A "iGnn Wr*n^ [ur* Lupu

Gina Apostol

\[ ft "" I *as seven, I found myself upon the battlemenrs

V V of history, right in the front guard of the great plain
of fame, and it's only because of the usual miscues of the
igtrorant that I returned to the backwaters ofobscurity, a mere
unnamed child in the trundling troop movements of life.
k would not have happened without my fear ofthe school
guards and concem for my umbrella.
Early one moming my sister Anna and I were dropped
off to school by Mano Ramon, the regular jeepney driver who
was paid monthly for his and his vehicle's services by my
mother, a benign and depressive woman. I was all bathed and
well.fed, like a beloved suckling pig and my sister was as always
sleepy and bored behind me, thinking of ways to skip school
without being seen by the school guard. It was a bright cool
day, perfect for a slight rainfali, and I was anxious to get to
school, because I had left my umbrella in the seiond-grade
classroom. My umbrella was imported from Singapore, given
to me by the Abuelita, my mother's surly mother who always
smelled of lemon, a bitter and profuse scenr that suitably
announced her presence. I adored my umbrella, which had
pale pink ruffles on the hem and red shocklng lips with painted
stuck-out rongues all across a blue background, like an
expansive sky of scom; I liked to walk under it even on ordinary
2)( 7);["t, ,Ap",t"t )(l

days, thinking that my thoughts were fulb expressed' My of the South China Sea. And I knew it wasn't a holiday: I
mother gdmaced when she first saw it. "Mam5!" she said, knew all those by heart. The only one that could take me by
accent on the second sy1lable as old-fashioned ladies of leisure surprise was October 20, Leyte Landing Day. The school
pronounced it, "Shame on you for your disgusting lack of normally prepared months for the event: students rehearsed
mass dancing demonstration in the mornings, teachers sent
iaste." My father, an aspiring animator, said more pointedly
ftom his magical, lit table, 'And for indulging the $owing drawings ofour new dancing costumes weeks in advance, and
madness of the child." My sister sometimes refused to walk the school contracted seamstresses to come to our school to
with me when I unfurled the umbrella, which was almost measure our chests and waists in time for the day-long
always. I had forgotten it the day before only because I was celebration of the arrival of MacArthur and his troops on the
rushed home by my mother to witness the molting of her island of Leyte in 1944. "I Shall Returrf' T)shirts were sold on
African caterpillar, a grft ftom her btother, Uncle Ben, who the sidewalks of the city weeks before the commemoration.
travels the world on the vestiges of his family's sugar fortune' And when the day came, aging foreiga men in uniforms took
My mother is something of a biologist, although she is more their places on the podium at Vhite Beach, and the President
happy with dead animals than with those threateningly alive' and his wife sang songs to them with tears in their eyes.
So you can imagine my anxiety about having left my Sometimes, the men would sing along; they'd say smart
umbrella behind: on this day, too, which seemed to portend speeches with snippets of badly spoken Filipino. And all the
rain. But when we arrived at the gate of the school, we found schools in the city came out wirh their dances in the noonday
that it was closed. Berre! the ancient and inhuman guard sun, to the ferocious, sentimental clapping of these old,
with his ever.ready and nevet'used nightstick at his side, yelled sweating men.
to us: "No classl Go homel" My sister couldrlt believe her I watched all this on television; I was the only one in
good fortune. \ ithout questioning this strange development, kindergarten who did not go to the dance, as during that first
year in school I was pulled out ofit by my enraged, wayward
ih. *"rr, directly to the billiard hall two blocks away, whete
one of her boyftiends, a beautiful out-of'school youth named father.
Ronnie, could often be found. 'Abominable !" my father, holding a copy of the dance
I tried to push my way through the side gate. costume drawing, said to Miss Yrinco, who taught me history.
"Carft go in," Berrer approached me. "Not allowed'' "Do you know what you are celebrating? Subjugation and
"But I have classes today. Miss Yrinco said I was to make colonial suppression and American jingoism and the fall of
a report on Central Luzon, the Rice Granary of the Manila in 1898 to Commodore Dewey's ships when in fact
Philippines." our rebels had already chased the Spaniards out, only to be
"Not today. School's closed." faced with Johnny come lately, who proceeded to steal the
"But why?" spofu of our war You aie celebrating MacArthur, who left the
"Shut up and go home." country when it was convenient in 1941, left us with a
Of course, I knew ways of gorng in without entering tubercular president and.a traitor for his successor, and retuned
through the gate. But this was unjust: no classes when kids with that snout-faced, pig-eyed dwarf Romulo whose
had actually been woken up and bathed for school' misplaced love for America is equal only in stupidiry to this
There had been no warnings of typhoons, as usualb. city's perennial celebration of that damned retum, carft you
happened when storms blew in ftom Taiwan and other pieces stop this foolishness already?"
4 b( T;L"t
_4e",t"1 )( 5

I fill up this elementary buildings were a creek and an athletic oval where
My father was not a man of many wordsi
high school students did military drills and we in the
speech only so you may get a more pointed sense o{hi9 anger,
elementary school practiced our massive dancing exhibitions.
In reality, he had not known at {irst about the dance' I
I found my umbrella where I had left it, on my seat in the
had enjoyed practicing in the sun to the tune of "The
third row. I held it to my chest, and when I ran out of the
Entertainer," happily skipping arithmetic and lessons in
building I decided to take the opposite route Iiom where I
photoq,nthesis, subsets and planetary motion, as the whole
had come-across the creek and the length of the athletic
ichool did. I missed only our lessons in geography, the
oval to the other side of the school where there were no guards
fascinating bits about provinces and their set of personalAies,
or gates: just the gardens and backyards of squatter dwellerp
like massive characters in books-the stingy people in the
and vendors ofbanana and cassava cakes.
north, the bad temper of Bicolanos, which came ftom their
It was pleasant but strange to be alone on the school
habit of eating too much pepper. The costume was to be a
grounds. I went to the guava trees by the creek to steal Father
short ruffled blouse showing our bare tummies, with matching
Hermann's fiuit. Old Belgian and Dutch priests ruled our
polka dot bloomers that I adored, although my sister Anna
\When the drawings of school; they were like Martian spirits roaming the grounds.
iald we'd all look like midget clowns.
They appeared out of nowhere with their pale dotted hands
our costumes and attached explanations were sent to our
and vast expanses of ghostly flesh, saying: "Plants can,t be
house, my father exploded and sent a note to my teacher' I
touched. Keep off the grass. \Who is Simon the Cyrene j" Father
spent that week before Leyte Landing at home, watching my
Hermann was the most common priestly sight among the
father create his cartoons, one showing Genetal Douglas
plants and trees. He was always watering and digging,
MacArthur landing with Ferdinand Marcos, instead of the
uprooting and transferring plants. I read about Francis of
dwarf Carlos Romulo; they're both struck on the head by the
Assissi, the saint in the woods, and thought of Father
suspension ropes of a bridge. The descent of the ropes on
Hermann, excepr that Father Hermann had big teeth that
their heads was very clever; the ropes seemed to be released
jutted over his lower lip so that he looked constantly silly, and
like a bunch of rubber bands, and the pictures said Pow! and
so birds never sat on his shoulders. IIe was fiom Holland and
Zap! It was rejected politely by the city paper, as all of his
a lonely long way away fiom home. At least he said as much
drawings were. My mom said that was because they smelled'
in his sermons. Other priests stuck strictly to the purpose, as
"Politics in a work of art always stinks," she said' And my
far as I could tell. They read the gospel, then talked about
father would only grunt.
what they read, like the Abuelita, my grandmother, when she
October 20 was far off. It was the beginning ofJuly' There
finished reading the paper. Father Hermann, on the other
was no reason for a holiday, as far as I could tell' I snuck into
hand, didn't seem ro care what was in the book. He'd talk
the school in the area of the gym, near the Beigian Nun's
about Holland, the wdy his mother had cried when he left
Hospital. I climbed the gate and jumped in, then rushed to
home to go so far away, to the Philippines where people didn't
the elementary school classrooms. The Divine Vord
drink milk or plant tulips, which Dutch people do everyday.
Missionary School is now an old university, complete with
He'd talk about the foreigtrer who carried Jesus's cross, Simon
ruined wooden buildings and a Museum of \Tartime
the Cyrene. In some sputtered way, he was supposed to be
Memorabilia and the First Lady's Effects' At that time, it
Simon, or Simon the Cyrene was Father Hermann. Then at
spanned two blocks of stone and wooden buildings, a[ in daily
the end of his talk he would always remind us to quit climbing
use and only slight disrepair. Behind the high school, and
 ,.1p.$"1 >< 7
6 D( T|;L"t

please never squatter kid should but kept quiet. He ignored me. Then at
the guava ftees, stop walking on the gnss and the entrance to the ffeld from where I had just come, on the
;i;y"; ." the flower beds' flower seeds are impo4ed and
bridge spanning the creek, a vehicle arrived.
I"-*"ri"", his teeth protruding as if to meet the white collar It came over the bridge and trundled onro the field,
;i'his r"b., a sieht that led me to dismacdors ofpity and stirring grass, earth and men. The nearest men in uniform
distress.
moved immediately towards the car. A lady stepped out. They
But took the guava anlway, looking around for a
I
the saluted smartly. I saw all this fiom a wide open field flat as a
hovering priest. There was none' The fruit was crunchy' beach. Then I saw rhe woman point ar me.
I crossed the creek
;Je;td, newly ripe and perfect' iUhengrass
,"J rir"i -yt.lf o" the yellowing of the oval' I Surprise had replaced all my fiight. The car was all black,
including the windows: Iike a firnerary car, except that its trunk
air.or.*a I wasrlt were moving figures on the
alone. There
with his was short, so maybe if it had a dead man it would be a dwarf
,n. field. I thought it was Father Hermann
"ag1, "f ftom good grass' Or the coffin of a lost child.
ori-est-buddies, diligently separating weeds
'r. o..rprtio.t that, for Father Hermann, required proper
When the Abuelita had last read the paper, she had
loose cotton spoken about the rumors going around the ciry.
seclusion. But these people weren't wearing the
like "Que tenga cuidada," she told me in her raspy voice.
camisa, of the old pale priests; they were in blue uniforms
Lisping all the time like a damaged Spaniard, she said that
,.t ooLrrrar, o""p,,hu, o" gu'rds wore gray' They brushed children were disappearing about the banks of the San Juanico
metallil things across the grass as if they were looking lot Strait, over which the president of the country and his lady
,o.. to* ob;-ect. t had gotten far enough onto the field to had ordered the building ofAsia's longest bridge, the decade,s
soon be in their waY. pride and the solution to all the problems of Leyte and Samar.
I that these men had something to do with
was certain
gates' At the same time ofthe children s disappearance, silvery scales
the cancellation ofclasses and the closing ofthe school like a fisir"s were appearing on the long white legs of the tall
I knew I must throw away my stolen guava' or I should
go
First Lady, so tall that there were uncountable scales, each
back through the gates and brave detection by Berrer; scale disappearing only at the death of a child. This was the
a"fi"i"fo I ias in trouble with these sequestered men in the punishment exacted by the spirits of the waters disturbed by
field looking for a priest's dentures or a dead child'
the activity of men over domain that had been untouched for
I ope.Jd *y ,*btella instead' It was a beautiful defersive
guava' centuries.
g"rtrrr., ,1o* th"t I think ofit; and I decided to keep my
My mother laughed at my grandmother.
i..,l"Jrrrf."a ttraight across the fields as ifl were a regular "Who has examined Imelda's legs? Your cronies at the
dweller's child golng home ftom selling cakes'
This
il;;;.; someone else's mahjong table?"
rr^-*.irrffv a regular fantasy of mine' being-
"ln fact, hrja, " my grandmother said, "ThelmaJuarez met
kid, prrticula.ly a squatter's child who did people's dirry her last month in Manila, and she swears Imelda,s legs are
nothing
iru-rirv dr.i.g lunch period and had salt and rice and t hir.r and shrivelled, like the skin of smoked fish. And
that,s
else for supper'
tlrc truth, although, claro, she didn t iemark on it to Imelda
I was scared but no one minded me' I walked along and
rrt the time."
even came quite close to one man' who was smokinB a
"The spirits ofthe bridge arerlt taking people,,, my father
.rgrr",,. a.ri *alkirrg about the {ield with a keen look' I suid impatiently. "Mama, you speak like the maids. There,s a
*ltched him do his work; I twirled my umbrella as a sassy
I l( 1)tl"t" .,\P""d ><9

the tip and sides: diamonds, diamonds on her shoes, so close

war out there-"
to the earrh they glittered like quartz that I somerimes picked
"Shut up, Prospero," my mother interrupted' "There's
around the beach.
no such thing or we'd know about it. It s your mad political
She was the queen of minerals.
plos: they'll drive you crazY."
And below the flared swath ofher red pants, I glimpsed
"That's what you get ftom an education in Barcelona:
ankles: silvery as if with the scales of fish.
the logic of servants,' my father mumbled to Anna and mlself
But when she smiled, she had ordinary teeth: no rubies
He liked to point out to us scrupulously the defects of my
or pearls.
mother's side of the familY.
'S7hatever my pa(ents said, I'd lay awake some nights 'Are you lost?" she asked. Like a common woman, she
spoke in the dialect.
thinking of the children spirited to the waters. I couid see
"Yes, ma'am," I answered in English.
myself inatched from the jeepney of Mano Ramon and
"English-rspilring" the woman winked at the men. "But
whisked to the banks of the Strait, maybe with a sack over my
aren't you cute. Where do you live?"
head. In the expanse between the provinces of Leyte and
"I'm a squatter child," I said, gathering courage. "I live
Samar were the steel girders of the unfinished bridge, and on
in one of those huts and I was iooking for something to eat."
each pole stood a Spirit of the l7ater's Ancient History, waving
"Stealing Father Hermann's guavas, ha."
me to my doom. In the evenings, I could sense the dark
"No, ma'am."
movement of forces in my clty, seeds of pride, terror, greed
"Vell, you can have lunch with me. If you like?"
and bravery dispersed quietly by the night before I went to
I nodded.
bed.
"Brosie," she told the man who had taken me by the
saw the lady point at me, I thought of the
arm, "you did a good job, I know. But it's silly to think anyone
hen I
would bomb me in Leyte: my people love me. You can all go
Abuelita's warning' I turned to run. Unfortunately, I
home."
tripped on my umbrella. That's the way things go' I broke a
,pir,. or, *y *.rsure ftom Singapore and stood a wtrile to Iix 'lf in the fiont ofthe car, beside the driver, while the lady
sat
ii clumsily, as in my other hand I held my guava' There went
.llwafted in back upon a cloud of immense perfume. I was
the cute redness ofa stuck'out tongue, ripped in two' One of
now struck silent by my situation, waiting for the course of
the uniformed men approached me and, knowing my end was
the anger of the spirits to bear upon me. For this must all be
nea! I bit into my guava.
the ritual, the beginnings of the plot to lift the fish skin ftom
I was taken to the lady. From a distance, she was very
her legs. She.asked me questions in my language, but I could
very tal1, with two feet of hair. Really. Her hair was up rice'
not answer her.
cake style, piled moundwise like a temple or a baker's hat'
The gates to the lady's house were guarded by men in
H", pants *e." red and flared, and she wore a matching iacket'
the same blue uniform as that of the men in the athletic Iield.
I was presented to her.
People in short-sleeved barongs with guns and bellies showing
She was beautiful. She sparkled in the sunlight Gold
through their shirts were swift to come from inside the house
was on her arms, jewels on her fingers. Diamonds, green stones'
to the aid of the lady: several men helped her open the door
a ruby. She seemed all dressed for mahjong' But most wondrous
and held her arm lightly as she got out of the car.
of alL were her shoes: white large stones were embedded on
lO )( T;L"t"
Ap"al $ll

"We were very worried," theY said'

{ictful gesture at the mustached man. I recogrrized him then
island' as one of my grandmother's many mahjong cohorts: a judge
"See? No one killed me. Who on this' my own
would want me killed? I glew up here, these are my
people' of some sort. He didnt seem to recognize me; he was busy
biting his nails, with the air of refinement people sometimes
Now I'm getting annoyed with all of you' Scat!"
lrave when doing disgusting things.
They laughed and asked who I was'
'A squatler child who speaks English' Just think of that' "This place is a mess," the blue lady announced
plaintively to no one in particular, 'Who put these cheap
A produci of the New Society, as you can see'" -
' Th. product of the New Society sat in the back seat coasters here?"

wondering when she was going to be thrown to the

waves' Actually, the coasters must have come with the
grl;rcemats, which had drawings that tepresented different
"Some foreign reporters have also arrived"' the man
provinces. The coasters spelled the names of the capitals that
-
relayed
- in our language with some diffidence'
' wcre supposed to go with the provinces on the mats. I silently
'Oh, they'll see how wonderful my people are' See that
the child has lunch," the lady said' "Then bring her to me in rc;rrranged the coasters on my side, so that Bangued went
wir h the mat of the Abra mountairu, and Thcloban with Leyte
the mezzanine. I'11 show her to the president'
The men brought me to a smail dining room' Dorlt ask ;rr rrl its prophecied bridge.

I remember "Hoy, bam! Stop that! Dorit touch."

me what anything was like. I was only almost seven'
atop narrow I immediately stopped what I was doing; though Snentally
the gleen figurines, elephants and birds, scattered
I kcpt rearranging the coasters, focusing with some pleasure
i"Jglt, ,"Jtt . wood panellings that h9d faint.neelnc lines
settings on the proper match for each city, Bayombong with Nueva
abolut th. .idget, and the properly hushed and ordered
Vizcaya, Tabuk with KalingaApayao, trying to forget what
of plates for myself and other people' There was a coarse'
skinned, thickJipped woman who smelled like an entire
nr ilglrt be coming. ahead.
They gave me cold empanala; the bread covering the
[i"ga"* of rottin! flowers, scuttling in and out in blue' a
p,,rk was soggy, though the pork itselfwas rich and soft, as pig
corlge dangiing ftom her exaggerated breasts' There was a
lL.slr should be. I saw each dish as ifit were a new concoction,
,t i" ir" J, brro"g, light blue Crispa shirt underneath'
a
rxpressly invented for this strange day; and so the noodles
*urtr"h. like a mouse's tail, scraggly and wiggling like a
rlcrrred to be a mass of foreign textures, delicate and awkward
twitching raCs end: he had some sort of tic about his upper
lip. He, tio, stank to heaven of propitiatory cologne'
I've since ,rr lhc rongue, and the brittle fried chicken seemed a rare
t r r.;rr , though a bit dry about the bone. Even the rice had the
associated all such smells gathered in closed spaces-an
.1.u"tor, ,.t ofi"e sancum, the small rafiic in a hotel lobby-
t ,ttc offar-away plains, specially delivered from great distances

rlrrrs slightly undercooked, its white centers crumbling grittily

with that afternoon of strange hospitaliry'
ru,, rrry molars carefully crunched. And the rice cakes: with
"Is this one of the little chitdren?" said the wide lady in
wlr:rr t uriousity I unpeeled one from its banana lea( this treat
blue.
t lrlt I had every aftemoon when I got home from school, sold
A man with mansParent gun answered:
hy r rrr hins and their big-eyed mothers, foreheads bulging like
"Yes, she wants her there' With the president'"
lllrlr .wrapped coconuts. A black bottom appeared from the
"Ve need some more' dorit you think? Oh' if only I'd
I r ,rL,"s lcaf cover. The cake was bumt but warm, dense and
been told earlier; she usually tells me when she's coming!
made a r r r rtr rl,ly, my favorite meal and a suitable final reward.
dorit know what kindzof kids he brought'" Her hand
'tz b4 vlil"t" Ap""t"l )( 13

I was the only one eating, as everyone was moving back , hildren in the room, all looklng quite terrified, and I was
and forth, moving chafus, carrying out dishes, waving dusting
:rshamed to think rhat my expression was like theirs. One boy
kxrked ready to pee, from the way his bottom was angled and
rags.
'When I was almost done with my second cake, one of Iris eyes were comically ser. And when he looked at me I
rr:cognized him. He was a boy in my grade, but in another
the armed men came uP to me:
"Time's up," he said. scction, Section D, the last one, che section of rhe dummies
;u ul the faintly useless to society. At least he deserved his end:
I popped the last bit of bibingka into my mouth, rudely
lrc was going to grow up to be a billiard player or a wine drinker
Iilling it and chewing as I stood up.
rurryway; while I had my ambitions-I might even become a
Time's up, I thought. But the events were too fast for me
and my life had .ro mo.e sense than the rapid movements of r ;rrtographer! \7here was the justice here; and I walked slowly

my mouth as I actualh savored the last taste of cake' toward the man and his circle of children, carrying my
I went through halls with gaping caPir-shelled windows, trtnbrella.
mazing about in geometrics of sunlight as the hall turned into As I walked, lights flashed, the roont's comers seemed to
a .oo* a.rd the room into a foyer, with a curlicued wooden
liven up, like the rustling of grass when fireflies pass. And I
rx )t iced the men and women with cameras who sat and stood
mirror and more of those green {igures of animals that were
uround, and some were inching closer to the man and the
not indigenous to my country. By a closed door stood another
transparent-shirted man, who let me in.
litls. I sat about the ftinge, behind the boy ftom Section D. I
it was a dark room, of the mahogany that the Abuelita's. llrt rny umbrella before me, playing with the spines.
music room had, spacious and scattered about with various "Here she is," the lady announced proudly as I sat down.
"Slrc's a child from the poor, sad neighborhood behind the
carved types of furniture. Scalloped cloth was draped over a
piano, and before it was the 1ady, her glittering shoes tapping rlluxrl where I had graduated, the college where I had been a
a rhythm, as she hummed, hummed, hummed, in a clear rtrrrggling but smart student, roo, as you probably know,
tlrough my family is prominent and goes back to the days of
display of pent passion, but seemingly all to herself' The man
M;rr tin de Legaspi."
I instantly recognized, because his picture hung on every
"Miguel de Legaspi," I whispered involuntarily and
classroom's wal1, with the insignia of stars and the symbolic
colors we had learnt by heart: red for courage, blue for peace,
lrrllrcdiately re$etted ir.
"Yes, child? Speak up! Speak up! That's why the president
yellow for the hope ofthe sun. He was dressed in shorts, too
formal for basketball and too casual for dinne! and a sleeveless,
lr h(.rc, to speak to his young countrymen, to show them he
t ttl r's."
fitted white shirt: he was all in white. His hair was wonderfully
slicked back, like a dolphin's sleek watered flesh' I'd seen
She looked at me with great favor, and I had the sense of
Irry 11r':rrrdmother's tone-for the lady spoke to me in a mixrure
dolphins in the raw, right there in the water, when my mother
hal taken me to Mindoro, in one of her hunting trips for ll Wrray and English-when my grandmother wished me to
stuffable animals. It was a shock to see him so lifelike in tlrll t lcarly with my mother's side of the family: as if the
person; in real life, he himself looked like something ready for Alrrrr.lita and I shared many superior traits, and my father
lu I r(',
creative taxidermy, as his skin was all red and taut, stretched
I irnmediately regretted what I had spoken, but I couldn t
as stuffed animals should be.
He looked up to see me enter. There were few other lu'|1, rrrysclf I dorlt know what came over me, as I didn't much
14 )( 7];["t" ,*p*t"l D( \5

like bragging in school, even wheo I could correct my teacher trlcrrtities: seven in all, seven little fish scales. The lady still
on which San Femando she was talking about, the one in rrt rt the piano, and directed all ofus with her eyes; her avid,
Pampanga or La Union; and I was not really such a talkative
gltttcring glance seemed to be going back to me, and I stayed
person, although Anna declared me slightly mad, and my r
1r ic t, as the man expanded in style, deciaiming with his hands

obstinacy often angeted the Abuelita. Maybe it was the tn ;r stiff riot of proclamations as he briefly sketched what a
contented weight of rice cakes in me, dragging me into a lh rc history we, the future, had to look forward to, this history

confident stupor, ffeacherous and unthinking. wr wcre making. And all the while there were quick glances
"ICs Miguel de Legazpi, ma'am' In fact, Miguel Lopez de rh,rrrt the room, as if the cameras were little gods who were
r r rirr'lring him toward brilliance.
Legazpi; in 1571 he settled Manila. Maybe you mix him up
with Marcrn de Goiti." And we spent the afternoon posing with the president,
I was tinkering with my umbrella-just as I was speaking wlrilc he lectured us in the meanwhile about the need for
without really thinking-and my umbrella opened wide' It rlirr'ipline, qouring Jose Rizal, lifting high his brow serene,
was an accident. Suddenly out in the open was my array of r;rrrt:ras hounding us all the while, his every gesture frozen
red tongues, scattered about in a circle of scom' with that lrr r1llr tly in each photographic flash. He told us to study intently

sudden swish of umbrella sound-whooup! rlrc rcachings in his book, which he held up-The Neu.r
One tongue, split up, gaped sadly through a bent spine' l t'lution: Democraql, covered in stark white, symbolizing
lnstant\ men were around me, rushing about in fat Ir,rtror, a copy of which he gave to each of us, signed, our
shadows. tr( civing motions stiffened accordingly by the cameras'
There was silence in the room. At the door, the man glrrrrccs.

with the gun showing through his shirt seemed to hold on to I hadrlt noticed at first the judge in the blue undershirt
his weapon suddenly, alert and thoughtful of his duties' wlro was standing in the shadows behind the lady; he began
A foreign cameraman came closeq breaking the room's tr r w:rtch me, as intently as I thought the lady was.
'lhe photographers left the hall, the children
intake of breath; or maybe I imagine this spell of silence' were
Then the president laughed, loud and crackling like a rltrrnissed, and my grandmother's fiiend, the judge in blue,
piece of mahogany smashing in two. Some people in the room Irlr,u'rl to me: "Psst!"
smiled, cameras again began to flash. The lady continued to It was he who took me home while everyone else was led
stare silently at her piano, her fingers still about the keys' lrrt, I Ic told me he knew who I was.
Then she smiled at the entire room. "You should be ashamed ofyoursel( tricking good people

'iSee, these are the children we ate bringing up! The hlr that. "
children of the New Society! Knowledgeable and respecdrl And he told the story to the Abuelita when I got home-
and speaking English fluent\ as a second language! Vhat rlrrrrrr my disowning my family, pretending to be an orphan,
more can this country want? \yhat more can they ask for?" lytr r11 like a washerwoman, and lastly my pride and bad

The men with gurs took my open umbrella' I let them; ltrrlnn('rs, correcting other people as if I were Jesus in the
it was broken, after all. lrrrrplc with those wise men. He didrf t mention my umbrella.
I kept my mouth shut after that and lust listeried, lltr skinny mustaohe tweaked like a mad yoyo string in the
It r rrry of his volubility.
watching what was going on. lUhen they asked me my name,
'l hc Abuelita, of course, was shocked,
I said my maid's name: Fe, and each child in tum gave their especially by my
 -Ap*t"l )( 17
rb )( l)i["t
knife, not an umbrella. "Who on these islands wants me dead?
rudeness. Que bmbaridad, ryc barbmitad' My people love me." It's a distinction of mine that I can
"She ii, after alt, the first lady ofour country' a
Leytefla:
with remember that. That same year she had inaugurated with
what kind of grandchild is thisJ But what was she doing triumph the speedily built bridge, with the unknown people
these children?" my grandmother asked'
dying around the country and her legs became smooth as a
My mother just bit her lip' shaking her head'
dolphiris black Iin. And later in the decade, I was to find her
On the other hand' my fathel on hearing the story of name in many of my history books, in fact in al1my high school
I had never
my sad arrogance, looked at me with an expression
and he never history texts, as we learned about her traveling bounfy across
seen before; he was usuaft an impassive man' the land, instead of about the founding of Manila or the
really looked haPPY. flavorful characters of the Bicol region or the Ilocos mountains,
'He
clappei me to him and heartily slapped me on the
which created hardworking penny-pinching people. I never
back. did see my picture in the photos of the president distributed
"ThaCs my daughter!" around the country in beautiful brochures and even
But then he ,eirrmed that look of preoccupation he hardbound books. But I do remember how that same evening
like
normally had, as if thinking deeply about other things' of the incident, she had appeared on the very same stage with
those times when he was ready to tear into a cartoon' overbitten Father Hermann and many other happy foreign
iior.lrfri"g pens tdumphantly so that his work the next day priests, to accept their plaque of appreciation for the honors
on
rnight be Ieiected by the same weekly paper' As if caught she had showered upon the university, even on my elementary
back he
,r,ia.", tt t.ru-ed to his table, patting me on the as
school, just for being what she was, a rall woman from Leyte,
- "Thrt's my girl! You tell them, the arrogant fools'"
*e.rt'-Later whose island geography full of natural resources creates
as mysi-ster and I were going to bed' I heard
sounds
carefree, loving people,
in my parents' room; they were arguing loudly' It was..my I remember sometimes my umbrella: but not with
,r'rott.. ,gri.r, asking him to desist from his cartoons: "Do nostalgia really-it was a cheap thrill, that thing blooming in
vou r". ril* might happen?" I heard my mother say this' ot
niy hands, the red tongues sticking out: "whooup." I tell you-
maybe it was something else'
-'-Ldidrft wish you had been there. )(
understand what it was all about' I was' in fact'
quietly' so
.ro, qri ,.r..,, and I cried in my room that night'
" so vastly
arrriu *oria" t .a11 me a dolt, feeling only that I was
relieved that I was alive.

,( nd so there it is-my day in history complete with fear

fi\"d trembling, and even a dash of humor' I remember
look on
again, blinking my eyes to see it
clearly, the lady's
itr^iary silenlbv the piano, for we all know what happened
,?,..*r.d. I thought she might have had the same surprised
look when the man in dark clothes came on a stage
in the
South, where she was again spreading her good- news about
the New Sociery, and the man lunged at her' but was
it a