A MAN AND ETIQUETTE

Written By Antonio Centeno

Edition 2 – 2017

A Man And Etiquette – 2nd Ed 2017 – Copyright Real Men Real Style Page 1
TABLE OF CONTENTS

Copyright, Legal Notice & Disclaimer

Intoduction
Etiquette vs. Manners: An Important Distinction
The Fundamentals of Etiquette
1. Awareness
2. Thoughtfulness
3. Confidence

Basic Social Etiquette: Day-to-Day Situations

1. Others First, Then You
2. Be a Positive Presence
3. Make the Thoughtful Gestures

Business Etiquette: Work Situations

1. Above All Else, Do No Harm
2. Listen, Then Talk
3. Be the Nice Guy in the Room

Event Etiquette: Special Situations

1. Know the Expectations
2. Speak Quietly and Cheer Loudly
3. Give the Hosts Their Due

Conclusion: Remembering the Basics Not the Rules

Recommended Products

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COPYRIGHT, LEGAL NOTICE & DISCLAIMER

This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other
applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are
reserved, including resale rights: you are not allowed to give or sell this Guide
to anyone else.

Please note that much of this publication is based on personal experience and
anecdotal evidence.

Although the author and publisher have made every reasonable attempt to
achieve complete accuracy of the content in this Guide, they assume no
responsibility for errors or omissions.

Also, you should use this information as you see fit, and at your own risk. Your
particular situation may not be exactly suited to the examples illustrated here;
in fact, it's likely that they won't be the same, and you should adjust your use of
the information and recommendations accordingly.

Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed
to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference.
There is no implied endorsement if we use one of these terms.

Finally, use your head. Nothing in this Guide is intended to replace common
sense, legal, medical or other professional advice, and is meant to inform and
entertain the reader. So have fun and learn to dress sharp!

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INTODUCTION

There are few words that generate less excitement in a male audience than
"etiquette."

On the scale of things men like to talk about it usually ranks somewhere
between contemporary dance and nail polish.

But it matters.It matters a lot, actually.

Etiquette is as much a part of your appearance as the cut of your suit. It affects
how everyone perceives you, from the waiter you tip to the person watching
you tip them.

A man who dresses like a gentleman but behaves like a bully isn't going to be
mistaken for a gentleman for very long.

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ETIQUETTE VS. MANNERS: AN IMPORTANT
DISTINCTION

"But what about all those crazy

rules?" I hear you cry.

Huge, thick manuals on manners

can have that effect on people. It
makes sense -- why, after all, if
we're a good and well-meaning
person, should we be judged on
which spoon we use for our
soup?

And who has time to remember

all that?

Happily, you don't have to

remember a bunch of specific
rules, at least not most of the
time.

Manners are slightly different

from etiquette, though they are
an important part of it in some
circumstances:

• Etiquette means the way you handle yourself as a part of society. It is,
fundamentally, the sum of your behaviors and how they measure up to
other people's expectations.

• Manners are specific customs and habits accepted as normal and proper
behavior. Your manners are the rules and rituals that you perform
publicly.

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An easy way to understand the difference: you can make a list of manners, but
you can't make a list of "etiquettes."

So stop worrying about soup spoons. There are a tiny handful of situations
where navigating two dozen pieces of silverware is expected behavior -- and
in those situations, the proper etiquette is to take the time to learn the
expected manners.

But unless you're having tea with the Queen or attending a white-color, seven-
course dinner, knowing the particulars of exotic flatware isn't basic manners.

The purpose of this guide is to teach you etiquette, not manners. The rules
aren't rules. They're common-sense guidelines for how to think and act like a
gentleman.

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THE FUNDAMENTALS OF ETIQUETTE

Good etiquette is not adherence to rules; it is a way of thought and behavior.

At its core, it is really very little more than a conscious attempt to be a positive
contributor to human society rather than a negative one.

Different writers have suggested different principles of etiquette, but in my

experience it comes down to three simple fundamentals:

• Awareness
• Thoughtfulness
• Confidence

1. Awareness

Awareness is knowing your situation and the expectations other people will
have of you in it.

Consider our example from the first section: in most situations, no one will
ever expect you to know which spoon is for which soup course. Most
situations don't even have a soup course, much less multiple ones.

However, a man who finds himself in one of those situations should be aware
of the new expectations. Fancy dinners don't usually happen unexpected, so a
gentleman will take the time to dust off Emily Post and memorize the basics of
tableware if he does find himself invited to such an event.

This is the first fundamental of etiquette. It is the art of reading a situation and
determining what people will expect of you. In most cases, this is as simple as
watching quietly and being a thoughtful observer for a few minutes before
acting -- a good default behavior in almost any circumstance.

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2. Thoughtfulness

"Will this action make a positive impact on the people around me?"

Any action can be tested with that simple question. And an action that fails
bears hard thought before you do it.

We can't make everyone happy all of the time. But there's a big difference
between facing the unpleasant necessity of disappointing or frustrating
someone and thoughtlessly doing something that causes needless bad
feelings.

Thoughtfulness means considering how your actions change the lives or

experiences of others, not just yourself.

It's important to note that thoughtfulness isn't just avoiding rude or offensive
things. It's the principle of doing things that make life better for everyone, in
big or little ways.

Avoidance of conflict is a good start -- but it's hardly the pinnacle of thoughtful
behavior.

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3. Confidence

There's really very little more awkward or damaging to a social situation than
a man floundering about trying to do the right thing without knowing quite
what that is.

As contradictory as it sounds, one of the most important rules of polite

behavior is never appearing frustrated or confused by the rules of polite
behavior.

Awareness and thoughtfulness help enormously with this, of course, which is

why they're the other two pillars of good etiquette.

But being able to do the right thing without making a big deal out of it is just as
important.

Confidence is not aggression or over-assertiveness, of course. If you're making

a noticeable show of behaving politely you're not behaving politely.

Confidence should be invisible -- it is the driving force that allows thoughtful,

polite behavior to happen smoothly and seamlessly.

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BASIC SOCIAL ETIQUETTE: DAY-TO-DAY SITUATIONS

The most necessary form of

etiquette is also the easiest to
master.

How should a man behave in his

daily life, from his walk to work to
dinner and drinks after?

Turns out the answer is short,

consistent, and common-sense.

1. Others First, Then You

This is a rule that applies to literal

situations ("here, you go first") and
to more figurative ones (politely
letting other people make the
toasts or speeches).

A gentleman can take care of

himself.

As such, he should never need to

cut in line, take the larger portion,
speak at length about himself, or
cut someone else off in
conversation.

Anyone who advises you to do those things isn't teaching assertiveness -- he's
teaching bullying.

This is nothing more than the assumption that other people's happiness
matters and that your actions can affect it. Believe that and you've already
mastered most of etiquette.

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2. Be a Positive Presence

Putting the needs of other's first doesn't mean being a wallflower. A neutral
presence isn't a presence at all.

Always be ready to be the guy who introduces himself with a firm handshake
and clear, unbroken eye contact.

An amazing number of men aren't that guy -- so you'll find yourself rescuing
less adept men and bringing them into the social interaction, which in turn
leaves them grateful for and happy about your presence.

Above all, don't ever let yourself stray into negativity. Complaining in public
never makes you look good, even when it's about something that everyone
around you also hates (waiting in line at airport security, say, or the
construction outside the building).

Laugh, shrug, and change the conversation to something happier. That way
your company isn't associated with people's negative feelings about other
matters.

Learn how to speak like a gentleman in this video:

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3. Make the Thoughtful Gestures

One of Emily Post's famous sayings was that "asking if you can help isn't
courtesy -- doing it is."

Go ahead and do small, thoughtful things without asking. Treat them as

assumed, rather than as something you've gone out of your way to do.

People will notice. In this day and age, they'll be amazed. And it takes so little:

• Hold doors. Never make a show of diving for one, of course. But make
the small moves you need well in advance so that you can always hold a
door for your companion, regardless of gender relationship.

If the physical realities of the situation make it more convenient for

someone else to get the door, accept with grace, and wait for next time.

• Greet with a handshake, smile, and eye contact. Say your name. Don't
save this behavior for formal meet-and-greet events or business
meetings.

Do it with the clerk at the bookstore or the bartender at a place you've

never been, if you're going to be exchanging more than one simple
question and answer with them.

Treat every person like their first impression of you matters -- because
it should.

• Dress neatly. You don't have to overdress, but your outfits should always
look like outfits, rather than just clothes.

Use neat little touches like the right belt, a pocket square, or even just a
fresh shine on your shoes to show that you care about details.

• Use "sir" and "ma'am." This never, ever hurts. Many people will tell you
"Oh, just call me [name]" as soon as you do it, and then you can switch.
But they'll remember that you started politely.

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These are the small differences that set gentlemen apart from just men.

They're almost mind-numbingly easy, and almost no one thinks to do them. Be

the minority that does.

Want to know the 10 bad business handshakes? Watch this video:

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BUSINESS ETIQUETTE: WORK SITUATIONS

One of the joys of business etiquette is that it's consistent.

The same basic courtesies apply whether the situation is a $2,500-a-head

fundraiser dinner or a casual lunch between a new author and his/her literary
agent.

Specific rules (manners, remember) will differ based on your setting, although
there's a good deal of consistency there, too.

You may need to brush up on individual expectations if you're attending a

fancy dinner, black tie gala, or similar formal event.

But the etiquette for any kind of business encounter, inside the office or out,
remains the same:

1. Above All Else, Do No Harm

The often-misattributed maxim doesn't actually appear in the Hippocratic

Oath that doctors take, but it's a fantastic rule for business etiquette.

No matter where you are or what your profession is, it depends on the good
will of others. Every impression matters. Therefore, make every impression a
good one. Weigh your actions and choose only the ones that are positive and
considerate of others.

Another good maxim to keep in mind is that "reputation takes a lifetime to

build, but a moment to destroy." Be a little conservative in your actions and
deeds. It not only gives other people time and space to be heard (which they
always appreciate), it saves you from potentially disastrous missteps.

A few things that should always be avoided in any business setting:

• Raising your voice in anger. If you're shouting, you're probably wrong

about what you're saying. You're also making a bad impression on
everyone who can hear you. Don't.

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 • Swearing. Some offices are full of it; some offices aren't. Doesn't matter.
Don't get into the habit and you won't ever do it around the wrong
person. It's useless filler anyway -- little more than a glorified "um" --
and over time it teaches people that they don't have to listen to every
word you say.

• Physical contact. Beyond a handshake (firm, brief, with eye contact) you
shouldn't be touching co-workers, clients, or anyone else at the office or
event. This is especially true across genders, but applies to everyone.

• Sloppy dress. Casual is fine -- if it's appropriate for the setting -- but
messy is not. Shirts should be tucked in; shoes should be shined. You
want people to see a man who cares about details when they look at
you.

• Negative comments. About anything. Rainy day, Cubs lost the fifth
straight; business deal fell through and cost you thousands of dollars --
doesn't matter. Don't be the guy who can't stop hammering on the
negatives. Take a deep breath, limit yourself to a strained "wish that
hadn't gone that way," and move on (to constructive solutions, if
possible/relevant).

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2. Listen, Then Talk

A polite businessman is a good businessman. Don't let pushy deal-makers

convince you that it's a weakness to listen, think, and then speak carefully and
to the other person's interests.

People like to talk. Let them. It gives you the double advantage of making them
feel good about your company and giving you personal details to remember.
Consider everything they're saying seriously, and address it in your response
before going on to present your own views. Good phrases include:

• "Tell me more."
• "[Name], I'm interested what your take on this is."
• "That's interesting."
• "That's right, [Name], didn't you tell me you [relevant personal detail]?"

Your own response, of course, can and should follow.

If you're dealing with a gentleman, they'll afford you the same courtesy (and
at the very least you've set a good example).

Curious about online introduction etiquette? Click here to watch a video.

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But giving the other person that
chance to talk makes you come
across as an easy person to get
along with -- someone it's pleasant
to do business with.

Practically speaking, this is a skill

that will also make you a better
negotiator.

Aggressive business talk and tough

deal-making works on people who
are easily bullied, and you don't
find easily-bullied people in charge
of important businesses.

The guys who call the shots are not

going to be impressed by bluster
and short-term, win-it-now
attitudes.

Demonstrating courtesy also demonstrates wisdom, long-term thinking, and

an ability to understand cost/benefit analysis. So you get to do the right thing
and help your career.

Nice, right?

3. Be the Nice Guy in the Room

Look for small opportunities to establish yourself as a nice guy. If you're at a

restaurant, tip well. Hold doors for people. Bring a couple spare pens in case
someone needs one.

This doesn't have to translate into the actual deal-making, if any takes place --
giving business concessions you don't want to isn't part of being a gentleman.
But taking it upon yourself to make everyone's life a little easier during the
meeting is, and it's a good way to be remembered fondly.

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Be cautious of overdoing it, however. Business etiquette is a more
conservative one than general social etiquette. Certain gestures may be seen
as inappropriate:

• Gifts are almost never appropriate in a business setting. No matter how

well-meant, there is always the hint of impropriety. Exceptions occur in
situations where business could not possibly be affected, such as at
someone's retirement or going-away party, or on specific occasions like
Secretary's Day.

• Pulling out chairs for a lady to sit or when she rises is not appropriate.
Let everyone handle their own chairs unless there is a physical need for
assistance.

• Payment for business meals should always rest on the person who
issued the invitation. Offering to pay is not necessary if you did not
initiate the meeting or event. If you are the planner or host, you should
not suggest splitting the check or accept someone else's offer to pay.

What is proper etiquette during meetings? Watch this video to find out.

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EVENT ETIQUETTE: SPECIAL SITUATIONS

Weddings. Baby showers. Funerals. Award dinners. End-of-season sports

team parties. They all have their own special rules, and who can keep track of
them, right?

Well, mostly it's actually pretty easy.

The setting of a special event may affect a few of the specific manners you'll be
expected to observe -- what to wear, whether to bring gifts, and so on. But the
general behavior of a gentleman invited to attend a special occasion is
remarkably consistent:

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1. Know the Expectations

There are going to be some specific rules. Take some time to learn them.

If there's a specific dress code, the invitation will usually say. If there is no
dress code and you're unsure what's appropriate, you have a couple options:

• Quietly ask a few friends who are also attending

• If it's at a private venue, call the staff and ask what typical attire is
• If all else fails, write a polite e-mail to the hosts and ask

As a general default, however, you won't usually go wrong wearing slacks, a

collared shirt with a necktie, and a casual sports jacket for most informal
events.

The jacket and tie can be shed and the sleeves of the shirt rolled up if you find
yourself overdressed.

Other social expectations may include bringing a dish (potluck style) or

presents for a specific occasion.

These will be specified in the invitation. A small hostess gift is appropriate for
events where gifts are not expected -- chocolate, wine, or minor household
items like coasters and stemware are usually good options.

Don't be extravagant if it's not a gift-giving holiday like a birthday or

Christmas.

Events at places like restaurants, bars, or entertainment venues are

sometimes paid for by the hosts and sometimes split among guests. Ideally
your hosts will tell you in advance, but have enough cash on hand (including
some small bills) to make your part of bill-splitting easy if it does come up.

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2. Speak Quietly and Cheer Loudly

That phrase is shorthand for a deeply important idea: events that you are not
hosting are not about you. You are there to be an appreciative audience and
minor participant, not the center of attention.

Resist the temptation to be the man who gives unplanned toasts or speeches.
If you are asked to, of course, do so, with enthusiastic praise for your hosts,
but otherwise leave the talking to others. Your contribution should be limited
to polite conversation with other guests when no scheduled activities are
taking place.

Many people feel awkward at large social gatherings, so help them out -- if
there's a "mixer" period, take it upon yourself to offer a silent stranger a
handshake and your name. Ask them how they know the hosts, and lead them
into conversation. If you have friends with you, make the relevant
information. Then hush and let the conversation flow naturally.

3. Give the Hosts Their Due

Thank your hosts for the invitation and present them with any gifts you've
brought when you arrive. Thank them again when you leave, and write and
mail a letter or card (handwritten is always preferable) the next day.

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CONCLUSION: REMEMBERING THE BASICS NOT THE
RULES

At the end of a day the key thing to remember is not specifics. Don't get hung
up on "wait, do I go into the revolving door first, because it's polite to help get
it moving, or do I go in after to let the lady get first?" That's wasted brain-
power.

Etiquette is a state of mind and a way of life rather than a set of rules. It's
paying attention to your situation, thinking of other people first, and doing the
right thing without hesitation. In simplest terms:

• Awareness
• Thoughtfulness
• Confidence

That's all it takes. And it makes a huge difference in your life and in how other
people see you. Now go be a gentleman!

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