The Pagan In Recovery

The Twelve Steps From A

Pagan Perspective

Deirdre A. Hebert
 The Pagan
In Recovery
Twelve Steps From A
Pagan Perspective

Deirdre A. Hebert

Hubbardston, Massachusetts
 Asphodel Press
12 Simond Hill Road
Hubbardston, MA 01452

The Pagan In Recovery: The Twelve Steps From

A Pagan Perspective
© 2011 by Deirdre A. Hebert
ISBN 978-0-9825798-6-2

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are reprinted and adapted with
permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (“AAWS”)
Permission to adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that AAWS has reviewed
or approved the contents of this publication, or that AAWS necessarily agrees
with the views expressed herein. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism
only - use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities
which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, or in any
other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise.

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole

or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,
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and retrieval system without written permission from the author,
except for short quotes to be used in literary reviews or educational
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Acknowledgements

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all those who helped me

achieve sobriety in my own life. There were so many people who
taught me that I was deserving of a life that is second to none, even
when I couldn‟t believe it myself. I learned that I could be trusted,
and trustworthy. I learned that I had something to offer. They
believed in me when I couldn‟t. I know that I can‟t remember all of
their names, but I especially want to thank Laura, Cathy, Rene,
Steve, Bruce, Bob, Erica, Mary, Nancy, Randy, Pat and Rick.
A huge debt of gratitude is owed to Julia Passamonti-
Colamartino, for years of encouragement, and especially for taking
a rough sketch and turning it into the beautiful emblem on the
cover of this book. She is a brilliant artist, and you can find more
of her work at her web site: http://www.venetiancat.com.
I also owe a debt of gratitude to the artist‟s community at One
Washington Center in Dover, NH where I have my studio. This
amazing group of people continued to urge me on as I worked on
this book. They gave me encouragement and support throughout
the project. Many thanks to Amanda, Rebecca, Rachel, Aaron, Beth,
Ann and all the rest of that marvelous community. Rebecca
Proctor, in particular has been amazingly encouraging. She owns
RSP Studio and framed the cover of this book for me. She can be
found at http://rspstudiocustomframing.com/
Many thanks to Alix Joyal for taking my photograph for the
back cover. Alix is a talented artist who creates amazing quilts. You
can find her work at http://www.mamakamills.com.
Lastly, but certainly not least, I must thank the Pagan
community in both the New Hampshire area and beyond. It‟s you
who let me realize when I first had the idea to write this book, that
it was truly needed. Again, there are a great many people to thank,
and not enough space to do so. But chief among these are my
teacher, Priscilla, and those who have supported this effort: Kitty,
Meical, Julia, Dino, Dawn, Amanda, Fae and so many others.
I apologize to anyone I might have forgot to name specifically
– this was merely the failing of a very human person.
Contents
Foreword ....................................................................................... 1
Introduction .................................................................................. 3

The Twelve Steps ....................................................................... 7

Step 1 ..........................................................................................12
Step 1 Practical Application .................................................20
Step 1 Ritual........................................................................21
Step 2 ..........................................................................................23
Step 2 Practical Application .................................................28
Step 2 Ritual........................................................................30
Step 3 ..........................................................................................32
Step 3 Practical Application .................................................38
Step 3 Ritual........................................................................40
Step 4 ..........................................................................................41
Step 4 Practical Applications ...............................................46
Step 4 Ritual........................................................................48
Step 5 ..........................................................................................51
Step 5 Practical Application .................................................56
Step 5 Ritual........................................................................58
Step 6 ..........................................................................................60
Step 6 Practical Application .................................................63
Step 6 Ritual........................................................................65
Step 7 ..........................................................................................68
Step 7 Practical Application .................................................70
Step 7 Ritual........................................................................71
Step 8 ..........................................................................................74
Step 8 Practical Application .................................................77
Step 8 Ritual........................................................................78
Step 9 ..........................................................................................80
Step 9 Practical Application .................................................84
 Step 9 Ritual........................................................................86
Step 10 ........................................................................................88
Step 10 Practical Application ...............................................90
Step 10 Ritual ......................................................................93
Step 11 ........................................................................................95
Step 11 Practical Application ...............................................98
Step 11 Ritual .................................................................... 101
Step 12 ...................................................................................... 104
Step 12 Practical Application ............................................. 107
Step 12 Ritual .................................................................... 109
Appendix I: The Author’s Story.................................................... 110
Appendix II: Twelve Step Programs ............................................. 116
Alcoholics Anonymous ...................................................... 118
Al-Anon/Alateen............................................................... 119
Cocaine Anonymous .......................................................... 119
Crystal Meth Anonymous.................................................. 120
Debtors Anonymous.......................................................... 120
COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) .............................. 121
Emotions Anonymous ....................................................... 121
Families Anonymous ......................................................... 122
Food Addicts In Recovery Anonymous ............................. 122
Gamblers Anonymous ....................................................... 123
Narcotics Anonymous........................................................ 123
OLGA – OLG-Anon ........................................................ 124
Overeaters Anonymous ...................................................... 124
Pills Anonymous ............................................................... 125
Sexaholics Anonymous ...................................................... 125
Self-Mutilators Anonymous .............................................. 126
Social Phobics Anonymous ................................................ 126
Pagans In Recovery ............................................................ 126
Bibliography................................................................................ 127
Contacting the Author ................................................................. 128
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 1
Foreword

This book is a guide to the Twelve Steps for Pagans. It is not

specific to any Twelve-Step program and is in no way designed to
compete with or replace any of them. Rather, it is meant to be used
in conjunction with whatever Twelve Step program that the reader
is involved in. It may be used for retreats by those who are working
such a program, or it may be used by those who do not have a
problem with addiction, as a basis for a truly unique spiritual
experience.
This book was written to fill what I see is a major void in
Pagan literature. While there are a number of self-help books for
Pagans – some even dealing with addiction and recovery (notably
among these is The Recovery Spiral by Cynthia Jane Collins), I was
not able to find a single book dealing with Twelve Step programs
from a Pagan perspective. I feel this is a major omission and I hope
that the current volume at least begins to fill that void.
To understand the language in this text, please note that I was
trained as a Wiccan for a number of years, and have studied other
forms of Paganism – some formally, others informally. I do not
identify myself as adhering to any specific Pagan tradition, though
my first teacher tends to think of me as much more a Druid than a
Wiccan these days. The reason this is important is because it may
help the reader understand my choice of words through the text.
While some are looking for an explanation of the Twelve Steps that
avoid Christian ideas, others may think that the text may be “too
Wiccan” or that it may more suited to those who identify as
nonspecific Neo-Pagan rather than Hellenics, Norse Heathens, or
other more specific groups. I have tried to be inclusive, but this is a
difficult task, and I suspect that no one reading this with a critical
eye and seeking to have a particular spiritual path uniquely affirmed
will come away completely satisfied. Please keep in mind that this
book is not written with any single or particular Pagan view in
mind.
The language in the text may include more Wiccan ideas than,
say, Druid or Heathen or Thelemic – the truth is that there are
more Wiccans in the world, but hopefully practitioners of other
Pagan faiths will recognize the references and the meanings. My
job as an author is to present this information to the widest
audience possible, and references that are known to many are likely
going to resonate with a wider group of people. At the same time, I
have used references from a variety of sources, and it is my hope
that in the understanding of each other, we may come together to
2 DEIRDRE HEBERT
help those of us in need of healing from addiction or other
problems to work together and find the healing we seek.
In my own experience I have found the Twelve Steps to afford
one of the most profound spiritual experiences of my life. It‟s been
suggested that all forms of addiction have, at their root, some
search for or yearning for a spiritual experience. Our first
experience with a substance seems, for a moment, to offer a
glimpse of that experience, but each attempt to repeat or rediscover
that fleeting feeling via that substance or activity leaves us further
frustrated. For some people, an obsessive tendency follows, and
they are unable to let go or disentangle from that cycle of using,
and an inevitable emotional let-down follows.
At times, this spiritual, physical and emotional disorder can
take on such proportions that it leads to legal problems such as
OUI charges, loss of driving privileges, or even jail time. It can
result in suicide – or worse, the knowledge that while under the
influence, we may have taken the life of another person, perhaps
while driving and intoxicated. We may lose friends and family
because our behavior becomes so erratic and unpredictable that
they can no longer live with or even be around us. Whatever the
progression of this disease, it leaves the afflicted alone and empty.
It is at this point though, where a person is now able to seek in
earnest that which will truly fulfill them.
In working through our problems with the Twelve Steps, we
are engaged in a journey of self-discovery that quite strangely takes
us toward what we were seeking when we first took up whatever
substance or activity it is that we used. It‟s an irony that we find,
emerging from the jungle of addiction, exactly what it was that led
us into a dark and potentially deadly wilderness in the first place.

DEIRDRE A. HEBERT
FEBRUARY, 2010
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 3
Introduction

At the beginning, let me be clear: this book is not about an

easy way to break the cycle of addiction. There is no simple spell
which one can recite which will render one cured from an
addiction to alcohol, smoking or any other substance or habit that
has taken over our lives. Many people have the mistaken notion
that magick is about reciting some simple incantation and
somehow, mysteriously, what we hope for comes to pass. In fact,
many spells can take days, months or even years to cast. After
casting the spell, or rather after performing the ritual portion of the
spell, work – and a great deal of it – may still be required. You‟ll
find no easy answers between the covers of this book.
Recovery from addictions is a major work, and if we‟re going
to cure it using magick, it will require an especially potent form of
magick. I found that that this magick already exists, and it‟s in a
program called the Twelve Steps. Some might argue with me that
this program is not magick; I disagree. Aleister Crowley stated that
Magick is the art and science of causing change in conformity with
will. If this definition is true, then the program of recovery of the
Twelve Steps is magick of the highest order, because it is able to
effect change in our very wills, enabling us to regain mastery of
them, rather than having them blown and tossed by the whims and
caprice of our environments and those around us. Crowley further
stated that “Every intentional act is a magickal act.” (Crowley,
Thelema) The Twelve Steps give us back our own intention – that
part of our self which, wittingly or unwittingly, we had abandoned.
The Twelve Steps comprise a spiritual program that allow the
practitioner to bring about sobriety and serenity in those who,
previously finding neither, sought refuge in a bottle, a pill, a needle
or virtually any other substance or habit which held out the
slightest promise of bringing relief, or filling some unknown void
which perpetually hounded them. Each of us who became addicted
was blinded to the truth that we were looking for something which
is unattainable unless we find it first in ourselves.
Ever since Bill W. and Dr. Bob penned the text of Alcoholics
Anonymous and its companion, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,
alcoholics worldwide have been able to find relief from the
paralyzing and ultimately terminal disease of alcoholism. They have
found a way to break the destructive pattern the disease imposes,
and to live their lives with renewed enthusiasm and vigor. They
have found their character, their relationships and their spirituality
restored. So successful has this program been that its principles
were adopted for use by those with other crippling addictions
4 DEIRDRE HEBERT
including narcotics, pills, smoking, sex, gambling, eating disorders,
and just about any other behavior that becomes compulsive.
Success in these areas has been encouragement to attempt the use
of these principles in areas beside addiction; people are successfully
implementing the principles of the Twelve Steps for problems such
as certain mental illnesses. While not affording a cure from chronic
disorders, the steps enable those who suffer from such conditions
as depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and
other conditions, to live their lives more fully and successfully.
The heart of the Twelve Steps is a spiritual program that
permits the individual – indeed, requires the individual – to develop
a deeper connection to Deity; to “God as we understood him”, as
the book Alcoholics Anonymous words it. Bill W and Dr. Bob were
Christians (although it‟s been documented that Bill W. did at least
dabble or experiment in spiritualism and the occult), and the
program they devised was heavily influenced by their Christianity.
While the program is incredibly effective, the Christian language of
the texts used by Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve Step
programs can make them daunting for those who follow a religion
which has historically been at odds with Christianity.
While many Pagans might recall the burning times, and the real
animosity that some Christians and Pagans have toward each other,
the differences lie far deeper than the mere antagonism that has
existed between the two faith traditions. Perhaps the major
stumbling blocks for the Pagan seeking relief through the Twelve
Steps are the paradigmatic differences between Christianity and
Paganism. Christianity views the world as separate from God, a
mere creation of God. It views God as a single being who is distant
from us, unknowable and incomprehensible. Paganism views Deity
as deeply connected to the world; beings who can be approached
by the lay person without the intervention of a special priestly class.
Indeed, through drawing down or through other rituals, we can
connect to deity on a deep and intimate level without the need for
priests or ministers to speak to the Divine or our behalf, or to us
on behalf of the Gods. In Paganism, we can all be in direct
communion with deity.
These differences do not suggest or indicate a weakness in the
spiritual program of the Twelve Steps when used by Pagans. Rather,
they point to the fact that the world has changed dramatically in the
past 75 years, and these texts weren‟t written to communicate this
program to those who do not share the fundamental belief system
of the Christian tradition – that is, to religions that most, then, did
not even know existed. Those who are in the business of
translating books or poetry from one language to another know
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 5
that the translation process must be done on multiple levels. The
first level is that of language, of simply stating the meanings of the
various words, sentences and verses in another language – for
example, to translate maison rouge in French to “red house” in
English. But beyond the simple exchange of words or meanings is
a second level of translation, a level of culture. The maison rouge, or
red house, may today correspond to the Red Tent movement of
women. People of different cultures may not only speak a different
language, but will also view the world differently. They may interact
with the world and with each other in a fashion that would not be
understood by others. Such is the difference between Christians
and Pagans. It‟s not merely a difference of one God vs. many, but a
completely different way of relating to deity and to the world.
The power contained within the program of the Twelve Steps
is undeniable, as the millions who have recovered from their
various addictions will attest. Anyone who diligently and honestly
works them will attain some form of recovery. The purpose of this
text is not to change these steps, but to make them available to
those who view them through the eyes of a Pagan. In this book
we‟ll open up these steps and demonstrate that the spiritual
principles contained within them transcend any single religious
paradigm. We‟ll show that “God, as we understood him” was truly
meant to be far more inclusive than even those who penned the
words in the first place may have imagined. We‟ll show that the
only barrier to achieving the miracles offered to the sick and
suffering is their ability to understand the steps and to believe that
they do apply to each of us, no matter what religious tradition we
may follow. The reader will begin to recognize that anyone who is
willing to look beyond the language of the original Twelve Steps
can bridge the gaps of culture and language, and can achieve
freedom from addiction and compulsive behavior.
These steps have worked such magick in people‟s lives that
those who have achieved not only sobriety but an entirely new way
of life through them have often wondered what the world would
be like if everyone lived by these principles. I have heard ministers
base sermons on the Twelve Steps, hoping that their congregations
would embrace them. Some supervisors have tried to use the
principles they contain in their workplace. I‟m not sure though,
that the Twelve Steps will gain widespread public acceptance ...
they don‟t have the glitter of pop-psychology, and the average
person is missing one thing that the addict, alcoholic and
compulsive possesses: the addict, the alcoholic, and the compulsive
are desperate. For the average person, a failure to achieve a spiritual
awakening means nothing but a failure to achieve a spiritual
6 DEIRDRE HEBERT
awakening. For the addict, alcoholic, or compulsive, failure to
overcome their addictions can literally mean the difference between
life and death, or at least the difference between a pleasant or an
intolerable life. For such as us, success is not an option; it‟s not
marked by merely feeling better after trying some techniques we
discover in a workbook. Rather, quite literally, it means that we
may live to tell the tale instead of being found dead behind a
dumpster. Those of us who survive, who achieve the sobriety and
the way of life promised in these steps have also the unfortunate
duty of bidding farewell to those who don‟t make it. It is my
sincere hope that you who read this book and practice the
principles in it are among those who survive.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 7
The Twelve Steps

The Twelve Steps, in their original form from the book

Alcoholics Anonymous, are outlined in Chapter 5. They are the
essence of what is contained in the first 164 pages of that same
book. The remaining pages of the text of Alcoholics Anonymous
contain personal stories chosen to be representative of those who
suffer from alcoholism in order to demonstrate to those
contemplating the need for such a program in their lives what a
“real alcoholic” looks like.
With the success of the program, Dr. Bob and Bill W. created a
second text book called Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. The
first part of this book showed the individuals who chose to work
through these steps exactly how to do so. Combined with the book
Alcoholics Anonymous, anyone who needed it had access to a
complete program of recovery from alcoholism. It was these two
books which paved the way for all the other Twelve Step-based
programs of recovery that have become popular over the years.
Even early on, the success of this program was noteworthy and
inspiring. Wives, physicians and clergy would send previously
helpless cases to Alcoholics Anonymous because it had helped so
many others. Soon it was realized that it wasn‟t only the low-
bottom, hopeless, alcoholic man in need of this help, and many
wives, physicians and clergy soon joined the ranks of those whose
lives were saved by this program of recovery. It was discovered
that long before the alcoholic reached the streets and the gutters,
their problem was evident, and people began seeking help long
before things got that bad. Then the program spread to other
problems, and the Twelve Steps are now virtually everywhere.
The Twelve Steps accomplish a number of goals that are
important to any Pagan practitioner:

1. They are a system for gaining or increasing self-

knowledge. We‟re all familiar with the words of the Oracle at
Delphi: Know Thyself. We‟re equally familiar with the words of
Socrates who said “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Those who do not engage in a process of self examination will
never learn from their mistakes. Such people are little more than
automatons or animals running on instinct alone. However good
and sincere their hearts, they cannot learn or grow to a degree
which leads to true empowerment. It is the process of self-appraisal
that permits us to understand how what we‟ve done will affect us
in the future. It permits us to look ahead when making a decision,
and with some accuracy, to determine if that action is indeed worth
8 DEIRDRE HEBERT
the consequences. It helps us understand our reasons, our
motivation, our true and highest will.

2. They are a code of conduct. As Pagans, we know that we

are responsible for our actions. We have no God to whom we must
go for absolution of sins, no being who will wash us clean of our
misdeeds. The saying “It‟s better to do what you want and then ask
forgiveness later” simply doesn‟t apply in the Pagan world. All
accounts must be settled. The Twelve Steps teach us to make
amends for our wrongs, to stand up and take responsibility,
whatever the consequences, for what we‟ve done and offer us a
system to do so.

3. They teach us that with faith, we’re far stronger than we

would be without it. They show us that faith isn‟t so much a
crutch as it is a walking stick. It is a tool which may not be needed
all the time, but it certainly makes things easier when we have it.
And when we do need it, it‟s right at hand. A crutch implies a
broken person. A walking stick implies one who is not afraid of
adventure. A crutch imposes, by its nature, limitations upon that
broken individual. When we need crutches, we don‟t climb
mountains or go on long hikes in the wilderness. On the other
hand, with a walking stick in our hand, we are telling the world that
we are ready to experience the new and the wonderful.

4. They teach us that helping others is paramount to our

survival. In giving, we also receive. There is an old saying that goes
“You can‟t have your cake and eat it too.” One might also believe
that you can‟t have what you‟ve got and give it away too. But
strangely, this is not true. The truth is that to keep what you‟ve got,
you must give it away. As Pagans, we‟re often fond of the paradox,
and this is one of the truest of paradoxes. To keep our own
sobriety, we must offer it to others. To maintain our sanity, we
must show others the way to achieve it as well.

The Twelve Steps must be taken in the order presented. They

simply will not work otherwise. In Step 1, we admit that we have a
problem. If we never make such an admission, what is the point of
the following eleven? In Step 7, we ask our higher power to
remove or transform our shortcomings. If we don‟t know what
they are (Step 4), how will we know what to ask for? Furthermore,
how will we know if there is any success? In Step 9, we seek to
make amends with those we have harmed. Without a careful survey
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 9
of those we might have harmed (Step 8), how will we know to
whom we must make such amends?
Few programs devised by men or women have been both so
carefully thought out and yet so simple to perform. Usually we
meddle and tweak and hack and staple and cut and paste until
we‟ve created some behemoth that more resembles a bill in the
American Congress. It may have thousands of pages, and not a
single person will have read its entirety. Or it might resemble a pre-
flight checklist, where one may be insured a safe take-off, but there
is no supporting documentation to explain why each step is
necessary.
Unlike many other successful and important works, the
documentation provided with the Twelve Steps is thorough but not
overly verbose. It tells us “precisely how we have recovered”
(Alcoholics Anonymous – Foreword to the First Edition) without
being a daunting tome that only a professional can understand. It‟s
not simplistic like many of those “self-help” books, nor is it based
on pop psychology or fad science. It is simply a step-by-step
description of how the first few people who got together managed
to solve a problem that had been perplexing them and their
physicians for many years: how could they get sober, and having
gotten sober, how could they remain so?
In the following pages, we‟ll take a look at each of these steps.
We‟ll examine them from a Pagan perspective and see exactly how
they can help anyone who suffers from addiction, including us as
Pagans. We‟ll avoid monotheistic or specifically Christian language
except to point out that the original authors truly intended to make
these steps available to everyone. The steps, as we use them in this
book are as follows:
10 DEIRDRE HEBERT

The Twelve Steps

Step 1:
Admitted that we were powerless, and that our lives had
become unmanageable.
Step 2:
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could
restore us to sanity.
Step 3:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the
care of the Divine and our own highest self.
Step 4:
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5:
Admitted to Deity, to ourselves, and to another human
being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6:
Were entirely ready to have the Divine transform all these
defects of character.
Step 7:
Humbly asked the Divine to transform us.
Step 8:
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became
willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9:
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would bring harm to them or others.
Step 10:
Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were
wrong, promptly admitted it.
Step 11:
Sought through prayer, meditation and our craft to improve
our conscious contact with Deity, praying for knowledge and
understanding of our own highest will, the Divine plan, and the
power to carry that out.
Step 12:
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these
steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to live these
principles in all our affairs.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 11
In this text, I may include a number of personal examples and
anecdotes, mostly from my own experience, to show that anyone
with a sincere desire to achieve and maintain sobriety through the
use of these steps should be able to do so. The text of Alcoholics
Anonymous contains about 400 pages of personal stories, which
enable the reader to identify with the issues that caused so many
others to seek relief from alcoholism. Personal anecdotes from a
Pagan in recovery may help other Pagans to recognize exactly how
this program can be of help to them.
Many Pagans are used to performing acts of magic. The
Twelve Steps are something of an alchemical program, a work
designed to transform our very lives. With any magical work,
energy must be raised and directed. The practitioner must be
fearless, diligent, steadfast, and dedicated to the work. Anything
less might result in failure. For the alchemist or the ceremonialist,
failure can result in disaster. For the addict or alcoholic, failure
often leads to a few possible outcomes ... jails, institutions or death.
Recovery is a daunting journey and failure affords dire
consequences. Today, at least in the United States, institutions are
fewer than they were a century ago, so we can add a fourth
terminus for the addict ... the streets. For a time, I was among the
homeless, and I‟ve known many who live on the streets. One
whom I knew was found dead behind a dumpster, another at a
riverside, another alone in an apartment. This is not how our
journeys into the West were meant to be taken. If we work these
steps diligently, we‟ll live to take our final journey with boldness
and dignity.
Each step presented in this work consists of three major
sections. In the first section, we try to understand the meaning of
the step, its purpose and the principles behind it from a Pagan
perspective. This will give us an intellectual knowledge of the step.
In the second part, we look at the practical application of the step
in our daily lives. In the third part, we have a ritual that is designed
either to prepare us to perform that step as we are working through
them in our own program of recovery, or to actually accomplish
that step. Some of these steps are undeniably daunting, and at times,
some sort of preparation can help. You may use these rituals as
written, or, if you wish, you can modify them for your own
purpose. The point, the goal, is to offer real and tangible
experiences as the steps are completed.
12 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 1

Admitted that we were powerless, and that our lives

had become unmanageable.

The Foundation

This is the foundational step of the entire Twelve Step

program of recovery. Unless this step is accomplished, nothing that
is done afterward has much if any chance of success. It is also the
most difficult step to take, for as soon as we take it we have
acknowledged powerlessness and a lack of control – two things
which no one, seemingly, in their right mind would wish to do.
Why is it so crucial that we acknowledge that we are powerless and
out of control? Why is it that we must admit that we have hit
bottom? Why must we admit defeat prior to having any hope of
victory? This last question sounds almost self-contradictory.
Fortunately for us, nothing is farther from the truth.
The reason for all of this, for admitting powerlessness and a
lack of control, for hitting our bottom, and for admitting defeat is
simply because unless we do these things, we have no need for
recovery. One doesn‟t take insulin or chemotherapy until one
recognizes that they are diabetic or that they have cancer. Nobody
goes through a difficult and potentially painful form of therapy
unless they are first convinced that they have an illness that
requires these things. Until we are able to admit defeat, we may
well be under some illusion that we are still in control, that by some
act of sheer willpower, we might yet accomplish that which we‟ve
already proved unable to do.
As Pagans, we don‟t tend to view power as something that is
separate from us; we tend to know that we can find all the power
we need within us. This is a philosophy that is somewhat implicit in
the Charge of the Goddess. Doreen Valiente wrote: “... if that which
thou seekest, thou findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it
without.” How can it be that the power of deity resides within us,
yet we still remain powerless? The truth is, though, that this is only
an apparent paradox. We are powerless, not because we are
without power or ability, but because we have lost the means to put
the power within us to use. We are like the automobile with a
powerful engine which no longer has a working transmission.
While that engine runs beautifully, it has no way to transmit the
energy, the motivating force, to the wheels. Likewise, in us, the
power remains, but it is unusable because we have, wittingly or not,
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 13
abandoned the ability to access or utilize that power. Deity has not
abandoned us; we‟ve simply lost touch with the divine within us.

What is meant by “unmanageable”?

As for our lives becoming unmanageable, we need to come to

terms with this as well. This is likely as distasteful a term as
powerlessness. We may still be able to get to work each day – many
of us have high-paying jobs. How then, can we come to the
admission that our lives are unmanageable? What constitutes
“unmanageable”?
We may well have that high-paying job – but is there a chance
that whatever habit we have is keeping us from performing even
better, and thus preventing us from a promotion that we might
have otherwise attained? Our family life might not seem to be
suffering, but have we ever missed a sporting event that one of our
children wished us to see, simply because we were sporting a
hangover? We might think we‟re responsible, but does our partner
really trust us as they once did? The truth is that like an infection,
despite the fact that things appear manageable right now, they‟re
not going to get better unless we recognize the problem and take
action. Like an infection, the disease of addiction is out of control
the moment we have it – it is progressive and will have its way.
At the other end of the scale, things may still seem quite
manageable to us – we, as human beings, have a unique ability to
hide the truth from our selves. That same truth though, will likely
be quite visible to those around us. We may not have an address,
but we seemingly have freedom. We may not have a job, but
nobody is telling us what to do. We may have lost our license, but
we can still get around quite well, using bicycles, walking or with
public transportation. We might say that “we‟re helping the
environment” when the truth is that we simply have no choice.
Surely our drug deals provide us with enough left over to satisfy
ourselves. If things get really out of hand, we know a few people
who have some drugs that they certainly won‟t miss. As we go
down the scale, as the bottoms get deeper, we recognize that the
stores make lots of money ... they won‟t miss what we can slip in
our pockets. If things get really desperate, who cares if we rob a
store or snatch a purse? Certainly we‟re managing our situations!
Somehow, the lower we go, the better we are at rationalizing our
situation.
The truth is that none of this is freedom. Freedom is not
simply about not being locked up somewhere; it‟s not about being
in possession of the keys to the buildings we are currently housed
14 DEIRDRE HEBERT
in. Freedom is about being able to make our own choices. When
our lives are unmanageable, we are no longer making our own
choices. We‟re pretending – we‟re trying to fool ourselves because
it makes our situation more tolerable. When we‟re homeless, for
most of us who are addicts or alcoholics or compulsives, that isn‟t
a choice. It‟s because we‟ve been kicked out of the last place where
we lived, unwelcome to live with those who may still be our friends,
but can‟t bear to watch what we‟re doing with our lives.
Homelessness isn‟t freedom; it‟s something that is a direct result of
not being in control of our own lives.
At the time that I‟m writing this, joblessness is at a near record
high. But there is a qualitative difference between the merely
unemployed and the unemployed alcoholic or addict. The job
market is turning around, and for the “merely unemployed”, there
may be a light at the end of the tunnel. They may be retraining for
other positions as they become available, they may be touching up
their resumes. But for many alcoholics and addicts, a “job” consists
of something that will provide enough money to purchase the next
bottle or hit. The light at the end of the tunnel doesn‟t exist
because they may quite simply not even be able to recognize that
they exist within a tunnel. Some of those who are addicted aren‟t
even looking for that light. We remain in a constant state of denial
that tells us that nothing is really wrong, and if anything is, well, it is
certainly someone else‟s fault, and not up to us at all to fix. The
tunnel we‟re in seems safe, and we don‟t want to leave. But this
tunnel doesn‟t have room for both us and the train that‟s on its way
down the tracks.
As we progress down the scale, we might find ourselves
committing crimes in order to survive. We become filled with
resentment toward anyone who has more than us. The mere fact
that someone “has” while we “have not” is cause enough for us to
become angry. The cause becomes unimportant ... they “have”, we
“need”, so we take. Not all of us descend to the depths where we
will consciously steal the possessions of another, but in our
addictions, few of us have not done so on at least an unconscious
level. Many of us who might be professional sorts have padded
expense accounts to pay our drinking or sex or drug habits. Many
of us have lied to spouses about where money seems to disappear
to. Many of us have been inefficient at work, or outright drunk or
stoned while on the job, perhaps we called in sick, when we were
really hung-over or partying. All of this is a form of stealing.
It‟s interesting how many of us have said “this far, no farther”,
but then broken that promise. Young, we‟ll say “I‟ll never steal”,
but we hide what we‟re spending, then we borrow but forget to
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 15
repay. Perhaps we‟ll overextend ourselves with our credit cards.
Then we write a check that bounces. Each of these steps leads just
a bit further to outright robbery.
This behavior is mirrored in our abuse of substances. We
might start out drinking beer or smoking pot. We say that we‟ll stay
away from the “hard stuff”. But perhaps the disease progresses.
The next step on the ladder is never that far away. Having had our
share of beer, wine doesn‟t seem that bad. Drinking wine, brandy
doesn‟t seem that bad. Drinking brandy, whiskey is acceptable.
Smoking pot – what‟s hash but strong pot? Using hash regularly,
perhaps cocaine isn‟t that bad. If we snort coke, snorting heroin
mustn‟t be that bad.
Sooner or later, we find that the lines we said we would never
cross are far behind us. None of us, when we were young, would
ever admit that we would one day find ourselves throwing up in a
public park because we were drunk. None of us would have ever
dreamed that we would find ourselves with a needle in our arm.
None of us would have imagined that we would so pollute our
bodies with substances that others would need to take care of us
because we were no longer able to stand or walk under our own
power, that our livers would be visible through our distended
bellies, or that we would now walk around with yellow eyes and
skin and rotting teeth.
One of the questions that I‟ve been asked by some is “How do
I know that my life is unmanageable?” Not everyone has shot up.
Not everyone has had an OUI or lost their license. Not everyone
has been put in protective custody. So how can one know without
ambiguity that yes, indeed, a life is unmanageable? There have been
multiple self-help tests produced. Most of them have some
questions in common. Here is a list of questions to ponder:

 Have you ever put someone else‟s life in danger because you
were using substances? (Think before you answer this
question. Have you ever got behind the wheel of a car
knowing you were buzzed or high?)
 Have you ever placed your employment or education in
jeopardy because of your use of substances?
 Have you ever endangered your relationships because of
your use of substances?
 Have others been concerned about your use of substances
and brought it to your attention?
 Have you ever endangered your own health with substance
abuse?
16 DEIRDRE HEBERT

 Have you ever found yourself in situations you would not

have placed yourself in had you been sober?
 Have you ever blacked out when using substances (lost time,
found yourself waking in strange places, had people tell you
things you were involved in, but have no recollection of
doing so)?
 Have you found yourself unable to resist “just one more”?
 Have you found yourself using more than you intended?
 Has your use of substances interfered with your ability to
meet your financial obligations?
 Have you missed important family, social or work events
because of your substance use?
 Have you ever lost a place to live as a result of your
substance use?

If you can answer no to all of these questions, truthfully, then

perhaps you don‟t have a problem. But if you‟ve answered “yes” to
any of these, then there is a good chance that looking into the
situation further will be of real benefit to you. This doesn‟t mean
that you are an alcoholic or an addict – but it‟s worth checking out.
There is something interesting about recognizing that one is
somehow out of control. It only takes one chink in the armor, and
soon one finds that the level of control that we thought we had in
our lives was only illusory. When I first admitted that my life was
unmanageable, I had no OUI hanging over my head, I hadn‟t lost a
job as a result of substance abuse. I was certain that I could answer
each of the above questions in the negative. I was seeing a therapist
for an unrelated problem, and I thought she had quite a bit of gall
to suggest that I might have a problem. How dare she?
But some time passed, and I pondered her suggestion. I went
to a meeting and met people who I believed were far worse off
than I. I was feeling quite good about my situation and left. A few
months later, after a binge and an overdose, I awoke in intensive
care. I had been restrained because I was combative. My stomach
had been pumped, I had a catheter because I couldn‟t control my
bladder. I had been picked up by a friend, walking in the middle of
a major thoroughfare, disrupting traffic, and unaware of what I was
doing. It was only after this incident that I admitted to myself that I
had a real problem; that my life was unmanageable.
After making this admission, and after some time working
these steps, I began to realize that my level of control and my
ability to manage my own life was far less than what I had imagined.
I found that contrary to what I had first thought, I could answer
“yes” to nearly every question listed above. While I never got an
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 17
OUI, I certainly drove while high or intoxicated; I had certainly
endangered the lives of others. (I recall one perplexing morning
when I was removing leaves and branches from the side of my car,
wondering how they had got there.) I had never lost a job because
of drinking or using, but after the company which I had last
worked for failed, I didn‟t get another job. I “thought” I had never
damaged any relationships because of my substance use, but my
oldest daughter refused to speak with me for a number of years
because I was “crazy”. I thought I had never been homeless, but
my friend‟s mother‟s couch was by no means an address. The point
is that if we can honestly answer in the affirmative to any of these
questions, it‟s quite likely that we‟ve already gone much farther
down the scale than we have the immediate ability to see for
ourselves. If others are mentioning to us that we might have a
problem, the chance is that we do have a problem.
I‟m not suggesting at this stage that everyone who reads this
should jump up and say “I‟m Jane (or John or Sue or David) and
I‟m an addict or an alcoholic.” But certainly, if you‟ve got this book
in your hand and you‟re not reading it for professional reasons,
there‟s a good chance that you or someone close to you might
benefit from a good dose of introspection, and perhaps from
attending a Twelve Step meeting and asking someone how one can
know if they really need such a program.

Surrender

Some call this admission of powerlessness and the recognition

that our lives are unmanageable a surrender. Surrender is another
word that has a negative connotation to many. We are brought up
in a world where “retreat” and “surrender” imply defeat and
weakness. We are taught that with the power of the will, we ought
to be able to overcome our natures, and that only those who are
weak or lacking in fortitude and morals would ever become
addicted to a substance. People of good character simply don‟t find
themselves in such a situation. Certainly while there have been a
few prominent individuals who have been hospitalized because of
addictions, these are rare cases, and may be the result of the
combination of too much time on their hands along with too much
money. It‟s somewhat expected among rock stars, and certainly
they‟ll quit when they get older.
In our society, heavily influenced with Christian asceticism as it
is and with so many churches still preaching temperance, becoming
addicted is viewed as a moral issue. Whether we wish to admit it or
not, we‟ve likely been influenced with these views as well. Often we
18 DEIRDRE HEBERT
tend to believe that if anything is in control of us, then we are
morally deficient. We seek to gain control over that which has us in
its grip. We seek to break free from these talons with our own will-
power. Many of us, as Pagans, will try to work magic or seek divine
assistance through prayer, or to look for the answer in runes or the
Tarot. In each of these cases though, we‟re looking in the wrong
place simply because we are seeking a way to control that which is
ultimately beyond our control.
In the case of addiction, surrender doesn‟t imply that one
surrenders to the disease. Rather it is a surrender to the fact that we
have a problem. We surrender in the sense that we recognize that
there is no power which we can possibly muster under our own
efforts that will solve this problem. We surrender because we
recognize that in this situation, we are truly powerless. But in this
surrender resides a miracle, and as we work through the remaining
steps, that miracle will become more and more apparent. At the
moment, we feel beaten, but this needs to happen because it is our
starting point. It is the first clear marker or solid foothold that
we‟ve had, quite likely, in a number of years. Up to this point,
we‟ve been adrift in a small boat in the vast sea that has been our
affliction. Now, in our surrender, we‟ve stuck a white flag in the
soil in the first island we found in this sea. We‟ve said, possibly
with great trepidation, “I‟m an addict or alcoholic (or whatever
words it may be that we use), and I need help.” Our knees may be
shaking, our head may not be held very high at all, but the words
come out of our mouths, and that flag is planted. No matter where
the path takes us now, we have one familiar place from which we
can now find our way and measure our progress. Now we can take
a bearing and begin the journey. We may not see the light at the
end of the tunnel, but we know now that there is a tunnel, and
unlike the dangerous one we were in, this one at least has room
enough so that when, and if that train passes, we won‟t be hit by it.
Most everyone who has taken this step will remember the first
time they uttered those words. Some will remember where they
were, who was with them, and quite possibly the very date. As
confused as we may be at this point in our lives, the first time we
say “I am an alcoholic” or “I am an addict” is a memorable
occasion. It is so because it likely represents the first time, in a long
time, that we have been entirely honest with ourselves.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 19

Morality

One more word that must be spoken of when we regard the

problem of addiction is morality. The truth is that addiction and
compulsion have little to do with morality. So many people find
themselves in a state of self-condemnation because they feel that
they are addicted because of some sort of moral weakness or
deficiency of character, and that‟s simply not the case. Being an
alcoholic or an addict says nothing about your character. It doesn‟t
mean you‟re weak, it doesn‟t mean you‟re committing some sort of
sin – it means simply that your body reacts to these substances or
compulsions in a way in which others do not. Most all of us have
tried to overcome our obsessions and compulsions and have found
that we were unable to do so. The problem isn‟t a lack of will, but a
lack of power over our illness. The Twelve Steps will lead us to the
source of that power.
Now this does not excuse any of our actions while we were
under the influence of whatever substance you might have used.
Nor does this excuse our behavior between binges. We are, each
one of us, responsible for each of our actions, and these may have
some moral implications, but being an addict or an alcoholic is not
a choice – it‟s a biological process that we do not have control over.
None of us ever took that first drink, or first hit and said “I really
want to be an addict.” We cannot engage in this process while we
harbor the feeling that we are somehow morally deficient simply
because some substance has a grip on us. There will be plenty
enough in our lives that we will need to take responsibility for; let‟s
not begin by hoisting upon our shoulders some weight we need not
bear.
20 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 1 Practical Application

Maybe you‟re in therapy and your therapist has suggested that

you might want to look at your relationship with drugs or alcohol;
perhaps a school counselor or family member has suggested that
you have a problem. Maybe it‟s gone on so long that your job or
education is in jeopardy. You might have found yourself in jail or
before a judge who is ordering you to a treatment program.
Everyone who has become addicted to a substance has found
themselves at a low point – a bottom. The truth about bottoms is
that they can all go deeper – all we need do is keep digging. Until
we stop doing what we‟ve been doing, that hole just gets deeper
and more difficult to crawl out of.
Step 1 is only a recognition that we have hit some sort of
bottom or other. We can‟t fix what we refuse to acknowledge as
broken; it would be silly to bring a car that is in perfect order to
our mechanic and ask him to fix it. It‟s just as silly, and much more
dangerous, to drive around with a vehicle that has flat tires.
If we are in need of recovery and trying to live life without it,
we are in the position of that driver behind the wheel of a defective
car. It‟s up to us at this point to recognize that the car is in fact not
drivable and that we steer or stop with difficulty. If we don‟t
acknowledge the need for something to be done, there is little limit
to the wreckage we might leave in our wake.
We might have already caused a great deal of damage to our
selves, and to those around us. Here, in Step 1, we merely
recognize that the wreckage is there. This isn‟t the time to make
promises to those around us that “we‟re in a program now, and
things will change”. Instead of making more promises, such as
those we‟ve made before and broken, we will recognize that we are
going to change who we are, and let that change speak for us.
Step 1, in which we discover our brokenness, is where we also
find our hope.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 21
Step 1 Ritual

When many people think of ritual, they think of the elaborate

ceremonies of Catholicism or of the complicated and dangerous
rites of ceremonial magicians or the celebrations of Wiccans in
their circles. Ritual doesn‟t need to be that elaborate or complex. In
fact, the simplest acts that we do, so long as they are done
thoughtfully, can be our rituals. A number of the rituals in this
book will be of just that sort.
Each step in this process will be accompanied with a ritual.
These are each rites of passage, and as the road to recovery is a true
journey, these rituals are our way-markers. They are learning
experiences and celebrations of our achievements.
Our first ritual in our path toward recovery helps us to
acknowledge our helplessness and inability to control what is out
of our hands. Our culture teaches us that we are or should be
always in control and that there is nothing that we can‟t change by
exercise of technology or will. While this is partly true, even
technology has its challenges. Dams break, nuclear power plants
melt down, our machines rust and fail ... everything that we have
built, should humans leave this planet, will someday return to a
natural state, and a million years from now, there will likely be little
evidence that we ever existed.
Our first ritual takes place at a natural place where we can be in
contact with the elements. It may be a stream or a shallow river. It
might be the ocean or a mountaintop. Wherever it is, it must be as
natural as possible, and we must come in contact with the elements
of Earth. A rainstorm or snowstorm is good as well.
When you have found your place, stand in that space. If it‟s a
stream or river or the ocean, stand in the water. If it‟s a mountain,
stand on the top in the wind. If it‟s rain or snow, stand where you
experience these on your body.
Now is the difficult part. Will nature to stop what it is doing. If
you are in that stream or ocean, cause the water to stop its advance.
On the hill or in the midst of the storm, use your will to stop the
wind or rain. Obviously, this is not something that our will alone
can control. Don‟t just intellectually understand this – experience it.
(Some people are said to be able to control the weather by their will,
but such people are not commonplace, and people who are so
advanced are also likely to have far better control of their lives than
most of us.) So stand there for a time and will the Earth to change.
Do so until you recognize that the powers of the Earth are not at
your command – at least at this moment. Such also is the case with
addiction. It‟s not something we can will away. It is a power over
22 DEIRDRE HEBERT
us, just as is the power of the ocean. But like the ocean and the
river and the stream and the mountaintop, all is in a state of change
and transformation. All follows natural laws. Everything is
becoming something new. For us there is a way out – a way from
who and what we are, and toward that which we wish to become.
We just haven‟t found it yet.
Now step out of that ocean or stream or come down from the
mountain. Recognize that what we need for a safe journey is a
guide. We are now on our way to Step 2, in which we are likely to
meet that guide.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 23
Step 2

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves

could restore us to sanity.

Having taken the first step, we are now ready to begin on our
journey. Step 2, “Came to believe that a power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity”, marks the first minefield for
the Pagan in recovery. This “power greater than ourselves” in most
of the Western world is recognized as the Christian God. It‟s quite
likely that a Pagan attending a Twelve Step meeting will be the only
pagan there. Even the agnostic or the atheist attending such a
meeting will have a good many Christian attitudes; they are
unavoidable in the Western world. Those of us who left a Christian
faith for a Pagan one might even still carry much of that baggage
with us yet. Most Twelve Step meetings in the Western World
either begin or end with the Lord‟s Prayer. Many an atheist,
agnostic and Pagan have been put off the moment they hear “Our
Father, who art in heaven”. At these few words, many are turned
off immediately. Some never return. Some die. This is not
hyperbole.
Please don‟t get the impression that I‟m blaming Christianity
for more Pagan, atheist or agnostic deaths; I‟m not. It‟s just a
simple fact that we live in a world that is largely Christian, and that
most of the people that we‟ll meet in the Twelve Step programs are
also Christian. As a spiritual program, each member of the group
will likely express their own religious beliefs. As groups, the
opening and closing words will be voted on by those groups, and,
in a democratic organization, the wishes of the larger group will
likely prevail. There is no way around it ... if you attend meetings
regularly, you‟ll hear religious speech. But in this comes another
moment of freedom for the Pagan in recovery.
Where is this second moment of freedom? It comes from the
knowledge that the Twelve Steps were never intended to be a
religious program. This “power greater than ourselves” is only the
Christian God to Christians. To others, it may be God and
Goddess, Maiden, Mother and Crone, Great Spirit or anyone else.
When we hear the Christians recite the Lord‟s Prayer, we can
recognize that this is only one group of believers who are free to
offer a prayer to their God. We, who believe differently, are quite
able to do the same.
I remember early on being quite put off by the Christian prayer.
Often, I would recite a prayer to the Mother, and I would do so in
French. People would hear me praying, but in another language. I
24 DEIRDRE HEBERT
simply told them that I was reciting the prayer as I had learned it
when I was young. I didn‟t tell them that I had replaced “Father”
with “Mother”. Most were simply happy to know that I was
praying to someone, and the rest assumed that it was to the same god.
But in Step 2, it isn‟t the object of our belief that is the most
important issue. At this stage of our recovery, the real issue is belief.

Belief

In Step 1, we admitted to ourselves that we were powerless,

that our lives have become unmanageable. This leaves us with a
great void, and it is imperative that this void be filled with
something of substance. Lives left unmanageable and without
power might quickly give way to hopelessness and desperation.
Step 2 calls us to recognize that there truly is hope. It suggests to us
that where we have found ourselves without power, or without
access within ourselves to that power, that certainly we can look
beyond ourselves.
As Pagans, most of us are quite fond of circles. We know that
no matter where we are on a circle, so long as we keep moving in
the same direction we will return to the beginning. Likewise, any
search that takes us outside of ourselves, if conducted thoroughly
enough, will lead us back within ourselves. Thus, where the Charge
of the Goddess says “If that which thou seekest, thou findest not
within thee” it doesn‟t necessarily suggest that we‟re not to look
outside of ourselves. Rather, in looking anywhere, we will certainly
find insight into our deeper selves. I believe that we‟re called to
discover more about ourselves, no matter where we seek. As
Pagans, we‟re called to recognize divinity within ourselves as well as
without. At an early point in our recovery, what remains within us
is in turmoil. Like a windswept lake, the surface is too rough to
provide a clear vision of what lies below. But we are able at this
point to look outward rather than inward, and this is what we need
to do.
The Gods and Goddesses are of such a nature that if we seek
them, we will eventually find them, and the seeking will eventually
lead us right back to ourselves. But at this stage in our recovery,
most of us are unable to look that deeply within us. We‟ve likely
left such a trail of wreckage and carnage that looking deeply may
drive us right back to where we were. It‟s far easier to look beyond
us, and that‟s all that‟s required at this stage. For many, this is a
great mercy.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 25
As Pagans, we have a great variety of places to look for a being
that can restore us to sanity. We have Brighid who can heal. We
have Kwan Yin, the Chinese Goddess of compassion, or Beiwe the
Saami Goddess of sanity. We could call on almost any deity that we
know, knowing that the gods and goddesses of nature seek to
provide balance in nature. Addiction is an imbalance; it is the result
of our instincts gone awry. Who better than the deities of nature to
help us to restore them to their proper purpose and focus?
The Twelve Steps do not require that we believe in any
particular being. In many meetings, you‟ll hear people speak of a
higher power, and call that higher power Jesus or God (as if God is
a proper name rather than a title), but it‟s vital as Pagans to know
that the program does not require that we give any sort of
recognition to someone else‟s god. Our trust must be in the god of
our own understanding.

Finding Belief Within Us

Many who enter a Twelve Step program hit a wall at belief. We

have tried prayer, church, religion, self-help books, psychotherapy,
hypnosis, in-patient and outpatient hospitalizations, rehabs, and
almost any manner of relief imaginable, all to little or no effect.
We‟ve tried every system out there, still to come back to the same
position we were at before. Many of us believe that we are special
cases, those for whom no program will work.
Here is a secret: If you are capable of reading and
understanding these words, you are capable of finding relief from
addiction. There are few requirements that are necessary to find
recovery, and I‟ll list them here:

1. You must be alive.

2. You must be capable of being honest with yourself.
3. You must have a functioning brain.

With these three tools, just about anyone should be capable of

working through a program of recovery. If you possess the above
capacities, the only things that are preventing you from finding
recovery are your own lies and prejudices.
I was once outside and I noticed that my neighbor was on her
hands and knees searching through the grass. I asked her what the
matter was, and she told me that she had lost a ring. She asked me
if I would help her find it. We searched and searched for close to
an hour, and we simply couldn‟t find her ring. At this point she
told me “It‟s lost. Let‟s just go inside and forget it.” I remember
26 DEIRDRE HEBERT
telling her at this point that the surest way to not find the ring
would be to stop looking, and I intended on looking a while longer.
It was getting darker, so I went into the house and got a flashlight.
I started, in a pattern, shining my light line by line across the grass
where she thought she had lost the ring, and, sure enough, I saw a
shimmer of gold under the light. She got her ring back.
The surest way to fail at recovery is to stop trying, to assume
that we are that one case who is beyond hope. Failure, like anything
else, is a choice. The hope, the good news, the silver lining in all
this is that as much as failure is a choice, so is success. Most who
fail at recovery simply don‟t want it bad enough. It‟s true that we
can‟t recover on our own; the book Alcoholics Anonymous says
rightly “without help, it is too much for us”. The corollary to that is
that with help, we can succeed. We have those on our side who are
willing to help.
Many who call themselves Pagans have never truly sought a
relationship with Deity. This is your chance! Each of us is capable
of choosing to believe; we may not know in an intellectual or
empirical fashion, but we can believe. Whomever you choose to
follow as god or goddess, Step 2 is the moment when we trust in
faith that Deity is there and wishes to work on our side. “We came
to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.” This doesn‟t mean that we get discouraged when we find
that we don‟t have all our marbles back right now. We are
embarking on a journey that will last quite a while ... we don‟t reach
the destination just a few hours out of port.
What we are given for a gift right away is hope. We are graced
with the knowledge that while we couldn‟t do this alone, we now
have an ally, or allies. Those who know us best will be our guides,
our cut-men at the corner as we wage battle with the obsession that
has tyrannized us. Our allies will guide us, dress our wounds when
we misstep, lift us up when we fall, and encourage us along the way.
All that is required of us is that bit of faith, trust and belief, along
with the willingness to work the steps and not give up when the
going gets difficult.
Right now, our job is not to worry about how we are going to
remain clean and sober for the rest of our lives; it‟s simply to
believe that where we may have experienced repeated failures,
we‟re no longer alone. Our job is to surrender to our allies rather
than our adversaries, to place our trust solely in those who have
our best interests in mind. Our task is to believe that our gods will
sustain us and restore our instincts to their proper place and
purpose. Our gods and goddesses stand before us at this very
moment, with hands reaching out for us, and ask simply “Are you
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 27
ready?” “Will you trust me?” If we can believe that a power greater
than ourselves can restore us to sanity, then we are ready to move
on to Step 3.
28 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 2 Practical Application

Believing that someone else believes something is a giant step

away from believing something for ourselves. Many of us who have
attended Twelve Step meetings have heard “you may not believe,
but just for now, believe that we believe”. That‟s a step, but it falls
somewhat into the “wait and see” category of things. And when it‟s
coming from an individual who believes something entirely
different than we suspect to be true, it might not be a fulfilling
proposition.
To “…come to believe that a power greater than us can restore
us to sanity” implies not merely a suspicion, but a knowledge of
some sort. The problem is that most people today associate
knowledge with proof. We look to the word “knowledge” in the
same sense as a scientist and an engineer, and expect the word to
mean the same thing when used by a person of faith. This problem
is further exacerbated by people of faith who claim to mean the
same thing as the scientist when they use the word “knowledge”.
When we seek recovery from addiction and are presented with
Step 2, how can we reconcile the phrase “came to believe” with an
intellect that tells us that we cannot believe that for which we have
no proof? The answer lies in recognizing the sorts of proof that are
available for various propositions. Of course, we have no
instruments of scientific design that are capable of measuring and
demonstrating the existence of God. Nor do we have any
instruments that can demonstrate the existence of any sort of
spiritual being. It stands to reason that proving that such a being is
out of the question, and thus, we have to “come to believe” in a
different way.

Perhaps we can follow a different tack, a different method of

reasoning which does not require us to abandon the rules of logic,
but which still permits us to attain something we seek. Having
reached Step 1, we have recognized that on our own, we seem
unable to kick this habit – whatever it may be. We have tried to
quit, only to resume that habit again and again. In this sense, we
know that this addiction, this habit, is already stronger than we are.
But when we sit at meeting after meeting, we are faced with people
who have seemingly undergone profound transformation in their
own lives. This can mean that only one of two things is true: either
we are sicker than they are, and we are helpless, or they were able
to find something that enabled them to overcome something that
was more powerful than they.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 29
If we sit through more meetings and seek to identify with these
people who speak, rather than to compare our situation to theirs,
we shall see in short order that we are no sicker than many who
have recovered. Thus, the only possible explanation for their
recovery was something that was able to help them overcome what
we, heretofore, have not been able to overcome on our own
strength. It is not a faulty logic which presumes that they were able
to enlist the aid of some power greater than them, and if such a
power is available to others, it must be available to us as well. Thus
we have a completely rational and logical way to come to believe
that a power greater than us is indeed able to restore us to sanity.
30 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 2 Ritual

Where Step 2 involves the recognition that there is a power

greater than ourselves, this ritual helps us to attain that knowledge
in a tangible sense. Our goal is to recognize that there is something
that exists beyond us, and that this being(s) is desirous of our well-
being.
Find a forested place, away, as much as possible from the
sounds of the city. Make sure that you can dress appropriately for
the weather. Place yourself where you can see the sky, the trees and
whatever wildlife might be visible. If it‟s the winter and there is
snow, you may see the tracks of many animals.
As you are there, begin to meditate on what force it might be
that keeps each of these creatures sustained. Our logical minds
might say that biological processes alone compel these creatures to
multiply, to seek out food, to reproduce and so forth. But when we
look at pollution, hunting, the encroachment of human
“civilization”, animals getting hit in the roadway – why don‟t these
creatures despair and diminish? We might gather that they have no
nature to do so; we might suggest that they have no intellect with
which to feel despondent. But if this is lacking, then what intellect
is there to persevere? As much as we might claim that these
creatures lack, they seem to have faith - the faith that all that they
endure is worthwhile, the faith that there is a reason to go on.
The tree which loses its leaves in the darkness of winter has
faith that come spring there will be a reason to bloom once again.
The bears that hibernate in winter know that there will be a reason
to awaken in the spring. The squirrel, eating its stash of nuts
through the winter, does not despair because she knows there will
be more and abundant food when the snow melts. Without
knowing who is providing, each of these creatures knows that
something is providing. They do not despair because they have trust.
We, too, can have faith. We, too, can have the assurance that
our needs, in overcoming this addiction, will be met. We know that
others have trod the road we‟re on, and have done what we, at least
until now, may not have been able to do. But as generation after
generation of wild creature is able to survive and thrive, by
following the actions of previous generations, so to, will we, by
following the actions of those who came before us, be able to
remain in sobriety.
Sitting in the midst of nature, we remain in the midst of
whatever force this might be. We don‟t need to know what or who
this is – biological or spiritual, it is certainly a force, a power greater
than us. We recognize that the only thing we‟re asked at this time is
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 31
to believe that it exists. We don‟t have to define it. We don‟t have
to prove it to others. We merely have to acknowledge that it does,
indeed, exist. We realize in the midst of nature that this is not a
bridge too far.
Stay for a while in the quiet, and experience all of this. Let the
trust that all of nature has permeate your own being, and when it
has done so, thank nature for sharing it with you. If it is your way,
leave an offering and thank the Gods and Goddesses of that place
for showing you how all of nature, and now you as well, can trust.
32 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to

the care of the Divine and our own highest self.

This is a step that turns many who are part of a minority

religion away from the Twelve Step programs of recovery. It is the
second minefield. In many programs, it is the first step that
mentions God, and it speaks of God as a singular and as a male. In
its original form, it reads “Made a decision to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of God, as we understood him”. Many who
are not Christian (and many who are) miss the words “as we
understood him”. We fail to remember or recognize that these
words were written by Christian American men in the early part of
the 20th century, and that God was spoken of quite differently then.
We also forget, or rather many of us have never even heard, that
Bill W. and Dr. Bob really did try to create a program of recovery
that was accessible to all, regardless of religious affiliation. No, we
hear the words “God” and “him”, and we “know” that this is a
Christian program. We suspect that sooner or later, we‟ll get invited
to a church; that sooner or later, we‟ll be expected, if not required,
to bow down to the same god as the rest of the folks we meet in
the halls of recovery.
What are the facts? Well, the fact is that the majority of
Americans do identify as Christian. In any group that comprises a
representative sampling of American society, you‟ll find that about
70% will identify as Christian. Throughout the West, this number
will probably hold within a few percentage points. It will typically
be lower in societies that are more modern or progressive, but it‟s
fairly high. Programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics
Anonymous and others do represent fairly well a sampling of the
larger population.
So, to whom do these groups expect you to turn your will and
your life over to? None other but the deity or higher power of your
own choosing. The Twelve Step programs are not religious
programs. Religion is the means whereby we express our
spirituality, but our religion is not our spirituality. Our spirituality
may be likened our bodies, and our religion likened to our clothing.
The religion, like our clothing, is what people may see, but our
spirituality gives the underlying shape and substance. Our religion,
like our clothing, can be flattering or not; it can be beautiful or ugly
and dirty, and a style that works wonders for one person may well
not work for another. But at this stage, religion has little to do with
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 33
anything. Step 3 is nothing but a decision, an agreement between
you and the higher power that you believe is capable of restoring
you to sanity.

Making a decision

Step 3 is about more than merely deciding that we‟re going to

give our will and our lives over to the care of the Gods and
Goddesses, Lord and Lady, or whatever deities we choose to trust.
In Step 3, we actually offer ourselves up to that care. It‟s much
more than an intellectual assent, much more than a mere thought-
experiment, and as such is an exercise in letting go of our wills.
This is a great step out in trust, but if we do it well we will discover
that it is not a trust that is empty. It is truly a trust that will bear
fruit. The question, of course, is how exactly do we make this
decision, and what shape does it take?
There have been four editions of the book Alcoholics Anonymous,
but the first 164 pages have remained the same throughout each
edition. When someone points to something in the first 164 pages,
so long as it‟s an English copy of that text, you‟re sure to find it.
These 164 pages are the embodiment of the Twelve Step program
of recovery and are the source material for every Twelve Step
program that followed. On page 63 of the book one can find a
prayer in which this decision is made. It‟s written in much the same
language as the King James Bible. Perhaps people were more
familiar with that language in 1939, but to many people today, the
words “thee”, “thy” and “wilt” don‟t necessarily evoke a feeling of
reverence as they once did. To many, they are simply archaic forms.
Others may be moved by such language. I recall watching Princess
Diana‟s funeral and hearing Tony Blair read from the Christian
Bible. He read from Paul‟s first letter to the Corinthians, that
section known as the “Hymn to Love”. Personally I don‟t have a
problem with 18th century English, but hearing him speak these
words, they came alive. Even though the words might not have
been said the way we say them every day (with “speakest” instead
of “speak”, with the letters “th” at the end of verbs) what really
mattered was the way they were spoken, the emotion that was
behind them.
I heard someone once say “Never tell a story unless you
believe it completely.” My grandfather used to say “Always say
what you mean and always mean what you say.” This is especially
good advice as we approach Step 3. Just as anyone can pick up a
spell book and repeat the words, repeated words are not a spell;
neither are they a prayer. Anyone could pick up a copy of the Big
34 DEIRDRE HEBERT
Book (as the text of Alcoholics Anonymous is known), turn to page 63,
and read the prayer that appears there. Saying and doing are quite
different things. I could, even as a Pagan, go to a Christian church,
say the sinner‟s prayer and go up to the altar at an altar call. This
would not make me a Christian. Words are quite capable of being
empty. Any of us can say or promise anything; it‟s what we do
afterward that counts, or what we put behind those words as we
say them. A story told in truth, by one who believes it and feels it
and lives it will have far more impact on the one hearing it than
would the same story recounted as merely an anecdote.
When we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to
the care of our higher power, whomever that might be, if it is half-
hearted, if it is done without expectation, without sincerity, without
commitment, it is as if it is not done at all. This doesn‟t mean that
we offer our will and never again become willful; it doesn‟t mean
that our decision is perfect and perfectly kept all the time; but it
does mean that we truly mean what we say and that we intend to
live by this decision.
The prayer on page 63 in the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous reads “God, … Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that
victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy
Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!”
This isn‟t a Pagan prayer, per se, but, with a bit of modification it
could be, and it is a good prayer. It is a prayer that says that we
now have a purpose that comes from somewhere beyond ourselves,
a higher purpose. It is a statement of the recognition of the fact
that we can be better, more than what we are, and that we are
willing to give ourselves over to the power or being that is capable
of helping us become better. It is filled neither with pridefulness
nor with false humility. It speaks of a hope and perhaps even an
expectation of victory, which in our case is freedom from the
bondage of addiction. Its only problem is that it may not be “our”
prayer. But again, by maintaining the sentiments and changing the
words, we could if we so desired make it ours. As Pagans, it‟s good
to remember that no religion was ever created in a vacuum – all of
them are derived from previous or contemporary religions. If we
find a prayer that speaks to us, there is no shame in using it or in
modifying it for our own purposes.
We‟ve all seen the plays and motion pictures where the verbally
clumsy boy seeks the help of one who is able to woo through
words alone. The clumsy boy asks his silken-tongued friend for the
words that will win the heart of the maiden he desperately desires.
He repeats poetry and prose that are given to him, but these are
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 35
not his words. He may be expressing emotion, but not his thoughts.
The girl is falling for the message, rather than the messenger, and
often feels deceived when she discovers the truth. The boy using
the words of another discovers that he, in the end, has lost yet
another chance at true happiness.
Such is the case with prayer; unless the words spoken are
words that have meaning to us, they aren‟t ours. As the story-teller
said, don‟t tell the story (in this case the prayer) unless you truly
believe it. Better than to simply recite a prayer that isn‟t yours, write
your own. We don‟t need poetry that flows as if it came from the
pen of Shakespeare to get our message across, and most of us
aren‟t capable of such writing anyway. Such a prayer doesn‟t need
rhyme or rhythm; what it needs is truth and sincerity. We are
expressing what we are giving in this step. We are making a
sacrifice of our wills, and offering our lives. In exchange, we will
receive back our lives, only free from the bondage of addiction. If
we wanted, we could simply rephrase the existing prayer and offer
it to our patron deity. It might read “Blessed Brighid, I offer myself
to you, to build with me, and to do with me as you wish. Remove
from me this bondage of self, so that I might better do your will.
Take from me my difficulties so that victory over them will show
others your power, love and way of life. May I do your will always.”
That was quite simple to do, and may be in a language which is
more suitable to someone today. The point here is to offer up to
deity a prayer that truly expresses what is in our hearts; to offer up
our intentions rather than someone Else‟s words. It doesn‟t have to
be fancy or flowery, but it must be true, and we must believe it. As
in all magick, intent is the operative word; without intent whatever
we say is void.

Our Highest Self

Pagans have many different views of Deity and of self. Our

dictionary is replete with terms to describe Deity and our
relationship with the Divine. There is Monotheism, Polytheism,
Henotheism, Animism, Deism, Pantheism, Panentheism … we can
literally come up with dozens of terms such as these, but they all
refer to different beliefs as to the nature of Deity. Some Pagans
believe in many Gods (Polytheism) and some believe that all Gods
are one, essentially resolving to a monotheism. So when we speak
to another Pagan, we‟re unlikely to agree completely even as to the
nature of such a being. But fortunately these tend to be side issues,
and we allow each other the latitude to express our own beliefs and
36 DEIRDRE HEBERT
look to the principles we‟re trying to express rather than the
constructs that form the system of belief.
Some Pagans believe in reincarnation, and others don‟t. Some
believe that there is something of us that survives beyond this life,
and others believe that once we die, all that is self is gone. So any
discussion of a higher self, and the relationship of that self to any
Divine being is fraught with difficulties – it is nearly impossible to
speak any position and to find complete agreement in any room.
What follows may resonate with you – or it may not, but I hope
that the principles will at least make sense.
When we speak of our Highest Self, we do not speak of the
mundane desires of the body. Many Pagans and spiritualists
recognize that what exists in body and mind is merely a reflection
of a multi-dimensional being, and many exercises that we involve
ourselves with are designed to increase the connection between the
mundane self and the true, higher self. It is on this level that we
work most closely with Deity. It is the physical body and the
physical mind that are subject to addictions and mental illness and
disease. The higher self is unaffected by such things. And so it
makes sense, when embracing recovery, to contact not only deity,
but to also seek to know the will of our true and higher self. Many
of us have come to Earth with a mandate, a contract or a purpose,
and knowing that purpose, and working toward it is a large portion
of our recovery.
Once again, we remember Aleister Crowley, the great
ceremonial mage who wrote the words that ultimately became the
Wiccan Rede. His words were “Do what thou wilt shall be the
whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will”. In Wicca, it was
revised to “An it harm none, do what thou will.” In either version
we encounter the concept of will. In Crowley‟s language, will is not
mere desire – our wants, our likes, our Earthly passions. The
concept of will in Thelema refers much more to our true purpose –
our life‟s calling. One might consider this will our higher self. It is
this purpose which conforms to any Divine purpose. And thus, as
we err in our daily lives, we stray not only from any Divine plan,
but from our own purpose as well.
In recovery, we seek to know the plan or will of our Gods and
Goddesses, and we seek also to know our own higher will. When
we decide to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the
Divine, and to our own higher will, we are recognizing that we
have fallen astray of our own purpose; the path we are on is not the
one we had contracted with for this particular lifetime. We are
further recognizing that there is likely something far better available
for us.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 37
Perhaps we are all here to learn certain lessons – maybe we are
here to undergo some experience – but any teacher with experience
will know that students learn different ways depending on their
particular backgrounds, constitutions or abilities. Trying to teach
science or mathematics or literature to any two students can be a
very different experience because those two students may learn
differently. It‟s possible that we are experiencing addiction, mental
illness or that we love a particular individual with these
characteristics because there is something in this particular situation
that we are destined to learn in this lifetime. Getting in touch with
our higher self and with our Gods and Goddesses may be our way
of stating that we are now ready, having experienced the pain of
that lesson, to experience a re-birth through the process of
recovery. In Step 3, we are acknowledging that there must be
cooperation between our daily self, our higher self, and whichever
Gods and Goddesses we work best with. We acknowledge that
there is much more than just “me” in the equation, and that as far
down this hole as we may have come, it‟s going to take more than
“me” to work our way out. We have recognized that we‟re at the
bottom, but we also know that we can call out – that someone is
listening and will respond. The hole we‟ve dug may be deep, but
there is a ladder or a rope that will be provided for us at the very
moment we ask. We also know that the work isn‟t complete, and
we may have a treacherous climb ahead, but the days of going it
alone are gone for as long as we‟re willing to trust those who have
now answered the call for assistance.
38 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 3 Practical Application

In some ways we do ourselves a disservice when we grow up;

and as parents, we might be perpetuating that disservice to our
children. We have an attitude that “grown-ups” are those people
who are able to do things on their own. It seems that asking for
help is a weakness. We go from wanting to ride the bicycle
ourselves to believing that there is little reason to ask for help in
most anything. Of course there are exceptions – some objects are
simply too large or heavy to move alone. Nobody is going to feel
inferior or weak because they can‟t move a piano without help. But
all too often asking for help seems to be a sign of weakness.
Along with this, it seems that our culture has taught us a false
equivalence. For many of us, asking for help implies that we are
asking someone to do something in our stead. “Can you help me
change my tire” has become a passive-aggressive way of saying
“Will you change my tire for me?”
In Step 3, we place our trust in a higher power, and in so doing,
ask that higher power for help. We ask that this power do for us
what we cannot do for ourselves, but not to do for us what we are
capable of doing for ourselves. When we help another, we ought
not to be doing their job, but we should be providing the assistance
necessary to enable them to do their job. There is an important
distinction between the two.
Providing help to another still leaves that person who has been
helped room for pride and satisfaction in a job well-done. Doing
their job for them leaves them empty. Our Gods and Goddesses
do not seek, when we ask them for help, to do the job for us. We
don‟t have a higher power that wants us weak, impotent and
dependent; rather Deity delights in us when we succeed, having
performed a task that at first blush seemed quite impossible.
Our higher power is there, as is a parent, to help; but they have
no desire to do for us what we should do for our self. In nature, no
higher power is there to place the nuts where they will be
convenient for the squirrels come winter. It‟s not the squirrel‟s job
to produce the winter‟s food, but it is their job to properly gather
and store it.
The Gods and Goddesses, our higher powers, will help us and
guide us and afford us support and balance. But they won‟t do the
entire job. They desire that in the end, we have something to call
our own, that we have something to be proud of as well. The
father who never lets go of his daughter‟s bicycle for fear that she‟ll
fall has given his daughter little in the end. In keeping her safe he‟s
deprived her of the satisfaction of doing something on her own.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 39
But a good father will also set down some rules: early on will
be the admonition to wear a helmet when riding, to not venture
out on our own before we‟re ready, to avoid busy streets and so
forth. Asking for help implies that we‟re ready to take certain
direction and to play by certain rules. These rules may be individual,
because we are all different, but they won‟t be entirely ambiguous.
Twelve Step programs have people available who will be our
sponsors. These are people who have trod the road we‟re on
before. They know the pitfalls. They aren‟t there as the Vox Dei, or
Voice of God, but they are the voice of experience, and our higher
power may speak to us, on occasion, through them.
It‟s up to each of us to recognize when we‟re asking for help
and when we‟re asking someone to do the entire job for us. In Step
3 we‟re that little girl asking the father to teach us to ride a bicycle.
We can know that our higher power will help us to learn balance,
but that at some point we‟ll be doing at least part of the job our self.
Our job is to recognize what our part is, to know when to rely on
help, and to know that it‟s sometimes dangerous to venture out on
our own before we‟re ready.
Early on, like the child learning to ride a bicycle, we may need a
great deal of support and our higher power, through our sponsor,
friends, family and others in the program of recovery, may hold us
up most if not all of the time. But a wise parent knows to let go at
just the right time, and sooner or later we‟ll find that we are using
less and less support and that we are learning to stand on our own
two feet. Where we had once stood in quicksand we‟ve been led to
dry and solid Earth.
40 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 3 Ritual

This ritual is one that might work better with some help. This
is fitting because in this step we have asked for help. When we ask
for help, we need to rely on the person who is offering that help. If
it‟s at all possible, try to find someone else who has been through
this program and who has worked through this text to help you.
What you will need for this ritual is a stream over which is a
narrow makeshift bridge, or perhaps a small pool and some cinder-
blocks which support a beam above the pool. The beam or bridge
should be solid enough to support the weight of two people safely
and wide enough to have sure footing. If none of this is available,
use your imagination and come up with something similar.
In asking for help, we recognize that we need to trust. Trust is
not a skill that comes easy to many of us, but it is necessary for
survival, especially for the addict or alcoholic. When you have
found the bridge or erected your own over a pool, you will be
blindfolded and the individual helping you will lead you over this
bridge. You are entirely dependent on this person so as not to fall.
This is what trust is. With the blindfold, you can see neither them,
nor the bridge, nor the danger beneath. Your fear is based on what
you believe to exist, and on your lack of trust.
Once you have been led across, remove the blindfold, and
cross again, with your own eyes. There may still be a small fear of
falling, or not, but recognize now that when you were blind, you
could not cross safely under your own power. You needed a power
greater than yourself – in this case a power with the gift of vision –
to cross that bridge. When the veil was lifted and you could again
see, you were then able to cross under your own power. The gift
you were given was that of one who would support you until you
could support yourself.
Your friend is still there and still able to help you when you are
once again in need, but now you can know with certainty that you
are able to walk safely, across this obstacle at least, on your own
two feet. But you have also gained the confidence that when
another obstacle is in your path and you are unsure of your way,
that you are not in danger so long as you rely on what help is
available.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 41
Step 4

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of

ourselves.

No enterprise can be successful without a knowledge of its

assets and liabilities. Every business needs to know to whom
money or product is owed, and from whom debts are to be
collected. Our own lives are much like a business enterprise – we
accumulate debts and we dispense to others our time, energy and
effort as well. Some of us view our debts and credits as Karma, and
most all agree that there is some sort of ledger sheet kept
somewhere. Words like “they had it coming” suggest that there is
somewhere, somehow, a settling of accounts.
Most Pagans are familiar with this sort of accounting, but
many of us don‟t really know how to go about insuring that the
things we do are working in our favor. Many of us hope that if
we‟re nice enough, things will work out in the end. But how do we
know that we‟re “nice enough”? And what do we do about the
time before we actually sought to “be nice”? It is in Step 4 that we
actually take a close and detailed look at who we are, and who
we‟ve been. What have been our motives? Have we honestly tried
to do what is best for us and for those around us? Are we really as
honest, as humble, as altruistic as we like to believe?
Some of us might view ourselves with negativity, disdain and
even contempt, thinking that little good can come of us. We might
believe that we are worthless, that we have hurt so many in our
past that there is little chance, if any, of redemption. But there is a
saying that we are likely to hear in the halls of recovery. It goes
“You‟re not that good at being that bad.” When we are in the midst
of working Step 4, those of us who are prone to feelings of
grandiosity will likely to discover that we‟re not that good at being
that good either. If we‟re gaining in the ability to see things as they
really are, what we‟ll find is that none of us are qualified for either
sainthood or to be the anti-Christ. We are all people who have
managed to do good and ill, but still desiring to do greater and
greater good.
Just as no business can start manufacturing anything until it has
the necessary components or ingredients, we‟re not going to be
able to make a start on the changes we need to make in our lives
until we know what we have to work with. The business needs an
inventory of its raw ingredients, and so do we. Every business
tracks its assets and obligations on some sort of balance sheet. This
42 DEIRDRE HEBERT
sheet contains debits and assets – moneys owed and spent, and
accounts that have been paid or are receivable. It is from this
information that a business knows if it made a profit or if it lost
money. It is from this information that investors determine, in part,
if a particular company is worth investing in.
And so in Step 4 we look fearlessly at our self, at our life, at
what we‟ve done, at what we‟ve failed to do, and at our motivation
for doing so. We are capable of doing this fearlessly because we are
being objective, and because we are not passing judgment on our
self. This is simply an exercise in accounting, but a desperately
needed accounting that is long overdue.

The Debit Side Of The Ledger

In Step 4, we once again encounter some differences between

the Christian and the Pagan ways of thinking. Here we find the
fundamentalist Christian and rule-based legalistic thought running
headlong into the seeming relativism of the Pagan standard. In
much recovery literature, one finds lists of “defects of character”,
compendiums of errors or of types of sin. Some of these are based
on the “Seven Deadly Sins” of Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath,
Envy, and Pride. These may also be known as capital sins or mortal
sins. It needs to be remembered though, that these sins come from
a Christian paradigm, from a rules-based morality, and may not
necessarily apply to all Pagans. For example, a Pagan might look at
lust and recognize that so long as it isn‟t out of control, lust is little
more than a healthy libido. It becomes something negative when
we permit our lust to rule us, or to infringe upon the rights of
others. None of this is to suggest that there is no such thing as true
evil, but if we look at the Seven Deadly Sins, we will recognize that
each of these is nothing but a natural and healthy instinct that is
merely taken to an unhealthy extreme.
If Pagans and Christians are so different, though, one may
wonder how a pagan is to accomplish the moral inventory as
suggested by the Twelve Steps ... does Step 4 even apply to the
Pagan at all? Or can Step 4 touch something that is more universal
than its Christian underpinnings? Much of Paganism does follow
(in one sense or another) one rule, and much of the rest of
Paganism accepts that rule as at least a good starting point for
some sort of morality. This rule is the Wiccan Rede which states,
“An it harm none, do what thou wilt”. Some interpret this to mean
“if it harms nobody, do what you want”; others shorten it to “harm
none”. Nearly every Pagan that I‟ve spoken to, however, believes
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 43
that each of these two interpretations misses something. Most
believe the Rede to be neither as permissive or as simplistic as
these two interpretations suggest. Instead, those who have taken
the time and effort to ponder the Rede more deeply believe that it
calls out to each of us to consider our actions carefully and
thoughtfully. Put another way, the Rede might read “Consider the
potential harm to every individual who may be impacted by your
actions; if there is no foreseeable harm, you are free to act with
liberty. If however, there is any potential harm, then you must
weigh that harm against the good that will result from your actions;
then act with that knowledge, and be prepared to accept the
consequences (foreseen or unforeseen) from your action or
inaction.” This is a far taller order than simply “harm none”
because it requires both foresight and the willingness to take
responsibility for the outcome of our actions.
Where for Christians the completion of a moral inventory may
involve the compilation of a list of offenses against God or against
others – perhaps laws broken, trusts betrayed and so forth – much
like the list of offenses on a traffic ticket with a tick-mark beside
each violation, the Pagan must look at all his or her actions to
discern the motives and consequences. A Christian might know
that stealing is a sin; a Pagan might recognize that they stole in
order to save the life of a person or a creature. It may have been
illegal, but the wrongness of it could be another matter entirely.
When looking at the Seven Deadly Sins, the Pagan runs into
another concept that seems strange or foreign to them ... that of sin
itself. A “sin” is an offense against God. Many Pagans (though not
all) feel that Deity, God and Goddess are entirely beyond our
imagining, that nothing we could possibly do would offend them; it
would be like a human being taking offense at the actions of a
bacterium three inches in the ground beneath our picnic blanket.
Much more important than any offense against any God are the
offenses to each other, to our environment, or to the other
creatures that are living on our planet. We can imagine that the
Gods look at us, for the most part, as beings in a stage of growth
or development – much like older generations viewing with
bemusement the actions and passions of our children and
grandchildren. The Pagan performing Step 4 will likely have an
entirely different sort of inventory than will a Christian.
Nonetheless, we can create a real and effective inventory using
the principles that are set down in Step 4. Rather than a list of
possible offenses, however, a Pagan‟s inventory might look
something like this:
44 DEIRDRE HEBERT

 Have I used others for my own gain, especially without

thought of what harm it might cause them?
 Have I put aside my own principles for immediate
gratification or for temporary gain?
 Have I been unnecessarily wasteful of the Earth‟s resources?
 Have I set aside my integrity for financial gain, or have I
placed too little value on my own time and effort?
 Have I sought sexual gratification without thought of safety
or of the feelings or expectations of the other(s) involved?
 Have I endangered any others through my actions or
inaction?
 Have I dishonored my family name or my ancestors through
carelessness, action or inaction?

These are very different questions than what the Christian

might come up with; they reflect an entirely different paradigm.
They are fashioned from the viewpoint of a people who place
greater value on intent and purpose rather than being derived from
a rules-based morality. This shouldn‟t be taken to imply that a
Pagan paradigm is better than the Christian world-view; it‟s simply
a different way of looking at the world. It‟s certainly a more
appropriate viewpoint for the Pagan, but then again, a rules-based
approach is much better for most Christians.

The Credit Side Of The Ledger

No inventory consisting of debits alone can assess the true

value of a business; as well as what one owes, one needs to know
what one has. The Christian heritage tends to emphasize humility
as a virtue, and it rightly is. The trouble is that we‟ve lost the true
meaning of humility. We generally view the person who is shy, self-
effacing, modest, or not acknowledging his or her achievements as
the model of humility. RuneWolf spoke of humility in an article
called “The Eight Virtues of the Craft”, which appeared on
WitchVox some years ago. He spoke of humility as taking stock of
one‟s strengths and weaknesses, and working to “cultivate the
former and to transform the latter”. To truly know ourselves, we
need to know those strengths as well as we know our weaknesses.
From our strengths come our ability to work, to effect change in
our world, to honor our ancestors, to make a difference.
The Christian view of virtue is that all that is good and
righteous and of real and lasting value comes from God – man is
incapable of such things on his power alone. What we do well, we
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 45
do not claim as our achievement; it comes from God. We see great
athletes who break world-record after world-record who then claim
that it wasn‟t them, but the Lord. The Pagan, on the other hand,
experiences a Deity who delights in our accomplishments, and who
doesn‟t do for us what we are able to do on our own. I think that
RuneWolf put it best when he said that false humility, to say “I‟m
really not that good” after receiving a compliment, is much like a
slap in the face of Deity who gave us the talents or strength to
perform such deeds. True humility, he said, is shown by
acknowledging such a compliment, looking the person who offered
it in the face, and simply saying “thank you”.
False humility is in reality no humility at all. Most people who
practice false humility are really begging for further compliments;
it‟s gratifying to some, after saying “well, I‟m not really that good”
to have people disagree or protest, to hear them say “you should
give yourself more credit.” Many do give themselves more credit,
but they downplay it to receive even more praise. Real humility
suggests that we need to know where our talents lie and what our
strengths really are. It is our strengths, that with the assistance of
the Gods, will enable us to transform our weaknesses and bring
our instincts in conformity with their true purpose. What can
constitute our strengths? A short list would include such things as:

 Talents: music, poetry, writing, riding, gardening, etc.

 Abilities: Perception, empathy, vision, etc.
 Strengths: Physical or emotional
 Character: Honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, etc.

It is not prideful to take an honest look at who we are, taking

note of our gifts, yet many of us feel guilty when we look at our
positive qualities. To be completely humble requires that we get
over this; there is no true humility in being unable to recognize our
own positive traits. A lack of ability to recognize our positive
characteristics is a much a lapse of integrity as any other Once
we‟ve completed this inventory though, what do we do with it?
Having looked at our positive qualities, most of us will discover
that our balance sheet is far from entirely written with red ink.
46 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 4 Practical Applications

Knowing who and what we are, and what we stand for, offers
us advantages in every aspect of our lives. Being able to point to
what we‟ve done in our past, good or bad and accepting the
consequences of those actions, gives us the ability to stand with
integrity and a healthy pride, which is another word for humility.
For many of us, the guilt resulting from our past actions is
something we wish not to revisit, hence we hesitate on Step 4. But
the benefit of the honesty afforded by the practice of taking a
personal inventory is something of real value.
When we define integrity, some of us speak of a person who is
impeccable - what they do is always just, always for the common or
greater good. But there is another (and at this point more
important) definition of integrity. Integrity is complete honesty
about who we are and what we‟ve done – good or bad, right or
wrong. The first step in gaining integrity is an acknowledgment of
who we are, and what we‟ve done, right here, right now. It matters
little in the way of integrity, even if we move forward doing what is
right, if the actions of our past hang over us like the Sword of
Damocles and we refuse to acknowledge or deal with them. For as
long as we refuse to come to terms with our past, it will ever be a
source of fear that taints and haunts whatever gains we may make
in the present. The stress imposed from that fear of a past left
uncorrected will impact our own self-worth and will sit in the pit of
our stomachs as a perpetually undigested meal, sickening and
weakening us. We will try, at times, to stand firm and proud, but
our knees will remain weak, and we will see our pride is nothing
but a mask, covering another mask, and another still, like the layers
of an onion, which, when peeled away reveal that what lies beneath
is shame.
Our past is something that will perpetually follow us, but it is
something we can deal with and we needn‟t be ruled by it. One
saying in Alcoholics Anonymous goes “We will not regret the past,
nor wish to shut the door on it.” If we choose to work at it, we can
mitigate the influence our past has over us today, but in order to do
that, we need to acknowledge what wreckage we‟ve left in our wake.
We are like a driver who is ticketed by the police for speeding – we
can‟t travel back in time and retroactively alter our speed. Likewise,
with our own past, we can‟t go back and alter the things we have
done – we can‟t unhurt those we‟ve hurt, but we can acknowledge
that past and make whatever corrections are necessary to avoid the
same error in the future.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 47
At this point in our journey through the Twelve Steps, we may
not be ready to atone for our past failings, but that isn‟t the task
we‟re confronted with right now. Rather, our job, at this moment
in time is to take stock of who we are and what we‟ve done. In the
recent past, we‟ve learned that we have been helpless, that there is
someone in whom we can place our trust, and we‟ve come to
believe that they can, and will help us as we confront whatever
difficulties may lie ahead. Step 4 is the first seemingly dangerous
ground that we will need to tread. We are going to use what we‟ve
learned in the first three steps to trust that despite our trepidation
and the shakiness of our knees, we will have the strong and bracing
hands of one who will walk beside us to hold us up for as long as
we in need, and that we are able to trust and willing to receive that
assistance.
What we can know about revisiting our past is that we are
experiencing nothing new. Some of what we revisit may be
unpleasant, but we have already survived it. Visiting it from the
present will not destroy us. Whatever power our past has over us is
merely that with which we endow it. Looking closely at our past
enables us to understand each of the choices we‟ve made, and
understanding each of these choices affords us the opportunity to
learn something important about who we are right now. It is
necessary, as we work through Step 4, to avoid passing judgment
on our selves. If we approach this step with an attitude that permits
self-condemnation, we will likely fail. Instead we might endeavor to
adopt the attitude of an independent auditor – one who merely
takes note of facts, one who does not judge. The independent
auditor has no interest in the implications of the data that she or he
is collecting – the auditor‟s interest is in the collection and
presentation of truth. If we can do this, if we can, without fear,
merely look back and take notes, filling in both sides of our ledger
as we do, we will be doing the job that we are tasked to do. We will
have an inventory that is valuable to us as we progress through the
remainder of these steps.
The practical application of Step 4 is achieved when we are
able to be completely honest to our selves. As the Oracle at Delphi
admonishes us to “Know Thyself”, we will understand upon
completion of Step 4 who we are and what we are about. This,
though well into the steps already, is a starting point and a point of
change in our lives. We are now in possession of the gift of insight
into our own minds; we now have the tools of self-examination,
and as we progress from here, we need never again be a mystery to
ourselves.
48 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 4 Ritual

Any ritual for Step 4 needs to emphasize the fact that the first
person we need to be honest with is our self, and that fearlessness,
or at least courage, must win out over shame. This ritual will take
us to a place we may not have been before, and is best done in
private. Though this ritual is designed to be conducted when you
first begin work on Step 4, it may be performed at any point
thereafter. It is not designed to be used before you are ready to
begin that work.

 For this ritual you will need:

 A full-length mirror. (Smaller ones might do, but they should
be large enough to see a large portion of our body. If you
don‟t have one handy, many stores, even second-hand shops
are good places to get such a mirror.)
 A lamp or candles.
 A robe.
 A notebook.
 A pen or pencil.
 Your favorite bath/shower products.

Many of us suffer from some form of shame of self. We may

have a poor body image, we might have scars, too much or too
little hair. Beyond the shame we suffer from the things we‟ve done,
beyond our poor body image, we may suffer from the shame of
simply being. This ritual will give us a starting point; here we will
begin our personal inventory by looking at the outside first.
With this ritual, you will want to insure that you are in a place
where we will not be disturbed, and where there is room to set up
our mirror (or where you have one available). You may set up some
quiet music if that makes you comfortable.
Begin by lighting candles (taking care that they are placed safely)
or some other source of soft lighting. Standing in front of the
mirror, look at yourself. Ask yourself the following questions:

 Why am I dressed the way I am?

 What does the way I dress say about me?
 Am I trying to send a message to the people around me?
 Is what I am wearing congruent with who I am?
 Do I look like the person I truly wish to be?
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 49
Write these things, and any other thoughts that come to mind
in your notebook. Now begin to take off your clothing, watching
yourself in the mirror as you do. Recognize that each article of
clothing is not only covering you, but hiding you. Ask yourself
what each article represents as you remove it, and record this in
your notebook.
Now, you are standing naked in front of your mirror, exposed
to yourself. Examine your body closely. Take your time, from head
to toe, to record each detail and how you feel about it, but be sure
to record not only the negatives, but the positives as well. In fact, if
you don‟t have just as many positives as you do negatives,
something is missing in your inventory. This is especially important
for those of us who might have some sort of eating disorder; to
find any real and lasting healing it is imperative that we discover
and recognize those things about us that are good.
What color is your hair? Is it straight or curly? Is it artificially
colored? Is it a part of your disguise? Do you wish to change it?
Why, or why not?
What is your face like? Does it show the work you‟ve done, the
joys you‟ve had or the sorrows you‟ve experienced? Does it reflect
back to you wisdom or weariness? Does it show your age well, or
does it show that you‟ve perhaps lived your life, and perhaps more
than your expected share? If you could change something about
your body, what might it be? Or are you happy and satisfied with
who you are today?
Inside your head is your brain – the physical seat of your
consciousness. How well has it served you? Obviously, you are able
to read and understand this book, or you wouldn‟t be doing so! Do
you have emotional difficulties that you deal with? Write these in
your notebook. This might include whatever addiction or
compulsion you are working to overcome. Obviously you have an
intellect as well; how does this serve you? Do you use your mind in
your job? Certainly your mind will be a part of your recovery. Write
all that you discover here down in your notebook as well.
From head to toe, scan your body once more – looking for
anything that you might have missed. Remember that the point
isn‟t self-flagellation or criticism – but honesty.
When you are done, imagine yourself as you would like to see
yourself, perhaps one year, or five years from now. See that person
in the mirror and take note of all the details you can, and record
these in your notebook, being sure to date it. When one year, or
five – which ever you chose, comes about, look back to this
notebook and see if the reality matches.
50 DEIRDRE HEBERT
Keeping the image of who you wish to be in mind, and if you
are able, it‟s time to perform a little magic. Take a shower or bath
with your favorite products. As you bathe, visualize everything that
is separating the you as you are, from the individual you wish to be,
being washed away as if it were some still-wet, water-based paint.
All the work that you have done in this process to date, and all the
work that remains is leading you to the person you strive to
become. The work that you begin in this step is a major part of that
transformation, and today, you have begun it in earnest.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 51
Step 5

Admitted to Deity, to ourselves, and to another human

being the exact nature of our wrongs.

In most Twelve Step programs, the Pagan once again

encounters the word “God”, and with it, in many groups, a
Christian attitude. In the original form, and in most forms of the
Twelve Steps, this step is worded “Admitted to God …” and it is
likely that we as Pagans are finding ourselves at odds with some
other Christian ideas as well. But before we despair, take a look at
what we‟re doing and what this step in actuality implies. In Step 4,
we made an inventory; in Step 5, we are called to make it, in some
limited sense, a bit public. Where in Step 4 we might have thought
we dismantled our ego, in Step 5 it seems that we seemingly lay
waste to that ego, tossing it in the path of the wrecking-ball; we‟re
directed to take all our dirty laundry and share it not only with deity,
but with another human being. We are told that humility requires
that we bare our naked soul to another human being.
When I reached this point in the steps, I‟m not sure if it
bothered me more because I grew up Christian, or because I was
now a Pagan. As a Christian, as a Catholic, I was used to the idea of
confession, even though I didn‟t avail myself of that particular
sacrament with any frequency. I could go to the priest in a
darkened confessional, separated by a screen of sorts, and have the
illusion that the priest didn‟t know me. I would take my shopping-
list of sins that were committed since the last time I had kneeled in
that chamber, recite them, and receive a recipe of penance which
would then absolve me of those sins. Should I die after completing
that task, I would pass the test at the gate and be welcomed into
paradise. I had some trust of those priests because I knew they
were sworn to secrecy, and that at least some priests had gone to
jail when they would not repeat what had been shared with them in
those confessionals.
However, not being a Christian when I reached Step 5, this
admission to another person served a different purpose; in this case,
I was not seeking absolution but accountability, and a real reason to
change my ways and to do better. When I did Step 5, I chose to
share this list with the sponsor who was taking me through these
steps. When I had accomplished this, I discovered a third reason to
be accountable to another human being; I discovered that what I
thought was so horrible about myself was not really that horrible,
extreme or distasteful at all. Certainly I had my share of
52 DEIRDRE HEBERT
peccadilloes, but I wasn‟t the horrible and disgusting person I had
imagined.

Admitting Our Defects Of Character To God

Many of us believe that the Gods know our hearts; while the
idea of a formal admission of our faults to deity doesn‟t sound bad,
some of us think it‟s fairly unnecessary. Why should a Goddess or
God, who are presumably omniscient, need to hear us relate some
shopping list of faults to them? “Admitting to God” sounds almost
redundant or tautological; we can‟t lie to Deity; and we would
certainly be stupid if we expected that we had a possibility of
making any divine being believe anything that is untrue! How could
we possibly admit to them anything they are unaware of? The truth
is that deity doesn‟t need us to admit anything; there is nothing that
we could say that they “need” to hear. We can‟t tell them anything
about ourselves that will surprise them. Our admission of our faults
to deity is not for the sake of deity, but for our own benefit. It‟s
important for us to hear our selves speak out loud our admission of
whatever faults we might have, whatever part of our lives are in
need of transformation, to our higher power. This admission is a
preparatory step to the step that follows – it will prepare us to
speak that truth to another human being. It plants the seed for a
very transformative process. It cultivates and fertilizes within us
that portion of our spirits that is becoming ready to be more
fruitful than we could have before imagined.
Each of the steps is foundational to the next, and admitting to
God (or rather God and Goddess) prepares us for the
transformations that will occur in Steps 6 and 7.

Admitting To Our Self

Surely this seems a simple thing; we‟ve already made the list,
we know what we‟ve done, isn‟t this already an admission? In some
respects it is, but I believe that this step speaks more of ownership
than simple admission. It implies taking responsibility for who we
are, while at the same time, not placing upon ourselves an undue
and paralyzing shame for the things we‟ve done. Most anyone who
has been addicted to any substance has done things that they could
likely be very ashamed of. If we wanted to, we could bury our
selves and wallow in that shame and decide not to go on. We could,
if we wished, feel worthless and disgusted with ourselves or,
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 53
instead we can discover within ourselves a sense of dignity, self-
respect and courage.
Dignity could be defined as proper application of pride. It
permits us to acknowledge who we are, and enables us to be ready
to accept the consequences for what we‟ve done. It allows us to
apologize when appropriate, and it doesn‟t back down from what is
right and necessary. Dignity is what is necessary to truly admit to
our selves exactly who and what we are. It‟s strange that, as was
mentioned before, often the most difficult things to admit to self
are the positive qualities.

Admitting To Another Human Being

This is an interesting part of Step 5 because it calls to mind our

Protestant tendencies. While Catholics practice a sacrament of
confession or repentance in which one admits to a priest their
faults, the Protestant tendency is to go directly to God, and not to
another human being. Many Protestants don‟t believe that
confession to a priest is necessary; nor do they believe that a priest
can offer any sort of absolution of sins. It makes a certain sense ...
if God is omniscient, doesn‟t he know anyway? And if absolution
ultimately comes from God, why should we go to a priest; why
should we need some intermediary?
As Pagans, we don‟t necessarily have the same concerns – we
don‟t stand in fear of some eternal punishment, and we have no
sacrament that allows us escape from the consequences of our
actions. So the reasoning of Protestants for avoiding the admission
of our failings to another human being does not apply to us.
Fortunately, we who are doing Step 5 are not seeking
absolution; rather, what we are seeking is accountability and the
opportunity to be honest with another human being – a quality
many of us may have been hitherto lacking. Many of us have spent
so much time and energy lying (we promised that we would quit –
that this was the last time we would get high or drunk or whatever),
that we possibly have difficulty with the truth when it is necessary;
especially when we have to be honest with regard to a fault we have.
It is far easier to ignore a situation or to lie, than to admit that
we‟ve wronged another or failed to remain sober yet again.
Being brutally honest about ourselves by relating our
shortcomings to another human being is a monumental task, but it
is one that pays off handsomely. If we can take this one step, and
be completely candid and honest in this one situation, what
possible excuse could there be for dishonesty in the future? If we
can lay bare our soiled spirit to a person whom we trust and respect,
54 DEIRDRE HEBERT
why will there ever be a need to hide dirty secrets again? Honesty is
a fundamental component of magick. We need to be able to trust
and believe our own words; words that cannot be trusted cannot be
vessels of power; they are fundamentally flawed – as ineffective as
a fork when trying to eat soup. If we have cultivated within
ourselves the ability to be completely honest, then our words are
powerful. When we cast a spell and we know, viscerally, that our
words speak only truth, that what we speak comes to definite
fruition, how much more powerful is our magick then?
Being this honest with another human being is a quantum leap
in our honesty; in our ability to have our words mean what we say.
Honest words, spoken with power, simply cannot return void. This
is a fundamental principle of magick, and it‟s a fundamental
principle that will make the Twelve Steps work for us.

With Whom Shall We Share?

Sharing our fifth Step may be one of the most important

decisions we make in our sobriety. It‟s important to come face-to-
face with another human being, but the decision of whom that will
be must be made with great wisdom. There are qualities this person
must have which will make the task easier.
The person we share all these intimate details of our lives with
must be discreet; we need to trust that what we share will go no
further. For that reason, many who do their fifth Steps often will
choose a Catholic priest who has taken a vow not to disclose what
is shared in a confessional setting. Obviously, for many Pagans, this
isn‟t an option. But fortunately, there are many Pagan clergy
available, and one might find a willing ear there. While most Pagan
clergy do not take the same vows as a Catholic priest, most will
understand the delicate nature of what is being asked of them and
will respect our wishes. Knowing the clergy person to whom we
shall share can be a benefit.
The person with whom we share should also be a person of
wisdom and integrity as well, for in our reading we might find that
some feedback will enable us to change long-time habits. Often we
find that many of the things we thought were terrible - some of the
things that made us most uncomfortable – are in no way unique
and peculiar to us. It‟s been said that “If there is a name for it,
someone else has done it. If there is a law against it, lots of people
have done it.” None of us are unique, and that sort of feedback can
be very beneficial.
The person with whom we share should be a humble person.
There is nothing worse than sharing our most intimate of issues
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 55
than doing so with someone who will use this as an opportunity to
engage in one-upmanship. It‟s good to hear that we aren‟t alone,
but having it become a competition defeats the purpose of the
exercise.
For many, the person we share with will be our sponsors. If
we‟ve chosen wisely in obtaining a sponsor, we have already
developed a relationship with her or him. They have likely seen us
at our worst, or we‟ve already shared with them a good portion of
our past misery. Their job is to help us grow, and sharing our 5th
Step will be simply another tool to help us on that pathway. Some
sponsors may not be comfortable in that role, but they might be
able to direct us to another person who is.
Many of us have committed crimes. We might be discouraged
from sharing with another if, for example, they are a law
enforcement officer or a mandated reporter. That‟s understandable.
But it‟s also important to remember that part of recovery is taking
responsibility for all our actions. We may wish to put off that
responsibility for a while, but any good sponsor, especially a good
Pagan sponsor, will remind you that in the end, all debts must be
paid.
In any case, there is someone with whom we can share. If you
are reading this text, someone near you is willing and able to help
you with Step 5.
56 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 5 Practical Application

Many of us who have experienced addiction have developed a

habit in which we try to maintain some outer sense of control – we
have lost integrity because what we do and what we say are very
different things indeed. To be truly integrated beings, our actions
must be in harmony with our words. Speaking about our actions
and motivation to another human being is a tool that begins to lead
us in that direction. There is likely no greater tool to achieve
personal integrity than to be accountable to another human being.
No other form of motivation is more powerful over our intentions
than to know that we will not only be confronted with the things
we have done, but we will speak them, to somebody else, with our
own mouths.
In this sense, Step 5 is one of the most profound tools for
personal transformation in existence. It brings us to an
understanding of integrity which may have been missing in most of
our lives.
Many of us recoil at the thought of expressing our peccadilloes,
let alone far greater failings, to another person. It makes us
uncomfortable – we feel ashamed, embarrassed, a failure. But to
use a metaphor, let‟s pretend that we have a classic car, maybe a „65
Mustang. It‟s worth a great deal of money, but unfortunately,
whoever painted it last did a poor job. We might keep it shiny, but
unless something is done about that poor paint job, the car will rust.
And our classic car may deteriorate right before our eyes. The first
step of restoring that car is to strip all that old paint off so that a
new and proper coat of primer and paint can be applied.
In achieving personal integrity, that first step is stripping
ourselves bare so that we can see what is truly beneath the facade.
Getting honest, first with Deity, and then with another human
being is that “stripping of the paint”. We feel exposed because we
are exposed. But once so laid bare, we‟re able to clothe ourselves
with truth rather than a false image. We need no longer pretend,
but we can live with integrity and truth as the motivating factors of
our lives.
One of the realities about the Twelve Step programs is that few
people ever fully commit to paper their fourth step. Some may go
part way, but many will skip a great number of the more
embarrassing details, precisely because they know that in Step 5, if
they wish to assiduous about this program, they will have to be
honest with another human being. The irony is that omission
during Steps 4 and 5 doesn‟t constitute a lie or a failure to anyone
but ourselves. These steps are the first moments in our lives in our
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 57
endeavor to make honesty and accountability guiding principles
rather than merely lofty but unattainable goals in our lives.
We may gloss over parts of our lives when doing Step 4. We
may skip over some embarrassing lines when reading Step 5 to
another human being. But doing so means that we are still hiding,
we are still being dishonest, and we still lack integrity. And it is
indeed perilous try to convince ourselves that we have actually
completed these steps while knowing that we have lied, once again,
to ourselves. If this is the sort of behavior we are engaging in while
doing the steps, we are engaging in the same behavior that
compelled us to tell our loved ones that “we won‟t drink again” (or
drug again or whatever habit we might have had). When we gloss
over our past, we skimp on our path to sobriety, at our own peril.
58 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 5 Ritual

Because there are a number of different approaches to Step 4,

when we reach Step 5, the amount of content people have can vary
quite a lot. Some of us come into Step 5 with a few sheets of paper,
while others have full notebooks or even binders. A shorter list
doesn‟t mean that one skimped – it may simply be a different
method of accounting. Where some people simply write down
what their failings are, others take note of each instance of each
failing that they can remember, writing down the who, what, when,
where and why of each and every instance. In any case, this ritual
may take longer to accomplish depending on how much you have
to read. If it will take you hours or days, you may wish to spread
this out over a period of time.
First, obtain an image of the deity with whom you wish to
share your inventory. This may be a statue, a painting or some
other image. You may be indoors or out, depending on how you
typically approach your deity, but it should be in a private setting,
outside the ear-shot of others, and away from the noises of the city.
Meditating on the image of your deity, visualize yourself in
their actual presence – see not the image, but the Goddess or the
God you are working with. Explain your purpose: that you are here
to expose your true self with the hope of living with real integrity.
As you begin to read, do so with your ears open to what your
Goddess or God has to say in return. In doing this reading, do so
aloud, as it will be done with another human being. We are
preparing our self, forming the words, making the sounds – much
as an actress does when rehearsing her lines.
When you speak to Deity, you may wish to have another
notebook with you to write down their comments to you. They
may have suggestions as to how you might avoid the situations or
circumstances that led you to such errors in the future. They may
have advice as to how you might reconcile with people you may
have harmed. Communication with Deity should always be a
dialogue. If we speak, but don‟t listen, we are missing out on the
most important part of the exchange.
Having had a dialogue with our Goddess or our God, we have
now prepared our self to engage with another human being. We
have already spoken the words, and the second time we do
something, it is often easier than the first. When performing this
ritual, you may bring some object with you – perhaps a stone or a
crystal – or you may find one where you are actually performing
this ritual. If you need some object to touch, which will give you
courage when finding the person with whom to share, or in the
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 59
actual sharing of your writing, ask your Deity to bless this object
for you, and keep it with you for the task ahead.
When you have concluded, thank your Goddess or God for
being there and hearing your words.
60 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 6

Were entirely ready to effect, with the help of Deity, a

profound change in our character.

When we approach Step 6, we have, by this time, been granted

a gift of humility. We have examined our self, we have come to
terms with the fact that we have weaknesses, and while doing so,
have discovered that we aren‟t devoid of a significant reserve of
strength as well. We have learned that real and true humility
requires that we acknowledge strength as well as weakness. We are
becoming more integrated, more possessing of integrity. But now,
being faced with our deficiencies, we become ready to transform
our selves to make of our lives what they can be – to weave in the
missing colors in the tapestry that is our lives, to clean away and to
correct what is deficient or worn. In Step 6, we recognize that
while we may not be able to change our character with the power
of will alone, we are willing to effect, with the help of the
Goddesses and the Gods, such changes that could bring our
actions to accord with our highest will. We become prepared to
pray, or possibly to work some magick.
My prayers, at one point in my life, were for a desire for
change. I knew that there were things in my life that needed to
change, and I wanted to want to change, but didn‟t know how to
summon the actual desire for change. This is our goal in Step 6; we
are seeking in earnest that desire that will bring about
transformation. Though this seems like a simple process,
something that we can achieve by simple intellectual assent or by
voicing our desire, it is a great deal more than this. Once again, it
can‟t be a casual admission, but to have any significant effect, it
needs to be expressed with honesty, sincerity and feeling.
I have stated that the Twelve Steps are a form of magick
because I believe that‟s precisely what they are. Each step either
prepares us, raises energy, or directs energy, and finally as we shall
see if we complete them, in the last step we will ground our selves
through our work with others. Step 6 is one in which energy is
raised for use in the following step. The amount of energy that we
permit ourselves to raise through the act of becoming entirely
ready to experience a transformative change will have a direct
impact on our ability to experience that change. The tool of choice
in Step 6 is meditation; we need to find within ourselves the desire
to change. We might at this point gather up the inventory that we
completed in Step 4 and look for those things that will indicate to
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 61
us our need for transformation. As Pagans, we should also look at
our strengths and become entirely ready to have these bolstered as
well, and to become ready to commit to their use once we begin
our process of transformation.
Each of us who has joined a Twelve Step program has done so
because some part of our life has been unmanageable or
unworkable. One of the most common comments heard in the
rooms of recovery is “it just wasn‟t working anymore”. We
recognized and admitted this in the very first step. As we have
progressed, we have learned that one single area of unmanageability
– our addiction, compulsion or habit – was not a solitary issue. It
affected all (or at very least many) areas of our lives … and so we
discovered in Step 4 that we had many other aspects of our lives
that required change in order to make our lives more fulfilling.
Willingness is not always the easiest state of being to achieve.
Many of us who were addicted to a substance or activity, long
before we actually did something about it, can recall a time in our
lives in which we knew that what we were doing was harming us –
we knew it was wrong and contrary to the highest good for our
lives, but we couldn‟t find or muster within us the desire to quit. It
was as if we “wanted to want” to quit but had no idea how to
simply want it. This is what Step 6 is about – it‟s about discovering
willingness.
Nothing ever begins in our own lives, by our own hands, until
we have achieved a state of willingness. Unless we are unconscious
and some medical procedure is performed to save our life,
physicians require our permission to perform a procedure. If we
are sued for failure to pay a creditor, the judge will most often see a
contract we signed, indicating our assent to either pay, or to be
subjected to legal proceedings; we might feel as if we are being
coerced, but we were initially willing and we were the initiators on
at least some level. When we get a license to drive a vehicle, we are
agreeing to follow the rules of the road; we are also willing to
assume the very real risks in doing so. In each of these cases, and
many more in our lives, we have stated that we are ready, willing, to
follow the rules, and to accept whatever consequences may follow
should we fail to adhere to those rules or if we are injured through
some accident or through neglect by another. Whether we admit it
or not, we consented – we were willing.
Likewise, when we achieve something of note we demonstrate
willingness. The runner who completes a marathon had previously
become willing to endure a great amount of physical distress –
physical pain is part and parcel of the necessarily rigorous training
for such events as is evidenced by the number of runners who
62 DEIRDRE HEBERT
must ice their knees to reduce swelling, who collapse out of
exhaustion and so on. But they demonstrate this willingness
because the prize attained at the end, even if it is merely completing
such an arduous event, is deemed worthwhile. Those who design
and build our great buildings and bridges and other structures,
while not enduring physical discomfort as a runner or some other
athlete, still demonstrate willingness in that they have taken on
whatever the task may be. We all need to make a decision and to
come to a state of willingness before we are able to achieve
anything. There are few occasions in human existence where
willingness is unnecessary or which plays no part, and most such
moments are quite likely to be very unpleasant. The person in a
persistent vegetative state, a prisoner of war ... individuals such as
these are likely to experience fewer opportunities to demonstrate
willingness than most of us, as their ability to act autonomously is
severely restricted. But each and every act that we initiate is
preceded by some state of willingness, some choice that we have
made to perform an act or to accept the resulting consequences
from a failure to have taken some action.
The task at hand with Step 6 is the readiness to experience
transformation. We are presented with the opportunity, having
discovered our weaknesses in Step 4 and having admitted them to
Deity and another human being in Step 5, to begin to work toward
a new life which is unfettered and unhindered by those weaknesses.
Through the transformative Magick of these Twelve Steps and with
the help of Deity, we are presented with the means and the
opportunity to adopt a way of life which removes the yoke of
inability. But means and opportunity are not sufficient. These stand
before us, as a gift in the hands of a friend; they are offered only,
but not forced upon us. If we wish to avail ourselves of this
opportunity, we must extend our hands as well and take ownership
of that which is offered. That is the essence of willingness as it
applies in Step 6.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 63
Step 6 Practical Application

The practical result of Step 6 is the knowledge that willingness

is an essential component in each and every action that we take –
even if that action seems, at first blush, accidental. It implies
responsibility as well as desire in just about everything we are likely
to experience.
Using the experience of driving an automobile again, if we get
behind the wheel of a car, we have become willing to accept the
responsibility and the consequences of doing so. There can be no
personally mitigating factors. (While insurance companies and
courts may find us not at fault in certain circumstances, whatever
does happen to us, we have ultimate spiritual responsibility simply
because we have placed ourselves in whatever situations we
discover ourselves in.) If we discover that it‟s icy … we were
willing; we got behind the wheel. If we were tired, or under the
influence … we were willing under those circumstances. We find
that sometimes, we try to weasel out of our responsibility – we
might suggest that we were unaware of conditions, but we all know
that weather or driving conditions can change. We can‟t blame a
change in weather conditions for our desire to experience
something. The failure to take into account the possibility of
changing conditions is itself a choice, and it is a choice that many
of us make relatively often.
And just as willingness is implied when we experience negative
consequences, so is it necessary if we are to experience anything
that is good in our lives. We require willingness to experience
growth and positive change. The difference, as it applies to
personal transformation rather than an activity such as driving an
automobile, is that we are using it to effect a change in our being.
We are looking for something much more significant than going to
the store for a carton of milk. Here in Step 6 we are becoming
willing with full knowledge that our lives are about to change, and
this can be a terrifying proposition. But it is much more than a
simple adventure – it is a rite of passage. For many, it is the first
time in our lives that we look to the future and say, rather than
“What do I want to do?” … “Who do I desire to be?”
We have before us our inventory with both sides of the ledger
in plain view; in black ink and red. Now it‟s time to begin the vitally
important task of balancing the books. It is our choice, right now,
to begin the work, or to close the book and wait for some future
date. But as any business owner knows, closing the book does not
mean that creditors will cease calling. All debts become due and
payable, and in our lives, our weaknesses do not transform of their
64 DEIRDRE HEBERT
own accord. We do not change who we are until we are willing to
do so.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 65
Step 6 Ritual

Our ritual in step 6 will be an exercise in mindfulness. We will

pick one day in the near future in which we examine how our wills
determine each and every action we take. In so doing, we will learn
that we have a great deal more influence and authority over our
own lives than we might have suspected prior to this exercise.

Preparation

Choose the day on which you will perform this ritual. Try to
choose for yourself a day in which nothing else is planned. To
make this easier, have your meals prepared (or at least have the
ingredients at hand with which to prepare your meals). Try to
choose a place where you can be alone and undisturbed for the
entire day. The reason why you might wish to have meals planned,
and why you wish not to be disturbed will be more apparent as you
discover the goal of the day.
If you have never practiced mindfulness meditation, or at least
not on a regular basis, you might wish to avoid driving during your
first attempts. It is difficult, at first, to practice this sort of
mindfulness while operating a vehicle or operating dangerous
machinery. But as you practice mindfulness and make it a part of
your spiritual practice, you may find that it will actually improve
your ability to perform and appreciate everyday tasks.

A Day Of Mindfulness

The goal of this one-day ritual is to be mindful that willingness

is required for each and every action no matter how mundane or
banal, that you perform. As you spend this day you will be in
constant meditation. For some, this may be a form of meditation
that you are not familiar with, but it is meditation. You will likely
begin your day by waking in your bed. Be mindful that even the
simple action of rolling on to your side to silence the alarm requires
a degree of willingness to reach over to the clock and to press the
button – you could just lay there until it silenced itself, but you
choose not to, and you will yourself to act. Choosing which button
to press was an exercise in will – you could have pressed the
snooze button instead of the one which completely silences the
alarm.
As you go about your day, take the time to be contemplative,
and notice that before each and every conscious act that you
66 DEIRDRE HEBERT
perform, you are making a choice – you are becoming willing to do
each act. When it‟s time for breakfast, notice that you feel hunger,
and that you have become willing to satisfy that hunger. You choose
to eat something, so you become willing to go to your kitchen – you
become willing to open the pantry door, and do so; you become
willing to look to the cereal, and do so; you become willing to take
the cereal from the pantry, and do so; to pour some into the bowl,
and do so. Likewise, retrieving the milk from the refrigerator, a
bowl from the cupboard, a spoon from the drawer – each and
every action requires willingness. And then it is time to eat the cereal.
You become willing to put the spoon into the bowl, and do so. You
become willing to lift some of the cereal to your mouth, and do so.
You become willing to open your mouth, to insert the spoon, to
close your lips, and to remove the spoon, and do each of these in
turn. Then you become willing to chew, and to swallow. When you
have finished breakfast, you become willing to place the used bowl in
the sink or dishwasher, and you will either to wash it then, or take
care of it later. Take the time at each and every juncture to notice
well your own willingness. Examine that willingness – what does it feel
like? What does it look like. You may discover that willingness is becoming
real and tangible to you.
At some point in the morning you may choose to shower.
Again, take note of each action, and the willingness which precedes it.
You become willing to turn the faucets on, to check the temperature
of the water, to undress and enter the shower, to towel off and dry
yourself, to find clean clothes to wear. At each and every juncture
willingness and a decision to act, is involved.
You may choose to watch a movie, or listen to some music
during the day, and each and every separate action that leads up to
doing so is a separate, individual choice. You will to look at your
collection of movies or music, and do so. You will to permit your
eyes to focus on a single selection, and do so. You will to retrieve a
selection and to look at its content, and do so. You may like that
selection, and will to watch or listen, or you may not, and will to
return it to your library, and do accordingly. Then you will to put
the selection in your player and do so.
You may choose to take a walk somewhere, and in doing so
you notice that again that each and every step involved in taking a
walk is an act of will. You will to put on a jacket if it‟s cold, and do
so (as well as clothes and sneakers if you haven‟t done so yet). You
will to go to the door and do so – to open the door and do so. And
each and every step that you take along your walk is an act of will –
a decision made, and only after that will is the next step taken in
the direction chosen.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 67
As you go about your day and continue to practice and notice
your willingness, you just might notice that prior to having become
willing, you have chosen to be willing. You have now discovered
the hidden secret that is the key and the solution to the vexing
difficulty of “wanting to want” – that feeling that was so key to
urging each of us toward what we were all looking for when we
first realized that our lives had become unmanageable. You have
finally found that the pathway to willingness is not through fate or
chance, it‟s not something that is attainable to those fortunate few,
but it is something that is ultimately under your own control. You
have held the keys all along, and you no longer need to search for
them.
At the end of the day, you can conclude the ritual of
mindfulness by closing your eyes and willing a peaceful slumber.
68 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 7

Humbly implored Deity to help us effect that change.

It‟s curious that step seven is the shortest in number of words

of all the twelve steps, yet it has the most remarkable impact of all
the steps thus far in our recovery. The preceding steps have
prepared us for what will ultimately result in a dramatic
transformation in our beings. We have, to this point, discovered
that our lives are unmanageable, that there is a way out, and a path
to a healthy life; we‟ve taken stock of exactly who we are, and who
we might become. We‟ve come to accept that we could change and
have become willing to have our weaknesses transformed. Here in
Step 7 we finally look to Deity in humility, strength and confidence
and say “Please furnish me with the strength to change my inner
nature in accordance with my highest will.” There is a passage in
the Christian Bible where a man was imploring Jesus to heal his
son. Jesus said that if the man would but believe, his son would be
healed. The man was concerned because Jesus‟ disciples were
unable to help, but still he suspected Jesus might be able to, and
the man replied “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”
At this stage of our recovery, we might be something like that
man. We have become willing to change, we have become willing
to seek the assistance of Deity, and intellectually we comprehend
that the strength and wherewithal to change does exist – we have
seen the transformation in our peers. But still we have a suspicion
that somehow this power might be unreachable or unattainable in
our own lives. However, the story with Jesus didn‟t end with that
man‟s comments. Jesus cured that boy and made him whole. Just as
the Christian God is willing to work miracles when his believers are
quite nearly hopeless, we are able to seek Divine assistance from
our own Goddesses and Gods.
Step 7 does demonstrate some major difference between
Christian and Pagan thought and history. One of the problems that
Pagans have is also one of our more liberating benefits. The
problem is the lack of an authoritative text. Christians are able to
read and to believe specific acts that have been performed, by their
God, on their behalf. They are able to take on faith that these
works are accurate and true. As Pagans, we don‟t have that. In a
sense, we need to trust in ourselves and in Deity even more than
does the Christian.
Another difference between Christians and Pagans revolves
around the nature of sin. In Christian reasoning, our defects are
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 69
simply evils that may be plucked out from an individual by God.
They are blemishes to be dissolved; malignancies, tumors and
defects to be extracted. In the story above, the boy was plagued by
demons and Christ healed the boy by exorcising those demons.
However, we realize that what the Christian calls a defect is really
nothing but the other side of something that is necessary; it is a
much-needed part of our self that has, for whatever reason, been
permitted to run amok. So rather than asking to have those defects
simply removed, we seek the transformative power of deity to
bring these “defects” back to their right use; to transform our
weaknesses as RuneWolf would say.
We also see once again, that word “humble”, and hopefully, at
this point in our recovery, we have come to an understanding of
humility which does not leave us confusing true humility with that
self-effacing sort of false humility that is suggested by much of
popular culture. We understand that humility does not imply a lack
of strength, and we know that Deity will not simply lift most
challenges from us. We will need to work quite hard, perhaps as
hard as we‟ve worked on anything prior to this point, but we will
be given the strength to accomplish any transformation that we are
willing to work for.
We can look to the Gods and Goddesses for examples of
humility. The stories of the Gods are replete with tales of greatness
and sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is the ultimate expression of humility
because it places great value on something other than the individual.
There is a story of how Odin hung upon a tree for nine days,
wounded with a spear, without food or drink, as a sacrifice in order
to obtain the Runes. He felt that the wisdom of the runes was
worth the sacrifice. Humility is the honest recognition of what we
possess within us, as well as what we do not. Odin, seeking greater
wisdom, demonstrated such humility by recognizing that there was
something he desired – some improvement within him – that was
worthy of suffering.
We also recall the Charge of the Goddess at this point, when
the Goddess said “If that which thou seekest, thou findest not
within thee, thou wilt never find it without ...”(1), and know that
while the assistance to change our lives exists, that the willingness,
and the power to overcome the inertia of stillness exist within us
alone. We need to open our mouths, to ask; we need to know that
change is afoot, we need the will to change, and we need to dare to
act according to that change. The Goddesses and the Gods will not
change us without our cooperation, but they will act with our
cooperation to help us achieve more than we could ever hope to
manage through our own strength and will alone.
70 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 7 Practical Application

In Step 5, when we admitted our wrongs to our higher power,

we opened our ears as well as our mouths. We didn‟t simply read a
laundry list of defects to our particular Goddess or God, but we
strove for some sort of dialogue. If we did listen, and if we wrote
the words that were spoken to us, we may have some clues as to
how we might begin to achieve this transformation we are seeking.
Even if we didn‟t, it‟s likely that we‟ve come to a new
understanding of prayer and meditation by the time we‟ve achieved
this step. If so, then we can spend time in quiet meditation and ask,
once again for this insight. If not, then this is a good time to seek
that understanding. The ultimate goal of these steps is a spiritual
transformation, and such transformations do not come about
without an understanding of prayer and meditation.
Step 7, from a Pagan perspective, is not a passive experience.
We have finally come to the point where our lives are now
meaningful to us in a far deeper sense than ever before, and likely
to those around us as well. Many people, when they have reached
Step 7, are realizing that they are being asked to take on more
responsibilities than they had in quite some time. Our changes are
becoming evident to those around us as well. We are now at a
point in our lives where action is required in both our personal and
our spiritual lives.
It‟s time to now accept the responsibility that comes with the
recognition being given us by our peers, and to begin to transform
all the areas of our lives that are in need of change. Where before
we had been unreliable, late or absent from work, we are now
showing up on a regular basis. Our children no longer wonder if
we‟ll pick them up from school, or worry about what mood we
might be in when, and if we arrive. But these are all things that are
expected and required from any nominally functional member of
society. In Step 7, we begin to change; no longer to be merely
nominally functional, but to be able to exhibit in our own lives the
characteristics that we so admire in those individuals we consider
extraordinary: the charity of Mother Theresa, the courage of
Gandhi, the legendary truthfulness of George Washington. We may
not achieve in this life the levels of those we so admire, but we can
begin to walk those roads. We can model that type of behavior for
those around us – for our neighbors, for our children, and we can
begin to “be the change we wish to see in the world.”(2)
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 71
Step 7 Ritual

This, as are all rituals in this book, is meant as a starting point.

These are suggestions, and you are free to modify whatever you see
here as you wish. Because fire is involved in this ritual, weather,
where you live, local codes and other circumstances may dictate
that you adapt this ritual a bit. This particular ritual was the one
that I used some years ago, and I did it out of doors in a forested
area. If you choose to do the same, please be careful with the
burning paper, and take measures to insure that no bits of
smoldering paper will fly out of your control and start a fire. If you
do decide to perform this ritual outside with fire, please be sure to
bring a fire extinguisher or sufficient water to put out any fire that
might be sparked. Be sure to clear any brush from the area before
you start a fire, and don‟t do this particular ritual on a very dry or
windy day.
To perform this ritual, you will need some paper (parchment
paper is best, but other heavy paper such as card stock will work
well), a small cauldron (something that will not burn or melt), a
glass bowl or other container, a pen, a candle, matches, a small
shovel or garden tool, and possibly a stone surface on which to
work. You should have an outdoor place to work – somewhere
that is open to the sky. You will be watching the smoke that you
create for this ritual, and it is important to see it rise up and
dissipate. The ritual may be done inside, but be sure that a window
is open, that you won‟t be setting off any smoke alarms.
First, on a piece of parchment (or whatever type of paper you
have chosen), write down each of the weaknesses you have
identified in yourself during the inventory conducted in Step 4,
leaving room to tear each one individually from that parchment.
Once you have completed your list, tear out each item from the
parchment (or cut them out with scissors if that‟s easier for you),
and put them in the small bowl.
Light the small candle, and if it will not remain lighted due to a
breeze, place it inside the cauldron. (If it‟s too breezy even for that,
then it‟s probably too breezy to perform this ritual out-doors, and
perhaps you should wait for some less windy day.) Now, one by
one, take the individual pieces of parchment from the bowl and
look at the character trait or “defect”, and imagine what useful
purpose it serves. For example, eating too much – what was listed
among the Seven Deadly Sins as gluttony. We all have a need for
food, and it is instinct to make sure that we have enough. At times,
we may have gone longer than we should have without a decent
meal. As children, especially if we grew up in a poor family,
72 DEIRDRE HEBERT
perhaps rather than having regular healthy snacks, we may have
only had one or two real meals per day. For some of us, even that
might have been a luxury! Perhaps our body still remembers
childhood hunger, and rather than eating healthy portions during
meals, with healthy snacks between, we eat more than our fair
share. Concentrate on the fact that your body is still trying to take
care of itself, but needs to re-learn some mechanism that will help
you to eat in a more healthy fashion. Then, take the parchment
with those words, and light it with the candle. Hold it in your
fingers for as long as it is safe, watching it burn. (Hint: If you hold
it to the side or with the paper above your fingers, you will be able
to do so longer. Holding it facing down, with your fingers above
will help it burn faster.) When it is almost burned away, place the
remainder in your fire-safe cauldron. As you watch the paper
transform into ash and smoke, visualize your “defect” also
transforming into its more healthy alternative. The magick here is
potent – we are using the transformation of physical objects into
energy and another physical form to help us transform our
character.
At the end of the ritual, once you have burned each piece of
paper and you are certain that nothing is left smoldering, take your
garden tool or small shovel and dig a small hole near a tree in
which to bury the ashes from your ritual. If you performed this
ritual in your home, maybe you can place the ashes with in the soil
of some potted plant you have. Perhaps you might get a new plant
that will live for some time. If you can, try to remember the
location where you bury these ashes, and visit it every now and
again during your sobriety to see how it has changed, and reflect on
the changes in your own life. Change is one of the constants in all
of our lives – nothing ever remains the same. Even from day to day,
a great deal of change takes place whether it‟s detectable to our
eyes or not. Our choice, with regard to change, is whether we will
direct that change or simply permit it to happen to us. With ritual,
we are directing, we are choosing, we are initiating, and that is a
much better way to approach our lives.
Being passive, as many of us are, suggests that we have given
up – that our life is less than important to us. It is a symptom of
the disease process that we are trying to cure in the here and now.
Those of us who used substances in the past can well remember
the days, when high or drunk or somehow or other in an altered
state, we had our dreams of grandeur in which we were the top
dogs with the world at our feet. Or, as a co-dependent, perhaps we
had dreams of how we would change our loved one, to fix what
was wrong. But in the end it was all a passive endeavor, and we
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 73
really never dealt with the true essence of our difficulties, which
was always within us.
Magick is not a passive endeavor – it requires tremendous
focus and energy. It is an active force designed to bring about real
effects. When we learn magick, we learn transformative techniques,
and strangely enough we discover that the true secret to changing
the world comes from changing the way we view the world. The
true secret of changing our self is in changing the way we see our
self. The true secret to changing another person is to change the
way we see that other person. And the most important secret, after
all the transformation in our self, is to recognize what we have
power to change and to accept the rest as exactly how it is
supposed to be.
(1) Doreen Valiente, The Charge of the Goddess
(2) Mahatma Ghandi
74 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 8

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became

willing to make amends to them all.

How can we come to know all of the people we may have

harmed? Many of us will have completed some sort of list when we
worked through Step 4; others of us will have merely compiled a
list of traits that we know need to be changed. There will be some
difference in Step 8 which depends on how we did the previous
steps, but the real focus in Step 8 isn‟t the simple task of
accounting – it‟s in recognizing what we have done to others,
achieving some level of empathy toward them, and becoming
willing to do something about it.
The difficulties that we have caused some individuals are
blatantly obvious: if we‟ve stolen from them, if we assaulted them,
if we cheated on our spouse or padded expense accounts; each of
these things is an obvious wrong. Anyone who has suffered some
sort of addiction has likely fallen short of Asatru‟s Nine Noble
Virtues of Courage, Truth, Honor, Fidelity, Discipline, Hospitality,
Industriousness, Self-Reliance, and Perseverance. We who have
suffered addiction have likely caused unnecessary harm to others
and have shown little regard for the Wiccan Rede.
Pagans typically claim to have a reverence for Nature; might
not Nature be included in the list of those we may have harmed?
What of ourselves? If we have spent years living in a state of defeat,
having become subservient to the obsession of drugs or alcohol,
we have certainly harmed ourselves. If we have been the enablers,
even unwittingly, of another person‟s habits – does that warrant
some sort of amends? If we are dedicated to a particular goddess or
god, might we also offer them some sort of amends?
Most of us, when new to sobriety, may feel that we‟ve really
caused little harm to others. We might imagine that because we
were still able to pay our bills, to care for our children, to make it to
work on time and work all the hours that were required of us, to
nominally fulfill what was required of us, we had really caused
harm to none but ourselves. But upon completing Step 4, we
should have a much better idea of the wreckage we‟ve left in our
wake. We may be getting an idea that a passing ship may not collide
with another, but it can leave behind a wake that impacts
everything around it. A ship too close to shore or moving too
quickly can cause damage to smaller vessels moored nearby. While
we were in the midst of our illness, we may have been like that ship,
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 75
moving at full-speed, oblivious to the damage that was being left in
our wake.
Now having discovered sobriety and having committed to
changing our lives, we are faced with the difficult task of taking
ownership and responsibility for the damage we have left behind us.
The temptation is great to “let sleeping dogs lie” – to move ahead
with our new lives and not to bring up the past. While we‟ve
admitted our wrongdoings to our self, to Deity, and to another
human being, we are faced presently with a task that seems far
more difficult – that of being honest to those whom we have
wronged.
However, the wisdom that is built into each of these steps is
remarkable. This step involves “making a list of those we harmed”,
and becoming willing to make such amends as may be due. We can
rest and take a breath and recognize that we aren‟t just to go out
and approach each and everyone we‟ve harmed, right now. The
task at hand is to become willing, to prepare ourselves, to create a
plan. We can remember back to our ritual of willingness in which
we recognized that each and every task we perform, each
movement, each conscious thought is preceded by an act of
willingness – and that willingness itself may be preceded by an act
of will. Having been diligent thus far, we may be noticing
something interesting about these steps. They never urge us to
action without the preparation necessary to insure that action will
bring about satisfactory results; they never call us to do something
that will place us in a state of peril or danger. Before any course of
action is undertaken, we have thought about it and prepared for it.
Unlike those days in the midst of our illness, we don‟t simply do or
act – we think, we prepare, we plan, we become willing, and then,
when all is in place, we execute our plan. And right now, we are
planning and working toward making direct amends to those
whom we have caused harm by whatever addictive behavior it was
that we had engaged in.
It might make sense at this point to consider our motives for
putting particular individuals on the list, and to consider just how
we will make these amends. If we consider our motives, it will go
much easier for us when it comes time to address each instance.
Any of us can have selfish or selfless motives. If our motives are
selfish, if our purpose for making amends is to “show them we‟ve
changed, and that now, we are deserving of their respect”, then
we‟re not really ready to make amends. We‟re simply seeking our
own gratification – and that is a behavior we‟ve already engaged in
many times in the past. Becoming willing to make amends involves
an act of selflessness and being ready to accept the consequences
76 DEIRDRE HEBERT
for what we‟ve done. There is more than a fair chance that our
attempts at making amends with certain people will result in harsh
words from them. They might rebuff our efforts, they might greet
us with anger when they see us, and we might find that we‟re met
with doors shut in our faces. Will we be ready for this? Are we
prepared to face such situations with calmness and acceptance? Are
we ready to recognize the justness of the other individual‟s position,
and to accept their words with dignity and with respect?
And what of the amends we may owe nature? How can we
possibly offer amends to the Earth? In what ways might we have
harmed her? In what ways might our using have offended her? I
don‟t know about anyone else, but when my mind wasn‟t working
properly, I was fairly destructive and wasteful; that‟s certainly one
sort of offense. Even if I thought I was environmentally conscious
when using, might such using have had an effect on the
environment? How many acres of woodland and rainforest are
used today for growing illegal drugs; how many acres are simply
burned to make way for providing us with more marijuana, cocaine,
and opium? Don‟t we actually contribute to deforestation when we
use? How many parties might we have attended in the woods and
secluded areas, leaving messes and broken bottles and the like?
Consuming a case per day of beer, are we really considering
recycling? What about our cigarettes ... how many butts actually
make it into a proper receptacle, compared to the number we toss
on the ground? Have we really been driving a vehicle that is
environmentally sound, or have we ignored oil leaks, poor mileage
and the like because we had “better” things to spend our money on?
The point of this step isn‟t to beat ourselves up, but it‟s to
become willing to look at us and our relationships honestly, and to
become willing to take responsibility for our actions or our inaction,
and to do better in the future. We aren‟t to become morose, but to
be honest and responsible people, part of a community, and to live
with integrity, recognizing when we have harmed another and to
act promptly when we have. By becoming willing to make amends
to each of those we have harmed in the past, we are setting as well
a pattern for the future; no longer will we be the foolish one who
upon breaking something in someone‟s home or shop, will stand
there in front of the evidence and say “It wasn‟t me.”
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 77
Step 8 Practical Application

When we have reached Step 8, we are finally beginning to see

just how much our personal behavior is able to affect the lives of
those around us – positively or negatively. “No man is an island,”
and as such, each and every action we take influences the lives of
those around us. We may have heard of the butterfly effect, which
suggests that the breeze or the turbulence of the wings of a
butterfly, while having a small effect on the local environment,
could have dramatic consequences in the future. Chaos theory
suggests that a very small change in initial conditions can have a
remarkable dynamic effect in the future. Some people say that the
effects of alcoholism or addiction can influence our families for a
number of generations.
It is in Step 8 that we become willing to see how much of an
effect we have had on our environment – of family, friends, co-
workers, neighbors and all those we have touched in our lives. Also,
here we then become willing to make whatever amends are due
each of them.
In Step 8, we are developing traits of character that will serve
us throughout the rest of our lives – we are further developing our
integrity, and we are developing the capacity to be responsible for
our actions. When we have this capacity to see where and when we
have harmed another, we can begin to develop another, very useful
skill – to think ahead. As addicts and alcoholics and enablers – each
of us has been acting out of reaction or control, but always with the
intent of making our own life easier to live. Having been faced with
our own seemingly insurmountable difficulties, we now see that the
solution for our personal lives may have made life exceptionally
difficult for others. In looking at this – in going through the
process of seeing exactly how our choices have been injurious to
others, we have a tool that is of almost incalculable value – we can
see, with the lens of the past, how our actions in the future might
affect others. Not only are we able to see how we have harmed
others – we are able to predict how our current actions might harm
others in the future, and more importantly – we can avoid any such
action in the future. Having had the opportunity to see how our
actions have affected the lives of others is the pearl of great price
that we have found in the wreckage of our past. The price has been
paid, in part, by others – and in Step 8, we become willing, through
the offering of amends to those who have already paid their share,
to step up and pay our own arrears.
78 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 8 Ritual

Our ritual in Step 8 is one in which we seek clearer vision to

know who it is that we have harmed in our past and to see what
damage has been left in our wake. We naturally want to know how
far that damage extends, because this knowledge will help us to
know what might be required to right such wrongs.
We‟re all familiar with family trees. They can be depicted in a
number of ways, but one popular way to draw them places us at
the center, with our family radiating about us in a great circle. The
closer we are to the center of our circle, the closer we are to our
selves; as we move farther out toward the more distant leaves we
move back in time.
We can also construct a tree of influence. This is like a family
tree, but instead of moving back in time, we move outward in our
relations. In our inner circle, we have our self. Moving out is our
immediate family, consisting of us, our spouse, our children –
those who live in the same home as us. Then we might have our
parents, brothers and sisters and possibly our friends and co-
workers, or fellow students if we‟re still in school. Moving out to
increasingly distant levels, we might have cousins, grandparents, the
families of our friends, schoolmates or co-workers.
What we will do in this ritual is to get a large piece of paper
and construct such a tree of influence. If you can find a white
paper table cloth, that will work well – or perhaps a sheet of news
print or craft paper. Whatever sort of paper that it is that you use, it
should be a single piece of paper, or failing that, a number of sheets
that will remain connected together.
You will also need some sort of container large enough to fit
your final work into – a large basin, your bathtub, plastic sandbox,
etc. (If you can‟t find a container large enough, then a piece of
plastic large enough to place the paper in, on level ground with the
edges of the plastic raised, will also work.) You will also need some
water-soluble ink, dye, or food coloring.
After spending some time in meditation looking for where in
your life you may have harmed another, begin to create your circle
with a pen, pencil or marker. Place yourself in the center and then
move outward until you can think of all those who you may have
directly influenced in your life. This may take a great deal of time.
You aren‟t here thinking of how you may have harmed people –
just those you have influenced, those who you have had contact
with. Nor is accuracy important here – if a person should have
been in an inner circle and you think of them later, just put them
where you can.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 79
When the circle is complete, look at it and see how many lives
you have influenced just by being here on this Earth. Recognize
also that this circle is likely incomplete – we know few of the
people on the road with us when we drive, those on an airplane
when we fly, but we touch many, many lives. However, for our
purpose here this circle is complete. Next we fill whatever vessel it
is that we have, part way – perhaps an inch, with water, and gently
lay our circle on that water so that it‟s resting on the surface.
Now we take our ink and drop one drop in the center. Watch
that ink spread over the paper – see how far it goes. Did one drop
affect just us? Add a second drop and see how much further it goes
– then a few more drops. You‟ll see that it doesn‟t take many drops
to affect almost everyone on our list. Let the paper remain on or in
the water for the next hour or so and see how far that circle of ink
spreads. Recognize that your actions are like that ink for good or
for ill, and that each and every action you take impacts first the
people close to you, and then spreads outward, as did the ink.
Our addictions or enabling behavior are like these drops – each
time that we engage in whatever it was that we‟re seeking recovery
from was one more drop that rippled outward through our own
sphere of influence. Like our paper here, the entirety of that sphere
has been stained by our own actions. Let‟s say that one night we
were out using a substance. We might assume that because we
weren‟t home, we weren‟t acting badly to our husband, our wife,
our children. But they likely know where we are, or what we are
doing – they know why we aren‟t home when they expected. And
their moods, because of our actions are affected. And as they
interact with others, their moods affect those interactions. And our
behavior has rippling effects through our community, through our
families, our friends and beyond.
Cleaning up, we can let that water drain, and let the paper dry.
If you wish, you can dispose of it as you move on to Step 9, or you
can keep it as a reminder, and dispose of it later. If and when you
do dispose of it, treat it with the respect that you would with any
ritual item – burning, burial and other such methods are ideal.
Some people have a clay jar or pot which they use for such things,
and when it is full, the jar and its contents are buried. How you do
things is certainly up to you, but it also says something about you.
What do you wish your ritual items to say about you?
80 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 9

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,

except when to do so would injure them or others.

Almost everyone who engages in a Twelve Step program of

recovery approaches Step 9 with some degree of trepidation. Every
other step involves working on our selves or with Deity. Even in
Step 5, where we admitted our shortcomings to another human
being, we were free to choose that person in whom we confided.
Here in Step 9 we‟re charged with the task of meeting individuals
to whom we have caused some harm, face-to-face, and admitting
our wrongs, our misdeeds. It can be quite a daunting task; it‟s a
challenge that‟s not for the faint of heart. Just prior to my own
undertaking of Step 9, though, someone came up to me and asked
who I was. They then told me that they owed me an amends for
something that had happened many years ago, and I recognized
this person as someone who I went to school with. I actually had
no recollection of the incident of which he spoke, and was quite
happy that he could feel better about things. It was at this point
that I started to gain just a bit of understanding of what Step 9 is all
about.
Looking back at the times I‟ve wronged people, and comparing
these situations to the times when I‟ve been wronged, I noticed a
pattern: when someone has wronged me, for the most part, I‟ve
been willing to forgive. I recognize that we‟re all human, and that
we do, on occasion, hurt others simply by not thinking, by being
occasionally selfish, but not as often out of sheer malice. For those
times when people have wronged me due to actions stemming
from simple human frailties, I rarely harbor any resentment. I
might learn to keep from being taken advantage of, but I don‟t
typically entertain and nourish feelings of ill-will toward anybody.
On the other hand, when I‟ve wronged another, those feelings
linger. I might feel guilty and stay away from the people that I‟ve
harmed, not wanting to face them because I suspect they‟ll still be
angry, or because I have no way to offer recompense for the things
I‟ve done. These feelings remain long after the event may have
been forgotten by the individual I have wronged ... they stay and
fester within me as a poison with no outlet.
Step 9 is our opportunity to lance the boils, the festering
wounds of guilt, to remove the poison within us that is keeping us
from repairing those relationships with our relatives, loved ones
and co-workers. It‟s not an easy task; it can be difficult to approach
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 81
those we may have borrowed money from but not yet repaid, those
we may have stolen from, those we may have lied to, a lover we
may have cheated on ... here we face our own basest humanity in
its raw nakedness. It is not about going to people with excuses and
we aren‟t to blame our behavior on external influences; the fact
that we were high or intoxicated or addicted does not absolve us of
taking responsibility for our actions. We have already admitted our
misdeeds, we have already identified those to whom amends are
owed. Step 9 is simply about our own accountability for those
things we done, and doing what we can to make right the
relationships that were damaged as a result of our actions, or our
inaction.
Having the list that we created in step 8, it‟s time to look
through that list and to determine to whom and when we will begin
to make those amends. It might be, and quite probably will be that
some of these people are very close to us, and we can begin right
away. But before we rush headlong into the task of ridding our
souls of the guilt we carry, we need to look at the second phase of
Step 9 – “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Here
our desire for absolution can be at odds with the reality of a
situation. We need to consider the possibility that revealing certain
events to certain individuals might in fact be injurious. Take, for
example, an affair we might have had with the husband or wife of a
co-worker; should we tell our partner? Suppose that we‟re married
and we reveal the fact that we had a fling to someone else who is
married. If we reveal that to our partner, will they possibly reveal
that information to the other couple? If they do, will that cause
harm to them? Our partner, should we wish to not reveal with
whom we had that affair might demand that information from us,
offer an ultimatum to reveal who it was, divorce us, and break up
the family ... and the fallout of such a revelation could be drastic.
Yet still, we wish to be free from the guilt of the situation.
Here, the Wiccan Rede reminds us “An it harm none, do what
thou wilt. It seems to fall right in line with Step 9. There are times
when what we have done is a very heavy burden simply because
there is no easy way to rid our selves of it – nor is there any way to
lighten the load. There may be actions we have taken which, if
revealed, will cause great harm to a number of people. In these rare
cases, there is no one to who we can reveal what we‟ve done, and
we might be saddled with the sad duty of holding on to that
information, our only amends being to live our lives with dignity
and to avoid such traps in the future.
Step 9 does not promise us that we will be free from the guilt;
it merely offers us the opportunity to clean up our side of the street
82 DEIRDRE HEBERT
by making amends. It might well be that our amends to another
might not involve any sort of absolution; it might be that our
amends takes the form of truly turning over a new leaf, living in a
different fashion. We can‟t jeopardize the well-being or the
happiness of another so that we can put a salve on our own
wounds. However, we also can‟t let ourselves live in a fantasy that
suggests that any revelation of our wrongs will certainly cause harm
to another. We can‟t hide behind a fabricated suspicion of possible
injury in order to utilize what we perceive as an easy way out.
When we do begin to make our amends, it‟s perhaps easiest to
do so with those who know something of our situation, who know
that we‟re in recovery, and who understand that we are actively
working to change our lives. These people know our history, they
have probably been encouraging us and supporting us through the
entire process; they may have even been the ones who urged us to
seek help in the first place. It‟s doubtful that we‟ve never wronged
people such as this, and they can be very helpful to us as we take
our first steps on the road to learning how to be accountable for
our actions.
Before we approach anyone, though, we need to know exactly
what it is that we are doing and what we have to offer by way of
amends. Were not only admitting our faults, or how we might have
harmed or injured another, but we‟re seeking to make right the
situation. When we approach someone, perhaps someone whom
we might have forgot to repay after they loaned us a sum of money,
it is of little help to them to say simply “I know I borrowed that
money, and I‟m sorry I never repaid you.” That leaves them in the
exact position they were in before we came to them, except that
they realize we do now understand that we still owe the money. We
need to recognize for ourselves exactly how we might have
wronged another, and to have a plan to properly settle accounts. At
this stage in our recovery, it‟s quite possible that we are now
employed again, if we had lost our jobs. Or if we never lost our
jobs, it‟s entirely likely that we‟re no longer spending large sums of
money on booze, sex, or drugs, and that we are better off
financially. Here, when we approach an individual we owe money
to, we can work out a way to repay them what we owe them, even
if it‟s a small amount of money at a time. Some people might
forgive our debts, and we should bear this in mind when we find
ourselves being owed money from another ... passing on favors
such as this not only blesses another, but it is good karma as well,
not to mention the feeling that both the lender and debtor have
when generosity is practiced.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 83
Step 9 is not a practice that one goes about for a day or two, or
even a number of months; it can take years, possibly the rest of our
lives. However, working to be responsible builds a great deal of
character, and it will be the one tool that will serve to make us
respectable people in our societies. It is a symbol of both humility
and integrity, for there are few if any of us who do no wrong.
Those of us who can admit our faults and seek to change the
nature that brings about those faults are people who are working to
be trustworthy.
84 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 9 Practical Application

The one quality that is necessary to accomplish Step 9 is

courage. Courage, to many, is equivalent to fearlessness, but
nothing could be further from the truth. If there is no fear, courage
is unnecessary – it takes no courage to accomplish a thing where
one does not feel danger or threat. Quite to the contrary,
fearlessness in the face of danger is foolhardiness. One needs only
look at the 0 card in the Tarot – the Fool. This is a foolhardy
character, blithely unaware of the precarious position he is in as he
strolls along the cliff‟s edge.
Courage acknowledges fear, but acts nonetheless in the way
which will bring about what is the desired outcome despite that
fear. It acknowledges danger or threat, and then continues to do
what is necessary. Without this trait, Step 9 cannot be fulfilled.
When we live our lives, there are many times when courage is
necessary – we know what the right and proper course of action is,
but we are faced with a paralyzing fear that often prevents us from
taking that action. Step 9 and its fulfillment will teach us that we
can find within us that courage to do what is necessary and right,
despite the perilous nature of the circumstance.
When we first approach Step 9, we will be faced with many
people who are owed some sort of amends from us. Some we may
have harmed deeply; others only mildly. Some of these people may
be our friends still, and others may have long since ended any
relationship with us. If we are not yet people of courage, diving
directly into the deep end of the pool isn‟t always the wisest way to
increase our courage. Often it‟s best to take much smaller steps.
If acting courageously is new to us, then we might start, not by
going to those we suspect will greet us with acrimony, but rather to
someone who we suspect will be understanding – someone who
has seen our struggles and recognizes that we are changing. Some
might think this is taking the easy road, but in reality it‟s merely the
first step on a much longer road. The first steps when climbing a
mountain aren‟t done on a cliff, halfway up the mountain. Rather,
we begin at the base. Even on large mountains, base camp is the
first goal.
Likewise, with Step 9, we needn‟t begin with the biggest
challenges first – we can start small, and take the larger or more
difficult steps later. This doesn‟t mean that we avoid large steps
altogether – the goal is to climb the mountain, not to look as if we
are trying to climb the mountain. It makes little sense to begin a
journey that we have no intention of completing.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 85
As we work on Step 9, most of us eventually encounter
someone who rebuffs our attempts at making amends. Most of us
are acquainted with one or more people who have witnessed our
repeated promises of living sober, someone whom we have hurt so
badly that they no longer wish to see us, or someone whose trust
we have so abused that they can no longer risk trusting us. These
are times to summon up both courage and humility. We need the
humility to recognize that no matter how far we come, no matter
how long we work this program, there may be some who will never
wish to be in our company again.
To be effective in Step 9, we must be willing to encounter
these situations head-on. We must respond without anger, and we
must be willing to respect the wishes of those who express such
desires. This can be heart-wrenching, but we must accept this as a
consequence of our past actions.
For those who no longer wish to be in our company, or those
who cannot – perhaps due to death or distance – amends must take
the form of “living amends”, recompense for our prior actions by
changing our present lives. Perhaps we owe a company financial
amends; perhaps they fired us because of our bad behavior, but
have chosen to not to file charges. But the owner no longer wishes
to see us – they don‟t want, or won‟t accept anything from us. This
might leave us feeling guilty (and perhaps it should), but we can still
make an amend of sorts. We can take what was owed that
individual or business and make a donation to a worthy group or
cause. We might offer prayers for those who no longer wish to be
with us, praying only for their well-being and happiness. We can
volunteer for organizations pledging a certain amount of time for
debts owed that we can no longer repay. This can be difficult, but it
does build our character.
When we have met the challenges of Step 9, we will discover
that our personal character traits of courage, humility and
dedication have improved a great deal. We will learn that there is
likely no task that will be too daunting for us. We will recognize
that we can play as a part of a team because the desire to be the
big-shot has left us.
86 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 9 Ritual

Prior to engaging in battle, our ancestors had many rituals

which offered them strength and helped them to summon courage.
There were rites which would help their weapons to strike true,
their armor to stay secure, and other rituals designed to thwart the
efforts of the enemy. While Step 9 is not concerned with warfare
and we aren‟t concerned with deflecting missiles from enemy
combatants, we are doing something that is very difficult and
which in a reasonable person does call up feelings of fear and
trepidation.
There are many rituals that can help at these times –
firewalking would certainly be one such. If there is such an event
scheduled nearby, by all means, attend it – you will discover
something within you that you likely didn‟t know existed. But we
don‟t always have access to a firewalking ritual right when we need
one, and our ancestors did have other techniques to help summon
courage. Here we‟re going to create an amulet.
Amulets have been used for many millennia to help the bearer
maintain courage while performing difficult tasks. We can make an
amulet to help us discover courage. Its worthy to note that
Aquamarine is said to be a stone for courage. It‟s also the same
color as the throat Chakra, and what we‟ll be doing as we make
amends is speaking. The Aquamarine will thus comprise at least
part of our amulet of courage.
There are a number of ways of creating amulets, and what
method you choose will be up to you. One way is to simply use the
stone as a necklace; you can find springy bead cages for semi-
precious stones – simply place your Aquamarine inside one of
these cages, attach a chain or cord, and you have a piece of jewelry.
This is especially appropriate because, as a necklace, the stone
associated with the throat chakra is placed where it should be.
You can also place a piece of Aquamarine inside a small bag –
a mojo bag, perhaps with other items that speak to courage – a
shark‟s tooth, a feather from a bird of prey, a bear claw. There are
also herbs that are associated with courage – Black Cohosh,
Marjoram and others are known for this property. You might also
consider the lowly Dandelion, as its name comes to us from the
French and means “teeth of a lion”. You might also find an
Aquamarine ring or other jewelry that you could wear or carry.
When you have decided what your amulet will consist of,
gather up the components and either at Sunrise, or at night during
a waxing moon, you can perform this ritual. The Sunrise is often a
good time for this sort of magic because the Sun has been
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 87
associated with strength. A waxing moon is appropriate for
bringing things toward us, such as courage.
You will need some spring water and salt, a shallow bowl, a
clean face-towel or cloth that will be used only for ritual purposes.
(In fact, tools that are used for ritual purposes should be used only
for ritual purposes, with the possible exception of kitchen
implements as used by kitchen witches – but then again, ask any
two Pagans their opinion on this and you‟re bound to get at least
three answers. Still, I don‟t like using ritual items for mundane
purposes.)
Be sure that you will be able to see the Sun or the Moon from
where you are. Ground and center yourself and meditate on the
difficult task (Step 9 in this case) that you are faced with. When you
are ready and the Sun or Moon is visible, place the Aquamarine in
the bowl with a little salt. Salt is purifying. Then pour the water
over the stone and into the bowl. If you have a Mojo bag with
herbs or other items that are part of your amulet, you can place
them around the bowl.
Position yourself so that you are able to see the stone in the
bowl, and the reflection of the Sun or the Moon in that same bowl.
Visualize the heavenly body filling the stone (and any other parts of
your amulet that might be around the bowl) with energy that will
sustain you as you go about your difficult task. Visualize yourself as
you speak with both confidence and sincere repentance for what
you have done to harm another. Visualize the fact that you have
the ability to make proper amends for whatever may have
happened. Continue this visualization until the Sun or the Moon is
no longer reflected in the bowl, and then remove the stone and dry
it with the cloth or towel. Assemble your amulet and wear it as you
complete Step 9. You might find that it will help to wear it
whenever you encounter a difficult task, especially one that requires
communication.
88 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we

were wrong promptly admitted it.

If we‟re working the steps diligently, we might begin to

recognize that despite our attempts at personal growth and
improvement, there are still aspects of our lives that we aren‟t
satisfied with – we still act in ways that don‟t reflect our highest will
for our lives. Some of us recognize that we are still acting in ways
that leave us less than proud of what we‟ve done. Our work in the
previous six steps has helped us to recognize our faults, and we
might still be working to transform them through new behavior,
and we‟re committed to a more spiritual path, but at times we still
slip unthinkingly into old habits and behaviors. Step 10 is our
opportunity to nip such ingrained reactions in the bud. Some
people think of this as a sort of mini-step 4, others call it a spot-
check inventory, but however you look at it, it is a tool that we can
use to continuously evaluate ourselves. This is important because
without knowing where we are, right now, it‟s difficult to decide in
what direction we need to go to keep our growth constant.
As we continue to evolve it‟s important to keep in mind the
work we‟ve done so far, and to avoid destructive coping
mechanisms and habits that we know have failed us in the past. In
the previous steps we‟ve worked to change our thinking, and now
is our opportunity to put those changes into practice. We‟ll
regularly take stock of what we‟ve done and do what we can to
make things right as soon as possible.
This continuing personal inventory is not the same exhaustive
survey of our lives that we completed in Step 4. It does not need to
be a formal exercise that we do with pen and paper, though some
people who journal are inclined to take stock while doing so. The
methods of taking such an inventory are many, but they all serve
the common goal of keeping us aware of exactly who and what we
are.
Step 10 also reminds us continuously to remain true to our
ideals. A process of continuous self-appraisal and admission of our
faults gives us continuous reinforcement to improve our
relationships with others. It teaches us that this sort of
reinforcement doesn‟t have to come from without; we don‟t need
some external taskmaster to keep us on track – we can do this on
our own. We are no longer children in need of parenting, we don‟t
require something or someone outside of our self, telling us
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 89
whether what we have just done is good or bad – instead, we are
now adults, and know whether or not what we did was right. We
are able, as adults, to evaluate each of our actions, and to discern
for ourselves the consequence of those actions – in our lives and in
the lives of those affected. The personal requirement to admit our
wrongdoings, especially to those we wrong, can be an inducement
to choose right action rather than wrong.
In the past sometimes we found it exciting to do wrong, or
being part of a group that was doing something wrong. For many
of us, petty theft – shoplifting small items, speeding, taking
advantage of obvious errors at a bank or checkout line or an
obviously incorrectly priced item at a box store – all of these things
have been exciting opportunities for us. We knew that we were
either doing something that was obviously and objectively wrong,
but it felt good to get away with it. Sooner or later, though, we will
find that doing wrong no longer holds the same excitement or
fascination that it once may have, and this is a real and tangible sign
that we are growing in our behavior and in our spirituality.
90 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 10 Practical Application

Step 10 can provide each of us with many practical benefits

that might not at first be obvious. How many of us spend hours in
bed, trying to go to sleep because we can‟t let go of the worries of
the day? We may be troubled by what we‟ve done, how we reacted
to something someone else has done, or we might be worried
about things that are coming tomorrow as a direct result of what
we may have done yesterday. If we are engaged in a method of
constant self-appraisal, we are far more than one step ahead – we
can go to bed at night knowing that we have done what we could
do throughout the day, either to act with righteousness or to
correct any unrighteousness. It is easier to leave the troubles and
worries of the day behind when we are able to recognize that we
have done and dealt with everything we are capable of, and that it‟s
now time to sleep.
At this point we have also learned that “legal” and “righteous”
are two very different words with different and not necessarily
reconcilable meanings. What is legal may not always be righteous,
and what is righteous may not necessarily be legal. Take the case of
that incorrectly priced item at our box store. It may be legal to try
to take advantage of a price tag that‟s wrong – some states require a
store to sell an item for the price on the package. But is it right or
proper to take advantage of an obvious error? Because we find a
52” High def OLED television priced at $125.00 instead of
$1250.00 … while the law might require a store to sell it at that
price because it was their error, is it righteous to take advantage of
such an error? Or might it be better to point out the error? It‟s
possible that the store would still be willing to sell it for that price,
but the real question in our minds deals with intentions. Were we
trying to take advantage of another‟s errors, or were we trying to do
the right thing? We also need to bear in mind once again that all
scores are settled at one time or another, and the less Karmic debt
that we build up, the more accounts that we can properly settle on
our own in the here and the now, the easier things will be to deal
with in the future.
If, as many suggest, blood pressure and other health issues are
related to stress, then Step 10 may be one of the most healthy
activities that we can engage in. In continuously working Step 10 in
our lives, we are cleaning up the dark corners and closets of our
lives. The baggage that accompanies so many of us throughout our
lives simply doesn‟t have the opportunity to sit there, to gather dust
and be a constant irritation in our minds, and then make an
untimely appearance at some point in the future. Instead, we are
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 91
constantly clearing out that baggage and doing the mental house-
cleaning that enables us to relax – knowing that we have nothing
that is going to rear its ugly head and bite us.
It‟s been said, and we hear these words in many 12-Step
programs, that we are only as sick as our secrets; while that may
not be entirely true, the fact is that the more secrets we have, the
more masks and alternate identities we will use to keep others from
seeing who we truly are. Keeping secrets by their very nature causes
us to lie, whether we like to admit it or not. Keeping secrets is a
form of dishonesty, whether it be in a court of law or in our daily
life. While sometimes a certain amount of dishonesty is acceptable
– telling your aged grandmother that she can‟t cook as well as she
once did is certainly not going to endear you to the rest of the
family, nor will it be a comfort to your grandmother – the regular
habit of keeping our own wrongdoings secret, rather than dealing
with them and changing who we are, is simply counterproductive
to living a better life.
The active part of Step 10 comes after we admit our wrongs.
The process of admitting our wrongs urges us to do right. It‟s a
process that is not so banal as simply causing us to recoil from bad
action because we know that at some point the piper will have to
be paid; rather, we are consistently reminded of who we are and
who and what we honestly desire to be. This constant self-appraisal
helps us to measure where we are and to compare that to what our
highest will is for our self, and few motivational techniques are
likely to surpass this as we try to gain personal integrity.
As typical human beings, we often have one common failing –
when things aren‟t spelled out for us, we subscribe to the easiest
possible interpretation of the challenge before us. We might look at
“continued to take personal inventory” and recognize that there is
no specific timeframe suggested. Should we take that inventory
hourly? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? While the step offers no specific
time period, many people working these steps have offered their
own suggestions. Perhaps the most common of these is daily –
each night prior to sleep, as mentioned above, is quite common.
Others continuously take their own inventory, choosing to be rid
of an issue as soon as it appears. Some take yearly retreats in which
they take a more formal inventory as they did in Step 4, but still
they work to recognize when they are wrong and deal with those
situations immediately. There is certainly no single technique that
will be sufficient for every one of us – we are all different, we have
different priorities, different journeys, and a dogmatic approach to
anything is pretty much anathema to modern Pagans. But the
spiritual principle of constant self-appraisal is something that is
92 DEIRDRE HEBERT
useful to us all. The job for each of us is to find a means to achieve
that – whether it‟s a daily practice or a weekly ritual or constant
mindfulness. Each of us will find the technique that works best for
us, and the best technique is the one that we will consistently use.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 93
Step 10 Ritual

(Note: This ritual should not be attempted by people whose

addictive behaviors are related to food, by diabetics, or by others
who may suffer physical problems without consulting health care
providers first.)

The ritual for Step 10 has more than one goal: It tries to
impress that there are things that we need to do continually on a
day-to-day basis. We must do things consistently if we are to
survive. If we stopped breathing, for instance, our bodies would
perish in mere moments. We also see that many things that we do
for our selves can be quite good for us, or they can cause us harm,
depending on how we perform them. Eating, as one example, is a
necessary function. But eating the wrong things, or too much of
something that is good, can cause us harm. Eating is a choice that
we make daily; one which, if we ignore it, at first begins to cause us
discomfort, and if we ignore it for too long, it begins to affect our
health. For this reason, in our ritual for Step 10, we are going to
make use of fasting in our ritual. If you have some sort of illness
which requires you to avoid fasting, talk to your physician and see
what level of fasting might be appropriate and safe. Many people,
even with medical conditions, are able to do a one-day fast with
slight modification.
To perform the ritual for Step 10, we‟ll need to set aside one
day for the exercise. In the morning, begin the day with a shower
and your usual morning routine, with the exception of breakfast.
You may drink water. If you have a heavy caffeine habit, then a cup
of coffee may be necessary to avoid withdrawals and the resulting
headache. As you go throughout your day, notice how your body is
reacting to being without food.
With each pang of hunger recognize that your body is making
you increasingly aware that it doesn‟t have the raw materials to
maintain itself normally and still accomplish the tasks asked of it.
Normally we consume foods that are broken down into raw
materials that can be used to produce energy, which allows us to
move our limbs, to maintain body temperature, and to breathe,
pump blood and maintain our mental functioning. On this day we
aren‟t eating, so the raw materials to maintain those function come
from our body‟s reserves. Instead of breaking down food, our body
is likely reclaiming energy stored as fat. If there is insufficient fat,
then the body will resort to reclaiming muscle, just to stay alive.
We need to eat to stay alive for any significant period of time.
But there are other things that we require as well. If we don‟t
94 DEIRDRE HEBERT
maintain a healthy mental outlook, just as surely as we suffer from
a lack of food, we will also suffer if we have negative attitudes. So
with each pang of hunger, examine your life for the past week. Try
to discern where your attitudes may have failed you over the past
week. Recognize that as your body is struggling with the lack of
nourishment, so does the mind suffer with lack of proper care.
Tools such as reflection, forgiveness and a daily practice of
integrity are the proper nourishment for spirit.
Most healthy people can survive for quite some time without
food, but survival without water is not likely beyond a few days.
There are some exceptions, such as the Indian Yogi Prahlad Jani(1)
who claims not to have eaten food nor drunk water for some 70
years, but for most of us food and water are necessities.
Mentally healthy people – those who make a regular practice of
reflecting on their actions, writing wrongs and resolving not to
repeat past errors – might also survive for a time without such
reflection. As you continue to experience hunger throughout the
day, meditate on the fact that just as your body needs for you to do
that which will sustain it, so does your mind and your spirit. Where
the effects of not eating are hunger and declining physical health,
the effects of not caring for the spirit are declining values, a loss of
integrity, a reduced tolerance for uncomfortable or difficult
situations, and, ultimately, a likelihood of relapse of the condition
that brought us to the Twelve Step programs in the first place.
At the end of your fast in the evening, try to eat a light meal –
if you try to make up for all the food you missed during the day,
you‟ll probably overdo it. It‟s never a good idea to break a period
of fasting with a large meal.

(1)http://abcnews.go.com/Health/International/man-eat-

drink/story?id=10787036
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 95
Step 11

Sought through prayer, meditation and our craft to

improve our conscious contact with Deity, praying for
knowledge and understanding of our own highest will,
the Divine plan for us, and the power to carry that out.

Any Pagan who has been through any serious program of

study has certainly learned the value of meditation – it is
fundamental to performing magick. But prayer has a much more
difficult time of it in Pagan (especially Neo-Pagan) circles than in
any of the monotheistic religions. Many of us view prayer with
disdain, having come from patriarchal religions where one must
submit to the will of God as delivered through some ecclesiastical
hierarchy.
But prayer doesn‟t have to mean that sort of submission. In
Paganism, rather than being ruled by Deity, some of us view the
Gods and Goddesses as beings who are desiring of having a
relationship with us, and with whom we can work on a cooperative
basis. While we may have different creation myths, most Pagans
recognize that Deity is not some distant, unapproachable entity
who rules and uses Nature, but more an individual who expresses
herself or himself through Nature, much as a dancer expresses
themselves with their body and with their movements. Where in
some religions God creates a world which man may subjugate and
use, Paganism (at least many forms of it) views Nature as the body
or the expression of the Divine and urges us to cooperate.
So prayer, from a Pagan perspective is not a submissive act
which we must do, but a welcome and cooperative act in which we
desire to commune with the Divine. Where in some religions one
might seek to know God‟s will, and the strength to carry that out
however unpleasant it might be, Paganism recognizes that our own
highest will already knows what is best and seeks to have that
expressed and made manifest on a physical level. In our
communication with Deity through prayer, we seek the wisdom to
achieve what it will take to make that come to pass.
Prayer, spells, and meditation are very similar and often
confused, so let‟s look at what each of these is:
Prayer is communication with Deity. It can be in the form of a
petition, in which we are asking for something. It can be
intercessory, in which we ask for something on behalf of another.
There are also prayers of praise and adoration, which are self-
explanatory; there are prayers of penitence in which we express
96 DEIRDRE HEBERT
sorrow or regret for our sins; there are prayers of thanksgiving and
even imprecatory prayer, which is similar to a curse in which we
ask the Divine to injure, maim or to kill another person. Prayer can
be one-way or two-way. For most people, prayer is simply one-way
communication – many of us simply let our God(s) know what we
want and hope that it will come to pass. You‟ll hear “God, if you
get me out of this mess, I promise never to do that again”, or
“God, please let my loan for a new car (or truck or house or
whatever) be approved.” That‟s not usually the most productive
form of prayer. Instead, what we‟re looking for is something more
on the line of “Great Spirit, please speak to me; let me know where
I went wrong, and how to fix it”, followed by a period of silent
reflection. It‟s a lot like going to a therapist – we can spend hours
upon hours talking about how messed up our lives are, and it won‟t
get us anywhere. But when we listen as well and heed suggestions
offered, we have a chance of making some real and effective
changes in the way we do things.
Spells are different than prayer because unlike prayer, they are
designed to produce an actual result in the here and now, in
accordance with our own efforts and desires. Spells may involve
prayer, but the purpose is a specific and intended result. We might
know someone who is in desperate need of a new car, and so we
create a spell that will help them obtain one. Rather than merely
praying to Deity to cause that to happen, and hope that it does, we
take more direct action, and using the tools of Magick, we create a
spell which causes changes in the physical world to take place, the
end result of which is that our friend now has a new car.
Meditation might be used in conjunction with both spells and
prayer. Meditation is the silencing or the focusing of the mind for a
particular purpose. When we are listening for an answer from Deity,
that is a form of meditation. We are silencing our own mind so that
we can hear the mind of Deity. When we are focusing our intent
while casting a spell, that is a form of meditation. Meditation takes
on many forms – we encountered a mindfulness meditation back in
Step 6. There are guided meditations, and there are practices such
as Yoga and martial arts, which often make use of meditation.
With each of these, we are improving our conscious contact
with Deity, and that is an activity that too many of us spend
insufficient time practicing.. We have grown so used to having
Deity in the background of our lives that we expend little energy in
developing and improving that “conscious contact” with them.
Conscious Contact implies that we no longer relegate Deity to the
background – they are no longer an assumption, but become much
more real; it becomes an integral part of our daily lives. And the
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 97
relationship becomes then, much more interactive; it becomes a
partnership. And when we partner with Deity, mighty and
marvelous things are bound to happen – and chief among these is
our the continuing maintenance of our sobriety.
In the original version of the Twelve Steps, as published by
Alcoholics Anonymous the final phrase is “Praying only for
knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.” For
the purpose of this text, we have modified it to read “praying for
knowledge and understanding of our own highest will, the Divine
plan for us, and the power to carry that out.” As Pagans, we
recognize that our partnership with Deity places us in control of
our own destinies. Our ultimate destiny is not merely to have the
opportunity to sit in worship of the Divine for eternity. The Pagan
concept of Deity (for many Pagans) is not some being that exists
outside, apart from, or withdrawn from the world, but something
that is also existential, something which subsists within us as well.
Deity can be immanent as well as transcendent. We don‟t mean to
insult the Judeo-Christian-Islamic faiths with these concepts, but
our view of Divinity is dramatically different than theirs.
As different as is the Pagan concept of Deity, so are the
concepts of life and eternity. This life – for most Pagans – is but
one of many, and the plan that we have for ourselves and for our
growth involves more than a single lifetime. Our goal, when
working with Deity and with our higher self, involves discerning
what our own plan is for this particular lifetime. What lessons did
we come here to learn? What experiences did we wish for ourselves?
What agreements might we have with those who share this life with
us? Paganism is not a religion of “Let it be done to me according to
your will”, but an active religion, in which we have already made
choices, and in which our own will is particularly valuable and
important.
98 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 11 Practical Application

The practical uses of Step 11 are manifold. For those of us

who don‟t yet have an active life of worship and prayer, Step 11 is
an opportunity make a beginning. For those of us who already have
an active spiritual life, this is an opportunity to take our spiritual
practices to a higher level. For the Neo-Pagan, this can involve
experimentation with more and new ways to experience our faith.
Here are some questions to ponder:

 How many of your spiritual path‟s sacred days do you

recognize?
 Do you celebrate lunar events as well as solar events?
 Do you take time daily to meditate or pray?
 Do you perform magick?
 How often do you visit places that you consider sacred?
 Do you spend enough time reading books or watching films
of a spiritual nature?
 How much time do you devote to listening to spiritual music?
 How often do you pray for others?
 Do you spend as much time on matters of faith as you do
for your own entertainment?
 Do you engage in prayer or meditation prior to making big
decisions?
 Do you engage in prayer or meditation prior to making
smaller, or seemingly less important or impactful decisions?

The point of these questions is to come to an understanding of

where your faith is positioned in the scheme of things within your
own life. Some of the above questions might not apply to your
particular spiritual tradition, but we should all know where in our
lives our faith stands, and whether or not we might give it a higher
priority.
When we are trying to recover from any sort of addictive or
compulsive behavior, it is important to not leave a vacuum where
that addiction or compulsion once held sway over our lives. Nature,
it is said, abhors a vacuum, and this includes human nature. The
hole that is left when we jump on the wagon will necessarily be
filled with something. Early on we may fill it entirely with recovery
meetings, and that is a great substitute. But in the end, we do
recover so that we can live life effectively, not so that we can attend
recovery meetings. This doesn‟t mean that we dispense with
meetings – they will, for most of us, remain an important part of
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 99
our lives for as long as we live. Still, the point of recovery is to live
a full and effective life, and to do this, we need to make our
spirituality an integral part of our sobriety. To facilitate this, we
may feel a need to assess just what part our spirituality does, and
will play in our lives.
To the extent our life has changed thus far by achieving
sobriety, through attending Twelve Step meetings, and all that is
involved in our recovery program, improving our conscious
contact with Deity – devoting ourselves to a renewed experience of
our personal spirituality – is often like jump-starting that sobriety
with a brand-new and fully charged battery. Now that our minds
have been clear for a time, we can look at our own faith and see
how it can take on a new and more prominent role in our lives.
Here are some ideas that we might consider:

 If we haven‟t yet trained in or studied a particular path, are

we ready to do so?
 Can we change our behavior even more than we already have
– replacing rage with a moment of prayer, for example?
 If we‟ve never engaged in personal daily or seasonal ritual
activities, are we ready to do so?
 Do we have an established sacred space in our home?
 If we are part of a group, might we be ready to take on more
of a leadership role?
 If we are of sufficient learning, might we be ready to teach or
to take on students?
 If we are solitary, can we consider working with a group at
some point?
 Are we ready to organize a public ritual?
 Are we ready to work toward taking on some more
responsibilities in the group we work with?
 Are we ready to perhaps volunteer as clergy in prisons or in a
hospital?
 Could we organize a spiritual book or film club, meeting to
discuss the titles on a regular basis?
 Could we organize a group of people to bring ritual to the
shut-ins in our area?
 Are we willing to do volunteer work on behalf of our
tradition? (Adopting a park or wilderness area, and keeping it
clean, for example.)

Obviously not everything on this entire list will be accessible to

everyone – not all of us are going to be acting as clergy or as
100 DEIRDRE HEBERT
chaplains, and not all of us are cut out to teach others. But on this
list are things that we can all achieve if we set our minds to doing it.
There is certainly no one among us who is doing everything they
can for their faith – as humans, we are all fallible, and there is
always something that we can do to improve our conscious contact
with Deity on a daily basis.
The things that we can do to increase our conscious contact
with deity are almost limitless. Our day-to-day lives are filled with
countless opportunities to express our spirituality – and as we grow,
we will become increasingly aware of them. We might recognize
that Step 11 is not a one-time exercise; it is a way of life which
constantly demonstrates to us ways that we can come closer to our
Goddesses and Gods, and to our own higher purpose. This
improved conscious contact with our Higher Powers is not
something that is uniquely Pagan; it is something that has been
consistently sought after by all people with a real and abiding faith
in their gods.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 101
Step 11 Ritual

In Step 11 we place a greater level of emphasis on our

spirituality than we have in the past. We are challenged to express
our relationship with Deity in ways that we as yet have not, and to
call forth and expect an experience with Deity that is greater and
deeper than we have ever known in our spiritual practices thus far.
Whatever it is that we do for Step 11, it is but a starting point. If we
are truly choosing to improve our conscious contact with Goddess,
with God, with the Divine as we experience it, this implies that we
already have such a connection – and indeed at this point in our
recovery, we should. Hopefully by this time we have recognized
that some power beyond our understanding has been able to assist
us in achieving something we were not able to do on their own. So
we will first look squarely at our spiritual life and determine how it
can be improved.
Let‟s look first at who we profess to be, and see if that squares
with our practice. It‟s likely that most people reading this book are
Wiccan. If so, how often do you celebrate the Sabbats? What about
the Esbats? Some of us might be practitioners of Asatru or Druidry,
Druidism or Strega or DCW or a follower of any of countless other
traditions. How many of us have actively sought to celebrate, for
just one year, each of the traditional celebrations or seasonal rituals
for that year? Many of us claim to be eclectic. For those of us who
are, let me ask another question: Do we claim to be eclectic
because it‟s convenient? Do we claim eclecticism because it‟s too
difficult to commit to a particular path? Perhaps we once sought to
join a group, but working within that group‟s structure was a little
too difficult, or it required a level of commitment that we weren‟t
prepared to give. Step 11 calls us out of that shell of fear or of
laziness that has kept us from more fully engaging with Deity. It
calls us to step out of our prior comfort zone and to put our
spirituality at the forefront. And so in our ritual for Step 11 we are
going to commit – to the Gods and to our selves.
Our ritual begins with pen in hand. We will define our faith –
whether it be Wicca, Druid, DCW, Strega, Faerie, Goddess
Spirituality – whatever. To improve that contact with Deity, we
must know how we are going to do so. If we‟ve sat on the edges
for too long, it‟s time to get away from the edges and into the
center of our spirituality. This doesn‟t mean that if you‟re an
eclectic, you must choose a tradition. But it does mean that as an
eclectic, it‟s time to have some definition of what that faith consists
of for you personally. In defining this, we will make a decision as to
which celebrations we will definitely celebrate. It may be the eight
102 DEIRDRE HEBERT
solar festivals; it may be the thirteen full moons, it may be the
Pagan interpretation of traditional cultural holidays. It may be all of
these. The point is to decide right here and right now what our
religious holidays are. So find a quiet place, and in a special book,
write down what it means to you to practice the religion you claim
as your own. What does it require of you? And then, in the
presence of your Goddesses, Gods, your Higher self, as honestly as
possible, decide how you can do better at insuring that you do
these things. Listening to Deity, write down what comes to mind.
Next we will want to set aside some regular devotional time.
For many Pagans, devotional time outside of ritual, is non-existent.
We go about our days and think about the Goddesses and Gods
little if at all. But all of our spiritual leaders, from whatever religious
tradition they may have followed, have known and have taught that
a truly spiritual life could not exist without some time spent on
something of a regular basis in prayer, meditation, or other
communion. When we speak of contact with anyone, this doesn‟t
happen by merely thinking about them on occasion. Improving
contact with anyone involves speaking and listening –
communicating. For some of us, the idea of getting on our knees
every morning or every evening is overly Christian. We want
something that is different. But really, what‟s wrong with being on
one‟s knees before their Goddess or God? If the Goddesses and
Gods are real, is showing a modicum of humility before them
wrong? This doesn‟t mean that it‟s a requirement for all of us, nor
may it be appropriate for every path, but for many, a kneeling
prayerful position demonstrates honest humility.
If praying on your knees just doesn‟t work, then perhaps
something like a morning constitutional walk might. In parts of the
country where the weather gets cold or rainy, this may not always
be convenient, but it might work out. Or perhaps we might
consider a daily Yoga, Tai Ch‟i or martial art routine, or some other
activity, with meditation and prayer as part of that routine. What
we are trying to do is to find a way that we can have regular
communication with Deity.
I took part in a panel discussion at a local university and I
heard a young woman ask a man how often he meditates. His
response was “Always.” Our lives can truly be a meditation, a
communion with Deity, but this can‟t happen unless we move in
that direction. And so this ritual is our first step to making our
entire life a prayer, an offering, a ritual dedicated to whoever our
Deity is.
In the end, Step 11 isn‟t a one-time ritual; it doesn‟t end. It‟s
not something we can do once and be done with; it‟s a way of life
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 103
that not only results from having practiced these Twelve Steps –
it‟s much, much more than that. It‟s a way of life that will give us
the wherewithal to continue living sober for as long as we practice
it.
104 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Step 12

Having achieved a spiritual awakening as the result

of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others
like our selves, and to practice these principles in all
our affairs.

The theme of Step 12 is giving back. It‟s a spiritual principle

that to keep something, we need to be willing to give it away, and
this is the essence and the fundamental mystery of sobriety. It was
recognized early on that an alcoholic was uniquely able to reach
another alcoholic, and that principle seems to apply to any addict
or compulsive person. Perhaps this is because like a wilderness
guide, we who have been in that dark wilderness know the way out.
Or maybe it‟s some sort of empathy or wisdom gained from having
been in the same situation as the person we seek to help. Whatever
it is, it works.
Many people who embrace the Twelve Steps have wondered
when first reading them, and coming upon Step 12, just what is a
spiritual awakening. Some of us might think of the Christian saint
Paul who was struck with some sort of bolt from the heavens,
came to know Christ, and recognized the error of his ways,
repenting there and then, to become a Christian. Many others think
of some sort of brilliant insight that suddenly illuminates the dark
corners of their mind, enabling them all at once to see things as
they were never able to before, perhaps crying out Eureka! They
expect an epiphany, a life-changing moment, something dramatic
and unexpected. But not all spiritual awakenings are of the same
sort. Not everyone has a life-changing moment. Just think to the
morning and how you may have awakened today. Some of us have
alarm clocks – we are sleeping, they ring, and we are awake. But
sometimes the power may be out, or we may not have set a clock
to wake us. We are sleeping, and we gradually awaken; can we point
to the moment when we were asleep, and the next when we were
awake? Some awakenings are dramatic, disruptive, almost rude –
others are so gentle that we barely notice them.
Likewise, a spiritual awakening doesn‟t have to be of any
particular sort to be valid. For some, there are those brilliant
moments of insight where we know or understand something
deeply that we hadn‟t known just moments before. But arguably
the most important insights we obtain are those we gain only
gradually – the lessons that are hard ones, and which take a great
deal of time and effort to integrate into our personalities and habits.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 105
Two of the most profound spiritual insights are articulated in
the very words of Step 12 – that we are to carry the message, and
that we need to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
Perhaps what is seemingly the most difficult task at hand is to
practice these principles in all our affairs. We have come to
experience Twelve Steps – we admitted we were powerless over
our addiction or habit; we came to believe that a power beyond us
could help us find sanity; we turned our lives over to the care of
that Deity which could help us; we made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of our lives. We admitted to our Gods, to our
selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs;
we became willing to have Deity change us. We asked Deity to help
us to effect that change. We then made a list of people we had
harmed, became willing to make amends to them, and we made
direct amends. We continued to take a personal inventory of our
selves, and took responsibility then, and there, when we found our
selves in error. We sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our conscious contact with deity. And now we are saying
that we will practice all of these principles, not just in relation to
our habits or addiction or compulsion, but in all our affairs. Just
how do we go about this?
It‟s important to remember one lesson that we have learned
when we have worked this far through the steps – namely, that our
addictions or habits or compulsions have affected every aspect of
our lives, and that likely, most every facet of our lives was used at
some point as an excuse or had been a trigger to whatever habit or
addiction or compulsion it was that made our lives unmanageable
in the first place. In the midst of our struggles, we used when times
were good, or when times were bad. We used to celebrate a new
love, or to drown the misery of loves lost. We used when business
was good, or when we were on the verge of bankruptcy. The point
is that every aspect of our life was an excuse to engage in whatever
it was that ultimately became our downfall. When we make it a
point to utilize everything we have learned that has led us to
recovery in all aspects of our lives, in all our affairs, then we are
making available that healing energy, the magick that is contained
within the Twelve Steps in all of our affairs, in all aspects of our
lives, and with this, we are inoculating our entire life against the
conditions that might lead us to relapse.
We are also taking the tools that we have just used to build
anew our character, and working with them to establish that same
character in every relationship that we have. No longer is our entire
life unmanageable. We are discovering that our life is not only
manageable, but successful because we are acting with integrity – in
106 DEIRDRE HEBERT
how we deal with a co-worker, a business partner, another
recovering addict or alcoholic. We interact with each of these
people, utilizing the same principles; honesty, compassion and
integrity. Some have suggested (jokingly) that this is a poor
proposition for a used car salesperson, but in general there are few
if any aspects of our lives that cannot be improved if we apply the
principles of being honest, taking responsibility for our actions, and
trusting in Deity to steer us in the right direction. And maybe that‟s
a spiritual awakening too – that we don‟t actually have to go
through this life, making things up as we go along – that some
sense of direction is available to each of us if we are willing only to
seek it out.
As Pagans, we embrace mystery – we are very familiar with
apparent paradoxes, and the value of the lessons we find within
them. In hearing that to keep what we have we must be willing to
give it away, we find one of those mysteries. What we are to offer
freely is our experience, strength and hope – our service in helping
others discover and obtain sobriety. What we gain from that
experience is our own renewed hope that for one more day, we will
enjoy that sobriety. Among those of us who have experienced
addiction and subsequent recovery, it is almost universally true that
those who maintain sobriety are those who help others discover
sobriety … and that is how we are able to keep that which we give
away.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 107
Step 12 Practical Application

We apply Step 12 in our lives when we become willing to help

others, and do so. Some of us are afraid to do this – we have a fear
that we‟ll say the wrong thing, that someone we hope will “get it”
doesn‟t, or that they go back into addiction again. Helping others
can be very daunting because it brings up memories of our own
past. We fear that if they go back out that we might as well. We
fear that if we work too closely with another that we might get too
close to our own triggers. Perhaps our fear is that we won‟t be as
good at helping others as were those who helped us. When we
have those feelings, the truth is that we are putting our faith in the
wrong things, and rather than seeking to help another we might be
seeking to build up our own pride.
If our job is to help others and to carry the message to them,
there are a few things to remember: First among these is this – the
message isn‟t from us. It‟s a message that began with Dr. Bob and
Bill W. And that message is that recovery is possible – we can end
the insanity of the cycle of addiction or compulsion and attain
recovery in our lives. Our job isn‟t to get anyone else sober – we
are simply the carriers of a message that was sent out quite some
time ago. That‟s our only job. And just as we had the opportunity
to accept or reject that message, so do those to whom we carry it.
It wasn‟t anyone else‟s job to get us sober – we did that work, with
the help of Deity. It‟s not our job to get anyone else sober – that
task belongs to them.
The second thing to remember is this: If someone truly wishes
to embrace recovery in their life, they will. If we carry the message,
and they are willing, we can‟t say anything wrong – they want it,
and they will get it. If they do not wish to embrace that recovery,
then there is nothing that we can say to convince them that we
have something they might want. If they aren‟t ready to embrace a
lifestyle of sobriety, then what we have is not yet of value to them,
and nobody wishes to spend the energy and time necessary to
achieve sobriety until they are ready.
So, how do we go about carrying this message? If you are
active in a group, then you‟re already doing that! If you attend
meetings, think back to that first day you walked into a room and
saw another person there. You likely realized at that moment that
you weren‟t alone. That‟s carrying the message. You likely saw
coffee or cookies or some other snack available; those who make
the coffee, set up the rooms, those who chair the meetings and
have positions within the various groups are also carrying the
message. Many programs have telephone hot-lines available in
108 DEIRDRE HEBERT
which people who are in the program are willing to accept calls
from people looking for information as to where a meeting might
be held, or how to find a ride to a meeting. Those who answer the
phones are carrying the message.
Most Twelve Step programs also embrace the idea of
sponsorship. A sponsor is an individual who is active in the
program that is willing to make themselves available to another in
their journey through these twelve steps. Think of a sponsor as a
guide – they have worked their way through the wilderness, and are
familiar with it, and are comfortable with the idea of leading
another person safely through that wilderness. A sponsor isn‟t an
“expert”; a sponsor is simply a person who has already been there.
Most sponsors will also agree that the act of sponsorship does as
much, if not more, for maintaining their own sobriety as it does for
the person they are sponsoring.
We also carry the message in the way we live our day-to-day
lives. In living a sober life, we become a model to others. We don‟t
have to break our anonymity in doing so – we are simply living an
effective life. And it is no mystery that when an individual has a
problem, they come to those who seem to have a solution to that
problem. Our children, our family members and close friends
might know that we are part of such a group, and when they know
of someone in need of what we have, they‟ll ask us if it‟s okay to
send someone our way. Some people who have no problem with
addictions or compulsive behaviors will also see there is something
different about us. We might hear “How can you stay so calm?” or
“Why don‟t you seem to get angry?” This is the evidence that the
program is working in our lives.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 109
Step 12 Ritual

Because Step 12 is about carrying the message, the ritual for

Step 12 is about just that. Remember back to Step 3, and the ritual
that you did then. We discovered that we need to be able to rely on
another person for help – we need to discover that we can trust.
The ritual for Step 12 is the ritual for Step 3, with the exception
that you are now the guide, the person assisting.
As that person you are helping over the bridge, blindfolded,
accomplishes her or his task, think about their fear, and about the
confidence they are obtaining. Recognize that this is a gift that you
are offering to another human being. You have been granted a
spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, and are now in a
position to offer that same gift to another human being.
What could be more fitting?
110 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Appendix I: The Author’s Story

When I was young, the first thing that I can remember is being
uncomfortable in my own skin – I knew that somehow, I just
didn‟t fit. And as I grew, I found that my level of discomfort did
not diminish. The nature of that discomfort is unimportant – what
is important is that I‟ve met few addicts, alcoholics, people with
mental illness or eating disorders who were ever truly comfortable
with who they were. Somehow, everyone I‟ve met who has
suffered like me has experienced these feelings in some form or
other.
I recall my family telling me that my first experience with a
mind-altering substance happened when I was quite young. Parties
and Sunday dinners at my grandmother‟s house or the homes of
other relatives quite often were celebrated with wine, and at a very
young age I was going about looking for sips. I remember as a
young teen feeling quite nice at my uncle‟s bar when I was treated
to a rum and Coke. In high school I would raid my parent‟s liquor
cabinet, and one of my first prized possessions was a flask in which
I could bring booze with me to school.
Throughout all this time, I had other characteristics – I was
terribly impatient and impulsive. Living in a town that the railroad
passed through, trains were often obstacles, and jumping on from
one side and off on the other was almost a given. Hopping on a
train was a neighborhood challenge, but nobody followed me the
day that I ran beneath one of the chemical cars. It wasn‟t until years
later that dealing with that sort of impulsive behavior became
important in my treatment plan.
Like most kids who are uncomfortable with who they are, I
found myself on the wrong side of many jokes and physical attacks
while at school. I grew up understanding what it meant to be the
target of bullies in an era when teachers somehow suspected that
getting picked on implied that the one picked on must have
somehow provoked the other. In 8th grade, the school‟s solution
was to hold me back one year with the hope that a change of
playmates might change the situation – it didn‟t.
During my high school years, my depression and self-loathing
worsened; but I discovered that with a job and income, I could
have other playmates. I was in High School, working in a now
defunct shoe factory during the summer, when I was first
introduced to marijuana and other substances. I absolutely loved
the release that some of these substances offered. I could be
completely carefree – at times the only care being how to stop
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 111
laughing. At other times though, the paranoia that followed was
almost unbearable.
What strikes me about those years is that the drugs and the
alcohol were coping mechanisms, but they did nothing to help me
deal with life in an effective manner. The temporary relief helped
me mask, to myself and others, what I was feeling; in that sense,
they probably helped me survive my youth. They also masked
some of the symptoms of the mental illness that I was suffering.
But in the end, temporary relief and permanent solutions are quite
different things. I had none of the latter.
Over the years of trying to cope but never properly dealing
with things, I submitted to my family‟s desires for me. I got
involved in the church music ministry. I joined the Air Force after
high school; I tried to “be the person God wanted me to be”, but
was unable to discover who I actually was. Eventually I married,
and I do have two beautiful daughters – something I will never
regret – but marriage was just another attempt at trying to be
somebody for someone else.
After about 14 years of being married, after a number of jobs
and continually trying to hold things together, my life started to fall
apart. The marriage was already on a rocky road, and my partner
was not able to deal with a person who couldn‟t figure out who
they were, so we divorced. At this point in my life I no longer had
any capacity to make things appear normal. Drugs, alcohol and
mental illness had taken their toll and I went through what people
used to call a nervous breakdown. I was suicidal and uncontrollable
and spent the next four years in and out of mental hospitals. I was
put on some fairly heavy anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers,
antidepressants and other medications. All the while, I never quit
using other substances. I managed to convince myself that if my
problem was mental, then I didn‟t really have a substance abuse
issue.
Sometimes the feeling of emptiness was overwhelming. People
think that depression is continual sadness, but I discovered that it‟s
much more than this – with sadness, there is a precipitating loss;
it‟s understandable. Sadness is a grief process, a mourning, and
while it‟s very uncomfortable, you can point to a cause and see that
loss leaves a void, and while what was lost may not be replaced,
that void can be filled – eventually. Depression leaves a person
feeling not just sad, but empty. It is like the void of loss or sadness,
but without any definable loss. There is nothing to point to, and
you don‟t know where that void is so there is nothing to fill. Just to
feel something, I began to injure myself. Somehow, physical pain
was better than the nothingness of depression.
112 DEIRDRE HEBERT
I moved from place to place, at times living in situations in
which even my daughters didn‟t want to be with me. I found
myself homeless, staying on friend‟s couches until they tired of me;
at one point I spent a few weeks in a tent. But somehow I managed
to convince myself that I was never homeless.
One day, my therapist suggested that I look at my substance
use. suggesting that I might have a problem in that area. I was a bit
indignant at the idea – my problems, after all, stemmed all from
mental illness. Mentioning to some friends what this therapist said,
one remarked “You don‟t have any more of a problem than I do.”
This particular comment made me blink because I suspected that
friend actually did have a problem. Somewhat floored by that
revelation, I called a hotline and decided to check out a Twelve
Step meeting in my area.
At that first meeting, I was determined, not to get help, but to
compare myself to each of those there. I was looking for
differences, a way to prove that my problems and theirs were not
the same. And I was able to do so! I heard tales of arrests for DUI
or OUI, time spent in jail, lost jobs, homes, cars. They had been in
prisons. They had physically assaulted people they loved. In my
mind, none of this applied to me. I also heard a great deal of talk
about God and of Jesus Christ, whom I wanted nothing to do with.
And so after a few meetings, I was convinced that a group such as
this was not for me. Until one fall day, that is.
The medications I was on could not relieve the darkness that
had enveloped me. I felt useless, unwanted, unloved,
unnecessary … all the while wanting to be wanted, to have a
purpose, but with no clear vision of that ever becoming possible. I
thought that my daughters would actually be better off without me,
and I was fairly certain that my family wouldn‟t really care if I was
gone. I had attempted suicide a number of times before, but this
time something was different. I remember going to the liquor store
and purchasing a few bottles, and I had just refilled some of my
medications, and sat down, drinking and taking pills. I vaguely
remember getting up and starting to walk, but my next memory
was of waking up in the intensive care ward in my local hospital.
Apparently, I had stumbled into a major avenue in my city at
about the time one of my friends was driving by. She managed to
get me into her car, but I was completely incoherent, and she took
me to the hospital. I was so combative that I was put in restraints. I
don‟t recall what was done to save my life, but I remember the
indignity of having the various tubes removed. I remember the
concerned and disappointed faces of my friends.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 113
I don‟t know what words I said to the counselor or social
worker on that day, but strangely enough, I wasn‟t sent to a
psychiatric hospital that time. I do remember that shortly after, I
logged on to an online recovery forum and talked about the
experience. Someone replied and asked me “What will it take?” He
said that if I only got on the wagon, he‟d help push. He sounded
honest, sincere, and more than that, he cared. At that point it
hadn‟t yet hit me that I had quite nearly succeeded in killing myself.
But the words this person used had brought me to tears – here was
a man who didn‟t know me at all, and he sincerely cared what
would happen to me. So, that day, I resolved to at least try to do
what it would take to get well. I became convinced that there were
other people at least as bad off as I was, who did recover.
As I started attending more recovery meetings, I realized that I
wasn‟t alone, nor was I special. Where I previously had thought
that smart people weren‟t in need of recovery, I started meeting
smart people in recovery: doctors, nurses, engineers, college
professors, lawyers, carpenters, plumbers, electricians, physicists,
counselors, therapists, construction workers – no group of people
was immune from these ills, and the Twelve Step programs worked
for all of them.
When I first started attending meetings, my self-esteem was as
low as it could possibly be. I didn‟t want to be seen, so I just sat
there – never raising my hand to talk, never even going to the
bathroom because I didn‟t want anyone to see me. I talked to few
people. But slowly, I began to open my mouth and I discovered
that nobody cared how low I had been – what mattered was that I
was there and getting better. Still very self conscious, and afraid of
rejection, I realized that these programs work better when you have
a sponsor. So I found a woman whose life I admired, and I asked
her one night if she might consider helping me to find a sponsor. I
didn‟t want her to say “I can‟t sponsor you”, so I figured this was
the easy way to not feel rejection once more. She agreed to sponsor
me, and has been my sponsor since.
About nine months into this, I felt it was time to work the
Twelve Steps formally, and I sought out another woman whom I
respect to do this with. It was in this process that I learned that I
really wasn‟t that bad. However horrible I thought I was, my worst
critic was myself, and I had punished myself far more than I
deserved. I still had restitution to make, I still needed to hold
myself accountable for a number of things, but these were all debts
that could be paid.
It was also at about this time that I was introduced to someone
who hosted a radio program on a local station, and he wanted to
114 DEIRDRE HEBERT
interview me. I agreed to that; and some time after that interview,
he told me that he was getting a promotion at the station, and his
program was going to end unless I took that position. I had never
done radio before, but this man thought I was up to the task. I
thought it might be fun and so I began the training program under
his tutelage. This program changed over the years, and eventually
became the program that is now PaganFM! It‟s amazing that just a
year prior to this, I could not follow through on much of anything
– I‟d get frightened or insecure, and I‟d quit. As of this writing,
PaganFM! has aired every week for well over three years.
All during my recovery, I made a commitment to improve my
relationship with my daughters. My oldest hadn‟t spoken to me
since about my first hospitalization, but I promised myself that I
would do whatever it took to be there for both of them. The first
breakthrough, for me, was when my oldest was sick one day, and
asked me to come over and cook some Alfredo for her. This was
always one of my specialties, but my first inclination was that this
wasn‟t cheap, I didn‟t have much money, and I was busy. However,
this was my daughter, and she wasn‟t feeling well, and it was my
time to step up. So I went to the store and bought everything I
would need … and cooked for my daughter. I suspect it may have
been a bit of a test on her part, but I was very glad for the
opportunity to pass it.
Since then our relationship has continually improved. I
remember one day when I was driving her to college and I asked
her straight out – “We‟re talking again; what changed?” She looked
at me and said “You‟re not crazy anymore.” Indeed, I had been
crazy, but the steps were effecting in me a change that I could not
have done on my own.
Now it‟s more than five years since I stepped foot in one of
those rooms of recovery. I‟ve met countless people – some who
have made it, others that haven‟t. Some people that I grew to love
in those rooms have died, succumbing to their illness, or to the
challenges of life. Others have made remarkable changes in their
lives, taking on challenges on with a dignity and grace that most
people would find difficult to imagine.
My oldest daughter has moved about halfway across the
country, but we speak at least three or four times every week. My
youngest is in high school, and I am the semi-official DJ for her
school at every dance. I‟ve been at the radio station for over four
years now, and my program has been heard all around the world.
I‟ve heard from many listeners that what I do each and every week
has helped them live their lives more fully. Where before, I was
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 115
afraid to be seen or heard, I‟m now blessed to spread a message of
hope.
But I have to remind myself every day that what I have is very
tenuous; I could lose it just as quickly as I received it. The only
thing that keeps me from relapse, from falling back into that cycle
of mental illness and depression and mania and substance abuse is
vigilance and honesty. I have managed to keep myself accountable
to others in these rooms of recovery. I let people know how I‟m
feeling, what‟s on my mind. And they do the same with me. If I
don‟t have to keep how I‟m feeling a secret, things aren‟t going to
build inside like some stopped up pressure cooker.
On my own I was hopeless – today I have hope. Today I have
a reason to look forward to tomorrow. I realize now that I am here
for a reason and I have something to contribute and I can bring
beauty into this world.
No matter what your problem is – be it drugs, alcohol, mental
illness, eating disorders, gambling, online gaming, smoking or
anything else, there is likely a Twelve Step group that can help you
out. They don‟t magically make your problems go away, but they
can certainly help you deal with them head-on. There is no reason
to live in misery or shame, no reason to have a life that‟s out of
control and unmanageable. Someone once said that no matter how
many steps you have taken to live in shame and misery, it‟s only
twelve steps out. And Twelve steps is short enough a journey for
anyone with even a modicum of willingness to begin.
116 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Appendix II: Twelve Step Programs

Here we provide a listing of Twelve Step Groups, a brief

description of their program, and contact information for those
seeking help. Inclusion of a Twelve Step program‟s information in
this text does not imply an endorsement of that group by the
author, nor does inclusion of any Twelve Step program imply their
endorsement of this text.
It should also be noted that even within a given program there
may be vast differences between groups or meetings. If you seek
out a group, and discover that a particular meeting is unwelcoming
or otherwise not to your liking, don‟t give up – check the meeting
schedules; you may find that another group, or another meeting
within the same program will be better suited to your taste, or there
might be a related program in your area as well. That said, try to
make sure that the reason you don‟t like a particular group is valid;
many of us have left groups or meetings not because there was
something wrong with them, but rather because of our own
prejudices or defense mechanisms.
This list of Twelve Step programs is not exhaustive, and
includes only some of the programs which have implemented a
Twelve Step program based on those steps created by Bill W. and
Dr. Bob. It does not include programs which, while based on a
Twelve Step model, have not based their program on the original
Twelve Steps as created by Alcoholics Anonymous.

All versions of the Twelve Steps follow a similar format – in

this text we have used a generic version, adapted slightly for Pagans.
The following list shows text from the original Twelve Steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous, with the words that have been removed or
replaced (in italics), and the words that have been added underlined.

Step 1. We admitted that we were powerless (over alcohol), and

that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could
restore us to sanity.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the
care of (God as we understood Him) the Divine and our own
highest self.

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 117
Step 5. Admitted to (God) Deity, to ourselves, and to another
human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6. Were entirely ready (to have God remove all these defects of
character) to effect, with the help of Deity, a profound change in
our character.

Step 7. Humbly (asked Him to remove our shortcomings) implored

Deity to help us effect that change.
Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became
willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were
wrong promptly admitted it.
Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation and our craft to
improve our conscious contact with (God as we understood Him)
Deity, (praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to
carry that out) praying for knowledge and understanding of our
own highest will, the Divine plan, and the power to carry that
out.

Step 12. Having achieved a spiritual awakening as the result of

these steps, we tried to carry this message to (alcoholics) others
like our selves, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Now we take a look at a number of Twelve Step programs,

some implementations of the Twelve Steps, and how to get in
touch with those organizations that may be of use to us.
118 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholics Anonymous was the first program of recovery to

utilize the Twelve Steps; every Twelve Step program that exists
today traces its heritage back to these steps. Alcoholics Anonymous
is a program of recovery from alcoholism, and does not offer help
for any other problems. While many in recovery from other
substances do attend open meetings, and while Alcoholics
Anonymous recognizes that many of its members have problems
other than alcoholism, AA sticks to its primary purpose – recovery
from alcoholism. That may be one reason why it has survived and
thrived.
Alcoholics Anonymous charges no dues or fees for
membership and are fully self-supporting through voluntary
contributions by their members.

Contacting Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholics Anonymous is listed in virtually every telephone

book in the United States, and in many throughout the world. Most
have a toll-free hotline that will get you in touch with someone
who can tell you where a meeting is taking place, and often arrange
for transportation.

Their number is usually located in the business section of your

phone book (often an 800 number).

Website: http://www.aa.org
Alcoholics Anonymous operates a multi-lingual website which
has a meeting locator function, allowing you to find meetings in the
U.S. and Canada. The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) and the
Twelve and Twelve (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions), which
are the two texts most often used in AA meetings are both
available online at this site.
There are online meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous in many
languages, and the Online Intergroup can be found at:
http://aa-intergroup.org

A.A. World Services, Inc.,

P.O. Box 459,
New York, NY 10163
(212) 870-3400
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 119
Al-Anon/Alateen

Al-Anon/Alateen is a group for people who have a family

member that is a problem drinker. They recognize that to help the
problem drinker, family members need help themselves first,
because they have been affected by that drinking. Al-Anon/Alateen
maintains a multi-lingual web site. Meetings are available world-
wide, online, and by telephone.

Meeting Information: 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666)

Monday thru Friday, 8 am – 6 pm EST. For US and Canada.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org
wso@al-anon.org

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

1600 Corporate Landing Parkway
Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617
Office Telephone: (757) 563-1600

Cocaine Anonymous

Cocaine Anonymous is a Twelve Step program that helps men

and women recover from addiction to Cocaine and other mind-
altering substances. They provide face-to-face meetings around the
world.

International Referral Line: 1-800-347-8998.

http://www.ca.org
cawso@ca.org

CAWSO (C.A. World Service Office)

21720 S. Wilmington Ave., Ste. 304
Long Beach, CA 90810-1641
120 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Crystal Meth Anonymous

Crystal Meth Anonymous is a Twelve Step program that helps

men and women to recover from addiction to Crystal Meth.
Meetings held throughout the US.

Hotline: 213-488-4455

http://www.crystalmeth.org

CMA General Services

4470 W Sunset Blvd Ste 107 PMB 555
Los Angeles, CA 90027-6302

Debtors Anonymous

Debtors Anonymous is a Twelve Step program for those who

have a desire to stop incurring unsecured debt. Debtors
Anonymous holds meeting both in the United States and around
the world. Telephone and online groups are also available.

Phone: 800-421-2383 / 781-453-2743

http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/
new@debtorsanonymous.org

Debtors Anonymous
General Service Office
PO Box 920888
Needham, MA 02492-0009
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 121
COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts)

COSA is a 12-Step recovery program for people whose lives

have been impacted by the compulsive sexual behavior of others.

Phone: 866-899-COSA (2672)

http://www.cosa-recovery.org
info@cosa-recovery.org

ISO of COSA
PO Box 79908
Houston, TX 77279-9908

Emotions Anonymous

Emotions Anonymous is a Twelve Step program for people

who are seeking recovery from a variety of emotional difficulties.
In their literature they claim to offer support for people dealing
with “depression, anger, broken or strained relationships, grief,
anxiety, low self-esteem, panic, abnormal fears, resentment,
jealousy, guilt, despair, fatigue, tension, boredom, loneliness,
withdrawal, obsessive and negative thinking, worry, compulsive
behavior and a variety of other emotional issues.” Emotions
Anonymous has meetings world-wide, as well as telephone and on-
line meetings. Their web site is available in multiple languages.

Office: 651-647-9712

http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/
infodf3498fjsd@emotionsanonymous.org

Emotions Anonymous International

PO Box 4245
St. Paul MN 55104-0245
122 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Families Anonymous

Families Anonymous is an organization for those whose lives

have been touched by another‟s use of drugs or alcohol, or by
related behavioral problems. Meetings are available in many states
in the United States, and in a number of countries around the
world.

Phone: 800-815-9682

http://www.familiesanonymous.org
famanon@FamiliesAnonymous.org

Families Anonymous, Inc.

P.O. Box 3475
Culver City, CA 90231-3475

Food Addicts In Recovery Anonymous

The Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous is an international

fellowship of men and women who have experienced difficulties in
life as a result of the way we eat. We joined FA either because we
could not control our eating or because we were obsessed with
food. Some of us have been obese, while others have been too thin
or have joined because of struggles with bulimia. There are also
members who have managed to stay at a normal weight but remain
constantly obsessed with food and with maintaining their weight.
What we have in common is that our obsession with food has kept
us from living a fulfilling life.

Office: 781-932-6300

http://www.foodaddicts.org
office@foodaddicts.org

WSI Office
400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700
Woburn, MA 01801
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 123
Gamblers Anonymous

Gamblers Anonymous is a Twelve Step program that helps

men and women recover from a problem with gambling.

Phone: 213-386-8789

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/
isomain@gamblersanonymous.org.

Gamblers Anonymous
International Service Office
P.O. Box 17173 Los Angeles, CA 90017

Narcotics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous is a Twelve Step group for those who

find themselves addicted to any type of drug. Narcotics
Anonymous does not focus on the drug involved, but rather on
addiction. For that reason, one will find addicts of all sorts at an
NA meeting. Narcotics Anonymous groups in various areas
operate local telephone hot lines that can be found in your local
telephone directory under Narcotics Anonymous.

US Office: 818-773-9999
European Office: 32-2-646-6012

http://www.na.org
fsmail@na.org

NA Main Office
PO Box 9999
Van Nuys, California 91409

WSO-Europe
48 Rue de l'Été/Zomerstraat
B-1050 Brussels, Belgium
124 DEIRDRE HEBERT

OLGA – OLG-Anon

Online Gamers Anonymous is a Twelve Step program for

those who find that they can no longer control the amount of time
spent playing computer or console games of any type. OLG-Anon
provides services for those who have been influenced by those
addicted. OLGA has published two versions of their Twelve Steps
– one for those who believe in a higher power, and another for
Atheists & Agnostics. Many meetings are held online, and others
are held face-to-face in various parts of the United States.

OLGA / OLG-Anon Hotline: (612)-245-1115

http://www.olganon.org

OLGA World Services

104 Miller Lane
Harrisburg, PA 17110
olga@olganon.org

Overeaters Anonymous

Overeaters Anonymous is a Twelve Step group for people

seeking recovery for food-related issues. While the majority
describe their problems as being compulsive eating or overeating,
some members have problems with Bulemia, Anorexia or other
issues with food.

OA Information: 505-891-2664

http://www.oa.org
info@oa.org

PO Box 44020
Rio Rancho, New Mexico 87174-4020
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 125
Pills Anonymous

Pills Anonymous is a Twelve Step program for those who

recognize that they have a problem with pills. No distinction is
made as to the type of pill, legally acquired or otherwise,
prescription or non, pain, sleep or anything else. The only
requirement for membership is a desire to stop using pills.

http://www.pillsanonymous.org
info@pillsanonymous.org

PA World Service
1849 E Guadalupe Rd
Suite C-101-133
Tempe, Arizona 85283

Sexaholics Anonymous

Sexaholics Anonymous is a group for those who feel that they

have lost control of their sexual urges, and for whom lust has
become an addiction.

Phone: 615-370-6062
Toll-free: 866-424-8777

http://www.sa.org
saico@sa.org

SAICO
PO Box 3565
Brentwood, TN 37024
126 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Self-Mutilators Anonymous

Self-Mutilators Anonymous is a Twelve Step program for men

and women who have a desire to recover from physical self-
mutilation. Self mutilation is defined as injuring the body without
the intent of ending one‟s life, and may include cutting, picking
skin, scratching until blood is drawn, re-opening wounds, tearing
out hair, banging one‟s head, swallowing objects, or any other
activity that results in physical damage that is not intended to cause
death.

http://selfmutilatorsanonymous.org/
info@selfmutilatorsanonymous.org

Social Phobics Anonymous

Social Phobics Anonymous/Social Anxiety Anonymous are a

group that help sufferers overcome Social Anxiety Disorder, Social
phobias, shyness, Avoidant Personality Disorder and other social
anxiety disorders. They have meetings in various locations in the
US, and scheduled telephone meetings.

Office: (208) 473-2465

http://healsocialanxiety.com

Pagans In Recovery

This is the only group that I was able to find online that speaks
specifically to Pagans seeking recovery. It is a forum-based web site,
and seems to have been in existence since about 2008. It is an
active site, with online meetings available to members.

http://www.pagansinrecovery.com.
 THE PAGAN IN RECOVERY 127
Bibliography

Alcoholics Anonymous Published by Alcoholics Anonymous

World Service. ISBN: 1893007162 4th Ed.
This book is the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. It details
the program of recovery as outlined by Bill W and Dr. Bob. As well
as describing the program, the text contains numerous personal
stories to which readers may relate. This text is available in
numerous languages.

Overeaters Anonymous Published by Overeaters Anonymous Inc.

ISBN: 0-9609898-1-1
This is the basic text of Overeaters Anonymous, a Twelve Step
group that works with people who experience compulsive
behaviors in their relationship with food.

The Jaguar That Roams the Mind. Robert Tindall, published by

Park Street Press. ISBN: 9781594772542
This is an amazing tale of one man‟s journey to the Amazon
rain forest and his personal and spiritual adventures with
Amazonian Shamanism. While not directly related to Twelve Step
programs, included in this book are some amazing tales of recovery
from addiction, as well as theories regarding the cause of addiction
and its treatment.

The Recovery Spiral. Cynthia Jane Collins, M.Div. Citadel Press.

ISBN: 0-8086-2512-6
The Recovery Spiral is a book about recovery using a
somewhat Wiccan and Tarot approach, as well as the Twelve Steps.
It includes a number of personal accounts, and a number of pagan
groups have adopted this text for study and meetings.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Published by Alcoholics

Anonymous World Service. ISBN 0-916856-01-1
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions describes, in detail, each
of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics
Anonymous. While the Twelve Traditions apply to the AA group,
the Twelve Steps describe the program of recovery for the
alcoholic in AA.
128 DEIRDRE HEBERT

Contacting the Author

The author is available for workshops and events. She

maintains an office at One Washington Center in Dover, NH and
can be reached by mail at:

Deirdre Hebert
1 Washington St. Suite 3110
Dover, NH 03820

dee@paganfm.com
1-603-617-4797