ee ee EP EDS | O N

EDITED BY JOAN WEAVER

 About
the
Author

View GERBER, M..A., is a child therapist, lecturer and

consultant on infant care. For many years she was an associate of
Emmi Pikler, M.D. in Budapest, Hungary. She co-founded and
has directed Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) in Los Angeles,
and has taught at Pacific Oaks College in Pasadena, California.
Magda has applied her theories to normal as well as high-risk
infants in several California infant programs. Over several decades
Magda has observed infants and influenced families and infant
programs through teaching and working with parents and
professionals.
Magda has spoken regularly at conferences on early childhood
education where her ideas are becoming widely accepted, under-
stood and applied in the field of infant development and care. She
has edited “The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals,”
written articles for professional publications, and produced two
videos on infant development and care. She is co-author with
Allison Johnson of Your Self-Confident Baby. Her regular column
in Educaring, RIE’s quarterly newsletter, entitled “Dear Magda,
Dear Parent,” served as inspiration for this book.
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 ABOUT EDUCARING, THE RIE™ APPROACH

Infant specialist MAGDA GERBER says:

“If we could observe and see infants as completely competent
for the stage at which they are, we would learn from and about
them, rather than teach them. Being around infants reminds us how
to, be ‘real,’ ‘genuine,’ ‘authentic.’”’
“When we help a child feel secure, feel appreciated, feel that
‘somebody is deeply, truly interested in me,’ by the way we just look,
the way we just listen, we influence a child’s whole personality, the
way that child sees life.”

A CENTER DIRECTOR says:

“As a manager, I have been able to incorporate RIE’s principles
into our infant/toddler program and also into my own management
style. Our center has been successful in developing teams that work
together and feel appreciated by their peers.”

PARENTS say:
“RIE is not dogmatic; it is as flexible as each person’s own inner
voice.... There’s nothing to buy; it’s a matter of seeing and hearing
what’s right before our eyes.”
“RIE has a commonsense simplicity that allows everyone in the
family to be heard and respected.”
“RIE has strengthened our ability to learn directly from our
daughter about her needs, interests and competencies.”

A CAREGIVER says:
“RIE helped me to support parents and their infants by relaxing,
trusting, and tuning in to the needs of the infant and the concerns
of the parent. It helped me respect myself and accept that this work
is a lifelong process of awareness and reflection.”

A PARENT-INFANT TEACHER says:

“My work has become easier, more interesting, and more
satisfying.”
 DEAR PARENT
CARING FOR
INFANTS
WITH RESPECT
Expanded Edition
MAGDA GERBER
Edited by Joan Weaver

A publication of Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE™)

Los Angeles, California
DEAR PARENT CARING FOR INFANTS WITH RESPECT
Expanded Edition
by Magda Gerber, edited by Joan Weaver
Additional chapters on Family Child Care and Center-Based Care

Published by: Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE™)

1550 Murray Circle
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(323) 663-5330, FAX (323) 663-5586
website: www.RIE.org, email: Educarer@RIE.org

Copyright © 1998, 2002 by Magda Gerber

Publication coordinated by Ruth R. Money,
with Elizabeth Memel, Carol Pinto, and Bill Josephs.
Photos by Karen Ziskin.
Cover Design by Kristen Dietrick.
Additional Chapter 48 by Ruth R. Money, Chapter 49 by Catherine Coughlan..
Additional photos by Denise Kelton (pages 4 & 32), Melody Lawrence (pages 14 & 48),
Jung Sun Wohn (page 89), Jude Keith Rose (page 122), Daisy Gerber (pages 128 &
202), Jody Perlman (page 150), Nina Arthur (pages 192, 201, 211 & 212); unknown
photographer (inside front cover).
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
without the prior written permission of the publisher, except for the inclusion of brief
quotations in a review.

Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper.

Cataloging-in-Publication Data provided by Publisher
Gerber, Magda
Dear parent : caring for infants with respect / [written by] Magda Gerber ; edited
by Joan Weaver. Expanded ed., 2’ ed. — Los Angeles, CA : Resources for Infant
Educarers (RIE™), 2002.
Xviii, 223 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
Title from spine: Caring for infants with respect.
Includes two new chapters: A brief visit to a RIE infant center by Ruth R. Money ;
RIE in a family child care home by Catherine Coughlan.
Includes index.
ISBN 10: 1-892560-06-2 ISBN 13: 978-1-892560-06-3
1. Infants — Care. 2. Parenting. 3. Child care. 4. Child rearing. 5. Caregivers —
Training of. 6. Day care centers. 7. Family day care. I. Money, Ruth R. II. Coughlan,
Catherine. III. Weaver, Joan. IV. Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE™). V. RIE™. VI.
Title. VI. Title: Caring for infants with respect.
HQ744.G47 2002
649'.122—dc21
 To the worldwide RIE and Pikler communities,
supporting wellness from the very beginning of life,

and

to parents and professionals everywhere,

may you be guided and inspired by the infants
in your care.
Although the ideas in this book have worked for many families, not all suggestions
may be suitable for you and your child. The author and publisher advise you to
use your common sense and your intimate knowledge of your own child. We
cannot be held responsible for the misuse of any information in this book.

Vi
 Contents

Preface to the Second Edition. ..........

Acknowledgments from the First Edition
Authoreiiotess i Ws, 4 ass. BE. SS

Introduction
1. EDUCARING: Meeting the Needs of Infants and
Parents . ..POMQEEIE
& fQe9TTES, 9144

The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

2. Caregiving Routines: One-to-One, with Full
Attention 8°34 LARS UH Og Aare
eOnieaching and Learnings Fae s+. 4.4
. Time Apart: A Space for Your Baby .......
. Allowing Infants to Do What They Can Do ...
WW
ph
Own. The Responsibility of Parenthood ........

The First Weeks and Months

7. At Home-with a Newborn -... .. 7788y),
At.
8, *Talking.to Your Baby... SWE! Gey", oe
9. On Their Backs, Freeto Move. .........
10; Crying and Colic. ,.. ..Stee.fue gees
iT Holditig ore. &.% se Oe PO7trT PE,
12. ‘Thumb varPaciher¥?) Sy oe ae,

vii
Educaring in Daily Life
13; At Their Own Time, and In Their Own Way . . 53
14. Predictability: Helping Your Child Feel Secure . 57
15. Learning to:'Observe .. etme oe ee = 63
16: eeandsWA Ta ee ree ret oe, Wee a matey Gae 67
0 Authentic Infant, Competent Child. ...... 71
18. Quality Time’: «2% Shabetoie apantnrt.. - 75
19. Diapering 1:78 34: wit cee 79
20. Feeding: o.. oi. 222 . 7. eV eNotes 83
21: Sleeping). bes meee seeh irish os Male Pees 91
22) Choosing, Play Objects. 202 2 ioe wR 97
25. Outdoor Living: 50 2) 27.5. > . geek 103

The RIE Approach to Discipline

24. Discipline: Clarifying the Goal. ........ 107
25. “House Rulesiat vist aeatt Sue. Seen Ae 111
26. Praise or Acknowledgment. .......... 117
27. Opposing Needs, Different Points of View . . . 119

As They Grow
28. Adapting to New Developments ........ 123
29. Separation and Stranger Anxiety. ....... too
a0 SOnaring and coniictse «cn ayers 2 ere 129
31. Biting ©. +40. <. shel Geetse 133
52. loddlets<... . svwbwat = Bebe enol oh.8 133,
55, lolletiltaining..... ...w8ea eoelt ef acueict 0. 139

Parenting and Other Jobs

34. Parent Support Groups. .. & «=... gaeeere.
tb 143
Lek Decisions, Decisions (on Working) ...... 145
36. Infant Care Alternatives ............ 147

Viii
Speaking Out on Basic Issues
37. Fads and Trends in Child Rearing (What Is the
ae Vg PN) SO ges Se 0 ee Pe eee 151
Pe SEU UICCL OE eiyerted WS Vac S GT oe cen s5s 157
39. Equipment: What Is Really Necessary? 159
40° Wishestorthe Future yy le ee 163
QS On Bovine Sy nt. ce mk ei eee ees 167

42. Does RIE Make a Difference?. ........ 171

435 One Fanily,*One Saturday led) .ap.c are fers TS
44; Appreciating RIB a: sitet: Cans te, oe, Ce 177

Appendix
45. Educaring -Some Examples ......... 181
46. Reflections on My Work with Dr. Pikler. . . . 185
ARVADOUPRIEGH Hh ude PaO ap Oe. 191
48. A Brief Visit toa RIE Infant Center ...... 193
49. RIE ina Family Child Care Home ....... 203

Pracdex SRE SPL Pay

FERS See 213
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 Preface to the
Second Edition

Aree EDITION HAS BEEN EXPANDED to include two new

chapters on using RIE principles to care for infants in group
settings. Although the situation in an infant day care center or
family day care home is different from that within the family, the
philosophy and even the methods are the same: each infant is
given personalized, one-to-one care.
In the main chapters of the book, Magda Gerber explains in
great detail how to care for an infant respectfully, focusing on the
establishment of an authentic, trusting relationship between the
adult and infant. This interaction between mother and baby,
based on observation and reciprocal responsiveness, is the model
for others who want to provide respectful one-to-one care for
infants in groups. Respectful relationships among caregivers,
parents, and administrators are also integral to the success of a
child care center. Four chapters of the Appendix address the
topic of caring for infants in various group settings.
When the idea of individual care in a group situation is pro-
posed, the question is often asked, “What do you do when all
four infants are crying to be fed at the same time?” This book
shows infants in group care settings enjoying individual care
rather than assembly-line treatment. It shows infants adjusting
to a predictable rhythm where the infants know that they will
each have an unhurried turn when their physical needs will be
met by feeding, changing, or holding; and their emotional needs
will be met by the Educarer’s individualized quality of attention.

xi
Preface to the Second Edition

As more and more mothers with young children have entered

the work force in recent years, RIE has been actively dedicated
to improving the quality of infant care in centers and other set-
tings. This effort has been spurred on by research showing that
secure attachment to one person is good, but to two is better, and
by another study of infants in day care showing the importance
of secure attachment to the other primary caregivers in addition
to the parents. It is in the security of the relationship that the
infant finds the freedom to develop optimally and to learn about
the world.
The development of guidelines for putting RIE principles of
Educaring into practice in infant care centers began with the
founding of the first RIE demonstration infant care center in
1988. Other centers continue to use these guidelines today as
part of RIE’s accreditation process.
With the addition of these new chapters on group care and
education, we hope that the book will open insights on how it is
possible and practical to care for infants in an unhurried,
one-to-one respectful way in a group setting. Caregivers who
model and share this approach with parents can be a support to
parents in their important job of establishing a lifelong relation-
ship with their children starting in infancy.

RUTH R. MONEY

Xii
 Acknowledgments
From the First Edition

Le MANY DECADES, my work has focused on infants from

birth until two years of age. Throughout my tenure as director
of Resources for Infant Educarers, and previously with the
Demonstration Infant Program, I have been surrounded by
dedicated and hardworking volunteers. In the preparation of this
book, I would like to thank:
All the parents who shared their experiences and those in-
volved in publishing RIE’s quarterly newsletter, Educaring, where
much of the material first appeared (and especially Lisa Bailey,
Tinker Beatty, Deborah Bellini, Valorie Cole, Prosy Delacruz, Jill
Flyer, Linda Hinrichs, Becky Hopkins, Andrea King, Peter
Mangione, Lelia Moskowitz, Maria Papacostaki, Carol Pinto,
Julia Poll, Mimi Sabo, Ellen Sandler, Isabel Story, Joyce Taylor
and Noreen Winkler, whose anecdotes are quoted herein, in
italics);
Joan Weaver, my editor, whose vision, determination and
organization made this book a reality;
Ruth Money, who assumed the responsibility, with RIE, for
publishing and distributing this first edition of Dear Parent;
Carol Pinto and Elizabeth Memel, who with Joan and Ruth
worked as a team throughout the design, review, and publication
process;
Bill Josephs, who did the desktop publishing;
Karen Ziskin, Melody Lawrence, Jude Keith Rose, Jung Sun
Wohn, Jody Pearlman, Coleen McClure Morell, Denise Kelton

xiil
Acknowledgments

and Daisy Gerber, who took the photographs;

Hari Grebler and David Wakeam, who designed the front
cover;
All those who commented on the manuscript in its various
stages, especially Kei Kaneshiro, Linda Hinrichs and Zina
Josephs;
All those who contributed additional expertise in the technical
and practical aspects of the book’s publication and distribution
(and especially Ed and Irene Van der Zande and the staff at the
Santa Cruz Toddler Care Center, whose book based on the RIE
philosophy, 1, 2, 3... The Toddler Years, focuses on life with older
infants);
My other friends and colleagues for their many years of
dedicated support;
My children: Mayo, Daisy and Bence.
MAGDA GERBER

And from the Editor:

Special thanks to my RIE colleagues Ruth Money, Elizabeth
Memel and Carol Pinto, and to Bill Josephs and Kei Kaneshiro
for all their efforts; to Sandy Davie of the Santa Cruz Toddler
Care Center and Diana Suskind, who listened and encouraged;
to Robert Mann, who first told me about Magda; and to my three
families (Weaver, Drulias, Groell), to Magda Gerber and to
Lucinda Ziesing for their unique and important contributions to
my personal and professional growth along the way.
JOAN WEAVER

XiV
 Author’s Note

I STILL REMEMBER MY first reaction after the birth of my

daughter. I was amazed at how difficult it was to be a parent. I
was angry. Why didn’t anyone prepare me for this? I thought I
was the only one who didn’t know what to do with babies and
somehow in my education someone had forgotten to tell me.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Parenting is a most difficult job for which you cannot really
prepare yourself. Can we make it easier? My answer is yes!
How?—tby not trying to do the impossible while missing the
obvious.

Enjoy More, Work Less

At RIE we urge parents to relax, observe, and enjoy what
their babies are doing, noticing and enjoying new skills as they
develop naturally.
A parent’s role is to provide a secure and predictable environ-
ment. You do have to be sensitive to your infant’s changing
needs; the infant has to feel your caring presence. But you don’t
have to teach. You don’t have to buy more gadgets. You and your
infant can just exist and enjoy each other as your relationship
develops.
The misleading thing about this is that it sounds so easy. But
it isn’t, because in our society we are bombarded with messages
to buy this and teach that.
No matter how impressive any philosophy of child rearing
may sound, it is quite another to apply it to everyday situations.
Author’s Note

It is difficult to believe that one can be a better parent by sitting

and watching. Yet, our motto is, “Observe more, do less.” In
asking parents to accept this different mode of parenting, we are
asking a lot.
In giving parents advice, I apply principles used by Dr. Emmi
Pikler along with those I have developed for babies; | make
information available, and parents use it when they are ready for
it (See, Reflections on My Work with Dr. Pikler, page 185). I do
present my knowledge and experiences, hoping that eventually
you will try to implement some of these ideas and that you will
keep trying even if the new approach does not bring miraculous
results right away (although sometimes it does).

Understanding, Insight, Long-Term Learning

At RIE we like to “sow seeds.” We offer guidelines for sorting
through the many conflicting and confusing bits of advice that
will come your way as parents; what it will be like living with a
new baby; how to prepare the physical environment; what to buy,
and certainly what not to buy. We discuss what to expect from
a newborn and a young baby and how to do the impossible:
respond to a newborn’s needs without completely exhausting
yourselves. We focus on how to develop a dialogue, how to
respond to a crying baby, your role, the baby’s role, etc. We help
parents understand how a baby learns to trust, how he develops
skills and competencies, and how to learn about each baby’s
unique characteristics. We talk about how to let your infant know
about your expectations, and just what those expectations are,
both overt and covert. In summary, we plant “confident parent
seeds.”
My goal is for you really to understand what I mean. Then
you can take what you like and reject what you don’t like. But

Xvi
 Author’s Note

that is what is so difficult, the understanding.

It is easy to give advice, but if good advice would work, we
would all be perfect. I do not expect you or any other parent to
be superhuman. I just hope that the RIE principles will slowly
become part of your awareness, your thinking and your actions,
and that eventually, when they truly become part of you, they will
serve you as your own inner guidelines. Those inner guidelines
can gently remind you whenever you slip to “try again,” which
means to use a little more patience, empathy, and sensitivity next
time.
What we are trying to impart is a quality of experience—a
way of relating that can be used at all levels of growth. In the long
run our goal is to help parents learn to live and let live with their
infants and later with their older children. Such insight cannot
be “taught.” Long-term learning is a slow process. It must hap-
pen organically—allowing for time in which the seeds of under-
standing may sprout, grow, bloom, and bear fruit.
And especially for expectant parents, I would like to add:
I am aware that now you are preoccupied with the birth of your
baby, and everything that happens afterwards may seem remote
and intangible. Yet this is the ideal time to become acquainted
with some basic RIE ideas. If you were to ask parents who
learned about the RIE approach later, they would tell you how
much easier it is to develop good habits from the beginning than
to undo and change “bad” habits later.

Seeing Infants With New Eyes

While there are many organizations, classes, and publications
which desire to improve the care of infants, we believe there is
a difference in the way we at RIE see the infant.
I hope that parents, reading this book, will appreciate the

XVil
Author’s Note

difference if they observe the way infants develop and learn when
they are allowed to move at their own time and in their own way.
I hope that parents will let go of the belief that, unless they help
or teach them, their infants will not learn motor skills soon
enough or well enough. I hope parents will learn to relax and
observe their babies and enjoy seeing new miracles happening all
of the time. I hope children will grow up with less anxiety, more
confidence and more security.
If some of this anxiety, anger and frustration could be elimi-
nated, could it possibly affect our anxious and angry society? Let
us hope so!
Good luck and many rewards.
 Introduction

1. EDUCARING: Meeting
the Needs of
Infants and Parents

Wai DO INFANTS really need, and how can parents

recognize and meet those needs? Also, what do parents need, and
how can they recognize and meet their own needs?
Becoming acquainted with some basic RIE ideas can make
your incredibly difficult task as a parent much easier and more
pleasurable. The RIE approach is surprisingly simple and
commonsensical. (RIE is pronounced “rye.”)
We should educate while we care and care while we educate.
To emphasize this, I coined the words “Educarer” and
“Educaring” to describe our philosophy.

The Basis of the RIE Approach: RESPECT

Respect is the basis of the RIE philosophy.
We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every
time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating
even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not as an
object.
At RIE we show respect, for example, by not picking up an
infant without telling him beforehand, by talking directly to him
and not over him, and by waiting for the child’s response. Such
respectful attitudes help to develop an authentic child.
Introduction

Our Goal: An Authentic Child

An authentic child is one who feels secure, autonomous, and
competent.
When we help a child to feel secure, feel appreciated, feel that
“somebody is deeply, truly interested in me,” by the way we just
look, the way we just listen, we influence that child’s whole per-
sonality, the way that child sees life.

Trust in the Infant’s Competence

We have basic trust in the infant to be an initiator, to be an
explorer eager to learn what he is ready for.
Because of this trust, we provide the infant with only enough
help necessary to allow the child to enjoy mastery of her own
actions.

Sensitive Observation
Our method, guided by respect for the infant’s competence,
is observation. We observe carefully to understand the infant’s
communications and his needs.
The more we observe, the more we understand and appreci-
ate the enormous amount and speed of learning that happens
during the first two or three years of life. We become more hum-
ble, we teach less, and we provide an environment for learning
instead.

Caregiving Times: Involving the Child

During care activities (diapering, feeding, bathing, dressing,
etc.), we encourage even the tiniest infant to become an active
participant rather than a passive recipient of the activities. Par-
ents create opportunities for interaction, cooperation, intimacy
and mutual enjoyment by being wholeheartedly with the infant

2
 EDUCARING: Meeting the Needs of Infants and Parents

during the time they spend together anyway.

“Refueled” by such unhurried, pleasurable caring experi-
ences, infants are ready to explore their environment with only
minimal intervention by adults.

A Safe, Challenging, Predictable Environment

Our role is to create an environment in which the child can
best do all the things that the child would do naturally. The more
predictable an environment is, the easier it is for babies to learn.
As infants become more mobile, they need safe, appropriate
space in which to move. Their natural, inborn desire to move
should not be handicapped by the environment.

Time for Uninterrupted Play and Freedom to Explore

We give the infant plenty of time for uninterrupted play.
Instead of trying to teach babies new skills while they play and
explore, we appreciate and admire what babies are actually doing.

Consistency
We establish clearly defined limits and communicate our
expectations to develop discipline.

EDUCARING: A Secure Beginning

At RIE, parents learn how infant and family rhythms develop
into predictable routines and how “separate time” and “together
time” can be enjoyed.
If you identify and agree with our basic principles, you can
use them to develop inner guidelines for responding to the many
perplexing issues of parenthood.
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different
 The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

oe Caregiving Routines:
One-to-One, with
Full Attention

\VHAT AN INFANT NEEDS—what every human being

wants—is to experience the full undivided attention of a parent
or other significant person. But nobody can pay full attention all
of the time.
The natural time to be wholeheartedly with your child is the
time you do spend together anyway—while you care for your
baby. Think of these “taking-care-of” routines as very special,
the “refueling” time for both of you—time for intimate together-
ness.
Take the telephone off the hook before you intend to feed,
bathe, or diaper your baby, and tell your infant, “I’m going to
take the phone off the hook so nobody will disturb us, because
now I really want to be just with you.” (When you say it, you
reinforce yourself.)
“Unbusy” your head and “unbusy” your body. Be fully there,
interested only in your baby for that time.
I believe it is healthy for any child to get this genuine interest.
Approaching caregiving as quality time with your infant will
give you more enjoyable time together, and will give him the
feeling that you value your time together, which affirms for your
infant his value as a person. After such intimate moments, your
baby will be pleased to explore by himself if you have prepared
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

the proper environment. (See, Time Apart: A Space for Your

Baby, page 15)
The following guidelines are designed for making all care
activities enjoyable, quality times, rich with invaluable learning
experiences.
e Prepare ahead. Before involving the baby, have
everything ready so you won't have to search for a
diaper, spoon, towel or an item of clothing, which
would disrupt the continuity of your time together.
e@ Observe what the child is doing. If he is absorbed
in activity, do not interrupt him, but wait for the right
moment to intervene.
e Explain to your child what you are going to do.
This pattern can begin in early infancy in all interac-
tions. Although the infant does not understand your
words at first, he will soon begin to associate your
sounds and tone of voice with your gestures and
actions, and his anticipation will grow for enjoyable
time shared together with his parents.
© Communicate with the child. Once you have the
infant’s attention, tell him you want to do something
together. Gently take any toys or objects out of his
hands, explaining what you are doing, and tell him
you want to pick him up now. Reach out and wait for
a response. Do not pick up your child unexpectedly
or from behind. Begin this pattern even with very
young infants, who may not show any visible re-
sponse at first. It helps foster a style of two-way com-
munication that respectfully involves the child.
e Explain and show your infant what you are do-
ing, step by step. Allow your infant to follow and

6
 Caregiving Routines: One-to-One, with Full Attention

become involved in the process, to make eye contact,

study your face, vocalize, initiate play, follow your
actions and respond to you, and you to him.
@ Slow down. In order for your baby to have time to
truly participate, everything you do should be “slowed
down.”
e@ Pay full attention. Whenever you care, do it abso-
lutely with full attention. If you pay half attention all
the time, that’s never full attention. Babies are then
always half hungry for attention. But if you pay full
attention part of the time, then you go a long way.
That’s what I would recommend: to be fully with a
child and then let him be.
These guidelines are general, and you will find that, as your
infant matures, you will need to continually adapt to your child’s
age and stage of development. You will need to get a “feel” for
your own style of interaction, sensitive to the distinct personalities
of each of you. The social interactions of the infant and parent
are full of the unexpected, full of new delights and new
challenges.
Lag
From the very beginning, we have tried to let Julia know what
we are going to do with her before doing it. Although we believed
in relating to Julia with respect, we did not anticipate the power
of this type of communication. We quickly learned that words were
not our only means of communicating to Julia about what was
coming next. A knock on her door, a touch on her hand or foot,
eye contact, or the movement of our hands conveyed a message to
Julia. If the message came slowly, and promptly preceded an
action, she started to anticipate our next movement or action.
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

Julia’s responsiveness to our communications would not be

possible without giving her time to respond. We were both deter-
mined to follow Magda’s advice to slow down with Julia, but at
first, we did not realize how slow “slow” should be. Even when we
thought we were going slowly, Julia sometimes would look a little
out of sorts. If we would make our “slow pace” slower, she would
calm down and become alert.
The impact of respectful communication became most appar-
ent during routines. When we would change Julia’s clothes, for
instance, we would be deliberate and let her know about each
action. Before slipping her arm through a sleeve, we would touch
her and say to her in simple words what was going to happen.
During the first several weeks, she looked to the side when. her
clothes were changed, but she nevertheless seemed to be paying
attention. Then, she started to look at us during clothes changes
and observed each of our actions.
Soon she started participating in little ways. She would pull
up on an arm when it was time to slip it out of a sleeve. Julia’s
growing interest and involvement in changing time made it one of
the most enjoyable times with her. Even when she was fussy, she
would calm down and become alert when one of us would take her
to the changing table. Her grandmother, who saw Julia for the first
time at nine weeks, commented that she had never seen a baby
take such delight at changing time. In fact, one time when Julia
was quite upset, her grandmother jokingly suggested that we do a
changing routine to help Julia settle down. Sure enough, as soon
as one of us let Julia know that we were going to take her to the
changing table, she became calm and alert.
Respectful communication has also added to the pleasure of
nursing for her mother, Mimi. When the time would come for
switching sides, Mimi would consistently say to Julia that she was

8
 Caregiving Routines: One-to-One, with Full Attention

going to break Julia’s suction on the breast, wait for several mo-
ments, and then with her finger gently.touch Julia’s lip. After a few
weeks, Julia started to pull away from the breast on her own when
Mimi would say to Julia it was time to change sides.

The framework I have set forth is open enough to allow space

within its structure for you to be able to grow with your child, to
improvise and respond spontaneously to unexpected behaviors,
and to stay cued in and aware of your child as an individual. This
“personalized” approach to caregiving promotes the development
of an infant’s self-confidence, body awareness, social attentive-
ness and responsiveness. It also encourages an infant in the
difficult, but crucial and exciting, struggle for autonomy.
An infant who is allowed to participate actively in the process
of his care will be encouraged to be a willingly independent child
and to master his own self-care as he grows older.
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different
 The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

Sy 02) Teaching
and Learning

ye INFANT always learns. At RIE we believe that babies

should not be taught because it usually interferes with learning.
The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the
more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.
Infants constantly learn by taking in, finding out, discovering,
integrating and organizing the real world around them. Knowl-
edge gained this way will serve them best in their everyday lives.
If only people would trust nature’s plan for how babies are
created, they could relax and enjoy all the daily miracles of
natural development.

What to Teach? Why?

Parents are the first and the most important teachers of their
children. I also know how pressured parents are by books, arti-
cles, television and by other parents to do something to stimulate
learning in their infants. (See, Fads and Trends in Child Rearing,
page 151)
We believe that infants always do what they can do, what they
want to do, what they are compelled from inside to do. How do
adults dare believe they know what an infant is ready to learn at
any particular moment?
Most people teach what infants know or would learn anyway.
Don’t average, normal children in average, “good enough” envi-
ronments learn about colors, about shapes, about off and on?

11
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

Why teach it, when they learn these concepts so well in an every-
day environment with an attentive parent? I think Jean Piaget
said it beautifully: When you teach a child something, you take
away forever his chance of discovering it for himself.
Whenever you restrict an infant from doing what he could
and would do naturally, in my mind you tell the child, “I know
what’s good for you.” But you, the adult, do not know. For
example, most children (not all), when they first go down stairs,
go head first—they like to see where they go. Some people say
it’s safer for infants to crawl down stairs backwards, and they
teach infants how to go down in that way. The child may become
confused because his body tells him one thing and the adult
another, and then the child may fall.
The way a baby moves naturally, when he does hae feels
right for his body at that particular time, is always the safest.
(See, At Their Own Time, and In Their Own Way, page 53)
If you teach something a child is not ready for, that child may
feel, “I don’t quite know what is expected of me, but whatever I
do is not appreciated.”
I wonder if parents realize that taking time to teach their
infant may deprive the infant of time spent learning what is
relevant.

Free Movement, Free Play

We do not teach infants how to move, because we believe
each baby knows much better. We do not interfere with their
play. We do not interfere with what they choose from the avail-
able materials. These are areas where at RIE we say, absolutely,
“hands off.” We are always interested to know, “What would this
child choose to do now, if not taught to do something else?”
Young children are explorers and initiators. They learn in

12
 On Teaching and Learning

spite of what we teach. A safe environment in which the baby can

move and explore provides the kind of learning experience the
child profits from the most. When infants have enough space,
safe space, they will do exactly the movements that they are ready
for—because they have the opportunity.
As we observe infants, it almost looks as if they are working
rather than playing: they are fully involved, absorbed in what they
are doing. We don’t need to invent exercises for them. They learn
to follow their instincts and to trust their own judgment.
Infants accomplish mastery by endless repetitions, continuing
the same activity over and over again, long after adults may have
lost interest. When an infant repeats an action many, many times,
he is not bored. Rather, he is learning thoroughly about that
action, making it a part of himself and his world. When he has
learned it to his own satisfaction, he will move on to another new
activity.
While playing, children work through conflicts with objects,
other children and adults. Play provides an outlet for curiosity,
information about the physical world, and a safe way to deal with
anxiety and social relationships. In the long run, play serves chil-
dren’s inner needs, hopes and aspirations.

Learning About Everyday Life

What should infants really learn from their parents? When
the parents tell the child what they are doing, the baby learns
about the real world around him. Babies have to learn the most
important things in life—who they are, how to communicate,
what makes mommy or daddy happy or upset. Teaching is not
a separate function. It is an everyday life experience. The best
thing to teach a young baby is everyday life.
e About his needs: “You seem thirsty. Would you like

13
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

this drink?”
e About his belongings: “Let’s put your shirt on. Are
you ready to put your arm in the sleeve?”
e About your concerns: “The street isn’t safe. I cannot
let you run after your ball.”
What parents teach is themselves, as models of what is
human—by their moods, their reactions, their facial expressions
and actions. These are the real things parents need to be aware
of, and of how they affect their children. Allow them to know you,
and it might become easier for them to learn about themselves.
 The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

4, Time Apart:
A Space for Your Baby

|Fite INFANT NEEDS an absolutely safe environment, one

in which he can freely move around as his motor skills develop.
A safe environment not only allows the infant to spend unin-
terrupted time exploring and learning, but also allows the parents
to pursue their own projects. When the child needs care again,
both infant and parents can enjoy the interaction fully without
distraction.
(My definition of a safe environment is this: if whoever is in
charge of the infant were someday accidentally locked out of the
house until the end of the day, the infant would survive. The
infant might be upset, be tired, be hungry, be crying—but the
infant would still be safe.)

A Peaceful Environment
Frequently young babies are subjected to too much stimula-
tion. Often adults do not recognize an infant’s need for peace and
quiet.
Many times the appropriate place for your baby is his own
space or own room. He should be within hearing distance of the
parent, but out of the way of too much household activity.
Some experts tell you to take your baby with you wherever
you go to give her security. We believe that babies derive security
not only from being near their parents but also from being
allowed to explore their environment freely on their own.

15
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

(See, Time Together, Time Apart, page 17)

You need to check in frequently and, of course, be available
when the baby needs to be fed, diapered, bathed, etc. By all
means, be with your baby when you enjoy relaxing and just
watching him. (See, Quality Time, page 75)

From Crib to Playpen to Floor

A bassinet or crib is all right to start, and a playpen is suitable
until the baby starts turning over and moving about by rolling. In
the first months infants are not locomotive—cannot move far
away from where we put them—-so they do not find these small
places restrictive. On the contrary, it is their familiar place with
their familiar objects in it. Boundaries give these babies feelings
of security.
With a duplicate crib and a playpen out-of-doors, a baby can
spend many hours napping and playing in a safe place outside
without parents having to watch every minute. (See, Outdoor
Living, page 103)
At about five to six months, as your baby becomes more
mobile, she can spend increasingly more time on the floor in her
larger safe space. Having some simple objects near enough for
her to be able to reach will allow her to manipulate them and
play. Having some objects just out of reach may encourage her
to move towards them.

First “Toys”
For the first two months, babies’ most valuable play objects
are their own hands and their parents’ faces, etc.
As a first “toy,” I recommend a scarf about 18 inches square,
made of strong, colorful cotton, such as Dr. Pikler used at Loczy.
(Silk or nylon is dangerous, as is a scarf that is too small.) Hold

16
 Time Apart: A Space for Your Baby

the scarf in the middle and place it to make a peak. This will
provide an interesting visual target. The reason I prefer the scarf
over mobiles is that, when the infant is ready, she will be able to
grasp and manipulate this material in endless ways, always having
‘new sights and feelings: pulling it over, then on, her face; chew-
ing on it; lying on it, not being able to pull it out from under her
own body; or later, tugging it back and forth with another infant.
(See, Choosing Play Objects, page 97)

Safe Boundaries
Before your child starts rolling and crawling is the best time
to child-proof a room, using a gate to prevent his going into
unsafe territory. (If a whole room is not available, part of a room
can safely be partitioned.)
Parents often react negatively when I suggest using gates in
the home to create boundaries for their infants. Contrary to what
many people believe, a gated room is a safe room which gives
infants freedom to move and explore in safe and familiar
surroundings. If the gate has been part of your baby’s environ-
ment from the beginning, he will naturally accept it just like any
other familiar object surrounding him. If, on the other hand, you
put it up after he has crept out of his room, he will rightly view
it as a restraining device to keep him from doing what he wants.
How much better it is, in my opinion, to create a truly safe
place, with a secure gate to divide it from the rest of the house,
than to keep a child “safe” by either strapping him into a swing,
infant seat, etc., or by constantly following him around in order
to restrain him from household hazards.

Time Together, Time Apart

When adults try to do their own work while trying to pay

17
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

attention to their children, both parent and child end up feeling

frustrated. This trap, I feel, is created by books and advisors who
say that a baby needs to have his parent near him at all times. As
a result, many parents move their babies around with them,
placing them on kitchen tables, bathroom floors and other unsafe
places. A confined baby, strapped in an infant seat, is limited in
his movement and has less freedom than a child actively exploring
his own familiar space behind a safety gate.
Children learn best through involvement, both with their
environment and with others. If a child has a pleasant place to
play, where he can move around on his own, exploring his envi-
ronment, this, in turn, frees the parents to do their own work,
and both their needs and their child’s needs can be met.
Many parents are concerned about not being “good parents”
when they are not with their child. I still do not quite understand
why it is so difficult for parents to accept that it is all right to
leave a child in this totally safe space, while the parent is available
but doing something else within hearing distance. (See, One
Family, One Saturday, page 173)
A baby can learn to spend time by himself. It is important for
him to discover satisfaction and joy in his own independence.
Children who have learned to rely on being stimulated, manipu-
lated and entertained by adults may lose their capacities to be
absorbed in independent, exploratory activities.
Infants don’t need constant attention—what they need is to
be safe and secure. Certainly being shuffled from room to room
while the parent works does not build security.
An adult way of life is not a child’s way of life. Both parents
and infants need time for themselves. Spending time apart helps
make the together times all the more rich.

18
 The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

5. Allowing
Infants to Do What
They Can Do

I; IS UNDERSTANDABLE that new parents believe that, if

they can raise their children well, their children will live happily
ever after. In spite of “knowing better,” parents dream of
recreating “paradise” where their children never hurt or suffer
or even have to struggle.
This desire makes parents provide constant entertainment,
allow no frustration, and continually carry their baby around all
the time. They may even feed their baby after the first whimper,
without waiting to find out if the baby is really hungry. Is this a
way to prepare for real life? On the other hand, can we expect
a young baby to be able to cope with the many ongoing frustra-
tions of daily life? How can a parent keep a balance between
over-indulgence and not helping enough?
The reality of human life is that every child has to eventually
separate and hecome her own person. This is a gradual process.
Parental attitudes can make it easier or more difficult. To accept
and enjoy the present, at every developmental stage, makes it
easy. To try to push or interfere with natural development makes
it difficult.

19
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

“Observe, and Wait”

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the
infant is capable of handling a situation. For instance, when an
infant looks at an object (or maybe even reaches for it), many
adults rush to hand the object to the infant—not realizing that,
by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and
learning from his own actions.
As I say so often, “Observe, and wait.” Sometimes you may
even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only
your assumption. It is natural to make mistakes and easy to
misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important
to keep trying.
Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies
should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very
beginning.
Here are some other examples of what I mean:
e@ Mother places her nipple on baby’s cheek. The root-
ing reflex moves baby’s head towards the breast.
e Father, with outstretched arms, looks at baby and
asks, “Do you want to be picked up?” Baby is given
time to make a choice.
e@ Aneleven-month-old’s ball gets stuck under a shelf.
His expression shows he is upset. He kicks his legs.
Parent says, “Oh, your ball got stuck. What can you
do?” Child cries. Parent waits quietly or may say,
“This upsets you,” showing empathy without taking
over. Child pulls ball and ball rolls out.
Had the mother thrust the breast into the baby’s mouth, had the
father picked up the baby regardless of the baby’s reaction, or
had the parent given the ball to the child, these children could
have been deprived of trying to handle the situation, learning by

20
 Allowing Infants to Do What They Can Do

doing, and experiencing the joy of mastery.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for
herself, and she can do things for herself.
You also know that sometimes your infant does need help,
but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the
child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem-
solver.
We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems.
The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more
capable we feel the next time.

Competent and Confident

By closely supervising our infants, by allowing them to do
what they are capable of, by restraining ourselves from rescuing
them too often, by waiting and waiting and waiting, by giving
minimal help when they really need it, we allow our infants to
learn and grow at their own time, and in their own way.
I believe that, no matter how much and how fast the world
changes, a well-grounded, competent and confident person is
best equipped to adapt to it. This is our goal.
ee
Magda asked us to observe the babies to see what they chose
to do on their own. This wasn’t easy for me. I could not sit back
and allow Rachel the least frustration or difficulty. I was too
anxious to sit quietly and allow Rachel to cry and struggle. When
she cried, I felt uneasy and wanted to do anything to stop the
crying. Magda asked ifI could make myself wait before I inter-
vened. As I was waiting to see ifRachel could handle things on her
own, I realized that inside my grown-up self there was a restless,
helpless child who did not know what to do. I still wonder about

2a
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

the source of this restlessness. Had anyone allowed me to figure

out things for myself when I was a baby?
In class a few days later, Rachel was lying on her back in the
infant room, her two favorite toys—a shiny copper bowl and some
beads—on the floor at her side. She looked at these objects with
interest, reached toward them, and when she could not reach
them, whimpered a little and looked toward me. I wanted to help
her as I always had, but I remembered what Magda had said,
“Wait.” Many times Rachel reached for an object and became
increasingly frustrated when she could not retrieve it, and she
started to cry. It was painful for me to watch how she would turn
toward an object, reach tentatively toward it, whimper or cry, then
return to her back. It was difficult to acknowledge that she had
learned to give up so easily because of my unnecessary help.
Although she had the motor ability to reach an object, she didn’t
have the will to get it by herself. I had taught her helplessness.
Gradually, through months of patient observation, guided by
Magda, I was able to quiet myself enough to sit back and allow
Rachel the opportunity to struggle. I began to respect her for her
courage, patience and persistence; and she found joy in her own
self-directed activity.
Magda offered me an opportunity as an adult to relearn what
I hadn’t learned well as a child. As I learned to trust my daughter,
I learned to trust myself.

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 The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

6. The Responsibility
of Parenthood

S OME PARENTS WANT TO believe that having a baby

should not change their lives. But becoming a parent is one of the
greatest changes in an adult’s life, for better or worse. Why deny
it? Why ignore it?
Nobody said it was easy to be a parent. Parenting takes time.
It is like any job you train for. If only we could think of parent-
hood in these terms. Realistically, parents must know the conse-
quences of their choices—having a child or not having a child,
accepting a job or not accepting a job.
Before becoming a parent, consider two major difficulties:
@ The “Ongoingness” of Being a Parent. Even if the
child is not at home, you never stop being a parent.
It is a terrific psychological burden to know and think
and feel that, “This is my child and I am responsible
for his well-being.” It’s a sense of “un-freeness.”
@ The Technicality of Being a Parent. This is the nitty-
gritty—the basics, if you will. You simply must do
certain things, go through definite caregiving motions
while parenting. Whether you want to stay in bed or
not, the child still demands ongoing care.
You must mentally plan for this parenting job as well as physically
plan for it. You must make room for this child/job in your lives.
If you decide that, yes, you choose to have a child, then you must
accept the responsibility that goes with that choice. You must
accept the involvement (time, space, emotion, availability) and

23
The RIE Approach, and How It’s Different

a certain giving up or delaying of egotistical needs. Parents must

realize this—there is no other way.

The Conflict of Needs

The conflict for parents is that they would like to do every-
thing, not give up anything. Every parent makes his own choices.
Parents are torn between contradictory advice.
Some advise, “You, the parent, have the right to live your
own life and the baby has to adjust to it.” This usually means that
parents take the infants wherever they go, driving them from
place to place, expecting them to behave—shopping, visiting, in
movie theaters, on a ski tour or wherever. The infants cannot
behave according to their own needs. When they cry, they are
hushed. They have to adapt to the needs of their parents. Their
biological timetables are disrupted, and they become appendages
to their parents’ lives.
According to other advice, parents should give up everything
just to serve the baby. But this is neither healthful nor realistic.
To be always needed, always available, can drain any parent’s
energies. Seldom are guidelines given for mutual adaptation.
The RIE guidelines can help you to be sensitive to both your
baby’s and your own needs.
Parents must really take a good, introspective look at them-
selves and seriously question: “What kind of person am I?”
“Where am I really going? What is my real goal?” It would be a
good idea to question seriously what a child really needs before
they have that child.
RIE emphasizes the benefits of infants’ spending peaceful,
uninterrupted time following their biological rhythms of falling
asleep when sleepy and eating when hungry, rather than their
having to adjust too soon to external schedules and unrealistic

24
 The Responsibility of Parenthood

expectations. First, we have to let the child develop his own

rhythm; and then later he can adjust more into adult life.
Think of having a baby as a unique time that you can both
enjoy—it never comes back again. And that is the time for you
to invest, to put in time. This is a time of letting go, a time to feel
at ease, not hurried, not pushed, not wanting to achieve. If you
are wanting to do something else while you are with your chil-
dren, this ambivalence, this being torn, can make this time more
difficult. (That does not mean you cannot also make arrange-
ments and go away at times.) You still have the rest of your life
to do all the things that you want to do.

An Investment in the Future

Parents need to know also that there is a certain amount of
investment: “I will do this now and later reap the benefits.”
In our society, very few things are done with the thought,
“How will what I do now affect my child one year, ten years,
twenty-five years from now?”
If parents would think about and plan for parenthood, there
would be more happy children and parents. It is so important for
a young child to start with good experiences in his own family.
For two or two and a half years, maybe the parents could let go
of other activities. Because this kind of timely investment is what
ultimately may help produce secure, independent, self-sufficient
children.
The more you invest in those first early years of parenting,
the easier your life could be later on. You won’t have to be a slave
to a child who has been raised with aware, respectful attention.
It can be the difference between nagging, neglected (withdrawn
or aggressive) children and those who will make it in life inde-
pendently, with strength and self-confidence.

fas)
The First Weeks and Months

26
 The First Weeks and Months

7. At Home with
a Newborn

baa FIRST DAYS, WEEKS and months are a time of turmoil.

Feelings of relief, joy mixed with doubts, anxieties, insecurities,
despair, tiredness, tiredness, tiredness. Exhaustion makes any
parent wonder, “Am I doing the right thing? Why is my baby so
upset? Why can I not soothe her, what am I doing wrong?”
I would love to reassure new parents, particularly mothers,
and tell them this is the way almost all new parents feel. Never
before has your life changed so drastically. The beloved invader
has disrupted your priorities, your schedule, your rhythm; you
can no longer eat when hungry or sleep when exhausted.
One reason having a newborn is so difficult is because it feels
so important. All new parents bring their own experiences, role
models, and expectations of themselves to this new role. Wanting
to “make it perfect” makes parents vulnerable; and if things do
not go ideally, they may get angry with themselves and the baby.
Anger is often followed by guilt and helplessness.
It is a stressful time. Parents cope in different ways. Some
mothers deny the importance of the situation; they pretend that
nothing has changed and that they are ready to throw a party
three days after giving birth. Other mothers cannot accept that
giving birth is the first separation; they need to hold on to their
babies physically. Still other parents have difficulty making space
in their lives for the baby. And yet others believe that, if they do
not rush to a crying baby, the baby will be harmed.

2h
The First Weeks and Months

What I would like to say is this: you are getting acquainted

with a human being who will be among the most important
people for you throughout your whole life. Give it time. The more
open you are, the more interested in the uniqueness of this new
being, the easier the process of mutual adaptation will become.
View this period with a newborn as learning to know each
other and as an opportunity to learn about yourselves as never
before. You might even “program” yourselves by saying over and
over, “You, my baby, are so lucky to have us as parents, and we
are so lucky to have you as our child.”

Taking Care of Yourself

What does it take to start out well? To know, accept and like
yourself. This will help you to know and accept your own vulner-
ability. For example, if you know that you become irritable when
you get hungry, feed yourself.
The most difficult part of having a new baby is not having
enough rest. You can give yourself much more time to rest if you
do not expect yourself to do anything else than take good care of
yourself and the baby.
When you have a newborn, especially your first, do get help.
Your own mother or mother-in-law is seldom the right person.
(She may be, if you feel really comfortable around her and she
is not critical. Do these angels exist?) A good friend or a trusted
hired person may work out the best. In some societies every new
mother is naturally provided such help. Your helper should do all
household chores, pamper you, but care for the baby only when
you are too tired. Let go of duties and give yourself free-floating,
timeless times like a young baby. Rest as much as possible. Have
someone available so that you can have free time for yourself!
Living with an infant means living in a different time zone

28
 At Home with a Newborn

and often in a strange emotional climate. Never before did you

have to cope with so little sleep, constant tiredness, the burden
of always being on duty, and an array of nagging doubts about
your competence as a parent. You cannot rehearse for those first
“months. So much is new—the baby, the situation, the reaction
of the other parent, and, most of all, your own feelings.
Some mothers and fathers feel scared when they notice how
time stands still yet also flies by, how the outside world fades
away and is replaced by baby’s smiles and cries.
Dear new parent, do not be scared. Give in to the rhythm of
a new biological clock; you will not stay in this place of time
distortion forever. You will get back in the demanding, pushy,
hustle-bustle of “normal” life in due time. Think of this as a kind
of vacation on an island with no clocks, no duties other than
responding to your own and your baby’s rhythm and needs.
Mothers and fathers, be open to the new experience. Allow
yourselves to emerge as new parents, and allow your baby to
emerge as a new person. Try not to want to shape him, but rather
accept his personal characteristics, his tempo and style.

Taking Care of Your Baby

The agenda for newborns and parents is to learn about each
other and slowly develop a dialogue. It helps if you actually talk
to your baby. (See, Talking to Your Baby, page 33)
What cues does a newborn baby give? Quite likely he cries,
shows discomfort, or sleeps.
What parents expect of their babies and the way their babies
realistically behave are often quite different. You may have
expected a plump, smiling baby—instead, you look at your new-
born and see a deformed head, blueish, wrinkled face and a
skinny, hairy body. You may have expected to know what your

29
The First Weeks and Months

baby needs—instead, your baby cries and cries, it alarms you and
you do not know what she needs or what to do. (You might not
feel so alien if you have visited newborn wards in hospitals and
seen many newborns, or if you have watched parents with very
young children and learned that all babies cry.)
No matter how simple an environment is, a baby may be
overwhelmed by too much stimulation. Everything is new, and
nothing functions easily yet. You can help your newborn adapt
to all that newness by making the environment less loud, less
bright, to allow your child to learn step by step, so he’s not
bombarded. Create a peaceful place; keep the newborn in a cozy
place such as a bassinet; slowly and gently meet his needs for
food, hygiene and holding. :
It will take time, it must take time—lots of time—to learn to
understand each other. Eventually, infants cry less and parents
feel more and more secure.

A Peaceful Beginning
Regularity and predictability help babies develop their inner
rhythms of sleeping, eating and alertness. It is best if babies can
spend the first six to eight weeks undisturbed in their own envi-
ronment at home and for parents to give themselves time without
extra activities. If at all possible, I would try not to interrupt the
baby’s patterns by taking her with me to do errands.
Allow the infant to develop her biological rhythm first and
then slowly ease the infant into to the life of the family. Eventually
you and your baby will develop a peaceful, predictable rhythm of
life.
The way you begin life with your newborn will set a pattern,
a kind of blueprint for future relationships. And while it may
seem too difficult to stay home for a while and postpone all those

30
 At Home with a Newborn

“self-fulfilling” activities in the world outside, believe me, it will

be time well spent, learning about the daily wonder of a new
human being, your own child.

And a Word for Grandparents

I want to remind grandparents that what everyone wants from
an important relationship is attention, an open receptiveness. It
may be that the best way to help your children offer this attentive
relationship to their new baby is for you to offer just the same re-
lationship to them.
As a grandparent, do not expect performance (to be a good
mother or father) from the new parents. Accept them and this
stage of their struggle. Cook and clean. Don’t criticize.
es

As familiar with infants and parents as I was, I felt typically

uncertain and unsure the first weeks with my own child. I almost
felt, when his father would say, “Here’s your mom,” that he was
referring not to me but to someone else.
After listening to Magda and studying RIE materials for years,
I planned to give my full attention to nursing, diapering, bathing,
etc. This takes commitment on my part, and I have found that it
works well for me, although it surprises some people around me.
My expectations were often different from the reality of my life.
While nursing Scott, I felt Ihad this open, available attitude and
was fully present. I expected and was ready to gaze fully into my
son’s eyes and drink in and share the affectionate bond we were
creating. The reality was that Scott was interested in nursing and
his own world. Only occasionally did he invite me in and then only
briefly. I kept waiting, and truthfully I wondered, “Why couldn't
I read a book or talk on the phone? He would never notice.” Here

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The First Weeks and Months

I was creating this lovely time to be together and he was too busy
to do it my way.
Luckily for me, because I believed in the RIE philosophy, I
disciplined myself to continue my approach of allowing Scott to
develop his own rhythm. Remarkably for me, he chose Mother’s
Day to look up and stare into my eyes long and full. Thanks to
RIE and my commitment to be fully present in these times, I was
able to notice the shift and to appreciate the change and the
moment.

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 The First Weeks and Months

8. Talking to Your Baby

Nibeon? KNOWS when exactly an infant begins to under-

stand language. But infants do begin to pay attention to the world
around them slowly and gradually from birth.
To talk to your baby from the first hour of her life is not only
pleasant and soothing to the baby, it can be a relief for you, the
parent, to say how you feel and what you want. It is also the
beginning of a lifetime of communication.

Expressing Your Feelings and Thoughts

Just tell the baby how you feel and what you think; do not
censor your feelings or thoughts.
“T wish I could make these first days and weeks easier for you
and for me.”
“I know you have to adapt to so many new things.”
“Now I see how much more comfortable it was before you
were born. You were growing and floating, with no effort, no
struggle. Now you feel tired, hungry, your tummy aches. So
much noise, so much light, so many changes.”
“I want to help you, but so often I feel helpless.”
“All these books make it even more difficult.”
“I am so tired, I am scared, my life will never be the same
again.”
“I must be responsible, I don’t want to be responsible.
Mommy... I want my own mommy, I am still a child...”
“Oh, my sweet baby, you are so beautiful, those tiny hands,

33
The First Weeks and Months

fingers, and eensy weensy nails.”

“I feel happier than ever. I want to learn to be your mother.
Help me.”
I chose these quotes from the many I have heard from moth-
ers and fathers in our program. Most first talked to me but after
repeated reminders did begin to talk to their own babies, and they
felt better doing so.

The Prescription for Language Development

Rather than teach language purposefully to your baby, com-
municate, listen and read your baby’s cues. Then simply talk to
him as though he understands.
For a long time it may feel as if it is only one-sided,. but
delightful surprises in your baby’s responsiveness will convince
you he was putting together all your words, gestures and facial
expressions all along.
 The First Weeks and Months

9. On Their Backs,
Free to Move

ASO BABIES ARE MORE comfortable, more free to move,

when placed on their backs rather than on their stomachs.
For many, many years, RIE’s recommendation to place
infants on their backs was the opposite of what most pediatri-
cians, nurses and other experts believed and recommended.
Thankfully, this has changed.
Newborn babies usually do not keep their heads up, and, for
that reason, do not feel comfortable on their stomachs. And
because they cannot hold their heads up, they cannot look
around, and their visual field is limited to the patch of blanket in
front of them.
On his stomach, a very young infant may try a few times to
raise his head, then give up and stay more or less immobile. Or
he may continue bobbing his head, accepting the strain and
discomfort as a normal condition. What else can he do in that
position?
Now let us look at the same baby on his back. With no strain,
he can turn his head fully from one side to the other, looking
around, learning about his immediate environment, and strength-
ening his neck muscles. His rib cage is free, so he can breathe
more easily and deeply. He can easily stretch his arms and legs.

aS
The First Weeks and Months

Observing Your Baby’s Development

Having a very young baby seems to distort time. Every day
feels like it never ends. When you are watching your baby contin-
ually, especially during the first months, it appears that nothing
ever changes and that the baby does not do anything new or
exciting.
Yet, with the aid of time-lapse photography, you could see
how movements are changing from jerky to becoming smoother,
how eyes are more focused, and of course how the baby suddenly
looks like a “real person,” a “social being” with the appearance
of the first smile.
As you develop the art and skill of observing your baby, you
will also see that every experience, day in and day out, is a learn-
ing experience for him.
Your baby senses differences of feelings—hunger or satiation,
pain or comfort, sleepiness, drowsiness or wakefulness. Things
(his hands, for instance) move in and out of his vision, his mouth
finds a hand and sucks on it, a particular voice and face (yours)
become more familiar and bring relief. All these are most mean-
ingful and useful pieces of learning for a baby.
Babies may learn several things through one action. The
sensation of finding his thumb can be called eye-hand-mouth
coordination and can also be considered the forerunner of play.
When your baby looks at an object, reaches for it and eventually
grasps and moves it, he manipulates, he interacts with the world
and makes things happen. Again, this is the beginning of play.
Most parents of very young babies live with constant anxiety
about how well their babies are doing. Doctors seldom have time
to observe how a baby moves naturally, on his own initiative;
instead, they usually look at “milestones” to get a general idea of
where a baby falls on the average curve of development. I wish

36
 On Their Backs, Free to Move

they would remember and emphasize to parents that there is no

one single point at which infants “should” reach these milestones.
How can a new parent gain confidence? My advice is...
watch your baby. Respond to your baby. Enjoy what your baby
is doing right now. As you observe and appreciate your baby’s
movements, his growing abilities, his exploration of his world,
just think of all the pride and joy you can feel every day!

From Back to Stomach

One day, your baby will turn onto his side and later onto his
stomach. He may be quite surprised by finding himself in that
new position. He may struggle and possibly succeed in either
freeing his arm (which usually gets caught under the body), or
he may cry to let you know that he needs your help. In that case
you could pick him up and place him back on his back and see
how he behaves. If he is the adventurous type, he may wiggle and
struggle to get to the new position. If he is more cautious, he may
move slowly, looking around with some apprehension.
But no matter how he responds to the surprise of turning
over the first few times, he will soon be able to turn onto his
stomach at will, hold his head and chest up, and look around
within a wide horizon. And that will be the perfect time for him
to be, and to benefit from being, on his stomach.

LF
When I saw my daughter trying to turn over by herself, I
wanted to rush in. It was as if I saw myself writhing on the floor,
incapacitated, like a beetle trying to flip itself over. I had trouble
separating her struggle from my own. I took a deep breath and
trusted Magda’s ideas. I remained a supportive presence as she
tried and tried. My daughter showed me that I could tolerate her

od
The First Weeks and Months

grappling with the inevitable change which needed to take place.

She wanted to move on her own steam. She tried and tried and
tried again. I tolerated her need to struggle, and I learned to be
less afraid of my own struggles.

38
 The First Weeks and Months

10. Crying and Colic

Mla BABIES CRY a lot during the first weeks, even the
first three months.
There is no magic formula to know what your baby needs.
It takes time, patience and continuous observations to learn first
to differentiate among a baby’s reasons for crying, and then to
respond appropriately.
Nothing really prepares you to experience your own feelings
of empathy, irritability, helplessness or maybe even rage when
you hear your baby cry. However, it may help to remember that
your baby comes into a world where everything is brand new.

Adapting to Changes
Babies have to learn to adapt to a very different life from the
one to which they were accustomed in the womb. They need to
sort out sensations coming from within and a barrage of stimuli
coming from the outer world. They may feel lots of discomfort,
and they express their discomfort by crying.
Their discomfort may be from hunger, pain, feeling too cold
or too warm, sudden changes in position, or too much noise,
light, or activity around the child. (An often-repeated belief is that
babies cry when bored. Actually, they cry when over-stimulated.)
Sometimes a change from wakefulness to sleep, and vice-
versa, are vulnerable transitional times. (See, Sleeping, page 91)
Also, contrary to common belief, babies do not cry because they
are wet. They do cry, however, when they have a diaper rash

39
The First Weeks and Months

which is irritated by a wet diaper or when the wet diaper causes

them to feel cold. A very young baby may cry to discharge energy.
It takes babies time to find out how they can help themselves.
Eventually they learn how to get rid of gas bubbles, how to relax
and fall asleep, how to suck most efficiently, etc.

Responding to a Crying Baby

Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated
issue. To follow the advice, “Do not let your baby cry,” is practi-
cally impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to
stop the baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.
What different parents do seems to be greatly influenced by
their own needs and by their beliefs. The parent who likes to eat
might feed the baby often; another parent who feels too cold or
hot might cover or undress the baby. Other parents might pick
up, jostle, carry around or rock their babies based on what they
read or are told by “experts.”
The way a parent responds to the baby also “conditions” the
baby to expect specific responses (feeding, covering, rocking).
Instead of responding to real need, the parent may respond to a
created need, conditioned by the parent.
For example, an anxious and irritated parent (crying does
irritate!) will most likely do what brings the fastest relief—give
the breast or bottle. The baby almost always accepts it, calms
down and often falls asleep. Of course, this is the right solution
if the baby is hungry. However, if the baby has other needs (for
instance, being tired or having pain), she will learn to expect food
in response to these other needs, and grasp the breast or bottle
even though she is not hungry. Fast, easy solutions work to
relieve immediate tension but can result in forming bad habits.
(See, Thumb vs. Pacifier, page 49, and Feeding, page 83)

40
 Crying and Colic

Calm Dialogue
How can you help? Respond to your baby by letting him
know that you are there and that you care.
First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what
exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather
than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of
holding, feeding or changing your baby, to stop the crying, try
quietly talking to your baby.
Remember, crying is a baby’s language—it is a way to ex-
press pain, anger, and sadness. Acknowledge the emotions your
baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.
For example, you might tell him, “I see you’re uncomfortable.
And hearing you cry really upsets me. I want to find out what you
need. Tell me. I will try to understand your cues and, in time, you
will learn to give them to me.” Or, “I see you are unhappy. I wish
I knew what is making you unhappy.” Then think out loud.
“Could it be that your diaper is wet? I don’t think you are hun-
gry, because you just ate. Maybe I’ve been holding you long
enough and maybe you want to be on your back for a while.”
This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.
It will take your baby some time to function more smoothly,
to relax, to anticipate and respond to your care. Do not just try
to stop the crying. Respect the child’s right to express his feel-
ings, or moods. (See, Authentic Infant, Competent Child,
page 71). Try to find and eliminate discomfort.
Your baby will respond to your focused attention, your calm
voice. Talking softly and gently, slowly bringing your face closer,
gently picking him up, safely cradling him in your arms, then
slowly putting him back in his crib, will eventually reassure and
calm him.

41
The First Weeks and Months

Colic
Fairly often I meet families with very young infants who “have
colic.” From my observations, a frantic child brings about frantic
parents doing incredibly frantic things to “calm” the baby. Taking
them on walks, driving them in cars in the middle of the night,
rocking and moving them side to side or up and down—my
question is, why?
All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn’t cry—no
infant can be raised without crying. Respond to the baby, reflect-
ing that you are there and that eventually you will learn to under-
stand the reasons for the crying.
Do not start crazy tricks. Infants do not need them at any
age, and neither do you. Do not make babies dependent on
distractions that you do not want them to depend on later.
Your baby will learn to be calm from calm parents in a calm
atmosphere.

An Alternative to Other Advice

In our classes, parents sometimes find that the RIE approach
is the exact opposite of what they have been told by many, includ-
ing pediatricians. However, RIE’s calm approach has often been
helpful because the colic seems to diminish when excess stimula-
tion is removed from the baby’s experiences.

4
With Ethan’s colic, I followed every suggestion and piece of
advice I received. I walked the floor with him; I picked him up and
put him down, over and over again. I put him in a bouncer seat,
I put him in front of a window, I took him for car rides, I put him
in his car seat on top of the running dryer. I carried him around

42
 Crying and Colic

in a Sling. Still, Ethan screamed out, and I screamed in silence.

After four months, I knew I had to make some changes.
When I visited my first RIE class, I was so impressed by the
babies there. But these children were nothing like my child, I
rationalized. Ethan could never play calmly and independently on
the floor while I sat nearby. Oh no, Ethan was a “high needs”
baby. He needed me. However, desperation proved an effective
motivator.
I went home and put Ethan on the floor, on his back, and
placed some appropriate items around him. I resisted, with great
difficulty, the urge to shake a toy in his face or demonstrate how
to manipulate it. Over the next few days an amazing thing began
to happen. Ethan began to stretch his contracted and rigid limbs.
He began to roll over and gain control of his wobbly neck. The
most exciting development, however, was his growing self-aware-
ness and self-confidence. His newfound freedom resulted in my
own.
Four months of RIE classes have had a profound impact on
us both. “Profound?” some people ask. Well, until you’ve survived
the type of colic that causes your child to hold his breath, turn
purple and break into a sweat before letting out a wake-the-dead
scream every hour of every day, you don’t have a clue how horrible
it is. The last thing Ethan needed was more stimulation. RIE
provided us with a gentle, calm, relaxed alternative to the chaotic
and frenetic “solutions” offered by well-meaning friends and
relatives.

43
The First Weeks and Months

44
 The First Weeks and Months

11. Holding

wyatNE BABIES NEED both to be held and to be able to

move freely in their cribs.
Often parents believe that holding is good, being left alone
in a crib is not. I believe babies need both.
There are sound physiological reasons why a newborn should
not be held all the time. To begin with, he must adapt to his new
capabilities outside the womb, by kicking, stretching, curling and
uncurling his body. In a crib, he can do this at will—and with
ease. | see lots of infants hanging on their mothers or fathers in
carriers. The babies are cramped and confined; any movement
by the parent compresses them further into the carrier. Whenever
the parent moves about or gesticulates, it is like a “mini-earth-
quake” for the baby!
Parents who carry their babies most of the time are not giving
their infants the opportunity to move according to their readi-
ness.
There are also psychological reasons why around-the-clock
holding is not developmentally sound. Parents often say to me,
“I want to hold my baby all the time to show him how much |
love him.” Most animals can show affection only through touch,
but we humans have an extensive, varied and refined repertoire
of ways to demonstrate love. To me, a mature, evolved person
shows love by respecting the otherness of the beloved. You be-
come a good parent not only by listening to your instinctive
messages but by paying close attention to your baby, by observing

45
The First Weeks and Months

the infant. Sensitive observation flows from respect. (See, Learn-

ing to Observe ..., page 63). How often I see parents holding
their babies, or carrying them in contraptions close to the body,
without paying the slightest attention to them. Isn’t this some-
what like putting a pacifier in the mouth? It soothes or distracts
the baby, who becomes “hooked” on an artificial solution to real
problems.
Oh, yes, babies have problems. Hunger, discomfort and the
need for sleep are all pressing urges. One of the first tasks a baby
confronts is to learn to express these needs. Engaging her parent
is nothing less than a triumph of communication.
Mutual understanding is a long, ongoing process. A baby’s
life is more than “I’m hungry—I cry—you feed me.” What about
“I’m tired—I cry”? A parent’s task is to learn to read the baby’s
cues in order to meet these needs appropriately. Basic needs
should be met. A parent who reads the infant’s cues accurately
and meets his needs is reinforcing the child’s ability to give clear
cues. But a parent who misinterprets may overfeed a tired baby
who really needs to be allowed to sleep. Similarly, constant hold-
ing does nothing to help a baby recognize the difference between
being alone and being with someone—I mean really with some-
one, eye-to-eye, genuinely engaged.
4
Before attending RIE classes, I had carried my daughter
everywhere. Starting from three months, I soon learned that I
could let go and still stay profoundly connected. My daughter
taught herself to roll over and sit up and walk, teaching me in the
process that I could let her. She taught me that there are all kinds
of things she can do without me.

46
 Holding

With Tia’s crying, the only thing that seemed to help—but not
always, and most of the time not completely—was holding her.
I’wondered what had happened to the peaceful baby I had ex-
pected to lie independently and happily on the floor. My limited
understanding of RIE led me to feel I was failing the philosophy
because I needed to hold her so much.
In my frantic phone call to Magda, I asked what to do with
a baby that only wants to be held. Magda’s answer stunned me:
“Hold her,” she said.
I almost dropped the phone. Was this the same woman who
advocated respect for the infant’s autonomy and independence?
She continued, “Do you think RIE is that inflexible?”
Not only did I think there was one RIE way of parenting, I also
thought there was only one kind of baby I could have: a cooing,
smiling angel. The reality of my screaming infant had shattered
that image, and I was left confused and disoriented. It dawned on
me slowly that holding her a lot didn’t mean we were rejecting the
RIE ideals, it meant we were respecting a newborn’s need and
responding to our own needs as well. In those first few months we
felt better about Tia’s crying when we held her.
Now I can better understand Magda’s answer: there is nothing
non-RIE about holding a crying baby, but the parent needs to be
aware of what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Holding a
baby nonstop for two hours may be disrespectful to yourself, not
to mention your arms; and bouncing an unhappy baby is not
necessarily being sensitive to the infant’s real needs. By engaging
in this behavior, we may in fact be creating a need that didn’t exist
before.
It would have been easier, perhaps, if we had known more

47
The First Weeks and Months

about the developmental stages of infancy. We weren’t able to see

the first trying period as a passing phase; for us it seemed Tia
would never enjoy being put down on the floor. Gradually, though,
the good days got more frequent and the bad days faded from
memory. By the time Tia was three months old, she began to fulfill
my image of the baby I thought I'd have—although the reality of
my daughter was much richer and more varied than anything I
had imagined.

48
 The First Weeks and Months

12. Thumb vs. Pacifier

S OME INFANTS ARE BORN with their thumbs in their

mouths or even have been known to suck in the womb. We know
from literature as well as from observing infants that they have
a strong need for sucking. It is often referred to as the sucking
instinct or reflex.
Sucking also stops crying. As a result, many crying children
are given the breast or the bottle, not because they need food, but
to end their crying. Thrusting the breast, the bottle, a pacifier or
a teether into a crying infant’s mouth is one of the most often-
used calming devices. It is fast, handy, and it works.
Sucking is an instinctual need, and adults have an instinctual
rather than objective reaction to it. When a mother says, “It
makes me sick to see my five-year-old put his thumb in his
mouth,” or “How disgusting this two-year-old looks sucking on
his blanket,” it is obvious that deeper emotional layers in the
parent are touched.
Throughout history, thumb-sucking has aroused many strong
feelings. It has been called a bad habit and has been blamed for
producing protruding teeth and a disobedient, withdrawn or
insatiable child. Society has been “up in arms” about oral
gratification. Parents have been advised to restrain the baby
physically by tying her arms, pulling sleeves over her hands, using
mittens or elbow splints, or putting something bitter-tasting on
the thumbs. Gentler interferences have included pulling out the

49
The First Weeks and Months

thumb, giving a substitute, and distracting, bribing, or showing

dislike.
Any of these reactions gives an infant the message—at a very
early, impressionable age—that something that feels so good,
comforting, natural, and easy is bad. This may lead a child to
believe that after feeling good you will encounter something bad
as a consequence; or that you have to pay the price for feeling
good; or that you do not deserve to feel good. It is like planting
seeds of doubt and insecurity about one’s own goodness or the
goodness of the outside world.

Thumb vs. Pacifier

The thumb belongs to the infant. She has to discover it and
learn how to use it as part of her own body. It is always available.
It doesn’t fall on the floor and get dirty or get lost when needed.
The infant can put it in her mouth and pull it out according to
her own needs and desires. In the process, she learns how to
soothe herself and how to become self-reliant. When there are no
misgivings about it, she will use it when and for as long as she
really needs it. Yet some parents frown on thumb-sucking.
I do not know when the pacifier was invented, but it is a very
old device. Perhaps in an earlier era, keeping a baby quiet helped
secure survival. In times when the common belief was that infants
should be kept completely passive and helpless, infants were
swaddled, rocked and prevented from having any activity—and,
indeed, they became passive and quiet.
In our days, pacifiers are given mainly for the following
reasons: to stop crying, to meet the need for sucking, to put an
infant to sleep, to soothe colic, and to prevent thumb-sucking.
The pacifier is a plug. It does stop a child from crying, but the
question is, does an infant have a right to cry? Should an infant

50
 Thumb vs. Pacifier

be allowed to express her feelings and communicate them?

Plugging her mouth gives the message, “Don’t do what comes
naturally. Do what pleases me, your parent. I am in control of
how you should feel and how you should show your feelings.”
* When anything is put into a young infant’s mouth, she starts
sucking. However, is her real need for sucking met, or is the
pacifier given when the parent interprets the infant’s need for it?
When the pacifier is used to put an infant to sleep, it is often
when the adult decides that the infant should sleep. In addition,
there is no proof that sucking the pacifier helps relieve colic better
than sucking the thumb.
Many parents prefer the pacifier to thumb-sucking. Why this
fierce debate? What are the real or imagined dangers of thumb-
sucking? Parents complain about being awakened many times
at night because the pacifier fell out of the baby’s mouth. Yet they
prefer this situation to one where the infant is in control. Some
worry that the child will be sucking his or her thumb in kinder-
garten, or longer. Others claim they can always throw out the
pacifier when the child becomes too old for it. Again, the parent
is in control.
The issue is not a simple preference of pacifier vs. thumb.
The real issue is, who is in control?

nf
Julia went through an amazing process of learning to suck her
thumb. During the first three weeks of life there were moments
when we thought Julia would love to have something to suck on.
One could see the furious sucking movements she was making. At
around two and a half weeks of age, Julia ended up with her
thumb in her mouth by accident. She delighted in being able to
suck her thumb. The next few days she tried, without success, to

51
The First Weeks and Months

put her thumb in her mouth. Sometimes her efforts would lead to
frustration and fussiness. We wondered whether we should inter-
vene but decided to let her struggle. When she succeeded in putting
her thumb in her mouth, the satisfaction she showed was reward-
ing for us to see. Sometimes Julia would simply put her thumb in
her mouth for the sake of putting it in her mouth. Other times she
would suck on it to soothe herself.
Her next struggle came when she wanted to learn how to put
her other thumb in her mouth. Figuring out how to control her
right thumb took several more days and a considerable amount of
struggle. When frustrated, at least she could give herself solace by
turning to her left and sucking on her left thumb. Once she gained
control of her right thumb, she was happy. She would suck on her
right thumb for a while, and then on her left one and so on. We
believe none of this discovery could have happened when it did if
Julia had been given a pacifier.
An unanticipated benefit to the thumb-sucking discovery was
that it helped Julia take care of herself during the night. We dis-
covered that she did not necessarily sleep through the night. In-
stead of being awakened in the middle of the night by crying, we
were awakened by loud thumb-sucking! When she was not hungry,
Julia had become able to soothe herself in the night through
thumb-sucking. We quickly learned to sleep through the thumb-
sucking. If Julia needed us, she would cry.

D2
 Educaring in Daily Life

13. At Their Own Time,

and In Their Own Way

c FANTS ALWAYS DO what they can do—and they should

not be expected to do what they are not ready for. At RIE we
allow infants to do what they are ready and willing to do.
Every infant develops according to his or her built-in, prede-
termined time schedule. There is a wide gap between the time
some infants sit or stand up, make their first steps, or utter their
first words. There are no later consequences whether an infant
starts to walk or talk very early or very late. Why, then, don’t we
wait patiently until it happens naturally? In other words, at the
perfect time.

Natural Gross Motor Development

Every baby moves with more ease and efficiency if allowed
to do it at his own time and in his own way, without our trying
to teach him. A child who has always been allowed to move freely
develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about
what he can and cannot do. Developing good body image, spatial
relations, and a sense of balance helps the child learn not only
how to move but also how to fall and how to recover. Children
raised this way hardly ever have any serious accidents.

Learning by Moving
In many cultures people have been led to think that, unless
infants are taught, they do not learn. Under the guise of teaching

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and caring have come tight swaddling, being tied to boards, being
carried in slings and pouches, placed in infant seats, jumpers or
walkers, being immobilized as well as exercised. (See, On Teach-
ing and Learning, page 11) The fact that all “normal” children
learn to walk clearly shows their amazing resilience.
There is evidence that gross motor development happens
naturally when an infant has plenty of space to move in a safe,
age-appropriate and challenging environment. However, some
people find this hard to believe.
But if you watch babies who are allowed to move freely and
without interference, you will see that they learn to move
gracefully and securely and that, through endless repetition and
practice, they become well balanced. When not interrupted,
babies are totally absorbed in what they are doing. These kinds
of sensory experiences are learning and are also a great pleasure
for a parent to watch! A father who asked me whether he should
exercise his baby or take him to a gym class was intrigued when
I suggested that he imitate all his baby’s movements for about one
hour and decide then if his baby needed an additional workout.
Learning to see how infants move also means seeing how
adults knowingly and unknowingly influence their movement.
This is a key to understanding the basic RIE point of view.

The Concept of Readiness

In contrast to our approach, too often I have seen children
taught, encouraged and expected to do what they are basically
not ready to do. Too many infants are propped up when they
cannot maintain a well-balanced sitting position, or are given a
toy which they have neither freely chosen nor can freely manipu-
late. Similarly, putting infants into devices such as infant seats,
walkers, swings, or bouncers restricts them from moving freely.

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 At Their Own Time, and In Their Own Way

Such devices introduce positions or movements for which the

infant is not yet ready. (See, Equipment: What is Really
Necessary?, page 159)
If infants are ready to do something, they will do it. In fact,
when they are ready, they have to do it.
When I visit centers or families, I often feel sad or frustrated
because the children, to my mind, are doing beautiful things; the
adults say, however, “But why don’t they do something?” —and
“something” is always something the children cannot do. When
we give a child the message, “If only you would...” or “If only
you wouldn’t...,” that child does not feel okay.
Try to feel you are that infant: you feel you have to perform,
you have to do, you have to create something. If you are lying
peacefully on your back, then you should be sitting up. Even if
you cannot sit up, you should. You feel that the important people
in your life expect something of you that you cannot deliver.
However, a child who cannot sit, cannot sit. Yes, you can
prop pillows around an infant, but that only gives the illusion that
he can sit. Sitting means that the infant has developed through
all the stages from lying to sitting. Learning to sit is different
from sitting. It does not happen the way many people think it
does—by first putting a baby into a sitting position so he will
learn.

Development Milestones
Research at Loczy' showed wide variation in development

Loczy (now the Pikler Institute) is an internationally recognized center

of observationally based research on infants. Much of the RIE philoso-
phy is based on work done at Loczy. (See, Reflections on My Work with
Dr. Pikler, page 185)

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among normal Hungarian babies who had been allowed to reach

milestones of motor development naturally. For example, it was
quite normal for a baby to begin to turn from his back over to his
stomach anywhere from 19 weeks to 39 weeks of age. A baby
who could roll onto his stomach by himself began to play in this
position (requiring holding the head up comfortably and being
able to turn from back to stomach to back again) anywhere from
22 weeks to 41 weeks after birth. The average age range at which
babies began to get themselves into a sitting position was
38 weeks to 16 months, and they began to play comfortably in
a sitting position somewhere between 40 weeks and 16 months.
So you see, the normal range was dramatically wide.
How can we tell whether our expectations are developmen-
tally appropriate? By observing, accepting and enjoying what the
infant is self-initiating and practicing all by himself.
While there are norms of average development, we should not
be too concerned about them unless an infant is showing many
signs of being “different” from other children of a similar age.
Parents and professionals who wait for the next and the next
“achievement” sadly miss the miraculous little changes which are
occurring all the time.

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14. Predictability:
Helping Your
Child Feel Secure

Waar A VERY YOUNG infant needs is to be secure.

Security is almost a “body feeling” that an infant can sense.
The way we pick up and carry an infant can support or decrease
this feeling. (Have you seen babies being carried and their heads
were wobbling? That does not give a feeling of security.)
Everything you do or do not do influences how an infant
feels. We believe that if you do everything very, very slowly, and
if you include the child, then the child feels he is a very important
person. From birth on, we should try to include them.
When babies are bombarded with new stimuli, new places,
new experiences, it is very difficult for them to adapt and to learn
to trust.
In a predictable environment, and with regular, dependable
schedules, they feel comfortable, cry less, and life is easier for
both infant and parents. Infants who do not need to adjust to too
much unnecessary stimulation will eventually regulate their
sleeping and eating patterns. This regularity will, in turn, give
parents some predictable time for their own needs and interests.

Dealing with Changes

Everything in life changes. Night to day, spring to summer,
caterpillar to butterfly, infant to child to adult. Of all the stages

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of human life, infancy is the time of the most rapid growth. This
growth in all areas—physical, mental and emotional—means
constant change. These are natural changes. There are also
circumstantially imposed changes: wars, death, earthquakes,
things over which we have little, if any, control. In everyday life
we also have humanly imposed changes—some necessary, some
unnecessary.
Infants’ reactions to life and to the environment are, to a
great extent, determined by the child’s stage of development and
change very quickly. Using time-lapse photography, we might see
a five-month-old baby lying on the floor looking up at the table;
at eleven months, she might be pulling herself up to the table; and
at eighteen months, she might even have climbed to the top of the
table. Same room, same table—only the baby would have
changed.
Because babies grow and change so rapidly, we need to
provide them with as much security as we can, to give them a
firm base from which to cope with the changes that come both
from the environment and from within themselves.
Infancy is the time to build this solid foundation. The more
secure your child is, the more easily she can adapt to novelty. And
your child will become secure if her life in general is peaceful and
predictable.

A Predictable Daily Routine

“Predictable” means that, from the very beginning of her life,
you tell your baby ahead of time when a change will happen—
even a tiny change, such as “I will turn the light on,” or “I will
pick you up,” or “I'll go to the bathroom now.” Although her
immediate reaction may be to ignore or protest the change, soon
she will become confident in the face of changes.

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 Predictability: Helping Your Child Feel Secure

It may seem contrary to prepare a child for our hectic world

by providing a comfortable, predictable, constant daily routine.
In fact, some parents wonder whether exposing a child to many
changes early in life might not prepare her better for our fast-
changing society. My answer is no. Being exposed to circum-
stances we cannot anticipate nor understand, and in which we
cannot actively participate, makes us feel helpless, like riding on
a perpetual merry-go-round. Anticipating a change, on the other
hand, gives us a feeling of being prepared, of being in control.
Also, the more secure we feel, the more flexible we become—like
a good skier whose flexibly bent knees act as a shock absorber,
protecting him from bumps.
Should we try to protect children from all change? No—this
is impossible. We must each find a balance in our own lives.
Dealing with the unexpected can be made easier by keeping a
consistent, overall pattern. People move, get divorced, get mar-
ried, have a new baby, or get a new job requiring a different time
schedule. It is easier to cope with major changes if the small
routines of life (such as bathing, dressing and going to bed)
remain intact. You may occasionally bathe in a different tub, sleep
in a different bed, but you still bathe, then sleep. From these
simple routines self-confidence, security and consistency in the
midst of change can be derived.

Traveling, Family Visits and Other Special Events

Parents often ask how to prepare infants for a vacation or
family visit, a long drive, or any special event.
Plan to take with you many familiar objects—sheets, bed
clothes, “blankies,” toys, even a port-a-crib if possible, to recreate
the child’s own environment. Keep as many things similar as
possible—daily schedules, foods, your own style of interaction

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with your child, etc. Through these simple routines, a child

develops a sense of constancy, security, and self-confidence even
in the midst of change.
What many parents find truly difficult is to “protect” the child
from the “assault” of well-meaning family members and friends.
My advice is to start out saying that you have learned that your
child functions better when given time to adapt to new situations
and people. Do not criticize what others do, just gently yet firmly
stick to your own principles—for example, not letting your child
be handed around like a ball.
Family and friends may tell you or think that you are crazy
or exaggeratedly overprotective. Take the blame; quietly accept
responsibility for your stance. Soon they will accept your “stub-
bornness” and may learn to enjoy you and your baby on your
terms.
But no matter how well you handle the situation, you still may
have difficulties after returning from a visit or a vacation. Try to
re-establish the same routines you had before leaving home. You
can say, “I know that at Grandma’s house you stayed up later,
but now we are back home again.” If you are patient, under-
standing and consistent, things will go back to normal again fairly
soon.

Interruptions
It distresses me to see the many unnecessary changes to
which infants are subjected. Most adults do not even seem to be
aware that they interrupt an infant, and they have difficulty
understanding me when I try to explain it.
I like to make this analogy. If someone were to walk in on a
scientist on the verge of discovering the secrets of the universe,
would it occur to that person to interrupt with an inconsequential

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comment about the weather, or the new shoes she just bought?
No, the scientist is doing very important research; and if inter-
ruption were necessary, an appropriate opening would be found.
But a baby? That same person might think nothing of picking
up a baby—to see if a diaper should be changed, for example, or
perhaps for no reason other than to pick up the baby. This baby
may have been involved in very important research into how her
hand disappears from view when she moves her arm this way and
miraculously reappears when her arm goes the other way. With
babies, as well as adults, one should consider whether an inter-
ruption is necessary; and if so, one should wait until an appropri-
ate opening can be found. In this way, we demonstrate our re-
spect for the importance of what infants are doing and learning
at all times. (See, ... and WAIT!, page 67)

A Secure Environment
In summary, if our goal is for infants to be able to participate
with us in their lives and care, they must be able to anticipate
changes. A stable, predictable, secure environment is the best
foundation an infant can have for developing the confidence and
self-esteem necessary to handle changes in life.
by
From the very start, each time I placed Nathan in his car seat,
I warned him before I closed the car door. “Here comes the door!”
I’d say, and then WHUMB. the door would shut. After repeating
this little ritual no more than ten times, I noticed that Nathan,
only a few weeks old, would close his eyes before the door
slammed. He was able to prepare himself, at his own level, for the
loud noise and jarring motion.

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LF
As a result of Magda’s teachings, I developed the habit of
telling my daughter when I was going somewhere, ifonly into the
next room, and also indicating how long I would be gone. I experi-
enced a reflection of this interaction recently when we were playing
on the beach. My daughter, at twenty months, decided to venture
about fifteen feet to the swing set from the jungle gym where I was
sitting. Looking back at me, she said, “Back,” and held up her
index finger to indicate one minute.

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ie Learning to
Observe ...

santas COMMUNICATE from birth. If your attitude is, “I

cannot know automatically what you need; please tell me,” then
the baby will learn to give you cues, and a dialogue will develop.
If, on the other hand, parents superimpose their interpretations
of the baby’s problem, the infant may unlearn to expect appropri-
ate responses to her needs and learn to accept what the parents
offer.
This is the difference between being understood and misun-
derstood. Being understood creates security, trust and confi-
dence. Being misunderstood creates doubt both in oneself and
in one’s own perceptions.
So how can we try to understand rather than misunderstand?
What should we do? The answer is, observe more, do less.

Observe More, Do Less

Is this an easy process? No way! In our society, we’re trained
to do, do, do. And if you don’t, you pretend to do, do, do. You
must act as if you are very busy, because being busy is virtuous.
Not doing anything is considered laziness, and that’s not highly
appreciated. Nobody talks about being observant.
The more we do, the busier we are, the less we really pay
attention.
To spend some time sitting peacefully in the room while your
infant is doing her own thing, without wanting to play with her,

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teach her, or care for her—just being available to her—will make

you much more sensitive to your child’s needs, her tempo and
her style.
This may sound easy, but in reality it is very difficult. You
must develop the skills, the patience, the appropriate attitude.
Very few have learned the art of observing; most people do
not appreciate the concentrated work involved. It means seeing
not only what the baby does but also figuring out what she is
learning in the process and whether or how adults should help.

Seeing “New”
Why is observation so difficult? Because we have the ten-
dency to see what we “know,” what we believe in, rather than
what is happening in front of our eyes. Theoretically you would
need to empty yourself of what you hope for your child and what
you are anxious about—in other words, what you would like to
see and what you are afraid to see. For a certain time you need
to “detach” yourself and look as if you would see, for the first
time, this little stranger whose needs you more often guess than
know.
We must learn to see as a baby sees—new.
Let go of all the other issues that wander through your mind
and really pay attention. Focus fully on everything your child
does, trying to understand her “point of view.” Try to observe
what interests her, how she handles frustration, solves little
problems (See, Quality Time, page 75). Infants do not yet speak
our language but they give us many, many signs.
And what are the benefits?
If you learn how to observe and understand the personality
of your child, the quality of your interactions will also improve.
Once you learn how to observe, how to pay full attention,

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your relationship with other people, grown-ups included, will also

change. You give them a gift by telling them with your attentive
behavior, “You are worthy of my interest and full attention.”
Every human being likes to be listened to, to get genuine
attention, to feel understood, accepted, approved of and
appreciated.
»

I think one of the hardest things we do each day when we

come to work with the babies [at a RIE-accredited infant/toddler
center] is to let go of all the baggage we carry around with us. I
have heard Magda say many times that we need to pretend that
there is a big bowl sitting at the doorway, ready to be filled with
preconceived ideas, bad moods, impatient feelings, stress, and even
excess happiness. Let it go and enter the room peacefully, she says,
ready to participate fully with each child. Why? Because anytime
we are dealing with a baby who cannot talk about her needs,
frustrations, and desires, and who relies on signals, eye contact,
sounds, and gestures, we run the risk of projecting our own feel-
ings, fears, disappointments, and emotions onto the baby—which
would be a major miscommunication and loss of the baby’s trust
in getting her needs met. For instance, a caregiver with issues
centering around food needs to be careful not to respond to a
baby’s hunger by overfeeding or underfeeding or forcing food. Or
a caregiver who hasn’t slept well may react to a baby’s fussiness
by assuming she needs a nap. Sometimes a caregiver will be laugh-
ing and overly exuberant with a baby, not seeing the uncomfortable
look on the baby’s face. Caregivers who have trouble with conflicts
or communication may have a hard time allowing two babies to
work out their differences their own way, always stepping in to stop
them.

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There are many variations of this human phenomenon, and

the only way one can guard against it is by making a conscientious
effort each day to identify what the baggage is and then to leave
it at the door. The more we enter into the day with an open mind
and observe the babies, listen to them, get to know their ways of
communication and allow them their individuality, the more we
learn about the babies and about ourselves.

Wt Wt
TWh Wh
wh taaa
td
ee

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 Educaring in Daily Life

16. ... and WAIT!

@ie MANY YEARS AGO, I saw an infant lying on the

floor who was trying to catch something in a very dreamy,
beautiful way. I didn’t see anything, but I knew that the child saw
something. Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in
the air was creating a rainbow, and that’s what the child saw.
That experience stayed with me as a symbolic reminder, so
that now when people do things, I want to say, “That child may
just see the rainbow—don’t interrupt. Wait.”

Time for Uninterrupted Play

The less we interrupt, the more easily infants develop a long
attention span. According to many books, a baby has a short
attention span; but that is not quite true. If infants are well cared
for, if they can do what they happen to be interested in at that
time, and if nobody interrupts, they have much longer attention
spans than we give them credit for.
Contrary to grown-ups’ expectations, infants usually do not
get overly frustrated by struggles during play. When a toy gets
caught or a ball rolls away, they may even enjoy the situation and
certainly learn from it—if adults do not solve the problem for
them.
To a degree, the child’s response to potential frustrations is
influenced by the adult’s reaction. Even a very young child will
look around to check out the adult’s reaction when one of these
puzzling, unexpected events occurs. A calm, observant comment,

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Educaring in Daily Life

such as “Oh, the ball rolled away,” will allow your baby to retain
his role as initiator in his play and to choose how to handle the
situation.
Sometimes parents who haven’t been paying much attention
will suddenly realize it and say something like, “Oh, you built
such a nice tower!” And you know what happens? The child
stops building the tower. Such an abrupt comment, rather than
making a connection, interrupts play. If real sensitivity exists,
then when the child looks up and seeks the parent’s eyes, then
the parent’s eyes are quietly there. That can be the time to make
a comment.

Selective Intervention
Wait! In so many situations, to wait means to allow problems
to resolve themselves.
Selective intervention means knowing when not to intervene,
and this is more difficult than intervening indiscriminately.
If an infant gets into a difficult situation (climbing up, for
example), it is important to allow her to do whatever she can do,
which means we must wait and wait and wait.
But we do come near so the infant knows we are available,
which brings about a certain amount of security. Rather than give
the message, “When you are in trouble, you scream and I rescue
you,” we would like to convey the feeling, “I think you can handle
it, but if not, | am here.”
Often you will find out that, even though you thought you had
to help, the child didn’t really need your help.
I prefer to wait until the infant really lets me know, “I cannot
handle it any more.” (And if this happens, it’s very important to
know why—is she tired?)
You might just ask, even a child who does not yet speak, “Do

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 ... and WAIT!

you need some help?” or, as a last resort, perhaps, “Do you want
me to help you down?”
In providing infants with the minimal help they need to over-
come an impasse, we demonstrate our trust in their competence
and allow them to enjoy mastery of their own actions.
4
Nathan’s first climbing experiments were with a set of low
wooden boxes in his room. These crates are turned on their sides
and serve as floor-level storage for his toys. At about eight months,
Nathan began attempting to scale these crates. He would pull
himself to standing, lean his body over the waist-high crate and
try to squirm up. One afternoon, after about a week of trying, he
figured out the mechanics necessary to achieve a kneeling position
on top of the crate. Although I was a little nervous seeing him up
there, he was so pleased with himself that I swallowed my anxiety
and moved close to him without interfering.
After a few moments, Nathan decided it was time to get
down—but how? He looked at the floor, and at me, and began
to whine. I stayed close and responded to his complaints with
quiet, encouraging remarks and made no offer of physical help.
For three long minutes Nathan tried various methods of descent,
rejecting each in turn, frequently looking at me and whimpering.
When I did not “rescue” him, he would return to his work. Finally
he got his legs over the edge, feet on the ground, and was off into
the other room. He had solved the problem.
Thirty minutes later, he crawled back into the room and to the
crate, climbed up to the top, paused an instant, then climbed down
and crawled away, without looking at me once. It was as if he
wanted to be sure he had mastered that skill.

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17. Authentic Infant,

Competent Child

An AUTHENTIC PERSON IS one who doesn’t have to play

a role ali the ttme—someone who is true to himself or herself. If
you want an infant to be authentic, you have to be interested in
who that little person really is. That means that the less you
assume about that baby, the more you will learn.
Adults often have a preconceived mold they try to squeeze an
infant into—something they want the child to be. When that
happens, the child may grow up not having a sense of who she
really is or what she really wants because she lacks a core of
authenticity.

Confusing Messages
Many years ago I wrote about the unforgettable, unpleasant
experience we had when Dr. Emmi Pikler and I visited a swim
class for young infants. I reported on the sensible speech the
instructor made before the class, reassuring the parents that the
goal was not to teach swimming but simply to help the children
learn to enjoy the water. Right after this speech, however, she
changed into a commanding sergeant and yelled, “Hold your
children, immerse them ’til the neck! ’Til the nose! Over their
heads! Have fun!” And indeed, the parents followed all instruc-
tions, including “Have fun,” bursting into broad smiles, repeat-
ing, “Isn’t this fun?” “We have fun,” while looking into their
babies’ surprised and frightened faces. Only one mother, of an

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apparently exhausted baby, said, “I think that is enough for you,”

and picked the baby up and rested her on the side of the pool.
How could these loving, caring parents not see or read their
children’s feelings? It looks like, “I see what I want to see,” or
“I enjoy it, you should enjoy it, too,” or “You have no reason to
be upset while I try so hard to do what I know is good for you.”
What did these babies really learn or experience? From the
child’s point of view, how confusing it must be to feel miserable
and see the most trusted person not noticing your anxiety but
smiling at you. No wonder so many adults seek therapy, trying
to sort out how they really feel.
I see similar insensitivities again and again. I have heard
mothers say, “I love you so,” at times when it was more likely.that
their true feelings were, “I cannot stand your crying anymore.”
Are these parents aware that they are brainwashing themselves
and their children?

Infants as Objects?
This “double think” seems to begin very early, as parents
approach their infants more as objects than as humans.
Some parents throw infants up in the air “because the baby
loves it.” Indeed, after many throws, infants have a similar
anxiety-ridden smile (and tension-filled body) as children and
adults have on roller coasters. Parents see what they want to see
rather than the reality.
“You're okay,” is repeatedly told to a child who hurts himself
and does not feel okay. | would much rather give the child per-
mission to feel the way she feels and then wait it out. Again the
magic “waiting” works, because emotions have their beginning
and their end—even tantrums have a beginning and an end.
Tickling is physically exciting and is often used by adults in

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 Authentic Infant, Competent Child

order to change a sad or tired child into a giggly one. Sadness,

discomfort, frustration—they are all valid human emotions. Why
would we want to suppress them?
Whenever I hear or read statements which encourage grown-
ups to initiate certain activities which “stimulate” the infants to
respond (kissing the tummy, walking fingers, and “I’m gonna-
get-you” are other examples), I feel uneasy. I consider tickling
a young baby disrespectful. I prefer to be responsive to an infant’s
initiations rather than stimulating and exciting the infant.
I may be overly sensitive, but it even bothers me when I see
an adult smiling at a crying, upset or sad child. Why do we want
to manipulate young children’s moods and feelings?
Maybe all this objectification is meant to prepare children to
play the pretense games our society plays. Advertisements and
commercials are based on people’s gullibility to suggestions. The
success of our whole economy depends on people’s suggesti-
bility—making intelligent people believe in the unbelievable but
desired result a product promises (pounds and wrinkles disap-
pear, etc.), confusing wishful thinking with reality.
I sometimes wonder whether we could function in a society
where we could be more honest with each other. Must we hide
our real feelings?

Genuine and Honest Communication

We should not stop babies from crying by automatically
putting something in their mouths. Just as when an adult says,
“You’re okay,” to a crying child, the adult who automatically puts
something in the baby’s mouth is not acknowledging what the
child is communicating. Babies have a right to cry and feel what
they feel with the knowledge that a kindly adult is there to help
if possible.

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Educaring in Daily Life

Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative.

And allow your child to learn about you.
Be genuine and honest in your interactions. You do not need
to put on a sweet smile when you are awakened in the middle of
the night. You are sleepy, so act sleepy.

Sensitive Observation
At RIE we encourage parents to learn to quiet down, to sit
peacefully, to observe and to allow babies to be real.
There is one thing all of us value and desire. It is real atten-
tion, not fake; authenticity, not pretense. Maybe if we could train
ourselves to pay attention, full undivided attention for just a short
time every day (one, two or more times), we could learn about
the other person. We would have to pay attention to facial
expression, tone of voice, body language, posture, tension or
relaxation, etc. And as we get sensitized and skilled in the art of
observing, we may try the greatest challenge: to look inside—to
see, observe and learn about ourselves.
Learning to observe your baby is a long and slow process. If
your goal is to allow your baby to become a genuine, authentic
being, it is the most worthwhile investment.

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18. Quality Time

rity TIME! WE ALL talk about it. We all want it, both
for our children and for ourselves. But do we really know what
quality time is all about?
It is full, unhurried attention. Under the right circumstances
it is a peaceful, rewarding time for both parties because, ideally,
it is a time of no ambivalence—one for open listening, trying to
understand fully the other’s point of view. This unique time can
happen under many circumstances, which I divide into two
themes.
“Wants Nothing” Quality Time — That’s when the parent
doesn’t want to do anything with the infant, has no plans other
than wanting simply to be with the child: just floor-sitting, being
available, being there with all the senses awakened to the child;
watching, listening, thinking only of that child. It sounds easy,
but few can truly do it.
Most of us are used to, and conditioned to, doing something.
“Wants nothing” time is different, more a time for taking in and
waiting. We fully accept the infant’s beingness just by our own
receptive beingness. Our presence is telling the child that we are
really there and aware. If you really feel that you should do some-
thing during this time, or if your mind is on what to cook, whom
to call, etc., then it is not the right time.
This is a free-flowing space in which the child should not feel
he has to perform, because the parent is not sending out the kind
of demanding messages that say, “I am here now, what shall we

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do?” If the infant seems to ignore you and is doing something

completely on his own, don’t leave. It is very comforting for him
to know you are there, really there, without any pressure to have
to do something to keep your attention.
This separate play in the parent’s presence teaches the child
to depend on his own inner security. If you do this with a new-
born, if you learn to see the child fully, you discover a person
unfolding as you observe. “Wants nothing” time doesn’t produce
immediate results. Please remember this. Everything, especially
something new, needs time and patience. You must plant and
then reap; you put in what you feel is right, and then slowly it
germinates. Quality time is an investment in the future of your
child, as well as in the present. You are available, waiting; the
child is the initiator.
“Wants Something” Quality Time — This is when you do
have a goal of accomplishing something together, such as dress-
ing, bathing, feeding, etc. This, too, should be regarded as quality
time. You can make sure the child knows that this time is differ-
ent from your “Wants nothing” time by saying, “Now I want to
diaper you,” “Now it’s time to get dressed,” etc.
This is a time when you work for cooperation, using the time
for learning to do a task together when you expect the child to
participate. It should become something you both enjoy doing
together. Your availability is still there, except that during this
time you also have expectations. This is the beginning of
introducing and reinforcing discipline.
Around age two, a child’s most important task is to become
autonomous. Before this time, you and the child have what is
called a “symbiotic” relationship: parent and child are almost like
one. You depend emotionally on each other—and from this
attachment, both eventually have to separate from each other.

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 Quality Time

This is the separation-individuation stage, when the child

becomes an individual. This takes a long time. During this sepa-
ration phase the child will try his wings by teasing, challenging
and game playing.
_ There are two attitudes that are helpful in dealing with these
games: 1) you enjoy and acknowledge this playfulness; but when
it is time to go on, 2) you are firm. You allow a little time to play
the game and let the child know you are playing; then you be-
come firm and say that now it is time. You don’t back off; you
don’t reverse your message: “We really have to get dressed.
We've played, but now it’s time. Can you do it yourself, or shall
I do it?” Now we are not playing games with the infant because
we want to get the job done. Try not to get angry. Be matter-of-
fact and not aggressive. Anger only excites the child to want to
play more. You don’t respond to silly business at this stage. The
play is over. “I would have liked to do it together, but now I have
to do it for you. Maybe you can still help. Here, pull this up.”
Fooling around is very much part of development; but the chil-
dren do have to cooperate later: I’ll dance with you and then you
must dance with me.

Growing Together
Quality time is a time of growth, movement, ebb and flow. If
you can give these two kinds of quality time (“Wants nothing”
and “Wants something” themes), then you are really growing with
your children. It is the consistency of the time you are giving that
does so much. Do not worry if you cannot get together every day;
the rhythm of your togetherness will not be broken. It is what
happens consistently, not mechanically, that counts. You can be
together hour after hour in great quantities but not actually
connect, see, hear or respond to each other. That is not what

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quality time is all about.

The beauty of this special kind of availability is the way it
affects the older child and later the adult who was raised with it.
You will find that they do not feel they have to be forced to talk.
They can peacefully sit with the parent and then open up when
they want to. The child does not feel manipulated.
What you do with your child is an investment for the future.
Quality time is what everybody really wants: a gift of time and
attention.

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19. Diapering

ow MANY TIMES DO YOU think a baby gets diapered?

Six or seven thousand times. Why don’t we do it nicely? Why
don’t we make it a learning experience? Why don’t we want a
child to enjoy being diapered?
Diapering is very important.
As a daily responsibility of parents and other carers of infants
and toddlers, diapering is sometimes viewed as an unpleasant
chore, a task of hygiene, a time separate from an infant’s play and
learning. But in the process of diapering, we should remember
that we are not only doing the cleaning, we are intimately to-
gether with the child.
We are all affected, negatively or positively, by cumulative
experiences in our lives. One of the first such cumulative experi-
ences is diapering, involving much of the child’s and parent’s
time and energy during those first, most impressionable two to
three years of the child’s life.
While being diapered, the baby is close to the parent and can
see her face, feel her touch, hear her voice, observe her gestures,
and learn to anticipate and to know her.

Diapering as a “Chore”?
A parent who perceives diapering as a chore will often de-
velop a fast, efficient routine, with hygiene as the only goal in
mind. Often, toys and rattles are put into the infant’s hands to
distract the baby’s attention from the diapering activity. There is

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little eye contact or communication, since the parent concentrates

on the lower part of the infant’s body. And if the infant cries or
objects, the parent often hurries even more, consoling the baby,
“There, there, in no time we will be through, and then we can
play together.”
The outcome of this style of diapering is that it frequently
becomes mechanical and depersonalized for efficiency’s sake.
The infant also may receive several negative messages, such as:
that caring for the body and the body’s processes are offensive,
or that care activities are not enjoyable times together. When toys
are given to an infant while he is being diapered, the baby is being
encouraged to split his attention away from his body, away from
the task at hand, and away from relating with his parent. .

Diapering as Intimate Time Together

Diapering can be prime time for baby and parent, as enjoy-
able as playing together, when it is not seen as a chore. Within
the process of diapering, there are many opportunities available
for the infant in the form of learning experiences, playful interac-
tions and the development of the parents’ and infant’s relation-
ship.
The following sample dialogue illustrates the interaction and
learning opportunities in an everyday encounter:
Learning
Carer I t
ide Through

Greets child. “You seem to | Anticipation

be having a good time with
your rubber giraffe...”

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 Diapering

Learning
Carer Infant
Through

Tells and shows what she is Pays attention Attention

‘going to do. “...but I want
to pick you up and diaper
you.
”

Waits for infant’s reaction. Responds to Awareness

the initiations
of carer (posi-
tively or nega-
tively)

“You’re not quite ready so Pauses, looks Responsive-

I'll wait a little.” at carer ness to each
other

... one or two minutes later ..

“Now you seem ready.” Expecta-

tions

“First we have to remove Cooperates The job of

your overalls. You pull out and partici- pleasing and
your foot.” pates of actively
participating

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Carer Infant abs

“You helped with this Achieves mas- Mastery

(touches foot), now pull out tery, becomes
the other foot.” playful, teas-
ing, doing the
opposite of
what is
asked.”

Enters the game but eventu- Enjoys the Joy of doing

ally gets back to task. “This _ process, task
(smiling) doesn’t look like — laughs together
a foot, but more like a hand
to me.” Enjoys the process.

These guidelines are not meant to create another style of

“mechanized” diapering but to give you and your infant a sense
of the importance of this daily care activity and to take fuller
advantage of the many opportunities available for the infant
through meaningful social, emotional, and physical exchange.

Playful teasing by the infant (doing the opposite of what is asked or

expected) indicates developing trust.

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20. Feeding

Bex MOST NEW PARENTS, the most worrisome areas are

crying, sleeping, and feeding/eating. Of course, they are interre-
lated.
Parents are often eager to give their babies the breast or a
bottle whenever the babies show signs of any discomfort. For a
new mother with a crying child, it can seem like a much too long-
term project to find out why the baby is crying. The breast (or
bottle) is available, and the crying stops right away. Nursing gives
some mothers a good feeling, physically, and reassures them of
their ability to know what the baby needs and that they are able
to provide it. No wonder many people believe and advocate that
the breast is the ideal comforter and soother—I do not.
Offering the breast is offering food. Food is what your baby
needs when hungry. But to use food as a means to soothe, to
overcome tiredness, to eliminate discomfort or pain, can create
unhealthy habits for a whole lifetime.
Contrasting the simple physiological cycle of hunger/satiation
with the complex psychological relationship we develop toward
food helps us to a better understanding of parental attitudes and
feeding problems.

The Physiological Cycle

Hunger/satiation is a physiologically determined rhythmic
cycle, similar to ebb and flow. Nutrients are carried to the cells.
The food supply diminishes in the stomach, and the brain sends

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hunger signals. Perceiving these signals as tension and discom-

fort, the infant cries, “asking” for food (relief). When given a
breast or a bottle, the baby sucks, fills up, and gets satiated.
While infants vary in the amount of food they take at each
feeding, the optimal goal should be to fill up the baby’s stomach,
allowing the baby to feel the sensation of fullness. Then, after
time to digest the meal, the baby will gradually begin to feel the
signs of hunger again.
A baby who has gotten into the habit of constant snacks may
never experience real hunger nor real satiation and may develop
a constant pseudo-need to suck and a continuous appetite for
food.

Our Attitudes Toward Food

Eating is a necessity; it is also pleasurable. Food is used for
a reward, for celebration, for consolation, for conditioning and
for bribery. Food symbolizes love, mother, caring, happiness,
social grace, relaxation, pleasure, satisfaction, and on and on. No
wonder parents feel rewarded, accepted, and loved when their
baby eats well and rejected when she does not—though the baby
rejects only the food, not them.
Even if parents could divorce themselves from all that emo-
tional overlay, feeding a baby is still an enormous responsibility.
Parents usually have three major concerns: what to feed, when
to feed (how often, for how long), and how to feed.

What and When to Feed

What to feed? We advise you to consult with your pediatri-
cian. The advantages of breast feeding (natural protection, plea-
surable for both, hygienic, easily available, no cost) are widely
accepted. The benefits of bottle feeding and formulas are also

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well known (can be used by father and other carers, and you
know how much the baby ate).
Breast-feeding mothers often ask: “Is my milk nutritious?”
“Am I possibly eating something that is giving my baby colic?”
and “Do I have enough milk?” The infant weight scale is a simple
solution to some of these questions but is not widely used. Pedia-
tricians do not recommend them, saying it makes parents more
anxious to know how much, or maybe how little, babies eat. I
cannot accept this thinking. Why would knowing make anybody
more anxious than not knowing? I have never found it cumber-
some to put a baby on a scale before and after each feeding. (The
scale must be precise.)
To keep a diary on your baby’s weight gains and the amount
of food she consumes is the best way to learn about your baby’s
pattern of eating. Once you understand this pattern, it may be
easier to see the changes and the relationship between food
intake, crying and sleeping. You may also discover connections
between some foods you eat and your baby’s restlessness and
crying.
When and how often to feed? Simple—when the baby is
really hungry. But it is not easy to know when a baby is truly
hungry. It will take you some time to differentiate a real hunger
cry from others. It helps if you do not offer food as a first solu-
tion, but wait. Many babies stop crying all by themselves.
Remember, you can condition a baby to want food even when
she is not hungry.
For how long should a baby eat? For as long as she is
vigorously working on it. I do not believe that a baby should keep
the nipple or bottle in her mouth while asleep, or while being
distracted. Gently pulling the nipple out either reminds the baby
that she is still hungry and stimulates her sucking, or allows her

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to let the nipple out easily if she is satiated. Most babies easily
learn to suck all they need in a short period of time.

Where and How to Feed

Comfortable Position — Whether you breast- or bottle-feed,
take your time to find the most comfortable position for yourself,
as well as for the baby. I am saddened to watch how may parents
feed in a hurry and in very poor positions. Why?
If your own body is fully relaxed, everywhere well supported,
and you hold the baby so that you do not need to bend or tense,
both of you will have a pleasurable time together (and for nursing
mothers, your milk will flow more easily).
At home, it helps to feed at the same place. But wherever you
do it, do make it comfortable.
Introducing New Foods — When to introduce new foods and
what to offer should be discussed with your pediatrician, as there
is a range of opinions.
Babies respond differently to new experiences such as a new
food. When introducing a new taste, I would say, “Here is
applesauce, you can try it.” We offer the same new food for one
or two weeks, once a day, never forcing it. If your baby turns her
head away or shuts her mouth, you stop. She may taste tiny
amounts before choosing to eat one quarter of a baby spoonful,
and eventually she may even like the food. The child should like
and enjoy the new foods we give her.
Do not be in a rush and do not push the baby.
Weaning — Weaning should be done in a very slow and
gradual way according to the child’s readiness. Eliminating one
breast feeding at a time, keeping the morning and evening feed-
ings as the last to go, continues these times of special closeness.
The process of weaning may not go smoothly, but in all parts

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of the world it is done sooner or later. Try to do it in harmony

with the child, so he gets the food he enjoys and the nutrition he
needs. Some children naturally go through this process faster
than others.
Lap Feeding, then Small Table — Lap feeding offers oppor-
tunities for intimacy and a more comfortable position for infants
than in a seat or high chair. I prefer babies to be fed in their
parents’ or carers’ laps until they have matured enough to sit
securely and to get in and out of their size-appropriate stool,
bench or chair by themselves. The seat should be low enough for
their feet to rest comfortably on the floor. True, it is easier to
strap a toddler into a high chair than to help her learn to eat in
her small chair; but we like the idea of teaching toddlers that, if
they get up, this will be interpreted as a sign that they are not
hungry, and so we take the food away. It is one of many ways of
letting a child know that she has some control of how much she
eats.
Three Spoons, Two Bowls — Most babies want to grab the
spoon the adult is holding. We offer a different spoon to the baby.
At first she will soon drop or throw it. Eventually, she will try to
feed herself.
We make it a habit to have a larger bowl and a serving spoon
with the whole food supply and a small bowl into which we put
tiny amounts in front of the child. We feed the baby from the
small bowl and also allow her to try to feed herself from this small
bowl. (We refill from the larger one.)
As she becomes increasingly skillful in using the spoon, we
let her eat more and more on her own, until we no longer use our
spoon to help. This transition can take many months.
Changing Appetites — Parents easily get upset when a
usually good eater becomes fussy. Remember that appetites

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change. A baby’s need for food drops drastically around one year
of age, when her rate of growth slows down, and also before and
during an illness. If you do not coax and cajole, her appetite
naturally comes back. With the two-spoon method of feeding, the
tiny amounts of food in the smaller bowl will make the child eager
to ask for more and you can give as many helpings as she asks
for.
If you want your baby to develop a taste for wholesome food
rather than junk food, have only nutritious food available.
Family Meals — Many parents ask whether babies should
participate in family meals.
Family meals are very, very rarely pleasurable when babies are
included. Not only do babies not have any table manners, they
need constant attention, create a mess, and I cannot see why such
a tense atmosphere is desirable.
I prefer that the parent feed a baby ahead of time (and maybe
even for the baby to be in bed) by the time the parents enjoy a
well-deserved, peaceful meal. When children can participate in
table conversations, they are ready to join the family at the table.

Avoiding Feeding Problems

Our attitude toward food affects our physical and emotional
health. Just think of the many people who struggle throughout
life with eating and related problems, from overeating to ano-
rexia, to drinking, smoking, and drug abuse.
Many of these problems could be avoided by remembering
that:
e@ At no time, for no reason, should a child be forced,
cajoled, talked or bribed into eating more than he
wants to eat.

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@ When the child shows any disinterest, not even half

an ounce nor a spoonful more should be offered.
(This keeps the child’s self-regulation intact.)
@ Food should not be used as bribery or a reward. For
instance, giving a baby a bottle so he will go to sleep
confuses two of the most important primary needs.
It can create both sleeping and eating difficulties.
@ Wholesome food should be offered but the child’s
choices (tastes, likes, dislikes) respected.

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21. Sleeping

Gate CHILDREN ARE not asleep for eight hours and then
awake all day, as most adults are. First, they fall asleep, then they
wake up a little bit, then they fall asleep again.
Both the amount and the pattern of sleep change from child
to child and, of course, change as a baby grows. Newborn and
very young babies are asleep most of the time; they alternate
periods of sleep and periods of wakefulness six to ten times
within 24 hours, with an average of 18 to 21 hours of sleep.
Two- to three-year-olds average 12 to 14 hours of sleep.
Everything that happens to your baby during the day can
influence her sleep pattern. Young babies get tired often during
the day, and if not distracted, would fall asleep. When parents
complain about their babies’ sleep patterns, they usually do not
consider how their daily activities influence sleep.
Unfortunately in our busy society too few infants are given
the opportunity to follow a natural, predictable daily routine.
Often infants must adapt to the schedules of other members of
the family. That means infants are not allowed to follow their
biological clocks.
It is not easy for a family to juggle all duties without disrupt-
ing a baby’s sleep-wake pattern.
Your goal is to help your baby develop good sleeping habits.

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Developing Good Sleep Habits

The easiest way to develop good habits in general is to have
a predictable daily life.
Does your baby spend plenty of time outdoors? (See, Out-
door Living, page 103) Building a room-size outdoor playpen is
an excellent investment. Napping outdoors (protected from the
sun) is a good habit.
Young babies thrive on routine. Ideally, daily events of eating,
sleeping, bathing, outdoor play, etc., happen around the same
time and in the same sequence each day. As the baby is learning
to anticipate the next event, many conflicts are eliminated. A
mutual adaptation of the biological rhythm of your baby and your
family schedule develops. It also enables you, the parent, to plan
for those blocks of time when your baby is usually napping or
playing peacefully.

Recognizing Tiredness
I believe that you cannot go wrong letting children rest when
they need it and giving them a very peaceful environment. After
a slow-paced day, infants are more likely to sleep peacefully
throughout the night.
Sensitively watch for the very first signs of tiredness (slowing
down, closing eyes, being less focused, being irritable). That is
the time an infant is ready for sleep. As time goes by, increased
tiredness may build resistance—and once the “second wind” hits,
going to sleep becomes an ordeal for both your baby and you. An
overtired child sleeps restlessly, wakes up more often during the
night, and gets up grouchy, too early in the morning.
Stress and overstimulation can also cause exhaustion, irrita-
bility and resistance to sleep.
Many parents I have advised have learned with surprise and

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delight that, contrary to their fears, putting babies to bed very

early in the evening did not make them wake up earlier in the
morning. Indeed, their babies often woke up much later in the
morning, adding hours of sleep.

Putting Your Baby to Bed

Parents often find that the easiest way to put their baby to bed
is to give her a bottle or nurse her to sleep. I have observed,
however, that as an infant becomes more aware of herself and of
her environment, it is better to put her down while she is still
somewhat awake. Waking up in a crib with no memory of having
been put there can be disorienting and scary. Younger babies who
are lifted into their cribs when asleep may wake up confused
because of the sudden change (going from a more upright posi-
tion to lying flat).

A Pre-Bedtime Ritual
As bedtime approaches, create an atmosphere that becomes
progressively slower paced and more quiet. Do you happen to
know the lovely book by Margaret Wise Brown, Good Night
Moon, in which, page by page, the room darkens, gradually
evoking a sleepy mood? This is the feeling | suggest you work
toward.
Repeating a simple pre-bedtime ritual helps your baby to get
ready gradually. For example, making a habit of commenting
while putting away toys can be helpful: “The ball goes into this
basket here in the corner; your doll sits on the top shelf; the toys
will stay here until morning, when you can play with them again.”
Such comments build a bridge between “tonight” and “tomor-
row” and provide a sense of continuity and security.
Then you may continue, “I am going to pull the curtains now,

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then I will turn off the big light and put on the night light, then
I will go into the other room.” As your infant grows older, she
may take over the role and have such monologues herself.
Some infants have a special bed companion, a “lovey” such
as a teddy bear or blanket (also referred to as a transitional
object). Putting your child and her lovey to bed, you may talk to
the bear, “Have a peaceful rest. I will cover both Alison and you
so that the two of you will feel comfortable and cozy. Are you
ready for your lullaby?” (You may want to sing or wind up a
music box—a little music is a soothing way to end a day.) Finally,
caress your baby gently and say, “Good night. I’ll see you in the
morning.”

Falling, and Not Falling, Asleep

As you can see, I am giving you ideas of how you can create
an atmosphere conducive to rest.
But remember, nobody can make another person fall asleep.
How to relax and let sleep come is a skill your child, like
everybody else, must learn all by herself.
Children also wake up several times during the night and
learn how to ease themselves back into sleep (unless they have
a need or get scared).
Some children seem to really need to cry themselves to sleep.
Sometimes just letting them cry those extra parent-painful min-
utes before sleep can be helpful.
Theories and fads keep changing, from advising you to sleep
together in the “family bed,” to putting the infant far enough
away not to be disturbed by his crying.
Be prepared that there will be times when a child may become
reluctant to fall asleep: when she comes down with.a sickness,
shortly before a spurt of new development, or during certain

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 Sleeping

vulnerable times of emotional growth (such as during the stage

of separation anxiety).
Do not expect a magic formula; sometimes one problem area
cannot be isolated from the rest of the everyday life of your baby.
Your overall attitude can make a difference. Do not feel sorry
for “poor baby” who must go to bed—rather remember how
good it feels to rest when you are tired, and how nice it feels to
wake up refreshed.

SF
Dorothy was much fussier and more dependent on me than my
first child. It seemed she would never sleep, no matter how much
I would nurse her, rock her, jiggle her or pat her, and she hated to
be put down at all. I really felt at my wit’s end; but I had read that
some babies just need a lot more attention and comfort and a lot
less sleep than others, and I guessed that’s who Dorothy was.
It’s hard for me to believe the transformation we've both gone
through as a result of my taking Magda’s class [at Pacific Oaks
College]. To begin with, and despite my skepticism, I decided to
try Magda’s suggestion that babies spend some time playing on the
floor. I put Dorothy on her back with a few toys near her. To my
astonishment, rather than crying, she really enjoyed herself and in
fact spent the first few times figuring how to roll over. I discovered
that she could entertain herself.
Then I brought Dorothy with me to an all-day class, since I
was uncomfortable leaving her at home for eight hours. Magda
had all of us “observe” her, and I was so proud at how comfortable
Dorothy seemed quietly playing, rolling, stretching, and reaching
while we watched. I realized how much more delight I was finding
in her, since learning to let her play on her own.
After about an hour, when Dorothy started to fuss mildly, I

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leaped to my feet, declaring that she was surely hungry, and

nursed her for a few minutes. I put her down again, and a few
minutes later she began to fuss again. Inside, I panicked. I just
knew that unless I started major walking and jiggling she would
get hysterical.
Magda gently asked me what I thought the problem was, and
how I would solve it at home. I replied that I didn’t know what the
problem was, and at home I would pick her up. Magda then
commented that to her, Dorothy seemed tired, and suggested that
I wait a few minutes to see what happened. I waited, fully expect-
ing a hurricane. Instead, first Dorothy moved her head back and
forth a few times, then popped her fingers in her mouth, and fell
asleep. It was the first time I had ever seen my child fall asleep on
her own. My mouth was hanging open like a trap door.
Magda then suggested that falling asleep is a skill. While
everyone learns it sooner or later (unfortunately, for a few, it is
never easy without external—often pharmaceutical—aids), as
parents we can best help our children to learn this skill by trusting
that they can, and by refraining from the interference that conveys
to them that they can't. I felt like one of those cartoon characters
with a light bulb flashing over my head. Theory and application
merged as I watched my daughter peacefully sleep through the rest
of the morning class, soothing herself back to sleep when a noise
disturbed her.
The next morning, when Dorothy started her tired fussing, I
took her to her crib, explained calmly that she was tired, needed
to sleep, and I couldn’t do it for her, and left her. She slept for
three hours and has been sleeping a lot ever since. No wonder the
poor child was so cranky—she was exhausted.

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22. Choosing
Play Objects

iN FreeePARENTS ARE CONCERNED about the hows, whys

and whats of babies’ toys.
First I would like to say that, rather than “toys,” I prefer to
call them play objects. We say that a baby is playing when she is
manipulating an object (even if it is her own hand), so in fact any
object a baby would choose to manipulate would be a play object.

Safety
As for my recommendations, the most important considera-
tion is safety. Any play object must be safe for the infant who will
use it.
This means a play object must be too big to be swallowed. A
play object must not have removable parts. The eyes and ears of
many teddy bears have ended up in babies’ stomachs and, if they
are lucky, in their stools. The peas and dried beans inside some
stuffed animals can escape through tiny holes in the seams.
(What a baby will typically do with these small, round objects is
push them into his nose. The mucous inside the baby’s nose can
cause the bean to swell, and a doctor’s help may be required to
remove it.)
The small objects that older children play with (construction
toys, tiny people and animals, etc.) are dangerous for infants and
must be kept away from them. If you are in doubt about the
swallowability of a toy, there is a size tester marketed for adults

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to use (available through educational supply houses and some big

toy stores) that might be useful for you. Some people use the
hollow core of a toilet paper roll to test a safe size: if the toy will
fall through the cylinder, it is too small and should be kept away
from babies.
Other elements of safety include checking a play object for
sharp edges, breakability and anything that might cause suffoca-
tion. I would never give a baby a balloon for several reasons: for
one thing, it might burst and frighten him; but more importantly,
he might put a popped or unblown balloon into his mouth, get
it caught in his throat and asphyxiate. For a similar reason I
would not give an infant a silk or nylon scarf: babies tend to jam
things into their mouths, and a flimsy fabric could cause a-baby
to choke.
I would also not give an infant any toy with liquid inside, such
as those hourglass rattles with little beads floating in clear fluid.
There is always the possibility that, if the rattle were to break, the
beads could spill out; and since babies explore the world largely
with their mouths, those beads could end up inside the baby.
Some of the loveliest toys to look at are ones I would not
choose for use with groups of babies: those made of heavy wood.
In a group situation a heavy wooden object may easily become
a flying missile and may injure another child. However, for a
single child at home, some wooden toys can be very nice.
I also do not like to see infants playing with objects that have
long strings attached, such as pull toys for beginning walkers.
The strings can too easily be wrapped around an infant’s neck
during normal play. (It is partly for these reasons that I do not
recommend having infants and toddlers in the same group. Play
objects and activities appropriate for toddlers can create an
unsafe environment for infants.)

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Recommendations
In general, play objects for babies should be simple, sturdy,
and cleanable. In a baby’s play space there should be a variety of
sizes, shapes and weights represented (but none so heavy that a
baby would be injured if she were to drop it). The arrangement
of objects should be orderly; and the furnishings should be
geared to the child regarding size, placement, etc.
Most importantly, play objects for infants need to be those
which the infant can touch, grasp, look at, hold, mouth, and
manipulate endlessly. It is easy to find such objects in your own
kitchen or in a variety store.
First: A Scarf — If you have observed very young babies, you
know how much they like to hold on to their blankets, clothing
or diapers. | consider the best first “toy” a scarf about 18 inches
square made of sturdy cotton or linen. (Never use flimsy material
such as silk, nylon, etc.) You can buy or sew several in different
colors and patterns. Hold the scarf in the middle and stand it up
to form a peak. Place it at an angle where the infant can look at
it, reach out for it, touch it and eventually grab it.
You will be amazed at how many different ways and for how
long even a very young baby will manipulate such a scarf.
Containers — At RIE we have many plastic and other light
weight containers for the babies to manipulate. Cups, bowls,
colanders, dishpans and baskets in many sizes, shapes, and colors
provide children with many hours of activity during their first two
years of life.
Containers offer opportunities for babies to explore many
notions, including “in” and “out,” while the child remains in
control of the activity and the object. This builds feelings of
competence and confidence along with the concrete information
gathered.

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Collect a variety of colorful, sturdy plastic containers. Make

sure some will nest inside others and that some will stack. Check
to find some with which an infant can make interesting noises
when tapping them against each other or the floor. Infants also
enjoy holding things with holes in them, such as plastic bread
baskets or colanders. Molded ice cube trays are a favorite, too.
For more variety, include some lightweight, shiny metal plates or
pans (but watch for sharp corners).
Balls — For all infants, | recommend balls, balls, balls: big
ones, small ones, plastic whiffle-type ones with holes (babies love
to put their fingers into the holes and move them around). I like
beach balls blown up to different degrees of firmness, so it is easy
for little fingers to grab and lift them. Rubber balls are fine (but
not those made of rubber foam, as infants could bite and eat
pieces). Inflatable water toys, especially beach rings, offer many
different kinds of experiences for infants—all on dry land, of
course.
Bottles, Chains — All sizes of empty plastic bottles, thor-
oughly cleaned, are safe, easy for babies to mouth, manipulate
and safely poke their fingers into. They also make very interesting
noises when they fall over or bump another object. The two-
quart-size soda bottles are among the best of this type.
Plastic chains are always fascinating to infants. Those well-
known large-sized pop beads are still favorites, as are newer
types. Make sure, though, that if the chains are flexible, they are
not long enough to tangle around a baby’s neck or limbs. (This
is not a concern with pop-type beads because the chain is not
very bendable.)
Boxes — As a baby becomes older and more mobile, boxes of
all types are excellent play objects. Large boxes can be crawled
on, in or through; smaller ones can become containers for other

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play objects. Boxes can become towers, tunnels, walls, vehicles.

Of course, the same criteria of safety and sturdiness hold for
boxes as for other play objects.
Special Gifts — For something special that a child will use
more as she becomes a little older, wooden toys are fine for one
child to use at home. Many toy stores carry beautiful wooden
blocks and lovely wooden puzzles of simple shapes with knobs
for little fingers to lift each piece. Dolls (safe, with no small,
removabie parts) and some preschool materials, such as wooden
cylinder sets in their own trays, make fine gifts.

Active Infant, Passive Object

What do all of these recommended play objects have in com-
mon? None do anything. They will respond only when the infant
activates them. In other words, our active infant manipulates
passive objects.
In contrast, entertaining kinds of toys (such as mobiles or,
later on, wind-up toys or battery-operated items) cause a passive
infant to watch an active toy. This trains the child to expect to be
amused and entertained and sets the scene for later TV watching.
I dislike toys labeled “educational,” especially for the first year of
life. (See, Equipment: What Is Really Necessary?, page 159)
The best materials for infants need not be fancy, but neither
are they limited to cast-offs. The best play objects are those which
allow infants to be as active and competent as possible at every
stage of development.

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23. Outdoor Living

bisies THRIVE OUT-OF-DOORS. They sleep better, eat

better, look better, play better, and learn better. Fresh air both
soothes and stimulates. I always tell parents how much more
easily they could raise healthy, “happy” children if they would
make outdoor living a regular habit for their babies.
Very young babies will sleep much of the time; but as they
grow older, they learn to enjoy being outdoors, spending time
sleeping, eating, playing, just as they would do indoors.

Your Infant’s Outdoor Play Area

If possible, establish an outdoor play area for your baby. An
ideal situation would be to live in a fairly pollution-free area with
direct access to a fenced-in yard with grass and trees, or to a
porch, patio, etc. In my experience, when you have to carry out
a crib or playpen every day, or several times a day, it just gets to
be too much. If you have such a space, make the best investment
and buy, perhaps secondhand, a duplicate crib or playpen’ to
keep outdoors. (See, Equipment: What Is Really Necessary?,
page 159).
Like most activities in daily life with baby, whatever gets done
regularly and routinely gives predictability and security to both

A playpen should have a bottom part made of wood, a firm water proof
pad, and a cotton cover on top. (It is not pleasant to have a naked body
in direct contact with plastic.)

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baby and parent.

As the infant becomes more mobile, the size of his outdoor
play area should be increased. Ideally, he should have a very large
playpen (small room size) in which to roll and crawl and eventu-
ally creep. After 12 to 18 months, a part of the yard (large room
size) should be fenced around. Eventually a safe, fenced-in yard
may become the child’s territory.

Starting Out Outdoors

A healthy full-term newborn can be taken out at about four
weeks of age—at first, only when the temperature outside is
similar to the one in the infant’s room. Keep him dressed or
covered the same way he is indoors. Keep the crib in the shade,
and take the infant out preferably after feeding and diapering.
Probably he will fall asleep.
Starting with about 15 minutes first, you can increase the
timing each day. When your baby becomes three months or
older, many of his waking hours can be spent outdoors.

Sun and Weather

‘To expose very young children to direct sun can be danger-
ous. A baby who is sleeping outdoors should stay in the shade.
An umbrella or towel can be used to provide shade and adjusted
to change as the sun’s rays move. By the time the baby plays in
a playpen, he can be naked! (Sunscreen is recommended.) Being
outdoors in the morning is safer, midday sun should be avoided.
It doesn’t matter what season of the year it is, especially in
moderate climates. But of course, too much sun, too strong and
rapid changes of temperature, extreme cold, extreme heat, dense
fog, heavy smog, strong winds, etc., should all be avoided. You
must use your judgment and, of course, dress the baby appropri-

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ately. In many countries, children do get accustomed to, and

enjoy, very cold weather. They sleep on terraces under protected
roofs while it rains—even snows—outside.

Frequent Checking
When your baby is outside, you should keep checking on her.
Ideally, stay at hearing and seeing distance; but you can still go
on with your own activities. Do not let your baby cry outside. Try
to guess what started the crying in the first place and, if possible,
attend to it. Stay out a little while with your baby; and if the
crying continues, take her inside. But by all means take the child
out again later. Probably it just was not the right time.

Benefits
If you start at an early age, your baby will learn to love the
outdoors and will enjoy herself there. These times will help her
be less inclined to be clingy, nagging, overly dependent, con-
stantly needing company or entertainment.
The stimuli which nature provides are unparalleled. Even the
youngest infant becomes fascinated by listening to the birds,
watching the movements of flies, butterflies, shadows and leaves.
Air circulation, temperature change, the playfulness of sunlight
and shadow are strong stimuli to the skin, the eyes, the lungs,
and the metabolism. As the young organism learns to adjust to
and cope with constant changes, it becomes more resistant.
Of course, the child can also have toys in the play area or
yard. But what a different learning experience your child will have
watching nature, rather than watching TV!

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24. Discipline:
Clarifying the Goal

Capanpere NEED EXPECTATIONS. They need to know

where they stand in all kinds of life situations. They need to know
the rules.
Discipline is an integral part of this rooted, secure feeling.
From birth on, the parent sets the life-space for the child. At RIE,
we certainly believe in the benefits of discipline, for both par ents
and infants.
The word discipline has different meanings, both according
to the dictionary and in people’s minds. Take a moment to close
your eyes and mentally clarify how you feel about discipline.
Open your eyes and write down your own definition of it.
Parents often think of it as punishment, corporal or other-
wise, Or as a system of punishments and rewards. I see discipline
as being a social contract in which family or community members
agree to accept and obey a particular set of rules. (See, “House
Rules,” page 111)
You may be surprised, as I was, after reading this dictionary
definition of discipline: “Training that develops self-control,
character.”
If one would think of what is to be accomplished, what is to
be achieved by discipline, there would be an entirely different
feeling for what it is. With discipline, you must have a certain
goal in mind.
A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to

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raise children we not only love, but in whose company we love

being. This is not easy to do. Basically, most parents are afraid
of disciplining their children because they are afraid of the power
struggle. They are afraid of overpowering the child, afraid they
will destroy the child’s free will and personality. This is an erro-
neous attitude.
Discipline is not a goal in itself. It serves the reality of living
within a society. Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.
Sometimes it is very difficult and even painful to discipline.
It is easier to say, “Yes, okay, have your own way.” But then what
has been accomplished?

Realistic Expectations
One misconception most parents share is that children must
be happy all the time. That is an unrealistic expectation because
there are instinctual desires that we have but cannot satisfy at a
given moment, or maybe ever. Life is a combination of pain and
pleasure.
Young children cry when they cannot have what they want.
Parents sometimes so identify with their infant and his tears that
they cannot bear denying him his heart’s desire.
But it is not the best thing to try to keep your children happy
all the time. That is not the way life is. Getting to many goals
involves struggle and sometimes pain. That is the human condi-
tion. When children find this out too late, after being sheltered
and buffered unrealistically, they may find it difficult and fright-
ening to cope with real life.
There is no way over-indulged children are going to be
happy, because they seldom get direct, honest responses from
their parents. These parents are basically negligent.

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Saying “No”
It is not always easy for parents to say “No.”
A parent’s ambivalence, guilt feelings, and areas of confusion
in his or her role will be picked up and used amazingly fast by
young children. They seem to have a sixth sense for it. Any
ambivalence from a parent will produce a nagging response.
Know what is important, both for you and for the infant. If
you are not clear, the infant’s opposition will persist, which will
make you, the parent, even angrier. This in turn highlights the
conflict that exists already, leading to an unhappy situation com-
bining anger, guilt, and fear. A child has a difficult time growing
up with ambivalent parents.
Children need discipline and structure. Be clear. Be honest.
When you say “No,” really mean it. Let your face and posture
reflect “No” as well.

Learning for a Lifetime

Once the external disciplinary lessons are learned, the child
begins to internalize—to learn the lessons on his own—and even
realize that some things that are desired are not always good for
us or for others.
Structure, expectations, predictability—all add to responsibly
raising and loving our children. The freedom we all feel deep
within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in
the scheme of things.

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25. “House Rules”

[eine WITHIN A SYSTEM of generally accepted rules

makes life easier for all of us.
While rules vary among cultures and among families, I think
most people would agree that a mutually acceptable system of
rules is helpful for coexistence. This system can be determined
within each family by clarifying the needs of its members and
then developing a set of rules or guidelines which accommodates
those needs as much as possible. After deciding on the rules, a
parent must then introduce them to the child and reinforce them.
The question is “How?” My guidelines for the “how” are as
follows:
e Establish a few, simple, reasonable rules and make
sure they are age-appropriate;
Expect these rules to be obeyed;
Be consistent but not rigid;
Give the child choices within a secure framework;
Remember that even children (especially children)
need to be able to save face and avoid power
struggles.

Simple, Age-Appropriate Rules

First of all, remember that discipline is not a set of rigidly
enforced mandates, but a process in which the infant learns to
become a social being. Social learning, like any other form of
learning, is dependent upon the child’s readiness. Don’t expect

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things of an infant that are against the very nature of her current
developmental stage. To expect a newborn not to cry, a very
young baby not to put things in her mouth, or a toddler not to say
“no” is unreasonable. Also, timing is important. One cannot
expect cooperation from a sleepy or hungry baby.

Expectations
In my practice I have seen that a child’s response to parental
demands depends very much upon the parents’ own deep-down
expectations. The way a demand is expressed triggers the child
to do something or not to do it. If the parent does not really
believe in the validity of a particular rule, or is afraid that the
child will not obey, chances are the child will not.
An ambivalent parent will make things more difficult. Know
your role as a parent. You must have certain goals and principles
for your children. (See, Discipline: Clarifying the Goal, page 107)

Consistency
Predictability is habit-forming. Developing habits makes it
much easier to live with rules.
Because very young children do not understand the reasons
behind the rules they are expected to follow, it is better if these
rules become simply a matter of course. There are some things
we do not need or want to re-examine every time we do them,
such as brushing our teeth. It is much more convenient for us if
actions like these become habits.
In addition, we all know how difficult it is to change habits
once we have them. For this reason alone, we should try to
establish good habits from the very beginning. This is why I tell
parents to start creating patterns and routines right from the
child’s birth. (See, Predictability: Helping Your Child Feel Secure,

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 “House Rules”

page 57) For example, it is much easier to get a baby to go to

sleep when the same routine precedes each night’s bedtime. This
should continue until the child herself indicates the need for some
sort of change.
Through regularity of routines, babies eventually learn to
anticipate that which is expected of them. This is the beginning
of discipline.

Choice Within Boundaries

Boundaries which are predictably and consistently reinforced
provide security. In order to really develop inner discipline,
children must be given the freedom to make choices. Knowing
when to give infants freedom and when to introduce limits is
most important and is the backbone of the RIE approach.
We need to remember that limits function as traffic signals,
keeping things flowing smoothly between family members. Within
this framework are those things a child is expected to do (non-
negotiable areas), what she is allowed to do (negotiable areas),
what is tolerated (“I don’t really like that, but I can understand
why you need to do it”) and what is forbidden (“I don’t want you
to do that”). These are the parameters of discipline.
Within these parameters are what I perceive as important
areas of choice. Babies must have freedom in the area of gross
motor development and play. Parents provide safe, appropriately
sized rooms or fenced areas in which the infants can move and
explore freely, and parents provide safe and simple play objects—
but the infants choose how they want to move and to learn. The
infants’ use of objects and play materials should not be restricted
or interfered with.

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The RIE Approach to Discipline

Avoiding Power Struggles

If a child has ample opportunity to play independently, with-
out interruption, he is likely to be much more willing to cooperate
with the demands of his parent. One can further enhance the
child’s sense of himself as a decision-maker by allowing enough
time to elapse after requesting something, so that the child can
decide on his own whether or not to cooperate.
And we must understand that children need to be able to save
face when they have not obeyed a rule. Young children fight an
inner struggle. One part of them wants to please, yet they also
have to resist in order to test the limits of their power. (See,
Quality Time, page 75) In a way, each one of us carries around
that eternal two-year-old, who shouts “No!” as he is offered an
ice-cream cone, even while reaching for it. Most of us seldom like
to be told what to do, even when it is good for us.

Teaching and Reinforcing Rules

In our RIE parent-infant classes* a demonstrator models how
we teach and reinforce rules. As babies become young toddlers
and can sit by themselves, we offer a snack at a special table
around which the demonstrator and the toddlers sit. The snack
is always predictably the same: bananas and diluted apple juice.
Toddlers may choose to eat or not to eat, but they may not take
food or juice away from the table.
It is an incredible learning experience for all of us to see how
even the youngest toddlers at the table learn the rule and decide
whether or not to obey it. After many repetitions of the rule, they
get the message and then have to test it over and over again.

4
These classes meet for two hours once a week. (See, About RIE,
page 191)

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We’ve often seen a toddler steal away from the table and then
turn back to make sure that the demonstrator sees her, as though
she were checking to see whether the rule would be enforced.
This shows that the child “understands” that a rule exists.
It is natural for toddlers to want to carry food away from the
table; they can see no real reason not to. When a child ignores
the rule, the demonstrator tries to show that she fully understands
the child’s desire to do what he wants and that he is not naughty
or bad for having that desire. Therefore, she does not get angry
with the child but calmly repeats the rule as she enforces it.
Of course, parents get irritated after their toddlers test rules
repeatedly. But the child’s behavior may become easier to handle
once one realizes that it stems from a natural inclination and not
from a desire to drive the parent crazy. (See, Toddlers, page 137)

Understanding and Mutual Respect

Children, like adults, need rules and guidelines. The RIE
approach to discipline is based on understanding and mutual
respect among family members, and it facilitates these qualities
as well. We could easily exchange the word “discipline” for the
word “Educaring”; they are both a combination of learning and
nurturance. The goal is inner or self-discipline, self-confidence,
and joy in the act of cooperation.

iBhey
The RIE Approach to Discipline

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26. Praise or
Acknowledgment

S INCE WE VALUE INNER-DIRECTEDNESS in a child, we

prefer to offer gentle validations instead of instructions, criticism,
and even praise.
Occasional reflections reassure the infant of our full attention
and show our empathy. Rather than to give praise, the adult can
be a “broadcaster” and describe the child’s actions.
“You touched the ball, and it rolled away.”
“It’s hard to separate the two cups.”
“Jonathan is standing up all by himself
1”

A joyful smile when the infant solves a problem conveys our

pleasure in his success.
By being quietly available, appreciating and enjoying what the
infants actually do, we reinforce their self-initiated activities.

Acknowledging Positive Behavior

I prefer giving acknowledgment, rather than rewards.
“I like it when you pick up your toys.”
Do not promise a reward for behavior that you can expect of
your young children—let them know how good you feel about
them. Just seeing the beaming smile of admiration on his parent’s
face is rewarding enough for an infant.
Whereas most people respond to negative behavior, we try
to emphasize positive behavior. We prefer to give attention to the
infant at the times we see behavior we would like to encourage.

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The commonly used “good girl” or “good boy” often be-

comes mechanical and is subtly demeaning. It implies a child’s
value as a person is contingent on his “performance.” It can
create a conflict for the child. He may think he is “bad” if he acts
differently from whatever has just been praised as “good.”
Children don’t need big hooplas, just a strong acknowl-
edgment on your part.

Criteria for Praise

I do have a few criteria for praise:
e Do not praise a child who is happily playing;
e Do not praise a child who is “performing” for adults;
e@ Praise a child for social adaptation—for doing things
that are very difficult, like waiting or sharing.

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27. Opposing Needs,

Different Points of View

eon OVER DISCIPLINE often arises during those

in-between, “negotiable” situations which frequently occur
between parents and their infants—for example, when your child
wants you to be with him at the moment you want to do some-
thing else. Should you sacrifice your moment for your baby’s
demands, or is that not realistic just then?
The answer is seldom a simple formula. Living together with
others involves understanding different points of view.
If the goal is a better relationship, a more peaceful living
together, then it helps to learn a whole new attitude, a whole new
way of understanding your infant, yourself, and the conflict of
needs.

Respecting Your Own Needs

It helps to be strongly attuned to your own inner rhythm—to
know what your needs are, and to convey this to your family so
they learn to respect your needs, too. Ongoingly sacrificing your
own needs for the child’s can create inward anger within both of
you.
If it is important that you finish reading the newspaper before
you play with your young child, then clearly convey that message.
Let her know what it is you want to do for yourself and what you
expect her to do, so that playing quietly while you read can later
grow into longer stretches of secure separateness, with both of

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you doing something independent of the other and still feeling

good about your relationship.

“Switching” to the Infant’s Point of View

Learning to “switch” to another person’s point of view can
help you as a parent and a person now and in the future. What
makes this approach difficult with infants is that the adult is the
only one who does the switching. You must be able to see and
understand both your child’s and your own “points of view.” This
is the role of the parent. Very young children cannot yet do it,
and some children never learn to see a situation through their
parents’ eyes.
I will give you an example. After spending many hours peace-
fully with your eight-month-old Ryan, you would like to visit with
your friend on the phone. Ryan, who had looked peacefully
absorbed, stops playing and starts screaming. You feel it is unfair.
Have you not just spent leisure “quality time” with him?
Now, try to switch to Ryan’s point of view. He does not have
the capacity to think, “My mommy gave me so much attention
for so long, she now needs time for herself.” All he feels is, “I
want her, and she is not here.”
Would it be good, then, for you to stop doing anything for
yourself and only consider what Ryan wants? Many “good”
mothers try to do just that, until their resentment of their babies
becomes so strong that it scares them. Resentment does not help
any relationship, least of all between parent and child.
If you switch back to your own point of view, you can tell
your son, “I know you would like me around you” (acknowledg-
ing his point of view), “but I want to talk on the phone now”
(validating your own feelings). “I’ll be back with you in twenty
minutes” (giving him hope).

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Of course, Ryan will still want you to do nothing else but be

available to him. Remind yourself that nobody can or even should
have everything they want whenever they want it. So, do not feel
sorry for him. Nor does it help to get angry with him. Learning
"to wait, not always to have your own way, is a difficult task—part
of the curriculum of early childhood. The more mature capability
of switching points of view is the task of parents. In the process,
parents learn to assess sensitively both their babies’ needs and
their own needs and how to balance them.
P's

The first time I took my son to RIE, I was struck by the

encouragement we got as parents to make sure we got our needs
met. Magda would encourage us to respect ourselves, as we re-
spected our child. Learning this has been difficult at times, since
all around us our experience is that we “should” sacrifice for our
child(ren)!
Recently at a birthday party I realized how much RIE had
really changed my life. The children had finished eating quickly
and had resumed playing, while the adults were eating lunch and
visiting with each other. Halfway through the meal my friend’s son
approached her and asked her to go with him and play the game
with the other children. Looking down at her plate, my friend (who
is very attentive to her child) tapped her fork on her salad, put it
down, got up and left the table to accompany the child to the play
area.
I stopped, started to stay something, and realized she was gone.
I was surprised at her reaction. Perhaps ifI hadn’t heard and been
encouraged so often by Magda to take care of myself also, I might
have jumped up to please my child, too. Instead, I could hear
myself saying, “I’m eating now, and you'll have to wait until Iam

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finished.” What RIE has helped me to do is “internalize” that my

basic needs are important, too. It’s okay to finish eating; it’s okay
to take my shoes off, change my clothes, and go to the bathroom
before I change that diaper. The payoff for me is that some of my
needs are met, and I can then give back to my child without
resentment or anger. My child eventually learns to respect my
needs and those of others, while learning to respect himself.

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28. Adapting to
New Developments

AS BABIES GROW and develop, they also change, and the

changes disrupt the previous status quo. Throughout the life
cycle, we go through sensitive periods during which we are more
vulnerable to certain situations than at other times. The first few
years of life are filled with continuing cycles of disequilibrium—
adaptation—harmony. For parents, it means continually adapting
to new developments.
Knowing what you can realistically expect at given stages of
your child’s development may make it a little easier to understand
the difficulties of separation and stranger anxiety, the “No! No!”
period, sudden loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, toilet training
and other times of change.
The most important thing to remember is that changes in
your child’s behavior are not “setbacks” but are simply part of her
ongoing growth and development.

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29. Separation and

Stranger Anxiety

A TIME OF EQUILIBRIUM follows the newborn stage, as

most babies begin to look plump and glowing. They start to move
and explore peacefully for extended periods and seem to learn
new skills with incredible speed all by themselves. You think
you've made it.
Then, in the latter part of the first year, your peaceful baby
may suddenly start screaming at a visitor, crying when you leave
the room, and clinging to you desperately. What did you do
wrong, you wonder?
Nothing. Baby is developing, becoming more aware of him-
self as a separate human being and of you, too, as a separate
human being. He has learned to know and recognize his parent.
He has learned that he cannot always make you magically appear
whenever he wants you. This, like many other new discoveries,
can be frightening. It is called separation anxiety. What to do
about it?
If you have followed the RIE approach from the beginning,
you have always told your baby when you left her, even when she
was just a few weeks old. (“I’ll just go to the bathroom. I’ll be
right back,” or “I’m going to the kitchen for about 20 minutes,”
or “I’m going away for a few hours and then I'll come back.
Grandpa will stay here with you.”) Now it is even more important
to inform your baby, even though you are pretty sure she will
protest.

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What makes separation difficult for your baby is that she is

always the one “left.” This may make her feel deserted and pow-
erless. To help her experience that she has some control and to
feel more powerful during separation, I suggest you create situa-
tions in which the baby is the initiator, the active problem-solver.
You could go to a park, make a “home base” by putting a blan-
ket, a basket, or diaper bag on the ground and sitting down.
Once your child feels reassured that you are staying put, she may
move away from you a little, then come back, then go off again—
exercising her ability to separate from you.

Stranger Anxiety
During this period, your baby may also display “stranger
anxiety” —a fear of others (even people she has known before,
such as a relative who visits once in a while) or of new places,
new situations, etc. She may seem distressed when “well-mean-
ing” people come too close, pat or touch her. If this happens,
simply say to the person, “Please don’t move too close. Just wait;
my daughter does not know you and may be afraid of you.”

A Vulnerable Time
Interestingly, it often happens at the peak of the child’s sepa-
ration anxiety that even the most devoted parents feel like getting
away from their child. This is understandable because at this time
children are more fussy and clingy. While I understand the par-
ents’ needs, | still suggest that they postpone their vacation plans
until the child feels more secure. This is a most vulnerable time
and is not a good period for parents to leave; it would only rein-
force these fears.
It is not easy for parents to go through their children’s emo-
tional stages of attachment and separation anxiety. But while all

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young children go through these difficult times, it is much easier

for those infants who have had the opportunity to explore their
own play area freely, both with and without anybody in it. (An-
other argument for that safe space! See, Time Apart: A Space for
Your Baby, page 15)

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30. Sharing
and Conflicts

Ipercte A CHILD CAN learn to share, she needs to go

through certain stages of development.
In the beginning an infant perceives herself not as separate,
but as part of the world she feels, touches, tastes, sees, and hears.
Slowly an awareness emerges that there is a separate world
outside, that there is a “me” and a “non-me.” Later she realizes
that there are differences in people, there is a “Mommy” and a
“not Mommy,” and there are familiar and non-familiar people
and objects. At this stage, when a child holds or even just wants
an object, in her mind it is “hers.” The child does not yet have the
concept of ownership.
Sharing is based on the knowledge of ownership and use.
The owner lets someone else use an object with the knowledge
that it will be returned later. But the infant has no concept of
time. Only “now” exists. Even two minutes may seem like for-
ever. We cannot expect a young child to perceive what sharing
means.
If we expect behavior from our young children that they are
not ready for or do not understand, then even if they do what we
ask, it will be done because they feel parental pressure, a desire
for parental approval, or out of fear of punishment.
Personality characteristics such as generosity, empathy,
caring and sharing cannot be taught—but they can be learned
through experience. Growing up in a family where parents share

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not only objects, but also time and attention, will help an infant
to develop these personality traits later.

Dealing with Conflicts

There are certain behaviors that we can expect of our chil-
dren. If your child is hurting another child, for example, you
should be firm. You are in charge, and you cannot allow any child
to hurt another.
With young infants, who are exploring by mouthing or pulling
hair or trying to touch eyes, I just do a little bit of gentle monitor-
ing: “Yes, you can touch, but touch easy—and not the eye.” I
give the message of gentleness or easiness.
Later, when it is much more volitional, I say, “No, I don’t
want you to do that,” very simply.
With a group of toddlers (up to six—more than this will
make a crowd who cannot be expected to enjoy each other’s
company), it helps to have several of the same toys available. Of
course, a child will always want the truck that the other child is
playing with because it is moving, it is “alive.”
If you see a conflict developing, you can do the following:
e@ First, move peacefully, stay close, and wait patiently.
The children may be able to handle it themselves. If
the children are struggling without harming each
other, it is good practice for them and they should be
allowed to continue.
e You could then state the conflict in a non-judgmental
way, by making a comment such as, “Both you,
Andrea, and you, Jason, want the same truck.” This
helps calm the children by letting them know that you
understand and empathize with their situation.
e If they are still in conflict, you may look around the

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room and ask the children if they see another toy they
would like to play with. (Picking it up and playing
with the toy yourself may make it attractive to the
toddler.)
e If the conflict continues, you may choose to inter-
vene. You might put away the toy in question. In
other words, you facilitate peace and quiet, handle the
conflict, and resolve the situation instead of letting
the children continue to struggle.
Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount
of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect
and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out
conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring
in their version of what is right, the children learn either to de-
pend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve,
the more they do learn to solve.
Pf
Magda has always said, “When we make a child share, it is
not sharing.” This is a difficult concept for most of us, and yet I
have found that when I have given the children a choice to share
or not to share, with no repercussions, their inner-directed
responses tend to be far more generous and giving.
Rs

It’s very difficult to watch children tug at a toy, scream and

struggle—without intervening. Yet as I did so, I was surprised to
see how quickly these conflicts blew over. The children worked
through it and soon were busy doing something else. They had a
chance to feel and express their real feelings, learn to experience
the consequences in the real world, and move on.

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31. Biting

C HILDREN WHO BITE ARE problems for many families and

real trouble in group settings.
Our reactions and remediation would be different depending
on the age of the child, the frequency of the biting, the situation
in which it occurs and the basic well-being and mood of the child
(whether the child seems reasonably happy, or irritable much of
the time).

Younger Infants
The problem usually begins when the peacefully nursing
mother first gets bitten by her suckling infant. A surprised “ouch”
and withdrawal of the breast lets the baby know that she does not
like to be bitten.
Infants first bite because biting comes naturally, because their
gums are itchy and their teeth are coming in.
Like mouthing, biting is instinctual. Erik Erikson describes
it as the oral-aggressive phase of infancy. Because it is instinctual,
adults respond to it with more anger, anxiety and vengeance than
to other aggressive acts. Outbursts such as “I’ll bite you back so
you'll feel how it hurts” or “Don’t you bite ever again!” are com-
mon. The absurdity of the demand, “Don’t you bite ever again!”
was terrifyingly illustrated by a little autistic child who indeed
stopped biting altogether and changed his normal eating habits
into swallowing only pureed food.

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Toddlers
While in early infancy biting is rather exploratory, toddlers
bite when frustrated, angry or tired. Young children want what
they want right away with no delay. This is the very nature of
childhood. Waiting can be too upsetting. With this type of biting,
I say, firmly, “No,” and “I don’t want you to bite, and I won’t let
you bite.”
Sometimes frustration builds up over a period of time. Young
children may become irritable because their basic needs are not
met properly. Too much stimulation or poor timing may interfere
with their biological rhythm, preventing them from sleeping when
sleepy or eating when hungry. Parents may have difficulty coordi-
nating their own activities to provide a predictable environment
for the baby. If a child shows other signs of frustration, |would
look at his daily life to discover the source of his overall malad-
justment and change it.

Chronic Biting
If I have to deal with a child who often bites and who intimi-
dates other children, I must use sensitive but strong strategy. Not
only are the other children afraid of the biter, the biter may be
even more afraid of his own potential power to harm. Both “vic-
tim” and “aggressor” need to feel that the adult is in charge and
can protect them.
Years ago at RIE there was a two-year-old child who was
notorious for biting. His mother was desperate. She said that as
soon as the children saw her son, Andy, on the playground, they
ran away from him.
Andy and four other children came once a week for two
hours to our infant program. When I first saw Andy bite, I told
him calmly but firmly, “I will not let you bite any child or big

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person. If you feel like biting, here are things (teething rings,
rubber or plastic objects, etc.) you can bite.”
From then on I watched him very closely in order to predict
what would trigger his desire to bite so that I could prevent him
from doing it. When I sensed he was getting out of control, I
would hold him firmly but not punitively, telling him that I would
not let him bite. (I think that this allowed him to learn to trust
me). He eventually relaxed and I let go of him.
At times Andy playfully chewed on a plastic donut, part of a
stacking toy. Once Andy got upset and started to run. Lo and
behold, another child inadvertently crossed his path. This was too
much for Andy, and he bit her. I said to Andy, “I saw you wanted
to get your ring, but it was too far and Tammy got in your way.
How about attaching your ring to your shirt, so you will have it
right there when you need it?” Andy was so proud of his own
biting ring that all the other children asked to have one, too. This
lasted for a little while and was the end of any biting in that
group.
This anecdote is an account of one way of dealing with a
problem. However, this should not be used as a “what to do”
solution, but rather as how to apply the basic principle of working
on problems with nature, not against it.

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32. Toddlers

| Soprieeas IS A TIME of constant struggle.

For the child, it is a period of strong ambivalence. He is filled
with turmoil and overwhelming opposite feelings. No suggestion
you give will be right, because a toddler has opposing inner needs
of his own. He needs to feel dependent and independent, big and
little, strong and weak. At various times, the toddler feels om-
nipotent and helpless.
As a child becomes upright and starts to toddle, as he begins
to understand language, the sense of security he achieved during
his first year or so of life is shattered. He is able to sense more
and more about the human condition, about reality. As he begins
to acquire language, he becomes able to communicate his needs.
No longer is he the dependent, cuddly baby who elicits compas-
sion, love and caring. Instead he is an explorer. He must find out
who he is and how much power he has.
Toddlers have an exuberant feeling about themselves but they
don’t yet have the judgment about what they really can and
cannot do. They are also afraid of their own power, so at this
stage they need freedom, but guidance—lots of guidance.
Once you understand the importance and magnitude of your
child’s struggle, your attitude can begin to support his rapid
physical and emotional growth.
It is difficult to live with a toddler with focus and empathy.
The toddler is a terrible, terrific, tiresome, true, torn human
being. There are times when he believes he owns the world; and

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at other times, he believes all the world is his enemy.

You need enormous amounts of energy, patience, and com-
passion.
You must try to learn what is the optimal distance to keep
from him while he is exploring. You can learn to function as an
island of security in the sea of confusion and anxiety.
You may be able to communicate a feeling of security to your
child if you yourself can inwardly believe that this crucial period
is really very short, even though it seems to last forever.
And most of all, you need humor.
To live with a toddler can, in a funny way, be therapeutic. All
the human anxieties—of feeling good and bad, loved and
abandoned—peak. It is like a ritual of passage in the journey as
a family. If this passage from babyhood to “pre-schoolness” was
difficult for you as a child, it may be difficult for you to go
through again. Eventually in our journey as parents, we may have
to explore the scary things of our own childhood. We may try to
avoid this opportunity or view it as therapeutic.

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33. Toilet Training

Rania TRAINING IS a natural process. All normal people

learn it. Different societies have different methods, but the
important thing is readiness.
The reality is that once a child is ready and decides to use the
toilet, he knows how to do it. It is unnecessary to teach, practice,
or exercise the little techniques often suggested to parents.
Children gradually learn what they need to know if parents
encourage cooperation whenever they care for their children. If
diapering has been a pleasurable experience, a true dialogue
between parent and child—f caregivers give full attention during
these times—there may be no need for special training.
Exuberant praise, rewards, bribes, and reprimands are not
only unnecessary, but manipulative. Psychologically, they can
deprive a child of making this important step towards autonomy
of his own volition.
In order to convey my concerns, I want to emphasize how
much more is involved in learning to use the toilet than just
getting urine and feces into the toilet.
Such learning happens as a result of a healthy, normal child,
living in an average accepting, caring family. As part of his natu-
ral development the child wants to be like, and act like, his par-
ents. The child has to be ready physically (have the capacity of
the bladder to hold more fluid, better muscle control), cognitively
(be fully aware of what he is expected to do), and emotionally (be
ready and willing to give up a comfortable situation, such as just

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letting out urine and feces in diapers whenever it happens

naturally).
For the child, it means that he has to delay and control a
natural urge; to give away something that he may believe is still
part of his body, and therefore valuable; and to conform to an
adult-designed and timed routine. This may be a time of inner
conflict.
Endless volumes have been written on toilet training. Without
going into more detail on this huge subject, I will mention some
of the struggles of early childhood which have an effect through-
out our life:
@ dependence or independence and autonomy,
e taking or giving,
e@ holding on or letting go,
@ progression (wanting to grow up) or regression
(wanting to stay a baby).
Though these are lifelong struggles, they seem to be crucial
during this stage of development.
Dear parent, trust your child.
Remember the importance of every experience in the long
process of learning.

om:
For my youngest, diaper changing, bathing, feeding and dress-
ing were special times. There was no struggle over toilet training.
Between two and two-and-a-half, she decided she was ready and
trained herself. I gave her the choice of using the adult toilet with
a step stool or a potty chair.

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ee

My son’s biggest recent accomplishment is his new toileting

ability. At age three-and-a-half, he decided to learn to use the
toilet and, within a week, he had mastered both toileting skills by
himself. He still “announces” his use of the facilities but is very
competent at this skill.

SF
Our daughter has been using the toilet competently for some
time now with no “training” whatsoever. We just got her a child’s
toilet (one small enough for her feet to touch the floor) long before
she was ready to use it, and told her that this was her own toilet
to use when she wanted. A long time passed before she even
attempted to use it, and it was several more months before she had
completed all the stages of her toilet training. But the point is, it
was left to her own timing.

Although these examples make it sound awfully easy, you can

also expect “tough” situations.
net
My son, age three, watched during the day as his nine-month-
old little sister was the center of attention with her newfound
abilities to wave bye-bye and clap. Although toilet trained, he went
behind the draperies at the end of the day and pooped in his pants,
as if to say “See what | can do.”

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34. Parent
Support Groups

yee MAY NEED OTHERS with whom they can

commiserate on the fears and share the joys and hopes, the ups
-and downs of parenthood and infancy. That is one reason I
suggest that parents give themselves plenty of opportunities to get
together with other parents.
Not only does it feel comforting to know that you are not
alone, but parents can help each other in many practical ways,
beyond sharing ideas and information. Parents need to have some
time away from their infants, but with the reassurance that their
children are well cared-for.
A regularly scheduled small group allows parents to observe
the behavior and development of infants and also to obser ve other
parents with their babies. Seeing the differences and similarities
in personalities and parenting styles can give a broader perspec-
tive to one’s own parenting.
Children, too, will look forward to regularly repeated meet-
ings with the same children. They learn to interact with other
infants and to accept and trust a few other carers besides their
own parents. Slowly this prepares them to grow into the wider
world of child care, preschool, etc.
It takes time, effort, and dedication to initiate and carry
through such a program: to find parents who are compatible,
with children of similar age range; to collect appropriate play
equipment; to choose and childproof a space (it gives the infants

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more predictability to meet at the same location and to find

objects in the same place each time); to decide how often and
how many hours per week the group should meet (possibly two
hours per week for infants, increasing slowly up to three or more
for toddlers). Participating parents could alternate responsibility
for being in charge of the group (while the others stay to observe,
help, or eventually leave) and could also meet in the evening
without the children to evaluate and discuss the program.
With regular attendance and participation, there is no end to
the benefits a well-organized support group can provide.

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35. Decisions, Decisions

(on Working)

iY pee MOTHERS AND FATHERS work full-time after

their babies are born and feel they must, for economic or
psychological or many other reasons. Quite often when people
say “I have to...,” however, it really means “I want to....” It is not
always easy to take a stand and do what you really want to do—
and then admit it.
Parents who enjoy their outside jobs may come home much
more refreshed, more ready for being with their child. Parents
need self-time, just as a child needs self-time.
Parents who choose to be at home full-time also need time
away from their children. Even if it is a single, quiet, private hour
a day, a parent must not stifle his or her individuality for the
children. But I also do not want these same parents to feel that
they must get out, must work, must do something else other than
what many of them really want to do the most: that is, staying
home and parenting full-time. | still recommend, if it is economi-
cally feasible, for at least one of the parents to wait those first few
years before going out into the world on a full-time basis. Sure,
it is a sacrifice—financially, even creatively—but there is time,
so much time later. You must ask yourself, “What would really
happen if I didn’t work right now...? or if | worked fewer
hours...?”
Please consider that never in his or her life will your child
develop and change so rapidly—every day can bring a new little

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miracle. If at all possible, do not miss it! And if you want to work,
try to find part-time work. Although a whole day with a baby may
seem long sometimes, in retrospect parents often feel that the
first two or so years “just flew away.”
The RIE approach can help avoid some of the frustrations of
the “ongoingness” of parenting by structuring life so that both
you and your baby can enjoy times of togetherness as well as
separateness while your baby independently explores her environ-
ment. You do not need to become a slave to your child. Then by
the time the child learns to communicate with language, she will
be more ready to tolerate other caregivers in your absence if you
choose later to return to other gratifying work of your own.

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36. Infant Care

Alternatives

S INGLE PARENTS, AND PARENTS who are both working,

must ask themselves what sort of care situation would be
satisfying to both them and their infant. Parents who know that
they have provided the best, most loving solution will feel positive
about their choice. I believe that, if you want something strongly
enough, you will find it.

One Caregiver
I would like for those parents who cannot be with their child
to find one caregiver with whom they feel confident and comfort-
able and pay that person to take care of their child. Hopefully,
this helper would feel a commitment and take great interest in
the job, since it would involve the most important profession that
exists. The helper’s ongoing sensitive responses to the infant’s
small signals build mutual trust and confidence.

Child Care Centers

Some child care centers are very good, but few are very good
for children under two years of age. Though state and federal
regulations have been established, even when met, they do not
currently insure that the needs of infants are met, too.
In my consulting work with a great variety of centers, I have
found that, while the people in charge are usually well-meaning,
child-loving people wanting to do a decent job, this rarely is

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possible for many reasons.

Even nationwide, too few centers have a consistent philoso-
phy and methodology to serve as good models for other infant
care centers; and comprehensive ongoing staff training is not
widely available.’ Most often, salaries and morale are low, with
high staff turnover rates. Infants must constantly adjust to chang-
ing people and their different approaches. Spaces are often
inadequate (rooms too large, or too small, without direct access
to safe outdoor areas; not enough natural light).
It is almost impossible to give infants a peaceful environment
because too many people are coming and going, there is too
much noise, there is too much artificial light, there is too much
everything.

Toward Another Solution

Some parents consider taking their child with them to work;
and the idea of accomplishing paid, productive work while pro-
viding tender, loving care is enticing. Yet the reality is that few,
if any, work places have the appropriate environments for grow-
ing infants and even fewer for toddlers. In my mind this is a
typical neither-nor situation: the parent can pay full attention
neither to her child nor to her work. As a result, the child, the
parent, and the employer all are shortchanged.
What may be a better solution is some type of on-site care
facility in which parents could spend a certain amount of time

Since this was written, RIE has become actively involved in improving
infant care in. groups by offering professional training as well as an
accreditation process and consultation for centers. (See, About RIE,
page 191, and an example of the application of the approach in a RIE
center, page 193-201, and a family day care home, page 203-211.)

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feeding, caring for and just being with their infants at different
times during their working day. Each room would be set up for
a few infants (not more than four) with a well-trained infant
caregiver. This would have many of the benefits of a child care
center without some of the typical drawbacks (e.g., having too
many infants in a group and having infants separated from their
parents for long hours at a time). It could be within or not far
from the work place. It could follow RIE’s recommendation for
creating safe environments with minimal furniture, such as cribs
and a diapering table; and simple play materials, such as un-
breakable containers, bowls, crates, and balls. Parents could
collect the equipment; or it could be more extensively supported
by the employer, such as covering overhead expenses and the
salary of each infant care worker.
Knowing that their children are in a child-oriented environ-
ment with a reliable person, and being able to visit their children
several times a day, gives parents peace of mind. Rather than
feeling guilty for not being with their children, or guilty for not
concentrating fully on their work, parents with such an arrange-
ment may produce even better work and derive more satisfaction
from it.

Evaluating a Care Situation for Your Infant

What should parents look for or demand of a good care
situation? One approach is to ask yourself: If I were the infant,
would I like to be here?
@ Does the environment allow me to be able to do
everything that I naturally would do?
e Are there opportunities for me to anticipate what will
happen next?

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Is there a large enough and absolutely safe space in

which I can move freely?
Is there a selection of safe and appropriate objects
from which I can choose?
Am I given time to play without interruption?
Can I do what is expected of me?
If I cry, do I know the person® who will respond?
If I am tired, do I have a peaceful place to sleep?
Does my caregiver observe closely in order to under-
stand my needs?
Am I given time to work out my own conflicts as
much as possible?
Does my caregiver give me full attention while caring
for me?
Will my caregiver stay with me when I am a toddler?
Are my parents welcome to visit me at any time?

Since the time of my work with Dr. Pikler in the 1940’s, I have believed
that an infant needs an intimate, stable relationship with few people. If
infants must be in group care, I advocate having a small group of
infants with one primary ongoing caregiver.

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37. Fads and Trends in

Child Rearing
(What Is the Rush?)

| 33 SINCE THE EXISTENCE of humans we have been

raising children. Are we getting any better at it? Thousands of
books have been written. Have they helped? More and more
“experts” teach a garden variety of methods. Do they work? I
sometimes wonder whether this overload of information does not
create more confusion than understanding.
The pendulum of child-rearing practices swings back and
forth. Fads come and go quickly. We must be persistent if we
want to help parents see the difference between what is universal
and what is a changing fad in child rearing, so that more infants
may grow up into authentic children and adults.
We should not be too gullible about anything “new.” On the
contrary, we should evaluate every “new and improved” theory
and gimmick using logical reasoning. You always have a few
people who have crazy ideas.

Infant “Stimulation”
Stimulation to me means interruption. I believe what infants
are doing is very important, and we should try to schedule daily
life so there are hardly any interruptions in the daily routine of
sleeping, eating and free exploration. What upsets me the most
are the many messages parents get that young infants need more

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stimulation—e.g., that a six-month-old benefits from shopping

at a supermarket, or a nine-month-old learns from watching
children’s television, or a 10-month-old wants to go to activity
classes.
What a sad and unsuccessful “make believe” parents de-
velop—they learn to expect and see what they want to see, rather
than the reality. Why do parents not relax, observe, and enjoy
what their infant is capable of doing; why do so many choose to
worry and work hard to try to make them do what they are not
capable of?

Too Much, Too Early

Many parents, teachers, physicians and other professionals
spend time and energy trying to speed up development, to force
children to do what they cannot do, or to teach what they are not
yet capable of. How sad. Nobody gains except the many who take
money by manufacturing gadgets which supposedly speed up the
natural developmental process.
While some people may respond to the voice of reason and
begin to question what is really best for their infants, I fear many
more will be lured by multi-colored parachutes and flash cards
of painters and brain parts. As a result, more and more babies will
be tossed up in the air, taught irrelevant information, treated like
objects, and fed data like computers. It is like force feeding the
child with food he or she cannot digest.
Parents may try so hard to “teach” their children that they do
not realize just what the children are learning from them. When
infants do not understand what is being asked of them, all they _
learn is to respond to their parents’ cues, however unintentional
they may be—facial expression, tone of voice, subtle gestures.
Infants learn to perform, like elephants in the circus—not

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 Fads and Trends in Child Rearing (What Is the Rush?)

appreciated for just being themselves, but for doing tricks.

Why is it so difficult to accept the importance of readiness?
Normally developing young children do what they can do; they
do not withhold. Parents who expect their children to perform on
a level the child has not yet reached are creating failure and
disappointment for both their children and themselves.
: Don’t people realize how it possibly affects young infants,
when what they can do is not appreciated but what they cannot
do is expected? What a sad and confusing experience it must be
to grow up never living up to your parents’ expectations. And
how frustrating it must be for parents not to be able to enjoy what
their child is actually doing. It seems to me everybody is losing.
Wouldn’t life be easier for both parents and infants if parents
would observe, relax and enjoy what their young child is doing,
rather than keep teaching what the child is not yet capable of?
Parents may not realize the high price they may have to pay
for their ambitious endeavors to speed up infancy and interfere
with natural growth. They may never connect early stressful
training with problems frequently encountered later on: from
sleeping and eating disorders to nervous and self-destructive
behaviors (hair-pulling, nail-biting, stuttering, nervous tics, or
anorexia); from disinterested, bored and unmotivated students
to early school dropouts and drug abusers. While the effect of any
environment is dependent on the child’s personality, vulnerability
and resilience, some of these children may need intensive psycho-
therapy at some point. But I have yet to hear of a single case in
which a person (coming from loving parents and an average,
responsive environment) sought therapy because he or she had
not been taught enough during infancy.
If we think of the fact that a healthy, normal child learns to
walk, to talk, to understand and communicate in three years, we

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could truly call these the miraculous years. The rest of the time,
children expand on this basic knowledge. Why would anybody
try to interfere with this perfect early development?

What Is the Rush?

Infants throughout the centuries have always been the most
powerless of humans and have been forced to accept roles im-
posed upon them. Our “instant” society likes to produce “in-
stant” know-it-alls. Parents compete with each other over whose
child achieves first and faster... reading, numbers, acrobatics, etc.
Unfortunately, the tendency of our time for the last decades
has changed from the concept of readiness to “the earlier, the
better.” Too many “experts” put pressure on parents to try to
teach their infants earlier and earlier.
What is the rush? Isn’t the life span getting longer and lon-
ger? Don’t we have more time than ever to learn leisurely, being
guided by our own interest and readiness?
Time and time again I have asked parents, “How old were
you when you learned to sit?” So far nobody could remember.
What is the benefit of early sitting? Why are so many people
hooked on concepts such as “sooner is better”? Since our life
span is getting longer—why not slow down? Why are concepts
such as readiness and motivation hardly mentioned?
Why is earlier better? Why spend money and energy in want-
ing to do the impossible? Who gains? Well, all the people and
organizations who make money by selling gadgets, equipment,
“educational” toys, books, classes, etc. to insecure, anxious
parents,
Infants do not need anxious parents or gadgets. They need
time, time to develop according to their inner biological schedule.
You know, we live in a very speeded-up society. You have to

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do this, you have to get here, you have to drive there, there’s
always rush, rush, rush and have to, have to. And many times
what we do takes more time, more energy, more money, more
everything, so it does not make it easier. What price do our
children pay for our doing to them so many things that they really
do not need? Why do we do it?
I have spent my adult life trying to figure out why parents and
society put themselves into a race—what is the hurry? I keep
trying to convey the pleasure every parent and teacher could feel
while observing, appreciating and enjoying what the infant is
doing. This attitude would change our educational climate from
worry to joy. Can anybody argue about the benefits for a child
who is appreciated and enjoyed for what she can do and does
naturally? Try to realize how confusing it must feel to a young
infant who is pulled up into a sitting position, propped with
pillows and thus made immobile and insecure. Too early, too
much, too fast means developmentally inappropriate.
If we could observe and see infants as completely competent
for the stage at which they are, we would learn from and about
them rather than teach them. Being around infants should remind
us how to be “real,” “genuine,” “authentic.”
” 6¢

What infants need is the opportunity and time to take in and

figure out the world around them.
I believe this issue is so basic, so important, that it cannot be
overstated.

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38. Absolutely Safe!

OR: THING THAT IS A BATTLE for me in the United

States, and I cannot say I am winning it, is to have a physically
safe environment for infants and children.
At different cities throughout my travels, I feel encouraged
and pleased when I learn how many people know about RIE. And
it is interesting for me to sort out what information our RIE
parents accept more easily than others. I continue to be surprised
that a very important part of our teaching is neither heard, under-
stood nor followed. It is safety.
I consider safety the prerequisite for implementing the RIE
approach. By safety I mean an environment which is so totally
safe that, even without any adult supervision, the infant or toddler
would be totally safe.
Why is it so difficult for parents to create such a safe place?
Parents sometimes casually tell me that they never leave the
baby alone: “Well, I do not have a totally safe place for the baby
to leave him alone.” To my question, “Not even to go to the
bathroom?” they reply, “I do take him with me” or “While I take
a shower I put her in a walker or swing to keep her out of trou-
ble.” This is doubly stressful: the child is left by the parent and
prevented from moving freely and safely. Why is it so difficult to
convince parents that a safe room with gates at all doors not only
frees the infant but the parent as well?
Whenever | am invited to a place where there is a child, |
almost always find something that is physically unsafe. And I

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almost always get the same answer when I ask questions: “Noth-
ing has ever happened.” And I say, “Something could happen in
another five minutes or perhaps tomorrow.” When I visit infant
care facilities and find something unsafe, the people in charge
say, “The children never go there.” My answer is always, “Not
yet..
No matter how often I hear it, it still scares me when people
reassure me that they never leave children unattended. This, of
course, is not possible.
Having a totally safe place is a must. It is a foundation on
which the rest of the RIE approach is built.

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39. Equipment: What

Is Really Necessary?

S OMETIMES, WITHOUT REALIZING, parents interfere

with an infant’s mobility or problem-solving ability by using
equipment which some people think babies need.
At RIE we try to give parents strength not to fall victim to the
incredible bombardment of sales pitches, free gifts, brochures,
etc., for all those wonderful-sounding gadgets that are touted as
keeping your baby happy and content while stimulating her and
accelerating her intelligence.

Recommendations
In order for infants and parents to live peacefully together,
no special products are needed except for one: gates for all the
doors to the infant room. I encourage even expectant parents to
think of gates! (See, Time Apart: A Space for Your Baby, page 15)
In starting out with your baby, there are, of course, other
items you will find helpful. Buy a bassinet or small crib, a diaper-
ing table, a chest of drawers, a small bathtub and an approved car
safety seat. (For newborns up to 17 pounds, there is one
bassinet-type car seat in which the infant can lie flat, which many
of our RIE parents and I prefer.)
Simple objects that infants can manipulate in many ways, not
needing adult help or supervision, are the best toys and learning
tools (See, Choosing Play Objects, page 97). A duplicate crib and
playpen for outdoors are excellent investments. (See, Outdoor

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Living, page 103) We also recommend a low chair and table for
eating when your toddler can sit up on his own. (See, Feeding,
page 83)

What Not to Buy

What you do not need are bouncers, swings, walkers, high
chairs and other restrictive devices.
At RIE we believe that the infant should be able to move and
explore freely, to choose and change his own body position, to
come and go as he wants—within the safe and challenging envi-
ronment we create. We recommend that you do not put a baby
into a position which he cannot get into by himself. (See, At Their
Own Time, and In Their Own Way, page 53)
People have the illusion that walkers help children learn to
walk. But in order to walk, you have to do two things: one, you
have to be able to support your weight, which you do not do ina
walker; and two, you have to learn to balance on one foot. And if
you cannot do these, then you cannot walk.
A walker is like a moving prison that prevents babies from
doing what they would naturally be doing. Everything they do
naturally while moving on the floor prepares them to walk. Babies
need to go through many stages before they walk; they do not
need to be taught. Infants who have learned each stage of the
process of walking naturally do not hurt themselves badly when
they fall.
Some people say they put babies in walkers so they will be
“safe,” but babies can get into accidents in walkers. Some people
put babies in walkers or swings so the babies will be “happy,” but
instead the babies just “tune out,” and this “solution” is only easier
for the adults because the babies do not cry.
I would also discourage you from propping your baby in an

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infant seat, except if you need to put the baby into the shopping
cart in the supermarket. (A better solution, however, is not to take
the baby with you.)
If you have to go somewhere, baby carriers are preferable to
‘strollers which do not support infants’ backs. Use them for your
convenience and for as short a time as possible. (See, Holding,
page 45)
Infants also do not need those “new and better” toys for which
there are so many commercial pressures. Expensive, complex toys
designed to be used certain ways rarely give children opportunities
to explore and use them in their own way. Toys designed to enter-
tain create passive onlookers, future television addicts, rather than
curious, actively learning children. Think of the children who are
lost and bored unless entertained and who keep asking, “What
shall I do now?”
Rattles are an adult idea: you pick up something, and it makes
noise. Why does it make noise? Because some adult put some-
thing into something. Mobiles are intrusive—the infant has no
choice. Who chose the mobile? An adult.
Infants do not need additional visual stimulation and entertain-
ment at an age when they are newly out of the womb and already
exposed to a bombardment of stimulation. It can take them
months to figure out the crib, how you can poke a finger out here
and not there. The world is full of things for babies to figure out.
We interfere with their learning experiences by providing artificial
things.
Pa

The idea of daily walks appealed to us, and we purchased an

English perambulator (buggy). Though it was one of our more
expensive investments, it has served us well in all types of weather

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for nearly two years. Ifelt it was the most comfortable way for a
young infant to travel, as she could be asleep or awake, stretch
out, and seek shelter from the elements. The pram allowed Erin
to be nearer the adult level [than in an “umbrella” stroller] and
facing me so that we could converse with one another. This pram
also came with a fold-up back rest, useful when Erin was at the
sitting-up stage, with a belt around her middle to prevent her from
falling out. We used the pram nearly every day for the first eigh-
teen months and a few more times until nearly age two, when
Erin enjoyed being more independent on our walks.

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40. Wishes
for the Future

theta A VISION of a “gentler, kinder” world and believe that

there are always “islands” of peace, empathy and gentleness even
in Our increasingly frantic environment. I want to share with you
my special wishes for the future.

Wishes for Infants and Toddlers

I wish children could grow according to their natural pace:
sleep when sleepy, wake up when rested, eat when hungry, cry
when upset, express feelings, play and explore without being
unnecessarily interrupted; in other words, be allowed to grow and
blossom as each was meant to.
I wish infants would not have to perform for their parents, not
be sat up when only ready for rolling, not be assisted to walk when
only ready for crawling. A child can be pushed to do these things
but physiologically may not be really ready. In our culture we push
to attain these states faster than they are naturally reached.
I wish children would not have to reassure parents of their
effectiveness, i.e., smile when frustrated, clap hands when sleepy.
I wish children did not have to cope with a parental attitude that
says, “If my child smiles at me, this shows I am a good parent.”
I wish children did not have to be ping-pong balls between
parents. I wish children did not have to be experimental subjects
for toy manufacturers, cereal makers, new fads or theories in child
care.

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Wishes for Parents

I wish parents would feel secure, but not rigid. I wish they
would be accepting, but set limits; be available, but not intruding.
I wish parents would be patient, but “true to thine own self.”
I wish parents could arrive at a balance between giving quality time
to their children and to themselves. I wish parents could achieve
a state of self-respect and give equal respect to their children. |
wish parents could resist new fads and the many pressures to buy
elaborate and expensive products which babies do not need.
I wish we could eliminate old assumptions about fatherhood,
i.e., that being warm and gentle is not “manly” or that fathers are
expected to be tough—to throw infants into the air, or blow
cigarette smoke in their faces (yes, | have seen this done “play-
fully”). Rough-housing not only scares babies, it may even cause
brain damage. Playful activities should not be forced by the par-
ent. I would like fathers not to be afraid to be themselves, to know
that they can be tender and soothing and quiet and still be
“manly.”
How I welcome the realization among more and more fathers
that the human relationship with their infants can be gratifying and
rewarding.

Wishes for Families

I wish doctors had enough time to be able to observe how a
baby is moving naturally, to share these observations with parents,
and to point out to the parents how competent the baby is at any
stage of development. This might help the parents to observe and
appreciate what the child is capable of doing and to stop worrying
and pushing toward the next milestone, for which the baby may
not yet be ready.
I wish caregivers could be fully observant and really know what

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goes on with infants: how they react, when to intervene and when
not to intervene.
We need to make the care of infants and toddlers as consistent
as it can be, with as much continuity of caregivers as possible. I
wish babies and their parents did not have to be separated so
much. Infants always need to believe that they are loved because
of who they are. We need sensitive caregivers who can communi-
cate that.
| would like the people who work with infants to be appreci-
ated and well paid—not overpaid, because it should not be done
by people who do it for the money. Educaring should be done by
very capable people who also make a decent living.
And do you know what I wish above all else? That we each
don’t lose sight of laughter—that through all of the pain we might
see and feel around us, we maintain our sense of humor. People
who take life too seriously are terrible to live with!

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 Speaking Out on Basic Issues

41. On Loving

For YEARS AND YEARS when talking to groups of parents,

I asked them, “What do infants need beyond food, rest, warmth,
hygiene, etc.?” The answer was unanimously, “Love.” But what
is love?
Rather than trying to explain or analyze “love” theoretically,
I will share with you from my own experiences how it feels to be
loved and how it feels to love. It makes me feel good, it opens me
up, it gives me strength. I feel less vulnerable, lonely, helpless,
confused. I feel more honest, more rich. It fills me with hope,
trust, creative energy. It refuels me and prepares me to face life.
How do I perceive the other person who gives me these feel-
ings? I see him or her as honest, as one who sees and accepts me
for what I really am, who responds to me objectively without being
too critical. I respect his authenticity and values and he respects
mine. He is one who is available when needed, who listens and
hears, who looks and sees me, who genuinely shares himself. In
short, I perceive one who loves me, who gives me these feelings,
as one who cares.
In no other loving connection is “caring” as crucial as in the
parent/infant relationship. This relationship is, at first, one-sided.
It is the parent who is the giver; the child slowly learns to give.
There are many definitions of love. |recommend that parents
read The Art of Loving by Eric Fromm, who defines love as caring,
respecting, assuming responsibility for and acquiring knowledge
about the other person. If love is defined in this way, harmful acts
are not attributed to “love.” (In Shakespeare’s “Othello,”

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Desdemona is killed by her husband, with the thought, “I kill you

and keep loving you.” Is this true love?)

Demonstrating Love
To care is to put love into action. The way we care for our
babies is then how they experience our love.
How and when do you pick up your baby? For instance,
when you are in a hurry, do you pick him up without warning or
plop him down abruptly? Are you responding to the baby’s needs
or to your own?
When do you smile at your baby? If your infant could
express the bewilderment she feels when looking at her mother’s
smiling face while being propped in an uncomfortable position, it
might sound like, “Mommy, why do you smile at me when I feel
so uncomfortable?”
How do you talk to your infant? Do you tell him “I love
you” just when you are at the end of your tolerance, when what
you really feel is “I wish I never had a baby”? When what you say
is inconsistent with what you feel, your baby receives a double
message. Rather than feeling reassured of your love, instead he
feels confused.
When do you choose to hug and kiss your infant? |s it
when you come home from a party and look at your peacefully
sleeping child that you start touching and kissing her and wake her
up? Although an “act of love,” this was serving your needs, not
the baby’s.
Do you tolerate your child’s crying? It seems so much easier
to do something about crying: to pick up, move around, take for
a ride, pat, bounce. When the baby cries, the first step should be
to try to determine why he cries, rather than to try to stop the
crying. When you have eliminated hunger and the other standard

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discomforts and the baby is still crying, that is the time to tolerate
crying, even to respect the infant’s right to cry. You might want
to say, “I am here to help you, but I do not know what you need.
Try to tell me.” If that is what you feel, share it; this is the begin-
ning of communication.
How do you set limits and restrain your infant or toddler?
Some parents are afraid that setting limits or disagreeing with a
child will be perceived as unloving. Yet sometimes setting a limit
is in the best interest of the infant or toddler and is therefore an
act of love. Even though the child may be protesting, you know
that what you are doing is for the child’s sake. The most obvious
example is the baby’s car seat: even when she objects to being
strapped into it, you continue with the task because you know that
it keeps her safe.
Do you allow your baby to experience some frustration?
It is difficult for parents to learn that they cannot spare their
children from all pain and frustration. Yet the best way anybody
can develop tolerance for frustration is by experiencing and di-
rectly dealing with it in small, manageable amounts.
In what ways do you allow your infant to explore freely
and to make choices? Some ways of showing love may prevent
an infant from making choices or engaging in exploration. For
instance, do you hold your baby in your lap in such a way that he
can leave when he indicates he is ready, or do you hold on to him?
Holding a child may keep the child back from free exploration,
making him passive and overly dependent. Showing love means
being available, rather than intrusive.
Do you tell your child how you really feel? How confusing
for a child to have a parent who pretends to be the always-loving,
always-cheerful person. If you learn to communicate how you are
feeling (tired, peaceful, upset, joyful, angry, etc.), you become

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authentic and allow your child to grow up authentic.

Dear parent, we all agree that babies need love. Most people
associate parental love with the easy solutions of holding, nursing,
cuddling. What is much more difficult is to find the balance be-
tween holding on and letting go. It is a lifelong struggle, and
maybe the hardest part of parenting.

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42. Does RIE Make

a Difference?

Racine A CHILD using the RIE approach has been a happy,

fulfilling experience, but does it really make a difference? Children
seem to adapt and survive their circumstances no matter how they
are raised, as long as it is with love. In a playground full of
children, can I tell which ones are “RIE babies” and which are not?
Given all our differences in development and personality, it is hard
to attribute everything to RIE, but I have some observations about
it and my experience.
In the realm of parenting, using RIE is a much calmer and
gentler way to raise a child. After attending RIE classes for a year
and a half, I find that I don’t have many struggles with my son
because our world is not set up for conflict.
One RIE tenet says, “Do less—enjoy more.” I try to keep that
in mind. I can let my child do his own exploring and develop at his
own pace. I don’t need to teach him everything, stimulate him at
each stage of development, or assume that I always know the best
and the right way to do things. I try to let him solve his own prob-
lems and to provide an environment in which he can experiment,
discover and create.
He has learned to engage himself in his own activities rather
than to depend on someone or something else. He is able to play
alone, or with friends, for long periods of time. At mealtimes, I sit
with him as he sits at his own small table and feeds himself. He
shows little interest in TV or videotapes and other activities where

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he is a passive participant; he prefers to be active. He has exquisite

posture and a graceful athleticism which I attribute to the RIE
approach.
I work to make a calm home where he feels safe and supported.
I am delighted by the intimate interaction we have during practical
routines of daily life. In addition, I am very grateful to have one
uniting, centering philosophy with my husband. We have a philoso-
phy and a strategy which has worked so far.
And no, I cannot always find the RIE parent, but he or she is
usually the one at the playground who isn’t interfering with her
child’s play, who seems relaxed and less stressed, the one who offers
a warning before it’s time to leave, and the one whose children help
pick up the toys and leave without making a fuss.

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43. One Family,

One Saturday

CORE SATURDAY WE expected friends for dinner. Our car

needed emergency repair, the house needed cleaning, the clothes
needed washing, and dinner needed to be prepared by 7:00 p.m.
Our day went like this:
8:00 a.m. Corina woke up, played by herself, and was cooing
in her crib. We could hear her tossing and turning over. Our alarm
had not gone off yet.
8:30 a.m. We got up. Corina heard this and started making
louder sounds. I greeted her and asked her if she wanted to be
picked up. She reached toward me with her arms and legs. I picked
her up; and she started sucking my shoulder, indicating she was
hungry. I fed her, being fully attentive to her while doing it.
9:10 a.m. Corina’s diaper needed changing, so we proceeded
into our cooperative venture together. “Corina, we need to change
your diaper. Are you ready?” She responded by waving her arms
and legs toward me. I then picked her up and told her, “I'll put you
down on the table.” “Your wet diaper is coming off,” I told her,
while I took off the diaper. She looked and waited. “I'll put your
dry diaper on. Could you put your legs down?” She put her legs
down, several seconds later. “Now we are done. I will take you
down.”
9:15 a.m. I sat on the floor in her room with her and watched
her play. She would glance at me every now and then. About ten
minutes later, I told her that I would be in the kitchen having

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breakfast with Papa. We had breakfast, then I proceeded to sort the

laundry in the kitchen, while her father began to fix the car, after
telling Corina that he would be outside for a while.
9:45 a.m. I heard some complaining sounds. “Corina, I heard
you. What do you want?” I got down on the floor and smelled she
needed diaper changing. “Oh, it seems that you’re telling me you
want to be changed. I’ll pick you up now.” I changed her, without
hurrying. As I left her room, I told her that I would do the laundry
and I would be in the kitchen.
10:15 a.m. I loaded the clothes into the washer and vacuumed
the living room. About half an hour later, Iheard some complain-
ing sounds from Corina. As I listened, the sounds evolved from
complaining to contented, and I resumed my work.
10:55 a.m. As I passed Corina’s room, I saw her in a sitting
position; and her balance was very shaky and tenuous. I said to her,
“Oh, it looks as ifyou are stuck and cannot move yourself. I will
give you some help.” I lifted her bottom and waited for her to pull
her legs out. “There, you got yourself unstuck.” She still was fuss-
ing, so I asked her ifshe wanted to be picked up. She moved a little
in my direction and I picked her up. We sat on the floor for several
minutes; then she wiggled, wanting to get down. She crawled across
the room, picked up her shiny bowl, and grabbed the measuring
spoons. In a few minutes, I told her I would be in the kitchen to
finish the laundry.
11:15 a.m. Just finished the vacuuming when the dryer went
off. Shortly afterward, Corina started to complain, so I brought the
clothes to be folded where she could see me. As I folded the clothes,
I showed her what each item was and told her to whom it belonged.
I folded the entire load; and as I was folding the last piece, she
wanted to be picked up. “Corina, I will finish this and then Ill pick
you up right away,” I told her. She responded by waiting quietly.

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I kept my end of the bargain and devoted my full attention to her

while I fed her.
12 noon—2:30 p.m. Corina took a nap.
2:35 p.m. She woke up and snuggled on my shoulder for a
while. A few minutes later, she was wiggly and wanted to be put
down. I laid her on her back, and she immediately turned over and
grabbed the toy car. She then held her scarf. I left a few minutes
later, after telling her that I would be cooking in the kitchen.
3:00 p.m. She started to cry, so I stayed with her in her room.
She played and looked at me. Several minutes later, she started to
cry again. I checked her clothes and diapers but saw that she did
not need changing. I realized that she was hungry when she started
crying loudly even while being held. I told her, “Oh, now I realize
what you want. I'll feed you right away.” After she was fed, we went
outside to the front lawn.
3:30 p.m. I laid her down on the mat. She first looked at the
leaves, the trees, listened to the birds and then turned over as a car
passed by. Corina then decided to be adventurous and got off the
mat into the grass. She touched it for a long while. As she was
crawling, she got stuck on the lower portion of the lawn. She cried.
I got down on the grass with her. “Corina, you got stuck. I know
it’s difficult to go uphill from where you are.” She looked at me,
still complaining. “Do you need help?” I asked. She did not re-
spond but tried to move herself up the slope. When she finally got
up, she smiled. We both smiled as she struggled on her own to
master that new task.
4:30 p.m. Her father took over for me while I started dinner.
Corina played in the living room while he read magazines. When
she started to complain, he unhurriedly went to her and asked her
what she wanted. When he picked her up, I could hear him say,
“Oh, you wanted some attention, huh?”

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What could have been an unpleasant and hectic day was actu-
ally relaxed and productive. Through our interactions with her, we
give Corina quality time; through her sense of competence and
confidence, she provides us with our own quality time.

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 RIE Parents Tell Their Stories

4A, Appreciating RIE

D ISCOVERING RIE IS one of the few things that I can honestly

say changed my life.
I came to RIE a sleep-deprived, nervous, over-concerned
mother of a nine-month-old. I was trying so hard to do everything
right, even perfectly, that I had no idea how to get to know my own
child, what he really needed and how I might begin to provide it for
him. In my effort to be a perfect mother, I was failing miserably and
feeling more desperate and inadequate every day.
Talking to other mothers didn’t help much. Most weren’t doing
much better than I, which was consoling but didn’t help me find
any clues as to what I was doing wrong. I read books, I watched
child-care “experts” on TV, I studied the few mothers I knew—
usually those on their second child, who seemed somewhat more
in control, certainly less frantic than I. Asking lots of questions, I
tried in vain to find out what it was that they knew and I didn’t. I'd
hear general things like, “Follow your instincts.” Well, fine, that’s
what I was doing; and it was getting me nowhere. “You have to
have a schedule.” Great, now how do J tell him that? Or, “Let him
cry it out.” I tried that.... After seventy minutes of screaming, I gave
up.
Then I found RIE and Magda. The first day I visited, I found
a calmness and a sense of purpose that made me feel, “This place
is different.” There is no short list of helpful hints, a quick fix, an
easy answer. That was a relief. I kept feeling so inadequate when-
ever someone’s capsule of advice had no effect. They made it sound
so simple and easy that the problem must have been me or my baby;

7d
RIE Parents Tell Their Stories

we just couldn’t do it.

Magda’s philosophy slowly began to reveal itself to me. Subtle
changes began to take place in how I was relating to my baby. I
was able to get Max on something like a schedule for part of the
day, and he started sleeping through the night.
No, actually it wasn’t him—it was me. I learned that it was my
responsibility to commit to a regular meal time and bath time; it
was not up to Max. I had been afraid of making a rule, thinking
it was up to him to decide when he would want to eat. I now un-
derstood that it was up to me to set an appropriate time for a meal
and provide food; it would then be Max’s choice to eat it or not. I
began to see Max’s crying as his rightful expression of discomfort
or anger and not a criticism of my mothering. I did not have to be,
nor should I be, responsible for making everything okay for him
every moment. I could allow him to be angry and support him in
finding his own way to cope, without feeling like 1 was somehow
failing as a mother. I began to feel something I had not felt before:
that I did know how to care for my baby. By doing less, I began to
feel as ifI was actually competent as a mother. I began to have an
understanding of what respecting the baby meant. It did not mean
catering to him or abdicating responsibility for his care; it meant
providing, allowing him to have a say and learning to listen to his
way of communicating his say.
Magda and RIE have made me realize that any moment with
my child is important, not just the so-called significant moments.
Yes, the first step is a thrilling moment, but how much more so if
we have learned to appreciate all the intricacies that are constantly
changing which make that step happen.
Now as the pretty well organized, almost rested, occasionally
even relaxed mother of Max, three and a half, and Molly, two, I
look back on the confused and frantic mother I was when I came

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 Appreciating RIE

to RIE three years ago; and I am so grateful to Magda and the RIE
philosophy for giving me the ability to enjoy my children and my
life. Ihave gained so much confidence and knowledge, and I know
my children will reap the benefits for their lifetimes.
Thank you, Magda. From all of us.

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Appendix

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 Appendix

AS. Educaring ~ Some

Examples

Is ORDER TO HIGHLIGHT the difference between other

caregivers and trained Educarers, whether in the home or in other
care situations, here are some illustrations:

Infants’ Abilities
e@ Whereas many caregivers rely on infant curricula,
books, and packaged programs as prescriptions to
teach, drill, and speed up new skills in the areas of
gross motor, social/emotional or language develop-
ment, Educarers trust the infants’ abilities to initiate
their own activities, choose from available objects and
work on their own projects without interruption.

Free Movement and Exploration

@ Whereas others may place very young babies on their
stomachs, Educarers place very young babies on their
backs, where they can see and hear better, breathe
with more ease, and be in the place of most mobility
and most stability.
@ Whereas others teach and encourage postures and
means of locomotion which the infants are not yet able
to do on their own, thus hampering free movement
and exploration and sometimes even creating bodily
discomfort, Educarers provide appropriate space for

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Appendix

infants to initiate their own movements freely, without

interference, thus helping them to feel comfortable,
competent, and self-reliant.

Sensitive Observation
Whereas others focus on eliciting responses to their
stimulation, Educarers focus upon observing the whole
child, his or her reaction to the caregiving person, to
the environment, and to peers, thus learning about the
infant’s personality and needs. Infants find stimulation
everywhere.

Anticipation
Whereas others may swoop up an infant unexpectedly
from behind, thereby startling and interrupting the
infant, and creating resistance, Educarers always tell
the infant before they do anything with the infant, thus
more often getting cooperation.

Encouraging Independence
Whereas others select and put objects/toys in the
infant’s hands, Educarers place the objects/toys so that
the infant must make an effort to reach and grasp. The
child works towards what she wants.
Whereas others encourage dependency by assuming
an active role, such as by “rescuing” crying infants
immediately or solving their problems for them,
Educarers wait a while to see if the infants are capable
of consoling themselves and finding their own
solutions, thus encouraging autonomy.

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 Educaring — Some Examples

Authenticity
@ Whereas others may often use bottles and/or pacifiers
to soothe a crying child, creating a false oral need for
food and sucking, Educarers accept a child’s right to
show both positive and negative feelings. Educarers do
not try to stop the crying, but rather they try to under-
stand and attend to the child’s real needs, such as
sleepiness, hunger, or cold. If the infant soothes him-
self by thumb-sucking, Educarers accept this as a
positive self-comforting activity.

Infant-Infant Interactions
@ Whereas others often restrict infant-infant interaction
(such as infants touching each other) for fear of their
hurting one another, Educarers facilitate interactions
by closely observing in order to know when to inter-
vene and when not to.
@ Whereas, in a situation of conflict between infants,
others resolve the problem by separating, distracting,
or deciding who should have the toy or object in ques-
tion, Educarers offer impartial comments such as,
“Both you, John, and you, Anne, want that toy.” Often
after such comments, minor conflicts resolve them-
selves.
e@ Whereas others may become aggressive in controlling
an “aggressor,” thereby reinforcing the aggressive
behavior, Educarers model appropriate behavior by
touching the aggressive child and quietly saying some-
thing like, “Easy, gently... nice.”
e@ Whereas others may rush to pick up, to rescue, and
to console the “victim” of the “aggressor,” Educarers

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Appendix

squat down, touch, and stroke the “victim,” saying

something like, “Gently, now, nice.” By concurrently
stroking and talking to both the “victim” and the “ag-
gressor,” Educarers model and console both children
without reinforcing a pattern of becoming a “victim.”

Individualized Caregiving
@ Whereas others like to have more people or helpers in
the room, Educarers want to become the steady person
to their own small group of about four infants.
@ Whereas others may become exhausted from picking
up one child and putting down another, as if extin-
guishing one fire after another, Educarers calmly ob-
serve and can often prevent the “fire.”

All of these examples illustrate that, while both these other

caregivers and Educarers love the infant, Educarers demonstrate
love by showing and teaching respect.

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 Appendix

46. Reflections on
My Work with
Dr. Pikler

ce
ie ONLY A FEW INFANTS will benefit from this book, it
was worth writing it.” Although these words clearly reflect my
own sentiment with this book, Dear Parent, they were written by
Dr. Emmi Pikler in her first book for parents (1946).
Many of the ideas we teach at RIE are based on Dr. Pikler’s
research and clinical work with infants in Budapest, Hungary.
How fortunate I am to have had her as a doctor, a teacher and a
friend for close to half a century.
Who was Dr. Pikler? In many countries she would not need
an introduction at all. She, as well as her accomplishments, are
well known.
When I met Dr. Pikler, her ideas seemed so natural, sensible
and simple. It all began when she substituted for my regular
pediatrician. The way she talked to and treated my four-year-old
daughter was so unusual, so unusually respectful, that it made me
feel that this was the answer to all my questions and doubts I’d
had ever since my first child was born.
Later I had the privilege of studying and working with her, at
the National Methodological Institute for Infant Care and Educa-
tion (as it was then called), often referred to as “Loczy,” after the
street on which it is located. Since her death in 1984, it has been
renamed the Emmi Pikler National Methodological Institute for

185
Appendix

Residential Nurseries in her honor.

So profound and far-reaching was Dr. Pikler’s influence upon
me that I decided to make the study and care of young children
my own life’s work.

“Pikler Babies”
Dr. Pikler developed her unusual approach to caring for
infants with her own daughter and as a private pediatrician to a
few selected families in Budapest. Making weekly visits to the
homes of these:families, she would spend hours observing and
facilitating the mutual adaptation of the infant and the family. It
was said that if you went to the park and observed the children
playing there, you could easily tell which ones were the “Pikler
babies.” They were poised and graceful, alert and friendly, and so
confidently independent.
In 1946 she adapted the same philosophy to a program for
orphaned children at Loczy, where she was the executive medical
director. Though raised in a residential setting without their par-
ents, the “Loczy babies” showed the same basic characteristics as
the family-raised “Pikler babies.”
Pikler babies are brought up under natural conditions. They
each develop without interference at his or her own rate. No one
worries about the date of the “milestones.” No one places them
in a sitting position before they are ready to sit up by themselves.
No one tries to teach them to stand or walk. No rattles or other
objects are put in their hand. Not even a pacifier is put in the
mouth. Are they abandoned? Neglected? Ignored? By no means.
Their daily lives provide plenty of natural stimulation to keep them
interested. Well-selected objects are available to the infants to
climb on, to look at, to touch and manipulate. And there is ample
space—space in which to move freely and explore. But the infant

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 Reflections on My Work with Dr. Pikler

makes the choices of how to move and how to play.

At Loczy the babies have freedom to “do their own thing” in
a carefully structured environment. The “nurses” (caregivers) at
Loczy were asked to make a three-year commitment and were
expected to become intimately acquainted with the infants in their
group. Dr. Pikler believed (and it has been reinforced by research)
that infants living in an institute derive security from permanency,
constancy and anticipation: time to sleep, time to eat, time to be
outside, to explore inside. Within this predictable rhythm of daily
life, the infants have time for uninterrupted exploratory play
activities, and the carers have time to give individualized, loving
attention to each of the infants during routine caregiving. Even the
smallest infant is looked at, handled and talked to as an active,
participating individual worthy of respect. This is unhurried
quality time.

Natural Gross Motor Development

Why did Dr. Pikler choose this unusual approach when the
trend was to stimulate more and teach more? It was the outcome
of her studies, observations and experience.
After receiving her medical degree in Vienna while working at
the famous Pirquet Clinic, she became particularly interested in
the physiology of gross motor development—as it occurs in a
healthy, well-cared-for infant who is neither restricted nor taught,
as contrasted with the usual artificial motor development which
is the result of propping, positioning and using restrictive devices
(bouncer, infant seat or walkers, etc.).
Dr. Pikler postulated that, not only do these two different
practices affect motor development, but they influence all other
areas of growth—social, emotional, cognitive—and even character
formation. She became an advocate of “non-interference”—of

187
Appendix

allowing motor development at the infant’s own rate. By allowing

the child freedom of movement, she suggested, parents would
develop respect for their baby’s individual tempo and style in other
areas of development as well. )
In her work with families and at Loczy, Dr. Pikler’s talents as
a scientific investigator and a practitioner involved in the most
minute details of the everyday care of infants made her sound
approach both practical and believable. Many infants reared at
Loczy—often orphaned or with difficult family situations—have
been studied and their growth carefully documented. One study
by the World Health Organization on Loczy children in their later
years shows that, unlike children raised in most institutions, they
grew up into healthy, capable individuals who were able to make
a good adjustment to family life.

Worldwide Influence
Dr. Pikler authored numerous articles and was the consultant
on nine films made at Loczy. Her books, translated into several
languages, range from popular ones for parents to textbooks for
professionals and scientific monographs. She received many
awards and honors, among them one for Medical Science in 1968
for her work on the physiology of gross motor development in
infancy and early childhood. Yet she was most gratified by letters
sent to her from all over the world from “Pikler babies,” now
grown up, asking her advice because they wanted to raise their
infants at home in the same way they were brought up.

From Hungary to the United States

Since my days with Dr. Pikler in Hungary, I have applied her
philosophy to my work with infants in the United States. Our
organization in California, Resources for Infant Educarers, grew

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 Reflections on My Work with Dr. Pikler

out of encouragement we received from parents and professionals

who successfully used our philosophy and urged us to offer train-
ing to infant educarers. RIE-trained infant Educarers and others
have taken the philosophy all over the world.
I have felt sometimes like the bridge between Dr. Pikler and
American society. The lifestyle in this country makes it very diffi-
cult to raise a baby the way Emmi wanted. She had a strong
feeling that if you give a young child a peaceful beginning, the
child develops a natural rhythm and then later he can grow more
easily into adult life. You have to respect and trust a healthy,
normal baby’s inborn capacities, his natural desire to learn. You
do not have to do more. What infants need is the opportunity and
time to take in and figure out the world around them.
What Dr. Pikler really stood for seems the simplest, the most
natural thing to do. But it isn’t, because our society pushes us
constantly. The very essence of RIE—to create a safe, quiet envi-
ronment, to slow down, pay attention, and allow the infants to
move and play in their own way—is a contradiction to the prevail-
ing attitude in our society. It is hard to understand why people
resist an easier way of life that brings better results.
Dr. Pikler was a person who dared to question well-established
ideologies and practices half a century ago, and I continue to do
so myself. After all these years, it is touching and gratifying to see
how one person’s visions can endure and expand despite society’s
opposing trends. Why shouldn’t infants get the very, very best that
our society can offer?

189
Appendix

190
 Appendix

47. About RIE

IResctiecks FOR INFANT EDUCARERS (RIE™), founded

in 1978 by Magda Gerber and Tom Forrest, M.D., is a non-profit
membership organization concerned with improving the care and
education of infants. RIE offers parent-infant observation and
guidance classes, public workshops and conferences, training for
professionals, and consultations to and accreditation of infant care
centers. Other resources include books, a quarterly newsletter,
audiotapes, and videos.
For those wishing to understand and use the RIE philosophy
of respect in their life or work, RIE offers a basic course introduc-
ing principles and practices. The training is for directors, teachers,
therapists, nurses, consultants, and all those who want to deepen
their understanding of infant development, care, and education.
Two advanced mentored courses—a practicum, and a three-part
apprenticeship—complete the training. Certified RIE graduates,
called RIE Associates, are then eligible for membership in the RIE
Alliance, a professional organization for peer review and support.
For more information, contact:
Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE)
1550 Murray Circle, Los Angeles, CA 90026
(323) 663-5330, FAX (323) 663-5586
website: www.RIE.org, email: Educarer@RIE.org
By becoming a general member of RIE, you can participate in
RIE’s efforts to improve the quality of infant care and help enrich
the lives of infants and their families in our communities.

191
Appendix

192
 Appendix

48. A Brief Visit toa

RIE Infant Center

(A Word Picture, by Ruth R. Money)

AFs FIRST IMPRESSION that greets a visitor to a RIE center

is one of peacefulness. The noise level is low. The infants and
toddlers seem content, each one involved in his own task. The
children move with grace. The center doesn’t seem crowded.
There are no large groups of children together. No one is rushing
around. The adults are involved with the children rather than with
one another. The environments in each room and outdoor space
are appropriately different. As the children become older, the size
of the equipment is increased to meet their developmental needs.
This center’ cares for 12 infants and toddlers in a remodeled
home divided into three classrooms: a baby room, for the youngest
infants; a larger middle infant room, for the stage where they are
crawling, creeping, cruising, learning to walk; and an even larger
room for the toddlers. This module for 12 infants and toddlers
could be replicated on a campus of two or more cottages or in a
larger center, still keeping the same small, intimate atmosphere in
each room.

7 The center described is the South Bay Infant Center, the first RIE
demonstration center. It was founded to model the respectful caring
relationships possible in a group setting where each infant is treated as
an individual.

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Shee
 A Brief Visit to a RIE Infant Center

Infants usually enter the center when they are about three
months of age and stay with the same team of two primary care-
givers for two years, until they leave for preschool at about 27
months of age. One member of the caregiving team works in the
morning and the other in the afternoon, as the center is open
eleven hours a day. Every eight months, as a group of four tod-
dlers “graduates,” the center accepts a group of four new babies.
Each team of primary caregivers moves with their infants to the
next developmentally appropriate environment so that the intimate
caregiving relationships are stable over the two years the infants
are at the center.

First Stop — Baby Room

As we sample what is going on in different parts of this center,
our first stop is a 12-foot-square room which opens through
French doors to a wooden deck of about the same size. Two
babies are lying on the floor very absorbed in moving their bodies
in ways unique to each of them. A gate separates the play area
from an area for sleeping and diaper-changing. One baby is gently
cradled in a caregiver’s arms as she feeds him a bottle. The fourth
baby is asleep in a crib on the other side of the gate.
The caregiver is seated in a sturdy chair, devoting her com-
plete attention to the one baby she is holding. Both adult and baby
seem to be comfortable and to be enjoying the activity. As the baby
sucks away, draining down the level of milk in the bottle, the adult
looks into the baby’s eyes, occasionally talking to him. How can
the adult afford to pay so much attention to the one child she is
feeding? Might the two babies on the floor get into trouble? We
note that the environment in which the babies play is simple and
uncluttered. A clean sheet covers a nearly room-size rug, and there
are some lightweight plastic toys around, as well as a very low

195
Appendix

platform and ramp. There doesn’t seem to be anything on which

a baby could hurt himself or could damage.
One of the babies on the rug begins to fuss. “I hear you, Jona-
than,” says the adult, briefly looking at him. “I thought you would
be getting hungry. I have your bottle ready to heat so I can feed
you soon, but I’m feeding Ramon now.” She turns her eyes back
to the baby in her arms and continues to give him the bottle. “It
is your time right now, Ramon,” she says. Soon Ramon stops
sucking. The caregiver takes the nipple out, offers it again, but
Ramon spits it out. “All right,” she says, “I see you are done” and
puts the bottle down, then holds Ramon while she burps him.
“What a good burp,” she says to him and then lifts him gently and
puts him on his back on the rug, where he promptly turns over
onto his stomach and starts to pull himself toward a plastic colan-
der not far away.
The educarer puts Jonathan’s bottle into a crock-pot of warm
water and says to him, “Your bottle will be warm in a minute,
Jonathan.” As she marks down the time and ounces on Ramon’s
feeding record, she hears Samantha making noises in her crib.
The carer greets her and holds out her arms to the baby. “What
a good nap you had, Samantha. I just marked it down. You slept
an hour and 20 minutes. I think I had better change you before
you play.” Samantha holds out her arms to her carer and is picked
up and carried affectionately over to the diaper table. “I’m putting
you down now,” she says, and lays her on her back. As Jonathan’s
protests grow louder, the carer continues to diaper Samantha,
talking and smiling with her as she completes the tasks in a relaxed
fashion. After she puts Samantha on the floor, the carer squirts the
disinfectant on the diapering table, wipes it with paper towels, and
washes her hands.
Then she picks up Jonathan. “Yes, you’re telling me you are

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very hungry. I have your bottle ready for you now,” she says, as
she settles him into her arms and starts the feeding process with
him. She is now giving to Jonathan the same kind of comfort,
attention and care that she gave to Ramon. Again the carer looks
comfortable, and the baby is happily eating and looking at the
adult. On the floor Ramon and Samantha are busily rolling
around, but Peggy has moved to the edge of the room near a
pillow and is yawning. “You look sleepy, Peggy. You have had a
long play time. I’ll put you in your crib in just a little while so you
can sleep more comfortably,” says the carer as she turns back to
feeding Jonathan.
As we leave this area we realize that, except for five minutes
of Jonathan’s fussing, we have heard only quiet voices, and it is
quiet again. Yet two babies have been fed with one-to-one atten-
tion, one baby has been picked up from a nap and her diaper has
been changed in a relaxed fashion, all four babies have had a
happy play time, records have been kept—and all of this with no
other adult to help the caregiver.

Second Stop — Middle Infant Room

Our second stop is in the middle infant room, which has a
ramp leading down to an outdoor play yard. The toy shelves on
one side of the room are almost empty, and many toys are on the
floor. Two children are outside with a caregiver, Ben is crawling
up the ramp on all-fours to come back inside, and the fourth child
is sleeping in an adjacent crib room.
Outside Gina sits in a dry turtle wading pool with numerous
toys in it. She throws a few toys out, then puts her hand inside a
plastic ring. Koichi is cruising around the inside edge of an
elevated redwood deck, holding on to the wall. Ben, who has
remained inside, climbs up and down some small wooden stairs.

197
Appendix

The educarer watches him through the open French doors, but she
does not go inside. Ben comes down from the stairs, crawls past
the toys, climbs inside a shelf, and stretches out.
The carer hears a noise from the nap room. She goes inside,
where Danielle is awake and standing up in her crib. All four
porta-cribs in this room have had their legs adjusted so they are
very close to the floor. Danielle holds out her arms, and the carer
lifts her up. “I’ll change your diaper at the station outside,
Danielle,” says the carer as she carries her outside. Danielle coop-
erates with the carer as her diaper is changed.
As Danielle and the caregiver are cleaning their hands, Koichi
loses his balance, falls and cries. The caregiver turns to see him
pull himself up. “Are you getting tired, Koichi? How would you
like to have a drink of juice before you take your nap?” The carer
takes from a high shelf a tray with a covered pitcher of diluted
juice and sits on a picnic blanket. Gina, Danielle and Koichi go to
her. “When you sit down, I'll pour your juice,” the carer says. She
pours small amounts in each glass, and the children drink and ask
for more. In the adjacent room Ben continues lying on the toy
shelf.

Third Stop — Toddler Room

Our last stop is in the young toddler room, where Kisha is
standing in front of a shelf displaying an assortment of hats and
caps. Visible through a very large picture window is an enclosed
outdoor play yard. In the play yard Lee walks repeatedly up and
down a plank placed on an incline to a platform which is about
eight inches high.
Christopher picks up a basket with some plastic eggs inside.
David stops his activity, reaches for the basket, pulls and gets it.
Christopher cries and goes near the carer. “It looks as if you didn’t

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 A Brief Visit to a RIE Infant Center

like David’s taking the basket. You can tell him ‘No.’” “No!”
Christopher says. David continues to hold the basket he took.
“Who knows where there are some baskets?” asks the care-
giver. Both boys run inside, find a colander and a basket for each
‘hand. Christopher puts eggs in both of his containers and walks
around. David sits and puts the eggs from his basket into a colan-
der, then puts each egg into his mouth and takes it out again. The
original basket is ignored on the patio floor.
Kisha comes outside wearing a baseball cap from the shelf.
She takes it off and holds it out to the carer, who asks, “Is that for
me?” The carer remains seated while Kisha puts the cap on the
carer’s head. Both smile.
“Are you about ready for lunch?” asks the carer. Kisha takes
the carer’s hand and pulls her inside, and Lee follows. The tod-
dlers stand at the gate separating the play area from the eating
area, which we see has four small chairs around a low square
table, with a stool for the caregiver to sit at the corner of the table.
The carer gathers in a dishpan the food, plates, glasses, a pitcher
of water, a carton of milk, bibs and clean washcloths, which she
places inside the fenced-off eating area.
As the carer moves toward the steps beside the washbasin, the
girls have already anticipated what will happen next and run there
ahead of her. “Who would like to wash their hands first?” she
asks. “Oh, Kisha, I see you are already waiting by the bathroom.
You must want to be first.” The girls in turn wash their hands and
dry them with paper towels with minimal assistance from the
carer.
“Would you like to eat with us?” the carer asks Christopher
and David, who leave their baskets and eggs and come to the
table. “Let’s wash your hands first,” she says and repeats the
handwashing routine with them. The four children sit around the

199
Appendix

table, with the carer at the corner. “Look what we have. I’m serv-
ing five peas to Kisha, and five peas to Lee, and five peas to David,
and five peas to Christopher.” As they start to eat she says, “Here
is some tuna for you, and you, and you, and you,” and then, “And
here is a fourth of a banana for each of you.” David says, “More
peas.” The caregiver replies, “More peas, please. You have eaten
all five peas. Here are five more for you.” The children finish their
very small servings and repeatedly ask for replacements. The adult,
though doing much of the talking, listens carefully to the words
of the young toddlers and observes their non-verbal communica-
tion. It is a sociable time. Lee points to her empty glass. “Would
you like some more milk, Lee?” Lee nods her head, and the carer
pours a small amount for her. When the children indicate they are
no longer hungry, the carer gives them each a clean, wet
washcloth. After washing their hands, they return to the play area
one by one as they finish, while the carer sits in the gated eating
area keeping the last child company.
Two of the toddlers decide to return to the eating area, where
they help their caregiver clean the table. Meanwhile the other two
have each taken a book and have climbed into a low-cut box where
they look at the pictures, pointing, talking and turning the pages.
Then the carer offers to read a book as the children wind down
before going to their mats for a rest or nap.®

Respect and Support for Parents

The philosophy of respect demonstrated with the infants in this
visit to a RIE center also extends to parents. The center respects

After lunch and a quiet indoor play time, slightly older toddlers who can
eat with more ease join their caregiver for tooth brushing before the
ritual of reading books before rest time.

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 A Brief Visit to a RIE Infant Center

parents as the most important ongoing influence in the life of a

child. Orientations and tours acquaint prospective parents with the
center and its philosophy. Parents and infants meet for six Satur-
days before a new group of four young infants begin care at the
center. Potluck suppers and educational programs are offered
regularly. Parents of enrolled children are encouraged to visit at
any time. A quiet place is available for mothers to nurse babies. At
the end of the day, parents who come to pick up their children
often linger to relax and socialize with other parents and be avail-
able to their young children before returning home.

201
Appendix

202
 Appendix

49. RIE ina Family

Child Care Home

by
Catherine Coughlan

By THE TIME I BEGAN STUDYING with Magda Gerber,

I had already decided to provide child care in my home. Caring
for a small group of infants in the intimate setting of a home
seemed ideal for the children and their parents. Discovering RIE
made me even more motivated because of its respectful approach
to being with infants.

A Safe and Peaceful Environment

One of the first things I learned from Magda was the impor-
tance of creating not only a safe but also a peaceful environment
for infants. With this in mind, I chose to enroll four babies who
were three to four months of age. One might think that having
four young children at this age with only one caregiver would be
anything but safe and peaceful. My experience was just the
opposite because of what I learned from RIE.
The first step was setting up an environment that was safe.
(See, Absolutely Safe!, page 157) Because all the very young
infants were at about the same developmental level, this was
much easier to accomplish than if there were a significant differ-
ence in their ages. My family room, which had two sinks and
easy access to the backyard, was an ideal place to care for the
infants. When inside they would play on a large flannel sheet

203
Appendix

placed over the carpet with a few play objects placed nearby.
(See, Choosing Play Objects, page 97) When out on the deck, I
placed the infants on a large bedspread. Toys were put within
reach but were played with less often because the infants seemed
to prefer observing the things nature provided. (See, Outdoor
Living, page 103)
As the children’s developmental needs changed, the environ-
ment was adapted to meet these needs. For example, when the
infants started crawling, low ramps and climbing structures were
added. (See, Equipment: What is Really Necessary?, page 159)
Low shelves for their toys allowed them to see what was avail-
able, and they would crawl to the shelves and select the toys they
wanted to play with. Once the infants became toddlers, the child-
proofed living room became an additional play area where they
were able to satisfy their growing need for more space.
And what about providing a peaceful place for four infants?
When they were young it was very seldom that all four infants
were awake at the same time. The infants who were awake
played while I sat nearby, quietly observing their different ways
of exploring whatever they were interested in. When an infant
needed a bottle or a diaper change, I was able to give one-to-one
attention to the infant I was feeding or changing while the others
played on the floor. If I were feeding or changing one infant
when another infant became hungry or tired, I would calmly let
the infant know I heard his cry and would be with him soon.
Sometimes while he waited I would need to reassure him. Did
he understand my words? Not in the beginning, but over time
he often was comforted by my responses to his requests for help.
And the infant I was feeding or changing did not get the message
from me that her time was up or that we needed to hurry and
finish so I could take care of someone else. By giving each infant

204
 RIE in a Family Child Care Home

focused one-to-one attention during caregiving times, such as

feeding and diapering, I was letting the infant know how impor-
tant it was for both of us to spend this kind of time together.
(See, Caregiving Routines: One-to-One, with Full Attention, page
5 andA Brief Visit to a RIE Infant Center, page 193)
RIE’s approach to infant play also contributed to the peace-
fulness of the environment. The infants were allowed to move
their bodies and play with objects and equipment in their own
way. No one was trying to coax the infants to crawl or walk or
to teach them how to play. In other words, the infants were not
expected to perform for adults. As a result I observed infants
having long attention spans, experimenting endlessly and being
fully self-directed. So often I would notice how an infant played
with a toy in a way that many adults would not encourage and
even try to correct. I remember seeing an infant dumping the soft
blocks out of a container and putting the container on his head,
using the lid to make a variety of movements and noises on the
floor, and putting the blocks back into the container without
using the holes in the lid (it is a lot more efficient). Just think of
how relaxed you might feel if you were this child. I also remem-
ber noticing how the infants on a low climbing structure would
each in their own way figure out how to navigate going up and
down using their whole bodies for sensory input. Imagine how
satisfying it would be to accomplish this on one’s own without
directives from adults. (See, On Teaching and Learning, page
11, On Their Backs, Free to Move, page 35 and At Their Own
Time, and In Their Own Way, page 53)
Did the infants experience frustration? Of course, it is a
natural part of play. Learning how to deal with frustration is an
important part of life. Allowing infants to wrestle with their
frustrations often led to creative problem solving. Once two
-_

205
Appendix

infants were tugging back and forth on a toy, each trying to get
it from the other and letting everyone know about their discon-
tent. Rather than intervening right away, I waited to see how they
might play this out. Within a short time, they began smiling at
each other while continuing to tug away at the toy. They had
discovered a way to play with it together and found it fun.
What about times when the infants are clearly overly frus-
trated during play? Then it is time to intervene and help them
regain their sense of well being. RIE recommends doing the least
amount of intervention first. This allows the infants to be part of
the solution instead of feeling as if there is nothing they can do.
For example, an infant was very frustrated because a toy he had
been playing with rolled under the gate. I approached him, got
down on his level and said, “I see how upset you are.” Then I
waited for the child’s response. He reached out for me. I leaned
over and held him until he released his hold on me and then went
crawling off on a new adventure. Following his lead was impor-
tant because what he wanted by then was comfort, not the toy.
One of the positive experiences of group care is the interac-
tion among the infants. From the beginning the infants were
interested in one another. Allowing their relationships with one
another to develop provided a wealth of ongoing opportunities
for learning to be with others their own age. It also enabled them
to be more independent in their play while I was feeding or
diapering one of them. Keeping the group size small was essen-
tial in maintaining a peaceful environment. Noise and activity
levels rise and infants can easily become over-stimulated when
too much is going on around them.
Predictability is another way to ensure a peaceful environ-
ment. When infants learn what to expect and do not have to
adapt to frequent changes in their routine, they feel more com-

206
 RIE in a Family Child Care Home

fortable and tend to cry less. Our daily activities were quite
simple. When the infants were notsleeping, eating or having a
diaper change, they were playing in the family room or out in the
backyard. Whenever I wanted to do something to change what
was going on, I would tell the infants what I was about to do.
This included everything from letting an infant know I was going
to pick her up for a diaper change to telling the group I was
going to open the back door so we could go outside. Of course,
in the beginning the infants did not understand my words; but
over time I noticed how much more relaxed they became when
making transitions compared to other infants I had observed who
were not given time to anticipate change. (See, Predictability:
Helping Your Child Feel Secure, page 57)

Parent Relations
Because the program I was offering was based on a specific
approach to child care, I felt it was very important to explain the
basic principles of RIE to the parents who wanted to enroll their
infants. It was essential for the parents to feel that the RIE ap-
proach was what they wanted for their child. I was very grateful
that Magda kept reminding me of this when I would call her to
discuss what was happening during the enrollment period.
During the initial interview with each set of parents, we
watched the RIE video Seeing Infants with New Eyes together.
We talked about the kind of care their child would be receiving,
and I responded to the many questions they asked. Providing
them with printed materials about RIE and information about my
background and training was also very helpful. Once I started
enrolling infants, the parents were able to observe the program
in action as well as hear about it during our interview.
During the process of enrolling the four infants, it was

207
Appendix

obvious that the RIE approach was not a match for some par-
ents. Validating the parents’ choice was very important to them
and to me. However, it did not take long to be fully enrolled. I
found that the gradual enrollment of the infants helped all of us
ease into the daily routine of being together.
In addition to talking with parents about their infants at
drop-off and pick-up times, I also wrote daily written reports
about their child’s day, including eating, diapering and sleeping
information as well as a comment about something that made
that day special for their child. Whenever a parent requested time
to discuss something in more detail, we made arrangements to
do so at a time convenient for both of us.
Every month I wrote a newsletter for the parents. It included
child development articles as well as calendar updates and infor-
mation about what was going on in the program.

Building a Sense of Community

Two months after the fourth child was enrolled, all the par-
ents and their infants gathered in my home for our first annual
Holiday Party. I still remember the parents saying how wonderful
it was to be at a holiday gathering with their infants in a place
that was child-proof and child-friendly. They could relax and
enjoy the party while their children played freely in a safe and fun
environment.
As a result of the success of the party, we began having
potluck get-togethers as an extended family every few months.
Eventually we started meeting at the families’ homes and then
at local parks. Often questions about child care and child devel-
opment would come up, and we would discuss them in a relaxed
and informal way.
Grandparents became a very important part of our family

208
 RIE in a Family Child Care Home

child care community. Some lived near my home and often

stopped by during drop-off or pick-up times. Those who lived
far away were always invited to spend time with their grandchild
during their visits. I felt it was very important for grandparents
to observe and feel welcome. For the most part, the grandparents
had never used child care, and they needed to see what their
grandchildren experienced during the day.

From Infancy to Preschool Age

I decided to enroll two additional toddlers when the original
group members were two years old. The newcomers were just
a few months younger and developmentally were at about the
same level. Because of the increased size of the group, I also
hired a part-time assistant who was willing to be trained in the
RIE approach and quickly demonstrated his ability to translate
theory into practice.
My original plan was to take care of these children until they
were about three years old when they would be old enough to
attend preschool. I was then going to enroll a new group of
infants. Life presented different opportunities, however. The
parents wanted their children to stay in my family child care
setting; several children remained until they were five years old.
Observing the children throughout their preschool years, I
could see how RIE influenced their growth and development.
One time my experience of this was confirmed by a parent inter-
ested in enrolling his preschool child. After watching the children
at play for about an hour, he commented that he had never
before seen preschoolers playing so creatively. He marveled at
how they initiated complex ways of enhancing their play without
adult prompting. I explained that from a very early age the chil-
dren had developed these skills simply by not having adults

209
Appendix

interfere with their play. Adults intervened only when necessary,

thereby allowing the children to use their imaginations individu-
ally and as a group.

Lessons Learned
The children in the program continually demonstrated the
benefits of RIE’s respectful approach to infant care. The follow-
ing are some of the experiences I would like to share.
I learned firsthand the importance of infants in child care
being in a small group with a primary caregiver. Focusing on
only four infants, I was able to recognize their subtle cues and
respond to their needs in ways which helped them to develop
trust in me and confidence in their ability to communicate.
I could also see how comforting this was for them.
RIE’s emphasis on talking with infants as if they understand
led to many interesting results. (See, Talking to Your Baby,
page 33) One example involves a toddler who had been in the
program only one week. Prior to being enrolled, he had not
heard the English language. One day when we were on the deck
and the children were engaged in water play, I mentioned that
I had forgotten to bring out the sponges. He immediately went
into the house, opened the cabinet where the sponges were kept
and brought them out for the group. His matter-of-fact way of
doing this was particularly amazing.
Treating others as you have been treated was brought home
to me when I observed an older sibling interacting with her
younger brother. Once when he was throwing a toy, she gently
told him it was not safe and showed him a way he could throw
it that was safe. He was intrigued and immediately began throw-
ing the toy as she had demonstrated. She was only three, and she
already knew how to redirect inappropriate behavior.

210
 RIE in a Family Child Care Home

The five years of providing child care in my home are among

the most treasured of my life. After closing the program when
the oldest children entered kindergarten, I felt the lessons I had
learned from the child care experience provided a solid founda-
tion for my subsequent work teaching others about RIE.

211
SPORT TRAd te
BERY SH tpn, uy

Ay bu ES Ge OSA
 Index

accidents, 53, 160. See also safety authentic(ity), xi, 1, 71-74, 167,
accreditation of infant care centers, 170, 183
xii, 191 autonomy, encouraging, 9, 76, 77,
acknowledgments, of positive 139, 182
behavior, 117. See also availability, of parent, 24, 64, 68,
discipline, talking 75-77, 169
active infant, 2, 9, 101, 126, 161, of primary caregiver, 182—184,
187 195-200, 204—206
adaptation, xi, 24, 30, 39, 45, 92, back position, 35, 95, 181
123, 186 turning to stomach, 37, 56
aggressive behaviors, 133, 183 balance, infant’s sense of, 53, 54
ambivalence, of parents, 25, 109, bedtime ritual, 93. See also sleep
112 biological rhythms, 24, 30, 92, 134
of toddlers, 137 biting, 133-135
anger, of infant, 41, 133 bored(om), beliefs about, 13, 39
of parent, 77, 109, 119, 122 children who are, 153, 161
anticipation, 59, 61, 149, 182, bottle/formula, vs. breast-feeding,
187, 207. See also routines 84. See also feeding
anxiety, separation/stranger, 125, bouncers, 160
205 boundaries, providing security, 16,
appetite, 87, 123 FF 1135
Art of Loving, The, 167 breast, feeding, 9, 31, 83-86, 133
attachment, xii, 76, 126 area for, in infant center, 201
attention, xi, 2, 3,5, 7, 25, 63, 64, to soothe crying, 40, 49, 83
74-76, 78, 117, 195, 204 Brown, Margaret Wise, 93
span, of infants, 67, 205 calm, manner of adult, 41-43, 67,
attitude(s), 19, 64, 77, 95, 115, 184, 195-200, 204-206.
119-121, 155 See also environment
toward food, 84, 88 car seat, 61, 159, 169

213
Index

caregiv(ers) (ing), xi, xii, 2, 5—9, of needs, 24, 119

63, 165, 181, 184, 193-210. with objects, others, in play, 13
See also diapering, dressing, confusing experiences, for infant,
feeding 12, 718 155..155, 166
primary, xii, 150, 195, 210 consistency, 3, 60, 77, 112
training courses, 191 control, issue in thumb vs. pacifier,
carriers, infant, 45, 161 51
center(s), infant care, xi, 193 cooperation, 2, 76, 81, 112, 115,
accreditation, 191 139, 182, 198
chair, for feeding, 87, 160 Coughlan, Catherine, 203
change(s), dealing with, 23, 27, crib, 16, 103, 159
57-61, 123, 207 crying, 27, 30, 39-42, 105, 108
unnecessary, as interruption, 60 feeding/pacifier to soothe, 40,
child care. See group(s) 49-51, 83
child, decision to have, 23-25 infant’s right to cry, 41, 50, 73,
child-proof(ing), 17, 204. See also 169
safety predictability and, xi, 57
child rearing, fads and trends in, responding to, 40-43, 46, 47,
151-155 168, 182, 196, 198, 204
children, wishes for, 163 cues, infant’s language, 34, 46, 63
choice(s), respecting infant’s, 89, development, motor. See natural
113 gross motor development
class(es), activity/swim, for infants, diaper(ing), 79-82, 196, 198, 204
71, 152 change, as interruption, 60
caregiver training, 191 wet, or rash, as cause of crying,
parent-infant observa- 39
tion/guidance, 114, 201 diary, of infant’s weight
colic, 42, 43, 51 gains/foods, 85
communication, 6—8, 33, 46, 63, discipline, 107-109, 111-115,
65, 73, 200, 207 117-122
competence, of infant, 21, 155, introducing and reinforcing, 76,
164, 182 114,115
conflict(s), between children, 65, lack of, as neglect, 108
130, 131, 183, 198. See also routines, 112, 113
biting, intervention “negotiable” situations, 119

214
 Index

distraction, as interference, 42, 46, explorers, infants as, 2, 12, 99, 137
50, 79 fads and trends in child rearing,
doing less, and observation, 63, 75 151-155
dressing, 8, 76, 77, 104 falling asleep, as skill, 94-96
eating, in infant center, 199, 200. family, meals, 88
See also feeding visits, 59
Educaring, xi, 1-3, 181-184 wishes for, 164, 165
Emmi Pikler, M.D. See Pikler, family child care, 203-210
Dr. Emmi fatherhood, assumptions about,
emotions. See feelings 164
empathy, 20, 117, 129, 130, 137 fear(s), of infant, 125
entertain(ing), of infant by adult, of parent, in disciplining, 108
18 feeding, 65, 83-88, 93, 195-200
toys, 101, 161 problems, avoiding, 65, 88
environment, adapted to devel- to soothe crying, 40, 49, 83
opmental needs, 3, 17, 104, feelings, of infant, 51, 55, 72, 73,
193, 197, 198, 203, 204 131, 183
peaceful/calm/quiet, 15, 30, 58, of parent/caregiver, 29, 49, 65,
92, 93, 131, 157, 189, 193, 169
204-206 flexibility, dealing with change, 59
safe/for learning, 2, 3, 13, of RIE approach, in parenting,
15-18, 157, 158, 189, 203 47
secure/predictable, 15-18, food. See feeding
57-59, 61, 68, 187 Forrest, Tom, M.D., 191
equipment, 195-199, 204, 205 freedom, to move and explore, 3,
recommendations, 159 12501 79359 539545113;.160,
what not to buy, 160, 161 169, 181, 187, 188, 205
Erikson, Erik, 133 Fromm, Eric, 167
expectant parents, xvii, 159 frustration, due to unmet needs,
expectations, of parent, 12, 24, 27, 134
47 £56792 3920015201532 infant’s tolerance for, 21, 22, 64,
207 67, 169, 205, 206
in discipline, 76, 107—109, 111, game-playing, of toddlers, 77
112 gate(s) PeLT el Spel 5791595195,
199, 206

ZS
Index

Gerber, Magda, 191, 203, inside interference(s), in infant’s

front cover play/learning, 12, 49, 54, 113,
goal(s), in parenting, 21, 24, 74, 153; 1617210
74, 76, 107 interruptions, 60, 67, 68, i51
Good Night Moon, 93 intervention, selective, 68, 131,
grandparent(s), 31, 208, 209 183, 198, 199, 206, 210
group(s), by age/development jumpers, 54
stage, 193, 194, 203, 209 language, development, 33, 34,
care of infants in, xi, 181—211 210. See also talking
size, importance of small, 149, infant’s cues, 29, 34, 63-66
193, 206, 210 lap feeding, 87
gross motor development. See learning, and teaching, xvi, xvii, 2,
natural gross motor 11-14, 36
development about another/oneself, 28, 74
habits, 112. See also routines by moving, 53
hand washing, in infant center, during caregiving, 6, 76, 79
199, 200 limit(s), setting, by adult, 113, 169
high chair(s), 87, 160 testing, by infant, 115
holding, 45, 46, 48, 169 listening, 2, 34, 66, 75, 200
honesty, in communications, 73, Loczy (Emmi Pikler Institute), 55,
108, 109 185-189
“house rules,” 111-115 love, 45, 167-170, 184
hunger/satiation, 83 mastery of new skills, 2, 9, 13, 21,
independence, 18, 25, 182, 186 69, 82
individual(ized) care of infants in meals. See feeding
groups, 184, 187, 193-201, “milestones,” 36, 55, 56, 186
203-210 mobiles, 17, 101, 161
infant care, alternatives, 147—150 Money, Ruth R., xii, 193
center, xi, 193, 201 motor skills. See natural gross
evaluating, 147-150, 157, 158, motor development
181-184 music, at bedtime, 94
infant seat, 17, 18, 54, 161 nap(s). See sleep
infant-infant interactions, 130, natural gross motor development,
131, 183, 198—200, 206 xviii, 12, 35-38, 53-56, 181,
initiator, child as, 56, 68, 76 182, 186-188, 205

216
 Index

and Dr. Emmi Pikler, 186-188 of newborns, 27-31

need(s), conditioning or creating, respect for needs of, 24, 47, 119
40, 47, 183 role/responsibility, xii, xv, 2, 19,
conflict of/balancing, 18, 24, 47, 120, 200
119-122 support/groups, 143, 144, 200,
instinctual, 49, 50, 134 201, 208
of infant(s), xi, 24, 29, 63, 65, wishes for, xv, 164. See also
150, 155 expectations
of parent(s), 24, 28, 47, 119 parenting, difficulties, xv, 23, 33,
negative, feelings, accepting 170
infant’s, 74, 183 planning for parenthood, 25
newborn(s), 27, 47, 76, 104 passive infant, 2, 50, 101, 161, 169
“no,” 109 peaceful, beginning, 25, 30, 58,
“non-interference,” 187 75, 189
nursing. See breast feeding manner of adult, 63, 74, 130,
objects, infants as, 72 205. See also environment
observation, 2, 20, 21, 36, 37, 56, performance, by infant, 55, 75,
63-66, 74, 143, 182-184, 118, 163, 205
200, 205 Piaget, Jean, 12
developing skill of, 21, 22, 36, picking up a baby, 1, 6, 20, 57, 61,
37, 66, 74, 95, 96 168, 196, 198
“okay,” telling infant “you’re...,” “Pikler babies,” 186
T2015 Pikler, Dr. Emmi, xvi, 16, 71,
“ongoingness” of parenting, 23, 185-189
146 Institute, 55, 185
oral-aggressive phase of infancy, playa t2m57750590; 10378205;
133 206, 210
outdoor play, 103-105, 197, 198, in infant center, 195—200
204 uninterrupted/quiet, 3, 67, 95,
Pacific Oaks College, 95, inside 119, 187
front cover play objects, choosing, 97-101.
pacifier(s), 46 See also equipment
vs. thumb, 49-52 playpen, 16, 17, 92, 103
parent(s), negligent, 108 point of view, “switching,” 120,
121

2a
Index

power struggles, avoiding, 114 right to cry, 41, 73, 89, 169,
praise, 117, 118 178
predictability, xi, 3, 30, 58-61, 91, mutual/self-, xi, 45, 47, 115,
187, 206, 207 119, 164, 167, 200
primary caregiv(ers) (ing), xii, 150, respectful, manner of adult, 7, 25,
195, 210 61, 185
problem(s), feeding, 65, 88 responding to baby, 37, 40-42, 63.
allowing infants to solve, 21, 46, See also talking
67-69, 126, 131, 182, 183, vs. Stimulating, 73, 182, 205
199, 205, 206 responsibility, of parenthood,
sleep, 89, 94 23-25, 84
“protecting,” of infant by parent, rest. See sleep, tiredness
59 restrictive devices, 17, 46, 54, 160,
quality time, 6, 75-78, 176, 187 187
quiet, manner of adult, 20—22, 41, rhythm, biological, of infant, 25,
60, 68, 69, 74, 117, 164, 183, 134
195-197, 204. See also RIE, about, 191
environment approach, basic ideas, xi, 1—3,
rattles, 161 157,°158, 18970934203,
readiness, 45, 53-56, 86, 111, 205-207
139, 153, 154 flexibility of, 47
relationship(s), adult/child, 31, 76, infant center, xi, xii, 193-201
78, 80, 119, 164, 167, 193, training course, 191
195 role of parent, xv, 3, 20, 120, 200
importance of stable, 159, 195, rough-housing, 164
210 routine(s), 3, 6, 57-60, 151
parent(s)/caregiver(s), xii, 200, sleep, 91, 92, 112
201, 208 rules, teaching and reinforcing,
repetition, in learning, 13, 54, 114. 114
See also mastery safe(ty), and natural development,
Resources for Infant Educarers 12, 54
(RIE), see RIE of environment/space, 13, 15,
respect, basis of Educaring, 1, 184, 17, 157, 158, 189, 203, 204
187, 189 of play objects/equipment, 97,
for infant’s feelings/choices/ 98, 160

218
 Index

scale, infant weight, 85 South Bay Infant Center, 193

scarf, as play object, 16, 99 space, safe/for infant, 3, 15-18,
schedules. See routines 104, 157, 158, 186, 189, 193,
security, 25, 63, 76, 93, 104 203, 204
vs. insecurity/doubt, 18, 50, 63, stairs, infant’s way of going down,
126, 137, 138, 155. See also 12
environment stimulation, excess, 15, 39, 42, 43,
“seeing new,” xvii, 64. See also 57, 148, 206
observation of infant, to learn/respond, 11,
selective intervention, 68, 131 T3451
self-confidence, 9, 26, 43, 59, 115 provided by nature, 105, 204
self-reliance, 50 stomach position, 35, 181
sensitive observation. See turning from back, 37, 56
observation stranger anxiety, 125, 126
separation, anxiety, 125 stress, 92°153)157
-individuation stage of infancy, stroller(s), 161, 162
TT struggle(s), moving/during play,
process/beginning at birth, 19, 2122 57,002, .0
27, 76 between children. See conflict
sharing, 118, 129-131 inner/for autonomy, 9, 114,
sitting, 53-56, 87, 154, 186 137, 140
position, propping infant into, suck(ing), instinctual need, 49, 50
Iomloo, 187 false/pseudo need to, 84
sleep(ing), 50-52, 91-96 of thumb, 49—52
habits/routines, 59, 91-93, 113 sun exposure, precautions, 104
patterns/problems, 51, 89, 91, support groups, parent, 143, 144
95 swim class, for infants, 71, 72
slings. See carriers swing(s), 17, 157, 160
slow pace, 8, 30, 41, 57, 86, 92, table, small, for feeding, 87, 199,
93, 131, 189, 193, 204 200
smiling, inappropriate, 71, 74, 168 talking, to infant, 33, 34
snack, in RIE class/infant center, confusing messages, 71, 168
114, 198 during caregiving, 76, 77,
social learning/adaptation, xi, 111, 80-82, 86, 93, 94, 196-201,
118, 200 204

219
Index

everyday life, 13, 58, 60, 120, training courses, RIE, 191
C211 25R210 trust, in infant’s competence/
when observing/intervening, 68, capacities, 2, 11, 21, 22, 69,
117, 130, 134, 135, 184, 198, 96, 131, 140, 181, 189
199, 206. See also language infant’s sense of, 57, 63, 65, 82
tantrums, 72 understanding, 60, 73
teaching, xv, 34, 53, 63 vs. misunderstanding, 63
and learning, xvi, xvii, 2, 11-14 uninterrupted play, 3, 15, 67, 187
and reinforcing rules, 114, 198 vacation(s), 60, 126
teasing, 77, 82 vulnerability, of new parents, 27,
teeth, brushing, 200 28
television, 101, 105, 161, 171 of infants, 123, 126
thumb-sucking, 49-52, 183 wait(ing), 19-21, 67, 68, 72, 75,
tickling, 72, 73 182, 206
time, apart/“separate,” 15, 18, 27, learning to, by infant, 118, 134
146 walk, learning to, 53, 54
infant’s need for, 114, 154, 155, walker, 54, 160
187, 189 “wants nothing”/”wants some-
peaceful/together/quality, 5, 32, thing” quality time, 75, 76
75-77, 187. See also weaning, 86
caregiving weather, precautions, 104
tiredness, of parent, 27, 28, 33, 95 wishes for the future, 163-165
of infant, 68, 73, 91, 92, 95, 96 wishful thinking, vs. reality, 73,
toddlers, 137, 138 152
in groups, 130, 198—200 work, of parent(s), xii, 17, 18, 145
testing rules, 114, 115 on-site infant care facility, 148
toilet training, 139-141 World Health Organization study,
toys. See play objects 188
tooth brushing, 200
traveling, 59

220
 Order Form

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__ copies of DEAR PARENT ($15.95+$3 shipping=$18.95)

(California residents add $1.32 for sales tax = $20.27)

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eee eee
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RESOURCES FOR INFANT EDUCARERS
1550 Murray Circle
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Fax orders: (323) 663-5586

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Web page order: www.RIE.org
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 About RIE

Bee once: FOR INFANT EDUCARERS (RIE™), founded

in 1978 by Magda Gerber and Tom Forrest, M.D., is a non-profit
membership organization concerned with improving the care and
education of infants. RIE offers parent-infant observation and
guidance classes, public workshops and conferences, training for
professionals, and consultations to and accreditation of infant care
centers. Other resources include books, a quarterly newsletter,
audiotapes, and videos.
For those wishing to understand and use the RIE philosophy
of respect in their life or work, RIE offers a basic course introduc-
ing principles and practices. The training is for directors, teachers,
therapists, nurses, consultants, and all those who want to deepen
their understanding of infant development, care, and education.
Two advanced mentored courses—a practicum, and a three-part
apprenticeship—complete the training. Certified RIE graduates,
called RIE Associates, are then eligible for membership in the RIE
Alliance, a professional organization for peer review and support.
For more information, contact:
Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE)
1550 Murray Circle, Los Angeles, CA 90026
(323) 663-5330, FAX (323) 663-5586
website: www.RIE.org, email: Educarer@RIE.org

By becoming a general member of RIE, you can participate

in RIE’s efforts to improve the quality of infant care and help
enrich the lives of infants and their families in our communities.
Infant Care/Child Development
/Parenting

Infant specialist MAGDA GERBER

shares the wisdom of her life’s work.

Magda’s many years

of thoughtful observation and experience
help you to seea baby’s capabilities and needs
and to develop a way of relating sensitively
to the infant you are caring for.
Short chapters make it easy to find helpful and
reassuring information about life with newborns
and in later developmental stages of infancy.
TWO NEW CHAPTERS
show how RIE’s respectful method of “Educaring”
within a one-on-one authentic, trusting relationship IF YOU CARE
can be applied not only at home FOR INFANTS,
but also in center-based care THIS BOOK
and in a family child care setting. IS FOR YOU!

“Magda Gerber shows us how. to raise healthy

human beings. Her voice is clear and wise.”
53Ronald Lally, Ed.D. Co-Director, Center for Child
and Family Studies at WestEd

“This little book is going to make a big difference

in your life. You'll find answers to your questions,
approaches to your problems, and peace in
your heart. Thank you, Magda!”
Janet Gonzalez-Mena Co-Author, “Infants, Toddlers,
and Caregivers”

‘LS/CAT: Course Ref

ECE Refer
TITLE: DEAR PARENT: CARIN VENDOR: RIE
THOR: GERBER
07/13/09

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© [RescurceslorInfant
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2°8 236006