'They Done Her In' from My Fair Lady
Character name: Eliza Doolittle
Gender: Female
Age Range: 17 — 30
Show: My Fair Lady
Duration: 0 — 1 minutes
Monologue Type: comedic
Notes: None
My aunt died of influenza, so they said. But it's my belief they done the
old woman in. Yes Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza when
she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue
with it she was. They all thought she was dead. But my father, he kept
ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden that she bit
the bowl off the spoon. Now, what would you call a woman with that
strength in her have to die of influenza, and what become of her new
straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it, and
what I say is, them that pinched it, done her in. Them she lived with
would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. And as for father
ladling the gin down her throat, it wouldn't have killed her. Not her. Gin
was as mother's milk to her. Besides, he's poured so much down his own
throat that he knew the good of it.
AN IDEAL HUSBAND
A monologue from the play by Oscar Wilde
MABEL CHILTERN: Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really
does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last night in the
music-room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate
trio going on. I didn't dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly
tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical
people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one toz be
perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be
absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this
morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things
that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police
should interfere. At luncheon I saw by the glare in his eye that he was
going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time by
assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don't know what
bimetallism means. And I don't believe anybody else does either. But
the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite
shocked. And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he
proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might
produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid
confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one
just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of
proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to
him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to
any one, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts
some attention.
EVE'S DIARY
A monologue from the book by Mark Twain
NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Eve's Diary. Mark Twain. New
York: Harper & Brothers, 1906.
EVE: We are getting along very well now, Adam and I, and getting
better and better acquainted. He does not try to avoid me any more,
which is a good sign, and shows that he likes to have me with him. That
pleases me, and I study to be useful to him in every way I can, so as to
increase his regard. During the last day or two I have taken all the work
of naming things off his hands, and this has been a great relief to him,
for he has no gift in that line, and is evidently very grateful. He can't
think of a rational name to save him, but I do not let him see that I am
aware of his defect. Whenever a new creature comes along I name it
before he has time to expose himself by an awkward silence. In this
way I have saved him many embarrassments. I have no defect like this.
The minute I set eyes on an animal I know what it is. I don't have to
reflect a moment; the right name comes out instantly, just as if it were
an inspiration, as no doubt it is, for I am sure it wasn't in me half a
minute before. I seem to know just by the shape of the creature and
the way it acts what animal it is. When the dodo came along he
thought it was a wildcat--I saw it in his eye. But I saved him. And I was
careful not to do it in a way that could hurt his pride. I just spoke up in a
quite natural way of pleasing surprise, and not as if I was dreaming of
conveying information, and said, "Well, I do declare, if there isn't the
dodo!" I explained--without seeming to be explaining--how I know it for
a dodo, and although I thought maybe he was a little piqued that I
knew the creature when he didn't, it was quite evident that he admired
me. That was very agreeable, and I thought of it more than once with
gratification before I slept. How little a thing can make us happy when
we feel that we have earned it!
