “With pity. Like I’m weak.”

“I only said hello?” Remus cocks his head to the side. What’s he on about?

“You’re being cautious around me, it’s—it’s weird. Either talk to me normally or don’t at
all,” Sirius grumbles while avoiding eye contact.

Remus pushes up to his feet and wraps his arms around himself. “Well, I wasn’t sure if you
wanted to talk, I didn’t get any letters.”

“I wasn’t allowed to. Surely you’d think of that being the reason before thinking that I
suddenly stopped wanting to be friends with you.” Sirius tenses up further.

“No that’s not it, I was just unsure because—“

“Home sweet home!” James bursts through the door and throws his large bag onto the floor
next to his bed. Remus quickly backs down and sits on the edge of his own four-poster like
they hadn’t spoken at all.

“Why did you make me carry one of yours?” Peter pants as he stumbles through the door
with two giant suitcases. He drops them to the floor to then wrap himself in his covers. “Oh,
how I missed this bed.”

“Made you carry it cause I’ve got a whole owl to carry around, Pete.” James turns to the
brown and white bird in the window and grabs the package from beneath it. “Ooh, hey Sirius,
this is for you,” he comments. The package is quite flat and square-like, an odd shape for a
present.

Sirius takes the package and quietly sits back down to slide it under his bed without a single
glance at what it could be. He then takes the bed’s curtains in hand to pull them around the
frame and hide him from everyone else. Remus thinks he may be acting worse than the first
day. Something in his mind heavily regressed and it’s hard to watch.
 ———

Sirius can’t sleep. He doesn’t want to sleep, either. He’ll probably wake up scared again and
humiliate himself. Sirius has never been one for tears, but two weeks of alone time definitely
brought them out of him. He didn’t get to talk to Reg, he didn't talk to anyone. Any other year
he would’ve been happy to miss out on a holiday gathering, but not this year. No, this year he
had his wand taken and his door locked. They went without him.

He couldn’t even begin to uphold his promise to Remus because he never had a chance to do
anything but think. Maybe that was what Walburga wanted, as if solitary confinement was
going to turn back time and put him in Slytherin to honor his family. There were many times
he almost wished he could, just to get out of it.

It isn’t fair, none of it is. What would the summer be like if the two week holiday was so
unbearable? What are they going to do then, lock him up in his room for a few months and
continue to not be allowed to speak to his own brother? What did he do to deserve being born
into such a family? Why couldn’t he have been a part of a family like the Potter’s? James
tells stories about his parents; his mother who kisses him on the cheek and tucks him in at
night, his father who treats him like a best friend. It doesn’t sound real. And it’s not fair.

James doesn’t even seem to have problems, not really. Sirius frowns, knowing he shouldn’t
think that. James is just so happy all the time, he doesn’t understand. Even Peter goes silent
on some days, but never James. He’s like the sun, even when Sirius isn’t with him, he’s
elsewhere, making the sky blue for other people. Better people.

The train ride was awkward, Sirius didn’t want to be cheered up this time, so he sat and
stared out the window for the full ride. James doesn’t seem to understand how to approach
him right now, and is pretending like everything is fine. It’s not fine.

Suddenly, his curtain is being slightly pulled to the side to reveal a scarred brunet and the
moonlight peaking through. His body is held close together and his eyes are filled with a
hesitant kind of guilt.

“Hey, can we go to the common room?” Remus whispers, anxiously fidgeting with the
curtain between two fingers. Sirius stares at him for a moment. He sighs and nods while
slowly moving out of his bed to follow the smaller boy. They should continue their
conversation from earlier, it was a mess.

The two make their way down the stairs and into the main seating area with the fireplace that
never seems to go out.

As soon as Remus sits down he starts to spew out words like he’s been reciting them in his
head for hours, and to be honest, his accent jumbles some of the words. “I’m really sorry,
Sirius, I was being really selfish and I wasn’t thinking about you. I’m new to friends still and
knew it wasn’t your fault but also thought maybe you didn’t like me anymore, which would
make sense. I'm pretty rude sometimes and not cool like you and James are. Also I’m sorry.”
Sirius widens his eyes and nods once, taking all of that in. “Okay. First of all, breathe. Second
of all, you think I’m cool?”

Remus furrows his brows and looks away, taken aback. “I mean, yes? I dunno, it’s nothing
crazy—and you’re making this about me, I was here to apologize to you!”

“What am I supposed to say? Thanks?” Sirius ridicules. “You don’t even have to apologize, I
don’t care. I have much bigger problems than this.”

“Oh,” Remus says. “Right, of course. Obviously. I’m going to say the holiday was bad then?”

“Bad…” Sirius laughs bitterly. “Bad doesn’t even…I mean I didn’t even get to talk to
Regulus. It was all I wanted to do, all I’ve wanted for months. I didn’t see him, not once. She
kept me from him.”

Remus looks at him with pity then, and Sirius hates it, but he also basks in it. Someone
feeling bad for him can’t be the worst thing to indulge in. It’s selfish, but his life sucks. Let
Remus feel bad about it. “How can she do that to you?” He asks.

Sirius sighs. “Well, because she’s my mother. She can do anything she wants. What do you
want me to say? Stop it?”

“No,” he says, then hesitates before speaking again. “She didn’t like…hurt you right?”

“Nope, she couldn’t even be bothered,” Sirius laughs at the stupidity of all of this. “Lucky
me.”

They fall into silence for a bit, just letting each other sit in their presence. Sirius won’t
pretend he didn’t miss Remus. He missed everyone, obviously, it just comes to the surface
more now that they’re talking and Sirius feels less tense.

He asks how Remus’ break was, and the boy recalls mostly how bored he’s been. There’s
nothing to do when there are no classes or people around. In a way, their holidays weren’t so
different, they both spent them alone.

“What are you two doing?” James whisper-yells. “It’s like three in the morning!”

Sirius quickly tilts his head up to see James up on the balcony beside the stairs with a
bedhead somehow more unkempt than his regular style and missing glasses.

“What are you doing up?” Remus accuses, crossing his arms dramatically.

James looks taken aback. “I was looking for you both!”

Sirius makes a noise of disbelief and shakes his head. “Get down here, you idiot.”

Even from the common room, Sirius can see just how giddy that’s made James, happy that
his friend is talking again. He turns back to grab his glasses but bumps into a person. A
shorter, rounder person. “Whaat, you’re up too?”
“You left the door open!” Peter lightly hits James’s arm. “All that light, coming straight to my
bed.”

“Well whatever, we’re all awake so how about we all just stay down here for a bit,” Remus
suggests with a grin stretched on his face. Sirius looks at him.

He’s changed so much since he’s gotten here, it’s quite remarkable. Sirius doesn’t know
whose fault it is, but in September, Remus couldn’t get through a sentence without a
stammer. He made himself smaller and hid from them all, a tired frown plastered to his face.

He looks at him a bit more, and he’s just smiling. Sirius hopes it stays there.

Once all four boys get settled in on the couches, Remus seems to have an idea and runs up
the stairs to their room. He goes down a little slower like his legs are hurting from the run up,
then plops back down in his seat.

“Alright, so I didn’t have any money or the ability to get actual presents that you’d buy from
like Diagon Alley—“

“Ooh, who cares! I love any kind of present!” Peter looks ecstatic, practically bouncing in his
spot on the couch.

“Oh! Okay, uh. Well—here.” Remus awkwardly holds out the pieces of paper in the order
they’re sat in, each taking their respective gift.

Sirius looks down at his, surprised that Remus made him anything at all. It’s a drawing, and
it’s kind of adorable. It’s all of them, and they’re just circles for heads with smiley faces and
clothes with a sun in the corner, but it’s the sweetest thing he’s ever had made for him. Back
home, gifts are usually given in the form of money locked away in his savings or an heirloom
that he can’t touch. But he can hold this, and he can look at it all he wants.

“Woah!” James yells, practically sticking his nose in the drawing. “This is so cool! It’s done
with muggle stuff too so it doesn’t even move! I look so awesome. This will be me next year,
you all can count on it.” He points at his drawing-self holding the snitch with pride.

Peter smiles at his with wide eyes and taps his feet on the floor. “You made me a kneazle?!
How did you know this is my favorite creature? Remus, you’re like a mind reader.”

Remus laughs and looks over at Sirius, who’s already looking at him with appreciation in his
eyes. He’s never been given a gift like this before.

James leans over Peter to see Sirius’s gift and gasps. “Is that all four of us?” Remus turns
pink and looks down at his feet.

“Yeah, and it’s amazing. Thank you,” is all Sirius says before looking back at it.

“We should hang it up on our door!” Peter suggests. James aggressively nods, making grabby
hands for the drawing.
Sirius continues to stare at the paper, only looking up to say, “Well not yet. I just got it, and I
don’t really get gifts! Like ever.”

“What was the one from earlier then?” Peter cocks his head to the side and makes a square
shape with his hands. Sirius shrugs.

“Well, since we’re already opening gifts, I’ll go get it!” James calls out while running back
up the stairs. In seconds, he’s zooming down with the package in hand and placing it in
Sirius’ lap.

Sirius really examines it for the first time as he looks at it in his hands. There’s a card
attached to the back that he carefully opens and unfolds.

Dear Cousin,

Happy holidays! I’ve loved getting in touch with you, I feel as though not all hope is lost for
our family. Besides the point, I was thinking for weeks about what to give to you, and couldn’t
think of something you liked. I had a similar problem when I was your age. Instead I decided
to give you something I thought you could learn to enjoy as I have.

With love,

Andromeda Tonks

Sirius knits his eyebrows and tilts his head, looking at the simple packaging. What could
Andromeda possibly have given him? He starts to carefully open up the paper and is met with
something like a large flat book. Or a folder, he supposes. There’s four men on the front with
large orange letters that spell out ‘Rubber Soul’ . It looks cool, but Sirius has no idea what he
is looking at.

“Oh, I know what that is, look inside!” Peter points at the pocket that makes it resemble a
folder. Sirius just gets even more confused when confronted by a large black circle. “That's a
vine record!”

“A what?” James looks just as bewildered as Sirius does.

Peter points at the circle. “This plays music, but you need a special box called a record player
for it. Hogwarts doesn’t have any of them.”

“They put sounds on this disc thing?” Sirius stares at it in awe. “But that sounds like magic,
how’d they do that?”
The blonde shrugs. “I dunno how they do it, it’s modern technicology stuff.”

“You mean technology?” Remus corrects, earning a shrug from Peter. Sirius notices from his
peripheral that Remus is eyeing the three drawings that were put aside as they marvel at
Sirius's record with a small frown.

Sirius hums and puts the circle back in the little pocket. “Well, can’t do anything with this
until I get the special box anyway. This however,” he says, getting up and holding the
drawing up to his face. “I can look at whenever I want.” He watches Remus smile shyly.
“Don’t even know what a Beatles is, but this has you lot on it, which is way better.”

They end up pinning each drawing to their respective beds, and now Sirius can’t sleep again.
This time, it’s because he keeps looking at his gift. There’s just something about it, because
Remus understands.

He doesn’t want his fantasies drawn out like James or a reference to an interest like Peter; all
he needs are his friends together and happy, and Remus gets it.

The next couple of months go by quickly, with repetitive school schedules it’s hard to stay
entertained, but the four of them manage…barely. James and Sirius end up in a handful of
detentions with Peter occasionally alongside them. It’s always for such stupid reasons that
could have him deduce that the Professors just don’t like them.

There was this time where James performed the ice charm on the entrance to the Great Hall,
making anyone who walked in fall on their bum. And another time where he, James, and
Peter tongue tied half the Slytherin table. It was hilarious! But apparently, some think
otherwise.

Remus still refuses to participate in these things because he thinks they’re wrong or
something, but he’s not stopping them. So who cares?

Then came the birthdays. Sirius did not know what the hell was happening when James
started being extra nice to Peter one morning, parading him around like a cool prize. After
dinner, he tipped off one of the house elves to make a cake. The weirdest part was when he
started singing. Obviously, Sirius could work out that it was his birthday at this point, he isn’t
stupid, but this was just a lot. Remus had to miss out too, which kind of soured his mood.

However, it was like a trial run for what birthdays are apparently supposed to be like, so by
the time the next one rolled out, Sirius was prepared. He even memorized the song James
sang. Remus was incredibly embarrassed by the whole thing despite it just being the four of
them in their room with yet another cake.

A few weeks later, it was James’s day too. Merlin, Sirius is going to have this damn birthday
song stuck in his head for a while. Of course James made a spectacle of himself, earning eye
rolls from many groups of people, most notably Evans, who didn’t have the heart to tell him
to shut up on his birthday. It was nice in a very rude way, which seems to be how she goes
about things.
 Other than classes, it looks like the only thing Sirius has learned is that celebrating is fun.
Presents, food, friends, what’s not to like? After being raised in a miserable household, this is
incredibly different, but he’s open to change. He has to be, or he’s never going to fix himself.

———

Chapter End Notes

This is such a lovely chapter to me I’m sorry. We’re sprinkling in seeds of certain future
things here! Other than the first prank, this is one of the first times they get to really be a
group, it’s very fun. Remus is so sweet and Sirius loves that gift a lot. Believe me.

Also, the last few paragraphs were honestly so I could time skip a bit this fic would get
way too heavy if I had to seriously write out everyone’s individual birthdays. Plus,
they're all together and happy right now, there isn’t much to do.

Anyway, can’t wait for the next couple to get published cause they’re sooo interesting…
 First Year: Expectation
Chapter Summary

Someone always wants something from you.

Chapter Notes

Sorry a few hours late I forgot what day it was LMAO. Anyway enjoy a hefty chapter
it’s the longest one so far cause there was a lot I wanted to cover!

Words: 5.8k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

APRIL 29, 1972

Lily glances around the Charms classroom for one specific boy, and he isn’t there, just as she
predicted. Well, just as the moon predicted. It was full last night and now he’s not here. She’s
been tracking the cycle for months now…and very aware of how that sounds, but she’s stuck
on it now.

The two of them haven’t spoken in months, going all the way back to December. They were
starting to get close before that one night she called him out for being a liar. It’s not her fault
he couldn’t get his story right and she caught on. Now, she’s entirely sure that Remus is what
she thought, it is actually incredibly obvious once you pay attention. But Lily has no idea
where to go from here. She isn’t going to tell him she knows, of course not. At first, she’d
wanted to help him, but now that he’s cut her out entirely, she isn’t sure what she’s doing this
for. So she flips through the small moon calendar she made and scribbles in another check
mark, the fourth in a row.

It’s hard to wrap her head around it sometimes. Remus, little Remus Lupin, the boy who’s too
shy to raise his hand in class, is a Werewolf.

“Lily,” someone whispers to her while tapping her arm. Lily looks up with wide eyes at Mary
then to Professor Flitwick who’s staring at her expectantly.

Another downside to all of this, she’s paying less attention in class.

“Uh,” Lily says stupidly. “I’m sorry, I don’t—um. Could you repeat the question?”
Flitwick shakes his head at her, disappointment clear on his face. She was one of the top
students not too long ago, of course he’s disappointed. He turns to Marlene McKinnon
instead, whose hand is waiting in the air.

Lily groans and looks back into her notebook while Mary’s gaze lingers. “What’s keeping
you so busy?” She asks under her breath, squinting at her paper.

She shrugs. “Nothing really, my mind just keeps wandering. Dunno why,” she lies, glancing
at the empty spot between Pettigrew and Black.

Mary notices where her gaze is and her jaw drops. “No way, do you like one of them?”

“What?” Lily breathes sharply. No way has she just given Mary the impression that she likes
any of them. Especially in that way.

“Dunno, you look over there a lot,” Mary adds, dumping fuel into the fire. “Who is it then?
Can’t be Pettigrew, you couldn’t pay me. Potter is a nuisance, Black not as much, both kind
of cute though. Don’t you think?”

Lily looks back at her like she’s insane and shakes her head aggressively. “No. I don’t think.”

“It’s gotta be Remus,” Dorcas giggles from the seat above her.

“Don’t butt in!” Lily whispers aggressively. “This is not a conversation I’m having right now,
it can’t be.”

Mary and Dorcas give each other a glance before nodding. “Definitely Remus,” they say.

“No, believe me, it’s not. There is no it, I don’t have a crush on anybody. Why are you so
eager to push it on me? Projecting, much?” Lily raises an eyebrow at both of them.

Dorcas just muffles a laugh behind her hand like it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever said.
“Not in a million years.”

Mary raises a shoulder and frowns. “I’d consider. Alice?”

“No,” she mumbles, not even looking at the three of them to ignore the conversation
happening. Fair enough, Lily wants class to be over as soon as possible.

What a stupid assumption, she doesn’t have a crush on Remus, she’s doing research on him.
Oh, that sounds bad. She’s not doing it maliciously, even if Remus has taken a sudden dislike
to her. Lily wonders if it has anything to do with getting closer to his roommates who also
don’t like her, especially Black.

Either way, after classes end for the day, Lily heads to the library for a last ditch effort on
finding information. Someone should really do better research on Werewolves, because
Remus isn’t dangerous, he’s just a child like her. And not to mention he’s quite…weak.
Perhaps this is because of transformations, but he’s a short skinny kid, she can’t imagine him
doing anything like what these books are saying. Tearing humans apart and eating animals
alive makes him sound rabid, she doesn’t like it.
“Lily.”

She whips her head around and finds Severus right over her shoulder, making her nearly
jump out of her skin.

“Jesus, Severus, you scared me!” Lily exclaims.

He tilts his head at her. “Jesus?”

Lily shakes her head and closes the book in front of her before getting to her feet. “Never
mind. What’s going on?”

“I wanted to see you, is that such a bad thing?” Severus says with a slight patronizing tone
which makes Lily narrow her eyes at him.

See, they ‘made up’ over holiday break after Lily yelled at him in the middle of a crowd of
students, but even months later she still isn’t happy with him. After they got back, he
continued being their friend, and those friends continued to mock her. He tells her it’s no big
deal, that it doesn’t matter what they say because he cares about her, and fine. She doesn’t
disagree that he does. But it’s hard to be comforted when she doesn’t know what they say
behind her back.

She hopes to be able to punch Avery or Mulciber in the face one day.

“No, it’s not a bad thing, you just startled me,” she says, tucking the book behind her back. “I
was just on my way out.”

Severus hums, moving alongside her as she starts to walk to put the book back where she
found it. “I’ll come with you then. What were you reading? There was a moon on the cover,
are you into astronomy now?”

Lily puts the book back in its place, cleverly pushing it back so the title is in the shadows
then quickly walks off so Severus has to follow. “A bit, magical astronomy looks more
interesting than muggle astronomy, so I wanted to do some reading on it. Also since we’ve
gotta take it next year I just thought,” she shrugs, falling easily into a smooth lie. “Might as
well.”

“Yeah, suppose you’d like that sort of thing. It’s not really for me though.”

“What’s that mean?” Lily questions, suddenly defensive of something she doesn’t care
about.

He just makes a vague gesture, opening the door for her to leave the library with him. “It’s a
bit of a softer magic, more theory than anything real. I’m more into what’s real, like potion
making and Defense Against the Dark Arts.” When Lily directs another look at him, he
continues, to her dismay. “It’s not anything offensive, you like fairy tales and looking at
magic from a muggleborn perspective, nothing wrong with that.”

Lily scoffs a laugh, stopping in her tracks. “Excuse me, I’m on the same level as you in
Potions and I’m one of the top students in Charms!”
Severus’ mouth twitches. “You were, you said you’ve been falling behind recently. No shame
in it, it happens. You don’t need to get defensive about it.”

“I’m not falling behind, I’m just— I’m busy! Okay? I’m not being defensive, you’re calling
me stupid and soft!”

“I didn’t call you stupid,” Severus mutters, ushering her to an empty corridor since people
were beginning to stare again. “Listen, are you still mad at me about what happened before
the holidays? It’s been months, Lily.”

Lily makes her mouth into a thin line and crosses her arms. “Yeah, you know what? I am,”
she says sternly. “They call me that terrible word and you still talk with them, you still laugh
and joke with them like they don’t hate my guts. You were my friend first, so why don’t you
act like it?”

“I told them not to say it to you.”

“To me?” She frowns. “What about other people? I’m not the only muggleborn here, my
friend Mary is, and Slytherins call her that too.” Lily looks at him and feels anger, it’s not
hatred, but in the way that she feels out of control. “Severus, I’ll give you a choice, it’s either
me or—“

“You,” he interrupts, taking a step towards her. “Of course it’s you. Listen, Lily, I have a hard
time fitting in, I’m not like you. You have so many friends and you do it so easily because
you’re kind, I’m not like that.”

In a moment, Lily’s anger dissipates. Her mouth downturns in pity now, she doesn’t like her
friend thinking he’s a bad person because he isn’t. He’s just not surrounding himself with
good people. “You are kind, Severus. Are there really no Slytherins that are like you? You
can’t be the only one with a heart.”

He pauses, just looking at her for a moment. “I haven’t found one yet. But just know, no
matter what they say about you, you’re the only one I care about. I don’t speak up because I
can’t. Is that acceptable for you?”

Not really, she thinks. But it has to be, because he seems to have no choice. It isn’t easy
talking to people outside your house, and they’re his roommates. “So it’s all an act? Your
friendship with them?”

Severus hesitates. “Yes,” he mutters.

“Then that’s acceptable for me,” she lies. Lily wishes it didn't have to be this way, and that
Severus wasn’t in Slytherin at all. He would’ve done well in Ravenclaw and surrounded
himself with people who crave knowledge the way he does.

She recalls on her sorting day, she didn’t know how it worked, and of course she didn’t. Lily
didn’t know anything that was going on. So she asked the hat for Slytherin, because that’s
where Severus was going to go. She thought she’d suit it, their emerald green matches her
eyes and she is quite an ambitious girl. But the hat laughed at her. They argued about it, and
while Lily couldn’t believe she was bickering with a hat, she felt in some way, it was right.

So she rolled her eyes, resigned, and let it pick whatever it thought was right for her.
Apparently, it’s Gryffindor.

Now, standing up to her first magical friend, she gets it. Yes, she’s lying to his face, but that
doesn’t make her a coward, she’s doing it so he feels better; and what’s more brave than
giving yourself up to save someone else?

———

“I’m starting to think these detentions aren’t doing much for you boys,” Professor
McGonagall comments as he and Sirius make their way into the room. Again.

James drops his bag over the side of a chair and then himself into it. “I’m starting to think
you’re giving us detentions because you secretly like our company.”

She gives him a stern look then, one of discontentment. “Believe me, Potter, I have much
better things I’d like to do than babysit the two of you.”

Sirius sits beside him, eyes tired from a nap James had to wake him up from to drag him
here. “McGonagall, you could always just… not put us here. We can’t help laughing if some
bloke turns his animal into a fuzzy cup with eyes. You can’t tell me you don’t find some
amusement when students get things horribly wrong,” he drawls.

It was really funny, actually. Which is why James and Sirius burst into laughter and ruined
the lesson because all of the other animals got scared and ran away. That can’t be their fault,
the cup had massive wet eyes and it blinked at the poor red-faced Hufflepuff.

McGonagall still doesn’t look amused, her lips pursed as she shakes her head. “No, I don’t.
I’ve seen a million mistakes in my time as a professor, I think they’re a lesson on what to fix.
But never mind that, you two disappoint me.”

“Ah,” Sirius chuckles. “You know, you aren’t the first woman to say this to me, I can take it.”

“Mr. Black, you could be a remarkable student if you cared. Same goes for you Mr. Potter,”
she states bluntly.

The two of them glance at one another, unsure where to go from here. James tries to read his
mind, maybe Sirius has an idea what to say to that because he definitely doesn’t.

“I’ve got years before I can start caring, Professor,” comes from his mouth. His mouth?
James frowns, suppose so.
Sirius nods firmly. “Exactly, we don’t even take OWLs for another four years. We just got
here, I’m going to have fun.”

Every time one of them speaks, she gives them a hard, long look that seeps into James’ chest
and makes him feel terrible. He doesn’t feel regret exactly for his awful student record, but
there’s something about letting someone down once you realize they think there’s potential
for something better.

“If that’s the path you’ve decided to take, then I can’t stop you,” McGonagall shrugs, turning
to walk around her desk and sit. She pushes her thin frames up her nose, then glances at the
two who are expecting her to continue her scolding. “Go on then, go back to your dormitory.”

James and Sirius give each other a wary look. What?

“What, we can just…go?” Sirius asks tentatively.

“Yes.”

With yet another glance to each other, Sirius stands first, grabbing his bag and throwing it on
his shoulder. James hesitates, watching McGonagall going through paperwork, not even
sparing a glimpse at them anymore. He follows after Sirius, who’s already at the door, taking
one final look back before leaving silently.

They walk together for a minute not talking, both clearly feeling weird about the interaction.
James suspects they’re thinking the same thing, so he voices that thought.

“…Why did I just feel bad leaving detention?”

“Right?” Sirius immediately agrees. “I feel like I should be a bit happier, I get to go back to
my nap. Did we say the wrong thing?”

James lifts a shoulder and frowns. “Mate, I don’t know anything.”

The boy snorts, a smile stretching onto his face. “Neither do I. James, I think we’re dense.
Pitifully so.”

“Oh shut up,” he scoffs. “Don’t go posh on me. Pitifully so, Godric, next you’ll start speaking
French to me.”

Sirius pauses, turning to him slightly. “Do you want me to?”

“You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m Sirius.”

It’s a long way back to their dorms considering they can’t make it twenty steps without
cackling about the rude French phrases Sirius decided to teach him. His cheeks hurt from
grinning by the time they enter the portrait hole, giggling as they make their way across the
warmly lit common room.

“Didn’t you two loudly announce you were going to detention?” Dorcas Meadowes calls
from where she’s sitting wrongways on an armchair, legs dangling over the side. James has
actually never had the pleasure talking to her, she seems alright though. “It’s been like
twenty-five minutes, you kill her or something?”

Due to the laughing fit they’re still not on the other end of, James snorts and Sirius hangs
onto him to hold back his own. “No, she let us go! Lovely woman!”

“Let you go?” She chuckles in disbelief. “No way, you definitely did something. You’re
always doing things. I did really like the ice on the train, though,” Dorcas hums, twirling a
curl through a finger. “Y’know, my friend totally hates you guys, can’t understand it. You’re
quite funny.”

“Oh,” James smiles, a bit flattered. Sirius pops down on one of the chairs next to the
fireplace.

“Evans, yes?” he asks.

Dorcas nods with a bit of a mischievous quirk to her lips. “Mhm,” she confirms. “Whenever
she sees you lot, she just goes on about it. But Mary and I suspect she’s got a crush on Remus
Lupin. Only thing is, I haven’t seen them speak in months, which is odd.”

Suddenly, James isn’t sure how much he likes being a part of this conversation and taps out
to observe. He’s not one for speculating about someone behind their back. Sirius doesn’t
seem to care though, maybe that’s due to his family and their gossiping. He’s mentioned it
before. Everything seems to trace back there.

“I don’t think he likes her anymore,” Sirius shrugs. “I think they got in a fight, cause one day
he gave her these like death eyes, and she was kind of weird about it. He doesn’t talk about
her anymore. Wonder what they fought about.”

“Homework answers, I bet, the nerds,” Dorcas grins, moving her legs to sit properly. “Where
is he anyway? He’s missing so often, even now. Not like I’ve spoken to him, but you pick up
on these things.”

Sirius answers quickly. “Yeah, he’s visiting his mother, she’s a bit ill at the moment. He
should be back sometime tonight, though. We take notes for him when he’s gone. That’s how
he stays smart.”

The excitement seems to drain from Dorcas’ face as she sits up straighter. “Oh, well that’s
just upsetting—“

“Dorcas, I brought the—oh! Guests,” Mary MacDonald hops down the girl’s staircase with a
deck of cards in hand. James leans towards her and squints, he’d recognize those cards
anywhere. She places them down and plants herself in the armchair next to James. “I’m
Mary, and I know who both of you are. As does everyone.”
James sits up smugly at that. “All for good reasons, yeah?”

“Ehh,” Mary muses. “For the colors, depends who you talk to. For the ice? Absolutely.”

Dorcas nods. “See, I brought up the ice before, it was brilliant. Who came up with that?”
James not-so-humbly puts his hand up. “Good on ya, perfect for the holidays. Anyway, you
lot up for exploding snap or?”

“Well, I was gonna nap,” mutters Sirius.

Dorcas and Mary both turn to give him a look. “It’s past eight, that’s not a nap, that’s
sleeping,” Mary says.

Sirius shrugs. “Same difference. I’m off, James?”

“Oh, but I love exploding snap, just stay for one round? You can take a super long nap after
uh…” James trails off, eyes catching Remus entering the portrait hole and trying his best to
not be spotted. “Um, after the round.”

He doesn’t want to bring attention to Remus coming in considering they were just talking
about him, but he can’t help his gaze lingering. He looks especially tired and rubs at his eyes
before he notices James looking at him. And then everyone does.

Sirius grins, hopping out his chair and making his way over to him. “Hey, I was just about to
go up, I’ll come with you,” he offers and is met with a silent nod. James watches them up the
stairs before they’re out of sight.

“…Is he okay?” Mary wonders aloud.

James isn’t sure actually. He’s noticed Sirius and Remus’ secret pact of some kind that started
the day they made up all those months ago. Like the night they all returned from the holidays,
they were together in the common room. Just talking. Sirius was in a particular mood that
day, and James knew why, he just didn’t know how to handle it. Listening to his problems
isn’t going to be the solution every time. He wants to work on that, for Sirius’ sake.

But by the time James found them, Sirius seemed better.

Once he thinks on it, that’s what happened the first time too. He and Peter left for the Great
Hall and by the time they were back, Sirius was happier and friends with Remus. Perhaps
that’s how their friendship works compared to Sirius and James. Less joking and falling over
each other’s shoulders in laughter and more emotional comfort, considering Remus seems to
know how to deal with that.

In that case, James is quite thankful for him.

After a few rounds of exploding snap where he learned he’s not nearly as good as he thought
he was, sitting in singed clothing, he says goodnight to the girls and heads back up. They’re
lovely, and he wishes they met sooner since they mix so easily.
Tucking into bed with a smile, he pushes McGonagall’s disappointed words and stares out his
head. It reminds him of how he had to lie to his parents during the holidays and tell them he’s
excelling. He isn’t. James doesn’t try at all, and he also doesn’t care for some reason. Despite
the first year coming to a close in two months, he feels like he has so much time left.

Of course there’s the end of year testing, but James doesn’t think they’ll be a problem. When
he tries out certain spells in private, he always gets them right fairly easily. Maybe that’s why
he doesn’t try. That could also be his subconscious ego speaking.

Either way, he tries his best to forget that interaction from earlier and soon falls into sleep
with a clear head.

———

JUNE 4, 1972

Peter is going to lose it. He’s scrambling through five different textbooks and none of them
are getting through his head. Final exams start in just over two weeks and he has only just
started studying now.

Luckily, Remus has come along with him but seems just as stressed out. This makes not even
a bit of sense to Peter, seeing as Remus is a genius. Always reading, always one step ahead of
him, even with his many absences. James and Sirius have taken it upon themselves to not
study at all, in fact they’re so relaxed it scares him for their sake. He worries for their
academic careers and what their families will think when they inevitably fail because they
couldn’t stop messing around. This doesn’t even start to dig into the amount of detentions
they have. Peter’s been to a few, but nothing like them.

It’s not like he hasn’t told them, he definitely has. Sirius ignores any mention of family and
James waves him off to tell him there’s nothing to worry about. Fine then, not his problem.

Remus has barely spoken a word to him as they sit and study together in silence, but his jaw
is clenched and eyebrows are lowered in heavy concentration.

Peter’s reading over every potion recipe they’ve done this year since he’s quite sure the test
will be to make one from memory. He’s bad enough in Potions as is, always misreading or
over pouring or cutting the wrong proportions. It’s just a recipe, but to be honest, the
instructions aren’t specific enough. Cut into cubes, sure, how big are the cubes? Mix at a
medium pace, what is a medium pace? Potions are too nitpicky for these vague instructions.
Remus is his Potions partner, and he’s good, but nothing like Snape and Evans. Them two
just have some knack for the class that Peter can’t wrap his head around. They just know.
Remus used to ask Evans for tips when they had tables near each other, but right before the
holidays, he sat elsewhere. Peter followed and didn’t ask questions, not his business. He
knows they were also becoming study partners, something that halted just as their entire
friendship did. He wonders what happened, but he doesn’t ask. Now Remus is his study
partner for the day, but he doesn’t know if this counts as a partnership, it’s more like parallel
play.

They continue on for hours until the sun sets and the moon glows through the windows.
Peter’s half asleep at this point, eyes drooping and head nodding. Remus is in a similar state,
but he’s still pushing on while Peter’s given up, books closed and ready to be put away.

“Remus, I think I’m going to fail out of my first year,” Peter mumbles. It’s the first thing
they’ve said to each other since they arrived.

Remus looks up slowly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and pushing his bangs back. “I
don’t think you’re gonna fail,” he says quietly.

“No, but I am.” Peter pushes his books into his bag and zips it up. “You’re going to be fine,
but I’m not smart like you.”

He just gets a harsh laugh in response to that. Remus shakes his head. “Definitely not smart, I
just read. I don’t have a natural talent for academics, I do more because I have to, and I
perform slightly above average because of it.”

“So? That still makes you smart,” Peter replies, confused on how it couldn’t. He pushes to his
feet and Remus follows after him, tucking his books away.

“No, there’s a difference. You ever notice that even though James and Sirius have never
studied or paid attention to a thing in their lives they perform on about the same level as me?”
Remus asks sincerely as they make their way out of the library.

Peter supposes, yeah, but that could also be from Remus’ repeated absences. Back when they
were performing their first prank, Remus did it perfectly while James and Sirius messed it up.
Hm, it could be because of the distance they had to perform it from and the fact that they
couldn’t see the food. Despite their messing around in class, their potions will turn out
similarly to theirs while they were putting in the work.

He’s never thought about it before now. Maybe that’s why they don’t feel like they need to
study, because they’re average without trying. What would they be like if they cared?

Peter hums, eyebrows furrowed. “I didn’t, actually. We’re not stupid, are we?”

“No, not stupid. You especially, you underestimate yourself,” he observes, and before Peter
can deny, Remus says, “I think when you find your thing, you’ll excel at it more than
everyone else. Even James and Sirius.”

Peter closes his mouth and thinks on that. He hopes Remus is right, but there’s a lingering
spark of doubt in his mind.
 ———

“Evans!”

James waves at her with a wide grin from across the courtyard and Lily buries her face in her
book to hide it with a grumble. She’s sitting next to Snape at that tree again, it’s lush and
green now, no longer the brittle mess of branches it was.

He’s in a mood, so he skips on over to Lily and plops himself right down on the grass beside
her. She ignores him even harder, her red hair making a veil around the sides of her face.

James enjoys the thing they have going, weirdly enough. He doesn’t like Snivellus, but he’s
the equivalent of a fly to honey around Lily, who he does like for some reason. It can’t be the
fact that she totally hates him, but he likes their conversations, usually involving teasing her
friend and her telling him to go away.

“Do you mind?” Snape sneers, looking at James like he’s mud on his shoe.

“Nope!” he exclaims. “Shouldn’t you two be studying?”

Lily groans, putting her book in her lap, seeing as James doesn’t plan on leaving. “We’re
taking a break, shouldn’t you be?”

James shrugs. “Nah, I renounced studying.”

The grease stain scoffs a laugh. “That’s obvious.”

He watches a smile tug on Lily’s lips at the comment and feels the need to defend himself all
of a sudden. Or insult him. Whatever comes out first. “Well. I don’t like your face.” The latter
then.

Snivellus curls a lip and gets to his feet. “That’s really the best you can do? Lily, we should
head back to the Library now.”

She doesn’t need to be told twice, Lily’s up and halfway across the courtyard in seconds.
James slumps into the tree, making a face behind their backs with an eye roll.

No, that’s not the best he can do. Thinking quickly, James chuckles at the idea, pointing his
wand straight for Snape’s head. He saw this spell once while flipping through the textbooks
for their first prank, he doesn’t even know if he remembers the incantation.

“Aguamenti,” he mutters, keeping his voice clear but quiet. In a moment, a burst of water
shoots from his wand and hits the back of Snape’s head, causing him to stumble and nearly
fall forward. Lily gasps and wrenches her head back at him, but James starts giggling at
Snape’s wet hair stringing around his face like a sad dog.
Snivellus spins around and approaches him with a heavy glare in his eyes, dripping and a bit
murderous. James jumps to his feet, laughing and throwing another trail of water at him
before Snape has his wand out and is pointing it directly at him.

“Everte Statum!” Is all James hears before he’s roughly thrown back into the tree with a loud
grunt. It immediately makes his head throb in pain while he catches his breath.

“Severus, stop that!” Lily yells, pulling him by his robe’s sleeves. “You’re both being stupid,
now let’s go.”

James rubs his head and groans, gripping his wand tighter. Something clicks in his mind as if
the head injury has given him a new idea of who Snape is. He looks up through his furrowed
brows and feels a twinge of anger, actual anger. This is new.

He’s a bit out of his league here, he doesn’t know how to fight with magic. Why Snape does
is beyond him. So he won’t fight with magic.

James disarms him. He struts over to a wet wandless Snape and pushes him to the ground
with ease, watching him tumble like he’s made of straw.

He glares down at him, sparks burning his insides, believing he got the last word as he starts
to walk off. But oh, he was wrong. So wrong.

Silently, Lily stalks up to him, turns him around by the shoulder, and slaps him right across
the face.

He recoils back, face stinging and eyes wide.

“You’re such a prat, you don’t get to walk away and pretend like you didn’t start it!” Lily
shouts.

James just stands there with his jaw open for a moment like an idiot. As if he’s been snapped
out of a trance, he just gawks there. “Wh—I made him a bit wet, he launched me into a tree!
Slap him in the face too!”

Snape is already back on his feet, picking up his wand and about ready to point it at him.

“No, he’s my friend. You aren’t. Stay away from us, Potter, you’re nothing but a
troublemaking prick,” she scolds, turning away and dragging Snape off by the sleeve before
he can hit James with another hex.

James watches the two of them disappear into the corridors and clenches his jaw, twirling his
wand in his hand. How’s that any fair? Snape used a much harsher spell on him than James
did, it was just some stupid water. He looked like he needed a shower anyway. James
chuckles at that. Greasy git.

He doesn’t understand Snape and Lily’s friendship, they’re nothing like each other. And not
in the way that they balance each other out, they don’t. Snape’s a rude and snobbish jerk who
is like a walking shadow while Lily’s…okay also a bit rude and snobbish but at least she
glows. To James, Lily is just intense, not some sod like Snivellus. Sunlight hits Snape and
he’s like a black hole, sucking everything in that makes it beautiful; Lily reflects it. She’s
fierce and protective, Snape is vengeful.

This isn’t to say James is perfect, he actually wanted Snape to get hurt for a moment there,
which isn’t something he’s proud of.

He’ll tell Sirius about this later before bed, and Sirius will be on his side, he always is.

Hours later with a charm around the curtains, he recalls the fight; from his aguamenti charm,
to Snape throwing him against the tree, to disarming him and the eventual slap in the face.
Sirius is in shock.

“You got in a fight and I wasn’t there to see it?” Is the first thing he says. Of course it is, ever
the supportive friend.

James just shrugs and stutters a weak, “Well I wasn’t—I didn’t go there with the intent on
fighting Snivellus, it just happened. ”

Sirius is silent for a second, jaw slightly ajar. “And you just did two spells you never
performed before, first try, perfectly?”

Huh. He didn’t think about that. “Suppose.”

“Oh, mate, you don’t need to worry about finals, you dueled Snape and won, that’s an
automatic one hundred,” Sirius smiles with incredulity. “Well, I suppose Evans won with that
slap. She’s feisty isn’t she?”

James chuckles, looking upwards. “Tell me about it. It hurt. Like seriously, she’s got an arm
on her. If she got better at handling a broom, honestly she could be a good beater.”

“‘Course you’re thinking about Quidditch. Girl smacks you across the face and you’re
thinking about sports, you’re ridiculous.”

“You wouldn’t be so bad either!” He gestures to Sirius, who gives him a look of disbelief in
return. “I’m serious! And don’t even think about—“

“Well I was gonna make the joke, but you’ve ruined it now,” Sirius deadpans. “You’ve gone
and ruined my joke, it’s the only thing I’ve got.”

James sighs. “Fine. You wouldn’t be so bad either,” he mutters. “I’m serious.”

Sirius grins. “No, I’m Sirius, you’re James.”

Ugh, he closes his eyes as Sirius cackles to himself. “It was funny the first few times, now
I’m just sick of it.”

“Not sick of me though.”

 “No, not you. Never sick of you.”

“…Well that’s quite flattering actually,” Sirius mumbles.

James hums, nodding at this strangely sentimental hole they’ve fallen into. He looks at Sirius
and realizes he’s going to be away from him for months soon, and that kills him a bit. It’s not
like the others, they can write him whenever they want. Sirius can’t.

He places his cheek into his palm and pouts. “I’m gonna miss you soon,” he utters.

Sirius stiffens and grabs his ankles with a deep breath. “I’d rather not think on it. Stresses me
out.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” Sirius glances away and bites his tongue. “I’ll…I’ll also. Miss you, I mean.”

James smiles softly. “Well, that’s brilliant. I’d be upset if you went back and were all like
‘good riddance, hated that guy’.”

He makes Sirius laugh a bit and duck his head between his shoulders. James’ lips curl up
more at that, watching him. There’s little he loves more than making Sirius happy, so he
always makes sure to keep him that way when he can.

It’s the best thing he can do before Sirius has to go back there. It’s not fair, if anyone deserves
a kind and loving family, it’s Sirius. Sometimes, James wishes he could whisk him away into
his life and keep him there. His mum and dad would like him, he already knows, they like
everyone. Well, everyone James likes they like, because they trust him to be friends with
good people. Sirius is a good person.

He thinks his mum would tuck him into bed the way she does for him, find out his favorite
foods and make those for him whenever she got the chance. Sirius would love James’ mother.

One day, maybe.

———

Chapter End Notes

Writing this out at 4am excuse it. This chapter was like putting everyone in a
microscope and studying them. I don’t really know what that means but it was fun to
write! Lily’s figured Remus out, I’ve always thought she’d be the first but wouldn’t tell
him. Then there’s her and Severus ofc and establishing their interesting dynamic.
Then James and Sirius and their relationship with McGonagall ugh I’m gonna love
getting to do more of that later. Also Dorcas and Mary my lovelies. Developing them is
gonna be a lot of fun.
Then there’s Peter and Remus and their feelings of inadequacy compared to James and
Sirius.
Then back to James and all his new feelings about lots of things (Again, writing this at
4am). Also the slap is iconic trust he won’t forget it.

We’re getting to the end of first year already which is exciting…the next chapter is an
interesting one. One of my faves.
 First Year: The End of It
Chapter Summary

First year comes to close with a bang.

Chapter Notes

Posting a little early cause I feel like I’m gonna forget. Enjoy!

Words: 4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 26, 1972

It’s finals week and Remus can barely get up. Everything in his body feels weak and
exhausted, limbs heavy and sore as he tries to push himself up. Because of course, it’s a full
moon day, and it’s finals week. On top of that, Remus can tell this is going to be a bad moon
because he’s already in pain, more than the usual stiffness he gets through his joints. The four
of them start with Charms today, then History of Magic, then Flying. Oh Merlin, Flying. It’s
near the end of the day too, where he’ll be at his worst next to actually transforming into that
thing.

He has no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow while he’s in recovery. The sick mother
excuse is going to have to be ramped up a bit if he’s going to get away with missing finals.
Tomorrow is Defense and Potions. They’re not his best subjects and he has no idea if Potions
is a partnered final, Peter will freak out on him if it is.

Remus pushes himself to his feet, knees straining the whole way up, which isn’t far, but it
feels like a kilometer.

“You hurt, Remus?” James asks while buttoning up his shirt.

He didn’t realize it was already noticeable, he’s only just got up. Remus looks at James and
half shrugs. “Slept on the wrong side, I guess,” he mutters easily. Suppose he really has
become a pathological liar this year.

James hums. “Ah, happens. Just give it a good stretch, that should fix you up!”
Oh, he wishes it were that easy. But Remus makes a good show of stretching his arms and
back even though it hurts like hell. “Bit better,” he lies again.

“Told you. You lot ready for the final?”

“Not a chance,” Peter freaks, hands twitching around his tie. “I studied really hard, but I just
don’t think I’ve got it, especially in Potions and History. James, I’m over.”

“Oh, buck up Pete!” James pats him on the back while on the way to his shoes. “It’ll be
alright. And even if it’s not, it’s not the end of the world. We’re only first year.”

Remus watches Peter eye James before shaking his head, and he gets it. He and Peter studied
like crazy people for these tests, and neither James nor Sirius have even opened a book.
They’ll do alright in skill based classes because that’s what they do, but with History of
Magic, they’re going to fail. They never paid attention in the class and they didn’t study
either, and that’s on them.

James and Peter seem to have gotten a head start on breakfast by the time Remus gets out of
the bathroom fully dressed. But Sirius is still here, ever the night owl. He’s tying his shoes
with pursed lips as Remus grabs his bag off the floor, holding back a groan when he gets up
again.

“You about ready to go?” Remus asks, slinging the straps over his shoulders.

Sirius nods, patting his thighs and bouncing to his feet. “Yep, I’m gonna ace this. How are
you feeling?”

“Terrible,” he blurts. He expects a laugh and denial out of pity but Sirius just stares at him for
a moment.

“Physically?”

Oh, he gets it. That’s annoying. Remus makes his lips into a thin line. “Yeah,” he admits after
a moment. He doesn’t know why he did that, he could have lied. “Might have to miss the
tests tomorrow, I don’t feel very well.”

“What are you going to tell them?” Sirius asks with a tilt of the head.

Remus hasn’t figured that one out yet. “You could always just tell them I came down with
something. They don’t have to know it’s long term.”

At that, Sirius furrows his brows and silence comes between them for a minute. He looks
hesitant, sweeping a foot across the wooden floor. “It’s not like…I mean you’re not gonna…
is it for life?” Remus nods. “That’s terrible, y’know. No one deserves that.”

Remus’ stomach stirs and he looks downwards. He doesn’t know how to respond to that.
He’s been told by his parents that he doesn’t deserve it, but they’re his parents. Sometimes
there will be the occasional spontaneous thought, a bit intrusive even, just telling him that he
does deserve it. Even if he didn’t do anything as a child, he’ll do something so bad later in
life that will make it justified. It’s an idea he’s kept with him for a long time. But it’s nice
hearing that from a friend, even if he has no idea what really hangs over Remus like an ugly
shadow.

“…Thanks,” he mumbles, glancing at the door. “Breakfast?”

Sirius perks up at the topic change and swings his bag over his shoulder. “Yes! Definitely.”

His first two exams weren’t so bad after all. For Charms, Professor Flitwick had them expand
an apple to the size of a very large pumpkin then put a feather-light charm on it for him to
carry. If he could hold it with one finger, you get an automatic one hundred percent, each
finger needed moves the mark down by ten. Basically saying, if he has to carry it with both
hands, you fail.

Remus performed pretty well, Flitwick needed three fingers to carry his apple, so he earned
an eighty. Peter got a seventy, Sirius eighty, James ninety. Only two students got full marks,
Lily and McKinnon, of course. He was a bit shocked that Cynthia Night got a ninety
considering she’s on the same level as her friend. Either way, he’s perfectly content with an
eighty.

In History of Magic, the tests were written, which was such a bore, but after basically
memorizing the textbook, it was quite simple. He wasn’t the first to hand it in, that went to a
few Hufflepuffs, but he was up there. He’s not going to get the results until the end of the
week, but he doesn’t really care about this class at the end of the day.

“I think I just bombed that,” Peter mumbles to him on their way out.

Remus furrows his brows. “What? You finished not too long after me.”

“So?” He says. “Doesn’t mean anything.”

“Sure it does, James and Sirius finished in the last ten minutes, they didn’t even open the
textbook. You, on the other hand, spent hours with it.”

Peter hums. “Suppose. So you think they’re gonna fail that one?”

“Oh, yeah,” Remus chuckles. They turn the corner to Flying, which Remus is absolutely
dreading. His legs are already screaming at him with how much walking he’s had to do.

This exam requires him and his classmates to do a routine of some kind one by one. Each
student will walk towards their broom, get it to come to them within three tries, then do a lap
around the field in less than fifty seconds. Remus groans, he’s not cut out for this, plus it
means everyone will be watching him. He’d rather accept this class as a failure than do this.

They’re going by alphabeticals, putting one of the Slytherins first. Next is Sirius, and he’s
actually pretty good. He’s watched him a few times during class before, so it’s not a big
surprise. Remus doesn’t care to watch the next few until the letter ‘E’ is called for Lily to go.
Well, he’s not supposed to care, but he can’t help but wish for them to have a friendship
again, even if he’s the one who cut her off.
She gets her broom up in two tries, mounts it, then does her full lap in about twenty-five
seconds. A bit faster than Sirius, not as fast as some others, but still, Remus hums in surprise
at that.

“She needs to try out for Quidditch next term,” James mutters to them. “I told Sirius a few
weeks back, she’d make a good beater.”

“Why beater?” Peter asks. “Why not chaser?”

“Got slapped in the face by her. She’s strong.”

Remus can’t help the snort that comes from him as his eyes bulge a bit. “Slapped? Lily Evans
slapped you?”

James shrugs. “Yeah, it was ‘cause I had a fight with Snivellus and she’s very biased. Oh,
actually dunno if I’d want her hitting bludgers around when I’m gonna be there too.”

Sirius crosses his arms and laughs, “You’ve just assumed you’re getting in, then?”

“Uh, duh.”

After a few more students, and the first fail of the class, it’s Remus’ turn. James, Sirius, and
Peter all wish him good luck as he breaks through the crowd to get beside the broom. Deep
down, he hopes he just fails to get the broom into his hand so he can get it over with.

It takes three tries, so he doesn’t get to just fail, to his dismay. Remus mounts it carefully, the
stiffness in his body quite apparent, and takes off. He’s awful at this, just terrible really. He
nearly loses his balance multiple times and by the time he gets back it has been way over
forty. It’s humiliating walking back into the crowd, limping and exhausted. The sun sets in a
couple hours, and he’s really feeling it now. He has to leave soon.

But he stays until the end of class to cheer James and Peter on who are at very different skill
levels. James clears the field in seventeen seconds, Peter in forty-five. Not as bad as him, of
course, with a whopping minute and a half.

He’s definitely failed, and that’s fine. He’s not one for Quidditch anyway.

“You weren’t so bad,” Sirius overcompensates for him as they leave the field.

Remus scoffs a laugh and shakes his head. “Don’t lie, I just failed. You weren’t so bad.”

“What about me?” James butts in, getting between the two of them with Peter trailing behind.

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Don’t compliment him, Remus, his head will explode.”

“Wasn’t going to.”

It hits him suddenly, a sharp stinging pain in his back that has him nearly trip over his own
feet. He doubles over, clutching his middle and squeezing his eyes shut in pain. It’s a harsh
burning sensation that feels like when he transforms, but right now it’s just on the cusp of it.
He needs to get out to the shack, but he can hardly move.

“What’s going on? Remus, are you okay?” James is now in front of him, and he’s slumped
against a wall, he doesn’t remember moving.

Sirius is a few steps back, hesitant to get closer while Peter just looks curious and concerned.

“‘M fine,” Remus mumbles, the stab of pain fading away and settling into a tingle in his
bones. “I have to—I think I’m coming down with something. I’m gonna go to the Hospital
Wing.” James nods, about to scoop him up. “No, I–I’ll go on my own, you three go to
dinner.”

Sirius frowns. “You can barely get up, you’re not gonna make it the whole way on your own.
Let James help.”

“No, it’s fine.” Remus heavily pushes himself up, half delirious and feeling like he weighs a
thousand pounds. “Believe me, it’s been worse, I can make it there.”

“It’s been worse?” Peter asks. “What has? You look awful.”

Remus drags both hands through his hair, he’s right about ready to yell at them to leave him
alone. He’s not weak, he just needs to get there but they won’t give him the space. “I’ve got a
pain thing, it’s fine. Please just go, I don’t need help and I can get to the Hospital Wing on
my own.”

James pauses but nods. “Alright, well, if you’re completely sure. We’ll see you later, Remus.
Or…tomorrow?”

“Probably tomorrow,” he mutters, eyes trained on the ground.

“Hope you feel better, Remus,” Peter says, giving him a tap on the back while he and James
head to the Great Hall. Sirius stays.

“You too, not just them.”

He looks at Remus with a frown etched deep into his face. “I don’t like seeing you like this,
though. I know what’s going on, just let me help.”

Remus closes his eyes, taking a deep breath in. “Sirius. The most you could help me right
now is by leaving. And I mean that. Go with them.”

“How is walking multiple flights to the Hospital Wing by yourself a better idea? Are you
mad?”

“Yes! Yes I am, Sirius, go have dinner and leave me alone already,” Remus fires at him, voice
low in warning. “I don’t need you, okay? Go.”

Something flashes in Sirius’ eyes and it reflects over his whole face. It’s bitter, full of offense
and slight betrayal. He’s sorry, but he doesn’t care. He has a much more important situation
on his hands for him to care about instead of the feelings of anyone else, even Sirius.

Sirius clenches his jaw and raises his eyebrows, his entire stature stiffening. “Fine, then.
Didn’t need you either.”

With that, he turns and follows the others’ trail, leaving Remus alone, just as he wanted. It
takes a moment for him to realize that Sirius took his words in a very different way than he
intended him to. Of course he needs Sirius, he’s his friend. But for this, he doesn’t need
anyone. He can’t need anyone. That’s not how this works, and now he’s leaving Sirius with
this impression that he doesn’t want him around until he gets back. Fantastic. He trudges off,
limping the whole way to the shack now that the halls are empty and everyone’s eating.

———

JUNE 27, 1972

“Sirius, the pig is already dead, this is just overkill,” James mutters.

Sirius pauses his picking apart of his breakfast bacon with a sharp glare at James before
getting right back to it.

He knows James and Peter are silently glancing at each other, and he drops the leftover
crumbs of meat onto his plate and pushes it away.

“You need breakfast, we’ve got Defense and Potions today. Very energy consuming,” Peter
points out around a mouthful of french toast. “What’s got you all in a twist anyway?”

Sirius blinks at him. “I’m not in a twist.”

“Mate, you are twisting right now. The twister to have ever twisted,” James jokes, but Sirius
doesn’t feel like laughing, so he just purses his lips in response. “Godric, I feel like you’re
gonna shoot lasers out of your eyes.”

“Oh, I wish I could,” he says distantly.

Maybe it’s wrong for him to feel so bitter, but he’s absolutely fuming after last night. Sirius
and any kind of affection don’t go hand in hand, he had to claw an ‘I’ll miss you too’ for
James—his best friend—out his chest like it was a dirty confession. So when he offers
someone genuine help and gets not just turned down, but spit in the face for, he can’t help but
be the walking storm he is now.

Did Remus even make it to the Hospital Wing? He was struggling to stand up the entire day,
completely bombed his Flying final, proceeded to double over to the ground afterwards, then
expected all of them to just leave him. Sirius asked if he was insane, and apparently, yeah, he
is.

Was he always like this?

And the first answer he thinks of is no, he wasn’t. He was timid, and barely held a presence
in a room because it seemed like he wanted to shrink and disappear the moment someone laid
their eyes on him. The second answer is yes, he was. He took one look at Sirius on the train
and decided to hate him for the first two weeks of knowing each other, not to mention he’s
also a complete liar. Now that Sirius knows the truth, the amount of lies Remus told them all
—lies James and Peter don’t even know are lies yet—are insurmountable. So on top of judgy,
he’s also a liar, snarky, way too sarcastic for his own liking, and now just plain mean.

Sirius declares Remus Lupin a right prat.

And he is going to march over to the Hospital Wing after exams and give him a piece of his
mind.

Now fueled on nothing but spite, Sirius flies through his exams like they’re a hot knife on
butter. An easy ninety in Defense and third to finish a recipe in Potions from memory he
didn’t even know he could remember, coming right behind Snape and Evans. James gawks at
him as he leaves the class early, twenty minutes after it started.

He storms down the halls, a boy with a purpose who’s about to be terrible to someone
chronically sick because he was rude to him, which hurt his feelings a lot. Yeah, he’s terrible
too.

Sirius has never actually been to the Hospital Wing, but he remembers it being on the third
floor, so that’s where he goes. He forces himself to gain three seconds of composure to ask a
student where it is, and gets pointed. Oh, not so far, perfect.

He enters the doors and—well he’s essentially disrupting a healthcare center. Sirius takes a
deep breath and looks around, spotting one bed with curtains covering the sides.

“Excuse me, sir, you can’t just…“ Madam Pomfrey starts, but Sirius is already there.

“Remus, I need a word,” he announces, quite brattishly at that. Very Regulus of him.

And Remus is there, and he’s sleeping. Sirius would have woken him, if not for the fact that
he’s bandaged with multiple healing potions to his side. He stands there for a moment, and
just stares, confused enough that not even coherent thoughts and questions can make it
through his brain.

Then, Madam Pomfrey is at his side and trying to pull him away. “I will not have you
disrupting my patients, out with you, you’re causing a ruckus.”

Sirius takes a second to recalibrate and turns his head to look back. “Wait—can’t I just? Can I
talk to him?”
“No you may not, he’s resting.”

“From…what?” he asks. “He told me he was sick, not going to war.”

She looks ready to throw him out when Remus groans, face contorting into a pained
expression. He opens his eyes groggily, and he spots Sirius. As he does, a look of horror
strikes over his features and he attempts to sit up, but fails.

“Sirius—what? What?” He mumbles sadly. “Why are you here?” His eyes dart to Pomfrey.
“Why is he here?”

Every bit of motivation to snap at Remus is long gone, and Sirius is reeling from all of…
whatever this is. “Well, I was going to…see if you were alright. Because even though you
yelled at me, I thought it would be the right thing to do.”

See, he can lie too.

Remus shakes his head, pulling the clean white blanket over his neck and up to his nose.
“You aren’t…you’re not meant to be here.”

“Okay, well I am.” Sirius shrugs. “Did you fall over a pit of spikes on your way to the
Hospital Wing or something? I said I would’ve helped you, you got very angry about that for
some reason, and now look at you.” Okay, maybe that bitter motivation isn’t so far away.

Remus groans again, this time in annoyance. He sits up with a heavy wince, glances at
Pomfrey and makes some vague hand gesture at which she leaves them alone.

The blanket bunches at his stomach and he pulls it back up to cover his shoulders, but for just
a moment, just one, Sirius saw scars. Some healed, some fresh, etching around his upper
body like he’s been attacked by an animal.

“Sirius, I know you,” Remus says softly. “You didn’t come here because you thought it
would be the right thing to do.”

What an incredible thing to say.

“You don’t know me,” he retorts, eyes lingering below Remus’ face despite it being covered
up now. He wasn’t meant to see that. Or any of this.

Remus raises an eyebrow. “You haven’t actually asked how I am, you’ve just been kind of
yelling at me. So you’re angry.”

Sirius slides his tongue over his teeth and exhales. Damn you. “Okay, yeah, I am a bit angry;
however, I didn’t come here expecting you to look like you’ve crawled out of a thorn bush.”

“War, pit of spikes, thorn bush, what else, Sirius?”

“Why did you lie? Why do you lie so much?”

Remus freezes at that, Sirius can even tell he’s stopped breathing from the lack of movement.
“…What?”

Sirius scoffs. “Well, it’s stupid. I know the truth about you, so the fact that you lied and said
you didn’t need help is ridiculous, because you’ve turned out like a poorly peeled vegetable.
And yes, I can keep making more.”

The boy before him watches him very carefully, hands gripping the blanket that covers what
Sirius doesn’t think he can unsee. “What’s the truth about me, then?”

He lowers his brows, confused. “Your illness, obviously.” Remus visibly untenses. “Lie to
James and Peter, whatever. But I know, so why lie to me? I don’t lie to you. I told you all
about what’s going on with me, which I don’t just do. Y’know, that’s not just a spontaneous
thing that happens. I mean, come on, you can't tell me you can get somewhere on your own,
and that you don’t need me, and then the next day look like you got pushed through a meat
grinder.”

“Okay, you don’t need to keep insulting how I look, I get it.”

He’s exhausted, so Sirius actually does feel bad for going off on him right now, but he just
doesn’t understand. There are things that Remus told him, and none of them add up right. Not
a single one.

“Remus, I don’t get it. You still haven’t told me how you got this beat up,” Sirius says while
crossing his arms. “I mean, if you fell down the stairs, you’d have bruises, but you’ve got
bandages on and cuts. Like full on—“

“It’s not your business.”

It comes out harsh and stiff, completely heartless, and Sirius’ mouth stays open with a
disapproving gesture. “You’re so snappy, I–I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
Whatever, yeah it’s not my business, but I want to…you’re my…my friend y’know. Or at
least I thought so. But you’re so private and rude sometimes that I just don’t know anymore.”

Remus is silent for a minute. They stare at one another, both unsure on how to make the first
move from that. It’s a declaration of separation in a way. Balancing on the edge of together
and apart. Right before the end of term.

“Sirius, you are my friend.”

“You’re hiding something,” Sirius declares. “Nothing makes any sense. You’re hurt, and I
don’t understand it. There’s something with you, and I can’t…believe you. About anything.
You’re a liar, I don’t get it, and I don’t get you. You’re a bloody mystery, Lupin.”

With every word that comes from his mouth, he watches as a new wall comes up layer by
layer, and by the end, Remus’ eyes are stone cold. Sirius has never seen a look like that on his
face, and he almost wants to fall to the floor and apologize. Yesterday morning, they were
fine. Remus looks like he could kill him.
 “You need to leave,” he fumes, but it’s a silent anger, burning right through Sirius. “Don’t
talk to me the rest of term, don’t send me any letters. I meant it when I said I don’t need you,
but I don’t want you either. So get out.”

Sirius swallows nothing, throat dry. He doesn’t blink, he just glares in hope that it will make
Remus take it back. Please take it back. Slowly, he comes to the conclusion that Remus is not
going to do that. He means it. That look in his eye, he means it. If Remus were to ever be
honest about something, of course it’s this.

“Wouldn’t even be able to send you anything if I wanted to. Happy recovery,” he mutters
darkly, turning and leaving the Hospital Wing with even more anger than he started with.

Stupid Remus and his stupid stupid lies and ridiculous fraud of a persona he put up. He was
tricked, Remus isn’t kind and he’s not good, he’s awful. Sirius wants nothing to do with him
ever again. How could he even say that to him? After everything?

At some point, with noise flooding his ears, Sirius makes a pit stop in one of the empty girls
bathrooms. He leans over the cold gray sink and puts his head into his arms. He’s not about to
cry about this, he isn’t.

But he’s just a child, at the end of the day, and his friend said something very mean to him.
His friend, no, not his friend. Just someone he thought he could trust.

Sirius is sitting on the stone floor wrapped up in himself as he sobs quietly. And for the first
time, he wants to go home.

———

Chapter End Notes

Sorry!

It was bound to happen with Remus and his lying, no kid is just cool with that. Expect
the worst from this situation but do not get mad at Remus he doesn’t like doing this.
He’s just self destructive and also a kid trying to protect himself and the people around
him even if it means hurting them emotionally.

Hope you liked it! Next few chapters a new character is getting unlocked which is
veryyy fun.
 Summer 1972: Dream Come True
Chapter Summary

Summer begins a bit unexpectedly…

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 30, 1972

It isn’t fair.

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair.

This isn’t fair.

Nothing is ever fair.

It is not fair.

Not fair.
Not fair.

Not fair.

As soon as those words left Sirius’ mouth, he’s had very little on his mind but this repeating
in his head like a mantra.

You’re hiding something.

I can’t believe you. About anything.

It had to happen, and of course it had to be him. Because it’s not fair and nothing is.

Remus shut down. He had to do it. There’s no choice in this, and it’s not selfish, it’s for
Sirius’ sake too. They can’t be friends anymore, not when he’s catching on. He did it with
Lily, he can do it with Sirius too. But it’s not fair.

He couldn’t even cry about it because he’s been silently screaming at himself.

It’s not fair.

His other finals came and went. He made up his missed exams earlier. Now, he’s packing.
And he’s alone.

Because giving Sirius up means more than just him, it means everyone. Sirius, James, and
Peter come as a group, and Remus can’t be a part of it anymore because he can’t talk to
Sirius. They’re at the end of year celebration meal, and Remus is here, and he’s alone.

The universe is unkind to him. That’s how it’s always been. If there’s one thing that Remus
has learned in his short life, it’s that the universe does not care. It will not be tender and hold
him gently as he tears himself apart. It will not let him keep anything he cherishes. It will
make him deserve what it’s given him because it does not care. It has made him selfish and
selfless to the point that the line blurs and it makes a mess of a kid who hasn’t felt like one
his entire life.

But the worst part is that Sirius is hurt because of him. The night he returned, he noticed very
quickly that his Christmas gift on the side of his bed was gone. He doesn’t know where he
put it, but it isn’t there anymore. This could be so much worse, of course it could. But it
didn’t have to happen if he’d just listened to him and trusted that he would be fine without
that help.
Except, it’s over now. Sirius made a terrible mistake going to the Hospital Wing that day.
Remus hopes they can both get over it over the summer for their own sakes, then go into
second year with the knowledge that their friendship is unsalvageable.

He’s back to square one. It’s not fair, but when is it ever?

———

JULY 1, 1972

There are a handful of things James doesn’t know how to deal with. When Sirius seems
determined to get home of all places, he’s out of his league. When Remus has spontaneously
decided to not speak to all of them, that’s where he doesn’t know what to do. When Sirius
and Remus hate each other again, neither having said much at all in days, and he has no idea
what happened, that’s where James is lost.

He’s in a weird state of limbo right now, they’re carrying their belongings down and he
doesn’t know what to say to them. James is going to miss them so dearly over the summer,
but he doesn’t know how to say goodbye. Or if he should. Or if they’ll let him.

They board the train, and Remus splits off from them to sit in a random empty compartment
alone. James is about to pause and ask if he wants to sit with them, but Sirius nudges him
harshly.

“Just keep going. I want the compartment we’ve been using anyway.”

Sirius doesn’t look like he wants to be messed with right now, so James nods stiffly and
keeps walking to their room. He places Tally down and shoves his bags up to the storage
area.

Once the three of them are settled, it’s quiet. This isn’t how he expected to be leaving
Hogwarts, he’d hoped they’d all be sharing a compartment and having fun before saying
goodbye.

James sits up straighter and looks at Sirius across from him who’s taking up the entire seat by
sitting sideways. It’s petty, and it’s frankly stupid considering Remus isn’t even here.

“Sirius, I can’t take this, what’s going on?” he asks.

He doesn’t look at him. “Bad sleep.”

“You’ve been saying that almost the whole week, this is ridiculous!” James exclaims.
“Neither me or Pete get what this is, and it’s weird. Right Peter?”
Peter’s eyes are wide from being roped in suddenly. “Uh—yes. It’s very weird. Because you
and Remus—“

“Shut up, Peter,” Sirius mutters.

“Hey!” James yelps in surprise. “Okay, you’re not doing this. Sirius, I don’t want us all to be
on bad terms before the summer.” No response. “Look, it’s not like Remus is being friendly
with us right now either, it’s not fair to be mad at us. We—and I mean this—we have no idea
what’s going on.”

That seems to get through to Sirius, thankfully. He finally glances at the two of them and
slumps into himself. “He’s rotten. He’s fake and rotten.”

“Remus?” Peter asks.

“Obviously. Who else would I be talking about?”

James frowns, it doesn’t feel right. Remus is quippy sometimes, but he’s not rotten. There are
very few he’d ever reserve a word like that for, and Remus is definitely not one of them. Of
course, he wasn’t as close to Remus as Sirius was, and the fact that he’s referring to it in past
tense at all saddens him. He has no idea why Remus has left them behind with no
explanation, but Sirius knows.

But something is wrong, because Remus is kind, and he’s quite…soft. He’ll be on Sirius’ side
for anything, but when comparing aggression between the two of them, it’s obvious who
comes on top. At least to him it is. Especially when Remus has been quiet about everything
while Sirius is sulking so hard he’s had a permanent scowl for days.

He tries to be careful about how he words this next, like a mouse trying to pick cheese out of
a trap without having its head crushed in. “So…what’s he done?” he lands on, deliberately
shifting any possible blame off Sirius so he doesn’t…crush his head in.

Sirius grimaces, raising his eyebrows before spinning himself to fully face James and Peter,
finally. “Well, basically. It’s hard to put into words, but he—well. He’s gone no contact.”

“…Could’ve guessed that.” James shrugs, because he knew that already. “Why?”

He’s given a groan in response. Sirius drags his hands down his face and shakes his head.
“Here’s the thing, I can’t just—I mean, suppose I could, but it’s not simple. Merlin, I’m such
a gossiper, it’s in my blood, but I …promised. James, if we ever fell out—which would never
happen—but say it did, if I promised you something, I’d still keep it. Cause I guess…that’s
who I am now, dunno. You get me?”

James was unaware that Remus and Sirius were making promises and telling secrets to one
another, but he supposes that’s the point of them. Nonetheless, he actually feels a sense of
pride for his friend. It’s this maturity that James isn’t sure he would’ve had in his place. So he
nods.
Sirius continues. “I’m just angry because it was so…out of nowhere. It wasn’t like a normal
conversation or anything, but I thought—well I just wasn’t expecting it.” He leans back in his
booth and rubs at his neck. “Suppose it happening right before the summer is best. Probably
be over it by the time second year starts.”

Peter squints at him. “You think?”

With a thinned lip, Sirius glances to the floor. “I hope.”

———

“Oi, Lupin, your friends not here yet?”

Remus pulls the side of his head off the window and finds none other than Mary MacDonald
at the compartment door.

He’s never spoken to her before, so for a moment he doesn’t know what to do and just…
stares.

She leans on the frame and makes a face. “Well, train’s not going off for a bit. You were
always the one on schedule. Anyway, you could sit with us while you wait. We wouldn’t
mind.”

Immediately, Remus shakes his head. Mary is Lily’s friend, and he won’t put himself through
that. He’d rather get stuck with a handful of students he doesn’t know.

“Oh, Lily isn’t with us today, if that’s what you’re worried about. Cause you’ve got this uh…
thing about her I think. She’s with Severus.” Mary scoffs afterwards, pulling a few curls and
letting them spring back. “Personally, I don’t know what she sees in him. Anyway, yes or
no?”

Huh, well in that case, there isn’t anything stopping him from just…dropping by. He has no
idea who he’s about to sit with, other than the very likely Dorcas Meadowes.

A minute later, he finds himself shyly sitting down in a group of girls from his classes, all of
whom he’s never spoken to in his life. Godric, he really did keep to himself this year.

“Oh, you’re the one in Charms!” McKinnon grins. She’s so very blonde, is the first thing he
thinks, which is strange considering he’s seen her all year. Second is, oh right, she’s the
complete genius he’s been unable to even compete with. “I know you, you miss a lot, but
you’re there most of the time. Lupin, yeah?”

“Remus,” he mumbles with a weak smile. “Um, you’re quite…smart.”

She snorts. “Ooh, relax, you. I’ll get an ego.”

“Hardly anyone with a bigger ego than you, Marls,” Night chuckles. “Next to Potter, of
course. Completely unwarranted, by the way. He’s totally daft. Sorry Remus, I know he’s
your friend, but whew.”

The girls chuckle at that, and Remus bites his tongue to stop himself from defending James.
There’s nothing stopping him, not really. It’s not James’ fault Sirius messed everything up.

“He’s definitely not daft,” he says. They all look at him, many pairs of eyes all at once. “He’s
smart actually, smarter than I am. He’s just a bit careless with it.”

Mary shrugs. “Well, he did get a ninety on the Charms exam.”

“He never did those spells before either, it was his first try.”

“What?” is the unified shout of disbelief coming from all four of them.

“But we did them in class, how’s that possible?” Dorcas asks.

Remus makes an outward gesture with his hands, knowing he’s successfully defended his
friend he’s currently trying to give up. “Like I said, careless.”

The train’s taken off at this point and Hogwarts has just passed them by. Remus is actually
enjoying himself more than he thought he would with them, because it’s easy. There’s no
prior knowledge about him other than he’s the quiet kid who misses class sometimes, so
there’s no tension. It’s lovely, actually.

He learns a bit about each of them; like how Mary is a big fan of this muggle band called The
Beach Boys, Marlene plans to try out for Quidditch next term, Cynthia Night owns four cats
back at home, and Dorcas has trouble finishing a joke because she can’t stop laughing while
telling it. It’s nice, and he tells them a bit about his mum, who he can’t wait to see. There’s
not much for him back there, but the one is enough to excite him.

It’s another twenty minutes before Mary’s head jerks to him with an open mouth. “Oh, wait, I
just remembered you were just gonna be in for a bit till your friends got here. We’ve been
moving for a long time, sorry we’re keeping you.”

“Ah—well—“

“No, it’s not a problem, none of us mind. You can pop off to them now, it’s alright.”

Remus clamps his mouth shut for a moment. “So, the thing is. I’m alright here.”

Dorcas leans forward and raises her eyebrows. Silence draws on for about thirty seconds, and
they’re the worst thirty seconds of Remus’ life. That’s actually not true.

“Well, now you have to tell us what happened.”

“What?” Remus drags out, restless in his seat. “Nothing happened. I just don’t mind sitting
here.”
Dorcas laughs at him. “Babes, you’re a terrible liar.”

Funny, that.

“…I’d rather not.” Remus puts on a smile that drops as fast as it arrives.

They don’t bring it up again.

———

The train comes to a stop, to which Sirius seems to snap back to reality. He’s been begging to
come home, but now it’s hit him. Twelve Grimmauld Place is where he’ll be stuck for the
next two months.

He learned from the mistake he made last time, and says his goodbyes to James and Peter on
the train instead of off.

James looks at him sadly before wrapping him in a big hug that he stiffens up from, but
deeply appreciates anyway. He knows that’s how James shows affection at this point. It’s
sweet.

He takes a few steps off the train with his suitcase in tow and waits for a cold hand to grab his
arm and make his world spin. But it’s not there.

Sirius turns and looks for Walburga, and instead somehow spots Remus in the middle of the
moving crowd. He’s hugging a blonde woman—presumably his mother—rather tight. His
father looks to be at his side, rubbing his son’s back. He looks peaceful, and his mother holds
his face gently between soft fingers.

Sirius swallows and looks around for tight black hair and elegant robes.

He sees James instead being piggy backed out by his father with his mother talking up a
storm beside them. Peter has found his family too, he’s carrying his baby sister alongside his
mother.

Where is his?

It feels weird to miss Walburga all of a sudden, but surrounded by so many lovely families,
he can almost pretend. So he slowly makes his way to a nearby bench and sits. And he waits.

It’s likely only a few minutes, but it feels like forever as he sits there watching the train
station empty. Sirius leans against the wall behind him and lets his eyes fall shut to feel less
ashamed.

“Sirius,” Regulus calls.

Regulus...

What?

Sirius blinks his eyes open and a few steps away is his little brother and Walburga trailing not
too far behind. Oh, his little brother. Sirius’ face softens. He hasn’t seen him since he boarded
the train in September.

He’s a bit taller, just a couple inches from Sirius. His dark hair forms slight curls rather than
waves, elegant in a sense. Regulus is eleven now, and here, Sirius realizes he completely
forgot. Maybe he’s a bad brother for that. But either way, he’s standing before him and Sirius
is quickly up on his feet.

“Reg, how are you here?” he asks, definitely the wrong question. “No, don’t answer that.
Unless it’s good, of course. How’ve you been?”

Regulus wrinkles his nose at him. “Oh, you’re so casual, is that what school is going to do to
me?”

Like a shadow, Walburga rests a hand on Regulus’ shoulder and he quiets. “Hello, Sirius.”

Sirius looks up to her, disdain bubbling in his stomach at the memories of what she did to
him last time he was home. “Hello…Walburga.”

“Oh, call me Mother, Sirius, no need for that.”

Sirius backs up like he’s just been slapped in the face. Okay, so Regulus is here, and
Walburga is acting…nice. About five minutes before they got here, Sirius had closed his eyes
on that bench.

Ah, that makes sense.

It’s a dream.

Well, lovely dream, really. In reality, he’s sure Walburga is leaving him on that bench for a
long while as some sick punishment. It’s not unlike other dreams he’s had before, where his
family is happy and healthy like James’ is. He’ll indulge.

Sirius smiles. “Lovely. Well, Mother. Home then?”

“Of course.”

Walburga reaches for his arm, doesn’t grab it. Sirius looks at her and finds himself in her
stone gray eyes. They’re piercing, but not unkind. Her hair is looser today, strands don’t dare
fall in her face, but it’s not the tight bun fastened behind her skull. It’s braided and neatly kept
atop her head. She looks quite youthful without a scowl on her face.

He lets his mother take hold of him, hands as cold and bony as ever. But they don’t grip, they
envelop.
The three of them are apparated back home, that familiar feeling of the stomach turning
inside out is there. Which is weird, he feels like a dream wouldn’t know how to make him
feel that, but he ignores it.

Grimmauld Place looks the same, as dark and regal as ever, uninviting compared to the
beautiful golden glow of Hogwarts. It’s kept tidy by his family’s grouchy elf Kreacher, who
he can’t stand. He’s like a walking storm cloud, making Sirius vaguely uncomfortable and
desperate to get out of the rain.

But Kreacher levitates his belongings up the stairs for him this time, no longer having to lug
it himself. He looks around, and he’s not being sent to his room or ordered to do anything.
Sirius just exists with his family for now, and he’s wondering how long he’s been asleep for.

His mother gives him a strangely kind welcome home before she leaves the room for…
something. Probably busy work that doesn’t really mean much. Either way, Sirius is now
alone with Regulus in the entryway.

They look at each other, unsure what to say.

Sirius clears his throat quickly. “Upstairs?” he asks.

Regulus nods.

He hates how well he knows his brother, because even when his mother is acting entirely
unlike herself in this dream, Regulus is just the same. Awkward under the poise of formality.
Maybe he could play around with this, he’s heard about the things a person can do when
they’re aware they’re dreaming.

They get to his room, and he climbs into his bed, shoes still firmly on his feet. James does
this all the time, the freak. Sirius hates it, he just wants to see how dream-Regulus reacts.

He wrinkles his nose like he did at the station and takes a step back. “Oh, you’re disgusting
now.”

Sirius grins. “You’re just like him. My brain is good.”

“…Pardon?”

“Well, this might be breaking the rules, Reg, but I’m sorry to break it to you. I’m not really
here. You’re just in my head. I remembered your stupid mannerisms perfectly though, cause
now you look all freaked out,” Sirius laughs, looking at Regulus who’s giving him a judgy up
and down.

Regulus nods slowly with raised brows, backing away to the door. “No, not disgusting. Just
mad. Got it.”

“I am not mad!” Sirius exclaims, jumping back to his feet. “Just in a dream, I’m waiting for
Walburga at the train station. I fell asleep, you see. Probably been there a long while now.
You think she’s forgotten about me? Probably, that woman.”
Regulus freezes, an entirely blank look on his face. No, not blank, calculating. He takes a step
towards Sirius and sighs, “Give me your arm.”

“Why…?” he questions, slowly offering his arm out anyway.

In one swift motion, Regulus takes a hold of his wrist, tugs up the sleeve, pinches the skin
there and twists.

“Ow!” Sirius yelps, jerking his arm back. He stares at his now apparently violent brother with
wide eyes. “Why’d you do that?” He whines.

“Because. Gryffindor has made you stupid,” Regulus says. “I thought it might, but this is just
sad. Once upon a time you were like…perceptive. One year later, I’m talking to a brick.”

“What are you even saying?” He freaks, focus tunneled into soothing the stinging pain on his
forearm. “You just hurt me, why'd you—oh.” Oh. “Oh…”

Regulus grimaces. “Oh…”

Sirius looks around with his mouth fully open. “So I’m-“

“Mhm.”

“I put my shoes on the bed.”

“Yep.”

Sirius isn’t sure why shoes on the bed is his first thought and his mother’s behavior is the
second. He spins back to Regulus with his jaw still entirely on the floor and points vaguely to
the door. Of course, Regulus gets it anyway.

“I…I don’t know, alright. Maybe the holidays were just a punishment for being in Gryffindor,
but now everything’s back to normal,” Regulus theorizes, but he’s smarter than that. Sirius
knows he is. “I’d say, don’t question it, just go along with it. Perhaps it’s like a test.”

He furrows his brows. “A test?”

“Mhm. Don’t know what for yet.” Regulus gives him the third up and down look of the day.
“Suppose I’ll have to figure it out on my own, seeing as you’re dumb as rocks now.”

“Oh, excuse me, Reggie—“

Sirius is interrupted by Regulus contorting his face in such a manner that he feels required to
shut his face before he gets it slapped.

He does what’s essentially an eyeroll with his entire body, nauseous look glued to his
features. It’s hilariously adorable. “You’re disgusting. I’m leaving.”

He doesn’t even look back, and Sirius doesn’t know when he’ll see him again, or how long
Walburga will allow him to. As Regulus opens the door, he forces three words out though
they’re meant to stay down, stupidly affectionate for the two of them.

“I missed you,” he blurts.

Regulus goes still in the doorway. He doesn’t look back at Sirius, but he’d give anything to
know what his face looks like in this moment where their line has been crossed. James’
influence is heavy, because for a moment he forgot how little care goes into the way they
speak to one another.

It feels like minutes go by before Regulus replies, meaning he must have landed on whatever
he thinks is the best way to approach this.

All that comes from him is a quiet, “Yeah,” before he’s left the room, door shut behind him.

Maybe that is the best response, anything else would have felt weird, or wrong.

Sirius sits back on his bed, ashamed at how he really had his shoes on it earlier. He unties
them one by one and places them beneath the frame, laying back and examining his room, the
same as how he left it in September.

He hardly touched it during the holidays, so in a way it’s a preservation of his pre-Hogwarts
self. Pre-James more like.

The room still has its green accents to it and it’s hideously clean. Nothing like the dorm full
of thrown around shoes, laundry, crumpled paper, and mismatched trinkets. His bedroom that
he lived in for eleven years looks like he never lived in it at all. As if he only started living
after getting to Hogwarts. Or, after meeting James.

James and Hogwarts are quite synonymous, met at the same time, changed his life at the
same time. It’s hard to pick them apart, as if he and the school are one entity that can’t be
separated.

Sirius wonders if his mother will let him write James this time.

———

JULY 3, 1972

James!!!

James James James guess what

It’s me, Sirius!!!!!!!

I’ve written a letter for you!!

My mother is acting strangely and giving me everything I want, it’s brilliant. Dunno what I
did, but I don’t care. Hi James!!!!!!!!!

Sirius

James walks around the house, grinning down at the letter he received this morning. He
thought it was from Peter, or maybe possibly Remus, but not Sirius. His mother is treating
him well, it seems, which makes him even happier.

“Jamie, who’s got you so happy?” his mum asks from the couch.

He looks up and waves the parchment excitedly. “It’s Sirius, he couldn’t ever send letters
before, but now he has!”

Euphemia cocks her head with a motherly pout. “Why can’t he?”

“Oh, his mum,” James waves off. “She’s usually awful, not today though.”

She clicks her tongue, opening her arms and letting James crawl in, which he does like
second nature. “Mm yes, Walburga Black is a piece of work. I’ve had the displeasure of
talking to her before, big bunch of blood purists, that family. How’d someone like Sirius end
up there?”

James snuggles in closer with a shrug, smiling as she cards a hand through his hair. “I mean, I
influenced him a bit. A lot. He’s great though, he’s my best friend.”

“Oh, not me and your dad anymore?” Effie teases.

“Well that’s not fair, I’m not choosing,” James whines, closing his eyes as his mum continues
to hold him. “You’re all my best friends. Everyone’s my best friend.”

She chuckles. “Right. How are the other two?”

James hums. “Peter’s good. He’s funny.”

“Mhm. And the other?” He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and maybe it’s a motherly
instinct, but she just gets it. “Didn’t work out?”

“…Not sure,” he mumbles, feeling quite sleepy here. “He kind of just…got rid of us all at the
same time. I wish I knew what we did wrong. Sirius seems to know, he was very angry the
last few days of term, but he said he promised to keep it a secret.”
 His mum is quiet for a minute, just stroking over his scalp as the energy leaves his body.
“That’s quite commendable though. Sirius seems good. I like him.”

James smiles. “I like him too.”

He grumbles, fully turning into his mum to let her just hold him while he drifts. The response
letter can wait, Sirius isn’t going anywhere.

———

Chapter End Notes

I love this chapter I dunno why. It’s a bit angsty but not over the top.

Poor Remus, I think his brain is so interesting with the way he sees his role as a victim
of the universe.

At the moment, Sirius feels fairly out of place in the place he grew up in and is
extremely confused by everyone else’s behavior. That will get explained eventually.

Also Regulus!! In the process of being unlocked, I hope his characterization reads well I
worked hard on that.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed!

 Summer 1972: Family
Chapter Summary

Mini stories from everyone’s summer!

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 20, 1972

Lily can’t remember how long she’s been laying down atop this hill unmoving. It’s twilight,
lightning bugs and crickets are starting to come out, but she still stays here. Her ankles are
crossed and arms lay behind her head. She’s wearing regular clothes again, something she
didn’t realize she’d miss so much. The long robes and skirts get annoying after a while.

She wonders where all the insects that are known for coming out at night go during the day.
Do they hole up in the ground? Go into hiding? Makes no sense for a lightning bug to hide
during the day when they make themselves so visible at night. Must be easier for frogs or
whatever eats them to see them then. Maybe the frogs are sleeping.

Stupid train of thought, Lily thinks. She opens her eyes, the sun low on the horizon and she
knows she should be home for dinner by now. But she rather likes it out here, where it's quiet
and her only company is the earth. No sister to scowl and turn up her nose at her.

The only person she’s truly enjoyed being around the past few weeks is Severus. He’s
different at home, he reverts back to his old self. She’s not sure if she should see this as a
good thing, he doesn’t have a great home life, and especially not a good father; but there’s
something gentler about him back at home. He cares about her feelings and there’s none of
that superiority hanging around his neck here. He’s just like anyone else, maybe it’s
humbling.

Either way, she really should get back now before her parents start to worry. They don’t seem
to wonder where she goes anymore, which is interesting. Maybe after nearly nine months of
having their daughter doing magic in fairyland they forget that she’s still able to get into
trouble.
She dusts off her shorts and sneakers, trailing back to her house as twilight turns to dusk.

By the time she gets there, it’s black out. It would be nice to be able to make a light with her
wand, but apparently she isn’t allowed, because she’s muggleborn and there’s muggles
around. Or maybe it’s just the latter, but it definitely feels like the former. Everything always
comes down to being muggleborn somehow. As if it's a big deal.

“Hey, flower, care to join us?” Her mum, Jane, asks as she pushes her shoes off in the
entryway. Petunia makes a groan audible from the dining room to where Lily is, which she
finds quite impressive.

She hears her father mutter, “Be nice, darling,” to her sister and makes her lips into a line.

“I’ll be there in a second!” Lily calls, running to the kitchen to scrub her hands. She feels
eyes on her, as usual. It’s odd being…odd. She scoots her chair in and starts grabbing from
what’s on the table, chicken and mash.

Petunia’s stopped eating and has taken to staring at her like she’s a blockade between the
food and her mouth. Lily looks at her. “Why can’t you just do a spell for these things? Don’t
get the point of magic if you can’t even use it to wash your hands,” Petunia says without any
real curiosity.

Lily shrugs as she scoops a spoonful of mash onto her plate. “It’s against the rules.”

Petunia scoffs. “So you have a magic wand, and you can’t even use it? Fat load of good that
is. What are you even learning there?”

“Well, I’ve tried to tell you, but you like pretending I don’t exist.”

The table goes quiet other than the clacking of forks on china. Lily continues to eat,
unbothered by whatever drama Petunia’s trying to stir up.

Lily smiles at her mother within the dragging silence. “Chicken’s good, mum.”

She smiles stiffly. “Lovely. Sweetie, why don’t you talk more about school with us?”

“Not much to talk about. I made friends, learned spells, now I’m here.”

Her dad nods slowly. “Friends like who?”

“Oh, you know,” Lily shrugs around a mouthful of chicken. “Still friends with Severus. I’ve
got lovely roommates, Alice, Dorcas, and Mary. Y’know, Mary’s like me. Born from
muggles.”

“Muggles?” Petunia scowls. “What’s a muggle?”

Lily swallows and sits up in her chair. Oh, she should’ve kept that to herself. “Uh, well.
Basically it’s like…regular people?”
“What, your kind made a nasty sounding word for normal people and you just use it?” Her
sister curls a lip and stabs her chicken slowly. Lily’s eyebrows twitch at your kind, but she did
just introduce them to the word muggle by mistake. It really isn’t a pleasant word, is it?

“Yeah, that word sounds quite…rude, darling, don’t you think?” Her mum asks quietly.

The last thing Lily wants to do is introduce them to magic-people-prejudice, so she lies. “Oh
no, everything’s got a silly word there! The school’s called Hogwarts, for Christ’s sake. I
know a bloke with the last name Longbottom, I promise it’s not rude.”

Her father actually chuckles at that, the rest of the table turning to him. “What? That’s just
unfortunate.”

Lily gets her attention back to her food, stuffing it with mashed potatoes, quite thankful that
they believe her now. At least, her parents do. She doesn’t think Petunia would believe her if
she said the sky was blue.

———

JULY 27, 1972

A cool, damp towel is the first thing Remus feels as he comes back to himself, physically
and…spiritually he supposes. His face twitches at the small droplets of water sliding down
his face into his hair where he lays.

“Remus, baby, are you awake?” His mum whispers.

He groans silently, turning into her touch. Everything is beyond sore, none of Pomfrey’s
potions are here to help him now, just like it used to be. Lyall has made a handful, but they’re
not nearly at her level of expertise.

Hope presses a kiss to his forehead then replaces it with the towel. “It’s been a while since
I’ve seen you like this, I nearly forgot how much it hurts you.”

Remus' hums turn into a wince as she presses into a particularly sore spot on his right cheek.
“Did Dad make anything for me?” He mutters, voice gravely and weak.

“Mhm. I was waiting for you to wake up,” she speaks softly, grabbing a few vials and putting
them at his side. She coughs slightly and clears her throat. “We didn’t expect such a bad
moon, though. I don’t know if there are enough here.”

Two bad moons in a row, what a joke. Remus doesn’t even try to push himself up, knowing
his body will give out as soon as he tries. His mum gets it, and gently lets him sit up just
enough to tip a few potions down. She looks just as youthful and kind as ever, face bare and
thinly plucked brows twisted together in concern and focus.

“There you go, lovely. I’ll fix you something up, what are you feeling?”

“Maybe like a quick wrap. Nothing fancy,” Remus mumbles.

Hope moves to the kitchen with a slight sense of urgency. “So just some ham, cheese, and
lettuce?”

Remus makes a noise of agreement before focusing on himself to assess the damage. Bad
moon, she said. He can feel a sharp pain in his back, but that’s normally there. His face hurt
when she pressed it, likely a bruise forming. He pulls up his sleeves, seeing thin red lines
moving up his arm. Minor cuts, those won’t even leave a scar. He rolls his ankles for any
damage there, inhaling sharply at a certain angle in the right. Oh, sprained ankle, that’s
unusual. It’s usually just cuts, scrapes, and bruises. That’s going to be hell to walk on if his
Dad doesn’t get better at potion making soon.

It wasn’t an awful moon, he’s definitely had it worse. Last month was quite…torturous. Not
even including the fact that he had to throw away every friendship he made in one fell swoop
that day. It gave him sharp and deep gashes on his torso, an arm, both legs, and his face.
Sirius could have picked any other moon to show up after, and he would’ve looked quite
normal. But of course, his luck.

Neither James nor Peter have sent him letters this month, so he supposes they hate him now
too. Hefty price to pay for something he’s never wanted a second of his life.

His mum returns, placing the plate and a glass of chilled water on the coffee table in front of
the couch where he rests.

“Thank you,” Remus smiles softly.

She shakes her head, clearing her throat once more. “Don’t, I’m your mother. Do you need
help?”

At first, he wants to say no, but the pain in his back is actually worse than usual. So he gives
in. “Yeah, a bit,” he sighs shamefully.

She climbs onto the couch beside him and eases him to sit, placing a couple pillows behind
his spine to prop him up. They sit in a gentle comfortable silence for a long while as Remus
chows down, the moon always leaving him starving in the aftermath.

About halfway through it, midway through his chewing, she utters, “I’m sorry.”

Remus doesn’t look over his shoulder, it’ll hurt. “What for?”

“I didn’t stop him.”

Oh, this again. And he doesn’t say that in a rude way, he knows it’s just Hope’s guilty
conscience coming to surface once more as she watches her son suffer.
“It’s not your fault. No one’s but his. You know that.”

She sighs, turning her head to roughly clear her throat once more before resting it over his
shoulder. “I do. I wish I’d been born a witch though, I could’ve unlocked that door in a
second. I could’ve gotten rid of him.”

Remus purses his lips. “No point in wishing. Besides, if you were a witch, you’d never met
Dad.”

Hope hums at that. They met through him protecting her from a Boggart, one that she was
never really scared of in the first place, ironically enough. Despite her softness, she’s not
weak. “Maybe. But I feel like I’d find him anyway.”

“That’s so sappy,” he says with a light giggle. “Food’s good, by the way.”

“I know, made sure to put in extra ham for the protein, Get you nice and strong.”

Remus chuckles through a mouthful. “Thanks. Can I just stay here for a while? Sprained my
ankle last night, dunno how.”

She picks her head off his shoulder and sits up. “Of course you can, sweetie. Sprained ankle,
that’s unusual. Are there any potions that can help with that? He’s labeled some. Uh…” Hope
picks up each vial to read them off. “Blood replenishing, healing—that’s probably it—
murtlap essence, wiggenweld…oh love, I don’t know what these mean.”

Remus adores her. “I think healing will work well enough.”

“Good, I wish your dad was not at work right now. Make this easier for me.”

He sips the potion down gingerly, feeling the hot swelling in various places on his skin
slightly settle. Remus has always wondered how it must be to find out about the magical
world as an adult. It’s different as a kid, that childlike wonder still exists. It existed in Lily,
when they spoke. But once you grow up, it’s gone. You’re solidified in reality, and there
aren’t so many gray areas. These things exist and these don’t.

Hope didn’t meet Lyall until her mid-twenties with her Boggart encounter. They fell in love
very quickly, getting married within two years, and one after, Remus was born. Now, she has
to deal with a Werewolf son, he’s surprised she’s not lost her mind. It must be exhausting for
her, even if she doesn’t say anything. She lost the rest of her youth making sure he didn’t rip
someone apart, and will continue to every time he comes back. Because that’s what she does
as his mother. It’s a burden he’ll enjoy removing from his parents’ lives one day.

But for now, he sits and enjoys his poor mother’s company.

———
AUGUST 1, 1972

“Ah ah, Felicity, give me that,” Peter holds out an open palm in front of his sister. She’s
currently in the middle of chewing a metal bottle cap, and it’s covered in gross toddler
slobber. He’s not going to forcefully grab it from her though, cause then she’s just going to
cry, the little problem maker.

She pouts and drops into his hand, all wet and disgusting. Peter looks down at it sickeningly
and tosses it into the bin while praising her. Positive affirmations, even if he feels slightly
violated.

Summer break has hardly been a break for him. Now that he’s back, his parents don’t need to
pay for a babysitter, so they don’t. That’s his job.

The only thing keeping him going are the weekly letters from James and the once-in-while
ones from Sirius. They update each other on their lives and things, it’s simple but enough.
Sirius hadn’t sent him anything the first time around, so he’s actually quite happy he’s
decided to this time. He hasn’t had as many one-on-ones with Sirius like the others—or…
other. He doesn’t understand the fallout they’ve all had with Remus, and so suddenly too. He
considered sending him a letter before just to ask, but held back. Maybe he really does want
nothing to do with them anymore.

He was getting close to Remus as well, they had a sort of solidarity thing going on. Maybe it
was all like Sirius said, fake. Dunno.

Most of James’ letters involve Mum and Dad talk and Quidditch. Always with Quidditch.
He’s practicing and pushing himself harder than ever this summer to make sure he’s ready for
tryouts to make it as a Seeker. They already have a Seeker in seventh year, so…honestly
Peter has his doubts of it happening. He doesn’t tell James this though. He’d never.

Sirius on the other hand, doesn’t seem to do much at all. Always talking about how bored he
is or his brother. It could be their lack of a true bond compared to his with James, so Sirius
doesn’t know what to say. Not that Sirius isn’t his friend, he is. Of course he is. On the other
hand, his borderline aristocratic life could somehow actually be a bore. Who knows.

Peter makes his way back to Felicity, who in the few minutes he was gone, picked up crayons
and started scribbling them over coloring pages she found. This stage of babysitting is hard,
because she’s got a brain now and does things instead of just sitting there with a bottle in her
mouth. Since she’s not a baby anymore he’s also had to take up the responsibility of
homeschooling her. It’s early knowledge, like the alphabet and whatnot, so it’s not hard. Peter
just wishes he could go out and play with other kids instead of looking after his sister.

“D’ya like my dino?” she squeals, turning her paper over to Peter with a toothy grin.

He nods deeply. “Yes, looks good Lissy!” Peter exclaims. “What color is it?”

She looks down at the dinosaur scribbled in blue and puckers her lips. “Bloo.”
“Yep, same color as…” Peter points out the window.

“The sky!”

Peter continues his nodding as encouragement, actually quite sick of this. It’s fairly rude to be
tired of his little sister, but after an entire month of this, he’s ready to go back to school.

———

Sirius!!! My mum’s trying to make me tidy my room and I don’t want to. Tell her off.

James

James, I wouldn’t tell your mother off if someone threatened death upon me. She sounds so
lovely. Also, this makes no sense. By the time the letter gets to me, it’s hours later. Surely she’s
forced you by now.

Sirius

Yeah she did. She appreciated your comment though! You have to meet her.

James

Maybe!

Do we need to sign off our letters? We know who we’re sending them to.

Sirius

Suppose not. Merlin, this takes forever. Why doesn’t someone make a faster way to talk from
long distances?

Dunno.

You did not just take three hours to reply with ‘dunno’.
-

Yeah that is a bit stupid. Let Tally rest, I fear her wings are gonna fall off.

——

Hi, James! Had another stupid dinner today, some of my cousins came over. Narcissa and
Bellatrix. They’re annoying. Bellatrix is loud and Narcissa just seems bored all the time.
Walburga kept asking her all these questions about Hogwarts, and how fantastic Slytherin is.
I think she’s trying to influence Regulus, but it’s not like I’ve been countering it. I don’t care
where he goes, long as he’s happy.

Anyway, my parents are going with Regulus and I to get our supplies on August 15th. (This is
a suggestion for a ‘you just so happen to be there too’ kind of thing.) Hope you show!

Sirius

(P.S if you are, give me a store to run away and find you in)

Sirius!! I will be there. Meet me in Quality Quidditch Supplies.

James

Of course you wanna meet there. Oh, you’ll get to meet Regulus, woooow. He’s going to hate
you!

Whaat? Really?

Without a doubt.

———

AUGUST 15, 1972

James has dragged his parents to Diagon Alley much earlier than last time all because of
Sirius and his dumb schedule. His family must get everything early to avoid all of the people
who don’t know what they’re doing…meaning muggles.

He stops off to buy books first for every class, now including Astronomy and Herbology, two
new ones to add to the roster. His dad also decides to buy him a new cauldron, because why
not?

Now, he skips over to Quality Quidditch Supplies in glee, ready to either gawk at the new
brooms or find his best friend.

The latter, it seems. Sirius is looking around by himself and spots him.

“James!” he shouts, running over to him.

“Sirius!”

James wraps Sirius into a big hug, one that’s not really reciprocated. He’ll work on that. He
pulls back and grins.

“Oh, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! I missed you,” James says, hoping he gets one
in return.

Sirius nods with a thin lipped smile. “Yeah. I uh—I did too.” Close enough. He glances over
James’ shoulder and freezes. “Are those your parents?” He asks quietly.

James spins, catching his mum’s eyes and turning back. “Yep! Mum, Dad, this is Sirius!”

“Oh, well—“ Sirius seems to shrink into himself then as they approach the two of them with
smiles on their faces.

“Finally, a pleasure to meet the one keeping Tally in good shape,” Fleamont says
lightheartedly and reaches a hand out for Sirius to take. He does, firmly.

He puts on a polite smile with very wide eyes, the image of pure panic. “Yes, an absolute
pleasure to meet you. And Mrs. Potter. I’ve heard all about you!”

Fleamont laughs hard enough his head falls back and Effie has to lightly hit his back. Sirius
looks horrified. “Ah, I’m sorry about that, son. You can let go now, by the way.”

Sirius snatches his hand away with another tight smile. James watches his dad mumble
something in his mum’s ear and giggle. “We aren’t going to bite, Sirius, swear it!”

He laughs, a very pronounced ‘hahaha’ forcing itself from his throat. “Lovely. Um. Nice
meeting you both, Mrs. Potter, Mr. Potter. Alright.”

James waves to his parents and pulls Sirius further into the store so he can look less mortified
by himself. “What was that?” He cackles.
“I don’t know…” Sirius moans, dropping his face into his hands. “That was horrifying! You
didn’t say your parents were going to be here!”

“Of course they’re going to be here, Sirius,” James deadpans. “They’re my parents.”

With a grumble, Sirius does a full three-sixty of embarrassment. “Whatever! Look at the
shiny snitches, just forget about that.”

“Ooh, good idea.”

The two of them—or just James—geek over the broom models for nearly twenty minutes
then. The newest and best model of the year, Cleansweep Seven, is James’ dream broom.
Right now he has a Cleansweep Four, and it’s a fantastic broom, really. He’s had it for years,
but Godric, if he makes the Quidditch team, he’s getting that Cleansweep Seven. No doubt
about it.

Sirius nods along with everything he says, but doesn’t seem to have much input for himself.
Apparently, he has a broom, but it’s not a racing model, just for transport. Even then, he
doesn’t really use it because his mother relies on apparition. Sirius should come over to his
house one day, he’ll show him what a real broom can do.

He also flicks through about fifteen different magazines with Quidditch players littering the
pages, each flying around the page and showing off a skill. His eyes linger heavily on the
Seeker for the Chudley Cannons, Theodore Fog. Famous for being just like his surname, no
one can touch him.

Like everything James wants to be, he’s tall, strong, charming, and a fantastic player. That’s
going to be him one day.

He watches Fog glide along the page before doing a flip as a tiny golden ball flies overhead,
catching it in a fist.

“Oi, James, stop fawning over the players, let’s go get something from the Ice Cream
Parlour,” Sirius teases, snatching the magazine from his grasp and putting it back on the
display.

James laughs in disbelief. “I am not fawning over anything. He’s a seeker, and he’s cool. I’m
gonna be a Seeker this year.”

“I know, James.”

“I am!"

“…I know, James.”

James nods. “Okay. Ice cream?”

“Yes please.”
The two find Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour pretty quickly, it’s pink and there’s a
giant ice cream cone sticking out of the side.

Sirius hums, looking up at the sign. “Hm. You reckon this guy’s related to Alice Fortescue?”

“Oh, hey, maybe he is! I don’t really know her though. Do you?” He asks.

A chuckle leaves Sirius as he shrugs deeply. “No idea, she hangs out with Evans.”

James opens the door, bell jingling on their way in. “Well, I know that.”

The ordering doesn’t take long seeing as they’ve been here a handful of times before. James
gets orange marmalade in a cone and Sirius orders an earl gray and lavender in a cup.
Typical, neat bastard.

In one of the bright pink booths, they just talk. It’s nice, James missed Sirius so dearly that
just talking like this feels special. They spoke daily through letters, but face to face is
different. Better, that is. He can see himself making Sirius smile.

The bell on the door rings, and in comes a boy who looks almost exactly like Sirius, just with
shorter hair. James knows who it is immediately, and Sirius follows his eyes, turning around.

“Oh, Reg!” He waves, catching not just his attention, but many others.

Regulus, Sirius’ little brother, looks embarrassed by his shouting and stiffly walks over to
them. “Thought you might be in here,” he says, watching Sirius lick off his spoon with a look
on his face.

Sirius swallows, pointing to the register. “Go order something, sit with us!”

At the word ‘us’, Regulus flicks his eyes towards James and grimaces. “You’re his friend
then?”

He nods. “Yep, and you’re Regulus. Sirius talks about you all the time, does he ever talk
about me?” James inquires with a smile, resting his cheek on his fist.

“Yes. He’s annoying. Assuming you’re the Potter?”

“The Potter, oh that’s fun. Yes, I am. The Potter.”

Sirius groans, licking another spoonful off the plastic. “Ugh, Godric, he’s gonna be saying
that the whole year now. Regulus, you should order something.”

Regulus shrugs, sticking close to Sirius. Despite his…bluntness, he’s actually quite shy.

“I could order for you,” James offers sincerely.

Regulus just makes a face at him. “No, I don’t want anything. Even if I did, I don’t need you
to do it for me. I’m not stupid.”
 James shrugs before taking a lick of his orange ice cream. “Never said you were. I don’t
care.”

“Okay. Well. Whatever,” Regulus grumbles. “Sirius, you have to actually buy supplies today,
by the way. We’re not like…coming back. So.”

Sirius sits up further. “I thought Walburga and Orion were doing that?”

Regulus raises an eyebrow. “No. They’re not house elves. Go buy your own books, stupid.
You’ve got money.”

“Oh,” Sirius mumbles, stirring his melting ice cream around his cup into a smoothie. “Yeah,
suppose I do. Did you get a wand yet?”

James watches the two having a conversation, and despite the fact that Regulus has an eye
roll prepared for every time Sirius opens his mouth, they’re comfortable with each other.
Sometimes James wishes he had a sibling, he could’ve grown up with another person who
wasn’t just his mum or dad. They could’ve had stupid conversations together, chased each
other on brooms, pretended to be sick of each other's presence when that’s all they wanted.

He sighs. In another life, maybe.

———

Chapter End Notes

Another chapter I really like, Remus' section kills me especially and I can't say why.
Lily's disconnect with her family I think is really interesting because her parents take so
much pride in her, favorite child and all, but they just don't know how to talk to her
since she's so different.

Going a bit into Peter's home life was interesting, it's always been a big headcanon of
mine that it's something similar to this. Like everything else, it explains why he is the
way he is. Then James and Sirius are just being so silly in their letters, I adore them.
Lots of hints to the future in this chapter. I hope you all like it :) leave any comments if
you have any, it would be super appreciated!
 Second Year: I Dare You
Chapter Summary

Second year begins!

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.8k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 1, 1972

Back on the train, it feels like he never left. Remus sits with just Dorcas and Mary, seeing as
Marlene and Cynthia Night have found someplace else this time. He likes these two, they
seem to come in a pair and play off one another like they’ve known each other their whole
lives. A bit like Sirius and James in that respect.

Merlin, he’s been dreading seeing them, it’s going to be beyond awkward for everyone
involved. None of them sent letters to him, and he didn’t send any in return. It’s his fault for
cutting them off, but it still hurt just having his mum and dad to talk to for two entire months.
It isn’t like he has other friends his age.

Maybe Dorcas and Mary could be considered friends soon, but he’ll still keep his distance.
They’re friends with Lily, which makes things difficult. This year, Remus is going to focus
on keeping himself safely away from people. Getting close, it’s dangerous that way. The Wolf
bites.

“I hope the sorting doesn’t take too long,” Dorcas complains, rubbing an eye. “Too tired, I
got no sleep.” Over the summer, she’s grown taller than Remus, but he’s not hard to beat out.
Her hair is also now twisted into braids instead of the tight curls from last year.

Mary chuckles. “Well, that’s on you. Who doesn’t sleep the night before going back to
school?” She, on the other hand, hasn’t changed much in height, and her hair falls in the same
looser spiral pattern.

Remus thinks he looks the same other than the additional scars, but he didn’t gain any on the
face. Those thin cuts on his arms actually did end up leaving a light amount of scarring,
annoyingly enough. The white marks now trail up his forearms like the roots of a tree.

“I do, apparently,” says Dorcas. She looks at Remus. “Not like he does either. Earth to Remus
Lupin!” She exclaims, snapping her fingers in his face.

Remus snaps his head up at them and stops thinking about how his body hates him. “Hey, I’m
listening! You’re tired, you’re not. Conversation summarized.”

Dorcas rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Make this interesting then, Lupin, I’m already snoozing
here.”

Remus opens his mouth to respond when the door opens and a flurry of red hair and brown
are giggling, about to enter, when they spot him. He locks eyes with Lily Evans and shrinks
in his seat. Her friend, Alice, makes her lips into an amused line and looks between them.

“Got your wish, Dor,” Mary mumbles into her ear. Remus is just ecstatic that his hearing is as
good as it is. It’s lovely how everyone knows about their falling out and finds it entertaining.

Lily pushes her lips out in thought, glancing between all of them before letting herself in,
pulling Alice along with her. She sits across Remus beside Dorcas, and Alice squishes in
beside Mary, who’s next to Remus. Basically, he’s trapped on all sides.

The tension in the air is thick, and Remus thinks he should leave. Where is he going to go if
he does? He could make a stop in Frank Longbottom’s compartment perhaps, but they don’t
really talk. Frank’s closer with James.

Lily’s taunting him, it’s obvious. She’s smiling tightly with a slight angle of the head, waiting
for one of them to speak first.

“Hey,” she says.

Remus hopes the train crashes.

“Hello, Evans,” he mumbles, not quite able to meet her eyes.

Lily crosses one leg over the other and smiles wider. “Didn’t know it was Evans now. How
was your summer, Remus?”

The other girls in the compartment are silent and just listen to them like they’re watching a
drama. Well, whatever, Remus isn’t going to entertain them.

He shrugs. “Fine.”

“How’s your mum?” She asks.

“Fine.”

Lily looks out the compartment window then back to Remus. “Where are your friends?”

“Not here.”
“Why?” She continues to interrogate. “Stop being friends with them?”

Dorcas chokes on a laugh. She quickly clears her throat and shuts up.

Remus tenses his jaw, rubbing out a wrinkle in his uniform trousers. Without a word, he gets
to his feet and slides the door open to leave. Some giggles emerge from the room as he
pushes it closed and walks off. He’ll have to go back for his luggage once the ride is over, but
he would rather die than stay there another minute.

So, alright, maybe not Dorcas and Mary. They’re too close to Lily for it to work out. This is
exhausting, he’s going to run out of people to talk to. Maybe that’s what the universe is trying
to show him, though. Just be alone and go completely unnoticed for the next six years. He
can do that.

Problem is, he has no idea where to go from here. He misses James’ warm kindness, Peter’s
jokes, and Sirius. He misses Sirius. It’s his nosiness that put them here, and the same goes for
Lily. If people just minded their own business, there wouldn’t be any problems.

In the end, Remus decides to wander around until he can snag a seat with whoever’s kind
enough to offer it. It’s not long until they get to Hogwarts, and he isn’t sure if arriving will
make things better or worse. Likely the latter.

———

Just as Sirius assumed, Regulus did not take a liking to James. After Diagon Alley, he was in
a particularly snobby mood, and naturally, when Sirius asked what was wrong, he got no
answer. So, on the train for his first year of school, Regulus sat somewhere else. Sirius
wouldn’t separate from James if his life depended on it, so this is where he’s staying.

He hops off the carriage and stretches up high with a groan. “Oh, I missed this place,” he
says.

James moves slowly under the weight of multiple bags, including his owl, and shuffles up
beside him. “Sirius…” he pants. “Need help.”

“You’re the one who brought more this time.”

“But you’ve only got one suitcase!” James whines. “I asked Peter, and he said no.”

Peter gets beside him with two bags of his own and a thin smile. “Mate, I’ve got two hands.
Two.”

James groans and begins to lug everything with him as they walk, face barely visible above
all his belongings. “My vision’s even more impaired than before, I’m gonna fall onto the
tracks and die now. It’ll be all your faults, and I’ll make you plan my funeral.”
Sirius laughs, he’s unbelievable. “Shut up, you’re so dramatic. Fine, I’ll take Tally, she did all
your insane letter exchanges this summer anyway. She deserves it.”

“You made her do a three hour flight to say dunno, you twat.”

“You asked a stupid question, what do I look like? I’m twelve years old, I can’t do anything
about the time it takes to speak to each other.”

James frowns in thought. “But why doesn’t someone just make a spell that sends messages to
people far away like…thinking it?”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Peter says. “You point the wand at the thing you’re casting it on.
Imagine if you could do spells on things from super long distances, that’s deadly!”

Sirius grits his teeth just thinking about that. Eugh. “I’m with Peter on that. Stick to the owl.”

They enter through the main doors since they don’t use the boats this time around. Once
leaving their bags for the house elves to take up to their rooms, they gather up in the Great
Hall.

“Y’know, I forgot we’re gonna have to listen to that song again and then sit through every
sorting before even a bit of food gets in my mouth,” James complains once more. He’s
always like this when hungry though, and it’s a long ride from Kings Cross to Hogwarts.

“It’ll be fun though,” Peter mutters. Sirius disagrees, this sounds boring. “We can bet on
who’s going where.” Nevermind, Sirius actually agrees.

He grins, pointing at Peter and nodding. “I like that. What are we betting for?”

They all pause to think for a moment. James spitballs an idea first. “Whoever gets the most
wrong has to do whatever we ask for the entire week,” he says with an eyebrow wiggle. “So,
say I lose, you tell me to do a backflip into the courtyard fountain, I have to do it.”

Peter and Sirius stare at him in horror. “That’s insane, James.”

His grin widens. “I know. And if you don’t do what the other says you’re gonna get
something even worse. You in?”

That’s dangerous, he doesn’t think Peter would suggest something outlandish, but James? He
doesn’t doubt he’d say something demented like go for a walk in the forbidden forest alone
with no wand. But, then again, if he wins…he can tell James or Peter to do whatever he
wants.

“Absolutely,” Sirius accepts, giving James a firm handshake from across the table.

Peter seems more hesitant, but after a ten second long staring contest, groans and rolls his
eyes. “Fine.”

They shake on it, and it’s going to be the worst idea they’ve ever had, he’s sure of it.
The massive wooden doors reopen at the back of the room with a low creak. McGonagall
struts her way through with a pool of new students trailing behind her. Sirius pushes himself
up straighter to get a look at Regulus, but his eyes catch someone else’s instead.

As soon as their eyes lock, Remus looks away. Sirius doesn’t though, jaw suddenly tense. He
hopes he can feel his glare under his skin, the prat. Like a rain cloud has just gone over his
head, he slumps back down and turns away towards the front of the room. He’s sitting alone,
even if surrounded by other students, he doesn’t know them. By himself in a room full of
people. Sirius knows that feeling, he felt it this summer during family events where he’s the
obvious odd one out. A white sheep in the Black family.

This, however, is entirely Remus’ own fault. He doesn’t feel for him, Remus is the one that
ruined it. Now he’s alone, which he deserves.

McGonagall does her speech explaining the houses like last year, Sirius tries not to yawn.
He’s just excited for their bet to start, he’s locking into this.

The first to step up is a blonde girl with her hair in two long braids. She isn’t one of his
relatives—which is funny that that’s something he needs to put into consideration—or a
pureblood. She looks sweet and shy.

“Hufflepuff,” he mumbles. Peter and James nod in agreement.

“Hufflepuff!” the hat shouts.

McGonagall lifts the scroll up and clears her throat. “Black, Regulus!”

Sirius freezes, putting the bet to the side for a moment as he finally catches wind of his
brother. He doesn’t look nervous, stepping up to the hat with a blank face.

“Your brother’s a total Slytherin, Sirius,” James notes with little humor in his voice. Peter
nods.

He puts his cheek in his fist. “Yeah. I know.”

Regulus sits down, eyes flickering over to Sirius for a moment. He said he didn’t care what
house he got sorted to, but watching him here feels different. This decides everything. His
friends, his ideals, how much respect their family will offer him.

The Slytherin table don’t mutter to each other in anticipation this time like they did with
Sirius. They don’t know what to expect anymore.

But Sirius does. He knows his brother.

“Slytherin!”

So he doesn’t know what he hoped for.

He watches the table erupt in cheers as Regulus calmly walks to the other side of the room,
not sparing him a single glance. He sits beside Narcissa.
Maybe he should have tried to influence him more over the summer, there’s always a chance
that something could have been different. It’s wishful thinking, of course. There’s nothing
Regulus cares about more than pleasing their parents.

Next to be called up is Barty Crouch Jr, Crouch Sr’s son. Sirius grins, he’s got this one.

James quickly says, “Slytherin.”

Sirius shakes his head. “No way, Barty Crouch was a Ravenclaw, and he’s big in the
Ministry.”

“So?” Peter disagrees. “Not like you followed your family. Slytherin.”

“Slytherin!”

Sirius’s jaw drops. “That’s not fair, you just say what James says!”

“Shut up, I do not.”

“Oh, you’ve done it every time so far, get your own opinions.”

There are a handful more sortings afterwards, and the more this goes on, the more Sirius fears
for his life and dignity. His judgment may not be as good as he thought it was, and Peter
keeps agreeing with almost whatever James says. So, Sirius has gotten six wrong, Peter five,
James four. He might not catch up to James, but he can still beat Peter.

Evan Rosier’s up, which is annoying and a throwaway point for them. In seconds he’s moved
off to Slytherin, then comes Pandora Rosier, the twin. He’s about to blurt out Slytherin again,
but pauses. There’s just something about her that doesn’t feel like a Slytherin. Not like Sirius
though, she’s not a Gryffindor. He takes his chances on the fifty-fifty.

James and Peter have locked in on Slytherin, but at the last second Sirius says, “Ravenclaw.”

“Ravenclaw!”

Sirius cheers, getting odd stares from his table around him. Understandably though, they
don’t know what’s going on here. It’s a very serious situation.

He taunts Peter, getting a tongue stuck out at him. “All caught up to you, Pete. Don’t slip
up!”

The game continues on, and it seems Sirius just got lucky that one time, because he starts to
lose badly afterwards. All the way up the Emmeline Vance, who looks incredibly shy but got
sorted to Gryffindor of all places. Suppose it’s a Remus sort of situation. Sirius internally
rolls his eyes at the thought of him. He doesn't deserve Gryffindor, he's a coward, so he
apologizes to Emmeline Vance in his head.

It doesn’t even matter, because the sorting is over, and Sirius lost. Fifteen wrong answers,
with James only having eight.
He doesn’t look at them choking back laughs, mortified at what they’re going to make him do
this week. Sirius’ two hopes are that he doesn’t die or get expelled. Although, if he gets
expelled, his mother would kill him, so Sirius has one hope. Don’t die.

———

The moment the sorting ceremony and feast end, Remus hopes and prays that once they all
get back to their room, they’ll ignore him until…forever.

Before they go, Dumbledore shares a speech. It’s fairly similar to the speech from last year,
welcoming new students and telling the basic rules. He introduces each professor one by one,
and Remus notices their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor has been replaced.
Professor Mortamissi was quite dull, he’d complained to the others about how unengaging
the classes were. Must have gotten fired.

He was a strange man, always watching his back and sneaking off places. Remus hopes he’s
alright though.

Their new professor is an older woman dressed in green robes a shade darker than
McGonagall’s. Her blonde locks are pulled into some sort of braid-bun combination with not
a hair out of place.

“Please welcome your new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Signe Donahue,”
Dumbledore announces.

Even standing up at her introduction, she has an unsmiling face as she bows her head
amongst the crowd of clapping students. Remus doesn’t join them, he forgets to. There’s just
this look in her eye.

The next few minutes are a blur once he rushes to make sure he gets to the dormitory first, he
doesn’t want to be seen. Not yet. Not tonight. They get the same room, the only change being
the label above it now stating ‘Second Years’ on a metal plate.

Remus snatches his belongings to his bed and darts inside, hangings drawn. They’re laughing
loudly as they enter.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” Sirius whines. “We just started, you can’t humiliate
me already!”

“Yes, we can!” James cackles. “That was the rule, and you agreed.”

“No—“

“Shut up, Sirius,” Peter giggles, Sirius going completely silent in response. “James, this is
gonna be so much fun.”
“I know…wish Remus was here, he’d love this.”

A cleared throat comes from one of them, then silence fills the room for a minute. Remus
tucks himself under the covers and wishes them away.

James continues in a whisper, “Well I didn’t see him come in! I miss him anyway, I wanna
talk to him.”

His hearing really is actually a disadvantage, he discovers. For a long while, he didn’t even
know this was a thing, he just thought that everyone was stupidly loud all the time.

“No,” Sirius grumbles. “I’m not giving him that, he doesn’t deserve anything from you. Or
any of us.”

Remus isn’t sure which is worse, Sirius not meaning to say that so loud or the opposite, so he
could know how much he hates him now.

Maybe this is going to be what makes his condition justifiable. It’s like a paradox. He may
not have deserved it as a child, but as he grows and hurts more people, spinning more webs to
keep them away due to the condition, then he’ll not just deserve it, he’ll earn it. No warrant
without probable cause.

———

Regulus doesn’t tend to find himself in unfamiliar places. There’s a creeping anxiety about it
that tickles the back of his neck and makes him restless. He’s observant at a fault, and he’s
going to pick these people apart. He does this oftentimes during family events, watching
people and tapping into their strengths and weaknesses. It makes for good ‘gossip’, which is
what Sirius calls it. Regulus thinks the word sounds childish and stupid, a bit like his brother.

Sirius getting sorted into Gryffindor is more than a tragedy, truly. He’s completely undone
himself, every building block their parents neatly put together collapsed to the floor in a
shattered mess. Regulus did not have the opportunity to see the damage during the holiday
break, and he’s quite glad he didn’t. The summer was long enough. He’s unrecognizable, a
shell filled by someone else.

He can easily put a face to the crime. The Potter boy he doesn’t shut his mouth about. Overly
forward, jumpy, likely the most improper person he’s ever had the displeasure of speaking to;
not to mention the fact that he’s a blood traitor. Him and his whole family.

Walburga has no idea, but Regulus doesn’t feel the need to inform her, there’s no point. Sirius
is going to get punished no matter what he does seeing as her genius plan didn’t work. He
worked it out on his own. Complete miscalculation on her part, really, considering he’s worse
now.
He doesn’t imagine holiday break will bode well for him since he’s sure his mother will try
something else. Anything else for the heir, her favorite son.

“Ay, Grumpy, mind not sulking in my direction?” Barty Jr, walking headache, quips.

All of his roommates are at least mildly annoying, but Crouch does laps around the other two,
Rosier and Carrow.

“Yes,” Regulus says.

Crouch furrows his brows. “Yes, like…you mind, or yes you’ll stop.”

Regulus stares at him and tilts his head slowly. Annoying and stupid. He doesn’t need
another Sirius in his life. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Yep,” Crouch replies, giving him a once over. “You live up to the last name, big shadow of
Black in the corner. I mean, look at you!”

“I’d watch it, considering one word from my father would have yours out of work.”

“Ooh, you’re like a thorn bush,” he giggles, turning back to his bed to continue unpacking.
“And please, do as you like, I don’t care about his dumb job anyway.”

Just this singular exchange has made a fatigue set into Regulus’ bones. The worst part is,
Rosier is snickering over in the corner at their…’conversation’…for lack of a better word.

Actually, the worst part of this would be the absence of privacy, only getting a curtain to
separate himself from these complete nutters. The easiest thing to do would be to shut them
out and pretend like they don’t exist for the next seven years. Regulus plans on it.

The next few days go like this:

Regulus, the morning before his first ever classes, has his breakfast interrupted by his own
brother. By interrupted, he truly, deeply means that. Interrupted.

Sirius jumps up onto the Gryffindor table, grabbing everyone’s attention before performing a
very loud and very bad song and dance. He doesn’t look happy to be up there, but Regulus is
mortified. He ducks his head between his shoulders and makes a shield from his hands
around his face. This isn’t happening. This is not happening.

After an entire minute of torture, he finishes it off with a flourish of hands and a pained
expression. In fact, he appears to be a second away from keeling over. Sirius—still on the
table—snatches a waffle off a plate, stuffs it in his mouth, jumps off, and leaves.

The moment the door closes, the Great Hall erupts into laughter, but Regulus just sits there,
completely frozen.
He looks to his right at Narcissa, who looks equally horrified by her cousin’s actions. Without
sparing him a glance, she leans over slightly to talk.

“I assure you, he did not behave like this last term,” she mutters, jaw tight. “It was bad, but
it’s somehow…worse.”

“Gryffindor is a disease.”

This continues on for the entire week, where every morning, Sirius gets to his feet and shouts
out a new song. People have actually begun to join him, terribly enough. Due to this, on the
fourth day, Regulus decides for no more breakfast until this is over. He’s astounded at his
patience to even last three days.

Regulus is lucky enough that he doesn’t get to escape it in the halls either. Whatever it is.

Twice, he’s come into view of Potter or this blonde twat pointing in a vague direction to
which Sirius groans and does something terribly embarrassing. The fact that he even listens
to these degenerates, completely tarnishing his dignity and reputation in the process, is
shameful. Regulus had hoped to be able to speak with him, but after this, he’s positive he
doesn’t want to be caught dead with his brother. Interesting how quickly things change.

———

SEPTEMBER 6, 1972

Sirius has officially broken James’ detention record, if that was ever something he wanted to
brag about.

The thing is, he can’t have detentions all at once, so they have been spread out over the next
few weeks. He’s almost surprised he hasn’t gotten expelled. A select few professors despise
him now, especially their new Defense teacher, Professor Donahue, but there’s little he can
do.

No one else knows about their deal. This is bad, especially when Sirius is told to shoot water
at a professor’s head or knock over Snivellus’ cauldron. Anything of that sort is an automatic
detention, so he prefers the dares where he’s just doing something stupid. Like two days ago
where he had to walk around with four ties on for the whole day. One around his neck, one on
the head and around both arms.

His least favorite is the required song and dance of the day, Godric, Sirius wants to crawl into
a hole of embarrassment doing that. He doesn’t even have breakfast anymore, he just walks
in, does his performance, and exits. Dignity is a lost dream.
“Sirius,” James whispers. They’re in Transfiguration, and he’s positive McGonagall already
despises him. He had to make her feet stick to the ground on the second day, it wasn’t very
well performed considering he’d never done it before, yet she was angry all the same.

And the thing is, he can’t just refuse. James said the punishment for refusal is worse than the
actual dare, there’s no point. Sirius will admit that this is a bit fun, though, despite
everything. It gets his mind off one particular person and instead on his impending doom.

“What am I doing…” Sirius sighs.

James giggles. “Leaving.”

He glares at James. “I can’t—“

“Is that a refusal?”

Sirius groans, putting his books in his bag and getting to his feet. He tries to do it quietly, not
bothering to push his chair in and make it squeak on the floor. Other students turn to him with
mostly confused looks. Some look tired of him, understandable. Peter is amused. Remus
doesn’t bother to glance back.

Better reason to get out sooner.

“Mr. Black?” Professor McGonagall calls sternly.

Sirius falters, pivoting to face her. “…Yeah?”

She purses her lips into a thin and disappointed face. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“…Leaving.”

James snorts a laugh, a terrible mistake. McGonagall’s eyes dart between them now and she
sighs, “Black, when’s your next open weekend?”

“Erm…” he thinks. “Seven weeks from now.”

“Seven—“ McGonagall pinches her nose bridge making her glasses slide up above her
brows. “After you finish classes today, you and Potter will come back to my office.
Understood?”

James’ jaw drops in shock. “What? I’m just sitting here!”

“I’m quite surprised you think me a fool,” she scolds, readjusting her glasses. “I don’t want
any more disruptions, so you may as well just go. We’ll make up your work during detention
tonight.”

He nods once, backing out of the classroom with an amused James in tow.

“Are you mad?” Sirius exclaims once they’re down the hall. “Mate, you’re going to get me
expelled!”
James just gives another snort, waving him off. “They’re not gonna expel you. It’s not like
I’m asking you to kill someone, you’re the one who took up the bet.”

He scoffs. “Yes, but a week is a really long time to be doing this for.”

“One day left!” James grins before shrugging with a sigh. “I’ll stop for today, but tomorrow’s
still on. How about that? Can’t talk for Peter, of course.”

“Fine. But I am never agreeing to something like this again, I have detentions scheduled up to
Halloween, you maniac!” Sirius complains, unable to help the twitch of his lips as he speaks.
It’s hard to be mad at James, he doesn’t think he ever could be. Not truly.

Hours later, they’re back with McGonagall and her very tight and stern face that looks down
at them in silence. He wonders how much she can take of them. They should be best friends
with how much they’ve seen each other in the past year. In reality, her opinion of them must
be poor, but he does appreciate how this didn’t have to happen eight weeks from now.

McGonagall takes a deep breath, resting her thin hands on the desk behind her. “Potter,
Black, I would like an explanation. I don’t care which one of you talks, just…inform me why
Mr. Black here has seven weeks of detention.”

James shrugs. “Maybe he’s just a bad student.” Sirius hits him on the arm. “Not a bad
student. He is…Sirius is feeling rebellious.”

He sighs into his hand at the ridiculous excuse. McGonagall doesn’t look amused, as usual.

“Boys, this is a serious matter,” she says.

Sirius opens his mouth to speak when James gets ahead of him once more. “It is a Sirius
matter, isn’t it?”

“You said it wasn’t funny anymore!” Sirius whines, kicking James’ ankles. “Liar.”

James chuckles while McGonagall tries to clear her throat for their attention. “It’s only funny
when you don’t force it,” he adds with a lean into Sirius’ personal space. “I’m just funnier
than you are.”

Sirius scoffs. “Not a chance.”

“Many chances.”

“Boys!” She shouts, making them jump apart in shock. McGonagall never raises her voice
like that, not ever. He shrinks back and swallows. James and Sirius glance at each other, but
unlike him, James looks slightly amused. “You will call off this silly game of yours, and I
will give you an offer in return.”

Quite frankly, Sirius doesn’t feel like speaking up first after that. So James takes the lead,
leaning forward and clasping his hands together as if this is some kind of business
 arrangement. He smiles, saying, “Tell the offer first, and then we’ll see. Ma’am.”

“There is nothing to see,” McGonagall replies with knitted brows. “You are going to stop
whatever is going on here, and that’s final. However, seeing as Mr. Black now has seven
weeks of detention, I’d like to reduce that.”

Sirius almost laughs, that sounds too good to be true. Perhaps her opinion of him isn’t as bad
as he thought it was. “How would you do that?”

“You would help our caretaker, Hagrid, in the forbidden forest this weekend.”

“The—what?! ” James splutters. “But like, what about it being y’know… forbidden? ”

McGonagall shrugs. She shrugs. “I believe you two can handle it. If you agree, Mr. Black
will only have one night of detention instead of seven weeks—“

“I’ll do it,” Sirius says with a quick nod. “James, please, it’s just one night. I really want free
weekends, please. ” He watches James from the side who’s pouting with crossed arms.
“Pleeeease…” he drags. He hopes it’s annoying enough to convince him.

James tilts his head side to side, sucking a breath through his teeth. He makes this
incomprehensible noise before dropping his arms.

“Fine.”

———

Chapter End Notes

New POV unlocked! Hello to Regulus, the rudest and most judgmental child you will
ever meet. I have a lot to work on with this kid...

By the way, reminder, everyone in this fic is an unreliable narrator. EVERYONE. So

when someone says something about how they perceive another person's actions, it does
not necessarily mean it is true. Just a disclaimer.

A lot of this is fairly fluffy, I'm not getting into anything too crazy just yet, that's for next
week. Remus and the girls don't go very far just yet because he is so...sigh. However, the
girls do get a lot more than they did during first year, and afterwards it'll just keep
growing once I get every POV in. Super excited to post all of this year, I've written 99%
of it already and I love it way more than the first.

I hope you enjoyed, leave any comments if you have them <3
 Second Year: Tolerance
Chapter Summary

There’s a poisoned forest and a terrible incident.

Chapter Notes

I don't believe this chapter requires any cws, but it is a littleee bit more heavy at points.

Words: 6.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 6, 1972

“You what?” Peter exclaims, jaw dropped as he, James and Sirius enter their dorm room.

Remus glances up at them from his bed but says nothing, going back to reading.

“It’s just one night,” Sirius shrugs. “It’s not a big deal, they wouldn’t really put us in danger. I
think McGonagall just likes me.”

James chuckles, tossing his shoes across the room. “Oh, yeah. I think it’s all that time we
spent with her last year.”

“Or,” Peter interrupts. “She wants to see you less. Seven weekends in a row stuck in a room
with you two, I’d lose it.”

Sirius starts to undo his tie and furrows his brows at the comment. “You’re with us every
weekend in a row, though.”

“Exactly.”

Remus has tuned into their conversation at this point, spacing out from the words on the page
before him. He has no idea what they’re talking about, and can’t get involved. He’s become
something like a ghost in here. Sirius has been embarrassing himself for the past six days,
and Remus doesn’t even know why. It’s obvious James and Peter are behind it, but that’s all
he knows. If things were different, he’d be having fun with them.
It’s been lonely. He isn’t even Peter’s Potions partner anymore, he swapped out and joined
another student in the class. He can’t tell how that’s made Peter feel, everyone is keeping a
fairly stoic attitude around him. Even James has been too distracted to pay attention.

Sirius, however, is not as good at hiding his feelings as he might think he is. Dozens of fiery
glares are directed at him daily, even now. He can feel it on the side of his face, but he
doesn’t look back. If this wasn’t so one-sided he wouldn’t be upset by it; but given that it’s
entirely his fault and he doesn’t hate Sirius, it sucks. It really sucks.

He doesn’t talk to people at meal times, during classes, in the common room, outside, and
anywhere else he could come in contact with someone. It’s only been six days, but he hasn’t
been this silent in a long time. The only time he’s heard his voice since the train is during
classes when he mumbles an incantation. But even then he gets drowned out by everyone
else.

To sum it up, Remus has become invisible. It’s what he’s always wanted: to be someone who
doesn’t draw attention just by existing looking how he does. When he was younger,
sometimes before bed he’d beg whoever’s out there to get other kids to stop looking at him,
stop backing away. He learned quickly that friends don’t work for someone like him.

Attention is something he never should have gotten from anyone. Now that he’s stopped
looking for it, it’s disappeared.

But there is always the exception, and he’s sitting across the room, wondering aloud about
what he and James will have to do tomorrow night.

“I mean, I can’t imagine what they have planned for a couple of kids in a forest,” he says,
untying each shoe. “Probably some stupid chore like ‘get rid of weeds’. I’ve never gardened
outside before, we’ve barely started in Herbology. Dunno how I feel about getting my hands
all dirty."

James laughs, flopping down onto his bed. “Oh, you’re so posh, you total twat. Can’t get
your hands dirty, Merlin, go outside! Have the sun hit your face every once in a while!”

Remus purses his lips to stifle a chuckle in his throat. Damn you, James.

Sirius tucks his shoes under the bed, jaw agape. “I go out,” he mutters in his own defense.

“Nuh uh,” James says. “It was just summer and you’re still white as snow. Peter’s got a tan,
I’ve got a tan.”

“You’re always tan.”

James pushes his shoulder up and taps his jaw to it. “Yeah, and I look great. Peter, don’t I
look great?”

Peter pauses. He makes a hum of approval. “Could use a haircut though.”

He gets a pillow lugged at him quite violently, the two then scrambling to get the other back.
Sirius laughs, watching the two shuffling side to side as they try to find an open to tackle the
other. In a moment, his eyes dart in Remus’ direction by mistake and all amusement leaves
him. He looks back, unable to stop himself. Peter is pulled down by James, but Sirius isn’t
paying any attention to them anymore. Neither of them seem to be. Invisibility down, Remus
pulls his bed’s drapes closed, a sickness stirring in his stomach.

———

SEPTEMBER 7, 1972

“Question,” Mary says, dangling off the side of her bed with a handful of cards.

Lily picks up a card from the pile and adds it to her own hand. They’re muggle cards from
home, she had a feeling Mary would want to play with her since she’s the only one who’d
know how. And they chose gin rummy.

“Shoot.”

Mary looks between her hand and the top card, a six of spades, and goes for the stock pile
instead. She turns onto her stomach, halfway off the mattress. “So, I know this is old news,
but uh…so Dorcas and I assumed wrongly then?”

Lily’s a bit engrossed in her cards but looks up with a head tilt anyway. “About what?”

“Y’know…the whole ‘you have a crush on Remus thing’. You looked like you were going to
passive aggressively bite off his head on the train,” Mary giggles, swapping some of her hand
around.

“Did I?” Lily smiles, heat slightly tingling her face. “I didn’t mean to. I think I sounded more
rude than I meant to be. And yes, you did assume wrongly. We were hardly friends in the first
place, it was…what? Three months? It happens.”

Mary pouts, grabbing another card before taking another one out. “Yeah, but you didn’t just
drift. It was like you were getting pretty close, then bam! Gone.” She pauses, eyes wandering
in thought. “Funny, done the same thing with the boys, hasn't he? Wonder why, they were all
kind of a group, weren’t they?”

Lily scoffs a laugh. “You’re such a gossiper.”

She shrugs, a warm smile coming to her face. “Getting it from Dorcas. It’s contagious.”

It’s hard to drift around the topic of Remus, which comes up too often for her liking.
Knowing her ex-friend is totally a Werewolf and having nothing to do with that information
is strange. It just sits with her, guiltily.
Remus walks around like people can’t see him now and it’s odd. He doesn’t talk to any of his
friends, and they don’t speak to him. The same way he made sure they never spoke again.

Oh? Oh?

Lily sits up straighter, card game gone from her mind. Remus dropped her when she was
close to the truth, maybe he did that for his roommates as well. But…really? Not to pat
herself on the back, but she’s smarter than they are by a mile, they couldn’t have just found
out. Especially all three of them at the same time. It was one, and Remus had to get rid of
them all since they come as a group. Which one? She doubts it was Potter, he’s denser than a
rock. Pettigrew follows Potter for everything, and Lily can’t see him as very perceptive. But
then again, she just doesn’t know him.

Which leaves one, and for some reason, it just makes sense. Remus was closest with Black
for some reason she still can’t dissect. Black is a nuisance, especially with all the stunts he
pulled this week.

Either way, she’s quite sure she just figured out why Remus is so alone.

“Lily?” Mary asks. Lily blinks at her. “Yeah, Earth to Lily, you just spaced out for a good
minute there. Thinking about something?”

“Uh, not exactly.” She finally makes her move, close now. Just two more of the right cards
and she wins.

———

James can’t think of much while on the way to his impending doom. He likes to imagine he’s
that brave headstrong Gryffindor, but agreeing to do a night in the Forbidden Forest just to
help Sirius out seems like a horrible idea. Then again, every one of Sirius’ current problems
were caused by him, so maybe this is what repercussions look like.

Professor McGonagall is leading him and Sirius down many flights of stairs to the ground
floor looking fairly chuffed about this whole thing. Maybe this is a death trap she’s set up
because she’s sick of them causing problems on purpose. It’s not like James can help it, that’s
just who he is.

“Sirius, do you think we’re gonna die?” James whispers as they approach the door to the
outside.

Sirius gives him an up and down with his eyes and smirks. “Why, scared?”

“…No.”

“It’s okay, James,” he teases. “I’ll hold your hand the whole way through.”
James shoves him over with a groan. “You’re annoying.”

McGonagall leads them out towards a small hut not too far from the castle. It’s quaint, mossy
and made entirely out of stone bricks. She holds out a hand for them to stop before the long
flat slabs that lead up to a tall wooden door. James adjusts his glasses to see better once her
knock on the door is answered by Hagrid, the very large man who always leads the first years
in. He’s never spoken to Hagrid, nor paid him any attention, so he hopes he’s unlike Filch.
That man is just…odd.

“I’ve brought Potter and Black, good luck with them,” McGonagall mutters, as if Hagrid is
the one being punished here just for having to deal with them.

Hagrid ducks his head to exit the hut, and now able to properly look at him, James’ jaw
drops. Maybe he should have paid attention because Hagrid is at least ten feet tall, towering
over McGonagall and definitely over them as well.

If McGonagall really is trying to silently take care of their mischief then he’s sure this is the
man for the job.

“Hello, boys! I ‘preciate you coming out to help tonight,” Hagrid smiles, or James thinks he
does. He can’t see his mouth, it’s covered by a foot of beard. It’s from his beady eyes that
crinkle up at the corners, and it makes James’s body relax.

Sirius nods stiffly. “Didn’t have much of a choice, it was either this or seven more weeks of
detention.” James frowns at him.

“No, it’s alright. We’re happy to help, Hagrid!” He grins, roughly patting Sirius on the back.
“What are we doing then?”

Hagrid leads them towards the forest with just a handheld lamp lighting their way. “Pretty
much, we’re collecting Streelers. Anyone know what a Streeler is?”

James and Sirius glance at each other before shaking their heads.

“Basically, they’re snail-like creatures that change their color once an hour, and when they
do, they release a poison—“

“Poison?” James yelps.

Hagrid sighs. “It’s only toxic to the plants and then the animals that eat ‘em, but once we get
in, I’ll be givin’ you protective gloves.”

Sirius doesn’t seem very happy about any of this all of a sudden either, he’s gone quiet.

James chews on the inside of his cheek and takes the first step into the forest. “So what are
we doing with them?”

Hagrid hands each of them a pair of thick gloves a bit too large for them and a potato sack.
“The problem is, they’re out of their native habitat, way out. We dunno who let them loose,
but they’re killing a handful o’ creatures.”
As they walk through the forest, James feels crunching beneath his feet, like dead grass and
leaves. But it’s everywhere. “So we’re gathering Streelers up in the sacks? Will that kill
them?”

“No!” Hagrid exclaims. “‘Course not. We’re sending ‘em back to Africa, what kind of man
do you take me for?”

“A large one,” Sirius comments dryly. “Why do you need some kids to help with poisonous
creatures anyway? Why don’t you get the elves to do it?”

“If you’re not up for it, we could always go back and have you do the seven weeks,” James
says. He’s having a hard time wrapping his head around Sirius’ current behavior.

Sirius yanks his gloves on and frowns. “Whatever. We should split up, I’m off with James.”

Hagrid looks disgruntled by Sirius, eyeing him warily. “Right. Meet back here when you lot
finish.”

They walk off in opposite directions, dead life crunching beneath them. Sirius and James are
silent for a while, both keeping something on their tongues. For James, it’s why Sirius has
some aversion to Hagrid who’s just trying to help them out.

They light their wands with a quick ‘lumos’, the new moon isn’t offering anything for them,
it’s terrible timing. The soft glow from the moon would at least help, but they’re encased in
utter darkness besides the weak light they make. James desperately hopes there’s nothing else
dangerous in these woods, especially since he doesn’t know what he’s looking for and would
really have preferred Hagrid to be with them for this if Sirius would’ve just kept it together.

“Y’know,” James starts, breaking their near ten minute silence. “He would have been good
help. Why’d you split us up?”

Sirius is a couple feet ahead of him and shrugs tensely. “I don’t trust him.”

“Why not? He knows what the Streelers look like, we don’t.”

“He said they’re colorful snails. You know what a snail looks like?”

James shoots him a look. “Of course I know what a snail looks like. Why are you being
weird?”

“I’m not being weird,” Sirius retorts.

He scoffs, moving faster to catch up. “Yes, you are. Hagrid’s nice, he’s the one always
bringing in the first years. It’s not like you’ve never seen him before.”

“Yeah, but I only just realized what he is,” he mutters. James nearly stops in his tracks but
instead pushes further, finally matching his pace. Sirius glances at him. “Don’t look at me
like that, he’s a giant. Or at least half, and they’re known for their violence. I just don’t feel
comfortable being alone in a dark and already dangerous forest with him. Okay?”
James shakes his head, not even believing what’s coming from Sirius right now. “Yeah?” he
questions, his tone snappy. “Who told you that one, Mum or Dad?”

Sirius’ jerks to look his way again, eyebrows lowered. “My father—but so what? James, this
one is actually true, there's like real history behind it. They kill to kill.”

“Do you really think Dumbledore would’ve let Hagrid stay here if he killed to kill?”

“I’ve never spoken to the man, I’ve got no clue, James!” Sirius sighs, pointing his wand at
the dead grass beneath them. “Let’s just finish this and get out.”

The actual task of collecting the Streelers is quite simple, they’re slow and don’t attack when
pulled off the crisp ground. They’re docile, really. Pretty too, coming in a wide range of
colors. They probably don’t mean to leave a trail of poison in their wake, it’s just in their
nature.

It’s times like this where James remembers where Sirius comes from and how he still has a
long way to go. Forgetting it is easy since they don’t stumble into these topics so much
anymore, but this is one of those moments. It’s not his fault the way he was raised the way
that the Streelers don’t intend to be violent, they just are. They can’t help it.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the time in the forest. After a couple hours, they’re
obviously unable to pick up every Streeler, but with two bags full of them, James thinks
they’ve done a decent job. He’s surprised they haven’t come into contact with anything, but
maybe that’s what Hagrid was talking about. The Streelers killed them. Even if they didn’t
mean to, they still did.

Once they return to Hagrid, he looks more than satisfied with their work, taking all three bags
in one hand back to his hut. James follows, but Sirius doesn’t. He makes way towards the
door they came from instead.

“Hagrid,” James calls, halfway up the stone stairs. Hagrid looks down to him. He must look
so small from there. “I’m sorry about him, he’s not usually like that.”

He heaves a sigh, giving a shrug. “Don’t apologize for yer friend. I’ve dealt with his family,
they’re all real pieces of work.”

“Sirius is lovely, I promise.” Simultaneously apologizing for and defending Sirius, it’s hard
for him to tell which side he’s on. “But I guess you’re right, he needs work. I’ve been helping
him.”

“That isn’t on you,” Hagrid says. Before James can even get a word in he continues. “He’s
not yer responsibility, James.”

He takes a step down.

“Of course he is.”

 ———

SEPTEMBER 12, 1972

After a full week of classes, Sirius can say he’s fairly unhappy with all of it. His timetable is
completely filled up, especially with James making him take Flying for the second year. He’s
under this belief that he has potential even though he’s hardly ever been on a racing broom
before. Sirius thinks James just wants to spend more time with him despite the fact that the
boy is constantly within a ten foot radius from him.

His least favorite by far is Herbology, it’s a completely useless skill and gets him dirty or
smelling like some mystery plant. Peter doesn’t seem to mind it so much, but he’s into those
kinds of things. Animals and plants and whatnot. Not him though, that will never be for him.

Defense Against the Dark Arts is also a nightmare, and not because of the material, that’s not
the issue. It’s this damned new professor of theirs. Professor Donahue, more like the blasted
primadonna of all witches. She’s miserably arrogant and looks down her nose at him like he’s
the scum on her heels. Maybe it’s because James had him perform Densaugeo on her last
week, making her teeth grow past her chin. She was completely outraged, rightfully so,
James was an idiot for that one. But it’s not like he ever did it again. All his detentions with
her have been canceled after the Forbidden Forest fiasco, so that could be another cause for
her disdain. Basically, they hate each other, and…that’s fine. As long as she doesn’t cause
genuine problems.

Walking into his second year of Flying class had him shocked, it’s an all house class. Madam
Hooch said it’s because very few students continue with Flying unless they plan to play on
the team. Sirius doesn’t, but he eyed up his classmates like competition anyway.

Evans is the only other second year Gryffindor here, which doesn’t surprise him much. She
handled it quite well last year. There’s a few Ravenclaws, he’s only able to recognize
McKinnon; then there’s two Hufflepuffs he doesn’t know; and a group of Slytherins, one
being Snape’s friend Mulciber.

Approaching the field quite early before class, he sees a pile of equipment in the center of the
school’s brooms. Quidditch tryouts are on Friday, she must be getting them prepared. Once
again, Sirius does not plan to try out.

“Sirius, you have to try out for the team!” James exclaims, practically walking circles around
him while he tries to get to the rest of his classmates.

“I’m not gonna make it, you know I’m not. You just want me to be there,” Sirius says,
crossing his arms. “You’ll make it just fine, but c’mon, Evans got a better score than me on
the final exam. I’m not beating anyone older than the age of twelve, thanks.” Evans, who is
stood across from him with her own broom, perks up at this.
That catches James’ eye, who jerks his head over and wags a finger around in her direction.
“Evans! I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while, you should try out, you’d be good.”

She furrows her brows. “What? Since when did you want to tell me that?”

James goes silent for a second. “Since uh…” He clears his throat and mutters, “Since you
slapped me in the face.”

Sirius snorts. Evans purses her lips and goes slightly pink in the face. “Oh, yes…well. Not
my best moment, or yours. You’ve had that in mind since June?”

“…Yeah, so what?”

Evans blinks, shaking her head. “Okay…Anyway, why would that even make me a good
Quidditch player?”

James points towards a pile of Beater bats with a flourish, glancing up at her with a raised
brow. “Beater, Evans. Release all your pent up anger on the opposite team like you did on
me, and you’re golden.”

She just scoffs at him. “I don’t have pent up anger, you were being a total git!”

“You’re still mad about it, Evans? It’s been—“ James looks down at his hands, counting up to
three. “Three months already!”

Sirius turns to him slowly, Evans’ jaw already ajar. “Did you just count from June to
September on your hands?” He asks, holding back a chuckle as Evans pins him with a very
concerned glare.

“Yeah. So what?”

“…I need to talk to smart people,” Evans sighs, leaving them and heading to the
Ravenclaws.

She’s kind of funny despite the fact that she completely hates them, he can acknowledge
that.

Finally, Madam Hooch arrives at the field for class to start. She quickly explains the lesson
plan: learn each position, choose one, scrimmage, rotate. Easy enough.

After going over every position they could have, Sirius feels suited for none of these. He
wouldn’t dare touch the Seeker position for the fear that James will whack him over the head
with his broom. Keeper sounds stressful, always watching his back, everyone depending on
him to not mess it up. Out. Chaser doesn’t sound so bad, it’s just throwing and catching a
ball.

Sirius summons his broom and gets beside the Quaffle, currently occupied by five others; a
Ravenclaw, the two Hufflepuffs, and two Slytherins. Evans chose Keeper alongside a
Ravenclaw. Big shocker, James at Seeker, yet another Ravenclaw at his side. Beater is taken
by McKinnon, Mulciber, and two other Slytherins.
Hooch splits them into two teams, based on nothing, clearly. She separates him and James,
puts Evans and Mulciber with James, McKinnon with Sirius, not to mention all of the
students he’s never heard of. Blimey, he’s not sure he’s actually going to remember whose
team is whose.

He mounts his broom and kicks off, waiting for the whistle blow and Quaffle toss. He’s
facing off with the Ravenclaw and both Hufflepuffs, positioning the two Slytherins at his
side. It’s a weird feeling, like this could be him if things were a bit different.

The snitch is released into the sky, James locking his eyes onto the target. A moment later,
the Quaffle is tossed and the whistle is blown, starting the scrimmage.

The opposing team grabs the Quaffle, the Hufflepuff having some trouble grabbing both his
broom and the ball. Sirius swoops in and grabs it, flying off to the other side, chucking it, and
having it fly just past their Keeper, meaning he scores.

Oh, that feels pretty good.

“Nice one, Sirius!” James calls from across the field, giving him a big thumbs up.

Sirius’ smile grows wider, he gives a double thumbs up in return.

A large ball of iron comes hurtling for Sirius’ broom, he yelps loudly and swoops
downwards. Godric, he has never understood the need for it to be so violent here.

The rest of the first round goes fairly well, Sirius and another Chaser score a point and the
opposite team gets a couple in. He soars higher, trying to get a clear view of where the
Quaffle is. It’s bright red, not hard to miss, but among all the moving, it’s lost. Maybe this
isn’t a good position for him.

James flies to his side, kicking his feet and giggling. “Isn’t this fun?” He shouts. “You have to
do try outs!”

Sirius can’t see all that well, his hair’s grown to a bit of an awkward length and the wind
pushes it right over his eyes. He squints. “Yeah, I dunno. I don’t think any position is right for
me.”

“Well, you’ve only tried one, we’ve still got the rest of class!”

He tsks. “How come you haven’t caught the snitch yet?”

“Oh, yeah.” James points to the other Seeker, who’s hanging out up top like him. “After we
nearly caught it for the fifth time we decided not to anymore.”

“What? Why?”

“We wanna be Seekers longer, duh.”

Sirius chuckles, glancing below them again, eye catching on Mulciber going for the Bludger.
He’s facing the wrong side though, isn’t he?
“Hey, James?” Sirius quickly asks. “Isn’t Mulciber on yours?”

He nods. “Yeah, why?”

“He’s not looking the right way. Either he’s daft or he’s—“

Mulciber slams his bat into the Bludger, hurtling at a near deadly rate right for Evans who
isn’t watching for that, because why would she? He’s supposed to be on her team. In a
second, McKinnon is flying in her way with her own bat, striking it off course just before it
hits her in the face.

The two of them shoot down in shock as Hooch quickly calls the scrimmage round to end.

Before James and Sirius even make it off their brooms, McKinnon throws hers aside and gets
up in Mulciber’s face.

“You slimeball, that was targeted, she’s on your team!” She shouts, pushing a finger into his
chest. Mulciber raises a brow, not phased. “Madam Hooch, you saw that, didn’t you? He was
sitting there waiting for it!"

“Ma’am,” he drawls, still looking down on McKinnon with a sneer. “I forgot whose team I
was on. It’s all the different colored robes, so confusing for me.”

Evans looks shaken up from afar, she hasn’t even come down yet. Almost getting your face
crushed in does that to a person. Sirius brings his attention back down to James—or he
thought he did—because he’s looking at an empty field. James is pushing his way into the
group of students surrounding McKinnon and Mulciber. Sirius follows.

“You’re a total liar, you knew Evans was on the other side, you’re just too much a blood
purist freak to put it aside for a practice round,” James scolds, pushing Mulciber by the
shoulder. “You’re disgusting.”

“Alright, I won’t have any of this,” Madam Hooch interrupts, getting between the three of
them. “I’m calling off class early and we’ll pick it up next time. Pack it up, off you go!”

Mulciber stares back down at McKinnon before walking off, roughly bumping into her on the
way out. She says nothing this time.

Evans has finally come down from the sky, but she looks odd, distant even. Sirius doesn’t
particularly like her, but she didn’t deserve that. It was blatant what he was doing, and it was
more than unfair. Like James said. Disgusting.

He’s been learning from James what really is morally right and wrong, unlike what his family
has to say, but this is different. Watching Mulciber dive straight for the Bludger and swing it
towards his own teammate with a force that could’ve gotten her critically injured makes
something swell in him. There’s no reason he could justify that, he’s not even going to try.

There’s little he can say to Evans, they’re not friends, and she’s being walked off with
McKinnon. So Sirius stands mostly alone in the field, wondering how he ever could have
believed what he used to. Especially when it hurts people like this. James must have been
right about Hagrid too. If these are the kinds of things his family would support, how could
he believe anything they have to say?

———

There’s quite a large jump between teases and harsh words to attempted murder.

Lily sat frozen on her broom for multiple minutes before she came back to herself, unable to
fully process what just happened to her. She didn’t even see it coming. She’s more than
thankful for Marlene and her quick reflexes, Lily would be in the Hospital Wing at best
without her.

She knew Avery and Mulciber hated her, she always knew it. Finding out why felt so
ridiculous, like a fake childish thing to separate a them and an us. There’s always a them and
us, it’s what separates her from her family and from nearly every other witch and wizard.
She’s been different from birth, and that was always fine. She can handle herself against
taunts and sneers. But not from that.

It makes it all very real in a way she couldn’t come to terms with before. Now comes coping
with it, and she doesn’t think she can.

Marlene’s at her side, leading her off the field and back into the corridors. She’s saying
something, but Lily’s been tuned out.

“What, sorry?” She asks.

“Oh, I was…asking if you were alright,” Marlene says. She furrows her brows with a head
tilt. “I’m gonna assume not. You keep going elsewhere.”

Lily sighs. She isn’t sure how to talk with her like this, they’ve only spoken a few brief times
since their meeting on the train nine months back. “Yeah. Sorry, I feel kind of strange right
now. Um…thank you, by the way. Like really, you didn’t have to do that, we weren’t even on
the same team.”

Marlene scoffs at that. “That’s ridiculous, like teams matter when a Bludger’s flying at your
head. And when looking at the bigger picture, I am much more on your team than Mulciber
is, that rat.”

“I don’t get how he just gets to walk away from that, no repercussions. Not even a scolding.”

“I just think Madam Hooch didn’t wanna deal with a fight. Or she knows he’s got
connections like any good Slytherin, and accusing him of deliberately trying to hurt you
could get her into trouble,” Marlene theorizes as they turn a corner.

Lily’s breath stutters in her chest. They can’t really do that, can they? “So…what? They can
just do anything they want, and no one can say anything about it?”
“Pretty much.”

“That’s ridiculous!” She exclaims. “What kind of school is this? Can’t I go to Professor
Dumbledore?”

Marlene laughs bitterly, shaking her head. “Good luck getting a meeting with him. He doesn’t
just talk to people, he’s all mysterious. I never even see him around, haven’t you noticed?”

“Haven’t thought about it before…So he does nothing as well?”

“Yep.”

She groans. “This is useless! Without you, I’d be wrapped up in the Hospital Wing or maybe
dead from having my skull smashed in, meanwhile Dumbledore apparently just sits around
on his stupid arse letting all of that go unnoticed. That’s unbelievable!” Lily fumes, ready to
pull her hair out. How dare he? How dare he let this kind of thing pass through the school
system?

Bullying is a problem everywhere, of course, she had some bullies in primary herself. It’s
impossible to get rid of them, they just find different ways to be trouble. But this is beyond
that to a degree she wasn’t aware was possible. And it just makes her want to punch Mulciber
in the face more than she did before.

“You’re suddenly very opinionated on Dumbledore,” Marlene says lightheartedly.

“I’m very opinionated on everything,” she replies.

Marlene stops outside a door and smiles softly. “That’s good, it’s what makes you a human
being. Now, I’m off. Got Charms starting in twenty and I like being early cause it’s my
favorite. Don’t let what he did affect you too much, he’s a pest and deserves the worst. I'll see
ya, Lily.”

Lily waves slightly watching Marlene open the door to a completely empty classroom.
Ravenclaws, she smiles to herself.

Weirdly enough, talking about it with Marlene was distracting her from it. With no one to
reassure or comfort her, her mind runs wild. Have any of the other Slytherins tried something
like that here? How many got away with it? Has anyone died here because of it? Are they
targeting anyone else?

Mary’s muggleborn, she could ask her. She’s off classes now, so she might be in the
Gryffindor Tower.

After many winding staircases, she enters the portrait hole and finds all three of her
roommates sitting in the common room chairs.

They turn to her and are immediately at her side to Lily’s surprise.

“We heard about what happened!” Alice exclaims. “Are you okay?”
Lily backs up, slightly overwhelmed. “What—it happened like thirty minutes ago, how do
you all know already?”

“News travels fast,” Dorcas says.

Mary nods. “Very fast. Are you alright?”

Lily darts her eyes between all three of them and opens her mouth to speak, unable to find
words. “I mean I—I don’t know.”

In a flutter of voices they guide her all the way up to their room, sitting her down on her bed.
Alice checks her up and down.

“You don’t look injured or anything, so Marlene really hit it away last second?” Alice
questions, perching on her bed beside Lily’s.

She decides to just quickly explain what happened to speed this up, honestly Lily just wants
to talk to Mary right now. She’s the only one here who would get it.

Once she finishes, Dorcas asks, “What about what happened after?” Lily tilts her head,
urging her to elaborate. “I heard Marlene got into some kind of stand-off with Mulciber and
then Potter looked like he was going to punch his lights out.”

“Potter?”

She has no memory of him being there, just a great wave of fear that lingered for minutes as
she quietly sat on her broom midair.

“Yeah. Overheard that he stormed in and gave a piece of his mind,” Dorcas says, as if that
isn’t the craziest thing she’s ever heard.

Potter, taking a stance on anything that isn’t jokes and trouble. It’s laughable.

Lily shakes her head. “Nah, I didn’t see him.”

All three of them look disappointed by this for some reason.

Alice hums. “And here I was, thinking he’d done something good for once.”

“Definitely not.”

Lily ends up having to wait hours to be able to speak to Mary alone since Dorcas and Alice
have become glued to her side. It’s nearly midnight when she tiptoes across the room to
Mary’s bed, opening the curtain to her sleeping form. Shyly, she taps her shoulder, a bit
apologetic considering they have class tomorrow. But she isn’t sure how long this can wait.

Mary stirs, making a noise in the back of her throat. She turns over and looks at her, eyes
squinted in the moonlight.
“Sorry,” Lily preemptively whispers. “I‘ve been wanting to speak to you…if that’s okay.”

Mary makes a grumbling noise—but an affirming one—as she pushes herself up. She pats the
bed wordlessly, letting Lily climb in. She’s always silent when waking up, it’s a bit funny.

She quickly casts a charm around the curtains to keep them from waking Alice and Dorcas
then collects her thoughts. “So…about today,” she starts, letting Mary prepare mentally for
an actual talk. “I didn’t really tell the others even though I wanted to, but it was scary. Not
just the fact that I almost got hurt, but why.”

Lily takes a deep breath and continues. “I’ve dealt with people who tease me for the stupidest
things for a long time. Kids are mean sometimes, I know that. But…never like this. The
awful words they say and now…trying to physically harm me for something I didn’t even
know existed last year. It’s just how I was born, it’s not my fault. So, anyway, I just wanted to
ask if they’ve done that with you at all, since you’re like me.”

Mary nods, adjusting the silk atop her head. “Definitely some of it. I’ve gotten my fair share
of Slytherins and their Pureblood nonsense. No violence, it’s all the slurs and whatnot. But…
I dunno. I deal with it.”

“How?”

She gives Lily a look. “The same way I do at home.”

Lily knits her eyebrows in confusion. “You deal with this at home? But how—oh, ” she
breathes. Mary grimaces. “Oh, Mary, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think. Well, that’s awful, you
don’t ever get away from being treated terribly.”

Mary rests her chin in her hand, weakly shrugging a shoulder. “Yeah, I mean it’s just weird,
I’ve spoken about it a bit with Dorcas. Like the whole transition from good old regular
racism to bloodism— I dunno if that’s what it’s even called—is…yeah. Weird. I never
thought I’d get away from being affected by what’s on the outside only to start being affected
by what’s inside too.” She blinks, drawing back. “Like I’m wrong. Next they’re going to say
my soul is rotten for a reason they’ve made up and I’m just going to have to take that.”

It’s probably the most awful thing Lily’s ever heard. She bites her lip to prevent any welling
in her eyes. “None of you is wrong, and you are the furthest thing from rotten. You’re so full
of life and you’re more lovely than any scumbag who thinks of you poorly. The world is a
terrible place, I’m sorry,” she says, placing a comforting hand on Mary’s shoulder.

Mary’s lips twitch into a small smile. “Thank you,” she whispers. “What happened today was
awful, by the way. I don’t think my advice of just letting people do whatever they want to me
is very good. I deal with it because I have no choice. I can’t go end racism, I can’t march into
Dumbledore’s office and get every Slytherin expelled. Maybe you’ll find your own way to
deal with it all, and maybe I’ll find some better way to cope one day. I’m so young, I have
time.”

“It’s hard to feel young out here,” Lily mutters. “I feel so grown up already.”
 “Mm,” Mary hums. “I get it. When was the last time you really felt like a kid?”

Lily thinks, she thinks very hard. It’s been years. How many? Chasing Petunia around the
house for fun, giggling when she catches her sister despite her purposely slowing her pace.
Sleeping in her bed when she got scared. Swinging on playsets, floating to the ground like a
fairy. Magic wasn’t real, she was just daydreaming. Until she wasn’t.

“Right before I found out.”

They look at one another, tired and grown up at the age of twelve.

“…Yeah,” Mary breathes. “Isn’t that awful?”

Lily says nothing. They both already know. She shuffles in closer and leans to pull her into a
gentle hug, tucking her chin over Mary’s shoulder. Mary is soft and rather warm, her embrace
making Lily melt as they sit around each other for a while.

Once she’s feeling sleepy, Lily pulls back. “Sorry for waking you when we have classes
tomorrow,” she whispers, climbing out of the bed.

Mary shakes her head, following after her to the edge of the mattress. “I don’t care.” She
pauses and smiles, just looking at Lily. “Goodnight, Lily.”

“Yeah…goodnight, Mary,” Lily says, her chest feeling weirdly heavy. She lingers for one
more moment before making her way back to her own bed, slightly jittery.

Back under the covers, she turns to her side and breathes in and out. Slowly.

———

Chapter End Notes

So! That's that. Despite everything that happens, James is a real one in this, he's not
taking shit for nothing. And no, Sirius has not fully unlearned everything he grew up
with yet, I think it's important to realize years of being spoon fed an ideology don't just
go away in a second or even a year sometimes. James basically says it, but I wanted to
say it again lmao.

The rest of this chapter was really for the girls. This is a pretty big moment for Lily,
learning the extent that the bigotry goes and how the school system actually totally
sucks! And then there's Marleneee my girl, I love giving her screen time. She gets more
later on! Mary's struggles I hardly ever see get written about despite being in terrible
positions on both sides, so I hope I handled this with tact. And yes, the ending is...a hint!
 Second Year: Feelings
Chapter Summary

James hits a high and a new low.

Chapter Notes

The first solo POV chapter! Enjoy :)

Also just noticed I’ve uploaded this one on Remus’ birthday. Sorry man.

Words: 4.1k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 15, 1972

“Sirius, I’m going to throw up.”

“No you aren’t.”

“No, Sirius. I am going to throw up.”

James paces the bathroom floor, luckily no one’s in here to see this. He just got horrific news.
Sirius is leaning against the sink with crossed arms watching James panic himself into
hysteria.

“I can’t be the Seeker!” He cries. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, I even wore my lucky golden
snitch socks today just to find out some stupid girl has already taken it.”

Sirius cocks his head to the side, narrowing his eyes. “You mean…Basil Goodwin? The
Captain of the Gryffindor team? The same Seeker that’s been the Seeker since her third year?
The one you knew was on the team? And you’re surprised she’s getting to keep her
position?”

“Yes!” James shouts. “There’s so much glory that comes with being a Seeker, I wanted it to
be mine— Sirius this isn’t fair!”
Sirius raises a brow. James is very aware of how whiny he is right now. He sounds like a
child, but he is one. And Sirius is the only one here, so he doesn’t care.

“You can’t get everything you want, James,” he sighs. “There are other positions open,
Goodwin posted it this morning. Two Chasers and a Beater, you saw it.”

“Yeah…” he mumbles, slowing his pacing. “But they’re not as cool.”

Sirius makes a dismissive noise. “Are you kidding? I did Chaser the other day, I wasn’t that
good, but it was fun! Really, I think you’d be a good Chaser. Plus, Goodwin’s graduating this
year, the spot will be open for third year.”

James hums in thought. When he gets on the team this year and builds a reputation as a
Chaser, the switch will surely shock people and bam. All eyes on him. “Yeah…yeah you’re
right…” he ponders, eyes drifting. “Oh, but Sirius, aren’t you going to try out?”

“What? I never said I was.”

“Oh,” James mutters disappointedly. “Can’t you just like…try out for Chaser with me? You
don’t have to really try, I just—“

“Want me there?” He finishes.

James shuts his lips, a bit taken aback by Sirius’ bluntness. He gets like that sometimes. A bit
like his brother actually, who he’s had one bad conversation with, so he’s not sure who gets it
from who. James pushes his shoulders up and grimaces. “…Yes?”

Sirius looks at him a while, blinking slowly. James continues to hold this pose for about
twenty seconds, his cheeks starting to hurt and eyes squinting more as the seconds tick on.
It’s like a stupid standoff with facial expressions.

With a groan and a nose bridge rub, Sirius utters, “Fine.”

“Yay!” James cheers, throwing his arms around Sirius’ shoulders for a second before
dragging him out of the bathroom by his wrist.

Tryouts are in ten minutes, they need to move.

Sirius shouts a few complaints as James speeds down the stairs like lightning, saying he’s
going to tire them out before they even get there. The two dash through the halls together,
hardly looking where they’re going. The trouble with sprinting down a hall in a crowded
school is that…it’s a crowded school, so he ends up bumping into a flash of red hair, but he
doesn’t look back. Sorry, probably Lily, he thinks, he has somewhere to be.

He skids out onto the Quidditch field with Sirius a bit behind him. He must be running on
adrenaline, because he’s not even tired after all of that. There are a few people already on the
field, some being Basil Goodwin, the three others already on the team, Frank Longbottom,
and Eric Jones. The others he doesn’t recognize, most are much older than he is.
Basil is relatively tall for a girl with a lean build and cropped black hair to keep it out of her
face. Goodwin is a fitting name for her. She’s been carrying the Gryffindor team for years,
James just foolishly thought maybe he’d get lucky and have the opportunity for Seeker. It’s
alright, there won’t be much competition after she leaves, he doesn’t think most people would
want to follow her act. But James does, he’d do anything for that spot.

She’s looking past James and Sirius for anyone else that might show up then moves back to
everyone already present. With a clap of her hands, she shouts, “Alright! Looks like everyone
who’s meant to be here is here, if not, that’s their luck.” Goodwin crosses her arms and does a
slow strut around as she speaks. James feels like he’s going to war, not trying out for a sports
team. “We have three positions open. Two Chasers and one Beater. There’s about…thirteen
of you here…Yeah we’ve got time. Everyone will play for both positions, because who
knows, you could be a natural at something you’ve never tried. Sounds good, great. Let’s go
by years, seventh first.”

The process is long and actually quite boring, those trying out play a quick round with those
already in the team. The two seventh years aren’t very good, which must be why they’re not
on the team in their last year of school. Sixth and fifth are on pretty equal footing, which is
just alright. Fourth has one actually decent player, which worries him a bit. Third is just
Frank and Eric, who are… great. Like genuinely really good, Eric best in the Chaser position
and Frank in Beater.

“They’ve got those positions in the bag,” Sirius mutters. “You gotta get that last Chaser spot.”

James’ stomach does somersaults, he’s very confident in his abilities…as a Seeker. He’s
played Chaser with his dad before, but never in a place like this. No, he’ll be fine, he’s The
Potter, courtesy to Regulus for the name.

He and Sirius are called up to play, both mounting their brooms and getting up in the air. He
takes Chaser and Sirius takes Beater, because he’s not really planning on getting in, Frank has
secured his spot there.

Basil blows her whistle, the round starts with the Quaffle being lobbed right into James’
arms. He ducks under the other Chaser and around a Bludger that nearly knocks the end of
his broom.

His vision tunnels, and he moves on instinct. Diving and swerving, at one point doing a
three-sixty around one of their Beaters, finally getting close to the end of the field. James
chucks the Quaffle and watches it soar into the bottom right hoop, the Keeper failing to get it
in time. He must have expected James to go for the top hoop, but he knows better.

Sirius flies beside him so they can high five and get back down to solid ground. “Mate, you
were incredible!”

James grins. “Really?”

He knows he did a good job, but incredible is a very positive word for him. Turns out, Sirius
is completely right. Hours later in the common room, he’s waiting for the results with Sirius,
Peter, and some of the others who tried out. Basil comes in through the portrait hole with a
smile on her face, saying he, Frank, and Eric Jones have made the team. James is practically
over the moon, bouncing around the armchairs and doing little spins around the floor. He's
good. He's so good, he got a spot he's hardly ever played before over students all much older
than him.

“We need to celebrate!” Frank says, jumping into one of the armchairs. “The first Hogsmeade
weekend is tomorrow, I’ll buy us something fun!”

“We should be able to go, though,” Peter protests. “I’m mature enough to go shopping.”

Frank waves him off. “No matter, I’ll buy pumpkin juice and candies and whatever else, it’ll
be a blast! Invite whoever you want.”

“Ooh, Frank, throwing a party, are we?” Sirius quips, resting his hands behind his head.

“Mini party, Black. We’re not old enough for anything fun yet.”

James scoffs. “We have plenty of fun!”

“He’s not talking about pranks, dimwit.” Eric raises his brows and leans back in his chair.
“He means alcohol.”

Sirius barks a laugh, throwing his head back in disbelief. “Frank, I’ve been drinking wine
since I was seven, I can handle a butterbeer.”

“Okay, well no one asked you, you rich fancy twat,” Frank jokes. “Besides, wine is different
from a party drink.”

“Wine is definitely a party drink."

“No it isn’t, Sirius.”

“Whatever.”

Soon enough, the hours tick by and it’s time for dinner. The three of them are on their way
out of the portrait hole when James feels a sudden absence around them. He feels it all the
time, but he never brings it up because it frustrates Sirius.

He feels it when they’re laughing in the room and there’s a silent pair of eyes on him. He
feels it when there’s an empty seat beside them in classes. He feels it now, when he’s
accomplished something and is missing the one other person he wants to celebrate it with.

Remus doesn’t sit with them, doesn’t eat with them, doesn’t speak with them. In fact, Remus
doesn’t speak at all. He’s been practically mute the entire twelve days they’ve been back. Not
to mention how he spends no time in the dorm. He’s either in class or somewhere else in the
castle, likely the library. It must be miserable living like he is.
James doesn’t know what he did, and he wants to know, desperately. It’s been itching away at
him since the last few days of finals, the day after Remus basically collapsed. Sirius had
stayed behind for a few minutes but joined up after, visibly very angry. The next day, he
blows through his finals like a mad man and isn’t seen again for hours. The day after that,
everything crumbled. Why? Who knows, really. He feels incredibly in the dark about Sirius
and Remus and how their falling out apparently also correlates to him and Peter. What he
does know, is that right now, Remus is in their dorm for once.

He backs into the common room again, getting a strange glance from Sirius and Peter. “I
forgot to do something, you lot go, I’ll be a minute.”

Sirius and Peter glance at each other a bit awkwardly, they’re hardly ever left alone together.

“You sure?” Sirius asks. “We could just wait—“

“Yep, I’m sure!” James reassures, starting to push the portrait hole closed. “I’ll catch up.”

“Okay but James—“

He’s sealed it all the way shut, cutting Sirius off and being engulfed in silence. James glances
up the stairs and does a slow inhale and exhale, he’s not going to muck it all up.

Once he’s at the door, his nerves act up and nearly make him turn right around and head to
dinner. But no, it’s fine. He can do this. Just talk to Remus, he was his friend just a few
months ago. Okay. Yeah. Just talk to him.

James opens the door in confidence, walking in and saying absolutely nothing. He opens his
chest and digs through it mindlessly as Remus sits on his bed in silence. Unopened school
books, clothes, some dumb play toys, and a bar of chocolate with the preserving charm his
mum puts on it. James scrunches his brows together, reaching in to grab it from the pile. He
stares at it quietly.

He glances up at the drawing Remus made him for Christmas last year that’s been tacked up
on his bed ever since. Sirius took his down in June, and James wouldn’t be surprised if he
burned it. But James never did, because Remus never hurt him, not directly. He wants his
friend back.

James gets to his feet, wrapped chocolate in hand as he stubbornly walks to Remus’ bed.
Remus jumps, staring at him with wide eyes like he forgot he existed to be noticed.
Wordlessly, he holds out his hand with the candy, but neither of them are looking at it. It’s
their olive branch, they both know that.

He silently begs him to just take it. Take the chocolate and rebuild their friendship, it doesn’t
have to involve Sirius. It can just be them.

Remus blinks, his gaze dragging down to the floor then to his bed. He starts to turn away—

“Remus,” James calls, voice breaking, which would be embarrassing if he cared about that.
The boy still doesn’t say a word and fully turns around before getting to his feet, eyes locked
on the door. In a second, James is there first, back against the wood. “What did I do?”

He watches Remus’ eyes flash pity for a split second. Weirdly enough, that gets his hopes up.
Remus takes a step back, opening his mouth to really speak for the first time since they’ve
been here.

“You didn’t do anything,” he mumbles so quietly James is barely sure if he actually heard
him.

“Then why are you doing this to me?” James pleads. “Obviously it’s something to do with
Sirius, he’s a twat sometimes, whatever. But I didn’t do anything and neither did Peter. Don’t
you care?”

Remus takes a long time to answer, his eyebrows twitching together a few times as he thinks.
“…No,” he mutters, turning back to his bed.

His crassness makes James’ eyes sting, and it’s weird. He doesn’t cry, not really. He cries
when he gets a scrape or twists an ankle. But his chest is heavy and there’s a lump in his
throat, a stark contrast to how he felt just hours earlier. He was on top of the world.

Shakily, James says, “Y’know I got on the Quidditch team today. I didn’t get Seeker, it was
taken. I got Chaser. So um…” he pauses for a few beats, taking a deep breath to hide the
wateriness of his voice. “I thought you’d wanna know that, since you drew my picture for
Christmas. When you cared about us–”

He cuts himself off from talking as soon as his voice pitches with a glance at the ceiling. But
he needs Remus to hear him, because maybe it’ll change something in him. Reverse whatever
has happened in his brain to let him be who he was before it.

“I’ve been trying to ignore you…since that’s what you seem to want so badly. But I miss you,
I really do, you’re my friend and I feel like I’m talking to a wall right now!” The first tear
falls down his cheek like it’s nothing, but the knot in his throat tightens. James wipes it away.
“You won’t even look at me, but you say I’ve done nothing wrong. That’s not fair. And…it’s
not right, just the three of us. We all miss you, even if Sirius pretends he doesn’t, I know he
does. It’s four, it’s been four much longer than it’s been three, and you’ve cut yourself off like
some diseased limb.”

“I thought…” he continues with a still wavering but less broken tone. “If I gave you the
chocolate the way I did before, you might forgive me for whatever I did to deserve how
awful you’re being. You were so kind, and funny, and such a lovely person—why won’t you
look at me?!” James shouts, anger coating over the dejection.

Remus flinches, head hanging low between his shoulders.

“Are you that ashamed of yourself? I’d be. I would never do this to you, not to anyone. And
you know it too, that’s why you’re so ashamed. Whatever,” he grumbles, tossing the
chocolate bar back into his open chest. “I’m off, not that you care.”
James turns back, opening the door and slamming it shut behind him. He’d hoped for some
kind of reconciliation and was instead met with contempt. James didn’t do anything to him,
Remus is just…mean. It’s hard to believe, but maybe it was always below the surface
somewhere, hiding out and waiting for the right time.

He can’t go to dinner now, he’s not hungry anymore. There’s just a swelling anger within
him, like the flames in the brick fireplace from afar. This isn’t a feeling that comes to him
easily. The last time he can remember when he was like this was when Snape had flung him
into that tree.

He needs to cool off before everyone comes back, or he might do something stupid. James
moves down the stairs and climbs out of the portrait hole, needing a place to just hide. Relax,
maybe.

Wonder if that hole behind the mirror is still there, he thinks. He walks for a while, making
sure to time the staircases correctly to get him on the fourth floor. This is already getting his
mind off it since he’s not just sitting still and simmering in the common room.

Mirror…mirror…where was that thing? Someone needs to make a map of this school. He
remembers it being near a lot of paintings and armor stands.

Turning a corner, he finds that hallway with the mirror, the paintings that scolded him before
just past it, and Sirius. Wait—no. Not Sirius, Regulus.

He’s walking ahead of James, ducking his head around and looking for something. As he
takes a few more steps, Regulus freezes and turns to look at him.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

James stops and furrows his brows. “How’d you know I was here? Or that it was me?”

“I heard you walking, and then I turned around and saw your face. Do you think I’m daft?”

He shrugs, a bit confused by this whole interaction. It’s getting his mind off Remus though,
so he goes along with it. “Dunno, you just didn’t seem surprised.”

Regulus shrugs lamely. To be fair, in their two conversations, James doesn’t think he’s ever
seen an expression on his face that isn’t blank or disgusted.

“Okay,” James says. “Well, I was looking for something, so…I’ll be off.”

“I was too. These stairs have the most inane design in the world, they moved me around.”
Regulus looks around and James follows his eyes with his head. “I’m looking for the library.
I don’t know which floor it’s on.” James opens his mouth and glances away. Regulus blinks
at him with that disgusted face he makes a lot. “You don’t know where it is. You’ve been here
an entire year and you don’t know where it is.”

He clears his throat. “Nope. Hope you find it, bye.”

James walks right up to his mirror and stands there, waiting for Regulus to start off in another
direction. He doesn’t, because he’s the most judgemental eleven year old on the planet. The
way he speaks is quite funny actually, the pitch is just like any other kid his age, but
everything else is far more formal than it really should be.

“You’re either up to something or you’re incredibly vain, and both options are completely
believable.” Regulus sighs, crossing his arms. “But I think you’re up to something.”

Honestly, James came here to be alone and cool off, so Regulus’ persistent presence is a bit
of a bother. “I’m not up to anything, just go back to what you were doing.”

Regulus stares at him, then at the mirror, flickering his eyes between the two. Bluntly, he
asks, “What’s behind the mirror?”

“Nothing.”

“If there really was nothing, you wouldn’t have said nothing, you’d just be confused.” He
walks up to the glass and taps on it. It makes an echoey sound. “Oh, hollow. Look at that.”

James has to give it to him, Regulus is unnaturally clever, and it’s almost annoying. He sighs,
“Look, it’s just a hole in the wall. I’m trying to—Well I’m trying not to take this out on you
because it has nothing to do with you, so if you’d just kindly… leave. I would appreciate
that.”

“Okay, but now I know there’s a hole in the wall, I’m not just going to leave,” Regulus says
with a shrug. “How much longer is dinner?”

He doesn’t have a watch, and there’s no clock anywhere around here. Why is he even asking?
James just wants him to go.

“I dunno…probably not long. Few minutes maybe. Just go back to the Slytherin dorms.”

“Dorms,” he mocks with actual emotion in his voice. “Torture chamber, more like. I’d rather
die than spend more time than I need to with all of those insufferable people. Take the mirror
off.”

James scoffs. “I don’t have to do anything. You do it if you’re so curious, then.”

“Okay.”

With a slight amount of struggle, Regulus gets his hand behind the mirror and tries to pull it
off only for it to function more like a sideways trapdoor. He holds it up with both hands and
looks utterly unimpressed by the cave-like hallway. He looks unimpressed by just about
everything though. “Where does it go?” Regulus asks.

“Dunno, never actually went in.”

Regulus looks over his shoulder at James then. “You found a big hidden hallway and decided
to not go in it?”
James shrugs. “I had more important matters at hand.”

“Like?”

“It was a…it was this whole thing alright, what do you care?” James grabs the mirror from
Regulus and pushes it closed. “I asked you to leave nicely, why don’t you?”

“I don’t care.” Regulus takes a few steps back from him and gives him a once over. “Fine,
I’m bored anyway,” he says, backing further away. “Everyone here is so annoying…” he
mumbles.

He walks off just as James begins to hear distant voices around the castle, meaning people are
coming back up to their rooms. He doesn’t even care about the stupid mirror anymore, and
he’s still angry. It’s annoying how tarnished this day became just because of one person. He
did the one thing he’s dreamt about for years, but Remus soiled it. He isn’t even sure how he
can go back up there and face him after basically crying in front of him.

His mum always tells him crying is fine and that it’s healthy, but it doesn’t feel that way. It
feels unnatural. How can it be healthy if it hurts? He’s not meant to feel angry or stressed or
sad, so why is he? That party Frank’s holding is tomorrow, but weirdly enough, James
doesn’t feel like celebrating. He wants Remus to be there and he’s so mad at him. He’s
furious, rightfully so. Remus was shy, not rude. He had a hard time learning how to speak
with people before, but he was never capable of totally shutting someone out.

Except…he did, didn’t he?

It’s not like he’s run back to Lily after kicking them out, he’s by himself, completely isolated.
Maybe this is just what he does. Gives people a few months then ditches them because he
wants to be alone. But how is Sirius so involved then?

James can’t wrap his head around anything, and he wishes he could know more, but he’s
stuck. Completely rooted. There’s nothing to go off of, so James just has to exist and pretend
like he doesn’t care that his friend hates him, while he can’t help but feel a resentment of his
own because of it. It makes everything Remus did with them feel insincere, because
switching so quickly has to mean he never cared at all.

Reluctantly, he heads back up the staircases to Gryffindor tower, it’s not like he has anywhere
else he can go. He’s not going to sit in a cold stone hole in the wall the whole night. There’s a
few other groups around him while he goes up, some congratulating him on making Chaser
which lifts his spirits just a bit. Of course, it isn’t going to last long since he’s about to reenter
the dormitory and avoid even existing in the same three meter radius as Remus. He’ll take the
small victories though.

He opens the door to their room, catching the eyes of everyone but Remus, and it’s here he
remembers he told them he’d meet them for dinner. They’re going to have questions.

“You feeling alright James?” Peter asks while tossing his tie to the ground. “You look a bit
sick, you missed the whole meal.”
 James looks sick? He relaxes his face and straightens his posture out. “Yeah, sorry. Not sick, I
just got held up by these other students trying to talk Quidditch with me since I made the
team,” he lies, crushing the heel of his shoes with the opposite foot to slide them off. “Lost
track of time. Didn’t know I look sick though, thank you Peter.”

Peter goes red in the face. “I didn’t mean that, I just meant hungry. Cause you didn’t eat.”

He glances down at the chocolate bar sitting in his chest that he angrily threw not so long
ago. Swiftly, he grabs it and starts to open it.

“All good,” he says, taking a bite out of his and Remus’ branch. “I’ve got this, and I could
always just go to the kitchens and ask Tizzy for something myself.”

None of them, not even Sirius, seem to notice that something is off, and…good. That’s what
he wants.

———

Chapter End Notes

Little blink and you miss it canon moment happened if anyone caught that. But anyway,
pretty big chapter for James. The title I feel works well because he's got all these new
feelings since he's getting a bit older and experiencing things, but has no idea what to do
with them. Coping mechanism? Mirror hole, apparently.
 Second Year: Thin Line
Chapter Summary

No one knows what's going on, basically.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 17, 1972

It’s been five days since Lily nearly got her skull crushed in and she is seething.

She glares across the Great Hall to the Slytherin table where Severus sits beside Mulciber, as
if nothing happened. That boy is disgusting, and Severus still fraternizes with him. He
apologized on Mulciber’s behalf the day after it all went down, and Lily couldn’t even get the
time to ask him to stay away from him. She could empathize with his situation when it was
simple stupid teases, but she feels sick just looking at Mulciber. It’s too much.

“Lily, fork down, you look like you’re going to take someone’s eye out,” Alice mumbles,
gently taking the silver from her grasp and setting it on the table.

Lily kind of hopes she does. “How can he sit over there with that total attempted murderer
and think nothing of it?”

Dorcas and Mary—who are across from her—keep their eyes very focused on their plates.
Mary especially never likes to comment on Severus. Lily can understand their collective
dislike of him, they don’t know him, not like she does. When he does something stupid, they
think it’s in deliberate malice, but Lily knows it isn’t. She just wishes he could understand her
side of things. Similarly to the first four words he spoke to her, she’s not like him.

Alice says, “I think you should talk to him about it.”

“I tried!” She exclaims, pressing her cheek into her fist. “He was busy.”

Lily’s also been a bit occupied with life. Last night, Frank Longbottom hosted a mini party to
celebrate him, Eric, and Potter making the Quidditch team. Potter invited Mary and Dorcas,
(he tried to invite her, but she declined), then Frank invited Alice so Lily decided to go
anyway. She tried to keep to her girls while they played games which let her mind stray from
everything plaguing it. It was actually a decent amount of fun. Potter and Black’s presences
were less insufferable than usual, Potter even being quiet at times. That was a bit weird,
considering the party was partially for him, but Lily is not one to complain about that.

Anyway, she needs to find the time to confront Severus, it’s just hard when he’s always
around other Slytherins who hate her guts.

It ends up being five days later when she finally gets the opportunity. She’s scanning for a
book she needs for Defense when she spots Severus alone a few rows down. Lily huffs and
struts over to him, only catching his attention when she’s close by.

“Hi, Lily—“ He starts, as if nothing is even wrong.

“I need to have a talk with you,” Lily interrupts.

Severus stares down at her for a moment then furrows his brows. “About?”

About. God, the nerve. “About how your little friend tried to kill me last week and you still
hang out with him like that didn’t happen!” She hisses, making sure not to shout in a library.
“Don’t you care?”

“What?” Severus says. “Why are you still on that? He told me it was an accident, he was
trying to hit it the other way. He’s just not a very good beater, that’s all.”

Lily nearly laughs at that. “An accident? Severus he perfectly aimed that thing at my face.”

“If he’s got such good aim to purposely try to kill you, then why didn’t he get on the
Quidditch team?” He retorts, crossing his arms. “He’s a prat sometimes, but I assure you,
accusing him of attempted murder is foolish. And it’s going to get you into trouble. That I
care about.”

That’s…she can’t believe that. She just can’t. Lily takes a step back and frowns in thought.
It’s not like she saw him hit the Bludger, just that it nearly hurt her. With her status as a
Muggleborn and his as a Pureblood Slytherin, maybe Marlene just assumed the worst.
Because it’s true, he is just a lowlife jerk, that doesn’t make him a murderer. It’s not like
Mulciber has said anything to her since then, he could be feeling guilty.

“I…” Lily stutters. “But…I mean, does he feel bad about it?”

“Of course he does,” Severus says with an incredulous look on his face. “I think you forget
not everyone is out to get you, and he’s just a kid like you. This was an accident, and for
everyone’s sake, it’s best you let it go.”

Lily doesn’t know why , but there’s suddenly a twinge of guilt settling in her bones. Has she
wrongly accused Mulciber this whole time? He’s still a bad person, but everyone jumping to
such a conclusion must have taken a toll on him. He’s a bully. Not a murderer.

She almost feels embarrassed.

“Yeah,” Lily mumbles, eyes on the ground. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Severus says, “It’s fine”, and they leave it at that. He picks up the book he needed and leaves
Lily standing in the library alone.

———

SEPTEMBER 23, 1972

Remus is gone again. Not that Sirius didn’t expect it to happen eventually, of course he did.
There is just no way to explain it to himself nor anyone else. James and Peter seem to be
catching on that his mother isn’t truly sick like he says she is, which could be a problem for
Remus, but Sirius doesn’t really care. Let him be found out, whatever. As long as he isn’t the
one telling everyone that Remus is a dirty liar.

He doesn’t know why he keeps his promise to Remus after everything, he shouldn’t. Sirius
should be spilling every weird thing about him, from the day in the Hospital Wing to every
other white lie. But he can’t do it.

One of the worst parts is that he still doesn’t even know the truth. He’s stuck in a stupid place
where he hates Remus and wants to know what’s happening to him at the same time. The
scars on his face he’s gotten used to, but it’s hard to get the brief flash of marks on his chest
and arms out of his head. What could have possibly caused that?

That look in his eyes when Sirius was just concerned and maybe even scared for him is
another thing he can’t get off his mind. It was like any form of kindness and care for him left
in an instant. Like he was nothing. Why does Remus hate him so much?

Sirius is lying in bed on his side thinking all of this through, it’s one of those nights. It
doesn’t happen very often, so it must be because of his absence. Weird. Thinking about him
since he isn’t here.

He can’t bring himself to James’ bed to talk about it. They tread around the topic of Remus
for a reason, it just upsets and angers them both. Sirius didn’t think James even got upset or
angry, but sometimes when he catches him looking at Remus, Sirius sees it. Just barely. And
he doesn’t feel the need to wake him up just to bring that energy to the surface.

So he gets up and leaves the room, closing the door silently behind him the way he does at
home. Quickly to prevent creaking but not too quick so it doesn’t slam. Turn the knob and
ease it the rest of the way shut. It’s a habit.

There isn’t really a plan here, he just wants air.

Sirius makes his way down the spiral stairs and at the bottom finds a nearly empty common
room. Key word nearly.

It’s unbelievable that anyone else is awake right now, especially her. Evans is curled up in an
armchair staring at a flickering flame with a blank look on her face. She’s fairly short already,
but she looks quite small with her whole body made into a ball on the cushion. Sirius doesn’t
know how to approach this, they’re not on good or bad terms. They just exist around one
another. He was also planning to be alone here. Collect his thoughts maybe.

But he’s in a mood, she’s in a mood, maybe they could just coexist for a moment. Evans
might understand him too, seeing as Remus left her behind too. Actually…why did he do
that?

Now filled with curiosity, Sirius loudly clears his throat from the bottom of the stairs. Her
head snaps over to him in surprise and confusion.

“Did you need something?” Evans asks slowly, unraveling herself and sitting up. “Or are you
here to bother me?”

Oh, maybe they’re on worse terms than he thought. Sirius takes a couple steps forward.
“Um…well I was coming down for a good reason and you just happened to be here.”

Evans raises an eyebrow. “Okay…lovely. Is that all?”

“Yeah, but maybe not.”

“What?”

Sirius walks closer to the set of armchairs near the fireplace and plops himself down
unceremoniously. “I have a question.”

Evans sighs, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. “Okay.”

“Why did you and Remus stop being friends?” He asks.

A bit taken aback, she straightens her posture. “You know what…” Evans starts. “I’ve been
considering asking you that same thing, strangely enough.”

“Oh,” Sirius mumbles, eyebrows furrowed. “For how long?”

“A couple weeks. I assumed something happened between you four.” Evans pauses, eyeing
him carefully. “I also…figured you were behind it.”

He nods slowly. “Yeah—wait, how come?”

“Doesn’t matter. How fast was the switch up?”

Sirius thinks on that sharp look in his eyes once more, like daggers carving their way through
him. “Immediate,” he says. “He really is awful, I’m sure you know.”
She looks surprised and shakes her head. “No, he’s definitely not. I just…I mean it was my
fault for making him uncomfortable. I get it, if I was in his place, I’d do the same thing.”

“…And what is his place, exactly?”

Sirius looks at Evans carefully, and she looks back at him. Like they’re assessing each other,
treading an uncertain line of what they can and can’t say. Sirius doesn’t want to give away the
fact that Remus is a liar. But Evans knows something.

Sirius leans closer, voice low. “You know something. I…may also know something. Is it the
same thing?”

Evans swallows. “I don’t think so. But…he has…a thing about…honesty.”

He nearly leaps from his chair once the word leaves her mouth. It’s so clear she’s trying to
toe around it just as he is, but it’s out now. It’s not breaking his promise if she already knows.
He points at her and nods enthusiastically. “Yes! So, what? He stopped being your friend
because you found out he was lying?”

“Mhm,” she hums. “And again, I don’t blame him, really. It’s hard.”

Sirius narrows his eyes. “What is? Do you know why he lies?”

Evans looks away. “No. Just that…whatever it really is, it must be hard. If he has to lie about
it so much.”

He actually hasn’t thought about that. Somehow, in the three months they’ve spent hating
each other, he hasn’t considered that there could be a good reason for his lies. It doesn’t make
it right in his head, but maybe it is in Remus’.

After a long silence, Sirius tenses his jaw and quietly asks, “Do you think he hates m—us?
For figuring out he’s lying? Does he—“

“Remus doesn’t hate you,” Lily says softly. “I don’t think Remus hates anyone, he’s too kind
for that.”

Sirius pulls his legs onto the cushion and holds them. “He doesn’t feel very kind to me,” he
mumbles. And what does that make him? Sirius hates Remus. Is he bad for hating a person
who broke his trust and hurt him?

“…No.” Lily speaks in a tone just as quiet as his. “He doesn’t.”

They sit in silence once more, and it’s only a bit awkward considering they still aren’t
familiar with one another. It’s more like a temporary truce that has taken away some of the
resentment they had for one another. She’s bossy and a bit annoying sometimes, but he’s
definitely met worse. His own brother is worse than this.

Oh, Sirius hasn’t spoken to him in a minute, he should get on that.

He feels like they’ve reached the end of their conversation, both sitting around with the fire
crackling a few feet away. There’s something in him that wants to continue it.

Sirius clears his throat. “So…down here in the middle of the night for a reason?”

“Does it matter?”

“Well. No. Just…thought we had a thing going on. Little truce of sorts.”

She hums. “A truce, huh? Why, cause we’re both sad about something?”

Sirius scoffs, sitting upright. “I am not sad about anything! I was getting…water.”

“Mhm.”

“I was!” He exclaims, eager to defend himself even if it’s not really true. “If anything, you
were the sad one. Sulking in front of the fire alone, what’s that about then?”

Lily blinks and pulls back. She purses her lips and glances at the ground, making Sirius feel
like he’s crossed a line. He’s not very good at this.

“It’s not really your business, is it?” Lily utters, pushing herself up from her seat. “We’re not
friends, alright? Goodnight, Black.” She starts towards the stairs, and Sirius doesn’t dare
follow her for two reasons. One, she’s right. Two, he’s not willing to get flung across the
room by the girls' dorm stairs again.

“Night, Evans,” he mumbles mockingly once she’s already out of earshot. He sighs, now he’s
the one sulking in front of the fire.

He got a lot and also absolutely nothing from that conversation, and it’s confusing. He and
Lily were forced out of Remus’s life for the same reason…but what is the reason? If it really
is hard for him, like Lily says it would be, then shouldn’t he want help? Not that Sirius is
going to be the one to do it. Remus still hurt him.

Besides, he doesn’t even care. Remus can make things harder for himself all he wants. Even
if Sirius knew what was going on, he wouldn’t help him. Because he does not care. Not even
a little.

Sirius would be poor help anyway, he can’t even help himself, everyone else does it for him.
What has he ever even contributed to? James doesn’t need help, his life is perfect, nothing to
do there; Remus has never told the truth in his life; and Peter never talks about himself like
that. Genuinely, what would Sirius even do if he figured out Remus’ secret?

Nothing, probably. He bets it’s not even that bad.

Oh, but it has to be bad. Those scars and bandages. That look in his eyes.

He swallows and glances out the window. Where is he?

Remus is going to limp back here tomorrow, silent and avoiding all their gazes. Why is he
limping at all? What’s happening to him?

———

SEPTEMBER 24, 1972

Remus imagines pushing through life like he’s on a tightrope, the consequences for his
exposure lay hundreds of meters beneath him in a death drop. His parents act as those poles
that keep the rope walker from tilting too far on any side, but it’s quickly taken from him.
They did so much and he’s forever grateful for those first few steps they let him have. But
he’s become quite good at balancing on his own.

Ahead, the other side of the rope is nearly a kilometer away. Remus glances back, realizing
he’s hardly made any progress at all.

Surely he can handle the walk on his own without the support of the pole. In fact, he finds it
more freeing like this.

Remus can dance along the rope all he wants, it’s only a problem once he’s hardly making
forward progress. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t notice it, he’s spinning too fast to see he’s
only taken a couple steps since losing his support.

It dizzies him, but he doesn’t notice until he slips. Not enough to descend, but enough to lose
his footing and just barely catch himself. His arms and legs are wrapped around the thick
rope and all he can do is fix his gaze on the never-ending drop. His body trembles in fear. He
can’t move, paralyzed by the sight below.

He was so close to falling, and he’s never going to get up again.

The Wolf doesn’t seem very happy with him considering it pulled him apart last night.
Madam Pomfrey is the second person to hear his voice in weeks, and most of it is through
pained groans. She tends to him throughout the day with care, and he wonders if she’d be this
gentle if she knew what he’s done.

Maybe the Wolf is punishing him since no one else has the guts to.

Other than ‘thank you’ , ‘yes’ , and ‘no’ , Remus doesn’t speak to her like he used to. If she
knows something is wrong, she doesn’t say it. He prefers it that way.

He doesn’t end up recovering in time for dinner, so Pomfrey gives him some of the food she
keeps in the Hospital Wing. It’s bland, hardly doing anything for him the way he needs it to.
With an empty stomach and overdosing on health potions the room spins a bit beneath his
feet. He doesn’t tell her because she’s done enough, and frankly he hates to keep her working
this long.

The only way to get food now would be to go down to the kitchens and have an elf make him
something. Of course, there’s also a couple problems with this. It’s many flights down and he
doesn’t have anything in return for the elf. He’d never make these overworked creatures get
back to work just for him specifically, that’s terrible.

Drowsily, he pushes himself up the stairs, each step shooting a sharp pain up his back from
one of the cuts he got. That one was hard to heal since it was so deep, and he hopes it doesn’t
open back up. He’d prefer to not arrive back in the dorm covered in blood, actually. That
would raise questions.

At the end of the first flight, he lowers himself down to the ground and curls into himself.
Remus tilts his head up and watches the other stone stairs twist and turn. He can’t tell if it’s
from his dizziness or the castle’s magic, which worries him. Just having his head up like this
makes it feel heavy. Before he can lose his grounding—despite being sat—he looks back
down.

Remus grasps the railing and pulls himself to his feet, he has to make it. If something
happens to him out here, it would be a huge problem.

It takes him ten minutes to climb the last three flights. From the many times his stomach
threatened to turn itself inside out to every other part of his body screaming at him to stop,
he’s beyond exhausted. He says the password to the portrait of the—still a rude name—Fat
Lady and stumbles in the surprisingly empty common room. Where it’s usually occupied by
groups of people, he considers himself lucky here despite his violent nausea.

One more staircase…just one. Then he can lay in bed and steal a few hours before breakfast.
It’s much more of a challenge than he thought it’d be, stupid spiral stairs. He’s nearly
crawling up them by the end, only held up by the railing above him.

Remus leans up against the door, praying no one is up to see him like this. He turns the knob
quietly, then opens the door to complete darkness. Not even the curtains are opened to let
moonlight in. He shuts the door, unadjusted eyes squinting around the room.

A great wave of nausea hits him and he just barely catches himself back on the doorknob. His
stumble into the door is loud, but no one else in the room moves, so he’s safe.

Remus blinks harshly at the ground while taking deep breaths. Just make it to the bed. He’s
such an idiot for choosing the one furthest from the door.

He picks his head up, the hardly visible room tilting and fading around him. It’s like his
vision has tunneled to keep everything just out of reach. In the midst of all the black, he sees
a faint outline of his bed.

He can’t do it.

He’s stuck.
Paralyzed on the other end of the room, Remus falls. He grunts as his shoulder hits the
ground, trying his very best not to make too much noise.

On his elbows and knees, he drags himself across the room to his bed. He looks absolutely
pathetic like this, but he’s moving. It’s progress.

Finally at his bed’s side, Remus pushes and rolls up onto the soft mattress. He could’ve cried
in relief. His vision still spins, but he doesn’t have to move anymore.

Remus curls up on his side and squeezes his eyes shut, so miserable and so ashamed of
himself. He hopes the Wolf never treats him like this again, it might kill him.

In the morning, he feels…alright. The bare minimum of functionality to go to class. He’s still
a bit sick, but the excessive healing potions and sleep must have gotten rid of most of his
pain.

Remus gets dressed in the bathroom like usual, making sure to examine his healing cuts from
the moon. None opened during the night, thankfully, but he really doesn’t appreciate the
biggest one on his back nor the one trailing up his thigh.

He doesn’t dare look up, knowing the ghastly and ill face that will be staring back at him.
Getting food in during breakfast is more than essential now, he’s practically dying for it.

Remus leaves the bathroom, grabbing his tie and wrapping it around his neck. Peter and
James are making casual morning conversation while tugging their shoes on. He forces his
eyes away from trailing to the bed furthest from him. It’s very convenient that that spot is
directly across him, because even while he painfully bends over to grab his shoes, Remus
sees him.

He’s sitting facing Remus, and if he isn’t mistaken, he’s just…watching him. He can’t see the
look on his face, and he doesn’t know if he wants to. It’s always bitter and cold. He earned
that.

In the end, his curiosity gets the best of him, and for a second, just one tiny moment, he
glances up.

And in that split second, Remus doesn’t see anger like usual. He’s normally quite good at
dissecting what someone’s thinking just by looking at them, but he’s lost here. His eyebrows
are still lowered and his lips still thinned, but his eyes don’t carry that weight. They look…

He couldn’t catch it. After another five seconds of mustering up the courage to look back, he
does.

Sirius is there, of course he is. And he’s still watching him with the same look, even with
Remus staring back.

His eyes really aren’t angry at all, they’re fearful. Or worried. Or both. Either way, that’s not
normal. It’s like a silent plea rather than the regular glare. The other two are laughing about
 something, but it’s entirely muffled in his ears. That’s not even close to something on his
mind, and doesn’t seem to be on Sirius’ either.

Just him.

Remus is the first to drag his eyes away to the floor. Sirius seems to get his bearings then,
clearing his throat and getting to his feet with his bag over his shoulder. Remus decides to
leave first, pushing past the twinges in his legs and back to make it to the Great Hall first.

Sometimes there are things Remus can’t begin to explain, and that moment is one of them.
It’s killing him not to ask what that meant, but he can’t ask. He can’t know. Just move on and
pretend like it didn’t happen.

It’s what he does best.

———

Chapter End Notes

I keep making Remus go through it, sorry about that. It gets better soon...for a bit.
Summary really works cause no one knows what the fuck is happening right now. Lily
isn't sure who's telling the truth about Mulciber, Sirius doesn't know what's wrong with
Remus, Remus doesn't know what's wrong with him either and he also doesn't know
why Sirius is acting like that. But anyways, this chapter has some of my favorite lines it
so far, especially for Remus. His mind is so interesting and I wish he did not think this
way. Unfortunately, I am the one who put these thoughts there.

I hope you enjoyed! Leave comments if you have any :)

 Second Year: Rumor Has It
Chapter Summary

Almost everyone is hiding something. It's close to the breaking point.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 25, 1972

“This is quite good, actually,” Narcissa says, placing his scroll down before him.

Regulus nods. “I was wondering if I was using too much filler. It reads all right?” He asks.

She hums in thought, skimming over his essay once more before shaking her head. “Yes, it
reads well, especially for your age. I’d wager it’s much better than whatever the other kids
have to offer.”

That comment makes him feel smug, maybe too smug. “You don’t mean that.”

“Of course I do,” Narcissa smiles a bit. “You know you’re smart, don’t act humble about it.
That’s not what we do.”

We, as in their family. He is far from humble, and certainly doesn’t need a pedestal to stand
on from Narcissa, he was born on top of one as is.

“I’m aware,” he says, rolling his essay up and tucking it away. He shifts uncomfortably on
the stone floor of the Slytherin common room. Regulus shouldn’t live in jealousy, but when
he found out the other houses had wood and carpeting, he couldn’t help it. The aura in here is
not so different from home, with muted colors and cold thick air. The worst part is how damp
it feels, it’s nearly humid from being underwater.

The view is reasonable, though. He quite enjoys looking at the creatures through the window
as they swim by, but perhaps he should fear being surrounded. In contrast, Regulus finds no
reason to fear the sky, especially in Flying. The worst thing he can do there is fall.
“How’s your boyfriend?” Regulus asks casually.

Narcissa nearly chuckles at that. “We’re getting married once I leave, I think the word
boyfriend is a bit…juvenile. Don’t you think?”

“Oh,” he mumbles. “Fiancé, then?”

“Not fiancé yet,” she sighs, resting her cheek in her palm. “We have everything planned out
for us, though.”

Regulus furrows his brows. “Another planned wedding?”

Narcissa shrugs, looking down at her empty ring finger and holding it between her index and
thumb. “Every wedding is a planned wedding. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him. You’re a bit
young to get it, I think.”

The way that word rolls off her tongue like it's the easiest thing in the world makes Regulus
uneasy. There are very few times he’s heard it that he doesn’t feel like repeating it. What it
does do, is make him recall how different she is to the rest of them, even from appearance.
She didn’t inherit any features from her parents, nor the rest of her relatives. Her hair is a
silvery blonde, long and straight unlike her sisters’ dark curls, and her features are soft. Even
her eyes are different. They’re not a stony gray, but a deep blue, like the lake that surrounds
the common room. Narcissa is Regulus’s only friend here, but he looks at her and knows she
is nothing like him.

He nods slowly, getting to his feet. “Perhaps. Well, I appreciate your help.”

Narcissa follows suit, flattening her skirt down and giving a soft smile. “You’re welcome,
Regulus.”

Their interactions are short, but it’s all Regulus is going to get, and the most they both want.
He can’t imagine a seventeen year old girl wanting to hang out with her kid cousin forever.
Except, it isn’t like his roommates are any good, the only sane one seems to be Evan Rosier,
but he does not like him. He does not like Amycus Carrow either, and he certainly does not
like Crouch Jr. There’s very little for him in the common rooms, so he spends a fair amount
of time in the library.

Once he finally found it, no thanks to Potter, he was enamored with it. Reading for classes is
a bore, but having control isn’t so bad. He sits himself down at an empty table–since no one
else would come here on a Sunday afternoon–and opens up a new book. It’s a bit of an older
one, but he’s never read it. Regulus loses himself in it; the words, the silence, the imagery, for
the next fifty pages.

At page fifty one, he’s interrupted. Across the table, a chair is moved, then sat in. At his table.
There are dozens of empty seats, and this person has chosen this one. Regulus blinks,
glancing up from the book he has his nose shoved in.

For some odd reason, he almost expected it to be Sirius.

It is not Sirius, it’s a complete stranger from his Transfiguration class, a Ravenclaw girl. He
can’t even recall her name. She’s just staring at him expectantly with wide brown eyes and
blonde hair despite her deeper skin tone. A lot like Evan Rosier. Oh, of course. The twin.

“There are plenty of other places to sit, do you mind?” He bluntly asks.

She smiles sweetly at him. “Nope! I’m Pandora.”

Regulus clenches his jaw, closing his book and not bothering to hold his place. Page fifty one,
and here she is. “That wasn’t an invitation, I don’t know you.”

“But you do, you’re friends with my brother.”

“No, I am not. I don’t like him, and now I don’t like you either,” he remarks, not caring for
her feelings even a little. “Now, excuse me, I’m sitting somewhere else.”

Pandora looks taken aback by this, pouting as Regulus starts to get up. “Well that can’t be
right. He talks about you.”

“...Pardon?”

“Yep, Evan’s told me he likes you, but you’re just so grumpy that he doesn’t know how to
talk to you,” she says. “I see that now.”

Regulus blinks an eye roll. Why is this girl even in his business? Who cares what Rosier
thinks? “I don’t want to be his friend,” he mutters. “And frankly, I don’t have a care in the
world for this conversation. Now, if you will excuse me, I was busy—“

Pandora sighs obnoxiously.

Regulus glares at her. “What.”

“Since you don’t want to be friends with my brother,” she begins, getting to her feet. “What
about me?”

“No.”

She chuckles at him in a way that he’d think was mocking if it wasn’t so light. “Why not?
You’re always by yourself or with your seventeen year old relative.”

“…Are you watching me?”

“Yes.”

Regulus supposes he’s earned that straightforwardness, not that he wants it or anything. He’s
lived his entire life just talking to his relatives, he doesn’t need some girl to speak on it like
it’s a bad thing. He has a good family.

He crosses his arms and gives Pandora a once over. “I’m not going to force some friendship
with you just because you take pity on me after stalking me. I need no pity, I’m here to excel
then graduate and live a long somewhat fulfilling life. You don’t offer anything for me,”
Regulus states.

Pandora smiles, moving two steps closer, Regulus takes one back. “Believe me, I have plenty
to offer,” she says in such a tone he almost feels compelled to believe her, but he doesn’t
know why.

———

OCTOBER 2, 1972

When all of your friends are having weird secretive disputes, it’s hard to navigate yourself
around them. Peter sticks around James, because at least he tries to act sane.

He’ll follow him to Quidditch practices, sit next to him at meal times, walk with him in the
halls, wherever James goes, Peter follows. Of course, James would prefer Sirius to be there,
even if he doesn’t say that silent part aloud. But Sirius has become something like a ticking
time bomb.

It isn’t in a snappy way, but more frantic and nervous. Peter doesn’t think James has pried it
out of him either, but it must be about Remus. It’s always about Remus.

From day one, there was this resentment towards one another that at some point flipped on its
head, and then crashed and burned and exploded. Peter missed every second of it, and he
thinks James is the same. Blink and you miss it, they hate each other again.

Not to be selfish or anything, but it’s completely ruining their experience here. There have
been no pranks played, no time outside after hours, no fun, no nothing. Peter is bored. Maybe
if he knew something he’d be less exhausted, but he’s inside and outside of this at the same
time, what can he even do?

The only class he feels he can have fun in is Herbology since interacting with the plants is
always a good time for him. The ones that feel alive are just the coolest, but he seems to be
the only one who thinks so.

“Ugh, Goodwin’s pushing me,” James groans, stretching out before falling into his bed. “Oh,
that’s nice.”

“Well, you’re the youngest on the team,” Peter comments. “She just wants you to be game
ready.”

James sighs, rolling himself up into a blanket cocoon. “But I am game ready! I’ve been game
ready since birth, it’s practically my middle name.”
With a chuckle, he says, “James Fleamont Game Ready Potter?”

The boy giggles. “I like that. Rolls off the tongue.” James turns onto his stomach, face
pressed into the pillow. “How long until Astronomy?”

“Mmh, ‘bout an hour.”

“Eugh,” he groans again, voice muffled. “I hate Astronomy, it’s so boring. It’s only kind of
cool when Sirius tells me how almost like his entire family is named after a star. Including
him. Otherwise, it’s so lame. Where is Sirius?”

As if Peter would know. If James doesn’t know where he is, then he certainly doesn’t. He’s
had so few conversations alone with Sirius, he could likely count them on one hand. One,
being when James randomly decided to miss dinner, leaving them to awkwardly do small
talk. It really put in perspective how much he doesn’t know Sirius like he knows James.

“Where’s he ever? Been running off the whole week, I’m surprised he makes it to class on
time,” Peter says. He opens his bag and places his Astronomy books inside. “Have you tried
looking for where he’s going?”

James lifts his head and unravels himself, now laying on his bed like a starfish. “I’d like to,
but I’m trying to give him some space, y’know? No idea what happened this time. You?”

“Nope.”

He grumbles, “Sirius used to tell me when he was troubled. I care so much about him, but I
feel like I’m getting blown off a bit. Is that silly?” Peter shakes his head to say no, obviously
that’s not silly. Not when Sirius is frustratingly secretive about it all.

“I didn’t think so, just wanted to be sure. Sorry, we’ve had this conversation like five times
this week. Are you doing alright, Pete?” James asks, looking at him sincerely.

Peter shrugs. “I’m just bored. Nothing’s happening”

James is silent for a moment before sitting up cross legged and leaning forwards, a grin
stretching on his face. “Do you wanna do something fun?”

They don’t have a lot of time, so he ends up quickly following James down multiple flights
of stairs and through many hallways. Lagging behind and entirely out of breath, he finds
James stopped in front of a strangely placed mirror on the wall.

Peter pants, leaning down on his knees. “How did—how’d you even have the energy to do all
that after practice?”

“I laid down,” James quips—a bit out of breath himself. “But anyway, d’you remember when
I told you lot about that mirror like…last year?”

“Ohh. Yeah, is this it?”

James smiles. “Mhm. Look!” He gives a quick glance around to make sure the hall is empty
before lifting the mirror up to reveal a hole in the wall. It looks long, like a tunnel more than
a bad coverup. Peter looks in awe at it. “Haven’t been in it yet,” James says. “You wanna see
if there’s anything cool? We’ve still got a bit till class.”

“Definitely!” Peter exclaims. Finally, something to do.

He climbs in first, James following suit. He lets the mirror slowly fall shut, encasing them in
the dark. Okay, Peter will admit, this is likely not the most safe thing to do. The idea of
something else being here with them sets his heart pumping, even if it’s just paranoia. He
doesn’t say anything about it, he agreed to this after all.

James pulls out his wand and lights it up. Peter does the same. They can fully stand up, the
tunnel is about seven feet tall, and he can’t see the other end of it.

“Alright, we walk for like ten or fifteen minutes, and if there’s nothing, we turn back. Sounds
good?” James asks, looking ahead.

Peter nods. Oh, right, James can’t see him. “Yeah.”

The next few minutes are actually quite underwhelming, the tunnel looks magically made.
It’s all uniform on every side and fairly smooth for being in a wall. There’s a few dips leading
them down, but other than that, it’s pretty boring. Peter doesn’t have a watch to know how
long ten to fifteen minutes is, but it feels like they’ve been walking forever.

James stops suddenly, and Peter assumes they’re about to turn back.

“James, I don’t think—“

“Peter, look up.”

He does, it’s just some wood. He looks at it a little longer because James is.

Oh.

It’s wood.

James gets on his toes and pokes his lit wand up into the planks a couple times. Surprisingly,
they shift along with it. James and Peter gape at one another.

James pushes himself up to tap his wand into the wood once more before huffing, “How do
we move it? I’m too short.”

Peter pauses for a few seconds to let him think about that statement. He doesn’t seem to see
anything wrong with it.

“You’re a wizard.”

James’ eyes light up. “Oh. I am a wizard!”

He giggles and does a quick levitation charm to move the plank out of the way. It’s clear
there’s a room up there, but neither can tell what kind from down here.

James hums, squinting upwards. “D’you mind boosting me up, Pete?” Peter does just that,
cupping both hands for James to put a scuffed up shoe into and stand on. He grabs onto the
edge of another piece of wood and peaks his head above the opening. “Oh! Store!”

“Store?” Peter repeats, struggling under James’s weight.

“Wait, I’m gonna…” James seems to grab onto something and starts to pull himself further
up with a grunt. Once he’s all the way in, Peter doesn’t hear from him for a minute. Then,
thundering footsteps and James is on his stomach, head poking into the opening. “Peter, this
is Hogsmeade!”

“What?!”

James nods, glasses threatening to slip from his ears. “This is the joke shop, and Honeydukes
is outside! Oh, I’ve gotta show Sirius this.”

Peter gawks. “Wait so—so you mean to tell me we could’ve been sneaking in Hogsmeade
since last year?”

“Huh.” James grabs hold of his glasses before they fall off his face. “Yeah. But now we
know! Peter, this is huge, we can just come whenever. Well, maybe not during actual
Hogsmeade trips. Someone could see us, and then we’d get in trouble.”

James climbs back in the hole, dangling off the edge before letting himself drop the last
couple of feet. He charms the plank back into place.

“Like you’ve ever worried about getting in trouble,” Peter comments slyly, James chuckling
in response. “Are there any invisible spells?”

“Dunno,” James says, ushering them back the way they came, putting an arm over Peter’s
shoulder. “Sounds illegal.”

———

OCTOBER 5, 1972

Lily has been watching Black run himself ragged for over a week, it’s actually getting
concerning. Now, she doesn’t believe he thinks they’re friends or anything, but he’s certainly
latching to her like a magnet.
It was two days after the full moon when he came up to her and said, “Evans, something
awful is happening to Remus.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond to this and blinked up at him with a frown. Lily knows what
awful thing happens to Remus, Black doesn’t. It would be so easy to just tell him. But she
can’t do that, that’s a total betrayal even if they aren’t friends anymore.

So she asked what happened and he told her. He was concerned about Remus’ whereabouts
since his disappearances usually only last one night and up to lunch or dinner the next day. It
was way past dinner, and he still wasn’t back yet, so Black had waited. In his words, he
hadn’t wanted Remus to know he was waiting, so he kept his bed’s curtains almost entirely
shut. ‘Key word almost’ , is what he said.

Eventually, the door did open, and Remus came in like a dead man walking–Lily asked if he
meant a zombie, he did not know what she meant by that. Apparently, Remus had been so
sick he stumbled back into the door and fell on his face soon after. It was actually quite
horrible, the way he described it all. She didn’t know it got that bad. He dragged himself over
to his bed on his hands and knees as if he couldn’t walk, and it disturbed Black so much he
hardly slept.

Ever since then, he’s been trying to figure Remus out for the sole reason of helping him. It’s a
bit strange seeing him like this considering two weeks ago, Lily thought he was a stuck up
prat. Now, it’s like every turn she takes, there he is ready to drag her away to rant some more.
Like he’s forgotten she actually does have things to do with her life that aren’t about him.
Okay, so maybe he is still a stuck up prat, just in a new way.

“I looked in like ten different disease books and found nothing!” Black complains just after
pulling her into the always-empty girls bathroom. She’s heard talks of ghosts in here, but tries
not to think about it as he waves his arms around and paces as he speaks. “There are no
diseases out there that hit every symptom I’ve noticed, so either it’s not a disease, or I need to
look through more books.”

“I just can’t believe you’re reading,” Lily says, crossing her arms.

Black rolls his eyes. “Okay, well this is important. He’s in danger, Evans! I may hate him,
but–”

Lily accidentally interrupts him with a snort. That is just ridiculous. She clears her throat and
beckons him to continue, since she isn’t freed until he finishes. Black just looks at her.

“What’s funny?” He asks.

She cocks her head at him and looks on in disbelief. “Do you really think you hate him?”

“Yeah. Of course. We’ve been over what happened, he said something awful to me, broken
trust, won’t even speak to me, doesn’t let me help him, the whole shabang.”

“...Shabang?”
Black scoffs. “Yes, Evans, the whole shabang. I hate him, and I also don’t want him dead.
Simple as that. I feel like that’s quite understandable, is it not?”

Lily makes some sort of noise and shrugs, because it is, and isn’t. She thinks he’s just bitter
that Remus stopped being his friend due to his tendency to turn into a wolf.

“Alright, well, whatever,” he mumbles. “Have you found anything?”

“Who said I’m looking? I’ve just been roped into this because we have a shared ex-friend,”
Lily laughs, taking a step back. “Now, I have things to do, Black. Why don’t you spend time
with your other friends?”

He groans, sliding his hands through his hair. “I can’t, James and Peter don’t even know why
they’re not friends with Remus anymore. You’re the one who knows the most.”

“Okay, but you can just…hang out with them,” she says, knitting her brows in concern. “Not
everything’s about Remus, you can still…y’know. Enjoy life.”

Black frowns at her. “I never said any of that, you’ve just put words in my mouth. It’s just—”

“Sirius!” Lily scolds. Sirius shuts up. “Go do something else. You’re going to have gray hairs
by the time you’re thirteen if you keep this up. The others are probably wondering what’s
going on with you, making yourself crazy like this.”

He sighs, the tension in his shoulders relaxing a bit. “Okay, Lily. Fine.”

She wrinkles her nose. “Keep it at Evans. I’ve gotta—“

“You used my name.”

“To make you stop talking,” Lily says. “I’m leaving now!”

Sirius purses his lips and glances away. “Okay, bye.”

“Yeah, bye.”

She huffs a breath as she leaves the bathroom, walking nearly headfirst into Mary—Alice at
her side—a few steps out the door.

“Oh! Hey,” she smiles.

Mary and Alice glance at one another then back at her.

“What were you doing in there?” Alice asks suspiciously.

Lily looks back at the door. “You mean…the bathroom?”

Alice hides giggles, but Mary looks displeased. “Yeah, just in the bathroom with Sirius
Black, no big deal,” Mary comments, starting to lead the three of them down the hall.

“Oh, it’s—“
Alice interrupts, saying, “You’ve been secretly hanging out with him all week and doing a
bad job at hiding it, Lily. Something you want to tell us?”

Lily has no idea what they’re trying to say, to be frank. “He’s not my friend, I’m just helping
him out with something.”

“Well, no one thinks you’re friends right now,” Mary mutters. “It’s sort of the talk of the
house, everyone knows you hated each other. Suddenly, you can’t seem to separate. Not to
mention your blood statuses apparently makes that controversial.”

The meaning of this conversation dawns on Lily with the subtlety of getting hit in the face
with a metal pan. She stops dead in her tracks with wide eyes and a jaw dropped to the floor.
“Oh my god! No! No, no no no! Absolutely not! No!”

Alice bursts into laughter, but Mary doesn’t seem so convinced. “Then what were you
doing?” She begins, giving Lily a side glance. “We didn't wanna go in in case we caught you
snogging or something.”

“Oh, Mary, that’s disgusting!” Lily whines. Even just the thought, ugh. “I would never, not in
a million years, ever kiss Sirius Black. I mean it. Not to mention, we’re twelve!”

“So?” Alice says, out of breath from laughing so hard. “Plenty of people have their first
kisses at our age. Mary told me she had hers in primary.”

“No, you did not.”

Mary shrugs. “Yeah, I uh…didn’t like him, though. He was annoying and always smelled like
oranges because…he had one every day at lunch. I mean it, every day. That’s just obsessive.”

“…I like the smell of oranges.”

“Lily, trust me, not on this boy. So you weren’t snogging Sirius?”

She scoffs a laugh, shaking her head vehemently. “No! I mean, Jesus, Mary. You really think
I’d do that?”

“We weren’t sure,” Alice says. “Glad you’re still normal.”

She’s silent for a bit, thinking about that. Has she really accidentally missed rumors involving
her and Sirius? You’d think someone would come up to her this week and talk to her about it
before it got out of hand, but no. Now the entire Gryffindor house thinks she and that
annoyance are involved together. Which means, everyone will eventually. Perfect. Just what
she needs.

For the next few days, that’s all people seem to be able to ask her about. Because apparently,
a Mudblood like her and the heir of the stuck up Pureblooded Blacks being together is a huge
deal. She’s lost track of how many people she’s never spoken to before that have come up to
her asking, ‘So, are you—‘ to which she’d groan ‘No,' and watch them look disappointed.
It’s just stupid. Why does she only get attention when something bad is happening to her?
First the Bludger by Mulciber, now these horrible dating rumors. She’s sure everyone knows
who she is now, which is terrifying.

Marlene and Cynthia Night asked her if it was true, even Severus asked her, which just made
her face hot with anger. How could they believe that?

On day three of the rumors, Sirius charges up to her and pulls her behind a staircase.

“What are you doing?” She hisses, pushing him back.

“What am I doing?” Sirius whispers, pointing at himself in disbelief. “What are you doing?
Why are you telling everyone we’re dating?”

Lily laughs bitterly. “You think I’d say that? You really think I’d ever want people to think
I’d kiss you?”

“Ew…” Sirius contorts his face in disgust. “Then why do people keep asking me?”

“Because—because you keep pulling me into all these places to talk to me about Remus, so
everyone thinks we’re just disappearing off together!” Lily whisper-shouts, hitting him
lightly on the chest.

He shakes his head, saying, “Well, what do you want me to do? Shout out that he’s having a
problem in the middle of the Great Hall?”

“No!” She exclaims. “I want you to leave me alone!”

“Well, it’s hard to now, James thinks—“

“So it’s true, then?” Someone says, but it’s not Lily. It’s not Sirius either.

Both of them turn their heads in sync to…a small Sirius? Oh, he’s the Slytherin brother. Oh.
Oh, no.

Sirius takes a step back from Lily and walks up to him nervously. “Regulus! Haven’t spoken
to you since we got here, how are you?”

Regulus–apparently–glares at him, then moves his gaze to her, eyes stone cold. “What are
you doing?” He asks, but it’s clearly not directed towards her.

“We’re talking.”

Lily puts her face in her hands, watching Sirius be a complete idiot.

Regulus takes a deep breath before speaking, likely to keep his composure. “This is really
what you’re doing here? You make friends with blood traitors, you go around making a fool
of yourself, soon after I hear you’re dating a Mudblood, what’s next?”

“Don’t say that word, especially not around her.”

 Regulus rolls his eyes, muttering, “Defending your girlfriend, now? This is sick, if Walburga
knew—“

“I am not his girlfriend!” Lily shouts, putting herself in front of him. “We’re not dating, and
you’re a little twat for calling me that. You don’t get to say things like I’m not a person, all of
you Slytherins are the same.”

Except for Severus, obviously. But this isn’t the time for that. She’s in the middle of scolding
an eleven year old and watching his face grow more deadly.

“Don’t call my brother a twat,” Sirius mumbles to her.

Lily scoffs. “I can call him whatever I want. Deal with Remus on your own, stop talking to
me. It’s only causing trouble.”

She pushes past the two of them, making sure to hit Regulus’ shoulder on the way out
because she’s petty. Screw both of them, how dare he call her that and how dare Sirius defend
him? They may be brothers, but Petunia stopped caring after she found out Lily was different.
Sirius and Regulus seem nothing alike, so why does he care?

She’s sick of having to deal with this, but she doesn’t know how to stop it. Getting Sirius
away from her seems to be the only real idea in her head. Maybe Remus was onto
something.

———

Chapter End Notes

A bit more Regulus here, sorry for the cliffhanger about what Pandora tells him, I had to
do it. It's very important, though! Meanwhile, James and Peter are really just trying to
pass time while Sirius and Remus are losing it a bit. And finally that stupid mirror gets
to start coming in handy, I didn't realize how long it took...

LilyPad friendship is interesting because they're similar in ways and that kind of makes
them clash and hate each other and also totally not. Lily standing up for herself felt great
by the way, she's not taking shit from Sirius' little brother of all people. I love you
Regulus, you're a total dick right now!

Next chapter is HUGE. Literally and...literally. I hope you liked this one! Comments are
always appreciated :)
 Second Year: Jigsaw
Chapter Summary

Maybe after everything, Sirius has been looking in the wrong direction.

Chapter Notes

cws at the end! (it’s minor)

Title is a Radiohead reference btw. Enjoy this very important Sirius solo pov chapter!

Words: 6.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 9, 1972

When Sirius was just a bit younger, Regulus was his best and only friend. Growing up in
those stuffy walls, there aren’t many people to talk to but one another. It was either that or an
older cousin like Bellatrix, who’d stop by sometimes for dinner with her younger sisters.

Regulus on the other hand, he was homeschooled with. Sirius spent every day by his side
keeping him in line and out of trouble. He was soft back then, easy to be pushed around and
frightened. His lip would tremble when Orion or Walburga would shout at him, which wasn’t
often. Sirius made sure of that.

His little brother was unlike the rest of them, even himself. He cared for the little things, like
taking bugs that had managed to find their way in back outside before Orion would do away
with them. He’d doodle pictures on his hands in ink and accidentally get them on the walls,
but Sirius would always take the blame.

It wasn’t until Regulus got his first and only real punishment at the age of seven that Sirius
saw him change. He wasn’t there that day, out with Orion for something he can’t even
remember. The only thing he can truly recall is coming back and finding Regulus curled up in
bed with a slight twitch in his hand.

He’d tried to get in the bed and comfort him, but Reg wouldn’t let him.

He tried to free Kreacher, and he deserved what he got.

That’s what he said. As if Walburga had been talking right through him.

Kreacher, their aging house elf, was part of the family to Regulus. Sirius never got it, he
always thought the elf was gross and annoying, and he held a serious grudge on him after that
day. Kreacher went straight to Walburga to tell her what Regulus did. He did this to him, not
her.

After that day, Regulus didn’t let himself be soft anymore. He was passive aggressive and
quite snappy, so Sirius adapted. They weren’t touchy anymore, everything prim and proper
like their parents wanted. The night before Sirius left for Hogwarts, Regulus was withdrawn
entirely, more quiet than he’d been in a long time.

Sirius had gotten into enough trouble to keep Regulus out of it and Walburga was fed up. She
wasn’t going to let them go to the station together, so right after dinner was when they said
goodbye. He’d given Regulus that hand squeeze as a silent symbol for many different things.

Good luck, stay out of trouble, I’ll miss you, I miss you.

Regulus pulled away.

After his encounter with him and Lily, he doesn’t believe Regulus will ever be back to how
he used to be. He doesn’t have a James of his own to guide him in the right direction, away
from their family and their terrible ideals. He’s going to be just like them, and there’s no one
to stop it. Not even him. Regulus doesn’t listen to him anymore. People can’t stop pulling
away.

For the first time in a while, he writes a letter to Andromeda.

Dear Andromeda,

I think there’s something wrong with me.

It feels like too big of an emotion for him, but maybe after everything, he’s been looking in
the wrong direction. The only people who want to talk to him are James, Peter, and all the
obnoxious people who think he’s got a thing for Lily Evans. She’s been avoiding him.

They weren’t even friends, but Sirius thought they could be.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with Remus or Regulus and he’s warped his perception of
reality to deal with the fact that he just isn’t as good as he thought. He could very well have
been dreaming what he saw that night, Remus was fine the next morning. It could’ve just
been a stupid nightmare and he’s freaking himself out over nothing.

Meanwhile, Regulus hasn’t been himself for nearly half his life, but even thinking that
sentence…he knows it doesn’t make any sense.
It seems like no one wants me. Not really. Not truly.

He never fit in with his family, even back when he believed everything they said. White
sheep, Black family.

I made a friend, and I thought I trusted him. But he doesn’t want me around. I hate him. I
thought I was making something like a friendship with a girl, even if we annoyed each other
to death. She thinks speaking to me causes trouble. Regulus is too much like Walburga and
Orion. He doesn't like me anymore, just as they don’t. I can tell.

After everything that’s happened, Sirius has been pointing fingers at anything to make up for
the real cause of being left. Remus doesn’t speak to him because of an illness that doesn’t
exist. Regulus doesn’t like him because Walburga punished him when he was seven.

I must be the problem. There must be something about me that makes everyone hate me. My
friend, James can’t see it yet because he likes seeing the best in people. I don’t think he could
hate me, but something is going to drive him away. One day, he’s going to realize I’m not who
he thought. He’s going to leave, just like Regulus, just like Rem

The door opens, and Sirius quickly shoves the letter into his desk. It’s James and Peter,
coming back from his Quidditch practice and giggling. They’ve been attached at the hip this
week, and it worries him. James couldn’t figure him out this early, could he?

“Sirius, you oughta come down to watch practice one day, it’s really fun!” James exclaims,
setting himself down on his bed and stretching his arms up.

He slightly turns his head to regard him. “Yeah,” he mumbles.

No one speaks for a moment. They’re watching him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Sirius repeats, getting up and walking towards his bed. “Just tired.”

He lays there for hours on end, but he doesn’t sleep. Eventually, it’s past dusk, but he can
only tell since everything’s quieted down. No voices from downstairs, none in here either.
His bed’s curtains are drawn and someone climbs in, no warning. Sirius lifts his head, and
there’s James at the other end. After a silencing charm, he lights his wand and sets it down
between them.

He looks worried, awfully so.

“Sirius, what’s going on?” James asks.

Sirius turns over. “There’s nothing going on.”

“I’ve been barely able to speak to you all week!” He complains. “You go quiet, I can’t find
you anywhere, suddenly there’s weird rumors about you and Evans—which I don’t like or
understand—and you’re still quiet.” James pushes himself closer, but Sirius stays down.
“How come you slammed the drawer when Peter and I came in?”

He looks at James and knits his brows. “I was just closing it, pushed too hard cause you two
startled me,” he mumbles.

“What did you put in there?”

“Just a…just a letter I was working on to Andromeda, we speak all the time, it’s fine.
Which…” Sirius sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “You don’t really know about her.”

James pauses. “Do I know anything?”

Something in Sirius’s brain flares, he pushes himself up and watches James carefully. It’s too
soon for this.

“…What?”

James shakes his head slightly and looks away. “I dunno. You’re my best friend, but you
don’t tell me anything. I thought we agreed to not do this since it’s obvious I care about you,
but it’s like you forgot. For a long while, you didn’t even tell me your brother’s name, I don’t
know anything going on with you and Remus, or this thing about Evans—a-and obviously
I’m not owed anything, of course not. But don’t you think this is wrong?”

Sirius’s heart drums in his throat, his mouth feeling like cotton. He didn’t mean for it to
happen, he’s just scared of what would come about if James ever judged him. He’s doing it
right now, he’s been doing it.

Don’t leave, is all he thinks. It’s too soon to be repelling James away the same way he’s
accidentally done with everyone else. Don’t leave.

He doesn’t say anything.

James frowns. “You’re scaring me, Sirius,” he whispers. “I’m supposed to help you, but you
won’t let me. I’m completely lost, and no distractions are really working in the end, because I
always end up thinking about you. Where you are, how you’re doing, why you’re completely
in your own head recently. It’s just exhausting, it feels like there’s nothing I’m able to do.”
He’s pulling away.

Sirius doesn’t say anything, frozen in his place on the bed.

“…Please say something, I don’t know how to help.”

Sirius’s lip trembles, his eyes dry. “I’m just—“ he starts weakly. “A problem. Aren’t I?”

A beat.

“What are you talking about?”

“Not just a problem, I’m the problem,” Sirius breathes. He tucks himself into his knees.
“Remus doesn’t want me, Regulus doesn’t want me, the rest of my family certainly doesn’t
want me. I keep trying to make excuses, but it all just comes down to me. No one wants me,
James.”

James blinks at him, like he’s said the most ridiculous thing in the world. “I do,” he says.

“Maybe, but one day you won’t. You don’t think so because you’re such…you’re an optimist.
You’re so good. But you’ve given up on Remus, so you can give up on me too.”

“I haven’t given up on Remus,” James mutters. “I can’t. Not when I know how kind he can
be. I tried to talk with him, and he made me very angry. I wanted to scream at him, because
how could he do this to you, to me, to Peter? But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up.” He
reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder. Sirius stiffens up. “You’re my friend, and I’m
not just going to up and leave you. I’d never do that to you.”

Sirius has his doubts, but James’ kindness is just such a force to be reckoned with. It’s all
consuming and overwhelming, and he doesn’t know what to say. He just blinks back a
welling in his eyes, he can’t cry in front of James.

But in Sirius’ stretching silence, James keeps a watchful eye on him. “This is really messing
you up, isn’t it? You should’ve told me, I would have said all of this much sooner.”

His stinging eyes are becoming relentless, so he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. He
chooses the rock, and slowly tucks his forehead into James’ shoulder. One, because he’s
found himself quite fond of his embrace. Two, James can’t see him cry.

He seems taken aback by Sirius initiating for the first time, so much so that he freezes. He
recovers quickly and wraps his arms around him tightly, but not too tight. Sirius tries not to
tense up, but he can’t help it. Letting out a slow breath, he forces himself to relax. He doesn’t
hold James back still, but it’s a step in the right direction.

James moves his arm up and down Sirius’s back, mumbling, “You don’t have to tell me
everything right this second, but do you promise not to keep me in the dark anymore? It
doesn’t do anything good for either of us.”

Sirius’s face is hidden and his eyes are wet, so everything comes out all muffled. “Yeah,
okay...” It’s weirdly intimate like this, so he pulls away first after blinking away tears.
He tries to gather himself together, saying the first thing coming to mind. “Well, first off, the
thing with me and Evans is nothing. It’s just a rumor that got out of hand cause we spoke to
each other a couple times.”

It’s a quick change of conversation, one he hopes isn’t too blatant. James suddenly seems
more at ease, he’s not sure why.

“Oh, okay,” James says. “That’s good.”

There’s something off about his tone that Sirius can’t help but notice. “Why’s that good?”

James shrugs, a slight smile twitching onto his face. “Dunno. Just…is.”

Sirius cocks his head with narrowed eyes. James looks awkward. He’s the type to spew out
every word that comes to his brain, but he’s not awkward.

“James?” Sirius says.

“What?”

He looks at him some more and bites back a smile of his own. “Nothing. Uh—thanks for…
y’know. Goodnight.”

James nods, lightly patting him on the shoulder. “Night, Sirius.”

He grabs his wand and rolls out of the bed, leaving Sirius alone in the dark.

He’s not going to lie to himself and say that took away every doubt he had earlier. It
reassured him about James’ intentions for sure, but there’s a boy across the room and another
many floors below that won’t be giving him such reassurance.

Sirius wishes he still felt comfortable enough to climb into that bed and ask what’s been
going on. Months ago, maybe he would have been told a stupid lie, but at least he was being
spoken to. Would he take that over this? He can’t be sure. He was certainly much happier
when being lied to.

That letter to Andromeda is not going to be sent out. Halfway through, Sirius realized it was
far too much of a cause for concern to be something he sends to a relative. He just needed to
dump his thoughts somewhere.

OCTOBER 12, 1972

Sirius takes a seat in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Donahue watching the
Gryffindors and Slytherins piling in. James sits at his side, and Peter alone at the table beside
theirs. They tend to sit way in the back so Donahue can’t see them so easily. Lily used to sit
up front with Snivellus, but after Mulciber has moved back beside Alice.

He wonders sometimes why she’s even friends with him, the slimy git. Snivellus is friends
with people he’d consider bottom of the barrel, one who tried to kill Lily even. And what is
the appeal? He’s rude, snappy, annoying, and gross.

She seems to have distanced herself from him for the time being, but maybe that’s just a
common theme among everyone right now. Remus is a few rows up with his bag on the chair
beside him to ensure that no one sits with him. Because of this, Sirius spends a fair amount of
class time glaring at the back of his head when he’s not messing with James.

This class is a bore anyway, Donahue hates every Gryffindor’s guts, but his especially. Likely
something to do with the whole ‘first Black sorted out of Slytherin in hundreds of years’
thing. Or the tooth growing thing. Or both.

“This is a very important lesson I have scheduled today,” she begins, brushing down her
emerald robes at the front of the room. “While this is not a topic you would typically learn
until your third year, I believe it is essential in these times. How many of you read the Daily
Prophet?”

Most Slytherins and Gryffindors raise their hands, but Sirius does not. He doesn’t bother with
that sort of thing, a subscription comes with a cost. Currently, he’s not permitted access to
any of his funds for very obvious reasons.

“You all should be,” Donahue asserts, looking around the room. “This is quite relevant to the
news. Open your textbooks to chapter twelve.”

Sirius leans over, pulling out his pristine book he bought at Diagon Alley. “What news?” He
whispers to James.

James shrugs, flipping his book to find the right page. “Dunno, I’ve been busy. Oh, got it.
Three ninety-four, Sirius.”

“Thanks, mate.”

He gets to the page and furrows his brows. They haven’t even done much with magical
creatures yet, what’s so important about Werewolves right now?

James makes an ‘ohhh’ sound in his throat then leans back in to whisper, “I get it and don’t,
there’s been things going on with Werewolves for years.”

“I know…” Sirius says slowly, eyes stuck on the page.

Donahue taps the board, getting everyone’s attention. “Werewolves, also known as
Lycanthropics, Lycanthropy. One of the most dangerous creatures we know of, creatures we
have given far too much freedom to. I’m not one to get into the politics, but given these
recent attacks…this is for all of your safety.”

Sirius scoffs a bit loudly, catching her cold glaring attention. “Mr. Black, is there something
funny?”

“Not funny, Ma’am, no,” he shrugs. “But it’s not like we’re in danger here.”

She stiffens and stands up straighter. “And why is that?”

“I feel like it’d be pretty obvious if there was a Werewolf in the school,” Sirius replies,
turning to James to chuckle. “They can’t break in either, there’s no floo.”

The features on Donahue’s face somehow seem to tighten more than they already are. “Ten
points from Gryffindor for completely irrelevant and false comments,” she announces,
placing her hands behind her back and beginning a pace around the room. “It is never
obvious when you are around a Werewolf. They look just like us, but believe me, they are
nothing like us. Every full moon, they transform into murderous beasts and set out to kill.
There’s a particular pattern, and the vulnerable like children appear to be their main targets.”

Lily shoots her hand in the air, startling Alice and making Donahue raise a brow. “Professor,
respectfully, I disagree. I think you’re generalizing.”

“Another ten points from Gryffindor for—“

“But you are! There are bad Werewolves just like there are bad people, but not every person
is bad. Not every Werewolf is bad,” Lily argues, her lips in a deep frown. Sirius blinks and
looks down at his book, a diagram of the wolf drawn out.

“Twenty-five points.” Professor Donahue takes a few steps towards her and looks down her
nose at the girl. “Any more incorrect comments from you, and it’ll be fifty.” Lily shuffles in
her seat and looks down. “Miss. Evans’ opinions are entirely incorrect, can anyone tell me
why?”

Avery lazily raises a hand. “Humans can choose to kill. Killing is a Werewolf’s nature.”

Donahue gives a tight smile at him. “Ten points to Slytherin. You are correct. It is well
known that a Werewolf loses control of their human side once transformed, there is zero
nuance in this situation, it’s been studied and confirmed.”

Sirius hates this lady, he ends up zoning out for a while. He knows what a Werewolf is. His
eyes land on the back of Remus’s head like they tend to. The boy’s head seems stuck in a
bowed position, but that isn’t very abnormal.

“Mr. Lupin,” Donahue calls, catching both Sirius and Remus’ attention. “Please explain some
of the traits your fellow students can watch out for in case they come in contact with a
Werewolf?”

Remus is silent for the longest ten seconds of Sirius’ life. “…I don’t know, Ma’am.”
“You’re quite the reader, Lupin,” she says, eyes narrowed. “I’m sure you know at least one.”

“I don’t know any.”

She stares at him for an uncomfortably long time, and Sirius flicks his eyes between the two.
The thing is, he hasn’t heard Remus’ voice in months, so it takes him a moment to recover.
It’s a little deeper than it was when he heard it last.

“Twenty points from—“

“For what?!” James complains. “For not knowing the answer?”

Sirius can practically feel Donahue’s growing anger from across the room. Soon enough her
face may go red and her hair will turn into a blazing fire. He’ll roast marshmallows on her, if
that’s the case.

The woman takes a deep breath. “Minus ten points for shouting. Yes. The symptoms are
common knowledge, and Mr. Lupin should be very aware as should the rest of you.”

Sirius thinks twenty points is incredibly excessive for such a silly mistake. So what if Remus
doesn’t know the traits of a Werewolf?

“Some symptoms commonly associated with Werewolves include—and write this down—a
sickness near the full moon, an absence at the full moon, premature aging, lower intelligence,
and a violence even in human form,” Donahue explains as Sirius vaguely scribbles her
words.

Lily’s hand quickly finds its way in the air once more. She receives a sigh from the Professor.
“Have you ever met a Werewolf?” Lily asks.

Donahue forms her lips into a thin line. Her gaze jumps around the room, lingering in
Remus’ direction. “I have not had the displeasure.”

“Then how do you know what they’re all like in human form?” Lily shoots. “This is a
purely…academic question of course, but if we haven’t studied every Werewolf, how can we
be sure? You don’t believe there could be a good one?”

Alice nudges her to stop talking, because it’s clear Donahue is about to take off fifty points.
And she does just that, making the Slytherins snicker and the Gryffindors groan loudly.

“For the constant interrupting, I will also be giving you a detention this Sunday. In fact, Mr.
Lupin, Potter, and Black, you will be joining her.”

“What?!”

“You’re kidding!”

James and Sirius yell in unison. It’s not like they aren’t used to detention, but that is
completely outrageous. Especially for Remus, he didn’t do anything wrong. At least give
them detention for actually doing something stupid.
Donahue tucks a loose blonde strand into her bun. “Anyone else?”

Peter glances at them all with wide eyes before scrambling to his feet, declaring, “I don’t like
this class very much, ma’am!”

“Pete!” James hisses, a smile stretching onto his face.

It’s safe to say, all five of them have detention together on Sunday.

OCTOBER 15, 1972

It’s almost hilarious how this all worked out. Sirius thinks this might be Remus’s worst
nightmare, trapped in a room with every friend he’s dropped for the mere crime of not
knowing Werewolf facts. He can’t wrap his head around why Donahue gave him a detention
for it, it’s not his fault he didn’t know.

Lily knew an oddly large amount about them, why didn’t she just ask her?

That class was a nightmare though, and nearly everyone in Gryffindor is angry with them for
losing over a hundred points in one class. It’s common knowledge to tread carefully around
Donahue, and they caused a bit of a scene.

Remus is nowhere to be found, so they leave without him. Sirius doesn’t think it’s for his
secret illness, that’s usually near the end of the month. Which…now that he thinks on it…is
strange. Why does it run on a schedule of some kind?

“Oi!” Lily calls out to them from the girls’ stairs, making her way down. Sirius and James
glance at each other first, because she hardly ever just talks to them. Even Peter looks
confused.

“Alright, Evans?” James asks once she’s at their side.

“No, not alright,” she grumbles. “I’ve never had detention before, is it bad?”

Sirius isn’t sure if he should talk to her based on their last interaction, so he lets James do it
for him as they make their way down.

“Nah,” he says. “Well, with McGonagall, it’s not so bad. I haven’t had the pleasure of a
detention with Donahue yet.”

Lily groans. “Seriously?”

James chokes a laugh. “I’m sorry for not getting into more trouble, I spose.” He goes silent
for a moment and glances at her. “This is weird.”

“What?”

“You’re being nice.”

Sirius and Peter are sort of the bread to a James and Lily sandwich right now, and neither
seem to know how to butt into this conversation.

Lily rolls her eyes. “If you think this is nice, you need to reevaluate your definition, Potter.
I’m stuck with you four tonight, how about a truce?”

Peter nods. “Well, since Remus hates all of us, I’d say that’s a common ground to truce on.”

“Didn’t know we needed a truce…” James mutters. “I mean we’re not on like…opposite
sides or anything. You just don’t like us.”

“Yeah,” Lily says. “And you don’t like me either, that’s why there’s a truce.”

Sirius thinks if he hears the word ‘truce’ one more time, he’ll lose it.

James slows, giving Lily a genuine look of confusion. “I never said I didn’t like you.”

Lily’s pace slows and she looks back at him. “You don’t have to.”

Before this conversation can get truly awkward, they finally arrive back at their Defense
classroom. Peter opens the door, and Remus is already there, sitting down and working.
Donahue, with her consistently tight updo, clicks her tongue in disapproval as they walk in
the room. It makes Sirius shrink into himself a bit, reminiscent of home. They take their
seats, a similar arrangement to how they were earlier.

The woman crosses her arms and continues to tut in disapproval. “Late to detention, a shame.
The only one who showed up on time was Mr. Lupin, here.”

She gestures out to Remus who takes a heavy breath and continues writing, head low.

Sirius glances at the clock on the wall ticking away, it’s seven on the dot. They’re perfectly
on time.

“Professor, you said seven—“ Lily starts.

“Always show up fifteen minutes before detention starts, that’s just courtesy. But I suppose
none of you would know a thing about that,” Donahue blatantly insults. She looks at him
specifically. “Someone of your status should know this, but you’re quite different from your
family, aren’t you?”

Sirius clenches his jaw and blinks down at the desk.

“The rest of you…” she drags. “I wouldn’t expect much. New money.” Her eyes land on
James. “And a lack of any sort of status from the rest. As I said, a shame. This school has
fallen so far from where it used to be. There used to be a sort of prestige to Hogwarts, it
seems anyone who can wave a wand around is accepted now.”

James scoffs in disdain. “I do wonder what this has to do with our education. You’re a
Professor. Act like it.”

Everyone turns to James at the same time with wide eyes, even Remus picks his head up a
bit. Merlin, he’s right, and he’s so done for.

Donahue crosses the room, heels clacking on the floor until she’s right in front of James. He
glares up at her without an ounce of fear in his eyes. “You…will never take that tone with
me. I am your superior and I could have you expelled in a second.”

James gets to his feet, leaning over the desk, and a head shorter than her. But somehow, they
feel on equal footing. “I dare you,” he mutters. “Defense teachers never last over a year, I’ll
still be here once you leave. And you will.”

There are very few times Sirius has ever seen James angry with someone. One, directed at
him on the train the day they met. Two, directed at Mulciber on the field. Here’s the third.

It’s uncomfortable in an unnatural way. Like something has possessed him.

Donahue sticks her tongue in her cheek, mumbling, “And you’ve just lost your house another
hundred points, Potter.”

“I don’t give a damn. You’re unqualified and just another blood purist who thinks they’re
better than everyone,” James snaps.

No one else in the room has moved other than Remus, who’s finally turned to see this with
his own eyes. Sirius thinks James is insane in a kind of lovely way because he’s clearly
defending them from her insults, but… yeah, still insane. Out of his mind.

Before the Professor can get another word in, James says, “I don’t have an ounce of respect
for people like you, I’ve been learning not to give it to those who think their blood makes
them better. You’re delusional. And when you die—“

“James!” Sirius hisses, tugging James back down into his chair to keep him from actually
threatening a teacher. Like he’s broken from a trance, he clears his throat and crosses his
ankle over his knee in silence.

Donahue obviously heard it, and her eye twitches at James’ complete lack of respect or care
for her feelings. “I will be telling Professor Dumbledore that you’ve just threatened me. You
don’t move a muscle. None of you!” She shouts, her composure entirely lost. She struts out
the door, leaving everyone in the room in a stunned silence for a minute.

“…Well…” Peter says, the first to dare break the hushed room. “At least she’s gone?”
Lily is fully turned around in her chair, her face stuck on an expression Sirius can’t pick
apart. Like she’s shocked and also terrified of James but not in an actual frightened way,
more intimidated than anything.

She closes her gaping jaw and takes a breath. “Potter, are you mad?”

“What?” James shrugs, like that was nothing. “She’s a horrible woman, I had to say
something!”

“Not that she’s going to get replaced and die!”

“Well, she is,” he says. “No Defense teacher lasts, that’s just how it is. And everyone dies! It
wasn’t like I told her, ‘I’m going to kill you’, no, I said that she’s gonna die one day and it
won’t matter because she’s just like everyone else. Wizard blood, muggle blood, who the hell
cares when at the end of it all, we’re just a damn name on a stone!” James shouts, practically
losing his breath from how much he just spouted out. “I can’t stand this, and Evans, you
should be on my side considering Mulciber tried to kill you!”

Lily knits her brows and shakes her head. “He didn’t try to kill me, it was an accident.”

“What?!” James and Sirius once again shout in unison.

“No, no,” Sirius denies. “We watched it happen from up above, that was an attack. Evans
have you gone mad?”

James seems ready to leap from his seat again, his leg bouncing up and down. “He was so
guilty, I was up in his face with Marlene McKinnon and he didn’t look sorry at all! Who told
you that?”

Lily cocks her head. “You were?”

“Yeah, I gave him a piece of my mind. Who told you that, Evans?”

She somehow seems taken aback by the fact that James was even there. “I—I mean, it was
Severus, but—“

“Oh, Snivellus, that little twerp,” James mutters.

“No, but Mulciber must have lied to him then. He seemed very honest about the whole
thing,” Lily says. “He’d never be friends with someone if he knew they tried to kill me.”

“You don’t know that—“

“You don’t know him!” She retorts. “All you’ve done is make fun of him, but he’s a good
person. I’m not having this discussion anymore.” Lily turns her back to them with a scoff and
puts her head down in her arms.

Sirius looks on her with some pity, it must be jarring to realize that someone really did try to
kill you after all. He glances to Remus, who turned away a while ago, then to James, who’s
still looking at Lily.
And oh, what a look. He doesn’t think James even realizes it, but his softened eyes and slight
frown are a lot for a girl he isn’t even friends with. Sirius diverts his gaze, feeling a bit
uncomfortable, landing back on Remus.

He could easily turn around and talk to them. It’s so simple. But he won’t do it.

Why is he here anyway? Some nonsense where Donahue took a particular offense to him not
knowing things about Werewolves, picky about it to him specifically. Donahue doesn’t
typically just call on other students if they didn’t raise their hand, so what was that even
about?

And Lily was just so adamant about good Werewolves, how they’re not all bad. Sirius won’t
believe it until he sees it. He props his head up on his hand and keeps his eyes locked on the
boy in front of him. It’s just…

Remus has a secret. Everyone in this room knows it.

But only Sirius knows he’s ill, and… especially ill right before the days he goes missing.
Always on a schedule, it’s never really random, is it?

He goes away for one night and one day. Always…one night, one day. One night. And one
day to recover. Recover from hurting himself, like those scars he saw that day in the Hospital
Wing. And like the one on his face when Sirius thought his parents had hurt him. But they
didn’t do it.

He was weak on finals day, hurting so much he failed Flying and collapsed afterward. That
night, Sirius knows there was a full moon, he had spent hours staring at it in anger from what
Remus said. He doesn’t need him, according to his words, but he found him the next day
practically torn apart. And Remus never tripped and fell to get that. He couldn’t have. They
were more like…claw marks…than scrapes.

It must be a horrible secret if he has to push everyone away.

Sirius blinks, breathing heavily. It’s been there, staring at him in the face this whole time.

“Sirius?” James asks, tapping him on the shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“No,” he mumbles. Remus is there, right in front of him, and he’s—Sirius shoots up from his
chair. “I’m leaving.”

Peter shakes his head. “No, you can’t! She said we have to stay here. And you can’t leave
during detention.”

“Shut up, Peter,” Sirius grumbles, slamming the door behind him.
He feels dizzy. Stupid. Like a fucking idiot. Remus is sick, and that’s something he didn’t lie
about. It’s not some mystery illness, he’s a Werewolf.

Remus. Small, shy, but snappy, total liar and jerk, Remus. A Werewolf.

There’s no doubt in his mind as to what Remus is, but he can’t wrap his head around it. His
hands shake as he makes his way down the empty halls, it’s near curfew. Good, no one can
see him like this.

Lily must know. Oh, she has to. There’s no chance she’d be so adamant about Werewolves
being good if she didn’t. When they’d spoken on the couch, it was so obvious she knew more
than him. When did she find out? How did she? It must have been all the way in first year,
since Remus stopped being her friend then. Which means she lied to him as well.

Sirius makes it all the way back to Gryffindor tower with a slight ringing in his ears. It’s
wrong, it’s horrible, it’s all wrong.

He tries not to let it rearrange his entire perception of Remus, but he can’t. He’s a Werewolf.
Has he killed anyone? No, he wouldn’t. Would he?

Sirius doesn’t even know him. Not even for a second did he know Remus Lupin.

He’d had this image of Remus in his mind for a long time, bookish and shy with a sarcastic
side to him. Who is he really? Is there anything else about him he’s hidden?

He needs to speak with Lily. He needs—He just needs someone to yell at for all of this.

And he’s going to tell Remus he figured him out. Get up right in his stupid face and curse
him out for making him feel like he’s insane.

Lily, Remus, and Peter are back sooner than he thought they’d be, and he stops pacing
frantically. Remus is already moving up the stairs and Sirius watches him.

“Where’s James?” He asks first.

“With Dumbledore,” Peter replies. “Can’t imagine anything good is coming from that
outburst.”

He can’t even get his head in the right state, so he doesn’t find himself the ability to care
about anything involving detentions and Professors and stupid stupid rules. Just Remus.

“I need to talk with Evans, go upstairs,” he utters, a harsh tone lacing his voice. It sounds
unnatural from him, but Peter clearly gets the message and quickly moves up and out of
sight.

He turns around and finds Lily looking at him tentatively, slowly making her way back down
the girls’ stairs. Sirius stalks his way over, temper boiling over. “You knew! This whole time,
you knew!”
Lily’s eyes practically turn into saucers. “Know what?” She asks, prompting him to make
sure they’re on the same page.

“What he is, you knew!” Sirius practically shouts. “I was losing my own head for weeks and
you didn’t say a word! You never told me a thing!”

She doesn’t seem surprised he’s figured it out, nor does she pretend not to know anymore,
there’s no point. Lily doesn’t dare match his volume, instead going for a level approach
saying, “How could I? That just puts him in danger.”

“And what about me?”

“What about you?”

“He was my friend, and he’s—“ Sirius stammers. “Lily, he’s…”

“He’s what?” She ridicules, giving him a mean look. “He was still your friend. I don’t
understand you people, he’s human! Ninety-nine percent of the time he’s a human being with
thoughts and emotions just like you. This is why I didn’t tell you, you lot are so horrible!”

Sirius can’t believe this, he’s in the wrong for having concern that he’s sharing a room with a
Werewolf? “Lily, they target humans, that’s what they do. What if he doesn’t remember to get
out one night and I get ripped to shreds or something?”

“Then you’re dead and he has to live with that soul eating regret for the rest of his life as a
human being. Because he feels things, you idiot!” Lily pushes him back by the chest a bit,
catching Sirius off guard. “He is what he is, and he’s good. Remus is good, and if you’ve
forgotten that, I really have no hope for you.”

With that, she turns on her heel and leaves Sirius alone. There’s no crackling fire tonight, the
bricks empty and wood charred.

He grumbles and decides to head back to the room, because what can he even do now? It’s
like everything has been flipped on its head, he doesn’t know what’s right and wrong
anymore.

Remus has never been violent in the slightest. He has a mean glare and a harsh way with
words, but he’s never physically hurt anybody. When Sirius knew him, he was kind. Oh, he
was so kind.

He closes the door behind him then gets down and digs through his chest for it. For when
Sirius realized that Remus knew him. He holds the crumpled paper in both hands, folds it,
and climbs into bed.

It was such a special day. He’d hardly ever felt so cared for in his life, all four of them beside
the warm lit fireplace looking at what Remus handmade for them. Sirius is cold now, a shiver
running through his body. He circles his finger around the crayon marks and smiles a little.

Remus is good. No bad person would be Sirius’s friend in the way Remus was his.
 That night he stumbled in the room and fell over. It was real, and those scars are real too. His
condition is hurting him. No one deserves that, he knows Remus, and he doesn’t deserve it.

Sirius wants his friend back. He doesn’t care about his illness, the fact that he turns into a
wolf is suddenly entirely irrelevant to him. Sirius doesn’t hate Remus, he was angry, and
maybe he still is a bit. But something else in him just misses him dearly, and he’s right across
the room.

The last time he was spoken to was in the Hospital Wing. Remus doesn’t want him, and he
doesn’t need him. Well of course he doesn’t want him, no one does.

But Sirius wants Remus back in his life. So he’ll have him, Lycanthropy and all.

———

Chapter End Notes

cw: referenced child abuse

HUGE chapter for a lot of people. Some Regulus insight for his and Sirius’ childhood.
Sirius has felt these things for a WHILE, but it’s the first time he’s really had a break
like that. That entire section with him and James is one of my favorites of them two so
far, along with another coming up soon.

Then to Donahue, I really hate this bitch (I made her…) but she’s important. And
annoying. James is so good here, I love when he stands up for what he believes in. Also
him and Lily…you’ll see!

And the reveal! Sorry for making him freak out about it, he switched up like crazy right
after though. I forgive him.

Anyway, next chapter is another very important one, god I really can’t imagine why.
Hope you enjoyed!!
 Second Year: Repenting
Chapter Summary

Last night was weird, but there’s no point in thinking about it. Remus can’t dwell on
ridiculous things like what Sirius may be thinking. It’s better to move on.

Chapter Notes

Word: 5.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 16, 1972

After the absolute disaster of this week, Remus finds himself at a loss. He knows Donahue
knows what he is, every professor is informed so they don’t fail him for his absences. What
he can’t get his mind around, is why Professor Dumbledore would hire such a woman like
that. After telling her what he is, she must have had a reaction. But he let her stay?

What does she offer the school that other professors can’t? How important is she that
Remus’s safety and future is in danger because she can’t keep her snobby mouth shut?

That class and detention were torture and he’s quite glad James snapped at her, he would
have if it didn’t mean she’d out him. However, James may have to sit out the first Quidditch
game now. It hasn’t been fully decided yet. He came back to the room later last night visibly
upset, the second person to be out of the ordinary.

Sirius’s behavior was something he’s never seen before, and he can’t imagine what caused it.
It was completely out of nowhere. The room was silent, so he must have been in his own
head.

There’s no point in thinking about it, he can’t dwell on ridiculous things like what Sirius may
be thinking.

Just move on. He has to.

Remus makes his way down the stairs from the Astronomy Tower to head to the library. It’s a
good spot for when he has a hard time letting himself be invisible in the dorms. Not to
mention there’s a good chunk of time until Charms, he has time to hide out.
He gets down to the sixth floor corridor, it’s quite busy here. It’s easy to miss something like
trailing footsteps and eyes on your back.

Remus’s wrist is grabbed and tugged sharply, pulling him to the side so fast he can’t get time
to process it. He’s in a room, the door is being slammed shut, his arm is still in a grip, and
there’s Sirius.

Sirius, looking down at him with a very unsmiling face. Remus backs up, but that just pulls
them along together.

“What are you doing?” He freaks, tugging his wrist, but Sirius has a grip on him. “Sirius, let
go of me!”

He doesn’t respond for a moment, like he’s relishing in the fact that Remus has spoken to him
at all. It’s been a long four months.

Sirius regains his composure and shakes his head. “I can’t, you’re gonna run away.”

“Of course I am, get off me!” He shouts.

“No!” Sirius retorts, struggling with Remus’s squirming. “I’m here to talk to you, stop—stop
moving!”

“I don’t want to talk to you, I thought I made that clear.”

Sirius grumbles, “Well not clear enough, because I am very stubborn,” he says, pushing
Remus flat against the door. “Will you just listen to me?!”

He doesn’t think he has much of a choice considering Sirius has just trapped him here. So he
waits. Sirius takes a deep breath and lets his eyes fall shut.

“Okay, I need you to not panic.”

“This is a horrible way to start,” Remus grunts, doing anything to put just a bit more distance
between them.

He sighs. “I just really need you to keep it together when I say this.” Remus waits longer,
watching Sirius with his heart beating in his ears. Voice trembling, Sirius says two words, “I
know.”

Remus searches Sirius’s worried eyes. This has happened before, it’s okay. He knows he
doesn’t mean it, but that doesn’t stop his throat from going dry. “What do you know?”

Sirius’s face contorts into a pained expression, and Remus hopes he can’t feel his heart
against the arm pressed to his chest.

“I…know. Remus, I know.”

“What are you talking about?” He breathes, hands quivering. The force against him has
loosened enough where he could move if he wanted. Remus waits anyway.
“Remus, please,” Sirius whispers. “Your illness. It was never just an illness, I know now.”
Remus's breath stutters in his throat, waiting for complete confirmation. He can’t mess up
now. Sirius could just be trying him. He could be trying him for attention, it could be
anything. “The scars, the disappearances, the lying. It’s every full moon Remus, you’re a We
—“

Remus rips himself from his grasp and clamps one hand over Sirius’s mouth, the other firmly
holds the back of his head. “No!” He cries. “No, no no, Sirius, you can’t. You can’t!”

Sirius doesn’t pull his hands from his face, but he tries to back out of it. Remus won’t have it,
he won’t have this. He won’t do this to him, he can’t.

He takes Sirius with him, pushing forward until he’s the one backed into a wall. Remus
catches a flicker of something passing through his eyes, it makes him sick. During class,
Sirius had talked about Werewolves the way most do. And now he knows, he knows and he
wasn’t meant to, he was never meant to know. No one was. Sirius is going to expose him,
why wouldn’t he? With his family, his history of prejudice, he’s here to taunt him before he
ruins his life.

Remus is putting them all in danger. It was a mistake coming here, he never should have.
This never would have worked in the long run.

“How could you do this to me?” Remus whines, pulling his hands off Sirius and pushing him
back by the chest. “How could you?! I stopped talking to all of you for a reason, you were
never meant to—How did—” He groans loudly, pulling his hands through his hair. Fucking
Donahue. “That bitch, this is her fault!”

“Remus…” Sirius finally says through his stunned silence. “Remus, I don’t care. I don’t care
about your condition, I just—“

“Of course you do,” Remus mutters miserably. “You’d be right to.” He paces a few steps in
frantic thought. “You found out during detention. When you left completely horrified, that’s
when you realized it, wasn’t it?”

“…Yes.”

“So of course you care! And—and you demanded to speak to Lily afterwards, you…no…
does she? Sirius, does she know?”

Sirius swallows. “Yes.”

A sharp noise pulls itself from his throat, this is a nightmare. It has to be. Remus shakily
grasps at his arm and digs his nails in, feeling pain, but he’s still here. He’s here, Sirius and
Lily know. They know, and he’s still here.

“Who else? Does anyone else? What’s—Sirius—how could you—“ He hyperventilates.

“I don’t think anyone else knows, Remus, I—I’d never know for sure.” Sirius’s eyes dart
around his shaking form in a panic. Every breath is caught dead in his lungs, crawling out of
him in pathetic gasps. His shoulders are suddenly held in a vice grip, he doesn’t look up. “It
doesn’t change anything, I promise, I don’t even care that you lied, I get why. I get it. Please,
Remus, just…just listen to me.”

Remus shakes his head, pulling himself back. “It changes everything. Of course it does!” He
pants. “I can’t go here anymore, once it gets out it’s over.”

“Why would it get out? I’m not telling anyone. Lily isn’t telling anyone. It’s…it’s still a
secret.”

“But you’re scared of me, I saw it,” he mentions, scrambling for anything at this point. Sirius
Black wouldn’t find out what he is and just…be fine with it.

And yet, Sirius doesn’t back down. “You don’t scare me.”

“I should. I could tear you apart and not even realize it until the next day. No remorse, no
nothing. You’d be dead.”

“…You’re my friend,” he says softly. “You don’t scare me.”

Remus frowns. “We’re not friends. We—we can’t be.”

“Yes, we can. This is horrible for everyone and we’ve both been miserable!” Sirius shouts,
taking a step closer. “And you’ve been dealing with this by yourself, is it not hard?”

“I can handle myself just fine.”

“But you can’t!” He exclaims. “I’ve seen how you struggle with it, I just didn’t know why it
was happening. You need help.”

What a ridiculous thing to say. His own parents couldn’t do it, what’s Sirius going to do?
Lycanthropy has no cure. He’s having a hard time just wrapping his head around Sirius
saying he isn’t telling anyone.

“Sirius, I can’t be fixed. This lasts forever,” he says like it’s obvious. It should be. Sirius is a
fool, and there’s nothing he can do.

“I’m not going to fix you,” Sirius starts.

“I know that—“

“I don’t want you to be alone,” he blurts.

Remus swallows, heartbeat becoming obvious in his chest once more. They stare at each
other in silence for a moment. It shouldn’t be on his mind, but Sirius looks older. His hair has
started to curl at the back of his neck and swoops over his forehead, though a bit disheveled
from all of this.

His eyes are kind, and they’re honest. Remus recalls the first time he saw them, stone cold
and judging. He’s not that person anymore, and…he doesn’t think he’d out him.
Sirius means all of this. He knows what he is, and he really, truly, is not scared.

Remus clears his throat and breaks eye contact first, glancing down at his shoes. “I…liked
having you as a friend,” he mumbles, rubbing his thumb over the nail prints he left on his arm
to soothe them.

“I know,” Sirius says. “I…I also did.” He’s always had this problem with putting his feelings
to words, yet Remus understands.

He nods slowly, moving to Sirius’s side and sliding down the wall to sit. Sirius follows
hesitantly. There’s still Charms next, he has no idea where to go from here. Are they friends
again? What is this?

“What do we do now?” Remus asks quietly, sparing a glance at Sirius. When Sirius looks
back, his eyes divert on their own.

He speaks slowly, “I mean…I…I’d like having you back in my life. Would you…”

“Yes,” Remus spouts before Sirius gets to finish. It’s a bit embarrassing, and his face goes
hot. He rubs his shoes together and bows his head, lips quirking up. “Uh, came out a bit
quick.”

Sirius chuckles, drawing his knees up to his chest. “That’s alright. Sorry for making you freak
out, by the way,” he says. “I mean, I expected a little panic, but not like that.”

Remus just shrugs, actually a bit exhausted from this whole ordeal. “Would have happened
no matter how you told me. I thought you were going to tell everyone, or maybe that you did
already. So…I was scared.”

“Are you still scared?”

“…A little. Not from you, I don’t think. It’s just…you and Lily knowing means that other
people can find out too. So I’m not doing a very good job at hiding it.”

Sirius nudges him with an elbow playfully. “Well, if anyone tries to expose you, I’ll kill them
for you.”

“Shut up,” he mumbles with no sign of irritation. “You shouldn’t joke about that.”

“I’d whack them over the head then. Put a nasty hex on them, maybe. How’s that?”

Remus rolls his eyes in a bad attempt to hide the smile growing on his face. “Cast
Mimblewimble on ‘em. Can’t out me if you can’t speak.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“You think?”
 ———

Sirius hasn’t been this giddy in a while. Every time he looks to his side and finds Remus
there during Charms he smiles, his friend is back. It’s like he’s got object permanency issues
and forgets that yes, Remus really is there, and no, he doesn’t hate him. He probably never
did.

He was worried Remus wouldn’t want him after the slightly forceful confrontation, but as
soon as he admitted liking having Sirius as a friend, he felt ten times lighter. Sirius didn’t
even realize how heavy his chest had felt for the past four months. It’s all so airy now.

The looks on James, Peter, and Lily’s faces were hilarious if he’s honest. Three sets of eyes
the size of saucers following them, and Remus definitely noticed it. They sat on the raised
seats on the far side from James and Peter, Sirius mouthing a quick ‘Sorry’ to James who was
utterly speechless.

Their confusion is expected, an hour ago in Astronomy they weren’t talking. He hopes to
warm Remus back up to James and Peter so they can all be friends again before the holidays.

Sirius glances to his left for a moment at Remus, who’s focused on getting his notes down
with a scratchy quill. He’s definitely still disoriented by his discovery last night, now entirely
aware that his friend is a Werewolf. Maybe it’s the fact that Remus is nothing like what he
thought Werewolves looked like. He’s a scrawny kid with joint pains, not a big scary
monster.

Lily was right. Remus is good, so he’s a good Werewolf.

By the end of class, he has three inches of parchment worth of notes and Remus has over a
foot, which is quite funny. Not his fault, his mind is occupied.

The bad news is—and there’s no good news to precede it—Defense is their next class.

“You should sit with us,” Sirius says once they’re let out.

Remus shakes his head. “I can’t, you just sit with them, I’m alright for one class.”

“But Donahue’s an ass to you,” he whines. “And James and Peter don’t know and didn’t do
anything, it’s alright—“

“Donahue is an ass to all of us,” Remus comments, which…fair enough. “And…well, I’d
need to speak with them first. Preferably not in her class.” He looks up at Sirius and shrugs.
“I can sit by myself for an hour, I’ve been doing it over a month.”

He sighs, “Yeah, but I don’t want you to.”

“I’m going to.”

“…Fine,” Sirius grumbles. The last thing he wants is to upset Remus when they just made
up. He could just let him have his way until they adjust to being around each other, even if he
doesn’t like it.

They enter Professor Donahue’s classroom and keep their heads low. Sirius forgot he
completely ditched detention yesterday. With James telling her she’s going to die, Remus
being a Werewolf, and Sirius’s incredible disobedience, he can’t imagine she’s going to make
this enjoyable for them. Not that she ever did.

“Mr. Black,” she calls with authority. Sirius stops dead in his tracks and turns around slowly.
The rest of the class moves to look at him as well, which is just perfect. “Do you have
something to say?”

Uh, no, he thinks. Not to her at least. Sirius furrows his brows, staring at her awaiting
expression. “Good afternoon?” He says, entirely unsure what she actually wanted from him.
“…Ma’am?”

Her lips thin into a long line across her face. “Very funny, that’s ten points from Gryffindor.
Take a seat.”

“For telling you to have a good afternoon?” Sirius questions, plopping himself down beside
James, who’s eyeing him. “Bit much.”

It is a lot much. The Gryffindor hourglass is nearing empty from their over two-hundred point
loss.

“No,” she scolds. “For leaving detention when I was busy dealing with your little friend.
You’re lucky I didn’t just take off fifty.”

Sirius shrugs. “We don’t even have fifty.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“…Well, yours actually—“

James hits his arm from under the table, telling him to shut up. Fair enough. He is in danger
of losing Quidditch privileges from this lady, and Sirius thinks James would rather die than
have that happen.

Once she finally gets on with the lesson, picking up about Werewolves from last class, James
taps his arm again. Lighter this time, of course. Sirius looks at him while James leans in to
whisper, “Mind explaining?”

“What?”

James looks at him like he’s stupid. “Uh…No big deal, just talking to Remus out of nowhere.
There was one hour between Astronomy and Charms. How did you possibly deal with four
months of ignoring each other…In one. Hour.”

Sirius bites back a smile. “I’m quite efficient,” he murmurs.

“Yeah, but…” James glances at the back of Remus’s head. “How’d you forgive him so
easily?”

That question comes as a shock to him, he expected James to be an incredibly forgiving

person based off everything.

He shrugs. “It wasn’t really forgiveness. More like…compromise. I suppose.”

James purses his lips, eyes flickering down to the desk. “And what about us? Me and Pete?
Why is he still avoiding us?”

“He said he wanted to speak to you two.”

“Oh, well that’s a first.”

“…We should talk about this after class,” he whispers.

Donahue ends up being a total nightmare as per usual, but none of the Gryffindors open their
mouths in fear of really draining their points, so it was bearable enough.

Classes are over for the day, and Sirius is prepared for the most awkward conversation of his
life back in their shared room. In fact, no one says a word until they’re all the way back up
which just makes it worse.

The moment the door closes, James says, “You two need to explain whatever is going on
here. Like…now.”

Remus clears his throat. “Well…basically…I would be willing to try and talk to you all.
Again.”

“That’s basically the first time I’ve heard his voice since June,” Peter lightly comments.

“Um…yeah,” Remus mumbles. “Sorry. I just uh…” He pauses to glance up at James. “I

wanna speak to James. Alone. If you both don’t mind.”

Sirius glances at Peter and back at Remus. He knows James tried to talk with Remus before,
he told him so. Was it that bad?

“Yeah,” he rasps, taking a couple stiff steps back. “No problem. Peter?”

Peter hums and follows after him out the door. “Am I gonna get a fancy talking to as well?”
He asks once it's shut. “Or is that just for cool people?”

He digs his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “You’re…you’re cool Peter. And I mean, that’s
up to Remus, isn’t it?”

“I guess…”
 ———

Remus didn’t plan on doing this today. Or ever. In fact, a month ago, he was very sure he was
never going to speak to anyone again. Unfortunately, he’s human. He can’t help himself.

That day keeps him up at night, eating away at his soul because of how wrong it felt to hurt
James Potter. He never deserved that nor will he ever.

This isn’t exactly a complete turn around, it’s not like Remus has changed his mind about
everything. He’s going to be lying to them about where he’s going and what he’s doing. None
of them can get close like Sirius did, and neither seem to be as suspicious as Lily was. Maybe
he’ll finally be in the clear. Or, perhaps he’s just in an endless cycle of denying others entry to
himself and then quickly having that notion beaten to death.

He’s been left alone with James now per his own request, and Remus needs to say something.
It’s hard to dissect what has to be said, he really didn’t plan this.

James starts instead, sternly saying, “I don’t understand.”

Considering Remus hasn’t started to explain, that makes sense. “James, listen…”

“No, I just…” He sighs, avoiding his gaze. “It took you one hour. One hour of talking with
Sirius to get you in your right mind again. I—I mean. Are you in your right mind?”

He tries not to take offense to this, it’s not like James knows anything that’s happened. He’s
almost entirely in the dark. “I’d like to think so,” Remus says. “The thing is with Sirius…
we’re both very stubborn people. It was just a—a miscommunication that got blown out of
proportion. We just had to talk to each other.” It’s a lie. Not a terrible one.

“Sure, but what did Peter and I have to do with it?” James questions, crossing his arms. “You
completely blew us off with no explanation, and for what? I didn’t give up on you going back
to normal, but I just didn’t expect it so soon, or so…abruptly. One hour, Remus. Do you
realize how—how ridiculous that is? What did Sirius say to you that made you realize you’ve
been a total idiot?”

Remus frowns, hesitating before saying what came to mind. It just feels…personal. To both
of them. And not just because of the Werewolf talk.

“He didn’t say anything in particular, I told you, we both made a mistake. I just…was being
immature and took it out on everyone,” he lands on. It makes him feel a bit sick though, lying
during an apology and explanation for his behavior. He has no choice.

James paces for a minute, thinking, before huffing a breath. “That’s not fair. Remus, I’m
quite a forgiving person. I don’t like to hold grudges on people I know can be good. But you
really hurt me that day. Do you know that?”
He breathes, “Yeah, I know, I’m—“

“No, like seriously,” James deadpans. “Remus, I don’t cry. And I don’t mean that the way
someone like Sirius does, he’s practically married with hiding his emotions, that’s who he is.
But that’s not who I am. I don’t cry, because no one hurts me enough to do that.” His brows
bunch together enough to make a small wrinkle between them. “You did. You’re the only one
in this room who has seen me cry before, and you caused it. I asked if you cared, you said no.
Was that a lie?”

“…Yes. Of course,” he mutters, chest heavy. “James, I’m sorry. I hated doing that to you.”

“So why did you?”

Remus finds himself speechless, mouth opening and closing a couple times. “I…I’ve got this
idea in my head that being alone is better for me,” Remus stammers. It feels wrong to be
saying it, but James deserves truth, even if it’s partial. The guilt might eat him alive if he
doesn’t.

There’s something about James for him. Something like an aura that makes him feel like he
could say anything and in the end James would tell him it’s okay. He doesn’t stand for
intolerance, that’s become incredibly clear. He’s defensive of these beliefs and the people he
cares about.

He wonders how James would feel about him if he really knew him. He’s just so… good. The
way his eyes immediately filled with sympathy as Remus just spoke, as if his feelings on the
matter didn’t mean anything anymore.

“James, I’m…” It claws up his throat until Remus is left staring at him with an open mouth
and knitted brows. Fear suddenly grips him like a vice, and he can’t say it. He never could. In
the end, he swallows it down and glances away. “I’m sorry, I really am. I’d like to—I want to
be your friend again.”

James looks at him sadly, jaw tight. “I offered you before…”

“I know.”

“You didn’t even want to look at me.”

“...I know,” Remus repeats. He takes a couple steps closer. “I don’t have anything to offer
you like you did me.” He extends his hand towards James. “We could just shake on it, if
you’d like. But only if you want.”

James really doesn’t hold grudges…does he? Because despite everything, even after Remus
hurt him, he starts to bring his arm up. “As long as you promise to never do that to us again.
Not just me, all three of us.”

Package deal, of course. Hence why Remus had to leave them all behind in the first place. It’s
a hard thing to promise, because he has no idea what the future holds for them. But
considering Sirius knows now and doesn’t plan to let it get out, he can’t imagine anything
that could tear the four of them apart again.

“I promise, James,” he says.

James immediately and firmly grabs his hand and shakes it. The corners of his lips start to
stretch on his face as he pulls back. “Welcome back, Remus,” he fully grins.

Remus smiles shyly, head hanging low. “Suppose I should speak to Peter now, shouldn’t I?”

“I think you should. But he doesn’t have something holding him back like I did. Honestly,
he’s just been bored. I’ve become his entertainer, I’m like a court jester.”

“I’ve noticed, yeah. It’s a bit funny.”

Soon enough, after a tiny bit more bickering, James leaves and Peter comes in. Remus is not
nearly as stressed about this one. Peter’s one to adjust to things very quickly, not to mention
James has just given him a chance, meaning Peter likely will. It’s a funny thing he does.

Remus is much more relaxed after the first confrontation, so he’s upfront and says, “I’m sorry
about ignoring you, Peter. I’ve had some personal things and then there was—a big
miscommunication with me and Sirius. We spoke, and I feel much better now. In my right
mind, y’know?”

Peter nods, a weak smile forming. “Yeah, it’s alright. Not so different from home anyway.”

He furrows his brows. “What do you mean?”

“Well, not exactly the same. Obviously,” he scoffs lightheartedly. “What I mean is, since my
mum and dad are usually out working and only really spend time during holidays, I’m a bit
used to being ignored.”

Remus’s heart drops, suddenly feeling guilty. He thought this would be easy, Peter doesn’t
usually…do this sort of thing. “Oh, Peter, I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to do that.”

“What did you want to do?” Peter asks, cocking his head. “Dunno, this whole thing was so
weird. I didn’t even know what was happening, and suddenly… boom. Everything’s fixed.
Don’t mind, just confused.”

“I…spoke to Sirius, really, he told me to get it together,” he lies.

Peter hums. “Damn. That really worked?”

“…Yes,” Remus nods slowly. Sirius did nothing of the sort, he did not tell Remus to get it
together. It was more like pleading for a bond back that was built up from falsehoods. They
can move beyond it, hopefully. “And again, I’m sorry for making you feel so neglected. I
really just took out my frustration on you lot, it was pretty messed up.”

Peter pouts his lips, bobbling his head around like he’s mentally weighing his different
responses. He pops back up and half shrugs. “It’s okay, I’ll get over it.”
“Oh.” He’ll always appreciate an easy forgiveness, but this might be pushing it for him.
“Alright. That’s good…I think.”

“It is good,” Peter says. “Means I won’t dwell on the fact that you totally pretended we didn’t
exist. You should appreciate that.”

“Uh huh…alright.”

That was pretty easy actually. Remus thinks that’s good in the grand scheme of things. Good
on Peter for not caring much for his simultaneous selfish and selfless action that demolished
a year of friendship.

Peter hops up onto his bed and kicks his dangling legs. “Well, cheers. Anyone else you’re
talking to?”

No, he thinks. Seconds later…yes. She might have been incredibly nosy—likely the first
person to ever find out about him—but she’s kept it a secret all this time. And the way she
spoke during class, he’s never heard someone speak about his condition like that. To Remus,
it means he could give trusting her a real chance.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Lily Evans.”

“Oh, wow, we’re going far back then?” Peter giggles, obviously not understanding what she
has to do with any of this. “Sirius must have done a really good job at whatever he did.”

Remus sighs, because now everyone is just going to think he was this selfish jerk who Sirius
put sense into. He supposes that’s better than knowing he spends every so often howling at
the moon.

Before the four of them can really talk as a group for the first time in months, he sets on a
mission to find Lily. He’s actually curious how she found out so long ago, now that he knows
she doesn’t plan on spreading it. Yes, it’s still incredibly dangerous that she knows at all, but
he isn’t going to pretend she doesn’t. That’s just stupid.

It takes a while to find her, but eventually does in the darkening Courtyard, she’s with most
of her friends playing Exploding Snap. Oh, he’s going to hate interrupting them. There are
about six of them including Lily and they’re cackling at a card exploding in Dorcas’s face.

He clears his throat and walks out onto the grass towards them. Mary catches sight of him
first, eyebrows raising and pointedly showing him that Lily is in fact, here. Remus nods and
makes a gesture of ‘Yeah, I know.’

“Lily,” he says once he’s behind her. She whips around with wide eyes and drops her cards to
the grass below.

“Remus?”
The other girls are all looking at him too and it makes his face quite warm. “Um, I wanted to
speak with you.”

She hesitates for a moment, glancing between him and the others before pushing herself up to
her feet. “Yeah, definitely, that’s—okay,” she sputters, following after him while they go back
inside.

His hands are jittery with nerves, he didn’t think he’d ever willingly speak to her again. They
walk in silence until he finds some staircase to hide behind. Lily looks at him timidly with a
frown.

“Hi,” he breathes, an awkward smile twitching a bit on his face.

Lily furrows her brows. “Hi…You were speaking to Sirius today.”

It’s really nice to know that everyone is in his business. Remus nods slowly. “Yeah. He
knows.”

She doesn’t look surprised at what he’s saying, like she expected this conversation eventually.
“I know.”

There’s a bit of a double meaning to that.

“…You do.”

Lily purses her lips and rolls the fabric of her skirt in her hand. “I figured it out before the
holidays last year, right after the last time we really got to talk, if you were wondering. It was
kind of a…lucky guess, really,” she admits, staring down at her hands. “I mean, I did also
notice you were gone every full moon for months afterwards. Just sort of confirmed it.”

“Last year, that’s unbelievable,” Remus says, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “And you’ve
just—you kept that to yourself for all this time? I mean, you didn’t tell Sirius, he found out
on his own during detention.” He takes a step back. “Actually, speaking of Sirius…I heard
—“

“No! Not a thing!”

He pauses, staring at her immediate frustration. “I know that. Lily, I’m not a moron.
Obviously not. I’m just wondering why. How did that possibly happen?”

She scoffs. “Because he was all worried about you and kept talking to me about it since we
had you in common. He was losing it trying to figure you out, and so he was dragging me to
all these places to talk in private…obviously people saw that. Made their assumptions that we
were snogging or something, which is ridiculous. I’ve never kissed a boy in my life. And I
mean, I have been absolutely bombarded by this for over a week, I’m sick of it!” Lily rants,
waving her arms around as she speaks.

Remus is just caught on the fact that Sirius was that worried about him.

There’s a beat before she sighs. “So, he told you the day after finding out? How come?”
“He uh…” Remus mumbles, rubbing his palms on his trousers. “He wanted to be my friend
again.”

Lily hums, eyeing him. “And…it worked out?”

He nods. “Yeah, I mean, it wasn’t easy, despite it being a bit fast. An hour, James said.”

“Oh, talking to Potter again, too?”

“I—uh—yeah, I’ve spoken to him and Peter too. Now you.”

Lily laughs. “Christ, Remus, repenting for your sins or something?”

Remus stares at her. “What?”

“It’s…“ She sighs tiredly. “Nothing.”

A silence falls between them for a minute, and Remus realizes he’s steered around the real
reason he came to speak to her. This isn’t like James and Peter, she knows why he left her.

He racks his brain on how to start this out. “So, I actually wanted to apologize about
everything. Truth be told, I tried to convince myself I really didn’t like you for what you did.
I know you were just confused and…curious. I’d be.”

Lily’s face is full of sympathy, she shakes her head in denial. “No, don’t apologize. It must be
hard, dealing with all of it. I couldn’t imagine the stress,” she says.

“Did you um…” Remus starts, shifting the conversation ever so slightly. “Did you really
mean what you said on Thursday? During class?”

“About…how I don’t believe they’re all bad?”

“Yeah,” he says softly. “Did you mean it?”

She nods. “Of course I did. Despite your slip ups and occasional grouchy attitude, you’re a
very good person, Remus. I really mean that.”

”…Thank you…”

It’s hard reminding himself sometimes, especially as the full moon draws closer. He’s busy
tearing himself apart, but if there were to be someone else there, that’s where the Wolf’s
anger would be directed to. Remus has no control over it, but it doesn’t help him feel like a
good person.

Fulfilling what people think of Werewolves is easy, and Remus just did it for months. Making
truly good people cry, reminding them of empty homes, stressing them out. He thought he’d
been doing it for his own and their well-being, but it just made everyone feel worse in the
end. That wasn’t worth it at all.
 It feels like he’s on the other side of it now and ready to make his amends. Remus is sorry,
and he’s not going to go silent again.

———

Chapter End Notes

Hooray!!! LMAO it only took 10 chapters for the marauders and 13 for Lily. No big
deal. Jesus, that was rough, but don’t worry it’s gonna get better…for a bit.

But I like this chapter a lot, showing all the ways they react to things. Mmm character
analysis. I’m getting less serious with these notes every chapter, sorry.

Basically, we can start moving on from their first big conflict, which is great! Thank
god!
 Second Year: High Spirits
Chapter Summary

Being a kid isn't so bad.

Chapter Notes

100K words uploadeddd oh yes. We're in this thing now. Enjoy a happy chapter!

Words: 4.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 3, 1972

The next couple of weeks go swiftly and happily. It turns out, being a kid is something
Remus actually likes. When James proposed a dumb prank on some of the students, he
couldn’t help but join in.

James didn’t end up losing Quidditch privileges thanks to Professor McGonagall, who
practically fought Donahue and Dumbledore for it. He was in much lighter spirits afterwards.
The prank ended up being both relatively harmless and hilarious, which Remus appreciates.
He showed them this mirror tunnel excitedly with Peter, and they landed at Zonko’s in
Hogsmeade of all places.

They took a big handful of Dungbombs—James tried to pay for some, but it was too
expensive in the end—and planted them around the castle before breakfast. You could hear
them going off, loud and nasty. Half the school was covered in green gas and no one knew it
was them. How could it have been them? They can’t go to Hogsmeade yet, they’re too
young.

He’s also been regularly speaking to Lily again, reestablishing their study sessions so they
can get ahead and know what he’ll miss during the moon. It’s also because Lily wants to be
top of the class, but more so the former.

The moon came, and it went. It was an easier moon this time and he was beyond thankful for
it. Despite that, he still took a nap the entire day, waking up around dinner time.
Remus had opened his eyes and found Sirius there in the Hospital Wing with him, sitting in a
chair a few feet away. He was tapping his feet on the ground and for a moment, Remus forgot
Sirius knew. He sat up quickly, catching his attention.

“Good morning,” Sirius joked, oblivious to Remus’ brief panic.

As soon as he remembered, his shoulders slightly untensed. He wasn’t entirely comfortable

with Sirius just…being here. He was in recovery mode.

“Uh…hi, Sirius,” Remus mumbled, wrapping the white blanket around his shoulders. “How
long have you been there?”

Sirius waved a hand. “Like ten minutes, I just came from dinner. I brought you some stuff
from the kitchens cause you’re always stuffing your face after the moons, I noticed.” He
pointed to a china plate on a tray filled with an assortment of foods from the Great Hall.
“You don’t have to eat it, obviously, just thought…it’d be nice.”

Remus’ chest felt heavy all of a sudden. “Oh. I never asked you to do that,” he muttered with
a small smile.

“Don’t have to. Like I said, I wanna help you out. So, y’know. Eat up! If you’d like.”

He had dinner in the Hospital Wing that night, chatting away with Sirius who didn’t seem
remotely bothered to be spending time there. Remus forgot how caring Sirius is.

Or maybe Remus didn’t forget, but this is something of a new stage for Sirius.

Now, it’s lunch time and the boy in question is filled with jitters, his legs bouncing with
hands he can’t keep still.

James catches it first, raising an eyebrow and putting his fork down with a clink. “You
alright, mate?” He laughs, mouth half-full.

Sirius bites back a smile and nods, shuffling his own food around on his plate. But he says
nothing. It’s not like his other silences though, he doesn’t look sad.

The three of them stare at him until he hides himself in his goblet of juice, face going pink.
It’s kind of sweet, his ears do it too.

“It’s um…” Sirius mumbles, swirling the cup around in his hand. “It’s my…birthday today.”

James nearly jumps out of his skin. “What, you're kidding?!” He exclaims, muffled and
speaking around food.

“No, I’m thirteen today,” he smiles shyly. Remus doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything like it
on him.
“You should’ve told us earlier!” Peter whines. “We could’ve planned something.”

Sirius chuckles stiffly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, I just…forgot.”

“Happy birthday,” Remus says beaming. There’s no need to make him want to apologize, he
said it wasn’t a tradition in his family.

He didn’t get him a present though, which bothers him.

“Yeah, happy birthday!” James grins, patting him on the back. “I’m so getting you a cake.
And we’re doing the song.”

It might’ve been an attempt to make Sirius sheepish, but he just looks excited. “Really?

Peter shrugs. “Course, it’s all tradition.”

It’s quite an easy setup. James and Sirius have Flying class today, which gives time for him
and Peter to get everything together. James handed him a galleon to give to an elf to make a
cake. There’s nothing they can do with it, but he likes treating them with that sort of respect.

“So, are you going to make anything?” Peter asks on their way up from the kitchen, boxed
birthday cake in hand.

Remus hums in thought. “Like what?”

“Like your drawings from Christmas,” he says, walking up to the Fat Lady portrait and
mumbling the password. “Sirius put his back up, obviously he likes it.”

That was one of the first changes Remus noticed once they became friends again. The present
he’d given him is back up on his bed, crumpled but still intact. For a while, he assumed Sirius
had thrown it away. Something about him hanging onto it despite everything makes Remus
smile. Even during all of those hateful glares, there was his gift locked away and buried in
Sirius’ chest.

He shrugs. “Dunno, I don’t think I’ve got the time, we have to put everything together.”

“Oh, true. Well, that’s alright!” Peter smiles.

For the next thirty minutes, he and Peter reorganize the room for a mini celebration. They’re
not going overboard like they did for James since they don’t know how comfortable Sirius is
with a birthday extravaganza. If he ends up definitely looking for more, then next year they’ll
do more.

Remus smiles to himself, next year. He really doesn’t know how this ended up working out,
or how any of them forgave him. Going near mute for over a month really took a toll on him
mentally, and he hopes he never has to do that again. It’s almost annoying that this is the
work of Sirius, it keeps coming down to him.
He should give him something to show he’s grateful. Just figuring out what is the real
question. Sirius has wealth beyond anything Remus could ever imagine, surely a drawing
isn’t enough. He needs to go bigger.

———

“Sirius!” James calls, flying beside him and nudging his arm.

He spins his broom around to catch the mischievous glint in James’ eye. “Yeah?”

James just grins at him for a moment before leaning in to ask, “Wanna ditch?”

That’s the last question Sirius thought he’d ever hear from his friend’s mouth during Flying.
He looks around at everyone else mounted in the air. Since tryouts are a thing of the past, it’s
more of a free-for-all class where Hooch teaches different skills and such.

“Ditch? Like…just get down and leave?”

James scoffs a laugh. “No, we’re not getting down! What do you take me for? I wanna go
higher!”

Sirius nods slowly. “Ohh…you mean ditch.”

“Mhm…”

“Okay, bye!” Sirius exclaims, promptly shooting up towards the clouds and leaving James in
the dust. If he said anything, he can’t hear it. He’s long gone.

Or so he thought.

James comes barreling ahead like a rocket, practically scaring the pants off of him. He
shrieks then laughs from embarrassment and the feeling of the wind pelting his face.

“You’ve forgot, I’ve got Cleansweep Seven now, baby! I can fly laps around you! What
model is that?” James taunts, pointing down at him. “Hm?”

Sirius shrugs. “I don’t know! This is your special little interest, why don’t you—hey!”

James takes off again mid sentence, getting to an incredible height that makes him look like a
little speck from where Sirius is. Honestly, Sirius is quite glad he isn’t too afraid of heights.
With a lighthearted grumble, he chases after him, watching James do twists and twirls like
it’s nothing.

It’s impressive to a level Sirius believes is way beyond his age. He’s starting to get a bit edgy
just being up this high, they’re about halfway up the castle. Maybe a hundred meters. James
doesn’t seem to really regard it at all.
The sky is a darkening pink and purple, a sunset nearly finished and twilight nearly begun.
He slows himself to stare at it, it’s beautiful from up here.

James must notice it too, because he’s slowed enough that Sirius finally gets the chance to
catch up. James looks down at him and comes to a full stop, glancing out and slowly kicking
his feet in the air. Sirius reaches his side and looks out too.

They’re likely at the height of the fifth floor of the castle, Sirius has never been this high up
on a broom in his life. He reckons James hasn’t either from the occasional downward glances
he makes. They can see everything from up here.

The sun is warm, disappearing below the rolling hills and glimmering on the river
surrounding the castle. Leaves are just beginning to fall from the forest, but they’re tinted
with reds and oranges. It’s like a painting, one that would never be hung in his home.

“Y’know, Sirius,” James starts, voice a touch calmer. “This is actually my favorite time of
day.”

He could see why. A sunset suits James like a glove. It’s something to be stared at, a
spectacle of just how incredible the world can be. There are downsides to any other time,
perhaps too bright, too dark. This is perfect.

“How come?” Sirius asks anyway. He just wants to hear James talk about it, if he’s honest.

James sighs dreamfully, leaning back a bit on his broom handle. “I mean, how could it not
be? It’s so golden. Other than red, it’s my favorite color,” he smiles. “And time just sort of…
stops. You know?”

Sirius actually does feel it. The trip up here was exhilarating, but now sitting in near silence,
it’s like the clocks are frozen. They have all the time in the world.

“Yeah,” he replies. “My favorite was always when it’s dark out and you can see all the stars.”

“Of course it is,” James teases, nudging him with an elbow again. “Get to look at yourself.”

He chuckles. “I’d point out different stars to Regulus even though he knew them better than
me. I remember, I did that on my ninth birthday and he just wouldn’t give up on proving me
wrong. I still think that star was Sirius, there’s no way it was the North Star. I know what I
look like.” Sirius glances back out at the sun that’s only visible by a small sliver of gold.
“And you’re looking at yourself too, it’s no different.”

James furrows his brows at the setting star. “What d’you mean?”

“The sun,” he points. “That’s you.”

James takes in a deep breath, eyes softening at the scene before him. He swallows, maybe
unsure of what to say.

Sirius continues. “I mean it like…the plants would have a hard time growing if you weren’t
here.” The world would stop spinning, he thinks. He doesn’t say it.
“I don’t think I’ve got control over that.”

“Over what?”

James hesitates. “The plants.”

Things are silent for a moment, the sun finally slipping below the hills. James clears his
throat. “I’ve got an idea,” he says, abruptly changing the topic. Sirius glances over. “We fly
all the way to Gryffindor Tower and poke our heads in the window.”

“We’re not going down?” He asks. “You’ve got your first match tomorrow, maybe—“

“Sirius,” James says. “I half-threatened a professor and I didn’t even get a slap on the wrist. I
can do anything I want! Plus we can give ‘em a good fright, they’ll have no idea it’s coming.”

“Oh, you genius,” Sirius grins.

They start their journey up even higher, not so much racing this time, but still chasing and
laughing at each other the whole way. Now, maybe two hundred meters high, they find the
large window of their dormitory and float right on each side of it out of view.

James giggles, reaching out to the side to tap the glass. Sirius thinks he might be able to hear
shuffling, but it could also be his imagination. Nothing happens after a moment, so James
repeats the action and waits for something.

After a few seconds of silence, he hears the windows unlock and slide up.

“There’s no owl here, Remus,” Peter says. “Probably just the wind—“

“Peter!” James and Sirius shout, darting into view.

Peter shrieks loudly like a girl, falling back on his bum while the two of them burst into
laughter. Sirius is dangerously close to slipping off, so he balances himself on the windowsill.
Not too big on dying today.

Remus quickly comes into his line of sight with his jaw dropped. “How are you up here?!”

James does a full circle in the air, a grin stuck on his face. “Brooms, duh.”

“I know that,” Remus says. “But this is the seventh floor of a castle! Are you not worried
you’re gonna fall?”

“Nope,” Sirius lies.

“Okay, well I think you’ve put Peter in a permanent state of shock,” Remus mumbles,
tapping Peter with his foot who’s laying flat on his back and silently staring at the ceiling. He
pushes the window all the way open. “Just come in, this is so dangerous!”

Sirius laughs, putting his feet flat on the sill then jumping in alongside James. “Hardly
dangerous. Alright Peter, up you get, don’t be a— woah.”
He finally looks at the room, and it’s totally different. The rug has been strategically
recolored to look like a rainbow colored chess board, the beds are pushed further back, and
one of their bedside tables is being used to display a white box. On the walls, there are a
bunch of crayon drawings of balloons, which makes Sirius laugh. It’s so stupidly sweet it
makes his face feel hot.

“You’ve redecorated a bit,” Sirius smiles, turning back around at Remus pulling Peter back
up.

“Yes…well, it was meant to be more of a surprise,” Remus says. “You two surprised us at
your own party, isn’t that something?”

James ooh’s at the floor, taking in the sight of everything. “Super cool, did you do the floor
Remus?”

“Yeah, Peter did the balloons.”

“Oh, brilliant!”

The four of them huddle around the box in chairs they grabbed from their desks. Sirius sits
right at the center tapping his feet on the floor excitedly. He’s got the jitters, the birthday
celebration thing has never happened for him before.

Swiftly, James pulls off the top of the box, revealing a cute little white cake covered in
strawberry slices. It isn’t overly decorated or extravagant like Sirius thinks his family would
do if they did birthdays, but it’s perfect. It even says—written a bit poorly likely due to it
being done by house elves— ‘Happy Birthday, Sirius’ on top.

“You got me a strawberry shortcake?” He says, lips curling up into a smile.

Remus and Peter look a bit nervous, glancing at each other warily. “Do you like it?” Remus
asks.

“Of course I do! It’s so cute,” Sirius grins, leaning his head around it to get every angle.
“This is the best birthday cake I’ve ever had.”

None of them say that it’s the only birthday cake he’s ever had, but Sirius kind of wanted
them to make that joke. It would make him laugh, if not them.

James hums in thought, staring down at the cake. “We don’t have candles this time…so who
do we trust enough to light a fire with their wand…and not burn the room down?”

Everyone goes silent, collectively turning to Remus. His face goes red in that way it tends to
whenever he gets embarrassed, like when the word ‘yes’ tumbled from his mouth quicker
than he meant it to. “Wh—You lot can’t do it?” Remus protests, eyes wide.

“You trust me with fire? ” James asks loudly. “You trust—no offense, Peter— Peter with
fire?”
“Fine! I’ll do it!” He gives in, carefully pulling his wand out and giving it a slight flick with
the incantation. Sirius really hopes he doesn’t get his hair burnt off today.

A tiny flame flickers out at the tip of his wand and he tips it slightly towards his face.

“You better not burn my eyebrows off,” Sirius mutters. “These are good eyebrows.” He stares
down at the fire for a moment. “So I just blow it out?”

Peter nods happily. “Make a wish first, but don’t tell us, it spoils the wish!”

That’s a bit of a strange tradition. Is the fire magical? Is it going to grant him the wish? He
really has no idea, but in case it does, better make it count.

There are a lot of things he wants. Only recently did Remus come back in his life and bring
all four of them close again. His parents are further away than ever, but he doesn’t think their
eyes on him is what he needs. Despite this, they love him, he’s sure of it. Enough to not kick
him out for being in the wrong-but-right house, if that means anything. Sirius doesn’t think
they like him very much, though. He could wish for them to like him.

If this fire will grant his wish, would that make them forced to do these things? In that case,
he doesn’t like that. He’ll know it if they change, and it’ll be insincere. And with that line of
thinking…he doesn’t want to force Regulus to speak to him either.

So, Sirius closes his eyes and makes his wish.

I don’t want to be alone.

And he blows out the tiny flame, watching it dissipate into a streak of smoke.

The others start to cheer, singing that stupid birthday song—mainly led by James—to him.
He can feel his face going hot and he rubs the back of his neck with both hands.

“Oh, you lot are so…” Sirius mumbles, face now covered by his palms.

“Spectacular?” James grins. “The best friends ever?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

———

NOVEMBER 4, 1972

“Quidditch!” Sirius shouts from the stands, arms stretched up wide.

Remus rolls his eyes with a smile. “You look so dumb doing that.”
“Wh—I do not! Peter, do I look dumb?”

Peter half shrugs and forms a high pitched, “Meh?”

“Well, I dunno what that means,” Sirius says. “You two never went to any matches last year.
But you know who little Jamesie dragged onto these seats? Me! So, I’ve got experience, and I
can look as stupid as I like.”

Remus murmurs, “Well, doesn’t take too much effort.”

To his right is Lily with her friends, and she giggles at his comment.

They’re all up in the Gryffindor stands looking like red and gold has been thrown up on
them. He’s decked out in a big scarf with two tiny flags that have the lion symbol on them.
Sirius is in a similar getup, but with a nice family hat he made red instead of green.

It’s the first match of the year, Gryffindor against Slytherin, and there’s a huge turnout from
every house. Remus has never been to one of these before, sports aren’t exactly his thing.
He’s excited for James, though. That boy has been training like a madman since September.

“So,” Remus says, leaning towards Lily. “Didn’t know you went to Quidditch games.”

She gives him a look. “Well, it’s Frank and Eric’s first ever game. Alice did drag me a bit, but
I thought it’d be some fun.”

“…Might be missing someone there.”

“Mm, don’t think so,” Lily sasses.

Remus nudges her. “Aw, come on, it’s his first game too. Bet he’s nerve wracked, I mean,
he’s the youngest one on there. I don’t think there’s any second year Slytherin players.”

Lily makes a noise in disagreement. “Dunno about that. From what I’d expect from Potter,
he’s probably ecstatic about it. Ooh, look at me, I’m the youngest which means I’m the best!”

“Oh that’s mean, you’re not mean, Lily.”

“I am a bit.”

“No, you’re lovely—“

He’s loudly interrupted by the commentator up in their section. He looks up and finds Benjy
Fenwick, a third year student and one of Frank’s roommates. Remus has seen him around, but
honestly, he had no idea he had this job. With the kid’s heavy northern accent–nearing
Scottish–it can get jumbly sometimes. Benjy thanks everyone for coming to the game and
stirs up the crowds to start cheering for each team. The Gryffindor team gets the louder
cheers since they’ve got the majority of the houses on their side.

“Fantastic!” Benjy shouts, quieting the stands back down. “I want you all to get as loud as
you can, because here…comes… theee Gryffindors!”
Their stands erupt once more with applause, Sirius beside him hollering for James as he and
the team fly out below, tiny specks from where he is. Remus is so glad that isn’t him.

They get up into position, Remus getting a better view of James now. His glasses are
different, rounder and connected to his helmet. He’s never seen James in the uniform, it suits
him.

Afterwards, the Slytherins are brought out and position themselves on the opposite side of the
field. Madam Hooch walks to the center to first release the Snitch and two Bludgers, letting
them fly far off. The other Gryffindor Chaser, Colin Williams, hovers opposite the Slytherins
as they wait for the Quaffle toss. She blows her whistle, throws the ball up, and the game
begins. Williams snatches the Quaffle and shoots up out of the way of an impending Bludger.
He pauses then lugs it over to Eric, who’s making a steady line down the field to the goal.
Frank knocks a bludger out of his way, but the ball is intercepted by a Slytherin.

“This is one big back and forth, innit?” Benjy comments after not a single goal has been
made in three minutes. “Jones with the Quaffle, passes it to Potter who does a full three-sixty
around a Bludger, blimey a real showoff! Up and around Burke, who does not look pleased.
He shoots…and…he scores! Ten points for Gryffindor!”

“Yes, James!” Sirius shouts, right up on the edge of the stands jumping in place, Remus
watches him warily while cheering. James doesn’t hear him, of course, and flies off. He
really is brilliant though, making the first point in his first ever game.

The game continues on, the Slytherins soon gaining their first goal. They’re actually a fair
competition, the scores staying fairly even. It seems like everyone’s just waiting for their
favored team to snag the snitch and the win. Remus tracks Basil Goodwin, watching her dart
around the field dodging Bludgers and other players for that tiny gold ball. It’s impossible to
spot out other than the very rare glimmer it gets from the sun.

“Goodwin’s heading for the snitch, Parkinson blazing right behind her,” Benjy says. “Two
bolts of lightning, two seventh years with a long lasting rivalry, who will get the win in their
last ever game together…that’s the question. Longbottom on the offense, ready to hit a nasty
Bludger to Parkinson, let’s hope his aim is good!”

Frank redirects the Bludger, barreling it towards Parkinson’s broom. He zooms past, just
barely missing it and catching up with Goodwin.

“Ooh, almost got him! The Seekers are neck and neck while the Chasers cannot stop a back
and forth exchange. We’re at a near tie, 130 to Gryffindor and 120 to Slytherin. We’re all
depending on that snitch catch to end this never-ending tension!”

Suddenly, James is quite distracted, watching something dart around his head. Remus thinks
it must be the Snitch. It’s funny, he isn’t allowed to catch it, but here it is, zipping around him
like it's taunting him. Of course this also means the Seekers are coming straight towards him,
but James doesn’t look too fazed. Goodwin on his right, Parkinson on his left, the Snitch
staying weirdly right above his head.

“That’s…really weird,” Remus mutters to Lily, who’s also watching the scene unfold.
 Before she even gets the opportunity to respond, it all happens in one swift movement.
Parkinson tries to slam into him, Goodwin dives under, and James does a backwards
somersault. A somersault. He hits the Snitch down with the tail end of his broom, straight
into Goodwin’s outstretched hand.

“Blimey!” Benjy yells as the rest of the Gryffindor stands burst into whoops and cheers.
“With an impressive move from Goodwin and new player, James Potter, the snitch is
Gryffindor’s! Which means…the win goes to them as well! 280 to 120, a very entertaining
game and display of our new recruits’ skills.”

Sirius looks like he’s going to fall out of the stands, he’s screaming for James so loud. Remus
holds out an arm behind him just in case. “That’s my best friend!” Sirius shouts and points to
the field. James definitely can’t hear him above everyone else, but he looks over anyway with
an exhilarated grin and a big wave.

A bit after, the three of them wait outside the locker rooms for James. He hasn’t even
changed by the time he finally bursts out of the tent with a loud whoop.

“James, that was brilliant!” Peter says in awe.

They all get pulled into a brief group hug by the giddy boy. “I can’t believe I did that!” James
grins, physically unable to stand still. “I don’t even know why the Snitch was acting like that,
I don’t care! That was awesome. I didn’t think it would work, either, but me and Basil were
on the same train of thought. Lucky for us, because now I look really cool and everyone
besides the Slytherins will totally love me, suppose that’s not very new but–”

“James, you’re gonna burst a lung!” Remus laughs.

He exhales loudly, hands waving around. “No, I’m fine! Totally normal, just pulled off the
coolest move I’ve ever made. In front of everyone. No big deal.”

Sirius near cackles, latching onto James’ side. “There’s a party tonight now, isn’t there? Since
we won? Two parties in a row, I’m loving life right now.”

“Oh! Yes!” James gasps. “We have to go to Hogsmeade and get fun stuff!”

“Hogsmeade?” Frank pokes his head out of the cloth fully changed. “You lot can’t go to
Hogsmeade…” He comments, eyes narrowed.

James glances between the three of them. “No! Course not…I meant. If we could go, we’d
get fun stuff. Obviously. Frank, you got anything leftover from Honeydukes?”

------

Chapter End Notes

I love giving them a break, I think they earned it after all of that. The scene between
James and Sirius is one of my favorites I've written, ugh with all the hidden meanings
and things. I like looking back at this chapter now that I've written up to 41 like aww
they don't know. But yeah, cute little chapter, hope you enjoyed it! Leave comments if
you have any :)
 Second Year: King of Hogwarts
Chapter Summary

James has an ego trip.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.9k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 11, 1972

“I can’t take this anymore,” Alice mumbles.

“I know, this is dreadful,” says Dorcas.

The four of them are out in the Courtyard at Lily’s usual spot under the tree. It has lost its
leaves and there’s a bitter chill in the air, almost enough to make them go inside. Lily’s
wrapped up in a Gryffindor colored scarf and white gloves she holds onto her knees with. It
should be a peaceful afternoon.

Rapid footsteps lap around the outskirts of the drying grass until a muted thud is heard from
somewhere behind her. Then there’s laughing.

“That’s not fair, you totally cheated! You can’t trip me, I would’ve made it back first!” Sirius
complains, audibly wiping dirt off his clothes.

Potter scoffs in denial. “Nuh uh, I’m faster than you. You just tripped over your own feet, you
git!”

“Git?! Oh, I’ll show you git.”

Lily then hears a struggle, meaning they’re play-fighting again, and groans loudly. “Can’t
they do this anywhere else? They’ve been at this for twenty minutes now.”

“We could always just move,” Mary suggests, teeth chattering. “I get cold real easily. Are
you lot not cold?”
Dorcas shrugs. “Not really. And I refuse to move because a couple of boys wanna be stupid.”

“I don’t think Potter has ever been this annoying before,” Lily mutters, which is saying a lot .
“It’s because of that stupid move he made during the game, he’s been on a high from it for
over a month.”

“Mary and I played exploding snap with him last term, he was quite chilled out back then,”
Dorcas says, pulling on her curls. “Now it’s like…permanent dancing spell.”

Lily overhears more cackling from across the field and sighs. She glances at Mary, who’s
rubbing her bare hands together to generate heat. Silently, she pulls off her own gloves and
hands them over.

“Thanks,” Mary mumbles, pulling them on.

Alice curls her knees closer to her chest and pulls her knitted hat down over her bangs. It is a
bit cold, really. “So, any plans for the holidays?” She asks.

“Mm, yeah,” Dorcas smiles. “I’m gonna get my hair redone.”

“Ooh,” Mary says. “Braids again? They looked lovely after the summer.”

“Nah. Might switch it up a little, haven’t decided yet. But my mum does it, and she’s
brilliant. Really, I’m gonna learn how to do things from her so I can do some styles myself.”
She gasps suddenly. “Oh! Mary, you could come over! My mum would love to do yours as
well.”

Mary smiles shyly, playing with the gloves Lily gave her. “Really? I don’t really do other
styles, but…could I come over anyway? See how I feel?”

“Yes! Definitely,” Dorcas grins. “I just gotta find a way to get floo powder to you…maybe by
owl? Is that weird?”

Lily doesn’t know why she’s never thought about that before. Hanging out with her friends
outside of school. The only non-muggle she’s ever seen while at home is Severus, but floo
powder. That changes everything.

“Dorcas, you’re a genius!” Lily exclaims. “Get our hands on some floo powder, and we can
all hang out outside school. We could see a film!”

“Oh, I love that, I don’t even know what’s out right now,” Mary says, even more excited.
“Alice, you ever been to the cinema? Pureish wizard and all.”

Alice shrugs. “Not really?”

“Not really?!”

Dorcas laughs. “Well we’ve got to see a movie now. Boxing day?”

“Totally,” Lily says.

As their laughter dies down a bit, Alice and Dorcas go wide eyed and almost begin to back
away when—

“Hello, Evans!” Potter calls, plopping himself down beside her. Lily nearly jumps out of her
skin and onto Mary from him.

She groans, hardly giving him a once over. He’s a bit bundled up like she is, but his hair lacks
a hat. It might be because of this new thing he does where he messes it all up on purpose,
making it stick out in unruly angles. For the life of her, she can’t figure out why he would
willingly do that.

“What do you want?” She says. “Where’d Sirius go?”

Potter waves her off. “He’s a big cold wimp, went inside to warm up. I’m not cold though, so
here I am.”

“Lovely. Come to annoy us then?”

“No, not them,” he says, pointing to the other three. “Just you.”

Lily laughs bitterly. “That’s flattering. How bored are you, Potter? No Severus to make
miserable today?”

“Well…” James starts, scratching behind his ear. “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. And
I don’t make him miserable, it’s all in good fun.”

“You hate him.”

“He hates me. I don’t hate Snivellus, he’s just weird. Fun to poke at. And he also flung me
into a tree.”

“No way you’re still going on about that!”

James’ voice goes high pitched. “I could’ve got a concussion! Ladies, she ever tell you about
the time she totally slapped me?”

Oh, no he did not. Lily’s jaw drops as the others’ eyes bulge.

“No…” Alice drags, narrowing her eyes at her. “Lily…when was that?”

“Wh—it was—“ Lily stutters. “It was in June, but he was being a prat! Same as ever, but
somehow worse. And it’s not like you learned your lesson either, considering you still treat
him like garbage.”

James makes a little talking gesture with his thumb and four fingers while Lily speaks. “Blah
blah blah, I do not.”

“You tried to do a bat-bogey hex on him the other day. A bad one.”
He giggles, reminiscing like it’s funny as if Severus didn’t need the Hospital Wing
afterwards. “To be fair, it was a bit out of my skill level.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

He shrugs. “Thought it’d be funny.”

Lily rolls her eyes, pushing herself up to her feet. “You’ve gotta fix that ego of yours, it’s out
of control. Dunno how Remus even stands you. I’m off. Anyone coming with?”

Mary, Dorcas, and Alice all get up as well, getting to her side as they walk back indoors.

“Did you really slap him?” Mary asks, biting back a giggle.

“Oh my god.”

The next day in Potions, she scratches her quill along her paper, copying down the recipe for
a fire protection potion. Severus is at her side doing the same, and she’s quite glad the two
houses are sharing this class again. It’s really the only time they get to speak lately despite
there being nothing between them right now.

When she’d been in detention with those four and they told her Mulciber had done it on
purpose, she actually found herself less upset with Severus. Mulciber lied to him because
she’s his friend, making Mulciber even worse and putting Severus in a better position.
Initially, Lily was stuck between two possible realities. Either Severus knew what happened
and lied to her so the case would be dropped, or he didn’t know and was telling what he
thought was the truth. But Severus is very sincere and blunt about what’s real and isn’t, he
wouldn’t lie to her. She’s sure of that.

Their reconnecting would be made easier if it weren’t for the annoyance behind them.

It’s like he’s forgotten the world doesn’t revolve around him and now it’s everyone’s
problem. Sirius is no help, but rather an encouragement.

Professor Slughorn has given them two a fair amount of detentions for their disruptiveness,
but it just bounces off of them. Any hopes of regaining the points they lost from Donahue’s
class are completely soiled, and Lily expects to never win the House Cup so long as James
Potter is here.

“Pst, Snivellus!” Potter hisses from behind.

Lily’s quill slows to a stop, an eye roll prepared for him, but Severus doesn’t regard him, so
she doesn’t either.

“It’s a real question about potions, I swear,” he giggles.

Severus shuts his eyes for a moment before going back to writing notes.
Potter scoffs. “Well, just wanted to know. Would the fire protection potion still work on you
with all the grease on your head?” He and Sirius snicker at the ridiculously stupid comment.

Lily looks back in frustration. “Will you shut it, Potter? You’re not funny.”

“Hey, Evans,” Potter grins. “And I was serious! Sirius don’t even—Can I not ask questions?”

“You know what you’re doing,” Lily whispers, eyes shooting daggers. “Cut it out.”

Severus nudges her with his elbow and mutters in her ear, “He’s an excitable dog. Give him a
treat and he’ll come back for more. Ignore him and he’ll starve. Ignore him, Lily.”

“Ooh, are we secret telling?”

Lily doesn’t give him another glance and turns back to the front, finding that she’s
completely off track. The demonstration is nearly finished and she only has the first few steps
in. Thanks a lot, she thinks.

James Potter is an incredibly odd person to her with all of his inconsistencies. He makes no
sense.

A few weeks ago, Lily thought he’d changed when he stood up to Professor Donahue. He
seemed mature in a way she’s never seen before.

At some point, she’d been under the assumption that Potter didn’t care about anything but
Quidditch, and it seems that she’s been proven right. He goes on loudly boasting about his
tricks he does in practices and wears popularity like a second skin. To Lily, every kind act
he’s ever done means nothing the moment he falls back into the same habits. It’s hardly even
a cycle, just like a touch of humanity shining through for one clear moment that she finds
intriguing. And then it’s gone. Snowed over by layers of…whatever this is.

Severus is clearly miserable by it, he’s become quite reclusive—more than before—and his
dislike for Potter has turned to hatred. Lily doesn’t think she hates anybody, but she can
understand why he would.

Dealing with what he does at home then coming to school to get poked at by ego-high Potter
will make anyone go sour.

Well, she’s already lost in the lesson. Lily doodles a smiling face with her quill and pushes
her scroll over to Severus. He glances down at it and a slight smirk flickers over his features.
He leans over and sketches a messy flower, even bothering to put a wiggly line for a stem.

It’s a bit like the flower he gave her when showing her magic all that time ago. He hasn’t
really changed much after all.

“How do you deal with him?” Lily asks casually, lying on her stomach with a book open on
the rug.
Remus hums in question, not bothering to peek up from his. It’s been a couple days since that
Potions lesson that only reaffirmed her dislike for the boy.

“Potter. He’s a total nuisance lately,” she says.

He looks up at that. “I wouldn’t say—“

“Oh, come on, Remus,” Lily interrupts. “You can't defend him all the time.”

Remus frowns. “He’s my friend.”

She scoffs lightly, giving an incredulous look. “And? Doesn’t mean you can’t tell him off.
Put him back in his right mind.” Lily eyes Remus, noticing the stiffness in his shoulders as
she just spoke. “But you won’t, will you?”

Remus sits up, she follows suit. “He’s a good person, Lily. It’s just some dumb phase, it’ll
pass. I know he’s good.”

“Does he…know?”

It takes Remus a moment to understand what she meant by that.

“No.”

“Then how do you know that?”

He picks at a loose string in the rug and avoids her gaze while admitting, “I almost told him.
While I was apologizing for hurting his feelings, I nearly told him on purpose. Held back, of
course. But the fact that I almost did it...I’ve never willingly told anyone—nor wanted to. I
just think…I mean—doesn’t that mean something?”

Lily isn’t sure, it’s not like she’s in his head. Does it mean anything?

One thing she’s slightly surprised by, for some reason, is the fact that Potter’s feelings were
hurt. It makes sense, he is a human being after all. But Lily’s only ever seen him happy and—
very rarely—angry. Never hurt. That’s weird, so she stops thinking on it.

“Well, if you really think he’d be good about it, you could tell him. He’s definitely…
opinionated, so I guess that counts for something,” Lily says. “I mean, if Sirius Black, son of
whomever from his pureblood family doesn’t care, then would Potter?”

Remus shrugs. “Maybe not. But I’d feel bad not telling Peter, then. I don’t want to leave him
out, but I don’t know what he thinks. He doesn’t give opinions on anything, really,” he admits
with an eyebrow raise. “Not a bad thing, I suppose. Less arguments and whatnot.” He pauses
for a moment, pursing his lips in thought. “I think he’d follow however James reacts,
honestly.”

This isn’t exactly the conversation Lily had expected when bringing up Potter’s behavior, as
if Remus did it on purpose.
“You’re gonna do it then?” She questions.

“…I’ll think on it,” Remus says. “It’s just…the more people that know, it’s difficult. I don’t
want anyone to slip up, you and Sirius have been marvelous. James is a chatterbox and Peter
sometimes just says the wrong thing. But also…” He sighs. “James isn’t stupid. He wouldn’t
just blurt it all out.”

“You think that boy has a filter?”

Remus’ eyebrows make a slight crease between them from Lily’s comments. “He does.
James talks a lot, but he isn’t dumb. He’s smarter than I am.”

Lily scoffs a laugh. “Oh, come on, that’s ridiculous.”

Potter, smarter than Remus? Load of bollocks, really.

“It’s true. I just like reading, he doesn’t.”

The conversation is left at that, letting a silence fall between them for a few minutes. She
doesn’t want to argue, especially not with Remus and his obvious insecurities. So instead,
Lily goes for something else.

She says, “There’s a moon the day before holidays, are you still able to go home?”

Remus nods slowly, focus mainly put back into his book. “Miss my parents. Mum
especially.”

Weirdly enough, Lily doesn’t think about her parents all that much. They’ve been distant for
a bit, perhaps Petunia has influenced them. The only thing she’s excited for during the
holidays are her new boxing day plans with her girls.

Her mum and dad love her, obviously. It just seems like they think she’s all grown up and can
go wherever and do whatever at the age of twelve. Perhaps other people wouldn’t complain
about this, and she’s not complaining per se, she just wishes they still liked being involved
even with her being so different. They hardly know about her friends, and the items she’d
planned to show them last year stayed in the box she brought them in.

“Yeah, me too,” she mumbles. Remus doesn’t seem to catch that they meant it quite
differently.

———

DECEMBER 21, 1972

“All aboard!” James sing-songs with Tally’s cage in one hand and a big bag in the other.

He climbs into the Hogwarts Express with Peter and Sirius in tow and a grin on his face. The
train is currently fairly empty because Sirius insisted on getting in very early so he can grab
Remus’ things. James thinks it’s a bit insane to go all the way back when Remus could just
get it himself, but he isn’t here yet. He’s out visiting his mum again, which doesn’t really
make sense.

James is very sure something is up, but he won’t pry. If Remus wants to tell them his mum is
sick, then his mum is sick.

He drops his luggage down and gets Tally nice and tidy on the floor beside his seat. They
reserved the compartment they’ve been sitting in since the first day, so it’s become a bit like
the unofficial official section for them.

Peter gets his belongings next to James and Sirius then puts his bag into the booth across.
With a huff, Sirius says, “Alright, I’ll be back in like—twenty!”

He mad dashes out of the train, bolting back to the castle and out of sight.

James chuckles before plopping himself down with a loud sigh. “You ready, Pete? I’ve got a
plan for when the train starts going.”

He doesn’t actually, but he’s going to come up with one in the next half hour. James has a
plan for a plan.

“You’re gonna make it a surprise aren’t you?” Peter says.

“Yeah, totally,” James smiles. “It’s gonna be fun like last year. Promise.”

Peter hums, eyes darting to Sirius’ temporarily abandoned items. “What d’you think’s going
on with them?”

He furrows his brows in confusion. “Is there something going on? Aren’t they resolved?”

“Yes, but…I mean, doesn’t it feel like they’re…hiding things?”

Absolutely. He really does try not to think about it and pry, but he also can’t help the touch of
jealousy he gets. James knows Remus, but he doesn’t know Remus like Sirius knows Remus.
That’s perfectly obvious considering Sirius doesn’t question anything he does anymore, like
Remus ‘going home’ right before the holidays without his things then coming back to
Hogwarts just to go home again.

Okay, it’s not jealousy. James doesn’t get jealous, especially because of his best friend. He
doesn’t know what the word is or how to describe it.

He denies Peter’s claims anyway despite everything he just went over in his head. “Nah, not
really. Best not to be um…nosy. I guess,” he says. James clears his throat. “Anyway, you
think you’re gonna get any cool presents this year?”
He and Peter talk all about their holiday plans until Sirius and Remus turn up. Like how
Peter’s mum is going to be busy most of break but managed to get Christmas day off to
celebrate. His dad’s free almost the whole break, so his little sister will be accounted for.

James doesn’t have to worry about that sort of thing, his dad’s basically set them for life with
Sleekeasy’s. He’s got the occasional meeting for business things he doesn’t understand, but
he doesn’t really have to work, so neither does his mum. James would hate it if his house was
missing a person on the holidays, there’s only three of them, so it would be pretty apparent if
one wasn’t there.

People are starting to get the idea that this is their compartment, so others walk by and don’t
even ask. Eventually the door does slide open to Sirius holding a couple bags with a sleepy
Remus at his side. He gets up on the booth to slide the items up top then drops back down.

“Alright!” He exclaims, putting his hands together and falling into his seat. “This is fun,
don’t think we’ve ever all been in a train compartment at the same time.”

“Oh yeah,” James muses. “First time around Peter wasn’t here, then—well. It’s jolly good
we’re all here now! I’ve got a plan.”

He’d actually thought of it while speaking to Peter, thankfully. The ice floor had everyone
slipping around, so James wants to take it up a notch. After explaining the entire crazy idea to
the other three, Remus speaks up.

“I think I’ll sit this one out,” he mumbles slumped in his booth.

James whines, “Aw, come on, Remus! It’s not mean and we won’t get in trouble for it. It’s a
fun one!”

“I know,” he says. “I’m just a bit tired, I’ll have fun watching you lot do it.”

He gives in easily, Remus does look out of it. It just leaves him to scramble with the extra
space of the train they’ll have to compensate for.

“Alright, I’ll be back in a sec, I’m gonna grab Frank and Eric,” James says, darting out of the
room to look for where they’re at. He’s sure they’ll want to join in like last year, it was loads
of fun! A smile forces its way onto his cheeks as he struts along the hallway of the train.

Peeking into each little window, he finds Lily with her group plus Marlene McKinnon and
Cynthia Night. He’s bothered her enough lately, but he lingers for a moment anyway. She
looks like she’s telling a funny story, hands gesturing around while the others listen intently
and occasionally giggle.

He moves on further down, many spaces away finding Regulus across two blonde kids.
Maybe the Rosier twins, but Regulus doesn’t seem pleased by their presence.

His cold eyes catch James’ and he nearly ducks away in embarrassment. Ah, screw it. He
smiles and waves a bit instead, making Regulus quickly blink away and turn his head to look
out the window.
Okay, whatever.

Eventually, he does find Frank and Eric with a few other students on the team. James quickly
convinces them to join in, of course he does. He’s good like that.

He really hopes this works and that they all actually know how to do the spell he’s lined up.
James hasn’t tried the second, but it’ll probably be fine. Hopefully.

Now, on his own in a section of the train, James points his wand up to the ceiling, first letting
crackling purple sparks shoot out from the tip. The train’s hallway flashes a vibrant purple, a
wide grin stretching on his face as he watches it. Get the attention first.

People are very easy to predict, because they start to poke their heads out of their doors to
watch James do little spins with the purple light.

“I have an announcement!” James shouts, spreading his arms out wide. “I just need everyone
right out here.” He points his sparkling wand out in front of him.

Once there’s enough of a crowd, James hopes and prays that he can pull this off. He mumbles
a feather-light charm vaguely in their direction, watching a burst of energy come from his
wand and hit exactly the way he intended it to. Before anyone can truly realize what’s
happened, he performs it on himself then directs his wand to the floor.

“Spongify!”

The panels beneath him go soft and…well…spongey. Like a bouncy castle. Just as he
planned.

“All of you jump, right now!” James commands with a smile glued to his face.

A couple students glance at each other and some actually listen, pushing off the ground and
landing back on their feet—sort of. The floor functions almost like a trampoline, letting them
lightly bounce around like they’re in space.

He giggles watching everyone catch on and start to jump around, then runs away on the soft
floor, leaving them to it. James runs back to their section—assigned to Sirius—and his clearly
worked too.

“They’ve done it again!” Dorcas cheers, grabbing Mary and Alice by the hands and bouncing
around with them. “Makes up for the rest of the month!”

“Oh, what’s that mean?” James says slyly, fully aware of what it means. It’s not his fault he’s
so good at everything.

Sirius leaps up and catches onto his shoulders, which would typically drag a person down,
but not today. He just slowly floats down like a feather. “This is brilliant! Entirely his idea,”
Sirius acknowledges with a quirk of the head at him.

“I’m amazing, aren’t I?” James glances around at all the others around him, getting up on his
toes to find a certain someone. “Where is she?”
“Who? Lily?” Mary asks. James nods. “In the booth trying really hard to convince herself she
doesn’t like it.”

A few spots away, Marlene is pulling Lily out by the wrist with a cackle as she protests in
annoyance. “Come on, Lily, it’s fun!”

“No way, I’m not—Marlene! Cynthia, do something!”

“But it’s like a bouncy castle,” she says, letting herself bob up and down. “I love it!”

James springs himself over to her, nearly tumbling over from the unnatural lightness of his
own body. “And hello, Evans!”

She makes a noise in disbelief, hands coming up into her hair. “Oh my god, it just gets
worse.”

“What’s wrong? These two have the right idea,” he smiles, pointing a thumb at Marlene and
Cynthia.

Marlene stands upright, giving him a once over. “Y’know, we haven’t really met properly
despite…everything. Marlene McKinnon, big fan of your work,” she exaggeratedly shakes
his hand with both of hers. “I actually do love the feather-light charm, though, it’s one of my
favorites.”

“Yeah, you got full marks on our final, I remember.”

She nods with pride. “Mhm…should’ve asked me to help, I could’ve made everyone float.”

James mentally notes that. “I’ll keep that in mind…”

Lily scoffs. “Don’t cooperate with him! You’re better than that.”

Marlene snorts. “Not a chance. The blue tie means nothing, I’m very up for fun. Also, Potter.
Can’t wait to kick your arse in Quidditch when you play us.”

“You’re on the team?” James exclaims, eyebrows coming up high.

“Yep. Beater.”

Of course she is, James could guess that from a mile away. She was also incredible in their
practice game in Flying. “Well, in that case, I can’t wait to dodge every damn Bludger you
send at me.”

He leaves them at that, turning back and seeing Sirius, Remus, and Peter having fun near
their compartment. James smiles at Remus’ partial participation, which mainly consists of
watching the two ricochet around the place with a smile. Occasionally he’ll rub at a joint or
stretch himself out.
While he doesn’t think he’ll ever outdo the ice skating idea, he’s having so much fun with
this one. The others are too, but of course…some of the Prefects eventually butt in and put
everything back to normal. The floor goes first, but afterwards it gets a bit funny considering
they have to undo hundreds of feather-light charms.

“I forgot how heavy we are,” Sirius comments, now back in their booth and munching on a
jelly slug. “I think life would be way more fun if we were all super light all the time.”

Peter chuckles. “Bones are too heavy, it’s holding us back. I think being a bird would be quite
fun.”

“Well,” James starts. “Maybe next time we can learn how to make people float. We were
like…halfway there!”

They chat away the rest of the ride about holiday plans and such, even Sirius joining in to
talk about a dumb family gathering he’s likely going to be at. Remus has been fairly quiet,
but he mentions his excitement to celebrate with his mum and dad this year.

James has wondered why he didn’t last time considering he seems to have a good relationship
with them. Not to—once again—mention how he is going back and forth all the time. Or so
he says.

The train comes to a stop. Sirius tugs his red tie off and stuff it in his pocket before grabbing
his and Remus’ things. James looks out the window and sees Sirius’ mother talking to a
young blonde man, maybe between eighteen and twenty-one. They’re garbed in all black
expensive robes which makes them stand out in the crowd of color.

“Who’s that?” He asks, pointing at the man.

Sirius pauses gathering his things and looks out, groaning at the sight. “Lucius Malfoy. My
cousin’s boyfriend, which probably means they’re coming home with us. Just my luck.”

“Why?” Peter says. “Are they annoying?”

“Narcissa on her own is tolerable, but put her next to Malfoy and she becomes a lovesick
moron,” Sirius mutters, throwing his bag over his shoulder and getting to his feet. “They’re
getting married after she leaves Hogwarts, it’s tradition. My other cousin, Bellatrix, did the
same.”

Remus is in the middle of getting ahold of his bags but pauses. “Do you have to do that?”

Sirius goes quiet for a moment, pursing his lips in thought. “Dunno. Don’t think I want to,
but…guess I’ll see in the future.”

It’s an odd topic of conversation James almost regrets bringing up, so he clears his throat and
says, “Well, I’ll miss you lot, write tons of letters, Tally’s getting big and strong now.” They
start to shuffle out behind everyone else.

“Definitely!” Peter exclaims. “Tell us if you get any cool presents!”

 “Will do,” he smirks, hopping off the train and looking around for his parents. “See you in a
couple weeks!”

He looks back to find Sirius already heading out with his mum, Regulus, Lucius, and an extra
blonde girl holding his hand. Must be Narcissa.

“James!” He hears his dad’s voice call from somewhere behind him.

He spins and is suddenly engulfed in a big warm embrace he happily returns.

“Dad!” He exclaims, slightly muffled in his chest.

Fleamont pulls back, patting him around the shoulders. “Oh, you’ve gotten taller!”

James glances at his feet. “I have?”

“Definitely,” he says, eyeing him up and down like an examination. “I’d say…five-four?”

James does a little head bobble with a giggle. “Brilliant, where’s mum?”

His dad plucks Tally’s cage from his hand and wraps the other arm around James’ shoulders.
“Decorating, she wanted to go all out this year. I’ve been helping, but you should see what
she’s done. It’s a bit more muggle, inspired by this magazine so we’ve got a tree and all these
lights—you’re gonna love it.”

“Cool! Oh, dad you gotta hear about what I just pulled off on the train, you won’t believe it!”

———

Chapter End Notes

Another sort of kind of fun one! I like to pepper in the fact that James is kind of a dick
sometimes even though I love him very much.

Btw!!!
The next two chapters shift the tone of the story a touch (especially 26). I just wanna put
a little disclaimer perhaps considering after this there’s an introduction of more heavy
topics (not 24/7, just more present overall).

Hope you enjoyed this one though! Leave comments if you have any :)
 Second Year: Holiday Breaking
Chapter Summary

Well, at least some of you are having a good time.

Chapter Notes

I don’t believe a cw is needed for this one but I will say Remus’ povs are heavier than
the others.

Words: 5.3k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 22, 1972

The first thing Remus did when he came back home was sleep, naturally. His bones were
quite achy and his parents could both see that, so he pretty much collapsed into bed the
second he walked through the door.

He feels better now that it’s the first full day of the break, refreshed and up on his feet.
Yesterday was a real struggle, Sirius had been asking him every few steps on the way to the
train if he needed more help — despite the fact that he was already carrying his belongings.
He should get him something as a thank you.

It wasn’t a bad moon, he’d only suffered a couple injuries, he’s just not used to being up and
about during his recovery period.

Remus walks out of his bedroom with a yawn and stretch, plopping himself down at the
dining room table.

“Morning, Remus,” Lyall mumbles into a cup of coffee, newspaper occupying his vision.
Something about an attack. Remus tries not to look at it. “You really knocked yourself out
last night,” he chuckles.

He smiles shyly. “Yeah, sorry. Didn’t get much time to rest after the moon.”

“Oh, don’t make him apologize,” his mum turns the corner, voice strangely raspy. Her blonde
hair is rolled up in curlers. “We’re happy you’re home this year, love. What’d you want for
breakfast?”

“Hm…do we have anything for french toast?”

Lyall folds and places the paper down. “Think we’re out of bread. I can head down to the
shops later and grab some.”

Remus frowns a bit, Hope always does the shopping. “Maybe pancakes?”

She lights up, beaming down at him. “Sounds perfect, I’ll—“

“Ah, you don’t have to,” his dad is up on his feet, passing her by. “I can get that done—“

“Sweetheart,” she says very pointedly, side glancing at Remus. “I’ve got it. You’ve got work
soon, you should get dressed.”

Lyall hesitates before finally nodding and stepping back to ruffle Remus’ hair. “Someone’s
getting a haircut after Christmas,” he jokes, heading back to the main bedroom.

The whole exchange has left Remus fairly taken aback. His parents almost always do very
specific things, his dad doing money work and his mum doing the housework. It’s always
been a bit lopsided on Hope’s side considering her son is a Werewolf, but Lyall contributes
with the potions to keep Remus healthy. So either he’s realized she’s got a lot on her plate, or
something is up.

“Is everything all right?” He asks from across the room, Hope’s busy measuring flour.

She turns her head back. “Yes, baby.”

That’s not exactly the in-depth explanation he wanted or expected. His mum tends to
overthink and over explain things.

“What, Dad’s just in a good mood or something?”

Hope laughs, the chuckles quickly turning into a rough cough that she covers with her elbow
before getting back to work. “If that’s what you’d like to call it.”

Remus twiddles his thumbs and purses his lips. “Well, um. Are you okay? You sound like
you’ve got a cold.”

She pauses, egg in hand with her back turned to him. “…Yes, something like that. Not
contagious, though, so don’t worry about the pancakes. They will be A-okay,” she mumbles,
cracking it into the bowl.

He doesn’t think his first thought was about the state of his pancakes. “Has it been there for a
while? I sort of remember you had a bit of a thing during the summer. Same sick or different
sick?”

“Uh…probably different,” she says absentmindedly, mixing the ingredients together. “It’s
nothing to worry about, don’t get yourself in a tizzy. It’s winter, cold season, love.”
Remus nods, pushing it to the back of his mind for now. She’s probably right anyway.

———

DECEMBER 24, 1972

His black dress shirt is buttoned up like second nature, done swiftly and without fumbling
before reaching down to tuck it into his pants. Regulus brushes his curls back, but they’re
having a harder time staying in place. He’d ask for Sleekeasy’s if only it wasn’t a Potter made
product his parents would sooner hack their hands off than touch.

That boy has become a special kind of annoyance, constantly running around making a
spectacle of himself. Not to mention waving to him on the train like they were acquainted
then turning it into a play zone. He’s so childish it makes Regulus’ stomach churn with
revulsion.

He glances down at the sleek black fabric on his desk, grasping it and wrapping it around his
neck. Regulus pauses, letting it just hang there as he tries to recall how to make a bow tie
from what Sirius always used to do. He does regular ties every day, it can’t be so different.

Tongue in cheek, he tries a combination of twists and knots until it’s clear it isn’t going to
work and undoes it. He ties it like a shoelace, but it turns out floppy. Three more goes and
frustration begins to bubble in his guts.

He pulls it apart again and rips the fabric off his neck, clutching the now wrinkling material.
How essential is the type of necktie for a cross-family gathering? Very.

“Need any help?” Sirius asks, suddenly standing in his door he must have foolishly left open.
He’s dressed similarly, but in a white shirt and perfectly made black bow. His hair is grown
out but falls in an effortless way unlike his own. For once, Sirius looks normal. The way he
would if he really cared enough about what the family stands for. If he’d been sorted
correctly.

Regulus can almost pretend nothing has come between them.

He wrinkles his nose, turning back to the mirror. “I can tie a bow,” he mumbles, pulling the
material around his neck to go at it again.

“Yeah? Go on then.”

With thinned lips, Regulus folds one of the ends over the other, wraps it around, tucks it
under, pulls, and ends with a mess. He scoffs in frustration, pulling it off again and throwing
it onto his desk. “Forget the bow, I’ll just wear a tie.”
“Dress code said bow,” Sirius remarks, entering the room and getting a hand on the fabric.

Regulus steps back. “And you’re wearing a white shirt, what’s the big deal?”

“We were told formal, everyone here just really likes the color black,” he says. “Just come
here, I’ll do it.”

He huffs, avoiding his gaze as he reluctantly moves closer so Sirius can tie the stupid bow.
They’ve been in this same situation so many times in their life, it all blends together into one
moment. He feels like a kid.

“You’ve always done this,” he mumbles while his brother works quickly. There’s a lump in
his throat. “Who taught you anyway?”

“Orion.”

“Hm,” he hums, not lingering on why his father would have taught Sirius and not him.

Sirius finishes, tying it into the perfect shape and taking a step back. “There we go, not too
tight is it?”

Regulus tilts his head, feeling the fabric too close around his neck. “No, it’s fine.”

“Good,” his brother says quietly. There’s a silence that sits between them and Regulus isn’t
going to be the one to end it. “You think anything fun will happen tonight?”

He pulls on his long suit jacket, everything tailored perfectly for his frame. “Malfoy will
propose to Narcissa. Make the night about him.”

“Mm…I think you’re right,” Sirius agrees. “It’s what we do best, after all.” Regulus’ lips
twitch a faint smile. “Is school good?”

Now he reminds Regulus of their relatives who only hear from them through rumors.
Regulus rolls his eyes. “It’s fine.”

“Any friends?”

“…Seriously?”

Sirius shrugs. “Genuine question, I hardly see you.”

Yes, that was on purpose. He can hardly believe he’s standing here talking with Sirius so
casually at all. The last they spoke was when he was with the red-haired mudblood. The
argument seems to have left zero lasting impressions on Sirius.

“There’s this girl. She’s fine…I guess,” he mutters.

Sirius smiles at him. “Really? Who?”

“Rosier. I’m unfortunately sharing a room with her annoying brother who wants to be my
friend,” Regulus spills, falling easily into gossip. “I’ve told him no, that just because we’re
cousins by some degree doesn’t mean a thing. Him and the smaller Crouch are relentless.
Like flies.”

“Flies?” Sirius laughs. “What about your other roommate?”

Regulus makes a face. “Carrow. Quiet, broody—“

“Sounds like you.”

He shoots Sirius a glare. “I don’t like him either.”

“Okay…” he says lightly. “What’s different about the girl?”

Regulus shrugs, reaching down to pull his dress shoes on. “She’s nice, sort of.”

“That’s it?”

No, of course that isn’t it. Regulus is not about to go and tell him what really happened that
day in the library.

“Yeah. See you at the party,” he mutters, moving past Sirius to head downstairs.

———

DECEMBER 25, 1972

“Happy Christmas, Jamie,” is the first thing he faintly hears whispered in the morning. He
makes a noise in his throat and squints an eye open in confusion, finding his mum and dad at
the edge of his bed.

“Wh…happy—oh!” James shoots up to a seated position. “Happy Christmas!”

They giggle, ushering him out of bed and past his bedroom door with a new height marking
on it. He really did grow, by the way.

He’s led down the winding staircase to the spacious foyer where his mum’s put the tree up.
She really did go all out, decorating nearly every nook and cranny in Christmas items she
found in catalogs. The railing along the stairs is wrapped in lights powered by magic since it
isn’t like they have the muggle stuff. Whatever it is that lights them up, they don’t have it.
This is way cooler to James anyway.
Below the tree is a heap of presents wrapped up all prettily in warmly colored paper and
bows. James squeals, turning back around and hugging both of his parents at once before
jumping the rest of the way down the stairs.

“This is so cool!” He exclaims, bouncing around on the balls of his feet.

“Bit extra this year since you’ve done so well so far,” Effie says lovingly.

His dad pats James on the back. “I’ve got a big surprise for you at the end too, you’re gonna
love it.”

James gets all jittery at that, crouching down to pick up the first gift. It’s a rather tall box
compared to the others.

“Wait!” His mum yelps. She exits the room then comes back with a camera and holds up to
her eye.

“Oh, mum,” he whines, mussing up his hair. “I just woke up, I’m not picture ready.”

“Just open the present, silly,” she says.

James rolls his eyes lightheartedly and begins peeling the paper back to reveal a box full of
rolled up paper posters. He pulls one out and unrolls it, it’s a moving picture of one of his
favorite Quidditch players, Theodore Fog. He gasps, gathering the three other posters in the
box and seeing they all have different players from the Chudley Cannons on them.

“Thank youu!” James grins, rolling the posters back up and putting them away. “Love that,
what’s next?”

He gets through every single present, candy, Quidditch themed everything, new shoes, robes,
and eventually, the final gift. Fleamont goes to grab it from a separate room and comes back
with a fairly small and strangely shaped gift. He places it down slowly before James and
takes a few steps back, nudging Euphemia to take a picture.

“Don’t rip this one open, be careful with it James.”

He pushes his lips out and tilts his head at the wrapping paper covered blob. None of the
other gifts were given notice to handle with care, so he makes sure to slowly rip the paper.
The anticipation almost makes him want to tear it apart, but he doesn’t.

Inside is a shimmery sort of fabric, and he reaches out to feel it. It’s soft, a bit like silk. James
pulls it out all the way, the fabric unraveling and covering his arm. Well, it should be. It’s
gone. James’ arm is missing.

It immediately clicks what this is and he nearly shrieks in excitement. Being as delicate with
it as he can, James gets to his feet and throws the fabric around his shoulders. “I’m gone!” He
shouts.

His mum and dad watch him as he dances around as just a floating head. The invisibility
cloak, an heirloom passed down for generations is his. He didn’t think it ever would be since
his dad always kept him very far away from it growing up. ‘He’d get it when it was time’,
he’d said.

Oh, the pranks he can pull with this thing, he needs to tell Sirius immediately.

James flings forward, engulfing his parents in another huge hug. “Thank you thank you thank
you! You really think it’s time?”

“You’ve been making us very proud, James,” Effie says. “It was a joint decision, of course.”

“It’s well earned, bring it to school and have loads of fun, I know I did,” his dad suggests,
feeling the cloak material between two fingers.

The rest of the day ends up just as good, they worked on a very big meal for dinner, and it
was delicious. He’s missed homemade food while at Hogwarts, most of the meals there are
all the same. Good, but the same. Now, it’s like an explosion of flavor that gives him that
floaty feeling when you’re eating a really fantastic meal.

Later that night, James sends Tally out with a very hefty letter about the invisibility cloak,
heading for one Sirius Black.

He never gets a response.

———

DECEMBER 26, 1972

Lily stares down at the green powder in the envelope Dorcas sent over and runs her fingers
through it. She’s never done this before, and sending herself somewhere with fire sounds like
the worst idea ever. Does the fireplace need to be magical, or does it work in any of them? Is
this a muggle fireplace? What is a muggle fireplace? Does it not count since she lives here?
What if she just bursts into flames? What if Lily dies?

She’s read all about floo powder, thinking it the most fascinating thing, but applying that to
real life is not as simple as it sounds.

Her parents and Petunia are out shopping for the good Boxing Day deals. Lily had told them
she was going out with friends, and they just let her. So now, she stands in her house alone, a
bit nervous she’s going to do this wrong and blow up the living room.

She lets out a slow breath. “Alright. Okay. No, this is fine. Just…walk into fire. Don’t burn
yourself alive. Don’t blow anything up. Easy.”
She steps right up to the fireplace in one long stride. Lily hopes this doesn’t cover her outfit
in soot, she got some of this for Christmas yesterday. The floo powder is clutched in her fist
as she takes in one more deep breath and throws it in.

Green flames burst from the ground and she shrieks, almost dropping the envelope with the
rest. “Oh my god, fire in my house! No firefighters, just me. Okay, just walk in it. Just go.
Just like Kings Cross. If I die, I die,” she freaks.

“Dorcas Meadowes’ house, Birmingham!”

She jumps in with a high pitched yelp and finds herself feeling sucked downwards, making
sure to tuck in her elbows and shut her eyes for safety. The fire actually isn’t hot at all,
thankfully. In a moment, she’s falling forward and she just knows it’s in a completely
different area. Lily catches herself and stumbles on her feet, opening her eyes.

The house is practically polar opposite from hers, with dark wood paneling for the floors and
brightly colored wallpaper compared to her neutral-toned one. There are heavily patterned
rugs tucked under sage couches that are already occupied by Dorcas, Mary, and Alice.

With a disbelieving laugh, Lily throws her arms up. “It worked!”

“Oh, you’re here, brilliant!” Dorcas smiles, getting up and guiding her by the elbow to the
couch. Their hair immediately catches her eye, Dorcas has a long twisting style while Mary’s
got flower covered twin puffs. She looks pretty, is the first thing Lily thinks. They both do,
obviously, but Mary’s hair pulled away from her face lets her soft features shine.

Alice has made an attempt at muggle clothing with a purple blouse and overalls with a big
white cardigan overtop. It’s not bad, but she is definitely going to help her out one day.

“I was so scared,” Lily giggles, covering her face with her hands. “Thought I might blow my
house up!”

Mary nods with wide eyes. “Me too! I asked my dad to watch over in case something went
wrong. Wasn’t sure what to expect, but it was actually fine.”

Alice hums. “It’s always scary the first time, I remember mine, I was probably five.”

“If you told me to jump into fire at five I would have cried,” Mary says.

A woman who looks like an older Dorcas walks into the room with some snacks on a tray.
She’s tall with hair in these intricate braids along with a white tank and bootcut jeans. She
looks like a model from a magazine. Her face lights up as she spots Lily.

“Hello, you must be Lily, then?” She greets, placing the tray down on the side table.
“Darlena, mum of the house,” she smiles, shaking Lily’s hand.

“Hi,” she says in awe. “You have a really nice house.”

Darlena laughs, waving a hand around. “Oh, love, this is nothing! Everyone always says it’s
too much color, but you can never do wrong with color.”
“My house is so…bland,” Lily states and grabs a tiny fruit cup from the tray. “This is lovely.”

“Alright, stop sweet talking my mum, Lily,” Dorcas says, getting a hold of one of the cups as
well. “She’ll ask you to live here.”

Darlena tsks. “Could do with more company, I’m by myself most of the time! Loved having
you here last night, Mary,” she points. “Now, who’s ready for the cinema? What are you
watching?”

Mary unfolds a piece of paper from her lap and hands it over. “I found this movie called The
Heartbreak Kid on that flier, thought it’d be fun! Y’know Alice has never seen a film
before?”

“Oh, you’re missing out,” she says, folding the flier back up and handing it to Mary.
“Haven’t been to a movie in a good minute, you’ll really like it. If it’s a good one, of course.”

Darlena seems quite acquainted with muggle things for a witch, so Lily wonders how that
could be. Most of the witches and wizards she’s met are so far disconnected from what used
to be her whole life. That is, except for Christmas. There must be an overlap in there
somewhere.

The theatre is actually only a couple streets down, so they can walk. Lily feels grown up like
this despite how being without adult supervision is normal for her. She’s also never had
friends like this. Before she found out what she is, Lily’s friends were all solely her friends in
school. Meaning once they went home, they didn’t speak. Like a ‘friends for convenience of
proximity’ kind of thing.

This doesn’t feel like that. Alice and Dorcas are skipping and sing-songing down the
sidewalk while Mary has a hold on her wrist and brings her along with them. It’s cold, a thin
layer of snow littered on the ground, but she hardly feels it. Her face is warm from
exhilaration. This is real. Lily can see herself being friends with them forever.

They enter the doors of the theatre, the smell of popcorn immediately flooding her senses.
She hasn’t been to the movies since before Hogwarts, it’s like nostalgia for a life she used to
live only a couple years ago.

Back when Petunia liked her, they were too young to go places on their own. Movies were a
family event.

She misses her sister now, stumbling over to the booth to buy tickets. During Christmas
yesterday, Petunia had been scowling at her everytime she dared to get a present. It felt so
strange, and it made it hard to enjoy the things she got. They were fairly basic presents for a
girl, mostly clothing and hair products, like her parents don’t know what to get her anymore.
But she was thankful anyway.

“Four tickets for The Heartbreak Kid, please!” Mary exclaims, up on her toes to reach over
the counter.

The bloke on the other side looked around nineteen and incredibly bored. “Two quid.”
“We’re paying our own ticket, right?” Dorcas asks, digging through her pockets for a coin.
“Think I’ve got fifty pence somewhere… ”

“Oh,” Alice mumbles. “I didn’t bring the right um…money,” she whispers to Lily.

Lily takes out a note and gives her a thumbs up. “I’ve got you,” she says and slides it over the
counter as Mary and Dorcas give a fifty pence each.

“Brilliant,” the boy drawls, letting the coins fall into a register and getting tickets for them.

They shuffle into the fairly packed room with their tickets after snagging some popcorn and
drinks and get decent seats. Not perfectly centered, but high enough that they aren’t breaking
their necks to see the film.

Alice sits on Lily’s left with Mary and Dorcas on her right in the respective order. The
projector isn’t on yet, so the room is filled with murmurs and whispers.

“Mary,” Lily grabs her attention. “Did you see what the movie was gonna be about?”

She nods vaguely. “A bit. It’s like a romance comedy, thought it’d be fun.”

“Oh, I’ve always been a fantasy girl.”

Mary smiles at her. “Well, maybe we can go see fantasy next time.”

Lily‘s face goes warm. “Like, on our own?”

“Yeah, if you’d like. That’d be fun.”

She looks down at her hands and purses her lips before glancing back up at Mary, who’s still
looking at her. There’s a tension, but it doesn’t feel like an awkward one. Lily taps her feet on
the ground nervously.

“I really like your hair,” Lily admits.

Mary beams harder. “Thank you! Miss Meadowes did a lovely job, didn’t she? I adore her.”

“Yeah, it’s so pretty,” she blurts. “Like the flowers and um. Anyway. Movie?”

“…Mhm.”

———

DECEMBER 29, 1972

That cough of hers hasn’t gone away. He can hear it now from his room even though he
really wishes he couldn’t.

Hope is more stubborn than Remus thought she was and has refused a visit to a doctor, not
even his dad could convince her. He’s been here for a week and it persists, this doesn’t feel
like a cold.

The walls of this house are thin. When she’s hacking up in the middle of the night, he can
hear it. And he can’t sleep. Every time he comes out to help, she just says she’s alright, it’s
not his job to do these things. Frankly, Remus doesn’t care.

He’s been trying to hold himself back from this train of thought, but it keeps creeping up on
him and grasping him by the throat. What if it’s his fault?

It’s been over a year since he first made that lie to James, Sirius, and Peter. ‘His mother is
sick’, is what he quickly came up with as an excuse for his absence. He hasn’t let down that
lie to this day, James and Peter still believe it. It might sound like such an insane thing to say,
but what if he brought it on her? Lying about his lovely mother he cares for so deeply has set
the universe to throw it back at him.

It’s a slippery slope, he knows it is. Hope isn’t dying. She’s just got a cough.

From beyond this room, he can still hear her. Remus tucks his knees into his chest and holds
himself so he doesn’t throw himself out there and upset her. She’s with Lyall, who he can
faintly hear comforting her. They don’t need him to burden them with his presence. He’s
done enough.

The next morning she appears to be okay, but this happens sometimes. In just one week,
Remus has noticed there are good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day, today seems
to be an alright one. She’s taking lozenges like an addict, but they don’t look like they’re
helping. The problem isn’t the throat, not when her voice goes raspy and wheezing on the bad
days.

Dad’s gone to work, and he’s watching her flip through a magazine while rolling a honey
lozenge on her tongue.

“Mum,” he starts. She brings the paper down below her eyes and peers at him. “I think you
should—“

“Love, I’m okay,” she says weakly. “You’re overreacting, it's the dry season and I’m
sensitive. I don’t need a doctor.”

Remus hates arguing with her, it’s been on the brink of happening lately, but he won’t let it.
Seeing her angry makes him cry, if he’s honest. It’s not because she’s scary, she’s far from it.
It’s the knowledge that he’s done something bad enough in her eyes to push her over the
edge.
He remembers when he was eight and it was the morning after a particularly bad moon. Lyall
was out at work and she was trying her best, but Remus was starting to get light headed from
the potions she was giving him. It’s not like she could’ve known.

Remus whined, pushing her nervous hands away despite how he was bleeding on the couch.
She raised her voice, to let her help him because he was going to drive her mad. As soon as
she saw the wide wet eyes and trembling lip she apologized profusely and held him as he
cried.

Oh, god, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m just so scared. It’s not your fault. I didn’t mean it, you’re
not driving me mad, please don’t cry, baby.

“Have you tried any potions?” He asks, voice thick from the memory.

“Yes, your father has pestered me with them nonstop. They don’t help, but this will pass.”

“…Are you not worried? About how potions don’t even work?” Remus asks, eyebrows
knitting in concern. “You don’t know what the illness is.”

His mum purses her lips and slowly places the magazine down to look at Remus more
clearly. “Remus, you worry yourself thin all the time. Come here,” she says, arms slightly
outstretched.

He gets to his feet without question, lowering down slowly into her arms so she can hold him
from behind. It’s warm here, tucking his head into her chest. But he can hear a silent
wheezing this close up. It’s not a comfort being held right now. It should be.

“I just want you to be okay,” he mumbles while she runs her hand through his hair.

“I know. But, baby, I promise—“

“Can’t you just do a checkup?” Remus says a bit desperately. “If not for you, then for me? I
wanna go back and know you’ll be fine.”

She pauses her hand movements, and sighs a bit raggedly. “Will it really make you feel better
if I go?”

“Yes.”

There’s a moment of silence between them for a minute. Remus lets it sit.

“I’ll go after New Year’s,” Hope says. Remus gives out a breath of relief and turns to hug
back with an arm.

“Thank you…”
 ———

JANUARY 2, 1973

“You all right?” She questions, turning her head from where she lays in the thin layer of snow
to look at Severus.

He’s in a mood today, but still joined her at the tree anyway. They haven’t had much time to
talk this break, so this is their first real time getting to sit with one another.

Severus blinks up at the branches overhead. “New Year’s was atrocious.”

“Was it?”

“Yeah,” he mutters. “Don’t wanna get into it. Was yours okay at least?”

She shrugs. “S’pose. Wanted to go back to Dorcas’ but my dad wouldn’t let me. Said I
needed to spend more time with the family. Thought…fair enough, I guess.”

Severus lets out something like a chuckle, glancing at her. “Petunia a nightmare again?” He
asks.

“I mean,” Lily sighs. “I don’t like calling her that.”

“Okay, well she is one,” he grumbles, picking at the grass. “She called you a freak, I think
nightmare isn’t the worst thing you could say. Anyway, was your movie any good? Never
seen one.”

“Really?” She squeaks. “I’m gonna bring everyone to the cinema one day. But it was pretty
good, funny. I don’t think you’d like it. Bit girly.”

He hums. “Romance?”

Lily makes her lips into a line. “Yeah, if that’s what you think is girly. I meant like—oh
whatever. I just feel like you’d be into mystery.”

“Why’s that?”

“Cause. You could figure it out before it’s revealed and get to feel super smart about it.”

He scoffs, sitting up. “I would not…”

She copies him, crossing her ankles and smiling smugly. “You so would.”
Severus raises an eyebrow a bit judgingly. “Did you really like that movie then? Thought you
liked fantasy, science fiction, and whatnot.”

“I said it was alright, not the best thing I’ve ever seen,” she chuckles. “And anyway, I’m
gonna go back this summer with Mary to watch something fantasy, we planned it out.”

“Just the two of you?”

Lily pauses, giving him an odd glance. “What?”

Severus contorts his face and picks at the dead grass some more. She wishes he would quit
that. “I mean, I don’t care about a group, but two is sort of our thing, isn’t it?”

Lily really, truly doesn’t understand what he’s saying. She can’t hang out with Mary? Or…?

“I don’t…I’m sorry, I’m confused,” she says.

“No, I’m just saying, spending time with just you outside school was something only I did,”
Severus mutters. “Is she your best friend?”

She looks at him for a while, jaw slightly ajar in confusion and shock. “Severus…I can have
more than one friend,” she voices, uncertain how they even got here. “It’s just some fun at the
movies.”

“Well, you’re my only real friend. You don’t see me going to the cinema with the people I
talk to at school.”

“Well, like you said, they’re not your real friends.”

“I know,” Severus says. “I just thought the same would apply to you then.”

“What?!” She exclaims. “No, my friends are actually good people, Sev. I hang out with them
because—you thought I was faking it?”

He raises his eyebrows and makes an outward gesture with his hands. He really did then,
unbelievable. “I thought we were on the same page. Friends for convenience, but we were
each other’s only true friends.”

“No. I don’t make ‘friends for convenience’. Mary is my friend, Dorcas is my friend, Alice is
my friend. They’re all my friends. Other people at school are my friends too, Marlene,
Cynthia, Remus…There’s nothing wrong with having more than one friend!”

“Makes it less special, don’t you think?” Severus suggests, pulling his knees up to his chest.
“You’ve got all these other people on your mind, what am I? Unimportant.”

Lily blinks. “That’s not how it works. I don’t know how else to explain this anymore. If I
knew this was such a big deal, I wouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have,” he mumbles, eyes dark. “Letting me know you don’t ever think
about me isn’t exactly a comfort.”
 She scoffs. “You just put so many words in my mouth! I didn't say that.”

“Well, whatever. I didn’t have a good day yesterday, this isn’t helping.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Lily backs down, trying to mediate the situation. “Really, I don’t mean to
upset you. You’re my first real friend, and it’s not like I’m going to forget that. You’re not
unimportant to me.”

Severus looks past her over the small hill they’re on. He doesn’t look very comforted by her
words. “Thanks.”

Something tells Lily he doesn’t mean it.

———

Chapter End Notes

I literally had no idea how to summarize this, everyone is having a completely different
break. Like whiplash, jesus. Lily having a fun time at the movies straight into Remus
unable to sleep because his mum’s sick. Yikes… Btw I really did hint at it in the summer
(chapter 15) cause i’m crazy.

But anyway, I really like this one it sets up a LOT. So much so that I’d compare it to a
seed. The next chapter is the water (literally?). Hm.

Hope you enjoyed!

 Second Year: A Burning Hill
Chapter Summary

Everything is fine.

Chapter Notes

This chapter has actual CWs, but they are also spoilers so I put them at the end note!

Words: 5.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JANUARY 4, 1973

No results yet. Hope isn’t here, she’s busy doing a follow up test because all the doctors
could conclude was that it wasn’t a cold. He’s worried himself into silence this past week.

So, Remus is being led into Kings Cross by just his dad this time. They haven’t spoken a
word. More than ever, he feels at fault for her condition, not that he’s said it out loud. He
can’t tell his dad he used her as a scapegoat for all this time only for her to actually fall ill. He
didn’t mean to do it. He really didn’t mean to.

He’s approaching the train, but before getting on he’s turned back around by Lyall.

He looks tired, hair thinned and eyes deep set. Hesitantly, he places an arm on Remus’ back
and pulls him in for something like a hug.

“Be safe,” is all he mutters. Remus looks up to him and nods despite it being impossible for
him to be safe. They both know that.

Their regular compartment—once he gets there—is occupied by James and Peter, the former
about to explode in his seat.

“Remus!” James jumps up, wrapping him into the second hug of the minute, this one much
tighter and nearly making him drop his bag. “How are you?”

The thing is, Remus hasn’t told them. How can he? They already think she’s sick.
He shrugs, forcing a weak smile on his face. “I’m good. How was your holiday?”

“Fantastic!” James grins. “I’ve got something I really have to show you lot once we get
there. It’s amazing, you’re never gonna believe it!”

Peter shakes his head affectionately. “He’s been talking about it for ten minutes already, and
he’s gonna talk about it some more when Sirius gets here.”

“Damn right I will,” James says, crossing his arms. “He didn’t respond to any of my letters!
Tally kept coming back empty handed—or clawed, I guess.”

Remus furrows his brows. “Well, of course he didn’t, he never could.”

“Nope! Last summer his mum let him send letters. I think she loosened up on him.”

Sirius was allowed to send letters the summer they weren’t talking? Just his luck.

And speak of the devil, the compartment door slides open to a very stoic Sirius. The first
thing Remus notices other than his expression is his hair. It’s short again, just like it was at
the beginning of first year. Close to his head and a bit roughed up, likely made that way as he
stepped away from his mother. It doesn’t look bad, Remus doesn’t think that’s possible, but
Sirius doesn’t look pleased about it.

He silently lugs his things into the storage space and slumps down beside Remus with a
groan, covering his face.

“Nice haircut…?” Peter squeaks.

“I didn’t want it.”

None of them seem to know what to say. James’ enthusiasm about whatever he had to talk
about has dissipated.

Sirius runs his hands through his hair frustratedly. “It’s so short, I look stupid. I was just
starting to really like it too! Took me a year to get there,” he mutters. “All for a stupid family
picture since my stupid bloody cousin got engaged. She didn’t cut Regulus’ hair, just mine!
How’s that fair?” He slumps down with a defeated sigh. “Whatever.”

Remus purses his lips, wanting to tell him it doesn’t look bad at all. It stays stuck on his
tongue for some reason.

“Mate, you still look good!” James says for him, reaching over and patting his shoulder.
“Don’t let her get you down. You can always grow it back out!”

Sirius tries to glare at James, but it quickly turns soft. “I guess…” He pushes his bottom lip
out a bit in a pout before asking, “Were your holidays any good?”

James seems hesitant to jump on talking about how great his life is, understandably. Remus
had a horrible holiday. So that leaves Peter.
“Well, my parents got my sister enrolled in a primary school. No more homeschooling from
me!” Peter says hopefully with a small smile.

“Oh, no way!” James exclaims. “That’s brilliant! You won’t be cooped up during breaks
anymore then?”

Peter beams harder. “Nope.”

“Good on ya,” he encourages, nudging Peter with an elbow. “Maybe you could come around
sometime!”

Hours after a long train ride and unpacking, the four lounge out back in their dorm. James
seems a bit antsy, tapping his feet on the ground and glancing around at everyone for the past
five minutes.

“Merlin, James,” Peter groans, cutting into the silence. “Just show us the thing you wanted to
show already!”

Sirius peeks out from the curtains shrouding his bed in confusion. “What thing?”

James bounces to his feet scrambling to his wood chest. “Oh, I’m so glad you asked!” He
whips out some shiny looking fabric and holds it bunched up in his hands. “Okay, all of you,
turn around…”

“You got a fancy cape?” Sirius raises a brow. Remus chuckles.

“No! Sort of. Just—“ James aggressively waves his hands, making them all spin around with
a groan. After a few moments he speaks up again. “Okay, look back now!”

Remus turns and…James is gone. He looks to Sirius and then to Peter who both seem just as
confused as he does.

“Uh…” Remus says, getting to his feet to scan the room. “James?”

Sirius follows after him. “He couldn’t have left the room, we just heard him.” He ducks down
to check under the beds. No luck.

Then, there’s a snicker. It’s right up in his ear and makes Remus whip around, but there’s no
one there. For some odd reason, he can feel a presence right there, right in front of him.
Hesitantly, Remus holds out a hand and pushes forward, coming into contact with nothing.
But it’s solid.

“James…?” He asks again, a smile growing on his face.

Peter cocks his head. “Have you gone mad, Remus? There’s nothing there.”

“No, no, he’s—“ He puts his hand back where it was, but now there’s no contact. “James!”
Sirius seems to be catching on as well. “Mate…are you invisible?” Suddenly, James appears
out of thin air in front of Sirius with a loud shout. “AH, you—!” Sirius yelps. He hits James’
glasses downwards in annoyance. “Don’t scare me, arse!”

“Woah!” Peter exclaims, jumping to his feet. “Was that the shiny thing?”

James giggles, readjusting his glasses. “Yep! Look.” He holds it up and hands it to Peter who
drapes it around himself and immediately disappears.

Sirius’ eyes are wide, jaw dropped. “James is that—“

“Yes!”

“You mean like—like a Deathly Hallow?!” He freaks. “Like the story?”

“Yeah, cool, isn't it?”

With a scoff, he marches over and grabs it from Peter, examining it with eyes like saucers.
“James this is like going ‘hey guys I’ve got something super cool to show you’ then bringing
out the damn Elder Wand! How did you get this?”

James shrugs like it’s no big deal. “It’s an heirloom.”

Remus doesn’t know much about the Deathly Hallows, but he does know that this would be
the Invisibility Cloak, because…obviously. That Pureblood history really goes far, doesn’t it?
Especially if it means getting a hold of a legend for a Christmas present.

“Okay, well. I guess we partially own death now.” Sirius raises his eyebrows and pulls it
around his shoulders. He’s just a head now, and he cracks a real smile for the first time since
he’s been here. “Oh, this is brilliant. I’m like Nearly Headless Nick but if he was actually
chopped! Actually, do you think he’d be a ghost body or just a ghost head if that happened?”

“I truly don’t know, Sirius,” James deadpans. “But we can do pranks with it! Have loads of
fun, be out after hours, go to Hogsmeade, do anything!”

“Oh…oh! Oh, James you genius.”

James mimics flicking his hair with a smirk. “Yeah, I know.”

———

It’s late, and Sirius is standing on the cold stone floor of their bathroom. The sink beneath his
palms chills him, too.

Eyes tired, he stares at himself and knows he’s been set back again. It must be her end goal,
because whenever he gets ahead she pulls him right back in. He didn’t think his hair meant so
much to him, but subconsciously it felt like he was growing with it. When she told him he
was to cut his mess of a mane, he refused. It had started to curl at the bottom of his neck.
Sirius liked it like this.

He forgot he’s not meant to say no, especially when he was finally given the privilege of
getting to leave the house. She sent Regulus upstairs, punished Sirius, then cut his hair with
care. That was the strangest part of it all. She didn’t hack away at him, she did it slowly,
brushing through it—not tugging. For a moment, he pretended like she was doing it out of
love. In his post-curse daze, it almost felt real.

It was probably just for the stupid picture. Can’t have her son looking a mess.

He hates it.

He wishes it looked worse so he could find a reason to hate her like he wants. She just
wanted him to look good. But he thought he did. He did, didn’t he? Sirius liked how it felt
that day on his birthday, high in the sky with James.

It’s gone now. James said it’ll grow back. Well, Sirius knows that, it’s just a haircut after all.
But when he looks in the mirror, he can’t tell if he’s eleven or thirteen, and that messes with
his brain. With this haircut he could even be nine, staring up at the stars with Regulus. Sure
he’s taller, voice a touch deeper, a bit smarter even. That’s all he has to go on. Sirius is
thirteen, and he doesn’t feel it anymore.

He turns the faucet on and dips his hands into the cold stream before running them down his
face. It shocks him fully awake, so it was probably a bad idea. They have classes tomorrow
and have to wake up in a few hours. Well, he might not be able to sleep anyway, bad dreams
have been keeping him up since that night. She hasn’t punished him since before he got here,
he actually almost forgot how it felt. Funny.

Sirius pulls back from the sink and renters the bedroom, sighing deeply. James is sleeping, he
wouldn’t dare wake him up for something so ridiculous like the possibility of a nightmare.
Peter’s bed doesn’t get a glance from him, his eyes go straight to Remus.

They’ve both got sleeping problems, so maybe…

No, it could be too early for that. It’s been over two months, he thinks. That’s not weird. But
he shouldn’t just dump his problems on Remus, not when his are way worse. Does he have
nightmares about full moon nights? Or are those days so common it’s lost any sense of fright
it could’ve had?

“Sirius?” He hears being whispered across the room.

His head shoots up and finds Remus. It’s here Sirius realizes he’s been standing in the middle
of the room blankly staring down at the ground for a while. And it’s like he knew, even with
the curtains drawn.

“You okay?” Remus breathes.

Sirius takes a moment to answer, landing on a shrug. They stare at one another, likely
thinking the same thing, or at least Sirius thinks so. Hopes.

Wordlessly, Remus draws his four poster’s curtains, an invitation of a sort. A smile threatens
to tug on his face as he walks over shyly, crawling on in. They haven’t done this since first
year, so his heart stutters once they’re shrouded by the curtains and the charm is cast. It’s
done by Remus as well this time, he must have taught it to himself at some point.

He can hardly see a thing, but neither bother with lighting a wand. That’s more James’ thing,
bringing light to the conversation.

“Was your holiday alright?” Sirius asks first.

Remus’ face is too dark to make out, but he hesitates. “Yeah. It was fine.”

Sirius purses his lips. “Are you lying?”

“…I thought we were talking about you.”

“Maybe,” he shrugs. “Didn’t really get to talk to you yet, so I just thought I’d ask. Is that
wrong?”

He wishes he could see Remus’ face to figure out what all the pauses before speaking are for.

“It’s not wrong,” he says quietly. “What’s keeping you up?”

He’s deflecting, but Sirius lets him. “Holiday was a mess. Which you could guess, but…I
dunno. James’ Invisibility Cloak put me in a good mood for a bit, and then it was night.
Started thinking about it all. Y’know?”

“Mhm. I was up for the same reason.”

Sirius wants to ask what’s keeping him up, and he should. He really should.

“Hate this stupid haircut,” he circles back to instead.

“It doesn’t—um…it’s not bad.”

“I know that.”

“Oh,” Remus mumbles. “At least you’re confident?”

Sirius accidentally cracks a smile, shaking his head. “No, I mean—“ He sighs. “She’s got
me.”

“Who? Your mum?”

“Mhm,” he hums. “I can’t decide how I feel about her. Should probably be easy, but it isn’t.
We weren’t…y’know, talking when this happened, but she was kind to me during the
summer. She let me call her Mother and I sent James and Peter letters. I got to go to Diagon
Alley with Regulus and hang out with James. I met his parents. And she wasn’t mad at any of
it!

“Then comes this holiday, and—and maybe my expectations shouldn’t have been so high, but
I wasn’t nervous going back. I thought…well I just…thought she’d be a bit nicer is all.”

He hates giving these details, and there aren’t many at all. Actually, he’s basically told Remus
nothing. Sirius isn’t going to tell him how she hurt him again, or that Orion hardly spared a
glance at him the entire two weeks. At least Orion never let him call him father. It’s better in
a way.

The only light of the holiday was that conversation with his brother. Regulus had this specific
melancholy look in his eyes the entire time even though he hardly looked at him, but it was
something. Something is good enough for him. Because whenever Regulus did look at him,
his eyes filled with an emotion too big for someone his age. Warm and cold, distant but
yearning.

“I’m sorry,” is all Remus mutters in response. Fair enough, he doesn’t know what he’d say to
all of that either. Either that, or his mind is far away.

———

JANUARY 18, 1973

Not for a moment has Remus been able to focus in his classes since he’s been back. He won’t
be able to, not until he knows his mum is going to be okay. It’s been two weeks. Two weeks
with no news, no nothing.

He has to go out to the shack tonight, the only thing he hopes for is that the Wolf doesn’t hurt
him too badly. Be forgiving, even if he deserves it for getting her sick.

The others have noticed he’s gone quiet again. Not like before, of course not. He tries to
distract himself with fun and pranks the others try pulling, but it all just leaves a foul
aftertaste in his mouth. How can he enjoy himself when he doesn’t know if his mum is
healthy? She’s everything. The world wouldn’t make any sense if something happened to
her.

Why is it taking his dad so long to send a damn letter?

He dresses silently in the bathroom before breakfast, white button down and red striped tie,
as usual. Because everything is normal. Remus is going to go down seven flights and pretend
he can eat anything without feeling sick. He’s going to head back up seven flights to
Astronomy. He’ll sit there for a long time, spacing out and imagining every little thing Lyall
could say. Then he’ll go to Charms. He will skip Defense because it’s too late in the day and
he has to claw at himself and deal with it tomorrow. Maybe Sirius will write his notes again.

He’ll nap in the Hospital Wing, dreaming of blonde hair and soft hands holding him gently.
He will wake and realize it’s just Madam Pomfrey tending to his wounds because that’s the
job she’s been assigned.

This tie is suffocating, he pulls it looser.

Remus feels a tightness behind his knees with every step down the stairs. He’s floating in his
head, mind distant like a bad omen.

James and Sirius are laughing about something he can’t hear while he pulls dry toast apart.
Swallowing it is like downing sandpaper. Butter or jam could make the experience better, but
his arms feel like weights. Each passing day without news, he seems to get further away from
himself.

He couldn’t even console Sirius the right way that first night. His life is much worse than his
will ever be, and he couldn’t muster up more than an ‘I’m sorry’.

Maybe if he hadn’t taken up Dumbledore’s offer to be here, none of this would have
happened. He wouldn’t have had to lie and bring illness down upon her.

Remus is a bad friend, and he’s a bad son too.

“Mate,” Peter lightly nudges him with an elbow, bringing him back into focus. Remus looks
at him. “You got a letter,” he remarks, pointing at a little brown owl next to his plate.

His eyes widen and he snatches it up, catching the attention of James and Sirius.

“What’s that?” James asks, mouth full of scrambled eggs.

That’s his dad’s owl. Remus shouldn’t open this here, but he’s waited weeks for this, for
anything from him. He needs to know. He has to know.

James doesn’t get an answer or even a look of acknowledgement from him as he rips the
envelope open with no care for making it look nice. He pulls out the folded paper inside.

Please. Please. Please.

Please.

Remus unfolds it, lip bitten and heart pounding in his chest.

And the world seems to fall to pieces around him.

His vision goes hazy and his ears ring.

Suddenly, he’s outside the Great Hall. Remus didn’t realize he got up.

Even with his stiff knees, Remus finds himself back in their dorm room. He doesn’t know
how he got here. He was just eating a moment ago.

His tie is on the floor, it was suffocating.

He’s curled in bed, face pressed into his pillow. He’s screaming into it, sobbing until his voice
breaks and his lungs are heaving for air.

That’s not fair. It’s not fair.

It’s not fair.

He did it. It’s his fault, it’s all his fault. He did this to her, he might just be the worst son
alive.

Remus didn’t even read the whole thing. It was a fairly long letter, one that’s now crumpled
up in his fists and pressed up to the back of his head. His eyes landed on one word as soon as
he glanced at it. Just one. One word.

Cancer.

Lung cancer.

She had that cough since the summer, it’s been six months since then. Six months. Six
months. Six. Months.

And it’s his fault.

It’s not fair. The universe shouldn’t be allowed to hurt other people for his mistakes. Let it be
him. It should have just been him.

He’s weeping like he’s lost her already, but he likely did. She might not even make it to the
summer, they could have caught it too late and he might have just lost her—

“—Remus, what’s happened?” It cuts through the ringing he hears and he jerks up off his
pillow with a gasp, finding James crouched before him and frantic. He didn't follow him, did
he?

Remus doesn’t know what to do or say, he just crumples the paper in his fist further and looks
at James with wide wet eyes. He’s a complete blur.

Cancer.

He can’t think.

Lung cancer.

“Remus, please—“

“I can’t—no, I can’t tell you,” he whines miserably and breathily. “Just leave!” James thinks
Hope has been sick for over a year. If he loses that cover then he could be—

Oh, he’s so fucking selfish.

James shakes his head, overwhelmed. “You’re in a complete state, I’m not just leaving you
like this!” He glances at his fist. Remus curls it into his chest and scrambles to the other side
of the bed.

“No!” He cries. James can’t look at it. He can’t know. He can’t tell him.

His mother is dying and he won’t tell James because he's used her as a scapegoat for his own
gain. It should’ve been him. It should have been him.

“Remus—“

He hopes the Wolf is cruel tonight.

“Remus, please!”

“God, it’s my mum! She’s dying and it’s my fault, it’s my fault, James it’s all my fault!”
James freezes, wide eyes searching his own. “Oh…” He breathes. “I’m so sorry, I—I—it’s
gotten worse?”

“No, no no, she was never—she was never sick! James, I’m a horrible person, I lied and
she’s dying and I made it happen!” Remus sobs, shame eating away at his very soul. He
hopes James gets so angry at him he never speaks to him again, who lies about their own
mother being sick?

James’ eyebrows pinch together tightly as his eyes continue their deep search through every
lie he’s told.

“I shouldn’t be here, I—I don’t deserve it, Dumbledore was wrong, he was so wrong! James
get him to take it back, go to him and tell him you know everything, the shack, the Wolf, the
monster I am, fucking everything!” Remus confesses loudly through waterfalls of tears
gliding down every groove and scar in his face. James doesn’t say a word. “I’m a liar, I lied
about—about all of it, nearly everything I’ve ever told you is just a lie. And my mum is
gonna die and it’s my fault…Oh, it’s my fault, it’s my fault.”

He squeezes his eyes shut tight and breaks down in high pitched hiccups, paper still clenched
tightly in his closed fist.

The bed dips beside him, and he expects James to slap him for what he’s done. He makes
contact, but it’s not a sharp shock to the face. He’s being pulled in gently but firmly into his
arms, letting Remus’ head come down to rest against his shoulder.

It’s not right, James should hate him. He should be marching his way to Dumbledore’s office
to get him expelled.

Remus doesn’t back away, not with James’ hand on the back of his neck and the other on his
spine. Like he’s still something worthy of holding. He sobs and he sobs and he sobs. James
doesn’t say anything.

He doesn’t deserve this, what is he doing? He quickly pulls back from James and finally
opens his eyes, imagining the other’s would be filled with hatred. Or at least some fire after
being told he’s been lied to since the very beginning.

It isn’t there. Instead, his eyes are glossy too. Here, Remus remembers he’s the only one who
has seen James cry. He made James cry again.

“What are you waiting for?” He whispers shakily, hoping maybe it was a trick, and James
will soon end all of this.

James slowly shakes his head. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says quietly. “I don’t care that
you lied, Remus, I already had a feeling. I don’t care that you’re a…a Werewolf either. That
doesn’t matter to me. Not when you’re one of my best friends. Not when you’ve just got the
worst news in the world.”

“You should—“
“No.”

They probably should’ve been at Astronomy ages ago, but school is so far off Remus’ mind
he’s forgotten where he is.

“And Remus,” James says. “It’s not your fault. Never in a million years could it be your fault,
even if you lied about it. That’s not how the world works.”

Remus thinks he’s deserved everything he’s gotten thus far in his life. He sniffles hard,
rubbing at his sore eyes. “It feels like it.”

“Well, it isn’t. You can’t control that.” James places an arm on his shoulder and squeezes.
“I’m sorry about your mum, she doesn’t deserve this. Neither do you.”

He’s silent for a long while. The reality of everything he just said is starting to sink in, and he
can’t tell if it was a mistake or not. James doesn’t just know what he is, he knows the inner
workings of his brain, the way he views himself and the universe, the way he sounds when he
sobs his throat hoarse. But he hasn’t done a thing to suggest he judges him for them.

Sirius didn’t react well right away, he ran out of detention and seemed angry about it all. Of
course he’s learned since then, but James didn’t look like he had to process and come to
terms with anything. Like somehow in the back of his mind he already knew.

“I don’t wanna go to class today,” Remus mumbles, throat sore. “Don’t think I can.”

“That’s fine. I won’t go either.”

“No, you should go,” he says. “Shouldn’t miss class cause of me.”

James just shrugs. “I don’t care about missing class, really. I’d rather make sure you’re okay.”

Remus frowns. “But I’m not. And I have to leave later I’m—um. It’s a…full moon tonight,”
he finishes with a whisper.

“That’s fine too.”

“No it’s—“ He furrows his brows and leans back. “Why are you so okay with all of this? You
should hate me.”

“I can’t hate somebody for something they can’t control,” James says firmly. “You’re the
furthest thing from a monster, I mean, how old were you even when it happened—cause I
don’t think you can be born with…can you? Sorry, not the right qu—“

“I was five.”

James’ eyes widen with pity and probably horror as well. “Five?”

He half shrugs, facts he hasn’t told anyone before just falling out like they’re nothing. Sirius
never asks these sorts of questions. He just accepts that Remus is as he is.
“Yeah,” he utters. “I don’t remember it. Maybe that’s a good thing. This has just been my life
for…all of it.” Remus sees James open his mouth to probably give condolences or sympathy,
but he speaks first. “I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”

James shuts his jaw and nods.

The letter is still in his fist, he notices. It’s making his hand cramp, so Remus loosens his grip
and winces as the sharper edges come from the indents he made. He’ll read the full letter
later, when James isn’t here and when his head is a little clearer, though he isn’t sure the latter
can ever be true again.

His mother is sick. Her body is actively working against her now and there isn’t anything he
can do about it.

Remus wants to see her. Whatever it takes for Dumbledore to let him go, he’ll do it. He
couldn’t… deny him, could he?

Two days afterwards, he finds himself standing before a large statue of a phoenix with its
wings curved into itself.

On the day the Headmaster had given him his Hogwarts letter, he’d told him something else.
If he ever needed anything, the password to his office is ‘sherbet lemon’. Remus never used
it, never felt the need to. He shouldn’t go around asking Dumbledore for favors, not when
he’s been given such a great one already.

But this is about Hope, it’s for her, not him. He needs to see her before the end of term,
before it could be too late. Remus isn’t fully aware of the ins and outs of cancer, but six
months untreated sounds bad. Really bad.

He takes a couple steps closer and speaks the password quietly. Slowly, the phoenix turns and
the wall moves with it, revealing a spiraling staircase that disappears above the archway.

Remus inhales deeply, exhaling and climbing the stairs before the statue has the chance to
turn back around. Soon enough, he’s entering a large stone brick room with a triple archway
and a scattering of paintings on the walls. They must be the past Headmasters, judging by
context.

As if the man was expecting him, Professor Dumbledore is sitting at his desk, getting to his
feet once Remus is in view.

“Mr. Lupin,” he says lightly, half-moon glasses on the tip of his nose. “To what do I owe the
pleasure?”

Any kind of confidence Remus had sizzles out of him immediately. He puts his arms behind
him and plays with his fingers habitually.

“Professor Dumbledore, sir,” Remus starts a bit breathily. “Well, I’d like to thank you for
everything you’ve let me have here, I—I really do appreciate it.” Dumbledore stares at him a
bit quizzically, urging him to continue. “Um…I was wondering…I’ve gotten this terrible
news recently—“

“Your mother, yes.”

Remus stops talking, mind suddenly racing. “How…?”

Dumbledore pulls out a piece of paper from his desk drawer and sets it down on top. “Did
you think your father and I didn’t keep in touch?”

He isn’t really sure what to say, but he stares down at the letter Lyall wrote to the
Headmaster. He can’t see the words from where he is, but something about finding out his
dad occasionally speaks to Dumbledore is strange. Maybe he should have expected it, but it’s
not like he ever told him.

This is his first time speaking with the man alone, and he’s at a loss for words. He’d hoped to
convince Dumbledore to let him see his mum for a few days, but he already knows
everything.

Dumbledore glances down at the letter as well before stating, “We have decided it’s best you
stay here until the end of term.”

“What?” Remus blurted, taking a step further into the office. “But sir, I need to see her, I
don’t know if I’ll be able to later. July is so far.”

“I understand that, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore acknowledges, bowing his head slightly. “Has
your father told you about her plans to start treatment?”

Remus goes red. “I haven’t um…well my dad sent me a letter, but I haven’t read through it
yet. I was in recovery yesterday and then the day before, I just…well I…I dunno…”

“You should read it,” he says. “Perhaps you’d understand then.”

He goes silent for a minute, Dumbledore waits. “So…I can’t see her?” Remus pleads, voice
threatening to break.

“I’m deeply sorry, but your father has advised against it. My condolences for your situation,
but I cannot send you home against his will.”

Remus wants to argue, beg, maybe even force Dumbledore to do something. But he’s doing
everything he can, Remus shouldn’t put the blame on him. The man has done more than
enough for him, he couldn’t possibly ask more, not without possibly losing everything. His
mum would hate it if he did that for her.

So he nods quietly, mumbling farewells and leaving the way he came.

That night, he makes sure everyone is asleep, even putting up the Imperturbable Charm
around his curtains in case he…y’know. The letter has been tucked under his pillow since he
and James were here last. It’s crinkled and full of tiny tears from his own fist that he tries
desperately to smooth out. Stupid. How stupid of him to do this to something so important.
He lights his wand and takes a moment to let himself relax before finally looking down to
read.

Dear Son,

I’d waited to send this because I needed the complete results first. The doctors had all
suggested your mother do a screening, one for a terrible disease as a caution. Two weeks
later, she was diagnosed. I’m sorry, but—

Remus shuts his eyes before he sees the dreaded word scribed exactly how he saw it two days
prior. It’s still there, even among the wrinkles in the paper. Only, there’s more around it.

— your mother has cancer. They had told us 3B lung cancer along with other details I will
spare from you.

We’ve both been in shock for the past few days, and I’m sorry you have to find out like this.
There are many wishes I have for the past, as I’m sure you have, but there’s hardly a point in
looking at them.

There will be a few more weeks of tests before any treatments can begin. However, I implore
you not to come home.

Remus clenches his jaw and grips the paper tighter.

Hope is having a very hard time with this, and she’s decided she doesn't want you to see her.
It’s not out of malice, but out of love for you. The last thing a boy needs is to see his mother
lose health.

“But I want to see you,” he whispers, eyes stinging.

Thank you for getting her to see a doctor, I’d been trying for months to no avail. Without your
input, I doubt she’d have ever gone. I love her, but she has always hated being treated like
she’s weak. It’s how we met, after all.
 The ink smudges a bit there, and Remus’ heart lurches.

Please try to get through the rest of the year in some kind of peace. I will send you updates
through the months. Do not lose hope. It was caught late, but perhaps it isn’t too late. You
will be able to see her in the summer, I can promise that. It hasn’t spread far enough to do
that kind of damage yet.

Stay safe, Remus.

Love,

Your father

———

Chapter End Notes

CWs: referenced abuse, dissociation, minor suicidal ideation (i believe that’s the best
way to describe it), cancer

I felt very bad making this one, believe me. I’m trying to handle this the best way I can,
but if when later chapters get posted you have any issues, I’m open to criticism or
comments :)!

Anyway, I hope you did enjoy this. I won’t spoil the rest of 2nd year but since this is a
heavy dip down, it’s not so bad for the rest!
 Second Year: Trust and Truth
Chapter Summary

Getting up to speed, basically.

Chapter Notes

Double update today! This chapter serves one purpose and I just needed to get it out of
the way.

Words: 3.8k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JANUARY 26, 1973

“Sirius.”

James carefully watches Sirius grab equipment for Flying later. Remus is in the library and
Peter is elsewhere, so it’s just the two of them.

This week has been an especially strange one, such as his friend exposing his condition in the
worst circumstances possible. James wasn’t lying when he said it didn’t matter to him. He’s
better than that.

Learning what Remus thinks of himself hit him harder, it seems like it was something
constantly ringing in the back of his mind. It came out so easily. James tried not to let it show,
but he was horrified. All he could think to do was hug him tightly, it’s what his mum always
does whenever he’s upset. It’s never like that though. He can’t imagine what that’s like, gut-
wrenching and nauseating.

Now, he’s been trying to keep it all hush, but Sirius knows. James is completely sure that he’s
known for a while, likely about everything. He can’t piece together exactly when he found
out, but Sirius and Remus always had a secret very separate from him and Peter.

Sirius turns over his shoulder at his call and hums a quick, “Hm?” Before continuing to put
things in a pile.

James clears his throat, swaying his arms back and forth. “So…you know, don’t you?”
He stops, back to James. “Huh?”

“About Remus.”

Sirius freezes, his shoulders tensing. “Uh…what’s there to know?”

“Well that he’s…y’know,” James says, then whispers, “A Werewolf.”

Sirius’ eyes bulge from their sockets as he spins to fully face him. “Wh…huh?! How?”

For a split second, James almost fears he assumed wrongly, but the look in his eyes tells him
the opposite. That’s a knowing look.

“It was a whole erm…thing. But he told me—or rather—“ He hesitates, spilling the entire
story seems like too much. “Well he told me,” James finishes lamely.

“Told you?!” Sirius exclaims. “I had to lose my mind for four months and find out myself, he
just told you?”

“No, no, it was…I mean you know that day he got that letter about his mum and then I
followed him out?”

“Letter about his mum?”

James pauses. “You…don’t know?”

“About what?” He questions bemusedly. “I know he got a letter and went a bit strange. Was
he alright? I never asked, but he seemed okay the next time I saw him.”

James blinks, confused as to how Remus hasn’t told Sirius anything yet. They talk all the
time, has he just pretended it’s not happening? “Uhhh…Well I don’t like talking about people
without them knowing…so—“

“What, is he not?” Sirius asks, concern filling his expression. “He hasn’t said anything bad to
me.”

James wraps both hands around the back of his neck and grimaces. “I don’t know if I can say,
I’d feel really guilty.”

“Why?”

“I dunno if he’d wanna…”

“What? Tell me?” Sirius stresses. “I’m his best friend, why wouldn’t he?”

James takes a step closer, beckoning him to just relax. If he knew Sirius would get so worked
up, he probably would have worded this whole thing better. “Sirius, you should ask him, not
me, and when you do, don’t force it out because it’s really bad and he’ll be upset.” James
quickly cups a hand over his mouth. “I probably shouldn’t have said that,” he mumbles. “But
listen—“
“What the hell is he keeping from me this time?” Sirius scoffs, crossing his arms. “We agreed
to…wait, you mentioned his mother. It’s really bad and he’ll be upset, is she alright?”

James’ grimace contorts into an almost pained expression. Oh, he really needs to get better at
secret keeping if he’s going to be trusted with Remus as a whole.

Sirius’ body untenses itself. “Okay, I’ll just ask him.”

“Thank you—“

“Does Peter know anything?” Sirius asks suddenly.

James frowns. “Uh…no. If we’re talking moon then I think he knows Remus is lying, but
otherwise…no.”

Sirius nods slowly, pacing around. “‘If we’re talking moon’,” he chuckles despite everything.
“Is that a code word now?”

“I dunno, do we need a code word for our friend’s condition?”

“I mean, if we’re talking about it in public, maybe.”

James furrows his brows. “Why would we talk about it in public?”

“I don’t know, okay!” Sirius throws his hands up. “I’m gonna talk to Remus before class, is
he in the—“

“Yeah.”

“Kay. See you.”

———

Sirius has just gone through a rollercoaster of emotions in about an hour. He’s sitting curled
up in the large windowsill of the library with Remus across from him. The sunlight streaks
through and dances across his features, it’s a nice change. Usually when they’re talking like
this, the only light is the soft glow of the moon or nothing at all.

At first, he’d been quite frustrated. How could he keep another secret from him after
everything?

But now, Remus has quietly explained everything and it didn’t even take much to get it out of
him. He just came over and inched his way over to the topic. Remus is smart, he knew what
Sirius was doing and yet he told him anyway.
It really isn’t fair what his friend has to go through, it’s just so much. Sirius doesn’t think he
could handle Walburga dying, and she’s terrible to him. Remus has only spoken very highly
of his mother…she can’t die. It would devastate him, he doesn’t deserve that.

“By the way,” Remus mutters, hunched over with his arms around his knees. “I didn’t tell
you not because I don’t trust you or anything. It’s just um…well it’s a lot for me. I’m trying
not to think about it and…I felt like you had a lot going on already.”

Sirius cocks his head in confusion. “I don’t, though. I mean, yeah, mum did something bad.
Shocker. That’s nothing compared to you.”

Remus purses his lips and sighs, leaning his head up to the window but keeping eye contact.
“Well I’m glad my life sucks so much you think yours pales in comparison.”

There’s no malice behind any of his words, he just sounds tired. Young and tired.

Sirius glances down at his hands and rubs his thumbs together for a moment. “I wish I could
help,” he says.

“Don’t think you can do anything for this,” Remus mumbles.

“Does um…” Sirius stutters, stomach turning. He clears his throat. “Does talking with me do
anything?”

Remus gives him a look, about to respond, but Sirius is quicker.

“Not saying that it’s helping your situation or anything,” he clears up quickly. “But more like
you…y’know. Personally. I guess. I said—“ I don’t want you to be alone. It was hard to admit
once, having trouble pushing it out a second time feels stupid, but he still doesn’t say it.
“Everything I said the day I told you I knew, it’s still true.”

What a way to skirt around the direct sentence, he is just the worst at this.

Remus seems amused though, a slight smile forming on his face. Sirius realizes it hasn’t been
there for a while. How could he have missed that? “You didn’t have to keep going,” he
remarks. “I was going to say…that yes, talking with you does do something for me. I think
being by myself for all of it wouldn’t do me any good. So thank you for…dunno. Being here
I suppose.”

Sirius nods slowly. Words are having a hard time doing anything for him right now. “Uh—
cool. Yeah that’s um. Well, I’m glad.” He smiles, carding a hand through his hair, still
disappointed at how quickly it leaves him.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, the warmth through the window almost
tires him out. But he’s got Flying soon, annoyingly enough. He likes the class, but there’s
hardly a point since he doesn’t see himself being on the Quidditch team. James is just a
maniac and would probably take that class until the day he dies if he could.

“I should probably get going,” Sirius says, turning to slide off the ledge.
“I’ll come with you.” Remus copies him, closing his book and holding it to his chest.

“To Flying?”

He laughs lightly. “Definitely not, just following on the way. I’m not busy. If you don’t mind,
obviously.”

Sirius hops to the ground. “Why would I?”

Remus glances down at his shoes shyly before bringing himself off the ledge slowly.
“Dunno…just asking.”

“Well, come on then!” Sirius exclaims.

———

JANUARY 30, 1973

Lily turns up the heat on the flames beneath her cauldron, tongue between teeth. Beside her,
Severus tosses in the lionfish spines, the potion below slowly turning yellow.

Professor Slughorn walks around slowly to check on how everyone’s Wiggenweld Potions
are coming along. There’s usually a nod or hum, or occasionally an actual criticism. Her and
Severus never get that, they always receive the delighted hum of approval.

There’s also always that incessant giggling behind her, but she takes her mind off it while
continuing to heat up their mixture.

“Think that’s a bit too much, Lily,” Severus mumbles, preparing more spines.

She makes a noise of confusion, staring down at the flame. “I think it’s fine.”

“No, you’re overdoing it.” He picks up his wand and lessens the flame by just a touch. Picky.

Lily sighs, letting him toss the next batch of spines in the cauldron while she twists the cap
open for the flobberworm mucus. It’s a disgusting substance, just like its awful name. She
measures carefully, making sure not even a molecule of this gunk is higher than it needs to be
in the cup. Sometimes she forgets that people really have to drink this stuff and they aren’t
just for the class. How they can do it knowing what goes in it is beyond her.

Luckily, Severus has no qualms with her mucus measuring skills. It gets dumped in, and the
potion quickly becomes a vibrant shade of purple.

“Happy birthday, by the way,” he says a few minutes later while stirring.
“Oh,” Lily beams. “Thank you!”

Today, she’s thirteen, and an actual teenager. It’s weird to think about, but she’s excited
nonetheless. All these movies talk about teenage years like they’re the best of someone’s life.
Lily hopes that’s true, she could do with some excitement.

Severus nods. “Yeah, uh, you should get the honey water in now.”

“Yes, of course.” She quickly reaches for the vial and carefully adds in drops until the potion
turns a blueish color.

“Are you doing anything for it?”

Lily shrugs. “Haven’t thought about it. The girls and I might do something since I have the
rest of the day free after this class.”

Severus furrows his brows and glances over at her for a moment. “I thought you had Flying?”

“Oh…no,” Lily mumbles, letting a few drops of boom berry juice fall in the cauldron. “I quit
a long while back.”

“How come?”

Lily purses her lips. In all honesty, she got nervous to get on a broom again after what
Mulciber did. Severus is still under the impression that it was an accident, so bringing it up
again all these months later will just upset him.

“It’s not a required class,” she says dismissively. “I wasn’t very into it.”

She was, actually. Flying around was exhilarating for her, it was freeing and nothing like
anything she’d ever experienced. When she was a kid, she always imagined being able to fly,
the wind in her hair on swing sets and trampolines. That was until she was targeted on one,
and her joy of flying had been sucked away from her. She quit quietly before the next class
and no one asked her why she did it. Must have been fairly obvious.

This recipe is a bit annoying, they have to sit and let it simmer for the next thirty minutes.
The two of them decide to just talk to pass the time.

“Makes sense,” Severus replies. “I didn’t like Flying first year. I’d rather learn to apparate,
but it’s not allowed until we’re seventeen.”

“That’s the teleportation thing, isn’t it?” Lily asks.

He nods. “Yeah, I guess you can call it that. It can be dangerous if you do it wrong. Missing
limbs and whatnot.”

“Limbs?”

“That’s why the rule is in place,” Severus says. “But if you do it responsibly, I don’t see a
reason why it’s any different from other potentially dangerous magic. Just because it could go
wrong doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.”

“Fair enough,” Lily mutters, absentmindedly twirling a strand of hair around her finger. “I’d
like to teleport.”

“Apparate.”

“Same difference.”

After what feels like an eternity of waiting, their Wiggenweld Potion is finished to be turned
in. Slughorn takes one glance at it, swishing it around in the glass before giving them a
perfect score. As usual.

When class is all finished, she heads over to the door only to be surprise attacked by Mary
who reaches and peaks over her shoulder from behind.

“Birthday time!” She announces, grin wide.

Lily giggles, face hot, she tilts forward from the weight Mary’s putting on her back. “What
are we doing?”

Dorcas and Alice rush out the door with them while Mary gets her feet back on the ground.
“Celebrating, obviously,” Dorcas says.

The rest of the day is a blast, she gets happy birthday wishes from plenty of people, even
Potter and Pettigrew said something to her. Remus was very kind about it all and gave her a
hug, something he’s never done before. He’s quite good at it, she’ll keep note of that.

She plays games with her roommates and Marlene and Cynthia outside by the tree. They put
it on bets with Honeydukes sweets they’ve all somehow gathered up, and everyone loses and
lets her win on purpose. Lily doesn’t even care, free candy is always a pleasure.

They spend the whole night talking and giggling despite how they have class in the morning,
and by the end, Lily’s completely spent.

She yawns, head resting in Alice’s lap. “Ugh, we’re so screwed tomorrow,” she mumbles
with a weak smile.

“I’ll skip first class if you lot will,” Alice says drowsily. “Anyone know what time it is?”

Mary pulls her sleeve down to check her watch. “Four.”

“In the morning?” Lily freaks, popping up to a seated position.

Dorcas shakes her head, pulling on a hair covering and climbing into bed. “Not happening,
I’m skipping the eight AM.”

“Definitely,” Alice agrees.

Lily groans, she doesn’t wanna skip class. “Mary, would you go with me?”

Mary pouts from where she lays flat on the red rug. She turns to find Lily looking over her.
“Mmm…maybe. They need to get coffee in this place.”

“Doesn’t coffee stunt your growth?”

“Yeah, that’s why she’s so short,” Dorcas adds from behind her curtains.

Mary groans. “No one asked you, you beanstalk!”

“You two only have like…three inches between you…” Alice mumbles. “I’m sleeping.”

“Fine, I’ll go to Transfiguration in the morning because you’re too much of a nerd to miss,”
Mary pushes herself up, getting right in Lily’s face.

Lily wrinkles her nose, tiredly pointing a finger at her. “That’s not very nice. But that’s very
nice. Thanks.”

Mary shrugs a shoulder. “That didn’t really make sense. Night Lils. Happy birthday.”

With wide tired eyes, she watches Mary get to her feet and extend a hand out to her. She
doesn’t need help standing but she takes it anyway.

“G’night…” she yawns, slowly loosening her grip on Mary’s hand and heading towards her
bed to head in.

Even though Lily is beyond tired and has to be awake in just three hours, she still takes a
considerable amount of time to sleep. There’s that jittery feeling in her chest again, it’s
starting to feel more like flutters.

———

FEBRUARY 18, 1973

Peter finds himself alone in the dorm room in the middle of the day on a Sunday. He sits
quietly, glancing around the room at everyone’s respective beds.

Everyone’s been very strange for the past month, not that anyone is ever normal… but it’s
gotten weirder. It’s like James, Sirius, and Remus are in on a joke that he wasn’t there for.
They’ve been careful of what to say around him, and now they’re all missing. He’d hoped to
do something fun with James’ invisibility cloak again. Last time, they’d gone and snuck out
after hours and left a dungbomb in Filch’s office. It was a good load of fun.
Now he’s by himself and the others didn’t tell him they’d be off. Peter looked around for a
while but couldn’t find them anywhere.

For a while, he thought it was just Remus and Sirius with their antics and secrets while he
and James were on the outside of it. It seems James is a part of it now, and Peter’s the only
one left out.

Perhaps he should just confront them when they get back and ask what they’re all hiding
from him. It’s not fair at this point, he’s their friend too.

So he sits, and he waits. Peter waits for hours as he wanders around, occasionally staring at
the door in frustration. Each second that ticks away annoys him further.

It’s a bit past midday when they get back, opening the door with Remus slightly leaning into
James’ side. They all look at him, he glares back. Remus settles on the edge of his bed while
James and Sirius pretend that didn’t just happen. This must all come down to Remus. Him
and all of his secrets.

“Where were you lot off to?” Peter asks with crossed arms.

Sirius drops his bag to the floor and dismissively says, “The courtyard.”

He purses his lips in annoyance. “I checked the courtyard, and you weren’t there.”

“Well, not like the courtyard,” Sirius lies. “Just meant like we were outside.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Peter rolls his eyes. He turns to Remus. “You hurt or something?”

Remus lifts his head and hesitates before shrugging. “Not really, just twisted my ankle while
we were out.”

If they really were just outside, how come he wasn’t invited? Why'd they just randomly go
outside and not let him know when he was with them right before they left? Well, of course
the answer is that they’re keeping something from him.

James stays silent, oddly enough.

“Well,” Peter sighs, getting to his feet. “It would be nice if everyone stopped lying to me and
being weird. Might wonder how that makes someone feel after an entire month of it.” He
opens the door to leave, finding his confrontational skills too poor to even keep this up.

“Peter,” Remus calls.

He turns back slowly, finding the boy up on his feet and leaning against his bed frame.

“They were just helping me out,” he says, eyes sincere. James and Sirius watch Remus
warily.

“Yeah, with your big secret maybe.”

Sirius goes wide eyed, flicking his gaze between the two of them like they’re about to fight.
But Remus doesn’t look angry at him.

“Yep,” he shrugs. “With my big secret.”

Oh. Well that wasn’t so hard.

“What?!” Sirius walks towards Remus. “You’re just gonna tell him?” He freaks like Peter
isn’t standing a few feet away. “I had to—“

“Sirius, if you didn’t ambush me that day and tell me you knew, I wouldn’t even be
considering it. It’s because of you I’m even able to do this, and Peter’s a good person,
alright?” Remus states. He gestures his head to Sirius’ bed. “Just sit, I trust Peter, and I’ve got
it under control. James isn’t protesting, is he?”

Sirius slowly backs down, face a bit red in embarrassment. He sits.

Peter would laugh at it if he wasn’t annoyed, so he swallows it down and looks at Remus
expectantly. This whole thing really does confirm they’ve been in on something that he isn’t,
which hurts. He thought at least James would tell him if not the others.

Remus clears his throat. “You know how I sort of leave every once in a while?”

Peter nods. “Yeah, you say you’re visiting home, but I haven’t believed that in months.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I’m not that stupid. But go on.”

Remus makes his lips into a thin line and looks at a loss for words again. “Okay…Um. Well,
yeah, I’m not going home. The truth is…” He pauses and grimaces, glancing around. “Um.
So. Once a month, the moon is full.”

“…And?”

He groans, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, I’ve only admitted it to James and it was…not in the
best circumstances. When the moon is…y’know, full. That’s when I’m always gone. Because
certain things happen…to me…I guess.”

“Like what?”

Remus looks a bit reluctant to say whatever he has to say, but he continues. “Like…a
transformation. Under the moon. Full moons only. It’s a furry sort of…situation. Y’know.”

Peter’s jaw goes slack. “No, you’re lying,” he denies.

“…I’m not. Why would I lie about that?”

He looks at Remus, the shortest and skinniest boy in this room, the one who is currently
having trouble standing. A Werewolf, right, okay.
 Peter laughs, shaking his head. “There’s no way, you’re all little, you’re not a Werewolf.”

“You’re barely taller than I am!” Remus complains. “And I didn’t think I’d have to prove
myself, thought you’d kind of get it.”

He can hardly believe it, but he decides to just take it because it’s a more interesting excuse
than ‘we were outside’. “So what? Your mum’s fine then?”

“Uh…” Remus mumbles, blinking down at the floor. “No. But that’s not impor—well it is, of
course it is, it really really is. But listen, Peter,” he says, and he gets closer. “You can’t tell
anybody, I just trusted you with really important secret information that no one else can
know. Got it?”

Peter shrugs. “Sure…”

Honestly, until he sees some sort of evidence, he isn’t sure he believes him just yet. It feels so
outlandish, and this entire exchange was too easy. Werewolves are dangerous, Remus is the
furthest from that. If anyone were to secretly be a Werewolf in this group, it’d probably be
James since he’s so loud.

“I’m serious, don’t mention it, don’t suggest it, do not tell anyone. Are you good at keeping
secrets?”

“I’m alright.”

“Get better then,” Remus mutters, almost darkly. “Be the best secret keeper in the world, I
need you to know how important to me it is that you don’t tell anyone.”

“Okay!” Peter exclaims with his hands up in the air. “Merlin, I got it.”

Remus backs away with a nod and walks back to his bed with a slight limp.

James clears his throat, purposely trying to catch everyone’s attention. “Heyy, we’re all on
the same page now.”

“Only took almost two years,” Sirius says quietly.

———

Chapter End Notes

So, yeah. Literally the entire purpose of this was just to end all of these secrets between
the boys. Over 100k in! Sirius being so petty that everyone else just gets told the truth
kinda kills me. Anyway! Hope you enjoyed :)
 Second Year: Like Fate
Chapter Summary

Regulus and Remus get annoyed.

Chapter Notes

Second chapter of the day!

CWs at the end note but they’re minor.

Words: 4.5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

MARCH 20, 1973

It’s fairly early in the day, and Regulus finds himself exhausted for no particular reason. He
has always had sleeping problems, leaving him with heavy purple bags under his eyes since
he was a kid, but this is different. Regulus is genuinely finding it hard to focus and stay
awake at the minute.

Perhaps it’s due to the nature of this class, a pale dead ghost mumbling history he already
knows while everyone else tries to frantically transcribe what he’s saying. Regulus doesn’t
have to, because like he said, he already knows it.

He can’t remember the moment he dozed off last night, but he does recall the waking portion.
It was sudden and jarring, leaving him disoriented.

Regulus hates to get his elbows up on the desk, but he needs something to prop himself up
with before he slumps over. With a quiet sigh, Regulus pushes his cheek into his palm and
lets his eyes flutter shut.

He doesn’t sleep, he would never sleep in public, that leaves him entirely vulnerable. No, he
is completely aware of his surroundings, so when he hears the slight squeaking of a chair
next to him, his eyes shoot open.

Typically, Regulus sits by himself in the back because it’s easier to spectate this way. He can
get in their heads just from the anxious foot tapping or thumb rubbing on the wooden grain of
the table. People are easy to read.

This class is unnecessary and dull anyway, just pick up a book like everyone else. That might
be asking too much though, especially from people like the boy who’s just decided he’s
entitled to the chair beside him.

He’s glaring at dark skin and miraculously natural blonde curls on one Evan Rosier. When
he’d first arrived here, he assumed Crouch’s son would be the biggest issue, but no, he was
wrong for once. It’s this kid, Pandora’s twin. How one ended up mildly tolerable and the
other the complete opposite is beyond him. Evan’s older by fifteen minutes, maybe in those
fifteen minutes, she got the brain.

“Did I say you could sit here?” Regulus mutters rudely.

Evan just blinks and tilts his head at him like a stupid dog. “Nope.”

He feels his eyes start to droop again, so he swipes a hand over his face and lets out a slow
breath. “You’ve got some audacity, Rosier, I mean it. Why don’t you go back and sit with
Junior over there?” He gestures to Barty, who’s pushing his chair to see how far back he can
tilt it before falling. Moron.

“He was being mean to me,” Evan sighs, dipping his quill in the inkpot he apparently carried
over, writing notes like Regulus isn’t trying to glare a hole into his head.

“Because I’ve extended buckets of kindness to you, yeah?”

Evan shrugs, pushing his lips forward and continuing to scribble notes out in terrible
handwriting. “No. But he likes poking me, and he never has any notes to give me because he
says he knows everything already. I hate taking notes.”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “Great. Come annoy me because you want notes since you can’t read
your own penmanship,” he says. “Well, bad news, blondie. I don’t have an inch of notes for
you.”

“Blondie,” Evan chuckles. “Hate me all you want, guess who’s giving me nicknames?”

His chest goes tight at the word nickname. Sirius always tries nicknames, Reg the most
notorious of them all. There isn’t a single nickname he likes for himself, his name is good as
it is. That was not a nickname.

Regulus scoffs. “It was an insult.”

“Not a fan of blondes?”

“No.”

Evan raises his brows. “Your cousin’s blonde. Still not a fan?”

“Correct.”
“And my sister?”

Regulus shrugs. “She’s okay.”

He whistles long and low, already given up on writing entirely. Like his brain can’t multitask
or something. “You’re faker than fake, Black. You talk all the time! I oughta tell her that.”

Regulus has this urge to knock over his inkwell into his lap, but he’s stronger than that. He
prevails. The thing is, Narcissa is… fine…he supposes. However, she got engaged, and Sirius
got a lovely hair chop, so now they look the same to outsiders. People have come up to him
thinking he’s Sirius, as if he’s not wearing a Slytherin uniform. People are just that dense
now.

It’d been a long time since either of them had been punished, even with Walburga’s
instruction, he made sure to not be present for it. If he was in Sirius’ place—although he
would never let his hair get that long—he’d refuse as well. So what if a cousin is getting
married, what’s that got to do with him and his hair? Whatever, Sirius was loud about it, so
their mother must have been particularly angry about the whole thing.

He blames it on Malfoy more, the man who actually proposed. Also a blonde.

Regulus realizes he’s gone quiet in thought, but he doesn’t actually care. He blinks away the
memories of that night, the muffled sounds through the walls making him shift in his seat.

He’s not very tired anymore, just in a mood.

Weirdly enough, he wishes Pandora were here. She’s smarter and more interesting than Evan
is by a mile.

Their ‘friendship’ is a bit out of the ordinary, with him agreeing to get to know her only
because of a certain quirk of hers. He had no reason to believe her, not when the magic is
described by many as phony, except he did. Kids make things up all the time, but she was
serious.

That day in the library, she had told him she could offer him the future.

Of course, Regulus called her ridiculous, real Seers are such a rarity they’re near impossible
to find. Pandora said she could predict things before they happened and feel people’s auras.

“That sounds made up,” Regulus had said.

They were taking a walk around the castle to test this apparent ‘ability’ of hers. Pandora
stopped and pointed towards a student walking in the hall.

“That boy there will trip in a few seconds,” she remarked in her light, airy tone.

Lo and behold, he did, embarrassingly so. Regulus scoffed at it. “There’s a nick in the floor,
anyone could have guessed that. Be more specific.”
She crossed her arms and shut her eyes tight, concentrating hard. It took a minute, but she
eventually opened her eyes and pointed at the doors of the Great Hall. “In twenty seconds,
your brother’s friend will burst through those doors and trip over that same nick in the
ground.”

“Oh, come on,” Regulus muttered, watching the doors with her in the shadows.

He counted up in his head, all the way up to eighteen, nineteen, twenty—

The doors get pushed open, revealing James Potter, his brother, and the smaller twat. They
were laughing quite loudly, when Potter went stumbling, nearly falling on his face.

“Hah!” Sirius cackled, pointing down at Potter. “You idiot.”

“Shut up, there’s a stupid dent in the floor!” James whined, adjusting his glasses and getting
back to his feet, face red. “Peter would’ve tripped if he was there.”

They began to fade out, voices getting quieter.

“Why me? Why not Sirius?”

“Well, he’s too suave to fall over…”

Regulus blinked and looked at Pandora with a slight slack jaw. It was hard to believe, but
harder to fake what he just saw. “You’re genuine about this then?”

“Of course I am,” Pandora said. “Only an idiot would fake being a Seer.”

“So…what’s an aura then?” He asked. “You said you could feel people’s auras.”

She went a bit sheepish, shoulders shrinking into herself. “It’s a bit dark. It’s just…the closer
people are to death, the more I can feel it.”

“What’s that mean, feel it?”

“Sense it,” she clarified. “The way you can sense if it’s hot or cold. Being around older
people is hard.”

Regulus almost shuddered, it must’ve felt awful to know someone was closer to dying than
others. Out of the blue, he got the urge to ask about himself. He felt anyone would be at least
a little curious.

“What about me then?” He wondered.

Pandora paused, staring at him for a long while. He almost said to forget it because it had
made him so uncomfortable.

“I don’t feel it,” she said with a small smile.

Regulus often wonders why Pandora had decided to tell him her ability as a means to creating
a friendship. He’s usually smarter with figuring these things out.

A week later, it’s Potter’s birthday, and by Salazar, he makes a spectacle of himself. It’s such
an annoyance in the Great Hall he almost considers breaking his silent treatment to Narcissa
just to complain about it. The silent treatment is simply because of her engagement.

Nonetheless, Potter has taken to jumping up on the table—a common trait of annoying
Gryffindors—and announcing that he’s thirteen years old. So what?

Regulus had his twelfth birthday in January and it was just like any other day.

He swallows the last bit of food he’ll be having for breakfast, because any more and he might
throw up somewhere. He pulls his bag over his shoulder and begins to walk out. In fact, he
nearly makes it when somehow, somehow, Potter makes it there first, skidding across the
smooth tiles like he’s on ice.

“Hello, Regulus!” He grins. Regulus lowers his brows and glares, hoping he’ll get the
message and move on his own. He doesn’t. “You didn’t wish me a happy birthday,” Potter
remarks with a quirk of his head.

Regulus stares at the bespectacled dunce. “Yeah, I wasn’t planning on it. Move, I’m trying to
leave.”

“Don’t think so.” He scoots over, blocking the door further. “Say happy birthday first.”

“No,” Regulus scoffs, he’s not giving in that easily.

Potter shrugs nonchalantly. “Alright, guess you won’t be going. When do you turn twelve,
Regulus?”

“I did already,” he grumbles. “I’ll hex you, you walking nightmare. How does Sirius even
deal with you?”

“What? When’s your birth—AGH!”

Regulus performed a quick Jelly-Legs jinx in the middle of his sentence and watches him
collapse to the floor. With a satisfied hum, he steps over his body to the door.

“Why’d you do that?!” Potter panics, staring down at his wobbly legs stretched out before
him. “That wasn’t nice!”

He blinks, noticing a great handful of others are staring at them. “I said I would.”

Regulus pushes the door open and leaves, fairly satisfied with himself. He didn’t know he
could perform that jinx successfully, and he’s done it on someone he can’t stand.
Good on him. Let him learn the consequences of his actions for once. He hopes Sirius saw it.

———

“Your brother’s a jerk,” James declares with fully functioning legs. He hops off the Hospital
Wing’s bed and rubs out the wrinkles in his clothes.

Sirius sighs, having no input for that statement, really. He got the full story from James since
he only watched from afar, and it was very Regulus. He never used to be like that, insults
were emptier and meant nothing to him. Over time, he became blunt and started just doing
things.

“Sorry about that,” he says on their way out. “Hope that didn’t mess the whole day up.”

James waves a hand dismissively. “Nah, it’s alright. Just didn’t expect it! You should feel
what that jinx is like, it’s like my bones were made of—“

“Jelly?”

“Yeah!” He exclaims. “Guess the name fits. Y’know, I thought Regulus’ whole I’m so mean
thing was sort of an act.”

Sirius chuckles. “Oh no, he’s actually just terribly rude. All the time.”

James hums in agreement. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen the bloke smile. Permanent scowl,
really. Has he ever smiled?”

He purses his lips in thought, trying to recall the last time he saw Regulus make a real smile.
“During holiday break, I made a joke. He sort of twitched.”

“…Twitched?”

“Mhm.”

James shakes his head. “That’s mad. I couldn’t go months without cracking a smile.”

“Why?” Sirius says. “I’m too funny?”

He snorts. “Yeah, that’s it.”

“Shut up…Happy birthday.”

“Mm, that’s what I thought.”

They walk the corridors and just talk, they’ve got a long day of celebrating James’ existence
ahead of them. In a few hours they’re going to sneak out and go flying while Remus and
Peter head underground to Honeydukes to steal some sweets.
That invisibility cloak is seriously coming in handy, Sirius wishes they had it last term, they
could have gotten away with way more than they did. Maybe he wouldn’t have landed in
detention so often.

“Oi, Evans!” James calls ahead suddenly. Sirius looks ahead at the back of flaming red hair
and Alice at the girl’s side.

Lily stops in her tracks, he can almost hear her sigh from here. She turns slowly with a
greatly inconvenienced expression on. “What do you want?” She exhausts.

James grins. “Didn’t get these two words from you today, don’t you know what day it is?”

“I think everyone does at this point,” Lily grumbles. “C’mon Alice.”

“Hey, I said it to you, you should return the favor,” James says.

Sirius glances at Alice who looks as confused as he does for what to do here. She catches his
eyes and shrugs.

“You’re not entitled to anything from me.”

James pouts. “Oh, come on, I just got my legs un-jellied. Just do this one thing for me.”

“No!”

“Two words, Evans.”

“N—“

“Just two words!”

“You—“

“Please?”

“Potter—“

“Pretty please?”

“Happy birthday you impetulant maddening sod!” Lily shrieks, turning on her heel and
strutting away, Alice scrambling in tow. “God!”

James smiles with a hum, apparently satisfied with her spew of insults. “Do you mean
Godric?” He calls.

She whips her head back. “No!”

He chuckles. “Thank you!”

Sirius blinks amusedly, turning back to James. “Are you mad?” He laughs. “My brother and
now Lily, you’re gonna drive someone up a wall, I mean it.”
James waves him off. “Ah, it’s all in good fun. She enjoyed that.”

“If you’re sure…” Sirius muses before they continue their journey back up to the Gryffindor
common room.

There’s something about the way James acts around Lily that he’s noticed for a while now.
It’s like he tunnel visions and it’s just them two in the room arguing. He annoys her
purposely, which is a strange dynamic to Sirius. They aren’t friends, Sirius isn’t even sure
they like each other. Or maybe just Lily doesn’t. Honestly? It’s hard to tell.

He thinks about that look he caught James giving Lily that day in detention, one he wasn’t
meant to see. That day was quite busy with him finding out Remus’ condition, but for some
reason that moment has stuck with him.

There’s something about them he just can’t place.

———

Before they head out, Remus pulls on the jumper his mum sent him for his birthday a couple
weeks ago. He’d been nervous to wear it at first, but he knows she’d feel better if he got the
comfort from it that she’d made it for.

He opened it alone after his roommates had gone to sleep because he knew he’d cry. It came
with a small note as well, saying how much she loves him, how thirteen is such a big number.
Hope’s been on treatment for a bit over a month now, so she must have kept herself busy with
knitting this just for him.

It’s a neutral green with some light brown horizontal stripes, but it’s made with a soft thick
material that feels like a hug. He’d do anything to go home and get a real hug from her, but
for now, he’s stuck huddling under an invisibility cloak with a bag at his waist to steal candy.

All four of them along with James and Sirius’ brooms under here make a tight fit, so they
shuffle very slowly all the way down to the mirror on the fourth floor. That’s alright with
Remus, slow is good, less on his joints. However, he did get his toes stepped on about six
separate times.

He and Peter unravel themselves from the cloak and quickly climb in the mirror hole. Remus
hears the other two giggling right before the mirror is shut.

“Alright!” Peter exclaims, starting to make his way through the tunnel. “You think they
restocked the Cauldron Cakes? I’ve been dying for one of ‘em.”

Remus walks alongside him using his wand to light the way. “Probably did, we haven’t been
here in a while.”
“Yeah, I can’t wait for next year when we can have Hogsmeade weekends for real,” Peter
says. “We can see more of the shops and break the law a bit less.”

He chuckles at that. Sometimes he forgets that this is totally illegal since they’ve all done it
so many times at this point.

“So, question,” Peter starts. He narrows his eyes at him. “You’re a Werewolf, yes?”

Remus glances at him oddly. Peter’s known for a while now, it’s just a random question.
“Yeah…and?”

“That’s mad,” he says. “Like you really transform into a big dog on a full moon. Does that
hurt?”

“We should just keep going.”

“Well, I don’t mean it in a rude way,” Peter comments, moving his wand between each hand.
“Cause you just seem so un-Werewolfy to me. Other than the scars, I suppose.”

Remus stops walking abruptly, watching Peter be oblivious of the fact until the light doesn’t
follow him. He looks back.

“What?”

He blinks and shakes his head, trudging through the tunnel after him. “Why do you think I
wanna talk about these things? I’m not exactly proud of what I am.”

Peter shrugs. “I dunno, you told me, can’t I be a little curious? I look at the news sometimes,
and it’s always saying these terrible things about your kind. But you’re not like that, so it’s
cool.”

“Well, I’m glad my lycanthropy is so cool to you,” Remus mutters sarcastically. “Anything
else?”

“I’m not being rude, am I?” Peter asks, and he sounds sincere. So whatever.

“No,” he sighs.

“Okay, good. I just didn’t know about these things!” He exclaims. “Honestly, I thought you
could only be a Werewolf if you were a grown up. You see so many things about them
attacking kids, but you never think, ‘what if the kids survived?’ Like you.”

“Mhm.”

Peter keeps going, and it’s gotten irritating to the point where Remus considers jelly-legging
him like Regulus did James and going the rest of the way on his own.

“Where do you go for that sort of thing? Oh, is it the shrieking shack? I heard that only got
put there when we came in, that would make sense. That’s kinda cool, you get a house.”
Remus inhales deeply, seeing the end of the tunnel and thanking whoever’s above that it’ll be
over soon enough.

“Yeah, I guess. Boost me up,” he says blankly, waiting for Peter’s hands.

He nods, shuffling and making his palms into a cup shape. “Is it the shrieking shack though?”

“Just let me concentrate on getting up, Pete,” he mumbles, placing a foot in his hands and
pushing upwards. He hardly reaches the top, but he cannot stand being down there at the
moment. Peter’s curious and unaware that he’s being invasive, but that doesn’t mean he has
to like it.

Shrieking shack, he’s heard whispers of it. People think it’s haunted because of the noises that
come from it every once in a while. Nope. Just him.

He taps his wand up into the planks to find the loose one and pushes it up to the side. This is
going to kill his arms, he thinks.

Remus hops and catches himself on the flooring, now dangling up in the air. “Peter, could
you just—“ He strains, feeling himself slipping.

His shoes get pushed up higher with a slight shove and he gets a better grip, eventually
getting his legs up on the wood. With a heaving sigh, he finally stands up, grabs his lit wand,
and checks that his jumper is still entirely intact, and it is. Good, he doesn’t know what he’d
do if it wasn’t.

“Make sure you get Cauldron Cakes!” Peter shouts from below.

“Yeah, I’m getting it, don’t worry,” Remus says, creeping his way to the front and unlocking
Zonko’s door. He peeks his head outside, finding it entirely empty since it’s late and all the
shops are closed. Good, because he’s in the middle of breaking the law for some snacks.

He dashes down the street to Honeydukes and uses an unlocking charm on it. It’s a bit silly to
have non-reinforced locks in a place where you can use one simple spell to undo it. But
whatever. One glance back, and he’s in.

Remus makes his way around the store pretty quickly, first tossing three Cauldron Cake
packages in. He grabs Fizzing Whizbees, some Liquorice Wands, a Chocolate Frog reserved
for Sirius, and a mass amount of other sweets too.

In one spot, he sees just a regular chocolate bar on a stand. It’s so ordinary, but he takes it
anyway. He can give this to James, he’ll know what it means.

Once the bag is fully stuffed, he goes back the way he came and drops it down to Peter. The
fall back down stings his knees and he gets up with a grumble.

“Alright, the bar and frog is meant for James and Sirius, everything else is game.”

Peter moves the wrappers around in the bag, squealing in delight when he finds three
Cauldron Cakes. “Brilliant! We can put some of these on the actual cake too.”
Luckily for them, Sirius already brought it up and put a cooling charm on it, meaning no
more extra walking. Thank Merlin for him.

“You think they’ll go along with the plan and be here with the cloak by the time we’re back?”
He wonders about halfway through.

“Mm…I hope so,” Peter says. “I don’t want Mrs. Norris spotting us and going to Filch. Then
we’d have to run for it, I hate running.”

“Feel ya there.”

Peter seems to have gotten his mind off his condition for now, thankfully. Those few minutes
kind of made Remus want to bang his head into the dirt walls until he got the message to
keep his mouth shut. Yeah, ask if the shrieking shack is his Wolf’s residence, that’ll land
well.

He’ll keep his eye out for what Peter says from now on.

They make it back to the mirror’s entrance and listen out for any voices, hearing none.
Remus groans internally, but maybe they’re just keeping quiet. He lightly knocks on the
mirror and …nothing.

“They’re not here,” Remus sighs, rubbing a hand down his face. “Fantastic.”

Peter grimaces. “Maybe we could just run for it. I mean…what are the odds we get caught by
one dumb cat?”

“Low, I guess. This castle is pretty big.”

“Exactly,” Peter says nervously, hesitantly moving towards the mirror and pushing it out.
Remus follows him and soon they’re back in the hallway, no evil cat in sight.

One of the paintings nearby decides to scare the hell out of him by shouting, “Will you turn
that light down, young man?!”

Remus silently fumes. “Nox,” he mumbles, then waves his wand at the stupid portrait. “Will
you shut it?” He hisses, tapping it’s frame.

“Not my fault you’ve woken me up,” the painted man mutters and crosses his arms.

Remus hits the frame once more with the tip of his wand and quietly makes his way through
the painting-filled hallway with Peter. They easily make it up the first two connected flights,
leaving them just one floor left. Good for them, though, the staircase has decided to move
elsewhere.

“Did you see where it went?” Remus whispers.

Peter shakes his head very quickly. He’s getting more frightened by the minute.
There’s the clacking of footsteps echoing through the hallway suddenly, and Peter near
squeaks in alarm. Remus urges him away from the empty stairs entrance and as far from the
sound as possible. That definitely wasn’t a cat.

The only problem with moving so much is that they have a bag filled with plastic wrappers.
They are the furthest thing from quiet right now.

The footsteps get closer very quickly, and Remus begins to panic as well. He glances over his
shoulder as their fast-paced walking starts to move into a jog.

Just find the staircase. Stupid staircase, stupid James’ birthday, stupid Hogsmeade.

He can still hear the steps, oh this is exhausting.

“Okay, just run!” Peter yelps, breaking out into a mad dash, not even bothering to look back
for him.

Remus makes an incomprehensible noise and starts to pick up the pace, but he really doesn’t
want to run. Nope, the footsteps are closer, he’s running with a disgruntled sigh.

Peter is long gone. He’s got no clue where he is at this point. Remus also can’t find this
stupid staircase.

He turns a corner, bad idea. It’s a dead end, and at the furthest point stands that stupid cat.

“Shit,” he mumbles, whipping around jumping at Filch right behind him.

“Caught one,” Filch croaks down at him with a toothy smile.

Remus takes a few steps back to look him in the face. “I’m really sorry sir, I was just on my
way to—“

“Cause some trouble eh? You and the other marauders, always comin’ round and wreaking
havoc. Where are they?”

Remus furrows his brows. “They’re up in the dorm, sir. I was coming back from the Hospital
Wing, but you frightened me.”

Filch squints at him and purses his lips. “Oh, you and your… situation, yes. And if I went to
Madam Pomfrey right now and told her what you’ve just said. What then?”

He doesn’t hesitate to reply, “She’d say I was coming back from the Hospital Wing. Sir.” He
doesn’t believe Pomfrey would rat him out like that, they’ve been through a lot every month.
She must care for him in some way that goes beyond the job.

“Yeah, alright,” he snarls. “You go back to where you came from, and I’ll be havin’ a chat
with Pomfrey. If you’re lyin’, I’ll have ya.”

Remus nods quickly, sidestepping and moving past the man. “Okay, well, she’ll tell you the
same thing I said. Goodnight, sir.”
 “Never a good night…”

He nods some more, backing off and making his way to the staircase further down the hall. It
must’ve moved again, it wasn’t there a minute ago.

His back hurts from running, but he eventually gets up to the tower and into the portrait hole.
Apparently, the other three were already there waiting for him. James and Sirius pop their
heads up from the couch and scramble over to him. Peter is sitting sheepishly on one of the
armchairs.

“Are you alright?” Is the first thing Sirius asks.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Remus says.

James grits his teeth. “Did Filch get you?”

He makes a ‘sort of’ face. “I just lied and said I was coming from the Hospital Wing. He let
me go.”

James lets out a breath in relief, patting him on the shoulder. “Oh, good. I’d feel terrible if our
mess up made you get into trouble.”

“Yeah, really sorry, Remus,” Sirius says as they walk back to the couches. “We thought you
would’ve come back already, so we went through the window again.”

“It’s okay.”

He keeps his distance from Peter for now, he’s not on his good side today. The bag of candy
sits in the center of them all beside the cake, and it’s unopened like they’ve been waiting.

Remus grabs and opens the bag, taking the Chocolate Frog out and handing it to Sirius. “This
is for you,” he says. Sirius takes it and smiles down at his lap. “And technically all of this is
yours, but this is specifically for you.” He takes the chocolate bar and extends it out to
James.

James doesn’t take it immediately, but he smiles first, pulling Remus in for a hug. “Good
lad,” he remarks, taking the bar from him.

“Happy birthday, James.”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: references to abuse

Wowwee look at that finally getting to learn what happened in the library with Regulus
and Pandora! Their storyline is fun (depending on what you’d consider fun) so I hope ur
ready. Writing his internal monologue is very fun because he’s so mean. And so
judgmental. There’s sprinkles of Other things here and there with Regulus, but we don’t
see him again for a while.

James has a birthday and he is sooo annoying about it, I love him dearly. And then Peter.
Listen, he’s just a little guy who doesn’t understand what a boundary is, and it totally
gets on Remus’ nerves here. But anyway, hope you liked this :)!
 Second Year: Sore Loser
Chapter Summary

James and Marlene go head to head in the last match of the season!

Chapter Notes

Sports.

Also, second to last chapter of the year before a very not at all eventful summer.

Words: 4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

MAY 18, 1973

The past couple of months have been calm by James’ standards. There have been pranks here
and there, and late March he played his second ever Quidditch match against the Hufflepuffs.
They played decently, but Gryffindor won pretty quickly. He didn’t get a big moment like he
did in the first game, which disappointed him. The attention he got was just something else.

He supposes he should be thankful for the lack of drama there has been, especially when the
first half of term was loaded with it. Now he’s been able to cause problems with a mostly
clear head, throwing the occasional little charm at an unsuspecting student or Snivellus.
James likes quietly using the tongue twister charm while somebody’s in the middle of
answering a question, that’s always a funny one.

Anyway, the final match of the year is soon, Gryffindor against Ravenclaw. This one he’s
way more excited for because he gets to beat Marlene McKinnon, who promised to kick his
arse. Like he’s going to let that happen. Goodwin’s pushing them hard, it’s her final game as
a captain and student, she wants to make it count. He hopes he doesn’t let her down, she’s
been a fantastic captain even if she does push them. But the idea of beating out Marlene
motivates him even more.

Right now, he and Sirius make their way into the Hospital Wing with a tray of food from the
Great Hall. The full moon was last night, and James is starting to get used to all of this. Take
notes for Remus when he’s gone, get him food at dinner time, help him back to the dorm.
It’s a bit like a routine now.

Remus smiles and waves at them as they enter the room. He must be getting used to it as
well.

“Two sandwiches, chips, a slice of pie, and pumpkin juice for one Mr. Remus Lupin!” Sirius
exclaims jokingly, settling the tray down beside the bed. “We’re good aren’t we?”

James nods affirmatively. “Yes, very good work, Sirius.”

Remus chuckles, grabbing at the first sandwich. “How do you two even sneak all this out?
Surely someone saw you.”

“Yeah, but…” Sirius shrugs. “Maybe they think it’s for a joke. We do lots of those.”

“We do.”

“Do you two share a brain or something?” Remus mumbles around a big bite of roasted
turkey, lettuce, and cheese. “I feel like…the longer you know each other, the more your
minds merge into one. Soon enough you’ll be finishing each other's sentences.”

Sirius gasps, snapping at that. “We should try that! James, say something but not all of it.”

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes in an attempt to connect their brain waves or…
something. “Next week I am going to…”

Sirius squints. “…Kick Marlene’s Ravenclaw butt in Quidditch!”

“Oh, we’re so connected!” James cheers with an excited clap. “You do one.”

“Ummm, I really wish I…”

James holds eye contact with Sirius and concentrates as hard as he can. “Get to see me kick
Marlene’s Ravenclaw butt in Quidditch…?”

“Yeah!”

“Really?”

“Nope!”

“Oh…” He slumps over in disappointment.

Remus shakes his head amusedly. “It’s like watching two toddlers learn to walk,” he says,
popping a chip in his mouth.

“Not true,” Sirius grumbles. “I was an early walker, I had strong baby legs.”

“My mum says it took me sixteen months,” James remarks.

Remus hums. “Maybe it’s because you were destined to be on a broom. Crawling position is
a lot like broom position.”

“You know what…” James says, a smile growing on him. “That is so genius. I think you’re
right. It’s not so far off, either. My dad plopped me down on a tiny broom when I was three
and the world was never the same. Best decision he ever made.”

“There’s no chance your mum was alright with that,” Sirius laughs. “Tiny baby James on a
broomstick. Surprised you didn’t fall and hit your head.”

“I could’ve, I would never know. Maybe it would explain some things.”

Remus and Sirius break out into a fit giggles, Remus covering his mouth and curling into
himself.

“Yeah, I’m funny, laugh it up,” James boasts. That earns him a sharp slap to the arm from
Sirius.

“You and that ego.”

James scoffs playfully. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Remus, I don’t have an ego,
right?”

The boy looks at him silently with wide eyes, glancing over at Sirius then back to him. “Do
you want an honest answer?”

“Honesty is the best policy, really. But no.”

“Alright, then no. You’re so humble and grounded,” Remus chuckles into his goblet of juice.

Sirius quickly mutters, “Yeah, he’s definitely grounded from falling on his head at three.”

“You—!” James gapes while Remus chokes a laugh. “You don’t even know if that’s true. You
just made it up and now you’re using it against me!”

“I felt so Regulus saying that,” Sirius says. “It was like I got possessed. Sorry mate.”

“Yeah, I’d fight you, but we’re in a healthcare center.”

Remus rolls his eyes with a smile. “Best place for it, really. But you’re both ridiculous—and
lucky Madam Pomfrey’s starting to like you. We’re probably disturbing the peace.”

“Well, I just do that wherever I go, so…” James says, trailing off.

The rest of their conversation is just as meaningless and ridiculous, but James enjoys it. It’s
nice getting to mess around without any underlying tension or edge. Once the boundary of
Remus’ condition was crossed, everything seems to have gotten easier. He hopes it stays that
way.
 —

MAY 26, 1973

Today’s the day James is going to fly circles around Marlene and her Bludgers. He’s
stretched his limbs out in their dorm already and is now stuffing his face with a massive
breakfast.

He’s donning his Quidditch uniform already, sans the helmet at his side. James continues to
scarf down sausages and eggs like his life depends on it. Maybe it does.

Sirius watches him go at it with an entertained expression. “Merlin, if you were at my house
right now…”

Peter chuckles. “You’re gonna throw up on the pitch, mate! You should be careful.”

“Protein’s good for you,” James says, but it comes out more like ‘pwoteen’s gud fou you’
amongst all the food puffing his cheeks out. He swallows it all down in one big gulp. “I can’t
throw up. I’m too good for that.”

Remus pushes the food on his own plate around, commenting, “I think you’re nervous,
James.”

“I am not! I’m so confident I’m gonna—“

“Gonna what?” A higher voice chimes in behind him. James turns and spots Marlene decked
in all blue with her hands on her hips. She’s got her hair up in a ponytail and a raised brow.

“Oh, I was just talking about how humiliated you’re going to be by the end of this,” James
quips, turning around on the bench to face her. “I’ve been flying way longer than you, you
don’t stand a chance.”

Marlene smirks. “Aw, it’s cute how you think that. Unfortunately, someone’s gotta bring you
down to earth, which I’ll do with a nasty Bludger! Good luck, Potter. You’ll be needing it.”

With that, she pivots on her heel and leaves the Great Hall. Which reminds James he really
has to finish up soon.

He gets himself seated right again, but finds Sirius looking at the tall doors like Marlene’s
still in here.

“She can’t be a Ravenclaw,” Sirius declares.

Remus furrows his brows at Sirius. “She’s near top of our year and is the top in Charms. Why
wouldn’t she be a Ravenclaw?”
“Because!” He whines. “She’s so like…spunky. I thought Ravenclaws were a bunch of nerdy
bookworms. But that’s what you are, so maybe I’ve switched it by mistake.”

Remus goes visibly pink, playfully shoving Sirius. “Shut up! I’m not a nerd.”

Sirius laughs, shoving him back. “Are too.”

“No, I skip class all the time. Hardly nerd behavior.”

“Well yeah, that’s cause you get moony,” Sirius giggles.

“That’s not what that word means,” Remus corrects. Sirius shoots him a look, making Remus
go even pinker. “Shut up.”

James taps his fork against his goblet impatiently. “Uh, hello? Earth to you two, I’ve got a big
day ahead and I’m going!”

Sirius starts repeatedly bowing his head and hands down in a mockery of him. How dare he?
“Oh, I apologize King James. I will polish your shoes and worship the ground you walk on!”
He straightens himself out and does a sort of ‘toodaloo’ gesture with his fingers. “Good
luck!”

Peter and Remus echo him as James hops up, nearly tripping on his robes. “Thank you!” He
calls while running off to start his journey to the tent on the Quidditch field.

His broom is already waiting there once he bursts through the tent’s flaps. The lovely, lovely
Cleansweep Seven all polished and perfect leaning against one of the benches.

Frank’s pulling on his boots excitedly chatting with Eric and turns on the bench to speak to
him. “James! You feel ready?” He asks.

James pulls on his leather gloves and picks up his broom by its sleek wooden handle. “My
friends don’t call me James Game Ready Potter for no reason.”

The two of them bark a laugh. “No one calls you that,” Eric says with a cheeky grin.

“No, Peter does. He has.”

“Right, okay,” Frank remarks, finishing the lace on his shoe. “I hear the little Beater’s got it
out for you, so I’d watch it.”

He chuckles at ‘little Beater’ despite the fact that Marlene is hardly shorter than he is. “I
don’t have to worry about her, I’m way better than she is.”

“Not denying that,” Eric says. “Have you seen her play, though?”

“Well…no,” he mumbles. “I mean I have in Flying class, but never in a game.”

Now that he thinks on it, Marlene is quite impressive. Most notably, he remembers watching
her dive in from afar and block that Bludger heading for Lily with perfect precision. That just
isn’t fair, she can’t be good at everything. Surely there’s something she doesn’t excel in.

Frank raises his brows and gets to his feet, broom in hand. “Still, be careful. And play good
today,” he smirks, patting James on the shoulder while heading towards the back for the pep
talk from Goodwin.

James makes a mocking face behind his back and ruffles up his hair. He doesn’t need to be
told to play good, that’s all he does. He also wishes he’d hit a growth spurt already so Frank
can stop being so much taller than him. Are there growing potions? He’s the biggest of his
roommates, but that isn’t saying much. Sirius is almost his equal while Remus and Peter are
never going to catch up.

He wants to be intimidating like Frank can be, right now he must look like a lap dog who can
at best pull a weak scowl. One day he’ll be big and strong like…Theodore Fog for example.
He’s cool, and he’s tall. Peak man, if he’s honest.

James blinks a few times, confused at why his brain is trailing off. He needs to be focused.
Game ready.

He pulls on his helmet and moves up beside Frank to listen to Basil Goodwin’s final pep talk
of the season. Her jet black hair is spikier than usual.

“The Ravenclaws are harder to beat than you’d think,” she lectures while pacing. “They
strategize, they’re not like the Slytherins who like diving for the kill or the Hufflepuffs who
rely on teamwork. Keep this in mind for today, they play tricks.” Goodwin mentions who
they all have to look out for, James getting mention of Marlene. A couple of the older players
snicker at how his biggest threat is a twelve year old girl, but he tries to ignore that.

“Overall, I need you all to stay focused, but also don’t lose sight of the game. This is my last
game here, I want you to make it count,” she says sternly. “We’re gonna have a good game,
got it?” Goodwin holds her arm out for a hand-stack and the rest of the team joins her.

James cheers and throws his hands up with everyone else before lining up to be called out on
the field. His adrenaline is going now, everyone’s gonna be watching since it’s the last game
of the year. He can’t mess it up. James does not crack under pressure.

He lets out a slow breath waiting for Benjy Fenwick to call out the Gryffindor team. Eric
leans over and whispers, “You’re gonna do great,” to comfort him. James just quickly nods
once in response.

“For the final match of the season!” He hears Benjy announce from a distance. “Please
welcome our Gryffindor team!”

He follows the rest of the team out, immediately blinded by the light of the sun and the
complete lack of clouds. His eyes quickly adjust, and the stands are packed. There’s hardly an
empty spot, oh Merlin, everyone’s here.

James mounts his broom and flies up into position while practically the entire school cheers
and chants for the teams. He looks around for Marlene and spots her not too far away. She’s
smiling and lets the end of her bat repeatedly fall into her hand, but James just makes a stink
face at her and readies himself for the game to start. He won’t let her get to him.

Madam Hooch walks to the center of the pitch and releases the Bludgers and the Snitch, all
which dart far away. After a few moments of waiting, she holds up the Quaffle, and…

James dives in as it’s tossed in the air, snatching it and doing a barrel roll out of sight. He
speeds across the field, eyes on the three targets. Never aim for the middle, they always guard
the middle. But maybe that’s what the Ravenclaw wants him to think.

He pelts the ball towards the center hoop, and the blue Keeper instinctively tries to go down,
so it soars right through.

“Boom,” he mutters happily to himself, flying off.

He hears the crowd cheering, Benjy Fenwick’s comments flooding his ears.

“Ten points for Gryffindor in the first minute of the game! Potter’s like lightning with that
Cleansweep Seven he loves to show off…”

James tunes him out, letting the game continue. Marlene hasn’t been a problem at all so far,
in fact, she’s stayed out of his way for the past fifteen minutes. Gryffindor’s up thirty to ten,
the Ravenclaws are hardly a threat at all!

As this thought passed through his mind, a Bludger flies in his direction. James pulls the end
of his broom up and flips all the way upside down for a moment. The Bludger wooshes by
him and begins to dart elsewhere.

He comes back up, eyes flicking for the culprit and somehow hearing a cackle amongst all
the noise.

“Oh, McKinnon, you bastard,” he mumbles.

James flies off, getting into the right position to catch an incoming Quaffle from Eric. It
settles into his gloved hands easily and he turns to continue down the field. He hears that
laugh again and looks over his shoulder for a Bludger, finding none, but a Ravenclaw Chaser
steals the Quaffle right from his arms.

He remembers what Basil said right before the game started, the Ravenclaws are strategy
players. Is this their strategy? Distracting him? Well it’s not gonna work anymore, he’s
figured them out already. James is smart like that.

He flies up just below that Chaser and snatches the Quaffle right back. James darts back the
other way and chucks it over to their other Chaser, Colin Williams, he’s a fifth year and good
at watching his back. Can’t psychologically manipulate him if he doesn’t have the ball, yeah?
But James wants to contribute, he can’t just back out in fear of maybe getting hit by a
Bludger. He’s not some coward.

The game continues and James puts himself back in it. Eventually, Gryffindor’s up sixty to
thirty and he feels confident about their lead. The Quaffle is passed up to him once more and
he carries it all the way to the goalposts.

He raises his arm to shoot—

A Bludger suddenly whisks by, barely missing his hand, but James’ body stutters in a way,
bringing the ball straight back into his chest. He feels awkward now, just sitting here without
the momentum to propel the shot.

He’s overthinking, just shoot for one of the posts, just—

The Quaffle is stolen from him. James grunts in frustration, flying to chase after them.

Blonde hair gleams in the sun from a distance, but he ignores it, pushing on and following
where the Quaffle goes. In a moment, Frank’s flying up and batting away another Bludger
from going near him.

“Bludger magnet today, you are!” Frank exclaims.

“I’m being targeted, I can’t help it!”

“Just keep your head straight.”

James grumbles, “Not if she doesn’t knock it off my neck first,” before speeding off.

He’s the best, the best of the best. He is not going to be outdone by some Ravenclaw girl.
However, he also hopes Basil catches the Snitch soon to end this game, and he can’t believe
he’s thinking that.

After that last Bludger, he doesn’t get targeted for a while which lets him and his teammates
snag a few more goals. They’re winning by forty points, it’s really just up to Goodwin now.

He looks out for her, finding her following after the small winged ball beside the Ravenclaw
Seeker. Not too far off he finally spots Marlene for the second time. She’s just…floating
around?

Whatever, better for him, they’ll get more points that way. And they do, fifty more of them,
in fact. They’ve got a ninety point lead.

He relaxes a bit, after immediately seeing through Ravenclaw's strategy it became easy.

Goodwin and the opposing Seeker are side by side just a couple feet from the Snitch, and
Goodwin pushes herself further. It’s right there, he can see it all the way from halfway across
the field.

Just before it’s in the palm of her hand, a Bludger appears and flies just under Goodwin’s
outstretched arm, but she flinches hard enough that she slows.

And the Ravenclaw Seeker snags the Snitch just as she regains her composure.

It didn’t matter that they were up eighty points. James just lost the game.
The Ravenclaws—who for most of the game looked discouraged—were now cheering and
screaming in shock. A complete turnaround and no one saw it coming.

And he knows who the culprit is, eyes landing on McKinnon, who’s being praised and hailed
for her perfect shot that won them the game.

James’s face hardens and he flies his way back to the Gryffindor tent. He doesn’t bother to
shake hands or check the stands for his friends.

He hops off his broom and tosses his helmet down along with his leather gloves and knee
pads. When he and Marlene made their little rivalry, he didn’t think she’d play unfairly. That
wasn’t fair.

“James,” Frank says. James didn’t realize he came back in. “You played well, don’t get
yourself down about it.”

“No, I blew it,” he scowls. “If I didn’t get distracted we could’ve gotten more points and the
Snitch wouldn’t have meant anything. And Marlene wasn’t playing fair!”

Goodwin makes her way in next, a stern look on her face. “Potter, it’s your first loss, don’t
take it personally.”

“But they tricked us!”

“I told you they’d find a way,” she says bluntly, pulling off her helmet. “It’s my last game,
and we lost…but it’s okay. You could’ve at least shook hands afterwards. That was bad
sportsmanship.”

James curls his lip and crosses his arms. “What’s bad sportsmanship is sabotaging our win
last second.”

Basil sighs, ruffling out her glistening hair. “It happens!” She exclaims. “Listen, get used to
losing sometimes, that’s just the game. Am I happy about it? Not really, I would’ve liked to
go out on a good note, but I’ve had a solid run otherwise. You, on the other hand, have just
started. You’re not always going to get what you want.”

He doesn’t think he likes that. The first time he was truly denied something and told no was
when he couldn’t try out for Quidditch first year. But those are just the rules, so he
understood eventually.

This is different, he was just humiliated in front of the whole school. He lost.

“Well I don’t think that’s fair,” James mutters, pulling off his red robes and throwing them on
the bench.

Some of the others are looking at him, so he marches out of the changing room’s tent so
quickly he nearly runs headfirst into Peter.

The three of them are still waiting here for him even after he lost like that. James straightens
himself out.
“You played brilliantly, mate!” Peter cheers, mini Gryffindor flags in his hands.

He frowns. “No, I didn’t.”

Remus scoffs at that. “James, you were leading on them by nearly a hundred points!”

“And that thing you did at the beginning was great!” Sirius adds. “I’ve never seen a goal
scored so quickly.”

“But it didn’t even matter at the end,” James sulks. “I still lost. What was the point?”

“Hey, Potter!” Marlene calls, jogging over. She’s still in all her Quidditch gear. James shoots
her a glare and she backs up. “Woah, you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he grits. “But you didn’t play fair.”

Her brows go high up on her forehead. “I play well within the rules. Just cause you didn’t see
it coming doesn’t mean it wasn’t fair.”

“What was the strategy anyway? Annoy me for an hour?”

Marlene sucks air through her teeth and glances at the other three before taking another step
back. “Merlin, you are a sore loser.”

“Am not!”

“You are,” she states. “But the strategy was to aim towards you—but not hit you—then
everyone else would think I’m having an off day and only targeting you. So I’m not a threat.
And then last minute, I’d make Goodwin slip up because, like I said, she thought I was
focused on you.”

James has to admit, it’s not a bad plan, but he grumbles in annoyance at it anyway. “You
Ravenclaws and your mind games…why don’t you play normally?”

“This is how I play!” Marlene laughs in disbelief. “Just because I’m not all bigheaded like
you doesn’t mean you have to be such a sore loser. It’s just a game!”

“I’m gonna have to agree with her, James,” Sirius says a bit awkwardly. “But only the last
part, I don’t think you’re bigheaded.” He smiles widely.

He glances at Sirius who’s very clearly trying to de-escalate and then at the others who seem
speechless. Shame trickles it’s way through his body at the sight. He’s supposed to be more
level-headed than this, not getting mad at things that don’t go his way. Sirius shouldn’t be
helping him, that’s James’ job, that’s been James’ job.

What’s his role if his friends look at him that way?

He clears his throat and holds out his hand to Marlene. “You’re right, you played well,” he
says. “Good game.”
 Marlene raises an eyebrow before slowly clasping their hands together for a quick shake.
“Good game, Potter,” she smiles. “Maybe by next term you’ll have thought up a way to get
me back for this. Actually, I’m hoping for it. Make the game more fun, don’t you think?”
Marlene lightly pushes a fist to his shoulder then turns to leave. “See ya!”

The four of them watch her as she goes before James sighs. “I should probably apologize to
Basil. It’s her last game and I just soured her mood even more.” Before he goes back in, he
pulls them all together for something like a brief group hug. “Thanks for coming over even
when I lost.”

Remus shakes his head in disbelief. “Why wouldn’t we?”

———

Chapter End Notes

Writing Quidditch games is so much harder than you’d think.

I did in fact get carried away with the first section’s banter if it wasn’t obvious. They’re
all just so silly I couldn’t help it. This chapter is like character developing filler cause
like yeah it’s just a sports game but also James got his ass kicked and he’s upset about it.
He is not gonna let it show tho. Also my favorite thing ever is James being like I
probably look like a lap dog when I’m angry and then when he is, Sirius is like holy shit.
You are SCARY.

Also, peep Remus and Sirius bickering. Moony is coming into play hehehe…yeah.

Hope you enjoyed!

 Second Year: Send Off
Chapter Summary

A truly petrifying last week of second year…

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 25, 1973

It’s finals week and Lily spent all of last night cramming every bit of information into her
brain to the point where she thinks it may explode.

She had Alice by her side, but even she called it quits after a while. Not Lily, though, no. She
made sure she remembered just about every star in the sky, and every defensive spell and
charm they learned. Doing well on these exams is essential, and there is absolutely nothing
that will stop her from excelling.

Well…for the most part.

The bad thing about Professor Donahue—amongst all of her other issues—is that she never
taught them how to apply anything. It was all textbooks and lectures with a demonstration
from her. Apparently testing these things out is just ‘too dangerous’ for a class of thirteen
year olds, so they’ve been given a written test instead.

She easily made her way through the first exam of the day, Charms. Her and Marlene both
got top scores of the class for a fairly complicated exercise. Astronomy has been scheduled
for later at night, she imagines they’ll be identifying constellations. So instead, she heads into
Defense.

A written exam for Defense Against the Dark Arts, what a joke. She actually hopes Potter
was right when he said that Donahue would be out of the school after this. Lily doesn’t think
she ever wants to see this woman again, not after the total disrespect of Remus and the
complete detriment she’s done to their house points. They’ve won two Quidditch games and
are still hundreds of points behind Ravenclaw.
She sits beside Alice, who looks a bit frazzled after slipping up on Charms and getting a
seventy. It might be nerves or something.

“You’re gonna do great,” she whispers, seeing how visibly tense her friend is.

Alice pouts, rubbing at her tired eyes. “I messed up, I should’ve studied more. I’m usually
better than that.”

“It’s okay, it was really tough, you weren’t the only one who had trouble.”

“Yeah,” she sighs. “Wish Flitwick went a bit easier on us this time around.”

“Girls!” Professor Donahue shrills.

They glance at each other, slowly turning their attention to the woman.

Donahue has an armful of scrolls with her at the front of the room along with a scowl on her
aging face. “It is exam period, there will be no talking!”

She hears a chuckle from somewhere behind her, already knowing it belongs to one of the
two idiots. Lily huffs a breath and rolls her eyes once Donahue’s looked away.

The test isn’t so difficult, the questions on things like Ghouls and the Full Body-Bind curse
she flies through. She smiles to herself as she moves down the scroll but it drops at the
Werewolf questions. It’s littered with misinformation and it makes her feel a bit sick. She
won’t sneak a glance at Remus, but hopefully he doesn’t get affected by these sorts of things.
How awful it must be to be told you’re violent and have a low intelligence by nature.

She sort of gets it in a way. Those blood supremacists are under the impression she’s stupid
and can’t even hold her wand correctly. Lily works hard just to tell those people to shove it
up theirs, she’s not daft and she deserves to be here just as they do.

But staring at this, she can hardly bring herself to fill out some of these questions. Anything
she wants to write will just be marked wrong.

‘How do Werewolves' claws aid in their hunting behavior, and are they a sign of neglect or
inherent savagery?’

‘What is the best way to kill a Werewolf?’

‘Evaluate the societal consequences of harboring Werewolves within human communities,

highlighting the inherent risks to public safety and well-being.’

‘How do Werewolves' physical traits manifest in their human form, and are there any telltale
signs that might identify them before transformation?’

Lily knows what Donahue wants her to write, but she can’t do it. The way her professor
refuses to recognize them as human beings makes her wanna jab her in the eye with her
quill.
So, Lily doesn’t know why she does this, but she answers incorrectly. She’ll get the questions
wrong, but in the end it’ll hardly detract from her score. Every other answer she has is correct
and defying this vile woman sounds like more a victory than getting a few extra points.

She hands her test in, the first to finish, then slumps back into her chair and absentmindedly
traces the lines in the wooden desk. The waiting time is ridiculous and Lily would rather be
studying for her other classes than this.

The moment the final Slytherin turns in her exam, the whole class gets to their feet to leave.

“Mr. Potter, Black, and Miss Evans,” Professor Donahue calls sharply over the chatter. She
has three scrolls before her, so Lily has a feeling what it’s about before she continues talking.
“All three of you stay here.”

She glances behind her at Potter and Sirius who don’t look shocked or worried, just amused.

“We’ll wait outside. C’mon, Pete,” Remus says to them before the two leave the room.

She gives a thumbs up to Alice, Mary and Dorcas, letting them know she’ll be fine. And she
will be, this woman doesn’t scare her.

The three of them make their way to her desk, not an ounce of fear in them.

Donahue gets to her feet, stacking the scrolls in her hand. “I am going to read some of these
answers, and you will tell me how appropriate these are to put on an academic exam.”

Sirius snorts but quickly clears his throat and beckons her to continue.

“…I asked ‘What is the best way to kill a Werewolf’, Sirius Black, you put, Why would I do
that? Lily Evans, With kindness. James Potter, Chocolate bars,” she speaks harshly like tiny
daggers. Lily can’t help but smile, considering they all had the same idea.

Does Potter know about Remus?

Sirius opens his mouth first. “I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

“You don’t see anything wrong with that, ma’am,” Donahue corrects.

“Well, if you’d like. Dunno how I feel about that title, but—“

“Shut it!” She snaps, turning her attention back on all three of them. “The entire section on
Werewolves has been vandalized with your…nonsense!” She leans forward on the desk and
lowers her voice. “What do you know about the Lupin boy’s lycanthropy?”

Lily’s eyes go wide. They all silently look at each other for a moment. “What lycanthropy?”
She says a bit stupidly.

“Don’t play coy with me, miss,” Donahue snarls, pointing a sharp nail at her face. Lily moves
her head back, anger boiling in her chest. “The whole year, you three have given me
problems, and that monstrous thing out there is your friend.”
“Monstrous thing?!” Potter sputters, expression hardening. “You have so much nerve!”

“He’s our friend, how could you say that?” Sirius protests.

Donahue’s eyes look like they’re going to bulge from her face the way she’s looking at them.
Lily wants to knock her out, fists clenched.

“This school harbors an insurmountable number of dangerous creatures. The degenerative

scum of our world roam the forest and sit in the classes I teach. When I was informed by the
Headmaster of what he is, I sought out to make sure he would not brainwash the youth. It was
for your protection, but he’s convinced you he’s so weak and quiet, and it’s all a lie! He
would tear you apart on a full moon without thinking! I’ve tried hard to get rid of this boy,
anything I can for the protection of all of you. The forest wasn’t enough, I may have to deal
with him myself!” She rants and snarls like she’s the feral animal here.

Lily has absolutely no idea what the forest means, but she’s fuming. She must be able to take
that to Dumbledore. He has to do something about her, doesn’t he care about Remus? How
did this bypass him?

“Wait, the forest?” Sirius asks, looking at Potter, who seems to understand at the same time
he does.

Donahue straightens herself out and tears all of their exams in fourths. Lily stares at her,
watching as this woman unravels whatever persona she’d tried to put on all year. It wasn’t a
good one, but at least it was put together.

Potter blinks a few times in shock. “You put the poisonous snails in the forest?”

That’s probably the last sentence Lily thought she’d hear today.

“Poisonous snails…?” Lily mumbles.

He looks her way. “A while back, we had a detention out in the Forbidden Forest picking up
Streelers someone dumped there. It was done to kill the plants and animals…which…I don’t
know if that’s where Remus goes, but if he did…couldn’t that have hurt him?“

Lily gapes. “You tried to kill him?!”

It dawns on her professor that she’s just admitted to attempted murder and the potential for
future attempted murder. She takes a step back, finally quiet, thank God.

“You don’t have to tell the Headmaster,” she backtracks. “I will give you perfect scores if you
keep this a secret.”

“Oh, piss off!” Sirius shouts.

“I’m getting you fired,” Potter laughs, but it’s nothing like his usual laugh, “you nasty bitch.”

Professor Donahue is wading through sand trying to collect herself. “There is absolutely no
need—“
“No, this is fitting,” he continues. “Remember what I said? Do you remember? Cause I
might’ve forgotten, why don’t you remind me, huh?”

She hates to admit it, but she likes when Potter acts like this. Once he puts aside the childish
jokes and mean pranks, he seems good. Genuinely good.

“I’m getting you out of here even if it gets me expelled too, I don’t care! He’s my friend and
you don’t speak about him that way, I don’t care how much older you are with your
superiority and your stupid blood obsessed beliefs. There is nothing you can do—“

Donahue looks bewildered, eyes wildly glaring at Potter.

She’s pulling out her wand from her robes.

Lily’s faster.

“Petrificus totalus!”

Donahue stiffens up like a board, falling flat on her back with a loud thud. God, that’s
satisfying. A pureblooded grown woman just got beat out by a muggleborn thirteen year old
girl. Who’s really deserving of magic now, huh?

She did, however, attack a teacher.

Sirius and Potter stare at her, jaws practically on the floor.

“You’ve got some mad reflexes, Evans,” Potter mutters, a bit breathless.

“It was the first spell that came to my mind, I’ve never even used that before,” she chuckles,
actually quite impressed with herself. “But she was going to attack you, I had to do
something!”

Sirius crouches down beside her frozen form, but Potter can’t stop looking at her.

“What?” She asks.

He swallows. “Nothing. Um…what d’you think she was gonna do to me?”

“I’m thinking obliviate, it wouldn’t physically hurt us and we’d forget all of this,” she says,
letting out a content sigh. “Well, looks like that won’t be happening.”

Sirius pokes her still shoulder and chuckles. “You are out of your mind, Evans. Are Remus
and Peter still waiting for us?”

“Erm…” Lily hums. “Might be. Oh god, I actually attacked a teacher, what if I get expelled?”

“Not before she gets fired, believe me,” Potter remarks, eyes darkening as he looks down on
the woman. She’s still conscious. “I’m sure the rest of the Gryffindors will be thrilled once
we take the rubbish out.”
Sirius laughs. “Merlin, James—“

“What’s taking so—oh…” Remus has opened the door and he and Peter are looking at the
elephant in the room. They shuffle in quickly, closing the door. “What did you do?!”

“Hey, Remus,” Sirius smiles.

Potter points at her. “She did it.”

Lily scoffs. “Because she was going to attack us!”

“What?!” Peter squeaks, backing away from Donahue.

“Why?” Remus asks much more level headed.

Sirius gets to his feet. “Well long story short, she’s crazy and tried to kill you by poisoning a
forest and then she tried to obliviate James. Now we’re going to Dumbledore!”

Remus is at a loss for words, rapidly blinking and shaking his head for a few seconds. “Am I
the only sane one here?! Lily, you—? This is not normal!” He’s taking his attempted murder
surprisingly well.

“Well, of course not,” she retorts. “I wouldn’t have done it without good reason. We should
go before she gets up.”

“This is insane,” he mutters. “I had nothing to do with this. I’ve only got one shot at getting
an education being…what I am. You could’ve just soiled this for me!”

Lily steps towards him. “No, Dumbledore may have problems with certain things, but there’s
no way he’d let this slide. In fact, you’re right, you had nothing to do with this. If you really
don’t want to get involved, then pretend you weren’t here.”

Peter’s out the door in a split second. Remus shakes his head, slowly turning to leave again.
“Just—just deal with this,” he says, waving his hand in Donahue’s direction. “I can’t…oh, I
can’t do this…”

He repeats those last few words out the door, slowly becoming more muffled until the room
is silent.

Potter scrunches his brows together. “Since when did you know about Remus?” He asks her.

Lily turns slowly, blinking at him. “…You’re a bit slow on the uptake.”

———
Despite how vocal he was about Remus before, James’ head is currently just a mantra of Lily
Lily Lily Lily.

They’re explaining everything to Dumbledore, but it’s mostly Sirius and Lily because James
hasn’t stopped hearing his heartbeat in his ears for the past thirty minutes. What she did was
the coolest and most insane thing he’s ever seen, and it was for him. She said ‘she was going
to attack you’, not ‘us’. You.

Him!

He’s reeling, truly. It was like getting slapped in the face by her again except it didn’t hurt at
all this time. It just made him feel like his stomach was doing somersaults.

“Mr. Potter?”

The Headmaster snatches his attention. James blinks back into focus.

“Yes?”

“You‘ve had problems with Professor Donahue before,” he says. “Is what your friends said
the truth?”

James nods, knowing he wasn’t listening to a word. “Someone should let Hagrid know what
she’s done, he won’t be happy either. So…considering she’s tormented every non-Slytherin
student and tried to kill Remus and committed a crime against nature and ripped our tests
apart…she is getting fired, right?”

Professor Dumbledore nods slowly. How he’s so calm learning all of this, James just isn’t
sure. “She will be removed from her position, yes. However, Miss Evans, you should have
never resorted to violence.”

Lily clenches her jaw. “She was going to attack us, it was self defense.”

James keeps his eyes on her as he speaks and the conversation seems to tune itself out.
Whatever she’s saying is probably completely right anyway, she’s so clever. After a minute,
she meets his eye and furrows her brows. James blinks away.

“I will handle the rest of this,” Dumbledore says as he refocuses. “You will not speak of this
incident, nor let it spread. I cannot have it known what three young students like yourselves
were allowed to get away with. For now, you all have finals,” he smiles a bit with a twinkle
in his eye. “Run along now.”

It takes days for anything to happen. James gets through all of his exams like they’re nothing
despite refusing to study for the second year in a row.

It’s the final day of exams, but he’s finished already along with the rest of his roommates.

They’re heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast when they hear it.
“This is an outrage!”

“Well, I have certainly put up with you for far too long, Signe.”

The four of them glance at each other then slowly tip toe over to the noise around the corner.

James’ eyebrows practically rocket off his forehead. Professor McGonagall and ex-Professor
Donahue are having a spat in the middle of the hall.

Donahue looks disheveled, hair a mess and packed bags at her side. “Minerva, these students
are dangerous, you cannot possibly be telling me what they’ve done should be allowed!”

“You are much more of a danger than these children. I will not tolerate what I’ve heard from
Dumbledore, so no, I will not be asking him to change his mind!” She scolds sharply.

James’ chest becomes warm and he smiles. He’d assumed McGonagall hated him because of
his and Sirius’ near constant misbehavior.

Other students are beginning to overhear them and poke their heads in to see what’s going on.

The two women seem to understand they’re being watched now. Donahue glances around
and inhales through flared nostrils.

“I could do it,” she mutters. “Have him expelled.”

McGonagall’s face doesn’t even flicker with fear. “You will leave the premises immediately.”

“Minerva—“

“You have no place here. Our duty is to protect our students. Every last one of them.”

Donahue groans. “That boy will kill them all!”

“You know nothing,” McGonagall says quietly. “I urge you to leave. I think you’ll find
you’re lucky to be getting off with no real consequences. One letter could change that.”

Sirius chokes at McGonagall’s boldness, and yeah, James feels the same way. He’s never
seen her like this before.

Donahue shrieks in frustration, snatching her bags up and walking past McGonagall’s
shoulder and finding the swarm of students hiding behind the corner. She huffs and walks
faster out the door.

“Get lost!” Sirius shouts, and the other Gryffindor students begin to whoop and cheer as she
leaves.

James looks back and catches McGonagall’s eye. She lightly bows her head then turns back
into her office, leaching the students to celebrate the departure of their professor.
It seems no one cares for what she said about Remus, good thing too. She didn’t mention
names thankfully. He probably would have strangled her. He still wants to, she got off easy. A
blood purist that tried to kill his friend…James can’t help but wish horrible things for her.

———

JUNE 30, 1973

Remus really had hoped for a regular final week of school, he should just stop asking for
things at this point.

His professor tried to kill him, okay. She did it through poisonous snails, alright. Lily
petrified the woman, sure. She gets fired and nearly exposes him to the entire school,
whatever. Anything goes at this point!

There have been little to no cohesive thoughts in his mind the past seven days. It’s all just a
jumble of things happening.

He’s quite glad her weird plan didn’t work out, he’d be pretty dead otherwise. She made the
mistake of putting those things in the forest. Remus doesn’t go there, he could never let
himself be so close to the school.

If he were to sum this term up, he’d say that not a single thing went to plan. On the train, he’d
wanted to keep to himself and try not to make friends anymore because it just causes trouble.
He was right about the latter, but the friends in question sort of…wriggled their way back in.
There’s no better way he can put that.

It’s interesting, last year he’d felt like the floor had been ripped under him and he had no
support, no grounding. His friends couldn’t be his anymore. A year later, they’re back and
closer than ever before. They all know about him, and they don’t care. Even with the
occasional misguided question, they’re not exposing him. They aren’t scared. He will
absolutely take that and cherish it.

He doesn’t want to think about home just yet, he wants to let this feeling last. It’s the night
before they go back home, meaning he’s closer to his mum than he has been since January.
Remus doesn’t know the exact state of her, but he knows there hasn’t been much progress.
He won’t let himself think about it.

Suddenly, the drapes to his bed are pushed to the side, and there’s Sirius. Remus smiles and
pats the bed, letting him climb in like it’s second nature. There’s the charm, of course, cutting
the rest of the world off for a while.

“Hey,” he says. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was going to ask you that, actually,” Sirius replies, fiddling with his wand.

Remus bites his tongue, glancing at his lap. “Well, this has been a really hectic week…and
we’re going home tomorrow. I’m definitely nervous about it, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Sirius nods. “If Walburga lets me, I’ll send you letters this time,” he smiles. “I’ve got the
wedding this summer, so I’ll have all these things to talk about. Gossip and whatever. Maybe
get your mind off it.”

He isn’t sure if he’ll be able to once he’s there, but he appreciates the sentiment anyway.
“Thanks,” Remus says. “Y’know, weirdly enough, even though I freaked out when it
happened, I am sort of thankful you three got rid of Donahue. Especially knowing what she
tried to do.”

“How have you been so at peace with it?” Sirius asks, shaking his head. “You hardly had a
reaction the day of, and you talk about it only a week later like it’s nothing! That’s mad,
y’know.”

Remus shrugs. “I’ve had weirder things happen to me. What was I supposed to do? Prove her
right that I’m a monster and get angry?”

“Well—no! I don’t mean that. Being angry that someone wants to kill you doesn’t make you
a monster, actually I’d say that makes you human.”

“Not everyone thinks like you, Sirius,” he mumbles, eyes diverted. “I’m really glad you do
think that way. Seriously. That woman would try to lock me up if I so much as gave her a
harsh glance. As would many others.” Remus sighs, making eye contact. “I wish the world
was a bit better, but…it isn’t. So I let it throw whatever it has at me.”

Sirius swallows. “That’s not very fair,” he says quietly.

“I know. It never is.”

“…Sorry, I feel like I’ve made this more depressing than I meant to,” he mumbles. “I was
hoping for a happier conversation.”

His lips quirk up in amusement. Knowing Sirius was thinking about this does something for
him, although…of course he thought about this. He wouldn’t be here otherwise.

“Like what?” He asks with that slight smile. “How we lost the House Cup by three hundred
points?”

Sirius laughs quietly, ducking his head between his shoulders. “Oh, it’s ridiculous. We won
two Quidditch games too! All Donahue’s fault. And those damn Ravenclaws, they’re too
good.”

“Yeah, well they’re getting carried by a twelve year old girl. That’s only a bragging point for
her.”
“Marlene McKinnon…” He grumbles. “I get you now, she’s too good at everything. Pisses
me off, how dare she! Nerd and good at sports, it’s like James and Evans merged.”

He chuckles, swatting at Sirius lightly. “Shut up, she’d kill you if she heard that.”

“Dunno…” Sirius trails off. “Something’s up.”

“Hm?”

“Dunno,” he repeats. Sirius seems to be holding back, but he starts speaking again anyway. “I
think they secretly like each other.”

“…You’re mad.”

“No, I’m being honest!” He exclaims. “Listen, when she petrified Donahue, she was
protecting our boy! I was shocked, he was certainly shocked. Don’t think I’ve ever seen
James look like that. I wanted to make fun of him, he looked so stupid.”

Remus pauses. “Really?”

“Yes!”

He hums in thought. “But Lily said she was going to get all three of you, so maybe it was like
that. Honestly, I can’t see her fancying him, she’s always going on about how annoying she
finds him. Before winter break, I had to defend him because she was ragging on him even
though it was a little deserved. That was when he forgot he was a human being.”

“Mmm…that was a bit funny though. Like the bat-bogey hex,” Sirius looks up in
remembrance. “Oh, the look on Snivellus’ face.”

“It was pretty mean,” he says.

Sirius just shrugs. “Funny, though. And anyway, maybe not on Lily’s end. But James
definitely does.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Not even gonna try denying it?”

“Not even a little.”

They nod in unison, grins stuck to their faces. Good to know they both agree then.

Remus feels his face heat up at the idea of crushes and liking people, all that nonsense. He
doesn’t think about it much, nor does he want to. There’s not much of a reason to, he can’t
date anyone. One of the easiest ways to scare a girl off: turn into a giant monster once a
month.

He clears his throat a bit awkwardly, pulling his knees up to his chest. “You all packed then?”
 “Yeah…suppose,” Sirius slumps over, practically laying down on his bed. “Can’t bring
everything I want to, the parents would end me, I think. Gotta keep everything I actually like
here.”

“Mm, sorry,” Remus yawns, stretching his arms out, ready to slump over too. He’ll wait till
Sirius gets up first.

He seems fairly content here though, and it makes him sit awkwardly at the edge of his own
bed.

“Comfy over here…” Sirius mumbles, eyes closing.

“Uh…”

He pops back up quickly, coming to his senses. “Sorry, you probably wanna sleep. Um, I’ll
see you in the morning.”

Remus nods, watching him climb from his bed and undo the charm. “Goodnight, Sirius,” he
whispers.

“Night, Remus.”

———

Chapter End Notes

And that’s the end of second year WOOO! I am super excited to start posting third year,
but we’ve got a few very important summer chapters first.

To put it simply, they pretty much go from least depressing to most. It definitely sets the
mood of third year which is pretty different from where it is now. More characters, more
storylines, they’re getting older…yeah, very excited. Hope you enjoyed! :)
 Summer 1973: Wouldn’t It Be Nice?
Chapter Summary

Lily and Mary go to the movies and experience something new.

Chapter Notes

First summer solo chapter! Enjoy :)

Words: 4.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 5, 1973

Lily brushes her hair out before carefully braiding it in pigtails. She steps back, looks in the
mirror…nah. It makes her look like a farmer, especially with her red hair and freckles. She
brushes it again, going for a ponytail instead. Another look in the mirror and she groans,
taking it down.

Half up? Lily lets her shorter front pieces hang out, so it’s a bit more voluminous. Looking
from both sides, she hums in approval. Hair done. Now for an outfit.

She doesn’t know why she’s putting so much effort into this, she didn’t do this much the first
time around. She’s going to a film with Mary today, they chose this movie called Once Upon
a Time. It sounded cute and the poster was pretty, not to mention it being fantasy which was
their original plan.

Lily doesn’t want to go too fancy, it’s just the cinema. But she doesn’t wanna look sloppy
either, what if Mary shows up and puts effort in? What counts as effort for Mary? She always
looks pretty, it’s almost not fair.

Digging through her closet, Lily pulls out a pair of jean shorts and a light blouse. Too casual?
She has a pretty green plaid sundress in the back, but Lily’s not too keen on dresses. She
wears enough skirts at school.

Would Mary think the dress is better?

She holds both outfits up, swapping which one’s in front of her. Maybe she could make the
sundress more casual, wear it with sneakers or something. Or sandals. Whichever works.

Sundress on, Lily does a little half-twirl in the mirror. It’s around knee length and blooms
around her as she twists her hips just for the fun of it.

This is the one, definitely. She can also show Mary that it twirls the way it does. She’d like
that.

She lets out a huff, it’s just a movie. But when comparing white sneakers to sandals, she
gravitates to the sandals, they look nicer.

Lily doesn’t own much jewelry, so her neck looks a bit bare. Her ears are pierced though,
perhaps little gold hoops would make it.

She steps back and checks it all out, twisting her hips to make the skirt spin again.

“Not bad,” she mumbles, readjusting her bangs. If the fireplace ruins all that she’s just done,
that’ll really annoy her.

Humming a little tune to herself, Lily pockets a couple quid in her dress — because yes it has
pockets, grabs her tin of green powder, then skips out of the bedroom.

“Oh, where are you going, dressed all nice?” Her mum, Jane asks once she’s out in the living
room. Lily glances at the fireplace and finds herself a bit stumped on how she’ll be doing this
with her family home.

“Um,” Lily says. “To the movies with my friend.”

“Not with the Severus boy?” She replies hesitantly.

She shakes her head. “No, she’s a friend from school.”

“Ah…” Jane puts her magazine down, giving her a once over. “Y’know, I used to have to
force you to wear dresses when we went to Church. Knew you’d turn around one day.
Because look at you now, wearing dresses and…doing witchcraft.”

Lily smiles stiffly. “It’s hot out.”

“Yes, of course,” she waves off. “Do you need a ride then?”

“No, actually. I was going to go through the um…through the fireplace.”

She points a thumb behind her, and her mum looks at her like she’s crazy.

“What, you’re not serious?” She laughs. “That’s ridiculous!”

“I’ve done it before,” Lily mumbles.

Jane scoffs in disbelief. “When?”

“During the holidays. That’s how I got to my friend Dorcas’ house.”

“Are you going to her house again?”

“No, I’m hanging out with Mary.”

She tsks, getting to her feet. “You sound silly, I’ll just drive you. I know you do the magic
thing, but c’mon. The fireplace? How far is Mary’s?”

“It’s around Brighton, Mum, that’s hours away!” Lily whines. “I’ve gotta be there in like five
minutes.”

“How fast is this fireplace travel?”

“Instant,” she sighs. “I could go across the country in seconds, I’m not getting driven.”

Her mum crosses her arms. “You know what, flower? I’ve never seen you do magic besides
your little outbursts as a child. Maybe this will be a learning moment for me.”

Lily chews her lip, raising her brows and turning to the fireplace. She pulls out the floo
powder from the tin she put the leftovers of Dorcas’ into.

Right as she’s about to throw it down, her sister infiltrates the room and makes a noise of
confusion.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Petunia, language!”

Petunia groans and Lily resists the urge to hit her head on the bricks. “I’m trying to leave,”
she grunts out.

“You are not doing magic in here!” She shouts, stomping over and trying to grab the tin. Lily
caps it and takes three large steps back. The last thing she wants to do is drop this stuff. “Lily,
you’re not tainting the house! Get rid of—of whatever that is, now!”

“You’re so annoying!” Lily retorts, keeping the tin close to her chest. “I’ve already done it
before, you didn’t even know about it.”

She gasps as if she’s been scandalized. “You what?! Mum!”

Jane watches the two of them fighting sadly and sighs. “Petunia, darling, let Lily go hang out
with her friend.”

“This is so stupid,” Petunia seethes. “How is that even allowed? I thought you couldn’t do
magic here because it’s against the law!”

Lily shrugs. “This doesn’t count. Now, if you’d excuse me.”

She steps back up to the fireplace, already knowing this will freak them both out. Do this as
calmly as possible, maybe it won’t seem as bad to them. Like this is something she does all
the time.

Grabbing another handful of powder, she tosses it in, making large green flames burst from
the fireplace.

“Agh!” Petunia shrieks, backing away in fear.

Lily rolls her eyes, stepping in and shouting, “Mary Macdonald’s house, Brighton!”

Her sister’s horrified face disappears—thank god—and she starts to tumble forward like last
time. She doesn’t let herself, instead walking out so she doesn’t embarrassingly stumble.

There’s a new scene in front of her, a small living room with a carpeted floor and pale yellow
wallpaper. There’s no one here to greet her this time, so Lily stands awkwardly, patting
herself down in case of any ash residue.

She glances around, taking in the scenery. This is Mary’s house, and it’s cute. There’s flower
vases on end tables and a metal rimmed hanging light. The wall and fireplace shelf are filled
with pictures of her when she was younger alongside her mum and dad. Gosh, her mum looks
so much like her. In between a couple of the frames is a cross, like the kind she’d find in
Church. Religious family then.

“Oh, hey!”

She jumps, spinning around and meeting Mary’s eyes.

“Didn’t hear you come in, how long have you been there?” Mary asks.

“Uh, I just got in,” Lily half-lies, pointing back at the brick fireplace.

Mary’s lips stretch into a smile and she walks over. “Cool! Well, um…you look pretty, I love
that dress.”

Lily nods, looking down at it with a red face like she didn’t pick it out. “Thanks, it’s uh—it’s
sort of the only one I have.” She actually looks at Mary for the first time and of course she’s
been outdone.

Her hair is up in a sort of messy curly bun with a patterned bandana behind her ears, letting
her bangs flow from the front. Her blouse is a warm red and the skirt below is a bit shorter
than Lily’s and made of denim.

“You look good,” she says stupidly.

Mary giggles, reaching down to grab her wrist and pull her along. Lily goes with her, she has
no choice but it wouldn’t matter either way. She’d still follow.

“I’d introduce you to my parents, but they’re out right now,” she comments, taking Lily out
the door. “So, we’re just going straight to the film! Excited?”
“Uhh…” Lily blinks down at where Mary’s got a hold of her. “Yes.”

It’s not a very long walk, but Mary doesn’t let her go the whole time. Lily doesn’t have a clue
why she keeps thinking about it. She’s held her friends’ hands before. It’s not even the hand,
it’s just the wrist.

So what? What does that even mean?

They enter the theatre—wrist still very much in hand—and approach the booth. There’s an
older woman in it counting coins and notes at the register.

They buy the tickets fairly cheap then head to the food stands. Lily’s not going to think about
it again, but Mary’s still holding her. Well in that case, she is thinking about it. Can’t say
she’s not going to think about it when she’s definitely thinking about it.

After maybe twenty minutes of hand-wrist holding, Mary lets go to grab a bag of popcorn
while Lily buys the fizzy drinks. Honestly, she misses these while at school. Most of what
they have is pumpkin juice and water.

Her and Mary settle into their seats with their shared popcorn and a warm feeling in her
chest. She didn’t think she was so excited for this movie, eyes glued on the screen so she
doesn’t look to her right.

It’s a cute film, there’s a blue dog and an evil stepmother and stepsister who hate this girl,
Maria. She makes a whispered comment about how that sounds like Mary.

Her and her stepsister fall down this well into a fantasy world and have to retrieve a garnet,
one that ended up there due to the stepsister’s selfishness. Lily can’t help but feel her and
Petunia are quite similar, but no matter. Petunia should be the last person on her mind right
now.

“I thought that was cute!” Mary exclaims afterwards, one hand around Lily’s wrist and the
other around her drink. “I liked the blue dog, Bello, he was adorable. I’d like a blue dog.”

Lily giggles, swinging their arms a bit. “Yeah…we should hang out at your house more, I feel
like this was a bit quick considering we planned it in December.”

“True,” she says. “It’ll be a girls day! Like I said, parents are out. They’re visiting my Nan.”

“You didn’t go with them?”

“No, I had plans with you!” Mary chuckles. “Priorities…duh.”

Lily flushes, smiling to herself as they walk back to her house. She didn’t really get to see the
outside before, it’s incredibly different from her own. It’s all bricks on the outside and is
relatively slim. There are flowers in windowsill beds just like there are flowers on the tables.
Someone here must be a gardener.
“My bedroom’s upstairs,” she states, bringing Lily up a thin wooden flight into a room a
similar size to her own.

She’s got a twin size bed with a pink duvet and the room is a littered with little trinkets.
Playing cards, a record player, posters of bands, pictures of her and likely other muggle
friends. It’s like a look into her brain, and Lily loves it.

“Oh, I know them!” Lily exclaims, pointing towards a Beach Boys poster.

Mary gasps. “Really?” She scrambles towards her record player and pulls out a vinyl. “I love
them. Have you listened?”

“Mm…might’ve done on the radio.”

“This one’s fun, Surfin’ U.S.A. Sort of sounds like The Beatles if they had more fun,” Mary
jokes, placing the needle down on the disc.

‘If everybody had an ocean

Across the U.S.A.

Then everybody'd be surfin'

Like Californi-a

You'd seem 'em wearing their baggies

Huarachi sandals too

A bushy bushy blonde hairdo

Surfin' U.S.A.’

She smiles, listening to the tune that Mary described strangely accurately. Her curls bounce
around in this cute way as she bobs her head to the music. Before she realizes, Mary’s
grabbed both of her hands and is pulling them closer one by one in a little dance.

‘Everybody's gone surfin'

Surfin' U.S.A’

Lily shyly lets Mary maneuver her around the room, the occasional giggle leaving her all the
way up until it’s finished.
Mary beams hard, running over to the needle and grabbing another disc. “That song is so fun,
and this is their most popular. Maybe you’ve heard it?”

It scratches to start, and she can immediately recognize it from the radio. “Oh, I do know it!”

“Ah, perfect! Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older!” Mary shouts, arms spread out wide.

Lily smiles. “Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long!”

Mary hops up on her bed. “And wouldn’t it be nice to live together,” she sings along,
reaching down and pulling Lily up with her. “In the kind of world where we belong!”

She mouths the lyrics as they play aloud, jumping and twirling on her small bed. Lily yelps
as she nearly loses her balance, grappling to Mary’s shoulders.

“Oh, we could be marrieeed!” She sings, pulling Lily back up to her feet. “And then we’d be
happy, oh wouldn’t it be nice?”

Lily feels her heart in her throat and swallows it down, wondering why she’s so out of breath.

The song slowly dies down and Mary lets go, hopping off the bed to take the vinyl off and
replace it with something else. She doesn’t bother telling her what it is, and Lily doesn’t
recognize it, but it’s a bit more relaxing.

Lily sits down so she can stop balancing like an idiot. Smoothing out her dress, it almost
makes her regret wearing it. But then again, Mary said it looked really pretty.

Mary gets on the bed across from her and sighs. “I’m having a lot of fun,” she says. “We
should hang out more, just the two of us. Not that I don’t love Dorcas and Alice, course I do.”

“Didn’t say you didn’t,” Lily comments, stopping herself from pulling her legs into her chest.
Dumb dress.

“I know,” Mary mumbles, adjusting the bandana in her hair before flopping down on the
mattress beside her. She lets out another sigh and briefly closes her eyes. “Just saying, I like
you, you’re fun.”

There’s that feeling in her chest and throat again. She clears it. “Good to know.”

Lily lays back, which may have been a mistake. These twin sized beds are small. So small,
the two of them lying on the bed means their shoulders touch. She adjusts onto her side to
give them more room. Mary mimics her so they’re facing one another. This isn’t helping at
all, Lily opts to stare anywhere else.

They sit in the silence for a long while, up until Lily’s eyelids droop.

“Are you tired?” Mary mumbles, curls pressed up against the pillow.

Lily half-shrugs. “A little, but you’ve just got a comfy bed.”

“Hm…”

“What?”

“…You said you’ve never kissed anyone, right?”

Lily is wide awake. She has never been more awake in her life.

“Uh…Well, yeah. Like…yes, that’s what I said,” she stammers while pushing herself back
up. It’s like Mary’s on a completely different train of thought from her, that was the last thing
she assumed she’d say. “Why…?”

Mary frowns. “Dunno,” she says, like Lily isn’t confused out of her mind right now. “Was
just thinking about it.”

“…Why?” She asks again.

“Well, I had this idea,” Mary starts. “The only experience I have is with Orange Boy, and
you’ve got none. If we ever have to really kiss a bloke, we’re over.”

Lily pauses for about fifteen seconds just looking down at Mary. “And?”

“So…” Now Mary seems like the nervous one, twiddling her thumbs on her chest. “I
thought…and you can say no. I thought we could practice for the real thing.”

Her brain may as well have malfunctioned, like thoughts aren’t a thing she can do anymore.

“Uhh…”

Mary sits up quickly. “You really don’t have to, it was just an offer. I’m just a little nervous
myself, I could use the practice too, y’know.”

Lily’s whole body has stiffened up, but the more she thinks, it’s not the worst idea. It doesn’t
really count as a kiss, so it isn’t her first. Then when she dates a guy, that will be her first
kiss, and it’ll be a good one.

“No, I think it could be good,” she finally replies coherently.

“Really?”

“Yeah, why not? Whatcha mean ‘really’, you’re the one who came up with it!” Lily giggles,
playfully pushing on Mary’s knee.

She lightly whacks Lily off. “I didn’t think you’d say yes!” Mary admits. “It’s sort of a big
ask.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“Well, alright then,” Mary says contently. “So…”

They eye one another, really not far apart at all. Lily blushes deeply, realizing they have to
actually do it, there’s more than just saying she will.

“You’re the one with experience,” she quietly points out for Mary to do whatever needs to be
done. It isn’t like Lily hasn’t watched movies where people kiss, but it must be different in
real life.

Mary thins her lips. “Orange Boy.”

“Yeah, still experience. Most I’ve gotten is a kiss on the cheek from my family.”

“Alright! Fine,” Mary exhausts anxiously. “Um…well I remember you gotta be closer, think
it’d be awkward if you were all hunched over.”

Lily scoots in until their knees touch and keeps her hands clasped in her lap so Mary doesn’t
see how they tremble.

“And then…you just sort of lean in and do it.”

She knits her brows. “I don’t think that’s a very good explanation.”

“Well, yeah,” Mary says. “That’s what the practice is for.”

“Sure. Um. Well, are you gonna do it, or am I?”

“You, probably. Since you’ve never done it before. I could like…grade it or something.”

Lily chokes a laugh. “Grade it? You’re gonna grade me?”

“Mhm. Tell you what’s gotta be improved, the whole thing.”

“Sirius would say shabang…”

“Sorry?”

She did not mean to say that out loud. Lily bites back a smile. “He said that once.”

Mary looks at her incredulously. “I will not let you talk about Sirius Black right now.”

“Why not? What if I wanted to snog him after all?” Lily lies.

“You’re joking, yes—?”

“Obviously.”

“Okay.”

They’ve been sitting a few centimeters from each other's face for quite some time now. Lily
has to make the move, but it’s just…scary. She doesn’t know if it’s because it’s technically
her first kiss or because it’s Mary she’s kissing.
What?

Screw it.

Without warning, Lily leans forward and squeezes her eyes shut tight before coming into
contact with plump lips against her own.

She quickly jerks back and swallows down her nerves that keep trying to bubble up.

It doesn’t look like Mary even had the time to close her eyes. “Bit quick,” she teases.

Lily scrunches her nose up. “I got…scared.”

“Well, no problem,” Mary replies. “That’s what the practice is for.”

“Okay. Go again then?”

“Yeah. Try softer.”

She tries imagining she’s not kissing Mary, and somehow that makes it easier. Lily leans in
slower and kisses someone. It could be anyone, like a bloke.

Mary actually gets the time to kiss her back this round, she’s gentle with it, and much better
than Lily is. Somehow she can just tell.

Lily pulls away again, heart thumping faster than it really should be.

“Um, good?” She asks a bit lamely.

“Better,” Mary says. “But you get all nervous too fast. I have trouble with that too, I think it’s
all about confidence. Like, don’t think about it too hard, just do it.”

Lily grumbles, playing with the hem of her dress. “I think hard about everything, though.”

“That’s true, I forgot you’re nerdy like that.”

“Oh, shut up!”

Mary laughs, placing a hand on her shoulder. Lily glances down at it. “So, you ever see in
movies that the boy and the girl will hold each other’s faces and things?” Lily nods. “Well,
maybe having something to do with your hands will keep your mind from thinking too hard
about other things. So, like…for example.”

Mary leans in this time, actually physically pulling her in by the jaw which takes her by
surprise. Oh, this one is good. Why didn’t Mary start it the whole time?

Lily tilts her head to the side, feeling a bit floaty. She still doesn’t know what to do with her
hands, so they continue to sit stiffly in her lap. Mary’s just really good at this, and she’s
actually quite jealous about it.
Mary begins to pull away, but Lily’s competitive nature gets the best of her. She reaches up
and drags her back in by the nape, the other hand resting where her neck and shoulder meet.

She can feel Mary’s skin heating up from that move, and she nearly smiles at her
accomplishment. Not so bad now, huh?

There’s not a lot of air left stored in her lungs, so she comes off with a slight gasp. Mary
stares at her with wide eyes before blinking down at the bed.

“Good?” Lily asks breathily, hands still in position.

Mary nods weakly. “Yeah. Yeah, I think you got it. Um. I think you’re good to go now. Both
of us.”

She smiles proudly while ignoring every rapid beat of her pulse. “You were really good as
well. Like the skills and that.”

“Thanks…”

Lily hums and clears her throat, removing her hands and lying back down. “Well, that was
fun! I think boys would like kissing you.”

“Uh huh…”

“I’m serious!” She jests, urging Mary to come lay down with her again. “You’ve got like…
soft lips, they’re more cushiony than mine.” Lily has no clue where in her this is coming
from, sort of just spilling from her mouth with no filter. Usually she keeps these sorts of
things to herself. Not that she’s thought about it before.

Mary settles on her side and curls her arms up beside her head, face still tinted a deep red.
“Well you’ve got the confidence down. That move you did was um… bold,” she says.

Lily can’t help the way her eyes drift downwards, and there is something that swells in her
while thinking about how she knows what they feel like. She thinks she might want to kiss
her again, but…that would be weird, wouldn’t it? They’ve ended the practice.

Honestly, this is the last situation she thought she’d be in today. Lily expected to go home
after the film then send letters to plan the next time they’ll see each other. Now they’ve
snogged…so that’s interesting.

“You should sleep over,” Mary suggests. “Would your family mind?”

Lily glances down at the small bed and isn’t sure where exactly she’d sleep, but she wants to.
“Maybe they will in the morning since I did sort of burst into flames while I was leaving.”

“…Pardon?”

“Floo.”

“Ah…”
She decides to stay. They play card games, listen to more of her music, Mary even talks about
some of her muggle friends in the pictures. It’s like she’s a normal kid for a while, there’s no
magic here.

The hours pass quickly and her limbs begin to drag her down. She heavily plops back onto
Mary’s bed and lays out flat.

“Y’know, I don’t have any pyjamas,” Lily yawns. All she has here is her dress, she couldn’t
sleep in that. “I could pop back home and get some.”

“Oh, no need. I’ve got it,” Mary remarks, shuffling over to her dresser to pull whatever she
has out. “You don’t seem a nightgown girl to me.”

“Nah. At home I’ve got a lot of sets, like tanks and shorts and whatnot.”

Mary hums to herself, then after a moment pulls out just what she described, but in a light
blue. “Like this?”

“Yep!”

Lily gets changed in the bathroom, a colorfully tiled room. She takes her hair down and
checks that her face hasn’t looked mucked up this entire time. No food in her teeth…good.

She finds Mary already on the bed in a white nightgown with her hair wrapped up. Now she
feels like she’s at school a bit. Small bed, night dressings, Mary.

Now, Lily hasn’t been to many sleepovers in her life, but she does know that typically the
guest sleeps on the floor or a waterbed. Mary hasn’t bothered to bring any out. Considering
they technically snogged a few hours ago, sharing a bed probably isn’t the worst thing in the
world.

She climbs in, settling beside her friend and keeping her eyes trained on the ceiling.

After a moment, Mary says, “I had a lot of fun today.”

Lily looks at her then and smiles. “Yeah, it all felt so muggle-y, which I haven’t really had
like…ever. Maybe you could go to my house next time?”

“Definitely,” she says quietly. “Finally get to meet the infamous Petunia.”

“Ugh, don’t bring her up, she was such a pain before I got here. She tried to take away my
floo powder. Chances are she has, now that I’ve been out the whole day.”

Mary makes a low noise in her throat and plays with the pillowcase fabric. “Could get Dorcas
or Alice to send you some more. They definitely wouldn’t mind.”

“Mm. Maybe.”

They talk about nothing at all for a while longer, all the way until Lily drifts off beside her.
She doesn’t dream so much like she used to as a kid, not when everything she used to dream
 about is real.

And when she wakes, she’s flat on her back with a weight pressing on her shoulder. She
drearily blinks her eyes open and sees Mary’s body curled up beside her with her head resting
right on the edge of it.

She looks pretty like always. Even sleeping she does.

Lily has this urge to kiss her again, and has been having it. She doesn’t know why, Mary said
she doesn’t need more practice.

There’s all these jittery feelings in her that she can recall starting back in September after
she’d hugged Mary that first time. Carefully, Lily maneuvers Mary’s arm over her middle and
lets it rest there. She allows her eyes to flutter shut once more. Going back home can wait a
few hours.

———

Chapter End Notes

Gay girl canon event just happened here. This is the start of something very new for
both of them and it probably will not play out you expect! But either way, I hope you
liked this one considering it’s the only fun summer chapter.
 Summer 1973: Wedding Bells
Chapter Summary

The Malfoy and Black marriage comes up fast, all eyes are on them. Sirius can’t step out
of line.

Chapter Notes

Content warnings are at the end if you want to scroll to them!

Words: 4.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 15, 1973

A fabric measuring tape twirls its way around his body as a self-writing quill writes down the
measurements. A couple stringed instruments in the corner play themselves for background
music, and this all looks so very snobbish. Sirius stands still with his arms spread open,
feeling a bit silly and wishing this were over already.

There is the middle-aged witch they hired to do the family’s tailoring at his side. She eyes
him up and down and occasionally leans over at the scroll to check on it.

“Your mother has given me strict instructions with your suit, Sirius Black,” she says, pulling
out a scroll from a hidden pocket.

Her name is Elspeth Lovelace, which is weirdly fitting for a tailor. It’s like if James was
named James Lovebroom. He nearly chuckles at his own stupid joke as she begins to read off
the list.

“Black base, made of the finest fabrics you own. Green and silver trimmings and
embroidered silver constellations in the lapel. The constellation must be of Orion, of which
his father is named after,” Lovelace lists off, a bit of an exaggerative tone in her voice.
“There are many more requirements on this list, Sirius Black. I imagine your mother has very
high expectations. I plan to meet them all.”

He stays quiet, letting the measuring tape do its work. That’s the thing about Pureblood
weddings, it’s just one big event to show off how wealthy you are. Like a competition of
sorts, as if Sirius was to get married right that moment too.

The topic of marriage is strange for him, and he knows it’ll be brought up more after this.
Narcissa was set up for Lucius when they were fourteen and fifteen, expected to be married
by this summer. Sirius turns fourteen in a few months, he tries not to think about it. There
aren’t many Pureblood girls to his family’s standards that are also his age, if any. The
Rosier’s daughter, Pandora could be considered if it weren’t for the fact that most think of her
as odd.

What is expected of him is a girl for the heir to the House of Black. Not a girl who just about
meets the standards for them. He doesn’t think about it.

The next time he meets Lovelace is when the suit is finished, five days later. Typically, suits
take about two, so he can’t imagine all the things she’s done for it.

It’s draped on a mannequin shaped exactly like him in the center of the dark floor. He steps
towards it slowly, eyeing it and knowing it’s something he’d never want to put on.

Just as she described, it’s all black with a bit of a shine, almost like silk. There’s a pale green
and silver fabric interwoven around the cuffs and edges of the suit jacket and vest. The lapels
really do have the Orion constellation on the inside, which bothers him. He’ll have Bellatrix’s
star on him, but not his own. The family crest, which has been simplified into just a small
silver skull, is pinned into the jacket pocket.

This looks like it would be the most expensive thing he’s ever worn, but he doesn’t want it.
It’s as if Walburga had known he’d hate it and put everything he would despise on it. Like
Slytherin threw up in a beautiful pattern on some really nice fabric.

Lovelace smooths out the sleeves on the mannequin while presenting it to him. “Pure
charmeuse, very breathable for the weather, not a thread out of place. I managed every detail
your mother assigned,” she smiles. “Does it meet your standards?”

She actually seems like a nice lady despite everything. Sirius can’t really bring himself to
take out his annoyance with Walburga on her, so he nods. “Yes, it looks lovely,” he says.
“Thank you, it will be perfect for the wedding.” Sirius clasps his hands together and slightly
bows his head.

“That’s good to hear, Sirius. Next is your brother, who I’ve received many fewer instructions
for. Heir’s privilege, I suspect,” Lovelace comments, waving her wand and packing up her
things.

Yes, heir’s privilege, such as Walburga’s first greeting words to him being that if he steps out
of line for a moment this summer, he’ll be eating one meal a day for the rest of it.

Sirius has been fairly careful, only going out of his way to sneak out once to send one letter
each to his friends. He didn’t get caught and made sure to tell them not to send anything back
in it.
Regulus is allowed to send letters, though. Of course he is, Walburga and Orion are so proud
of him and his good grades and being in Slytherin. He’s probably talking with Pandora Rosier
since that’s the only person he’s dared suggest being a friend. What do they even talk about?
From the little he’s seen, she seems a bit like an airhead while Regulus is consistently cold
and callous.

Maybe she could loosen him up, who knows?

The actual day of the wedding comes quickly, the thirtieth of July. He’s currently having
something like a standoff with the mannequin placed in his room, eyeing it up and down.

His Gryffindor tie pokes out of his chest in the corner, and Sirius would almost consider it if
it didn’t mean he wouldn’t get much food until September rolls around.

With a sigh, he reluctantly starts to pull it on. It’s the first time he’s put it on and it fits like a
glove. Smooth and silky, resting around his frame like it has no other purpose—which it
doesn’t really. But still.

He looks in the mirror once it’s all put together, and it’s the most unlike him he’s felt…
possibly ever. His hair is still cropped short from that forced haircut and now his body is
covered by this suit he doesn’t want. That sums it up pretty well, everything about this has
been forced on him.

Sirius spins the skull pin on the pocket with a scowl.

“Toujours pur,” he mocks, rolling his eyes and pacing around with a groan. He has to walk
out in front of the Sacred Twenty-eight like this. They’ll love it, and that drives a frustration
into him.

He doesn’t want them to love it, he wants them to scoff and say ‘Sirius Black, always
disrespectful to our super normal beliefs’ or something like that.

There’s a knock on his door, a hesitant one.

Sirius turns and opens it to Regulus, who he already expected. His parents and Kreacher
don’t knock.

At first glimpse, Regulus’ suit is much more plain than his. The material is the same, but
there’s no fancy embroidering and trimmings. The only similarities are the Orion
constellation in the same location as well as the skull pin.

Regulus sighs. “I can’t believe I’m going to you for this, but…”

“Bow tie?”

“…Yes,” he mutters in reluctance, dropping black fabric in Sirius’ outstretched palm.

Regulus gives him a once over then, eyebrows furrowing and then glancing down at himself.
It’s like Sirius can hear the thoughts going through his mind.

“Heir privileges,” he jokes, but Regulus doesn’t laugh. Never really does, to be honest. “Just
what Walburga ordered, you think I want to wear this?”

Sirius steps closer to do his tie for him as Regulus clenches his jaw at what he’s just said.

“I wish you would just be grateful,” he says quietly. Sirius pulls the ends of the bow tight and
glances back up at his brother before taking a step back.

“I’m grateful for Lovelace, she’s the one who actually made the thing,” Sirius comments,
crouching down to pull his dress shoes on. “Walburga asked for all of this to spite me, she
knew I’d hate it.”

Regulus scoffs. “You hate it? She didn’t do it to spite you, you’re the heir of the house,
you’re the example. She’s presenting you well, you would’ve shown up in rubbish
otherwise.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to be presented, Reg, you ever think about that?”

“I don’t want you calling me that.”

Sirius gets back to his feet. “Big deal, it’s just a stupid name.”

Regulus crosses his arms. “It makes me sound like a child.”

“That’s what you are,” Sirius says. “Look at you, throwing a tantrum right now because I
don’t wanna wear a stupid suit. Are you sad Mummy didn’t put as much care into yours?”

He doesn’t know where that came from or why he said it. But he doesn’t apologize, Regulus
is being a right prat right now. There’s a long silence between them.

Regulus steps away from him towards the door. “Don’t try speaking to me at the wedding,”
he mutters angrily, closing it, but he doesn’t slam it, just as he was conditioned.

Sirius sighs, dragging a hand down his face. It’s hardly his fault that Regulus decides to live
with a constant attitude.

What the hell should he be grateful for? That Walburga has him pressed under her thumb? He
just doesn’t want to be punished again, it hurt enough last time.

He heads downstairs, finding his family waiting at the door for him.

Walburga has on a gown that looks like it’ll make her burn up in the heat of July. An elegant
dark green Edwardian gown with black lacing covering nearly the entire skirt. Her hair is
pulled up into a bun with a small hat pinned to hold its place. Orion’s suit is black with green
silk on the inside of the jacket and pockets, his hair slicked back. If Sirius is honest, it looks
like their wedding. Not to mention all of the jewelry. Merlin.
Walburga eyes his suit instead of his face, maybe checking for alterations. At the sight of
none, her mouth becomes less stiff. Perhaps that’s a smile.

“You will be on your best behavior today,” Orion says to him. He doesn’t mention Regulus,
who’s eyeing him hopefully. “You will smile with everyone and present yourself as the heir
we have raised. You are not honest, you are poised and respectful. Hogwarts will not be
spoken of. Understood?”

Sirius pauses before holding back a sigh. “Yes, Orion, I will be the perfect heir this family
needs.”

“Is that snark?” Walburga snaps back.

“No,” he lies. “I won’t act out.”

“You really won’t,” she says sternly. “This is one of the most important weddings in a long
time. Even the Black and Lestrange marriage was not this vital. In times like these, where
well-meaning Pureblood teachers will be fired and threatened. Disgusting,” Walburga snaps.
“You’ve heard of it, haven’t you, Orion?”

He nods solemnly. “Signe Donahue is a respected woman, I’d planned to speak to the
Ministry, see what I can do about her position.”

Sirius’ face tenses up, eyebrows lowering in anger. Donahue was the furthest thing from a
respectable woman. She threatened James, killed dozens of creatures in the forest trying to
murder Remus, and nearly exposed him to the whole school. She’s vile, an absolutely
treacherous woman.

He doesn’t speak out, but his fists clench together tightly at his side. Regulus watches him
warily.

“Good, very good,” Walburga states. “Can’t have any more of this ridiculous modern
culture.” She sighs, turning to Sirius. “Take my arm. Regulus, with Orion.”

It’s the first time Reg has been regarded since Sirius has come down here. He nods silently,
taking a hold of his father. Sirius hesitantly grabs onto his mother, ready for the nauseating
apparition to take over.

Oftentimes he’s scared of splinching, but Walburga apparates like breathing. Even when he
hadn’t expected it in first year’s holidays, he was perfectly safe.

His stomach twists and turns, and suddenly he’s somewhere completely different. In fact, it
hardly looks like the same country. The sky is clear and there’s a huge blue lake surrounded
by mountains and trees. Where they’re standing, it’s made of pale stones and marble that
form arches with greenery climbing up the pillars.

It’s beautiful. Sirius feels that this place is far too lovely for his family’s color scheme. Once
he turns and sees the other families, he finds that they’re all wearing black too. All the sacred
families that could show up did.
“I’d told her France, she wanted Italy,” Walburga mutters, stiffly locking her arm around
Orion’s to enter the venue.

Sirius glances at Regulus, but he doesn’t get anything back. He follows after his parents,
entering an area somehow grander than Bellatrix’s, who he thought went all out.

There are floating candles and self-playing instruments, trays among trays of food made by
house elves. They look like they’ve been washed, which doesn’t surprise him that much. He
does sort of wish the food was made by people. There are dozens of caterers with all sorts of
drinks in thin glasses though, offering them to everyone around them. Maybe that’s so no one
has to directly interact with the elves.

The Mulciber and Avery families are here and he scowls in their direction. Snivellus’ friends
and the arse who tried to hurt Lily.

There’s the Crabbe’s, Goyle’s, Nott’s, all the bastards in one group. Bellatrix and Rodolphus
Lestrange chat with the Parkinson’s. Everyone in here really is dressed like they’re the one’s
getting married, it’s almost hilarious.

Sirius finds himself alone, looking around and realizing that there’s no one here for him. The
Potter’s are Purebloods, but their blood traitor status wouldn’t let them anywhere near an
invitation. Regulus has found his person, he and Pandora are sitting at a table in the corner
just…talking. She has on a looser and more modern black and blue dress. Her blonde locs are
pulled up where half of it makes a large bun atop her head.

Regulus looks fairly content there, visibly less tense than he’d been with Sirius. But Sirius
has no one. If Andromeda were here, he’d speak with her, but she isn’t. He wonders how
Narcissa must feel with her sister not being at her wedding. Andromeda had been to
Bellatrix’s before she was disowned.

He could write her about it once the summer ends, but how would that make her feel? Hey,
Andromeda, your sister got married and you weren’t invited. Perhaps she wouldn’t care, she
made her choice to marry Tonks for a reason.

So he just sort of…idles around, waiting for someone to talk to him about things he couldn’t
care less about.

“Sirius, my boy!”

He spins around, and there’s Professor Slughorn of all people right beside his Uncle Alphard.
Sirius pulls on a stoic face, but Slughorn knows him from school, he’ll know this is all fake.

“Hello, Professor Slughorn, and Alphard. Good to see you,” he smiles stiffly.

He doesn’t speak to his uncle very often. He’s fairly shy for a Black family member,
everyone else loves showing off everything they have, so he’s easy to forget.

Slughorn ushers him into one of the chairs and sits beside him and Alphard. “I was just
recalling my time teaching your good uncle here. He was a part of my Slug Club.”
“Your…” Sirius grimaces. “Slug Club?”

“Yes! Good times, very good times. Always. It’s a club for my best students,” he says, not
even bothering to tell Sirius about how he could join it. He wouldn’t even if he offered. “I
expect your brother will be joining me one day.”

Sirius nods. “Well, he is clever, isn’t he?”

“Absolutely! Astonishing skills, rivaling my two finest young students. You know, I’m rather
impressed with the muggle girl, Miss Evans,” Slughorn continues. Sirius doesn’t comment on
‘muggle girl’. “I’d expected Mr. Snape to do fine, his mother was a Prince after all. But this
girl is a nobody with skills that match his! Marvelous, isn’t it?”

“I…suppose.”

But Slughorn just keeps talking. “Alphard, you remember back in the day, not a single non-
Pureblood witch or wizard had been in my Slug Club. The world just gets bigger!”

Alphard sips a fizzy looking drink in a glass and half shrugs. “I don’t think my two cents to
this topic are important,” he speaks nonchalantly.

“Well, of course they are!” Slughorn exclaims. “Everyone’s got opinions, I’d love to hear
both of yours. With this rise in muggleborns and half-bloods, most of the Sacred find it
absolutely despicable. But you, Mr. Black, you’re always hanging out with those they’d
consider traitors.”

“Erm, well…”

“Do you really?” says Alphard.

Sirius scratches his neck. He was told not to talk about school, but his teacher is here asking
about it, what is he supposed to do? “They’re my roommates,” he dodges.

“Yes, very well, but your brother fraternizes with the odd Ravenclaw Rosier, he’s even doing
it now. What I’m saying is that you do have a choice, really.”

“…Okay.” Sirius says stupidly. He really doesn’t know what to say here. “Erm, I believe I
have other matters to attend to. Thank you for the chat, Professor, Alphard,” he acknowledges
both, shaking their hands.

As he walks off, he can faintly hear Slughorn talk until he’s too far away. “I wish he acted
like that in my classroom, you should see him with…”

He keeps up these stupid appearances until the actual wedding starts, going from person to
person and dealing with an endless onslaught of questions. There are far too many
government members here and all of them gravitate to him like a celebrity, including a
pompous young woman who pesters him about a future for him in the Ministry.

The last thing Sirius wants is some prissy old government position where he gets to feel
important putting people down. Of course, there are plenty of positions that don’t involve
this, but if he ever got involved in something like Floo Regulation, he’d likely get burnt at
the stake.

These people eat up his every word, though. As if Sirius is the one with the power despite
being a thirteen year old talking out of his ass.

When they’re called outside, he and the rest of his family sit in seats reserved for them, his
being right next to Regulus. His brother doesn’t seem too happy about it given that he’s
moving his chair closer to Orion, though. Petty bastard.

Once everyone’s settled, the self-playing instruments play a different song. It’s a slower one,
much more free-flowing.

Everyone else turns their heads, so Sirius follows. Narcissa and Lucius are walking down the
aisle, hand in hand.

Both pale blonde and dressed in all white, they starkly contrast the mass of black around
them. They almost look like ghosts. At the front of the aisle stands Cygnus Black who
watches them delightfully. Delightfully, meaning the frown on his face isn’t so deep.

They face each other, perpendicular to the crowd. Sirius kind of spaces out here, he doesn’t
care about vows and promises to uphold family ideals and blood and blah blah
blah. Whatever. He wonders if James is having a good summer unlike him. Is Remus?

He hopes Remus is alright, especially everything going on with his mother.

Eventually, Cygnus holds out his wand between their outstretched hands and creates a golden
thread that wraps around their arms. An Unbreakable Vow. It’s a Pureblood thing. Mess
things up, you die. Fair enough.

Druella, in all her black garb, hands two rings with these giant green stones on them to the
newly wed Malfoys. Narcissa Malfoy, that’s definitely strange. She only turned eighteen a
couple weeks ago and now she’s married off with a new surname. At least Sirius won’t have
to change his whenever this happens to him, which is something he doesn’t want to dwell on.

They share a kiss and he looks away, gross.

Immediate family follow the two out afterwards…he yawns, bored and waiting for something
interesting. James would do something funny at this point and make him laugh. At least the
actual party is next. He can drink wine and feel like an adult for a minute.

And that’s exactly what he does. He picks a glass of deep red liquid as the magical band
plays more upbeat music and everyone goes back to chatting. Sitting down with it alone, he
feels pretty content. Glancing over his shoulder for any more people who want to bombard
him with conversations, he gets a view of the scene.

Narcissa would be attached to Malfoy by the hip if it weren’t for the puffiness of her white
skirt. She is latched. Sirius chuckles, turning back around and sipping away. Uncle Alphard
actually wouldn’t be such bad company right now. He seemed fairly relaxed considering the
way the rest of his family acts, so he wonders how he made it out sane with his mother and
Cygnus as siblings.

Honestly, he just can’t wait to go home and never have to wear this suit again. It’s beginning
to feel too stuffy for him. Sirius gets up and takes his drink with him outside, happy that it
refills itself once it runs out. He’s a bit tingly though, so perhaps it’s best to slow down.

Sirius leans against one of the stone pillars, gazing out on the crystal lake and the sun setting
below the juts of mountains. It reminds him of his birthday when he and James had flown so
high they could see the whole of the grounds. Just like this. The lakes, forests, mountains, the
sunset.

“Bye James,” he jokes quietly, taking a big gulp of wine as the light slowly descends. He
should cut it now, that’s his second drink. The glass refills itself anyway.

After maybe twenty minutes, Sirius turns to go back inside. He hasn’t drank any more, he’s
good like that.

Then what could possibly be the worst thing to happen to him does.

He collides with a big wall of fabric and drops his glass to the ground with a shocked yelp.
Sirius opens his eyes, meeting the face of…of Narcissa. Covered in blood red wine,
surrounded by broken glass that’s just loudly shattered on marble.

She gasps, looking down at her once perfect white dress and hisses, “Sirius!”

Shit.

Sirius doesn’t have his wand on him to fix it, so he just stands there sputtering out anything
he can. “Narcissa, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to!” He apologizes quickly.

Of course the stain could easily be brought out with charms, but that glass shatter and their
combined frantic shouts were too loud. Naturally people are going to see what the
commotion is.

This was a massive event, like his parents said. Everything had to be perfect.

Sirius has just gone and messed something up. Walburga is going to see it, everyone is. His
hands begin to shake as he nervously drops down to pick up the glass with his bare hands.
His knees are in the red wine and it’s already seeped into the front of his jacket. He’s starting
to breathe quite rapidly as he does it.

“Sirius, don’t, just—“ Narcissa says quickly, eyes darting at the curious growing crowd
around them.

“No, no, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry!”

He’s tugged up by his arm, being spun and turned to face his mother. Her eyes are wild but
her voice is calm. “Don’t worry everyone!” She announces. “Druella, do you mind helping
her out? Our bride has a second dress planned, she will be back in one moment! Continue on
with the party!”

Orion urges the crowd inside with just a wave of his hand for them to follow, and they do.
Her grip on Sirius’ wrist is like a vice, bruising even. He does his very best to not let his fear
or pain show on his face with everyone here.

The patio is empty and the facade of hers drops.

He’s roughly pulled across the hall into a darker empty corridor. Sirius whines in pain from
the hold she has on him, but doesn’t protest.

“What did I say? ” She scolds quietly, more terrifying than if she were to shout.

He trembles where he stands, mind on fight or flight. “I—I didn’t mean to, it was a mistake,
really!”

“I don’t care!” Walburga hisses, tugging him forward. “You’ve made a fool of yourself in
front of every valued person you’re ever going to meet. Look at yourself, you look
disgusting! Ruining the beautiful suit I had made for you, was it on purpose?”

“No, no it wasn’t. It was—“

“An accident, I’m sure. I saw the way you looked at it, as if this family is something to be
ashamed of when you should only be ashamed of yourself.” Her eyes are like ice, sending
sharp daggers into his lungs. Maybe that’s why his breathing is so rough. “Absolutely
disgraceful. You will be punished once this is over and then you’re restricted to one meal a
day until you go back. Perhaps then you’ll recognize the weight of your actions. Do you
understand?”

Sirius nods quickly. “Yes.”

“Yes, what?” She raises her voice enough that it has him shrink away.

“Yes, Walburga, I understand! I’m sorry,” he gasps. “I didn’t want to do that, I wasn’t trying
to ruin the wedding, please—“

“Please? You don’t beg, you’re a Black not a stray dog!” Walburga drags him further down
the hall until the party is a far distance away. He can’t even hear the music from here.
“Groveling on the ground, picking up shattered glass like an elf! Horrible, just horrible…”

It’s forceful this time, making his vision spin and blur, insides turning out, maybe it’s the
wine. But he can’t think because he’s falling back in his bedroom to the ground.

Sirius scrambles back to the edge of his bed frame, trembling in terror.

He doesn’t want it, he didn’t mean to do it, it was an accident.

Just a mistake, just a stupid mistake. Forgive me, Mother, I can’t help myself.
 He squeezes his eyes shut, anticipating the pain, but Walburga doesn’t punish him yet. She
snatches his wand off his desk and slams the door behind her. From the faint click, it’s being
locked from the outside. He’s trapped.

He’s going to have to sit here and wait for her for hours now, which is torture. He would
rather get over with it, set his fucking nerves alight.

Sitting in the nicest thing he’s ever worn, crimson stained, Sirius curls up on the floor until
the moon is high up in the sky, shaking and gasping. And he’s sorry, he is so very sorry.

He wants James. Him and his stupid face telling him it won’t be that bad, that maybe she’ll
go easy. Or he’d just sit and comfort him, being affectionate in a way Sirius can’t.

Sirius needs to be held since his mother doesn’t know how to. He needs James.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: panic attack, abuse

This one absolutely kills me, but there’s a lottt of important character stuff here from a
bunch of different people that I think is worth noting :). I hope you enjoyed (as best you
can lmao) and are ready for the last summer chapter. Buckle up.
 Summer 1973: A Mother’s Love
Chapter Summary

Remus gets thirty days.

Chapter Notes

Check the CWs at the end if you think you need them!

Words: 4.5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 1, 1973

With his bags thrown carelessly into his house, the first thing Remus does is rush to the
hospital. Through letters, he knows vaguely of her current condition, Lyall has been keeping
everything short and simple. But from what he’s gathered, she’s not getting better.

White walls, white floors, white lights. He’s sure every scar on him is highlighted here.

Hospitals instill a fear into him. All of these people are either mourning, waiting around for
answers, or dying themselves. Of course there are people that get to leave, but you never
really hear about them.

What he does hear: babies crying, the pushing of metal wheels on vinyl tiles, heart monitors,
clicky pens, the buzzing of the light above him.

It’s that damned sensitive hearing again. This is the last place he wants to have it in.

He must look odd still dressed in his school uniform sans the tie, the attire here seems to be
the kind you wear when you have no time to consider it. Remus and his dad move up the
elevator with a couple of others in silence.

There’s a young girl with her mum having her hand held in the corner. They’re both blonde,
the girl wearing a clean blue dress and little Mary Janes. The mother looks somewhat like
Hope the last time he saw her. A bit taller, not as thin, but similar all the same. She looks
kind. He can’t help the twinge of jealousy he gets for a child, just this innocent girl. She has
no idea how bad it gets.
The elevator slows and jerks to a stop on their floor. Apparently, Hope is in Room 308, so it’s
not many doors down.

Before he enters, Lyall gets him by the shoulders. “Listen, Remus…” He mumbles in the
empty hallway. “I should have you know, she doesn’t look like she did in January.”

Remus nods. “I know, I didn’t expect her to.”

“Yeah, it’s just—well, I’m…” His dad stammers. “She doesn’t eat, really. Can’t bring herself
to, even when she knew you were coming. So it’s just—“

“Dad, it’s fine. Well, not fine. But, y’know, I can handle looking at my mum.”

Lyall stands up straight, nodding quickly and letting out a breath. He slides the door open and
pokes his head through.

“Hope,” he calls gently. “I brought Remus.”

He shuffles in slowly, walking in under his dad’s arm.

The thing is, saying you can handle something is just a set of words put together.

The last time he saw his mother, her hair was long and blonde, coming in waves down her
neck. Her skin was always a bit flushed, thin, but in a healthy way. Her eyes had this olive
green twinkle to them that matched his own.

He approaches her hospital bed where she lays, tired and weak. Where her hair should be is
instead covered with a pretty patterned cloth, but he knows it isn’t there anymore. Her skin is
pale and clings to her bones, leaving her face a bit gaunt and her under eyes purple. Despite
all of this, her eyes still sparkle once she sees him.

“Mum,” he breathes in relief, leaning over the bed to hug her and gently rest his head on her
stomach. He doesn’t press hard, he wouldn’t dare.

She smiles with pale lips, slowly carding a hand through his curls. “Oh, my baby. I missed
you,” she says, and it sounds like it hurts to speak.

Remus wants to say ‘Why didn’t you let me visit?’ but the last thing he wants to do right now
is interrogate her. She had her reasons and he respected them. But she just feels so frail
beneath him that a lump resides in his throat.

“I missed you too,” he whispers shakily.

She softly nudges his head to look up at her. He does so, and she presses a thumb into the
outer corner of his welling eyes. “Don’t cry.”

“‘M not…” Remus sniffles, blinking away tears.

His mum keeps a soft smile on her face and continues to gently ghost her hands along his
features. His cheeks, hair, nose, chin, like she’s trying to memorize him after so long.
“Why don’t you tell me about school?” Hope asks. “Lyall showed me some of your letters,
but you—you never really…” She pulls her face away to cough up a storm for a minute, and
Remus waits. It doesn’t stop his eyes from stinging again though. “You never talked much
about school,” she finishes, voice croaking.

“Hope,” his dad calls from the other side of the room. Weirdly enough, Remus forgot he and
his mum aren’t the only two people in the universe. “I’m really sorry, but I have to head to
work,” he says sadly. Lyall walks over, leaving a cup of water on the bedside table. He kisses
her forehead and lightly grasps her hand. “I’ll see you when I pick Remus up, I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replies. He nods, dropping her hand and leaving Room 308 to just them.
The only two in the universe.

Remus clears his throat to keep emotions from swelling up again. “Can I come up here with
you?”

Hope looks down at the small hospital bed then slowly shifts herself to the right, giving him
just enough room to curl in. And he does, making sure that he doesn’t lay on her chest. She’s
not warm or soft like she used to be, but he couldn’t care less. His eyes fall shut as she holds
him like nothing has changed.

“School was hectic this year,” he mumbles. “I’ve never really told you about the people I met
other than their names. But they’re my best friends, all three of them.”

She hums, letting him continue.

“Like James Potter, he’s cool. He’s on the Quidditch team, and he’s seriously obsessed with
the sport. He isn’t perfect, but he’s really nice and just unconditionally cares for people. I've
never met someone like him before. Peter’s another one of them, he’s quite funny but he
doesn’t mean to be. One time in class he purposely spoke out to get detention and I was
trying really hard not to laugh.”

Remus doesn’t talk about his friends in this way to anyone, he’s really just letting it all flow
out. Hope seems to like listening to him though, her hand in his hair continuing its
movements.

“Sirius Black is the last one, he’s probably my best friend of them. I’m not his best, that’s
James, but I don’t mind. We had this spat in the beginning of the year, but he made it up to
me and we’re honestly closer than ever. Always helping me out and whatnot. He’s dealing
with this terrible family though, so…I do hope he’s alright right now. I’d hate if something
happened to him,” he admits, going a little quiet.

His mum rests her chin against the top of his head and pulls him closer. “You must like Sirius
a lot then,” she whispers. “He seems important.”

Remus smiles to himself. “Yeah. I don’t think I would’ve been able to trust the others without
—oh, right. Mum, they know. All three of them. But they don’t mind it at all. James and
Sirius have been helping me with it, actually.”
“Really?”

“Mhm.”

“Oh, that’s lovely,” she beams, squeezing his arm. “I’d always hoped—well your father and
I…we never knew what to do. I’m sorry we kept you from friends growing up.”

Remus shakes his head. “It’s not your fault at all. I would’ve done the same.”

“I know…I just feel guilty…”

“Don’t,” Remus says firmly. “I got lucky here. There are people much less accepting than
they are, believe me. It could’ve been worse.” Like dead, he thinks. He would never tell
anyone that though, especially his mum.

He talks to her for hours, recalling days at a time while she just listens quietly, giving an
occasional comment. Remus tells her about the nicer pranks they did, Lily and how she was
the first to know and never said a word about it for almost an entire year. Donahue’s name
never gets brought up.

His stories turn to mumbles and yawns to the point where he’s just humming vague words
into his mother’s arms. She shushes him, rubbing up and down his back.

“Sleep, love,” she breathes. She doesn’t have any magic, but Remus drifts off instantly.

He ends up visiting her every day, getting dropped off and talking to her until the sun sets and
he falls asleep in her arms once more. Lyall picks him up after his shifts and takes him home
with the lingering feeling of Hope around him.

This time, he tells the story of the Dungbomb prank in a more animated fashion.

“So basically, James found this secret tunnel that leads to Hogsmeade—that’s this little
village near the school. And he brings us all down there and says he’s got this master plan.
James is just like this, he comes up with these crazy pranks all the time. Like once where he
turned the train into a bouncy castle. But this time, we…we ‘buy’ some of these Dungbombs
from Zonko’s—which is a joke shop. We plant them around the castle before breakfast, and
soon enough the whole castle is covered in this green gas. It’s not toxic, by the way. Perfectly
safe. Just looks funny, smells funny. We didn’t even get caught!”

Hope looks incredibly amused, nodding and smiling along as Remus paces the room and
waves his hands around. He’s gotten used to doing this now, it’s his fifth time being here.

He ignores the state of her and how it’s hard for her to sit up to listen to his stories.
Instead, he recalls the time when Peter had blown up one of their potions from spilling an
ingredient and it made the four of them laugh so hard he didn’t even care.

He even tells her about Sirius’ weird week-long phase where he started singing on tables and
wearing ties on his head, ignoring the fact that they weren’t talking at the time.

There’s Sirius’ birthday, where they’d come in through the window and scared Peter half to
death. James’ birthday, where he got jelly-legged and Remus and Peter had to outrun the
caretaker. The invisibility cloak and how James keeps using it to scare the hell out of them
all.

Remus never talks about the sad things, he would never burden her with that information. If
she thinks everything has been good, maybe she’ll get the strength to feel better.

Even if it doesn’t, telling the stories like this makes Remus feel that things were more fun
than they might have seemed while he was living them.

On weekends Lyall is able to stay the whole day, and they both just listen to their son talk. It
gives him solace to just be a family together since before this there was a disconnect, even if
none of them wanted to admit it.

But every time, he falls asleep with her, listening to the wheeze of her chest that does little to
comfort him. Remus feels so young like this, laying in her weak arms on day fourteen.

He misses one night, and only one. Day fifteen, but only because he had no choice. Lyall
fixed him up the next morning, and he headed straight to the hospital despite not being fully
recovered.

She hasn’t given him any stories yet, it has always just been Remus talking while she listens.
It is on that day—day sixteen—where she starts recalling things of her own.

“Y’know,” she rasps. “When you were a little tot, before anything ever happened, you always
tried making friends at the playground. There was this time in the sandpit you made a castle
for this little boy because you wanted him to talk to you. It was the sweetest thing.”

Remus thought he’d be upset hearing about what his life could have been like. But he isn’t, it
makes him chuckle and go pink in the face. “Sounds like me,” he comments with raised
brows.

“Yep,” she remarks with a grin. “You always tried giving little gifts to people, it was
adorable. The other mums at the park would always coo when you’d give the cool rocks to
other kids.”

“Huh…” Remus hums. “Just out of curiosity, what happened after I got…y’know. With the
other mums in the town, it probably looked like I disappeared.”

Hope coughs for a minute, regaining her composure and thinking on what to say. “Uhh…well
I do remember telling one of them that you’d started school and kept yourself very busy. And
then we moved of course.”

“Why did we?”

She grimaces, smile lowering. “I don’t think—“

“Please?”

Hope sighs weakly, closing her eyes. “They thought we had…hurt you. They didn’t say very
nice things,” she whispers. “We moved somewhere more secluded so it wouldn’t happen
anymore.”

Oh…it makes sense in a terrible way. He gets it, if he knew a family with a young child and
then heard cries and screams all night, he’d assume the same. Remus wonders what his first
transformation was like. He can’t remember it. His first memories that have stuck with him
are from when he was around seven. No matter what memories he tries to pull up, Remus
will always already be sick in them.

“Mum?” He starts hesitantly. “Could you…well…do you remember the first time?”

“Of course I do,” she says, a sickened look spreading across her gaunt face. “I’d never forget
it. We didn’t know what to expect…so we waited. Well it was…love, I thought you were
going to die, I was terrified,” Hope shudders, tears welling up in her eyes. “You were just a
pup, just a baby.”

Guilt floods him as he watches his sick mother break out into tears because of him. This
won’t help her to breathe, he’s just horrible isn’t he? Tears begin to prickle at his eyes too,
mirroring her. They have the same eyes, so they must be connected in some way.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Mum, I’m sorry.”

She waves a hand and shakes her head, chest uneasy and voice cracking out, “No, no, it’s
alright. I’m just remembering it, it was—it might’ve been one of the worst nights of my life.”

He looks down and a tear drops straight from his eye to the white floor. That isn’t fair, she
should have been able to live normally, raise a normal son. He made one of the worst nights
of her life. He did that.

Somehow, he can imagine it. Him, tiny and stubby in the living room handcuffed to some
furniture, his parents watching him warily as the sun sets. Chances are he collapsed, crying
out in pain wondering why no one would help him. Maybe Hope tried to, but Lyall held her
back in fear. In fear of him. The first transformation must have been horrible, his body wasn’t
used to any of the contortions. He screamed loud enough that the neighbors heard, they
thought he was being tortured by his parents, but it was all him.

The worst night of her life. That was him too, it was all Remus’ fault. The isolation, the fear,
the money drained on potions, the disconnect in his family, his mother’s illness—he did this
to her, it was him.
Remus tries wiping his tears from his face, but they just keep coming like a dam has opened
and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Hope is desperately saying something to him, he
should listen, he should really listen. He doesn’t know how long he’ll get to—

He chokes a sob and drops his head onto the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t
want—I didn’t—I’m sorry, Mama I’m sorry…” He repeats over and over. She must be saying
something, she must be.

He doesn’t know how long it takes for something to get through to him.

“Remus, baby, please come up here, please,” she whispers shakily, stroking the back of his
neck gently. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry.”

Limbs move on their own and he’s curled against his mother again. A wounded noise crawls
from the back of his throat as her arms encase him. He’s scared, still in pain from last night,
has never felt like more of a burden, and his mum is dying, she’s dying. He has caused her so
much pain and trouble. How could she hold him?

They don’t have another day like this.

Remus avoids topics that will send either into a spiral like that again.

The next day, day seventeen, he comes back like it didn’t happen. He tells more stories from
school and he doesn’t ask her about the past.

He recalls the time he made his roommates Christmas gifts, how each of their faces lit up.
Sirius had never looked so grateful for something, and it was just a piece of paper with an
eleven year old’s scribbles on it. He’d gotten this cool vinyl record, but he hasn’t given much
regard to it since he has no means to use it. In the middle of this story, he realizes Sirius
should be able to use his music discs at this point. It’s been a long time, but it’s as if he’s
forgotten.

Days later, he’s nearly out of topics, he starts bringing up his and Sirius’ talks at night. How
they just help one another when they think they need it. His and James’ chocolate bar they’ve
made into something only they would understand, now shared with her too. There’s the study
pairing he has with Lily, where they talk like this, just about anything that comes to mind. It’s
getting harder to dodge around the difficult parts of school, there isn’t much left to tell.

It’s day twenty-six, and Remus falls asleep in his dying mother’s arms once more.

Hope looks practically skeletal. He hardly sees her eat, and besides the full moon day, he’s
been here every day for twenty-eight days straight. Her breathing is weak, nothing like how it
was even when he first got here. She doesn’t talk as much as she used to. It’s really just him.
On day twenty-nine, Remus enters Room 308, a regular at the hospital now. He’s used to all
the babies crying, and the wheels on the vinyl tiles, the pen clicking, heart monitors, and
buzzing white lights. This is a second home to him now.

Hope is sitting up in her bed, eating soup on a tray in front of her.

For the first time since he got the news in January, Remus feels…hope. He feels hope. He
smiles, entering the room with his dad.

“Hi, Mum,” he greets, giving her a gentle hug. She doesn’t look healthy by any means, but
she doesn’t look like she’s dying either.

She puts down her spoon and holds him back firmly. Lyall moves to kiss her cheek and
embrace her as well. It feels so normal, too normal for day twenty-nine.

“You look well, sweetheart,” his dad comments. She stares up at him with stars in her eyes.

“Just a bit energized,” Hope rasps, voice still just as poor as it’s been. “Dunno where it’s
come from.”

The three of them lounge out and eat bad hospital food together, simply chatting for hours.
It’s not like it’s been lately, where Remus babbles out a one-sided conversation until he falls
asleep to the sound of struggling lungs. She feels so alive, laughing and swallowing down
soup like she isn’t starved.

Maybe it’s a good sign that she could get to go home one day and be happy. Like, truly
happy. No one can really be joyous in a hospital when they’re sick.

The sun starts to set. Remus doesn’t sleep in Hope’s arms today. He isn’t feeling resigned and
hopeless, so talking as a family doesn’t drain him like it usually does. She starts getting tired
herself, and Remus would hate to keep her up longer than she needs to be. So, he and his dad
announce their departure.

“Remus,” she says quietly, holding his face in both palms. “I love you.” The tip of Remus’
nose is kissed and he smiles shyly. “Tell me more about your friends tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, definitely!” Remus grins despite being completely out of happy things to tell her.

His mum’s eyes linger on his face for a moment. She leans back in and kisses his forehead.
“I’m so glad you found them, I’ve never seen you so happy telling me all the things you’ve
done. How many more stories do you have?”

“Plenty,” he lies.

“Perfect,” she smiles. “Tell me all about them.”

Remus nods and kisses her cheek. “I will! See you, Mum. And I love you too.”

He practically skips out of the room with excitement, a warm smile stuck on his face. His dad
stays in for another few minutes as he waits outside, probably to talk about something
private. Fair enough, he’s taken up all her time the past month.

Once he comes out, he doesn’t look as elated as Remus did, but he always looks like that. A
bit stoic.

They board the train, it’s not a very far distance so they get back quickly. Remus shovels
dinner into his mouth then showers. He hops into bed, ready to see his mum in the same room
tomorrow.

The last thought he has before drifting off is that he should have held her before leaving.

Remus wakes on day thirty with a stretch, lengthening all of his sore joints with a quiet
groan. He steps out into the kitchen almost expecting to see Hope, but knows she isn’t here.
He pops a granola bar between his teeth and gets a glass of water from the sink.

“Dad!” He calls out, munching on the bar. “Can we head over soon?”

He doesn’t get a response and groans, he does this all the time. Pretending he can’t hear him.
Remus puts the bar down and makes his way towards his bedroom.

“Dad?” He calls again. Remus pokes his head into the room and sees his father with the
covers on, back to him. “Hey, I was wondering what time we were going back.”

There’s a long silence between them. Is he asleep or ignoring him?

“Um…did you have a time in mind…or?”

“We’re not going to the hospital today, Remus.”

He blinks, brows knitting together. “Why not?”

Lyall doesn’t answer, but he gets up out of the bed and stands tall before him. He looks…
terrible, to be quite frank.

But he isn’t answering him, just giving this look. It’s a sad look, he can’t really describe it.
Usually he can tell what someone's thinking by their face. Despite that, his silence makes his
insides flare up.

“…Why not?” Remus repeats nervously.

Finally, Lyall opens his mouth. “There’s—“

“Why not?”

“Remus, I got a call.”

His pulse quickens, the hair on his arms standing upright. “What does that mean? Why can’t
we go see her?” He demands.

His dad crouches all the way down to eye level and holds him by the shoulders. His eyes are
empty as he looks into Remus’.

“She didn’t make it to this morning.”

Lyall says it so easily, as if he’s seen it coming for a long time now.

He can’t…wrap his head around that sentence.

Remus shakes his head quickly. “No, she was fine yesterday. We saw her, she was fine.”

“Yes, she was fine,” he mutters. “That happens sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” Remus backs out of his dad’s grasp. “I—I don’t understand, she was
getting better. Dad, she was fine yesterday, we’re going to visit her today.”

Lyall sighs solemnly. “No. No we aren’t. Remus, she’s…she’s not in Room 308 anymore.
Hope isn’t with us, son, do you understand?”

“No!” He shouts. “There’s nothing to understand, she said to come back tomorrow. That’s
today, so we’re going to the hospital!”

“Damn you and this denial, Remus, she was in hospice, what did you expect?!”

That just makes his vision start to spin. “The—what? Hospice? What? You never—“

“Didn’t you ever bother to check?” Lyall snaps. “She was practically on life support the last 2
months!”

Remus blinks back tears, at a complete loss for words. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t
understand.

“No, you never even—you didn’t—? You never told me that!” He cries in anger. “You kept
that from me?!”

Lyall’s jaw clenches shut and he rubs a hand over his face. “None of the nurses ever told
you…”

“No!” He heaves. “No, no they didn’t tell me a bloody thing! Neither did you, you didn’t let
me see her! You—you kept me from seeing her! How could you do that to me knowing she
was going to—how could you—“
 Remus isn’t sure his lungs work right anymore, his brain doesn’t either. They’re turned off,
and he’s collapsed to the ground choking on oxygen. Everyone’s been lying to him, his dad
didn’t tell him. He never said, no one said anything.

Emotional support was never Lyall’s thing. He stands to the side and watches Remus fall
apart until he’s gone so long without a real breath that he gets lightheaded.

“Remus, stop this, you’re going to pass out,” he grumbles with concern, trying to reach out to
him.

He lets out a shriek, scrambling back into the bedframe. “No! You—you…” he sucks in his
first gulp of air in the past minute and pushes himself to his feet, completely dizzy. “You’re a
liar! I saw her yesterday, and she was fine! She was getting better!” He spouts, getting right
up in Lyall’s space and grabbing onto his shirt. “You’re a liar! You’re horrible and a liar and I
hate you, you took her from me!”

His father closes his eyes as Remus gets close to pounding his fists against his chest. “You
don’t mean all of this, Remus. I know how awful this is, and how awful it’s going to be—“

“You took her, you took my mother away!”

“Remus, listen to me—“

“It’s your fault I’m like this and it’s your fault she’s dead now! It’s all your fault…I hate you,
I hate you so much…” Remus dissolves into sobs, pressing his face into his chest.

He wants to hurt him for what he’s done, make him understand how he feels. Claw open his
chest. Take his heart out and crush it beneath his feet. He’d understand then. The very reason
he cares to exist is missing.

Arms come up to hold him, and they’re not hers. It’s not the same, it isn’t her. It’ll never be
her again. The best thing he could get would be burying himself with her, two bodies in one
casket.

It’s day thirty, and Hope Lupin is dead.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: death, cancer, panic attacks

I hate doing this, I swear. That brief burst of energy Hope had is called a surge, by the
way. It’s a super scary thing to watch when you know what it means, but Remus did not.

This was by far the hardest chapter to write and is such a huge part of Remus’ storyline
for the year. The next chapter starts third year, and yes, it really is starting on a note this
low. Take care of yourselves, I hope you enjoyed this :)
 Third Year: Rough Start
Chapter Summary

Moving on is hard.

Chapter Notes

CWs at the end if needed!

Words: 4.1k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 1, 1973

The worst thing about death is that the world doesn’t end.

The sun will rise in the east and set in the west. Even when the light disappears, it always
comes back to taunt you. People still feel joy and laugh with their loved ones at the station,
walking by with no idea what has happened to him. The train to Hogwarts is still here, and
it’s going to whisk him away.

Perhaps Remus should be thankful. He doesn’t have to wake up in that house every day
knowing she won’t be there reading on the couch or cooking in the kitchen. Instead, he’ll be
far away where he can pretend he hasn’t grown cold.

Remus didn’t cry at her funeral and he didn’t give a eulogy either, merely watching the
wooden casket get lowered into the ground in a tense silence. It was a small gathering,
namely relatives from her side he never met. She never visited them, never talked about
them, Remus wonders if she would have even wanted them there.

He wished it had just been the two of them, not even saving room for his dad. If he could
have just sat with his knees in the earth and his face against the closed casket for hours,
maybe he would feel more satisfied with the ordeal.

As the dirt piled up, he had to excuse himself to resist burying himself alive with her.

Lyall brings him through the train station in silence. They’ve hardly spoken since the day she
died, and no, Remus has not apologized for what he said. Even if it isn’t really his fault for
what happened to her, he feels anger all the same. He’s not going to go over it again, he’ll get
sick in the middle of all of these people.

Remus does not say goodbye to him once the train’s doors are in front of him, he just keeps
walking. Boarding the train, he feels separate from himself. All of these people talking and
laughing together and his chest is hollow.

He slides the door to their compartment, the other three already accounted for. The world
keeps turning, James and Peter regard him kindly. Sirius doesn’t regard him at all.

Remus puts his bag in storage without saying a word then drops himself down across from
Sirius.

“Hey, Remus,” James greets with lower energy than he normally does on the train. “You’re
doing alright?”

He rests his head against the window with a light thump. “Yeah,” he utters, fidgeting with the
sleeve of the jumper she made him.

Sirius, suspiciously quiet, looks up to him then. Remus meets him in the middle, eyebrows
furrowing and head clearing for a moment at the sight. He looks different, but not a good
kind of different. Paler—if that was possible—and thinner, making his under-eyes look
purple. It reminds him of Hope, and the hole in his center burrows deeper.

It takes longer than it should for one of them to look away. It’s grating. Perhaps they’ll talk
later, but to be honest, Remus is in no state. He averts his gaze in silence and watches the
train start to chug its way to school for their third year.

———

Lily has never had more of a perfect summer. She hung out with all of her roommates a
bunch; going to the shops, spending hours upon hours playing board games, card games,
outdoor games, you name it.

The train passes by mountains and lakes while the four of them giggle about a restaurant
experience of last week.

“—No, and that waitress, she was so… she needed to get that stick out of her arse!” Dorcas
gushes loudly. “Looking at us like we’re a problem for eating in the restaurant she works in!
‘Ohh…is that…really what you’re getting? Mm, okayy…’” She mocks in a high-pitched
voice.

Lily doubles over, practically in tears by this point. “Right! What was that?!”

Mary crosses her arms with an amused huff. “I think she was a little…” She grits her teeth
and glances at Dorcas.
“Yeah…”

Alice hums. “Yeah, she was looking at you both like…really weirdly. Honestly, I didn’t tip, I
thought it was kind of vile!”

“I did,” Dorcas says. “Thought it might make her reconsider.”

Mary gapes. “You did not tip her after that!”

“Oh, I did…”

Lily’s eyes stick to Mary while the conversation continues and smiles. She looks pretty, the
sun coloring her skin a deep gold while her curls bounce around as she talks.

She hasn’t stopped thinking about that day, and they don’t talk about it. In fact, they don’t
even suggest that such a thing happened between them. It’s probably because it was never
meant to be anything, it was just practice.

And yet, in those two months since then, Lily has…started to come to terms with why she’s
been thinking these things. She’s not an idiot. When she sits around for hours just thinking
about how she wants Mary to be by her side and definitely kissing her again, she knows that’s
not normal. It’s not like she just accepted it either, Lily spent weeks trying to pretend she
didn’t notice. It’s just hard not to notice Mary.

Among all the other reasons this sucks, Lily knows Mary wouldn’t want to kiss her again.

They get to Hogwarts fairly quickly this time with no antics done by Potter. She doesn’t need
to be slipping or bouncing around today, she’s just fine in her seat, thank you.

She gets up with a stretch, pulling her bag down and picking up her tawny owl’s cage. “That
was probably the least hectic train ride we’ve had so far.”

“Maybe Potter’s retired,” Dorcas jokes, pulling a backpack over her shoulders. “He ran out of
ideas.”

“Good riddance.”

Alice scoffs. “Oh, come on! You enjoyed it a little bit.”

Lily shrugs, sliding the door open. “If it wasn’t for you lot making it more fun, I definitely
would’ve hated it.”

“Right…” Mary says behind her. “You’re a bad liar, Lily.”

“Am I?” She asks, stopping to peek back over her shoulder.

Mary rolls her eyes, and moves her along by the shoulders. “Onwards!”

They hop off the train and pass by all the little first years with Hagrid to get to the carriages.
Did she look that small when she got here? Jesus, these kids are hardly up to her shoulders,
and she’s not even tall. That label goes to Dorcas, who grew a handful over the summer.

It’s the same routine as last year: sit in the little carriage booths that take them to school, get
inside, drop their bags off and wait for the elves to take them to their rooms while they sit in
the Great Hall. She does just that beside all of her friends, hoping for the sorting to begin
soon.

From across the room, the other boys make their way in and immediately something is off.
Potter and Pettigrew are the only ones talking while Remus and Sirius look like they’ve just
seen a ghost. Well, metaphorically, she supposes. There are actually ghosts here. It doesn’t
appear like another falling out between them considering they’re contently side by side.

“What’s up over there?” She whispers, a bit nosy.

“You didn’t hear?” Alice replies quietly. “Oh, I suppose you wouldn’t, my parents are in the
ministry. They hear things. I think there was something in the Prophet as well, but I don’t
read it much.”

Lily furrows her brows at her, Mary and Dorcas seem just as confused.

Alice scoots in closer and leans over the table. “There was this really big wedding this
summer in his family, loads of important people there. From what I heard, he spilled wine on
the bride and broke the glass at her feet.”

“What?” She hisses in shock. “That doesn’t sound like him.”

“Yeah, apparently when everyone got out there he was sitting in the spilled wine picking up
broken glass with his hands in a panic. His mum took him off the premises…and no one saw
him after that.”

“Well, that’s horrible,” Dorcas mumbles. “Sounds like an accident, then.”

Lily looks back out at the four of them sitting at the other end of the long table and thins her
lips in concern. What about Remus then? What’s got him troubled?

The Great Hall’s doors croak open and Professor McGonagall brings a trail of first years with
her to the center of the room. She found this all incredibly boring last year too. When you
aren’t the person being sorted, you just sit and wait for about a half hour. She still cheers
whenever a new kid joins them though, she would’ve hated it if no one cheered for her.

From the podium further back, Dumbledore silences the room with a light gesture of his
hands.

“Welcome, or welcome back, to Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,” he begins his
speech like usual. It’s always the same, explaining rules, class times, the plans for after the
sorting. Then the introduction of the professors.

Lily scans her eyes along the seats and notices a new person, a man with deep skin and hair
cropped close to his scalp. He’s broad-shouldered and maybe in his late thirties. He must be
the new Defense teacher after she helped Donahue get fired. She’s still very proud of herself
for that.

“After the expulsion of the previous professor, Miss Donahue, I’d like to welcome your new
Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Mr. Lazarus Ainsworth,” Dumbledore says proudly,
waving a hand over him as the man gets to his feet and bows with a smile.

“He looks way nicer than she did,” Mary comments over all of the clapping.

Lily nods, watching him sit back down with a small hand wave. “Yeah, I think so too.”

———

Sirius scarfed down so much food in the Great Hall that everyone surrounding him looked at
him like he was crazy. Maybe he is, who knows. With hardly any food or sleep for a month,
perhaps something broke.

When Walburga had told everyone to go back to partying, all they did for the rest of the night
was talk about him. Him, the heir of the house, and how embarrassing the display was.

Kneeling in wine, frantic apologies, groveling on the ground like a dog. It took him hours to
realize he’d cut his hands open on the glass and it wasn’t just dried red wine. How must that
have looked to everyone else?

The bloody handprints beside his bed he had to clean until the wood was spotless, and only
then did she heal them so they wouldn’t scar. Can’t have remnants of the night on his skin
forever, can’t have the heir with any physical marks on him.

For a moment, just one sweet moment while she was healing him, Sirius thought that was the
end of it. Just like how she cut his hair, she healed him so gently, smoothing salve over his
shaking hands.

And then she told him to stand up and turn around.

Sirius tries to sleep, he really does. He even placed a Silencing spell around his bed in case he
ended up dreaming. But it doesn’t matter, he can’t get to bed like this, not when he can’t stop
thinking about it.

If someone talked to her about what he did, she’d come back home that night and punish him.
When you’re the talk of every important person in the wizarding world, it’s bound to come
up at least once a day. He even made it into a small article on the Daily Prophet. It never
lasted long, maybe two or three seconds just to get him down and send a reminder of what he
did. But, little food, rest, and a mind with the curse’s haze for thirty-one days…

No, he’s not fucking sleeping tonight.

Sirius rolls over and presses his eyes shut tight, groaning for his brain to just shut up already.
There’s a phantom twitch in his hands still, as if it’s happening to him right now.

He falls into something like a half sleep, this happens sometimes. The world around him
hasn’t faded, but his mind is forcefully tugging him unconscious. It doesn’t work, he can feel
his blankets around him, hear the breeze through the window glass. Glass, like the one he
shattered.

There’s a high pitched smash, fragments falling at his feet in a dissonant melody. Charmeuse
stained red and it’s the nicest thing he’s ever worn. Cracks in glass and nerves on fire, red
curses and red wine. She made him and she will undo him.

Wake up.

Sirius grunts into his pillow, turning side to side in a frenzy. Like the curse.

Red curse. Red fire. Red wine.

Nerves and glass and black suits. Disgrace. Red blood.

He cries out. Wake up.

Sirius kicks his blankets off him and curls up into a ball, shivering, or—twitching. He’s
cursed. Wake up.

Wake up.

There’s a thump on the glass.

Wake up!

His eyes shoot open with a gasp, Sirius scrambles back into the headboard in terror. A noise
tears from his throat as he pulls his knees into his chest and holds himself. It’s dark, it’s so
dark in here.

He flings his bed’s curtain to the side and stumbles out, eyes darting around his surroundings.
Four beds, moonlight in the window, hardly unpacked bags, Remus’ drawing.

James.

Trembling, Sirius moves to the bed next to his own and slowly opens the drapes. He’s there
sleeping, glasses on his bedside table.

He needed him all that time in there, he needed him.

Sirius repeatedly taps James on the shoulder, panting still. “James,” he whispers. “James.”

He grumbles and shifts, blearily opening his eyes to look at him. James blinks and grabs his
glasses off the table. “Sirius? What’s going on?” He rasps, pushing himself up.
“I just—“ Sirius stammers. “I need—“

“Come in here,” James says quickly. Sirius climbs in without hesitation and James casts the
Silencing charm and lights his wand like second nature.

Sirius doesn’t know what to say now that he’s here, shaking and on the verge of tears.

“I read what happened, but I um…didn’t know if you wanted to talk or…or anything like
that. Sirius, I—“

Without letting himself think about it, he surges forward and catches James in a lung crushing
hug, clinging to him with his life.

James doesn’t startle or wait, he immediately holds him back. And he cries, Sirius actually
cries. No one holds him if not to hurt him, except for James.

“I needed you, I needed you,” he whines into James’ shoulder.

“Sirius,” James breathes. “What happened to you?”

He chokes on his own breath, panic settling back in his bones just thinking about it again. “I
think I’m on fire…”

“You’re not on fire,” he comforts quietly. “You’re okay, Sirius, I promise.”

“No, no, no, I’m not!” Sirius gasps, chest tight. He suddenly pushes back from James,
shuddering out, “Too much, that was too much.” He presses his hands onto his eyes and
pants. “I think she broke me.”

There’s a silence that draws out too long for his liking. He takes his hands off his eyes, James
doesn’t just look worried for him, he looks angry.

“You’re not going back there,” he says.

Sirius sniffles. “What…?”

“Sirius, you can’t go back to that house. Spend the holiday at mine instead, I mean it. That
woman is horrible!”

He frowns, breaths still stuttering. “I can’t. She would never let me do that.”

“Yeah, but every time you go back there—other than the one time it was alright—you come
back and it’s like…like she’s unraveled you or something!” James whinges, eyebrows all
scrunched up. “She doesn’t have to let you do anything! She doesn’t own you.”

“Oh, James, she does,” he says sadly. “Both of them do. Forced me into a suit I would never
wear if I had the choice, cut my hair when I didn’t want it, teaching me all these lessons
about being an heir for years… I can’t just—I can’t.”

James shakes his head. “But you can—“

“It’s not that easy!” He huffs, eyes wide. “You don’t get it, and that’s fine. I don’t need you to
solve my problems, I just want your company so I can…y’know. Deal with it.”

“It’s not right. I don’t want to just be there for the aftermath. Why won’t you let me help?”

Sirius pulls his knees into his chest and sighs raggedly. “Because it’s not going to get better.
This is so much bigger than you can handle, I mean I’m—I’m the heir. There’s so much
expected from me, and I don’t want it. But I can’t run away from it.”

“You can,” James practically begs.

“I can’t!” He whines. There’s a beat where they just look at one another. “Can’t you just…
help me right now? For where I am at this moment, and nowhere else. Don’t worry about my
future or anything like that. If you’re gonna… disregard what I want right now, then I’ll just
leave, I’ll go. I’m asking for so little.”

James’ eyes fall shut, he nods slowly. “Do you wanna stay with me tonight then?”

Sirius pauses, quickly coming down to earth. “I…I’m not sure. Is that weird? I feel like
that’s…strange.”

“Is it?” He questions. “I sleep in the same bed as my parents sometimes. I probably shouldn’t
have admitted that,” James mutters to himself. “But it’s not strange.”

He supposes it isn’t. Before Regulus changed, sometimes they would sleep in the same bed
not even for any particular reason. Just because they wanted to.

“Alright, I’ll um…I’ll stay here then,” Sirius says. “I can’t sleep, just so you know. I tried.
Then I ended up here.”

James scoots back and gets his legs under the covers, even bothering to slip off his glasses
and turn the light out. “Well, maybe it’s a sign. C’mere, it’s a sleepover now.”

Sirius actually smiles for the first time in…a while. He rolls his eyes before slipping in beside
him, keeping very still on the edge. James glances at the ridiculous distance.

“Merlin, you’d think I have the pox or something,” he teases. “Snuggle up, don’t be shy.”

“I’m alright, thank you.”

James snorts, turning over and facing away from him. “Okay, suit yourself. If there’s any
problems, let me know.”

“Probably hear it…” Sirius mumbles.

“I don’t mind. Night, Sirius.”

“Erm…g’night,” he says stiffly. And he waits. Ten, twenty, thirty seconds. “What classes do
we have tomorrow?”
“…Tomorrow’s Sunday.”

“Oh,” Sirius hums. “Monday?”

With a sigh, James says, “Charms, Defense, Potions.”

“Merlin, you memorize that?”

“No…” James grumbles. “A little. We’ve got Divination—“ He yawns, “on Tuesday.
Excited.”

“Peter definitely is.”

James makes a sort of affirmative noise. “Yeah, he likes those things. Plants and animals and
the…the fortune magic. Whatever divination is. Surprised he’s not vegetarian…”

His voice has gone slow and raspy, clearly James is trying to rest. But Sirius doesn’t want to
be left alone just yet.

“Well, gotta take care of them or else it won’t taste good.”

“…That’s messed up.”

“That’s truth,” he says. “I think a pig that lived happily would taste better than a sad one.”

He can practically hear James’ frown, it’s funny. “This is messed up. Don’t say that. I could
be vegetarian. My dad is.”

“Really?”

“Eh. Kind of.”

“What does that even mean?”

James shuffles under the covers for a shrug. “Doesn’t eat some animals. I kinda get it. With
all this pig talk, it’s making me sad.”

Sirius scoffs. “You’re empathizing with pork?”

“Yeah…” he whines. “It’s sad…poor piggy.”

“James, go to sleep.”

“Okay…”

Sirius lays still and waits a while for some kind of exhaustion to come over him. But the
thought of sleeping again after that makes his stomach feel a bit queasy. James is fast asleep
beside him and is surprisingly quiet for someone so loud.

There’s a thump on the window. Just like before, but he’s awake, or at least he thinks so.
Unless it was real the whole time.
Sirius very carefully climbs out of the four-poster and heads over. There sits a large brown
owl atop a letter just on the ledge outside. That’s Andromeda’s.

How long has he been there?

He undoes the latches and quietly slides it up. The owl nudges the letter towards him—smart
bird—and he takes it.

“Thank you,” Sirius whispers, reaching out to lightly pet the top of his head before sending
him off. He won’t make the owl wait any longer, he must’ve been sitting there a long while.

He decides to open it in the bathroom, more private, less noisy. It’s been a while since
they’ve spoken, it must be important.

Dear Sirius,

I waited to send this until I knew you were back at school and safe. I heard about what
happened.

Oh, he sighs and prepares himself. He should’ve known.

About the wedding, I wish I was there, not because of my sister, but you. I know how your
mother gets. Her and my parents were always difficult on us about our image to an extent I
could not handle. That is why I made my choice to leave, it wasn’t the future I wanted.

They will never be happy nor satisfied. Do not think down on yourself or believe you’re
dishonorable for making a mistake as a kid. It’s impossible to be perfect in their eyes. Even
Bella, the model child, was heavily scolded when we were much younger. You never saw these
things because it was all comparisons left and right when our names were brought up around
you, but it was there. I understand how you feel.

Take my advice and make the choices that you feel best suit what you want. Not them. You.

I hope one day I will see you face to face again, I can tell you’ve grown so much since the
last time we saw one another.

Take care,

Andromeda Tonks

Sirius’ lips twitch into a smile as he finishes the letter, wondering how she could always be so
kind compared to the rest of his family.
 Perhaps it’s because she’s had just over three years of freedom after being disowned at
seventeen. He remembers how he found out, it was a few months after he’d gotten his
Hogwarts letter. Walburga and Orion were having a tense conversation in their bedroom
while he and Regulus—as nosy as they are—stood outside the door to listen.

Andromeda had a fiancé, a muggleborn Hufflepuff, two of the worst things you could be. At
the time of hearing this, Sirius was fairly disgusted too. How could she even think about
doing such a thing when she was meant to have a suitor for marriage by the end of the year?

When given the choice to ditch the love of her life for a place in the family, she’d refused.

She was burned off the family tapestry and never spoken of again, and Sirius knows she must
have gotten married soon after she graduated just to nail the coffin shut.

That kind of boldness isn’t something he has, even for a Gryffindor. The idea of ditching
everything he’s ever had is terrifying, and doing it all for one person is one hell of a
commitment.

Tomorrow he’ll draft up a response letter for her, maybe let Remus know about it.

Actually, speaking of Remus, he’s been focused on himself today and didn’t have the time to
think about why Remus looked so disturbed. Hopefully it isn’t what comes to mind, there’s
not much he could do to help if that’s the case. Can he ask about that sort of thing?

No, no, he can’t start on a new worrisome train of thought tonight. It’s late enough. He will
go to sleep and he will think about it tomorrow.

Sirius folds the letter up and slides it into his desk right beside his drafted letter from last
term. He doesn’t really know what to do with it, it’s just a bunch of jumbled emotions from
when Remus and Regulus didn’t want to talk to him. At least in Remus’ case he knows why
now, but it doesn’t make those feelings he had nonexistent. Perhaps one day he’ll burn it.

He carefully climbs back into James’ bed to not wake him and turns on his side. It must be
past three at this point. If he gets shut-eye perhaps he can sleep in lest he’s woken up by
James’ consistent early bird-ness. He’s like an alarm clock, or maybe he just rises when the
sun does.

Who knows, he just really doesn’t want to have a nightmare like that again. What hurts the
most is that it’s hardly a nightmare, those involve fake scenarios made by the brain to scare
him.

What is it considered when it’s all real?

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: mentions of death, minor suicidal ideation, abuse, nightmares, and a panic attack

Writing that out made me go wow. Didn’t realize it was so bad.

Well, it’s a process! Called the chapter rough start for a beginning, at least Lily’s having
a good time for now. Hope you enjoyed!
 Third Year: Her
Chapter Summary

One step forward and three steps back.

Chapter Notes

No CW this time I think…

Words: 5.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 3, 1973

“That was just horrifying!” Lily exclaims, voice having that shrill pitch of frustration it often
gets. “Poor Flitwick, he has to clean all of that up now.”

Experiencing Charms with the Slytherins for the first time comes to show that Ravenclaws
really hold it all together. They know their limits, and they make sure they know what they’re
doing before they do it. Slytherins do not. With their ambition and incredible sense of pride in
themselves, they believe they can just do anything first try. All of them.

Perhaps the Gryffindors and Slytherins have more in common than she thought they did.
James Potter always does that same thing, assuming he can do anything without it blowing up
in his face. Weirdly enough, he’s sometimes right—with emphasis on sometimes.

She just watched Snape’s annoying friends try a Bird Conjuring charm. He looked
particularly irritated by them while all their birds would come out looking horribly wrong
then drop dead on the floor.

Dorcas thinks that it was actually disturbing.

“They should stick to Potions or something,” Mary mutters. Alice aggressively nods in
agreement.

Dorcas approaches the door to their second class. “If we have to deal with that all year, I
might go mad. Charms used to be fun even with the Ravenclaws showing off.”
She pulls the handle towards her and finds a class setup almost identical to Charms that it
throws her off for a moment. Last year with Donahue, the desks had been lined up in equal
rows and columns with a small space in the middle to walk through. Now, the entire center of
the floor is open and the desks are further off to the side. It makes the room look much larger
than it used to.

“Woah…” Mary drags, eyes darting around.

“Hey! You four, come sit with us!”

Dorcas knows that voice, that’s Marlene. She spots her at the end of the room with Cynthia
Night, but she looks…different. At the end of last term, Marlene had long blonde hair,
typically pulled up in a messy ponytail. Now, it’s cropped up to her shoulders with hints of
pink in sections. The four of them shuffle over and get beside Marlene and Cynthia.

“Flitwick always had us separated by house, but I asked Professor Ainsworth and he said to
sit wherever,” Marlene smiles.

Lily hums happily. “I like him already. He seems so nice, don’t you think?”

Dorcas scoffs a laugh. “Well, compared to blondie last year, I’d consider a Dementor as a
teacher nicer than her. Also, Marlene, cool hair!”

“Thank you!” She grins, playing with the short ends of it. “I mostly did it for Quidditch, the
long hair was dragging me back like crazy. More hair, more friction, easy solution. Would be
even better with none of it, but I am not about to shave my head.”

“She’s really serious about this Quidditch stuff,” Cynthia adds. “Started doing math to see if
it really did make her faster.”

“And it did! Two meters per second faster. That’s pretty good, innit?”

“…That’s pretty impressive actually,” she says.

The rest of the students file in, the Gryffindor boys of their year sitting on the opposite side of
the room. Soon enough, Professor Ainsworth appears through the door behind the raised desk
with a very stern look on his face. The excitement in Dorcas’ body immediately leaves her.

He steps up behind his desk and shrugs a long suit jacket off onto his chair and sighs.
“Alright, everyone open your textbooks and turn to chapter one, I’ll need someone to read it.”

Dorcas internally groans, ready for another year of textbook learning.

“So much for nice,” Alice whispers. “I’m already yawning.”

Marlene sticks a hand up until Ainsworth gestures for her to read. “Defense Against the Dark
Arts, defined by its own name. This is a class to teach the youth how to defend themselves
from curses, hexes, jinxes, dark creatures and dark magic. In your intermediate years, it is
crucial to follow from this text and—“
“I’ll stop you there,” Ainsworth interrupts, painting a conflicted expression onto Marlene.

“Professor, you did say to read it.”

He nods slowly. “I’m aware.” Then, weirdly enough, he breaks out into a grin. “Now, put it
away, because I’ve had enough of it already, as I’m sure you all agree!”

His entire demeanor changes in a second, and he charms a piece of chalk to start writing on
the board beside him. Dorcas glances around at just about everyone else who looks as
confused as she does.

“I’ve heard all about the kinds of lessons you’ve been taught the past two years,” Ainsworth
says. “Has anyone here actually performed these spells before? The ones you learned in all
the textbooks?”

There’s a silence from the class, because no, they haven’t. All they know is…well,
everything else about them. Dorcas knows the history and origins of the Tickling Charm and
a lot about Werewolves and that’s about it.

Professor Ainsworth must have expected no answer.

“What I’m here to do is teach you how to actually defend yourselves, something becoming
very important in our time. There are dark creatures, yes, of course. But there are dark people
too, and they’re not so easy to beat. We’ll cover both, it’s…mostly in the curriculum, after all.

“I’ll have to keep this comment from a certain group of students, but the Dark Lord is
becoming a force to be reckoned with. As younger students, it’s imperative you learn
everything you can about defense.”

Oh, Dorcas has heard about this. Her mum makes comments when looking at the Prophet of
how someone would have to be a fool to join that weird cult. They’re just a load of blood
supremacists who think they’re all that, but she knows better. The idea of thinking you’re
better than someone else for something as stupid as blood is complete madness. No sane
person could believe that.

Beside her, Lily slowly raises a hand. “Sir, I hope this question isn’t a bad one to ask, but…
well, Mary and I, we were both wondering what you meant by that.”

Ainsworth furrows his brows. “By what?”

“Erm…Dark Lord?” She says hesitantly.

Dorcas and the rest of the class turn to her. Lily goes red in the face and Mary ducks her head
low.

“Do you not read The Daily Prophet?” Some Ravenclaw boy asks a bit rudely. Besides him,
James shoots a glare.

“Not…regularly? I dunno, I just haven’t put much thought into the news. ”
Mary nods firmly in agreement. “And even if I did, why would I spend what money I have on
newspaper?”

“It’s a big deal!” Another girl in a blue tie exclaims. “You Gryffindors…”

“Hey!”

“Alright everyone, relax,” Ainsworth mediates, holding his hands out to calm everyone
down. “Miss Evans, MacDonald, the Dark Lord is a powerful wizard in the process of
recruiting members for an organization. This… organization has a shared interest of blood
supremacy.”

The two deflate, slumping back in their seats. “Oh,” Lily mumbles. “Of course.”

The charmed chalk behind him skillfully draws out a picture, a snake curling around itself in
a figure eight with a skull resting on top. Ainsworth points his wand at it and says, “This is
the symbol of their organization, the Death Eaters. They made headlines this summer for
their violent acts against muggles and muggleborn wizards and witches alike. Very heavy
topics, and this is not the lesson of the day, so we’ll move on.”

He moves on with swiftness, getting to the open center of the room with a playful look on his
face. Ainsworth commands everyone to get up and stand relative to where he is.

“As a warm up, I suppose…well, you all know the basic disarming charm, yes?” He asks
rhetorically. “I want you all to get a partner and stand a few meters apart. Then, when I tell
you, disarm your partner in turns. Alright?”

Across the room, it looks like James and Sirius have gone together, same for Remus and
Peter Pettigrew. Most of the Ravenclaws stick together like the boy and girl who decided to
be rude to Lily.

Dorcas hums, looking at her friends for a partner. Alice and Mary have decided on them two
while Marlene and Cynthia have already paired up. Leaving her with Lily, oh this will be fun.

“Okay, Evans, ready to get disarmed?” She grins, taking a few steps back and letting Lily
position herself correctly.

She rolls her eyes with a smile. “It’s not a competition! And I wanna go first.”

“Sure, I think you’re just scared,” she jokes.

“I’m not scared, I’ve just never done this spell before, I wanna see if I can.”

“I’m sure you can, it’s pretty basic according to the name,” Dorcas says, readying herself for
whatever Lily’s about to throw at her.

Before Lily can reply, Ainsworth claps his hands together, now back at the raised desk. “On
the count of three! One…two…” He grins pausing for a moment. “Three!”
“Expelliarmus!” Is shouted around the room which leads to a spray of wands shooting
around one another.

Lily hesitates for a moment but then casts it, knocking Dorcas’ wand from her grasp as well
as pushing her back. Stumbling, she grabs onto the desk beside her to keep her balance. It
seems she isn’t the only one who’s been shoved by the spell, Sirius and Cynthia are getting
back to their feet too.

“Brilliant job, Evans, Potter, and McKinnon!” Professor Ainsworth praises from the
sidelines. “Though, yes, the goal is to just disarm the opponent, pushing them back with it is
an added benefit. It’s also the mark of a more powerful caster. Now, go find your wands and
have the other cast the spell.”

Her wand didn’t go very far, only a few feet to the side. She picks it up and twirls it between
her fingers, getting back in position across Lily.

Ainsworth glances around the room. “Wands at the ready!” He orders, then starts the count
up to three.

Dorcas raises her wand, points it at Lily’s wand tucked in her palm. She’s never done this
before, she has to concentrate. Clenching her jaw, she waits for—

“Three!”

“Expelliarmus!” She yells.

A large red spark of energy bursts from the tip of her wand and shoves Lily halfway across
the room. She lands flat on her back with a loud grunt, wand far gone from her hand.

Dorcas gasps, urgently running towards her. “Lily, I’m so sorry, are you alright?”

She sits up pretty quickly, rubbing the back of her head. “I’m—yeah, I’m…woah. What was
that, Dorcas?”

Her mind floods with a lot of possibilities, bad casting, wrong spell, who knows? She reaches
out and pulls Lily back to her feet.

“I dunno, I’m sorry, I didn’t hurt you did I?” She asks, giving a quick apology hug.

Lily looks behind her like she’s shocked she was just down there. “I don’t think so…I’m just
confused.”

The class is quiet, is the first thing Dorcas realizes. She spins around and finds everyone else
looking at her. Marlene and Cynthia are jaw dropped and sending quick glances to one
another. Even Ainsworth watches her silently with a curious look on his face.

“Miss Meadowes…mind staying after class?”

Her heart sinks. She’s in trouble, but she didn’t mean to do that. It was an accident.
Lily steps forward in her defense. “Sir, she didn’t hurt me, I’m alright.”

“I’m aware,” he says. “I’d just like to speak with her for a minute.”

Potter decides to cut through the silence, because of course he does. “Ooooh, someone’s in
trouble,” he teases, getting a sharp elbow in the arm from Sirius. “Ow! Professor, you should
talk to Sirius too, he just hurt me.”

Lily rolls her eyes. “Must you always be the center of attention?”

“Well, I thought she’d appreciate getting in trouble with someone else.”

“Miss Meadowes is not in trouble,” Ainsworth groans, rubbing a hand down his face. Dorcas
almost laughs, it’s day one and he’s over James. At least he doesn’t seem upset with her for
almost hurting Lily. “Everyone please go back to your seats, fantastic job, all of you! We’ll
go over more defensive spells on Thursday. I’ll let you go early today, but only because it’s
the first day. See you all later this week!”

Lily hesitates leaving her in the center of the room, but she eventually does after Dorcas nods
that it’s okay. It’s not like he’s going to kill her or something, it was just one mistake.

She shuffles around nervously while everyone else leaves. Some side glance at her as they
go, and she pretends not to notice. The door closes behind the last person, leaving just the
two of them alone. Dorcas waits for him to say something, aimlessly shifting on her feet.

He’s still up on that raised desk, it makes her feel quite small.

“Dorcas Meadowes, that was an impressive feat you did just then. Did you know that?”
Ainsworth remarks, looking down at her.

Dorcas furrows her brows. “Am I really not in trouble?”

He barks a laugh, getting down on ground level. “No, not a chance. I’d never punish a
student for their skills, even if you nearly hurt your friend.” He pauses for a moment. “Have
you ever performed that spell before?”

“Erm, no sir.”

Ainsworth whistles all high pitched and impressed at her. “Wow. Really, you’re very talented
for your age.”

Dorcas shakes her head in denial. “I think you’ve got it wrong, sir. I’m quite average,
actually. I’m only okay in Charms, my Potions are decent…I think it was just an accident.”

It is true though, she really isn’t incredible in any one thing. It isn’t something she minds as
long as she isn’t failing. Whatever idea Ainsworth has that she’s talented apparently, that’s a
mistake. He doesn’t know her to make such an assessment.

“An accident?” He questions, almost like he’s amused at her. Ainsworth moves back into the
door behind the desk and pulls out a fabric dummy, dragging it to the center of the floor.
“Uh, sir?”

“I want you to use an arrow conjuring charm, aim right at that dummy there.”

“I don’t know it, though,” she says. This seems silly, she assumed she was going to be
scolded at least a bit, not praised.

He simply tells her the incantation and the wand movement, then urges her to perform it.
Dorcas goes hot in the face, this is just going to be embarrassing.

She points her wand at the thing, all stuffing and a thin cloth wrapped around it and tied
together. In one swift motion, she casts the charm and the dummy gets pierced in 4 places.
The arrows shot right into it, all of them hitting different spots on its body.

With wide eyes, she stands back up straight while Ainsworth crosses his arms. There’s that
distinct look on his face, identical to when she casted the disarming charm.

“Was that an accident?” He asks.

“But, I don’t get it,” Dorcas mumbles, staring at her work. “Charms aren’t really my thing.”

“Well, in Charms all you learn right now are neat tricks. These are defensive spells, more for
fighting than anything else,” Ainsworth paces around as he explains. “I think you may have
an affinity for a different kind of spell-casting, but you didn’t know. Your other professors
were rubbish.”

She frowns slightly. “You’re saying I’m only good at spells for attack?”

“Not just good, Dorcas,” he corrects. “I believe you may be a prodigy at them. That’s not
something to be disappointed about, you should be ecstatic. C’mon, pop a smile, you’ve got
something special!”

Dorcas doesn’t fight the smile that tries to tug onto her face. Okay, maybe it’s not the worst
thing to be proficient in something. She doesn’t really get that kind of praise anywhere.

“With your potential, I mean…there’s loads you could do. I just…” Ainsworth purses his
lips, getting back on the platform once more and flipping through some booklets for a
moment. After scanning some pages, he looks back up to her. “How would you feel about
private lessons? These classes will never let you get where you could be, it’s an intermediate
class. What you need to really get that power going is one-on-ones. What do you say?”

There is a lot on her mind right now, like a small part of her telling her to say no. It could be
dangerous learning offensive spells rather than just defense like this class requires. But then
again…what if she needs it? If something were to ever happen, Dorcas wants to be prepared,
especially now knowing she’s apparently more powerful than she thought. Private lessons
would really put her ahead.

“I’ll do it,” she says definitively.

Ainsworth smirks, leaning down to write in the booklet. “Perfect. Saturday?”

“I believe so, yeah. Busy schedule this year.”

“Truth, I remember third year, you get to overload your schedule for that wide variety and
whatnot. Expanding horizons,” he mocks, scribbling down some notes. “Wasn’t so bad, I was
a Ravenclaw, lived for classes. Also, just a quick question, do you know your wand type?”

Dorcas looks down at it, confused as to what that has to do with anything. “Uh…I think it
was yew wood with a dragon heartstring.”

He lifts his head up with wide eyes. “Really now?”

“…Yes?”

“Oh, that’s perfect. Makes sense too, a very powerful wand for a powerful owner. Very
fitting…” He mutters, writing a few more notes. “Alright, Dorcas, we will start Saturday,”
Ainsworth confirms with a smile. “You can head off to your next class now, sorry for keeping
you so long.”

“No problem at all! Thank you for this opportunity, it’s really cool, sir.”

“‘It’s really cool, sir’,” he laughs. “No need for ‘sir’, Dorcas. Professor Ainsworth, Lazarus,
Laz, whatever else, works just fine.”

She nods quickly, picking up her bags. “Okay! See you next class Professor,” Dorcas says,
waving herself out the door.

There’s a weird feeling in her chest, a bit warm, a bit prideful. She’s got something special
and she had no idea this whole time, what else can she do?

Dorcas could shout to the whole world that she’s not average like she thought. With a little
skip in her step and a smile stuck on her face, she heads off to Potions for the final class of
the day.

———

SEPTEMBER 5, 1973

“I really hate this class,” Sirius mutters, a thin glass cap guarding his face from the plant in
front of him.

Peter sticks out his bottom lip at him in disapproval. “Why tell me when you know I like it?”

Sirius shrugs. They’re watching this pink flowery plant called a Puffapod together. “Well, I’m
your partner because you’re good at this. Last year, James kept mucking it up!”
“Hm, yeah, that makes me feel good,” Peter says with an eye roll.

“Don’t get all sassy with me, do you wanna be with James handling something delicate like
this dumb plant?”

The two of them glance at Remus—who’s staring off distantly, and James—who is trying to
do all the work on his own very poorly. He’s got gloves a size too big for him, so any attempt
at touching the leaves just goes to waste.

He turns his attention away from the disaster not so far away. “Nope, definitely not,” Peter
says.

“That’s what I thought.” Sirius raises his brows and squints to get closer to the Puffapod.
“Didn’t she say this thing makes you dizzy? I feel fine.”

“Yeah, that’s cause of the mask. There’s spores in the air, but they don’t really affect you
unless they put it all right in your face.”

Sirius’ lip curls, backing away. “Godric, this is gross. Nothing like sticking my hands in a
bucket of dirt at ten in the morning. How do you do this?”

“It’s really just taking care of plants and then observing them, Sirius, no big deal,” he
mutters, scooting over to get closer now that Sirius has moved. “Don’t you think it’s pretty?
It’s all pink and purple.”

“Yeah, if I pretend they’re like tulips or something. When I know it could spew gunk in my
face, that isn’t pretty.”

Peter holds back a groan. “It’s not gunk, it’s spores.”

“Okay…?” Sirius lilts, giving an incredulous look. “Like I care about the difference between
gunk and spores. When am I gonna need this when I’m older? Genuinely?”

“Some plants have good remedies, it’s good to know that.”

“So why don’t we just learn those instead of gunk shooting tulips?”

His patience is running very thin, but Peter continues on. “To know to avoid them, most
likely.”

Sirius laughs. “Oh, yeah, I’ll be avoiding this one. And those freaky little screaming plants
from last year. I hated those.”

“Mandrakes.”

“Yeah. I mean if I got my hair pulled to wake me up, I wouldn’t be very chuffed, but there is
no need to throw a tantrum,” Sirius replies. He crosses his arms and steps further away from
the plant. “And no need to throw up spores at me.”
Peter adjusts his glass guard with an annoyed grumble. “Are you going to complain the
whole year?”

“Probably. Unless there’s a really cool plant that shoots out sweets,” Sirius grins, nodding at
his own stupid idea. “Yeah, I like that.”

It’s very rude to think this, but Peter kind of preferred when Sirius was mysteriously quiet. At
least then he wasn’t digging at his interest for an entire class. It seems Remus has taken that
silence on now.

To change the conversation, because he’s honestly sick of this, Peter asks, “What’s up with
Remus this week?”

Sirius’ head snaps over. “Hm? Nothing. Having a quiet spell, that’s all.”

“Uh, okay. Well, that’s a bit strange. Have you asked him or are you just assuming? Cause
last time he went quiet, you two weren’t friends anymore because of the uh…y’know.” Peter
tries to handle it with tact, he’s not about to say his friend is a Werewolf. He supposes he
believes Remus at this point, there’s not much refuting the idea. James and Sirius are
completely on board with it too. So…whatever.

But Sirius just shrugs, getting his hands busy with the plant he hates. “Well, that’s not the
case this time. We’re very much friends still. Like I said, sometimes he just doesn’t like to
talk.”

Peter raises a brow, but Sirius can’t see it. He’s being lied to again, alright, good to know. He
should start lying to them all the time too, see how they feel about it. They’re starting actual
Divination next class—yesterday being the introductory—Peter could just make something
up and tell them they’re all going to die to freak them out.

Or one of them could not wait to tell him the truth about things last. He bets James knows
Remus’ second secret already.

———

White walls and vinyl tiles, a heart monitor beeping away, Remus is tucked into her side.
There’s a blinding white light coming through the window, it’s nearing unnatural. It covers
the room in this glow that pierces his vision, so he squints and hides his face in her neck.

They’ve been laying like this here for hours, just letting time pass like they have an endless
amount of it. Remus’ ears feel fuzzy. Maybe there are wheels rolling on the tiles, or lights
buzzing above, but he can’t hear it. There’s no wheezing either. Just them and a heart
monitor.

It might be the thirty-fifth time he’s been here, thirty five days in his mother’s arms.
Her face is never seen in the bleeding light, but he can feel her soft hair against his cheek, and
sometimes when he squints open his eyes, there are hints of blonde amongst the glow. She’s
warm while holding him, and she does it firmly. And there’s the heart monitor. It pervades his
brain with its sharp tones.

“Mum…” he mumbles. “Can’t you turn that down?”

“I can’t do that, baby,” she says.

Remus grumbles. “Why not? It’s too loud…sensitive ears.”

She chuckles, carding an unshaking hand through his hair. “You’re not hearing it right. Focus
a bit harder, maybe it’ll go away.”

He opens his eyes about halfway, looking around for the machine. There isn’t one. But
there’s still a beeping in his head. Over and over and over. Can’t he just lay here and not have
to think about it?

Just go away.

“I think it would help if you realized it was all one sound.”

Remus turns back into her and shuts his eyes tight. “No, it isn’t. It’s beeping. They go with
your heartbeat, that’s how it works.”

“Listen closer.”

“I don’t wanna.”

She seems frustrated with him. “Remus…”

A whine pulls itself from his throat and a drawn out high pitched ring begins to drown out the
beeping. “No, please, I don’t wanna…”

“Can’t you hear it?”

“The noise is gone. It’s…it’s different.”

She pulls him back a bit and he tries to blink his eyes open. There are tears in them, he
doesn’t know when that happened. He can’t even see her face, it’s entirely covered by the
light in the window. What’s the point of this if he can’t look at her?

The ringing continues, a constant, drawn out sound. It doesn’t end.

“You recognize it, don’t you? You heard it around the building once. Just that one unlucky
time.”
“Can’t we just stay here?”

She could have smiled then, he doesn’t know. It’s too bright. “You were on the third floor on
the way to 308. You thought it was mine, and you panicked.”

“I want it to beep again.”

“It won’t.”

Remus scrunches up his face in annoyance. “Why not? Why don’t you ever pretend with
me?”

“What’s the point?”

“The point?!” He cries. “I want more time, I want—I want you, this isn’t fair!”

Hope caresses his face gently. He can almost make out her olive eyes, or the shape of her
nose. “You’re right,” she says.

“Remus.”

“Remus?”

“Remus?”

He groans and shifts, hugging himself tighter. The light behind his eyes disappears and he
almost reaches out to grab it.

There’s a softer mattress below him unlike the hospital’s thin one. It’s dark, and a sliver of
moonlight cuts through his half-opened curtains.

He wants to go back, who took him out of it?

Remus opens his eyes blearily, knowing exactly who did it before everything comes into
focus. There’s a frustration that he wants to spew at him, but Sirius looks tentative to even be
here.

“Sirius, I’m not gonna be any help right now,” he says quietly.

“Well, it’s not for me, I…wanted to know if you were okay.”

Remus searches his face in the dark, hard to see anything in here. It’s almost ironic. “Uh…”
he breathes, rolling onto his back and staring at the top of his four-poster. Does he want to
talk to Sirius? Not really, actually. What he wants most right now is to be held by his mother,
and he can only get that in his sleep.

But it’s Sirius, and he’s having a harder time denying him things. With a sigh, Remus sits up
and scoots back. “Come in, if you want.”
He does so, casting the charm and sitting legs crossed on his bed. It’s dark in here, a stark
contrast from where he just was. He wants to go back. They sit in silence for a minute
waiting for someone to speak first. It’s not going to be Remus.

“You’ve gone quiet again,” is what Sirius decides to say. “I was wondering if everything
was…alright.”

Remus keeps his eyes glued to the blanket over his lap and shrugs. It’s a slow conversation.
Like they’re each thinking how to phrase every word they speak.

“Do you want an honest answer?”

Sirius nods. “I mean, you don't have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I could go, if
you wanted.”

He does want that, but he doesn’t say it. Remus searches his expression in the dark and
eventually comes to the obvious conclusion.

“…You know. Don’t you?” He states, it’s hardly a question.

“I might,” Sirius mumbles. “I hope I’m wrong, but—“

“No, you’re right.”

Sirius ducks his head low between his shoulders and lets out a quiet breath. “I’m sorry,” he
says. “Is there anything—“

“No.”

“Okay. That’s fine. It’s just…it’s ridiculous.”

Remus frowns. “What?”

“Everything, I mean, it’s not fair. You don’t deserve this, you’ve got enough to deal with.”

“It’s not all about me, she didn’t deserve it. All that suffering…” he utters, practically to
himself. His chest feels heavy. “I’m almost thankful I got lied to the entire time.”

Sirius blinks for a beat. “Lied to?”

Well, it’s all coming out now. What doesn’t Sirius know?

“From day one until day thirty, she was in hospice. No one told me,” he recalls distantly. “I
thought she had a chance, and that stuck with me. It gave me hope. It was childish of me, I
should’ve known.” Remus sits with that for a moment. “I don’t think I’m going to let myself
act like that again. All stupid and naive.”

“It’s not stupid and naive to think your mother will survive.”
“She had third stage lung cancer, Sirius, she wasn’t living through that,” he stresses, his voice
a bit watery. “No, it’s not fair, but nothing ever is, so there’s nothing I can do.”

Sirius goes quiet, head low. “…I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine…I just wish things were different. Maybe that’s a sentiment we share.”

“Yeah, but they’re completely different situations—“

“Do you dream about her?” Remus interrupts.

Sirius goes tense then, his entire body stiffening. “Not really.”

“Don’t lie to me,” he demands. “Not when I’ve just told you all of this.”

Sirius swipes a hand down his face and sighs quietly. “Yeah, I do. But it’s not the same.”

“Of course not. You have nightmares about your mum being alive. I have nightmares about
mine being dead. Sort of interesting, I suppose.”

He’s made Sirius uncomfortable. Watching him practically shrink into himself, Remus can
tell he lost a fair amount of weight over the summer even while shrouded in black. He
doesn’t know what his mum did to him, but the more he thinks about it, the more guilty he
feels for his comment.

“I’m sorry,” he says truthfully. “Didn’t mean to be rude.”

Remus is a bit lost right now, he just needs someone to ground him, maybe hold him while he
sleeps. He’d like his mum for that, but Sirius is stopping him from seeing her. He wants to go
back.

Sirius looks hesitant. He nods slowly. “Do you want me to leave?”

“…Would you be upset if I said yes?”

“No.”

He slowly lays himself down on his side. “Then yes.”

The bed shifts as Sirius starts to get up, but before he goes back he says quietly, “Goodnight,
Remus.”

“Night, Sirius.”

He’s left alone now. It doesn’t take long for a light to begin to glow behind his eyelids and for
soft arms to wrap around him. His ears are fuzzy, and there’s a heart monitor.

———
Chapter End Notes

Introducing Dorcas’ POV and storyline, I’m so excited for this!! It’s a slow burn like
everything else in this fic, but it’ll be worth it I swear.

That section with Remus and Hope is one of my favorites of this whole thing, maybe it’s
the vibe (depressing). Everyone is in such a good state of mind, clearly.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! :)

 Third Year: Rule Breakers
Chapter Summary

A lesson, a fight, a…date?

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 8, 1973

“Have you used this spell before?”

“Er, no, I don’t usually go around setting things on fire.”

“Alright, we’ll start small. Don’t want a forest fire, the groundskeeper would hate me.”

Dorcas chuckles, watching Ainsworth gather up sticks and toss them together. It’s their first
lesson and she had expected to stay in the classroom and learn the basics. As soon as she
entered the room, he asked very enthusiastically if she was ready to blow shit up, then lead
her out to the forest.

She has Care for Magical Creatures here, so she really hopes she doesn’t anger any of them
by… ’blowing shit up’.

Ainsworth bends over to rearrange the wood then comes back up to admire his pile. “I think
that should do it. Now—and I need you to be very careful—cast Incendio on them. Focus on
a small fire first, control is key.”

Dorcas nods quickly, pointing her wand down at the sticks. She can’t do what she did in class
with that burst of energy, but can’t make it weak by mistake. Control is easier said than done.

Deep breath in and out, she focuses in.

“Incendio,” she casts.

A flickering light bursts from her wand and latches onto a couple of the sticks, just a bit
larger than a candle flame.

“Fantastic job! Look at that perfect fire, you are just brilliant, Dorcas,” he praises, giving her
a quick pat on the back then extinguishing the fire with a flourish. “Now, would it be too
much to ask you to try and light the whole pile?” She shakes her head, if there’s anything she
seems to know how to do, it’s go overboard. Ainsworth smiles at that. “Step back a touch, I’ll
be a bit closer in case something goes wrong.”

She does as he says, taking a few paces away and preparing herself. Imagine a bonfire, a
great dancing flame twirling in the reflection of her irises. Or maybe don’t think about it so
much and just do it like she did with Lily.

“Are you nervous?” He questions like he already knows the answer.

Dorcas stands down, dropping her arm. “I don’t know. I want to do it, I’m sure I can, I just
dunno what mindset I need. It’s a big pile…”

“Don’t think of it like that,” Ainsworth says. “Get your mind off of the scale, and more on the
power. No great wizard focuses on how large their spells will be, they know what they can
do, and they do it.”

She nods and readies up again, clearing her mind entirely.

“Incendio!”

It’s like a fireball bursts from her wand barreling right into the pile of wood. It looks
unnatural the way it doesn’t blow up and instead shoots up into a near three meter tall flame.

Dorcas stumbles back, staring up at it in shock and possibly fear.

Ainsworth moves quickly to douse the flame with a powerful water charm which saturates
the grass at their feet and makes it all squishy and muddy, but at least no trees around caught
onto the fire.

They sort of just stand there gaping at one another for a minute, mouths slowly melting into
grins.

Dorcas laughs, “That was awesome!”

He breaks out into a wide smile with her. “Believe me that you’ve got something now?”

“Might just.”

They continue on the lesson in good spirits for the next two hours, ranging through a wide
variety of spells. Ainsworth seems very focused on fire-based today, which Dorcas truly
doesn’t mind.

Eventually, she does get to blow something up a bit further away. She casts a really good
Bombarda in, crumbling a boulder into pebbles and smoke.
It’s confusing how she’s able to perform these so easily and with such power when all of the
harmless charms took some time to come to her. Ainsworth had implied her natural specialty
is more destructive spells, and it’s hard to explain how that makes her feel. It really is cool
knowing she has the potential to be someone strong, but there’s a lingering feeling within her
wondering why she would ever need to use these. Dorcas doesn’t plan on blowing up
boulders daily, but she does need to lock and unlock doors.

In the end, this will be useless; but for now, she’ll learn what she can and try to use the
concepts for tamer charms.

“You did brilliantly out there today,” Ainsworth compliments on their way back. “I meant it
when I said you have potential, and you’ve continued to impress me. Now, my schedule only
opens up again closer to the end of the month, unfortunately. How does the twenty-second
sound?”

“Perfect!” She beams, nearly skipping along the bridge in excitement. “What kind of spells
do you think I’ll get to do?”

Ainsworth hums in thought. “Well, I’d like to do a review of today, and then we can go to the
other side of the spectrum. How do you feel about water and ice?”

“I feel good about that,” Dorcas says. “Can those be used like fire though?”

“If you mean like a weapon, yes. Definitely! Takes some more fine tuning, but I believe you
can do it.”

“Cool,” she giggles as she enters the castle. “I think I can too.”

“That’s the exact mindset you need. I’ll let you go now, but make sure you keep the details of
this hush, yeah?”

Dorcas furrows her brows. “How come?”

Ainsworth lowers his voice, muttering, “Well, I’m letting you blow things up, it’s a little
outside what the curriculum requires.”

“Ohhh…” She nods quickly, wagging an understanding finger at him. “Secret then?”

“The specifics. No one cares about tutoring by itself, but like I said, this is a little dangerous.
It’s not like I made your parents sign anything.”

“Parent,” she corrects. Dorcas has a tendency to do that, she’s not about to give credit to
some rando when it was all her mum. “Just me and my mum, I mean.”

Ainsworth hums. “Defending her honor?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, she’s done a fantastic job on her own, you’re a good kid, Dorcas,” he declares. “Like I
said, I’ll leave you now, so you can go pop back to your friends.”
“Alright, see ya!” Dorcas waves before climbing the stairs all the way up to Gryffindor
Tower.

After giving the password to the portrait and climbing in, she finds all three of her roommates
as well as Frank Longbottom and Benjy Fenwick on the couches.

Mary sees her first, waving at her casually. “Hey, Dor, how was it?”

“Ah, well,” Dorcas starts, stretching her arms up and out. “Definitely educational.” She drops
into her own armchair, spinning so her legs dangle over the side. “It was a really good idea to
do it.”

“Do what?” Frank asks.

“Dorcas is doing private lessons,” Alice tells him. “With the new professor, the cool one.”

Lily chimes in as well. “Got the offer after throwing me across the room, actually.”

Dorcas scoffs a laugh. “That was a mistake!”

“I know, I’m messing with you.”

Benjy raises a brow at her. “What kind of lessons would you need, it’s only the first week?”

“Oh, you know, just some stuff to help me out,” Dorcas dismisses quickly. “Like more
advanced defense charms, but nothing crazy.”

The two boys ‘ohh’ in understanding. Usually Dorcas would tell them anything—at least to
the girls—but now she can’t do that. She’s sure they would think it’s all awesome too, but
Ainsworth has been kind to her. Betraying his trust so early is only going to make things
worse.

Hopefully the lessons don’t compromise Ainsworth’s position, he’s been a good professor
and tutor in just the first week. She has to wait two weeks until they can meet up again, but
she hasn’t been this excited for something in her entire life.

———

SEPTEMBER 13, 1973

Remus wakes up in a hospital bed, he seems to be here a lot. There’s shuffling at his side and
the lights are bright, but not in an unnatural way. More like sunlight.
“Oh, you’re awake, good!” A woman says sweetly, leading him by the back into a seated
position. “Alright, I’ve got potions on the table here, not a bad moon this time. Isn’t that
nice?”

He rubs his eyes with a tired groan, feeling achey in some spots. Remus blinks his eyes open
expecting blonde hair and olive eyes, but instead being met with gray and blue. He sighs
internally at his mistake, and what a stupid one to make.

“Mm, it’s alright,” he mumbles, picking up a bottle and sipping at it. “Any new marks?”

“Back of the right arm, but that’s all.”

He checks it by twisting in a fairly uncomfortable position. Just a couple thin lines that will
fade in a month or so, and his hips twinge. Not bad at all.

“Why’s there nothing else?” He asks.

Pomfrey smooths out the end of his white blanket and shrugs. “I don’t know, really.
Something keeping your mind at peace?”

Remus scoffs. “Definitely not. My head’s like some neglected bedroom, I’ve gotta hop
around all this stuff and pretend it isn’t there. Hardly peaceful, ma’am.”

“Right,” she says concerningly. “Well, I’ll let you rest out for the day. Are any of your friends
coming this time?”

“I dunno, classes go late on Thursday, I might end up better by dinner time. Not much to
recover from.”

Pomfrey smiles at him. “That’s always a good thing, though. Now, drink up, rest, do
whatever you need for the day.”

Words sit on the edge of his tongue as she walks back to her office in the Wing. He hesitates
for too long, and she’s gone. Remus sighs, leaning back into the bed and downing the rest of
his first potion.

It would’ve been nice to thank her, but he’s a bit disoriented from mistaking her as Hope and
also from the whole Werewolf thing. Chances are he’ll be good to go by Potions, his last
class of the day, but he doesn’t particularly want to go. Maybe it’s something about lying in
hospital beds.

Remus wishes it wasn’t on his mind all the time and that he could just go back to the way he
was, but it seems impossible. This is going to stay with him forever, he’s sure of it.

James and Peter must have figured it out by now. If not, maybe this is something he’s
doomed to repeat. Sirius finds out on his own because he can see right through him, James
and Peter have to be told upfront. Not that it’s any of their business that his mother got ripped
away from him, but he hates lying to them now. Is it considered lying if he’s just quiet about
it?
Later, before he’s gotten the chance to even try falling asleep, Sirius comes back like he did
the other night.

It takes him by surprise. He usually asks permission, but this time he steps right in and
charms the curtains.

The first thing Sirius says is, “I don’t just dream about her being bad, y’know.”

Remus blinks, sitting up and furrowing his brows. “Sorry…?” He mumbles.

“You said I have nightmares about my mother being alive,” Sirius continues. “You made it
sound like I want her dead, I don’t.”

“Well, don’t put words in my mouth. I said I was sorry about that.”

He really wasn’t ready for a conversation like this tonight, he’s exhausted. It’s been over a
week since that night, and it isn’t like Remus is in a clear state of mind to say the right thing
all the time. His mum is actually dead, so this argument he’s trying to start is pointless.

Sirius frowns. “I know, but I still didn’t like it.”

He shrugs in confusion. “Okay? Do you want me to say sorry again?”

“I…I don’t know. I dream about her being good to me too, Remus, it’s not like I close my
eyes and hope I don’t have a mother anymore. You’ve got me wrong,” Sirius scowls, looking
at him very pointedly.

“And did I say that? No, I didn’t,” Remus retorts. “Why are you trying to fight with me? My
hip hurts from the stupid moon and I don’t even have a mum, I don’t want to talk about a
dumb thing I said when I was tired over a week ago! Talk to James, Sirius, I’m not doing
this.”

That seems to have gotten to him. Sirius shrinks into himself and closes his eyes with a sigh.
“I don’t wanna fight.”

“Then why are you acting like this out of nowhere?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius says defeatedly. He opens his eyes, but they’re searching around like
he’ll find an answer hidden on Remus’ bed. “Can’t sleep.”

“How come…” Remus asks a bit carelessly. Maybe he would have been more considerate if
Sirius hadn’t opened in such a ridiculous way. Acting like he’s mad at him for something so
stupid while he just can’t get some shut-eye.

Sirius waits a beat. “I don’t want to see her.”

“But you just said—“

“I know what I said.”

“…Sirius, you’re really confusing me.”

He huffs a frustrated breath. “I’m confusing myself too. I think I’m…I don’t know. It’s this
stupid family, I don’t know what to feel or—or what to think. Just…forget it.”

With that, Sirius abruptly leaves and closes the drapes shut behind him so Remus is alone in
the dark. For a few minutes he sits there watching where Sirius just was, slightly agape with
utter perplexion. There aren’t many thoughts he’s having other than just…what?

Okay, sure. Whatever that meant. Sometimes Remus wants to pick Sirius’ brain and
understand what makes him act without thinking or explaining it first.

In a way, he wants to get up and cross the room to ask, but he finds himself rooted in this
spot. Sirius doesn’t even seem to understand himself, Remus has no idea what happened over
the summer, and he’s too focused on himself right now.

Sirius will probably end up speaking to James anyway, he’s better at this. Not to mention his
life doesn’t suck, giving him a clear head. Remus is the last person Sirius should be trying to
get help from.

The next day in Transfiguration, Remus is busy scribbling down notes from McGonagall's
teaching. Peter’s on his right and Sirius is at the table on his left hardly paying attention to the
lesson. It’s like he’s trying to talk to him by staring a hole into his profile.

He sneaks a glance over. Sirius diverts his eyes down to his parchment and mindlessly taps
his quill against it. Remus quickly goes back to his own work, the scratchiness distracting
him until there’s the sound of aggressive paper shaking beside him.

Remus looks back at Sirius, he’s holding out a folded up note. With a sigh, Remus grabs it
and unfolds it. The ink is pretty smeared up, he didn’t even give it a chance to dry, but it says:
Sorry for acting weird last night.

The corners of his lips twitch up, of course he’d apologize in a stupid little note. Remus puts
it down and writes a note of his own.

It’s okay :)

He passes it, not thinking about how Sirius was watching him read and write back.
Transfiguration forgotten, they continue to exchange notes on a single piece of paper.

Oh. That’s good then. I was worried.

About?

Doesn’t matter really…I thought I should make it up to you!

You don’t have to do anything

I want to though. I feel bad

Sirius, I was having a bad night, so were you. I promise it’s fine

Okay, but we’re running out of room on this. I’m stealing James’ cloak and we’re going to do
something illegal.

Seriously?

Sirius then crossed out ‘Seriously’ to say ‘Siriusly’, the prat.

Obviously, when am I not?

You’re annoying. (Joking)

I could tell that was a joke, thank y

They then ran out of room and decided that was enough. Remus has a feeling that whatever
‘illegal’ thing Sirius has planned involves walking through a tunnel for ten minutes and
traipsing around Hogsmeade.

“You know, we’re going to Hogsmeade in a few weeks anyway,” Remus mutters as they go
down the common room stairs.

Sirius laughs bitterly, stolen invisibility cloak in hand. “You think my family signed the slip?”

“Ah…yeah…” He grimaces. “Fair enough. What’s the plan for when we go, then?”

“Uh, following you lot under this thing, obviously.”

“And if you get caught?”

He rolls his eyes. “Oh no, detention! Never done that before…”

Remus chuckles as they approach the portrait hole. Sirius lifts the shimmering cloth up and
over his head, leaving a space for Remus to stand in.

“C’mon, then, we’ve got laws to break!” Sirius beckons.

For some reason, his face goes hot at the idea of getting under the cloak together. It didn’t
bother him before on James’ birthday or when Sirius suggested it a few hours ago. Maybe it’s
because he got caught by Filch that one time.

He awkwardly shuffles beside Sirius, making sure to keep at least a little bit of space between
them. Sirius, however, doesn’t seem to notice anything and just keeps giggling. They step
through the portrait hole together out into the open.

“You’re not hurting right?” Sirius whispers practically in his ear.

“Uh—no. Not right now. It was a pretty good moon, actually.”

He can hear Sirius smile at that. “Good, cause we’ve got a long journey ahead of us.”

“How long are we staying out?!” He hisses.

“A while, now hush, the stupid cat or some prefect might hear us.”

“We’ve barely moved—“

“Shhh!”

Remus bites back a smile and moves down the floors with Sirius close at his side. He won’t
admit it, but this is helping, weirdly enough. Any annoyance he was having with Sirius from
that night disappears while he does something silly like giggle at portraits or trip over the end
of the cloak. He had to scold him to be careful when the latter happened, because Sirius is not
blowing their cover.

The hall of portraits don’t yell at them on their way through, thankfully. They annoyed the
hell out of him that other time.

Faced with the mirror, Sirius pulls off the cloak and Remus gets his first real breath of air in a
long while. He didn’t even realize how suffocating it was in there. Sirius moves quickly,
tying the fabric around his neck like a cape and lifting the mirror up for him. The cloak looks
funny around him, not exactly invisible but still very shimmery.

“You’re such a gentleman,” Remus jokes as he hops in.

Sirius chuckles, climbing in himself. “Shut it, I didn’t want you to carry it.”

“It’s not that heavy, I’ve held it before.”

“Don’t care,” Sirius says. He lights his wand and pats Remus on the back to get them on their
way. “Onwards!”

Remus smiles at the ground and follows after him. “You’re lucky we don’t have classes
tomorrow, I wouldn’t have agreed to this otherwise,” he says.

“Nah, you definitely would have. You act like you don’t enjoy this type of thing, but you
definitely do.”

“It’s alright,” Remus banters. “Least you could do is pay for all these things you steal.”

Sirius makes a face. “Yeah, I’ll do that with all the money I’ve got access to. Don’t even get
access out of my own room,” he mutters.

Remus furrows his brows with a frown, but doesn’t push. “Well, we can just wander ‘round
the town for a while. Get some fresh air…”

“Steal things.”
“Mm, steal things,” he repeats. “For pranks or just us?”

Sirius fiddles with his lit wand a bit, the white light flickering around the smooth walls.
“Er…just us. Don’t think James needs to know we nicked the cloak.”

“Oh, fair enough.”

They continue down the path chatting and occasionally lighting colorful sparks from their
wands just for the fun of it. Sirius almost singes his eyebrows off which makes Remus
practically burst a lung. Giggles lingering, they approach the loose planks above.

“This should be a test of height now, who’s grown more,” Sirius comments, reaching up with
his wand and tapping the wood.

Remus scoffs. “Oh, come on.”

“No, you come on.”

He sighs, reaching up with his wand and clearly not touching anything. “That’s really funny,
Sirius.”

Sirius hums happily. “I know it is. Hey, at least you’re the same height as Peter now.”

“Not much to go by…” He mutters.

“You’ll get there one day!” Sirius teases. He looks up at the ceiling. “So, who’s going first?”

“Boost me, I’ll pull you up.”

They do things like usual, and it puts some strain on his back and arms, but oh well. He holds
Sirius’ wrist firmly and pulls him onto solid ground with a groan.

Sirius rolls out his shoulders and breathes through his teeth. “Merlin, I’m gonna pull
something doing that one day!”

“You’re thirteen,” Remus comments as pushes himself to his feet with an audible crack in his
knees. “…Ignore that.”

“Does that hurt?”

Remus shrugs. “Only sometimes, and even then, it really fluctuates. Usually more dull,
sometimes sharper. But that’s just near the moon.”

Sirius looks a bit unsure what to say to that, so he seems to move on entirely. “Well uh…
exploring?” He says pointing out the door.

None of them have actually gone very far from Zonko’s, typically just moving between here
and Honeydukes before going back to the castle. Exploring could be interesting. Remus hums
to affirm and they walk out together, not before glancing both ways first. It would really ruin
this whole thing if some person were to spot them.
The moon is high in the sky, covered by some clouds, but bright nonetheless. The town’s
lights are all out, so the only light they’re getting is from the glow above. Guess the moon is
good for something .

They break into Honeydukes first, stuffing handfuls of wrapped sweets into their pockets.
Once they leave, they lock the door behind them and head further into the village.

“Everyone must be sleeping or some’n,” Sirius comments with a mouthful of Jelly Slugs. “Or
the shops are just all closed. So empty.”

“I don’t mind, we’d have to spend the whole night dodging people if that were the case,”
Remus says. He’s got his own Fizzing Whizzbees he’s munching on in glee.

Sirius shrugs. “That sounds fun though, like hide and seek.”

“Think I’d rather relax.”

“Oh, well that’s a shame,” he says. “I was gonna ask if you wanted to share a box of
Bertie’s.”

Sirius pulls out a box of jelly beans and Remus wrinkles his nose at it. These almost always
have disgusting flavors, not to mention his own horrific luck. But Sirius is giving him this
look, and he’s so annoying with it. It’s like he’s pouting on purpose.

Remus rolls his eyes. “Alright…just once though.”

“Only once?! What if we both get good flavors?”

“Then good for us!”

Sirius curls a lip at him, tears the package open and dumps two beans into his hand. He holds
it out to Remus. “Pick your poison,” he smiles.

There’s a pink bean and a pale yellow one side by side. He’ll be honest here, he has no idea
what could be a bad pink flavor, but can think of about ten badly flavored yellow things. He
grabs the pink.

“You’re going the safe route,” Sirius puts out, rolling the bean around in his palm. “See about
that then.”

He and Sirius try their jellybeans at the same time, and Remus hums in delight.

“Bubblegum,” Remus grins.

Sirius’ face contorts and he spits his into the grass. “Oh, piss off! Augh, that’s nasty!”

“What was it?”

He continues to gag with a disgusted face, but Remus is entirely amused by it. “Earwax, I
think. Ugh. Euugh .”
Remus giggles at his stupid expression. “That’s what you get for suggesting this.”

“It is not, I don’t deserve earwax in my mouth!”

“Just have something chocolate, it’ll go away.”

Sirius pouts some more. “Maybe, but it like… lingers.”

“Just—“

“Yeah, I’m eating the damn chocolate, alright?” Sirius stuffs a Chocolate Frog in his mouth
mid sentence, so about half of that was hard to understand. Remus nods, watching him be
angry about his own stupid idea. “Oh, that is better.”

“I’m always right, y’know.”

“Unfortunately…”

They walk all the way down to this clearing overlooking the hills. It’s a ways away, but he
can also see his shack from here standing tall and…proudly, he supposes. Remus must be
staring at it because Sirius glances at him, then follows his eyes.

“Is that where…?” He asks hesitantly.

Remus nods. “Yep. All mine.”

Sirius makes a noise of approval in his throat. “Not so bad. You really have to come all the
way out here?”

“Not really—well. Sort of. There’s this whole thing I’ve got to do, it’s just outside the
school,” he explains, looking out into the distance. “There’s a tunnel.”

“Oh. I haven’t seen it.”

“You wouldn’t,” Remus mutters. “You’d have to really look for it. Don’t.”

Sirius frowns. “I wasn’t going to.”

His voice is soft in a way, like that statement should have been obvious. Remus supposes that
it is. It’s just that Sirius is incredibly impulsive, it’s hard to tell where he crosses the line.
They just stole a Deathly Hallow and went out past curfew to steal from the village Sirius
doesn’t have permission to go to. In retrospect, they haven’t done a single thing the way it’s
meant to be done tonight. He finds it hard to care about that, even when they’re talking about
his condition. Sirius is so casual about it that it almost feels normal.

“I think I might try out for Quidditch tomorrow,” Sirius remarks like he’s just thought of it
now.

Remus’ brows move high up on his forehead. “Really?”

 “Yeah. I like flying with James, being on a team with him sounds fun.” He continues to look
out at the view before them, reddening leaves and the rolling hills. “I think I made up my
mind without realizing it on my birthday. James and I were high up and looking out at the
whole grounds of the school and even beyond that. Like, imagine this, but from all the way in
the clouds,” Sirius reminisces. “It was really nice.”

Remus smiles softly, eyes drifting to Sirius and watching him gaze at the view of the house
he dreads like it’s something lovely.

“I think you’ll make it.”

The wind gently blows through Sirius’ shimmering cape onto his own shoulder blades, a bit
like being held. Neither of them say a word about it.

———

Chapter End Notes

Wolfstar are very special to me this chapter I love when they’re all cute and stuff.
Maybe you can see where I’m taking Dorcas, maybe not, but it’s really just the
beginning :)

Hope you enjoyed! :)

 Third Year: Fire and Water
Chapter Summary

Fortune telling and sibling-fueled repression.

Chapter Notes

CWs at the end if u need :)

Words: 4.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 2, 1973

Divination always makes for an interesting class because their teacher, Professor Elms, is a
total klutz. Apparently she’s been here for over a decade, how that’s happened Lily has no
idea.

They’ve done card readings for nearly a month and she’s sick of it. She always gets different
cards with all of these symbols on them and then Elms goes around reading out what every
single one means. Not to mention the subject itself makes no sense. Lily would like to believe
in it considering how dragons and giants are real, but it’s just exhausting.

So when she walks in class today and there’s no sign of cards on the table, she lets out a sigh
of relief.

“Oh, thank God,” Mary comments behind her as they get up to their table and sit.

“Right, one more card reading and I’m burning them,” Dorcas adds.

Dorcas has been getting her private lessons in, the last one just over a week ago. Lily won’t
deny being a bit jealous of her getting such a great opportunity, it’s not like Slughorn is
giving her special treatment for being good at his subject.

Obviously there’s no use in dwelling on it, it’s already happening.

The rest of the students take their seats soon enough. They’re separated by house in this class,
so all the Gryffindors stay on one side with the Ravenclaws on the other. Basically this means
they’re separated from Marlene and Cynthia while the particular group of four boys are right
above them.

Professor Elms is at the front of the room looking frazzled per usual, wide eyed with blonde
hair down to her ankles. She’s sort of an eccentric woman, but that’s why Lily thinks she’s
such a fraud. If you really can see the future there’s no need to put on a show.

“Hello, dear class!” She starts, voice deep and clear. “Today we are going to open our minds
and our hands for palm reading, one of the most ancient forms of divination.”

Weirdly enough, Lily thinks she’s heard of this. It must be one of those things that leaks into
the muggle world like werewolves and vampires.

She goes over the basics briefly. There’s a head line, life line, heart, sun, and fate line…so,
lots of lines. Some stuff about the elements. It’s important to look at both hands, because
apparently they mean different things. Non dominant shows character and dominant shows
how they’re put into practice. What does an ambidextrous person do?

“We will not overlook anything. Take note of texture, fingernails, everything has meaning,”
Elms continues. “You will work in a partnership with the person beside you. For an example,
Mr. Potter, please take Mr. Black’s hand.”

There’s snickering behind her and she holds back an eye roll, she’d likely laugh in their
position too.

“Now what, ma’am?” Potter asks a bit too enthusiastically.

Elms makes her way up the stairs to them. Lily turns to watch, it’s still an example after all.
Sirius is practically sucking in his face and avoiding Potter’s eyes to not burst into laughter.
Remus and Pettigrew are also busy silently giggling into their hands.

“Now, you will examine the proportions. Do you remember what I said about the elements?”

Potter glances at Remus who suddenly scratches his jaw with four fingers. “Uhh…Well,
there’s four of them.”

Professor Elms smiles stiffly. “Could you name them for me?”

“Er…there’s the ground. Earth. Wind—“

“Air.”

Potter furrows his brows. “That’s the same thing.”

“It is not. Continue.”

He sighs. “Water and…fire. I think. And those are like…types of hands and whatever.”

Elms looks pleased for the most part, and Lily wishes she’d chosen anyone else to do this.
He’s so dense. It is really funny watching Sirius go red in the face from trying not to laugh
though.

“What types of hands do you believe Mr. Black has here?” She questions.

Potter splays out Sirius’ hands and frowns deeply on confusion. “I don’t…um…the…hands.
Water,” he spews out. Some of the class giggle at that which he seems to enjoy.

“I disagree with that,” Elms says, pointing at certain points on Sirius’ palm. “You see, he’s
got a very square palm with long fingers. Do you play any instruments?”

Sirius lets out a slow breath to gain some composure. “Well, piano…sort of. I gave it up like
five years ago.”

“I had a feeling,” she replies quickly. “Now, this means you have air hands. Typically on
those who always want to know the ‘why’. Sociable, curious, eccentric, often a bit neurotic—
with no offense to you—and dominated by thoughts rather than feelings, making you easily
frustrated. Would you say this describes you at least vaguely, Mr. Black?”

Sirius stares at her for a moment. “I…I guess so.”

“Fantastic!” Elms moves back down the stairs to the center of the room. “Thank you for the
example, you two. Now, I want each of you to grab your partner’s hand and do this first
exercise.”

Since they’re paired off, that puts Dorcas with Alice and…Mary with her. They glance at one
another and Lily smiles shyly. She scoots her chair forward to start the hand examination, the
idea of it already heating her face up.

“Alright, erm, who’s going first?” Lily asks quietly.

Mary scoots her own stool closer. “I can do yours, if you’d like. This sounds fun, actually!”

Her smile is sweet. Lily nods and offers her hand out. Mary takes it gently and glances
between it and her textbook while all her own face does is go bright pink. She tries really
hard to not think about it, but Mary’s hand is really soft as she splays her fingers out.

Her hand is held up pretty close to Mary’s face as she glances back and forth between the
palm and paper, but never at Lily. All Lily does is watch Mary’s concentrated brow scrunch
and the way she frowns while doing it.

“I think…” Mary mumbles, reading off the book. “You have a fire hand. It says narrow palm,
shorter fingers. Passionate, confident, good leaders, uh…says you want a challenge and like
being active. Also prone to frustration like the air hands apparently are.” She looks up at Lily,
who’s been staring at her the entire time. “Um…well, do you think—is it accurate?”

Lily nods with a small smile, chest tight. “Yeah, sounds about right, actually. My turn!”

She flips the hand in Mary’s so hers is in control and pulls it closer to her. She can already
tell she’s water from her long fingers and narrow palm, but Lily sits there and examines it for
a minute anyway. No need to rush, really. Her and her stupidly soft hands pliant in her grasp.
Maybe it’s obvious she already knows since she hasn’t even pretended to read the textbook
yet. She steals a glance at Mary and finds her fixed down at the table.

“You’re water,” Lily says affirmatively, turning her attention to the book. Absentmindedly
moving her thumb in circles on Mary’s palm, she reads, “Which means…caring, emotional,
intuitive, often very creative, not one for competition, good at people. Yeah, you are. This
description is so lovely, honestly, it talks all about how you would be really good at art.”

Mary chuckles stiffly. “Really, art?”

“Mhm…”

Lily lets her hand go, and Mary audibly exhales.

“God, is the majority of this actually accurate or what?” She laughs, a bit out of breath.

“Right?”

“Dorcas, Alice, what’d you two get?”

The two turn to them. Dorcas says, “Alice got earth, I’m air.”

Lily hums. “This…weirdly makes a lot of sense. Do you two feel like this lesson actually
works?”

Alice nods quickly. “Yes, definitely! When she read out the description for earth, I was like
woah. Also we’ve got all different hands, that’s so cool.”

“True…I wanna ask what Marlene and Cynthia got,” Dorcas mutters before tapping her wand
on the desk to get their attention.

Across the room, Marlene turns her head. Dorcas points at the book then at her. In response,
Marlene mouths ‘air’ then points a thumb at Cynthia, mouthing ‘water’ with a smile.

“Makes sense, it all makes sense!” Mary hisses. “This is crazy, I thought we were just
winging it.”

“Is it weird I wanna ask the boys?” Lily says quietly with a shrug. The others don’t seem so
opposed, it’s like a fun little game. “Cause really, Sirius’ was like…perfect. No, I’m just
gonna ask.”

She spins around in her stool to look up to them all pointing at each other’s hands.

“Oi!” She calls.

Potter looks first. “Hi, Evans,” he beams.

Once she has all their attention, she mutters, “Yeah, hi…what did all of you get?”

“Peter was earth, I got water,” Remus replies.

“Course Pete got earth,” Sirius says. “He’s practically one with it. I’m apparently air, as was
announced to the entire class. James is fire, which was about as surprising as a fork in a
kitchen.”

Potter leans right into Sirius’ space with a stupid grin on his face. “Yeah, fire cause I’m h—“

“I got fire as well,” Lily interrupts without even meaning to. She meant that for herself,
really.

“Oh, well look at us!” Potter exclaims. “Two fiery souls. Y’know, this makes sense, like the
time you slapped me.”

Mary rolls her eyes at him. “Oh, good lord. This again.”

Lily couldn’t agree more. It happened in first year. “You’re out of your mind, Potter.”

“Hardly,” he retorts. “I’m in it. Couldn’t be out of it, I wonder what that’d look like.”

“Merlin, I’m going to slap you next,” Sirius declares, rubbing his temples.

Dorcas decides to egg him on. “Please do!” She encourages. Potter’s jaw goes slack at that.

“I thought you liked me!”

“We have had like…two good conversations in three years.”

“That’s something, isn’t it? What about our game of Exploding Snap?”

“One of the two,” Mary confirms.

Potter reaches upwards and stretches back into his chair lazily. “That’s ridiculous. Does this
count as a good conversation?”

“I wouldn’t count it,” Alice says.

“Oh, Alice Fortescue, we’ve never spoken ever, really. Am I so bad?”

She shrugs. “I hear enough about you from her—“ she gestures to Lily, “to know all I need
to.”

Lily’s eyes go wide. “Alice, that’s—“

“Really, Evans?” Potter teases. “I really appreciate that, y’know.”

“You shouldn’t. It’s all rude, mean, awful things.”

“All publicity is good publicity, no?”

“No!”

Potter shrugs with a smile. “Agree to disagree then?”

“You know what?” Lily stresses. “Yes, no more of this.”

She whips back around to face the front of the room with a huff. She really shouldn’t have
asked at all, that was such a ridiculous conversation. Remus would have told her if she asked
him later anyway.

It is noteworthy that both groups have all four types, in a way. Sort of like mirrors.

———

OCTOBER 10, 1973

“You have to stop trying to experiment in the middle of class,” Regulus comments on the
way out of Potions.

Pandora purses her lips. “I wanted to see if the flobberworm mucus would make it thicker.”

“Do it on your own time, you’re bound to mess things up for me,” he says. “I won’t be your
Potions partner if you keep adding things when I’m not looking. Follow the instructions.”

She looks annoyed by this, rolling her eyes as they move down the hall. It’s stuck up for her
to act like this despite the fact that she nearly blows up their cauldron every class.

Regulus had been measuring doxy eggs for a Girding Potion, turned, and found the potion an
entirely different color than it was two seconds prior. Slowly and with a clenched jaw, he
brought his eyes back up to his very guilty Potions partner who was poorly hiding a jar
behind her back.

They had to start all over, and they’re lucky neither one of them are daft and actually quite
proficient in the subject. She’s holding them both back with her ridiculous antics.

“Well, I could find another partner too, then!” Pandora proudly declares.

Regulus turns a corner on the way to the Slytherin dungeon, ready to be rid of her for the
moment. “Yeah? With what friends?”

“I could say the same for you, actually.”

He shoots a glare at her. “My goal here isn’t friends, I’ve told you this. If I’d wanted friends,
I would’ve been talking to my insufferable roommates for over a year now.”

“Hey, my brother’s in there. And why do we talk then?” She asks in a teasing manner, but
Regulus ignores her tone.
“You know why.”

Pandora shuts her mouth, face dropping. She gives that particular look sometimes, it’s
strangely aware in a way he doesn’t understand. “I do.”

Over the summer, she sent him letters of the things she Saw. It kept his mind temporarily
distant from all else in his home during August, and his skin prickles at the thought of it. All
those noises down the hall. Even Silencing charms couldn’t block it out entirely, and
afterwards he had to hear about it at dinner—which his brother was not invited to—with all
these comparisons . ‘Sirius’ this and ‘Sirius’ that. ‘Did you hear what Crouch had to say
about him?’, ‘It’s a lesson far overdue’, ‘Don’t turn out like your brother’. He may as well
have been present with how many times his name was brought up.

Regulus rolls his neck out to shed the memories, but regardless, the things she Saw usually
weren’t very interesting and ended up being mundane things like weather forecasting or
predictions of happenings in her own family. But sometimes, she gets good ones, something
actually worth reading.

Fallen stars, chaos in the streets, flashes of green, that is what Regulus wants to spend his
time analyzing. With these visions, she never sees anything specific. It’s more of an idea or a
metaphor of some kind. They spend days dissecting them afterwards like detectives, always
coming to the same conclusion.

The future is far from dull.

Neither know how far this ‘future’ is from them, but it frightens Pandora. She’ll sit beside
him in Potions and shakily hand him a slip of paper that details another dream she had. In the
privacy of his bed, he’ll read and take notes on it. Afterwards, he returns with the notes taken,
but keeps the actual vision for himself. Maybe it helps her, maybe it doesn’t. Who knows.

His favorite dream of hers is one of the most vague.

July 16, 1973

Fingertips bitten by frost. The blackened reflection shimmers with thousands of them all lost
to the same darkness, as will another.

He spent a long time on this one, picking it apart word by word. Regulus loves a challenge,
so he kept at it for days. Even now he hasn’t been able to fully understand it.

The first phrase he can easily understand, it’s frostbite. Blackened reflection could mean a lot
of things, however. A person looking at themself, lost to darkness in a metaphorical way. It
could be simple like mirrors, metal, or water.

‘Shimmers with thousands of them’ is where he gets stuck. It has such odd phrasing that he
hopes Pandora dreams of it again just so he can have more context. Whatever ‘they’ are, have
been lost to a darkness, as will another. Another what? Person? Group? Animal?

He’s asked Pandora, but she has a hard time remembering her dreams. She says she turns
over in bed and scribbles the words down the moment she wakes up just to see what he can
do with them. It’s a constant test of his intelligence he’s willing to participate in just to get
insight on the future.

No one else knows what she is, not even her own brother nor her parents. It’s particularly odd
that he is the only one she’s given this information to. Perhaps it’s due to Seers rarity and
their tendency to be either fraudulent or exploited. Despite his typical views on trust, he
believes in her abilities.

That doesn’t make her constant need to try something new in classes any less of an
annoyance.

He’s back in the Slytherin dorms now, laid out on his back and reading through her recent
dream.

October 10, 1973

The half blood grows stronger. No one is safe.

The half blood…it could be almost anyone. Regulus urged her for more information, like a
face or even just the gender of the half blood. Pandora had nothing for him. There is little he
can do with this, it’s a complete waste of his time to dissect it.

He rolls over and tucks it into his trunk where the rest of her dreams go. It gets locked with a
charm and although he doubts the others would look through his things, he wants a
precaution. He doesn’t trust a single one of them.

He has spoken very little with Carrow, but he’s watchful akin to the way he is. It sets him on
edge, especially when he can feel eyes burning into the back of his mind like he knows
something Regulus doesn’t.

Evan and Barty function in a way that’s intertwined despite how often they get on each
other’s nerves. They poke at him—in a less than physical sense—always trying to rile him up
and make him act out. To keep his head Regulus will then leave their shared room only to be
observed by everyone in the common room, too.

After what Sirius did, it’s no surprise he gets stares. He humiliated them. With Narcissa gone,
he has no one to turn to other than Pandora to satiate his desperate need to be away from
these people. And even with her, all he can do is peer into the depths of her slowly darkening
mind, looking for the future before letting himself process the present.
 ———

OCTOBER 13, 1973

There is only so much hand holding and examining a girl can take before it’s overwhelming.
She’s got a scroll beside her while she’s starfish laid out on the maroon rug staring up at the
ceiling. Mary beside her reading through her analyses, arms stretched up.

After finding out what elements their hands were, they were assigned to do everything else
for homework, which is ridiculous. Lily doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing whatsoever.
A lot of what’s on her paper feels like she made it up.

“How much does it matter if we mess up Divination?” She asks, gaze on the ceiling. “Like,
it’s not going to ruin my record, will it? I mean, who exceeds in this class other than Seers?”

Mary places her homework down beside her and sits up. “I’d like to do well, it’s just such a
flimsy topic.”

“Exactly! Some of it’s accurate which freaked me out a little. But the rest of it is so
confusing!” Lily huffs. “I’ve just spent the whole afternoon feeling up your hands, I could’ve
been practicing charms or something…”

Lily won’t deny that she enjoyed that part, sitting alone and close with Mary’s hand in hers,
skimming over smooth knuckles and fine lines. In class it was easy to hold back these
thoughts since they were surrounded by people. But now, Dorcas is out doing lessons and
Alice is with Frank and his friends.

“Thought you said my hands were soft,” Mary remarks.

She bites her tongue and glances back to the stone above, face swelling with heat. They were
huddled quite close to one another and it just…quietly slipped from her mouth mid-hand
examination. Lily had glanced up, and Mary’s face let her know that she did say it out loud.

Lily chuckles stiffly. “Yeah...I mean, it was an accident.”

“So you don’t think they’re soft?”

“No, I do.”

They stare at each other for a beat.

Mary’s above her in a way, so the angle is really getting her. She feels twitchy.

Lily clears her throat and averts her vision. “Uh, well, most girls’ are. Cause mine are too,
y’know.”
Then Mary does the most outlandish thing, reaching over and flipping her hand palm up to
feel it with her thumb. Lily’s lungs decide to not work anymore.

“Yeah, they are, I noticed,” she says absentmindedly, just holding her hand and staring down
at it.

Lily manages to muster up a strained, “Mhm…” The urge to pull her down and kiss her is
overwhelmingly strong, keeping her in a state where she’s unable to move. “…How much
longer is Dorcas’ lesson?” She mumbles.

Mary’s gaze finds hers. “Maybe…twenty minutes. How come?”

She sits up slowly, bangs falling over her eyes as she scoots closer. Mary furrows her brows,
searching her quietly. “Any boys you’re interested in?” Lily asks, staring very clearly not at
Mary’s eyes.

“No, not really,” she whispers, a silent laugh on the tip of her tongue. “Haven’t…had time to
think about that.”

“Hm…well—“

She’s silenced quickly by Mary’s lips pressed to hers, and her brain turns to static for a
moment. It’s not what she planned, but she will gladly go along with it. Lily kisses her back,
bringing a hand up into her curls and keeping it there. Like they practiced before.

She inhales deeply and Mary pulls back just enough to speak. “All practice, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lily breathes, pulling her back in for more. Mary goes willingly.

It’s not like the very first time, neither seem nervous or shy about it. There’s no hypothetical
boy on her mind either, just Mary. What the hell would Lily be practicing for anyway? No
boy is worth her time, not when Mary’s this good.

By the time she needs to back off for air, Lily notices Mary’s draped around her neck. They
sit quietly on the floor in each other’s arms, breathing slow and heavy. Where do they go
from here, then? Their lips are still partially touching, do they really call this pretending too?

Mary breaks the silence first, muttering, “You got better.”

That’s likely because she’s imagined this situation in fifty different ways since the first time
they kissed.

“Did I?” She asks.

Mary nods, slowly trying to remove her hands from where they’re connected behind her
neck. “Yeah. You seem like an expert, so…so you don’t really need the practice anymore.”

Lily blinks, dropping her hands. “Oh, that’s…nice of you to say.”

“I’ll um—I’ll clean up, Dorcas will be back soon.” Mary gets up, carrying their scrolls and
quills with her. Lily stays put where she is even when Mary pauses to glance back. “What?”
She says.

She finds herself at a loss for words, pushing to her feet. “Dunno, maybe I expected nicer
words than that,” Lily mumbles. She heads back to her bed, feeling floaty and very, very lost.

“Well, what do you want me to say? I said you got better.”

“I’m joking, relax ,” Lily lies, sitting back on the mattress. “If it makes you feel better, you
also improved.”

“Well, great,” Mary says, eyes distant.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the right thing to say. Lily doesn’t know what could possibly be
going through Mary’s head for her to be acting this way, she kissed her. It’s not like Lily went
in first and Mary didn’t kiss her back. She very much did, and with more passion than a
practice round calls for.

Now having kissed and slept in the same bed multiple times—given their sleepover habit in
the summer—Mary’s reaction feels odd. It could be because what they’re doing is a bit too
far for what girls normally do. It’s not like Mary kisses Dorcas or Alice in her free time. Well,
Lily hopes she doesn’t.

Perhaps it’s something to do with the only time Mary slept over at Lily’s. She knew they had
a sleeping bag somewhere in the house since Petunia’s friends typically used them. But she
didn’t say anything, her bed was plenty big enough for the two of them.

She’d woken up around breakfast when Petunia came in to tell her about it—clearly ordered
by her mum. There was an arm around her waist, a face tucked into the back of her neck, and
her sister giving her a weird look.

Her family was well aware of who Mary was at this point, they’d been going to see each
other at least once a week. At breakfast, Mary joined them and was bombarded with less
questions than she usually got when visiting. Her mum and dad are curious and have limited
experience with magical people, so when there’s something they want to know, they ask.

Are your parents normal people?

How did they react?

How did they adjust?

How does it all work, then?

That morning, they were given a question by Petunia.

Are your kind always so…touchy?

Mary put her fork down. Lily glared at her sister.

She hadn’t come to terms with what she felt for Mary at the time, though she’s still not
entirely sure.

“What sort of question is that?” Her mum asked. “Why not ask—“

“Well, what do I know?” Petunia shrugged. “I don’t know your customs. Have you ever been
to a church?”

Her dad wasn’t very happy about all that. “She’s not a different species, Tuney.”

“Isn’t she?”

“Shut up, Petunia,” Lily scolded. “Sometimes you’re just so foul.”

Mary stood suddenly, heading to the sink to put her dishes away. Lily considered following
after her.

“I think I’ll be heading home now,” she said quietly. “Thanks for letting me stay the night,
Mr and Mrs. Evans.”

As she made her way to the door, Lily went after her, not even bothering to clean up. They
were in the living room and the fireplace was only a few feet away, but Mary was still.

“I’m sorry about her, she hasn’t been very kind for a long time,” Lily apologized, watching
Mary from behind.

She took a deep breath and turned around, a calm smile present on her face. “It’s alright. You
did warn me.”

“That doesn’t make it okay. If you don’t want to come around here anymore, I’d get it.”

Mary thought about that for a moment. “Maybe not. The ‘species’ thing just…I dunno what
way she meant it, but I don’t care. I think Alice is busy this weekend, but we could go to
Dorcas’ instead?”

“Yeah, definitely!” Lily smiled, thankful that Petunia hadn’t just ruined everything for her.

She nearly turned to go to the fireplace, but suddenly stopped. “What did she mean, touchy?
And the church question.”

The truth was, Lily got out of bed before waking Mary up so she wouldn’t know just how
close they were. Even after Petunia left with that look on her face, Lily stayed still for a few
 minutes and just…breathed. Obviously breakfast was still going on, so she got up eventually.
Only then did she wake Mary up, who was oblivious to why she was on Lily’s side of the bed.

Lily didn’t know what to reply with, so she shrugged. “I think it’s just because we used the
same bed. When her friends stay over, they’re usually on something separate.”

“Oh,” Mary mumbled. “I haven’t really…thought about it.”

“She’s just strange like that. Totally hates sharing. And I don’t know what she meant with the
church question.”

Lily was lying a bit, she didn’t want her and Mary to start sleeping separately. Maybe she
said it too quickly, because she wasn’t sure Mary believed her.

“Okay, it’s just— I have been to church. Haven’t been in a while, but it’s um…” Her eyes
glazed over in thought for a moment, but she blinked out of it with a small smile. “Well. I’ll
see you at Dorcas’?”

Lily nodded stiffly. “Yeah. I’ll see you.”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: alluded racism and homophobia

The comment Petunia makes is not explicitly meant to be taken that way, she did mean it
more about witches, but Mary receiving it differently obviously makes sense.

But other than that, this one starts out Reg and Pandora’s thing I can’t explain yet and
Lily and Mary’s Thing. Capital T. It deserves that, it’s kind of hellish, I apologize.

Btw there’s a double meaning with a certain little vision, maybe you’ll catch my drift.

Hope you enjoyed!

 Third Year: Prodigy
Chapter Summary

The student and the teacher.

Chapter Notes

Words: 3.9k

OCTOBER 20, 1973

“Welcome back, Potter, Black.”

James smiles, dropping himself down into a chair beside Sirius. “You miss us?”

Professor McGonagall sighs. “It would have been nice if we did not have to meet this way.”

“I agree,” Sirius says. “We’ve got practice later, too. Why don’t you let us go and we can…
chat over tea tomorrow instead? Hm?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Aw, c’mon,” James whines. “We made it to nearly the end of October, I think we deserve
something for that.”

McGonagall hesitates before moving behind her desk to grab a green bowl off her wooden
shelf. Once she’s back in front of them, she holds it out, tilting it so they can see what’s
inside.

“Have a biscuit, you two…” she grumbles like she’s been forced to do this.

James and Sirius catch gazes before giggling and grabbing one each. He’s grabbed a Jammie
Dodger, he loves these things.

McGonagall draws back, placing the bowl behind her. “It’s an improvement. But that was not
a reward, your behavior was unacceptable yesterday.”

“Mhm, tell us all about it,” Sirius encourages, mouth full of dry biscuit.
“…I already regret my actions here. But I will not be restating what you know you’re here
for. You’re here to learn.”

James glances into space thinking back on yesterday fondly. They have Transfiguration with
the Slytherins this year, and he was holding back from messing around until yesterday. There
wasn’t necessarily a catalyst, but Snivellus was being his usual git-self with those obnoxious
friends.

They were learning the Draconifors Spell, which transfigures objects into little dragons.
Anyone could guess where this is going.

James nudged Sirius, thinking it would be quite funny to cast the charm on a bunch of little
objects around them and send them at their heads. The dragons can’t breathe fire because
they’re too small, it was relatively safe. Like having a lot of spiny birds in your hair.

So…that’s what they did. And now they’re here, and that group of three is likely out of the
Hospital Wing at this point. Neither of them took account for the tiny claws dragons have,
which was a bit of an oversight. He doesn’t feel so bad about it, Mulciber and Avery are
grime under his shoe and Snivellus kept looking at Lily. It was…annoying him.

Once McGonagall swiftly rid the room of dragons, Lily scolded him in front of the whole
class. There was a spark in her eyes as she called he and Sirius a couple of twats only to be
reeled in by her friends and pulled back down. James just smiled at her.

The detention is pretty simple, it’s merely doing extra work he completes with ease. At least
there are no poisonous snails in the Forbidden Forest, but to be fair, it did help them find out
about Donahue, so he’s not too upset by it in retrospect. Remus is somewhat safe and sound
now.

Speaking of Remus, he seems to be making it back to solid ground now. He still hasn’t said
what’s happened, but James can tell. His head can’t wrap around the entire idea of losing
someone for good, but he knows it happens. It’s not like he’s stupid.

It must not feel so bad eventually considering Remus isn’t as quiet anymore. He chuckles at
jokes and makes some of his own. He’ll participate in their more harmless jokes and have fun
with the invisibility cloak—a thing that’s totally saved James’ life. Their prank-making
horizons expanded tenfold once he got his hands on it, and all four of them have used it for
all sorts of things.

For example, the moment they get out of detention, the two of them hide and seek out those
three gits again. Once they do, they send little jinxes with hushed giggles to trip them up and
confuse them. The cloak is a blessing, really.

He’s completely sidetracked, but he means to say that things might be able to return to
normal soon. Sirius is still having nightmares, but since James has let him take residence in
his bed, they seem to have calmed a tad. Whatever he’s doing must be working.
The next time they have Transfiguration, Snivellus and his gang are back and look very
unhappy about their existence. James would chuckle at them if Lily wasn’t looking at that
slimeball with pity.

“Will you please let this class go smoothly?” Remus nearly pleads from his and Peter’s table.

“You didn’t think it was funny?” James asks.

The boy shakes his head. “I’ve already told you no. You and Sirius could’ve got in serious
trouble, you’re lucky they’re alright.”

Sirius smiles a bit stupidly. “So it’s not about them, it’s about us.”

Remus bites his tongue, eyes diverting. “No,” he mumbles. “I can’t believe she gave you a
biscuit for that.”

“I’ve never got sweets for doing something bad,” Peter chimes in.

James hums, bumping Sirius with his elbow. “She loves us.”

“Right, she does.”

“Where is she, anyway?” Peter wonders.

“…Dunno, actually,” he says. James decides to peek around to see if anyone else is confused.
The girls don’t seem to notice or care, and out of the corner of his eye is a cat.

Huh?

James pushes his glasses up his nose, and yeah, there’s a cat. It’s silver and black, jumping
onto McGonagall’s desk.

“Guys,” he hisses, nudging Sirius again and pointing at the animal.

Remus furrows his brows. “The hell—?”

The class is paying attention to it now as it sits calmly at the front of the room. Suddenly, it
leaps forward, stretching and reforming itself until it’s no longer a tabby, but a woman. And
not just any woman, Professor McGonagall.

James sits frozen with his jaw on the ground, that was certainly not what he was expecting.
He’s been here three years and didn’t know she was a cat. A cat! Well, an animagus, but still.

Most of the class murmur in awe, Lily and Mary look slightly horrified.

McGonagall adjusts her pointed hat with a thin smile. “Animagi, one of the most difficult and
potentially dangerous forms of transfiguration,” she begins. “It takes months or up to years of
discipline and patience to achieve this skill, showing true mastery of the magic.”
James rests his chin in his hand to listen intently. Truthfully, he’s grown to like this class
more than he used to. It could be because of McGonagall and her newfound inability to
punish them for their misdeeds, but he quite likes her and this class. Now knowing she’s an
animagus, he’s even more into it.

It’s just a fascinating form of magic, really. He remembers watching moving pictures of the
transformations on the cover of this old book his dad owns. It was this woman who could
turn into a snowy owl, it’s practically etched into his mind at this point.

“There are very few registered animagi in the whole country due to the high possibility that it
could go south. That is why there’s a registration in the first place, the Ministry needs as few
inexperienced wizards trying to self-transfigure as possible.” McGonagall paces the room,
watching some students taking notes. James just absorbs. He doesn’t do notes unless it’s for
Remus.

She continues on with the lesson, going over the entire process which sounds like an absolute
nightmare. Mandrake leaves in the mouth for a month—which might not even work
depending on the weather, potion brewing, lightning storms, the whole lot. Merlin, that’s
complicated, he doesn’t know how she did that at seventeen. His patience doesn’t last that
long, he’d forget or maybe even swallow the leaf. How do you not?

James raises his hand slightly, catching her attention. “Maybe this is a dumb question, but
how do you not…eat the leaf?”

“People have found their ways, Potter,” she explains. “Different charms or just sheer dumb
luck. There is a fair amount of luck involved in this process, you understand.”

“Yeah, how’d you do it so young then?”

From the look on her face, she seems quite pleased with him and his questions. “I was guided
by the Headmaster during my time here. It would have taken me much longer without his
assistance.”

He hums, glancing at Sirius to see what he thinks of all this, but he looks lost in his own
head. His eyebrows are scrunched up with a slight frown like he’s concentrating.

James taps him and catches his attention. “You alright?” He whispers.

Sirius nods quickly. “Yeah. I’m just…thinking.”

“Good thinking?”

“Might be.”

A smile grows on his face. “Tell me later?”

Sirius nods hesitantly. “Peter too.”

He frowns in confusion but shrugs and decides to wait and see what he has to say. Why not
Remus?
Sirius’ plan to purposely exclude Remus ends up working out, he’s doing work with Lily
tonight which leaves the room to just the three of them.

He wonders how it’s so easy for them to get along and talk while he and Lily always seem to
be butting heads. The only time he felt like they could possibly be friends was when she’d
saved him from potential memory loss by petrifying Donahue. After that, it was like it didn’t
even happen for her, but it’s all James thinks about when she catches his eye. It’s not the
weirdest thing for him to think about her, but it happens so often now that he has to wonder if
it means something.

Actually, the wondering can wait, Sirius looks very determined to tell them something. He
and Peter are sitting cross legged, the latter looking very delighted to be here. Sirius is up on
his feet, pacing and clearly thinking to himself.

James watches him carefully. “What is it then?”

Sirius lets out a slow breath. “Okay…can’t believe I didn’t think of this before, but we all
know Remus’ furry little problem, yeah?” It’s rhetorical, so he continues, “Something
interesting about Werewolves, they don’t target regular old animals, just humans.”

“Do they?” Peter asks.

“We learned it last year.”

“Oh…yeah.”

Sirius drops to sit, now fully composed. “With the animagus stuff today…do you think…a
Werewolf would see one and attack them?”

He’s actually not sure, but he can tell where Sirius is going with this because he knows
Sirius, and it sounds like an easy way to die.

“We can’t be animagi, Sirius.”

“Wh—“ He sputters. “I didn’t even say it yet!”

James shrugs. “We’re on the same brain waves, remember? I’m finishing your sentences now,
careful, I’ll start saying them before you do,” he lightly teases. Sirius whacks him on the arm.
“Ow?”

“Oh, c’mon, that didn’t hurt. But why not? What if we could be out there with him?”

Peter grimaces. “I’m not into dying, really.”

Sirius groans, “Shut up, Peter,” with an eye roll. “I’m just throwing the idea around, but don’t
you think if there’s a chance to help him we should take it? We’ve all seen how he is after the
moons.”
“But how would us hypothetically being animals fix that?” James questions.

“I don’t know yet, I wanna research.”

“What?!”

Sirius deadpans at him. “You’ve got some nerve, Potter.”

“I do, but you wanna research?” James practically gawks. “So you’re like…serious about
this?”

“No, I’m making it up—obviously I’m serious! I’m even ignoring making the joke, that’s
how serious I am right now.”

“Would you register with the Ministry?” Peter says nervously.

Sirius scoffs. “No way. Why do they need to know?”

“Because it’s a serious crime…?”

“We break the law almost every week, Peter, come on,” Sirius complains.

But Peter doesn’t let down. “That’s just sweets theft, this is really dangerous and really
illegal! I’m not going to Azkaban.”

“Fine, you don’t have to do it, then. I don’t care.”

“You sound pretty dead set on this, Sirius…” James comments. “I don’t care about the law
and I do love your mad ideas, but you heard what McGonagall said. It’s really dangerous and
could go wrong in a million ways, what if you become half horse but like…the top half.”

Sirius crosses his arms and frowns. “I just want to see if it’s plausible first. No harm in that.
Second of all, she did it at seventeen.”

“Yeah, with Dumbledore’s help. We’re also very much not seventeen.”

“I’m almost fourteen,” Sirius says. “That’s nearly seventeen.”

James makes a face. “Is it, though?”

Sirius slumps into himself, frustrated and stubborn as ever. “Can’t you at least look into it
with me? I don’t know if I’m really doing it or not, I just want to see if it could work with
Remus.”

He has to admit it, he’s impressed with how far Sirius is willing to go. If anything, he’s come
a long way from when they all first got here and he was a bit of a jerk. A lovely jerk who
made him laugh, but…still. Cold calculated gazes are now warm and pleading for James to
please cooperate with him. What’s the worst that could come from research? It doesn’t mean
he has to become an animagi, despite how ridiculously cool it is.
Plus, there’s the bonus of spending even more time with Sirius, if that was possible. They
already live together and have every class together and do Quidditch together and…well. He
could add on another, researching animagi for Remus.

James nods, coming to terms that there really is no harm in looking things up. “Okay, I’ll do
it.”

Sirius beams at him then looks to Peter. His mouth is scrunched up and thinned out in
annoyance. Peter keeps shooting glances at him for a minute before squeaking out,

“I don’t know, okay!”

“Fine, then. Just you and me, James.”

———

OCTOBER 24, 1973

The ground crunches beneath her as she lays stomach first, murmuring tiny freezing spells to
frost the ends of fallen leaves. It’s a simple exercise Professor Ainsworth is having her do to
learn control since she may or may not have frozen an entire lake in her last lesson. It was
cool—literally—but not what she intended. So technically, it was wrong.

Marlene’s on her back reading some novel, semi-dyed hair spread out on the ground. They
don’t get much time to hang out, just the two of them, so it’s nice just coexisting.

Marlene glances over at her and tips her book down to her chest. “That’s cool, it almost looks
like a sweet,” she comments. “If you put it on a plate, I’d eat it.”

Dorcas smiles, holding up a few leaves coated in a thin frost around the edges. “Thanks! I’ve
got to do some practice for my lessons and things.”

“That’s what you do in the lessons?”

“Uh…” Dorcas says. “Not exactly.”

Marlene hums, picking up a dry leaf and using it as a bookmark. “I’ve been wondering, what
do you do? Is it like…similar to our regular classes?”

She thinks back on that staggeringly tall fire she made that swelled with heat. Exploding
boulders three times her height, watching them burst like balloons. There were also the ice
daggers in her second lesson, which she isn’t very good at yet. That’s partially what this is
for.
“No.”

“Ooh…” Marlene sing-songs, rolling onto her stomach. “That’s nice, it’s special then?”

Dorcas shrugs shyly. “A bit.”

Marlene grins, kicking her feet behind her. “Teach me something, I wanna know what you’re
doing!”

It’s not the first time someone’s asked, Lily and Mary both have, and she’s denied them. She
denies Marlene too, who looks disappointed but doesn’t back down.

“Aw, why not? It’ll be fun, I catch onto things fast.”

She wants to, but Ainsworth has made it very clear to keep this between just them two. As
annoying as that is, she’s not about to betray his trust. He’s given her something she didn’t
know she had, it’s not going to be wasted.

Ainsworth is an interesting man, she knows next to nothing about him or where he came
from. He was a Ravenclaw, is thirty-eight, and has a big interest in training her apparent
potential. That’s it. Dorcas, on the other hand, keeps letting things slip about her personal life.
He doesn’t seem to mind, and he doesn’t pry. She’s just very comfortable, it’s not her fault.

“It’s just more advanced Defense charms, it’s nothing crazy,” Dorcas dismisses, latching onto
the same lie.

Marlene makes a noise and rolls back to pick her book up. “Alright, it’s a big secret, that’s
fine. I love charms, though.”

“It’s not a big secret,” she lies. “Just…I dunno.”

That was definitely the sloppiest excuse she’s given yet, but Marlene seems to have moved
on already. Her brain moves fast like that, never really able to concentrate on one thing for
too long. Although, it doesn’t work like someone would expect. Since she doesn’t like
lingering on things, she’ll learn quickly, get things done, speed through books, not hold
grudges. Most people would assume a brain that doesn’t want to concentrate would be a
failure, but for Marlene, it seems to excel her.

Maybe she’s jealous of that. Dorcas is the opposite, needing to put her everything into all she
does because without it she feels like it isn’t enough. She only found out recently that she
could be something more, and now it’s all she can think about. Marlene knows she’s smart
and talented and lives like normal, likely having shifted her focus elsewhere a long time ago.

“Hey!” Calls a voice from afar.

Dorcas looks up from her frosty leaves and spots Mary with a warm smile on her way over.
She sits up and beckons her to come over.

“Thought I’d come out, it’s warm today,” Mary says, sitting down beside her. “Nice leaf
thing, what spell is that?”
“A really mild Glacius, just to cover the end of it.”

Marlene slightly frowns. “You tell her, but not me?” The tone is light, so Dorcas doesn’t take
it too seriously.

“Well, you know this one already, you’re the genius here,” she remarks.

Marlene scrunches her nose up, mumbling, “Genius. Because I’m a Ravenclaw?”

“Pft,” Mary sounds. “No, because you’re pretty much top of the class. Have been!”

“I spend more time studying than you think, Macdonald. My room looks like a damn library.”
She sighs, closing her book for good and sitting up. “Where are the others, then?”

Mary cocks her head. “Who?”

“Uh, Lily and Alice. Obviously.”

That makes Mary standoffish all of a sudden, and she merely shrugs. “Dunno, they’re busy.”

Dorcas raises an eyebrow at her, immediately catching her tone. Mary’s been hard to reach
recently, and the way she holds herself changes entirely depending who’s in the room. Alice
and Lily have spent this entire time together, so it’s impossible to tell if the issue is individual
or collective.

“Are you having a spat or something?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Well, I don’t know,” Dorcas says. “The past couple weeks you’ve been in a bit of a mood.”

Mary stiffens. “I haven’t. They’re busy, that doesn’t mean we’re fighting or something.”

“Maybe, but you got all strange when I asked about them,” Marlene adds, scooting in closer.
“What’s it then? You can spill it. I won’t tell.”

“Nothing’s happened!” Mary exclaims with incredulity. “Seriously, there is nothing going on
Lily.”

Dorcas and Marlene shoot a glance at one another.

“…And Alice, right?”

“Yeah,” Mary hesitates. “Yes. Nothing with either. You two need to relax, really. You and
your gossip.”

“Whatever you say, goes,” Dorcas finishes, turning to freeze more plants. The odd topic of
Lily isn’t brought up again.
 -

OCTOBER 27, 1973

There’s a fabric dummy some meters away from her that Saturday. It’s floating, controlled by
Lazarus Ainsworth in the middle of the forest.

“Does it need to be moving?” She calls out to ask, following it with her wand.

“Do you think your opponent’s just gonna stand there?”

Dorcas scoffs lightheartedly. “Who am I fighting? I’m not getting into these situations.”

Ainsworth raises a brow, giving her this look . He does that when she talks about the future
sometimes, but she doesn’t understand it. “You never know. It’s always better to be prepared,
don’t you think? Now shoot the damn thing, my arm’s tiring out.”

She chuckles, quieting to concentrate. With a flick of her wand, she shouts, “Confringo!”

A burst of flames shoots from the wand, causing the dummy to explode into fiery scraps in
the air. Before the forest takes the brunt of damage, Ainsworth gathers them all up by
swirling his wand and sending them into the lake behind him.

“Fantastic job, I’m really running out of these things because of you,” he compliments. The
fabric scraps are now a sopping wet pile at his feet. “Now, for regular classes, I’ll be having
Boggarts after the holidays. I know it’s a while from now, but I wanted to give the heads up.
Do you know what those are?”

Dorcas can very slightly recall there being a Boggart in her house once when she was
younger. It was dealt with by her mum after it frightened her, but that’s all she remembers.
She shrugs.

“Well, it’s this creature, or entity that takes on your biggest fear. I was going to bring one in
to demonstrate, then have you all do it on your own.”

“Is that safe?”

“Oh, yes,” he dismisses. “I had a lesson like this when I was in school, it’s very normal. Are
you scared of anything, Dorcas?”

She thinks about it, trying to remember what that Boggart had been back then. She was a kid
though, she’s sure her fears are quite different now.

Dorcas is scared of her mum and friends dying for sure, that’s not a debate. But anyone
would be scared of that. She racks her brain for anything common like clowns or heights, but
there’s nothing.
“I’m not sure, actually,” she mutters, fiddling with her wand. “Guess I’ll find out.”

“I guess you will,” Ainsworth says. “Now, you worked on the ice, yes?”

“Oh yeah, all week, wanna see?”

Before he can answer, Dorcas points her wand at the mush of fabrics next to his feet and
freezes just that spot. Exactly what she intended for it to do.

Ainsworth hums in approval. He leans down and picks the frozen cloth up. “Wow, good
work. You meant for it to do that, yes?”

Dorcas beams, nodding quickly.

“See, last week, you would’ve frozen my feet with it. You really have gotten better…” He
studies her for a few seconds, like he’s considering something. “Hm…”

“What?”

“I think next lesson, we’ll be back in the classroom. Less uh…explosives and weaponry. So
there’s no need for the forest.”

She frowns in confusion. “So it’s like a lecture?”

Ainsworth half shrugs. “I suppose it is. But don’t take that the wrong way, it’s actually
because I think there’s even more you can do. Only, I want to teach you before we get there.”

They start on their way back to the bridge, Dorcas as delighted as ever that he wants to keep
going. “Oh, brilliant! When’s the next lesson then?”

“I can’t be sure just yet, but I’m thinking late-November.”

“Really?” She whines disappointedly. “That’s a while…”

Ainsworth pats her on the back. “Ah, no matter, I’m just busy. It’s not like you aren’t learning
Defense, you still have regular classes,” he comforts.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”

“No,” he says. “It isn’t, is it?”

———
 Third Year: Quirthday
Chapter Summary

What’s it called when two people flirt and both have no idea they’re flirting?

Chapter Notes

Words: 5.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 3, 1973

For the first time likely ever, Sirius wakes up first. It’s always James who rises the moment
there’s a wink of sunlight on the horizon. Today, however, it’s him.

He forces his eyes open, staring up at the ceiling with heaving breaths. Quickly regaining
composure, Sirius sits up and rubs sleep out of his eyes. That’s one way to start your
fourteenth birthday.

It wasn’t the worst nightmare he’s ever had. He would just prefer if they didn’t happen at all.

Today is a big day, and not just because it’s his birthday, it’s his first Quidditch game too. He
and James have been practicing for weeks to get him game ready, and James keeps making
jokes about that phrase being his middle name. Apparently, he missed something at some
point when that started.

His tryouts were fairly easy. James showed up to support him and his spur-of-the-moment
decision to start playing sports. There were two positions open, which were Beater and
Seeker. He chose Beater due to his tiny amount of experience, and it turns out that actually
trying will get him places. Sirius was pretty good before, but after all this practice, he’s good.

After summer break ended, Sirius was both weak and incredibly skinny from…everything.
Quidditch has done nothing if not put the meat back on his bones, which he’s really thankful
for. He looks like a living person again.

James decided to stay with the Chaser position even after his big scheme to get Seeker. He
likes it where he is, and throwing a ball around is fun when he’s not being tormented by
Marlene McKinnon. The Seeker position was handed to the second year, Emmeline Vance.
She was that shy girl he thought would be anything but a Gryffindor during their bet last
term. The past year has changed her and she seems sure of herself now. To have such an
important position you need at least some nerve.

He rolls out of bed, deciding to give up going back to sleep since the sky is beginning to
lighten. In maybe ten minutes, James is going to rip their curtains open and give a loud ‘good
morning’.

Oh, good idea. Sirius smirks, slowly sauntering over to James’ bed. He grabs the drapes and
yanks them to the side, yelling, “Good morning, James!”

James scrunches his brows together and groans. “Not yet, sun’s not…not here yet,” he
murmurs. Two seconds later, his eyes pop open. “Oh, Sirius, happy birthday! Happy
Quidditch!”

“Yes, happy…birth-ditch…Quidday…” Sirius says, trying to combine them in a stupid way.

“Whatever, it’s both!”

“I know!” He exclaims, jumping out of bed and pulling Sirius into a tight hug. Hesitantly,
Sirius holds him back. The embrace lasts only a couple of seconds, but he feels great now,
really great. “We’re gonna beat those Slytherins into the ground!”

“Hell yes, we are.”

An annoyed grumble from all their talking sounds within the bed next to James’.

“It’s so early…the sun isn’t even out yet…twats…” Peter yawns loudly.

James giggles, running over and pulling the fabric back. “It’s Quirthday!”

“Ooh, Quirthday, I like that one,” Sirius remarks.

“Yeah, I’m a genius.”

Peter presses his pillow over his face and continues to moan in annoyance. “Happy…
Quirthday, Sirius.”

“Thank you!” He grins. “I’m big and fourteen now, I’m a growing boy. Watch out, James, I’ll
get bigger than you again.”

James scoffs a laugh. “No chance, you had first year and that’s it. Your only competition are
Peter and Remus.”

“Well, that’s not a competition at all.”

“Hey!” Peter complains, pulling the pillow off. “Not cool!”

“You know what else isn’t cool, Pete?” James asks. “Sleeping in! Now, c’mon, big day
today.”
While the two of them ramble off, going on about how it’s too early to be anything, Sirius
tip-toes to the other side of the room. Remus is the heaviest sleeper on the planet, he’s sure of
it. It’s strange, because he’s always the second one up, but he wouldn’t move if the castle
exploded.

He reaches out and gently pulls the drapes to the side, just enough for a sliver of light to peek
through. He’s curled up and holding himself peacefully. It almost feels wrong to do this.

Sirius taps his shoulder, muttering, “Hey, Remus?” He doesn’t stir, so he tries again. “Remus,
we’re getting up, it’s Quidditch-birthday, we’re calling it Quirthday.”

Remus makes a noise, turning his face further into the pillow with a slight frown. It’s kind of
sweet.

“Remuuus. Remus. Sun’s coming up. Remus. Remus?”

“…No, I don’t wanna,” he slurs as if he’s still sleeping. He probably is.

Behind him, Peter and James are scrambling around, but he ignores them for a minute.

“Almost there, I’m not leaving until I get a ‘happy birthday’ from you,” he jokes, tapping his
shoulder again before sighing. “Remus, come on . Merlin, you are a force to be reckoned
with. I’m fourteen, and you’re gonna watch me play Quidditch today.”

Remus’ expression contorts, a slight smile dancing on his lips. “…Am I…?” He mumbles,
eyes closed, but in a different way now. “News to me…”

“You are a nightmare to wake up, you know.”

His smile grows and he opens one eye to peer at Sirius. “And how long did you sit here
willingly doing it?”

“Only a minute,” he says defensively.

“Okay. Hi.”

Sirius blinks. “Hi…uh…well, today’s a big day.”

Remus sits up on his elbows. “Yeah? What is it? I can’t remember.”

“Shut up.”

For some reason, that keeps Remus beaming. “Happy birthday, Sirius. And happy Quidditch,
I guess.”

“Yeah, we’re calling it Quirthday. Didn’t you hear?”

“No?”

Sirius shrugs lightly. “Well we are, so—“

“You haven’t started getting dressed?!” James exclaims, coming out of the bathroom with a
toothbrush in his mouth. Sirius didn’t even know he went in there. “C’mon, chop chop!”

He sighs roughly getting back to his feet. “I’ll break your glasses, four eyes.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“No, you don’t. You need your eyes today.” Sirius begins digging through his drawers for all
his Quidditch gear, nerves starting up as if his body is realizing what he has to do today.

James pauses. “I need my eyes everyday.”

Peter’s on his bed buttoning up his shirt and asks, “Why hasn’t anyone made a potion for bad
vision yet? You can grow back limbs, but can’t fix your eyes. Isn’t that weird?”

“So they can sell more glasses—hell if I know, Pete!” James exclaims. “I like them, anyway.
No pun intended, but I don’t think I look good without them.”

“Oh, please,” Sirius says, pulling on his jersey. “You couldn’t look bad if you tried.”

This, for some reason, makes James smile so hard his eyes go squinty. “Really?! Wow…
could do loads with that.”

“…What’s that even mean?”

They’re sitting in the Great Hall, and James is scarfing down food beforehand like he usually
does. Sirius eats normally, because he thinks he would totally throw up if he used this tactic.
James just says it’s for the ‘energy’, but Remus doesn’t even eat like that after the moons.

Speaking of, the two of them have started shuffling through books when they can, but it’s
difficult since Remus is always around. Maybe if he started this last year when he was
avoiding them on purpose, they could’ve been in a better place. But that also means being
avoided by Remus, which would simply upset him. Waiting until the next full moon seems to
be their best option, it’s only a week away.

The other two don’t seem as invested in it as he is, maybe it’s because they don’t know if it
will work yet, but he doesn’t know anything either. It’s just that there’s a chance he can help,
so he wants to take it even if it uses a lot of effort to get there.

Across the room, Marlene McKinnon seems to be drifting her way over to their table and
settles between James and Frank.

“Hey! Wanted to tell you two good luck today,” she says with a smile.

James swallows down a mouthful of jellied-up toast. “No taunts for me?”

Marlene frowns. “No? I’m not playing today, and you’re against the Slytherins, I’m on your
side. And Sirius, nice one getting the best position.”
He and Marlene haven’t really spoken before, so he puts on a face of nonchalance. “Oh, it
was nothing. It’s quite fun, flying around with a big bat.”

“Right?” She agrees. “Hope you’re able to play today with the new Seeker.”

“Emmeline’s quite good—“

“Not on your team, Black. The Slytherin’s,” Marlene says, eyes narrowed at him. “Don’t you
know?”

Sirius blinks. “Know what?”

She scoffs a laugh. “Potter, do you know?”

“Uh…”

Her smile curls upwards a bit mischievously. “Good luck.” She starts to get up, patting James
on the back while heading back to her side of the room.

“Wait, Marlene, who—“ Sirius cuts himself off and sighs. “Frank, who’s the new Slytherin
Seeker?”

Frank looks between him and James before simply admitting, “Oh, just your brother.”

“I’m sorry…?”

It’s not like Frank knows all their issues, so he doesn’t see a problem with that. “Yeah, he
tried out, got in. Saw it posted up. He didn’t tell you that?”

What Sirius doesn’t say is ‘No, my brother doesn’t talk to me’, even though he’d really like
to. Then again, it’s not like Sirius told him he got in, so maybe it’ll be a surprise for both of
them.

“Nope,” he sighs, rubbing his nose bridge.

His first ever game is going to have him pelting violent metal balls at his baby brother.
Fantastic.

James gulps down a big sip of pumpkin juice and shoots up from his seat like a rocket.
“Okay, time to go!”

Sirius pushes his plate back and gets to his feet when his elbow is tapped by Remus, who’s
smiling up at him sweetly.

“Good luck,” he says.

His chest feels tight from nerves, so Sirius gives a small smile and nod of his own before
following after James and the rest of the team. They seem to disappear once he’s down at the
tent, though, which doesn’t make much sense. Usually nerves stick around for the actual
event.
“You think you’re gonna be alright with Regulus on the team?” James asks quietly as they
pull their gear on.

Sirius shrugs a shoulder trying to look casual. “Probably, I don’t think it’s a big deal. I just
had no idea he even liked flying.”

That thought gets him stuck in his own head. Sirius had no idea Regulus liked flying, and he
doesn’t know anything else about him either. Does he still have a favorite bug? Favorite
color? Does he look at the stars in awe, watching them twinkle through wide eyes? Sirius
used to spend every day with him, now Regulus likes to fly and he didn’t know.

The new team captain, Colin Williams gathers them all up for a pep talk. He seems nervous
given that it’s his first ever game leading the team, especially after Goodwin’s legacy.

He can faintly hear Benjy Fenwick announcing while Colin encourages them to do good and
try their best. Sirius imagines Goodwin was more of a natural than he is, the team doesn’t
look incredibly energized by his words.

Sirius pushes his helmet down over his hair and lines up with Frank at his side, who nudges
him playfully. “You’re gonna do great,” he says.

“I hope so…” Sirius mutters. He clutches his bat and readies his broom, James’ old
Cleansweep Four. It’s a bit out of date at this point, but there was no chance he was asking
his parents to spend money on him. Not after the summer.

Sirius takes a deep breath.

“Now, put your hands or wands or whatever else you’ve got together, and get ready fooor…
Gryffindor!” He shouts, and the curtains open.

The air is a bit brisk and a gust of cold wind hits him suddenly. Amidst all the cheering,
Sirius mounts his broom and flies out behind the others to get into position, also secretly
looking out for Regulus.

It’s a completely different feeling being on the field than in those stands. Everyone else looks
so tiny from here.

“Yes, give it up, fantastic. Now, all you greens make noise for your Slytherin team!”

Sirius watches the flaps of the tent open and the emerald-donning students flying out in
groups. Regulus goes last, shooting out like lightning on a brand new shiny broom and not
sparing him a glance.

“Interesting match today,” Benjy comments. “Four new players between them, three of them
second years, and two of them are the Seekers! Will we see a remarkable display of talent
today, or is it going to be a rough year for Quidditch?”

He scoffs, gripping his broom tighter with his leather glove. Rough year, my arse.
Madam Hooch walks to the center of the pitch with the case and releases the Snitch and
Bludgers. Sirius tracks the latter as they spread out like they have a mind of their own.
Finally, the Quaffle is tossed, and the game begins.

The Beater position is interesting because the entire thing is watching your surroundings,
always being aware of every person relative to the Bludger. Like most people, he assumed it
was all about randomly whacking a ball as hard as he could to hit someone, but it really isn’t.

Sirius is knocking hits away from his own teammates left and right as points rack up. James
has scored a few, which he gives fly-by high fives for.

“Nice one, James!” He shouts before redirecting to his own Bludger.

In the distance, he hears a “Thank you!”

There’s been no luck on the Snitch so far, but he keeps seeing these flashes of green and red,
so they must be close. They’re fast, is the thing. Like, seriously fast.

According to James, Seekers are usually put on the team when they’re younger since they’re
smaller, making them fly faster.

The game is close, just a twenty point difference between them, Gryffindor in the lead. Sirius
knocks a Bludger towards Burke, one of the Slytherin Chasers who plays dirty, and he
doesn’t look very happy about it. He chuckles, flying higher to catch up to the ball he just
slammed when he spots it.

Regulus and Emmeline are neck and neck, and the Snitch glistens in the sunlight only a few
feet in front of them. The Bludger passes him by, heading down as Sirius watches his brother
leaning down low to pick up speed. Emmeline’s falling behind as Regulus gets closer to the
tiny golden prize.

In a split second, he makes a decision.

Sirius dives down low, bat raised in the air and heading straight for a fast moving Bludger,
not even half a meter from the ball—

He stops.

It would’ve been a perfect shot to head straight for Regulus’ new polished broom, knocking
him away and letting Emmeline win the game.

The opportunity to hit the Bludger is gone.

The Snitch is caught by his baby brother and the Slytherin stands erupt into cheers.

Oh. Sirius just let them win the game. How stupid is he? Regulus doesn’t even look at him,
he doesn’t know what he just did, he instead stares down at his closed fist.

A triumphant smirk grows on his face and he lifts his head to see everyone celebrating him.
That’s a face of real pride, and Sirius doesn’t think he’s ever seen it on Regulus before. He
doesn’t even remember the last time he smiled, let alone pumped a Snitch-filled fist in the air
while his legs dangle off the broom.

For one short moment, Sirius isn’t upset with his decision.

And then he turns to his team. Suddenly, he thinks he might have made a mistake.

“It was obvious what happened,” Colin lectures him once they’re back in the tent. “You can’t
let your brother get in the way of your feelings, you’ve just cost us the game!”

“Hey, don’t be harsh on him.” James pushes forward to defend him. “He didn’t even know
Regulus was on the team until right before and it’s his first game! Cut him some slack.”

Sirius turns away, his head hanging low as he pulls his gear off. It’s a bit humiliating having
James defend him like this.

“On your first ever game, you made one of the best plays we’ve ever seen. It’s hardly an
excuse.”

James scowls. “Oh, come on, that’s ridiculous! Not everyone is the same, and you could be
nicer with your advice . You’re the captain, why don’t you own up to that?”

Sirius can practically sense an argument starting. “James, it’s alright. I messed up, I’ll do
better against the Hufflepuffs next time,” he says, starting his way out of the tent.

“Yeah, you will, I’ll be training you like crazy the next couple months!” Colin shouts out as
they leave.

James makes a face as they get further away. “He makes a terrible captain, you did great,
Sirius. Really.”

He shrugs. “I shouldn’t have done that, I dunno what I was thinking.”

“Don’t linger on it, I swear you were really good. Plus, we’ve still got the rest of the day,”
James grins. “We’re celebrating, of course.”

“Celebrating after a loss?”

“Hardly a loss, it’s your birthday today!”

Remus and Peter quickly catch up to them outside the tent, they don’t look disappointed in
him either.

“It’s birthday time!” Peter exclaims and Sirius goes hot with embarrassment. “I’ve got
leftovers from our last trip to Hogsmeade, and next week is the first real one.”

Remus purses his lips and doesn’t speak up, but Sirius knows what he’s thinking. To be fair,
he can’t go either and that’s why he planned to get more research for animagi in. James
offered up the cloak, but he refused this time, maybe next time he’ll take it.
“Can’t go,” he replies simply. “Didn’t get my slip signed, also I’ve gotta be there for after
Remus goes moony.”

“I’ve told you that’s not what that word means,” Remus corrects with raised brows.

“Do you not like it?”

Remus diverts his gaze. “I didn’t say that.”

“Issue resolved, then!” He declares, his spirits already a bit higher. “Are we off?”

They hurry back inside and make a stop at the dungeons where the kitchen is for a cake. Peter
and James go in because of their particular liking to Tizzy the elf, but Sirius isn’t into being
swarmed. Remus is out here because he asked him to be.

They sit down outside the pear portrait and wait together for a while in comfortable silence.
Well, that is until Sirius starts feeling antsy.

“…You don’t think I did poorly today, right?” He questions, knees drawn up into his chest.

Remus frowns at him. “No, you did good. Just because you didn’t wanna whack your brother
doesn’t mean you were bad. Did someone say that?”

He hums to confirm. “Colin, our captain. James had to defend me, which was a little
embarrassing.”

“James would defend you to the ends of the earth, it’s not embarrassing. Trust me, Sirius.”

“I do.”

They look at each other for a few seconds before Remus breaks eye contact. He takes a deep
breath to say, “Well, I just don’t want you to be upset today, is all.”

“You’re cool with me being upset other days, though?” Sirius teases simply just for Remus’
reaction.

He’s given an eye roll with a small smile. “Oh, shut up.”

Sirius giggles. “You’re quite funny when you do that, y’know.”

“Do what?”

“Tell me to shut up,” he says.

Remus crosses his arms and huffs. “You did it this morning!”

“Yeah,” he mocks. “That’s cause you say it.”

“I do not…” Remus chuckles in disbelief. “I say it when you say something dumb. Like
saying I go moony. That’s so silly.”

“Mm, no, you said you didn’t mind it. So I’ll keep saying it.”

“Oookay,” Remus accepts. “But—“

The painting opens, interrupting him while James and Peter step out, white box in hand. “We
got it!” They cheer, signaling him and Remus to get up.

They rush back to the common room which ends up being a tiring endeavor since it’s seven
entire flights. By the time they get through the portrait hole, Remus is walking stiffly and
keeping it to himself.

Next to the fireplace, Frank, Eric and Benjy are lounging out with Lily and her roommates
talking about Merlin knows what. Frank looks over his shoulder.

“Hey! Williams was too hard on you, I told him off a bit after you left. Happy birthday,
mate,” Frank says.

Sirius furrows his brows making his way over. “Thank you, but how’d you know?”

“Heard it through the grapevine. You four should sit, we’re having fun!”

James grimaces. “I’ve got a cake I was gonna bring up, I dunno—“

“Cake?” Lily sputters. “How’d you get that?”

“The…” James slowly squints to come up with something. “I…made it.”

Frank scoffs. “The game ended barely an hour ago, you did not make a cake. But in that case,
why don’t we just celebrate here?”

His eyes light up, Frank is just brilliant, isn’t he?

“Yeah, why not?” Sirius shrugs happily, moving around the sofa and plopping down on the
far right. There are four sofas, all different sizes. Frank and Alice are on his left, respectively.
Benjy and Eric as well as Mary and Dorcas are in their own armchairs while Lily’s by
herself.

“That’s alright with all of you, isn’t it?” Remus asks the girls.

Mary shrugs while Lily says, “Well, I don’t mind free cake. You’re sitting next to me,
though.”

“You’re so kind to me, Evans,” James jokes, placing the box down on the center table and
sitting on the far side from her.
The eleven of them—yes, eleven—spend the next hour telling stories and getting to know
each other just a bit better. They’ve been around each other for three years, but Sirius has
never talked to Alice and only had a few interactions with Mary. It’s interesting the way that
works, you can become familiar with people you don’t really know.

While laughter dies down from a particularly funny story Mary tells, Sirius realizes his wish
from last year came true. He’s certainly not alone right now surrounded by so many people.
Birthday wishes must be magical in some capacity.

James unboxes his cake, and just how the elves were able to whip this up in such a short
amount of time is mind boggling. It’s a bit larger than his cake from last year and covered in
red and white icing. On the top is written ‘Happy 14th, Sirius!’ in blue.

“I wrote that, aren’t I good?” James says, pushing the cake towards him. “Also! Candles!”

Peter pulls out two very large candles, the kind that could light up a corridor rather than a
birthday cake.

Lily and some of the others choke with laughter at how ridiculous it looks. “Those are the
birthday candles?” She cracks up. “You’re gonna punch a hole in the cake! Here.”

She points her wand at Peter, who winces and holds the candles out far in front of him in fear.
With one of the charms they learned last year, she shrinks them down to a normal size.

“…I dunno how we didn’t think of that…” James mutters, scratching the back of his neck.
“Right, well, someone light them and put ‘em in!”

“I’ve got it!” Dorcas exclaims, shuffling forward to magic up the perfect tiny flames for each
candle. Peter slowly places them down in the cake while avoiding the writing, clapping in
delight once everything is set up perfectly.

Sirius clasps his hands in his lap shyly and stares down at the dancing flames.

“Okay, make a wish, Sirius!” James says happily.

“Working on it, I swear.”

There’s a lot he wants. He wants to know his brother again, help Remus, have James keep
wanting him around forever, go home and feel safe.

Only one of these seems possible, so he blows out the candles with one thought in his mind:

I need my plan to work.

Back in their room, Sirius is given gifts. Some sweets from Peter, a new broom from James—
which his whole family paid for. It only just arrived and he pouts at Tally for being just a few
hours late. She gets a head pat anyway. James gets a big hug.
There’s nothing from Remus though. In fact, he hasn’t said much at all.

All four of them are sitting on the floor for some reason, it’s really just to chat some more. In
the middle of this, there’s the second tap at the window of the night.

He lifts his head, finding Andromeda’s owl sitting patiently with a package and letter under
its claws.

“Present from Andromeda?” Remus asks as Sirius pushes the window up.

He unwraps the twine from the bird’s feet and picks the gift up. “I think so.” He pets the owl
gently. “Don’t have anything for you, I’m sorry. Tell her I said hi,” Sirius says, despite
knowing he’s actually an owl and can’t speak. That’s alright, he seems to get the message,
cooing before spreading his large wings and flying off again.

“You can use Tally tomorrow to send something back,” James offers.

“Thanks, prolly will.”

Sirius settles back down to open the letter first. They’re looking at him expectantly, but he
doesn’t read it aloud.

Dear Sirius,

Happy birthday! I’ll keep this brief. I hope you’re doing better and enjoying yourself now
that you’re back in school. Our family isn’t big on birthdays, but I hope you are since I’m
giving you a present. This might seem silly to ask so late, did you enjoy your Christmas gift a
couple years back?

Love,

Andromeda Tonks

He smiles softly, putting the card down. Truth is, he hasn’t been able to use that strange disc
because of his lack of the special box. He hasn’t told Andromeda, it must have slipped her
mind since she lives in a muggleborn household now.

“She’s just wishing me a happy birthday,” he says.

Peter enthusiastically points down at the wrapped gift. “C’mon, open it up!”

“Yeah yeah, Peter, I’m on it.”

Sirius holds the package and begins taking the paper off, careful to not rip it too much. It’s a
short but wide box that he easily takes the lid off of.
Looking inside, he furrows his brows.

James peeks his head up to get a look. “What is that?”

“I dunno,” he muses, reaching in to feel it. “It’s like…leather, I think.”

Sirius pulls it out and it unfolds before him into a jacket of semi-matte black leather. It looks
expensive, albeit a bit large for him.

“Woah, cool jacket,” James grins. “Try it on!”

He unzips it and pulls it over his arms slowly. It’s heavy, a bit more than the uniform robes he
never wears, but it feels nice.

James whistles long and low, giggling. “You look like those cool muggles I see in the
station!”

“What, it’s good?”

“Look in the mirror, it’s awesome.”

So he does, up on his feet before the tall reflection to look at himself. Oh, Merlin, James is
right.

It’s a little big on him, but not in an unflattering way. It drapes from his shoulders and ends
just below his hips, and it looks correct. He doesn’t know what that means, but he’s turning
from side to side just to take it in.

“He’s feeling himself, you can tell,” James mutters from his spot on the floor.

“Hell yeah, I am.” Sirius turns back to them, arms spread wide. “Look at me! You can’t tell
me this isn’t the best thing I’ve ever put on. Fourteen years old and I look good.”

James jokingly whistles again while Peter does a sarcastic eye roll, but Remus is silently
looking up at him.

“Remus,” he says to catch his attention. Remus blinks. “It’s good, right?”

“You look nice.”

He’ll take that, Remus doesn’t compliment people very often. And he is definitely going to
thank Andromeda tomorrow, this might be the coolest gift he’s ever been given.

Once everything finally settles and the sun is below the horizon, Sirius finds himself in the
same spot as this morning. He’s flat on his back and staring at the ceiling, not willing to sleep
just yet. If he forgets about the lost Quidditch match, everything was perfect.
And y’know what, who cares that he let his brother win? Winning isn’t everything to Sirius,
but Regulus has always liked those things. Being right, being the best. If anything, seeing
him look the way he did when he caught the Snitch was more of a present than winning it
himself.

So screw his stupid captain, it’s his birthday, he can do whatever he wants. Well, except
sleep, apparently.

He didn’t let last night’s nightmares affect him, but that doesn’t mean they never do. He
could wake up tomorrow and feel sick to his stomach, wanting nothing more than to curl up
in bed and stay there all day. All because of her.

James’ bed is always an option, that first time wasn’t the last, and he sometimes finds himself
crawling in without asking. James never complains. Not in the moment or in the morning
afterwards. He calls it a sleepover, maybe it’s to make Sirius feel less pathetic.

He scowls, turning over onto his side in frustration. How can he have a perfect day and still
feel like this as soon as he’s alone at night? That isn’t very fair.

Sirius wonders if James ever has good days where he still feels wrong.

“Hey, Sirius?”

The voice is quiet, and he knows it’s Remus. Sirius looks over his shoulder and sits up
quickly. “What?”

Remus is tentative, he can tell. “Bad time?”

“No, no it’s fine. I’m fine, just um…trying to sleep,” he mutters. They stare at one another.
“You can come in.”

“Oh, okay.”

He climbs in, sitting cross-legged at the other side of the bed with an arm behind his back.
The other arm he uses to cast the silencing charm while Sirius scoots back to give him more
room. “What is it?” Sirius asks.

Remus keeps his eyes trained on the bed. “Well, basically, I…wanted to give you my present
earlier, but then Andromeda’s came in and I didn’t want to take away from it because it was
honestly way cooler than mine,” he blurts, pulling out a piece of paper from behind his back.

“Oh, brilliant!” Sirius exclaims, his thoughts getting pushed into the background while
Remus hands it over.

“Cause I know you really liked the first one, and I would’ve made one for your birthday last
year, but I didn’t know it was your birthday until it actually was. And so I made one now,”
Remus rambles. Sirius is busy scanning over his new crayon drawing with a toothy grin to
really pay attention to all of that.
 It’s made with a bit more skill than the first one back when they were first years, and that
feels like ages ago now. In the original, Remus was on the outside followed by Peter, then
James and Sirius. Now, he and Sirius are in the center with James and Peter on the outside as
if they were added in later.

He giggles a bit stupidly, he doesn’t know why he likes these so much. Maybe it’s the effort.

“This is awesome, I really like it!”

“Honestly?” Remus asks sincerely. “It’s still sort of stick figurey, so I didn’t know if—“

“No, it’s great. Really, I’ll hang it up under the first one,” Sirius beams, rolling out of bed and
using a sticking charm to attach the drawing right onto one of the four-poster poles. It sits
nicely below the first one that had been crumpled by him last term. He feels like an idiot for
doing that now.

Remus is at his side looking at it in comfortable silence. There’s no charm out here, they’ve
got to be quiet. “Looks good,” he whispers after a minute.

“Mm,” Sirius hums. “I ought to get you something soon.”

“You don’t have to do that, it’s just a drawing.”

“No, I’m getting you something. Shut up.”

Remus looks at him pointedly. “Who’s saying it now?”

“You deserve it,” Sirius utters, leaning into his space without noticing the way Remus
instinctively leans back. “We’re gonna wake them up if we keep talking. But thanks for the
present, it’s really nice.”

Remus smiles softly. “Yeah, you’re welcome. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks…Goodnight, Remus.”

“Night, Sirius.”

———

Chapter End Notes

This is so wolfstar heavy it wasn’t even that intentional. It’s so good for them at this
point in the year ugh. They have no idea.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed!

 Third Year: Stay a While
Chapter Summary

It’s easier like this.

Chapter Notes

Words: 5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 10, 1973

“This is what wizard clothing shops are like?”

“Erm…sort of.”

Lily slowly turns in a circle, taking in the scene. The shop is bigger on the inside, which
reminds her of the Doctor Who show her dad likes. The very outdated style of clothing floats
and rotates around like they’re on a self-moving rack. Everything is all robes and the
occasional striped jumper, like one of the kinds Remus wears.

Alice is at her side, scanning through the clothes like it’s a regular shopping trip. Lily was
under the assumption that she could buy some new shirts since she’s starting to outgrow hers.
But this isn’t exactly her style.

Hogsmeade is surprisingly not that interesting, she thought there would be more for how
much talk there is. There’s a candy shop, a joke shop, this clothing store, a couple pubs she
can’t go to, and a tea shop. Great, that’s really worth her time.

“See anything you like?” She asks Alice mindlessly.

Alice holds up a pink and purple jumper over her chest. “Does this compliment my hair or
am I making it up?”

“No, that’s actually a nice one. This store isn’t really to my taste, though,” Lily says. “I
thought Hogsmeade would have more in it.”
“Yeah,” she sighs, letting the jumper fly back into position despite how she liked it. “Maybe
we can grab tea?”

“Yes, a spot of tea, I feel so posh.”

Alice giggles and they begin to head out, the bell above the door doing a little jingle. A sharp
breeze blows into her face, making her shiver and pull her gloves on. Cold season has come
quite early this year. There’s no snow yet, but a thin layer of frost delicately covers the grass
like icing.

They’re about seven steps out the door when—

“Evans!”

Lily groans. “Oh, god, can I get one day?”

“We could just keep walking…” Alice suggests, and as much as Lily would like to, she
knows that won’t work.

“No, he’s gonna follow us, just one second.”

She turns to find Potter in a knee length jacket and foggy glasses skidding up to her, entirely
alone. There’s a giddy expression on his face as he stops to speak up again.

“Hey, could I follow you around for a bit?” He prods, shifting on the balls of his feet.

Lily knits her brows and frowns. “Uh, no. We’re alright.”

He pouts. “Aw, c’mon, why not? Alice, you don’t mind?”

“We’re going to a tea shop…” She says with a tight smile. “No thanks.”

“Yeah,” Lily continues. “And where are your friends anyway? Why are you alone?”

Potter waves her off. “Oh, Peter’s in Zonko’s for things I can’t talk about yet, there’s a crazy
mother and the moon’s up in the sky, you know what they say about the moon in the sky.”

He’s rambling and it’s really stupid, so Lily just raises her brows and nods while Alice looks
entirely confused.

“What the hell did you just say?” Alice says, and it makes her chuckle.

She knows what it means, she forgot tonight is a full moon. In fact, the sun is going to start
setting soon. The crazy mother must be for Sirius, but she doesn’t know what the hell that
means either. The permission slip? Oh, whatever, she doesn’t really care.

“Doesn’t matter,” James simply replies. “Where are your friends? Gonna ask me, I’m gonna
ask you.”

“Uh…” Lily hums. “I’m with Alice, she’s my friend.”

James scoffs lightly. “Well, I know that. I mean the others! Mary, Dorcas, Marlene, whoever
else…y’know. The girls.”

Just hearing Mary’s name forms a pit in her stomach, the girl has been not-so-subtly avoiding
her the past few weeks. She has no idea what to do about it, and the only idea she does have
is to talk to her. Only, Mary doesn’t let her. There’s no opportunity to talk to her alone
because she’s constantly with Dorcas now.

Lily might have taken it too far, and maybe Mary’s having the appropriate sort of reaction for
this. She doesn’t think she imagined Mary kissing her first, but it’s starting to feel as if that
was the case. She doesn’t know what she wants from Mary, but she’d at the very least like to
stay friends.

“Dunno,” she replies to Potter. “They’re not here. Why don’t you go hang out with Frank,
Peter, or literally anyone else? What’s the point in nagging me?”

James chuckles awkwardly, fiddling with his jacket sleeve. “It’s fun! And I’ve got no clue
where Frank is, honestly I thought he’d be with you, Alice.”

This makes Alice go pink in the face, something Lily doesn’t think she’s ever seen before.
“What, why?” She chuckles stiffly.

“Cause, he’s—oh, Frank!” Potter interrupts himself to call out past them and wave a hand up
high. Lily turns to see him with Eric coming over to join them. However, past them, leaning
against one of the shops and partially casted in shadow is Severus.

His arms are crossed and his face is stern, but once he realizes she’s looking at him he
relaxes.

Lily leans into Alice’s space, telling her quietly, “I’ll be right back.” Perhaps Alice saw
Severus too since she gives her a thin smile and nods.

With that, she manages to trail out of the group and lightly jog over to him. Severus smiles
once she’s made it over.

She’s been gradually finding less time to fit him in her life, everything’s getting so busy. With
all of her classes, friends she has to keep track of, and current issues with Mary, she’s been
strung out a bit thin. That’s not something she would ever tell Sev, though. Amidst all of the
changes in her life, he’s been a constant. Her first real friend. They’re not getting rid of each
other that easily.

“Hey,” she says, shivering as a sharp gust of cold air pushes past her. “What are you doing
alone?”

“I told my roommates I didn’t want to hang out with them today,” Severus admits.

Lily blinks, taken aback. “Really?”

With that whole fiasco of him refusing to not speak to them, if it was that easy, why didn’t he
do it the whole time? Maybe he only just got the courage to do it.
“Yes, they’re elsewhere. I was passing by and saw you talking to Potter of all people.”

“Oh,” Lily laughs. “Please, he came up to Alice and I and wanted to follow us around, he’s a
bother. I told him no, if you were wondering.”

“I was,” Severus says with an eyebrow raise. “He does that a lot, doesn’t he? Come up to
bother you specifically.”

She shrugs. “Yeah, but he annoys everyone that isn’t in his friend group. You understand. But
no more Potter talk, how are you?”

“Definitely bored. I’ve missed my actual friend.”

For some reason that makes Lily feel sheepish. “Aw, I’ve missed you too! Find me some
more, I’m not usually in the tower anyway.”

She’s just given a look. “Well, you’re always with your other friends, I never have the
opportunity exactly. Remember what I said?” He questions.

Oh, yes she does. That conversation is on her mind more than it should be.

You’ve got all these other people on your mind, what am I? Unimportant.

“Sev, I don’t want to argue,” she says softly. “I’m here now, why don’t we go do something?”

“…Yeah, you’re right,” Severus mutters, pushing off the wall and walking off beside her.
“How are you liking Hogsmeade?”

Lily pretty much tells him what she told Alice before and he understands it. It’s not much fun
without someone else, and even now, they’re just walking on the outskirts of the little town
into the forest. The leaves are wet under her boots and they’re starting to go off trail.

“What are we going this way for?” Lily asks, looking back at the trees behind her. Hopefully
they don’t get lost.

“To see the shack, I’ve never been.”

She frowns. “The shack?”

Severus looks at her like she’s silly. “Yeah, the shrieking shack. It’s this way. You’ve heard of
it, haven’t you?”

Oh, the shrieking shack. A while back, Remus accidentally spilled that it was where he
transforms on the full moons. There were whispers of the name beforehand, but she never
really understood it. What was so interesting concerning a haunted house when there are
ghosts floating about the castle? Now knowing it’s purpose, it’s even less exciting and more
dreadful to think about.

Apparently, Lily takes too long to respond, so he starts explaining it anyway.

“Basically, it’s this creepy house that people in Hogsmeade say they can hear loud noises
from, but no one knows what it is,” Sev goes on while they walk. “I think it might just be a
rumor to scare the students, but I still want to see it for myself, y’know?”

She can’t help but suddenly feel sick to her stomach, trying her hardest to not show it on her
face. Lily knows what they say, but the fact that it’s treated like a spooky tourist attraction is
quite nauseating, really. Does Remus know about that?

The sun is moving below the horizon and makes the sky blush. Lily stops in her tracks.

Oh, shit. Remus must be in there right now.

“I think we should do it next trip, actually!” She exclaims, picking up the pace to be at
Severus’ side again. “It’s getting late, I don’t think we should be out in the forest alone. We
could miss the train back.”

Severus glances up at the sky that’s turning purple and starting to be littered with faint stars.
After a few moments of contemplation, he hums. Lily hopes that means ‘yes, Lily, I agree,
let’s go elsewhere’.

“It’ll just be a minute, then we can head back.”

He’s ever so stubborn and keeps going, making Lily jog to catch up. “I think I want to go
back, though! Won’t you come with me?”

He shoots a scrutinizing glance. “We’re practically there, what’s the big deal? Nothing’s
gonna get you out here, it’s safe. I promise that, don’t you trust me?”

“Yeah, obviously, I just really think it’s too late and we should head back. I’ll be going,
you’re welcome to join me!”

Severus watches her pace back for an agonizingly long moment. “Are you trying to get away
from me?”

Lily stops. “No, of course not!” She assures, watching the sky darken. “But, I just—“

“Then why won’t you do one thing with me? It’ll be quick, I just wanted to see it.”

“I get that, it’s just…” Lily pulls a lie out of thin air. “I mean, if it’s really haunted, I don’t
think it’s a good idea to be going.”

He cocks his head. “Are you scared?”

Trying not to grit her teeth, Lily says, “…Yes.”

She’s not scared, there are few times in her life she’s been frightened by something. And one
was attempted murder. But by god, if this makes him step away, then so be it. For Remus’
sake.

After a long silence, Severus sighs. “Alright, we can—“

It’s faint, but there’s noise coming from the direction they were headed in. Like loud shrill
shrieks of pain that make her heart stutter and give her gooseflesh.

But Severus has a grin that slowly curls onto his features the more the noises continue.
“Woah, there really is something in there…C’mon, Lily, I just want a closer look.”

Her expression of horror must not be well hidden because Sev’s smile drops. “What’s
wrong?”

She shakes her head quickly with a frown, taking a few steps back. “No, I don’t like it. I—I
want to go back. Please, Sev, I don’t wanna hear it.”

“…Yeah, okay fine. I suppose it’s not really something you’d be into. Don’t you think it’s
interesting though?”

He doesn’t get it, of course he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t make Lily feel less sick. That’s Remus
in there, that’s her friend in pain and there’s nothing she can do about it. He has to do that
every month? How does he even carry on after?

As they get further from the house, the noises become more muted before being replaced by
the wind. It relaxes her, but only slightly.

She knew Werewolves felt pain when they transformed, that seemed only natural given how
the body changes. Not pain like that though. Lily didn’t know Remus could be that loud. He’s
normally quite soft spoken, it’s disturbing.

She tries to keep up light conversation on the way back so Severus won’t be suspicious, but
she can’t stop thinking about it. Agony like that must send him straight to the Hospital Wing
once the sun rises. Perhaps she’ll go visit him.

“I’ll see you back at school, okay?” Lily says once they’re back at the train. “I’m sorry we
couldn’t see the shack, we can do whatever you want next time we hang out to make up for
it.”

Severus half shrugs. “It’s okay, I really did just want to spend some time, which I did. I’ll
hold you to that, though.”

“Sure,” she chuckles, boarding the train. “And I’ll hold you holding me to it.”

They part ways, Sev heading off to another section of the train while she tries to find a place
of her own. It doesn’t take her long to spot a head of curly hair beside a braided one. Lily’s
about to walk by, only she freezes. Something’s wrong.

Dorcas has an arm around Mary’s shoulders, who’s leaning into the former with her face
sullen. Dorcas looks like she’s saying something to her, but Lily can’t make it out.

Mary doesn’t look physically hurt, but there’s this fierce protective feeling that overtakes her
and pushes her to slide the door open without asking first. The two of them glance up at her
as she enters.
“Mary,” she says with concern. “What happened?”

For a long moment, Mary doesn’t say anything, maybe adamant on ignoring her. But
eventually, her eyebrows lower and her mouth forms a deep frown.

“They wouldn’t leave me alone, those stupid Slytherins,” she grumbles, letting Dorcas
soothingly run her shoulder. “Separated us then chased me around calling me…well I’m sure
you get it.”

Lily drops into the booth seat across from her in shock. “What?!” She bursts. “Why did no
one do anything?”

Mary doesn’t look at her. “They chased me away from the village, that’s why.”

“Who was it?”

“…Mulciber, Avery, another boy, and these two girls…I think one’s name was Aurora. I
don’t know them. But they knew me,” Mary says quietly.

“I tried to find her, but they took her far out, I didn’t know what happened,” Dorcas adds.
“We were in a shop, I turned and she just disappeared. Asked around…heard vague things
but no one really knew anything. So I kept looking.”

Lily’s stunned into silence. She’s upset, but there’s an anger underneath it all. It’s been
stoking for the past three years, and she has this feeling deep down that it’ll continue to grow.
Within her there is hatred for those people, and that’s something she didn’t know she could
have.

“I’m sorry, that’s horrifying,” she utters, unsure if she can hug Mary or not. “How did you get
rid of them?”

“Well, I just had to keep going, didn’t I? I don’t know many spells to defend myself, and even
if I did, that would make me look bad. All they were doing was running after me.”

Dorcas shakes her head like she’s thinking to herself. “I should’ve been there.”

Mary pulls away from her. “What could you have done? And you’d get in trouble.”

“Believe me, I could’ve done plenty,” she scowls. “They would have deserved it, I don’t care
about getting in trouble if it would’ve helped you.”

Lily hums in agreement, but wonders what Dorcas could possibly have up her sleeve to have
‘done plenty’ with.

“No point in dwelling on that, though,” Mary laments. She leans her temple against the
window. “It’s…it’s in the past.”

Distantly, she remembers her and Mary’s conversation from last year where she admitted she
just deals with letting people do whatever they want, because what could she even do? It
seems very apparent now that Mary will let people walk over her because she feels
powerless. Lily doesn’t want her to feel like a doormat, but she can’t think of ways to help
other than to punch Mulciber in the jaw.

God, she really wants to do that someday.

It’s a very short train ride, so they’re back before she knows it. Up in their dorms she looks
out the window for the full moon, wondering if Remus is okay. Okay might not be the best
word for it, but she hated hearing him like that.

When Alice found out what happened to Mary, it made it so all four of them are in a mood
and quite solemn. Lily wraps up into bed in the quiet room and turns to her side, hoping for a
decent night of rest. There’s too much on her mind for her to sleep, though. She lays fully
awake, mindlessly picking out this loose thread from her pillowcase. After about twenty
minutes of this, the curtains on her bed are drawn slightly.

Lily lifts her head and finds Mary there in her nightgown. They stare at each other for a
drawn out moment before she sits up with hesitance. They haven’t spoken alone since…

“You can come in,” she whispers, moving to give her room.

Mary slowly climbs in and stares down at the blanket below her. Neither put on any charms,
so every word is hushed and something they have to strain their ears to hear.

“I don’t really know what to say,” Mary breathes. “I just…I missed you. So I came over.”

Neither say that it’s her fault they haven’t spoken. In fact, they don’t bring up the fact that
they haven’t spoken at all. Maybe it’s the source, maybe it’s the timing, maybe it’s just not
appropriate.

Lily stares. “That’s okay. We don’t need to talk about anything.”

“Oh, but…we do, don’t we?”

Her pulse moves up into her throat, but she swallows it down with grace. “No. Today was
awful for you, it’s not the right time,” she says.

“Maybe not…” Mary whispers, rubbing her tired eyes. “But I’m…honestly, I’m scared.”

“Of the Slytherins?”

“Of everything,” she corrects. “I’ve got all these thoughts about all of these things and I don’t
know what to do with them. I can’t explain it, either.” Mary scrunches her brows up and
frowns. “Does that make any sense?”

She nods. “I get what you mean. I’m also trying to sort these things out. It’s not easy. But I
wish they didn’t treat you so poorly today, or ever. You don’t deserve it.”

Lily reaches out to hug Mary, but she slightly leans back, a nervous look on her face. “It’s
just a hug, nothing more,” Lily assures.
Mary searches her for a second before letting herself be embraced. It’s soft and warm, and
Mary doesn’t hold her back immediately, but that’s okay. Lily would stay here even if she
didn’t.

Suddenly, her back is being squeezed tightly and Mary tucks her face into the crook of Lily’s
neck. She breathes slowly and heavily. Like this, there’s a good chance Mary can feel her fast
pulse because Lily can feel hers as her thumb rests right on the jugular. It’s far from faint.

They sit like that for a while, quiet and in a moment of peace with one another.

Without pulling back, Mary whispers close to her ear, “Can I stay for a bit?”

Lily nods into the side of her head. “Stay as long as you’d like.”

She lets go and leans back, giving Mary the opportunity to leave if she wants. Nothing of the
sort happens. Instead, Mary lies down beside her and is quick to curl herself into Lily’s chest.
Tentatively, she wraps an arm over her shoulder. It’s far from the first time they’ve slept in
the same bed, but it feels different. It is.

“This is fine?” She asks quietly.

“Mhm.”

Her arm moves up and down Mary’s back and somehow it tires her out. The hundreds of
thoughts poking in her mind rest, instead flowing through her mind like water. It’s easier like
this.

———

“Mum, how much longer can I do this?”

Remus is back in the hospital, and he knows already. It’s not like the other times where
there’s a heart monitor beeping at a steady pace. In fact, there isn’t even a flatline. It’s just
silent. Maybe fuzzy.

His eyes are open and they watch Hope shrouded in that familiar white beam of light. He still
can’t see her. The features on her face aren’t even outlined anymore. His mother has become
nothing more than a warm shape and form that holds him in his dreams.

Seventy days. He’s had the same dream for seventy whole days. At first, they played along
with it together. The heart monitor never went flat, and Remus woke up the next morning
feeling like he spent all of it with her. After the first month, she started to call out what was
wrong. Like the beeping, since it isn’t there anymore and never will be again.

After the second month, they stopped pretending. Hope Lupin is dead and there’s nothing he
can do.
And yet, the dreams continue.

“As long as you’d like,” a voice murmurs. It doesn’t sound like her, it doesn’t sound like
anything at all.

He breathes slowly. “I think I hurt myself last night. I feel it in my chest. But maybe it’s…”
Remus looks at the form. “I dunno.”

Early on, he might have asked her to help with that. But what is she going to do about it?
Realistically, Remus has to lay on this thin hospital bed with a dull aching feeling until he
wakes up on another hospital bed with a greater ache in his chest.

She doesn’t say anything, and Remus stares at her blankly.

“Couldn’t you at least try and act like her? My mum would say something like ‘I’ll get you
fixed up, baby, don’t you worry’,” he states. “Then she’d get up and get me some potions my
dad brewed. And they’re not very good, but she would be at my side. It would be…perfect.”

After two agonizingly long minutes of silence, she says, “Do you want me to say that to
you?”

Remus scowls. “Well, no, not anymore. I’ve told you to say it, there’s no point.”

“So why ask?”

“Because I want my mum.”

“Okay,” the voice lilts. “Tell me a story. One about your friends.”

His heart hammers in his aching chest and Remus moves further from the form on the small
bed. With a quivering lip, Remus looks away from it.

“I don’t want you to say that,” he whispers. “There’s nothing to tell anymore. I ran out of
stories.”

“You’ve lived since then.”

He can’t look at it. He can’t.

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“Don’t cry, baby.”

Remus chokes. “Stop it, stop acting like her!”

“I’m not acting, I am her,” it says. “Tell me something about Sirius, or maybe James. Tell me
the awful stories though, all your stories were too happy for someone so sad.”

A tear slips down his face and turns away from it. “The stories are good, even when things
were sad, it always got better.”
“Is this going to get better?”

“…No.”

“Then tell me a sad story.”

Remus curls into a ball and sobs into his arms, unable to get words out. All he can think is my
mum is dead, my mum is dead, my mum is dead.

A hand ghosts along his back and he cries out, flinching off the hospital bed in fear. He never
hits the ground.

Instead he opens his eyes with a gasp, greeted first by the harsh tear in his chest, greeted
second by a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder. Remus squeezes his eyes back shut,
clutching his middle and groaning.

“Careful,” someone says softly.

Remus glances to his right, and there’s Sirius shrouded in a glow of morning light from the
window. It’s not like the hospital, though, he can pick apart every feature on his face quite
closely. Breathing heavily, he stares up at Sirius’ face haloed with concern.

“Nightmare and a bad moon, that’s one hell of a combo,” Sirius jokes in an attempt to lighten
the already sour mood, but his face gives away his worry. “Pomfrey’s getting you more
potions from Slughorn, but you started doing the thing I do when I’m having a rough night.
So…hope you don’t mind being woken up.”

He might have forgotten to speak, whether from the pain, the dream, or that Sirius is here so
early, he doesn’t know.

Sirius frowns. “Did you mind?”

Remus shakes his head quickly, tearing his eyes from Sirius’ face. “No, I’m glad you did. I
was…yeah. Nightmare, I think. Not really sure what it was,” he mutters. The talking makes
him wince and he glances down at his chest. It’s wrapped in bandages, but bleeding through.
“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah…it’s pretty bad.”

“Mm, thanks, Sirius,” Remus grumbles, pushing himself onto an elbow. “I think I’m
normally asleep for this part, though.”

A look of guilt washes over Sirius. “Sorry. I would’ve just let you sleep, but you looked
frightened. Also, I thought the moving around could make the wound worse.”

“Might’ve done,” he strains, trying not to give in and press down on his dressings. “That’s
alright, she’ll get me something for it. How was Hogsmeade?”

“I didn’t go, remember?”

“I know. James and Peter went, though,” Remus recalls. “How was it for them?”

Sirius shrugs nonchalantly. “They said it was fun— oh, they got some fun stuff from Zonko’s
we can use! Like a whole big chest of it, James used that big envelope of galleons he got for
it. Were you there for that?” He rambles on.

“Mhm, felt bad for Tally. Must’ve been heavy.”

“Yeah…well! They got a whole load of stuff. Today’s the second day, and I fear we’ll run out
of room if they get more.”

Remus chuckles quietly. “Ask them for more Honeydukes stuff. I could use it.”

The doors burst open and in comes Madam Pomfrey with a basket of glass bottles clinking
together. She hurries to his end of the Hospital Wing, nearly jumping when she notices he’s
up and talking.

“Oh! Why are you awake so soon?” She worries, setting her basket down. “No matter, drink
up now that you are.”

Pomfrey hands him a potion he can’t identify and he lightly sips on it. He scrunches his nose
up, it doesn’t taste very good. Oh, well.

“You didn’t wake from pain, did you?” Pomfrey asks. She pulls out fresh bandages to pull
over his gash.

“No, just a bad dream.”

She makes a noise of sympathy for him. “Oh, poor boy. Never over for you is it?”

It’s just an offhand comment she makes while stressing herself sick about his wounds, but
Remus’ face goes hot in embarrassment. Especially with Sirius in the room, who’s moved a
couple feet from the bed to give her room to work.

While Pomfrey’s busy, she and Sirius do a little chatting as Remus lays in silence. He’s
getting tired, but sleeping after that dream isn’t ideal. It waits for him in the back of his mind
and Remus doesn’t plan on meeting it willingly.

Soon enough, Pomfrey finishes up and leaves him and Sirius to their own devices. The day is
still new, but there’s a very good chance he’ll be in here for all of it. Sirius doesn’t seem to
mind as he makes light conversation with him for the next hour. Speaking with him is like a
brain break, he doesn’t have to think so much. It’s easier like this.

At one point, the Wing’s doors open again, but Madam Pomfrey hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s
Lily.

Remus pulls his blanket up over his chest and sits up on an elbow again. “Lily?” He starts.
“How’d you know I was in here?”
She shrugs, scanning him over. “Lucky guess. I thought since you’re missing in action after
the moon you ought to be somewhere.”

“How come you’re not at Hogsmeade today, Evans?” Sirius questions, giving her a look.

“I didn’t want to go. Is that a crime?”

“…Spose not…”

Lily glances between the two of them before moving in closer. “How are you, Remus?”

He gestures to his plethora of potions on the side table with a smile. “Fantastic. I’m glad you
asked.”

“Oh, come off it, don’t go all sarcastic on me,” Lily jokes while digging in a bag at her side.
“I’m glad you’re well enough to do it though. Here, I got this yesterday. Thought you might
want it.”

She holds out a chocolate bar, like the kind he and James have a weird bond about. Remus
grabs hold of it with a shy smile.

“Thank you, Lily, that’s really nice,” he says sweetly, holding it in his lap.

“Of course!” She stands upright and glances to her left. “What’s with the face, Black?”

Sirius uncrosses his arms and becomes stiff. “Face? I’m not making a face. I was thinking
about…my life.”

“Your life?” Lily chuckles, amused by him for some reason. “Okay, well I just wanted to stop
by and see if you were alright. I hope you recover quickly, see you, Remus!”

Once they’re alone again—or mostly alone, Pomfrey still exists—Sirius purses his lips and
recrosses his arms.

Remus unwraps the chocolate and takes a quick bite, watching whatever’s going through
Sirius’ head. “What’s the matter? Jealous you didn’t get candy?” He teases.

“Yeah, but I’m not gonna take it from you or anything.”

“Mm,” he hums around a big bite. “I’ve got a Chocolate Frog in our room, if you want.”

Sirius gets a bit dopey about that. “Oh…really?”

“Yeah. If you stay until I’m good to go.”

“Done,” Sirius blurts. “Done deal, I was gonna do it anyway. I’m holding you to that now.”

Remus beams, chest feeling like a weight but not because of the wound in it, surprisingly
enough. He glances away with a face on fire and takes a nice chunk out of his chocolate bar.
“Perfect.”
 ———

Chapter End Notes

I love this chapter so much everyone’s got stuff going on. James and his silly crush on
Lily but she literally has no idea cause all she’s thinking about is Mary. Them two have
an interesting dynamic that really changes from here, so I can’t wait for you to see that :)

Then onto Remus’ pov, this is probably top 5 of my favorite sections in the whole fic idk
why. Somehow I’ve managed to deal with his grief and growing crush at the same exact
time, and both of them stay oblivious. 10/10

Hope you enjoyed!

 Third Year: See Evil, Speak Evil
Chapter Summary

When an animal is backed into a corner, it’s most likely to strike.

Chapter Notes

CW at the end note!

Words: 4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 24, 1973

Spread out on the table are a wide variety of news articles from the past few months along
with many handwritten slips of paper. The library is empty enough for them to work without
feeling the need to be overly hushed.

Regulus holds a handful of written visions while Pandora sorts through Daily Prophet issues.
They work in silence until they find a possible connection.

So far, the most substantial thing they have is her constant dreams of green lights. It didn’t
take long to see just how much green fills the news lately. It swirls above broken homes with
the snake-skull curling and winding into itself. It’s alluringly beautiful to him, the fear it
begins to spark and just how simple it is. A mark of death.

Pandora seems none the wiser to his fascination as she hums, turning through the pages.

To his dismay, there has been absolutely nothing alluding to his favorite vision of hers.

Fingertips bitten by frost. The blackened reflection shimmers with thousands of them all lost
to the same darkness, as will another.
Nothing. Perhaps he’s being too impatient, most good things come with time. Regulus has it
memorized from reading it over so often. It shouldn’t be his favorite, it’s short and lacking
any sort of substance for him to work with. This could be why he’s so intrigued by it, though,
it’s so unlike every other vision she’s had. It doesn’t align with any recent occurrences, it
doesn’t make any sense. It’s foreboding in a way.

“I think I’ve found another,” Pandora says, folding the paper up and setting it down on the
table.

Regulus glances up. “What day was the dream?”

“I believe it was the fourth of September. If not, it’s just around there.”

He sorts through the small slips of paper until he goes all the way back to September. “The
largest are uncovered,” he recites. “Unexplainable panic. Hatred divides.”

Pandora nods, turning the paper around to face him. It hasn’t made a cover story, like they’re
trying to wash over any possibility of alarm. However, the title reads:

Giants Found Near Wizard Civilization

“I don’t think it’s been completely fulfilled yet,” she comments quietly as he skims the
paragraphs below. “But we already had a feeling the largest were the Giants. Makes sense,
doesn’t it?”

Regulus takes a deep breath, nodding and putting the written vision down next to the article.
Meanwhile, Pandora rips the page out.

“That’s a good find,” he says. “I’m glad you aren’t just reading the cover stories. They’re
filled with garbage made for people to gasp in awe, the more feeble-minded. You aren’t one
of those people.”

She smiles at him, raising her brows in amusement. “Highest praise a person could get from
you, it feels. I thought that was sort of interesting about you. You care about the mind and
nothing else.”

“What else is there to care about?” Regulus mutters, reading through a vision from October.
“There’s only one thing that matters in the end, one thing that gets you where you need to be.
My idiot brother is going to end up with nothing at the rate he’s going. My parents always
had pride in calculation and cunning, and he’s refused to do anything of the sort since he got
here.”

He doesn’t often bring up Sirius in front of Pandora, but it felt appropriate. He sees the way
Sirius acts in the Great Hall and in the corridors, he’s lost his head. A great, bumbling idiot
who must have thought he was doing the brave, noble, Gryffindor thing to let him win that
Quidditch game. It did not make him feel any kind of gratitude, he only felt anger at the
absolute entitlement.

As if launching a Bludger at him would have done anything. Regulus is better than him, he’s
clever, he’s faster, and everything Sirius should have been. With the way Sirius was raised, he
should have taken that Heir title like a badge of honor. Instead, he drenched it in blood wine
and refused to comply.

Pandora looks at him for a long moment. “Clever people are the ones to look for danger, you
know,” she voices, a layered look in her eyes. “Calculation is good, yeah, but there’s more to
fate than that. When we met, I wasn’t Seeing so frequently, but recently I’ve been realizing
that the world isn’t so simple.”

“I never said it was simple, don’t try and call me daft.”

“I didn’t, Regulus.”

“Maybe, but I know the world is far from simple, I’ve been very aware since I was seven
years old,” he argues, temper boiling. “You may be gifted, but so am I.”

She doesn’t look upset by his words, and that’s what he enjoys about her. She doesn’t take
things to heart, even with optimism that’s started to crack and crumble.

“That’s quite specific,” is all she says.

“What is?”

“Seven years old.”

Regulus’ tongue seems to swell in his throat. He glances down. “Yes. Sometimes you have to
learn the hard way,” he mutters, pulling his mind off the foggy memories of that day. He can’t
remember exactly what happened, but there was something there. “And you?”

Pandora anxiously pulls at a platinum loc. “I had my first vision when I was nine.”

“Only three years ago?”

She nods. “I believe so, it was different than a dream. There were no pictures, it’s all—“

“Concepts, yeah,” he finishes. “You told me.”

“Exactly. So I just knew. But they weren’t common, only every few months. Now it’s more
like once a week.” Pandora shudders. “I really hope it doesn’t become more frequent, I don’t
know how to cope, I don’t…have anyone.”

Regulus blinks, her overly personal words biting at his skin. He goes quiet, picking up the
slips of paper. “I think we should keep going.”

“…Alright.”
They finish that session later in the day, where the sun threatens to slip into the horizon.
Regulus gathered every paper into a bag and now makes his way into the cold Slytherin
common room.

The lake outside the windows hasn’t frozen yet, but it’s cold to the touch and no candles or
fireplace can change that. When he’s naturally cold to the touch, this kind of atmosphere
keeps him shivering.

He ignores the others in the dorm as he enters and starts putting the pairs of newspapers and
visions in piles in his chest. There are snickers on the other side coming distinctly from
Rosier and Crouch, Carrow isn’t here. Regulus pays them no mind.

“Becoming a newsboy or something?” Crouch teases, voice drawing closer.

Regulus looks up at him, who’s now right at his side. “Back off if you know what’s good for
you,” he grumbles, putting the last of the visions away.

“Oi, defensive are we? You should really lighten up one day, get that permanent scowl off
your face.”

Somehow, quicker than he can register it, Crouch darts a hand into his chest and pulls out one
of the visions. Regulus is up on his feet.

“What is this, poetry? ” He giggles, avoiding Regulus by running to the other side of the
room. “Blinding lights and crumbled streets—“

Regulus rips out his wand. “ Locomotor Mortis!” He casts, and Barty Crouch tumbles to the
ground still cackling.

“Relax, Black, it’s just a piece of paper!” Evan laughs.

He gets to the ground, tears the paper out of Crouch’s grasp and mutters, “Do you want to
make an enemy of me?”

Crouch just smiles at him. “All this for your sissy boy poetry?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Regulus fumes. “And you have no right to call
me ‘ sissy boy’ , who’s the one crying at night because his daddy’s mean to him?”

That shuts him up fast. Crouch’s smile drops and is replaced with a look of contempt.

“Bad spell casting for a boy who thinks he’s such a genius,” he continues, voice low. “Don’t
try that again.”

As he walks back to lock his chest with a stronger charm, Evan roughly turns him by the
shoulder. Regulus flinches out of his touch.
“Do you want to be next?!” He threatens angrily. He’s losing his temper and his composure,
like a band pulled out too far ready to snap.

“No, I’m telling you that you are an asshole , Regulus.” Rosier points a finger near his chest.
“I thought it could’ve been an act because of your stupid prissy family, because mine is just
like yours, but it’s not! You’re mean.”

Regulus gives him a scrutinizing once over. “And you aren’t? Which one of us pushes the
Mudbloods around here for attention?”

He scoffs. “That’s not even close to what I’m talking about, you’re changing the subject.”

“Am I? I won’t deny what I am, but you hesitate over every little thing you do, looking to
everyone else for the answers. You think I haven’t noticed?” He badgers on, pushing closer.
“You begged to be my friend for months, practically groveling at my feet. We are nothing
alike, our families are not the same. We would never stoop so low.”

“Mind your business for once, why don’t you? You hate us but you watch and pick apart
every little detail you can find, and it’s weird!” Evan shouts. “I watched your brother at the
wedding—“

“My brother’s a moron.”

“And—“

“Look who’s changing the subject now?”

“Oh, piss off, Black! Your family is so above it all and yet the Heir had a public meltdown,”
he starts to ramble, pushing closer to Regulus who’s quite ready to snap. “I can’t imagine it
would take much for you to grovel at someone’s feet either. Calling out Barty for nightmares,
do you think you’re so above that? I’ve heard you, you hypocritical bastard—!”

It’s a filthy muggle thing for him to do, but Regulus doesn’t think. For once, he forgets to.

His fist meets Evan’s face, right in the hollow of his cheek with a crack. He stumbles to the
ground, clutching his face and groaning. He’s never physically hurt someone—or anything—
like this, and his knuckles throb, shaking at his side.

“What the hell?!” Barty yells, the curse on his legs finally wearing off. He scrambles to his
feet, but Regulus can’t even look at him.

His eyes train on Rosier and his brain turns to cotton, blurring his eyes and ears. Every noise
is underwater, sloshing around his skull, making him sway.

He blinks and falls to his knees, but he doesn’t land in the bedroom, he’s somewhere else.

There’s a ringing somewhere. Maybe it’s his head.

He’s alone, is all he can figure out. There’s wet stone beneath his trembling bruised hand.
Regulus breathes heavily like he’s been running.
Everything is dark.

The water at his knees uncomfortably soaks through his dress pants. He quickly pushes
himself to his feet. Regulus pulls out his wand with his untainted hand and lights it to look
around.

The walls are rocky and jagged, and the ceiling curves up above him. There are black metal
candle holders missing the wax sticks on the walls. Below him is a thin layer of water.

Regulus is in a cave.

“What—?” He whispers, head spinning. Not even a minute ago he was in his room. Rosier
was on the ground. Crouch was yelling at him.

He can’t apparate yet, and even if he could, it is not possible at Hogwarts. Something
happened.

There wasn’t enough time for his hand to bruise, how is it that it’s already maroon?

He can’t tear his eyes from his aching knuckles, he hurt somebody. Evan really sounded like
he was hurt, and it was his fault. Only…that isn’t entirely why he feels so sick.

He was just angry, he didn’t mean to get that way, but Orion and Walburga won’t be pleased
at all. If Rosier rats him out to his parents, they’ll tell his. Regulus cannot get punished, he
will not be treated like Sirius.

“Hello, boy? Who are you over there?”

It’s the ever familiar voice of Professor Slughorn, but Regulus instinctively whips around to
face him, nearly pointing his wand at him.

Once Slughorn sees his face, his own lights up. “Ah! Mr. Black. I must say, this is an odd
place to find you. How did you get over here?”

“I…don’t know, sir.”

“I believe that’s the first time I’ve heard those words from you,” he chuckles, eyes drifting.
“What’s happened to your hand, now?”

Regulus pulls it behind his back, stepping away. “Nothing. Why are we in a cave?”

“Ah, well this is my way of travel, you see!” Slughorn stretches his arms out as if this is
something to be impressed by. It’s cold, dark, and damp in here, just like most of the
dungeons. “It’s how I get to my office. What way did you come in?”

He wrinkles his nose at the water seeping through his shoes into his socks. There isn’t much
he can say without sounding insane. He punched Evan Rosier in the face and apparated in the
middle of Hogwarts. He’s lightheaded and may have lost hours within the time it took to
blink. His hand is bruised and his pants are clinging to his knees and calves. He feels like
Sirius.
“I don’t know.”

Slughorn seems to study him for a minute. “Are you alright, my boy?”

“I’m fine.”

“…Come with me, I’ve wanted to discuss certain matters with you anyhow.”

Regulus hesitates, but he follows.

———

Dorcas drops her bag next to her seat, pulling out a notebook and quill with ink. The room
setup is a bit strange, there’s one student desk placed before the chalkboard and the raised
platform Lazarus Ainsworth’s own lectern sits upon. There is about a five meter radius of
empty space around her. The outskirts of the room are occupied by the other student desks.
Overall, she looks isolated and rather small like this.

She kicks her feet in anticipation. He said he knew she could do more, and if there’s anything
Dorcas wants, it’s more. She wants more, and if he’ll give it to her she’ll take it with open
arms.

Ainsworth trails in through his office door, a smile spreading on his face once he sees her.
“You’re a few minutes early, Dorcas,’ he says casually. He gets up next to his desk and pulls
his jacket off.

“Yeah, sorry,” she shrugs. “I didn’t have anything else to do today, and I have been waiting a
month, to be fair.”

“That is fair. Well, I see you have everything ready, might as well get started now!” He taps
the board with his wand and the chalk begins to write on its own. From the first day, Dorcas
has always found that trick really neat. It’s as if it’s connected to his thoughts. “So, I believe
these next lessons should be prefaced with the point of them. Because believe me, Dorcas, it
could get out of hand if you aren’t careful.”

Dorcas nods, dipping her quill in ink to jot down the words on the board. Introduction…to…
Dark…Magic.

Oh.

Oh.

“I see that look on your face, I see it,” he points, moving past his desk. “You won’t be
performing the serious spells yet, not for a long time. The point of these lessons is not what
you might be thinking.”
“Then…what is it?” She questions, because this could get illegal very fast . Professors aren’t
allowed to teach students how to use Dark Magic, there’s a restricted section in the library for
a reason.

“To defend yourself from Dark Magic, you must fully understand it. Inside and out. The
origins, its uses, the curses.” Ainsworth pauses, watching her conflicted expression. “If you
aren’t comfortable with this, we can always…not do these lessons.”

Dorcas almost considers it. He’s giving her an out, an opportunity to end it early. She could
take it, but he could end the tutoring for good since there might not anything left to show her.
Not only would that disappoint him, but it would make her less special.

Ainsworth said this is to defend. To defend she must understand. Dorcas’ mind drifts to Mary
and how out of breath and scared she looked once she finally found her. They chased her
through the woods like predator and prey, and if Dorcas had been there, she could have dealt
with them accordingly. They should know what fear is.

“I want to do it,” she says. “I think it’ll be good for me.”

He nods affirmatively with a smile. “And that’s exactly why I chose you for this. Now, to
begin. I’m sure you know the nature of Dark Magic, typically wild and continuously
growing. It’s exponential. One form may exist, and three new subgroups may sprout from the
source.”

Dorcas quickly transcribes what he says into bullet points on her paper.

“It is dangerous and unpredictable, but that is what is so fascinating about it. The laws of the
universe have cracks, and this is the one kind of magic that will slip through. It cannot be
destroyed,” Ainsworth explains, and the board begins to show that snake symbol for Death
Eaters again. “This group in particular have a special kind of love for the dark divisions of
magic. But just because it’s called dark and used by bad people doesn’t necessarily make it
all bad.”

She furrows her brows. “How so?”

“If a friend of yours was being attacked and in danger of serious harm, would you fight
back?”

“Yes,” she replies without hesitation.

Ainsworth gestures outwards with a content smile. “Case in point.” He seems to ponder
something for a moment, staring down at her. “And if a situation came up where you only
had a choice of kill or be killed, what then?”

Dorcas shifts uneasily in her seat, racking her brain for what he wants her to say. Would she
kill someone? That’s a thought she didn’t think she’d be having today.

One thing she knows about survival instincts: when an animal is backed into a corner, it’s
most likely to strike. It may die in the process, but it’s a last ditch effort. Everything wants to
live.

Quickly, she tries to imagine a scenario where that would ever need to happen, but is left at a
loss.

“I…don’t know,” she finally says. “I don’t think my life would ever get to that point.”

“Which is a mistake to assume,” he counters. “You never know where you will end up, and
that’s both the beauty and horror of life. Don’t you think?”

“…Yeah. I guess it is.”

Ainsworth chuckles at the look on her face. “Don’t worry, it’s always just a precaution. Not
to mention, something like the Unforgivables and the Killing Curse are not the topic of today,
this is only an introduction.”

Dorcas tries not to look uncomfortable anymore to please him. It’s not like she can read his
mind, but the way his voice sounded when she nearly turned down Dark Magic made her
stomach churn.

And yet, at the same time, the way he talks about the Unforgivables worries her for the
future. She won’t have to perform them, right? Because that definitely crosses a line in not
just the law , but her morals too. Charming ponds into thick layers of ice, conjuring fires, and
exploding rocks are different skills than mind control, murder, and torture.

The rest of the lesson ends up leaving Dorcas in this mood she can’t describe. Following the
others she was always giddy, but now she feels on edge, and it’s not Ainsworth’s fault. It’s
just the material setting her off.

She enters her dorm, finding the other three on their stomachs playing with muggle cards.
Alice has a face of concentration on, but Mary turns her head back and smiles at her.

“Hey, Dor! How was it?” She asks, subconsciously kicking her ankles back and forth. Lily’s
at her side resting her chin on her arms, watching her.

The two of them have been speaking again the past two weeks, which is good. Dorcas almost
had to bring it up and potentially cause more issues. Whatever spat they were having had
gotten annoying, plain and simple.

“It was fine,” Dorcas absentmindedly replies, putting her bag away. With her back to them,
she slips her notebook into the bottom of her chest so they don’t stumble upon it. That’s a
hard thing to explain.

Lily scoffs a laugh. “That sounded really enthusiastic.”

“Well, I dunno,” she shrugs. She sits right outside their circle. “Just a lecture today, no real
spell casting.”
Alice scrunches her nose up, saying, “That sounds boring.”

“Yep…pretty boring. Um, what’s the game?”

“Go fish!” She grins. “I’ve never played a muggle card game and apparently this is the one
for babies, but these babies must be having loads of fun. I love it.”

“Mary and I were going to play Spit, and then Alice wanted to learn, so we decided to go
with something easier,” Lily chimes in.

Dorcas blinks at her. “Sorry— spit?”

“Yeah, it’s a…oh, Dorcas it’s cards!” Lily giggles. “What did you think we’re exchanging
spit or something?”

Mary clears her throat loudly. “I think we should keep playing, did you want to play, Dor?
You should play, I think you would be really good at this game.”

Suddenly, Lily gasps, covering her mouth with wide eyes. When she removes it, she’s bright
red. “Yes, Dorcas, take cards, you should play!” She insists.

Her and Alice glance at one another in amusement, but don’t comment. Soon enough, Dorcas
is handed a few cards and decides to learn alongside her.

The room is quiet, the only noise being the wind lapping against the window. Dorcas is on
her side staring into nothing. She’s calm, but she feels like she shouldn’t be.

It’s under her skin in a way, like an itch she can’t get to.

Maybe it’s all the lying she’s doing. Her friends have a right to know what’s happening and to
give their opinions on it all, it’s quite a polarizing subject. How would Mary or Lily feel?
They definitely don’t have the same ideas of Dark Magic as Ainsworth does, and even if she
made her decision because of them, they may not like it.

But then again, she’s doing it for them. It’s for emergencies, an extra precaution. The
Slytherins aren’t opposed to hurting them which means Dorcas needs to be there to stop it. It
might never need to be used, but she’ll have it just in case. Her friends may never find out, so
what’s the point in stopping herself from reaching her full potential?

She’s special, important, and gifted according to him. For someone like her: entirely ordinary
in the magic world and hated in the muggle world, that means something. No one else gets
this.

Dorcas wonders if Ainsworth could stay more than one year, and what she could do if he did.
He must have more for her considering how knowledgeable he is in the Dark Arts. Maybe
she could learn unspoken magic early or learn how to duel. Who would be her dueling
partner? Him? She doesn’t imagine she’d put up a good fight against him, however, she’s
never seen him fight.
 All of these thoughts stir through her mind, and she really is too calm about all of it. A year
ago, she never imagined she’d be here contemplating her own capabilities. That wasn’t
something she used to worry about because of how painfully average she once believed she
was.

Not anymore, Dorcas will not make that mistake again.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: dissociation

These are arcs idk what to call other than “putting Regulus through the wringer” and “oh
no, Dorcas” because I’m not very nice to my characters.

I might need to reaffirm that everyone’s an unreliable narrator and not everything they
say and think is truth and this applies to Both of them this chapter. Anyway I hope you
enjoyed this one! <3
 Third Year: You’ve Got it Bad, Girl
Chapter Summary

God, I think they’d hate my soul around you.

Chapter Notes

CW at the end note!

Words: 4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 8, 1973

“I’ve found almost nothing!” Sirius groans, flopping down on his bed.

Peter eyes him, trying to do Divination homework as the boy complains.

“Have you really looked through everything?” James asks.

Sirius rolls onto his stomach, burying his face into the pillow. “I dunno! But no one knows a
damn thing about Werewolves and if animagi can be around them. No one’s tried it before,
we’ve been looking for a whole month.”

Personally, Peter thinks Sirius is a bit obsessed with this. It’s half of what he talks about if
Remus isn’t around or they aren’t messing with people. What does this matter anyway? It’s
not like they could become animagi, they’re too young and too inexperienced. McGonagall
went on about how much patience and skill is needed for this, all of them have very little of
the former. Peter lacks the latter.

It’s not like Sirius is doing it entirely on his own, James has been skimming through some
books too. He’s tried telling them that this whole thing is ridiculous and dangerous, but they
don’t listen. It’s a recipe for disaster, is what it is.

“Why don’t you just ask Remus?” James wonders.

Sirius pops up off the pillow. “Are you mad? Do you think he’d approve of what we’re
doing?”
Peter purses lips uneasily. “Well, if it’s something he wouldn’t like, shouldn’t you stop?”

“I knew you’d say that, you’ve been trying to stop me this whole time.”

“Because it’s not safe!”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “You’re just worried you’ll get in trouble with the Ministry,” he says.

“That’s a very valid concern!” Peter notes, incredulity lacing his voice. “If you go through
with this, I won’t do it.”

“That is completely fine with me.”

James makes an annoyed noise, getting to his feet. “I’m not listening to the same argument
again, Merlin. I’m about to go join a Remus and Evans study session to get away from this.”

Sirius chuckles. “Oh, she’d love that,” he says with raised brows.

“Maybe she would, what do you know?”

“I know she scolded you specifically for jinxing Snivellus the other day even though it was a
joint effort,” he shrugs. “Not me, I got off Evans free.”

James scoffs, shaking his head. “Well, I think she just likes talking to me.”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, James.”

“I will,” he affirms. “And you know what, I don’t get why she’s so stuck on defending him
anyway. He’s friends with all these horrible people and she’s just cool with that. They hate
her!”

Peter looks back at his Divination work and realizes he hasn’t written anything down in quite
some time. Through all their talking, it’s impossible to concentrate. They don’t get it because
they never actually do their work which lands them in detention after detention. With a sigh,
he puts his quill down and gets to his feet.

Sirius lays back and the room falls into silence for maybe fifteen whole seconds. “…Full
moon’s tomorrow,” he mumbles.

Peter raises a brow. “So?”

“ So, I can get more work done in the couple of days he’s out. James, come with?”

He nearly rolls his eyes at the topic going back to animagi, he can’t do Sirius’ idealism.
There’s no universe where this ends well, and he will sit back and watch it happen,
completely uninvolved.

“We’ve got practice both days, haven’t we?”

“Well, that’s in the morning. Usually the moon comes out at night, y’know.”
James makes a face at him. “Yeah, thanks. Get smart with me, you don’t get smart with
me…” he mutters to himself, pulling his shoes on.

Peter frowns. “Where are you going?”

He stops, glancing up at him. “Uh, I was just gonna ask Frank something about practice,
why?”

“Can I come?”

“If you want, sure.”

He trails after James out of the room and downstairs. James doesn’t seem to care if he comes
along or not, but Peter’s bored and a bit annoyed with Sirius at the moment. He’ll take the
first opportunity to get out for a bit.

In the common room near the fire, Remus and Lily are busy packing up their things. Remus
spots the two of them and smiles. Lily does not.

“Already done?” James casually asks.

Remus lugs his bag over his shoulder and nods. “It’s Mary’s birthday, so Lily just wanted to
get some work in fast.”

“Oh! Is it? I like Mary, where is she?”

Lily makes her lips into a thin line. “You’re not joining us, y’know.”

James just laughs. “I know that, can’t I wish a girl a happy birthday?”

“Sure, but you’re not following me. I’m not happy with you at the moment.”

“Are you ever?”

Peter and Remus watch the two of them go back and forth, occasionally glancing at one
another not sure if they should step in. That’s the thing about James and Lily, they argue to
argue. There is literally no other reason they speak to one another and he’s over it.

She hums in agreement, surprisingly enough. “Fair point,” she says. “Whatever, tell her
happy birthday, but don’t follow me to do it.”

James shrugs. “Never said I was going to. You’re really cross with me then? Because of a
silly little spell?”

“Yes!” She stresses, starting out of the common room. James—and therefore Peter—follow
after her, and she notably doesn’t protest. “And it’s not like it’s a one time thing, either, so
don’t act like it is. The pumpkin-head jinx on Halloween, the tiny dragons in Transfig,
furnunculus the other day, you’re driving him mad, you know?”

“I thought the pumpkin-head was funny…” James mutters. “Peter, was it funny?”
“Yeah, very funny.”

“See?”

Lily groans. “That is not a fair assessment! He has a hard enough time with things, you’re not
being nice.”

James waves her off a bit carelessly, matching her pace. “Oh, please. Is his hard time being
friends with people that hate your guts? Is that what’s giving him a hard time?” He criticizes,
watching her expression go stormy.

“I don’t like it either, but I can’t control who he talks to, okay?”

“And he can?”

“…What are you on about?”

Peter thinks James has forgotten all about his question for Frank.

He furrows his brows, frown apparent. “The way he looks at other people when you’re with
them, it’s freaky, alright? Like during the first Hogsmeade trip when he was lurking in the
shadows, just looking at you,” he explains carefully.

Lily blinks up at him. “You were busy talking to Frank and the lot, you shouldn’t have even
seen us.”

“Well, I did.”

She’s silent for a long moment.

“Stop following me, Potter,” she mutters, and James stops in his tracks. It’s immediate, so
much so that Peter nearly runs into him.

Lily disappears down the hall, so James sighs, hand on his nose bridge. “She’s so stubborn,”
he mumbles mainly to himself.

“You could just not talk to her,” Peter says.

“Why would I do that?” He retorts, spinning to meet his eyes. “I’m trying to warn her about
that twat. I don’t know what he’s doing, but he gets on my nerves.”

Peter just shrugs, he doesn’t really know much about Snape as a person other than that he’s
fun to mess with. His friendship with Lily Evans is of absolutely no concern to him, and
maybe it is a bit strange considering… everything, but who is he to judge?

They stand around for a little while longer until James clears his throat, asking, “Do you
wanna go do something fun?”

Thank Merlin, something to do.

 ———

Remus watches the three of them leave out the portrait hole and blinks a few times, finding
himself alone. “Nice studying with you too, Lily,” he jokingly mumbles with a sigh.

He trudges back upstairs, limbs heavy and giving him a hard time again. It happens every
month, but it’s not like it gets easier.

Opening the door, he unsurprisingly finds Sirius there laying on his bed. He picks his head up
slightly and smiles, letting it flop back down.

“I just got walked out on,” Sirius says.

Remus nods, putting his things away. “Me too.”

“Yeah, James and Peter just up and left, it was quite rude.” There’s no malice lacing his
voice, in fact it’s more playful than anything.

“Well, Lily up and left me to go argue with James about Snape again.”

Sirius chuckles. “Sounds about righ—wait, James said he was gonna speak to Frank! Oh,
that’s ridiculous, he’s such a liar. He just wanted to talk to Evans, didn’t he?”

Remus half shrugs. “I don’t think that was the original plan,” he says, bending down with a
wince to put his books in his chest. Beside it is his mum’s jumper. He takes it out and pulls it
on before slowly getting back to his feet.

Sirius is sitting up now watching him. “You alright?” He asks.

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“You look like you’re in pain, I know the moon’s tomorrow, so I was just…asking,” Sirius
mutters, suddenly looking confused at his own words.

Remus makes a noise to respond, not really sure what to say. “It’s not that bad. I’ve had it
worse.”

“See, that’s just not a good scale to go by,” Sirius says, wagging a finger at him. “I know
you’ve had it worse, I saw your chest cut open last month. I’m just asking if your limbs are a
bit achey.”

He turns around to pretend and be busy, just rearranging little objects on his desk. “Um, I
mean, yes. Yeah, it’s not great, but, I’ve—“

“Had it worse, I got that.”

“What, are you my healer now?” Remus questions nervously, shuffling paper for some
reason. “I can handle joint pain when I’ve had my chest cut open.”

“Well, I’m sure,” Sirius agrees. He pauses for a good minute, so Remus assumes it’s over and
stops doing whatever he was doing with the desk. He heads to his bed and sits on the edge.

“James totally fancies Evans, by the way,” Sirius circles back out of the blue.

He glances up at Sirius’ conveniently placed bed right across his. “We’ve been over this,” he
chuckles, pulling his shoes off.

“No, I know. But he does. Does he know he does?”

Remus purses his lips. “I feel like he’d be telling us all about it if he did. He loves Quidditch
and he never shuts up about it. If he figures out he likes Lily, he’s going to become a force to
be reckoned with, I think.”

Sirius hums. “You’re right. Best let this last as long as we can until he does get it.”

———

The four of them are laying on their backs, sweets wrappers scattered around the floor. On
Mary’s record player, Lily’s birthday gift to her spins under the needle. She’s beyond thankful
she picked out a good one and that it didn’t end up being rubbish.

‘When you believe in a feeling, and it’s holding you back from my love, then you’ve got it
bad, girl’

“He really plays all the instruments and he’s blind?” Mary asks around a Chocolate Frog.

Lily hums to confirm. “I heard this one on the radio during the summer, thought the whole
album must be good then.”

“It is!” Alice says. “Are we sure Stevie Wonder isn’t a wizard?”

She giggles. “I’m quite sure he’s a muggle, yeah.”

“Damn.”

They listen in silence some more, the only noise being the crinkling of plastic wrappers.
‘Should you depend on an outlet, through which an escape can be found, then you’ve got it
bad, girl’

Lily’s in a much better mood than she was earlier with Potter trying to stick his nose in her
business. He has absolutely no right to tell her Severus is a bad person when all he does is go
around making his life miserable. It’s gotten worse, too.

He can do anything he wants and not feel like it hurts his chances at being a part of this
world. Maybe it’s because he was born into it, but Lily does not have that luxury.

Potter doesn’t seem to care about the consequences of his actions, doesn’t care when he gets
detention, he doesn’t care when she’s upset with him, it seems like he doesn’t care about
anything at all. And even that is hard for her to understand because there are those rare
moments where it does seem like he cares.

With Donahue, he defended Remus at the risk of getting himself hurt, so Lily felt compelled
to defend him too. Potter also stood up to Mulciber for her sake, but turns around and pesters
her all the time. Lily doesn’t understand him or the way he works. He feels like two different
people and it messes with her head. What Remus even sees in him, she has no idea, he’s
never given the details of what makes him a good friend.

‘There’s no reward in detouring my deep sincerity. Especially since what you’re feeling is
perfectly clear to me’

Lily glances over at Mary who’s lightly moving her head to the beat and smiles. She thinks
about it every time she looks at her, but she’s just so pretty. She’s dressed up a bit nicer—not
that she doesn’t always dress nicely—for her birthday. Her hair’s done up and there’s a baby
pink gloss on her full lips.

They still haven’t spoken about the last time, but Lily wishes she could kiss her right now.

Even after they slept in each other’s arms for the first time since the summer, they didn’t talk
about it. Mary slipped out quietly at some point in the night and Lily woke up alone.

The day is nearly over, Mary is fourteen, and Lily wants to hold her.

‘Before you discover the feeling you’ve tried very hard to hide, then you've got it bad, girl.
You've got it bad, girl.

But when you can find just a small space to let my love live in your mind, then you'll have it
good, girl’
It takes her a moment to realize, but Mary’s looking back at her. She blinks, wondering how
long they’ve been making eye contact. Lily smiles. Mary swallows and bites the inside of her
cheek, visible heat coloring her face. She glances to the ceiling but doesn’t seem to be
watching much at all.

Her chest feels heavy, she finds it hard to look away while the song fades into the
background. That little interaction lives in her mind for the next few hours, nestling into the
crevices and making her feel like she’s walking on air.

She tucks into bed still riding that high, because honestly she’s getting desperate. It’s almost
ridiculous at this point. Her brain feels quite normal until she takes a glance at the girl and
suddenly it sounds like a mantra of Mary Mary Mary.

Lily rolls onto her side to maybe sleep or lose her head, whatever comes easier. Only, the
curtain to her bed is moved over and the bed dips at the other side. She looks over her
shoulder and finds Mary, so she’s quick to sit up.

“Hey…?” She whispers confusedly.

Mary performs a quick silencing charm around the bed and says, “We need to talk.”

Thank god, Lily thinks, heart pounding. She clears her throat and shifts stiffly. “Uh, about?”
Oh, she’s stupid.

Mary gives her a look. “You know.”

“…Yeah, I do. I dunno why I said that,” she mumbles, playing with her thumbs.

Mary chuckles lightly, just a slight exhale from her nose. Her face drops into something much
more serious and Lily braces herself for whatever she has to say. There’s a long silence as
Mary collects her thoughts.

“I’m having some…trouble recently,” she starts, unable to meet her eyes. “Well, I mean first
off, I never apologized for ignoring you those few weeks.”

“You don’t have to,” Lily says.

Mary quickly shakes her head. “No, I do. I just didn’t know what to do after…um. I mean,
you know what people think of things like that. What I think of it.”

Lily actually doesn’t know what Mary thinks of it because she never speaks her mind. Ever.
She gets quick glimpses into her thoughts occasionally, but other than that Lily’s completely
lost.

“I like boys, I do,” Mary says before a long pause. Lily lowers her head between her
shoulders waiting for rejection. She should have known, Mary’s been so freaked out by it all
—by her—that the distance wedged between them makes sense.
Mary seems to be full of surprises, though. “But…”

“But?” She repeats.

“I don’t know. You’re different.”

Lily picks her head back up in shock. “Different?” She parrots again.

“I don’t know, alright? I don’t know what it is, but—I mean I like being around you. Of
course I do, you’re my friend.” Mary talks in circles and Lily isn’t quite sure what to think.
“I’m just…I don’t…Lily, I’m scared.”

It’s the same thing she said after the Hogsmeade trip, but she seems sure of it now. “How
come?”

“How are you not?” She questions, eyes searching her. “I don’t need another thing to be
hated for. Do you remember what I said all that time ago? People don’t like me no matter
where I go. They hate me for the skin on my face, the blood in my veins, and if I…if I admit
my thoughts, they can hate me for the feelings in my head too. And I know I’ve just said it
aloud, but God, I think they’d hate my soul around you.”

Lily’s heart lurches out of her chest, watching Mary unravel in front of her. Because she does
remember, she remembers that day so vividly.

Next they’re going to say my soul is rotten for a reason they’ve made up and I’m just going to
have to take that.

“See, you don’t understand it because you can go home and yes, I know you have your sister
to deal with, but that’s it. You can go home and everything’s normal, you can get away from
it. I can’t,” Mary states, voice going watery. “What happens if I let myself have more than I
should? What will people think of me then?

“And I know you want something from me, Lily, I can tell. Every time you look at me,
there’s something in your eyes and it’s been there for a while. I’ve been trying to ignore it,
but you’re just horrible at hiding things. It sucks because I don’t know what I want from you,
but I know you’re different than our other friends and want something from me—“

Lily shakes her head in denial. “I don’t want anything from you,” she breathes, her head
spinning from how Mary’s known. “Mary, it’s not—it’s not wanting something from you.
Like what you said, I like being around you, and I don’t know what I want either. If you want
to forget about all of this because of what people would say, then I will.”

“But I don’t, that’s the problem!” Mary groans. She drops her head in her hands and breathes.
“I don’t want to forget it and it’s been driving me mad, and you’ve been driving me mad
too!”

Lily’s breath hitches in her throat. “…Is the only thing holding you back what other people
would think?” She asks slowly.
Mary frowns, eyebrows furrowed as she watches her. “And what I’d think of myself. My
family, too, but I’m not…I mean, I’m not—I don’t fancy girls. I don’t. Y’know, I’m Catholic.
Or I was. Before I came here, it was…my family and—Lily, I can’t explain it.”

Tentatively, Lily reaches between them and gently places her hand on Mary’s. She doesn’t
pull away, thankfully. “They don’t have to know what we’ve done,” she says. “No one does,
not even God. It can just be for us.”

Wide wet eyes search hers in the dark. “…Why aren’t you afraid of anything?”

She stopped willingly going to Church a long time ago. Her family follows Christianity and
all of that, but Lily always felt detached. They were stories to her in the way her fairytales
were, nice, but not enough to build faith around.

“We just see the world differently, Mary,” Lily hushes, slowly sliding her thumb across her
knuckles. “And in my opinion, if you don’t say it aloud, does it really matter to Him?”

“What? What like…like a secret?”

“Yeah,” she mumbles softly. “People can’t say anything about it if they don’t know. It doesn’t
have to be such a serious thing, we can just…exist together. You can also tell me no, and we
can forget if you’re not willing.”

They’re sitting quite close now, enough that Lily can see the conflict stirring in Mary’s
moonlit eyes.

“Not even Alice and Dorcas would know?”

“If you don’t want them to, then they won’t.”

“I don’t want them to,” she says.

Lily nods, heartbeat in her ears. “Okay, then they won’t. This is fine then?” She continues her
thumb’s movement on Mary’s knuckles and watches her breathing slow.

“Mm,” she hums. “Do… you fancy girls, Lily?”

“I’m not sure,” Lily says, face hot. “You’re the first person I ever kissed. My attention is only
really…on you, honestly.”

Mary pauses as a smile ghosts onto her lips. “You know, you just say things sometimes and I
don’t think you realize how it sounds. Like that exchanging spit comment…ridiculous,” she
teases.

“That was an accident!” Lily exclaims. “I was—don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not, I just thought your face afterwards was really cute.” Lily ducks her head into
Mary’s shoulder in embarrassment and to hide the horrific flush that’s crossing her face.
“This is cute, too,” she mumbles in her ear.
Lily groans, reaching the point of lightheadedness at how unreal this feels. Mary has a hand
laced through the hair on her nape. It seems like being a secret is okay with her and is
something she hadn’t considered before, as if Lily was going to go around kissing her in
broad daylight.

For someone who doesn’t fancy girls, Mary doesn’t seem to mind this. The comment of
‘they’d hate my soul around you’ still burns. It’s gut wrenching, but Mary’s holding her now.
Maybe it’ll get better for her.

Lily lifts her head off her shoulder. “It’s still your birthday,” she mutters, and Mary’s eyes
trail down her face. It distracts the hell out of her. “Um, maybe you could…uh. Stay…
tonight?”

“I think I will,” Mary says quietly, staring down at her lips like they’ve got a gravitational
pull to them.

Lily swallows. “You could also kiss me. If you’d like.”

Mary’s eyes meet hers for just a moment, and she does. Lily tries her hardest not to smile, but
Mary’s kissing her again. And it’s a real one. It’s not fake, it’s not practice. Her and Mary are
a secret together and it’s her birthday and they’re kissing.

Thank god for the soft lips on hers and the arms wrapping behind her neck. Lily encases her
face with her hands and deepens the connection, making Mary hum low in her throat.

The girl pulls back just slightly to breathe. “You’re annoyingly good, you know,” she pants.
“And I’m the only person you’ve ever kissed, it’s hardly fair.”

“I don’t think that’s a thing to complain about. You clearly like it. Am I meant to get worse?”

“Oh, shut it,” she smiles, lightly pushing on Lily’s chest. Lily falls back onto her elbows a bit
stupidly, but she doesn’t let that embarrassment show on her face. “Now I know you’re all
cocky, you’re gonna drive me mad in a new way.”

Lily giggles, reaching out to her. “Well c’mere, now you’re too far away.”

Mary scoffs, rolling her eyes but scooting to Lily’s side. “Couldn’t just sit up?”

“No, I could’ve. I wanted you to lay with me, though.”

It’s like Mary’s holding back another eye roll, but she wraps an arm around Lily and slightly
hovers over her. She leans down and reconnects their lips for a sweet moment, then lowers
herself on the bed. Half of her body is over Lily’s, all warm and curled around her frame. Lily
brings an arm over her back and holds her until she relaxes into a deep sleep.

She’s got it bad.

———
Chapter End Notes

CW: internalized homophobia

Coincidentally this update landed on my birthday which I think is pretty cool.

I can’t imagine any problems will arise from this undefined relationship…Mary’s
actions from here on out have are entirely excused by me because I wrote them and I
love her. Hope you enjoyed!
 Third Year: Uprooted
Chapter Summary

Losing time and control.

Chapter Notes

CWs at the end note!

Words: 4.9k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 11, 1973

“Oh, Divination is such a bore,” Sirius sighs, settling into his seat. Before him is a little
teacup, everyone else has one too. Peter takes a seat a couple spaces away, James and Remus
snagging the others on either side of him.

“I don’t think it’s so bad,” Peter says. “It’s pretty easy compared to all the other subjects.”

James makes a ‘pft’ noise. “Nah, I like Transfig better.”

“Well, yeah, cause McGonagall loves you.”

“She does n—“ James narrows his eyes. “Okay, she does a little bit. But I love her too, so it’s
all cool.”

Sirius laughs at him. “You don’t love her.”

“I do too!” He retorts. “I’ve got lots of love in my heart, Sirius, ever think about that? I love
you three, I love my parents, I love McGonagall, I love Quidditch, I…yeah, that’s about it,
but I do have love.”

He pats James on the back, shaking his head in amusement. He has no idea if he’s joking but
Sirius doesn’t think he could ever say those things so freely. It shocks him sometimes, just
how open he is.
Adelia Elms, their short Divination professor, struts in the room with a flourish. Sirius really
does not care for this class and plans to drop it next year, but she’s pretty entertaining to
watch.

“Hello, class!” She announces brightly, making her way to the front. “Today is an interesting
day, an interesting one indeed. You all read up on Tessomancy before this class like I asked?”

Sirius and James glance at one another and grimace. Woops.

“I hope you did,” she continues, “Otherwise you’ll be very confused today.”

“Well, I’m confused every class, it’ll hardly make a difference,” James mumbles, and Sirius
snickers.

“In each of your teapots you will find a teabag. In a moment, I will pour each of you a hot
cup of tea. You will drink all of it, then wait for my instruction, yes?”

The class murmurs in agreement. Sirius glances down into his little porcelain cup and raises a
brow at it. What does this have to do with Divination?

Professor Elms levitates a self-refilling teapot to each of their seats, filling each to the brim.
Sirius stirs the hot water around with the teabag and hums while he waits for it to brew. It
doesn’t look like there’s any sugar, which bums him out. Bitter tea makes his nose wrinkle,
but maybe it’s got something to do with the lesson. Or she’s stingy about people who put
sugar in their tea.

“Free cuppa, no complaints,” James says after they’re done brewing and slurps loudly.

Instinctively, Sirius sips his in the stupid prissy way his family taught him to, so he glances at
James with wide eyes. It’s like him and his habit to wear shoes on the bed.

Remus is watching him too, like he’s disappointed with his existence. “You could have some
manners…”

“Um, I’m trying to get on with the lesson, if you don’t mind, Remus. Also, this tastes like
rubbish, I’m getting it over with.”

“Too right,” Sirius mumbles into his cup, eyebrows scrunched up from the taste—or lack of
it. “Remus, you can’t be enjoying this.”

He shrugs. “I can handle bitter, it is a little much, though.”

The four of them sip their tea miserably for a few minutes, James finishing first because of
his slurping. He sets it down with a wide grin, leaning back and crossing his arms. Suddenly,
Sirius feels compelled to finish second place despite it not being a race. He tilts his head back
and gulps the rest of the tea down in two goes, slamming it down once his mouth is empty.

“Ah,” he breathes, immediately sticking his tongue out and retches. “Ugh. Gross. I got
second place!”
Remus sets his down like a normal person. “Third…I suppose.”

“Aw, you lot never said it was a race!” Peter whines.

“It wasn’t,” Remus says with a sigh.

Elms checks around for anyone else drinking tea then makes a happy noise of content.
“Fantastic, now, take your cups with your left hand and swirl the dregs at the bottom three
times,” she instructs.

Once he’s done that, he’s told to turn the cup upside down to get the remaining tea out. This
seems strange, but he follows along.

“Finally, get into partners and inspect each other’s cups!” Elms smiles. “Oh, but a different
partner than last class to switch things up.”

He and James look at each other sadly, and without even discussing it, he and Peter switch
spots so the latter can sit beside James. Sirius, on the other hand, plops down on the other
side of Remus.

“Wait,” Remus says. “I wanna see if I can figure mine out first, then switch.”

Sirius frowns. “Why? Don’t trust my leaf identifying skills?”

“No, I just thought it’d be fun.”

With a reluctant sigh, Sirius stares down into his cup, but all he sees are the leaves. Damn,
maybe Remus was right to not let him do this first. It’s just…a blob.

No, this is too difficult.

He leans close to Remus, muttering, “We should swap now, I can’t figure it out.”

Remus turns his head slightly, jumping back at how close Sirius is. Fair enough, he’d be
scared too. “Yeah, um…sounds good.”

They slide their cups over to one another and Sirius takes it in hand. Oh, great another blob.
He squints down at it for a good minute before feeling really stupid and pulling back. He
glances at Remus from the corner of his eyes, watching him inspect his own cup. He can see
his smattering of freckles from here, all dotted along his nose and cheeks.

Sirius props an elbow up on the table, leaning near his side again. “I think I know what yours
is,” he mumbles, a smile twitching onto his lips.

Remus doesn’t meet his eyes but hums, saying, “What’s it then?” In a similarly low tone.

“It’s a mound of dirt,” he replies. “Did you read what that meant?”

“Uh…no. That doesn’t sound like a real thing, what’s it mean?”

Sirius giggles, getting up right next to his ear. Remus’ gaze finally flicks to him momentarily.
“It means…” He grins. “You smell.”

Remus groans, lightly shoving Sirius away by the shoulder. “Shut up,” he says quietly. His
face is red, and he hopes Remus got that it was a joke and isn’t embarrassed. “You’re so…
whatever. Um, I think yours is—“

“James, you’ve got the Grim!” Peter gasps loudly.

Professor Elms gasps along with him, quickly moving up the stairs to get to them. Sirius
holds back an eye roll.

“What does that mean?” James questions with furrowed brows.

“Death!” Elms replies, snatching his cup from Peter’s hands. “It is an omen of death, young
man, a terrible thing to find in your cup.”

James doesn’t look very fazed by this, staring at her with a confused expression. “Am I
meant to be surprised? Everyone dies.”

“You’re too young for a Grim in your cup,” she mutters, looking in the porcelain like it’s
wrong. “Did you move the leaves?”

“No?”

“Oh, Merlin above,” she whispers. This feels like it’s just a big display to scare everyone so
he rests his cheek in his fist, letting himself be entertained. “Has anyone else gotten…the
Grim?”

Five hands go up, most notably Lily and Dorcas below, Marlene across the room, and a
couple of other students from Ravenclaw.

“…Ah,” Professor Elms says blankly, quickly moving to his and Remus’s side. “Not to
worry, students! There are many ways to interpret the tea leaves.” She grabs the cup in front
of Sirius—which is actually Remus’s. “For example, this is an owl, typically representing
sickness and poverty, so it’s not just death!”

Remus covers his mouth to hold back a laugh as she puts it back down anxiously and moves
back to the center of the class. “That makes me feel really good,” he says to Sirius once she’s
out of earshot.

“Was that supposed to make anyone feel better?” Sirius chuckles. “None of this is real
anyway, I don’t care. I drank tea, which means I’ll die, oh no!”

Remus bites back a smile and taps the edges of his—which is Sirius’s—tea cup. “I was going
to say you’ve got a cross earlier,” he says after a minute. “But it’s also depressing, so I think
all of these meanings are bad. No one in here looks happy, exactly.”

“I’m happy.”
“Well. That’s good at least.”

Sirius looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to joke that he’s happy too, but he doesn’t.
His smile drifts off and he averts his gaze to the table. It makes him think back on yesterday,
where Remus was in recovery and had another nightmare. He used to sleep quite peacefully
after his mother died, so what changed?

He showed up early before class that morning to find Remus tossing and turning, face
contorted and sad. So of course, Sirius woke him up as carefully as he could. He was thanked
quietly with a haunted expression. Remus then sat up curled into himself and looked like he
was willing himself not to cry.

Sirius wanted to hug him.

He hardly ever gets the urge to hug anyone, so it felt unnatural sitting in his mind. In fact, he
had no idea what to do with the thought. The two of them have never hugged before, it would
probably be strange then. That’s not their thing. The only person who hugs him is James.

Perhaps it’s too much. He took a step back and let Remus sit there for a while to get fixed up
by Pomfrey. They didn’t speak, merely existing in one another’s company. He went off to
class not long after.

At least Remus isn’t holding anything against him and seems fairly content in his presence
now. That’s enough for him.

Sirius awakes with a choked gasp, shooting up with trembling hands before attempting to
collect himself. He breathes slowly, sighing out once the panic leaves his chest.

“Sirius, you okay?” James mumbles sleepily beside him. “Bad dream?”

“Mm,” he groans, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize…”

He knows James doesn’t mind when he pops in for a ‘sleepover’, but Sirius feels
embarrassed all the same. He had a feeling tonight would be difficult, so he tip-toed his way
over. James never complains.

Sirius can’t remember what he was dreaming about and that bothers him. How could
something that affects him so much in his sleep immediately get lost once he opens his eyes?
Maybe it’s better this way, less to be haunted by.

He lies back down on his back. “Didn’t mean to wake you,” he mumbles.

“I don’t care, promise,” James says quietly. “That’s why I offered in the first place. Does it
help at all?”

“Usually. I’m just having a hard time tonight.”

There’s a charm around the bed already, so he doesn’t have to worry about speaking too loud.
He gave that idea to James since he’d been doing it with his own bed before going shut-eye.

James pauses for a moment. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Sirius scoffs a bitter laugh. “I can't even remember it now, isn’t that so stupid?”

“Not really, I don’t remember my dreams sometimes either.”

“…What do you dream about, James?”

He shrugs with a sigh. “Just…dunno. Life. Mundane things like going to class. Sometimes I
get a silly one,” James chuckles. “One time you had three heads and I had to put the
invisibility cloak over the other two so you could go about your day.”

Sirius stares at him. “That sounds nice,” he mutters distantly. “You don’t get bad dreams?”

“Well…sometimes, but they’re not real. I don’t think on them for too long.”

“Yeah, but about what?” He pushes, jealousy biting at his skin. It’s not very fair that James
can just move on from bad dreams the way he does. Sirius’ dreams are all real.

James blinks, hesitant to answer him. Just for a moment, one sweet moment, Sirius wants to
see if James gets it. Does he have fears? Does James Potter get scared?

“Just…y’know,” he mumbles. “My parents are getting a bit old now. Not crazy old or
anything, but um…I mean, sometimes I worry. Haven’t had a dream like that in a long time
though. It’s fine.”

Sirius is compelled to believe him, and yet the jealousy refuses to settle. Merlin, he wishes
that was the most he had to worry about. Chances are his nightmare involved his mother
leaving him twitching in her wake.

James clears his throat quickly. “So, are you alright now?”

He makes a ‘sort of’ face and settles himself into the mattress, turning on his back on James.
“Yeah, might be. Hope I don’t wake you again, sorry. Goodnight.”

“Yeah, goodnight, Sirius.”

———

Regulus wakes with a sharp inhale. It’s quiet enough that it doesn’t alert anyone, thankfully.
There might be a few hours until he truly needs to be conscious, so he watches the ceiling in
silence.
The bruising on his hand faded a few days ago, and so did the matching mark on Evan
Rosier’s face. His roommates refuse to speak to him now—not that Carrow ever really did—
and Regulus thought this would be a good thing.

Unfortunately, he did punch Pandora’s twin, so she’s not exactly pleased. She hasn’t stopped
their routine of vision dissecting, but is giving him the silent treatment outside of it.
Whatever. Regulus can take it.

He’s certain Walburga knows about it. He has a response ready to tell her so he’s pardoned
and perhaps Evan will take the scolding instead. It was his fault anyway, getting up in his
face like that and insulting him and his family, trying to call him out for having restless
nights. Regulus should have done worse, if only his brain could take it.

He still has not a clue what happened afterwards. It took multiple long hours for him to come
to the conclusion that he didn’t learn to apparate in Hogwarts. The bruises were too
developed for that.

The lack of an ability to recollect what could have been two hours of his life makes him
uneasy. Regulus isn’t typically so unsettled, so something is wrong, per say. It could be him,
but that sounds ridiculous. He’s perfectly fine.

One of the most plausible theories he has is that Barty Crouch put a hex on him, a kind that
makes you feel hazy and lose time. It wouldn’t be out of his skill range and he had been
yelling at him before his head went fuzzy. Regulus is fine now.

Finding that cave was even more out of the ordinary than everything else that was happening.
Why does Professor Slughorn use a cold wet cave to get around the school? Regulus still
doesn’t know how he got there, Slughorn had led him to the Potions class then sent him back
to his dorm.

Of course, first there was the proposition for him to join his Slug Club starting next term. For
some reason, Regulus accepted. He knows he’s clever, he doesn’t need an elitist club to get
his ego stroked by anyone. Then again, Slughorn has connections and more power than he
should. Maybe he could use that, who knows.

The biggest problem with that day is how he can’t stop thinking about it at night. He falls
asleep and finds himself in that dark cave, shivering with his clothing soaked. On occasion,
both of his hands are bruised. On others, none of them are. Sometimes the cave isn’t filled
with water at all. Only, it’s thicker and sticks to him like molasses. Clinging. It’s always too
dark to see what it truly is when that happens.

It feels childish. There is nothing in the world that makes Regulus feel more like a child than
having a nightmare. Fake scenarios birthed from reality come only from a place of
immaturity. Regulus is far from that.

He’s thought about it before, but perhaps Occlumency is the next route he has to go on. If
there are any outside influences involved in this, they’ll be rid of. If not, then at least he could
control his brain which continues to lash out at him. It’s something like an animal, and if
Regulus has to tame it to end whatever is going on, then so be it.
After his classes, Regulus heads up to the library and picks up the first book he can find on
Occlumency. There aren’t a wide variety and they all sit in dusty corners near the back given
its obscurity.

Legilimency is also an option, but he doesn’t see a reason to learn it, he’s not prying into
anyone’s mind. Walburga and Orion know Legilimency and on the rare occasion used it on
him and Sirius to see if they were telling the truth. He can’t remember how well it worked on
him, most of his earlier years are blurry.

He starts to carry his books over to where the tables are, but stops in his tracks, eyes
narrowing at one that’s occupied by none other than his brother and James Potter. There are a
spread of books around them and Sirius looks like he’s taking notes on something. Potter
isn’t as engaged in whatever he’s doing, tossing a crumpled ball of parchment up and down
while leaned far back.

Sirius seems fairly focused on his note-taking, so it could be that he’s decided to get his life
back together. Regulus doubts it.

He’s well hidden in the shadows of the bookshelves. Regulus watches them for long minute,
but nothing out of the ordinary happens.

Potter stops leaning his chair back and tosses the crumpled ball onto the table. He glances up
and flits his gaze to the side, meeting Regulus’ eyes.

Not so well hidden then. He takes a step back to find somewhere else to read, he won’t be
dealing with them. There is a lot he could say about Potter and Sirius.

He sees them in the corridors, in the Great Hall, in the courtyard. Somehow, they seem to be
the center of the world and everyone else just orbits around them. Typically, this wouldn’t be
such a bad thing considering their family’s tendency to crave being the center of the universe.
If Potter hadn’t ruined him.

Sirius is loud and obnoxious to an unwarranted degree, picking on higher class families he
should respect. Yes, Regulus punched one of the Rosier’s, and perhaps that makes him a
hypocrite, but Evan Rosier is far from a respectable person.

He may be worse than James Potter simply because he has no self respect. At least Potter
believes he has some worth to him. Evan is nothing like the kind of person Regulus should
associate himself with, and when he gets home that’s what he will tell his mother.

Walburga couldn’t possibly punish him for something she agrees with despite the physical
violence. He goes back in just over a week. It will be fine.

He sits down in a large windowsill, the glass cold from the chill outside. Regulus swipes the
dust off the top with a wrinkled nose and opens it in his lap.

What he begins to gather while he reads is that Occlumency is all about clearing the mind of
thoughts and feelings. The latter sounds simple enough, but all Regulus does is think. He
watches. He picks people apart. Regulus thinks.
However, he does scan over dream suppression as a side effect, and his eyes lock onto it.
With the barriers created in the mind, they withstand while the mind is at rest.

Regulus leans his temple against the cool glass and reads through all the side effects of
learning Occlumency that they’ve put like they’re bad things. Emotion suppression, dream
suppression, and loss of empathy. There are others that don’t sound as beneficial, like—

Footsteps draw near.

Regulus shuts the book, a cloud of dust filling the air as he turns his head to catch Potter on
his way over.

“What are you doing?” He sneers.

“I’m bored and Sirius is busy, I told him I was going to the loo,” Potter shrugs, crossing his
arms.

Regulus blinks. “What does that have to do with me? I’m not one of your friends. Why don’t
you leave and spend time with the little round boy who follows you around.”

“Peter does not ‘follow me around’,” Potter says with finger quotes. “Are you watching me?”

“Well, the shoe seems to fit quite well,” he drawls, hopping off the window ledge to escape
and find a new spot. “And I watch everyone. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but the world doesn’t
revolve around you. Now, I’m busy.”

Potter chuckles, and it’s like a grate against his skull. “You get meaner every year, Regulus. I
remember before your first year you were all shy and awkward. Didn’t even wanna order ice
cream. The good old days,” he reminisces, but it just sounds like he’s mocking him.

“I was a child,” he mutters.

“…Aren’t you twelve?”

“That has nothing to do with!” Regulus snaps, fist clenched around the spine of his book. He
won’t try it with Potter like he did Rosier, they are far from the same build. He’s never seen
Potter fight, but he’s sure he could knock him out like a light. He’s always been better with
words, anyway.

Potter shrugs, arms raised up in surrender. “Alright, alright, relax! Merlin, what’s that book
you’re reading? ‘How To Be An Arsehole 101’?”

“You’ll keep your mouth shut if you know what’s good for you.”

He just laughs, and it grinds his gears further. “You amuse me, you really do, Regulus. Or
uh…what’s it that Sirius calls you, Reggie?”

Regulus groans low in his throat, pushing past him to check out the book and bring it back to
the dungeons. It’s not worth the fight, it’s not worth it, just leave, just—
He spins back and pulls his wand out, shooting a harsh Stinging hex on Potter’s side. He
stumbles back and makes a ragged noise of pain, clutching at the target zone. His eyes are
wide and locked on him, but Regulus just turns back around to get as far away from him as
he can.

His brain doesn’t go fuzzy, and he doesn’t lose hours of his time. He’s fine.

But he’s trembling with a hot rage that sears his skin and he doesn’t know why. Nothing
Potter said should have had any effect on him, and maybe it wouldn’t if he wasn’t so closely
associated with Sirius. If he wasn’t the one that soiled his mind and made him a traitor.

Yes, that’s it. He bets Potter will tell Sirius all about what he did and Sirius will be further
away than ever. He hopes the hex burns then.

Regulus is back in the dungeons where it’s cold and he shivers despite the fact that his skin
feels like fire. He hates it here. He hates and he hates. Regulus hates.

He casts a heavy silencing charm around his bed because Crouch and Carrow are here. Can’t
have them hear him.

Fists clenched into tufts of hair, a loud noise of frustration claws it’s way from his chest to
behind his gritted teeth.

Regulus curls into himself as his shoulders shake violently against his will. He takes
trembling breaths through his nose in fear that if he opens his mouth he’ll let out another
harsh noise.

It feels like he’s teetering on the edge of sane and less than lately, and something might be
wrong with him. Regulus might just be sick in the head, he never used to act like this. He was
never so angry, so quick to violence, so soft.

He drops his hands with a rough breath, clutching for the Occlumency book and slamming it
down before him. There has never been anything he’s needed more than he needs this. He
needs control of himself. He needs control.

———

DECEMBER 13, 1973

“I’m gonna snap that little twerp’s arm once we’re out of here,” Sirius mutters to James in
Charms.

“You don’t have to do that, I’m alright. I did provoke him a bit.”
Sirius grumbles a laugh in his throat, slowly shaking his head. “No, no, that’s the second time
he’s put you in the Hospital Wing. He’s my brother, I can deal with him how I want to.”

James sighs, rubbing his nose bridge. “I know you can, but I’m okay now,” he says.

“I’m very stubborn.”

“Yeah, but—“ James cuts himself off. “You’re not changing your mind, are you?”

“Nope.”

So for an agonizingly long hour, Sirius sits there stewing away, coming up with everything he
could say to him. A lot of them toe into something depressing, so he’ll try not to go there.

The moment Professor Flitwick dismisses the class, Sirius is out of his seat and angrily
strutting down the corridors to the Defense room. He knows Regulus is going to come from
here any moment now.

The door opens, and out comes a tired looking Regulus. He glances in his direction, eyes
widening a fraction before speeding up his pace to leave. Sirius marches on after him and
with his longer legs he catches up in an emptied section. He tugs Regulus around by the
shoulder and pushes him against the wall.

“What is wrong with you?!” Sirius scolds before performing a Stickfast hex to keep Regulus
from running. He’s silent, staring up at him with fire in his eyes. “Don’t go silent on me, you
twat, talk to me!”

It takes him a moment to realize they haven’t spoken since the day of the wedding. It’s been
nearly five months.

“No!” Regulus spouts.

“Oh, you sound like a real child, now don’t you—“

“Shut up!”

Every possible confrontation he planned in his head dissipates, and he acts purely on impulse.

“You hurt James,” he seethes, pointing a finger right up in Regulus’ frowning face. “I heard
you yell at him and then I heard him in pain, you burnt him, you arse!”

A bitter smile twitches on his expression. “Well that’s what I’d hoped for, I wanted him to be
in pain,” Regulus says like it’s not the most terrible thing Sirius has ever heard from him.

Sirius takes a step back, staring at Regulus like he’s a stranger. He is. “What’s happened to
you?” He tries not to let emotions show in his tone, but it’s suddenly become difficult. “You
used to refuse to hurt insects, even I never did that. You cared about life, what is this?”

“You act like I killed him.”

“You don’t hurt people, Regulus!”

“Don’t act so high and mighty, you hypocrite!” He shouts, desperately trying to move his
feet. “You hurt people all the time, sending jinxes and hexes as jokes, you’re no better than I
am. You’ve hurt more people than I can count. Is it different because it’s James? Stupid
Potter’s rotted your brains into mush. You don’t even know what you’re talking about
anymore, you just want to act good and righteous.”

Sirius moves back towards him, anger reigniting. “Don’t turn this on me, this isn’t about
me!”

“But it is! It always is! Everything is about you, Sirius, you’re the center of the universe!
Everyone will abide by your rules and what you do is completely exempt from them. I don’t
even care that you hurt people, you could go kill someone right now and I wouldn’t so much
as blink,” Regulus criticizes, feet finally able to move, but he doesn’t run. He steps closer.
“But I’m not five years old anymore, you need to get over it!”

“There is seriously something wrong with you,” he says darkly.

Sirius stares down at Regulus’ baggy eyes and lowered brows and he knows deep down that
this could have been him, but he can’t process that right now. Not when Regulus pulls out his
wand and sticks it against his chest.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, don’t you dare say that, I’m better than you are and you
know it,” he fumes, practically shaking with anger. “You can’t even do anything right, you
couldn’t get through a single day without ruining it and making us the talk of everyone for
weeks! Then I had to deal with listening to you through the walls every. Single. Day.”

“Oh, I bet you loved that, didn’t you?” Sirius smiles manically. “Look at you, you’re gonna
hurt me too? How badly do you wanna be her, Regulus? How bad?”

That sets off something in his eyes and Sirius relishes in it. Staring into his face, Regulus
mumbles, “She’s teaching us how to behave, that’s different.”

“Merlin, it’s like she possessed you. What’s next? You tried to free Kreacher and you
deserved what you got?”

Sirius expects Regulus to hit him, curse him, throw whatever he can to hurt him after that.
But he doesn’t. It’s like he’s turned to stone, eyes turned to the ground with his wand pressed
into Sirius’ sternum. Like remembrance.

He almost feels bad.

His little brother looks like he’s gone somewhere else.

Sirius tightens his jaw as Regulus steps back in silence, walking away as if none of it even
happened. He doesn’t call after him, he doesn’t say anything at all.

Something might be wrong with him, too.

 ———

Chapter End Notes

CW: dissociation (in a separate pov), referenced abuse

Something something Regulus has no support system compared to Sirius and they’re
still being driven apart by so many outside influences but only point fingers at each
other. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed this rollercoaster!
 Third Year: Cleaning the Mess
Chapter Summary

Holiday break begins, but there’s an empty space at their sides.

Chapter Notes

CW at the end note!

Words: 4.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 21, 1973

“I don’t wanna go back,” Sirius mumbles into his shoulder. James holds him firmly.

“You don’t have to,” he reminds for…well, he doesn’t know how many times he’s said it.
James knows Sirius won’t listen.

He sniffles, shaking his head slightly. “I have to. I can’t just…not go. Then what happens
during the summer? They’ll know I didn’t come home.”

James wonders if his family even wants him home anymore, but he doesn’t ask it. That
would really just upset Sirius in the end. Sometimes after waking from a nightmare he’ll
drowsily admit he still thinks they love him deep down. He won’t take that away from him.

Something he’s been thankful for, though, is Sirius being able to hug him back. It took a long
time, but he does it now without that stiffness and hesitation that used to overtake his body.
Now, he slumps comfortably in James’ embrace.

He doesn’t know what came of his and Regulus’ confrontation, but Sirius didn’t show up to
classes the rest of the day. James found him in his bed staring at nothing at all, eyes sad and
empty. He’d climbed in and quietly let Sirius rest his face into his shoulder just as he’s doing
now. James has spent most of the past week worrying about him, really. Sirius is spending
every night in his bed now and still wakes up shaking. Maybe it’s the anxiety of needing to
spend two weeks back home, but it puts such a sickening feeling in James’ gut.
They’ll still go to Quidditch practices and class together, but Sirius is so off. James doesn’t
pry about Regulus, but something big happened that day. He has a feeling the confrontation
didn’t end up having much to do with him in the end.

After a long silence, James says, “Owl me if you can, alright? If not, that’s okay too. You’re
strong, you can stick out the two weeks.”

“And what if I can’t? What if she breaks me again?” He whispers, and James’ heart shatters.

“Then I’ll be there to pick you up.”

It’s early in the morning and their things are all packed, they haven’t woken the others yet.
They’ll be on the train in two hours, and then James will have to try his very best to not
worry himself sick.

He should enjoy his holiday; he and Peter have made plans to hang out together on one of the
days his parents are home to take care of his sister. It’s going to be Christmas, he’ll be getting
presents from his mum and dad with that big tree up in the living room. Then it’ll be New
Years, chances are his parents will let him have a Butterbeer as the clock strikes twelve.

It should sound great, but the more James thinks about each scenario, the more he feels like
there’s something missing. An empty space at his side.

Sirius slowly separates himself from him and rubs his eyes. “M’kay. Could we still have fun
on the train? Don’t think I wanna feel like this the whole way there.”

“Of course we can,” James says with a small smile. “We don’t have to go big or anything, it
can just be something for the four of us.”

“Yeah, I like that.”

Sirius gives him a ghost of a smile back before getting to his feet to get dressed. James hops
out of bed and stretches up high, hoping for a good day.

Once they’re on the train, things seem a little lighter. Sirius and Remus put on smiles despite
how obvious it is they don’t want to go back. They feel good enough to at least fake it
though, so maybe that’s something.

He hoped to spend a ridiculous amount of money on sweets from the trolley, but it hasn’t
come round yet and he’s starting to get impatient. With the number of galleons and sickles
he’s got stuffed in his pockets, James stands suddenly.

“I’m gonna look for the trolley, you lot want anything specific?” He asks.

Peter nods excitedly. “Ooh! Cauldron Cakes!”

“Those jellies and a Chocolate Frog,” says Sirius.

“Anything works for me,” Remus adds.

“Alright! Be back in a mo’,” James says, sliding the door open and stepping into the hall of
the train.

He glances around, but it’s completely empty other than the booth seats. With a hum, he
begins to wander. James opens the door over into the next section looking for that damn old
woman and her rolling cart of sweets.

Finally, he does spot her—and a couple others—looking through some of the items.

“Oh! Fancy seeing you here, Evans,” James grins, walking up beside her and Alice. “And
Fortescue, of course.”

Alice gives a small wave, but Lily groans, already looking like she’s ready to hit her forehead
against the edge of the trolley. “Did you really follow me over to a whole other section of the
train?”

“I didn’t follow you, I was looking for the trolley,” James points out, giving the old woman a
charming smile. “Found it, of course. Is there a limit for how much I can buy?” He asks her.

The lady chuckles. “Not at all, dear, I’ve got plenty more in storage.”

“Ah, perfect,” he says, digging through his pockets for a handful of the coins in there. “I’ll
take four Cauldron Cakes, a couple Jelly Slugs, four Chocolate Frogs, that chocolate bar over
there…oh—and Bertie’s Beans, thanks.”

“Christ,” Lily laughs, and it’s a pretty sound, one that’s hardly ever directed at him. “What do
you need all that for?”

James blinks out of his thoughts and starts to collect his purchase in a bag. “Gift to the boys,
y’know how it is. Actually, do you want anything?”

“What? Well obviously, I’m here, aren’t I?”

He smiles. “Yeah, but I mean, I’ll get you something. You too, Alice.”

Lily and Alice glance at one another like they’re silently broadcasting their thoughts to one
another. The latter speaks first, saying, “I’m not gonna give up free sweets, c’mon.”

Lily purses her lips with a hum. “I’ll get something for Mary,” she states, eyes scanning.
“Caramel Cobwebs, she likes those.”

“Yeah, and I’ll do another Chocolate Frog, I’ve been trying to get this card for weeks.”

James flips another gold coin to the trolley lady and the girls grab their items happily.

“Thanks, James!” Alice beams, sliding the door back to her compartment.
“No problem at all, hey, Happy almost Christmas?” He makes an outward gesture with his
arms, waiting for them to send it back.

Alice points at him as she enters the doorway. “Yes, Happy Christmas!”

Lily is still pursing her lips and unable to meet his eyes. James cocks his head at her with a
smile. She sighs, “Happy Christmas.”

He watches her go before turning away, humming happily to himself and practically dancing
his way back to his friends.

“What the hell happened to you?” Remus jokes, scooting over to let James sit. He just
giggles, handing all of them the sweets they ordered.

“Oh, y’know,” James waves off, cheeks hurting from the smile he’s got on. “Life.”

Sirius stuffs a Chocolate Frog in his mouth. “Code name for Lily Evans?”

James’ eyes go wide. “What? No. No!” He pauses for a moment, watching Sirius and Remus
give him a look. Peter seems confused. “I mean. She was at the trolley-“

“Ah, so it is!”

“No…I just bought her and Alice a couple of things and I’m in a very jolly mood. It’s
Christmas.”

Peter speaks around his own Cauldron Cake. “What are you two on about?”

Remus and Sirius glance at one another and raise their brows, biting back smiles. “It’s alright
Peter, James will figure it out eventually and then we’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Figure out what?” James questions, eyes narrowed.

“Nothing, nothing at all,” Remus assures, but it’s actually not very assuring. “What’d she say
to you?”

“Evans?”

“Yeah.”

James shrugs, opening a frog of his own. “She said Happy Christmas,” he says. As he does, a
smile forces its way back onto his face and his voice goes a little distant.

“…Ohhhh…” Peter gasps, chuckling to himself. “I think I got it.”

“Got what?” James frowns. “Are you all in on something secret?”

Sirius scoffs a laugh. “Hardly a secret, mate.”

He crosses his arms with a deeper frown. “Well, this isn’t very fair. Tell me what it is.”
“Hm…” Sirius contemplates. “Remember when Evans petrified Donahue to save your arse?”

James bites the inside of his cheek, glancing up in remembrance. Oh, what a day. He had a
hard time focusing for the rest of it after Lily did that. It might be one of the craziest things
someones ever done in his name. Godric, she looked so cool while doing it, too.

“…Earth to James?”

“What?” The three of them start to snicker around him. “Oh, right. Yeah, of course I do. Well,
I certainly thought it was bold. It was like getting smacked in the face, only she wasn’t
smacking me this time. I appreciated that. And then when we were in Dumbledore’s office,
I’m sorry, Sirius. I wasn’t listening to a word of it.”

Sirius nods slowly. “I know. Believe me, James, I know. You kept looking at her.”

“I did?”

“Mhm.”

“Oh,” he mumbles, eyebrows furrowing in thought. He thinks about the first time he really
appreciated her, which funnily enough was when she actually did slap him. Lily’s fierce and
protective, and she glows—is what he’s pretty sure were his thoughts. Godric, she really does
glow, doesn’t she? His heart swells a little thinking about her laughing about what he said just
a few minutes ago and his eyes widen like saucers.

“Oh!” James shouts, a hand cupping his forehead in shock. “Oh…Oh. Ohh.”

His friends begin to cackle at him, nearly doubling over at his discovery.

Oh, Merlin, does he fancy her? James has never really had crushes on people before, maybe
he should have realized earlier. With Lily‘s insistence on disliking him, it’s not like he could
tell. He just thought pestering her was fun because of the way she’d roll her pretty green eyes.
Oh. Well.

“Remus and I planned to wait, but I was already exhausted by this,” Sirius comments, licking
his fingers free of chocolate. “Watching you blush like a schoolgirl.”

“I am not blushing like a—what?!” He freaks. “I’ve done nothing of the sort!”

“You’re doing it right now.”

James presses his hands to his cheeks—which are burning hot—and groans into a facepalm.
The rest of the train ride is essentially used just to make fun of him, and he has no idea how
to feel. He needs advice on what to do now with this information. Is his end goal to date Lily
Evans now? Five minutes ago this idea wasn’t even in his mind. Is this that sort of time
where he can date people? Does James want to date people?

Before they know it, the train begins to slow and come to a stop at Kings Cross. It’s like the
atmosphere immediately goes sour and everyone’s brought back to reality. Peter seems
alright, but Remus and Sirius’ faces drop and now James is upset for them.
Peter and Remus get their things and leave the compartment after a quick ‘goodbye, I’ll miss
you’, all that. James picks up Tally’s cage, his little owl who isn’t so little anymore and
watches Sirius shrink into himself. He places the cage behind him and moves to sit next to
Sirius and hug him by the shoulder.

Sirius leans into his side quietly, a storm behind his eyes.

“It’s only a couple of weeks,” he mumbles, rubbing up and down his arm comfortingly.
“Then I get to steal you back and we can do something fun, yeah?”

Sirius nods, breathing slowly. “Alright. I can do it.”

“Yeah, you can,” James smiles. He removes his arm and stands. “Gonna miss you loads,
mate.”

“Yep. Good luck with your discovery of the day,” Sirius teases, throwing a small bag over his
shoulder.

“Oi! Watch it.”

Sirius chuckles. “Can’t believe you just figured it out.”

“Oh, whatever.”

The two make it out of the train into a massive group of families, but the Blacks always
manage to stand out. Regulus stands at his mother’s side in silence, not even the typical
scowl is present on his face. James pats Sirius on the back and gives a small smile of
reassurance. Once he’s with them, it’s like they’re all strangers despite being of the same
blood. It’s eerie.

“James!”

He turns, seeing his mum and dad speed-walking towards him. In a second his fears wash
away into the concrete below. It’s like being bathed in sunlight.

James is wrapped up in a big embrace, his dad ruffling his already-messy hair. He pulls back
and his mum tries to tidy it up. He never paid much attention to it, but he notices their own
graying hair now. It’s almost always been that way, but it’s more obvious with his long
absences.

“Merlin, it’s like everytime I see you, you’ve grown another head!” Fleamont takes him by
the shoulders and examines him with squinty eyes. “Effie, stand next to him.”

She rolls her eyes lovingly, standing beside James’ shy stance and finding that they’re equal.
“Oh, wow,” she hums, clearly impressed. “Won’t be long until you’re matched with your dad,
you’re not even fourteen yet! Growing up too fast, you were just a little tot yesterday.”

“Mum, c’mon,” he whines while she pulls him into another hug. He accepts it very willingly.
“Alright, alright. Home?”
“Yes, we’ve got lots to do!” His dad takes Tally from him and they start their way home.
“Much to do, much to do…”

———

The second Regulus got off the train, he could see the look of disappointment in Walburga’s
eyes. He knew it would be there, but it makes his nerves flare nonetheless. That’s the look
she gives Sirius, he will not let it continue to be directed at him, too.

He doesn’t look at Sirius and Sirius doesn’t look at him. He hardly wants to, not after last
week. There was no reason for his brother to do that to him, putting a memory like that back
in his head. The next time he could think properly that day was in the middle of dinner.

The time loss worries him, and he wonders if it’s been going on for longer than he first
thought. Could it be that the incident with Rosier wasn’t the first time? Regulus despises not
knowing. Missing even a second of conscious time feels like dying.

His mother apparates them home, and for once, she regards Regulus first. Sirius is gladly
hurrying away from her upstairs while he has to stand in the foyer with her looking down at
him. She knows.

Walburga purses her lips. “Three weeks ago I received news from the Rosier family that you
assaulted their son. Do I take their word for it?”

It feels like a trick question. Regulus holds her stare. “He insulted our family and provoked
me,” he says. “I think I could have handled it better, properly, as you would say, but he said
we grovel. That we’re ‘stupid’ and ‘prissy’. I felt…at the time, it was the right thing to do.”

She actually seems to take this into consideration, and Regulus’ heart flutters. Perhaps he’ll
be let off the hook, it’s not like this family is above violence when necessary.

After a long minute of silence, she sternly says, “So you’re telling me he lied?”

Regulus nods. “Yes. He’s been known to.”

“You would let me check then?”

No.

A flash of fear courses through his body, but he doesn’t let it show. Not a stutter in his breath,
not a tremble of his hand, nor a hesitant blink is made by him. There is nothing to his
expression that looks like he’s just been asked for his mind.

He can’t remember the last time she did this, hopefully it was just because he was young and
not due to his time loss. But he knows the feeling. Poking and prodding through memories,
working through his inner thoughts and emotions.
Alter it, he thinks. Only, he doesn’t know how, he’s only been studying Occlumency for a
week. Perhaps not alter it, just block things out. Walburga cannot know the real reason he
punched Evan Rosier.

Because it wasn’t for him saying things about the family. Regulus punched Evan for knowing
about his nightmares.

“Yes.”

Don’t let her see it.

They’ve been holding eye contact, but it’s like she’s not just looking at him anymore, but
through him. He can feel it, that act of sifting through his mind to find what she wants.
Regulus winces, it’s just wrong, the feeling is wrong.

It’s an explosion of every thought he’s had, and he tries hard to block it out, he does. His fight
with Sirius, she won’t access that. Regulus is not going to throw her out, he couldn’t if he
tried, but he could put up a weak fence as a deterrent. That memory isn’t what she’s in here
for anyway.

It hits like being stabbed in the back of the head, and Regulus groans as his head spins,
sending him back to three weeks ago.

Don’t let her see.

Evan roughly turns him by the shoulder. Regulus flinches out of his touch.

“Don’t you touch me,” He threatens quietly.

“No, I’m telling you that you are an asshole, Regulus.” Rosier points a finger near his chest.
“You and your stupid prissy family, you’re all horrible!”

Regulus gives him a scrutinizing once over. “You have no right to talk about my family that
way, not with the way you act.”

He scoffs, “Don’t deflect this onto me.”

“No, I will. You hesitate over every little thing you do, looking to everyone else for the
answers, you think I haven’t noticed?” He badgers on, pushing closer. “You begged to be my
friend for months, practically groveling at my feet. We are nothing alike, our families are not
the same. We would never stoop so low.”

“Mind your business for once, why don’t you? You hate us but you watch and pick apart
every little detail you can find, and it’s weird!” Evan shouts. “I watched your mother at the
wedding—“

“Don’t speak on my mother.”

“And—“
“Look who’s deflecting now?”

“Oh, piss off, Black! Your family is so above it all and yet that wedding was a disaster for the
ages,” he starts to ramble, pushing closer to Regulus who’s quite ready to snap. “I can’t
imagine it would take much for the whole lot of you to grovel at someone’s feet either, you
awful bastard—”

His fist meets Evan’s face, right in the hollow of his cheek with a crack. He stumbles to the
ground, clutching his face and groaning.

“What the hell?!” Barty yells, the curse on his legs finally wearing off. He scrambles to his
feet, but Regulus can’t even look at him.

His eyes train on Rosier and his brain turns to cotton. Every noise is underwater, sloshing
around his skull, making him sway.

He’s still underwater.

He can’t change it.

It’s not changing.

She rips herself from his mind and Regulus chokes on air, stumbling back and clutching his
forehead. It throbs against his skull, ricocheting around every crevice until he’s backed into
the front door, clutching it for support.

His mother stares down at him panting and rapidly blinking her cold fingers out of his brain.
“Very well,” is all she says, and she leaves him like that. Regulus slowly stands upright, head
pounding.

“Does Master Regulus need Kreacher to take his belongings upstairs?”

Regulus looks down drowsily, finding the house elf beside his luggage. He doesn’t usually
ask, so it throws him off guard.

“Uh, yes, please. Thank you, Kreacher,” he breathes.

Kreacher snaps his fingers and levitates the items up the stairs. “Do not thank Kreacher, this
is the job Kreacher was assigned.”

“Then why ask?”

The elf doesn’t reply and instead begins to sweep the pristine floor. Regulus tightens his jaw
and moves past him to the stairs. There’s a noise, like quick footsteps. He stops.

A door upstairs clicks, and Regulus knows it’s Sirius’ bedroom. He crosses to the other end
of the hall, ignoring his brother and going to his own room.

That nosy prat.

 ———

The house is a mess, is the first thing he thinks once he steps through the door. Hope had
always liked keeping things tidy and presentable despite the blatant lack of visitors. Now, it’s
like his dad picked things up off the floor and onto the couches so it wouldn’t seem so bad,
but it just saddens him anyway. That was her reading spot.

Remus drops his things down in his bedroom, the house completely silent. Him and Lyall
hardly spoke on the way home, it was just pleasantries. ‘How was school?’. ‘Fine’. The like.

In a way, he wonders how his dad even made it this long by himself, it’s like the man has shut
down. He just looks hollow.

Before unpacking, he goes to have a snack in the kitchen. The sink is full of dirty dishes,
nearly spilling out. The counter is scattered with receipts, muggle and wizard money alike,
empty food containers, and little plastic things like bottle caps or other trash. It’s a mess.
Remus opens the fridge, finding three six-packs of beer, half a carton of eggs, butter, and
milk. Merlin.

Well, at least there’s a few slices of bread and a nearly empty jar of peanut spread amidst the
counter disarray. He pops the bread into the toaster and grabs the butter and peanut spread,
standing in silence as it cooks. Remus pulls a knife and plate from the stack of dishes and
washes them thoroughly. Once his toast is done, he cuts it in half and puts butter on one side
and peanut spread on the other. Better for variety, maybe it’ll be less boring.

With a groan, he goes back to the sink and picks out a used glass cup, also washing that
thoroughly. He fills it with water.

Remus shifts the pile of things left on the table and sits with his shitty sandwich and
lukewarm tap water.

This is exhausting already.

He misses his mum.

“Hey, I’m heading to work now,” Lyall says, coming out of his bedroom with combed hair
and wrinkled clothes. “You’ll be alright here by yourself?”

Remus nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay, see you tonight, son.”

“Yeah.”

And he’s alone.

It’s like he can feel every grain of bread on his tongue, it makes for a rather unappetizing
meal. Once he finishes, he looks around and groans again in annoyance. It’s hard to even
look at. Remus pushes himself up and gets to work.

Every dish is scrubbed first, it takes over an hour and his back and shoulders ache by the end
of it. It leaves them without any dish soap, so maybe he could go buy some. But the sink is
empty, and that’s a start.

Next comes the living room, which is full of food containers from takeout and clothes all
over the seating other than Lyall’s chair. Remus gets one of the washing baskets from a
storage closet and throws every piece of clothing he can find in it. Once it fills, he gets
another. He has no idea how to do the laundry, but there’s probably a book on it somewhere.
That, or he finds out how to do it with magic.

The rubbish is easy, just throw out whatever’s used up and obviously belongs in the bin. The
counters are swiped, washed, dried. The whole lot.

Four hours in, Remus finds himself dusting for Merlin’s sake. He thinks he’s having a break
or something, he hardly ever cleans like this. Something about his mother’s house being
completely undone by his dad’s grief has awoken something in him. He knows it’s not done
out of malice when he sees the evidence of Lyall still only sleeping on his side of the bed.
Hope’s is untouched.

In the fifth hour, he takes out all the trash and tosses it into one of the larger bins where
someone will hopefully dispose of it. He lays down for about thirty minutes afterwards, the
aching in his muscles getting overwhelming.

Eventually, he gets back up and looks around the house with a proud smile. It looks the way
it did when he left, he can even see her framed pictures on the end tables in the living room.
The linoleum floors still need to be mopped, but that might kill him.

The house is still his for the next three hours, what’s he to do?

Remus clicks his tongue as he glances around, eyes landing on the television. That’s new, it’s
this wood box with round knobs and a white convex slab of glass. He knows what a
television is, but he’s never had one before.

He crouches down before it and taps the glass a couple times, turning his attention to the little
knobs and switches. He flicks one of them and the thing starts to make a loud scratching
noise while the glass lights up. It’s all flashy and sort of hurts his eyes to look at.

Well, that can’t be right. Remus hums in concentration, turning the top knob a few clicks
over. This can’t be what muggles think is easier to understand than magic.

“Oh!” He smiles as something comes up, a big globe that says BBC TV. Remus sits knees
pressed to his chest half a meter from the screen as the picture changes—but with sound,
which is pretty cool.

It ends up being this program called ‘Are You Being Served?’ and it’s actually quite funny.
 He likes this one character in particular, a silly man named Mr. Humphries. His hair looks
white—although everything lacks color—and he walks like he’s got heels on. He doesn’t, of
course, but he’s flamboyant and honestly the funniest one there. He walks in like he owns the
store (he doesn’t), talks about his handbag getting stuck in an elevator, then sweet talks one
of the men at work. Remus chuckles, resting his chin in his hand as the whole thing plays
out.

It’s fairly obvious what he’s meant to be, though it doesn’t seem to be said out loud. The
other characters on the show work around him like it’s nothing. They don’t make fun of him,
in fact, they’ll play off of his jokes even when he’s fairly ‘ladylike’.

In between his giggles, he can’t help the tightness in his throat.

Once the episode ends, Remus flicks off the telly and sits in silence for a minute. It’s just a
comedy show. He shouldn’t feel so strange.

Remus shakes his head out of it, instead he gets up and sits where his mum used to read. The
last time he did this she was here, and she held him while he convinced her to go to the
doctor.

Curling into a ball, all that work he did finally gets to him. Slowly, he drifts off in her spot.

When he dreams, it’s not of that thing, but rather just a feeling. On day one hundred and ten,
Remus doesn’t dream of a hospital. It’s warm.

And when he wakes, the moon is high in the sky and he’s under the covers of his bed. Remus
turns over and rubs his eyes, catching sight of a note on his end table.

Thank you.

- Dad

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: there’s abuse but not in a very physical sense, mentions of death

We’re close to some big stuff for certain characters, but a big one here was James! Look
who finally figured it out, it was in record time considering how long it takes everyone
else to figure their own shit out. Sorry, anyway. I hope you enjoyed!
 Third Year: Fancy a Holiday?
Chapter Summary

Feelings, feelings, feelings

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

DECEMBER 23, 1973

Is Lily’s life perfect? No, definitely not.

Does this make her feel like it could be? Yes.

They’re in Mary’s house, and Lily’s flat on her back with the other hovering over her
pressing kisses against her lips through giggles.

It’s snowing out, so there’s nowhere to go, really. Lily came over and very, very reluctantly
decided to stay in for the day. Such as, ‘Do you want to stay in—‘ ‘Yes.’

So now she’s here on Mary’s bed, and her parents are downstairs. It’s not a big deal, it isn’t
like snogging makes a load of noise, and they’ve been at this for—what? Twenty minutes?
They’re fine.

The nameless secret is a great idea, Lily gets to kiss Mary and neither has to say a word about
it to anyone else. They can sleep in the same bed and it’s okay because they’re just close
friends. It’s fun. Everyone always knows too much about her. Let her have this.

Mary pulls back suddenly, face still so close she can feel her breathing. Her head is angled
towards the door. “Hang on, I think…”

Lily hears it too, the slight creaking of someone going up the stairs. “Up up up!” She hisses,
and Mary scrambles back a couple feet. “Start talking.”

Mary complies immediately, face breaking out into a grin. “And then I told her that it was
ridiculous! I mean, who wears their socks inside out on purpose?”
She giggles, curling into herself. She’s got to hand it to Mary for coming up with whatever on
the spot. “No, it looked so silly, you’re in the right here.”

“Yeah, she tried to tell me I was being ‘judgmental’, it’s not judgmental, it’s sane!”

There’s a slight knock at the door.

Mary answers, “Yeah?”

It opens, and her dad’s pops his head in. He’s an average height with coily hair, more like
Dorcas’ than Mary’s. “Hey, just checking in, you girls alright?” He asks.

“Yeah, we’re doing great,” Lily smiles sweetly. “Thanks for letting me come over, Mr.
Macdonald.”

He waves a hand humbly. “Oh, no need for pleasantries, you’re always welcome. There’s
some snacks downstairs if you need them.”

“Oookay, Dad,” Mary drags, rocking on her knees. “Thanks for checking in, we’re good
though!”

With a smile, he starts to back away. “Alright, just let me know if there’s anything you need,”
he says kindly.

The door closes, and they wait in silence for the footsteps to move far away. Lily and Mary
glance at each other and break out into a fit of giggles.

“Inside out socks?” She spouts between laughs.

Mary shrugs in her defense. “It was the first thing I thought of!”

“Smart, really. Weirdly believable. I’d probably believe it.”

“We’re quite good at acting, aren’t we?”

Lily hums, scooting closer on the bed and sitting on her knees so she’s got a little height on
Mary. “Quite,” she mumbles. Lily reaches out and places a hand on her cheek. “You looked
annoyed with him, though, it was funny.”

Mary pouts, rolling her eyes despite the flush on her face. “He was interrupting,” she says
quietly.

“Yeah…” Lily whispers. “Oughta get back to it.”

“Mm, you’re killing me, y’know.”

“Oh god, I hope not,” she says without any kind of seriousness. “Can’t have that.”

Mary chuckles, pressing closer to bring her into another deep kiss that makes her insides
squirm.
Lily appears in her living room through heatless green flames and stretches her arms up with
a smile. It’s close to dinner time and her mum said to be back by then, so fine. She can do
that.

It’s pretty empty in here, though. The lights are on but it seems like no one’s home.

With a shrug, she goes upstairs, taking down her hair on the way. Lily combs through it with
her fingers, stopping in her tracks once she hears a pair of voices. Her sister and her mum’s,
more precisely.

Being the nosy person she is, she tiptoes over to Petunia’s room and presses her back and ear
against the wall.

“—treat her so differently than me!” Is the first thing she hears from Petunia. It’s shrill. “You
know it!”

Her mum scoffs. “Don’t raise your voice at me, and I do not!”

“I have to ask permission to go places, she can just whisk herself away with her freakish
magic without asking. That isn’t fair!”

“Darling, I don’t have a clue how it works. But Lily’s responsible and away from home all of
the time anyway. I don’t see a point.”

Petunia groans loudly. “Of course you don’t. I remember what you said the day she got that
blasted letter. You called her a blessing of God! As if witchcraft is anything blessed. You go
to Church with a witch for a daughter!”

“It isn’t her fault she’s special, Petunia, you know that.”

“And I’m not?!”

There’s a long pause before a quieter, “Darling, I don’t mean it like that. You’re special in
your own way.”

“That doesn’t even mean anything!”

“It does, and you better stop throwing a tantrum about it. You’re nearly sixteen, Petunia! You
can’t act like this anymore.”

Petunia makes a noise, frustrated and angry. “I can, and I will. She’s not here ninety percent
of the year and there are more pictures of her on the mantle than me. I was born first, I’m
always here! How do you think that makes me feel?”

“Well, I hardly noticed that,” she laughs. “Is this what this is about? I’ll put more pictures up
then. Will that make you feel better?”

“No.”
“Well, I don’t know what you want me to do, then.”

“Leave!”

Lily backs away quickly, rushing to her room in silence, good mood soiled. There’s
something in her that wants to go to Petunia and tell her she’s sorry even though she can’t
control what she is or what her parents do. There wouldn’t be much else to say, they hardly
know each other, but maybe it would be something. Then again, that would mean admitting
she was listening. Her sister would likely hate her even more if she did that.

She pulls her shoes off and sits on the edge of her bed, unsure of what to do or say. Could she
talk to her mum? What could she even change? What would she even say, first of all? Hey
mum, I know I’m the favorite. Stop?

Her sister isn’t a great person, but she deserves more than she’s been getting.

———

DECEMBER 24, 1973

It’s Christmas Eve, and James is sitting on the edge of his bed in silence. He taps his feet on
the ground just to fidget, but there’s a lot in his mind to think about.

Hopefully Sirius is okay, it must be hard for Remus to be back home, Peter’s coming over in a
couple days, apparently I fancy Lily Evans, it’s Christmas so why am I up here?

James doesn’t move from that spot for a while, spacing out in thought. His mum and dad are
downstairs laughing. He should join them.

He’s fine, of course. It’s just overwhelming having so many thoughts and having nowhere to
put them.

A knock sounds on his door, taking him out of his head.

“Yeah?”

The door opens to his smiling dad. “Hey, dinner’s ready soon, you wanna pop downstairs for
some of the finishing touches?”

James hesitates. “Uh…maybe I could just come down when it’s finished.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he says quickly. “Just thinking.”

Monty nods, entering the room and closing the door behind him. “About?”

So much.

James bites his tongue, choosing the easiest of them all to talk about with your dad, strangely
enough. “Well,” he starts, eyebrows furrowed. “How’d you know you liked mum?”

His dad’s eyes light up and he slowly sits down beside James with a smile. “Why d’you
wanna know?”

“Oh, y’know…things.”

“Things like…?”

He grumbles, face feeling hot all of a sudden. “My friends all think I…fancy this girl,” James
mutters.

Monty hums. “Well, you are at that age it’d be pretty normal. Do you?”

“I dunno, maybe,” he shrugs. “So…I wanted to know how you knew.”

“Well, that might be different, she is my wife,” he notes, nudging James with an elbow.
“But…I actually liked Effie in school.”

James’ eyes widen. “Really?”

“Mhm. She had a couple years on me though, she hardly knew I existed. We weren’t even in
the same house. I don’t think I’d count that, it was more like I thought she was cool and
pretty. Didn’t know a thing about her.”

He chuckles, trying to imagine his own dad as some Gryffindor fifth year crushing on his
seventh year Hufflepuff mum.

“I was thirty-three the next time we found each other. But even then it was all friendly, I
pretended I had no idea who she was. I knew I liked her when a year after that we had a little
too much to drink one night—and do not take that as endorsement—“

James raises his hands with a giggle.

“—and I looked at her and thought ‘wow’. We were under the moonlight and her eyes were
just sparkling, y’know. It wasn’t even all about her looks, though they’re killer, really. Your
mother is brilliant, and funny, and so caring, that I really did just think ‘wow!’. And all those
little kid feelings just came back to me.”

As his dad tells the story, it’s like there’s a tugging on James’ heart. All he can think is ‘uh
oh’. He starts to play with his hands, feeling all sorts of ‘uh oh’ in his bones.

“James?”

He looks up at Fleamont, who’s watching him with an amused expression. “Yeah?”

“Who’s the girl, then?”

James pulls his lips inwards, tapping his feet on the ground incessantly. “Um…well her
name’s Lily. Lily Evans.”

He keeps getting stared at and embarrassment begins to seep in. Not embarrassment because
it’s Lily, but that he’s admitting this to his dad.

“She’s muggleborn?”

“Yeah,” he says softly. “Why?”

“No, nothing. That’s great,” his dad smiles, and he means it. “How is she?”

James simpers, glancing down at his hands. “She’s good…”

Monty laughs heartily. “Well, you’re gonna need to give me more than that for a fair
assessment. Why do you think you like her?”

He can’t exactly say ‘one time she slapped me and another time she petrified a teacher for
me’. So…he tries to make all of that into something else.

“She’s bold, really bold. Like, she stands up for people when she needs to. Which means
she’s also really brave then…and she’s clever. Oh, definitely clever. Top of our class, pretty
much. She’s also the best in Potions by far, it’s like she knows every little intricacy even
though she’s only been in our world for a couple years. I dunno how she does it! I mean, she
works really hard for it too. Half the time I see her in her study pair with my friend, Remus.

“Lily’s definitely stubborn, too, big into control, yeah,” he laughs. “Not having it frustrates
her, I’ve noticed, believe me. She’s got this hair too, Dad, I swear, I’ve never seen anything
like it. It’s like fire. Oh, and her eyes, it’s ridiculous. Emerald green. Figured out I like poking
at her cause she’ll roll them at me, that was an interesting discovery. And on top of that, she
has freckles, too! They’re sort of faint and you kinda have to get up close to see them, so I
don’t really ever get that chance, but—“

James realizes he’s been rambling for a while now, and glances over at his dad with a mouth
frozen mid speech. Fleamont has a specific look in his eyes he can’t even begin to dissect. It’s
soft and knowing, so much so that James goes red in the face.

“Um…” he stammers. “I fancy her, don’t I?”

His dad chuckles, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Might just,” he says. “Do you
think she could fancy you too?”

“Oh, no. Definitely not.”

“What?” He questions in disbelief. “How come?”

James sighs. “I don’t know if she likes me very much.”

His dad pulls back, an incredulous look on his face. “Oh, come on, that’s ridiculous. Why do
you say that?”

He shrugs shyly. “Well, how do you think I could…y’know…make her fancy me?”

“Well, that’s your first mistake,” he corrects. “You don’t make her fancy you. One thing I will
say though, try and catch her attention. If you never make yourself seen, how’s a girl meant
to spot you out?”

James nods slowly, taking it in. He feels like he’s been getting her attention enough, does he
need to do more? Well, look at his mum and dad, they’ve been doing fantastic for years. He
knows what he’s talking about.

“And then what?” He asks.

Fleamont shrugs. “You wait. See if anything happens. If you think she’s interested, ask her
out.”

“But what if she says no?”

“Keep waiting or just…move on. It happens. You’re young, James.”

He sighs. “I know…So basically I just have to get her attention?”

“Pretty much.”

James continues to nod, hatching up about fifty ways he could do that. “I’m fairly good at
getting attention, y’know.”

His dad chuckles, getting up to his feet. “Believe me, I know. I’m sure dinner’s about ready
now, I wanted to contribute a bit more, but Effie kept slapping my hands away.”

James follows after his dad with a laugh, saying, “You married a picky woman! That’s your
fault.”

“Yes, it most definitely is.”

———

DECEMBER 26, 1973

Remus lounges out on his dad’s recliner, legs propped up on the little footrest with a bowl of
popcorn in his lap. There’s absolutely nothing to do but eat, watch the telly and go to the
shops, so he’s been doing just that. The kitchen’s fairly stocked up after many solo trips to
corner shops via Floo Network. There’s always his mum he could visit, but he can’t bring
himself back to her stone yet. It’s been months, but it’s still too soon.

It didn’t take him long to realize he’s sort of taken over his mum’s old routine. He
understands why the house used to be so clean, being alone all day just bores you out. Might
as well dust the shelving for the tenth time.

The only human interaction he really gets is his dad, cashiers, and letters from owls. James
and Peter are meant to be hanging out today, according to them. He never got an invite.
Maybe they thought he’d be too busy sulking about his dead mother to hang out after
Christmas. And sure, okay, Remus isn’t great, but he’s doing better for the most part.

Yesterday, he and Lyall watched some Christmas programs together. It was the longest
amount of time they’ve spent in the same room since July, so it was nice to just exist for a
few hours even if it was mostly in silence. Apparently, he’d gotten the TV in October for
background noise and something to do while he’s alone. Which is…pretty much always.

He gets it though, this thing is fun. Remus doesn’t have a clue how it works, it’s plugged into
their wall and apparently that means something. If Hope hadn’t distanced herself from the
muggle world so much, maybe he’d understand. He used to wonder why she did that, but
there’s a good chance he won’t get to find out.

Despite his frequent contact with his dad, James, and Peter; Remus’ thoughts have had a
tendency to be on someone else. Perhaps that’s because of the lack of contact. Thinking
about him since he isn’t here, that’s funny.

Remus can’t remember the first time he thought it, but he’s been wanting to get Sirius a
present for a long time. A real one, too, not just a silly drawing—even if Sirius really
appreciates them for some odd reason.

It would be like a ‘thank you’ for everything he’s done for him the past year, because really,
he wouldn’t know where to start. Sirius was certainly not his first friend here, but he’s
changed him the most by far. Inside and out, Remus believes. Being the first person other
than his parents to say he knows and that it’s okay, staying by his side after the moons, doing
everything he can to help him…really, Remus needs to go big for a present.

But that’s the problem, Sirius is rich. And not just rich like James is, he is filled to the brim
with wealth passed on through maybe fifty generations. Remus, on the other hand, has a one
story home in the middle of nowhere with outdated everything. His dad has a good job, yeah,
but his wolfish tendencies find a way to drain most of what they have. In his mind, there’s
very little within a fair budget that could make Sirius understand his gratitude.

Remus blinks, realizing he’s been spaced out for a while and a new show is on. He doesn’t
even know what this is. The bowl gets placed behind him on the recliner and he scrambles
over to flick the switch off. No point in wasting electricity.

Anyway, he stretches his arms up with a groan, glancing out the window at the bright blue
sky. He could go somewhere, see what happens.
Back to some shops, perhaps. But then he’ll need money.

Remus checks through drawers for cash, coming up with a few quid and a handful of coins.
Well, that’s going to get him nothing. He digs under the couches, in the couches, in the
kitchen, wherever else, and still draws fairly short. Thirty quid isn’t bad, but for a present?

He stuffs all the coins and paper notes into his pockets and throws his mum’s jumper on. And
a jacket on top. And a scarf. And boots. And gloves and a hat. He gets cold easily. No
judgment allowed.

Remus waddles on over to the fireplace, grabs a handful of powder and sets himself alight.

He winds up in one of the wizard shops of a muggle corner, but there must be some charm on
it because no muggles come in here. He brushes himself down from the ash and steps out,
leaving the building without bothering to look around. It’s not what he’s here for.

Actually, now that he looks back on the shop, it sort of feels like he forgets it’s there at all. As
if it just blends in.

The streets are fairly busy, it’s Boxing Day after all. Families and kids and lovers and
whoever else seem to have the same shopping idea as him.

There are plenty of watchful side glances at him and the couple of scars on his face, but if he
wasn’t used to that by now he’d be a fool.

Seeing all of these people makes him want someone to be here by his side. Maybe if things
were better, he could come here with Sirius. Or anyone else, of course.

But if he were to be with Sirius, what would his friend be drawn to? Remus scours the shops,
eyes landing on a clothing display. Would he like that? Or is that just stupid because he has
clothes already? He doubts he can afford anything up to his standards with thirty quid.

Andromeda bought him that jacket, the really nice leather jacket that Sirius can’t stop
wearing now. It’s become like his skin, and he never mentions it, it just gets thrown on now.
And that’s fine, it’s a nice jacket. Well, of course it’s a nice jacket, it was probably the price
of a car.

He huffs a breath—which looks like smoke as he exhales—and continues on. There’s a little
bakery, but he’s not buying him a tart or anything, that’s stupid.

Next is this record shop, and it’s like a lightbulb has exploded in his brain.

“Oh!” He exclaims aloud, opening the door with a tiny bell dinging overhead. Remus lightly
kicks the snow off his boots and looks around, totally out of his element.

Maybe Lily would know how to handle this, there’s just so much stuff. Lots of people too;
flipping through those folders, sitting in booths with this sort of box thing, or just chatting.
Remus blinks, slowly inching his way in.
He starts to sort through the folders too, they’ve got pictures on them like the one Sirius got
back in first year. In fact, he finds a whole section of just The Beatles, so they must be pretty
popular.

“Hello, young man, looking for anything in particular?” A woman’s voice at his side asks
brightly.

Remus looks over at her. Black hair, leather jacket, a few inches on him in height. If he didn’t
see her face, he could’ve assumed she was Sirius. There’s a little nameplate on her jacket that
says ‘Penny’. She must work here, she hardly looks like a Penny though, more like Dark
Abyss.

“Uh…” He mumbles, glancing between her and the beetle blokes. “No. I’m okay.”

“Alright!” Penny smiles, starting to walk away. “Let me know if you need anything.”

It takes him a moment to realize he has no idea what the hell he’s doing. Is he stupid?

“Actually—!” Remus calls, face red. “I think I do, yeah.”

She nods, making her way back over. “What’s it then?”

“Um, you know those boxes?”

“…Sorry?”

Remus shapes his hands to mimic holding a box. “Like the one you put the disc on and it
plays the music,” he says.

Penny looks like she’s holding in a laugh, which definitely helps with his embarrassment.
“D’you mean a record player?”

“…Yes. Yes of course, the name slipped my mind…” he chuckles stiffly. Remus clears his
throat, saying, “Where would I get one of those? Do they cost a lot?”

“Mm, depends on the model. How much are you willing to give up?”

Remus scratches at the back of his neck. “Thirty quid?”

Her drawn on brows shoot up then promptly go into concentration mode. “You still want
decent quality I’m assuming. Is this for you or someone else?”

“A friend. It’s a present.”

“Ah, best get decent quality. Follow me…?” She trails off, maybe implying she wants his
name.

“Remus,” he tells her.

Penny nods. “Follow me, Remus! Interesting name, you got a brother?”
“No?”

“Damn. Would’ve been funny.”

Remus has no idea what she means by that, but follows her up to an array of the record
players on shelves.

She lifts up a wooden one with a big circle in the center, but most of them look like that. “So,
this one here’s a Garrard SP25, came out a little while ago so it’s an older model. But that’s
not a bad thing, she’s built to last and probably has the best sound for a good price. How’s
that?”

Remus blinks. “Uh, yeah. Sounds good. I think. How much is it?”

“Well, it is Boxing Day,” Penny considers. “I could pretend it’s on sale and sell it for twenty-
one quid since it’s also a gift and you’re young…Christmas spirit and all.”

“Would you really do that?” He asks hopefully.

She shrugs. “Yeah, why not? Make enough money in here, a tenner lost isn’t gonna do
anything. You’ve got it on you, then?”

Remus pulls every note from his pocket, some of the coins landing on the carpet below.
“Yes.”

Penny nods slowly, an amused look on her face. “Alright. Um. So we do need to go to the
front desk so I can box it up. And so I can put the money somewhere,” she explains in an
overly kind customer service voice.

Oh, Godric, he’s so unbelievably embarrassing. He picks all of his coins off the floor with a
hot red face and finally purchases the stupid special box record player .

“Okay, you’re good to go, Remus,” she smiles, handing a big gift bag over the counter.
“Happy Christmas or New Years, both of ‘em I spose. Hope your friend likes it!”

Shit, imagine if he doesn’t? Remus didn’t consider that.

“Yes, definitely, I also hope for that. Uh, happy Christmas and New Years to you too!”

He rushes out of the shop running a hand down his face. Merlin, he forgot his lack of ability
to interact with strangers. They’re just difficult. He never knows what to say, especially to
muggles.

Not to mention the fact that she had a cool look to her, it made him…nervous. He wanted to
compliment her jacket since it looked a little like Sirius’s only with pins and studs. Her hair
too, it was a bit longer than Sirius’s, but still nice anyway.

Remus floos back home, arms beginning to strain under the weight. The sun is starting to set
now, so his dad will be home in an hour or so. In the meantime, he puts the gift bag down in
his room and slumps back onto the bed.
 The silence really does get to a person.

Maybe he could sit in his thoughts. Pretend his mum is in the other room prepping dinner.

Twenty minutes in, he starts to understand why Lyall began to let the house fall into disarray,
why he bought a TV. It really is unbearable.

Maybe James and Peter are having loads of fun right now, eating dinner in a big house with
his parents who are both alive and speak to him like a best friend. He bets there are lights up
like the ones outside the shops, all green and red. They could have a big tree with more lights
around it. And there’s a good chance James woke up to a pile of gifts yesterday.

Selfishly, he’s glad Sirius understands him to an extent. His parents are alive, but they don’t
like him very much and they don’t celebrate anything. They suck the life out of things like a
black hole, and every time Sirius goes there it’s like he gains and loses something at the same
time. He doesn’t want him hurt, and he’d hate himself for ever thinking that because Sirius
would never think that for him. Their situations are nothing alike, but he gets pain. They get
it.

He’s had a hard time not thinking about that night they snuck out to Hogsmeade. When Sirius
hadn’t looked at the shack like it was something to be in awe or scared of. It’s not a tourist
attraction, it’s where Remus is in pain, looking at this intimate part of his life that he’s
ashamed of. And he got it.

Sirius may not believe it, but he’s so good. He has been so good to him he almost feels sick
with it. It’s like there’s been a swelling balloon in his chest and someone’s been slowly
pumping it with air since the day Sirius admitted he knew his condition. Like that time he
took him out of a nightmare and was haloed by the sun, Remus nearly forgot about the
wound in his chest.

The level of appreciation for his friend is insurmountable, and he feels like even just this
present isn’t enough. There’s nothing more he can give him, but he wants to give more. He’d
draw a thousand pictures if it meant Sirius would keep being this good to him.

Suddenly he’s almost giddy with excitement to get back and give the gift to him. Making
Sirius happy after he’s had to be in that shithole this week sounds like a spectacular idea.
He’ll do it during dinner by asking him to stay behind for a couple minutes while James and
Peter go eat.

Yes, that sounds good. Perfect. Brilliant, even.

———

Chapter End Notes

A surprisingly sweet chapter woww love these, Remus is so cutesy here. This chapter I
think marks the start of lots of things for everybody, the next half of this year is gonna
be a huge switch up for just about all of them! This can be in a good or bad way, you’re
just gonna have to find out :)
 Third Year: Oh
Chapter Summary

Close, but no cigar

Chapter Notes

Words: 6.7k

Somehow this became the longest chapter... Enjoy!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JANUARY 4, 1974

“Hey, Remus,” Lyall says, making Remus stop from getting on the train and turn back. He’s
made sure he’s here early to bring his gift in discreetly. “You deserve more of a thank you
than on a sticky note. I let the place go to shit, so I really do appreciate your help around the
house.”

His dad gives a small smile, patting him on the shoulder. Remus returns it. “It was no
problem,” he replies, even if it’s not entirely the truth. “I’ll see you in July.”

“Yeah,” he sighs, a sad look on his face. “Be safe, okay?”

There’s no point in saying it just as there wasn’t the last time they did this, but he nods
anyway. They don’t hug, and Remus boards the train, one of the first on.

He lugs his things all the way to their compartment at the end and carefully pushes the
wrapped record player beneath the seats. The gift bag isn’t so obvious now, his dad helped
put it in a regular cardboard box.

His bag then goes up in the storage, obviously. Remus sits. And he waits.

The first one in is Peter, who waddles in with more baggage than he left with. “Hey!”

“Hi, Peter,” he smiles. “How was your holiday?”

“It was brilliant!” Peter exclaims. He sits beside him and starts to ramble all about his family
and what they did for Christmas. Then he gets to his day with James and there’s that twinge
of jealousy in him again, but he just smiles and nods along. Peter doesn’t ask about his
holiday.

The next to nearly tumble their way in is James. He’s got new glasses, the same rectangular
shape with thinner frames. He sits across Remus, putting Tally to his left and sitting like he’s
about to explode.

“I’ll say holiday was good then?” Remus says with an amused brow raise.

James nods quickly with his feet tapping on the floor incessantly. His lips are pulled into a
tight but shy smile. “Yeah…”

Peter sighs. “You are so lucky you weren’t there that day, he kept going on about Evans this,
Evans that.”

“Oh!” He guffaws, blinking at James confusedly. “So you’re…you’ve come to terms?”

Before James can answer, the door slides open once more to a particularly sly looking Sirius.
Remus feels a weight off his shoulders, he looks good, healthy, not sad or scowling like he
usually is after a holiday. He’s also wearing the leather jacket again. With a smug grin, he sits
beside James and crosses his arms behind his head.

“Lads, I’m the best,” he says.

James scoffs a laugh. “You look…happy?”

Sirius hums in agreement. “Guess who got to sit at the dinner table? This guy,” he boasts,
pointing a finger at himself.

Remus chuckles, because that hardly seems like a thing to be so happy about. He shifts his
feet in front of the box under his seat just so there’s less of a chance of him noticing it.

Observing Sirius now, it’s obvious his hair has grown out to where it was before his mother
cut it in second year. Some strands land over his forehead while the rest curls around the
middle of his neck and it’s so him. The old style definitely didn’t look bad, and even Sirius
knew that. But this is much more his look.

“And you know what?” Sirius continues. “They weren’t even that mad at me this time. Orion
asked me to pass the salt, he doesn’t need to do that, he’s a bloody wizard! Just wanted to talk
to me, I bet.”

James has this look on his face like he’s hesitant to speak for once. Maybe it has something to
do with that being the absolute bare minimum. Or that it’s not the first time his parents
treated him with some respect just to rip it away the next time he showed up.

Remus decides to speak instead, going against the strange nerves in his body. “You’re doing
good, then?” He asks sincerely.
Sirius finally looks at him and smiles, shrugging like he doesn’t even know. “Maybe! My
brother kept Walburga pretty occupied, which was a little scary, but the house was quiet. So I
didn’t have to step in nor deal with either of them. I think I won.”

“He’s alright?” James concerns.

“Um, he seemed fine during meals. Didn’t see him otherwise,” Sirius mutters, voice
lowering. He perks back up. “Well, anyway! It was all fine. You lot?”

The train starts up, the engine loud and brash against his ears as it begins to chug away.
Everyone actually seems to be doing fairly good for once, which sounds so ridiculous once
he thinks it. The problem is usually him, or Sirius, or both of them bringing the mood down.
Not today, though.

Remus probably feels the best he’s been in months and he has no idea why. Maybe visiting
home helped?

He’s still not been asked how his break was, which doesn’t really bother him. They probably
think he just sat around and sulked. Hell no. Remus got busy. He learned how to do laundry,
use a television, shop at muggle stores…he only sulked a little bit.

He doesn’t think that makes him a bad person. Hope wouldn’t have wanted him to be down
all the time, even if he often is. It felt wrong being that way in her home. His dad must not
share that sentiment.

The ride is fun, they don’t do anything outlandish and stick to themselves to chat away. He
loves doing the harmless jokes, but he loves this even more. It’s just so normal. He can’t
explain it.

The train pulls to a stop and Remus waits patiently for the others to get their things first and
leave.

Remus lugs a couple bags over his shoulder and places the box in his arms, struggling a little
under all the weight.

“Blimey, that’s more than you left with,” Sirius comments, shuffling back in the room. “You
need help? I’ve only got one bag.”

He goes wide eyed, glancing between the present currently only a few feet from the future
receiver. “Um…” Remus says stupidly, spinning around to let him grab one of them off his
back. “One of these?”

Sirius chuckles, stepping in close to pull the bag’s strap off his left shoulder. Remus rolls the
socket out in relief. “Yeah, there you go. Now, off we go!”

Remus lets out a slow breath, following after him after a moment. He knows he offered the
bag up, but Sirius really needs to learn personal space. Like how during that one Divination
class he was constantly getting up in his face to mutter stupid little things to him. He doesn’t
think Sirius realized how…hm. He’s caught on the word. He wasn’t being annoying.
Certainly not. Remus was just…ruffled.

They get back inside the castle, their belongings being brought up before the welcoming
feast. Once they’re in the room and unpacking, Remus feels a spike in his heartbeat like it’s
beating in his throat. They’ll be going to dinner soon, which means he needs to tell Sirius to
stay behind. And that means he has to give the present, too.

He can do that. He’s given Sirius gifts plenty of times. Chocolate Frogs and drawings, the
like. This is just much bigger, or at least it feels that way.

“Alright,” James sighs, stretching his arms out. “Dinner, anyone?”

“Coming!” Peter calls from the bathroom before scrambling out to meet James’ side.

Remus tries to work up the courage, but it’s like there’s a lump in his throat, he’s so stupid—

“I’m gonna meet you guys there,” Sirius says. “For the uh…”

“Oh!” James exclaims. “That thing. Yes, c’mon, Pete.”

Remus blinks quickly, getting to his feet. “Thing?” He repeats.

“Yeah!” Sirius says nervously. “You don’t mind waiting, do you?”

“Sorry?”

“Well, I’m asking you if you wanna stay back a sec.”

Oh. What? Remus frowns in confusion. That was his job. How dare he?

He sputters a weak, “Yeah, sure,” and the other two leave them alone, door closed shut.
“So…uh?”

Sirius glances over at him. “Oh, right, um…so the Thing. Well. I may have…gotten you
something.”

What?

Remus almost considers trying to slap himself in the face because he’s either lost it this time
or he’s having a strange reversed dream. This was his thing, his plan.

Wait, when did Sirius even have the time to get him something while at home?

So he voices this glaringly obvious question. “When did you have the time for that?”

“During the second Hogsmeade weekend.”

Well, that didn’t help.

“You can’t go to Hogsmeade,” Remus points out. “Sirius, I went to that weekend, you
weren’t there. I’m very confused.”

Sirius looks smug. “Well, you just didn’t see me.”

“…You stole the cloak, didn’t you?”

Giggles emerge from his chest, and honestly any of Remus’ concerns for the legality of it
disappears. “Yeah, I did…” Sirius brags with a grin. “James knew, though. I didn’t really
break the law, I paid for it!”

“How noble.”

“Quite,” he says, absolutely beaming.

Remus bites his tongue and glances at his sweeping feet. “What have you very nobley snuck
out and bought for me, then?”

The smile on Sirius’ face lowers a touch, he backs up towards his wood chest. “Okay, so…I
just thought…well, with everything—“

“Don’t spoil it, now,” he suggests as Sirius pulls out a fairly long box. It’s about the length of
the entire chest, actually.

“I’m not,” Sirius says quietly. Slowly, he hands it over, and begins to ramble as Remus opens
it. “It’s just, if you don’t like it, or think you don’t need it, I can totally just get rid of it and
we can forget this even happened. Wouldn’t mind it for a second, really.”

Remus pulls out what appears to be a case the length of his thigh with two latches on it.
Sirius continues to spew out whatever comes to his mind while Remus opens the latches, it’s
quite funny.

He crouches down so whatever’s inside won’t fall out and flips the casing open. Sirius has
clamped his mouth shut at this point because he keeps talking.

With knitted brows, Remus pulls out what essentially looks like a sleek folded up piece of
dark wood with padding on the top. Silently, he unfolds it, and he understands.

It’s a walking stick.

If anyone else were to have given him this, he thinks he might have taken offense to it. As if
they thought he was too weak to walk on his own. That’s the thing though, this is something
Sirius always noticed about him. He’s always helping him back up the stairs after a moon,
asking if his joints hurt, and showing concern if they do. Sirius has made an effort to notice
when he’s in pain. And not just on full moon days. He does it all the time, and he means it.

There’s that feeling in his chest again, that balloon and the swelling. It’s getting worse, like
he’s no longer being filled with oxygen but instead helium, and it’s dizzying.
Sirius has essentially gifted him a physical representation of how much he cares. Fuck,
Remus’ present is nothing now compared to this.

He glances up to Sirius with wet eyes and a deep frown, and this sets him off on another
ramble. Remus looks at him and he just wants—

“Look, Remus, you really don’t need to keep it if you don’t like it, I just thought because of
how you’re in pain so often that it could help. But really, if I made you uncomfortable or
something just let me know, because seriously, it’s—“

Remus surges forward and wraps his arms around him with such a force that Sirius stumbles
back. He’s stiff under his hold for a moment, but Remus can feel his heartbeat pressed close
to his chest. There’s a featherlight touch ghosting his back. It’s hesitant.

He hardly cares about that. He can’t even think, if he’s honest. Remus is enveloped around
the back of his neck like a lifeline.

Him and Sirius have never hugged before, not once. Not a single time in three years has
Remus ever known what it feels like to hug his closest friend. The moment Sirius’ hands
come up to fully hold him back, he realizes he could’ve had this for months now. Years, even.

That realization hardly helps the heaviness of his chest or the way he wants to stay like this
until someone has to force them apart. He’s warmer than he expected, and gentle in a way he
doesn’t think is just from the hesitancy.

In total, the embrace lasts only fifteen seconds. But in those fifteen seconds, Remus has had
his world flipped on its head. Left is right and right is left, the sky is purple, who knows.

Fifteen seconds.

And all he can think is:

Oh, fuck.

Fuuuck.

Fuck.

Sirius is the first to pull back. It’s quick, and he grips him by the shoulders, eyebrows
suddenly furrowed. He scans him, and while Remus feels like he could either throw up or
have a heart attack, Sirius’ mind doesn’t seem so occupied.

“Did you get taller?” Is all he says.

Remus searches his face, hardly even sure what’s going on. There’s a mole on the end of his
left eyebrow and another under his right eye. “Uh…what?”

Sirius hums. “Yeah, you did. What the hell? Few weeks ago you were like…tip of my nose.
Now you’re like….brow height. What’d you do?”
“I—sorry?”

He quickly lets go of Remus’ shoulders, taking a step back and stiffly crossing his arms.
“Sorry, sidetracked. I’m gonna guess you like it…?”

Remus chokes out a laugh at just how ridiculous he feels. He can’t put to words the number
of emotions swirling around his brain, but all he knows for sure is that he’s about to be
completely screwed over. That wasn’t normal.

Godric, he hasn’t even shown his gift yet. It’s hardly anything anymore. It’s just a box to
Sirius. He’s never even listened to muggle music before.

“Yes, I uh…” Remus breathes, looking back down at it in his hand. “I do, I really do. Thank
you, Sirius.”

Sirius lets out a loud sigh of relief. “Thank Merlin, really I was so worried you’d think I was
overstepping or something.”

“Definitely not. I don’t think you could.”

There’s a dragging silence between them after that, and it really just digs Remus’ grave
further, doesn’t it?

“Hey, you know what’s funny?” He announces quite abruptly. “So, super funny coincidence,
um. I actually had a similar idea to you.”

“Pardon?”

He laughs in this horribly awkward way. “Not the walking stick. You don’t need this. I meant
the idea. Like a present.”

Sirius’ eyes light up, and he doesn’t know how he’s even able to be in this room with how
strangely Remus feels like he’s acting. Well, excuse him, he just had a moment. A big bloody
moment that he doesn’t understand.

“You got me something?!” Sirius exclaims cheerfully. “Really?”

“Yeah, and I was gonna ask if you could stay behind from dinner so I could give it you.”

“Shut up, were you really?”

Remus shrugs shyly. “Little bit, yeah. I had no idea about your thing, so I was just so
confused. But um, I do have something. And it’s not like yours, maybe it won’t mean
anything to you. That's okay,” he babbles on.

“Hey.”

“Hm?”

Sirius smiles softly. “Don’t spoil it, now.”

Fuuuuuuck.

Remus’ chest twists into a tight knot just so it can lodge itself in his throat and make him
unable to do more than nod and ‘mhm’.

Slowly, like he’s walking on air, Remus pulls the box out from under his bed. It’s fairly heavy
and he takes a second to get it up on Sirius’ desk.

“That box is for me?” Sirius says in disbelief. “You bastard, you were carrying it right in
front of me and I had no idea!”

He smiles to himself, lifting the actual gift bag out from the box and pretending like his hands
aren’t shaking. They go behind his back as he steps away.

Sirius meanders on over, giving him a couple side glances. He takes out some of the brightly
colored tissue paper before reaching in and lifting up the record player. It gets placed down
right at the gift bag’s side, and he finally gets a good look at it for the first time.

Remus is biting his tongue hard because he desperately needs Sirius to like this. He watches
every little movement of his eyebrows and the tiny frown of confusion he makes while
examining his gift. It’s clear he doesn’t know what it is.

“It’s um…” Remus stammers. “It’s a record player.” When that doesn’t register anything new
in Sirius’ eyes, he clarifies, “The special box for Andromeda’s gift.”

And that makes Sirius’ head snap over in excitement. “Oh! This is the special box?”

“Yeah.”

He gasps, finally able to appreciate it for what it is. “You got me this?!”

A smile spreads to his face. “Yeah,” Remus repeats. “I thought you would want it considering
her present hasn’t gone to any use.”

“I did!” Sirius exclaims. “I just didn’t know what it was or—or where to get it—I didn’t
know anything! Oh, shit,” he giggles, moving swiftly to dig through his trunk. “It’s in here, I
know it.”

After a minute, he pops out with the perfectly intact folder and carries it back. “How do I use
it?” Sirius asks.

Remus grimaces, he actually has no idea. He didn’t ask Penny at the store because he was too
busy embarrassing himself. But…he can kind of recall what it looked like in those clear
booths.

He wordlessly holds out a hand for Sirius to put the folder in, which he does. Remus opens it
and slides the disc out, now pursing his lips in concentration.

“Uh…” he hums. “So, you lift this lid up first. I saw that the disc goes on the circle part here.
And then it was spinning. But this button here sort of reminds me of the television in my
house—“

“The what?”

Remus pauses. “The…like another box. It’s got programs on it.”

Sirius just shrugs at him. “Muggles and their boxes. I don’t know what a program is either,
but do go on. We can learn the special box together.”

“…Right,” he mutters, looking down at the little knobs he doesn’t understand. If this disc
wasn’t something so fragile, he’d probably be more reckless with throwing ideas at a wall
and seeing if they stick. “Maybe Lily knows.”

Sirius deflates. “Oh, I mean if you want,” he mumbles.

“What, are you two spatting it out again? Did I miss that?”

“No. No, we’re fine,” he dismisses lightly. “Why don’t we just figure it out together?”

Remus nods and observes the disc closely. “This side says one and the other says two, so I’ll
assume I start it on one.”

“That sounds right…and then what?”

“Uhh…” He glances at the stick beside it and the cords behind it and just starts laughing in
disbelief. He doesn’t know how to work the gift. “I should’ve just asked Penny.”

Sirius frowns. “Who’s Penny?”

He waves him off. “The girl at the shop. That’s who I got this from,” he says. “She looked a
bit like you, actually.”

“What?” Sirius laughs, crossing his arms. “What d’you mean, looked like me?”

Remus gives him a bit of a once over. “She was all…leather jacket, black hair. Tallish.”

“Ish?!”

“Well, apparently we’re similar heights now. Doesn’t make you very tall then, does it?” He
teases, watching Sirius take full offense to it.

“I’m very tall!” He whines. “Are we figuring this out? I do appreciate the sound of your
voice, but I’m trying to hear the Beatles voice, if you don’t mind.”

Remus sputters out a noise to excuse himself, but he’s at a complete loss. “Please let me ask
Lily, I don’t wanna damage the disc,” he practically begs.

Sirius groans. “Fine, why only her, though?” He questions as they start to leave their dorm
together. “Mary’s muggleborn.”
Some Gryffindors are starting to come back through the portrait hole, and speak of the devil,
Lily and Mary come through at the same time.

“If Lily doesn’t know, then we ask Mary. Why are you so hung up on this?”

“Not hung up on anything, just—“

“Lily!” He interrupts to call out. She turns with wide eyes, giving Mary a side glance before
coming closer. “Do you know how to work a record player?”

She cocks her head, a smile dancing on her lips. “Yes…why?”

Sirius huffs. “Well, Remus got me a very cool present but we’re both daft and don’t know
what we’re doing.”

Lily sighs, starting up the boys’ stairs without another word. Remus thinks it’s quite unfair
she can just do that when he’s watched too many blokes get launched across the room for the
opposite. They get back in the room, and the first thing Lily does is look around with a
wrinkled nose.

“Why is it such a mess in here?” She scolds, arms crossed.

Maybe it’s because Remus has lived with the other three long enough, but eventually the used
socks and wrinkled shirts just blended into the floor. He hardly noticed there being a mess.

“We just got back,” Sirius excuses, urging her to get closer to their dilemma. “C’mon, then!”

“Alright, why don’t you relax? Did you charm it already?”

He and Sirius look at one another and she just sighs, pulling out her wand to mutter some
spell. “There’s no electricity in Hogwarts, or outlets, you need the spell to get it working on
its own. The rest is easy, just fix the settings and—“

Sirius pretends to yawn quite loudly. She shoots a glare. “You’re boring me to death, Evans,”
he comments, her glare doesn’t stop.

“Hey, I could always just leave,” she says as she gets it spinning, turning some knobs. “Also,
Remus, isn’t your mum a muggle?”

Remus makes his lips into a thin line. “Yeah. Doesn't mean we had this stuff, she separated
herself from it. Even if she didn’t, I can’t exactly call her up.”

“Sure you could, I’d let you use my owl. Not that you need to since I’m doing it now—“

“Thank you for your help, Lily Evans!” Sirius shouts, ushering her out by the shoulders. She
pulls out of his grip and wacks him in the chest, scolding him once more before leaving on
her own accord. Sirius turns on him. “You didn’t tell her?”

“Wh…Am I meant to go around saying my mum died? Not the best conversation topic.”
“Well, yeah, but I thought you told her everything.”

Remus shrugs. “I—I dunno! This is so not the topic of the moment, why don’t we start
listening before—“

The door bursts open and in comes James and Peter, Remus nearly groans aloud. He’d been
hoping to listen to it with him alone. That’s not a selfish thing, Remus still wants to work
through whatever happened to him earlier. The feeling is mostly gone after all the struggle
and banter, and weirdly enough, he wants it back. It felt so alive, despite how it also made
him want to dig a hole in the ground for himself.

“So…what was Evans—Woah!” James shouts, shuffling closer to the record player. “Sirius, I
thought you got the uh…”

Sirius nods, pointing to where the walking stick rests now on Remus’ bed. “Remus got me a
present too, and we had Evans work it out cause it’s all muggle stuff.”

“Oh yeah, I saw her,” he beams. “Didn’t say a word to me. Wait, so she was in the room?!”

“Your chances are looking great right now, James,” Remus remarks. “And yes. Okay, I’m
putting the damn music on already. We’ve spent too long on this.”

“Thank Merlin, I’m so impatient,” Sirius mutters.

The disc has been spinning without the stick-thing for a few minutes, so he places it around
the outside and hopes that’s the right spot for it. All four of them stand around it, waiting in
anticipation. The record is silent for a moment until a guitar starts playing and the first song
begins.

‘Asked a girl what she wanted to be. She said, "Baby, can't you see? I wanna be famous, a
star of the screen"

But you can do something in between. Baby, you can drive my car. Yes, I'm gonna be a star.
Baby, you can drive my car. And maybe I'll love you’

James breaks out into a grin, spewing out questions. “How’s it doing that? You’re sure this is
muggle? What’s the song called?”

Remus peeks over at the cover. “Drive My Car.”

“It’s like… good .”

It’s a fun song and Remus starts to sway his head to it a little. “Did Andromeda ever tell you
why she sent this one?” He asks Sirius.
“Not exactly, I remember she said she had trouble finding interests when she was younger,
but music was one of them. Guess I can finally tell her I like it.”

Remus smiles shyly. “You like it?”

“Mhm. Super cool, it’s like…fun and relaxing. Don’t get a lot of both. Do you reckon there’s
more music?”

“…Sorry?”

Sirius shrugs. “I mean like, do they have more?”

“We’re three songs in, Sirius. There’s fourteen of them.”

“No, I know,” he says. “But I mean more. More folders with the discs from these…Beatles.”

It’s like Remus is watching the gears in Sirius’ head turning and opening up new pathways to
explore. It’s like when he tried the leather jacket on for the first time, something just felt
right. If he’s honest, he feels the exact same way, and he wants more. More genres, more
musicians, more vinyl discs, more time listening to them with Sirius.

“I could buy you more,” he replies as the fourth song, Nowhere Man, begins to play. “Could
ask the girls if they have any, borrow them.”

“I want everything.”

His breath stalls in his chest as they hold eye contact for a moment.

“Shh!” James hushes. “This one’s good, shut it!”

Sirius laughs, turning away from Remus’ red face. “They’re all good, that’s the point!”

James is the second person tonight to wack Sirius in the chest. They sit in silence, listening
along to what clearly seems to be James’ favorite so far. Remus feels quite proud of himself
for bringing them together like this, even if it was originally meant for just Sirius.

‘Nowhere man, please listen. You don't know what you're missing. Nowhere man, the world is
at your command’

Halfway in, James declares himself as Nowhere Man. Sirius looks appalled.

“You can’t just claim it like that, that’s no fair.”

“Is too, I am the Nowhere Man!”

“Hardly a bragging point,” Peter comments. “He sounds like—“

James interrupts him by mimicking the la la la’s of the song and shaking his hips with his
arms out. “The world is at my command!” He shouts, climbing onto the side of his bed—
shoes on—and hanging off by an arm.

“Oh, come off it, you big-headed prat!” Sirius jokes as the next song starts. James gapes at
him, jumping off the bed and taking Sirius down to the floor with him. Sirius shrieks as he
hits the ground, wrestling him until they’re a big heap of arms and legs.

Remus sighs, glancing at Peter who looks worried for their safety. Maybe he should be too,
but they’ve done this enough times that it only elicits an exhausted groan from him. Sirius
smacks the glasses off James and wins this round since he’s been rendered blind. He gets up
with a satisfied grin and chuckle, tossing the glasses back to a grumbling James.

“I just got these, that was so not cool,” he mumbles, but he’s smiling anyway.

“You know what’s not cool? The disc is over and I missed it.”

Remus shakes his head, moving to flip it over. “No, there’s a second side. You only missed a
couple.”

“Oh. Well I’d rather not miss any,” Sirius huffs, lightly elbowing James in his side. James
nearly retaliates, but holds back.

‘All these places had their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead
and some are living, in my life I've loved them all.’

The last seven songs get played as they start to lounge out quietly. Remus’ stomach rumbles.
It serves as a reminder that he missed all of dinner for this. It’s alright, though. It was worth
it. Once the final song fades out, Sirius whistles low in his throat.

“Yeah, I want every song for myself. Gotta listen to every single one. How many songs are
there?”

He and Peter burst into laughter. “Quite a few, Sirius!” Remus says.

“I want them all,” he admits, turning to face Remus completely. Hopefully his face doesn’t
look as hot as it feels. “Thank you, this is one of the coolest gifts ever.”

To Remus’ surprise, Sirius hugs him now. He only ends up counting to two by the time Sirius
pulls back again. It doesn’t stop his chest from feeling heavy. Sirius’ arms go behind his back
stiffly with a hesitant step back from him. “Really, it’s um…it’s great. Thanks,” Sirius says
quietly.

“No problem,” he mumbles, gazing up at Sirius who’s starting to turn away to busy himself
with nothing in particular.
 ———

JANUARY 5, 1974

Sirius chews on a dry piece of buttered toast feeling all the wrong things. He should eat more
considering he missed dinner last night, but there’s a sort of sick feeling in his gut he can’t
get rid of. Maybe he’s coming down with something.

James is busy explaining some of his ideas to get Lily’s attention, all of which sound
ridiculous. If he’s honest, he thinks there’s nothing Lily Evans would want more than to not
have her attention on James Potter. Sirius has no idea what his family did to make him
suddenly so eager to date Lily, and he isn’t sure what he thinks about it either. He hasn’t
fancied any girls since he’s been here, but that’s not weird, he’s young.

As if reading his mind, James turns the conversation onto him. “Sirius,” he starts, muffled
around his breakfast. “Any girls you fancy yet?”

His eyes go wide, glancing between James and Remus—who’s giving him a watchful look.
“Uh, dunno,” he mutters. “Don’t know if I’ve thought about it.”

“Really?” James questions, swallowing his food down. “My dad said I’m at the age now
where that’s pretty normal.”

Sirius shrugs. “Dunno about normal. I think you’re an early bloomer, mate,” he smiles, but it
falls quickly.

James hums, tapping his fork to his plate in thought. “Frank!” He calls a few spots over, and
the boy looks over his shoulder. “Is fancying girls normal when you’re our age?”

Frank furrows his brows in amusement. “Having that conversation, are you?” He jokes. “I
mean, yeah, a bit. It’s definitely more common, what’s going on?”

“Nothing…” James drags, glancing pointedly to Sirius. “What about you, Frank? Anyone?”

“Uh…that is personal,” he dismisses, quickly turning back to his own friends.

James grimaces. “So that’s a yes. C’mon, Sirius, surely you’ve had somebody in mind,” he
says, swirling the fork in his direction.

It’s stupid, it’s so stupid, but his heart beats loudly in his chest as he glances around trying to
think. Well, he must have thought of someone at least once, yeah? James and Frank are fairly
equipped with the ins and outs of being human, they must be right. He’s been so busy,
though, there’s been no time to think about something like girls.
A lit wand goes off in his head and he smiles to himself, what a good idea.

“See, I knew it!” James exclaims. “Tell us who, I’ve told you mine.”

Oh shit, that’s not what he meant to do. Sirius wipes his smile off his face and looks around
the room for somebody that he knows the name of. It’ll get James to leave the topic alone for
now until he starts fancying a girl for real.

A couple tables over, his eyes lock onto blonde hair, and his mouth moves faster than his
brain does.

“Marlene McKinnon,” he apparently decides.

“What?!”

“Marlene?” Remus blurts.

Sirius hushes them from saying her name too loud and catching her attention, that would
really ruin this plan. “I don’t want her to hear!” He hisses.

“Aww,” James coos. “You know what, I see it. You agreed with her when I lost to her and
was pissy about it and you said she was spunky. Yeah, it makes sense now…huh.”

“…It does?”

“Sure it does,” he smiles. “You know what, you should ask her to the next Hogsmeade
weekend.”

Sirius cocks his head, looking at James like he’s stupid. “James, I can’t go to Hogsmeade
without—“

“Use the cloak to get in, I don’t mind. If it gets you a date, who am I to complain?”

“A date?”

James chuckles. “Don’t be shy, now. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would have supported
you even though we’ve got the Quidditch thing between us.”

Sirius blinks, unsure of what to even say to him. He feels like he’s just taken a step and fallen
into a hole he’s going to have to claw his way out of. Ask Marlene out on a date, what is he,
insane?

He supposes she is pretty cool and all, and a damn good player. It’s just…he’s never thought
about her like that before, nor anyone. Five minutes ago, he felt a bit sick to his stomach, and
it’s somehow getting worse.

Does he like her? James seems to think it was obvious and a thing since second year despite
the fact that she’s never lingered in his mind for even a minute. Compare that to the way
James keeps going on about Lily, it just seems so different. His brain does tend to work
differently than James’ though, maybe he does fancy her and just didn’t think about it.
He glances over at Marlene again, with her shoulder length blonde and pink hair. It isn’t a
class day, so she’s not in full uniform. The clothes are…nice. She’s laughing about something
he’s too far away to hear, and he wonders what a date with her would even entail. What does
a date entail? It’s not like his parents are fantastic examples of two people who like spending
time together. It just sounds like hanging out, only with a girl who you fancy.

But he hardly knows Marlene, they’ve spoken like…twice! Even if he were to ask her out on
a date, she’d probably just reject him. At that train of thought, Sirius starts to feel his nerves
flare up. Oh. Maybe he does like her.

“You really think I should ask her?” He asks, still watching her from afar.

James nods aggressively. “Then I can ask Evans, and if she says yes we can go at the same
time!”

“You think Evans is gonna agree to that?” Sirius asks, because he knows Lily isn’t going to.
James is just a very hopeful person.

“Why not? She very well could.”

“…Right.”

“Well, c’mon!” James nudges him to stand up. “Go ask her!”

His eyes are like saucers on his friend. “Now? You want me to ask her right now? In front of
all her friends?”

“Yes, go be bold! No better time.”

James practically pulls him off of the bench and to his feet. Sirius just stands there with
blocked lungs, glancing between his roommates and Marlene. Peter looks entertained while
Remus is quietly shuffling his food around the plate. Yeah, that’s how he feels too. Sirius gets
it.

Everyone will be watching him when he goes over, everyone. If he gets turned down it might
just be the most humiliating thing to ever happen to him. He should’ve just kept his mouth
shut, so much for wanting to be normal. He is normal. Sirius is very normal.

If there’s one thing Sirius has learned in his many years of sucking up to important people at
events, it’s how to sweet talk someone. He bets he could go up there right now and get her to
go on a date with him. He’s convinced Ministry members to give his family special privileges
with just a conversation, he can do this easily.

He strides across the Great Hall with sudden confidence to the Ravenclaw table. Marlene’s
eyes catch his and her face contorts into a look of amused confusion. She turns around to face
him on the bench and crosses a leg over the other.

“Hey, you looking for something?” She jests, crossing her arms too.

“I am, actually,” he smoothly says. “How’s a date on the next Hogsmeade trip?”
Marlene’s brows shoot up high as she’s stunned into silence for a few seconds. “Wow, you’re
quite forward.”

Sirius shrugs. “I know. Well?”

She opens her mouth to say something then closes it a couple of times. With an air of
nonchalance, she says, “Alright, why not?”

He wants to shout seriously? But he thinks that would ruin the facade he’s put up here. There
are probably a dozen other girls around watching this go down with open jaws. Sirius nods,
pulling out a charming enough smirk.

“Perfect, I’ll meet you outside the Three Broomsticks. That sound good?”

She chuckles. “Sure, what the hell! I’m up for it. I’ll see you, then.”

“Yeah, you will,” he says before sauntering off, a smug smile plastered on his face. Well,
Merlin, that was easy. He could’ve just been doing this the whole time?

He sits back down at his table, at which James and Peter look shocked all the way to hell.

“You’re both smiling, there’s no way you just got the date that fast!” James whines. Sirius
shrugs, still feeling rather puffed up. “That is ridiculous.”

“Well, you’re dealing with Evans,” Peter sympathizes. “She’s way more stubborn than
Marlene is.”

James nods in his own defense. “You’re right. You got it easy.”

Remus frowns. “You shouldn’t call her easy.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Sounded like it.”

James scoffs a laugh. “C’mon, you know I mean how Marlene is just more…going with the
flow. That’s a compliment! Maybe if you go fancying a girl, you’ll get what I mean.”

That doesn’t seem to comfort Remus at all. “Who says I don’t?” He retorts.

The three of them stop eating suddenly.

“Do you?” Sirius asks, feeling sick again. How could he not tell them that? Or just him.
Sirius is his best friend, he should tell him those things. Not that Sirius told him about
Marlene, but he only realized he liked her about five minutes ago.

Remus smiles at him bitterly. “Yeah, I might. Couldn’t possibly date anyone though, not with
my problems.”
 “Oh, buck up, Remus!” James reassures. “I’m sure there are plenty of girls who wouldn’t
mind.”

“I’m comforted, truly.”

Sirius watches him across the table going snarky the way he does when something’s upset
him. He considers asking him later, but he’s hesitant. Maybe it’s a him problem. Did he do
something? He tries to think back, but yesterday Remus looked like he was over the moon.
Maybe it’s a James problem because he doesn’t seem so chuffed with him right now.

He gets why Remus would be upset then, it’s not like he can go around dating girls. Well,
Sirius supposes he could, but that would be weird. How would Remus explain his
disappearances to them? Really the only girl he could logically date is Lily Evans, and that’s
just wrong.

Wait.

Suddenly, Sirius has got this sneaking suspicion for who Remus might fancy. That chocolate
bar in the Hospital Wing was just outlandish. And they’re always together studying.

Oh. That’s why Remus is upset with James. James has been planning to ask Lily out, of
course that would upset him if he liked Lily. And if Sirius continues on this route, wouldn’t
that mean Lily fancies Remus too? Oh, Merlin, this complicates things. He can’t tell James,
but he should tell James. But he shouldn’t do that, this is a Remus secret he’s figured out.
Remus secrets are for himself.

The next step in his logic tells him he needs to come up with a plan.

He needs to make sure Remus doesn’t date Lily Evans.

———

Chapter End Notes

James trying to be a helpful friend and changing the trajectory of the next like three
years of Sirius’ life is really funny to me, sorry. Sirius making assumptions at the end
like hmm 2+2=5. And despite Remus having such a big moment, you will not believe
how long it takes for him to accept it. The slow burn like the 47 year old soup tag is
there for a reason. Hope you enjoyed, prepare for impact!
 Third Year: Changes
Chapter Summary

Ch-ch-changes, or: Things move too fast

Chapter Notes

CW at the end note!

Words: 5.9k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JANUARY 7, 1974

“I’m not fully getting the vampires,” Remus mumbles, tapping the end of his quill to his
scroll. “They’re allergic to garlic?”

Lily hums in confirmation. “Honestly, I just can't believe they’re real. How does this stuff get
out to muggles and no one does anything about it? Who controls that?”

“Eh, Ministry people,” he shrugs.

The fire beside them warms her up, she’s still having leftover shivers from being outside for a
while. It was this whole… thing. She doesn’t want to get into it now that it’s over, but it
involved Potter and a great big show he made of himself to humiliate her and Severus. From
the outside, it looked incredibly embarrassing, but he didn’t seem fazed by it at all.

“Not doing a very good job, then, are they?” Lily remarks snidely. Remus chuckles,
continuing to take notes on vampires and their blood diets.

There is a soft thudding noise coming down the stairs, and Lily glances up to see Sirius.
Remus checks over his shoulder and smiles stiffly. “Hey, Sirius,” he says like he’s expecting
him to walk on by.

Sirius does not do that, and instead hops into an armchair beside the fire. “Hi, you two.”

Her and Remus give each other a look.

“You know we’re studying right now, yeah?” Lily questions. “Moon is tomorrow, best not to
keep him busy.”

“Oh, well who says I can’t join in?”

“Erm…me?”

Sirius makes a noise, crossing his arms. “And why not? What’s wrong with expanding the
study group? Not much of a group, is it?”

Lily rolls her eyes, exhaling through her nose slowly to keep herself calm. How Marlene
agreed to a date with him is beyond her. She watched it happen. He walked over all suave
and confident and she accepted like it was nothing. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one to be
witness to Sirius’ charisma when it comes to girls. Whenever she sees him in the halls,
there’s someone trying to speak with him through giggles. It’s like everyone’s caught a
disease and she doesn’t understand it.

Sirius didn’t just wake up with a new face, though it’s clear all the attention has given him a
sense of arrogance. With him and Potter together, their heads could be used for hot air
balloons. The only thing present is air, and they’re huge.

She had asked Marlene how she could be okay with all of those girls considering they’re
going out this weekend, but she didn’t seem to care. So much so that it left Lily wondering if
Marlene even likes him. It came out of nowhere, so it wouldn’t be so surprising. This whole
thing is weird.

Remus has been acting off since they’ve been back too, but that one she can’t trace.
Sometimes he just has moods near the moon, she assumes it will pass after tomorrow.

Lily sighs. “If you’re willing to actually study, then maybe you can. Otherwise, you’re a bit
of a bother. No offense.”

Sirius gapes in mock offense to that. “Wow…harsh, no? How important is being alone
together?”

“Considering you’re interrupting us on a session, I’d say it’s pretty important.”

“Interrupting ‘us’?”

Remus tightens his jaw, eyes locked on his textbook. “How’s Marlene?”

Sirius is silent for a long moment before casually shrugging. “Dunno. Haven’t spoken to her.”

“Why don’t you go do that? You’re not helping me right now and I’m trying to keep up in
class,” Remus states roughly.

Lily looks over to Sirius, who’s watching Remus carefully with hurt in his eyes. He blinks
and the expression is gone. Instead, he pushes himself up to his feet with a plastic smile.
“Yeah, think I might. See you, Remus,” he says, making his way out the portrait hole.
A silence settles back between them, and it’s comfortable. But…something feels off. Not
with her and Remus, but with him and Sirius. As if they’re having another thing, a common
event of every year so far.

She decides to suck it up and just ask, because the worst he could do is be annoyed with her.
“Are you two having an argument?”

“No, why?”

That wasn’t the answer Lily expected. “You seem upset with him,” she mutters. “Has he done
something?”

Remus shakes his head. “I’m trying to prepare for the moon. He’s trying to be a distraction.
Not helping.”

She supposes that makes sense, it was her first assumption anyway. It just feels more
directed. Lily accepts that answer and they go silent for another long period of time. She
manages to get through two chapters of her Astronomy textbook the next time he speaks up.

“Do you ever feel…wrong?”

Lily knits her brows. “Wrong?” She repeats.

It’s here she looks over and notices he’s been on the same page since Sirius came over.

“Not like…wrong on an exam,” Remus mumbles. “Just…wrong. And you sort of wonder,
‘who made me that way?’”

Lily quickly closes her book, scooting closer to him on the sofa with concern. “Hey, don’t
talk like that. You aren’t wrong. What’s happened?”

Remus lets out a slow exhale, not even sparing her a glance. “It couldn’t have been my
mum,” he continues as if Lily didn’t say anything at all. “She was the loveliest woman I’ve
ever known, so I don’t know why I’m so...Have you felt that, though? Like an other.”

Lily sighs, nodding steadily. She has, and with her blood status and her secret with Mary, it’s
starting to become more apparent. They talk and hang out during the day like friends then
cuddle up in bed at night like they’re more than that. It’s like Mary’s a different person there.
She can’t really complain, she offered the idea to her after all.

“Of course I have,” she says. “I don’t think dwelling on it for so long is a good idea, though.
It’s not good for you. I mean, everyone’s different.”

“Ugh, come off it, don’t start with the ‘everyone’s unique’ speech,” Remus gripes with an eye
roll. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Well, I know that. Why’s it on your mind, though? Is something actually wrong?”

He pauses, refusing to meet her gaze. “Just been thinking about stuff for the last couple of
days. Maybe these things happen when you get older just to mess with you, y’know?”
Lily’s eyes shade with slight confusion. “I…guess so. You mean like, your brain making
things up to throw you off? Cause I get that,” she mutters, playing with a loose string in her
skirt. “And then there’s always people trying to put words in my mouth to get upset with me
for it. But then that also confuses me. I didn't say that, but did I? So sometimes I get thrown
off in two different directions.”

“Like how you want to be perceived compared to how they really see you?”

She blinks, really looking at Remus and coming to terms with their common ground. “Yeah.
Exactly.”

The lights are out and there’s a cold draft coming in through the window gaps. Her bed’s
curtains are closed and she’s being warmed up by Mary sleepily wrapped over her. Lily
quietly runs the back of her thumb up and down her nape in thought.

Quietly, Mary mumbles, “You okay?”

Lily stops her thumb’s motion. “Why?”

“Your breathing got different.”

The corners of her lips twitch up at the observation, Mary was paying attention to the intake
of her lungs. But that’s not what she should be focusing on, so she’ll answer honestly.

“I’m worried,” she admits.

Mary hums low. “About?”

“I can’t pinpoint it. But I just feel like there’s so much I need to think about right now.”

Mary’s silent for a few moments. “Like…people?”

Lily shrugs despite how Mary’s eyes are closed. She continues her hand’s movement on her
neck. “Maybe. Do you have worries right now too?”

She goes still and Lily sighs, thinking she must not want to answer. She turns them to the side
and pulls her arms over Mary’s shoulders.

“…Yeah,” she finally whispers. Mary doesn’t have to say what it is, Lily already knows.
Even with that knowledge, they hold one another and breathe.

Mary diverts the conversation by a touch, muttering, “I’m worried about Dorcas too,
actually.”

“Dorcas?” Lily repeats. Is there something wrong with Dorcas? Has she missed something?

“Have you noticed she’s been quieter?”

If she’s honest, not really. Maybe that’s bad on her part, but Lily’s had her mind on her sister,
Mary, and now Remus this week. She never ended up speaking to Petunia and she knows it
was a mistake. Their relationship is already unsalvageable, but with every passing year they
become strangers. She doesn’t know Petunia’s friends, anything she likes, how she sounds
when she’s happy, none of it. She’s grown cold.

So, no, she hasn’t thought much about Dorcas.

She’s taken a while to reply, so Mary continues, “I might be making it up. Maybe we’re all
just getting older and don’t know what to do about it.”

Lily chuckles, pulling Mary closer and shutting her eyes against the top of her head.
“Probably. Well, maybe we’ll figure things out soon,” she says quietly.

“Hope so.”

———

JANUARY 9, 1974

Something is wrong, something is very wrong with his head. It’s been four days straight of
feeling like his ribcage is going to burst open in a way that has nothing to do with the full
moon, and Remus is already over it.

There are a lot of things he wants to do, such as throttling James for changing Sirius’ whole
worldview with just a single conversation. It’s not that normal to fancy girls so soon, Remus
has never found the opportunity and it doesn’t seem like Peter has either. Why did he have to
say that? Why did he do it?

Sirius never talked about those things before, it never even seemed to have crossed his mind.
He can’t get away from it now, and whenever the topic comes up—which is often—he feels a
pit in his stomach. It’s almost a nauseous feeling.

Sirius is none the wiser, because telling his friend that seeing him chat up girls makes him
sick feels controlling and…weird. He has no right to say any of it, and so he won’t.

It’s like there’s an infection in him that has been festering for months now. Like a virus he
won’t dare name.

The moon came and went, not an easy one, but not so difficult either. He sleeps for a long
time, wakes, and to his surprise, Sirius is still waiting in his usual chair. On the bedside table
is his dinner. Weirdly enough, he assumed he’d quit it with how he’s been acting lately.
Remus sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with a tired groan. There must be some gap
in the windows, because cold air hits his bare torso and makes him shiver.

“Blimey, you slept the whole day, y’know? It’s almost past curfew,” Sirius comments lightly.

He pushes his hair out of his face and mumbles, “James not coming?”

“Oh, no,” he laughs. “Got detention yesterday with McGonagall. Jinxed Snivellus.”

“On his own?”

“Yep!” Sirius says with a grin. “Can’t risk detention this week, I’ve gotta be open for the
weekend, remember?”

Remus remembers very well.

He makes an ‘mhm’ noise and turns to his food, stuffing a sandwich into his mouth. They sit
in silence for a bit, but that’s normal. There’s usually only a certain upbeat energy when
James is present.

Strangely enough, Remus likes it better like this. Without talking, it’s just peaceful coexisting
with one another. Sirius doesn’t have to be here, and yet he is. It doesn’t help with the
festering sickness in his chest, but it’s not like he’s inexperienced with feeling like a screw
up.

He finishes his first sandwich and decides to steal a glance at Sirius. He assumed he would be
in his own head or twiddling with his thumbs, so finding him already watching him knocks
his mind off balance. Sirius blinks his gaze away, running a hand through his hair absently.

The moon behind him traces his form in a silvery glow, and Remus understands why all these
girls have started talking to him. Since hitting fourteen, his features have started to sharpen
up, not to mention the weight he gained back after the summer. He’s healthy and obviously
quite strong considering his Quidditch position. Sirius’ eyes have always been quite piercing,
too. Silver as the moon and the light encasing him. They were the first thing he noticed about
him when they met.

So he gets it. Maybe if he were a girl, he’d be falling into that bearing too.

In the meantime, Sirius looks ruffled.

“You okay?” He asks.

Sirius nods quickly. “Yeah, just um. Nervous for this weekend and all. I’ve never been on a
date, and it’s so soon. James sort of…pushed me into it. I obviously could’ve said no, it’s not
like he forced me. Honestly, I didn’t even realize I fancied Marlene until he pointed it out,
and this is all really, really fast. I’m not like James, y’know? I like the attention, it’s cool, I
feel um…dunno. It’s…you know I’m bad at this.”

There’s the Sirius he knows. It’s all come out in one large spew of words, like it’s been sitting
in his mind for days, and Remus actually feels relieved. He was worried Sirius was changing
too quickly for him, but that air of indifference is just a facade. He’s nervous, and even if him
going out with Marlene makes Remus’ stomach churn, he hasn’t just become someone else.

He can’t believe he’s happy Sirius isn’t feeling great.

“If you’re not feeling good about it, you know you don’t have to, right?” Remus suggests.

Sirius rubs at his nose bridge with a groan. “No, but I do. I asked her, and if I back out,
y’know how that would make me look? I’m going through with it, I don’t half ass things,” he
mutters into his hand. “And I’m not feeling bad about it, I feel fine. It’s not like that.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

“I like her.”

“Okay,” he says quieter, turning back to keep eating before he gets sick.

“Sorry, you’re trying to recover, I’m being stupid,” Sirius quickly apologizes. “I’ll let you
eat.”

Remus doesn’t rush to forgive him, chewing slowly around the dryness of his mouth. This
shift between them was so fast he’s practically dizzy about it. One moment they’re holding
each other for the first time, and the next they’re practically in separate universes. They’re
not fighting, nothing bad has happened. Sirius is still here, he’s right there. Only he’s so far
away.

After he finishes eating, he uses the walking stick to get him up all of those stairs. Sirius at
his side, his gift in his hand, his name constantly in his mind, Remus really doesn’t know
what’s happened to him. It hit him all at once and it’s all-consuming. He’d compared it to a
balloon, but at some point this week it stopped feeling that way. It’s changed.

They enter the portrait hole and freeze as it’s clear they’ve walked into the middle of an
argument.

“—to humiliate me?!” Is the first thing Remus hears, and it’s coming from an upset Lily.

James stands opposite her with Peter at his side. “It was not humiliating, c’mon, now. That’s
a real dig at me, really.”

“I’ve been avoiding you for a reason, it wasn’t funny!” She stresses. “I don’t know what
compelled you do that, but if this is some jab at Severus—“

“I couldn’t care less what Snivellus does, Evans.”

“You hexed him today, and you’re gonna stop calling him that, I mean it!”

It seems like him, Sirius, and Peter are all silent witnesses watching this unfold. He doesn’t
know if he should step in, or what he would say if he did.
A couple days after Sirius asked Marlene out, James made a big show out of his date
proposal in the courtyard for Lily. She’d been with Snape at the time, and they both looked
equally furious about it. She said no, obviously. Now, as she said, she’s been avoiding him.

Remus is on Lily’s side because James is acting out of line recently, but everyone seems off.
That holiday break did something.

James shrugs with a smile. “Any other complaints?”

“Yes!” She shouts. “Stay in your lane or I’ll deal with you myself!”

“Is that a promise?”

Lily scoffs, taking a step back. “You think I won’t?”

“What are you gonna do, slap me again?” James laughs.

“Don’t patronize me.”

James makes an outward gesture, the smile still plastered to his face. “I don’t know that
word, it can’t hurt me!”

“You’re impossible,” she says stiffly, picking up her bag and moving towards the girls’
stairs.

“Love talking with you, Evans, you’re so kind!” He calls up the stairs as Lily disappears from
sight. James turns and spots him and Sirius in the corner, eyes lighting up. “Oh, hey!”

Sirius sighs. “You’re a real charmer.”

James dismisses him, saying, “Oh, I’m not charming yet. I’m just getting her attention.”

“Well, you’ve definitely got it,” Peter grimaces.

“Exactly. All publicity is good publicity.”

Remus frowns. “Do you really think that?”

James just shrugs. “Well, I call this the test run. Won't ask her again for a long while, but now
she has her eyes on me. Genius, eh?”

He stares at James for a long moment, assessing just how genuine he is about this. It’s the
worst idea he’s ever heard. Remus sighs and goes past them to the boys’ stairs. He’s really
just tired of all this girl talk. Maybe he’s not the infected one, they are. It hit James, and it’s
starting to spread to Sirius, too. Hopefully it misses Peter.

Remus folds his cane up before quietly rolling into bed. The others come in not long after,
darkening the room and letting it fall into silence.
 ———

JANUARY 12, 1974

Sirius opens his eyes with a hammering in his chest like his heart is being pulled taut.

He’s in his own bed, so there’s no one to comfort him. As if something is blocking his lungs,
Sirius is nearly choking on his breaths. Shakily, he pushes up to sit and curl into himself,
panting loudly with a hand clutching his chest.

This usually happens when he has a nightmare, but Sirius is sure he didn’t. Unless he’s just
going crazy, that wouldn’t be so surprising.

He can’t even remember if he put a charm around the bed. It hardly matters when his vision
begins feeling further away, and he’s slipping. Why is he slipping? Nothing happened, he’s
fine, why is he slipping?

Sirius squeezes his eyes shut and whines to make it go away, but it doesn’t. What’s wrong
with him?

The bed dips beside him, and that answers his question for if there’s a charm. He knows it’s
James because he immediately pulls him in to hug, a hand soothingly rubbing his back.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” he mumbles through stuttered breaths. “I dunno why I’m—why
this…I didn’t have a nightmare. I don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” James whispers.

Chills go up his body, which doesn’t help the shaking nor hyperventilation. “I woke you up,”
he stammers.

“I don’t mind. Really.”

Sirius brings up his arms to hug James back, feeling all kinds of wrong everywhere. “Too
good to me, you shouldn’t….should’ve let me deal with it.”

James huffs a breath. “Come off it. Just breathe easy, yeah? In and out.”

He feels pathetic. Sirius doesn’t mind James’ company, but he’ll put up a silencing charm
next time he sleeps alone. He can function on his own just fine. He shouldn’t need his best
friend to hold him and tell him how to function.

Sirius breathes in time with James and slowly feels himself relax despite his mind's protests.
“Thanks,” he mumbles.
“Anytime,” James smiles, pulling away from him. “You shouldn’t think about your family or
anything of the sort, today’s not the day for that.”

His family wasn’t on his mind at all, that wasn’t even…Sirius blinks rapidly. He’s sneaking
out to go on a date with Marlene today. Not much sneaking out if everyone knows about it, in
fact, he’s confused how news hasn’t reached someone like McGonagall. James bringing this
fact up does little to comfort him, and actually makes him uneasy again. He’s never been on a
date, what if he mucks it all up?

“Yep,” he says stiffly. “Super excited.”

James chuckles. “Oh, don’t be nervous, I’m sure it’ll be fine! Marlene’s cool, I doubt
anything could go wrong other than you two not working out.”

How would that make Sirius look, though? Goes on a date with a girl once then never again,
would they think he didn’t like her? Or would people be happy and snag the opportunity to
get at him? It’s just fast, everything is moving too fast for him. That sort of thought wouldn’t
have even been in his head a week ago.

Honestly Sirius doesn’t know what happened, but playing along with it doesn’t seem to douse
the flames. Maybe it’s the leather jacket he’s attached himself to with the grown out hair and
smooth talking he did with Marlene, but girls like him now. And it’s not just in secret, it’s
open and in his face.

A fourth year Hufflepuff came up to him the other day while he was with Remus and asked if
he was busy on the second day of Hogsmeade. He looked to his friend for help, but he didn’t
seem to care. Remus doesn’t seem to care about anything he does lately. Sirius shrugged a
shoulder, saying ‘sorry, taken’.

He isn’t, not yet at least.

Hidden under the cloak, it’s quite easy to sneak onto the train, he’s done it once before. No
one would expect it considering no one knows he has it, so he enters in front of James and
sits beside him in the booth. Sure, he should probably use the passageway, but he doesn’t
want to head out alone. Remus and Peter come in shortly after, close the door, and drop the
curtains.

Sirius whips the cloak off with a satisfied sigh. “That wasn’t hard at all,” he remarks.

His outfit might be decent enough for a date—though he still doesn’t know what qualifies.
He’s just got his white dress shirt with black slacks and of course, the leather jacket. It’s a
Sirius Black staple now. The top couple of buttons of his shirt are undone just because James
said it looked cooler, but he thinks it’ll just make him cold.

“Okay, game plan,” James says, leaning in and wrapping an arm over his shoulder. “You
meet Marlene outside the Three Broomsticks.”
“Yeah?”

“You walk around, get to know each other better. Talk about your lives, tell stories.”

“Okay.”

“Make her laugh, she’s gotta think you’re really funny.”

“Mhm.”

“And then,” James says. “At the end of the date, you kiss her.”

“What?” Sirius sputters. “Kiss her?!”

James nods quickly. “I mailed my dad, he said you usually do a kiss at the end of a first date.”

“You mailed your dad about this?!”

James just keeps nodding, a big goofy grin stuck on his face. “He gives very good advice, I
promise.”

Sirius diverts his eyes. “Well, how do I do that?”

“Don’t ask me, I’ve never done it,” James chuckles, backing off from him.

He looks to the other two desperately, and only Peter seems to be listening. For some reason
that makes his stomach churn.

“I’ve seen it in films,” the boy shrugs. “You just sorta—“ He shuts his eyes, puckering his
lips and making a gross noise. Sirius leans over and wacks his knee.

“Stop it!” He whines. “That’s nasty.”

“You don’t have to, it’s just like courtesy,” James says.

Sirius raises a brow. “Yeah, cause you know all about that.”

“I do!”

The pestering about the date continues for the whole short train ride, so it’s really the only
thing on his mind once it stops. He pulls on the invisibility cloak again and waits until
everyone else is off the train and there won’t be anyone bumping into invisible walls.

Quickly and quietly, Sirius runs out behind a tree, his feet making little imprints in the
leftover snow. Once visible, he ties the cloak to a sturdy enough branch with hopes that it
doesn’t get windy. Around the branch, he makes a big circle in the snow as a marker.

Satisfied, he sneaks behind all of the shops until it’s the wooden structure of the Three
Broomsticks. He quickly combs through his hair and brushes himself off of any snow before
making his way through the small gap.
Marlene is there alone, dressed rather muggle-y for a pureblood witch. She’s in a denim skirt
that gets tugged down repeatedly despite it not being that short, a white turtleneck, and an
overcoat. She’s looking around for him, black boots and leg warmers scuffing into the snow.

“Hey,” he says, coming out of the small gap between the buildings.

She spins around in surprise, then laughs thinly. Make her laugh, yes he’s funny, he can do
that.

“Blimey, I didn’t see you!” Marlene gives him a once over and purses her lips in approval.
“Looking good.”

He won’t lie, she does look good, he’s never seen her dress like this before. Maybe that’s a
good thing.

“Yeah, you look great too,” Sirius comments. He gets closer and they start to walk off
together amidst all the other students. “So, if I’m honest, the most I know about you are your
Quidditch skills and being smart. I’m sure there’s more than that.”

Marlene makes a face at him, sighing out, “Yeah. Well, what do we do, start with basics? Uh,
well, my birthday’s in August and I’ve got two older brothers. How’s that?”

“How much older?”

“Oh, way older,” she says with a laugh. “Think twenties. I was a surprise, if you're
wondering.”

Sirius feels himself going pink. What do you even say to that?

“Damn.”

Marlene hums an ‘mhm’ and continues. “Pain in my arse, they are. It’s okay though, I love
them anyway. What about you, rich boy?”

Sirius holds back a deep grimace and sweeps a hand through his hair instead. “Just my little
brother,” he replies, mind wandering to whether he’s alright or not. That moment he
eavesdropped on at the beginning of the holiday was beyond a mild concern for him. Did he
really punch Rosier? Why is he hurting people?

“Ah, right, the Seeker. I’m playing him soon, y’know? You better be there.” Marlene nudges
his side playfully.

“Yeah, I’ll deck myself out in blue and green. Whoever’s winning at the time I’ll cheer for.”

She laughs, and they start falling into easy conversation. Sirius feels like it’s going well,
though he doesn’t fully know. They’re just talking about life and things. This is something
he’d do with his friends. Must be different when it’s a girl.

Every time he spots his roommates, James and Peter give him two big thumbs up in support,
which makes him flush. Remus seems very determined to ignore him this week. Sirius
doesn’t understand what’s been going on, he’s fallen into some negative spirits and he doesn’t
know why. He was happy the day they got back. More than happy, actually.

He also assumed Remus would be in higher spirits after Lily rejected James, but he’s been
fine at James’ side the whole time. Is Sirius the problem? What did he do?

Maybe he could ask him tonight. Is that considered prying? Maybe?

He pays these thoughts no mind in the end because he’s with Marlene and that is obviously
what’s important right now. She’s chuckling at another joke he makes, but she isn’t doing
what other girls have been doing with him. She doesn’t twirl her hair or giggle or even make
an excuse to touch his arm.

It’s just so friendly.

She tells him funny stories of her and one of her friends, Cynthia, and he ends up laughing
too. She forgot her glasses in the dorm and assumed she could just go to Potions anyway. The
cauldron blew up and Marlene didn’t even care about the failing grade for once because she
was on the floor cackling.

“—and her eyebrows got singed off too, it was hilarious !” She says through tears. “I had to
whip up a new potion just to grow them back. She has too much trust in me, cause if I messed
that up, she would have looked like she had a squirrel tail above her eyes.”

Sirius hides his face in his hands at the disaster, finding his cheeks tight with a smile on them.
“Peter did something like that, the result not nearly as bad, he’s just got sweaty hands and
dropped a whole vial into the cauldron. Glass and all.”

“The glass?”

“Yes!”

Marlene chokes out, “Merlin! I’m surprised we haven’t died yet, really.”

“Oh, well I’m good at Potions,” he says.

“Evans level good?”

Sirius grits his teeth awkwardly. “Well, no.”

“That was the answer I wanted,” Marlene grins. “No one’s better at it than her. Not me, not
you, not anyone.”

The night is coming to a close, and with every passing minute he gets more and more
nervous. Things are going very well, and James’ lay of steps have left imprints on his mind.
And at the end of the date, you kiss her.

Merlin, is it weird that he doesn’t want to? They’re having a good time, but the idea of
kissing her sounds like the idea of kissing Lily. Meaning gross.
Not that Marlene is gross, she isn’t. She’s pretty and interesting and funny, but he doesn’t
feel…

“I think we should head back soon, no?” Marlene says, glancing past him at the train a ways
away. They’re quite close, and her breath makes a puff of white mist in the cold.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Play cool.

“Probably,” he mutters, staring right at her. She’s about the same height as him and glances
up only slightly. “This was…fun.”

She pulls her lips in, nodding. “Yeah. Very fun. I like talking with you, I really do.”

What does he do? What the hell is he supposed to do? He doesn’t even like hugging people
he isn’t close to, he’s meant to kiss her?!

Marlene also seems to be having some inner conflict, searching his face with furrowed brows
and a slight frown.

“Should we…?”

Sirius’ face explodes with heat. “Probably, right?”

“Have you…”

“No.”

He probably shouldn’t have admitted that so quickly, but she nods in understanding. “Yeah,
me either. Well, it’s not like anyone’s watching. I’d say go for it.”

“Go for it?”

“Mhm.”

Sirius panics, not sure what to do with his hands, or if she’d let him touch her shoulder or
something. He’s seen his parents kiss. Sort of. Kind of. For events and such.

Hesitantly, he reaches out and grasps her hand and Marlene glances at it warily. She takes a
stiff step closer.

Godric, this is awkward. They look like two magnets on the wrong sides.

She’s right there in front of him, just do it already. Imagine he comes back and tells the rest
that he didn’t even kiss her? That’s embarrassing.

He tilts his head slightly so they don’t just bump foreheads and squeezes his eyes shut very
tight. His lips touch hers for about half a second before Marlene backs off. To his horror, she
starts laughing.
Oh, throw him into a bloody ditch, she’s laughing at him.

“I’m sorry,” she says through giggles, and not the good kind. Her hand is covering her mouth.
“I just don’t think—It’s not your fault!” Marlene holds a hand out to assure him. “Really, I
just um…well, I think you’re really funny, Sirius. I mean it. But you can tell we’re not meant
for this, can’t you?”

Reluctantly, Sirius nods. He really wants to crawl into a hole. “Yeah. I didn’t wanna say it,
but you just feel like…”

“A friend?”

“Yes. Is that a problem?”

Marlene shakes her head. “No, not a problem! I like friends, always love having more of
them. Sure, my first ever date is sort of a failure now, but I liked hanging out,” she smiles.
“You’ve got about twenty pretty birds lined up just for you, I don’t think you’ll have a
problem finding another date for tomorrow.”

Honestly, this is a whole lot of work. Spending time with Marlene is fun, but he really just
wants to hang out with his friends. Maybe he’s not cut out for this yet.

“Thanks,” he says quietly. “See you…whenever?”

“Totally! See ya, Sirius,” she beams, patting him on the back and leaving him in the middle
of the trees.

After he’s sure she’s out of earshot, he groans and runs his hands down his face. What does
he tell the others when he gets back on the train? Well, he does get to say he got his first kiss,
even if it was so brief he could have imagined it. Does he tell them he felt nothing? He felt
nerves, and that’s it.

Sirius was sure he liked her.

By the time he recollects the cloak and sneaks onto the train, he tells them what happened the
best way he can.

“I kissed her, but there wasn’t much of a connection.”

For the first time since the day after they got back, Remus doesn’t look as pissy. “You’re
done with her?” He asks.

Sirius nods casually. “Yeah, no big deal. You win some, you lose some.”

“But hey, you got your first kiss!” James exclaims, bumping shoulders with him. “Even if it
was lackluster, it still happened. You’re the first of us, that’s a bragging point.”

He smiles smugly despite the pit in his chest. “Yep, now you’ve gotta catch up.”
 James scoffs a laugh. “Give me a bit, I’ve got a plan in progress. You know what, I’ll bet you
Peter is the next to kiss a girl.”

Peter goes bright red. “How?!” He squeaks. “I don’t even talk to girls.”

“Get your charm on, Pete, I’m betting on you now.”

“I didn’t agree to a bet,” Sirius says.

James shrugs, leaning back in the booth. “Okay wait, I’m changing it. How about this? If I
get a kiss from Evans before Peter does from any girl, you’re doing my Transfiguration
homework for a week.”

Sirius nods slowly, knowing he’s already won. “And if you don’t?”

“I do yours.”

Immediately, he stretches a hand out to James and shakes on it.

“What about Remus?” Peter brings up. “Get him in on it.”

Remus turns to him with wide eyes, but James speaks up first, “Well, he said he’s not up for
dating, I won’t make him do that.”

“I never agreed to it!” Peter says in a shrill tone.

“Okay, do you agree?”

Peter huffs, crossing his arms. “Well, I’d win if I did. Because Evans isn’t kissing you if her
life depended on it.” There’s a moment of silence. “Fine.”

James shakes his hand enthusiastically. “Atta boy, Pete!”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: panic attack

I love the five-hundred red flags of this chapter, it’s good atmosphere. Sirius having a
panic attack the day he needs to go out on a date, which could mean nothing. Marlene’s
behavior…which could also mean nothing. Remus admiring everything about Sirius
which—you get the point.
Don’t worry about James’ behavior, I will be changing it in a very specific way soon.
Take that as you will. Hope you enjoyed!
 Third Year: Anathema
Chapter Summary

Anathema: Someone dedicated to God as a sacrifice, cursed and separated from God
because of sin.
Or, something or someone that one vehemently dislikes.

Chapter Notes

Words: 5.4k

First half of the summary will make sense eventually :)

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JANUARY 17, 1974

Defense class has yet to start, and Dorcas watches Marlene enthusiastically go over her failed
date. Luckily, Sirius and his friends haven’t gotten here yet, so she can talk all she wants.

“I can’t believe you laughed at him,” Mary giggles.

“It wasn’t at him!” Marlene exclaims. “He didn’t look comfortable either, it felt like we had
negative romantic chemistry. I’ve never seen that in my life!”

“So are you just friends now or something?” Dorcas asks.

“I’d like to be. Dunno what he thinks, we haven’t spoken since then.”

Lily grimaces. “Ooh, yikes. Haven’t seen him encouraging the other girls though, maybe that
means something?”

“Like being traumatized,” Alice chips in.

Dorcas nods. “Same way he won’t go near the girls’ stairs after getting thrown by them in
first year.”

Marlene snorts, covering her mouth in amusement. “Did that really happen?”
“Mhm. Watched it with my own eyes.”

“Blimey.”

Sirius and the others walk in, and they quickly hush each other and act like they’re not
talking about him. For a moment she thinks, oh Godric, I’m part of the problem. But it’s not
like she’s attracted to him. She doesn’t care about that. Marlene doesn’t seem to care either.
It’s that thing she does where she moves on as soon as things happen.

Dorcas has been quite busy lately, spending a great deal of time studying all of what she’s
been learning. Her last lessons have all been similar, where Ainsworth goes over more history
and definitions and whatnot. She’s got a notebook dedicated to it now and keeps it on her at
all times. If she loses sight of it, somebody could take it and find out what she’s been doing.

Just having the knowledge isn’t a bad thing, she’s been made aware of that. Only, he’s going
to ask her to use it eventually, and she doesn’t know if she can. Physically or emotionally.
That’s a lot to ask from a thirteen year old girl.

Ainsworth enters the class with a rolling wardrobe that rattles on its way in. Dorcas already
knows it’s the Boggart lesson, he told her it would be. Finding out everyone in the class’
biggest fears doesn’t sound like her idea of fun on a Thursday afternoon, but that seems to be
what’s happening.

He starts the lesson like normal, explaining what a Boggart is and how to defeat it and all
that. She knows these things already. Honestly regular classes have gotten pretty boring now
that he teaches her what they learn and beyond that.

“Did he teach you this?” Marlene whispers at her side.

Dorcas realizes she’s been visibly not paying attention and sits up, mumbling, “Yeah, for the
most part. Haven’t actually gone against a Boggart, though.”

This makes Marlene chuckle for some reason. “Ha. You’re gonna be on our level for once.”

“You are on my level. Past it in most things.”

“Dunno about past.”

Dorcas furrows her brows. “You are, are you mad?”

Marlene waves her off, bringing her attention back onto the lesson. It’s sort of fun to watch
because as he speaks the wardrobe keeps shaking with fervor.

Once he finishes, he calls everyone up to the center of the room with their wands at the ready.
Just about everyone looks put off by the idea of doing this in front of everyone.

“This is a no judgment zone!” Ainsworth reassures. “It is for practice in case any of you
come in contact with these, and we will be respectful. Understood?”
Murmurs of agreement sound throughout the class. This is one of the many times she’s been
glad they don’t have Defense with the Slytherins, they’d give them a hell of a time
afterwards.

It seems like no one wants to go first, everyone scooting further back to the corner of the
class. Ever fearless Sirius Black seems adamant on staying out of sight, which intrigues her.
Maybe it shouldn’t, but they were talking about him earlier, he’s stuck on the brain.

Ironically enough, it seems like most of the Gryffindor boys are keeping their distance. So
much for bravery.

Dorcas isn’t scared of much, and with a shrug she steps to the front to face the rattling
wardrobe.

“Ah, Miss Meadowes, I had a feeling you’d volunteer,” Ainsworth says happily, moving to
hold the wooden handles. “How ready are you?”

“Quite.”

He smiles. “Alright, remember, think happy thoughts!”

Quickly, he pulls the wardrobe open and its movements stop. Dorcas readies her wand at her
side.

A young woman steps out of the wardrobe, and for a second she nearly mistakes her for her
mum. She’s tall and would look pretty if not for the sunken bloodshot eyes and chapped lips.
Her hair is in short cornrows, but they look months old and dirty. There are scars lined around
her arms and etched onto her face.

Dorcas can’t help the criticisms snaking their way through her thoughts. What is so scary
about this? It’s just some sad lady. She doesn’t speak, hardly even blinks, like a shell. Maybe
that’s meant to be the scary part.

She hasn’t cast Riddikulus yet simply out of curiosity. In fact, Dorcas steps closer, eyeing her
up. Her clothes are tarnished, all black and gray. She gets on her tip-toes to examine her face,
and empty deep brown eyes finally move to meet hers.

Her heart drops to a pit in her guts. In the woman’s hand is a wand crackling small sparks of
green that are so faint she can hardly see them. But she knows that wand, yew wood with
dragon heartstring, and she drags her gaze back up to her face.

And she knows.

“Riddikulus!” Dorcas casts.

Suddenly, a pumpkin grows around her head and throws her off balance. Dorcas chuckles at
the imagery, but it doesn’t help that gut feeling of horror. The Boggart easily slips back into
the wardrobe for the next person.
The class claps for her performance as she moves to sit back down and observe everyone
else. That fear of hers, what is it exactly? There is no doubt in her mind that she just stared
into the vacant eyes of herself much older, but what does it mean?

She could ask Ainsworth. See if he has an idea how to interpret these kinds of things.

The class slowly makes its way through the exercise, and Dorcas finds herself pretty
interested in some of these fears. She knows it’s a no judgment zone, but it’s like a peek into
someone’s soul for a brief moment. It’s fascinating.

Like Lily, who gets surrounded by a crowd of people talking and laughing with one another,
but none of them acknowledge her. Or Mary, who is somehow tormented by a great big
blinding light in the shape of a man overhead. Interestingly enough, James and Remus’
boggarts are quite similar, though the latter is far more bloody. Dead friends, dead family.
Both visibly shaken and being comforted by their friends afterwards.

Last in line, Sirius Black walks up to the wardrobe, likely realizing he should have just gone
earlier based on the nervous glances around. Now everyone’s back in their seats and watching
him like it’s a stage show.

The door rattles and opens on its own, and a tall woman in fine garb walks out with her head
held high. Sirius takes a sharp breath, a bitter smile twitching onto his face.

“Knew it,” he mutters.

The woman is clearly his mum, based on the fact that their features are nearly identical. Sleek
black hair, pale skin, sharp nose, stone gray irises. It must hurt to look exactly like your worst
fear, but Dorcas might understand that now. She doesn’t think she can unsee those vacant
bloodshot eyes.

Across the room, James seems eager to get to his feet, but Remus holds his elbow to keep
him seated.

His Boggart Mother begins to slowly pace towards him and Sirius takes just as many steps
back in time. They’re practically moving in sync. Before she can even open her mouth, he
does away with her and turns her outfit into a cheap glittery pink dress with a large bow on
her head.

They both stop in their tracks, his mum staring down at the ridiculous outfit while Sirius
chokes on laughter. Her eyes are wild and filled with fury, but now it just looks ridiculous.
She begins to retreat back into the wardrobe. Sirius turns his back on her and cackles all the
way back to his seat, plopping down next to James and whispering to him excitedly.

“Fantastic job, everyone!” Ainsworth applauds, getting a lock around the handles of the
wardrobe and pushing it to the side. “Wonderful, I knew you’d all do brilliantly. Facing our
fears and beating them down! I’ll see you all next class on Monday.”

People begin putting their things away and shuffling out, but Dorcas stays rooted in her seat.
Lily glances back.
“You coming, or…?” She asks.

“Yeah, I’ve just gotta ask something. I’ll catch up in a minute.”

Lily frowns, glancing between her and Ainsworth before nodding and going with the others,
leaving the two of them alone.

Dorcas hasn’t announced her stubborn presence and Ainsworth has his back to her, so when
he says, “Something you need, Dorcas?”, it certainly takes her off guard.

“Yes, actually,” she says, getting down to the empty center of the room. “What did you
think?”

He turns slightly. “Of?”

“The Boggart.”

Ainsworth is busying himself with papers and such, and it makes her antsy. “In general, or
yours?” He asks absentmindedly.

She stands her ground. “Mine.”

A drawer is closed and he turns, placing his hands flat on the raised desk. “I thought you did
a fantastic job, as usual.”

“Well, yes, but I mean what it was,” Dorcas clarifies. “I know what it is at surface level, it’s
me but older and sad. But I didn’t understand what it meant. It’s my biggest fear, shouldn’t I
know it?”

Ainsworth glances around in thought. “Yours was definitely an interesting one, I’ll admit. I’m
used to the dead loved ones and heights and the dark, but I’ve never seen one like that.” He
frowns in approval. “You continue to surprise me.”

Dorcas smiles a bit smugly, somehow feeling good about her greatest fear, and he continues,
“I don’t think it’s so simple a fear as just yourself. If that was the case, it would have just
been you as you are. But that wasn’t it.” He hums, tapping his fingers on the desk. “I believe
you are scared of your potential, Dorcas.”

Cogs turn in her head, and she slowly nods. It makes sense…too much sense. Ainsworth
understanding something buried in the depths of her mind makes her wonder just how easy
she is to read. It’s not like he used Legilimens on her—something he’s briefly touched on in
the recent lessons—he just knew.

“I want to see her again,” she blurts out.

“…Are you sure?”

“Yes.”
Slowly, Ainsworth gets off the raised platform and approaches the rattling wardrobe. “You’re
brave beyond your years, you know? I know very few that would willingly face their fear
twice,” he comments, unlocking the door and letting it fall open.

Dorcas watches as she walks out stiffly from the shadows, almost robotic. Now knowing
exactly what it is, it makes her heart race and breath catch in her lungs. It’s not just some sad
woman, it’s what she could be. A carved out shell with magic sizzling out of her wand like
she can’t control it anymore. Like she’s lost it.

She steps closer to herself and notices all the fine lines between her brows and around her
mouth that’s set into a permanent frown. She could be nineteen or fifty, there’s no way to
know.

Weirdly enough, Dorcas wishes she’d do something. Maybe it’d give her a reason to think
this could never be her, this immovable object and unstoppable force.

Her thoughts are screaming to back away like a fight or flight reflex. It tingles under her skin
and almost burns in a way, just to look at herself.

Centimeters from her own battered face, she breathes, “What happened to you?”

Those same brown eyes drag over to meet hers, and it sends chills down her spine, enough
that she has to fall back a few paces. She just looks so angry. Not some shallow anger like
being in a mood with someone, no, she looks like the face of rage itself.

“Riddikulus!” She shouts, and the same outcome from her first casting happens once more.
The Boggart is pulled back into the wardrobe and the doors are shut and locked tightly.

They stand in silence and she can feel him watching her. Dorcas’ eyes are glued to the ground
with a twisted frown similar to her Boggart’s. This has all made her feel uncomfortable in her
own skin, as if she has to scrub herself clean from this encounter.

“Are you all right, Dorcas?” Ainsworth asks quietly.

She’s frozen, wand still at her side with that deep frown. Practically a mirror image, she can
see it so clearly.

A comforting hand is placed on her shoulder. “Hey, you did great, okay?”

Dorcas nods, pulling her lips in sadly. “…I don’t want to be that,” she whispers.

“That’s why we do this. Control,” Ainsworth says, turning her to face him. “I said you have
potential, but you saw how her face looked? So much anger. We won’t have this problem if
we do this properly. Got that?”

Something deep down in her bones and blood has this feeling. She looks up to her Professor
and it sparks some tingling fear in her fingertips. The source isn’t clear, it could be the
Boggart, the knowledge that she has to keep going, or the way she’s being spoken to—like a
loose cannon. Everything feels so deliberate. Like things slowly moving into place for
something she doesn’t understand, and won’t unless she sticks by his side.
She needs more.

Dorcas strengthens her resolve. “I understand.”

Ainsworth smiles. “Good. Do you feel okay enough to go to your next class? You can stick
around if not.”

“I think I’m okay,” she says quietly. He removes his hand from her shoulder and lets her
return to her belongings at the desk. Dorcas puts her bag around her shoulder and glances
over to him now moving the wardrobe elsewhere. “Thank you, Professor,” she calls out.

He turns to her and sighs lightly. “I’ve told you, none of this formal talk. Lazarus or
Ainsworth works just fine.”

Dorcas wrinkles her nose up. “It’s so casual. I just feel…with respect and all that—“

“Oh, please, we’re beyond that. I’m not Dumbledore.”

“Certainly not.”

He chuckles, “I’ll see you Monday, Dorcas.”

She nods once with a high-pitched hum. “Yes. See you Monday…Lazarus…?”

Using a professor’s first name makes her feel like she’s done something wrong, but he
gestures out in approval.

“There you go. Not so hard, was it?”

Dorcas turns, smiling to herself. “Nope. See you!”

———

JANUARY 19, 1974

Sirius loudly closes yet another book on Werewolves he’s finished and groans, having
absolutely no luck. He’s had to tell Madam Pince he’s got a huge project about them so she
won’t be suspicious about his newfound habit of being in the library picking out Werewolf
books.

With James off his back about kissing girls now that he’s done it, he’s got the time to do what
he really wants: Get back aching pain from leaning over books to help his friend's furry
problem.
It’s actually pretty nice here. Quiet, unassuming, not filled with girls who want to stare at
him. Okay, the way Sirius talks about it makes it sound like he hates the latter, he doesn’t.
Girls are fine and all, but it gets weird when they’re a bit out of his age range. Like Merlin,
did everyone just discover he exists after the holiday?

Anyway, he’s on his second run-through of every Werewolf book since he only skimmed
them the first time around, and he hopes for just something. Anything. A single sentence.

He would’ve started the animagus process a long time ago if only he could just find out if
he’d be killing himself after all of that work. It’s just one simple question: Does a Werewolf
know an animagus is really a human? Sirius isn’t too keen on finally getting to be an animal
then being mauled to death. It’s not Remus’ fault, and he’s not scared of him, he just wants to
be safe. It’s perfectly reasonable.

James is busy scouring more books they may have missed out on to keep his hands busy. If
he’s honest, James is like a walking ball of energy lately, so he’s basically sent him out for a
walk. There’s little else they can go through, so he doesn’t expect to get much back.

Only…when he does, the boy is carrying about five large books that he drops to the table
with a bang. Sirius just about ruins his trousers.

“Oi!” He complains, dog-earing and neglecting the one he’s currently going through to eye at
the new ones. “What’s all this?”

James sits across from him and cocks his head like a puppy. “You told me to get books.”

“I’ve read all the Werewolf ones already.”

“Yeah, I know.” James grins, pushing them closer. “What about the ones on animagi?”

Sirius frowns. “I‘ve read a couple…”

“You’ll read through the Werewolf books you’ve said are contradictory twice, but you won’t
read through all the animagi books once?”

He’s got a point. Sirius shoots him a glare anyway, sliding a book off the pile closer to him.
“Alright…” He mumbles. “Get reading four-eyes.”

“I’ll give you four eyes.”

“Funny how that means nothing.”

James rolls his eyes with a smile. “Merlin, you’re like Remus now.”

Sirius’ ears go hot. “I am not!” He scoffs, opening the cover of his book and skimming the
chapters.

“No, look at us. Studying and reading. I bet you Remus is doing the same thing right now.”
“Yeah, with Evans I bet,” he grumbles. James doesn’t respond and he glances up, finding he’s
being given a look. “What?”

“Why’d you say it like that?”

“…Like what?”

James leans his elbows on the table—something Walburga would wrinkle her nose at—and
says, “Like you’re implying something about them. I heard it.”

Sirius blinks. “No, I didn’t.”

“You did!”

“Did not.”

James doesn’t relent. “Did too! What are you trying to get at?”

Sirius opens and closes his mouth a few times, unsure if lying is the better thing to do. But he
doesn’t like lying to James, so he just sucks it up and says it. “I think they fancy each other.”

James is silent, glancing around as if considering this possibility. Eventually, he actually

looks quite pouty. “Do you think?” He says. “Like…really?”

He shrugs, rubbing his finger on the old page in the book just for the texture. “I mean,
they’ve always been quite close, haven’t they? I walked into their study session—they were
on the same sofa mind you—and Evans says I was ‘interrupting them’. Like okay, woah.
Sorry to ruin your moment,” he spews out, bitterness coating his words.

“But, Remus knows I…y’know…” James mumbles.

“Well, I don’t think he’s acting on it or anything,” he says, “I just think—well, you remember
how he said ‘who says I don’t?’ after you said he didn’t fancy anyone?”

“And the only girl he’s friends with is Evans!” James hisses, bringing his hands up to run
through his hair. He sits there for a long moment with his jaw dropped. “Oh…Sirius, we’re in
it now.”

“In it?”

“I’ve gotta talk to him later.”

Sirius’ eyes go wide. “Have you really got to, though?”

“Yes!” James exclaims. “Can’t have him getting in the way of my plans, no matter how much
he’s my friend. Here I am, reading fifty thousand books to do something illegal for him, and
here he is trying to take Evans!”

“Dunno about take—“

James grumbles, interrupting him and rocking his chair back and forth. “And he didn’t even
tell me? That’s a load of bollocks!”

Sirius grimaces. “Well, maybe he just—“

“Once we’re done with this I am going to have a discussion with him and you will be there.”

“What have I got to do with it?” He whines. Not a page has been read so far. Maybe this is
why it’s taking so long for them to get their plan started.

“You’re the messenger,” James says simply. “So we go to him and convince him to not fancy
Evans anymore.”

Sirius thinks he’d rather die, but that’s besides the point.

“Bloody hell, James, just get reading already.”

James continues to grumble to himself before slumping into the expanse of the large book to
read through it.

As soon as Sirius starts actually skimming, he notices multiple chapters dedicated solely to
the way animagi interact with real animals, magical and non-magical. His eyes widen and he
aggressively flips to the page number to read with the most focus he has ever read something
in his life.

And Merlin, this thing details way too many animals for his liking. He turns to the magical
animal section and tongue in cheek, begins to go through every word in detail. It’s like
Fantastic Beasts only way different, and he’s just silently begging in his head please please
please.

He hopes if this does end up working out that Remus doesn’t kill him—metaphorically
obviously. Yes, he’s doing all this research so the killing isn’t literal either, but he doesn’t
know what he’d do if Remus didn’t like it. All of this is just to help him out, even if it’s in a
particularly illegal way.

Remus likes when Sirius does things to help, he can tell. That hug he gave him would be a
good signifier of it. Sirius hadn’t expected it at all, in fact, he thought Remus would either
give him his usual ‘thanks’ with a shy smile or make it silently obvious he didn’t want it.

Discovering that his friend is warm and gives hugs like it’s the last thing he’ll do was…
surprising. Sirius stood frozen like an idiot for a few seconds before letting his hands rest on
the soft green jumper he keeps wearing. Realizing Remus wasn’t reaching up all that high
was what had him reeling back and assessing him over. The wanker got taller. Ridiculous,
really.

He’s getting sidetracked, so Sirius shakes himself out of it to refocus. So much for
concentration.

He flips through some more given that it’s alphabetical, and if Werewolves are in here they’ll
be much further down.
Sphinx, Streeler—he’s had enough of those—,Tebo, Troll, Unicorn, Werewolf.

Sirius inhales sharply, diving nose first onto the page.

“Sirius, you’ve got a funny face on,” James comments.

He does have a funny face on, eyes wide and mouth gaping that quickly stretches into a grin.

“I’ve got it!” He practically shouts in the library.

“What?!”

Humming happily and tapping his feet on the floor, he reads out the two sentences he’s been
tearing books apart for. “Werewolves are no predator to nonhumans as it is not animal flesh
they seek, it is strictly human. Any form of animal, so long as it looks, smells, and behaves
like an animal, will be safe from a Werewolf’s appetite!”

James jumps up from his chair, shuffling around the table to nosedive into the book too.
“Shut up, you’re lying!”

Sirius laughs in glee. “Look, it’s right there! It says—“

“I know what it says!”

“James, we just—” He beams and hops to his feet, doing a little dance. “We got it!”

“I know, I know, I know!”

He wraps James up into a clumsy hug, jumping up and down as they cackle in delight.
They’re quickly hushed by Madam Pince, but he doesn’t even care. He’s vibrating with
excitement. It’ll work. It’s going to work.

———

Dancing through the castle with Sirius all the way back up to the tower makes James
completely forget about his plan to talk to Remus.

They’re practically crying with laughter hanging off one another when they step through the
portrait, and James’ smile drops. Sirius has gone quiet too.

Maybe Sirius is a psychic or something, but the fact that he was almost spot on is bordering
hilarious. There Remus and Lily are—Mary’s there too, but he tunnel visions—sitting and
playing Wizard’s Chess together. Lily’s smiling at him, and though he can’t see Remus’ face,
he’s sure he’s smiling too.
He glances at Sirius who happens to meet his gaze at the same time, and they look equally
annoyed. James purses his lips and makes his presence known by walking further in the
room. Lily’s eyes catch his and she immediately becomes unsmiling.

“Good game, Remus?” He asks, patting a hand on his shoulder. Remus glances up at him and
furrows his brows. “Doesn’t matter, Mary, sub in for him.”

Mary looks up from a colorful muggle magazine with a bunch of blokes on it. “You’re not
ordering me around,” she says, bringing the paper back over her eyes.

“Okay, game over then,” James decides. “Remus, mind joining me?”

“Uh…” Remus eyes flick between him and Sirius. “Something going on…or?”

Sirius butts in to lightly grab Remus, pulling him along and up the stairs by the elbow.
Miraculously, he just follows with only a ‘sorry’ look at Lily up the stairs.

“Really, Potter?” She groans.

James shrugs, smiling at her lips twisted into a frown and the thin brows that lower over her
eyes. “Got things to discuss, I’m sure you understand.”

“Right. Move along now.”

A giggle threatens to escape him, but he swallows it down and clears his throat quickly. “Yes,
will be going now.”

He stiffly spins around to move up the stairs, catching one more glimpse of her sitting close
beside Mary to read her magazine. James throws on a stern face right before pushing through
the door and finding a very awkward Remus still being elbow-grabbed by Sirius. On his own
bed is Peter, clearly confused but entertained nonetheless.

“You can let me go now,” Remus mutters.

Sirius does. “I didn’t want you to run away.”

With a scoff, he throws his hands out in a confused gesture. “What the hell is going on? Run
away, what am I—“

“This is a confrontation!” James announces, pulling out a chair and forcing Remus down into
it.

“Are you mad?”

“Yeah. Now, you will say the truth and only the truth.”

Remus looks behind him desperately at Peter. “Help?”

Peter shrugs. “Mate, I’ve got no clue what’s going on.”

“You will say the truth and only the truth!” James repeats, wagging a finger in his face.

The boy just sits there, looking up at him like he’s lost his mind. “What, am I meant to repeat
that?”

“You will—“

“Merlin’s ba—I will say the truth and only the truth, James,” Remus drawls.

James hums in contentment, pacing around the chair. This is actually quite fun, if he’s honest.

“I’m looking for a confession here, Lupin.”

“Sirius, can you tell James he’s mad out of his mind?”

Sirius grimaces, replying, “I influenced this. Sorry.”

“Do you,“ James starts loudly, “or do you not have a particular liking for one Lily Evans?”

Remus narrows his eyes. “She’s my friend, yeah.”

“Not what I asked.”

“What? What are you asking?”

James sighs raggedly. “Do you fancy a certain redhead with really nice eyes?”

He watches it click in Remus’ mind, and he finally looks amused. James raises a brow at him
anyway.

“You think…” He chuckles. “You think I fancy Lily?” Remus starts choking on laughter,
caving into himself and giggling while the rest of them are awkward witnesses. It’s actually
the most he’s heard Remus laugh in a while, so he’s not too upset about all of this, even if it’s
to mock James. He pulls his hands off his eyes, which are actually tearing up. “James, you
really…you really think…?”

James shoots a look at Sirius, who now looks rather embarrassed. “He said it!”

“You think I fancy Lily?!”

Remus doesn’t sound so amused anymore.

Sirius sputters out total nonsense before throwing his hands up. “You’re together all the time!
And you implied you fancied someone, you’ve only got one girl friend!”

“That’s not even true,” he says. “Mary and I are acquainted, I’ll have you know.”

“Okay, do you fancy Mary?”

“No!” Remus stresses, getting to his feet. “I don’t fancy anybody! I was just saying that
because you were all getting on my nerves, Godric.”
“Oh,” Sirius mutters, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, that’s awkward. I had this whole
plan to split you and Evans up.”

Remus blinks at him, eyes darkening. “You’re mad. They call me the loony one, and you’re
making things up that don’t even exist. We’re friends, Sirius. James, too. Fun fact, you can be
friends with girls without wanting to snog them!” He criticizes wildly. “In fact, all this girl
talk is driving me up the wall. Why are all of you so different all of a sudden? We’re not even
having fun, why do you think I’m hanging out with Lily so much?”

James is left speechless, but Sirius doesn’t seem to be. In fact, it’s like a storm has swelled
behind his expression in a split second.

“We’re getting older, it’s just normal. No need to be all bitter about it,” he retorts. “Just
because you don’t want to doesn’t mean we can’t.”

“It’s not a matter of wanting to or not, I can’t. And anyway, I’m certainly not stopping you
from snogging every girl who looks your way. Have at it. I don’t care! I’m just saying it’s
been only two weeks and I’m already tired of the same conversation every day.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “You’re being ridiculous, it’s not the same conversation.”

“But it is!” Remus shouts before visibly deflating. “I’m not arguing anymore, it’s stupid.”

“Yeah, it is stupid.”

“That’s not—“ He takes a deep breath and moves past James. “Enjoy yourselves,” Remus
says and slams the door behind him.

The three of them stand in silence for a minute, James unsure if he should follow Remus and
if that would even be something he wanted. Probably not. Let him blow off steam.

Sirius lets out a slow breath, rubbing his eyes with his hand before sitting on the edge of his
bed.

“You didn’t have to say all of that,” James mutters.

Sirius frowns, pulling his shoes off before scooting back and under the covers. “He said a lot
more than I did.”

“Yeah, but c’mon. He said he can’t go out with girls because he’s a Werewolf, maybe he’s
just feeling left out. You should apologize.”

“As soon as he does,” Sirius says.

“No, no way!” He scolds. “I’m not doing last year again, you’re talking to him when he gets
back. I mean it!”

“Merlin,” he groans. “This isn’t even close to what happened before. It’s just a stupid spat,
we’ll be over it tomorrow. And it’s not like I hate him, I’m in the middle of doing something
illegal just so he doesn’t feel bad. Trust me James, we’re fine.”
 Surprisingly, James gives up and sighs to sit on the edge of his own bed. Sirius isn’t wrong
necessarily, but he really hates when people are arguing, and especially them two considering
their history of being on-and-off. At least he was here for it this time for if it gets out of
hand.

Sirius and Peter seem quite unbothered by Remus’ outburst, but James just feels pity. Sure,
there might be some girls who won’t mind him being a Werewolf, but it’s not a common
mindset to have. Even if Remus lied about not liking Lily—which James now doubts—he’d
understand why he would. She accepts him as he is.

If he’s honest, that just makes James like her more. He enjoys the little bits and pieces he gets
from her as a person, although he usually just gets glares and eye rolls. He has no idea why
he made that bet, realistically he knows she’s not going to date him, at least not yet. James is
playing the long game here, he needs time. Chances are he’ll be doing Sirius’ Transfiguration
homework in a few months if Peter gets any courage.

In the meantime, he’ll mail his dad for some more advice as well as wait to see how all of…
this plays out.

Hopefully it all gets better.

———

Chapter End Notes

James POV is gonna go missing for a minute this isn’t important at all. Obviously. But
it’s currently January, you’ll see the date when the next one is :)

Anyway, Dorcas is having a huge moment this chapter and that boggart has totally just
changed her entire life outlook. Just so you know.

I also need to apologize in advance for the Wolfstar of it all coming up.
 Third Year: Avoidant
Chapter Summary

Two performers.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.3k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

FEBRUARY 14, 1974

“I think I’ve graduated from go fish by now,” Alice says, muggle cards spread out in her
hands. “What’s more complicated?”

Lily narrows her eyes in thought. “Poker? Mary, is poker step two or is that a big jump?”

“Bit of a jump. But not so bad, I wanna play poker,” she replies with a smile, putting her
cards back in the pile. “We could use fake chips for it.”

Behind all of them is Mary’s turntable softly playing ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’, and she
hums along to it. Recently she found out that Remus never really listened to music before he
got this record player for Sirius, which was devastating news, really. Lily wants to show him
all the music in the world, it’s what he deserves.

“We could use gobstones or something,” Lily suggests, “or Bertie’s Beans.”

Mary giggles. “Or…gobstones as chips then when you lose a round, you’ve got to eat a
bean.”

“I’m up for it!” Alice exclaims.

“Mmm.” Lily wrinkles her nose up. “Then your breath is gonna smell,” she says to Mary,
greatly worried about kissing her later.

Mary stiffens but plays it off with an awkward chuckle. “So? It’ll be fun, who cares.”
Lily sighs internally, busying her hands with shuffling the deck before her. She can feel
Mary’s lingering gaze, but doesn’t meet it. Guilt is currently eating away at her for this, but
she wishes Alice weren’t here. And she can’t believe she’s thinking it, because she loves
Alice, she’s one of her best friends. Dorcas is currently out at another lesson—of which have
been more frequent lately—and she couldn’t help feeling happy about it, too.

Mary is just so much more fun when they’re alone. Since the birth of their secret, she isn’t as
publically playful as she used to be. She doesn’t hug Lily so much anymore, doesn’t offer her
hand to help her stand, won’t take her gloves if Lily offers them. It’s like she’s wary of every
little move now that she knows what they could mean.

However, the restraint falls the moment they’re on their own. Like on her fourteenth birthday
a couple weeks ago, Mary looked tense the whole day. It worried her and put her on edge too.
Once the lights were out and the others were asleep, Mary had surprised her by sneaking into
her bed and kissing her senseless. Maybe twenty minutes later, she was gone. Lily was left
dazed and the furthest thing from tired.

She could hardly look at her friend the next day without feeling hot under her collar. So much
so that Mary had to pass her a note that said ‘stop looking at me like that’ during History of
Magic. Because yes, Lily can be bothered in the middle of the most mind-numbing class on
the planet.

Of course she got back at Mary, she wasn’t just going to let her get away with that. See how
she likes being pressed into her pillow until her brain goes fuzzy.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and Lily wants to have Mary for herself again. No, they’re not
technically anything, as she’s constantly reminded, but she can’t help the way her brain
works. She’s the only one snogging her, and she’s also the only one Mary wraps herself
around at night. That’s something, no matter how much Mary thinks God is watching or
whatever.

She knows that’s what’s holding Mary back at her core. It’s deeper than she thought it had
been, judging by her Boggart that took the shape of the closest physical idea to God. Just
some glowing floating man. Even as a kid, Lily could never get on the idea, her mum always
had to drag her to Church. But whatever, it’s not stopping Mary from kissing her in general,
so she’ll take what she can get.

“Yeah,” Lily says. She clears her throat. “Sounds good.”

They take turns explaining the game to Alice, begin the game, and Lily’s distracted the entire
time. She just can’t help it. Mary gets all these gross flavored beans, and she still wants to
snog her, that’s dedication.

Even when Dorcas comes back, putting a notebook away in silence, Lily’s mind is far away.
She might be coming down with something, because she just can’t help the pull she’s feeling
more than ever. It tingles along her skin like a mild burn and keeps her lungs feeling like
weights.
Mary catches her too, rapidly blinking away and shifting where she sits on the rug. It’s
satisfying in a way. Tongue in cheek, Lily smiles to herself.

“What’s wrong with you?” Mary whispers hours later. It sounds like she’s trying to put some
malice in it, but it fails considering Lily’s hovering over her with a smug grin.

She feigns innocence despite this. “What?”

“You know.”

“Do I?”

Mary pouts. “You’re getting…bold, it’s just,” she says, but her expression slowly drops. “I
don’t want them knowing, remember? You’re very…obvious.”

Lily purses her lips, mumbling, “I don’t mean to be.”

“Yeah, well, you could always start by not looking at me like you want to have your way with
me every time we’re in the same room together.”

“Have my—Christ, Mary!” She chuckles, head dipping between her shoulders. “Look, I’ll…
I’ll work on it. I’m still new to this too, y’know?”

Mary’s eyes quietly search hers in the dark of the room. Slowly, she brings a hand up and
brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. It takes a lot in Lily to not ‘have her way with her’, as
Mary would apparently say.

“You’re making the face again,” Mary points out.

“Well, god, can you blame me?” Lily breathes.

“Mm,” she hums. “Kiss me?”

Lily does.

FEBRUARY 18, 1974

If she’s honest, all of this staying up late has her fairly sleep deprived. Her study sessions
with Remus have been more frequent, but they’ve also started being ‘hang out and talk
sessions’. What Lily’s trying to get at is that she’s falling back. She doesn’t mean to, of
course not, but apparently it’s noticeable.
She’s in Potions, Severus at her side. Her eyelids droop and her mind is filled with memories
of heavy breaths and soft lips.

He takes one look at her and says, “Are you ill?”

Lily blinks awake and looks over. “Sorry?”

“You look like you’re coming down with something.”

“Do I?” She mutters, rubbing sleep from her eyes. “I’m not, I’m just tired.”

Severus glances down at the table then back up to her, slowly dragging the knife and
ingredients closer to him.

Lily scoffs. “I’m not going to hurt myself.”

“…For safety,” he says. “And you’ve been tired for weeks, that’s not normal.”

Severus gets to work and she sighs, resting her cheek in her hand. There is nothing she could
really tell him. In fact, there are a ton of things Sev doesn’t know about her and vice versa.
They only had one day together during the holiday because she was so caught up in Mary.
Lily doesn’t think they’re drifting per se, she’s just…busy.

Maybe she’s obsessed, because Mary doesn’t seem as captivated as she is. In public it’s all so
normal, and sometimes they’ll go days without anything happening. Those are the times
Lily’s unsure if the other even wants to keep this up.

But she always comes back eventually.

“Nah, I’m just up late studying and things,” she dismisses.

Severus makes his lips into a thin line. “Well, I feel like…considering that…”

“What?”

“Are classes getting difficult for you?”

Lily watches him carefully. “…Sorry?”

“I’m not saying that in a rude way,” he quickly adds. “Just…all that studying and you’re still
slipping up sometimes.”

She frowns, but he doesn’t notice it as he chops away at daisy roots. Sometimes he says
things and he sounds like them. All of those friends he says he isn’t friends with. “I’m not
slipping up,” she reprimands, pulling some of the ingredients over to her side and making
him finally look at her from his peripheral. “I’m doing just fine, and you don’t say things like
that to me.”

A flash of something goes over his eyes, but Lily can’t make it out. “Alright, relax,” he
hushes. “I didn't mean it like that, I was just wondering if you needed any help.”
“I don’t need any help.” Lily aggressively peels away at shrivelfig, watching the skin fall to
the table. “You’re not going to patronize me.”

“I’m not patronizing you, I was offering you help as a friend,” Sev reassures, but she’s tunnel
visioned. “Maybe more sleep would help because you’re quite responsive today. It’s not out
of malice, it’s a constructive truth. And careful on the shrivelfig, you’re cutting too deep.”

Lily sets the peeler and shrivelfig down in a harsh manner and just breathes. Slowly. In and
out. Don’t work him up, just relax. She is not going to cause a scene in the middle of class.

Suddenly, Severus hisses in pain, twisting around and clutching at his back. Lily turns too,
finding Potter glaring daggers into her friend’s face. Beside him, Sirius bites back a smile,
cutting away at his own ingredients.

Potter’s eyes flit to hers, and they’re not so angry anymore. He makes a dumb smile and
waves before stopping once Sirius nudges him with an elbow. Sev groans and spins back to
the front. She does the same, but it takes an extra second.

“Insufferable as always,” he mumbles, turning the heat for their cauldron on.

“You alright?”

“Fine enough.”

In the most horrible way, she’s a little thankful for it. It extinguished the burning she was
feeling and allows them to work in a hasty yet precise silence. Never in a million years would
she share this thought nor linger on it.

———

“He is so ungrateful!” James whines during dinner, piling a stack of food onto his plate.
“Gets to be friends with Evans and all he does is insult her. I should’ve hit harder.”

Sirius wasn’t paying even a bit of attention to what was being said between those two before
James hit Snivellus with a bee-sting jinx. He heard the sharp noise of pain, then glanced at
James and his laser-shooting eyes. He knows that look. It’s his ‘I’m thinking of horrible
things happening to you’ look.

Mulciber, Donahue, and Snivellus are the only three he’s seen be on the receiving end,
thankfully. If Sirius ever got it, he would probably crumble.

“What did he even say?” Remus asks, filling his goblet with pumpkin juice. “Pete and I were
too far away to hear it.”

James rolls his eyes just from the memory. “He was all like, ‘you look so tired’, ‘you’re not
doing good in class’, ‘stop cutting it like that’, ugh. It was patronizing, and I know that word
now, I looked it up!” He exclaims angrily, stuffing chicken into his mouth. “As if she’s not
better than he is. What a joke!”

Sirius leans over to Remus. “I didn’t even hear all of that,” he mutters. “I fear James is
getting a little obsessed.”

“I heard that and I am not!”

He ignores James, waiting for his friend’s reaction instead. All he gets is an eyebrow raise
and a tiny smile tugging on his lips as he plays with the food his eyes are trained upon. Sirius
frowns, eager to get something.

Their little fight last month was quickly resolved by simply just waiting it out. He thinks
Remus had tried a silent treatment, but it wasn’t very effective because Sirius wouldn’t just
take that. Whenever he had tried to ignore him, Sirius would just pester him in funny little
ways and get him to smile. No apology was needed from either of them and they went back
to complete normalcy.

“He so is,” Sirius continues.

“Don’t start that back and forth thing again, I can’t stand it,” Remus says, but his small smile
remains.

“Yeah, well—“

“Hey, you two!” Calls a voice belonging to a very particular someone. Remus’ smile falls and
he goes back to playing with his food while Sirius and James turn their attention towards her.

Mayumi Haida, a Hufflepuff a year above them, has become a bit like an extra arm the past
month. Once she moved past the blatant staring, she introduced herself to just James and
Sirius specifically. It was a terrible first impression considering Remus and Peter were with
them.

“I saw you at your practice today, lookin’ good!” Mayumi compliments, black waist-length
hair moving as she talks. Sirius supposes she’s pretty.

He also has no idea what to say to that. Thanks?

“Thanks,” James says, so they must be on the same thought process. Only, he says it with a
lot more charm than he would have. James turns around on the bench to face her fully,
elbows leaned back on the wood, and Peter nearly groans. “You should catch us at the game
next Saturday, or will you be rooting for Hufflepuff?”

She smiles at him sweetly, pointing to her chest. “I’ll be wearing yellow, but red’s in my
heart.” It’s so blatant he nearly makes a face at her. “See you!”

Once she’s far away enough, Sirius grumbles, “Don’t pity flirt.”

James frowns with a tilt of the head. “I wasn’t. I was being friendly.”
“Yeah, but she wants to be extra friendly, so I’d cut back on it.”

“Oh, so what?” James shrugs. “At least I talk to the girls who fancy us, you just sort of sit
there making a face. It’s quite funny.”

Sirius bristles, sitting up straight. “So?”

“So…nothing. It’s not an insult,” he chuckles, getting back to his food. “Just a funny little
observation.”

“Not that funny.”

James continues to giggle like his insides don’t feel like tar. “Merlin, you don’t have to like
her, I’m joking! She’s a little pushy, but I’m just…being nice, y’know.”

Sirius looks down at his plate that’s hardly been picked at and doesn’t feel very hungry
anymore. “I can be nice,” he mumbles. “I can be very nice.”

He spots out Mayumi at the Hufflepuff table like a target. She’s talking with her own friends,
tan skin scrunching around her nose when she laughs. Yeah right, he doesn’t talk to the girls
who fancy him.

The moment dinner ends, he shoots to his feet and follows after her, leaving his own friends
behind.

They’re in the Great Hall doorway once he catches up to her and gets to tap her shoulder. She
spins around and her eyes widen in surprise once they lock gazes. It’s not like he’s ever gone
out of his way to speak to her before.

“Hey?” She smiles, glancing between him and her friends nervously.

The whole forward and direct thing worked with Marlene, even if they didn’t work out.
Might as well try it again.

“Hey, how would you feel about a date?”

Mayumi goes red in the face the way Remus does when he gets embarrassed. “Oh! That, um
—“ A brunette friend of hers nudges her arm. “Sounds great! Is it like a Hogsmeade date?”

Sirius shrugs. “Why not? It’ll be after the game where I beat your house. Might as well
celebrate with the losing team, amiright?”

“Yeah, yes. Definitely.”

It’s sort of amusing watching her stumble over her words and things, constantly looking to
others for support. He could grow to like her.

Others are starting to awkwardly move around them considering they’re in the middle of the
doorway, and Sirius knows how this looks. “Alright,” he says with a sly smile. “We’ll meet
outside Honeydukes.”
Mayumi nods very enthusiastically, deep brown eyes wide and looking at him as if she’s
thinking, ‘fuck yes’. Amidst the crowd of people, Sirius feels like his body moves on its own.
His hand reaches out to her jaw and he leans in to kiss her on the cheek.

Without another word, heart rattling against his chest, he turns and leaves her blushing and
giggling.

The others have clearly been watching him. James claps him on the shoulder, shaking his
head and clearly entertained. “Don’t pity flirt, he says.”

“Well, what can I say?” Sirius shrugs smugly.

“But I thought you didn’t like her,” Peter says. “Why’d you ask her on a date if you don’t like
her?”

He really doesn’t know, if he’s honest. It was sort of like an impulse to get back at James.
“Well, I thought, why not take what’s put in front of me?” He says, but even saying it sounds
strange.

“You’re playing with her feelings, though,” Remus points out, visibly frowning. “That’s not
nice.”

“Oh, please. If James asked her, she’d do the same thing. She’s taking what’s in front of her
too.”

Sirius recalls Remus saying he didn’t care if he snogged every girl looking his way, so he
doesn’t get why he’s annoyed when he’s doing exactly that. What does it matter? She’s into
him, it’s not like he’s a creep.

Remus sighs, slowing for the stairs. “Maybe, but you’re pretending to like her. It’s different.”

“I’m not pretending anything,” Sirius grumbles, keeping Remus’ pace while James and Peter
rush ahead. “It’s not like you know what I’m thinking.”

“I don’t, but you’re going to upset her in the end.”

“Marlene wasn’t upset.”

“Because she didn’t like you!”

Sirius scoffs in annoyance. He could easily catch up with the other two, but he doesn’t.
“Well, you know what? You don’t know how it feels anyway. Until you fancy a girl, I’m not
taking any advice about it. I’ll only take advice from James.”

“Oh, because he’s doing a great job in his department,” Remus scowls. “Might be the worst
person to take advice from.”

They’re up on the third flight. Peter and James are long gone, but they continue bickering.

“But how are you any better?”

“Well, for a start, I have friends who are girls. You don’t.”

“Evans is my friend! Kind of,” he mentions. “We had a truce last term!”

Remus smiles thinly. “Yeah, cause of me.”

“So? I think you’re taking everything too seriously. It’s not like I’m marrying her, it’s just a
date.”

That shuts him up for the next flight, and Sirius notices the visible strain in his steps. He’s
holding onto the railing for support with slightly furrowed brows and a tight jaw. He hopes he
isn’t stressing him out with all of this, he heard that’s bad for muscles and whatnot.

Remus has been fairly shy about using the walking stick around people—not including him,
James, or Peter. So it’s left up in their room and has been reserved for when he goes moony.

It takes a lot of restraint to not mention it for about five more steps.

“Do you need help?” He asks.

By this point, Remus is biting down on his lip in determination to get up on his own. “I’m
alright.”

Sirius shakes his head. “No, you aren’t. We’ve still got another couple of floors to go. Let me
help,” he offers quietly.

Remus stops, giving Sirius a bitter look. “Sirius, I’m fine, I don’t need it. What are you gonna
do, carry me? I’ve done this a thousand times.”

“I know, just—“

“Leave it.”

He goes on without him, abandoning Sirius a few steps below him. Everything about how
Remus has been acting around him for over a month just tugs at his chest in a painful way.

He lied earlier, things aren’t normal.

That first day they got back from holiday felt like the only normal one they’ve had before
something changed. The first half of this term he thought they were closer than ever, but
perhaps he was wrong.

There’s a shameful pit carving into his chest, like dread. All of those feelings he didn’t send
Andromeda last year bubble up to the surface at once and the air around him becomes thick.
Remus is leaving him behind, he must be. He did something. That would explain his sudden
distaste to everything he’s done recently. So Sirius did something and Remus doesn’t want
him around for it, but what did he do?

Was it when he forgot to write his notes for him during the January moon? Did he say a joke
he shouldn’t have? What did he do? Why is he suck a fuck up that he can’t even pinpoint it?
“Sirius?”

His head shoots up to Remus at the top of the banister while he’s stuck at the bottom, chest
stuttering.

“Are you okay?” Remus continues.

There’s concern etched into his brows that tightens one of his scars around them. Sirius takes
a moment to reply, relishing in the fear for his well-being.

He nods, catching up in just a few seconds. He’s grown again, so Remus is back to glancing
up in order to meet his eyes. Sirius thinks he likes it better this way. “Yeah, just got
distracted. Sorry.”

“Is it a ‘we’ll talk about it later’ sort of thing?”

“No.”

Remus’ face drops, and that’s certainly not the reaction he wanted. It’s disappointment. Sirius
bites his tongue to stop every little fear that just crossed his mind from tumbling out and
making a mess of things all over again. He does that, he’s like porcelain. One slip up and he
chips, cracks, and shatters for someone to bleed over.

They stand face to face with bated breaths, like they’re both waiting for something. The
expression of concern is carefully creeping its way back onto Remus’ face, slow and like a
punch to the face.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius spews out breathily.

Remus cocks his head. “For what?”

“I don’t know.”

He feels weirdly exposed despite not saying anything of value. Remus just has this look in
his eye that feels like he’s trying to crack him open and see every possible thought going
through his head. Maybe if he was different he’d let him.

“Sirius,” Remus says. “We should go.”

Hesitantly, Sirius nods and breaks eye contact, breathing still unstable. He scrubs a hand
down his face and continues their journey up to the Gryffindor tower.

Back in the dorm, Peter and James behave like normal, shoes already kicked off around the
room as they lounge out. Sirius is heavy and weightless at the same time. It’s wrong. He sits
on the edge of his bed directly across from Remus. Neither glance at one another while they
get ready for bed.

When the lights go out, he lays on his back staring up in silence. Charm up, and he’s alone.
Does anyone else feel so uncomfortable on their own, or is it only him? Sirius doesn’t even
know what it is, but it’s like he has a skin suit on. It isn’t his, and it’s wrong. His body wants
to reject it.

Does James ever feel this way? Does Peter? Is it just him? He wishes he was like James, it
seems so easy. He gets up at the crack of dawn, lives his life only worrying about one girl,
then goes to sleep like it’s nothing. He wants that life. Sirius wants it easy.

Will dating Mayumi make it easier? Will he do stupid things for her like James does for Lily?
Does he want her to notice him, to know him? Sirius doesn’t think he wants anyone to know
him, especially not like this. And people can’t stop noticing him, he’s practically on a stage.
He likes attention, Sirius has always enjoyed being seen by others, so he should like this, too.
Girls watching him during Quidditch practices and trying to get him to look at them
afterwards. He doesn’t, and maybe that’s part of the appeal for them. As if he’s unattainable
or something. Some pacing animal in a cage people throw bones to.

Maybe he just wants one person instead of all this. Whenever she comes along, he’ll know it
and all of these feelings will go away. That is, if his family doesn’t set someone upon him
first. He doesn’t even know any pureblood girls they’d consider worthy. Marlene is
pureblood, but they already concluded they didn’t like each other like that, and her family
doesn’t uphold any traditions. His parents would hate her.

Not that he’s living to appease them either, he’d actually prefer it if they left him alone about
these things for the rest of his life. Only, Sirius isn’t sure he has a choice in this. In anything.
Maybe that’s it. He is so wildly out of control that nothing feels like it belongs to him, like
his skin and every little step he takes.

Sirius turns over with a pathetic sort of grumble, wrapping his arms around himself as he
curls up. Just sleep. Don’t think about it.

Weirdly enough, his mind drifts to his brother. Him and his past sensitivity, his quickness to
tears and whimpers. That’s how he feels now, and he knows his parents would be beyond
ashamed to find out he gets like this, just like they did for Reg.

Him and his brother seem to be moving in opposite directions, both currently reaching a
middle ground. Where Sirius started out unsure of his own feelings, Regulus had already felt
so many of them. Now, Regulus is absolutely determined to never let even a crack of emotion
shine through his stoic demeanor, but he fails easily. One wrong shove and he crumbles.
That’s why they’re both in the middle ground, because Sirius feels exactly the same way.

Perhaps one day they’ll stand on opposite sides; where Sirius is where Regulus started and
the latter ends up so emotionless it practically kills him.

But for now, he’s not too far gone yet. Sirius will patch himself up and wake like this didn’t
happen. Even with a sense of doom weighing him down, he manages to drift off into slumber.

———
Chapter End Notes

Lord…we’re in it now…
 Third Year: Girlfriend
Chapter Summary

“I’m praying, take me back. Consider me, please.”

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.6k

50 chapters is crazy can you believe I’m writing the 68th right now

See the end of the chapter for more notes

MARCH 2, 1974

“Ooh, yikes! Near bludger hit for Jones from Blackburn, and Jones passes the quaffle to
Potter!” Benjy Fenwick commentates from the stands.

Peter and Remus cheer, waving little red flags as James shoots down the field. He launches
the quaffle into one of the goalposts and scores easily, putting the game at one hundred-ten
for Gryffindor and eighty for Hufflepuff.

The stands erupt into roars, nearly scaring the pants he and Peter which has them doubling
over in laughter. Remus clutches the railing to keep himself upright as he watches out for
James and Sirius.

It’s warming up outside and the sky is clear and blue, perfect weather for watching the game.
Not to mention there aren’t so many long sleeves, most players opting for a t-shirt under their
jerseys. Remus won’t stand here and pretend it doesn’t hold his interest, because he’s actually
been able to focus this time around.

Sirius has quite the…strenuous position, always lugging a bat and knocking bludgers around
with force. And well, he’s human, Remus can’t help himself. Peter looks like he’s falling over
himself too, so surely he’s not the only one.

It makes him feel better about watching him even though it’s a sports game and you’re meant
to watch the players. There are just many times throughout the game where the sun bounces
off skin and makes him understand all the girls. Not in the way that he wants to giggle at his
friend or latch onto his arm or anything like that, just to watch from afar.
“Vance is quite close to the snitch, she’s leaning in!” Benjy shouts.

Remus redirects his eyes over to the small streak of red bolting at…well, nothing from up
here. He puts binoculars on—something he got from the last Hogsmeade trip—and zooms in
on her. Emmeline is impressively fast.

Unfortunately, he does lose some focus and drifts his magnified vision back up to Sirius
twisting his bat in his hand like it’s nothing. His hair is squished down by a helmet, but the
strands that fall out are covered in a thin sheen of sweat, as is the rest of his flushed face. He
darts down, quickly hitting a bludger out of James’ way and exchanging a passing high five.

Remus thinks he likes Quidditch.

“AND SHE GETS IT!”

The Gryffindor stands rock with the magnitude they’re cheering, and Remus takes the
binoculars off. Emmeline Vance has her arm stretched up while her teammates fly over for a
group hug. Realizing he missed the snitch catch, his face becomes hot and red. Merlin. Don’t
think about it.

He and Peter rush down the stairs over to the changing rooms to wait for the other two to
come out. There are plenty of others hogging the entrance, so he doesn’t spot her until it’s too
late.

Sirius, sweat-lined hair now exposed and falling around his face, flips the tent open and is
immediately jumped by Mayumi’s mouth on his.

Remus stops in his tracks, watching for Sirius to push her away—they haven’t even gone on
their first date yet—but there’s none of that. He just stumbles back with wide eyes before
shutting his eyes tight and amateurly kissing her back. Her arms latch behind his neck and he
doesn’t seem to know what to do with his hands.

It’s not a long kiss at all. He counted to five. And yet, something trickles into his veins like
being injected with poison, twisting through his vascular system and setting him alight.

She doesn’t even know him. They’ve spoken two times since he’s asked her out, just two
times. Who is she to snog him in the middle of a crowd like they’ve been together for years?
Who does she think she is?

All the people cheering them on are the next worst part, whooping and hollering like they’re
enjoying watching it. Well, Remus isn’t like these people. He sets his jaw tight and keeps his
eyes elsewhere when she goes back in for seconds. She goes in for seconds.

James comes out from all the noise and lets out a disbelieving yelp. “Woah! Enough sucking
face, you two, save it for Hogsmeade!”

Sirius detaches with a sly grin, pulling her to his side by the shoulder. “You jealous?” He
boasts.

“As if,” James says. “C’mon, off we go! Remus, Peter, you too!”
He almost wants to say no, but he has no right to. How would that make him look if they
knew he was angry at a girl for snogging his friend all because she hardly knows him? Well,
it’s not like he’s wrong. She doesn’t know anything about him, not his family, not his favorite
color, or the way he tucks his laces into his shoes after taking them off.

But who is he to dictate what Sirius does?

With a deep breath to relax himself, Remus follows along.

“You did really well this game!” Peter exclaims.

“Yeah, I am just fantastic, aren’t I?” James beams, skipping and still somehow incredibly
energetic. “Oh Sirius, I’m washing up first when we get back, you take forever!”

Sirius turns back and makes a face, arm still slouched around Mayumi’s shoulders. Remus
walks a few paces behind them all, feeling so other it sickens him. The sentiment lasts the
whole way back to the castle, and even when Mayumi separates for the Hufflepuff dorms he
feels it.

Back in the Gryffindor tower, he avoids lingering in the common room like everyone is and
goes straight to his bed. He lays there with the curtains drawn for a long while, even with the
other three moving around and getting ready for Hogsmeade. In the post-win high they seem
to have forgotten him.

James showers quickly, then goes Sirius, and it’s just the three of them alone. In his
encasement, everyone is blocked from his view and he has to eavesdrop . It’s sort of a
familiar occurrence, like an old friend.

“So glad I don’t have to bundle up this time,” Peter says.

“Mhm, hate the cold. Always a fan of the warmer months.”

“I know, the rest of the year should be fun though, don’tcha think?”

James hums in agreement. “Fun for Sirius, that’s for sure.” There’s a beat. “I had no idea he
liked her, honestly.”

“Seems to like her quite a bit now.”

“Yeah, it’s just sudden. Happy for him though, he deserves a nice girl, May’s very nice.”

May?

“Remus?” James calls, and it catches him off guard. “He was with us, yeah?”

Remus rolls his eyes. “Yeah. I’m here.”

His curtains slide open to show him James’ confused face, hair still damp from a poor drying
spell. “You alright, mate?” He asks.
“Um, yeah. Just…I think I’m having a lie in today. I wasn’t feeling well during the game.”

That’s a lie, he felt more than fine. James doesn’t have to know the exact moment he started
feeling sick.

“Aw, so no Hogsmeade?”

Remus shakes his head. “Nah, maybe next time.”

James frowns in thought. “Okay, well, I’ll get you something extra from Honeydukes! Is it a
Pomfrey sort of ill, or—?”

“No, no, definitely not,” Remus chuckles awkwardly. “Just need to rest for a bit.”

A benefit to being a Werewolf is that calling in sick is incredibly believable. He spends half
his days sick anyway.

“Alright!” James promptly closes his curtains, re-encasing him in the dark. “Once Sirius gets
out the blasted shower, we’ll head out. Peter, Zonko’s first again?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Brilliant.”

It’s another fifteen minutes before Sirius gets out and then another ten for him to get dressed
and do his hair. At this point, James and Peter are begging him to take the damn cloak and get
out already.

“Okay, you all need to relax, really,” Sirius mutters, and by the sound of things he’s putting
his shoes on, hopping around while doing so. “I’m pretty much done!”

James groans. “All this for your girlfriend, we’re gonna miss the train!”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Yet.”

“Well, yeah,” Sirius huffs. “She just snogged me out of nowhere, but I’ll take it. I mean, what
am I gonna do, complain? Say no?”

“I wouldn’t.”

Sirius snorts. “Mm, I bet. If Evans did that to you you’d probably shatter into a billion little
pieces.”

“Little James cubes,” James laughs.

Peter gags. “That’s nasty!”

The door opens, the three of them trail out, and it’s quickly shut behind them. He decides to
not take note of how Sirius didn’t ask for him. They haven’t spoken alone much in the past
couple of weeks. The past month, actually, and certainly not since their argument on the
stairs.

Remus doesn’t know what his issue is. He should be just fine going to Hogsmeade right now
with James and Peter, leaving Sirius to go on his date. Because Remus doesn’t really feel
sick, he just feels off.

James isn’t wrong, Mayumi Haida is a sweet girl, albeit flirty and overly social. That’s not a
bad thing. They briefly met back in first year, and she was nice, even if she’s forgotten who
he is by now. Remus shouldn’t have such ill feelings towards her, she hasn’t done anything to
hurt him. Directly, at least. In a sort of fucked up way, he wishes she was worse so that he
could feel better about disliking her so much. She should be mean, the kind of girl who sees
others as competition and fights her way to the top. But she isn’t. All she did was say hello,
Sirius was the one who went to her.

So really, his feelings should be directed at Sirius instead. But even then, why would he have
any feelings? In what world is this his business? Why should he care?

It’s unnamed and sits bubbling in his gut like a poorly brewed potion, just waiting to blow
him apart.

He lies there for Merlin knows how long, failing miserably to make himself feel better
because all he can think is: are they holding hands? Is he smiling at a joke of hers? Does he
really like her like that? What’s wrong with me?

The image of them attached by the lips is imprinted in his mind. When she went back in for
seconds, he held her.

Remus groans, throwing a pillow over his face and laying out like a starfish. He should’ve
just gone, it would have distracted him. Now he’s stuck here with all of these thoughts.
Remus hates his thoughts. They must hate him too considering how much they go against his
wishes.

Faintly—and he likely wouldn’t have heard it if not for his fantastic hearing—there’s the
sound of music coming from downstairs. Who’s still here? It could be a first or second year,
but he sort of doubts it.

Remus pulls the pillow off and sits up. It’s not something he’s ever heard before, and nothing
like The Beatles. As if he’s metal to a magnet, Remus moves towards the door and pulls it
open to peek over the balcony.

There, he finds Mary lounging on her own, record player on one of the small tables. She’s
also reading a magazine of some sort. All Remus can shamefully think is how much she
looks like a regular muggle.

Curiosity overtakes his self-loathing and he makes his way down the stairs to her. Mary
doesn’t notice him at first, just humming along to a track with her nose stuck in the paper.
Without announcing himself, Remus sits on one of the armchairs across hers. She lowers the
magazine a touch, eyes lighting up once she spots him.

“Oh, hey! No Hogsmeade for you?”

Remus shrugs, trying to soak in the music. Her record player is better quality than the one he
bought Sirius and looks like it’s been used for years.

“Nah, I wasn’t feeling up for it,” he says.

Mary nods slowly. “Completely understand. I haven’t been big on Hogsmeade since the first
trip.”

“How come?”

She purses her lips, tapping her feet together. “Just some things that turned me off from it.
Not a fan,” she dismisses, and Remus doesn’t pry. “Lily’s getting me some stuff though, so
that’s nice.”

Remus motions his head towards the record player. “What’s the music?”

“Oh, Lily got that for me on my birthday. Stevie Wonder’s Talking Book. Brilliant man, I tell
ya,” Mary says, folding up her magazine now that there’s something interesting to talk about.
“Did you know he’s blind and plays all these instruments? I can’t play a tune and I’ve got
both eyes!”

‘Don’t you see, oh, baby, alright. I wanna be with you when the nighttime comes. I wanna be
with you when the daytime comes. I wanna stay, oh baby, lemme, baby, baby with you…’

Mary’s grinning at him as he listens along. “Groovy, right? Tuesday Heartbreak’s that one.”

Remus smiles, bopping along to the tune, because this is very different from The Beatles.
Groovy is a good word, or maybe bouncy. Loopy.

The music fades out and goes to a much slower track that Mary wrinkles her nose at. She gets
to her feet and moves the needle further. “Too soft, I’m here for fun. This is…Superstition!
What sort of music are you into?”

He scratches the back of his neck, face hot. “Uh, I’ve just a Beatles album, but it’s not even
mine, it’s Sirius’.”

Mary gapes at him. “You’ve got none?!” Remus tries to stutter something out, but Mary’s
faster. “Well that’s not right! I’ve got a whole collection upstairs, we’re doing a listening
party whether you like it or not. You wizards and your lack of culture!”

“I’m halfblood!”
She’s rushed to the top of her stairs, shouting down, “And you’ve never heard music?!”

And she’s out of sight, but only for a moment before she’s clambering back down with a
small crate in her hands. Remus giggles at just how enthused she is.

“Well, if you like The Beatles, I’ve got a couple of those, lots of Beach Boys—love them,
Aretha Franklin, Hendrix, Bowie, Joni Mitchell, more Stevie Wonder, oh lord, Remus, just
choose one.”

Remus, entirely overwhelmed by all of these names he hardly recognizes, just sits there like a
fish out of water. “Uh…I don’t, I…Um. What do you think I’d like?”

Mary stands up straight, hands on her hips and analyzing him. “More Beatles…Bowie…
maybe even Jim Croce, but I don’t have any of his. Not my style.”

“And what exactly have you based this assessment on?”

“Absolutely nothing!” She smiles, sorting through her albums and pulling out a new album.
“Considering you’ve heard The Beatles and I’ve got nothing from lovely Jim, we’ll start with
Bowie. How’s it?”

“Sounds…good?”

This wasn’t how Remus expected his afternoon to go, but he’s not going to complain. He
much prefers this to sulking alone in bed. Mary is just a delight to be around, she could
probably make good conversation with a rock.

She replaces the disc on the table with the new one she’s pulled out, letting the needle rest
gently on the very edge. “Alright, this is technically the third artist you’ve ever listened to?”

“Mhm.”

“See, Bowie’s not my favorite, he’s a bit too eccentric and melodrama-y for me. But I think
that’s very you, so I hope you’re ready,” she lilts, pressing the button to make the disc spin.

Remus isn’t sure how to take that statement, because it sort of sounds like an insult, but he
doesn’t think it is one.

It’s slower, a simple beat and piano behind a man’s voice. But somehow, he’s just absorbed
for the next four minutes.

‘And it was cold, and it rained, and I felt like an actor. And I thought of Ma and I wanted to
get back there.

Your face, your race, the way that you talk. I kiss you, you’re beautiful, I want you to walk.

We’ve got five years, what a surprise. We’ve got five years, my brain hurts a lot. Five years,
that’s all we’ve got…’
“It’s like I can see the cogs in your head turning, y’know—“

“Shhh!”

‘Five years.

Five years.

Five years.’

He looks up at Mary once all that’s left is the sound of drums, and she looks so smug.

“Knew it,” she voices.

Remus flushes again, scooting closer to the player just to hear it better. She was right, and
he’ll give her that. It’s like waking up, and suddenly he feels like he really has missed out.

Three songs in, and Mary says, “You could have it if you want.”

“Really?”

She nods. “You’re liking this more than I do! Have it, really, it’s a gift.”

How Mary could not love this is beyond him. But if she wants him to have it, well…what’s
he meant to do? Say no thanks? No, he’s taking the bloody disc.

“I will say though, I’ll miss Suffragette City. That’s a fun one when you get to it,” Mary
notes, handing the folder over to a hardly-containing-his-excitement-Remus. “This is like
feeding sugar to a baby for the first time, I can’t believe you have no music taste yet.”

“Yet,” Remus repeats, putting the Ziggy Stardust folder on his lap while ‘Lady Stardust’ is on
the player. “You’ll make a fan out of me.”

“Bet I will, look at you.”

“Look at me?”

“Yeah, you’re like a puppy.”

Remus scoffs without any venom. “Baby and a puppy, I feel very emasculated.”

“Oh, come off it,” she says with an eye roll, spinning to lay sideways on the sofa. “I could
play some more after this, if you’d like?”

“I would like that…”

Mary smiles, and it really does turn into a listening party. For hours, they lounge out listening
to all of her favorites—and there are many. He thinks they go through six whole albums
before anyone comes back. Sunflower, Abbey Road, The Dark Side of the Moon, Rainbow
Bridge, Lady Soul. He’ll give it to her, she knows what she’s talking about.

They’re just starting ‘Niki Hoeky’ from Lady Soul when Lily, Dorcas and Alice come
through the portrait, and Lily lets out a loud gasp.

“You’re showing him music! I was gonna do that!”

“Beat you out, Evans!” Mary grins, getting to her feet. “I’ve sculpted his mind and he loves
David Bowie.”

Dorcas grabs Alice by the hands and dances with her, beaming from ear to ear.

“Bowie?” Lily hums, nodding down at him. “I understand. Remus, dance with me!”

Remus chuckles shyly, shaking his head, but Lily grabs him by the hands and yanks him up
anyway.

‘You ooh-boog-a-boo you, yeah, baby. Get hip to the consultation of the boolawee.’

It’s not really dancing because Remus is far too stiff to do anything but have Lily move his
arms back and forth. But she’s so fluid and giggly that he lets himself just feel. It’s freeing in
a way.

The song starts to end, and Mary hops over to skip it to another upbeat track. Dorcas spins
Alice by the arm and cheers excitedly.

‘Baby baby, sweet baby you left me hurtin’ in a real cold way. Speak your name, and I’ll feel
a thrill’

“Woah! What’s going on here?”

It’s Frank, and he doesn’t hesitate to join in, holding a hand out before Alice. With a wide
eyed glance to Dorcas, she takes his hand and is pulled along to the center of the room.
Dorcas shuffles off with Mary, and it’s the happiest Remus thinks he’s felt in a long while.

‘I'm praying, take me back. Consider me please. If you walk in that door, I can get up off my
knees. I've just been so blue…since you’ve been gone’
Lily spins them around in a way that nearly makes him trip up, and he’s facing the common
room entrance now. Lo and behold, standing halfway in shadow is one Sirius Black, watching
him.

The moment they make eye contact, it’s broken.

Sirius moves up the stairs on his own before James and Peter come barreling in the portrait
hole on their own.

“Look who feels better!” James calls out, holding up a chocolate bar for him. Remus grins,
detaching himself from Lily’s hands and jogging over. “Resting up does wonders, doesn't it?”

Remus takes it with a flushed face from all the movement and hugs James tight. He didn’t
even do anything, but he just feels good. Sirius’ date didn’t seem to go very well based off his
expression, which actually makes him feel even better.

“Yes, very good. Mary’s just the best, y’know? She gave me an album!”

“A what?”

“Big special disc?”

James’ eyes light up. “Oh! More music for us?”

Remus nods happily. “Yeah! Maybe Sirius could ask Andromeda for some too.”

“I think you’ve got an addiction coming on,” Peter says.

“Might. I don’t care, best addiction you could have.”

“True that,” James agrees.

Remus was going to thank Mary, but she’s caught up in dancing with Dorcas at the minute, so
he just heads up with his friends.

Sirius is on the edge of his bed pulling his shoes off, and it’s the first time Remus really gets
to look at what he wore to this date. Leather jacket—obviously, a white tank, and black
trousers with dress shoes.

Silently, the music downstairs muffled, Remus sits directly across from him and pretends to
mess with the bottoms of his own trousers. Sirius doesn’t say a word. He pulls his jacket off
and lets it hang from one of the wooden posters. Remus is wrong for watching, but it’s not
like he hasn’t seen Sirius in a state of dress like this before, they live together.

But who knows, maybe it’s the set of his jaw, or the smudged lipstick mark on his cheek, or
the way his hair has grown down to his nape, or the muscle growth on his upper arms—
Remus blinks away, slowly scooting back in his bed and shutting that curtain so Sirius is no
longer in view.

What the hell?

Is he insane?

He gently lowers onto his back, staring up the ceiling with drumming in his ears.

His thoughts sound like the loud static on his telly, just sort of empty and full at the same
time. All he knows for sure is that his face is on fire and his lungs are having trouble
working. Perhaps he’s having a heart attack, there’s usually chest pain involved in that ordeal.

Remus doesn’t even know how the date was, it could’ve been fantastic and all Sirius can
think about is the next time he gets to kiss Mayumi Haida. It hardly matters to him, but he
calls out and asks,

“How was the date?”

There’s a long silence. Remus almost thought he was being ignored. It wouldn’t be so
surprising.

“Fine. She’s nice. Wouldn’t stop snogging me, though,” Sirius complains. “Maybe it’s cause
she’s a year older and used to it, but I uh…anyway.”

Remus can’t believe it, but a smile spreads on his face. She still doesn't know him. Too busy
sucking face to ask him his favorite food even, he bets.

“Right,” he says. “Any more dates planned?”

Sirius sighs. “Yeah. Not Hogsmeade, she just wants to have me after Quidditch practices.”

“Have you?”

Remus sits up, pushing the curtain aside to see Sirius once more. He’s in sleep pants now, his
shoes off with the laces neatly tucked in and placed under the bed.

They find each other’s eyes. “Yeah. Whatever that means,” Sirius mumbles. “Think it means
‘let me put more red stuff on your face that you can’t get off’. Do I have any—?”

“Yeah.”

Remus already knew about the stain from his earlier observation, that answer came far too
quick. He has the sudden urge to slap himself across the face.

Sirius doesn’t notice it though. He just groans, getting up and quickly moving to the mirror to
rub hard on his cheek. “Damn makeup, this stuff doesn’t come off! She was really necking
me, mate. I mean, she’s nice, but have a little restraint, will you?”
“Mhm,” Remus hums absently, distracted by the way the planes of his back move. What the
hell?

Sirius glances back for a quick moment, eyebrows furrowed at his lackluster response like
he’s suddenly hesitant to even keep speaking to him.

“I like it, obviously I do, just trying to— ugh. James, out the loo, I need water for this stuff
and I’m not spraying myself with some spell!”

“Hang on!” Comes James’ voice muffled behind the door. He comes out just a couple
seconds after, but Sirius looks at him suspiciously.

“Ew, did you even wash your hands?”

James looks down at his palms. “You said you wanted the water.”

Sirius makes another grossed out noise. “No, no, wash your damn hands, I can wait a
second,” he scolds.

“Okay, mum, should I take the rubbish out too?” James jokes, scrubbing away all sudsy and
stuff. He steps back out and flicks his wet hands all over Sirius, making him yelp.

“Come on!”

James giggles, running and throwing himself into bed, shoes and all. Remus rolls his eyes at
their ridiculousness.

When Sirius comes back, his cheek is rubbed red and raw. “Reminds me of one of my stupid
relatives and their everlasting lipstick. Like Bellatrix, she did it to annoy me on purpose when
I was little,” he complains.

“Well, I’m sure your girlfriend reminding you of your cousin is a very good sign,” Remus
sarcastically remarks.

“That is not what I said.” Sirius points at him accusingly. “And even then, my parents are like
second cousins or something. Not the weirdest thing to ever happen to me.”

James makes a face while pulling on a nightshirt. “That’s just gross, mate…”

“And I’m joking! Obviously,” he laughs stiffly. “Okay, will take note. No family jokes.
Just…surprised I don’t look worse is all. Could’ve popped out with three eyes and no teeth.
That’d be quite funny.”

“No, it wouldn’t.”

“…Definitely no family jokes,” Sirius mutters. He rolls back into bed and under the covers
with a sigh.

Remus does the same, and when the lights eventually go out, he just lays there.
 He doesn’t want to keep thinking about things, but unfortunately he has a brain and it never
leaves him alone. What’s worse, is that it’s just repetition involving one singular person to the
point that it’s exhausting. He wants to go back to normal again. No girls and dates, just the
four of them only a bit younger and playing dumb jokes on people. They’ll surely get back to
it eventually, but right now it’s like everyone’s hit a roadblock of some kind.

His roadblock, however, is just Sirius. For the past two months his thoughts have
continuously come to a halt and drawn themselves back to one spot. Sirius could have put
some jinx on him or something, because there’s no reason his friend should have such a grip
on his mind.

Of course he’s thought about him a lot in the past, but that was different. Remus doesn’t
know how it’s different, but it is.

He nearly groans aloud, pressing his hands into his eyes because he is still thinking about him
while trying not to think about him. No more thinking, he won’t allow it. No more dates, no
more Sirius and the way he held Mayumi’s waist during their second kiss, or how he knows
how it feels to be held by him too, or—

Remus turns face down onto his pillow so hard it makes a ‘whack’ noise.

What’s wrong with him?

———

Chapter End Notes

A shockingly not so upsetting chapter despite literally everything! Remus is going

through it that boy has jealousy in his VEINS. He’ll get it soon enough.

The songs I mention are Tuesday Heartbreak by Stevie Wonder, Five Years by David
Bowie, Niki Hoeky and Since You’ve Been Gone by Aretha Franklin btw!
 Third Year: Motion Sickness
Chapter Summary

Try as they might, feelings get the best of them.

Chapter Notes

CW in the end note!

I’m currently diseased with covid in 2024 and I can’t tell if it’s writer’s curse. Anyway.

Words: 4.1k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

MARCH 9, 1974

“…Regulus?”

“Regulus?”

“Regulus!”

He blinks, snapping his head up to find Pandora giving him a guarded look.

“What?” He says roughly.

She frowns. “I was telling you something, you spaced out.”

Fear curls its way under Regulus’ skin. He looks around, they’re still in the library and the
spread of visions are still present on the table before him.

“How long?”

“Just a few seconds, why? Don’t you want to know what I said?”

“No,” he grumbles, rubbing the corners of his eyes. “Unless it’s about what we’re doing, save
it. Just keep working.”
Pandora’s frowns persists and he can practically feel it under his skin. He imagines she could
worm her way through his thoughts on the first try if she wanted to. “You look troubled,” she
says.

Troubled might be the last thing Regulus wants to hear about himself. He clenches his hands
into fists under the table and breathes. Good breath control is the first step to keeping the
mind focused and ready to block unwanted intrusions, feelings, and memories.

Try he might, but he continuously fails. The moment his mother reached back in, he fell
apart, it was shameful. Two weeks wasn’t enough to learn how to control himself, he should
have waited to ask her until the summer. One thought leads to another and another and then
yet another until his brain is sporadic and he can’t focus on anything at all.

She kept him quite secluded and hardly went near Sirius just so he could keep trying. Well,
he tried. And he’s troubled.

Regulus isn’t as good as he thought, having once assumed he could master Occlumency like
breathing. There is no one else to turn to for practice. He’s jumbled.

And he dreams.

He dreams of long corridors and a locked door. He stands and he watches it, but he doesn’t
intervene despite the screaming. If he did, that could be him.

He dreams of damp caves and falling to his knees with bruising hands.

He dreams of powerful stinging spells and his brother.

He dreams of the memory he buried, the look of disappointment in his mother’s eyes as she
turned her wand on him for the first and only time.

He dreams of hands prying through his mind and moving through his thoughts that are like a
silk ribbon tied around his neck to asphyxiate him.

He wakes up that way, choking and heaving like she’s still in there. Maybe she is, and she’ll
find out he lied. She’ll turn on him once more.

“You’ve done it again.”

Regulus swallows, letting his eyes fall shut, and he knows. He knows that she knows.

“I haven’t done anything,” he mutters, reaching out to pick up her new vision with trembling
hands.

Pandora just keeps staring at him with a look in her eyes, it isn’t pity, it’s just knowing. It’s
furiatingly understanding beyond what even he knows.

“We should stop for today,” she says. “It’s affecting both of us.”

He shakes his head in denial. “No, I want to figure this out. Let me—“
“Regulus, I mean it. I don’t feel well, and neither do you, you keep going somewhere else,”
Pandora reproaches, gathering her section into a pile of papers. Her voice isn’t so light and
airy the way it used to be.

He glares. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to finish this, let me figure it out, Pandora.”

“No!” She scolds, pushing to her feet and taking the paper from him. Regulus quickly rises to
meet her eye. “They’re my visions, I can do what I want with them. Go have a lie in, you
look sickly.”

“…I don’t look sickly.”

“You do,” she says, “I mean, you’ve looked that way since December, but it’s not getting any
better.”

Regulus clenches his jaw, averting his gaze to the floor. “You think you know me so well.”

“I know more about you than you do.”

He catches her eyes once more, now shaded in regret. “What does that mean?”

Pandora takes a step away, reverting back to collect papers from the table. “It means I’m your
friend, and you’re out of control,” she voices carefully. For some reason, Regulus can’t find it
in him to believe her.

“Friends,” he scoffs.

She whips around. “We are, even if you like to deny it!”

“I will continue to.”

“Let yourself have something.”

“Is it your goal to get on my nerves today?” Regulus snaps, throwing his bag over his
shoulder. “Calling me troubled, insisting that you know me, what is this?”

She slides everything into her own bag and pulls it on. “There’s a storm in your mind, I don’t
have to be a Seer to know that,” Pandora retorts. “You’re an open book in invisible ink,
simple to read if you know the right words to say. And I know them.”

Regulus breathes, ignoring the flickering heat in his chest.

Pandora continues, “You’re my friend. I care for you even though you’ve hardly told me a
thing about yourself and all I do is let you see me. That’s fine, but at least admit you care for
my mind with how much you try to figure it out.”

He tries to speak, but any words are caught on his tongue that has swelled in his throat. It
chokes him like the fingers that tore his pliant consciousness apart.
Perhaps his lack of speech says enough for Pandora considering her look of vindication. She
walks out on him, leaving him silent and alone in the empty library.

A storm in his mind, who does she think she is? He continues to breathe deep and slow to put
a dam on every thought and emotion that threatens to flood him. It’s like torture having his
mind so open, and as soon as he’s back home, he will rid of it. Walburga will teach him to
create the walls without a time constraint.

Regulus will get better.

———

MARCH 10, 1974

“Morning, birthday boy!” James shouts into his waking mind.

Light floods his closed lids and Remus winces, rolling over with a groan. “C’mon, James…”
he mumbles.

He’s not fully over the last full moon yet, but it’s not like James would know that. Slowly, he
sits up despite the strain in his arms.

“No, it’s a big day! Fourteen, you’re the third of us. I’ve still got a couple more weeks to go.”

“Yeah, and Merlin help us the day that comes,” Remus rasps. “Gonna jump on tables again?”

James grins. “Oh, yeah. ‘Course I am.”

Remus smiles to himself before climbing out of bed and stretching up high to kill whatever
pain is trying to linger in his back.

“No one else up yet?” He wonders, glancing around the beds with curtains drawn.

“Nah, Sirius is up, he’s just taking residence in my bed.” James shrugs.

Ah, right. Remus knows about James and Sirius’ arrangement. For months he’s heard them
going from one bed to another before the silencing charm is up, and he doesn’t question it.
There’s not much he can say that wouldn’t make him sound like a prick for wanting Sirius to
come to him for help like he used to.

The last time he’d done it was earlier this year when Sirius had accused Remus of saying he
wanted his mum dead—which never happened, by the way. They made up, it was months
ago. But Remus snapped at him, and he hasn’t returned.
Nevertheless, he doesn’t know if his brain would be able to take the proximity right now. His
thoughts are still betraying him, so perhaps this is for the best.

James hops back into his bed, Sirius responding with a tired grumble.

“C’mon, sweetiepie, wakie wakie,” he teases.

“Eugh, stop that! You’re making this weird.” Sirius is quick to get up and stretch the same
way Remus did. After a yawn, their eyes cross paths and Sirius offers a small smile. “Happy
birthday, Remus,” he says.

He smiles thinly. “Yeah, thanks.”

The look on Sirius’ face fades and he pads off to the loo with nothing else to offer, Remus’
gaze follows. He expected something a little more, like a pat on the back or maybe just a look
that lasted longer than a couple seconds.

James is busy getting Peter up and he just stands there stupidly not knowing what to do with
himself. He blinks, bending down to get some day clothes and not think about anything at all.

At breakfast, he doesn’t make a show like James or Sirius might. Lily wishes him a happy
birthday with her eyes sparkling like emeralds then bends down to embrace him quickly.

As she walks back to join up with her friends, James sighs, watching her go.

“How’d you do it?” He muses with a dazed smile.

“Do what?”

“Get her to like you like that,” James says, still watching her from afar. “She hardly even
looks my way.”

Be less of a git to her, is what he thinks first, but he doesn’t say it. “Dunno, we’ve just been
friendly from day one.”

James pouts, turning back in to keep shoveling food in his mouth. “Yeah, but she’s just so
nice to you. Hardly see her frown or anything.”

Remus chuckles, “That’s ridiculous, she’s definitely frowned around me. We’ve had
arguments, James.”

“Evans would probably find a way to argue with a toadstool, lovely as she is,” James
remarks.

Sirius snorts. “Yeah, if the toadstool had glasses and dumb hair.”

“Dumb?!”
From the corner of Remus’ eye, he spots her and uses every ounce of restraint in him to not
groan. When she isn’t around, he can use the out of sight out of mind method. With her long
shiny hair, she’s in sight and on his mind.

Mayumi reaches over Sirius’ back with a sweet smile, saying, “Hey!”

He twists back to glance up at her as his own lips curl up at her presence. “Hey, how’s it?”

Remus chews miserably.

“Gooood…” She coos, moving to squeeze in between Sirius and James. “So, I was
wondering, are you open later?”

Sirius grimaces. “Today?”

“Mhm.”

“Ah, no…sorry,” he apologizes. He apologizes. “Remus’ birthday. We’ve got…plans, I

think.”

The girl glances between him and Peter like she’s unsure which one is Remus. That’s
flattering.

“That’s a shame,” Mayumi says. “I miss you.”

They’ve been dating for a week. They saw each other yesterday. Remus bites his tongue,
moving a dry waffle around his plate with his fork before stabbing through the center.

“Yeah, miss you too,” Sirius mutters blankly, glancing away from her. “Well, I could just see
you tomorrow.”

“We’ve got classes.”

“I’ll skip.”

That shades her face pink. “Really?”

Sirius hums to confirm, pulling his goblet up and covering half his face. “Yeah, I don’t care,”
he says.

For some reason, Sirius’ completely nonchalant attitude when it comes to girls really gets
them going. He just looks like an arse in his opinion.

“Okay,” she giggles. “Um…see you tomorrow then!” Mayumi gets to her feet, but hesitates,
turning back to glance between him and Peter again. She points at him, lucky guess. “Happy
birthday…was it Remus?”

His lips form a thin line as he pretends this doesn’t feel like a humiliation ritual. “Yeah.
Thanks,” he replies stiffly.
There’s that smile glued to her face as she practically skips away, perfect hair swaying with
her. It really is a defining feature, she’s unfortunately pretty.

Peter mutters, “Almost got mistaken for you, mate.”

“Very aware.”

Sirius was late when he woke up after the moon yesterday. James was there, even Peter
showed up, and he used to be quite the rarity.

Remus was eating the dinner they brought when Sirius came bolting in, hair mussed up with
faint pink stains around his mouth. It was like he got pulled into a whirlwind, coming out a
beautiful mess. His own gaze was glued to that flushed face and tousled locks, and it was the
only word he could come up with. The fact that he was late wasn’t even his first thought.

It was just, Merlin, he’s beautiful, isn’t he?

Sirius apologized a handful, but he could hardly focus. The exact same feeling had occurred
when they hugged for the first time and his mind was full of cotton. He noticed the boy’s
tendency to search someone’s eyes when worried the way he first noticed the moles on his
face. Remus forgot to speak, perhaps that’s why Sirius stayed silent the rest of the time in the
Hospital Wing.

That unnamed feeling dared to surface when Sirius had made a careless mistake. How dare
it? He should have some contempt for the action, being too busy kissing his girlfriend to
remember him for hours.

If Sirius had ditched him on his birthday for her, Remus knows the feeling would still linger.
That’s the worst part.

He feels like one of the stupid girls that giggles when Sirius turns his back on them. When
he’s careless and nonchalant about the way he speaks to him, Remus still watches him pass
by with heavy lungs. How could he criticize Mayumi when he does the same thing?

He wants to figure Sirius out, to reach into his mind and dissect what has made him want to
act this way for the past three months. The two of them have hardly spoken alone since it’s
begun. Remus wants to understand him again.

The whole day is fine at best, he’s never been one for big celebrations anyway. While
blowing out the candles, he wears his mum’s jumper that fits him properly now that he’s
getting taller, it was always oversized before. But she should’ve been here to make him a new
one. Maybe she’d say something like ‘fourteen is just such a big number’.

He feels pressured to start doing things like Sirius even though he knows he can’t. Remus
can’t swagger up to a random girl he’s never spoken to before and charm her into kissing him
before the first date. He can’t even confront Sirius and ask him why it feels like he doesn’t
like him anymore.

Perhaps he’s moving on.

Lily and Mary gave him Abbey Road as a joint gift, James bought him a jumper, Peter got
him new books, Sirius got him… sweets . He shouldn’t be ungrateful, but after the walking
stick that started all of this, Remus had a hard time mustering up a ‘thank you’. He could
have dug this out of his trunk.

Now, he’s sitting on his bed, knees drawn up to his chest and watching nothing at all. There’s
a hole in his middle, gaping and filled with tar.

Sirius helped him enough, Remus can’t grasp onto his arm to make him stay, he’ll just leave
claw marks. He shouldn’t be forced to do anything. If he wants to leave him alone even after
promising not to, then so be it.

“Remus?”

He jerks his head to the source with wide eyes, finding the only person who would be here at
this time. His heart beats from his chest as he stares up at Sirius’ tentative face.

When he doesn’t reply, Sirius’ eyes dart to his bed, but he doesn’t ask to come in. Remus
doesn’t invite him.

“Can we talk downstairs?”

Wordlessly and with little hesitation, Remus climbs out of bed—hoping humiliation doesn’t
overtake him. Sirius moves a step back, spoiling their sudden proximity. He continues to
follow him out like a stupid puppy, and he knows what he looks like. He knows, he knows,
he knows.

When was the last time they had a night alone in the common room? First year? Forgive him
if his nerves fire up against his will.

Quietly, they sit opposite on the longest sofa, practically a mile apart. Sirius doesn’t look at
him for a long while, but all Remus can do is watch how the moon ripples along his sharp
profile, turning it soft.

There’s clearly something Sirius wants to say, so he waits for him. His mouth opens and
closes a few times before his brows screw together.

Finally, still without giving him so much as a glance, he asks, “What did I do?”

Remus blinks. “What?”

“Should I ask it again?”

He finds himself at a loss for words, every possibility for this he’d conjured up in the minute
it took to get here was refuted. This is the last thing he would have expected.
He clears his throat. “I just don’t understand what you mean, is all. If you…y’know,
elaborated, it’ll help—“

“Can you not be smart for a minute?” Sirius practically pleads, finally meeting his eye.
Remus nods silently. “Look, I didn’t know how to ask, because it just sounds so stupid. I
know I messed up yesterday with your recovery, and I really didn’t mean to do it, she just—
Remus, this has been going on for months now. So what have I done?”

Now it’s Remus’ turn to gape his mouth open and closed, unsure if Sirius is saying what he
thinks he’s saying. “What’s been going on for months?”

“You!” Sirius blurts. “You’re all…far away from me now and I dunno what I’ve done. Just
tell me what I did, and I’ll apologize, I mean it.”

Quickly, he turns to face Sirius fully on the sofa. “Well, I could ask you the same thing, in
that case.”

“What?”

“You’re far from me, too.”

Sirius knits his brows together. “You’re not making sense, Remus. Just tell me what I messed
up on, I’ll fix it,” he repeats sincerely.

“…I thought I might’ve done something wrong,” Remus replies slowly.

“What? You haven’t done anything.”

It’s like he’s getting his first breath of fresh air in three months. “But you’ve been ignoring
me…”

Sirius shakes his head quickly. “No, you were ignoring me,” he denies.

It hits him very quickly what has happened here, and shockingly enough, he begins to laugh
breathily. Sirius’ eyes search him in worry.

“What? What’s funny?”

Remus bites back a smile, holding Sirius’ nervous gaze. “We both thought we did something
wrong. Neither of us think the other did anything wrong,” he begins to explain.

It seems to dawn on Sirius then, too. “But you kept getting angry with me and we were
arguing a lot. And then I—I assumed there was something I did wrong since you weren’t
speaking with me, so I just…dunno, I suppose I backed off a little.”

“And in turn, I thought I did something wrong.”

“Oh.”

“Mm.”
“…Shit,” Sirius breathes, a chuckle leaving his mouth. It looks like he knows how to breathe
again, too. “But you were giving me the silent treatment, hanging out with Evans so much, so
I just assumed—“

“Yeah, you assumed,” he says. “So did I.”

“Shit.”

Remus quietly laughs some more, because this is just ridiculous. Of course, he also had his
own reasons for being against what Sirius was doing, but he wouldn’t dare admit that.

Still, he asks, “The sweets were really a present, then?”

A frown works its way onto Sirius’ face. “You didn’t like it? I thought you liked sweets.”

“I do,” he mumbles. “I just…I didn’t know.”

“I’ll do better, I mean it. I didn’t mean to—“

“Sirius,” Remus interrupts. “It’s okay.”

Sirius shakes his head vehemently. “No, you’re right. That’s a stupid present. I half arsed it, I
should’ve…I dunno. I’ll do better, I swear.” His brows form a wrinkle between them as he
rambles. “Just…I don’t like when you do that. Ignoring me and things. I know now you
thought I was doing the same, but I wasn’t, honestly I was just wondering why you didn’t
want to talk to me.”

“I do want to talk to you.”

Honestly, Sirius looks like he’s having a nervous break as he fiddles with his hands. How did
he not notice it? How did he let it get so out of hand that Sirius is admitting how he feels
about something?

“Hey,” Remus worries, “Are you okay?”

Sirius shakes his head once more, spewing out so many words he must be lightheaded. “Too
many things going on. The past few months have just flown by and then I’ve got this
girlfriend to worry about, but I’ve got all these other things I care about way more and it’s not
to say I don’t like her because I do, I do, and then everything I’ve been worrying about with
you…”

Hesitantly, Remus gets up and stands before Sirius. He stops his fiddling and rambling to
angle his head up and gaze moon-eyed at him. It echoes through his mind again, that word.

Beautiful.

Sirius is beautiful.

It’s more definite in his mind than it had been yesterday, but he’s quite sure of it now.
Before his breath can become heavy, he motions his head to the stairs. “You should rest,” he
mumbles.

Remus is being explored with this look until Sirius moves quickly to his feet, tugging him by
the front of his jumper and wrapping his arms around his center. It’s just like their first
embrace, thankful, desperate, too much for his brain to handle.

Sirius is squeezing his frame tight, head tucked right where his neck meets his shoulder. The
tip of his nose is squished right into his top’s hem, threatening to ghost his neck. He can feel
his breathing there.

It feels a lot like eternity, but he isn’t sure. He didn’t count this time, too lightheaded to even
try. Remus meant it the first time when he said he wants to stay like this until someone has to
force them apart.

That ‘someone’ seems to be Sirius, who sharply detaches himself and takes two quick steps
back. Their eyes don’t meet anymore.

“Thanks,” is all he breathes out after a moment's pause.

Remus nods once.

“Sorry for having to miss class tomorrow,” Sirius adds.

Right.

He shrugs. “It’s no big deal. I can take your notes this time, switch things up.”

Sirius smiles shyly. “You’d do that?”

“Of course, you do it all the time.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s when you’re moony. I’m choosing to do it for a very clingy girl.”

The use of moony makes him flush, thankfully it’s pretty dark in here. “I don’t mind. I mean
that. Also, you’re using that word like a nickname now. I used to ‘go moony’, now I just
am?”

“Well, you are,” Sirius shrugs. “Moony.”

“Still not what the actual word means.”

“But you don’t mind it, do you, Moony?”

Remus’ insides turn inside out at just the way he said it with that stupid sly smile. Don’t just
stand there.

“Notreallyno,” he spews out.

Sirius’ smile curls up further. He wraps an arm over his shoulder—the exact way he did to
Mayumi—and directs them to the spiral stairs. “Good, cause I quite like it as a name. It’s
fitting.”

He doesn’t keep a hold on him while they go up, but as Sirius lets go, his hand goes from
shoulder to shoulder before falling off at his side.

Remus doesn’t think any of this is intentional, but fucking hell.

He’s on fire.

Before they get back inside, Sirius stops outside the door.

“Happy birthday, and I really do mean it this time. I meant it both times, but now you know I
mean it.”

Remus thinks he’s on fire.

“Yeah. Thank you,” he whispers, forcing himself to smile so Sirius knows it’s okay.

He opens the door, letting Remus trail in his footsteps. Door shut, lights out, it’s quiet.

“Goodnight, Remus,” Sirius breathes.

“…Goodnight, Sirius.”

They split off to the opposite sides of the room as Sirius doesn’t go to James tonight.

Remus falls into bed with a heart drumming against his throat. It’s bad, it’s so bad.

He doesn’t get attention and he feels it. He gets attention and he feels it even more. It’s bad.
And it’s getting harder to keep it unnamed, but he takes after his mum in her stubbornness.

He knows the feel of Sirius grappling to him with hands curled into the threads of his jumper.
Strong, just as he assumed, the soft exhales against his neck, the slight rock in his step as they
were brought together.

It’s bad. It’s so bad.

Moony.

And of course a nickname, how could he do that to him right now? Moony. He should hate it,
being associated with the moon in such a way. But he doesn’t, he’s never hated Sirius’ stupid
little word he’s now turned into a name. And he doesn’t just not hate it, he likes it so much
he’s dizzied by it.

He’s up on that tightrope again above the thousand meter drop, and he’s swaying. The
consequences of exposure no longer lie below him, but something else entirely. He wants to
dance along the thin line of that something, he wants that so desperately.
 He’s so close to falling off, and he almost wants it.

But for the moment, the most he can conjure up in his mind is:

Fuck.

————

Chapter End Notes

CW: mentions of abuse

They are so annoying. Just so you all know I sigh when writing miscommunication
because it annoys me too, this was actually supposed to go on longer. I know. But I was
so annoyed by it I ended it by forcing Sirius and Remus together like barbie dolls.
You’re welcome.

Anyway. Regulus is still going through it somebody help him!

 Third Year: Unforgiving
Chapter Summary

Arguments, Façades, Forgiveness

Chapter Notes

CW at end note!

Words: 5.2k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

MAY 5, 1974

Empty classroom, arms wrapped behind his neck, and an urge to tell her he has places to be,
Sirius is stuck. Considering he only wanted to go on a date to prove to James he talks to the
girls who fancy him, this has gone on for far too long.

He likes Mayumi, she’s sweet, and she’s pretty, and sometimes she’ll even make him smile.
She’s also completely attached to him by the hip and it’s driving him mad. For the past three
months she has followed him and made it clear she wants to be around all of the time. It’s
seriously impeding his efforts in helping Remus out, there’s been hardly any progress since
he and James found out it was safe. Well, safe enough.

At least he and Remus have been on good terms since that night they realized they were both
being morons. Has it cleared up every insecurity he’s ever had? No, certainly not. Remus
pulled away first and he’s still yet to know why, but he isn’t sure letting his mind be plagued
by every apathetic response he was given is good for him. Maybe some things are just meant
to be left a mystery.

Anyway, kissing gets old when you’ve done it enough. If he had a galleon for every time
they’ve been in this exact scenario, he’d be a rich man. Well, a richer man.

His hands are on her waist and she’s tilting her head and blah blah blah, they’re snogging.
And Sirius is so bored. Sirius pulls back from her smeared pink lips, she chases after him.
Lightly, he presses his fingers to her sternum to keep her away.

“Hey, so…I’ve gotta go,” he says stupidly and quite out of breath.
Mayumi cocks her head and frowns. “What for? It’s a Sunday.”

“Well, I’ve got to help some friends with a thing and we planned to do it today.”

Sirius isn’t lying, he actually did plan to read up on the animagi process with James. Peter is
still unsure if he wants to but it’s not like it’s slowing their progress.

She raises a brow, removing her hands from behind his neck and placing them on her hips.
“You’ve got to help some friends with a thing?”

“…Yeah.” Sirius shrugs.

“Right…like the time you had to run out on me to help your friend with another thing?”

“…Yeah?”

He wasn’t lying about that either. She held him up for hours when it was Remus’ recovery
day, and he’s always there whenever he can be. He didn’t know how to excuse himself, so
eventually he just said it outright and ran off. Remus seemed annoyed about it, so he’s
making sure he just tells her from now on.

He doesn’t think Mayumi believes him from the way she’s looking at him though, but he’s
telling the truth which is what really matters.

“Which friend was it?”

“Remus.”

She hums, pursing her lips. “He isn’t very nice,” she mutters.

Sirius reels a step back. “Sorry?”

“Well, whenever I’m around, he gives me rude looks. And he’s always got this face on, it’s
very intimidating, don’t you think?”

“No…?” He answers, taking another small step away. “Remus is one of the least intimidating
people I know. If we’re talking intimidating, have you ever seen James angry?”

She frowns further. “No.”

“Yeah, well he’s got one hell of a glare,” Sirius chuckles. “Remus isn’t mean, he’s just…got a
permanently sad looking face.”

“That’s depressing,” Mayumi mumbles, eyes trailing off. “What happened to him?”

“Oh—nothing, I just meant how he frowns a lot—“

“No, the…” She starts, voice lowering. “Y’know…the scars.”

Sirius stiffens, people don’t usually just bring that sort of thing up. What the hell is he meant
to say? Bear fight? Fell face first into the edge of a counter…four times? Walked into a thorn
bush?

His mouth works faster than his brain apparently, and he comes up with, “I…I don’t know.”

“Oh,” she mumbles. “How underwhelming.”

“Sure…” Sirius begins to back away slowly. “Well, y’know the thing I’ve got to do?”

“What friend is it for?”

Sirius pulls his collar back into place as he approaches the door. “Just James.”

Mayumi’s eyes light up and she follows after him. Sirius nearly clenches his jaw. “Well,
couldn’t I come along, then?”

“No.”

She stops abruptly at his blunt tone. They stare at each other for a long moment.

“…Okay,” she laughs awkwardly. “I’ll see you around, then?”

“Yeah, see you.”

He leaves first, holding the door for her then walking away without looking back.

Sirius whistles low, hands dug into his pockets as he makes his way up to the fourth floor for
the library. He knows how he looks, hair disheveled and lips kissed to hell with a loosened up
tie. Not everyone is around considering it being a weekend, but those who are glance at him
left and right.

He’s a spectacle of a sort.

Up on the third floor, there’s a distant pair of shouting voices. It intrigues him, and Sirius
saunters on over to the approaching noise around the corner.

“—showed up at the wrong time, he was being awful!”

That’s James’ voice. Sirius pokes his head out and locks in on James and Lily together…
alone. He’d think it a good thing if not for both of their exasperated expressions.

“One of you just got out of the Hospital Wing and the other is completely fine, what am I
meant to think?” Lily argues.

“I dunno, maybe that I’m a better dueler than he is—“

“That is not what I’m talking about!”

James scoffs. “Oh, come on! You showed up halfway through the fight, he was being rude to
Peter, I wasn’t just gonna stand there.”

Lily crossed her arms. “Really, now?”

“Uh, yeah!” He sasses. “Fun fact, Evans, your friend is a huge tosser who likes being an arse
to people he thinks are lesser than him.”

“Have you mistaken Severus for a mirror?” She retorts. “Because I recall you doing the exact
same thing!”

“And you’re gonna turn it on me now, okay—“

“The whole thing is about you! How is that turning it on you, you quite literally sent him to
the Hospital Wing!”

James rolls his eyes—rolls his eyes at Lily Evans—and presses his fingers to his nose bridge.
“Because he was calling Peter daft!”

“Am I expected to believe that?”

“Yes?!” James stresses. “Why would I lie about this? And Evans, you’d be the last person to
tell me to not use violence to defend myself, Miss ‘I just petrified a teacher’.”

Lily goes wide eyed like she’s trying to gut him with her eyeballs. “That was completely
different,” she grumbles.

“Not even a little bit,” James mutters, face completely serious. “Donahue is a bad person,
Snape is a bad person.”

Sirius is incredibly nosy and he is drinking up every second of this.

“Severus is not a bad person, you’ve got him wrong,” Lily frowns. “He’s had a hard life,
okay? And don’t start calling him Snape like you haven’t used that ridiculous nickname for
three years straight. What both of you did wasn’t okay.”

“What’s so hard about his life, then?” James interrogates, crossing his arms as he waits for an
answer.

“Well, it’s certainly worse than yours, you have an advantage just existing and you have no
clue!”

“I—I have a clue!”

“Potter, you get to walk around like you own everything, and you know what, you might as
well! If you ask a stupid question, it doesn’t matter. Self-importance doesn’t matter, because
you can get away with it. You never even seem worried about all the detentions you get,” she
explains, and James lets her without interrupting. “Y’know that whole time we were talking
with Dumbledore last term, I thought I was going to be kicked out? I bet you if it’d been you
to petrify her, it wouldn’t have even crossed your mind.”

James is stunned into silence, shaking his head at her. “Listen, I dunno what you want me to
say, but it doesn’t look like your problem here is the fight. Just me.”
Lily smiles up at him, but it’s sour and unnatural on her face. “Self-importance,” she says
quietly, smile dropping. “Don’t tell me how to feel.”

“Evans, I’m not.”

“I want you to leave him alone. And leave me alone too.”

“You followed me,” James points out, brows lowered. “And even then, I refuse.”

Lily scoffs a laugh. “You refuse?”

“I don’t take kindly to his beliefs.”

“His beliefs! As if you know him?”

He sighs raggedly, pacing and groaning in frustration. “I don’t need to know him to see the
kinds of people he associates himself with. C’mon we’ve had this argument maybe ten times
now, it’s tiring.”

Lily stiffens and clenches her jaw. “You’re right. It is tiring,” she quietly fumes, moving past
James and leaving him alone in the hallway. Well, alone other than Sirius, whose head feels
like it’s going to explode.

James doesn’t move after Lily’s out of sight, instead he just stands and stares at the stone
flooring below. Sirius doesn’t think he’s ever seen this kind of look on his best friend’s face
before. His eyes are sullen and mouth is pulled into a slight frown. It’s…sad.

That realization hits him like a cursed broom to the face, has he never seen James truly upset?
After having gone this whole year essentially having nervous breakdowns in his arms, Sirius
feels excluded somehow. He hasn’t been given access the way Sirius has given it to him, how
is that any fair?

He waits about a minute to see if James moves, but he seems rather caught in his head, like
his mind is too busy to move. It must have been enough time between Lily’s departure and
James’ standstill for Sirius to come out and ask what’s wrong. So…he casually strolls out like
he didn’t hear anything at all.

James catches him in his peripheral and his expression is washed over with a smile so quickly
it’s jarring.

“Hey! Ready to study?” He greets loudly, bumping an elbow to Sirius’ side. “You’ve got pink
stuff all over your face, by the way.”

Sirius rolls his eyes and rubs his mouth with the end of his sleeve, transferring it onto the
fabric. “Ugh, I know.”

“Did you have to forcibly detach yourself again?”

“Yeah…”
James chuckles. “I’m sure she’s fed up, probably thinks you’ll do anything to get away from
her.”

Obviously he’s joking, but Sirius’ shoulders tense up. “Well, she’s my girlfriend, so don’t say
that,” he mutters.

“Only teasing, I know you like her,” James says. “Walking around with lipstick all over your
face, you are ridiculous.”

On the entire journey to the library not once is the fight between James and Lily brought up
nor are Snape and Peter. That seems like a big thing to omit from your best friend, but James
doesn’t even seem bothered.

As they enter the library Sirius asks coolly, “Everything going alright?” Just to nudge him.

“Yeah,” he says and drops his bag into a chair. “Snivellus was being a twat earlier, oh you
should’ve seen the look on his face when I did a Knee-Reversal hex on him.”

“You reversed his knees?”

James chuckles, reminiscing. “Mhm, easy to switch back, but I bet that’ll shut him up for a
bit.”

Sirius puts his things down, waiting for James to continue and talk about Lily, but he doesn’t.
Typically, he would take any chance he gets to babble on about her. But he doesn’t.

So he nudges again. “How’s Evans feeling about that?”

James raises a brow at him. “Well, how d’you think?”

“…Yeah, suppose that’s a…dumb question,” Sirius mumbles, clearing his throat. “Anyway,
what are we starting with?”

———

Lily shoves the door closed, dropping her things to her bed with a frustrated huff. With shut
eyes, she presses her forehead up against the bedpost. She wants time to herself to think but
before she gets even a moment, the door reopens.

“Lily?” Mary says.

She twists around slowly to face her. Mary’s brows are furrowed in worry and the door is
pushed back shut.

“Are you okay?”

Lily sighs, pulling a hand down her face. “Word got out?” She asks.

Mary grimaces. “A bit, but why is it stressing you out so much?”

“Because Potter is a nuisance and doesn’t leave him alone! He’s driving me mad, really.”

There’s no response for a good minute. It makes Lily antsy, smoothing her clothing out of
habit.

“I mean…was he provoked?” Mary questions with a careful tone.

“Severus said something about Pettigrew apparently, but there was just no need—“

“So he did?”

Lily watches her with a mouth halfway through a sentence. Mary looks like she’s tip-toeing
around her, which is the last thing she wants, but she’s in a mood. “Calling someone a bit
stupid doesn’t mean you get to put them in the Hospital Wing, Mary,” she mutters. “Maybe if
this was the first time he’s done it, I wouldn’t be so upset, but he’s using it as an excuse to
hurt him, I know it.”

“But do you think Potter should’ve just let him belittle his friend?” Mary interrogates, taking
a step closer. “If it was…say Mulciber, making fun of me, what would you do?”

“Mary, that’s not the same thing, they’re two different people. Two completely different
situations.”

She bristles, taking a sharp breath. “But you agreed with Dorcas that you wouldn’t care about
getting in trouble if it meant defending me. Was that a lie?”

“No!” Lily says firmly. “I don’t know why you’re arguing with me all of a sudden, it’s not
about y—“ She cuts off that sentence, watching Mary raise a brow. “If Mulciber was being a
prat, I’d deal with him.”

“Right. So what’s the difference?”

“I already said it, Potter used it as an excuse to attack him.”

Mary crosses her arms to become visibly smaller, shaking her head with a look Lily can’t
pick apart. It’s not like she’s ever liked Severus, so of course she’d defend Potter and his
antics. Just because he’s a Slytherin doesn’t mean he’s like the rest of them, but no one seems
to be able to understand that. Even someone empathetic like Mary is.

“I just don’t get it,” Mary says softly. “After what happened at Hogsmeade, I don’t like being
out on my own anymore. You stopped flying in second year.”

Lily swallows. “Those weren’t him. You can’t put the blame on him for that, it was all—“

“His friends, yeah. I know.” Mary’s hardly an arms distance away, and Lily wonders if she’s
realized. “Does he feel any guilt?”
“Well why would he? It wasn’t him,” she replies. “Do I put every bad thing Potter’s done on
Remus? No, I don’t. Maybe you need to learn how to separate someone from the people
they’re around.”

Mary raises her brows, searching her face intensely. “Really?”

“Yeah! I don’t know why you’re turning this into something it isn’t, I don’t want to argue
with you. You’re the one saying you think someone deserved being hexed.”

Mary’s jaw is clenched. Lily wishes this spat would just finish itself already. It’s not the first
time they’ve had disagreements about him, rehashed arguments seem to be the theme of the
day.

“…You know a couple months back, I was trying to return a book on my own. The three of
you were all out and busy, and it was only going to be a minute,” Mary tells, eyes holding
hers the whole way through. “I’m just finished putting it back when a little bit of folded paper
is shoved into my hands by Avery. I don’t really know what to do, so I just open it…and I
read it.” Her eyes go distant in remembrance.

“It destroys itself as soon as I do, so I can’t even really let it sit with me. Meanwhile, Avery’s
across the room and he’s at a table with the rest of them. Snape’s right beside him and they’re
both just laughing. And there was nothing I could do, what could I have done? I was on my
own. But you know what, if James goddamn Potter of all people had been there, at least I
know he would have done something about it.”

Lily blinks in shock, stomach turning into itself. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You would’ve defended him, that’s why,” Mary mutters angrily. “I don’t want to know what
you think about it, because you’ll just do it again. And I don’t need to hear that.”

She bites on her tongue to hold back her comments, because Mary isn’t…wrong. In a
different way, of course, but Lily has a feeling Severus has no idea what Avery did there. He
walked past Mary, handed her the note, then joined up with the others. It’s not like he was at
the table, went to Mary, then sat back down.

Lily doesn’t know what the note said, but it’s obviously messed with Mary, so her anger is
directed at Avery, not Sev. He had nothing to do with it once again, so it’s unfair to put
something like that on him.

“Mary, listen—“

“Don’t, okay?” She interrupts. “I don’t know why you insist on him the way you do. But I
don’t believe it, and so I won’t agree with you.”

Lily glances at the floor, nodding slowly. If only people knew that he was good, too. When
she was younger, he was the first person to understand her. They were different, but they
were different together and that was what mattered. Even if he’s not the same as he was, she
has to stand by him and his troubles. That’s what they agreed to all that time ago.
When he’d come to her with fear behind his eyes and a weakened body, Lily was the one to
help him. It’s not like he ever gave the details, but even with her head in the clouds, she
knew.

Severus is not such a black and white person, and she refuses to leave him behind for not
being brave enough to speak out again. He hasn’t hurt anyone, and he wouldn’t. That’s not
who he is.

———

MAY 11, 1974

A notebook full of Dark Magic notes and an emptied classroom, Dorcas practically lives here
now. Her friends ask why the amount of lessons have increased the way they have, and she
can’t tell them. She’s scared of her own image, her own future, her own hand.

It’s lucky Lazarus is as kind as he is and allows her to come anytime she wants, which is
growing very frequent. In fact, she’s started showing up unprompted whenever her heart
begins to stutter and her mind washes over with fear. Dorcas will enter his office and he
won’t say a word, perhaps just turning to prepare her tea. It’s like he already knows when
she’s coming.

When that happens, there are no lessons and teachings for her. Neither seem to mind.

Today, however, is not one of those days. Today was planned, and there is no desk in the
center of the room for the first time since they started Dark Magic. She can’t tell if the way
her heart beats is because of excitement or quite the opposite.

They’ve been doing this for so long now it’s just become normal, she’s practically
memorized her notes cover to cover. Not to mention all of those readings from the restricted
section, most notably Magick Moste Evile by Godelot. Of course, she wasn’t meant to read
all of it, only sections that he assigned. Dorcas’ curiosity just…got the better of her.

She won’t stand here and pretend it’s not an incredibly interesting subject even with all of its
issues. The things that are possible with magic are unsettling at best, flesh crawling at worst.
Like the reanimated corpses, Inferi, and the relic discovered by Salazar Slytherin in the first
millennium.

It’s all consuming, and she wonders why most of these things aren’t taught in History of
Magic. That ridiculous ghost just babbles on about wars and the good people that brought
peace, but wouldn’t more people be engaged if they heard things like this?

“Ah, Dorcas! Early again, fantastic, we can get started then,” Lazarus greets, coming down to
the center of the room with her.
“Perfect! Uh…I’m guessing we’re switching things around today?”

“Precisely,” he says, “We’re getting started with the actual casting. I think your brain’s
overloaded with information now, you can put the notebook away.”

Dorcas nods quickly, shoving her book into her bag and dropping it to the floor.

Lazarus blinks amusedly. “Excited?”

“Maybe, I’m still figuring it out,” she quips, rocking on her feet. “Feeling something,
though.”

“Good, I uh…I need you to latch onto feelings today, it’s a heavy one, and I need you to trust
me.” Dorcas’ expression falls, but he continues, “Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, of course I do. What is it then?”

Lazarus watches her carefully, but Dorcas doesn’t shy from his investigative eye. “You really
are one for ambition, you know. I believe that you’ve pushed your limits in a way many
wouldn’t dare. Really, Slytherin would have been a good fit for you.”

Dorcas reels back suddenly, brows furrowing. “Slytherin?”

He holds his hands out in a gesture to calm her. “That is far from an insult. Once upon a time,
Slytherins were known for their confidence, ambition, and leadership,” he explains.
“Although it’s not so commonly associated with those traits anymore, I do believe you have
possessed these throughout our time here. It’s a compliment.”

Her lips pull into a thin line to think. Well, Lazarus has always been quite old-fashioned with
too much knowledge of history. Of course he’d think that’s a kind thing to say despite how
every Slytherin makes her want to put her head through a brick wall.

“I…thanks…?” Dorcas grimaces, trying to pull on a grin, but it doesn’t really look right.

“Alright, I understand it’s not the best thing to tell a Gryffindor,” he chuckles, crossing his
arms. “Moving on, today is where this whole thing being just for us is very important, okay?”

“Mhm.”

Lazarus waits for a beat. “Unforgivables, Dorcas, are the focus of today.”

Her heart drops.

Maybe he can see it, because his stance softens up. “I don’t want you to be frightened, we’re
only focusing on one today and when used for education is completely harmless—“

“So it’s Imperius,” she says.

He nods. “Yes. It’s the Imperius Curse. I’ve already taught you it plenty and you’ve read on
it, so I thought it would be best to actually try it.”
Dorcas chews on her cheek before saying, “Well, isn’t that illegal? I thought that would send
you straight to Azkaban.”

“Typically, yes,” Lazarus shrugs, beginning a slow pace around the room. “But this is for
education, we don’t intend to harm one another, and the Ministry wouldn’t know anyhow.
The Imperius Curse is the most versatile, and not inherently harmful.”

She hums, mimicking his slow steps so they circle one another. “I think taking someone’s
autonomy is harmful, violent intent or not.”

“That’s a very good point, but then again, if we both agree to it, where’s the harm in that?”

“Consensual autonomy stealing then.”

He makes a noise and cocks his head. “Sure, that’s a way to put it. But again, it takes a lot of
trust, and if you aren’t willing—“

“I’ll do it.”

Lazarus stops pacing. “Alright, very well. You know, there is a chance you could throw it off,
I believe your mind is strong,” he comments, pulling his wand out.

Dorcas stays rooted to the ground now. “Probably not first try, though.”

“No, likely not.”

He raises his wand and points it directly at her forehead. It’s not the best imagery, and an
instinctive wave of panic shoots down her spine making her nearly grab her own wand.

Noticing her sudden apprehension, he says, “When I do it, I will only make you speak since
the sensation is quite strange. When you perform it on me, you will do the same.
Understand?”

Dorcas nods slowly, breathing heavily with a weapon aimed to her face. It makes her mind
wander to thoughts she’s never had before, like if he’s been in this position before. It looks
like it comes quite naturally to him. Has he taught others like he’s teaching her now? Is she
really as special as he says? Has he ever used these in a non-academic setting? Where did he
come from? Who is he? Why are they doing this in the first place?

“Imperio.”

Ice runs down her spine and floods her nerves, fingers tingling and numb as her brain
puddles. She didn’t get a chance to fight, but why would she?

Her chest feels like she’s filled with helium, floating yet lightheaded. At the moment, there is
nothing she can do but stand and blink, but what else is there to do? Why would she need
anything else?

Words tumble from her mouth, but Dorcas had no idea they were coming. That should scare
her, those words didn’t come from her brain, they are not hers. She can hardly recall what he
made her say despite how they just fell from her lips. It is wrong, and it is not her.

Warmth rushes back into her veins, the ground beneath her solid once more, and she gasps
like she’s never breathed on her own before.

“No, no, that’s wrong, that's so wrong!” She shouts, backing away and pressing her hands to
her temples.

Lazarus quickly pockets his wand, holding his arms out to soothe her. It doesn’t work when
her skin is crawling in the aftermath. “Dorcas, calm yourself, please.”

“How did you do it so easily?” Dorcas freaks. “I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even—“

“Dorcas, I need you to relax, it’s not good for the mind.” He gets close enough to put a hand
on her shoulder, she glances and doesn’t budge further away. “I’m trained, that’s why. You
cannot panic now, because I’d like to teach you to be able to fight it off.”

She stares up at him angrily, but she doesn’t have a clue what she’s so mad about. They
agreed to do it, he even told her what he’d make her do. Just relax. Relax.

“So you’re going to do it to me again…?” She mutters.

“Not yet,” Lazarus says. “You will perform it on me first, and then we can practice getting
you to be able to fight it. Fighting an Imperius Curse is an incredibly useful skill to have, you
never know when someone will want to use you to get things done.”

Dorcas nearly shudders. “Well, that’s…I don’t like that.”

“No one does.”

He takes a few steps back to the center, arms out like he’s inviting her to get him back. She
will, she’s craving to make him feel the way she did. Wrong and disgusting, like her brain has
been melted and put through a compress. There’s no way to describe words coming from
your mouth that you didn’t think up.

Dorcas clenches her jaw and positions herself, blood still boiling and heart pounding from the
aftermath. The thing is, when she casts this, she’s committed a crime against humanity, even
if it’s consensual. That should sit with her differently, but it doesn’t. It lays atop of her like
skin she could shed overnight.

She raises her wand, brows lowered with a deep frown. Lazarus still has his arms wide open
to let her know it’s okay. It is okay. This is okay.

“Your hand is shaking Dorcas, be confident.”

Dorcas shuts her eyes for a moment, tightening the grip on her wand. Blinking them open,
she steadies.

“Imperio!”
Lazarus’ body stiffens, pulling him into an upright position. His eyes are rimmed with a pale
blue, and Dorcas has control.

It’s nearly just as odd a sensation as being under the curse is, she could make him do
anything she wanted. Anything in the world. She could have him leave the room and do
something ridiculous like a backflip in the halls or do jumping jacks. He could kill someone.
Or…Dorcas could make him do that. If she wanted.

She doesn’t want that, nor would she ever. But she has the power to.

Suddenly there’s a prodding at her control, the equivalent of a tugging on ropes, or even a
dagger sliding back and forth cutting away at the threads. She’s losing it, she hasn’t even
made him say what she wanted him to yet. What does she want him to say?

She smiles, it’s a stupid sentence.

“Dorcas Meadowes is the greatest student to cross these grounds,” Lazarus says blankly, eyes
empty.

Chuckling, she raises his arm up and makes him wave at her like a puppet.

Before she can do anything else, the ropes are sliced open and she feels the power be pulled
from her grasps. Her professor looks on her warily.

“I said words only,” he reminds.

“Oh, come on, it was only a hand wave,” Dorcas dismisses. “Let me try again, I won’t do it
this time—“

“Absolutely not, I set a boundary and you crossed it.”

Dorcas puts her wand at her side, smile fading. “But shouldn’t you be proud I could do that? I
did it and I did it well. That’s good!”

Lazarus sighs, turning and approaching his raised desk. “And I thought I emphasized control
and portioning your magic enough...”

“Are you upset with me?” She asks, moving towards him. “I didn’t mean to—I mean, I did,
but I didn’t think it would upset you.”

“You didn’t control yourself, is the issue,” he states. “Impressive it may be, but you couldn’t
hold back from an impulse despite my instruction. I thought you didn’t want to end up like
her.”

“I—“ Dorcas stutters, faltering and diverting her eyes. “No, I don’t, but I didn’t think
something so small would be correlated to that.”

Lazarus quietly writes something down at his desk and her insides shrivel up. He’s
disappointed in her to a degree she’s never seen before all for something she didn’t even
 think twice about. Maybe that’s what he’s emphasizing. Dorcas is careless and she’s going to
end up mindless and hollow.

“Listen—“ she continues. “You could try it again on me and teach me how to break out of it
as many times as you’d like. I mean it, I’ll be able to break out by the end of this session to
make it up to you,” Dorcas near pleads, staring up as he disregards her to keep writing notes.
Her lip curls at him. “Stop ignoring me, I’m trying to talk to you!”

He glances up then, some look she can’t decipher behind his black irises. “That’s better, don’t
beg for things, it’s a bad look for a witch of your skill. But you’re angry, I can see it.”

“Of course I’m angry! You stand there on your podium and make me feel—“

Worth everything and worth nothing.

“I will continue the lesson, if you’ll let m—“

“I’ll let you,” she echoes before he can even finish. “I need to learn it.”

Lazarus nods, but he doesn’t move from his spot above her. “Very well.”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: Dorcas’ POV might be uncomfortable due to the way I’ve worded things, and it’s
purposeful so I thought I’d put this here :)

Anyway! This is a pretty packed chapter 3 POVs and 3 arguments. I’m sort of putting
women through it in this one but idk bear with me I love them. I hope despite how kind
of strange the stuff with Dorcas has gotten it’s still enjoyable because I love certain
mentor mentee dynamics. Next one is another packed one so stay tuneddd :)
 Third Year: Tangled
Chapter Summary

Lily, James, and Regulus are falling into something they can’t get out of.

Chapter Notes

I’ll be changing the upload schedule back to every 5 days btw since I’ve been busy
lately and am going back to college in a few weeks :). I still have all the way to ch 69
written I just like having a safety net.

Words: 4.8k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 3, 1974

The sun is warm against her skin even under the canopy of leaves above. The courtyard is
packed now that it’s really warming up, filled with other students hanging out, studying, or
playing games.

At the moment, Lily’s watching Alice gaze at a group of boys tossing a Quaffle around to one
another. She knows that sort of look, maybe this is why Mary says she’s so obvious, because
it really is from an outside perspective. Her round cheeks are tinted pink, and whether it’s
natural, from the sun, or powder blush doesn’t matter.

“Is it Frank?” She asks quietly.

Alice turns to her with wide eyes, pursing her lips shyly. “Um…is what Frank?” She replies a
bit stupidly, smile fighting its way into her face.

Lily’s jaw drops with a grin, nudging her friend by the shoulder. “Aw c’mon, don’t deny it!
He is quite handsome, to be fair.”

Her facade drops quickly, eyes darting over to Frank, all tanned skin and dark hair with a
contagious laugh. “Ugh, you’re right. I’ve been thinking about it the past few months.”

“Months? You never said!”

“Because…I mean c'mon, Lily,” Alice sighs. “Quidditch player, older, definitely out of my
league.”

Lily scoffs. “Oh, come off it, that’s ridiculous and you know it. You’re closer with him than
any of us are,” she says, her own vision making its way to Frank. He’s with every member of
the team other than the captain, meaning Potter and Sirius are there too. They’re not
bothering her at the minute, so she’ll coexist.

“Yeah, but that’s all friendly,” Alice mutters, playing with the end of her skirt. “It’s annoying,
I started thinking about it when James Potter brought it up at the first Hogsmeade trip.”

“The first—“ Lily gapes. “That was November, Alice. You should’ve told me, oh my god. I
would’ve…I could’ve set something up, it would’ve been so fun.”

Alice laughs lightly. “No need, it’s definitely not happening. I can always watch from afar,
though, never hurt anyone.” She sighs, leaning into her space. “You’re right, he’s stupidly
handsome.”

“I don’t think it’s such a far-fetched idea like you seem to think,” she says, letting Alice rest
against her shoulder. “And you just turned fourteen, he’s fifteen. Age gap…not so bad…
huh…”

“Shut up,” Alice flushes. “Oh, what do I do? Now that you’re bringing it up, I wanna—
you’re a bad influence.”

Lily barks a laugh. “Hardly! Listen, you should ask him for a hangout at Hogsmeade this
weekend. Maybe don’t say date yet, but how many times have you hung out alone?”

“Mm…few times. Not enough. Eric Jones loves tagging along. Love the guy, but come on.”

“So just say you want some hanging out time before the term ends, that’s normal and
friendly, don’t you think?” Lily suggests. “Get tea together or something.”

Alice groans. “He doesn’t like tea.”

“Ooh, that’s unfortunate.”

“I know! Offered it once, and it was sort of embarrassing, but…” she trails off, glancing off
in the distance. “Potter stare, three o’ clock.”

Lily rolls her eyes. “Oh, don’t say it like that,” she lightheartedly scolds, following Alice’s
eyes. Blimey, she’s right, and the moment they make contact, he blinks and glances up at the
sky while whistling. Suddenly, a Quaffle tossed by Sirius comes and wacks him in the side of
the head, making him stumble.

Her and Alice look at one another while Sirius gets a sharp shove to the shoulder. “Morons,
really,” she quietly comments. Potter ruffles his hair up and bites back a smile, fully spinning
to face away from her.
Since her argument with him, he’s avoided talking to her or Severus, which has actually been
quite nice. At least he caught onto what she wanted this time. However, it seems that he’s
traded the talking for constant staring as if he’s going to jump out of his skin since he can’t
pester her the way he wants.

“Hey, you two!” Mary calls excitedly, going out of her way to sit on Alice’s side. Lily sits up
straighter, pretending that it doesn't disappoint her. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, just watched Potter get hit in the face with a Quaffle,” Alice muses, lifting her head
from Lily’s shoulder. “Where’s Dor?”

Mary sighs. “Lesson.”

“Again?” Lily exclaims. “We had Defense today, she needs more? I feel like I hardly get to
see her now, I hope Ainsworth isn’t pushing her too hard.”

Alice hums in agreement. “I don’t see the need for three consecutive lesson days. It used to
be once a month!”

“Yeah…” Mary mutters, eyes thoughtful before blinking out of it. “Well, anyway, did you
really see Potter get whacked?”

“Oh yeah, hilarious. Nearly got his glasses knocked off…I think I’m gonna ask Frank to
Hogsmeade later.”

“Oh!” Mary gasps. “Finally, that is so—“

“You knew?” Lily asks.

She shrugs. “Dunno about knew, but Alice you’ve got a very blushy face. And also he took
your hand to dance with you in the common room and you gave Dorcas this look like you
won the lottery.”

“I—“ Alice starts, face going even more pink. “Tell me it’s not that obvious.”

“Can’t, I’m sorry.”

Alice makes a distressed noise and drops her face into her hands. Lily and Mary desperately
hold back giggles and midway through lock eyes over Alice’s back.

Their argument was discarded and not brought up again by either one of them, likely in fear
that it would ruin what they have going on. The only real consequence that came from it was
Mary not showing up in her bed that night, but that happens all the time anyway. Over a
month later, and they’re back to their regular scheduled snog sessions in the dark.

In fact, they had one last night. Perhaps that’s why Mary’s face is going red. Lily glances
away with a smug little smirk.
Later that day, Mary, Lily and Dorcas are huddled in the girls’ staircase to listen in on Alice
and Frank. Dorcas had quickly been informed of Alice’s plan and her mood instantly
switched. Lily really does hope their Defense teacher isn’t pushing her too much, she’s
always in a mood after her lessons now. Currently, it’s buried by their anticipation for the
date-not-date they’re about to witness.

They’re not the only ones in the common room, so she does have to strain her ears to hear
anything, but it works well enough.

Frank is laying out and taking up an entire sofa considering his lankiness. Alice is on a
smaller one right beside him tapping her ankles anxiously.

“There’s another Hogsmeade trip this weekend,” she starts with, pretending she just thought
of it.

Frank glances over and nods. “Yeah, I was gonna hang out with Benjy and Eric. Any plans
for you?”

“Oh, well I was thinking…” Alice says, “I’d go with you.”

Lily smiles, getting it right out of the way then. It doesn’t seem to register in Frank, though.

“You can come along, that’d be fun,” he smiles. “They like having you around.”

She purses her lips, tapping her ankles some more. “Mhm…I was thinking more like…just
us. We don’t get much time on our own, y’know?”

Alice sounds nervous like hell, it’s actually adorable.

Frank sits up and leans an elbow to the side of the sofa, likely the most flirty looking gesture
Lily has ever seen. Even Mary giggles.

“You know what, you’re right. We ought to go.”

“Really?” Alice exclaims, a smile stretching onto her features. “You don’t mind ditching your
friends?”

“Nah. They don’t care, I don’t care. We’ll go together and if they try to bother us, I’ll say
fuck off!” Frank says lightheartedly with a big grin.

“Oh, no, don’t do that…”

Frank chuckles, giving her a quick once over. “I would.”

Dorcas groans quietly. “They’re flirting so hard, why does she think he’s out of her league
again?”

Lily sighs, “I’ve got no idea.”

“So….we’re good?” Alice asks.

He nods quickly. “Yes! Definitely.”

“Okay! Cool…I um…I’ve gotta go now, but I’ll see you!”

Frank bids her farewell, and Alice goes over to them with a lot of pep in her step as well as a
bitten back smile. The four of them whisper a whole lot of excited nonsense as they rush back
to their room.

As soon as the door closes, Mary shouts, “You’ve got a date!”

“Far from a date, we’re just hanging out—“

“Oh, come on, Alice…” Dorcas says. “His positioning on the couch, your stupid flirty banter,
ugh, it’s so obvious.”

Alice goes bright red in the face. “Flirty banter?!”

“Uh, yeah,” Lily agrees, moving to drape herself over a chair to mimic him. “Oh, Alice, I’d
love to be alone with you…going to Hogsmeade and getting tea I don’t like. But I’d do it,
just for you!”

She squeals in embarrassment, covering her eyes with her hands. “Stop it, he didn’t even say
that!”

“Implied.”

“We’re still just friends!”

“Oh, please,” Mary laughs, hopping into bed. “More like friends who want to kiss each
other.”

Alice groans some more, greatly flustered by this entire day which just makes Lily giggle.
She’s never seen her friend like this before, it’s sweet. In a way, it makes her crave to be able
to talk about the people she fancies…only, she’s in the room and highly uncooperative.

To her, it’s become quite apparent that her interest in Mary means that she could fancy any
girl if it really came down to it. Mary’s special just because…well, she’s Mary. All curls and
deep skin with a pretty smile that makes her heart feel weak. But even then, she’s starting to
understand why she’d linger on other girls’ appearances in the past or why she was often
jealous of them.

It was definitely not jealousy.

It’s all very confusing because Lily’s fairly sure her eyes aren’t limited to just the girls she
sees. If she were to say that blokes haven’t caught her eye too, she would be lying.

Hours later, she’s tucking into bed in her pajamas when Mary enters and places a Silencing
charm around them. Wordlessly, Lily pulls the covers over to give her room beside her.

Mary never stays the whole night, but just a couple of hours together is always worth it.
“Hey,” she whispers as Mary shimmies to get comfortable under the duvet.

They turn on their sides to face one another and although there’s hardly any light, Lily can
still make out the outline of her features.

“Hi.”

“Any reason you’ve stopped by?” Lily jokes, eyes moving downwards without fully realizing
it.

Mary bites back a smile. “Oh, nothing…”

“Yeah, but you were watching me earlier.”

“What, outside?”

Lily smiles. “Yeah. Thinking about…anything in particular?”

That forces a shy chuckle from Mary. “Definitely not,” she lies.

“Mhm…” She hums, reaching out to thumb at Mary’s bare shoulder. That’s the best thing
about the weather warming up, it’s tank season. “Could I get a rating?”

“A rating?”

“Yeah, like old times.”

Mary laughs again, eyes darting to the hand on her shoulder. “Old times, you’re ridiculous.
I’d say um…six out of ten.”

Lily stops her hand’s movement in shock. “Six out of ten? Really now?” There’s an amused
look on her face, it makes Lily roll her eyes. “Want to go for ten out of ten?”

There’s no verbal answer, Mary just goes for it as she usually does, so it doesn’t take her by
surprise. Lily reciprocates the kiss with a faint smile, quickly deepening it and rolling Mary
onto her back so she’s above her.

Grappling hands move quickly through her hair and the side of her neck, and Lily’s head
goes fuzzy. It’s always such a funny feeling, like her brain can’t handle a little lip to lip action
without putting her head up in the clouds.

Lily slides her own grip down to Mary’s waist and presses in just a touch, disconnecting their
lips with a sharp gasp to catch her breath. Before they can come back together again, Mary
pants out, “Can I ask you something?”

Her mind is away from her, but she blinks rapidly to refocus. “Yeah?” Considering they’re
breathing into each other’s mouths, she’s surprised she’s able to say anything at all.

“What are we gonna do when—“ Mary swallows, chest heaving. “When we really start
dating people?”
What a way to pull her back to the ground. Lily lifts herself further from Mary’s face and
furrows her brows. “What?”

Somehow, Mary looks more confused by Lily’s confusion than her own ridiculous question.

“Y’know…when we get into real relationships.”

Currently, she has the taste of her friend in her mouth with her waist in her hands, so saying
that the question takes her off guard is an understatement. Real relationships? What does that
even mean?

“I think I’m confused,” she says.

Mary watches her carefully as Lily sits up—in her lap, but up nonetheless. “Well, I’m saying
that when we start dating boys, this would make it complicated, no?”

Lily blinks, head a blur. “Sorry?”

“Jesus, did someone hit you with a Confundus charm?” It’s lighthearted, but her stomach
turns anyway. Mary sits up as well, but their position is incredibly compromising for this
conversation. “This is fun, for sure. But I—I mean I was thinking it just now.”

“You were thinking about dating boys just now?”

Mary shrugs, hand naturally coming down to rest on her thigh. As if that’s meant to make this
easier. “Not like that, it just sort of popped in my head. Like wow, how would I explain this
sort of thing to a boyfriend?”

Lily sets her jaw, but she doesn’t move from her spot in Mary’s lap. “Why would anything
need to be explained? It’s a secret. Remember?”

“No, I know. I know,” Mary repeats, eyes on the bed. “But I wouldn’t like…keep doing this if
I did have a boyfriend.”

“Okay.”

“Well, you wouldn’t either, would you?”

She sighs irritably. “No. I wouldn’t.”

There’s something in the way Mary’s carrying herself that feels so unlike her. It’s guarded. It
feels like a lifetime ago when Mary was close to letting herself have her. What is this?

Why would she say that now? Why isn’t she enough?

Why does Lily still want to have her?

Mary’s searching her stern expression with doe-like eyes and the urge to kiss the stupid look
off her face bubbles over. Her hand flies up to curl into her hair and pull her back for a
searing and greedy press of lips. Mary makes a noise of surprise and falls back from the
force, but she kisses eagerly anyway.

Yeah, that’s right, she thinks proudly, no boyfriend, just me.

And when she’s had her way with her, the only topic Mary brings up is her name.

Watching her go, Lily lies back with a satisfied smile. That should keep her mind busy for the
next few days.

———

JUNE 10, 1974

In a weird role reversal, Sirius is turned away from him and sleeps soundly while James is
awake with the moon high in the sky. And the thing is, despite the fact that they have class in
the morning, he doesn’t care.

James has no idea why he can’t sleep again, it used to come to him easily. Sirius often makes
jokes about him following the sun’s clock. It’s not entirely wrong.

He glances to his left at Sirius’ sleeping form, and he looks peaceful enough. Usually when
Sirius is having trouble he starts shifting and it signals James awake in some strange way, as
if they were connected. Please don’t have a nightmare, is all he thinks as he inches out of the
bed to pull socks on and the invisibility cloak over his head.

James gives one look back over his shoulder before he exits the room entirely hidden. There’s
no plan, he just wants a minute for…something. For himself. Down in the common room, he
crawls into one of the armchairs and lights the fireplace with a quick charm.

Despite being alone, he keeps the cloak on. James doesn’t understand why he recently has
had this urge to sit alone enveloped in the silky fabric. There’s no one to see him—literally—
and it serves no purpose.

The others don’t know about this, it’s sort of a new development. That is, if months count as
new.

Luckily, no one’s noticed his occasional absences. He still shows up to class and hangs out
with his friends and whatnot, but if he’s not needed he’ll wrap himself up and go somewhere
on his own. The kitchens are a pretty regular visit, the lovely elf Fizzy always enjoys seeing
him. Beyond that, he’ll go to the Hogsmeade tunnels—yes, tunnels. He recently discovered a
new passage next to this statue. But he’ll go anywhere, empty classrooms, stairwells, rooms
in the dungeons, the Astronomy Tower, and a handful of other spots he’s found that are
actually quite nice.
It gives him a different sort of thrill than just the regular rule breaking he does which has
landed him in too many detentions with McGonagall. It’s like his own little secret thing he
can enjoy.

But he’s never gone for more than an hour, because someone would go looking for him then.
So perhaps he’ll sit here and watch the fire crackle until his time is up.

Stupidly, the flames remind him of Lily, but practically everything reminds him of her these
days. The leaves on trees, the flowers growing in the courtyard, potion-making, Snape’s
stupid face. James rolls his eyes just at the thought, he is completely ruining everything.

Because what is James meant to do? Take everything he says lying down? His mum and dad
always taught him to stand up and do what he believes, so when he retaliates, why is he the
bad one? Has he acted out first in the past? Absolutely. James isn’t going to sit here and deny
his habits to get at Snape. But why whenever Snape starts it is he still the issue?!

It’s something he can’t grapple with for Lily because she’s completely blinded by their stupid
friendship. Godric, James bets if Snape were to use some dark magic on him in broad
daylight he’d still get the blame. Lily would stand there—hands on her hips and an eye roll at
the ready—telling him he better leave her sweet innocent friend alone. Right.

Right.

For over a month, he’s been trying very hard to leave it alone. Maybe she could be right and
this whole time James is the only bad person here, but then he’ll see Snape curl his lip at
other muggleborns when she’s not looking. It’s never directed at her, as if she’s some sort of
exception. Maybe that’s why his horrible friends don’t bother her anymore after the incident
in second year. As if he’s made it clear that they can mess with any other muggleborn except
Lily.

And they do! They’re not the only Slytherins who do it, obviously, it’s like some ridiculous
initiation ritual they need to partake in. Snape has never joined in, but the fact that he doesn’t
stop them says enough for James. Perhaps the silence is worse than if he just followed along.

So when he hexes the little twat, it’s not simply because he’s some poor soul James is taking
his frustration out on, it’s because he’s like a dark cloud. Like poison.

How dare he pretend to care for Lily when he so clearly hates everyone else like her? It’s
become a bit of a fixation for James, just watching the way he looks at her compared to
everyone else in the room. She’ll smile back and talk to him and she has no idea. What would
it take for her to understand?

He just wants…well, James wants her attention, of course, but now that he’s been focusing
on her to such a degree, he’s been noticing all of these things. He’s quite pathetic when she
does actually pay him heed, even if it’s just for a split second. But that’s not what he means,
he just wants her to get it. To understand what he’s talking about and stop letting her loyalty
blind her.
The moment he realizes he’s been ranting in his own head he sighs, closing his eyes and
leaning into the side of the armchair.

How long has he been here, then? He looks into the fireplace and sees that the wood inside is
charring up. Every second or so, pieces peel and disintegrate into smoke. James watches.

The term is nearly over, but he feels like he hasn’t really done anything. He and Sirius won
the Quidditch game against Ravenclaw, which was quite fun to rub in Marlene’s face. He’s
helped Remus with his problems from both upfront and afar with Sirius at his side. He’s also
helped Sirius nearly every day since the beginning of the year, and the growth he’s had has
been fantastic. Really, the first few weeks of school, Sirius had woken up in tears. Although
Peter doesn’t come to him for his issues, he likes to believe he’s helped him too, especially by
recently defending him from the likes of Snape.

James thinks he’s had one purpose this year: helping his friends.

That’s not a bad thing at all, he would be one sick individual if he refused to make himself
useful and lend a helping hand. Even at the moment, there’s a tingling feeling in his chest
telling him to go back up in case there is a problem with Sirius. Only, he doesn’t want to right
now, he likes watching this wood burn up and crumble. There’s entertainment in watching
something slowly break down.

…But an hour has passed by now, he’s sure of it. Someone could notice he’s been out. He lets
out a slow breath through his nose, heavily pushing himself to his feet.

The fire isn’t extinguished, the sound of it is calming even while going back upstairs. James
reenters their dormitory and pulls the cloak off, letting the shimmering fabric fall into his
trunk. Glasses and socks off, he climbs back into bed.

Sirius grumbles at the slight disruption. “Where’d you go?” He utters so softly, James almost
didn’t hear him.

Without missing a beat, he says, “Bathroom.”

“Oh, okay. Night…”

And just like that, Sirius is asleep again. James pulls his lips in and sighs quietly, staring up at
the ceiling.

———

JUNE 15, 1974

Finals week draws near, and all Regulus is able to keep his mind focused on is that vision.
That one, very particular dream.

Fingertips bitten by frost. The blackened reflection shimmers with thousands of them all lost
to the same darkness, as will another.

There’s something about it. It could be how it has yet to apply to any Daily Prophet article in
even the slightest way. Perhaps he just needs to be patient and the answer will come, that
seems to be the way this works.

His Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook is splayed out before him, and yet he has barely
read a word since he’s sat down. Finals will hardly be a struggle, he’s far from daft and he
knows what he’s doing. It’s just…he wants to be sure of it. His mind is still in its vulnerable
state, and if he isn’t careful, he could do something moronic like lose time during an exam.

Footsteps echo behind his seat in the library, but he doesn’t turn for it.

Across the table, Pandora pulls out the chair and sits herself down. A textbook of her own is
thumped onto the table as she opens it with heavy angered breaths. Regulus glances up then,
because it is quite distracting.

Her pale brows are screwed together and mouth set into a tight frown. Despite the open
textbook, he can tell by her eyes that she isn’t reading.

“What’s wrong with you?” He questions a touch too accusatory.

Pandora’s sight snaps up to meet his. “What?”

Regulus blinks. “I said. What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean, what’s wrong with me?” She whines.

He thumbs along the edge of his textbook, brow raised in confusion. “Well, you look weird.
If you’re going to go into a panic, either do it somewhere else or calm yourself. I’m busy.”

That does very little for Pandora’s frowning situation. “Why are you so rude to me?”

“It’s not rude, it’s called honesty. I’m allowed to speak my mind, and you’re distracting me.”

She’s silent at that, so Regulus goes back to attempting to study. Only, there are eyes burning
into his skull.

“What?”

Pandora bristles. “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
Regulus sits up straighter, maybe his posture is looking like an invitation to talk about
feelings. He simply shrugs a shoulder with a weight in his chest.

“What does that mean?” She pesters.

He bites his tongue, eyes glued to the table. If he’s truthful, Regulus does not think there’s
something wrong with Pandora. She’s pushy and irritating at times, but everyone is. Even
with her habits to experiment in their Potions class, it does not necessarily mean something is
wrong with her. She is someone to lean on, he supposes. However, trying to get any words
past his throat feels like vomit, so he stays silent.

She crosses her arms watching his downcast eyes. “Going elsewhere again?”

It’s immediate the way he jerks up and glares at her with something like fire in his veins.
“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand,” he mutters.

“I just wanted to know if you were still listening.”

“Well, I’d prefer it if I wasn’t.”

Pandora makes her lips into a line. “I only asked you a question,” she mumbles.

“Why must I respond?” Regulus says. “Can’t you let me study?”

“If you answer my question, I’ll let you study.”

He groans, rubbing his purple-rimmed eyes and silently begging for her to leave him.
Pandora’s insistence and pushy attitude sets him on edge to the point where he feels twitchy.
She knows exactly how to push his buttons, and she will continue to do it just to get a rise out
of him.

But he can’t answer her question because just the thought of speaking his mind in that way
makes his throat close up.

Instead he turns it on her. “Do you think there’s something wrong with you?”

Pandora takes the bait and shrugs. “The girls in my house think so. They don’t like me very
much.”

“Why?”

“Well, everyone knows I’m different, for starters. Even if they don’t know what it is that
makes me different,” she explains. “And they—well, they make fun of me. But only when
we’re out of class so they don’t lose any precious points. They say I don’t deserve to be in
their house because I’m not smart enough.”

Regulus frowns, but not because he’s sad, but instead because that’s the most ridiculous thing
in the world.
 “If they knew what you could do, they’d know your actual intellect. Don’t take advice from
the likes of those people, they don’t have a clue of what they’re talking about,” he states, and
it sounds like reassurance. Quickly, it dawns on him that he just took the bait, not her.

She smiles with a satisfied hum, glancing down to her book. “Thank you,” Pandora says
kindly.

He doesn’t reply, thumb still feeling up and down along the smooth leather backing. It
soothes him in some way. Jagged and rough edges always give him this urge to roll his neck
out and wring his hands of that feeling. The same applies for velvet, he always despised
wearing velvet suits because the material is too hot and gets caught in dry hands.

There was one time, and just this once, where he was in such a suit for a holiday gathering
and it had set him off to the point that he had to excuse himself. Straight to the lavatory he
went where he pulled most of the layers off and hung them up just to lean against the wall
and breathe. Even then, he could feel it.

That’s how Pandora feels. Her presence is like velvet, and though he should enjoy it, there’s
something in his brain that stops him from being able to.

Regulus refuses to linger. Deep down, he knows his brain is the issue because he’s troubled
and fears something is deeply wrong with him. Not simply a surface level problem, but
instead something rooted and interwoven within his soul.

He can feel it, the slipping and the slope into a territory he won’t go to. He refuses to linger
on it.

“Where’ve you gone?”

His eyes shut with a sigh before opening them again, not meeting Pandora’s. She knows too
much, it’s sickening.

“I’m here,” he mumbles, inwardly groaning at how pathetically it came out. “I didn’t go
anywhere,” he says more firmly.

“…Right.”

———

Chapter End Notes

Please bear with Mary pleaseee I’m begging you’ll get context eventually.
I was considering the summary being about how POV is at least a little bit unhinged
today but y’know. Didn’t work out. Anyway, here’s why James has not had a POV for 5
months in the story, he’s been getting busy and you’ve unlocked his new storyline! It’s
fun (for me at least). I’ve wanted this since literally chapter 18. Now, hope you enjoyed!
3rd year is almost up!
 Third Year: Helping Hand
Chapter Summary

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 17, 1974

Peter flinches hard as a book is dropped right in front of his face. He twists around, finding
Sirius and James there, the former with his arms crossed and a frown.

“This is your last chance, Peter, I mean it,” Sirius says. “Look through that book, that’s all
our notes we’ve taken on animagi. We’ve spent months on this, are you still gonna say no?”

Silently, Peter flips the cover open and begins to page through it. It’s filled to the absolute
brim with steps and side effects and safety concerns, it seems so unlike his friends to be this
cautious.

If he’s honest, this whole thing has left him feeling very excluded. Yeah, he’s the one who
refused to partake in it, but he didn’t know it meant that Sirius and James would constantly
be in other places without him. He would sit around for hours, just waiting for one of them to
show up so they can go do something fun together. Preferably James, but even when he
wasn’t with Sirius, Peter hasn’t been able to find him. Probably busy nagging Lily Evans or
something.

It’s not like he’s apprehensive to help Remus, he wouldn’t mind doing it if it wasn’t
incredibly illegal. What happens when something goes wrong and they get caught? Do they
go to Azkaban? Peter doesn’t want to go to jail for something he didn’t even need to do.

But if he says no right now, would James and Sirius hate him? Sirius has already become
quite aloof to his presence over the course of the year, it’s been getting on his nerves. His
friends come as a pair, if Sirius moves away he’s sure James would follow.
So, would Peter really agree to do something illegal just so he isn’t left in the dust?
Absolutely.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” he grumbles.

Sirius drops his arms at his sides, stern expression falling. “Wait, really?”

It’s like neither expected him to really say yes, but just offered out of pity. James breaks out
into a grin.

“There, we go, Pete! We’re starting next term, I hope you’re ready,” he says, pointing a finger
at him.

Peter nods, a plastic smile on his face. “Yeah, definitely ready. I just…needed some thinking
time!”

“I thought I’d have to say a bit more to convince you,” Sirius mutters awkwardly. “Well, this
is good, very good. Three is always better than two.”

“Right, and you’re completely certain this won’t get us killed?”

Sirius and James shoot a glance at one another but don’t say a word. “Yes, definitely.”

Alright, so they’re lying. Peter gets to his feet and places the book back in Sirius’ waiting
hands. He already agreed, there’s not much he can do now.

“Okay! Whatever you say,” he beams, exiting the room before he can feel weird about the
front he just put on. Sirius and James don’t call after him nor follow him, so he continues
down to the common room.

Merlin, he really did just agree to break the law and put his life at risk. Is he out of his mind?

In the large expanse of the common room, everyone’s studying or quietly spending time
together. Remus and Lily are hovering over a book, Alice and Frank aren’t studying but
chatting in murmurs, there are students from other years as well all sitting in their own little
areas. Peter floats around trying to find a spot for himself, but finds that everywhere is full.

Slowly, and quietly, he makes his way to the portrait hole and leaves everyone to their own
devices.

———

JUNE 21, 1974

“Hey, Dorcas?”

She lifts her head to look at Mary, who’s feigning disinterest and instead engrossed in some
textbook.

“Yeah?”

Mary purses her lips and gives her a glance. “How’ve you been?”

Dorcas frowns. “What d’you mean? I’m alright,” she says.

“I feel like you've been quiet recently.”

“…Have I?”

Mary nods, placing a quill in the spine of her book and closing it. She scoots on closer,
making Dorcas a bit wary. Has she been quiet?

Of course her mind has been busy, it’s hard not to be when it’s been reached into so many
times. That day, she made sure he kept putting her back under the curse so she could break
out of it. After the sixth time he took it off on his own, she begged him to just keep her under
it until she broke out and he could have her do whatever silly thing he wanted until she did.

Dorcas still couldn’t do it.

Once a half hour of having no control over what she was doing or saying passed, he took it
off and she collapsed. Her brain throbbed against her skull and the fact that she could not do
it filled her with both embarrassment and shame.

Her mind is weak. Strong as her spells may be, her brain will never be able to catch up and
she’s always going to be average.

He’d tried to console her, but Dorcas picked up all of her things and stormed out in a flurry.

“I don’t mean it in a rude way,” Mary comforts, legs crossed on the rug. “I just…well, I don’t
think these lessons are very good for you.”

Her brows lower. “Good for me?”

“Yeah, he has you in there too often and you’re dealing with the Dark Arts,” she continues.
“We’ve went over in class how it isn’t good for the mind. I know the term is nearly over
and…and maybe I should’ve come and said something earlier, but I don’t think you should
go to your lesson tomorrow.”

“What?” Dorcas shoots. “I have to, I need to—“ I need to prove I’m not weak. “It’s one of the
last ones this year, I need to go.”

“Can you not just tell him no?”

“I can. I don’t want to.”

Mary sighs. “What are you doing that’s so important anyway? You’ve never told us, but
tutoring shouldn’t be this dire to you.”

Dorcas splays her hands out in annoyance and says, “It’s not dire to me, it’s just something I
like being able to do.”

“Sure. But why are you in his office outside of classes and lessons?”

“Because I…” Dorcas isn’t sure how to explain that he’s become like an anchor, someone she
can lean onto when her nerves get the best of her. “Well, I dunno. We’re friendly enough. It
was bound to happen eventually with all the tutoring, so he’ll make me tea and I’ll just talk
about my day. Stuff like that.”

Mary looks apprehensive and sighs quietly. “So…that’s it then?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“So he’s just this professor you’ve got a bond with that you need to see every other day,”
Mary questions, eyebrows raised.

“Well don’t make it sound weird,” she retorts. “Really the closest thing I could compare him
to is like…like a father, I guess. He helps me, y’know. Maybe you just don’t understand
that.”

Saying it aloud makes the pieces fall in place for why she feels the need to do these things for
him. Make him proud, earn his compliments, have his support and attention. Not to mention
how he almost looks like he could be her dad, but maybe that’s because she’s never had a
professor who resembles her at all.

Mary raises her arms in surrender. “Okay, fine! Listen, I’m just trying to see if you’re alright.
You come back from his classroom looking like you’ve seen a ghost—but y’know not the…
the actual ghosts.”

“Mary, I am alright, I promise,” Dorcas says softly. “Thanks for looking out for me, but
really, I’ve got it under control.”

“Okay…” she murmurs, “That’s good. But…you’re still going tomorrow?”

“I am.”

Mary makes a low noise in her throat, nodding slowly. “Alright…don’t push yourself, Dor.”

“…I won’t.”

———
It’s a perfect day outside, warm with a slight breeze and just a whisper of clouds. The grass
below him is all green and flowers have bloomed. His girlfriend is…also here, legs stretched
out over his. For once, she’s not sucking his face off, but maybe that’s because his friends are
present.

They’ve been a thing since February, but Sirius is over it. He hardly knows a thing about her
and vice versa. Her dad’s a muggle that came here from Japan and her mum’s a witch. She
has a great liking for pink lipstick on her plump lips, her hair is waist-length and like silk.
She giggles a lot when Sirius talks, even when it doesn’t mean anything.

She doesn’t ask about his life, not that he’d tell her anyway. One of the easiest ways to scare
a girl off: tell her you get nightmares about your mother. Well, considering she clearly
couldn’t give less of a damn, he doesn’t have to worry about that.

“So, May, how do feel about finals?” James asks, desperate for some kind of small talk
amongst the quiet.

Mayumi shrugs with a smile. “I’ve studied enough, I think I’ll do well.”

Sirius nearly yawns aloud. He just has no idea how to separate himself from her without it
making him look bad. He likes kissing her for the most part, but she bores him out the way
eating dry toast does. Perhaps that’s harsh.

Remus and Peter aren’t sure what to do with themselves in her presence either, opting for
silence. That’s probably what’s compelling him to break it up the most, he hates when Remus
is quiet.

“Okay, any plans for the summer, then?” James continues.

She hums in thought, turning to Sirius. “Well, I was hoping to see you a whole bunch,” she
says sweetly, and Sirius’ stomach drops.

Oh. Right.

“Erm…” Sirius stammers. “I can’t actually.”

“Hm? Why?”

Just the horrible family who don’t let him leave, nothing big. Sirius’ eyes find James, who
quickly moves to make something up for him.

“Actually, Sirius and I are going out of country for the summer,” he lies, and it comes quite
easily to him. Sirius raises a brow at how he hardly broke a sweat.

“What? You never mentioned it before,” Mayumi says, a perplexed look on her face.

Sirius shrugs. “Uh, yeah. To…Ireland. Lots of open fields there. Good for Quidditch.”

She frowns at him. “Aw, well I’ll be sure to send you lots of letters then, that sounds fun!”
His eye twitches. James cuts in again for him, saying, “Probably not a good idea to send an
owl overseas. Y’know, it could get lost or killed by the wind, that happened to my mum
once.”

He actually has no idea if that was a lie or not, but Mayumi makes a noise of sympathy and
scoots closer to him. Sirius stiffens as she wraps her arms around his center.

“There must be some way to talk to you, it’s two whole months! I’ll miss you.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he lets slip, eyes widening. “Um, because I’ll miss you too. A ton.”

“Why’d you say it like that?” She questions.

Sirius blinks. “Like what?”

“Like missing your boyfriend is a bad thing.”

He scoffs, “Oh, come on, I didn’t say that. Don’t make it something it isn’t.”

“Well, now you’re acting all defensive about it!” Mayumi whines, pulling away from him.
Sirius relaxes. “Do you not want me around?”

“I didn’t say that…” he sighs, holding his nose bridge. “Listen, I just can’t talk to you this
summer.”

“Ireland isn’t even that far.”

Damn, Sirius should’ve picked somewhere far, like Greece or something. “Yeah, well, that’s
unfortunate. Still won’t be able to.”

He gives her face a glance, which is filled to the brim with offense and shock.

“Are you breaking up with me?” She freaks.

“What?!” Sirius gapes, opening and closing his mouth a few times. “Who said anything about
that? You’re just making things up. All I said was that I can’t talk to you for a couple months
because I’m gonna be busy—“

“But what kind of boyfriend doesn’t take out the time to talk to his own girlfriend?”

All of his friends are literally right there, is she really going to do this here? Sirius looks at
all three of them, James and Peter look awkward, but Remus almost looks…amused.

“Uhh…”

Mayumi scoffs loudly. “Tell me right now that you’ll at least make an effort.”

Sirius rubs the back of his neck, face burning, but it definitely isn’t from the sun. Why would
she do this in front of them? Doesn’t she care about how this makes him look?

Quietly, he mutters, “I can’t.”

It’s the truth! Sirius isn’t able to talk with her, not because of stupid Ireland, but because he’s
not allowed to send letters or hang out with his friends. Even if he was, he wouldn’t want to
be with her anyway since she’s so clingy, latching onto him like he’s someone special. If he
were able to spend time with his friends he’d go straight to the Potter’s.

Mayumi moves her legs off his and gets to her feet with a huff. “Then I guess we’re done!”

“…Erm, alright.”

She frowns deeply, eyes slightly wet. “You never even liked spending time with me anyway!
Always leaving me alone in places, making excuses…I’ll find a better boyfriend than you,
one who makes me feel happy,” she blubbers, walking off and leaving the four of them in
silence.

Sirius furrows his brows watching her go, shrugging once she’s out of sight. Well, that was
pretty easy. He already feels lighter.

Despite Remus’ former amusement, he looks disappointed in him now. “You didn’t have to
be rude,” he says, but Sirius is just happy he’s talking again.

“Oh, come on, you didn’t seem so offended a second ago.”

Remus bristles, letting out a stiff chuckle. “What are you—? Sirius, she just said you didn’t
even make her happy, are you not upset by that at all?”

He grimaces. “Not really. I’m not going to fight for her heart or whatever, she was clearly
done with it. So was I. Quite mutual,” he dismisses, moving to sit in a more comfortable
position.

James barks a laugh. “That was the least mutual sounding break up I’ve ever seen!”

“Well, you’re the one who came up with the weird trip we’re apparently taking.”

“You said Ireland!”

“It was the first thing that came to mind!” He exclaims.

“Listen—“ Remus interjects. “I’m just saying that you could’ve let her down more easily.
She probably knows you weren’t even interested in her in the first place.”

Sirius’ stomach turns, and he has the urge to say something spiteful and bitter, but he holds it
back. He can’t start an argument with Remus, it’s too close to the end of the year.

“I was,” he says simply. “I just don’t think we’re a good match. There are plenty of other
girls I could date here.”

“Plenty of fish in the sea,” Peter chimes in. “Muggle saying.”

“…Got it. Well, I’m just saying, it’s not like she’s the only girl here.”
“But you’re done for the year, yeah?” Remus asks.

A laugh works out of his chest. “Obviously, I’m not going out with a girl within the next
week!”

“Probably could if you tried hard enough,” James comments, nudging him by the arm.

“Shut it.” Sirius hits him back in retaliation, earning a mischievous snicker.

Funnily enough, he really does feel better now that she’s away from him. He’d assumed his
friends would think less of him if they were to break up, but considering how fast all of that
was and how little they seem to care, his chest isn’t so heavy anymore. What a great waste of
his time, he could’ve just broken up with her months ago in that case.

That night, Sirius paces around their small bathroom with a busy mind. With finals this week,
it means he’s back home for the summer soon. The two weeks he was unbothered during the
holidays don’t translate to two whole months around his family. At least there isn’t a big
event he has to watch out for, Walburga won’t be up in his face telling him to behave in case
he ruins their reputation for good.

He imagines dating people they find less than acceptable is still far from what they’d want
from him. Everyone in his family has been set up with someone for marriage by fifteen or
sixteen-ish, there’s none of what he’s doing. Have Walburga or Orion caught wind of it? The
only way they would is if his brother or any other Slytherins decided to blab about it.

Currently, Regulus seems to be in his own little world, so he doubts he cares about who Sirius
gets his mouth on. He’s constantly in the library with their sort-of-cousin Pandora anyway,
there’s a good chance he doesn’t even know.

There were plenty of times he and James had to steer around his brother and sit far out of
sight to do their own research. He’s been caught up in something this whole year, and
Pandora must be involved. Though it’s not his business, at least Regulus is talking to
someone—someone who isn’t so involved with blood supremacy at that. Sure, she’s a Rosier,
but she’s not like her brother who goes around bothering the other muggleborns.

Perhaps it’s just a false hope for Regulus to be different.

With a sigh, Sirius rinses his face with cold water and heads out, ready to head back to his
own bed. Once at the foot of it, he stops and leans against the wooden post. Shifting his
weight from one foot to the other, a glance is made over his shoulder at the bed across his.

They haven’t had a night talk since they found out they were being stupid and ignoring each
other for no reason. He should say something before finals start, though he doesn’t know
what.

His feet move before his brain gets a chance to think about it, and then he’s pulling Remus’
curtain open. He isn’t noticed right away, halfway through pulling that green jumper off and
over his head with just a tee underneath it. The thinner fabric rides up his spine a bit,
exposing skin and some light scarring. Only once his head pops out and his curls come loose
over his forehead does he notice the sliver of moon coming through.

He jumps, knees curving up into his chest in surprise. “Merlin Sirius, you scared the hell out
of me!” Remus hisses, looking up at him with wide eyes.

Sirius just…stands there for a moment with his mouth failing to form words. “Uh…I was…I
just…” He whispers and points behind him to his own bed. “Wanted to talk.”

“In here?”

His head tilts in confusion on its own. “Yeah?”

Remus looks between his bed and Sirius before scooting back with a quiet, “Okay.”

It’s been a while, that’s for certain, but there’s no need to act like they’ve never done this
before. That thought might apply to both of them since his own body hesitates a moment
before climbing in.

He sits on the far edge from his friend as he places a weak Silencing charm around the bed.
Sirius doesn’t know how he can tell it’s not a strong one, but it feels different from Remus’
usual spell casting.

Well, he’s not going to correct him about it, so he’ll just keep his voice low.

“What did you want to talk about?” Remus asks softly, body kept neatly to himself, legs
crossed, hands latched in his lap, shoulders stiff. The jumper still sits right in front of him,
and his eyes must be giving him away when Remus continues, “I usually wear it to sleep, but
it’s getting too hot.”

Sirius nods, fiddling with his thumbs. “I didn’t really have anything to say,” he admits. “I
um…I dunno. I feel like it’s been a while.”

Remus hums. “It has.”

“Yeah, so I didn’t want to go home without talking to you at least once this week.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he repeats, anxiously pushing the hair off his forehead. “I didn’t like…prepare
anything. You say something.”

Remus chuckles, his entire body slowly untensing. “Uh, well, I do have to go out and buy
another record player for myself once I’m back. Good chance I’ll be the cleaning man of the
house again, too,” he says with an eyebrow raise.

“Oh, just take the record player we have.”

“What?”
Sirius shrugs. “I love having the music, but if I were to bring that thing home, I don’t think
you’ll be seeing me next year.”

“Could always use a Silencing charm,” Remus comments.

“…Fair point,” he says. “But, no, just take it. I don’t mind, I’ll get to use it again in
September.”

“But I gave it to you…”

Sirius smiles, legs unraveling to sit more comfortably. “Mm, might have. We can share
custody then.”

“Custody?” He says a bit too loudly, leaning forward in surprise.

His own smile turns playful as he hunches over to match Remus. “Yeah, what’s the problem,
Moony?”

Remus is silent for a long moment, hands tight in his lap. Quickly, he mumbles, “No, no
problem. Not a—there’s…we can share custody.”

“Brilliant, bring her back to me in pristine condition or else I’ll get the law involved.”

“Shut up.”

He laughs a bit stupidly into his lap, chest tight. “You ought to get that tattooed on your
forehead. Whenever I say something you can just look at me and I’ll know what you mean.”

“No point,” Remus utters. “I’ll just tell you.”

“…I’d like a tattoo.”

Remus raises a brow. “You just think of that now?”

“Yeah, actually. I’d get smoted by my family, but wouldn’t it be nice?”

“Sorry—smoted?”

Sirius shrugs. “Dunno, what’s it—smited…smote… maybe smitten…”

Remus goes quiet, hands moving to press behind him into his pillow, legs stretched out.
“Probably smitten.”

He considers that for a moment before humming in agreement. “Yeah, sounds right. Or
maybe I’m just saying it because you’re usually right.”

“Well, what would you get as a tattoo if you could?”

Sirius leans back onto his elbows and stares upwards in thought. “I’m actually not sure.
Maybe little stars on my arms,” he says, balancing on one side and pushing his sleeve up
high. “Family’s big on stars, but I like them even without all that. I’d probably put them over
here…” He sits back up and moves closer to show Remus the side of his upper arm. “Like
there.”

“Mhm…”

“Yeah, that would be cool,” he mumbles, pulling his sleeve back down. “I’d have to think
about it some more considering I only thought about tattoos just now.”

He finally looks back up to Remus, who’s tilted back and staring into his face with a slight
furrow in his brows. The two of them have somehow made it up to the headboard and he
didn’t even realize. If it weren’t so dark, he’d probably be able to make out the faint freckles
on his face that his eyes just briefly searched for. Slowly and with heavy lungs, he chuckles
stiffly and moves back to the other side.

“Sorry, just stole the whole bed from you,” he says breathlessly, back to his starting point.
“James says I do that, just take it up for myself, it’s a uh—well, it’s…yeah, sorry.”

Remus sits up straighter again. “S’fine,” he mumbles. Clearing his throat, he says, “You were
just showing me something, I don’t care.”

“Yeah, no yeah, I know. You just looked uncomfortable.”

“Did I?”

Not really, Sirius thinks, but it sounds like the most reasonable explanation. Remus is always
hard to pick apart.

“Well, I’d be,” he laughs stiffly, eyes glued to the blankets below him. “Um…anyway, I…
yeah, that’s what I’d do for a tattoo.”

The tattoo conversation feels so far away already, but something in him has the urge to reel it
back. Just to talk and dissipate the awkward tension he’s brought on. He didn’t mean to mess
it up again, Remus looks apprehensive and he wants to hit himself for being so stupid.

He doesn’t even know why he’s freaking out about this, but if he’s done something stupid and
ruined their friendship right before the end of term again, he’ll lose it. Well, he can’t just ask
him not to leave him or if he’s going to start ignoring him again, that’s a terrible look for him.
He—

“Sirius, you look like you’re going to be sick.”

“No, I’m fine.”

Remus blinks, holding him carefully in his gaze. “Are you nervous about going back?”

Maybe he is. Maybe all of this is because he doesn’t want to see them all again.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything.”

“That’s not true,” he comforts.

“Do you hate me?”

As soon as it leaves his mouth, Sirius sighs into a facepalm. Who asks that?

He can’t see how Remus is looking at him, but he quickly says, “No, no of course not. Do
you think I hate you?”

Deep down, everyone must. He’s not exactly likable, always pushing people too far and
getting on their nerves.

“Sirius, I couldn’t hate you. I don’t know why you’d think that, that’s ridiculous.”

“I’m sorry I’ve just made this all weird, I didn’t mean to.” He scrubs his hand down his face,
heart loud in his chest. “Little habit of mine, ruining a conversation.”

Remus pushes himself closer—a little too close for his own comfort—and hesitantly places a
hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t ruin anything, I promise. I’m glad you talked to me like
this, I mean, I…I missed it a bit,” he speaks quietly, like honey in his ears.

Sirius sighs through his nostrils with the hand pressed firmly onto him. He knows it’ll make
this all more strange, but he ducks his head low and leans his forehead into Remus’ shoulder.
He’s just got this presence to be enveloped in, and Sirius is an addict.

He and James have been like this dozens of times, but since that first hug with Remus, he’s
been silently hoping for more of it. He’ll take the first opportunity he can get, even if it’s just
this. It’s not like before, he doesn’t have the thick barrier of his sweater, so most of what
Sirius feels is the sharp jut of a collarbone. Remus’ other hand sits on the bed while Sirius
just leans.

They stay like that for a while, he isn’t sure how long. Hopefully days. At some point, the
pressure on his shoulder changes to a more nervous movement, but all it does is lull him.

“Don’t fall asleep on me, now,” he mumbles, and Sirius bites back a smile, lifting his tired
head off Remus. He didn’t even realize he was dozing off, and his face heats up in
embarrassment.

“Sorry, Moony,” he yawns as the hand slides off his shoulder and drops to the bed. “I’ll leave
you.”

He stands up drowsily, moving the curtains and breaking the charm.

“Goodnight,” Remus whispers, following him with his eyes.

“…Goodnight.”

———
Chapter End Notes

Everyone on board for animagi, Mary being correct, Sirius being an awful boyfriend and
flirty Wolfstar what’s better? By the way I totally made a Good Omens reference by
sort-of-accident, I took the opportunity that was in front of me and if you catch it…cool!

Anyway, next chapter is the last of third year which leads into the slow motion car crash
compilation of the summer! Not sure how else to describe it it’s just sort of. Yeah. Hope
you enjoyed :)
 Third Year: Abdicating
Chapter Summary

Loose ends left untied

Chapter Notes

CW in end note!

Words: 4.3k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JUNE 23, 1974

“So, electives?” James asks vaguely, dangling off the side of his bed, glasses in great danger
of falling off.

They just had the meeting with McGonagall, and though he should’ve thought about it
beforehand…he forgot.

Without missing a beat, Remus says, “Muggle Studies, Arithmancy and Magical Creatures”

James pops up with an excited gasp. “I chose Muggle Studies! Sirius?”

“Erm…” he mumbles, grimacing. “Muggle Studies, Magical Creatures, Ghoul Studies. I

picked what sounded cool, if I’m honest.”

Peter chimes in, “Oh no.”

“What, Pete?” James says.

“Did none of you take Divination again?”

The three of them look at one another and shake their heads slowly. Peter groans, falling back
into the mattress.

“Look, I tried it, not for me,” Sirius shrugs. “What’s your other one, James?”
“…Ancient Runes…”

“Ancient—what? Why?” He giggles. “Since when did you care about runes?”

James ruffles his hair up in embarrassment. “I don’t! I just looked at the list and picked
whatever. I was under a lot of pressure, okay! And you know what, you’re the one taking
Ghoul Studies. I don’t even know what that means.”

“Well, I will eventually,” Sirius says. “I’ll tell you all about it.”

Peter’s still busy groaning in misery at how none of his electives will be shared with James,
meaning all their schedules are going to be jumbled up. See, for third year they made sure to
take the same courses without much thought, but now things are becoming more serious.
Apparently, this is a big deal.

James was not aware of that fact, and he worries he’s messing up. Ancient Runes is good for
two things: translation and bragging that you can. What is he even meant to do with it? He
could’ve chosen something like Arithmancy because it’s all maths and numbers. Perhaps if
he went back to McGonagall now, she’d let him change. Or perhaps not.

Now, it isn’t like he has to worry about money, he’s quite sure he could put off working for a
very long time, but riding off his dad’s business seems so shallow. Of course someone like
Remus must have considered his future, he’ll need the job and he actually thinks before he
acts.

Stupidly, his mind floats to what Lily could be taking, but he doubts they share anything.
She’s probably taking a bunch of genius people classes like Magical Theory. He could do that
if he were more clever. James sighs, there’s a good chance they won’t see each other very
often anymore. He enjoyed arguing with her in Divination back when that was something
they did.

After their little spat, he’s decided to watch from afar for now, at least until she cools off and
they can go back to their regular bickering about nothing at all. Where he’ll trail after her and
she won’t put an immediate stop to it lest he crosses the line. Maybe they could truce again
and she could defend him when it’s needed, not that he wants another Donahue situation. She
was a nightmare, but if that got him and Lily to work together, is it…so bad?

Anyway, their final exams start tomorrow, and no, James has not studied. He isn’t sure if he
needs to, his grades have been stellar no matter what he does. Remus and Peter have been
spending hours helping each other out with revisions, he and Sirius have mostly been stuck in
pointless detentions.

He remembers all the way back in first year when he told McGonagall he had so much time
before he had to care. They’re nearing their fourth year now, which is almost their fifth year,
which is nearly their O.W.L’s. It’s all going so fast, and he feels too old and too young at
once.

These growing concerns aren’t expressed aloud, because that would just get everyone to
bumble about him and how he’s well off no matter what. It’s simply that he doesn’t want to
make a real mistake, it would really upset his parents. They’ve done so much for him, he’d
hate to let them down.

But perhaps it’s just the pre-finals nerves getting to him. James thinks he might go out tonight
to relax.

———

JUNE 24, 1974

Before their Potions final, Regulus made sure to express to Pandora just how important it is
that she does not improvise. Follow the book, and they will end up where they need to be.

She did as he asked for once in her life, and Professor Slughorn gave them an outstanding
grade for their work. Hearing the news, he lets out a slow breath of relief. Throughout the
process he had a nagging feeling something out of his control would tarnish it all.

Time loss, most notably.

To this day he hasn’t a clue what it really is, and despite it occurring only twice, it doesn’t
stop him from being frightened that he’s going to lose himself once more.

While he packs up to head for Transfiguration, Slughorn moves to stand before his desk.
Regulus stops, glancing up slowly.

“Professor, sir?” He addresses, getting back to cleaning up. Pandora has already trailed out
with everyone else, so he and Slughorn are the only two left.

“You did a brilliant job today, my boy,” he starts. “I was wondering if you were taking up my
offer for the Slug Club next term.”

“Ah,” he mumbles, pulling his bag over his shoulder. “Actually, I was. I thought it would be a
good addition to my schedule.”

Slughorn makes a ‘psh’ noise and waves a hand. “Hardly a scheduling addition, it’s a
gathering for young talented people like yourself. It is not officially in the timetable, you
know. Yours is absolutely packed, Mr. Black!”

Regulus pulls his posture tighter. “I am aware, but the purpose was to do as much as I can,”
he says.

It’s true, he’s chosen four electives for next term. Divination for Pandora, Arithmancy,
Ancient Studies, and Ancient Runes. However, for scheduling purposes, he’s been moved up
a year in Runes and Arithmancy since it’s not like they can give him a Time Turner to fit
conflicts. Upon hearing this news, they expected him to be thrilled for the opportunity to take
classes with students beyond his year. Thrilled is far from the word he would use. He plans
for at least one of his brother’s petulant friends to be in the room.

“Yes, well, this is why I have chosen you!”

“I appreciate your kindness, Professor,” Regulus replies formally. “You will surely be seeing
me at the meetings next term.”

Slughorn smiles, patting him on the back—to which he restrains from curling his lip up—and
exclaims, “That is fantastic news, Mr. Black! Now, run along to your next class, I don’t want
to keep you too long.”

Regulus nods, leaving without another word. Once he’s out of the room, he rolls out his
shoulder and wrinkles his nose up at his suck-up attitude.

It reminds him of the way he’s often had to act around his father. He’s rather different from
his mother, who wants to be bowed down to. Orion wants to be followed, which differs from
obeying. He doesn’t have to say a word, just his presence commanding enough to move tides.
There has never been a time where he hasn’t followed his father, although his focus on
preparing Sirius for the future has always outweighed reciprocation for Regulus. Though it
may not look like it considering how he hardly ever expresses his wants, there is nothing
Orion desires more than for Sirius to continue the family line as the heir of the house.
Meanwhile, the heir couldn’t give less of a damn about everything Regulus has ever wanted.

He clenches his jaw as he works up the stairs to Transfiguration. Slowly, he breathes in and
out, reminding himself that his mind is still vulnerable. One thought could stumble into
another and he could bubble up with anger or lose time again. In less than a week, he will be
able to move on from this state. It’s exhausting him, mentally and physically.

The dreams still persist, Regulus still wakes up in utter shock and horror. He’s lucky he can
cast one good silencing charm now, because the number of times he’s had a dream so vivid
he needs to tear the blankets off him and check that he’s still intact is too many to count.
Sometimes he’s dead or fatally injured, other times he’ll just be covered head to toe in
metallic scented blood.

Moreover, the dark news and visions he reads alongside Pandora does not mix well with his
addled brain. He doesn’t know why it makes him conjure up this imagery, it’s pathetic. He
could go over it an infinite amount, he already has, but he is just…unwell.

Unwell may be an understatement. People do not regularly sleep and picture themselves
suffocating. Or their ears going fuzzy.

Regulus is in the lavatory.

He blinks and looks around. It’s empty. The view outside is darkened as if it were nighttime.

A sharp noise leaves his throat and hits the back of his teeth in fear and anger.

How did he let it happen again?

How could he?

Quickly, Regulus exits and moves as fast as he reasonably can to Professor McGonagall’s
office. Without asking permission, he walks right in and takes her off guard.

“Did I take the exam?” He asks, head spinning.

McGonagall is silent for a moment and it’s absolutely killing him. “Yes, Mr. Black. May I ask
why you’ve barged into my office just before curfew?”

He steadies on his feet, unsure how to make an excuse and lie to her face. He only wanted to
know if he took it at the very least, which he did, thankfully. Wracking his brain for anything
to say, eventually he replies,

“By take, I meant that I was unsure if my name was on it. That’s all I needed though, so I will
be on my way, Professor.”

Regulus turns to leave but is stopped by the clearing of her throat. Slowly, he spins back to
meet her eyes.

“Are you in need of Madame Pomfrey?” She asks lightly, flipping through papers while
examining him. “You look quite ill, Mr. Black.”

“…I don’t.”

Before she can get another pitying word in, he forces his way out of the room and swiftly
shuts it.

It isn’t curfew just yet, so he manages to make it down to the dungeons without someone
pestering him. About twenty eyes latch onto him the moment he walks through the entrance.
Regulus doesn’t regard them for even a moment, instead opting to hope that he can force
himself asleep.

“Wow, you look like hell,” Barty Crouch snidely remarks as he slams their dorm room
closed.

Regulus shoots a sharp glare at him. “I don’t need your comments,” he mutters, dropping his
bag into his chest and loosening his tie up.

“Just saying. It’s like you got punched in the eye. Twice.”

Evan snickers and even Carrow cracks a smile.

“I said I don’t need your comments,” he says in a tone just as dark, only quieter. “Mind your
business.”

“How can I? Your life seems quite interesting with all the wandering around you do.”

Regulus pulls his lips in and sets his jaw tight. He moves to sit on the edge of his bed, pulls
his shoes off and tucks the laces into them in silence.

There’s a quick slapping noise from across the room to which Evan says, “Stop it, you’re
gonna make him cry.”

“Well, that’d be a sight to see.”

The curtains around him are thrown closed and he curls up on his side, begging for them to
just leave it for tonight. Most days he could probably handle it, but not now.

Six more days. Just six.

———

JUNE 29, 1974

Exams have finished and Dorcas feels…alright. She knew she’d never excel in most of her
classes like some of the others around her, but average is good enough. The exception is of
course Defense, which she completed first and got high marks for. Oftentimes she still can’t
wrap her head around why her talent only comes in one subsection of magic and not others.

But it’s technically the last day before she really needs to get packing—she’s put it off far too
long—and she was hoping to say goodbye to Lazarus for the summer.

Obviously they can continue the lessons next term, which she’s been wondering what they’ll
even be doing. Dorcas has learned so much this year, and she feels like an entirely different
person than when she came in. How much more could he reshape her in fourth year?

She enters the room without any hesitation and goes up to his office. The door is already
propped open by some books and there’s a faint whistling coming from the inside. Poking her
head through, the shelves are emptied and a few boxes sit around his desk on the floor. His
back is turned to her as he reorganizes.

Dorcas knocks on the open door with a playful smile to grab his attention, to which he
glances over his shoulder.

“Ah, Dorcas! Lovely to see you stop by, it seems I’ve already packed all of my tea making
things, so if you’re here for that, you’ll be greatly disappointed,” he jokes, turning fully and
placing some trinkets in a box on the desk. “How were the rest of your exams?”

She chuckles. “Well, good on ya for getting packed early. And erm…I did alright.”

“Just alright?”

“Yeah. Other than this class, obviously,” Dorcas remarks. She pauses for a moment to watch
him pack some more. “So, I was wondering about next term.”

“Yes, next term, what was it?” He says absentmindedly. It’s that things he does that
completely grinds her gears, as if she’s not worth notice.

“I wanted to know what you had planned for me. I still really want to get the Imperius down
since I made good progress last time, but obviously we can’t do that for a full year or
anything—“

She stops talking suddenly, because Lazarus has stopped his movements to stare down at her
quizzically.

He frowns. “Ah…right. Well, Dorcas, I’m afraid we cannot continue our lessons next term.”

Dorcas’ heart drops, chest becoming hollow as he hits her with that news like it’s nothing.
“What? Why not?”

“Duty calls, I’m afraid,” he says solemnly. “I have important matters to attend to, and I won’t
be coming back for your fourth year.”

“You’re not coming back?!” She shouts. Her head spins. “But—but you didn’t tell me that! I
would’ve worked harder, or gotten the spells down quicker, or—why didn’t you tell me?”

Lazarus sighs, looking down at her pitifully. She doesn’t want his pity, she wants him to stay.
“I’ve only found out quite recently, you see. It’s not like I’ve been doing all of this with you
with that knowledge.”

“But what’s so important that you can just leave me behind? I—I mean you told me I need to
learn how to control myself or I’ll become this hollow shell and I’ve only just started! I
hardly know anything, and I’ve never had a teacher like you before, the next one isn’t going
to do what you’ve done for me!”

She could likely rant on and on, but his expression won’t even twitch. He’s always like this
when she’s mad, he expects it and lets her get it all out first. And he’s calm, too calm.

“I do apologize, but my personal duties are a private matter.”

“I’ve told you everything about me!” She freaks. “You know about—about my family, my
friends, my fears that I hadn’t even come to realize yet, my—everything! You can’t tell me
this one thing? I mean, who are you?”

“You’re not really angry with me, Dorcas,” Lazarus says in a quieter tone. “You’re scared.”
Dorcas groans, pacing frustratedly. “Yes! Yes, of course I’m scared! You tell me all of these
things and now you’re leaving me in the dust with no warning, no nothing! You always do
this to me, I—I don’t understand why you do this…”

Slowly, he steps out from behind the desk and crouches to meet her at eye level. Dorcas’
angered frown persists, eyebrows lowered and giving her a slight headache from the tension.

“You shouldn’t make that face,” he says. “You look like her.”

Immediately, Dorcas squeezes her eyes shut and turns her head from him. “I’m sorry. You
anger me so much, you know.”

“I know.”

She blinks the light back into her eyes and sees he’s standing up at full height with his arms
faintly outstretched, like an invitation. Silently, Dorcas lets herself be pulled in with his arms
around her shoulders.

A hand cups the back of her head and her eyes fall shut once more.

“You will do spectacularly without me, Dorcas. I can assure you that,” he comforts, backing
away and leaving her cold. “I really do wish we could continue, but I’m expected elsewhere.
I want you to understand this.”

Her gaze falls to her feet and she nods. “I do understand that. I just…I’m too emotional, I’m
sorry.” And it will ruin her, he’s made sure to tell her that.

“Maybe. But you’re human.” Lazarus begins packing once more. “Now, go enjoy the last
couple days of your third year, alright?”

“Okay. Yeah, okay.” She looks back up and meets his eyes. “So this is goodbye?”

“…For now, yes.”

Dorcas nods. “Then thank you, Lazarus. You’ve done a lot for me, really.”

He smiles kindly. “You’re quite welcome, Dorcas. I see great things for you in the future, just
keep your head straight, okay?”

She returns his smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes like she wanted it to. Slowly, Dorcas turns
to leave, eyes prickling once he can’t see her anymore.

Fuck, it’s like her world’s been flipped upside down in one conversation. What is she going
to do now? Who is she going to go to for help? What is she even meant to do with her free
time? He wasn’t even going to tell her. He forgot. He forgot to tell her. He forgot about her.

Dorcas blinks away her tears the moment she steps into the corridors. Everyone is behaving
like normal, obviously celebrating that exams are over, but normal.
Her legs move on their own, but there’s no destination for them. She just wanders.
Eventually, she’s made it down to the courtyard where she finds her roommates as well as
Marlene and Cynthia sitting in a circle without her. Some of Potter’s group is not too far off,
and he and Marlene look like they’re in the middle of a lighthearted spat.

“Oh, piss off! I’ll beat your arse next year, I promise you!” Marlene shouts.

“Love to see you try!” She flips him off, causing James to clutch his heart in shock. “You kill
me, McKinnon.”

“It would be my honor,” she replies, flashing a toothy grin.

“Oh, leave it.” Lily laughingly rolls her eyes, but spots Dorcas on her way over. “Hi Dorcas!”

She offers a half-hearted smile and plops down between Alice and Marlene. “Hey.”

“Before Marlene got carried away with Potter, we were talking about a trip for the summer.”

Dorcas furrows her brows. “A trip?”

Marlene nods profusely. “Yes, right! So basically, some of my family back in Ireland—“

“You’re Irish?”

“…Yeah, keep up, last name McKinnon,” she quips, pulling her knees up to her chest. “Don’t
sound it, cause I’ve lived here my whole—but anyway, my family’s got this house in
Kenmare and it is so lovely.”

After a hum, Dorcas says, “Well are six people going to fit there with your family?”

Marlene just laughs. “Oh, no! They’re not going, it’d just be the six of us. Plenty of space to
move, though I think we’d pair up for beds. That is, if you’d wanna do it, obviously.”

She looks around the group, and honestly? Despite the fact that the idea was suddenly
dropped on her in a rough state and how they’re probably too young to spend weeks on their
own, she’s inclined to agree to do it. This year has been tough on her physically and mentally,
and with Lazarus forgetting to tell her he was going to—

Dorcas thinks she deserves a break.

No future to think about, no Boggarts and fears, just her and her friends at the beach in
Ireland.

“I think it sounds really nice, actually,” Dorcas smiles, to which the rest of them cheer loudly.
Clearly they all decided to go before she even got there.

“Good on ya, Dorcas! And you know what?” Marlene exclaims. “I think it counts as a
magical household, so we can go through the Floo, and so long as muggles don’t see, we
should fly right under the Ministry’s radar for underage magic.”
Lily gasps. “Really?!”

“Wow, didn’t know you were so keen on breaking the law.”

“Oh, who cares,” she scoffs. “It only applies to muggleborns anyway, what a load of
phooey.”

The six of them go over it all, exact location, the time, just about every basic trip planning
step all in an hour. They figure the first three weeks of holiday is enough.

Her three roommates being with her for weeks feels familiar, but Dorcas doesn’t know how
Marlene and Cynthia are as housemates. Cynthia is fairly subdued, Marlene is far from it.

But they all get along well, things should go…smoothly enough.

———

JULY 1, 1974

“We’ll hang out this summer, won’t we?” Peter asks, all of his belongings stuffed in two large
duffle bags as they exit the train.

James is ahead of him and he nods aggressively. “Yes! Remus, mind coming along?”

Remus, behind Sirius and Peter, pipes up, “Yeah! Or—no, I don't mind! Just owl me.”

“Will do!”

Sirius doesn’t say a word, he seems quite grumpy that he can’t come along with them. Peter
understands being stuck inside all summer given his history as a ‘homeschool teacher’ for his
sister, but at least Sirius gets to be in a big nice house for it.

James hops off the train first, stopping to squeeze them all in a big hug before running off to
his parents. They’re always here first.

He, Sirius, and Remus wait around for a minute, Peter occasionally going up on his tip toes
for any family member. Eventually, Remus seems to spot his dad and turns to them to say his
goodbyes. Peter gets another swift hug, rushed and urgent to get home already.

When faced with Sirius, Remus’ arms come up only a quarter of the way.

“Um…” He murmurs, hesitantly patting Sirius’ shoulder with thinned lips. “See you in a
couple months?”

Sirius smiles. “Yeah, ‘course. See you, Moony!”

Shy laughter bursts from Remus’ chest, but he quickly swallows it down. “Yes. Bye!”

Peter scrunches his brows up watching Remus go. “Moony?” He questions.

“Oh, just what I call him now,” Sirius shrugs. “I thought, why say go moony, when he could
just be Moony?”

Personally, that seems silly considering Remus’ tendency to hate everything that has to do
with his wolfishness. But based on the way Remus reacted, he doesn’t seem to hate it at all.

“I can’t believe he likes that.”

“I can. It makes him smile, so I keep saying it. It’s quite fun.”

He hums contently and they wait together in silence until the telltale sign of Sirius stiffening
up to join his family comes. No hug for him as he departures, that’s fine. Upon inspection he
notices how Sirius’ younger brother looks a mess, but not at first glance. He’s like Sirius in
that his appearance is always well kept—it must just be a thing for high class people like
him.

Anyway, what he means is the boy is so stiff in his posture it’s like his back is going to give
out, not to mention the fists tightly wound behind him and dark eyebags. If it weren’t for how
the Blacks likely have an abundance of elves to spare, he could be mistaken for a servant.
Maybe that doesn’t scream mess to anyone else, but it does to Peter. He wonders how that
happened.

Suddenly, his leg is being encased by small arms and legs. Peter glances down and finds
Felicity hanging off him with her princess curls and a giggle as he huffs in fake annoyance.
She’s gotten older and a bit taller but is still only seven, which is practically a baby to him
now.

“Lissy, where’s Mum? Or Dad?”

“Dad’s here!” She giggles. “I found you first.”

“Well, lucky you,” he mumbles, looking around for blonde hair and a round belly. The crowd
moves around and they lock eyes at the same time, his dad’s face lighting up in delight.

“Peter, welcome back!” His dad exclaims once in earshot. “Let’s head home, how was it?”

Peter shrugs, he has no idea how to describe this year, there was just so much. There wasn’t
as much fun and shenanigans as he’d have liked, but perhaps they’ll do better next year. With
(hopefully) less focus on research and arguing, they can pull more pranks and get back to
truly enjoying themselves at school.

He also wonders if the bet between James and Sirius is still on and if he’s going to have to
find some girl to kiss or just let them forget about it. Either way, Peter doubts James would
get a kiss from Evans if his life depended on it, so he has all the time in the world. But he
tells his dad bits and a vague overview of the past few months, hoping that’s enough.
 With a barking laugh, his dad jokes, “Wow, sounds like a blast. Let’s go then, Mum will be
home later, there was a Floo backup she had to deal with.”

“So long as she’s home…” Peter mumbles. “Lissy, any magic yet?”

“Nope!”

“…Well, I’m sure it’ll come around soon.”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: dissociation

And that’s the end of third year! If you’re thinking like wow that didn’t wrap a single
storyline up my answer to that is yes! I know. Imagine third and fourth year like a
continuous line where it just gets worse for everybody in varying definitions of the
word. And then fifth year is like it’s own separate awful thing because for some reason
everything canon happens here.

Also a certain line from a character angers me so much like please I cannot stand you.
Anyway. Hope you enjoyed!
 Summer 1974: Autonomy
Chapter Summary

The butterfly was not dead, it was free.

Chapter Notes

CW at end note!

This is one of my favs :)

Words: 4.9k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 3, 1974

Due to the nature of Floo travel, the first place Lily sees of Marlene’s Kenmare house is
inside the fireplace.

She stumbles out with a suitcase in hand onto colorful vinyl flooring. About twenty seconds
ago, Petunia was whining about how unfair it is that Lily gets to go out of the country while
both of her parents tried to calm her down. And there’s nothing Lily can do about it, if her
family were to go on a trip, she’d go, they’re just fairly frugal about spendings. Marlene isn’t
charging them anything and travel is free, was she supposed to turn it down? She’s never
been to Ireland.

Turns out, she is the fifth person to arrive because of all the arguing back home holding her
up. She hears excited chatter from the other room and finally looks around.

The house is massive. Lily’s eyes widen as she does a full turn around of the living room,
lush brightly-colored sofas surround a television with a rather wide screen—much larger than
hers—three wooden doors to other rooms, along with a winding staircase going to the next
floor.

This is a beach house? Marlene’s richer than she thought.

The door to her right opens and out comes a grinning Marlene in quite a boyish outfit,
nothing like she’s ever seen on her. Just an ill-fitting tee with long shorts and white trainers.
It’s quite the contrast to her typical school uniform, but she looks more comfortable this way.

“Lily, hey!” She exclaims, running over and grabbing her suitcase from her hands. “Only one
more to go and then we’re all here, how was the ride? Bumpy?”

Lily shrugs stiffly. “Uh…soot—y.”

“Ah, no worries. We all smell like smoke,” Marlene dismisses. She darts down to snatch
Lily’s hand and drags her to the kitchen which forces a surprised yelp out.

She’s taken to the kitchen, which is also grand and gorgeous. This is ridiculous, what does
her actual house look like, then? In the room stands Mary, Alice, and Cynthia, meaning
Dorcas is the only other one who needs to show up.

Her eyes dart to Mary first, who’s wearing a pretty orange top with flared sleeves and another
one of her jean skirts. Lily would like to thank God (ironically enough) that Mary agreed to
room with her because just looking at her makes her heart swell.

A noise comes from the room they just left and Marlene gasps. “That’ll be Dorcas! One sec!”

The moment the door closes, Lily hisses, “Did you lot know she had this kind of money?”

The only one who doesn’t vehemently shake their head is Cynthia, but she supposes that
makes sense. They do live together at school and closeby outside it.

“Is it a pureblood thing?” Mary asks quietly.

“No, only some,” Cynthia says. “I mean, the Weasley’s aren’t so well off.”

Mary squints. “Are you?”

“…I’m doing well enough…”

So yes. Lily purses her lips, where’s her generational wealth?

No time to be jealous about it all, Marlene’s burst back in the room pulling Dorcas in tow.
“Let’s get summer started, baby!” She cheers. “Now, we’ve got three bedrooms to split up in,
I’m rooming up with Cynth, so that leaves you four to pair up.”

“Mary, d’you wanna room together?” Lily asks despite already knowing her answer.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t mind. Sounds good!”

“Which leaves Dorcas and Alice, ooh lovely, easy, perfect!” Marlene grins. “Okay, all the
beds are upstairs, and then there’s the pool room to the left of the staircase, so I hope you all
brought swimsuits, and then there’s some other rooms you can explore if you want. I don’t
really care what you do!”

They go back to the living room—which seems silly to have left in the first place—go up
spiral stairs, then split off into groups. Even the second floor is lovely, it has light wood
paneling and a pretty beach themed wallpaper lining the sides.

Two of the bedrooms are quickly claimed, leaving the last for her and Mary. They glance at
one another, giggling before rushing into the open doorway with their belongings. The actual
bedroom is cute and not overly large, containing a queen sized bed, a dresser and two bedside
tables with small colorful lamps on them. The floor is carpeted with funky purple swirls.

“Can I say how jealous I am of Marlene?” Mary says tentatively, putting her things down to
lay claim to the right side of the bed like second nature. Lily has to strain her face to not
become smug considering that’s where Mary always is when they’re together.

“Honestly, the fact that I get to live in this for the next three weeks makes me feel very good.”
She drops her suitcase off on the left side and kicks her shoes off before hopping onto the soft
mattress. “Yeah, I like this a lot. No argumentative sisters, no stress, getting a big bed with
you in it…”

“Oh, come on.”

Lily chuckles. “Low hanging fruit?”

Mary wrinkles her nose holding back a smile. “Mm, little bit. Shouldn’t we go back down to
make plans?”

“We just got here! I’m sure Dorcas is going to take forever meticulously putting everything
away, we’ve got plenty of time to relax.”

“…Okayy,” she mumbles, pulling her shoes off and crawling beside Lily. Seeing how easily
she’s giving in today, she feels good enough to immediately wrap her up by the waist and pull
her closer.

Lily smiles softly into the back of her neck. “You look pretty today.”

“You always say that,” Mary says quietly, but comfortably.

“Always mean it, too.”

She can feel Mary’s slight laugh by the way her shoulders shake, and Lily thinks she could do
this for all three weeks.

“You are such an annoying flirt, you know.”

Lily hums. “It’s quite reliable considering you get all silly about it.”

Another quiet chuckle from Mary. “Can’t help myself sometimes,” she mutters.

Mary is her favorite like this. It’s rare Lily is given this kind of affection back, so she’ll
cherish it while it lasts.

Within the months of dealing with cold shoulders, boy-talk, and empty beds in the morning,
there’s an occasional day like this. It’s like Mary forgets about her restraints and usual
inability to reciprocate and lets Lily in for a sweet moment.

Maybe it’s the high from finishing third year or the fact that they have this room all to
themselves, she doesn’t care. Grasping at straws is a regular Tuesday to her. Mary is happily
letting herself be held, Lily isn’t going to dare move until she has to.

———

JULY 5, 1974

Crickets chirp in shrill patterns through the opening in Sirius’ window. It’s far past any time
his family would be awake other than Kreacher—who he doesn’t like considering family
anyway—and Sirius has plans.

In hand are two scrolls, one for James, one for Remus. He’d considered one for Peter, but
wasn’t sure what to say. Even if he did, it means more work for the hypothetical owl he’s
about to go find and that’s hardly necessary.

See, Sirius has been cooped up in here for a total of four days and he’s already had enough of
it. His parents aren’t on his ass for a stupidly big event this time, and Walburga is
uncharacteristically focused on Regulus at the moment, so he’s been doing great. Well, as
great as he can without being able to contact any of his friends or leave. That’s what tonight
is for. So long as Kreacher doesn’t decide to start dusting his room at two in the morning, this
should go smoothly.

Sirius pushes his window open further and looks out at the street below. It’s lit up by street
lamps but no one is around to see him doing this.

Once upon a time he and Regulus used to people watch here, now he’s sitting out on the edge
and looking for a place to set a foot down onto. His bedroom being up on the third floor is a
curse, there’s nowhere to go other than dropping down to the next window below. That’s…
what? A bit over three meters?

The envelopes get placed between his teeth and his hands twist to latch onto the edge. Sirius
isn’t exactly a powerlifter, but he’s gotten strong enough that his body weight won’t drag him
downwards. He almost wants to thank James for all the Quidditch practices he dragged him
to.

Only, glancing down, that is way too far of a drop and small of a ledge to attempt to aim for.
Sirius hums in thought, dangling in the air with paper in his mouth.

He could…maybe try something really stupid. As if jumping out the window wasn’t stupid
enough.
Without much thought, Sirius releases his grip close to the wall and scrapes his way
downwards until the ledge of the second floor window collides into his shoe.

He groans, squeezing his eyes shut and tightly holding the mullion. His shoe made a stupidly
loud noise when he hit the bar too, shit. At least he didn’t kick the window in.

Sirius glances below past his shoulder and rolls his eyes in annoyance. There’s much more of
a platform there, but the fall looks like it’s going to kill his ankles.

Well. Whatever.

He lets go.

It’s not even about the letters anymore, it’s about the principle of proving that he can do this.

Sirius proceeds to crumple onto the balcony that hangs just a bit over the ground, falling to
his hands and knees. Even the letters fall from his mouth like they’re mocking him.

“Son of a…” He grumbles quietly, sitting back and rolling out his ankles and wrists. “If you
sprained anything, I’ll kill you.”

He gets back to his feet and shoves the envelopes back in their rightful place. The last drop is
onto the entrance stairs, which isn’t nearly as far as that one he just did. He takes it with ease
—his ankles nearly buckled again—and walks off like a champion.

Take that, Mother and Father and Regulus. Look at him, he’s out of the house and only
limping a tiny bit, that’s an achievement. When he comes back in later, he’ll just go through
the front door, coming up is far less suspicious than coming down.

With a satisfied hum, Sirius skips along the stony sidewalk. He just needs an owl, any owl
will do.

The street is fairly silent tonight for London, but this is a good thing. Imagine if they saw a
fourteen year old boy jumping out the window? They’d call their muggle Aurors on him or
something. It’s actually really nice wandering around on his own, the air feels less
suffocating than his household’s and he can go wherever he wants. In the morning, they
won’t have a clue, and perhaps that’s the best part about this.

It takes him about twenty minutes of traipsing the streets to find an owl, and it’s a small
tawny like most street owls. Sirius approaches slowly, crouching down to not scare it away.

“Hi,” he whispers once at its side. It coos at him. “I’ve got these letters here and I need you to
bring them to these addresses, you see? Once you do that, do not bring any response letters
straight back to me, bring it here,” Sirius instructs, pointing exactly where the owl is now,
“then tap on my window glass. I’m sure you can do it, you’re probably a smart bird. Does
that sound okay?”

The little owl makes another low noise, which Sirius is just going to hope means yes.
Hesitantly nodding, he pulls twine from his pocket and ties the two letters together with a
tiny bow on top for the bird to carry.
“I’ll give you a treat if you do this right, I promise,” he smiles, rubbing the top of its head
with his thumb. “Alright, go on little guy.”

The bird swiftly flies off and Sirius watches until it’s disappeared into the night. He ought to
get back now.

But for a moment he lets the warm breeze flow through him, sweeping his hair into his face.
It’s going to start grazing his shoulders soon, and no one will take it from him again.

He is fourteen and he is not going to look in the mirror and mistake himself for being
anything less than anymore. Sirius is taller, stronger, and better than the thirteen year old who
flinched at his reflection.

Where these thoughts came from, he hasn’t a clue, but perhaps it’s the sense of freedom his
fingers are ghosting along. Sirius could run right now. He could run and never look back at
his home, leave all his belongings behind and his parents would never know where he went.
All they’d know based on the tapestry is that he is alive.

He can’t do it.

Sirius shuts his eyes, pressing his fingers into his nose bridge with a sigh. Begrudgingly he
thinks, Regulus is still there. Despite the infinitely large wedge shoved between them, there’s
still that stupidly annoying voice of hope that tells him to stay. He can still help him even if
his brother wants nothing to do with him.

Even beyond Regulus, that’s his family he’d be leaving. Once upon a time, Walburga had
birthed and fed him, changed him and taught him how to speak. She’s not kind, but she’s his
mother.

Imagine if Walburga found his room empty in the morning? Would she think good riddance,
or would she shed tears? Would he be scorned the way Andromeda was, never to be spoken
of again? Perhaps Orion would do the honors of burning his face off the tapestry, his mother
in the other room sorting through his belongings. Regulus would sit in silence, of course. He
never speaks his mind when it really matters.

He’s swaying in the wind now, simply imagining what would become of his family if he was
gone. Missing or otherwise. Would they look for him?

Like a magnet, Sirius is slowly pulled back in, his feet dragging on their own. He couldn’t go,
he’d never be able to. Everything is too complicated.

But if he could leave, he’d go to James.

He unlocks the front door with a quick charm, keeping his footsteps silent and pulling his
shoes off to carry them. Quickly, Sirius moves up the spiral stairs, ignoring all of the elf
heads only to come in near contact with one.

Kreacher.

The stupid old elf curls his lip at him, watching him in suspicion.
Sirius straightens himself out, lip curling to mimic him. “I’ve been looking for you,” he
mutters, holding his shoes out. “Polish these, they’re dulling.”

“At such a late hour, Master Sirius?” Kreacher croaks.

“Why are you questioning me?”

Kreacher makes a noise in his throat, snatching the shoes from Sirius and moving past him.
Sirius frowns, spinning around to watch him go.

“Was that snark?” Sirius snaps, crossing his arms. Before Kreacher can answer he continues.
“Return them to me in the morning.”

“Yes, Master Sirius…”

The two get out of each other’s sight and Sirius relaxes. Normally he’d hate to treat an elf
like that, but it’s Kreacher . That walking cloud of misery has made his life difficult enough
and he ruined Regulus. He feels no need to offer kindness.

———

JULY 9, 1974

“Agh, my hair’s in my stupid face again!” Marlene stresses. “It’s too short to put up and too
long to keep out of my eyes, I can’t take this!”

Lily’s mindlessly watching some program on the telly with Alice—who still can’t believe
how it even exists—and overhears Marlene’s breakdown the next room over. She’s been
complaining about her hair for days, and if she were to assume anyone to be a diva, Marlene
was the last person on her list.

She’s still in a long cover up, hair damp with a towel laid under her and Alice so they don’t
ruin the sofas. They could use a drying spell, but there’s a good chance they’re going back in
after this. All of them have spent most of the time in the pool room so far, not counting the
exploring outside. It’s a cute little town, Lily kind of adores it.

Suddenly, Marlene bursts through the doors with scissors in her hands and wild eyes. Lily
jumps up, shouting, “Woah, Marls!”

“Do any of you two know how to cut hair?” She begs. “I can’t do it, but it makes me feel
crazy, all the stupid wet strands sticking to my face.”

Lily and Alice gape at each other in bewilderment.

“Why don’t we schedule a barber?” She suggests.

“No,” Marlene frowns. “I need it off now, and I fear I’ll slice my neck open with how bad I
need it off. Lily, Alice, it’s now or I die.”

“I don’t think it’s that serious,” Alice says.

Marlene grumbles loudly, shaking her head. “Lily, c’mon, you’ve gotten muggle haircuts
before, you’ve probably watched how they do it, just—“ she shoves the scissor handle in her
hands. “—come on!”

Lily fumbles with it, the tool-weapon nearly falling to her feet. “Marlene, I feel like you
should think about this rationally! I mean, you’ve got very nice hair, even if it’s not so pink
anymore—“

“I am thinking rationally! My very smart rational Ravenclaw brain says if I have wet hair
touching me for any longer on this trip I will explode. I want all of it gone!”

“All of it?!”

Marlene pauses. “No, not all of it. Like—like up to here, though, for sure. Like um…y’know
Twiggy?”

“Yeah…” Lily says. “How do you know Twiggy?”

“A magazine or something. Listen, my parents are super cool and are like muggles that can
do magic. Now, Twiggy length, but not so neat. Like if Twiggy got hit by a tornado.”

Her face contorts into a very confused grimace. “I…definitely understand what that means.”

Marlene squints and does finger guns. “I’m gonna pretend like that wasn’t sarcasm,” she says
and hops onto the sofa beside Alice. “Cut away, Evans, I’m waiting!”

This is all going incredibly fast, and Lily hasn’t even fully wrapped her head around this. But
what is she supposed to do, say no?

She hesitantly steps up closer and brushes a hand through Marlene’s wet hair. “Okay, if I
mess it up, you can’t get upset,” she says.

“I could.”

“Would prefer if you didn’t.”

Lily thinks they’ve been on their own without supervision for too long. She takes a clump of
Marlene’s hair between two fingers and does the first snip. Not a complaint comes from
Marlene’s mouth, so she decides that continuing is the best course of action.

The haircut takes probably around twenty minutes until there is a large pile of wet blonde
hair at her feet. It’s mostly just damp by now, and the sea has made it a touch wavier than it
usually is.
Lily takes a step back once she’s finished, unsure if her work is any good. It’s a little longer
than Twiggy, but maybe that qualifies in the tornado aspect of it all.

“Okay…” she hums, pursing her lips and examining Marlene. “I don’t know how to feel.”

Marlene jumps to her feet and dashes to the nearest mirror, gasping once she sees herself.
“Oh, wow!”

“Like…good wow?”

“Yeah!” She exclaims. It’s rough and choppy due to her lack of hair cutting experience, but
apparently Marlene is loving it. She’s tilting her head both ways for all the angles with a
toothy grin. “I look like a rockstar.”

Lily and Alice giggle at her. The hair on the floor is discarded just as the pool door opens and
the other three come back. They’re all wrapped up in towels and laughing about something,
but come to a quick stop at the state of Marlene.

Cynthia’s eyes are wide, but Lily isn’t sure it’s in a good way.

“Marls, what did you do to your hair?” She questions on her way over.

“Oh, Lily cut it for me,” Marlene smiles. “It was bothering me so much, I think I look cool
now, right?”

The girl opens and closes her mouth for a second. “But your hair was so nice the way it was,
I thought you were gonna color it again?”

Marlene’s smile falters. “Uh…well I could. It being short doesn’t mean I can’t make it pink
or…purple or whatever.”

“I know, it’s just…” Cynthia sighs. “I mean you sort of…you just look a bit like…a boy?”

The excitement in her face has drained completely, and it makes something twitch in Lily’s
guts. Why would Cynthia even say that?

“It’s just a haircut,” Marlene mutters. “Someone like…Sirius per say, has longer hair than me
now, does that make him a girl?”

Cynthia shrugs. “No, I’m saying—“

“Okay, so what’s the big deal? It’s just hair.”

There’s a beat where no one in the room speaks up. Lily has never seen the two argue before,
even if it’s over something menial like this.

“Y’know what? Forget I said anything, I need to go change,” Cynthia shies away, walking
past all of them to go upstairs.

Another long silence draws out before Lily says, “It looks good, Marlene. I mean it.”
Dorcas nods. “Yeah, I like it too.”

Mary doesn’t say anything, just flashing Marlene a thin smile as she follows Cynthia upstairs.

Hours afterwards, Mary and Lily keep to their sides of the bed. Something in the way Mary’s
holding herself today just tells her she’d hate for Lily to kiss her.

“She’s not wrong, y’know,” she says out of the blue.

Lily turns, peeking over her shoulder. “Hm?”

“Cynthia.”

That grabs her attention entirely. “What are you talking about? What Cynthia said was rude,
she didn’t need to do that. Marlene really liked it before she said it.”

Mary shrugs. “Yeah, but…why’d you cut it so short? She really does look like a bloke, Lily.”

She sighs, letting her eyes fall shut. “It’s what she asked for, and no, she doesn’t. You’re
being judgy and it’s not nice,” Lily gently scolds.

“I’m looking out for her, really,” Mary comments. “No boy would date her like that, same
way if I cut all my hair off I’d look ridiculous. Who’d want to kiss me then?”

“…I would.”

As soon as Lily says it, she regrets it. Mary tenses up completely and refuses to meet her eye.

“Yeah well, you’re different. Boys don’t seem to be in your line of interest.”

Lily shoots up. “Excuse me?”

Mary mimics her, pushing up to sit. “Just thought…since we’re speaking our mind, might as
well say what I think.” She searches Lily’s wide eyes. “Am I wrong?”

“Yes!” She exclaims. “What makes you think that?”

“You get so angry when I talk about boys, and you can’t deny it, because I know you. I know
what you’re like when you’re upset.”

“Then why do you do it?”

Mary sighs. “Because I actually like them, Lily.”

A bitter laugh makes its way from her throat, she shakes her head in denial. “You have no
idea what you’re talking about because I do like boys, Mary. I’m just…I’m focused on you.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel good?”

“God, I wish it still did,” Lily fumes, a frown settling easily onto her features. “The day we
started all of this, you said people would hate your soul around me. But no one else is here,
Mary, it’s just you and me. So why do you always act like you’re being watched?”

Mary chews on her lip anxiously. Her eyes are shadowed by lowered brows and she looks
just about as durable as glass. Lily’s pushing her, but it’s not like Mary hasn’t done the same
in return.

“I am.”

“Oh, come on,” Lily scoffs. “One hell of a God, He is, for making you feel like this.”

“Lily, I’m not talking about this,” Mary mumbles, quickly pulling herself under the covers.

“…You never are.” She resigns and turns the lights out. The duvet comes over her shoulders
as she lays with her back to Mary.

This is one of the days where Mary is furthest from her. Lily could measure it like a spectrum
by now and be able to tell where she lands just by the set of her shoulders or tone of voice.
Her friend has become both easy to read and impossible to interpret. The words are there, but
trying to understand any of it is like rocket science.

Tomorrow they’re all meant to go to the beach, so hopefully Mary isn’t in such a poor mood.
To think this all started because of a haircut.

Lily thinks it looks lovely on Marlene despite the choppiness. It suits her. So why has
everyone been such a prick about it?

———

JULY 10, 1974

There is no fire in the fireplace, and the sun is just coming up, but James sits on one of the
sofas alone and invisible.

When he was younger, James was playing outside with a toy snitch, but it got caught in a
branch. His mum and dad wanted to get it, but he offered instead because he was so grown
up. Once he flew up on his trainer’s broom, he spotted it right beside a little green pod
dangling from a tree branch. At first he’d assumed it was a leaf, but it wasn’t like the other
leaves in the tree. It was smaller, rounder, and shinier.

His parents found him staring at it in awe behind thick lenses, and Monty told him it was a
cocoon—or chrysalis—for a butterfly resting inside. James had never heard of a butterfly
before, so it didn’t exactly clear up his confusion.
A couple of weeks later, he came back to the tree and found that the leaf had disappeared. Or
rather, it changed. It was no longer a round leaf, but like an invisible coat made to protect the
butterfly. Whatever a butterfly was, was deep orange and yellow wrapped up and guarded
until it was ready to be seen. And it was beautiful nonetheless.

He never got to see it hatch. The next time he returned, the cocoon was torn open and the
butterfly inside was gone. James ran home with tears in his eyes, telling his mum that the
butterfly had died, and someone killed it where it should’ve been safe. Who could do
something like that?

All Euphemia did was chuckle and wipe the tears from his eyes. She said that the butterfly
wasn’t dead, it was free.

Wrapped up in a cocoon of his own, James wonders why he wants this. If a butterfly can
understand that it doesn’t need to hide forever, why doesn’t he? He has nothing to hide from,
no one’s out to get him. He is completely safe in this house and not for a moment in his life
has he doubted that.

No, James doesn’t feel unsafe. But if he steps out, he has to be a human being for a while. At
some point he started feeling like his heart was too big for his body or for anyone else to
handle. Since when was existing a pressure on his shoulders?

“James?”

He freezes, unsure if he should even respond. That would worry her, though, so he slowly
pulls the invisibility cloak down.

“Hi, mum,” he mumbles. “Um…did you know I was here?”

Effie smiles softly, sitting down beside him. “No, but I did see your bed empty at six in the
morning. I know you’re an early dove, but this is pushing it,” she teases. “Have you been
down here long?”

Five hours.

“Nah, I woke up not so long ago but couldn’t get back to bed,” James says easily. “Just
decided to sit and watch the sunrise.”

“Did you now? What’s the cloak for?”

He shrugs, a smile curling his lips up. “It’s fun. Finally inherited it, might as well put it to
good use, yeah?”

“Oh, definitely,” Effie says, running her hand along the fabric. “Well, since we’re both
awake, how would you like to help with breakfast?”

James chuckles, getting to his feet and leaving his safety shield on the sofa. “Are you gonna
let me touch anything, or am I standing and watching?”

She hums, following on after him. “You can crack an egg, no?”
 “That’s debatable.”

“Debatable?” His mum gasps. “You need to get in the kitchen, Jamie, or else you’ll become
like your father. Completely useless in front of a set of ingredients even with magic.”

He giggles and opens the egg carton on the counter. “I’ll tell him you said that.” He grabs
five eggs, balancing them in two hands.

“Good! Maybe then he’ll… five?” Effie falters, narrowing her eyes.

“I’m…Mum, I’m a growing boy, I need protein.”

She tsks at him. “Three eggs for yourself, you’re lucky I love you. You’re right though…
you’ve outgrown me, I’m not used to looking up to see my little boy. Oh, you’ve made me
emotional, look what you did,” she dotes. “You were just so tiny and…oh…”

James stands stiffly in the middle of the kitchen, three eggs in one hand and two in the other.
“…Could I get a bowl?”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: very slight suicidal ideation, relgious guilt, internalized homophobia

Another bear with Mary reminder pleaseee she’s got lots going on. Also Sirius
mimicking Walburga to snap at Kreacher right after sympathizing with her made me feel
a bit crazy. I act like I didn’t write this insanity but anyway. His and James’ povs this
chapter are some of my favorite bits of this whole fic like aw you’re both so mentally
ill…woooow! Hope you enjoyed! <3
 Summer 1974: You Really Got Me
Chapter Summary

The silence gets to Remus.

Chapter Notes

CW at the end note :)

Very important chapter I’m so excited

Words: 5.7k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 10, 1974

Dry earth lays beneath his knees where he sits quietly, cold marble pressing into his cheek.
Lyall’s out at work, and it’s just one of those days.

On a normal day, Remus would be spinning a disc on the record player or watching the telly
with his ankles propped up. Today, however, his body dragged itself up and he couldn’t bring
himself to have fun even with the house to himself.

The silence got to him.

Now, with the sun beating down on his freckling face, he sighs. He either looks pathetic or
like the saddest image you’d see in an advertisement about orphaned kids. Not that he’s
orphaned — though it does feel like it sometimes with Lyall always working.

The cemetery is empty of other living people today, most funerals are for weekends and it’s
some Wednesday in early July. Good. It’s just them two, then. The only two people in the
universe.

“I don’t dream about the hospital so much anymore,” he starts with. It’s the first thing he’s
said since he got here. “I think that’s a good thing.”

The silence is harrowing.

“The dreams were becoming nightmares anyway, not that you’re a nightmare, just that…it
wasn’t you. The voice was all messed up and by the time they became less frequent she was
just a shape. Some weird…form of light.”

Remus sighs, closing his eyes against the cold stone and hot sun. “It was kind of like this.
Too much light behind me and what I’m holding isn’t really you. I mean, you’re below me,
which…um…well. I just got bored of the house. I’ve got my music, I’ve got letters. Sirius
sent me one,” he smiles despite himself. “It had…teeth marks on it, which was sort of
strange, but Sirius works in mysterious ways. Uh…basically he just asked me how I was after
the full moon and that he’s sneaking out to send me the letter.”

“He said I could write him back this time, which surprised me. He’s only sent me one other
letter before, but that one said to not write back. So I told him I’m good—even though I kind
of wasn’t—and that he should be careful,” Remus mumbles, running his thumb along the
marble. “Said some other stuff too, but yeah…Sirius is breaking the rules, what’s new? Also,
hanging out with James and Peter sometime soon, dunno how soon, but there’s a plan. Never
hung out with them outside Hogwarts, I’m quite excited. I wish you could’ve met them.”

This feels like storytelling again, and he can nearly picture it. White lights, vinyl tiles, hands
carding through his curls. It’s stupid to keep hanging onto those thirty days he had, but he
can’t let go just yet.

“I’ll visit some more, but not everyday,” he says. “I’d fall into a habit then, and someone
would have to pull me out of it. I’m not even gonna say a date, it’ll be spontaneous.
Whenever I feel like showing. And…well, you’ll be here. Waiting for me.” Remus swallows,
slowly getting to his feet.

“But I won’t make it a habit. I promise.”

JULY 14, 1974

‘I'd like to be under the sea. In an octopus's garden in the shade. He'd let us in, knows where
we've been. In his octopus's garden in the shade’

Remus whistles along as he sorts through the mail that’s come from both the box and an owl.
There’s the newspaper, a letter for his dad, and four for him. One from James, Peter, Sirius,
and Lily each.

Lily hardly sends mail, so Remus gets that open first, finding a postcard and a picture instead
of a letter. The photo was taken with a muggle camera seeing as it doesn’t budge. It’s of her,
Mary and Marlene…somewhere and very happy. They look beachy—which is the best word
he can use to describe it. Marlene’s sporting a new haircut, which he hums in approval of.

He decides to actually look at the postcard now, which says ‘Greetings From Ireland’, and
Remus nearly gawks. Imagine if James knew Lily was in Ireland after he lied about a trip to
Ireland? He’d say something like oh, it was meant to be!

Remus rolls his eyes with a smile. Flipping the card over, she’s written on it.

Hi, Remus!

I forgot to tell you I was going on a trip, but that’s probably because it was super last minute.
The family would’ve been more upset if not for the fact that it’s almost entirely free (except
for anything I buy. I meant the housing, because Marlene is rich rich.). But anyway, running
out of space, we should meet up after the trip is over! End of July I’m back. Love you lots, see
you!

Merlin, she’s lovely. Remus’ smile lingers as he decides which letter to go through next.
Mindlessly, his hand drifts to the third one because he is easily predictable and sad.

Sorry for the wait, Moony, I couldn’t find an opportunity to sneak out faster!

Remus sits, face already heating up at ‘Moony’ because Sirius is annoying...ish.

Also sorry about the teeth marks, I don’t own a dog, all me. I was climbing out the window
(which I don’t recommend, even though I’ve just done it again) and I needed a place to put
them. Well, anyway, I’m glad the moon wasn’t so bad! How’s our baby?

He pauses. Remus rereads that sentence about ten times with eyes like saucers.

Sorry, that sounds weird. I meant the record player. Make sure to buy lots of new discs so we
can listen next term!!!! I want all the music in the world, remember? (No pressure,
obviously.)

See you soonish!

Sirius :)

Sirius expects him to get new music? Remus wasn’t aware of this. He’s got three albums
total, Ziggy Stardust, Abbey Road, and a recently purchased Hunky Dory just for the sake of
having more Bowie in his life. But Remus doesn’t know Sirius’ taste yet, nor is he
experienced in music like Mary is to evaluate him. He could wait for Lily to come back and
ask her what she thinks, but she’s not exactly close with Sirius either.

Does he play it by ear? Literally?

Next thing Remus knows, he’s falling through the fireplace into that same little town. There’s
no snow or holiday lights strewn along the shops, it’s just hot sun and people in light
clothing. He…is not. His arms and legs are covered by his mum’s jumper and brown trousers
because anything less means exposing more scars then he needs to. He’ll suffer with a little
heat for less embarrassment.

The record shop’s bell jingles as he walks back in. He was just here a few days ago, but
there’s a different worker this time, and it’s Penny. Remus has no idea if she’ll even
recognize him considering it’s been months, but she glances up and smiles. That could just be
a customer service smile though, who knows.

She looks like Sirius even more than the last time he saw her. Her makeup isn’t so heavy and
white, so there’s just some black near her eyes. Remus doesn’t understand why he can only
think about Sirius when he looks at her, but it seems Sirius is just etched into his brain waves
at this point.

He doesn’t think he’s gone a single day without Sirius crossing his mind at least once. It’s
like a disease or something.

It doesn’t feel so strange at the moment since he’s browsing albums and Sirius told him to
buy them. Is he getting paid back for this? Likely not, but he’ll probably end up smiling at the
music, that could make up for the cost in Remus’ mind.

The way this place sorts their music is ridiculous, it’s like a toddler did it with their eyes
closed. Though he’s only heard snippets of some of these artists, the order doesn’t make
sense. After ABBA is Pink Floyd and after that is Cass Ellliot, what do these people have in
common? Remus certainly couldn’t answer that.

“Whatcha looking for?” Someone asks, but it isn’t Penny.

Remus turns his head, finding some bloke. He scans him for a nametag, but he doesn’t have
one. The guy looks a little older than him based on height. He might also be the most regular
looking bloke he’s ever seen, brown hair, brown eyes, tan-ish skin. He’s not exactly anyone
Remus would glance twice at.

“Do you…work here?”

He laughs. “Oh, no. You’re just looking through here like you’re taking a hard maths exam.
Thought I could help out.”

Remus rubs the back of his neck stiffly. “Uh…” He says stupidly. “I’m…I’m good.”

“No really, I know loads of good stuff I could put you on.”

Despite his insistence, it’s a bit lost on Remus. “I’m okay, seriously. I’m a bit busy right
now,” he mutters, looking for something that Sirius might like based on the covers.

“Christ, that’s a way to turn a guy down,” he mumbles.

“I’m sorry?”

“And I’m Oliver, but y’know. Don’t rush to tell me your name or anything,” Oliver—
apparently—replies in a way that makes Remus feel rather cornered.

He makes his lips into a thin line, grabbing the edge of the wooden container before him and
tapping on it with his thumbs. “Okay,” he says. “I’m Remus. Just…looking for something for
my friend.”

Oliver nods firmly, eyeing up the containers. “Alright, I can help with that.”

“But…you said you don’t work here.”

“So?” He shrugs.

Remus continues to tap the wood with his thumbs as a mindless little exercise. He feels like
there’s something strange about all of this, but he can’t place it.

“So, what are they into?” Oliver continues when he doesn’t get a response.

“Well, that’s the thing actually,” Remus chuckles. “I don’t know. He’s only ever listened to
two albums before.”

“…Is your friend from outer space?”

“Kind of.”

It’s not like Remus can admit his own limited experience nor how they are wizards who
didn’t have access to record players and such.

Oliver hums, starting to card through albums himself. “What are the two albums then?”

“Rubber Soul and Ziggy Stardust, but he was gifted the first and the second is mine. Even
then, he didn’t really listen to the second willingly, I just had it on and he was…present,” he
explains, mouth turning into a grimace. “Listen, you don’t have to help me, it’s not like you
know him, I’m also not in a rush. Next time I see him is September, so…”
He chuckles. “I’m not in a rush either, I was gonna step out for a smoke but saw you and the
whole uh…confused face thing you had going on.”

Remus flushes, lips thinning out again in embarrassment. “Good thing I’m so easy to read,”
he mutters, the statement full of sarcasm. “Well, don’t let me stop you, I really don’t need the
help. Thanks though.”

Oliver lingers still, shifting and watching Remus get back to scanning the albums. He can
feel the eyes on him and his jaw tightens.

“You could join me?” He offers with a shrug.

“Huh?” Remus glances back at Oliver with a pack of cigarettes in hand. “Oh, no I don’t
smoke. I’ve got enough problems.” He promptly turns back, but knows he’s still being
watched. Shooting him a side glance, he freezes and waits for…something. He doesn’t know
what the hell this guy wants from him or why he’s so insistent on talking. He seems alright,
Remus is just busy.

“I feel like we aren’t on the same page here,” Oliver says, Remus agrees. “It’s not about the
fags, it’s about conversating…y’know…making a friend…are you also from space?”

Oh. Maybe that’s what he was missing, because he couldn’t tell if Oliver was just overly
friendly to everyone like this or if it was specifically for him. If he wants to be friends then…
he supposes that makes more sense.

He frowns. “No, I just thought—okay, maybe I do need fresh air, I feel stupid.”

Stupid is an understatement. He still doesn’t understand Oliver’s persistent determination to

strike a conversation or the smile as he’s motioned to follow along, even for making friends.
Maybe he’s lonely. Maybe they both are.

He’s led out to a secluded bench not so far from the shop, it’s a bit shadier with a leafy
branch hanging overhead. Remus wrinkles his nose at the smell coming from the cigarette
Oliver’s just lit up and stuck in his teeth.

The two sit in silence for a minute, the July heat not so grating in the shade. Remus doesn’t
talk to many muggles, nor does he have any opportunities to be friends with them, so this is
all out of his comfort zone. It has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with customs
and culture. They could make some vague reference and he won’t understand it. There’s
always a disconnect.

Smoke puffs out beside him along with a slight cough. “So, I’m gonna guess from the jumper
in July, the music taste, and the mysterious bloke from space, that you’re like me.” He says
not like a question, but like a statement. This must be one of those references he was just
thinking about, because Remus has no idea what that means.

Remus sits in silence scuffing his feet on the ground.

“It’s fine if you are, cause like I said. So am I,” Oliver continues, inhaling more smoke.
“I don’t know what you mean, I’m sorry,” Remus mumbles with a stifled laugh.

Narrowed eyes are directed at him with another exhale of white hot clouds. “Really?” He
hums in thought. “Maybe I reckoned you wrongly.”

“But I just don’t understand what you mean by it,” he complains, frown obvious on his face.
“Don’t beat around the bush, I’m not good with that.”

Oliver chuckles in a casual slouch. “Alright. I’m asking if you’re queer, space boy.”

Just like that, Remus’ heart drops to his stomach. He sits up quickly, throat constricting.
“What? No, no of course not. And you based that on…what? Because I’m wearing a
jumper?” Remus protests exasperatedly. “You probably wouldn’t get it, but it’s important to
me. And what’s wrong with my music?”

He’s being carefully watched with a raised brow. There’s a long drag of his cigarette in
silence before he speaks again.

“Right,” Oliver mutters, breathing out smoke. “Fuckin’ hell, there’s nothing wrong with your
music, I enjoy Bowie time to time. I’ll guess you’re not so into talking with me anymore?”

He never really was in the first place, but the way he’s said it makes his stomach churn.
“Well, I don’t care what you do with your life. You’re a total stranger. Not my business.”

“Ah, so it’s a problem for only you?”

“Yeah. Because I’m not that, and it’s presumptuous for you to say I am.”

Oliver scoffs a laugh. “Presumptuous. I’ll pretend I know what that means. You come here
from a fancy Catholic boarding school or something?”

“Not Catholic.”

“I was right on boarding school?”

Remus shrugs. “I guess you could say that. But I’m not paying for it or anything, it’s free.”

“Like a scholarship?” Oliver questions.

“Erm…suppose. Not really, but…I dunno how to explain it.”

“Right,” he says again. “You didn’t mention my mention of mysterious space bloke, by the
way.”

Remus’ eyes darken in confusion. “Why would I?”

“Not going into that, there’s no getting to you, really. I had the same problems as you not so
long ago. I’ll tell ya, easiest way to get a black eye: get pissed and kiss your best friend who’s
super not into that,” he laughs, shaking his head like it’s some sort of funny memory.
“I wasn’t going to do that.”

Oliver nods with a smile. “Good! Cause next thing you know, you’re on a bus with your
things and crashing at a friend’s. Worst idea ever , I mean it.”

“…Excuse me for asking, but how old are you?”

“Fifteen, why—“

“Fifteen?!” Remus exclaims, giving him a once over. He was thoroughly convinced Oliver
was at least two years older than him this entire conversation and now feels quite daft. Not to
mention his smoking doesn’t exactly make him appear any younger. “When did all of that
happen then?”

“Uhh…” He squints in thought. “‘Bout six months?”

“So when you said not so long ago, you really meant that,” Remus sympathizes, trying to
wrap his head around that. “Well um…I’m sorry.”

Oliver shrugs, slouching further into the bench. “Hey, no problem. Just a quick question, did
you think I was older?”

“Might’ve.”

“…Shite, that’s embarrassing,” he mumbles, dragging a hand down his face. “Probably
thought I was some creep, huh?”

“No, I was just confused.” Remus blinks. “Why would I think you’re a creep?”

Oliver sighs loudly. “Right…you really are oblivious. I was hitting on you.”

“Oh…” Remus sputters, shifting uneasily in his seat. “Well, I’m not—“

“Who’s the mystery bloke?”

He flushes at the sudden conversation change, turning away. “Just my friend, Sirius.”

“Didn’t say you weren’t.”

“Huh?” Remus says. “Oh, no, that’s his name.”

“Oh!” Oliver chuckles, rubbing his nose bridge. His own face is red hot just from the mention
of Sirius, he’s really got to fix that. “So…Sirius. You’ve both got odd names. What were you
buying him an album for?”

“He asked me to,” he mutters. “I got him his record player too, but it’s currently residing with
me. His parents don’t like that stuff. He’s called it our baby and says we have joint custody of
her…which is odd, but anyway. I’m just saying he’s really trying to get into it, so I wanted to
get something he’d like.”
Another eyebrow-raised glance is shot at him. “He calls it your baby?”

“I mean, we’re passing it between us currently. Once we’re back at school, it’s his.” Remus
pauses. “Look, it’s not that weird.”

“…Right…” he says for the third time. Suddenly, Oliver stubs out his cigarette butt on the
bench and gets to his feet. “Maybe I shouldn’t interfere with your baby, then. This seems like
a serious arrangement.”

Remus stands and trails after him back to the shop like a dumb puppy. Apparently this is his
thing now. “It’s not an arrangement, more like an agreement. A trade off,” he says. “How
come you’re walking away?”

“Don’t you want to get back to shopping for Sirius?”

He stops in his tracks and Oliver glances over his shoulder. Remus doesn’t have any
problems with what the bloke is, and honestly he’s missed having someone his age to talk to.
All he has is his dad and his mum’s gravestone. Letters are alright, but everyone yearns for
the real thing after a while.

“I dunno,” Remus says, glancing over at the entrance. “I mean…it could wait?”

Oliver gives him a once over with raised brows. “Yeah, but I was going home to my mate’s.”
The two stand in silence for a moment. “Unless…you’d wanna come along?”

———

“Ah, shit,” Sirius mumbles, rushing to hold up the bright red flag peeling off his wall. Wand
between his teeth—because that seems to be where things go now—he tries keeping the thing
up with some tape he stole.

Currently, he’s trying to make his room feel more like he owns it since his dreadful parents
hardly step foot in here anyway. It’s all very confusing, one moment all of their attention is
on him, and the next he doesn’t even exist. He thinks the latter is preferable. Sirius gets to eat
at the dinner table so long as he ignores Regulus’ sharp glares and the political conversation
that’s constantly present. Muggleborns this, Muggleborns that, only they’re using the word
Sirius isn’t using anymore.

He has no idea what Regulus is always so worked up about, life isn’t so bad right now. Last
night he got another letter from James and Remus, and now he’s an interior designer. A poor
one, but…it’s a work in progress.

“Come on…” He says through cedar wood, trying very hard to not use magic for this. Doing
it the muggle way feels more authentic. The taste of wood isn’t very nice, though. He spits
his wand out onto the ground. “Fuck off, I don’t need you. I’m perfectly capable.”
Five more pieces of tape, and Sirius steps back, arms out with a wide grin. “Aha! Yeah, I’m
good.” He bends down to pick up his wand, muttering to it, “See, I didn’t need you.”

He hums a bit, sorting through whatever else he’s been dying to put up. It might be one of the
songs from the album Remus really likes. He’d absolutely kill for the record player here, and
he knows he gave it up for the summer, but Godric. It’s so quiet here. Creaky floorboards and
hushed speech, it’s like the house has a secret it doesn’t want to tell him.

He flips through some stuff he’s gathered, little trinkets, parchment, letters from friends—one
recently from Andromeda. Sirius decided to mail her just for a life update since it’s been a
while, turns out she’s had an entire child and that’s why she’s been too busy to owl. She’s just
a couple months old, and her name is rather unfortunate, Nymphadora. Good for her. Sirius
has always wanted yet another cousin.

“Mmm…da da da…” Sirius hums mindlessly, chuckling as he gets to this magazine just
filled to the brim with girls. He found it next to a rubbish bin a couple streets down, and he
laughed so hard he cried, really it’s just sort of ridiculous. “Bright blue jeans, ba ba ba ba ba,
Lady Stardust— oh, that’s it. And he’s alright…band and the…” He sighs. “I dunno.”

He flips through the magazine full of these girls clad in very little, and he doesn’t understand
who this is for. Or what it’s for. It just looks staged and fake, white grins and lipstick. Eugh,
Sirius has had enough of lipstick forever.

No, he has not been dying to put these up, but the idea of them being on the wall amuses him.
It also feels very adult in a way that is totally cool. If James saw it, he’d laugh about it, which
means it’s cool.

Suddenly, there’s the noise of something unsticking from the wall.

Sirius whips around. “No, no no no, come on!”

The Gryffindor flag ends up in a heap on his floor.

———

The bus ride isn’t long, and Remus isn’t sure if this was a good decision or not. He doesn’t
know this guy beyond a single conversation and he’s just followed him to his house.

Lyall won’t be back home for a few hours, so he still has time before then. To do what?
Remus has no idea, Oliver could be luring him into some death trap right now and he’ll find
himself in newspaper headlines.

Maybe Oliver can tell he’s up in his head, because an elbow softly hits his side and catches
his attention.
“You look ready to bolt, I’m not going to kill you,” he jokes, but Remus thinks telling
someone you don’t plan on murdering them isn’t very reassuring. “And Sam’s a good lad, bit
forward though.”

“Your roommate?”

He laughs briskly. “Roommate. I mean, it’s his flat. Had it a bit over a year, and then I
dropped in like an annoying little brother. I pay for what I eat, which is not a lot.”

Remus could have assumed that based on how he’s all length with no width. James is just a
bit shorter, but he’s clearly never gone hungry a day in his life and gets bulkier every time
Remus sees him. It’s the good parents, it must be.

They get off at their stop near this long row of red brick council houses that make Remus feel
grateful for his tiny secluded home. It’s a couple of stories up, then Oliver unlocks the door
and pushes inside.

The first room is small but cozy, brown walls and carpeting and a little telly—taken apart?
It’s also connected to an even smaller kitchen room.

“Oli!” A voice calls. “I need your help with the telly, it’s done broke again!”

A man enters the room, all blue jeans and a white tee with a toolbox. He looks at the two of
them and sighs. “Not another one, man…”

Oliver quickly stammers out, “No no, he’s not—Sam,” he hisses, getting up in his face, “Not
like that.”

Remus really hates his enhanced hearing, and deeply regrets coming here at all. He should
announce his departure and head back home to forget this even happened. Meanwhile, Sam’s
looking him up and down from afar.

“Really?” He whispers.

“Well, he’s at that stage. Look, we’re just hanging out, so no I’m not fixing the blasted TV.”

Sam hums, a mischievous look in his eyes. “Hey, whatever your name is, know anything
about TVs?”

Remus points to himself in question, but obviously he’s the one being addressed. “Yeah,” he
says. He really doesn’t. Remus knows how to change the channels, if that’s what qualifies as
knowing something about TVs.

“Well, you’re just handing me tools, how about it?”

“What?” Oliver spouts. “You’re not making him fix our telly. Remus, just go to my room, I’ll
do it since Sam’s apparently too dull to know a wrench from a screw.”

“Uh…sure…” he mumbles, moving around the two of them to find a bedroom, but there are
only three rooms in this place. One has an actual bed with a frame, one with an air mattress,
and a bathroom.

“I’m sure you’ll impress him with your pigsty of a room,” Sam says quietly from the other
room. “How old‘s the kid anyway? Looks young as all hell to me, and like he got in a cat
fight. He a stray?”

Oliver grumbles out, “I’m the one with the tools here, watch yourself.”

“Just didn’t think that was your type.”

Remus sighs, entering the worse-looking room and standing around like a moron. He
contemplates jumping out the window just to spare the embarrassment of this bloke thinking
he’s here for something he really isn’t. What did he mean by ‘at that stage’? Remus isn’t at
any stage of anything, he’s just trying to get by. Just because Oliver’s queer and they’ve
spoken, doesn’t mean he is. It’s not some disease.

He doesn’t make himself at home, but he looks around for a while just to get an idea of who
he’s dealing with here. Other than the brown wallpaper and carpeted floor there looks to be
some family photo on his desk along with discarded pieces of paper.

Behind some of the clothes left around on the floor, Remus spots a box full of albums—quite
similar to the one Mary has. He crouches down and thumbs through them to find familiar
names like Jim Croce, who he remembers her bringing up.

“Just a stupid wiring thing again, easy fix,” Oliver says at the door, making Remus jump a
little. “Sorry,” he chuckles. “Maybe I should’ve knocked. Anyway, now he’s out of the way,
right bastard. Do you like any of those? I could spin something.”

Remus just shrugs. “I dunno, I haven’t heard enough to know these people.”

“…You’re so odd. No offense, of course.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Uh…yeah, sure.”

Remus gets to his feet to meet his eye, despite their height difference. “Why do you both
insist on calling me something I’m not? I mean you’ve known me for…what? Two hours?”

Tongue in cheek, he says, “I didn’t know you heard that…but you want me to be honest?”

“Yeah, I did ask, so…”

“Kin recognizes kin,” Oliver states. “You feel a bit weird when your friends talk about girls?”

He furrows his brows, stomach churning. “A little, but that’s because they just don’t shut up
about it lately. That doesn’t mean anything, I can be annoyed when my friend’s attention is
on the latest girl he’s put his mouth on instead of us as a group,” Remus excuses quickly.

“Well, it doesn’t have to mean anything. But it usually does.” He shrugs.

“It doesn’t,” Remus insists, pushing into his space. “Why don’t you mind your own
business?”

“I’m just wondering who the singular ‘he’ is you mentioned, I think that’s worth noting—“

He groans. “It really isn’t, Sirius is the only one of us who’s actually dated. But it doesn’t
matter, because they broke up, we made up, and you don’t know who I am.”

Oliver just chuckles, shaking his head. “Can’t a bloke give another some advice? I certainly
don’t care what you are and it’s not like you need to shout it to the rest of the planet. I dunno
what’s holding you back.”

“What’s holding me back?” He parrots, scrambling for something to say, but all he does is
freeze up.

What is holding him back?

There’s a balloon inflating in his ribcage, he’s being held by the shoulders as he panics, told
it’s okay. He isn’t scared of him, and he doesn’t want Remus to be alone anymore.

They’re side by side in the light breeze, one staring out at the Wolf’s residence, the other at a
sharp profile. He’s pretty in the moonlight like this, hair just reaching below his ears and
blowing through the wind.

Whispering in his ear during class just to poke fun at him, watching Remus go red under his
piercing gaze.

Two drawings stuck to the same bedpost, turning and finding a face too close to his own.

Being pulled from a nightmare, a wound in his chest that goes further than skin deep. Golden
sun, a halo.

The most thoughtful gesture someone has ever done for him. An embrace. Picking apart
every little detail on his face afterwards, the world turned inside out, but he didn’t know
why.

A beautiful whirlwind, hands on her waist, lipstick on his face. Moon-like eyes, beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful in his head. A second embrace, the slight stumble at the force. A third.
Alone and shrouded by the night and curtains, a weight on his shoulder.

Remus blinks, throat so tight it suffocates him. It’s been unnamed for a reason.

“I don’t want it,” he finally answers breathily, stepping back. Oliver just gazes at him in
slight discomfort and pity now.

“Listen…Remus, I didn’t want to freak you out—“

“You don’t get it, I have so little, I don’t get to feel like this.”
Oliver waits for a beat, eyes understanding. “I do get it, I got thrown out for it. People suck,
alright?”

“If I admit it to myself, then it exists,” Remus mumbles, hardly listening to what Oliver has
to say. “I’ve been trying to…to ignore the thoughts, and now you’re putting all of these ideas
in my head.”

“That’s not how it works.”

Tears threaten his eyes, he quickly blinks them away. “No, you keep on insisting these things,
then get surprised when I think about it,” he rants, pacing. “I can’t be what you think I am,
because that ruins everything I have. And I’m telling you, I have so little. No mum, no
chance at a future, the universe already hates me, I don’t need another thing on my back, I
don’t!”

The door opens abruptly to Sam’s exhausted looking face. “Kid, I’m about to get a noise
complaint if you don’t keep your existential crisis down—“

“Oh, fuck you!” Remus shouts, pushing past both of them.

“Remus…” Oliver calls out.

“And fuck you too!”

He pulls the door open and slams it shut, getting back to solid ground as soon as possible.
He’s out of line, he is so out of line, but with tears in his eyes this feels justified. Remus
doesn’t need muggle friends if they’re just going to poke and prod at every fear he’s been
trying to ignore for months.

The sun is low on the horizon, blush and canary blooming from the light, and Remus is lost.
He’ll catch the next bus and head home before his dad knows he was even gone. He will
continue to coexist with him, ignoring the rapid beating of his pulse against his ribcage.

JULY 17, 1974

“Mum, I really wish you could say something to me right now.”

Remus is hunched over in the same spot as last time, eyes squeezed shut. It’s cloudier today,
not much opportunity for the sun to warm him, so the stone just keeps him cold.

“Maybe if you could, you wouldn’t be so happy with what I’ve been thinking about the past
few days,” he mutters. “I’d never know. But you loved me with one condition, one that
 could’ve gotten you killed. I feel…I mean, I don’t know what to feel. I’m not making any
sense, but I don’t want to say it out loud.”

He sniffles, a lump forming in his throat. “Just a couple of days with that empty house to
myself, no TV, no music. I wanted to think. And um…” Remus pulls his lips in, blinking his
eyes open to stare at the engraved lettering.

Hope Anne Lupin. Deceased July 30th, 1973.

“You said something to me once in that hospital bed,” he whispers. “I don’t know how you
meant it, but you said that…he seems important. Sirius. And that…I must like him a lot. I
think…”

Remus’ throat closes entirely, vision blurring. “No, I can’t say it, I’m sorry. I don’t want to. I
—I shouldn’t. It’s terrible, I feel so…so awful about it. I didn’t want it, Mum, I swear it. I
wouldn’t do that on purpose, I didn’t want any of this, the world loves throwing things at me
and it’s not fair, it’s not fair at all, it never is,” he rambles through tears.

“…I wish you could tell me you’d love me even though I’ve done this to him, to myself, but I
really don’t deserve that,” he mumbles. “I’ll keep this only between us until we’re finally side
by side again. It’s what’s best for everyone. And…I’m sorry for making you hear all of this,
but I don’t have anyone else to tell.”

Remus pushes to his feet, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I’ll um…I’ll come back again
before I leave, I promise. I love you.” He bends down, kissing the top of her stone. “I hope
you still can, too.”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW for internalized homophobia and referenced death (if that’s necessary)

I had to cut in with a Sirius intermission before the big moment it felt very necessary.
Also Remus not understanding social cues around strangers is very real. Very me. Not
the point of the chapter, but still. He’ll be okay eventually. I hope you enjoyed this,
we’ve got one more chapter until 4th year starts and it is definitely…:)
 Summer 1974: Fracture
Chapter Summary

Down, up, and down again.

Chapter Notes

CWs at the end!

Words: 5.4k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

JULY 18, 1974

“I feel like I live here now,” Alice remarks, back turned to her as they change for the day.

Dorcas laughs while pulling on a pair of dark jeans. “Yeah, I’ve fully moved in. My clothes
are in all the drawers…memorized the house…and then we go home next week.”

She hums. “Mm, gonna miss this.”

“Well, it’s not like we aren’t gonna hang out more in August.”

“I know…” Alice says, muffled likely by a shirt. “But it’s been cool, I liked the little gift
shop near the beach, my mum’s gonna like the necklace. There was the cute bloke on that
boat too…”

“Practically Frank’s doppelgänger, but I digress,” Dorcas jokes cheekily, turning now that
they’re both dressed. “I can’t believe you’re not dating yet.”

She rolls her eyes fondly. “Well…we were gonna meet up for ice cream at Diagon when we
go shopping in August.”

“Ah! Look at you, second date.”

“It’s not—“ Alice sighs. “Whatever, it’s…something.”

“Something’s always good.”

A knock sounds at the door, grabbing both their attention. It opens before they can respond,
revealing Marlene, a bag, and a hesitant look on her face.

“Hey, um…” She starts, grimacing. “So, I know it’s pretty early, but uh…ugh, this is
probably sort of weird. Would any of you two mind doing a swap for the day? Cynthia and I
are having a little bit of a spat, and I think we just need a night away from each other. If that’s
y’know…alright with you two.”

Dorcas opens her mouth to offer herself up, but Alice beats her to the chase. “Oh, it’s no
problem! I think it’s better if I swap, I’m living out of my bags, Dorcas here has moved in.”

Marlene chuckles. “Well, I did imply you could make yourself at home. Thank you so much
though, Alice, really. It’s probably not permanent, I just need time—“

“I said it’s no problem,” Alice smiles sweetly. “I mean it. Even if it’s permanent, I don’t
mind.” She zips her bag and picks it up. “Miss being your roomie already, Dorcas!”

She laughs quietly, fake pouting. “Aw, leaving so soon? I’ll miss you too, Alice, see you in…
fifteen minutes?”

“TV?”

“TV is good.”

“Alright,” Alice says. “Bye Dorcas, bye Marlene!”

They both goodbye her in unison, and she shuts the door to leave them alone. Immediately,
the environment feels more tense. Dorcas has had her fair share of lovely conversations with
Marlene, but they’re hardly ever alone to talk. Not to mention the sudden room change she
isn’t so sure of her comfortability with.

Alice has spent hundreds of nights in the same room as her, Marlene has spent none.

So she tries conversation instead.

“What’s up with Cynthia then?”

Marlene drops her bag down on her new side of the bed, sighing loudly. “We’re just having
problems, it’s not a big deal.”

“Maybe,” Dorcas says. “But why?”

She gives her an amused look from the other side of the bed. “Nosy today, aren’t you? Well, I
don’t know, to tell you the truth.”

“It’s not the bloody haircut, is it?”

“Who knows.” Marlene scoffs a laugh. “All I know is that she’s standoffish around me and
it’s killing my summer mood. Actually, she said I look like my brother, and I’ll assume she
means the blonder one. But she did say that, and I don’t know what she means by it.”
Dorcas grimaces. “So it is the haircut. See, I don’t understand what the big deal is, I think it’s
cool.”

Marlene smiles softly. “Thanks. Maybe she’s got something against my brother, we did grow
up together—sort of. Brothers are way older, but…same sentiment,” she rambles. “I should
probably talk to her, but she’s like the least confrontational person ever. For someone who’s
been rather rude to me this week, she’s also shy. That’s why I’m camping out.”

“Well, like Alice said, even if your residency is permanent, I don’t mind.”

She moves to sit on the end of the bed, profile to Dorcas. “Yeah, but I don’t want it to be.
This was meant to be fun, and she’s my best friend!” Marlene exasperates, hands running
through her hair. “I mean it definitely has been fun otherwise, I’m not saying that.”

“I know what you mean,” Dorcas comforts, sitting by her side. “I think…wait it out a couple
days then talk to her. You said you grew up together, I doubt she wants to lose you over
something so small either.”

Marlene nods slowly. “Yeah,” she says. “Bet you’re right, you seem pretty good with
people.”

A noise of disbelief comes from her mouth. “No way. Marlene, we need to talk more because
I am…far from it. You on the other hand—“

“What?!” She laughs. “My brain and mouth is a slip and slide, the thought happens and ooh,
I’ve said it. I’ll think ‘I hate the way my hair feels on my forehead’, and I’ll chop it all off!”

“Yeah, people love spontaneity—well, most people do. My problem is thinking too much, no
one likes a meticulous overthinker.”

Marlene playfully nudges her with an elbow, maybe in pity. “No, look at you right now! In
Ireland with a bunch of friends. I dunno Dorcas, I think some people like meticulous
overthinkers,” she assures with a smile.

The sentiment forces a shy smile to her face. She appreciates it, she really does, but the way
that Marlene can talk to anyone is something she’ll never have. The way she introduced
herself back in first year with so much personality, it’s hard to forget a person like that.

She’s open and it’s admirable. Meanwhile, none of Dorcas’ friends know anything that’s
happened to her in the past ten months. It is technically her own fault for agreeing to
everything Lazarus had told her to do, including the secret keeping. Now…it’s just gone on
too long for her to admit anything. What would she say?

‘Hey, I’ve performed an Unforgivable Curse and know way too much about dark magic for a
fourteen year old. Thank our cool professor for that, he’s left me behind and I have no idea
what to do with myself now’.

That will go over well.

“Hey, Alice is probably waiting for you at the TV,” Marlene says to grab her attention.
Dorcas blinks. “Oh, yeah. You should come along, we can watch…I dunno. Something fun,
but I think Alice would watch paint dry on it, she’s totally enamored,” she jokes, pushing to
her feet. “I mean, you are so involved in muggle culture, you don’t even bat an eye at it all.”

Marlene follows suit. “Why would I? I grew up with these things, and other than Cynthia, it
was a pretty muggle-filled town.”

The two of them make their way downstairs, finding the television already on and Alice on
the sofa. She turns at the noise and waves enthusiastically.

The three of them sit down with some BBC show that she spaces out from after a few
minutes. It must be something good because Marlene gets up and goes to the kitchen,
returning with snacks a minute later.

“Not going for popcorn?” She asks around the crinkling of a crisps bag.

Marlene snorts. “Hell no, I’ll blow up the kitchen.”

“Is Lily out?” Alice ponders suddenly, munching down on crisps of her own. Lily has been
handling most of the food since they’ve been here. “Went to her room before I came down to
see if she wanted to join me, but it was just Mary asleep.”

“Bit early for an adventure,” Marlene says.

Dorcas shrugs. “She’s an early bird, I’ve seen her go to a class completely fine after being up
at four. In the morning, mind you.”

“I’d do it if I had to, but someone would have to routinely pour cold water over my head to
keep me up.”

She chuckles quietly. “I understand you completely.”

It’s another twenty minutes of silence with the TV before Alice sighs, “Guys, I think I wanna
go to the pool.”

Marlene and Dorcas’ eyes go wide in shock, turning to one another.

“Alice? Bored of the TV?” Marlene jokes, earning an eye roll from her.

“I’m not bored! The episode just ended!”

“Everything loses its magic eventually,” Dorcas adds, “Well…not magic— okay, whatever.”

Alice smiles at her. “Nice one. I’ve gotta change again, though, ugh.”

“You aren’t wearing it under your clothes?”

Marlene snaps a finger at her. “No, but that is so genius. I’ll be doing that now.”
Dorcas laughs as the two dash back upstairs to change. Shaking her head in amusement, she
opens the pool room door. Inside, clothed in sleeping shorts and a tank top is one Lily Evans
with her feet dipped in the pool. With the door announcing her entrance, her solemn look
molds into surprise as she turns.

“Hey!” Lily smiles weakly. “Didn’t think you’d be up so early.”

Dorcas shrugs, sitting beside her to dip her own feet in. “Not that early anymore, Lils.
Besides, we’ve had some room adjustments. Marlene’s with me now.”

“Oh…” she hesitates, hands coming up to fiddle with her shorts. “It’s Cynthia, isn’t it?”

Dorcas sighs, “Yeah. I dunno what her problem is, I’m just hoping this blows over by the
time we go back. But enough about that, what’re you doing here in your pajamas?”

Lily opens her mouth to speak, but seems to think better of it. There’s a silence for a beat.
“It’s nothing, really. I woke up early, didn’t feel like waiting around for everyone else,” she
says, but Dorcas isn’t sure she believes her.

“Hm. How long you been here then?”

She shrugs. “Couple hours, maybe.” With the look Dorcas gives her at that, she scoffs a
laugh. “I’m not like hiding or anything. I just needed a bit to myself.”

“Oh, I’m not intruding or anything…?”

“No, not at all!”

“Okay good,” she breathes in relief. “Well, actually there’s—“

The door bursts open to Marlene and Alice in swimsuit getup and laughing about something.

“Oh, you found her!” Marlene exclaims.

Alice has this purple suit on and Marlene’s in a blue two-piece that looks more like a tank top
and shorts. That’s something about her that Dorcas has noticed recently. She’s been steering
away from a more traditionally feminine look, which must be why Cynthia has become
standoffish. Why she’s threatened by clothes and hair, Dorcas can’t wrap her head around.
But either way, it’s something new about Marlene, and it’s been interesting to watch her
change these past few weeks.

“Yep, she found me,” Lily laughs half heartedly, smile not quite reaching her eyes.

Marlene’s hands land on her hips. “What are you doing in your sleepwear, now? C’mon Lils,
big day today!”

“What’s today?”

“Day fifteen of our holiday, obviously ,” she chuckles. “We were gonna hang in the pool ‘til
the others wake up then head to the beach. How’s that?”
Lily shrugs. “Sounds alright. I’ll um…I’ll get dressed then.”

The three of them watch her go, and once the door closes, Alice says, “That was weird, right?
Dorcas, is she okay?”

Dorcas makes a conflicted sort of face. “I’m not sure, she said she’d been here for two hours
and wanted some time to herself. You don’t think we’ve been overbearing?”

“Nah,” Marlene dismisses. “Maybe she’s homesick? No that’s stupid, she’s away from home
all the time. Okay, I dunno, I give up. Cannonball!”

In typical Marlene fashion, she moves on. She makes a big splash, getting water on Dorcas’
clothes. Laughing, Dorcas pulls them off and joins her and Alice in the pool for the next hour.

Lily doesn’t return.

JULY 20, 1974

It was a long couple days of exploring along the coast and Dorcas has a folder’s worth of
photos now. Most of them consist of the sights and views, but there are plenty of her friends
too. Lily ended up in a better mood after they got out of the house, which may be the solution
to all of their troubles at this point. Sunshine and sand is one hell of a medication.

She’s on her side now and she should be asleep, only there’s a mildly disruptive force beside
her. It would probably be rude to call it out, but Marlene moves a lot . She gets up, leaves the
room, comes back, shuffles around, and even then it doesn’t end. With Alice, she’d only get
up for the bathroom and that is it.

Suddenly, the movement halts, but it’s somehow obvious that she isn’t lying down and
sleeping. Trying not to be noticed, Dorcas peeks over her shoulder and finds Marlene frozen
and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“…Marls?” She croaks, turning over. “You okay?”

Marlene looks back, eyes wide. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?” Technically, no, considering
she never got rest in the first place. But Dorcas just hesitantly shakes her head. “Okay, I
just…I’m thinking.”

“About?” Dorcas doesn’t know if she’s being overbearing again, but Marlene doesn’t seem to
mind that much.

“Me,” she chuckles stiffly. “You ever feel different, Dorcas?”

“Yes,” Dorcas replies like instinct. There hasn’t been a moment this past year where she
hasn’t felt different.

Marlene hums. “Cynthia and I talked.”

She sits up quickly. “Really? What’d she say?”

There’s a loud sigh before Marlene turns on the bed to face her. “Well, first I asked her why
she’s been treating me differently. Because Cynthia has always been so sweet, and I care
about her feelings and want to know if I’ve done something.” She pauses, breathing deep.
“And she…basically says that the problem isn’t just that I ‘look like a boy’. The problem is
apparently that I look like a…lesbian.”

Dorcas stiffens, brain searching for something to respond with. Does she console her? Say
she’s sorry? Deny the accusation Cynthia has placed on her? Suddenly she’s in a sticky
situation, she doesn’t think about these things or what they mean to her.

“Oh,” is all she says.

Marlene blinks her gaze to the blanket and becomes just as tense. “Awkward, right?” She
laughs quietly. “I just…I didn’t know what to say to that. I mean, I’ve only ever been on one
failed date and it failed because of me.”

“What, you think she’s right?”

“No,” she blurts, then sighs. “I don’t know. I’m big into being honest and all that, so if I
knew, I wouldn’t want to pretend I’m not… that. Like, I wanted to play Quidditch, so I tried
out even though it’s mostly blokes on there. I cut my hair because I wanted to, not because
I…y’know. They just don’t feel like they align.”

Dorcas nods, still trying to muster up some kind of words to comfort her. “Uh, well, I don’t
think you look like a lesbian.”

She should get an award for the absolute worst friend on the planet.

Marlene snorts at it too, which makes her feel even worse. “Ooh, lovely. Truthfully, that
doesn’t even worry me. My parents don’t care about that, all they expect is a good report card
from me. I’d just prefer it if my friends wouldn’t assume shit about me and then hate me for
it.”

“Does…Cynthia hate you?”

“Probably not,” she says. “I’m sure she’ll get over herself, but I’m definitely not happy with
her right now.”

There’s a silence for a minute, and it actually gets Dorcas shifting where she sits. That is,
until Marlene begins to ramble.

“It’s so stupid, how would she know if I’m a lesbian or not? How would I even know?
Shouldn’t I date a bloke to find out? Oh, I sort of did. But that doesn’t count, that was Sirius,
and we just didn’t click. Alice is dating Frank, isn’t she? Couldn’t I ask her?”

“Uhh…” Dorcas falters. “They pretty much are, but if you ask her she’ll say they aren’t.
She’s in denial.”

“Hm. You know, despite the tension in your entire body, you seem surprisingly comfortable
with everything I’ve just said.”

She shrugs limply. “I have no reason to be uncomfortable. I just…didn’t know what to say a
minute ago.”

“Hm,” Marlene hums, giving her a small smile. “Alright, well, if I ever feel the need to talk
again, I’d probably choose you.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Yeah, ‘till I rant them off.”

Dorcas curls into herself with quiet laughter, watching Marlene’s face mold into one of
amusement. “I’d like to see you try. You ever catch Lily angry?”

“Oh, yeah.”

———

JULY 20, 1974

Scarfing down breakfast, James feels like a big ball of energy ready to do something stupid.
The sky is clear, the sun is hot, and two of his best friends are going to be over today. It’s a
damn shame Sirius can’t sneak out to the manor and just…stay a few hours. He says his
house elf, Kreacher, keeps finding him and he’s running out of excuses.

But no matter, so long as Sirius is safe and content then James will be happy. Nothing in the
letters has seemed concerning or even like he’s hiding something of the sort. Remus and
Peter are great to hang out with too, not to mention that Remus is meeting his parents for the
first time. He’s sure they’ll love him, Remus is hard to hate. Even during their bump in the
road, James was always holding onto hope that he’d come back around. And he did.

“When are they coming by, then?” Effie asks, wordlessly charming the dirty dishes to clean
themselves.

James scrapes his plate clean of leftover syrup, savoring the sweet maple mannerlessly. “I
said show up whenever you like. So…could be anytime, really.”
“James…” His dad exhausts. “That’s a terrible way to make plans.”

“I assumed they got that I meant around ten, was that a bad idea?”

His parents glance at one another and laugh in amusement like they’re in on a secret. James
rolls his eyes at them.

“Well, whatever, I’m sure it’s fine,” he says. “They know how to use the Floo.”

James ends up hanging around his living room for two whole hours, moving between pacing,
sitting, and dangling off furniture. His mum and dad pass by asking if he’s alright, and yes,
he’s very alright. Currently, he can feel his blood rushing to his brain as he hangs off the sofa.
His glasses stay on his head with the power of Merlin or…something.

He does some jumping jacks, sit-ups, leg raises simply because he likes the feeling, and a
plethora of other little workouts just to pass the time. Perhaps this should exhaust him, but
he’s so bored it’s like his brain doesn’t register the fact that he’s exercising.

It ends up being half past eleven when the fireplace starts whirring up. James is laying like a
starfish on the dark wood paneling when he hears it. He shoots up in excitement at the green
flames, stumbling back into the coffee table at the speed that he does so.

Out pops one of the familiar faces he’s been waiting for, tanner and with more freckles than
when he saw him last.

“Remus!” James cheers, wrapping him up in a hug before he’s taken a single step into the
house.

“Oh—! Hey, James,” Remus strains through the grip he has on him. James pulls back and
actually lets him enter. “Your letter was really vague, so I didn’t know when to get here,
sorry. Is Peter here yet?”

“Nope! Just you,” he says, turning to call out, “Mum, Dad! Remus is here!”

His face immediately goes red. “Oh, you don’t have to—“

“Introduce you?” James finishes. “Course I do, it’s Potter courtesy and whatever.”

Remus hums quietly, tapping his thumbs together and letting his eyes wander the room,
practically drinking it in. Peter did a similar thing the first time he came around. Oddly, this
makes James sheepish. He knows he has a pretty nice house, but he’s so used to seeing it that
it just doesn’t feel like a big deal.

“Ah, Remus, pleasure to meet you!” Monty says, entering the room with Effie close in tow.
He reaches out and shakes his hand. “Call me Monty, and this is Effie, my wife.”

“Yeah, I assumed she was,” Remus replies. “I mean—well, you have a very nice house.
Thanks for letting me come over.”
His dad waves him off. “Thank you, and you’re welcome, but there’s no need for formalities!
Really, make yourself comfortable until Peter comes over and then you three can do whatever
you like.”

“Safely,” his mum adds.

“Safely, yes.”

James nods and grabs Remus by the wrist, a bit eager to show him around. “Alright, c’mon,
we’re going to my room!”

“Before Peter gets here?” He asks.

James sighs. “If I have to wait around the fireplace any more I’ll start learning how to do a
backflip and someone will have to fix my broken neck. We’re going upstairs.”

Remus chuckles, letting himself be pulled up the marble stairs to his bedroom. His room is
quite the mess, but James isn’t sure it ever qualifies as ‘clean’ either. Hurriedly, he sweeps
some laundry under his bed and kicks a few more as he gets further in for good measure.

But Remus isn’t even paying attention to his dirty laundry, instead looking at all the stuff
stuck to his patterned wallpaper. Pictures of him and his parents on trips, some that he took
from Quidditch games, or of him younger on his training broom. There are all those posters
his mum and dad got him for Christmas a couple years ago too, scattered around and poorly
mounted by him.

“You really did start flying young,” Remus idly comments at a picture of him on stubby legs
clutching at a tiny broom.

“What, you thought I was kidding?” James laughs. He darts around the room and points to
the assortment of things on the wall. “The Chudley Cannons posters are my favorites here,
and their games are where all of these photos my parents took are from. This here,” he points,
“Is Theodore Fog.”

Remus hums, watching the man twirl his broom around his hand and point at him with a
charming smile over and over. “Yeah, you’ve mentioned him.”

“Mm, I oughta meet him one day, I might be his biggest fan. He’s fit, too.”

“…Sorry?”

“Hm?”

Remus blinks. “You said something.”

“Yeah,” James nods. “I’m his biggest fan, I ought to meet him. Now, blimey, is Peter really
not here yet?”

“But you—“ He cuts himself off to shake his head. “Never mind. This bedroom is massive,
by the way, what do you even need this space for?”
James frowns, shrugging. “Dirty laundry?”

He chuckles, about to respond when the door creaks open. James whirls around, finding
Peter’s timid and slightly sunburnt face.

“Oh, Pete!” He exclaims. “I didn’t hear you come in, you haven’t been here long, have you?”

The boy shrugs, body relaxing slightly. “No, just came in, really. Hi Remus! You uh… you
haven’t been here long, right?”

“Nah,” he says.

Peter lets out a sigh of relief. “Oh, that’s good. Brilliant! So, where are we going then?”

———

JULY 24, 1974

Drizzling rain patters against the window Sirius prepares himself to jump out of. It’s become
like a routine now. Escape, send the letters, wait a couple of days, escape, grab the responses,
repeat. His perfect little tawny owl has become a bit like his own pet, he even named her.

Well, James’ mother named her because Sirius asked James who asked Mrs. Potter. She said
Cielo, because she’s his only access to freedom. The sky.

He has a letter for all three of his friends today, they all sent him one detailing the super great
time they had together. Without him.

And that’s fine, he can take that, it’s not like he had any way of showing up. Perhaps he could
have snuck out, but that would have been during the day, and his parents would have found
out. Too risky.

Carefully, he slides the letters into a small bag—because he’s not leaving teeth marks on
them again—and throws it over his shoulder. The house is eerily silent as it always is after
midnight.

Sirius slides his window open once more and sticks his hand out. The rain is coming down
pretty hard, but it could be worse. The letters will definitely get a little wet.

There’s some charm for that, isn’t there? He wracks his brain for it, because even though it’s
not something they’ve learnt yet, he’s come across it in books before. Only…he wasn’t
paying any attention to that, his focus was on anything he could do to help Remus out.

“Oh, forget it,” he mumbles. They can handle some water.

Sirius ducks his head through the window opening and sits on the ledge for a moment,
kicking his legs. It’s a rather small area to sit on, so he won’t waste time. It is a nice view,
though. Wet streets reflecting the tall golden lights and the moon.

He turns to grasp the ledge, but finding a good grip is rather difficult when the wood has been
soaked. He hums, trying to get the best handle before he’s able to lower himself down.

It takes a second and involves more elbow than usual when Sirius feels comfortable enough.
Breathing steadily, he extends his arms, which used to strain them a lot more than it does
now. Maybe when he gets back to school he’ll be super jacked and unable to explain why.

Now he has to let go.

Sirius swallows, peeking down over his shoulder. The first drop always gets him, it’s far, and
always difficult to get a handle on.

But the more he thinks about it, the more his hands begin to loosen.

Sirius lets go.

He drops down, stomach turning.

He reaches out and grabs the ledge by his fingertips.

He slips.

He falls.

Falling, really falling, is an odd sensation. It feels like it’ll never end, like it is the end.

His left leg extends before he hits the ground, it’s just human instinct to try and land on your
feet, isn’t it? A crunch spasms up through his entire body but Sirius keeps falling until he’s
landed flat on his chest, rain falling over his still body.

It takes a moment to process what has just happened to him, and his brain simultaneously
runs on overdrive and like it’s entirely empty.

And then he feels it, that sharp burning pain making his head start to fill with cotton. It’s
dizzying, and it’s bad, he knows it’s bad.

Sirius pulls his lips in and bites down hard to stop himself from shouting in agony. Instead, it
comes out muffled in his throat. He rolls to his side and curls up to hold his leg that’s
currently numb and tingling yet sending so much pain up his body he’s shaking with it.

He can feel the bone, he can feel it pressing into his skin. His hands don’t come away
darkened, so it didn’t break the surface, but fuck, it hurts so much tears fill and blur his
vision. It’s not like the punishment curse that shocks his body and sets it on fire, it’s another
feeling entirely.
“Fuck, fuck, no no no,” he cries, bag pressed under him on the wet stone, and he’s beginning
to bathe under the clouds himself. Just hold it together, he still needs to deliver the letters, he
has to go and—

Another shock of pain burns his leg, making him feverish and lightheaded. Sirius shakily
clutches below his knee, pressing ever so slightly and gasping at just how much it hurts. But
his parents can’t find him like this, they can’t, they’ll kill him, he snuck out and he wasn’t
meant to, they will kill him .

“Master Sirius, you’ve broken your leg.”

Somehow, in the midst of his mush-filled brain, he didn’t hear the door open.

Sirius sits up quickly in fear, the pressure making him so nauseous he squeezes his eyes shut
and hopes the earth swallows him whole.

Kreacher, Kreacher, of course it’s Kreacher.

He tries to push some words from his throat, but they get caught on a sob. “No, no, didn’t—
mmph ,” he groans, biting down on his quivering lip. “It’s—it’s fine. Go…go inside, please,
please go inside.”

“Kreacher must tell the Mistress—“

“No!” He panics, louder than he should be. “Please, please Kreacher, I’m fine. I’m okay, I—I
tripped, I’m just—“ Whatever excuse he’s trying to throw up is cut off by another cry of pain.

He can’t even see the elf, he’s far too busy trying to pretend the tears streaming down his face
are from the sky. Maybe there’s a look of pity on his old face, or maybe one of vindication
that he’s finally caught him. He can finally rat him out to Walburga and Orion and he’ll get a
punishment worse than his leg.

“Master Sirius cannot stay out here all night long,” Kreacher says. “You must come inside,
the Mistress would not be pleased.”

“I—I…I can’t,” Sirius huffs. “I can’t move.”

“Then Kreacher will retrieve the Master and Mistress.”

“No! No, no, please!” Sirius freaks, but Kreacher is already back inside and it’s doing very
little for his ability to breathe. Quickly, he digs into his bag for his wand and sets every letter
alight. There’s a good chance his friends won’t be getting a response from him for the rest of
the summer.

He wipes his eyes dry despite how much he wants to keep crying, he can’t do that now. Not
that it matters, the rain keeps coating his face with more water.

Before he can put himself together, both Walburga and Orion are standing in the entryway
looking down at him, soaked and shaking. They don’t ask if he’s okay. His father picks him
up, but he’s obviously not delighted to be doing so. His hold is not careful, and Sirius
continues to bite down on his lip to stop himself from crying in Orion’s arms.

They don’t speak for a long time. He’s dried with a charm before being placed down on a
plush sofa. The dizziness is starting to come back through his heaving breaths. When his left
shoe is pulled off and pant leg shoved up, he flinches with a shriek. They’re not careful,
they’re not gentle.

“I’ll request a healer in the morning,” is the first thing Walburga, or anyone, has said this
entire time. He feels sick and the ceiling circles his vision like a kaleidoscope.

“What were you attempting to do?” Orion grumbles suspiciously. “Trying to run away from
home?”

Sirius shakes his head, sweat beading at his temples. “No—no I wasn’t.”

“What, then?” Walburga continues. “You were late night window jumping? What is it,
Sirius?”

His head falls to the side, catching a visual of the other end of the room. There are two pale
hands at the side of the archway and a pair of eyes hidden by the shadows. Sirius has seen
him since he’s been back, but they don’t speak. The last time they spoke, that would be
December.

Seven months ago.

He tears his eyes away from the outline of his little brother back to his mother awaiting a
response.

“I don’t know,” he whispers.

“You don’t know?” Orion fumes. “You’ve snapped your leg in half, but you ‘don’t know’
how? Sirius, you do not lie to us.”

It’s too much, his brain is kicking and screaming at him to do something about the jagged
break in his bone. It’s screaming for him to run and hide too, but he can’t. Really, if the two
of them wanted, they could make him heal the muggle way to keep him from running again.

That thought has his lungs catching and breath stuttering hard enough that the tears sting his
eyes again. Hastily, he reaches up to wipe them away.

“Look at him, Walburga, this is our heir?” He hisses, deliberately loud enough that Sirius can
hear it. “This is just disgraceful.”

He covers his eyes and presses hard. It’s like some sick nightmare. He’s humiliated and
unable to move, he just has to sit here and cry as they look down at him with disdain and
disgust.

They’re still talking and it’s too much, it’s all too much.
 He can’t even hear it, he’s falling, but in a different way. His consciousness flutters away
from him both like being knocked out and like a quiet stream flowing from his overloaded
mind.

Everything is black.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW: mildly graphic descriptions, familial abuse, panic attacks

Lovely content warnings…it’s not that bad I think.

 Fourth Year: To Be Seen
Chapter Summary

A collective want to be fixed.

Chapter Notes

CWs in end note!

Words: 4.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 1, 1974

What a gift the name Mary should have been.

Growing up, she wasn’t the only little girl named Mary in a church. When she’d tell the older
ladies, she would always wonder if among the coos and doting they thought, ‘another one?’.

Her parents told her it was a blessing and that her name represented love itself. Love,
devotion, soul, motherhood. It placed a sense of pride on Mary’s shoulders and she aimed to
live up to these standards even as a little girl. They’re good people, they went to services,
Mass, holiday events. By the time Mary was nine, she was fully ingrained into the schedule
and cycle of Catholicism.

Many of her early teachings were about her role in the world, her place. It didn’t sound so
fulfilling to be simply a man’s wife, but it didn’t seem like there was much else for her out
there.

She was a bit of an odd girl, and things would happen out of her control; lights flickering
with her temper, or a kid in primary who was picking on her getting pushed by an invisible
force. When these things happened, she chalked it up to a sign from God. At least someone
was on her side, and He was the most powerful being in the universe.

When her mum and dad picked up on her strange habits, they had suspicions that perhaps she
could be someone special. With a name like hers and a devout faith in their beliefs, it wasn’t
such a farfetched idea.
In the summer before year five, they sent her to this little Bible camp near Suffolk to
strengthen her teachings. It was quaint. The sun shone bright. She’d run through the grass in
Mary Janes to her cabin with a backpack and a smile.

She was greeted by a sweet girl her age, cheeks rosy and hair a pale ginger cropped to her
chin. Her name almost seemed ironic, it was Clementine. Mary remembers giggling at it then
introducing herself, expecting not much of a reaction.

All the girl did was laugh and say, ‘oh, very unique’, and they became cabin mates for the
next two summers. It was all hushed laughter and telling stories with their torches when it
was past curfew, eating together at meals, and studying side by side.

Mary wishes the camp had helped her understand the religion like it was supposed to, but all
it did was confuse her in the end. God could be cruel, but there was a plan and that meant it
was okay. He could kill hundreds of thousands for a clean slate, use people like chess pieces
in arguments beyond their understanding, and what did that mean for them? Why were
humans so insignificant? Each person to suffer at His hand had a life and loved ones. They
had goals and dreams. Maybe some things are beyond human understanding, but maybe
some things are beyond God’s understanding too. Before becoming man He had never lived a
life full of love, who was He to take it away?

Then came Mary. That poor girl, what a responsibility to carry. The soul provider of a human
born for sacrifice. She always had to refrain from raising her hand and saying that was her
son, too. He was technically God, sure, but she raised him and had to watch him die for the
greater good. What’s the point of being all-powerful if it means people should suffer for a
plan you created in the first place? Do we even have free will?

That was where things got confusing.

Clementine never had an answer for these questions either, always biting her tongue when it
came to Mary’s circular thinking.

One night, with a flashlight pointed at the ceiling, the two girls were side by side on sleeping
bags. Clementine was making rabbits and dog shaped shadows with her hands while Mary
just looked at her. She was a pretty girl, it wasn’t weird or anything.

Out of the blue, the girl dropped her hands and turned on her side to face her, asking,

“Crushing on any of the boys here, Mary?”

Mary blinked into focus, thinning her lips into a line. “Nope, I think they’re all smelly,
anyway.”

Clementine giggled. “True, one of the camp directors ought to teach ‘em how to wash
themselves. I don’t think George has brushed his teeth in weeks…”

“Ew.”

“Yeah, right?”
She looked at her friend in her honey eyes and made a noise of confusion. “So…why ask?”

“I wanted to know, good gossip,” Clementine said. “And to know if you were prepared!”

“…Prepared?”

She nodded. “Prepared and ready to start a love life.”

“Clem, I’m ten,” Mary frowned, stomach churning at the idea of having a ‘love life’ with any
of the boys in this camp or her year. “Give me a few years, and I’ll get back to you.”

“But what if we find someone and it goes badly because we suck at it?” Clementine began to
freak, sitting up and crossing her arms. “We’re halfway to marriage, really.”

“Halfway?”

“Most girls get married at twenty. Why not get a head start?”

Mary sat up too, short curls hitting her forehead. “I don’t know what you’re saying.”

She sighed. “Dress rehearsal! We could get husbands at…I dunno…eighteen, if we’re good
before everyone else. So what I’m saying is we pretend and practice! I’m the boy, you’re the
girl.”

Mary had agreed because she was young and it just made sense. Who wouldn’t want to get
married earlier? It meant she’d have a purpose and be a mother earlier. She could be a good
mother.

It was a mistake, of course it was. The moment their inexperienced lips touched, a deep
shame curled in her guts. Mary pulled away within a second, her mind like a mantra.

Sinner, sinner, sinner.

They never spoke about it, and soon they were to never speak again.

Two days later, Mary was pulled out of the camp because her parents had received a letter.
Well, a letter and a visit to prove it wasn’t some joke by a Pagan. All of those things she had
experienced weren’t signs from God, and she was special, but not in the way she wanted to
be. Her parents nearly refused to let her go because if the Church found out they’d surely be
shunned. In the end, after many more strange instances that were not caused by God, but by
her, they agreed.

God seems so insignificant in a place like this. Most of her teachings left her by the end of
first year, she could hardly bring herself to believe anymore when her world was flipped on
its head.

With the harsh slap in the face that witches and wizards are real, her parents’ beliefs lessened
as well. Despite the community she grew up with, they moved to another Church. She was no
longer required for services and garden flowers replaced angels and crosses. The only things
that remain are a single crucifix above the fireplace and a dusty Bible beside a Rosary in her
drawer.

Despite this, she could never shake off one thing. As much as she wanted to pretend like it
wasn’t true, her first kiss was with a girl. Lying about it felt like digging the sin further under
her skin, but what else could she have done? She couldn’t confess that.

Turning it into some joke made it easier on her shoulders, Orange Boy. Right. Her name was
Clementine, and Mary will never know where she went. Does she think Mary’s early
departure from camp was her fault? Clementine was her best friend, despite their mistake
staining their hands.

And three years later, she was put back in that spot. Laying on her side facing a girl with hair
like fire, her mind wandered. She hadn’t thought about religion in a long time, and kissing
Lily warmed her insides.

It was her damned sister that forced every little thought back into her head.

Are your kind always so...touchy? Have you ever been to a Church?

Sinner, sinner, sinner.

Mary prayed that night.

Lily is unlike Clementine because Mary can’t escape her this time. There is no one to whisk
her to a fantasy land with new people, new rules, a new life. There is no God here, but He
looms over her shoulder more cruel than how He used to. Perhaps this is what all of her
questioning earned her.

Lily is unlike Clementine because she wants. She’s stubborn and understands every move she
makes, every twitch in expression. Her hold is desperate and Mary wants nothing more than
to hate it. And Lily knows she doesn’t.

There are the good days, where she lets herself be held and kissed. There are the bad days,
where she feels like she’s being eaten alive by her own guilt.

She should be in a real relationship by now. Maybe she’s scared of how Lily would react if
she did, that blazing fire igniting in her eyes again. Chances are she’d hold Mary tighter, kiss
her harder, and they’d claw at one another until they’re shreds of what they used to be. She’s
not scared of Lily, the girl just has too many feelings in her chest, all too big to be contained.

If anyone deserves the name Mary, it’s Lily.

Devotion, love, and soul. Lily is everything she can’t be, she can’t even live up to her own
name. Getting on the train now, she feels it more than ever. Their summer was great,
everything that happened should have made her happy, not like there’s a gaping hole in her
chest.

Today must be another bad day, her shoulders are heavy and eyes downcast. Dorcas is right
behind her and Mary thinks she might be saying something. There is an empty compartment
not so far down, so she slides the door open and puts down her things.

“—I’m a little worried for Ancient Runes, cause I’m basically learning a whole new
language, but otherwise I’m all good,” Dorcas says, throwing a bag up into storage. She stops
and lets her eyes linger for a moment. “Are you okay?”

Mary nods slowly. “Yeah, just a bad sleep, I think. I’ll do good with a lie in after the
ceremony.”

“Ah, you made my old mistake,” Dorcas smiles sympathetically and takes her seat. “Never
stay up too late before the first day back, it’s a long day of doing absolutely nothing.”

“Mm,” she hums absently. Mary sits and rests her temple against the window in silence.

Once the other two arrive, it’s hard to look at Lily like she normally would. Lily seems to
understand that it’s a bad day because she doesn’t look at her so much either, but considering
they’d been together just two days ago makes this all seem so ridiculous.

It was back in her house like usual spinning some record, and it was nice. A good day, she
supposes. They were sitting on the carpeted floor and Lily was lying with her head in her lap,
eyes bright and watching her. Mary hummed along to the song, carding a hand through her
soft hair. It was simple and so easy to exist for a moment she forgot what was wrong with
her.

If Mary could just… find someone that could pull her out of this then she won’t have any
more bad days. Lily would be better off too, she’s distracted her friend too much by this
point. Mary has turned her into something awful and on days like these she feels so much
guilt for it. She’s like a virus.

Being fixed is what she needs, someone to right her wrongs.

———

James is the first to make it to their compartment and both he and Tally sit impatiently in the
booth seat. He’s been ready to jump out of skin the past month, his Mum and Dad have been
trying to distract him by taking him places and giving him things, but his mind won’t relent.

Sirius never sent him another letter.

No ‘you can’t reply’ or ‘I can’t sneak out anymore’ warnings, just silence. He mailed Remus
and Peter to ask if they knew what happened, but neither had an answer for him other than
concern.

The entire month of August his thoughts were filled with has he been hurt? Did his parents
do something? What if they hurt him and I can’t be there to help?
So when the door slides open and in enters Sirius, taller and with a limp, James jumps to his
feet wide eyed.

“Sirius,” he breathes in relief. Other than the limp, he doesn’t look so bad. His frame is a bit
smaller, but not a real concern the way it was at the start of third year. It just looks like he
couldn’t exercise. “You didn’t respond to my letters, what happened?”

Sirius opens his mouth to reply, but instead huffs, taking two wincing steps forward and
pulling James into a hug. “I’m staying at yours this holiday,” he mutters with bitterness lacing
his tone.

James pulls back. “Really?” He tries not to let his excitement show up. “That’s—that’s
sudden. I think. What happened?”

He and Sirius sit across from one another, the latter rubbing his nose bridge. There looks to
be about five separate walls up around his cloudy eyes and it makes James’ stomach churn.

“I broke my leg,” Sirius says simply. “Healers said displaced oblique tibia-fibula fracture,
which sounds very fancy. Basically—“ he bends down and places his hand on an angle over
his leg, “It was a clean cut.”

He winces, sucking a breath through his teeth. For some reason, he can tell a real kicker is
coming and that isn’t all Sirius has to say. So he waits.

“…They didn’t let them heal it.”

There it is.

James’ heart drops to his stomach. “Sirius…”

“I had a feeling that’s what they would do. To teach me a lesson, y’know? They took the
supplies from the healers, said they’d deal with it on their own. Of course, I got that it would
mean I’d be humiliating myself for the rest of the summer.” Sirius sighs. “My lovely mother
fully healed me two days ago so I could pack. But I dunno if she did it right, it’s still not…
um…”

“Go to Pomfrey when we get to school,” James advises, chest heavy and frown deep. He
can’t even wrap his head around a parent doing something so… evil. “That’s horrible.”

“Yeah, well. My fault for falling out of a window.”

“That is not your fault—“

The door opens again to reveal Peter and their conversation immediately subsides. James
slumps back to make room for him to sit at his side.

“Hey, Pete,” James greets.

“Hi!” He exclaims, smile bright as usual. “Alright, Sirius?”

“Yeah.”

It’s cold and cut off, and James already worries for the rest of the year. Just like he’s said
before, whenever he goes back home he loses a part of himself he worked so hard to gain
back. If he could just…do something to make it better. He should, he’s usually good at
making Sirius happy with some antics.

It isn’t too long after when a knock sounds at the entrance and James opens it with furrowed
brows. It’s Remus, and he’s carrying a lot. He’s grown in the past few weeks he hasn’t seen
him too, definitely past Peter at this point.

“Blimey, Remus, you decide to bring your whole house with you?” James quips, pulling one
of two boxes from his hands to stow away. Sirius’ eyes light up in delight for the first time
since he’s gotten on the train.

“You brought it back!” He beams and Remus gives him a sweet smile in exchange.

“Yeah, course I did.” Remus pulls some more bags off his shoulders and into storage. The
second box of his looks lighter. That gets pushed under his booth seat where he sits himself
beside Sirius. “I got more albums too, like you asked.”

Sirius’ grin widens, patting Remus on the shoulder. “You’re brilliant, thank you.”

Remus rubs his shoes together shyly, giving Sirius a once over. “And you’re alright?”

He nods. “Yeah, I’m okay,” Sirius says softly.

It’s pretty much a lie, but from the way he says it now, it doesn’t sound like one. James
suspects telling the others that he fell out of a window and broke his leg and was then forced
to deal with it like a muggle isn’t the best small talk. But the assurance makes Remus smile
anyway.

That music news must have really cheered him up.

The sorting and welcoming ceremony are business like usual. James didn’t make it into a
game, but he did try guessing everyone’s houses to which Peter followed along and did the
same. The only difference—other than Remus’ absence for the moon—is their new Defense
teacher, Professor Fury. It may be the most unsuitable name for this man. He’s just a
bumbling middle aged guy from the looks of him, nothing furious about him.

He has no idea why Ainsworth couldn’t stay another year, he actually taught them correctly
unlike every other DADA professor they’ve had. It’s not a major concern of James’, but he
does not want to deal with another Donahue.

“Hey, Pete,” James says once they’re on the third floor. “Sirius and I need to go do
something, we’ll meet you up in the room, alright?”
Peter stops abruptly to glance between the two. Considering Sirius’ lack of communication,
he doubts he wants to share the injury with anyone else. That doesn’t hide the clear dejection
on his friend’s face though.

“I could come along if it’s something fun,” he offers. “I don’t mind!”

Sirius says nothing.

“…It’ll just be a minute,” James dismisses, unsure if that’s even true or not. “Promise I’ll
um…I’ll do something fun with you tomorrow!”

Peter frowns, shrugging with a loud sigh. “Okay, that’s fine, so long as you keep that
promise.”

“Don’t worry about it, I don’t break them.”

James smiles and pats Peter on the back before walking off with Sirius to the Hospital Wing.
There are Prefects leading the younger students around them and he feels grown up already.
Over the summer he hit another major growth spurt, the first years look so small now. Once
upon a time, he was their size too.

Upon entering the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey is sorting through bottles with her back to
them, but the noise of the creaky wooden door catches her attention.

“Oh, boys, Remus won’t be here until the morning—“

“It’s not for Remus,” Sirius finally speaks, eyes distant. “It’s for me.”

Pomfrey’s expression stretches into shock as she hurries on over. “Oh, I apologize. What’s
the trouble?”

“My leg, it’s um…Can I sit?”

Sirius hops up on one of the beds, hardly waiting for a response from her. James idles in the
center of the room, suddenly feeling quite useless now that Sirius is in better hands.

It doesn’t take much talking for Pomfrey to realize something really is wrong with it and it
isn’t just a sprained ankle or something. She lightly feels around his leg below the knee, eyes
narrowed with heavy concern.

“What?” Sirius asks. “Is it bad?”

“A healer didn’t do this…” she mumbles. “No healer would make such a clumsy mistake.”

He scoffs a stiff laugh. “Yeah, that would be my mother. She’s uh…not a healer. Clearly.
Question, does this stop me from playing Quidditch?”

“Oh, sweetheart, if I don’t get this fixed, you might lose the ability to walk.”

The room goes still for a long moment.

“What?” Sirius breathes, disbelief painted on his face. “How’s that possible, I’ve been
walking.”

Pomfrey sighs sadly, pointing right to where Sirius had pointed out the fracture earlier. “If a
fracture goes untreated for too long or is treated poorly, it can form this thing called a non-
union. Basically, your bones refuse to heal properly. I’m surprised it isn’t infected,” she
explains. “And before you keep making that face, it’s not a problem caused by you. It’s by
the healer.”

“I don’t think that makes me feel better.”

Pitifully, she turns to grab some bottles from a wooden chest. “Maybe not. But what will
make it better is staying overnight while I sort this out. Mr. Potter, you ought to head to your
dormitory, it’s late and you aren’t needed here. Hardly worth getting in trouble for.”

James blinks, almost forgetting himself in the room. He’s gotten too used to hiding out in the
cloak, his silent presence being acknowledged suddenly comes to surprise him.

“Oh, yeah,” he mutters. “Course. See you tomorrow, Sirius?”

“Count on it,” Sirius says with a crooked smile. It falls quickly. James smiles back, edging
away until he’s out the door. “Loving my start to the term,” James hears distantly as it closes
behind him.

The halls are empty now, and he’s alone. If the cloak wasn’t packed away in the dorm he
could have gone somewhere. James sighs, knowing he has to go back now. If he could just…
stay out a little while longer.

It doesn’t make any sense, James loves being seen by other people. In fact, he craves it. There
is nothing more he wants than to be surrounded by people he cares about. Attention to him,
it’s all he looks for.

But.

Something has been digging into him lately. Maybe it’s some sort of primal unexplainable
fear, because his want to hide away has nothing behind it. There are no underlying causes, he
just does. Only a couple of years ago, James hated hiding himself. It felt inauthentic. It still
feels that way now. None of his friends would do this to him.

Even without the cloak, he wanders. If he gets caught, so what? He’ll see McGonagall then,
and he hasn’t seen her in a long while. Maybe she’ll sit him down and say something like ‘I
expect better from you’, but she shouldn’t. This seems to be who he is now, a wanderer.

Once he’s finally in the dorm, the lights are out and it’s clear Peter didn’t wait up for him.
He’ll make sure to uphold the promise of doing something with him tomorrow, he can’t have
Peter upset with him so early into the year.

———
SEPTEMBER 2, 1974

“Oh, rough moon, darling. Drink up.”

With her guidance, Remus sits upright and sips at a potion without even bothering to look at
it. There are hot flashes all over his body and he already knows there is at least one cut large
enough to scar on him.

Pomfrey must have put a salve over them already, everything is tingly. The pain isn’t entirely
gone, but it’s starting to numb.

“Thanks,” he croaks sleepily. “I guess I’m missing the whole first day of classes then?”

She nods firmly. “Absolutely. But you aren’t the only one, so don’t get down about it.”

“Hm?”

“Sirius,” she replies like that’s meant to help his confusion. “He’s injured, were you
unaware?”

Remus’ head snaps up into focus. “What?” The moment he thinks about it, he remembers the
limp he saw in Sirius on their way into Hogwarts, but he didn’t think much of it.
Immediately, guilt floods him for not saying something considering Sirius always shows
concern for him. “No, but—I mean, he’s here?”

Pomfrey slides his room divider over to reveal Sirius on the far opposite side in a bed. He
must be sleeping, he’s still.

His heart swells—more guilt hitting him from that—and he sighs.

“What happened?”

She purses her lips. “Well, I believe there's confidentiality here. When he wakes, he can tell
you for himself, okay?”

Remus nods slowly, somehow more worried than before. Why wouldn’t Sirius say anything
to him on the train? Was he hiding it on purpose? How did it slip past him?

He watches Sirius from afar for the next twenty minutes while taking his necessary intake of
healing potions. He’s slightly obscured from view, but Remus watches for movement
anyway.

On the train he really seemed fine. James had been worrying himself sick for an entire month
after Sirius stopped responding, but when he came in, Sirius was smiling and calling Remus
brilliant. In fact, he said he was okay right to his face. The next day, he’s injured enough to be
in the Hospital Wing all night?

When Sirius wakes up, it’s sudden and with a pained hiss that has him clutching his left leg.
Remus frowns.

“That’ll be the Skele-Gro,” Pomfrey comments quietly, but he still catches it. Remus’ eyes
widen into saucers. Skele-Gro? “Unsurprisingly, it’s not a painless process. The gap in the
bone should be gone by mid-day, and then I will do a couple of adjustments.”

Sirius groans, quickly downing a dose of the potion and squeezing his eyes shut tight. “It’s
so…gross…”

“Not a delectable process, either.”

“Mm…I can tell.”

Suddenly, Sirius’ eyes drift across the room to Remus and his ears go pink. Under his breath
he says, “Already awake…” He turns to Pomfrey. “How bad would it be if I hopped on one
foot across the room?”

Pomfrey rolls her eyes, instead carefully pulling Sirius up and letting him use her to hop
across.

“This is humiliating,” he mumbles. “I’ve been walking on it for a month.”

“And that’s why you’re here.”

Sirius slides up onto the bed beside Remus and sighs raggedly. Pomfrey places the Skele-Gro
beside them before leaving them alone. Unfortunately for Remus, even in pain he still looks
good.

“…So, come around here often?” Sirius jokes, a sly smile forced on his face.

“Shut up,” Remus gently says. Sirius does. “What happened?”

His eyes are glued to the bed, which is a bad sign. Sirius chuckles quietly. “You’re worse off
than I am, there’s nothing to worry about. I just…fell. Busted my leg, now I’m dealing with
the consequences—“ he points to his potion on the table “—really bad Skele-Gro. Tastes
awful. I do not wish this on you, Moony.”

Remus despises the way his face heats up even with the horrible excuses Sirius pulls out.
‘Just falling’ gets you healed with a quick charm and a lolly. Sirius is regrowing a bone.

But nonetheless, Sirius continues. “I hope James is taking our Transfig notes because I know
Peter isn’t, we bailed on him yesterday. And oh, damn, I’ve got Flying tomorrow, d’you think
Madam Hooch would give me a day off?” He pauses. “Not that I need it.”

Remus frowns some more at him. “Sirius, what really happened?”

 “Hm? I just told you.”

“But you didn’t.”

Sirius shoots him something like a glare, it takes him off guard. “I did. I fell, Remus.”

It takes a moment to put the pieces together, but Remus sits straighter once it does. “Out the
window?” Sirius glances away, but doesn’t reply. “You were using the window for the
letters, but you stopped replying.”

“I just…” He sighs. “I slipped, it was bound to happen. It’s not like I didn’t know what I was
doing was dangerous, I very much did.”

“Sure, but that would’ve been about a month ago. Why are you only getting help now?”

“Do you think my mother or father are going to gladly patch me up after they catch me
sneaking out? No!” Sirius snaps, reservation fading. “And don’t give me a pitying look, I
really hate those.”

The words resonate in his chest so easily, flowing through his ribs like honey and something
else just as sweet. Here they are, both in pain side by side, and around the hurt, he feels
warmth. Remus nods slowly, taking in the fact that they’re here together even if it’s for all the
wrong reasons.

“I get that,” he mutters gently.

Sirius’ eyes drift from Remus’ face to his healing body down to his own lap. “Yeah, I guess
you would.”

———

Chapter End Notes

CW for religious trauma and internalized homophobia

Finally a new POV welcome home Mary Macdonald, I’m so sorry! I’m really setting the
tone of fourth year, which is…depressing! Not all the time though dw I’m not that mean
 Fourth Year: Distant
Chapter Summary

Everyone’s got issues

Chapter Notes

I did forget to upload this yesterday but forgive me I was moving into college. Enjoy!

Words: 4.8k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 3, 1974

When Regulus had relayed the news that he was being placed in some classes above his year,
his parents were proud of him. He didn’t tell them it was more for convenience and this could
have happened to anyone, there is no point. It kept them satisfied for the full summer and
gave Walburga a greater drive to teach him Occlumency.

Until his stupid brother’s freak accident, everything was going perfectly. Regulus had spent
the first few weeks letting his mother push and prod while he began to learn to keep her out.
He hopes she doesn’t suspect him of attempting to block her in the future. That’s not what it
was all for whatsoever. His nightmares ceased and he cut his thoughts at the first signs of
spiraling.

When Sirius had essentially snapped his leg, Regulus couldn’t help the anger that bubbled
like a sick poison. He finally had some of Walburga’s attention and it was ripped away from
him. Once again, all the two of them could talk about was Sirius.

They had him stumbling around the house like a bumbling moron, and he just didn’t see the
point of it. They could have healed him and punished him the regular way, but now they felt
the need to get creative. Well, that’s fantastic for them, but Regulus was in dire need of
shutting his mind down and she was distracted. Distracted minds don’t do good for
Occlumency practice. Sometimes he’d push back by mistake and graze against thoughts all
related to what Sirius was doing, why he was running away, why he has no care for their
family and what that means. When that happened, she didn’t help him for the next week.
Maybe she knows he’s troubled by all the times she’s looked into his mind. Even without
seeing specific memories, he imagines his subconscious is like ink, staining no matter how
hard you try to scrub it away. Perhaps that’s why she continues with him. Juggling two
troubled children can’t be easy.

Now, he arrives at his Ancient Runes class right on time. It’s a class full of fourth years he
has trouble recognizing sans the Slytherins, but their tables are full. The board up front says
they’re permanent too, typical, so he doesn’t have a shot with them the whole term. However,
one table sits vacant at the back, and it almost seems too good to be true. Two empty spots
and an otherwise full class.

Regulus passes through the room avoiding the gazes of the Slytherins who know he’s not
really meant to be here. He sits, awaiting instruction from Professor Babbling—which may
be the most unfortunate name for a person. Hopefully she fails to live up to her name, there’s
little he hates more than someone who doesn’t know when to keep their thoughts to themself.

The class begins like he expected, opening the textbook and following along her reading of
the introductory.

It’s an intriguing subject, and there’s little he knows about it which may explain his interest.
When he spends so much time reading up on his other classes, new ideas spark a sort of joy
in his mind. No, he’s not grinning and diving deep into the pages on day one. He’s simply…
engaged.

It takes fifteen minutes until Regulus is slapped in the face with the worst news imaginable.

The door opens and draws everyone’s attention to it—because they’re fifteen minutes into
learning—and in comes a walking nightmare.

Potter.

“Sorry, I was uh…” He drawls, rubbing the back of his neck as Babbling and the rest of the
class stare at him. “Yeah I dunno, eating breakfast, I guess. I’m getting detention though,
aren’t I?”

Babbling plants her hands on her wide hips and sighs. “Yes, you most certainly are. Take a
seat, Mr. Potter.”

Potter grimaces, eyes darting around the room for a spot.

Oh, no.

Regulus’ eyes go twice their normal size while staring down at his lap. He feels cursed with
bad luck, because of course.

Potter doesn’t seem very pleased about the arrangement either, asking one Hufflepuff girl
next to a Gryffindor if she’d move next to Regulus. She refuses.

At least they’re on a mutual ground of dislike now, or so he hopes. What is James Potter
doing in Ancient Runes? He would’ve assumed he’d do something more primitive like
Magical Creatures or Merlin forbid, Muggle Studies. The absolute gall Dumbledore has to let
that be a real subject is baffling.

Potter slumps into the chair beside him and Regulus would like to put a dent into his forehead
with the table.

“Are you in the wrong class?” Potter whispers. Regulus doesn’t bother to spare him a glance.
“This is for fourth years.”

He grumbles, “I’m here, deal with it.”

Potter quietly scoffs a laugh. “Godric, I might. Last time we spoke, you looked like you
wanted to put a hole through my skull. Still do…”

“Did you expect a warm welcome?”

“No,” he says. “I didn’t expect anything.”

Regulus hums. “Good. You’ll keep to yourself the whole term, these seats are permanent.”

“What?” Potter hisses. “I wanted to sit next to Dorcas!”

That must be the Gryffindor girl next to the Hufflepuff. Frankly, Regulus doesn’t care.

“Stop talking to me,” he mumbles.

Surprisingly, Potter actually does so for a while despite his presence rooted beside him like
an old elf that just refuses to die. He gets to refocus on the class and relax his mind while
lowering some of his walls. There isn’t much of a need for it here, he doubts anyone knows
Legilimency and plans to use it on him in the middle of class.

Narcissa had said something similar to him during the summer on a visit. The two of them
had been talking while Lucius boasted about his life to Orion, and somehow she knew.

She did not understand him. Why he would need such an advanced subject at his age seemed
like a completely foreign idea to her, in fact, she discouraged him from it all together. If the
rest of the family hadn’t been in the room, he’s sure it would’ve brought on an argument.

Regulus quietly told her he needed it for more than protection from others, but she did not
understand him. How does one explain they want protection from themself?

He’s too easy to understand if you know how to strike, but only two people have been able to
dig at him in a way he despises, and only one has the faintest idea of his wandering mind, but
he’s spared the details. There’s no reason for her to know that, not when she could use it
against him.

“Y’know Sirius was in the infirmary yesterday?” Potter mumbles.

Regulus’ quill scratching pauses abruptly. He glances to his left with a guarded expression.
“For?” Unfortunately, his curiosity gets the best of him.
“His leg.”

“Why?”

Walburga healed it, there’s no reason for him to be doing more, unless he hurt himself again.

“Because your mum is a shitty healer. Thought you’d wanna know”

“It’s not like I pushed him out the window. It’s entirely his own fault,” Regulus whispers.

Potter frowns. “Well, if he’d been allowed to—if Sirius could have a normal life, it wouldn’t
have happened. He made a mistake, that doesn’t mean he deserves to lose his ability to
walk.”

“Didn’t I say to stop talking to me?” Regulus mutters, entirely distracted from the lesson at
hand.

“Yeah. But now you’re blaming Sirius, I don’t like it.”

He clenches his jaw, hastily pulling himself out of the conversation and opting for silence
instead. There’s a pattern in how those two speak about one another, he hates it. The best
word to describe it would be protective. Like they would stand up for one another no matter
what was in the way.

When Regulus had hexed Potter, Sirius rushed to his aid then cornered him the next day.
There was no question whether he deserved it or not, it was immediate defense against his
own brother.

Of course he fought back when Sirius had felt like a stranger.

There’s a pit in his stomach that seems to carve deeper the more he sits here. Slowly, he
inhales and releases it to settle his nerves. A whole term like this, Regulus isn’t so sure he’ll
make it out with his sanity.

He doesn’t even get reprieve in the next class with Potions since he doesn’t share it with the
Ravenclaws anymore. Pandora may stress him out with her spontaneity, but it isn’t like he
has anyone else to partner with. Regulus would rather carve his guts out than pair with one of
the Hufflepuffs, but it may have to be his last resort. Who is he meant to be with? Carrow?

As soon as class is dismissed, he is out the door and weaving through the halls to make it to
Potions first. He is not dealing with another situation like this again. It would get him some
extra ‘good student’ points with Slughorn as well—not that he really needs it. He is already
in the Slug Club.

Speaking of, the first meeting is on Friday night and he has no idea what to expect.

———
SEPTEMBER 5, 1974

Lily pulls a maroon newsboy cap down over her bangs and sighs, leaning back into the
courtyard tree. It’s still quite warm out, but she doesn’t need more freckling happening on her
already smattered cheeks. Beside her is Severus, whose eyes have begun to sport deeper and
darker bags than ever beneath them.

After she’d come back from the trip to Ireland he was far from pleased. It isn’t like Lily
didn’t tell him about it, she did. She even sent him postcards and letters detailing the holiday,
and he didn’t seem so upset then. When she returned home and went to their hill for a visit,
his opinion had shifted.

He said they had spent almost no time together during the summer, but that was wrong. There
was the rest of July and all of August left before they had to come back to school.

Lily still sympathized with him, he doesn’t have other people at home like she does. It must
be lonely.

To make up for it, she spent nearly every day by his side if she wasn’t at Mary’s. Well, it felt
like making up for her mistake at first, but after a while it became natural. In fact, it feels like
they’ve really reconnected following their drifting from the past couple of years.

She can feel like a kid with him again. It’s nice.

Today she ended up ambushing him a bit, but Sev didn't seem to mind since he regarded her
kindly and went back to what he was doing: scribbling in a little notebook. He’s engrossed in
it, so Lily decides it’s a simple coexisting day. Classes are hardly underway so there isn’t
much to do despite her busy schedule. Arithmancy, Magical Theory, and Ancient Studies has
left her timetable fairly crowded.

Divination and Magical Creatures she dropped, they were nowhere near her line of interest.
Scratch that, the animals were very cool, but Lily had to fear for her life too many times in a
class setting for her liking. Divination wasn’t near her line of interest.

“What’re you thinking about?” Severus asks abruptly, pulling Lily from her thoughts.

“Just…classes,” she replies.

Severus tsks. “Course you are. Always the academic.”

Lily shrugs, curling her knees into her chest. “It’s just what I do, isn’t it? I’ve got this one day
with only two classes and here I am afterwards, still thinking about them.”

He laughs quietly and shuts his notebook. Lily darts her eyes to the unremarkable cover, a
grayish fraying leather bound around the pages.
“Y’know considering everything, I would’ve expected Slughorn to have invited you by now.”

The sentence said so casually shades her eyes in confusion. “Invited me? To what?”

Suddenly Sev looks guilty, glancing away. “It’s this club for his best students. A handful of
seventh years left this term, so he had open chairs for new recruits,” he explains, likely
realizing it was a bad thing to bring up as Lily’s frown deepens.

“His best students?” She questions. “I’m one of his best students.”

“You are. That’s why I said I expected it. The first meeting is on Friday—“

“Come with me,” Lily urges, pushing to her feet. “I’m going to have a word with Slughorn.”

Severus’ eyes go wide, but he follows. “Lily, I don’t think it’s a matter to take up with him.”

“Of course it is, he’s always complimenting both of us, but he only invites you?” She begins
to rant while taking him down to the dungeons. “I could bet you a hundred galleons the
reason why that’s happened.”

“You don’t have a hundred galleons.”

“Neither of us do, now c’mon, I’ve got a club to get into!”

The closer they get to the classroom, the more Severus slows. Lily sighs, turning around once
she’s lost him completely.

“Lily,” he mutters, face somber. “I think you’re blowing this out of proportion. It’s really just
for connections and I mean…considering…you don’t really have them…”

It only confirms her suspicions, and that flicker in her chest turns to flames. It’s such a small
thing and should not be affecting her at all. Only it is. She’s being treated unfairly. Lily is just
as good as Severus is.

“Fine,” she humphs. “Wait here and I’ll be back with my own chair in five minutes flat.”

Lily pivots and pushes Slughorn’s door open after taking about half a second to see if he was
teaching or not. The main room is vacant, slivers of sunlight streaking through the little
windows. However, in the storage room there are shuffling and clinking noises that draw Lily
further inside.

“Professor Slughorn?” She calls out. The inside of the room comes into view, wooden
shelves on cobble walls and Slughorn organizing. At the sight of her his eyes light up, but
Lily frowns in return.

“Ah, Miss Evans!” He exclaims, repositioning a glass jar of likely flobberworm mucus
before turning his attention. “Did you have some inquiry on our last class?”

Lily pulls herself upright, chin high. “Well it’s certainly an inquiry.”
“Ask away, deary, I’ve got all day.”

“Yes, well….” she starts, trying to keep her bearings. “I was wondering about your club.”

Professor Slughorn furrows his brows, giving her a narrow-eyed look. “My Slug Club?”

That’s certainly an odd name for…anything. Lily blinks and nods. “Yes, your Slug Club.
Where’s the first meeting on Friday held? You never told me.”

The look on his face doesn’t fade, and instead looks even more confused. She continues,
“Considering I’m one of your top students, and you’ve said so yourself, I assumed a club for
your top students is where I would fit in quite nicely.”

“Ah, I see what this is.”

“I hoped you would,” Lily says. “So forgive me for asking, but why?”

Slughorn takes a contemplative moment to respond, hands twitchy. “You are a brilliant
student, Miss Evans. It’s only…the…typical demographic is quite…different.”

Lily purses her lips. She knew it, but hearing it makes a pit in her stomach.

“I’m as good as your pureblood students, you know that,” she attests. “I don’t want to be
treated unfairly for something I can’t control, and…and I’m not begging, you want me in.
Don’t you?”

“I do, but you must understand Miss Evans, rarely do I invite someone of your blood
background.”

“So why not start?” Lily questions, taking a step forward. “To excel in the future, I need
connections with other like-minded students. Don’t you think it’s the perfect opportunity for
me to start getting somewhere?”

Catering to Slughorn’s way of thinking might be the right approach because his expression
changes into something considerate. Other than a seat at the table, all Lily really wants is for
people to understand that she is never going to lie down and take disrespect. Severus deserves
to be there, but so does she.

A minute later, she’s walking out with an invite to the Slug Club meeting on Friday and a
smug look on her face.

Severus is waiting against the wall with crossed arms. He raises a brow as he spots her.

“I think that was five minutes,” she remarks, smile curling up.

“You got in?” Sev asks, eyes wide. “He must really like you.”

“I’m persuasive.”
Hours later the moon is high, the room is quiet, and Mary holds her tight, so tight that she
wonders if something is wrong. She doesn’t speak for a long time, simply breathing into
Lily’s neck with arms surrounding her firmly.

Lily wishes she could read minds, Mary’s become so private the past few months. There is
this…far away look to her most of the time, like she’s always deep in thought but has no
intention to express it. Not to her or anyone.

“Mary, you okay?” She mumbles over her shoulder.

Mary’s silent for a long time, long enough that Lily decides she must be sleeping and sighs.
She turns back and her eyes flutter shut.

“I saw you today.”

It’s not much louder than a whisper.

“What?” Lily asks.

Mary presses her forehead into her shoulder and lets out a slow breath. “With him. In the
courtyard,” she clarifies, but Lily doesn’t understand why it warrants a conversation.

“We got close again during the summer,” she says. “He’s getting better.”

“…Is that why you flaked on me all those times?” Mary begins to pull her arms away and
Lily turns to look at her. “Those times I asked you to come over and you said you had plans?”

She frowns. “I didn’t know you minded so much. You’re usually not letting me in, you
should’ve said something.”

“Well, maybe I would have if I knew why you were doing it.”

It hits Lily then; the hard expression on Mary’s face, the way she’s pulled back. Lily sits up.
“What d’you think is going on with me and Severus?”

Mary huffs, “You tell me.”

Jealous.

“Nothing,” she says simply. “He’s my friend, and nothing else. He’s important to me, but not
like that. Not like—“ You.

The last time Lily tried to put emphasis on how she feels about Mary, she was shut down.
Told that telling her that doesn’t make her feel good.

But now, Mary pushes up onto her elbows and firmly presses her lips on hers as if this is
something typical for her. Lily isn’t sure how fair it is that Mary gets to be possessive but is
allowed to talk about boys right to her face. She’s so adamant that they aren’t anything real,
and yet.
And yet Lily’s climbing over her like clockwork.

And yet Lily takes what she can get.

———

SEPTEMBER 6, 1974

It’s Sirius’ first time in Ghoul Studies since he missed the last class for the limb situation and
he has not done any of the intro work since. Either way, he saunters into class like he didn’t
have a chance of losing the ability to walk four days ago, and drops into a seat.

The healing process was quite fast, he was actually able to leave the Hospital Wing before
Remus. Sirius didn’t, of course. James had come in with Peter in tow, crossed arms, narrowed
eyes at his unneeded absence, and…dinner! It was eaten happily while Peter was lost on why
Sirius was getting the Remus treatment despite being completely healthy. No one told him.
Maybe he knows they all know except for him, but it’s not purposeful. Sometimes Sirius
doesn’t feel the need to share every awful thing that’s happened to him.

“You were definitely not here last time.” Sirius hears at his right, a seat that was empty a
moment ago and is now occupied by Mary Macdonald.

They haven’t spoken much, and definitely haven’t spoken on their own before. But he knows
her in some respect and he supposes that’s enough to strike conversation.

Sirius chuckles. “Yeah, I skipped out. Didn’t see the point, it’s not like we were really
learning anything,” he lies, watching her raise a brow. “…Right?”

Pulling a book from her bag and putting it on the desk, she says, “You shouldn’t be so
confident about that.”

“Why not?” He hums. “I’m confident about everything.”

Mary purses her lips. “And how many detentions has that landed you in?”

“None this year, actually.”

“It’s been five days.”

“New record!” He jokes. Sirius suppresses a groan as their professor enters the room.
Ironically enough, the professor of Ghoul Studies is Professor Binns. The dead guy. And he
drawls. Not to mention he just had History of Magic too. His entire Friday is spent with this
ghost.
Sirius ends up spacing out to think about anything else. At least Mary is nice and friendly
with him to make up for the fact that this class is…boring. Seriously boring. He’d hoped for
something more fun considering it’s not a real elective class, but Muggle Studies yesterday
was more fun. Maybe that’s because James and Remus were there.

By the end, Sirius has only scribbled a couple notes about Poltergeists down and has decided
this class sucks.

He exits the class behind Mary, whose curls bounce with every step she takes. Down the hall
is the Arithmancy classroom which runs at the same time as Ghoul Studies. Remus exits first
to hold the door for Lily and Marlene, and Sirius smiles.

Meeting them in the middle with Mary still at his side, he cheekily quips, “Come ‘round here
often ladies? And Remus?”

Remus rolls his eyes. “That’s the second time you’ve made that joke this week.”

“Shh, they didn’t need to know that.” Sirius glances at Marlene and for the first time notices
her drastic change in appearance. From a shoulder length crop to something short and
shaggy, not to mention she looks stronger, like she’s been getting a lot of Quidditch practice
in. “Loving the new look, Marlene,” he compliments.

For some reason this makes her beam. “Really?”

As he’s about to reply, the Arithmancy door opens again to reveal none other than his baby
brother exiting with tired eyes. Sirius’ expression hardens. Regulus gives him a quick glance
before shuffling off on his own.

Remus clarifies it before Sirius can even ask. “Apparently he’s been moved up in a couple
classes, it’s probably cause they couldn’t fit him and it’s not like they’re going to give him a
Time Turner or something.”

“Honestly, he’s so quiet I hardly knew he was there,” Lily adds. “I can't believe you’re
related, you couldn’t be more different.”

Sirius huffs a bitter laugh, but he isn’t sure what he’s bitter about. “Yeah. I guess. What’s the
other class then, Remus? He wasn’t in Muggle Studies with us, he’d likely rather die,” he
questions.

“He’s in Ancient Runes with James, didn’t he tell you?”

It’s like a smack to the face. A punch, maybe. Why wouldn’t James tell him something like
that? Maybe he told him and he forgot? Sirius tries to rack his brain for a mention of James
talking about Regulus this week, and finds nothing.

“No, no he didn’t tell me that,” he mutters.

The girls seem mildly uncomfortable by the conversation they can’t fully grasp and Remus
notices. Because Remus notices everything, apparently. He steps forward and turns Sirius by
the arm.
“See you lot later,” he smiles over his shoulder, still gently guiding Sirius away. Sirius didn’t
think he could get caught in his head so easily, by just the mere idea that James didn’t tell
him something.

Once they’re in a more secluded area, he pulls back and they face one another. They’re
almost the same height now, Remus maybe a couple inches shorter.

“You okay?” Remus asks. He’s eyeing him carefully like he’ll shatter, but Sirius doesn’t
shatter, he is very rigid and sturdy. He’s fine.

“Yeah,” he says quietly.

Remus frowns. “It probably slipped his mind, y’know? All these new classes…I mean, I’ve
forgotten to tell people things all the time. Maybe he didn’t know it was something you’d
care about.”

Sirius shakes his head quickly. “He knows what I care about. It’s not just this either. I feel…”
He starts, furrowing his brows to figure out how to word it. “I feel like he doesn’t tell me
things sometimes.”

Like back when he caught James and Lily arguing in the hallway, James still doesn’t know he
knows it happened. Since then, Sirius has wondered what else he doesn’t know. And if not
for Remus, he wouldn’t have known that James has a class with his brother. They should talk
about this considering they are still sharing a bed, but then again, whenever Sirius asks about
him he seems fine.

It looks like Remus doesn’t understand what he’s saying either. Maybe he’s out of his mind,
who knows.

“I would’ve said the opposite,” Remus mumbles. “Not to say you’re wrong, but he acts
before he thinks, so I really do just think he forgot to mention it. You should talk to him.”

Sirius nods slowly. “Yeah…yeah, you’re right.”

And he does.

The day isn’t over yet, so Remus has managed to pull Peter out of the room to give them
some space. This might seem like an overreaction, but it’s not just about the Regulus thing.
It’s more in this way he can’t explain.

So, nonchalantly he says, “Remus told me my brother’s in Ancient Runes with you.”

James pokes his head out of his bed curtains. “Yeah, didn’t I tell you?”

Oh.

He really did forget?

“Uh,” Sirius sounds, not sure where to take it from here. “No. No, you did not.”

“Oh,” James laughs. “Woops.”

He climbs out of bed with a sheet of parchment and places it before Sirius. “So, I’ve been
thinking, it’s been a while since we’ve done a big prank. Do you remember that spell you
mentioned in like first year or something?”

“Uhh…” He looks down at the parchment at a drawing of what looks like a slide with a
bunch of inky stick figures on their sides. This is far from where he thought this conversation
would be going. “I probably mentioned a lot of spells in first year, James. Been a while.”

“Okay, well it’s called Glisseo, it’s the one that turns stairs into a slide.”

Recognition renders in his brain, he actually does remember that. James had said it was too
complicated, but their transfiguration skills have probably quadrupled since they were
eleven.

He probably was overreacting after all, James is just so normal right now. Too normal? Sirius
isn’t sure. Nevertheless, it probably slipped his mind because he was too busy planning this
in private to present it to him now.

“I like it,” Sirius grins. “Main stairs?”

“Mm, main stairs.”

“And how do we get back up?”

James pauses. “We…figure that out when the time comes!”

He laughs, eyeing up the stupid little doodle he’s made. “Is that Snivellus?” Sirius points to
one stick figure with an angry face and thick black strands of hair.

“Yeah! Evans would be on my arse about it, but it’ll be really funny if he went on it,” James
remarks. “We’ve just gotta tell Remus and Peter about it and it’s a go for…whenever.”

“Mhm, um actually—“ Sirius begins to redirect the conversation back where he wanted it
while James snatches the paper back, “—There was something else.”

He cocks his head. “For the prank?”

“No, just um…”

“Are you having a problem?” James asks with so much sincerity in his voice it’s like the
prank doesn’t even matter anymore. “Your leg’s still better, right? Your—did Regulus say
something rude to you and that’s why you brought it up? Sorry, I should’ve asked before, I
don’t know why I didn’t.”

Sirius stares up at James with furrowed brows, guilt winding its way around his throat. In just
a second he’s managed to stress his best friend out when he was just so happy. Merlin, maybe
 he really is the problem here.

“No,” he lies. “Everything’s fine, don’t worry yourself sick, mate,” Sirius says with a stiff
chuckle. “Just wanted to know when we should…get started with the animagus stuff. It’s one
lengthy process, should be soon, right?”

The light quickly comes back to James’ eyes and they talk about the plans up until Remus
and Peter return. Remus gives him a questioning glance and Sirius shrugs in return.

He has no idea what to take from that conversation other than that James seems normal. He’d
been worried that something was off, but there’s a good chance Sirius is just being stupid
again. Even Remus thought it was ridiculous.

So long as James isn’t pulling back in the way he’s always feared.

———

Chapter End Notes

James and Regulus are interacting again and there is nothing romantic about it I swear it
on my heart and soul. Regulus hates him so bad. Oh yeah btw, reminder of the unreliable
narrator tag for Lily’s pov for no reason at all.

Anyway, I actually love this chapter we are setting up fourth year aka the year of
codependency and self loathing. Hope you enjoyed :)
 Fourth Year: Ostracism
Chapter Summary

Different or alone.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 6, 1974

The Slug Club meeting appears to be a…dinner. Her and Severus arrive together in
Slughorn’s office to be met by a round table and porcelain dinnerware. They’re not the first
nor last to get there, the table seems about half full.

“Ah, Miss Evans, Mr Snape, lovely of you to join us!” Professor Slughorn announces as if he
had no idea they would be here.

Lily smiles, eyeing the table for a good place to sit. Her stomach turns while she realizes she
really is the only muggleborn in the room, Sev the only halfblood. Beside Slughorn is
Regulus Black—who’s glaring at a brunet beside him, an older girl she doesn’t know, and
Frank. Lily smiles and moves to sit beside him, he smiles back. Severus is to her left and
Frank at her right.

“Hey,” she whispers. “Didn’t know you were in this.”

Frank purses his lips. “I dunno if it’s cause I’m a Prefect now, but he also thinks I could be a
future Quidditch player.”

“Are you?”

“Who knows.”

Two older boys walk in not so long after and sit beside Severus to fill the last seats. Lily
straightens her back, she’s the only muggleborn and one of two girls in this room, she isn’t
going to make a fool of herself. She’s dressed a bit nicer for the occasion, a brown argyle
sweater vest over her white dress shirt and a black skirt with shiny shoes and just a light
amount of makeup. Everyone else seems to have taken a similar not-too-casual approach, so
it puts her at slight ease.

“I believe that’s everyone,” Slughorn says cheerily. “Since we will be spending the rest of the
year together, I’ll go around the table for names. Right here is Regulus Black, son of the
prestigious Black family. I hope your brother cleans up his act, I would love to have him as
well.”

Lily watches Regulus’ face sour at the mention of his brother, but Slughorn pays no mind.

“This here is Barty Crouch Junior, son of Barty Crouch Senior, a very excellent Ministry
official. Tell me, boy, does he plan on continuing his ambitious climb up to Minister of
Magic?”

Barty, apparently, shrugs. “Dunno, we don’t get on. Probably, he’s enough of an ar—he…
could probably do well there,” he says after interrupting himself mid-sentence.

“Fantastic, give him a hello for me,” Slughorn replies. “Emma Vanity, captain of our
Quidditch team, one of the best Keepers we’ve had in years! Sad to see you go after this
year.” Emma Vanity seems nice, she just smiles in response and tucks inky hair behind her
ears.

“Frank Longbottom, yet another fantastic player. You know, I was looking at James Potter as
well, but he’s far too much of a troublemaker for this sort of occasion.”

“Oh, is he ever,” Frank jokes, earning a hearty laugh from Slughorn. Charisma points, Lily
suspects.

Slughorn turns his attention to her and so does everyone else. She knows she’s the resident
mudblood of the table, but god, this is overwhelming already. Regulus and Barty seem
equally annoyed by her presence.

“Lily Evans, brilliant potioneer. Tell me, what do your parents do in the Muggle world?”
Slughorn asks with intrigue.

This is humiliating.

“My dad’s an estate agent,” she says, doing her very best to not curl into a ball and die. “My
mum, she doesn’t work.”

There’s a silence around the table for a few seconds while the eyes on her are relentless. It’s
like there’s a spotlight on her, but she isn’t even going to let even a twitch of embarrassment
show on her face.

“And…what does an estate agent do, Miss Evans?”

Lily makes her lips into a line. “He sells houses.”

Slughorn hums. “Is this considered a noble profession in your world?”

It’s here she realizes she could always just lie. None of these people have a clue what’s going
on.

“Yes, actually,” she smiles. Severus side-glances at her with a raised brow, but she doesn’t
match his eye. “Housing people is quite the noble profession in my world.”

“Oh, isn’t that delightful?” Slughorn’s attention moves to Severus and she lets out a slow
breath of relief. “Severus Snape, another marvelous potioneer. I taught your mother, you
know. Eileen Prince, lovely woman, how is she?”

“Fine.”

“…Right. Well,” Slughorn continues onto the last two boys. Ambrosius Flume, planning on
taking over Honeydukes from his father; and Charles McLaggen, who is applying to work in
the Ministry. Lily is understanding the type of people Slughorn invites now. She does not
belong.

Their food appears on their plates and it’s quite lovely looking, steaming meats, a salad,
seafood, and a tray of desserts in the center. She tries not to think about where it all comes
from the way she does every day at meals. Slughorn continues going around the table to ask
questions but less attention on her would be great, thank you.

“This is definitely not what I expected,” Severus mumbles in her ear.

Lily chews around some turkey and nods. “I know…at least I know you and Frank. Think I
would’ve—“

“Miss Evans, were you saying something?” Slughorn interrupts unwittingly.

She leans away and swallows her food. “I was just saying…the meal is lovely.”

He agrees, and the conversation quickly moves on. She doesn’t miss what might be the fifth
sharp glare Regulus Black has given her in fifteen minutes, but she ignores it.

“Decent save,” Sev whispers.

“I try.”

The rest of the meal isn’t exactly smooth, but it’s not a rollercoaster, so that should count for
something. Sirius’ brother might be branded with a permanent scowl directed at either her or
Barty, but he’s quiet. It could be worse. The main conversationalists of the night are Frank
and Charles McLaggen with some comments from Emma Vanity and Barty.

She hates to fall into a ‘speak when spoken to’ pattern—especially here—but it’s hard not to
when she’s so other to them. Most of the references they make she doesn’t understand and
they don’t bother to explain it. She doesn’t know Quidditch team stats or Ministry positions
or certain facts too recent to be in history class but too old for her to know. There are many
times she recognizes how alien she is to everyone else, but she doesn’t think she’s ever felt it
like she does now.
It digs under her skin and makes her blood run hot, ironically enough. The thing keeping her
so separate from everyone else is also making her feel sick.

Stomach full yet feeling empty, the meeting ends and they’re dismissed. It’s nearly past
curfew, but Slughorn said he would get them out of trouble if they got in it.

“You were very quiet,” Severus comments on their way through the hall.

Lily frowns and sighs. “Yeah. It’s just…I forgot I’m different in more than just blood. It’s
culture too. I felt like an idiot.”

They continue walking while Sev takes a minute to reply. What he ends up saying is, “You
asked to be let in.”

“What, I should’ve let him exclude me?”

“I dunno, you went and you still felt left out,” he shrugs. “It didn’t make much of a
difference. It’s not your fault, but it’s the way things are.”

Lily scoffs. “And I should be happy with the way things are?”

“I didn’t say that,” Severus says, giving her a pointed look. “But you can’t exactly change it,
so what’s the point in pushing your way in only to be disappointed by the result?”

“Pushing my way in?”

“You know what I mean.”

She approaches the Slytherin dorm entrance with him and breathes deeply. “I don’t. I want
equal opportunities and to not be excluded, that’s not pushing my way in, that’s called not
being a doormat!”

He stops before the stony wall abruptly. “Keep your voice down, alright? I’m not trying to
hurt your feelings, I’m telling you the hard truth of life. It sucks. Accept it.”

“I don’t want to,” she mutters, slowly shaking her head. “I won’t.”

With that, she turns and walks off to the Gryffindor Tower feeling like her skin is on fire.
Frank isn’t around, he must have already gotten back. Shame, he might have actually offered
her some sympathy.

Lily enters the portrait hole to an empty common room other than flickering flames in the
fireplace. She lets out an exhausted breath knowing she’ll need a minute before she can
properly go to bed and rest.

She sits on the longer sofa right across the fire and drops her face into her hands, rubbing her
eyes then letting her arms rest on her knees. Maybe she could talk to Mary about it, she’d
understand. She’s always open to talking about things like this. Anything else and Lily’s cut
off.
She hasn’t done this in a while, the last time had been interrupted by Sirius who wouldn’t
shut up about Remus. Those two are on good terms now, so it’s unlikely it will happen again.

So she should feel entirely alone.

Only…she doesn’t.

Lily sits up straight and glances over her shoulder. The room is still empty. But she can’t
shake the feeling.

Looking to her left, it almost appears like there could be a dip in the sofa, but that could be
from years of use. She stares for far too long with narrowed eyes anyway.

What is she doing?

Lily shakes her head, standing up and putting out the fire then heading towards the girls’
stairs. She’s lost her mind, surely. It’s just high-running emotions after arguing with Severus,
there’s no one watching her, Jesus.

———

James almost just threw up on the floor.

There he was, sitting and sulking by the fire like he’s been doing out of habit lately.
Suddenly, the portrait opened and in came Lily. James froze, watching her deep frown and
waited for her to pass by like Frank and this other bloke did not long before.

She sits right next to him.

Well, he definitely couldn’t move then. He couldn’t breathe either, what if his lungs were too
loud?

She was upset about something, and usually she is whenever he’s nearby, but this was
different. It was an ‘angry at the world’ sort of upset. James’s instincts longed to give her
comfort just how he would to any of his friends when they’re sad. But he couldn’t move. His
heart beat out of his chest and his throat and fingertips while she rubbed at her tired eyes.

Her hair was done up and her outfit was pretty. It wasn’t what he was focused on, but it was
something he took note of anyway. Lily came up and tensed, and all James could do was be
as still as a statue. Oh Godric. She didn’t hear him, right?

He still has no idea, and after a couple of quick glances over her shoulder, she practically
stared into his soul. Likely less than half a meter from his face, her thin brows twitched in
confusion. The fire danced along her red hair and pale skin, turning everything a warm
orange. Her eyes were a bit wet, but not like she was going to cry. Maybe they always looked
like this and he’s just never been close enough to her to know.
It was dizzying, in both a ‘he might throw up or pass out’ and ‘Lily Evans is gorgeous’ way.

And then she stood up and doused the fire.

Only when she was entirely gone did he begin to breathe again.

James pulls the cloak from his face, simultaneously knocking his glasses off into his lap. He
is very conflicted on what to do now. What does he do with that? Does he just move on and
pretend it didn’t happen? Well, he’ll have to, surely. Any of his roommates would question
what the hell he was doing with the invisibility cloak in the middle of the night.

Another secret then. It’s nothing big, it’s fine. He can handle it.

Sirius has been having nightmares again.

James bundles the cloak in his arms and gets up. They’ve got practice early in the morning,
he really should be in bed by now.

Once up the stairs, he reaches for the door, but it’s opened before he even touches the metal.

It’s Sirius. His expression looks something between frightened and confused, and James
should apologize. He wasn’t there and Sirius looks how he does after a bad dream. He wasn’t
there.

Instead, he quietly moves past Sirius into the room and drops the cloak into his trunk.
Footsteps approach him and James is turned by the shoulder. He’s upset now, maybe even
angry as he quietly searches James’ eyes for an explanation.

How would he explain that he left because of a stupid habit he’s become addicted to?

James pulls Sirius by the wrist into his bed and charms the curtains, not bothering with a
light.

“Where were you?” Sirius questions concerningly. “I thought maybe you were in the
bathroom, but I checked and you weren’t there. Then I open the door and there you are with
the invisibility cloak.”

“Sorry, Sirius, I was…I should’ve been here,” he dismisses with the truth. It was selfish of
him to leave like that.

“Sure, but where were you?” Sirius pushes.

He racks his brain for something , because the truth is just stupid. I was hiding from the world
and Lily Evans was there. Right.

“I was just being stupid, looking for some passageways I might’ve missed. And y’know
what, I actually did find one under this statue of a witch. I’ll show it to you,” he…half lies.
“But like I said, I should’ve been here.”

Sirius is silent for a long time, watching him in a scrutinizing manner that makes him antsy.
“Why didn’t you invite me? Or Remus or Peter? I would’ve liked doing that,” he mumbles.
“It’s been a while.”

“…I don’t know.”

The two of them watch one another.

“James,” Sirius breathes. “Are you…is something wrong?”

This is wrong. This is all wrong, Sirius just woke up from a nightmare and he’s asking James
if something’s wrong with him. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

“What?” James chuckles. “Don’t be ridiculous. I did something dumb, and I should’ve
invited you along. I’ll do it next time, swear on it. Just you and me so we fit under the cloak,
how’s that?”

“Uh—it’s fine, I just…” He rolls the fabric of his pants through two fingers anxiously. “I
mean, everything’s okay, then?”

“Yeah, of course. I’d let you know if something was up, really. You know what I say, honesty
is the best policy.” James smiles, patting Sirius’ shoulder and getting under the covers.

Sirius nods, following after him. “So you really would? You’d tell me?”

“Yes,” James laughs quietly, lightly shoving him. “C’mon, you’re being silly. You’re the one I
had to crack open, remember when you didn’t know how to hug people?”

A smile flickers on Sirius’ face. “Yes, you were very adamant that I’d get used to it.”

“Look at you now!”

“Mm, look at me now,” he mumbles. “Can take a hug, but not a bad dream.”

James frowns a little and turns on his side. “Tell me what happened.”

———

SEPTEMBER 12, 1974

“Hey, Dorcas!” Marlene grins.

Dorcas was in the library between rows of shelving when she finally spotted Marlene. Or…
Marlene spotted her first. She may or may not have searched high and low for the girl just to
ask her a question.
“Hi,” Dorcas greets. “So…remember you sort of implied that if you ever needed to rant my
ear off, you’d come to me?”

She makes a pouty sort of face. “I didn’t imply, I said that pretty much word for word.
And…?”

“Well, basically. I need advice in return.”

“Oookay,” Marlene smiles, turning till she’s given her full attention. “Everyone else busy and
I’m the last resort?”

Dorcas frowns. “No, actually. I was looking for you. Anyway, I just…I need something to
do.”

“…Yeah?”

“Mhm,” she nods. “See, I don’t have my lessons anymore since Ainsworth—“ Left me
behind, “—dropped the ball, and I feel…I feel underwhelmed. Like…when he was here, I
had something to do. Now I’ve got too much spare time.”

Marlene hums, taking a moment to think. She moves her weight between each foot
contemplatively. “So you want something new that will take up a lot of your time?”

“Yes.”

“I think there’s an open Keeper spot on the Gryffindor team, no?”

She barks a laugh. “Quidditch? You’re gonna recommend me to play your opposing team?”

With a shrug, Marlene says, “Why not? You ever play before?”

“Not…really, no,” Dorcas replies sheepishly. “I mean I did Flying class in first year, but I
wasn’t that good. Lily was better than I was, but she uh…y’know.”

“Mm…I should’ve told Mulciber to stick his broom up his arse instead of holding back, he
deserved it. But that’s besides the point, why don’t we practice together?”

“I—“ She starts then sighs. “I mean, it would take a lot of time and effort which is…what I’m
looking for. Listen, I’m just—“

“You nervous?” Marlene teases, grin stretching on her face. “Cause if I get to start bragging
to you, Potter, and Sirius, that’s one hell of a win for me. But on the other hand, you seem
competitive. I think deep down you’d really like to beat me in a game.”

It’s true, and it’s almost annoying how Marlene assumed correctly. Back when Dorcas was
doing her lessons she’d be competing with herself and in Defense classes it would be against
the rest of the class. Hypothetically, if she were to try out for the Quidditch team and make it,
it could be good for her. A healthy outlet for her because she’s yet to get over…

Yeah. She could be a good Keeper.

They got lucky and managed to not overlap with any team practice times, the two standing on
an empty playing ground. Marlene has her rich-girl smooth handle and Dorcas with a
school’s loaner broom.

“So, I’ve never played Keeper, but I’ve seen it plenty of times to know you’ve got to be fairly
observant about where everything is,” Marlene explains, pacing around tossing a Quaffle
between hands. “You’re the most static one on the field, and I think it’s probably easy to get
caught up in your head. Don’t!”

She quickly tosses the ball to Dorcas, who nearly flinches but catches it anyway.

“Good start,” Marlene grins.

Dorcas laughs, passing the Quaffle back. “I can play catch, I’m not a baby.”

Her comfortability around the girl has changed a lot since last year. After Marlene switched
into her room to have a break from Cynthia, they ended up sharing it for the rest of the trip.
She hasn’t seen her with her childhood friend often since then. It doesn’t seem to be affecting
Marlene so much. Her smile is still bright while they toss the Quaffle back and forth.

“Call it a warm up, Cas. I’m getting you tryout ready, it’s in three days!”

“Mm, should probably be on a broom then, no?” Dorcas points out, giving the ball back and
reaching to pick up her broom—

“Uh uh!” Marlene scolds. “If you pick up your broom, they’re kicking you out. No questions,
it’s like rule one of looking like you know what you’re doing. Bring it to you.”

She rolls her eyes, calling up for the handle to fly into her palm. First try, she smiles with a
hum and shows it to Marlene. Dorcas remembers only getting the hang of this move after
months of practice, one reason why she used to think she was incredibly mediocre.

Marlene makes a cheeky grin, calling in her broom without a word or glance then mounts it
all in one move. The Quaffle rests under the arm not holding herself up. “You’re not afraid of
heights, are you?”

Dorcas steadies herself atop her own broom, giving her a look. “Not a chance.”

“Good, because you’ll be high up the entire time you play,” she says before shooting upward
and leaving Dorcas in the dust.

She scoffs a laugh and follows after her at a much slower pace. It’s been a while, alright?

The sun is warm on her skin and the light breeze glides around her. Marlene’s watching her
finally get to her level with a raised brow and the Quaffle on her side. She could get used to
this.

First Marlene starts passing the ball in the air, and wow it is so much more difficult than on
solid ground. If she were to be a Keeper this would be her entire schtick, so she better get
good at it. Every little stumble she makes has Marlene’s eyes widening in slight fear, but
falling is actually more difficult than it looks like it would be.

Not too long after, the Quaffle starts being thrown at more random angles that she needs to
move around to get her hands on. Even with her mistakes Marlene’s encouraging her the
whole way through.

This whole thing is very impulsive for Dorcas and feels like a big lifestyle change she’s
agreed to. First of all, it involves getting in better shape—not that she’s out of shape, she’s
just quite thin. That may be a problem for a sport like this.

Keeper isn’t so hands on and physical like Chaser or Beater, so toning up might only be
necessary. Nothing like the way Marlene’s shaping herself out, which is a bit…muscled now.
Which is cool. Dorcas is cool with that. She’s not about to sit here and act like Cynthia,
saying she looks like a boy.

It’s still upsetting that Cynthia was so stingy about everything, she’d been so sweet
otherwise.

The last thing her and Marlene do is real goalkeeping, which her friend prefaces by saying
she’s not a Chaser and can’t compare to the actual players. But in Dorcas’ opinion, she’s
great at both positions and has made it impossible to guess which hoop she’s throwing it
through.

“That’s the fun part!” Marlene remarks. “You need to use reflexes and intuition, sometimes
guessing if the player decides to be sneaky. And trust me, that’s a Ravenclaw thing.
Deception,” she says, pelting the Quaffle through the bottom right hoop before Dorcas can
even think to move.

“Wooow…” She drags, rolling her eyes. “I don’t think I’ll be making conversation with my
opponents to be distracted.”

Marlene shrugs. “Who knows? I could hit a Bludger at you, that’s quite distracting. Or I
could just talk to you while the Chasers do the rest.”

“Ah, I’ll ignore you next time.”

“Atta girl, you’ve got the right idea.”

Dorcas tries to pull out some reply but is left shaking her head with an open mouthed grin.

Once her limbs are too tired from throwing, they end their practice yet stay up in the air for a
minute. The sun hasn’t begun setting yet, but likely will in an hour or so. The two sit
sideways on their brooms, legs dangling high above the field.

“I think if we keep that up for the next couple days, you have a shot at making it,” Marlene
compliments. “Really, we should meet back here tomorrow. I’d like you as an opponent.”

She laughs quietly. “Yeah, I think it’d be fun. Thank you for this, really. It was also really
nice to get my mind off some other stuff.”
“Like what?”

Ah, that’s where Dorcas falls short of explanation. She purses her lips and glances down at
her lap. “Just…life stuff. Hard to explain. Would take…forever actually,” she mutters.

Marlene hums. “Well, I’ve got forever if you ever wanna explain. The same goes for me,
though. I was in the library just looking for anything to do.”

“Why? Dorm too awkward?”

“Hah. Yeah…” She groans. “Cynthia and I talk still, but it’s so much stiffer. Like she’s afraid
she’ll catch it from me if she’s around too long.”

Dorcas’ heart drops, a frown pulling on her face. “Merlin, that’s awful. I mean, it’s not even
true, what’s the point of avoiding your best friend for no reason?”

“Mm…” Marlene sounds, eyes suddenly distant. She looks to be choosing her words
carefully, so Dorcas waits.

Finally, she clenches her jaw and half shrugs. “I think…I think the worst part is that she’s
probably right.”

“…About catching it…?”

“About me.”

“…Oh.”

Marlene tenses her shoulders and spares a glance like she’s waiting for a disgusted expression
on Dorcas’ face. There isn’t one.

“You do a lot of thinking with a month entirely alone despite your best friend living next
door,” she mumbles, running her thumb along the wood of her broom. “I thought about my
date with Sirius and how awful that was. I did up my hair, wore a nice skirt, had my
roommate do makeup for me. And I just felt fake. Like I was on a big stage saying ‘look at
me, I’m dating a boy!’”

Marlene sighs. “The only time I felt good was when we were acting like friends. I didn’t want
to kiss him, and maybe everything should’ve set off a couple alarm bells, but I dunno.
Somehow it took Cynthia laying it out for me to get it.”

Dorcas shakes her head, finally getting some courage to say something. “But she didn’t lay it
out. She just…assumed.”

“Assumed correctly.”

“It wasn’t because of the date, though. And that’s…I mean that matters more than hair and
the way you dress,” she says, trying really hard to be comforting.

Marlene laughs stiffly. “Something wrong with how I dress?”

 “No, no—“

“I’m kidding,” she clarifies, trying to make everything lighthearted. It falls a bit flat, but
Dorcas smiles anyway. “You’re too okay with everything, it’s really throwing me.”

“I have no reason not to be,” Dorcas shrugs. “So you really do think you fancy girls?”

Marlene opens and closes her mouth, settling for an embarrassed chuckle. “I mean when you
say it, it sounds so silly. All this over… nothing. Maybe. Probably. I feel like I need to talk
with someone who’d get it, get some advice,” she rambles, and it’s sweet. “But then I have to
say it to another person, and oh Merlin, that was scary enough just now—“

“I’m the only one you’ve told?”

“Who else am I supposed to tell?” She gives her a bittersweet look. “I dunno who else is even
okay with it, you’re the only one who’s given a sign. I really… really appreciate it, by the
way. It’s nice having someone to talk to, even if you don’t get it.”

Dorcas pouts a bit because she doesn’t get it. Or, she just doesn’t put enough time into
thinking about dating, but she’s fairly sure if she were to date someone it would be a bloke.
Not that she’s willing to test the theory now, her mind is always busy. Adding a boy to the
mix complicates things. But it’s clear Marlene’s just trusted her with something important, so
she won’t take it for granted.

“Hey, it’s no problem,” she replies with a smile.

Dorcas likes being somebody’s someone.

———

Chapter End Notes

I might be pushing the uploads on this to every 7 days instead of 5 btw because school
has me very very busy. I really like this chapter though so I hope you enjoyed!!
 Fourth Year: Sanctuary
Chapter Summary

Sirius can’t help but notice the bad in all the good.

Chapter Notes

After this chapter I’ll be switching to a weekly upload schedule because I have never
been this busy in my life! I’m writing chapter 73 rn but still, I’m falling a little behind
from where I used to be and I like having a safety net :) that being said! Enjoyyy :)

Words: 5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 15, 1974

“Potter, Black!”

Sirius and James are currently busy cackling on the floor, an armor stand clattered around
them. Remus and Peter onlook with their mouths clamped shut to conceal their smiles.

Basically, they did the Glisseo prank, AKA, the stairs-to-slide prank, and it worked. Very
well. In fact, other students are still using it and sliding down for the fun of it.

If only they hadn’t fallen right into the metal armor at the end of the stairs.

McGonagall waits for their laughter to cease with pursed lips, but it doesn’t.

Sirius had the brilliant idea of pushing James down the very steep ramp and the thing is so
slippery he ended up rolling the whole way down. At the end, he bumped into the armor, and
it budged, but didn’t fall.

Of course, Sirius was already sliding down when he tumbled right into James, who latched
onto the legs of metal for support — sending the whole thing crashing down onto the stone
floor.

And now they’re here. In tears in the middle of the Hogwarts entrance while there are maybe
forty bystanders including their favorite professor.
“That’s quite enough,” McGonagall says, but it doesn’t hold any real sternness to it. “On your
feet, the both of you!”

“Wait, I can’t—“ Sirius pants, bursting into giggles at how red James’ face is. “Hold—I can’t
—“

She sighs.

James is basically straddling this stupid piece of metal unable to breathe. He clunks his head
against it and makes a silent ‘pft’ noise, which makes Sirius laugh even more.

McGonagall turns to Remus and Peter with a raised brow. “Do you two mind collecting your
friends so I can properly give them detention?”

He doesn’t think this is very fair considering they were also involved in the charm, but soon
enough Remus is pulling his deadweight up by the arm.

“Oh come on, you can stand…” he mutters, and Sirius immediately uprights himself. Can’t
accidentally bring Remus down with him, he’d hate that.

Peter’s busy getting James to detach, and it’s quite a fight.

“Wow,” Remus drags.

“Did you hear the noise that thing made?”

“I think London heard it…”

Once Peter finally gets James up—tear-stained and breathless—McGonagall crosses her
arms. “You know, there’s a lot I’ve seen in my time here. This is not one of them,” she states.
“Mr Black—“

“Oh, Minnie, we’re past this! Just say Sirius,” he exclaims, earning a sharp look.

“Pardon me?”

James covers his face with his hands to muffle a choked up laugh. Peter’s jaw is dropped.

Sirius crosses his arms, Remus letting go of him—which isn’t something he even noticed was
still happening—and says, “I think we’re on first name basis, no?”

“No, we most certainly aren’t,” she corrects. “That’s detention tonight for you in my office,
understood?”

“Uh…“ James interrupts. “We’ve got to be there for tryouts later, we can’t—“

McGonagall sighs. “Then no brooms for a week after today and detention tomorrow.”

“We kinda need them,” Sirius says. “I mean…it’s your house team…”
Luckily McGonagall isn’t the type to be cruel, and an almost playful look molds onto her
face. “I heard you were the one to push Potter, no?”

“…Might’ve done.”

“Alright,” she says. “Potter, tea in my office?”

James gasps in delight. “Ooh, yes ma’am!”

She smiles smugly, starting to lead James away while Sirius stands and gawks at them.

“Wh—“

“No James,” McGonagall remarks.

Sirius scoffs a laugh. “No James? What does that even mean ‘no James’? That’s not a
detention, you can’t just take him.”

“I just have, have I not?”

James is doing a little shimmy now that he’s gotten off punishment free and with a reward,
and shit. She’s right. Merlin, she’s just taken James.

“…Wow,” Remus says again, still quite close at his side and watching the two go off
together. “She just took James.”

Sirius chuckles in awe. “I can't believe that. He is so easily swayed, all it took was tea to
betray me? Tea?”

“She’s so playing favorites,” Peter adds, a bit grumbly. “And what are we meant to do with
the armor statue? It’s just…lying here.”

“We?” Remus says. “We, Peter, aren’t doing a thing. Sirius, on the other hand…”

“What? You wouldn’t.”

“Someone’s gotta fix it.”

He furrows his brows in skepticism. “Well, it certainly won’t be me, I dunno what I’m doing.
Why don’t we get a Prefect to do it or something? Like Frank, him and his new shiny badge
I’ve been dying to make fun of him for,” he rambles, looking around for Frank. “I can’t
believe him, he’s gotta follow the rules, it’s so lame.”

Remus shrugs. “He always did. Y’know, one of us has to be Prefect next year.”

Sirius blanches. “Oh no, it’s gonna be you,” he mutters. “Ohh, it’s totally gonna be you, don’t
become normal, please.”

“You don’t think I’ve got a shot?” Peter asks.

He doesn’t want to say definitely not, because…definitely not. So instead he goes for, “Well,
Remus has a near perfect record. How many detentions have you had?”

“Ever?” Remus questions. “Two. One in first year and…Donahue.”

“Ugh, she doesn’t count. So one. And Peter?”

Peter hums, looking up at the ceiling like he’s calculating it. “I think…twenty…ish,” he
visibly deflates. “Yeah, Remus, you’ve got it.”

“This is the worst,” Sirius grunts. “You better not start ratting us out next year, Moony.”

Remus glances away with a smile, cheeks coloring. “Nah, you know I wouldn’t,” he says.

It’s the nickname, it must be. He likes it so much that Sirius can’t help but sprinkle it in
sometimes when they talk. Before they went back home, Peter had mentioned how it felt like
a thing Remus should totally hate. Considering it’s a reference to the time of the month where
he’s in the most pain, maybe he should.

Only, he always ends up smiling when Sirius says it, so it must be a good thing to him.

The two hours James is locked away is actually detrimental to Sirius’ wellbeing, both Remus
and Peter can’t get him to stop pacing around and complaining. Eventually he’s taken enough
of it and storms back to McGonagall’s office with a deep frown.

He loudly bursts through the door unannounced. “Give James back, this isn’t fair!” Sirius
whines.

James whips around with biscuit crumbs around his mouth and wide eyes. A smile as bright
as the sun stretches on his cheeks. “Hi, Sirius!”

Behind her desk, McGonagall looks shockingly smug and proud that she’s driven Sirius to
madness in just two hours. Well, so what if her punishment worked?

“Hi…” he grumbles. “McGonagall—because apparently we aren’t on first name basis—I’ve

learned my lesson and I would like my best friend back. Please?”

She seems to consider this apology for a moment while James glances between them two. He
looks so happy it’s becoming contagious. Sirius bites back a smile. Perhaps he really has
been making up worries out of thin air because his mannerisms could currently be compared
to those of a puppy.

“I believe it’s been enough time, don’t you think, Mr Potter?” McGonagall asks, but it really
just sounds like a joke.

“Mhm!” James hops up out of his chair and gets to Sirius’ side. “Thank you for the tea and
biscuits,“ he then tips off an invisible hat, “ma’am.”
Sirius crosses his arms and scoffs. “I would’ve preferred a regular detention instead of this.”

“I’ve known since you were first years that detentions do nothing for you.”

“But I—“ Sirius sighs roughly. “Goodbye!”

He takes James by the wrist and drags him out of the room, wondering if he’s somehow
gotten ahold of firewhisky without his knowledge.

“What is up with you today?” Sirius says, a smile curling up at the corners.

James shrugs, brows raised high. “Hey, I’m going with the flow. I just got rewarded for doing
something bad.”

“Yeah, okay. That was not a reward for me,” he huffs. “And I wanted to start plans for…
y’know. Plan animal. But now we’ve got to go straight to Quidditch tryouts.”

“No, no no, you’ve got me wrong. Me and Minnie Gonagall had a very nice talk about how
she did it,” James admits with a toothy grin. “She assumed I just had a big interest in
transfiguration—which I do, but she told me all about her process. Very insightful.”

Okay, maybe Sirius can excuse it if he used his time wisely.

“…Fine, I’ll accept that. Okay, but we really gotta go actually, it’s ten from five.”

James gasps. “What?!”

The two of them rush outside to the changing tent to get their gear on. Colin Williams is
gonna scold them if they get out there late for tryouts, it’s a bad example or whatever.

“Stupid elbow pads…” Sirius grumbles, twisting his arm around to quickly buckle everything
up. James is hopping around pulling his boots on, nearly stumbling back into Sirius’ chest.
“Hey twat, give me room!”

“I’m—“ James pulls his jersey over his head, “—trying!”

“Try harder!”

They decide to ditch walking as a concept and fly out to the field, rules are beyond them at
this point. When they get there, the whole team and the new recruits are already there,
Williams standing with crossed arms and a raised brow.

Sirius hops off his broom and gets beside his teammates, James doing the same—plus finger
guns at the second years that Sirius would never dare do.

“…Nice of you to join us,” Williams sighs.

“Aren’t you two the ones who made the stairs a big slide and got detention like three hours
ago?” A short second year boy asks.
“Yes, we are!” James exclaims proudly, elbowing Sirius to smile with him. Sirius pats him on
the shoulder. Suddenly, James gasps again. “Dorcas Meadowes? Pleasure seeing you here—“

“Okay, enough!” Williams shouts, stepping out to shut James up. He begins to explain all the
things about Quidditch that Sirius spaces out from, instead glancing around at the mostly
empty stands for familiar faces.

Surprisingly enough, he actually does find one, Marlene McKinnon watching intently. Sirius
hums suspiciously, wondering if she’s there to see what kind of team she’ll be up against this
term. Is that even allowed?

Williams sets it up similarly to the way Goodwin used to, oldest first. Sirius picks up his bat
and flies up to do a quick round with the stand-in seventh year Keeper. He’s alright, but
here’s the thing, once you’re this far into life without making it on the team, you’re somewhat
of a lost cause.

He also doesn’t know why the sixth year even came here, it’s like he’s never been on a broom
in his life. Fumble after fumble. Personally, Sirius would be quite embarrassed. The two fifth
years are pretty decent, both have bigger builds which he supposes is good for being like a
moving wall. Sirius is fairly useless in these exercises, James, Williams and Eric are doing all
the work with the Quaffle.

Anyway, the only fourth year trying out is Dorcas, and she steps up to her broom with a
steadying breath.

“WOOO go Dorcas!” Marlene shouts from the stands as the girl flies up to position. Huh.

Sirius likes Dorcas, in the few times they’ve spoken, she was always fun to be around.
Chances are, they’d make good teammates. Would it be cheating if he targeted his own team
just a little a little harder so they’d miss their shots? Maybe. It’d give him more to do.

As Eric Jones flies to the goal, Quaffle in hand, Sirius beats a Bludger his way and slows him
down. When he shoots the shot it doesn’t carry that same momentum and Dorcas catches it,
throwing it back out. Faintly, he can hear Marlene cheering and clapping from the stands.

After a couple of rounds doing this, Sirius decides to back off to let Dorcas go unaided. She
still catches it—with a bit more effort, but still—and tosses it away. When her turn is up, she
only ends up missing one out of the five shots. Not perfect, but could easily be improved
upon.

The last two years actually aren’t as good as Sirius thought they’d be. They’re much smaller
so it takes more effort to deflect a ball, more suited for a position like Seeker. One third year
matches Dorcas’ score, so it’s really up to fate at this point.

“So, who are you thinking?” James asks Williams once they’re back in the changing rooms.

“Mm, not sure,” he mutters. “I wish we had a better selection, I would’ve preferred someone
with a perfect score.”
Sirius shucks off his helmet and says, “I thought Dorcas did well.”

Williams shrugs. “Sure, but she and Conners, that third year, got the same score. Not to
mention she’d be another girl on the team,” he says. “Nothing wrong with that, Goodwin was
fantastic after all. She’s just starting a bit late and it would mean Emmeline has to share the
second changing room.”

“So what?” James says with a quiet scoff. “Good company.”

“Look, I need time to think about it. You two know her, so you’re biased. I think she needs to
work on her reaction time, she goes for the ball a little too late for my liking.”

Sirius hums. “That’s what training is for, no?”

“Don’t start an argument, Black,” Williams jokes, but it doesn’t exactly land. “I’ll get the
results posted by the end of tomorrow and then we can start practice. Got that?”

“Yeah, got it…”

“Okay, game plan.”

James has spread out a piece of parchment on the floor while Sirius and Peter listen up. Right
now, Remus is with Lily and Mary, giving them the perfect opportunity to work on their
project.

Sirius isn’t sure what to call it, he’s been spitballing them this past week. Plan animal, project
Remus, project Moony, plan ‘save the moon’. Peter suggested ‘project one way ticket to
Azkaban’, but it was quickly rejected.

It’s a work in progress.

James taps the first number in the list. “So one of us needs to get six mandrake leaves—“

“Six?” Peter questions.

“Yeah, in case we mess up,” he replies like it’s obvious. “Listen, we’ve gotta keep a leaf in
our mouths for an entire month, there’s no way it’s getting done on the first try.”

“…Yeah, you’re right. What happens if we eat it?”

Sirius groans. “Then start over.”

“Right,” James says. Next to the steps list is a chart of every full moon day for the next four
months. “October is the perfect time to try first since there are two full moons that month.
Bad for Remus, good for us.”

“Okay, so who’s getting the leaves?” Peter asks.

Slowly, both he and James bring their gazes to Peter, to which he whines in protest. “C’mon!
Why me?”

“Both James and I are totally daft in Herbology, I don’t even remember what a mandrake
looks like,” he explains, “You on the other hand, are brilliant in that. Put those skills to use
and grab some without waking the suckers up.”

A proud smile spreads on Peter’s face. “You think I’m brilliant in Herbology?”

“For sure.”

“Huh…” he hums. “Yeah…yeah, I’ll get the mandrake leaves.”

James beams. “Good on you, Pete!” He gives Peter a pat on the back. “Now that’s step one,
after the whole month of leaf mouth time, we need to put it in a crystal phial that’s seen the
moon and stuff— however. If it’s cloudy on the final day of the month, we need to start over.”

“What?!” Peter cries. “You mean we can do it right and the weather can send us back to the
beginning?”

“…Peter, do you mind getting nine leaves?”

The rest of their planning makes Sirius purse his lips in worry. This whole thing really is
complicated once you move on from it being a mere concept, not to mention that it’s a secret.
How are they meant to keep the leaf thing hush when Remus is as observant as he is? He’ll
notice something is up the first day.

Sirius feels like he should come clean to make the sneaking around less stressful, but he
wants it to be a surprise. Not to mention there’s a less chance of Remus hating it if all the
dangerous things have already been done prior.

He hopes he isn’t being too ambitious or getting his expectations too high. It’s too often that
he’ll want the best circumstance to happen and it’ll end up being the worst.

SEPTEMBER 16, 1974

As soon as Williams posted the results of the tryouts Sirius came down to the common room
to see if it was what he hoped for.
Considering Dorcas is cheering and hugging Mary and Lily tight, he can assume what’s
happened here.

“Good on, Dorcas!” Sirius congratulates, giving her a swift high five. “You were great during
tryouts, I knew he was gonna pick you.”

She smiles humbly, waving him off. “Oh, come off it. I’m quite surprised, I really thought
that third year had it. Usually the captains go for younger and…male.”

“Eh, we needed to shake up the team anyway,” he says. “Get someone with a real brain.”

Beside her, Lily laughs. “It’s true, bunch of jocks and lovely Miss Meadowes. Potter not
down here to celebrate?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?” Sirius teases, earning an eye roll.

“No, but seeing as you’re like Thing One and Thing Two, I assumed he’d be attached to your
leg somewhere,” she says, glancing around. “Detention again?”

Sirius opens his mouth to answer, but finds himself at a loss. “No…I…don’t know, actually,”
he murmurs, brows furrowed. “Good catch…erm—by the way, what? Thing One and Thing
Two?”

Lily scoffs. “Come on, really? Dr. Suess? Cat in the Hat? No?” Sirius shakes his head with a
frown. “Ugh, wizards are hopeless. Mary, you know what I’m talking about, yeah?”

Mary’s about halfway across the room now and pivots around, eyes wide and doey. “Sorry?”

“Dr. Suess,” she repeats with a pointed finger. “Thing One and Two. Cat in the Hat. Yes?”

Mary walks over and places a hand on her arm. “Yes…I had a childhood. Sort of.”

Lily smiles at her sweetly. “Mm, one you never tell me about.” She clears her throat.
“Anyway, Sirius hasn’t, can you believe that?”

“Well, I haven’t either,” Dorcas says.

“You magic people…” Lily mutters, shaking her head.

Sirius chuckles. “You make that sound like an insult! I need another pureblood to back us up
and I mean that in the nicest way possible—where’s Alice?”

“Probably snogging Frank somewhere…” Mary mumbles, making Lily giggle into her
shoulder.

“Snogging? Frank?”

“God, you really are dense,” Lily quips, crossing her arms. “Missed your best friend missing
and another having a huge crush on my best friend, what else?”
At that, Sirius tries to say something funny back, but his brain fails him. Instead he stands
there as his smile lowers and his heartbeat picks up. What else? Merlin, what else? He sucks
in a deep breath and forces a smile on.

“Yeah, uh—that’s…hey, I’ve gotta go,” Sirius excuses, backing away and watching Lily
realize what she said was taken too close to heart.

“Oh, I didn’t—“

“All good Evans, just um…checking up on Remus!”

Sirius quickly disappears into the spiral staircase and groans, running a hand down his face.
That’s the second time he’s done something like that in front of Lily and her friends, at least
Remus didn’t have to drag him out and talk him out of a panic this time.

What else? Has he missed anything else? How’s his brother? Where is James?

He enters the bedroom, closing the door behind him but staying at a stand still with his hand
on the knob, blinking down at the floor.

“You alright over there, Sirius?” He hears Remus say from across the room.

Sirius nods, eyes still trained downwards. “Yeah, just uh…just in my…in my head a little.
I’m fine.”

It takes about five seconds for a hand to be on his wrist and pulling his tight grasp from the
doorknob. He glances up and there’s Remus letting go of him, lips thinned in concern.

“Did something happen?”

“…Where’s James?”

Remus’ expression drops into one of disappointment and he takes a step back. Sirius just
seems to have this effect on people, doesn’t he?

“Uh,” he sounds quietly. “I don’t know. Do you need him to help you right now? I—I could
go find him, or…”

“No, no, it’s not about that,” Sirius says quickly, glossing over the miscommunication here. “I
mean, Godric, Evans noticed he was missing before I did. That’s mad!”

“Missing?” Remus blurts. “What do you mean missing?”

He sighs raggedly, running a hand through his hair and moving past Remus to rummage
through James’ trunk. “He’s taken the cloak again, too! I can't believe that! He said—James
said he would invite me the next time he was using it. Just the two of us.”

Remus looks completely thrown by this entire conversation, but follows him with his eyes as
Sirius paces the room. “I’m sorry, I’m really lost. He’s going places with the cloak? So what?
I mean, it’s his, isn’t it—“
“But he promised me!” Sirius fumes. “He’s being so…so weird lately, haven’t you noticed?”

“No…I don’t…I don’t know, Sirius. Yesterday he was more than fine. He looked really
happy the whole day,” Remus says, sitting on the edge of his bed. “I hate saying this sort of
thing, I really do, but I feel…like maybe you’re blowing something small out of proportion.”

Sirius stops his pacing suddenly. “You think so?”

Remus shrugs helplessly. “Emphasis on think? Listen, he hasn’t shown me any signs of being
anything less than great. I mean—he’s James. Y’know, a couple of years ago he told me he
doesn’t hide things about himself because it isn’t who he is. I believe him. I think he’s just
out doing something silly with the cloak, probably something Snape related.”

He walks over to his own bed across Remus and plants himself on the edge. Everything he
says makes sense, of course it does, it’s Remus. And it’s James. But there’s something Sirius
just can’t shake.

Is Remus sick of his worrying? He spares him a glance and doesn’t see any kind of
annoyance in his watchful eyes. Remus even cocks his head to silently see if he’s okay now,
to which Sirius nods.

“Hey, so um,” Remus starts now that he’s got confirmation that Sirius is somewhat alright.
“We haven’t really had much time to listen to what I bought over the summer. If maybe that
was something you…wanted…?”

He laughs quietly, breaking their eye contact. “Yeah, you know what? Sure.”

Remus smiles shyly, scooting out of bed and pulling out a half-filled crate of album folders to
go through. Everything has been making them rather busy, so Sirius hasn’t even had much of
an opportunity to see them.

Honestly, the fact that Remus went out of his way to spend all this money on music just so
they can listen together is…sweet. It makes Sirius smile from where he sits and watches him
sort through and pick out a selection. He shifts onto the floor beside him and Remus stops for
a second to peek at him before getting back to it.

“I listened to some of these in the store, but never all the way,” Remus says softly, a light
smirk dancing on his lips. “Wanted to surprise myself and uh…also hear it for the first time
together.”

Sirius hums and crosses his legs. “Well, I’m prepared to be blown away. Impress me with
your divine music finding skills.”

“I hope I will!” He exclaims, pushing to his feet with three albums. “So I bought Queen II,
but I didn’t realize there was a Queen before the second one. So I went back and bought the
first. And then this one’s Let It Bleed by The Rolling Stones, which is older, but good from
what I heard. I think I like this one better, but I also thought you’d like Queen more,” Remus
rambles on.
“Mm, and you’re making me choose?”

“Would you?”

Sirius sighs, leaning back on his hands. “They all sound cool, but I’m leaning towards Queen
since we’ve got the sequel.”

Remus shrugs contently, placing the folders down and pulling out the disc from a rather
purple album cover. “Here we go…” he mumbles to himself as he gets the disc on the player.

He decides to lay back on the rug and get comfortable as a super cool guitar starts to play.
Yeah, he’s gonna like this. Remus follows suit and sides up beside him a bit further away.

‘I was told a million times of all the troubles in my way. Mind you grow a little wiser, little
better every day’

Sirius nods his head and smiles a little as he listens. Remus has his legs crossed at the ankles
and moves them back and forth in time to the beat. His own smile only grows at the sight.

‘Keep yourself alive, yeah. Keep yourself alive. Ooh, it'll take you all your time and money.
Honey you'll survive’

“Remus, you’re already blowing me away,” he says and stretches his arms out behind his
head. “I like this.”

“Well, I try.”

They settle into a casual rhythm of listening, staring at the ceiling and occasionally making
little comments to make one another laugh. It really does get his mind off James’ unknown
whereabouts and eventually he sits up just to do a little arm dance. Remus chuckles at him.

‘Get your high heel guitar-style boots and some groovy clothes. A hairpiece on your chest
and a ring through your nose. Find a nice little man who says he's gonna make you a real big
star’

“I’m a star, y’know,” Sirius comments, finger pointed up matter-of-factly. The song finishes,
but Remus gives him an eyebrow-raised glance. “I am!”
“I must be the nice little man, then.”

“Yes,” he continues, “Tell me you’re gonna make me a real big star.”

Remus grins and rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna make you a real big star…”

“Right you are. Now shh, we’re missing it!”

“You spoke first!”

Sirius lays back down, eager to get back to ceiling staring. Remus has also gone back to the
floor and they lie quietly until the final track fades out.

“…Wow, okay,” Remus breaks the silence with. “That was—“

“Good,” Sirius finishes. “Really good.” He shifts his head to look over at his friend on the rug
with him. “…Queen II?” He offers.

“Definitely.”

It’s actually unfair that muggles just get this stuff, but Sirius had to discover music in the
most ridiculous way possible. A gift from his estranged cousin and another from his friend all
just so he can listen to whoever Queen is.

He’s thankful nonetheless. Music might be the best thing to happen to him after his friends.

This album listen goes similarly to the last one, and Sirius really does think of the three
musicians he’s listened to so far, this is his favorite.

After ‘Nevermore’ ends, comes ‘The March of the Black Queen’ and James through the
door.

‘Do you mean it? Do you mean it? Do you mean it? Why don’t you mean it? Why do I follow
you, and where do you go?’

Sirius rolls over at the noise of the door opening and watches James stroll in like nothing.

“Aw, I’m missing out?” He complains lightheartedly, very badly hiding himself tossing the
cloak into his bed before sitting beside the two of them. Sirius and Remus give one another a
glance.

“…Uh…” Sirius tries to look for something to say. Does he confront him now, or does he
wait? Is it worth James saying everything is great again? “We were just passing the time.”

James hums, rolling into his stomach and kicking his feet at the beat. “I like this one! Who’s
this?”
 “Queen,” Remus answers, but he’s giving him an odd look. Maybe he gets it now. “Newish
album. I’ve actually got Arithmancy work to do with Lily and Marlene soon, so after the last
song I need to head out. Sorry, Sirius.”

“Oh. That’s okay.”

He could be lying, but he’s just given an apologetic shrug in response. So much for a night of
music listening.

“Oh!” James exclaims suddenly. “You know what I saw? I saw Peter with Emmeline Vance!”

Both his and Remus’ jaws go slack. “A girl?!” Sirius sputters. “He didn’t even tell us!”

“I know!” James’ expression suddenly gets wide eyed. “What if he wins the bet?! I have to
do your ruddy homework, I don’t want to do your homework!”

“That’s still going?” Remus chuckles stiffly.

“Course it is. It would go until we’re old and gray and die.”

“If neither of you kiss a girl until you’re wrinkly, that's just sad…” Sirius mutters. “Is it just
Evans for you, or any girl?”

James barks a laugh. “No way! The bet is for Evans, I’m not kissing any other girl unless it’s
her.”

The room goes awkwardly silent other than the fading out of the last Queen track. Sirius
slowly pats James’ back in pity.

“I’m happy to have you voluntarily doing my Transfiguration work for me, James.”

“Oh, piss off!” He scowls playfully. “You have no faith in me?”

Remus, now on his way out with a textbook, stops at the door. “Yeah, I say we make another
bet afterwards for you to do my work too.”

“Yeah, yeah. Goodbye!”

He laughs his way out the door, leaving just Sirius and James who looks…fine.

It’s both calming and distressing all at once.

———

Chapter End Notes

A mostly happy chapter I couldn’t believe it either. I wanted to give them a break before
I hit them in the face with the angst train for like 6 chapters in a row because that’s most
of what I know how to do. Hope you enjoyed!
 Fourth Year: Off Kilter
Chapter Summary

Can I be yours? Just tell me I’m yours.

Chapter Notes

Sorry about this being 3 hours late my mind has been occupied with this massive stick
bug that took residence on my bed that took me and my roommate 25 minutes to get rid
of and then i had class and then at that point I just completely forgot! I’m living good rn
but anyway here’s the chapter!

cw at end note!

Words: 4.5k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 20, 1974

“You are just so cute today,” Lily said, pushing her hair behind her ear, rubbing her
cheekbone with a thumb. “Always are, but y’know. Clinging to my arm and whatnot earlier
and I’m supposed to keep to myself.”

Mary groaned, rolling her eyes but leaning into the touch. “Clingy.”

“Have to be.”

Before she could think about it too hard, Mary kissed her roughly and pulled her over her—

“Bad sleep?”

Mary blinks out of her daze to her left, finding Sirius watching her. Quickly regaining
composure with a hot face, she shrugs. “No, just distracted.”

Professor Binns floats around at the front getting ready for the lesson to begin. Other students
are still arriving and Mary can’t believe her mind just wandered like that, especially so early.

“Ah, by my good looks, I assume?” Sirius jokes, flashing a toothy grin that she chuckles at.
“I wasn’t even looking at you,” she says. “Flatten that ego.”

He pouts, leaning on an elbow towards her. “Can’t, that’s my best quality!”

Mary highly doubts that. “Not the good looks?”

“Mm…second place.”

She lightly scoffs, putting her focus into getting her textbook open. Despite that, her gaze
sneakily flickers back over at Sirius’ profile. She remembers thinking it back in first year, but
he’s…cute. His hair falls over his light eyes if he doesn’t push it back and it’s sort of
feminine in a way he’d probably find offensive.

Their conversations in class are short and sweet, usually full of banter and subtle flirts. He’ll
go to her for notes and she’ll go to him to talk. Binns doesn’t seem to mind the two of them
in their own little bubble.

“Y’know…I might have a sixth sense,” Sirius says suddenly, not even looking at her.

“Do you now?”

“Mhm,” he hums. “Cause for some reason I can feel when there are eyes on me, isn’t that so
weird?”

Mary quickly diverts her gaze, pulling her lips in. “Uh huh…That’s funny.”

Here is the thing, she’s quite sure she likes him. There’s all those tell-tale signs: the friendly
chemistry, she thinks he’s attractive and funny, and he seems to enjoy talking with her too.
It’s just hard to tell since Sirius is rather vague and flirty with plenty of people. Not like
James, of course, she’s seen girls giggle when he simply waved at them, and she doesn’t
really get that.

Either way, Mary’s been in need of a real relationship, one she can actually tell people about.
Lily’s lovely and all, one of her best friends even, but these things don’t last forever. It’s a
footnote, she couldn’t possibly end up with no husband or kids once she’s older. Not that
she’s planning on it with Sirius, God no. But he’d be a good starting point to getting her back
on the right track. She’s not about to go to a confession booth or anything, it’s only that good
deeds outweigh bad ones.

She should just take the leap, shouldn’t she? Wait until after class then pull him aside and ask
him out, see what he says. The worst he could say is no.

Oh…but Lily’s classroom isn’t so far from here. Imagine what she’d do if she saw her? The
girl would probably pull her into a bathroom and snog her until Sirius is completely
forgotten. What’s worse is that the idea doesn’t sit so uncomfortably in her head.

It’s sort of ironic. Once upon a time, Mary had been getting on Lily for her dating rumors
with Sirius and hypothetical-bathroom-snogging. Now, she highly doubts Lily even likes
boys no matter what she has to say against that. Even entertaining the idea of being interested
in one around her gets her annoyed. It’s just sort of strange.
Whenever she gets over her fear, Mary’s sure she’ll finally understand. Lily’s just…naive.
She doesn’t get that this thing with them won’t last forever, it can’t. It wouldn’t make any
sense, not when there’s only one thing that would for someone like her. Mary just doesn’t
have the heart to break hers yet.

So for now, she continues to be friendly with Sirius and pretend like there isn’t a heavy pit in
her stomach. When Sirius comes out of class with an arm around her shoulders all while not
noticing the look on Lily’s face, Mary shies her eyes away. They don’t talk about it and they
don’t kiss about it either.

Lily just holds her tight that night, possessive and maybe even fearful. She came over to
Mary’s bed to say absolutely nothing. Mary is frozen, a knot twisted up in her throat when
the girl’s breathing evens and slows until her grip loosens and she’s resting. Her warmth
embodies her along with the faint scent of lavender shampoo and parchment.

Mary wants, and she doesn’t know what she wants. But it’s raw and desperate and makes her
chest heavy when she’s both away from it and right at its side. Mary wants.

Slowly, she tilts her head and presses her lips to Lily’s forehead. Her whole body seems to
relax with an exhale afterwards, and all Mary can think is I’m sorry. I wish you were a boy.

———

SEPTEMBER 24, 1974

“Lily, have you gotten the fourth problem yet? It’s a little…”

Remus looks to Lily’s Arithmancy paper beside his and finds it completely blank, his gaze
moves to her face which might as well be on another planet despite being in the middle of
class. He frowns, tapping her ankle with his to catch her attention.

“Hey,” he mumbles while she blinks up at him. “You okay?”

She makes her lips into a thin line, brows screwing up. Lily’s always had a bit of a problem
hiding the way she feels about things, so he knows her answer without a word.

“I…” Lily breathes. “If I could, I would tell you in a heartbeat. I want you to know that.”

Remus nods, knowing he’s also in somewhat of a predicament of his own. If he could tell her
about what he uncovered during the summer, he absolutely would. Everything is just too
complicated with it.

“Okay. Hey, if you wanna copy down what I have already we can keep working together. I’m
sure the Professor won’t mind,” he offers, pushing his parchment closer to hers.
Lily makes a small smile. “Thanks, Remus.” She begins to scribble down his maths and
simultaneously check it. “Have you um…have you talked to Sirius?”

“Yeah, spoke to him this morning, why?” He asks, ignoring the way his nerves flare up.

“Has he talked about Mary at all?”

Remus’ eyes darken in confusion, trying to recall any mention and drawing short. “No, not
really. Should he be…?”

Lily makes a sort of bitter face at that. “No. He shouldn’t.”

“…What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she mutters. “I mean—it’s not… nothing. Just complicated. I can’t talk about it.
But god, I wish I could.”

He taps the end of his quill on the table in thought. “Y’know, whatever it is, you already
know I’d be the last person to judge anyone for something.”

Lily smiles sadly, pushing his paper back to him. “I know. But it’s not about me, and it’s not
my place to…do that.”

In a comforting gesture, Remus reaches out and rubs her wrist, and for some reason it seems
they both understand the lack of romanticism in it. It’s never been like that, and he’s sure it
never will be. He isn’t upset about it, though.

“If you ever do want to talk, you know I’m always open,” he says quietly, letting go of her.

“You’re too good,” she mumbles. “And the same goes for you.” Lily bumps an elbow into his
side and they both smile softly, getting back to their work.

It’s much later in the day, Remus is laying stomach down with the first few pages of Pride
and Prejudice open, this book Lily’s recommended for him. It’s fun reading muggle books,
they ought to go to a muggle library together sometime.

However, he only gets through the first fifteen pages before the door is flung open by a
triumphant looking Peter.

“I win!” He exclaims, grabbing everyone’s attention.

James perks up. “Won? Won what?”

“The bet! I won!”

His face drops, and Sirius starts to choke out a laugh.

“Nooo…” he moans, dragging his hands down his face. “I mean yay, Peter—! But nooo…”

Remus bookmarks the pages and pulls his curtains open all the way. “Emmeline?”
Peter nods smugly. “Oh, yeah. And she kissed me,” he brags.

Sirius unceremoniously chucks a book and parchment onto James’ bed—who doesn’t even
duck, he accepts his fate. Remus chuckles.

“Really funny, Remus,” James mutters. “Y’know what? I think this was bound to happen.”

“—Which is what we all said,” Sirius comments. “Have fun with my homework for the next
week, it better be good, Potter!”

James rolls his eyes and puts all of Sirius’ things on his desk for later. “Yeah, whatever—“

“Wait,” Peter interrupts. Suddenly, he points to Remus. “How did you know it was
Emmeline? I’ve never mentioned her around you lot before.”

Remus sits up, blinking over at James whose posture has gone stiff. There are a lot of ways
the next thing he says can go. He could tell the truth and say James saw them, but considering
the invisibility cloak he poorly hid, that doesn’t seem like the right way to go. It’s quickly
becoming apparent to him that James really is hiding something, and that maybe Sirius was
right. Why else would he keep it so hush?

“I swear you did,” he lies, looking pointedly at Sirius who nods.

“Yeah, I remember during Transfig last week you mentioned her name,” Sirius adds. “Didn’t
think much of it, apparently Remus here connected the dots. You’re just easy to read, I
spose.”

Peter scoffs. “Am not! Did I really let it slip?”

James hesitates for a moment, but also agrees with them in the end. “Yeah. During the
Vanishing spell lesson you said she’d be impressed by it. I didn’t know you two spoke, so I
was in the same boat as Sirius,” he chuckles, but it’s a bit stiff.

He seems to accept that he really did mention her by mistake, and it’s made Remus feel rather
guilty. That was a blatant collective lie they just made against their friend to protect James’
strange behavior. Sirius is eyeing James very warily at the moment, so perhaps their thought
processes are the same right now.

If Sirius has been unable to get anything from James through conversation, how are any of
them meant to?

He decides there’s only one thing he really can do, which is to follow him.

———
Sirius hasn’t climbed into James’ bed by three in the morning, so he decides it’s the perfect
opportunity to get up and head out. He knows it’s getting risky at this point, both Sirius and
Remus are catching on that he’s doing something he isn’t meant to. Peter isn’t, but only
because of that lie that made him feel sick to his stomach.

It wasn’t meant to be like this. James just wanted to be alone.

He’s stressing everyone out, he sees the look in Sirius’ eyes and he doesn’t know how to stop
it. A hug and telling him it’ll be okay won’t work, because it isn’t about Sirius, it’s about
him.

James can’t take care of it, and it makes him want to get out even more.

He slips out the door and pads down to the common room while encased by the cloak. He
could sit on the sofa and think like he usually does, but he’d rather feel fresh air. So he exits
into the hall and climbs up instead.

The Astronomy Tower isn’t visited by him very often, he saves it for special occasions like
this one. Once out in the open, he pulls the cloak off and lets the cool breeze blow around
him. The valleys and the lake look small from up here, but the mountains still tower over
everything.

James sighs, resting his arms on the railing. His heart slows and his blood doesn’t run so hot
now that he’s out here. It’s…calm.

“James.”

He whips around, mind spiking in panic, just a repetitive no no no no no no.

Remus watches him with a quiet storm in his eyes.

James breathes heavily for a moment, looking around for something to say. He settles on a
casual smile and a, “Hey. You’re pretty quiet y’know, we could put those skills to use
sometime.”

His friend makes his lips into a thin line and ducks around the metal sculpture in the center of
the room. “Yeah, for some reason I’ve got really good hearing. I could never really
understand why. Werewolf ears, I guess,” he says, getting up beside James and looking out at
the view. “It’s nice up here.”

James turns back around to grab at the railing. He has no idea what to say, so the two stand in
silence for a while. The last time they really got a moment together might have been back in
second year when Remus found out his mum had cancer. James had been helping him out
because that’s who he is, and it’s what he does.

Remus seems so relaxed now. Nothing like the boy who’d sobbed in his arms after revealing
how much he hated every part of himself.

“I want you to know,” Remus starts quietly, “I don’t need answers. You don’t have to tell me
why. But lying to people who care about you doesn’t end well, take it from the expert.”
James breathes slowly, rubbing his nose bridge and letting his eyes fall shut.

He continues, “I won’t stand here and pretend like I’m spewing out everything about me,
cause I’m definitely not. But those are the things I can deal with, the ones I know I can
handle alone.” Remus breaks his stare from the view to look at him. “Can you handle this
alone?”

He hates to lie, but is it really one? He’s been handling it alone just fine since April. Really,
James just needs to get better at doing this and then everyone will stop worrying about him.

“Yeah, I can,” he mutters. “I think you and Sirius always assume the worst, but I’m not…I’m
fine, y’know? It’s not like I’m some head case, I just like using the invisibility cloak. It’s
fun.”

Remus frowns. “But why pretend you aren’t using it? I just—I’m not trying to push, I…I
don’t want to be missing something important.”

James groans, pushing away from the edge to step backward into the circular room. “Why are
you acting like there’s something wrong with me?” He questions.

“I’m definitely not. Listen, I’d be the last person to say that about somebody—“

“But you’re talking to me differently,” James says, pointing an accusing finger in his
direction. “I mean it, I’m okay! Remus, if something was wrong, I’d tell you or Sirius, I
swear it.”

Remus brings up a hand to calm him and just the sight of it makes something thick trickle
down his spine. “Okay, okay, that’s fine. I’m glad you would. Whatever’s going on—“

“Nothing is going on.”

He sighs. “Okay. But if any of this,” he points to the shimmering cloth on the ground,
“becomes something you can’t handle alone, you can talk to me.”

James grinds his teeth and shakes his head, turning away from him. It should be comforting,
but it isn’t.

Remus thinks something is wrong with him.

He’s meant to be the one helping, the shoulder to lean on. Why is Remus acting like he’s got
everything together all of a sudden?

He’s been silent too long, he knows.

“You wanna go back, or should I give you some time?” Remus asks softly.

James shuts his eyes again, head dropping between his shoulders. He should be thankful it’s
Remus out here. If it had been Sirius, it would have been a much angrier confrontation on his
best friend’s end. He’s lied to him and broken promises just in the past few weeks, he’s
surprised Sirius can even look at him.
“I need a minute,” he mumbles, gazing at the floor.

Remus nods and backs away. “Alright. I won’t mention this to anyone.”

James doesn’t regard him as he leaves and as soon as the door closes, he inhales sharply, tears
prickling at his irises. He pushes his glasses up and rubs to wipe the water away, letting out a
staggering exhale.

“Shit,” he whispers.

James paces.

He paces for a long time.

It’s okay, this is okay, he has this under control. It’s under control.

But it’s not, he can’t be messing it up, he doesn’t mess things up. Remus thinks there’s
something wrong with him, James saw the hesitancy and that look in his eyes he has when
he’s holding something back. Just like Sirius, Remus will ask if something is wrong too.
He’ll deny it since that is the truth and he doesn’t understand why everyone thinks he’s
suddenly become someone they can’t fully recognize.

The only thing he really can do is stop this for a few weeks and get everything back in order.

He inhales and exhales slowly once more, and he stops in his tracks.

“Okay...”

He leans down, snatches the cloak, and heads back down.

James mutters the password to the portrait and climbs in, expecting to be able to sit by the
fireplace until the sun rises then fumble his way through Charms in the morning.

Yet Remus is still awake and in the common room, and so is Lily Evans. How long did he
linger in the tower for?

They must have noticed him first, because now Lily’s giving him an odd look too. James
relaxes his expression he knows would be a concern for anybody, even someone who hates
him like Lily does.

He remembers their last real conversation, that fight in the hallway. James was the problem to
her, if anyone else had done what he did, she wouldn’t have taken it nearly as hard. That
night wasn’t the first time he’d snuck out with the cloak, but it was the first where it really
felt like an escape.

Now that he’s doing the opposite of his dad’s advice, keeping a heavy distance, Lily doesn’t
look at or speak to him anymore. And when she sat next to him a few weeks back, James just
wanted to look forever. To remember it since he knew he would likely never get the
opportunity again.
She has the same face on now that she did then, the slight furrow of her brow and downturn
of her lips. Confusion and possibly even worry, but he’s likely making that up.

He has no idea what Remus and Lily were just speaking about at such a time, but he can’t
bring himself to be in here for another moment. James should have stayed out on the
Astronomy Tower.

It seems no one knows what the fuck to say, because really, what do you say? Sorry Evans,
there’s something making me wrong, I should go. Care for a joke?

“Bit late for studying,” he lands on after nearly a full minute of silence. “Charms test in the
morning I forgot about?”

Lily turns back to Remus for a moment so he can help, but James isn’t sure who the help
would be for.

“I was just heading out actually,” she says, getting to her feet and walking to the spiral stairs.
“G’night, Remus.”

“Goodnight,” Remus mutters, trying to hold James’ stare. He won’t.

He and Lily don’t say a word to each other, and then it’s just the two of them again. Remus
stands, moving past a still James and going up the boys’ staircase out of sight.

Another sharp inhale, eyes watering and threatening to expose just how he feels again. A
lump settles itself in his throat, he swallows it down. James hates crying, it’s not meant to
happen. It isn’t healthy, it just hurts.

So he sucks it back up and follows after Remus so they can both fall asleep and pretend like
none of this happened.

———

SEPTEMBER 25, 1974

Lily thinks there’s some elaborate prank going on, because why is everyone acting so
strange?

Has Mary been in the best state of mind lately? No, but she’s having far more bad days than
good now, leaving Lily completely stranded in just about every department. She’s sweet and
kind like normal around anyone else, and then when faced with her, she just… freezes. Like
she’s forgotten how to breathe, but not in a good way. It’s something akin to suffocation.
And then there’s Remus, who seemed okay, but there he was entering the common room at
four in the morning exactly when she was there to be upset and alone. They tried to have a
productive conversation, but it’s clear they’re both hiding something from one another.
Obviously for Lily it’s whatever the fuck she is with Mary, but for Remus she’s entirely lost.

And then Potter walks in looking like someone just ran over his pet owl until he spotted her
and Remus. It was something like a wild west standoff from a film, where whoever made the
first move was probably going to die — metaphorically of course. James moved first and
cracked some stupid joke that really wasn’t funny at all and Remus looked upset. Given that
they were both out after curfew, something must have happened.

Is there a prank that they’re pulling?

Lily glances down the long table to the boys, but everything looks typical. Sirius is likely
telling some story while Potter laughs with a mouthful of breakfast. Across from them,
Remus is smiling quietly into his pumpkin juice and Pettigrew’s cracking up.

Did she…hallucinate last night? She settles back into her seat with pursed lips, eyes moving
to Mary.

Mary—who’s watching the other end of the table the way she just was. But it’s clearly not for
the same reason. A smile curls the corners of her mouth up and she hides it in her goblet of
juice.

Lily’s insides grow sour. She places her fork down, appetite stolen from her.

“Mm, Lil you okay?” Alice asks around a waffle.

She tightens her jaw and tears her gaze from Mary as soon as those large brown eyes are on
hers.

“Yeah, I’m just not hungry,” Lily mumbles, pushing to her feet abruptly.

“Lily…?”

All three of her roommates are watching her as she leaves, but she can’t take another second
of that.

Why is Mary doing this to her? She knows what Lily feels, she’s admitted it. It’s not fair to
her for Mary to summon up some fake romance with Sirius that doesn’t even exist. They
don’t even know each other. Sirius does not know her and he’ll never know her the way she
does.

And it’s right in her face like a boast, look at this Lily, you don’t really mean anything to me
after all.

Mary’s good . Mary’s always been good, so why? Why does she do it? Why isn’t Lily enough
for her? Why isn’t Lily enough for anyone?

Not her sister, not Mary, not—

“Is there a reason you’ve just stormed out of breakfast to pace under the stairs?”

Severus.

Lily blinks, eyes wet and a bit frantic. “Is there—“ She stammers. “Is there something wrong
with me?”

Obviously he has no idea what she’s talking about, so he looks at her with a mildly concerned
brow raise. Severus has never seen her like this, nor has anyone really, but one look from
Mary across a table has sent her down some spiral.

“I don’t understand,” he says. “The answer is no, but…why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” Lily wipes her face dry, sniffling. “I’m not crying. I just…why am I not good
enough?”

Severus offers her a confused head tilt. “Bad mark on an exam or…?”

“No!” She hisses to refrain from shouting, but it’s still rather loud. Severus winces. “It’s not
about marks or school, it’s about me! I’m nobody's somebody, and I want to be that. I want
someone to care for me like I care for them, but it…it never happens.”

“…You know I care about you, right?”

Lily sniffles again, running her hands through her hair. “Yeah, sure. Everyone I want to keep
around has some countdown for when they can finally get rid of me,” she says bitterly, “Get
me off their back. I’m sure you do too. Give it a year, then come back to me.”

He shakes his head slowly, and it would be reassuring if she wasn’t trapped in her own mind.

“Lily, I’ve known you since we were nine,” he says quietly. “Have I ever made it seem like I
wanted you ‘off my back’?”

Her mind comes to a halt as she takes a step back, quickly shuffling through every year they
have had together. Nine, telling her she isn’t like the rest of her family. Ten, giving her a
place to run to when Petunia was too much. Eleven, introducing her to a new world. Twelve,
choosing her over his roommates without hesitation. Thirteen, believing they were the most
important people to one another. Fourteen, being here now.

Perhaps she should put more thought into it and consider all the times she’s felt so incredibly
dejected and upset by his actions, but her addled mind blocks it out.

Where she thought condescension laid, it instead appears to be more like a hard truth she just
couldn’t accept. What if her head has just been in the clouds this whole time? Lily will still
refuse to let people walk over her, but her last outburst at Severus wasn’t exactly deserved,
was it? He’s been dealt a terrible hand from birth and has known how hard life is since then.
Of course he thinks Lily’s efforts are a waste.

Even with their disagreements, she will never not understand him and the way he thinks.
Severus is the one person at her side through all she’s been through, and they both know it.
 She should be more appreciative.

“No,” she mumbles. “You haven’t. You’ve always been there, haven’t you?”

“Your first real friend, you said.”

“I know.” Lily sucks in a deep breath. “And I’m yours. You wouldn’t leave me then?”

Severus frowns. “No, of course not. Lily, I would never do that to you,” he says, and she
wants to believe him so desperately. So she does.

The tears well back up in her eyes and she nods quickly, taking two steps forward to wrap
him in a hug. Their friendship hasn’t called for this for a long time, not since before they
came to school. Severus is far from a physically affectionate person and simply pats her on
the back.

It’s enough. She’ll take what she can get.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW for internalized homophobia

It was a few chapters after this I realized a theme of 4th year is just codependency and
many existential crises. I hope you like that because there is a lot of that in particular!
Like seriously, wow!
 Fourth Year: Operation Moony
Chapter Summary

Stars in your eyes, ants in your pants, and mandrake leaves in your mouth, or whatever
Queen said once.

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.7k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

SEPTEMBER 30, 1974

The three of them sit in a circle on the dirt, encased by a tunnel. They’re just through the
entrance of the Hogsmeade mirror shortcut, and it’s where James has decided they currently
conduct their secret plan. Operation Moony or something, it’s the name of the day. Tomorrow
it’ll likely be Sirius’ Fun Project To Pass Time.

Peter has got all nine leaves spread out on a scroll of parchment and the three sit and stare at
them quietly for a moment.

It was one hell of a hassle to get them, the invisibility cloak is the best asset they have.
Without it, they’d be getting nowhere. Peter had to scurry all the way down to the
greenhouses last night and pick out the mandrake leaves without making them shriek at him.
It worked well enough since he knows how to handle them, but it didn’t stop his nerves.

Now faced with the reality set out before them, it seems they’re all thinking what the hell are
we doing?

Sirius reaches down and picks one up first to hold it close to his eye. “So we really just eat
this thing for a month?” He ponders. “That doesn’t sound…so bad…”

“I just don’t understand how we eat actual food,” Peter says.

Sirius hums. “Carefully.”

James chuckles, picking up a leaf of his own. “I could probably do it.”

“Okay, sure, says the boy who stuffs his face before every Quidditch game,” Peter points out,
earning a stuck-out tongue from James. “What if one of us finishes before everyone else?”

“Then we get a head start, duh,” Sirius says.

Something about what Sirius just said makes James perk up with wide eyes. “Let’s make it a
competition!” Both Peter and Sirius groan, making James scoff. “C’mon, it’ll give us more
motivation!”

“And if we all finish first try?”

“We won’t.”

Sirius barks a laugh, exclaiming, “That’s the spirit!”

“I’m being…realistic!” James shrugs lamely. “Whoever finishes first gets to be treated like a
king for a week. So if I win and want one of you to be assigned to bring me food from the
kitchens every day, now you have to do it.”

“…I’d love to know the way your mind works, James.”

Peter chuckles stiffly, already knowing he doesn’t have a shot at being the winner. That’s the
thing with these games James plays, they’re usually just competitions between him and Sirius
with Peter squished in. Like the last bet they had that lasted much longer than it should have.
He met Emmeline and became her friend, and though he did have a bit of a motive to get it
all over with, it wasn’t the main reason. She’s sweet and they started talking after they
bumped into one another.

And he tried hard not to mention this to his friends because he was sure they’d giggle and
urge him to kiss her too fast. Well, she did it anyway, so Peter supposed that was it. He won.
What did he get? Nothing.

Sirius gets his homework done for free, tonight being the last night James has that obligation.
He doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t have his homework done considering he’s the person
who won the bet.

He’s sure he’ll be waiting on hand and foot for James or Sirius in a month once they finish
first. They’re smarter than him, everything comes easier. Chances are that keeping a
mandrake leaf in their mouths will somehow translate.

“Game on,” James remarks with a cheeky grin, placing the leaf on his tongue and closing his
jaw shut. Sirius and Peter follow.

The remaining six leaves will stay in here atop the parchment with their plans on it in case
they mess up. Which they will.

It really starts the next morning during breakfast. Remus is already grumbly because of pain
and he’s miserably shoving food into his mouth to feel better. It takes him about five minutes
to notice something is off, which is actually later than they all expected.

Peter’s decided to skip eating just to get used to the leaf in his mouth, but James and Sirius
are chewing like—

“Why are you two chewing like cows in a field?” Remus comments, chowing down on an
eight AM chicken leg.

Sirius and James stop mid-chew and glance at one another nervously.

“We heard…proper mastication is quite good for you…” Sirius lands on, half muffled by his
food. James suddenly looks like his eyes are going to pop out of their sockets.

Remus furrows his brows. “I didn’t even know you knew that word.”

Sirius awkwardly swallows his food and nods. “You underestimate me, Moony.”

“Ew, why didn’t you just say we had a late night?” James mutters, mouth finally mostly
empty. “Remus doesn’t need to know about that.”

“Chewing, James, it means chewing.”

“What?”

Remus sighs, turning to Peter afterwards. “And since when do you skip breakfast?”

Peter raises his brows, trying to make up some excuse. They really should’ve made a plan
beforehand. “I’m uh…I’m…dieting.”

“You stole one of my Cauldron Cakes yesterday,” he points out, eyes narrowed.

“And…then I decided to make a lifestyle change.”

Remus silently looks between all three of them with a look that can only be described by
perplexion. “You’re all acting weird.”

James stuffs another massive bite of toast into his mouth. “Well, the moon is full.”

———

Shutting up is very difficult when it’s unwilling. James sits quietly in Ancient Runes other
than the tapping of his feet, Regulus beside him ignoring his presence to write.

The subject is okay, it’s just not the most thrilling thing to be sitting and translating shapes for
an hour. Maybe if Sirius was here he’d like it some more.
The mandrake leaf makes talking sort of funny. James has to move it to either the side of his
cheek or under his tongue to get a sentence out. It’s technically day one, he has no idea how
he’s getting through a month that he may have to redo multiple times. So really, he could be
doing this for nearly three months. He better get used to it.

Luckily, it doesn’t taste like anything and around seventeen hours in, it started to lose its
rough texture. Perhaps it’s more durable than most other edible things considering they
definitely would have dissolved by now. They should have researched more, but the near one
year of seeing if Werewolf Remus would kill them was enough for him, really.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Regulus giving him a vicious side eye at the strange way
he’s holding himself. The leaf under his tongue must be making his jaw look funny. He shifts
it to his cheek.

“And you tell me to mind my business,” James mumbles, finally looking down at his blank
work.

“I can mind my business and wonder why you look like you’re holding a toad in your mouth.
It’s weird.”

Unfortunately that pulls a chuckle from him. “A toad, that’s good. Remus said I look like a
cow.”

Regulus raises a brow. “I don’t have a clue who that is, but he’s right.”

“You don’t know Remus?” James whispers. “Sirius hasn’t spoken about him?”

He’s given a tightening jaw clench and the slight curl of lip. “We don’t speak,” Regulus says.
“What, too daft to notice?”

“Not at all? You live in the same house, surely you’ve spoken once—“

“Not for two hundred and ninety-two days, now keep it shut,” Regulus mutters, and he
doesn’t speak another word to James for the rest of class.

———

After the strange behavior of everyone last week, it seems all is right again. While Lily and
Severus are working on the recipe for a Calming Draught, there’s snickering behind her
which is familiar in a way that feels…good?

When she saw Potter in such an odd state it threw her off because that’s simply not who he is.
What he’s doing now—giggling about whatever with Sirius—is much more natural than the
clouded eyes.
Severus doesn’t seem pleased about it, though, and continues to grind his teeth as it grows
more persistent.

“I think I might drink this instead of handing it in,” he remarks, which makes Lily chuckle
quietly. “You don’t seem to mind it so much.”

She waves him off slightly, going back to chopping up lavender. “I’ve just gotten used to it.
Like white noise.”

He hums, likely about to reply before there’s a loud clanging noise behind them. Lily dares to
look over her shoulder to see Sirius red faced and clutching at his mouth while Potter is on
the ground with half their supplies. It’s certainly a sight.

From the table beside theirs, Pettigrew also has a hand clasped over his mouth while Remus
looks tired and ready to drop dead. He sighs and gives her a solemn look.

“Boys, what is the issue here?” Slughorn bumbles on over. Sirius raises a finger while trying
to catch his breath.

“Uh—“ He tries before making a pft noise. “Um…James has fallen.”

“I see that.”

Potter stumbles to his feet, blinking like he’s in a daze. It seems the whole class has turned
their attention to the back of the class now.

“I…” Potter starts, before his eyes widen and he closes his mouth. “Sirius, big problem.”

“No way, already?”

An aggressive nod. Lily has no idea what’s going on anymore, and decides to slowly turn
back to continue chopping.

“Does it count?” Potter mumbles. “I don’t have to wait till next month right?”

“It’s not nighttime yet. Maybe not,” Sirius whispers.

Lily raises her brows, mumbling to Severus, “I might need some of the Calming Draught
after this, too.” A smirk skirts along his features and she goes to measure her cut lavender.

They haven’t really spoken about what happened last week, but there’s an obvious change in
their friendship. If she’s not with her roommates, she’s with him. There’s very little alone
time, even at night because of Mary, but Lily doesn’t think she minds.

Mary isn’t happy about it, but considering everything she’s doing at the moment, Lily does
not care. They’re at a standstill right now, about as fragile as sugar glass. It’s like they’re both
putting off a fight as long as humanly possible just to latch onto this thing they have, and
none are sure who will break first.
Sirius is none-the-wiser to Mary’s sudden interest, and he treats her like how he does just
about anyone else. It’s hard to tell where this is originating from, maybe insecurity or
overcompensation, but she thinks Mary might be the first to break.

Leaving Potions, she says her goodbyes to Severus and waits for Remus outside the door.
Alice quickly walks up to Frank with a bright smile and a hand closing around his forearm.
They tease her all the time for not just admitting they’re dating, the two of them have no
issues and light up the moment they’re close to one another. Lily desperately wishes for
something so easy.

“I can’t believe you already failed at your own competition,” Sirius laughs, lightly hitting
Potter’s arm.

Lily raises a brow. Potter bites back a smile and trails off with Sirius, Pettigrew a few steps
behind. And then comes Remus.

“Hey, do you know what they’re on about?” She questions, siding up next to him as they
walk up to Arithmancy.

Remus sighs and shakes his head. “I wish I knew. They were acting strange this morning too,
I got the excuse of apparently mastication and dieting,” he smiles thinly. “Honestly, I am not
in the right state to think about anything too hard right now.”

“Aw, poor thing,” Lily coos, making Remus wrinkle his nose. Quieting and getting a little
more serious, she asks, “Heading out soon?”

He nods. “Yeah…mind taking Arithmancy notes for me?”

“You don’t need to ask.”

“Mm, thank you,” Remus says quietly. “I’ve just gotta…go up seven flights, grab my
walking stick, drop it off in the Hospital Wing, then I’m off.”

Lily frowns. “You need a walking stick?”

“Yeah—uh, Sirius got it for me.” For some reason, as he says this, his cheeks color and he
begins to smile a little. “Anyway, I’ll be off. I’m not gonna keep you from Arithmancy.”

She chuckles, raising her brows. “Yes, how dare you keep me from my numbers and math,
pure evil…” Lily jokes. “I’ll be writing your notes, and maybe before Magical Theory I can
visit tomorrow?”

“I’d like that.”

Lily smiles, waving him off before splitting off from him, heart warm.

———
OCTOBER 2, 1974

Remus shuffles his hospital bed’s sheets and groans quietly, coming to consciousness. His
eyes feel glued shut and mouth dry the way they do after a really long nap.

The room is pretty dark, and that makes him jolt awake. Did he sleep the whole day?

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” a voice he already knows belongs to Sirius, quirks
from his usual spot.

Remus winces, sitting up and rolling his shoulders out. “Great, was I out the whole day?”

Sirius grimaces in a comical sort of way. “Yep, sorry mate. Been waiting a while.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“…Why are you apologizing?”

Remus shrugs, rubbing his tired eyes. “No clue. How long is a while?”

He gets his first actual look at Sirius, and he doesn’t even really have his uniform on. The tie
has been ditched but he’s got the damned leather jacket on with an even better fit than before
now that he’s taller. Remus decides the bedspread is the better option to look at so he doesn’t
do something stupid.

Sirius hums. “Say…seven hours?”

Remus practically chokes on air. “Seven hours?”

“I skipped like three classes today because…I dunno. I wasn’t feeling it,” he says, as if that’s
normal. “So I came down here and waited for you to wake up, at first Pomfrey was very busy,
but then she wasn’t. And then Evans stopped by—“

“Oh, shit,” Remus grumbles, sliding a hand down his face. “I told her she could come by.
Didn’t expect to be out like a blasted light. What happened then?”

Sirius shrugs. “Well, I told her. Hey, Evans, Remus is sleeping, do not disturb.”

“And what did she say?”

“Look on your left.”

Remus does, finding a little piece of paper that he picks up to read.

Hey, gotta run to Ancient Studies, but just know I did in fact drop by! Sirius seems to be
keeping you company though, so maybe my absence is totally okay. Goodbye sleepyhead! -
Lily

He smiles softly, shaking his head and putting it back down.

“Yeah, so she wrote that, then gave me this look and left,” Sirius adds, leaning back in his
chair. “Maybe she was judging me for not waking you up, but you looked…peaceful. I
guess.”

The bedspread is super interesting once again as his face glows with heat. Sirius was
watching him sleep for seven hours? Really? And he didn’t get bored? He didn’t leave once?

“Uh…cool,” Remus mumbles stupidly. “Well…thanks. I think I needed it, I feel pretty
refreshed. Could use some food though, is it past dinner?”

“No actually, James is grabbing it now. The idiot just got out of detention with Sluggy for
yesterday.”

“Oh, y’know I’m surprised you didn’t get one too,” Remus replies. “Pushing each other
around and all that. I could see it from a mile away, I’m just glad James didn’t get stabbed
with the knife that fell with him.”

Sirius laughs, a sweet, but also slightly mischievous kind. “Yeah, but then you two could’ve
been hospital buddies! What’s better than skipping class for one friend, but two?”

“Ugh, shut up,” he drawls with an eye roll. “You just wanna see James.”

“No way. I see him all the time, the only way we could spend any more time together is if we
start showering together.” Sirius blinks. “And that’s weird, I don’t know why I said that.”

Remus purses his lips. “No, me either. But don’t act like you weren’t losing your head when
McGonagall took him for two hours.”

“I’m not acting like anything. But also, that was against my will. Now we’ve been somewhat
willingly separated for seven hours, and I think—“

“I’ve brought the goods!”

Speak of the devil, really.

James pushes his way into the room with Peter at his side and a tray in his hands. Sirius pops
up with a grin and waves excitedly.

Remus breathes a sigh of relief, his stomach was starting to kill him. The moment James sets
the tray on the bed, he stuffs a great deal of it in his mouth. “Thank you,” he tries, but it
sounds like “Mmpphou.”
“…Wow,” James mutters impressively. “Someone’s hungry.”

Remus swallows a great lump down. “You make me sound like someone’s stray dog, that’s
insulting,” he jokes, taking another large bite.

“So, how was detention with Slughorn?” Sirius asks.

James rolls his eyes. “He made me reorganize the room, but it had to be in his stupidly
specific way. You know how many dumb little trinkets this man has?” He rambles, “After my
third attempt, he was pretty chuffed with my good work, but I am not amused by him! I
barely made it down in time for dinner, and poor Pete was all alone!”

Peter shrugs. “Frank was there.”

“You know what I mean.”

It dawns on Remus suddenly that Sirius missed dinner. Without hesitation, he picks up one of
his sandwiches and offers it out. “You should eat, too,” he says.

Sirius’ eyes dart around from the food, to Remus, to the others, back to the food. “Uh, no,
that’s okay.”

Remus raises a brow. “Okay, then I’m telling you. Eat this.”

The room is quite silent as Sirius slowly takes the sandwich from his grasp and begins to
munch on it with pink ears. Remus smiles smugly, face burning up a bit himself.

“…Thanks,” Sirius mumbles, slumping back into his usual chair and making himself small.
He’s still chewing strangely like the day before, but Remus decides not to think on it.

“Alright!” James clasps his hands together to break the tension. “Uh…me and Pete, we’ve
gotta head up and do some stuff.” he pointedly looks at Sirius. “That’s okay, Remus?”

He nods around his mouthful. “Mhm. All good. Thanks.”

“Okay, see you soon!”

“Bye, Remus!” Peter waves, and they leave together from where they came.

Sirius scoffs a laugh. “Love a good guest appearance.”

Remus hums, swallowing down and letting himself breathe for a minute. “What did James
mean, stuff? He said it in this weird way.”

“Uhh, I dunno what you’re talking about. I was busy with this sandwich you forced me
onto.”

He chuckles out an, “Okay. Sure. Is it a prank?”

Sirius hesitates, but nods quickly. “Yes. Yeah. You’ll see, it’ll be really funny.”
They fall into an easy silence like they usually do once there is not much else to talk about.
Pomfrey gives him the ‘okay’ to leave whenever he likes after a quick checkup, but he sticks
back for a few minutes anyway. Maybe he’s selfishly grasping for more time alone with his
friend, but so what? It’s not like he’s being weird about it. Remus is so normal about it.

It’s just that Sirius is still so good, and makes it impossible to ignore the beating of his heart.
While finishing up his dinner, Remus can’t help but steal little glances at him — Sirius is
usually playing with the zipper on his jacket or twiddling his thumbs. Like a nervous habit.

Pomfrey takes his tray to deliver it back to the house elves, and Remus slides off the bed.
He’s a little wobbly from being on it all day, but Sirius is up and extending the cane over for
him to grab.

He smiles and takes it.

Sometimes Remus feels silly for not realizing it all sooner considering those months of
insanity the last half of third year. Coming to terms with it is letting it settle beneath his skin
and be easier to handle. Like he told his mum before, he will be taking this secret to the grave
since there’s no reason for anyone to know about it. Sirius certainly doesn’t have to know
Remus is taking advantage of his kindness, that’s the last thing he’d want. And not for
Remus’ sake, it’s actually for Sirius’. It just feels…gross.

So yes, he enjoys when Sirius lends a steadying hand on his arm while they’re going up the
stairs, but it doesn’t help the shame. Remus is far too acquainted with shame at this point in
his life.

“Y’know, you’re usually pretty quiet after the moons, but this seems different,” Sirius points
out quietly just outside the common room entrance. “You okay? Besides the…everything?”

Remus bites back a smile. “Yeah, I’m okay,” he says.

They’re actually the same height now, which he thinks if he pointed it out, Sirius would
vehemently deny it. He just wants to know how it would feel to hug him now that they’re on
equal footing for the first time. Well, he’d like to hug him in general for being so kind today,
but again, he’d be taking advantage of him.

Sirius doesn’t deserve that.

Maybe Sirius is anticipating more from him since they’re standing face to face in silence. But
Remus turns to the Fat Lady portrait and says the password instead of doing everything else
he had on his mind. Sirius follows after him.

“Oh, look who it is!” Mary exclaims, and Remus folds his cane up behind his back. “The two
class skippers.”

Her, Lily, Dorcas, as well as Frank with a sleepy looking Alice practically in his lap are in
their usual spot. Are they dating yet? Sirius waves and makes his way to the center of the
room where Mary smiles up at him sweetly. Remus frowns. Beside her, Lily has gone tense.
“Hey, we were off doing super mischievous things, don’t ask about it,” Sirius says cheekily,
leaning an elbow on the back of the sofa.

“Ah, I wouldn’t dare,” Mary smiles. “Remus, you look quite tired! You alright?”

Sort of forgetting he exists, he nods, following to where Sirius is but still lagging behind. If
he ignores the crick in his knees and strain of his back, this could be a…fun conversation.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he mutters.

Lily darts her gaze between Mary and Sirius as they start talking again and pushes to her feet
suddenly. “Remus, I actually wanted to talk to you.”

Once she’s by his side and suddenly pulling him away from everyone else, Remus furrows
his brows. “You did? I mean I got your note—“

“No, not that,” she mumbles, now helping him with the stairs. “I just didn’t wanna be there
anymore.”

“Oh?”

“Can’t explain. I’m sorry.”

At the top of the flight, Remus gives her a pointed look. “Is it to do with Sirius and Mary?
You asked about them last time you ‘couldn’t explain it’.”

Lily pauses, likely looking for an explanation, then sighs. “Look, it’s not anything I can say,
and certainly not so public like this. But I promise, I really do-“

“You’d tell me if you could,” Remus finishes. “It’s fine. I’d tell you things if I could too.”

She chews on her lip worryingly, searching his expression. She nods. “You’re understanding
in a very lovely and annoying way, I think most people would just pester me until I cracked,”
Lily says.

“Well, I am not most people.”

Lily smiles up at him. “I know.” She pulls him in for a quick hug. “Rest up, you’ve had a
long day of sleeping. I’ll get your Arithmancy notes to you tomorrow in Defense.”

Remus chuckles, pulling back and taking a couple steps back. “Can you believe I’m still
tired? G’night, Lily.”

“Night, Remus!” She waves, hopping back down the stairs and out of sight, likely to the girl's
side.

He walks along the hallway to their dorm and finds the door already open. Walking through,
Remus finds James and Peter on their backs staring up at the ceiling.
“Uhh?” He questions. He walks in further and places his folded cane in his trunk, but the two
haven’t moved.

“Hush, we’re starfishing,” James scolds.

“…Sorry?”

“You heard him,” Peter adds.

Remus can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of him, enough that it causes him to cover his
face and hide it.

“Whaaat is going on here?” Sirius slowly questions as he enters and sees the mess going on.

“Apparently they’re starfishing!” Remus explains through laughter.

James begins to giggle, which makes Peter follow up with a similar level of amusement.
Sirius looks between them all like they’re insane.

“Did someone slip something into your dinner?”

He chokes on a laugh and shakes his head quickly. “No, I…I stole this thing from Sluggy. He
didn’t even notice!”

Remus only spots it then, this vial of some half-empty yellow glowing potion on James’
desk. He picks it up and swirls it around. “Is this what you meant by stuff you had to do?”

Sirius rushes to his side and plucks the glass from his hand. “What is this?”

“Wait, I think there’s a label on the bottom,” Remus says, taking it back and lifting it up.
“Euphoria Elixir?!”

“When you said you had stuff to do I thought you meant—“ Sirius cuts himself off. “Not
this.”

James shoots up, eyes bright and sparkly. “Come lay with us! In Muggle Studies they taught
us about all the normal sea creatures, too bad you missed out. I saw a starfish in real life!
Now, I have relayed the wisdom to Peter and we decided to starfish. Together.”

Remus and Sirius look at one another. “I feel like I’m dreaming,” Sirius mutters. Either way,
he sighs and lays down beside James. “This is so stupid.”

“Don’t break their starfish spirit, now,” Remus jests, sitting on the edge of Peter’s bed.
Listen, he needs the cushion and he’s quite sure Peter has no idea what’s going on.

Remus is not sure how to feel about the different James sides he’s seen the past couple of
weeks. One second he’s rolling on the floor in laughter, and the next he looks ready to sock
him in the jaw for showing some concern for his well-being. Why nab Euphoria Elixir? He
tries not to think about it and instead find amusement in the stupidity of the situation.
 “Oh, I know the song for this!” Sirius announces, pulling out the Queen disc and setting it
straight onto Modern Times Rock ‘N’ Roll. Remus rolls his eyes with a smile, already
knowing it’s for the real big star line.

James blinks hard, giggling some more as the song plays through. Neither him nor Peter have
heard it yet, and bobble their heads around while keeping their starfish position.

“Find a nice little man who says he’s gonna make you a real big star!” Sirius exclaims,
spreading his arms out wider. “C’mon, Moony, join us! Stars in your eyes and ants in your
pants and mmmm, I forgot the rest.”

Remus groans lightly. “Can’t, I’ve got joint pains.”

“Ugh. Screw your joint pains, starfishing is fun. You should be able to starfish too.”

“…You didn’t drink any while I wasn’t looking, right?”

Sirius chuckles. “Nope, just soaking up their good energy.”

Good energy, his arse. Peter looks like he’s just discovered ceilings for the first time.

“Okay,” Remus says, climbing over to his own bed and lying down. “The only energy I will
be getting is from sleeping. But you have fun.”

“Mooony,” James drags. “Can we call you that too, or is it Sirius only?”

Heat trails up his neck onto his cheeks against the pillow. Remus shuts his eyes and sighs.
“Do whatever you’d like.”

If he’s perfectly honest, he likes it being a Sirius thing only. But what the hell is he supposed
to say? No, James, only Sirius gets to call me the fun nickname because I’ve got big queer
feelings in my heart.

Okay.

Remus wraps himself in his blanket and wills himself to sleep amongst the Queen tracks and
giggling from the floor. Surprisingly, it works.

———

Chapter End Notes

A mostly silly chapter yay!

 Fourth Year: Worth
Chapter Summary

Thinking thoughts and partial realizations

Chapter Notes

Words: 4.8k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 5, 1974

The library, newspaper articles, paper visions, Regulus and Pandora across from one another,
it’s quite familiar.

“It’s been a little while,” Pandora comments, sorting through papers. “You look well rested.”

Both statements are true, it’s their first session of the school year and the new barriers in his
mind have mostly stopped the nightmares. Regulus is far from an Occlumency master, but the
few portions he picked up has helped him immensely. His cure was gaining control, there was
never anything really wrong with him other than the prior lack of it. And they’ve not done
this in so long considering how busy the two of them have been.

“I know,” he says simply.

“No, really. You started looking really exhausted last term, I don’t see it now.”

Regulus raises his brows and thins his lips out uncomfortably. “I don’t need flattery for
merely…sleeping at night,” he mutters, scanning through a newer vision. “Sort of the
requirement for existence, no?”

Pandora shrugs, resting her cheek in a fist. “I guess. Or you just can’t take a compliment.”

“I can—“ He huffs and shakes his head. “I’m not having an argument.”

“Seriously?” She gapes. “Wow, maybe you really are different.”

Pandora seems to have changed a fair amount too, she’s just that little bit peppier, not so
stuck in her head either. It makes him shifty, because although he doesn’t mind her not being
so affected by daft Ravenclaw’s comments anymore, it’s a bit much for him.

Her hair is very different too, it no longer sits in those thick twists, but in braids just as
platinum as her natural color. She sent him a letter about the whole lengthy process under the
assumption that it was the sort of thing they tell one another—it isn’t. Either way, Regulus
thinks it’s…nice. He hasn’t told her that, but he also hasn’t said he dislikes it, so maybe she
knows.

“Hardly. Sane might be a better word,” he states, eager to divert the topic. And so he does.
“I’m looking through the last few months of visions, they don’t seem like anything from the
papers. I don’t think I misinterpreted anything, but I guess…I could be wrong.”

Pandora hums, scanning her eyes quickly along the Daily Prophet entries. “No, I’m having
some trouble, too. I think it’s too soon and I’m Seeing further into the future. It only used to
happen pretty rarely, like that one vision you really like. I know that’s far away by how blurry
it was, but these…feel further,” she offers as assurance, but it doesn’t do a very good job.

Regulus shakes his head with a frown. “No, I just think we aren’t looking hard enough.”

“It wouldn’t be the first session where we don’t find anything.”

“I don’t like settling for failure,” he replies firmly. “Keep looking.”

“…Mm. There’s the Regulus I know,” she mumbles rather impolitely. He raises a brow at her
and she shoots him a smile he doesn’t return.

He has to be careful not to slip up. Although, yes, he does have a better grasp on his senses,
most of his concentration goes into keeping it that way. Occlumency is a challenging subset
of magic, and it is quite exhausting to keep walls up all the time. Perhaps this is the reason
Regulus now gets so much rest.

Nonetheless, he tries to keep his interactions with people fairly sparse so as to not distract
him. What if the walls came down and his thoughts wandered, leaving him disoriented and
time-deprived? He’s yet to find a name for the occurrence, but it’s not something he’s dying
to rush a diagnosis for.

Not that he needs one. Regulus is…fine.

“Did you ever figure out the one you like?” Pandora asks, likely just to make conversation.

He shakes his head to say ‘negative’. “If I were to, you would know. I’ve put it on the
backburner, have you had any more dreams like it?”

“If I were to, you would know,” she repeats, a smile playing on her features.

Regulus can’t understand the strange kindness she’s showing him, she normally used to be in
one of her moods and so was he. She’d be upset by something someone said, and he would
sit across from her unsure of what to do about it. It isn’t like he has experience with offering
comfort, the most he ever got was from his inept brother who now loathes him.

But he does not think about it with half his memories barred to keep them down. If he does
think about it, they slip through the cracks and he starts to feel queasy.

There are another twenty minutes of false connections and hopeful suggestions before it
starts feeling like a lost cause. Pandora places her things down with a sigh, and immediately
Regulus can feel her eyes on him. He glances up.

“Now what?”

“I think we need to give up,” she bluntly states. Surprisingly, Regulus almost smiles.

“Lovely.”

Pandora shrugs, mindlessly wrapping one of her braids around her finger. “Well, I do, don’t
look at me like that. The fact of the matter is, we’re not going to find anything. Why don’t we
talk about…something?”

Regulus raises a brow. “…Something?”

“Yeah, like fun stuff.”

“Did you hit your head over the summer?” He questions.

She rolls her eyes, saying, “No. I’m just trying not to push myself like last year, it wasn’t
good for either of us—“

“You don’t know what’s good for me,” Regulus says like a reflex. As soon as he does, he
feels himself falling into bad territory. Pandora recognizes it too, holding him with that look
he can never understand.

The silence that draws out is upsettingly awkward.

Pandora taps her fingers to the table and mutters, “I’m just saying. So, I guess no fun talk,
huh? Mood soured?”

“I really don’t know what you mean by that,” Regulus replies, subconsciously mimicking her
hand movements on the table. He tries to shuffle through what could be considered fun talk,
and comes up with very little. Discussing family stories, maybe. How his interest in the
content they’re constantly analyzing goes further than just looking at it. He wants to be in it.

“Less depressive topics than murders and blood supremacy, maybe,” she suggests.

Regulus doesn’t know what’s depressive about who they are, but the former is…
understandable. He shrugs.

“Okay.”
“Like, I think this fourth year boy in my house is pretty nice,” Pandora says. “I met him
while studying last week.”

“…Okay?”

She sighs. “He’s trying to kickstart this newspaper called the Quibbler for conspiracies and
such.”

Regulus blinks. “Okay.”

Pandora blinks back at him. “You’re not very good at this,” she says.

“What am I meant to say?”

She groans. “Ugh, like wow, that’s interesting! Or tell me more!”

Regulus doesn’t think it’s interesting and he does not want to know more. So he tells her
exactly that.

“I don’t think it’s interesting and I don’t want to know more.”

Pandora places her cheek in her fist and sighs. “You really don’t know how to talk to people.
Fine. What about you then?”

Regulus furrows his brows. “What about me?”

“Anyone you like?”

“Not really,” he replies. “You’re okay.”

“What?” She questions, then shakes her head rapidly. “No, I mean like like, not—well, thank
you. But that’s not what I meant.”

Regulus’ face heats up in embarrassment, which is incredibly rare for him. The last time he
was really embarrassed was the wedding where Sirius attempted to tarnish their reputation.
Something so miniscule shouldn’t make him feel like this.

“Oh,” he mumbles, glancing away.

She smiles at his humiliation for some odd reason. “C’mon, you must feel something under
there, Mr. Apathy.”

“I don’t, though,” Regulus admits, truly not wanting to have a conversation about this. “I
don’t think about it.”

“Really?” Pandora challenges, leaning forward. “Thirteen years old and you’ve never thought
about girls? Or…otherwise?”

“Otherwise?”

Pandora hushes. “…Boys?”

Regulus wrinkles his nose, sitting up straight. “Absolutely not. That’s the fastest way to get
burnt off a family tapestry, my answer to both is no. Pandora, I don’t want to discuss this, it’s
—it’s bizarre and entirely not what I came here for,” he scolds, pushing to his feet and
gathering his belongings. “I don’t know what’s fun about prodding at me—“

“I’m trying to teach you how to be friends with somebody,” she reasons, matching his
height.

“Have I not made it clear that I don’t want to be?” He argues. He’s slipping, practically
feeling the cracks form in every wall behind his eyes. “I’m trying to be sane, but you make it
very difficult.”

Pandora huffs a breath. “Well perhaps you aren’t, then, it shouldn’t exactly be an arduous
task. But neither am I, I see the future and you skip to it, that’s our thing.”

Regulus briefly presses his palms to his eyes and groans, breathing very slowly. Keep it under
control. One step back unravels everything, stand firmly and let it hit, do not budge.

“Regulus,” she says, and he can hear her footsteps drawing closer. He pulls his hands off his
face and takes a step back. “Come on, I hardly said anything.”

He doesn’t skip to the future, Regulus is trying not to lose his mind.

He glares at her warily.

“One meeting with you and what I’ve had under control for three months nearly breaks,” he
says. Pandora’s giving him that look, and he curls his lip at it. “You’ve pretty much said it
before, you know exactly where to prod to get me where you want—is this—? Is this where
you want me?”

“Regulus, I just want to know who you are,” she admits with a weak shrug. “It’s been three
years and I thought maybe a silly meaningless conversation could get me somewhere. It’s not
prodding, I’m just trying to talk with you. Is that so bad?”

He frowns, pulling his bag over his shoulder. “This isn’t what I do. I don’t do meaningless
conversations. What I need is to do something productive, otherwise what good am I?”

“What good are you?” Pandora repeats, eyes wide. She’s fairly hushed to not disturb others,
but he can still hear the anger in her voice. “I’m sure you could find out if you actually tried ,
but you’re just stubborn! I give you so much and get so little. How do you think that makes
me feel?”

“I don’t care how you feel.”

“You don’t care about anything!” She stresses. “You’re my only real friend and you don’t
even like me. Sometimes I wonder what happened to make you bitter and mean because you
couldn’t have been born this way, you are far too sensitive for that.”

“Pandora—“
“Shut up, Regulus,” she scowls. “You’ve got this big bad shell but you’re like glass. You spit
out these mean things all the time, but the moment anyone says anything back, you totally
lose it!”

There are only a few others here, but they take notice of their argument and turn their heads
to not-so-subtly tune in. Regulus glances around and swallows a lump in his throat.

“I want to keep talking to you,” Pandora says, “but despite ‘doing better’, you’re still not a
good person. I mean, you punched my brother in the face and I forgave you, what am I
doing?”

Regulus clenches his jaw and says nothing. His walls are still up, if he puts his focus into
anything else, he’ll fall apart in front of these people.

“You really have nothing to say to me?”

He shakes his head, blinking rapidly and turning to leave without a glance back. Pandora’s
following him, but his voice to protest is failing him. Regulus retreats to that spot under the
stairs he found Sirius and the mudblood girl in a few years ago.

Arriving, he faces away from her and breathes wetly.

“So you do feel things,” Pandora says like it’s some accomplishment that Regulus’ eyes are
stinging. “If I knew my first look at you as an actual human being was saying how sensitive
you really are, I would’ve done this two years ago—“

There’s a crack in the wall. Something slips through.

Regulus must have performed some spell because his wand is out and Pandora is on the floor
—not injured, but ruffled isn’t exactly the word either. She pushes up to her feet slowly,
dazed, as all he does is feel a single wet drop on his cheek that he shakily wipes away.

Finally, he’s found his voice. “I think you’re the reason I’m losing my mind,” he accuses,
tone dark. “You’ve been trying to get in my head this whole time like some science project,
pushing and pushing, you never stop pushing me—are you even what you say you are?!”

“You know I am.”

“Why me?” Regulus interrogates. “You could’ve chosen anyone else to tell. Why me?”

It’s Pandora’s turn to be lost for words, sputtering out some weak excuse. “I…Regulus, it’s—
it’s nothing! I saw you and I wanted to know you. I still do.”

“Why?”

She takes too long to answer, and Regulus frowns deeply, anger boiling his blood.

“I just think it’s really hypocritical of you to say I’m treating you like a science project,”
Pandora deflects. “What do you think all of this has been? And you need to stop giving me
that look.”
Regulus doesn’t stop and lowers his brows further. “When did you get so assertive?”

“Since I realized I’m actually worth something,” she retorts, crossing her arms. “You might
not believe it—“

“I’ve never not believed that,” he says. “You’re a valuable asset.”

Pandora scoffs. “Lovely. When are you going to address me as the only person who cares
enough to give you the time of day instead of some object?”

For someone who considers his strong suit his words, Regulus is at a loss for them for the
second time. His eyes lose their fire, but he can’t find a sentence to latch onto.

“I don’t want to argue anymore, and you look tired of it too. Here’s the hard truth,” she
continues, “You need me, I need you. I’ve said it, now you say it.”

“What? No.”

“If you say it, I’ll forgive you for using Everte Statum on me just like I forgave you for
hitting my brother.”

Regulus rolls his eyes, wondering how this conversation has suddenly gotten even dumber.
“Absolutely not, it’s not true, so why would I say that? I don’t need you.”

“Right,” she grumbles. “Who else do you speak to? Your cousin?”

“You’re my cousin too…?”

“Hardly,” Pandora says. “Your parents are five times more related than I am to you.”

Regulus wrinkles his nose. “Terrific…I’m not saying it, we’re meeting back in the library in
two weeks whether you like it or not, and you won’t ask me stupid questions anymore or
have any fun conversations.”

Pandora purses her lips, eyeing him up. “You need me.”

“I don’t.”

“I’ll see you in Divination on Monday,” she smiles, then leaves him alone in the corridor
bewildered.

———

OCTOBER 10, 1974

Sitting nice and round before Peter is a cloudy crystal ball on a stand, and shapes swirl
around the fragile thing. He glances to his left and his right, finding the seats empty.

He shouldn’t be so annoyed by none of his friends continuing Divination, but he is. Everyone
else in this class has someone to sit with. It’s that sort of isolating feeling like you’re
embarrassed just to be sitting there in the same room as everyone else.

The class is doing a more in depth version of crystal-gazing than they did last term, but that’s
not something that would’ve encouraged the others to join up again. Sirius and James had
just been cracking jokes while Remus looked disinterested.

At least he still shares Care for Magical Creatures with Sirius and Remus, the latter actually
looks like he enjoys it. But Sirius is annoying about getting dirty, and he has no idea why
James stopped. Either way, it’s nice to have one friend there. Perhaps Remus likes it so much
since he is one of them and it’s some sort of ‘understanding kin’ thing.

Anyway, Professor Elms is trying to get them to see their future, but Peter is having a handful
of trouble. He’s too distracted by his current loneliness to clear his mind and see anything. In
the past he got little glimpses of something that would happen the next day, but currently all
he sees is the swirling sphere.

Peter sighs, looking to see if anyone else is preoccupied like him, but it doesn’t look like it.
Dorcas and Alice are scribing their answers and the Ravenclaws look busy enough. Professor
Elms is gazing into her own crystal ball and about every ten minutes loudly pronounces what
she sees. She’s certainly an odd woman.

He hopes his inability to do the task right today is actually because of his pensive mood and
not a lack of skill.

Over the summer, he’d been waiting to see a single sign of magic in his sister, Felicity. She’s
turning eight soon, and not for a moment did he see accidental charms or jinxes from sour
moods or the opposite. His dad doesn’t really understand it given that he’s a muggle, so he
assumes she’s just a late bloomer. Peter was a late bloomer, and he started showing signs at
six.

If Felicity doesn’t manage to show soon…well.

She would be completely heartbroken at not being able to be like her mum and brother. And
Peter would hate having a squib for a sister, because what does that make him? Half a
failure.

Does it by proxy make him a weaker wizard? It sure as hell makes his family look like a joke,
that’s for certain.

Peter also knows Sirius has detached himself from the majority of his family’s beliefs, but
squibs have never been a topic of discussion. What if he still holds a distaste for them the
same way most wizards, but especially every sacred pureblood family does? He knows the
look in Sirius’ eyes when he dislikes someone for what they are — like Lily back in first
year, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
It’s the last thing Peter would want, to be judged by all his friends like that. Felicity cannot
humiliate him like this, she’s been causing him enough trouble over the years.

———

This class is soooo boring now

- Marls

Dorcas raises a brow at the folded note that’s just fluttered over to her desk from behind her.
Marlene’s using her quill like a feather duster a couple seats down, eyes completely distant.

She’s right, unfortunately. Professor Fury is quite similar to their first Defense professor,
fumbly and lacking charisma to make an interesting class…interesting. The worst part is,
Dorcas already knows the vast majority of every lesson, so Defense has become a class for
sitting and thinking.

Except for right now where she scribbles back a response and sends it over: Too right.

The next note comes by quickly.

Of course you’d agree, I haven’t seen you write a single note the whole term.

Why would I? Lazarus taught me everything already.

Lazarus?

Ainsworth.

Ohhh. First name basis?

Yeah, he told me to. We spent a lot of time together, so it made sense.

The next reply takes a good minute to make its way to her, and for a moment Dorcas assumed
their conversation was over.

Do you miss him at all? Must be weird for you now he’s gone.
She purses her lips at the paper, tapping her quill against it. Professor Fury has made Lazarus’
absence feel like there’s a gaping hole in the wall that no one’s bothering to fix up. Only he
would, and he’s not here. He’s…somewhere else. Not here for her, that’s where.

When her anger is getting the best of her, Dorcas has nowhere to go and no one to talk to. No
one would get it, because he was the only one who really saw her.

Even when he made her feel bad, she knows it was to make her better, and she is now.

But he’s not here anymore.

All Dorcas writes is:

Yeah.

OCTOBER 12, 1974

“Hey, are you okay?”

Dorcas blinks, looking to her side and finding Mary with her eyes full of concern.

“Uh, hey,” she mumbles, clearing her throat and sitting straight. “Yeah, why?”

Mary thins her lips. “Because you’ve been sitting like that for probably ten minutes. Hardly
blinking, too.”

“…Oh.”

“Mm.”

Dorcas taps her feet on the ground, unable to really answer her friend. She’s doing it again,
spacing out and thinking about what she could be doing. He probably would’ve been
teaching her about the other Unforgivables, and she can’t fathom why it’s something she
longs for. Maybe it’s just him.

“Well,” she says, “It’s nothing really, I just um…I’m thinking.”

Mary chuckles quietly. “Okay, so it’s one of those things. I’d guess, but I can’t think of
anything right now.”

Dorcas gives her a raised brow then shakes her head amusedly. “I think you wouldn’t be very
happy with what it really is. You always disapproved, I could tell,” she admits, and suddenly
it’s clear Mary understands.
“Oh. You’re not…you’re not all spaced out because of Ainsworth, are you?”

She says his name like an insult, something to curl your lip at in disdain. Dorcas hasn’t the
faintest idea why Mary dislikes him so much, he was a fantastic teacher and everyone else
thinks so. She told Mary that he was like a father to her, so her insistence to be repulsed just
upsets Dorcas.

“Come off it,” she replies with an eye roll. “Just because you didn’t like him doesn’t mean I
have to hate him too.”

Mary frowns. “No, I liked him. He was a good teacher. I didn’t like how he treated you,
though. It was bad for you.”

“What do you know?” Dorcas pushes to her feet in rapid climbing frustration. “You weren’t
there.”

“Wow alright…he had you overworking yourself for months, Dor! You never even told us
what you were doing, but obviously it was important enough that you needed to be doing it
three days a week on top of actual classes.”

“It was important to me!” She exclaims suddenly, and Mary stands too, maybe in shock. “I
was somebody, and I feel totally useless right now! I joined Quidditch to see if I could be
good at something else, but I’m just slightly above average. If there was a single better
option, I wouldn’t have even made it,” Dorcas rants, moving into a pace. “What he gave me,
I was good at it. I was really good, Mary.”

Mary sighs, shrugging helplessly. “You don’t need to be the best at everything, okay?”

“No, I don’t,” Dorcas says quietly. “But I was the best at this one thing. Just one. And people
like us, we don’t get to be the best, you know that. I was told I was someone special, am I
meant to forget about that?”

The girl is silent, and Dorcas thinks maybe she’s won the argument. Before she can make out
a response, the door is opened by a tired looking Lily with a couple textbooks in hand.
Somehow, she seems unaware of her interruption and begins to put her things away.

Dorcas glances back at Mary, whose entire demeanor has changed like a switch. She’s
watching Lily’s back warily, almost…alarmed? Breathing shallower, she looks back at
Dorcas and says, “I’ve gotta go.”

That grabs Lily’s attention then, who only manages to catch her rushing out the door. She
blinks rapidly and huffs before getting back to what she was doing.

Dorcas’ eyes shade in confusion. “Uh,” she starts daftly. “Are you two arguing?”

Lily pushes to her feet and closes her trunk harshly. “No, actually. You’d think we were,
though, the way she’s acting.”

She supposes friendship gossip can take her mind off everything for a moment. She really is
taking every opportunity she can get to put it on the backburner, but thinking about her
purpose and usefulness is just so tiring.

“…And how is that?” She questions. “I feel like I missed something. She was fine—or…
well, she was normal enough a moment ago.”

Lily groans, sitting on the edge of her bed’s mattress. “You know, I would definitely tell you
if I could. I don’t think I’m a fan of secrets anymore.”

Okay, Dorcas definitely missed something , but she has no idea what it is. Something with
Lily and Mary, but they’ve been acting the same for months. There was a moment a few
weeks ago where Lily stormed out of the Great Hall, but she seemed fine right after. She tries
to piece something together, but there is so little to work with she can’t even make half a
puzzle.

“I mean…you can tell me, technically. I know I’m a bit of a gossip, but I wouldn’t tell
anyone if it’s serious.”

She shakes her head, pursing her lips sadly. “I can’t. And it’s not a you thing, no one knows.
Not Alice, or Remus, or—or Severus, or anybody that I talk to has a clue.”

For some reason, Dorcas thinks back to her conversation with Marlene from not so long ago.

“I’m the only one you’ve told?”

“Who else am I supposed to tell?”

And she doesn’t have a clue why it’s the first thought her head runs to, but she looks at Lily
and finds that she has the same distant eyes Marlene did. Like she’s lost in her head and
choosing her words carefully.

Now, she has doubts about Mary’s interests lying in that direction, but Lily? She’s not so
sure. With any suggestion made about her dating one of the boys, Lily gets put off. It’s one
grand assumption, but maybe Lily likes Mary and told her, and Mary is like Cynthia. Dorcas
frowns.

She hopes not. Mary is one of her closest friends despite the spat they just had, and the
possibility makes her queasy. What else would Lily need to keep to herself like this?

“Maybe you should talk to Marlene,” Dorcas blurts.

Lily looks up through her lashes, furrowing her brows. “How come?”

She stammers out, “I think…I just think you should. She’s good at advice, and even if you
won’t tell her either, she’s um…she’s understanding.”

Lily doesn’t seem fully convinced of her truthfulness, but nods slowly. “Sure…uh…I’ll think
about it.”

Her assumption may be wrong, it could be anything really. But Dorcas is quite sure of herself
right now, even if she doesn’t want to be. That look on Mary’s face…like she’s scared of
 being in the same room as her. That’s exactly what Marlene had been describing.

Mary having any kind of hate in her heart carves into her chest and makes it feel quite
hollow. With what she’s experienced in both the wizarding and muggle world, it just doesn’t
make any sense. She must know how unjustified hatred makes a person feel.

These aren’t exactly the thoughts she wanted to replace her feelings of abandonment with.

Dorcas leaves quite abruptly to see if she can find Mary and either continue their argument or
start up a whole new one. She finds her quickly, she’s down in the common room talking with
Sirius, a slightly discontented Remus at his side. Dorcas watches from above, and any
remnants of all that happened before are absent.

Instead, Mary looks so at ease that it appears plastic. Dorcas knows what she really looks like
when she’s happy, and that’s not it. Has she been missing any other signs because she’s been
caught up with her own problems?

It isn’t like Dorcas thinks of herself as selfish now for only being able to think of the one
person who thought she was important, but she feels like she’s neglected the people around
her. Lily and Mary have apparently had something troublesome going on and she had no
idea, even if it’s some ‘secret’ like Lily implied. Dorcas should notice something like that.

But despite all that she’s uncovered, she decides not to confront either one of them. Perhaps
Lazarus would be disappointed in her for that, saying something like backing down is a bad
look for someone like you. Or maybe he’d tell her it was a good strategy and watching
something unravel from the sidelines is the intelligent move. Gather information from silent
observation.

Godric, what is she thinking? This is about two of her close friends in a tough spot, not an
investigation for Dorcas to pick apart.

And yet, she still doesn’t tell anyone what she’s figured out. It would likely be better to keep
it to herself in the long run.

———

Chapter End Notes

These kids can’t stop thinking about what purpose they serve like idk you’re 14 tone it
down. Kidding. Anyway, I hope you liked this one :) smile
 Fourth Year: Bound
Chapter Summary

Sirius is bound to many things; his family, that house, his future, and fear. Maybe
pretending he doesn’t care is the better alternative.

Chapter Notes

Words: 5.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 20, 1974

This whole mandrake leaf situation is quite a bother. Sirius rolls the wet thing around his
tongue, laying down—or starfishing, as James has coined—on his bed. It’s gross to eat
around, it’s gross to feel all the time. It’s just gross. He’s getting more used to it, but he is also
almost always aware of its presence.

After James’s slip up before the first day even ended, he’s been much more careful.
Surprisingly, Peter hasn’t messed it up yet and had to start over. Perhaps it’s because he
doesn’t snack as much anymore, less opportunity to swallow the thing. Sirius has never been
a huge snack eater, but James definitely is, so he’s been having trouble with that too.

Either way, Remus has somehow been none the wiser and chalked up their strange behavior
to just…being themselves. So really, being total klutzes most of the time actually ended up
working in their favor.

Currently James is out with Peter getting things in order for the next step. Chances are
they’re raiding Slughorn’s office for phials under the invisibility cloak. It’s nice to know
James’s whereabouts and that his absence is something he knows about this time, so long as
he doesn’t nab some stupid potion and get pseudo-high again. Despite the amusement he got,
Remus made him aware of why it might not be such a great thing.

He doesn’t understand his behavior anymore, and he could go over it a million times on how
strange it is. James is such a constant, and if he can’t be at his best all the time, then nothing
is truly permanent, is it?
Pushing that thought to the very far corners of his mind, Sirius listens along to the Bowie
album Remus has spinning. It’s not the one he recognizes, so it isn’t Ziggy Stardust.

Across the room, Remus lays on his stomach with a book open — the same one he read
nearly a month ago, but he’s back near the beginning again. Sirius mimics him, settling down
on his chest, tucking his chin over his arms to observe his friend’s quiet concentration.

He looks so engrossed in it, Sirius wishes he could keep his focus on something long enough
to not put it down and never pick it up again. The next page is held between two nimble
fingers like he’s eager to get there, and for some reason that makes a small smile rest across
his face.

It feels like there is a bubble surrounding them, locking Sirius into this little universe where
outside the door is void and inside is Remus.

“What book is that?” He asks sincerely to grab the attention of the only other one in the
bubble.

When Remus glances up, his face goes a bit red from what seems like embarrassment.

“Lily gave me this one,” Remus says, showing off the pale cover. “Pride and Prejudice.”

“Hm,” Sirius hums, pressing his cheek into his wrist. “What’s it about?”

Remus chuckles and glances back at it. “Good question. Uh…I’d say it’s about how it’s best
not to judge people before knowing them. Lily says it’s about how love can change a person
and…also the patriarchy. I’ve yet to get a third opinion.”

“Is this reread for the third opinion?”

“Could be. I also just liked the book.”

“Fair enough,” he mumbles. “What’s happening where you’re at now?”

Remus bites back a little smile. “Elizabeth and Darcy are meeting at the ball.”

“Ooh, I’ve had those,” Sirius remarks. “Last one I was at, Malfoy proposed to my cousin like
a big twat. What’s going on with them, then?”

“I could just give you the book to read,” he offers kindly.

Sirius shakes his head. “No, I want you to tell me. I’m saving a lot of time here, I can tell
everyone I’ve read this book when it was all you. Let me guess, they fall in love?”

Another sweet smile and flush covers Remus’s face, and Sirius cocks his head teasingly.
“Hmm? I’m right, aren’t I, Moony? That was pretty easy.”

Remus shrugs, just watching him now. “It’s not just about the end result, you impatient prat.
It’s about the journey. Like…Shakespeare.”
“My family hates Shakespeare.”

“Really?” Remus says. “Thought he would be right up their alley. Other than the romance
aspect, I suppose. But y’know, the whole cynical ‘what was the point’ ‘they all die anyway’
sort of thing.”

He barks a laugh. “Godric! Well, I’m glad you think so highly of me. Listen, if I die, it’ll
have a point, I’m sure of that.”

“If?”

“Yeah, Dumbledore’s gotta be like three-hundred, I think I’ve got it good,” Sirius jests,
turning onto his back and hanging off the edge of his bed. “But nah, my family is all about
legacies and heirs and getting married at eighteen to someone I could find on the tapestry and
blah blah blah. I don’t know Shakespeare, maybe that’s similar. It’s miserable though, so that
could also be what you meant.”

There’s a pregnant pause in the room that makes Sirius lift his blood-rushed head back up to
find Remus eyeing him.

“What?”

“I didn't mean it like that,” he says quietly, guiltily.

Sirius waves him off with a stiff laugh. “Ah, come off it, I don’t care. Not really. I’m sort of
doomed in that regard, but I’ll deal with it when the time comes. I’m sure I’m not the first to
be in this position, I have a lot of relatives.”

Other than Andromeda who chose to run away instead of marrying in the family against her
will, of course. Remus’ attention is entirely off the book now, which is funny considering
how much focus he had on it before. It’s like it doesn’t even exist anymore.

“Sirius, you know you don’t have to, right?”

“Uh—well, no. I do,” he denies, but not happily. “I mean, am I supposed to tell them no?
Sorry Mother and Father, I’ve decided I will eliminate your bloodline because I’m not really
in the mood. They’ll take that very well.”

Remus frowns deeply. “There’s still your brother if you don’t want it.”

He wrinkles his nose a bit like Regulus would and grimaces. “Nah. They’ll always have
preferred it to be me. And even then, there’s still me getting disowned like Andromeda did. I
can't just…I dunno. It’s—“ Sirius’ heart lodges itself in his throat and he blinks quickly, eyes
distant. “I’m going to James’ this Christmas and I can’t help but wonder if it’ll be the final
straw for them. And y’know, during the summer I thought about what they would do if I
disappeared, but I couldn’t figure it out.”

Sirius knows he’s ruined it again and upset Remus, he always does this. It’s that stupid habit
where he overshares and then he can’t look at him anymore.
And he still can’t stop.

“That was before I broke my leg, and among other things, I just took it as a sign. I’m bound
to that house.” Sirius pauses. “Sorry.”

“…What are you apologizing for?”

Sirius suspects when he does die, it’ll be in that house.

“You already know.”

Remus does, clearly, by the pitying look on his face. He probably doesn’t mean for it to be
there considering how much he hates getting one of those in return.

“You didn't ruin anything,” he says kindly. “Believe me, nothing you’ve ever done has made
me think the conversation was tarnished or…made me think less of you.”

Sirius’ chest twists into a knot as the two seem to hold one another in their gazes. “Really?”

“Mhm. I think you’d be surprised how—“ Remus inhales, maybe for courage, “How highly I
think of you.”

His words don’t help the tightness in his center, and Sirius can’t tell if he likes it or not. He
probably should, considering the high compliment he’s just been given. He should…maybe
hug him, or thank him, or do more than just stare like time doesn’t exist.

“Um, that’s…” he breathes, “that’s cool.” Sirius turns away and busies his hands. “Really,
um…”

The door swings open and the bubble bursts. Suddenly, the universe has expanded and James
and Peter are a part of it. Remus greets them, but Sirius doesn’t, still taken aback by what
Remus just said. The two of them discreetly hide a few cloak-hidden-phials in James’ trunk
then act completely normal afterwards. Why is Sirius the only one feeling strange?

He lies down to clear his head and breathe, because for some reason that’s a task too. Even
with all of his fuck ups, Remus still thinks highly of him. Even during all of their bumps, his
opinion of him never faltered.

Sirius smiles to himself. It almost makes him want to blurt out what he’s doing for him right
now, but he won’t. It’ll ruin the surprise.

OCTOBER 22, 1974

The next time Sirius gets to talk to Remus alone is a couple of days later before Arithmancy.
Both of them don’t have a class yet, James is in Ancient Runes—which he pretends doesn’t
bother him. It does. But Sirius doesn’t have anything until Potions later, so he follows his
friend around for a while.

Remus seems quite content with him tagging along for a trip to the library, albeit surprised
that he so easily knows his way around. Sirius isn’t going to tell him how much time he spent
here with James last year.

“Did you finish the other book already?” Sirius questions, leaning back against a bookshelf
as Remus scans through the spines.

“It’s not very long,” he says absentmindedly. “I gave it back to Lily, so I need something
else.”

Sirius hums, glancing around at the hundreds of books in the fiction aisle. “You won’t have
much trouble, I’m sure.”

“Trust me, I’m pretty picky.”

“I know that.”

Remus laughs quietly, pulls out a book to read the blurb, then frowns and lets it fly back into
place. “I’d ask for recommendations, but…”

“Oi, watch it,” he jokingly warns. “I’d read more if I could focus long enough. It’s only
worked out with an end goal in mind.”

“Such as?”

You, he thinks, but obviously he can’t reveal that yet.

“Well, I dunno. Don’t put me on the spot.”

“Wouldn’t dare.”

They lapse into an easy silence, one where Sirius can just watch Remus look bored by half
the book descriptions before moving onto the next. He doesn’t look at him back, which
would have worried him on a bad day. But Sirius feels okay right now.

“Are you sure you wanna stay here?” Remus asks. “I feel like this is probably boring for
you.”

Sirius shrugs. “I’m alright. I’ve got nowhere better to be.”

“Really? You have other friends who do much more entertaining stuff than this,” he
continues, but doesn’t stop scanning up and down the aisle.

“Do I? There’s James, who’s in class, Frank, who’s probably also in class, Peter, and…well
I’d count Mary as a friend now. But you’re my friend more, so you’ve beaten her out.”
Remus raises a brow, mostly hidden with his back turned. “So that’s how you feel about her.”

Sirius blinks confusedly. “Huh?”

“Well, I think it’s nice,” he says. “You should probably tell her that, though.”

“…Tell her what?”

Remus glances over his shoulder for a moment to say, “That you’re only friends.”

It doesn’t help to clear up his confusion, and Sirius steps away from the bookshelf he’s been
leaning upon to angle himself at Remus’ side. “What else would we be? She’s sweet, I think
she’s good company in our boring ghouls class. I mean—I joke around sometimes, but I do
that with everyone.”

“…Ah,” he mumbles, hands stilling from wandering further. “Telling her is a good idea.”

“But I don’t understand, why would I need to tell her that?”

Remus gives him this look like he’s a bit daft, and it makes Sirius want a hole in his chest.

“Because she fancies you. It’s really obvious, Lily thinks so too,” Remus says, then gets back
to what he was doing. Meanwhile, Sirius freezes.

He can’t help the disappointment that seeps into his blood and makes him grow cold. “Oh,”
he mumbles.

“Yeah, sorry to drop that on you. You can always just tell her what you really think, it’s no
big deal,” he states like it’s a comment about the weather. At Sirius’ silence, he looks back. “I
didn’t upset you, did I?”

“Uh…” He tries to mumble. “I mean…no. It’s just.” It’s hard to get the words in his head to
form a coherent sentence. “I thought…” For once someone could’ve just been his friend, and
he wouldn’t have to worry about if they wanted to have him or not. Girls still look at him, but
he’s gotten better at ignoring it. He supposes this oversight is the end result of that.

“I wanted a friend,” Sirius finishes lamely.

Remus goes quiet.

A worse thought melts into his thought process and hardens into a thick shell that just sticks.

“I should ask her out then, shouldn’t I?”

Remus’ brows furrow deep. “No, that’s not what that means. You don’t like her like that, you
just said.”

“No, but…” Sirius sighs. “She’s nice. I could…I could probably like her.”
“Yeah, and that’s not how you go about things, we went over this with Mayumi already,”
Remus grumbles. “You didn’t like her, you dated her, and you still never did. I shouldn’t
have…should’ve just kept quiet, I thought you knew,” he finishes softly.

Sirius doesn’t know why he feels guilty for not noticing it. He always looks for the tell-tale
sign of giggles or excuses to touch him, but she never did any of them. He assumed they were
going to be something similar to how Remus and Lily are friends.

“What if she asks me out first? I couldn’t just…you know how weird I would look if I said
no?” He rattles on, moving into a pace. “Mary’s a pretty girl, very pretty. I can’t reject her,
that would be embarrassing for both of us!”

“Maybe it would be, but that’s not a reason to trap yourself in another thing you don’t want.”

“Who says I don’t?” Sirius retorts, crossing his arms and taking a step back.

“You do—“

“I wouldn’t be trapping myself either, I—I’m not some stupid animal.”

Remus looks at him sadly. “I didn’t say you are. I just want you to breathe and think before
jumping into something new. I don’t think you realize how impulsive you get sometimes,” he
articulates, attention entirely off the books he was just scanning.

Sirius frowns, diverting his eyes to the stone floor. “What else am I meant to do? I’ve got to
do everything now or else I’m…I’m wasting time.”

“And what does dating a girl you have no interest in have to do with?” Remus challenges.
“We could go do something fun and enjoy ourselves instead, invite James and Peter and
sneak off or—or anything else! C’mon just…”

He takes a step closer and Sirius stays rooted where he stands.

“Promise me you’ll at least wait to see how you feel,” Remus says. “We both don’t like
arguing, and I’ve also got class soon and don’t want to leave with both of us annoyed.” When
Sirius takes too long to respond, he shrugs out a weak, “Please?”

Unfortunately the display makes a smile twitch onto his face even when he tries to bite it
back. “Okay,” he mumbles. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good,” he says, reaching out to perhaps pat him on the arm, but it only makes it halfway.
Remus lowers it. “I’ll um…I’ll find a book another time, I’m not in a rush here.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” Sirius says, falling back into their regular rhythm. The two start to move
through the shelves to the exit. “Y'know, early in first year I thought you were spending
multiple days in the library during Moony time.”

Remus furrows his brows amusedly. “What? Like…day and night?”

“Mhm.”
“You’re ridiculous.”

OCTOBER 25, 1974

Knowing what he knows, it makes class with Mary just a bit more awkward. He liked
messing with her as a joke because it was easy and they mixed pretty well. It was nice for the
month and a half he was blissfully unaware. Now…Sirius feels like he’s leading her on.

Because here’s the thing, she’s completely gorgeous, and he’s not going to pretend she isn’t.
Mary has these tight curls she likes to play with and a sweet laugh that would make anyone’s
insides feel warm. She’s got some snark, but it never comes across as rude to him. There’s a
good chance the girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.

Only, he was so stuck on their simple friendship that it’s hard for his brain to move on.

With Marlene and Mayumi it was pretty easy to think of it as romantic, he wasn’t really
friends with either of them beforehand. After their failed date and the fact that he’s now
friendlier with Marlene, any kind of romanticism with her is completely gone. And then
dating Mayumi for…four months? After their breakup her name has hardly made its way into
his thoughts again.

Maybe that’s just the way it is, and maybe that makes his imminent hand being forced into
marriage better. There’s a chance he’ll hardly know who she is, so Sirius can cope with
having to sign all those documents and making kids and that. It would be a very different
situation if he had to marry someone like Lily, he knows her. It would just be awkward the
way he is now sitting beside Mary.

A note is slid over to his desk.

You’re totally spaced out right now - M

Sirius reads it with pursed lips and glances to his side to find Mary acting like she’s paying
attention to the class. His heart picks up and his lungs do that thing where they feel blocked
off. What does he say? ‘Sorry, I was busy thinking about how much I don't want to date you’,
doesn’t sound like a very good response.
Quickly he scribbles out: Bored.

Very interesting response. Binns is quite boring, isn’t he?

Yep

Uhh you okay?

Yes

Mary seems put off by his replies and makes a pouty sort of face to herself while reading. He
hates to make her upset, but he’s in a tough spot. Sirius doesn’t want to tell her what Remus
told him to say, but he doesn’t want to date her either. He could just…pretend he has no idea
what’s going on and maybe she’ll move on.

Are you sure? You look a bit sick too

Do I?

Yeah

That’s one way to talk to a bloke

Oopsie.

Sirius rubs his eyes to hide the little smile daring to form. She’s still funny.

You should focus on the class.

Mary pulls out another paper and starts to scribble on it.

Needed another page, out of room. I’m bored too :)

Nothing I can do.

It’s a bland and bordering on rude reply, but he can’t sit here any longer. The class ends soon
and Sirius wants to get out, honestly. It’s such a terrible thought, but talking to Mary knowing
what she wants just upsets him. He meant it when he said he just wanted a girl friend who
likes him the way his other friends do. Someone he doesn’t need to worry about all the time
but they can still have fun together. He doesn’t think dating is for him. It just feels like a
chore.

Really, he dreads the day for if Mary ever gets some courage, because he’d have to go with it
for a few months and then promptly destroy what they have.

There really is something wrong with him, James never talks like this.

The moment class ends, Sirius is out the door and across the hall to catch Remus by the wrist
and pull him along. The protesting lasts about two seconds before he just follows, which he’s
quite thankful for.

Once they’re in a more secluded spot, Remus sighs. “What’s going on?”

“I didn’t tell her.”

“…Okay?” He says. “I didn’t mean you had to do it the moment you saw each other again.”

Sirius nods, pulling his hands through his hair. “I know. I know. But this shouldn’t freak me
out so much, Mary’s such a nice girl!”

“You’re not gonna be interested in every girl who’s nice to you,” Remus points out, which
should sound right, only it doesn’t.

“I’m not! There are plenty of girls who are nice to me and I’ve only really gone out with one
of them,” Sirius rambles. “See, James indulges them without actually dating them and he
seems fine about it. And then there’s me, I must look like a total moron. Peter’s better at this
than me!”

Remus shrugs lamely, already appearing at a loss for what to say. Despite that, he actually
says quite a lot. “I think it’s because Peter doesn’t rush it, he was talking to Emmeline for a
while before they kissed, and I still don’t think they’re dating yet. You, on the other hand,
roped yourself into a committed relationship at fourteen and didn’t know what to do about
it.”

“I—“ He stammers. “I did not! This is different because I know Mary.”

“…Sirius, I’m not sure I understand.”

Sirius sighs raggedly, unsure if he even wants to explain his train of thought during class.
Remus will think of him as some head case and that’s the last thing he wants, other than a
relationship with Mary on his shoulders. So he sort of…gives up.

“Let’s do something else!” He announces abruptly. “Like you said, we can

gooo….somewhere!”

Remus blinks rapidly at the conversation switch equivalent to a slap in the face, and Sirius
just hopes he gives in and stops asking questions.
“Okay…” Remus drags. “Where then?”

“Oh, I don’t know! But no more classes for the day, let's just go!”

Sirius reaches out and grabs Remus by the wrist to pull him along again—not too roughly,
he’s not trying to injure him here. There’s just something he likes about being completely up
in Remus’ space since he doesn’t complain about it. James is like that with him, so it’s fun
having his own person who just accepts it.

It doesn’t last that long since Remus catches up and it must look a bit strange to outsiders, so
they detach but keep close throughout their whole journey. Somehow they both know where
they’re going already, another Hogsmeade trip for just the two of them. The sun hasn’t set yet
so there will still be people out, but what does it matter?

Sirius lifts the large mirror up with a flourish. “After you,” he gestures, to which Remus
ducks to step inside.

“Always the gentleman.” It’s a silly callback, and Sirius laughs while he follows after him.

“I’m just too kind!”

Remus has a little skip in his step despite how close it is to the full moon, and it reminds
Sirius of the dumb wet leaf on the side of his mouth. Soon.

“Are you not worried about people seeing us?” Remus asks.

Sirius shrugs. “Not particularly. If I did, I wouldn’t have suggested it. Actually,” he says,
pulling off his tie and dropping it in the tunnel, “That’ll make us look more normal, yeah?”

He nods and undoes his own tie to leave it behind. “Hate to leave it in the dirt.”

“Oh, please.”

Remus narrows his eyes. “Don’t mock me.”

He beams, lightly bumping his shoulder. “Wouldn’t dare!”

The trip is fast like usual, and when they approach the wood above, Sirius gasps.

“Arm up, Lupin!” He exclaims before reaching up to graze the planks with the pads of his
fingers, wand no longer needed.

“You’re not gonna be very happy,” Remus mumbles. He repeats Sirius’ action and lands at
nearly the same spot as him.

He what?!

Sirius’ eyes turn into saucers and for the first time this term really examines Remus. Has his
brain been playing a trick on him this whole time or did his friend just become his equal five
seconds ago?
“What.”

Remus grimaces, bringing his arm back down. “Tough luck, Sirius.”

He stands there frozen and gaping because for some reason this is a horrific discovery to him.
“No—! But…? But you were just at my shoulders!”

“Yeah, when we were eleven, maybe,” Remus says with snark.

“This isn’t right,” he grumbles. “C’mere.”

Before Remus can reply, Sirius tugs him by the shoulders which elicits quite the shocked
reaction. He pulls his wand from his pocket and holds one end up to the top of his forehead
and presses the other end to Remus’.

It’s not a great angle to tell if the wand is angling down or not, Sirius is going a bit cross
eyed.

“We need a third person for this I think,” he mutters, glancing back at Remus, who hasn't
been watching the wand at all in his peripheral. “Or you could at least pretend to care.”

Remus shrugs, cheeks red and lips pursed with eyes that can’t seem to settle in one spot. “I…
I care.”

“Okay , so…maybe if I…” Sirius lifts his hand side-by-side with the wand at the exact angle
then steps away, wand clattering to the ground.

“Aha!” He cheers. “It’s angled down at your side!”

Remus side-steps and knits his brows together. “What is that? Half a centimeter? You’re
gonna boast about that?”

“Obviously I am. Now, boost me!”

“Oh, I’ve gotta do it?”

Sirius raises a brow. “Are you gonna pull me up?”

Remus bites back a smile. “…No…”

He hums smugly and Remus holds out his hands for him to step into. Sirius grabs hold of his
shoulder for extra support, a warm little grounding thing that briefly distracts him. “Good?”
Remus asks.

“Mhm.”

Sirius pushes up, moving the tile out of the way and grabbing the ledge with much more ease
than he used to. A hand laces around his ankle to push him up all the way. Once he’s
grounded, Sirius extends a hand out for Remus to take.
He looks hesitant, like he wants to say no for some reason. Sirius doesn’t understand that.

“C’mon, I’m not gonna drop you or something,” he jokes to bury the underlying feeling of
rejection. What if Remus didn’t even want to be here and he’s followed him along out of
pity? They’ve spent a lot of time together this week, maybe he’s suddenly gotten sick of him.

It takes a long moment, but Remus grasps his wrist and lets himself be pulled.

“You’re feeling okay about this right?” Sirius asks for confirmation. “Cause if you don’t want
to, we can always go back, I don’t really mind what we—“

“Sirius, you’re doing that thing you do,” Remus says quietly, letting his arm fall back to his
side. “I’m perfectly okay, and I’m not having doubts or whatever. Especially not about you.”

He breathes slowly and heavily at that, nodding. “Okay. Cool. Well, we should get going
right?”

And they do, he and Remus pretend like they’ve been in Zonko’s the entire time since the
store is still open. No one looks suspicious of them, so they stop looking around with fake
interest and leave into the breezy day. There are plenty of other townspeople around, but
Sirius still wonders if they’ll get spotted out.

“If anyone questions anything I’m Bigby and you’re my brother Oscar and we live over that
hill,” Sirius mumbles as they walk.

“You’re not naming yourself Bigby,” Remus hisses, “And we’re not brothers …we look
nothing alike.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I’m Edgar, you’re Oscar, and we’re third cousins once removed. We
live over the hill.”

“I’d prefer it if we weren’t related at all, really…”

“Deal with it.”

Remus chuckles a quiet laugh. The two walk through the little town that’s starting to be
covered by red and orange leaves. They dip in and out of stores, not intending to buy much
since it’s not like Sirius was carrying pocketfuls of money to class. It doesn’t really matter
though, his mind feels completely at ease while Remus is smiling at levitating socks.

“You think this would fix my walking problem?” He asks lightly.

“Well, you wouldn’t be walking at all.”

Remus nods and says, “Exactly.”

They move on and poke their heads into Honeydukes, give each other a look, then walk right
in excitedly. Sirius may not have a lot of money on him, but he’ll use every sickle he has
here. He and Remus split up and grab a handful of sweets, meeting back up at the register.
Leaving the shop with a couple small bags, Sirius feels satisfied. The sun is starting to set, so
of course they need to be back soon. For now, they sit on a little bench side by side and
wordlessly exchange some of their sweets. Remus drops a Chocolate Frog in his bag and
Sirius trades a Cauldron Cake for Jelly Slugs. Why they didn’t just get these things in the first
place, Sirius isn’t so sure. Remus just always gets him these things.

“Mm, reckon we head back soon?” Remus asks, muffled around the cake in his mouth. Sirius
has chosen not to eat chewy sweets considering…leaf issues.

Sirius sighs. “I kind of wish we didn’t have to, y’know?” he shrugs and leans back, “There’s
nothing to stress me out over here. If we could just…”

“…Hm?”

He drags his gaze to his friend, lips quirking up at the faint crumbs around his mouth. Remus
swallows and sits up straight to wipe them away, cheeks red.

“I dunno,” Sirius mumbles. “It’s nice out here. We should do this more.”

“What, just us?”

“Mhm,” he hums. “Don’t you wanna?”

Remus nods quickly. “Definitely—uh, sounds great, just…wouldn’t you wanna bring James
instead?”

Sirius considers it for a moment, and while it sounds like a load of fun, he thinks he’s looking
for something a bit more peaceful. James is absolutely capable of matching the energy Sirius
wants in private, in public is a whole other story. Sometimes he needs something tranquil.

“I spend enough time with the bloke, don’t you think?” Sirius jokes. “Only time I don’t really
is…well…y’know. That thing he does.”

“He hasn’t done it in a long while though,” Remus comments, taking another bite into his
cake.

“Exactly. Can’t get away from him.”

Remus stifles a laugh with his hand and all Sirius can do is smile at the imagery.

“Fair enough. We can keep doing this if you’d really like then,” he says.

“I’d like to. Would you like to?” Sirius pesters, lightly elbowing him in the arm.

Remus nods shyly. “Yeah, I would. Would it be reserved to sneaking out instead of on the
actual Hogsmeade trips?”

Sirius tries to think about that even though it probably shouldn’t need much thinking. The
two of them splitting off from James and Peter and hanging out would probably feel normal
to anyone else. To Sirius, who’s only ever been separated on the trips to be with girls he
wasn’t sure about, it makes his stomach churn. That’s quite the insult to Remus to be in their
position.

“To be fair, I can’t really actually go to Hogsmeade,” he decides to say instead of any of that.

“And yet…”

Sirius tries to smile now, but something is stopping it from reaching his eyes. “I uh…I think it
would be better if we kept this for sneaking out. It’s easier.”

“Yeah? Okay,” Remus mutters, his own eyes clouded. “I can do it so long as you don’t whisk
me away too often.”

“Ooh, don’t tempt me.”

He crumples up the finished wrapper and drops it back into the bag, shaking his head
amusedly. “Shut up,” Remus mumbles, clearly biting back a smile.

Sirius gasps. “Aw, I missed that.”

“You missed me telling you to shut up?”

Sirius thinks he misses a lot of things about Remus, which doesn’t make much sense since
he’s right here, warm and snarky as ever. There’s just this little something he can’t place
that’s changed the way he acts this year. If he were to ask anyone else, he’s sure they’d call
him mad.

The last time they were here together, Remus had been less shy, he’s sure of that. Hopefully
no one has made him feel the need to shrink himself down, but that had also been a bad time
for him. Maybe he’s gotten better and Sirius has only just noticed.

Sirius hasn’t seen him have nightmares in a long time, and his face when he thinks no one
else is watching isn’t so empty anymore. Like now, he’s golden all over from the sunset.

“Mm,” Sirius tries to reply with a hum, but it gets caught in his throat. “You should consider
that tattoo.”

None of them have made a reference to that night since it happened, actually. Maybe that was
for the best, it was quite embarrassing for Sirius. Crawled into his bed without a plan, got up
in his face in a ramble, exploded his emotions everywhere, then got held for comfort.

Maybe Remus is thinking about it too since he hasn’t responded right away.

“…So should you.”

“Oh?”

“The stars,” Remus clarifies. “They would look good.”

 Sirius smiles, instinctively rubbing his right arm. “Yeah, I think so. I dunno when I’d get the
opportunity, but it’s nice to think about. My parents would hate it, they completely despise
markings on the body, y’know. That would be tattoos, piercings, scarring, the like. I could get
one just to rub it in their faces,” he rambles.

“You should get it because you want it, not because your family wouldn’t,” Remus says, and
Sirius frowns at that.

“…I know,” he mutters, sighing out, “I hate how annoyingly right you are all the time.”

Remus shrugs pompously. “It’s a gift.”

———

Chapter End Notes

That repression goes crazy ngl. But yay! A full wolfstar chapter, they’re so sickeningly
sweet sometimes. I actually love this chapter, it’s so Sirius. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed :)
 Fourth Year: Shallow Reflection
Chapter Summary

God loves you, but not enough to save you

Chapter Notes

CW in the end note!

Words: 5.1k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 29, 1974

“Sooo, how are things with Frank?” Mary asks teasingly.

Her and Alice are sitting on the ledge of the fountain in the courtyard, and her friend hasn’t
yet realized the predicament going on. She’s been spending a lot of time around her the past
few weeks—not that that’s a bad thing or incredibly abnormal. Mary just doesn’t trust herself
around Lily and Dorcas hasn’t been talking to her, instead trading it for wary glances and
frowns. She doesn’t know what she did, but things are far from good right now.

Alice is like a safety net, kind and responsive without the personal drama that the others carry
on their backs.

“Oh, y’know,” Alice shyly says, “It’s going.”

She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Right, it’s going, you’re only in the best position out of all four
of us.”

“But we’re—“

“Not dating,” Mary grumbles. “I know.”

It’s ridiculous that they aren’t, if Mary had a boy like Frank at her side, she’d make sure they
were dating from the first time they held hands. She’s so lucky and she doesn’t even realize
it. Everything must be so simple.
“Have you even kissed?” She asks.

Alice flushes, diverting her gaze. “Well…no…”

“No?!”

“We’re…trying not to rush it, ‘kay?” Alice defends herself, pulling her arms over her chest
and huffing. “You’re not exactly making much progress in your endeavors, are you?”

Mary frowns. “What do you mean?”

Alice gives her a look and rolls her eyes. “You’re all ‘Sirius’ this and ‘Sirius’ that, and
‘where’s Sirius?’”

“I…” She scoffs lightly. “We’ve only been friends for a couple months, you and Frank have
been friends since the day we got here. Very different situations.”

Among all the other things that are different about her and Alice, Frank actually likes
speaking with her all the time. Meanwhile, Sirius has been avoiding her for the past few days
with no explanation as to why. It’s not like they haven’t gone days, weeks or even months
without speaking to one another before, but deliberate evasion is another thing entirely.

He’ll catch sight of her and be stricken with a foggy look before removing himself from the
room. He hasn’t moved his seat in Ghoul Studies, but he makes it very clear he isn’t talking
to her the way he used to.

“Sure, maybe,” Alice tries. “I mean, Sirius seems like more of a case than Frank does.
Wearing him down might come as more of a challenge.”

Mary doesn’t think she wants to be wearing anybody down. What kind of relationship is that,
then? Her and some nameless boy with nothing to him that she’s tired out to the point where
he can’t run away. What an awful way to live, and it could be what she has to settle for.

She doesn’t know why she’s latched onto Sirius, maybe it’s because she knows him. Not to
mention he’s smart, funny, and incredibly attractive for a boy, what’s not to like? Really, she
understands the appeal. Mary likes to hold onto what she understands.

Maybe that explains her inability to be in a room with Lily during the day. She doesn’t
understand them, and the unknown is a horror that swells her throat shut and puts her mind
on autopilot. Sometimes she’ll still sneak into her bed, though, and she’ll expect a cold
shoulder or that deep furrow Lily does with her brows. But she doesn’t get anything like that.
It’s just surprise that melts into sweet kisses and sometimes more. Mary doesn’t understand
it, she can’t hold onto this.

She wishes desperately for them to be like they used to in second year, it was something she
could wrap her head around. Lily was her friend she could be affectionate with because she
was so unnaturally kind. They had their shared experience of being muggleborn in common
too, and it let them bond in a way that was harder for them to do with other magical people.
Of course Mary was the one to fuck it up. She does that. Now it’s all a mess she wants to
leave behind, but can’t.

If she dated someone familiar like Sirius, maybe that could be a swift beheading and Lily
would understand that she can’t do it anymore. She could hardly do it in the first place, not
when the weight of her past lays upon her shoulders. This is a miserable way to live.

What choice does she have?

“Oh, look who it is!”

Mary’s blood runs cold.

Her and Alice look at the same time towards a voice the latter likely doesn’t recognize, but
Mary does.

It’s all three of Snape’s roommates, the calling coming from Bruce Mulciber’s hideous face.
They don’t usually just approach her like this, it’s taken her entirely off guard. Mary curls her
lip at the three of them banding together like the spineless bullies they are.

Mulciber makes a disgusted expression right back at her. “You wipe that look off your face,
Mudblood, you ought to start treating us with some more respect!”

Mary does, maybe it’ll get them to leave faster.

“That’s rich,” Alice simmers, getting to her feet. She’s quite short with soft features,
intimidating is certainly not her area of expertise. Despite that, she frowns up at Mulciber and
his two friends snickering at his side. “You might be the last person I’d consider respectful,
Mulciber, I know what you lot do.”

“Is someone saying something?” Avery mocks.

“Might be the wind...”

“Don’t ignore me!”

Mary pushes to her feet. “Alice, c’mon,” she pleads. It’s embarrassing enough that they’re
being awful in broad daylight, she doesn’t need someone else to stand up for her. Certainly
not a pureblood either.

“Yeah Alice, c’mon!” Mulciber laughs, reaching out and shoving Alice back by the shoulder.
She stumbles over her feet but recovers quickly, whipping out her wand.

“Flipendo!”

She gasps as Mulciber falls flat on his back with a thud that even takes his dull friends by
surprise. Both Avery and Wilkes get a grip on their wands, but Mary is still. She should help.
She really should help. People are gathering, but they aren’t helping either.
In the blink of an eye, two different spells are hitting Alice at once. One pushes her back and
the other trips her over her own feet, sending her back into the fountain with a yelp.

Mary moves now to pull her up, reaching an arm out to her completely soaked friend. A blast
of something hits her side, and she’s tumbling in alongside her, water seeping into her shoes
and uniform.

It’s humiliating.

The three of them are cackling and everything feels so distant while she doesn’t move from
her spot, half-submerged. Alice unsteadily pushes to her feet, the ends of her hair stringy.
Mary doesn’t move her body nor her eyes from her rippling reflection.

“Aw, stop it Ed, the Mudblood’s crying!” Mulciber cracks up, and a sharp blast of water hits
right into her cheek, making her wince and shut her eyes tight. Alice is trying to haul her up
by the arms, she’s not even bothering to get out first. She’s so kind.

“What are you doing?!”

That’s a new voice, one she recognizes. Mary opens her eyes and looks over to find James
entirely on his own. It’s strange to see no friends at his side to back him up, and maybe other
people agree since the attention has been turned on him. Taking that opportunity with grace,
Mary allows herself to be pulled up by Alice.

Wilkes, one of their roommates that’s recently joined their bullying, rolls his eyes. “Great,
Potter’s here to ruin the fun as usual,” he drawls.

Mary gets herself back on solid ground and inches away from this new development. She
doesn’t need to be humiliated any more than she already has been.

“No, you three are like the scum on my shoe, really,” James spouts. “Nothing better to do
than hex a muggleborn on a Tuesday afternoon? Really?

“Real righteous, you are.”

Oh, perfect. In comes Severus Snape, likely hiding out behind some pillar watching the
whole thing go down so he could get out of the blame when Lily asks later. Mary’s
expression twists.

James must be thinking very similarly because his eyes switch from an upset flicker to
something scorching. Surely he can’t mean to be this open about his pure hatred for all four
of them, Snape especially.

“You’ve been here the whole time, haven’t you?” James accuses angrily, stepping forward
without a care that this fight is four against one.

Snape scoffs, slightly put off by the growing crowd. “No, I came because of the commotion
—“

“Bullshit!”
Mary instinctively takes a sharp step back, even some of the surrounding students flinch. It
registers in her head that this really is James, her classmate that she’s only seen in high spirits
using quippy remarks or stupid jokes that are only funny because he’s so charming. How
ridiculous it might sound, but he’s unrecognizable right now.

“Am I meant to believe you on that?” He badgers, pushing forward and using height to his
advantage. Snape moves back and glances to those around them. “I mean, really? You just
happened to be here?”

“You happened to be here as well, it’s the courtyard. The center of the blasted school.”

James gets his wand out and points it straight at Snape, but is stopped by another pointed at
his neck. He moves his gaze to Mulciber slowly. “I dare you.”

Before anyone can get another word in, a section of the bystander circle is cut open by Sirius
and Lily, the former who runs to James’ side, the latter who runs to…Snape’s.

Mary’s blood curdles in her veins so quickly she becomes lightheaded. Even Alice looks
disappointed beside her. She’s still wet and shivering—the fight distracting her from drying
off—and Lily goes straight to him.

Remus and Peter are present, but they stand on the outskirts and blend in with the crowd. She
would’ve preferred Lily to be there too, but instead she’s chosen a side. Bile stirs in her
throat.

Sirius on the other hand, has his wand out and moves it between all four of them in case of
sudden movements. “Move a muscle to hurt him, I’m blasting you across the courtyard, I
mean it!” He pants from rushing to get here.

“Oh, come off it!” Lily upsets. “Break it off, this is so immature!”

James straightens himself out. “Evans, you’re not taking his side right now, he hurt Mary!”

Her expression falters. “What?”

“I did not!” Snape retorts. “I got here after Potter did.”

“Where’s Mary?” Lily asks, eyes darting through the crowd until they land on her and Alice’s
wet forms. For a moment Mary expects her to come and check on her, but instead she looks
back to Snape and asks, “Are you telling the truth?”

“Of course I am.”

James groans. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Evans! Is that all it takes?”

For some reason, Mulciber decides to pipe up with his voice like a fork on china to Mary’s
ears. “In all fairness, he actually wasn’t.”

All James can do is shake his head and gape at her wordlessly for a moment. Mary feels
completely sick to her stomach. “That’s not even close to the point, and the fact that you
don’t—that you’re even agreeing with…“ He sighs. “Go help your friends, Evans.”

“I was just about to, Potter,” she shoots back, moving past him into Mary’s direction. She
shakes her head with a deep frown and glossy eyes, and Lily stops in her tracks. Maybe she’ll
realize her mistake if Mary were to break down in front of all these people. She’s right on the
brink anyway, still shivering and defeated.

Lily isn’t on her side.

“All of you, you will stay where you are!” A magically altered voice booms. The crowd splits
like the sea for Moses, and through the gap appears Professor Dumbledore. Everyone
involved near the fountain immediately pockets their wands and separates.

The first thing he does is not reprimand them, it’s wordlessly and wandlessly drying her and
Alice off. Afterwards, he doesn’t say anything at all other than offering a quick beckon for
the group in the center to follow. Once they’re out of sight, the crowd disperses into chatter.
Mary isn’t willing to stay here for another second.

She turns on her heel and rushes out, Alice in tow who might be trying to speak with her, she
isn’t sure. Everything is just fucked up and she wants to cry somewhere.

The first bathroom she finds is her target, and the moment the door closes Mary lets the dam
break violently. She drops her head into her hands and just…sobs. What else is she supposed
to do?

Alice pulls her into a gentle hug, mumbling, “I’m sorry…” But Mary is sure she doesn’t
understand that she’s not just choking on tears because of the Slytherins. It’s Lily, too. It’s
every little thing from the past few months that she just wants to blow to pieces. God can’t
love her if He does this to her. Why doesn’t it get better? Why hasn’t she had a day without a
weight on her ankle and a hole in her chest?

She wants to understand something for once, she’s not even fifteen yet. Why doesn’t it get
better? Why did Lily do that? Why do they all hate her? What has she done?

God can’t love her if He does this to her.

———

“They’re all a bunch of rotten bullies!”

“You’re one to talk!”

“They tried to hurt James, I saw them!”

“Potter got his wand out first!”

James feels a bubbling heat under his skin. Dumbledore nearly looks overwhelmed by all of
their arguing, and it’s giving James a headache. All of this is.

He was just…James was using the cloak again. It was just after Ancient Runes, Regulus
continued to pretend he didn’t exist and the prolonged silence got him caught in his head.
When he saw what was going on, he threw it into the nearest broom closet and rushed out.
The first thing he saw was Mary in tears getting hit by water as Alice tried her best to help
her up. It was sickening.

The rest feels like a blur. Now he’s here, invisibility cloak still tucked away where he can
grab it later. Lily’s at Snape’s side, gorgeous and horribly frustrating. He saw that frustration
on Mary’s face as she approached her as well. What an awful display. Usually James finds
himself doing the stupid thing, maybe it’ll hit Lily later like it does for him.

Dumbledore makes a comment to hush them, and James tunes back in.

“It wasn’t targeted,” Mulciber says with eloquence. “We were just having some fun, the fact
that she’s a—a muggleborn didn’t even cross my mind—“

“You dirty liar!” James interrupts. “You called Mary that word! Headmaster, ask any of the
maybe one-hundred people that saw it. They’ll tell you the truth, too.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Dumbledore says. “Miss Evans, you seem to have chosen your
side despite what your fellow housemates have said.”

Lily goes red in the face. “Not with them!” She splutters. “Just Severus since he hasn’t done
anything wrong here, and I know Potter is going to have something to say.”

James rolls his eyes, and he can’t believe this, really. If Lily just saw the point maybe she
would understand him. It’s upsetting to watch her make a mistake like this.

“Lily, you’re being ridiculous,” Sirius tries. “Why don’t you try defending Mary? You know,
your best friend?”

“Oh, cause you’d care so much, wouldn’t you?”

“What does that even—?” It dawns on Sirius mid-sentence, and his eyes darken. “Do you
even hear yourself?”

James looks at Snape, who looks rather smug and proud that Lily’s defending him the way
she is right now. He wants to punch that stupid look off his greasy face.

“I…” Lily gets hit with something too, hopefully a wake up call, since her expression
changes for a moment. Unfortunately, James knows just how stubborn she is, too. “I can
defend him and Mary at the same time, you know?”

“You didn’t even check on her,” James mutters, unable to feel much but disappointment. Is
this what she feels towards him all the time? It’s exhausting.

“I tried to,” she retorts, “She wouldn’t let me.”

Sirius scoffs. “Godric, I wonder why.”

“Enough of this,” Dumbledore says with a voice of calm leadership. “I’m certain you all
could go back and forth for years, and I have a good picture of what has transpired today. Mr.
Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, you will be receiving two weeks of after-hours detention with
Professor Slughorn. Mr. Potter and Black, one week of after-hours detention with Professor
McGonagall. Miss Evans and Mr Snape, you may leave. You’re dismissed from classes for
the rest of the day to settle down, all of you.”

James clenches his jaw as the two exit with haste. One week for defending Mary and Alice
from these utter twats to his right. At least it’s with Minnie, she’ll be kind and understanding
with them.

And then it hits him. Tomorrow night they’re meant to take out the mandrake leaves, and
with detention…well, they can’t. It’ll be too late in the night for it to work. Sirius lightly taps
his side and gives him wide frantic eyes, so they’ve thought of their incredible inconvenience
at the same time.

“Professor Dumbledore,” James starts, but he doesn’t know where to take it. “We—Sirius and
I…we…”

“What is it, Mr. Potter?”

What does he say? Sorry, can’t show up tomorrow, we have illegal things to do for our
Werewolf friend instead of detention.

“Can we have it after Halloween?” He pleads, hoping he’ll just be given what he wants.

Dumbledore sighs. “I do apologize for ruining the festivities for you two, but no. I’m afraid I
can’t move your detention so you can celebrate. You did threaten a fellow student, after all.”

For a good fucking reason, he thinks, but he holds back his eye roll.

James glances at Sirius, who looks beyond hurt that they’re going to have to put it off for
another month. They were so close, too. He’s put in so much work, this is James’ fault. But
he had to step in and do something since no one else was. That’s just…who he is.

“This is the worst,” Sirius grumbles miserably as soon as they’re released. “James, what are
we supposed to do?”

He sighs. “Try again.”

Remus and Peter are just around the corner, and James isn’t sure how he’s supposed to break
the news to Pete. Technically, it means Peter won the bet, but it’s for such a terrible reason
that James wants to call it all off.

“…So what’s the verdict?” Peter asks.

Sirius huffs a breath and shuts his eyes. “Night detentions for the next week.”
Peter makes an annoyed noise, and things are silent for a couple of moments. “Wait, does that
include tomorrow?”

“…Yep.”

“Oh,” he mumbles. “Wait, but—“

“I know.”

Remus furrows his brows in question, but he doesn’t speak up. Good. James can’t take that
right now. His head is spinning, and there’s a lot he wants to do. Such as get his invisibility
cloak back.

“Hey, if you lot don’t mind, I’ll be off for a minute,” he says, backing away. “I’ve gotta grab
something.”

Sirius frowns. “I’ll come with you.”

James opens and shuts his mouth for a moment, eyes darting to Remus’ knowing expression.
“I uh…”

“I’m coming with you,” Sirius insists, stepping forward to his side. “Sorry Moony, Peter, I
know you waited out for us. Actually, we couldn’t join you in Potions anyway, Dumbledore
won’t let us.”

“No, it’s okay, we’ll see you guys later,” Remus says kindly, offering a small smile before
backing off with Peter.

James stands frozen in place, unsure what he can do now. He can’t tell Sirius he was
wandering in his protective little chrysalis but dumped such a valuable item in a closet like
nothing. He remembers reading years ago after his incident with the butterfly that when they
emerge too early, they’ll be too weak to fly.

“You okay?” Sirius asks now that they’re alone.

Immediately, James hates it. He nods. “Yeah, I’m fine, just uh…well, I’m annoyed we’re
gonna have to wait another month to get this done. Especially since we were so close.”

“I know, I already swallowed mine. No point. What a waste, am I right?”

James shrugs. “I don’t think so. We’ll do better next time.”

“There’s the Potter optimism,” Sirius chuckles, patting him on the back.

People in the halls are watching them, of course they are. Really, they made a huge bloody
scene out of that, they’ll be the talk of the school for at least a month.

“Thanks for having my back, actually,” James says with a small smile. “Didn’t even hesitate,
you crazy bastard.”
Sirius grins a bit smugly at that. “Of course I didn’t hesitate, I’ve never done such a thing in
my life. You know, I got the news with Peter outside Remus’ class with Evans. Probably
looked like a real coincidence that we all happened to be there at once.”

James shrugs. “Not really.”

“Hm…maybe not,” he hums. “Do you have any idea where Mary’s gone, by the way? I feel
bad, I didn’t know what happened when I got there. Maybe I would’ve…I dunno, looked at
her, at least. I shouted at Evans, but I did the same thing, didn’t I?”

“I wanted to say something to her, too. I’ve got no clue either.”

Sirius nods with some stricken look in his eyes. “I’ve been avoiding her,” he admits suddenly.

“Hm? How come?”

There’s a long and heavily contemplative silence from Sirius that James waits through. He
does this sometimes, gets in his head to cherry pick the right words to say. Apparently those
correct words are:

“I want to be her friend.”

James looks at him a bit strangely, but Sirius sees nothing wrong with what he’s just said.
He’s simply watching James back, waiting for a response.

“Uhh…” he says stupidly. “Okay, well…what does that mean?”

Sirius shakes his head. “I’m not sure yet. But um,” he clears his throat, “what are we getting
exactly? You said you had to grab something.”

James slows his pace. “Yeah, just…hey, maybe you could go find Mary, I do this, and we
meet back here.”

“But she could be anywhere on the grounds, if you know where this thing is, we grab it, then
we could go find her and both talk to her. Two birds with one stone!”

“Mhm…” James grimaces. Usually he can whip up a lie from thin air, but there’s not much
he can say right now to help him. “Or…you can wait here for a second while I go get it, then
we find Mary, how about that?”

Sirius bites back a laugh. “You’re acting weird,” he says bluntly. “Whyyy…why are you
acting weird?”

“I’m not!” He says with a smile. “I just…” James’ smile falters. “You know what, I can go
get it later. Let’s go find Mary!”

Sirius doesn’t seem to be so against his sudden change of mind and they begin their search.

It seems like whenever he does this now, bad things happen. Maybe it’s a sign to leave it
alone and start using the cloak solely for pranks and breaking the rules again. It’s just…he
can’t let it go. James doesn’t feel ready to, what if he’s not ready to fly? What if he needs to
think? It’s impossible to think when people can see you, and now all people are doing is
seeing him. He’ll make a turn and hear another whisper, catch another discreet glance.

He’s quite sure it isn’t for anything bad, his morals lie with the majority. Standing up for
someone like Mary is a good thing, but someone else should’ve done it first. Why was he the
only one? Other than Alice, he suspects, since she was there in the fountain with her. The
sentiment still remains. There were over a hundred students surrounding them all.

Thinking about the cloak in that crammed dirty closet, he apologizes internally to his dad for
being so careless with the heirloom. Sometimes James wonders if he’d be disappointed
knowing what he uses it for now. Lying, sneaking around, sulking over nothing at all. Why
does he sulk? His life is fine.

A few months ago, Sirius fell out of a window and it nearly turned into something much
worse than it already was, and he’s fine now. Or…fine enough. He gets the occasional
nightmare, but that’s entirely understandable. If James were in his position, he would
absolutely have them too. But anyway, what he means to say is that Sirius must be doing
better while James feels like he’s doing worse, despite their entirely opposing lives.

Maybe he’s selfish for that, for turning his great life into this pity party for himself while his
best friend has the strength to power through his terrible one. Something must have moved
out of place in his brain. Did he get hit with a Bludger during practice and forget? That could
explain it, head injuries are quite often a cause of lots of terrible things, he read about it while
looking for an answer not so long ago. In fact, it’s a really high cause of death in people
because they won’t even know it’s there until it’s too late and they either drop dead or lose
the ability to function. Maybe the second one is him, because death doesn’t seem like it’s
looming over his shoulders. James might be a little young for dying.

It has to be some sort of brain damage he’s suffered without realizing it. What else could it
be?

———

Knees pulled to her chest, Severus at her side, Lily is silent.

She can’t sand down every glare she was given today and they stick out as a branding.

Mary and Potter stick out the most, the former for obvious reasons. She was going to help
her, she was. Lily didn’t have a clue what was going on, she heard ‘fight outside, Potter and
the Slytherins’, and she bolted outside with Sirius. There was too much going on, her brain
just overloaded. Now there’s very little activity and she’s hiding out in an empty classroom
with Severus.

Is she making a mistake?

Potter hates Severus’ guts and takes every opportunity he can to upset him, Lily has no
reason to take what he has to say as truth. Of course she’s going to trust her first ever friend,
the person who’s been here longest.

But there was…this silent judgment from Potter that made her skin crawl. It’s that second
side to him she rarely gets to be witness to. Normally, Lily sort of likes it. It makes him look
more like a human and less like a self-appraised god. She didn’t like this. It made her feel
guilty for something she didn’t want to feel guilt for, and now she’s just lost.

What she yearns for more than anything is to hold onto all the people she cares about that she
can, and do what’s right for them. Freezing and blinking into space hardly feels like she is
accomplishing anything, though, so she decides to speak.

“…Did I mess up?” She asks quietly, sparing a glance at Severus, who might have been
watching her this whole time.

He lowers his brows with a slight frown. “No. You did the right thing, Potter would’ve put
the blame on me and I’d be in trouble too. Dumbledore already let him off easy with
McGonagall, it’s obvious where his bias lies.”

Lily pouts, resting her chin on her arms. “I suppose. It’s just…Mary looked really upset, but I
didn’t think I did anything wrong.”

“Do you now?”

She shrugs. “I’m not sure. I want to talk to her, but I don’t think she wants much to do with
me right now,” Lily mutters sadly.

Despite how their secret has already been crumbling to the floor for months, Lily doesn’t
think it’s quite hit the ground yet. But it’s close, and she knows she’ll have to let them go
soon. More than anything, Lily just wants her friend back. This isn’t fun or exhilarating like it
used to be, it’s draining. Lily thinks they’re both losing themselves.

“Probably not,” is all Severus replies with.

She forgets how honest he can be. “Yeah,” she says. On the tip of her tongue lies a question,
would you have helped Mary if you were with them? But she doesn’t say it, Lily doesn’t think
she’d like the answer.

Not even she had helped Mary.

They sit out for another hour, occasionally cutting through silences with minimal
conversation. She was sure Severus didn’t really want to be there as long as he had, so she
stood up. She left him to go have a lie down or maybe to find Mary or Alice or hide away
where no one can find her. Plenty of people hate the Slytherins, and by siding with one in
front of all those students, Lily ostracized herself. Severus isn’t like the rest of them, but they
don’t know that. They’re going to judge her.
 Perhaps that is why in the end, she moves past the common room to keep going up and up,
right into the Astronomy Tower entrance.

People don’t really just come up here outside of class, and it’s gorgeous. She knows there’s a
class after sunset, but for now, she can stay here and breathe. Lily maneuvers around the
centerpieces to splay her hands around the balcony’s edge. The sun is still fairly high in the
sky, to her surprise. She feels like the day should be over by now.

What does she say to her friends when she gets back? She has to return eventually. Alice
probably won’t hate her, she’s too kind for grudges on the people she cares about. Dorcas
wasn’t there, so whoever she gets the news from will be how she makes an opinion. Mary…
Lily sighs. There’s a growing list of things they need to speak about, and she both does and
doesn’t want to address them.

What Lily wants is for everyone to get along and be okay, but that’s just a lovely fantasy she
can make up for herself in times like this. Maybe in some world she and Mary are forever, the
girl has moved past the hatred she has for herself and lets Lily hold on as long as she wants.
There are no outside nor inside forces pulling them apart, and they could tell Dorcas and
Alice one day, maybe even Remus. She truly believes they would be okay with it all.

But like she said, that's a fantasy.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW for internalized homophobia

I think that warning is just a given for a Mary POV chapter. But I was editing this last
night and I was just like wow this so depressing, is the next chapter nicer? I scrolled
down and LMAO. It’s worse!

Anyway, I love my Sirius and Mary parallels I make so obvious it’s like a neon sign in a
dark street saying “look at me look at me”! Two sides of the same bad coin I can’t
imagine what I’m gonna do about that…
 Fourth Year: Bite the Hand
Chapter Summary

What do you wanna say? What do you think will change?

Chapter Notes

Sorry for being 3 days late I kinda just wanted to move my upload schedule to Sunday
instead. Also I was too lazy to copy paste the chapter I’ve had written for over a month
into ao3. I’ve fallen so far.

CWs in end note!

Words: 4.7k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

OCTOBER 31, 1974

Peter is quite disappointed with himself, mainly because he needs to hold another leaf in his
mouth for an entire month. He was incredibly satisfied knowing he’d be the first to finish,
until he realized just how complicated it all was.

He’s not a very good potioneer, most would consider him subpar. With no one to guide him
considering the only people involved were stuck in detention and his potions partner was a
Werewolf, Peter…messed it up. It wasn’t even a cloudy night, everything should’ve been
perfect.

And then he realized he was using an iron teaspoon instead of a silver one.

So now he’s here, sitting beside Remus’ infirmary bed with his dinner growing cold since
he’s taking his third nap of the day—according to Pomfrey. Sometimes he can’t believe he’s
doing all of this. Illegal potion making and sitting in silence for an hour beside his sleeping
friend so they can both have some company. Peter doesn’t mind being here, he just wishes
Remus would wake up.

He has no idea how Sirius does this for so long, Peter’s not as hyperactive as him and he’s
ready to bounce off the walls. What does he do in the long waits like the seven hour day
where all Remus did was sleep? Did he just…watch him? Was he making conversation with
Pomfrey? Did he ever actually leave the room?

Peter would if James was in their dorm, but of course, detention.

It can’t be that bad, McGonagall loves them two to the point where she shows clear bias
amongst students. If anyone else did some of the things they did, she’d have their head! Not
that Peter minds, it helps them get off pretty easy when they do something fun.

The blankets on Remus’ bed shift, and Peter flits his eyes upwards.

“…Remus?” He tests out, having done this a few times in the past hour.

“Mm…”

He sighs. “Oh, thank Merlin. You sleep forever, really.”

Remus grumbles some noise out, rubbing his eyes. “Mmhm…Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I got you dinner though, so it might be cold,” Peter says with a shrug. “You
probably know a good heating charm.”

“I do,” he yawns. “I need my wand…um…” Remus searches for it briefly before grabbing it
and heating his food back up. Peter assumed he’d need protein and carbs for energy, so
there’s a lot of meat and bread rolls now hot and ready for eating. “Thanks, this is nice.”

Peter smiles a little. “Yeah, you’re welcome. Wasn’t so difficult, I just went down to the
kitchens and they gave me some stuff.”

“Well, thank you anyhow.” Remus is speaking around a mouthful, so he doesn’t really catch
it all.

And then it’s just…silence. Peter gets to watch Remus eat for a while since there isn’t much
to talk about right now. Well—okay, yes there was the catastrophe that was two days ago, but
most of what can be said has already been said. James still stares at Evans with stars in his
eyes, so not much changed. Sirius is talking with Mary when he can some more, which he
doesn’t really care about.

What he does care about is the first Quidditch match of the season being soon since Peter
gets to cheer Emmeline on for the first time. He isn’t really sure if they’re dating, but he likes
holding her hand and her smile is pretty, that’s good enough for him.

Once Remus finishes his food, Madam Pomfrey checks him out one more time to confirm
he’s all okay. Given the thumbs up, Remus slides off the bed and takes a few uneasy steps to
his walking stick. Peter gives him the space to do whatever he needs to do before they exit.
He looks like he’s straining to grab the thing from where it’s leaning on the bed, but now he’s
already doing it, so Peter can’t really intervene and help.

“You okay…?” Peter asks just to feel like he contributed a little and so they’re not just
standing in silence.
Remus nods slowly, coming up with a slight groan. “Mhm, I’m good to go now,” he says.

They climb the last four floors up to the Gryffindor Tower and make light conversation on the
very slow journey. Honestly, Peter doesn’t mind it so much, James is always running up and
down the stairs and it’s hard to keep up.

Entering the common room and finding far more students than there should be at this hour
accompanied by music was a shock. The two of them quickly straighten up—Remus folding
up his cane—and glance at one another in confusion.

It’s Halloween, of course, but this is certainly new.

“Hey, Peter, Remus!” Frank calls, jogging over wearing a crumpled uniform and a bottle in
hand. “Spontaneous idea, I decided to throw a little Halloween party with my roommates,
and uhh…” He laughs, pointing a thumb behind him at the group much larger than three.
“You’re welcome to join!”

“Where’d you get drinks from?” Peter questions.

Frank purses his lips, looking over his shoulder to spot someone out. “Ah, it was one of the
upperclassmen. This is my first one,” he smiles despite the illegality. “Prefect and all.”

Peter hums, looking around at the other witches and wizards laughing and having fun to the
music on the record player. He’d love to join, but he doesn’t know these people so well.
James and Sirius should be here.

“Um, I’m a bit tired,” Remus speaks up. “Sorry, long day…cool party, though!” He says it
with a little too much fake enthusiasm, even tossing out a weak thumbs up as he walks off.
While up the stairs, he lowers it and shakes his head in embarrassment.

Frank shrugs. “I had a feeling he wouldn’t be the type,” he mutters and takes a swig of his
drink. “Wish we had James and Sirius to join us, they’d be right good fun.”

Peter tries not to frown at the fact that he’s right here and Frank is wishing for someone else.
With a push of courage, he says, “What’s the drink?”

“I think it’s Firewhisky,” he replies, glancing at the label. “Why, you want some?”

“For sure.”

He’s never drank before, but that’s not important right now. Frank leads him over to one of
the little tables with the bottles and offers one after it gets opened. Peter takes it easily,
sniffing it. Honestly…it doesn’t smell great. He isn’t even sure how good of an idea it is to
drink this when he’s got the new mandrake leaf on the side of his cheek.

“Longbottom, your girlfriend’s looking for you!” Benjy Fenwick calls out.

Frank goes a bit red in the face. “She’s not—“ He sighs. “Yeah, I’m coming!”
Peter’s promptly left alone in the corner with his bottle of Firewhisky so Frank can side up
with Alice. He’s not sure how two days ago she could be soaked and humiliated in front of
half the school and today look so giggly with a strong arm around her shoulders. He wishes
he recognized the song spinning, but it’s upbeat and fun. Maybe it’s been provided by Mary,
she’s hovering around it with Dorcas, a few too many empty bottles discarded on the table
around them. That could be why she’s a little unsteady on her feet.

Evans isn’t here, he notices. That’s something James would’ve noticed the second they
walked in, but either way she isn't around any of her friends. He assumes it’s because of the
super embarrassing action of being Snivellus’ bodyguard. She must have had some kind of
curse put on her, even Remus looked distressed.

Peter doesn’t have any particular hatred for Snape, but he’s just this slimy twat he enjoys
watching James and Sirius poke at. He can’t imagine Snape was loving having a girl defend
him like that either.

“What are you moping in the corner alone for?”

Peter glances up from his untouched drink and finds Emmeline, drinkless. Her dark brown
hair rests just below the shoulders of her blouse and her cheeks are pink.

“Oh!” He beams. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“Yeah, I’m drifting around,” she says. “I’m not drinking, I just wanted to be with the rest of
my team. Proud law follower here!”

Peter chuckles, glancing between her and his bottle. “Uh—I wasn’t drinking either,” he half-
lies. He places it back on the table it came from. “Just um…looking at it.”

“I see that.” Emmeline reaches out and clasps her hand around his with a sweet smile. “You
know, the first Quidditch match is in a couple days, you’ll be there, right?”

He nods quickly. “Yeah. Yes. I’ll be there! I’ve never missed a game, actually.” Not counting
first year, but James wasn’t on the team yet. Hardly counts.

“Good,” she says. “I’ve gotta go to sleep, it’s late and I’ve got a class with McGonagall in the
morning. So…goodnight, Peter.” Emmeline leans in close and pecks his cheek. She moves
away with a bright red face and Peter waves with one of a similar shade.

“Goodnight!” He calls out. Once she’s out of sight, Peter swings a leg to pivot and head
upstairs too. He feels very satisfied from that interaction, he doesn’t need some dumb party
no one else wants to talk to him at.

Remus is already asleep by the time he gets back, curtains half-closed and the side of his face
smushed into his pillow. Godric, he must’ve been more tired than Peter thought he was. It’s
kind of astonishing how he’ll be out like a light even after an entire day of rest.

How draining is being a Werewolf?

Well, he’s quite glad it isn’t him dealing with it. When he was first told about it, Peter didn’t
really believe him but was intrigued either way, being a Werewolf had to be totally awesome.
Look, the thing can rip somebody’s head off, and he’s just a teenage boy. It’s not like Remus
is a threat now, he’s just some bloke. Really, he folds up his laundry into a pile for the elves
to take, Peter couldn’t be less scared of him.

Finally tucked into bed and ready to sleep a while later, the door opens and streams a line of
golden light into the room.

“Shh!”

“I know!”

There is very obvious whispering in the room, James and Sirius aren’t very good at it. They
giggle some more before a pause, silence filling the empty space.

“He’s fine, relax,” James says quietly.

“I know, just making sure…” Sirius mumbles. “I don’t ever miss the after-moon time.”

James chuckles. “I know, you’re like a mum.”

“Eugh, no!”

“I’m kidding, mate,” he whispers. “Sleepover?”

Sirius makes a low noise in his throat. “I’m doing okay.”

“Me too. Sleepover?”

“…Okay.”

“Yay!”

Peter turns over, listening to them shuffle into James’ bed.

“You’re getting too tall for this.”

“Well you choose to sleep like I’ve got a disease—“

The room goes quiet and still, and he knows they’ve put up their silencing charm.

It’s an unspoken thing all of them know about, the fact that they spend nearly every waking
and sleeping moment with one another. And if Sirius isn’t with James, he’s with Remus.
Peter spends a fair amount of time with James too, but it doesn’t feel comparable to Sirius.
What does Sirius have that he doesn’t?
 ———

NOVEMBER 2, 1974

“Lily, are you going to the game?” Dorcas asks, and the girl just shrugs. She frowns. “It’s my
first.”

Lily nods, blinking tiredly. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Dorcas eyes her in worry, Lily hasn’t done much at all in the past three days other than
behave like a ghost. She floats around silently, passing through people and saying very little.
During the actual disaster, Dorcas was on a free period and had been on the field with
Marlene practicing. Getting back and finding out they missed a big event was an annoyance,
realizing what really happened was like a swift kick to the knees.

The day afterwards, Lily went silent and Mary decided to drink for the first time at Frank’s
party. Well—technically it wasn’t her first since according to her there are muggle traditions
involving having a little now and then. But Dorcas knows that was nothing like what Mary
had done. By the end of it, she brought her back up dazed and upset while Lily hardly held
back her concern. Now that she noticed the way she feels about Mary, it’s hard not to see it.

She sits beside Lily on her bed, supposing they can talk even when the match is in an hour.

“I think if you keep letting the guilt eat at you, it’ll just get worse,” Dorcas advises quietly.
“Mary—“

“Hates me,” Lily finishes. “I didn’t mean to neglect her, it was an accident. I—I would’ve
gone to her.”

“First?”

Lily furrows her brows, humming a soft ‘hm?’

“If you saw Mary and Snape at the same time, would you have gone to her first?” Dorcas
questions. She’s actually quite curious for herself, Lily’s friendship with the guy has never
been something she’s liked. Mary has brought it up more than a handful of times with a groan
and an eye roll, understandably.

At the first sign of hesitation in Lily’s voice, Dorcas nearly sighs in disappointment.

“It’s…I’d like to think I would…” she says slowly. “But this whole thing is just one big
hypothetical, Dorcas.” Lily sighs. “Good luck at your game, you’re gonna do great.”

Lily’s acting like that’s the end of it, but Dorcas is nothing but persistent.
“I’d really like you to be there,” Dorcas insists, giving her a saddened look. “I hate seeing
you upset.”

She thins her lips, muttering, “I hate it too. I just want all of these things to be different, but I
know they can’t be. I’m trapped in my own little fantasy world, like I’ve both stretched
myself thin and stuffed myself into a corner. So…either way, I’m stuck,” Lily finishes with a
pathetic sort of shrug, brows curling upward.

Dorcas has realized by now that she’s no good at comforting people, and telling Lily that it’s
all going to be okay feels like lying. Her friendship with Snape is going to continue to cause
problems, the only way to solve it would be to cut it off at the root. And yet…Dorcas doesn’t
think she’d ever have the guts to do it. She’s seen and heard of Lily sticking up for him far
too many times despite his close connections to those who want all like her to suffer. It’s
obvious she wants a better world, but Lily is being held back and it makes her look rather
hypocritical.

After her long silence, Lily speaks again. “I’m sorry, I can’t go. Good luck today, seriously,”
she offers with a thin smile.

With all of Dorcas’ persistence, she forgot how stubborn Lily is. There’s really no getting to
her like this.

She nods, pushing to her feet to head out. “Alright, I’ll tell you how it goes.”

“I’ll probably hear it,” she jokes lightly. “See you, Dorcas.”

———

“Wow, nice hit from Longbottom, heading straight to the younger Black and—oh! He skirts
right past it,” Benjy Fenwick commentates.

Regulus dodged that easily, Fenwick just does that to build suspense. The cooling air pushes
against his face the faster he flies, matching speeds with the Gryffindor Seeker as they search
for the snitch.

He likes it out here, in his own little world with the pressure on him to win. All he has to
watch for are bludgers and a tiny flicker of golden light. Regulus never gets this kind of
responsibility. Quidditch is his favorite for a reason.

“Potter dives, dodging two bludgers at once! He’s carrying it all the way, he shoots…and he
scores!”

The sea of red erupts into cheers, and he’s not meant to, but he sneaks a glance over while
flying by.
One of his Chasers is shooting off with the quaffle while Potter and his brother high-five. He
can practically hear Sirius’ giddy laughter from here. Regulus clenches his jaw, pushing
himself harder. His head feels stuffy with cotton all of a sudden.

The other Seeker makes a jarring switch in direction and he immediately follows, knowing
what that means. He’s played with her once before, and she doesn’t have much skill in
masking her intentions in the game. Regulus sides up with her and she bristles, trying to
angle herself and move faster. The golden snitch zips around the field ahead.

“Meadowes with a good save there!”

Regulus lowers his brows and keeps pushing, he has to. He won’t lose to Sirius, he can’t. He
is better than him, Regulus knows he is. He is better.

You've got this big bad shell but you're like glass.

He blinks out of it, there’s no way he’s going to let Pandora get into his head. The next time
they saw each other, she didn’t push him again, the only person Regulus will let push him is
himself. The other Seeker is catching up to him while they zoom around, heading upwards to
follow after the snitch. It’s quite a cloudy day, too difficult to make out a reflection.

He loses sight of it. Regulus stops. He darts his eyes around, and it seems the other Seeker
has lost it too.

No, he was close, he was so close.

You look troubled.

Regulus grits his teeth and flies back down, unable to keep his thoughts under control today.
Distantly, Sirius deflects a bludger from Potter and Regulus knows that’s the game, but it
doesn’t stop his insides from growing colder and his vision from tunneling. It shouldn’t be
this easy to push him over the edge, but something is wrong. He’s said that before, it’s a
fundamental thing, and perhaps no amount of magic can fix that.

You’re an open book in invisible ink, simple to read if you know the right words to say.

The last time he and Sirius spoke, it ended with him losing time. December 13th, 1973. It’s
November 2nd, 1974. Sirius is fifteen tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to make you bitter and mean because you couldn't have
been born this way, you are far too sensitive for that.

He’s flying. Regulus can feel the wind on his face. He knows that he’s flying. But he’s not
here.

Where’ve you gone?

It comes faster than he can even blink, cutting through the air with a high-pitched whir. He
hears a sharp crack, and it must be from him, because he’s falling.
Regulus falls down.

And down.

And down.

For a moment, it feels like that’s it for him.

No person is meant to be free-falling for this long.

Before he can become a pile of broken bones and guts, Regulus gently touches face-first on
the grass. Among the ringing in his ears and how sick to his stomach he is, there are gasps
and a shrill whistle. He winces, trying to turn over on his side—he can’t. It hurts. He could
come up with some metaphor for the pain that hits him, but it just…it hurts. So much so that
when someone else is at his side turning him over, he can’t help the sharp gasp falling from
his lips.

“Alright, he needs the Hospital Wing,” Madam Hooch mutters to somebody. “The game will
be postponed!” she then announces, earning her disappointed groans from the stands.

There are very few times when Regulus has been hurt in his life, once by his own Mother,
once from punching Evan Rosier, and now. He can’t breathe without it piercing something,
and it’s dizzying.

“My, I think that’s at least two ribs, there,” is the last thing he hears.

The last thing he sees, however, is his brother.

“You Blacks and your broken bones…”

“I didn’t mean to—“

“It’s quite alright, these things happen. You’d be surprised how many Quidditch games have
ended in the past from injuries.”

“It’s different.”

Regulus inhales, and he chokes on it, wincing with an embarrassing whine. One of the voices
goes silent.

“Ah, alright, waking up is certainly a good start.” Something is placed in his vicinity. “Drink
up, and you’ll be staying overnight. I do apologize for the taste, but your brother here has
been through it, so I’m sure you can too.”

Your brother here.

Here.

Regulus’ eyes shoot open as he attempts to sit up, but fails, collapsing onto his back. Despite
that, he still inches away from where the second voice had been coming from, because he
recognizes it now. It’s just been a while.

Sirius is there, and he doesn’t speak anymore. He’s just sitting in silence… watching him.
Maybe Regulus is a hypocrite, because he’s doing the same thing.

Madam Pomfrey urges him to take a dose of her Skele-Gro, he does. He grimaces a little at
the sour flavor, but nothing more. Nothing compares to the way his guts feel being stared at
by his older brother who hurt him. In the back of his mind, he wonders if Sirius did it on
purpose.

Even when they’re left alone, secluded by a tall white divider, they don’t try to open their
mouths to speak for a long time. Regulus stares ahead in silence to ignore the guilty stare
burning the side of his skull.

“You should go,” is all he says, strained and painful. The first words in—

“No. It’s been too long.”

“Three hundred and twenty-four days, actually.”

Sirius is silent, maybe he’s nodding or thinking. Regulus wouldn’t know.

“It’s not like you couldn’t have spoken to me,” Sirius grumbles. “You had many
opportunities, but you didn’t take any of them. Don’t…don’t make me look like a bad person
for something you partook in.”

He bites down on his tongue to keep any further embarrassing winces from spilling out. His
chest doesn’t throb exactly, it’s a sharp and piercing kind of pain that hits him with every
lung movement. Sirius really did break his ribs.

Regulus frowns, eyesight dragging more distant from his brother until he’s nearly facing
away from

him. “I don’t want you here,” he mumbles weakly. “I won’t let her send a letter to our parents
if…if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“I wasn’t,” Sirius says. “I don’t care what they have to say.”

“You should.”

“Well, I don’t.”

For some reason that makes Regulus frown even more. “I wish you did.”

Sirius lightly scoffs, maybe he adjusts the way he’s sitting so he doesn’t look so small
anymore. Make himself bigger, like their father.

“All they did over the summer was talk about how much of a disgrace I am,” he spouts
bitterly, “I’m meant to take that kindly?”

“Most people would reevaluate themselves.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me—you—“ Sirius begins to sputter. “What do you know? The
last time we spoke was apparently three hundred and twenty-four days ago, which was, by
the way, initiated by me because you hurt my best friend.”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “And here I am with multiple broken ribs broken by you, and all you
can talk about is yourself.”

Sirius goes silent then, and he almost wants to spare him a glance just to see the look on his
face.

He would never admit this out loud if he didn’t think it would get a reaction from his brother,
and he says, “It really hurts, by the way.” The moment his lip begins to quiver, Regulus pulls
back. “You usually have great aim, what happened there?”

“You usually dodge what comes at you, you’re—you’re good at that,” Sirius says quietly. “It
was an accident.”

Regulus just can’t help himself, his eyes finally flicker over to Sirius, finding a look beyond
guilt dragging his features down. It makes his guts boil in a way that feels similar to vomit.
He looks away.

What he wondered earlier wasn’t really if Sirius had done it on purpose, he’s not a violent
person. Regulus knows him well enough for that. What he really wanted to know was when
he got hit, for just a single sweet moment did Sirius feel like he deserved it? By the time he
hit the ground, perhaps it registered what happened. But he means that split second where
Regulus felt his ribs crack, maybe Sirius felt victorious.
He got quite close to his heart there, a bludger hurtled into his chest is what it takes to get
close to him, apparently. Sirius wouldn’t be sitting here with him and Regulus would have
gone on with his day, month, year, without giving him the time of day. The only life lesson he
can gain from this is that in order for one of them to muster up the courage to speak, pain
must be involved; words bitten, skin stung, time lost, ribs cracked.

Perhaps their distance really is for the benefit of both of them.

“…You should go,” Regulus repeats.

Sirius still doesn’t move, but he’s starting to sound rather frustrated. “Don’t shove me out, I
can see it on your face. Look, let’s just—let’s just talk.”

“I don’t want to—“ he inhales sharply, “—to talk with you! What don’t you get? You know,
there really is something wrong with you, you never know how to stop. You just push
everyone around like this and expect them to do as you want, don’t you?”

“Don’t you speak to me like that,” he scolds darkly, pushing to his feet. “You have no right.”
Regulus glances up at him, a tremor of fear hitting his nerves like sparks. It must be clear to
him now that they’re not going to fix anything. His resemblance to Walburga is striking.

“You know, you sound just like her when you’re angry.”

Sirius’ lip curls with a slight tremble of indignation, proving him correct. “And I didn’t hurt
you on purpose, but fuck am I glad I did now. Every breath you take until that heals you’ll
have to know it was me who bested you and you hate that, don’t you?”

Despite the stabbing pain in his center, Regulus pushes himself to sit. But the moment he tries
to throw some rotten insult back, his throat knots up.

He was right, just not how he expected. It wasn’t a split second of satisfaction, it’s now going
to be what Sirius remembers from this. How he preemptively got back at his brother who
hates him by pulling his chest apart and leaving him open on the field.

Pandora was right, too. He’s like glass.

“Wow…you sit here for minutes hurtling every big insult you can think up, but the second I
fight back, you’ve lost. Just like last time.”

Regulus diverts his gaze with brows so low they make his temples throb. But he isn’t sure he
remembers how to speak, and it’s killing him. He should fight back, anger Sirius some more
so Pomfrey can come back and see how much they really hate one another.

Sirius scoffs a bitter laugh. “Nothing, really? Some advice, don’t dish out what you can’t
take, Regulus.”

Without giving so much as another look, Sirius storms out and leaves Regulus alone in the
Hospital Wing.
 Silently, accepting all of the agony it brings, Regulus pulls his legs into his chest. He grunts
out a noise of pain, dropping his forehead onto his knees. A tiny voice in the back of his mind
tells him to find a way to puncture his lungs. Maybe he could pretend to drink the Skele-Gro
and dump it while Madam Pomfrey isn’t looking at him. Eventually that could get him put
down like some sick animal, couldn’t it? Too fragile to grow his own bones with the help of
potions or fix his head with Occlumency, what good will he be anywhere else?

For once, Regulus actually wants to disappear and have his consciousness retreat elsewhere.
He wouldn’t have to think, then, and maybe Sirius would still be here. If he’d come closer to
death, maybe he would still be here. If he had just shut up, maybe he would still be here.

But it’s too late now, and he doesn’t think Sirius will ever want to speak to him again.

———

Chapter End Notes

CW for slight graphic descriptions and suicidal ideation

Oh, Regulus. Oh, Sirius. You guys are sooo messy and mentally ill I’m sorry the
universe drives you apart.
 Fourth Year: Guilty Pleasure
Chapter Summary

And I turn red, I'm turning red!

Chapter Notes

Posting this on Sirius’ birthday is a very funny coincidence to me personally. Yeah the
title is the Chappell Roan song.

Words: 4.6k

See the end of the chapter for more notes

NOVEMBER 3, 1974

Remus wakes up feeling disgusting. He usually does due to his back aching or legs feeling
too sore, but this is different. It’s a guilty sort of disgusting that makes him rub his eyes and
groan.

This is also the first time he’s ever really thought about it, consciously or subconsciously.
Remus knows he’s had a pull towards Sirius for a while now and has registered his friend as
attractive many times in the past. It’s hard not to think so, his thick black hair ever soft and
eyes carrying an intensity to them.

But most of Remus’ big stupid feelings just made him want to orbit around Sirius like a
planet and its moon. He gets to feel his gravitational pull that keeps him stuck watching from
a distance, but it never used to feel like being stuck. It hardly felt strange either—unless he
wanted to keep him longer than he should, because then it felt like he was taking advantage
of Sirius’ friendship.

Last night he found himself exactly where he is now, only he knew something was off. Like
he couldn’t focus on the colors of things and it didn’t feel like there was a universe outside of
the bed’s curtains. Sirius was there too.

And it was—well, it was normal. They were just talking, and he can’t remember what the
conversation was about anymore. Not when a few minutes later he was being pressed down
into his own pillow by fervent kisses. He’s seen Sirius kiss a girl before, so his brain must
have taken her out and put him in like a jigsaw puzzle, and it doesn’t make him feel any
better.

It wasn’t some quick thing either—and thankfully nothing more happened because Remus
might have jumped the window from self hatred—but it certainly went on for a while.

He woke himself up, face burning and breath heavy. Overall…feeling disgusting.

It’s Sirius’ fifteenth birthday, and yesterday he had a terrible fight with his brother. There
couldn’t have been a worse time for this to happen to him, because today is all about Sirius,
and he can’t just avoid him. On top of that, if he pretends he doesn’t exist for even a moment,
he knows it will add to the hurt Regulus started.

So basically, Remus is totally fucked.

Breakfast is weird. Everything tastes bland and dry and Sirius is right next to him grabbing
his own food. Remus wanted James beside him because that usually means Sirius will sit
across from James, putting him at the furthest possible spot. But then James sat at his
diagonal and Peter next to James.

He thinks practically bumping shoulders with the friend whose hair he had his hands
artificially tangled in last night is the worst thing to ever happen to him. Okay, maybe top
five. It could definitely be worse for him, but that doesn’t mean he’s close to happy about his
current situation.

“You okay, Moony?” Sirius asks lightheartedly, pulling an over easy egg onto his plate.

Oh, of course. Without really looking at him, Remus nods and scoops too much oatmeal into
his mouth.

Sirius hums contemplatively. “You’re not in a mood, are you?”

“Nope,” he mutters around a lot of food. “Just uh…tired. Didn’t sleep well.”

“Well, don’t worry, you’re not the only one.” Sirius lightly elbows his side and Remus
promptly bursts into flames. He stirs his oatmeal around in the bowl with a face hot just from
a stupid elbow tap. He’s fucked.

“Maybe you’re coming down with something,” James adds. “You look a bit red in the face
mate, fever and poor sleep…mmh, bad sign.”

“What—that’s—“ Remus stumbles, then chuckles very stiffly. “No. I’m not ill. I’m fine,
James.”

James shrugs. “If you say so. Better be, we’ve got Sirius’ birthday to celebrate,” he says,
turning to Sirius. “Considering the uh…y’know, yesterday of it all, do you want a party?”
Sirius’ playful look suddenly fades into something a big more somber, but it’s so slight
Remus could have made it up. “Definitely a party.”

“Ooh, brilliant,” Peter exclaims. “You all missed the last one Frank held.”

“Actually, we caught cleanup,” James jokingly points out. “Looked fun, though. Would you
want something like that?”

Sirius thinks about it for a long moment, a bit longer than Remus would have expected. It’s
like he’s considering pros and cons of how good of a distraction a big party would be from
his brother. Remus just wishes that he wouldn’t use his birthday like this.

“Yeah, that’s what I want, maybe bigger,” Sirius says. “Peter, you said he had drinks right?”

Peter nods. “Yeah, I uh…I had a couple. It was good. Firewhisky.”

“Mhm, get me that. I’ve never had a real party drink, it was always wine and the like.”

“Will do!”

Sirius grins. “Fantastic.”

Sirius really decided to make this a big thing, as it turns out. After hours of invites and
organizing with the common room unofficially banned from the first and second years,
people are starting to arrive. Amongst all of this, he also decided to look stunning which had
Remus tripping over himself.

Despite the stabbing pangs of guilt he gets every time he thinks about it, Remus is so human,
he can’t help himself. At one point, Sirius and Frank had been charming some streamers to
float, and with his wand pointed upwards, a cut of his shirt rose up and exposed a sliver of
pale skin. Remus had been helping Peter carry some stuff in and had walked right into the
sofa.

The universe loves to laugh at him, and Remus feels like he’s going crazy all over again.

He was so content with where he was existing just outside Sirius’ sphere. What does it mean
when one dream later he suddenly has an itch to kiss his face stupid? At that thought, he
shakes his head to rid it. If Sirius knew what he was thinking, he’d surely find that violating.

One good piece of advice he remembers from Oliver back home is to not get drunk and do
something very stupid to your best friend unless you want a black eye and to never see them
again. Remus will not touch a single drink tonight. There will be loads of people here too,
judging by the fact that James is still out charmingly inviting them. He doesn’t even need to
be near Sirius tonight.

Remus has this under control.

The Gryffindors come down first, including the rest of Frank’s roommates, over half the
upper class students, and all the girls in their year except for Lily. Remus has been looking
for an opportunity to really speak to her all week, but it’s impossible when she hides out in
her room all the time now. He hopes she’s okay, but he doubts it. She’s never been like this
before.

James returns soon after with Marlene at his side who speaks with enthusiasm.

“Wow, I’ll never get sick of seeing the inside of this place,” she gapes, looking around. “It’s
so…red.”

“I know,” James beams. “Don’t you love it?”

It doesn’t take Dorcas too long to steal her away from James and bring her over to her
friends. Mary’s brought her record player again and there’s a large array of folders people
must have piled together for party music.

By the time the other Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs get there, it’s certainly the largest
gathering Remus has ever seen in this one room. He doesn’t recognize the vast majority, and
he wonders if James did either, or if he just brought in as many people as possible to fill the
room. It’s sort of funny watching him dip in and out to open the door since they can’t get in,
though.

“Hey!” James shouts to shut everyone up. Currently he stands atop one of the wobbly tables.
“Not a word to the professors, you hear? Be cool, it’s Sirius’ birthday!” He points over to
Sirius, who waves giddily as cheers and happy birthday’s sound through the room.

It’s pretty obvious Sirius doesn’t recognize everybody, but most seem to know him. He
wonders how that must feel, it’s typically the opposite for Remus. Always knowing, hardly
known.

“Okay! Otherwise, drinks over there, snacks there, and uh…yep, that’s it!”

———

The first place Sirius is drawn to is the many bottles the older students brought for him. He’s
drank before, and the last time he did ended terribly, but this is different. There is no pressure
on his shoulders, no family around, no journalists, no big wedding dresses to bump into.

He hasn’t thought about the wedding in a long time.

Sirius swirls the firewhisky around in its bottle before taking his first ever swig of it.
Immediately, it burns the back of his throat and he coughs a couple of times to rid the feeling.
Slowly, it melts into something more like warmth and a tingling in his fingertips.

He hums, pulling it away and reading the bottle. Party drinks, huh.
“How is it then?” James loudly asks, suddenly at his side. Sirius grins.

“Ought to try and see for yourself, no?”

James’ mouth opens and closes a couple of times in indecision. “Well, I’m—I’ve had
Butterbeer!”

“Everyone’s had Butterbeer, mate,” Sirius says with an eye roll. “C’mon, it’s my birthday!”

“Ohh…you’re right. Drink around the little leaf, yeah?” James opens a bottle for himself and
happily clinks it against Sirius’. Seconds after the bottle touches his lips he wrinkles up his
nose, then it melts into a more pleasant look. “That’s…I feel tingles.”

“In the fingertips right?”

He nods, pulling in another large sip. “Yeah, that’s good. Get me these on my birthday, I’ll be
a happy boy.”

Before Sirius can reply, a couple of students he has never seen before move between them to
grab drinks, to which he and James give each other an amused look. He motions his head for
them to move on and talk to someone else in the crowd, James goes with a big grin on his
face.

He really has no idea where James got most of these people from, he must have just said
birthday party at Gryffindor Tower and let it run wild. This is far from a birthday party. At
least there’s music, even if he doesn’t know it. The first two people he recognizes are Frank
and Alice sharing the same sofa seat talking with somebody, so he leaves that alone.

“Sirius!” He hears called out. Sirius spins around, looking for the person— finding Marlene
waving high and beaming. “Potter too!”

“Oh, what’s it, McKinnon?” James jests, sauntering over to her, Dorcas and Mary at her side.
“And Dorcas, I never said, you played brilliantly yesterday. Shame it’s postponed.”

Dorcas smiles sweetly. “Thank you! Most of what I know is from Marlene, here, so you
should be thanking her!”

“Come off it!” Marlene exclaims. “It was all her, Potter, I taught her how to play catch.”

All of this talk of yesterday makes Sirius take a step back and down another long lasting swig
of his drink. His nerves need something to settle, he’s heard some alcohol doesn’t hurt.
James’ bottle is already mostly empty, so maybe it’s made him forget how much Sirius never
wants to talk about it ever again.

Regulus was right there, and they could’ve worked something out. He fucked up, he knows
that, but his brother has never shown how much he hates him so blatantly. It didn’t feel like
something Walburga told him to say like it used to, this is something he really believes and he
told him, he told him he thinks something is wrong with him—

Sirius quietly downs the rest of what’s left while James makes conversation beside him.
Mary might be in a similar situation to him in a respect, she’s silent and has looked less than
herself all week. Not to mention how her hand is also wrapped around a near empty bottle.

“Alright, Mary?” He asks to grab her attention.

She blinks out of a daze to look up to him. “Uh—yeah, sorry. I just totally spaced out there.”

“No problem really, I’m in the same boat, I think.”

“Huh.”

It takes him a moment to realize, but James, Marlene, and Dorcas have quickly left the two of
them alone. Why? He’d like James back at his side.

Sirius purses his lips and watches her fiddle with the glass in hand. “How’s Evans, by the
way? I feel like we should put up a missing poster soon.”

“Oh, well…” Mary mumbles, eyes diverting. “I mean she’s…we haven’t really…I dunno. I
miss her even though I see her all the time in our room. It’s just sort of strange.”

From that description alone, it immediately reminds Sirius of how Remus isolated himself
after he nearly found out he was a Werewolf. He has experience, and he knows what got his
friend’s head to clear after months of being caught up in it.

“Maybe you could talk to her then,” he suggests with a shrug. “I thought it was pretty bad,
but not this bad, you’d think she killed somebody!”

She grimaces then finishes the last of her firewhisky. “But that’s the thing, I don’t forgive her.
And—look, I don’t want to talk about this, okay? This is your day, I’m celebrating!”

It comes out rather fake, but Mary clinks their emptied bottles together anyway. “You want to
get another with me?” She asks, quickly shifting the conversation. Sirius nods, and they walk
side-by-side through the crowd.

After the incident in the courtyard, Sirius decided that ignoring Mary wasn’t what he wanted.
They’re still friends, and it doesn’t seem like either want to change that, perhaps Remus and
Lily are just…wrong. Even with her new dulled attitude, Mary is still as sweet as ever. They
toast while opening their second drink of the night.

“To fifteen,” he smiles. “And you’re not so far off.”

Mary smiles too. “To fifteen.”

Another few sips down, and they separate. Sirius has completely lost sight of James, but then
it hits him that someone else has been missing the entire time. He scans the room, but there
are far too many people around him to really see anything. He moves back around the crowd,
getting a ‘happy birthday’ every few steps. He thanks them all of course, it’s like habit.

The mandrake leaf is pressed to the inside of his cheek, a reminder that they really did have
to start over. What’s worse is that Peter fumbled his chance at getting it done first, and now
he’s stuck with the leaf again too. It’s like they’re back to square one, which doesn’t make
him feel any good. Usually he and James can just do things first try and it’ll work out for
them. They need to put some more elbow grease, apparently.

Sirius has now circled most of the large common room, and Remus is nowhere to be found.
He hasn’t gone upstairs already, has he?

He frowns a little. Surely Remus wouldn’t just leave. It’s obvious this isn’t his area, but it’s
his birthday, and Remus always sticks around.

But as if Merlin heard him or something, a few heads move to the side and give him an open
line of sight to his lovely friend on his own in a corner. Sirius smiles and quickly moves over
to him, a bit light on his feet.

“Moony!” He exclaims, and Remus catches wind of him, eyes wide. “You know, hiding out
will do nothing but make me very sad.”

“Ah, yeah…” Remus mutters. Sirius almost didn’t hear it. “Sorry, I’m just—I’m not like
you.”

Sirius waves him off with his occupied hand. “Nonsense! Hey, you should try a little of this,
it’s good. And it’s my birthday.”

“Definitely not.”

He frowns teasingly, holding his mostly full bottle out. “C’mon…you don’t need a whole
drink, just one sip! You’re so stiff, and I am so lax.”

Remus scoffs a laugh. “I’m not drinking from your bottle.”

“I mean, I’m not diseased or anything. Merlin, didn’t realize you were a germaphobe,” Sirius
says. “You can sky it though, come on! I’ll re-nickname you something very rude if you
don’t.”

Finally, Remus gives in with a sigh accompanied by an eye roll. “Fine, since you’re so
persistent.”

“It’s like my middle name.”

“Sirius Persistent Black.”

“Exactly,” Sirius affirms, pushing the bottle back in Remus’ face. “Now drink up!”

First he sniffs it, eyebrows furrowing. Then he tips his head back and lets the firewhisky pour
into his open mouth without touching the rim. A drop or so misses, and it trails along his soft
jaw before seeping into his collar. Sirius blinks.

Remus wipes his mouth while making a little noise of grossed out discomfort. He hands the
bottle back. Slowly, Sirius takes it, face and neck suddenly warm.
“It’s…not that bad,” he admits slowly. Sirius nods dumbly. “Um, I could get my own. But…
probably not now.”

“Uh huh.”

Remus frowns at him. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I think so…” Sirius mutters, questioning his own body. It must be some weird side
effect of firewhisky.

A shocking amount of cheering pulls their attention away from each other and towards the
noise. James is up on a table, Marlene beside him, and they’re both messily chugging a bottle
down. It’s actually quite the sight.

“Shit…” Remus chuckles.

Sirius glances down at his bottle then back up at the stage James and Marlene have made for
themselves. He grins, patting Remus on the back to say, “Be right back,” and dash towards
them.

“James!” He calls while climbing the table.

The two of them have made a complete mess of themselves, the tawny liquid staining the
front of their shirts.

“Sirius!” James exclaims, grabbing onto his arm excitedly. “I was looking all over for you!”

He waves him off quickly, tapping his bottle. “Doesn’t matter, c’mon!”

James turns the bottle over, a couple of lingering drops falling from the rim. “All empty mate,
I need—uhh does anyone…?” A girl below them thrusts an open bottle up towards him.
“Thank y—did you drink from this? Okay whatever, I don’t care, maybe I will next week.
You okay, Marls?”

Marlene blinks harshly, nodding. “I need a second, your throat’s not burning?”

“Yeah, but it’s kinda nice, no?”

“No…not yet.”

James shrugs, then does a mini toast with Sirius and crosses their arms to down another
bottle. Fucking hell, Marlene wasn’t so far off, doing this much this fast doesn’t do wonders
for the burning. His slightly hazy mind decides to open his eyes and look around the room as
his throat scorches.

He gets a real view from here, seeing mostly the tops of people’s heads below him. Other
than that are the corners of the room, where he’s still being watched. For example, Remus is
still there and giving him a look that appears both tense and…maybe shocked? He isn’t sure,
it’s hard to see from here. But for some reason, it makes his throat close up. Sirius breaks the
seal from the bottle to cough, far too much of the firewhisky missing his mouth and pouring
down his front.

James uncrosses their arms and begins to cackle, a head thrown back kind of laughter.
Meanwhile, the firewhisky is snaking its way up his spine and setting his face into a hot glow
again. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this, and he likes it. It’s sort of exhilarating, weirdly
human.

Sirius hops down, snatching a third bottle and wiping his mouth. Keeping his promise, he
runs back to Remus. His shirt is totally fucked, but he can charm it out tomorrow.

“I’m baaack!” He lilts, bumping his elbow into Remus’ arm. “I didn’t do good at all, but
that’s okay. How’s corner life?”

Remus shakes his head, a slight smile twitching on his lips. “You don’t have to come here,
y’know. You can enjoy yourself with everyone else.”

“I am enjoying myself.”

“…Clearly.”

Sirius checks the state of himself out and shrugs. “That’s a tomorrow problem. Not my fault I
bloody choked. Shit’s hot, my throat is on fire still, I’m just very good at covering it up,” he
says matter-of-factly.

“Not really, your voice is a bit…raspy,” Remus replies, face red from embarrassment. Or…
something, there’s nothing embarrassing going on.

“It is?”

“I mean…uh—oh, James is…” Remus grimaces, looking past him. “Now doing another
bottle with Mary.”

He laughs, glancing back. “What, he’s just taking turns? He’s gonna regret this tomorrow,
what’s that number four? Five?”

“One way to learn a life lesson, really. Do you know where Peter is?”

Sirius furrows his brows. “Uh…no. He’s probably in the crowd somewhere.”

“S’pose.”

———

The universe is really testing him today. For some reason, Sirius really wants to be stuck with
him tonight despite how boring he is being on purpose. Remus doesn’t care that much about
trying out firewhisky or being just a bit closer to everyone, but he assumed that Sirius would
forget he was even here and be by James the whole party.

The reality is, Sirius loses most of his self awareness after a couple drinks. Here they are,
watching James and Mary, and there Sirius is, shoulder pressed to his.

He’s already having a hard time after Sirius jumped up on a table and attempted to chug a
drink, only failing after catching his eye. The reason behind that is lost on him, but it doesn’t
help the warmth everywhere.

He is just a terrible person, any good person would side step to not be in the same personal
space, but Remus doesn’t. Sirius just has this energy today that he wants to soak up and live
with forever. He’s grinning at James up front, sharp canines peeking below his upper lip.
There’s the mole next to his left brow, and from here he can spot another faint one just below
his jaw.

“Someone ought to stop him, Moony,” Sirius quietly remarks, eyes moving to make contact
with his. “I think it might have to be me…”

“Mhm…”

Sirius’ eyebrow twitches as he scans Remus’ dazed expression. “I’m about to go be

responsible, watch me!”

And off he goes back to the center, where James is—staggering a lot—but now up with
Frank. He’s a terrible Prefect, really.

Remus finally lets out a real breath, though. His chest is about ten stone lighter with one less
presence. Maybe this is a one day long thing and he’ll never be plagued with thoughts of his
friend’s lips anymore.

He’s pulling a stumbling James off the table and bringing him over to one of the sofas.
Clumsily, Sirius charms up some water into his hand and quickly pats it to James’ forehead.
The latter looks like he’s insisting that he’s on top of the world, but Sirius is bickering back.
Despite their collective stupidity, at least they take care of each other.

Not too long afterwards, Peter’s coming through the portrait hole with a seriously large cake
Remus doesn’t know how he snuck up. He puts a little skip in his step to help Peter get it on a
table. Sirius gasps in surprise and James drunkenly pumps his arms up. Apparently, James
wasn’t just inviting people over, he also secretly had an order put in.

Most of them surround Sirius while he makes a wish and blows out the candles, and Remus
sort of wants to know what he’s wished for. He doesn’t really believe in things like this, but
it’s clear Sirius does. Even drunk, there’s that look in his eyes.

———
NOVEMBER 5, 1974

Are you ok?

James slides his little piece of paper across the table and waits for a response. It’s Ancient
Runes and he’s still stuck beside Regulus, might as well make the best of it.

First of all, Sirius’ birthday has now become a blur of events like a muggle picture book
someone spilled water onto. Little snapshots, and the colors bleed out into the pages so most
of it is unidentifiable. Yesterday was hellish too, James skipped all of his classes Monday just
because he couldn’t get up. Sure, he could have gone to Madam Pomfrey, but then she’d tell
McGonagall and then Minnie would know what he did. Then she could tell his parents and
they would know too.

So…no, James didn’t go get a potion for his horrible headache. He got to spend the whole
day in the dorm with Sirius, though. That was pretty great other than the very obvious anxiety
about Sirius’ brother plaguing him every time it got silent.

Here in class he thought, why not just ask how he’s doing and relay it back to Sirius? Only
three days after watching the kid freefall about fifty meters he’s back in class just as
miserable as ever. Meaning…probably alright.

As soon as his note hits Regulus’ line of sight, his mouth twists into a sneer. Instead of
writing back like James had hoped, he places his elbow on the desk and his cheek into his fist
to block James out of view.

He frowns a little. “Can I at least get a thumb up?” James whispers.

Regulus clenches his jaw and shakes his head ever-so-slightly.

“Sirius wants to know,” he sort of lies. It’s not really fabrication, Sirius just hasn’t said it out
loud.

At the mention of his brother, Regulus stiffens up further, about as still as a statue. “Liar.”

“No—“

“Good party?”

James falls silent, slowly tapping his quill to the table. Regulus laughs quietly, but it’s
fleeting and bitter, hardly a laugh. More like a scoff. He then moves his arm just a bit so his
face is more in view.

“Sirius isn’t as good as you’d like him to be,” Regulus continues, eyes on the desk. “We want
nothing to do with one another, stop interfering. As if I’d cooperate with you.”

James isn’t sure what he’s done other than the couple of incidents last year where Regulus
hexed him. They don’t even really speak despite sitting next to one another. The only times
 they do is during partner assignments Professor Babbling gives them, but even then they
don’t work well together. Regulus is too fussy about all of his work being perfect and likes
doing things separately. Despite this, they always get the same scores.

“Okay,” James mumbles, dipping his quill in ink to write in a translation. “Then I’m asking
not because of Sirius, but because I want to.”

“I’m not obligated to tell you anything.”

“You’re right, you aren’t,” he agrees.

Regulus frowns with his usual lowered brows and tired eyes. “I’m fine.”

Sometimes James wonders how he doesn’t constantly have a headache making that face.
Perhaps he does, he wouldn’t know. He also wonders how Sirius feels knowing James sees
his brother more often than he does. Perhaps he doesn’t think about it. It’s not like he’s ever
asked if they talk, but he wouldn’t be the only one that keeps things to himself.

James hasn’t snuck out since last week—which now that he thinks about it, has felt like the
longest week ever—and he doesn’t know how to feel. Even with the mountains of attention
he’s gotten this week for the fight, Quidditch, and the party, he’s too nervous to give himself
some time. There’s just that constant little voice in the back of his mind telling him
something terrible will happen if he does.

Realizing he hasn’t replied to Regulus, he simply says, “That’s good,” and they don’t speak
to one another for the rest of class.

———

Chapter End Notes

Can you believe it took 324k words for Remus to start being like “I think I want to kiss
Sirius” like this is…
Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!