Notes: this ONLY a fanfic to practice my

English, not my real history.

2009, oct 13.

Dear Milly,

Despite, I'm suffering right now, I'll be good.

Well, I guess, because I have been listening to a
song about self mutilation (blue hair), and I see
that outside nothing happened. There's no solar
eclipse. The solar eclipse was yesterday. And I
was talking about suicide with my mate and how
she shouldn't do something like that in the
future because her hair goes to be good. We all
are fucked up, I'm NOT special, I'm not the
protagonist. And today for a change I saw my
daddy and I said to him that he makes me feel
like I'm a fool. And I also said to my mum
before she introduced a conversation about how
I was being rude: "And how about talking the
way things are going to me and how you made my
life a shit because you wanted to? Yall are
harmful to my life". After that, I was going to
my bedroom to listen to music and not think
about it anymore, because it was over for me
and my fam. No one respects me and I don't
respect anybody. But I wanted some time to be
self aware and to reflect about what was going
on.

And ugh, you know, there's too much to know in

English, I 'm still not fluent, but I'm trying
anyway. I think I've to try reading and speaking
for more practice.
And often I'm still mad at myself because It's
hard for me to fall in love like other people can
do. And I think I must not be sad with myself
because I have a lot to learn yet, despite
realizing that everyone it's getting tired of me.
And I really don't wanna see it happen. It's so
awful and scary. I have been really afraid of
everything and of everybody, but I don't want
it anymore. I hope to meet people who don't
hurt me like me fam hurt.

And, 'kay, I'll make notes here: I ALWAYS

miss the “to, of, on, by, from, if, etc" and
specific what I wrote. I always think in
Portuguese instead of English, what's not
supposed to happen.

So I played that music on loop in the evening,

and now I'm appreciating this
mega-sounding-good song, and I mean now, that
I never felt that way in my whole life, cause,
bro, it's so good that I really can't describe
how. I was going to listen to another song, but
that song doesn't hit like it used to.

Basically, we're the most shallow person I've

seen. Just be yourself, make things you love,
use the haircut you like more, write everything
you want, spend your time being yourselves.
Because we all will die someday, and nobody
knows if this someday will be tomorrow instead.

And tonight I found my sister being transphobic

in the kitchen with her dick jokes. I saw that
scene happening, and then suddenly I am on the
kitchen, saying;

— So, what about talking about the fact that

there's no way this sort of thing can be funny,
and we don't need to talk about it anymore?
Just for a change.
And then she became really red-faced. She
taken a look at me with those pathetic blue eyes
and almost shouted at my face:

— Don't be silly, it's only a joke.

— IT'S NOT A JOKE WHEN YOU'RE

LITERALLY HURTING SOMEONE'S
FEELINGS! I AM YOUR YOUNGEST SISTER,
NOT BROTHER, YOU IDIOT — and sooner I
calmed myself. — I just want you to know that
I'm really upset with what happened in the
hallways of the School… I want you to know that
I saw that. You said to Tommy that I'm just a
chicken legs boy with a small penis, didn't you?

— I didn't, I swear — her voice was weak.

— You said it!

— Why do you don't kill yourself then?

— I don't will kill myself cause if I did it, I
don't could kill you first, and I don't kidding, I
really want to kill your stupid death face with
the most dangerous and harmful knife you have
seen.

And I left the kitchen because my mum was

about to come out. My sister didn't say
anything to our mum when she was there. And I
was going to my bedroom.

And was it.

Love always,
Millie.

2009, oct 17.

Dear Milly,
Ok, I think I should teach Bob to do basic
higienis. I will tell everything I know about this
guy and how he's disgusting. First, he's from my
class, and he wasn't from any club because he
called himself has dumb in front of teacher
Toomey's face and left the class to smoke in
the summer air in the hallways. I saw him doing
this when I was about to go to the bathroom.
He noticed me and smiled at my face like I was
some type of his drunk friend. So disgusting. He
knows nothing about me, but still says I have a
strong personality, just because I told him in
the hallways that he had awkward glasses and
that they were too scary for him to wear at the
school.

And last week, I saw him stucking a unknown

type of bug into the toilet from the feminine
bathroom. I saw that scene because I couldn't
breathe correctly in class, so I wanted to do it
more normally in the bathroom, despite the fact
that this place isn't a good place to “breathe
clearly”, even more so when there's a stupid guy
STICKING an animal into a BATHROOM
TOILET. I couldn't distinguish between if he
was a nonhuman or if he was just non aware. I
think he's autistic because he's so disgusting
and so chaotically messy. And I said it to him.

— What the hell are you saying?

I had chocolate milk for myself tonight. I think

I am drinking more than 500 kilograms right
now, but I stopped of being worry about my
health a few years ago (since my birth,
actually), so fucked it.

People used to call me dumb and wimpy. And,

yeah, I feel like a fragile messy all the time,
who isn't good at what it was supposed to be,
but I amn't a child anymore, I grow up faster
than other people, so I don't understand people,
especially my mum saying this. I think I never
used my brain in my entire 15 years of life, and,
by the way, I'm afraid to use it because I don't
care about looking like the dumbest person in
my family for a change. I'm okay with that fact,
honestly. And, like, I am more intelligent than
my other siblings, so why do my parents invalid
me so much?

2009, Oct 20.

More than one day has passed, and I haven't

used those math problems in my life. I'm about
to question the school.

I find he is so pretty and intelligent, despide

he's disgusting.