A NOTE FROM DR.

JONICE WEBB

Thank you for purchasing my new book,

Running on Empty No More: Transform
Your Relationships With Your Partner,
Your Parents & Your Friends! I’m so
glad you have decided to take on the
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
that is blocking you from the most important people in your life. I am sure
that you will identify with some of the lovely people you will meet in these
pages, and you will see your struggles in theirs. You haven’t just bought a
book, you have joined a community, and I look forward to walking through
your healing process with you!

Sincerely,

Dr. Jonice Webb

 Praises for Running on Empty No More How can parents change their interactions with their children
to provide them with the emotional validation they need in order to
Jonice Webb opens doors to richer, more connected relationships by grow into healthy, strong adults? Can relationships with emotionally
naming the elephant in the room “Childhood Emotional Neglect” and neglectful parents be healed? How do you reach out to an emotionally
offering readers clear guidance and support to talk with their loved ones neglectful partner or spouse? By combining riveting, personal vignettes
on a new and deeper level. This book will speak to many.” with clear, practical exercises and touches of humor, Running on Empty
—Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D., No More answers all of these questions in a way that will validate and
authors of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples motivate readers.
and The Space Between: The Point of Connection —Randi Kreger, nationally recognized speaker and expert
on borderline personality disorder and author of the international
Filled with examples of well-meaning people struggling in their bestsellers, Stop Walking on Eggshells and The Essential Family Guide to
relationships, Jonice Webb not only illustrates what’s missing Borderline Personality Disorder. Founder of BPDcentral.com
between adults and their parents, husbands and their wives, and parents
and their children; she also explains exactly what to do about it. Jonice Webb has hit another home run with her book, Running on Empty
—Terry Real, internationally recognized family therapist, speaker No More. A well-organized and comprehensive book about the practical
and author, Good Morning America, The Today Show, 20/20, Oprah and side of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Dr. Webb’s work is especially
The New York Times poignant because the material is fresh and relevant, the explanations are
clearly articulated, and her writing style is refreshingly down-to-earth
Dr. Jonice Webb describes the almost indescribable in a way you can and accessible. Clinicians like myself as well as the lay reader will find
understand. Childhood emotional neglect can cause trauma and long- this book to be a necessary companion to her break-through bestseller,
lasting devastating effects on emotional development and relationships. Running on Empty, which introduced a topic that needed to see the light
Embrace it now. In Dr. Webb’s book, Running on Empty No More, you of day. As an amorphous but wide-spread condition, readers of her first
will find practical solutions for everyday life to heal yourself and your book will applaud Dr. Webb’s use of illustrative case examples, step by
relationships. This is a terrific new resource that I will be recommending step instructions, practical exercises and skill building worksheets. I
to many clients now and in the future! will be recommending this book to my clients, and to those who want
—Dr. Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? to understand that CEN is not curse, but a legitimate psychological
Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and condition which a person can overcome.
Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict —Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, author of The Human
Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

In Dr. Jonice Webb’s second book, Running on Empty No More, Dr. Webb’s first book, Running on Empty, was a paradigm-changer. In
she turns the powerful lens of Childhood Emotional Neglect from Running on Empty No More, which is helpful for laypeople and clinicians
healing the individual to strengthening and deepening the most important alike, she expands on the idea of Childhood Emotional Neglect and
relationships in our lives. She answers questions like: provides readers with concrete ways to change their interactions with
the people most important to them. Written in easy-to-understand but
descriptive language, with lots of examples, Dr. Webb helps readers learn
how to create healthier, more expressive, and more fulfilling relationships
with the central people in their lives.

RUNNINGON
—Samantha Rodman, PhD, LLC, Founder of Drpsychmom.com

EMPTY
and author of 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage
and How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce.

NO MORE
Transform Your Relationships
With Your Partner,
Your Parents and Your Children

Jonice Webb, PhD

NEW YORK
LONDON • NASHVILLE • MELBOURNE • VANCOUVER
RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE
Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner,
Your Parents and Your Children

© 2018 Jonice Webb, PhD

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical,
photocopy, recording, scanning, or other‚—except for brief quotations in critical
reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in New York, New York, by Morgan James Publishing. Morgan James is a
trademark of Morgan James, LLC. www.MorganJamesPublishing.com

The Morgan James Speakers Group can bring authors to your live event. For more
information or to book an event visit The Morgan James Speakers Group at For My Clients
www.TheMorganJamesSpeakersGroup.com.

ISBN 978-1-68350-673-7 paperback

ISBN 978-1-68350-674-4 eBook
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017911451
Cover Design by:
Rachel Lopez
www.r2cdesign.com
Interior Design by:
Bonnie Bushman
The Whole Caboodle Graphic Design
Author photo by:
Sue Bruce Photography

In an effort to support local communities, raise awareness and funds, Morgan James
Publishing donates a percentage of all book sales for the life of each book to
Habitat for Humanity Peninsula and Greater Williamsburg.

Get involved today! Visit

www.MorganJamesBuilds.com
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Acknowledgments xiii
Introduction xv
The Three Big Questions I Get Most Often: xviii

PART 1: CEN AND YOUR RELATiONSHiP 1

Chapter 1: The CEN Relationship: A Portrait 3
When One Partner Has CEN 3
When Both Partners Have CEN 6
Chapter 2: Did CEN Affect Your Choice of Partner? 9
Five Ways CEN Can Affect Your Choice of Partner 9
Summary 14
Chapter 3: The Effects of CEN on Your Relationship 15
The Four Skill Sets Required for an Emotionally Connected 16
Relationship
How to Know If Your Relationship Is Affected by CEN 21
The Chasm That Forms in the CEN Relationship 27
Chapter 4: How to Talk to Your Partner about CEN 31
Before You Talk with Your Partner 34
What to Expect: The Elements of a Successful Talk about CEN 38
What to Do If You Both Have CEN 40
What to Do If You Cannot Reach Your Partner 43
Chapter 5: How to Repair Your CEN Relationship 46
Connection-Building Exercises 48
Conflict Management Exercises 56
Portrait of a Couple’s CEN Recovery 58

ix
x | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE TAbLE Of CONTENTS | xi

PART 2: YOUR CEN PARENTS 61 Chapter 13: Changing Your Parenting Style 176
Chapter 6: The Emotionally Neglectful Family All Grown Up: 63 Three Changes You Can Make Now with Children of Any Age 177
3 Portraits How to Prevent CEN and Enrich Your Relationship with 179
The Well-Meaning-But-Neglected-Themselves Parents (WMBNT) 63 Your Small Child
The Struggling Parent 66 Strategies for Adolescents 183
The Self-Involved Parent 68 Strategies for Your Adult Child 187
Chapter 7: How CEN Affects Your Relationship with Your Parents 71 Summary 190
The Three Types of Emotionally Neglectful Parents & How 72 Chapter 14: Should You Talk with Your Child about CEN? 191
to Identify Them And How to Do It
What You May Be Feeling in Your Relationship with Your Parents 78 The Potential Advantages and Disadvantages 192
The Four-Step Guilt Management Technique 80 Five Questions to Help You Decide 196
Two Tools to Accept and Use Your Feelings 81 Set Yourself Up for Success 199
Chapter 8: Protect Yourself: Boundaries and Self-Care 83 Summary 202
How to Know When to Start Setting Limits 84 Chapter 15: Portrait of Two Healing Families 203
Protect Yourself with Self-Care 88
The Miraculous Protection of Boundaries 90 Epilogue 213
Chapter 9: Talking with Your Parents about CEN 95 About the Author 215
How to Decide If You Should Talk with Your Parents about CEN 98 References 217
How to Talk with Your Parents 104 Resources 219
Portrait of a Healing Parent/Child Relationship 110
What to Do If There Is No Hope 121

PART 3: YOUR CHiLDREN 129

Chapter 10: The Emotionally Neglected Child, A Portrait 131
The CEN Child 131
The CEN Child, All Grown Up 136
Chapter 11: The Feelings of the CEN Parent 139
The Feelings of the CEN Parent 141
Chapter 12: How CEN Has Affected Your Parenting 150
The Feelings of the CEN Child 152
Summary 174
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Asking for help is not my forte, to put it mildly. But certain people in my
life are so supportive of me, and by extension my work, that asking them
to read my manuscript, to give me feedback on it, or to fix a technical
issue is easy. With these few people, asking for help doesn’t even feel like
asking for help.
Denise Waldron, herself an author and in the process of writing
her own book, always manages to read my chapters, correct errors
for me big and small, and deliver honest reactions. I can never thank
Denise enough for being a supportive, honest, reliable colleague and
trusted friend.
Mike Feinstein, another forthright and trusted friend, squeezed his
reading and review of the manuscript of this book into train rides on a
business trip, and delivered incredibly helpful observations and honest
reactions to the material in record time, just as I needed it.
My dear husband Seth was always there for multiple emergencies
like when I needed technical help with the creation of Change Sheets,
decision-making input, or a pep talk. Seth, I can’t imagine how I could
possibly have written this book without your constant supportive
presence and unquestioning, unshakable belief in my ability to write
and deliver.
No doubt, this book is far better because of the multiple bright
minds that contributed questions, observations, reactions, criticisms
and suggestions.

xiii
xiv | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE

Danielle DeTora, PsyD, read and responded to this book as a

psychologist, and through her careful assessment of each section, helped
me make this book much stronger.
Joyce Davis, LICSW not only read for me, but also, with her therapist INTRODUCTION
hat on, gave me suggestions as needed to improve the manuscript. Joanie
Schaffner, LICSW offered crucial objective advice on one section.
Many thanks to my agent Michael Ebeling, who was the one to say,
“It’s time for you to write another book,” and then helped me figure out
the best way to do it. And to Tabitha Moore, who has helped me reach in 2012 i wrote Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional
so many more people with my message than I could ever have done on Neglect. Since the day of its publication, I have received thousands of
my own. messages from readers who are relieved to finally understand what’s been
Two major inspirations for this book, as well as the prior one, are my weighing on them for their entire lives.
children, Lydia and Isaac. Raising you has required me to ask questions I Some of these folks have had epiphanies that turned their lives
would never have otherwise known to ask, and grow in ways that I would around by dramatically alleviating their shame and confusion, and
never have otherwise known were possible. Just by being who you are, setting them on a forward path. For others it’s been more of a series of
you taught me what really matters in this world. If not for you, this book quiet realizations taking them out of the darkness and into the light of
could never have been imagined. self-understanding and strength.
Lastly, I would like to thank my dad, now 15 years gone. In your Beginning to feel your emotions is no small thing. In fact, it’s
final days, you said seven words to me that planted the first seeds of deceptively tremendous. As you chip away the wall that your child self
my realization of the power of Childhood Emotional Neglect. I have built to block out your emotions, you begin to feel more and more valid,
included your words in this book, in hopes that they may inspire others, and more and more alive.
as they did me. If you started out feeling little to nothing, you can find yourself a
bit disconcerted by these new experiences. Bit by bit, you find yourself
feeling the weight of sadness in your chest, the zing of excitement in
your belly, or perhaps some anger or hurt from past wrongs that were
done you. Some of these emotions can be painful, yes. Others are joyous
and loving. All of them, positive and negative, connect you to your true
self, to the world, and to the people around you in a new way that you
never imagined.
Everyone is different, of course. But one factor is shared by all
who are on the path of CEN Recovery: all are changing their lives by
changing themselves on the inside. And changing on the inside has

xv
xvi | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE iNTRODUCTiON | xvii

ripple effects on the outside. Every positive, healthy change that you or if they loved you and did their best while raising you, you will struggle
make in yourself affects the people around you. This can lead to some to understand why you’re not happier, and why you feel different from
very unexpected challenges. others in some unnamable way. “What am I missing that others seem to
And that is the reason for this book. have? What is wrong with me?”
Before we go on, a quick refresher on Childhood Emotional The reality is that what you are missing is the most vital thing you
Neglect (or CEN). CEN is as simple in its definition as it is devastating need in order to have rewarding, resilient, meaningful relationships.
in its effects. You are missing ready access to your emotions. A CEN relationship
can often be described as a watered-down version of what a relationship
Childhood Emotional Neglect is what happens when, should be. Sadly, most CEN couples don’t realize this, since it’s all they
throughout your childhood, your parents fail to respond have ever known.
enough to your emotional needs.
Wondering if you have CEN?
What happens to you as a child, growing up in a household that is CEN can be invisible and hard to remember, so it can be difficult to
either blind to your emotions or intolerant of what you feel? You must know if you have it. If what you have read so far rings true to you,
adapt to your situation. To ensure that you don’t burden your parents I invite you to visit drjonicewebb.com/cen-questionnaire and take
with your feelings or emotional needs, you push your emotions down the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire.
and away. You become intolerant of your own feelings, and you try hard
to have no needs. To learn how the CEN adaptive pattern in childhood continues
Most likely all of this happens outside of your conscious awareness. to affect you throughout your adult years and how to heal it, see my
Your little child brain knows exactly what to do to protect you, and how first book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional
to do it. A metaphorical wall is constructed to block your feelings away, Neglect.
protecting your parents from needing to deal with them. This automatic, If you’ve already realized that CEN is a part of your life and are
adaptive move may serve you quite well in your childhood home, but as experiencing some of the benefits of addressing it, or if you suspect that
an adult, you will suffer. someone you care about has CEN, read on. Because this book is for you.
Living life with your own feelings partially walled off is painful and Recovery from CEN is a process. As you recover, you start to feel
challenging. Your emotions, which should be connecting you, motivating differently and act differently. As you get in touch with your feelings,
you, stimulating and guiding you, are not available enough to do their you have more energy, more motivation and more direction. As you get
job. You find yourself living in a world that seems less bright, less vivid, to know yourself better, you realize that you have wishes and needs, and
and less interesting than the world you see others enjoying. You struggle what those wishes and needs are. As you realize that you’re not weak or
to know what you want, what you need, or how to thrive. Indeed, you damaged after all, you start feeling good about taking up more space.
find yourself running on empty. You start to realize that you are just as valid and important as everyone
These natural effects of having your emotions walled off can also be else. You start feeling closer to the people around you, and you may start
quite baffling. Especially if your parents provided for you well materially, wanting more emotional substance back from them.
xviii | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE iNTRODUCTiON | xix

As you’re working hard, cleaning up all of the havoc that CEN has • Should I talk with my parents about Emotional Neglect? How
wreaked throughout the decades of your life, you can’t help but wreak do I do it?
more havoc of a different kind. It’s a healthy kind of havoc that’s brought • I feel guilty about how angry I am at my parents. What should
on by the healthy changes you are making. Yet it’s havoc nonetheless. I do?
The transformation of the CEN person may be dramatic, may be • I can see how CEN has affected the way I’ve raised my children.
slow and steady, may be intermittent/sporadic, or may be all three at Is it too late to fix it?
different times. But no matter how you transform your inner self, it • I can see the effects of CEN on my adult children. How can I
affects the people who are closest to you. They may become puzzled, reach out to talk with them about CEN?
confused or surprised by you. They may sense different feelings, or a • Is it possible to heal the emotional distance in my relationship?
different depth of feelings coming from you. They may find you more
assertive, and they may even resent you for it. If any of these questions resonate with you, you are not alone. You
No matter where you are in your recovery, simply becoming aware are in the same boat with many other CEN people like yourself who are
of your CEN can throw many parts of your life into question. As you working and striving to better their lives.
see the effects of CEN, you may feel your own relationships disrupted. You are brave, and you are strong. Otherwise you would not be
You may feel angry or guilty or irritated at your parents or your spouse. reading this. You deserve guidance, warmth and care. You deserve the
You may become aware of what you’re not getting from these people to answers and help that you were denied in childhood.
whom you are the closest. You may become aware of what you’ve not It is for you that I write this book.
been giving them.
What do you do when you are becoming healthier and changing for
the better, and yet you find your life becoming more complex?

The Three big Questions i Get Most Often:

1. How do I heal the effects of CEN on my relationship?
2. How do I deal with my parents, now that I realize they
emotionally neglected me?
3. How do I deal with the effects of CEN that I now see in my
children?

Each of these Three Big Questions encompasses many more:

• I think my husband has CEN. How do I talk with him about it?
• What about the special case in which both partners in a
relationship grew up with CEN?
 PART 1

CEN AND YOUR

RELATIONSHIP
 Chapter 1

THE CEN RELATIONSHIP:

A PORTRAIT

When One Partner Has CEN

Marcel and May

Driving home from work alone in his car, Marcel is lost in thought. In his
mind he’s replaying over and over the scenario that happened the previous
night between himself and his wife, May.
In the scenario, Marcel walked through the door, dropped his briefcase
on the floor, crouched down and opened his arms to his two small children,
who ran into his arms yelling, “Daddyyyyyy!!” The giant hug turned into a
wrestling match as he took turns tickling one after the other.
“Children, get off your dad! He’s been working all day and he’s too
tired for silliness,” he heard May declare loudly as she walked into the
room. Marcel watched his children’s small faces fall a bit as they extricated
themselves from the Daddy Pile. His own heart sinking a little, he stood up
and gave May a hug.
Distractedly, May gave him a half-hug back while glancing over her
shoulder. “Can you fix that broken window this evening? And keep an eye on
the kids for a second?” she asked as she ran down the steps into the basement
to get something.

3
4 | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE THE CEN RELATiONSHiP: A PORTRAiT | 5

Watching the children play, Marcel had an uncomfortable feeling in his It’s difficult for the partner of a CEN person to understand exactly
gut. Sad, lost, alone. Yes, definitely alone. He mustered his courage to try to what the problem is. “Is it me or is it her?” he might wonder often.
talk to May when she came back up those steps. “Are my expectations unrealistic? Is this simply what it’s like to be
“May, I need to talk to you for a minute,” he said to her that evening married? Am I overly needy? Am I nitpicking or making mountains from
after the kids were in bed. “I just keep feeling like something is wrong molehills?” These are all questions that run through the mind of the non-
with us.” CEN partner.
“What? What are you talking about? I don’t understand,” May From May’s perspective, everything is fine in the marriage, except
responded, with tears instantly springing to her eyes. “Do you not love me for the brief periods when Marcel expresses dissatisfaction. “Why can’t
anymore?” you just be happy?” is the typical response of the CEN spouse. May loves
“Of course I love you, as much as ever,” he reassured her. “It’s just…I Marcel and genuinely wants him to be happy, but she is unequipped
don’t know what it is. I just don’t really feel like everything is how it should with the skills or emotional perceptiveness to understand what he needs
be,” Marcel began. As he finished the sentence, he looked up and saw that or wants. She may view Marcel’s healthy emotional requests as needy, or
May’s tears were gone. May had seized on the only sentence she needed to hear, even as weakness on his part.
“Of course I love you as much as ever…” The rest of his words were lost on her. No matter how compatible May and Marcel are or how much
Already she seemed to be thinking about something else. they love each other, their relationship is at risk for growing more
“Well, Marcel, honestly. We love each other, and that’s what matters, troubled over time. Marcel may grow tired of knocking on May’s
right? I mean, I think you’re probably being over-sensitive about something “wall,” and angry at what seems like her refusal to allow him in. Feeling
or other. Seriously, I wish you’d just relax and be happy.” more and more alone in the relationship, he may eventually begin to
Marcel looked at May, fully aware that he had already lost her concern feel hopeless.
and interest. Helplessly he searched for words to try to explain to her that this Or, in a different possible outcome, May could grow annoyed and
was a serious problem, and that he needed her to try to understand. smothered by Marcel and his needs. Lacking the emotion skills to put
But feeling frustrated, hurt and angry, no words came. any of these problems into words and work them through, dissent, hurt
Fast forward to Marcel driving home in his car the following evening. and pain can accrue through the years on both sides, and slowly erode the
“Am I crazy?” he wondered to himself. “Is it me or is it her? She’s right couple’s positive connection. Eventually, one day they might sadly realize
that we love each other, but is that really enough? I know there’s supposed to that they no longer like each other very much.
be more to a marriage. Why doesn’t she feel what’s missing the way I do? What Fortunately there is a bright side to the single-CEN relationship.
can I say to explain this to her? How can I get her to talk to me?” Marcel knows that there is something missing, so this couple has a huge
advantage over many others. May’s CEN is not her choice or fault, and
The portrait above illustrates how it feels for a person without CEN Marcel senses this. He can see that May is a good person who is trying, and
(Marcel) to be married to someone who has it. Only Marcel realizes that that she loves him. And everything that is missing in this relationship is
something is wrong. He grew up in a world colored by emotion, and now possible to attain. All of these factors will play a tremendously important
is experiencing his home life in May’s CEN style: grayscale. role in their future recovery.
6 | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE THE CEN RELATiONSHiP: A PORTRAiT | 7

Now let’s continue on to a vignette describing a relationship in which “No reason,” Olive replies, relieved to hear him say it was fine. Do you
both partners grew up with CEN, as they grapple with the invisible issue want to watch the next episode of Game of Thrones while we eat?”
that they cannot identify or name. The TV goes on and they eat dinner in silence, each absorbed in the show.

When both Partners Have CEN The double CEN couple seems much like every other couple
in many ways. And yet they are very, very different. This type of
Olive and Oscar relationship is riddled with incorrect assumptions and false readings.
Olive and Oscar sit across the table from each other, quietly having their And unfortunately neither partner has the communication skills to
Sunday morning breakfast. check with the other to actually find out what he is thinking or feeling,
“Is there any more coffee?” Olive asks absentmindedly while reading the or why she does what she does.
day’s news on her laptop. Irritated, Oscar stands up abruptly and walks over
to the coffee-maker to check.
“Why does she always ask me? She’s so manipulative. She just doesn’t
want to have to walk over to the coffee-maker herself,” he cranks inwardly.
Returning to the table with the pot, Oscar fills Olive’s cup. Placing the empty
carafe on the table with a slight bit of excessive force, Oscar sits back in his
chair with a sigh and an angry glance at Olive’s still-bowed head.
Olive, sensing something amiss from the placement of the carafe and the
sigh, quickly looks up. Seeing Oscar already absorbed in his newspaper, she
looks back down at her laptop but has difficulty focusing on her reading.
“I wonder what’s going on with Oscar,” she muses. “He seems so irritable
lately. I wonder if his work stress is coming back. It must be his job pressure
getting to him again.”
After thinking it through, Olive makes a plan to avoid Oscar for the day
in hopes that giving him some alone time will help his mood improve (with
the added bonus that she won’t have to be around him). Olive makes a plan
to ask him about work at dinnertime to see if he is indeed under stress.
Later that evening Olive returns from her errands and finds that Oscar
has made dinner for the both of them. Sitting down to eat, Oscar seems to be
in a better mood. Since neither partner knows how to talk about the frustrations and
After a brief exchange about Olive’s errands, she asks, “So how are things conflicts that naturally arise (as they do in every relationship), very little
at work?” gets addressed and worked out. This is a set-up for passive-aggressive
Looking at Olive quizzically, Oscar answers, “Fine, why do you ask?” retaliations that eat away at the warmth and caring in the marriage,
8 | RUNNING ON EMPTY NO MORE

outside of both partners’ awareness. Small, indirect actions like carafe-

slamming, avoidance, ignoring and forgetting can become the primary
means of coping and communicating in the relationship. None of them
are effective. Chapter 2
In the scenario above Oscar misinterprets Olive’s thoughtless
absorption in her reading as “manipulative,” and Olive misinterprets DID CEN AFFECT YOUR
Oscar’s irritation with her as the possible result of job stress. Instead of
dealing with these issues directly in the moment, Olive chooses avoidance
CHOICE OF PARTNER?
for the day. Her question to Oscar that evening at dinner is too simple
and off-target to yield any useful information. She is left with a false sense
of reassurance that Oscar’s mood magically improved, and that nothing
was really wrong in the first place.
So forward they go, into the coming weeks, months and years, with It would be so much easier if your empty space would
Oscar viewing Olive as lazy and manipulative, and Olive on constant simply sit there, inert. But emptiness does not do so.
guard against a return of Oscar’s job stress. Drastically out of tune with
one another, they live in separate worlds, growing ever distant from Many factors influence how we choose our spouses. For example, where
each other. we live, our career, interests, hobbies and religion all have a great impact
Olive and Oscar sometimes feel more alone when they are together upon who we are likely to meet, thereby determining the pool of potential
than they do when they are apart. They are divided by a chasm as wide as candidates to choose from.
the ocean. They each sense that something important is wrong, but sadly, Your childhood experience plays an important role as well. Childhood
neither can consciously describe or name it. Emotional Neglect leaves its footprint on you. That footprint affects
Fortunately for Olive and Oscar, they actually have loads of potential. every decision you will make in your life, including who you choose to
They each have plenty of feelings; they are simply not aware of those spend your life with.
feelings or able to use them in a healthy, relationship-enriching way. At
the heart of their marriage is companionship, history, concern and love. five Ways CEN Can Affect Your Choice of Partner
All that is really missing from their marriage is awareness and skills, both
of which can be learned. There is a good chance that one day, one of them 1. You naturally seek out the kind of love you received from
will “wake up” emotionally, and knock on the other’s wall. your parents in childhood.
As you read on you will see that is exactly what happened. A child’s first and primary experience of love is in his relationship
with his parents. Your parents’ own personal style of love becomes
internalized by you while they are raising you. Your parents’ love,
no matter its quality or completeness, fuses with your brain and