Writing exam:
nowadays, with popularity of virtual world children have less physical activity than a few years ago. they
stay at home and spend leisure time by phone, social media etc while they very few do outside activities
of school. Absolutely, I agree that sports lessons should be obligatory. In this assay will explain it.
In my view, doing exercise affected mind and body. When children have sports lessons, their mindset
become more active and creative. besides, sports help children have a healthy body subsequently, they
will satisfy with their physic, so they will be more happy. Also, daily physical activity due to decrease
stress and anxiety Thus, sport is not only related to the appearance but also to the mind. In addition,
sports especially team sports teach working as a team and collaboration that is very useful for them and
their future.
Another reason for my opinion is that illnesses diminish with grow age in the future because new
generation had physical activity in younger age and at school, so community will not have issues such as
blood pressure and heart attack. If children of this generation have not enough activity, when they get
older governments encounter many serious problems like disability and vulnerability of the population.
Then, Healthy society needs healthy people.
To sum up, I agree that children are less active in leisure time compared with the past and sports play a
crucial role in their future, healthy and society. It is very essential that schools have a lot of plan for
children’s sports and physical activity.
Band Score Evaluation: 6.0
Here’s a detailed evaluation of the essay based on the IELTS Writing Task 2 band descriptors:
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Task response: Band 6
Strengths:
The essay addresses the task by presenting a clear opinion and relevant reasons for supporting
compulsory sports lessons.
You discuss the physical, mental, and societal benefits of sports, showing an understanding of the topic.
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
Areas for Improvement:
Some ideas lack depth and specific examples (e.g., how sports help reduce stress or prevent illnesses).
Adding examples or elaborating with real-world scenarios would strengthen the argument.
The claim about societal issues like disability and government challenges is underexplored and needs
further explanation to tie it back to the main argument.
There are occasional lapses in clarity due to grammatical errors, which slightly detract from the
effectiveness of the argument.
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Coherence and Cohesion: Band 6
Strengths:
The essay is logically structured with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Linking phrases like "In my view," "besides," "to sum up," and "then" are used to connect ideas.
Areas for Improvement:
Cohesion could be improved with more precise linking devices. For example, “besides” and “thus” are
used awkwardly or inaccurately.
Some transitions between ideas are abrupt. For instance, the paragraph on illnesses doesn’t link
smoothly to the earlier discussion of mental and physical benefits.
Repetition of points about physical activity affecting both the mind and body makes the essay slightly
redundant.
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Lexical Resource: Band 6
Strengths:
The essay includes topic-related vocabulary such as "physical activity," "stress and anxiety," "team
sports," "collaboration," and "healthy society."
There is some variety in word choice, like "vulnerability of the population" and "obligatory."
Areas for Improvement:
Word choice is occasionally imprecise or awkward (e.g., "they will satisfy with their physic" should be
"they will be satisfied with their physique").
Some words are repetitive (e.g., "physical activity," "healthy," "children"), and synonyms could enhance
lexical variety.
Misuse of certain terms, such as “assay” instead of “essay,” detracts from the overall impression.
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Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Band 5.5
Strengths:
The essay includes a variety of sentence structures, including complex ones (e.g., "sports teach working
as a team and collaboration that is very useful for them and their future").
Attempts at using conditional sentences and relative clauses are evident.
Areas for Improvement:
Frequent grammatical errors reduce clarity:
Subject-verb agreement: "their mindset become" → "their mindset becomes."
Incorrect prepositions: "satisfy with their physic" → "satisfied with their physique."
Articles: Missing or incorrect articles (e.g., “with popularity of virtual world” → “with the popularity of
the virtual world”).
Sentence fragments or run-ons: "besides, sports help children have a healthy body subsequently, they
will satisfy with their physic" should be split into two sentences.
Punctuation errors are common, such as missing commas in complex sentences.
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Recommendations for Improvement
1. Task response:
Develop ideas with examples or evidence. For instance, mention studies showing the mental health
benefits of physical activity or examples of successful school sports programs.
Avoid repetitive points and focus on elaborating on different aspects of the argument (e.g., teamwork
skills, long-term societal benefits).
2. Coherence and Cohesion:
Use a wider variety of linking phrases and ensure logical transitions between paragraphs. For example,
use “In addition to mental benefits” to connect ideas about stress relief and teamwork.
Avoid abrupt topic shifts by introducing ideas more gradually.
3. Lexical Resource:
Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms for common terms like "healthy" (e.g., “fit,” “well-balanced”)
and "children" (e.g., “youngsters,” “students”).
Avoid informal expressions like "Absolutely, I agree." Use more academic phrases such as "I strongly
agree."
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
Review subject-verb agreement and article usage to minimize errors.
Practice using correct punctuation, especially in complex and compound sentences.
Focus on sentence clarity by splitting run-on sentences into shorter, grammatically accurate ones.
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Grammatical and Lexical Errors with Suggestions
With popularity of virtual world with the popularity of the virtual world
Very few do outside activitiesvery few participate in outdoor activities
Their mindset become more active their mindset becomes more active
They will satisfy with their physic they will be satisfied with their physique
A lot of plan for children many plans for children
Illness diminish with grow age illness diminish as people age
