| PRODUCTION NOTES FARKUS and DILL: The two villains are not members of Ralphie’s class. ‘They are, however, used in production numbers that occur outside of school and, of course, in any scenes where they have lines. THE BUMPUS HOUNDS: In the original Broadway production, live trained dogs were used to great effect. If trained dogs are not available, itis suggested that adult or child actors might portray the animals or that puppets be used. Ifnot practical, all of The Old Man’s lines about—and to—the dogs may be played and delivered offstage before he enters the house and/or through the open door when he comes inside. BB GUNS: Inthe simpler times of 1940’s America, the wish fora Christmas or birthday BB gun was on many a young person’s list. It was a very common|gift in those days. Most of the instances of guns being used in this show, particularly by the ensemble, can be done with guns in boxes with a picture on the outside of the box (as appeared-oh the original Red Ryder box). Only in the fantasy, “Ralphie to the Rescue” and in the final moments of the show—when Ralphie unwraps his gift—do we actually see a real BB gun being held. CHINESE RESTAURANT: To cut the scene from the Chinese restaurant, follow these instructions starting at the top of page 127: THE OLD MAN. All right ... Let's get our coats. We are going out to eat, (Lights dim. Underscore #19: “A Christmas Story.”) {Cut to bottom of page 128.] (As lights come up to half.) JEAN. That Christmas would live in our memories as the Christ- mas when we were introduced to a Christmas duck. (#19: “A Christmas Story”) Ail up full on THE PARKERS as they consider the craziness of this particular holiday season.) [Cut ILD MAN & MOTHER. 'S ABIG SUCCESS [Cut to the top of page 130. Continue the song, cutting directions that mention eating, as THE PARKERS move toward home] | | 16 |A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (#1: “Overture”) 4 PROLOGUE (New York City. A street corner outside the radio studio at Station WOR. Christmas Eve, many years ago. At C is a Salvation Army SANTA, slowly and rhythmically ringing a hand bell next to a donation kettle hanging from a tripod. Anxious shoppers and businesspeople hurry along their way, ignoring SANTA and his bell. Near the end of the “Overture,” JEAN SHEPHERD, wearing an overcoat, gloves and hat enters. He stops, tosses a few coins into the kettle and begins to walk toward the suggestion of a radio studio that has materialized, in some form, DC. Perhaps a desk, containing a microphone, which may have an “On Air” sign attached. SANTA gives the bell a good-natured scolding ring, stopping JEAN, who pulls out a couple of bills and ceremoniously drops them into the kettle. As JEAN goes to leave, SANTA once more stops him with a rather violent ringing of the bell. JEAN, incredulous, tosses his remaining change in the bucket. SANTA resumes the rhyth- mic ringing and disappears from view. JEAN moves to the studio, removes his outer garments, signals to an unseen engineer, sits and speaks into a microphone.) JEAN (as the “Overture” ends, delivered with high energy, excitement and a wry, nostalgic sensibility). Hi, gang! Are you ready to play radio on this blustery, blizzardy Christmas Eve? I am if you are. Yes, once again, right here on WOR in the heart of Manhattan, it’s “The Jean Shepherd Show.”18 A Christmas Story, Ine Musical ACI (He blows “Charge!” on a kazoo,) Home of the greatest sto- ties ever told—by yours truly, of course. On my way into the studio, in the spanking December breeze, I passed by a Salvation Army Santa Claus listlessly tolling his bell, and remembered another Christmas, in another time, in anoth- er place, and ... a gun. I take you back to the exotic city of—(Anticlimactic.) Hohman, Indiana—where the state line ends abruptly in the icy, detergent-filled waters of Lake Michigan. Back in the day, Lake Michigan was so polluted you could run halfway to Milwaukee before you sank to the bottom. Any-the-how, it was there in Hohman, back in 1940, that I experienced my most important (#1a: “Transition to 1940”) JEAN (cont'd). Yuletide season. Now when’ say the word “I,” I don’t mean me, necessarily. It’s a universal “I.” And the “TI” in this particular story is Ralphie Parker. So sit back, turn up the volume and let’s go! (JEAN “orchestrates” the set change as the studio goes off, and the interior of the Parker house comes into view.) SCENE 1 (The Parker family house and outside. December 1, 1940.) MOTHER (impatiently). Ralphie! (Action onstage freezes.) JEAN. There it is! The house on Cleveland Street. (#2: “It All Comes Down to Christmas” [Part 1]) MOTHER (calling upstairs to RALPHIE and RANDY, with growing urgency). We have to go right now! I’m not kid- ding, boys! Do you want to miss it?(Action onstage freezes.) JEAN. My mother in the kitchen, trying in vain to get us bun- dled up and out the door. MOTHER. Ralphie! Randy! I mean now!! (RANDY enters from the upstairs, going downstairs, not ea- er to venture out into the blizzard.) RANDY. Aw, Mom! MOTHER. Randy—now! (Action onstage freezes.) JEAN. My kid brother Randy— RANDY (as MOTHER begins to dress him). Awwwwww ... (We see RALPHIE in his bedroom holding a magazine.) JEAN. And there I am with my December issue of The Open Road For Boys, itchingly, nervously, obsessing over a three-colored, framed, full-page back cover advertisement of the greatest gift a boy could ever hunger for—and real- izing that time was my enemy. RALPHIE. . GOODBYE NOVEMBER THANKSGIVING’S GONE NOW EV’RY HOUSE YOU PASS HAS A PLASTIC REINDEER ON ITS LAWN MOTHER (calling to upstairs, snappy). Ralphie! Please! RALPHIE, IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS THAT’S CLEAR TO SEE AND THERE’S A CERTAIN SOMETHING ‘THAT I WANT BENEATH MY TREE> Cunisuuas OLOTY, 1ne Musical ACTI MOTHER (calling to offstage). Frank! Start the cat, the boys are almost ready! RALPHIE (starts downstairs). THIS YEAR DON’T WANT ANOTHER PLAID TIE THIS YEAR CAN’T LET MY CHANCE PASS BY AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! MOTHER (fed up). Ralphie! RALPHIE (eagerly). THERE’S A GIFT I GOTTA GET AND ITALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS IKNOW THE CLOCK IS SET AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTAS PVE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY: FOUR DAYS AWAY! IHAFTA HURRY UP *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS DAY! (MOTHER helps RALPHIE into his coat. Outside, sounds of the BUMPUS HOUNDS barking are heard as THE OLD MAN enters.) THE OLD MAN. Get away! Get away! Shoo! Shoo! JEAN. And then there’s my old man— THE OLD MAN (disgruntled, this is a daily occurrence). Bum- pus! Call "em off. Bumpus! JEAN. My old man and the Bumpus hounds next door. THE OLD MAN. Get out of here you rotten—no no no! (The BUMPUS HOUNDS chase THE OLD MAN across the stage.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Bumpus! Call ’em off! ita.JEAN. Our neighbors, the Bumpuses, were so low down on the evolutionary chain they weren’t even included in Dar- win’s family tree, THE OLD MAN (firing off a'series of grumbled fake-swears), Consarned gadbits cummerbuts rackin’ frackin’ flick-flock- in’ sham-shuckin’ mangy mutts! RALPHIE (cobbling together a plan). ~ IHAVE A MISSION THAVE A PLAN IKNOW TO GET THAT GIFT I'VE REALLY GOTTA GET TO MY OLD MAN THE OLD MAN (entering the house). Stupid hillbillies! RALPHIE. AND THEN THERE’S MOTHER SHE CAN BE TOUGH. TLL DROP A COUPLE HINTS MAYBE THAT’LL BE ENOUGH! (RALPHIE makes an effort to get MOTHER to notice the Red Ryder BB gun advertisement.) MOTHER. The store windows are lit at six o’clock. You don’t want to miss it, do you, boys? RANDY (overlapping). Come on, Ralphie—we got to get to Higbee’s! JEAN (with nostalgic anticipation). Ah, Higbee’s. The high-wa- ter mark of the pre-Christmas season was the corner window at Higbee’s Department Store. The window was now packed with gifts galore. Including the gift of my constant yearning, (RANDY, MOTHER and THE OLD MAN exit outside as the house begins to ly away and the Parkers’ car is revealed)22 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI RALPHIE. THIS YEAR DON’T WANTA BOOK I WON’T READ THIS YEAR IKNOW THE THING THATI NEED AND I’M—RUNNING OUT OF TIME. RANDY, MOTHER & THE OLD MAN (a bit frenetic). TO HIGBEE’S THAT WINDOW! WE GOTTA GO! (THE PARKERS are in the car and drive downtown to Hig- bee's Department Store. Trees swirl by,) THE PARKERS. NOTA SECOND CAN WE SPARE *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS MOTHER & THE OLD MAN (exasperated). WE’RE PULLING OUT OUR HAIR "CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS THE PARKERS, WE’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS MOTHER. RALPHIE & RANDY. THE OLD MAN. AWAY AWAY AWAY AWAY THE PARKERS. WE HAFTA HURRY UP ’CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS DAY! (Music segues to the next song.) (#2a: “Tt All Comes Down to Christmas” [Part 2]) (Various children appear, in a dream-like state, filled with deep yearning.)ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 23 KIDS (SOPRANO 2). THIS YEAR I WANT A SHINY RED BIKE KIDS (ALTO). TWANT A MODEL TOY PLANE KIDS (SOPRANO 1). HOW "BOUT A LIONEL TRAIN! (Adults appear around them, forming. ‘family clusters.) ENSEMBLE & TOWNSMAN. THIS YEAR TOWNSMAN (grouchy). IWANT AWIFE WHO CAN COOK TOWNSWOMEN | & 2. I WANT MY KID TO EARN A’S TOWNSMEN 1, 2 & 3. THOPE THEY GIMME THAT RAISE! ALLKIDS. AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME! THE PARKERS & ADULT ENSEMBLE. WE’RE GETTING CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS ENSEMBLE. KIDS. WE'RE GETTING CLOSE THERE’S ONLY TWENTY-FOUR TO CHRISTMAS DAYS ENSEMBLE. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS ALL, TO CHRISTMAS DAY!24 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (A furry of activity as parents prepare themselves and their children for the bitter cold outside. Hats, gloves, and scarves abound) ENSEMBLE. WE’RE SCRIMPING AND WE’RE SAVING CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO. CHRISTMAS, KIDS (a realization). WE BETTER START BEHAVING *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS. ALL. a WE’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS KIDS ENSEMBLE. TOWNSWOMEN. TOWNSMEN. AWAY AWAY THIRTY-FOUR THOUSAND, AWAY FORTY-NINE MINUTES MEN (TENOR). ALMOST ALMOST AWAY CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS: ALL. CHRISTMAS DAY! (With determined cheer, they face the storm, ) WE'LL BRAVE THE BITTER WEATHER *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS AND MAKE IT THROUGH TOGETHER *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS ENSEMBLE. WE’VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR DAYS AWAY!| ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical or ALL. TIME IS ALMOST UP AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS SOPRANO 1, TENOR 1 SOPRANO 2, ALTOS RALPHIE & KIDS & BARITONE 1. & TENOR 2. ] DAY! ALMOST ALMOST. CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! NEARLY NEARLY CHRISTMAS DAY! CHRISTMAS DAY! CHRISTMAS DAY! (On the button of the number, we find the ENSEMBLE and THE PARKERS staring out front, looking through Highee’s store window, which has materialized in front of them.) (#2b: “Higbee’s Window”) (In sudden commotion, all the KIDS and PARENTS exclaim i what they see and what they want in the window.) KID 1. Look, It’s Raggedy Ann and Andy! KID 2. Lincoln Logs! That’s what I want! NANCY’S MOTHER. Nancy, see Mrs. Claus sitting in the | rocking chair? KID 3. Tinkertoys! Tinkertoys! | KID 4. Mama—Daddy, can I have the red wagon? | KID 4’S FATHER. A Radio Flyer. That’s expensive, son. KID 4. Well, can I? KID 4’S MOTHER. You have to ask Santa, dear. i (Sudden exclamation and joy from all as they survey the window. The music swells in excitement. JEAN appears at 3 C, wearing Red Ryder ’s outfit and carrying the BB gun. The | ENSEMBLE and KIDS freezé.)| 26 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI RALPHIE (a burst of excitement, he is coming face-to-face with what, up until now, he has only dreamed about). That's it! That's it! JEAN (as Red Ryder). Boys, at last you can own ... RALPHIE. AN OFFICIAL RED RYDER RANGE MODEL CAR- BINE-ACTION BB GUN ENSEMBLE & KIDS (as if the gates of heaven have dramat- ically burst open). AH! RALPHIE. WITH A COMPASS IN THE STOCK AND THIS THING THAT TELLS TIME ENSEMBLE & KIDS. AH! (#3: “Red Ryder Carbine-Action BB Gun”) JEAN (as himself). The fever was well upon me. For months, Thad thought about a Red Ryder air rifle. And now, there it was! The real thing! RALPHIE (a slow realization). YOU DON’T NEED A STEED TO BE ACOWBOY NO, YOU’RE NOT A HERO JUST BY GALLOPING OFF IN THE SUN WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE ACOWBOY FEARLESS, KEEPIN’ BANDITS TREMBLIN’ ON THE RUN IS ARED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN (The ENSEMBLE and KIDS fade away as RALPHIE steps through the window and joins RED RYDER who hands him @ box-containing the gun.) ee eee ewwwACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 27 JEAN (as Red Ryder). That’s right, boys! If you want to keep your homestead free of villains, I give you-OLD BLUE! RALPHIE. (fantasizing, concocting scenarios in which he might use the gun). SEE-ME STANDING GUARD UP AT MY WINDOW 'LL'’PROTECT THE NEIGHBORHOOD SO OUTLAWS ARE ALWAYS OUTDONE AND ’LL BOMBARD THEM FROM THAT WINDOW 4 SHOW THOSE WEASELS HOW THE | WILD WEST WAS WON! q BANG! BANG! WITH A RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN. MY TEACHER COULD BE TAKEN BY A PACK OF GOONS MY CLASS MIGHT BE INVADED BY RACCOONS! THE KIDS WOULD HURRY DOWN THE HALL y AS TIGERS TRY TO EAT THEM ALL BUT THEY WOULD BE OK. 4 I'D SWOOP IN AND SAVE THE DAY! AND THE GIRLS WOULD SIGH AND SAY, “OOOH, i RALPHIE!” | win WHEN YOU'RE BIG AND BRAVE LIKE ME NO BULLY CAN EVER MAKE FUN MY MOM IS CRYIN’ “COWBOY RALPHIE” WHILE MY DADIS YELLIN’ | “THAT BOY, HE’S MY SON!” WITH A RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN (He gets lost in this dream for just a moment, then is quickly 1 snapped back to reality.) BUT IT’S ALMOST NEARLY GETTING CLOSE COUNTING DOWN, THE CLOCK IS SET DON’T KNOW HOW, DON’T KNOW WHO. BUT I JUST KNOW I GOTTA GET ARED RYDER CARBINE—28 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI JEAN. A RED RYDER CARBINE! RALPHIE. STOCK WITH A COMPASS— JEAN. WITH 4 COMPASS IN THE STOCK! RALPHIE (with triumph), RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN! (#3a: “It All Comes Down to Christmas” [Reprise]) (The ENSEMBLE enters hurriedly, finishing their shopping before bundling up and heading home. RALPHIE's fantasy 's over, the Red Ryder BB gun is amillion miles away.) ALL. THE LINES ARE GET ING LONGER *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS TOWNSMEN 1 & 2 (surreptitiously), OUR DRINKS ARE GETTING STRONGER CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS RALPHIE (determined desperation). I'VE GOT ONE SHOT ALL. AND IT’S TWENTY-FOUR, DAYS AWAY! IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS DAY! (As the ENSEMBLE and KIDS exit, the Parker Samily house reassembles. We hear barking dogs. MOTHER is in the kitchen Stirring a pot on the stove. THE OLD MAN sits at the table, Slipping through mail.) Pe| ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 29 SCENE 2 (The Parker family house and a small portion of the outside yard. The next day.) MOTHER. THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO. AND IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS ... (Calling to upstairs.) Ralphie! Randy! Breakfast! Get ready for school! (WEAN blows a puff of snow from his hand, creating a snow {fall effect.) MOTHER (cont'd). Goodness gracious. It’s a blizzard al- ready. And December’s just begun. JEAN. With only twenty-three days till zero hour, and my mission already well underway, my father had embarked on a quest of his own. THE OLD MAN. Bills ... bills ... bills. Hey, look—here it is! (Opens an envelope and withdraws a puzzle page. He goes to work on it.) JEAN. The Depression days were the golden age of the cross- word puzzle, And my old man was hooked. Contest after contest, my old man labored doggedly. He entered them all, but this was the farthest he’d ever gotten, THE OLD MAN (struggling, in. frustration). Argh! MOTHER. What’s wrong, dear? THE OLD MAN. What is the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse? MOTHER (nonchalantly). Uh. Victor. His name is Victor. THE OLD MAN. How did you know that? MOTHER (in @ matter-of-fact manner). Oh, everybody knows that. a30 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI THE OLD MAN (incredulous, muttering). “Everybody knows that,” MOTHER. Is that another one of. your silly contests? THE OLD MAN. Silly? You'll See—you’ll see! I'll have you know that I received an official notice that I have made the semifinals! “You could win $50,000 or hundreds of valuable prizes.” (#4: “The Genius on Cleveland Street”) THE OLD MAN (cont ‘d). I just need to finish, get this in the mail by tomorrow, and I could be a winner, MOTHER. That’s nice, dear, (Walks away to continue work. ing in the kitchen.) THE OLD MAN (with determined grit and Herculean effort). THE WHEELS IN MY MIND JUST KEEP ON SPINNING ANOTHER EXHAUSTING CLIMB UPHILL TALWAYS COME CLOSE TO ALMOST WINNING JUST FOCUS AND THINK TM PRACTIC’LLY THERE IF 1COULD GET INK IN EACH LITTLE SQUARE j TD BE THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET (n self-satisfied delight.) YEAH... AN INTELLECTUAL ELITE Laughs.) ICOULD WIN AN AWARD ATROPHY FOR ALL TO SEE IMAGINE THAT ... THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET THE GUY THE NEIGHBORS WANNA GREET THAT MENTAL, MACHINE THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET neatACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 31 (Giving himself a pep talk.) 1M BRIMMING WITH BRAINS AND SKILLAND KNOWLEDGE 'M HARDLY A HUMDRUM AVERAGE JOE SO I DIDN’T COME FROM SOME DUMB COLLEGE BUT IF THIS COULD WORK WELL, THEN I COULD GO FROM “PARKER THE JERK” TO “PARKER THE PRO” OH, ’D BE THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET THE CRACKERJACK THAT CAN’T BE BEAT SO SMART IT’S OBSCENE! THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET Two more to go ... “DANISH PRINCE THAT SHAKESPEARE PENNED STABBED AND POISONED IN THE END” (MOTHER takes a canned ham clearly labeled “HAM” JSrom the cupboard and sets it on the counter.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). HAMLET! HA! “CAPTAIN HOOK, HE MUST DESTROY TINKERBELL’S PAL, FOREVER A BOY” P-E-T-E-R ... Three more letters. Peter ... Peter... (MOTHER bangs on a pan, THE OLD MAN doesn t get the hint. She tries to supply him with the answer without dam- aging his delicate ego.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Peter ... (Bang!) Peter ... (Bang!) Peter ... the wolf, Peter the Great, Peter ... Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Doesn't fit.7 32 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (MOTHER: banging becomes more incessant.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Peter ... Peter ... Peter ... Saint Peter ... Saint Petersburg ... Peter Rabbit?! (To MOTH- ER) Hey! (Music out, MOTHER ceases her banging.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). I'm trying to think! (A beat.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd, casually). Oh, Petef’Pan. MISTER PARKER, YOU’RE THE BEST NO QUESTION YOU’RE THE BEST WE’VE EVER SEEN! ‘WHAT A GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET MOTHER (sweetly, playing along, letting him believe it). THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND. STREET THE OLD MAN. THE WHIZ WHOSE PUZZLE IS COMPLETE! MOTHER. IT’S SOMEHOW COMPLETE THE OLD MAN. i IFISEND IT IN AND SOMEHOW I WIN, THEY’LL SEE (He finishes his puzzle and slips it into an envelope, prepar- ing to mail it.) THE OLD MAN. 1'M THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET! MOTHER. THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET} ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 33 THE OLD MAN. ‘WHO WON’T GO DOWN IN DEFEAT (A dream is within reach.) LEE THIS BE IT! LET THIS BE THE ONE FOR THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET! (THE OLD MAN licks and seals his envelope, placing it in the mailbox on the button of the song. We then hear barking as the BUMPUS HOUNDS chase THE OLD MAN away once again.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). No, no, no, Bumpus! Call ’em off! Call *em off! (We refocus inside the Parker house.) MOTHER (calling upstairs). Boys, breakfast! Hurry. You'll both be late for school. RALPHIE (coming down the stairs, engaging in a recurring argument). Get out of my way, Randy! RANDY. You get out of my way, Ralphie, RALPHIE. I was here first. (RALPHIE and RANDY take their seats at the kitchen table as they jostle each other.) RANDY. Was not! RALPHIE. Was too! RANDY. Was not! RALPHIE. Was too! RANDY. Was not! RALPHIE. Was too! RANDY. Was not! RALPHIE. Was too! i in eccrine34 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI THE OLD MAN (growls). Shut up! MOTHER. Hurry up now and eat. (Just as they take their seats to eat, a loud boom is heard beneath the kitchen. A puff of smoke billows out of the fur- nace grate.) THE OLD MAN. What was that? MOTHER (they both know all too well). It sounded like the furnace again, dear. THE OLD MAN (slowly unleashing his ragéh It’s the clin- kers ... It’s the consamed, goobly-degooking, racklin’ash! (Goes toward the door to the cellar.) Sons britches mo- tor-floggin’ cake-sniffin’ shirty plastards! (He exits down into the furnace room, continuing the faux profanity as MOTHER covers RANDY’: ears.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Farfangled britches, cobbler-goblin’. (Continues to ad-lib faux. ‘profanity until he is heard, falling, accompanied by a crash.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd, yelling from the basement). Who left the skates on the steps!? (#4a: “The Furnace Blues”) JEAN (with an air of pride). My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in northern Indiana. He had lots of practice. And the blue streak coming out of his mouth was equal to the blue smoke pouring out of the furnace grate. THE OLD MAN. Who tumed the damper down?! You have to leave it up! Clinkers again. Cob-globbering, tuttin-fruitten linkers,ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 35 (He continues fawx-swearing and banging around down- stairs. We then hear the sound of. Sootsteps climbing the stairs. THE OLD MAN re-enters, covered in soot.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). The fufaluckin’ fumulgatin’, faar- fignugin flopchockitty furnace has gone out again. (To MOTHER) Call the office and tell them I'll be late. (He exits down the stairs, spewing more - faux profanity.) JEAN. Profanity, for us kids, was strictly verboten. But my old man? That day my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michi- gan. And Mother always tried to divert our attention from it, MOTHER. Well... uh... What do ‘you boys want for Christmas? (#4b: “An Opening!”) JEAN. An opening! ENSEMBLE (as if from thin air). AHHHHHHHHHHH JEAN. I knew the old man would never get me the gun for Christmas. Maybe I'd convince Mom. I only had twen- ty-three days left. How could I make the case that the Red Ryder wasn’t just a Christmas present—it was a necessity!? RALPHIE (measured, deliberate). GOTTA FIND A SUBTLE WAY TO SAY IT PLAY IT CAREFUL DON’T SEEM DESP’RATE OR I’M DONE GET THE RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION BB GUN RANDY. I want a toy zeppelin that lights up and makes noises, MOTHER. That’s nice ... Ralphie? JEAN. Now I knew the moment called for nuance and non- chalance. But sometimes you just—36 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI RALPHIE (blurting out quickly and excitedly). An Official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a~uh-uh— JEAN (sensing the impending doom). Oh, no! My tongue short-circuited my brain. I was dead. Even before she opened her mouth, I knew what was coming. MOTHER. Ralphie—you’ll shoot your eye out. (RALPHIE slumps back into his chair.) JEAN. Ah! It was the classic “Mother BB- Gan Block.” That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to kid-dom. I had to immediately rebuild the dike. RALPHIE (weakly). Heh, heh ... I was just kidding. I guess T’d like, uh—some Tinkertoys. JEAN (disgusted at the very thought). Tinkertoys?! 1 couldn’t believe my own ears. She’d never buy it ... MOTHER. All right boys, time for school. JEAN. Who could I turn to next? (MOTHER retrieves RANDY’ snowsuit.) MOTHER. Ralphie, put on your things. Here, Randy, let me help you. (She begins to stuff RANDY into his snowsuit as RALPHIE goes to put on his outerwear.) RANDY (aprolonged whine). Mom, it’s too cold to go to school. JEAN (as MOTHER continues dressing RANDY). Hah ... There was no question of staying home. Itnever entered any- one’s mind. It was a heartier time, and Miss Shields was a hardier teacher than the present breed. Cold in Hohman wasa cc mca a etn etenmntnecree ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 37 something that was accepted, like air, clouds, parents—a fact of nature, and as such could not be used in any fraud- ulent scheme to stay out of school. And getting ready to go to school was like preparing for extended deep-sea diving, (Through various and somewhat violent means, MOTH- ER stuffs, shakes, jiggles, crams and jams RANDY into his snowsuit. Lots of whining and complaining and squealing and grunting. Once in, his arms stick straight out from his sides. MOTHER wraps a scarf fully around RANDY’s head, covering his face.) RANDY (completely indecipherable, speech obscured by heavy layers of clothing). I can’t put my arms down! MOTHER. What did you say? RANDY (again, indecipherable). I can’t put my arms down! RALPHIE. Ab, Ma, we're gonna be late. MOTHER. Just wait, Ralphie. RANDY (desperately, still obscured). I can’t put my arms down! (MOTHER unwinds the scarf enough to expose RANDY’ face.) RANDY (cont'd, tearfully, clearly for the first time). I can’t put my arms down! (MOTHER presses RANDY’ arms to his sides. They pop right back up when she lets them go. Again, she firmly holds them to his sides. A beat. The arms shoot back up again.) JEAN. Solutions are sometimes very practical in Indiana. MOTHER (exasperated). You’ll put your arms down when you get to school. (As RANDY hollers in protest, she re-wraps the scarf to cover his mouth.)38 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (#4c: “The Path to School”) SCENE 3 (A path leading to school, Soon afterward. SCHWARTZ, FLICK and one other BOY. enter.) SCHWARTZ (an ongoing debate, he argues with arrogance). Hey listen, smartass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says it’ll stick to the pole, just like I told you. FLICK (with healthy confidence). Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything? JEAN. Schwartz, and Flick, my two best friends. My fellow wimps. All for one, one for all. SCHWARTZ. My old man knows, ‘cause he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come and get his tongue unstuck, FLICK. You're full of beans, and so’s your old man, (ESTHER JANE and MARY BETH enter, chatting anima- tedly, followed by RALPHIE and RANDY) RALPHIE. Hey fellas, wait up! (RANDY struggles to keep up. He falls, immobile.) RANDY (tries repeatedly to Set up but can’). I can’t get up. (Trying.) 1 can’t get up. I can’t get up! (Hysterical,) Ral- hie, I can’t get up! Come on, Ralphie! Wait up! (Whim- Pers.) Come on, guys! RALPHIE. Let’s go, Randy, we’re gonna be late! RANDY. I can’t! I fell down, and I can’t get up! ESTHER JANE. Go help your brother, Ralphie. RALPHIE (reluctantly). Oh, all right,A Christmas Story, The Musical (#5: “When You’re a Wimp”) (RALPHIE tries to help RANDY up. An ominous chord of music is heard. SCUT FARKUS and GROVER DILL leap in with a horrifying roar.) FARKUS & DILL. Ha, ha, ha, ha! JEAN (with paralyzing fear). Scut Farkus and Grover Dill, the bully and his toady. DILL (threatening, booming). Muah, ha, ha, ha, ha! JEAN. We were about to be pummeled! DILL. Come here, you wimp! RALPHIE. Oh, no. JEAN. These were the kind of meatheads who grow up bash- ing in car grills and becoming mafia hit men ... or captains of industry. FARKUS. Who’s ready to say “uncle?” ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL, charged). ON EV’RY PLAYGROUND THERE’S A WAR TAKING PLACE BETWEEN THE BULLIES AND THE WIMPS THAT THEY CHASE (Resigned to their fate.) AND IF YOU’RE PART OF THE PACK THAT’S ALWAYS UNDER ATTACK, YOU QUICKLY LEARN THAT YOU DON’T FIGHT BACK. (Throughout the number, the kids are tortured by the bul- lies. Handing over lunch money, homework, food, and re- ceiving wedgies, noogies and the like.) ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL, cont'd). WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP THEY KNOW THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE GUTS40 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI FLICK. AND YOU WAIT EVERYDAY TO GET KICKED IN THE NU— (FLICK gets faux-kicked below the belt and reacts ac- cordingly.) ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL). YOU TAKE IT AGAIN AND AGAIN WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP! WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP! (FARKUS grabs RALPHIE.) FARKUS. OK, Ralphie, say it! RALPHIE. Uncle! FARKUS. I—can’t—hear—you. RALPHIE. Uncle! Uncle! UNCLE! YOU DO HIS HOMEWORK IF A QUESTION IS MISSED YA GET TA*ANSWER TO THE POUND OF HIS FIST! ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL). HE GIVES THAT THREATENING GLANCE AND YOU START WETTIN’ YOUR PANTS IT’S KINDA CLEAR THAT YOU GOT NO CHANCE! WHEN YOU'RE A WIMP. YOU DON’T EVEN TRY TO ESCAPE SCHWARTZ (defeated). WHEN YOU ACT LIKE A FRUIT YOU GET CRUSHED LIKE A GRAPE ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL). ‘YOU TRY TO SURVIVE TILL YOU’RE TEN (FARKUS stares menacingly as kids react and scream.)ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 41 ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL, cont'd). WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP! WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP! (FARKUS and DILL exit, snickering, satisfied with their plunder) ALL KIDS (except FARKUS and DILL, cont'd). BUT OH THE DAY YOU GROW IT’LL BE SUBLIME AT PAYBACK TIME (Forming their ow wimp army.) FLICK, RALPHIE & SCHWARTZ. YOU'LL STRETCH SIX FEET OVERNIGHT, GIRL. ‘YOU'LL PICK ONE HECK OF A FIGHT ALL KIDS. AND FIN’LLY SLUG EV’RY THUG IN SIGHT! WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP "YOU PATIENTLY WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN THE TABLES HAVE TURNED AND YOU'RE MAKIN’ ’EM PAY. IMAGINE HOW HELPLESS THEY’LL SEEM WHEN YOU’RE TWISTING THEIR ARMS TILL THEY SCREAM. YEAH, YOU GOTTA HOLD ON TO THAT DREAM WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP! WHEN YOU’RE A WIMP! ‘WHEN YOU’REA KIDS 1. ‘WIMP!42 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI KIDS 2. WIMP! KIDS 3. WIMP! (As the KIDS celebrate and start to exit toward school, FARKUS and DILL return to scare them off) (#Sa: “After Wimp”) (DILL throws FARKUS a congratulatory punch on the arm. FARKUS reciprocates. DILL, proving his might, punches FARKUS, a bit harder this time. FARKUS responds even harder, reminding DILL who’ boss.) JEAN. Although I had survived the wrath of the feared, arm-twisting twosome, there was no avoiding the fact that the coveted air rifle was in serious jeopardy. I couldn’t even con- vince my own mother I needed it! I had to find another way. (School bell rings.) SCENE 4 (The classroom. A few minutes later.) MISS SHIELDS (prim, stuffy). Good moming, class. KIDS (in muffled, unenthused voices). Good morning, Miss Shields. MISS SHIELDS. Children. Our first activity of the day will be an in-class theme— (The KIDS groan.) MISS SHIELDS (cont’d). Entitled: “What I Want for Christmas.” (The KIDS perk up, excited. Especially RALPHIE.)A Christmas Story, The Musical (#5b: “What I Want for Christmas”) JEAN (pleased with his luck). Thad found another way! MISS SHIELDS. And, as always, I expect good penmanship, careful conjugation, proper punctuation and close attention to the margins. Margins ... (Frustration boils over, direct- ed at RALPHIE,) MARGINS! You may begin. (MISS SHIELDS discretely takes a book from her desk and begins to read. The KIDS pull out their notebooks and pencils and begin to write.) JEAN. If I could get Miss Shields to sympathize with my plight, she might phone my mother and implore her to get me that gun. That piece of cold blue steel would soon be mine. IfI could just stay inside the margins. Rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil with such feverish flu- idity. I remember to this day the glorious wingéd phrases and concise imagery of that theme. RALPHIE (to himself as he writes). “What I want for Christ- mas is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.” (Impressed with himself,) Wow, that’s great! “I don’t think a football is a very good Christ- mas present. But, I think that everybody should have a Red Ryder BB gun. You never know when you’ll need it.” VILLAIN (menacingly, appearing suddenly from out of no- where). Ha ha ha! (#6: “Ralphie to the Rescue!”) (As RALPHIE'’s fantasy begins, we see a VILLAIN grab MISS SHIELDS and tie her to the desk. He's going to blow her up with TNT. The KIDS scream and take cover.) KIDS. AAAHHH!!!44 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI MISS SHIELDS. AAAHHH!!! RALPHIE (on high alert, dramatic). YOUR TEACHER IN TROUBLE SO GET THERE ON THE DOUBLE OR SHE’LL FACE HER DOOM MISS SHIELDS (a desperate yelp). Raaaalphie!! Do something! RALPHIE. _e THE TENSION . IS MOUNTING ONE MINUTE LEFT AND COUNTING TILL SHE GOES KABOOM! (The VILLAIN laughs.) MISS SHIELDS (high drama). ‘WON'T YOU SAVE ME, RALPHIE? TELL THE SCOUNDREL TO SURRENDER? RALPHIE (valiant). TLL SAVE THE DAY! MISS SHIELDS. OH, HE’S GOT ME, RALPHIE! I COULD DIE IN THIS DISASTER FASTER! RALPHIE. HOLD ON, I’M ON MY WAY! (With the help of JEAN and the KIDS, RALPHIE becomes a fantasy cowboy. A self-assured, gutsy and gallant hero. Cowboy hat, boots, chaps, BB gun and all.)ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical RALPHIE (cont'd). RALPHIE TO THE RESCUE OH! RALPHIE TO THE RESCUE OH! ¢ ONE THING TO DO TIME TO TURN TO OLD BLUE NOW LET HER GO! (RALPHIE shoots the match out of the VILLAIN’s hand. The VILLAIN screams and runs away,) RALPHIE (cont'd). ‘YIPPEE-KAY-O MISS SHIELDS (thanking him). My hero! (BANKROBBERS, the Spaghetti Western sort, TELLERS [SCHWARTZ and BOY] and a bank appear.) TELLERS. AAAAHH! RALPHIE. WE’RE STUCK INA STICKUP BANKROBBER 1. WE'VE GOT SOME CASH TO PICK UP! BANKROBBER 2 (demanding). FILL THE BAG WITH LOOT! KIDS. AHHHHH! RALPHIE. THEY’RE TELLIN’ THE TELLER BANKROBBER 1. NOW HAND IT OVER, FELLER46 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI BANKROBBER 2. OR WE’LL HAVE TO SHOOT! Hands in the air! BANKROBBER 1. That's right! (The ENSEMBLE and KIDS enter, all bank customers caught in the stickup.) KIDS. WON'T YOU HELP US, RALPHIE? TELL THESE ROBBERS TO RELEASE US: TELLER | (SCHWARTZ, operatic and highly dramatic), DON’T LET ME DIE! BANKROBBERS. TRY AND STOP US, RALPHIE! RALPHIE. HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR SOME PAYBACK TELLER 1 (SCHWARTZ, to the KIDS). STAY BACK! RALPHIE (cocksure, confident). FORGET THE FBI TOWNSMEN 1, 2 & 3. FORGET THE FBI! RALPHIE. TOWNSWOMEN. TOWNSMEN. RALPHIE TO THE OH RESCUE, OH! oH On RALPHIE & KIDS. RALPHIE TO THE OH RESCUE OH! onACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical AT KIDS (except RALPHIE). HE’S HERE TO BOOK EV’RY BANK-ROBBIN’ CROOK ALL. Z SO DROP THE DOUGH! (RALPHIE shoots the stolen money bags and guns out of the BANKROBBERS' hands. They run off in terror.) ALL (cont'd). YIPPEE KAY-O! PRAIRIE ENSEMBLE. GET ’EM, COWBOY! COWBOY RALPHIE! (A la hillbillies.) THE FAV’RITE SON OF INDIANA. WITH HIS GUN AND HIS BANDANNA PRAIRIE MEN. RIDIN’ HIGH! PRAIRIE WOMEN. HIGH! PRAIRIE ENSEMBLE. GET ’EM, COWBOY! COWBOY RALPHIE! PRAIRIE WOMEN. JUST IN TIME TO FIGHT SOME CRIME JUST LIKE RED, HE’LL SHOOT ’EM DEAD PRAIRIE ENSEMBLE. YIPPEE KAY, YIPPEE KAY YIPPEE KAY, YIPPEE KAY YIPPEE KAY, YIPPEE KAY-O!48 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (Dance section: RALPHIE appears with his Tonto-esque sidekick, played by RANDY, who is dressed in Native Amer- ican garb. RALPHIE pounds a tribal drum and RANDY does a war whoop. RALPHIE exits. RANDY smokes a peace pipe. His solitude is disrupted by an ESCAPED PRISONER, still in prison stripes and intent on kidnapping him.) RANDY. HELP ME, RALPHIE! (RALPHIE re-enters with his Red Ryder BB -giih, primed to save the day) RALPHIE. RALPHIE TO THE RESCUE RALPHIE TO THE RESCUE (RALPHIE shoots the pants off the ESCAPED PRISONER, revealing his silky boxer shorts. The ESCAPED PRISON- ER runs off, terrified. RANDY shares his peace pipe with RALPHIE, who chokes from his first inhale. They ride off in the sunset together as other tap-dancing KIDS ride in on stick Fiorses. One BOY’ horse is stolen by another) BOY (in anguish). I want my horsey back! Someone help me get my horsey back! (RALPHIE rides on to, once again, save the day. After a struggle with the perpetrator, he retrieves the BOY's horse and returns it to its rightful owner.) BOY. Thanks, partner! (An old-fashioned saloon materializes. We see a BAR- TENDER, CUSTOMERS and CAN-CAN GIRLS. A BAN- DIT [played by DILL] drunkenly enters the saloon, orders biennialACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 49 a drink and seizes CAN-CAN GIRLFRIEND, RALPHIE enters to save her. After a. showdown with the BANDIT. he uses some BB gun shots to make him dance and flee the scene. Out of danger, RALPHIE and CAN-CAN GIRL- FRIEND) run into each other’ arms in slow motion. As the lovers celebrate, BLACK BART [played by FARKUS] and the BANDIT enter with MOTHER, THE OLD MAN and RANDY in tow. They have kidnapped and hogtied the PARKERS.) ENSEMBLE (terrified, shaking in their boots). Black Bart! (An old fashioned bar brawl ensues. Fists and bottles flying. This is perhaps played out in slow motion as well. There is a struggle for possession of the PARKERS—BLACK BART and the BANDIT threaten RALPHIE with their hand pistols when suddenly RALPHIE pulls out his Red Ryder rifle. He clearly has the upper hand.) BLACK BART & BANDIT (terror-stricken as they run away). AAAAHH!!! TOWNSMEN & TOWNSWOMEN. RALPHIE TO THE RESCUE RALPHIE (with jubilation). OH! RALPHIE & ENSEMBLE. RALPHIE TO THE RESCUE OH! ° | RANDY, MOTHER, THE OLD MAN & MISS SHIELDS (proudly). SO BRAVE AND SO BOLD AND HE’S JUST NINE YEARS OLD Be50 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI RALPHIE: WHEN IVE GOT OLD BLUE, I’M A BORN BUCKAROO ENSEMBLE. ABOY AND HIS GUN RIDING OFF IN THE SUN JUST WATCH HIM GO! GO! GO! RALPHIE (triumphant). ‘YIPPEE KAY-O! (When the song ends, we are once again in the classroom with the KIDS in their seats, RALPHIE still lost in his cowboy fantasy. MISS SHIELDS is engrossed in her ro- mance novel.) MISS SHIELDS (rapturously). And then he kissed her gently on the ... (She quickly snaps out of her fantasy and slams her book shut.) All right, time to hand in your papers. (Be- gins to collect the themes. To RALPHIE as he daydreams.) Yoo-hoo, Ralphie. Ralphie? RALPHIE. Huh? (Quickly back to earth.) Ah! Oh ... almost finished. (#6a: “After Ralphie to the Rescue!”) RALPHIE (cont'd, sotto voce as he writes). “I think everyone should have a Red Ryder BB gun. And I think a Red Ryder BB gun would be a very good Christmas present.” (He hands MISS SHIELDS the theme, feeling very satisfied with himself, He is isolated in a spotlight as the scene shifts to the Parker family house. During JEAN's speech, RAL- PHIE‘’s mood changes from hopefial to distraught.) JEAN. I raced home imagining Miss Shields reading my theme that very night. Swooning, overwhelmed by a workACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 51 of rhetorical genius. An A-plus at the very. least. But there was just one problem. A whole week went by, and she still hadn’t graded the themes. Gradually, expectation turned to anxiety, then deep despair, I'VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S SEVENTEEN DAYS AWAY... SCENE 5 (The Parker family house. A week later. Lights come up on the kitchen. MOTHER is busy preparing dinner.) MOTHER (calling to upstairs). Ralphie ... Randy! Time for supper. I just heard your father pull up. He’ll be famished. Hurry up now and wash up. ] ql i | | RALPHIE*(desperation is Srowing as time is slipping away). i i | | | | (RALPHIE and RANDY enter from upstairs. The BUMPUS HOUNDS are heard barking from offstage. THE OLD MAN enters, grabs the mail and hurries to es. cape the dogs.) THE OLD MAN (growling). Get out of here you rotten mala- futin’ mangy mutts! (He enters the house, yelling through | the windo:) Confloggers, muttjoggers! You'll pay for this, Bumpus! (The BUMPUS HOUNDS appear in the window.) You and your hog-huggin’, mange-moltin’ hounds! Get out of here! Go on, get out of here! (The dogs retreat) MOTHER (sweetly). Hello, deat. Did you have a good day? THE OLD MAN (tired, frustrated). I did till quitting time. Then the Olds wouldn't start. Again. So, Thad to get a jump. Needs a new battery. Those things are up to six dollars apiece these days.Fee 52 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI scsi MOTHER: Well, dear, a big plate of meatloaf and cabbage should cheer you up. THE OLD MAN (under his breath). Oh, sure. MOTHER. Now everyone go and wash up. Dinner’s getting cold. ' RANDY (yelping). No, I don’t need to. I washed my hands yesterday. (THE OLD MAN picks up the protesting RANDY, and they 1 exit upstairs, followed by RALPHIE.) (#7: “What a Mother Does”) MOTHER (constantly moving, cleaning, orgafiizing, slicing, scooping and serving food, clearing dishes, deriving great Joy from her role as a mother). NEW STAINS ON THE RUG STRAY SOCKS ON THE STAIR. AND PILES OF PAPER APPEARING RIGHT OUT OF THIN AIR. BUT THE SHEETS HAVE BEEN WASHED THE PANTS HAVE BEEN PRESSED THE FLOORS HAVE BEEN SCRUBBED LIKE A WOMAN POSSESSED AND WE'RE STEADY AND STABLE AMEAL ON THE TABLE ; EACH EVENING BECAUSE i THAT’S WHAT A MOTHER DOES j (THE OLD MAN, RALPHIE and RANDY enter. All sit ex- cept for RANDY, who is under the table.) MOTHER (cont'd). Randy, sit down and let’s eat. RANDY (slumps into his chair and stares at his food). Aw- wwww JEAN. Every family has a kid who won’t eat. In our case, it was my brother.coarser ee seers ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical eb | RALPHIE. Can I have some more meatloaf? (MOTHER goes and gets the meatloaf.) JEAN. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years. » (MOTHER brings the meatloaf to RALPHIE. She sits down to begin eating.) THE OLD MAN (unaware that she has just sat down). More potatoes, dear. (MOTHER gets back up and goes to get the potatoes.) JEAN. My mother hadn’t eaten a hot meal for herself in fif- teen years. MOTHER. SIT DOWN TO STAND UP “YOU’RE BACK ON YOUR FEET SERVE SECONDS AND THIRDS ‘WHILE YOU’VE STILL GOT A BOY WHO WON’T EAT RANDY (pushing his food around his plate, repulsed). Aw, jeez. MOTHER. BUT A MOM HAS HER WAYS AMOM KNOWS HER KID SHE’LL GET HIM TO EAT WITHOUT KNOWING HE DID IT’S JUST ONE OF HER TALENTS, SHE KEEPS LIFE IN BALANCE AMID ALL THE BUZZ THAT’S WHAT A MOTHER DOES. MOTHER (cont'd, attempting to use guilt to make him eat). Starving people would be glad to have that.1 54 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI j RANDY. Awww ... Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beetloaf. I hate meatloaf. THE OLD MAN. Where’s the screwdriver and the plumber’s helper? I’ll pry his mouth open and stuff it in. JEAN. And he would have. But my mother was a bit more subtle. “ MOTHER (as if playing a game). Randy? How do little pig- gies go? (RANDY snorts like a pig and continues to do so inter- mittently.) MOTHER (cont'd, encouraging him). That's sight! Oink, oink. Nice little piggies. JEAN. My brother was deep into The Three Little Pigs. MOTHER. Now, how do little piggies eat? There’s your trough. How do little piggies eat? Be a good boy. Show Mommy how the piggies eat. (Suddenly, RANDY bends forward, shoves his face into the plate and begins to gobble food frantically, giggling all the while as MOTHER coaxes him on.) RALPHIE (under his breath). Gosh. THE OLD MAN (under his breath). Jesus. (Or “jeez.”) JEAN. It was disgusting. MOTHER. Mommy’s little piggy. That’s right. (She moves on to her next set of tasks.) ONE THING DOWN, A MILLION MORE YOU’VE MISSED THE PLATES, THE PANS, KEEP CROSSING OFF THE LIST HOMEWORK, PJS, GET THE KIDS TO BED CHOOSE A CHRISTMAS STORY TO BE READ YES, CHRISTMAS IS HERE. THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO AHOUSE TO LOOK FESTIVE A FAM’LY THAT’S COUNTING ON YOU DiACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 55 WITH TINSEL TO BUY AND STOCKINGS TO STUFF TO MAKE THEM FORGET THAT THE TIMES HAVE BEEN TOUGH. YOU'RE A MOM ON A MISSION TO KEEP UP TRADITION COOKIES AND CAROLS AND LAUGHTER IN BARRELS TILL YOU HEAR THEM SAY “YOU°VE MADE CHRISTMAS DAY THE VERY BEST CHRISTMAS THAT THERE EVER WAS” *CAUSE THAT’S WHAT A MOTHER WHAT ANY GOOD MOTHER THAT’S WHAT A MOTHER DOES. THE OLD MAN (flipping through a pile of mail on the table). Bills ... bills ... bills ... These bills are never ending. JEAN (referring to the envelope THE OLD MAN is about to open). Ab, another brilliant idea ... THE OLD MAN. Hmm. Here’s a letter with no stamp on it. It’s addressed to you. MOTHER. Me? THE OLD MAN. How can they deliver a letter with no stamp on it? MOTHER (opens the letter, dismissive). Oh, it’s a silly ad for akid’s BB gun. Those things are dangerous! (#7a: “Miss Shields Fantasy”) (She throws it into the trash. Music: sting. RALPHIE drops his head in defeat.) JEAN. Rats! My fevered brain seethed with the effort to come up with an infinitely subtle device to implant the air tifle indelibly into my parents’ consciousness without their being aware of it. (A beat.)56 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI RALPHIE (abruptly, concocting a story). Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store the other day. JEAN. My parents looked at me as if I had lobsters coming out of my ears. MOTHER. That’s—quite interesting, dear. JEAN (frustrated). If 1 couldn’t get my parents’ attention, it would have to be up to Miss Shields. She had to get those papers graded soon, (Another fantasy as MISS SHIELDS enters the Parker fam- ily house in a puff of smoke, lavishing RALPHIE with exag- gerated praise.) oe MISS SHIELDS. Mr. and Mrs. Parker, your extraordinary son Ralph has written the theme I’ve been waiting for all my life. “What I want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!” Sheer po- etry. And the penmanship, the conjugation, the punctuation. (She salivates over this.) All contained in the tightly con- strained dictates of the margins. I can hardly control myself, Anyway, Ralph has convinced me beyond a doubt, through his magnificent and eloquent theme, that it is absolutely nec- essary that he be given a Red Ryder BB gun for the protec- tion of your family. After all, grizzly bears were spotted near Pulaski’s candy store the other day. (She winks at RALPHIE.) Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Parker, for your time. And for Ralph—ay prize, A-plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus student! i i i i i : (She exits as quickly as she appeared, and the fantasy is over though RALPHIE remains entranced.) MOTHER (to RALPHIE, monotone). Eat your cabbage, Ral- phie. You need your roughage. (Back to reality, RALPHIE heaves a sigh of despair. The front doorbell rings.) > MiliicnaeseisstonccninieasincoxiaszaaiccamtasiesACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 57 THE OLD MAN. Well, who’s that? MOTHER. I’m not sure ... THE OLD MAN. It’s almost seven! (MOTHER goes to answer it. JEAN enters, wearing a tele- gram delivery hat.) JEAN (as MAILMAN). Telegram for you folks, Mrs. Parker. (He hands the telegram to MOTHER and exits, y) THE OLD MAN. What is it? MOTHER. A telegram. THE OLD MAN (nervously). What’s it say? MOTHER (handing him the telegram). It’s addressed to you. (THE OLD MAN slowly opens the telegram.) MOTHER (cont'd), Well ... 2 THE OLD MAN (trembling, after a moment). Look. Read it, MOTHER (at first, fearing the worst). Dear Mr. Parker. Congrat- ulations! You have won a major award in our $50,000 ‘Great Figures of World Literature Contest.’ It will arrive by special messenger tonight, Congratulations! You are a winner!” THE OLD MAN (dances around the kitchen, exuberant). I. Am. A. Winner. I’m a winner! I’m a winner!!! MOTHER. But a winner of what? THE OLD MAN. It could be anything. A new car, a trip to Paris. A guy in Terre Haute won a bowling alley. MOTHER (practical, skeptical). How could they deliver a bowling alley? THE OLD MAN (stumped for a moment). Well ... they could deliver a deed, for cripessake.58 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (The doorbell rings again. The PARKERS freece,) THE OLD MAN (cont'd, with a hushed reverence). It’s here! Omigod, it’s here! VEAN, now dressed as a delivery man, and two more DELIVERY MEN have entered and made their way to the Jront door, carrying a large crate. THE OLD MAN an- swers the door.) JEAN, Frank Parker? THE OLD MAN. Yeah? JEAN. Sign here. 2 (JEAN hands a clipboard and a pen to THE OLD MAN, who scribbles frantically. JEAN calls to the DELIVERY MEN.) j 4 i q | JEAN (cont'd), OK, haul it in, (7b: “Haul It In”) | (The DELIVERY MEN enter and deposit the crate in the |, living room,) | THE OLD MAN (cont'd, eagerly). Well, what is it? (WEAN shrugs. A very long pause as THE PARKERS stare at the giant crate.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). What is it? JEAN (annoyed). I don’t know, (JEAN and the DELIVERY MEN exit as THE OLD MAN begins to roughly examine the crate, recklessly lowering it Jong-ways on the floor,) MOTHER. Carefil, dear, Look what it says on the side.ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 59 (THE OLD MAN looks to see the word “fragile.”) | THE OLD MAN (sounding it out, exclaiming with ecstasy). Fra-gee-lay. It must be Italian. I won an Italian prize. (Ina thick Italian accent.) Fra-gee-lay! MOTHER (gently). I think that says fragile, honey. THE OLD MAN, Oh, yeah. (#8: “A Major Award”) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Crowbar. Get me a crowbar. Anda hammer. Get me a hammer. (RALPHIE and RANDY quickly exit as THE OLD MAN Jumps atop the crate, overjoyed.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd) HERE’S THE PROOF I’M SOMEONE, I'MASOMEONE, VERY WISE WHEN YOU’RE THIS ASTUTE YOU GET SALUTED WITH A PRIZE AND WHEN THAT PRIZE ARRIVES IN A GIANT ‘WOODEN CRATE YOU KNOW IT’S SOMETHIN’ GREAT! HA! | (RALPHIE and RANDY rush in with the crowbar and ham- : mer respectively. THE OLD MAN begins to work at open- ing the crate, swiftly and excitedly.) JEAN. The old man worked in supercharged haste to lay bare his hard won symbol of victory. THE OLD MAN (removes the lid). OH, MR. PARKER WHO COULD BELIEVE THE GLORY OF THE GIFT THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO RECEIVE?60 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (THE OLD MAN reaches inside the crate and holds up a large plastic leg in a seductive fishnet stocking and a black high-heeled shoe.) MOTHER (aghast). What is it? THE OLD MAN. A—leg. MOTHER (after a pause). But—what is it? THE OLD MAN (a bit edgy, defensive). Well, it’s a leg. Like a statue. MOTHER. A statue? RANDY. Whoopee, a statue! “ RALPHIE (feeling the leg, seduced) We won a statue . (MOTHER quickly takes RALPHIE's hand off of the leg.) THE OLD MAN. Wait a minute. There’s something else in the box. MOTHER. What? (THE OLD MAN bends down and fishes inside the crate. He can't believe his good fortune.) THE OLD MAN. Holy smokes! Do you know what this is? RALPHIE & RANDY. What? (THE OLD MAN reveals the leg, now assembled with a shade.) THE OLD MAN (delighted). It’s a lamp! MOTHER (confused), It’s a lamp? THE OLD MAN (with growing admiration). It’s ... It’s IT’S AMAJOR AWARD! I WON A MAJOR AWARD! IWON A GRAND SLAM, BIG FAT ‘WAM-BAM, “TAKE THAT!” AWARDACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 61 IWON A MAJOR AWARD I WON A MAJOR AWARD WHO WON? I WON! IT’S ME? I SEE! WELL, GEE! IT’S AMAJOR AWARD! Wow, this is exactly what we need for the front window. MOTHER. Now, dear. I’m not sure the front window is the best— JEAN. The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory. (THE OLD MAN plugs the lamp in. It sizales and pops, giv- ing THE OLD MAN a momentary electrical shock. Then it lights up. THE OLD MAN gasps in reverence. RALPHIE and RANDY cheer.) THE OLD MAN (in deep awe). Ain’t that something! MOTHER (under her breath). It’s ... something, all right. THE OLD MAN. Hey, wait! I want to see it from outside. (The scene shifts to an exterior view of ‘the lamp in the window with THE OLD MAN now on Cleveland Street and the rest of THE PARKERS inside. He motions to MOTHER, directing the placement of the lamp.) JEAN. The lamp, to my mother’s consternation, could be seen up and down Cleveland Street. THE OLD MAN. You should see it from out here! MOTHER (mumbles). Oh, F-can see it fine from here. THE OLD MAN. Honey, move it a little forward! MOTHER (reluctantly). Forward? THE OLD MAN. Yeah, toward me! (Three TOWNSMEN enter. They jeer him.)62 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI TOWNSMAN 1. WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT? THE OLD MAN. IS WHAT? TOWNSMAN 1. THAT WINDOW, SUCH A GLOW! THE OLD MAN. OH! IT’S A BIG-TIME HONOR, AN AWARD TOWNSMAN 2. “ I'D NEVER KNOW! THE OLD MAN. NOW, THIS IS PATENT PROOF THAT’CHUR NEIGHBOR IS A CHAMP TOWNSMAN 3. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A LAMP (More TOWNSMEN and TOWNSWOMEN are entering.) THE OLD MAN (defensively). THAT THERE’S A STATUE AFINE WORK OF ART A PRIZE THAT THEY BESTOW UPON THE EXTRA SUPER SMART (He tries to convince the TOWNSWOMEN of his victory,) FRIENDS, IT’S AMAJOR AWARD I WON A MAJOR AWARD! TOWNSMAN 4. WHO WON? iii ect aan cise i | ' TOWNSMAN 5. HE WON?ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical TOWNSMEN 1, 2 & 3. IT’S HE! TOWNSMEN 4 & 5. I SEE! THE OLD MAN WELL, GEE ... TOWNSMEN (now seeing the light). HE WON A MAJOR AWARD! IT’S ATROPHY HE CAN CHERISH WHAT A BEAUTY TOWNSWOMEN. OH, IT’S GARISH TOWNSMEN 1. HE’S A WINNER TOWNSMEN 2. THAT’S FOR CERTAIN MOTHER (from inside the house, meekly). MAYBE WE COULD CLOSE THE CURTAIN TOWNSWOMEN. FOR A WINDOW, SLIGHTLY OVERBOARD ... THE OLD MAN. DON’T YOU GET IT? LADIES, IT’S A MAJOR AWARD! TOWNSWOMEN (in sudden and heightened realization). A MAJOR AWARD? THE OLD MAN. AMAJOR AWARD64 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI TOWNSWOMEN. A MAJOR AWARD? TOWNSMEN. AMAJOR AWARD TOWNSPEOPLE (with adulation). FRANK PARKER DID IT HOW REMARKABLY GRAND! FRANK PARKER DID IT NOW THE WORLD WILL UNDERSTAND (The ENSEMBLE exits as we focus on THE QLD MAN, in spotlight. In fantasy, he delivers an acceptance speech for his major award.) THE OLD MAN (overwhelmingly self-indulgent). I’M THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET No one ever believed in me. The kids used to call me “Franky Franky, dumb and lanky. Can’t play ball or use a hanky.” Until fifth grade on my report card, near the bot- tom under “comments,” my teacher Mrs. Millsap wrote, (With pride and nostalgia, he struggles through the quote.) “Frank Parker shows some potential.” (Almost in tears.) ATASTE OF VICTORY, SO SWEET Td like to acknowledge all the other contestants who were eligible for this most hallowed honor. Gentlemen—you were all terrific. I guess I just had a leg up on the compe- tition! (Cackling at his own wit,) Hey—if I'm lucky, next year I’ll win the rest of her! (Again, beside himself with self-satisfaction.) NOW WATCH IT IGNITE THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE LET IT SHINE! Sn ee ee SNR ist anenisen RN &65 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI (Through dance, THE OLD MAN’ leg lamp fantasies come true in Hollywood fashion. TOWNSPEOPLE re-enter as sparkling showgirls and showmen with lég lamps lit. At one point, MOTHER appears in a sexy leg lamp getup. THE OLD MAN delights in his Busby Berkeley leg lamp dream sequence, ‘which culminates in a leg lamp kickline,) THE OLD MAN & TOWNSPEOPLE. THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET HOW CAN ANY MAN COMPETE? (The KIDS enter, each with his or her own miniature leg lamp. The stage is full of them.) THE OLD MAN (with building euphoria). WITH A DOWNSTAGE, BIG BRASS FRONT PAGE, FIRST CLASS CLEAR CUT, RED HOT “LOOK WHAT I GOT” AWARD? TOWNSPEOPLE. HE WON A MAJOR AWARD! HE WON A MAJOR AWARD TOWNSPEOPLE & KIDS. YES, IT’S A TRUE SCHOLASTIC THE OLD MAN. CAREFUL, IT’S PLASTIC! TOWNSPEOPLE & KIDS. AWARD! ‘WHO’D HAVE GUESSED HE GOT EV’RY ANSWER CORRECT?66 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI THE OLD MAN. I did it! TOWNSPEOPLE & KIDS. SO IMPRESSED HE’S A MAN YOU GOTTA RESPECT ALL. SO COME AND MEET THE GENIUS ON CLEVELAND STREET THE OLD MAN. I WON A MAJOR AWARD! TOWNSPEOPLE. HE WON A MAJOR AWARD! THE OLD MAN. IWON A MAJOR AWARD! TOWNSPEOPLE. A MAJOR AWARD! THE OLD MAN. IWON A MAJOR AWARD! ALL. AMAJOR AWARD! (#8a: “After Major Award”) SCENE 6 (The Parker family house. Early evening on December 13, 1940. The leg lamp is lit up in the front window. MOTHER is star- ing worriedly at the lamp.) ss:a tia OEER ioscan Ce ACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 67 JEAN. Needless to say, the leg lamp was the number one topic of conversation in the neighborhood. Despite my mother’s futile protestations of the glowing electric sex display, the old man was resolute in keeping his symbol of newfound self-esteem in the front window for all to see. (Sounds of the BUMPUS HOUNDS barking are heard.) THE OLD MAN (from outside). Shut up, you gardingle dogs. Come on, everybody! If we don’t hurry, all the good trees will be gone! MOTHER. We’re coming. We’re coming. Goodness gra- cious. Uh, I’ll just be a second dear. (She inconspicuously turns off the leg lamp during the Sellowing dialogue. RALPHIE and RANDY enter, coming down the stairs, in the middle of an argument.) RALPHIE. I get to pick the tree out this time. RANDY. No, I get to pick out the tree this time. (THE OLD MAN, wearing gloves and an overcoat and car- rying a tree saw, enters the living room.) RALPHIE. You picked it out last time. RANDY. Did not. RALPHIE. Did too. RANDY. Did not. RALPHIE. Did too. RANDY. Did not. RALPHIE. Did too. (This may repeat upwards of twenty times as THE OLD MAN look on incredulously.)a | 68 A Christmas Story, The Musical ACTI THE OLD MAN. Shut up! We will all Pick out the tree together. And ifit’s one I like, we'll get it. In the car, in the car! (MOTHER, RALPHIE and RANDY. start to exit through the Jront door to the car. THE OLD MAN glances back and sees the leg lamp unlit.) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Hey, who tumed off the lamp? (Moves toward the lamp.) MOTHER (trying to distract him).We don’t want to miss out on all the good trees, do we, dear? RANDY (impatiently). Yeah, come on, Dat-{et's go, MOTHER (an appeal). We don’t want to waste electricity, do we, dear? (THE OLD MAN grumbles,) RALPHIE. Come on, Dad! (THE OLD MAN grumbles again, then gives up and exits through the front door with THE PARKERS in tow. They get into the car.) SCENE 7 (On the road, immediately following.) (#9: “Parker Family Sing-along”) (THE PARKERS are singing in their car, playful and care- Sree. Trees swirl by.) THE PARKERS. WE'LL BRAVE THE BITTER WEATHER, *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS AND MAKE IT THROUGH TOGETHER *CAUSE IT ALL. COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS WE'VE GOT ONE SHOT AND IT’S ONLY TWELVE DAYSACTI A Christmas Story, The Musical 69 MOTHER. RALPHIE & RANDY THE OLD MAN. AWAY. AWAY AWAY AWAY THE PARKERS. ‘WE HAFTA HURRY UP *CAUSE IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CHRISTMAS— (A sound of a punctured tire. The car sags and screeches to a halt.) THE OLD MAN. Oh, flibberdygibbit! Muckerucker! Corn doodle doo. MOTHER. What is it, dear? THE OLD MAN. Nobody move! We have—a flat! JEAN. My old man’s tires were actually only tires in the ac- ademic sense. They were round and made of rubber. But there was so little tread, you could read the want ads of the Tribune right through them. THE OLD MAN (slightly perturbed, yet confident). Left front this time. I’ll get the jack and change it. Four min- utes. Time me. (#9a: “Flat Tire”) THE OLD MAN (cont'd). Carn fenuckle! (He exits the car, opens the trunk and pulls out the spare tire, jack and tire iron.) JEAN. Actually, my old man loved it. He always saw himself in the pits at the Indianapolis 500 Motor Speedway. THE OLD MAN. All of you—stay in the car. Don’t want it falling on anybody in case the jack fails. Four minutes. Go! (Begins to change the tire.) MOTHER. Ralphie, go help your father change the tire.