GE UNIT2 Understanding love

Love has always fascinated people, and today, more than ever before, it plays a central role
in our lives. People constantly search for love, talk about it, and even dream about finding
their "soulmate" or "living happily ever after." But why is love so important? Studies show
that love and positive relationships are some of the biggest factors that lead to happiness
and satisfaction in life. Love also protects us from stress and helps us stay healthy. In short,
romantic love plays a major role in both mental and physical well-being. This chapter
explores what love is, how it works in our bodies, and why it’s so important.

Evolution and Love

From an evolutionary point of view, love helps us survive. As humans, we are social animals
and need others to live happy and stable lives. Love helps us form strong bonds, especially
with our families and children. These bonds make us want to protect and care for our loved
ones, even when it’s hard. But this scientific view doesn't fully explain the deep feelings
people experience in romantic love—the kind that inspires poetry, movies, and promises like
“till death do us part.” The emotional side of love goes beyond just biology.

The Biochemistry of Love

When we feel emotions like love, our body changes chemically. One important hormone in
love is oxytocin, often called the “cuddle hormone” or “molecule of love.” Oxytocin helps us
bond with others, feel close, and act generously. It is released during affectionate moments,
like hugging or breastfeeding. Studies show that oxytocin helps mothers feel calm and happy
when feeding their babies. In one study, when fathers were given oxytocin, they showed
stronger bonds with their babies. Oxytocin can also reduce stress and anxiety and make
people more social. Some people even feel more spiritual because of oxytocin, depending
on their genes. Another group of chemicals called endogenous opioids also helps us form
social bonds and reduces stress.

The "Tend-and-Befriend" Response

Psychologist Shelly Taylor and her team found that, under stress, female mice protected
their babies instead of running away. This was different from the usual “fight-or-flight”
reaction to danger. They called this the “tend-and-befriend” response and linked it to
oxytocin. This shows how love and bonding behaviour can help during stressful times.

Cautions About Oxytocin

Even though oxytocin is linked to love and bonding, it’s not the only chemical involved, and it
doesn’t explain everything. Love is very complex, and no single hormone can explain all the
feelings that come with it. Also, oxytocin isn’t always positive—it can also cause feelings like
jealousy, envy, or even bias toward others. So, while oxytocin and opioids are important,
there’s still a lot we don’t know about the chemistry of love.

Love vs. Lust in the Brain

Scientists have also found that love and lust affect different parts of the brain. In one study,
people were shown pictures while their brain activity was recorded using fMRI scans. When
they looked at pictures of someone they loved, the right side of the brain became active. But
when they looked at attractive strangers, the left side of the brain lit up. This shows that love
and lust are different experiences—even our brains respond to them differently.

The Varieties of Love

Love is very important for our emotional well-being, but surprisingly, it hasn’t been studied
as deeply as other topics. Most research focuses more on what makes people satisfied in
their relationships and what helps relationships last. Still, there are some helpful theories
about different kinds of love that help us understand this powerful and sometimes confusing
emotion.

Explicit and Implicit Theories of Love

Michael Barnes and Robert Sternberg (1997) divided theories of love into two types: explicit
and implicit. Explicit theories break down love into its main parts. Some theories, like
Sigmund Freud's, see love as a single, unified feeling that includes many behaviours,
thoughts, and emotions. According to this view, love is one experience that comes in many
forms. Trying to break it down too much may take away from its true meaning. But most
researchers believe that love has many dimensions, not just one.

A Two-Factor Theory of Love

One popular theory says there are two main types of love: passionate love and
companionate love. Passionate love is intense and filled with desire and longing. It can feel
amazing when it’s returned, but painful when it’s not. Companionate love is calmer. It is
based on closeness, friendship, and long-term commitment. According to researcher
Hatfield (1988), passionate love can grow stronger during both happy and sad times, while
companionate love grows mostly during positive experiences.
Love Styles Theory

Six Love Styles

Susan and Clyde Hendrick built on John Alan Lee’s work and described six different love
styles, showing that love can look and feel very different for different people.

1.

Eros (Passionate Love)

This is intense, romantic, and emotional love. You feel drawn to your partner and want their
full attention. You might even feel pain when you’re apart from them. Eros is what many
people think of when they imagine being “in love.” Even though not all married couples
experience eros, research shows that it is a strong predictor of happiness in marriage for
both men and women.

2.

Storge (Companionate Love)

This style is warm and affectionate. It feels like friendship and is based on closeness and
emotional connection. It is similar to companionate love and is linked with long-term
relationships.

3.

Ludus (Game-Playing Love)

In this style, love is treated like a game. People with this style may enjoy dating multiple
partners or making their partner jealous. They see relationships as fun, not serious.

4.

Pragma (Practical Love)

This love is based on logic and practicality. People with this style look for a partner who
meets certain conditions, like wealth, status, or shared goals. It’s more about finding a “good
match” than falling deeply in love.

5.

Mania (Obsessive Love)

This is intense and emotional like eros, but often painful. People with this style may have
dramatic ups and downs in their relationships. Love feels chaotic, with lots of emotional
highs and lows.

6.

Agape (Selfless Love)

This is a giving, unconditional love. People with this style care deeply for others and expect
nothing in return. It is focused on compassion and helping the other person, even without a
deep romantic connection.

Love Styles and Relationship Satisfaction

The Hendricks studied 57 dating couples and looked at how their love styles affected their
happiness and the stability of their relationships. They found that partners with similar love
styles (especially eros) were more satisfied and more likely to stay together. Also, eros was
the strongest predictor of relationship satisfaction for both men and women.

However, some love styles hurt relationships. For example, when women had a ludus style,
their male partners were less satisfied. When men had a mania style, their female partners
were less satisfied. The researchers also found that a woman's love style mattered more for
her partner’s satisfaction than the man’s did. Women who showed more eros (passion) and
agape (selfless love) made their male partners feel more satisfied in the relationship.

Sternberg’s Love Triangle

Psychologist Robert Sternberg developed a triangular theory of love. He said that love has
three basic parts:

1.

Passion – the strong emotional and physical attraction to someone (like romantic desire).

2.

Intimacy – feeling close, connected, and emotionally bonded.

3.

Commitment – deciding to stay with someone and maintain the relationship.

These three parts can combine in different ways to form different types of love:

Romantic Love = Intimacy + Passion

Companionate Love = Intimacy + Commitment

Fatuous Love = Passion + Commitment

•

Consummate Love = All three (Passion + Intimacy + Commitment) – this is seen as the "ideal"
love most people want.

Sternberg believed that these parts of love change over time. Passion is usually strong at the
beginning but may fade. Intimacy grows slowly and can increase with time. Commitment
may start low and grow stronger over time. Interestingly, even older couples can still
experience passion and intimacy, and consummate love may actually become more common
in long-lasting relationships.

Love as a Prototype or an Ideal

This view says that love is a personal experience and that everyone has their own idea of
what love should look like, often based on cultural expectations. People compare their real
relationships to this “ideal” version of love.

Even though most people agree that intimacy, passion, and commitment are the main parts
of love (just like Sternberg’s model), each person has a different idea of how much of each
part they want or need. So, while two people might both say they’re "in love," their personal
experiences of that love can still be very different.

The Love Hierarchy

To better organize the different meanings of love, Barnes and Sternberg created a hierarchy
with three levels:

1. The Lowest Level – 8 Relationship Traits

These are qualities that people value in a relationship:

Trust

Sincerity

Mutual Understanding

Compatibility

•
Fulfillment

Sexuality

Intimacy

Mutual Needs

2. The Middle Level – Two Main Factors

They grouped the traits into two main areas:

Compatibility (Warm Love) – made up of trust, sincerity, understanding, fulfillment, and

compatibility.

Passion (Hot Love) – includes sexuality, intimacy, and mutual needs.

3. The Top Level – Love

All these qualities combine into the highest level, which is simply called "love." This model
shows that people may use the word “love” in different ways, depending on which traits
matter most to them.

Love 2.0 – Barbara Fredrickson’s View

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson has a modern view of love, which she calls "Love 2.0." She
says love is essential to our physical and emotional health, just like food or oxygen.
According to her, even small moments of connection with others can have a big impact on
our body’s chemistry, our cells, and even how our DNA is expressed.

She defines love as a “momentary connection” made up of:

1.

Sharing positive emotions

2.

Syncing behaviour and body chemistry

3.
A mutual desire to care for each other

Fredrickson calls these small connections "micromoments of love." During these moments,
people release the same "love hormones" like oxytocin at the same time.

Conditions for Love to Happen

Safety – we need to feel safe.

Real-Time Sensory Connection – love happens in person (face-to-face), not through texting
or email. Eye contact, laughter, touch, and talking help build this connection.

She says love happens in everyday life, not just in big romantic gestures. People can feel love
with friends, not just romantic partners. The only difference is how often it happens. This
idea challenges the myth that love is always a huge, dramatic emotion. Instead, Fredrickson
believes we should pay attention to the small, meaningful moments of connection that
happen daily.

Finding Romance and Love

What Attracts People to Each Other?

Several things make people feel attracted to someone, including:

1.

Proximity – Being physically near someone helps build connection. Spending time together
gives people the chance to get to know each other.

2.

Physical Attractiveness – While not the most important factor, physical appearance plays a
role in initial attraction. Studies show that physical attraction is linked with feelings of
intimacy, passion, and commitment, especially in stable relationships.

For men, their wife’s attractiveness was linked to marital satisfaction.

Wearing red clothing has been shown to increase sexual attractiveness.

Interracial couples often rate each other as more attractive than same-race couples.
•

Cultural differences affect what people consider attractive (e.g., smiling is seen as more
attractive in the U.S. than in Japan).

3.

Similarity of Attitudes and Values (Homogamy) – People are more likely to be happy with
someone who shares their interests, beliefs, and values. Research shows that opposites do
not attract; in fact, similarity is a strong predictor of relationship satisfaction.

Similar values and life goals help maintain relationships over time.

At the start of a relationship, similar attitudes matter most.

Later on, similar personalities become more important.

4.

Reciprocity (Mutual Liking) – We are drawn to people who like us. When someone shows
they value us, we are more likely to open up and share our feelings. This back-and-forth of
emotional sharing builds trust and closeness.