are you

ready for
 TA B L E OF C ON T E N T S
S U M M E R 2024

10 EDITOR’S LETTER 14 CONTRIBUTORS BLUEPRINT 16 I AM A WELLNESS ASSHOLE NOW by Dave Holmes 20

THE MAN WHO BROKE BREAKING by Josh Rosenberg 24 “DUMB” TECH STRIKES BACK by Luke Guillory 27 BETTER OFF DAD:

A FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL 33 BEYOND THE BEACH by Jonathan Evans 34 WATCHES: THE NEW BREITLING ORBITER by Nick

Sullivan 36 DAVID YURMAN’S NEXT-LEVEL JEWELRY by Jonathan Evans 38 ON DECK SHOES by Jonathan Evans 40 CANALI

CHILLS OUT by Nick Sullivan 42 FASHION FOR YOUR FACE by Garrett Munce 44 THE GLASSES I’VE WORN FOREVER by Guy

Trebay E S S A Y S 46 THE RAP-MUSIC PARADOX by Mitchell S. Jackson 48 HOW I THREW MY FIRST PUNCH by Scott Huler

55 THE SECOND COMING OF THE POLITICAL CONVENTION by Charles P. Pierce F E A T U R E S 58 BILL SKARSGÅRD, SCARY
GOOD by Madison Vain 70 WHAT I’VE LEARNED: STEPHEN KING 72 HEIRS TO THE DRAGON THRONE—A STYLE PORTFOLIO by

Brady Langmann 82 THE BEST BARS IN AMERICA 2024 90 ALOHA: THE NEW PHARRELL + VUITTON COLLAB by Jonathan Evans

94 INSIDE THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL SLAP FIGHTING by Ander Monson 106 ESQUIRE ENDORSES: SECOND DINNERS

ON ESQUIRE.COM RIGHT NOW: A DRINK AND A STORY

_

Through the Napkin

Project, Esquire’s long-
running flash-fiction
series, notable authors
write short stories on
cocktail napkins. This
spring, we gave them
a prompt: “Write a
love story.” Jess Walter
responded with this sly
barroom tale here. Log
on to Esquire.com to
read hundreds of napkin
fiction stories, going all
the way back to 2007.

ON THE COVER
PHILIP FRIEDMAN

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DAD-ISMS
Fathers love to distill life
lessons into often-repeated
sayings or mottoes. Sure, you “Don’t underestimate
got tired of hearing them, but people. Give them a
in time you realized maybe the MICHAEL SEBASTIAN HEARST MAGAZINES ADVERTISING chance to impress you.”
old man knew a thing or two. INDUSTRY LEADERSHIP
EDITOR IN CHIEF
In the spirit of Father’s Day, we PATRICIA HAEGELE_Food, Pharma, Liquor, CPG, and Pet
asked our staff to complete NICK SULLIVAN_Creative Director HALEY BACHMANN_Fashion and Luxury
this sentence: As my dad ELIZABETH WEBBE LUNNY_Beauty, Wellness, and Mass Retail
always said, “__________.”
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CHRIS PEEL_Travel, Tech, Finance, and Outdoor
Not something he
CATEGORY LEADERS said but something
“It’s not the size CORIANNE CARROLL, KAREN DEUTSCH, DAN FUCHS, CHRISTINE L. HALL, he does. When my
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the fight, it’s the DAVID HAMILTON, RW HORTON, BRIDGET MCGUIRE, COURTNEY PAPPAS, always wears a
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size of the fight SARA RAD, JULIE SPITALNICK, BILL UPTON, JOHN WATTIKER blazer. Quick flights.
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8
 L E T T E R F R O M T H E E D I T O R ___________________________________________________________

Father
Figures

BY LATE AFTERNOON AT CHURCHILL DOWNS, I’D LOST TRACK is to teach him how to master his world while knowing he’ll get hurt,”
of the number of bourbon drinks I had consumed. There were icy mint Bissell writes. “Raising a daughter can and should be about that, too,
juleps by the bucketload and more than a few Old Foresters on the with the added trick of making her aware that the world will seek to hurt
rocks. I was feeling pretty damn good. her in far subtler ways. The little boy’s mastery will be applauded, but
My wife, Sally, and I had left the kids with Grandma and Grandpa the little girl’s mastery will often be resisted.” I think about this line at
and traveled to Louisville for the 150th running of the Kentucky Derby. least once a day while parenting my two girls.
This was Oaks Day, the Friday before the Derby, during which the guests In the summer issue of Esquire, we have a fun, irreverent package start-
wear pink for the main event: the running of the three-year-old fillies (in ing on page 27 about how to be a dad—not a father. My contribution is a
other words, young-girl horses). It was our first time at the Derby, only short piece about the unexpected joy of becoming my father. Whether he
my third time at a horse track, and none of our bets had paid off yet. knows it or not, my dad has given me a map for life—as both a father and
As guests of Longines, the official timekeeper of the Derby, we got to join a man. But he’s not the only father figure in my life. My older brother has
the CEO and watch the Oaks from a grassy area right next to the track. That filled that role. So have uncles, teachers, coaches, bosses, and my late
required crossing the dirt raceway. It had been raining on and off all day, so father-in-law, John. My mom, too. You don’t have to have a Y chromo-
the track was sopping-wet mud. My wife took off her high heels and walked some, or be a father, to help bring up a man.
barefoot. I decided to brave it in my loafers, which became caked in mud and On our last night in Louisville, I was reminded of another father figure
horse shit. I’m not sure a cobbler can ever restore them, and I’m not sure I in my life. Late in the evening after the Derby, Sally and I decided to have
care. That’s historic mud and shit right there! And the thrill of feeling the fil- a nightcap at the hotel bar. I wanted one last taste of Kentucky bourbon,
lies pound right past us and hearing the hundred thousand spectators roar and my eyes landed on a Manhattan, which I hadn’t had in years. Soon I
more than made up for one ruined pair of shoes. It’s now a core memory. got down to the bottom of my drink, where the cherry awaited. I popped
I never take these types of experiences for granted. But they often it in my mouth, and the bourbon-soaked sweetness unleashed a powerful
mean leaving my two daughters for stretches of time. I haven’t celebrat- memory. My grandfather, my dad’s dad, drank Manhattans at home. And
ed a Father’s Day at home in five years, because Men’s Fashion Week in when I was a boy, he’d let me eat the cherries from the bottom of his glass.
Milan always falls in the middle of June. So I always spend part of that day As an eight-year-old, I must have caught a nice buzz. He’s been dead nearly
reading Esquire.com, which has a trove of stories about fatherhood. My twenty-five years, but the taste of that cherry in a Louisville hotel bar
favorite is an essay by Tom Bissell about raising daughters. “To raise a son brought me right back to his kitchen. —Michael Sebastian

10 S U M M E R 2024 P H OTO G R A P H B Y G U Y A RO C H
 T H E WATC H M A K E R
O F WATC H M A K E R S

POLARIS
N ew Yor k | The Fo r um Sh o ps | Sou t h Co a st P la z a | B eve rl y Hi l l s | Yo rkda l e Sh op pi ng Cent re
 01

CONTRIBUTORS

ANDER MONSON (01) is a wuss. her best advice for soon-to-be dads
(Self-proclaimed! Esquire, Sum- is to do their own homework.
PHULVVXH 7KDWRQO\DPSOL¿HGKLV “Your pregnant wife doesn’t have
curiosity about the emerging sport to do all the research, you know?
RISURIHVVLRQDOVODS¿JKWLQJLQ Do it yourself. Is it nontoxic? How
02
which, yes, two men take turns easily does this stroller fold up? If
slapping each other in the face as you’re buying something, you need
hard as they can. In our feature to do due diligence.”
story on the subject on page 94, the ___
author and poet travels to two Photographer and director GUY
VODS¿JKWLQJHYHQWVLQ/DV9HJDV AROCH (04) returns to the pages of
and Oklahoma City, to witness the Esquire this summer with photos of
action himself and talk to some key Ewan Mitchell and Tom
players, including SlapFIGHT Glynn-Carney, the stars of HBO’s
Championship CEO JT Tilley, the House of the Dragon, which run
JRGIDWKHURISURVODS¿JKWLQJ alongside an interview with them,
03 Monson is the author of nine books starting on page 72. Over the course
and the editor of the magazine of his career, his photographs have
Diagram, and teaches writing at been featured in magazines includ-
the University of Arizona. ing Interview, British Vogue, and
___ Harper’s Bazaar Taiwan, as well as
DAVE HOLMES (02) is not embar- in work for brands such as Coca-
rassed to admit that he’s a wellness Cola, Hugo Boss, Gucci, Disney,
asshole now. In his column on and Adidas, to name a few. He has
page 16, he regrets to inform you photographed celebrities like Ryan
that all the cold-plunging and Reynolds, Jessica Chastain, and
04
microdosing and biohacking that Brad Pitt, and was also responsible
WKHLQÀXHQFHUVDUHWRXWLQJDFWXDOO\ for Esquire’s April/May 2022 cover
works. A longtime Esquire editor shoot starring Oscar Isaac...
at large, the writer, performer, including, yes, that viral photo of
SRGFDVWKRVWDQGIRUPHU0799- Isaac spitting water.
wrote our most recent digital cover ___
story, on comedian Jerrod Carmi- Everyone within the pages of this

C A RY N L E I G H P O S N A N S K Y ( D AV E H O L M E S ) . C O U R T E S Y S U B J E CT S ( R E M A I N I N G ) .
chael, and has a delightful and magazine looks sharp. Tailored,
popular new podcast out now steamed clothes, in the right sizes,
called Who Killed the Video Star? with the right accessories, in shoes
The Story of MTV. WKDW¿W7KDW¶VLQQRVPDOOSDUW
___ thanks to Esquire’s fashion assis-
KRISTA JONES (03) knows what tant, ANDREA RIOS (05), who makes
you’re buying before you do. As sure every garment is where it
Esquire’s commerce director, needs to be, when it needs to be,
Jones is a brand encyclopedia and whether that’s on Aaron Taylor-
Dyson expert, and she’s probably Johnson at Bannerman Castle in
tested out more mattresses than upstate New York or on Bill Skars-
you’ll ever sleep on in your entire gård for the cover story for this
life. In our special package on issue (page 58). Her number-one
fatherhood, on page 27, she runs styling tip at the moment? Don’t
down the items that every dad neglect the socks. “I love a sparkly
needs in his arsenal. Jones is cur- or sheer sock for a man. It adds
05
UHQWO\H[SHFWLQJKHU¿UVWFKLOGDQG some intrigue.”

RULE NO. 921 Your kids are right about 55.9 percent of the things you think
14 they’re wrong about.
_ YOUR GUIDE TO A LIFE WELL LIVED

tally took a gummy 30 minutes after I’d already

I Am a Wellness taken one, which had a side effect of sending me

out to my backyard to feel the sun on my face and
listen to the first three R.E.M. albums in order.)

Asshole Now There is just a mild chill and a slight reduction in my

tendency to get in my own goddamn way. It’s like if
Whole Foods made Lexapro.

The only thing more excruciating than soaking in a tub of freezing-cold THE PEPTIDES AND NAD + ASSHOLE
water is telling people it actually works. BY DAVE HOLMES After a certain age, American men are known to
worry about their testosterone level, and that age
is birth. Accordingly, a number of companies
TO BE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN SOUTHERN hot stove). You lose your breath, you shiver, you geared toward keeping us T’d up have entered the
California is to find yourself saying, with alarming think, Wellness influencers, now you’re just making men’s telehealth marketplace. My favorite is a
frequency, “Yeah, I’m one of those assholes now.” shit up. But then your body begins to warm itself hormone-optimization company called Blokes; it
If you’ve come from somewhere else—somewhere up. You feel a light euphoria. Your breathing slows. sends a phlebotomist to your house to collect your
more corn-fed and homespun and other synonyms Yes, these are all symptoms of mild hypothermia, blood, which is then run through a million tests
for unhealthy—you may adopt a wholesome habit but so what? Think back to when Leonardo DiCap- to determine which hormones are, I guess, pes-
out here. You may reap physical and emotional rio let go of that door in Titanic. Wasn’t his skin simized. In my consultation Zoom, Blokes’ resi-
benefits, and you will be clowned to death by your glowing? Didn’t you walk out of the multiplex feel- dent doctor told me my testosterone level is
friends from home. CrossFit, breath work, bull- ing great about his inflammation level? actually pretty high for a guy my age, a piece of
shitting through a gratitude journal—I’ve tried them I’m a believer, so much so that I’ve invited my news I reacted to by immediately writing it in this
all. Some have had a positive impact on my life; neighbors and friends: Come jump in this thing any- column. But there was still room for improvement;
others have given me items to sell on OfferUp. (I’m time. They have stopped returning my texts. he suggested a peptide called sermorelin to stim-
looking at you, matcha stirring bowl.) ulate my pituitary gland, plus regular injections
This year has been especially busy on the humil- THE MICRODOSING ASSHOLE of NAD+ to aid in the formation of . . . something
iatingly-healthy-habits front. Maybe it’s a post-Covid This year, I also started popping a 0.25mg gummy in my cells. I don’t really remember, because I was
focus on fitness, or a more robust wellness market- of psilocybin, the active ingredient in what pro- using most of my brainpower to be psyched about
place, or the fact that I hit my 50s and need to get grams like D.A.R.E. used to call magic mushrooms. the testosterone. You’ll notice how much more
that shit started now if I want to live forever. What- Microdosing is popular with the world’s most tire- clearly I’m thinking when I pull you aside to share
ever the reason, 2024 has been a boom time for some tech bros, and I’ve tried it on and off for a my T-level story.
people who want to sell wellness stuff to Dave few years. I used to buy capsules from the shroom So I am here to tell you the health claims about
Holmes, and the truth is that a lot of it works. Here’s distributor Some Guy My Friend Knows, which these mildly embarrassing pursuits are mostly true.
an incomplete list of the kinds of assholes I am now. would mail them from Brooklyn once a month in The benefits they promise—better sleep, lower cor-

THE COLD-PLUNGE ASSHOLE

You’ve seen this on Instagram: some hot, smiling AFTER MICRODOSING, there is just a MILD CHILL and
person submerged in ice-cold water, telling you
how painful yet invigorating it is. Hello, I’m one of a slight reduction in my tendency to get in my own
those assholes now. I acquired a cold-plunge tub GODDAMN WAY. It’s like if Whole Foods made Lexapro.
from a company called Plunge—immersion in cold
water does not enhance your creative-naming skills.
For 30 days and counting, I have voluntarily iced an empty Whitney Houston or Michael Bolton cas- tisol levels due to reduced stress, higher energy,
myself in it, and the only thing more excruciating sette case, to throw off the authorities and because and more-positive moods—are real. But so is this:
is telling you I love it. My energy level is higher, my my guy had a flair for presentation. These benefits, and so many more, can be achieved
moods more stable, my skin tighter, and my neigh- Now my gummies come from a company called by simply not drinking alcohol, something this elec-
bors get to hear me make an unpleasant gasping Psilouette—mushrooms do enhance your creative- tion season will make it nearly impossible to do.
noise as I throw my body in each morning. naming skills—so they feel more official and less I’m sticking myself with a needle weekly now. I
Like so much that is good for you, a cold plunge potentially scary. I microdose most mornings, and wake up more refreshed, my brain is less foggy,
is agony at first. You are, after all, participating in I’m afraid the tech bros are correct. There’s no and I’m much harder to run away from at parties.
an activity from which your body will reflexively druggy feeling; I see no fractals; the sky doesn’t But what do I know? I’m not a doctor. I’m just a
recoil (opposite but equal to putting a hand on a inhale and exhale with me. (Fine, I once acciden- guy whose T level is actually pretty high.

16 I L LU ST R AT I O N B Y M AT T M A H U R I N
T R E A T I N G E V E R Y G A M E L I K E H I S F I R S T.
GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO WEARS THE NAVITIMER.
blueprint _ person of _ interest

the man who

broke
br eaking

Breaking
(aka
breakdancing)
is making
its Olympic
debut in
Paris this summer.
Victor Montalvo,
the top American
competitor,
is fighting for not only
a GOLD MEDAL but also
the SURVIVAL of the sport.
BY JOSH ROSENBERG

WHEN VICTOR MONTALVO’S SHOULDERS HIT THE FLOOR, THEY since you originally watched You Got Served). In August, the 30-year-old will
glide. He’s a whirlpool, spinning round and round, pulling you closer with represent Team USA at the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris.
every impossible rotation. If you didn’t know better, you’d think the floor— “I honestly don’t have rivals,” Montalvo tells me in a video interview a few
not Victor—was revolving. He pivots from his back to standing on his head to months before he takes the global stage. And there’s not a hint of ego in his
a full 360 degree spin on the palm of his left hand. voice. The man hardly blinks, and his head is perpetually tilted ever so slightly
This is the world-champion breaker’s signature move: the Super to the side, sizing me up as if I were his next opponent. Pity the poor schmucks
Montalvo. who have to face him in the Olympics.
It’s cheeky, cocky, and a downright nuclear weapon that has made Mon- Montalvo has earned his unmitigated confidence. In his career, he’s won
talvo the face of breaking (or breakdancing—the sport has enjoyed a rebrand every major international breaking competition in the world. He is the reign-

20 P H OTO G R A P H S B Y L AU R E L G O L I O
 blueprint _ person of _ interest

ing gold medalist at the World Games, a two-time cham- trend throughout Mexico, performing across the coun-
VICTOR
pion of Red Bull BC One, and the most recent winner of try before giving it up and moving to the United States.
the WDSF World Breaking Championship. Quite simply, Back then, you couldn’t make much money in the break-
MONTALVO’S
he broke breaking. After a while, though, even winning ing world. FAVORITE
felt repetitive. Montalvo lost the love of the sport . . . but For Montalvo, it’s a whole new ball game. When he BREAKING
that didn’t last long. “I already did everything I wanted was just six years old, his father pointed at the screen as MOVIES
to do in my breaking career,” he says. “I just got bored the family watched the breaking film Beat Street and said, Three classics of the
of it. It felt like a never-ending cycle. Same events each “Look, I used to do this back in the day.” Montalvo burst genre to watch before
year, every year. Like, man, I want something new.” out laughing. Bermudez wasn’t joking; he put on a hoodie the sport’s Olympic
When Montalvo heard that the International Olym- and started “busting out head spins and windmills,” Mon- throw-down
pic Committee (IOC) had added breaking to the slate, talvo recalls. “We thought, Wow, this is amazing.”
his passion was instantly reinvigorated. Another moun- As the story goes, Montalvo and his cousin, who goes
tain to climb. Another nation to conquer. He remem- by Static, joined a crew in Kissimmee, Florida, at a time
bers thinking, Perfect. That’s another goal I can achieve.
His chances of taking home the gold medal are extremely
good. David “Kid David” Schreibman, a breaking leg-
end and Red Bull commentator, recently told Rolling
Stone, “[There’s not] another competitive breaker who
is as consistent and has the full package.” Montalvo
blends the Tasmanian Devil’s unhinged energy with STYLE WARS (1983)
Allen Iverson’s creativity. But for all of his aplomb, a “Style Wars is a graffiti
documentary, but it’s really
win in Paris would mean more than just another hearty
dope because it talks about
chuckle from his throne. He’s fighting for the survival the culture of breaking and
of the sport itself. just hip-hop in general.”
Breaking is a little different today from what it was in
its ’80s heyday. B-boys no longer crowd the street cor-
ners of the Bronx, where the sport originated. In the early
aughts, Red Bull provided an upgrade by organizing a
competition among eight elite crews, who were fighting
for a $4,000 grand prize. That paved the way for the
global BC One event that Montalvo has won twice. Now
P B S ( S T Y L E WA R S ) . I M A G E E N T E R TA I N M E N T ( T H E F R E S H E S T K I D S ) . W I L D S T Y L E P R O D U CT I O N S ( W I L D S T Y L E ) .

the energy-drink company sponsors him. Modern con-

tests feature one-on-one battles on a dance floor—with
each breaker taking roughly one-minute turns, trying to
Montalvo first found breaking-world success in 2011, THE FRESHEST KIDS:
outperform their opponent. As in rhythmic gymnastics conquering a Red Bull cypher event in St. Petersburg, Florida.
A HISTORY OF THE
He was just 17 years old.
and figure skating, judges score their performances and B-BOY (2002)
announce a winner. In Paris, Montalvo will compete “The Freshest Kids is a
against 15 other international B-boys, all likely just as when breakdancing was big in the state. “I would sneak documentary about the origins
of breaking and what it means
revved up as him. “It’s new, evolved, refreshed, and out of my house to go to different events around Florida,
to be a breaker. Hopefully,
refined. I just can’t wait to showcase it at the Olympics,” sometimes out of state, and [my father] would let me get after the Olympics, they’ll
Montalvo says of his sport. “They thought it was stuck in away with that because I was doing something positive,” have a little breaking
the ’80s. Hopefully we’ll change that.” Montalvo remembers. “My dad was always on the side- documentary. We need a new
one for this day and age.”
At the 2024 Olympics, breaking will be featured along- lines. He supported me 100 percent. He tells me all the
side surfing, sport climbing, and skateboarding—four time, ‘I’m living my dreams through you.’ ”
events that IOC president Thomas Bach hopes will bring The Olympics is an event in which tradition meets inno-
in Gen Z viewers. Still, breaking is only a guest in Paris. It vation, and according to Montalvo, that’s exactly what
won’t appear in the 2028 Summer Games in Los Angeles— sets him apart from the competition. “I love keeping the
the IOC made the decision before Montalvo could show- tradition of breaking alive,” he says. “Your body is the
case his talents this summer. But if anyone can capitalize instrument, and you’re bringing that instrument out.” He
on this opportunity to convince the IOC to bring breaking adds, “I love seeing people’s faces after they watch me
to the 2032 Brisbane Olympics, Montalvo believes it’s him. dance. Like, God, this is so incredible.”
Serving as an ambassador for his sport is a calling. “This Speaking to Montalvo, you can tell that standing still is a
is something that I never would’ve thought I would be, burden. It’s easier for him to spin—to point his feet to the WILD STYLE (1983)
but I have to,” he says. sky, stopping only to taunt his opponents with picture- “That’s a movie,” Montalvo
says about the hip-hop
Breaking is in Montalvo’s DNA. In the ’80s, his father perfect freezes. At the moment, he’s all smiles. More often,
film starring the famous
and uncle, Victor and Hector Bermudez, were big-time he’s smirking. “I understand the formula now,” Montalvo Rock Steady Crew. “Watch
B-boys. The Bermudez twins helped popularize the dance says of the road ahead. “Beat the system.” that one.”

23
blueprint _ gear

“Dumb” Tech
Strikes Back
Fed up with the tyranny of smartphone life,
more people are embracing turn-of-the-
millennium technology. Here are the best
gadgets for those ready to get retro.
_
BY LUKE GUILLORY

WHILE HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS ON A

recent visit home to Atlanta, I mentioned casually
that I was “dumbphone curious.” To my surprise,
one tech-obsessed pal—she’s employed by a Web3
art collective and gets paid in cryptocurrency—
quickly said the same. Then two others pulled out
matching flip phones that looked very 2004. A
group of terminally online Gen Zers talking about
going back to a technology we barely remember?
It couldn’t be a coincidence.
Turns out, my friends and I are part of a grow- 01
ing movement to embrace less-than-smart media.
Call it streaming fatigue. Or maybe it’s just a long-
ing for a simpler time. But people are choosing to
ditch their $1,000 smartphones—and the hours 02
of mindless scrolling—for more intentional media
consumption. And consumer electronics compa-
nies are responding by rewinding to 2000s-style
gadgets. These products aren’t fully dumb, more
like almost-analog. I tested a bunch and found
four retro devices that stood above the rest.
01_Panasonic Blu-ray Player: You’re paying
how much a month for Hulu, Netflix, and Max?
Not us. We’re watching weird director’s cuts with
no commercials—for just $2.99 per disc on eBay.
This 4K Blu-ray player has multiple video play-
back options, high-res audio, voice assist, and just
the right amount of old-meets-new. $250
03 04
02_Nokia 2780 Flip: Take calls, send simple
texts, and snap low-resolution pictures with this
Nokia flip-phone remake—then snap it closed with-
out ever getting sucked into TikTok. $90
03_Leica SOFORT 2: This half-digital, half-
Polaroid-style point-and-shoot makes it easy to
share photos to your phone via Bluetooth if you
PROP STYLING: SHANE KLEIN

need to put them on Instagram. Or, even better, PURE AND SIMPLE: THE LIGHT PHONE II
print an actual picture and give it to a friend. $389
04_Sony Walkman: Sony updated its Walkman If you’re burned-out on your smartphone but not eager to return to the clamshell era, there
line in 2023 with this sleek device. Buy a digital al- is a third way. Consider the Light Phone II, a tiny, featherlight brick with an electronic-
bum from your favorite band, load up your MP3 paper touch screen. Created by a Brooklyn start-up, the first Light Phone shipped in 2017
as a true dumbphone: call-only. The Light Phone II debuted in 2019 with the ability to call,
or WAV files, listen with wired headphones or Blue- text, and serve as a personal hotspot. What it doesn’t have? A web browser, social apps,
tooth, and look fucking cool doing it. $350 email, or blue light. Think of it as Zen in the palm of your hand. $299; thelightphone.com

24 P H OTO G R A P H B Y E L I S C H M I DT
© 2023 Seiko Watch of America. SPB381
 PROMOTION

SEIKO

DISCOVER PUERTO RICO

 blueprint _ fatherhood

all. ¶ Our radical suggestion? Don’t do it. Don’t become a father.

saying the word father. Bowed their head in respect or fear? For Become a dad instead. ¶ You know the difference in your bones.
sure. Followed it with the word figure? You know it. Included it A dad knows the name of the teacher, the best friend, and the
in the title of their “brave and unsparing” memoir? You betcha. kid who smells weird. A dad apologizes when he’s wrong and
Magazines (this one included!) love nothing more than to fur- does finger guns when he’s right. He can tell you which sweat-
PROP STYLING: SHANE KLEIN

row their brow and devote pages upon pages to the state of Amer- shirt is the itchy one. He does the voices when he reads from The
ican fatherhood. It’s no wonder, with a word—a figure—so looming Berenstain Bears and can name at least a couple members of BTS.
that every man, on some level, fears turning into his father. ¶ A dad makes his kids feel good, like someone in this tough
¶ Becoming a father is serious business. Unless you work at the world actually wants to be around them. But how to become a
White House or are a surgeon of some kind, raising a kid is likely dad? We asked some dads we know for a few tips. You didn’t ask?
the most important thing you’ll ever do. The stakes are high Guess there’s one thing dads and fathers have in common after
enough to make a guy wonder whether he should be a father at all: They love to give unsolicited advice. Here’s ours.

P H OTO G R A P H S B Y E L I S C H M I DT
27
blueprint

BUT FIRST, A QUIZ! HOW TO TELL

ARE YOU a DAD or a A DAD JOKE
FATHER? INTERVIEW BY JOSH ROSENBERG

Dad jokes only

HOW OFTEN DO YOU START YOUR CHILD IS ABOUT TO
seem easy. We
A SENTENCE WITH THE RECEIVE A “PARTICIPATION
asked Jim Gaffigan,
WORDS “WHY, WHEN I WAS TROPHY.” YOU:
comedian, father of
YOUR AGE. . .”?
five, and founder of
A_ Congratulate them! Fathertime Bourbon,
A_Almost never. (10) Showing up is an achieve- to break down the
ment, too. (10) art form for us.
B_Occasionally. (7)
B_ Encourage your child to
C_At least once a week. (5) accept the trophy graciously, WHAT MAKES A PERFECT
D_It’s the title of my podcast. (0) then throw it away in a DAD JOKE?
couple weeks. (5)
C_ Post a Facebook screed
It has to be a bad joke. The most
YOUR CHILD IS PLAYING about kids today, important thing is the fact that the
ON A YOUTH SPORTS participation trophies, and joke is annoying to our children.
TEAM. YOU: the goddamn mercy rule. (0)
A key element is we pretend to be
A_ Stress sportsmanship,
healthy competition, YOU IMPART LIFE unaware that it’s a groaner.
and the value of bringing LESSONS BY:
enough orange slices to A_ Making every effort to set a DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE?
share. (10) strong example; the surest
B_ Track team standings in a
suspiciously thick binder.
way to give instruction is to
model good behavior. (10)
There are some
(7) B_ Buying your kid a classics. “I’m hungry.”
C_ Conduct frank postgame
assessments of your child’s
subscription to Esquire. (7)
C_ Buying your kid a subscrip-
“Hi, hungry, I’m
play. You try not to be harsh,
but there have been tears. (3)
tion to Foreign Affairs. (0)
Dad.” It has to be an
D_ Remind your child, “It’s
not a foul if the ref doesn’t
YOUR CHILD IS HELPING
YOU FIX A LEAKY KITCHEN
observation on a
see it.” (0) FAUCET WHEN, OUT OF
FRUSTRATION, YOU SLAM
very lazy connection
HOW DO YOU HELP YOUR DOWN A HEAVY WRENCH,
SERIOUSLY MARRING THE
of two seemingly
CHILD WITH HOMEWORK?
A_ You work side by side,
COUNTERTOP. YOU: unrelated ideas.
patiently guiding them to A_ Collect yourself, apologize
arrive at the right answers for losing your temper, WHY DO YOU THINK DADS
themselves. (10) and explain that we all GRAVITATE TOWARD PUNS?
B_ You do a nighttime run to make mistakes but that it’s
the drugstore for poster important to own up to them Kids are dumb, so they’re not
board—but no more than and try to do better. (10) going to get it initially. But as
once a semester. (7) B_ Let a few choice curses they get older, it becomes a joke
fly but then sheepishly say
C_ You take one look at the
you’re sorry. (5) that is shared. It’s probably
worksheet and panic. (4)
C_ Blame your wife for insisting the most effective modern tool
D_ Are they getting
homework already? (0) on that polished granite for communicating sarcasm that
countertop. That ugly green
slab cost a fortune! (–5)
we have as human beings.

WELL, FATHER OR DAD? Tally your responses and see below.

50 Congratulations—
you’re a bona fide
dad. You’re
30 You’re solidly in the
dad zone. Keep up
the good work and
10 You have some
work to do. Glad
you found us.
0 You may, in fact, be
a father. But it’s not
too late. Read on.
shaping young your children’s
people of good future therapy bills
character and should stay
probably won’t be manageable.

60 the subject of any

tell-all memoirs. 49 29 9
 _ fatherhood

The Gear
You Need to
Level Up
Your Dadding
BY KRISTA JONES

Diaper? Done. Snacks? Packed.

Wisdom? Imparted. What further
proof do you need that you’re a
dad? We recommend three items
that will guarantee your status.

IS IT OKAY TO
HAVE a A PORTABLE PROJECTOR

FAVORITE KID? Congrats on finally making it to the “fun”

years. From, let’s say, age seven to the
dreaded start of teendom, how do you
It’s more than okay; it’s the only way. Take it from keep the kids interested in hanging out
Deion Sanders. with you? Movie night, and do it right—
with a portable projector. Pick it up by
BY BRADY LANGMANN
the handle, then watch the movie out
back or in the kids’ room. $1,300

DEION SANDERS MIGHT BE BETTER AT TOSSING BONS

mots than at coaching football. The grizzled, never-not-
controversial head coach of the University of Colorado
Buffaloes is full of them. There’s “If your dream ain’t bigger
than you, there’s a problem with your dream.” Or “I’m mar-
ried to football; baseball is my girlfriend.” One more? “Con-
fidence is my natural odor.” Fans eat up his sound bites like
DAD SNEAKERS
Ralphie the Buffalo devours a bushel of grass at halftime.
Don’t forget you need to look the part.
Then, on numerous occasions (including Father’s Day!) Nothing says “dad,” let alone “cool dad,”
last year, Sanders ranked his five children: Deion Jr., more than the Made in USA 990’s. $200
Shelomi, Shilo, Shedeur, and Deiondra. Before you howl—
he didn’t rank his babies the same way each time. When
journalists, in disbelief, followed up, he doubled down,
saying, “I’m the only one that’s honest about ranking my
kids. You guys act like you all love them the same, and you
don’t.” (Sanders, uh, declined to comment.)
Here’s the thing: Coach Prime is right. This sounds like a
very big-F Father move, but it’s really a classic Dad move.
Everyone has a favorite child. You have a favorite child. As
in the Sanders household, your favorite probably changes
with the various kids’ wins and losses. Today, the one who SNOO
had to be told only once to put on his shoes is most likely The best, most valuable—and even most
ranking ahead of the one who made you late for work with controversial—topic concerning items
a meltdown about why the banana wasn’t yellow yellow. for newborns is the Snoo. It’s a bassinet
invented by Dr. Harvey Karp, a childhood-
Why not be like Prime Time and just admit it? When I’m a
development expert, and it’s controver-
father of five (Brady Jr., Furiosa, Peggy, Elvis, and Steve), sial mostly because of its price tag. Even
you know damn well I’ll keep my rankings on a whiteboard if you don’t buy the Snoo, you’d better
stuck to the fridge. Love you, Brady Jr.! have an opinion on the Snoo, stat. $1,695

M AT T W I N K E L M E Y E R / G E T T Y I M A G E S ( G A F F I G A N ) . R AY A M AT I / G E T T Y I M A G E S ( S A N D E R S ) . C O U R T E S Y B R A N D S ( P R O J E CTO R , S N E A K E R , S N O O ) . 29
blueprint _ fatherhood

WHAT MY DAD WAS RIGHT ABOUT

GIVE IT A SHOT I was afraid of turning into my

SHOW YOUR KIDS an

father . . . until I did
BY MICHAEL SEBASTIAN

R-RATED MOVIE
BY KEVIN SINTUMUANG Here’s a story about my dad that he
won’t like me telling you: When I was,
I WATCHED ZACK SNYDER’S JUSTICE LEAGUE WITH MY KIDS WHEN THEY WERE I don’t know, ten, I cleaned up spilled
eight and five. And they liked it. I mentioned this, with a bit of guilt considering its R rat- milk with our fabric toaster cover.
ing, to Snyder during a Q&A. “It’s a pretty soft R,” he told me, as if to say I wasn’t that ter- My dad was not happy. “You know,
rible a parent. Sure, I had to ignore the kids’ questions about what the Joker meant by Michael,” he said, “sometimes you can
giving Batman a “reach around,” but for the most part, if your kids can handle curses and be a real jerk.” He wasn’t wrong, and
some violence, they can handle soft R’s. One of the best parts of being a dad is knowing which now that I have two of them myself,
rules are okay to break. The fatherly refrain of “no R-rated movies” is one. I know that everyone sometimes has
Since then, we’ve added more soft R’s to family movie night. Game Night, the Rachel this thought about their kids. But he
McAdams/Jason Bateman kidnapping caper, was a hit, too. Air, the story behind the mak- said it to me.
ing of Air Jordans, is totally family friendly if you ignore the fact that they say nutsack. My dad was an asshole sometimes. He
We’ve hit The Holdovers (an instant high school classic), Terminator 2 (secretly about
had a short fuse and a certain way of do-
fatherhood), and Good Will Hunting (they’ll need to learn about Boston somehow).
ing things. How he loaded and unloaded
Kids are more capable of understanding media than we give them credit for, and the more
the dishwasher—don’t get me started.
we activate that media critic in them—and show them that movies can be pretty damn cool—
He worked all the time. He wore a suit
the better. I watched Heat with my older daughter when she was nine, and she got it: The
and tie six days a week. On his one day
area between good guys and bad guys can be pretty gray. My younger daughter, now eight,
off, he’d wake up my older brother and
wanted to watch Oppenheimer after it won the Oscar for Best Picture. I told her there was
nudity. “Why does a movie about the nuclear bomb have nudity?” she asked. Good ques-
me early to run errands, and he refused
tion. I didn’t have a good answer. But we’ll watch it, skip over those bits, and talk about it. to let us change the station on the car
radio. He was a classic father.
But he did give a shit. The old man
showed up to every one of my baseball
games, usually in that suit and tie. He
persuaded his friend, a civil engineer, to
build a toothpick bridge for a Boy Scout
competition. (We came in second.)
I wanted for nothing, including the col-
lege education for which he paid.
Then a funny thing happened when
I became a dad. Despite trying not to, I
also became my father. Not that it’s all
bad. I show up to games, even if it’s
usually in a jacket and tie. I help with Girl
Scouts. But then there’s the dishwasher....
Why does no one know how to load
a dishwasher properly? Coffee mugs
go on the upper-right rack. It’s all
about the geography of the kitchen,
I explain to my wife and kids, who fail
to grasp this. The cabinet where the
mugs live is to the right of the dish-
washer. When the mugs go where they
belong, unloading is much easier—you
save yourself a few steps and several
minutes. Last month, I shared this
strategy with my father. “Smart,” he
said approvingly. I wish I could bottle
and sell the pride I felt.
Our brand-new membership club,
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 blueprint _ style

Beyond
the
Beach
Orlebar Brown’s trim (but not
tight) trunks are exactly the fit
you’re looking for this summer
_
BY JONATHAN EVANS

AFTER YEARS OF ANYTHING-GOES

style, guys are cleaning up their
act and getting dressed with a
sense of occasion again. When
it comes to swimwear, that
means ditching big, baggy suits
and opting for something with
a more streamlined fit. Enter
Orlebar Brown’s Bulldog
trunks. Cut to hit mid-thigh,
equipped with a set waistband
instead of elastic, and finished
S T Y L I N G : A L F O N S O F E R N Á N D E Z N AVA S . G R O O M I N G : D E V R A K I N E RY. M O D E L : J E F F M O O R E AT N E X T.

with tailoring-inspired tab ad-

justers at the side, they’ll bring
a welcome dose of refinement
to any and all aquatic adven-
tures. And once you’ve toweled
off ? Thanks to their quick-
drying fabric and a look that’s
more “short” than “swim,” all
you need to do is throw on some
shoes and a shirt—something
with a camp collar or a knitted
polo would pair particularly
well—and you’ll be ready to
round out the evening at the
beachside bar, no costume
change required.

TRUNKS ($395) BY ORLEBAR

BROWN; SNEAKERS ($420)
BY THOM BROWNE; KHAKI
NAVY SCUBA WATCH ($845)
BY HAMILTON; SUNGLASSES
($925) BY AKONI; BRACELET
($225) BY LAGOS.

P H OTO G R A P H B Y RYA N S L AC K
blueprint _ style

UP, UP, AND AWAY

Breitling’s weird, wild, and wonderful new watch is inspired by a 1999 balloon journey around the world
_
BY NICK SULLIVAN

EVERY ERA HAS ITS OWN AERONAU-

tical obsession. Around the turn of the 20th
century, it was simply getting off the ground.
By the ’60s, it was getting to the moon. In
the ’90s, it was one of the few unconquered
high-altitude feats: a nonstop balloon trip
around the globe.
It sounds a little wacky, but this was seri-
ous business. The endeavor preoccupied
11 teams that made 21 attempts in all before
Brian Piccard succeeded on his third try in
1999 with copilot Brian Jones on the Breit-
ling Orbiter 3. The journey covered more
than 28,000 miles in just under 20 days.
Now, 25 years after that accomplishment,
Breitling is celebrating the Orbiter 3’s excur-
sion with a new watch: the Aerospace B70
Orbiter. The gradated orange dial is inspired
by the color of the Orbiter 3’s capsule. A dual
analog/digital display reflects a ’90s trend
that is rare these days, especially in serious
watchmaking. The newly created move-
ment, which drives both functions, is the
B70, a chronometer-certified SuperQuartz
movement with ten times the accuracy of a
standard quartz watch. While the analog
hands display hours and minutes, the digi-
tal readout offers multiple timing functions,
including a chronograph that registers
increments of hundredths of a second.
But all that function aside, what makes
this special edition really special is seen
through the sapphire-crystal case back: a
circular slice taken from the original
Orbiter 3 balloon’s envelope. Which means
wherever you take it, this watch—or a part
of it at least—has already been around
the world.

AEROSPACE B70 ORBITER WATCH

($4,900) BY BREITLING, BREITLING.COM.
P R O P S T Y L I N G : H E AT H E R G R E E N E

Go to Chocolate and cheese are well and good, but when it comes to Guests will visit the epicenters of luxury watchmaking—Geneva,
Swiss exports, we’re all about the watches. Which is why, in May Neuchâtel, the Vallée de Joux, and Bienne—to learn the craft while
Switzerland with 2025, Esquire’s resident watch nut, Nick Sullivan, will be hosting enjoying the most enticing Swiss cuisine along the way. And, yes,
Esquire a handful of similarly minded horology enthusiasts for a once-in- there will be chocolate and cheese, too. To learn more about the
a-lifetime tour of some of the finest manufacturers in the country. trip, head to Esquire.com/esquire-escapes.

34 P H OTO G R A P H B Y C H E LS I E C R A I G
blueprint _ style

You Crazy
Diamond
David Yurman’s latest
jewelry collection,
the Vault, takes things to
the highest level of luxury
_
BY JONATHAN EVANS

SAPPHIRE CURB CHAIN BRACELET, BLACK DIAMOND BRACELET, DIAMOND CURB CHAIN BRACELET, DIAMOND
BAND RING, AND DIAMOND DECO AMULET BY DAVID YURMAN HIGH JEWELRY; CHAIN NECKLACE ($7,500) BY DAVID
YURMAN; CARDIGAN ($6,700) AND TROUSERS ($1,550) BY LORO PIANA.
G R O O M I N G : D E V R A K I N E RY. M O D E L : K H O R E Y
S T Y L I N G : A L F O N S O F E R N Á N D E Z N AVA S .

FINE IS . . . FINE. BUT IF YOU WANT TO REACH ship, and the most exclusive pieces. These are the items with a provenance—and price—that de-
the very top tier of jewelry, you need to get high. mands you keep them under lock and key.
The world of baubles and sparkles has layers. Which is, as it happens, the inspiration for the name of the latest collection from David Yurman:
M C D O N A L D AT M A R I LY N N Y.

At the base is costume stuff that delivers the glitz the Vault. Overseen by Evan Yurman, the CEO and the son of the founder, it’s the first men’s high-
but leans on cheap materials. Above that, there’s jewelry collection from the brand and showcases stunning works like hand-set diamond amulets,
fine jewelry, which employs precious metals and sculptural sapphire-and-platinum bracelets, and pavé chain necklaces. If those don’t strike your
stones to considerably more refined effect. And fancy, you can also go bespoke. With the option to commission a one-of-a-kind piece from David Yur-
above that is high jewelry, featuring the most man’s in-house artisans, your imagination is the only limit. Well, that and the number of commas in
exceptional gems, the most exacting craftsman- your checking account. But hey—if you’ve got the scratch, why not take the opportunity to shine?

36 P H OTO G R A P H S B Y RYA N S L AC K
SE Automatic

R ADICAL SIMPLICIT Y
SWISS MADE SINCE 1881
blueprint

ON DECK
A preppy staple (and occasional
punchline), the boat shoe is ready for
its latest turn in the spotlight
_
BY JONATHAN EVANS

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE WATER.

Suddenly it seems like every brand is taking a fresh
look at the boat shoe and saying, “Yeah, we can
do something really cool with that.”
This isn’t a new phenomenon for preppy sta-
ples. Every few years or so, on a rotating sched-
ule that only the style gods fully understand,
society takes stock of tried-and-true pieces like
chinos and oxford-cloth button-downs and real-
izes there’s a very good reason these items became
classics in the first place. Cue the remixes, rein-
terpretations, and reinvigorated mass appeal.
With boat shoes, we’re squarely in the sweet
spot. High-fashion houses and specialized brands
alike are churning out exciting iterations that are
a far cry from your grandpa’s sun-bleached stand-
bys, but we haven’t yet hit the saturation point
where you see boat shoes absolutely everywhere.
Which means now is the perfect moment to take
a new pair out for a spin.
What vibe do you want to roll with? You can opt
for Sebago’s vintagey version or Dior’s designer
take (complete with the famous Oblique jacquard).
Chris Echevarria adds a whole lot of texture and
a lug sole for his Sperry collab, while Polo Ralph
Lauren keeps things reliably preppy. Camper
offers cheeky color-blocking (and a mismatched
second shoe that you can’t see here). Or, if you’re
looking for something to stomp in, Jacquemus has
you covered.
Whatever you decide, remember: The pairs
with the non-marking outsoles are the only ones
truly suited for the deck of a sloop or a schooner.
Others are better for landlubbers. But even if yours
aren’t seaworthy, rest assured they’re the right
S T Y L I N G : A L F O N S O F E R N Á N D E Z N AVA S

shoes for right now.

FROM LEFT: SHOE ($375), SPERRY BY CHRIS

ECHEVARRIA; SOCK ($14) BY AMERICAN TRENCH.
SHOE ($860) BY JACQUEMUS. SHOE ($195) BY SEBAGO;
OVERALLS BY COACH. SHOE ($138) BY POLO RALPH
LAUREN; JEANS ($365) BY LEVI’S X ERL; SOCK ($30) BY
PANTHERELLA. SHOE ($990) BY DIOR MEN; SOCK ($26)
BY SCHOSTAL ORIGINALS. SHOE ($190) BY CAMPER;
SOCK ($32) BY ANONYMOUS ISM.

38 P H OTO G R A P H B Y RYA N S L AC K
_ style
blueprint _ style

Canali
Chills Out
The iconic Italian brand may be
known for tailoring, but its
effortlessly casual clothes are a
welcome evolution
_
BY NICK SULLIVAN

MENTION THE NAME CANALI IN MENSWEAR

circles and tailoring comes to mind. That’s
reasonable: The Brianza-based brand,
which is celebrating its 90th anniversary
this year, is certainly capable of producing
an exceptional suit. Although its reputation
is well earned, Canali didn’t start by mak-
ing tailored clothing. Its first product was a
raincoat—an essential element of the every-
day wardrobe. And now, in an increasingly
casual world, the label is returning to its

S T Y L I N G : A L F O N S O F E R N Á N D E Z N AVA S . G R O O M I N G : D E V R A K I N E RY. M O D E L : A M A U RY VA L E R O AT N E X T.
roots by embracing a more easygoing take
on getting dressed each morning.
Canali calls it “gentleness”—a deliberate
declaration of no, grazie to the loud, in-your-
face styling prevalent in runway fashion. There’s
still a sense of luxury and craftsmanship, of
course, but now those high-end fabrics and
time-honored techniques are deployed to make
clothes for men with more than work in mind.
TOP: JACKET Knitwear and casual shapes like reversible coats
($3,060), SHIRT
($395), KNIT and trucker jackets break up the formal silhou-
SHIRT ($940), ette, and tailored pieces—take note of the trou-
AND TROUSERS
sers in particular—elevate the vibe while remaining
($520) BY
CANALI; rooted in relaxation thanks to a fuller cut.
SHOES ($820) Suits aren’t gone entirely, and rightfully they
BY MARSÈLL;
EARRING never will be. But instead of feeling overly slick
AND RINGS or stuffy, they follow the light and airy spirit of
BY ELIBURCH contemporary Mediterranean sartorialism, with
JEWELRY.
BOTTOM: minimal construction and breezy blends of linen,
SWEATER silk, and cotton in pale, off-duty colors. Could
($7,840) BY
you wear them to the office this summer? Abso-
CANALI; RING
($6,840) BY lutely. But you’d be better off saving them for
PROUNIS; something more special, so they can remain sep-
NECKLACE
($2,360) BY arated—both physically and spiritually—from the
POMELLATO. drudgery of the daily commute.

40 P H OTO G R A P H S B Y RYA N S L AC K
 ER.
W
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blueprint _ grooming

FASHION
FOR YOUR
FACE
High-end designers are charging
into the skin-care game.
Are they worth your time?
_
BY GARRETT MUNCE

MAJOR FASHION BRANDS ARE INTER-

ested in your skin. Not in a creepy way.
They are banking on the idea that if you
like what they do for your wardrobe,
you’re going to love what they do for
your mug. The good news is that these
labels have technology and money that
upstart brands usually don’t. That trans-
lates into new ingredients, more elegant
formulas, and packaging designed with
the same care that goes into the clothes.
So whether you’re looking for a cutting-
edge face cream, a simple all-in-one rou-
tine, or an excellent natural body lotion,
here are three labels to know when
you’re ready to make over your medi-
cine cabinet.

1 2 3
_DIOR SAUVAGE MENCARE _PRADA SKIN _A.P.C. SELF-CARE
A complete skin-care system in three steps, Like the clothes that go down the runway, this The draw of A.P.C. clothes is that they’re de-
with products that utilize cactus, which is new collection is all about innovation. The ceptively simple. The same DNA is infused in
prized for its ability to hold moisture. There’s a products include a proprietary blend of the brand’s new line of body-care products.
gentle cleanser ($42) with charcoal to soak up adaptogens that help balance your skin in the With at least 98 percent of their ingredients
dirt and oil, a hydrating toner ($65) with face of stressors—think rising global tempera- being of natural origin, the shower gel ($50),
P R O P S T Y L I N G : H E AT H E R G R E E N E

pore-tightening and cooling properties, and a tures and pollution—as well as tried-and-true body lotion ($55), hand cream ($30), and
moisturizer-serum combo ($95) that not only ingredients like hydrating hyaluronic acid, more are gentle and hydrating. The scent—a
keeps your skin hydrated all day but also helps moisturizing Proxylane, the antioxidant vitamin crowd-pleasing blend of floral orange blossom
strengthen the skin barrier and reduce signs CG, and barrier-strengthening ceramides. and fresh neroli—encourages relaxation and
of aging. And yes, they all carry Dior’s signa- There’s a refillable cream ($390) with an inno- well-being. Even the packaging is thoughtful:
ture Sauvage scent—but not enough to irritate vative gel-to-balm texture that can be used All of it is made from recycled material and is
sensitive skin. morning and night, a concentrated face and recyclable itself.
eye serum ($410), a micro-peel toning es-
sence ($135), and a gentle cream-to-foam
cleanser ($95).

42 P H OTO G R A P H B Y C H E LS I E C R A I G
 BIG BANG UNICO

Vibrantly-coloured and patented orange

ceramic case. In-house UNICO chronograph
movement. Limited to 250 pieces.
blueprint _ the authentics

and author of the new memoir Do Something, explains why

he sticks to the classics when it comes to eyewear
_
AS TOLD TO JONATHAN EVANS

TREBAY’S OWN MR. LEIGHT GLASSES

($550 FOR A NEW PAIR).

I’VE WORN HORN-RIMMED GLASSES SINCE I but they were kind of standard poindexter glasses. So
was seven. In the early days, they were made in I got these, and I’ve remained with them since.
England. Those held me until I was in my 20s or 30s— The decision wasn’t super evolved aesthetically. But
and then they stopped making them. So I started I like to be consistent. I used to ride horses competi-
chasing them, going to more and more obscure man- tively, and a lot of the way I look at self-presentation
ufacturers until, finally, I couldn’t find them at all. originates in riding. Your horse had to be clean and
Then I discovered Oliver Peoples, which had simi- well presented, but there wasn’t much variation. It was
lar frames. They were a bit of a leap in price, but really functional, and so many things in menswear come from
nice. I wore those for quite a long time—and then they the truly functional—the military, the cavalry, or what-
abruptly discontinued them. I was working at The New ever. I like that idea. It’s kind of like “If it ain’t broke . . .”
York Times at that point, so I wrote one of those sto- If they were to discontinue these frames like they
ries that journalists do when some beloved thing is no did my old ones, I’m not sure what I’d do. I might go
more. And to my surprise, Larry Leight, the founder back to being halfway unseeing by wearing old pairs—I
of Oliver Peoples, read it and brought the style back. have been known to do that—but I wouldn’t want to
Along the way, I met Larry’s son, Garrett, who be like a contestant on Survivor or Tom Hanks on that
started his own brand. By then, my look had changed island. I should probably stockpile them. But then
a bit, so I changed to something slightly more squared again, I’m not a child, so maybe I could just figure out
off from his collection. My originals weren’t so owlish, how many pairs I need to get me to the end.
PROP STYLING: SHANE KLEIN

Fox News portrays N.Y.C. as a cesspool. It’s not. Vast portions of Manhattan are a fantasy of the Big Apple. The Disney version of
Gotham. This is not the case in Guy Trebay’s memoir, Do Something, the primary backdrop for which is 1970s New York, when it was
REQUIRED an actual cesspool. Trebay brings the grit to life. It is a travel guide, physically and emotionally, from the Garment District to the Bronx.
READING We meet locally famous weirdos and art-world icons, visit thrift shops and gay clubs, and, in between, learn about Trebay’s troubled
family history. Do Something will transport you, break your heart, and uplift you in ways Fox News could never. —Michael Sebastian

44 P H OTO G R A P H B Y E L I S C H M I DT
blueprint

THE RAP-MUSIC
PARADOX
I love, revere, and respect women. So how can I listen to music that demeans them?

THE LAST SUMMER OF MY TWEENS—1987—I GOT MY HANDS ON

a cassette of Too $hort’s Born to Mack and was titillated by the first rap
songs I’d heard with profanity. Beyond the curse words, the way $hort
spoke about women gobsmacked impressionable me. On “Freaky Tales,”
he boasts of several salacious escapades. On “Dope Fiend Beat,” the al-
bum’s very next song, he begins with his now-signature epithet—a sing-
song Biiiiiiiiiitch!—delivers a preamble, and launches into his first verse:
“Bitches on my mind / I can’t hold back, now’s the time / All you loud-
mouth bitches talk too much / And you dick-teasin’ bitches never fuck.”
My mom seized the tape but never trashed it, and I soon sleuthed it
and began clandestine listening. Not only did Born to Mack use language
to describe girls/women that had been verboten by my mother and sanc-
tified great-grandmother—the two most important women in my life—
its lyrics proffered a kind of manual for how to treat women, worked to
PA R A S G R I F F I N / G E T T Y I M A G E S

inculcate me on the value of girls/women, or the lack thereof. N.W.A re-

leased Straight Outta Compton the next year, an album that became the
standard-bearer for gangster rap. On “Dopeman,” Ice Cube raps, “Straw-
berry, Strawberry is the neighborhood ho,” characterizing a woman
who’d have sex for crack in the hood. While $hort and N.W.A were lay-
ing a foundation of patriarchy and misogyny and sexism, I was at least
a decade from learning the meaning of any of those words, much less

46
 _ what’s going on?_ by mitchell s. jackson

considering them with informed acuity. ing of passing women around to fuck their boys. heard nothing critical about Future’s lyrics:
Just a few years later, I would head-bob before my Commonplace: rappers demeaning women as dis- “Stickin’ to the code, all these hos for the
varsity basketball games to Dr. Dre’s “Bitches Ain’t honest or gold-digging. Commonplace: calling streets / I put it in her nose, it’s gon’ make her pussy
Shit,” off The Chronic. “Bitches ain’t shit but hos and women bitches and hos and tricks and sluts. leak” . . .“ All my hos do shroom, nigga, all my hos
tricks / Lick on these nuts and suck the dick,” went Shouldn’t no-damn-body diminish the harms do coke” . . . “She think ’cause she exotic bitch, she
the hook. “Gets the fuck out after you’re done / Then misogyny can cause to all women. How it can me- attractive / That’s the shit’ll get you put up out the
I hops in my coupe to make a quick run.” tastasize into the accepting of rigid gender norms. section” . . . “You know these hos hungry, they gon’
Misogyny is derived from the Greek words for How it can birth anxieties, wizen their esteem, fos- fuck for a name / I put her on the gang, she get
hate and woman. Dre’s lyrics were the epitome of ter a distrust of other women. How it can pummel fucked for a chain.”
that hatred. Plus unlike the regional success of them into objectifying themselves. How it can man- Is it a good thing that rap laced with misogyny
Born to Mack, The Chronic became a cultural phe- ifest eating disorders and self-harm. However, is most popular? Hell no. My streaming it is with-
nomenon—it has sold more than 5 million copies while all women are subject to the traumas of rap out doubt part of the problem. Critical me, though,
and ranked 40th on a list of the best hip-hop al- music, misogynoir—defined by feminist theorist can’t ignore that rap music was born as a response
bums of all time in Rolling Stone, which called it Moya Bailey as anti-Black racist misogyny—is the to systemic oppression, that it’s part of a culture
“landscape changing.” beating heart of hip-hop. still shaped by those systems. What kid wants to
Between those two albums (but not just those Who’s the “bitch”? live across the street from—or in—a drug house?
two), blatant misogyny got mainstreamed. Mean- Watch the videos; look at the album covers. The Wants his sleep troubled by the racket of ghetto
while, on the personal front, my mother began a overwhelming majority of them are Black or brown birds? Aims to sit in an apartment with a bare
decades-long struggle with a crack addiction, women, leaving little doubt as to whom we are fridge while worrying over his mother’s where-
which impacted how I perceived what I heard and supposed to associate with the word bitch. And it abouts? What kid wants his college dreams shot
normalized feelings of disappointment and dis- matters who’s the bitch because Black and brown so far out of reach they might as well reside on the
trust in her. By the time The Chronic came out, I’d women already suffer a plethora of disadvantages moon? Wouldn’t significant changes in the cul-
tried my hand at selling crack, had a time or two compared with white women. Black women have ture of rap music demand significant changes in
in my teens, watched a woman, waifish and di- shorter life spans and are more likely to die during the circumstances of the people who are both its
sheveled, totter into a dope house, announce she childbirth. Have higher rates of obesity, heart dis- chief producers and its subjects? As bad as the mi-
was broke, and offer to exchange sex for crack. ease, anemia. Make less money but are more likely sogyny is in rap—and it’s almost impossible to
Meaning my relationship to rap music is indivisi- to be head of a household, live in a segregated imagine it worse—I know it’s reflective of the
ble from the truth that at one point it was way more neighborhood, and have a lower property value, me-against-the-world, survival-of-the-fittest codes
real-life than out-of-this-world hyperreality. if they own property at all. Demeaning Black that pervade the domains of the oppressed, rules
And it wasn’t just sitting in the dope house. It was women as bitches-hos-tricks-and-sluts is like kick- that are never not also a battle of the sexes.
witnessing a couple of my homeboys watch the
dope house from a window in our high school class-
room (it was across the street) and dash to hit a lick
when they saw a smoker approaching. It was my
pimp father trying to indoctrinate me with his val-
_ My streaming rap music LACED WITH
ues. It was being nurtured by uncles who were
pimps and dope dealers. It was having my favorite
MISOGYNY is part of the problem.
aunt murdered while she worked as a prostitute
for one of my uncles (not her brother). It was hav- ing a wounded person while they’re down, a per- Why am I still listening? For better and fordamn-
ing peers who started pimping themselves before son kept down by the societal ill that that’s where sure for worse, rap music still feels representative
we were old enough to buy liquor, plus seeing girls they belong on account of their gender and how of my culture, is still indicative of the experiences
I went to school with work as their prostitutes or it intersects with their race. Who the bitch is mat- that shaped me. I often deceive myself that I’m able
as strippers or end up pregnant or hooked on drugs. ters because there ain’t near enough in our cul- to listen to it only as entertainment. That my criti-
It was having several peers who put in work for ture to mitigate the harms done to Black women. cal ear is vigilant. That rap needs knowing listeners
their set. It was hearing that my high school was al- Furthermore, if the bitches-hos-tricks-and-sluts who can appraise it. But to keep it 100, the older I
ways under fire for poor academics. That was my are our women—the blood and relation of the Black get, the less I can engage with it, the more rap mu-
world, from the time I was a Jheri-curled weebit men who dominate hip-hop—then what does that sic weighs on my spirit. At this age, it’s hard to lis-
until I moved away in my mid-20s. say about our self-worth? Is our hatred toward ten without sadness. Beneath all the rap-beef
My experience—which ain’t the standard of them—the same women who birthed and nurtured bravado and celebrated violence and emphatic ma-
Black life, nor was it an anomaly—made it almost us—also a form of self-loathing? If they lack human- terialism I hear pain, and I know that so much of the
impossible to dismiss these lyrics and, even ity, how could we not? music issues from a broken place. It’s a place I know
though I knew they were harmful, tougher to con- Weeks back, I downloaded Future and Metro well. And because I do and also refuse to believe I’m
demn them. Only a fool would argue that misog- Boomin’s collab album We Don’t Trust You and any better than what I come from, entertaining the
yny isn’t rampant in today’s most popular rap played their song “Like That”—a tune that shot to thought of not listening anymore feels like forsak-
music. Commonplace: dismissing women as lesser the top of the Billboard Global 200 chart—on re- ing my culture, like proof that I’d devolved into a
rappers. Commonplace: characterizing women peat. The rap world tizzied over Kendrick’s verse person I despise: an Uncle Tom who looks down his
only as sex objects. Commonplace: rappers boast- dissing Drake. But what’s hella telling is that I’ve nose at his people, the most wounded ones.

47
blueprint dispatches from ___ the new middle age

HOW I THREW MY FIRST PUNCH

After a lifetime of running from confrontation, I took up boxing at age 40. In the ring, I finally discovered what it was
like to deliver a blow—and to take a few on the chin myself.
BY SCOTT HULER

WHEN I WAS 40, I RAISED MY FISTS AND DID NOT RUN AWAY FROM A FIGHT
for the first time since sixth grade.
It happened in a gym straight out of a Rocky movie. I was spending that year working
in a rented office on the second floor of a three-story walk-up in Rome, Georgia. I filled
GAZOO

my time staring out the office window, tapping gloomily at my keyboard on a failing
project. One day, I heard banging.

48
 L O N G I N E S S P I R I T F LY B A C K

The LONGINES SPIRIT FLYBACK is a bold illustration of the pioneering spirit that has
always driven the brand. Its flyback mechanism, invented by Longines in the 1920s,
resets the chronograph’s seconds hand to zero and immediately restarts the timing
with a single push. This stunningly timeless chronograph is an invitation to the explorer
inside you. Ready for adventure ?
blueprint dispatches from ___ the new middle age

Fire-escape stairs led to a newly cleared third We learned to crouch and angle our shoulders, It may have been the first punch I landed since
floor. “A gym,” an intense, wiry man said. And protecting still-soft bellies. Left hand up by left that day on the playground. It may have been the
sure enough: heavy bags, speed bags, weights. cheek, right around the chin, peering between first one in my life. The buzzer sounded; suddenly,
Along one brick wall: a ring, canvas duct-taped gloves, we adopted the classic fighter’s pose. Lee hands were removing my headgear. Soon others
directly to the wood floor. Plaster hung in patches; taught us the jab: straighten that left, pop!, directly wore the lace-up gloves and I leaned on a bag and
the bags hung directly from exposed roof joists. at the heavy bag. Then the cross, the overhand watched, vibrating. I had fought someone.

w
The wiry man was Lee Fortune, onetime holder right—launched not from the shoulder but from
of the World Boxing Council’s Continental Amer- the hips, pushing off that back leg and shifting E S PA R R E D E V E RY F E W
icas middleweight title. Did I want to learn to box? your entire bodyweight. I had always heard “throw weeks. My movements grew
Lee, a cop, planned to work the gym around his a punch,” but on those grimy wood floors facing more confident as I learned to
schedule. It would be $25 a month for limitless a stained heavy bag, I understood. parry and feint. I began to think
time and coaching, several afternoons a week. “Jab!” Lee would say. Then the hooks, left and I was a guy who could take care of himself. One
“Not kickboxing,” he said. “Real boxing. Sparring. right; the jab and cross were one and two, the day Lee’s dad, Roy, a small-time promoter, took
You’ll wear headgear.” I said sure. hooks three and four. “Give him the old one-two” me aside. He put together cards for the casinos in
“A man you’ve never met before said for $25 he suddenly had meaning. Lee explained: The one, Biloxi. Headliners required undercards, and two-
will hit you in the head,” a friend summarized. he leans to his left; the two gets him sliding hard round jousts earned $500 per palooka. Did I want
What else did I have going on? to his right, where your left hook meets the side to fight? I was 41 and in the best shape of my life.
But there was more. When I was growing up in of his head. We got used to pounding that heavy “Don’t you think your life is hard enough with
suburban Cleveland, unless you were an athlete, bag and learned the speed bag, which is about your brains on the inside?” my wife responded at
you were a school playground victim. You were rhythm, “bappity-bappity-bappity,” and about home. Roy shrugged and life went on. Then one
pushed, teased, hit; I was, anyway. The adults in holding arms high enough to make shoulder mus- day, Lee approached.
those days blithely assured us that standing up for
yourself cured bullies, but I never witnessed that.
I tried once, against my will, in sixth grade. The
class decided, seemingly en masse, that a dodge-
ball incident required playground resolution. I
_ “A man you’ve never met before said for
told the other kid it was stupid, tried to walk away,
finally started pushing back, and ultimately ended
$25 he’ll hit you IN THE HEAD,” a friend
up on the lawn in a ring of jeering classmates, flail-
ing. “Look,” I heard someone say. “It’s the two
summarized. What else did I have going on?
queers fighting.” I kept on until we both stopped
swinging, then went, crying, to my piano lesson. cles cry out by the end of a three-minute round. “I have a bout coming,” he said, with an oppo-
The lead bullies took no notice; as for me, I spent That three-minute clock defines everything, fol- nent he called a slow white guy. “I need you for
the remainder of my youth and young adulthood lowed by a buzzer and a minute of gasping rest. sparring.” Before I knew it, I was in headgear and
resolutely avoiding, even running from, fights. It was working. My biceps strengthened, my gloves in the ring. “To your left,” Lee would say,
All kinds of fights. I slunk away from arguments shoulders swelled; my wife called me “Gregory and I would float that way, jabbing, trying an oc-
with parents and siblings; retreated, stung, from Pecs.” I started to think maybe I could actually hit casional combination. He’d move forward and I’d
locker-room teasing. In junior high, I tried the somebody. Then Lee said, “Bring your mouth try to duck, defend, feint, and then suddenly I was
bullied-child strategy of bullying someone else, guards Thursday,” and my stomach dropped. leaning against the ropes watching the light fixture
but I failed at the first push back; when I was ran- We had begun moving with Lee in the ring, jab- swim in circles. Lee backed away as Roy and a cou-
domly hit during a high school eruption of race- bing at his hands in paddles, learning to duck his ple others held me up. “When you see that big right
related strife, I simply stood, mystified at why and slow-motion swipes, but sparring was different, hook coming,” Roy said, “you know you can duck.”
what to do. As an adult walking on city streets, I and the gym felt different that day. Lee checked I pulled out my mouth guard. “If I could see that
quickly withdrew from anything threatening, once mouth guards, chose boxers of similar size, hook coming,” I said, “we would be having a dif-
sprinting away from a random beatdown that left jammed competition gloves over outstretched fin- ferent conversation.” I ceased to spar with Lee. I
both me and a friend bloodied. Fighting back gers, taped laces. I had to yoga-breathe for calm. never really believed I was a guy who could take
seemed not unthinkable, but unimaginable. We entered the ring and the buzzer sounded. care of himself. But evidently, I can take a punch.
When I was 40, that gym represented an oppor- Lee had to encourage us to approach each other, The next year, I lived in Nashville and took a
tunity: Maybe it was time to fight. I was instructed and when the first tentative jabs were thrown, ter- boxing class in an office building basement. When
to buy high-top sneakers, cotton hand wraps, a pair rified backpedaling followed. “Don’t turn your in a newspaper office I playfully threw an air com-
of training gloves. And, ominously, a mouth guard. back!” Lee yelled, pushing us back together. But bination at other writers, one jumped, startled.
The first weeks were boot camp. About a dozen when I crouched and faced my opponent, a guy “Jeez,” he said. “Do you box?”
of us—all men in their mid-20s, except me—stretched, heavier but shorter and 15 years my junior, he con- I guess I did, a little. But I retired with a record
jumped rope, did gym exercises. Lee, in his mid- nected. With the headgear, I felt impact, but not of 0–0 lifetime. You’ll find me now on a bicycle or
30s, taught us to wrap our hands. The wrapping pain. A lifetime of running from fights and that running underneath a fly ball. Not as good for the
and gloves, I learned, protect the boxer’s hands, was it? I relaxed. We moved and probed, and once pecs, but fewer headaches. And no troubling
not his opponent’s head. This was a hitting sport. I got a right hand through, I realized I had hit him. echoes from childhood playgrounds, either.

50
Learn more

© UBS 2024. All rights reserved. UBS Financial Services Inc.

is a subsidiary of UBS Group AG. Member FINRA/SIPC.
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 blueprint _ from _ the politics desk

THE SECOND COMING OF THE

POLITICAL CONVENTION
For the first time in decades, at both the Republican and Democratic national conventions this summer, we’re at risk
of honest-to-God politics breaking out
BY CHARLES P. PIERCE

T H E F I R ST NAT IONA L P OL I T IC A L C ON V E N T ION T H AT I E V E R W E N T T O WA S ON E I DI DN ’ T

really attend. It was 1976. I had spent the previous 18 months trying to get Congressman Mo Udall elected pres-
ident and had failed. (Not that it was entirely my fault.) The Democrats had come together in New York to nom-
inate Jimmy Carter, whom we had chased all over the country, only to lose narrowly to him in almost every
primary. We lost in Wisconsin when everybody went to bed thinking we’d won, and the Milwaukee Sentinel got
GAZOO

caught with a Dewey Defeats Truman headline in its early editions. Then, in May, with the campaign barely
breathing, we lost to Carter in Michigan by fewer than 2,500 votes. I still have nightmares.

55
blueprint _ from _ the politics desk

I felt that, out of loyalty, I should watch Mo’s con- an exception to this rule proved it at the GOP con- tional Convention in Chicago. And this, courtesy
cession speech in New York. I quickly learned that vention in Cleveland. The surface atmosphere was of the June 13, 1920, issue of The New York Times, is
you don’t just walk into a political convention. In- bizarre and brutal. The crowd jostled Ted Cruz’s how you once maneuvered a nomination:
stead, I went to a workingman’s Irish bar near Mad- wife. Rudy Giuliani went bananas from the po- All through the hot and sultry night those who had
ison Square Garden and dropped a fiver on the dium. And the nominee delivered an acceptance taken positions of leadership in party affairs labored
bartender so he’d turn on coverage of the conven- speech that found its culmination in one line: “I among themselves in the effort to find some solution
tion happening a few blocks away. With the TV rat- alone can fix it.” of the problem of selecting a suitable candidate for
tling away at the other end of the bar, I heard Mo But seen from the vantage point of 2024, the president. In the end, no success attended their ef-
say goodbye. most important event of the convention occurred fort, as far as an agreement that would affect all
Four years later, the Democrats were back in New long before the lights came on in the arena. groups and interests was concerned. ¶ The name of
York. So was Mo, delivering the keynote address at It was July 11, 2016. The Republican platform Senator Harding figured in all the conferences.
that convention, and so was I, in the employ of The committee held a meeting during which, at the in- That was how we ended up with Warren G.
Boston Phoenix this time, a press credential around stigation of Paul Manafort’s lackeys (and God Harding as president, at the 1920 Republican Na-
my neck. The big story then was Senator Edward
Kennedy’s unsuccessful primary challenge to
Jimmy Carter, which had handed Ronald Reagan
a fat lead in the polls. Ill feeling was at high tide in
the Garden when Mo took to the podium.
_ The modern CONVENTION is an
In a passage that will echo down into the conven-
tions this summer, Mo explained how the Reagan
ongoing anachronism, a smokeless
forces had refused to seat his friend and fellow Ar-
izonan Barry Goldwater as a delegate at their 1976
SMOKE-FILLED room.
convention because he had supported the incum-
bent Gerald Ford against Reagan’s challenge. It was
enough for the rising movement conservatism to knows who else, tovarich), the committee pulled tional Convention, held in Chicago, where the Dem-
cast Goldwater into the wilderness forever. the teeth on an amendment to the platform com- ocrats will be this summer. Writing from that
I suppose my friend Barry Goldwater to most Amer- mitting the GOP to a policy supplying Ukraine with convention, Kirke Simpson of the Associated Press
icans could be considered conservative. Mr. Republi- military hardware to help it defend itself against broke the story:
can. Yet four years ago, the Arizona delegation, Russian aggression. Manafort’s guys—and, through Harding of Ohio was chosen by a group of men in
controlled by Reaganites, denied this man a delegate them, the Trump campaign—were adamant about a smoke-filled room early today as Republican can-
seat at the Republican convention. Mr. Republican the matter. The delegates in that room were com- didate for president.
himself was not welcome. . . . pletely baffled. Chicago has a long history with unusual conven-
Reagan’s people spent the 1980 convention rub- Party platforms are one of the few things here- tions, and that’s without even mentioning the ex-
bing the old wounds raw. That year, Kennedy had tofore more useless than party conventions, but tended bloodletting there in 1968. There’s a
done the same thing to Carter, an incumbent of his subsequent events have proved this change in the rumbling in the air that both conventions may well
own party, and the wounds were fresh and bleed- Republican platform to be enormously important. be those rare gatherings at which spectacle gives
ing. Meanwhile, Mo Udall was warning that the GOP It demonstrated that the Trump campaign was open way to actual politics. Surely the sudden eruption
was changing in serious and dangerous ways. for business with Russia. And a week later, lo and of the issue of American support of Israel for its pol-
Since Lincoln’s time, the Republican party has held behold, the hacked DNC emails were leaked right icies in Gaza will transform what should have been
an honorable place in our history. Most of the time, before the Democratic convention in Philadelphia. an artful combination of coronation and farewell
it was broad-based. There were strong conservatives The smoke-filled hotel room had become an air- for President Biden into a tense, edgy enterprise
but a welcome as well for moderate easterners like conditioned server farm outside St. Petersburg. with a bit of 1968’s flavor. God only knows what will
Saltonstall, Case, Aiken, Javits . . . and for moderate happen when the Republicans gather in Milwau-

t
westerners like Earl Warren and Tom Kuchel. But to- H I S I S T H E WAY YOU ON C E STA M - kee with their vengeance-sodden exercise in Amer-
day, we see a GOP that is increasingly narrow. It has peded a convention: ican rhetorical carnage to nominate Donald Trump
become a party with no left or no center . . . domi- If they dare to come out in the open field for the third time in a row. If Gaza explodes in Chi-
nated by the radical right, urging radical econom- and defend the gold standard as a good cago after the Republicans present a waltz in riot
ics at home and belligerent policies abroad. thing, we shall fight them to the uttermost, gear, we may very well find our politics to be de-
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar. having behind us the producing masses of the nation ranged beyond all recall. We may find ourselves
CHRIS MORRIS

and the world. Having behind us the commercial in- nostalgic for the days when spectacle ruled the day.

t
HE 21ST-CENTURY POLITICAL CONVEN- terests and the laboring interests and all the toiling We may miss the brass bands, and the sing-alongs,
tion is an ongoing anachronism, a smoke- masses, we shall answer their demands for a gold stan- and the hats shaped like the Hoover Dam. We might
less smoke-filled room in technological dard by saying to them, You shall not press down upon even miss the smoke-filled room.
drag. (Hell, in 2020, amid the pandemic, the brow of labor this crown of thorns. You shall not
we proved we could have conventions at crucify mankind upon a cross of gold.
which nobody convened.) Spectacle seemed to That was William Jennings Bryan, enemy of east-
overwhelm the original purpose until 2016, when ern moneyed powers, at the 1896 Democratic Na-

56
 RADO.COM
MASTER OF MATERIALS

CAPTAIN COOK HIGH-TECH CERAMIC SKELETON

 s
C
a
r
y
Known for disappearing into his roles, Bill Skarsgård captivated audiences by transforming O
himself into a terrifying clown in It and a ruthless villain in John Wick. But he went even deeper to create
the revenge-driven killer in this summer’s reimagining of The Crow and the monster in December’s Nosferatu.
By Madison Vain Photographs by Norman Jean Roy Styling by Bill Mullen ______
!

g
o
O
d
Tank and pants by Rick Owens,
available at Bergdorf Goodman;
cuff and boots, available at
the Cast NYC (worn through-
out); necklace by Werkstatt:
München (worn throughout).
 built one of the most curious and compelling catalogs of any actor his age.
Just as he disappears into his Manhattan surroundings today, he disap-
pears completely into his roles, from an evil clown (Pennywise in the behe-
moth horror series It) to a French Cajun thug (the Marquis in John Wick:
Chapter 4) to a profoundly troubled World War II veteran (Willard Russell
in Antonio Campos’s The Devil All the Time). Wearing a matching navy set of
loose-fitting (but structured) trousers, a quarter-zip sweater, and an even
more structured pullover with dark sneakers, he’s a total chameleon despite
his six-foot, three-inch frame and bright-green eyes.
But it’s not just his ability to transform that surprises; it’s his desire to
embrace such characters at all. Deeply flawed and occasionally even dis-
gusting, these are not the roles that make a man a movie star. That’s okay—
Skarsgård is searching for something else.

YOU KNOW THE NAME. SKARSGÅRD. YOU’VE KNOWN IT SINCE HIS

father, Stellan, broke out in the U. S. nearly thirty years ago, in the midst
of an international career that boasts more than a hundred projects—Good
Will Hunting, Mamma Mia!, and Dune among them—and has earned him a
Golden Globe as well as a suite of European acting awards. Also since his
oldest brother, Alexander, first spiked pulses as Eric Northman on HBO’s
racy vampire fantasy True Blood. And since his second-oldest brother, Gus-
taf, became the star of every dad’s favorite History-channel show, Vikings.
Bill is the fourth of Stellan and My Skarsgård’s six children. Five boys,
one girl. (He has two younger half siblings from his father’s second and
current marriage to Megan Everett-Skarsgård.) The family’s home—an apart-
ment in Södermalm, the southern island in Stockholm, one floor beneath
their cousins and across the street from their grandparents—was busy and
loud. “It was just, constantly, open doors, running up and down the stair-
YOU KNOW THE WAY TO BELVEDERE CASTLE?” case,” he recalls.
Bill Skarsgård and I have been walking for an hour and forty-seven min- But it wasn’t only Skarsgårds crowding around the dinner table. “All of
utes, winding our way aimlessly around Central Park on a moody New York us, in our respective groups, would be the ones bringing friends back home
City morning in April. Over the bridges, around the baseball fields, past the to us,” Bill says. It wasn’t typical in Sweden, he explains. “The only families
amphitheater, and through the nature sanctuary. Twice. I could properly relate to were my immigrant friends from the Middle East.”
Now we’re suddenly facing a middle-aged, brunette woman in workout When Stellan booked jobs, he and My would decamp to set, all their kids
clothes who’s looking at us expectantly. Neither of us, however, has the in tow. Los Angeles, Canada, Southeast Asia—until high school, everyone
faintest idea how to locate Belvedere Castle, a Central Park landmark and went. My, a medical doctor by profession, would tutor her brood while
former lookout tower completed in 1872 and designed in the style of a min- Stellan worked. The culture shock became the thrill.
iature, well, castle. By the time Bill was born, Alexander and Gustaf, fourteen and ten years
Skarsgård freezes, leaving me to apologize to our fellow park walker for his senior, respectively, had each already logged their first onscreen cred-
not knowing which way she should head. She hurries along, none the wiser its. But his brothers’ embrace of Stellan’s profession made his own deci-
about whom she just met. It’s the first time we’ve interacted with any of the sion to pursue acting harder, not easier, Bill admits. “When I was a teenager,
hundred or so people we’ve passed this morning. And while there is an I didn’t like the idea of being number four.” He tried other endeavors, but
inherent compliment in being asked for directions in Manhattan—who doesn’t nothing stuck. And though he was hesitant, Swedish casting departments
hope they pass for a New Yorker?—Skarsgård mainly just seems relieved that and directors weren’t. “The next Skarsgård” has a certain appeal, and one
it wasn’t a fan making an approach. by one, movies and TV shows that spiked his curiosity presented them-
It poured down rain all morning, and clouds still hang low over the city, selves. “I felt like, ‘Okay, I may not want to be an actor, but I want to
trapping thick, lukewarm air. The gloomy weather somehow feels appro- make this movie.’ ”
priate given the thirty-three-year-old’s upcoming slate of films. In August, His worries about constant comparisons were not totally unfounded.
he’ll lead a second—bigger, bloodier, sexier—adaptation of The Crow, among Recalling the headlines and reviews that followed his earliest projects, he
the most hotly anticipated reimaginings in recent memory. And come says, “Two thirds of all the articles were like, ‘Here we go again. . . .’ ”
Christmas, he’ll sink his fangs into audiences with his interpretation of a Late in high school, Skarsgård was cast in the coming-of-age film Behind
notorious cinematic monster, Count Orlok, in Nosferatu. Unbothered strolls Blue Skies, and then he lined up two other roles in projects that would, not
through the park, in other words, may soon be a thing of the past. “I hope through his own design, debut within a year of each other. If that sounds
not,” Skarsgård says to the suggestion. like a young actor’s dream, chances are you’re not from Sweden. Only a few
Born and raised in Stockholm, Skarsgård has spent time in Manhattan dozen feature films get made annually in the Scandinavian country, and
over the years, but this is his first visit to New York in half a decade. After Skarsgård quickly found himself overexposed.
breaking big in his home country in high school and then heading for Holly- “Sweden is very known for tall-poppy syndrome,” he explains. (For a
wood, he bounced from movie set to movie set and TV show to TV show visual reference: The plant that towers above the rest is the one that gets
before eventually settling down again in Stockholm. Along the way, he’s clipped.) You can be successful but not too successful. “I knew I wouldn’t
work in Sweden for like ten years,” he says now.
Shirt and trousers by Hermès; tie by Title of Work; belt by the Leather Man, NYC; He made his way to L. A., experienced his first pilot season, and booked
ring and wallet chain by Werkstatt:München (worn throughout). Hemlock Grove, a scripted series from the then-nascent Netflix. Skarsgård has

61 S U M M E R 2024
Coat by Dolce & Gabbana; Levi’s from SumShitIFound
Vintage, Brooklyn; belt by the Leather Man, NYC.
worked, almost without a break, ever since. He jumped from production to self through this at all. “Usually, I’m like, why am I doing this to myself? I
production—2016’s massive third entry in the Divergent Series, Allegiant; should not do this. It’s not healthy for me.” He starts daydreaming about alter-
2017’s Atomic Blonde—each role bigger than the last. And then he booked It. natives—like becoming an accountant. “Something more stable,” he says.
A second screen adaptation of Stephen King’s 1986 horror novel, the film— Of course, he wouldn’t really leave his profession. Couldn’t. “There are
the first of two chapters—would go on to become the third-highest-grossing those moments,” he says, “when you’re totally lost in the moment. When
R-rated movie of all time after debuting in late 2017. But before it could shat- during the whole take you never thought once about the fact that you’re
ter sales records, director Andy Muschietti needed to find his Pennywise. doing it. You aren’t acting.” It’s beyond that, he explains. “Just being.”
He was open to anyone—male or female, young or old—for this version. They
just had to be able to terrify. FOR A GUY WHO HAS WORKED AS CONSISTENTLY—AND IN SUCH
The role was unlike anything else on his résumé at the time, but Skars- colossal projects—as Skarsgård, you’ll find surprisingly few interviews with
gård wanted it. On his way to a callback, he drove through Los Angeles, him on the Internet. A handful of podcasts. Just a couple profiles. He doesn’t
his face caked with self-applied clown makeup, testing out different mani- mince words: “I just don’t really enjoy them.” (No offense taken.) Being
acal laughs until he felt the character begin to burble inside him. Bill Skarsgård may be interesting, but the way he sees it, that’s a reality to
“Something mesmerized me,” recalls Muschietti of Skarsgård’s earliest protect, not reveal.
interpretation of the monster. The actor had a boyish energy that the direc- Fame has made him uncomfortable since he was too young to even know
tor felt was key to the portrayal, but it was his way of sending shivers down what fame meant. “I remember going in grocery stores and my dad would
your spine that stayed with the filmmaker. Or, as Muschietti says: “One sec- go, ‘Can you go grab the milk in this-or-this aisle?’ And once I walked away
ond he can act all cute, and then the next, there’s something ancestral and from him, I would hear people be like, ‘Do you see who’s here?’ ” Skarsgård
dark that just appears. His ability to transform is mind-blowing to me.” couldn’t understand why his own father’s arrival caused such a stir, but he
Euphoria creator Sam Levinson, who worked with Skarsgård on 2018’s knew he didn’t like it. “I felt violated; strangers are whispering and talking
Assassination Nation, says something similar: “His charm pulls you in, but about my dad.”
there's always an unpredictability lurking under the surface.” Skarsgård is in a long-term relationship with Swedish actress Alida
For those of a certain age, there was, at the time, already an iconic por- Morberg, and they share a five-year-old daughter. He’s been able to pro-
trayal of Pennywise haunting their memories: Tim Curry’s, from the 1990 tect the space around him and his family fairly easily, he says. He’s also
miniseries version of It. That was the measuring stick that audiences, crit- managed to get darker and, delightfully, weirder in terms of the roles he
ics, and the general online commentariat were using to evaluate the young accepts. The vengeful Mark in Assassination Nation. The zany Mickey in
Swede. The pressure was on. Skarsgård understands just how much today, Villains. The supernaturally evil The Kid on Hulu’s Castle Rock (which is
but when he accepted the role, he had absolutely no fucking clue. “When also connected to the Stephen King universe). The braggadocious Swed-
you are twenty-six, you don’t feel young at all, but now, looking back at it, ish outlaw Clark Olofsson on Netflix’s Clark. The CGI supervillain Kro in
I was a kid,” he says. “It was fairly early on in my career to take on some- Marvel’s Eternals.

Skarsgård is__________obsessive when he works. “Usually, I’m like,

thing that had so many eyeballs and expectations on it.” Not every project has worked, but Skarsgård’s contributions usually have.
And a marketing stunt by the studio sparked a baptism by fan fire. As “He has inhabited those roles, so he disappears,” says Rupert Sanders, who
Skarsgård remembers it, “They did a thing that I felt was kind of mean.” directed him in The Crow, “and that’s a testament to how good he is. You don’t
Before he started filming, the studio released a photo of him in costume see the actor anymore.”
to drum up excitement. Social-media feeds went wild, and fan blogs tore There might be a reason for that. “It tends to become life-and-death for
him apart. “I was so incredibly nervous to start this job, and then the Inter- me,” says Skarsgård of his approach to each character. It may not be sus-
net is having so many hateful opinions on the weird, strange look of the tainable, he says, but it’s the only way he knows. And if he’s being honest,
thing,” he recalls. he enjoys the hunt. As he says, “I want to explore my own limitations.”
He couldn’t sleep. The insults echoed through his mind all night long. Explore. It’s the exact word that shows up when I speak to many of his for-
“This looks so stupid.” “Lame.” “Boooo.” But, in time, the haters forced mer collaborators.
him to make a decision that would change his approach to acting forever. From Muschietti: “What I saw in Bill that really excited me was his desire
“You can only make this performance to please yourself,” he says of the to explore.”
new attitude. He made himself both the creator and the audience in his Campos: “The people that you tend to admire tend to be on a path of
mind, and he figured out what he wanted to see. What he thought was cool. exploring what they’re interested in, regardless of public opinion. And Bill
Unsettling. Terrifying. is excited by making those choices.”
“It unlocked something in me,” he admits. “And it gave me the confidence With his leading role in The Crow, however, all eyes will be on Skarsgård.
that I can take on any challenge.” Long pause. Little smile. “At least, that’s Expectations for the movie are sky-high, and this time, it’s his own face—
how I feel when I accept these things.” big eyes, turned-up nose, rueful smile—front and center. It’s fair to say that
Do you ever have doubts? The answer comes fast: “Every movie I do,” he he has mixed feelings about this proposition. “There’s definitely worry
says, laughing. about that,” he admits, speaking about what the release may do to his pub-
Skarsgård is obsessive when he works. Spiraling so far into the psyche of lic profile. More eyeballs. More attention. More whispers at the grocery
his character, he usually comes up only to ask why the hell he’s putting him- store. “I’m trying to view the fame aspect as a challenge and navigate

6 4 S U M M E R 2 024
through it in a way that I’ll find happiness,” he says. “I really don’t think or unrealistic—like, ten head kicks in Power Rangers—he was vehemently
my line of profession is a recipe for happiness or contentment. Not a lot against it,” says Skarsgård.
of us are happy. And the more the fame is increased, the more turbulent We want what we can’t have, don’t we? Once Skarsgård was able to down-
and scary life becomes.” load and stream on his own, he discovered he loved those sorts of films. “My
Skarsgård tries to keep those worries out of his mind when he’s picking dad was morally against violence. So I wasn’t allowed to have toy guns,” he
jobs. He’s adamant that he is building his career not with some grand vision says. “But I’ve never held those ideals. I grew up in a different time. I don’t
but rather role by role. Yet when you look at his filmography, it is undeni- think playing a violent video game makes you a violent person.” Actually,
able that the stories he is drawn to are often twisted—occasionally, as he he adds, “I’ve always found violence fascinating.”
says, even “pure evil.” Skarsgård still considers himself a movie lover, but he’s streaky when it
“He doesn’t want to be a Hollywood heartthrob,” says Sanders. “And comes to sitting down to watch something he hasn’t seen. He also goes
that’s the legacy of a long career to me—if you’re not involved in the Hol- through prolonged periods when he isn’t watching anything at all.
lywood machine and you’re creating roles that you are emotionally con- When I ask him about his hobbies—or anything he generally enjoys—he
nected to. It’s like buying art. You just buy what you want to see on your answers similarly.
walls and not what you think is going to make you money. And he’s just What about TV? “In and out.”
got a weird taste in art.” Do you drink? “Off and on.”
David Leitch, who directed Skarsgård in Atomic Blonde, feels he still has Do you like when home is a loud and busy place, or do you crave quiet?
much more to show. “He's an actor that I believe can do anything,” the film- “I go in and out of different phases.”
maker says. “It’ll just be a matter of time before he does something that What do we know? He likes to cook. And, describing what downtime looks
reflects his comedic chops.” like for him, his partner, and their daughter, he says, “We’re adventurers.”
Skarsgård frequently gets asked why he favors such dark characters. There They’re with him in New York right now. Last night, they had a dinner of
is a subtext to the question: Why is a guy who looks as good as he does, who “tortellini and chicken parm” at Patsy’s.
could earn a hell of a lot of money playing lovable hunks and heroes, making Skarsgård does admit to having at least a few vices—coffee and nicotine
himself so damn terrifying, so damn unlikable—and perhaps unmarketable— mainly. Weed as well. In February, TMZ reported that he had been arrested
onscreen? Well, those roles are boring. Diving into the psyche of Count Orlok, in October 2023 for cannabis possession at Arlanda Airport in Stockholm.
a vampire raised by Belial’s own hand, though? Now, that’s fun. “You have to That definitely wasn’t his first time carrying it, but “it was my first time get-
use all of your imagination to try to come up with something cohesive,” he ting caught,” he quips, adding: “There’s ways to go in Sweden in terms of
says of the appeal. legalizing it and just generally being very conservative in that aspect.”
It’s also a two-way street, he reminds me. You can only book what He loves living near his family. One by one, each of the adult children has
you get offered, after all. “I’m drawn toward them the same way they’re moved back to Stockholm. He and his siblings get together often and, as
drawn toward me.” everyone’s family has grown, they’ve come to basically overrun the Skars-

why am I doing
O this to myself? I should not do this. It’s not healthy for me.”_______

NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO DIVULGE A SECRET: BILL SKARSGÅRD, THE gård country home. “Christmas is like twenty-five people,” he says proudly.
scariest clown ever to fill the big screen at your local theater, is not a fan of “That’s just immediate family.” He jokes: “We’ll have to get our own little
scary movies. “I’m not a huge horror buff.” Turns out he’s more of a com- island and call it Skarsisland in the future.”
edy guy. His most watched film? The Big Lebowski. He also very clearly enjoys being a dad. Throughout our time together,
Skarsgård’s early education in movies began in the same spot as most: on he peppers his answers to non-family-related questions with references
the couch with Dad. The entire family is close, he emphasizes multiple times to his daughter. The way she used to tuck in all her stuffed animals for bed
when we speak, but Skarsgård found more common ground with his father before she could even talk, for example, is proof to him that women are
than with his mother when he was young. Also, by necessity, more space. wired to be more empathetic than men. He mentions how her arrival helped
“We’re six kids,” he says, “so you kind of pick what side of the bed of your him put down permanent physical roots. And one of the first questions he
parents you sleep on. And my sister’s a year and a half younger than me, so asked me, in the lobby of his hotel before we set out for our walk, was if I
I got pushed off from Mom’s side fairly early onto Dad’s.” have kids of my own.
Skarsgård doesn’t seem entirely comfortable discussing his mother— He’s a deep thinker as well. The Crow costar FKA Twigs says Skarsgård
one of the few subjects he’s reticent about. “My mom’s gone through a lot,” spent most of his off days during production “training and contemplating.”
he says tentatively as we make our way around Belvedere Castle—which, And he acknowledges that the mysteries of the universe frequently disrupt
by happy accident, we’ve stumbled across in our wanderings. “I’m very his mind. “I have obsessively thought about those things,” he says. Littler
proud of who she is today. She’s devoted her life to help recovering pause. Bigger smile. “I’ll let you know when I have found the answers.”
alcoholics and addicts, which she’s gone through herself.” He doesn’t elab-
orate further. THERE IS A HEARTY, VOCAL CONTINGENT OF FANS WHO BELIEVE
So what were the Skarsgårds watching back in the day? Sergio Leone west- The Crow should have never—and I mean never—been made for the screen
erns, Kurosawa creations, Charlie Chaplin films, and Coppola’s catalog. All again. Partly because director Alex Proyas’s 1994 outing rocks. High-octane
of it. Stellan had taste, but he also had rules. And as for what was on the and surreal, it stood apart from anything else that had ever hit theaters. But
screens at home, he was adamant: “Whenever violence was romanticized the protective veil is cast more because it was both the breakout film for

6 5 S U M M E R 2 024
Trench coat and tank by
Hermès; trousers by Junya
Watanabe Man; badge pins
by Werkstatt:München.
Brandon Lee (son of martial-arts icon Bruce Lee) and the role that ended his was the sheer scale of the actor’s commitment.
life. Then twenty-eight years old, the actor was killed in an on-set accident Skarsgård arrived to set directly from another shoot and did four straight
when a prop gun malfunctioned. demanding months. No complaints. Very few off days. And then, “on the
Skarsgård echoes the sentiment that the movie’s marketing team has shared last night of shooting, I said to him—we had this agricultural tank filled with
elsewhere: This is not a remake of the earlier film but instead a second adap- black syrup—and I said, ‘Bill, I know it’s eleven at night and it’s not very warm
tation of the graphic novel. The 1994 movie had a straightforward revenge in there, but would you get in that oil and thrash around and scream and
plot. The 2024 version, helmed by Sanders (Snow White & the Huntsman), is come up out of that oil as if you’re possessed?’ ” Sanders says.
at its core a love story. Not a rosy one, though. “It’s romantic in the same What do you think happened next?
sense as a Cure song,” says the director. “There’s a melancholy there.”
Audiences see Skarsgård’s Eric and Twigs’s Shelly meet, fall in like, and SKARSGÅRD MAY BE AMBIVALENT ABOUT THE ENDING OF THE CROW,
tumble into love before she comes to her gruesome end. Only then does his but he visibly brightens when speaking about Nosferatu, director Robert
quest begin. It wrestles with doubt and desperately claws at life’s big ques- Eggers’s reimagining of the infamous 1922 silent picture. That film, an unau-
tions. Why are we here? What happens to us when we die? What would you give thorized adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula and a groundbreaking work
up to save the one you love? in the horror genre, starred Max Schreck as the Transylvanian monster. It
That’s all true—I’ve seen it—but have you been online lately? None of that changed the course of cinema entirely—both through its influence on future
will temper fans and critics who want to stack the two films and the two lead- directors and by helping to solidify future copyright laws. When the new
ing men against each other. film arrives on Christmas with Skarsgård in the role of the famously undead
Director Chad Stahelski, who worked with Skarsgård on John Wick: Chap- count, it will be the culmination of an eight-plus-year hunt for the lead.
ter 4 (“I think he’s my best villain ever,” says the filmmaker of the Marquis), He first met Eggers right after the director debuted The Witch, which Skars-
has a unique lens to offer on The Crow. He and Lee were close friends and gård loved, in 2015. Real life, it turned out, was even better than the movies
ran in the same circle of actors and stuntmen. And when Lee died, with for the actor. “It’s kind of like a date, right?” says Skarsgård, recalling the
much of the film not yet finished, Proyas called on Stahelski to stand in for meeting. “That’s the closest thing I can compare it to. You get a crush on
Lee in a number of scenes. (It’s a common misconception, Stahelski says, someone—you can’t stop thinking about that person. I’ve only had it a few
that he was involved as Lee’s stuntman from the start.) times, but that was so true with Robert. It was like, ‘Whatever this guy does,
“I had to sit for weeks with Alex Proyas and watch all of the footage,” he I just want to be a part of anything that this guy is making.’ ”
recalls. “Face replacement was not very big at the time—you had to mimic Eggers mentioned Nosferatu then, and Skarsgård was eager for basically
everything.” Painstakingly, and very much while in mourning, they fin- any role. First, he read for Friedrich Harding, a German ship merchant
ished the work. and a supporting (human) male character. That didn’t work, but he landed
How did you feel when you found out the movie was coming back—and that an offer for Thomas Hutter, the main protagonist. Great news. Anya
Skarsgård was playing Eric? “When I heard Bill was doing it, I was like, ‘That’s Taylor-Joy was attached, and things were moving ahead—until they weren’t.

Is the vampire he plays in Nosferatu sexy? __________________ ___________

“Hopefully you’ll get a little bit attracted
by it and disgusted by your O attraction at the same time.”

a good take.’ ” He adds, “I knew Bill was going to bring something different. The movie fell apart and came together again more than once in the fol-
Bill’s got that ethereal nature that makes him feel out of this world, or from lowing years. Scheduling. Funding. Who knows what—that’s showbiz. And
another planet or existence.” when it finally came together for the last time—the time when it was really
Back in Central Park, Skarsgård opens up about the fact that now, two going to get made—Skarsgård was left wondering if he still had the role.
years after filming wrapped, he feels a certain distance from the work. As When news emerged that Nosferatu was ramping back up, “I wrote this
with most topics, he is refreshingly candid. long, pleading email to Robert,” he remembers, amused by the memory.
That includes when discussing the ending of The Crow. I won’t spoil what Referencing Hutter’s fictional hometown, he adds, “I think the title was like
happens, but I will tell you that Skarsgård would have voted for a different Wisborg in Flames or something. I was just desperate to rekindle this thing
conclusion. Why film it the way they did? It made the path for a sequel easier, and be a part of it.”
his answer suggests. “I personally preferred something more definitive.” “It was very earnest,” Eggers says a week later over Zoom, equally pleased
The film was shot in Prague over the course of about four months. Mainly by the memory. “They say an expressionist artist doesn’t wear his heart on
at night. It was long and grueling but gratifying. The project marks Twigs’s his sleeve; they cut it out from their chests. It was raw, but it wasn’t too much.”
first lead role, and she fully credits Skarsgård with making the experience Even so, Eggers still went in another direction, casting Nicholas Hoult in
a rewarding one. “Working with Bill has changed the trajectory of my the role of Hutter this go-round. Skarsgård didn’t give up hope. There were
career, really,” she says. “He gave me a lot of confidence. He was very ten- other roles, right? Hell, he’d already read for Harding way back when. But
der with me.” that part soon went to Aaron Taylor-Johnson.
And once Sanders got past the initial shock of Skarsgård’s diet and daily Skarsgård made peace with it. Sort of. “ ‘Robert and I are done!’ ” he jokes
intake (“He eats about a pound of raw meat,” says the director. “He’s like a about how he felt at the time. “It was a fiery romance, but it never flour-
kind of caged beast. Every meal, he’d order tartare”), the only surprise left ished!” Then, in a move that, to Skarsgård, felt like it came out of nowhere,

67 S U M M E R 2024
Eggers reached out and asked him to read for Count Orlok. When the cre- but he was on a different level.” Laughing, he adds, “I was like, ‘This sounds
ative team was originally casting for the vampire, men in their mid-forties accurate, but I don’t know how to converse about this with any fluidity.’ ”
were being considered. Skarsgård would have been twenty years shy of that. Orlok’s look has, until now, been kept completely under wraps. And Skars-
But as time passed—and as Eggers and his team spoke with others in conten- gård is careful to leave it that way in conversation. What can he share? “I do
tion for the iconic role—the vision for the character transformed. not think people are gonna recognize me in it,” he reveals.
Skarsgård’s beauty was a boon, says the director. It might be nice, he I have questions. Well, just one: Is this vampire sexy? Long pause. “He’s
thought, to have audiences actually be attracted to the monster. But it’s not gross,” Skarsgård begins, slowly. “But it is very sexualized. It’s playing with
what nabbed him the part. Skarsgård read for the role multiple times. By a sexual fetish about the power of the monster and what that appeal has to
self-tape. Over Zoom. In the studio with his hair slicked back and fake nails you. Hopefully you’ll get a little bit attracted by it and disgusted by your
glued on. He tested out voices and sent them over piecemeal in voice notes. attraction at the same time.”
He did one makeup test, and then another. As Eggers puts it, that’s when
the light flicked on. “Somewhere in that second makeup test, I was like, ‘He’s AS WE LEAVE BELVEDERE CASTLE BEHIND AND WALK BACK TO HIS HOTEL,
become the character.’ It was eerie to see in the footage. Anything he did, Skarsgård returns to a common theme in our conversation. As much as he
anywhere he turned or looked, you were like, ‘He’s got it.’ ” enjoys the moviemaking process, he doesn’t care that much for the film
Some eighteen months later, the cast, which had lost Anya Taylor-Joy industry and all that comes with it. Even acting sometimes gives him the
but had gained Lily-Rose Depp, arrived in Prague to film. Skarsgård was ick. “There’s something gross about it,” he says.
comfortable there. He’d shot The Crow nearby and stayed at the same hotel But for now at least, it’s all about the next role. From New York, he will
for both productions. But this headspace was different. Darker. More sin- head to Toronto, where he’s filming something. “I don’t want to spoil it,” he
ister. He worked with an opera singer to bring his voice down to its lowest teases. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that a few days later, when I get Muschi-
possible pitch and spent three to six hours every day in makeup and pros- etti on the phone, he too is in Ontario’s capital—which happens to be where
thetics. The set was serious. Tense, even. Skarsgård was largely isolated both It movies were filmed. And earlier, when I’d asked Skarsgård if he would
from the rest of the cast, during prep as well as during the shoot. He felt be willing to play Pennywise again, he offered only a sheepish “maybe” in
like the character deserved it. Demanded it. “It took its toll,” he says now. reply. Have there been discussions about when that may happen? “Maybe.”
“It was like conjuring pure evil. It took a while for me to shake off the demon What happens after Skarsgård finishes filming in Toronto is up in the air.
that had been conjured inside of me.” Offers are coming and going. And while he’s open to anything, there’s really
The level of darkness that Skarsgård was able to channel was stunning, just one thing he wants. “I need time to refuel and figure things out before
says Eggers. “I remember early on, him trying to talk to me about what it I embark on the next thing,” he says. He could use a visit to Skarsisland, in
meant to be a dead sorcerer—and I’m into some pretty heavy occult shit, other words, before he goes exploring again.
 This page: Coat, tank, and trousers
by Junya Watanabe Man; skull ring
by the Great Frog. Opposite: Trench
coat, tank, and trousers by Prada;
belt by the Leather Man, NYC.

Production by Boom
Productions.
Grooming by Kevin Ryan
for Ludlow Blunt, Williamsburg.
Skin care by Ginger Ryan.
Set design by Michael Sturgeon.
Tailoring by Todd Thomas.
 what i’ve learned
Stephen King
AUTHOR; 76; BANGOR, MAINE Interview by ADRIENNE WESTENFELD

__ FAME IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. The older you get, the more of a pain in the ass it is. But you have to realize that it
comes with the territory. It’s just part of what you do.
__ THERE’S THIS OLD SPANISH SAYING: “God says, ‘Take what you want and pay for it.’” That’s the case with being
famous.
__ I KNEW A LOT when I was seventeen. But since then, it’s been a constant process of attrition.
__ YOU CAN’T THINK OF WRITING as an adult pursuit or anything that’s important. That’s a good way to turn into a gas-
bag and start to think that you’re really fucking important. You’re not. You just do your work.
__ I HAVE TO WORK EVERY DAY because I have to keep it fresh. If you take a few days off, it all starts to look kind of
tacky—like an old campaign poster that’s running in the rain.
__ IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK. I’ve got stories that just ram up against a brick wall. They’re in my right desk drawer.
I don’t look in there.
__ IF IT’S A GOOD REVIEW, it can be dismissed. If it’s a bad review, well, then that’s something you obsess over a
little bit.
__ THE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT FAILING is that it should always be a learning experience.
__ WHEN I HAVE A GOOD IDEA, I just know. It’s like if you have a bunch of cut-glass goblets set up and you’re hitting
them with a spoon. Clunk, clunk, clunk. And then one goes ding.
__ IN EVERY MARRIAGE, after the shine is off, then you get down to the serious work of building a relationship.
You can’t let the sun go down on your anger. These all sound like fucking platitudes. They become platitudes
for a reason.
__ BE THERE FOR YOUR KIDS. Say yes. Say yes as much as you can.
__ WHAT WOULD I TELL my twenty-year-old self? Stay away from dope and stay away from booze. Because you have a
tendency to go too far.
__ I’VE BEEN IN RECOVERY a day at a time for a long time now. All I know is what works for me: staying out of the wine
aisle in Publix.
__ THEY SAY THAT YOU DON’T GO TO A WHOREHOUSE to listen to the piano player, and if you hang around the barber-
shop, sooner or later you’re going to get your hair cut. So I try to stay away from temptation.
__ I LIKE TO USE my imagination. I like to go for walks. I dig the world in general.
__ TEN PERCENT OF MY TWEETS are political because every now and then, I just get so irritated about something. It
doesn’t change anybody’s mind, but it’s good to be able to say it. In the meetings that I go to, we say, “You have
to claim your chair.” Sometimes I feel like, yeah, I have to claim my chair.
__ THERE’S THIS SAYING that if you’re not a liberal in your teens, you don’t have a heart, and if you’re still a liberal in
your twenties and thirties, you don’t have a brain.
__ I THINK THAT, ACTUALLY, if you’re a liberal in your teens, you probably don’t have a brain. And if you’re not a lib-
eral by the time you’re in your thirties and forties, you don’t have a heart.
__ IF YOU ASK WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY ACCIDENT, it would be: Number one, stay on the sidewalk. I was walking in
the country, and the guy came over the hill and hit me.
__ OTHER THAN THAT, you learn about pain. But it doesn’t do any good, because you forget. The body has a way of
forgetting the trauma. I suffered a lot, and the writing helped me because it took me away. That’s probably a
healthy thing. You don’t want to live your life in a defensive crouch.
__ I CAN COOK FISH a thousand different ways, but I’m also one hell of a breakfast cook. I make a great cheese
omelet.
THE NEW YORK TIMES/REDUX

__ I’D LIKE TO BE KNOWN as somebody who died merry—who did his work as best as he could and was decent to other
people.
__ I THINK WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY IS “This is the scary guy—the guy who wrote the horror novels.” But I’d like to be
known as somebody who was just a decent human being.

P H OTO G R A P H B Y K R I STA S C H LU E T E R
70 S U M M E R 2024
Stephen King is the best-
selling author of more
than seventy-five books;
his latest, You Like It
Darker, is in stores now.
 heirs

to

the

Ewan Mitchell + Tom Glynn-Carney play brothers battling for power on the second season
of HBO’s Game of Thrones prequel, House of the Dragon. Off camera, they’re keeping each other humble.
By Brady Langmann Photographs by Guy Aroch Styling by Nick Sullivan

throne
On Glynn-Carney, left: Suit
($4,900) and shirt ($1,550) by
Gucci; Constellation Globemas-
ter watch ($7,900) by Omega;
necklaces, bracelets, and
earring, Glynn-Carney’s
own (worn throughout). On
Mitchell, right: Suit ($4,800)
and shirt ($850) by Gucci.

Opposite: Suit ($6,095)

and sunglasses ($813) by
Brunello Cucinelli; lock pendant
($14,200) by Tiffany & Co.
Jacket, trousers ($1,500), shirt ($1,100), and
sunglasses ($460), Celine Homme by Hedi
Slimane; High Jewelry chain bracelet and signet
ring ($20,000) by David Yurman.

Opposite: Suit ($3,300), shirt ($700), and

sunglasses ($550) by Dior Men; loafers ($1,995)
by Christian Louboutin; socks ($31) by Falke;
watch ($23,700) by Vacheron Constantin.
75 S U M M E R 2024
THE HOUSE OF THE DRAGON BROTHERS ARE George R. R. Martin’s Fire & Blood, so die-hards
having a smoke outside their hotel, looking like the already know what happens to Aegon and Aemond.
most famous British rockers who never existed. Or do they? “The books are the foundation of where
There’s Ewan Mitchell, twenty-seven, whose six- we’re going narratively, but things are tweaked,”
foot frame is hidden by a baggy black hoodie and says Glynn-Carney. “It’s the Bible, but it’s also not.
sweatpants. At his side is Tom Glynn-Carney, The writers of our show are brilliant and should be
twentynine, slightly shorter, looking proper as heck: given credit for their creation. George R. R. Martin
newsboy cap, cords, the works. They’re so perfectly, should be given credit for his creation. But they’re
lazily, and hilariously draped against the Soho not the same thing.”
Grand’s brick exterior that I expect someone to ask So how long should fans expect Mitchell and
for an autograph thinking they’re Cambridge Asy- Glynn-Carney to don their Targaryen locks? “We’ve
lum (my name for their fictional band), not Aemond been told at least twenty-five years,” Glynn-Carney
and Aegon Targaryen. says drolly. “No, fuck. It’s all up in the air, mate.”
We meet up inside the hotel’s restaurant and Says Mitchell: “I’m speaking from an angle of not
order drinks—beers for Tom and me, just a Coke for knowing anything about the plan, but I highly
Ewan. Before we get to their hit Game of Thrones doubt they’ll do what they did with Game of
prequel (season 2 debuts June 16), we address the Thrones and carry on after the book finishes.” He
latest sign of the apocalypse: the magnitude 4.8 adds, “I think our story will run its course and
earthquake that hit the New York City area earlier everyone will move on.”
that day. “We did not feel that,” says Mitchell with You get the sense that these two—as happy as
genuine FOMO. “We were getting dressed. Maybe they are to beef with each other in Westeros—don’t
because we were on one leg putting on trousers.” want to do it forever. There should be no shortage
“Maybe we were hovering for a moment,” adds of projects to choose from post-Dragon. Glynn-Car-
Glynn-Carney. “High on life, baby.” ney’s breakout role was in a little film called
In this alt-reality-Oasis thing the two have going Dunkirk, and we know that Christopher Nolan loves
on, Mitchell is the shy, sensitive one. (“I’ve heard repeat collaborators. Mitchell is no stranger to
online that I’ve got a pussycat face or something. I working with auteurs himself; the man is such a
do something with my lips. I pout.”) And Glynn- chameleon that you probably didn’t even realize
Carney—who until recently was actually the lead he was in Emerald Fennell’s Saltburn, screaming,
singer of an indie folk band called Sleep Walking “FUCKIN’ ASK ME A SUM THEN!” at Barry Keoghan.
Animals—is the guy who’ll match you Guinness for “I loved you in this knitwear in that film,”
Guinness. (When the server hands me a beer: “Oh, Glynn-Carney quips. “You can pull off a chunky knit.”
here we go. Here we go. This is what you need. Come “I need to buy more of it. I just wear lots of Adi-
on. Hey!”) das, whatever that says.”
The two onscreen siblings are in town from “Satan. That’s what that says. He’s a satanist.”
England for a weekend of early House of the Dragon This’ll sound like bullshit, but it rings true with
promotion. They’re taking over leading-men duties these two: They’re simply happy to be here and
for the HBO series, which is a Succession-esque tale grateful for the success that’s come their way so far.
focused on the Targaryen family, told nearly two Mitchell thinks of it in terms of how he measures
hundred years before the events of Game of many things in life: by Great (but Slightly Cheesy)
Thrones. (Glynn-Carney: “Not that it needs any American Movie Moments. “Good Will Hunting is
advertising at all, but Game of Thrones is fucking one of my top ten films,” he says. “I love that line
amazing.”) Season 1 of House of the Dragon largely that Ben Affleck says to Matt Damon: If you don’t
followed younger versions of their characters do it for you, do it for me—because I’d give anything
(played by different actors), the never-not- to have what you’ve got. My mates back home work
bickering brothers Aegon and Aemond. The final in construction. There’s things that they have that
three episodes reintroduced the siblings at ages I want and things that I have that they want.”
21 and 18, respectively: Aegon (Glynn-Carney), the Glynn-Carney chimes in: “Checking your privi-
reluctant misfit chosen to sit on the Iron Throne, lege, ain’t it?”
and Aemond (Mitchell), the cunning younger “You’ve got to check yourself to be grateful.”
brother who wants to usurp him. As we wrap up around 8:00 P.M., Glynn-Carney
“In the last three episodes of season 1, I presented and Mitchell ponder the next day’s official duties.
a character that was entirely black,” says Mitchell. (Glynn-Carney: “I just wish there was puppies
“In season 2, I can’t wait to turn him gray.” And involved.”) I ask if they’re heading to bed.
Aegon? “He comes into his own as an unpredict- “It feels stupid to go to bed when you’re in Man-
able live wire,” says Glynn-Carney. “He’s intensely hattan,” Glynn-Carney says. “But then again . . .”
ambitious and incapable of pursuing the things he “A shower would be nice!” Mitchell interjects.
sets for himself.” “It’s a good start,” Glynn-Carney says.
Keep in mind: House of the Dragon is based on “A shower.”
 Suit ($6,095) and sunglasses
($813) by Brunello Cucinelli;
lock pendant necklace ($14,200)
by Tiffany & Co.

Opposite, on Glynn-Carney:
Jacket and trousers by Hermès.
On Mitchell: Jacket and trousers
by Brioni; Signet ring ($5,500) and
band ring ($850) by De Beers.
On Mitchell: Coat ($3,495) and suit
($3,295) by Ralph Lauren Purple
Label; Laureato Evergreen watch
($14,300) by Girard-Perregaux.
On Glynn-Carney: Shirt ($1,250)
and trousers $1,375) by Loro Piana;
boots ($965) by Guidi; Serpenti
Viper ring ($2,360) by Bulgari.
On Glynn-Carney: Jacket
($4,300), trousers ($1,025)
and tank ($750) by Hermès;
sneakers ($60) by Vans;
Love necklace ($2,710) by
Cartier. On Mitchell: Jacket
($6,440), trousers ($2,080),
and shirt ($790) by Brioni;
shoes ($1,445) by Christian
Louboutin.

Opposite: Jacket ($3,695)

by Giorgio Armani;
T-shirt ($85) by ATM;
Naga Y necklace ($1,995)
by John Hardy.

Grooming by Melissa
DeZarate using La Mer
and Kevin Murphy.
Tailoring by Joseph Ting.
For store information
see page 104.
 the BEST

in AMERICA 2024
S OM E T I M E S YO U J UST WA N T T O S E T T L E I N. S OM E T I M E S YO U N E E D T O
call the audible, cancel the next meetup, ask the sitter to stay late, and get your friends
to come to you, because you’ve found the place with an energy so perfect—
exactly what you were looking for on that day, in that moment—that,
really, could anything go up from here? ¶ More bars these days seem to
be a complete package, like a nightlife one-stop shop. They can be a
club if you want—you know, the kind you dance in. They can be
the place where you order a bottle of Champagne and end-
less oysters. They can be a jazz lounge. They can be the
place where you think you’ve stumbled on a garage
party attended by the city’s coolest people (in a
city you didn’t know had cool people). They
can be that dimly lit vault where you and
everyone else become someone
else. ¶ Bars have always been
that third place, the spot
where you hang out-
side work and home.
But as we’ve discov-
ered crisscrossing the
country over the past
twelve months to visit
the new bars, they’re
doing that in more nu-
anced and varied ways
than they have in a
long time. ¶ It’s not
just about the drinks.
Then again, it’s never
just about the drinks.
—KEVIN SINTUMUANG
P H OTO G R A P H S B Y J OÃO CA N Z I A N I

LEFT: Scenes from some of this year’s best bars in America. We escaped with fiery
and smoky cocktails at Paradise Lost; explored the depths of the martini at Tusk
Bar and Tigre; settled in on the couch with friends and a bottle of wine at Parcelle;
and experienced elegance with a twist at Portrait Bar, our favorite new hotel haunt.
RETURN of the LOUNGE
MARTINIS AND MUSIC. GLAMOUR AND VELVET. ALL YOU NEED FOR A BIG NIGHT OUT.

and enter the handsome

room with its illuminated
back bar, you know you’ve
stepped into something
special. WHAT YOU’RE
HAVING: The Hot Seven, a
take on the Last Word that
subs rye for gin and has a
dash of pineapple juice to
create a foamy texture af-
ter it’s shaken. —Omar
Mamoon HOME OF THE
OG MARTINI

Medium Cool Where

MIA MI B E AC H

The name says it all. In was the dry

South Beach, which teems martini
with hot spots that are just a
little too clubby, Medium invented?
Cool straddles the line be- Many claim
tween world-class cocktail
bar and a place where you Times
can listen to live jazz or a DJ Square’s
set and, if the mood strikes,
get up and dance. And you Knicker-
Tigre
probably will. MC could eas- bocker Hotel.
Prickly Pear (bacanora) and hind SF’s seminal cocktail ily kill it as just another bar
N E W YORK CI T Y Agave (raicilla). Down a few bar Bourbon & Branch, with a doorman and velvet With the
This intimate Lower East and you’ll emerge from the and his latest project, banquettes, but the fact that landmark’s
Side bar is like the slingshot den neither knowing the downtown’s Dawn Club, is it is low-key one of the best
that launches you into the time nor caring all that crushing the doom-loop cocktail bars in America new Charlie
glorious night. It’s the much, for the night and all narrative with well-made (and not in a snooty sense— Palmer Steak
Golden Snitch of a good its adventures await. WHAT drinks and live jazz every it has a shots menu) makes it
time: a compact gilded YOU’RE HAVING: The Ciga- night. Walk down Market a must-stop in Miami. WHAT IV, you can
now get

LY D I A L E E ( C H A R L I E PA L M E R S T E A K I V M A R T I N I ) . I N E R T I A U N L I M I T E D ( D AW N C L U B ) .
room lined with undulating rette martini, a very good Street and it’s easy to miss YOU’RE HAVING: The Piña
booths and bodies undulat- smoky cocktail made with the small alley the bar is lo- Colada Daiquiri, a blend of
ing on them, bathed in a Empirical Spirits Charlene cated in. But once you two of the most essential the original
low light, reached through McGee, Truman vodka, and pass the wooden podium warm-weather drinks. —K. S. version of
a long hallway and purga- Cap Corse vermouth.
torial door. Once inside, —Joshua David Stein the quintes-
everyone is serving looks, sential drink
from the bartender to the
waiter, a dead ringer for Dawn Club at its birth-
Jesus but hotter, who sa-
S A N F RA N C I SC O
place.
shays in a cream silk pant- People not from San Fran-
suit, holding trays of cisco always seem to ask me
cocktails much better than these days: How’s San Fran-
they need be. (Tigre is from cisco doing? And my re-
the Maison Premiere team, sponse is always the same:
no slouches when it comes It’s going through a tough
to bars.) The menu, writ on moment. But people like TOP LEFT: Scenes from Tigre on
New York’s Lower East Side.
gold paper, features cock- Brian Sheehy are what
BOTTOM: Downtown San
tails with lesser-known make a city like this everlast- Francisco’s Dawn Club has live
agave-based spirits like the ing. Sheehy is the man be- jazz every night.

84 S U M M E R 2024
HIT the ESCAPE BUTTON
YEARNING TO FLEE FROM REALITY FOR A BIT, LIKE TO ANOTHER GALAXY? THAT’S WHAT THESE BARS ARE FOR.

lights and bamboo-clad WHAT YOU’RE HAVING: The genated air and cigarette most creative and dialed-in
Paradise Lost booths, plus lots of fish nets Damnboo, a refreshing take smoke, you’ll need to peel you’ll find in Vegas. WHAT
N EW YORK CI T Y
and trippy vintage para- on the bamboo cocktail away from the Strip to reset YOU’RE HAVING: The date
You are welcomed with phernalia. There are flights with fino sherry, umeshu a bit, to feel something old-fashioned. A classic
the ol’ secret-bar shtick: of esoteric, hard-to-find plum sake, caraway, and more real. There’s no short- made just a bit more com-
Discreet door. Buzz to rums that come in mini aloe. —K. S. age of real Vegas, but noth- plex with a date infusion.
open. But this isn’t some treasure chests and a ing makes you believe —K. S.
dimly lit drink temple. It’s cocktail list of more than you’ve wandered into an
much weirder: a tropical twenty entries that range Liquid Diet impromptu garage party
bar with punk sensibilities from twists on classics like
L AS V EG AS
like Liquid Diet. Located La Dolce Vita
BE VE RLY HI L LS
(this is the East Village, after the piña colada to drinks Visit Vegas enough and down an alley in an old me-
all) and ultra-nerd cocktail that push the boundaries unless you are a casino die- chanics shop in the Gateway A taste of the good life
ambitions dressed up in red of tropical cocktails. hard who thrives on oxy- District, with the glow of the comes in many forms at La
Stratosphere a few blocks Dolce Vita. Sure, there’s the
away, this is unlike any hearty Italian red-sauce fare
other Vegas scene you may coming from the kitchen—
have encountered before: a bone-in veal Parmesan
thrifted furniture, loud mu- larger than your face and gi-
sic, and strange yet delight- ant plates of vongole gener-
ful culinary cocktails whose ous on the clams—but these
names are scribbled on are just items that allow you
pieces of cardboard hung to imbibe more. Sit at the
up above the bar. Despite burgundy-colored booth
the makeshift vibe, the with white tablecloths
cocktails are some of the where Frank Sinatra once
drank or hang out at the bar
and take in the see-and-be-
seen nostalgic sixties Holly-
wood scene: the dark and
dimly lit brick-walled room,
the leopard-spotted carpet,
servers in black bow ties
and cream-colored suits
tending to exceedingly well-
dressed celebs (or those
who look like celebs). Is that
Dua Lipa or does it just look
like Dua Lipa? Take another
sip of your Gibson and
you’ll realize that it doesn’t
really matter. WHAT YOU’RE
HAVING: A Gibson—this
silky-smooth version is one
of our Best Martinis in
America for a reason. —O. M.

New York’s Paradise Lost is a

tropical wonderland with a punk
sensibility and lots of things that
are lit on fire.

85 S U M M E R 2024
The COCKTAIL DENS
THESE PLACES PROVE THAT INSPIRATION CAN STILL BE FOUND IN A SHAKER.

Refuge
HO USTO N

With Anvil, bartender/

owner Bobby Heugel
helped put Houston on the
cocktail map by introduc-
ing a big, fun spot that actu-
ally made killer cocktails.
Refuge is Anvil’s sophisti-
COCKTAIL OF
cated but not pretentious THE YEAR
cousin, located upstairs. A THE TOMATO TREE
replica of Havana’s El Flo- AT SIP & GUZZLE
ridita neon sign welcomes
you. But the rest of the Tomato
space is dark, energized by
hip-hop and drinks that feel
water is
classic rather than trendy, one of the
even though this might be
the first time you’re tasting
cocktail
Oaxacan rum in a daiquiri. world’s most
WHAT YOU’RE HAVING: The
Greenhorn, a bright-green
subtle ingre-
drink that proves Midori is dients. It can
a worthy liqueur. —K. S.
Martiny’s led by Takuma Watanabe,
get battered
N E W YORK CI T Y
from the original Angel’s
Equal Measure
into obliv-
The name is not a typo. Share, the bar that started
The Gramercy carriage N. Y. C.’s cocktail revolu- BO STO N ion, but
house that houses this Tokyo- tion. WHAT YOU’RE A portrait of Stanley Tucci play with it
meets-Manhattan-style bar HAVING: Anything dar- shaking a Negroni greets
was once owned by sculp- ing. With karaage and you, as a nod to the name of
gently, with
tor Philip Martiny. And caviar, of course. —K. S. the joint: The Negroni is the ingredients
yes, you’ll get a lovely mar- most famous equal-parts
tini, but go beyond the drink, but tried-and-true
like Roku
straight-up classics and try
Sip & Guzzle cocktail folks know that you gin and rice
NE W YO R K CI T Y
the Grand Martiny, a deli- Schneider mixes up deft certainly don’t shake it.
cate dance of elderflower Little Cornelia Street al- but highly approachable Sometimes you just need to
shochu, as
liqueur, gin, sherry, and co- ways seems to be humming drinks at Guzzle on the do you, though. And that’s Sip’s Shingo
gnac. The menu feels like a now with the arrival of this upper level, and Shingo the spirit of this spot from
high-wire act, but it all stays all-star collaboration: Em- Gokan, longtime beverage revered Boston bartender
Gokan does,
afloat courtesy of a team ployees Only alum Steve director at Angel’s Share, Jackson Cannon, who and you’ll
helms Sip downstairs, a helmed Eastern Standard,
space that echoes the inte- one of the greatest high-
get the
essence of a
E R I C M E D S K E R ( S I P & G U Z Z L E , TO M ATO T R E E )

rior of an Edo-period naval volume bars in the country.

ship. It’s a bit of “party up (It closed but is now back,
top and business on the bot- located down the hall from
late-summer
tom” but a big night out no EM.) You can get martini dinner in
matter which way you cut riffs or simply order a pil-
it. WHAT YOU’RE HAVING: sner. But with this level of
a glass.
Sip’s Wagyu old-fashioned. drink making, opt for the
Bourbon, peanut butter, cocktails. WHAT YOU’RE
and Wagyu-beef fat—as HAVING: Down the Rabbit
delightful as it is strange Hole. It’ll change your mind TOP: Martini riffs and scallops at
sounding. —K. S. about carrot greens. —K. S. Martiny’s. LEFT: The bar at Sip.

8 6 S U M M E R 2 024
 ALL DAY at the WINE BAR
A BOTTLE, SOME SNACKS, AND LOTS OF TIME TO SPARE? THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE.

Nine Bar Parcelle

CH I CAGO NE W YO R K C I T Y

Head to the back room of Parcelle looks less like a

the Moon Palace restau- wine bar and more like a liv-
rant—family run and serv- ing room decorated with
ing the community since European modernist furni-
1995—and you will find the ture, including a snaking de
neon-lit Nine Bar, from Sede couch and Gio Ponti
Lily Wang and Joe Briglio. chairs in a shade of emerald
It serves mapo fries and green similar to the exterior
drinks that lean into the of this Chinatown spot. On
ingredients of the neigh- the walls hang embroider-
borhood (e.g., Calpico, ies of mushrooms and other
Szechuan peppercorns, flora—it’s a sensual room.
plums). The Blade Runner The ever-changing wine list
vibe is heavy here, but the is curated by sommelier
DJ and the angular, big- and owner Grant Reynolds.
flavor cocktails keep the There’s an excellent by-the-
overall atmosphere light. glass list, but so many of the
WHAT YOU’RE HAVING: The bottles are priced so well
Mahjong Money, made with that this really is one of the
mezcal, Japanese whisky, best places in the city to set-
matcha, honey, lemon- tle in and get some refined
grass, and ginger. —K. S. bar snacks like uni toast and
Kaluga caviar sliders. WHAT
YOU’RE HAVING: A grower
Bar Next Door Champagne. You’ll almost
LOS A NGE LE S
always find a gem here for
In La La Land, new drink- under $100. —K. S.
ing joints often take two
forms: high-gloss, social-
media-ready hellholes or Light Years Sauvage Wine
wannabe social clubs. Both H O U STO N

are awful! (And both often Sometimes when I travel,

Bar and Shop
P HO E N IX
serve terrible drinks.) Then I don’t want to go out to a
there’s Bar Next Door. This bar—I’d rather chill at a The Helen Anderson
Sunset Strip establishment friend’s house with wine. House was built for the
whispers Golden Age Holly- When I’m in Houston spe- widow of an insurance-
wood with art-deco decor cifically, that friend is Steve company organizer. Today,
and cognac-hued, leather- Buechner. His house is all the cool kids in town
wrapped furniture. The stacked with the good stuff. throw natty-wine-fueled
menu is divided into old Okay, fine—I’ve met Steve dance parties in her living
standbys and new takes that only once, and he made me room late into the night.
combine seemingly incongru- pay for the wine. But his The English cottage revival
ent ingredients like chloro- natural-wine bar and bottle home has housed various
phyll, Bénédictine, and shop, Light Years, is located businesses over the years,
Japanese whisky into highly in a house in Montrose, and like a café and a gift shop,
sippable elixirs. WHAT if you go, he’ll treat you like but make no mistake: Its
YOU’RE HAVING: The Olive a friend and allow you to current incarnation is defi-
Drive, a twist on the vesper linger as long as you want nitely the most fun. WHAT
with savory olive brine and (or until last call). WHAT YOU’RE HAVING: A glass of
Parcelle feels more like a posh
Thai chile. Daunting? Maybe. YOU’RE HAVING: Anything something effervescent
living room than it does a wine
But after one taste, it’s true your new BFF Steve is pour- bar. Part of it is the furniture. Part (like a pét-nat) to help you
love. —Daniel Dumas ing behind the bar. —O. M. of it is the caviar sliders. party all night. —O. M.

87 S U M M E R 2024
The DISCREET CHARM of the HOTEL BAR
SEMISECRET NOOKS CARVED OUT FROM THE LOBBY CAN MAKE FOR SOME QUIET MAGIC.

Simmer Down
W I L M I N G TO N , DE L AWAR E

Yes, Wilmington. In the

Quoin, a little hotel housed in
a former bank, you’ll dis-
cover Simmer Down in the
old money room. Today, it’s
a richly detailed space with a
green-marble bar; a surreal-
ist, hand-painted mural with
whimsical nods to the area;
and swivel chairs with ani-
your teeth. The cocktails mals in a fairy-tale setting.
pay tribute to cities around The drinks are creative, but
the world, from Oaxaca to there’s nothing wrong with
Kolkata to Seoul, and the heading straight for the mar-
darkness of the partly hid- tini. There’s a whiff of Bemel-
den room has such a calm- mans here—who knew
ing effect that you might Delaware could be this cool?
try to hold on to your table WHAT YOU’RE HAVING: The
for hours as you let your pal- Gravy Train, a very twisted
ate hopscotch around the rum and coke. —K. S.
globe. WHAT YOU’RE
HAVING: Everything.
—Jeff Gordinier Punch Room
at the Edition
Tampa
Collins at the TAM PA
Fontainebleau Fitting for Tampa, with its
L AS V EG AS
history of pirates and priva-
For the most part, the teers dating back to the sev-
ubiquitous Vegas lobby bar, enteenth century, is a bar
the first place you encoun- that leans into the more so-
ter when you enter the phisticated spirits of the Ca-
hotel/casino, can feel a bit ribbean. But this is a swank
agena. You may think you eran chef Andrew Carmelli- generic—just something to Edition, so you won’t find
Portrait Bar don’t need any bar snacks ni’s crispy oysters with a hit in between rounds of kitschy tropical tropes here.
N E W YORK CI T Y
fancier than a bowl of nuts, celery-root rémoulade or blackjack. That’s not the The lush room is a fusion
Portrait Bar, in the Fifth Ave- but that’s only because you his tuna tartare tucked into case with Collins, a circular of azure and chartreuse—
nue Hotel, stands as a shining haven’t yet nibbled on vet- nori that deftly crackles in bar with a bit of Miami- settle in and explore. The
example of what can tran- meets-Vegas glam. (Think drinks are delicate and re-
spire when people really marble, brass, velvet, and velatory; they’re tropical,
know what they’re doing. The dim mood lighting.) You’re but you’ll want to dress up
drinks and the food reflect a greeted with silver trays of for them. WHAT YOU’RE
quiet but confident virtuosity. olives and Marcona al- HAVING: Ziggy’s Punch,
N I KO L A S KO E N I G ( P U N C H R O O M )

You may think a martini has monds, and you can throw which evokes eating jerk
no use for aguardiente and down and get caviar service chicken on the beach. —K. S.
cherry-bark vanilla bitters, if you’re in the high-roller
but that’s only because you spirit. WHAT YOU’RE HAV-
haven’t yet sipped veteran ING: The Hotel Nacional TOP: Portrait Bar’s Darryl Chan
garnishing a cocktail. BOTTOM:
barman Darryl Chan’s Barrio Special, a forgotten classic
The chartreuse, dark-wood,
Getsemani, informed by the that’s an even more tropical and azure lushness that is the
flavors and fragrances of Cart- riff on the daiquiri. —K. S. Punch Room.
 OYSTERS UP!
BRINY BIVALVES AND ELEGANT DRINKS ARE AN UNSTOPPABLE COMBINATION.

Tusk Bar
NE W YO RK CI T Y

Tusk Bar bills itself as a

raw bar, but that might not
register at first. Located
through the lobby of the
Evelyn Hotel, the space re-
sembles more of a jazz-age
salon than a place where COCKTAIL OF
lots of shucking is happen- THE YEAR
ing. There are oysters, yes, MIGNONETTE
but the menu is from chefs GIBSON
Jeremiah Stone and Fabián AT TUSK BAR
von Hauske Valtierra of
Wildair, so you’ll want the Just a few
pillowy panisse, the
live-scallop crudo, and that
drops of
decadent Wagyu-steak mignonette
sandwich. And it’s a bar,
too. Tristan Brunel’s drinks
into an icy-
are delightfully off-kilter: cold martini
The old-fashioned has a
hint of sesame, and the
(from the
Bloody Mary is seasoned freezer) and
with fermented chile.
WHAT YOU’RE HAVING:
you have an
The mini martinis with an elevated,
oyster shooter. What a way
to start things off. —K. S.
gourmet
dirty. Warn-
Traveling ing: You
Mercies might end
AU RORA , C OLO R A D O
Sometimes the best bars
up doing
are in the most unexpected argument. WHAT YOU’RE the drinks are too good not this to all
places. Exhibit A: Traveling HAVING: A salty sake- to consider this a place
Mercies, a cocktail and oys- infused oyster shooter to where you’d want to make a
your marti-
ter bar tucked away on the start, a couple bone-dry night out of bubbly, marti- nis at raw
top floor of a food hall/mar- sherry-and-gin martinis, a nis, and seafood. There are
ketplace in Aurora, a sub- dozen oysters, and an ice- five Champagnes by the
bars from
urb twenty minutes east of cold shrimp cocktail before glass, and the cocktails, by here on in.
Denver. On one side of the you head downstairs to sis- Oliver Brooks, are the right
low-ceilinged room is a row ter restaurant Annette for kind of light and bright ac-
of barstools looking out on your main meal. —O. M. companiments to both the
ERIC MEDSKER (MIGNONETTE GIBSON)

the expanse (the room was Houston heat and a plateau

once an observation deck of oysters, blue crab, and
for an airport runway); on
Little’s gulf shrimp. WHAT YOU’RE
the opposite side is the to his right, oysters are be- Oyster Bar HAVING: The Windward Isle.
back bar, where bar man- ing shucked, swiftly and H O USTON Imagine a Hotel Nacional
ager Matt Baczor is stirring deftly. You may debate Despite the name, Little’s cocktail turned into a mar- TOP: Tusk Bar’s mini martinis
with an oyster sidecar.
bone-dry martinis in one whether daiquiris or marti- Oyster Bar is definitely tini and this is what you get
BOTTOM: Bartender Tristan
hand while shaking up po- nis go better with oysters. more of a restaurant, but here. Sophisticated yet trop- Brunel throwing his riff on
tent daiquiris in the other; There are no losers in this the bar itself is ample and ical. —K. S. the Bloody Mary.

89 S U M M E R 2024
 Shirt ($1,350), necklace
($2,840), and earring by
Louis Vuitton Men’s; boxers
by Schostal Originals.
Inspired by Hawaii and Hong Kong, Pharrell made a collection for Louis Vuitton that’s good for the beach, the boat, and the bar
By Jonathan Evans Photographs by Jason Kibbler Styling by Alfonso Fernández Navas

Louis Vuitton trunk with all

clothing and accessories by
Louis Vuitton Men’s.

Tank, shorts ($1,210), and hat

($665) by Louis Vuitton Men’s.
 It’s more than five thousand miles from Hono-
lulu to Victoria Harbour. In between, it’s open
ocean, the odd pinprick of an island punctuat-
ing all that blue. The distance is imposing.
Unless you’re Pharrell Williams. Hawaii and
Hong Kong may seem far removed from each
other—culturally and geographically—but Phar-
rell doesn’t see it that way. Travel. The sea. The
inevitable mash-up of people and the perspec-
tives that come with them. They pull the two
together, and they’re exactly what Pharrell ex-
plores in his latest collection for Louis Vuitton,
in which nautical themes, surf-inspired styling,
and bold prints meet upscale fabrications and
city-ready silhouettes. It works, especially if
you’re the type of guy who catches a wave in
the morning and a private jet in the afternoon.
This is no coincidence. As a musician, a
producer, and—since early 2023—the men’s
creative director of one of the biggest fashion
labels on the planet, Pharrell is a specialist
in melding disparate ideas and identities and
transforming them into something greater than
the sum of their parts. People, places, and what
they mean to each other emotionally are at the
forefront of his work.
His debut collection at Louis Vuitton drew a
line between his hometown of Virginia Beach
and his newly adopted base in Paris, taking
American icons like the varsity jacket and
adding intricate “Lovers”-themed embroidery
to the back, a nod to Virginia’s slogan. (It’s
“for lovers,” as you surely know.) This time
around, the vision has evolved. There are the
breezy styles—Bermuda shorts in bold prints,
often with matching shirts—you’d expect to find
beachside. There are nautical nods, like double-
breasted suits and blazers with brass-circled
buttons. And there are items destined for
downtown, like streamlined leather jackets and
dark denim with the iconic Vuitton monogram.
But it’s when sand and sea come together—as
they do on standout pieces like high-waisted
flared trousers emblazoned with a bright pink
tropical print—that you see the throughline of
Pharrell’s overarching project. The search for
a common thread is at the core of everything.
Because above all else, Pharrell understands
that clothing is a means of cultural communica-
tion in our shared journey. And yes, you’ll also
look very cool along the way.

92 S U M M E R 2024
Jacket ($3,050), tank, trousers
($1,590), loafers ($1,730), belt,
necklace ($700), and earring
by Louis Vuitton Men’s.

Opposite, top: Tank and trousers

($1,470) by Louis Vuitton Men’s;
Volt ring ($4,050) and V-ring
($1,940) by Louis Vuitton Fine
Jewelry; Tambour watch ($26,500)
by Louis Vuitton. Bottom: Leather
jacket ($5,750), shirt ($1,840), shorts
($1,350), necklace ($2,840), socks,
and earring by Louis Vuitton Men’s.

Hair by Dennis Lanni using

Dyson Pro Tools. Grooming by
Devra Kinery using Mario Badescu.
Tailoring by Todd Thomas.
IMAGE THAT I CAN’T FORGET—THE ONE THAT TRULY PULLS ME INTO THE SAVAGE ,
surreal, and ridiculously compelling world of professional slap fighting—is the open hand of heavy-
weight champion Damien “the Bell” Dibbell smashing into the giant bearded face of Ryan “the King
of Kings” Phillips in slow motion. In the moment, I can’t tell whether my horror or pleasure is greater.
Phillips’s eyes are closed, all 255 pounds of him anticipating the blow, hoping to endure it so he can
return fire. He can’t move to evade the slap. That’s not allowed in this relatively new, super-fast-
growing combat sport. Flinching is a foul—spiritually, the greatest foul in slap fighting—and the pen-
alty is that your opponent gets an extra chance to smash you in the face. So you just have to take the
blow. Dibbell’s slap takes maybe a second to deliver in real time. Phillips drops—whatever was him,
gone at least briefly—and his body crumples to the ground.
It’s the replay, caught with super-slo-mo cameras, that makes it exactly the kind of weird I like: We
see the hand approaching the face and then the impact. BAM! Phillips’s face is briefly displaced off
his skull, his neck skin stretching, his face in this moment deformed like a rubber mask—that’s how
unlike a face it looks!—and then suddenly it snaps back on. And in that extended instant we see the
light going out. His face is almost peaceful as he falls in the aftermath of such a sudden blast of pain.
The clip ends and we don’t see what happens after.
This is the money shot that Power Slap—the newer of the two American slap-fighting leagues, the
one with the vastly higher budget and bigger footprint—has perfected. It’s shocking. It’s dumb. It’s
fun. It’s nuts. It’s barbaric. And it’s brief, so it’s extremely shareable online, which is part of the point.
In an age of the unreal and the fake, the AI-doctored and the dubiously sourced, slap fighting—a sport
in which two men stand over a pedestal or a barrel and take turns slapping each other and being
slapped—is indisputably really freaking real. It’s so real, in fact, and seems so simple that it almost
feels like it can’t be. No way, you think. They’re not actually just doing this. Shouldn’t somebody stop
them? This is awesome!
Most articles incorrectly trace slap fighting back to a 2019 video from a Russian strongman com-
petition that went viral. But they’re wrong, at least according to JT Tilley, CEO of SlapFIGHT Cham-
pionship (SFC), the original slap-fighting league, which continues as an underground, more intimate
alternative to Power Slap. Tilley tells me that he started slap fighting as a rules-based sport four years
earlier, in 2015, after he saw a viral video from Lubbock, Texas.
In the video, taken at an Ink Masters Tattoo Convention, set in what looks like a high school gym,
two unsvelte dudes square off over a picnic table covered with a taped-on red tablecloth. A slightly
smaller guy in a hat slaps the face of a big dude with his back to the camera, but not hard enough to do
much damage. As an announcer on the stage hypes up the crowd, the big dude returns the slap, knock-
ing the smaller guy out. He goes limp immediately from the blow; the crowd goes absolutely apeshit.

Far left: Ryan “the

King of Kings” Phillips
enters the octagon in
Las Vegas before his
Power Slap heavy-
weight title fight.
Near left: The mo-
ment he was KO’d by
the champ, Damien
“the Bell” Dibbell.
Top right: Wildman
connects with FPS
on his way to winning
a decision at Slap-
FIGHT 420 in Okla-
homa City. Bottom
right: The crowd at
SlapFIGHT 420 reacts
to the action.
 S C H I A F F O L LC ( P O W E R S L A P )

97 S U M M E R 2024
98 S U M M E R 2024
The comments below the Lubbock video outline SlapFIGHT can’t match the speed and scale of I should say before we get too deep into this:
the conflict that continues to rage around—and not Power Slap’s growth trajectory, but it still boasts a I’m not a fan of combat sports. I haven’t been in
coincidentally help spread—slap fighting: a con- pretty robust global following. The SFC YouTube a fight since eighth grade. My contributions to my
trast of thrilled, jacked-up smack talk versus “We’re channel has some 250,000 subscribers, with more own pain threshold are distance running and lack
close to landing men on Mars, yet this exists.” than 57 million views since it launched. Tilley claims of self-control when eating bags of chips. That is,
It was after seeing that video and the response that SFC has garnered more than 2.5 billion views I’m a bit of a glutton and definitely a wuss, which
online, says Tilley, that he decided to “invent” globally across all platforms and says the league became super obvious watching these guys hit
slap fighting as a proper sport. That meant giv- has been televised in Hungary, Switzerland, Ger- and take hits from one another. I have no interest
ing it shape and rules. And also trying to make it many, the South Pacific, Nigeria, and the Middle in seeing how much pain I could take by being
safe—by which he means safer relative to what it East. Its most recent event, says Tilley, was seen slapped. But I like watching men do crazy stuff.
was at the time, which was a total free-for-all. The online by 500,000 people live. And how crazy it is, and in what ways, is what I
underground videos he was watching online were Slap fighting is unsafe, but all combat sports wanted to find out, so I went to experience two
wild and compelling, sure. But he remembers are. This is why we watch them. Frankly, most slap-fighting events live: Power Slap 7 in Vegas and
thinking, Somebody’s going to die out there. So Til- contact sports are dangerous, points out Power SlapFIGHT 420 in Oklahoma City.
ley worked out a simple set of rules and the for- Slap president Frank Lamicella, who was tapped
mat. SFC started streaming its first events in 2017, by White to run the league. The proven connec- HAVING A SENSATIONAL NAME IS A BIG PART
and from there it grew. tion between football and CTE doesn’t seem to be of the showmanship in slap fighting, and the com-
The sport began to catch on overseas, includ- hurting the NFL, after all. Both Lamicella and Til- petitors at Power Slap very much delivered on
ing in Eastern Europe. A couple years after Tilley ley say that slap fighting is safer than boxing or this promise: Kainoa, Pretty Boy, the Kryptonian,
launched SFC, he was asked to consult with an MMA. Lamicella, who happens to be a lawyer, rat- Bodacious, the Joker, the Truth, Static, the Water-
unregulated Polish slapping show called Punch- tles off a whole list of medical precautions his boy, Da Hawaiian Hitman, El Perro.
Down. Tilley says he told the organizers that they league takes. Power Slap errs on the side of safety, Seated behind the stage in the media row, I could
needed to incorporate his safety rules to protect he says. “So far we’ve had zero positive CT scans see the whole impressive production coming
the fighters. They didn’t. And shortly after that, and really a very low hospital-transport rate com- together. Lights and music (“Sandstorm,” by
someone did die. In 2021, Artur “Waluś” Walczak, pared to other combat sports.” Plus, he points out, Darude, and the Moby song from one of the Bourne
a Polish bodybuilder, suffered a stroke in Punch- no one is being forced to compete in his sport. movies), fog machines, spotlights, booming voice-
Down 5 and died in the hospital. People freaked “We live in a country where it’s capitalism and overs. The fight took place in the UFC Apex, which

Slap fighting is unsafe, but ALL COMBAT SPORTS are.

This is why we watch them.

out. PunchDown disappeared, and, briefly, so your freedom to do what two people want,” he meant that the raised stage was an octagon. Every-
did every other slap-fighting organization except says. “Look, people want to fight. We provide the one was dressed up. (Even the media was given a
for SFC. platform to do it; we spend the money to make dress code: business casual.) Lots of sharp-looking,
But the visceral appeal of slap fighting was too sure they’re safe and healthy. We make sure it’s moneyed dudes with their girlfriends and entou-
potent not to attract new competition. And soon as safe as possible.” rages who’d paid $600 to $1,200 per seat.
it caught the eye of the unofficial king of combat Compared with MMA or boxing, slap fighting The first fight resulted in a knockout after two
sports himself. In 2022, Dana White, the long- also seems more accessible, since the athletes slaps. The crowd roared but clearly wanted more.
time president and impresario of the Ultimate don’t need to be as perfectly toned or highly The Power Slap undercard bouts consist of only
Fighting Championship (UFC), founded Power trained as MMA fighters. Quite a few are former three rounds (a coin toss determines who goes
Slap in Vegas, based on SFC’s rules and even using football players, wrestlers, or martial artists. But first, then you slap, and then you get slapped, and
some of its fighters. Power Slap held its first bouts many slappers are just dudes who work in a Dol- then repeat), which should tell you how hard
in January 2023, debuting on the TV network TBS. lar General warehouse in your town and have a these guys whack each other. The second match
The initial ratings were disappointing, however, love for slapping and being slapped, or at least for got to round 3 and ended in a knockout. The third
so Power Slap moved exclusively online, where what they learn about themselves after eating a was a fiesta of fouls resulting in disqualification.
it has been booming ever since. powerful smack and delivering one of their own. The fourth match was one I was looking forward
The metrics tell the story of slap fighting’s With the violence comes the physical damage. to. It featured a relatively unknown underdog,
social-media popularity. From April 2023 to early A slap leaves a mark. Consider the face of Austin Anthony “Babyface” Blackburn, challenging the
May 2024, Power Slap’s YouTube subscribers “Turp Daddy Slim” Turpin from Power Slap 7 terrifyingly named Christapher “KO Chris”
jumped from 121,000 to 2.4 million and its Face- after his victory over Wolverine, one of the best- Thomas, one of the most public faces of Power Slap.
book followers more than doubled, from 1.6 mil- known competitors in the sport. The left half of KO Chris looked kinda mean, with neck tattoos,
lion to 3.3 million. The Power Slap YouTube Turpin’s face has ballooned to twice the size of and had the name and record to prove it. But after
channel has racked up more than a billion views in the right half. His cheek is bleeding. His eye is taking one of KO Chris’s slaps, counted as a foul,
roughly two years. And White has leveraged that pressed closed. The damage is obvious, though Babyface knocked him out in round 2 with a righ-
audience to help Power Slap acquire sponsors such it’s temporary. He’s smiling as a bead of sweat teous blow, much to everyone’s surprise.
as Anheuser-Busch, Crypto.com, and Fanatics. rolls down the center of his forehead. A few days later, I talked with Babyface. A for-
 mer wrestler and football player, he really does events involve fewer rounds than SFC’s. When I
have a sweet face and demeanor by comparison asked if Power Slap had taken the SFC rules as a
with some of these guys. He said he had never been model, a spokesperson gave me this answer: “We
hit in the face before Power Slap and that he was wrote the rules from scratch without any refer-
outwardly a kind and helpful person. “I’m not con- ence materials. We of course watched what was
frontational at all,” he said, “but I’ve always been going on in other leagues, adopted certain things
an angrier person and been able to turn that switch we liked, and changed things we didn’t like. We
on.” For slap fighting, it helps to know “that burst also professionalized the rules for government
of aggressive energy is just sitting inside of you.” regulation purposes.”
Just before his bout at Power Slap 7, Babyface Power Slap is still working on its rule enforce-
had been let go from his job at a pizzeria outside ment and consistency, as White told us after the
Detroit, where he lives. To go from that disappoint- show. There were a lot of fouls called in Power
ment to the thrill of knocking out a fellow slap Slap 7, and four of the eleven matches ended in
fighter he idolized, like KO Chris, was almost too disqualification. In spite of that, it was obvious
much for Babyface to process. “To be paid to do why the sport is catching on so quickly. We’re in
it, and be on a show, and do something really, really an age of making our sports shorter and faster
monumental like this, for this dream to happen paced: NHL hockey with its three-on-three over-
and for it to come true, is like mind-boggling for times and shoot-outs; Major League Baseball with
me. Fucking awesome.” He described the slappers its new pitch clocks and abbreviated extra innings;
as a brotherhood and said he had Facebook Mes- even football, with new clock rules to move things
senger groups with a lot of them. “We’re in each along at the end of a game. If you want people to
other’s lives every single day. That’s my brother pay attention to a sport in 2024, it has to be short
up there. I have to fight my brother each time.” and highlight filled, with plenty of time for
Time for the main card, each fight featuring commercial breaks.
five rounds. An entertainingly obnoxious Ayjay The very last fight of Power Slap 7—the afore-
“Static” Hintz beat Azael “El Perro” Rodriguez mentioned showdown between Dibbell, a soft-
by technicality, with Rodriguez getting disquali- spoken, 249-pound twenty-two-year-old who’s
fied for an illegal strike that knocked out Hintz. saving up his prize money to go to law school,
Then, during the break, a commercial informed and Phillips—pushed harder on the question of
us that Power Slap 7 was brought to us by Amino- safety for me. Dibbell’s slap that knocked out Phil-
Heal, “the official brain-protection supplement lips in the fourth round was thrilling and disturb-
of Power Slap.” I tried to get AminoHeal to return ing in equal measure. Watching Phillips in the
my calls or send me a sample of its brain- overhead shot on his back, opening and closing
protection product, which its website claims will his mouth, clearly not all there, while the
Smiley, in yellow, lost by TKO in his “reduce and prevent the effects of mild concus- announcers chuckled about it (“down like a box
bout against Mallet at SlapFIGHT 420.
sions to severe traumatic brain injury,” but of rocks, out like a light”) was not easy. He went
nobody got back to me. down so fast that the beefy dudes whose job it
Since we’re on the break, this is a good time to was to catch a knocked-out fighter couldn’t get

“That’s delve further into the rules, which both leagues

told me are designed to protect the slappers. When
to him in time, and his head hit the canvas. As
Dibbell was named the winner, flexed his victory

MY Tilley created SFC in 2017, he embedded the

league’s initials in its guidelines, which feature only
three kinds of fouls: Stepping, in which the slap-
on the stage, and eventually walked off for his
post-match interview and we all left to try to get
back to the pressroom, Phillips was still on the
BROTHER per’s feet lift off the ground in the windup or the
follow-through to create more force in order to get
ground, being attended to by medical staff. He
wouldn’t be available for the post-fight press con-

UP an unfair advantage; Flinching, in which the

slappee moves before impact to anticipate the blow
ference. White said afterward that the knockout
was in his “top two.”

THERE. and doesn’t allow their opponent to get a fair slap

in; and Clubbing, which is any slap that initially
connects with the neck or eye or ear, really any-
AFTER VEGAS, THE VENUE IN OKLAHOMA
City was underwhelming, as anything after Vegas
I have to where other than the cheek and the chin, or doesn’t should be. On the drive over, I passed three bill-
make full contact with the palm of the hand. boards advertising Oklahoma’s Largest Knife Show
fight my Power Slap’s rules are elaborations on SFC’s, the following weekend before I rolled up to the site
laid out in considerably more detail. Tilley of the former Crossroads Mall, once “the premier
brother each grouses that Power Slap’s adaptations, like a shopping experience in Oklahoma,” according to
smaller barrier separating the combatants, make KOKH Fox 25. It is now largely empty. Two local
time.” the slapping less safe, even though Power Slap charter schools occupy the space that was origi-

THE FACES OF SLAPFIGHT 420—left to right, top to bottom: Smiley was competing in just his second slap-fighting event; Okuma 915 with his dog; Dangerous Danny Steele, a
former pro wrestler, injured his biceps with a record slap; former UFC fighter Mark “the Hammer” Coleman, who does commentary on the live streams; Mallet relaxing pre-fight;
police officers outside the venue; one of the women from Little Darlings; FPS and his girlfriend; Biscuit, the “slap-happy hippie.”

10 0 S U M M E R 2 024
nally a Montgomery Ward. The north side, where that violence or a solution to it? I didn’t know, but I couldn’t entirely figure out; and a new one he
I arrived, also advertised an antique show SATUR- Afroman was telling me to roll, roll, roll my joint. was developing where two guys get roped together
DAY ONLY. Confused, I circled around the south It was a jukebox song, I realized, maybe folks pre- as in the “Beat It” video and have to fight.
side of the complex until I saw the signs for Chronic gaming for Chronic Palooza or looking for some Tilley has complicated feelings about his Power
Palooza VI, a two-day festival celebrating the legal- respite from history. There was little of that to be Slap rivals. When Power Slap was starting, Tilley
ization of medical marijuana in Oklahoma. had. Choking on the smoke—not a good sign for says that White & Co. called him and asked him to
Yes, the following day would be April 20, the my ability to report on a pot festival, I noted—I partner with them. He considered it but was unwill-
high holy day for cannabis connoisseurs. And Til- finished my canned beer quickly and drove back ing to give up his league or have it subsumed by
ley’s league was holding SlapFIGHT 420, “the to the venue. White’s glitzier operation. He acknowledges that
dankest event in SLAP history,” as part of this pro- Inside, no one seemed concerned by my pres- the growth of Power Slap is probably good for SFC,
motion of all things weed. SFC mostly puts on ence. So I went upstairs in search of slappers, which too, but he wants everyone to understand that he
underground shows for streaming audiences with meant walking up the nonoperational former Dil- is the true slap-fighting pioneer. “I don’t want to
tiny crowds in undisclosed locations. Tomorrow’s lard’s escalator to the second floor, empty except talk shit on anybody. But I’m also not going to pre-
event would have a larger live crowd, but true to for a bunch of dudes waiting for SFC’s 6:00 P.M. tend like I didn’t write this sport on a piece of note-
SFC’s underground brand, it would be in an aban- weigh-in. Already the flavor of this weekend could book paper on my coffee table.”
doned Dillard’s. not have been more different from Power Slap’s: Today at Dillard’s, there was drama of a differ-
No one from SFC had yet arrived. Bass echoed relaxed and very casual. There was no mention of ent nature: Tilley pulled me aside and told me
through the cavernous space as dealers like a dress code. that an official from the Oklahoma State Athletic
Stristed Art (which made elaborate dragon sculp- Here I met Tilley, the SFC founder and CEO. A Commission had come in earlier that day and for-
tures out of bone), Paradise Vape, Permanent former wrestler, Motown singer, comedian, and bidden him from putting on the event. He said
Jewelry (“ask us about our tooth gems”), Hawaii- Hall of Fame MMA promoter, he is a big, burly, lik- he was planning to do it anyway, but there was a
CannabisExpo.com, and Little Darlings (a strip able guy who recently turned fifty. He has a pro- good chance he could get arrested. And if he did,
club just up the road) straggled in to set up their moter’s jovial personality, a genuine smile, and an he wanted to at least make sure we were there to
booths. I was so early, in fact, with so much time infectious enthusiasm for slap fighting and espe- get some photos. That’s how much he was com-
to kill that I felt obliged to go get a beer from the cially for the people who slap and get slapped. He mitted, he said, walking away to huddle up with
closest joint I could find, which was Little Dick’s is the face of SFC and, with retired MMA star Mark a couple of the other production guys.
Halfway Inn, an extremely divey dive bar. It was “the Hammer” Coleman, does the play-by-play on After a few minutes, he came back and told me
busy at 4:30 on a Friday, and at this point I real- all the SFC live streams. From our first communi- he’d changed his mind and that he didn’t want to
ized that you could still smoke (tobacco) in Okla- cation, he was super welcoming and described endanger Chronic Palooza. The new plan was not
homa bars, which felt like going back in time what they do as a family operation. That would to put on the show downstairs in front of the live
twenty years—just in time to shop at the old Cross- come to be echoed by nearly every person involved audience tomorrow at 6:00 P.M. as intended but
roads Dillard’s. with SFC. Tilley is a self-described inventor of “bull- to do it secretly—no crowd, no announcements—
The news was on: That’s how I realized that shit sports,” as he told me with a laugh, like car- and record it, then stream it later that night from
today, April 19, was the anniversary of the Okla- jitsu, “jujitsu but inside of a car,” a new sport for “an undisclosed location,” since at that point they
homa City bombing. Twenty-nine years ago, Tim- which he signed a deal with ESPN; ultimate tire couldn’t stop the fight. He told me absolutely not
othy McVeigh killed at least 168 people in wrestling, “a big stack of tractor tires, and your to tell anyone; he would break the news to the
downtown OKC. It was a somber reminder: Where objective is to stuff the other guy inside the hole,” slappers individually after the weigh-in. It was
there are humans, there is violence. Was watch- also ESPN bound; beast ball, “one-on-one football probably a coincidence, I told myself, that I’d
ing or engaging in slap fighting an outgrowth of in a shipping-container unit”; sumo boxing, which mentioned to Power Slap’s Frank Lamicella the

From left: Slap-

Kage tends to
his bloody nose;
the Cannon and
his brother, Runt,
pose in their title
belts after Slap-
FIGHT 420; JT
Tilley, SlapFIGHT
Championship
founder and
CEO, says he
was inspired
to “invent” the
sport of slap
fighting after he
saw a viral video
in 2015.

102 S U M M E R 2024
 day before that I was going down the mandible, and if you hit the
to Oklahoma City for an SFC event. right spot and slide the mandible
On the docket were five bouts, back in, it connects with that nerve
assuming the event happened at all. and slides out and your opponent
The headline matchups were for goes down. I noticed this, too,
titles. For the welterweight champi- watching both Power Slap 7 and
onship: Okuma 915, a tall, quiet guy SlapFIGHT 420: Being big didn’t
from El Paso with a serious face, vs. necessarily help. In fact, almost
the current champ, the Cannon. The all the tall fighters I saw facing
Cannon’s brother, Runt, would be more compact opponents lost.
slapping for the middleweight belt Many of the fighters had clearly
against challenger Shamokin Thun- been practicing a slap technique
der Clap. The Cannon and Runt were that started low and went up into
both shorter than me but seriously the face and chin, and it appeared
jacked. They didn’t say much. to be very effective.
The competitors who were not The second reason they brought
The face of Austin “Turp Daddy Slim” Turpin before and after his victory
contending for a title were the big over Wolverine at Power Slap 7 in Las Vegas. the PowerKube in, Tilley would tell
dudes, superheavyweights: an abso- me later, was that he wanted to
lutely massive guy at six-foot-six and quantify just how relatively safe
342 pounds named Cowboy, who religiously wore, Smiley told me the event was his second slap slapping was in contrast to punching or kicking.
yes, a cowboy hat, against Dangerous Danny Steele, fight ever. He got into the sport because of Biscuit. That would be borne out by the numbers, in
a former pro wrestler with the biggest arms I have He and Biscuit work together in a Dollar General which the hardest slap of the night—unsurpris-
ever seen. Steele had driven down with his crew warehouse in Fulton, Missouri. Smiley trains at ingly by Dangerous Danny Steele—and thus the
from London, Ontario, to take part in this event. the gym some nights and with Biscuit every Mon- world record, was 75,906 Franklins. I had to read
The middleweight division would feature Slap- day to work on slap-fighting technique. In his free a Reddit thread to understand just what this pro-
Kage, a talkative, anime-loving dude, vs. Biscuit, time he hangs out with his girlfriend and plays prietary measure actually measures, which is
also known as the “slap-happy hippie,” an Magic the Gathering, because he doesn’t drink. some combination of power, speed, and energy.
extremely chill guy with a beanie he never took off Slap fighting, he said, has changed him for the bet- Whatever the exact formula is, Steele’s record
and false teeth that he took out for each fight. In ter and given him a good way to release bad slap was less than half as powerful as the hardest
the catchweight division: Smiley, a kid with curly energy. “It’s like a form of therapy.” punch (191,796 Franklins) or the hardest kick
blond hair who could have been one of my under- There were reasons to root for all of the fight- (235,875 Franklins) they had recorded. That gave
graduate writing students, would be taking on Mal- ers, and the more I got to know them, the more at least some credence to the arguments about
let, who had his name tattooed above his right I liked them. I was starting to see the appeal of relative safety that both SFC and Power Slap were
eyebrow and told me he was the lightest slap fighter slapping and being slapped—how when you real- making. Plus, as Babyface told me later, any kind
on the planet but had been trying to put on some ized you could take it, as one of them told me, it of slap that generated world-record-level force,
weight so that Tilley could find him someone to gave you a sense that you could take more than as Steele’s did, would be a foul, so the record-
fight. In lightweight: FPS, a tall, gangly dude with you thought you could, and then you got to give setting slaps aren’t anything like what you’d get
a goofy affect who liked playing, you guessed it, it right back out. In SFC, most of these guys were in a match.
first-person-shooter games, would slap against friends—family, as Tilley would have said—and Charles asked me if I wanted to try, but I
Wildman, a bearded, intense guy who looked a the love between them was obvious. demurred, figuring my arm would fall off and I’d
solid foot shorter than him. Tony Charles and the team from TNT Premier die of blood loss and shame. As I was nursing my
These guys were characters, to say the least. Sev- Sports were setting up a device called the Power- insecurity, I overheard Cowboy saying that Steele
eral had backgrounds in other combat sports or Kube that was, he said, designed to measure the had ripped his biceps while hitting the Kube and
martial arts; some had military backgrounds. Some force of a blow. They’ve been measuring MMA would not be able to compete tomorrow. Tilley
had just seen slap fighting and thought they might fighters and boxers and martial artists for years, was trying to find another opponent to fill in so
be good at it. Mallet told me he’d just lost his dad he explained, and one of the reasons they chose that Cowboy would have someone to fight, but
a year ago and had a lot of anger he was working to come down here was that he has a lot of respect there are only so many giant guys who are willing
through, and he was really glad he found slap fight- for SFC and wanted to give its slappers the first to stand on a stage and take a slap on short notice,
ing because otherwise, he said, he would proba- shot at setting the Guinness World Record for the even in Oklahoma.
bly be in jail. Having experienced a significant strongest slap. He Velcroed the target, a cube six-
personal tragedy would be part of many guys’ teen inches on each side with a bull’s-eye on the THE FOLLOWING MORNING, TILLEY TEXTED
answers to one of the obvious questions: Why did front of it, to an iron beam so that each guy could to tell me they’d decided to call the Athletic Com-
you sign up to get smacked this hard in the face? take a shot at it. Naturally everyone was eager to mission’s bluff and run the event as planned
Shamokin Thunder Clap, the best dressed of the see what kind of number they could post. A Guin- onstage with a live audience. When I arrived,
bunch in a bow tie and a leather cap, had lost an ness World Record would be set tonight, and the Chronic Palooza was now in full force. The haze
infant son to Covid, then lost a long-term relation- videos of each of the guys slapping the Kube would of pot smoke would get thicker and thicker
S C H I A F F O L LC ( T U R P I N )

ship, and on top of that he had just got through be rolled into their introduction reel tomorrow. I throughout the day until by evening it resembled
prostate cancer, so the brutality of slapping and watched for a while as they took their best shots. a stew. Rappers worked the stage. An extremely
getting slapped didn’t seem so bad to him. In fact, Slapping force, Tilley told me, isn’t really what stoned and very wizardly dude from Dragon
he liked the pain, he told me. He’d spent a lot of makes you a great slap fighter. What you want Group Entertainment’s Build-a-Bong Workshop
time street fighting before he found his way here. is to hit the right spot, not necessarily to smash beckoned folks with his wizard staff, which was
He would be aiming for a belt tomorrow. the face with your power. There’s a nerve behind also, obviously, a bong. The number of kids in
SMACKED UPSIDE THE HEAD happened on a whole pile of figures in the dark, CREDITS
some standing, some sitting. When I clicked on my STORE INFORMATION
phone’s light, I was shocked to see a white-faced For the items featured in Esquire, please consult the website or
attendance was vaguely disturbing, but the orga- clown with a cleaver. Pan right to an evil jester. A call the phone number provided.
nizers had clearly planned for it, with opportuni- freaky woman with long blond hair. And maybe
Blueprint, p. 33: Orlebar Brown swim trunks, orlebarbrown.com.
ties to pet two small cows for two dollars and a worst of all, an unidentifiable figure with a bunch Thom Browne sneakers, thombrowne.com. Akoni sunglasses,
dicey-looking inflatable ball pit. of what looked like hangers for a face. I wondered akoni.com. Hamilton watch, hamiltonwatch.com. Lagos bracelet,
I didn’t want to build a bong, but I did want the how much of that smoke I had inhaled before I real- lagos.com. P. 34: Breitling watch, breitling.com. P. 36: David Yur-
man High Jewelry bracelets, ring, and amulet, davidyurman.com.
Donut Burger from Miss Tammy’s Lunch Wagon: ized it was a huge pile of Halloween decorations
David Yurman necklace, davidyurman.com. Loro Piana cardigan and
a fresh burger served with a glazed doughnut for stuck up here between seasons. HE’S HERE was trousers, loropiana.com. P. 38: Sperry by Chris Echevarria shoe,
a bun. Miss Tammy had just started up this busi- spray-painted on the wall. I went back downstairs blackstockandweber.com. American Trench sock, americantrench
ness six months ago, she told me as she cooked. as quickly as I could. .com. Jacquemus shoe, jacquemus.com. Sebago shoe, sebago-usa
.com. Coach overalls, coach.com. Polo Ralph Lauren shoe, ralphlauren
All four ladies working the truck were lunch ladies I was excited for the show, but I wasn’t excited
.com. Levi’s x ERL jeans, levi.com. Pantherella sock, pantherella
at local schools, which I found extremely charm- for the show. Now that I’d met these guys—mostly .com. Dior Men shoe, dior.com. Schostal Originals sock,
ing. I have to say the Donut Burger kicked ass. It sweet and chill, here for their own reasons—I hon- schostaloriginals.com. Camper shoe, camper.com. Anonymous Ism
was tasty and messy in a novel way. Both dough- estly didn’t want to see them hit each other in the sock, anonymousism.com. P. 40: Canali jacket, sweater, shirt, knit
shirt, and trousers, canali.com. Marsèll shoes, marsell.com. Eli-
nut and burger were fresh and delicious, and face, even if they did. But I wasn’t here for the
burch Jewelry earring and rings, eliburchjewelry.com. Prounis ring,
together they felt absolutely over-the-top. The yel- burger or the clowns. And besides—the evil clown prounisjewelry.com. Pomellato necklace, pomellato.com.
low mustard really worked with the glaze, which might have told me, if it didn’t kill me—the show Heirs to the Throne, p. 72: Brunello Cucinelli suit and sun-
is a sentence I never thought I would write. It was must go on, unless it got shut down by the Ath- glasses, brunellocucinelli.com. Tiffany & Co. pendant, tiffany.com. P.
73: Gucci suits and shirts, gucci.com. Omega watch, omegawatches
a lot, but I was here to watch men slapping each letic Commission.
.com. P. 74: Celine Homme by Hedi Slimane jacket, trousers, shirt,
other in the face, so I felt like I needed to eat it for It didn’t. A few minutes after 6:00, a big crowd and sunglasses, celine.com. David Yurman bracelet and ring,
science. For health, I skipped the fries. of mostly but not entirely stoned folks gathered davidyurman.com. P. 75: Dior Men suit, shirt, and sunglasses,
around the main stage, and the show went live. dior.com. Christian Louboutin loafers, christianlouboutin.com. Falke
socks, falke.com. Vacheron Constantin watch, vacheron-constantin
BOTH SFC AND POWER SLAP TOLD ME THEY This was also a production, if not quite at the
.com. P. 76: Hermès jacket and trousers, hermes.com. Brioni jacket
thought their event was safer than the other’s. level of the Power Slap experience. A small crowd and trousers, brioni.com. De Beers rings, debeers.com. P. 77:
Power Slap touted its relatively few rounds (three rounded out the stage, standing behind the slap- Brunello Cucinelli suit, brunellocucinelli.com. Brunello Cucinelli
and five rounds for prelims and main events, com- pers. The crowd chanted one, two, three for every sunglasses, neimanmarcus.com. Tiffany & Co. necklace, tiffany
.com. P. 78: Ralph Lauren Purple Label coat and suit, ralphlauren
pared with seven and ten rounds for SFC) and its slap, which felt inclusive. Wildman beat FPS on
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top-notch commitment to medical protection and judges’ decision. Mallet TKO’d Smiley. Biscuit out- and trousers, loropiana.com. Guidi boots, guidi.it. Bulgari ring,
care. Meanwhile, SFC cited the close nature of the lasted SlapKage for the win. Runt TKO’d Shamokin bulgari.com. P. 80: Giorgio Armani jacket, armani.com. ATM T-shirt,
relationships among its slappers and argued that, Thunder Clap in the third round to retain his belt. atmcollection.com. John Hardy necklace, johnhardy.com. P. 81: Her-
mès jacket, trousers, and tank, hermes.com. Vans sneakers, vans
unlike the Power Slap guys, SFC’s slappers don’t Unfortunately they couldn’t find a big enough
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lead with the base of the hand, which makes a slap opponent on short notice for Cowboy. And the shirt, brioni.com. Christian Louboutin boots, christianlouboutin.com.
much more like a punch. Tilley and his team main event, Okuma 915 vs. the Cannon for the wel- Aloha, p. 90: Louis Vuitton Men’s shirt, necklace, and earring,
claimed their slappers were more scrupulous terweight championship, lived up to its billing, louisvuitton.com. Schostal Originals boxers, schostaloriginals.com.
P. 91: Louis Vuitton Men’s tank, shorts, and hat, louisvuitton.com. P.
about the rules. And they, too, had a medical pro- going an incredible ten face-slapping rounds. Both
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fessional backstage who checked out everyone these dudes ate every slap and gave each back, necklace, socks, and earring, louisvuitton.com. Louis Vuitton Fine
after the fights. To my eyes, both events featured their faces reddening and swelling, and at the end, Jewelry rings, louisvuitton.com. Louis Vuitton watch, louisvuitton
dudes getting crushed in the face. the judges’ decision went to the Cannon, who .com. P. 93: Louis Vuitton Men’s jacket, tank, trousers, loafers,
belt, necklace, and earring, louisvuitton.com.
In Oklahoma City, though, I did get to witness retained the belt.
the camaraderie among the SFC competitors that And with that, the event was over.
Tilley was touting. Whether it was Biscuit telling My adrenaline was running high, and I was just (ISSN 0194-9535) is published six times per year, in
February, April, June, August, October, and December, by Hearst, 300 West 57th
his opponent, “You got this” while preparing to watching. I couldn’t imagine how the slappers St., NY, NY 10019 USA. Steven R. Swartz, President and Chief Executive Officer;
eat said opponent’s thunderous slap, or whether felt afterward. SlapKage told me that there’s just William R. Hearst III, Chairman; Frank A. Bennack, Jr., Executive Vice Chairman.
Hearst Magazine Media, Inc.: Debi Chirichella, President; Regina Buckley, Chief
it was Mallet and Smiley hanging out in their hotel a feeling, that fight-or-flight instinct kicking in Financial and Strategy Officer & Treasurer; Catherine A. Bostron, Secretary. © 2024
room before their fight, again in the greenroom, after you take a massive slap in the face, and when by Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Esquire, Man at His Best,
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title match, I came to really believe in the friend- it—and compose yourself to give it back to your N. Y., and additional entry post offices. Canada Post International Publications
mail product (Canadian distribution) sales agreement no. 40012499. Editorial
ships between them. opponent, that feeling is hard to give up. Mallet and Advertising Offices: 300 West 57th St., NY, NY 10019-3797. Send returns
As we approached showtime, it looked like this talked about what it’s like when you go back to (Canada) to Bleuchip International, P. O. Box 25542, London, Ontario N6C 6B2.
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THE ESQUIRE EDITORIAL BOA RD ENDORSES

“SO, WHAT ARE WE THINKING?” THE WAITER ASKS. YOU on the town. It’s food you didn’t even know came fried, drunk-
look across the table to your date and run through the possibili- enly ordered with the rising sun. Second dinner is the Kraft Mac
ties. It’s time to choose what you’re eating tonight—a little game & Cheese you crave in solitude after you’ve exhausted your social
we play every 24 hours. Leaving this situation with all parties battery. Sometimes it’s the leftovers from the dinner you ate a
satisfied is one of the greatest skills a person can acquire. It’s a couple hours ago. Feeling fancy? Second dinner is branzino to-
difficult dance, even when it’s just normal dinner. But you are not night. On occasion, we’ve even ordered takeout for two people
here for normal dinner. You are hiding a secret that no one else in knowing that we’re going to eat the second meal later. Don’t judge
the restaurant knows. . . . This is second dinner. us! It’s called meal prep. Second dinner is what happens when
It wasn’t the first dinner’s fault you’ve found yourself here. “I’ll just have a little bite” turns into an empty fridge.
Maybe dinner number one was elegant French cuisine but you How gluttonous, you may be thinking, how utterly American.
forgot you have an American stomach. Maybe you were a party But no! Second dinner is an internationally beloved pastime. Spain
of four and all the shared dishes came in pieces of three. Restau- practically invented the thing. Ever had tapas? It’s not just the
rants are weird like that. Hell, maybe you just didn’t want to small, shareable sizes that make tapas all about eating until day-
break the bank at an expensive joint with light fare. All you know break. The country’s dining culture is designed for barhopping,
for sure this evening is that you’re still hungry and it’s time for grabbing a little bite from each new spot, and moving on to the
second dinner. next. And why stop at second dinner? When in Madrid, why not
Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos were certainly in- have three, four, or even five tiny meals within the same night?
vented with the need for second dinner in mind. So was wrapping We can tell you’re going, “Hold on a second. You can’t have it all!
finger food in bacon, and the entire enterprise of opening a bar There are rules! You simply cannot surf ’n’ turf and then turf ’n’
that keeps the stove burning late. When you turn to your date and surf. We are men, not beasts.” Friend, liberate yourself. We once
suggest a second dinner, the world is your oyster. Mmm . . . oysters. watched in horror as a guy on YouTube prepared a midnight meal
The beauty of second dinner is that it can take as many forms he called “chili eggs.” This maniac of a chef put a mound of chili
as there are people on planet earth. The only requirement of sec- and guacamole on top of eight scrambled eggs. Eight! You don’t
ond dinner is that it happen in a location distinct from the first. cook something like chili eggs while thinking about the rules. You
You don’t get to order another plate of pasta for the table and call are Prometheus, stealing fire, bending reality to your will. The
it second dinner. That’s just more dinner. Nothing wrong with it, other term for this is “being a grown-up.” There are no meal po-
but second dinner it is not, and second dinner is even better. We lice. There is no dinner jail. You can eat dinner again. With second
endorse it. dinner, the world is not just your oyster. The world is several oys-
Second dinner is a pizza topped with the works after a night ters at several different restaurants.

E L I S C H M I DT. P R O P S T Y L I N G : S H A N E K L E I N .
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