PULLING

"Moving On"

A pilot by

Rob Hanning

Based on the series by

Sharon Horgan

And

Dennis Kelly

Francie Calfo Productions

2nd Rev Network Draft

1-26-09

©2009, ABC Studios. All rights reserved. This material is the

exclusive property of ABC Studios and is intended solely for the
use of its personnel. Distribution to unauthorized persons or
reproduction, in whole or in part, without the written consent of
ABC Studios is strictly prohibited.
 PULLING

“MOVING ON”
FADE IN:
SPLIT SCREEN - THREE WAYS - MORNING
CLOSE ON the faces of DONNA, LOUISE, AND KAREN, our three
leads, each featured in their own vertical strip on the
screen. Donna has a far-away look, Louise a gaze of loving
adoration, and Karen one of confident determination.
After a moment, we WIPE Louise and Karen away, leaving us:
INT. DONNA AND KARL’S BEDROOM
DONNA DANELLO, beautiful, a little neurotic, sighs heavily.
She is bored.
KARL (O.S.)
Donna. Donna? You can stop now.
REVEAL KARL LOCHART, mid-30’s, balding, paunchy, in bed next to
her. He’s not bad-looking, just not the guy Donna ever dreamed
about when she was a girl flipping through “Modern Bride.”
KARL (CONT’D)
I’m finished. I, uh, y’know--
DONNA
Oh. Yeah. Of course.
She looks down, stops moving her hand under the covers, and
gives Karl a perfunctory kiss on the forehead. As she gets up--
SPLIT SCREEN back to the three ladies for a beat, then WIPE Donna
off the left of the screen and Karen off the right, leaving us
INT. KAREN AND LOUISE’S APARTMENT
REVEAL LOUISE MILLER holding a camera, taking photos of someone
off-screen. The girl-next-door type, Louise is sweet, somewhat
naive, and relentlessly positive about everything.
LOUISE
(takes pictures)
You are so cute! Ooh, I think I’ll have
to put that one in a frame. Y’know, I’ve
never had a boyfriend who’s frame-worthy
before... How about one of us together?
Louise goes over to the subject of her photos-- JIMMY, mid-30’s,
nice looking, smiling slightly... and fast asleep on the couch.
Louise gazes lovingly at him, then sits down next to him and
puts his limp arm around her shoulder.
 2/6/09 2

Just as she holds out the camera to take a picture of them, he

starts to stir. Louise freezes-- but Jimmy just gives a little
sleepy snuffle and falls back asleep, his mouth wide open.
LOUISE (CONT’D)
Who knows, maybe this will be our
holiday card?
As Louise smiles brightly and the camera flashes--
SPLIT SCREEN back to the three of them: Donna brushes her
teeth, while in the bathroom mirror, we can see Karl scrubbing
his ass with a loofah sponge in the shower; and Karen strides
down the street, up to a nondescript storefront and enters.
We WIPE Donna and Louise off the screen, leaving us
INT. RENTAL OFFICE
KAREN DENUDO walks in. Attractive with a real South Philly edge--
tight clothes, loose lips-- she goes over to an older man, TOM.
His face lights up when he sees her.
TOM
Well, look who’s here to brighten
my morning. How are you, Karen?
KAREN
Good, Tommy, yourself? Hey, how’s
Sheila? She ever get her tricycle?
TOM
Good memory. It came in last week--
just in time for her birthday.
(takes envelope from her)
Thanks, dear. You remembered about
the increase this month, right?
KAREN
Yeah... I was hoping you could give
us a break on that. Y’know, a few
months grace period or something.
TOM
Sorry, Karen, I can’t really do that.
KAREN
No, obviously, not forever, just a
few more months at the old rent...
For me? Pleasepleaseplease?
TOM
I just work here, dear. That’s really
not something I can do. I am sorry.
KAREN
(beat, then)
You’re sorry? How you think I feel?
 2/6/09 3

TOM
Excuse me?
KAREN
Standing here each month, smiling,
while you blab on about your
granddaughter-- Sheila this, Sheila
that, Sheila and her stupid freakin’
tricycle! What was I pretending to
be interested in all that for if you
won’t even help me? You think I care
about your miserable old life?
(off his stunned look)
Gimme that. We’re moving out.
She grabs the rent money back from him and storms off.
INT. CHICKIE & PETE’S - AFTERNOON
A working class diner/bar that is lined with a mixture of Eagles,
Phillies and Flyers paraphernalia and various “pub mirrors.”
Karen combs the classifieds while Louise, wearing a waitress
apron, shows Donna pictures on her digital camera.
DONNA
(off pictures)
Look at you two. He looks so relaxed
around you, that’s so... is he asleep?
LOUISE
Out cold. We were up all night
talking. Just talking! I’ve never
dated a man like him.
KAREN
Y’mean, with the sex drive of my 89-
year-old grandmother?
DONNA
Leave her alone. I think it's sweet
he wants to take things slow.
LOUISE
Jimmy actually likes me. It's not
about, "Let's see how quickly I can
get in Louise's pants" or "Louise, can
I borrow a thousand dollars?" or
"Let's go on 'vacation' to Chile and
use Louise as a drug mule."
DONNA
Yeah, that guy was... bad.
KAREN
At least all his parts worked.
(then, off paper)
Here’s one: modern two-bedroom, cheap...
(MORE)
 2/6/09 4

KAREN (CONT'D)
Hey, there’s an open house right now.
Can you swing it, Lou?
LOUISE
I guess... if we do it quick.
KAREN
Want to come, Donna? It’s not far.
DONNA
Just for a little. I’ve got to meet
Karl and interview florists.
As they get up, and Louise removes her waitress apron...
LOUISE
We’ve really got to hurry. I’m
already cutting my shift short to
have dinner with Jimmy.
KAREN
What’s more important, finding a
place to live, or going out with
some guy you’re not really dating?
LOUISE
Jimmy and I are dating. Just
because he’s a gentleman who--
KAREN
Gentleman? Does he shave his balls?
LOUISE
What?
KAREN
His sac-- does he shave it?
LOUISE
I don’t know.
KAREN
Then you’re not dating.
They exit, and we find ourselves...
EXT. STREET
Donna, Karen, and Louise walk down the narrow, cobbled, decidedly
unglamorous streets of South Philly. The tiny lawns of 200-year-
old row homes are adorned with plastic ornaments.
LOUISE
So, getting excited about the big day?
DONNA
I guess...
 2/6/09 5

Karen and Louise share a look of concern.

DONNA (CONT’D)
It’s just that it’s only a few months
away, and there’s still so much to do.
KAREN
Well don't worry about the bachelorette
party. We’ve taken care of everything.
DONNA
Remember, Karl said no strippers.
KAREN
Donna, you're signing up for a life
of boring sex-- you gotta go out
with a bang.
DONNA
No strippers. And what makes you
think Karl and I have boring sex?
KAREN
Maybe ‘cause you said it was about as
exciting as watching Sportscenter?
LOUISE
No, she said sometimes they did it
while he was watching Sportscenter.
DONNA
All right, that was a phase, okay?
Everybody goes through a phase like
that when they've been together as
long as me'n'Karl. But now, it's
great. Trust me, things are really
steamy, I mean, really x-rated.
That other phase was a long time
ago, when I said that, it was–-
LOUISE
It was last Wednesday.
DONNA
No. Was it?
Off Donna’s concerned look...
INT. RENTAL APARTMENT
A small two-bedroom apartment with nice wood floors. Karen,
Louise, and Donna look around.
LOUISE
It is nice.
 2/6/09 6

KAREN
It’s freakin’ perfect! It’s cheap, close
to both our jobs, there’s two big bedrooms--
The LANDLADY, a pinched woman in her 50’s, wanders by.
KAREN (CONT’D)
Excuse me, could we get an application?
LANDLADY
(looks them over, then)
Y’know, I’d really prefer a couple.
She moves off.
KAREN
Screw that-- this place is a steal.
I’m not giving up that easily.
MICHAEL, 30’s, an attractive man also checking out the
apartment, smiles at her. The girls notice.
DONNA
He’s cute.
Karen goes up to him.
KAREN
Hi... I know you, don’t I?
MICHAEL
Yes, we...
KAREN
Don’t tell me-- the Ballroom, right?
(flirtatious)
Yeah, I remember now. We hit it off
pretty well that night, didn’t we?
MICHAEL
Um, I think--
KAREN
What, you’re shy? You didn’t seem so
shy in the bathroom when I stuck my
tongue in your mouth and grabbed your--
JOSH (O.S.)
Miss Denudo?
JOSH, a six-year-old, walks up, accompanied by his MOTHER.
KAREN
Oh, Josh. Hi. Funny seeing you
outside of school.
(to Michael, realizing)
Wait, you’re--
 2/6/09 7

MICHAEL
I’m Josh’s Dad. We met Parents Night?
On Karen’s horror...
INT. KARL’S PLACE - KITCHEN
Karl and Donna have dinner with PEG LOCHART, Karl’s mother,
mid-50’s, way too much make-up. Karl slurps his spaghetti,
completely focused on the evening’s Sportscenter.
DONNA
...I’m not saying I don’t like Beefsteak
Charlie’s-- I do-- I just wish you had
run it by us before booking it for the
rehearsal dinner. Right, Karl? Karl?
He turns his head slowly towards Donna, keeping his eyes on the
TV until the last possible moment before finally looking at her.
KARL
What? Yeah.
PEG
I’m sorry, Donna. I ran it by Karl.
DONNA
You--? Oh. Well, he never told...
Karl, you never told me that-- Karl?
But Karl’s gone back to the TV.
KARL
Yeah, baby, go-- GO-- YEAH!!
PEG
(smiles)
He loves his sports.
DONNA
Peg, c’mon. It’s a chain. The food--
PEG
Oh, the food’s great, isn’t it? You
don’t open as many restaurants as Mr.
Charlie without knowing a thing or
two about food. And buffets. You
know how much Karl loves buffets.
DONNA
But it’s my rehearsal dinner--
PEG
Donna dear, you’re getting married.
It’s not about you anymore-- you
have someone else’s happiness to
worry about now.
 2/6/09 8

Peg looks lovingly over at Karl, who spills spaghetti all over
his shirt as he eats. Off Donna, the panic welling up inside...
INT. PAT’S STEAKS
Louise and Jimmy eat at the counter in the packed Philly
Cheesesteak joint. Jimmy takes Louise’s hand. She likes it.
LOUISE
I really like you, Jimmy. You’re not
like other guys I’ve... I feel safe
with you.
JIMMY
I like you too, Louise... In fact, I
like you so much, that I need to tell
you something. Something about me,
my past that, well... I’m not proud
of. But I feel like if we’re going
to keep seeing each other, I owe it
to you to, to be honest about...
Jimmy trails off, this is difficult for him. Louise just
smiles at him, then takes a bite of her cheesesteak.
JIMMY (CONT’D)
Anyway, I’m not sure how to... I’m
a flasher, Louise. An ex-flasher.
LOUISE
What?
JIMMY
I used to expose parts of my naked body,
specifically my... penis, to young women.
LOUISE
(taken aback)
Oh.
JIMMY
I’m in recovery now. But I’ll
understand if you don’t want to--
LOUISE
How young?
JIMMY
Not really young. You can’t always
tell, but mostly eighteen and up.
LOUISE
Which is the age of consent, so...
Louise takes another bite of her cheesesteak, then:
 2/6/09 9

LOUISE (CONT’D)
(cheerful)
So where should we go for desert?
As Jimmy stares at her, not sure what to make of it all...
EXT. FLORIST - NEXT DAY
Donna talks with Louise and Karen, who picks through the
bouquets in the “$5 and under” section.
DONNA
I was sitting there looking at him and
all of a sudden I just felt... trapped.
KAREN
Lou, what kind of flowers should we get
that landlady?
LOUISE
Carnations?
DONNA
I love Karl, I do. But sometimes I
just wonder if he’s really... the one.
LOUISE
Nobody’s perfect, Donna. You have
to look for the good in people-- and
Karl’s a good man. He’s dependable.
DONNA
Yeah, but is that enough reason to--
LOUISE
He’s predictable, God knows. You don’t
have to worry about surprises, you
always know exactly what he’s thinking.
DONNA
Is... that a good thing?
KAREN
Look, Don, it doesn’t matter what we
think. You’re the one doing this.
Why are you marrying him?
DONNA
I guess, we were together so long, then
he asked me to marry him, and I said yes
because, well, that’s what you do after
six years, and--
KAREN
No, that’s what you do-- ‘cause you’re
afraid to say no to anybody, about
anything. Ever.
(MORE)
 2/6/09 10

KAREN (CONT'D)
Now will you stop trying to please
everyone else for one second and worry
about what you want?
As Donna considers this...
LOUISE
He likes animals.
DONNA
Would you marry him, Louise?
LOUISE
Hell no. Aren’t we talking about you?
DONNA
(rising agitation)
Oh, I don’t know-- what if I’m just
having cold feet? They say everyone goes
through this. What if... oh my God,
what if I break it off and then I never
find anyone else? What if--
KAREN
Okay, just calm down.
(beat, as she does)
Now. Imagine he’s dead.
DONNA
What? That’s horrible, I can’t--
KAREN
Just for a second. Heart attack, eaten
by sharks, whatever-- just do it. Do it!
DONNA
Fine... Okay, he’s dead. He’s... dead.
After a moment, Donna lets out a long, calm sigh of relief.
KAREN
Better?
DONNA
Wow, that’s... Yeah.
(realizes)
Oh my God. I can’t go through with this.
As a look of determination settles on Donna’s face...
LOUISE
Another nice thing about Karl is
that he would never hit you.

END ACT ONE

 2/6/09 11

ACT TWO
INT. KARL’S PLACE - THAT EVENING
Donna enters, looking grim. Karl jumps up, excited to see her.
KARL
At last! I’ve been waiting for you.
DONNA
Really? Oh, I was just out with the
girls and, um... Karl, look, I have
something to talk to you about.
KARL
Oh, no, me first. I have news too.
DONNA
No, Karl, listen...
KARL
Ready? Ready for the best surprise
of your life? Ready to find out what
kind of man you’re marrying? Ready
to be the owner of-- a house?!
DONNA
What?
KARL
The one in East Falls. I bought it--
the paperwork went through today!
You didn’t think we were gonna live
with my Mom forever, did you?
DONNA
Karl-- you didn’t even like that place.
KARL
But you loved it. And nothing’s
too good for my wife!
Donna stands there, stunned, horrified.
KARL (CONT’D)
Look at you-- this is great! Okay,
what’s your news? C’mon, top that.
DONNA
Okay. Uh, well...
INT. SCHOOL - KAREN’S CLASSROOM
Early next morning. Karen is in her empty classroom, setting
out crafts and such for the upcoming day. MICHAEL (the dad
she mistook for a former conquest) pokes his head in.
 2/6/09 12

KAREN
Oh! Hi. Michael. What are you...?
MICHAEL
Just had a conference with the head
of the school-- y’know, Mr. Serious.
KAREN
(laughs)
Mr. Davidson.
MICHAEL
Yeah, him. It’s like, Dude,
lighten up, they’re five!
KAREN
Listen... About the other day--
MICHAEL
Please. Forget it.
KAREN
No, you have entrusted me to teach
your precious little Joey--
MICHAEL
Josh.
KAREN
Right, Josh, and I don’t want you
or your wife to think--
MICHAEL
Ex-wife.
KAREN
Think that I’m the kind of person--
Michael kisses her.
KAREN (CONT’D)
--kind of person who would just--
She kisses back, pulling him to her. Their hands are all
over each other. They speak in gasps, between kisses:
KAREN (CONT’D)
We can’t... Davidson won’t be happy
if he catches me... again...
MICHAEL
Let’s go somewhere...
KAREN
Kids get here soon... Gotta be close...
 2/6/09 13

INT. RENTAL APARTMENT

The landlady leads an elderly couple up to the apartment.
LANDLADY
Thanks for meeting me so early.
(off the locked door)
Hm, I was sure I left it open.
She unlocks the door with her keys... and there’s Karen, skirt
hiked up, and Michael behind her, his pants at his ankles.
KAREN
So, did you, uh, get the carnations?
INT. CHICKIE AND PETE’S - THAT AFTERNOON
Donna sits with Karen while Louise hovers shirking her waitressing
duties. Donna is agitated, absently ripping up napkins. There
is a growing pile of mangled paper in front of her.
LOUISE
I can’t believe you actually did it!
DONNA
Me neither. But I’m pretty sure I
did the right thing.
KAREN
Definitely. You definitely did. Oh
thank God I didn’t buy my dress yet.
Donna starts calmly ripping up another napkin. As Karen
watches, concerned...
LOUISE
Well, I’m proud of you, Donna.
That takes real guts. I mean, you
had something most women would die
for-- a guy who loved you, who
worshipped you-- and you just threw
it all-- ow!
KAREN
(kicks Louise, then)
So, uh, how did it go? The breakup?
DONNA
Um... you ever kick a puppy?
KAREN
Really? Was it that--
DONNA
Wearing, like, steel-toed boots?
FLASHBACK TO:
 2/6/09 14

INT. KARL’S PLACE - LAST NIGHT

Karl is on his knees.
KARL
Please don’t do this, Donna. Don’t
leave me. Please, please please
don’t leave me. Please, please--
DONNA
Karl, don’t, don’t beg, it’s not--
KARL
Is it something I did?
DONNA
Karl, it’s not you, it’s us. We don’t
even talk anymore.
KARL
We could talk now.
DONNA
No, that’s not the-- we’ve just,
we’ve become boring.
KARL
Okay... do you want to do a threesome?
DONNA
What?
KARL
No, I mean with a man, if that’s what
you want--
DONNA
Karl, that’s not--
KARL
I’m willing to try it, I just don’t
want to touch his-- okay, look, I’ll
touch it but I won’t put it in my--
DONNA
Karl! I just don’t want to marry you!
KARL
Oh God. I think... I think I’m gonna...
DONNA
What, Karl? Spit it out.
Karl turns his head away and vomits.
BACK TO:
 2/6/09 15

The girls in the diner. The pile of shredded napkins in front

of Donna is considerably larger.
LOUISE
You okay, Don?
KAREN
Course she is, right Donna? You’re
free now, you’ve got your life back.
DONNA
Sure, I’m glad to be free, that’s great,
that’s... but the look on his face
when... I mean, I ruined a man’s life
yesterday, smashed it to pieces. Do you
have any idea what that feels like?
LOUISE
I can’t even imagine. To have that
kind of power over someone, to just
crush them like a bug... that’s gotta
feel cool.
DONNA
No, Louise, it doesn’t feel cool. It
feels horrible!
KAREN
He’ll get over it. They all do.
(then, to Louise)
How much you think we can get for those
ugly-ass bridesmaid shoes on ebay?
DONNA
You don’t understand. He was a broken
man, like he’d fallen from a great-- no,
not fallen, been pushed-- and then
stabbed over and over... and over...
LOUISE
C’mon, that musta felt a little cool.
DONNA
NO!
KAREN
So is it too soon to ask him for a favor?
DONNA
A... what?
KAREN
Okay, remember that really great two-
bedroom we saw? Well, that landlady’s
kind of... down on me right now.
(MORE)
 2/6/09 16

KAREN (CONT'D)
But since she said she wanted a couple to
live there, I thought maybe you and Karl
could rent the place together, then you
could sublet it to me and Louise.
DONNA
I’m sorry, were you listening? I
shattered this man’s life yesterday,
literally sickened him. He’s probably
curled up on the floor right now,
banging his head against the wall-- all
because of me-- and you want me to...
KAREN
Fine, forget it. How about you Louise?
Feel like putting that pretend boyfriend
of yours to some actual use?
LOUISE
I don’t know, it could get complicated.
Technically, Jimmy has to register any
new address with the authorities.
(off their looks, shrugs)
He used to be sort of a sex offender.
A beat, as Donna and Karen look at each other, flabbergasted.
KAREN
Christ almighty, Louise. You’re
dating a sex offender?!
LOUISE
Not the bad kind. Just a flasher. And
he’s reformed. Anyway, what’s it
matter? We’re not really dating, right?
KAREN
Please tell me you are not that stupid.
DONNA
Louise, look, I think it’s great you’re
willing to forgive people for... well,
just about anything, it turns out.
KAREN
I think it’s moronic.
DONNA
It’s just, Karen and I, we care
about you, and we’re not sure you
should get involved with, well...
KAREN
A freak!
LOUISE
Who are we to judge a man by his past?
 2/6/09 17

KAREN
We’re people who don’t go around
flashing our sex organs to strangers.
(off their looks)
Okay, that was once at a Penn State
game. You can’t compare me to some--
(then, notices)
Great. Fat Tanya just walked in.
LOUISE
I am not in the mood for Fat Tanya
right now.
DONNA
Guys, c’mon, don’t call her that.
KAREN
Why not? We’ve been calling her that
since third grade. ‘Cept that stretch
when she was Fat Pizza-Face Tanya.
TANYA OLSON, overweight, appears at their table and, uninvited,
sits down with them at their booth.
TANYA
Hey, girls. What’s going on?
Louise just glares at her. Karen nods in acknowledgement.
KAREN
(mumbles)
Hey F.T.
Donna quickly gets up and takes Tanya aside.
DONNA
Tanya, hey! Look, um, we’re kind of in
the middle of a thing over here. If
you could just give us a few...
TANYA
No biggee. Just wanted to tell you
I ran into Karl this morning.
Small world, huh?
DONNA
(expecting the worst)
Ooh. How was he?
TANYA
Fine-- he was coming back from the gym.
Donna’s expression changes from concern to utter shock.
DONNA
The gym? Really? That’s-- the gym?
 2/6/09 18

TANYA
Yeah. Why?
DONNA
And he wasn’t... he seemed... fine?
TANYA
Fine, y’know. Good. Donna, did
something happen between you two that--?
DONNA
No, no, it’s just, well... you sure
this was today?
TANYA
You should be happy. Most guys only
take care of themselves when they’re
on the market, y’know, out there.
(then)
Anyway, maybe one night the four of us
girls could go out and hang, just like--
DONNA
Yeah, that’d be-- excuse me.
Donna walks away from Tanya and back to the booth where
things between Louise and Karen are getting heated.
LOUISE
What’s wrong with this world? Why
can’t we give people a second chance?!
KAREN
I’m not saying don’t give people a
second chance. I’m saying don’t give
perverts a second chance!
DONNA
Look, there’s no point fighting
about it-- I’ll just go and ask
Karl to do the favor, okay?
LOUISE
But that’s not what we’re--
DONNA
Yeah, I should probably check in on
him anyway, see how he’s doing...
Off Donna, her mind racing about Karl...
EXT. KARL’S PLACE
Donna knocks at the door. It opens, revealing Peg.
PEG
You have some nerve coming here.
 2/6/09 19

DONNA
Peg, uh, hi. So, you’re probably upset
with me--
PEG
What do you want, Donna?
DONNA
Right. I came to ask Karl a, uh, fav--
(off her look, quickly)
Just wanted to see how he’s doing.
PEG
How’s he doing? You really want to
know? He’s happy. Happier than I’ve
seen him in a long time.
DONNA
Happy? Peg, c’mon--
PEG
What’s wrong? Thought he’d be sitting
around, crying his eyes out over you?
Well, he’s not. Fact, he’s moving
into his new house as we speak.
DONNA
The house he bought for me-- for us?
PEG
That’s right. And he was whistling
as he packed up.
DONNA
That’s a big house for one... did you
say whistling?
PEG
Trust me, he won’t be alone for long.
DONNA
Karl can’t whistle. I’ve never
heard him whistle, not once.
PEG
He’s quite a catch. Single man
with a house like that.
DONNA
What song?
PEG
What?
DONNA
What song was he whistling?
 2/6/09 20

PEG
Deal with it, Donna. He’s moving on.
Peg slams the door in her face. Off Donna, reeling...
INT. LOUISE’S BEDROOM
Louise and Jimmy sit on the bed together, both fully clothed.
LOUISE
How about if I close my eyes?
Jimmy shakes his head “no.”
LOUISE (CONT’D)
We could turn the lights off. Just
your shirt?
JIMMY
I’m sorry. I know you must be
frustrated with me.
LOUISE
No, it’s just-- well, taking your
clothes off, that’s kind of your
bread and butter. I mean, you are
a flasher.
JIMMY
Was. That’s in the past. But it’s left
me with some shame issues about, y’know,
revealing myself... even to you.
LOUISE
(sighs)
I understand. Come here.
(hugs him lovingly)
We’ll take this slowly, okay? The
last thing I’d ever want to do is
make you uncomfortable.
JIMMY
You are an angel, you know that? You
are the most compassionate, gentle,
caring person I have ever met.
LOUISE
(beat, then)
What if we go to the park, and
pretended I was a stranger?
(off his horrified look)
Just an idea.
 2/6/09 21

EXT. KARL’S NEW HOUSE

A modest but nice-looking home with a small front yard. Donna
rings the doorbell. No answer. She walks over to look into
the bay window facing the street. Her eyes go wide with alarm.
INT. KARL’S NEW HOUSE
Donna comes through the front door and goes over to Karl, lying
on the floor, passed out in a pile of empty beer cans. There are
a few yet-to-be unpacked boxes around. She shakes him awake.
DONNA
Karl, what are you--? For God’s
sake, one moment you’re throwing up
on me, next thing you’re at the
gym, you’re moving into this house
by your-- and can you whistle?
KARL
(groggy)
I thought if I kept really busy then...
DONNA
Then what? You could just... move on?
We spent six years together, Karl,
doesn’t that mean anything to--
Donna notices something in his hand -- it’s an aspirin
bottle. Donna takes the bottle, finds...
DONNA (CONT’D)
It’s empty. Karl did you-- did you
try to kill yourself?
KARL
Wha...? No. There were only two left.
I was trying to prevent a hangover.
(lies back down)
Unghhh... didn’t work.
DONNA
Oh my God, you did, didn’t you? You
tried to kill yourself!
KARL
No, really, I just took two--
DONNA
You tried to kill yourself because
I broke up with you! How could you
be so crazy?!
Off Donna’s manic expression of barely-contained joy, we:

END ACT TWO

 2/6/09 22

ACT THREE
INT. KARL’S NEW HOUSE - TWO DAYS LATER
Karl sits on a still-packed moving box, sporting a few days
growth, watching Sportscenter. He takes the fast food wrapper
off a giant burger and tries to take a bite, but it’s too big,
and ketchup leaks out all over the floor. He walks over to
the kitchen drawer, trailing ketchup, only to find it empty.
He starts going through a nearby box, finds a huge kitchen
knife. As he puts the burger down on the counter and starts
to cut it in half…
Donna walks in, carrying a duffel bag. She sees the trail of
ketchup on the floor, Karl holding the huge knife, and screams.
KARL
(startled)
Don’t do that! I almost cut myself.
Karen and Michael come running in from the other room.
KAREN
What happened? What--
DONNA
Nothing, I thought he was trying to...
(then, off Michael)
What’s he doing here? You said you
would watch Karl while I went to work.
KAREN
I was watching him. I got bored of
that, cause he wasn’t doing anything.
DONNA
Karen! You said you’d help me! You
know I can’t just call in sick. The
department store’s been laying people
off, and I can’t afford to--
KAREN
Can I talk to you?
(pulls Donna aside)
Okay, you’ve had us on this suicide
watch for two days now-- and far as I
can tell, the guy is completely fine.
DONNA
How can you say that? Look at him. He’s
a shell of a person.
KAREN
I dunno. Seems to me that’s pretty
much how he was before you dumped him.
 2/6/09 23

Karl’s back watching Sportscenter, completely absorbed. He

looks exactly like he did at the dinner in ACT I, except instead
of spilling spaghetti on his shirt, he’s dripping ketchup.
KAREN (CONT’D)
Okay, maybe he’s depressed. But you
broke up with him, remember? You’re
not responsible for him anymore.
DONNA
I can’t just ignore him. He’s like
this because I broke up with him. What
if he makes another attempt?
KAREN
Are we even sure it was an attempt?
He said there were only two aspirin
in the bottle.
DONNA
That’s my point. We might not be
so lucky next time.
In the background, Karl takes a big bite of his burger-- and
starts choking on it.
KAREN
Donna, you said you were excited to have
your life back-- well, that starts now.
Louise and I are going dancing tonight
and you’re coming with us. No excuses.
DONNA
But I can’t. Someone’s gotta watch him.
Karl, still choking, tries in vain to get their attention.
KAREN
Well it’s not gonna be you.
DONNA
I... I guess I could ask Tanya.
KAREN
Great idea. What else does Fat Tanya
have to do anyway?
Louise comes in, walks right past the choking Karl.
LOUISE
Hey Karl. I’m here for my shift.
(to Donna)
He seems okay. How’s it going here?
KAREN
Great. Donna’s coming out with us
tonight and Fat Tanya’ll watch Karl.
 2/6/09 24

LOUISE
Perfect. For Fat Tanya too-- she’ll
have a captive audience for once.
DONNA
Don’t call her that! She’s a good person.
KAREN
Will you stop being so nice all the time?
It’s not high school, you’re not running
for freakin’ student council anymore!
Michael notices Karl choking, starts giving him the Heimlich.
KAREN (CONT’D)
Oh, Louise, they called about the rent
again today-- we gotta get outta that
place. Can you and your wack-job, make-
believe boyfriend go see that landlady
and pretend to be a normal, happy couple?
LOUISE
(angry)
We are a normal happy couple! Not
everyone has to have sex to be happy!
KAREN
Um, I can see that.
Karl finally coughs up the burger. He gasps for air, then:
KARL
Please don’t leave me with Fat Tanya.

INT. RENTAL APARTMENT

A flushing sound, then Louise comes out of the bathroom.
LOUISE
Sorry about that. Good water pressure.
(looks around)
Guys? Where’d you go?
LANDLADY (O.S.)
Here’s the application, just-- OH MY GOD!
Louise rushes around the corner, only to find the landlady
staring down at Jimmy (whose back is toward Louise), disgusted.
LOUISE
Oh, you’ll show it to her but not to
me? I’m not good enough for you, is
that it!? Karen was right about you,
you’re just a sick, perverted--
Jimmy turns around, hurt-- and fully zipped up.
 2/6/09 25

JIMMY
Louise, is that really what you think?
LOUISE
What? But she was--
Louise whirls around, and sees what the landlady was staring
at-- a dead rat, curled up in the corner behind Jimmy. As
the landlady takes the application back from Jimmy...
INT. CLUB - LATER
The girls are in a packed club, standing at the bar. As Donna
gets them drinks, Louise and Karen shout over the music.
LOUISE
Sorry about messing up our chance
at that apartment.
KAREN
That’s okay. It was worth it to get
that sick bastard out of your life.
(then, gently)
Louise... you’re a pretty, nice,
relatively normal girl who deserves--
well, you just might want to think
about setting the bar a little higher.
LOUISE
I will. Thanks, Kar.
(then, off guy in crowd)
Hey, he’s cute. Should I go talk to him?
KAREN
What, him? Christ, Lou, the guy’s only
got one leg! Didn’t you hear a word I--?
Donna interrupts, back from the bar with a beer for each of them.
DONNA
Well, I got elbowed, groped and I had to
bite a girl on the arm-- but I made it to
the front just in time for dollar beers.
KAREN
Whaddaya know, kitty got claws!
(raises bottle)
To Donna-- and cheap beer!
As the three laugh and clink beers, a great song comes on, and
they all start dancing together. Donna is genuinely enjoying
herself-- the first time we’ve seen this. Fun looks good on her.
Suddenly Karen jumps up on the bar. After a moment, Donna joins
her, and the crowd cheers them on as Karen leads them in a wild
dance routine. After a few moments, when Donna goes to hop off
the bar, a tall guy with a killer smile, PATRICK, helps her down.
 2/6/09 26

PATRICK
Hello.
She gives him a big smile. If Donna’s forgotten how to
flirt, it’s coming back to her pretty fast.
DONNA
Hi...
PATRICK
Patrick. I liked your dancing.
DONNA
Thanks. I like your, uh... chin?
Crap, my phone’s-- excuse me--
(into phone)
Hello? Speak up, Tanya-- he’s what?
Elsewhere in the crowd, Karen catches her breath after her
bar-top performance. Donna comes over.
DONNA (CONT’D)
We gotta go. Tanya called, she bored
Karl right into the bathroom-- and he’s
locked himself in. He’s very unstable,
Karen. God, if anything happens...
KAREN
Okay, look, you’re not gonna want to
hear this, but I’m going to say it
anyway, cause I’m your friend. You
have to stop clinging to him.
DONNA
What? I’m not, I’m just worried that--
KAREN
You’re not worried. You’re looking
for an excuse to stay in his life.
DONNA
Oh my God. You are so wrong.
KAREN
Am I? I’ve been there, Donna. I know.
Now, I’m not leaving and neither are you.
For your own sanity, and for Karl’s-- and
for mine-- you have to let go.
DONNA
(just stares at her, then)
Fine, stay here. I’ll get a cab.
INT. KARL’S NEW HOUSE
Donna walks in-- to find Karl and Tanya curled up together,
post-coital. They scramble to cover themselves.
 2/6/09 27

DONNA
What the--? I can’t believe you, Tanya!
He’s mentally unbalanced, he obviously
needs to be handled with kid gloves--
KARL
Donna, that’s not really--
DONNA
--shut up, Karl-- and you come in here
like some, some skeev and--
TANYA
At least I’m not the selfish bitch
who dumped him in the first place!
DONNA
How dare you! You have no idea
what-- what really--
(flustered, blurts out)
You’re fat!
KARL
STOP! Both of you!
(then, to Donna)
I know you’ve been trying to, well...
to do something. But Tanya is the
first person who gets what I really
need right now-- which is to stop
thinking about you all the time.
TANYA
That’s right!
(then, to Karl)
Wait, was that all it was to you?
A distraction?
Karl looks between Donna and Tanya, knowing he’ll cause a
shitstorm no matter what he says.
DONNA
I hope you’re happy together.
As Donna leaves, stung...
TANYA
You were thinking about her when we
were doing it, weren’t you?
KARL
Um...

END ACT THREE

 2/6/09 28

ACT FOUR
EXT. KARL’S NEW HOUSE
Donna knocks on the door. Karl opens it, humming to himself.
He’s clearly been painting the place-- wears sweat pants and a
t-shirt streaked with white paint and holds a large brush.
KARL
Donna... hi, um...
DONNA
Don’t worry, I’m not gonna come in.
Just came to get my duffel bag.
KARL
And to see if Tanya’s still here.
Which she’s not. She left last
night right after you did.
DONNA
(clearly relieved)
Whatever. I don’t really--
(then)
Maybe I’ll come in, just for a little.
She starts to head in, but Karl stops her.
KARL
Donna...
DONNA
(re paint)
Don’t worry, I’m not gonna touch
anything. If you want me to wear
those little booties--
KARL
I need some time. Away from you.
You understand.
DONNA
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, of course.
(then)
Karl... I’m sorry. I know I’ve been...
It’s just been a lot harder for me to
let go than I thought it would. But
I’ll be better now. You sleeping with
Tanya... I guess that was, in a way,
just what I needed.
KARL
Yeah. Me too.
Karl chuckles uneasily. Donna doesn’t.
 2/6/09 29

DONNA
I just hope we can... I mean, after
all the time we’ve had together...
just to have lunch sometimes, or...
KARL
Don’t worry. We’ll always be friends.
Without warning, she whacks him on the side of the head.
DONNA
Not if you screw any more of my
girlfriends we won’t! I can’t
believe you did that to me!
KARL
Wha-- Me? You’re the one who broke
up with me, remember?
DONNA
Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I want
you to... to just...
KARL
What? What do you want, Donna?
The question just hangs there for a moment, and Donna realizes
she doesn’t have an answer.
DONNA
I don’t know. I just know that I
don’t want to be married to you.
Not... right now, anyway.
(then, sweetly)
You’ve got paint on your nose.
As she walks away, realizing just how many questions she’s facing
now that she doesn’t know the answer to...
KARL
(calls after her)
So I’ll just... hold onto your bag?
INT. KAREN AND LOUISE’S APARTMENT - LATER
Karen and Louise help Donna carry in some boxes.
DONNA
...just saw him this morning. I
think the real danger’s passed--
but he’s still a wreck, poor guy.
KAREN
(going along with it)
Poor guy.
(then, off apartment)
(MORE)
 2/6/09 30

KAREN (CONT'D)
Anyway-- welcome back. Just like
the good old days, eh?
Donna looks around.
DONNA
Yeah... Except you're living in my old
room. And Louise is living in your old
room. And I'm sleeping in the closet.
KAREN
And it takes three of us to afford
the rent.
LOUISE
And we're all six years older.
DONNA
(just hitting her)
Oh my God. I’ve just wasted six
years of my life.
KAREN
C’mon, that’s not true. Right Louise?
LOUISE
Actually, I can see why she’d--
DONNA
I'm almost thirty, and what do I
have to show for it? No career, no
kids, I don't even have a boyfriend.
LOUISE
You have us Donna. You'll always have us.
Donna, touched, pulls both of them into a hug.
DONNA
Come here. I love you guys. You’re
the best friends I could ever ask
for. I mean that.
KAREN
(still in the hug)
You're not getting your old room back.
LOUISE
Hey, what's that on your hand?
DONNA
Oh... the guy from the club last night,
he wanted my number, and when I wouldn't
give it to him, he wrote down his.
LOUISE
So? Call him.
 2/6/09 31

DONNA
I will.
(off their eager looks)
Now?
KAREN
Why not? You said it yourself,
you’re six years behind schedule.
DONNA
Well... he did seem nice. And he
was very into me. All right.
Donna takes a deep breath, takes out her phone. As she dials...
DONNA (CONT’D)
God, I'm nervous. I haven't done
this in forever.
KAREN
It still works the same way.
DONNA
What if I don't know what to say?
KAREN
Ask him what he's doing tonight.
LOUISE
Ask him if he has any friends.
DONNA
Shhhh...
(then, into phone)
Hello?
FEMALE VOICE
(over phone)
Hello? Who's this?
DONNA
Oh, it's... is this Patrick's cell?
FEMALE VOICE
(over phone, pissed)
Did he go to another club last
night? That son of a bitch. He
told me he was working! You better
lose this number, you little--
Donna hangs up quickly. She looks at Karen and Louise. The
three women burst out laughing.
KAREN
See? Nothing's changed.
 2/6/09 32

DONNA
I guess not.
LOUISE
And don’t worry, you're not behind
schedule. Look at me-- you're no
better or worse off than I am.
Behind Louise's back, Karen shakes her head reassuringly --
that's not true. The doorbell rings and Karen goes to answer.
LOUISE (CONT’D)
Anyway, you're back out there with
the rest of us, that’s the main--
KAREN (O.S.)
Louise, I think it's for you.
Donna and Louise turn to see Jimmy standing there, a wild,
almost feral look in his eye.
LOUISE
Jimmy, what are you--
JIMMY whips open his coat, exposing himself to Louise.
JIMMY
Is this what you wanted? Is it?
Louise slams the door on him.
LOUISE
That's it, we're moving.
KAREN
I don't know, Louise. On closer look,
maybe you gave up on Jimmy a little
too quickly...
As they all laugh...

END OF SHOW