"Mom! I almost got hit by a car!

" I say smiling as

I'm calling my mother.

My mother has always been the kind of mom

who is very caring and kind of panicky. That’s
why I am the kind of person I am right now,
carefree and calm.

This caring personality is the reason we are so

close. I trust her with my life and she knows
how to treat it well. So while I know this news
will make her very worried, I still feel the need
to tell her. And as expected, she answers,

“What?? Runa! You really should be more

careful!” Hearing that I chuckle and reassure
her that I’m fine and that I’m on my way to the
train.

One other thing to say right now is that I really

hate this place, the station, the train, the people
here, all of it. This place has always given me
anxiety, but yet, I have no choice since this is
the easiest way to get home.

1
Law school has been really hard on me lately.
So many case studies and trial simulations;
therefore even more case studies. I truly am
lucky that I like to read, because if not, I
would’ve been so dead. That is why I could
never be more happy about this break.

The Netherlands and the UK are not that far

apart, and I figure that I’m going to enjoy the
view and the music while I’m on the train
anyways. This is the only reason I still choose
the train rather than the airplane, other than
the fare of course. But here’s the thing,
the station today is a bit weird,
everybody is just.... weird. No one’s in a hurry,
no mother is screaming at their child, it’s not
quiet, but it’s not loud. I like it... kind of, but it’s
so uneasy.

2
 Still feeling weird, I arrive at my train. The train
is like those old trains you see in the movies, the
dark wood interior and all, giving a very
sophisticated vibe. I’m walking to my seat and
there’s these kids running around, I almost
bumped into them.

I also see a few people talking to each other. My

head just thinks,
“Nothing special today I guess.”

So I find my seat, and while I am putting my stuff

to their respective places, I notice a woman
looking at me from the chair beside me. She is
wearing a white crochet top with some jeans.
Basic but stylish in my opinion. Her gaze is not
that of something intimidating, but of a more
curious gaze. She seems to be fixated on me.
Weirdly, I neither feel uncomfortable nor
weirded out. I only feel curiosity towards her. So,
I decide to walk towards her slowly. That is
when I realized that she looks exactly like me.

3
 “Eum, excuse me? Why are you staring at me?”

“Oh hi, sorry. I was just....” her voice just trails

off. She looks as if she’s thinking about what she
should say “I’m you! Well you’re 22, I’m 21. I was
tasked to tell you what to do. You’re dead Runa.
The car actually killed you,” she continues with a
bright smile on her face.

She’s me? She’s the 21 year old me? I say quietly,

“Then she must be drunk right now.” Wait- I’m
dead?

“Dead? By car accident? What? But I just called

my mom. Who was I talking to just now? But...
What about my school? My family? My friends?
My mom,” my voice grows more and more
hoarse as I can process what she just told me. So
I take a deep breath, “So what now?”

“Right! So, they said you still have some

unresolved issues, and that’s why you and I are
here.” She stays quiet once again until she says,
“Just go explore and figure it out.”
5
There she goes, just like that. I was completely
flabbergasted at what just happened. I am
questioning just what kind of instructor she is.
Then I realize that she is my 21 year old self
and it just clicks all in the right places.

After that realization, I make my way to the

front of the train. I see someone familiar
sitting quietly while listening to music. Me in
my favorite shirt 5 years ago. My 17 year old
self. I used to love this niche Y2K one shoulder
shirt with a butterfly on it and right now my 17
year old self is wearing it with a white layered
fluffy maxi skirt that I made myself. I
remember being so proud of it and I still am.

I still remember what I was like back then. Still

as stressed out because of the same reason,
school. Assignments and tests left and right.
But somehow, the Runa I'm looking at right
now looks so calm and peaceful. With that, I
go to her and call her attention with a gentle
tap on her shoulder.

"Hey."
6
 "Hi,” she looks at me with wide eyes as if
surprised and confused, but after a moment
she calms down. “Which one are you?" she
said while removing her headphones from her
ears.

I’m surprised. I wasn’t expecting this reaction.

She isn’t overly excited nor scared to be
seeing her future self. Yet she just calmly
asked "which one am I."

So I answer, "I'm 21 now. You're 17 right?" I

ask, matching her calm energy.
“Yeah, how did you know?” She looks once
again calm. “Is it the shirt?”

I smile in response. She knows, I mean, of

course she does. That shirt only lasted for a
year and I wore it almost everyday.

7
 So I sit beside her and says, “Do we have
something unfinished?”

She looks a bit confused hearing this question,

“No... I think.” I guess she doesn’t know about
what I need to do to get out of here.

“Well thanks anyway,” I say while standing up,

“I miss that shirt by the way.” As a touchy
person I touched her shoulder as a way to say
goodbye, but instead I find myself feeling all
sorts of feelings. Feeling confused I sit back
down, but see no point in that.

And so I rise up from my seat and continue to

walk towards the front of the train. There I see
a lot of kids. They are just running around
looking happy. Except one, I don’t recognize
her, but I recognize all the other kids. She is
still me, but not a me that I remember. She
looks sad and isolated, which confuses me
since all my childhood I remember to be happy
and cheerful.

8
 This confusion leads to me walking towards
her and quietly say, “Hi, how old are you?”

She looks up at me and the shock I feel when I

can basically feel how hurt this child is. Her
eyes are tired and scared and upon closer
inspection, her body is fully bruised. Reminds
her of the scars she has throughout her body.
Child me opens her mouth and says, “I’m ten.”

Ten? What happened when I was ten? I'm

trying to remember, but I can't. What did I do
on my birthday? What did we do on everyone's
birthday? I'm so confused.

Remembering what happened with 17 year old

me, and I want to try it now. So I try to reach
for her shoulder acting like I'm trying to
console her. And as I feel contact with her I
feel a rush of so many different emotions.
Sadness, fear, helplessness, stress, anger, and
betrayal is what I feel right now.

9
My mind is hazy and without much realization, I
shed a tear. I don't know what 10 year old me
just let me feel.

With me feeling so lost and disoriented I can

only blurt out a, “What happened to you?” My
face is lost, wide eyes and worried eyebrows.

She didn’t lift her face, all I hear is, “Henry,” in

her small and scared voice.

Henry? Who is Henry? I have never met a Henry

in all my life. Henry? My head hurts. Henry. That
name, it’s weird. That name gives me shivers but
yet I don’t know why. I can still hear 10 year old
me muttering the name Henry and that is when
it hit me. Old memories start to play in my mind.
What are these memories? I’ve never seen them
before. I’ve never experienced them before.
Henry. My old neighbor who moved in to the
house next to mine. I think I remember him now.
He has blonde hair, quite tall, a few years older
than me, maybe 5, and he was a jock.

10
 His family approached mine when they moved
in, they say they wanted to get to know their
neighbors. We welcomed them kindly and I grew
to like Henry. He likes to come over and he likes
to invite me over. I remember enjoying those
days. Until one day, when he invited me over like
usual, his parents weren't home and he looked
more menacing than usual. We went to his room
and he started to... I burst into tears
remembering what happened to me at only 10
years old.

He touched me.

My world starts spinning, I feel gross, I feel

scared, I stand up and start walking. I don’t know
where I’m going. All sounds disappear. That
scene just keeps repeating in my head. He
touched me. He touched me. He touched me. He
touched me. He touched me. He touched me. He
touched me. He touched me. He touched me. He
touched me. He touched me. He touched me. He
touched me.

11
Breathe. I sat back down. “I’m sorry,” that is all I
can manage to say, “I hope you can be happy
again, he’s gone now.”

I make my way to the front of the train again. I

am finally on the last cart. There’s a man in the
very front chair. I’m not a man. Who is this man?
His face looks familiar. Blonde hair, quite tall,
looks a few years older than me. Henry? Why is
he here?

13
 I stand in front of the man who raped me. Eyes
cold and trying very hard not to cry. I open my
mouth, “What are you doing here?” He stays
quiet. His face is empty, no expression, no guilt,
no sadness, no nothing. And so I ask again,
“What are you doing here?” Nothing changed.

I grow more and more anxious and angry. Being

in the same room with your rapist 12 years later
after not remembering the event for so long. My
hands are clenching hard, my eyebrows
furrowing. I ask again, angrier, screaming, “Why
are you here?!?!?” yet he doesn’t budge and I
realize that he never will. And so I let it go. I just
breathe and continue to the train door.

14
 “We are arriving at the final destination. Please
pay attention for any lost memories since you
will not be able to leave this train without it,” the
train announcement plays and I just stand there
waiting for the train to stop. I’m finally leaving
for good.

15
It is an ordinary walk to the train station
that Runa always make every summer
break to go home. But this time, she was
almost hit by a car, on the way there, but
thankfully it is simply an almost.

Or is it?