The Coking Show

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/64482265.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Major Character Death
Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi
Fandoms: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Eurovision Song Contest RPF,
The Maze Runner (Movies), Arcane: League of Legends (Cartoon 2021),
Mila Torpedo (Youtube), EPIC - Jorge Rivera-Herrans (Albums)
Relationships: Bojan Cvjetićanin/Jere Pöyhönen | Käärijä, Ekko/Jinx (League of
Legends), alexander rybak/mirabel madrigal, Newt/Thomas (Maze
Runner), Jayce/Viktor (League of Legends)
Characters: Loreen (Swedish Musician), Damiano David, Alexander Rybak, Ethan
Torchio, Mirabel Madrigal, Simon Cowell, Silvestras Beltė | Silvester
Belt, Thomas Raggi, Victoria De Angelis, Marko Purišić | Baby Lasagna,
Luka Ivanović | Luke Black, Viktor (League of Legends), Jayce (League
of Legends), Jinx (League of Legends), Ekko (League of Legends), Isha
(Arcane: League of Legends), Cranks (Maze Runner) - Character,
Slimane Nebchi, Thomas Mustin | Mustii, Zoran Prodanović, Bambie
Ray Robinson | Bambie Thug, Joost Klein, Marcus Gunnarsen, Martinus
Gunnarsen, Narrator, stipe the cat, Original Characters
Additional Tags: Hunger games x eurovision AU, Alternate Universe - Eurovision Song
Contest, The Glade (Maze Runner), Crack, Humor, Angst and Tragedy,
Dentistry, Cooking show gone wrong, Friends to Lovers, Russian Mafia,
Good versus Evil, Reality TV, 100th Hunger Games, Français | French,
Friendzone, Song Lyrics, Unreliable Narrator, Orphanage, brainrot,
Mechanical Body Parts, Boy Savior Ekko (League of Legends),
Crocodile Jerky, Quarter Quell (Hunger Games), Rybak needs a hug,
Eurokaka, Danish clogs, Action/Adventure, Uneasy Allies, Czech Viktor
(League of Legends), Ekko Loves Jinx (League of Legends), Jinx and
Ekko raise Isha (Arcane), it's crazy it's party, Battle, War, Adoption,
Magic
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2025-04-09 Updated: 2025-04-21 Words: 7,637 Chapters:
5/10
 The Coking Show
by mila_torp13, SiliconFunk

Summary

All Ada ever wanted was to impress her russianista crush David. She hadn't really planned on
leading a band of wackos against bitxhy extraterrestrial forces, teaming up with god(s), or
having to witness unfortunate vocal capabilities.

After joining the renowned Coking Show, her world is turned upside down, crispy, and then
spat on (by a dentist!).

Notes

This has mostly OG characters, but there are a lot of characters and details from the included
fandoms (especially eurovision, hunger games, and arcane). Some might not appear right
away, but don't cry... the story is finished so they will come when their time has come.

Enjoy, and read slowly so you don't burn your tongue! :)

See the end of the work for more notes

 Act 1: A Journey Set Ablaze (aka this food be bussin’)

Ada stood in front of a large 20 frickin’ kg door. Her whole life has led up to this moment...
She was going on "Heck's Kitchen", the most renowned show in the whole country. Ever
since she was a child, people have looked down on her (not only because she's a shorty),
saying that she'd never become a cok. Well now she's here to prove them wrong...?

She flexed her whole body, tightening every muscle, tissue, and bone. Her arms shot out in
front of her, landing on the door with a thud. The door opened, revealing many smells, sights,
asses, and tastes. She was just one of six contestants, competing for 1000 yen.

The contestants included: Fat-Joe, a farmer from Nunavut who has a wide variety of
professional activities in the suburbs of Iqaluit. He was Fat, with a translucent ginger goatee
and hair the shape of my grandmother's lopsided buttocks.

Igor Ivanov, who just got out of an assassination attempt and is a multi-trillionaire. He was
short, wore Louis Vuitton sunglasses, and a belt of vodka around his waist.

Mila from Mississauga, who was watching Newtmas edits on the horrid app tiktok and
giggling strangely.

Next to her stood some non-magical girl from Columbia whose glasses were sliding off her
smooth nose skin.

And the last contestant... WHAT??? Her former classmate/crush, David Conrad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had dreamy eyes the colour of vodka, swirling locks of golden hair. He looked like Edvin
Ryding, except David was 100× more handsomer. She didn't know he can cok. He once
burned a sock in chemistry class, but that was about the closest he got to making a meal.

ADA TWIST, SCIENTIST, GONNA FIND OUT WHAT THE ANSWER IS PCHT PCHT
PCHT. I think that's the show's theme. It was time for them to be split into ass groups. Ada
was put into ROSE CAKE CRUSADERS, and her partner was.... a certain Russian hottie.
The Columbian girl and Igor were in another group, TEAM DAISY CUPCAKE. While Mila
and Joe were in the last group, THE BROWNIE DUO.

Suddenly, trumpets sounded, and a strange man came out of a curtained doorway. He was
missing both of his legs, and wore two eyepatches. His hair was rainbow coloured and his
beard was braided. He was the mfing host, Mr Saggykneepits.

"Ayy maties, I just wanted to say that it's not about the money, but about the hardships,
lessons learned, and bonds created along the way.."

The timer started, and everyone got to work. The contestants were making spaghetti with
ultramade sauce. "So, um D-David... you can make the pasta, and I'll handle the sauce. It's
hard to make pasta," Ada shared. Ultramade sauce is made with orange juice, sprinkles and
cheese. Then you mix it up with milk and dough. Ada knew she had plenty of time to make a
delicious tasting sauce with extra time to spare. Everyone had 69 minutes to finish, and they
got coking.

She gathered all the materials and got to work. She was about halfway through the process
and the sauce was a nice saucy bright green. It was time to insert it into the hydraulic pump.
She turned around to ask David to give her a hand when she saw that the pasta pot was on
fire! She quickly poured some liquid hydrogen to cool it down. It didn't work. Soon enough
the fire was burning everyone. Mr Saggykneepits tried to put it out with his beard, but
unfortunately the amount of oxygen trapped between his hairs only made the fire worsen.

"Never fret contestants, the power of friendship will get us through this. If we work together
we will prevail."

The Columbian girl shouted "let's look for a way out guys!!" As she proceeded to run away,
they split up to look for an exit. The 20 frickin’ kg door was locked from the outside and the
windows were blocked by giant scary seagulls attracted to the burning scent of the food.
Every single exit was blocked. Even the tiniest holes, blocked by the bodies of mouses.

They all grouped back to the least fire-y part of the room. Fat-Joe said, "in all my years of
hunting mooses in Nunavut, and my fortune telling experiences, I have never seen a future so
shadowy..." Ada felt uneased by this statement. How can she save the day and impress her
Russianisto boyfriend David?
"Maybe the vodka will put out the fire." He spoke out angelically.

David proceeded to take a huge jar of vodka and threw it to the fire which immediately
expanded and almost consumed him, had Igor Ivanov not pulled him back. Unfortunately he
did not pull back Mila, who was immediately sucked up by the flames.

"OH my frickin’ God." She said, "How am I always the first one to di–" WOOSH. From the
corner of Ada's eyes, she saw Saggykneepits adjusting the camera to catch Mila's death at the
best possible angle. They started discussing a plan of action.

No one had cell phones to call for help because they were confiscated before the show even
started, so no one cheats or something. As the judge, Saggykneepits should have had a phone,
but he was anti-technology and only owned a paper cup phone his then two-year-old daughter
made him, which he kept in his super high technology Samsung fridge next to the judges
table, and was not very helpful to the situation at all.

Since no one did anything except panic for the next few minutes, Ada decided it was time to
act before they all died from inhaling too much smoke. She stood up on the only non-fired
table left and started banging on a pot to get everyone's attention. "Guys, the first thing we
need to do is find an exit. Since there is no exit available, we gotta make an exit. WEAPONS
READY!!!"

The Columbian girl was the first to move. She ran to the only non-scorched supply room and
quickly came out with a giant pile of cheeses and cheese graters. She started building a wall
to supposedly protect them from the flames. Saggykneepits was not very fond of his fondue
melting, and he screamed "CEASE TO SCORCH MY CHEESES YOU BASTARD!!!!" He
kicked it over and started collecting them in his beard. David laughed and picked up the
vodka since he saw they were all protecting their loved ones.

Ada summoned all her cranial energy and thought up an idea. "Why don't we use the graters
to grate a hole into the thin studio walls. We can save ourselves by making an exit!" Igor with
bulging face, arm, and leg muscles looked about the strongest of them all, so Ada gave him
the glory of grating them out of there. He whimpered and looked off to the side very
dramatically. Then he crawled into a corner of the kitchen and started bawling.
No one knew what to do with this turn of events so they all just stood there awkwardly.
Colombian girl went up to the crying joke of a man and sat next to him. "I know how you
feel. We have shared energies, you and I. Tell me, brother, what is this dark patch resonating
in your soul?" she said.

"Every time I come near a sharp object, my ultra-alpha giga-chadness crumbles." He said, his
eyes pure oceans of triste . "It's been happening ever since the cactus incident.... I got a death
threat in my mail, with horrifying words I will never forget." His eyes go unfocused as he
recites the words demonically.

"Dear kakaska, You better watch your zhopa. I am coming for you! I will kill you with my
cactus and steal all your money. Be ready suka." His eyes turned black and his head rolled
back.

"The inner demons must have taken him over. HE'S NOT BREATHING!!" The Columbian
girl screamed.

Only one sentence came out of his hole before he was gone. "Who's the kakaska now...."
That's what he wanted to say to his serial killer, but his last words on a coking show will do
just fine.

"AMEN.'' Fat-Joe said.

"I'd light a candle except we're literally standing in a burning building." Ada said, finally.
Saggykneepits symbolically covered Igor with a slice of cheese, only after filming a few
dramatic shots for the TV show. As a flame snuck up and slapped Saggykneepits in the back,
he shouted "Let's get on with the plan!!"

With five of us left alive, the strongest was now Saggykneepits. Everyone looked at him but
he seemed preoccupied with holding the camera equipment and sound system with his
robotic arm. At that moment, David noticed a pressurised water hose. It contained 1 Litre of
water. "Good eye David! We can use that to put out the fire!" She spoke too late, as in that
moment, David used the hose to shoot a hole in the wall. The hole was thin, but not large
enough for their horizontally challenged masses.
Saggykneepits transformed his robotic arm into a chainsaw. He tossed the camera through the
hole and began chainsawing and expanding it. Turns out, the wall did not lead to the outdoors
as everyone expected, but instead to the Canada's Got Talent filming studio.
 Act 2: Flying Tooths and Falling Roofs

It appears that all the people were evacuated, probably from the fire next door, which sparked
a flame of jealousy from Ada. How come no one came to rescue her and her fellow
contestants? Why were they left to fend for themselves, two of them already dead, with the
18-year-old youngest person in charge of saving the day?

A loud shriek interrupted Ada's train of thought, as everyone looked around to find where the
sound came from. A blob of disgustingness emerged from behind the curtains. Out came a
short man (If you can even call it that) who had the nicest white teeth Ada had ever seen.
Everything else on him was decomposing. Surely he was a dentist.

He wore a stethoscope, probably to hear his patients' tooths' heartbeats. He had a coal miner's
headlight, to examine every detail in a person's mouth, and was only in his underwear. They
were pink with flying little teeth.

The man looked terrifying, but also looked as though he was starting a performance, which
sparked an idea in ada's noggin and apparently david's as well.

"Yo homies, this brutha looks like he won't attack us if we pay respects to his performance.
Let's all just chill and go to the judging chairs." David said casually.

"David, you must have read my mind. We really are meant to be." Ada sighed.

"Yes Ada, you will always be my sista from another mista..." Ada didn't know how to
respond to that so she fluttered her eyelashes as the five of them made their way to the judges
panel.

The show had begun. A spotlight appeared out of nowhere. The ugly man introduced himself
as Jef. He then started rapping epically:

"Every day, all day, I'm surrounded by teeth. They're covered by candy, trash, juices and beef.
I like chipping, I like scraping, I like pulling things out. Now listen closely as I tell you what
it's about."

The man started beatboxing as he did the wave and the worm at the same time. This went on
for 30 more seconds before he continued again.

"The worst type of teeth are the best kind to tackle. My Name is Jef, I am brother of Crackle.
My services aren't the type to cause skedaddles. I'll leave your teeth as white as my dairy
cattles. BETTER KEEP THOSE DAMN APPLES AWAY OR ELSE TO GOD YOU WILL
HAVE TO PRAY. I AM JEF. LIGHTS OUT."

He dropped his mic and hit a sexy jojo pose. The group didn't know whether to clap or
scream so instead they did both. David gave Jef a golden buzzer and said "PEACE Y'ALL."
Jef was bowing, looking very pleased with himself, until he squinted a little and shouted
viciously, "YOU'RE NOT SIMON COWELL!!!!!!"

He came for them.

Heroically, Fat-Joe stepped ahead and said "My disgusting blob man, I know how you feel.
Back in my day, I was the most famous rapper in all of the suburbs of Iqaluit. I get 20 streams
every year. Simon Cowell is actually outside right now. Help us and you can perform for him
for real!"

Ada was surprised that Fat-Joe had such Wisdom. He sounded like a real Genius.

"All right, but only on one condition.... you must use your connections to help me meet the
Kardashians. They have nice teeth!" said Jef. Fat-Joe agreed to his conditions and sprinted
towards the Samsung fridge to call them immediately on Saggykneepits' cup phone. Ada
quickly went to the other end of the cup phone and put on the best Beverly hills accent she
could muster.

"Hellooo, is this my nail tech?"

"No. Jef."

"Well Jef, I suggest you help the people around you and spread kindness wherever you go."

Jef suppressed a sob. His pearly whites started dripping in a tear-like formation.

"Yes, yes, I'll treat the teeth people with such kindness. I love teeth."

With that, the cup-phone call came to an end. Jef was about to say something to the group,
but was abruptly interrupted by jiggles of the walls surrounding them. Everyone fell to the
floor. It seemed the fire had spread to this studio and was causing everything to collapse.
There was probably 30 more seconds before everyone would be turned into palachinki. Small
bits of debris were falling into Ada's eyeballs, almost blinding her.

David pointed up at the ceiling and said, "yo look, those cracks are forming such a nice
image." Ada looked up and saw a mona-lisa-shaped rock the size of a pickup truck hurtling
toward them. Before anyone could react, Jef hit a majestic titanic pose and said his final
words.

"You can't spell dentist without les dents. RISE MY PEARLY WHITES!!!"

He held up the rock for a couple of seconds as everyone moved out of the way before getting
crushed. Luckily, Ada and the others were not flattened as an army of cranks came out of the
shadows and prevented the other rocks from reaching them.

"Guys we gotta find a way out of the studio before the fire, rocks, or cranks get us!!!" The
Colombian girl shouted.
Unfortunately there was no exit door anywhere. Not a single 20 frickin’ kg door or even
mouse holes to escape from. Ada yelled at Saggykneepits. "Quick!! Chainsaw us outta
here!!"

Saggykneepits took a few steps back and frowned. "I can't activate Chainsaw mode if I'm
stressed guys. You know, you could be helping me capture the perfect moment for the show
instead." He said this very stressidly.

"Oh come on, my dear man. My mystical mind magics predict that we will get out of here.
Just you watch..." said Fat-Joe as he sprinted into the thin studio wall.

"KABLAMOOOOOOO" he shouted and continued shouting as he fell an unexpectedly long

drop. We all looked down to see that he picked the worst place imaginable to bull-run into.
The drop looked about 100 metres. Yikes. It was a 1m wide garbage chute that smelled even
worse than Fat-Joe himself. A bouncy thumping sound came from the chute and we all
whispered their RIPs.

Joe, you will be missed. He did need a bit of fork on his fortune telling after all. As they
crossed the chute, no one dared look down to see his spanking pancaked form.

"Quick! Someone blast open the other side so we can escape this falling apart building!!"
Ada yelled to the remaining survivors. Saggykneepits retracted his arm and shot out a
specialised modern version of a military flail from the 15th century towards the other side of
the chute.

Immediately, the chute shattered into a kajillion pieces and landed on Fat-Joe's unalived body.
We saw a blinding light.

"Is this heaven coming to take Joe??" David wondered aloud.

Indeed it was not. It looked like a stadium. There was a huge and colourful stage with a ring
of thousands upon thousands of seats surrounding it. A faint sound of music playing slithered
into their eardrums. Standing on the stage were a few familiar faces. And no, they were not
angels…
 Act 3: Blood and Glitter, Vocal Shitters…
Chapter Notes

I don't think we've mentioned yet that this story takes place in 2033, so there, a bit of
context for you.

This chapter and the next one will be the last short chapters, and then we'll get into the
good stuff... mwahahaha

Enjoy!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

On the far left was a group of hippy eighty-year-olds who were jiving and having the time of
their lives. Beside them was a very acrobatic fifty year old woman with a mullet braid and
waist, arm, and leg corsets. Ada wondered how she could breathe. Apparently she's a mind
reader too because the lady responded with "I don't care about the painnnn."

A bit further off was a very lovely gentleman who rivalled the likes of even David. He saw
the Colombian girl's face and blew her a kiss. She blushed and asked: "Ya like jazz...?"

He shook his head disappointedly and said: "Sorry, but I prefer fairytales, even though it
hurts." The Colombian girl retreated and cried.

Finally, on the far left was a group of four punky scandalously dressed adults. One was
wearing no shirt and had tattoos. His head was shaved except for one extremely long ponytail
that wrapped around his neck like a scarf. One had a luscious head of hair that was so silky it
looked like it hurt. He was holding two drumsticks (the non-chicken type). The other guy had
ratty hair and was doing unacceptable things with his guitar. The last member was a woman
who was doing even MORE unacceptable things to her bass. I almost feel sorry for it. She
saw them staring and yelled violently with the others in unison, "EAT MY SHXT."

Ada put two and two together and realised that these are all past Eurovision winners.

Colombia girl spoke first.

"What's going on here?? As a proud Colombian, I don't watch Eurovision. I'm only familiar
with Epic Songs Colombia. The ESC Contest…"

Rybak was the only one to respond. Seemingly because of the depth of their newfound
connection.

"You've never heard of the EUROVISION SONG CONTEST!?!?!" He screamed as his eyes
pooled with disbelieving tears of RAGE.
Ada decided to step in and control the situation. She pointed to the crazy old people.

"So these guys are all previous Eurovision song contest winners. Originally when the coking
show started, I was really disappointed that it was at the same time as Eurovision this year.
I'm pretty sure this year's winner will be Loreen… again. The other contestants are just
performing for cash. She's now the first contestant to win Eurovision 5 times in a row, 7
times in total…. She cray."

Rybak nodded in agreement. He added,

"Yep, that is exactly what happened. We were performing, when suddenly the lights went
haywire and all the people were evacuated. We were trying to escape when Loreen's stage
managers threw us in cages, took us backstage, and said that we were now her new backup
dancers and singers. We couldn't escape because the entire stage setup was an artistic cage
that actually served to prevent us from escaping during her performance. We have been trying
to escape for the past 30 minutes with no luck. Even Loreen's incredible GREENLAND
TRAINING FLEXIBILITIES couldn't get us out. Her management betrayed her and ran
away when everyone was evacuated."

Ada knew he was mad because his bulging veins were displacing his perfect hairstyle. She
felt so sorry for these people. Especially his hair. She knew they had to do something. There
was also the fact that her and her comrades were stuck too. They didn't have much of a
choice.

They all climbed out of the chute and joined the glorious winners, gathering around in a heap.

Saggykneepits spoke to everyone, "Any plans for how we're getting out of here? Can't be too
hard compared to the rooms we've been in before."

He was thrown backwards as he was shot by a million death glares.

"I know…" spoke a shadowy voice from the far corner of the stage. It was David's
vocalisation. He walked towards them, very dramatically, dragging a cloud of darkness with
him.

"The Sapiens present in this environment possess a wide variety of vocal capabilities,
correct?"

Everyone nodded because they were too stunned by David's sudden IQ growth spurt to
respond. Ada was confused as to where David's sunglasses had come from. They looked
suspiciously like Louis Vuitton… He reminded her of Igor, almost as though they were twins.

"Everyone, forcefully warble out some tunes to mow down the cage bars with the sheer force
of our melodies!!!!" We all seemed to approve of the plan, so we lined up in a row and did as
he said. David began to sing Bejba...

"BEJBA. IT'S KINDA KRAJZA. WITH YOU I LOST MY SENSES. BEJBAAA."

One bar shattered immediately.

"Come on, join my melodies everyone!!!" David said.

One by one, we all started bellowing BEJBA until we reached an almost impossibly high
note that made a shattering sound somewhere. Ada noticed a shimmering sparkling glimmer
drifting around them. She was immediately reminded of the alluring glisters in the vodka
coloured corneas of her love, David. Was this the power of music? The power of BEJBA?

Colombia girl extinguished her voice and looked around. “Is this what snow looks like? I’ve
never seen it before.” She turned her face towards the shine and let the shadows fall behind
her.

KREAAKKKRCHAAAAGHGHH.

Everyone spun toward the sound, only to find that its source was the splitting of the atoms
making up Columbia girl’s face. Everyone was frozen from traumatism, and the girl turned to
the aquarium wall behind us all and saw her reflection.

“GLASS BASTARDOOOOOOO! MY CARAAA (IT MEANS FACE GUYS)!”

She screamed with the power of 300 bellowing whales and two crazy uncles pooping to the
beat. The aquarium glass lost its will to live. Thousands of gallons of unknown liquid did a
trust fall on them, but they didn't manage to catch it. They slammed into the weakened bars
which gave one final groan of pain before disintegrating completely. They went on a water
slide ride, slamming into every seat and railing possible. The tiny piranhas zoomed past like
bullets, piercing Ada in the face and giving her new places to put on earrings.

She tried to inhale something non-liquid but alas, oxygen said adios.

She heard an underwater shriek as a piranha flew into David's mouth. Despite being
underwater, Ada could perfectly decipher what David said next:

"Bro this fish be BUSSIN. WANT SOME!?"

Ada wanted to reply but she did not have the same underwater speaking abilities that David
possessed. So she focused on not drowning instead. She heard melodic elderly melodies
drifting above her. It sounded like a cry for help. She shot David with a glare, her brows
furrowed into the shape of a question mark.

“I think it's Morse code…. I'll call back to them.” David began to bark violently towards the
drowning elderlies. His message was intercepted by Saggykneepits’ echolocation. He was
trying to find everyone. As of that moment he had recruited all the Måneskin members, who
were holding onto the straps of his eyepatch, and Rybak, whose eyes shone with the intensity
of three Andromeda galaxies after seeing the fate of his Colombian fairytale. Behind them
was a crank who had tagged along after spilling through the garbage chute.

David presented Saggykneepits with a certain finger. The host wasn't offended by this and
proceeded to pick David and Ada up. He stuffed them under his non propelling arm and
zoomed off.
Chapter End Notes

RIP Mirabel. You will be missed.

 Act 4: Constipation and A Constant Patient (0f misery)
Chapter Notes

TW: Lots of poop jokes ahead, I'm so not sorry

It seemed that the aquarium was much bigger than the late Mila’s fish tank. The water
gushing from it kept rising so much that Ada was getting plane sick by the time they burst
into a hallway, above the rows of seats. Everyone fell off of Saggykneepits. As they gasped
for breath, a different kind of gasp could be heard. The coking show OGs and Rybak turned
to see Thomas shuddering in pain as the other members held him.

“ I need to do a Kaarija”, he mumbled. What does he mean? Damiano translated.

“He needs to do a number two.”

They walked on and found a ceiling sign telling them the bathrooms were downstairs. Vic
said, “I dunno man, I don’t think he’s gonna make it all the way there.” Thomas was
incapacitated. It was from years of feeding people his SHXT.

Ada spotted an electrical mechanic chair lift for old people attached to the stair railing. She
motioned for everyone to follow her. Thomas moaned in response. David too for some
reason. They loaded Thomas onto the seat.

No one wanted to slip on the wet slippery stairs, so they all piled up on top of Thomas's
boney shoulders. Rybak groaned when his fingers touched the ratfur that made up Thomas's
ratty hair. It took 10 minutes for the chair lift to go down all the way. In that time, they
noticed someone was missing from the group. I looked up to see a scandalised Saggykneepits
vibrating with outrage. He crossed his arms and looked off to the side. One of his arms was
steaming… and it wasn’t the metal one.

Ada called after him. “WHY YOU UP THERE???”

Saggykneepits shook his head. “I would never go on something so..” he made a gagging
noise. “So technological!!!” Sad piano music played somewhere in the distance.

He began his monologue. Everyone was already crying.

“I used to work at Walmart, once upon a time.” Mr. Sag said huskily. BTW I am going to
begin calling him Mr Sag.

“I worked in the meat department— you see, I loved animals so much that I wanted to work
with them every day. One unfortunate day, I had Meat Mincer Duty. I wasn’t paying attention
as I worked, because it was bring-your-kid-to-work-day and my daughter was demonstrating
her sword-swallowing trick for the preschool talent show. I was so hypnotised by her
performance that I didn't notice that 3 of my limbs were being sucked into the mincing
monstrosity until it was too late. I was never the same. I lost 100 kg and my will to live. But
that isn’t even the worst part…”

Rybak begged him to continue. He was extremely invested.

“While I was at the hospital, the doctors put me in this new charity for newly amputees.
There was a new invention called The Arminator 3001. I was first on the list to try it out.
When I woke up, I looked in the mirror and saw that my arm had become the very thing that
had destroyed me. I couldn't bear to look at myself anymore. I clicked the cutlery button on
the arm and a plastic spoon shot out. It took out my eye. I clicked it again, and the other eye
was gone. I swore to never touch technology again.”

David asked him something we all were wondering. “But how in the heck did you become
the judge for Heck’s Kitchen?”

Mr. Sag sighed. “Those Walmart bastards fired me and so I was jobless for quite some time.
One day, I was making food for my daughter because that was the only thing I could do as a
single dad. I couldn't figure out how to make Kraft Dinner Mac n Cheese, so I decided to
listen to a Youtube tutorial from my arm (the tech is a part of my body so it doesn't count!)
and I accidentally recorded myself coking… accidentally. To my horror, a few days later my
daughter showed me that I went viral on Tiktok and that I was trending under the hashtag
#PIRATECHEF2033. My daughter narrated the comments which were all unbelievably
positive. From that day on, I knew I had to change my lifestyle. I went with the pirate theme
and became an influencer on Tiktok. I rose to fame quickly and got offered to be the host on
Heck’s Kitchen. I’ve been hosting ever since. THAT IS WHY I CANNOT GO ON THE
ELECTRONIC STAIR VEHICLE. IT IS AGAINST EVERYTHING I STAND FOR. ALL
MY PRINCIPLES.”

Mr. Sag began stumping down the stairs. Everyone gasped as one of his peglegs slipped on
the liquid. He came flying down screeching at the top of his lungs, and blew a hole in the
stairs. Mr. Sag was never seen again.

Ada felt pretty bad for him. But there were worse problems at hand. Thomas looked like he
was about to explode, so she ushered him towards the men’s washroom. She let him finish his
business while David motioned for her to join the rest of the group at the bottom of the
staircase. As she walked back, she heard inhuman shrieks of satisfaction behind her. She
heard his body thud on the bathroom tiles and Ethan clutched his chest as he knew his
bandmate had departed.

Ada reached the group and saw tears in everyone’s eyes. With great sadness, David spoke
first.

“Look-y here Ada! The hole in the stairs revealed a metal tube! It stinks worse than my
bathroom rag back at home, but that's still better than Thomas! I say we go in it.”

And so they all entered the plumbing with hopes of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

***

As they proceeded forward, it got darker and darker. Probably not a good sign. “I feel as
blind as Saggykneepits,” Ada proclaimed. “Anyone got a light source?”

“I've got an idea,” whispered David.

He turned to Rybak with a smirk on his face.

“Hey, remember that time when glasses girl got her face atoms bifurcated? That was crazy,
man. All that blood sputtering everywhere… It was as red as the soviet union flag!”

Rybak started to tremble. His eyes began to form some liquid. David continued.

“That poor girl never got to see the Eurovision song contest in person. Her only experience
with it was hostile, watery, and the cause of her demise. She was such a Beta.”

That set him off. Rybak screamed as he waterfalled gallons of tears made of disbelieving
colère.

The glistening light that came out of his eyes was enough to light the entire tunnel. They
continued as David walked with Rybak, patting his ryback.

At last, they reached a grate with a sign that said DANGER. Damiano inched toward it and
then jumped back. “Mama mia that smell was disgusting…” he grumbled with his hot Italian
accent. Everyone was curious as to what was behind the stinky grate, so they approached and
popped it open. The crank that was with us went in first. Victoria kicked it down and after a
few seconds we all heard splashing noises. It had landed in a large pool of sewer water.

“Mama mia, this taste is nasty…” grumbled the crank.

Damiano guffawed. “Heehee that was in italiano~”

And so they jumped into the sewage together, teeheeing all the way.
 Act 5: MAMA IDEMO NA HUNGER GAMES, ŠČ!!!

They floated downstream for a couple minutes. There wasn't much to see other than pieces.

Ada noticed the current was picking up speed, (probably related to the descending tears from
Rybak’s depressed face), and she looked ahead. She was flabbergasted to see that the water
was coming to an end. The end being a humounhgus waterfall that was at least a 150 ft drop.

She began to panic as she tried to paddle backwards. David blew as hard as he could. And
Victoria tried to push the water back with her bass that she was still carrying around.

We all screamed as they fell.

The water smacked us with shear force. Ada was about to resurface, but unfortunately
Ethan’s silky hair whipped her back down into the depths. She was struggling to hold her
breath for so long when she heard the blubbering bubbles of someone. That someone yanked
her up and shoved her onto a metal surface. How strange… She looked down to see the steel-
hard back that she was riding belonged to none other than her Boy Saviour , David.

“I smell land nearby…” he whispered.

David swam butterfly with his right arm, while the other held onto ada. They submerged
every stroke and Ada had to hold on to her breath smartly. His legs were doing dolphin kicks,
and Ada joined in as they butterflied with the rhythm of a waltz. The power of loveeee.

Damiano grabbed hold of David's leg and the other survivors joined in. They were a human
train of butterflies, wiggling themselves to land. When they reached a concrete landing,
David flung Ada away. We took a minute to gather our breaths. The silence was broken by
the crank who muttered (still with an Italian accent), “Door. Over there…” He pointed to a
giant bronze door with a vaulty wheel handle thing. It looked like something you would find
on a submarine.

David tried to put his strength into action but he was overpowered by the door. The
remaining maneskin members joined in and the wheel turned ever so slightly. They turned to
Ada and Rybak.

Ada was good at opening 20 frickin kg doors so she obliged, and with her help we managed
to open the door.

On the other side was a small grey room filled with other people. Ada scanned the crowd in
search of familiar visages. Surprise struck her like a bolt of lightning when she realised that
these were other Eurovision people. She recognized baby lasagna, bambie thug, Nemo, joost,
mustii, je t'aime guy and petra mede. The others were too short or far back to see.
Upon further inspection, her eyes landed on a gigantic screen that was titled Tributes. It read:

District 1: Silvester Belt (35) - 62%, ABBA (late 80s)

District 2: Maneskin (30s) - 83%, Baby Lasagna (38) - 70%

District 3: Bambie thug (40) - 66.6%, Sophie (25) - 52%

District 4: Alexander Rybak (47 ) - 16%, Saggykneepits (his age is quite old)

District 5: Kaarija (39) - 50%, Bojan (Not Mila’s dad) (34) - 41%

District 6: Joost (35) - 31%, Nemo (34) - 44%

District 7: Je t’aime guy (43) - 30%, Reginald Jekko Taymbombous VI (immortal) - 19%

District 8: Niki (21) - 34%, Mirabel Madrigal(24)

District 9: Mustii (42) - 15%, Petra Mede (63) - 9%

District 10: Fat Joe (51) (Assumed), Igor Ivanov (33)

District 11: Mila (25), Simon Cowell (73) - 5%

District 12: Ada (18) - 4%, David (Her bf) (21) - 7%

Tributes left: 18 :(

Ada scanned the list. A few names took her by surprise. Namely, Sophie; her big sis, Simon
Cowell; who she assumed had already escaped, and Niki was there too. Some names she
didn’t recognize, like Reginald Jekko and Mirabel Madrigal.

One thing that scandalised her was the writing next to David's name. Her gasp of joy was met

😔
with David’s reply, “It ok Ada… they just know we bestie friendies.” He slapped her back,
and she yelled in pain; not physical, but emotional .

Everyone's thoughts were interrupted by a glitch sound coming from the corner of the room.
It was a hologram Loreen. Wait, Loreen was still alive? Everyone assumed she had drowned.

“Greetings earthlings. So many familiar faces,” she grinned evilly. “Yet there are those who
didn't make it. Ever heard of the Hunger Games? As it is the 100th annual Hunger Games,
and therefore the quarter quell, the tributes are to be reaped from an existing pool of
Eurovision participants. You have all been chosen and will have a week to train. Some of you
may die, but that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.”

At this, chaos erupted. Kaarija screamed in rage and launched one of his backup dancers at
the hologram. She spun in midair and attempted to karate chop it, but Loreen remained intact.

“HAHAHEHEHOHO. YOU CANNOT FIGHT ME. I AM THE GAMEMAKER, AND

WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR INTERRUPTING MY 10 YEAR WIN STREAK!!!”

Nemo cowered in fear. “Let everybody know I'm not playing the game! I'll break out of the
chains!” Loreens fingers snapped closed, and so did Nemo's mouth. A hand voodoo doll.

😈
“Zippi LA BOUCHE.” Nemo shed a tear. She could control everyone. We were stuck on her
like a tattoo-oo-oo. “May the odds be ever in your favour. ”

***

They were guided to a room by youngish swedish-looking people, all of whom were
identical. David asked for their names to pass the time. “My name is Marcus, and this is
Martinus. Those ones over there,” he pointed to another pair pushing the Maneskin members,
“are Willus and Simonus. Watch out for Augustus though, he snoops around and is pretty
unforgettable.”

Super bassy, techno music that Mr. Sag would have hated started playing on their watches.

“Time for us to go! Here’s your room.” They pushed us inside.

Both Ada and David stuck a finger to the closed door. After such a long eventful afternoon,
Ada was pretty drained. She took in her surroundings. The room was huge and full of
futuristic, alien-like furniture. The two beds were on opposite sides from each other, and in
between was an indoor swimming pool. Ada laid on her bed and closed her eyes. The last
thing she saw was the sight of David lying face down on the pool, snoring at the top of his
lungs. His breaths caused the waters to bubble.
The next day, Ada was awoken by Marcus (or Martinus?) opening the blinds. Augustus was
at the other side of the window waiting with a camera. He looked around, seemed to be
disappointed and slithered down.

“Breakfast is ready in the Food Room. Training will commence shortly after.”

Ada noticed two uniforms hanging on the door frame. They were metallic and had turbo
engines on the sides. There were even matching sunglasses on the floor. It reminded Ada of
Lars Erikson’s outfit in that old Eurovision movie. They tried them on and they fit like a
glove. She discovered some cool looking buttons on her sleeve. She teared up as it reminded
her of the late Mr. Sag.

Breakfast was short. Nobody spoke very much. All that could be heard were the muffled sobs
coming from Nemo who was being comforted by Petra Mede and Bambie Thug. Ada sat by
Rybak who was whispering to himself, “You know what, I don't even care if I lose my mind.
I'm already close…”

After breakfast they headed to the training centre. It looked like a humongous spacious
obstacle course with different stations on the edges for surviving in the wild. Ada stuck to
David and he stuck to the vodka, but he still appeared as frightened as she was of the career
tributes.

Silvester slid off his metal nosepiece and flung it at je t’aime guy’s eyeball. Bambie thug was
effortlessly doing the monkey bars and dismounted with three backflips, landing in a perfect
split on Sophie's back. Sophie then did 20 one-armed, one-legged push ups. Baby Lasagna
threw some axes at a nemo-shaped dummy, which immediately split into multiple chunky
chunks. The three maneskins were in the middle of a three-way boxing match and kept
growling at Mustii.

Ada knew she had to form some allies. She trudged toward her sister’s friend’s sister, Niki.
She hadn’t seen that creature since she moved to the US and her new look reflected the ghetto
area she was living in. The sides of her head and a strip down the middle were shaved while
the rest of her hair was bleached blond. She had 20 piercings on each ear and had multiple
other piercings on her schnozzle and lip. She had cut the silver uniform into a tube top, which
revealed many new tattoos all over her arms, chest, face, and stomach. When she noticed Ada
coming toward her, she smiled and her teeth were all black. Ada supposed that was because
she hasn't brushed her teeth in over a decade.

“Hi there Ada! How's it going?” Niki said with a bubbly voice.
“Uhhhh hi??” Ada raised one eyebrow and cringed. David popped up from behind Ada and
said hi as well. Ada continued.

“So… wanna be allies?”

“Sure. I mean my district partner is gone and I have no friends to join so yeah.”

Joined by Niki, they decided to go to the weakest of the careers, Rybak, who was sitting on a
stool trying to figure out how to tie a knot. David laughed and said, “Cheesyballssss. Imagine
not knowing how to tie your shoelaces. My hair is goldener and flowy-er than yours!” He
bulged his brain to show off his locks.

“That's not very nice, malchik .”

“SUKA!!!!” They both shouted at the same time. Then they shook hands and a mutual
understanding crossed between them.

“I guess we have more allies.” Ada told Niki. Then everyone got to training. David joined
Kaarija at the camouflage station and Rybak went back to tying knots, while Niki went to the
pool where Bojan and Simon Cowell were blown back by the waves of her olympic-speed
swimming. Ada was alone at the archery station. As she worked on her target practice, she
thought back to a better time. A time before she had signed up for the coking show.

And so, a week went by in this way. David had gotten so good at camouflage that Ada would
randomly feel pokes and turn around to see nothing except a pair of his wondrous, alcoholic
eyes blinking innocently at her. It was finally time for the interviews. Loreen’s Swedish army
was escorting them backstage, putting fancy clothes on them, and dragging away Silvester
Belt first.

Nobody spoke much. Everyone was inhaling the smell of sweat. Every ten minutes or so, the
next person was taken away. Nobody returned. By the time Kaarija left, the many Marcuses
and Martinuses looked like they were getting bored. One started giggling and lifted his bony
shoulders in an imitation of Joost. He whispered “Eurokaka.” Joost was going red as he
charged up with fury. His mouth began frothing a little and he jerked his head threateningly.
A Martinus screamed and fainted. Immediately, five other guards lifted Joost up and carried
him away, shouting “DISQUALIFIED!”
It wasn’t long after before David was called. Ada went to the TV in the corner. JoeJoe
Frickyuman was the newest in the line of Frickyuman hosts. He started off the interview with
a “Wassup D Dawg!”

“Yo broski what you do be doing here?” David replied, rolling his eyes back and smiling at
the roaring audience (the lights were too bright to make out the audience, could be robots).
JoeJoe laughed the iconic Frickyuman laugh. “HoueghHoueghHogh. I am doing swell! Now
Mr David, the audience feels left in the dark with the nature of your relationship with a
certain ally of yours. Nudge nudge. What do you have to say to that?”

David looked appalled. “We are just good buddies, Rybak and I. There is nothing between us.
Except the shared vodka running through our bloods.” JoeJoe sat up straight. “No no, you
seem to have misunderstood my question… I’m asking about someone closer to your age.”
David looked even more appalled. “Yo I’m not into beastiality. Niki is not my type.”

JoeJoe coughed in annoyance. “I mean Miss Ada.”

“Ohhhhh. I’m just her brotha from anotha motha.”

The audience screamed in disbelief and disappointment. JoeJoe decided to change the topic.
“How has your training been going?” David paused for a moment to think. “Hmmm. I'm
going to show you.” He ducked behind the couch for 30 seconds, and then revealed himself.
He had painted his face a murky green colour with detailed branches, rocks, and even birds.
Everytime he raised a brow, the bird would flap its wings. Frikyuman clicked a button on a
small remote that made the background of the stage become a photograph of a forest. David
seemed to disappear, with only his tuxedo showing, so it looked like floating clothes.

JoeJoe looked impressed and laughed some more. “Give it up for David everyone!” The
audience applauded and David left. Ada was last to be interviewed. She was careful not to
trip on her pretty pink dress as she made her way up.

“How are you my dear?” Joejoe began.

“I'm a wee bit nervous, you know. I don't want to die.” She looked down at her shoes. JoeJoe
patted her on the shoulder. “I'm sure you will do just fine, Ada. Although you do have the
lowest odds.” He wiped away some eye sweat coming from Ada's tear ducts. Ada swatted
away her hand and said, “I just don't think this is fair….” She looked at the camera pointing
towards her. She punched the Marcus holding it away and grabbed it for herself. “Loreen,
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ON EUROVISION.
NEITHER HAS DAVID, OR NIKI, OR LIKE, HALF OF US. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO
YOU!?!?”

The Marcus on the ground limped over and ripped the camera off of her. The lights turned off
and everyone was escorted to a large private jet. Inside we got injected with trackers that hurt
like a bitxh. When we landed we had to go to separate rooms. Ada walked into the room
where she was sprayed with a stinky gas and immediately fell to the ground.

When she woke up, she was in a tube, wearing different clothes than when she had passed
out. She was sporting a plain blue button up shirt with some boring brown pants and nothing
pink. She had an ugly brown vest that I don't approve of and some combat boots. Overall
2/10 look.

She was taken by surprise when the tube began rising. She could hear distant echoes of some
lady screaming about cinnamon or something.

The games had finally begun.

H*ck Yeah!
End Notes

feel free to ask any questions in the comments...

Also if you haven't noticed, this story is very unserious, so don't mind any spelling errors or
random words from other languages (keep a google translate tab open, if you'd like!)

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