Comment

This paper makes an attempt at essay structure, but development is weak. There is
an awkwardness in sentence structure that tends to interrupt the flow. Paragraphs
are underdeveloped as they are only one or two sentences.

It was a new beginning. Everything was going on.

Things suddenly became all new. It was a shock at first but
then things started getting alright. Getting introduced to
a new school was another new beginning, new teachers,
different homework assignments and new relationships.

Going to school was not so bad since you get to meet

new people. New people usually means more good company, you
meet people that like to do things that you yourself like
to do. Getting education is important because that is what
gives you power. You usually be more successful.

Getting a job is a new beginning if you are getting

your first job. You get to earn money and get working
experience as well.

Starting new activities such as kickboxing is very

good since you are keeping yourself fit and not just
sitting around doing nothing watching t.v. eating potato
chips. Not only does it keep you fit it boosts your self-
esteem and confidence.
Comments
This paper is an honest attempt at narrative. The awkward sentence structure
interrupts the flow of the paper. Paragraphs are not logically constructed, and
vocabulary is simplistic.

I have played Lacrosse for 14 years. Nexst season I go to

Junior A the most compelative livel of Lacrosse for my age
and for Lacrosse in Canada there is more levels after
junior, but junior is more belowe and more sot after. You
play for the Minto cup wich is the oldest championship in
Canada. Write now I play intermediat A for the Burnaby
Lakers wich is were I have played all my life, but nexst
year I may not be abel to play for Burnaby. The Buranby
Junior A Lakers are the best team in Canada and have bin so
for over ten years they have won the Provincial
championship 4 times in the last ten years wich then takes
them to the Minto cup championship wich they have won more
than they have lost. They are the most sot after team in
the league and they only take to goalies to a team which I
am.

Nexst year I will try out for them, but will go in thinking
it was a new beginning If I dont make the Lakers. I hope I
do make the Lakers and I know I have a good chancse of
doing so. Write now I am in fourth place in goalie
standings in Intermediate A and I am also a Burnaby boy and
have played there all my life.
Comments
This essay has logical structure, but the student lacks a strong grasp of the
conventions of the English language. While the expression is simplistic, the narrative
voice is obvious. An attempt is made to vary sentence structure.

Have you ever experienced the turning point of your

life? I have. I am Japanese and when I was in Grade 10, I
decided to come to Vancouver in order to develope my
English ability. It was a new beginning of life in Cananda.

I have been studying English for almost 13 years thus

I didn’t straggle very hard to listen and understand
English when I arrived at Vancouver. However, because of
the way I studied in Japan, I couldn’t speak English. I
studied grammar and listening in Japan, there mainly was no
way I can talk with people in English. Whether I was good
at grammer or not, speaking ability is totally differ from
others. The talking style is more unformal, therefore I
couldn’t study in Japan, in my English class. I couldn’t
understand the meaning of “What’s up?”

There was not only English problem but also the

problem of culture difference. There are hundreds of
millions of differences in Japan and Canada’s culture but
one major difference is food. I missed rice during the
first month in Vanouver. I couldn’t very much put up with
potatos and bread at the beginning. However, the funny
thing is that human adapt to the sorrounding environmnet
very well. I have no problem with food right now.

The most great thing that happened to me in Vancouver

is I get new family. There is only homestay mother, but she
is very cheerful and so nice to me. She always helps me
when I have a problem with my homework and never complain
about it. I love her so much and she definitely makes my
life in Vancouver better.

There are so many things that happened to me since I

came to great Vancouver and I can’t mention all of them in
3 pages. Every single things were new to me and turned my
point of view 180○. I was 16 years old when I first came
here and now, I’m 18 years old. I’ve grown up and I’ll go
back to Japan for my University. There is a new beginning
of life wating for me.
Comments
A solid four paper as it meets the descriptions. The expression is simplistic. The
student uses simple vocabulary, and has some sentence errors; however, the paper
has defined paragraph structure. Errors are present, but don’t impede meaning.

It was a new beginning, new season, and a new life

style. I’ve lived up North in Alberta my whole life.
Everything was going good throughout the last few years. I
had just finished high-school, I was on the second class
honor roll, I had great friends and family, and I had just
saved up enough money to buy myself a car I’ve drem wanting
for the past year and a half since I got my licence.

I had summited my transcripts all over British

Columbia to try and get a position in the early childhood
education course i’d been dreaming about taking over the
past few years so I could work with young children. I had
finally received a letter in the mail saying I had been
accepted into the program at Kwatlen College in Langley
B.C.

A few days went by and I had decided it was time for a

start to a new beginning. I decided to move down to
Vancouver for the two years it was going to take to
complete my course. With all that, In just two months, by
the end of August I had found a basement suit not too far
from the college, and I had met a few people in the
neighborhood. That was the start to my new beginning.
Comments
This narrative is fluid but unimaginative. Expression is simplistic, but does attempt to
vary subject-verb sentence pattern. Writing errors do not dominate. The paper
demonstrates an awareness of paragraph structure

It was December 24, 2004 on a cold winter night, the

night before Christmas. Me and my family were sitting
around the fire watching Christmas movies. I had my
boyfriend of six years there to celebrate with us that
year. We watched Rudolf, and Santa is comming to town, then
as it got late, and as we finished hanging our stockings we
all fell fast asleep.

The next morning I was the first to wake up. I snuck

past everyones bedrooms to look what presents were under
the tree. As I shook them to figure out what was inside I
heard someone comming down the stairs. To my surprise it
was my boyfriend, Trevor. We said merry christmas and
hugged one another. He told me he was glad I was up for he
had a question to ask me in private. As he kneeld to the
ground he took out a ring from his robe. “Will you marry
me” he said a last. As I said yes and hugged him with joy I
knew from then on it was a new begining.

After about an hour or so of us cuddling by the fire,

my whole family was up to hear the wonderful news. Everyone
was so happy for us. We all started opening presents
thanking eachother. After all the exciment everyone decided
to get ready for Christmas dinner, as we would be going to
my grandma’s and grandpa’s in Kelowna it would be a long
drive.

As we arrived my Grandparents greeted us outside. I

showed them the ring Trevor had purchased while telling
them the exciting news. Expecting them to be unaware, my
grandma finally told me she knew all about it, and since
she and my grandpa had known they had purchased something
also and were taking us to see right away.

Before I entered the car they blindfolded us both, and

we were in the car for no more than ten minutes before we
arrived. As they unsealed our eyes, there before us was a
home for us to live in. As tears roled down my face I then
knew for shure it was a wonderful new begining.
Comments
Student responds to the topic in a conventional, yet non-engaging manner. The student attempts
to vary the sentence structure; however, the subject-verb sentence problem predominates. This is
an ordinary composition that takes little risk in structure and content.

It was a new beginning, when I moved to British Columbia

from Ontario when I was just 15. I was glad that I was
going to start over, but I had to leave most of my family
and friends behind.

When I was 15 I was living with my father. He had decided

that he wanted to move to British Columbia. I wasn’t too
happy about this decision as I would have to leave most of
my family and friends. The problem was that I had no choice
in the decision. It was hard to deal with in the beginning
but I did get used to it.

I am now 19 years of age, graduating from high school and

not living at home. I now live with my boyfriend and am as
happy as can be. When I lived with my father I would get so
depressed, started to do really bad in school, and most of
the time I wouldn’t even go. It was really tough for me. I
have now been living with my boyfriend for a year and a few
months and everything is going great. When I think about it
he is the one who helped me start another new beginning. I
really appreciate all he has done for me, getting through
school, stress, and over my depression.
Comments
The paper is generally well developed and logical. The writing is effective and thoughtful, yet
predictable. Sentences are controlled and varied.

I had not chosen to live in a small town, it was a decision

made for me by my parents. I enjoyed my life as anyone
would, being with my friends and having as much fun as we
possibly could. Although I had liked living there it was an
unspoken truth that we all wanted out.

When my parents informed us that we were moving to the

city, I was filled with a mixture of excitement and
disappointment. Sure I had always wanted to move, but It
was more of a thought than something I would ever do.

Two weeks later I started school in a brand new place,

angry that I was missing the last two years of highschool
with people that I considered my best friends. At first I
was scared of what it would be like without the blanket of
shelter that I had had in my friends. I soon realized that
I had a great chance to actually do something that I had
wanted to do for so long.

Although I struggled to adapt to a new place at first I

soon realized that I had new friends and a whole new lease
on life. It was my new beginning. Certain turns of events
can shape who you are in life and change who you will be.

Living here now I am bombarded with the feeling that there

is still more out there for me to see in this world. I am
not usually one to do spontanious things and moving here
has changed my perceptions around but now that i’ve moved
once I am on to bigger and better things than I ever could
have thought possible.
Comments
The paper is generally well developed and the writing competent. The writing is
purposeful but does not show originality, flair or energy. There are a few mechanical
errors.

It was a new beginning when Timothy Learn entered a detox

centre in downtown Vancouver. Timothy who had addicted to
crystal meth for the past few years had finally got the
courage to face his addiction and do something about it.

As Timothy entered detox he felt a slight feeling of

relief. He knew he had finally done something right in his
life. He thought to himself “Once I get out of here I will
make a new beginning. I will get a job, save up some money,
rent an apartment, possibly go see my Mother, appologize
for all the wrong I had done in my life”

At the young age of 14, Timothy’s parents had divorced. His

father moved away and was put into the care of his mother.
Timothy had felt betrayed by his father who had left his
family with nothing. Before Timothy was 15 he had already
been experimenting with drugs and was drinking and smoking
marijuana on a regular basis. He started acting out to his
mother and finally she had kicked him out when he turned
16. Timothy, who had thought that he could live on his own
did not care about his mother kicking him out once again he
thought of it as a new beginning.

After living on the East side of Vancouver for the next 2

years Timothy had grown strongly addicted to crystal meth.
But he did not care. He was collecting $500 dollars welfare
every month and ws able to eat a little and feed his meth
habit a lot. He made a reputation on Hastings street as
everyone just called him Meth. Another year later after
being beaten for his drugs, Timothy had finally admitted to
himself he needed to go into detox.

And this is where it ends, a new beginning. When someone

finally realizes they have a problem that needs to be
solved. But no-one decided to become addicted to drugs,
things just happen. And they just need, a new beginning
Comment
The writing is well developed and the topic is original. The writer takes risks, but results are
uneven. The paper has good supporting details. Vocabulary is appropriate, but expression can be
awkward.

When I realized the world was fake

It was a new beginning for me last April I went on a

journey of a lifetime going back into history. The March Of
the Living is a Jewish program in which 8 thousand Jewish
Teenagers From 43 countries from all over the globe come
together as one forgetting about race and political
differences. We came together as one as Jews.

Over 60 years ago Poland was under the Nazi Control. The
Nazis killed millions of Jews in the Holocaust. I traveled
through out Poland visiting the death camps of Poland. Our
first death camp was Auschwitz I realized that the world
wasn’t nice anymore. I realized that the world was filled
with murder. I couldn’t believe humans could throw other
humans into gas chamber and ovens only because of their
religion. I saw horrible sights like human hair, bones,
burnt bodies, and shoes. Seeing all this suffocated me with
death. I didn’t just go to Auxchwitz I went to Burkanou
Treblinka and Mijdonak all major death camps. I now thought
about my life and thought about it for days on end. I
figured my life was so “fake”, everything was so sugar
coated in our society.

After I went on this trip where it changed my life I have

stopped caring about the little things in life, and started
to think about the big picture. Since this trip I have
stooped “hiding my religion” I have been more religious and
have helped other humans. I have also not ignored any Anti
Setemic remarks students have said about me. I have also
made a Holocaust movie about are trip.
This trip has made me a more open and mature person and has
brought me out of the fake world and had brought me into
the real world. It was the new beginning.
Comment
This paper shows originality and flair. Of particular importance to note is that some
details, like dialogue, are used well. The writer takes risks with language and content
resulting in an engaging and energetic piece of writing.

The cloudless sky showed off its infinite beauty, as

the golden sun hung high above the earth. A young man with
shiny, combed back black hair, and a clean shave stood
staring at what seemed to be an endless desert waited for
something. Off far to his right side came tumbling down the
dusty road a bus. Instantly he knew that a new batch of men
were coming to feel, for the first time, the pain that he
once faced. As it rolled passed him he caught the faces,
just like his own when he first arrived there, and knew
they were frightened.
He stared blankly at the ground remembering the times
he spent in Jail until another vehicle caught the side of
his eyes. The city bus had come for him. With a deep
breath, he straightened his back, picked up his luggage,
and praceedeed into the bus.
Once he got onto the bus, he stared at the people
inside. At the back was a shady character playing with a
liter, and at the front was a little girl, and her
grandmother; he sat near them. Almost right away when the
bus started moving again, the old lady started talking to
him. He was surprised that she wanted to talk to him;
couldn’t she see he was a convict at one point? But,
despite the obvious she kept on going.
“Hello my name is Gladus. What’s yours?”
“Steven”
“That’s such a nice name. It was my husbands name, may
he rest in Peace.” Are you going back to relatives?”
“I don’t have any around here.”
“Oh you poor dear. Well, do you have any plans?”
That question made him start to think. It didn’t occur
to him until now that he had nobody to go to. The elderly
woman saw the lonely face the was on Steven, and felt sorry
for him.
“Well why don’t you have lunch at my place. I’ll
introduce you to my eldest grand daughter; she seems to be
around your age.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Never in his
whole entire life did someone he barely knew had offer for
him to have lunch with them. This touched him in a way that
nothing ever had before. Griping the thought he turned to
look at the old lady, and smiled.
It was surely going to be a new beginning.
Comment
This example is purposeful in its narrative. It has a clear focus and is written with
energy and flair. The writing is reflective and thoughtful. This student has performed
this task with few mechanical errors. Vocabulary used in this paper lends itself to
higher level thinking.

I have been an Athlete all my life. I’m naturally inclined

to throw a baseball, I’m predisposed to shoot the three
pointer & I’ve been endowed with gift of finding the five
hole (most of the time.) And yet there came a time when
the thrill of the chase had lost its thrill & I was left
with something much less satisfying. I found myself longing
for something to fill this enormous gap which had found a
home somewhere in the vicinity of my life. (I realized this
of course, during a time out in the biggest basketball game
of year.) I was fine while in class & while sleeping.
However, once the allocated time for fun & pushing the
limits came around at 3:00 PM my heart sunk. That was until
I found snowboarding. The new Frontier & my new beginning

All the sports that I’ve ever played had two things in
common, teammates & rules. I hadn’t realized at the time,
but I’ve been told that at one point or another everyone
will experience an intense hatred of rules. For proof of my
testimony I am here writing this Com 12 exam to you when
I’ve successfully completed english-advanced the previous
four years. My frustration with the rules became a
frustration with my teammates and I’m sure it was mutual.
Then slowly, after many conflicts & incidents, things that
were said shouldn’t have & things that were done that never
ever should have been done the stage was set for me to
leave. From then on, my organized sports life as I knew it
was over.

If it wasn’t for a close friend however, I would have had

to chose question 4 today. He gave me the nicest present
anyone ever has, a ride up to grouse mountain. And it was
as if the sun broke through the clouds after a long spell
of overcast. I could have wrote this essay on the pure
ecstacy that filled my whole being. That first run I ceased
to be myself, I had risen to higher ground (literally) in a
sense that I had finally realized the freedom of which our
nation’s athem sings.
I had personified that freedom on the mountain that day. I
had escaped the shackles of organized sport and been
granted safe passage to a new beginning.
Comments
This student has achieved an essay that is creative and has flair. It demonstrates a
sophisticated piece of writing in that it takes risks with content and structure. The
writing is engaging and has few mechanical errors.

I woke up that morning, the sun was shining through the

broken slit in my blinds. Just another day. I looked around
at my apartment, it was a mess since my girlfriend left.
Clothes, Food, everything I owned was spread in an array of
Black and White. Lit up by the light that seemed to slash
violently through my blinds. My tired eyes had never seen
colour before, colour blind since birth. My black and white
world was falling apart now and I was getting bored.

As I dragged my pants on slowly, I realized I had been

working at the same job for eight years that day. I hated
my job so much it made it seem almost surreal. I decided I
wouldn’t go in, let them call…I won’t answer.

“Breakfast” I said outloud to myself. I was skin and bone.

I walked shirtless to the Mc’donald’s, I ordered, I paid,
and I sat by myself, eating the grey sandwich before me. It
was eight o’clock in the morning when I arrived at the
Mc’donalds. I didn’t leave till five o’clock that evening.
I had nothing else to do.

When I finally arrived at my building, there were fire

trucks everywhere. Black and White flashing lights made it
hard to see. I navigated slowly through the crowd that had
formed around the blockades. I looked up…my home. I stood
in awe, before me was the most beautiful and tragic thing
that has ever happened to me. Bright, colourful flames shot
awkwardly out of my window. It was a new begining. I could
see colour. The fireman rushed all around me but I stared
shirtless in the middle of the crowd with the glint of
flame in my eye. It was a new begining.