The Healthy

Life Group for

College Students
M A N U A L

DRAFT 2
July 29, 2018

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 The program was written with several goals in mind. this process, participants should experience reductions
PART 1 First, we wanted to provide enough structure and group in and/or cessation of inappropriate sexual behavior
tasks to guide leaders who have little prior experience and relationship conflict.
working with similar material. Second, we wanted to

Overview and Conceptual Background

retain flexibility so that leaders have time and freedom Stages of Social Information Processing:
to explore and expand upon important material that
arises during meetings. Programmatic flexibility also Social information processing models have been
allows facilitators to build a healthy and constructive used by researchers and clinicians to help explain IPV,
atmosphere by dealing with conflicts within the meet- SV and other forms of interpersonal violence perpetra-
ing, engaging in problem-solving around current life tion (Ambrose & Gross, 2016; Crick & Dodge, 1994;
Overview interpersonal aggression. Several common themes that
difficulties, and addressing the needs of participants Dodge & Crick, 1990). McFall (1982) developed an
may underlie relationship difficulties are also targeted.

T his prevention program is designed to prevent inti- at different stages of the change process. Leaders are influential social information processing model that
These themes are discussed in the following section. involves three sequential stages through which pieces
mate relationship physical, psychological, and sex- It was designed to be highly sensitive to the fact that often able to weave program material into meeting dis-
ual aggression. The program upon which the Healthy cussions even if participants bring up situations that of social information are transformed into behaviors.
many aggressive individuals have histories of negative Similarly, Crick and Dodge (1994) put forth a five-
Life program is based, called “Strength at Home,” was are not directly relevant to the weekly topic. Leaders
life events that negatively impact their relationships stage social information processing model. In both
originally developed and empirically validated in mil- should never dismiss participants concerns by saying
and behavior. The program is conducted in a support- models, the first step is to interpret a situation. In other
itary veteran samples and has now been adapted for “we will cover that in Week 5” or “that’s not the focus
ive, nonconfrontational atmosphere, by two coleaders. words, one observes cues about a situation and decides
use with undergraduates or graduate students. The pro- for today,” nor should they attempt to relate current
It follows a closedgroup format involving weekly 90 what they mean. One person may see a friend laughing
gram draws on existing cognitive-behavioral interven- concerns to the weekly session topic artificially. It is
minute meetings. Each meeting contains brief instruc- and interpret it as the person making fun of them, while
tions, specifically incorporating components of CBT more helpful to clarify participants’ concerns, promote
tional material, group activities to discuss, learn, and another person may see a friend laughing and expect
for intimate partner violence perpetration empathy, and engage in brief problem-solving.
practice new behaviors, and flexible time to be in on a funny joke with that person. Difficulties
(IPV; Murphy & Scott, 1996), anger to solve ongoing problems, explore in the “encoding” and “mental representations” stag-
management and assertiveness train- change efforts, and build group cohe- Conceptual Background es may be caused by inattention or distraction, as well
ing (Grace, Niles, Quinn, & Taft, sion. as misinterpretation of social information. The second
The Healthy Life program is based on social infor-
unpublished manual), and relation- step is decision-making, which involves generating
The first two meetings of the mation processing models of aggression, as well as the
ship-focused treatment of posttrau- possible responses and evaluating which one is the
Healthy Life group provide psycho- idea that SV, stalking and harassment may be caused
matic stress disorder (PTSD; Monson best (based on what is expected in the situation, wheth-
education on certain forms of inter- by any of the following factors: disordered thinking,
& Fredman, in press). The program er one is able to carry out that response, and potential
personal aggression (IPV, SV, stalking, distorting relationships, opportunity/access to others,
is intended to promote healthy relation- costs and benefits of that response). The final step, the
harassment) and common reactions to neg- disinhibition, entitlement (i.e., power and control), and
ships and end aggression or misconduct in enactment stage, involves action, and monitoring the
ative life events. There is a focus on goal-set- deviant sexual arousal. The program includes com-
current relationships and prevent it in future re- impact of the action. At each stage, other “transitory
ting, enhancing motivational readiness for change, ponents from empirically validated interventions for
lationships (which may include intimate partnerships factors” like substance use, distorted thinking about
and building a group cohesion and a positive facili- inappropriate sexual behavior and relationship diffi-
or other peer relationships) by helping participants to sex and sexuality, or anger, can negatively impact in-
tator-participant working alliance. The third meeting culties. In the subsections that follow, we discuss how
develop effective conflict resolution skills, enhance in- social information processing is related to interperson- formation processing.
timacy and closeness in their relationships, and reduce focuses on conflict management skills and learning
to becoming assertive in a healthy way, rather than al aggression relevant to this program, factors that may
the negative effects of stress. It is intended for under- contribute to social information processing deficits, Risk Factors for Interpersonal Aggression
graduates or graduate students who are in contact with passive or aggressive. The remaining meetings all
and the relevance of core themes that may underlie re- Addressed in this Intervention:
focus on communication skills: how one learned to
Judicial Affairs because is suspected or confirmed lationship difficulties. The basic elements of the inter-
communicate over the course of their lives, enhanc- Social information processing is one of the prima-
that they have engaged in a form of interpersonal ag- vention include self-monitoring exercises, discussion
ing listening skills, and recognizing and expressing ry risk factors for interpersonal aggression addressed
gression that might be considered IPV, sexual violence of sexuality and sexual boundaries, assertiveness and in this intervention. There are several other fac-
feelings more effectively and cuing in to the feelings
(SV), stalking, or harassment. conflict management techniques, and communication tors that should be considered when addressing IPV,
and boundaries of others. Across all of the meetings,
skills training. These components are used to combat SV, stalking or harassment, as well. These include
The Healthy Life group is a 6-week program con- participants complete in-session practice exercises post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or reaction to
the factors that can underlie SV, stalking, harassment,
ducted in a group format. The program targets social and are provided “practice assignments” to consoli- negative life events, depression, alcohol use problems,
and social information processing difficulties. Through
information processing deficits that are associated with date information learned.
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cognitive distortions about sex, sexuality, and gender Those who have perpetrated SV may create a narra- and uncontrollability during the event(s), may devel- Summary
roles based on past experiences, problematic expo- tive in their minds about what occurred that minimizes op feelings of powerlessness that continue long after
sure to or use of pornography, deviant sexual arous- their own blame (Auburn & Lea, 2003). However, one It is clear that problems in the processing of social in-
the negative experience. Feelings of powerlessness
al, and traumatic brain injury (TBI). Each may have puzzle in the field of sexual offending treatment is that formation are associated with interpersonal aggression.
can contribute to power struggles in relationships
a negative impact on social information processing a failure to take personal responsibility for the offense, The Healthy Life program intervenes at the level of so-
and/or risk for aggression. Although the literature has and blaming external circumstances, is not correlated and ultimately may lead to IPV or SV perpetration
cial information processing by increasing awareness of
yet to fully examine the potentially complex inter-re- with future recidivism (Ware & Mann, 2012). In other (Schwartz, Waldo, & Daniel, 2005).
possible risk factors and themes for their interpersonal
lationships among these different risk factors and as- words, participating in an intervention on one’s own
sociations with aggression, it appears likely that the A final core issue or theme that may have particular aggression through psychoeducation and self-monitor-
terms can still have positive results.
presence of more than one of these risk factors may relevance involves the expression of emotions. Those ing, and by changing behaviors through the provision
increase risk for some forms of violence in a mul- When it comes to IPV, there may be other import- who engage in aggression often report that they were of conflict management techniques, boundary respect
tiplicative fashion (e.g., TBI disinhibits aggressive ant core issues to consider. For example, trust in oth-
not taught to openly express feelings other than anger, techniques, and communication training. Based on our
behavior among those with PTSD, depression, and/ ers is often disrupted following certain negative life
experiences. A disruption in interpersonal trust may and that “real men” do not express emotions underly- experience with evidence-based programs from which
or alcohol use problems). It is also possible that peo-
have been caused by someone who was supposed to be ing anger. They may have learned more action-oriented we have drawn these techniques, it is expected that
ple may be affected by certain executive functioning
disorders, autism spectrum or attention deficit disor- trustworthy. One example is a childhood sexual assault problem-solving to deal with difficult situations rather participants will experience reductions in and/or ces-
ders, or cross-cultural issues (i.e., perceived and actu- experience in which someone who they thought was than more communication-based approaches that in- sation of the behavior problems that brought them into
al acculturation stress), that can influence friendship trustworthy betrayed their trust and assaulted them. volve collaborative problem-solving. contact with Judicial Affairs.
quality, social skills and social cueing (Bauminger & Following such a trauma, the person may feel like they
Kasari, 2000; Ogunsanya, Bamgbade, Thach, Sud- cannot trust anyone, or that all people are out to hurt
hapalli, & Rascati, 2018; Ros & Graziano, 2018; van or betray them. Sometimes feelings of mistrust and be-
Schalkwyk et al., 2017). trayal can carry over into other relationships, and con-
trolling behavior and aggression, or lack of respect for
The Role of Core Themes in Interpersonal Aggression boundaries, may result.

Past experiences can have a profound effect on the Some who have experienced negative life events
ways that individuals view the world. For example, may harshly judge themselves whenever they make
trauma or negative life experiences can influence the a mistake, or they unfairly blame themselves for
processing of social information that underlie interper- what happened to them. Low self-esteem can lead to
sonal aggression, as can other mental health problems depression, insecurity in relationships, and aggres-
and what individuals learn about healthy relationships sion. Stress can also influence how one views other
as children and adolescents from their environments, people, or “other-esteem.” Negative events involv-
media, and through direct experience. ing other people may lead one to believe that others
are not good or not to be respected. They may have
Sexual aggression is often the result of “permis- generalized this belief to everyone (even those who
sion-giving thoughts,” or cognitive distortions, such do not deserve it), which may lead to problems with
as that no harm, or no lasting or serious harm, is done anger, withdrawal from social relationships, IPV,
to others when sexual boundaries are not respected and other forms of interpersonal aggression.
(Kettleborough & Merdian, 2017). Other causes of SV
appear to stem from “an excessive concern with being Clinicians and researchers have long asserted that
admired, an inflated sense of entitlement, selective- men’s violence toward women is influenced by beliefs
ly low empathy, and a broadly exploitative approach related to power in relationships (e.g., Pence & Pay-
to heterosexual relations” (Baumeister, Catanese, & mar, 1993). Those who have had prior life experienc-
Wallace, 2002). es that have created a profound sense of helplessness

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 4. Altruism in this context refers to participants pro- microcosm” in which to learn more about emotions
PART 2 viding one another with help and support. This is a and interpersonal realities. This further involves the
powerful element in group that should be consistently experience of being accepted and valued for who one
modeled, noted, and encouraged by the leaders. is. The group experience places a premium on being

Process Considerations and Implementation Issues 5. Socialization techniques. The group provides
participants with the opportunity to receive feedback
honest with one’s self and with other participants in
order to facilitate interpersonal learning.

on their social skills. It also provides a safe place to try 8. Group cohesiveness is the sense of togetherness
out new social behaviors. The group experience often and shared purpose that develops in a healthy group.

A s research and clinical knowledge demonstrates, Therapeutic Factors helps participants to identify consistencies in their in- It comes, not only from identification by participants
the process of any group-based program is an im- terpersonal behavior that may be causing them prob- with one another, but also from overcoming difficul-
portant factor that influences its success. Information Following Yalom (1995), the group experience is lems. Other participants, or the leaders, can recognize ties that inevitably result in getting along and working
presented in this section should provide program lead- thought to exert a therapeutic effect as a result of a and help participants explore how certain “in-session” together. High levels of cohesiveness usually require
ers with strategies for facilitating group cohesion and number of primary factors. Detailed discussion of behaviors represent interpersonal problems experi- that the group maintains some consistency in the focus
a positive therapeutic alliance, troubleshooting typical these factors is available in the original source work enced outside of the group. Some common interper- and content of the work from week to week, in order
issues in the meetings, and managing difficult situa- (Yalom, 1995). A brief discussion of some of the key sonal behaviors observed in meetings that often reflect to achieve a deeper level of experience and learning.
tions that sometimes arise. issues follows: problems outside are the tendency to appear uninter-
This program draws upon the fundamental prin- 1. Instillation of hope is very important, as many be- ested in what others have to say, trouble expressing 9. Catharsis, in this context, refers simply to the ex-
lieve that there is no way to deal with relationship dif- or stating feelings, misinterpreting other’s intentions, pression of emotion. Often this refers to emotions that
ciples and practices for experiential group work as
ficulties other than the way they are currently handling mistrust of the leaders or other participants, “yes / have not been formerly expressed, or perhaps not even
specified by Yalom (1995).
them. The leaders need to communicate hopefulness butting” (eliciting, and then consistently rejecting, ad- clearly labeled or experienced. Participants may be
and optimism, at times explicitly, but more often im- vice and suggestions), attempts to cut off discussion only partially aware, for example of deep shame relat-
Fundamental Tenets plicitly, by reflecting participants’ desire for things to or change subjects when uncomfortable issues arise, ed to their histories with negative life experiences (or
change, by identifying strengths and positive relation- interruptions, etc. All require the leaders to pay careful traumas), yet the effects of this shame may be quite
1) Groups are particularly helpful for working on re-
ship behaviors, and by nurturing a hopeful, change-ori- attention to interpersonal processes in the group. clear in their relationship problems. Expressing these
lationship problems because they allow individuals to
ented atmosphere. feelings may provide a sort of dramatic relief, espe-
see that they are not alone in the issues they face. A 6. Imitative behavior, or observational learning, is
2. Universality of experience, and group identifica- cially in the context of empathic understanding and
sense of shared experience can enhance perceptions of another powerful opportunity afforded by program
tion, is nearly inevitable. Initial identification with acceptance by the group. Catharsis is most likely to
social support, which is particularly helpful in reducing participation. Almost every cohort of participants
the group usually centers on the powerful recognition be helpful when also accompanied by the opportuni-
interpersonal aggression-related behavior problems. starts off with individuals who are at different stages.
of similarities. Recognition of differences is also ex- Individuals who are further along in thinking about ty to learn more about oneself and one’s interpersonal
2) The group setting allows individuals to model tremely important as individuals move toward a more behavior. Emotional expression, although somewhat
and enacting changes in their lives will serve as role
positive relationship behaviors and to provide feed- differentiated view of their own unique relationship models for other participants. Leaders should be sure helpful in itself, is most useful as a compass of inter-
back on appropriate ways of handling difficult rela- strengths and difficulties. The leaders will generally to identify the difference between situations in which personal learning.
tionship issues. encourage initial identification, subsequent differen- an individual is serving as consistent advisor or ex-
tiation, and a sense of shared goals and purpose that 10. Existential factors refer to the sense of purpose or
3) Much of the therapeutic work happens in the here- pert in order to avoid working on their own problems, meaning in life, which cannot simply be conjured up
transcends differences. as opposed to situations in which someone is being a
and-now, through engaging in, and reflecting upon, or artificially derived. The sense of meaning is most
group transactions. 3. Imparting information occurs in many overt and helpful role model for other participants. Focusing on
likely to emerge from deep engagement with some-
subtle ways in the program. In addition to the struc- strengths and successes when appropriate is also very
4) Much of the benefit of the program derives from thing outside of one’s self. For some individuals, the
tured material, participants may suggest to one anoth- important, as participants will be most likely to “imi-
mutual support and change processes, including en- program offers an opportunity to focus very deeply on
er sources of information such as books, movies, etc. tate” or learn from others who are having success in
hanced self-acceptance and acceptance of others, in- others’ pain, struggles, and joy in a way that may have
The leaders will impart information and help direct the changing their relationships.
creased empathy from relating to other program mem- been formerly unavailable in their everyday life. An
group toward issues and topics that encourage personal
bers, and cooperative problem solving. growth and change. 7. Interpersonal learning is one of the central con- important sense of meaning can result from these ex-
cepts of this approach, that ties together many of the periences, and may offer new possibilities for engage-
other primary factors. The group provides a “social ment in the social world outside of the program.
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Leader Tasks and Techniques ■ If a participant expresses hesitance to try a new
skill, leaders may ask, How is your current style
PART 3
In addition to covering structured program ma-
working for you?
terial, facilitators engage in important facilitation
techniques, such as: ■ If a participant reports on a situation in which they

1 Role model gender equitable relationships, empa-

did not use their skills, facilitators may pose the
question, If you could do it over again, how would
Overview of the 6 Week Program Content
thy and supportive listening; provide an optimistic
you do it differently?
and hopeful perspective on the
ability to change. ■ Be sure participants do not have additional com- Meeting 1 Meeting 3
ments to make before moving on to another topic. Introduction and Welcoming Understanding the Roots of Your
2 Encourage self-disclosure.
■ Always address non-adherence with practice After initial introductions and discussion of the phi- Communication Style and Assertiveness
3 Promote healthy relationship norms assignments. It may be important to troubleshoot losophy and goals for the program, the leaders lead a After review of the self-monitoring practice assign-
and interpersonal respect. difficulties in completing assignments.
discussion of the “pros” and “cons” of relationship ag- ment, participants engage in an exercise in which they
4 Make the meeting a safe place for exploration of gression. Leaders then give insight into the structure write about and discuss how they learned their style
II. Motivational issues
personal and interpersonal problems. and expectations for the group, explain the importance of communicating emotions. Specifically, they discuss
1 Remind participants that they are taking the time lessons learned as a child, in school, from peers,
5 Identify important group dynamics and intra-group of practice assignments, and answer questions
to come in to the meetings, so they may as well and in other settings. The primary clinical
conflicts that facilitate resolution of these issues about the program. The main clinical
put their best foot forward. Ask participants if they task of this material is to illustrate how
(comment on process). tasks are to begin establishing a work-
can adopt a let’s wait and see attitude throughout people are often socialized not to ex-
their participation in the program. ing alliance with each participant,
press emotions other than feeling
Other Tips for Facilitators to address any questions about the
2 Be direct when participants exhibit behaviors that glad or happy; and to be passive or
program, to model and encourage aggressive, not assertive.
I. Reviewing practice assignments indicate questionable investment in the program.
healthy participant interactions, to This meeting continues with
■ When reviewing practice assignments, always facilitate motivation for behavior
III. Crisis situations a discussion of how negative life
comment on the positive work participants have change, and to highlight personal re- events have affected participants’ re-
done before exploring problem areas or assign- 3 For individual crises, program leaders may make sponsibility for abusive behavior. lationships to further facilitate contem-
ments completed incorrectly. provisions to speak with individuals for 20-30
plation of behavior change and build upon
minute meetings to deal with emergent issues
■ When a participant comments on using a new MEETING 2 psychoeducational material from Meeting 2. The
(e.g., new conduct code violations, suicidality,
skill, leaders may ask, How is this different than Negative Life Events and Relationships discussion then shifts to a focus on expressing them-
etc.) prior to or following meetings.
what you’ve done in the past? to highlight the dif- selves assertively. This material is designed to assist
Note that “relationships” may be intimate partner-
ferent outcomes that arise from using new skills. participants in recognizing and understanding the im-
ships, sexual relationships, or other peer relationships.
portance of striving toward assertive expressions of
Participants explore their beliefs about healthy and un- anger and other emotions. The practice assignment fo-
healthy relationships and their goals for the program. cuses on self-monitoring the different components of
The discussion then shifts to psychoeducational materi- emotional expression and further practicing healthy,
al that focuses on understanding forms of unhealthy re- assertive expression of emotions.
lationship behavior and the impact of past experiences
on participants’ relationships. The main clinical tasks MEETING 4
are to enhance motivation and educate participants Roots of Your Sexual Behavior
regarding abuse, aggression and boundary violations, After review of the expression emotions practice as-
and for participants to gain insight into the effects of signment, participants engage in an exercise in which
difficult prior events on their own relationships. they write about and discuss how they learned about

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sex and how they are expected to behave sexually. and enhancing intimacy in any type of relationship.
Specifically, they discuss lessons learned from media, Listening skills are particularly important when PART 4
as a child, from school, peers or adults. The primary people have trouble reading social cues or with in-
clinical task is to illustrate that there are specific cultur- appropriate sexual behavior, because improved lis-

Detailed Program Agenda

al expectations related to sexually behavior that people tening skills can help stop distorted thinking and
may internalize, or fail to internalize, early in life. The inappropriate reactions.
other clinical task is to illustrate that individuals may
have experiences cornerstone events in their lives relat- MEETING 6
ed to sex and sexuality that continue to influence their Expressing Feelings SESSION 1 about participants’ disclosures and everything is
behavior, expectations about others’ sexual behavior, Introduction and Welcoming kept confidential, except for the specific limits of
Participants review their sexual thoughts and behav-
and experiences of sex today. The practice assignment confidentially noted on the form. Emphasize that
ior self-monitoring forms and the active listening prac- Overview
focuses on self-monitoring sexual thoughts, impulses, this is a safe place where participants can be open

A
and cognitions, and practicing healthy self-talk related tice assignment. Program material then focuses on how
fter initial introductions and discussion of the and honest.
to sex and sexual behavior. avoidance can lead to difficulties expressing emotions
philosophy and goals for the program, the lead-
or managing sexual behavior. Strategies for expressing
ers lead a discussion of what healthy vs. unhealthy
feelings are provided. Next, participants explore gains II. Participant Introductions
MEETING 5 relationships are like; with specific prompts about (a)
made in the program. They identify goals and strate-
Active Listening gies for future change along with barriers to change friendships, (b) family relationships, (c) dating or sex- Instructions:
Participants discuss aspects of good and bad com- and strategies to overcome these barriers. Program ual relationships, and (d) relationships with professors, ■ Ask participants for some basic pieces of informa-
munication, after which the discussion focuses specif- leaders help participants develop a realistic appraisal of employers, or other authority figures. Leaders then tion, including first name (and it may be a nickname
ically on active listening skills. Active listening is changes made and to help them identify areas needing give insight into the structure and expectations for the if they prefer), current status at the university (i.e.,
emphasized because they are the foundation of good continued attention and strategies for continuing this group, explain the importance of practice assignments, graduated, undergraduate, graduate student), where
communication is critical for de-escalating conflict work after the program ends. and answer questions about the program. The main they grew up (i.e., the U.S., another nation), current
clinical tasks are to begin establishing a working al-
relationship situation and status (single, dating, liv-
liance with each participant, to address any questions
ing together, etc.), and what they hope to get out of
about the program, to model and encourage healthy
the program.
participant interactions, to facilitate motivation for be-
havior change, and to highlight personal responsibility ■ It is particularly helpful to reinforce expressions of
for abusive behavior. a desire to change abusive, sexually inappropriate,
or other relevant treatment elements (e.g., poor as-
I. HANDOUT sertiveness or communication skills, deescalating
Description of the Program difficult situations). To highlight the costs of abuse
and benefits of ending abuse or sexually inappropri-
Instructions:
ate behavior, emphasize the negative consequences
■ Facilitators introduce themselves, describing
that have resulted from incidents that they might
their backgrounds in working with other relevant
populations or problems. mention (e.g., being suspended from school, being
ostracized, relationship termination or separation,
■ Read the program description and answer any personal feelings of shame and guilt, negative per-
questions participants may have. ceptions of abuse by friends, relatives, or the com-
■ Emphasize the importance of participants munity, etc.).
trying new things and working on changing
■ Explain that individuals will feel comfortable dis-
their behavior.
closing personal information at different points in
■ Confidentiality should be emphasized by letting the process of the program and that the hope is that
participants know that there are no notes recorded everyone will feel comfortable at some point.
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■ Validate and address any concerns about the pro- (“cons”) that come from their aggressive behavior sive behavior going. This information should be communicated to the
gram while working towards elucidating treat- in their relationships. participant in a non-punitive way, emphasizing
ment goals. ■ The facilitators’ role is to create an atmosphere con-
the importance of getting an adequate dose of
■ Introduce this exercise by asking participants how ducive to change. Facilitators refrain from direct
the program in order to benefit.
■ Model and encourage healthy interactions people learn to behave aggressively. Participants challenges to rationalization and denial. Rather,
at all times. will typically indicate that they learn such behaviors they encourage participants to contemplate change
from observing others, such as caregivers. Indicate in a supportive and nonthreatening atmosphere, VII. Practice Assignment
■ Tips: Avoid confrontation or undue pressure re-
garding self-disclosure. More open participants will that people also learn to be aggressive because it pro- striving to enhance their sense of selfdetermination. (1) Healthy Relationships and program Goals
model self-disclosure for more reticent participants. duces some desired effect; we get something out of ■ Rationale: For the first practice assignment, par-
■ Rather than trying to convince participants to
A safe atmosphere for self-disclosure can usually it. Thus, it is important to think of the positives and ticipants are asked to give personal definitions of
change, skilled facilitators will evoke motivation-
be developed within the first one to two meetings. negatives participants experience from aggression.
al statements directly from the participants through healthy and unhealthy relationships and to gen-
■ List pros and cons on a chalk or poster board. careful questioning and reflective listening. erate their goals for the program. These tasks are
III. HANDOUT: designed to enhance motivation by having partici-
■ Shortterm benefits of aggression are discussed, pants reflect on unhealthy aspects of their relation-
Group Philosophy V. HANDOUT:
such as tension release, the communication of in- ships and to set goals for moving towards healthy
■ Instructions: Review each item with the group. tense emotions, forced compliance with one’s de- Meeting Topics
relationships that are free of abuse.
mands, and a sense of control. Help participants ar-
■ Facilitators’ main tasks are to explain that aggres- ■ Rationale: The primary goal of this handout is to
ticulate the ephemeral and often illusory nature of ■ Instructions: When introducing this practice as-
sive and sexually inappropriate behavior is learned instill confidence in the program and to orient par-
these perceived benefits. For example, tension and signment, emphasize the importance of practice
and can be unlearned, to communicate that partic- ticipants to the content of the meetings.
anger may be temporarily suppressed by aggressive assignments in general and the rationale for this
ipants must make a firm commitment to manage outbursts but often escalate in the long run. Partners ■ Instructions: Briefly explain the program content, week’s assignment.
themselves better if they are to benefit from the usually become less responsive to the participants’ noting that individuals may find certain topics to be
program, to emphasize the importance of taking ■ Inform participants that practice assignments will be
feelings and concerns as abuse persists and esca- very personally relevant and other topics less so.
personal responsibility for aggressive and inap- collected and reviewed each week and returned the
lates. Compliance in response to aggression is often
propriate behavior, and to highlight the benefits of ■ Answer participant questions and begin allaying following week so facilitators can give participants
limited and laden with resentment. The perceived
managing distorted thinking, anger, stress, loneli- concerns about their participation. feedback and monitor their progress.
loss of personal control and dignity from abuse
ness and other feelings more effectively. usually outweighs the actual control gained over ■ Tip: Encourage participants to be open-minded but
one’s partner. do not assume that any particular program topic is DESCRIPTION OF THE PROGRAM
IV. GROUP EXERCISE: relevant or helpful for everyone. You are beginning a 6-week group for people who
■ Then elicit negative consequences of aggression,
Pros and Cons of Aggressive and/or reminding participants of negative consequences have had one or more serious problems with another
inappropriate Behavior discussed during the group introductions. Strive to VI. HANDOUT: person that may include relationship conflict, sexual-
■ Rationale: A useful motivational strategy early
list as many cons as possible. Program Expectations ly inappropriate behavior, stalking or harassment. The
goal of this program is to help you to communicate
in interventions for aggressive behavior involves ■ After lists of pros and cons are generated, point out ■ Instructions: Review the “Program Expecta-
with others in clear and direct ways and to manage your
an open discussion of the factors that maintain that there are many more cons than pros and ask tions” handout to ensure that all participants are
emotions and thoughts. During the next 6 weeks, you
the aggression as well as the costs of this participants if there are more effective ways to meet clear on expectations regarding confidentiality,
will learn techniques that have been shown to work.
aggression. This exercise is designed to facilitate the goals of the pros (e.g., “Are there more effective safety of participants, and respect towards other
motivation and tip the decisional balance in favor ways to reduce tension or express one’s feelings?”). participants and leaders. You may find that some material you learn is more
of behavior change for those in earlier stages of State that the program will provide them with more useful than other material. In order to find out what
■ Emphasize importance of attending all meetings.
readiness. effective strategies than they are currently using. works best for you, it is important to try out as many
■ Note: If a participant’s poor attendance becomes different methods as you can in your daily life. Our
■ Instructions: Building on the idea from the PRO- ■ Tips: Participants often find it easier to gen-
disruptive over the course of the meetings, fa- goal is to give you more tools and options to work
GRAM PHILOSOPHY handout that aggression is a erate negative consequences than the pros.
cilitators may re-evaluate the case to determine with so you can feel more in control of challenging
learned behavior that can be unlearned, facilitators It is important to directly state to participants
if the participant should remain in the program. events in your life. In the next 6 weeks, we will help
lead a discussion in which participants are asked that the pros are important to understand be-
for examples of positives (“pros”) and negatives cause these are factors that may keep the aggres-
12 13
you to understand yourself better and to find ways to can be managed without resorting to behavior that ■ Participants may leave the group when necessary. appropriate behavior and sincere efforts to change.
better deal with these problems in your relationships makes other people uncomfortable. They take responsibility for telling others that they ■ Outside of the meetings, all participants are expect-
and your life in general. are leaving and that they will return before the end ed to practice new behaviors.
2 In order for you to get the most out of the program,
Perhaps even more importantly, you will all help of the meeting so that others will not worry.
you will need to make a firm commitment to change
each other understand how to navigate challenging and to work on having better relationships. ■ All members are expected to attend meetings Practice Assignment- Meeting #1
interpersonal issues, or challenging thoughts, and free of any substance or intoxicant that could
respond to them in healthy ways. What you get out 3 You cannot change others, but you can change impair their ability to function in the program. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND
of the program will depend in large part in what you yourself. You will be asked to try new behaviors, If group members are intoxicated, they will be PROGRAM GOALS
put into it. ways of thinking, and ways of understanding your- asked to leave the group session. Medications
self, and to practice them outside of these classes. Practice assignments are an important part of this
This is not an exposure-based program. By this, we should be taken as prescribed. program. They can help you:
mean that we will not go into detail about your child- 4 Many physical health and emotional health bene-
■ No weapons of any kind will be allowed on the  practice new behaviors
hood experiences. However, we will be discussing fits can result from improving self-knowledge, self-
premises.
how your past or how your prior stressful experiences talk, and communication skills.
 figure out ways to handle difficult situations
■ Please turn off cell phones prior to the beginning of
may lead to difficulties in thinking, decision-making 5 Most inappropriate behaviors are learned behaviors.
each meeting.  pay attention to your efforts and progress
or behavior today. New, healthy ways of behaving can also be learned.
■ Members are expected to attend all meetings and to
We value your experience and encourage you to You will be given practice assignments at every
call in advance if they cannot attend. The partici-
tell us what is good and bad about this program so MEETING TOPICS meeting. The facilitators will collect them each week
pants will be informed of any cancellations made.
that we can better help others in the future. We wel- and will give them back to you the following week.
come your feedback throughout the meetings. Meeting 1: Introduction and Welcoming ■ All participants will use respectful language when They may provide suggestions or encouragement, but
referring to individuals who may differ with respect you won’t be “graded.” Please talk to the facilitators
Everything you share in this program is confiden- Meeting 2: Negative Life Events and
to race, gender, and/or sexual orientation. if you have trouble understanding or completing the
tial, and what gets discussed in the room will stay in Relationships
■ Participants are expected to encourage and support practice assignments.
the room. As we discussed during the consent proce- Meeting 3: Roots of Your Communication Style
dures, there are limits to this confidentiality. We do and Understanding Assertiveness
not enter any notes for the meetings and do not dis-
cuss what you say in the meetings to anyone outside Meeting 4: Roots of Your Sexual Behavior
of the participants without your consent. This is a safe Meeting 5: Active Listening
place to speak openly about your feelings, thoughts,
Meeting 6: Expressing Feelings
and behaviors.

PROGRAM PHILOSOPHY PROGRAM EXPECTATIONS

Some simple principles summarize the program ■ Each participant is to be treated with respect. Par-
philosophy: ticipants are expected to behave in ways that will
not be respectful to others.
1 Many factors can contribute to conflict in rela-
tionships and to inappropriate behavior with oth- ■ All participants agree to respect the confidentiality
ers, including prior stressful experiences, distorted of information they learn from others in the pro-
thinking, anger, poor communication, difficulties gram. We refer to one another by first name to help
trusting others, low selfesteem, feelings of pow- ensure the privacy of participants.
erlessness, insecurity, anxiety, depression, ADHD ■ Participants agree not to talk about what is dis-
and/or autism spectrum disorder or other mental cussed in group outside of group; and not to try
health problems, compulsive or problematic por- to figure out the identities of the other people who
nography use, and substance abuse. All of these may have been involved in any incident that was
things can be addressed, and all of these conditions referred to Judicial Affairs.
14 15
PART 1) PART 2)
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships Goals for Program

A) What are your goals for this program? What are some things that you would like to improve
about yourself? (Things to improve about yourself should be things that will have an impact on
A) What is a healthy relationship? others in your life, too).
Please give your definition of a healthy relationship with (a) friends, (b) family, (c) dating and sexual
partners, (d) professors or supervisors.

A healthy relationship with a friend is:

A healthy relationship with family is:

A healthy relationship with a dating or sexual partner is:

MEETING 2: I. Introductions
Negative Life Events and Relationships ■ Instructions: Facilitators request that all partici-
pants re-introduce themselves.
Overview
A healthy relationship with professors of supervisors is: Participants explore their beliefs about healthy and un- II. Practice Assignment:
healthy relationships and their goals for the program. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND
The discussion then shifts to psychoeducational mate-
PROGRAM GOALS
rial that focuses on understanding forms of interper-
sonal aggression and the impact of past experiences ■ Rationale: This assignment should facilitate
B) What is an unhealthy relationship? on how they think, feel and behave. The main clinical further contemplation of, and planning for,
tasks are to enhance motivation and educate partici- behavior change.
Please give your definition of an unhealthy relationship. pants regarding inappropriate or aggressive, and for
participants to gain insight into the effects of prior life ■ This assignment is designed to enhance motiva-
events on their own thought patterns and behavior. tion by having participants reflect on unhealthy
aspects of their relationships and to set goals for
An unhealthy relationship is moving towards healthy relationships.
Meeting Plan
Today we’re going to talk about some of the things that
■ Instructions: Review each item with the
you like about your past and present relationships and
participants. Encourage them to give personal
some of the things you want to work on or change. Af-
definitions of healthy and unhealthy relationships
ter going over definitions of different forms of relation-
and to generate goals for their participation in the
ship aggression, we’re going to talk about negative life
program. During the discussion, facilitate focus on
events and how they affect relationships.
behaviors that the participants can change rather
than focus on trying to change their partners.

16 17
■ Touch base with each participant regardless IV. Handout: V. Handout: VI. Practice Assignments
of whether or not they completed the practice COMMON REACTIONS TO STRESS STRESSFUL LIFE EVENTS AND (1) LIFE EVENT IMPACT QUESTIONS
assignment. AND TRAUMA ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS ■ Rationale: This practice assignment is designed to
■ If participants did not complete the practice as- ■ Rationale: Many students have experienced stress ■ Rationale: This handout focuses on how prior neg- increase awareness of how trauma or previous life
signment, troubleshoot difficulties in complet- or trauma that may contribute to their anger and ative life events may cause us to misinterpret our events may contribute to abuse and relationship ad-
ing the assignment and attempt to problem-solve relationship problems. An important clinical relationship partners and others and respond inap- justment difficulties.
lack of compliance. task of this exercise is to provide psychoeduca- propriately. This material is based on the social in-
tion regarding the link between stress, trauma, formation processing model of aggression, as well ■ Instructions: Provide participants an assignment
III. Handout: and relationship problems, and to normalize the trauma-informed intervention that discuss “core in which they write about the impact that trauma
FORMS OF AGGRESSION impacts of stress and trauma. themes” that may underlie trauma reactions and or other negative life events has had on their
abusive behavior. relationships.
■ Rationale: This topic builds on the healthy rela- ■ Instructions: Review the handout and ask partici-
tionships practice assignment. It is important to pants to provide examples to illustrate the material. ■ Instructions: Review handout while attempting to ■ Inform participants that this practice assignment
emphasize that abusive behavior represents the elicit group member examples highlighting hand- will help them understand the intervention
extreme end of unhealthy relationship behavior. ■ After reviewing the handout, ensure that par- out material. components that may be particularly important
Facilitators provide definitions of abuse that will ticipants understand that the intervention is de- for their specific issues.
be frequently used during the meetings. signed to target problems in those who may have ■ Tips: During discussions of anger enhancing
been exposed to stress and trauma. For example: thoughts, it is often helpful to identify such attri- ■ Encourage the participants to start the assignment
■ Instructions: Introduce this handout by indicating butions about the partner’s intentions and to review as soon as possible so that they have enough time
that these are examples of behaviors that occur o These problems are really common among alternative interpretations of her behavior. to write thoughtfully. Ask them to pick a time and
in unhealthy relationships. those who have experienced stress and trauma. place where they have as much privacy as possible.
The good news is that you’re going to learn ■ Group members often respond well to the “don’t
■ Point out that psychological abuse can be as damag- strategies that have been shown to be helpful assume” rule in which they are instructed to try not FORMS OF ABUSE
ing, or more damaging, than other types of abuse. in dealing with these issues. For example, we to make any assumptions about what the partner
Also mention that research shows that psychologi- will focus on how your thought patterns may thinks and feels and instead to try asking. Within adult relationships, there are several forms
cal abuse early in a relationship is a strong predictor have been influenced by prior events, and how of abuse:
of the development of physical abuse. this contributes to the problems you may be ■ Another version of this is the “assume good inten-
1) Physical Abuse includes all forms of physical ag-
experiencing now. tions” rule in which they are encouraged to make
■ Emphasize that though trauma is related to an- gression. Pushing, grabbing, shoving, slapping,
a cognitive shift from always assuming that the
ger, each person is responsible for their own be- ■ Tip: Facilitators should be aware that focusing on throwing things at the other person, punching, kick-
partner has negative intentions (and looking for ev-
havior and refraining from abuse. the consequences of negative life events can be up- ing, and holding the other person down are all ex-
idence to support this belief) to assuming that the
setting to some members. Leaders may need to re- amples of physical abuse.
partner has good intentions (and looking for evi-
■ Ask participants to commit to remaining non-abu- assure participants that this is a normal reaction, and dence to support this belief).
sive during the program by signing the bottom of it is an important part of the change process. It is 2) Psychological Abuse can be less obvious than
the form. Emphasize that participants will work to- important to understand the symptoms or problems ■ The main clinical goal is simply to help group physical abuse, but is often even more harmful than
gether to support each other’s efforts. one may be experiencing in order to change them. members understand that their thoughts and beliefs physical abuse. Research shows that psychologi-
about the partner are not the final “truth” but are cal abuse early in relationships often escalates to
■ Tip: Participants may disclose or acknowledge ■ Participants may indicate that they have not expe- physical abuse later in relationships. Psychological
only one of many possible ways to view her be-
forms of abuse that they have engaged in when rienced events that would be considered traumat- abuse can take on several forms:
havior and intentions. This can help some group
reviewing this handout. This discussion should ic. When this occurs, facilitators should emphasize members considerably as they begin considering
be encouraged and explored in the context of that other stressful events and experiences can have alternative ways to view the partner’s behavior.
this handout. However, facilitators should refrain an impact on relationship difficulties.
from making directive attempts at eliciting disclo-
sures regarding abusive behavior from specific in-
dividuals.

18 19
 A) Behaviors that make the other person afraid. Ways We See the World Can be Affected 5) Avoidance of reminders of the event is a way of For many of those who have been exposed to stress-
Examples include threats to harm the other by Many Things managing pain by trying to push away difficult ful life events, they had to be extremely alert at all times
person or their reputation, threats to harm thoughts and feelings. This can lead to emotional and be on the lookout for possible danger. Those who
Stressful life events, such as experiencing or wit- experience these events learn to see threats that others
one’s self, threats to harm friends or relatives, numbness, in which people find it difficult to have
nessing abuse during childhood, can change how can’t see. They may also be more likely to incorrectly
intimidating looks or gestures, destruction and express feelings. Emotional numbness is espe-
one sees the world. Other things can influence how see other people’s intentions as negative. For example,
of objects or personal belongings, driving cially difficult for relationships, because emotions
we see the world, too, including depression, anxiety,
recklessly to frighten the other person, help couples feel close to one another. if someone cuts you them off on the highway, they may
too little sleep, not eating enough or properly, watch-
aggression toward walls, doors, furniture, etc. assume that the person did it on purpose when that may
ing a lot of pornography, or conditions such as ADHD
and autism spectrum disorder. This handout describes 6) Depression is also a common reaction to stressful not in fact be the case.
B) Behaviors that attack the partner’s selfesteem. how the way that we see the world can be affected by events. It can include feeling sad and hopeless, and These kinds of errors or biases in thinking can
Examples include put downs, calling the other experiencing trauma or stressful life events: crying more often. The person may lose interest in cause problems in relationships as well. Those who
person stupid, crazy, ugly, or worthless, forcing people and activities they used to enjoy. experience negative life events may assume that
the other person to do humiliating things, 1) People who have been through traumatic experi- their partner is being hostile when it may not nec-
ences or even very difficult experienc- 7) Selfimage and views of others often become more
treating the other person like a child, essarily be the case. Thoughts such as, “She’s just
es may have unwanted thoughts negative after a stressful event. Many people see
etc. trying to manipulate me”, “He’s just trying to push
of them or re-experience the themselves as more negative overall. It is also com-
event(s) repeatedly. Others may my buttons”, “They are trying to make me jealous”,
mon to feel that others cannot be trusted. Relation-
C) Behaviors that limit the other sometimes think that the per- or “She’s trying to control me” are common among
ships become tense when trust decreases. People
person’s basic rights and son is not paying attention to clients who have experienced negative life events.
who experience stressful events may try to have
freedoms. Examples include what he/she is saying, when Some people have received direct and indirect
complete control in relationships and have a tough
trying to stop the other in fact the person is distracted messages about sex that can influence how they
with these memories. time letting the other person have any control. This
person from going places, see themselves and other people. For example, if
leads to controlling behavior.
trying to stop the other person they have learned that sex is “dirty,” or that sex is
from seeing certain friends or 2) Some people have flashbacks,
or vivid images that feel as if 8) On the other hand, some exposed to stressful events only for married people, they may consciously or
family members, trying to stop may feel completely helpless. They become overly unconsciously believe that their own sexual desires
the event is occurring again. Night-
the other person from getting a job passive and easily give in to the demands of oth- are wrong or bad, or what other people who want
mares are also common. This occurs
or going to school, acting like the other because the experience may be so shocking and ers because they feel like they have no control over to have sex outside of marriage are wrong, bad or
person is a servant, etc. so different from everyday experiences that they their lives. They keep their feelings to themselves deserve it if bad things happen to them. Thoughts
cannot fit it into what they know about the world. and may become resentful of others who do not un- called “cognitive distortions” may also occur based
D) Behaviors intended to punish the other person or So to understand what happened, their mind keeps derstand what they are going through. on what we see in movies, TV shows, or pornogra-
make him/her feel insecure in the relationship. bringing the memory back, as if to better digest it phy. For example, “Sending someone a dick pic is
Examples include refusing to have any and fit it in. If you’re experiencing these problems, there are effec- funny,” “Usually it’s slutty people who deserve it
discussion of a problem or relationship issue, tive treatments available. While stressful events can who end up getting raped,” or “Spying on someone
3) Increased arousal (not just sexual arousal) includes contribute to relationship problems, we are ultimately
withholding affection to get back at the other doesn’t really hurt anybody, it’s not like physically
feeling jumpy, being easily startled, and having
person, refusing to acknowledge a problem that responsible for our behavior. assaulting them,” are common among clients who
trouble concentrating or sleeping. The person may
the other person feels is important, leaving and see the world as filled with danger, so their bodies have cognitive distortions about sexual behavior.
angrily refusing to tell the other person where are on constant alert. These reactions are due to the PRIOR LIFE EVENTS AND ALTERNATIVE For some who experience negative life events,
you are going, etc. fight or flight response, which causes our bodies to
THOUGHTS difficulties with trust, intimacy, self-esteem, or
pump out extra adrenaline.
power and control may develop and can also impact
3) Sexual Abuse can includes unwanted sexual con- The way that we see the world and the thoughts how one interprets relationship situations.
tact, pressuring and coercing the other person for 4) Continuous arousal can lead to impatience and that we have can be influenced by stressful events
irritability, especially if the person is not getting For example, if one has experienced betrayal in
sex, using intimidation, threats, or force to make from our past, from our mental state, how we first
enough sleep or the right nutrition. a past relationship, they may have difficulties trust-
the other person have sex or to make the other per- learned about sex, intoxication, feelings of entitle-
ing new people and may make false assumptions
son perform unwanted sex acts, etc. ment that we may or may not know we have, and
that their partner is “cheating” on them or trying
other factors.

20 21
to harm them in some way, or that the other per- ■ One strategy is to not assume that you know 4) How have prior life events affected your self-esteem?
son is trying to “screw them over.” This may also what others are thinking. It is helpful to ask in-
make it difficult for the individual to let others get stead of guess.
too close to them and hinders intimacy for fear of
leaving themselves vulnerable. ■ Another strategy is to slow down before you act,
How does one unlearn these alternative thoughts (or and test out your ideas on another person you trust,
cognitive distortions)? such as a therapist or good friend. (Example: “Do
you think I should post this comment on Twitter?”
■ The first step is to recognize your ways of thinking “Is it a good idea to go to this party?”) 5) How have prior life events affected power and control issues with others?
about situations and search for other possibilities.

Practice Assignment- Session #2

LIFE EVENT IMPACT QUESTIONS
6) What has been the most difficult consequence of stressful life events for you that you have had to
This assignment asks you to write about how life events have affected your relationships. Please bring
deal with?
this with you to your next meeting.

1) How have prior life events affected how you think about sex and intimacy?

7) What else do you notice or realize about yourself that could be relevant?

2) How have prior life events affected your ability to trust others?
MEETING 3: I. Practice Assignment:
Assertiveness ANGER ANALYSIS FORMS
Meeting Plan ■ Instructions: Ask each participant to share their re-
sponses on the Anger Analysis Forms.
Last week we began to focus on anger. Today we’re
going to go over your practice assignment to help you ■ Help participants further elaborate their An-
understand your anger better and to respond assertive- ger Analysis Forms, filling in details about the
3) How have prior life events affected intimacy with others? ly when angry. This week we will also begin to cover thoughts, bodily sensations, and other emotions that
material on communication by looking at how you may accompany anger reactions, and categorizing their
have learned to express your anger. Having an aware- responses to these situations.
ness of how your current form of anger expression de-
veloped can be helpful in guiding you towards more ■ Reiterate the importance of selfawareness in the
constructive ways of expressing your feelings. change process, looking for examples in which par-
ticipants’ awareness of early signs of anger allowed

22 23
 them (or could allow them) to cope effectively with (passive and aggressive) communication styles, IV. Practice Assignment ■ Continue to monitor and troubleshoot lack of ad-
a potentially difficult situation. participants must first understand how they initially (1) ANGER ANALYSIS FORMS herence and avoidance of program material.
developed them.
■ Help the participants point out instances of passive, ■ Instructions: Reiterate the importance of selfaware- ■ Tips: Trust in others is often disrupted follow-
aggressive, and assertive responses to anger pro- ■ Facilitators may indicate that it is not surprising that ness in the change process. ing events that felt like a betrayal. A trauma may
voking situations. participants may experience difficulty in express- have been caused by someone who was supposed
ing feelings since they were never taught how to ■ Encourage participants to document instances of to be trustworthy, or a trauma may have occurred
■ Troubleshooting may need to be done with partici- do so. This makes working on assertiveness skills passive, aggressive, and assertive responses to an- because other people made poor decisions or mis-
pants who did not fully understand the assignment particularly important. ger provoking situations. takes. When traumatized individuals talk about
or who did not complete the assignment for various “trust,” they often talk about it on an all-or-noth-
reasons. III. Group Exercise: Relaxation Training Overview ing basis (e.g., person A is trustworthy; person B is
This meeting begins with a discussion of the practice
■ Instructions: Introduce new relaxation strategy to not). Sometimes they have such strong distrust that
■ If a participant did not complete this assignment, assignment focusing on understanding how life events
cope with stress, anger (e.g., during Time Outs), they feel unable to trust their own relationship part-
it is often helpful to have him log a situation that have affected participants to further facilitate contem-
and other negative emotions. ners or family members, even when these people
occurred over the previous week in group. Facilita- plation of behavior change and build upon psychoedu-
have done nothing to betray the trust. These strong
tors indicate that participants will continue to log at cational material from Meeting 2. The discussion then
■ Hand out the ANGER METER and ask group feelings of distrust are important to discuss because
least one situation per week. shifts to a focus on assertiveness. This material is de-
members to think about a recent anger provoking they can lead to controlling or abusive behavior.
signed to assist participants in striving toward assertive
II. Handout: situation for 1-2 minutes. Then ask group members
expressions of emotions. ■ When problems with intimacy are raised in group,
to rate their level of anger on a scale of 1-10. These
ROOTS OF YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE participants should be reminded about the impact
ratings will be compared with ratings obtained after Meeting Plan
■ Rationale: It is important for participants to under- the relaxation exercise to demonstrate the reduction of emotional numbing symptoms. In addition to fa-
Today we’re going to talk more about how prior life
stand how they may have learned to express anger in anger achieved when doing the exercise. cilitating more positive views on intimacy, facili-
events have affected you and how you think. Then
and other emotions in order to begin to develop tators should highlight the importance of engaging
we’re going to focus more specifically on different
new communication patterns. ■ Conduct the relaxing imagery exercise using the in positive activities with their partner to increase
ways of expressing emotions and to begin to work on
script included in this manual. The room should be their sense of intimacy. Communication and emo-
better communication.
■ Instructions: Explain that this exercise can help made as comfortable as possible. tional expression skills covered in later meetings
develop an awareness of how participants have will also serve to enhance intimacy.
learned to communicate their feelings so they can ■ After completion of the relaxation exercise,
group members are again administered an AN- I. Practice Assignment: ■ Those who report stressful or traumatic life events
begin to unlearn problematic ways of expressing
themselves. GER METER. LIFE EVENT IMPACT QUESTIONS often have low self-esteem because they harshly
judge themselves when they make a mistake, or
■ Rationale: The primary task of this assignment is to
■ Give everyone 5 minutes to think about their an- ■ Group discussion then focuses on the following they unfairly blame themselves for what happened
review material covered in Meeting 2 focusing on
swers to each item and write them down. questions: to them. Low self-esteem can lead to insecurity
the impacts of life events on you.
in relationships and abusive behavior. Facilitators
■ Review each item and process together. o What are the differences between the should note that bad things happen to everyone
■ Instructions: Review each participant’s answers to
two Anger Meters? from time to time, and acceptance of this helps par-
each item with the group.
■ Tips: A number of themes are commonly discussed ticipants let go of blaming themselves for events
o Was their anger rating higher or low-
in this exercise. For example, male participants of- that they did not cause.
er the second time? ■ Ask participants how life events have affected them
ten discuss how they were taught that “real men” do
and their relationships and what the most difficult
not talk about their feelings, and they do not discuss o Were they able to reduce their anger ■ Those experiencing stressful or traumatic events
consequences have been.
negative feelings. These are important areas for dis- arousal via the relaxation exercise? may try to have complete control in relationships
cussion because in order to unlearn dysfunctional If not, why not? ■ Check in with participants to see if they have com- and have a tough time letting the other person have
pleted the practice assignment. any control. As a result, controlling behaviors and
abuse may develop. On the other hand, others feel

24 25
 completely helpless. They might become overly from anger is problematic; whereas, anger in and ■ Highlight that assertiveness does not mean giv- cannot control others’ responses. Remind par-
passive in relationships and easily give in to the of itself is a protective and healthy response. ing in to others. It involves expressing one’s ticipants that there are very few situations (e.g.,
demands of others because they feel like they emotions in a way that is not abusive but still prison) where it is more effective to use aggres-
o Feelings of anger can be important emotional sive or passive responses to conflict. There are
have no control over their lives. They keep their gets one’s needs met.
feedback that gets us to pay attention to the peo- often short term benefits but long term problems
feelings to themselves and may become resent-
ple/places or things that are bothering us. associated with aggressive and/or passive re-
ful of others who do not understand what they ■ Assertiveness involves mutual respect for the rights
sponses to conflict.
are going through. It should be emphasized that o People who experience and healthily express an- and feelings of one’s self and one’s partner. Aggres-
healthy relationships involve sharing power and ger have fewer health problems. sive responses violate the other person’s right to be ■ Remind participants that it takes time and dedicated
control. Relationships in which one person has treated with respect and convey a serious lack of practice to change patterns of behavior.
all the power tend to be abusive. concern for the other person’s feelings. Passive re-
III. Handout: sponses, on the other hand, fail to respect one’s own
rights and feelings. The challenge for participants is IV. Group Exercise: Relaxation Training
II. Group Exercise: What is being assertive? 3 TYPES OF ANGER EXPRESSION
to find the “middle way” responses that are respect- ■ Rationale: Oftentimes discussing prior stress-
■ Rationale: The primary task of this exercise is to ■ Rationale: It is important to discuss distinctions in ful of both one’s own feelings and rights and the ful experiences and anger can bring on feelings
provide psychoeducation about expressing emo- anger expression relatively early in the meeting se- partner’s feelings and rights. of stress or anger. Conducting a relaxation exercise
tions with healthy assertiveness. quence to assist participants in discriminating ap- provides a great opportunity for an in vivo demon-
propriate versus inappropriate responses to anger ■ A very common cycle is as follows: 1) respond pas-
stration of the benefits of relaxation with respect to
■ Instructions: Ask participants to give their definitions provoking situations. sively to relationship issues by avoiding or failing
lowering stress and/or anger arousal.
of being assertive, particularly with regard to anger. to deal with problems that arise (“stuffing” angry or
■ Participants are introduced to the concept of “as- hurt feelings); 2) build up resentments and a list of ■ Instructions: Introduce relaxation techniques as
■ After discussing participants’ assertiveness defini- sertiveness” and the distinction between expressing grievances; and 3) “blow up” with an aggressive re- a strategy to cope with stress, anger (e.g., during
tions, describe the anger response, covering the fol- anger assertively, passively, or aggressively. sponse (cold or angry outburst) that expresses built Time Outs), and other negative emotions.
lowing points: up resentments and bad feelings.
■ Both men and women learn to keep their emotions ■ Review the fight or flight response. Explain that
o The anger response includes thoughts, feelings, in and are not taught how to expression them as- ■ Tips: It is helpful to make the point that openly this physiological reaction is a natural response to
and physical reactions. sertively. Men may be particularly likely to have discussing problems and issues in relationships
threat and stress, and people suffering from stressful
been socialized to express their feelings more ag- can lead to a greater understanding and intima-
life events have an overactive fight-flight response.
o These three components are inter-related. Give gressively. cy, AND it might lead to improvements in recov-
The relaxation strategies covered in this session are
examples (e.g., driving and someone cuts you ery from trauma.
designed to counter these physiological aspects of
off on the road; perceptions of the person’s in- ■ It is common for participants to “stuff” their anger
■ Some participants may feel vulnerable communi- anxiety and anger.
tentions, physiological arousal, and anger are all for fear that they will respond aggressively, or do
inter-related and feed off each other). or say something that they will regret. This may cating in an assertive manner. It will be important
to gently challenge participants by asking them how o There are two goals for this exercise: 1) increase
lead to pent up anger which may result in aggres- your awareness of how your thoughts are related
o The more aware that one is of each part of the an- well their current style of anger expression works
sive outbursts. Aggressive outbursts undermine the to your physical experience of anger and stress,
ger response, the more easily one can implement for them and suggest that the long term benefits of
effort to address legitimate grievances or problems. assertive communication are likely to outweigh the and 2) show you how relaxation exercises can
anger reduction strategies before they feel too far
out of control with anger. short term discomfort. help you cope with stress and defuse your anger
■ With every act of aggression, it becomes more diffi-
responses. Over the past few weeks, you have
o The anger response is a survival response that cult to discuss problems and less likely that the prob- ■ Encourage the use of “I” statements in assertive been learning about your early warning system
when experienced and communicated in an ap- lems will be resolved. Thus, assertiveness training is responding because many participants will make that helps you recognize when you’re getting an-
propriate way can be very useful and healthy. So particularly important for this population. “You statements” (e.g., “You make me so frustrat-
gry. Now that you’re noticing these early signs,
the goal is not to eliminate anger completely but ed, mad, etc.”) without realizing it.
you can catch your anger or notice your stress
manage it better. ■ Instructions: Review the handout with partici-
increasing and use relaxation to help you reduce
pants and ask for examples of each form of anger ■ Some participants may contend that it “doesn’t
o Anger as an emotion is not the same thing as ag- work” to use assertive responses because they your anger before it gets out of control. By doing
expression.
gression as a behavior. Aggression that can result this, you’re defusing anger by distracting your-

26 27
 self from thoughts that might increase your stress V. Practice Assignments ■ The second page of this form assists participants size the importance of including effective “cool-
or anger and by slowing down your body’s phys- (1) ANGER ANALYSIS FORMS in analyzing the strategies that they currently use ing down behaviors” in their arsenal of anger
ical reactions and interrupting the fight/flight re- when confronted with anger-provoking situations. management strategies.
sponse. Let’s practice. ■ Rationale: Selfmonitoring of anger can provide It allows participants to indicate how they respond-
helpful information about the frequency, intensity, ed assertively and the areas that need more work ■ If time permits, participants should each complete
■ Hand out the ANGER METER and ask group situational parameters, and other features of a prob- (e.g., passive and aggressive responses). the Anger Analysis Forms in the meeting, and these
members to think about a recent anger provoking lematic behavior pattern, which in turn can be used can be reviewed in group.
situation for 1-2 minutes. Then ask group members to alter the behavior.
to rate their level of anger on a scale of 1-10. These ■ Instructions: Explain to participants that in order to
ratings will be compared with ratings obtained after manage their anger more effectively, they need to ■ Tip: Some participants may not currently be with a
■ The first page of the Anger Analysis Forms is de-
the relaxation exercise to demonstrate the reduc- become more aware of their anger response and partner and may complain that this assignment does
signed to enhance individuals’ personal
tion in anger achieved when doing the how they respond to anger-provoking situations. not apply. They should be instructed to log other
awareness of the anger response, in-
exercise. angry situations at work, school, or in daily life and
cluding the situational, cognitive,
■ Review the items under each anger style to en- to log difficult or abusive interactions from the past.
and bodily/emotional com-
■ Conduct the relaxing imag- ponents of anger. Enhanced sure that participants understand them. Empha-
ery exercise using the script awareness can be helpful in
included in this manual. The participants’ attempts to per-
room should be made as form alternative behaviors
comfortable as possible. like Time Out. The earlier in
the anger sequence that indi-
■ After completion of the relax-
viduals can “tune in,” the more
ation exercise, group members
likely they are to successfully
are again administered an AN-
manage a difficult situation.
GER METER.

■ Group discussion then focuses on the following ■ This self-monitoring may also provide a
questions: clear picture of the cognitive and interpersonal
themes in the participants’ anger problems. Most
o What are the differences between the two individuals become intensely angry in response
Anger Meters? to a few specific themes that are in turn linked
to problematic selfconceptions. For example, an
o Was their anger rating higher or lower the individual might become very hurt and angry at
second time? the slightest sign of rejection, even imagined re-
o Were they able to reduce their anger arousal jection, from the partner. This theme of rejection
via the relaxation exercise? If not, why not? and abandonment might be linked to self-esteem
problems that may have resulted from trauma.
■ After completing this exercise, provide all group Often, other potentially relevant core themes of
members with handout containing suggested re- trust, intimacy, and power and control were cov-
laxation apps to assist group members in their cool ered earlier in the material for this meeting.
down efforts.

28 29
 3 TYPES OF ANGER EXPRESSION ANGER METER

Rate Yourself on the Anger Meter

AGGRESSIVE ANGER PASSIVE ANGER **ASSERTIVE ANGER** _________________________________________________________________________________________
1 3 5 7 10
• Goal is domination and control • Goal is to avoid conflict • Goal is to resolve conflict
and increase understanding COMPLETELY COMPLETELY
• Can be physical or verbal/ • Anger is turned inward; RELAXED ANGRY
emotional thoughts and feelings are
not expressed
• needs,
Communication of thoughts, Check the body signals that you are experiencing
and/or feelings is
• Includes blaming, name- direct and clear Shallow or rapid breathing Relaxed breathing
calling, using put-downs, • Anger is “stuffed down” but Rapid heartbeat Low heartbeat
threatening, getting loud can still build up inside • without
Anger expressed clearly
blaming, threatening,
Tense muscles Relaxed muscles
Sweaty palms or clenched hands Relaxed hands
• Puts the other person on the
defensive so they want to
• No solution can be achieved
because feelings and needs
or raising your voice
Restlessness or trembling Calm and relaxed
Hot flashes or chills No hot flashes or chills
fight back are not communicated • person’s
Involves listening to the other
Tense stomach Relaxed stomach
perspective
Chest tension Chest relaxed
• Frightens other people so they • Needs are not met
don’t want to deal with you or • Involves taking responsibility
listen to you
• Anger can “explode” into
aggressive anger when it builds
for one’s actions

fold at the dotted line

• Can have many negative
consequences: loss of trust and
up and isn’t expressed • Includes setting limits and
making suggestions for Rate Yourself on the Anger Meter
closeness, loss of relationships,
people refusing to interact with
• Negative physical
consequences: upset stomach,
compromise and ways to
solve the conflict
you or help you, legal trouble, headaches, muscle tension 1 3 5 7 10
health problems
• Reduces negative conse-
quences and increases chances COMPLETELY COMPLETELY
of ending the conflict and RELAXED ANGRY
getting needs met
Check the body signals that you are experiencing

• Improves relationships Shallow or rapid breathing Relaxed breathing

Rapid heartbeat Low heartbeat
Tense muscles Relaxed muscles
Sweaty palms or clenched hands Relaxed hands
Restlessness or trembling Calm and relaxed
Hot flashes or chills No hot flashes or chills
Tense stomach Relaxed stomach
Chest tension Chest relaxed

30 31
 Practice Assignment
RELAXATION EXERCISE ANGER ANALYSIS FORMS

Briefly describe a recent anger situation.

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

What were your physical reactions during this anger episode? (Please circle or add your own).

muscles tight teeth clenched blood rushing rapid breathing sweating

heart racing adrenaline rush headache stomach pain trembling

Add your own ____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

Breathing: _______________________________________________________________________________

In for 5, What were your feelings during this anger episode? (Please circle or add your own).

hold for 5, mad disgusted rageful jealous ashamed hurt

out for 5 sad glad depressed embarrassed lonely frustrated

scared irritable anxious humiliated guilty horrified

Add your own ____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

What were your thoughts during this anger episode? (Please circle or add your own).

“If I don’t stuff my anger, I’ll blow up.”

“S/he is trying to push my buttons.”

“I’ll show her/him who they are dealing with.”

“S/he is not listening to me, and I need to make him/her understand my side.”

“S/he is not on my side.”

“I’m going to get my way no matter what.”

32 33
Add your own ____________________________________________________________________ PASSIVE:

_______________________________________________________________________________ ____Did not communicate your thoughts and feelings

____Withdrew or walked away in an attempt to avoid addressing the problem

_______________________________________________________________________________
____Dwelled on feelings of anger and defeat without attempting to solve the problem

____Used a form of negative distraction (e.g., drinking or other substance, risky behaviors)
How did you respond to this situation? Check off your behaviors.
____Used sarcasm
ASSERTIVE:

____Asked clarifying questions instead of making accusations

____Communicated your needs without demeaning or being sarcastic to the other person Add your own __________________________________________________________________
____Expressed your feelings about the issue

____Took a Time-Out

____Used “I” statements (e.g., “I am upset” instead of “You make me upset”) COOLING DOWN BEHAVIORS:
____Used polite language (e.g., no swearing or insults) ____Worked off your anger through physical activity or exercise
____Approached problem with a constructive attitude and tone ____Spoke to a friend or professional
____Set limits (e.g., explain that you will not tolerate certain behaviors) ____Used positive distraction (e.g., favorite hobby or activity)
____Suggested a compromise to a disagreement ____Created a soothing environment (e.g., put on music, took a warm bath)
____Controlled your display of anger despite the other person’s reaction ____Treated yourself to something special (e.g., a nice lunch, a massage)

____Wrote down your feelings

Add your own __________________________________________________________________ ____Did a deep breathing or relaxation exercise

AGGRESSIVE:
Add your own __________________________________________________________________
____Made verbal threats

____Used inflammatory language (e.g., swearing and/or insults)

____Raised voice or used a sarcastic/demeaning tone

____Glared at or “stared down” the other person

____Broke or threw something

____Became physically aggressive

Add your own __________________________________________________________________

34 35
MEETING 5: ■ Leaders may write out a list on a poster board o Listening is a difficult skill that takes practice. ■ Monitor participants’ use of “yes, but…” statements,
Active Listening to summarize the group’s ideas. Highlight as this pattern of communication can undermine
o Understanding another point of view does not
common themes. active listening skills.
Overview equal agreement, i.e., you can understand some-
Participants discuss aspects of good and bad communi- ■ Discuss the importance of good verbal and one and still disagree with them. ■ Often participants will report having a difficult
cation, after which the discussion focuses specifically nonverbal communication and begin to emphasize time listening without trying to come up with their
on active listening skills. Active listening is empha- the importance of listening skills. own response. One suggestion may be to approach
IV. Group Exercise:
sized because they are the foundation of good commu- listening with CURIOUSITY – tell members to be
nication and are critical for the de-escalating conflict ■ Tips: Leaders guide participants to recognize
ACTIVE LISTENING ROLE-PLAY
as curious as possible about what the other partner
and enhancing intimacy. Listening skills are particu- that good communication usually involves an ■ Instructions: Ask the group for volunteers to is trying to communicate.
larly important when significant trauma symptoms are exchange of ideas or information, clear expression participate in an active listening role-play either
present in one or both members of the couple because of feelings, and a sense of understanding. with one of the facilitators or another participant.
information processing abilities are often compro- V. Practice Assignments
mised by emotional arousal. ■ Leaders point out that in bad communication ■ Ask other participants to provide feedback and (1) ACTIVE Listening PRACTICE
information is often not exchanged because it then process the role-play with the group.
Meeting Plan is held back or ignored, feelings are expressed ■ Rationale: This assignment will provide additional
Last week we looked at the roots of your sexual style. indirectly or in an intimidating or hurtful fashion, ■ Tips: Some participants may indicate that active practice using these skills.
Today we’re going to go over listening skills to help you and people feel frustrated and lonely. listening feels awkward or unnatural. Leaders
should reassure them that it is normal for this to ■ Instructions: Participants should practice active
work on communicating what you want, and emotions,
■ If participants do not generate this, leaders remind feel awkward at first, but it becomes more natural listening skills learned in this session with their
more effectively. partner or others throughout the week.
them that “I” statements are preferable to “you” with regular practice, and partners usually have a
statements. very positive reaction to active listening.
I. Practice Assignment:
SEXUAL IMPULSE LOG
III. Handout:
■ Instructions: Ask each participant to share their
ACTIVE LISTENING
responses on the homework.
■ Rationale: When people think about communication,
■ Reiterate the importance of selfawareness in the they often think more about how they get their
change process. point across than how they show they are listening.
Learning to be a better listener is actually the most
II. Handout: efficient way to improve communication.
GOOD COMMUNICATION
DOS AND DON’TS ■ Active listening is important because it helps one’s
partner feel listened to. There is a large difference
■ Instructions: Ask participants to take a few
between hearing what someone says and actually
minutes to write answers to the first three
listening to them.
items on the handout: “Good communication is
___”, “Bad communication is ___”, and “The ■ Instructions: Review the ACTIVE LISTENING
most important communication problem in my handout and emphasize the following:
relationship is (or was) ___”.
o Active listening does not mean losing the ar-
■ Encourage participants to provide personal gument or giving in to one’s partner. It simply
examples of their own good and bad means making an effort to understand their
communication. partner’s feelings.

36 37
GOOD COMMUNICATION When you thought about bad communication, did you It is very important to keep a listening mindset
think about things that the other person does? Did you while paraphrasing. Remember that paraphrasing is
Most people agree that good communication is an important part of healthy relationships. Communica- think of any things that you do? Many of us expect oth- a skill to help you understand what the other person
tion means different things to different people. What does it mean to you? er people to change first. Waiting for the other person is saying or feeling. Almost nobody says things ex-
actly the way they want to on the first try. Therefore,
to change will never work. You can change communi-
Good communication is: other people will often clarify themselves after you
cation in your relationships by working on it yourself.
paraphrase what they have said. If you lose the lis-
_______________________________________________________________________________ We will be talking about both verbal and nonverbal tening mindset, you will be tempted to twist the other
communication in this program. While things you say person’s words to get your own point across. This is
Bad communication is: are important, your body language and other nonverbal not active listening; it is an indirect attempt to ex-
ways of expressing yourself (e.g., facial expression) press your own feelings. Remember that you will get
_______________________________________________________________________________ can be equally important. a chance to express your feelings more directly after
Communication can also be broken up into the other person feels understood.
speaking and listening. As we will discuss in the
The most important communication problem in my present life is (or, if none now, then most recently): next exercise, showing your partner that you are lis- (2) Clarifying Through Questions
tening to her is the most important communication
Once you adopt an active listening mindset, you will
_______________________________________________________________________________ skill that you can learn.
realize that there are many things you don’t understand
about most other people’s thoughts and feelings. The
_______________________________________________________________________________ ACTIVE LISTENING
simplest approach is to ask, without judging or accus-
The use of active listening skills is the most effective ing, what that person feels (caveat: ask courteously if
_______________________________________________________________________________
way to make people feel that you understand their mes- a Professor, Dean, law enforcement, authority, etc. as
sage. During conversations, especially heated ones, it can come across the wrong way). When you have a
most of us concentrate on getting our point across. We question in mind, ask yourself whether the question is
Here are some other ideas about good and bad communication that come from research studies and designed to prove your point or whether it is an honest
think about whether the other person understands us.
therapists who work with couples. attempt to understand the other person. If the question
To improve listening skills, however, we need a dif-
ferent mindset. In an active listening mindset, under- is genuine, then the other person is likely to answer in
Good communication can help you: standing the other person’s feelings takes priority. The a way that will help you understand. If the question
goal is to hear the other person out without imposing is a disguised attempt to prove a point, then the other
1) understand the other person’s feelings and desires your own feelings or opinions. Once the other person person may respond defensively.
feels that you understand what they are saying, then it
2) express your own feelings and desires will be much easier for you to communicate your own (3) Validating
feelings and opinions.
3) develop closeness, trust, and mutual support The highest level of active listening is when you un-
Paraphrasing, clarifying through questions, and val-
idating are the three main elements of active listening. derstand what the other person feels and why they
4) solve problems with loved ones
have these feelings. We call this validation – being
able to understand why other people think, feel, or
(1) Paraphrasing
act the way they do. Validation occurs when you can
Bad communication can: “Paraphrase” means to put something in your own honestly say “I see why you feel that way.” This is
words. Good listeners often paraphrase what the other the goal of active listening.
1) erode trust and closeness person has said in order to find out if they understand.
Example phrases to start paraphrasing are:
2) leave people feeling disrespected, resentful, hurt, and angry
“What I hear you saying is …”
3) lead to many unresolved problems
“So you feel …”
4) lead to struggles for power and control “So what you want is …”

38 39
ROLE PLAYS (4) The Dean of your university is telling you that you Remember, ACTIVE LISTENING consists of three parts:
that you have violated a campus rule about fire hazards
(1) You have a legitimate excuse for having turned in by having a hot plate in your dormitory room and that (1) Paraphrasing: Repeat back to the person your understanding of what they said.
an assignment late and missed a class, but the profes- you will now face suspension. The university has suf- (2) Clarifying through Questions: Ask what the other person feels without judging or accusing.
sor will not give you a break and offer an extension. fered major fire-related incidents in the past and takes
This means that you will fail the class. You have de- fire violations very, very seriously. You didn’t realize (3) Validation: Show you understand why the other person thinks, feels, or acts the way they do.
cided to talk to the professor. You are very angry and that the rule carried such consequences, or even that
frustrated that she is being so unreasonable. you were necessarily breaking a rule, as you didn’t
What was the situation or topic for which you used active listening?
(2) You have been doing your roommate’s dishes have an open flame and so many other people also
for two months without telling him how much it have hot plates. You aren’t sure why you, personally,
_________________________________________________________________________
bothers you. You figured that he would eventual- are being made an example of about this. The Dean
ly notice and maybe sometimes do yours, or even seems unmovable about the sanction and you are more _________________________________________________________________________
apologize. Now he seems to just expect you will than angry—you feel enraged and at the end of your
do his dishes. You have decided to talk to your rope. Now the Dean wants to meet about it. _________________________________________________________________________
roommate because you realize that your feelings of
resentment are mounting to the point you want to Practice Assignment _________________________________________________________________________
move out over this. ACTIVE LISTENING PRACTICE
_________________________________________________________________________
(3) Your partner says that you don’t spend enough The purpose of this assignment is to give you practice
time with them. They want you to be at home with in active listening. Please make a point of using active What did you like about how you used active listening?
them at least 3 evenings a week. You can’t prom- listening with your partner or someone else at least 2-3
ise that because you are working for the local radio times over the next week. Choose topics that matter to _________________________________________________________________________
station and have to accept whatever prime slots they you but don’t choose topics that will likely lead to an
give you, which are usually night/evening. On top argument. It is best to practice these skills under low _________________________________________________________________________
of that, you’ve just joined a competitive roller derby stress situations first before you practice with more dif-
team that practices 4 nights a week and weekends. ficult situations. Choose one of those practices to write _________________________________________________________________________
You don’t want to lose the relationship, and you about for this assignment.
wish that your partner would just back off. Have a _________________________________________________________________________
conversation about it.
_________________________________________________________________________

What would you do differently next time?

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

40 41
MEETING 6: o In order to help you figure out how you feel, we about feeling hurt or afraid may require part of their continued work after treatment. These
Expressing Feelings will be discussing emotions today. There seems being more vulnerable than expressing individuals may not know how to find a therapist or
to be some primary emotions, or feelings, which happiness or anger. ask his partner to participate.
Participants review their communication self-mon- include Mad, Sad, Scared, Disgusted, and Glad.
itoring forms and the active listening practice as- These primary feelings exist on a continuum ■ Instructions: Review the handout and elicit ■ Encourage realistic and honest appraisals of prog-
signment. Program material then focuses on how from a lower level to a higher level (give exam- examples/feedback from the group. ress made by participants for themselves sand other
avoidance can lead to difficulties expressing emo- ples from handout). The intensity of feelings can program participants, and be clear about potential
tions in relationships. Strategies for expressing feel- also range across people and different situations. V. Group Exercise: future risks.
ings are provided. Emotional expression skills are CONTINUING THE CHANGE PROCESS
important for enhancing intimacy and understand- o Often people find it easier to express anger than ■ Provide specific information and address questions
ing in relationships. Next, participants explore gains other feelings, even if other feelings are underly- ■ Rationale: This exercise focuses on plans to about continuing the change process after the end of
made in the group. They identify goals and strate- ing their anger. continue work after the end of group. the group. Some group members may benefit from
gies for future change along with barriers to change self-help books, self-help groups such as Alcohol-
o You can also take the primary feelings and com- ■ Instructions: Troubleshooting, encouragement,
and strategies to overcome these barriers. Program ics or Gamblers Anonymous, relationship enhance-
bine them to create other feelings (give examples coaching, and further information are often need-
leaders help participants develop a realistic apprais- ment seminars, or from information or referrals to
from handout) ed at this point. For example, some group members
al of changes made and to help them identify areas other local resources.
would like to enter couples’ or individual therapy as
needing continued attention and strategies for con- ■ Ask participants which emotions they feel most
tinuing this work after the program ends. frequently and which emotions they may have
difficulty talking about.
I. Review Practice Assignment:
III. Handout:
ACTIVE LISTENING PRACTICE BASIC INTENSITY OF FEELINGS
EXPRESSING FEELINGS FEELINGS
■ Rationale: To provide additional practice in using
■ Rationale: This handout emphasizes the MAD Irritable Annoyed Angry Hostile
these skills. Rageful
importance of openly expressing feelings in
■ Instructions: Review the concept of active combating avoidance.
SAD Down Glum Depressed Misserable Despondent
listening (i.e., paraphrasing, clarifying through
■ Instructions: Initiate a group discussion related to
questions, and validating). SCARED Cautious Apprehensive Anxious Terrified
the content and questions posed in this handout.
■ Encourage participants to give examples of active
■ It is important to emphasize the possible dangers DISGUSTED Turned off Appaled Revolted
listening.
of avoiding emotional expression; this may
■ Remind participants to avoid “yes, but…” damage relationships and exacerbate/prolong GLAD Content Pleased Happy Delighted Ecstatic
statements. PTSD and other trauma-related problems.

II. Handout: IV. Handout:

IDENTIFYING FEELINGS TIPS FOR EXPRESSING FEELINGS FEELING COMBINATIONS
■ Rationale: The Identifying Feelings handout ■ Rationale: As a result of emotional numbing,
individuals may have difficulty expressing both Guilty Jealous Embarrassed Humilliated Ashamed
is presented to help participants expand their
emotional language. positive and negative emotions, particularly at the
relationship-level, which affects intimacy. Lonely Dissapointed Hurt Frustrated
■ Instructions: Discuss the relevance of emotional
numbing, identifying feelings, and expressing ■ Sharing feelings is one way that couples feel Horrified
feelings. intimate and close to each other. Being honest

42 43
EXPRESSING FEELINGS 2) Use “I” statements. The way that you phrase things
is important in expressing feelings. Phrases such as
Feelings are the glue that holds any type of relationship What parts of the group did you find helpful?
“I feel ...”, or “I would like...” are much more effective
together. Expressing your feelings builds intimacy and
than phrases such as “You make me feel ...”, “You
trust. A really important thing to know is that these _________________________________________________________________________
never ...”, or “You always ...”.
feelings DO NOT have to be only positive. It seems that
the SHARING of feelings is more important than the _________________________________________________________________________
3) Be non-judgmental. Remember that there are no
TYPE of feelings shared. right or wrong feelings. It is important to not judge
Some individuals, especially if they have been ex- _________________________________________________________________________
how the other person feels.
posed to trauma or have had negative prior experiences What are some of the things you have learned about yourself and your relationships with others
in relationships, often avoid expressing their feelings. 4) Remember to listen. It can be easy to go into “fix as a result of the group?
When you avoid expressing your feelings, you are likely it” mode when the other person is expressing
to feel more disconnected from the other person, and distress or concern. The other person may _________________________________________________________________________
problems may not get better. When you directly deal want your attention and understanding rather
with feelings, you are better able to make sense of them. than suggestions about how to fix the problem. _________________________________________________________________________
Remember the importance of active listening.
■ Can you think of a time that you or another person
Ask if the other person wants to hear your ideas _________________________________________________________________________
shared a feeling (not necessarily positive) with one
about how to fix the problem. Be understanding
another and it made you feel closer to them? What would you like to continue working on after group is over?
if the other person just wants to vent.
■ What ways do you avoid expressing feelings? _________________________________________________________________________
Handout- Session #6
■ What do you fear might happen if you shared CONTINUING THE CHANGE PROCESS
_________________________________________________________________________
more in your relationships? Although 6 weeks may seem like a long time, it is a
very short time to make major changes in your life. _________________________________________________________________________
TIPS FOR SHARING FEELINGS Hopefully, this program has helped you to think
How do you plan to continue working on these things? Will you seek out additional help after the
1) Practice identifying your real feelings. Some feelings about where you could make some changes that
group is over?
tend to overpower other feelings. For example, could be useful. The rest is up to you. The purpose
anger often hides embarrassment, fear, or hurt. It of this assignment is to help you think about what _________________________________________________________________________
takes practice to get at the root of how you feel. you have learned from the group, the changes you
Practice asking yourself “what am I really feeling?” have made, and what issues you think you need to _________________________________________________________________________
This question will help you think through what is work on after the group has ended.
most important to communicate to your partner. _________________________________________________________________________

What might get in the way of you continuing to make positive changes? How will you address
these potential problems?

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

44 45