Table of Contents

Synopsis
MONSTER
OH DEAR
JUST A FREIND
I CAN SO SEE
BLUE MOON
COME HERE
ANOTHER KNOTCH ON MY BELT
APOLOGY ACCEPTED
BUTTERCUP
IM SHOCKED
RUNAWAY
HAVE A MINUTE?
HOSPITLE GOWNS
NEXT TIME
BLACK FRIDAY
BACK HOME
COMFORTING
JUST TAKE IT
HAND ME MY PANTS
BACK AGAIN
Ouch
EVEN SCORE
BOXER BRIEFS
BARBIE & KEN
THRESHOLD
CHRISTMAS
BED TIME
MY PLACE
BEACH
WHAT NOW?
US?
BACK AGAIN
TRUST
FOR THE BEST
COUCH
POURING RAIN
COMFORT
BOWLING SHOES
LILIES & DAISIES
WAFFLE HOUSE
SQUARES
OUR BED
SOAKING WET
BOSTON
CLUMSY BOY
ROLE REVERSED
SHUT IT!
BUZZERS
DITZ
GIVE & TAKE
KICK THE BUCKET
CANT SAY NO
BACK TO NORMAL
2 YEARS DOWN
SWEET BEGINNINGS
 Synopsis

Epigraph
"You smell good,too," said Patch.
"Its called a shower." I was staring straight ahead. When he didn't answer, I turned sideways.
"Soap. Shampoo. Hot water."
"Naked. I know the drill"
-Becca Fitzpatrick
Warning
This work will contain profanity , R-rated scenes , Sex , hard humor among other things.
This title is suitable for mature audiences. You have been warned.
Copy right
2015©Heretheirony
Inspiration
" The inevitability of being in love is you open yourself up to hate".
Preview
Those gummy candies aren't enough incentive to make me want to actually read this shitty
Western Civilization bull crap." I groaned. "Maybe if like... You lost an article of clothing for
each paragraph I-"
"Let me stop you right there." He laughed as he popped a Sour Patch Kid into his mouth.
"Your attention would be solely on me if I did that. Not happening."
"Oh come on!" I laughed as I tugged on his pant leg. "It would be fun!"
"For who?" He laughed as well. "Definitely not me! Maybe for you since you could make fun
of my twig like body, but I'd hardly call that fun."
My face contorted slightly towards the end of that. I almost felt as if he insulted me more
than he was actually just self deprecating.
"Hey now," I said, trying my damnedest not to sound too offended. "You happen to sport
one of my top three body types. I don't want to hear you make fun of it again."
"Fine, my bad." He stated before looking back down at his book, clearly trying to hide his
face. But from what his hair wasn't hiding, I could totally see his cheeks showing the
slightest shade of pink. "So... What are the other two?"
"The other two what?" I asked trying to get him to say it, but he just pouted until I sighed.
"Oh right, body types, it goes short skinny boys, short curvy girls, and tall awkward boys."
"That... Is not what I expected in the least..." He laughed. "I figured you'd like people who
were... You know... Perfect like you."
"Perfect like me?" I chuckled and shut my book before pushing it off the bed. "What fun
would that be? I just worked this hard for this body so I wouldn't have to work to get who I
want, ya know?"
"Nope, no I can honestly say actually don't." He said behind a smug slightly judgmental
looking smirk.
"Well, that's hard for me to believe but at the same time I thought you were a virgin for the
longest time as well."
He scowled at me, but followed suit in closing his book.
"So, what you're saying is..." He smiled as he sat himself up on his knees and scooted closer
to me. I watched him carefully... Or at least as carefully as my distracted mind could. "Is that
I could possibly have any one I want, just because of this body of mine?" The spit in my
mouth became too thick to swallow as Jamison ran his hand through my hair and twirled
his fingers at the ends.
"Uh... Yeah I guess that's what I'm saying." Not my finest moment, but it was at least it was
something.
"And what you're also saying is that-" he paused as he swung his leg over my lap and
straddled me. "Is that I wouldn't have to put forth any effort as well?" I simply nodded my
head... Because well... I couldn't do anything else.
My palms were sweating, my dick was swelling at a insurmountable rate, and I felt like I
was about to throw up from how fucking hot my body was getting.
"Hmm... Interesting." And just like that the moment was over and Jamison was sitting
beside me with the biggest shit eating grin I had ever seen.
"Wait... What the fuck was that?!" I asked once I came to my senses.
"What was what?"
"That! That whole show! The sitting on my lap... The sexy hair thing... What the hell was
that?!"
"Oh that? Just curiosity."
"Is that your stripper name?" I asked, still completely confused.
"I was just testing your theory! Calm down!" He laughed. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I huffed. "I think, I don't know! How did you expect me to react?"
"Better than that I can tell you that much." He busted out laughing even harder. "I figured
you'd probably have our clothes off or something by now, I guess the rumors about Keagan
Bradley aren't all as true as I expected them to be."
Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. Major ego blow there.
I didn't even have it in me to prove him wrong... I just pouted.
"Oh poor Keagan." He cooed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and curled up beside
me. "Now call us some dinner big boy, it's on me tonight."
 MONSTER

Keagan
I looked over at the boy sitting next to me, his eyes glossed over from the tears that were
bound to come spilling out any second. He was covering his big green eyes with his messy
brown hair, and shielding his quivering lip with his oversized sleeve covered hand. I didn't
feel anything though; he was just another person I slept with and mooched off of for a few
months.
"So, you're serious Keagan? We're done; just like that?" I nodded my head in response, a
little shocked and annoyed that this was taking him so long to process. "So what am I
supposed to do?"
"I don't know." I groaned. "Go to a bar tonight, tell some mildly attractive man that your ex-
friends-with-benefits was a total douche and 'broke up' with you after your summer fling. I
told you from the start how this was going to be, it's not my fault you had the idea you
could change my mind."
I could see the tears actually welling up in his eyes now, but nothing I said was a lie. I never
put a title on us, I never asked him to be my boyfriend, and I told him from the start once
school started back up we were done. Honestly I just needed him for a house to stay at
during the summer months.
"I think you should go..." He whispered, and I complied gladly. He was kind enough to let
me grab my bag from out of the back of his car before pulling out of his parking spot. "I
really hope you find someone who does something like this to you Keagan. I really do."
I smile slightly, knowing there is no chance in hell that I would ever be that stupid but nod
again.
"If it helps, I know you'll find someone great, I'm just that stepping stone you had to get
through in order to find it." I say, knowing that I'm right. He was a great guy, generous,
kind, and great in bed. Someone would love him one day, but to be honest, this wasn't the
first time I've used that line.
"You will too Keagan, you know you're not the monster you claim to be." I roll my eyes and
sigh. I say one sweet thing and they're back craving more.
"I'll see you around Derek, have a nice life." And with that I turn away and head into the
university behind me.
Derek and I had known each other most of our lives, so it wasn't that hard to get him to
come pick me up and take me away from this hell hole for the summer. Albeit, I had a car
and could have driven myself back home very easily and made this whole ordeal a lot
easier on everyone, but who knows if he would have let me stay with him?
I couldn't very well stay with my parents, so I had to find a friend. And what easier way to
get free housing than to play the 'I'm too poor to do anything' card. Which wasn't
completely true clearly, but I wasn't rolling in dough at the same time. I just had enough to
get me by until I land a job after college.
So I guess it's all just a matter of priorities.
As I walked into the dorm buildings I saw my absolute favorite person sitting behind the
advisory desk. She was about 5 foot 6, dark skinned, a little thicker around the middle, and
had enough sass to fill an entire stadium with.
"Joyce!" I shouted as I ran to the middle aged woman. "How's big momma doing after her
break."
"Oh baby let me tell you," she began with a heart filled laugh. "My break was good. Me and
big papa got our vacation on, went back home to Jamaica and did all the illegal things I
know you kids do in your rooms baby. How are you?"
I smiled and took off my sunglasses, quickly hanging them from the front of my shirt and
shrugged. "You know, I'm alright, I just missed your beautiful face. Now tell me some good
news, did you manage to score me a room to myself this term?"
She pouted a little before grinning again. "You know big momma can't to that darling, but
she did manage to score you one with a boy she thinks you'll like."
"Did you really pick him out specifically for me? Or are you just saying that."
"Keagan Bradley!" She gasped using my full name. "I'm hurt you would even think that!"
I smirked slightly before leaning over the counter and kissing her cheek. "Fine fine, just
hand over the key and I'll let you know how it goes."
She gave me a toothy grin before handing over the key to my dorm. "Be careful with him,
he's a little skittish." She warned. "Don't break this precious boy's heart."
I rolled my eyes for the umpteenth time before nodding in agreement. "I'll try my hardest
not to let my charm go to his head." I shot her a quick wink and turned on my heels to go.
"I'm serious baby! He could do you some good!" I waved my hand dismissively at that,
barely hearing the things she mumbled behind my back as I made my way to my old dorm
room.
My last roommate had graduated last year. Thank God. Not that he was bad or annoying, he
just wasn't gay, so he was clearly no fun, but now... Now was a whole new year with a
whole new chance with someone who I assume is going to be a freshman. I myself am only
a sophomore, but still. I've been here way too long already with no clear end in site.
The dorm was exactly how I left it though, minus the few house keeping details the janitors
did over break. All I had was what was in the bag on my shoulder, the one picture on my
end table, and the laptop stowed away in said end table. I didn't need much clearly.
Especially not in college, and I'm hoping that the new kid doesn't bring much either. The
last thing this already cramped room needs is unnecessary stuff.
I sighed as I threw my bag into the corner and myself on the bed. Today pretty much went
exactly as planned and school didn't really start for another two days. We had a two day
grace period to get situated and moved in before they pile on the work load. One day to
move into your dorm, the next to go get your books and shit together. I guess it was nice,
and made things flow a lot easier, but whatever.
As I was finally starting to relax I heard the door bell jingle a bit before opening. I sighed
and sat up as quickly as my body would let me and held back a groan as an army of people
invaded my home.
I couldn't really tell who was in college and who was just coming to help with the one
suitcase and backpack said college child had. I tried clearing my throat but no one noticed I
was there through all their 'loving' commotion.
So I just bit my lip and sat back and watched, trying to figure out who was who and gauge
when the racket was going to stop.
"Mom, Mom stop!" The girl in the litter finally shrieked. "Let him go! He's a big boy now." I
nearly fell off my bed as I tried to contain my laughter, a momma's boy. How cute.
"She's right honey, we should probably go, and let our little man get settled in." I couldn't
see who that voice came from, but I can only imagine it was his father. Though I could see
that the mother wanted so badly to protest, she didn't. She just hugged the boy who was in
her arms tighter and kissed his forehead.
"Write me all the time okay, I'll see you soon baby." And with that, everyone left, finally
revealing the short, flippy haired boy with glasses half the size of his face to me. He was
definitely cute, so I definitely need to stop and see Joyce sometime in the near future, but I
could tell that he was a complete rack of nerves now that his family was gone.
"Hey." I said, not too loudly, but clearly loud enough to startle the boy. "Oh shit, are you
okay?" He looked up at me as I stood before him, completely doe eyed as I took a step
towards him.
"Uh... Yeah... Hi, I'm uh, sorry about all of them... I didn't even notice you were in here." He
mumbled.
"It's cool, no worries. I'm Keagan, and I guess we're going to be roommates." I chuckled,
trying hard to lighten the mood for the poor boy. I might be an ass, but I'm not completely
heartless.
"Jamison." He muttered. "So... This is my bed?" I nodded and watched as he placed his
backpack down.
"Yeah, well... I'm going to take a nap while you unpack and do your thing." I said before
throwing myself back down on my bed.
"Oh... You're not going to unpack?"
I shook my head and smiled. "Nah, not today. We have two days to do it, and I'm not in any
rush to get a single thing done."
 OH DEAR

Jamison
This was the first time in my entire life that I would be away from my family for more than
three days. And those three days were hell because they were on a school field trip and I
had an allergic reaction to a bee sting and I spent most of the trip cooped up in my cabin
covered in bumps.
But I knew this time it would be different. For the most part, I was safe here in school. I was
a 6-8 hour drive away from home if I wanted to visit. But I wanted to try and be strong and
stay on campus for as long as I could without freaking out and running home. I'm sure
that's exactly what my parents are hoping I do anyway.
I've never really been too good by myself. I've always had my family behind me in whatever
I did. Maybe they were a bit overprotective of me, and at times it drove me nuts, but it
helped shape who I am as a person. I turned out the way that I did because of them, and for
that I am grateful.
I just wish it wasn't so nerve wracking to be living with a complete stranger. I mean he
seems pretty ok. I've only known him for less than a full day so I can't really make any
judgments about him. I mean, there are things that I noticed about him. Like, he styles his
hair. He has nice teeth. He dresses well. But then I noticed that he's sort of loud-ish, very
excitable and energetic; which is perfectly fine, jut opposite of me entirely.
I wondered if they put any thought into rooming us together. We must have a similar major
or something. Or perhaps it's just random.
He does seem like the clean type, although he has no intention of moving anything in at all
anytime soon. He said so himself yesterday. I would have an OCD attack if I just left all my
stuff unpacked. It would drive me insane.
I tried not to look at him too much, or seem like I was weird. He looked like the type who
had a lot of power around here, and I wanted to be on his good side. I was his roommate
after all, I should learn how to coexist with him.
"So Jamie," he said, using a variation of my name that I really didn't like. "Why don't you tell
me about yourself."
I nearly dropped my pen because I was nervous; I didn't know how to answer that. I've
never been asked to share things about myself ever in my life. What was there to say?
"Uh. It's actually Jamison," I said trying to be polite. "Um. Well I'm a freshman. Biology
major. And um, I'm originally from Canada but I moved to West Virginia when I was like 5."
I couldn't believe I said all of that in one go. Usually I'd be a stuttering mess, but I kept it
together somehow. I just didn't want to be made fun of. I got enough of that in high school.
He ripped out a piece of paper from one of his books and stuck his gum in it. Normally I'd
make a face, but again, I wanted to stay on his good side. So I just acted like it didn't bother
me.
I wondered if he would care if he knew I was germaphobic and had a mild case of OCD.
Probably. No. Definitely. Definitely not mentioning that I have those.
"A Canadian eh?" he said with a slight accent. "That's cool. West Virginia... not so cool, I'm
sure you agree. So bio huh, you must be real smart. You look like the type."
I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say thank you or not, because I wasn't sure if he was
actually complimenting me or not. He made me confused. I wasn't really used to that
feeling.
"What's your major?" I asked, trying to keep the conversation going without being too
curious.
He started to pace a bit. It was making me fidget. I hate when people pace. My dad is a
pacer. When he's on the phone he can't stay in one spot he has to walk all over the house.
One of my biggest pet peeves, of many. I was a very particular person.
"I've changed it twice already so nothings really definite. I'd rather just be famous, but the
parents don't really approve of that."
I smiled because I thought that was an appropriate response.
"You're young, you have plenty of time to figure things out. Statistics say that the average
college student changes their major at least three times so, you've got one more shot," I
said chuckling. "I-I'm kidding."
He laughed but I'm sure it was at me, not with me. I get that a lot.
"You just like, know stats right off the top of your head?"
I looked down at my book and shrugged my shoulders.
"Not a lot, just some. I read a lot. And my memory is pretty good so I tend to retain tons of
information, both useful and useless. It's a curse really."
He nodded and continued to pace.
"So you're not a genius or anything you just like to read and have one of those photo...photo
whatever memories?"
"Photographic?"
"Yes! God damn I hate when that happens. You know when you're trying to think of a word
and you know it but you can't think of it in time."
"Tip of the tongue phenomenon. That's what it's called. It happens to me too. It's
unfortunate."
He looked at me weird, and for that moment I felt so insecure. Was I being too nerdy? That
happened a lot. I didn't even realize I was getting like that.
"Sorry," I said quickly. "I do that sometimes. Just ignore me."
I turned away and continued to read my book. It wasn't a textbook, it was just a regular
book. I liked to fill my brain with both fiction and nonfiction. It helped me associate with
the outside world better. Most people don't know how to be friends with people like me,
because I make them feel stupid.
Not saying I'm smarter than most people, but I've been told that before by my actual
friends. Which I do actually have back home. 2 of them. They're pretty awesome. But
they're like 500 miles away so that really is disheartening.
"So do you party Jamie?"
I didn't feel like correcting him again, so I didn't.
"Nope. I feel like you could already tell though."
"Hey you never know. My mom always said to watch out for the quiet ones. Meaning girls.
But she didn't know- well that doesn't matter. I'm just saying. It wouldn't hurt to get out
there and live a little instead of making yourself a human computer."
"I don't think I would socialize well in a party setting. I've been to one or two back home;
not my scene really."
I knew at that moment that I would not be getting much sleep at all if Keagan was going to
have crazy parties in our room all the time. Oh dear.
"It's Michigan State. You have to party. Just wait, you'll see how we do things around here.
I'm sure you'll learn to socialize just fine."
Again, oh dear. This was going to be a long semester.
 JUST A FREIND

Keagan
It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Jamison was judging me just as much as I was
judging him. Everything I did from waking up and not making my bed, to putting my can of
soda on the ground made him cringe. I could tell how uncomfortable me being "normal"
made him, though he tried his hardest not to let it show; which I actually appreciated. Last
thing I needed was an OCD nerd on my back twenty-four seven.
"Jamie, you have one more day of freedom before classes start tomorrow... What do you
want to do?" I asked, almost regretting making it sound like an offer to hang out.
"I think I'm just going to stay in... I mean, what is there to do?"
I groaned internally as I shook my head. What did he mean 'what is there to do'... He is in
college for fucks sake. This is his time to live and to be free, which I can clearly tell he never
had the opportunity to do before.
"There are a lot of things to do... Like... Going outside? I'm sure your skin could use some
sun." I said as I got up. "C'mon, we're going on an adventure."
The look this poor boy gave me nearly made me want to pat him on his head and tell him I
was joking, but lord knows I'm not that type of guy.
"W-where are we going?" He asked as I ushered him out of the dorm.
"Outside on the exclusive Keagan Bradley tour; you're going to see sites and sounds many
other students on this campus could only dream of seeing!" I shouted, causing Jamie to
shudder.
"I really don't want to get in trouble. We haven't even started class yet..."
"Oh jesus... Jamie, calm down. We're going on a walk, that's all. Get your panties out of a
bunch and be a man!" I groaned. I knew my general tone of annoyance must of hurt his
feelings, but for all that is holy he needed to chill out.
"I-I'm sorry. I j-j-just... I'm not used to this." I shrugged and lead him along.
The campus was huge so I knew I'd wear out this little dude in no time and I planned on
taking him everywhere.
"As you know, this is the cafeteria slash food court thing." I stated as we passed by. "This is
where you go and eat and stuff if we don't stalk up on food for the dorm."
"Where do we get food for our dorm?"
I looked down at him and shrugged. "I have this thing called a car, and there are these
things just right outside campus called grocery stores... I don't know if you noticed, but we
have a fridge and a microwave, thanks to my old roommate."
"Oh, I didn't know you had a car..." He mumbled.
"Yep, I sure do. Now over to your right is the Science building where I'm sure you'll be
spending most of your time at, are you keeping up?" I looked back down at him with a
smirk and he just rolled his eyes and smiled.
"Yeah, I have that photo whatever memory, remember?"
"Oh you got jokes now?" I laughed as I playfully bumped into him, well... At least to a
normal person it would have been playful, but I forgot completely forgot Jamie was pretty
tiny. So my playful bump turned into a deadly shove, sending him falling to the ground. "Oh
shit dude!" I laughed as I hurried over to him, I tried helping him up as well, but I was
laughing far to hard to be anyone any good. "Oh god, I am so sorry." I panted.
"What was that for?!" He whimpered and I immediately stopped laughing. His face was
bright red and he was sporting the most mortified look I had ever seen.
"I didn't mean to push you that hard, I was just trying to nudge you. I'm sorry you're only
like twenty-five pounds and couldn't take it."
"It's fine." He sighed. "I'm just going to head back to the dorm room."
"Oh come on Jamie, don't be like that."
"It's Jamison!" He snapped but immediately held his hands up as he took a deep breath to
calm himself down.
"My bad, my bad." I chuckled. "Jamison is just too fancy. It's like calling a Chihuahua
Reginald. It just doesn't work. What about Jay? Are you cool with that?" I could tell I was
poking at his last nerve now, and honestly though it was fun I wasn't trying to make living
with him a complete hell. "Fine, Jamison it is. Lets continue our walk? I'll make sure to keep
to myself now alright?"
I honestly didn't intend on calling him Jamison any other day but today. I figured basically
pushing him down was enough trouble for today, and that I should probably lay off for a
bit. I know my limits.
We didn't get much further down the path before Jamie- ahem, Jamison, needed to sit
down. As soon as those park benches came into view, he nearly sprinted his way over to
them.
"I'm not out of shape, I promise." He laughed as he plopped down on the nearest seat. "I'm
just not much of a distance walker."
"That's fine; it's a beautiful day outside." I shrugged, taking my seat next to him. A few
people who recognized me from god knows what stopped and waved, I knew they were
stopping to see who I was with, but I gave them a disgruntled head nod that just sent them
on their way. Let them think what they want about me and my new roommate. Their
opinions matter less than their names to me.
"So you're pretty popular around her?" He asked, shifting his body towards me.
"I wouldn't say popular." I laughed. "That's a high school thing. I'm just known."
"What's the difference?" Normally I would have snapped back with something snarky, but I
could tell he just really didn't know.
"Popular is like... When you're part of an elite group of people and everyone wants to be
your friend, where as I'm just known from the shit I've done." I could see the wheels
turning in Jamison's head. He was definitely trying to process something, but I thought I
had made it pretty clear. "What?"
"So, are you going to have a bunch of parties in our dorm?"
"No!" I laughed. "Hell no. Last thing I need is for some crazy girl to know which dorm I'm
staying in and try to stalk me back there again." I watched as a wave of relief swept over
Jamison's face. "BUT," I interjected, making that frown pop right back up. "Just because
we're not having parties in our dorm, doesn't mean you can get out of actually going to a
party with me. I'm not letting you waste away your college days with your nose in a book."
"Isn't that what college is for?" He asked in all innocence. I swear it's like this kid has never
watched TV.
"Yeah, but not when you're rooming with me." I chuckled. "Now come on, we've got a whole
other side of the campus to explore." I briefly patted his leg as I stood up, and I could feel
his entire body tense under my hand. I didn't know whether to be offended or worried, so I
decided to just not be either. If it bothered him enough, he'd tell me.
The rest of the trip around campus was pretty quiet, some people actually did stop us to
talk which was ridiculously annoying, but I played nice and kept my words short. Jamison
didn't talk at all when people would stop us, unless asked a direct question. Which I found
out is how he deals with most things. Getting him to talk was almost like prying teeth, but I
guess in some ways that's better.
I would never have to worry about someone talking my ear off, nor would I have to worry
about someone not listening to me when I spoke.
We got back to our dorm at around four that evening. Like I said, it was a big campus. I
could tell Jamison was tired, but I was still all riled up.
"Alright book worm, I'm gonna shower." I stated as I pulled out my wallet and phone from
my pockets. "There is a menu in the top drawer over there, call the Chinese restaurant and
order us some food. I like the number seven with WHITE rice." I said, making sure to
emphasize what type of rice I liked. Lord knows if they give me that brown gross vegetable
rice again, I'm going to have a fit. "Order yourself whatever you want." I tossed over both
my phone and wallet and smiled. "It's the red card, don't worry about price."
Jamison looked at the two objects as if they were from different worlds, but I didn't give
him time to object. I just grabbed my bag and headed into our bathroom. I should have
definitely unpacked my clothes, but I was too damn lazy to do so... Not that carrying my
duffle bag around was any less work, but... Well, you'd have to be lazy illogically lazy like
myself to understand.
For instance; unpacking isn't fun, but walking around campus was though. Especially
around people who knew about my sexuality. I knew they were dying to ask if Jamison was
"someone special", but they all knew better than to actually do so. He could be my brother
for all they know. So I guess you could say I'm just lazy when it comes to boring things.
My shower was short lived. I really didn't need to take one, but I just wanted to wash away
any worry of having to take one tomorrow when I'd have to wake up early for class. This
way I could sleep in and get that 'perfect' bed head look so many tried to achieve by using
gels and sprays.
Don't get me wrong, if I look like ass I will definitely take some time preparing myself, but
usually it just comes naturally. Not to toot my own horn or anything.
I slipped into an old pair of sweats and threw on the hoodie sitting on top of my bag.
Though it was August, it was never truly warm in Michigan. Especially being right smack
dab in the middle of the state which was basically surrounded by water. We also didn't
really have a choice in what the temperature was either. If we complained, Joyce just said
buy a blanket and socks, which I didn't mind. Some kids can't handle anything over 68
degrees. Like Joyce says "It's easier to over heat and die, than it is to freeze to death."
Which I wasn't completely sure was true, but I'd just take her word for it. Arguing with her
never seemed like a good idea.
When I left the bathroom I smiled cheekily at my roommate, I could see the flustered look
on his face and he still had my phone in hand.
"So, did you order the food?" I asked as I dropped my bag at the end of my bed and
throwing my dirty clothes in the hamper beside it.
"No... I tried, but I couldn't understand what the lady was saying; so I just hung up." I bit my
bottom lip to hide the laugh I was desperately trying to fight. I totally forgot that the
restaurant owners wife hardly speaks any English.
"That's okay, I'll call. What do you want?" I asked, taking my phone from him.
"You really don't have to get me anything..."
"I know I don't, if I thought I did I wouldn't have offered. Now what do you want?"
"Uh, the number three I guess then." I nodded and dialed the restaurant. Ordered.
"It's going to take about 25 minute."
"Thank you" he replied.
"No big deal." I shrugged.
"No, it really is. I've got dinner tomorrow." I rolled my eyes but didn't protest. Any amount
of money I could save would probably benefit me in the end.
It took about forty minutes for the food to arrive, to which I answered the door, the
exchange went off without a hitch though. The little Asian girl who must have been the
owners' daughter giggled happily after I winked at her before closing the door.
I might be gay, but I'm not stupid. Winking at them lets me skate by with a crumby tip.
When I wink, they don't bother to look down at the receipt usually... Unless they're not gay,
then they get all huffy.
I handed Jamison his food and sat down opposite of him on my bed. We primarily ate in
silence, and I could tell Jamie was starving. I mean, this was his first meal of the day and I
was too, but I actually took time to taste the food that I had before me.
"Question..." He began, as if I would object to answering something about myself. I nodded
anyways, just to make the process move along a little faster. "Is that your grandmother in
that picture with you?"
I felt my body tense as I looked over at one of the only few items I owned and cherished.
Talking about that woman was hard, so I just shook my head no.
"No, she's not my Grandma; just an old friend." I mumbled as I shoved more food in my
face. I didn't want to let him know it was an uncomfortable topic for me. That would just
lead to more questions I didn't want to answer.
"Oh..." He said, as if my answer was something remotely profound. "You guys just look
happy, that's the only reason I ask."
I nodded quickly in response and turned my attention back to my food in front of me. I
sucked at hiding things when it came to that woman, and I could tell Jamison already knew
I wasn't being completely honest.
Of course he did though. If I was going to keep anything personal around this guy, I'd have
to get better at my poker face.
 I CAN SO SEE

Jamison
I didn't think I would be so nervous to start classes; out of all my issues, having bad nerves
wasn't one of them. I knew that I could handle just about any professor or their workload, I
was in all honors classes in my high school and I took a few college level courses there as
well. But for some reason my nerves got the best of me and my stomach was a little uneasy
as I was about to start my first class.
For a second I started to wonder if my roommate was still sleeping. I tried to wake him up
because he told me to the night before. But he swatted my hand away and put his pillow
over his head. I wasn't going to risk myself being late to help him, so I just left.
He was completely crazy.
Well that's a bit of a lie.
I'm sure a lot of people don't care about the first day of school. Nothing really happens on
the first day. All that's happened to me so far was getting gum stuck to the bottom of my
shoe. I would have to throw them out as soon as I got back to the room. I would gag if I tried
to wash the gum off, so they were as good as trash.
I had to try hard to not think about it or else I would gag in the middle of class. I'm one of
those people that if I have to clean anything gross I'll puke. Or if I hear or see someone or
something puke, I'll also puke. I don't know if there's a word for it, but it happens. It has
happened, as disgusting as it is. It's just another issue I have on my 'list of issues.'
"So after you get your syllabus you can leave. Don't forget to buy your textbooks and have
the first three chapters read by Wednesday."
Three chapters was no big deal. I finished the Harry Potter series in less than a week. And I
was a slower reader back then.
I felt my pocket vibrate and smiled to myself. It could only be one out of three important
people in my life. My sister, dad, or my best friend Livvie. My mom was a little behind on
the times and never learned how to work anything but a nokia so... she doesn't text at all.
Jamison you need to get your butt back here asap! Me and your sister are texting back
and forth about how much we miss you. It's only been a few days but it feels like
decades. We HAVE to finish watching those old seasons of Dr. Who like we said. I refuse
to watch them without you. That is all! Oh wait no it isn't, I hope you're having fun at
school and I hope you have a good day and week and please text or call me soon ok!
Love you!
I smiled again. Livvie was one of the most amazing girls I knew. One of the only girls to ever
talk to me actually.
We became best friends in middle school and ever since then we've been pretty much
inseparable. I felt bad for leaving her behind, but she was a grade below me, there wasn't
much I could do. I mean I could have stayed local but I didn't. Michigan State gave me the
best scholarship so I had to come here. I only hoped that next year she'd be here too.
Calm down! I'm coming home in a few weeks. Or you can totally come visit. I'm sure I
can get a guest pass thingy or whatever they have here. It's pretty ok, I'm heading back
to my dorm now because I got out of my first class early and my other one doesn't start
until after 11. I have so much to tell you, so I'll give you a call a little later or tomorrow
or something. Miss you and love you too!
It didn't take that long to walk back to the dormitories. The campus was huge but I learned
quickly that you must be a fast walker to make it on time anywhere around here. People
just push right past you and don't even apologize.
It was definitely something I'd have to get used to. Back home everyone was really friendly
and cool. Around here, not so much.
"Could you have came in any louder Jamie? I was trying to sleep."
I bit my lip and let my head fall.
"I'm sorry Keagan I didn't think you'd still be asleep. You missed your first class and from
the looks of it you're about it miss your second one too," I said in a matter of fact tone. "And
for the last time, it's not Jamie. It's Jamison."
He slowly sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes.
His hair was still intact from yesterday somehow. He must put so much product in it for it
to stay like that. Either that, or he's just really blessed with good hair. I don't know yet.
"Relax. First of all. It's too early to correct me. Actually never correct me, I don't like it," he
said. "And I will not miss my second class, it's not until after 11 so there."
I took in a breath to hope for just a second that we didn't have the same class together. I
was actually surprised that we never really compared our schedules at all. Probably
because we weren't in the same year or major, but I guess in college it doesn't really matter
about any of that.
"What class do you have?"
He finally emerged from his bed and walked over to his desk.
I tried not to make it look like I was praying we weren't in the same class.
Nothing against him, I just figured it would be best if we didn't. I'd get a lot more done, and
I wouldn't have to worry about being a teacher's pet. Not like I would be, but he'd probably
think I was because I like to ask and answer questions. It makes the classes go by faster,
and it helps connect with teachers.
"Um, today's Monday... I missed sociology. So uh," he moved closer to his notebook.
"Geography with Hodes."
I wasn't even going to ask him why he hasn't taken geography before. That would make
him mad.
"Keagan, do you wear glasses?"
He shot me a look.
"No... why?"
I shrugged my shoulders and pretended like I was about to mind my own business. But that
type of thing wasn't easy for me.
"Well, you might need to. Your face was practically in your notes to read your schedule."
He was giving me such a death glare. It was kind of funny. But I kept my serious face on.
"I do not need glasses. I have 20/20 vision. Thanks for your concern though."
"It's not a bad thing, I have glasses as you can see. Ha ha jokes." Oh that was not funny at all.
Damn I need to work on my puns. "I mean, you should probably go get checked out again
that's all."
"It's early and I just woke up, of course I needed to get close to see. Everyone does," he said
defensively.
I held up my hands. I was in surrender mode. I was just trying to help.
"Ok ok. You can see."
He ignored me while he got himself ready for the day. He may walk fast, but he was like a
sloth when it came to putting clothes on, brushing his teeth, and finding his books. What he
wasn't slow with was eating. I don't think I've ever seen a skinny guy eat as much or as
quickly as Keagan did.
I could assume that he comes from a large family. With lots of men. There's always
competitions between brothers with that sort of thing.
But it's only an assumption.
He had a habit of drinking when he was still chewing.
So gross.
"So do you have any night classes?"
I guess he wasn't the type to hold grudges. He seemed so mad before and now he's starting
a conversation like nothing ever happened. Not like I'm complaining or anything. It's just
interesting I suppose.
"I have one on Thursday. What about you?"
He took a sip of his juice and then swallowed before answering me. Thank god he doesn't
talk with his mouth full.
"Same. It's a health class I forget the name. I'm gonna try to get out of it though because I
never really go to night classes. They're so long and I just want to party on Thursday's so
yeah."
I blinked and shook my head.
"It's not Society and Heath is it?"
"That's the one yup," he said with a hint of remembrance in his voice. "Oh you're in there
too? Maybe I won't switch out then. We could like... study.. or something. Yeah hm I don't
know I'll probably still try and switch it. Nothing against you, I just really won't go. Like, at
all."
I cleared my throat and smirked.
"Why doesn't that surprise me? Like, at all?"
I couldn't help it.
I was a little bit sarcastic at times. It was fun.
He squinted his eyes at me.
"You know what Jamie?"
I knew he said that variation of my name just to get on my nerves, but I played along.
"What?"
He pointed at me.
"You think you know so much about me by first impression. I'm sticking with that class.
And I'll do better than you too. You'll see."
Again, I smirked.
"You're gonna have to actually go if that's your game plan."
He put his finger down.
"Shut up and eat something before you snap in half. You skinny little.. ass."
I wanted to throw something at him, but he'd probably not take that too well. So I just
laughed and put my surrender hands back up.
I guessed I'd be doing that a lot.
 BLUE MOON

Keagan
It didn't take much to piss me off, that being said though I generally got over things fairly
quickly. I hate holding grudges, but something Jamie said really stuck with me.
...Well, I'm lying; it wasn't so much of what he said, but more towards how he acted
towards me. I know he's smart, it's clear as day that he's beyond average in his intelligence;
but he acts like I'm inferior to him. Like I'm seriously the bottom of the barrel and he got
stuck with me.
It's one thing to judge me for sleeping through class, and it's another to call me blind first
thing in the morning, but to laugh at me when I decide I'm going to stick with a class is
pretty fucking degrading.
Sure, I think he was just meaning it all in good fun, but I don't think he understands the
amount of work normal people have to put forth to get even a third of the understanding he
has for this boring material. Little does he know is that I've never failed a course though.
The lowest grade I've ever received was a C+ and that was my first semester here. Being
called stupid or implying that I was stupid has always been a touchy subject anyways. Not
that he would know that, hell, I doubt he even knows my last name, but it doesn't matter.
He can go ahead and act all high and mighty. That's fine. But as soon as I pointed at him and
vowed I would do better, I fucking meant it. And trust me; I have no problems with playing
dirty either.
Though it has never been officially stated, I'm pretty sure Jamie had a little bit of sugar in
his bones. I mean, what straight guy dresses like him? He's always cute. Always.
It didn't look as if he tried hard, but I could tell he had a ritual; much like ever other aspect
in his life. It was weird, so my gut just told me he must be gay, or at least questioning. I
don't really know of any nerdy straight guy who actually cares about his appearance. I
don't know, it's hard to explain.
I doubt he had any idea I was gay though. I hinted at it a few times to see if he would pick
up on it, but nothing yet. So maybe it's time for me to throw a few less subtle hints at him.
This could be my wrench to throw into his routine. Guys like him... Well, people like him
just don't let things go or ignore them. So a touch here, a wink there, and he'll be putty in
my hands.
I felt like an evil genius all day for the rest of the day and for the next few days. I didn't want
to make it obvious that something was up, so I just went about my days normally. I couldn't
do anything in our class on that Thursday either. I just sat quietly next to Jamison, whether
he wanted me to or not, and focused on the professor in front of us. I didn't even breathe
loudly; I just sat there and did my best not to give Jamie anything to complain about inside
his mind.
It was definitely weird to actually behave in class. Normally I sleep, I say something rude,
or I act obnoxiously... But not tonight, and I knew the kids who actually knew me in the
class thought it was weird as well.
"Why do you always wear sunglasses?" I snapped out of my zone and looked over at
Jamison who was now standing up.
"What?"
"You know, you're going to have to pay attention if you want to do better than me as well."
He laughed, but then cocked his head to the side quickly after. "What I asked though was,
why do you always wear sunglasses? Or at least have them with you?"
"They're special... That lady in the picture gave them to me." I stated, feeling my blood
pressure start to rise from him calling me stupid again. I kept my cool though. I knew he
was joking, but it wasn't something I took kindly too; especially since I was called stupid
my entire life.
"Oh okay." He nodded and picked up his school book before stepping out of the way so we
could both leave. "Do you mind me asking who she is? If you don't want to talk about her
you don't have too. But you're making her out to be some big mystery."
I laughed and shook my head. "Her name was Jana. She was this feisty old Boston woman
who took me in when I was in trouble." I said, sharing a little more than I intended to. "She
gave me everything when I had nothing." I threw that in there to cover up my little slip of
tongue. I didn't need him to know more about my home life than that. No one needed to
know anything about that part of my life.
A silence fell over us though as we walked back to the dorms. I knew he was contemplating
everything I said, and I didn't give him much to work with. If he would have asked more, I
would have gladly given him more answers, but he was a smart enough kid not to press.
Jana wasn't a subject that was off limits, but before her definitely was, and I think Jamie
could see that.
So I doubt he had any other questions about Jana, and that's why he stayed quiet.
"Hey, why don't we order dinner again tonight?" I looked over at the short boy next to me
and shrugged.
"Sure, sounds fine with me. Do you have class tomorrow?"
"No I don't think so." He responded wearily, shaking his head along. "Why?"
"We can go grocery shopping. The fridge needs to be filled and I need beer." I said, laughing
slightly.
"So you're a beer guy?" It took everything I had in me not to roll my eyes and sigh. How can
you judge a man based on his alcohol preference.
"Yeah, generally. I'd rather drink a beer at night than smoke. Smoking impairs me too
much, and I'd rather just unwind with something light like beer."
"Oh..." He nodded and scratched the side of his head. "I just ask because my Dad liked beer
too. For almost the same reason as well."
I smirked and continued walking towards the dorm doors. "You don't mind me getting beer
than right?"
"No, not at all, do what you want." He chuckled.
"Cool." I said, trying to kill the conversation, which I managed to do successfully. We were
pretty quiet the rest of the night. We ordered food, Jamie paid, and we ate quietly.
"So you're from Boston?" I sighed at the question. I had thought I was in the clear when he
laid down after eating, but I guess I was wrong.
"No, I'm from Rochester." I yawned. "Jana was from Boston."
"Did you meet her in Boston?"
"No." I laughed. "She moved into a house not too far away from the trailer park I grew up
in." I immediately froze and cursed at myself after the words flew from my mouth. I hated
telling people what type of house I grew up in. I tried so desperately not to look like the
garbage people described me as growing up. That's what I ran away from. That's what I
tried to hide for years! And I just let it out like it was no big deal.
"So did you know her your whole life?"
"Uh... no, I just met her one day." I mumbled, rolling over in my bed so I was facing away
from him. Quickly that silence fell over us again and this time I knew I was safe. I didn't
even care that I was acting weird now. The first time was a fluke, this time... I don't know
what happened. It's like I subconsciously just wanted to tell him everything. I'll have to be
more careful next time. I didn't need him thinking he was anymore better than me than he
already did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next morning I showered quickly and dressed in something a little flashier than my
usual pants and hoodie attire. No, today I made sure I looked significantly better than I
normally did. Black fitted jeans, white shirt with some weird wannabe tribal hipster design
on it, a maroon zip up, a black overcoat, and my grey slouchy beanie. It was pretty cold
outside so I figured bundling would make sense and it wouldn't make it too obvious I was
trying to look good. I tucked my sunglasses into the front of my shirt and smiled at my
appearance. I looked wonderful; it's a wonder how I don't get laid more often.
"Jamie, come on!" I shouted as I slipped my feet into my Vans. "Let's go!" I laughed as Jamie
came stumbling out of the bathroom, his jacket a tangled awkward jumble with his arms
and his right foot half out of his shoe. He was a total mess.
"Sorry, I don't do well with social pressure." He laughed as he straightened himself out. It
was the total truth though, any time I really piped up about something or rushed him, he
tripped over his own two feet trying to get himself together. It was endearing to see how
much I could just completely twist his mind up, but at the same time it was something I
needed to tread lightly with. It was scary knowing I had that kind of control just because of
someone's lack of social graces.
"It's whatever." I yawned, trying to seem disinterested in his still struggling state. "Are you
almost ready?"
He slipped his foot the rest of the way into his shoe and nodded as he fluffed out his coat,
making sure it sat where it was supposed to.
"Alright cool, so grocery store and then... That's it right? Did you need to go anywhere
else?" He shook his head no, and I just took that as the only response I was getting.
So I led us out the door, waved at Joyce and blew her a kiss and then took the little doe eyed
Jamison out to my car.
"So, you and the lady at the front desk are friends?"
"Yeah," I chuckled. "Joyce and I go way back. She's handled all my roommate changes and
what not."
"Oh, so she put us together?" I nodded and waited until Jamie was situated before pulling
out of the parking lot.
"Yep, she sure did. She thought you were adorable so she stuck you with me." I glanced
over and smiled as I watched his cheeks light up.
"You'll have to thank her for me, for the cute thing that is." He said as he looked out the
window. His face was set in that contemplative look he had every time he was
concentrating hard on something. Unlike most people, thank god, his was a little different.
He didn't look like he had to poop when he thought hard. No, in fact he almost looked like
he was blissfully lost in his own thought. It was a cute look, but I digress.
When we got to the grocery store, I made sure I stocked up on canned foods. Raviolis and
soups that didn't take much work to make, nor did they need to be stored in the fridge.
Then we moved on to the frozen food. I hated frozen meals, but I made sure to grab like
pizza pockets and what not. I made sure to grab a few healthier items too that wouldn't
spoil within a few days, and I let Jamison pick out whatever he wanted as well. He was
smart about the shopping as I was seeing as we only had a limited amount of space and a
limited way to eat things, so he grabbed mainly boxed snacks and canned goods as well.
"Oh shit! I almost forgot!" I laughed. "Here, hold the cart." I shouted as I ran off, leaving
Jamie in a bewildered daze.
I smiled as I found my favorite isle. There were so many different kinds to pick from, but I
settled with Blue Moon. I generally liked the flavored/spiced beers more than just the
watery normal American beers. They were sweeter, and I honestly think if I got Jamison to
try one, he'd like it.
"Oh yeah." Jamie laughed as I walked back to him. "I forgot you wanted beer."
"Mhm! And guess who is going to join me tonight in cracking open the first two fall beers of
the fall season?"
It was hard not to laugh at the way Jamie's face contorted. He didn't look too excited, but
really, he didn't have much of a choice. He was at least going to try it because the worst
thing that could happen is that he wouldn't like it, and then I would have two beers instead
of one tonight.
Which in hindsight wasn't such a bad thing in my mind.
 COME HERE

Jamison
I never considered myself a party person. I don't even like to dance, drink, or be around a
big group of people. So I guess that pretty much labeled me as a loser. Especially to the
people around here. I really didn't think this school was known for partying and stuff like
that, but the fact that it was a dorming school should have gave that away. These kids are
away from their families and lives, of course they're going to want to drink.
But I don't think that's the reason why. I think they just want to feel free and loose and
things like that. Which I personally never understood, because I hate the feeling of losing
control. I wouldn't want to wake up one morning next to someone I didn't know. That's not
the type of person I was. In fact, I was the exact opposite. Never had I ever slept with
someone that I didn't love; that may have only been one person but still. I did love him, and
I always would.
Some people think it's weird to have sex with your best friend, but not me. I think it's all
about trust really. He was one of the only ones I trusted with my secrets, my ideas, and my
body. He was the type of guy who would be there in a second if I ever called and needed
something.
It's neither of our faults that things didn't work out between us; we didn't ever want to be
together so there was no harm no foul there. Would it have been nice? Yea. Would it have
ruined everything? Also yea. So that's why we stopped sleeping together and just stayed
friends.
It was hard at first, because I always wanted to be close to him. So we kept our distance for
a while. And then once we started to be normal around each other I got accepted into
college.
I guess everything happens for a reason, I was meant to go here to get over Russ. I probably
never would have if I saw him everyday. He was just one of those people that were
infectious to be around; infectious in a good way. He smiled, I smiled. He laughed, I laughed.
He bit his lip, and I pounced on him.
But those days are over. No more pouncing. No more kissing. No more touching. None of
anything.
I missed it, sure.
And to be honest, it's been a while since I've even been near anyone. Something told me
that that would probably change soon, only because it's been a few months and statistically
for a guy my age, that's already too long for no human contact. Other than family that is. I'm
pretty sure I was hugged goodbye when they helped move me in.
"Jamie, we're leaving soon. Aren't you going to like, change?"
I sighed at the misuse of my name yet again.
Then I looked down at the outfit I had on and became confused. Why did I need to change? I
put at least minimal thought into what I was wearing.
"What's wrong with what I have on?"
Keagan laughed at me and took a sip of his beer. He was a fan of pregaming. He was already
tipsy and we hadn't even left yet.
"You can't wear anything nice to parties... everyone knows that. Except you obviously. You
have to wear a shirt you don't really care about and regular jeans, or shorts. But it's too
cold for shorts so I'd go with jeans, which you don't have to change unless they're
expensive or something. Because you're going to get beer spilled on you. Or other
substances... I can't say with certainty that you'll come out clean."
Oh.
Other substances?
Like what?
Spit? Throw up? Ew.
Being a germaphobe in this case was very debilitating.
I said nothing, I just started to take off my shirt because I did indeed care about it. It wasn't
a lot of money or anything but it was nice, and it looked nice on me so I didn't want it to get
ruined. Keagan was kind of still dressed pretty nice even though he told me not to. But from
my observations it seemed like he didn't own any clothes that weren't good quality.
That's much better," he said as he finished his can and threw it out. "Let's go, it's already
past 10."
I didn't think he'd care much about being 'late' to a party, but I was wrong. He knew a lot of
people and they were expecting him so he didn't want to show up when they were too
drunk to notice his arrival.
We were only going up a few floors for the party. I figured it would be close, but the same
dorm? It just seemed... stupid. If that makes sense. Because what's the difference between
our room and theirs?
After we walked in, I was made aware of the difference.
The room was much bigger, and packed with people.
I never saw anything like it in my life. There was so much crazy stuff happening. Just like in
TV and movies. There was loud music, messes everywhere, people hooking up in corners,
and people doing keg stands. Also half-naked girls, food everywhere, and drinking games
being played.
Keagan was in his element, but he introduced me to his friends as his roommate, and that
was pretty cool. He could have just left me and did his own thing, but he didn't.
I didn't want to take a drink, but it was a sealed bottle of beer so I accepted it and began to
drink it. I didn't expect to drink anymore than two. I wasn't planning on being drunk.
"Jamie you have to play flip-cup. It's so fun I don't even care if you make us lose, come on."
It sounded like a game that I would be awful at. But I didn't want to just stand there and
watch so I agreed to play.
"You just wait until I get my cup upside-down and then you drink, when you're done you
have to use the table and flip your cup upside-down too, then it's over. Got it?"
I nodded my head in agreement and got ready. It was simple enough, but I was still
nervous.
But after we won our few first rounds, I found out that I was pretty good at flip cup.
Keagan's friends didn't believe that I had never played before.
Little did they know that I was a terrible liar. Like so bad.
"That was awesome. Who knew you had flip cup winning skills?" He asked, sounding even
more intoxicated than he had before we started playing.
Actually, I felt a little dizzy myself. I wasn't a drinker. This could end up bad.
"I think I'm going to sit down for a bit Keagan," I said and pointed to a couch.
But he grabbed my arm.
"No!" He laughed. "You can't sit. If you sit you'll get lazy and tired and probably pass out
with all those people just sitting there watching you, and we don't want that. Besides, we
have to play kings. I know you've played kings. Literally everyone and their mother has
played. And if you haven't then I'm going to question your existence just a little bit."
I laughed and shook my head.
"I have played. In high school. You'll have to remind me of the rules."
He smirked.
"You'll re-learn as we play. If I tell you, that's cheating."
I accepted that even though I didn't consider it cheating. I was in no condition to argue with
him, and he was in no condition to do much of anything.
As we started to play, I slowly started to remember the rules. And for the first time in a long
time I actually felt like I was having fun. Actual fun. Not studying and reading fun. Social
fun. The kind of fun I rarely had.
I was surprised that Keagan's friends weren't mean to me, they pretty much acted like I
was already friends with them. But I guess that's what happens when you go to college.
People are less of jerks and treat people like actual human beings.
"Jack is never have I ever," one of Keagan's girl friends said to me. "You put up three fingers
to start. You say something that you've never done, and then whoever has done it will put
their finger down. We go around in a circle until someone runs out of fingers; that person
loses and drinks. Ok?"
I nodded and tried to think.
There was a lot that I haven't done. But I didn't want to say anything that would make me
sound like a complete and total loser. I mean, I was. But I didn't want anyone to know that
about me. I think they thought I was cool or something.
It was awesome.
"Never have I ever drove a 5-speed."
I thought that was a good enough response.
A few people put their fingers down, Keagan included.
Of course, he probably owned a 5-speed, or a 6-speed. He looked like the type.
"Never have I ever got caught having sex," one of Keagan's friends said.
That was a good one, I should have thought of that.
But my mind didn't really work like that. I wasn't what anyone would call a sexual person.
Sure, it felt good and it was something to do but I wasn't one of those guys who constantly
thought about it.
And again Keagan put his finger down.
I was learning a lot about him just from this game. It was his turn now.
"Never have I ever," he paused and looked at me. "Drank until I blacked out."
I wasn't sure why he looked at me, it's not like I'd put my finger down. I barely even drank
and he knew that. I guessed it was just a coincidence that he looked in my direction.
Eventually someone ran out of fingers and the game stopped, but I was just beginning to
like it. I hoped that another jack would come up soon. Keagan was starting to seem like this
mysterious guy that I wanted to know more about. Or maybe the alcohol was messing with
my head. Definitely a possibility.
The game only lasted about fifteen more minutes because some people got bored.
All I knew was that my head hurt and I was drunk. Not wasted or anything, but I was
feeling it.
Keagan was pretty drunk, stumbling and a bit of a mess. He insisted on staying though,
apparently he wasn't done for the night. I stopped drinking to save myself the headache I'd
get in the morning but he continued. I wasn't going to try and stop him, he was having fun
and it was the weekend so it was his choice.
I watched him play beer pong with his friends. I... studied him. He was really friendly with
them. Like, in a way that guys would be with girls. I began to wonder if maybe by some
chance he was into guys. But I highly doubted it. He was probably just really comfortable
with himself and was close to his friends. Lots of guys were like that.
In a really weird way, I liked seeing him like that. It made him seem less annoying
somehow.
"Keagan you're too fucking good at this game," the tall blonde guy he was partnered with
said to him with a hand on his shoulder. "that means you play too much. You're such a
party animal I love it. You need to come around more this semester man."
I saw the blond grip his shoulder and Keagan looked up at him.
"I will I will. You just shoot me a text and I'm here," he said, slightly slurring his words. "But
anyways, that was my last game, I don't wanna go too hard the first night. Gotta built up to
that."
"Understandable. I'll catch you later, don't fall down the stairs on your way back," the blond
said with a wink.
Keagan approached me and nodded his head towards the door. I walked with him out even
though I felt weird without saying goodbye to anyone.
He struggled a little bit going down the stairs, so I helped him as much as I could.
Once we got back to the room we both kicked off our shoes. It was weird because we did it
at the exact same time like we knew the other person was going to do it. We both laughed
about it and shook our heads.
"Thanks for bringing me out Keagan. I had a lot of fun. I needed that."
I smiled at him and he returned the smile.
"See? Partying isn't what you thought it was gonna be. My friends are great. Get used to
nights like this."
I smiled again, and turned to go crawl into my bed; but he stopped me. He pulled me by my
wrist over to his bed. I was so confused, but I let him pull me. He smelled like beer but it
wasn't gross or anything, I probably smelled just like him.
His face got extremely close to mine, but not close enough to make me uncomfortable.
"Come here."
He fell back onto his bed and dragged me with him. He said nothing else, he just grabbed
my body and held me. My eyes were so tired but so wide at the same time. I had no idea
how to react. My roommate was cuddling with me. I didn't even think he could stand me,
and here he was using me as a body pillow.
But I didn't hate it.
And I didn't stop it.
In fact, I liked it.
It felt nice. He was warm and his shirt was soft. I turned myself to get more comfortable
and I felt myself drifting off into a much needed slumber.
 ANOTHER KNOTCH ON MY BELT

Keagan
It was an odd scent. Almost blossom like... Who am I kidding, I don't know what a blossom
smells like, but it was pretty like a flower. Even though I knew where it was coming from, I
couldn't get enough. I wanted to bury my nose in Jamie's hair forever, but I kept my
distance... Well tried to at least.
"Keagan, you're uh... Poking me." I opened my eyes for the first time and looked down at
the boy in my arms. His face turned bright red as our eyes met, and I couldn't help but
laugh.
"Sorry." I yawned as I moved my face away, trying to shield him from having to smell my
morning breath. "It's your fault though."
"My fault? How?"
"It was your butt that was pressed against my crotch most of the night, and it was you who
was the star in my dreams last night."
"I... I, what?"
"You heard me." I yawned again as I stretched out my limbs. "Now, I'm going to go shower
and fix my problem since I doubt you'd be willing to just do it for me."
I could feel his eyes burning into my back as I got up and scooted my way out of the bed, so
I made sure to put on a little show for him as I stood up.
Though it was pretty concealed, you could still see a decent portion of the semi I was
sporting through my jeans. So of course I flashed it off, glancing occasionally over at Jamie
to see if he was looking or not.
"Hey, my eyes are up here." I laughed, causing him to jump almost simultaneously. "Quit
being such a pervert Jamie, you had your chance." I shot him a wink and grabbed my
clothes before sauntering off into our shared bathroom.
My shower was, needless to say, a long lived one; a hot, steamy, long and probably beyond
x-rated shower.
I initially planned on going out there in my towel to show off a little more, but then I figured
I put Jamison through enough this morning.
So I made myself look relatively well for a Sunday and got dressed in the normal jeans and
long sleeved shirt I had brought in with me.
It dawned on me immediately as I reached for the door that Jamie might have a hangover,
so sweet ol' me grabbed the ibuprofen before actually exiting the room.
Much to my surprise, Jamie was actually still in my bed, cuddled up to my pillow, with his
eyes shut tightly.
"Hey man, you okay?" I whispered as softly as I could before grabbing a water bottle from
the fridge.
"Oh! Shit..." He laughed "I didn't hear the water turn off."
"No worries," I chuckled as I moved him over and plopped down beside him. "Here's some
ibuprofen if you have a hangover."
"Thanks..." He took both the medicine and the water before staring blankly at them both.
"Why are you being so sweet?"
"I'm not, I'm being human."
"Mm, well thank you anyways." He said as he stuffed a few pills in his mouth and took a
swig of the water.
"Don't mention it."
We sat there quietly for a while, and honestly it was nice; in a weird way... Like I've never
just been comfortable around someone. We weren't talking, touching, or making out... We
were just sitting there. And the more I thought about how comfortable I was, the more
uncomfortable I became.
"So Keagan, what are your plans for today?" Jamie asked, breaking the now uncomfortable
silence... I guess he was feeling the same way I was.
"Nothing I can think of. Why? Did you have ideas?"
He shook his head no and shrugged. "No, not necessarily, but I did promise my best friend
I'd Skype with her today."
"Oh, so are you trying to get me out of the room for a while?" I asked, trying to sound
offended.
"No no no! That's not it! I just didn't want to be rude and leave you hanging."
I chuckled and patted the top of his head. "Calm down, calm down. I'll be quiet I promise.
Sundays are for relaxing right? I'll just chill out on my bed, while you talk to your friend on
your bed."
"Is that a hint?" Jamie asked as he nudged my arm.
"To get out of my domain? Yes yes it is. But you should probably go fix yourself up before
your Skype date. You look like you just had sex, and a lot of it."
The word mortified didn't even begin to cover the expression on his face, but it was pretty
close. He acted as if he couldn't get out of the room fast enough.
It was cute, like... Really cute how embarrassed he got. Like the thought of him doing
something dirty with me was too much to handle and sent him into a complete frenzy.
Though I'm not entirely sure that's exactly what he's feeling, I'm just going to go with that.
His shower didn't take nearly as long as mine did, for obvious reasons, but he did spend an
ample amount of time in the bathroom afterwards. Maybe it was because I was still out
here? I don't know, or at least I didn't know until he hurried out of the bathroom.
He looked amazing.
His hair was perfectly done, his clothes fit his body nicely, and I could smell his shampoo
from my bed. Not that I was complaining. By far his scent had to be my favorite... A little
girly, but still just so amazing.
"Damn Jamison." I wolf called, making sure to use his actual name for emphasis. "Is this a
hot date or something?"
"No..." He blushed as he pulled out his laptop. "I just want her to know that I'm doing okay
out here. If I look like shit, she'll know something's up."
I chuckled and nodded understandingly as I let him go about calling up his friend.
"Jamison!" I nearly fell out of bed completely startled by that ear shattering squeal. "Oh my
God, I've missed you so much!"
"Hey Livvie, I've missed you too." He chuckled.
"So tell me everything! How's your roommate? Keagan right? Is he super hot? Is he gay?
What's he like?" Jamie looked over at me apologetically. I knew that this was probably my
queue to leave the room, so he and his bestie could gossip, but I couldn't pass this
opportunity.
So instead I got up and sat next to Jamie. I smiled charmingly at the average, but cute girl on
the screen before wrapping my arm around Jamie's shoulders.
"Why don't you just ask me yourself?"
Her jaw dropped instantaneously as I finished my sentence, and the atmosphere in the
room grew thicker and thicker with each second between Jamie and myself.
"I... Uh..."
"Keagan, you said you'd sit on your bed quietly." Jamie grunted. "You-"
"Your friend is clearly curious about me, and seeing me first hand clearly answered her
question! I don't see the problem!" I interrupted and turned back to the camera. "Yes I'm
super hot, I'm not gay per say; I'm more bisexual, and I'm an asshole... Or at least that's
what Jamie's thinking about me right now, so we'll just go with that."
"Jesus Keagan-"
"Look, Jamison if this is a bad time I can just call you back later..." His friend interrupted
him, but he just glared at me as if I had done something wrong.
"Why are you so mad?" I laughed.
"Because unlike you I have friends that actually give a shit about what's going on in my
world, who actually care about me instead of what I can bring to a party, and you
interrupting and being a total douche to said friend pisses me off." It was almost as if his
mind just exploded through his mouth, and I could tell that he wanted to take back each
and every word the moment he was finished. "Oh Keagan, I didn't-"
"No, it's fine." I smirked, causing Jamison to go from looking apologetic to annoyed again.
"You and your little friend go ahead and talk, I won't bother you again." I turned to the
camera and smiled at the girl on screen. "Sorry for being such a bother Livvie, it was nice
meeting you."
I got up, grabbed my wallet phone, and keys, and left without another word.
I scrolled through the massive amounts of missed calls and texts I had received until I
found the name I was looking for.
"Hey Blondie," I laughed as the tall blonde guy from the party last night picked up the
phone. I think his name is Adam, but honestly I don't really care at this point. "What are you
up too?"
"Bout to pop open a bottle and watch some stupid cartoons, no ones here besides me; you
down to chill?"
"Eh, I guess." It wasn't my ideal night, but this guy has been after me since the moment we
met; and if there is one thing I've learned from my childhood it's that beggars can't be
choosers.
"Alright alright, come up stairs then. Doors unlocked."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It didn't take long for Adam... Or Darren or who ever the fuck he was to get annoying. He
was a decent guy, but clingy as all hell. I thought about just fucking him and getting it over
with, but I just wasn't in the mood.
Another notch on my belt was the last thing I needed. If I went back to my dorm a hot mess,
it would just fuel the fire for Jamison's clear disdain for me today.
Him and I were definitely bipolar with how we felt towards each other. One minute he's a
useless nerd, and then next all I want to do is sit beside him or talk with him. For him... Well
it hardly seems to shift from thinking I'm just some spoiled asshole, but occasionally I get
this accepting vibe from him. I don't know.
What he said earlier today didn't even really offend me, sure it stung a bit, but I've known
since I was eighteen that the one and only person who would ever care about me was gone,
and since then I've come to terms with that. Jana was my saving grace and now all I can do
is protect myself like she taught me to.
I didn't need any body any more, and I was fine with being alone. I just never thought
someone would call me out on it.
"Keagan, pass the bottle..." Adam or Darren slurred. I looked down and saw that I had drank
more than three fourths of it myself so I just passed it off to him. Usually I'd fight and make
him go get his own even though technically this was his own, but tonight I just wasn't
feeling as feisty as I normally am.
"Look, uh, thanks for having me over dude." I said, desperately avoiding using his name.
"But I'm gonna go. I'm not feeling to hot right now. I'll catch you around though."
As I stood up all the alcohol I had drank hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Why don't you stay here, my beds big enough for the two of us..."
I laughed incredulously and shook my head.
"You're cute Adam, or Darren, or who ever the fuck you are, but not tonight man."
His drunken eyes sobered up real quick as he sighed.
"You don't even know my name." I shrugged and he bit his lip. "It's Kyle for Christ sake.
We've known each other for how long now?"
"Look, Kyle, I don't care right now. I'm kinda sorry alright, take that and run with it. I'll
catch you later man, don't take this to heart alright?" He rolled his eyes but didn't say
anything else. I took that as a good sign though. Most people who didn't want to see me
again usually yelled. Quiet was good though. Quiet meant that I hurt their feelings, but not
too badly that I wasn't welcomed back.
As I staggered back to my dorm I stopped in front of the vending machine and looked
through all the food. Though it wasn't an ideal apology present I bought a few things of
sour candy. I figured sour candy should fix a sour mood, right?
I fumbled with my key for what seemed like hours until I got it in. All the lights in the room
where turned off and I could hear Jamie lightly snoring. I guess it was later than I thought...
Or he was just being a dweeb and went to bed early for class in the morning.
Either way, I found a sharpie and wrote sorry all over the bags of candy before tucking
them under his arm and stumbling my way back into my bed.
It wasn't much, but I figured a simple kid like Jamie would appreciate the gesture.
 APOLOGY ACCEPTED

Jamison
I woke up from my deep sleep kind of abruptly. I didn't really remember what I was
dreaming about, but whatever it was startled me enough to wake me up 10 minutes before
my alarm was supposed to go off. Usually I hated when that happened, but I read some
research that said that when you wake up right before your alarm, it's a good thing because
your body develops a natural alarm clock or something. So I just accepted it.
As I started to stretch to wake myself up further, I noticed that I had candy buried
underneath me. It was so strange because I had no idea where this candy came from, I
didn't buy any recently... so I was really confused.
That is, until I opened up my eyes and saw the 'sorrys' written on each one.
Wow, I didn't think that Keagan used that word. I wasn't aware that he was capable of
feeling sorry for his actions. Not like he was this awful person or anything like that, but he
seemed to have no filter whatsoever. He said and did whatever he wanted to and that was
that. But I guess I blew up at him kinda harshly and that made him feel bad.
I shouldn't have been that dramatic about it, I was just nervous that Livvie would notice
something was up between us. Which isn't even a valid statement because there isn't
anything happening between Keagan and I. We slept together in the literal sense, but that
was it.
He did sort of flirt with me in a weird way, but I had a feeling that he did that with a lot of
people. I wasn't special.
I shouldn't feel special.
Not with him, not with anyone.
"I see you found the candy," Keagan said from across the room.
Honestly I was shocked that he was awake at this hour. He didn't have class until later.
"Yes I found them. Thank you," I said as I moved some of the candy out of my way so I could
get up. "Apology accepted. Sour candy is my favorite."
I wasn't going to eat any now, I couldn't eat anything sweet or sour before noon. I'd
probably throw it up. Never had I before, it was just a fear so I had so I never put myself in
that position before. But I was thankful that Keagan cared enough to make it up to me with
one of my favorite candies.
"It was a good guess. I just got what I liked. Selfish, I know. But that's basically what I am.
And hey it worked out so it must not be that bad."
I shook my head.
He was selfish. And other things. But getting into it now wouldn't do either of us any good
really. I was never one to start fights. Or end them. Or even get into them. I was a pretty
peaceful person actually. I never got into arguments with friends or family members. I was
always afraid of losing someone I cared about over something stupid.
I know that everyone makes mistakes; that's a given. But I try my hardest not to, with
anything in life that I happen to do. Mistakes just make me feel bad about myself. It's stupid
but it's just how my mind works. Sometimes I really can't stand how much my mind goes
into overdrive. I overthink almost everything and it's quite annoying.
"So how come you're awake anyways? Did you want to see the excitement on my face as I
woke up to these?"
I asked that question a bit more sarcastic than I planned. I hoped it didn't make him angry.
He always takes things I say the wrong way without my intention.
"Very funny Jamie," he said with a smirk. "No. That's not why I'm up so early. You know me
too well- I have a bad habit of sleeping in too late. But I woke up because my back hurts.
This bed sucks. I need to buy one of those cushions that go underneath the sheet. You know
what I'm talking about?"
I nodded.
"I think what you're talking about is called egg crate foam or something. I'm sure they're
under 20 bucks on amazon or ebay."
He bent backwards and held onto his lower back.
"I definitely need one of those. It's just strange because I've never had a problem with my
bed before. Maybe I'm getting old."
I laughed.
"Yea grandpa, you better go on and get one before you throw your back out."
I realized quickly that what I said didn't exactly make sense, but it made him smile so I
didn't bother to try and take it back or correct myself. I also realized that Keagan's teeth
were freaking perfect. Like why? And how? He has good hygiene habits and all but he could
literally be on a commercial for toothpaste.
Guess I never noticed before because he was such a jerk. Maybe I'm seeing better qualities
in him now because we're starting to get along.
"Shut your mouth before I steal all your candy once you leave. I'm only nice for a limited
amount of time so you better be appreciative right now."
I was happy that he used the word appreciative, because that's exactly what I was. He
didn't have to apologize and he didn't have to give me a peace offering. But he did. And I
very much appreciated it.
Again, I shook my head at him. I got out of my bed finally and began to get ready for the
day.
Classes were going great and I was happy about that. After all, it was only freshman year. I
wasn't expecting anything too crazy out of a 100 level class. I was pretty much used to
taking lots of notes and writing papers about various topics. The only thing I wasn't used to
was not asking to use the bathroom. In high school they made it seem like a felony if you
didn't get permission to go. In college you have the freedom to walk out whenever you
please. Some people even get up and leave early without saying anything.
I liked college; I liked the lifestyle. And the more days that went by, the more I liked being a
dorm student. Sure I missed my family and friends so much. But I was an adult now; I'd
have to get used to them not always being there with me. It felt nice to feel independent for
once.
But as much as I felt independent, I knew that I wasn't fully.
I still relied on other people besides myself.
I relied on Keagan too. He doesn't know that I do, but I do.
I rely on him to get me through the day sometimes.
He makes me happy in a weird way. I mean I hate it when he calls me Jamie, and I hate
when he's rude and annoying and crazy. But it's way better than having a roommate who
denies my existence; which was what I expected.
Keagan wasn't what I expected in general, but all in all; he's pretty ok.
When I was finished with classes I returned back to the room like I usually did. Keagan
wasn't there, he made it to class on time for once. I was proud of him.
I decided to give Livvie a call since I didn't have that much work to do.
"Hey! I thought you'd be super busy today, is everything alright hun?"
"Yes everything's fine I just have some free time so I thought I'd give you a call."
"Oh my god Jamison your roommate is so freaking hot. You know that right? Like I'm sure I
said it a million times but you seriously have to get on that!"
My cheeks were burning with embarrassment.
"Stop. No I don't. We're friends. He's not my type. I'm certainly not his type so just forget it.
I called to talk to you about life not about Keagan."
I heard her sigh.
She was such fag hag. I hate that term but it's literally the only one I could come up with.
"He is part of your life now to be fair. But ok have it your way. How's your classes and
stuff?"
"Good. A little on the boring side but I have a few classes that I'm interested in. After I take
all the general classes I'll be able to chose ones that have to do with my major so that'll be
fun. How's everything back home? How's Russ?"
I almost didn't want to talk about him. We hadn't talked to each other since I left. It was
better that way. I'm guessing that he told Livvie what happened between us. Russ was very
trustworthy, but I wouldn't think that he'd keep something like that from Livvie. She was
just as much a friend to him as I was. The only reason why I didn't say anything was
because Russ asked me not to.
"He's been a little off lately to be completely honest with you. I think he misses you, but he
says he's cool with you being gone. I just don't know. Why is he acting weird? You guys
didn't fall out, did you?"
Wow so he didn't tell her.
But why?
"No Livvie, I swear. I have no idea why he's acting off. I mean, if he does miss me then that
could be the reason. Is he um.. seeing anyone?"
I didn't want to know. But if he was then I would have some investigating to do.
"Russ? Seeing someone? No. He doesn't like anyone. He's pretty much asexual Jamison I
thought you knew that."
Ha.
If only she knew.
"I was just asking, don't be so harsh. Well how about I'll text him later and see if I notice
what's going on with him?"
I could almost hear her nod.
"Ok yea that would work. You're good at reading people. I wish I was. I can never tell. Ugh I
miss you. You need to come home."
I felt so bad that she was left in the dark. But there wasn't anything I could say. Russ
wanted to keep it a secret and I had to protect it. I was willing to do that for him.
"I'll try to come home in two weeks or so. Hang in there. But I should get going, I have some
things to do."
"Me too. I'll text you tomorrow. Bye bye."
"Bye Livvie."
I hated the fact that I was looking forward to getting drunk over the weekend. Maybe not
getting drunk. Just drinking in general. But knowing that Russ is acting weird and Livvie is
oblivious to it all just makes me feel like dirt.
Keagan is going to turn me into an alcoholic.
And the sad part is that he will absolutely be ok with that.
 BUTTERCUP

Keagan
This week sucked.
Absolutely and totally sucked; I don't think I've ever really applied myself to an academic
course in years. I was fantastic in art, like... Abnormally good at it. I wouldn't go so far as to
say I was an artist or that art was a passion of mine, but I did well and cared enough to
willingly pay attention. Sadly though, only one of my classes this term is art related. Other
than that, I had to buckle down and take some serious courses.
But back on subject, yeah... This week fucking sucked. I actually found myself sitting in my
room quietly, and reading through a text book. Not only that, but I was writing shit down as
well. ON TOP OF THAT, it wasn't even for the class I had to beat Jamie in.
I feel like a total sell out. A little piece of me died as soon as I caught myself doing that. So I
vowed that I would make up for it this weekend. With or without Jamie, I was going to go
crazy. He had been acting funny since Monday anyways, so I don't know if he'll even be
willing to go, but I'll try.
"What are you doing this weekend?" I looked up from my laptop to see Jamie walking in
from the bathroom, looking a little more flustered and worn out than usual. I don't think he
just beat off, I would have surely heard something right? So what the hell is wrong with
him?
"Uh, same kids are throwing another party later. Wanna go?" It was almost shocking the
response he gave, well, more or less the look. He almost looked relieved when I said party.
It was strange to say the least. No excuses, no sighs, nothing. Just sheer acceptance.
"Yeah, I would really like to, when are we leaving?"
"In a few hours I suppose, it doesn't start until eight. I supplied alcohol last time, so they're
shit out of luck if they wanted me to bring any this time."
"Well, are you sure you don't want to go pick up something? We can go look at the pillow-
top stuff for your back if we hit up Wal-Mart, kill two birds with one stone? I know how big
of a fan you are for pre-gam-"
"Fine fine! We'll go get alcohol, sheesh! You sold me at pillow. Lets go." I shouted,
interrupting his rambling. He didn't have to beat around the bush with me, he should know
that by now.
We walked out to my car in almost silence, there were a few words here and there, but
nothing really important was said. He just kind of gawked at my semi luxury car and asked
how I afforded it, I knew he was curious about it since I let it slip that I was a trailer park
kid, but I didn't comment. I just smiled and told him it was a gift. It practically was, I mean,
Jana couldn't drive her Cadillac anymore. So I had it now, and let me tell you, this thing was
definitely my baby.
Once we got to Wal-Mart, I kind of splurged on myself. I actually sprung out an extra eighty
bucks to get the memory foam topper for my bed. I remember seeing in the commercials
for this stuff that you can jump on it and it won't knock anything over, so I was stoked to try
it out.
"So, are we just getting beer again this time?"
"Uh, not if you don't want too." I laughed. "Why is there something you want more?"
"Well, yes and no, I want you to get your beers, but I think we should have some of this as
well." He grabbed a 40 of mango passion fruit Smirnoff and smiled.
"Well, it's a little fruity, but if you want it I'll get it for you." I chuckled.
"You won't drink it?"
"Now I never said that." We both laughed and made our way to the check out counter. Of
course I was carded, but thank god I had enough charm to distract the old broad from
Jamie's underage ass.
"Should we have gotten juice or something to go with this?" I looked over at Jamie once I
got in the car and cocked my eyebrow, not because it was a stupid question, but because
the kid was already trying to open the bottle.
"Uh, no. You'll be fine, we'll find something while we're there. Just chill out, and don't open
that. Last thing I need is to be charged with a fine for having an open alcohol container in
my car with a minor. Now, lets get back so we can put that pillow thing on my bed and head
out!" He rolled his eyes, but listened and put the bottle down.
And it was weird, because after that I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
I knew something was up, but I didn't think it was necessarily negative. Now I just had this
dark tension cloud looming over me.
But, just to save myself from a headache, I pushed the thoughts as far away as my mind
would let me, and ignored any previous caring feeling I had.
Today was Friday and I wasn't about to let this week suck any worse than it already had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Fucking hell!" I laughed, throwing my arm around Jamie's shoulders as he polished off
another shot. He hadn't had much to drink yet, but I could already see him working up to a
tipsy. "Slow your roll young blood, the night has just begun!"
"How can you tell me to slow down?" He laughed. "You've already had like five shots!"
"I know, but my liver is already beyond repair. I can handle this. I don't want you pooping
out on me before the party even starts!"
Jamie rolled his eyes but smiled. "Well, I'm going to go get me a mixed drink or something
then. Do you want anything?" I looked at my more than half filled glass and nodded,
knowing by the time he worked his way back to me that I'd probably be finished. "Alright
so-"
"Just bring me anything." I blurted, dropping my arm from his shoulders and patting his
ass. "Now go little one and hurry back, I think they're about to start a game now!"
He shot me a glare, but scampered away like he was told.
"Keagan!" I looked over my shoulder to see a familiar face walking toward me. "My man,
how have you been?"
"Leonard!" I shouted, placing a name to his face finally. He wasn't too memorable, but at
least I knew his name. I think I either slept with him, or his sister... I don't remember. It was
one of the two though. Or both. I might have slept with both of them now come to think of
it. Not at the same time though, good heavens, I'm kinky but not disgusting. I have some
form of morals. "I'm decent, just drinking, you?"
"I'm fantastic now that I know you're still kicking it here!" Yep, definitely slept with him if
he's excited to see me. "What are they setting up here?"
I turned my head and shrugged. "I think they're getting the table ready for flip cup."
"Sweet shit! I haven't played this yet this year. Wanna try and join them?"
I shrugged my shoulders again and nodded. "Sure, why not."
The game absolutely sucked. I hated being the first person to go, but somehow it always
ended up that way. It was like they used me first so they knew they had a head start on the
competition.
I'm all for strategies, but I'd like to actually experience the thrill of the game for one. The
middle of the line is definitely where it's at, that's where it's anyone's game.
"Kegan, here." I turned around and smiled as I saw Jamie, I don't know how long he had
been gone, but it had definitely been a while.
"Oh thanks! What took you so long?"
"I've been waiting right here." He sighed. "I didn't want to bother you and your friend."
"Ahhh no worries! Leonard's cool!" I cheered before taking the drink from him and
chugging about half of it. "So what do you wanna do?"
"I don't know, maybe we can catch the next round of flip cup or something?"
"Yeah dude of course! Next game is all yours! I think they're going to play that stupid ice
tray quarters game or something now, but I'll make sure we get a game in."
Jamie nodded curtly but smiled before looking around. "Where's the bathroom around
here? We have a little time before we go up right?"
"It's down that little corridor hall thingy over there." I pointed. "And you've got plenty of
time!" And with that he was gone. He must have really had to go... I felt kind of bad for the
poor kid now, I mean this is the second time he's been here and from the looks of how fast
he escaped, he must have had had to go for a while now.
"Hey hot stuff, c'mere." I looked over at Leonard who was motioning for me lazily.
"What's up man?" I asked, but he didn't respond. He just took my hand and led me away
from the semi crowded area, to a darker semi crowded area. For a second I almost pulled
away so I could wait for Jamie to come back, but he'd understand.
I made my wishes very clear each time Leonard's hand would snake towards my pants. I
didn't want more than a good make out tonight, which I wasn't really getting anyways. He
was sub par at best, and I knew I could find better, but I was just inebriated enough not to
care.
"Dude, look, if you're going to keep grabbing my junk, you can find someone else's face to
spit all over." I laughed as I pushed myself away from Leonard. He may have initiated the
kiss, but I definitely took over. I don't handle being dominated very well, and I wasn't about
to change my ways for someone who couldn't even kiss.
"Awh man, don't be like that, come back, I promise I'll behave..."
"Keagan!" I sighed audibly before turning around. I was really sick of hearing my name
shouted tonight. "Is this where you've been? I've been looking for you for almost an hour
now."
"Oh shit, I'm sorry." I snorted as I sauntered over to him, a little more sway in my hips than
I remembered ever having. "I got a little caught up."
"I can see that." He sighed. "Look, you brought me here tonight and I've been pushed aside
all night. If you didn't want me to tag along, you could have just said so."
"No no, that's not it." I smiled, putting my hands on either one of his shoulders. "Like I said,
I got caught up. Cheer up buttercup, lets go get you and me another drink and we can
demand a game of flip cup."
"No, you know what; I'm just going to go back to the room. I was really looking forward to
this party but... Whatever."
"Wait, Jamison, don't be like that." I whined, but it was already too late. He was basically
out the door before I had even said his name.
"Don't let the party pooper get you down, lets just-"
"Shut up Leonard." I groaned. Last thing I needed was his voice floating through my head as
this rock of guilt settled in my stomach. I was tempted to just drink more to make it go
away, but I knew deep down it wouldn't and that my intoxicated mind would just eat at me
until I caved.
So I just left. Well, I grabbed the first large unopened bottle of alcohol I could find and
headed back to my room.
I hated playing the good guy, but honestly, the party wasn't that much fun anyways.
Especially without Jamie there. The last time he seriously had taken all my attention, and
then this time... What was I even doing? I don't know. I just kind of wanted the attention on
me I guess.
The room was quiet when I got back to it, but I could see a lump curled up on Jamie's bed so
I knew it was him.
"Hey, grumpy gills." I grunted as I flipped on a lamp. The over head light would have just
been too bright right now. "Get up, we need to talk."
Jamie rolled over and looked at me curiously. Clearly I had not sobered up in the past ten
minutes, but he sat up anyways. He kept his head down and his eyes focused on his legs
that were crossed in front of him.
"What?" He asked, breaking me from the semi observant trance I had been in.
"I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your girl friends so if something's bothering you
dude, you're going to have to speak up. I'm not good at this guessing and caring shit."
"It's nothing worth talking about..." He mumbled and sighed.
"Well, it's something, but I'm not going to force you to tell me. So here." I popped open the
bottle I had brought with me and smiled. "We'll have our own little party down here, and
you can forget all about what's troubling you." I took a proud swig of what I quickly
realized was some pretty dense vodka and smiled. "But, we're going over to my bed again.
C'mon."
 IM SHOCKED

Jamison
I took a sip of the vodka that Keagan put in my face before getting up out of my bed. I was
still feeling a little tipsy from before, but I didn't want him to know that. It was hard for me
because I wasn't used to drinking so much, but I tried my best.
As soon as I sat down on Keagan's bed I knew that I was not getting up any time soon. The
new mattress top that he bought felt like a cloud. It was literally so comfortable even just to
sit on; I could only imagine what it would feel like to actually sleep with it.
Keagan took another sip and situated himself on his bed.
I was surprised that he could tell something was up with me. I didn't realize that he had any
intuition about people's feelings at all. Not trying to make him sound like a bad person or
anything, because he's not. But still. He doesn't seem like the type to care about anyone
else's feelings.
"I don't want you to think I'm bent out of shape because of you. That's not it," I said after I
drank from the bottle.
My mind told me to stop drinking, but for some reason the message wasn't received by my
mouth right away. It wasn't until I started to feel dizzy before I put my hand out to stop
Keagan from giving me the Vodka.
"Well I didn't say that you were. But how could I know for sure if you don't say anything?
I'm confused as to why you've been acting different lately. Not just at the party. You know
exactly what I mean."
I shrugged my shoulders.
Maybe I was meant to confide in Keagan. Livvie wasn't aware of what was going on so I
couldn't vent to her, and Russ was my only other friend and he was the reason why I was
acting weird so I couldn't talk to him either. All that was left was Keagan.
I was scared to say anything because Keagan and I don't have the kind of touchy feely
relationship that I'm used to.
How did I know he wouldn't make fun of me for being a baby and whatnot? How did I know
he'd understand? And most importantly, how did I know he wouldn't judge me and view
me differently?
I had no idea, but it didn't stop me from putting myself out there for once.
"It's not so simple Keagan. It's actually really complicated."
He furrowed his eyebrows and looked angry for a moment.
"You don't think I'll get it because I'm stupid, is that it? Because if that's how you feel then
I'm-"
I interrupted him politely.
"No, I promise that's not what I meant by that. I mean like... the situation is complicated in
itself. It's about one of my friends from home, not Livvie. My friend Russell."
"You've never mentioned Russell before. Why is that?"
I was really taken aback that Keagan was talking to me like a normal human being for once.
Did I have to get him drunk in order to get treated like this? Because if that was the case I'd
have to keep a bottle of alcohol in my fridge at all times.
He was making it easier to confide in him, and I liked that. It was a good feeling.
I still wasn't 100% comfortable about telling him exactly what happened, but at least I was
willing to give it a try.
"Before I say anything else, can you just like- promise me that you won't judge me or
anything? It won't be worth it to tell you if you're just going to be mean or weird about it."
Keagan sighed, but not in a bad way, almost like a 'duh' kind of way.
"Jamie just spill. I know we're not best buddies or anything but I'm not a heartless bastard
like you think. So lay it on me."
I only nodded, feeling a little embarrassed. There wasn't really any reason to, but all I had
to drink wasn't exactly helping with my clarity.
"Well Livvie, Russ and I are all friends. But um. Livvie doesn't know that Russ and I are...
closer to each other than to her. So to speak."
Oh man it looked like Keagan just wasn't following. I'd have to go into detail, which was
something I didn't want to do. I never ever wanted to discuss it out loud unless it was to
Livvie, and even then I probably wouldn't do it face to face.
"Like better friends?"
I shook my head.
"No not better friends. Like... um. Russ and are were uh. Involved. Sexually."
Keagan almost choked on the last sip of Vodka.
Like he coughed and everything. All over me.
Now I smelled like liquor and I was extremely embarrassed.
I kind of wanted to crawl into a ball and disappear at that moment.
"Wait wait wait," Keagan said with disbelief. "You had sex?"
"With Russ? Yes."
Keagan put the bottle down and smiled to himself. I had no idea what was so funny to him.
"Holy shit. I could have bet money that you were a virgin. I would have lost lots of money.
Oh my god I can't even picture you- oh shit sorry. I'm not judging. I apologize. I'm just very
shocked. I thought you were more... conservative."
I squinted my eyes at him.
I wanted to swear at him but I didn't. I didn't want to get on his level.
"Well maybe you shouldn't judge a book by its cover Keagan. Getting back to the original
issue, I trusted Russ. And I understood that he wanted to keep it under wraps. I got that.
But after we stopped fooling around we stopped talking for a while. And then I left to come
here. But when I talked to Livvie last, she told me he was acting off. I can't help but think it's
because of me. And I just feel bad. I want to make sure he's ok, but I can't tell Livvie without
his permission."
Keagan bit his lip.
"If I wasn't drunk I would so give you better advise. But honestly I'd just let things play out.
He wants to keep things secret, let him. He'll tell Livvie when he's ready. For now you just
have to either talk to him yourself, or get Livvie off his back. If he feels cornered that's not
good. You just got to leave it for now."
I didn't want to that. But it might be my only choice. For once Keagan might have been
right.
"I know, it just hurts me that he's not acting like himself. If I'm the cause, I want to make it
better. He's my best friend. I thought that we were on the same page with what went on.
But I guess not."
Keagan put a hand on my shoulder.
"Sex fucks things up. Especially if he's the only one you've ever slept with, which is what
I'm assuming. And vise versa with him. He's probably feeling like you deserted him and he
feels like you don't care. So just reach out to him, you might be able to solve things without
drama."
I was now starting to agree with him. Now he was making sense. He was right, and he knew
he was right. But how did he know so much about me when I barely said anything? Russ
was my first, and my only. And I was his first and his only too. We both knew that, and
that's why we had a special bond that no one understood.
"But," he said, continuing. "If you're not over him that's a different story."
I held out my hand in defense mode.
"I never said I was into him. We're friends who had sex, and that's it. I knew what I was
getting myself into-"
"I was going to say," Keagan started, interrupting me. "The best way to get over someone is
to get under someone else. It's the cold hard truth. If he was ever into you, that's probably
exactly what he's doing, or did, or plans to do. That's probably why he's acting weird. He
doesn't know how to act."
For some reason my blood started to boil.
I didn't have feelings for him, but I didn't want to think of him being intimate with anyone
else; even though it was inevitable.
"So what are you saying?"
Keagan pushed my hair away from my ear. It was getting so long. I needed to get it cut. I
hated it at this length. Or maybe I was thinking about my hair so I didn't have to think
about anything else.
"I'm saying that maybe you should do the same. You don't have to go out and sleep with
anything that walks. But just... explore. If he's moving on, so should you. And like you said,
you were never into him. It should be easy to let go and let loose."
My heart was beating so fast. My palms started to sweat. I felt Keagan's breath on my cheek
and I had no idea what do to.
A part of me was uncomfortable, but only a small part. The other part of me missed being
touched. I missed having hands on my skin, and I missed the feeling of being wanted.
"K-Keagan-"
He didn't let me speak,
He put his hands on my face and he leaned in close. His breath was hot but welcomed. I
enjoyed the sweet smell of vodka on his mouth; and I leaned in further to his movements.
My mind went totally clear when I finally felt his soft lips press against mine. I pressed my
lips back against his and closed my eyes. Keagan gripped my hair and began to kiss me
harder.
He kissed me so differently than Russ had.
Keagan was more confident, more sure. Russ was more slow and careful. Russ always took
his time.
I didn't want to compare them, but it was hard not to. They were the only ones I ever let get
this close to me.
Keagan moaned into my mouth quietly before he pulled my body down onto his bed. But
before I could even set myself up to make the next move, he was completely passed out
next to me.
And I had gone to sleep quite sexually frustrated that night.
 RUNAWAY

Keagan
I woke up with the worst kind of hang over headache. You know the kind that's
accompanied by nausea? Yeah, that one, but on top of all that I could tell it wasn't even 5
a.m. yet. There was no reason for me to be awake right now, but then I noticed it. I didn't
wake up on my own. No, of course not. Jamison was lying next to me squirming like an
idiot.
"Jamie." I groaned, and immediately I could feel him tense beside me, like he had been
doing something wrong, but I knew he wasn't. He had more self respect than to jack off in
my bed, even if I did kind of leave him hanging last night.
Seriously though, what could I have done? I broke a huge barrier between us, without even
thinking of the backlash of my actions.
How the hell did this boy make me do all these stupid fucking things?
First he has me being nice to him, and then he has me actually caring about his feelings?
Sure it was all under the impression of alcohol, but he wasn't stupid. Even under the
influence of ANY substance, I don't just give out free advice like that at least, and I've never
just randomly cared about someone. Especially someone as useless as Jamie, but his wimpy
cute whiney self just strikes some weird chord with me. Jamison in distress made me jump
in with everything I had and put a band aid over the wound that might be forming.
I had to nip these feelings in the butt. There's no way around it. There's no reason for me to
get Jamie confused about feeling I may or may not have for him. Though... That would be
the perfect distraction for our class bet... No. No that's low, even for me.
He was a nice kid, and I needed to distance myself from him before that drunken kiss turns
into something more. Not just for him, but for me too apparently. But... Not now. No, now
I'm going to "unconsciously" enjoy myself and pull this sweet scented boy against me, and
hold him tightly while we sleep.
And that's exactly what I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't waste any time the next morning getting out of there. This seemed to be a really
common theme with me though, so I figured Jamie expected it.
I just grabbed some clothes and my school books and left. I had a few friends on campus
that I could stay with, but which one to pick?
A girl? A guy? Like... Which one? I couldn't go to Leonard after last night, and I didn't want
to go to Adam/Darren's for obvious reasons as well, but it looks like I'll just have to suck it
up since those are the only people who had a room big enough to spare a space for me.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I contemplated my two options, and decided to go with
Adam/Darren. If I give him some sob story about how I'm changing and how I'm scared, his
inner female will come out and want to protect me and nurture me until I'm ready to go
face my "big life changes" head on.
It's sad how predictable people are sometimes.
"Hey... Kyle!" I said, quickly remembering his actual name as he answered the phone. "Look,
I'm really sorry about last time we hung out, but I need you right now. I'm having a bit of a
crisis and... I just kinda need a friend you know? Do you mind if I crash on your couch for a
few days while I figure myself out?"
The line was silent for a few minutes, and I knew that wasn't my most sincere sounding
voice, but it should have been good enough.
"Yeah, that's fine." He sighed and I could have all but jumped for joy in that moment. "When
are you coming over?"
"Uh now if that's fine. I look like hell though, just a fair warning."
"Yeah, come on over." We hung up shortly after that, and I smiled proudly to myself.
Using Kyle wasn't a game per say, but it was easy. I didn't have to see him every day. If I got
tired of him, I could just leave. But with Jamie... Well I was stuck with him, at least for this
semester.
I went back around the dorms and traveled up the south entrance stairs, knowing for sure
that I wouldn't see Jamie by accident. I wanted to keep this as smooth and as easy of a
transition as possible. Last thing I needed was an awkward conversation as to why I ran
away after we kissed.
But then it hit me, I knew from the start that that was what I was doing, but... I didn't take
into consideration that Jamie was going to probably feel like shit if I wasn't there when he
woke up.
I wanted to just lie on the ground and kick and scream. This whole thing was too damn
confusing.
Running away wasn't the answer, so what was? God, why couldn't running away be the
answer...
I texted Kyle quickly and told him that there was a change of plans, and that I wouldn't
actually need to stay in his room, but to keep the space free just in case I just needed some
guy time. Though I knew he probably begrudgingly said this, he told me alright, and that he
would.
About halfway back to mine and Jamie's room, I found myself walking faster than usual,
and I literally had to stop walking and re-pace my steps just to get myself to slow down.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I've never done anything but run away and it's always worked out for me. Why am I
running back? This isn't like me at all.
I ran away from home at sixteen to escape my drunk father and my weak mother, I ran
away from Boston to escape even allowing myself to grieve for Jana's death, and I've ran
away from every relationship that could have turned into a serious thing... So why can't I
run away from a nerd with glasses that are too big for his face?
"Jamie?" I whispered as I chucked my bag to the side of the room. There was no movement
on my bed, so he was either dead or still sleeping. I decided to go with the latter on this one
and climbed back in bed next to him. He adjusted himself briefly before looking up at me,
and then quickly reaching behind himself to get his glasses, but I stopped him. "Just, go
back to sleep dude." I said, feigning a yawn as I squirmed my way under the sheets.
"You're upset." He sighed. "I watched you pack up your stuff this morning... Why are you
back?"
"Because I'm a grown ass man and I do as I please." I chuckled. "Just forget about it okay?"
I could tell that he wanted to talk more, but I pulled the blanket over my shoulders and
closed my eyes tightly.
It shouldn't be this hard to run away. It really shouldn't. I could leave right now. I could
march down the stairs to Joyce and just have her change my room. I could take back what I
said to Kyle and just end up moving in there. But I couldn't.
I just can't bring myself to do that, and it fucking sucks.
I heard him sigh, but nothing else was mentioned. He just curled back up against me and
wrapped one of his thin arms around me loosely.
I really just couldn't win with this boy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up a few hours later to a weird familiar scent. I tried to keep my eyes shut, but my
stomach growled too loud for me to ignore.
"Good afternoon sleepy head." Jamie laughed as I rolled over to see what exactly he had. "I
ordered us food."
"Oh... Thanks." I said as I scooted up on my bed.
"Yeah, I figured I'd need to butter you up before we have this awkward conversation." He
chuckled, adjusting his glasses on his face quickly before handing me the food he got me.
Nothing extravagant, but a burger was exactly what I was craving.
"Okay, go on."
"It was just a kiss." He laughed awkwardly. "So, I know you were just trying to spare my
feelings this morning when you came back... But you didn't have to leave in the first place. I
know we were drunk and I know that on any normal day that wouldn't have happened. So,
no more awkward okay?"
I nodded, not really entirely sure how to verbally respond to that.
I felt kind of empty though. I don't know if I subconsciously wanted the "awkward" or not,
but shit. All that stressing I had done this morning resulted in nothing. All that shit I beat
myself up for earlier ended up in a simple dismissal.
"You're right." I chuckled as I closed the Styrofoam container my food was in. "Are you
going to be alright tonight then? You can catch up with your friend or something right?
Maybe talk to that Russ guy? Figure out your conundrum with him?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess so... Why? What are you doing?"
"That tall blonde kid has a sick new hookah that he wants to try out with me so... Yeah, I
don't know what time I'll be back, so don't wait up." I feigned a smile and grabbed my bag.
"I'll catch ya later kid."
"Keagan, this is-" I waved as I closed the door behind me, cutting him off mid sentence as I
called a few other people to see where I could crash.
It was like I was homeless all over again. I wasn't not popular in high school, but it was one
of those weird types of popular where every one just wants to be acquainted to you, but not
actually have the burdens of a real friendship.
So in my darkest days with my dad I never had anyone to turn too. No one cared when I
showed up to school with a black eye or a busted lip, and no one even batted a lid when I
came in with my arm broken. No teachers, no guidance councilors, no one.
I never had anyone, so when I ran away I wouldn't have even dreamt of couch surfing.
Living in doorways of restaurants to avoid rain or in the dark corners of a subway seemed
like heaven compared to a night with my old man.
But now I had people, sure, they might not all really want me there, but this was college and
I always stick to the "if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" promise; whether it is a drug
hook up, or just hooking them up with someone, and most people really do respect that.
I found someone finally who had room in their heart to let me crash in their room, and it
was definitely a bonus. It was this cute boy I met from freshman year who I undoubtedly
lost contact with. Short, messy brown hair, and a crooked smile- exactly how I liked them.
Getting lucky was now on top of my to do list for today, especially since I now had a worthy
candidate. I knew for a fact this kid was gay, so the only hard part now was to subtly put
the idea in his mind so that I didn't seem like the bad guy in the morning.
And I know having sex never fills a void, but it sure does kill a lot of time in between.
 HAVE A MINUTE?

Jamison
Things between Keagan and I were sort of awkward. I mean, I guess that's my fault. I
shouldn't have let him kiss me when he was clearly drunk. But in a strange way, I wanted to
kiss him. Which makes absolutely no sense because I barely even like him as a person. But
we were connecting.
I felt like I could just talk to him about anything. I opened up about Russ when I didn't think
I could. He made me feel comfortable enough to talk, and that was important.
Speaking of Russ, I needed to figure out how to fix whatever it was that was bothering him.
No matter if it had to do with me or not. Because I was a good friend and I wanted to help
him no matter what. I just thought we had it all figured out already. If I knew he was having
doubts; or would have doubts that I wouldn't have wanted to hook up with him.
I hate using the term, but that's basically what we did.
I decided that I wanted to call him rather than talk to him face to face. I feel like he wouldn't
tell me the truth if we were face to face. Russ was kind of shy, even around me. Even though
I've seen him naked, and had him inside of me. We've been in the most awkward of
situations and yet he wouldn't be able to voice his feelings.
But you know what, I get that.
Sex is different than feelings. You can have sex without feelings, but you can't have feelings
without... feeling something; obviously. It's easy to do things that don't involve feeling
anything. The hard part is to actually care.
I guess that's why I consider myself a carefree person. I try not to let my emotions get in the
way. It makes things too difficult. But then it takes away from certain things about life. The
only things I really cared about was my family, and getting good grades. I cared about
Livvie and Russ, but in a different way. It sounds messed up, but I cared about them
minimally. If I cared too much, it would take away from other things that mattered. And I
couldn't have that.
But I pushed any negative thoughts I had in my head out and picked up my phone.
I made sure that Keagan wouldn't be coming in to ruin it; I waited until he left for the night.
He had been doing that lately. I wasn't sure why. I wasn't sure where he was going; and I
wasn't sure if he would be back before I went to sleep. It was a mystery. Keagan himself
was a huge mystery. One day he liked me, and the next he barely talked to me. He kissed
me, apologized to me, and that was that. And for the most part I was cool with everything.
It was just really confusing.
I wasn't ready to be confused about anyone.
But it kept me busy, that's for sure. I just had to keep my head out of the clouds and in my
books. School always came first. I wasn't going to let anyone keep me from my work; that
was what was most important to me. If all else failed in the world; if anyone failed me, I'd
always have my knowledge. I don't care how lame it sounds, it's true. I'd always stick by my
values.
"Jamison Hi. What's up?"
I smiled slightly as I heard Russ' voice. It took him a while to pick up my call.
"Nothing much really. Do you have a few minutes?"
I miss the days when phones had cords. They were something to play with, something to
help distract people. I just wanted and needed a cord.
"Yea I do. Why? Is everything ok?"
I noticed exactly what Livvie was talking about. Just from hearing him speak for five
seconds I noticed he was not himself. The Russ I knew would already be deep in a
conversation by now.
"Everything is fine with me. Doing well in school, trailing along, trying to have a social life
for once. How about with you?"
I didn't want to jump the gun so quickly and ask him what was up. Russ would probably
retreat if I did that and make up an excuse and hang up. I didn't want that.
"I'm doing good. High school is boring, but at least it's not hard. Livvie and I have lunch
together thank god."
Well it looked like he wasn't going to come out and say what was on his mind. I was going
to have to go fishing for information. I wasn't too good at that, I never really had to press
anyone to tell me anything before. I mean with my mom and dad I did, but it was totally
different.
"That's good. I think I remember her telling me that but I forgot. I um. I thought that I'd
hear from you by now. That's kind of why I called. Have you been busy? Or... is it something
else?"
I heard Russ sigh.
"Did Livvie say something to you?"
I bit my lip.
Lying was something I didn't do. I was literally awful at lying.
"She didn't tell me anything specific. Just that she thought something was up, that's all. I
just want to make sure you're ok. That if you don't want to talk to her about it, you can talk
to me about it. And that I'm here for you."
And then I thought maybe I should have done this face to face.
I missed Russ' face.
He was pretty cute.
But before we started sleeping together I never thought so. I only thought of him as
attractive after we fooled around; it was weird. I feel like there is some psychological term
to explain why but for once I can't remember.
"I don't appreciate you two talking about me behind my back. I'm fine. If I wasn't I would
let one of you know. So just leave it at that, ok?"
Wow.
I never heard Russ get so nasty. It was so unlike him.
But I didn't want to upset him further so I accepted it for now.
"I'm sorry Russ. We didn't mean to do that. We just care about you and wanted to help. I
won't say anything to her about you I promise."
"Thank you. Sorry I snapped at you. I just don't want you guys thinking things that aren't
true. I wish that you were here instead of there. It would make things easier. I mean I get
why you went. But... it's weird it just being me and Livvie. I love her and everything, but we
were like the three musketeers. I miss you."
I tucked in my lip.
He missed me.
"Don't worry, thanksgiving break is coming up real soon and I'll be home before you know
it. We'll get to hang out like old times. How does that sound?"
I could almost hear him smile.
"It sounds great."
I looked at my clock and internally sighed,
Where was Keagan?
I didn't want him strolling in at odd hours waking me up. He did that once before and it
scared the crap out of me.
"Good. So hang in there and I'll see you soon, ok?"
"Ok I'll try. I'll talk to you soon Jamison. Bye."
I hung up and scrolled up to Keagan's number. It would most likely piss him off if I called so
I texted him instead.
Are you alright? Not that I'm worried or anything. Just don't want to lock you out.
It took what seemed like forever for him to reply.
That was another one of my pet peeves. Taking way too long for a simple answer. Like I get
if you're in class or work or whatnot; but if you're literally doing nothing like I know you
are and you don't answer? Oh that drives me insane. It's just so rude.
And it's later now than it was, what if I fell asleep? That would defeat the whole purpose of
texting in the first place.
You definitely are worrying. I know you. You worry about everything. Relax, I'm fine. I don't
remember what room I'm in, but I'm in good hands. Probably getting drunk. Shit happens.
Leave the door unlocked just in case I need to come back or something. Thanks.
Well at least I got a thanks out of all that.
A part of me still wanted to lock the door, but I wasn't that much of a jerk. That was
Keagan's job.
 HOSPITLE GOWNS

Keagan
I tried my hardest not to laugh at the girl on top of me. She was grinding her hips against
mine, desperately trying to get an inch of my attention as I drank my whiskey.
"Look hon," I chuckled. "could you get off of me?"
"Oh come on." She slurred, and I could just see how drunk and how bad of an idea she really
was. Honestly I didn't even want her in the first place. She just kind of forced herself onto
me. "A lot of guys get whiskey dick. Nothing to be ashamed about."
"I don't have whiskey dick." I stated, getting a tad bit annoyed. "My dick is perfectly fine.
You're the problem."
"How am I the problem?"
"Look at you! If I wanted to hump plastic, I'd just buy a sex doll." I pushed her off my lap as
gently as I could and stumbled away. I wasn't nearly intoxicated enough to be falling all
over myself, but seriously, my legs were numb.
"Are you okay?" I looked up from my glass to see a group of girls in front of me, clearly wall
flowers, but god did they seem like better company than that other bitch.
"Yes, I'm wonderful." I chuckled. "How are you ladies this evening?" A few giggled, but the
one who asked if I was alright just smiled.
"We're okay. I'm Heather." The heavier set one announced. "This is Meghan, Vicky and
Diana."
"Nice to meet you all, I'm Keagan."
"We know." I turned to face the shortest one in the group who's name I already couldn't
remember. I think it was Vicky, but I could be wrong. "Just out of curiosity, what did that
Barbie do to piss you off?"
"Exactly what you just said. She's a Barbie and I'm just not into that. You ladies are more
my cup of tea." I winked and then chuckled. "Actually, I'm more into men, but if I had to
pick a woman, she'd be down to earth and not all plastic and tan. Pale skin is the way to go."
The group laughed and I honestly felt kind of welcomed.
So I decided to plant my feet with them for the night. I didn't need to have another sexual
adventure, well, at least not tonight. My penis needs a break.
"Oh shit." The red head who I believe name is Meghan announce. "Don't look now, but
Barbie is coming over."
And of course I look. I see her stomping her way in her heels right on over to me. She placed
her hands firmly on her hips as she scowled at my new group of friends.
"So you turn me down to hand out with these girls?" She hissed, her voice filled with
disgust.
"These girls? Why do you have to say it like that?" I chuckled. "If anything you should say it
excitedly! Like 'Oh damn Keagan, looks like you scored yourself a nice group of women
tonight!' or something like that!" I could hear the girls behind me giggle as I stood up for
them.
"No I meant it exactly how I said it. You had grade A meat, and you chose to go dick around
with girls who couldn't keep up with me in their dreams."
I held my hand up to stop her from saying anything else.
"Look, Barbie, you're fake and gross. These women behind me have brains, and have figure,
I'd bang each and every one of them ten times over before I even consider touching you.
You might think you're hot shit, but sweetie, you're worth nothing more than a hump and
dump to me and every other man out there, so before you go throwing rocks at other girls,
you might want to make sure you're not in a glass house yourself." The room fell silent for a
moment as everyone tuned in. I could see the wheels turning in her mind of everything she
wanted to scream at me, but instead I got her boney hand smacked across my cheek.
I probably deserved it for the last thing I said. Hump and dump, hah!
"Fuck you Keagan; you don't know what you're missing out on!"
"Probably herpes!" I turned to see Heather, bright red with embarrassment, but I could
only offer my hand in a high five as a reward. That was a good last word, and I couldn't
have said it better myself.
"Is your cheek okay?" I looked at Diana, the brunette and smiled.
"Yeah, it's fine. I didn't feel it."
"Thanks for sticking up for us, you really didn't have to." I shrugged, not really knowing
who to respond to for that thanks, and smiled.
"It's my pleasure, now I'm gonna need your help tonight." I stated. "Getting home at least,
because I'm about to get sloshed and I'd like to end up alone in my own bed. Do you think
you guys could help me out?"
The girls all nodded excitedly and before I could even process what was happening,
Meghan pulled a bottle of tequila from her purse.
"I think we can help you with that."
-----------------------------------
"Are you sure you're going to be okay Keagan?" I turned my head and kissed the short girls
forehead before slowly nodding my head.
"Yeah babes, I'll be okay. I'm just... I'm gonna go to bed." I could feel my eye lids drooping as
I tried to hold them open and focus on all the lovely ladies that brought me to my dorm.
"Which one of you... Who is super quiet? I just need to sleep in the potties room, and I don't
even know how to open this door right now."
It was if the world was moving from under my feet and I just magically was sat down in
front of the toilet. The beautiful pristine white bowl. Oh how I hated and loved this stupid
contraption.
Within minutes of the girls quietly setting me up in there I had already began to lurch all
the alcohol I consumed into the toilet.
"Should we stay with him?" I shook my head no at the girls half hearted whispers and
laughed.
"No ladies... It's mmmkay. You go party. I'm kay. Go have fun." I waved as more of my
insides found their way outside of me.
Over and over again I hurled, and I knew this was going to be an all night thing. Thank god I
had one of the girls get my pillow for me. There was no way in hell I'd be leaving this
bathroom now.
"Wow, nice to see you again." I rested my head on the side of the seat and smiled up at the
half asleep boy in front of me. "You look nice tonight." And I meant that, even though his
hair was messy and his pajamas didn't fit him right there was something different about
him that I just couldn't pin point.
"Hey Jamison..." I mumbled before spitting into the potty. "I don't feel good."
"You don't look so good either. What did you do?"
"You know damn well what..." I turned my head quickly as more of my stomach spewed
from my mouth. "I had a lot of tequila. Like, a lot a lot. You- you don't have to stay in here.
I'm m'kay."
I waved my hand about lazily, but I felt a mass sit behind me and a small hand work its way
up and down my back.
"My mom would always do this for my dad after they had a big party and my dad had a few
too many." He chuckled. "He always said it helped."
I nodded my head, not entirely able to respond, but he wasn't lying. It didn't stop me from
vomiting, but it sure did ease the pain a little.
I don't remember exactly when I passed out or why exactly I did, but I didn't feel the
slightest bit better when I woke up in the dark with something lumpy and hard under my
head.
I definitely had a crick in my neck, and the nausea was definitely still there.
"What the fuck am I laying on?" I groaned as I squeezed the thing under my head.
"That's my knee Keagan." I smiled at Jamie's voice, but immediately tried to shove the
weird feeling aside and get as comfortable as I could on his bony leg.
"Well shit, put some meat on you Jamie. You're the worst pillow ever." I groaned, but I still
couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. He stuck around with me, and oddly enough that
meant a lot.
"Then scoot up here and lay on my stomach. You're the one who picked my leg." Honestly I
don't remember picking anything to lay on, but he was offering me something better and I
would gladly take it.
"I still don't feel good..." I grumbled, knowing that I had efficiently emptied my stomach last
night, so there was no reason for me to still feel this gross. It wasn't a hangover though, I
knew that. I still felt sufficiently intoxicated, and I didn't have a headache. I just felt like I
had the flu.
"You probably have alcohol poisoning then Keagan. It looks like you and I won't be going to
class today." He chuckled, and I could just barely feel his hand playing with a few strands of
my hair.
"You really don't have to stay." I grumbled as I pressed my face against his side until the
pain in my gut passed.
"Clearly I do, and really I don't mind. We're just reviewing and I can do all that while you're
asleep. Just try to rest up a bit now okay?"
I nodded slowly and closed my eyes. I wanted to breathe in my nose to see if I could smell
that sweet scent he was always emanating, but each time I did I would get more and more
nauseas... So I played it safe and decided that breathing through my mouth was the best bet.
"Thanks Jamison, I owe you one."
Sleeping after that was pretty hard, I guess before I just tired myself out with all the
vomiting, but this time I was just in pain. It literally felt like my insides were on fire, but I
didn't want to whine about it and make Jamison feel like he had to do more than he already
was.
So I settled for minor whimpering every time I could tell that he was fast asleep.
This is by far the worst sort of pain I've ever felt, and I've broken at least each of my bones
once.
"Keagan, you know you would be a lot more comfortable in your bed." Jamison said out of
the blue. I really thought he was still conked out on me.
"You don't have to stay in here." I said as audibly as I could. "I don't want to throw up on
my mattress."
"We can get it cleaned and you can use the trashcan to throw up in. I think you're pretty
much done throwing up anyways."
"I don't even think I can move..." I groaned as I tried forcing myself to sit up, even though it
was a slow process, I still ended up beyond dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out at any
moment. "Moving is not a good idea."
"Keagan, are you breathing okay? We might need to get you to a hospital."
I laughed at the very thought; me at a hospital due to a little alcohol poisoning? No way.
"I'm not insured." I lied. "I can just lay here."
"Well, I'm going to go get you some water."
"No!" I whined, extending out the "oh" for as long as I could. "I'll just throw it up!"
"Yeah, probably, but you need to stay at least somewhat hydrated. You don't want to end
up having seizures do you?"
I grunted and took the pillow he was using after he got up to go get me the water. I hated
that he was right, but I had to take care of myself if I wasn't going to go to the hospital.
When he came back I drank the water slowly in attempts to not upset my stomach, but that
failed miserably, and though I'm glad Jamison was sticking around, I kind of wish he hadn't.
Not that he was doing anything wrong, I just hated letting people see me like this, especially
people who pretty much already think I'm worth nothing more than the dirt on their shoes.
"I'm going to go see if I can score some ginger ale and maybe some anti nausea medication.
You really should go to a hospital though Keagan."
"Are you going to carry me down the stairs? Or pay the eight hundred dollar ambulance
charge?" I groaned. "I can't waste what little money I have left on a stupid bout of alcohol
poisoning. I'll be okay. I'll drink whatever you give me."
I didn't hear anything else from Jamison after that so I assumed he just left, which let me
actually relax and be in pain instead of playing macho man like I had been.
"Oh baby boy..." I heard a familiar voice and turned my head to see both Joyce and Jamison
standing in the door way. "Mm, mmh, mmm, little man right here said you weren't in good
shape, but I didn't know it was this bad! My poor baby. The nurse is on her way baby doll." I
groaned loudly before burying my face into my hands. Of course he'd go tell Joyce. "And
why did you tell little man you were uninsured? Sweetie, you've had more doctor visits
than I can even count while being here. You really need to lay off the liquor."
I groaned again and I could hear Joyce laughing. This really wasn't funny. Now Jamison
knew I lied, and now I was going to have to be hooked up to a fucking IV while laying in a
stupid hospital gown in a stupid room around stupid people.
The nurse ended up showing up a few minutes later and though I begged to not go, she
assessed that the condition I was in was definitely in need of emergency care.
I didn't argue after that. Not that I even could if I wanted too though, Joyce would have beat
me up.
Jamison and Joyce stuck behind as I road in the stupid ambulance all the way to the
hospital. Within no time I was undressed from my "soiled" clothes and put in their stupid
butt-less dress. At least this time they let me keep my underpants on; and soon enough
after they had me situated in a bed, they were poking and prodding me with needles and
sticky pads for monitors.
At least I was alone now.
The liquid in the IV was freezing cold. I guess they were just pumping some sort of sugar or
salt water into me to keep me hydrated. Though I wasn't feeling one hundred percent
better, I was in fact feeling a little bit better. Apparently my skin was pretty blue, and well...
At least I could keep my head up now without getting ridiculously dizzy. Oh yeah, and they
also were pumping me full of anti-nausea medication and some sort of pain killer to help
me relax a little.
"Hey there..." I turned my head to see Jamison peeking his messy haired head through the
doorway. "Sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to wait for Joyce to get off work so she
could bring me."
I sighed internally but smiled never the less. "You didn't have to come. I'm fine."
"Yeah, well hospitals are scary enough in themselves. There's no need for you to be alone."
"You know, I am a big boy." I laughed before patting the spot on the bed next to me.
He nodded and shrugged as he took the seat. "Why did you lie about being insured then?"
"Because I hate hospital gowns." I chuckled. "They don't have butts and I'm a man. I don't
wear dresses."
Jamison rolled his eyes and sighed. "You could have died, and all because you didn't want to
wear a stupid gown?"
"Hey, I don't judge your morals." I said, giggling a tad. I scolded myself internally again, but
chalked up the weird noise to the painkillers.
"Oh Keagan." He laughed and shook his head. "Well, the doctor said they were keeping you
here over night for observation and that since you don't have anyone to call to stay with
you, that if you wanted me too, I could stay. It's up to you though."
I wanted so badly to tell him no, but I just couldn't get my head to shake in that direction.
He was right, hospitals are scary enough in themselves, and there was no reason for me to
have to be here alone; especially when I had a friend basically throwing their kindness at
me.
"Thanks Jamison, I'd really appreciate it if you'd stay." I half mumbled and he just smiled in
return. Not a cocky one like I would have, but a genuine kind one that he always had.
"Fine fine," he laughed. "No reason to beg. I get to pick what we watch tonight though."
I feigned a groan as I scooted over so he could lay beside me. It was a little cramped, but
comfortable nonetheless. Well, as comfortable as someone with tubes and needles stuck in
them can be.
 NEXT TIME

Jamison
For some reason it didn't feel weird to stay with Keagan in the hospital. One in my situation
would probably feel differently; because I barely knew this guy and there I was cuddled up
next to him waiting for the morning to come. But I sort of enjoyed it; as enjoyable as it
could have been. Like, I cared about him enough to enjoy it.
Keagan was a mystery to me, but that's what I liked about him really. There were tons of
things I didn't like about him, sure. But the more I thought about that, the more I realized
that there were tons of things he didn't like about me either.
And yet, he put himself out there for me plenty of times. He brought me to parties even
though it could have been social suicide for him. That took a while to sink in. Because that
proves that he cared about me too, whether he'd ever admit to that or not.
"Jamie your hip bone is doing some serious damage to my rib cage." Keagan groaned as he
started to wake up.
I wasn't even mad that he called me Jamie. I was just glad that he seemed to be feeling
better and returning to his normal self.
"Sorry. We're both skinny, it happens." I said while I adjusted myself.
But after a few failed attempts of trying to get our bones to stop rubbing up against each
other I just got up out of the hospital bed.
"I am not skinny. I'm toned. Fit. Ripped. All of the above. You are skinny. Therefore you are
the problem, not me. So yea you better get your ass up out my bed. Before I smack you."
I gave him a look that said 'screw you' just so I didn't have to say it. Of course I knew he was
kidding because he'd never talk like that, but still.
"You're lucky you're already in the hospital. Just saying."
He made a kissy face at me, that is until the doctor came in.
"So how are we feeling today?"
I wondered if I had what it took to be a doctor. I mean, I thought I had the brains; but
doctors had to deal with so much besides just the medicine. People's lives were in their
hands. Ok maybe that's a little dramatic but even so. I loved biology, but disliked most
people. I wasn't a people person. And I had a lot of phobias and other issues. So maybe I'd
just stick with biological research and things like that. Yeah that sounds pretty good.
"Much better. Can I please get out of here? No offense. But my butt is literally falling asleep
because I've been laying down for too long. And my arm is stiff. And I actually miss my
dorm room. God you better let me out of here because I would never ever say that unless I
didn't mean it."
The doctor laughed and handed Keagan a clipboard.
"Hold your horses kid. I was just about to give you your discharge papers. Just read it over
and sign the bottom as well as the next page. I say this with as much kindness as possible; I
hope I never see you in here again. Take care of yourself."
Keagan bit his lip as he signed the documents.
"Will do. Thanks Dr. Gibbons."
It would be awesome to be a doctor though. Being able to help people and whatnot. It must
feel pretty awesome.
I guess I could work on my social skills and other social problems I have. Not anytime soon
though.
Keagan started to get dressed. I could tell he was really excited to leave. I don't think I ever
saw him move so quickly in my life. It was kind of funny.
"So we're going to get coffee. Real coffee from like a cafe. Then we're going to ihop and
eating pancakes until we feel sick. Then we're going for a walk. Then we're going to school.
Ok?"
I hated pancakes actually. I hated most breakfast foods. They made me uncomfortable. I
don't know, just the smell of syrup was enough to make my stomach churn. But I could suck
it up and do it for Keagan. Just this once. After all, it was Sunday. A day to relax. Even
though I had massive amounts of studying to do...
"Ok sounds good. Just make sure you brush your hair first. It's a little bedheady."
Keagan made a face and started to pat his hair down. I wish I videoed it.
"Shut up and call a cab. We got important shit to do."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So we got coffee. From a nice little bistro down the street from our campus. It was nice.
Keagan was well behaved for the most part. And then we did go to ihop for pancakes but
the wait was over an hour so then mean Keagan came out and we left to go to a different
place. All was good in the world once he got some food in his stomach. Thank god. I was
about to pretend like I didn't know him like 12 times.
And here we are about to pay our very patient cab driver for the ride back to campus.
Keagan handed the man over 100 bucks and pushed my money away.
"Don't worry about it, it was my idea. So it makes sense that I pay. Duh."
Keagan put his hands in his pockets as we started to walk. I felt like I needed a good walk to
stretch my legs.
"Well then next time I'll have a game plan and I'll be the one paying. Because you can't
always pay for everything every time."
And then I noticed how much of a whiny boyfriend I sounded like. When... me and Keagan
weren't together at all. I wanted to scoop up my words and push them back into my mouth.
I knew at that moment that our day that had been mostly good would soon turn sour.
"Ohh so you think there will be a next time? You're cute Jamie. Why are your cheeks so red?
It was a joke!" He said and took his hand out of his pocket to push me. "Jesus you are such a
nerd sometimes."
I tried to laugh but it came out more like a cough. Well that was embarrassing. Nothing new
though. My whole life was basically one huge embarrassing moment.
"Well you're usually a mean jerk so how was I supposed to know that?"
"You're the smart one, you should have been able to pick up on that. Maybe you need to
brush up on your people skills Jamie." He paused. "See, did you catch the sarcasm on that
one?"
I pushed him back.
"Seriously you make me want to hurt you sometimes. You are such a handful."
"That's what she said. And he said."
I stopped dead in my tracks.
That was so sexual I could barely handle it.
"Kegaan!"
"What! It's true."
I shook my head and continued to walk. He was crazy. Like a legit crazy person.
I wondered if Livvie and Russ would approve of him if they came to visit. I mean, it seems
like most people can only take Keagan in small doses. Me, I have the privilege of living with
him so that doesn't work for me. I'm forced to handle him in large doses of time. But I hope
that my only friends would think he was acceptable.
Because the truth is that Keagan was starting to grow on me. I was starting to care too
much. Like him too much. But I was accepting of that. Friends was all we were going to be. I
didn't want to be his hook up buddy. He had those. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be
special. If that was possible.
"So anyway. On a serious note; because I can be serious too you know. When are you going
to start packing?"
I didn't really give packing much thought. My mom suggested that I leave some things at
home so that it wouldn't be a hassle to drag everything I own back and forth.
Why are moms always right about everything?
"Very funny Keagan. Hm, maybe Wednesday. I think I'm leaving on Friday. What about
you?"
He shrugged as we approached the entrance door to the dormitories. I wasn't surprised
when he held the door for me; he was in rare form.
"I'm not really sure. Not really excited for anything except not having shit to do for school."
He seemed sad, but I didn't want to ruin the good day we were having.
I would think he'd be super excited to leave this place. But there's a chance I could be
wrong.
"I just want to get things straightened out with Russ when I go back. And see Livvie and my
family. That's all I'm looking forward to really."
Keagan stopped at our room. I wanted to return the favor so I held the door for him, but he
stayed put.
"I'm actually gonna go up to Kyle's room. I'll catch you later Jamie. Thanks for um. Staying
at the hospital and putting up with me all day."
And then there is the mystery part of Keagan.
I thought maybe he was bipolar for a couple of moments. But he's not. He's... troubled. I
think, anyway. A psychologist I am not. But he was definitely a hard one to figure out. But in
a strange way, I didn't mind. I was actually going to miss him over break.
Is that weird?
 BLACK FRIDAY

Keagan
I packed a fake bag the night before Jamison left for West Virginia, just to save me from
having to explain why I have no where to go over the holidays. I didn't want him to ruin his
trip and feel obligated to bring me along like my last roommate had, so I just kept it a
secret. It was his time to go spend time with his family, and I wasn't going to ruin that with
my presence.
So I sat alone.
Well, actually I went down to the art building. The only other person in there was the art
department coordinator who was setting up a few of the student's pieces for the exhibit he
was putting together for when everyone was back from break.
Mr. Kirkpatrick and I got along swimmingly over the few years I had been stuck here alone.
It was always the same though. I'd give him extra money for canvases and paint for days at
a time until the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and then he'd help me move all the
artwork I had produced out of the room and back to mine so he could close shop for his
break.
Then for the rest of the break I sat alone; or went to the gym. This break was nothing
different. I still didn't know any other students who "didn't" have some sort of family to go
home too, so I just worked my self to the point of exhaustion Wednesday night so I could
sleep through thanksgiving and wake up bright and early on Black Friday.
I know, it's lame, but I was a sucker for those Black Friday deals. Well... And the chaos. I
kind of enjoyed pushing people out of my way, only to buy things no one else cared for.
This year I had my eyes set on a projector. I hated TV, but with the alcohol poisoning and
all, I figured I wouldn't be partying for quite sometime; which sucked because that made
the holidays suck even worse. I couldn't even think about how terrible Christmas was going
to be.
The last time I spent Thanksgiving with my family was when I was fifteen. That year my
dad broke my wrist and gave me a nice shiny black eye. His rule was to never hit me
anywhere visible during times when I had to go to school, but during the holidays I was fair
game. My mom on the other hand sat in her room crying as the brutal beating was taking
place. I spent the rest of that night wandering around the city until I found a decent bridge
to sleep under.
It wasn't my first holiday spent by myself, and it surely wasn't going to be my last. I never
really knew what a thanksgiving meal was until Jana "took custody" of me the next year.
God damn that woman could cook. I don't think I ever had a chance to be hungry at that
woman's house. I literally went from as thin as a tooth pick, to the hunk I am today within
four months of living with that broad.
If there is one thing I will never forget about that woman, it would be the way she set the
table for the two of us. Though there were only two plates, she had more than enough food
to feed an army. It was like she half expected her actual children to come visit, which sadly
they never did until her passing, and by then I had become sole beneficiary of her estate
and assets.
I never felt bad for those guys. They had a loving mother and they took advantage of her.
They never called her once, not even when her health started to deteriorate. But I was
there every step of the way, and even after she died she is still helping me each and every
day. She paid for my college education. She gave me her almost brand new car, and if I
chose to I have a home I can call my own as soon as I graduate; she made sure to hold off on
that so I couldn't wuss out of college.
She literally gave me everything when I had nothing, and I miss her more and more each
and every day she has been gone.
I stiffened my upper lip quickly and picked up a few more odds and ends that day as well. I
desperately needed new clothes so I found myself buying myself some really nice suit
jackets, slacks, regular fitted jeans, dressier shirts, and some of my normal clothes.
Finding all that didn't satisfy my Black Friday shopping needs so I also bought; a new
blankets, food, tons of movies, and my thoughts even turned to Jamison as I wondered into
the pillow top mattresses; so I might have grabbed him one as well. I mean, it was half off.
I'd be a total jerk for not getting him one.
But with that all being said, that made it so I had to pick up more things for him as well. I
might have over done myself this year, but with our new projector we were going to need
optimum comfort.
When I got home that day it took me four trips to unload all the shit from my car, but hell,
at least it kept me occupied.
I ended up rearranging our entire room that evening so that we both could be next to the
projector and sit on our beds right in front of it.
I folded Jamison's old sheets and blankets and threw them into the closet before setting up
his new digs for him. The thought that he might not like me touching his shit didn't even
dawn on me until I was all done, so by then I didn't care. He'd like it, or he'd get over it;
either one of the two works perfectly fine for me.
I passed out soon after, not bothering to eat again since it was way too late for me to order
things and I just didn't have it in me to cook for myself.
Saturday passed by just the same as I thought it would have. I ate and watched a few
movies I bought before going to the gym and working out; nothing too out of the ordinary.
I even did my laundry and put it away, which was slightly abnormal, but it happens.
Then of course I showered and changed into my new pajamas I had bought the day prior.
I contemplated texting Jamison every day, but I figured it would be best to just leave him
alone. He was probably dry humping with that kid with the stupid name anyways.
Russ? Who names their kid Russ? It was probably short for Russell or something, but hell. If
I ever saw him I'd probably call him sprout. You know, for brussel sprout? Hah.
No but really, I just couldn't bring myself to interrupt his good time for once. Just because
I'm miserable and alone doesn't mean I should take away from his good time... At least for
this holiday. Christmas might be a whole different story. Who knows?
But before I could close my eyes I saw my phone light up on my night stand. It was if as
whatever kind deity was out there saw how miserable I was and wanted to shine some
kindness down upon me.
Hey Keagan, I'm coming home earlier than expected. What day will you be back?
I never left so I'll be here whenever you get here. What's wrong? I responded, more excited
that my friend would be home rather than concerned as to why he was coming back almost
a week early.
...Wait, you never left? I cursed at myself internally as I tried to come up with something to
say, but honestly it was just far too much effort.
Yep, tricked you into thinking I had people who cared about me! Haha, anyways, you didn't
answer my question so I'll ask again. What's wrong?
Nothing important... I'll explain it better when I get there. Do you think you could pick me
up at the airport tomorrow then if you're already there? I should be landing around noon
tomorrow. Is that cool?
Yeah, I got you Jamie. I'll see you then.
He didn't respond after that, and I was perfectly fine with that. I was kind of excited to see
him. Well... I was more excited to show him all the things I bought for us.
Maybe we could even have a makeshift thanksgiving since I totally missed that whole day.
Who knows! I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
 BACK HOME

Jamison
I was actually really excited to go home. I missed my family, my friends, and my room. I
missed the atmosphere in general. School was fun at times, and Keagan and I were finally in
a decent place friendship wise, but it didn't stop me from longing for home.
My parents were happy to see me obviously. I was pretty close with them. They didn't have
a huge welcoming for me but that was expected, it's not like I was gone for too long.
I think my sister missed me the most, she drew me a picture and gave it to me as soon as I
walked in the door. It was sweet and made me feel almost guilty for leaving at all.
"So how is school going son? Good I assume?"
I smiled and nodded as I stopped piling my mom's lasagna in my mouth. It was hard to
stop; I missed home cooked meals so much.
"Yea it's going great. Much different than high school but I like the challenge. I can't wait
until next year when I'm able to take classes more into my major."
My dad nodded at me and smiled at my mother.
"We're so proud of you. We're really glad you're enjoying it, we just miss you a lot. Make
sure you try and come home on more weekends, we'd really like that."
"Oh of course dad. I was just getting settled and stuff, now that I'm used to how it is there
I'll be able to come here more often. I miss you guys too."
I wanted to visit more, it was just hard to go back and forth, with all the traveling involved
and whatnot. Hey maybe they could come visit too, like get a hotel or something and see me
after classes. That would be cool.
I hung out with my family for the first two days I was home, and then I made plans to hang
out with Livvie and Russ. At first I wanted to go out and do something exciting and
different, but then it started to rain and I changed my mind.
The rain didn't bother me but I knew Livvie wouldn't want to get her hair and makeup all
messed up so I figured we could postpone our outdoor adventure.
I found it a little odd that it took Russ a while to answer my text, he was usually good with
replying. I wanted to think there was no reason as to why but deep down I knew better.
Hey what's up?
Nothing much, was just wondering if you wanna hang out? Livvie's house?
Yea sounds good, I'll meet you there in ten
Livvie lived around the block from me so I walked there. Russ lived a town over so it didn't
ever take him too long to get there which was nice. I guess I was really lucky growing up. I
had both my best friends super close to me always, it was an awesome experience. And
even though I'm away at school it still feels like the old days in a way.
Me and Livvie were just watching TV when Russ arrived. He was dressed differently, like
Russ never cared much about how he looked but he had on a button down shirt and nice
pants. It was weird, but he looked good.
"Where are you going, a job interview?" I said jokingly as I got up to hug him hello.
He didn't hug me back as tightly as I hugged him. He gave me a bro hug.
"No I didn't have anything else to put on. Do I look stupid?"
I shook my head.
"No not at all Russ. You look like a normal person, I like it."
At least I got him to half smile.
I knew something was up with him I just didn't know what. Livvie noticed it a while back
but now that I was here I was witnessing it too. He was just not himself, his usual sarcastic
awkward funny self.
All of us just sat around for a while and talked, watched a movie and then concocted
something up for dinner. Livvie was pretty talkative which was good because Russ and I
didn't have much to say besides things about school.
Russ barely made eye contact with me and barely touched his food. So when Livvie went to
the bathroom I approached my friend.
"Let's go Russ. When Liv gets out we'll both say we have to leave. There's obviously
something wrong and you don't want to discuss it in front of her."
He bit his lip.
"Okay we'll do that."
I wasn't surprised that he agreed to it so quickly, Russ was always the agreeable type. He
made me that way too a little bit, when I was younger I was so stubborn.
"Hey Livvie Russ and I are going to head out, we'll text you later ok?"
She looked confused but she accepted it.
"Alright guys I'll see you later, thanks for helping with dinner. Glad you're back home
Jamison."
We hugged her goodbye and then I hopped in Russ' car.
I thought that he would drive to his house so we could sit comfortably and talk, but instead
he took us to a random side street in-between my house and Livvie's house. That made me
think he was pissed at me or something, but I didn't do anything. I hated how he was acting
so incredibly weird. Here I was thinking everything was perfectly fine with us but in
actuality it wasn't at all.
"So talk to me Russ. What's going on? I can tell that you're not acting how you normally do."
He put his car in park but still had his hands on the steering wheel. He still couldn't look at
me.
"I really don't even know how to tell you Jamison. Like, I'm sorry. About how I acted. But I
can't help it."
I furrowed my eyebrows and looked in his direction.
"But why? Just tell me. I'm your best friend. If you can't talk to me or Livvie about it then
you're stuck with dealing with things on your own. So I think if you just open up and say
what's on your mind it'll be better for you. Trust me."
Finally his eyes met mine. They looked... angry.
"I think what we were doing was a mistake. I regret the whole thing; everything about it. I
think it was so wrong of us to damage our friendship by doing what we did."
Ok so wow.
Keagan was right.
This is exactly what he said was wrong.
"What? Russ it wasn't a mistake. It was both of our ideas, we both agreed to it. It was...
good. It was fine, up until now. What changed?"
He started to tap his foot, and it made me nervous. Even though the car was in park I felt
like we were about to plunge into somebody's house.
"Everything changed. Everything. I-"
He stopped and then shook his head.
I didn't say anything, I just let him collect his thoughts and continue.
"I feel like I'll never be the same. Yeah, when it was happening it felt good and it felt right.
Then you left. So I thought the easiest thing to do was just try and hook up with someone
else so I didn't have to think about you being gone and not around to... do whatever. But
what ended up happening was so god damn embarrassing Jamison I can't even explain to
you," he said almost out of breath. "I thought for at least 3 years that I was bi. But now I'm
second guessing that and it's all your fault. I've never been more humiliated and confused
in my life and you're the one to blame."
I was taken aback by that.
What was he even saying?
"What do you mean Russ? You... you don't think you're into guys anymore? Are you saying
that I turned you straight beca-"
"No!" he shouted. "You're not hearing me. You got it all wrong. I- I don't think I like girls
anymore. You turned me completely gay. I was hitting it off with this girl from one of my
classes... I asked her out. We had a good time and things were going good. But then when it
was time to take things to the next level I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it J. Do you know what
that did to me? I ran out of there like an idiot. Never talked to her again. Because I couldn't
get it up. I couldn't no matter what I did. Because all that was swarming in my head was
thoughts of me getting fucked by you."
Holy shit.
Wait. What?
Am I hearing this right?
"Russ- I never meant to cause this. You have to know that. But that doesn't mean that
you're not bi. You could just need more time... maybe you were nervous."
He squeezed the wheel.
"No I wasn't. I was into her. She was pretty, had a nice chest and all that. But my body didn't
want any part of it. It was awful. I don't even want to attempt it again."
This didn't make any sense to me at all.
"Maybe-"
He didn't let me finish.
"Look I know your intentions wasn't to turn me. But you did. And I'm sorry Jamison but the
only way I can get through this is if I disassociate myself with you for a while. I know that
means that we'll have to tell Livvie, but it's ok. She would have found out anyway. I just
can't even deal with this right now. I thought for sure that I was into both guys and girls.
Now I'm feeling like I don't know myself at all. And seeing you just reminds me of all the
times I was in your bed, or my bed, or wherever. It repeats in my mind over and over. And I
can't take it," he said and turned his car back on. "I think it'll blow over. I do. But for a little
while, I can't be around you. You can't text me or call me or anything. And that's the end of
it."
And that was that.
He said what he had to say and then he drove me to my house in silence. And that was it.
I was really upset about what he told me, what he was implying. That it was all my fault? It
was partially his idea too. It couldn't have just been me, could it?
All I knew at that point was that if I couldn't be civil with my two friends, I didn't want to be
there. My family would understand if I wanted to go back to school early to get my work
done, so that's the lie that I told them.
They paid for my early flight back, and I asked Keagan to pick me up; which he did.
I didn't want to explain to him why I came back so soon, but I knew he wouldn't let this
slide.
"Can we just not talk about it?" I asked pathetically.
He looked at me like a sad puppy and kept driving; and I appreciated that more than he
would ever know.
When we got into our room I noticed that he took my old sheets off my bed and replaced
them, and made it look nice. It was a small but nice gesture that made me smile even
though I was in a bad mood.
"You bought this pillow top for me?"
He smirked at me.
"No the bedding fairy came in and set it up for you Jamie."
I folded my arms. "You're hilarious Keagan really. Here I am trying to say thank you and
you have to ruin it."
He laughed.
"Oh well in that case, you're welcome!"
I blinked at him a few times and fixed my glasses. I was bad at being flirtatious but clearly it
was in Keagan's blood.
I sat down on my new bed set and sighed. Keagan was being semi sweet and all that but I
still had Russ on my mind. All throughout the flight all I kept thinking about was what he
said to me.
"Hey so since you're back, how about we crack open some beers huh?"
It was my turn to smirk now.
"Since beer is your go to meal? Especially in rare cases of human emotion."
"Oh shut up Jamie I have emotions. Just be quiet and drink this!" He said as he handed me a
cold bud light.
I opened it up and took a sip. Keagan sat down next to me, right next to me. I could feel his
shoulder touching mine.
"But really thank you for the pillow top and making my bed nice, I appreciate it."
He flashed me a genuine happy smile and it made me feel special. And I realized then that
he's one of the only guys that's ever made me feel that way.
 COMFORTING

Keagan
I stood in front of Jamie with an outfit of his in my hand. All he's been doing for the past day
and a half is pretend to do homework to mask his moping.
Not only that, but he hasn't left my side. Not that I particularly minded that, but even in his
sleep I could just feel how sad he was.
Luckily for me, I didn't have to ask what happened. I just knew. That kid he was so excited
to go home and see must have ended their friendship or wouldn't put out or something.
Why else would he be so quick to come back here to me?
The less I asked though meant the less I had to explain myself. Which was cool since I really
just didn't want to explain my shitty life to someone who just wouldn't understand.
So sadly, that left cheering Jamison up to me. I mean I didn't have to, but seeing him sad
was just kind of too much to bare. Not that he was always upbeat or happy, but sad... It just
wasn't a good look on him.
"Can I help you?" He asked as he eyed me up and down.
"Yeah, put this on." I said as I tossed the outfit on to his lap. "We're going out."
"I really don't want to Keagan."
"Did I ask what you wanted to do?" I laughed. "No, I don't think I did. So put these on, clean
yourself up, and relax. We're just going for some decent food. I called a cab, so you've got
thirty minutes!"
I smiled as he complied with my wishes and quickly escaped into the bathroom.
I looked myself over in the mirror and smiled at my appearance. Messy hair, dark grey v-
neck shirt, black blazer, aviators... I just looked like sex. I'd definitely do me.
"So... Why are we taking a cab?" Jamison asked from behind me, and I turned to take a good
look at him. Honestly I did a good job picking out clothes. He had such a limited wardrobe
so trust me when I say it was a difficult task.
"Because I don't know if I'm going to get a drink or not while we're there." I mumbled as I
admired my work. Long sleeved light cream button up shirt under a maroon sweater... He
looked... We'll he looked nearly edible.
"Do you not trust me to drive your car?"
"Not when you've had a drink or two as well." I winked. "Just stop worrying and let me take
control for a minute. I promise if there is one thing I'm good at, it's having a good time." I
held out my elbow for him to take, just to watch his cheeks turn bright red at the gesture.
"C'mon, I only bite if you're into that."
He sighed and took my arm, clearly not finding me as charming as I found myself to be, but
never the less he was still grinning from ear to ear.
We took a cab all the way downtown to a pretty busy area. Tons of shops, restaurants, and
bars filled the narrow streets, but I had my eyes on one place.
"Where are we going?" Jamison asked as I led him further down the street.
"To a very important restaurant to me, is that okay? Or do you wanna go somewhere else?"
"No... Your pick is fine." He chuckled.
"Good, now relax you control freak."
It took us maybe about ten more minutes to get to the hidden restaurant. I would have had
the driver take us closer, but watching Jamison's eyes explore a new area was too good to
pass up.
He just looked like he was in a horror movie all the time. His eyes held such a weird look of
terror and interest in everything, and it was actually pretty funny. I know he wasn't
actually scared of everything, but he clearly didn't adjust well to change.
"Why is this place so important?" He asked as I held the door open for him to the small back
alley restaurant.
"Well..." I paused and waved at the familiar faces who tried greeting us, but knew I was just
going to go to my self acclaimed table. When we got to our seats Jamie gave me an
expecting look to continue on with my story. "Jana took me here when I was trying to figure
out what college I was going to go to. She herself always dreamed of going to MSU... So, the
least I could do was at least take her on the tour with me."
"What made you want to go to MSU?" I smiled at my menu as I tried to pretend like I didn't
hear his question. "Keagan?"
"What?"
"What made you want to go here?"
"Her smile when she saw all the flowers on campus." I said trying to sound as manly as I
could. "When she died, I just couldn't not go here."
He nodded, and I knew he wanted to ask more, but thank God our waitress came over to do
her job.
I ended up ordering the same thing I always got; a turkey Rueben on sourdough... I can't
really remember what Jamison got though, he just ordered some weird pasta.
Since everything here was freshly made, we had to wait a while for our food to get here
leaving us a lot of free talking time. Which sucked, but I mainly stayed clear of all personal
topics.
"So, have you figured out what you want to do in life?" Jamison asked and I sighed because
of course, I didn't know how to answer that.
"Nope. I just want something that will pay for my basic needs and a little extra. So whatever
works fine for me." I replied honestly.
"You don't have any specific passions?"
"I wouldn't necessarily call them passions." I laughed. "Hobbies more or less."
"What are they?"
"Art. Anything with it. Sculpting, painting, just not drawing. Drawing is too thought
consuming."
He raised his eyebrow in confusion but again, I just didn't have an answer.
"So why don't you do something with that? Become a muralist or something."
"Once I turn a hobby into work, it no longer is a thing I'll enjoy doing. I know it's dumb, but
I like keeping everything separate."
He nodded in a seemingly understandable way just as our food arrived. We continued with
less meaningful small talk until our food was gone, but as our waitress came back to take
our plates, I stopped her and smiled.
"Can you take our picture?" I asked as I held my hand out for Jamie's phone.
"Of course." She grinned.
I motioned for Jamie to come over to me and he just gave me a dumbfounded look, so I took
his hand and pulled him over, plopping him down on my lap before handing his phone to
the lady.
"Smile Jamie." I said as I put my arms around him and have the camera the cheesiest grin I
could muster.
"There you guys go." She laughed as she handed me back his phone. "Very cute."
"Thank you." I replied, as I moved Jamie off my lap. The picture was actually very cute, and I
almost wanted to send it to myself, but instead I opened Jamie's Facebook app and set it as
his default.
"What are you doing?" He asked, sounding annoyed now. But not as if he was annoyed with
me, more like a teenage girl who's parents took her phone.
"I'm setting this as your default. I figured that ass hasn't deleted you yet, so he can see just
how much fun you're having without him. Even if you're not." I laughed, half hoping he was
at least slightly enjoying himself but pretty much accepting that this outing probably was
benefitting myself more.
"Oh..." He finally said as I handed his phone back. "We should probably take more pictures
then."
I literally had to stop walking. The... He was taking a step, finally! A sassy vengeful step!
"Atta boy." I chuckled as I took his hand and pulled him into a better lighted area of the
street.
I don't know exactly how many pictures we took, but there were a lot. This nice lady
walking her dog actually offered to take them for is as she saw we were running out of
selfie shots to take.
I might of even snuck in a picture of me lifting up my shirt, that way that asshole Russ could
see exactly what little Jamison could be getting himself into.
My favorite picture of all was the one Jamie narrated. He insisted that he jump on my back
and wrap his arms around my neck. I really thought it was going to look like we were trying
to shove ourselves in people's faces, but really, I don't think I've ever seen Jamie smile so
genuinely before.
"Alright, I think that's good." He laughed as he thanked the dog lady again. "For just taking
pictures, that was really fun."
"I told you you'd have a good time tonight." I said in a matter of fact tone.
"I know, thank you Keagan." I was about to respond, but Jamie lips planted themselves
firmly against my cheek before I could. "Let's go back home."
I nodded, a little shocked by the gesture still, but managed to flag us down a taxi pretty
quickly.
The ride home was relatively quiet, and the walk back up to our dorm was pretty damn
silent and awkward, but as soon as we got inside and got comfortable Jamie had no
problem climbing into my bed next to me.
"Tell me about Jana." He said as he made himself comfortable under the sheets.
"Excuse me?"
"She's important to you, so I want to know her better than just a name and an old picture."
I sighed as I turned over to face him. "She was my everything for a long time. She fed me,
she made me cut my hair and care about my appearance, she even made sure I was beyond
taken care of after she was gone." I said, getting quieter towards the end. "98 pounds of
feisty in that old broad."
"She sounds like an amazing woman."
"She was." I said quickly. "I just happened to pass by her on the wrong day at the wrong
time and she just decided to take my shit world and flip it upside down. No matter how
rude I was, she wouldn't stop visiting me until I came and stayed with her."
"Wait... She came to your house and made you stay with her?"
"Not exactly." I laughed. "That's a story for another day. I we keep talking about me, we'll
have to start talking about you and your trip."
Jamison was quiet for a second, but then I felt an arm wrap it's way around me. "I can't be
solely blamed for the relationship I had with Russ can I? He had to have wanted it too at
some point right?"
"If he didn't, he wouldn't have done it. He just needs someone to blame for his insecurities.
You have nothing to do with it, he's just dealing you the shit end of the stick."
I didn't get a response, much like I expected I wouldn't, so I just fell asleep after a few
moments of waiting. I did enough comforting for one night.
 JUST TAKE IT

Jamison
I wasn't peeking; I swear to god I wasn't peeking, but who could blame me for looking?
A freshly showered Keagan comes out of the bathroom and... Holy shit. Let me just tell you...
Woo.
I closed my eyes when I noticed that he was going to turn towards me after his towel had
dropped, just to maintain an ounce of dignity in my self, but honestly... His back half was
exciting enough.
"It's okay to look now." He laughed his voice unusually cheerful for the morning. "You're a
terrible faker."
"You woke me up." I groaned as my cheeks flushed. I could be a perfect verbal liar but my
face would always give me away.
"Well, it is noon and I would like to go shopping today. Christmas is coming up and papa
needs some new cologne."
"Please tell me you're actually talking about like your dad or grandfather." I laughed,
immediately regretting those words as I watched Keagan's facial expressions tighten up.
"No." He chuckled half heartedly. "I'm papa, and I need some smelly good shit."
"Well alright!" I said, trying to act as if I didn't notice how uncomfortable I just made him,
because if there is one thing I know, playing ignorant is definitely the key with maintaining
the peace with this man.
After I got dressed we left without a second thought. Keagan of course drove, but
something was up. I couldn't tell what, but he just looked off.
"What's going on?" I asked, hoping he would glance over at me.
"Nothing." He sighed, and although he didn't look at me, I could see his fists tighten around
the steering wheel, and that told me more than a facial expression ever could.
"Keagan, I'm sorry I said what I did earlier, but... Shit like that's just going to keep coming
out of my mouth if you don't give me a concrete reason to actually avoid mentioning
parental topics."
"You would have thought me telling you that I ran away and chose living with a woman I
didn't even fucking know would be reason enough." He snapped. "Look, I'm not mad at you,
okay? You have no reason to sensor yourself because I shouldn't even be upset. I just need
to push the problem back out of my mind again."
We sat quietly for a few minutes, and I could tell just by how he was sitting that he wasn't
relaxing any more than he had been a few minutes ago... So why not poke the badger a little
more.
"Is that why you drink?" I deadpanned unashamedly.
"Yes, I drink to forget." I would have taken that seriously, but he said it in such an
obnoxious tone that I had no doubt he was just trying to get me to shut up.
"And you sleep with every one because you have Daddy issues. It all makes so much sense
now." Yep, I brought it there. I fucking did, and you know why? It needed to be said. He said
I don't need to sensor myself, so I won't.
"You know what?" Keagan veered off the side of the road and parked so abruptly that I
think we both might have gotten whiplash. "Fuck you Jamison, why the fuck are you talking
like this? What the fuck has gotten into you? Oh wait, clearly no one has since the only guy
who would fuck you pushed you so far out of his life that he can't even be gay anymore."
"That doesn't even make sense." I laughed. "Why don't you stop shifting the topic and be a
man and stay on one about yourself. Or can little Keagan not handle that?" I don't even
know why I was continuing with this now. What he said didn't hurt me, but the rise I was
getting out of him was just... It was almost intoxicating.
"Jamison you might want to check yourself, because you're really starting to piss me off."
"Oh am I? I'm sorry, I didn't know cold heartless Keagan could feel. Are you gonna hit me?
Is that how you're going to solve this problem?"
He looked at me for a moment and I tried to gauge what he was feeling, but I couldn't... Or
at least it wasn't anything I wanted to see. I couldn't find any anger, any hate, he just looked
sad.
He pulled us back out into traffic without even looking. In fact, it didn't even look like he
was even paying attention to what he was doing at all.
"Keagan... Keagan... Keagan!" I shouted finally, but nothing seemed to be getting through to
him. No, actually he seemed to just regress further into himself and press harder on the gas
pedal.
I could feel my heart beating through my chest as everything became a blur. I was
screaming for him to pull over or at least just to stop swerving in between cars; I begged
with apologies even.
"Oh, you want me to stop?" He laughed, clearly out of his mind now. "Fine I'll fucking stop!"
He swerved off the road and onto a dirt shoulder before getting out and slamming the door
behind him. I could hear the car horns honking behind us angrily, but my attention mainly
focused on the man outside, stomping about as he pulled at his hair.
I tentatively got out of his car and closed the door quietly, not wanting to disrupt him any
more than I already had.
"That, that right there is how I fucking feel when that... That scum is brought up." He turned
and pointed at the car. "Every single fucking time."
"Keagan, I'm... I'm-"
"No you're not!" He shouted, cutting me off. "You're not fucking sorry Jamison, this is what
you fucking wanted it isn't it? You wanted me to freak out, you wanted me react, and when
it didn't happen how you plan, you just want to back out?"
"N-"
"You want to know so fucking bad about why I can't talk about him? Why every time you
try to bring up all my dirty laundry I shut you down?" He asked, clearly rhetorically. "I can't
even say his name without breaking down Jamison. The shit he did to me is literally
unspeakable."
"Keagan, you don't have-"
"No, clearly I fucking do." He snapped again. "You want to know so fucking badly about why
Keagan is the way he is so here you go!" I tried to shake my head no, but he grabbed my
arm and yanked me back to the car and nearly threw me against it. "Tell me Jamison, do
you know what it's like to have to wake up every morning in fear of even leaving your bed.
Only to know that if you don't leave your bed the punishment will be even worse?"
I shook my head no because at this moment I dared not to even speak.
"Of course you don't." He laughed. "And tell me Jamison, do you know what it feels like to
be beaten so brutally, that you can't even scream out in pain any more? Or do you know
what it feels like to watch your mother- the one person who was supposed to protect you-
cry as she looks away so she doesn't have to witness what is happening to her child?" There
were tears forming in his eyes, but he didn't bother to break eye contact with me, but I had
to do something. So I pushed myself away from the car and wrapped my arms tightly
around his neck and refused to let go.
No matter how hard he pushed, no matter how angry his words were, I just held on tighter.
I made this happen, and I was going to fix it.
"I can't even look at reclining chairs without freaking out now." He sobbed, finally letting
himself break down. I didn't utter a word though as he cried because I knew any sort of
verbal comfort would only make him clam up. I just nodded, silently letting him know that
he was safe and that I had him now. "Why would she let him do that to me Jamie? Why? I
took the pain from her... I took it all. Why didn't she do anything?"
"I don't know." I whispered right before Keagan collapse in my arms, bringing us both
down to our knees on the dirt and rock covered ground.
I could hear how labored his breathing was, so I ran my fingers through his hair as I
comforted him through this melt down.
We had to have been out there for an hour or so though, because eventually people stopped
driving and came over to see if they could help us, but I just waved them away until Keagan
came too.
"Can... Can we just go home?" He mumbled as he stood up and brushed away what tears he
had left on his cheeks with his dirt covered hands.
"Yeah, I'll drive." I took the keys from him and helped him over into the car before actually
getting in my self.
He laid his head against the window and just stared silently until I got us so lost that I had
to ask him how to even get back to campus.
He laughed though, and honestly that was somewhat of a good sign.
When we got back to campus, he held my hand all the way to our dorm. Once we got inside
he insisted that he shower again and that he just needed to be alone for a few minutes.
Though I wanted to argue, I didn't. I just changed out of my dirt stained clothes and into
some pajamas seeing as how I doubted he and I would be going anywhere else today.
Keagan didn't take too excruciatingly long in the shower though, and he was fully dressed
in his own pajamas when he came out this time, which in itself was a slight blessing for me.
Last thing I needed to be was horny right now.
"Can you grab me my blue hoodie from the closet? You're closer." He asked quietly as he sat
down on his bed. I nodded and inwardly chuckled; glad he was finally starting to be Keagan
again.
But something in the closet caught my eye.
"What are these?" I asked as I drug out the canvases from the back corner. I glanced at
Keagan, but he just shrugged.
"Just some shit I did while you were gone."
"Can I look at them?"
"I don't care; just throw me my hoodie first." I rolled my eyes but did what was asked of me.
The wooden canvases were all different sizes, ranging from maybe a foot tall to one that
almost came up to my shoulder.
The first few didn't really capture my attention, due to just being whirls of colors, but then
there was one.
One that was absolutely breath taking.
"Keagan..." I whispered, pulling the medium sized canvas away from all the others. "This is
beautiful."
He looked up from his bed, and immediately his cheeks went bright red.
"Shit, I forgot about that one." He laughed. "But uh... Thank you."
I didn't know why he was blushing, but I couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful it was.
It was just a hand holding a pocket watch; one side being a clocks face, and the other being
the silhouette of what I assumed to be a loved one. It was a simple concept, but it just
looked so real.
"I know this is going to be weird... But can I have this?" I asked, with a huge smile on my
face as I clung to the painting.
"Uh... I don't think you really want that one. What about this one of the trees and the couple,
or this one with-"
"Keagan, you can just say no. But I want this one; the others are amazing as well, but I love
this one."
"I really don't think you do, it would uh..." He looked down at the painting and blushed even
more, and I knew he was trying to hold something back, but he just sighed. "It would be
really weird to own something with your own face on it."
"What?" I laughed, not understanding a lick of what he was saying.
"Nothing; never mind. Just take it." He mumbled as he turned and headed back to his bed.
"No really, what do you mean?"
"That's your face." He stated bluntly. "The silhouette is yours." I turned the painting
towards myself and looked again; I didn't even notice the silhouette wasn't of a female, but
the face couldn't have possibly of been mine... It could have been anyone's.
"Really?" I asked, now triple guessing myself. "Whose hand is that then?"
Keagan held up his own hand and now we were both blushing.
"See I told you that you didn't really want this..." He mumbled and I just shook my head.
"No, I kind of want it even more now..." I said honestly, clutching the painting against me
again.
Keagan just shrugged and smiled this time before motioning for me to follow him to his
bed.
"Fine, it's yours then. But don't expect me to paint you anything else."
 HAND ME MY PANTS

Keagan
For the past four days I've been a complete mess.
I've been pretty good at hiding it, but Jamison can definitely tell. Though I feel guilty for
freaking out like I did, I'm kind of glad I did. Jamison doesn't pry as to why I escape to the
bathroom and hide out in the shower for an hour, he doesn't question me when I ask him to
sleep by me, and he doesn't make fun of me for just staying in bed.
I hated this though. I hated this feeling of drowning in my own self pity and the
vulnerability.
So as you can imagine, my man hood was pretty badly damaged and it was hard to bring
myself back from that. I tried going to the gym but ended up crying in the shower long after
everyone else was gone. I tried fixing the sink in mine and Jamison's dorm, but ended up
putting a hole in the wall from frustration.
Jamie didn't say a single thing though. He just pulled me into bed and turned on a movie
and held me until I was calm again.
To say he was what was keeping me sane after I broke down my own walls was an
understatement.
"I don't know what to do Joyce." I groaned as I rubbed my eyes in frustration from having
to re-tell everything that happened again.
"Sounds to me like my baby boy Keagan got bitten by a love bug." She laughed as my eyes
nearly popped out of my head.
"Shut the hell up." I said, half jokingly.
"No! Open your eyes you little shit and look at what's in front of you!" She said as she nearly
pushed me out of my chair beside her. "He calms the chaotic ocean in your mind, he can
handle you at your worst, and he's cute."
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, of course Joyce would jump straight to me being in
love. That was just her nature.
"Fine. Don't believe me? Try saying his name without smiling." She pursed her lips and
waited as I readied myself.
"Ja-" She held her hand up and started laughing.
"Oh Keagan, you couldn't even get past the first two letters." I looked at her in disbelief and
confusion. "Don't believe me? Go try it out by yourself later tonight. You'll see what I mean."
"Alright Joyce, I'll try your stupid little trick." I said, a little more mockingly than I meant to.
"I'll let you know how it goes."
She waved her hand dismissively, clearly done with my shit so I left. Of course I gave her a
hug of sorts, but I didn't loiter around after that.
Never piss off a woman like Joyce. I've never personally done it, but I've seen big momma
mad... And we'll just leave it at that.
When I got back to the dorm, Jamison was feverishly looking for something. I normally
wouldn't think too far into it, but he was literally tearing apart the room.
"Whoa whoa whoa." I laughed as I stepped over the mess he was making. "Cool your jets
hot stuff. What's going on?"
He shot me a slight glare before putting his hands on his hips and sighing. "I have a
midterm in less than four days. Where is my book?"
Of course I knew he was asking that more rhetorically than actually at me, but I couldn't
help but shrug.
"Which book?" I asked after getting a more intense glare.
"It's the huge blue Psychology one."
"Oh, that's on top of the microwave."
"It's what?!" He asked as he staggered across his mess over to the microwave. "Why the hell
is it here?!"
"The microwave was shaking so... It was the heaviest book I could find; my bad."
I could tell Jamison wanted to explode, but he just sighed and carried the book over to his
bed and sat down. He shot me another look, but more of a "why the hell are you just
standing there?" sort of look, rather than an angry one.
So, with nothing else to do and no where else to go, I just decided to clean up. I figured
Jamie's OCD mind would get to him sooner or later about the mess while he was studying
and then he'd have to stop.
It was the least I could do after being the one who misplaced the book in the first place.
Cleaning the mess didn't take nearly as long as I hoped it would though. So I tried urging
Jamie to go get dinner with me, but he couldn't be swayed. He was dead set on studying, so
I found myself eating some shitty dinner meal we had in the fridge and watching Netflix on
my laptop for the remainder of the evening.
I don't know when I fell asleep but when I woke up sometime in the middle of the night
Jamie was fast asleep beside me. I don't know how long I stared at him, but I definitely felt
funny the longer I did.
Not in like an "Oh god, I'm such a creep sort of way." But more in like a "Wow." Sort of way.
I don't even know what feeling "wow" meant, but I'm not sure if I hated the feeling or liked
it. It was just so foreign.
I tried to close my eyes and roll over, but I just couldn't get the feeling out of my stomach. It
was like it was churning... But in a good way.
So I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom as quietly as I could. One thing was
really bothering me, and maybe it had something with what Joyce was saying earlier.
I turned on the water in the sink, and waited until I could take myself serious again.
"J-" I stopped before I even really began saying his name. I felt stupid again, and with that
being said, of course I would smile. I looked ridiculous... Who wouldn't smile? This little test
proved nothing.
I rushed back into our room and climbed back into bed with Jamie, keeping my back to him
just for the sake of being cautious.
"Keagan, stop moving around." Jamie whispered as he too rolled over and threw his arm
around me.
I sighed, but nestled myself into his body. If I was going to be stuck like this, I might as well
get comfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day Jamison was up bright and early, and every day after that he followed suit.
Up early, studying late.
Finally at day three I had enough.
"Jamie, this is getting ridiculous. Have you eaten anything?"
He looked up at me in confusion; his highlighter was placed firmly between his lips as he
thought about what I just asked.
"Uh I have, I just don't remember when." He laughed.
"That's not funny dude. Take the night off, you need a break." I grabbed the book from his
hands with ease, and held it far away from him. "I'll order us some food. If you cram any
more into that noggin of yours you're going to over load yourself and die."
"I think you're being a little over dramatic." Jamison said as he forced himself off the bed,
but as soon as his feet hit the ground I could see something wasn't right, right away. "Give
me back my book Keagan, this isn't funny."
I held the book a little closer to him –close enough so he could reach it- and when he tried
grabbing for it, he missed and fell forward instead.
"Jesus Christ Jamie." I yelped as I tossed the book aside and knelt down beside him. "Are
you okay?"
He sat up slowly, using me as leverage as he pressed his hands to his forehead.
"No, I don't know what's wrong..." He mumbled. "Make the room stop spinning. I don't like
this."
"I should go get the nurse..." I said, but Jamison just held onto my arm tighter.
"No, I'm okay... I think I'm just dehydrated. Just get me back into a bed." It was almost like I
was having an internal battle with myself over this, but I listened to him and carried him
over into my own.
"So should I get you water?"
"Yeah... I think the way I was sitting was stopping the blood from flowing right too." He
chuckled lazily. "Everything is so tingly."
I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge as quickly as I could and opened it for him, when I
noticed he wasn't making any moves to actually grab it himself, I moved it closer to his lips;
being especially careful as I tilted it along with his head as he took small sips.
By the time the water bottle was empty, he had migrated from the bed and into my lap. I
tried not to think too much into it, because well... He just wasn't getting any better and now
really wasn't the time for all that shit.
"Jamison, I really think I should take you to the hospital." I half whispered as I placed my
hand on his sweaty forehead. He was definitely burning up, so this couldn't just be
dehydration.
"I'll be fine." He groaned, but from the way his eyes were rolling back in his head I decided
to just not listen and carry him out myself.
People gave me weird looks of course, I mean, who wouldn't? I was carrying a limp
partially passed out body to my car on a Sunday afternoon.
When we got to the hospital, we were helped quicker than I expected... Again, it was
probably the limp and now fully passed out body in my arms; but never the less, we were
assisted quite fast.
I sat outside in the waiting room quietly until the doctor came back and smiled nervously at
me.
"He's uh... Conscious." She said. "But he's not too happy with you."
I chuckled and shrugged. "Is it cool if I go see him then? Or will he not let me back there?"
"You're fine to go back there. He never specifically said he didn't want you to, so I don't see
why not."
I nodded and followed her back to his room, letting her go in first so I could have a little
barrier between me and the wrath that is Jamison.
"So, you're good to go Jamison." She smiled as she checked his charts. "Just please, continue
to drink consistently throughout tonight and tomorrow. If he starts looking faint again,
please bring him back in."
"Oh yeah, of course." I laughed and she exited the room after explaining a few more things
to Jamison and I.
"They had to call my Mom since you didn't know any of my medical history." Jamie
groaned. "I have to go home this weekend now."
I bit my lip and looked down. I kinda felt bad, but honestly it was more for show.
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to help."
"Oh stop trying to make me feel bad for being mad at you and hand me my pants." Jamie
snapped playfully.
I smiled and handed him his jeans before turning around so he could dress himself.
"You know Keagan; we really need to stop ending up here." Jamie laughed once all his
clothes were back on. "These dates are going to get pretty expensive."
I bit my lip hard before turning around. I know I took him out on friend dates before, but
just hearing the word from his mouth sent a pang to my chest.
"Yeah I know right?" I laughed, somewhat uncomfortably. "Come on Jamie; let's go get more
liquid and maybe some food in you."
He smiled and took my arm in his own, claiming he was using my body as something to
balance himself with.
When we got back into the car, I caught myself smiling as I "overbearingly" helped him into
his seat.
Which honestly got me to thinking... Maybe Joyce wasn't so crazy after all.
 BACK AGAIN

Jamison
I wasn't too excited about being forced to go back home to obtain my medical forms and
whatnot. But I did miss my family, and Livvie so I guess it wasn't so bad. I usually make the
best of bad situations so I wasn't going to dread the unnecessary trip or anything.

My mom was so concerned when she heard I was in the hospital but I reassured her
multiple times that it was nothing serious and I was just stupid for taking my studies too
seriously and forgot to eat and drink. Of course she gave me a big hug and told me that my
health was way more important than any studying. I agreed with her, I just wanted to make
her and my dad proud. College was a lot of work; way more than high school was. It seemed
like I had a test and paper due every week. That wasn't really the case but it sure did feel
like it.

At first I wanted to get my records and then just leave. I had more work to do for my classes
and I had a test on Monday. But then I realized that it would be silly to come back home just
for a day. I was going to stay the whole weekend and take a late-ish flight on Sunday back to
school.

"Jamison, can I ask you something hun?"

I looked over towards my mom and shrugged my shoulders.

"Yea sure mom."

She pushed her dark black hair out of her eyes and behind her ear. She always did that, and
my sister did too. They were so much alike. I bet I did that as well when my hair gets too
long. It must be a Price thing.

"Why were you in such a hurry to go back to school over break? I know you told me you
had stuff to do but... that couldn't have been the only reason. Or was it?"

I bit my lip. My mom wasn't dumb. She was actually really smart. She knew when
something was up. And she was lucky that my dad wasn't around because if he was then I
wasn't going to tell her the truth. I just couldn't. My dad was cool with my sexuality and
everything but only to a certain extent. I wasn't about to make him uncomfortable about it,
so I was glad that he was at work during this particular conversation.
"No it wasn't. You have an excellent talent for picking up on things," I said to her. "The truth
is that I needed to go back. I wasn't welcomed here. Russ and I sort of fell out and I wanted
to just leave."

Her hair fell back into her face but this time she left it.

"What do you mean?"

She sat up from the couch and moved closer to me. I knew she wanted to coddle me like I
was a kid but she was restraining herself. She knew Russ and I were best friends so I knew
why this information upset her almost as much as it upset me.

"It's complicated honestly mom. But he just decided that he didn't want to be around me
anymore. Because I made him uncomfortable. I know what you're thinking- he's not
homophobic so please don't think that about him."

She furrowed her eyebrows.

"Then I don't understand..."

I didn't know how to explain to her without saying all that happened. There was 0 chance
that I was going to exploit my sex life to my mother so I had to take an alternate path, even
if it was a little far from the truth.

"I guess he just wanted space, like more space than what was already there from me being
away. I guess maybe he realized that not having me around wasn't that bad after all. Maybe
he needs his own time instead him, me, and Livvie time."

"That's no reason to-"

I politely cut her off.

"I know. It's not a reason. But I respected his view of me and stayed away. He doesn't even
know I'm back again."

"Well I think you should tell him, Jamison. This isn't right, you guys are best friends. Fix it."

I nodded. I did need to straighten things out with him, no pun intended. Things couldn't
stay this way. Not with the holidays coming up and not with Russ' birthday coming up in a
few weeks. I wanted my best friend back.

"You're right mom. I do need to fix it. He's being stubborn and unfair."

And with those words I went to go find Russ.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked to Russ' house and knocked on his door. I felt more comfortable knowing that his
parents weren't home; their cars were never in the driveway.

He slowly opened the door and almost closed it in my face, but I pushed it back towards
him.

"What are you even doing here? Please go away."

I slapped my hand on the door, just to make my point clear that I wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm not leaving until we talk. I promise I'll go, just give me 5 minutes Russ please."

He sighed and let me in finally.

His house always looked so un-lived in. Everything was just so, and no piece of furniture
looked like it was ever sat on. I wondered how he got used to that; it was almost creepy.

"I'm back because I needed to get medical papers. I was in the hospital because I was
dehydrated. But I'm here because I want to get to the bottom of this. I can't not talk to you.
It's too hard. And it's really not fair to me, what you're doing. It's not and you know it."

Russ shook his head and smiled arrogantly.

"What I'm doing? I'm not doing anything. I asked you to stay away from me and here you
are. Every time I see you it just reminds me of- things that I don't want to be reminded of
and it's fucking difficult to see past it right now. You can't understand what I'm going
through so please just accept what is and get out of here."

I hated that we were standing.

Russ was taller than me and I felt like he was speaking down to me more than just
physically.

"You can't blame me, Russ. You were part of what happened too. But I'm not having the
same exact conversation with you," I said to him, trying my hardest to look him in the eye.
"But you have to accept the fact that you might have just been gay this whole time. It's not
easy to accept; that I know because I have been there. But you can't eliminate me because
you think I turned you. You know deep down that I didn't. I couldn't have. You're born the
way you are. And it might be scary to realize but it's ok I fucking promise you it is. No one is
going to hate you for this. No one is going to think anything differently of you."

He actually sat down.

He put his hands over his face and bent his back.

At first I didn't know what to do. But instinct kicked in and I sat down next to him, but not
too close.

"I'm scared," he said.

And for a second I thought that maybe we'd have a breakthrough.

But then he cleared his through and came out of 'hiding' and said, "That was 5 minutes
Jamison. You need to leave right now."

I said nothing more to him. I just got up and left like he asked me too.

I had no idea why this was so hard for him. He had the biggest support system and
everything going for him. There was no reason for him to feel so internally conflicted. It
didn't make much sense to me. But he was right about one thing. I didn't fully understand
because I never questioned myself like he is right now. I never went through that. So maybe
i can't relate. But I just wanted to be there for him. He was one of the closest people to me
and I wanted him to know that he could trust me.

It definitely seemed like I had all the time in the world to think about everything on my
walk back to my house, even though it didn't take me that long to get there. I didn't want to
tell my mom that talking to Russ was a failure, so I just avoided her pretty much.

I felt bad about it, but I wasn't in the mood to vent to her.

In the worst way possible, I missed Keagan. He was my go-to person. He was my person. He
was the one that I went to when I was happy, sad, angry, or confused. He helped me, and
listened to me. I never met someone that was so good at listening. Because he may be a
hardass but he isn't a dumbass. He knows the right thing to say, and he's really honest.
Most people in this world are so afraid of hurting people's feelings that they lie to them just
to they don't have to do that. Keagan never would lie to me. He's the type of guy to be like
'yeah I just sold all of my textbooks for beer money' and have no ramifications for it.

He was the best person to go to and he wasn't here.

Hey loser. When are you coming back? I have no one to eat dinner with, no one to
fondle inappropriately, and no one to tell me if my ass looks good in certain jeans. So
I like need you, and stuff. Wait fuck that, I just want to get drunk. Come backkkk

I laughed to myself.

It's like he knew I was thinking about him.

He's already drunk, I could tell just from the way he was texting me. He would never say
those things. But they say drunk words are sober thoughts. So maybe he does like having
me around.

Tomorrow night. Calm down you'll be fine. It seems like you're having a great time
by yourself. Cuddle a pillow or something; same thing.

I smiled and laid down in my bed.

It was more comfortable than my dorm bed, but it was nothing compared to the times I
slept in Keagan's bed. The nights I spent with him, just laying there and being close was
amazing. So much different than the nights I shared with Russ, and that's saying something.

You're mean and I hate you.

I laughed again and turned over.

I really missed him. And I really liked him. A lot.

You can't live without me and you can't deny it!

 Ouch

keagan
I worked all night on this sign and I seriously was almost late to pick Jamie up. I literally ran
through the terminals until I found Jamie's flight and of course people were already exiting.

He had told me the night prior that his mom gave him fair for a taxi but I decided that
surprising him with a lovely little sign that boldly said his nickname would be much better,
and make him ten times happier about his "homecoming".

"Are you waiting for your girlfriend?" I turned to see a small elderly woman beside me, and
I didn't know how to just say that my very flamboyantly decorated sign wasn't for a
woman. I wasn't sure how okay this woman would handle knowing that I was waiting for a
boy... She was seriously old enough that a heart attack seemed like a very serious threat.

"Uh... Something like that." I smiled, and that seemed to suit her just fine.

She left me alone once her party arrived, and I was starting to get worried that I had ended
up in the wrong area all together, but this was definitely his flight.

"Hey stud." I looked back behind me to see a messy haired boy with his luggage in hand.
"Awh is this sign for me?"

I blushed a little before nodding. Three days does a toll on you when literally the only
person you've associated yourself with just ups and leaves.

And quite frankly these few days have been the worst few days alone I've ever had.

I not only started feeling weird things for this boy, but my sexual frustration was just
horrid at night. At least when Jamie slept beside me, I didn't have these crazy hot dreams
about him. Which quite honestly is weird, I know, but my penis seems to want what it can't
have a lot more than when it could possibly have it.

"Yeah... I woke up late since I spent all night on it... I'm sorry I missed you walking out."

"Don't worry about it." He giggled as he playfully hit my chest. "I'm just glad I caught you
before I hailed a cab."
"So... What do you wanna do on this last big night before school starts again? Hookah bar?
Dinner? Clubs? What?"

He gave me a strange look before handing me his bag and laughing.

"You and I are going to order in food and study for our finals coming up. How does that
sound?" The look on his face was more "expecting" now, like he just expected me to nod
and smile. Like he was just the fucking king of the castle or something.

So you know what I did?

I fucking nodded and smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Those gummy candies aren't enough incentive to make me want to actually read this
shitty Western Civilization bull crap." I groaned. "Maybe if like... You lost an article of
clothing for each paragraph I-"

"Let me stop you right there." He laughed as he popped a Sour Patch Kid into his mouth.
"Your attention would be solely on me if I did that. Not happening."

"Oh come on!" I laughed as I tugged on his pant leg. "It would be fun!"

"For who?" He laughed as well. "Definitely not me! Maybe for you since you could make fun
of my twig like body, but I'd hardly call that fun."

My face contorted slightly towards the end of that. I almost felt as if he insulted me more
than he was actually just self deprecating.

"Hey now," I said, trying my damnedest not to sound too offended. "You happen to sport
one of my top three body types. I don't want to hear you make fun of it again."

"Fine, my bad." He stated before looking back down at his book, clearly trying to hide his
face. But from what his hair wasn't hiding, I could totally see his cheeks showing the
slightest shade of pink. "So... What are the other two?"

"The other two what?" I asked trying to get him to say it, but he just pouted until I sighed.
"Oh right, body types, it goes short skinny boys, short curvy girls, and tall awkward boys."

"That... Is not what I expected in the least..." He laughed. "I figured you'd like people who
were... You know... Perfect like you."

"Perfect like me?" I chuckled and shut my book before pushing it off the bed. "What fun
would that be? I just worked this hard for this body so I wouldn't have to work to get who I
want, ya know?"

"Nope, no I can honestly say actually don't." He said behind a smug slightly judgmental
looking smirk.

"Well, that's hard for me to believe but at the same time I thought you were a virgin for the
longest time as well."

He scowled at me, but followed suit in closing his book.

"So, what you're saying is..." He smiled as he sat himself up on his knees and scooted closer
to me. I watched him carefully... Or at least as carefully as my distracted mind could. "Is that
I could possibly have any one I want, just because of this body of mine?" The spit in my
mouth became too thick to swallow as Jamison ran his hand through my hair and twirled
his fingers at the ends.

"Uh... Yeah I guess that's what I'm saying." Not my finest moment, but it was at least it was
something.

"And what you're also saying is that-" he paused as he swung his leg over my lap and
straddled me. "Is that I wouldn't have to put forth any effort as well?" I simply nodded my
head... Because well... I couldn't do anything else.

My palms were sweating, my dick was swelling at a insurmountable rate, and I felt like I
was about to throw up from how fucking hot my body was getting.

"Hmm... Interesting." And just like that the moment was over and Jamison was sitting
beside me with the biggest shit eating grin I had ever seen.

"Wait... What the fuck was that?!" I asked once I came to my senses.

"What was what?"

"That! That whole show! The sitting on my lap... The sexy hair thing... What the hell was
that?!"

"Oh that? Just curiosity."

"Is that your stripper name?" I asked, still completely confused.

"I was just testing your theory! Calm down!" He laughed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I huffed. "I think, I don't know! How did you expect me to react?"

"Better than that I can tell you that much." He busted out laughing even harder. "I figured
you'd probably have our clothes off or something by now, I guess the rumors about Keagan
Bradley aren't all as true as I expected them to be."

Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. Major ego blow there.

I didn't even have it in me to prove him wrong... I just pouted.

"Oh poor Keagan." He cooed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and curled up beside
me. "Now call us some dinner big boy, it's on me tonight."

I sighed and pulled out my phone and called the one place that delivers to campus and
ordered both mine and Jamison's usual meals. We sat quietly for a while after that, but then
Jamison got up and traveled over to his little dresser thing.

"Whatcha doin?" I asked as I stretched out. Though Jamison was only about 110 pounds
soaking wet he sure did make my limbs fall asleep.

"Getting my pajamas on, you should do the same. We have about 6 more hours to enjoy
before the shittiest school week and I plan on doing it in some comfy pants."

"Really?" I chuckled. "You sound like such a girl right now."

"Why? Because I want to be comfortable while I engorge myself on some what decent
Chinese food?"

"No just the way that you said it..."

He snickered and rolled his eyes. "Fine, well you be uncomfortable in your constricting
pants." He grabbed a pair of neatly folded pants and tucked them under his arm. "But I
really think you should get into some pajamas and get a movie started."

He vanished into the bathroom after that and I really wanted to not listen to him... But that
whole idea just sounded like a perfect and comfortable way to end this break.

The Chinese food arrived right after I put on my own pajamas and before Jamison came out
of the bathroom. For a second I thought he might be getting naughty in there, but from
what I could hear he was whispering to someone on the phone... I was half tempted to
listen in, but then I realized how creepy that was so I just left it alone.

When he came out he had the brightest smile on his face; so bright in fact that it almost
seemed fake until he plopped down beside me and took his food and I could just see the
genuine happiness radiating from his face.

"What's with that grin?"

"Well, you put on your pajamas and my Mom just invited you to join me and my family for
Christmas. She's really excited about meeting you so you can't say no." I opened my mouth
to protest this because really I didn't want to intrude, but he planted a firm kiss on my
cheek that shut me up really quick. "It'll be fun, I promise."
 EVEN SCORE

Jamison
Finals week was upon us. Usually I was calm, cool, and collected about finals week. I was
never calm about anything, except school; but this was the craziest time of the year. This
stupid school requires you to move out as soon as you're done taking your tests so they can
avoid having everyone leaving at the exact same time. I guess they're re-thinking their one
entrance/exit thing they have going on in the dorms.
I was planning on pulling all-nighters every night but I knew my body would give up on me
if I did that, so I tried my best to portion out my eating, studying, and sleeping hours
appropriately. It was very unfortunate that Keagan's not wearing pants schedule just so
happened to collide with my studying schedule. Every time I opened a book, there he was
in nothing but gym shorts or boxers. He claimed that it was hot in the room, but I could
swear he was doing it on purpose. It was December, and the building had the worst heating
system in the world so... yeah I call bullshit on that one.
Like, not that I minded; because Keagan had one of the bodies that just let your imagination
wander. I'm not sure how to explain it except by saying I was wondering very often if he
was... well equipped so to speak.
When I sat on his lap the other night, I did feel him get excited, but I couldn't tell if it was a
full force type of thing or not. Not like I'm a raging whore and only like 'big' guys or
anything, I just was curious and that was all.
I was also curious if Keagan and I would ever get to that point, but I highly doubted it
because he and I both were teases and stubborn and stupid. We were stupid for different
reasons. Keagan was stupid because he never ever says whats on his mind and makes me
crazy, and I was stupid because I was making it a habit of wanting to sleep with my friends.
But it's only because I feel a connection with them.
I never would have a one night stand. Ever. I wouldn't be able to accept being used like that.
"Jamie. How in the world are you going to pass your finals if you keep staring into space? I
swear for the past 20 minutes you've been on the same page, not taking a single note or
making any flashcards."
And back to reality.
No more thinking about Keagan, his body, or having a one night stand with him.
Now it's all about algebra, biology, and technical communication.
"Hey I don't see your nose in a book either. You need to study, your final is in less than 2
hours!"
He folded his arms and shook his head at me.
"Don't turn this around! I studied for History yesterday and the day before. If I don't know
it now then I never will. And I'm totally fine with that."
Keagan walked over to me and peeked at my textbook. "Wait. You need to know all of this?"
I flipped a couple pages forward and then answered him. "And all this too. It's a lot. But I
have stupid ways of remembering all the muscles and bones so I'm ok. It's just the illnesses
and diseases I mess up."
Keagan sat down next to me and just stared at my biology book. I never saw him so
interested in my schoolwork before. And in the weirdest way, it was kind of sexy.
I thought a lot about types after Keagan told me his type of guys and girls he's into. I didn't
think I had a type, especially because I had only been with one person. But the more I
thought about it, I realized that I did have a type. I liked guys that were taller than me, dark
haired, and average builds. But besides looks, I was also attracted to guys with intelligence.
The only guys I ever crushed on in high school were the ones at the top of my class. Keagan
was smart; a smart-ass, but still smart. He knew how to get what he wanted and I found
that charming in a way.
"So if I pointed to a bone on your body you'd be able to tell me what it is?"
I smirked and nodded.
"I'm pretty sure, yeah."
I had a feeling that I knew where this was going, so I just let it happen. I saw right through
Keagan for the first time in a long time. He was usually so hard to figure out, but this had
Keagan written all over it.
He pointed to my arm.
"What bone is this?"
"Humerus."
He looked down at my book and smiled. "That's right. What about this bone?" he asked as
he moved his hand lower.
"There's two. This one is the radius, and this is the ulna."
He looked down at the book again to make sure I was right before he kept going.
I was on a roll with every bone he pointed to, and it was fun. He was helping me study and
we were messing around at the same time. I felt bad that he was wasting his own study
time with me, but he said it himself that he felt as prepared as he was going to be, so I tried
not to feel too bad. If this was easing both of our nerves then it had to be worth it.
"And what about this one?"
I bit my lip and looked at where he was pointing to.
"Pelvic girdle," I said hoping that I got it right.
"I saved the best for last. I love hip bones. They're sexy. Especially when they poke out just
enough. Like yours," he said as he lifted my shirt up just a little bit. "That's why I like skinny
guys; not the only reason, but just look at that."
And then everything I just studied escaped my mind.
Because all I was thinking about was Keagan dropping to his knees and kissing my hip
bones, and how hot that would be.
He was making it so difficult for me to concentrate on anything other than him. His eyes
looked so intense and his hand was still on my shirt. Like he didn't want to let go. All I
wanted to do was have him take control and grab me and do whatever he wanted with me.
But we both knew that wasn't going to happen. We both probably wanted it to, but we
knew better. However, those thoughts didn't stop my breathing from speeding up and my
body to betray me.
I cleared my throat and smiled.
"Thank you for helping me review Keagan. I'm very sure I'll pass now."
He laughed nervously and released my shirt.
"Hey I had to get you back for what you did to me. Now we're even."
I squinted my eyes at him and pushed his shoulder, or scapula, if we're still on point with
the bone naming.
"Well if you want to play dirty, I'll play dirty. There can't be an even score. One of us has to
win," I said as I returned my gaze back to my book.
I could tell that he was brainstorming a million ways that I could be getting back at him,
and I loved it. Challenging him was so exciting. The look on his face was priceless.
"Oh and by the way, on a serious note, we both need to start getting our stuff together. We
have to be out of here in 2 days. And you have a lot of shit. So as soon as you're done with
your finals you have to start packing. Ok?"
"Yes mom I'll get my life together as soon as I'm done. But I'm not wearing pants while I
pack and you can't make me. So there."
Keagan was such a jerk. Now I was thinking about him pantless packing; bending over, the
whole deal. God damn him.
"If you don't wear pants I'm packing all of your pants in my suitcase and you'll have to walk
out of here in your boxers. Choose wisely."
"Fuck. Look what I've turned you into. I'm so proud."
I shook my head and clicked my pen so I could actually start writing things down.
This was going to be the most interesting Christmas vacation ever. I couldn't wait to finish
up at school and head back home with Keagan.
 BOXER BRIEFS

Keagan
So finals for me were basically over and honestly this has been the best test taking week
ever.
I had long since forgotten that challenge I had made to myself... You know the one to best
Jamison in our night class together? Yeah, that was out the window, he definitely did better
on that final than I did. But that was primarily because of this new challenge, and primarily
because I just couldn't find it in myself to give a fuck about that class any more.
I don't think Jamison knew exactly how far I was willing to go to "even this score", but
really; who doesn't love a challenge that is literally made to see who can make the other
person horny? That is basically a fight made for me. If we were back in the early 200's
when Zeus and shit were big, I'd be like Aphrodite's really hot brother.
So as you can imagine, the amount of teasing between us was absolutely insane.
I made sure every time I could squeeze behind him in a tight corner, I did; and I made sure
that I over exaggeratedly pressed my hips against his. Of course.
He, on the other hand, wasn't so subtle with his flirtation. No, his was more like curling up
next to me in bed and waiting until I was half asleep before running his fingers across my
lower abdomen or just down my stomach in general. It drove me insane!
I bit my lip and trudged through the immense sexual frustration though.
But tonight was different. Jamison and I were leaving tomorrow afternoon and he had an
especially hard final tonight, so he was passed out in my bed.
... So I of course grabbed his phone and scrolled through to the only name I recognized.
I walked out of our room quietly and waited until the door was shut behind me to dial the
number.
"Ugh... Jamison, do you know what time-" I laughed at the girls groggy voice on the other
end. I felt bad for waking her, but this was my only opportune time to figure out something
good.
"This isn't Jamison." I laughed again. "It's Keagan, and I have a question."
"Oh, hey Keagan!" And just like that, all signs of tiredness had vanished, and I'm pretty sure
she sat up... Probably fixing her disarrayed hair. Not that I really care or anything, but it was
pretty endearing. "What's up?"
"Okay, so I just need somewhat of a favor, but you cannot tell Jamie okay?"
"Okay... Wait he lets you call him Jamie?"
"Well no, but... Ugh focus Livvie." I laughed. "I need to know what Jamie's turn ons are. I
know -knowing him- that you two have had girl talk and you'd really be helping me out."
"His turn ons? Are you guys sleeping together?"
"No." I sighed. "It's a long story. Are you gonna help me or not?"
"Yes, sheesh! Calm down princess, let me think..." There was a brief pause before she
started giggling. "Okay okay, well I remember him saying something about having his neck
kissed."
"Alright, good..." I inwardly sighed, knowing that I couldn't just kiss his neck. That was too
low of a blow. "Anything else?"
"Oh boy... Uh... He and I were watching this stupid romantic comedy once and we started
talking about kissing... I vaguely remember lip biting being a big thing; but I can't
remember if it was like during the kissing or just guys biting their own lips."
Again, not something I could really do.
"Anything else?" I basically begged. "I just need something that is easy to do with no real
contact."
"Let me see... Oh!" She started giggling again and I could seriously hear her blushing
somehow. "He LOVES boxer briefs; like that's his biggest weakness. Especially the shorter
ones that really hug your butt."
"Perfect." I smirked, now knowing exactly what I had to do. "Thanks Livvie, if you think of
anything else just shoot me a text."
"I don't have your number though..."
I sighed for the umpteenth time and told her my number. Usually the guys and occasional
girls I talk to just say "okay!" really excitedly before even processing what I've said. Livvie
was a little smarter than most I guess.
Finally when I got off the phone with her, I erased any sign of us talking and put Jamie's
phone back where it belonged before changing into my tightest pair of briefs and pj pants.
I also decided to forego a shirt tonight, just for an extra effect in tomorrow's big plans.
------------------
I smiled the next morning as I shimmied out of my pants and walked around the room and
just like it had been on some sort of cue Jamison started slowly waking up, which was
perfect.
I made sure before he opened his eyes that my shorts were a little lower on my hips. I
didn't want to leave anything but the dirty dirty parts to his imagination.
"Wh-whoa Keagan..." I turned slowly and smiled at Jamie. I could tell he was fighting hard
to keep his eyes on my face, and really just that was victory enough.
"What's up?"
"What are you doing?"
"Getting dressed and then packing? You alright with that?"
"Uh... Yeah. When did you start wearing briefs? I thought you were a boxer guy..."
"Only for certain pants. I gotta look good for you on this trip." I chuckled as I bent over to
find me some new clothes.
"Why?" His tone was so incredulous that it was making this not fun.
"Because if we by chance happen to see Russ, I want him to eat his heart out over the
trophy you're bringing around." And just like that, this brilliant boxer brief plan went down
the drain. Jamison no longer had an intrigued lustful look in his eyes, and I no longer felt
like this plan was brilliant.
"Oh... Keagan you don't have to do that... I want you to have fun on this trip." He said, his
tone now a bit softer with me.
"That is my fun." I shrugged as I pulled on a pair of pants quickly. I rarely felt foolish or
ashamed of my actions, but there was a weird tingling inside me now that was eating at me.
"You know... Showing off, winning, making other people upset with my presence. That's
me."
"Well..." He got up from my bed and walked over to me, and wrapped his arms around me
quickly before I had any time to protest. "Thank you Keagan. That means a lot."
I sighed and rolled my eyes before patting his back. "Yeah yeah, don't mention it."
"And to think, you almost had me there." He giggled.
"What?" I cocked my eyebrow at him and he just smiled.
"Boxer briefs... Woo... I almost called it quits and let you win. But there was no way you
could have known that... You were just being sweet." He stood up on his tippy toes and
kissed my cheek chastely before running his hands gently down my chest. "So how about
we just put our little challenge on hiatus until after this trip eh?"
I wanted to punch myself. I was so fucking close to winning but... Ugh. Why did I say all
those things? Did I even mean them? I didn't feel like I was lying. It just kind of came out.
So all I could do was nod. Nod like the stupid little domestic house wife I could feel myself
becoming.
------------------
The drive was anything but what I had expected.
I honestly thought I would have had a miserable time, but we just talked.
Literally just talked. Sure I think he rolled his eyes a few times, but it was all playful. Or at
least I hoped it was.
Either way, the trip flew by. The two hour drive I was dreading from the airport to his
house felt like thirty minutes at the most.
But as soon as I pulled up into the driveway I automatically regretted my decision to come
here.
This is where Jamison grew up, this was where every big event up until college happened,
and this was just way too personal for me.
"Shit... I just got my Moms message. Apparently Russ and his family are going to be here for
Christmas dinner... Oh Keagan, are you okay?"
I sighed as I pulled myself out of my shitty mood and looked at Jamison, all I wanted to do
was run right now, but he really needed me. Probably more right now than he ever will
again.
"I'm fine Jamie, don't you worry. Just let me do the talking. Christmas dinner isn't for two
more days anyways, and you have me this time. I doubt he'll even stay for long."
"That's what I'm worried about."
I ignored that comment and grabbed both mine and Jamie's bags before motioning for him
to lead the way; and though the walk up to the front door was daunting, the smell that was
emitting from the house was just so overwhelming that I couldn't help but smile.
It was weird how immediately I had felt as if I were at home... I mean, we hadn't even
walked inside yet. But the smell of freshly baked goods just threw some of the most
pleasant memories I had ever had right back in my face.
I felt, for just a moment, as if I were back at Jana's house. As if I were coming home from
school to be welcomed by some snicker-doodles and an ice cold beer.
Yeah, Jana wasn't conventional, but she is still the closest thing I've ever had to family. So
the warm weird memories were pretty welcomed.
"You alright?" I looked down at Jamie only to notice I was still standing outside and he was
now inside, I laughed inwardly to myself and nodded before stepping in.
"Yeah I'm fine; just thinking about Jana." Jamie wrapped his arm around my waist in what I
guess was an attempt to comfort me, but for once I wasn't sad. For once it was like I could
almost feel her here and I wasn't on the verge of breaking down.
It was really nice, and I really think I could get used to this.
 BARBIE & KEN

Jamison

I was surprised that Keagan kept himself together on the plane ride to my hometown. I was
almost sure that he was going to embarrass me or himself in some way shape or form,
because by now I pretty much know he likes to push my buttons and be a royal pain the ass
for no reason. He did fight me for the window seat, and obviously he won; he told me he'd
make a scene if I didn't let him sit by the window so... I gave in.

He put his headphones on full blast and was pretty much quiet for the rest of the plane ride.
Even though he was quiet, he still managed to get under my skin somewhat. When the flight
attendant gave him his peanuts he opened them up right away and started to throw them
at me from time to time. He stopped when I showed him up and caught one in my mouth.

When we got out of the cab and started to walk to the house, he sort of hesitated. Of course
I asked him what was wrong, and he confessed for the first time that he was a little nervous
about re-meeting my family. The only time they saw each other was move in, and
everything was crazy and my parents were emotional messes because their 'little boy' was
leaving them. So it was really like it was the first time they were ever meeting.

It made me feel good in a way, because it let me know that he actually cared about what my
family thought of him. And that mattered a lot to me; family is everything, at the end of the
day they're literally all you have that is certain.

I eventually convinced him that my mom and dad were really nice people and would accept
him as long as he was on his best behavior. I was slightly kidding. I'm not sure how my
parents would react to such a troublemaker like Keagan. I bet they would just let me handle
him; but he promised me that he wouldn't do anything too crazy. All I could do was trust
him on that one.

My sister on the other hand was a little different. She was a really sweet girl but she
disliked almost any of the friends I ever had. Especially Livvie. I can't understand how
anyone could not like Livvie because she's one of the coolest down to earth people in the
world. But I did have a feeling that Corrine didn't like my friends because she had almost
nothing in common with any of them. Corrine was the type of girl who got fill in nails,
ombre hair, and had a purse for just about every outfit combination she would wear. Like I
said, she's a super nice girl but just very materialistic.
When Keagan and I entered my house my mom immediately hugged me and smothered me.
I was glad that Keagan was there because if he wasn't then she would have probably
suffocated me on accident. She was real glad I was back, obviously.

"Welcome to our house Keagan, please make yourself at home! Dinner will be ready in
about an hour so you guys have some time to settle in and unpack," my mom said with a
smile.

"Thank you Mrs. Price I appreciate you letting me stay here. It means a lot."

My mom smiled at him and put her hand on his shoulder. "Please call me Nancy. You are
welcome here anytime you like hunny."

At first I thought he was just being a suck up, but he seemed really serious. I wasn't sure if
he was secretly a really good actor or if he really did appreciate being with us.

I waited until we got upstairs to my room before I questioned him.

"Did you mean what you said to my mom?"

I asked him subtly as I started to put my clothes into my dresser.

Keagan opened up his bag and just pushed it against my wall.

"I'm many things, but not a liar Jamie. I really am happy to be here. After Jana passed... I
didn't know if I'd ever have someone to have holiday dinners with. So yeah."

I bit my lip and resisted the urge to hug him. He wasn't a hugger, I knew that, I knew better.

"So enough with the sappy nonsense and show me where I can put all my shit."

I smirked and shook my head.

How did I know that one moment of normalcy wouldn't last for more then 20 seconds.

"I'll make room in my closet for you calm down. And after you unpack you can just throw
your suitcase under my bed.

He just nodded at me and started to take his clothes out of his suitcase. I filled the silence
by putting pandora on my phone hoping that he wouldn't laugh at me for my music choices.

But before he could even say anything, my sister arrived at my door looking bubbly as ever.

"Jamisonnnnn you're home yay! Oh my god I love this song, that's why I came in because I
heard it down the hall," she said with a smile. "Oh hi! I'm Corrine but you can call me Cory if
you want."

Cory?? Um. Is this my sister? Since when...

I just ignored it.

"Keagan, nice to meet you. You're a hyper one aren't you?"

She started to twirl her hair and bob her head to the song that was playing. "Yeah a little
bit. I hate being calm it's so boring."

"Well that's a change. Looks like you and Jamie are pretty opposite."

She laughed and shook her head. "Nah we're a lot a like actually. But I'm more fun!"

I squinted my eyes.

"I am fun. Shut up Corrine. You love me."

She playfully stuck out her tongue.

"Hate you actually."

I knew she was only kidding so I let it slide. She was trying to show off in front of Keagan
which was fine. Girls her age did that sort of thing all the time.

"Corrine come help me set the table please dinner is almost up!" We all heard my mom
shout from the bottom of the stairs.

That's pretty much how any Italian family communicates as far as I know.

Corrine slowly made her way down to help out my mom.

"You sure you're related to her?"

I laughed.

"She's an exact clone of my dad. You'll see later when he gets home. I'm sure you forgot
what he looks like. But, like her only bald and taller."

Keagan laughed too and started to bring his clothes to my closet where I made a space for
him.

I didn't move out of the way so he accidentally bumped into me.

I expected him to make a remark that I was in his way or something like that, but he didn't
say anything rude. He just looked at me, for a lot longer than necessary.

"Do I have something on my face?"

I started to freak out and touch my cheeks because the way he was looking at me made me
self conscious.

"No you don't, relax. Don't make fun of me- but I literally just realized that your eyes
change color."

Oh yea they do that from time to time.

It's weird because they're brown. Brown eyes usually don't change but mine do. They're
either brown, grey, or a weird muddy hazel type of thing.

"How could I even make fun of you for that? My eyes are hidden behind my glasses 80% of
the time so I don't hold it against you for not noticing. It's funny because you have blue eyes
and they barely change. Not like I keep tabs on your eye color but yeah."

Just gonna stop talking now before I look like a damn creep.

"They change with the seasons, not to sound like a huge fag. But in the summer time they're
basically all green."

Keagan had such nice eyes. Nice everything actually. If only he knew how perfect I thought
he was; he'd never let me live that down like ever. But if I looked like him? Oh how different
my life would be.

"Lucky you. I'm about to start calling you Ken."

Keagan sarcastically laughed and placed his pants in my hands.

"Help me hang these up, Barbie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner went really well. Way better than I thought. My dad and Keagan engaged in a
conversation that wasn't awkward, and it seemed like my dad really liked Keagan. They
were bonding over sports which I found odd because Keagan never mentioned sports to
me a day in my life. But I was just glad that dinner wasn't silent or weird for him.

My sister and mom were talking about a Michael Kors bag, and I was just sitting there
absorbing everything. I didn't mind not being in anyone's conversation for that moment.
Sometimes I enjoyed watching my family do their own thing.
I offered to help my mom clear the table since Corrine set it up; it was the nice/right thing
to do. I told Keagan to wait in my room and I'd be up in a second.

I also wanted to ask my mom something without Keagan overhearing.

"Uh mom can I ask you something?"

My mom opened up the dishwasher and nodded. "Yea sure what is it?"

I shuffled my feet and handed her the plates.

"Could you please make Keagan his own stocking? I think he'd really like that. I was just
thinking earlier that everyone's going to have presents and stuff on Christmas and Keagan
won't have anything. I want this Christmas to be special for him."

My mom took the plate out of my hands and smiled warmly at me.

"Of course Jamison. I'll go out and get him one, and you can decorate it when he's not
around. Sound good?"

I nodded.

"Yes. Thanks so much mom, you're the best."

She really was. She understood me in a way that no one else really did. Not even Livvie. Not
even Russ.
Hopefully she didn't pick up on the fact that I liked him... because as of right now he was
staying in my room, in my bed, with me. She would so make him sleep in the guest room if
she knew.

I had to keep my feelings for him on the down low for now, because I wanted to keep him
as close to me as possible at night. I just liked having him there. I almost needed to have
him there. It was nice, and it always felt right.
More right than it ever felt with Russ. I was still deciding if that was a good or bad thing.
But at that point, I just didn't care.
 THRESHOLD

Keagan
It was almost as if Jamison could not get enough of me that first night we were there, and it
was starting to freak me out.

He sat by me all night- which yes, was appreciated, especially through dinner... At first I
figured it was to keep an eye on me to make sure I behaved... But it wasn't. It was like he
just wanted to be there.

Then right before bed I could clearly see how uncomfortable his mother was with me
sleeping in his room, Jamison didn't seem to care though. In fact he was the one to turn
down all his moms offers to finish fixing up the guest room for me, so instead she built me
my own bed on the floor. I guess it was an attempt to keep us as separated as possible, and
I don't blame her. If my son brought home a hunk from school, I'd suspect there was
something up as well.

Of course we put on a show for his mom while she said goodnight to us, but as soon as she
closed that door and was a safe distance away, Jamison pulled me up and into his bed
beside him.

I really felt like a teenager out of one of those stupid family sitcoms. Sneaking around,
whispering, and being paranoid... Not that I ever did that as a teenager, because well my
teenage life- up until I lived with Jana who never cared who or if I brought anyone over-
was a little strained.

Jamison had ended up falling asleep way before me anyways. I guess the flight and all the
warm loving family time wore him out.

Though I was a little jealous of his life, I couldn't help but smile at how tuckered out he was.
The way his lips parted as he snored almost silently and the way his small hands felt on my
bare chest just kind of made my heart beat a little bit faster.

I tried shaking my mind of all these weird feelings I was having, but no topic I tried held my
attention long enough. It always just went back to Jamison.

Needless to say, I had a rough night.

The morning was even worse; I had to pretend like I was a sleep. Not because I didn't want
Jamison to know but because right at the ass crack of dawn his mother came barging in and
whisper yelled in Jamisons' face until he got up and followed her out of the room.

I could barely hear her or him as they bickered outside in the hallway, but of course it was
about us sleeping in the same bed. I could hear him scold her quite clearly though, I guess
she must have stepped over the line somewhere, but of course I missed that part.

So before anything else negative was said about me, and before Jamison could get us
thrown out of his parents house I decided to throw on a t-shirt and mosey my way on out of
his bed room.

I gave his mother a sincere smile as I squeezed my way past them and towards the
bathroom, I could tell just by the tension between them that their little argument was no
where near over so I mulled over everything in my head before stopping and turning
around.

"Mrs. Price, I'm sorry if you feel as if there was any disrespect going on towards you and
your house last night. I can assure you there wasn't. I've had trouble sleeping alone for a
long time now, and the floor was just not that comfortable. So if it makes you feel better, I'll
sleep in the guest room." I said as I raked my fingers through my untamed hair, and I swore
the look on their faces was priceless. "But... Uh... I'm going to go pee now, so sorry I
interrupted as well."

I exited the hallway gracefully and closed the door quietly behind me to keep up the "good
boy" front I had going, up. Again, their whispers were too faint for me to hear everything,
but from what I could hear, they agreed that the guest room was where I would be staying.
Which I was fine with, I mean it wasn't like I was getting any action with Jamison, so a bed
to myself for a few days was going to be cake.

When I left the bathroom, Jamison was standing in the hallway still with his arms crossed
tightly over his chest. He huffed as I chuckled and rolled my eyes at his childish appearance,
but followed me back into his bedroom anyways.

"What was that about?" He sneered as I started grabbing my things. "I almost had her! She
almost dropped it."

I sighed and turned around, only to see a disappointed puppy dog look on his face. "Look,
Jamie... I'm not here to cause problems with your family alright? They accepted me into
their home during the holidays without even knowing me... So I'm just trying to make a
good impression okay? I don't get to have family opportunities like this, so I'm trying to
make the best of it okay?"

His expression softened a bit before he looked down at his bare feet. "But-"
"No buts," I laughed as I playfully knocked into him. "In all honesty I'm trying to score a hug
or two out of your mom so I can feel like less of a burden and more like a guest, so just let
the poor woman be."

"I just haven't slept alone in a long time..." He whined, and really it was kind of cute.

"We'll make the best of it okay? Even if I have to sit with you until your whiney ass falls
asleep, we'll make it work. So stop worrying and get dressed, you need to buy your family
presents and today's the last day to do it."

He sighed and nodded his head compliantly before pushing me out of his room and closing
the door behind him. I laughed just loudly enough so he could hear me before making my
way over to the guest room just as his mother was leaving it.

"Thank you Keagan..." She whispered. "I know I might seem overbearing but I'm just trying
to keep the peace with everyone in the house. The less awkward situations his father and I
have to walk in on the better. You know?"

I smiled and offered a little chuckle before placing my things on the floor.

"Yeah of course, Jamison just got a taste of freedom with college and isn't quite aware yet
that things change when your back at Mommy and Daddy's house. So no offence taken, I
completely understand."

She gave me a guilt filled smile before walking away and leaving me to change myself in my
new room.

This was also very weird. I haven't had a room to myself since I was eighteen, and now here
I am in some foreign house again staring at a full sized mattress with a weird quilt and soft
pastel colored walls.

It's bizarre how the world always seems to throw you back right where you started. I
always felt it was a way to remind me of my place, somehow telling me that I will never a
place to call home or a bed to call my own. Everything I've ever had has always been
someone else's, and I just don't see that changing.

Not by choice of course, but by sheer coincidence. Even if I could claim something as my
own, I'd end up fucking it up somehow and losing it.

I, for some god forsaken reason, am who Murphy modeled his law after.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

And that's just how it has always been, and that's just how it will always be. Coming to
terms with it wasn't easy, but once you settle in and expect the worst, the bad just doesn't
seem as bad anymore.

"Keagan, hurry up!" I snapped out of my thoughts and pulled on a pair of pants I had some
how picked out in my flurry of self deprecation.

"Yeah yeah, I'm right here." I chuckled as I swung the door open, "How are we getting
around princess?"

"Livvie's coming to get us." He laughed. "She's really excited to meet you."

"Yeah, I'm sure she is." I smirked and shot Jamison a wink that wasn't received as well as I
thought it would have been. I figured I'd get a playful nudge or at least something back, but
instead he just scowled and walked away. No snippy one liner, no feisty shoulder punch,
nothing. He just walked away, and for a moment I considered asking what crawled up his
ass, but I just placed a safe bet that it was just better not too.

--------------------

The moment we got back to Jamison's house, we hurried back into his room and began
wrapping the gifts for his family. Now there wasn't much, but we made sure that each
member got at least one gift from "us" as Jamison claimed, but really they were just from
him.

Once we were done we quietly placed all the gifts under the tree, and dismissed ourselves
from dinner since we had already eaten while we were out with Livvie.

"So what did you get me for Christmas?" I asked as I stood in Jamison's doorway. I wasn't
comfortable with going all the way in his room again after this morning's fiasco so I decided
the doorway was as far as I would go.

"Nothing, I'm sure Santa will bring you coal though." He quipped as he pulled his sweater
off, leaving him in just a plain white t-shirt and pants. It was a suiting look for him, but I
doubt Mr. Uptight Jamison would ever be caught dead in such leisurely and undignified
clothing.

"Why? Is it because I've been so naughty?" As the words poured out of my mouth I instantly
regretted them knowing that with my luck, Jamie's Mom would be right around the corner,
but thankfully she was still in the kitchen.

"Shut up!" Jamison giggled as he stepped dangerously closer to me. "Plus, you might talk
big, but I've never seen you do anything real 'naughty'."

"Oh really?" I scoffed. "You really want me to have to prove you wrong in your parents'
house?"
"You don't have the balls." He laughed, poking my chest hard as he spoke.

"Wanna bet?"

He laughed in response before throwing his hands up in the air as some sort of taunt, and I
checked behind me quickly before actually stepping into his room but he just laughed even
harder.

"See, that's what I'm saying. You just don't have it in you! Oh, where's the brave Keagan I
know who doesn't care what people think? Hmm? The Keagan who wouldn't pass off a
good lay even if the pope was in the room beside him. Where is that Keagan?"

"That Keagan is back in Michigan where he belongs." I sighed, knowing he had called my
bluff. "And the West Virginian Keagan is going to bed now before he makes a bigger ass of
himself. So g'night Jamie."

"Good night Keagan." He chuckled before closing the door behind me for the second time
today, and really I was getting sick of this. He was right though, I was just different here and
I couldn't tell why.

I knew I wanted his parents to like me, but for what reason? Was it so I had somewhere to
stay over the summer? Doubtful, but probable I guess... And it's the simplest thing I could
come up with on the spot so I wouldn't torture myself too much with it later.

Though I was beyond tired from the sleepless night I had had before, I just kept raking my
mind over what I was going to give Jamison. I searched the mall earlier today for something
for him, and nothing popped out.

Jamison wasn't the kind of person you could just buy things for anyways, or at least he
never showed interest in things that cost money... The only thing he ever really showed
much of a liking to around me was my art...

I got up quickly and found my sketch pad in my bag and sat down with it. I brought this
with me just incase Jamison's house was a total bore, but I guess this thing would come in
handy for more reasons than just that!

Of course I didn't have any paint with me, so I begrudgingly picked up a pencil and began
sketching away at the first thing that came to my mind when I thought of Jamison.

God how I hated drawing though... Well with pencil that is. Charcoal is fine... But pencil just
sucks. For some reason my hands cramp up and the whole ordeal just puts me in an
incredibly shitty mood, but I busted through this.

I ended up hating the drawing, but there wasn't much I could do with it. I mean... How
much can you really do with a drawing of a messy bed?
Unsatisfied I looked through my sketch book and found an old charcoal drawing I did of a
boy with a deer skull perched on top of his head in the middle of a forest. It was the best
thing I had in that damn book sadly.

I sighed, now defeated with my two equally shitty presents before me and nothing to wrap
them with, but just as fate must have it I realized quickly that the guest room I was staying
in also happened to be a study of some sorts, or at least there was a desk and a filing
cabinet in the room.

I crossed my fingers as I pulled open the first drawer and lo and behold a beautiful stack of
manila envelopes sat in front of me. I smiled at the weird yellow-brown color before
shoving both drawings inside and clasping it shut. I debated on whether or not to write
anything on the front, but my mind was way too warn out to really do anything else... So
instead I just hid the folder and crawled into bed.

Though I could feel the emptiness around me, I embraced it knowing that my mind was
going to shut off soon enough and that these few days would be over soon enough.

---------------------------

"Keagan... Keagan get up!" I peaked out of my eye that wasn't buried in the pillow beneath
me and stared at a way to cheerful Jamison.

"What the fuck do you want?" I groaned as I pulled my blanket over me defiantly.

"It's Christmas, and everyone is up and getting ready to open presents. C'mon!" I sighed
and did as I was told knowing full well that me sleeping through this moment wouldn't be
well received.

"This is going to be so awkward." I groaned again, but quieter this time of course.

"No it's not. It's going to be fine. Just shut up and sit beside me."

"Oh really? Beside you? Gee, I figured I'd sit on your dads lap or something."

"Har har har, very funny. Just quit bitching." Jamison laughed. "It's going to be fine."

"Oh yeah, because watching someone else's family open presents is every ones idea of a
good time."

Jamison didn't respond after that, he instead grabbed my hand and sat me down on the
floor beside him.

I smiled as his mother passed around everyone's stockings, but it soon faded as she
stopped in front of me.

"Oh... An extra stocking... I wonder who this could be for?" She smiled down at me before
turning what looked like a basic white and red stocking around towards me. Though it just
had my name written in gold puffy paint, and what looked like sunglasses and stars with
swirls all around drawn on it, it didn't change the fact that my eyes were welling up with
tears.

I could feel everyone looking at me as I flipped the goodie filled sock over in my hands...
They must have thought I was crazy.

"Th-thank you." I choked out as I looked back up at Jamison's mom who just shrugged.

"Don't thank me, thank Jamison." She leaned down and pressed a tender motherly kiss
against my forehead before patting my shoulder. "It was all his idea, and I'm really glad we
could do this for you Keagan."

I smiled through biting my lip as I held back my tears. I felt Jamison's hand snake around
my bicep and his head lean against my shoulder, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything
more than rest my head against his to show my appreciation.

I had to get up and leave halfway through the gift opening to get some air and though the
cold air wasn't as brisk as I was hoping for, it was still very welcome and stunned me just
enough to help me start breathing again.

I'm not sure how long I stayed out there, but I jumped when I felt something brush against
my hand. Of course it was Jamison, I knew it just from the gentleness of his touch, but I
looked down at him anyways.

"Are you okay?" He asked keeping his voice quiet. "Mom and Dad bought you some
presents too. They put them in your room for later."

"They really didn't have to do that..." I mumbled, now feeling bad that I didn't actually get
them presents of my own.

"Of course they did. You're part of my life now and they want to be part of yours too. It's
nothing crazy, I promise you. Just wear the sweater Mom bought you and then throw it in
the back of the closet like the rest of us." He chuckled.

I mulled over his words before nodding simply. I wish I had a better response to offer him,
but right now I just couldn't put words together well enough without the daunting fear of
puking from this emotional overload.

"C'mon stud, lets get you back inside." He muttered as he pulled on my arm and lead me
back into the house, but before we even stepped over the threshold Jamison's sister stood
in front of us with a shit eating grin on her face.

"What?" Jamison asked, probably a little more annoyed than he needed to be.

"Oh nothing, I just thought I'd stop you two before you broke a tradition. You should never
pass under mistletoe without kissing someone, ya know? Bad omens." She feigned a
frightened shiver before leaving us by ourselves. But before Jamison could brush off what
his sister had said and make up any lame excuses for us not to kiss, I grabbed his face and
brought myself to his lips.

I don't know why I did it, I just felt as if I had to. For everything nice he has done for a piece
of shit like me, for every day he has put up with my shitty jokes and bad attitude, and for
every day he has made me feel a little more human and a little less like a monster.

He didn't hold back either, well... At least until after the initial shock wore off. And what I
had planned to be just a simple "thank you" filled kiss quickly turned into something more.

"Whoa..." I said under my breath as we pulled away, and I could tell he was feeling the same
way too. Probably not for the same electrified and dizzy reasons I was, but I was hoping it
was somewhere within the same realm.

"Whoa is right." He chuckled as a light shade of pink dusted his cheeks. "What was that
for?"

"For everything." I said as I took his hand in my own. "Seriously... This really did mean the
world to me Jamie."

"I'm uh... Really glad I could do that for you." I don't know why he was whispering, but I
could see he was clearly at a loss for words.

"Yeah me too..." I pressed my lips against the top of his head before pulling him into a tight
hug. "I have a present for you up in my room... Do you want to go get it?"

"Keagan, I swear to god if you ruin this moment with your penis I am going to be highly
upset."

I couldn't help but laugh then. The irony of his statement and the fact that he said penis
while his mother was within earshot was just great.

"No, no it's not. I promise." I laughed again before leading him back into my room before all
eyes had a chance to be on us again.

"So... Where is it?"

"Patience man, it's right here." I pulled the envelope out from under the mattress and
handed it to him. He looked at the buff colored package before opening it and pulling out its
contents.

"Wow... This is- wait..." He put the picture of the boy down on the bed and examined the
drawing of the bed I did. "Is this...I love this Keagan."

"Really? The bed? You like that one?"

"Yeah, it our bed... Well your bed, but the one we sleep in together... Thank you, this is
beautiful. It looks exactly like how your bed always ends up when we wake up... My side
half made and yours in complete disarray." He looked over the picture again before setting
it down and wrapping his arms around me. "So I know there's not mistletoe but is it safe to
kiss you again? Because... Well either way I'm going to do it, I just wanted to give you more
of a heads u-"

I laughed and pressed my lips against his again, interrupting him this time with a kiss a
little more innocent but still just as electrifying as the last.

"Yeah it's safe." I grinned before pecking him again.

"Good because you can definitely be exp-"

"Jamison and Keagan, guests will be over soon! So you two boys get ready for the day!" His
mother hollered, and I could feel the entire playful and warm mood between us just vanish
from the room almost instantly, but before I could say anything to lighten it back up,
Jamison just smashed his lips against mine again.

"Nothing is going to ruin today for me." He said with such confidence. "Not him, not this
ridiculous family dinner... Nothing. Nope, I just kissed you and you kissed me twice. Nothing
can ruin today, and if something starts to, I'm just going to kiss you and you're just going to
have to get over that."

"That's fine." I laughed, brushing my lips against his forehead. "My lips are at your service
Captain."

"Good. Now lets go see what ridiculous sweater Mom bought you."
 CHRISTMAS

Jamison

It bothered me that Keagan now had to sleep in the guest room instead of where he
belongs; in my bed, with me. I understood where my mom was coming from but it just got
under my skin knowing that my parents still aren't 100% okay with a guy sleeping in my
bed with me. I guess they'll be the same way when my sister is older and whatnot, but still.
If I was straight I'm sure my dad wouldn't mind if a girl slept in my room. But what's done
is done and now Keagan is a whole room away from me.

I wondered what Keagan and I were... I mean, we were much more than just friends at this
point. But we weren't together. We weren't secretive about our 'relationship' either though.
We never kissed each other like we did earlier. That was a first for us. And I could bet any
amount of money that it meant something to Keagan- he can't play it off like it didn't. He
can't try and tell me that he didn't feel what I felt.

I felt something deep inside my gut that told me that he's the person that I'm meant to be
with. Maybe not for forever- but for now, for a while. All I knew was that I wanted to keep
kissing him. I wanted to be the only one that he kissed, and I wanted to be the only one he'd
share his bed with. No more one night stands for him, just me and only me.

Of course I couldn't tell him all of that. Knowing him, he'd call me a possessive queen or
something like that. I'm not trying to be possessive, I swear. I just know that he's too blind
to see what we actually have.

It took a lot longer for me to fall asleep because Keagan wasn't with me, but I eventually fell
into a somewhat peaceful slumber.

When I woke up, I had a bad feeling that everything that could go wrong, would today. I
haven't spoken to Russ since we 'fell out' for the second time. I knew my mom meant well
when she invited Russ and his family over for dinner but I mean really mom? Why couldn't
it just be us? There's almost definitely going to be drama.

I sat up in my bed and rubbed my eyes to try and prepare myself for the day. My mom was
going to need a lot of help in the kitchen. She was cooking for 8 people, which isn't much for
a Christmas dinner, but it's a lot of cooking for one person to do alone. The last time my dad
was trusted with the oven he almost burnt the entire house down so we no longer let him
step foot in the kitchen unless he's actually eating. Sorry dad, but it's for the best.

Keagan knocked on my door before he came in.

He looked so cute in his t-shirt and boxers on, I couldn't help but smile.

I wanted to give him a good morning hug, but I already knew he'd be weirded out by it. I
knew him way to well at this point.

"You look like you got hit by a bus," he said with a smirk.

I frowned.

The asshole is back huh.

"Well we all don't wake up looking like a Greek god like you."

He laughed and playfully smacked my shoulder.

"I just mean you look tired. Calm yourself. I'm sure a shower will do you some good."

If only he was joining me in the shower, would it do me any good.

Whoops so my dirty mind has come out, judge me.

"You can shower first if you want. I'm going to do downstairs and see what my mom wants
me to do, then I'll come back up. After I'm done we can eat breakfast and whatnot."

Keagan nodded and pulled at his shirt. I wanted him to take it off so I could get a quick
glimpse of his 6 pack, but he knew better than to remove his clothes in front of me. What a
tease.

"I'd be more than happy to help with anything. You're parents are being so generous, the
least I can do is help like set the table or run out and get groceries or something."

I smiled.

Sweet Keagan exists.

"That would be great actually. My mom would appreciate the help."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas morning/afternoon pretty much flew by like it didn't even happen. All 5 of us
were scrambling around like crazy people cooking/cleaning/re-arranging and all other
sorts of things. It's so funny how much people care what their house looks like when guests
come over.

Keagan wanted to help cook, but there was only room for two chefs at the counter and that
was my mom and sister. Keagan and I were the slaves who cleaned off the table, vacuumed
the entire house, and went out to buy all of the stuff we forgot. Let's just say finding a
supermarket that had everything we needed was not easy. We probably went to 3 different
stores for 5 things. Mom is so picky.

I think Keagan noticed me freaking out a little bit right before Russ and his family were set
to come over.

"Are you nervous?" Keagan asked me. "About seeing him?"

I wished that Russ wouldn't be an issue. But I just knew he would be. I knew he would give
Keagan dirty looks across the table. I knew he would ignore me and act fake to my parents.
It was an awful feeling.

"Sort of," I said, looking down. "He was my best friend and then he was nothing. It's hard to
accept that."

Keagan walked closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"If he says anything rude to you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, he's going to have to
deal with me. Okay?"

I tried not to make a big deal out of what he said.. but it was honestly the nicest and
sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me. He'd never know how much I valued him as
a friend, and now as a protector as well.

"Thank you Keagan. I hope he doesn't," I said just as our doorbell rang. "Let's put on our
fake smiles and do this."

Keagan smiled with all of his teeth to look creepy on purpose. It made me laugh and I
instantly felt 20% better than I initially had.

My mom open the door and greeted Russ and his parents with warm hugs and a friendly
smile.

Russ made eye contact with me and looked Keagan up and down before entering my house.
I bet it was a surprise to him that Keagan was actually here for the holiday. But he was here
and Russ had to deal with that.

We sat around and talked while we waited for dinner to be ready.

My dad was talking to Russ about school; thank god he was communicating with him so
Keagan and I didn't have to.

"He's not even hot. I can't picture you two... you know. Like at all. Just saying." Keagan
whispered to me.

I made a face at him.

"Hush your mouth, both of our parents are around. Geeze," I said defensively. "I happen to
think he's pretty good looking. Even if he is a jerk. So there."

Keagan scoffed. "He doesn't have shit on me."

I shut up, 1. because he was right and 2. dinner was finally ready.

Of course Russ was sat directly across from me so I had the absolute pleasure of looking at
his face the whole time I ate.

The only good thing about dinner was the food itself. My mom was an amazing cook and
everything came out fantastic. Especially her sweet potatoes. I pretty much filled half my
plate with just that. Keagan liked them too, but the carnivore that he is, he ate mostly ham
and turkey.

Russ' mom asked me how I liked college and of course I embellished a little bit and told her
I was doing well and having an amazing time. I told her that Keagan was my roommate and
all, just so there was no confusion as to who the 'mystery' guest at the table was.

I was thankful that the rest of dinner wasn't too awkward. Russ didn't say much and
minded his own business for the most part.

There was one instance where he and I both went for the plate of brownies during dessert
and he let me go for it. It was a tense moment for no reason; I just wanted my damn
brownie.

My real anxiety set in when dinner and dessert was over and we had no choice but to
socialize. My parents were talking to Russ' parents and my sister had gone up to her room
probably to digest. So all that was left was the three boys.

Keagan was about to break the ice so to speak, but Russ surprisingly interrupted his
thought and said something.

"Sorry but can I steal Jamison for a second? I'd like to speak with him in private."

Keagan squinted his eyes at Russ but motioned with his hands otherwise. "Sure."
It kind of made me feel good about myself that Keagan was already getting protective over
me. It was flattering.

I followed Russ to a different room and gave him a 'what the hell' look.

"I know I don't have any right to ask this, but is that guy your boyfriend?"

I folded my arms.

"Yeah you're right you really don't. But no, he's not. I do have feelings for him. I would
apologize if that offends you, but I'm not sorry. You might be stuck in the closet but I'm not.
Keagan isn't going anywhere so, that's the way it is. If you think-"

Again, Russ interrupted.

"That's not why I asked. I'm not a homophobe Jamison. I just wanted to know. I don't want
to be the bad guy here. I'm trying ok? I'm trying to accept myself but it's not easy. It's
actually really hard. And not going to lie, seeing you and Keagan kind of lit a fire under my
ass. I'm learning that maybe being gay isn't all that bad. My parents didn't seem to have any
issues with you guys. So I'm hoping that maybe they wouldn't have any issues with me
either. But it's a scary thought."

I uncrossed my arms and started to actually listen to him.

I wasn't expecting that. But if he thinks that I'm going to crawl right back into bed with him,
he's dead wrong. I don't want to be a part of that anymore. If he needs a friend, I'm there. If
he needs me to speak to his parents, I'll do it. But I'm not going to fuck around with him
again.

"I understand," I said with full honesty. "It doesn't change or take back all you said and did
to me though. You really hurt me Russ. I'm still upset over everything so I might need some
time. I'm glad for you, for being honest with yourself and all. But you pushed me away and
made me feel wrong and I don't think I forgive you for that yet."

Russ nodded and looked sad.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't have an excuse for that. But I am sorry."

Keagan peeked his head in and held onto the wall.

"I sense you two are having a moment. I'm going to go up to bed. Merry Christmas to you,
Russ."

My heart sank when I heard the bitterness in Keagan's voice.

Shit.

I wanted to go after him, but I couldn't.

Any normal person would understand this situation, but this was Keagan. He had a red hot
temper and a short fuse. There was no way he'd be like 'oh yea he's gay now good for him
no problem.' Nope. Never.

But Russ needed me. His family was still here, and I needed to show my face until they left.

I felt horrible that Keagan probably had a terrible evening, and I hoped he'd let me make it
up to him.

I just had to think of how...

 BED TIME

Keagan
I closed the door quietly behind me after my somewhat overly dramatic exit. My stomach
was tied in knots that entire time they were in there, and I just couldn't handle it anymore.
So I had to put an end to that. I really wasn't about to have some boy I couldn't stand half
the time have that kind of control over me.

No.

We kissed and that was it. That was our moment, and it was over now; big fucking whoop.

I stripped down into my briefs and climbed into the guest room bed, scooting over as far as
I could so I could rest my pounding head against the cool wall.

No matter how hard I tried though, I couldn't fall asleep. I just tossed and turned until I
heard the door to my room open and I felt my body go deathly still as I waited.

"Keagan, are you awake?" And though I was I just couldn't find it in me to respond.

He waited a few seconds before closing the door, but as soon as I thought I was safe, a
weight shifted my bed and a small arm wrapped it's way around me.

"I'm sorry if mine and his conversation ruined your night... I just wanted to let you know
that nothing has changed. I'm still not fond of him, but I'm still really fond of you." We were
both quiet for a moment, and then he kissed my shoulder. "Again, I'm sorry Keagan..."

I could hear how sincere he was, so all my reserves about this mess flew out the window.

"Stop beating yourself up Jamie, it's whatever." I sighed as I rolled over to face him. "I don't
care, you guys were just taking forever and I didn't feel like being hounded by the parents
so I went to bed." I lied and of course and Jamie saw right through it.

"Really? Cause you sounded pretty jealous to me..." He poked playfully as he brought
himself dangerously closer to me.

Though I can usually control myself while I'm in bed with him, my nerves are still standing
on end; so body contact with the jerk who was making me so uneasy was just about to send
me over into a mess I don't think either of us are ready for.

"Jealous? Of him?" I laughed and I inched my way back. "I don't think so."

"Oh so not even just a little bit?" Jamie chuckled, knowing he was definitely poking a wired
up badger. "Not even the tinniest little bit of you was upset that Russ and I could of been
making up in there?"

"Nope. Why would I care?" I asked blatantly. Which kind of shut him up. I couldn't tell if he
was hurt by that or if he was reevaluating where he and I stood as of earlier...

"Because you do care, and I'm not about to let your pissy attitude think otherwise." He
finally said as he kicked off his shoes and joined me under the covers. "So either be the
Keagan who will sleep with anything, or be this new fun and sweet Keagan... But no more of
this emo brooding Keagan. No one has time for him."

I laughed and rolled my eyes at my apparent different personalities before pulling Jamie up
against me and kissing him; hard.

"Mmmph," he grunted as I pulled away from him mid make out. "What the hell? Why'd you
stop?"

I smirked and shrugged before pushing him gently out of my bed.

"I can hear your Mom now. You should be in your room mister, it's way past your bed
time."

Jamison shot me what seemed to be a glare before smirking. "This... This is far from being
over Keagan."

"Mmm I'm sure, but there isn't anything you can do about it tonight. Is there?" From the
small light coming from outside I could see the defeated look on Jamie's face as he left my
room, but I tried my best to ignore it.

But as soon as I could hear that the coast was clear of all adults, I quietly snuck out of my
bed and into Jamison's room.

He stirred a little in his bed before rolling over.

"What do you want Mom?" He groaned tiredly.

"For you to shut the hell up." I chuckled as I crawled in next to him.

"What are you doing in here?!"

"You made me feel bad for you, so..." I pulled out my phone and set my alarm for four a.m.
"I'll stay in here with you until then, okay? Take it or leave it."

"You're such an asshole." He laughed. "But fine, I'll take it."

"You're damn right you will..." I mumbled before wrapping my body around his. "Don't ever
say I didn't do anything for you."

"Ugh, just shut up and kiss me jerk."

---------------------------

When my alarm clock rang at 4 I nearly broke it.

Within these few short days of sleeping alone, I forgot how incredibly nice sleeping with
someone felt.

Even with us just making out until we passed out... I can't say that I've ever slept better. I
was relaxed and warm, and I felt a weird sense of security with him in my arms. So waking
up and knowing I had to go just made it suck that much more.

"Don't go..." Jamison mumbled against my neck, causing waves of electricity to run up and
down my spine.

"You know I have to Jamie..." I sighed as I tried to move away, but of course he just held me
there.

"I'll tell her I had a bad dream or something and you just slept in here to comfort me..." I
looked over at the half conscious boy next to me who clearly knew he had won.

"Fine..." I chuckled before wrapping my arms back around the beyond stubborn boy. "But I
swear if I get yelled at by your mom, I will never forgive you."

Jamison laughed and brought his lips to mine again briefly before settling back into me.

We slept for a few more hours before we mutually decided it was time to wake up and
make our decision to share the bed seem as innocent as possible... But it was eerily quiet in
the house.

Under normal circumstances I would have just thought that everyone was still sleeping,
but... This is Jamison's family we're talking about.

"Calm down!" Jamie laughed as he raked his fingernails down my back. "I bet they're at
church."
"And they didn't invite you?"

"Why would they?" He laughed. "This is a small town, not many people want me there."

"You're still they're kid..."

"And I'm okay with them going... My sexual orientation is mine, and the less it has to reflect
on my family, the better. They're not hurting my feelings, and besides, I'd rather be here
doing something with you..." And though he had a valid case, I couldn't shake the weird
feeling this whole situation was giving me. I felt bad and kind of guilty at the same time. No
clue why... I just kind of did.

"Well shit..." I sighed. "I'm still sorry Jamie."

He shrugged and leant against me. "It's fine... I'm just sick of being in the house."

"Really?" I laughed. "How could you ever get sick of a home like this?"

"Trust me, the novelty of my family wears off really quickly." He quipped but as soon as he
said it, I could tell he regretted it. Probably because he knew I didn't have much of a family,
but I waved my hand dismissively to let him know it didn't bother me.

"How about we go out then? We can go get some food or something. My treat?"

"Yeah sure! I'd really like that." I watched as his eyes lit up, and though it made me smile...
It also kind of turned me into a car crash full of nerves.

"Ha, yeah you'll have to drive though seeing as I don't have a car at the moment." I said
lamely, trying to make this a more casual conversation rather than a 'hey I just offered to
take you on a date' conversation.

"Oh! Yeah of course! Maybe I'll show you around this lame little old town too, or
something."

"Whatever is fine with me." I said as I got up from his bed. "I just need food in my stomach
first, and then the rest of today is ours to waste."
 MY PLACE

Jamison
I was shocked but excited that Keagan basically asked me out on a date. We went out
before, as friends who just went out. Any friends would do that and it would be completely
normal. But this wasn't one of those times. This was Keagan and I going out as something
more than just buddies. Our title was... unclear, but it wasn't nothing; we weren't nothing.
And that's all that mattered to me.
I first drove us to IHOP because I had a feeling it was his favorite place to go. He'd never
admit it, but it totally was. The way he devoured those pancakes was unreal at times. He
had four in a stack and then I blinked and there was half of one left pretty much. With abs
like his, one would wonder where all of those carbs even go. Like, seriously.
"You sure do know how to eat," I said with a slight chuckle so he didn't kill me for picking
fun at him.
He put down his fork and swallowed what was in his mouth.
"I was starving! What do you mean? I eat just as much/fast as a normal person. You just eat
slow. Leave me alone." He said with a smirk.
"Whoa look whose getting all defensive! Calm down. I think it's cute."
I didn't know if I should have held my tongue or not. I wasn't sure what I was allowed to
say and what I wasn't allowed to say. Not allowed as in, up to him, but up to me as well.
What was I comfortable with? What was I sure of? I wasn't aware of our status, and neither
was he.
I figured we'd figure it out along the way somewhere. I hoped it wouldn't be an awkward
conversation and we'd be on the same page, but I had no idea how it would actually go.
"Well I think you're nuts. But thanks, jerk." He said as he finished what was left on his plate.
"So if/when you ever finish eating, where are you taking me?"
I squinted at him while I deliberately ate even slower.
"It's a surprise. Don't get excited it's nothing super special. But it's just somewhere I think
is pretty cool."
Keagan nodded and took a sip of his water.
Maybe that's how he stayed so fit. He drank a lot of water. I never noticed until recently
how much he really drank. And come to think of it, I barely ever saw him work out. It was
crazy how fit he was when he didn't really eat healthy or lift that much. I mean sometimes
in our dorm late at night he'd work out but that was it.
Lucky for him.
I had a small gut. Nothing gross or anything like that, just no abs whatsoever. Just a flap of
skin that was there where abs were supposed to be. Hm maybe I could ask Keagan to help
me get in shape. That would be fun. He'd most likely kill me and make me work hard, but
that's what I needed. I was getting tired of being frail.
"I'm sure it'll be a good time whether you think it's 'super special' or not."
I smiled and quietly finished my pancakes.
After I was done Keagan got the bill and we headed out.
It felt nice to have him pay, but I wanted to pay next time. Knowing there was going to be a
next time was exciting. I no longer had to prove myself with him. We were passed that. It
felt great.
"So how long is it going to take to get there?" Keagan asked like a cute little five year old.
I kept in my snide remarks and answered him.
"Maybe like 15 minutes. It's 5 minutes away from my house but since we went out it's a
little farther," I said as I drove, keeping my eyes on the road. "I used to walk there from my
house actually."
Keagan nodded and continued to look out of the window.
It was hard not to lose focus because of him. It sounds weird but it's true. He looked so
collected and calm. His presence was enchanting.
"So that's the church that my family goes to," I said as I pointed to Keagan's side of the car.
"And down a ways is a little supermarket; I think we might have gone there the other day
when we got groceries but I can't really remember because that day was so freaking hectic.
But yea, me and my sister always used to beg my mom for 25 cents to get gumballs. Those
were the days."
I felt bad for talking about my childhood because I knew Keagan didn't really have a good
one. But I wanted to let him in on mine. I wanted him to get to know me better. I felt like I
knew a lot more about him than he knew about me. Which made me realize that we both
needed to learn a lot more about each other. I wanted to know everything about him.
"I can just imagine little baby Jamie begging mommy for a gumball. That's so funny. Did you
fight over who got to sit in the cart?"
I laughed.
"Yeah like every time. I always had to walk because I was older. But that's life."
Keagan laughed too; it was a different laugh than I've heard. It was a playful nonjoking
laugh, if that makes sense. I liked it.
I pulled over and stopped the car.
I knew Keagan was confused so I explained to him. "We have to walk through a trail on foot,
then we'll be there."
"Oh wow, I didn't know you were the adventurous type."
I smiled and unbuckled my seat belt. "There's a lot you don't know about me."
He followed me out of the car and through the trail that led to our destination. The trail
wasn't anything crazy, it just took a few minutes to get through.
The joy of living in Virginia was that there were secret beaches that not many people knew
about.
Keagan stopped in his tracks and just took in the landscape.
I bit my lip and scratched the back of my head while I watched him. I was glad he couldn't
see me being a creep.
"I used to come here all the time to clear my head," I said as I walked over to him. "It's my
place."
Keagan looked away from the water for a moment to look at me.
"It's so... peaceful here. Why is no one else here?"
I kicked at the sand.
"Not many people know this exists. It's not a main beach; it's part of one. But it's secretive.
That's why I like it here. It's calm. It's relaxing. It's perfect."
I hoped Keagan didn't realize what I was saying had a double meaning. Because I wasn't
just talking about the beach. I was talking about him as well.
As much as he drove me insane, he also relaxed me. And he was perfect in his own way. I
knew he didn't see it that way, but I did.
I looked up at Keagan and bit my lip again.
A huge part of me was praying that he would kiss me.
I needed him to kiss me. I missed it.
And he did.
He held my face in his hands and kissed me gently. I shivered unexpectedly and he pulled
me closer. We didn't make out, we just kissed and that was it. And it was fine just like that. I
didn't want more. I didn't expect more.
He pulled away and hung his arm around my shoulder.
"Thank you for bringing me Jamison," he said as he kissed my head. "I love it here."
 BEACH

Keagan
My heart wouldn't stop aching after Jamison took me to his special spot. I just wanted to go
back there with him and spend the entire day just holding him and staring out at the water.

Though that was my first time ever seeing a beach... I kind of felt like I belonged there. The
sounds of the waves crashing against the shore were calling to me and I knew it wouldn't
shut up until I went back.

"Earth to Keagan.... Keagan?" I snapped from my thoughts and looked at the boy beside me.
"Hey you, welcome back! Where'd you go?"

"Back to the beach." I sighed. "I really want to go again."

Jamison sat up a bit straighter and smiled. "Do you really? You actually liked it that much?"

"Well... Yeah! I've never actually been to the beach before, and it's so serene..." I scratched
the back of my neck awkwardly as Jamison's face continued to light up.

"We can go back there whenever you want! And I know it's cold out right now, but we
could even get our feet wet this time... You know, if you want too..."

I sprung from the couch as quickly as I could and grabbed my coat from the hook it was
hanging from.

"C'mon Jamie! What are you waiting for?" I said as I went over to help him off of the couch.
"We're burning perfectly good daylight!"

Jamie smiled before rolling his eyes. "Fine but you're driving this time!"

------------------------------

I could hardly sit still once the beach was within eye sight. I just couldn't wait to smell the
salty air or feel the cold brisk winter wind wash over me as I hold Jamison close to me to
keep his thin body warm.

But before we could even reach the trail to Jamie's secret beach, I saw two figures running
towards us and instantly my good mood vanished.

I could feel the tension growing between Jamison and I as Russ and Livvie reached us; both
of them now completely out of breath.

"Hey! I was just about to call you to see if you guys wanted to join us! There's a huge
bonfire happening tonight on the other side of the pier!" Livvie cheered before pointing in
the direction of where I assumed I was supposed to look. Cause really, why would she show
Jamison? I'm sure he knew where the fucking pier was. I refused to look though, clearly we
came here for other purposes, and their intrusive invitation just pissed me all kinds of off.

"Oh uh... I don't know." Jamison finally spoke, breaking the now uncomfortable silence that
fell between all of us.

"Oh come on Jay, everyone will be there." Livvie whined.

"I'm pretty sure he just said no." I deadpanned, not wanting to discuss this any further.

"I don't think he did, I also don't think he needs someone speaking for him." My attention
turned to Russ as the snarky sentence came out of his mouth.

"Oh really? You want to defend Jamison now?" I scoffed before shoving his shoulder, which
for some reason looked like it scared the piss out of Russ. "Because for a while there I was
pretty sure you-"

"Hey hey!" Jamison shouted as he got between the two of us. "You guys should go. I'll call
you later Liv."

I watched as Livvie grabbed Russ's arm and shook the mortified look off of his face as she
drug him away.

"What the fuck were you thinking!" Jamison hissed as he shoved me lightly himself. "Livvie
doesn't know about Russ and I!"

"So?"

"So?! Really that's all you have to say is so?! Keagan, what the hell just came over you?"

"I don't like that asshole." I said simply, which clearly wasn't good enough for Jamison.

"He's still my friend Keagan." He sighed. "You're gonna have to get used to that."

"I don't have to get used to jack shit Jamison." I snapped. "I don't fucking like him, and I'm
not going to play nice with a dickwad that hurt you. But if that's the company you like to
keep then go be with your fucking friends. I'll just sit on the sidelines like I've done this
entire vacation."

I tossed Jamie the keys to his car before zipping up my jacket and walking off.

I half expected him to come after me, but instead he just called my name over and over
until I just couldn't hear him any more. Which honestly just seemed like a waste to me,
because I'm pretty sure if he would have just tried to physically stop me, I might have
caved. But we'll never know now.

I got a little lost on my way back to his place, but when I finally found it I put on my game
face and walked in as if nothing happened.

Jamison's mother greeted me excitedly but looked around me for her son, so I knew a slew
of questions were about to be thrown my way.

"Everything okay?" She asked and I could hear that worried motherly tone oozing from
each word.

"Yeah, everything's good. How's everything here?"

"It's fine... Where's Jamison?"

"Oh, he's at the beach with his friends. I felt kind of out of place so I just left. He needs to
spend-"

"No, he needs to not ditch the one person I've seen him actually smile around." She
interrupted. "How disrespectful of him. I'm sorry he did that to you Keagan."

"It's fine, really.."

"And he made you walk? Oh he is getting an earful from me when he gets home."

"No no, really Mrs. Price... It's okay. I just, I dislike that Russ kid, so I left to spare everyone
the uncomfortableness of my presence."

"Still, Jamison should know better than to let you just walk." She quipped. "Go put your coat
back on."

"W-why? I really don't think getting him is all that necessary..."

"Calm down." She laughed. "I'm taking you out. You don't deserve to have to sit alone, and
be bored on your vacation." She patted my arm before turning to the stairs. "Corrine, me,
you and Keagan are going to the movies. Come on!"

I heard Jamison's sisters feet scamper around upstairs, but she came down quickly with a
huge grin on her face. I could see the brief moment of confusion that washed over her face
as she looked around -probably for her brother- but it was soon replaced with that ever so
familiar teenage disinterest.

-------------------------------------

I fell asleep halfway through the movie, which for some reason Jamison's sister and his
mom found hilarious.

But could they really blame me? I'm a guy. Gay or not, romantic sappy movies just really
held no merit to me. Maybe if it were a comedy as well? But no, this was just some tissue
box damsel in distress bull shit.

Would I ever tell these two ladies that? Hell no. But sleeping was the best thing I could do
that didn't actually involve killing myself. So I really feel as if I should win some type of
reward for that.

During the ride home I was surprised that Corrine actually spoke with me. Usually she just
gawked occasionally and furiously texted away on that phone that really just seemed to be
an extension of her hand.

"Oh... Looks like someone actually decided to come home..." Jamison's mother said once
Jamison's car and their house came into view.

"It's fine Mrs. Price. I'll handle this." I chuckled, actually having no intentions of talking to
Jamison. But for the time being, she seemed to have bought it. She just nodded her head in
response and pulled into her spot.

I made sure to let the ladies go into the house first, seeing as that's generally the
gentlemanly thing to do, but really it was way more of a self preserving attempt than
anything.

But there was no noise coming from anywhere in the house... Maybe Jamison just went to
bed?

But before I could escape into my room, I quickly hugged Mrs. Price and thanked her for the
"wonderful evening." She laughed again, knowing quite clearly that I was lying and sent me
on my way.

I peeked around the hallway first before I actually went all the way up the stairs, and I
debated for a good minute on whether or not I should go to the bathroom before I actually
go to bed, but I figured that was way too much of a risk.

So I just went inside my room as quickly as I could, but stopped dead in my tracks as my
eyes landed on the sleeping figure slumped over on my bed.
It was kind of cute... But I couldn't just leave him in here like that in that ridiculously
uncomfortable position...

So instead I sighed and bottled up all my pride before picking up Jamison and carrying him
to his own room.

I was half tempted to just toss him onto his bed, but I decided against it and just laid his
unconscious body down carefully before covering him up with the throw blanket at the end
of his bed.

"Keagan." He grumbled and clutched my hand. "We need to talk."

I smiled at how hard he was trying to fight sleep, but I just shooshed him.

"Yeah, but it can wait until tomorrow."

"Don't leave again, okay?" He yawned.

This time I didn't have to respond. He was out before I could even process what he said,
and I still don't know what he meant...

Don't leave him like I did earlier? Don't go to the movies with his mom? Don't leave his
room? I don't know.

But I left and went back to the guest room anyways.

Maybe then he would catch the hint that I was really done with this Russ bullshit.

He wasn't going to pick a side, so I guess now it was my job to do that for him.
 WHAT NOW?

Jamison
I woke up with a headache for no reason. I didn't even drink the night before, I was just so
tired and drained that it just caught up to me. And then there was the whole Keagan thing...
which I felt terrible about. He just walked away from me and kept on walking. Running
after him was pointless- Keagan was one of the most stubborn people in the world, I knew
that. I didn't think that he would just leave like that.
And also, I had no idea that he disliked Russ as much as he actually did.
I mean, from his standpoint Russ looked like a total asshole with no redemption. But
Keagan didn't know the kind of person that Russ was like I did. I used to be so close to Russ,
we hung out every day pretty much. I could forgive him for what he did, but Keagan
couldn't; and that was understandable. I just wanted us all to be friends but I was slowly
realizing that it wasn't going to happen.
Somehow I managed to get up from my bed and make it to my feet without crawling back
into my bed like a lazy bum.
I rubbed my temples and started to walk out of my room and towards the guest room.
Just as I was about to knock, Keagan came out of the room and accidentally hit me with the
door.
"Oh shit- sorry Jamie I didn't know you were standing there, are you ok?" He asked in a
slight panic.
I was fine, the door didn't hit me hard, it just surprised me. It took my mind off of the pain
in my head so that was a plus.
A small part of me wanted to pretend like he injured me so he'd feel bad... but my morals
got to me and I decided to be honest.
"No I'm fine, really," I said and fixed my glasses. "Where were you off to in such a hurry
anyway?"
Keagan held the back of his neck and shrugged his shoulders.
"I was going to go out for a run/jog whatever you want to call it. Before it rained."
It did rain a lot here. I was surprised that it didn't rain more while we were here actually.
"Oh ok. Well you better go now before you miss your chance."
I tried not to stare at Keagan's eyes the way that I usually did. I knew he was still mad at me
and upset about Russ, so I didn't want to play the flirting game with him. His eyes were so
enchanting though. Today they were almost jade green. Like the darkest green eyes I have
ever seen.
Keagan looked behind him, and took his hands away from his neck.
"Pretty sure I just saw lightening."
I was glad that we were having a storm.
We needed to talk, and I had a feeling it was just going to get pushed back further if it was
being pushed back in the first place.
"At least you didn't leave yet. That would suck if you were a mile away when the
rain/lightening started," I said trying to lighten the mood a little.
I got him to half smile, so I tried my luck. "But um. Actually- could I maybe come in your
room for a minute? We still need to have that talk."
He didn't say yes or no, he just moved out of the doorway so I could enter.
I had a feeling this wouldn't go well, but I was hoping that by some chance that it would.
Keagan meant a lot to me; my relationship with him was important, and I wanted to make
sure that we were ok.
I took it upon myself to sit on Keagan's unmade bed.
He wasn't going to speak first so it was my job to do so. I just didn't really know what to say
exactly. There have been so many times when I was in this position, the 'I have so much on
my mind but have no idea where to start' position. I could write papers on any topic and
have no problem coming up with a thesis statement, intro, body, and conclusion... but when
it came down to interpersonal communication I guess I just kind of sucked.
I figured that by just opening my mouth something useful would come out.
"Look, I know you don't care for Russ. You have every reason to not like him and I'm at
fault for that. But he's really trying to turn over a new leaf and accept himself. And I know it
sounds like an excuse to forgive him on my part but it's really not. I've known him for a
long time. I don't want there to be tension between all of us."
Keagan folded his arms and remained standing.
"You're right I don't care for him. He's a dick. He treated you like garbage and kicked you
out of his life after he messed around with you for months. It's fucked up, Jamie. What he
did is way worse than anything I've ever done to anyone, and that's saying a lot. I can't
believe that you're willing to see past the bullshit. He's just going to end up hurting you
again. He's already coming in between us."
Us.
Us?
Did Keagan just imply that there was/is/could be an us?
"What do you mean Keagan?"
His eyes lit up like he just realized what he said.
"You know what I mean, Jamie. Like- he's getting in the way. You couldn't chose me or him,
so I chose for you-"
"That's not fair," I said as I stood up. "That's so not fair and you know it. You never gave
him a chance. And I get that you don't want to. He might not either. But you're both part of
my life and I don't want to lose either of you."
And for two seconds I grew a huge pair of balls. I continued, "As much as you try to hide it I
know that you care about me. In a different way than you'd like to think you do. And I care
about you too. I have no clue what we are, but it's something. Something more than
friendship. I bet that scares the hell out of you but it's the truth. Look at where we are now.
Look how far we've come. You fucking kissed me like you meant it, Keagan. Tell me when is
the last time you ever felt that way about someone?"
And he just stared at me.
It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach.
I wasn't sure if I said way too much. I wasn't sure if Keagan was going to abandon ship
again. I wasn't sure if he was ever going to say anything. But what I was sure of, was that
the silence was absolutely killing me.
"Never, ok? Is that what you want to hear? That I've never felt like this before? That I'm
fucking confused about what the hell is going on? Because yea, I kissed you. And you kissed
me. And we have something going on. We do. That's why I don't like this guy coming
around and acting like he still owns you. Nobody does. You are no ones property and he
comes to your safe haven and has the audacity to act like you're his and I hate that. You're
too fucking good for that shit Jamie. I don't want to stick around just to watch you crash
and burn again. So what happens now is up to you."
Pretty sure my heart has dropped completely out of my body at this point.
My hands were sweaty. I was sweaty.
Did he just say all of that, or am I still asleep? Because I feel pretty damn awake but I also
don't think he would just spill all of his guts out like that.
Did I push him to his breaking point? I must have.
"Is that what this is about?" I asked pathetically. "This isn't about your manhood, this isn't
about you hating Russ because he got to me first. This is about you caring about me and
being worried that I'll end up choosing him over you, isn't it?"
He looked just as taken aback as I had just before.
My heart started to beat so fast and loud I was so sure I could hear it. I wished that this
didn't have to be so complicated, but then again everything in life worth living for was
ultimately complicated.
"Fuck Jamison if only I knew the answer to that myself. I- I've already said too much. Too
much that I can't take back," he said with a look of remorse on his face. "I'm sorry Jamie. I
need to clear my head, I don't care if it's raining I just need some space right now."
Before I could collect a thought to speak out loud, he jogged his way out of the guest room,
down the stairs, and out of the door into the pouring rain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't stop looking at the clock. Keagan was still out 'clearing his head' 36 minutes and
counting. I was starting to think he got struck by lightening, hit by a car, or lost.
I didn't want him to be any of those. I wanted him to be here with me.
He was a runner. He let me know that.
He runs when things get hard; but that didn't change how I felt about him. From what I
understood he never had a significant other. He doesn't know how to talk and speak his
feelings. And that's ok. He'll learn, and I'll learn too. Things with Russ went horribly, it
didn't work. He and I didn't work, but it didn't mean that Keagan and I wouldn't work.
As long as Keagan cared about me and tried to make things work, I was willing to do
whatever it took to keep him in my life.
Keagan meant more to me than Russ did. He was right about him, he did treat me badly and
toss me aside when it was convenient for him. I wasn't going to do the same to him, but I
did need to draw the line. I needed to make sure that Russ knew to back off and treat
Keagan with respect. If that pissed him off then too bad. Keagan was more important.
I sat up from my bed and made a wise decision to finally go downstairs and eat something.
My stomach was too busy being in knots to be hungry, but if I didn't eat soon I would
probably pass out because my body had a habit of doing that.
Nothing in the fridge looked appealing to me, but I took out some left over pizza and put it
in the toaster oven with the hopes that maybe the smell of it cooking would trigger some
hunger.
And just as I turned around to grab a glass for water, I saw Keagan standing in front of me
soaking wet.
I didn't care that he was making a mess of the floor. I only cared that he was safe, and came
back to me.
His half smile returned as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a peach, purple and
white colored shell.
"I found this at the beach. The rain and wind must have washed up some shells. I had to
take one and give it to you."
I looked down at it and smiled.
"It's beautiful, thank you," I said as I held it tighter in my hand. "You're dripping wet all
over. You must be freezing."
He shrugged and looked at my pizza cooking in the toaster oven.
I squinted my eyes at him.
"It's mine. Go upstairs and take a hot shower. I'll throw another slice in for when you come
out."
I could tell that he was glad that I read his mind.
I wasn't sure what this all meant for us, but I wasn't worrying about it. All that mattered
was that for right now, there was an us.
Author memo: hey! Guess who's back! (10/20/19) did you miss me?
 US?

Keagan
Our trip was drawing close to an end, and honestly I was kind of ready to go back home.
I missed a lot of New Years parties back home because of this trip, and though the thought
of missing a party bothered me... I still kind of had a nice time here.
Jamison's parents didn't really drink so instead of alcohol they all had glasses of sparkling
cider instead. Which seriously made me feel like a child, but I dealt with it.
His parents ended up throwing in the towel around ten anyways, so at least Jamison and I
got in few traditional New Years midnight kisses. That was definitely a plus.
But today his dad was back at work and his mom had decided that she was going to take his
sister out for a girls day, so it was just Jamison and I together for a majority of the day... You
know, if he'd wake up.
I flipped aimlessly through the channels and finally settled on some familiar 90's sitcom. It
didn't do much for holding my attention though, all I could think about was how much I
loved this house.
The living room was warm, the kitchen always smelled great, and the rooms were all
perfect sized.
I know I just said I was ready to go, but I was also going to miss this... Well the atmosphere,
and the company too I guess, but primarily the atmosphere.
I wanted something like this to call my own; a home, a big plushy couch, a warm bed with
someone in it.
"Hey..." I looked up to see a sleepy Jamison before me, he had one hand rubbing his eye and
the other one stretching up into the air.
"Hey Sleeping Beauty." I chuckled as Jamie crawled into my lap. "How'd you sleep?"
"Not well." He yawned as he nuzzled his face against my neck. "Would have been better if
you'd actually sleep in there with me."
I laughed and shook my head. "Just a few more days until I can."
"Ugh." He groaned before stretching again. "So where is everyone else?"
"Your dad's at work and your moms out with your sister."
"So... We're alone?" He asked, suddenly being wide awake.
"Yeah. Unless you have some other relative here I didn't know about."
He smirked happily before turning around in my lap so that he was straddling me. "Nope,
no other relatives."
I couldn't help but to cock my eyebrow at how... Weird he was being.
"So what's your point with all this?" I asked, still cocking my brow.
"This..." He cupped my face and basically just took charge of my mouth. No warning, no
build up into a make out, just straight, hot, and to the fucking point. There was no question
in my mind of what Jamison wanted from this.
Well of course there wasn't, we've only been dancing around this topic for months... Now
finally it was here.
I tried to waste as little time as possible. I even considered staying on the couch, but I
couldn't bring myself to do that in Jamison's house.
I think the toughest thing was climbing those fucking stairs though, because even though
Jamison was lighter than a feather, he wasn't necessarily transparent.
When we finally got to his room, I backed my way up to his bed and sat down with him still
in my lap. It took him all of fifteen seconds to push me over and take control over me again.
His hips grinding into mine, my hands gripping onto his surprisingly plump ass, and his
fingers knotted into my hair.
"Fuck..." I gasped as Jamison's lips trailed down my neck.
"Yeah, exactly." He giggled as he nipped the tender skin right under my jaw.
I tried so hard not to care that I just heard the door open from downstairs, and I really tried
not to pay attention to the footsteps coming up the stairs, but as soon as I heard his
mothers voice I practically threw Jamison off of me.
"What the fuck?!" He hissed, but shh'd him right before his mother walked in.
"Look who's finally awake!" She cheered. "Did you get tired of waiting Keagan?"
"Yeah." I laughed awkwardly. "There are only so many episodes of Full House you can
watch before you want to blow your brains out."
She chuckled and rolled her eyes. "There's lunch downstairs for you boys. Our girls day out
got rained out again. But we figured we could bring you boys back a little something to eat."
We both smiled and thanked her before she left and then both stared at with a "holy shit,
that was close" look for god knows how long.
"So... Fucking... Close." Jamison groaned, throwing himself down into his pillows.
"Just a few more days till we're back at school." I chuckled. "Then nothing will interrupt us."
"So... You really want to keep us going when we're back at school?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... Us! You, me, plural but kind of as a singular unit."
"Oh... You and me together?"
"Yeah." He all but whispered. "What's gonna happen with that? Cause I'm not really looking
for another friends with benefits situation."
"I don't know what's gonna happen..." I said, being completely honest. "I don't even know
what we are."
"Great." Jamison sighed and covered his face. "Just fucking gre-"
"Now don't you fucking start with that." I interrupted. "Don't turn into a bitch just because I
didn't profess some undying love to you."
Jamison sat up a bit with way more emotion in his eyes than I had expected.
"What I'm trying to say is that we're young... What we have going for us is great. Why ruin it
with a label? I'll call you mine and you can call me yours if people ask. But calm the fuck
down for a second princess." I laughed at the end of that diatribe I just spit out, which
earned me a well deserved punch to my arm.
"So that's just it? That's what our relationship is? Just a weird... Cluster fuck of just winging
it?"
"Yeah I guess."
"So you're free to screw around and-"
I covered his lips with my finger and smiled. "Do you really think I would just do that to
you? Do you really think I have absolutely no loyalties to anything other than my dick?"
"Well... No, I just-"
"Have a notion in your head that everything should be black and white. I get it, but just
trust me... You'll find some doctor who's gonna win your heart and I'll just become some
nostalgic thought in the back of your mind one day. You'll thank me for this label-less idea
soon enough."
"Do you really think that's gonna happen?" He asked, almost sounding completely insulted.
"No, I know that's gonna happen. It always does, I'm everyone's experiment or dirty
secret."
"Now it all makes sense." Jamison laughed in that condescending way I used to hate... "You
don't use labels to protect yourself. Because if it doesn't have a label, then it never really
happened. I'm going to prove you wrong though Keagan Bradley. Just you wait and see."
"Mm, you do that Jamison Price." I smirked before kissing him chastely. "And when you do,
I'll wear a dress and you can do my makeup."
"Deal." He said as he sternly took my hand in his own and shook it.
And I couldn't help but to laugh and kiss him again.
I knew I was already in too deep, but why the fuck not just keep going with this?
I was kind of happy now at least, so what really could I lose from this that alcohol and
meaningless sex couldn't just replace?
 BACK AGAIN

Jamison
I wasn't ready to go back to school just yet. It still felt like Christmas time even though the
holiday was way over with. A part of me was excited to go back because I'd finally be able
to sleep with Keagan in one of our beds without having to feel like we were breaking any
sort of rules.
I was going to miss my family and the lack of school work to do of course, but it was time to
go back.
Watching Keagan trying to pack a bag was probably one of the most hilarious things in the
world. He didn't fold one thing, so nothing fit in the bag, so he proceeded to smush
everything down so he could attempt fitting more things inside. He also put the smallest
things in first which made no sense; but I kept my mouth shut because god forbid I told him
how to pack... he'd think I was trying to run his life.
My parents drove us to the airport since I still had my car at school. They walked us as far
as they could before we had to say goodbye.
Keagan hugged my mom and sister, and shook my dads' hand. My mom looked sad to see
us go, sadder than she had when I left initially. I was hoping that she thought of Keagan like
a part of the family, because he was a huge part of my life at this point. I knew she cared
about him, and I knew she was just as sad to send him off as she was to send me off again.
The airport was crowded, there were a lot of college kids going back to school around this
time, and a lot of people were traveling during the winter. I looked around and saw families
saying goodbye to their loved ones just like I was. My mind wandered off for a moment; I
wondered where everyone was going. School? Back home? Off to boot camp? Who knew.
Everyone was going somewhere. It was an emotional day it seemed.
"So you're not going to make fun of me for still being nervous to fly?" Keagan asked
hopefully.
I smirked my way out of my thoughts and nodded.
"Nervous? I think you mean terrified. As soon as the plane takes off you're going to grip the
armrest like your life depends on it. But no, I promise I won't say anything. Just because
you're cute."
Keagan squinted his eyes at me and cut me to go ahead onto the plane. I laughed, but he
was still in 'fake-mad' mode and just sat down at his seat.
I did think it was cute how Keagan was scared about flying. He wasn't scared of anything
except that really. I'm sure he had other fears but he wasn't ever going to blurt them out to
me. With time I was going to find out what else he was scared of.
Keagan did surprisingly well when we took off, much better than expected. He was
definitely trying his best to contain his fear in front of me, so I made it a point to put my
hand over his while he was pretending not to freak out.
I wasn't sure if he would try to shoo my hand away, but I did it anyway. And he let me.
Landing was much easier than taking off. Keagan was so happy to be back on the ground
and safe from death for the moment.
He turned his phone off of airplane mode and studied his iphone for a few seconds.
"Expecting a call?" I asked, trying not to sound nosy.
He shook his head, but still was messing around with his phone.
"No, I'm trying to look at the weather. It's still early. I was thinking maybe we could go for a
walk and grab dinner outside."
I smiled and bit my lip.
I was so glad that Keagan was still treating us like an... us. We talked about our status but
there was still a lot of doubt in my mind that he wouldn't want much to do with me when
we got back to school, so I was extremely happy that he was already thinking about
something sweet to do.
"Well let's unpack and get settled first and then see if the weather is still nice, how does
that sound?"
Keagan put his phone away and pushed his hair back with his dominant hand.
"I don't even want to unpack. I have no idea how I came back with double the amount of
things I brought. Maybe we should have brought an extra bag."
I opened up the door to the dorm building and hoisted my duffle bag onto my shoulder.
"You're the one that needed 7 bags. I did just fine with 2."
"Well it's not my fault I happen to have a pair of shoes to match every outfit."
I shook my head and followed Keagan into the elevator.
Of course he had to press every button like a child- but I didn't mind being "stuck" in there
with him for a few extra minutes.
When I was little I used to be terrified of elevators, but I grew out of that when I was like.. I
wanna say 11 or 12. I wasn't the bravest little kid, ok?
Keagan and I dropped our bags down and both of us had the same idea as we plopped right
down on my bed. The flight wasn't even long, but waking up early and sitting down for that
long made us tired.
Instinctively I snuggled closer to Keagan and put my arm around his waist.
I thought he was going to sit up and tell me to take my own advise and start unpacking, but
he laid there with me and even kissed the side of my head.
"Can I tell you something Jamie?"
I turned my head to try and make eye contact.
"Of course. You can tell me anything, you know that."
We never had this type of relationship before. We changed on vacation, somehow we
evolved into two different people almost. Keagan would never do this. He'd make fun of
people who did this sort of thing. I always thought that this... whatever this was, was
something that he didn't even want. I'm just really glad that I was wrong.
He took in a deep breath and sighed.
"I don't want to fuck up."
I stayed silent because I thought he was going to say more than that, but he didn't. That's all
he said.
"What?"
"This. I don't want to fuck this up. I'm a fuck up, Jamie. It's what I do. I hurt the people I care
about. I don't try to, it just happens. I never got close to anyone because I was terrified of
someone doing the same shit to me as I do to everyone. I put up walls not to keep everyone
out, but to keep myself in; to protect others. I never cared about myself which is why I
couldn't care about anyone else. But you came around and turned my world in a different
direction. So just know that even though I'm scared, I'm trying."
I sat up and put my hands on his chest.
"Hey," I said softly. "I know. I know you're trying. I do. You've come such a long way, and so
have I. You think I had this sort of thing with Russ? Because I didn't. This is new to me too.
And I want what you want. I don't want to fuck it up either. And we won't, because we do
care. You tried to fight it and I tried to deny it for too long. Now we're back. We're alone.
We don't have to sleep alone anymore, Keagan."
He grabbed my face and stared at me before he kissed me, hard.
I knew that he felt so brave for telling me all of that; he should feel that way. The old
Keagan would probably make me unpack for him and order dinner while he went to go
shower. But now, he'd never do anything like that. I was finally equal to him. Or something
close to it at least.
Keagan ran his hands up my sides and gripped my hip bones. I pulled him closer to me and
bit his lip.
He sat up and had me in his lap. His body was so warm, I could feel it through both of our
clothes.
Just as his hands found their way to my backside, we heard a knock at our door.
"It's the RA, just letting you know that there's a mandatory welcome back meeting in the
lounge at 9 PM tonight. Thank you."
I rested my forehead against Keagan's and sighed.
I wasn't mad or upset that our potential first time was ruined by our stupid RA. I knew that
whenever our first time happened, that it would be special, and not interrupted by anyone
or anything.
Soon I realized that I was more hungry than anything. And then I heard Keagan's stomach
growl, letting me know I wasn't alone in my hunger.
Keagan played with my hair as he bit his lip.
"So how about that walk to get dinner now?"
And to me, that sounded fucking perfect.
 TRUST

Keagan
It's been a whole week since we've been back and I still haven't gotten a chance to slice me
off a piece of that Jamison pie.
Each time we get anywhere near naked, something comes up and takes precedent over me
getting it in and this was actually starting to become a huge problem for me.
Sure, I think a little teasing here and there is fine, and in fact I usually like it; but come on. I
was seriously getting tired of taking showers so I could relieve myself.
Not tonight though. Tonight was our night. Jamison only had one evening class tonight
since it was Friday so he wouldn't be that tired, tomorrow neither of us had to do anything
so waking up early wasn't an issue, and I planned on pulling out all the stops so there was
no way something could interrupt us.
While Jamison was at class I picked up a few great smelling candles, some familiar
sounding wine, and managed to wash my bedding.
I had dinner ready and on standby just incase Jamison was hungry by chance too. Like I
said, nothing was going to interrupt us tonight.
Once everything was in order and perfect, I had about five minutes to spare so I freshened
myself up and positioned myself on my bed.
I knew I looked goofy, and I knew there was nothing really sensual about the way I was
laying, but there was enough pressure with the candles and the whine, I figured me being
weird would kind of lighten the mood enough to make this situation not so overwhelming
for my precious little Jamie.
As soon as I heard the door open, my stomach clenched and my lungs went straight in to
my throat. I seriously felt like a kid in a candy store right now, and I just couldn't wait to
dive in to all of my goodies.
"Keagan? Why is it so dark in here?" Jamie asked just before coming around the corner to
see all the arrangements I had made.
"Do I still need to explain? And it's not dark in here! I set up a mood!"
"Oh really?" He laughed as he set down his bag and sat down on the bed beside me. "What
kind of mood is that? Hmm?"
"A sexy one!" I exclaimed as I motioned around. "Wine, smelly candles, food, clean sheet,
c'mon Jamie! A mood, the mood, the only mood that matters!"
"Oh that mood." Jamie chuckled before maneuvering his way next to me and in to my arms.
"You sure did out do yourself this time."
"Did I?" I smirked before kissing his cheek. "Because I was thinking about hiring a string
quartet to tie all this ambiance I set up together."
"No no, this is way more than enough."
"Is it too much? I got dinner as well... Should I have started with that?" I asked, oddly having
my nerves get the better of me now.
"Calm down." He chuckled before grasping my shirt and pulling me on top of him.
"Well now that's kind of hard-" he hushed me with his lips, stopping me from probably
saying some stupid over sexualized quip about our current positions.
I could feel him smiling through the kiss as I moaned when he wrapped his thin, but strong,
legs around my waist in an attempt to pull me down closer to him.
The friction between us built to an ungodly high as we rocked against each other, his hips
moving perfectly in time with mine.
I tried my hardest to stay as graceful and as calm as I could with him, but this usually just
wasn't me. Never before had I really had to take my time with someone, I mean sure, the
actual sex lasted a while, but by the time my companions and I had reached whatever bed
or secluded location we needed, foreplay was no longer necessary.
But I think with a few sessions I could get used to this.
Jamison was just so... Elegant though. Almost like something you'd see on television. Every
angle for him was a perfect angle, he moaned so softly when I kissed his neck... And, he just
made me want to bring out more of him. I didn't even care about myself now, I just wanted
to please him. I wanted to be the one to erase every memory he had with Russ, and I
wanted to make sure that each one was replaced with a memory of me.
"Keagan... Keagan! Stop!" Jamison said in a complete panic which tore me back to reality,
and I all but threw myself off of him.
"What?! What's wrong?" I asked, now in a frenzy myself.
"I... I don't know... I just, don't you feel like, maybe this shouldn't happen?"
"No... What do you mean?"
"I just, I mean that maybe we're trying to force this. Clearly all the interruptions have been
happening for a reason..."
"So you're saying that you and I shouldn't be... You and I?"
"No, I'm just saying that I don't think that I'm ever going to be ready with this much
uncertainty between us..." He sighed, which ultimately caused me to groan.
"Are you really fretting this hard over a stupid label?"
"It's not a stupid label, it's a sense of security, it's-"
"Oh, so that's what this is really about." I interrupted, my voice raising ever so slightly.
"Your opinion of me is still so low, and I'm coming to realize that no matter what I do, it's
just never going to be good enough for you... Is it Jamison?"
"Keagan that's not at all what's going on here."
"Then why the fuck are you so hung up on whether or not we call ourselves boyfriends or
not?"
"Because!" He shouted as he covered his face in frustration. "Because I don't want to be
hurt like that again, I just can't be another persons friend with benefits Keagan."
"And there it is, there is your opinion of me." I laughed. "You can't trust me, and usually I
would agree with you on that, but for fucks sake Jamie... I've given you everything I have!
I've bared my soul to you, and you can't even give me the same courtesy with a little
fucking ounce of trust when I tell you that you're the only one I want?"
"Then why..." I watched as the tears welled up behind his eyes. "Why can't you just call me
your boyfriend?"
I paused and thought over his words and why I couldn't really justify bending this once for
him and taking the stupid label.
"Because... Maybe for once Jamie, maybe for just this one time you just shouldn't get what
you want. And maybe for once, I deserve a little bit better than this."
I immediately regretted the words that came out of my mouth, but it was too late to take
them back, so I watched as thousands of mixed emotions swirled over his delicate features
before he just couldn't look at me anymore.
"I think you should go..." He said, barely above a whisper.
"Yeah... I think you might be right... I'm sorry Jamie." I grabbed one of my pillows and a
hoodie before taking my keys and leaving.
As soon as I was a safe distance away I had to stop and catch my breath. I hadn't even been
running, but it feels like I just finished three marathons. It hurts, my chest... It just fucking
hurt.
And there was nothing I could do to fix it.
He'd be stupid to even think about trying to "get back" with me after what I said, and I'd be
just as stupid to try something out with someone who clearly doesn't trust me.
So instead of doing anything, I just made my way on to the couch in the student lounge and
made myself comfortable; because there was no telling when I'd be welcomed back into my
own room.
 FOR THE BEST

Jamison
I knew that Keagan and I had said some things that we probably didn't mean. He was being
unreasonable and I was being clingy- we were both in the wrong. And I half expected things
to go back to normal in a day or two. But I started to get nervous when it didn't.
Keagan and I had the type of relationship that was solid. Not much could be done to
separate us for good. I was aware that fixing what was wrong was going to take effort and
time, I was just also noticing that neither of us were taking a step forward.
There wasn't much interaction between the two of us for a few days. I mean, he came back
to our room but only to get the books he needed for his classes. He said hello to me and
goodbye to me and that was pretty much the only conversations that we had.
I could tell that he wanted to say more, I saw that in his face. But Keagan was being
stubborn like always and I wasn't going to feed into him this time.
And for some reason, the only place that I thought to turn was to Russ. I figured that he
would be completely biased and on my side and not have any new information to offer me;
but that's the main reason why I went to him.
"It sounds to me like he has issues Jamison. One minute you guys are fine and the next
minute he hates you when you did nothing wrong. I don't get what you see in him."
I shifted on my bed and looked at my door to make sure I didn't hear him coming. The last
thing I wanted was him knowing I was Skyping his enemy.
"I didn't come to you so you could bash him Russ. I need advice. I need to see it from a
different perspective."
Which was half true. It did make me feel good to hear that it was all his fault. But deep
down I knew that wasn't true at all.
"I only have one perspective. The one that says he's an asshole and you're making a huge
mistake by overthinking all of this. Yea, I've fucked up in the past and I know that I did
some really unforgivable things and he could easily be saying the same things about me,
but at least I came around and turned over a new leaf. He's stubborn as hell, he'll never
come to you first. He's waiting for you to go to him which is completely manipulative and
unfair."
I shook my head.
"You're wrong. Keagan isn't an asshole. He's a jerk, and kind of callus sometimes, but he's
not a bad guy. He got offended that I needed a label before getting hot and heavy with him,
that's not something that's unforgivable. In fact, it's very forgivable. I think we're both just
scared about what that means for us."
I could tell that Russ hated the idea of Keagan and I being intimate but he was just going to
have to get over it.
"Then I think I'm not the one you need to be talking to Jamison. As much as I dislike this
guy and feel as though he's 100% wrong for you, I have to accept that he's a big part of your
life. So hang up with me and go find him. Chances are, he's banging someone else as we
speak so, you better get to him before he makes a bigger mistake than he already has."
Shots fired.
Thanks a lot for putting the image of him being with someone else in my head.
Keagan's not the asshole, Russ is. But I already knew that.
"That's a little harsh. But I think that's the only advice I'm taking from you. It's stupid to
keep avoiding each other. I need to just talk to him. Thank you. For listening even though I
know you'd rather do anything else then listen to me rant about someone I really care
about. That's big of you."
"Yea yea. I'll always be here. Now go- before it's too late."
I half-smiled and hung up with Russ.
And just as I was about to grab my jacket and head out, Keagan came through the door.
"Keagan-"
All I could get out was his name.
I thought I would have more time to plan everything that I wanted to say... but now I'm
speechless at the worst possible time.
He acknowledged my presence and went to his side of the room. He started to take out
some clothes and I had an awful feeling that he found a new place to stay.
My heart sank to my stomach and all of the sudden I felt nauseous.
"W-Where are you going?" I asked like a sad little child.
I couldn't help it.
The thought of him leaving scared me.
This is a person I started out resenting. This is the person who I grew to care about. This is
the person who took care of me and looked out for me and made me feel things that I didn't
know I was capable of feeling. This was not the time to leave me. I really didn't want him to
leave.
"I can't stand this tension between us Jamie. I'm going to stay with one of my friends on the
first floor-"
I didn't let him finish.
"Wait! Please don't," I said desperately. "I don't want you to do that."
He furrowed his eyebrows and stopped doing what he was doing.
"Is everything ok? You look really upset?"
There is the caring Keagan I know. The guy who is always concerned about himself;
concerned about me.
"I am really upset. I can't stand that we're basically not speaking to each other. It's for a
good reason but it's also stupid. If that makes any sense. Keagan, we were both wrong. I
said some things and so did you. But it's fixable. I don't think you leaving is going to solve
anything. It's just going to make it worse. And I know you have every right to think that I
don't trust you, but you have to believe me when I say I do trust you. I'm just terrified about
what happened in the past. I just. I want to fix this. Please don't leave."
Keagan sighed.
"Jamie," he said as he walked closer to me. "I'm not abandoning you like Russ did. This is
only temporary. I think this might be good for us, it'll allow us to focus on other things. This
doesn't change how I feel about you. I still care about you, you know that. And if you need
me I'm right downstairs. I just... need some time. And you don't think you do, but I know
that you do too. Just please trust me; as you say you do. Don't be sad about this. It's only
going to be for a few days, maybe a week. Ok?"
I tried my best not to break down and cry like an infant, but it was hard.
I didn't want to be by myself, but more so, I didn't want to be without him.
But maybe he was right. Maybe this was the key to learning how to trust him more.
I didn't like it.
But I respected him enough to nod and let him quietly pack some of his things.
I tried not to stare at him while he collected his things; I opened my laptop back up and
pretended like I had work to do. I mean, I did have a lot of work to do, but I wasn't going to
do it until after he left.
I also tried not to think about how quiet it was going to be without him. He was always
talking to me or playing music, there was always a nice atmosphere in here, besides the
past few days that we were barely speaking.
Keagan swung his bag over his shoulder and put his phone in his back pocket.
I wondered if he was going to sleep in the same bed as whoever he was staying with. I
doubted he was going to sleep on anyone's floor. There was a rare chance that this person
didn't have a roommate and had an extra bed- that was what I was hoping.
But he wasn't going to explain the details to me so I was forced to use my imagination.
Keagan took me by surprise by coming over to my bed before he left.
"Please don't hate me for this," he said as he kissed the top of my forehead and left.
I could never hate him.
I could never resent him like I once did before I even knew him.
I could never judge him or accuse him of anything malicious.
All I could do was trust him and hope that he returned as soon as fucking possible.
 COUCH

Keagan
It's been a long time since I've been out on my ass. I mean I have friends and people who
would take me in in a heart beat here... But I can't trust myself not to make a stupid mistake
there.
Which just thinking that made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit than before. It was
like I was just constantly proving that Jamison was right about me throughout this... But I
was determined to prove him wrong.
The best thing about that though was that it wasn't just for him, but for myself too. I want
to be ready to finally rid myself of this image I created. I don't want people to fear me any
more, I don't want to be known as a whipped little bitch either.
I just want to be happy; and the happiest I've been is with Jamison at that fucking beach.
"Keagan, you remember the rules right?" Joyce asked in her thick Jamaican accent.
"I have to lock the door when I'm in here, no going into the filing room, and I have to be
super quiet." I recited, seeing as this wasn't necessarily my first time sleeping on the couch
in Joyce's office.
"Right baby." She said with a smile on her face. "What else?"
"Huh?"
"You and I agreed on one more thing. Don't tell me you already went and forgot it." She
laughed, causing me to involuntarily smile as well.
"I didn't forget." I sighed finally as she settled down again.
"Then say it." She placed her hand sternly on her hip and looked at me dead in the eye.
"Because I'm not putting my ass on the line again for nothing this time."
"I got the referral and I'm going to see a counselor starting tomorrow to fix myself." I said
as if I were a trained parrot.
"Hush yuh mouth. You're not broken baby, you just need a little guidance. Mrs. Walt will
help yuh."
I rolled my eyes but continued to smile and nod before setting my things down by the
couch. I didn't want to go, I hated everything about the thought of therapy.
I handled every issue in my life just fine. I don't wake up scared of my dad busting into my
room and beating me anymore, I'm not irrationally terrified every time I see a brown
leather belt, and when I see a mother holding her child I don't get as jealous as I used too.
But I guess that's probably all from alcohol damage... Because just thinking about them now
is starting to bring back all those old feelings.
"Now I've got to scoot on out of here boy. I've got myself a hot date tonight." I let out a small
laugh before taking "Big momma" in my arms for a tight squeeze.
"Have fun for me okay?" I rhetorically asked and she just smiled and nodded before leaving
me alone.
After I locked the door, I made my way back to the couch and got comfortable.
Tomorrow was going to be a long day, so I might as well get as much sleep in as I could
now.
------------------
I woke up with my alarm and contemplated just telling Joyce that I had received the help
from Mrs. Walt like I told her I would.
Patient doctor confidentiality was still a thing right? She couldn't legally tell her if I came or
not? But then it dawned on me that the two of them were probably friends and that
anything could be said over a few drinks.
So begrudgingly I got myself off the couch, made a mental note that I need to hit the gym for
a shower at some point, and then left once I scrubbed myself down with some of the wet
wipes Joyce had in her desk drawer.
The walk down to my car was a painfully long one. I was careful enough to plan my
appointment when I knew Jamison was already in class, but there was always that off
chance that he would need something from the room and we'd run into each other.
As I started my car, I tried again to justify why I didn't need to go, but I'll be damned if
Jamison's name didn't keep screaming in the back of my mind.
He was who I was going for. I needed to be better for him, because he seemed like he could
be that one thing I needed to fill this void in me. That void that I -for years- tried to replace
with alcohol and sex.
In less then a year he's already broken through my walls, tore me down, and tried to build
me back up... But I was just too difficult.
So I had to go find help... For him. This is all for him.
Maybe through this I could one day say I went for myself, but right now we all know if that
were the case I wouldn't go. So he will just have to do.
The walls in this woman's office were covered in diplomas and pictures of what I assumed
were her and her husband. It almost seemed like a passive slap in the face... Who wants to
see how happy someone else is while they're complaining about their problems?
The thought of that was almost enough to make me just get up and leave, but before I could
this small older woman walked in... And it was quite evident that it wasn't her in all of those
pictures.
"Hello, Keagan. I'm Margret." She extended her hand and I took it in my own for a brief
shake before she sat down. "So, Keagan... Let's start with the basics, why do you believe
you're here in my office today?"
"I, wow..." I paused. "I came here knowing the answer, but now that you ask it I'm not sure...
Something's wrong with me, I know that much, and I just want to be fixed."
She nodded understandingly before flipping through the little file the office clerk began
making for me with all my medical history and other personal information.
"Well I found a place we can start then." She said as she looked up at me over her glasses.
"Why do you go by Keagan? That's your middle name correct?"
"How... I didn't include that on anything I filled out." I stuttered out.
"Honey we have your whole medical file, we do our research." She smiled sincerely. "Is this
a question you'd like to discuss later?"
"No... It's fine."
"So you changed your name then?"
"Yeah I did it back when I was seventeen. I've always gone by Keagan though, I just got rid
of my first name and changed my last name to my guardians."
"Why did you get rid of your first name?" I sat back in my chair and exhaled deeply.
"It was my Dads first name..." I said and I could feel my palms starting to sweat and my
heart starting to race in my chest.
"Hmm..." She said as she scribbled something down on her yellow notepad. "We'll touch
more on that next time, I don't want to overwhelm you today... Because, well, I'd actually
like for you to come back!" She chuckled and put her pen down. "So tell me about school
then, how is that this term?"
---------------------
I didn't leave her office in tears so I guess that was a plus, but I definitely didn't leave
feeling like myself. Now I just feel empty. Like I had just had everything sacred taken from
me... And the most we really covered was my name.
I was beyond scared to go back there, but it was also kind of an exhilarating thought. She
saw that I clearly had some deep rooted issues and wanted to see me twice a week so we
could talk about them.
As of right now she didn't see any reason to start me on any sort of medication but not to
rule out that thought completely.
I debated on whether or not to treat myself with some beer after that session or if I should
see if someone was having a party, but I couldn't really bring myself to do either of those.
I still just wanted to be with Jamison, to have another night in filled with kissing and
Chinese food.
I don't even know when the last time I actually ate something was. But that was a worry for
tomorrow.
Right now I just want to sleep my emotions away and not think about that certain someone
for at least a few hours.
 POURING RAIN

Jamison
Getting by without Keagan kind of sucked, to say the least. I mean, he said it himself that it
was for the best. At the time I didn't agree, but I got over that headstrong attitude that I had
going on. Our heads weren't in the same place and our thought processing wasn't in sync.
But deep down I knew that the only thing that mattered was eventually getting back to
normal; whatever 'normal' was going to be for us.
I knew that he was going to come back, I just wasn't sure when. The not knowing part killed
me. We didn't even have any classes together so I literally do not see him or talk to him at
all.
Part of me was hoping that I'd get a text or something. An 'accidental' run in or just
anything to let me know that he still exists. I knew he didn't do anything stupid like leave or
quit school, that wasn't something he would do. My mind was just racing about all these
different scenarios of what he was really up to, and none of them were ones that I was
particular fond of.
Like the 'Keagan in lonely and depressed' scenario in which he's doing nothing but eating
chips in his bed and sleeping in the crumbs. Or the 'Keagan is now an alcoholic' scenario in
which he's drowning himself in beers and bottles of vodka not knowing what day it is. Or
maybe the 'Keagan is failing everything' scenario in which Keagan isn't going to class, and if
he is he's not paying any attention.
Did I really think any of those things were actually happening? No, not really. But my sense
of reality was off. Every one of those scenarios seemed believable.
I didn't want to text him though. I figured he would contact me if he needed me or wanted
to talk. Then I even tricked myself into thinking that maybe he lost his phone and that's
why I haven't heard from him in days, but he knows my schedule, he knows where I am;
he'd come if he wanted to.
Maybe I was starting to freak out a little bit. I needed to calm down, in a healthy way.
Perhaps a bath or some tea. Actually scratch the bath idea... I was back at school so those
weren't a thing, I'm guessing for health reasons. But I would be so down for a bath at
college. Or maybe it's just me.
I finally got off my bed and went down the hall to use the microwave to make my tea. My
mom always said that tea helped alleviate stress and whatnot. She'd be proud.
Of course I burned my mouth on the first sip and was miserable for the next two/three
hours or however long it look for me to get the taste back on my tongue. I hoped that it
wasn't just a preview of what was to come in the next few days. I needed some good news
to come my way or I was about to go crazy.
Livvie was super busy with studying for the SAT, I didn't want to bother her. Russ was out
of the question because our last conversation involved him saying that Keagan was a slut
basically. The only people I knew on campus were Keagan's friends, and I was pretty sure
that they still don't even know my name. But that's besides the point.
I figured that I could go to the library and get some of my pre-calculus work done. My
professor held study hours around this time and I did have a couple questions about the
homework.
To add to my mishaps, it was pouring rain. So my trip to the library consisted of me
avoiding huge puddles by jumping around them and holding my books close to my chest
like a nerd so that the pages didn't get wet, because I was stupid and left my backpack in
the room and was too lazy to go back to get it.
"Hi Professor Goodsmen, you're still holding study hour here right?"
My professor nodded and motioned for me to have a seat.
I asked my questions and he was great with assisting me with the complicated problems.
Math wasn't my best subject, but it wasn't my worst. History was what killed me. Any other
subject I excelled at, but history not so much.
"I think you're on the right track Jamison. Do you have any more questions for me?"
I looked at my phone to a. check the time and b. to see if Keagan texted me.
"No I don't think so. Thank you so much."
"You're welcome. I'll see you in class tomorrow."
I stayed at the library for a little longer, hoping that the rain would let up. While I was
sitting there doing nothing I saw this kid that was in one of my classes. He looked really
frustrated. I wasn't sure if I should have approached him, but since I had nothing better to
do and was already having a crappy day, I figured why not?
I cleared my throat like an idiot to get his attention. I had no idea what his name was so I
automatically decided that this was a bad idea. It was too late now. I had to roll with it. God
my life is a joke.
"Oh hey. I recognize you, you're in my biology class. Do you want to sit?"
Oh whoa.
Wasn't expecting him to be as welcoming as he just was.
Didn't know nice people were around anymore. Thought they just sort of got wiped out or
something.
I smiled and took the seat across from him.
"Thank you," I said and diverted my eyes to his notebook. "I'm sorry for being creepy I just
noticed you, and saw you looked disheveled I was just going to see if you needed help."
He smiled back at me and put his pencil down.
"It's not creepy. Well maybe a little. But it's fine. I actually do need help, lots of help. I'm a
junior taking a 100 level math class- it's pathetic because I still don't get any of it. Are you
good at algebra?"
He was also taking a 200 level biology class but I didn't want to hurt his ego. He probably
didn't notice that it wasn't a 300 level course. It's hard to keep up sometimes.
"I got in A in high school, so hopefully that's worth something. What are you stuck on?"
"This right here," he said as he turned his book to me.
"Oh factoring? Don't worry, I had a hard time with this too but there's an easy way to do
this."
It was fascinating to see him so concentrated on what I was showing him. He was following
my every step and nodding his head in agreement, and he even got a problem right after I
showed him my way of doing it. It was an awesome feeling.
Maybe I'd pick up tutoring as a side job.
"Sometimes professors move too quickly with the material and I get lost. Math is like,
impossible for me to follow," he said shaking his head. "Wait sorry, I don't think I got your
name. I feel like it's something unique because usually I'm good with names."
"Yea it's a weird one, it's Jamison," I said with a slight laugh.
He held out his hand for a shake, which I took.
"Will," he said with another smile. "Hey thank you for helping me. I would have been sitting
here for hours. I mean, I have before."
"That's crazy. Does your professor hold study hours?"
He shook his head.
"He's an adjunct professor and is only here to teach two classes. It sucks."
"That does suck. Well there's a math center here, if you'd want to try that. I'm not sure how
good the tutors are though."
"Well... what about I take down your number and shoot you a text if I need help? Unless
you're busy- I totally get that I'm busy too and-"
I laughed and ripped out a piece of paper from my notebook. I used his pencil to write
down my name and number, just in case he forgets; knowing me, I'd forget a name I just
learned.
"No I'm not that busy. I'd be happy to help."
I was confused.
Because it seemed like Will was... flirting with me almost. But, no. He couldn't be. He was so
straight looking. But on the other hand, so was Keagan, unless you really looked at him
good. But I doubted he was actually flirting. He was just being nice.
He took out his phone and put my number in.
And then I felt so stupid because that's probably what he meant but I took the old school
route and wrote it down. Well if he was flirting, he's most likely rethinking his decision.
"I'll text you now so you have mine. I gotta run though, I have track practice and I'm
actually a few minutes late. Thanks again Jamison."
He packed up all his stuff and bolted out of the room.
I was under the assumption that track practice was going to be indoors considering it was
still pouring out. And if not the poor thing was rushing for nothing.
And then I got the text from him.
'It's Will ;)'
 COMFORT

Keagan
I took the tissue from Dr. Margret and clenched it tightly in my hand as she scribbled down
notes on the emotional baggage I just threw at her.
"So Keagan, tell me about your mom. Where was she during all of this?"
I took a deep breath and sat back. "She was there... This all didn't start happening until I
was six and could process that Dad was actually hurting Mom. So I tried to stop it, and he
said that if I could stand up to him like a man, then I could take a hit like a man... Then my
mom just sat there."
Margret looked at me as if I had just told her that her child died, as if her heart was actually
breaking for me... As if this was so outlandish for a mother to do. But that was my life.
"So she just sat there... Did she help or try to stop it at all?"
"Not that I can remember." I sighed again. "She's never even apologized, you know? Like
I've seen the movies where the mothers cradle their kids and weep about how sorry they
are... I always thought that maybe one day she would have done that, but she never did. She
always just scolded me for setting my father off."
"Okay, wow." Dr. Margret nodded as if she understood and adjusted her blouse. "You seem
okay with talking about all of this, I mean, I know we've had some hiccups, but I don't think
your family or the abuse you endured is what you came here to work though; so out of our
two weeks worth of sessions, have you figured out or have even the slightest idea why you
came to me?"
I stared at the woman in front of me blankly. She and I have had meetings together every
other day and nothing I've talked about has made a difference. Sure the thought of my
family upsets me, but it doesn't interrupt my life like it does with some people. And sure,
I'm terrified of ending up like my dad, but that's all up to me... So why the fuck am I here?
"I think..." I started as I sat up a bit straighter. "I think that I just want to know that there is
nothing wrong with me. I want to make sure that I can give the boy that may or may not
have taken my heart all that I've got and know that I'm not too broken to love him."
"When you came in here the first day, you said you needed to be fixed... Why?"
"I don't know, I've always just been told that there was something wrong with me. No one
ever really gave me a chance to show them that I could love them so I just gave up... Now
this boy wants me to prove myself and, well, I don't even think I know how to now... I just
don't want to disappoint him."
"Keagan, relationships are all about taking a risk, the good ones aren't easy and require
work. I don't see anything about you that would hinder you loving someone."
"Then why am I so scared calling him my boyfriend?"
"I don't know," she said with a small smile. "It's scary to give your heart to someone, but if
this boy brought such a head strong man such as yourself to me, I think you're putting your
heart in a pair of very safe hands."
"You know what, I think you're right." I said before glancing at my watch. "Well, our hours
up... I'll see you in two days?" I asked the small woman before standing and stretching my
sore limbs.
"Of course, and Keagan before you go... I think you need to consider going back to sleeping
in a bed. You're much too tall to be sleeping on an office couch."
I laughed sincerely before nodding in agreement.
"I think I will after this weekend. I don't want to rush back too early just incase I'm not
welcome back yet."
Dr. Margret rolled her eyes but followed me out the door, and we said our official goodbyes
there.
I always hated leaving her office though, every time I did I always ended up feeling empty...
But heavy... As if there was nothing left inside of me, but my mind was just weighted with
so much shit still.
I wish I could just let that woman in with a scrubbing brush so she could clean me out, but
that was just wishful thinking.
It was raining outside of course, and I knew it because the seasons were changing but the
coincidence of it happening today just seemed to... Well, coincidental, for my comfort.
I debated heavily on whether or not I wanted to tough out the weather and walk back to
Joyce's office and order food there, or just go to the cafeteria and grub in there.
Right now I wanted to be alone, but I know if I have food brought to me I wouldn't actually
eat it. By the time it got to me something would probably make me lose my appetite and
quite frankly I don't know when the last time I actually ate was again so the cafeteria just
seemed like a better more viable option.
The walk from my car to the cafeteria was also significantly shorter so I guess all the pros
laid with eating there. Plus I might actually run into a friend or something, and that might
actually be pleasant. Who knows!
When I got into the huge cafeteria I set my eyes on exactly what my now aching stomach
craved. Usually I'm not one for sandwiches but holy hell did a sub sound good right now.
So I scampered over to the vender and ordered exactly what I wanted, I could feel my
mouth watering and my hands shaking from the excitement this stupid sandwich was
bringing me. Sounds pathetic, but when your world has been one dark cloud after the next...
The little things really start to matter, so why not take refuge in this monstrosity in bread.
After paying I found myself a quiet corner to eat in, sure there were a shit ton of people in
here, but this corner was actually pretty cozy.
"Hey Keagan..." I looked up and smiled at the familiar face. I couldn't remember her name,
but she was definitely one of those girls I stood up for at that party months ago.
"Hey, what's up?" I asked, motioning for her to sit down.
"Oh, nothing... I was just coming over to make sure you were okay."
"Yeah I'm good... What makes you think I wouldn't be?" I cocked my eyebrow at her and she
only seemed to tense.
"Do you not know?" She whispered. "I mean you and Jamison separating ways is pretty big
news... Well at least the word of you no longer being off limits is going around, but I didn't
think we'd be seeing you around him." She rambled, barely making any sense.
"We didn't... We weren't really dating yet but I'm still off the table because of him, who's
saying I'm not?"
She tensed up even more and glanced over her shoulder before getting up.
"I'm sorry for bothering you, I shouldn't have said anything. Never mind."
"Wait!" I grabbed her wrist and kept her from leaving. "What the hell is going on?"
"Just... Look over there." She sighed and motioned over to a group of people before pulling
her hand from mine and all but ran away.
I scanned the group of people before my eyes landed on a very familiar head of messy hair
who was sitting straight across from someone who was leaning in dangerously close to
him.
I don't know how long I watched the interaction for, I don't know what was actually going
on, but the moment I saw Jamison's cheeks turn that bright shade of red... I knew I couldn't
take it anymore.
It's only been two weeks... Two fucking weeks, and already some prick was weaseling his
way into my spot... And Jamison was letting him.
I sighed and tossed my barely touched sandwich away and snuck out of the cafeteria as
quickly and as quietly as I could.
I wanted nothing more than to cause a scene, but who the fuck was I to do that to him. It
was me who didn't want to put any official label on us... This was my fault.
So I really only have myself to blame.
 BOWLING SHOES

Jamison
As the days passed by, I felt less and less like myself. It was strange, because I was starting
to notice how short a time span a person could do a 180. And I'm usually not one to self-
reflect. But really. I went from being a shy kid who barely had a life, to a love-sick kid who
would do anything to fix a broken relationship.
I knew that I needed to give Keagan his space. That's what he wanted. How much space, I
don't know. I wasn't sure when he would decide that enough was enough and talk to me
again.
It was killing me to not know what he was up to. There was so many times throughout my
days where I felt like I just needed to tell him something- anything. But I couldn't.
And then there was Will.
Will was a nice distraction. He was actually growing on me. Not that I ever had a problem
with him, but at first I wasn't so sure that he was being genuine with his actions. I realized
that Will was just a really friendly person; he had a lot of friends. Different kinds of friends,
all very nice and seemed to get along together great.
Of course I made those judgments based off of their facebooks and instagrams, but still. He
talked about them as if they were one big family. And I thought that was pretty cool.
I had friends, but they were miles and miles away, and I was in the process of mending
things with one of them. Keagan had friends, but they were all pretty much alcoholics and
jerks. So learning more about Will's friends was a nice change of pace for me.
It was all pretty random how he and I started talking regularly, but I was ok with that. I
tutored him as much as I could, and he was so appreciative of my help. He made me feel
good about myself- he made me think that I was really helping him and I hoped that I did.
He texted me a lot more than I would expect from a new friend but like I said, he was just a
very friendly kind of guy.
I eventually learned that Will was an only child, so I assumed that maybe that was the
reason why he was so happy and sociable around new people.
I also realized that when Will smiled his eyes crinkled- and it was adorable.
Like right now.
"Not only did I pass, but I got an 82! An 82 Jamison, can you believe it? I'm so excited about
this. And it's all thanks to you."
I held up my hands.
"That's amazing Will! But no, you earned that grade; I only helped you a tiny bit. This is all
you."
Again he smiled and I couldn't help but smile back.
He kind of reminded me of a younger more average looking James Franco... if that makes
any sense at all.
"Shut up you never take any credit. You're an amazing tutor. And you're either going to
take my money or at least let me take you out to lunch or something. I honestly wouldn't
have passed if it weren't for you."
I bit my lip and shrugged.
"Well, if you insist," I said, emphasizing the word insist. "We could get some food
sometime."
I wasn't sure if Will picked up on the fact that I was gay, but I had a feeling he knew without
me telling him. I told him about my troubles without using Keagan's name. He had a look on
his face that told me he got it, but I never really confirmed.
I myself wasn't so sure about him either. To me, he looked completely straight. But some of
his mannerisms seemed a bit.. feminine at times. But it could so be me thinking too much
into it. I guess finding out about Keagan was such a shock it prepared me for things like
this.
"Great, I'm glad you're finally taking me up on my offer. So, I have a question."
For some reason my heart started to beat faster and I got nervous.
What could he possibly have to ask me?
What if it was something personal? What if he didn't like my answer?
"I have an answer," I said, hoping it wasn't too cliché of an answer for him.
He smirked and crossed his arms.
"Well. If you're not busy later, me and my friends are going bowling. I was wondering if
you'd like to come?"
Damn, I think I have anxiety. Like really bad. Why was I getting all worked up like that
when all he had to ask me was something very simple and non-threatening.
But wait.
He just asked me to hang out with him and his perfect friends.
Why?
I mean, I'm glad. Excited even. But also terrified.
I don't know these people. He barely knows me. So why does he want me to come along?
Maybe he thinks I'm funny. Or maybe he just wants me to come because he feels like he's
taking advantage of my brain.
Who knows?
"No I'm not doing anything I don't think. That sounds like fun actually. I haven't been
bowling in a while."
Will and I headed out of the school building and towards the parking lot. I sometimes
walked Will to his car for whatever reason. He commuted to the school because he only
lived a few minutes away.
"Don't get weirded out but I sort of told my friends about you. And they really want to meet
you because I may have told them that you're smart and awesome and lots of fun. And also,
I've noticed that you seem pretty down in the dumps lately. Well, since I met you two or so
weeks ago. And I know you mentioned that you're going through some stuff with your
friend and I get that, I just... want you to know that you have me as a friend now," he said
sincerely. "Sorry for getting super weird on you I just- yea. You'll find out as we get to know
each other better that I'm really awkward. But I mean well."
I laughed and grabbed my right arm with my left hand.
"No no you're not. You're so nice and I really thank you for being so friendly towards me.
It's awesome," I said with a small smile. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So when it came time to decide on what to wear I was pretty lost. It didn't matter, I wasn't
trying to outdo anyone, but I wanted to look decent for these people.
After a short while of trying on different combinations I settled on a random collared shirt
and dark jeans, with some black toms to go with it. Did I match? Not exactly. Did I care?
Kind of. I just didn't want to try too hard and look like an idiot.
I did brush my hair and teeth just so I wouldn't scare anyone away.
My hair was getting out of control.
Keagan said he'd cut it for me, but he was joking. And that was almost a month ago. But
maybe I'm better off with Keagan and scissors away from my head.
I looked in the mirror one more time before I started to head out.
Will was kind enough to be picking me up; since I only know him he figured it would be less
awkward if we showed up together. I feel like he might be one of the only people who
understand my awkwardness.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket; it was most likely Will texting me to hurry up.
Only it wasn't Will.
It was Keagan.
Hey. I know, it's been a while. Just wanted to check in. I bet you're studying or doing
something equally important so I'll try not to bother you. I hope you're taking care of
yourself. And I really hope you got a haircut. Like, for real its borderline afro.
Anywho- I'm going to stop making fun of you and blowing up your phone now. Talk
to you soon Jamie.
I smiled and held my phone a little tighter.
Do I text back this instant?
Do I wait?
Do I tell him about Will and what's going on with my life?
I took in a breath and put my phone back in my pocket.
I didn't want to keep Will waiting, so I decided I would text Keagan back once I got settled
in with Will and his friends at the bowling alley.
I hoped that Keagan was taking care of himself as well. I missed him so much. All I wanted
was to know when the next time I was going to see him. And I hoped that it would be soon.
I couldn't take much more of this. It feels like I lost my best friend. It somehow feels worse
than when I thought I lost Russ. It shouldn't be like this.
But all my thoughts of negativity were slightly diminished once I saw Will's bright and
shinning face.
I guess I was just going to take this one day at a time.
 LILIES & DAISIES

Keagan
I sat patiently for an hour after I sent that pathetic message to Jamison, but as soon as that
hour was up I started to worry. It wasn't like I sent it when he was sleeping, and it's not like
he didn't have his phone with him when he was studying... So there was really no way he'd
just have missed it, which only left me to believe he had ignored it.
Finally three hours later I finally got back a- Hey, sorry I've been pretty busy lately,
but I'm doing okay, still no haircut but I'll get one soon I promise... It has been too
long of a while though, come home soon okay?"
That kind of put my mind at ease, at least for a minute. I smiled at first but then my ever
wandering mind drifted towards his wording.
Busy.
What the hell did that even mean? Around me he was never busy... But now with this new
dickrag around he was all of a sudden a socialite?
I sighed knowing full well that this was just me over thinking and being jealous over
someone who probably meant nothing. But it was that damn wording again. "Probably
meant nothing" didn't mean that goofy looking asshole Jamison was with didn't mean
anything it just meant that I wouldn't know exactly how much he was replacing me until I
actually go back and reclaim my throne.
If he happened to mean something more in such a short period of time then so be it. I
would just have to figure out my next move from there, but I wasn't about to continue
living on this sofa when I had my own bed just screaming for me.
I can deal with awkward, but this crippling back pain was becoming way too much to bear.
I will, I promise. Can't wait to see you cutie.
I chuckled inwardly, I mean yeah I meant every word but it was pretty cheesy. I'm sure he
wouldn't mind though, if anything I'm sure he'd appreciate it. But even with that being said,
tomorrow was Thursday and I had therapy and a shit ton of homework to do, so I think one
more day apart wouldn't kill us. That way I could get everything out of the way and the
focus completely on Jamison and I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday finally rolled around and I just couldn't help myself. I woke up super early, packed
all my things from Joyce's office and made my way to the gym for an early morning
workout and then a quick shower. After that I headed towards a local floral shop and
picked out a humble but pretty bouquet of lilies and daisies.
It was simple and sweet and he could look at it for the next few weeks when I inevitably
fuck up. Hopefully these flowers will take the edge off of me being gone for so long, but I'm
sure once I explain myself, he'll understand. Maybe even like me more! Who knows!
I groaned quietly as the knot sat heavily in my stomach as I searched my pockets for my
keys, the extra fifteen seconds of pain staking searching was complete agony but as soon as
I found it, it only got worse.
I felt my hands tremble and sweat around the bouquet as the familiar scent of home
flooded my nose. Who knew that barely a month away would make a scent I never thought
about so prevalent?
All the good warm feelings soon vanished as I saw Jamison and that ass clown sitting
together -being way to friendly- on Jamison's bed, completely lost in the book that was
between them to even notice I was there. To make matters even worse, that douche canoes
bag was on MY bed.
So like the grownup I am I cleared my throat and earned a startled look from the two males.
"Hey Keagan, glad you and I took time apart so we could work on bettering ourselves for
each other! Hope you don't mind that I find myself a new boy toy to fuck around with while
you're gone!" I said mockingly and smiled just the same before throwing the flowers into
the trash can. I wanted to say more, but Jamison was fumbling all over himself to get out of
his bed, and I just didn't want to hear anything.
That whole month away just went to shit within a matter of moments so I left.
"Keagan! Hold the fuck on!" Jamison grabbed my arm and if I were just a little more pissed I
probably would have knocked him the fuck out for having the audacity to touch me right
now. But I wasn't as angry as I was sad, so sadly that didn't happen.
"What?" I snapped.
"What the fuck was that?" He said, a little out of breath from trying to keep up with me I
assume.
"That was me coming home, but the better question would be who the fuck was that and
why is his shit on my bed?"
Jamison's face went blank and I just sighed and rolled my eyes.
"Stop it Keagan, I'll take the blame for him putting his bag on your bed, but he's just a
friend!"
"A friend that you go out to lunch with, a friend who stops you from replying to me so you
guys can hangout for a few hours in the evening, and a friend you cuddle up in bed with.
Yep sounds like just a friend."
"Oh my god, you are taking EVERY THING out of context."
"Really? Am I? Because people talk Jamison. How long did it take him to replace me?"
"That's not fair Keagan and you know it."
"No, you know what's not fair? What's not fair is that for the last fucking month I've been
beating myself up and sitting through therapy all to better myself for you. So I can be who
you need me to be, while you're over here acquainting yourself with this goofy mother
fucker." I said and pointed to the asshole who just tried to sneak out of our room.
Jamison's eyes softened a bit though as he bit his lip. "Is that what you've been doing?" He
asked, his voice a little softer than before.
"Yeah, what else would I be doing?" I asked, my tone still harsher than it needed to be.
"I-I don't know. Keagan..." He looked down and looked at the shit head down the hall.
"Nothing happened between him and I. Nothing. I've been tutoring him and we became
friends. We all went out to bowl that night you texted me, and I was just helping him again
now... You really went to therapy for me?"
My heart was beating erratically and angrily in my chest, but as soon as he looked up at me
with those huge doe eyes I could feel the anger dissipate.
"Yeah I did." I mumbled. "I just-"
"I'm sorry..." He interrupted. "I'm sorry that you got the wrong idea about Will and I, and
Will I'm sorry you had to be apart of this." He said and we both glanced over to the boy
awkwardly standing in the hallway.
I figure he's probably just waiting to make sure I really don't explode, but who knows. He's
stupid.
"Jamison-"
"Let's finish this inside?" He asked, interrupting me again but I just nodded and followed;
and though I wanted to just abandon this Will kid out in the hallway, Jamison had to
reassure him that everything was okay now and that they'd finish the study session later.
Yeah, over my dead body they will.
But soon enough it was just him and I... In our home, and the tension between us was
unbearably thick and the silence was pretty fucking deafening.
"Keagan, that's... That's really where you've been?" Jamison asked again, his voice finally
breaking through the awkwardness between us.
"Yes for the hundredth time." I laughed. "I went to therapy."
"Where... Where were you staying?"
"In Joyce's office." I said, now hearing his underlying questions. "I isolated myself Jamie. I
went to class, I went to therapy, and then I slept on a hard lumpy couch. Occasionally I
enjoyed a drink or two in Joyce's office, but that was it."
A look of guilt swept over his face, and of course even though it felt good to see it, I still
didn't want it to be there.
"So you really were working on... Us? This wasn't just a break? God I feel like an ass..."
"Don't." I sighed, completely understanding why he'd think a piece of shit like me would
just string him along like that. "I didn't tell you, I just left."
"But this whole time... I was worried, I was worried instead of trusting you, but you were
doing exactly what you said." His eyes started to fill up with tears, but he latched on to me
before I had time to think of anything comforting to say.
"Hey... Hey now..." I lamely said as I tried to get him to look at me, but he just buried his
head against my chest.
"No Keagan, I was wrong! You were right, maybe I don't deserve you because you deserve
better than this."
I sighed and pulled the smaller boy in front of me as I sat down on my bed.
"I said those things in anger Jamie." I said as I pressed a small kiss to the top of his
knuckles. "But right now I just want all of that to be behind us, okay?"
He looked away and chewed on his lip for a second. It was hard to see what he was thinking
behind those now puffy eyes, but I wasn't worried.
"I don't know Keagan, I just... You're not mad anymore? We're just gonna be a clean slate
now?"
"For tonight at least. We can talk more tomorrow or in an hour or two, but right now I just
want to lay in bed with the boy that means the world to me and work on making him mine
again."
I could see the wheels turning in his mind again but he smiled and nodded.
"I would like nothing more than to be yours again."
I smiled back and pulled him into my more than welcoming bed with me. I knew he had
tons of questions but right now I wasn't looking to start another potential fight. I just
wanted to give him that security he needed, because I'm sure right now I look like a pretty
large flight risk to him.
"So do you think we can do that? And then tomorrow if you're up for it, maybe we could
possibly work on making you my official boyfriend?" I grinned as his head shot up from its
snuggled position and laughed once I saw the ever incredulous look on his face.
"Y-yeah, I uh... I think we can do that."
"Good." I half mumbled as I pecked his forehead and drew him into me.
It felt weird to say boyfriend and mean it. But I didn't combust or fall through the Earths
crust, so I guess we can only go up from here.
 WAFFLE HOUSE

Jamison
I almost couldn't believe the series of events that happened over the course of yesterday. It
was so random of Keagan to just come home out of nowhere with no notice. Was I happy?
Of course. Was he? Not so much, when he saw Will's belongings all over his area. I don't
blame him for being upset, but he did take things way too far.
Will was appologetic about the whole thing, but I told him that nothing was his fault and
that Keagan's reaction had no reflextion upon him. Which was a total lie because I already
knew without even asking that Keagan disliked Will. He made that incredibly clear.
I wasn't mad at him for scaring Will off so to speak. I forgave him pretty quickly actually.
Because as messed up as it sounds, Will didn't mean half as much to me as Keagan, and I
was just so glad to have Keagan back.
It felt more than amazing to be able to fall asleep in Keagan's arms again. I don't care how
sappy it sounds, it's the truth. I didn't realize how much I really missed him until he was in
my presence again. I didn't think I could handle another situation like that again; and I
swore to myself I'd do anything to make sure he never left me like that again.
Keagan stirred awake and smiled while he was half asleep. It was adorable and heart
melting.
"Watching me sleep you little creeper?" He asked in a groggy voice.
I smirked even though his eyes were too closed to witness it.
"No, I just woke up as well. I'm not a creeper. You're a creeper."
He rubbed his eyes and then wrapped me up closer in his arms. He had squeezed me a little
bit too tight but I accepted it because I didn't want him to think I was fragile. I had a feeling
he knew that already, but I guess he just didn't know his own strength.
"Is it bad that I plan on not moving from this bed all day?" I asked as I yawned.
I wasn't tired, I slept really good as a matter of fact. Keagan slept through the night too, and
that was comforting because I know what a light sleeper he is. It was nice to know that he
must have been just as content as I was last night.
"Not remotely. My plans are the same. I'll probably get hungry and leave you for waffles,
but then I promise I'll come right back."
I turned to face him and smiled.
"You're only leaving me for waffles if you bring me back some. And feed them to me. And
fan me. Slave."
Keagan laughed and messed up my already messed up hair.
"Well that escelated quickly. But ok I'll get you waffles and feed them to you. I doubt you'll
want to be fanned though, considering it's basically snowing outside."
I groaned.
Me and the cold never got along. Perhaps Keagan and I could travel to someplace warmer
once school was over. That would be awesome. With what money I have no idea. But we'd
find a way.
"Don't remind me," I said as I snuggled into his warm chest.
I heard my phone vibrate on my desk and I knew who it was.
I just hoped that Keagan wouldn't flip out over it.
Keagan leaned over me and peeked at my phone. I was totally okay with it, I didn't have
anything to hide.
"I don't like this Will guy. Like. At all."
I sighed and sat up a little bit, but still reamined close to him.
"You met him for less than 2 minutes. He's not a bad person. He's actually really nice. I
know that's not what you think of him but trust me. I wouldn't have been his friend if he
wasn't worth my time. And I think if you gave him a chance you'd like him too."
Keagan sighed as well and bit his lip.
"You know me, Jamie. I'm not the type to be friendly with people who piss me off. And I
don't like to share you with anyone. Clearly. I mean, don't even get me started with Russ
but you understand where I'm coming from. I just... don't see why he's even in the picture."
I opened my mouth to say something as to why he was in the picture but Keagan gently put
his pointer finger over my lips.
"It doesn't matter," he said as he kissed me. "I don't want to talk about Will or Russ or
anyone else. I just want to enjoy laying here with you. Because it feels like fucking years
since we've been able to do this. And no one is going to ruin it. All I want to do right now is
have you next to me, and have you happy."
I looked up at him and put my hand on his cheek. Keagan could be so sweet when he
wanted to be. The rarity of his sweetness made what he just said so much more meaningful
than I think he meant for it to be.
"I am happy," I said as I stroked his cheek. "So fucking happy."
Keagan smiled and put his hand over mine. His hands weren't too much bigger than mine,
but I liked that they were bigger. Made me feel protected and safe.
I knew if anyone tried to hurt me he'd stand by me and make sure I was looked after. I'd do
the same for him, but let's be real; he'd kick their ass way before I could get involved.
"Good. Because I am too. I hated being away from you. Honestly, I hated it. It sucked. I
thought about you every day."
"I thought about you every day too. I had no idea when you were coming back. I hoped that
it wouldn't be move out day. I mean, I didn't think you deserted me but you're a little
unpredictable so I didn't know what to excpect."
Keagan smirked.
"My unpredicitibily is part of my charm," he said, still smirking. "But in all honesty I'd never
desert you. Not even if you did something really bad, not like you would, but still. I think we
both know by now that we're pretty much stuck with each other."
I knew he was kidding, but I liked the idea of being "stuck" with him. It would be the good
kind of stuck. There isn't anyone I'd rather be stuck with than the man I'm currently laying
next to.
"Oh definitely," I said half-sarcastically. "Hey pause for a second. I'm gonna ask you
something serious and I want a serious answer ok?"
"I'm gonna pretend like you didn't just pause me like a movie but ok yes go ahead."
I pushed him and laughed.
"Sorry not sorry. Anyway. I was just thinking randomly in my head that we should go
somewhere. Like travel. Anywhere. But maybe somewhere warm. Like california. Or south
carolina. What do you think?"
Keagan's silence scared me. Did he think I was crazy? Did he not agree? Should I have just
shut my mouth?
"You really would want to travel with me Jamie?"
I nodded and put my hand against his chest.
"You trust me enough to do that?"
Again I nodded and said, "Of course I do Keagan. I'd love every second of it."
He quickly smiled softly and tucked my hair behind my ear.
"You have no idea how much that means to me. I would go anywhere with you. Wherever
you want Jamie I swear."
I could tell things were getting serious, and Keagan never did serious well. I didn't want to
push it.
"Well. We can start by traveling into the bathroom to get ready. And then travel some more.
To IHOP. You made me want waffles."
 SQUARES

Keagan
I smiled as Jamison straddled my hips. It was kind of our new thing. If I were laying down
or anything to that nature, he was above me with an innocent but mischievous grin.
"What?" I asked with a crooked smirk, and usually this question just leads us into a hot and
heavy make out but this time he just ran his hands down my stomach and smiled.
"So... I got invited to go bowling..." He said, the innocence never leaving his face. "And I was
thinking that maybe... Possibly... you should come along?"
I scoffed, not on purpose but just out of habit like almost everyone does when something
ridiculous is presented to them.
"Oh come on Keagan! It will be fun!" He whined.
"Our definitions of fun are very VERY different then." I chuckled but his pout was starting
to get to me.
"Why not?"
"Used shoes and hanging out with a guy named William who will most likely be fawning
over my boyfriend just doesn't seem like that great of a time to me."
"Your what?" He asked and for a second I was really confused, but then I realized the minor
slip I had made.
"Uh... Boyfriend." I repeated as proudly as I could, as if I had meant to make that small
blunder.
"I'm sorry, I don't think you're pronouncing my name right." He giggled. "I don't ever
remember being asked to be called that."
"Oh really? I could have sworn I did... Hmm." I playfully lied. "Oh well."
"No wait!" He laughed and took my hands in his own. "Come on, do it right."
"Oh boy, I'll do you right." I said, barely able to contain my laughter through the cheesy pun.
"Keagan!" He shouted, laughing as well. "Are you gonna ask me or not?"
"I ruined the moment! We'll have to wait until it's perfect again." I said in the fakest serious
voice I could muster.
"Ugh you suck!" He groaned and fell off of me to the open spot beside myself.
"I mean, I could if you want me too... Know what I'm sayin?" I raised my eyebrow
suggestively but he huffed and rolled over. "Oh come on Jamie baby," I cooed. "Don't be like
that."
"Hmph!" He grunted and crossed his arms. I could picture the face he was making too, and
though I would never tell him this, I really do think this is adorable. The whole "faking
angry and pouting until I get what I want" is super cute when adult males do it. Not kids
though. When kids do it it's absolutely the worst; probably because I can't gain anything
with a kid... But hey, at least I might get a little something with Jamison though.
"Okay fine, Jamison Price will you be my official boyfriend? Hand holding in public,
matching outfits, and all?"
I heard him squeal briefly before his arms flailed up and he attacked me with aggressive off
centered kisses.
"Is that a yes?" I asked once he moved far away from my mouth to speak.
"Hmm..." He stopped and tapped his chin as if he were in deep thought. "I don't know, I'll
have to think about it."
"Really?" I asked, pretending to be annoyed but really I was just trying to mask how fucking
nervous he just made me. Because really, if he were serious that would probably fuck me all
kinds of up.
"No of course not!" He giggled again. "I have to call Livvie! Ah! I have to call my mom!" He
searched for his phone through the bed but then paused abruptly.
"That wasn't a trick just to get me to forget about bowling was it?" He asked, clutching his
newly found phone in his hands.
"No Jamie, it wasn't. I promise." I laughed, enjoying the wave of relief that swept over his
face.
"Good, now go get dressed."
"For what? I didn't agree to go anywhere."
"I know." He chuckled before kissing me quickly. "I promise I'll make it worth your time
though."
He ended that suggestive sentence with a rather sexy wink so how could I argue with that?
----------------------------
I moaned loudly and squeezed my eyes shut as Jamison's fingers dug themselves into my
back.
"Holy shit, Jamison." I groaned.
"Does that feel okay?" He asked as he pushed the palms of his hands down to kneed my
now oily skin.
"That feels amazing." I grunted. "Almost better than the sex I was half expecting."
"We just started dating." He laughed.
"Mmm that we did." I mumbled, my attention no longer on the conversation but more
towards the small hands that were working magic against my tense muscles.
"So, bowling wasn't so bad was it?"
I glanced over my shoulder and chuckled. In all honesty it was beyond fucking boring and
that Will kid cancelled last minute. Apparently he had some "last minute studying" to do
right after Jamie told him I'd be there.
"Yeah babe, it was great." I said, lying of course. I mean, who was I to tell him his friends
were a bunch of squares? Mine are all a bunch of drunks so I really don't have much to
stand on.
"You're just saying that." He laughed as he climbed off of my back and sat beside me again
soI turned over to face him and propped myself up on my elbow.
"Of course I am, but I had a great time with you so that's all that matters."
I watched him melt again before he pecked my lips gently.
"You're so fucking cheesy." He mumbled against my lips before laying down and wrapping
himself up in my arms.
"Mmm you love it." I responded as I brushed his unruly hair away from my face.
"Tomorrow we're getting your hair cut. Even if I have to do it while you're asleep."
"Oh shut up and turn on a movie." He laughed. "Maybe I like it this long."
"Any longer and you'll start looking like a mop. A cute mop, a mop that I'd bang in a second,
but a mop never the less." I said as I turned over again and turned on Netflix before picking
some random movie like we always did.
"Jeeze Keagan, sex on your mind?" He asked as he resettled himself in my arms.
"Yeah, it's been months." I laughed. "I haven't gone this long since I was seventeen.
"Oh... Wow, so I really am that special to you?"
"Mh," I grunted before burying my nose in his ridiculously good smelling hair. "You could
say that."
 OUR BED

Jamison
So today was a day for adventures. And by adventures I mean Keagan and I going to get my
haircut, which turned into both of us basically chopping all of our hair off. I don't even
know how I convinced him to cut his hair; I think I gave him puppy dog eyes or something.
But nevertheless, we were balder than ever before. Okay that's an exaggeration, but hey,
I'm still getting used to it.
Our other adventure was looking for a place to eat. Keagan pulled the 'we'll go wherever
you want' card and then denied every place I mentioned. So that turned into us driving
around for an extra 20 minutes trying to find a place that we both agreed on. Of course we
ended up at a diner because Keagan couldn't live without pancakes in the afternoon. What
normal person could?
I noticed that Keagan was... happy. Not that he wasn't before, but I just realize what a wide
smile Keagan actually had. He was just in such a good mood; and I hoped that it was
because we were finally in a perfect place but I couldn't say that for sure. All I knew was
that a smile never looked so good on a person.
"Oh my god Keagan you have syrup all over your mouth," I said trying to keep myself from
laughing hysterical at him.
He stuck out his tongue to try and get it but he failed.
"Why don't you get it off for me you jerk you're just sitting there watching me struggle!"
"Because it's funny!" I said before I leaned forward and kissed his syrupy mouth.
Then I got his napkin for him and wiped his mouth for him.
He was a child. But he was my child and I wouldn't have it any other way.
"I think I need to take this home, I'm so full. Besides, just watching you eat makes me even
fuller. Like, where does all the food you eat even go? You're a twig."
I laughed and continued to eat my chicken Caesar wrap.
"You eat more than me I just eat slowly. Go ahead and ask for a box, I'm almost done. Then
we can go back to the room and snuggle."
Keagan smiled and waved the waitress down in a nice way.
"Oh is that what we're doing when we get back? I don't have a say?"
I crossed my arms and fake pouted.
"Come on act like that's not what you want to do, I dare you- actually wait I don't, because
you never refuse dares so I take it back! Just hush your mouth and cuddle with me."
Keagan laughed and put his money on the table to pay for both of us. I thought it was sweet
for him to pay without saying anything.
I honestly had trouble believing that we were actually official. I've wanted to be Keagan's
boyfriend for so long, and now I am. It's just an amazing feeling that I don't want to go
away, like ever.
We have come such a long way. From basically annoying each other to no end to pouring
affection down each other's throats. It's hard to imagine life without him at this point. I
don't think I could be as happy with anyone as I am with Keagan right now. I could only
hope that he felt the same.
"Alright come on let's go Jamie, our bed is calling us."
And I couldn't help but blush at the fact that both of our beds are now just both "our" beds
instead of our own individual beds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keagan stroked my head and bit his lip.
"You look really good with shorter hair, you know that?"
I looked up at him and put my hand on his chest.
"Do I?"
He nodded and kissed my forehead.
"Yeah, you really do. You look less like a nerd and more like a hot nerd."
I smacked him playfully and laughed. Of course he would say something like that.
"Well I'll take that as a compliment, so thank you Keagan. You look just plain old hot with
your hair the way it is. Kinda sucks that I can't really grab it though."
Keagan smirked.
"What do you mean by that?"
And then again I blushed. Because I didn't exactly mean for that to come out. It just sort of
did. And now I can't really pretend that it didn't. Oops.
"Oh um. Just like. You know. It would be nice to pull it. Sometimes."
And leave it up to me to be extremely awkward.
Keagan held me tighter in his arms and turned more to face me. He was making me so
nervous but I knew he wasn't trying to. I didn't even know why I was so nervous in the first
place.
"Are you trying to tell me that you like to pull hair Jamie?"
I covered my face and Keagan pried my hands away with a huge smile on his face. Geez he's
lucky he's cute or I would have split by now.
"Ok ok yes! I do. It's one of those things that... I like. You know?"
Keagan bit his lip again and he looked so focused on me. It was actually a huge turn on but I
was definitely not going to tell him that.
"Tell me what else you like."
Pretty sure my face was a tomato at this point.
"Keagannn," I whined.
"Come on, don't be shy. Tell me. I should know these things."
And then something just sort of snapped inside me. Something good. Something different.
I put my hand on his face and looked him directly in his eyes. I looked down, bit my lip like
he had just done, and then I looked up at him again.
"Why don't you find out?"
I didn't give him time to reply. I just leaned in and kissed his lips so hard. I held the back of
his neck and snuck my tongue out to wrestle with his.
His body language told me that I had shocked him, and that's what I wanted. I wanted to
take him off guard.
He was always the one making sexual jokes and innuendos, but I am a sexual being too, and
I wanted him to know that.
Keagan pulled my body on top of his and thrusted his hips up.
I stopped kissing him to let out a quiet moan, and then I returned to him. My body started
to heat up and I felt Keagan's warming up as well. I didn't want to be too forward, so I
patiently waited for him to slip my shirt off; which he did in a matter of seconds.
"This is ok?" He asked me as he tossed his shirt on to the floor. "Because-"
I cut him off with my lips and nodded against his skin.
"It's more than ok," I said as I grinded my hips against him.
He arched his back and I just took it all in. He looked so sexy underneath me like that. He
kissed my neck and started to help me shimmy out of my pants.
Keagan ran his hands from my neck all the way down to my boxers. I sucked in my breath
and closed my eyes. I reached my hands down and started to unbutton his jeans, and he
lifted his hips up so I could pull them down.
His abs were poking through his skin and I don't think I've ever seen him look so sexy. He
was sweating and breathing heavy, he was fucking beautiful.
I rolled off of him to lay next to him, and our hands just started to wander at that point. He
was on me and I was on him, we were both just panting in each others ears until we
couldn't take it any more. I felt my stomach tighten up and I stopped what I was doing to
him; I squeezed his arm and kissed him before my hands returned to his skin. He moaned
into my mouth and his body soon relaxed when it was all over.
I could not believe how good he made me feel without going all the way. But I was so happy
that we didn't jump right into sex because this was something that we needed. We needed
to trust each other and explore each other before we could really get anywhere else.
"Wow." Was all he said as he scooped me up in his arms and kissed my forehead.
I smiled and wrapped my arms around him.
"Wow is right," I said and snuggled my face into the crook of his neck.
It did not matter that it was only 4 o' clock in the afternoon, we were going to sleep and
that was that. And I honestly did not care about anything else but being naked and in
Keagan's arms.
 SOAKING WET

Keagan
I didn't realize how sexually frustrated I was until now. All that built up hostility and that
ridiculously short fuse I had was all basically just my body telling me that I needed some
type of human contact.
I never noticed that I went an entire semester without so much as a handjob from someone
else, but now that Jamie and I were "exploring" I have become way more at ease. An entire
fucking semester though? If that doesn't say something as too how much that little shit
means to me, then I don't know what will.
Still, it was really really hard to believe that I went that long without noticing, that my mind
was so preoccupied with Jamison and our lives that I didn't even realize that my entire life
had completely changed.
"Keagan, go back to sleep." Jamison groaned beside me.
"No." I grunted simply and I just barely heard the small sigh that made right before rolling
over.
"Why not?"
"Oh... I didn't really mean no, I just said it out of habit."
"Why are you even up?"
"Just thinking."
"About?" I knew I wasn't going to get out of this topic easily so I just decided to cave.
"Caves and how stalagmites form." And by "cave" I meant actually talk about caves.
"It's from ceiling droplets babe. Stalactites are the cool ones."
I looked at the boy in my arms blankly for a moment. I couldn't tell if I wanted to tell him
that I loved him or if I just wanted to call him a nerd for that comment.
"Say more nerdy things Jamie, you're turning me on." I said, keeping my voice as serious as
possible, but he just smacked my chest and made a funny disgruntled noise.
"Keagan, I promise I'll talk nerdy to you later but it's like four am now."
"Science boners wait for no one Jamison." I said, maintaining that serious tone again as I
climbed out of bed.
"Wait were you serious?"
"Of course. This isn't a time to play!"
"Oh come back then! I'm sorry." He laughed. "I'll help you out."
And though the suggestive tone was exciting I was almost completely flaccid and just had to
pee.
"It's okay Jamie, I was just yanking your chain. It was pretty sexy though, so maybe later
you could tell me more sexy science things. You go back to sleep though, I just have to pee."
I said before making my way over to him so I could press a gentle kiss to his forehead.
Maybe to reassure him of any doubts he may have had or maybe because I was just slowly
domesticating myself more and more each day. It was hard to tell now.
"Mmm, alright." He yawned. "Hurry back though. I don't like being in this bed alone."
When I made my way back after my bathroom trip I could feel a difference in the
atmosphere around me, and it wasn't until I noticed Jamison was holding my phone that I
realized something was wrong.
"What?" I asked, knowing full well that I had nothing to hide. There was no secret
messages, no dirty pictures, and if anyone had sent anything new I would ruin them.
Jamison and I finally getting together was a pretty small but big deal to some on this
campus, so I had pre-warned Jamison that there might be crazy people I had once slept
with trying to squeeze their way back in.
"This uh... This number has called you a lot... Like four times since you got up. Oh! They're
calling again!" He tossed my phone to me and I glanced at the number quickly before
putting it back on the side table. "Wait... Aren't you going to answer that?"
"No." I grunted as I crawled back into bed, pulling Jamison down with me.
"Why not?" He asked, his eyes overfilling with curiosity.
"Because you're more important." I said, which was true, but I was using it as more of a
distraction rather than an actual compliment.
"But babe, that's a 617 number."
"Mhm, and?" I placed small kisses on his neck to distract him, but it clearly wasn't going to
work.
"That's Boston, that's where you're from right?"
"Yeah?" I chuckled. "Look Jamison, nothing anyone from Massachusetts has to say to me is
any where near as important as kissing you is. So just leave it be."
He smiled and for a brief second I thought I had won, but then as he kissed me I could feel
him reaching back to grab my phone, and before I could stop him he answered the phone
and placed it against my ear.
"Nathaniel? Hello?" I felt the blood go cold in my veins.
"Wrong number." I responded as soon as my mouth would allow me to speak.
"Keagan? Sorry I forgot you preferred that. Oh my god it is you..."
"Sorry ma'am, you have the wrong number." I moved my face away, and I could hear her
pleading with me not to hang up, but I didn't care. Why the fuck should I?
"Keagan..." Jamison said as I took my phone from him and hung up. "Baby who was that?"
"I told you to leave it alone." I deadpanned before getting out of bed.
"Wait, Keagan I'm sorry. Don't leave..." He said and I sighed, now feeling bad that he
thought I was just going to up and vanish again.
"I'm not, I promise."
"Just... I'm sorry, but who calls five or six times for no reason."
"Oh there's a reason I'm sure, I just don't care what she has to say..." I could see the wheels
turning in his mind now, and I could feel my hands starting to shake. I don't think I was
ready to talk about my family again with him. I mean last time I nearly killed us both.
"She called you Nathaniel... Why? Was that your mom?"
"Just drop it Jamison." I sighed again and rubbed my face to try to rid myself of this new
frustration, but before I could get another breath in, a small pair of arms wrapped their way
around my waist.
"You know I can't do that Keagan..." He mumbled against my chest. "I can talk to her if you
want..."
I groaned, now even more frustrated than before but I knew I wasn't going to get out of
this.
"I don't care. Do whatever you want because clearly you're just going to ignore my feelings
towards this."
I saw the look of guilt in his eyes as those words fell from my lips but it needed to be said.
"I- I'm sorry..."
"It's fine, I just have nothing to say to her. I'm gonna go for a run though... So do whatever
you want." I kissed my boyfriends forehead and smiled. "I'll be back, I promise."
The look of doubt in his eyes made my stomach turn a little but I just kissed his forehead
again and changed my clothes to something more suitable for running.
When I finally made it outside I realized it was drizzling but I figured it had never stopped
me before so why let it stop me now?
I was probably three miles or so into my run before this torrential downpour broke
through the clouds so I decided that now was probably the best time to turn around and
head back.
Six miles wasn't nearly as far as I wanted to go, but it would have to do since I could hardly
see the ground beneath my feet.
Part of me wished I had worn less clothing for this run, but it was too cold in Michigan not
to wear at least a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie, and sweat pants.
So saying I was drenched would be an understatement, and it sucked because not only was
I tired from that run but all the extra water weight made me at least twice as heavy.
I felt better though. I needed that little release so I didn't end up saying something I didn't
mean. Clearly Jamison should have butted out when I asked him too, but we all know he's
incapable of that.
And I do suppose I should let him in more now that we're official, but... Well, I guess I had
some apologizing to do.
"Hey babe, I'm sorry I over reacted. I shouldn't have talked to you like that." I said right as I
entered the door. I didn't hear a response right away so instead of stripping myself of my
soaking wet clothing I just walked further into our room to find my boyfriend.
Much to my relief he was sitting on our bed still, but he looked worse than he did when he
was trying to figure out who was calling me.
"Jamison?" I asked stepping closer to him carefully. "Babe what's wrong?"
He looked up at me and I could see there were tears forming in his eyes, and he got up so
quick that I just didn't have time to stop and save him from my wet clothing before he flung
himself into me.
"Oh god Keagan, I am so sorry." He said, his voice shaking slightly and I felt my heart drop
even more. Did he really believe I was going to actually leave him? That this little dispute
was what would end all that hard work and struggles we had to go through to be together?
"Baby for what?" I asked but he just held me tighter even though he clearly knew by now
how soaking wet I was.
"It's... It's your Dad, Keagan. He's not well. Your mom has been calling to tell you how bad-"
I let my arms drop from around him and sighed.
"I don't care." I said, keeping my voice as even and calm as I could manage.
"Keagan, your mom said that he's been sick for a long time... She said she doesn't think he
has much longer left..."
"Good." I wish I hated how easily that word rolled off my tongue, but it couldn't have felt
more true. I hated him with every fiber of my being.
"She needs you there, Keagan. You're all she has left."
"I don't care." I repeated. "She might as well be dying too. I do not care."
"I... I uh... I told her that we would go over there. She begged Keagan, she said she would
pay for everything and I couldn't just tell her no..."
"I'm not going." I laughed, now more amused with this than upset. "She can spend all the
money she wants. Hell she could bring his dying body here and I still wouldn't give her the
time of day."
"Baby, she needs you."
"And I needed her. I needed my mother to be strong and save me all those years ago, but
instead I had to save myself. I am more concerned about the dirt on my shoes than I ever
will be about her and her needs."
"Fine, then I'll go alone. I really thought you would have been the bigger person in this
Keagan... I really did."
I tried to find something to say, but I was too in awe that he had the audacity to even say
that to me. He knows nothing of the hell and torture I went through in that house.
"You're not going there alone." I said finally. I felt sick to my stomach, but there was no
telling what kind of brain washing my mother would do to him. If he were going to see my
world, he would get the grand tour through me. Not that fake smile baring woman.
"So you'll go with me?" He asked, and I just nodded before stripping out of my clothing and
getting into some dry ones. "Please don't be mad at me Keagan, I just couldn't tell her no."
"Nope, we're good." I said, trying to hide how angry I really was. I knew he thought this was
for the best, but I was beyond ready to show him how wrong he was.
"You sure? You don't sound like you really mean that..."
"Yeah I'm positive. If you want to see my childhood so bad, then I'll show you it. Just don't
say I didn't warn you." I climbed back into bed, not wanting to be conscious for any longer
than I had to be now. I knew Jamison probably wasn't tired, but I didn't care. He was the
least of my concerns now, but he climbed into bed with me and snuggled himself as close as
he possibly could.
I wrapped my arm around him loosely and just laid there quietly. My body was exhausted
but my mind just wouldn't shut up long enough to let me actually relax.
I was finally going home, and there was nothing I could do about it.
 BOSTON

Jamison
I never meant to make Keagan so upset. I swear that wasn't my intention at all. But what
could I do? I did what I always do, and that's just doing what seems/feels right. Keagan was
one of the most stubborn people in the world, but I couldn't let him back down from this.
This was his biological family that needed him, and I just couldn't let him walk away from
it.
Yes, it's actually none of my business but Keagan is my business and if he heard the way his
mother was pleading to him I think he would have changed his mind. But I can't know that
for sure. I don't know much of anything about his childhood. He never mentioned details
and I never asked him to. All I did know was that it was bad. Pretty fucking bad. And I
understood him not wanting to elaborate; but his lack of doing so has made this journey of
ours happen.
My heart broke for him, watching his hands tremble and his foot tap against the floor of the
plane. I could almost feel his anxiety. And like I said, I never meant for this. But deep down,
I knew that he would regret it if he didn't go. It would be the last time he ever saw his dad.
No matter what happened in the past, this was his dad, and he was asking for him. All he
wanted was to see his son before it was too late.
In other circumstances I would agree with my boyfriend, but this was an extreme situation
and we were making the best of it. I mean, his mom did pay for the flight because she was
so desperate for him to come over there.
"Are you hungry? Thirsty? I have a few snacks in my bag."
Keagan shook his head and cracked his knuckles. I hated seeing him like this.
"You haven't drank anything since yesterday baby, please just have some water. It's still
nice and cold."
I opened the lid and handed it to him, and he reluctantly took it. I was glad that he didn't
take half a sip and hand it back to me; he must have really been thirsty because he gulped
down quite a bit.
"Thanks Jamie."
I smiled softly and rested my head on his shoulder. He was always so warm and
comfortable to lay on. I knew that I wasn't his favorite person right now, but he wasn't
acting like he was angry or upset anymore, he was just going with whatever was happening
at the moment.
The plane jerked and he grabbed my hand; and in a sick twisted way it made me happy
because he needed me for that one moment. I mean, I knew that he needed me just as much
as I needed him. And I was way past all of the insecurities I once had, but it still felt nice to
have him be needy at times. Most of the time it was me who was overly affectionate and
wanted to cuddle and things like that. But when he made the cute comments and initiated
snuggles it was the best feeling. I think he knew it too.
"We're almost there, we're getting lower," he said as he looked out of the window.
Of course I let him have the window seat, he loved it.
"Oh good. I need to stretch my legs a bit," I said as I tried to stretch them out in my seat.
The flight wasn't long at all, but sitting in the same spot in such a small area took its toll on
my body, especially because I had awkwardly long legs for my height.
We waited patiently for the next few minutes as our plane landed and everyone had exited.
We both only brought one carryon bag so we didn't have to endure the hassle that was the
baggage claim. So after we got ourselves situated we called a cab to get to our next
destination.
Keagan cleared his throat.
"Are we going to a hospital or... the house?"
The fact that he said 'the house' instead of 'my house' was very unsettling. He was so
disconnected to his family. I couldn't imagine what that must be like. I was blessed to have
a positive upbringing. I just really wished that Keagan could have as well. He deserved so
much better than this.
"Um. She said that he wanted to be at home when the time came. So I'm assuming the
house. I could call and find out-"
Keagan's face made me stop my sentence. He looked like he was going to burst into tears. I
grabbed his hand and put my other hand on his cheek.
"Hey hey what's wrong baby?"
Keagan bit his lip and shook his head.
"God. I hoped I wouldn't ever have to go back. The bastard is still torturing me. He chose
this on purpose. He's a fucking monster."
I was so confused. But just from looking at his face I knew it was way worse than I had
originally thought.
"What do you mean Keagan?" I asked as sincerely as I could.
I felt for him I really did. I felt his pain, it was radiating off of him.
"So much as happened in that house Jamie. You don't understand. I'd rather jump off a cliff
than go there. If he's so sick why isn't he in the hospital? Is he even sick? Is this a sick
fucking game to them I don't get it."
"Baby no, no they aren't lying. Your mother sounded very serious. I couldn't imagine this
being a trick. She said that its stage IV brain cancer and he has less than a month to live.
That it could be any day now..."
Keagan grabbed at his shoulders and took in a breath. "I wish that day was yesterday. I
know it sounds terrible but I mean it."
As the cab pulled up, I tried to think quickly on my feet.
"Baby why don't we check into a hotel and just collect ourselves for an hour or two? We
don't need to go to the house right away. How does that sound?"
He relaxed his shoulders and nodded his head.
"That sounds good. I like that idea."
When he grabbed my hand to hold it, my heart melted a little bit. As much as he hated me
for doing this to him, he still cared and he still wanted to hold my hand and make me feel
special. And at that moment, I knew I was falling so hard for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keagan and I checked into a nice hotel that was about 2 miles away from the house he grew
up in.
Unfortunately he didn't seem any less anxiety-ridden than before. He was still nervous and
antsy.
I suggested that we take a short nap together but he refused. He said he couldn't even
believe he got any sleep last night. All he could think about was what was happening. I
didn't blame him, but I was worried.
I put my bag next to Keagans and sat at the edge of the hotel bed.
It wasn't as comfy as our bed, but it was close. I wasn't sure if we would stay the night, but
we had to pay for the whole day/night so it didn't matter if we had to.
I was hoping that by some miracle everything would go smoothly and we would be staying
at Keagan's... but it did not look like that was going to be the case.
Keagan sat down next to me and kept his hands in his lap as he looked at his feet. I wasn't
sure what to do, so I just stayed sitting next to him and offered my hand; which he took.
He took in a deep breath before words came out of his mouth.
"He used to put his hands on my mom. For no reason, for any reason. When I was younger I
didn't understand it really. But once I got a little older I realized he was beating on her. And
when I got fed up with it I- I stood up for her. I told my dad he was no man for hitting her.
That he had no right to put his hands on her like that. And then... he stopped beating her.
And started beating me. Every fucking day. When he got home from work he'd just have it
out with me. Slapped me, punched me, kicked me. Everything. Broke my ribs, fractured my
arm; you name it. And to make it worse, my mother blamed me. Blamed me. Said I made
him angry. Said I should have just kept my mouth shut. She just stood there and watched
him hurt me day after day saying absolutely nothing to defend me. So..So that's why I was
fucked up for so long Jamison. I never knew what love was because I was never taught what
it meant. I never knew. I never knew anything other than that for so long so I had to get
away from it. And I never looked back."
I couldn't stop myself from crying during this confession of his. Oh my god. Oh my fucking
god.
The lump in my throat felt so heavy. I couldn't say anything.
All I could do was just hold him and rock him. What could I do?
And what kind of monster was I for making him relive this all over again?
 CLUMSY BOY

Keagan
I knew that I couldn't waste anymore time sitting in the hotel room. Well... I could. I was a
grown ass man, and I didn't fucking have to do this, but if I didn't go Jamison would on his
own, and I wasn't about to let my mom brainwash him like she did with all my teachers and
child protective services. So I had to suck it up and go.
It was nice to get all of that shit off my chest with Jamie, what felt even better was when he
cried. I fucking told him I didn't want to go, so now that we're here I was going to rub his
nose into this hell hole he made me come back too. If there was ever a chance to teach him
to keep his nose out of things like this, now was the time. And trust me, I know I'm not the
easiest to talk too, but he just took the initiative and decided for me and then twisted my
arm into going. I know he wasn't doing this in a malicious way, I know he thinks this is for
the best and that I need closure, but now I'm stuck with this shit sandwich and I fucking
refuse to eat it alone.
I know that makes me sound terrible, and that I should put on my big boy pants and deal,
but I have no idea if Jamison and I are a forever thing like we're hoping or if this is just a
college relationship. But if there is one thing I will teach this precious sheltered boy it will
be that not everything can be fixed and sometimes you just have to let broken things stay
broken.
"We need to get this over with." I took a deep breath before taking Jamison's hand in my
own. "But I have to make a short stop before we do. Is that cool?"
"Yeah of course." He said and squeezed my hand. Though I'm sure he meant to do that in a
reassuring way, it just made me feel worse. I could feel my stomach churning, because even
though I knew my father couldn't hurt me anymore, I knew that the walls I built to protect
me from those memories would be torn down as soon as I see that fucking house.
I didn't tell Jamison where we were stopping first, and I think I thoroughly confused him
after I bought a small bouquet of roses in the hotel gift shop. We had to take a taxi to where
we were headed, but luckily the cab driver said he'd wait free of charge and gave his
condolences to us both which just completely threw Jamie off as well until he actually
looked around.
"Why are we here?" He asked, keeping his voice down as I led the way.
"Well... I didn't want to let this trip be a huge waste of our time... So I thought I'd bring you
here to meet someone special to me." I said before stopping in front of the modest head
stone I was all too familiar with. "Jamie, this is Jana. She's the only reason I made it long
enough to meet you."
Jamie looked up at me as if I had set the sun on fire myself before wrapping an arm around
my waist.
"I hope she knows how grateful I am for her too then." He said as he rested his head against
my chest. I really wish they could have met instead of him meeting my shitty ass biological
family. It would have been a far better experience.
After a few more moments of silence, I laid the flowers I had bought down and pulled Jamie
away. I honestly could have stayed there all day, but that would have defeated the purpose
and probably really would have creeped Jamie out.
The cab ride to my parents house... Well trailer wasn't nearly long enough to let me calm
my nerves, and as soon as we pulled in front of the trailer park entrance I had to tell the
driver to stop and handed Jamison my wallet so he could pay and I could throw up outside.
It was embarrassing to say the least, and Jamison only made it worse when he started
rubbing my back. He just wanted to help and try to make things better in this mess he
made, so I let him.
I don't know why him comforting me made me feel so shitty. It's supposed to help isn't it? It
just made me feel weak though, it made me feel so out of control of myself. Before now my
Dad was the only one who ever made me feel that way... But they were for totally different
reasons, so why?
Once my practically empty stomach finished emptying out whatever was sticking around, I
took the water bottle Jamison had with him and cleaned out the nasty taste that resided.
"So which one is it?" Jamison asked as he looked at the beaten down lot of mobile homes. I
could see the look in his eyes too, the "this is so sad" look all my friends in high school gave
me once they found out that this is where I lived.
"It's in the back. C'mon." I said as I led the way, carefully stepping around the holes, toys,
and the occasional neglected child until I saw the woman standing in front of the house,
waving excitedly at us.
"It's okay babe..." Jamison said as we neared the house. "You got this."
I sighed and tried to calm my shaking hands. Every memory was flooding back just as I
thought it would as I looked at my mothers face and the house behind her; and the closer I
got the harder it was to breathe.
"Nathaniel!" She screeched as she ran up to me, throwing her arms around me. My body
froze all movement and though I wanted to shove her away from me I just couldn't move to
do anything. "Oh my god. It's been so long, you're so much taller now... Take off those sun
glasses so I can see your face!"
I looked at the woman as if she had six heads. Did she really think this was going to be a
pleasant reunion?
When I didn't move or respond she turned her attention to Jamison, who I let introduce
himself and they spoke while I looked at the double wide. It definitely looked the same
other than the few age weathered areas. It seriously felt as if I were in a nightmare now,
one that I've had a thousand times; but this time I wouldn't be waking up safely in my own
bed seven hundred miles away...
I felt a small hand on my back that broke me from my trance, thankfully it was my
boyfriends because I don't know what I would have done if my mother were touching me
again. I'll probably have to toss these clothes just to get rid of the feeling of her on me again.
"You ready to go in?" He asked, and I nodded, took off my glasses, and followed him inside.
This time I needed his hand though, I desperately needed it to guide me through that
fucking door because I don't think I'd be able to walk in on my own.
"Your Dad is getting cleaned up now," I heard my moms voice but I couldn't decipher
where it was coming from; but then again, I could hardly see the room in front of me with
this tunnel vision. "So he might be a few minutes, his nurse will come out when he's ready
to see you. Just make yourselves comfortable."
Jamison led me over to the couch and while he sat down in an actual seat, I settled for
sitting on the arm rest beside him.
"So..." He said, keeping his voice quiet. I didn't respond though, I didn't have it in me. I just
sat there and tried to breathe. The walls were the same nasty cigarette stained white, there
were all the usual holes in the wall (some plastered, some still wide open), and much to my
surprise there were blank spaces on the walls where pictures used to hang. Maybe my dad
broke them all, I don't know. I mean the majority of them didn't even have me in them, but
then I laid my eyes on an old scrapbook so I got up and grabbed it. I held the ugly orange
book in my hands for a minute before handing it to Jamison and taking my seat again.
"What-"
"Just flip through it. It'll kill some time." I said, finally feeling some composure within
myself.
Now I won't lie and say every picture in that dusty abandoned piece of shit was terrible, but
the pictures of me with a black eye, or a broken arm, or gashes in noticeable areas
definitely stuck out to Jamison.
"He was such a clumsy boy..." I looked up at my mom in disbelief.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked, and Jamison put his hand on my knee. I knew he was
probably telling me not to worry about what she said, but it was too late for that. "He's... He
can't hurt you anymore, and you're still fucking covering for him?"
She looked at me blankly before drying her hands on her jeans. I was so used to that look
still. The vacant eyes and the clear need to avoid any subject that may cause controversy.
"He makes it sound like living here was so awful. As if he wasn't provided for and-"
"He's ready." I clenched my first to stop myself from saying anything too hateful to my bitch
of a mother and turned to see a small woman standing by my fathers door. "You guys can
come in now, but he's pretty delicate and we have to try to keep him calm. Too much
stimulation could be detrimental to him. "
Him? Delicate? Are they serious?
I took a deep breath and got up; Jamison followed me, but I stopped him at the door and
kissed his forehead.
"I got this." I said, barely above a whisper. "I'll let you know if I need you in there okay?" He
nodded in response and let me go in.
My skin crawled at the thought of having to speak to him, the thought of him possibly
expecting to reconcile, it was just all too much. But then I saw him, his skin was pale, his
eyes were sunken in, and his once thick hair was almost completely gone. I didn't feel bad
though, no. I don't really think I felt anything at all for him. He deserved this and so much
more; he was such a Goliath of a man back then, and now he was barely even a shell of that.
"Are you going to say anything? Or are you just going to stand there and look like a fucking
idiot?"
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, keeping my voice as even as I could.
"I wanted to see my damn son. See what kind of man I raised." I looked at him to see if he
was serious or not, but of course he was. My dad didn't joke. "Who is out there?"
I looked to where my dad was looking to see my boyfriend head peeking just barely around
the corner.
"Oh, him? That's my boyfriend." I said with a smirk and a new found confidence in myself.
"Say that again?" He asked, clearly rhetorically as he sat up more.
"Boy. Friend." I enunciated slowly. "His name is Jamison, would you like to meet him too?"
The look on his face was priceless. The way his natural grimace turned into a scowl was the
perfect reaction.
"No son of mine is a faggot." He spat and I laughed, which only upset him more.
"What Dad? What's wrong? Am I not the man you thought your years of abuse would turn
me out to be?"
"You're just confused."
"It's okay Dad, I understand that one of the final stages in grief is denial. Hey, if you're still
around do you want an invitation to our wedding?"
"Get out. Get the fuck out of my house." I saw him reach for his glass but he was too weak to
pick it up so he just hit it off the table causing it to shatter all over the floor.
"It was nice seeing you too, Dad." I laughed and turned just as the nurse and my mother
rushed back in.
"You're going to burn in hell." He shouted... Or at least attempted too.
"Yeah? Well save us a seat." I said over my shoulder before actually leaving his room.
Jamison looked at me with wide eyes before I kissed him quickly and led him out of the
hallway and back to the living room.
"You couldn't have just kept your mouth shut this once? Just this fucking once?" I turned
around again for the umpteenth time and faces my mom. "All he wanted was to see you, to
know we didn't completely fail as parents."
"Well I hope he found the peace of mind he needed." Jamison chimed in. "Your son is an
amazing man who I have gotten the sheer pleasure of knowing. If he's too dense to look
past me and to see all the things his son has done for himself, then that's his problem. Not
ours."
My mother looked at Jamison with just as much shock as I did, but I nodded.
"This was a one time thing." I said, taking my boyfriends hand in my own and squeezing it
in thanks. "Don't ever call me or him again."
I could see the tears forming in her eyes, and maybe I felt a little pity for her... But not
enough to make any difference.
So we left, and a part of me kind of wished my mom would have just tried to talk to me
again. That something would have broke inside of her and that she would reach out to me
solely because she didn't want to lose her son for good. But she didn't, and that hurt worse
than anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we got back to the hotel Jamison asked if I wanted to stay here or if I wanted to see if
we could arrange for an earlier flight; and though I wanted to get the fuck out of here, I
knew my limits and today was far too exhausted to even think about the airport right now.
"You know what I think is cute?" Jamison asked as I pulled my shower stuff out of my bag.
"Hmm?"
"That when you're here you get this faint Boston accent."
"Do I now?" I laughed. "The ah weatha outsides aaaah lookin pretty nice huh? Why-ah don't
you and I go to the paahk?" I said coating on the accent as thickly as I could.
"Ooh! Say it again!" Jamison giggled and I just rolled my eyes playfully.
"I'm gonna go take a shower, I need to wash the stench of that house off me."
"Alright babe, take your time. But when you get out I want to hear more."
I sighed and shook my head before grabbing one of the body towels and heading into the
bathroom. Once I got my clothes off I debated pretty harshly on whether or not they were
worth keeping, because honestly they'd just be a reminder of today. But... Throwing away
perfectly good clothes was a huge waste. So instead I settled with shoving the clothes in
one of the dirty laundry bags they had and tossed it to the side.
My shower was extra hot, and I had to scrub extra hard to get that gross feeling off of me.
I tried keeping my thoughts elsewhere during the shower but I failed immensely.
Everything just went straight back to my mom... I mean... Why wouldn't she protect me?
Why wouldn't she just take me away? For years she was the one making the money... She
had the better paying job, we could have ran, but I guess she didn't love me enough for that.
At least I knew where I stood with my dad. I knew that he would never change, and that
there was no chance of reconciliation. She had a chance though, but just like all of her
chances to save me... I just wasn't worth it too her. Not even when my Dad was going to be
out of the picture...
I could feel my chest tightening and my eyes watering, so I shut off the water and wrapped
the towel around my waist.
There was no reason to wallow in things I can't change when I had a more than loving and
caring boyfriend waiting for me in the next room.
"Hey babe, can you hand me my-" I stopped mid sentence at the sight in front of me.
"Your what?" Jamison asked coyly as he got off the bed and walked over to me. I couldn't
help but smile in awe at my boyfriend. From the looks of it he was just wearing one of my
shirts, and clutched in his hand was a small bottle which was clearly lube of some sort.
"I-I uh... I was going to ask you to hand me my boxers." I stammered as Jamie got closer to
me.
"Now why would you want those?" He asked, slipping a finger from his free hand down the
front of my towel; giving it a playful tug before looking up at me. "You did phenomenal
today Keagan, and I am so sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you didn't want to
come back here..." He bit his lip as he toyed with the hem of my towel. "I don't want this trip
to be something completely negative for you, and... Well, I was thinking maybe tonight
could be the night?"
The pout on his lips was irresistible, and was already working on me; but I didn't want him
to feel like he had to do this. I wasn't mad at him anymore, I just wanted to forget.
"Jamie, I don't want you to feel like you have to do this for me..."
"I don't." He grinned. "I bought this-" he opened the bottle of lube and squirted some in his
hand before tugging my towel off. "The day before your mother called, I was just looking for
the right time to bring it up."
He stood on his tippy toes and kissed me before grasping my semi hard cock with his lube
covered hand.
"Jesus Christ Jamison." I grunted and he just pecked me again and continued to stroke my
now fully hardened dick. "Shouldn't I, uh... Prep you first."
The smirk on Jamison's face was amazing. It was dirty and mischievous and entirely too
sexy.
"I did that while you were in the shower." I almost came right there and then. A nerd like
him shouldn't be allowed to be that hot. "So what do you say? Can I finally experience the
Almighty Keagan I've been told so much about?"
I tried speaking, I really did. I don't think I've ever been speechless before... Usually I can
struggle through sentences, but he completely floored me.
"I'll take that as a yes?" He said and I nodded before picking him up and carrying back to
the bed.
Hey, I might be at a loss for words, but I can promise you my actions spoke louder than
anything I could ever say would have.
 ROLE REVERSED

Jamison
I didn't think that I would go through with my "plan" to seduce Keagan. I mean, of course I
thought it over. I realized that he was in a bad way and that it could possibly be the last
thing on his mind. But nothing stopped me from doing it because it just so happened to fell
more right than it ever could.
Sure there were a handful of times when he and I were snuggling up on my bed when I
wanted him to make the first move and try to go a little further with me. And I was very
surprised that it took so long for us to get to that point- but I was glad that it was me who
decided to step up and take the control for once.
I swear there was this electricity between us when we made love. I felt it, and I knew he did
too. His whole body was glistening with sweat, and my body shook with every one of his
movements. It was almost like an out of body experience; like the first time.
It was too bad that we couldn't be each others' firsts. Because I think that it would have
been really something special. But it didn't matter; it was still special, at least I'm sure it
was to me. He was an amazing lover, he just... knew what to do. I nearly lost it when he
sunk his teeth ever so gently into the skin on my chest while he was on top of me. My nails
dug into his back when he lightly tugged at my hair. He was so passionate and I couldn't get
enough of it. So naturally there was a second and third round that followed.
The circumstances we were in now kind of sucked. We were about to head back to school
after a hordendous visit to Keagan's house. All my fault. I had no idea what I was in store
for, and I was fairly warned. So now we just had to move on from it, and I knew that it
would be way easier for me than it would be for my boyfriend. And I was prepared for that.
________
Keagan and I were doing pretty much ok for the most part after a few days of being back at
school. He was trying to be his usual self, but it was hard. He was more dependent on me
and more of a mush than he's ever been, which of course I didn't mind.
I thought that maybe he was being like that because of our recent sexual encounter but
deep down I knew he wasn't the type to change after sex. It was because of all the hurtful
garbage that his "father" spat at him on his death bed.
The words that were spoken still haunt me, and they would for a while if not forever. I
finally understood why Keagan was the way that he was for a long time and I do not blame
him one bit.
"Jamie why are you taking so long, please come and lay here with me!" Keagan playfully
whined from our bed.
I bit my lip and looked over to him. He looked so cute all snuggled up on the bed by himself.
"I have to study babe! I'll be there soon I promise. Did you pick out a movie yet?"
I turned the page of my biology book and highlighted the titles of each section.
"But your test isn't until Thursday and it's only Tuesday. Come on just take a break and get
over here. I want you to help me decide between two movies. They're both so good."
I smirked at him as I marked my page and closed the book. How could I deny him of my
affection when he needed me the most?
He smiled at me when I all but pounced on him. I couldn't help it. He was so adorable and
needy. It was a very big change and I loved it.
Keagan kissed my cheek and wrapped his arm around me so we could be as close as
possible.
"So I have men in black and super troopers. Both comedies. Very different but equally
awesome. Which one is it gonna be babe?"
I never saw super troopers, but I didn't want him to think I was 100% lame. But I also
wanted to bond with him, so maybe he would like it to watch it with me. Or he would make
fun of me and call me a loser. Either one.
"Well. I actually have never seen super troopers soo-"
His face was priceless.
"Are you kidding me Jamie!" He almost screamed. "It's so funny. Like, you'll die the whole
time I promise. That's it we're watching it. Put it in!"
He was too cute sometimes. I kissed him once before I put the DVD into his laptop. We were
poor college kids so we didn't have an actual DVD player, but Keagan had one of those giant
laptop screens so it worked out just fine.
And Keagan was right, the movie was hilarious. The humor was mostly dumb humor that I
wouldn't normally find funny, but just hearing Keagan die laughing was enough to make me
love the movie. It wasn't bad at all, besides that one part where the camera seems to zoom
in on the bare ass of the fattest officer.
"Good choice baby it was so funny," I said as I sat up into a different position.
"I'm glad you liked it Jamie, you can pick out the next one if you want," he said with a smile.
I felt so bad that I had to say no to this one.
"Babe I really have to study. I want to do well on this test so I don't have to kill myself
studying for the next one. Don't worry, I'll have so much time over the weekend to spend
with you."
Keagan looked like a sad puppy.
"But you can study tomorrow while I'm in class. Please Jamie I don't want you to get up. I
like you here right next to me. I don't want you to leave."
And then it dawned on me that Keagan wasn't just talking about leaving right now. He
meant leaving in general. Which I 200% was not and I thought he knew that.
I turned to him and grabbed his face and held it gently in my hands.
"Keagan, don't you worry about one thing, ok? I'm going to bring my books over here and
study on the bed. You can put your headphones in and watch whatever you want, and when
I'm finished we can watch something together before we go to bed. How does that sound?"
Just seeing my boyfriends face literally switch from upset to happy made me feel like I was
doing something right.
"That sounds good baby, thank you. I know I'm not the easiest person to be dealing with
right now so-"
I stopped him with my lips on his.
"Excuse me, you are not hard to 'deal' with. You're my boyfriend and I love you and I'm
going to do anything and everything in my power to make sure you're happy and well
taken care of. Understand?"
I had 0 idea where my so called apparent dominance came from but I was feeling it so I just
went with it.
And again Keagan smiled my favorite smile.
"Understood babe. I love you too," he said with a mischievous smirk. "Now go get your
books and hurry up so I can have you all to myself!"
 SHUT IT!

Keagan
I hated feeling this way. I hated feeling so useless without my tiny boyfriend by me. It had
gotten to the point to where him being in the shower felt like too much for me handle...
Right now I was sitting outside of his classroom, waiting patiently for him. I refused to
bother him while he was in class, but I also didn't trust myself alone in my room not to get
too deep into my own thoughts. Anytime I did that in the past resulted in me drinking and
making life ten times harder for myself, so it was just safe to avoid any alone time that I
could. I had called my therapist lady and asked for more appointments, but she was gone
for the next few weeks. Of course, the one time seeing her would actually be super
beneficial, she had to be away to deal with family business. The lady at the front desk
offered to schedule me with somebody else in the mean time, but that just seemed like way
to much to deal with. I didn't want to have to make someone else understand me again. My
lady already did, and no one else would do.
Jamison and I even exchanged an "I love you" the other day and it didn't phase me. Normal
Keagan might have run for the hills, or would have caused a ruckus of some sorts. Maybe
the Keagan before the trip would have said it back or would have told Jamison that he
wasn't ready... I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just didn't want Jamison to
go away, so I said it back without thinking twice about it... And that made me feel guilty. It's
not that I don't have strong feelings for him; I just don't know if what I'm feeling is love or
just general need for him right now.
"Babe?" I looked up from picking at the skin on my finger and smiled at my boyfriend.
"What are you still doing here? Don't you have class?" I shook my head and took his books
from him before holding out my other hand for him to take.
"Nah, no class today, but I do have class tomorrow." Though that was true, I didn't feel any
less pathetic. But he just smiled and took the lead out of the building.
"So you just waited out here?"
"Yeah, I didn't have anything better to do, so I figured why not?" I said before tugging him
closer to me. The more he asked about me standing out in the hall for an hour and a half
made me realize just how fucking sad and weak I was becoming.
This wasn't me, or... Well, this hasn't been me in a very long time. I was usually so good at
masking pain with sarcasm or just being a dick in general. But that would push Jamison
away, and then what would I be left with? A bigger hole inside of me? At least Jamison was
trying to mend me instead of just filling it. I just hate actually having to deal with shit I had
already tried to put to rest.
I couldn't blame Jamison for making me dig it all back up anymore though. He didn't know.
He sure as hell knows now, and maybe hopefully he'll drop it from here on out when I tell
him too, but we all know him. So now he and I were just going to have to deal with the
consequences of all that.
When we got back to our room I threw myself on our bed and groaned loudly. I didn't mean
to groan as loud as I did, but it felt good afterwards at least.
"Keagan..." Jamison said from across the room. I peeked over at him to see him pulling out
one of my shirts to wear, which of course made me smile, but the tone in his voice was still
pretty offsetting. "It's been almost two weeks since we got home babe, and you haven't said
a word about what happened..."
"Nothing happened?" I chuckled. "Well nothing I didn't expect to happen happened, so
there's really nothing to talk about." He stood there and looked at me in disbelief, as if I
were so dense that I didn't notice my own complete personality change. But he thought my
problem was with my father, with those nasty and hurtful words he said, when in reality it
wasn't.
I wonder if he believed that I needed all this extra affection because of how cruel and
heartless my father was. I mean that would make the most sense, right? Maybe if I just
played it off like that then he wouldn't ever question anything else. Hopefully he thinks that
once my father dies then I'll have all the closure I need. Then I would never have to
confront these thoughts of my mom again. I could close this book for good.
The likelihood of that happening is pretty slim though.
"Alright. Fine, whatever." He said, and I really wish he didn't say it the way he did. It was
dismissive almost; which just brought back even more cringe worthy thoughts of my
mother. God she would say that same fucking sentence whenever I would need something.
As if I were some burden she didn't ask for, and then when I would get home I'd get the shit
beaten out of me for inconveniencing them.
I took a deep breath and smiled, shaking the thoughts from me quickly before I caved and
talked about them.
"Jamie baby, don't be like that. There's really nothing to talk about. You were there, you
saw what happened. What more is there to talk about?"
"I don't know, Keagan. Maybe the way it made you feel, maybe not even your dad! You
never told me the extent of your mothers-"
"Are you really going to make me relive this again?" I snapped. "I thought once would have
been enough for you."
The look on his face broke my heart. I didn't mean to snap at him, I really didn't. But he was
pushing me over the edge with all this reliving bullshit. I mean he fucking apologized for
making me go through that once, I would have thought he actually meant it.
"You're right, I'm sorry. Forget I asked." He said, barely above a whisper and he turned his
back to me as he pulled off the shirt and pants he was wearing before replacing them with
my shirt.
"Jamie, come here." I sighed, sitting up and hanging my legs off the side of the bed so I could
pull him to me. I knew once I saw his eyes that he was on the verge of crying, so I pulled
him closer and he took the initiative to straddle my hips. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap..."
"No you were right." He sighed as he looked up to blink the tears away. "I already did this to
you once, and that was hell. So it's not fair of me to make you do it again and again and
again. I need to learn to just take no as an answer."
"You really do." I laughed as I ran my fingers through his hair. I liked when it was this
length, it had grown out some since we cut it, but it looked really nice, like how it looked
when I met him the first time.
"I just... I don't want you to hurt anymore. I just want you to be happy."
"I am happy." I smiled and rubbed my hands up and down his thighs. "I have you, I'm
getting my life back on track, and I have you. What more could I need?"
"I don't know..." He sighed. "Something isn't okay though, I can tell when I look at you when
you're not paying attention. I just want you to be smiling all the time."
"Of course something isn't okay babe; nothing's ever going to be one hundred percent okay
with me... But I'll get somewhere close to there? I just need time, you know? Time to forget
and cope in my own way. You just have to stop picking at my scabs okay?"
He looked down as if he were ashamed with himself. He shouldn't be, I mean yeah its
fucking annoying, but he's just trying to do me some good, and who knows, maybe his way
would actually fix me. But I wasn't willing to figure that out. I didn't have the time, patience
or desire to be a wreck again.
Before I used sex and alcohol to fill whatever void was in me, and now I had him. He
seemed like a way healthier alternative or at least way healthier for my liver at least.
"Hey, stop with that pout. You did what you thought was best, and maybe I needed this in
the long haul. Quit beating yourself up over it, okay?" He nodded but he still looked sad so I
kissed his nose.
"I really am sorry Keagan. I just, I don't know how you could let all those things he said just
slide off your back like that..." He said as he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged
me tightly.
"Did you need to talk about what happened?" I asked as I carefully slid my hand up the back
of "his" shirt and rubbed his bare skin softly.
"It's just... He didn't even say gay; he just jumped straight to faggot. Like that was the most
disgusting outcome an abused kid who could have lived on the streets for the rest of his life
could have faced. I mean for fucks sake you could have been a prostitute, or a heroin addict,
or ended up in jail! But you being okay didn't matter! He just zeroed in on you having a
boyfriend and then basically wrote you off!"
"Yeah, I was there." I laughed. "I know what happened, but why are you so bothered by it?"
"Well... Because I'm a fucking catch! He didn't even give me a chance either; he basically just
damned us both and sent us on our way." I laughed even harder at this, because I couldn't
tell if Jamison was kidding or if he really just turned my tragic childhood into something
about himself.
"You are a fucking catch baby." I cooed as I cupped his bum. "And you have the most
incredible butt I've ever had the pleasure of touching. My dad doesn't know what he's
missing out on."
"Wait, what?" Jamison laughed. "I don't ever want your dad to know what he was missing
out on!"
"Yeah me either, this right here-" I said before squeezing his butt again. "Is all mine."
"Mmh, you think so?" He asked and I raised my eyebrow.
"It better be!"
"Hmm I don't know..." He giggled and elongated the "o" in know. "I mean, he's been pretty
lonely lately." I bit my bottom lip as I watched Jamie trace a little circle against my chest.
"Are you really speaking for your ass in third person, Jamison?"
"Well he can't speak for himself!" He laughed and of course I laughed along before giving
him a chaste kiss.
"Well, how about your butt and I make acquaintances again later. I would like to just kiss
your face for a while... That sound okay?"
He nodded happily before knocking me over and kissing me. There was nothing romantic
about it, they were all just awkward but fun kisses. He also didn't ask me anything or even
speak of the trip for the rest of the night either. That may have been because as soon as I
had my fill of kisses, we jumped straight into the good stuff, but I really do think he and I
might have made a break through.
But again, that was probably just more wishful thinking on my part; which really started to
scare me all over again. I'm supposed to be able to tell Jamison everything, but he could be
such a loose cannon sometimes.
If I told him that the thing with my mom was what was bothering me most, then he would
probably make me go seek out answers. Or even worse he would do it himself... I mean I
know he's trying not to be so nosey, but he can't help himself so that would be the best
outcome I could hope for if I told him.
I could feel these thoughts starting to get heavier in my mind and I really needed them to
stop. Maybe he and I needed space? Fuck I can't even bring that up, we just started dating...
Fake my own death for a little while? No. Shit. That's just cruel. I don't know!
I felt Jamison's finger stabbing into my side so I looked down at him and forced a smile.
"I don't like that face." He said, propping himself up on his elbow. "You've been too quiet."
"Just thinking." I chuckled before kissing the tip of his nose. "What are you thinking about
doing at the end of this semester? I mean it will be spring break so..."
"I don't know yet, I was thinking about going back home." I nodded in response and heard a
small sigh come from him once the room fell silent again.
"What?" I asked, trying not to laugh at how cute his annoyance with me was getting. I didn't
mean to be so half hearted with these conversations, but I just couldn't seem to calm this
storm in my head.
"I mean, you ask me what I'm doing and I say I might be leaving so... All I get is a head nod?"
"Well what did you want me to say?" I laughed finally. "Oh Jamison! Please don't go!"
Jamison rolled his eyes and laid back down. "No. But I also wasn't expecting you to be a
douche either."
"Then what would you have wanted me to say?"
"I don't know!" He groaned. "Something would have been better than nothing!"
"I'm sorry." I sighed.
"For what exactly?" He said, raising his eyebrow expectantly.
"For being a douche?"
"Are you really sorry? Or do you just want me to shut up?"
"Maybe a little bit of both...?"
Jamison sighed and rolled over so he was facing away from me, and that stung, but I totally
deserved it.
"Look, I know this is a tough time for you, but I can't help pull you out of it if you don't let
me... Maybe you should come with me over the break? We can actually go to the beach and
enjoy the water this time?"
"Why would you want me to go with you? I mean, like you said, I was just a total douche..."
"Well, if you thought I was dating you because I thought you were a "nice guy" then you
might want to get yourself checked babe." He giggled. "I fell for you for very different
reasons than that. So just think about it okay?"
"But why?" I groaned. "Why would you want a miserable asshole to go with you on a trip to
see your family and friends?"
"Because I love you. Do I really need any other reason than that?" He chuckled and I just...
Ugh, I was exhausted. Just hearing that sentence literally exhausted my mind. "Now, let's
try to get some sleep? One more day until the weekend and then we can do whatever you
want."
"Okay." I sighed, pulling him flush against my body. I had forgotten that we were naked
before doing that, so feeling him squirm against me made me laugh and hold him tighter
against me. "Whoops sorry."
"Mmh, don't start something you're not ready to finish." I felt my stomach tighten at the
way he said it. His usual high voice just a little bit lower and completely filled with
suggestive tones. I loved it.
"That's not fair Jamie." I laughed. "You can't just-"
"Oh can't I?" He interrupted as he backed his ass back against my crotch just barely enough
to make contact with my dick, causing a world of trouble for myself down there. "G'night
baby."
"No way," I groaned against his shoulder. "Don't leave me hanging like this!"
"You know I could never do that to you." He rolled over and smiled at me. "You're too
whiney."
I let that one slide, but only because he was already kissing his way down my stomach
before I could reply.
I don't think I would ever understand the dynamics of Jamison as my boyfriend. Sometimes
he was shy, sometimes he was pushy and kind of an ass, and then there were times like
these where he was just beyond sexy. He was excruciatingly hard to keep up with, but I'm
sure as simple as I thought I was... Well, I couldn't be easy either.
But I really didn't want to think about that now, thinking about the foundations and the
future of a relationship wasn't really a blow job thought topic and I really wasn't trying to
explain that it wasn't Jamison's fault if my dick went limp, so I pushed all the thoughts out
of my head and focused on my boyfriend's head bobbing over my crotch.
Marveling at the way Jamison's small mouth attempted to envelope my entire cock, I had to
applaud him on his determination. Most other people I had been with would have just paid
attention to what they could fit in, but Jamison... No, my boyfriend was a trooper, he gave
every inch of me the attention it craved; either with his hand or with teasing kisses, he
never let anything go too long without being touched in one way or another. So it was a
miracle that I lasted as long as I did, but he didn't mind... So maybe this was love? No, that
just didn't sound right. You can't base affection off of how well someone can suck your dick
can you?
Now I just sounded like a sex crazed maniac. Maybe I'd find out one day what it meant, I
mean, I could really only hope that I did, but I also really hoped that Jamison would be the
one to teach me. I don't think I could put up with another human again like I did with him.
 BUZZERS

Jamison
The past few weeks have been absolutely insane. Well, that's actually false. Pretty sure that
day that we visited Keagan's dad was insane. But almost a month has gone by since then
and everything is still pretty much the same.
As fucked up as it is, we've been pretty much waiting by the phone for the call that Keagan's
dad had passed. So either he hasn't yet, or he did and his mother just never bothered to call.
I mean, it wasn't like either of us were going to show up at the wake or funeral but still. I
knew it was killing Keagan not knowing if his dad was still breathing. Damn that sounds so
horrible. But nothing could be more horrible than the pain that his dad had caused, past
and present.
My boyfriends' clingyness was still prominant, but it wasn't as bad as it was a few weeks
ago. He was getting less and less dependent on me as time went on, and I kind of hated it;
but it made me feel better knowing that he was getting stronger from all that has happened.
Keagan liked to go on walks these days. Sometimes by himself, but most times with me. He
even held my hand and rubbed it with his thumb; and I thought to myself "wow is this real
life?" because never in a million trillion years would I think of Keagan as the 'I'll rub your
hand with my thumb' kind of guy. It just made me and my heart smile just a little too much.
I finally felt like we were on the same level. I always felt like I liked him more than he liked
me for some reason. But now I know that he feels just the same as I do. I know this because
when we fight, it's not a detrimental fight. It's a test that we pass with flying colors. Yea we
yell, we swear, and sometimes one of our feelings get hurt. But it's never us giving up. No
white flags are thrown. And I'm starting to realize now that if we haven't broken up yet, we
probably aren't going to- at least not for a long time.
"You ok?"
I looked over at Keagan and nodded my head, smiling.
"Yea of course. Why?"
He smirked and looked down.
"You squeezed my hand."
I probably turned red. Oops.
"I didn't mean to. I was just thinking."
Keagan held my hand tighter as we continued with our walk. We just stepped out from
campus to clear our heads. The dorms were starting to feel a bit stuffy. I wanted to just be
home for spring break already. March was around the corner, thank god. I needed the cold
to be over.
"About what?"
I shrugged and pushed my hair back behind my ear. I could not believe I let it get to my
shoulders. My mom would cut it herself if she could see it right now.
"Just things. Silly things. Well not exactly silly-"
"Just spit it out babe!"
I laughed and pushed my boyfriend.
"Just like things about us. How far we've come. All we've been through. What's next and all
that. You know. Boring stuff."
Keagan pushed me back and then brought me in for a much needed hug.
"That's not boring. Maybe a few months ago I would have barfed in my mouth, but not now.
You changed me Jamie. For the better, obviously. God, I remember when I used to get on
your nerves so bad. You so hated me."
I looked up at him and shook my head as we started to appraoch the school again; this time,
heading towards the enterance.
"I never hated you. You were a huge pain in my ass but I never hated you. But... I don't think
I changed you. I think that you just found yourself. Deep down, you knew you could love.
You just didn't think you deserved it. But you do. And I love you more than I ever thought
possible Keagan. Like. It's actually unbelievabe."
Now it was Keagan's turn to blush.
He opened the door for me and followed me up to our floor.
"You're adorable Jamie. I love you too," he said and kissed my forehead.
He then bit his lip and I fot nervous.
"What?"
He went over to his desk and rummaged around. Defeated, he went into the bathroom area
and then called me over.
What the hell was he doing?
When I saw what was in his hands I immediatly shut him down.
"Nope. No way. You're joking."
Keagan held the buzzer up and had such an evil grin on his face.
"Come on babe, it's time! You just said how much you love me. Now you gotta let me cut
your hair."
"Keagan. My love. That is a clipper. You do not clip long hair. You use barbers scizzors,
which we do not have. And even if we did I wouldn't let you cut my hair."
He pouted but it didn't change my mind one bit.
"I'll let you cut mine if you let me cut yours."
Wait what.
Hm.
This could be a game changer.
"Really?"
He nodded.
"I trust you. If you fuck it up you can just buzz it all the way. My hair grows fast."
So we were doing this. Using regular ass scissors to chop each other's hair off.
_______
So. The end result of deciding to cut each other's hair didn't go as bad as I thought.
And by "didn't go as bad as I thought" I mean my hair was lopsided on the sides, and
Keagan was basically bald.
The good news is that I have never seen him look so hot. If anyone can pull off the crew cut
look, it's Keagan.
"I tried my best," he said, looking at his work. "I'll pay for your next haircut. A real one. And
I'll get all the hair off the bathroom floor. Promise. You won't have to clean a thing."
I bit my lip to try not to smile; it was very hard though.
"Okay if you insist. But honestly baby it doesn't look that bad. If I wear a beanie you can
hardly tell! You did good."
And then a smile appeared on his face. The first real smile I've seen from him in a long time.
I missed it so much.
"You mean, you're gonna keep it for a little?"
I held my breath.
Totally wasn't planning on that, but when you love someone you gotta make sacrifices.
"Of course Keagan, I'll keep it for a few days. I want the world to see what a semi-talented
hairdresser I have on my hands."
He smiled again and ruffled up my now uneven hair.
More of it fell on the floor, and the look on Keagan's face told all.
"Ok so why don't I get started on cleaning this mess and you go pick out a show on Netflix
for us to watch when I finish?"
I kissed him gently on the mouth before nodding in agreement.
"You know it's going to be scrubs. It's always scrubs."
Keagan rolled his eyes playfully and bent down to start scooping up the hair that was all
over the place.
I went back into the common area and plopped down on my bed. I reached for my phone
because I honestly haven't even looked at it since probably yesterday. The fact that I don't
even remember the last time is scary. I remember when I used to be glued to my phone. But
luckily not anymore. Now my time is spent with the man I love, and it couldn't make me
any happier.
Hi Jamison. Sorry for texting you like this. I would have called but I was afraid you
wouldn't pick up. No one answers the phone these days. Anyway, I just really need
you to text Russ or Facetime him or something. It's important. He got beat up really
bad and he's just locking himself in his room and not talking to anyone, not even me.
I don't know what to do. I'm really worried.
And then the text I just got from Livvie just changed everything.
What the fuck?
Russ got beat up? When? By who? And why?
Three days ago. At school. I don't know why. Like I said he won't talk to me. I found
out from someone who was apparently there when they fought. I have no idea what it
was about. I just am so worried. I honestly don't think he has come out of his room
since then. Please, he'll listen to you. Just talk to him. And let me know as soon as you
do. I need to know he's ok.
Fuck.
Just fuck.
Why would anyone want to hurt Russ? He has an attitude at times, maybe even a temper.
But he was never the fighting type.
I mean he and I were finally on good terms even if we weren't speaking as much as we used
to but.. why didn't he tell me? If Livvie thinks he'll listen to me she's wrong. He didn't
mention it to me. But why? If I mean so much to him then just why?
But now here's why I'm conflicted. Russ is my best friend. I care about him no matter our
bad history and everything. My gut tells me I need to at least try calling and give him the
benefit of the doubt. But I know exactly what is going to become of this. Keagan is going to
go right back to his old ways. He's going to start not trusting me and thinking that I have
feelings for Russ or something like that.
I just know he's not going to take this whole thing well. And it kills me because I know what
the right thing to do is. Do I want it to cause problems between me and Keagan when things
are so perfect right now? Of course not. Do I think there is a slight chance Keagan might be
understanding about it? Sort of.
There's only one way to find out.
However, I was conflicted again. Should I tell Keagan what is going on first? Or talk to Russ
first so I have more details? Ugh. Fuck.
Keagan would be pissed if he knew I talked to Russ behind his back. But he also would tell
me not to text him before I even got the chance.
Man.
I guess I have some thinking to do.
Ok Liv. I will. Just give it a day or two. He might just need more time to cool off. If you
hear anything else just let me know.
And of course as soon as I put my phone down, Keagan walked out of the bathroom.
"Did someone call?"
I shook my head and smiled.
"Nope. Just checking the time. You almost done babe?"
Half lie.
Still feel bad about it.
"Yea almost! I can't wait to cuddle up and be nice and comfy with you Jamie."
 DITZ

Keagan
I could tell just by Jamie's general demeanor that something was eating at him.
For the last day and a half he's looked as if he wanted to say something, but just can't bring
himself around to actually voice it. It was really starting to wear on my patience, I mean... I
wanted to know and he should already feel like he could ask or tell me anything so the fact
that he was having a hard time was not only pissing me off but was also really hurting my
feelings.
"Jesus Christ Jamison." I laughed after I caught him staring with that same fish out of water
look he's had for the last 32 hours. "Spit it out, what do you need to say?"
"Well..." He cleared his throat and looked down. He really reminded me of a puppy who had
just chew up their owners shoe sometimes. So I knew I wasn't going to like what I was
about to hear. "Livvie messaged me and asked me to talk to Russ for her. He apparently was
in some type of fight and has locked himself in his room and... She thinks that talking to me
might bring him out or help or something."
He blurted all of that out as if he had rehearsed it a thousand times. Like he tried every
possible choice of words he could think of that would "soften the blow" of dragging his ex-
lover back up.
"Okay...?" Was all I said. I mean what else could I say? 'No Jamison, I forbid you from talking
to that limp dick.' That would go over just as well as baptizing a feral cat would.
"Okay? That's it? No mean quip? No rude remark? Just... Okay?" He looked genuinely
shocked, and it was kind of pleasing to me that he actually looked somewhat disappointed.
"Oh, I have a lot to say, it's just better that I don't."
I watched as he got up and moved closer to me on the bed.
"I want to hear what you have to say..."
"Why? Do you want me to tell you no?"
"Well... No." He sighed. "I just want to know."
"What difference would it make?" I laughed, but Jamison clearly wasn't finding the same
humor in this that I was. "But if you really want to know, I don't care about his well being,
and he didn't care about yours until he saw me. I think he's a piece of shit with some type of
agenda who deserved an ass beating after what he put you through. I'm just sorry I couldn't
have done it myself."
"Keagan, he apologized..."
"And? Rapist usually apologize too. Doesn't make their shitty actions any better. You make
of it as you will Jamie, I just don't trust him or the fact that only talking to you, the boy he
completely shunned at one point, is the only way he'll get through this. It seems like a
complete load of fishy bullshit to me. But hey, what do I know?"
Jamison was actually thinking pretty hard about all I just said, so I leaned over and kissed
his forehead.
"Don't blow a fuse babe." I chuckled. "Do what you feel is right, I trust you." He sat beside
me quietly and I could feel his anxiety level just rising with each passing minute. "Here,
how's this... I'll go to the gym for an hour or two and you decide and do what you need to
do? Either way I won't be mad."
Jamison looked at me wearily before nodding.
"I love you, Keagan..." He said, not taking his eye off of me.
"And I love you Jamison." I chuckled before shedding my lounging clothes and put on some
more exercise appropriate ones. Even though I kissed him before I left, he still looked
pretty suspicious about how I handled everything.
I wish I could have handled it how I really wanted too, I wish I could have told him exactly
what I felt, but what would that really accomplish?
Jamison was still excruciatingly naïve to the evils of the world, his sheltered heart still held
on tightly to the fantasy that there was good in everyone and good in every situation.
It was annoying as hell sometimes because anyone with half a brain would have been able
to tell that making me go see my father and that even giving Russ the time of day were both
bad ideas, but his heart was gold and I knew he only meant well. So even though I might
deny it, I really did love that aspect about him, but I really wasn't looking forward to seeing
what event would be the final straw that broke that innocence he still had.
The gym was pretty dead which was beyond welcomed right now. My eyes landed on this
fairly short guy using the stair stepper, I had seen him a couple of times before but we had
never actually spoke. But today after I finished my seven miles on the treadmill he just kind
of popped up in front of me with this cheesy ass grin on his face.
"Hey, Keagan right?"
"Yep, that's my name. Who's asking?"
"Me silly!" I stared at him blankly, I mean usually people picked up that if I said that, it
meant I was asking for your name... I'm not stupid.
"I know you asked," I laughed trying to keep my tone polite. He was painfully attractive
with his light muscle tone, pearly white smile, and kept hair style... But with having
someone as smart as Jamison for so long, I realized that ditzy wasn't cute any more. At all.
"I was asking what your name was."
"Oh!" He giggled. "My names Blake!"
"Well it's nice to meet you." I said as I sprayed down the equipment and grabbed my sweat
towel. I wasn't really interested in speaking to him any further, but he followed me over to
one of the benches that was set up at a decline for sit ups. It was odd and kind of off putting
to have someone stand beside me as I worked out. All he did was talk too, like I'm not even
really sure if he was actually talking to me or at me. It got so bad after a while that I
considered standing him in front of a mirror to see if he would notice he was just talking to
himself... But that would be rude and I refrained.
"So, would you like to go out and get a drink sometime?" I stopped mid leg press and
looked over at him. It was no secret that I was spoken for, but he was clearly not picking up
on my lack of interest so maybe he was just all around clueless.
"Look Blake, I appreciate the conversation, but I've got a boy waiting back at my dorm for
me already. Thanks for the offer though."
He looked pretty dumbfounded that I had told him no, but the way he handled rejection
was none of my concern so I decided that to save us... Well him, any further embarrassment
that I should probably be the one to leave. When I said he was attractive, I really did mean
it. Even sweaty he looked as if he just walked off of a movie set, and old Keagan wouldn't
have been able to make it out of the locker room without jumping his bones, but I didn't
even remotely have those thoughts now. Getting him naked wasn't even a passing thought,
and it made me feel weird, but I had all that I needed right now and more laying in my bed
waiting for me.
Of course there were a few other people who wanted to talk to me on my way out, to see
what was going on, and to just generally catch up. Which I greatly appreciated as well, it
had been a long time since I actually talked to anyone outside of Jamison in such a casual
and non flirtatious way, and don't get me wrong, I wasn't sick of just talking to him, but
other human interaction was pretty nice and just those little spouts of conversation
actually made me feel somewhat normal again.
With Jamie everything was just raw emotion or a crisis, I knew that's how it was probably
supposed to be with a new couple, but sometimes I just wanted to talk about the weather
or about the way I hated the feeling of charcoal pencils on paper... I don't know. I think I
was just over thinking things again, and I just needed to stop. I definitely could use some
more alone time which would be hard to explain since I've been practically up Jamison's
ass every day since we got back; both figuratively and literally if you know what I mean.
But that's besides the point. He and I had some definite work to do, but right now that was
probably going to be the least of our worries.
I showered quickly, changed, made sure Blake wasn't lurking around, and headed back to
the dorms. I wasn't really excited about going and seeing what decision Jamison had made
since I pretty much already knew he had called Russ. There was always a chance that he
could surprise me, but that was a really really fucking slim chance. I knew Jamison better
than to even hold out hope that my little rant of my feelings would sway his choice.
He would have made up some other question anyways if he hadn't already made up his
mind about what he was going to do. He was stubborn and bull headed; but again, just
another reason why I think I loved him.
 GIVE & TAKE

Jamison
When Keagan came back to me he wasn't mad, upset, or anything like that. It was strange
how much his personality somewhat changed within the past few weeks. If this had
happened 2 months ago? Forget it. Keagan would have blown up at me and probably went
over to Russ to re-beat him. Well maybe not anything that drastic but something close to it.
It proved to me that he cared though. And that's part of the reason why I decided that I did
need to be the one to talk to Russ. I couldn't go there because I missed enough school
already; which was my own fault for dragging Keagan out to see his 'dad.' So it was going to
be even harder to talk to Russ because of that. But at least I'd get to stay here with my
boyfriend and wouldn't have to endure a fight or anything like that. He'd know exactly
what happened and what was said, and who knows he could even put his two cents in if he
really wanted to.
Keagan put his gym bag down and wrapped his arms around me.
I sighed happily and rested my chin on his forearm.
"I shouldn't ask. Because I already know. But have you made a decision yet?"
I nodded against his skin and kissed his wrist.
My heart jumped when I noticed I made the little hairs on his arms stick up.
Who knew an involuntary body action could be so... meaningful.
"I'm going to talk to him. Via facetime most likely. I can't go back home. So that's a good
thing right? I don't have to leave you."
Keagan released me and patted my shoulder.
"I respect your choice, obviously. But you know my stance. I don't think it's worth it, to get
involved. But you have to do what you think is right," he said as he let me go. "I'm gonna
take a shower. If you wanna do it now, that would work. I don't know if I'll be able to listen
to him make excuses and whine and whatnot. No offense. So just let me know what your
plans are so I can make arrangements."
Of course he would leave when it happened. But I couldn't be mad. It was actually a really
mature thing to do. Normally he'd love this shit and use it to get under Russ' skin.
My baby has matured.
Hopefully not too much. I like the sarcastic and somewhat narcisistic boy that I once knew.
I know he's still there. But he's turning soft all because of me. Maybe one day he'll make fun
of me for being a dork and all will be right in the world.
But for now I had to accept his choice just like he had accepted mine. Because that's what
being in a serious relationship is all about. Give and take.
"Get your cute butt in the shower while I go ahead and make the call. But next time I'm
joining you. Understand?"
I bit my lip and pushed him playfully.
His eyes lit up and he smirked.
"Ooh snippy and demanding. I like it," he said and turned his back to walk away. "I'll hold
you to that," he mumbled as he headed towards the bathroom.
I shook my head and laughed a little before I situated myself on my bed.
The fun and games had to come to an end.
Time to get serious.
Man I didn't even know if Russ would answer my facetime. It could all just be for nothing.
But it was worth a try. I couldn't just do nothing.
I propped my back up against my wall and scrolled to Russ' name in my phone. I pressed
the button to facetime and waited.
Immediatly Russ declined it.
I should have figured. He was stubborn. Almost as stubborn as Keagan. No wonder why I
liked them. They were both pretty damn similar.
But just as I was about to put my phone away, Russ called me. No facetime. Just a call.
I answered with a "Hey man, how are you?"
"Did Liv send you to my rescue?"
I could hear a grumble to his voice. Did I wake him up? Was he beat so bad his throat was
messed up? Geez what the fuck happened to him?
"Shut up. She cares. And so do I. So please, tell me what happened."
He chuckled.
"You don't care. Keep telling yourself you do, but you don't. Don't worry about it. Get back
to your life Jamison. It's alright. I'm fine."
I furrowed my eyebrows. He had some nerve talking to me like this.
After all the ups and downs we've been through this was a little disheartnening.
"You're not fine. Unless you'd consider camping out in your room for days not speaking to
anyone is fine. Which I think not. Look I understand it might not be easy to talk about. But
I'm here for you whether you believe me or not. And I want you to know that I'd never
judge you or anything like that. I'm on your side here. Just tell me what happened."
I heard him sigh, which meant he was finally going to cooperate.
"I don't want you to feel bad for me. I don't want pity or sympathy. That's why I hid out in
my room. I didn't want anyone's 'I'm sorry's' or any shit. I just wanted to be left alone. And I
was. Now I'm good-"
"Russ. What happened?"
Again he sighed.
"I basically messed with the wrong person. I was moving on with my life, trying to feel
comfortable with myself. Dated around, whatever. Found this one guy that I thought was
my other half. We got along great. But I guess his idea and my idea of our relationship were
so far off. I went in for a kiss and got the living shit beat out of me. He literally flipped out
and whaled on me for a solid 5 minutes. I couldn't do anything but hold my arms up to
defend myself. He was arrested and everything but he only got probabtion and community
service. But Jamison, like I said, I'm fine. I learned my lesson. I should have-"
Holy shit.
I wasn't expected that to be the reason. I felt terrible for thinking Russ started the fight.
That his temper had something to do with it. Him putting himself out there got him beat.
Tragic and heartbreaking.
"Russ this isn't your fault. What that asshole did to you was out of your control and he
deserves a lot worse than he got. What happened to you is fucking aweful. And I am sorry. I
don't care if you're tired of hearing it. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. No one
deserves that. What... what were your injuries?"
I heard him taking a sip of something. Water probably.
"Fucker broke my nose. My arms are bruised. Lip is a little swollen. And a little cut by my
eye. But it's fine. I'm recovering. My mom and dad know everything that happened. Livvie
doesn't. I want it to stay that way. Can you promise you won't tell her?"
"He broke your nose? What the fuck is wrong with him that's so fucked up. Was he high? I
don't understand how he could just lash out like that, and I don't even know the guy. Fuck."
"Relax. It'll be good as new in a few weeks. Might be a little crooked but that's why they
invented plastic surgery."
He was making a joke?
How unlike him.
But at least he wasn't bitter about it. Or is hiding it very well.
Now I know why he didn't answer the facetime. He didn't want me to see the condition he's
in. I don't blame him.
"But anyway. I took some pain meds earlier and they knock me out so... I'm gonna get going.
Sorry I bitched you out. I just can't believe it you know?"
"Don't apologize. It's ok, I understand. I'm sorry Russ, really. I wish I could be there."
"It's fine. Just please don't tell Livvie. And we'll be all good. Deal?"
I stupidly nodded because he couldn't see me.
"Ok ok I won't say. But you should think about telling her yourself. It'll go better than you
think. But take care of yourself and get rest. I'll talk to you in a few days to check up on you.
Bye Russ."
"Bye Jamison."
I hung up and put my face in my hands.
Poor Russ.
I almost wished Keagan did hear all that.
Because he was never going to empathize with Russ, and I'd look like the bad guy for being
nice to him.
 KICK THE BUCKET

Keagan
The semester ended as quickly as it started and Jamison and I were already nestled closely
on his parents couch. Though this wasn't my ideal summer trip, Jamison had promised that
the beach he took me too was even better in the summer than it was during the winter, so I
was pretty excited about going and seeing that.
With that being said, I wasn't at all thrilled that Jamie and Russ were pretty close friends
again. I could put up with them talking on the phone occasionally, but Jamie had thoroughly
explained to me that he, Russ, and apparently myself would all be hanging out at one point
or another. Quite frankly I'd rather shoot myself, so I explained and promised just as
thoroughly to him that that wouldn't be happening. Of course that sparked a fight or two,
and I really didn't want to bring up what happened the last time he forced me into doing
something I didn't want to do, but I did, and he shut up and caved real quickly.
That would probably be the last and only time I would ever be able to use that though, but
it was worth it. Russ wasn't worth my time, I don't want to be his friend, I don't even want
to be acquainted to him. I just wanted to let my boyfriend ride out this bullshit friendship
until it blows up again, so I can smirk my "I told you so" smirk and then pick up Jamison's
pieces all over again.
"Keagan?" Jamison cooed so I looked down to see his bright shining eyes staring up at me.
"What's up babe?" He smiled at that and scooted his small body closer to mine and buried
his face right against my neck, and for a second that distracted me since his ice cold lips
were pressing small kisses right against that sweet spot he had no problem abusing, but
then his small but naughty little hand slid between my thighs and rubbed up right against a
much sweeter spot.
"My parents went to bed." He giggled against my neck, clearly knowing just how worked up
he was making me. "Why don't we head up there too?"
"You want to go up to your parent's bed? I mean, I'm all kinds of down for kinky things, and
your moms a fox, but... I don't think they'd be into that. I mean... You're their son!"
Jamison hit my chest playfully and laughed. "I meant up to my room you turd."
"Mmm, I don't know if that's a good idea. You're a screamer." Jamison covered my mouth
and gasped as if he was completely oblivious about how loud he gets.
"Shhh! I don't need the whole neighborhood knowing!
"Well if I take you upstairs, they will know in no time!" I laughed and Jamison shook his
head and got up.
"Fine!" He giggled and did a little hip wiggle as he walked towards the stairs. "I'll take care
of myself then and you can sleep on the couch."
I huffed and got up before chasing after him, nearly tripping over my own two feet to get to
him before he got too far up the stairs for me to pick him up and carry him back to his
bedroom.
"Are you sure I won't be too loud?" He chuckled as I closed the door behind us and brought
him over to the bed.
"I mean, it really doesn't matter to me. You're the one who will have to sit through the
awkward conversation." I laughed, placing kisses all up and down his neck as he worked
my shirt up and off of me.
"Mmm, I'm willing to take that chance."
"Maybe you could just burry your face in the pillow and I can do you from-"
"No." He laughed and interrupted me as I unbuttoned my pants and worked them off of
myself. "If I can't see your face and kiss you while we're going at it, then-"
"Then we're just fucking and it takes away the specialness from it." I chuckled, reciting the
spiel I've heard so many times right back to him before kissing him. "I know baby, I was
only kidding." His sour face turned soft and sweet again after I said that. I really was
kidding, I knew how highly he regarded sex and I wasn't about to take that away from him.
It felt nice that he actually treasured each time that we did our thing together. My mind was
a little more cynical, but I really did love this kid. He was just the right amount of stupid
naïve innocence I needed, and I think I was the little smack of reality that he needed.
So yeah, maybe he was softening me and maybe I was hardening him, but we word... And
the sex was great and just kept getting better so that's just an enormous bonus on top of it
all.
We barely made it through foreplay before I noticed that Jamison was way too horny and
way to loud to make this work if I actually wanted to not end up with blue balls all night, so
I muffled him as best as I physically could without literally smothering him with my lips.
The lack of oxygen made me think that maybe there was something to that whole
autoerotic asphyxiation shit, but I'd just keep that little idea to myself. Maybe I could start
watching weird porn with Jamie as a joke, then work in some actual porn, and then... Okay
never mind that was all way to much work. I wasn't nearly that interested in it to care.
"Dammit Keagan." He laughed, wrapping his naked body all up in mine and smiling. "I'm
hornier now than before. How the fuck do you always manage to do that to me?"
"I'm amazing?" I laughed. "I don't know what you want me to say babe."
"Mmm, yeah I attest to that." He laughed and somehow managed to snuggle closer to me. I
didn't mind in the least or anything, but it was like no matter what he could always find a
way to get his body just a little bit closer to mine if he really tried. I mean he could be lying
flat on top of me and still manage to find a new angle or something that could just close the
infinitesimal gap between us.
We both passed out soon after that. I mean we were still naked and ran the risk of his
mother just barging in, but we were both too exhausted and probably too oxygen deprived
to really move long enough to get dressed.
That was pretty much how the next few days went. We sat around with his parents,
occasionally snuck off to go enjoy the beach, and spent the nights screwing each other's
brains out before we both passed out and started up the routine again the next day. Today
was a little different though. Jamison had been putting off seeing Livvie and Russ because I
refused to awkwardly tag along. I never once said he couldn't go, but I don't think he
trusted me alone with his folks. Which was his problem, not my own, but I wasn't about to
change my stance on not hanging out with Russ. If it were just Livvie, I would definitely be
down to chill, but I really wasn't about to cave on this.
"Keagan," he whined. "Come on, please come."
"Why? Are you afraid Russ is going to try something?"
"Wha- no! He knows we're just friends."
"Then I have no reason to go." I laughed, feeling pretty proud of myself right there.
"God dammit Keagan." He sighed, clearly defeated. "I just wanted you to tag along and
maybe get to know my friends so you might actually start to like them. That's kind of an
important aspect in a relationship."
"Maybe to you, but if you haven't noticed, I don't really have friends and I'm really not
interested at all in making one with my boyfriend's ex fuck buddy... SO yeah, I'll pass." I
said, keeping my voice even to try to come off as serious as I possibly could so that he'd just
drop it.
"Ugh whatever." He groaned and got up. "They're going to be here any minute so I'm going
to go wait outside for them."
"Alright! Have fun." I waved and Jamison's eyes narrowed at me. Sure he was going to be
mad at me and probably bitch at me and my stubbornness to his friends, but he needed to
do that. I mean I was the only person he talked too, so maybe getting some things off his
chest with these people he considered friends would be good for him, and maybe he'd
helicopter around me and how I was feeling less? Unlikely, but one could wish right?
"Are you really about to let me walk out that door without getting up to kiss me goodbye?"
He pouted, and stomped his feet about a little to put the cherry on top of the little childish
façade he was putting on to get his way.
"Oh my bad, I thought you were angry with me." I chuckled and stood up before pulling him
into my arms.
"I am mad, but that doesn't mean I love you any less. You're just being your normal asshole
stubborn self." He pouted and I took that opportunity to kiss his slightly puckered lips
which almost immediately broke that pout into a full blown smile. "Stop, I'm trying to be
mad at you!"
"What? You just told me to come kiss you!" I laughed, now completely confused.
"Yeah, but you're not supposed to be so cute about it. I want to be grumpy at you."
"Mmm you love me too much to stay mad at me for long." I chuckled and kissed him again.
"And I love you just as much."
"Enough to come hang out with my friends and I?" Ooooh that was a good one. Low blow,
but fair I guess.
"Yeah, I love you enough to do that, but I think I'm going to take a nap instead because I
promise you, if I go and Russ even breathes on me I'll punch him in the face. For no other
reason than to be an asshole. So it's better that I stay here."
Jamison rolled his eyes and squirmed out of my arms and sighed.
"Fine, you've made your point." I sighed at that statement. I finally won a battle. I broke his
spirit in this situation finally. Because really I'd like nothing more than to hit Russ, but I was
really trying not to ruin his vacation. But really it shouldn't take me saying "no" this many
times for him to understand that I wasn't kidding. That me saying no wasn't actually me
just saying maybe.
"Good, I'm glad I could finally get it across." I chuckled and followed him to the door after
someone had knocked. "I'll see you later babe. Don't go to crazy okay?"
"Nope, I'm going to go insane." He giggled and pecked me one last time before leaving. I
made sure to pop my head out just far enough for Russ to see me, and made sure I kept it
out there just long enough to give him that "I am bigger than you, and I will kill you" look
before closing the door and retreating upstairs to Jamison's room before his family got
home from whatever the hell they were out and about doing.
The nap I was about to take was about to be beautiful. I knew that I probably only had a few
hours at most to crash, but I haven't slept alone in god knows how long so I was going to
savor this. Or at least I thought I would. It turns out that sleeping was a lot harder without
Jamison now than ever before. And I also couldn't shake this gut wrenching feeling that
something was going to go wrong. I don't know how, why, or when but things were too
quiet right now; and I know I was in a house alone, but just... Life. My life was never this
quiet, ever. Either I was partying too hard to even hear a single thought, or Jamison was
flipping my world upside down in one way or another.
But even with all that, it didn't faze me long enough to keep me from napping, and
eventually I woke up to the sound of a family hustling and bustling around the house, so I
got up and looked at my phone. I had like four or five missed calls from Jamison, but right
as I picked up my phone a text from him came in.
Since you're not answering, I'm going to assume you're asleep. It was kind of an important
question, but I'll just answer it myself. See you soon ;)
I sighed knowing that that couldn't be good. I really shouldn't be punished for sleeping but
whatever. So I sent him back a heart, hoping that would soften him up before going into the
bathroom and freshening myself up a bit. I looked like a handsome train wreck, and I
almost kept it but I couldn't bring myself to do that. So I fixed myself up and went back
downstairs.
Jamison's family was busy in the kitchen so I took my seat on the couch and smiled when
his mother came in, completely surprised to see me without her son attached to my hip.
"Where's Jamison?" She asked as she wiped her hands off on her apron. Thank god, she was
fixing dinner.
"Uh, out with friends. I didn't want to go, I wanted him to get some alone time in with them
so I stayed behind. I hope you don't mind. I just slept all day."
"That's more than fine!" She said, but she had a disappointed look on her face. "I'm sorry he
left without you, I thought I raised him better than that."
"You did a phenomenal job at raising him." I said sincerely. "He really did need alone time
with his friends though, and I'm not Russ's biggest fan so it was best that..." I paused once I
saw Mrs. Prices face contorting slightly. "W-wait what's that face for?"
"You and Russ aren't friends?" I shook my head no and she looked like she was about to say
something, but then the front door opened and any statement she was about to make or
question she was about to answer was quickly resolved as the three bodies made their way
into the living room.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Jamison's mom gave me an apologetic look before escaping back into the kitchen. I really
almost envied her in that moment, but the look on Jamison's face when he noticed how
very unamused I was with this situation was almost priceless.
"Hey babe..." He said, his friends talking amongst themselves behind him. I wanted to say
something, I really did, but anything I could bring myself to say would probably cause a
scene so I just got up and went into the kitchen with Mrs. Price to help her out with dinner.
I think she saw how desperate I was to be anywhere but in there with them, so she gave me
pretty mundane but time consuming tasks to do. I guess the duo were staying for dinner,
but I didn't have to talk to anyone during that, and then right after that I could escape and
just go to bed.
I don't care how rude it was, and I don't care how it made either of his friends feel. This was
his house, these were his friends, and he had every right to have them over for dinner; but I
am my own fucking person so I'll act however I want in a situation that makes me feel
uncomfortable.
And Jamison should really know me better than to expect me not to put on some sort of
scene. This would be a silent protest, nothing to ruin his parent's time, but anything to get
under Jamison's skin. It was actually kind of nice, Jamison's parents occasionally would
speak to me and of course I responded to them, and Livvie actually tried talking to me a few
times so I responded to her; but if Jamison tried I managed to change the subject to
something else, and thank god Russ wasn't stupid enough to attempt talking to me, because
I'm not positive but I'm pretty fucking sure that would have gotten real ugly real fast.
After dinner I helped Mrs. Price clean up since no one else seemed to step up, and then I
kissed the top of her head and excused myself and went to crawl right back into bed.
Though I knew I shouldn't be as proud of myself for acting so childish, I was fucking elated
that I got under Jamison's skin that deeply. I could tell he was thinking about what exactly
he was going to yell at me about later, but I'd be asleep and he'd just have to wait longer. It
was kinda nice taking a little bit of personal control away from my control freak boyfriend.
He constantly had to have things his way, but now there was nothing he could do. He
couldn't freak out in front of his parents, he wouldn't freak out in front of his friends
because last thing he needed was for more people to dislike our relationship, and he sure as
hell wouldn't freak out in front of anyone when he knew he was in for a losing battle. He
was too smart for that.
But as time passed, I realized napping earlier was a bad idea and that I really wasn't tired.
Then that got me to thinking that I really missed Jamison. He was so cute and I really liked
him, even if he was an inconsiderate asshole sometimes. So begrudgingly I got up and put
on some clothes before trudging my way down stairs.
I heard hushed whispers from the kitchen and as soon as I rounded the corner every ones
faces dropped. Russ stepped back and removed himself from whatever situation this was
and Livvie looked at me cautiously before glancing at Jamison, giving him an encouraging
head nod. I don't even know what look I had on my own face, but the lump Jamison just
swallowed told me that this wasn't going to be something I liked. Maybe I should have just
stayed in bed.
"Hey baby..." He said quietly. "I thought you went to bed." He folded a paper he had in his
hands and held it by his side.
"Yeah, I wasn't tired. What's going on?"
"Uh... Well, I got a letter in the mail today. It's uh... An acceptance letter..." I looked at him
confusedly. He was already in college so what kind of acceptance letter could that be?
"Michigan wasn't my first choice in schools, and I uh... I got accepted into Princeton since
my grades this semester raised my GPA an insane amount." I felt my heart sink into my
stomach and I could see he was feeling just about the same way.
"Uh... We should go." Livvie said, and Jamison didn't even fight her on that. He just said bye
to his friends and turned back to me.
"Keagan, please talk to me..." He whispered, but was thrown off when his phone went off
about five times. I could tell he was trying to ignore it but I nodded and let him know I
wouldn't be offended if he checked it. I mean, how could I be? I didn't want to talk about
this great but devastating news, I just kind of wanted to process it a little bit more.
The look on his face when he opened the message wasn't one I liked. I could see tears
forming in his eyes as he looked up at me. What other bad news could there be tonight?
"What?" I asked, and he handed me his phone. Whatever the news was, was clearly leaving
him speechless.
Please join the family of Nathaniel Grissom in a memorial service to honor his life.
He was a beloved husband, friend and son, the service will be held-
I stopped reading after that and just handed Jamison back his phone. He was gone. He was
finally gone. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry, I just felt empty. It took months, but he finally
kicked the fucking bucket. I really wanted to feel something more about this... Maybe joy,
maybe freedom, but I just felt numb right now.
"Keagan-"
"Can we just go to bed?" I said, my voice barely loud enough to hear; but I guess it was loud
enough because Jamison took my hand and led the way.
I stripped back down into my boxers and climbed under the covers and held Jamison close
to me. I felt horrible for only being able to think about myself right now. Jamison just got
the best fucking news of his life, and all I could think of was how it was going to affect me,
how I was going to handle him being gone... I didn't even care about my father passing.
"I don't have to go. I can stay." Jamison said. Finally breaking the silence between us.
I wanted to beg him and tell him that that was what I wanted. I wanted to tell him that
Princeton was stupid and too far away. I wanted to tell him that I knew for certain that I
could make him giving up a once in a lifetime opportunity to his dream school beyond
worth it, but I couldn't do any of those things.
"No baby. You need to go." I whispered and pulled his body closer to mine. "I can't promise
you a future like they can."
"I-" I kissed him to stop him from making up something that would change my mind. I
desperately wanted to be selfish, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He deserved
better than the educational program Michigan State University had to offer, he deserved a
better more stable future than I could offer him, and he just deserved better than me. His
future was bright and shining, and I was just blocking out all those chances by tying him
down to me.
"I love you Jamison." I sighed once I felt him shaking in my arms. He knew exactly where
this left us. We both knew there was no way he could feasibly pass up this opportunity and
there was no way we would be able to make it through a long distance relationship and
come out still loving each other.
But we didn't have to talk about that now, and I think he picked up on that. We didn't need
our possible last vacation together to be riddled with negativity. Even though I knew he
was probably dying to talk about how I felt about my dad dying, it just wasn't important
compared to this. Not even in the slightest.
"I love you too Keagan, so very... Very much."
 CANT SAY NO

Jamison
Life has been a crazy whirlwind lately, and that is an extreme understatement. In the past
month, I got accepted into an Ivy League School, my boyfriend's father passed away, and
made a huge life decision. The huge life decision was choosing Princeton.
I had to. It was my dream school. I worked my ass off to get my grades up, and I even kept
my 4.0 that I had all throughout high school even when people told me college was so much
harder.
Was it the most difficult choice I ever had to make in my life? Oh yes. Yes it was. Because...
deep down I knew that it had to be an end for me and Keagan. God, I loved him. So much.
But our timing couldn't have been more wrong. His dad died and he didn't move a muscle
to do anything. He didn't even have any thoughts of going over there to bury him or see him
one last time. Keagan needed time to accept what happened, but most of all he needed time
to grieve.
How could he absorb all of this when I was happy? Yeah I was upset for him and my heart
hurt knowing that there wasn't much I could do for him. But I was going to mother fucking
Princeton. Not many people have the opportunity to say that but I can, and I'm so proud of
myself. And I knew that Keagan was proud of me too, and I felt that; but he was lost inside
himself and there was no easy way for him to come out of his slump. Understandably so, of
course.
One would think I was a terrible person for "leaving" him. But going was not my idea
entirely. Keagan wouldn't let me stay. He didn't necessarily want me to go, but he loved me
enough to know that it was something that I just had to do. He knew that I would end of
resenting him if he asked me to stay or made me feel guilty for choosing to go. I wouldn't
want that, but things like that just happen on their own unfortunately. He was smart
enough to know that.
Even though our relationship was going to be put on hold, we were strangely very calm
about it for the time being. Nothing had really changed in our lives. I mean that in its
simplest form because of course things had changed in a bigger sense but between the two
of us, not really.
My mom couldn't believe that I would leave him. She thought that I was making a mistake
but I think that's only because she's an outsider and doesn't fully understand how much we
actually care for each other. Because if he didn't care about me and my needs then he
would beg me to stay.
Well Keagan is not a beggar so maybe that's a bit much, but still.
"Jamison come here for a sec?"
Keagan was downstairs in the kitchen while I was upstairs getting ready. When we woke
up this morning Keagan decided he wanted to go to IHOP for brunch, and I was 100% down
for that. We ended up fooling around for way longer than we expected so it was going to be
a very late brunch. But that was fine with me because I have no idea what had gotten into
my boyfriend as of late but he really turned into quite the Christian Grey. Ok nothing super
kinky but just like aggressive I guess I could say. I loved it so I was definitely not
complaining about any of it.
"Coming!"
When I got down the stairs I was shocked that he didn't have a sarcastic reply to me saying
I was coming.
I was confused when I saw two bags at his feet.
My heart sank.
Was... he leaving... me?
But how could he? Why would he? And when did he pack his things, I didn't even see him
do that.
I just didn't understand why he would get me all excited about going out to eat if he was
just on his way out of my life.
I cleared my throat and pointed to his bags.
"A-Are you going somewhere?" I asked as confidently as I could.
I failed miserably.
My voice sounded like a 12 year old girl that just saw a ghost.
Keagan didn't look sad, like at all.
Maybe he planned this ever since he knew I was going away. He was so strong, and I was
envious of that. But I just didn't think he would be leaving until I had to you know? I
thought somehow we could keep up our tight relationship until I was actually on my way to
Princeton.
I guess I was wrong.
"Yes," he said, and I immediately felt nauseous. "And you're coming with me, don't look so
upset babe!"
I was even more confused now.
"What are you talking about?"
He smiled and brought me in for a hug. He kissed the top of my head and smiled again,
against my forehead.
"Jamie, we don't have a whole lot of time together left. And I know that that kills you, it kills
me too. So I dug into the little savings that I had and checked us into a bed and breakfast
type thing. We're going for 5 days. Food, hotel, beach, and sightseeing is what we have in
store for us. Sound good?"
My eyes teared up and I got a little choked up as well.
"Are you serious?"
Keagan giggled and nodded.
"Noo I made the whole thing up and I'm peacing out 3 weeks early. Duh I'm serious! And
the longer you stand here and get all emotional the less time we have to get there babe," he
said jokingly.
I wiped under my eyes and kissed my boyfriend so hard I think it surprised even him.
"You are the best, you know that?"
Keagan shrugged playfully.
"I try I try. But here's the deal! I obviously didn't pack everything because we needed our
hair products, toothbrushes and all of that stuff so we need to still pack those things. As
soon as we're sure we have everything then we're all set. And I know I tricked you into
thinking we were going to IHOP so I'll get a snack for you to eat on the way there because
it's out east a ways so it's gonna take about an hour or so to get there."
All of this really made me question if I really was making the right decision.
I had a great man standing in front of me.
We grew together, we made each other better people, we were each other's other half. Did I
want to give that up? Did I want all this to end?
No, but... it wasn't a permanent thing. At least I didn't think it was. I don't think Keagan did
either. We knew that staying together while I was gone was impossible but we weren't
going to just forget about each other. We'd still talk, and I'd still see him when I came home
for holidays and whatnot.
But just thinking about all that was going to make me sad so I had to clear my mind as best
as I could so I could truly enjoy what was ahead of me.
_________
Keagan couldn't have picked a better vacation spot. It had all of our favorite things all in
one place. We slept in, had breakfast in bed, went to the beach, and did a lot of needed
shopping.
We had smiled on our faces pretty much nonstop. We didn't fight not even once, which was
very shocking to me since we usually bicker over silly little things. But I guess going
someplace new with the one you love had its ways of making us get along better.
Keagan eventually spilled the beans that my mom helped him pay for most of this because I
was starting to think he was selling himself to acquire the money needed for this trip.
Neither of us had jobs so it was the only option besides selling drugs or something along
those lines. It made me feel really good that my mom wanted to help make this time special
for us.
She never questioned my decision about Princeton but I'm sure she thought I was nuts for
wanting to leave Keagan behind. But she's the most supportive mother in the world and
that's probably why she offered to help Keagan out with the vacation because she's
awesome like that.
"Oh my god Jamison you have so much sand in your hair it's ridiculous!" Keagan laughed as
he fixed his sunglasses.
I shook my head and sighed.
"Well if you didn't make me dive for the volleyball every single time maybe I wouldn't be
covered in sand! You are so competitive it's insane."
"I wanted to make you dive for it because your 'I'm trying really hard' face is absolutely
adorable. And you grunt and whatnot and it's so cute so you can't blame me! And don't
worry I'll help you get it out. We're gonna shower later before dinner anyway so calm
yourself."
"I'm perfectly calm," I said as I ran my fingers through my messy hair.
Keagan had been keeping his hair short lately, and I finally was getting used to seeing his
forehead. I liked it long, but summer was here and it was too hot to have long hair.
"It's a shame that we have to leave tomorrow. I really like it here," I said breaking our semi-
long silence.
Keagan nodded and came over to my towel where I was laying.
I noticed that he had gotten a little bit of sunburn under his cheeks so I took our sunscreen
out and applied it for him.
"Thanks baby," he said. "I know. It was a really nice time, I'm glad that we were able to do
this. But tomorrow is going to be really fun. I wanted to keep it a surprise but I'm really bad
at that so I'm just going to tell you. Is that ok?"
I smiled and kissed his nose.
He was too fucking cute.
"Of course you can spoil the surprise I know it's killing you."
Keagan bit his lip and looked up at me.
"So instead of breakfast in bed like we've been doing this whole time I thought it would be
nice to have an early breakfast on the beach and watch the sun rise. Then I have a
horseback riding thingy scheduled for noonish, it's an hour long ride along the water and
then at the end of it they serve a Mexican style lunch. How does that sound?"
I smiled so big and gave him a hug.
"That sounds like so much fun babe. You really put so much thought into this. I just want to
tell you how much I appreciate all this and everything that you've done/ do for me every
day Keagan. I love you so much."
"Ok ok now you're getting super sappy and I'm gonna throw up," he said sarcastically. "Just
kidding, we both know that you turned me into a mush and I'm perfectly ok with that. I love
you too Jamie. I just hope that neither of us gets kicked in the face by our horses because I
had a dream that happened but I couldn't tell you about it because that would ruin the
surprise but now that you know everything I can tell you."
I laughed and shook my head at him; getting more sand in my hair in the process.
"Just don't walk behind the horse and you'll be just fine. I think that's hilarious that you had
a dream about that. Stop being anxious, it's gonna be fun! And if your horse kicks you I'll
admit to being wrong and get you lots of ice and kisses."
Keagan pinched me playfully and pretended to bite me.
"I'll bite you if my horse kicks me and that's totally fair, so you can't say no."
"But your teeth are sharp," I whined.
Keagan laughed.
"Ok truce. We'll both be fine. Deal?"
I nodded.
"Deal babe."
 BACK TO NORMAL

Keagan
The vacation completely depleted the rest of the inheritance Jana left me, but thankfully
Jamison's mom thought the trip was a necessity for he and I too so she pitched in quite a
bit. Sadly but also luckily this meant that I would need to get a job when I got back to
campus, because well... I would have nothing now. No money, no boyfriend, nothing. Just
me and... Well myself, and lets face it, that was never really a good combination.
After we got back to campus and packed up all Jamison's things, he and I sat on the bed in
silence for a while. Tomorrow I would be driving him to his new home. Honestly ten hours
wasn't that far, but we were college students and a long distance relationship just wasn't
ideal. I knew better than to believe we would work, he needed to grow, and he needed to
experience life. His parents coddled him, and I've been doing just the same. Maybe he'd find
a new boy to do it too, but I could only cross my fingers and hope that he does some self
discovery in this new chapter of his life.
The trip was long to his university, but we had a day to spare since his mom insisted that I
don't make the ten hour drive home on my own after such an "emotionally devastating"
day. She also refused to let me sleep in my car, but that was neither here nor there. So we
decided that he and I would stay at a hotel not to far from the university, I would take him
there the next morning, and then we'd say our goodbyes after I got him settled inside.
We pulled off onto the side of the road periodically since Jamison refused to keep his
naughty hands to himself; which I honestly didn't mind. I liked the idea of committing his
entire being to memory, since realistically this would probably be the last time I'd see him.
He had this brilliantly naïve picture in his beautiful mind that he and I would see each other
every break, and that there would be no one better than me waiting for him in that
enormous school he was about to go too. I mean sure, MSU was big, but some how he
managed to land me, so there was no telling what Princeton treasure he was going to land
there.
The thought of it made my stomach turn, but I smiled up until we actually stood outside of
the university. It was bigger than I ever imagined, the people walking around looked so
scholarly and... I was really hoping this would be a dump. I was really hoping that all the
talk of this Ivy League school was all just hogwash, but it was beautiful. It screamed
Jamison, and he was going to love it here. There were people here who could keep up with
his smart and witty self; there were people here who could connect with him on that
intellectual level I just could never reach...
"I don't have to go. We could go back, and I could get reinstated back in Michigan and-"
"Jamie baby, you're going here." I said as I threw his bag over my shoulder. "This is your
dream, and I'm not letting you give it up just because of me."
"I don't want to do this anymore! You mean-"
"No." I interrupted again. He was getting that panicky voice he always got before he started
crying, and we hadn't even made it inside yet. This was hard enough as is; I really didn't
want him to persuade me while the option still made sense. I needed to get him inside the
building before I could sanely handle telling him no. That way the car wouldn't be so close
and the hassle of bringing back his things would outweigh the momentary delusional
mindset he might suck me into. "Jamison lets go inside and see how you feel there."
He nodded sadly in response, so I took the lead and we went inside. We stopped off at the
welcoming center and picked up everything he needed. Since his (and many others)
acceptance into the college wasn't a traditional freshman acceptance they had put together
an orientation tomorrow for all the transfer students. Well... I don't think they just put it
together, but they had one set up for all of them and I thought that was pretty cool. Today
since we got her a day early he was allowed to get set up in his new room and just get
situated in his room until his roommate got there either later today or tomorrow like most
of the other students.
His room was on the third floor of the dorms, so as the masculine one in this relationship I
toughed through carrying all his bags up so he could look around and take it all in. The
excitement in his eyes was all I needed to see to tell me that I was doing the right thing. I
knew he was trying to hide it for my benefit, but just the way his fingers grazed along the
wallpaper in the hallways made it evidently clear that soon he'd be okay. He was going to
love it here once he got over the thought of me, and he was going to do great things.
When we finally got into his room, I set down his bags and looked around. It was about
twice the size of ours back in Michigan, and about ten times as nice. The bathroom was
more than just a shower and a toilet, and it actually had a really nice living space.
To say I was jealous was an understatement, but this was good. He deserved something this
nice, and hopefully it would distract him from focusing on me too much after I left.
"Stay again tonight..." He mumbled, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I'm not ready to
let you go yet. I just need one more night."
"Baby, I can't." I sighed. "One more night will just turn into another..."
"Then take me back?" His bottom lip quivered once he finished that sentence. I knew he
didn't want to make this hard on me, but he couldn't help it. I wanted to just rip this
goodbye off like an old band aid, but he wasn't like all my other boyfriends or partners. He
was so much different. He meant the world to me, but like everything else I tried to love, I
had to give it up. I wasn't meant to have a happy ending.
I was just the stepping stone everyone has to go through in order to find it.
God, how often did I use that line on all the boys before Jamison? It had been a year and
some change since I said that to Derek in his car, and now here I was... My world completely
turned upside down just like he had told me it would. Back then I thought he was
absolutely nuts, I was so sure that no one –especially not a crazy haired nerd- would ever
change me. I was king and I had no room in my life to share with anyone else. Now here I
am with my tail between my legs wishing I could go back and relive that insane year again.
Maybe I should write Derek a letter and tell him how all his wishes for me came true.
Maybe I should actually write an apology letter to everyone whose heart I broke in hopes to
mend my karma a bit, so that I could actually have Jamison back.
I shook my head at all those thoughts and looked down at Jamison.
"I can't Jamie, you know I can't." I could feel the tears pricking my eyes so I looked back up
before those sad pouty lips he was sporting could brainwash me.
"Lay with me for a little while at least?" He asked as he tugged me over to the bed he self
designated as his own. "Please, just an hour is all I'm asking for."
"Yeah, I think I can do that." I tried to smile, but as soon as we were wrapped up in each
others arms we both cried.
There was no consoling us, we just cried and kissed, and he said things that I could only
wish were true. I wanted to hold out hope that we would be back on that beach wrapped up
in each others arms with sand in our hair and waves crashing at our feet, I wanted to
believe that he and I would find ourselves together during Christmas again with mistletoe
hanging over our heads, and spiked eggnog tightly clutched in our hands as we make his
family uncomfortable by kissing for just a little too long.
But then I left and those things would never happen again.
I was okay once the messages stopped being so constant, but then they slowed down to
every other day, then to at least once a week, then finally just stopped. That's what killed
me. Once they just stopped I knew he was no longer hung up on me like I was still with him.
I ended up deleting all my social media since I was terrified of seeing something I didn't
want too.
I went back to drinking nightly and barely making it to class twice a week. I was miserable,
and I knew it was all self-inflicted. I didn't like the mess that I was again, but it was a lot
more tolerable than being sober. People liked me more when I was drunk, but then I'd go
over that line from fun to sloppy and I'd end up in a bathtub by myself while the party
continued on without me.
The next mornings were always the worst though; occasionally there'd be a few people
who would have seen me once I crossed the fun to sloppy line and they'd give me that
"bless his heart" look. I wanted to beat their stupid faces in, but I just did the walk of shame
back up to my room and passed out on my bed.
My new roommate wasn't all that bad, but he was definitely not Jamison. He minded his
own business and tagged along to a few parties, but other than that he wasn't interested in
being friends. We just respected each other and stayed out of the others way mainly.
Though I had lost all interest in art, I managed to salvage out a degree path finally.
Architecture was my forte; I loved the math and the planning behind it all. I loved creating
the models in class and I loved the feeling of the blue spread sheets under my hands. The
last thing I actually drew was a picture of Jamison and I from way back before we had even
started dating. I think we used it to make Russ jealous or something. It's hard to tell with
us, but I snuck that into his suitcase. After that anything recreational that had to deal with
art was just a turn off.
I had squandered away most of my scholarship trying to figure myself out so I had to save
almost everything from every paycheck at my stupid barista job to afford to stay in school
longer than planned to actually get a degree in something that could get me a decent career.
I don't know how I did it though. Between school and work I don't know how I managed to
get blackout drunk almost every night, but I did it. I worked my self down to nearly
nothing, but I had to keep occupied. If I didn't I'd be tempted to try to talk to Jamison and I
was too proud to let him know how weak I actually was.
I didn't want to guilt him into feeling obligated to talk to me, he was probably happy, he
probably had someone else, and he probably already forgot about me.
So instead I drank aimlessly, bussed tables, made coffee, and studied until my eyes hurt
since paying for college myself really made me realize how little I really had now and how
badly I needed to try to stay on top of it all, or I'd just end up a deadbeat like my dad.
I never did go to his funeral, nor did I ever visit his grave. I went back to Boston over the
summer once to try and make peace with my mother for myself; but she was gone by then.
According to the neighbors she found herself a man who seemed nice enough, not that any
of them were great judges of character, but I was happy for her. I still hated her for letting
me grow up like that, but I had to give it to her. Her loyalty was unbreakable, and I hope
that this man treats her at least a fraction better than my father ever did. Personally I still
didn't think she deserved even that but I was proud of myself for at least being happy for
her.
I didn't search any further than that, instead I sat in my car and considered driving the four
hours extra to go see Jamison for about an hour, but again we hadn't talked in god knows
how long by that point so I decided against it and just went home.
This was my life now. I was a stepping stone who finally got what was coming to him, and
all I could do was learn now and try to better myself and hope that karma took it easy on
me now.
But honestly, she already took everything from me so what's the worst she could do now?
 2 YEARS DOWN

Jamison
So yeah.
I left.
I packed up most of my things and left for my Ivy League future. I think that deep down,
like really really deep down I can say that I didn't want to actually leave. I liked the idea of
it more than I really wanted it.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the campus. I loved the atmosphere and the intelligent
conversations I heard every day. My professors were amazing; they came from Ivy League
schools themselves. Most of them were either doctors or surgeons. Very inspiring, very
challenging. Which was what I needed.
It was a change of scenery, a different wave of life.
It was less partying for me and more studying. Less teenage lifestyle and a little bit more
responsibility on my end.
But at least I had Keagan. In the beginning. Staying in contact with him kept me sane for the
longest time. But then our communication changed and it kept changing. We'd talk every
other night... then 3 times a week, then once a week, and then those weekly phone calls
turned into bi-weekly and those turned into monthly calls. Eventually we talked "when we
had time" and then ultimately all communication came to a halt. We just stopped talking.
There was no goodbye. No real ending of our relationship. We just were busy with our own
lives. I wondered if it hurt him as much as it hurt me to know that we were ruining our
friendship like we were. We had to know we were doing it, there's no way that we didn't. It
didn't happen over night it was a gradual thing that was very noticeable.
It wasn't anyone's fault. Both of us sucked. And neither of us weren't any good at actually
voicing how we felt so that was a strike against us as well. I think maybe I said something to
him about barely talking to him and he said something like "well you're the one who left
me" and that stung. Because I honestly thought he was happy for me up until that point. I
mean, maybe he had been. But me leaving hurt him way more than he would ever admit to
me.
And after we hung up most nights I would always fight the urge to pick my phone up and
call him again. How could I not?
This was someone I spent every second of every day with for almost a full year. I knew him
inside and out and I loved him with every fiber I had in me.
It was unbelievable how it was gone.
But, I slowly accepted it. I had no choice. I was way too far into my program to switch out
and go back home. I just couldn't.
I finally decided what I wanted to do with my life, I was on track to graduate on time and I
didn't want to mess it up. Not even for love. And I knew Keagan wouldn't allow me to do
that, especially since he was much farther with his major and would be graduating before
me anyway.
"Jamison I'm going to the library I'll be back around midnight!" My roommate called out to
me from our common area.
"Okay, don't kill yourself studying! I'll be here when you get back."
Freddie was my third roommate. That's right. Third. He was the only one who was normal I
swear. I have no idea why I had such bad luck with roommates but I went through two of
the worst people I've ever met in my entire life before Freddie came along.
When I first arrived here I was to be paired up with a guy who called himself Big Blue. He
was from down south and only got here from a football scholarship and he was basically
white trash I hate to say it. He was very disrespectful towards me, told me I would burn in
hell for being a 'fag' and that he met girls who were stronger than me. So needless to say I
applied for a roommate exchange and I thanked "the good Lord" when Big Blue was out of
my living quarters.
Then there was Terrence. Terrence was a nice guy, he really was. But the first thing he did
when he got here was join a fraternity. And he was up all night doing things for the
pledging process and he was so dedicated to the fraternity that it was hard to even live
with him knowing that all he had on his mind was Tau Kappa Epsilon. He lasted a few
weeks and then decided to transfer out of our dorm to live in the TKE house.
So now I have Freddie. He's my age, and an engineering major. He spends most of his time
studying like the majority of the students here but he's literally at the library more than
anyone I know. He is trying to keep his 3.5 GPA or else he loses his financial aid or
something like that. Engineering is no joke so I kind of don't blame him for going a little
overboard.
We get along really well, and his girlfriend is really cool. I see her a lot because she dorms
here too. She reminds me of Livvie a little bit. And speaking of Livvie her and I still talk
every once in a while, as do me and Russ. Not a whole lot, just whenever we get the chance
really. But whenever I go home I see them and it's always a good time.
As for me, at the moment right now I'm single.
I never got into another relationship since Keagan, but I did date around for a little while.
But the guys here are way different. They are great and all but they just don't have what I'm
looking for in a guy. No one is rough around the edges here. No one breaks the rules.
Everyone has their heads in a book and no one really wants go to out and live unless it's
spring break which is so dumb to me.
I guess Keagan taught me a lot more about living than I thought he did. He taught me that
it's okay to stay up late and party and explore and do things instead of staying in and being
a good boy.
It's times like this where I really miss him.
And I hate to say it but... when I start to miss him really bad, I usually end up hooking up
with someone. I've become that person. Somehow I let sex fill the void and I don't even
know where it came from since I was never like that but it just happened.
I texted one of my gay friends to come by and he knew exactly what that meant. Freddie
wouldn't be back until midnight so we had enough time to fool around, get ourselves
together and shower before he came home.
It felt nice to have someone kiss my neck, run their fingertips down my skin, and say my
name a few times. It felt too nice. I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to.
I laid down next to my friend; if you want to call him that, and sighed.
"You ok? Was that not good?"
I shook my head.
"No, no it was. Sorry. I didn't mean to sigh like that. I just have a lot on my mind," I said with
truthfulness.
I did have a lot on my mind, and the sex really was pretty good. I just was tired and stressed
out.
"I understand. Midterms are coming up and all. Everyone's on edge," he said as he started
to cuddle up next to me.
He never really did that before.
Maybe he was seeking the same kind of comfort that I was.
"Is this ok?" he asked with concern written on his face.
I actually wrapped my arms around him.
"Yea, it's fine. I like it. And you're warm," I said with a playfulness to my voice.
He smiled up at me and laughed.
"Are you seriously cold after what just happened?"
I'm sure I blushed.
"Well now that we stopped, yea! It gets cold in here. Don't question me."
Was I flirting?
Seemed like it.
It felt good though.
I mean, I couldn't hold onto Keagan forever, as much as I thought I could. I'm not saying
that Julian over here is my future husband but he's a nice little substitute for right now.
Which makes me sound terrible because I'm using him. But part of me wants to believe that
he knows that and therefore it makes it ok.
"Give me about ten minutes and I'll make sure you're nice and warm."
I looked at the clock to make sure we were in the clear.
11:05 was cutting it kind of close.
But what guy in their right mind would ever turn down a round two?
Not me.
Not him, he was offering.
So I was gonna take my chances.
And just hope that it was enough to get me by until the next one came around.
Because as much as I don't want it to be true, I will never want someone the same way I
want Keagan. I still want him even after all this time apart. I'll always want him and need
him.
I just hoped that wherever he was; whatever he was doing... he was thinking the same
thing.
 SWEET BEGINNINGS

Keagan
I wish I had tried to keep in contact with him.
Out of everything I had ever done, not keeping him in my life was the worst decision I had
ever made. Three years later and I was still so in love with him that it hurt.
I never expected him to actually leave that long of an impression on me. I figured I'd find
someone new, or at least gotten over him by now. I tried to get back into the dating game,
but no one held my interest longer than it took us to get back to my bed. I even tried second
dates, but there just wasn't anything there.
He ruined me in the best way you can ruin an already damaged person.
He loved me and sought what was best for me. It wasn't his fault that a better life
opportunity came along... I wish I could blame him, but he gave me more than any mental
health professional or bottle of liquor could give me. That took me a while to fully
understand and appreciate, but now I know and my heart yearns for that stability again.
He gave me a hell of a year that slapped me into the realist sense of reality. I was going no
where and I was wasting every gift life had bestowed upon me before he came along. Sure
it wasn't perfect, but it was perfect for me. So no matter what, he would always hold that
special place in my heart.
But now my student loans pretty much submerged me into a crazy amount of debt, so I
have to work through my internship at this architecting firm just to make ends meet. Every
day I thought about just giving it all up and going and finding Jamison, but that was insane...
I really had no way of finding him either. I had long since lost any way to contact him. The
only phone I had now was my work phone, and... Well I guess if I wanted too I could have
looked him up through social media, but I was too afraid to check. What if he had moved
on? Seeing him happy with someone else would destroy me. Plus I had been so lucky to
have been picked up by this firm right after graduation, and if Jamison had taught me
anything, it would be not to pass off on an amazing opportunity like this. But that didn't
stop me from day dreaming what it would be like to find him again. How we'd hold each
other and how great a reunion kiss would feel... Speaking of graduating though; the only
person who came to see me graduate was Joyce.
Big Momma had insisted on being there for me since I had absolutely no one else to watch
me walk. I never realized how alone I was until I heard everyone cheering for their
graduate as they walked across the stage... So thankfully Joyce and her husband had loud
enough voices to make me feel a little recognized. I would be eternally grateful to them for
going, because lord knows I didn't need any extra sadness on my plate.
I kept in contact with her too. I had too. None of my friends cared enough to, and she
always insisted that I come over to eat. Occasionally I'd take her up on it, but most of the
time I just didn't want to bother her. I knew she'd deny it, but she had her own life. She
didn't need a man child like myself taking up more of her time.
Today was exceptionally hard to get out of bed though. I felt like I had the weight of the
world trying to hold me down, and I considered calling out of work but then I remembered
that rent was due in a couple of days so I had no choice but to go.
I showered and got into my somewhat of a uniform. The only requirement was that we
wear a plain black shirt and an apron around our waists. I just worked at a little family
owned cafe, I guess you could say I was a manager, but I never really was handed that title.
The owner just treated me as one, and I had a key... So... Yeah, basically a manager.
Though my life wasn't exactly where I wanted it to be, I was content. I had a career lined
up, I had a decent paying job that covered paying off my loans and rent, and my apartment
was within walking distance of the cafe so I didn't have to waste gas.
Today I was working open to close with another person who I was training to take over my
position. I didn't know when I'd be officially done with my internship and into my actual
job, but I didn't want to leave this place empty handed when the day came and Mark
seemed to be a trust worthy guy.
When I got to the cafe, Mark was sitting on the sidewalk waiting for me to get there. I
wasn't late or anything, but I think his girlfriend always dropped him off on days he worked
doubles so he wouldn't have to drive home tired.
Before we opened we went over the owners procedures for opening up, and I explained the
minute differences, such as the way we count the drawers at night and the clean up check
list. It was all pretty much common sense.
He seemed to take on to it pretty well too. So I ended up just making drinks and bouncing
back and forth between cleaning up and being in the back doing some financial clean up for
boss man.
"So that's an espresso and a skinny vanilla latte?" I asked and the woman nodded before
handing me her card. Mark was currently on break, which I felt bad about seeing as closing
was only about an hour away. But to be fair I haven't had a break either, so there's that. We
weren't extra busy or anything today, but we were just two people doing a four person job.
"Keagan Bradley, you are a very hard man to track down." I froze once I heard my name. My
back was turned but the voice wasn't at all familiar. It was deep and menacing sounding
almost.
It felt like an eternity before I actually found the courage to will my body to turn around,
and when I did the person in front of me didn't make me feel any better.
He was a tall man, dark hair, with a nasty scowl on his chiseled face. He looked like one of
those scary henchmen you'd see in superhero movies.
"Can I help you?" I asked, trying my very damnedest not to sound rude.
"You actually can." Said a voice, completely separate from the large man. I looked around to
see where it came from, but there wasn't any one standing nearby but that lady who
ordered a drink and the tall man. But before I could even blink the most beautiful sight I
had ever seen popped out from behind the man and grinned wildly at me.
"J-Jamison?" I asked, not even entirely sure it was actually him! He was a little taller, and
his body had filled out a little more. His usual messy mop of hair was cut shorter and styled
just a bit. This man was definitely didn't look like the boy I fell in love with, but God did he
look good.
"Yeah, it's me." He giggled and turned to the tall man and handed him a five dollar bill.
"Thank you for doing that!" He said, grinning ear to ear as the gruff gentleman let out a
hearty chuckle and excused himself.
I set down the drinks I had in my hands for the woman before hopping over the counter
and going over to Jamison. I couldn't even form the words I wanted to say to him. There
was so much going through my mind as I wrapped my arms around him tightly. I wanted to
know how he has been, I wanted to know how school was, I wanted to know how his family
was doing, hell... I even wanted to know how Russ was doing.
But most importantly, I wanted to know why he was here.
"You okay big guy?" I looked down and noticed I was squishing Jamison, so I loosened my
grip slowly before holding him at an arms length distance away.
"Wha... Jamison." I sighed, now frustrated that my mouth was blatantly refusing to work.
"What are you doing here?!"
"I came to see you." He said softly.
"You... You did?!" My heart was literally aching right now. I couldn't tell if this was just a
cruel joke or if this was an amazing dream, but there was no way this could be real.
"I did, I tried calling and I've tried... I tried everything to get in contact with you Keagan.
Why did you go so far off the grid? Were you hiding from me?"
"No... Well, kind of. I got rid of everything. I just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't only be partially
in your world. It hurt too much."
"Your phone had been disconnected too Keagan, you can't honestly tell me you don't have a
phone now."
"Oh, well I do. It's just not mine. I have a work phone. So... Different number."
"For here?"
"Well no." I laughed. "For the architectural firm I intern at." Jamison's face lit up as I said
that.
"Really?! You... Wow Keagan! I-" he took a deep breath, clearly trying to pick his words
carefully. "I'm so glad you found a career that actually worked with a passion you have."
I smiled and nodded in response. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hadn't painted or
did anything remotely "artistic" outside of what I do for work since he left.
"So how long are you in town for?"
"I don't know... Hopefully forever." He chuckled as he picked something off my shirt. "I have
an interview tomorrow at the Child Welfare and Human Service agency to see if I'm a good
fit for them."
"Really? Why there?" He never really told me what field of of psychology he was in, but I
never would have guessed this was what he wanted to do specifically.
"Well... Honestly you were my muse. After seeing the pain you went through and the lack of
help you received in your childhood made me want to actually help children... I'm still so
sorry about that."
"Don't worry about that. Let that part of the past stay dead." I chuckled.
"Fair enough, I think I can do that." A small silence fell between us then.
"So..." I started but he held up his hand to stop me from talking.
"How much longer is your shift? You have a line forming." He giggled and I looked behind
myself to see Mark coming out from the back and taking control of the line that I had
neglected.
"About an hour, the cafe closes at six on Sunday's."
"Dude, just go! I got this. I'm gonna have to learn on my own somehow." I turned to look at
Mark, who just looked at the two of us elatedly. "Seriously, I've got this. I have your number
if I need anything too."
I looked at him skeptically, but nodded. The owner of this place loved me, so if Mark
thought he was going to pull a fast one on me he was sadly mistaken. But the smile he had
on his face seemed pretty genuine so... I don't know. Either way I wasn't passing up this
opportunity to hang out with Jamie.
So I tossed my waist apron over the counter and headed out with him.
"Where's your car?" He asked as he looked around. "Don't tell me you got rid of that..."
"No of course not. It's back home. I only live a few minutes away. Where are you staying?"
"I have a hotel room... Or had one. I kind of missed my check in time."
Though I knew the likelihood of someone coming through and snagging his room was
unlikely, I kind of had this sneaky suspicion that he didn't actually miss his check in. But I
wasn't going to call him out on that. Why would I? What good would that do? Other than
make him blush and feel stupid? I didn't want to scare him away so early, so instead I just
smiled.
"Do you wanna stay with me? My apartment is seriously right over there." I pointed. "And I
could take you to your interview tomorrow as well."
"Oh Keagan, I couldn't ask you to do that."
"You didn't." I laughed. "I offered. So don't worry about it." He blushed a little before
nodding in acceptance.
"So is there anyone special up there waiting for you to come home?"
"Mmmm nope." I chuckled. "Still single. How about you?"
"I uh, I'm single as well." I glanced over at him after he said that. He had this smile on his
face that I just couldn't read. It was kind of excited, kind of smirky, kind of satisfied, and...
Almost relieved looking.
"Really now?" I asked, trying to hold back my smile as well as I lead him inside and up
stairs to my floor.
"Yeah, between working and school dating just kind of fell down in the list of priorities."
"Yeah I know how that is." I chuckled. "Also, I'm not sure how clean my apartment is, but I'll
just apologize in advance." I said, knowing full well that I didn't have anything to actually
worry about. I didn't have nearly enough things to even cause a small mess, so really I was
just being silly.
"You live here alone?"
"Yup! One bedroom, one bath! It's a pretty decent size though." I smiled and watched him
walk around, but then his eyes locked on a framed photo I had on my bookshelf of he and I.
I wasn't sure if I should crack a joke or not... I mean he must know that he was a huge part
of my life, even if it was for such a short amount of time...
"I uh, you've had a picture of you and I up? Even after all this time?"
"Yeah, is that weird?"
"No... Well at least not to me it isn't. I have the same one as my background this whole time
too."
I grinned at how quickly his cheeks turned that bright shade of red, and just like that I was
brought back to us, all those years ago, as if time never passed and we were still in that old
crowded dorm room. I really never thought I'd see this day again, or at least if I ever did it
wouldn't have been playing out this well.
He was here, he still seemed like the same old Jamison, and he was single. But we were
both just beating around the bush.
"Okay so now I'm dying to know, why are you really here Jamison?"
"What do you mean? I already told you, I came to see you..." I gave him my skeptical look
and smirked when he started to look a little frazzled again.
"C'mon Jamie, you came to see me, you have an interview that just so happens to be pretty
close to where I live, and you keep a picture of us close to you? Spill the beans, why did you
actually go through all this trouble?" He stared at me for a second before sighing and
smiling.
"Okay you got me. I wanted to come back to see if maybe there was anything left between
you and I."
"Well is there?"
"I don't know!" He laughed. "I'd like to think so... I've missed you like crazy Keagan. I
haven't felt like myself in so long, and as soon as I saw you... I almost felt whole again."
I... I didn't know what to say. So instead of saying anything, I just leaned in and kisses him.
Waves of electricity swept over me, and my stomach just erupted with butterflies.
My everything was back in my world.
When we pulled away he looked at me just as nervously as I looked at him. We were both
finally on the same page in our lives, we both had pretty amazing careers lined up, and...
Well we were actually standing in the same room... So what was stopping us?
"You know, you were definitely the cliché "one who got away" Jamison."
"Then don't let me get away again." He whispered as he looked down at his hands, and I
wanted to debate this. I wanted to tell myself that we were crazy for considering this, that I
shouldn't just jump face first into this, but I just couldn't stop myself. This is all I've wanted
for so long. I needed him back in my life more than I needed anything else.
"I don't ever plan on it." I said which earned me a mischievous smirk.
"Good, now prove it to me."
And that was all I needed to hear.

End.
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