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Books Psychology Mating in Captivity
Mating in Captivity
Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
by Esther Perel 2017 272 pages
4.18 41k+ ratings
Psychology Relationships Self Help
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Key Takeaways
1. Eroticism thrives on the space
between partners
Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism
thrives in the space between the self and the other.
The paradox of intimacy and desire. While love seeks closeness and
security, desire needs mystery and uncertainty to flourish. This tension
creates a fundamental challenge in long-term relationships. Partners must
learn to balance their need for connection with maintaining a sense of
separateness and individuality.
Maintaining mystery in familiarity. Couples can cultivate eroticism by:
Preserving personal space and interests outside the relationship
Avoiding over-sharing or constant togetherness
Embracing the inherent otherness of their partner
Creating opportunities for novelty and surprise within the relationship
By acknowledging that we can never fully know or possess our partner, we
keep alive the spark of curiosity and desire that fuels eroticism.
2. Intimacy and desire often conflict in
long-term relationships
There is no such thing as "safe sex."
The comfort-passion dilemma. As relationships deepen, partners often
prioritize emotional intimacy, security, and predictability. However, these
very qualities can dampen erotic desire, which thrives on novelty, risk, and
the unknown.
Strategies for rekindling desire:
Cultivate individual growth and pursuits
Embrace playfulness and humor in the relationship
Create opportunities for mystery and surprise
Discuss and explore each other's fantasies
Challenge the notion that passion must fade with time
Recognizing that intimacy and desire can be at odds allows couples to
actively work on maintaining both aspects of their relationship, rather than
sacrificing one for the other.
3. Fantasy plays a crucial role in
sustaining desire
Fantasy expresses the problem and provides the solution.
The power of imagination. Sexual fantasies are not mere compensation for
unfulfilled desires, but a rich imaginative resource that can enhance both
individual sexuality and couple dynamics. They allow us to explore desires,
overcome inhibitions, and add excitement to our erotic lives.
Embracing fantasy in relationships:
Recognize that fantasies don't necessarily reflect real-life wishes
Share fantasies with partners to increase intimacy and excitement
Use role-play or scenarios to bring fantasies into the bedroom
Understand that fantasies can provide psychological healing and
empowerment
By accepting and exploring our fantasies, we tap into a powerful source of
erotic energy that can reinvigorate long-term relationships.
4. Parenthood can challenge but doesn't
have to destroy eroticism
When we are emotionally and sexually satisfied (at least
reasonably so; let's not get carried away here), we allow our
children to experience their own independence with freedom
and support.
Balancing parental and erotic identities. The transition to parenthood often
leads to a decline in sexual satisfaction as couples struggle with new
responsibilities, fatigue, and changing roles. However, maintaining a vibrant
erotic life is crucial for both individual well-being and relationship
satisfaction.
Strategies for preserving eroticism:
Prioritize couple time and date nights
Maintain individual identities beyond parental roles
Communicate openly about sexual needs and desires
Create clear boundaries between parental and sexual spaces
Embrace quickies and spontaneous moments of connection
By actively working to maintain their erotic connection, parents can model
healthy relationships for their children while nurturing their own bond.
5. Acknowledging the "shadow of the
third" can enhance relationships
All relationships live in the shadow of the third, for it is the
other that solders our dyad.
The role of otherness in desire. The presence of potential alternatives or
"the third" (real or imagined) can actually strengthen a couple's bond by
reminding partners of their choice to be together and reigniting desire.
Incorporating the third constructively:
Discuss attractions to others openly and without judgment
Use jealousy as a tool for self-reflection and growth
Engage in healthy flirtation or admiration of others
Explore role-play or fantasy scenarios involving others
Recognize that commitment is a daily choice, not a given
By acknowledging the reality of outside attractions, couples can
paradoxically increase their sense of security and passion within the
relationship.
6. Consensual nonmonogamy offers an
alternative to traditional fidelity
Monogamy is a kind of moral nexus, a keyhole through
which we can spy on our preoccupations.
Redefining fidelity. For some couples, exploring consensual nonmonogamy
can be a way to address desires for novelty and excitement while
maintaining a strong emotional commitment to their primary relationship.
Considerations for ethical nonmonogamy:
Open and honest communication about boundaries and expectations
Emotional maturity and strong sense of self
Willingness to confront jealousy and insecurity
Regular check-ins and renegotiation of agreements
Prioritizing the primary relationship
While not for everyone, consensual nonmonogamy challenges us to
examine our assumptions about love, commitment, and sexuality, potentially
leading to greater self-awareness and relationship satisfaction.
7. Intentionality and effort are key to
maintaining passion
Committed sex is intentional sex.
The myth of spontaneity. Many couples believe that great sex should "just
happen" spontaneously, but this expectation often leads to disappointment
and neglect of their erotic life. Cultivating a satisfying sex life requires
deliberate effort and planning.
Strategies for intentional eroticism:
Schedule regular date nights or sexy time
Create anticipation through flirting and teasing throughout the day
Experiment with new activities, locations, or scenarios
Invest in creating a sensual environment (e.g., music, lighting, scents)
Prioritize self-care and personal attractiveness
By approaching their erotic life with the same intentionality they bring to
other important aspects of life, couples can maintain passion and
excitement over the long term.
8. Cultural messages shape our attitudes
towards sex and eroticism
Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love.
Navigating conflicting cultural narratives. Our society sends mixed
messages about sexuality, simultaneously promoting hedonistic pursuits
and puritanical values. This creates internal conflicts and shame around
desire, particularly within committed relationships.
Overcoming cultural conditioning:
Examine personal beliefs about sex and their origins
Challenge internalized shame or guilt around pleasure
Embrace a sex-positive attitude that values pleasure and connection
Discuss cultural influences with partners to increase understanding
Seek out sex-positive education and resources
By becoming aware of and challenging limiting cultural messages,
individuals and couples can develop healthier, more fulfilling erotic lives.
9. Affairs often stem from unmet needs
within relationships
Affairs are motivated by myriad forces; not all of them are
directly related to flaws in the marriage.
Understanding infidelity. While affairs can be devastating, they often
reveal important information about unmet needs or dynamics within the
primary relationship. Examining the motivations behind infidelity can lead to
growth and healing, whether the couple stays together or not.
Factors contributing to affairs:
Desire for novelty and excitement
Unmet emotional or sexual needs
Coping mechanism for personal or relationship stress
Search for lost parts of self
Rebellion against relationship constraints
By approaching infidelity with curiosity rather than just moral judgment,
couples can gain insights that may ultimately strengthen their relationship
or help them make informed decisions about their future.
10. Reclaiming individual sexuality
strengthens couples
For women, much more than for men, sexuality exists along
what the Italian historian Francesco Alberoni calls a
"principle of continuity."
The importance of sexual autonomy. Many individuals, particularly women,
lose touch with their own sexuality within long-term relationships, relying
solely on their partner for sexual validation and excitement. Reclaiming
one's individual sexual self can revitalize both personal and couple
eroticism.
Steps to reclaim sexuality:
Explore personal fantasies and desires
Practice self-pleasure and masturbation
Cultivate sensuality in daily life
Pursue individual growth and interests
Communicate desires and boundaries clearly with partners
By nurturing their individual sexuality, partners bring renewed energy and
authenticity to their shared erotic life, creating a more vibrant and satisfying
relationship.
Last updated: July 23, 2024
Review Summary
4.18 out of 5
Average of 41k+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.
Mating in Captivity explores the tension between desire and
intimacy in long-term relationships. Perel argues that familiarity can
diminish passion, suggesting couples create emotional distance to
reignite erotic spark. While some readers found her insights
enlightening, others criticized her emphasis on creating distance over
emotional connection. The book offers case studies and
unconventional advice, sparking both praise and controversy. Some
readers appreciated Perel's non-judgmental approach and unique
perspective, while others found the content repetitive or potentially
harmful to relationships.
About the Author
Esther Perel is a renowned psychotherapist and author specializing
in relationships and sexuality. Her bestselling book, Mating in
Captivity, has been translated into 25 languages. Perel is known for
her innovative approach to modern relationships, challenging
traditional paradigms. She is a sought-after speaker and consultant
for Fortune 500 companies, addressing topics such as erotic
intelligence and team collaboration. Perel's work has been featured in
major media outlets worldwide, and her TED talk on relationships has
garnered millions of views. In addition to her private practice in New
York City, she teaches at NYU Medical Center and Columbia
University.
