Heroes in the New Millenium

I can remember when I was a teen in the 90's, I had two heroes, Dennis Miller and George Carlin. Both seemed to be intelligent; Miller, with his immense vocabulary and mastery of the F word, and Carlin, with his common sense, everyman, logical approach to life's little moments. Both were my heroes, straight-shooters who held nothing back, and told it like they saw it. Respectable. Dennis's tagline at the end of his signature Rants was (and still is, to my knowledge) Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong! How honest can you get? Fast forward to 2010, the writing of this chapter. Carlin has been dead for a couple of years, and never compromised his beliefs once. Dennis Miller, by comparison, seems to have shifted his beliefs from a Left-leaning Independent to a Fox News Channel shill. I still respect him, though, because 9/11 seemed to affect him at a somewhat fundamental level, but I no longer consider him a hero. And that makes me sad. As humans, we are all compelled to look to others as a source of inspiration for our own beliefs

and actions. It's only natural, we are constantly in need of guidance. Some turn to spirituality and religion. Others turn to cult leaders. Some turn to their parents, others sports figures. The possibilities for heroes and role models are literally only limited to our imaginations. But not all people need to be considered worthy. Case in point, Jim Jones and David Koresh.1 All too often, our heroes and idols fail us, and recently, in a major way. Chris Henry, a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals who was killed, had a rather troubling arrest record before the domestic incident that ultimately claimed his life. His talent was undeniable, and a rare gift, to be sure, but his off-field behavior was off-putting to fans and others, to say the least. Another example in the sports genre, and this one is a bit personal, Pete Rose, the MLB's all-time hit king, nicknamed Charlie Hustle, gambled on baseball while manager of the Cincinnati Reds. By his own admission, he did this, though he contends that he never bet on Reds games. After the Black Sox scandal of the early 1900's, baseball has always been on the lookout for those who would fail to learn from the point-shaving scandal that, in my estimation, paved the way for Football to surpass Baseball as the National Pastime.2 If we look at Music, we see even more examples of great talent, lousy character. We could
1 Both are well-documented cult leaders who, when faced with their own corruption, decided that mass suicide was better than surrender to authorities. 2 This is disputed between fans of both sports. Full disclosure, I'm in Baseball's camp, despite the fact I love both.

vamp for hours about Madonna, but that would be petty, and besides, lately, she seems to have gotten her act together, so I'll leave her alone. I have no animosity toward the truly repentant, so let's concentrate on the Idiot Brigade. And, as Donald Rumsfeld once said about Iraq3 (and I paraphrase), there are much better targets. Elvis, for example, became addicted to prescription drugs. As a result, he died on the toilet. Not a very dignified way to go, if you ask me. Ozzy Osbourne, much as I adore the man, isn't a very good role model either, mainly due to the fact that he better serves as an example of how NOT to live if you want to have your words understood after age 45. Years of hard drugs and harder partying will do that. Still, he's clean now, and has recovered a modicum of coherence and audible understandability. Nonetheless, when your family is the subject of a reality TV show (see the chapter on Pop Culture for THAT thought), the evidence is preserved for posterity, and you are judged accordingly. In media, virtually NO ONE qualifies as a role model. Bill O'Reilly, for starters, has sexually harassed a female producer, and committed all manner of factual errors, most notably claiming Americans, and not Nazi's, were responsible for the massacre of Malmedy. Glenn Beck has cracked jokes about a colleague's dead mother, and made attacks on the children of a sitting President of the United States.
3 As reported in the book Against All Enemies, by Richard Clarke.

Neil Cavuto has surmised that a civil war in Iraq might be a good thing. The list of conservatives in the media who fail the role model test are almost too numerous to list, but a small sampling should suffice: Bill O'Reilly Ann Coulter Glenn Beck Rush Limbaugh Gretchen Carlson Steve Doocey Brian Kilmeade Sarah Palin Karl Rove Pat Robertson You might think that I might have a similar list of liberals in the media, but I can only think of one name in that category, and it is this: Alan Colmes4 So with this partial list of examples of who NOT to idolize, you might be asking, just Who on the fuck should I look up to? With all that goes on in the public eye, with celebrity scandal as commonplace as puffy white clouds, who is worthy of my poster frame on my wall? A fair question, actually, and, using logic and common sense, I have some answers. Let's start with your parents. Mom and Dad.
4 And that is just because he rolled over nightly when he shared billing with Sean Hannity. Fair and Balanced, my left butt-cheek!

OK, these days, maybe it's just Mom. Divorce is all too common these days because men think through their dicks, and women are too easily bullshitted into thinking that the man's game is actually genuine feelings. But our parents, for the most part, are the ones most worthy. Dad took a crap job to keep diapers and formula on the table for you when your mom pooped you out, and she went through the worst hell imaginable, pain-wise, just to bring you into the world. The least you can do is let them know how much you appreciate them. Now, let us look at your school. I know, in high school, there was that one teacher who really busted your balls/tits, and in general made your school year Hell on Earth. But think on this: you remember what he/she taught you, don't you? And let's not forget, he/she had to deal with 5-10 people just like you every day of the school year, in addition to the rest of their students. That's talent. All too many teachers these days just give up on teaching altogether and just try to sleep with a student or six. But every once in a while, you get one who is so dedicated to making sure you know the capital of Nevada is Carson City, and not the Moonlite Bunnyranch, that later on, you realize that you really DO use everything that educator taught you. Now, where else? OK, you can forget the office, because the only person there is the nerd who consistently wins Employee of the Month, and that guy is a total douche. You really want to just put him in traction and requiring dental reconstruction

surgery, aren't you? Yeah, the bloodlust rises... shit, sorry, I get carried away with rage at those people. And it's easy to do, isn't it? Well, just because it's easy, doesn't mean it's right, pal. Now, as for me, I have a few more idols than I did before, mainly due to my beliefs. I still idolize George Carlin, but only respect Dennis Miller, and admire his acting style in Joe Dirt. I idolize Shock G, formerly of Digital Underground, because his sound holds up for decades. Future Rhythm was a bangin' album, and it still is, ok, Jack Mehoff? As for people who do this opinion journalism, I have to go with Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. I find them knowledgeable, insightful, and, most importantly, correct. I know you might not agree, but they are both better than the Frank Burns of News. And in sports, I tip my ballcap to Todd Benzinger. Not only is he a consumate professional, but he is a local boy, for me, anyway. Plus, as a Reds fan, he was a part of the 1990 Big Red Machine that did the impossible and swept the Oakland A's in four games. As of the writing of this sentence, he is the manager of Cincinnati's Single-A club, the Dayton Dragons. True, they had a losing season, but it's affordable entertainment for the whole family, and how often does one see a man who made history like Benzinger as a manager?5
5 Actually, a lot, but it usually, to my knowledge, is a Major League team. And as for T.B.'s history-making play, he recorded the final out in Game Four of the 1990 World Series. For you Trivial Pursuit buffs. And you, Keith Olbermann!

So, in conclusion, don't idolize a person simply because they have a talent. When you do, they will no doubt disappoint you, and you will be left feeling barren and devoid of emotion for a while, often hating what you once celebrated. And if you think I am wrong, remembver this: There are STILL people who believe O.J. Simpson was innocent! And That's my three cents worth!