Assertive Communication
By Dr. Peris Kariuki
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Assertiveness
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness means expressing your
point of view in a way that is clear and
direct, while still respecting others.
Assertiveness
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is communicating and expressing
your thoughts, feelings and opinions in a way that
makes your views and needs clearly understood
by others, without putting down their thoughts,
feelings, or opinions.
Assertiveness
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express our
thoughts and feelings openly in an Honest,
Appropriate, Respectful and Direct way.
It can be HARD to do, but it gets easier with
practice. In assertive communication both
individuals are considered to be equally
important.
Communicating in an assertive
manner can help you to:
minimize conflict
control anger
have your needs met
have more positive relationships with friends,
family and others.
Assertive communication
Assertiveness is not
Aggressive communication
Passive communication
Aggressive communication
People often confuse assertiveness with
aggression, because it involves sticking up for
yourself.
But the 2 are actually quite different.
Table: The difference between
aggression and assertiveness
Aggression Assertiveness
Force your Express your needs clearly but
needs/opinions on respectfully.
others.
Often involves bullying or Others are treated with
pushing other around. respect.
Only your needs matter. Consider the needs of others as
well as yours.
Damages self-esteem. Builds self-esteem.
Aggression Assertiveness
No compromise. Often compromise.
Damages relationships. Strengthens
relationships.
May lead to shouting or Using clear language to
physical aggression. get point across.
Damages self-esteem. Builds self-esteem.
An example
Imagine you are standing in line at the bank and someone else
pushes in front of you.
An aggressive response could be to grab them by the shoulder
and say loudly: “Hey! What makes you so important that you
don’t have to wait in line like the rest of us?”
This might make you feel better in the short term, but you will
probably also spend the rest of the hour feeling annoyed about the
interaction.
Perhaps the other person will shout back at you and the situation
will get even worse, really leaving you in a bad mood.
A more assertive response could be to gently tap the person
on the shoulder and say in a clear but respectful voice: “Excuse
me; there is actually a line here. It would be better if you could
wait your turn like the rest of us.”
Passive communication
This is not speaking up for yourself, either because
you think your views don’t matter or for reasons
like trying to please everyone or ‘keep the peace’
putting your needs last to the needs of others
allowing yourself to be bullied or ignored
speaking quietly or with a hesitating voice, or with
body-language like looking at the floor or shrugging
the shoulders
undermining your opinions with passive phrases
such as “only if you don’t mind” or “but it really
doesn’t matter that much to me”.
Passive communication
Passive communication can be damaging to
your self-esteem, and also to
Your relationships.
If you use a passive communication style:
others are more likely to ignore your needs,
which may leave you feeling hurt or even angry
with them for not treating you better.
Tips for practicing being assertive:
State your point of view or request clearly.
Tell the other person how you feel as honestly as
you can, and remember to listen to what they say
as well.
Think about the tone and volume of your voice –
how you say it is as important as what you say.
Speak at a normal conversation volume, rather
than a shout or whisper, and make sure that you
sound firm but not aggressive.
Tips
Make sure your body language matches.
your listener will get mixed messages if you are
speaking firmly while looking at the floor. Try
to look the other person in the eye, stand tall,
and relax your face.
Try to avoid exaggerating with words like always
and never.
For example “You are 20 minutes late, and it is the
third time this week” rather than “You are always
late!”.
Tips
Try to speak with facts rather than judgements.
For example, “This report has important information
missing” rather than “You have done a bad job again”.
Use ‘I statements’ as much as possible, to tell the other
person how you feel, rather than be accusing.
For example, “When you leave your dishes on the
table, I feel frustrated because I don’t like the mess but
don’t want to clean it up for you” rather than “You’re
such a lazy person!”.
In conclusion
“I” Statements allow people to ‘own’ (take
responsibility for) their own thoughts & feelings
assertiveness involves taking a risk
Practice often – assertiveness is a skill which
requires you to practice in many different
situations.
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The Basic Assertive Rights of Every
Human Being include:
Having dignity and self-respect
Saying NO when justified without feeling guilty
Expressing your feelings
Asking for what you want directly
Feeling good about yourself
Being able to change your mind
Negotiating and reaching compromises when
conflict exists
