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Lighthouse Publishers, Inc.
ISBN 0-9667480-5-0
U.S. $14.95

VIS

nhmacy
Brenton & Margaret
YORGASON

Achievingtrue intimacy with another per-

sona universally
is sought-after desire. Nor is
it confined to the sexuallyintimate exchange.
Rather, it is the multifaceted compelling pas-
sion
betoemotionallylinked to, or connected
with, another person.
With a refreshingand easy-to-understand
approach, authors Brenton and Margaret
Yorgasonexplorethe evolvingmagic of love in
chapters one and two. They then present the
flip-sideof the coin as they exposethe eroding
processesof relationship disintegration in the
poignant chapter three.
With this foundational contrast, the
authors present the five facetsof intimacy they
have discovered in meaningful, lasting rela-
tionships.
include
Theseverbal, nonverbal,
sexual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.
Upon close examination, the authors provide
concrete ways couples can improve their com-
munication,misunderstandings,
overcome
deepen their bonds, and finally ward off ele-
ments
intrusion
of that seek to destroy the
intimacy they have grown to cherish.
For singlesand marrieds from all walks of
life, this book is a must for relationship man-
agement
enhancement.
and Truly an edifying,
enlightening book filled with help and hope.
20 6 03
$4.
CHERISHED
MACY

BRENTON an J MARGARET
YORGASON
© 1998 Brenton G. and Margaret Yorgason

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any

form or by any means without express permission in writing from the
publisher, Lighthouse Publishers, Inc., 138 Corte Alta, Novato,
California 94949

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Yorgason, Brenton G., 1945-

Cherished Intimacy / by Brenton G. and Margaret Yorgason

ISBN 0-9667480-5-0

Printed in the United States of America

10 987654321
 CONTENTS

PART ONE
FOUNDATIONS OF INTIMACY

Chapter One: Of One Heart 1

Chapter Two: Becoming Authentic 13

PART TWO
ERODING THE FOUNDATION

Chapter Three: Marriage Meltdown 23

PART THREE
FACETS OF INTIMACY

Chapter Four: Verbal Intimacy 35

Chapter Five: Nonverbal Intimacy 51

Chapter Six: Sexual Intimacy 61

Chapter Seven: Emotional Intimacy 79

Chapter Eight: Spiritual Intimacy 99

#£?
B&
 PART ONE

Foundations of Intimacy
 1
Of One Heart

Marriage enlarges the scene of our happiness

and of our miseries. A marriage of love is pleasant, of
interest, easy, and where both meet, happy. A happy
marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendship, all the
enjoyments of sense and reason, and, indeed, all the
sweets of life.
Addison

INTRODUCTION

Our past three decades together have been filled with magic.
We have had challenges, but these have brought us closer as we have
worked through them. While at times stumbling in our efforts to
strengthen the bond of intimacy, we have experienced many more
moments of resounding joy.

1
 Much of our pivotal learning comes from our religious values.
Our orientation is the Judaic/Christian tradition, and we have invited
the Savior into our home as we have reared our family. We believe
spiritual intimacy is one of the vital facets of a happy marriage. We
now invite you, independent of your religious persuasion, to examine
our concepts and principles from your own perspective. We learned
them through experience, both in the trenches and from the mountain
heights. We supplement and confirm our experience with scientific
research.
This information will help many young couples as they begin
their journey together, as well as seasoned travelers as they continue
along this path.

For Singles and Marrieds Alike

We have not written this book solely for married people. We

have many friends and loved ones, who are not with the companion
of their dreams. They have either never married, have married and
are now divorced, or have experienced the death of their partner.
These single adults can and do experience facets of intimacy while
waiting for marriage to enjoy the sexual expression.

Intimacy Defined

Intimacy is unity or oneness—in mind, body, and

spirit—experienced by a man and woman for the purpose of making
the relationship last.
We chose the two words Cherished Intimacy for the title of
this book because of their combination of strength and
connectedness. They convey a sense of belonging and singleness of
purpose.
Considered separately, to be cherished implies something
that goes above and beyond love. A popular song goes something
like this: 'Cherish is the word that I use to describe. . .the feelings
that I have hiding here for you inside'. Webster defines cherish as
cto hold dear, to feel or show love for' . It comes from the Latin root
word cams, meaning dear or valued, and includes the foundational
concept of charity. In Christianity, charity is "the pure love of
Christ." It is the act of reaching out, lifting another, and desiring to
meet their needs.
Intimacy, by contrast, is a basic human need. We crave
intimacy. Just as food, water, clothing, and shelter are vital for
survival and growth, intimacy is necessary for emotional
development. Human beings have a need for familiarity and
closeness in associations, and intimacy is one of the core elements
that fulfills this need.

Diamonds Are Brilliant and Enduring

Like a brilliant diamond, intimacy is multi-faceted and can be

examined from many perspectives. Its greatest brilliance and luster
can best be enjoyed when surrounded by the utmost light.
Margaret states: "Ever since our college days when Brent
began selling diamonds part-time, he has had a fascination with this
beautiful stone. He purchased a diamond wholesale and eventually
slipped it onto my finger the night we became engaged. While he
insists that I may have been a bit blinded by the glitter of that nearly
flawless gem—since I quickly accepted the gift as a commitment from
my man—I accepted it eagerly!"
Brent adds: "What Margaret might be remembering is her
love for diamonds, and not for a smooth-talking country boy. Since
that night we have contemplated the beauty of the diamond and how
much we enjoyed turning it in the light."
Just as that diamond is multi-faceted and nearly flawless, a
marriage can become such. Even as diamonds are the consequences
of pressure and heat, so are intimate marriages.
Once a diamond is formed, it becomes nearly impenetrable.
Likewise, if a couple can achieve marital intimacy, very few outside
forces can chip or shatter the gem.
This Book fs Power

The three-fold purpose of this book is to examine the

foundation stones of intimacy, the potential eroding elements of this
foundation, and the compelling brilliance of the many facets of
intimacy.
While we come to this project with trepidation, we are on a
quest for truth. Rearing a family has tempered our ideals, and a
rigorous practicality has emerged.
Brent adds to the legacy of the first diamond he purchased.
"Several years ago, Margaret gave her diamond to our son, Aaron,
who was smitten with a beautiful young lady named Susan. Aaron's
intent was to give this diamond to Susan when they became engaged.
This mission was accomplished. They were later married; and now,
as parents of a beautiful baby daughter, they are discovering more
and more facets of intimacy in their marriage. The diamond on
Susan's left hand reflects in the sunlight and seems to shine more
brightly now than it did when I purchased it for the girl of my
dreams."

Our Central Theme

We now pass along to you principles of intimacy so that you

can more fully enjoy your intimate relationships. Benjamin Franklin
said that "time is the stuff life is made of." We suggest that
intimacy—true oneness—is the stuff a lasting relationship is made of
There is no substitute.

An Introductory Caution

The sexual scripts of intimate relationships are varied and of

a very personal nature. We place many of them on the table for
examination; however, as authors we feel that wise couples refrain
from discussing their intimate relations with others— other than
professional therapists, or ecclesiastical leaders, when one of the
partners feels dissatisfied.

Romantic Love— A Prelude

Creating intimacy is a process, not an event. A couple

passes milestones as they are falling in love—perhaps more
correctly—growing in love. This process includes romantic love.
There are many couples, especially those who have been
married for a long time, who think romantic love is superficial. This
is not true. Romantic love is a prelude to a lasting love. It is
doubtful that a couple is capable of feeling more than romantic love
at the time of marriage. Physical attraction, attended by ringing
bells and twitterpated hearts, is the fuel that ignites the fire of love
that burns down to become the coals and ambers of a sustained
glow. These coals and ambers can endure year after year—constant
and warm, and even intensifying in heat and light.
While romantic love is a prelude to lasting love, it can be
easily confused with false loves that can undermine permanent
relationships. These false loves are:
(1) falling in love with love,
(2) falling in love with being loved, and
(3) infatuation.

The first two of these are self-explanatory. Infatuation,

however, resembles romantic love—but only at first glance.
Infatuation tends to be more frequent among young adolescents in
their early teens. It tends to last a short time, and often takes place
soon after a previous involvement has ended.
Romantic love, however, brings new energy and ambition in
life, leads to a deeper love, and is accompanied by kindlier feelings
toward others in general. Unlike infatuation, it usually takes root
slowly, and grows with time.
For purposes of this discussion, romantic love leads to a
lasting love, but is not left behind. It continues as intimacy deepens.
3

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 When you sit with a nice girl for two
hours, you think it's only a minute. But when
you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's
two hours. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Lasting Love

All true love is founded on sensitivity, trust, respect, and

concern for your partner. In all respects, your concern should equal
your concern for your self
Once this foundation is laid, caring enables a couple to
express their deepening feelings. It allows them to deepen their
sexual, emotional, and spiritual expressions. In turn, these
expressions create and sustain a couple's unity.
Realistically, the frequency of tender utterances abate during
the years of child-rearing. This is natural. Fortunately, greater focus
and energy can be given once the children leave the nest. Couples
experience rejuvenation that remains for life.

Keep Fanning the Fires

We have found that those couples who continue to court

succeed at keeping the fires of romance burning better than those
who submit to reality. Consistent courting is a proven method of
nurturing intimacy. This includes a dating schedule, a light-your-fire
mentality, and continual romantic gestures.
Couples of one heart share every aspect of their lives. They
are concerned and want to know at the end of the day what their
spouse did that day, and how she or he is feeling about life in general.
Even though they have separate experiences and interests, they long
to be with each other.
 With this in mind, a wife who is not a sports fan will attend
a ball game with her husband. She is not only rooting for his team,
but is cheering for him. Likewise, a husband can develop his cultural
side by taking his wife to an orchestra performance that she really
wants to attend. A couple's varied interests may separate them at
times, but by periodically sharing activities, they can be drawn
together.

Lasting Love Invites Charity

From ancient Christians, especially the apostle Paul, we learn

that charity involves three central themes. These are (1) that we
should be more concerned about our partner than ourselves; (2) that
we should be patient with ourselves, as well as with our partner; and
(3) that we should be pure in our desires as well as in the way we
treat our partner.
As mentioned above, deeper than romantic love is concern
that focuses primarily on the needs and desires of our partner.
Marriages in which partners focus on themselves, are those with the
superficial and erosion-prone foundation of SELFISHNESS. When
selfishness exists, partners compete with each other, rather than
cooperate, while their needs for intimacy go unfulfilled.
A friend explains it this way:

/ think that our ideas of what love is change with the

passing of time. I have found that love is being able to place
someone else 's feelings, comforts, and needs above my own.
When I have given that kind of love and support unselfishly, I
have been able to realize that I also helped myself, even though
at the time I didn 7 think I was. At the time I thought I wanted
something else for myself.
The most difficult thing my husband and I have ever had
to deal with was having our precious daughter killed in a
highway accident. We both felt that we had been scalded to our
very souls; we were hurt as deeply as it will ever be possible to
be hurt.

8
 When it happened I just wanted to go to my bedroom;
go to bed and lie there alone in the dark and die as soon as
possible. But I had to think of my husband and our remaining
son. He was eleven years old at the time, just six years younger
than his sister, and had enjoyed a remarkably close
relationship with her.
For months afterwards, I had to force myself to get up
and get dressed, put on some makeup, clean the house, and talk
about something else. I fixed the meals as I always had. I
walked and talked while I was dying inside. I never had it off
my mind more than thirty seconds, yet I knew if I failed my
husband and son at that point, it might ruin our family and
make it much harder for them.
I am sure that for my own welfare it was best that I kept
moving and working and trying to find something else to talk
about with the two remaining members of my family. I know
that if I had not had them, I would have given up and perhaps
died or gone insane, and so I now see that I really helped
myself by loving them so much that I put them first. Little did
I realize that they were both doing the same for me. As a
result, we all learned that truly loving someone is giving of
oneself and caring first for the welfare of another.

This type of charitable love, even in the face of extreme

hardship, welded this family unit together. This woman displayed
maturity which helped both her husband and their remaining child.
It takes courage to look beyond one's self. Such maturity is closely
linked with charity.

The Precious Gift of Humility

When two individuals first wed, there is nearly always an

obvious effort by both to care for their partner. Selfishness is
nowhere to be found. For all too many, however, the honeymoon
fades quickly. People revert to old habits like finding fault and
criticizing. These are the sure-fire symptoms of pride.
 Sense shines with a double luster when it
is set in humility. An able and yet humble man
is a jewel worth a kingdom,
William Penn

When married partners remain humble, they foster other

qualities. Among these are:

- The desire to serve

- A soft and gentle nature
- The propensity to be honest
- A willingness to listen, then adjust
- The ability to compromise, even when right
- A desire to share feelings, for it is safe to do so

The Gift of Patience

Happy is the person whose partner has developed patience!

Such a person is not easily provoked to anger. They have peace-
filled thoughts, even when difficulties arise. They are quick to
forgive and forget when their partner behaves selfishly. They bear
burdens that are not theirs.

Patience! Why, it is the soul of peace. Of all

the virtues, it is nearest kin to heaven. It makes
men look like gods.
Decker

10
 All lasting relationships are a result of patient collaboration.
This involves varying degrees of suffering. Suffering, if borne with
patience, produces growth. But to suffer does not mean to merely
endure. According to Webster, it means "to allow; permit; tolerate."
If you want to nurture intimacy, the cost is suffering. Patience
enables you to pay the price without becoming resentful.

Expressing Thanks

As two people court, they consciously seek behaviors that the

other will find attractive. One behavior is especially
effective—constantly expressing gratitude for your partner's kindness.
One of our dearest friends, Sheila, shares of her husband:

One of the thoughtful things David does is to constantly

tell me of his love and appreciation. He tells me he loves me
every day.
David has never forgotten to thank me for fixing his
meal, even when it 's been a sandwich and a glass of milk. With
that kind of thoughtfulness, he rarely gets just a sandwich. I
feel like he deserves the best, so whatever it is, I try to make it
very special. After all, what I do will be appreciated because
he tells me so!

CONCLUSION

Being "of one heart" is the goal of every couple as they fall
in love. Two hearts begin to beat as one, creating an invigorating
rhythm. Couples feel physical attraction to each other when this
happens. They experience romantic love that is invigorating and
purposeful. Romantic love, if nurtured, deepens into meaningful,
charitable love. Charity can be detected in yourself if you exercise
humility and patience in your intimate relationship. You reinforce
intimacy and quietly invite your partner to do the same by
expressing gratitude. Finally, charity is the sure foundation on
which a lasting marriage is built.

11
 2
Becoming Authentic

Kindness in women, not their

beauteous looks, shall win my love.

Shakespeare

Captivating with Kindness

The lasting impact of charitable acts of kindness cannot be

overstated. These acts become deposits in an emotional investment
account, security against the difficulties ahead. Recent research has
underscored the benefits of being kind within the family. Kindness
invites trust, sharing, and love. Kindness also provides direct
benefits. It fills the mind and heart with peace, which in turn
stabilizes character in the face of relentless change.

13
 The best portion of a good man 's life is his little,
nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.
Wordsworth

Eliminating Uncharitable Acts

As effective as charitable service is, it is not adequate by

itself to foster intimacy. You must eliminate uncharitable acts. This
can be tough. Uncharitable acts are often habits you no longer
control: angry outbursts, a scornful tone of voice, a disdainful facial
expression. You must become master of your bad habits by
changing them. You do this by teaching yourself to respond
differently when difficult moments arise. Otherwise, you become a
hypocrite, preaching but not practicing.

Rituals of Love

A sure way of deepening intimacy is to observe rituals.

These rituals include remembering and honoring each other's
birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's and Father's Day, Christmas,
Valentine's Day, and other special occasions. Doing something
special for your partner on these days allows them to feel loved, and
gives you added assurance as well.
It is wise to avoid the trap of measuring love with money.
One friend received a Valentine's Day letter that his wife crafted by
hand, and gave us permission to share it:

14
 DECLARA TION OF LOVE
valentine s Day

iwn unto all the world and the inhabitants 01 this

family that I dearly love Stan,
Not only on this given day 01 love, but lor all time and

Hereby signed and sealed with an holy kiss

mrbara

This declaration was written on parchment and sealed with

a lipstick kiss. Stan taped the scroll to the wall above his computer,
just below his favorite photo of Barbara. He never tires of reading
it.
Margaret concludes this topic with a thought that puts this
ritual, along with others, into proper perspective:
"I not only enjoy doing things for Brent, but I appreciate his
acts of kindness in return. There is nothing that enters a woman's
heart so quickly as a token—like an unexpected phone call in the
middle of the day—that lets her know she is treasured by her lover
and sweetheart. It makes the day brighter, and infuses energy into
her own desire to remember him. Just as well-prepared food is the
best way to a man's heart, so are well-prepared rituals the best way
to a woman's heart!"
Feeling a need for equal time, Brent adds: "While I deeply
appreciate Margaret's expression of what I do for her, these acts
pale in comparison to what she does for me. Even though she
spends her days orchestrating a very complex home and family
system, still she remains aware of my needs. I'm not even close to
being that sensitive when it comes to serving her."

Serving Your Partner As Your Theme

A theme is an idea so important that it is repeated over and

over. If you make "serving your partner" your theme and your

15
priority, you will achieve intimacy.
Almost always, a woman has a more natural inclination
toward nurturing than does her husband. In too many relationships,
both partners have the same person as their theme— the man! This
pattern does not need to perpetuate itself, however. As time passes,
both partners need to feel cherished— to feel like they are each
other's theme. While women serve more naturally, men need to
follow suit and consider their partner's needs over their own.
On a recent flight to Portland, Brent sat next to two very
special ladies—Julie and Susan. They were returning from a
convention in Atlanta, and were in good spirits. When Brent
pressed them in conversation to learn why they were so giddy, Julie
blurted, "Because we're not with our husbands!"
This comment elicited conversation, and before long both
Julie and Susan were revealing a lack of joy in their respective
relationships. Inquiring further, Brent asked them what they each
wanted from their husbands. Julie exclaimed, "To be respected!"
Susan quickly added, "To be cherished!" These comments reflected
reality, and while both of these women were committed to making
their marriages work, each revealed a lack of intimacy and
warmth—and neither seemed to have a husband who had them as his
theme!
Sadly, society communicates that a real man's theme is
sports. A real man's priority is to play sports when young, and to
be an avid spectator after he stops playing. However, those rare
men who put their partners first see miracles happen. They lead
fuller, richer lives. So do their partners.
A man can put his partner first by washing her car,
vacuuming the floor, and running errands before he tries to meet his
own needs. Of all the principles in this book, making your partner
your theme is one of the very most important.

Character Paradigm of Intimacy

During his years of counseling and teaching Family Science

courses at a university, Brent developed a model for intimacy. This

16
model suggests that if couples want to experience joy, they must
labor together to build a structure that can sustain it. Removal of
any of the building blocks in the structure causes the whole thing to
collapse.
As you examine this model, do so with the understanding
that character is defined as internalized moral strength—the ability
to sustain a decision long after the emotion of making the decision
has passed. It encompasses the entire model, and is a prerequisite to
its components.

PARADIGM
OF
CHARACTERED INTIMACY

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Components of Character

Conscience-driven discipline is the willpower to make

correct choices. These choices are made because of an "inner
voice," or conscience, that encourages goodness. For Christians,

17
the desire to be good is called having the light of Christ. For others,
it is the propensity to be good. It is the foundation necessary for
authenticity, or integrity, to exist.
Personal authenticity, or being true to one's values, can
include things like abstaining from Internet pornography, being
truthful in business, filing an accurate tax return, etc. This type of
authenticity is private, yet ripples out to impact every part of life.
Relational authenticity, by contrast, is a person's
commitment to be true to their partner. This includes refraining
from flirting, dating, and other illicit activities. One has but to look
at Bill Clinton's agony to perceive the consequences of relational
inauthenticity.
Having these authenticity building blocks in place allows for
trust and mutual respect to emerge, which in turn enables love. The
structure, or process, culminates in intimacy and joy.

Joining Two Different Scripts

As a person matures, they accumulate habits—ways to

become comfortable in doing things. These accumulations of habits
and biases are scripts. There is one script per person. Among the
many habits comprising a script include the manner of handling
one's finances, the ways they interact with a partner, the way they
define sexual intimacy, and so forth.
Two people forming a permanent relationship must find a
way to blend their scripts. Merging scripts usually occurs
unconsciously. Making them conscious can help a couple spot and
solve points of conflict. During problem-solving, a person cannot
assume their script is more important than their partner's. The
scripts are blended with accommodation, compromise, empathy, and
charity. Sometimes, a person must simply choose to not be selfish!
If a couple is truly in love, they will validate and sustain their
partner's scripts where those scripts do not undermine the
relationship.

18
Increasing Love through Service

We recently met a couple from California—Darryl and Susie

Root. Darryl is in his second marriage, and is very much in love
with his wife of three years. He shared a poem with us that he had
written to Susie while they were dating. With their permission, we
include the final verse:

Ode to Susie

I see a rose drink up the morning dew,

So thirsty, this breathtaking, striving flower.
I see you as this rose, and I the dew.
Drink of my love—
Thirst not, for I now have plenty.
Open your petals for all to see;
Show how beautiful you and I can be.

Reflecting on this beautiful expression of Darryl for his

sweetheart, Susie, we see giving and receiving, and longing and
believing. It is a statement that speaks volumes for how intimacy is
achieved.

AND NOW, A NECESSARY TRANSITION

Reality intrudes in every intimate relationship. If you can

spot the intrusions, you can better deal with them. The following
chapter in Part Two discusses the flip side of marriage. It examines
cancers that, if allowed to grow, eat away at the intimacy foundation
of even the healthiest relationship.
As you read this chapter, use it to evaluate and discuss any
negative trends in your relationship. Then correct your course so
you both can regain the intimacy you once shared.

19
 PART TWO

Eroding the Foundation

 3
Marriage Meltdown

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to

waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has
been robbed The fact is, most putts donft drop, most beef
is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most jobs
are often more dull than otherwise, and most successful
marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration.
Life is like an old-time rail journey— delays, side-
tracks, smoke, dust cinders, and jolts. These are interspersed
only occasionally with beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts
of speed The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you take
the ride.
Gordon B. Hinckley

If two people are in love when they marry, and if both

remain true to their shared values, there never needs to be a divorce.
Without exception, each divorcing couple we have known well has

23
fallen into at least one of these two categories. One or both partners
were not in love, and/or one or both partners were untrue to their
shared values. Frequently this is a small compromise, but it can also
include a major moral betrayal. It can also include incurring
unnecessary debt, dishonest business dealings, consuming illicit
drugs or alcohol, or simply a change in personal, preferred lifestyle.
Such a change might include a decline in faith which is manifest by
no longer praying, not attending church services, or not living
according to a couple's shared beliefs.

The Risk of Re-Writing History

The hazard—and tendency—of many who consider divorce

is to re-write history, particularly their feelings toward their partner.
More often than not, the person seeking divorce rationalizes the
decision. They say, "I never loved him in the first place," or "She
only enjoyed intimacy when I insisted." We could list endless such
justifications; but that isn't necessary if you are aware of the blaming
trap. Blaming usually spins a person out of control.

Cancerous Negative Lists

Any marriage partner can create a negative list long enough

to justify divorce. It has been our experience that once a negative
attitude about a person is locked in someone's mind, cancer begins
to form. If this negative attitude is not appropriately dealt with, it
will boil beneath the surface. When it accumulates enough negative
energy, it will eventually boil over in rage, or hysteria, a state of
being where intense emotion dictates one's behavior.

Disastrous Rage, or Hysteria

When negative lists first reveal themselves, they almost

always do so in an emotionally-charged verbal exchange. In
marriage, negative energy piles up until it triggers a physiological
response. Blood pressure rises.

24
 As couples, we should not try to
resolve differences when hysterical, or
upset

When blood pressure goes up, a person enters the emotion-

filled state of hysteria. While everyone finds themselves in this state,
at times, the danger rises when a person does so regularly. Once a
pattern of getting upset is established, a person may become
chronically hysterical— consumed with the spirit of anger.
Hysteria, or rage, affects things all the way down to the
cellular level. Gradually the cells become accustomed to increased
levels of adrenaline and hormones. Just as with drug and alcohol
addictions, hysteria becomes easier and easier to enter.

Once a hysterical pattern is established in a

relationship, it develops a hair trigger.

Hysteria, or anger, begins to color how a person thinks

about their partner and their marriage. This person begins to react
to what their partner says and does with a certain fear and distrust.
Once a person enters this negative state, judgmental thoughts and
feelings pervade. If this pattern is allowed to progress into a chronic
state, the relationship is in serious jeopardy.
In stable marriages, however, couples make so many
deposits into the emotional bank account that when an unsettling
moment takes place, it passes quickly and without long-term,
negative consequences. Each partner sees the incident as isolated
and short-lived, and not a part of the marriage fabric.
If you find yourself becoming frequently upset in your

25
relationship, change your response to what your partner may say.
Instead of trying to get your word in to justify your position, make
the time-out sign with your hands. Have this signal pre-arranged so
that no offense will be taken by either of you. Then leave the room,
allow a few moments for your blood pressure to return to its normal
state, and return to discuss the conflict in a peace-filled
environment. Be willing to talk, rather than simply giving the silent
treatment.

The Error of Attributing Motives Falsely

Each of us makes an error at times in our lives. It is the

error of wrongly attributing another person's motives to be selfish
or impure. In marriage, we begin to assume that our partner says
and does things for what they can selfishly get in the relationship,
rather than for what they can give.
This condition takes place when past behavior of one partner
is monitored by the other, then judged to be less than honorable.
Suspicions arise, mistrust enters in, and the error of falsely
attributing motives takes place. The partner who feels victimized
then begins to make the even larger error of attributing selfish or
impure motives to all their partner's behaviors.

With malice toward none; with charity for

all . .let us strive on to finish the work we are in.

Abraham Lincoln

The solution, although easily stated, is difficult to implement

once a negative pattern has been established. This solution is to
accept the statement or behavior of your partner at face value. It is
true that trust and respect must be earned, but having a forgiving

26
heart is also necessary if your relationship is going to prosper.
There are instances where one partner—usually the one who
sees themselves as the victim—begins to assume the role of their
spouse's conscience. Once this happens, a vertical relationship
begins to form, and neither partner can indefinitely live in such a
condition. Only an equal, bilateral relationship can last.
Viable marriages are those where the partners make a
concerted effort to cut each other slack, and refrain from becoming
judgmental when the other misfires. Marriage is the one relationship
where partners must not assume the role of defining and directing
the behavior of the other. This is not to say that honest exchanges
shouldn't take place; they should. But blaming the situation, while
leaving your partner's self-esteem intact, is the best remedy.

Four Degenerative Divorce Facilitators

John Gottman, in his book, WhyMarriages Succeed or Fail

(Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994, pp. 72-97), discusses four
stages that lead to relationship failure. Gottman refers to these
stages as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." They are:
One: Moving from normal complaining to criticizing.
Two: Developing contempt toward a partner.
Three: Becoming defensive in verbal and non-verbal
exchanges.
Four: Incorporating stonewalling techniques to protect
one's self from a partner's wrath.
Let's examine these debilitating forces one at a time.

Stage One: From Complaining to Criticizing

Lodging an occasional complaint about one's partner is

understandable—even desirable. No couple lives in a vacuum where
each partner has all of their expectations met. Complaints help
bridge the gap between expectations and reality.
Unfortunately, most couples do not stop at constructive

27
complaints. They begin to attack their partner personally. They
belittle their spouse, attacking their personality rather than merely
a specific behavior. Adding injury to insult, the attack usually
blames the partner for the couple's suffering.
As Gottman says (p. 74), "trouble begins if you feel that your
complaints go unheeded (or if you never clearly express them) and
your spouse just repeats the offending habits. Over time, it becomes
more and more likely that your complaints will pick up steam. With
each successive complaint, you're likely to throw in your inventory
of prior, unresolved grievances. Eventually you begin blaming your
partner and being critical of his or her personality rather than of a
specific deed. Or, if you have been stifling your complaints, they
may one day explode in a barrage of criticism."

Stage Two: Moving from Being Critical to Having Contempt

Once criticism becomes the mode of interaction, partners

become opponents. When this occurs, one partner (perhaps both)
will begin to view themselves and their issues as the only relevant
ones. They lose respect for their partner, and begin to establish a
vertical relationship. No longer do they perceive themselves as
being equal. They now see themselves as being superior, with
greater insight, judgment and perspective. Contempt soon emerges.
Once vertical positioning occurs, the contemptuous partner
will have full intent to insult and psychologically abuse their partner.
As Gottman (pp. 80-81) points out, the following signs of contempt
reveal themselves at this time:
1. Barbs, insults, and name-calling are thrown at the partner.
These would include words such as jerk, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, etc.
2. Humor becomes hostile. While on the surface quite
clever, these public and/or private innuendos are very hurtful for the
intended spouse, and further escalates the theme of contempt.
3. Mocking the partner when a compliment is extended.
4. Body language changes. Most obvious is the swift
changes of the facial muscles. These include rolling the eyes,
sneering, and curling the upper lip.

28
Stage Three: Defensiveness, the Swift Response to Contempt

As contempt becomes the order of the day, a couple will

begin to respond to each other's contemptuous comments by
becoming defensive. They now feel victimized, seeing their partner
as the one at fault for the existing problem.
The following defensive patterns are evident in this third
phase of marriage meltdown (Gottman, pp. 85-89):
1. Spouses begin to deny any responsibility, or blame, for
what is transpiring.
2. When darts of blame are fired at a partner, that person
makes the defensive maneuver of making excuses for what might
have transpired.
3 . Negative mind-reading is responded to with defensive-
ness.
partner
A begins to read their spouse's mind (or at least they
think they do). This triggers defensiveness.
4. Cross-complaining. When a person is criticized, they
totally ignore the comment, then lodge an immediate complaint of
their own.
5. Rubber Man/Rubber Woman. In this pattern, a criticism
bounces off the receiving partner by throwing the blame back to the
initially criticizing spouse.
6. "Yes-Butting." In this pattern, a criticized spouse starts
off by agreeing, then ends up disagreeing with what was originally
said.
7. Repeating the Defensive Reply. When criticized, a
spouse repeats their position again and again and again. While
getting nowhere, this broken record reply is used often when
arguing.
8. Whining. A reply focusing on how something is defend-
ed, rather
than on the words, themselves.
9. Body Language. Whether shifting the body, the false
smile, or folding the arms across the chest, this defense is very often
used, and easily understood.

29
Stage Four: Stonewalling As a Last Resort

A person becomes exhausted by criticisms, contemptuous

attacks, and responding defensively. When this happens, they
eventually stop responding in any way to the accusing spouse. In
essence, they build a wall of protection around themselves, steeling
their mind and heart against the perceived threats.
When a couple reaches the point of stonewalling, it is often
too late to save the relationship.
The hazard of making this statement is that all couples, at
times, participate in stonewalling. It is when stonewalling becomes
the chronic response that relationships seem irretrievable.
Couples finding themselves in this critical phase should make
every effort to obtain professional help so that their marriage can be
saved.

Additional Issues to Consider

Carrying Guilt without Cause

More often than not, a person is their own worst critic.

When something in life goes bad—and it most assuredly will if one
lives long enough—a person is wise to deal with it, then put it behind
them. Often during these moments of misfiring—whether they be of
a personal nature or within a relationship—the tendency is to carry
unnecessary guilt from the experience, whether a person has been at
fault, or not. Carrying guilt from the past limits a person's ability to
experience intimacy in the present.

30
 Although our minds do not have the capacity
to directly change how we FEEL, we do have the
capacity to change our THOUGHTS. Once this
happens, our feelings change as a matter of course.

While certainly accepting responsibility for what a person

participates in, or has influence over, that person must learn to
forgive themselves at the same time they forgive their partner.
Because a person can't control their feelings about a given situation,
they must learn to play mental tapes of forgiveness. That is, they
change their thoughts. Once this is done, feelings change from guilt
to resolution— from doubts and fears to hope and faith.

Losing the Will to Continue

Within a wounded marriage, couples often degenerate from

holy wedlock to unholy deadlock. Once a couple sinks into the
quagmire of a decaying relationship, they lose the will to continue
investing in the relationship. Persons who give up at this point do
so at great expense to their self-worth.
While there is a flood of short-term relationships in today's
society, such early and often casual bailout is at times justified.
Divorce is justified when (a) abuse is taking place, and will not stop,
and/or (b) when one partner persists in violating the mutually shared
values of the couple.
In considering an abusive marriage relationship, the victim
should never allow a first-time occurrence to continue. Because of
the power of the brain to transmit information through the nervous
system to the cells, a habit can be learned (and remembered by the
cells) by experiencing an event only one time. It does not take
repeated abusive experiences for an abusing spouse to "develop a
habit" to repeat such abuse. This is why physical abuse, once
administered, is so much easier to repeat— and is repeated with
increasingly harmless issues.

31
 CONCLUSION

The agonizing process of observing a once thriving marriage

spin out of control is becoming all too common. More and more,
we are living in an easy in/easy out marriage society. As
authors— and as one couple who understands the perils and pitfalls
of parenting, marriage, and life—we suggest that divorce need never
take place.
This sweeping statement is made on the premise that
repenting and forgiving can occur. Even more severe, abusive and
controlling behaviors, as well as violations of the marriage vows,
can be worked through and made whole. Humility, a desire to
change, and a forgiving spouse, all factor in to the equation of
saving a marriage in peril.
Reconsider marital issues you may have swept under the rug
and left unattended. These issues, while not easy to detect beneath
the rug, can become an agitating clump of dirt that scars the marital
floor.
If you are struggling in any of the areas discussed in this
chapter, seek help! You don't have to live in an abusive, destructive
marriage. Change can and does take place in struggling homes, and
in counseling centers, every day of the year. Unconditional love and
forgiveness can occur when an errant partner chooses to humble
themselves and seek help. A MARRIAGE CAN RESTORE
ITSELF!

32
 PART THREE

Facets of Intimacy
 4
Verbal Intimacy

Wise sayings often fall on barren ground;

but a kind word is never thrown away.
Sir Arthur Helps

A Trip into Yesteryear

In beginning Part Three, we invite you to sit back and relax,

and take a journey into eighteenth century western America. It
proves a point as well as provides a rest from the myriad concepts
shared in the last chapter. Enjoy!

The time is the late 1800s, the place is a newly constructed

meetinghouse in the newly-populated western frontier village, Fort
Ephraim. The setting is the wedding ceremony for two young
Swedish immigrants performed by an aged minister who barely
speaks English, but who is doing his best to capture the appropriate

35
spirit for this occasion.
"Ladies undt gentlemen. ..."
His plow-calloused hands caressing the white pine finish of the
new pulpit, the minister surveyed the congregation with satisfaction
and pride. Even to the three-sided galleries, the new meetinghouse
was filled to overflowing.
Since 1854, Fort Ephraim had protected the colonizers. Its
inhabitants— men, women, children, dugouts, covered wagons,
corrals, chicken coops, chickens, a church and a school, were walled
up in a rock enclosure. At night, flocks and herds were driven into
the fort for protection.
Having made their first excursions out of the protection of the
fort to build this house of worship, the people were grateful to have
what seemed an oasis for body and soul.
Here it was that the great events of life were celebrated. Today
the congregation had gathered for a wedding, and if the English
language suffered a few casualties with the Scandinavian minister,
worse things had happened.
"Ladies undt gentlemen," the reverend began, "Ve air
accumulated here today to behold von of da most sacred ordinances
it is within our power to do. Ve has before us da vedding ceremony
of Yon Yacob Yorgensen and Helena Sophina Turkelsen. . . .
"You young people up dere in the gallery!" the minister suddenly
interrupted. "You vill please to produce no noise!
"Now," he resumed, "if da congregation vill please come to
attention, Yon Yacob and Helena Sophina, you vill please come up
hereto dis pulpit."
"Now, Yon Yacob Yorgensen, please take Helena Sophina
Turkelsen by da right hand. No, not shake hands, yust hold hands!
"So now," he continued, "before dis congregation, and before all
da holy angels, do you Yon Yacob take Helena Sophina for your
vife? Do you promise dat you vill be a good, kind, loving and
attentive husband? You say you vill?
"Ladies undt gentlemen, he say he vill.
"And now, Helena Sophina Turkelsen. . .yust keep hold of da
hand! Do you promise dat you vill take Yon Yacob Yorgensen for

36
your husband and dat you vill be a good, kind, and loving vife vhen
he is sick, veil or hard to get along vith? You say you vill? Ladies
undt gentlemen, she say she vill.
"So now, if dere is anyone in dis congregation dat has any
obyections to dis ceremony, vill you now speak up or forever shut
up and mind your own business?"
Looking around, the minister was relieved that no protestations
had been made.
"Dere being no obyections," he continued, "so now do I, da duly
constituted minister, before dis congregation and before da holy
angels—undt vith all da authority I has under my vest—pronounce
you father and mother". (True account adapted from Grace Johnson
account in the Fort Ephraim Messenger-Enterprise, Inc., 1973, pp.
32-33.)

It is probable that these instructions were the only ones given to

these young newlyweds. It is likely too that, after a day or so
honeymooning, this couple began to toil sixteen to eighteen hours
a day in an attempt to support their new family. It is also
conceivable that over the years they fell into the habit of seldom
articulating their feelings about their marriage, let alone reading and
learning how to improve their relationship with each other.

Evolving into a High-Expectations Society

Much has taken place during the hundred-plus years since this
couple was naively pronounced "father and mother"—and within the
passing of these years a society has evolved wherein couples can and
ofttimes must talk about aspects of marriage as well as their
expectations about achieving true intimacy with their partner.
Contrast the standard marriage beginnings of yesteryear with the
thoughts shared by a modern woman. She reflects on her
experience with marital intimacy and the crucial role of sharing
feelings and expectations:

37
 There are several reasons why our marriage, as well
as the quality within our marriage, is so good. The first is that
we have been open in talking about our feelings, frustrations,
what we like and don 7 like, etc. At first it was not easy for me
to be so open; but through continually trying, patience,
understanding, and time, it has become easier. Now, after
almost thirty years, it is just second nature to me.
Another reason is that my dear husband has always,
without exception, been very thoughtful about my feelings.
From our first night together, he has let my feelings be the
determining factor; and from that first night I have felt that I
could honestly express my feelings. Because he has been so
thoughtful of me, it has created a healthy cycle. I try harder to
please him, and he tries harder to be considerate of me. The
sexual part of our marriage has perpetuated itself, so to speak,
because of our desire to please and help each other.
A third reason we have had such success is
because of a little gimmick we adopted somewhere along the
line which we call "donation. " If Vm not as interested in
closeness, then I can be as passive as I feel like being during
our moment of intimacy—and this response (or lack of it)
doesn 't create threatening feelings inside of him. Often it can
start out with me being passive, but it doesn 't always end that
way. Because of his gentle, loving manner, I end up being as
involved as he is. And too, there are times when my husband is
the passive partner, and where he responds to my needs for an
intimate expression of my love for him.

While this example centers around physical intimacy, it also

demonstrates the crucial nature of verbal intimacy—being able to
effectively communicate with one's partner.
Another couple illustrates the importance of sharing feelings to
increase the intimacy in their marriage:

38
 Number one, we talk! We are very open about what we are
feeling, both emotionally and physically. We have always tried
to communicate in our marriage, and we feel it is vitally
important. If we haven 7 had answers and solutions on our
own, we have sought professional help from doctors and
counselors. It is so important to try and keep all questions
answered and problems worked out, and not to be afraid to seek
outside advice, if such advice is necessary.
Number two, we are accommodating! Let us explain why
this is important to us. Sometimes one of us is not in the mood
to express love, however the other has a need to be fulfilled.
This situation is not abused or taken unfair advantage of. It is
important to fill the needs of our partners any way we can,
whenever we can. It is also important for the partner in need
to be understanding of the accommodating partner by realizing
that this partner is giving unselfish love.
We have been married almost eighteen years, and we know
our marriage will continue to grow because we both work at it.

Though Storms Arise

Two people can't hope to live together without experiencing

life. Disappointments arise, bad decisions are made, children are
infused into the family system, and differences occur. That is not
the issue. The tragedy is that, when faced with inevitable difficulties,
one or both partners too often choose to turn away from their vows
and bolt from the relationship.
The following is one of our favorite poems, and sums up our
feelings—including a poetic self-proclaimed justification for writing
this book:

39
 CLOUD NINE
Why is it
whenever I reach for the sky
to climb aboard cloud nine,
it evaporates and rains
upon my dreams?
Is it a matter of fact,
that not even a cloud
with a silver lining
can hold the weight of our dreams
without some precipitation?
I think I 've found the answer
to this dilemma —
Keep on reaching for the sky,
but don 7forget your umbrella.
Susan Stephenson

Indeed, all couples have "umbrella moments" in their marriages.

Margaret remembers one such experience in ours:

In 1977, during the first semester of Brent's doctoral

studies, he learned about the principle of "sharing feelings"
within marriage. The idea of sharing feelings in a formal setting
seemed risky to him, even though he was sure that our marriage
did not need such mechanical instructions. After all, it had
seemed almost perfect during the first ten years of our being
together.
But as he left class that day, Brent decided he would
carefully select a moment to check out my feelings about what
he perceived to be a near-perfect relationship.
That evening, after our five children were successfully
tucked in bed, he indicated that he wanted to have a special
moment of sharing with me. We went into our family room,
prepared a roaring fire in the fireplace, turned on the stereo, and
then climbed confidently beneath the blanket on our sofa, each

40
unaware of the marvelous earth-shattering experience we would
have in the next hour.
Taking me into his arms, Brent held me briefly and silently.
Then, pulling back and looking into my eyes, he asked the
question he had learned that day in class. "Honey," he
whispered, "how do you feel about our marriage? Not what do
you think about it, because I know that. I am interested in
getting below the surface of your thoughts to explore your
feelings about us."
For a brief moment I looked at him, my mind reeling with
the impact of his question. I then did something that even I did
not anticipate, something Brent had already learned was mine
and every other woman's prerogative— to do the unexpected. I
clouded up in about ten seconds and began to rain tears that
turned into a torrential downpour. It is my memory (though it
may not have happened exactly like this) that Brent got up,
grabbed a bucket, and hurried and put it beneath my chin so the
sofa would not become sopping wet.
About ten minutes later, after what had seemed an eternity,
my tears gradually stopped. I then whispered my response.
"Brent, I'm so lonely! You are busy in your doctoral
studies, with your community work, and in spending endless
hours counseling others at the drop of a hat, not to mention the
time you spend reading and watching sports on television. But
I spend my life talking to children, doing dishes and loads of
wash, and changing diapers. I just can't take it anymore. I need
to know that you know I'm alive. I need you to talk to me!"
There, I had said it. Brent was stunned. I don't remember
the balance of our conversation, except for the conclusion.
Mustering strength, Brent announced the challenge his
instructor had given to his class earlier that day.
"Margaret," he sighed, "why don't we set aside some time
tomorrow night for sharing feelings? We can continue this
routine for as long as we need to."
I smiled appreciatively, knowing how difficult it was for
Brent to make such a commitment. I then agreed to his

41
 suggestion, and before I knew what was happening he whisked
me off to bed and to my dreams.
Little did 1 understand the fear in Brent's heart. He had no
idea what feelings we could talk about each night, even if it was
for only a few minutes! For me, however, the prospect of
getting to talk with him and actually share feelings each night
gave me more optimism than I can now describe. I'll have to
admit that I spent the next day wondering if we would actually
follow through with our commitment to each other. I shouldn't
have worried, however, for when 10:00 P.M. arrived, we were
nestled under our electric blanket facing each other with anxious
but determined smiles upon our faces.
That second sharing session was awkward, as was the third.
Gradually, though, we found that our time of expressing feelings
expanded to fill twenty minutes, then a full hour. We were both
amazed at how much there was to talk about once the initial
effort and commitment had been made. While our first
conversations were limited and sometimes superficial, over time
they became effortless and very pleasurable interchanges.

Brent remembers the events as they unfolded:

After a couple of weeks of our nightly conversations, we

changed the rules. We determined that from then on we would
respond to each other's desire to share feelings when the need
arose. Because Margaret is usually the one with the need to
share feelings and emotions, as opposed to my inclination to
watch another game, to wash the car, to turn on the computer,
to read another chapter in a book, or to just spend time with the
kids, she is usually the one who initiates discussion.
If Margaret has such a need, she searches me out. The rule
is that whatever I am doing, it is my responsibility to respond to
her need to talk. Usually when she finds me, I notice a rain
cloud gathering over her head, signaling her frame of mind.
Our agreement is that I stop whatever I am doing, make eye
and body contact, and make every effort to really listen as she

42
 expresses her feelings. She then takes whatever time she needs,
and if I have listened well I usually end the conversation by
rescuing her from a home filled with overpowering children. I've
found it absolutely amazing how much a little support and
energy on my part smooths out her temporary waters of despair.

Margaret found that verbally sharing feelings led to other

positive developments:

Even though both Brent and I are far from being perfect in
this area, our ability to talk has increased immeasurably since
that first rain-filled cloudburst. When we were newlyweds, we
communicated quite well, but as children came along we found
ourselves communicating less and less.
Falling into the vacuum of not speaking is a matter of natural
course as a couple sets up housekeeping and the division of
responsibility take place. Each partner becomes somewhat
consumed by his or her roles. But feelings are the substance of
a marriage, and if they are not shared a barrier is gradually
created. Now, however, when we share regularly, I find that my
feelings of frustration don't build up as they did before. I used
to let them stay inside until I felt as though I would pop like a
firecracker.
One of my favorite cartoons dealing with marriage is that of
a wife glaring at her husband while he slouches in his easy chair,
watching television. He states simply, T know we don't
communicate. That }sone of my few pleasures! ' I laugh at that
cartoon now, but there are days in our marriage when I honestly
feel like that lonely wife in the cartoon.
If I wait until I have a need to convey my feelings, then
we've waited too long, and it is already too late! Feelings need
to be expressed along life's highway, not waiting until we are
dying of thirst before we take that refreshing drink.
Not long ago we shared this experience with some friends
whose marriage has had difficult moments stemming from a very
difficult beginning. Upon hearing of our "umbrella day," she

43
 said: "You talk as though a little rain is a downpour. For us, it
has been one hurricane or cyclone or earthquake after another.
Now, as we look back over twenty years of such massive storms
of upheaval, we wonder if we have the energy or the ability to
pick up the pieces."

We understand that, like ourselves, some couples only

experience mild spring showers, while others weather torrential
downpours. It is miraculous that this couple, as well as others like
them, are still married. They have had many opportunities to be
blown away by hurricanes and cyclones of conflict. If you are one
of these couples, we commend you for weathering your storms and
for being emotionally strong enough at this time to examine the
quality of your marriage.
We have described a pivotal moment in our relationship with the
hope that you will be encouraged to make a commitment to share
your feelings with your companion. Perhaps reading and talking
about the ideas presented in these pages will seem a bit too risky.
But we believe that you will be pleasantly surprised at the results as
you begin to really talk with each other and share feelings.
These days most of our talk time deals with thoughts and things
that are happening all around us—everything from one child's dental
appointment, to another's grades, to the frozen pipe in the kitchen,
to the gas level in the car. Many of our conversations deal with the
surface issues it takes to keep a family going.
These areas of family management are vital to keep a marriage
running smoothly. But couples need to regularly dive below the
surface and share on the feeling level. Emotions are such a vital
part of life and of marriage. Without feelings, a marriage would be
like a black-and-white television. On the other hand, sharing
feelings brings color and depth to the marriage picture. While the
process may sound easy, it can take a concerted effort to risk and to
share, even with your closest friend, your marriage partner.
Each of us has brought different communicating techniques into
marriage— skills or behavior patterns we likely learned by the
example we had in our own homes as children. If your partner grew

44
up in a home where his or her parents did not often express
themselves, then you may feel as though you are pulling teeth to get
a response from that partner. While it is hard for Brent to admit it,
women are usually the "emotional managers" of a relationship. They
are therefore the ones who find themselves pulling the teeth. Most
men simply don't have the inclination to process a great deal of
feelings. But they still have the need in order for the couple to be
in touch and on the same emotional level.

Knowing When to Do What

Regarding the issue of timing, Margaret explains: "I have found

that timing is a vital aspect of communicating. For instance, when
Brent is watching a football game—especially if it is the San
Francisco 49ers, I can be certain that he will not appreciate a deep
sharing exchange with me. I try to be sensitive to the situation and
wait for a better time to unload my heart."
Learning to label your emotions, or feelings, is a crucial skill that
will allow you to be more expressive with your partner. You can
acquire this skill by learning to identify your feelings, consider the
words to describe them, and then share them with your partner.
Below is a list of feelings you can consider which will facilitate
the verbal intimacy in your marriage. They are in the form of direct
statements as well as metaphors:

DIRECT STATEMENTS
"I'm angry."
"I think I feel lonely tonight."
"I feel so excited that . . ."
"It is so depressing to . . ."
"I feel sad about. . ."
"Deep inside I have a feeling of. . ."

METAPHORS
"I feel like something the dog dragged in."
"I feel like I'm floating on a cloud."
"I feel like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders."

45
 "I'm tingling all over "
"I feel like I'm ten feet tall."

Creating Understanding

In learning to verbalize feelings, the objective is for your partner

to understand just what it is you are experiencing. One effective
way to communicate is to use "I" statements. These are very
different from "You" statements and "I-You" statements, and are
especially helpful when expressing negative feelings where a partner
is involved.
In the following three examples, consider how much better the
"I" statements reflect a healthy marriage:
I statement: "I'm furious."
I-You statement: "I'm furious and it's your fault."
You statement: "You've made me furious."

I statement: "I'm so angry with this mess that I could scream!"

I-You statement: "I'm so mad at what you've done I could tear
this place apart!"
You statement: 'You've ruined the whole evening with this mess!"

I statement: "I feel as though I'm useless and unimportant."

I-You statement. "It hurts me when you don't come home on time
or don't call."
You statement: "You don't even care about me, or how I feel."

It is obvious that the "I" statement has some strong advantages

over the other forms of verbal expressions. It very clearly identifies
your feelings, and it creates ownership. By using an "I" statement,
you communicate that the feeling exists and that it is inside you. It
is your feeling. The other great advantage of an "I" statement is that
it shows that you accept the responsibility for the emotion.
For your partner, hearing you express an "I" statement leaves
him or her undefensive and thus more able to learn about your
feeling. That in turn helps him or her better respond to it.
One skill we, as a couple, have attempted to incorporate in our

46
marriage is that when one of us is upset, we try to separate our
partner from the problem.
Margaret says: "Without wanting to appear ignorant, I've
always had the notion that if I had three checks left in my register,
that meant I had enough money to write out three more checks.
Not often, but once in a while, this understanding has backfired. If
Brent is upset with my overdrawn checkbook, he is careful to let me
know that he is upset with the situation and is not angry with me.
When my self-esteem is left intact, I can handle his comment
without feeling defensive. It also allows him the opportunity to
solve the problem by putting more money into my account. It
works every time!"
While smiling at the above scenario, Brent is quick to reply:
"Margaret has truly led out as the example in responding verbally to
unsettling moments. She also allows my self-esteem to remain intact
simply by blaming the situation rather than attacking me personally.
"An example of this took place not long ago when her car
stopped, unannounced, and she had to walk several blocks home in
a snowstorm. It was a 195 1 Dodge, a restored throw-back to my
first car in high school. She could have easily attacked me for not
having the carburetor repaired, or for having to drive the antiquated
car of my dreams. But she didn't. She simply announced that the
Dodge was stalled on a certain corner. She then stated her
frustration with not being home to have dinner ready, and said she
would be happy to help me tow it down to the service station.
"At that moment I felt a sense of added security in my role of
transportation provider, even though I had not done well in my
stewardship."

On the surface, every person might consider it ideal if they lived

in a world where only positive experiences and feelings existed.
Such an environment would not be conducive to growth and
progression, however. Each person must learn how to deal with
difficult situations and then how to come to grips with negative
experiences and feelings. Learning to verbally express these
negative feelings can actually become an art. While most people

47
will not gain Picasso-like perfection in their artistic endeavors, the
following guidelines can assist in achieving verbal intimacy:

Guidelines for Dealing with Negative Feelings

1. Is the "total environment" right? Check out the time of day,

distractions, noise, privacy, outside pressures in the home, and so
forth. In other words, mentally strategize the appropriate time and
place to express your feelings.
2. Ask yourself, "Am I in control?" Intense feelings may
interfere with what your objective should be. Therefore, if you feel
that you are too emotional to express your feelings, you may decide
to privately vent your intense feelings first so that when you do
express them to your partner, the results will be productive.
3. Ask yourself, "Is my partner in a mood to be receptive?" Is
your spouse defensive, preoccupied, tired, or overworked? Preface
your comments by asking: "Where are you now?" "Can I share a
feeling?"
4. Remember: Be careful, sensitive, and slow. Use tact, love,
and consideration as you share your feelings, and don't dump too
much negative data at one time. If your partner becomes less
receptive or defensive, wait until the proper mood can be recreated.
5. Be sure to include yourself in the problem. Almost all
problems that cause intense negative feelings between partners are
the result of interaction between them rather than from a single
partner's actions. Use "I" statements. The resolution of your
feelings will then almost magically take place.
6. Afterward, show an increase in love and tenderness.

Effective Listening

Until now in discussing the creation of verbal intimacy in

marriage, we have concentrated on the role of the expressor, or the
spouse who needs to share a feeling. An equally important skill in
communicating with one's partner is that of receiving, or listening.
As an effective listener, a person must first have an attitude of

48
attention and interest—an "I-care-about-what-you-are-about-to-say"
attitude. Second, they must have a desire to listen with the ears, the
mind, and the heart, so as to be able to comprehend what they are
being told.
When a person listens with their mind and heart, they might first
determine if they have heard what their partner is meaning to
communicate. This can be done by asking something as simple as,
"Do I hear you saying that you. . . ?"
Once a person receives a confirming signal that they are
interpreting things correctly, it's much easier to resolve the issue at
hand. But it is essential that a person provides verbal reinforcement
to their partner.
Positive verbalizing, or paying compliments, can be the glue that
holds a relationship together. While most spouses are quick to
comment on the negative aspects of marriage, too often they take
the positive things for granted. One author explains:

The best way one can help a tongue-tied spouse who does not
communicate often, is by example. Compliments multiply and tend
to beget other compliments. Nothing comes across phonier than
false praise, so we must be sure to be sincere. On the other hand,
many of us need to learn how to graciously accept a compliment
with a sincere "Thank you," rather than with a contradiction. Telling
our partner how much we appreciate them is a gift that costs
nothing, yet means everything. Nothing says loving like sincere
appreciation. (Diane Halles, "Words That Can Warm Up Your
Marriage," McCalls, April 1989).

Let me be a little kinder, let me be a little

blinder, to the faults of those around me. Let me
praise a little more.
Edgar A. Guest

49
 It is important to send as many positive verbal messages as
possible. Verbal intimacy is achieved when a couple is successful at
doing this as well as at sharing feelings of frustration, loneliness, and
so forth. The underlying elements of such a relationship is mutual
trust and respect, and only when these ingredients are present can
a couple achieve true intimacy.

CONCLUSION

Words are more powerful than the sword. It takes two

understanding hearts to truly share. Verbalizing thoughts and
feelings is essential to a vibrant, growing relationship. It is perhaps
the first type of intimacy a couple experiences as they prepare to
become close in other areas.
Hopefully, the ideas explored in this chapter will become a
springboard for you and your partner as you further refine your own
skills of sharing and caring. Only then can you effectively internalize
[and ultimately cherish] the other facets of intimacy, and thus
prepare your relationship to stand the tests of time.

50
 5
Nonverbal Intimacy

As one string upon another builds a rope

to anchor the mightiest ship,
One loving act upon another builds ties that bind
well beyond the grave.
Author Unknown

The Power of the Unspoken Word

Approximately eighty percent of all communicating is nonverbal.

This statistic makes it clear that there is great power in unspoken
messages. A thorough understanding of how to effectively send such
messages in a positive way can lead to increased intimacy.
There are several kinds of nonverbal communication between
couples, many having to do with touching, looking into one
another's eyes, holding hands, and collapsing into each other's arms.
These nonverbal signals will be discussed later. For now, there is
another type of nonverbal communication that deserves discussion
because it increases a couple's sense of oneness. It is simple
kindness and sensitivity between a man and woman.

51
An Unexpected and Unlikely Beginning

In reflecting on the early days of our marriage, we both

remember a very Camelot-like beginning. As two 22-year-olds, we
innocently viewed marriage as a destination. Once we were married,
we thought we had arrived. But we soon learned that marriage is
much more like an exhilarating, though complex and hazardous
journey.
Little did either of us realize, as we began our honeymoon, that
five short months later Brent would be activated into the U.S. Army
and would subsequently be sent to Vietnam.
That separation was a difficult one. We were just settling into
a satisfying and rewarding marriage routine. In retrospect, however,
it was a healthy separation. We found that by learning to express
ourselves in letters, our love deepened and solidified. We found that
writing feelings down on paper, where words were measured and
chosen carefully, was a powerful exercise in learning to
communicate effectively.
As we now reread those letters, we can see that it forced us to
stretch ourselves and our communicating talents. We didn't just
share thoughts and feelings, either; as time passed we found
ourselves setting more and more goals, in ink. We now realize that
this unexpected intrusion into our first year of marriage was most
valuable for us in this respect. It allowed us to step back, evaluate
our progress as a couple, and then recommit ourselves to the ideals
upon which our marriage had been founded.
We believe that this forced nonverbal stretching early on served
as a crucial anchor to our marriage.
Most couples don't have the experience of separating for a
season while still floating along on the clouds of their honeymoon.
Still, as a couple, you can begin today to enjoy fresh and
invigorating air in your marriage by sharing feelings of love in a
letter. Love notes are a treasure! Who doesn't relish the excitement
of opening an envelope addressed to them to find tender words
expressing love and appreciation?
Expressing feelings on paper is one way this intimacy can be

52
achieved. A spouse could leave a note in their partner's lunch box,
in their suitcase when they travel, under a pillow—or even deliver it
to their place of employment. A working partner might write a
letter to their spouse and mail it from work, or perhaps while on a
business trip. E-mail is a great way to keep in constant touch!
If you are experiencing frustration or disappointment in your
marriage, consider the possibility of writing down your feelings.
This can be an effective way of expressing yourself, simply because
you can choose your words carefully without having to give an
immediate response.
Some marriage partners who are confronted with feelings of
frustration find it much easier to express deep feelings on paper
before talking things out with their spouse. From that point, a
conversation on the subject is easier to approach. Some letters
should never be mailed or given to a partner. If in question, seal it
up, and keep it for a day or two, and re-read it to see if the message
is too strong. Writing is good therapy for the mind, and is a good
way to vent. Before you give it away, consider if it will do more
damage than good.
There are two types of charitable acts that you can perform to
better your relationship with your spouse. First, do things for your
husband or wife, thus sending out a clear, romantic signal. These
can be as direct as making your husband his favorite cake or leaving
a mint on his pillow; or, for the husband, purchasing a new
nightgown for your wife. Or they might be as indirect as polishing
your partner's shoes or putting toothpaste on his or her toothbrush.
Sending flowers is a great way to communicate your love in a
nonverbal way. Someone has said that the 'earth laughs in flowers.'
Even though we all know they are perishable and won't last very
long, the memory and fragrance will outlast the blossoms. It shows
that you care, and it is the thought that counts.

Making the Load Lighter

The second type of charitable act involves a deeper commitment

to intimacy than the first — and that is doing things that will lighten

53
the burden of your partner's daily tasks.
A friend shares the feelings she has about her husband when he
demonstrates this type of nonverbal intimacy: "Even without
speaking, I have always appreciated how my husband lets me know
he loves me. It might sound silly, but some of my most appreciative
feelings surface during the middle of the night when he gets up and
takes care of the baby. He doesn't always do this, but we take
turns, and it lets me know just how much he loves me."
This woman's husband adds: "Never a moment passes in our
home but what my wife is silently expressing her love, either to me
or to one of the children. Whether it's preparing a meal, washing
several batches of clothes during any given day, or simply bringing
me a large glass of orange juice, which is my favorite.
"My wife's quiet messages of love seem to exact from me a
desire to perform loving acts for her. My favorite is getting her car
washed and then filling the tank with gas before I hand the keys
back to her. Somehow these small acts of kindness do wonders for
our marriage."
Still another woman, in reflecting her appreciation for nonverbal
acts of love, states: "Adding to the luster of my diamond is my
husband's increased involvement around the house. This has come
about as he has become more aware of my needs. He has a personal
goal for me never to have to pick up our vacuum, and he will
sometimes even vacuum the family living area of our home twice a
day. He'll employ the younger children to pick up ahead of him,
and before I know what is happening, law and order have been
restored to our home. His helping lets me know that he really does
care about me."
However, if you say "I love you," but do nothing to support or
show that love, then your actions are inconsistent with your words.
Being sensitive to your spouse's needs, and then doing kind
nonverbal deeds for your spouse, gives meaning to your words.
About the issue of a husband's involvement in keeping a home
tidy and clean, Margaret explains: "I was recently given a book
written by Don Aslett entitled Who Says It fs a Woman 's Job to
Clean? In quoting from the Wall Street Journal, he states that

54
women who are homemakers spend more than eight hours a day on
house and family work, while women who are employed outside the
home spend as much as five hours a day. This compares to
husbands who spend only an average of thirty-six minutes per week
in helping around the house.
"I don't share those statistics in a complaining way. I love being
in my home, and I receive a lot of satisfaction from my full-time job
as a homemaker. But I do begin to feel like a martyr if I am
carrying the entire weight of the house on my shoulders. Husbands
would be surprised at the great benefits of sharing the load.
"Again, Mr. Aslett states, 'Women become warm and playful
when the house is clean, squared away, and running smoothly.' He
then counsels husbands to 'take over some of the work and you'll
have more time to play and be together. She'll be less irritated and
naggy, prettier, a little more likely to believe that you really do care,
and you can use your imagination from there. We'll really make all
those macho foreign lovers sweat when we start making housework
an all-American male passion.'
"I'm so glad my husband doesn't think of housework as 'your'
job. He has taken y out of your, and has tried to make cleanliness
in our home a team effort. This has given us a deeper meaning to
our feelings as well as to our precious moments together."

Subtle Cues

There are other ways to communicate nonverbally, most of

which couples don't realize they are using. These are more oriented
to their interaction as a couple and include their tone of voice, facial
expressions, body language—as well as the subtle, pervading moods
they have as they interact with their spouse. In many ways, these
nonverbal messages are even more important than the actual words
expressed in conversation.
Even though physical closeness is a prelude to sexual intimacy,
such closeness can be very fulfilling, independent of further
intentions. Tender touching has profound power in any significant
relationship. There is a closeness that comes from physically

55
touching that can perform miracles, including healing
misunderstandings and gaining a closeness and confidence that is
crucial to a viable marriage. Many times the magic of touch brings
great satisfaction and bonding to both partners.
As an example of the power of nonverbal intimacy, one woman
shares: "Because of our busy lifestyle, my husband and I usually
collapse in bed at the end of a day. We love to then catch our
breath as we share the events of our day with each other. As we fall
asleep, we cuddle up like two teddy bears, and continue to gain
strength and reassurance from these hugs throughout the night."
She then becomes more specific: "I love my husband's hands!
They are so rugged, yet so tender. I can recall vividly our first date
when, for the first time, he reached over and took my hand in his.
Now, years later, I love holding hands with him even more.
"In addition to the act of holding hands, I appreciate how my
husband's hands show me so much love, with gentle caressing and
expression. Then too, I love how his hands are helping hands and
reach out to share the work. I also love how his hands bless my life.
It makes me really believe that he truly loves me, because his hands
actually prove it. My husband's hands show me that he loves me."
One woman shares a letter that she stuffed in her husband's shirt
pocket:

My Dearest Husband:
How very much I appreciate your great tenderness with me.
After having been away on a business trip and then returning
home, you are so careful to be sure that I enjoy our intimacy.
You treat me with such great respect. For me, I am best able to
share myself with you after a day of small kindnesses from you
—a hug, an expression of appreciation, a kiss after breakfast.
Even seeing you as a wonderful father increases my desire
to be one with you—your delightful laughter as you help baby
John with his first steps, your careful listening to our teenage
daughter 's concern over dating, and all the things you do with
our other children. You see, I am able to love you so completely
because you are such a good man in all areas of your life.

56
 Perhaps I could say that the intimate part of our lives is not an
event or a simple act—it is a complex part of the very fabric of
our lives together.
Thank you for helping me look forward to our loving times
by encouraging me, listening to me, appreciating me, and being
so honest. I love you more than words can tell.
Yours forever

Sending Messages

Remember the cartoon mentioned in the previous chapter, "I

know we don't communicate. . .it's one of my few pleasures!" This
statement is actually false, for two people together cannot not
communicate! They are always sending messages, whether it is with
their tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions, or body language.
Even the silent treatment says something.
If marriage partners do things with a wince and a grudge, feeling
all the while as though they are being used, then their message will
be loud and clear. On the other hand, if their attitude is one of
service with love, it will be received in the same way. There is a
universal law which states that "we love those individuals we serve."
Doing for others creates a bond. This is why parents love their
children so much. They love them, not for all they have done for the
parents, but for what the parents have invested in them. If this law
is thought of as an equation that will work in marriage, a couple
could say that service is a key to loving one another. Partners can
learn to love their companions more as you do little things that
please them.
It is good to verbalize nonverbal expectations and appreciations.
Different people respond differently to nonverbal cues, and it is
good to check out what one's partner enjoys or doesn't enjoy.
In One Flesh, One Heart, Dr. Carlfred Broderick gives
examples of couples who appreciate such a tactic. He states:

I have known women who would melt if their husbands

brought them an unexpected box of candy; I have known others

57
 who would be offended that their husbands didn't support their
attempt to cut down on sweets; and I have known still others
who would feel that such a romantic gesture was a sly attempt
to deflect their attention from the real issues in their relationship
(whatever those might be).
Men are no easier to please. One might enjoy and appreciate
his wife's help on a major project, while another would consider
her meddlesome. Most men would probably appreciate their
wives being more active in initiating sexual activity. Yet some
would be offended, threatened, or put off by it. (Deseret Book,
1986, pp. 37-38.)

Dr. Broderick concludes with an intriguing question:

"Have you ever noticed that when couples give each other back
rubs, they tend to give the rub they would like to receive rather than
the one their partner wants? Thus a husband may give his wife a
firm back rub that she finds painful and even intimidating, while she
gives him a feathery massage that he finds ticklish and
unsatisfactory."
The point is obvious. Individuals should feel so secure in their
relationship with their spouse that they can verbalize what they like
and dislike, in terms of nonverbal techniques and messages. Then,
and only then, can a couple insure this type of intimacy in their
marriage.

CONCLUSION

The intent of this chapter has been to provide insight into

personal nonverbal cues that spouses can give each other to induce
greater bonding and intimacy in their marriage. These stimuli occur
when a couple interacts and sends nonverbal messages to each
other, and when partners choose to perform acts of kindness for
their spouse.
Hopefully, the ideas and personal experiences shared in these
pages can assist you in reaching new nonverbal vistas in your
marriage. This will occur spontaneously as you think of creative

58
ways to nonverbally express your feelings for each other.
You can create further intimacy whether you have been married
just a few short weeks, or whether you have washed each others'
clothes and cars for several decades. Expressed consistently, these
nonverbal techniques combine to create a bonding that, in turn,
introduces an environment of profound trust and security between
husband and wife.

59
 6
Sexual Intimacy
Sex is as much psychological as physical
Certainly love is much more than physical sex
appeal
Harold H. Titus

On Higher Ground

The appropriate nature of the basic family unit of husband and

wife is clearly and simply set forth in Genesis 2:24: "And they shall
be one flesh." While today this is a common cliche, it is nonetheless
important as we consider the binding and bonding that takes place
as a couple does indeed become one flesh.
There is only one time when two individuals are truly one flesh.
This, of course, is during the act of love, or procreation. During this
act, two individuals become so personal and so intimate with each
other that they actually become a part of each other. There seem to
be at least two results of this personal, sacred moment of oneness.
The first result is the deepening bond that is strengthened between

61
lovers. The second result is the unique bond that develops between
partners as a woman carries, and then delivers, a child.

The Potential for Exploitation

The challenge for each of us is to make proper use of our body,

as well as our partners', by enjoying the moment of sexual intimacy
without exploiting the other. In fact, as the two of us consider the
singular experience of sexual intimacy, we honestly feel that one
partner has the power to use this same moment to throw the
relationship into a downward spiral, simply by exploiting the
moment for selfish purposes.
As we will explain as the following chapters unfold, sexual
intimacy is not an end in and of itself. Rather, it is a facilitator for
emotional intimacy. As such, we should be cautioned against
getting the intimacy emPHASis on the wrong syLABle. They
regard sexual intimacy, and orgasm, as the ultimate benefit of the
act.
The premise of this book, however, is that the physical union is
an expression that provides an environment for increased emotional
and spiritual intimacy. In fact, if these latter facets of intimacy are
nonexistent, sexual intimacy begins to exploit and then ultimately
contribute to contaminating a relationship. In particular, a woman
must sense an emotional connection if she is not going to feel
exploited. Feeling exploited occurs when the man gives her the
feeling that he has his own selfish agenda in being intimate, and that
he is focused on his own body and his pleasure; or on her body,
rather than on her, as a person.

Lovemaking Is a Key to Marital Joy

Boyd K. Packer, a religious spokesman, has explained, "The

experience of procreation- is in fact the very key to our being truly
happy." ("Why Stay Morally Clean," £ra/gw, July 1972, p. 113.) It
is the way provided by God for his purposes of populating the earth.
According to Packer, the procreative power within each of us

62
exhibits two significant features— it is both strong and constant.
Knowing the difficulties encountered in rearing children, God has
provided these features as a means of motivating us to have
children. Without these features, many couples would be reluctant
to accept the overwhelming responsibilities of parenthood.
Speaking further from a spiritual perspective, the Lord caused
the experience of intimacy to be a bonding and unifying one for both
men and women. Since this power of procreation is constant, it can
serve as a medium for couples to develop, express, and foster
delicate and intimate love feelings.
Contrary to much that is conveyed on the screen and in modern
"enlightened" literature, the act of sexual intimacy is not intended to
be a self-oriented, personal gratification experience. Rather, it is
intended to be one where feelings of love, caring, and giving expand
and grow within. As a marriage partner, you can no doubt
appreciate that when two people have this orientation toward
intimacy, they experience the highest and most noble feelings of
love and companionship. Then and only then can two really become
one and thereby share in the depth of purpose of this intimacy.
The Reverend Billy Graham has stated:

The Bible makes plain that evil, when related to sex, means
not the use of something inherently corrupt, but the misuse of
something pure and good. It teaches clearly that sex can be a
wonderful servant but a terrible master: that it can be a creative
force more powerful than any other in fostering of love,
companionship, happiness, or it can be the most destructive of
all of life's forces. . . .
God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the
sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race,
and for the expression of that kind of love between man and
wife that makes for true oneness. His command to the first man
and woman to be "one flesh" was as important as his command
to "be fruitful and multiply." ("Guidelines to Carry Forth the
Work of God in Cleanliness," Ensign, May 1974, pp. 7-8.)

63
 The premise of this chapter is that the sexual union is intended
for both procreating and giving nourishment and strength to the
marriage relationship.

Further Understanding

The sexual union has at times been thought of as a necessary

obligation that should be tolerated, that it was the man's right and
the woman's duty to repeat this experience. In recent decades,
however, public views have changed dramatically.
The result has done more than correct the errors of the past.
Like a pendulum swinging too far, society has moved into a period
of excessive permissiveness, where sexual intimacy is flaunted and
portrayed and abused to an almost unbelievable degree. This is no
more clearly seen than in the much-discussed moral decay of
America's leaders.
It is crucial to understand the appropriate, even God-given role
sexual intimacy plays, and then stand firm in one's convictions rather
than allow themselves to be influenced by what is portrayed on the
Internet, on television and movie screens, or in magazines and
books. As a society, we must avoid the extreme views of the
Puritan and Victorian eras as well as the hedonistic extremes of our
own sexually permissive day. Instead, we should seek after that
which is appropriate and exhilarating.
As couples, we should seek after that which is uplifting and
virtuous. This is true in the sacred area of intimacy in marriage as
much as in any other part of life. The important thing to remember
is that, as a people, we must sift the wheat from the chaff, retaining
only that which is consistent with a stable value system. We should
not only gather correct information about sexuality in marriage, but
we should avoid or discard incorrect beliefs as well.

The Incomparable Human Body

Unfortunately, there are members of our society who have

naively accepted the belief that the physical part of the body is evil

64
and debasing and as such should be shunned and avoided. This
belief dates back to ancient philosophies and continues to exist in
several modern cultures. It springs from the concept that the mind
or the spirit is the more superior part of man, while the physical
body is the seat of evil things such as passions and corrupting
influences.
This belief has led people to want to enhance the mental or
spiritual parts, while avoiding or denouncing moments of physical
fulfillment. From this orientation it is but a short step to defining the
sexual part of man as primarily a part of the physical body rather
than of the spirit. Thus this belief of labeling sexuality as being evil,
carnal, and undesirable was incorporated into early Christian
traditions and has unfortunately remained there for many people,
even as we welcome the next century.
The view that the physical body is something low, and that
sexuality in marriage is unholy or evil, is incompatible with revealed
truths about the nature of man. The Holy Bible teaches that each of
us is a temple (see I Corinthians 3:16-17), and that because the
physical body was made in the image of God, it too is glorious and
desirable. We are born innocent and pure and with a desire to make
correct choices. But as we move through childhood and
adolescence and become contaminated by influences of the world,
we learn to compromise, and thereby become fallen.
Nor do evil intentions confine themselves to the physical body.
They arise in the heart and mind and spirit, and then bodies become
victims of compromise. In its mortal state, physical bodies are
subject to a variety of frailties and imperfections. Still, normal
sexual drives and feelings are not in this category. God gave us
sexuality and commanded us to use this power and process within
the bonds of marriage, for it is the best institution for housing all the
needs of a man and a woman.
To summarize, it is important to seriously consider intimacy in
marriage because it is so crucial to the success of marriage. Too
many marriages have been wrecked on the treacherous rocks of
ignorance and illicit sexual behavior. Proper sexual intimacy, on the
other hand, stands alone in its ability to facilitate oneness.

65
 It is tragic that, despite the crucial nature of this part of
marriage, many parents do not educate and equip their children with
correct information regarding sexuality. Too many turn their heads
away, hoping that in some magical way their children will gather and
assimilate this information correctly. Sex Education classes at
school give children the basics, but parents need to fill in the blanks
with love and understanding.
The approach of letting "the village do it" inadvertently invites
teenagers to educate themselves. At best, this education is likely to
be incomplete. In addition, many have brought misconceptions from
youth to marriage, so they retain an incorrect or inadequate
perspective of physical intimacy.

The Sexual Union

Several years ago when Brent began his doctoral studies in the
area of marriage and family therapy, he was introduced to the
writings of Helen Singer Kaplan, M.D., Ph.D., professor of
psychiatry and founder and director of the Human Sexuality
Program at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center. As both
a physician and a psychiatrist, she is eminently qualified to teach
about the sexual union.
This Kaplan has done, writing two professional texts, the first of
which was titled The New Sex Therapy. While this book is written
for the professional marriage counselor, it provides some basic and
valuable information. If you are contemplating marriage in the near
future, or if you've been married for some time, sharing this
knowledge of the sexual response cycle can be helpful to you.

The Cycle of Sexual Intimacy

Dr. Kaplan divides the male and the female sexual response into
four successive stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
(See The New Sex Therapy, pp. 7-33.) Each person experiences
physiological, and emotional changes in each of these four stages,
as follows:

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 The Excitement Stage

Most of the time we are not experiencing sexual feelings. Our

minds are occupied with other things such as driving the car,
golfing, studying, working, eating, cleaning house, caring for the
children, taking care of civic responsibilities, and so forth. Still,
every once in a while something happens within us that creates a
slight sexual feeling. We may be holding hands at a special moment,
or we may touch each other in just the right way, or we may have
a prearranged signal that tells our partner we are longing to share
our feelings of love in a physical way.
Physiologically, this phase is characterized by the onset of erotic
feelings, accompanied by a physical response in men and lubrication
in women. In addition, the woman's body changes and enlarges to
allow a union to take place.
One of the greatest mishaps in new marriages occurs when a
husband, without understanding the need for his bride's physical
preparation, expects immediate consummation, thus leaving his
companion unsatisfied and emotionally and physically unable to
respond. When this usually painful cycle repeats itself often enough,
the wife will often feel that she is an object rather than a participant.
Thus the grounds for disenchantment are unknowingly laid.
This tragic beginning to intimacy is usually due to the different
sexual scripts that we bring with us into marriage. We have a
preconceived idea of how we want to respond to these feelings of
excitement, or intense interest, and our idea or script does not match
what our spouse thinks should take place.
In talking about the need for couples to understand and share
their preconceived notions, noted therapist, Dr. Carlfred Broderick,
states:

When a couple feels dissatisfied with (the sexual) part of the

relationship, it is extremely helpful to share their sexual scripts
with each other. Many couples find it difficult to do this because
one or both may view sex as so sacred or so private or so
shameful that it is very uncomfortable to discuss in any detail.

67
 Nevertheless, it is my experience that a sharing of sexual scripts
can provide the awareness needed to solve many perplexing
problems in this area. It is like turning on a light in a dark room
so that one can see more clearly what the real obstacles to
shared satisfaction might be. {Couples, Simon & Schuster, Inc.,
New York, 1987, p. 140.)

One couple shares the following about setting the right mood for
physical intimacy:

The sexual part of our life is very different at different

times. At times it has been a spiritual experience. When we
have been trying to conceive a child we have sometimes felt a
kinship with God and have felt that our sexual interaction was
almost a heavenly process. We yvefelt like we were assisting
God in the creation process, and it has been a spiritual feeling
that initiates our desire to be intimate with each other.
At other times our intimacy has been a means of
sustaining and support. When one of us is low, we love to be
close and to be touching with each other. Sometimes we 11
snuggle up and lay close to each other for a while, and it is a
rejuvenating feeling which may or may not lead to a full
expression of our love.
There are other times when our desire for closeness has
been born of romantic notions. We sometimes decide days
before to have a night of romance, and we make a date with
each other. As that special time arrives, we may get dressed up
and go to dinner, or have a special meal or dessert at home,
listen to some of our favorite music, and eventually find
ourselves sharing love.
We have also found that the intimate part of our marriage
is precious after there has been a problem or difficulty between
us. When we have had a serious disagreement or a problem
between us that has brought tears and hurt and sadness, we find
that the concluding act of getting over the problem is to initiate
lovemaking as a healing experience. Somehow this helps us

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 get close together again, and this has become sort of a signal
to both of us that there is no discomfort between us.

Our society has taught that the husband is to be the aggressor,

the one who makes the initial advance toward sexual intimacy.
From our experience, this is a false and chauvinistic notion. When
the wife assumes the aggressor role and shows interest, it is
rewarding to both.
If a wife or a husband is romantic and shows that they are
seeking affection early in the day, those desires and feelings build for
both partners until evening when the house is quiet and those
feelings can be adequately expressed. Anticipation adds fire and
emotion to this vital stage.
Another couple adds:

/ remember one time when we were going on a trip together.

Weflew to New York, and toward the end of the flight we found
ourselves holding hands and squeezing each other in ways that
signaled that we were getting interested in expressing our love.
We then had to wait for a bus ride to the hotel, and both of us
were so excited that we could hardly stand it. As soon as we
could get checked in, we had a passionate and rewarding evening
together.

In considering this first stage of excitement, whatever the initial

trigger mechanism for romantic expressions, this stage is
characterized by the onset of erotic feelings for one's partner.
Like any other emotion, sexual excitement begins as a small
feeling. Also, like many other emotions, this feeling can grow and
expand until it becomes very intense, compelling and consuming. If
you are presently in a healthy, growing marriage, you will appreciate
that these feelings are natural for both you and your spouse, and that
they contribute to the depth and breadth of your relationship.
In summarizing the excitement or sexual arousal stage, the
important thing to remember is that each partner must trust in order
to proceed with an expression of intimacy. You've heard the old

69
saying that "you get more with sugar than you do with vinegar."
Sugar, or acts of kindness, create a deep and powerful trust between
a husband and wife, and this trust is developed by understanding
each other's scripts, or each other's expectations, of this most
intimate expression of love.

The Plateau Stage

When a couple is adequately aroused, and an intimate expression

of love has commenced, a plateau period takes place. Couples
usually experience more and more excitement until gradually they
reach this plateau, which is accompanied by both partners beginning
to focus on this intimate expression while leaving the cares of the
world behind. They find themselves experiencing a continual feeling
of intense elation and enjoyment.
During plateau, the local physical response is at its peak for both
the husband and the wife. While this is true, it is important to
understand that there is a very distinct difference in the way the
husband and the wife normally respond in the excitement and
plateau stages. The man usually moves through the excitement
phase more quickly than does the woman. When this occurs he is
physiologically and emotionally ready to consummate the sexual act
before she is.
If the couple tries to complete the sexual union at this time, it
can create several problems. The wife may not be adequately
lubricated and subsequently experience discomfort and even pain.
In addition, she may not be emotionally ready to proceed, and may
therefore resent her husband's attempts to prematurely effect the
union. This is a prime example of the disparity in sexual scripts. It
wouldn't take too many repetitions of this theme for a mutual
resentment and frustration to be built up about this most crucial and
sacred moment in marriage.
Even if you, as a couple, feel that you understand each other's
scripts and that you believe you have great similarity in sexual role
expectations, it would be good to periodically discuss your patterns
of interacting. As couples move through the various stages of love,

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their sexual expectations and abilities change; and so by doing this
you will learn to respond more adequately to the needs of your
spouse. You will continue to love each other in ways that will allow
you to move through the natural cycle of becoming aroused and
excited, thus preparing your mind, your body, your emotions, and
your spirit for the moment of sharing love.
One woman shares her perceptions about this stage:

"Tender touch is a very important part of this plateau stage

of making love. It is the caressing and touching and trying to
please your partner that gives you a warm and responsive
feeling. One who is thinking of his or her own needs, or who is
spectatoring by examining the experience as an outsider, cannot
adequately help their partner achieve satisfaction. On the other
hand, one who is trying to please their partner, in an unselfish
manner, will receive satisfaction back."

Brent says, "If there is one observation I have made during the
past two decades of marital counseling, it is that husbands become
too concerned with the act of lovemaking, while ignoring the needs
of their wife. When this happens, apprehensions and inhibitions
build up in both. I honestly believe that if a woman is treated
tenderly and shown concern for her satisfaction, she will desire
expressions of intimacy every bit as much as does her husband.
Women are emotional creatures, and when a husband positively
responds to the emotional needs of his companion, very fulfilling
moments of intimacy take place."
When a man is experiencing the act of love, his mind usually has
single vision and he concentrates fully on what is transpiring. A
woman, on the other hand, often has mental distractions. She may
be thinking of other things such as wondering if someone
remembered to close the garage door, or if the teens are home from
the dance.
The right romantic setting is very important so the couple can
forget the world and be totally, mentally caught up in the sharing
experiencing with each other. All master bedrooms, in homes where

71
children reside, should have a door with a lock on them. A busy
home with family members coming and going at all hours of the day
and night make it hard for a couple to find a few minutes together
alone. You need to orchestrate romantic time!
The plateau stage can also be portrayed as a time to verbalize
one's feelings toward their spouse.
As one husband suggests:

Silence during lovemaking can be like a wall of ice. I love

it when my wife and I talk to each other when we are being
intimate. I often hear my wife 's words, "I love how you love
me. " She has told me time and again how she likes to hear me
describe how I feel toward her, and what I am experiencing. I
also ask her, 'What pleases you most? " True fulfillment is
reaching out to our partner and trying to fulfill their needs.
Often a sweet "Thank you for loving me " is the beautiful
conclusion to our expression.

We are now ready to discuss the emotion-filled third phase of

sexual intimacy.

The Orgasmic Stage

The orgasmic stage, or culminating moment, is usually the

shortest of the four stages of sharing love and seldom lasts more
than a few seconds. It is the brief period when the peak of sexual
excitement occurs and creates a moment of intense feeling of love
and expressions of tender affection for the spouse.
Physiologically, the moment of orgasm has three components for
the husband: (a) semi-involuntary muscular contractions in the entire
abdominal area; (b) extremely intense and pleasant sensations; and
© an ejaculation of semen containing up to 50,000 life-producing
chromosomes called spermatozoa.
The moment of climax for the wife has two physiological
components: (a) a series of semi-involuntary muscular contractions
similar to the husband's; and (b) the same type of intense and

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pleasant sensations. Her vaginal muscles contract and give a sudden
feeling similar to a sneeze.
While there are many myths about men and women desiring and
needing to achieve simultaneous and mutual orgasm, when a couple
knows and understands each other's sexual scripts, they can provide
total fulfillment for each other. When they seek to understand each
other's feelings and needs (as well as their comfort zones), and
when there is mutual trust and respect, the peak physical response
becomes effortless and even secondary. The important thing is that
couples talk and verbalize their needs and expectations.
A woman does not always need to experience orgasm in order
to achieve total fulfillment. Nor does her husband. In fact, as man
ages, his regenerative or refractory period (the amount of time
which must elapse between orgasmic experiences) increases as well.
On the other hand, a woman's ability for peak physical response
increases as she passes through her twenties and thirties. A man's
ability to perform peaks at the conclusion of his teen years. A love-
making session can end without one or both partners achieving
orgasm and not create great frustration if there is understanding.
As a couple ages, each partner should be sensitive to each
other's physiological abilities and limitations. When a person
understands the needs and abilities of his or her partner, and is then
sensitive to those needs, the physical act becomes an expression of
love rather than a moment of selfish pleasure-seeking. The key to
fulfillment is providing emotional gratification during this intimate
exchange, while allowing the physiological effects to become
secondary to the emotional needs of each partner.
And now for the vital final stage in the sexual response cycle.

The Resolution Stage

Once emotional and/or physical orgasm takes place, a couple

concludes the sexual embrace with a period of gradual reduction in
sexual and emotional excitement.
During this stage, the resolution for the husband is involuntary
and begins to occur within a few seconds after orgasm. The entire

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resolution phase for him may be over in a period as short as ten to
thirty seconds. He then enters a period of sexual satiation and is
unable to physically respond for a period of time.
For a woman, the resolution stage lasts longer than for her
husband. It is during this stage that she will experience what is
commonly referred to as the afterglow. Her interest in being
physically close and romantic may take fifteen to thirty minutes to
subside. It is important that couples respond with understanding, to
this natural difference between the husband and wife during the
resolution stage. An abrupt ending on the part of the husband, such
as turning on the television or insensitively rolling over and going to
sleep, can undo much of the bonding that has just occurred during
the sexual union.
If it is ignored, it can cause resentment and do ultimate damage
to the perceived fulfillment of each partner.
One woman shares:

Much has happened through the years in my husband's

understanding my needs and then responding to them. This is
especially true as we conclude a session of intimate
lovemaking. I have particularly appreciated the empathy my
husband shows to my needs, and the discovery we have made to
use these concluding moments of intimacy as a time to share
feelings and needs we may have at that time. Lying in each
other 's arms at that time has given an added dimension to our
oneness with each other.

We have discovered that the concluding stage of sharing love

can be one of the most fulfilling moments of intimacy. It can become
a time when feelings are shared verbally, where empathetic
conversation can take place as one partner seeks to understand how
his or her spouse is feeling, and where mutual interests can be
discussed.

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Dealing with Issues and Setbacks

Love is not love which alters when

it alteration finds,
Shakespeare

The following experiences come from two couples who confided

in us. The first of these was a young man and woman who had
recently become engaged and were full of hope and expectations.
We found that the young woman was anxious about their
approaching marriage. She had been fed inaccurate and unfortunate
information from her mother regarding the role of intimacy in
marriage. Consequently, whenever this couples' wedding date
would draw near, she would postpone the date in fear of what the
wedding night might bring.
The four of us visited late into the evening, and before long we
became insignificant observers as this couple talked openly with
each other. Fortunately for this young woman, her fiance was wise
beyond his years, and because he showed great concern for her and
empathy about the situation, her fears began to dissipate. The true
magic of that evening became evident as the young woman realized,
for the first time, that her fiance was concerned more about her
emotional comfort zone than about his own expectations of their
wedding night.
Once this young man displayed such sensitivity, the couple
proceeded toward their date with destiny. This time their wedding
date was kept, and they now seem to be safely and securely
launched into their own marriage orbit. There is power in getting
started on the right foot. Because fears and expectations were
brought out in the open, and then discussed, this couple avoided
problems that seemed inevitable.
The story of the second couple is not as happy. This husband
and wife wed almost forty years ago. Unlike the first couple, they

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married with little or no discussion about perceptions and
expectations of sexual intimacy in their relationship.
Unfortunately, as their marriage began the new husband showed
little consideration and sensitivity toward his bride's needs and
feelings. The result was all too common. During ensuing weeks
and months this young woman developed increasing resentment
toward her husband for the way he approached their brief moments
of what she began to call mechanical intimacy.
Time passed, and after having several children this lonely and
unfulfilled wife terminated any sexual activity with her husband. In
her mind she did this out of survival, and she resolved to never allow
her husband near her again. Her husband subsequently sought
gratification outside their marriage, and he now finds himself
without a companion and family.
This second scenario is, tragically, too often repeated. There are
two recurring reasons for this downward spiraling trend. First and
foremost is the lack of understanding and preparation on the part of
both partners prior to their wedding date. Second, and equally as
tragic, is the courtship born of selfishness, a courtship where making
out and physical gratification dominate the pre-wedding relationship.
This type of behavior tends to accelerate into even greater
selfishness after marriage vows are made. The physical part of the
relationship is only one facet of the total. It is just one spoke of the
wheel. To be well-rounded, all facets need to have attention.

Starting Over—To Share Love, Rather Than Merely Have Sex "

As difficult as such circumstances and patterns are, it is possible

to reverse this trend—even after years of marriage. If you and your
partner are discouraged and bogged down because of unfulfilling
moments of intimacy, we recommend that you make preparations to
begin to change.
Simply talk through issues, and put the intimate part of your
marriage on hold. Indicate to each other that you will re-
consummate your marriage vows after you have determined to share
moments of intimacy on a more elevated basis. That is, agree that

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from this moment you will not relegate the sacred intimate
expression of lovemaking to simply having sex. Instead, promise
that you will prepare to always share love. "Having sex" in and of
itself can be a selfish experience, one that too often doesn't lead to
growth and bonding. On the other hand, expressing love can
become one of the most unifying experiences a couple can
experience.
After you have allowed the tension and uncomfortable habits of
surrounding intimacy to dissipate and leave your bedroom, prepare
for your renewal moment by getting away from the children and
having a second honeymoon. An alternative is to arrange for your
children to visit their grandparents or friends while you stay home
alone and rediscover your love for each other.
Finally, remember that when considering this most personal part
of marriage, the word sacred is paramount. Friends and family
members have no right to information about this part of your
relationship. The only time it may be appropriate to share details of
such a personal nature is if you determine to seek guidance from the
appropriate ecclesiastical leader and/or professional counselor.

CONCLUSION

The amount of satisfaction a couple experiences in sexual

intimacy is directly related to the overall satisfaction they have with
their marriage. Physical intimacy is the single most predictive
barometer of satisfaction a couple has in their marriage.
Our intent in this chapter has been threefold: first, to discuss
how this beautiful and profound facet of intimacy should be
regarded— that is, within the sacred framework God has ordained.
Second, to provide a detailed statement about the physical process
and punctuation marks of lovemaking; and third, to explore the
foundation of a healthy, satisfying physical relationship.
With the prelude of verbal and nonverbal intimacy as a
foundation, and now with an understanding of the facilitative nature
of physical or sexual intimacy, it is time to examine the emotional
element of intimacy.

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 7
Emotional Intimacy

Love gives itself—it is not

bought
Longfellow

The Sustaining Nourishment of Marriage

As important as physical intimacy is in marriage, emotional

intimacy—the ability to completely trust and give yourself to
someone else emotionally—is even more critical. Emotional
intimacy can sustain couples, and in fact any meaningful relationship,
if need be, through the most trying of circumstances and across
great distances.
Learning to identify and understand emotions is a lifelong quest.
Emotions are fragile, spontaneous, and unpredictable. Even so,
those who learn how to be close emotionally will find that an added
dimension of bonding or oneness takes place.
The goal of this chapter is to explore three central themes:
emotional health, emotional honesty, and emotional maturity.

79
Partners who learn to deal successfully with their emotions in each
of these areas are well on their way to complete intimacy and
oneness in their marriage.
Several years ago, on a Friday evening, we cornered our eleven-
year-old daughter Jennifer and asked her to baby-sit while we went
to the movies. She wasn't thrilled with the prospect of spending a
weekend night tending her three younger brothers and younger
sister, but she knew that her four elder brothers were nowhere to be
found and that she was elected by default. She hesitantly accepted.
It was our night out, and we were anxious to see the movie our
eldest son had recommended— Willow.
We weren't disappointed in the movie. Willow is a story of
adventure, but even more it was the story of a man who loved his
wife and two children enough to leave them so that he could
ultimately provide safety for them. At the conclusion of the story,
when the family was reunited, we were both teary-eyed.
As we ordered dinner after the movie, we talked about how kind
this husband and wife were to each other. That movie prepared us
emotionally to enjoy the remainder of the evening together. It
helped us be open with each other, and it set the mood for gentle,
sensitive interchange.
In reflecting upon our need as people to become 'one', we will
consider the two different types of love described in Brent's
doctoral studies. The first, articulated by a scholar named Winch,
states: "We love those who satisfy our needs" A differing
orientation to love is shared by a family scholar named Prescott:
"We satisfy the needs of those we love"
The first definition is obviously a selfish one and, in fact, is in
direct contrast to the very word love. The second definition,
however, reflects a more giving, Christlike kind of love and exhibits
emotional maturity.
Consider this verse by an unidentified author:

/ suppose it was something you said

That caused me to tighten
And pull away.

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 And when you asked, 'What is it? "
/ of course said, 'Nothing. "
Whenever I say 'Nothing, "
You may be certain there is something.

That little word nothing is a sure signal that something needs

to be shared.
Margaret states: "I love flowers! Roses are my very most
favorite flowers. Every time I see a rose I think of how much
marriage is like a rose. Let us compare the emotional state of
marriage to a budding rose. If the bud is kept in a cool room
without proper light, it will remain tightly closed and show only two
or three of its petals. But if the bud has ample light, water, and
warmth, it will blossom in a natural way. Only in full bloom can the
full beauty of the rose and all its petals be seen. A bud cannot be
forced open without damaging its delicate petals. Thus, the process
of blooming has to occur naturally and spontaneously.
"The rose is much like a marriage relationship. Where there is
a fear of being ridiculed, or being put down, the cool atmosphere
may prevent our companion from opening up and sharing honest
feelings. But when there is an atmosphere of warmth and trust, it is
much easier and less risky to open up and share emotions. This kind
of emotional interchange cannot be forced. But it will happen
naturally when the climate is right.
"As marriage partners we can provide the greenhouse
atmosphere in our home so that our companion will truly blossom
emotionally."
One couple gives this example of being emotionally honest with
each other:
Sometimes one of us wants to make love and the other
doesn 't The one who doesn 't may be too tired or may just not
be interested. For years in our marriage we struggled with how
to "say no "in ways that didn 't make the other person feel badly.
When that is the case, one thing we try to do is make a date for
a later time. We have found this helps the one who was
interested to be patient and to not feel unloved or rejected.

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Benevolent Blindness and Discriminatory Deafness

Several years ago, while Brent was co-authoring a marriage

strengthening program with his colleagues, Wesley Burr and Terry
Baker, they developed a concept that Brent claims is one of the few
original ideas he has ever had. Even so, he quickly acknowledges
that Wes first articulated the concept, but that he and Terry helped
inspire its discovery. The concept is a simple yet powerful one:
benevolent blindness.
Brent remembers the day they first centered on this notion. "We
talked about the far-reaching implications this idea could have.
Terry realized that, while he hadn't had a label for it, his wife, Patti,
had been practicing benevolent blindness for years. 'In fact,' he
admitted, 'if she hadn't, I'm sure our marriage would have ended
long ago.'"
Stated simply, benevolent blindness is the idea that married
couples should always be benevolently blind to each other's
imperfections.
Brent continues: "One of the things I have appreciated most
about Margaret is that she, like Patti, has nearly perfected this
notion. She keeps her eyes half closed to my imperfections (leaving
them slightly open so that she can see to pick up my dirty socks, if
I have forgotten to put them into the hamper, and so forth). And
taking things a step further, she doesn't make me pay for these
imperfections, whatever they might be. Believe me, her benevolent
approach is like magic and works miracles in our marriage."
It has been said that we should marry someone who inspires us
to grow and improve at our own choice. If you are the partner who
is practicing "long-suffering" (something that applies to each of us
at different times in our marriages), try quietly encouraging, not
nagging, and then pray that your partner will become sensitive to the
need to improve.
On one occasion we visited with some friends about the concept
of benevolent blindness, and the woman, who is very bright and
articulate, quipped: "There is another concept couples should

82
incorporate, and that is what I call discriminatory deafness. My
husband and I have learned that when one of us speaks an unkind
word (whether the comment was intentional or not), we try not to
take what is said personally. We have often talked of our going deaf
to an inappropriately expressed thought or emotion, and we feel it
has saved us from a great deal of conflict."
None of us will make it on this journey called matrimony
without having our feelings hurt, or, on the other hand, without
hurting our companion's feelings.
Benevolent blindness and discriminatory deafness, when
practiced by both partners simultaneously, can have incredible
impact on the quality and satisfaction of the relationship.

Though Problems May Arise

As mentioned earlier, there are times for all couples when

situations arise that cause emotional pain or discomfort for one or
both partners. This is called life. It would be nothing short of
impossible for two people from different backgrounds, and therefore
different expectations, to travel the road of life without running into
obstacles, roadblocks and hazards that create frustration and pain.

While this isn't a startling revelation, unfortunately some couples

become resigned to their pain and simply decide to stick it out.
They do this because (a) they have made a promise to stay married,
(b) they don't want to admit social failure, or (c) they determine to
remain in an unsatisfactory relationship because of the children.

Reflective Retrenching

Is it reasonable to believe that divorce and tolerance are the only

two solutions to a troubled relationship? No, there is another
alternative. We call this option reflective retrenching. This is the
process of getting away from the children for an hour, a day, a
weekend, or even longer, if necessary. Once away, a husband and
wife are free to consider what is blocking the relationship, what

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barriers may be inhibiting the relationship, or what is causing the
pain-ridden emotions that either or both partners may be
experiencing. It is a time to get to the root of the problem without
blaming or manipulating each other, and then determining how to
remedy the situation.
We have identified several barriers to emotional intimacy that
seem to reoccur in marriages.
Perhaps you are at your wit's end. You may even be
contemplating a divorce. Or, maybe your marriage is intact, but you
just don't feel a closeness to your partner anymore. Whatever the
reason for your despair, the following information may help you
reverse your collision course and begin your marriage anew.

Barriers to Emotional Intimacy

Barrier Number One

Your marriage has become a flat tire. All of the "air" has gone
out of it, and moving forward seems impossible. You feel very
discouraged about your marriage and are perhaps even in a state of
total despair. There doesn't seem to be much hope.
We suggest to those of you to whom this sounds all too familiar
that where there was once air, air can rise again. We honestly
believe what was stated at the beginning of this book; that if two
people love each other when they marry (in other words, there is
lots of air), and if they both remain true to their shared values , that
marriage need never end in divorce.
You can begin to re-inflate your marital tire by acting as though
there is still oxygen in your marriage. Act as though emotions and
feelings of love exist. This cannot be done with a critical eye, but
must be done with 100 percent effort on both parts—and, of course,
with benevolent blindness. This is not to say that you won't have a
bad day once in a while. Rekindling feelings of love is a process,
not an event or a commitment. But the commitment to act as
though you feel the emotions you no doubt felt during courtship will
be a beginning. By being blind to the weaknesses of your spouse,

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or in your relationship, it is possible to recapture that which was
once beautiful and alive.

Deutch 's Law of Reciprocity

Professional counselors and marriage advisors refer to a

principle know as Deutch 's Law. Applied to marriage, it is: "The
more we act in a certain way, the more our partner will act in that
same way."
This law has two components: the ripple effect and the
restoration effect. The ripple effect is stated above. The restoration
effect comes into play when those around us model our good
behavior, thus reinforcing our actions and encouraging us to
perpetuate the same behavior.
The more one partner displays loving behavior (even though that
behavior may at first seem awkward and contrived), the more the
other partner responds by acting in the same way. This can only
cause an escalation of loving emotions and loving events in the
marriage.

Barrier Number Two

The second barrier occurs when a person does not feel accepted
by his or her partner (which is emotional rejection), regardless of the
love displayed and the loving behavior shared.
A feeling of rejection causes some of the deepest pain a person
can experience, and it is not easily dealt with. Too often, when a
person rejects his or her partner, it is because of personal selfishness
and/or unrighteousness.
Selfishness can destroy even what may have been a strong
marriage. Couples who are moving forward in their relationship are
those who have learned to put in more than they expect to draw out
— an attribute that is admittedly challenging to develop and even
harder to maintain. But until a husband and wife agree to throw
away the ledger wherein they keep track of every misunderstanding
and mistake, a couple must realize that no two people have the same

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needs for love and that needs can be met in different ways.
Don't make your partner feel guilty when his or her needs are
different from yours; neither should you feel rejection when your
needs are different than his or hers. Learn to think of your
companion— his or her needs, desires, feelings, and so forth— first.
Betrayal in . marriage is perhaps the greatest facilitator in
breaking up a once harmonious home. If either you or your partner
need to confess a violation of your marriage vows, then for your
marriage's sake, do it!
One of the basic principles of our society is agency. Even
though it is difficult to continue to endure, some individuals
sometimes must live with their pain until their spouse decides to
excise his or her own pain—usually through confessing and leaving
behind former transgressions through whatever means your minister
or pastor advises.
Violating marital vows is not the only cause of rejection. This
can also occur when a person feels a gradual reduction of feelings
of attraction to his or her spouse. This sometimes occurs when the
partner's metabolism changes at mid life and extra pounds, chins and
inches appear.
We think of two good friends, a husband and wife, who both put
on a few pounds and added some inches as they moved through
their early fifties. We remember visiting with this man on one
occasion. He remarked that it didn't matter to him how heavy his
wife was, even though they were walking together each evening and
were making an effort to take better care of their bodies. What was
important was their acceptance of each other and the way they were.
One friend defines perfection as being whoever and whatever his
wife is. He applies this definition to all areas of their relationship.
What a healthy implementation of benevolent blindness!
Another friend says about her marriage of over twenty years: "In
our intimate life, my husband always makes me feel as though I am
the most desirable woman ever. He never notices the physical flaws;
or if he does, he doesn't mention them. I hope I do the same for
him, although he doesn't have many flaws that I have found."
There is much to learn from these couples and from their

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approach to their changing circumstances. The reward for each of
these individuals is that their companions find great satisfaction and
fulfillment in marriage because they do not sense rejection or receive
criticism from their spouses.

Barrier Number Three

If the romance starts to leave the marriage, there is a tendency,

which is also a trap, for a person to begin to dwell on who their
partner isn't. The experience of one couple illustrates this point.
Margaret begins to tell this story from her perspective:

Several years ago we were living in Arizona. We lived near

a beautiful, older couple who had been married for twenty-seven
years. Not long after we had moved into the area, Brent was
asked to counsel with this couple, who we'll refer to as James
and Dorothy. Although I was unaware of it, they were on the
verge of a divorce.
Brent began to work with them. He tried everything he
knew from his training, and nothing seemed to encourage this
couple to want to continue as husband and wife. Finally, just
before we were to move from the area, Brent got an idea.
He spent the next several evenings on an oil painting of the
religious chapel where this couple had been married just a few
years earlier. In the foreground Brent painted a large cactus
with a glazed donut on one of the quills. He then had the
painting framed, took it to their home, and brazenly hung it on
their living room wall. They thanked him for the gift, though
Brent was sure he saw Dorothy wince as he put the painting on
her wall. Then James saw the donut.
"What in the world is that?" he exclaimed, pointing directly
to the unusual cactus.
"What does it look like?" Brent countered, enjoying the
moment.
"Looks like a donut to me," Dorothy stated, her brow
furrowed.

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 "You're right, Dorothy," Brent replied. "It is a donut, and
I painted it especially for you."
"For me?" Dorothy questioned, pointing to herself.
"It's the least I could do," Brent said, pausing to allow their
puzzled expressions to linger. "Dorothy, that donut represents
James, as seen from your eyes. Up until now, whenever you
have thought of James all you have seen is his 'holes'. You've
concentrated on all the things he 'isn't'. From now on,
whenever you see that donut, you will be reminded to see who
he is. Let's consider just a few things. James has not missed a
day's work for over twenty-five years. He has never been
unfaithful to you. He is as trustworthy as any man I have
known. I really believe that if you begin to dwell on his
attributes, rather than on his weaknesses, your marriage fire will
rekindle to its original flame."
Four years passed, and we were living where Brent was
pursuing his doctoral studies. One Monday evening the doorbell
rang. Standing in the doorway were James and Dorothy. No
sooner had the door opened than James swooped Dorothy
down, planted his lips on hers, and took her breath away in a
kiss that lasted for what seemed like hours. After observing this
passionate display, we invited them in and learned that, after
thirty-two years of marriage, they were taking a second
honeymoon.
When asked what had changed things, Dorothy smiled and
said, "Why, the donut, of course. It was Brent's crazy donut."
It was hard to tell who was happier, James or Brent.

The moral of the story is clear: Look for donuts rather than the
holes. Or, in other words, look for what's in your relationship, not
what's missing. Cologne and perfume will be purchased in great
abundance thereafter.
One woman, after becoming acquainted with the "donut" story,
said: "I had a great experience in collecting donuts a few years ago.
I got a piece of paper and pen and then began to write down the
traits I had grown to love and appreciate in my husband. As it

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turned out, I filled both sides of the paper. I wrote these traits in my
personal journal so that I could save these donuts through time.
Then I wrote a love note to my husband and specifically told him
what I appreciated about him and why I loved him so much."
We can each go on a donut search, looking for the qualities we
appreciate in and love about our mate. When we are intently
looking, these qualities become more apparent.

Barrier Number Four

An unresolved negative experience from youth, where either

mental or physical abuse occurred, can create barriers to intimacy.
It is difficult to understand those adults who betray their trust by
abusing children in some fashion. But it happens. And if a person
has experienced some form of abuse—emotional, physical, and so
forth—-during childhood, it is possible for that person to later
experience a kind of emotional paralysis during marriage and find it
difficult to open up and trust another person in marriage, a setting
that demands trust.
One friend explains:

/ don 7 know when dad began to abuse two of us, but we

each carried our own secret into our own marriages. From the
time we were little, dad would tuck us into bed. When the lights
were out, he would physically abuse us, all the time whispering
that we could never tell. And we didn 7 tell. That is, not until
the two of us talked one day and shared the distrust we both felt
in our intimate expressions that we had for our husbands. I
told my sister that I was repulsed by any man 's touch, and the
conversation went from there.
This was difficult for us to deal with, but we both went back
to our husbands and told all. We lived in the same area, and
so the next Sunday the four of us visited our minister and told
him. Unfortunately, Dad had died two years earlier, but still
we prayed for strength to forgive him.
One of the happiest days for our family took place a year

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 later. After getting rid of all the anger and betrayal, and after
having professional counseling for our own marriages, we
spent a very special forgiving" evening together. We each
ha\>ea sense of peace now, and we are now able to open up and
trust in our own marriages. It has been a long road, but for us
it has been worth every minute of it.

If you find yourself inhibited in and perhaps even blocking out

emotional as well as physical intimacy, perhaps these feelings stem
from experiences you had during childhood. Abuse comes in
various forms—physical, mental, and emotional. All leave their
mark.
If this is the case, go to your religious leader and rid yourself of
this guilt. Persons who live with the memory of being sexually
abused as a child, for example, usually feel at least partially
responsible and guilty about the experience. Some carry the guilt
for years because they didn't know how to stop it once the abusive
behavior began.
If someone abused you, you will be doing that individual a favor
by also going to their appropriate ecclesiastical leader and by sharing
the misdeed with that religious steward.
While this could be the most difficult decision you will ever
make, it is the only way for you to heal and grow, and it is also the
only way for the individual concerned to be given the opportunity
to repent and move ahead with life.
The payoff for you will be the removal of hatred and anger that
you have probably been carrying for years. You will begin to see
the person who abused you as having a form of cancer rather than
as someone who is evil. The ultimate payoff, of course, will be the
enhanced nature of your own marriage relationship.

Barrier Number Five

Another barrier to intimacy can stem from a feeling of distrust

from previous inappropriate expectations and/or behavior on the
part of your spouse.

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 Couples often wonder just what is appropriate in terms of the
way they express love to each other. The answer is really quite
simple. It requires establishing sexual boundaries— a value-laden
foundation—then being true to that foundation.
One of the greatest mistakes individuals make, especially in the
area of physical intimacy in marriage, is a year-in and year-out
toleration of behavior that is inappropriate or undesirable. If you are
unable to convince your partner that you are uncomfortable with
part of your intimate moments, you should feel free to visit either a
therapist, or your ecclesiastical leader.
When we first married, we pledged to totally respect the feelings
and wishes of each other. That commitment has governed the way
we interact with each other physically. Your partner does not own
you, nor does he or she have the option of taking you somewhere
you don't want to go. Love cannot blossom if it is not built upon
the foundation of trust and mutual respect.

Barrier Number Six

Closely related to barrier number five, this barrier involves a

propensity, usually on the part of the husband, to be involved in
pornography. In the age of Internet pornography this is especially
accessible and evasive. This problem is almost always a leftover
from indulgent behavior as a teenager and is extremely
destructive—both to the mental wholeness of the individual as well
as to the intimacy of the couple.
Pornography can have stifling effects on a marriage relationship.
The person so addicted obtains unreal expectations of intimacy in
general and of his partner specifically. Pornography addiction can
ruin marriage. It's as simple, yet as deadly, as that.
If you, or your partner, suffer from the illness of addiction to
pornography, either visit immediately with your ecclesiastical leader,
or seek professional help. There are those who claim that such
activity actually enhances marital intimacy. But that is a lie, and is
a destructive relationship tool of the first order!
True intimacy will never take place while one of the partners is

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involved in pornography. Pornography addiction is just that—an
addiction every bit as debilitating as some forms of drug abuse. If
professional counseling is required, don't hesitate to seek it.
As a caution to the spouse of one involved in pornography, it is
essential to know that the use of such literature [or visual images on
the Internet] can lead to a real illness. A supportive, noncritical
spouse can be of great assistance in helping someone remove this
cancer from their system.

Barrier Number Seven

Another barrier that can impede the progress of intimacy is the

feeling that the relationship is not equal—that one partner does most
of the giving, while the other does most of the taking.
Brent explains: "I truly think that we men are the weaker sex.
We are more inclined to selfishness and to false pride, and we seem
to develop the notion that equality is merely a buzz word not really
to be taken seriously."
Margaret gives her viewpoint: "Marriage is not equal. I honestly
believe that women do have the most difficult roles. That is perhaps
why Brent feels we are not the weaker sex—we simply don't take
time to relax or even rest when we are ill. Being a wife and mother
means someone always needs you, and you want to be there for
them. I think that most women understand our differentness and the
consuming nature of our tasks. I also think that the thing we value
most is knowing that our husbands are sensitive to our needs and
that they make an effort to lend their support whenever possible,
even though their involvement with home and children will probably
never equal that of our own."
Someone once said that you cannot tie a knot in a fifty-fifty
relationship, and we have found this to be true. While we do not
keep score with who does what for whom, we are both aware of
trying to meet the needs of the other. Couples who do not make
this discovery ultimately find themselves in the rocky and murky
grounds of divorce.
There are different seasons in each of our lives. One partner

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may carry a greater load, from time to time, in the relationship.
We have often joked about titling one of the chapters of this
book "Equally Yoked or Forever Choked." We haven't, though,
because we know that unless a couple develops equality in their
relationship the choking will finally stop—either through death, or
on the divorce courthouse steps.
We have each been reared differently and have had different role
models. As a result, each of us must be willing to learn, to look, and
to listen to each other's ways. We then need to work together to
form our own working models that are equally fulfilling to each of
us.

Barrier Number Eight

A barrier develops when we maintain a marriage on a superficial,

exchange basis. Too many couples who are struggling to survive
keep score and give only when they receive. In addition, some
individuals perform loving acts for their partner simply to prove they
are better, or to store up points to be reserved for the next
disagreement.
The partners who limit their relationship to an exchange of this
nature never experience altruistic acts of love. They never allow
charitable acts to surface, and so their relationship does not deepen
and take root in the fertile soil of charity, empathy, and love.
The following demonstrates this point:

Has our marriage ever changed! Several years ago, when

I was on the verge of leaving my wife and our three beautiful
children, we decided to get away for the weekend and make the
decision once and for all what our future would be.
We arranged for a baby-sitter, spent several silent hours
driving to who-knows-where, and finally stopped for the night.
Our dinner at the restaurant was likewise silent, with each of us
thinking about how poorly our companion treated the other in
our marriage.
When we got to our room, we sat down around a table and

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 in the next four hours we experienced most, if not all, of the
emotions brown to man. We learned more about each other,
and the way we had treated each other, than either of us had
previously known.
The bottom-line came when I asked my wife why she always
had a string attached to our being intimate. She surprised me
when she said that her string was her only defense, that she
thought I wasn 7 really concerned about her as a woman, but
just someone to be with. We then talked about how we were
always having to get something in order to give something.
And finally, we both decided to change. At that moment we
slipped to our knees, vowed to not keep score with each other
again, and resolved to make our marriage work.
And it has worked. We are now totally immersed in each
other 's love, and we get a very queasy feeling whenever we
think of how close we came to losing each other and our
family.

Barrier Number Nine

Sometimes dutiful wives strive to be such super women that

they rob the husband of equal status in the home, thus causing the
husband to become emotionally paralyzed in the relationship.
Male paralysis sets in when a husband is so doted on that he
feels unwelcome to participate in the home life. For instance, the
wife sees to it that her husband always comes home to a clean house
and delicious meals. The children are under control, and she always
manages to greet her husband with a big smile and a passionate kiss.
We're not suggesting that the woman should not make her
husband's pathway bright when he returns from work each evening.
What we are suggesting is that when a woman successfully plays the
role of the perfect homemaker, resentment can build in the
husband's mind as he begins to feel like an intruder, unable to pitch
in and be part of the daily household activities. A man needs to be
needed!
A friend of ours told us about her experience. She supported

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her husband through law school, worked full-time for years, and yet
always saw to it that he had the red carpet treatment when he
returned home each day. This unintentional "over-doting" began to
grate on him until finally they separated and planned for divorce.
Luckily, a short time later they realized what the problems were.
They are now back together, with the husband contributing to the
Cub Scout activities, the lawn care, and any other activity he has
time for.
This woman reflects:

For years I assumed all of the domestic responsibilities,

thinking that I was providing the perfect home for my husband.
He began to emotionally withdraw, however, until we both
found that we had little to share with each other. We both
thought our companion had lost their love for us, and so we
agreed to a trial separation.
During our separation we discovered that I had actually
wedged my husband out of feeling apart of our home. We have
a lot of habits to break, but we are now in the process of
rediscovering our love for each other.
As an example of how I now treat my husband, I might
tactfully (and I hope with the right timing) ask him to put the
groceries away after we have been shopping. I have learned to
simply say, 'Thank you, dear "after he has completed the task
rather than saying, 'Thank you, dear, for helping me. " The
'helping me "phrase somehow caused my husband to think he
was being asked to do something that was really not his
responsibility, and that in fact he was doing me a favor. I now
feel more secure because I know my husband cares and loves
me because of his efforts, and he feels good about his
involvement because I have allowed him to contribute to the
relationship. That, to us, is the crux of making a true intimate
relationship.

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Barrier Number Ten

We don't always recognize that being equal is not the same as

being the same. A feeling of emotional equality must exist in
marriage if that marriage is to last. Even so, men and women are
not the same—and complementarity is valid and healthy.
Not long ago Brent was reminded of the words to a Neil
Diamond song:

She was morning, and I was night time.

I was lonely, in need of someone —
You are the sun, I am the moon,
You are the words, I am the tune —play me.

While the world is shouting about how men and women are the
same, it's nice to hear words that echo truth. A solid marriage
relationship is one that is complementary in nature, where the
expectations are different for each partner. Both are half a wheel,
and by becoming one whole are able to move steadily forward,
always discovering new and exciting horizons in their marriage.

CONCLUSION

We don't claim that this listing of "barriers" is all-inclusive. But

we hope these concepts may give you guidance in understanding the
things that can limit the intimacy you achieve with your partner.
If, after working with your partner, there are issues that you are
unable to resolve, we suggest that you contact a professional
marriage counselor. Seeking counseling is not an admission of
failure, and whether it be for refining your methods of
communicating or dealing with severe sexual problems, counselors
are equipped to provide valuable and timely assistance. If you feel
that you simply can't afford the fees of a counselor, let us suggest
that perhaps you can't afford not to afford to see one. It could be
one of the most significant phone calls you will make.
Emotional intimacy in marriage creates oneness; and being "one"

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allows intimacy to flow naturally from the foundation of
spontaneity. Being in love is not an adequate license for intimacy,
but being physically and emotionally intimate, within the bounds of
marriage, is a vehicle that leads to knowing and understanding true
love.

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 8
Spiritual Intimacy

God has set the type of marriage everywhere

throughout the creation. Every creature seeks its
perfection in another. The very heavens and earth
picture it to us, Luther

Introduction

Spiritual intimacy is spirit-to-spirit communication that

transcends other forms of oneness. It is a union among three
partners—a man, a woman, and their God. This union appears most
powerfully in the act of procreation, but includes the marvelous
bonding and unifying aspects, as well.
Without apology, this book is written from a value system
forged in the belief that the highest intimacy includes the Supreme
Being. This intimacy supercedes all the other forms, and it can be
yours if you so choose.
Spiritual intimacy is the 'Crown Jewel' of relationship oneness,
the most treasured gem of all. It gives a taste of heaven here on
earth. It's really true that 'Love makes the world go around.' It's

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the cherry on top, the summon bcmum of all the facets of intimacy.
Most of the music written over the centuries is dedicated to the
power of love, as musicians try to express the unspeakable joys and
pains associated with love. Listen closely to the words as you play
love songs. Just to name a few: "You're the meaning in my life,
you're my inspiration. . . ." "Love and marriage go together like a
horse and carriage." "You light up my life. ..."
The electricity that flies through the air where there is a spiritual
connection is like the power that surges when a multi-breaker is
switched on. Hearts connect, light increases, and peace abounds.
Each home has a distinct spirit. Those couples who walk the
upper path together, create a home wherein the spirit of peace
resides. As you know, it is a joy to enter such a home, and to feel
the intimacy that partners, and their children, thrive on.

Many Paths to Spiritual Oneness

One woman shares the perspective she and her husband have
with respect to faith and marriage:

My husband and I do not belong to a specific religious

faith; nor are we Christians like many of our friends. We do
believe in God, however, and we pray to Him daily. We \e
reared our two children to do the same, and while one of them
has declared themselves with a particular sect, the other (and
their spouse) is not considered any less.
Of greatest importance, our two children are now married
and with small families of their own. These children are
learning to rely upon God, and to be true to their values.
That 's the main thing—having values that include prayer,
trust, dialogue about God, and of course treating each other in
a way that invites closeness. We couldn 't be more unified as a
family, and it all began with how my husband and I began our
marriage with reliance on a loving, caring God.

This woman and her family do much to offset the lack of moral

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leadership in today's society. A couple cannot hope to have
spiritual intimacy when one, or both, move in and out of the
boundaries of behavior they've established as acceptable.
You have seen the pain that hardens the hearts of great people
who turn from their partners and families. You have also observed
them create convenient rationalizations for their immorality and/or
relationship compromises. Such justifications merely gloss over the
pain and despair these errant partners have in their hearts.
On the other hand, many couples express spiritual intimacy by
feeling that they are 'soul-mates'. These couples protect themselves
from outside intrusions, and invest constant time and energy in
enlarging the "soul" of their relationship.
A friend named Cheryl enjoys spiritual intimacy with her
husband, even several years after his death. She shares. "I look
forward to being reunited with Mick someday and having our family
all together again."
Cheryl has an unusual story to tell. She met, fell in love, and
married Mick, a quadriplegic. Again she relates: "He couldn't even
breathe on his own. He couldn't do the things I would have loved
doing with my sweetheart. He couldn't play one-on-one basketball
or take walks with me, work in the garden or hike the mountain
trails. Even so, we felt a spiritual closeness as we had deep
discussions, and shared heart-to-heart our testimony and faith in
each other and in Christ. Even though we couldn't make things
better while he was here, we lived with the hope that there was a
better life to come. We dreamed the impossible dream, and now in
my hours of loneliness without Mick, I hang on to that dream."

Two Types of Sorrow

When individuals are "caught" violating their marriage vows,

they are experiencing one of two types of sorrow. In both instances,
there is sadness, and hearts are bleeding.

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 Sorrow for misbehavior, if properly managed
and responded to, can lead to new levels of spiritual
intimacy in a committed, charactered relationship.

The first type of sorrow is the sorrow of the "damned." People

who have this sadness appear angry with those who reveal their
value-betraying behavior. This anger ripples out into all their
relationships including extended family and friends. Bitterness
weakens the relationship, often to the point of alienation. Self-
betrayers will withdraw and refrain from interacting with friends and
family. Fear grips their heart, and anger spews out of their mouth.
Tempers flare, wounds deepen, and erosion accelerates. Until this
person begins to accept responsibility for his actions, then changes
his self-inflicting behavior, intimacy cannot hope to exist.
The second type of sorrow— that which invites a restoration of
intimacy— is sorrow unto God-like repentance. This person, while
privately and/or publically acknowledging his mistake to his partner
and their God, resolves to make amends. And then he does.
Regaining trust in a marriage is a process, not an event, and is
earned one day at a time. When both partners work together with
forgiving hearts, looking forward with hope, not dwelling on past
mistakes, vows can be re-made. Such new beginnings breathe life
back into a marriage, and can lead to a happy ending.

The Golden and Platinum Rules

Christ, in the Sermon on the Mount, implores us to live the

golden rule—that is, to do unto others as we would have them do
unto us.
An additional rule, one that has only recently been articulated,
is the platinum rule. It states that we should do unto others as we
perceive they would like us to do unto them. It is a rule that
involves empathy—considering the feelings of those with whom we

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interact. In marriage, and in all relationships, we would do well to
live both of these rules and enjoy the fruits thereof.

Three Measurements for a Happy Marriage

One model couple is Dallin and June Oaks. Oaks is a former

member of the Supreme Court in the state where he lives. In her
sixties, June recently passed away with cancer. Her death was
accompanied by great sadness, for she had made an impact on so
many lives. Together, she and her husband exuded a love that was
based on a life of loyalty and trust.
In 1989, Oaks wrote a book titled, Pure In Heart (Bookcraft,
Inc.) In the first pages of this book, he described the three
ingredients of the inner man. These include (1) motives, (2)
desires, and (3) attitude. This book helps us understand why people
in general do what they do (their motives), what they want to do
(their desires), and the spirit in which they conduct themselves (their
attitude).
As couples, we can look deep down inside and evaluate our own
motives, desires and attitude. Couples who govern their actions
with integrity are those whose marriages achieve intimacy, thereby
withstanding the storms of life.
When people are able to internalize these three qualities, they
become charactered by authenticating their behavior to each other.
They are able to think and live in a manner consistent with their
values, and they do so from the inside. . .out. This mastery not only
allows joy to exist within the paradigm of charactered intimacy, but
eagerly encourages it!

Total Union

Another couple, Jeffrey and Patricia Holland, are friends and

colleagues of Dallin and June Oaks. As president of a large
privately-held university, Holland spoke to the student body on the
subject of intimacy the same year Oaks' Pure In Heart was
published. The following is an excerpt from that talk:

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 "I would also suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical
union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol
that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man
and a woman is—or certainly was ordained to be—a symbol of total
union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their
family, their future, their everything (On Earth As It Is in Heaven,
Deseret Book Co., 1989).

According to Holland, and true to the theme of this book, total

union—and therefore intimacy—is possible between a man and
woman. It does demand sanctity, for it is holy. It is elevated to the
level of procreating, forming the very breath of life in another human
being.

A Deeply Spiritual Beginning

Margaret reflects upon one of our early discoveries: "Though

this experience is sacred to us, Brent and I feel it appropriate to
relate a moment of our first night as husband and wife. As we
prepared to retire, we knelt in prayer so that the Lord could be
included in our marriage. We held hands, and Brent offered our first
family prayer. My heart swelled as I listened to his words, savoring
the memory of our marriage ceremony just hours earlier.
"Brent then said something I wasn't expecting. He prayed for
our expressions of intimacy. At that time, the two of us pledged to
never abuse the procreative power that was ours, but to elevate our
expression to its intended lofty position."
Years have passed since our first prayer, and with their passing
have come challenges we could have never anticipated. Ofttimes
these have been moments of frustration, resulting from poor
communicating. At other times, they have been monumental
intrusions as we were forced to steel ourselves against poor
decisions we had made. Still, at all times we have remained true to
our early vows. Our relationship authenticity has become the glue
that has enabled us to ennoble our marriage. Outside distractions
have not penetrated our resolve, nor will they in the future.

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 CONCLUSION

The crowning facet of intimacy is spiritual, where true oneness

flourishes. The foundations of intimacy, as shared in Part One, as
well as the facets of intimacy in Part Three, build upon being
intimately in touch with each other's thoughts, emotions, and spirit.
It is our hope, as authors, that by having shared our personal
thoughts and impressions—as well as the expressions of friends—you
will have increased resolve to build intimacy in your most significant
relationships.
It is also our desire that the ideas shared in this book will serve
as a springboard to intimate discussions, then growth, for you and
your partner. Take every opportunity to develop and cherish
intimacy in your life. Correct bad habits, renew your vows, and
forgive and forget disquieting moments of the past. Begin anew,
treating each other with increased kindness, and with a resolve to
serve one other in the highest manner possible. Be your partner's
greatest cheerleader, and help them believe in themselves, in you,
and in your combined partnership with God.
Finally, we wish you happiness—with every opportunity for
treasured closeness. After all, intimacy cherished—and intimacy
nourished— is the real stuff life is made of!

105
To order additional product or information such
as books, tapes, videos or speaking engagements,
please contact: www.TheLincolnInstitute.com
 About the Authors

Brenton and Margaret Yorgasonhave lec-

tured extensively
in the area of marriage and
the family. Previous to this writing, they co-
ithored Sacred Intimacy, the forerunner to
lis book, as well as a fictional account of King
Arthur and his Camelot family titled, Dirty
Socksand Shining Armor.
An accomplishedviolinist,for the past ten
^arsMargarethas servedas vice presidentand
managerof the All-City Children'sOrchestra.
She has also co-authored twelve clip-art and
children'sstory coloringbooks.
Brenton receiveda PhD in family studies,
with a doctoral minor in marriage and family
therapy.After sixteenyearsas a practicingther-
apist,
is now
he a personallife quality coach.A
member of the National SpeakersAssociation,
he is nationally renowned as a motivational
relationship-expert keynote speaker. He has
founded The Lincoln Institute for this pur-
pose, awith
central theme of MIND MAS-
TERING—
Experiencing Change from the
Inside Out. Brenton has authored or co-
authored over sixty books, with total sales
exceeding one million copies. His newest
release, Paradise Creek—A Love Story that
will Capture YourHeart is now availablefor
purchase.
Brenton and Margaret are active in their
church and community affairs.They are the
parents of seven sons and two daughters, and
are thoroughly captivated by their first three
grandchildren.

CoverPhotographby RegalStudios
 BRENT ON

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