‘JOY’

CHARACTERS -

Lizzy is smart, confident, but not arrogant. Sometimes gently flirtatious. Not arch or insincere.
You’d want her as your best friend.

Luke is self-effacing without being tiresome. Witty and wry.

Joy is .. perfect for LUKE (whatever that means). But – and this is the important bit – she is
never credited in any poster or programme. As far as your audience is aware, this character
doesn’t exist, and this play only has two characters.

An office. Almost cleared out. A couple of packing boxes remain, on or next to a desk,
if you have one. A laptop flipped open. LIZZY tossing a final few files into a box as she
talks into her cellphone.

Lizzy No, it’s all gone. Packed up most of it – uh, what’s today? Well, yesterday, anyway. I’m
down to the last couple of boxes, and the laptop. No, the PC’s not mine – it’s gone back to my
mum. I know. Five years, and I never got round to getting my own. Well, I could do it all on the
laptop, couldn’t I – hang on – (to LUKE, who she’s noticed has appeared in the doorway
during this last) you want upstairs.

Luke Uh, do I?

Lizzy Yeah. You’ve got the right door number, but you want the next floor up. This whole
floor’s pretty much empty nowadays. We’re all clearing out.

Luke Oh, right. I’ve got an appointment for two.

Lizzy Yeah? I mean, yeah, you probably have. But it’ll be upstairs. Not here.

Luke Upstairs?

Lizzy Yeah. Same door number, next floor up.

Luke Oh, yeah. Yeah, you said. Thanks.

He waves his hand in an awkward farewell and disappears. Clearly not quite convinced.

Lizzy (to phone) Oh, some guy. Don’t know. Looking for the Salsa class. No, actually, it’s
about 50/50 now. Which makes sense, when you think about it. They keep trying to get me to
come along, but I can’t see that I’ve ever gonna be back here now. Plus, I need all the spare
time I can get now, trying to find a new job. What? No, thanks – oh, that’s really sweet – no,
that’s fine – I’m going to borrow Tony’s car. No, it’s fine, he’s working from home today, so he
won’t need it. Yeah, it’s only the last few boxes. Yeah, that’s brilliant – I’ll see you tonight, we’ll
celebrate being out of work! I know. Yeah, let’s say eight. At Burton’s. Alright. Bye. Love y’.

She hangs up, and gets back to work, dropping the last few files in the last few boxes.
After a moment, LUKE, uncertain, pops back through the door.

Luke Excuse me. Sorry, I’m pretty sure that this is the right room.

Lizzy I wouldn’t have thought so. Are you sure?

Luke Well, not any more. But this is 22B?

Lizzy Yes. But we’re closed. We’re – well, I’m out of business, actually. Moving out today.

Luke Oh. Sorry. When did that happen?

Lizzy It’s been on the cards for ages to be honest, but we finally pulled the plug – when was
it – last week. Well, beginning of last week. Monday.

Luke But I have an appointment. For today. At two.

Lizzy Yeah, you said.

Luke I’m pretty sure the appointment said this room.

Lizzy I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you. I – sorry, appointment?

Luke Yes.

Lizzy Not class?

Luke I didn’t know there was a class.

Lizzy When – when did you make it? This appointment?

She’s beginning to rifle through those files.

Luke Oh, this was back in October. I’d already booked a holiday. I thought I would book an
appointment so that there was something to look forward to when I got back.

Lizzy Something to look forward to?

Luke Yeah. Does that sound weird? I just meant that everyone I know was going on at me
to go on a date, so finally I thought – you know – that I should do something about that. Maybe.

Lizzy Oh, God – you’re – you’re Luke. Luke ..

Luke Taylor. Luke Taylor.

Lizzy That’s right. Look, I’m sorry. I do remember making the appointment. It’s just that –
well. I thought. You know.

Luke Yeah, I know. (rather long pause) No, hang on, I don’t know.

Lizzy I didn’t think you’d actually turn up.

Luke Is that what normally happens when people make appointments?

Lizzy I don’t get it. Why are you here?

Luke You know. To – you know – to – God, it’s embarrassing when you have to say it out
loud, isn’t it? To – I don’t know, to find a date. What does anyone else come here for? To find
someone to have a date with. So that you could – uh, you know – match me up with somebody
who might actually find me reasonably tolerable. Uh, I never use phrases like reasonably
tolerable in actual real life conversation. I mean, I did then, but that was the first time, I swear.
That won’t count against me, will it?

Lizzy Count against you?

Luke You know. On this date you’re going to set me up on.

Lizzy Oh, OK. Are you sure that’s such a good idea?

Luke I’m sorry?

Lizzy Do you think that it’s wise for you to go on a date?

Luke Why? What’s wrong with me?

Lizzy No, nothing’s wrong with you –

Luke Beginning to see why you’re out of business –

Lizzy Now, hang on –

Luke Wait. This is – this is the dating agency, right? I have actually come to the right place?

Lizzy Well, yes.

Luke Good. Because that could’ve been embarrassing.

Lizzy I did think you were here for the Salsa class.

Luke I. Yeah, I don’t know what to say to that.

Lizzy Right.

Luke I’m not here for the Salsa class. I’m here for a date. I don’t know if I can say that I’m
here for a date many more times without sounding creepy and desperate.

Lizzy You don’t sound creepy and desperate.

Luke Good. Thank you. Well, that’s a start, isn’t it?

Lizzy But you still shouldn’t be here.

Luke Am I not good enough for your dating agency?

Lizzy No, I’m not saying that. It’s like I said. I’m out of business. We have actually closed
down. I still don’t understand why you’re here.

Luke You’re kidding, right?

Lizzy It’s a perfectly valid question under the circumstances.

Luke Under the circumstances?

Lizzy Look, what does your girlfriend have to say about all this?

Luke My girlfriend?

Lizzy Your boyfriend?

Luke My boyfriend?

Lizzy Your whatever.

Luke I don’t have a whatever. That’s the point.

Lizzy You’re married?

Luke No, I’m not married. This is why I’m here. This is why I booked the appointment. Well,
not the married thing. But I don’t have – I don’t have a whatever. A girlfriend is what I don’t
have.

Lizzy That doesn’t make any sense.

Luke That’s what I said. I’m nice. I’m OK looking. I’m good with kids and everything.

Lizzy Why do you want us to find you a partner.

Luke I don’t know. For companionship. A couple of dates. Maybe, eventually, so that when
I have sex, it’s not just me there.

Lizzy But I – sorry, this is going a bit fast – where is your girlfriend?

Luke I don’t have – seriously, were you running your agency for long? She’s nowhere. She
doesn’t exist. Or, she does exist, she’s out there somewhere, waiting for me.

Lizzy Waiting?

Luke Yeah. Somewhere out there there’s a woman who’s both drunk enough and self-
loathing enough to find me remotely attractive.

Lizzy You don’t have a girlfriend?

Luke Oh, sorry, was I not clear? No, I don’t have a girlfriend.

Lizzy Fuck.

Luke Well, I’ll take your shock and awe as a compliment, but it doesn’t really help with the
main issue at hand, which is –

Lizzy You don’t understand. Everybody’s in a couple.

Luke Oh, I know. Everywhere I go, I see couples. Holding hands in parks. Kissing in parks.
On one occasion, having full sex in a park. That was awkward. I’d pretty much walked on top
of them before I noticed. It wasn’t as if it was particularly warm –

Lizzy No, I don’t mean that. Everyone is in a couple. Literally, everyone is in a couple.
Everyone – well. Everyone is in a couple.

Luke What?

Lizzy Well. You know how you walk around, thinking that absolutely everyone else is in a
happy solid relationship, and you’re the only one going home alone?

Luke Yeeess?

Lizzy Well. You’re not paranoid.

Luke What?

Lizzy Uh. Yes. I’m afraid it’s true. You. You’re the last single person left in the world.
Everyone else is in a couple.

Luke No.
Lizzy Yes. It started becoming obvious – what? Three, four years ago. Obviously, we were
the first to notice because of the line of business we’re in. Clients started becoming a lot more
difficult to drum up. People just weren’t walking through the door anymore. Obviously, we just
thought it was some kind of glitch in our system, because – well, you know, it doesn’t make
any sense. But then other dating agencies started reporting the same problem. Tho’ I’m not
sure you can really call it a problem. Everyone living happily ever after.

Luke Everyone?

Lizzy Yup. Divorce rates are right down. People staying together into their old age. And
here’s the thing – if anyone ever does – I don’t know, die suddenly, or whatever, it’s never
more than three months before the person who’s left hooks up with somebody new. It’s almost
as if the universe has finally righted itself, and is in perfect balance.

Luke That’s just brilliant. The numbers are against me. If the universe is in perfect balance
now, then – well. I’m screwed.

Lizzy Or not screwed. As it were.

Luke Thanks.

Lizzy Sorry.

Luke None of this makes any sense. The maths don’t add up. What about all the teenagers?

Lizzy What about all the teenagers?

Luke What about all the lesbians?

Lizzy You want a date with a teenage lesbian? And when you walked in, I thought you were
going to be more original than that.

Luke That’s not what I’m saying. The world can’t be that perfectly balanced. There are
millions – billions – of kids out there. What, as soon as they turn sixteen, they immediately
hook up with someone? And there can’t be a perfect balance of men and women and people
who are gay and not gay .. I can’t be the only single person on the planet. Not just me. It’s
impossible.

Lizzy Is it? Is it really? The numbers are never in your favour. If running my own dating
agency has taught me anything, its that. Some perfectly decent people are never lucky, some
complete dicks get everything. If you want to talk about the numbers being against you, that’s
where the numbers are against you. There’s – what – seven billion people on the planet? Even
if you ignore, as you say, all the kids, all the people who are too young and too old for you,
anyone who isn’t going to be interested in you anyway because they’re gay – that’s still a hell
of a lot of people. Lot of them could be pretty damn perfect for you. But that’s a lot of noise to
cut through. That doesn’t make it easier to find someone – it just means that there’s a huge
mess of people you’re always distracted from. It’s a wonder anyone ever gets to meet anyone.

Luke Right. And is this supposed to make me feel better?

Lizzy Actually, yes. OK, listen: Once you get to a certain age – our age, for instance – most
people have probably been in at least a couple of relationships already, right?

Luke I guess.
Lizzy Right. But those relationships didn’t work out, did they?

Luke And that’s a good thing?

Lizzy Of course it’s a good thing. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. That kinda thing.
And if it kills the other guy – well, that just puts you in position to be the new guy.

Luke What, are you suggesting that I start hanging around the funerals of men who die
tragically young in sudden car accidents? Because I’m not sure that’s a great story for the
grandkids.

Lizzy I’m obviously not suggesting that you hang around funerals –

Luke Oh, what, I should cut out the middle man? If I see a girl I like, just go ahead and
murder her boyfriend? Who are you, Tuesday Weld?

Lizzy Who?

Luke Uh. Tuesday Weld. She was in a film with Anthony Perkins. It’s an obscure movie
reference thing.

Lizzy Right.

Luke I know.

Lizzy Look, failure is good. Loss is good. Being dumped – coming out of a relationship is
fine, absolutely fine. Come on. With a couple of very rare exceptions, like some kids who met
at Sunday school and got engaged when they were like, eight, none of us manage to get to
our twenties completely unbruised, do we? Any relationship that we have after the age of –
nineteen? Twenty? Is built on the wreckage of all our other, failed relationships.

Luke That’s the thing, isn’t it? Right now, there are no failed relationships. Everyone’s doing
really well. Everyone except me.

Lizzy Yeah, but this isn’t magic. It’s just a .. momentary perfect balancing of numbers and
the universe. Don’t worry, everything will shift again. Probably.

Luke What, are you saying that if I ever have sex again, the entire universe will be knocked
off its balance?

Lizzy Listen, I don’t imagine that you’re that good. But, look. This is crazy. I admit it. It’s
ridiculous, it’s unbelievable. It will change. I have no doubt you’ll have someone gazing into
your eyes before too long. You do have gorgeous eyes, you know.

Luke Oh, do I? I can never tell, I’m on this side of them.

Lizzy You see, that. Don’t do that. Take the compliment.

Luke No, I’m not doing that, honest, I’m just – I’m just wanting to check. ‘cause, I’ve kinda
thought that I probably do have nice eyes, because there’s been a few girlfriends in the past
who have told me that, but then I get paranoid and think, is that just a thing that women tell
their boyfriends to make them feel better, you know, like, you’ve got nice eyes, you’re a good
kisser, you’ve got a big dick ..

Lizzy And have you ever been told that last one?
Luke No, never. (realises) Oh, God, no, never. Shit.

Lizzy I shouldn’t worry about it. Size really isn’t important.

Luke That’s a lie, isn’t it?

Lizzy Yeah, that’s a lie. Look, all I’m saying is. Just wait it out. There will be someone for
you. There’s no need for you to give up.

Luke That’s very sweet, but honestly? I pretty much gave up years ago. I mean, I know that
I booked that appointment here, but that was just to shut everyone up. All my friends going
‘Oh, Luke, you’re lovely, honestly. Oh, Luke, when I first met you, I used to really fancy you.
(beat) But then I got to know you.’

Lizzy So you just gave up? On love? Isn’t that a tad melodramatic?

Luke So what? From what you’re saying, love is, by its very nature, melodramatic. Or it damn
well should be. If it’s any good, anyway.

Lizzy And what, in your opinion, is ‘love’, exactly?

A short, considering pause.

Luke Oh, I don’t know. Alright, I do know. Love is having a pointless crush on the same girl
for eight and a half years while she complains bitterly to you about the guy she’s actually going
out with. She finally dumps him, the pair of you get drunk, stupid and naked one night – she
runs off, phones you saying sorry, but perhaps you can’t meet up for coffee anymore because
that would be ‘awkward’ – she gets back together with the guy – has a child with him –
emigrates to Canada, and the last you hear from her is a Christmas round robin that’s sent
from his email account. And that’s love.

Lizzy (mocking, but kind) You speaking from personal experience, there?

Luke (wry) Absolutely not. That was a friend. Definitely a friend. (silence) It just ended up
that the girl .. I think I just projected the idea of her, rather than .. (pause) You know that thing
of putting the girl on the pedestal? I know that’s bad.

Lizzy No, it’s not.

Luke Oh?

Lizzy Oh, I know everyone goes on about ‘don’t put me on a pedestal’, but screw that. Look
at me, I’m great. I damn well deserve to be put on a pedestal. But here’s the catch. You have
to be able to join me on that pedestal. We have to deserve each other. Otherwise, what’s the
point?

Luke That .. that does make sense.

Lizzy I know it makes sense. I’m brilliant.

Luke And I’m going to guess that, uh. You. You have a ..

Lizzy I have a Tony.

Luke Yes. And, so. This – Tony. He’s. He’s ..

Lizzy He’s beautiful. We’re going to get married.

Luke Oh, good. That’s brilliant. (thinks, then more sincere) Actually, sorry, that is brilliant.
Congratulations.

Lizzy Thank you.

Luke Right. I’d better .. yeah. I. (begins to leave. turns -) I suppose – I suppose you don’t
have a sister?

Lizzy Actually, I do.

Luke And .. and she’s – what? A grown up? Still alive?

Lizzy Gay.

Luke Yeah, I’m gonna go.

He hesitates at the door, raises a hand in farewell.

Luke It was good to meet you, uh –

Lizzy Lizzy. It was good to meet you too, Luke.

He nods. A smile. A moment.

He’s gone.

A pause.

A knock at the door.

Lizzy Oh, don’t spoil it. Be cool. Never come back. You –

The door opens. It’s not LUKE. The woman in the doorway is – well, whoever you want
to cast. But certainly the sort of woman we could imagine LUKE being very distracted
by.

Lizzy Oh, hello. Who are you?

Joy I’m sorry, I don’t know if I’ve got the right place. Is this the dating agency? I made the
appointment months ago.

A beat, before she realises she hasn’t answered LIZZY’s question.

Joy Joy. My name is Joy.

On LIZZY’s delighted surprise –

BLACKOUT