Ta le s of B

e f u d d l e m e nt a n d D r e a d
1
With many thanks to all the Kickstarter backers who made
this book possible and Hana for all her gruesome ideas.

2
 INTRODUCTION

A long, long, long time ago an old and miserly illustrator

made a pact to make one hundred of the finest ink drawings that
had ever been seen.

“I shall make one hundred drawings in one hundred days!”

he boasted loudly. “And you shall all proclaim them to be great
and wonderful and shall want to gaze upon them forevermore.”

And so he started to draw. Again and again he scratched his inky

nib across the page trying to capture the visions that danced and
clattered about his head.

But a darkness overcame him and a thick mist surrounded him.

After a while he could not see the monsters anymore and he lay
down and let the visions escape. For many nights he lay there, his
mind an empty hole. Until a great clamouring roused him from his
slumber. And when he awoke he found the mist had gone and the
visions were back, more dreadly and beautiful than ever before.

One hundred days had turned into five hundred, but finally the
tired, old illustrator, his hair now white and his skin a deathly
grey colour, emerged from his dingy room and held up a book.
The book was so filled with befuddlement and dread that all
those who looked upon it were somewhat changed.

And now, it is your turn to embark upon this journey of wonder

and despair. Take care when perusing these pages for what is
contained within will make your eyes curl and your mind ache.

I know all this to be true, dear reader, for you see, I was
that illustrator.

3
DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS, MY DEAR

Do not go into the woods, my dear

Do not go into the woods, my dear

For in the woods Bill Swindle waits,

A grin stretched tight across his face,

As weary trav’lers pass him by

Out he pops to ask them why

And how and where and whenst they go

And in their minds deep dread he’ll sow

Back to the woods with them he’ll slide

And sit and watch and wait and hide

Until the next soul doth appear

That he may feast upon their fear

Do not go into the woods, my dear

Do not go into the woods, my dear

4
For in the woods Bill Swindle waits, a grin stretched tight across his face.

5
Dingsworth High Street – 1884. Just before the incident.

6
There was no doubt that this was the address she had given him. Cadaver’s of Knell Street.
But now that he was here something didn’t feel quite right.

7
It began to dawn on young master Pib that he had no idea where he was going.

8
She clutched the box to her chest, her heart trembling like
a bowl of jelly being eaten by an unruly five year old.

9
Old Mother Withersnatch was not best pleased with his announcement.

10
 THE LOST THING

Hurriedly the giant man in the ill-fitting suit and Blowing the thick, blue smoke out in a big, round
hobnail boots made his way through Rottencuff cloud she squinted hard at the big lump of a man
Market, back to the arches under the crumbling in front of her. Without saying anything she
railway bridge. Those that knew him, and many waited for him to speak.
in those parts were unfortunate enough to do
“’e got away,” the man finally stammered,
so, were quick to get out of his way. But today,
squeezing his doffed hat tight.
they noted with suspicion, he seemed less intent
“What do you mean ‘e got away?” squawked the
on menace than was customary.
old lady, her nose twitching in anger.
By the time he reached his destination there
“’e were too fast, ma’am. ‘e slipped down them
were clear signs of apprehension showing on his
alleys like a greasy weasel,” the brute apologised.
bescarred and mottled face. His whole frame
“Before I knew it ‘e’d disappeared.”
seemed to shrink as he carefully picked his way
towards the tiny, hidden doorway. In a timorous Old Mother Withersnatch was not best pleased
manner he raised his great, hairy hand and with with his announcement. She stood there glaring
its big, red knuckles tapped warily on the door. at him while she sucked on her pipe. Finally, her
eyes cold like a fish’s, she blew the smoke into
After a time, which the giant spent shifting
his face and spoke, her voice an angry scratch.
himself uncomfortably from one foot to the
other, the door opened and out stepped a short, “You’d better find ‘im before they find you or
nettle-faced old lady. She had on a large bonnet it’ll be your sorry ‘ead they take with ‘em.” And
and was wrapped in an old, tattered shawl and with that she disappeared back into the tiny,
in her wrinkled hand she grasped a long claypipe hidden doorway and the giant man was left
from which she took several quick, deep puffs. standing nervously by the crumbling arches.

11
Wilfred and Wilicent waited patiently by the window.

12
She was startled to see Oscar in the woods, his face covered in pigeon.
“It’s not what it looks like,” he stuttered.

13
 GENTLEMAN BILL

They called him Gentleman Bill even though he was not a

gentleman and his name was not Bill. A stout fellow in a drab,
grey coat with a fat, brown hat perched on his head and a dirty
handkerchief tied loosely round his neck. He considered himself
a poetic sort of soul and was in the habit of telling all those who
would listen his stories. But his words were lumpy and obvious
and left all who heard them quite unmoved.

14
They called him Gentleman Bill, though he wasn’t a gentleman and his name was not Bill.

15
There are places you can go in London where you can buy
whatever your heart desires for only a shilling.

16
“Take it,” she said, pressing the small parcel into his hands. “But tell no-one.”

17
“It is too late to change your mind now,” he gloated. “It’s already begun.”

18
“I intend on going through that door whether you like it or not,” said Mr McWheedle.

19
“We mustn’t let them see you,” she whispered.

20
 ORRIDGES AND LEMONS

Orridges and Lemons

Shout the bells of St. Clemmonds

Pickles and Gherkins

Say the bells of Great Burking

Badgers and Sticks

Scream the bells of St. Wickes

In the darkest of hours while you sleep in your bed

Here come the Demons to pull off your head

21
He was certain that she had come this way. But now she was nowhere to be seen.

22
He glanced at his watch. “We must hurry. It has already begun.”

23
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE PLEBSMOUTH INCIDENT
BY EMMELINA SNOOPSWORTH

I had heard several rumours about strange window and pulled a blanket over me. I sat
proceedings occurring in the coastal town there peering out of the window wondering if,
of Plebsmouth and, as I was due some leave, perhaps, I might see more signs of life during
decided that I would make an excursion there the night.
for a day or two and see if I could uncover
I must have dozed off for it was about three
anything of interest.
‘clock in the morning when I was startled awake
The journey there in my blimp was uneventful by something moving in my room. Inspecting
and I made good time, arriving three hours after the darkness, I saw strange, slithering shapes
my departure at approximately eleven-thirty oozing from behind the skirting board. They
in the a.m. I landed some miles away, behind a were twisting and feeling around the room as if
hedge, so as not to arouse any suspicion amongst searching for me.
the locals and walked the remaining distance
Covered in my blanket I must have been
on foot. My guise was to act as a walker who
difficult to spot as I witnessed them probing
was merely interested in local history and
with frustration around the bed.
coastal paths.
I have never been one to shirk a challenge and,
Plebsmouth made for a rather picturesque town,
leaping up, I grabbed my torch and shone a beam
nestled under dark grey cliffs in a natural cove
onto the sinewy forms snaking along the floor.
with a sweeping greenish beach of mud. From a
They recoiled in the bright light and withdrew
distance it certainly didn’t appear any different
into their holes and cracks with a hiss.
from the countless other towns and villages that
dot the British coastline. Deciding it best not to spend another moment
in this town I made my way down the hall
Walking down the desolate high street with its
and noticed, through various open doors, that
shuttered windows and empty shops I did not
the tentacles were in every room, wrapping
pass a soul. Perhaps they are all taking lunch or
themselves tightly around each occupant and
are busy at work somewhere, I thought, yet still
squeezing their poison into them.
I felt a growing sense of unease. I found some
lodgings and took a room for the night. Asking I lit as many lamps as possible as I passed and
the landlady about the town proved fruitless. was pleased to hear defeated hisses and slithers
She stared at me with an unintelligent suspicion behind me as I left. But I knew it would not
and pointed me out the door. last long.
I spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the Now out in the open, the darkness seemed to
small town, though I found little to explore. It swell and squirm around me. Wherever I shone
consisted of not much more than a harbour with my light the tentacles would retreat, but I could
around twenty decrepit fishing boats moored feel them waiting for a chance to ensnare me like
by weather-worn ropes, an empty high street they had ensnared the townsfolk. As long as I
and a few house-filled alleys sprouting off of had my torch I was safe, but I had to leave that
a deserted town square. The few locals I did accursed place as quickly as possible. Once out
meet had vacant, unthinking eyes and a strange of that town and its evil coil I got back into my
shambling gait. They were polite enough, but I blimp and set off for London where I reported
received little in the way of good conversation my findings the very next morning to the
and I sensed they were keen for me to leave. necessary authorities.
After an insufficient supper I retired to my room But, as I told the officials my story I felt a
and made plans to leave the next morning. That growing sense of unease. They seemed not to
night, though, I was unable to sleep. Something care and stared at me with vacant, unthinking
about the town and its shuffling inhabitants eyes. After I finished I watched in horror as
left me feeling perturbed. Instead of going to they shuffled back into their rooms, sat down
bed I moved the rickety chair to the curtainless and turned off the lights.

24
The darkness seemed to swell and squirm around her.

25
The strange little man beckoned urgently to follow.

26
“It’s not a gherkin! It’s a pickled finger!”

27
She held the horrid little man aloft.

28
 A L ADY OF MEANS

Bettery Crockwell had always been a tall lady, but after the
experiment she grew and grew until now, standing four and
twenty feet high, she was taller than many houses. People would
often point and stare, but Bettery did not care. Being of such a
grand size had many advantages and she enjoyed the view.

One day as she was sat crouched throughout her house, she heard
a great commotion. Opening the roof she stepped outside to see
a man shouting and cursing in the marketplace. “I’m Donnery
Grimp!” he shouted. “And I’ll ‘ave you know, that I do as I please.
Ain’t no-one can thwart Donnery Grimp.”

He swung a stick at the market folk as he spoke and spattled and

prattled if anyone came near. No-one knew quite what to do.

But Bettery did and striding forward she stepped over the crowd
of bemused onlookers and picked Mr Grimp up between her
thumb and forefinger. She held the horrid little man aloft while
he wriggled and kicked.

“There really is no need for such behaviour,” she scolded as she

walked purposefully to the riverside. Hoisting her skirts up she
waded to the middle of the river and plomped Donnery Grimp
upon a sludgebank.

“Now no-one can thwart you,” she said as she made her way
back to the shore. “And you can do as you please to your
heart’s content.”

29
 THE VENUS WOLFTR AP

Jeremy Twiddlestick had four dogs each and every one a Spaniel.
They were called Daniel, Nathaniel, Emmanuel and Keith. And
Jeremy loved them all.

One day his mother came home with a rather unusual plant, no
bigger than an egg. His mother warned him not to go near as it
was a very rare species of Venus Wolftrap.

The plant grew and grew to a considerable size and Jeremy

pondered on why it was getting so big. The next Monday Daniel
did not come for din-dins. On Tuesday Nathaniel could not be
found. On Wednesday when they went for a walk Emmanuel
was not there. On Thursday he called for Keith but Keith never
came. On Friday the plant was twice its size and plump and green
and hearty. Young Jeremy Twiddlestick often wondered where
his beloved spaniels had gone. And he never saw them again.

30
Young Jeremy Twiddlestick often wondered where his beloved spaniels had gone.

31
Every night she rose from the ground, near the geraniums, and stared at the moon.

32
 GHOST IN THE GER ANIUMS

Every night she rose from the ground, near the Looking up he saw that night had fallen and
geraniums, and stared at the moon. Edwidge Edwidge, feeling tired and spent, decided that
Thwipple was struck by how beautiful she he should cease his toils. As he was about to
seemed and watched intently as she floated climb out of the hole he saw the ghostly figure
forlornly over to the house and pointed at a approaching and so he waited to see what
patch of grass under the Dining Room window. further instructions he might decipher.

She looked at him, her eyes sad and grey, as if She paused at the edge of the hole and looked
trying to convey some message from the Other down at him. Again he was struck by how
Side. And then she floated back to her spot near beautiful she was. She seemed to gesture to him
the geraniums and disappeared once more into to sit, no, lie down in the hole and he did as she
the earth. commanded. A smile crossed her face and she
nodded. Then before Edwidge could react she
The next day Edwidge resolved that he would
began to fill the hole back in. Edwidge tried to
help her and went to town to buy a shovel.
get up as the great mounds of soil were pushed
Upon his return he went straight to the patch
in on top of him with a ghastly speed, but it was
of grass under the Dining Room window and
no use. The huge clods covered him completely
began to dig where she had indicated. Perhaps
and Edwidge Thwipple was no more.
he would uncover some lost and precious gem,
And now as she rises from the ground, near the
he thought. Or, more gruesomely, the remains of
geraniums, so too does Edwige rise from a spot
a long forgotten body? The hole got bigger and
just under the Dining Room window.
bigger but he could find nothing. He dug and
dug until the hole was six feet deep.

33
“Is this the right address?”

34
Fedwina knew she wasn’t allowed into the woods, but she was curious as to why.

35
 THE HEAD ‘MONGST THE TURNIPS

Old Mother Burnip grew the most turnipy I’m making a stew which is bound to make
turnips you could ever taste. Every Wednesday you warm.”
should would pick the sweetest to take to market
“That sounds far more agreeable than being out
and the others that were too bitter to sell she
here,” said the Turnip man. “Hurry up and pull
would make into a broth to feed her children.
me out.”
One cold and frosty morning, as she made her
So the old lady took hold of his whiskers and
way down the garden, she heard a curious
pulled and pulled with all her might. So large
muttering. As she rounded the rhubarb she was
was he that she had to call for her children
surprised to find a middle-aged man growing in
to help.
the Turnip field.
“Heave!” they all cried and finally the Turnip
“Good morn, Father Turnip,” she called out,
Man was uprooted.
trying to cover her unease. “A fine day, is
“About time!” he called, “Now take me inside
it not?”
quickly. I want to be warmed by your stew.”
“Mayhaps for you,” grumbled the Turnip man
“As you wish,” said Mother Burnip, hoisting
in reply. “But I’m stuck here in the cold and the
him into a wheelbarrow.
mud with only carrots to talk to.”
Later on they all agreed that the Turnip Man
“Well,” said the old lady, thinking quickly,
had made the best stew they had ever tasted.
“you must come in with me to my cottage.

36
She was surprised to find a middle-aged man growing in the turnip field.

37
It was probably one of the largest chickens Lord Rockwell had ever seen.

38
 THE LOST VALLEY

In 1865 Lord Rockwell, esteemed explorator and the valley floor, deciding to name this land
man of adventure, had set off on an expedition Rockwellland, after himself.
to discover a Lost World, or at the very least Cut off from the outside World for millennia,
a forgotten village. He spent many months evolution had taken a perpendicular route and
travelling Northern India and Southern Tibet the region was filled with unusual species of
searching for his unknown destination. plants. Some ferns he recognised as prehistoric,
After the first year many of his travelling but other shrubbery was quite unfamiliar
companions had exhausted their yearning to him. All around were the calls of strange
for adventure and returned home, but Lord animals, birds and beasts that he could not
Rockwell was of an indomitable spirit and identify. Lord Rockwell continued through the
pushed ever further into the mountains. thick vegetation for some time until he reached
Soon only Lord Rockwell remained, the others an area where the ferns and leaves became more
all having succumbed to the cold or hunger or sparse and the ground evened out. The light was
common sense. That winter was particularly fading fast and deciding this would be a good
harsh with blizzards and foul weather slowing place to make camp Lord Rockwell made a small
his progress and forcing him far beyond bed of leaves and climbed into his dull, well-
his intended path. During an exceptionally worn woollen sleeping bag. Finally, happy that
blizzardous storm Lord Rockwell was obliged he had achieved his goal he slept more restfully
to take shelter in a cave. For several days the than he could recall.
storm did not cease and Lord Rockwell, being He was awoken the next morning by a deep
an unrestful fellow, began to explore where the and low clucking noise coming from somewhere
cave led. Finding a narrow crack in the far wall, close by. A sound like he had never heard
he squeezed himself through and began edging before. He rolled over in his sleeping bag and
along the narrow passage. It led him down, crawled forward. There, in a clearing, stood a
down, down and gradually the passages began bird of immense size. It was probably the largest
to increase in size, becoming caves, then grottos, chicken Lord Rockwell had ever seen. It stood
then caverns until finally Lord Rockwell stood at least twelve foot high with a head as big as a
on the edge of a cliff that looked out across a cow and scratched the earth with great, crooked
whole valley, the size of Surrey, all contained claws, searching, Lord Rockwell assumed, for
within a hollow mountain. Looking up, the inside morsels to eat. As he watched, it uncovered
of the mountain formed a ceiling that tapered a gigantic brown worm the size of a man. As
to a point perhaps five or six miles above him. quick as a flash the monstrous hen caught the
A fissure in the rock high, high up to the west hapless worm and swallowed it whole. The
allowed in a shaft of sunlight which reflected huge fowl suddenly cocked its head and its
off glacial sheets of ice into the valley below. keen, black eyes stared directly at him. Choking
This most fortunate geographical phenomenon with fear Lord Rockwell tried to get out of the
allowed vegetation to grow in abundance and imprisoning sleeping bag, but only succeeded in
the land was covered in thick greenery. At last falling over. Squirming helplessly on the floor he
he had done it! Lord Rockwell had discovered a watched in horror as the colossal chicken strode
hitherto undiscovered land. Without pause, he towards him. The last thing he saw was its
made his way down the steep hillside towards impending beak.

39
“Give this letter to your father. He will know what it is about,” hissed the stranger.

40
Ronbert had never been this far from home before.

41
 THE BEA ST ON THE BOUGH

Rosetta Brambleberry was a little startled to see the abhorrent

beast with blazing amber eyes sat on the bough of a tree just
above her.

“Where are you going?” asked the baleful creature crouched

high in the tree. Licking its sharp teeth with a curiously far-
reaching tongue it leaned his big, round head down towards
the little girl.

“Neither here nor there,’ answered Rosetta. “As long as I don’t

stay here.”

“Well,” said the fiend, “why not come with me?”

“Oh no, thank you,” declined Rosetta politely. “But perhaps

you wouldn’t mind coming with me. For I know some people who
would love to see you.”

And with that she grabbed hold of its whiskers and pulled
off its vile head.

42
“Where are you going?” asked the baleful creature crouched high in the tree.

43
“Let me out and I will show you great things,” it whispered.

44
 THE SHOP OF CURIOUS THINGS

It was already quite late by the time Genery Genery stepped back in fear and nervously
Totterchin and his father entered the little shop looked over to his Father and the Storekeeper,
of curious things. Whilst his Father talked about who were both still deep in communication.
trinkets with the tired-looking storekeeper, The beast beckoned Genery to draw near.
Genery was given permission to look around “Let me out and I will show you great things,”
the shop on the condition that he touch nothing. it whispered. Its red eyes bore into Genery’s
He cautiously crept through treasures collected very soul. Though he knew he oughtn’t he
from all corners of the World piled hither and slowly reached out and carefully lifted the
thither and twinkling in a myriad of lamps and latch holding the cage door shut.
candles hanging from the walls and ceilings. In
In an instant all the lamps in the shop were
a far nook of the room, mostly hidden by much
snuffed out and Genery stood motionless in the
grander pieces he spotted what looked like a
dark as rough wings beat around his head and
cage, a heavily embroidered blanket covering it.
towards the door. He heard the storekeeper
Carefully he made his way over to it. Inspecting
cursing and much commotion coming from the
it more closely, Genery sensed something inside
entranceway. His father called out in anguish
and, brushing aside the cobwebs and strings of
and then he saw a flash of light as the door burst
dust, pulled back the cover to reveal a hideous
open and the beast flew into the night. As he
beast with a sharp nose and round, red eyes.
stumbled back to his Father’s side he knew he
was in a lot of trouble.

45
The spiteful old man looked slowly around the jam cellar.

46
“Come into my parlour,” beckoned Old Mrs Scuttlegrip.

47
 THE PORTR AIT IN THE DR AWING ROOM

It was customary for the members of the to leave. Sir Bigsly very kindly intonated
Avocation Society to meet on the last Tuesday that should anyone require it there was room
of every month and each time it was held at a enough for all to stay over. Most left, but I
different member’s residence. and a few others decided to take advantage of
his hospitality and stayed. The conversations
It was the turn of Lord Bigsly to host and due to
carried on long into the early hours and I must
him living in a grand mansion on the outskirts of
admit we all became rather raucous, braying
London and my carriage driver getting somewhat
and squawking our opinions at each other. But
lost I arrived rather late. Dinner had all but
all the while I noticed that Stibbins, who had
finished as I entered, making my apologies.
also decided to stay, sat quietly. He seemed
There were comments of me being late to my
preoccupied with studying the great portrait
own funeral which caused great mirth.
hanging over the fireplace. Sir Bigsly, too, was
As I looked around the gathering I was unusually quiet, but his attention was rarely
unable to see Sir Bigsly and enquired as to his off Stibbins and he smiled that strange smile
whereabouts. “He has retired to the Drawing of his where the corners of his mouth appeared
Room with Stibbins,” replied the always down-turned.
agreeable Mr. Hobbs. “They are inspecting Sir
I forget going to bed but it was late afternoon
Bigsly’s paintings.”
before I arose. On descending the stairs most
Stibbins was new to the group and a painter, guests had already left and I bumped into Sir
somewhat younger than most of us, but keen Bigsly as he was preparing to leave for London
to prove himself in the world of Art. He had Town himself.
acquired a certain reputation as a gallivant and
He offered me a ride in his carriage which I
was known for his extravagant and colourful
gratefully accepted.
dressing. I went through to apologise for my
late arrival to Sir Bigsly and saw the two men “Has everyone already left?” I enquired.
admiring a striking portrait of a woman that
“Yes,” replied my host, laughing heartily.
hung over the fireplace. I heard Sir Bigsly explain
“Quite some time ago.”
it was of Lucretia Von Doom a Countess from
Eastern Gervania who, it had been said, was “And what of Stibbins? He seemed in a particular
able to enchant any man who gazed upon her. mood last night,” I asked, suddenly realising I
She had been tried as a witch in the late 1600s had left my handkerchief in the Drawing Room
and was burnt at the stake. and excusing myself to get it.
“Fascinating,” replied Stibbins, staring intently “Stibbins? Yes, yes, he departed very quickly,”
at the pale-skinned beauty smiling back at him. I heard Sir Bigsly say from the hallway.
“I rather fancy that it was jealousy that caused
I retrieved my handkerchief and left, turning
her downfall and not witchcraft.”
to admire the Countess’s portrait one more
“Hmmm, indeed,” mumbled Sir Bigsly in time. Her smile seemed even more alluring
agreement. “It is said she can still capture an than the previous night and her eyes somehow
unsuspecting heart through this very painting,” more fulfilled. I also noticed a rather colourful
as he looked longingly at it with those deepset, scarf on the table to the left of her that I had
sad eyes of his. not noticed before. It reminded me greatly of
Stibbins’s own neckerchief and I wondered
“Ah! If it isn’t Mr. Dilatory,” said Sir Bigsly
to myself how no-one in our merriment had
as he saw me, beckoning me over and offering
mocked him for it last night.
me a drink. Soon we were joined by the other
members and the presentations and discussions “You should hurry!” called Sir Bigsly, now
began. The night passed quickly, with much somewhat impatiently. “Or you may have to stay
discourse and soon it was time for the guests here forever.”

48
“It is said she can still capture an unsuspecting heart through this very painting.”

49
Everyone, including the Great Mezmero, was surprised to see what came out of the hat.

50
She poked at the bewildered little man with a large fork.

51
Harrietta held on to her bonnet, “Next stop – the Moon!”

52
 FLY TO THE MOON

“Perhaps you have heard of my sister? Harrietta She researched into the science of flight and
Prankhurst?” she asked me. “Many years ago plotted thermal currents and then constructed
it was reported that she disappeared without her very own Ballooning Airship which she kept
trace from this very street. It made the covers of behind the gazebo. I have never seen anyone so
all the newspapers. Even the Evening Burble.” unflagging in their efforts.

I told her that, unfortunately, I had not heard “Just before her twenty-third birthday she came
of such an incident but assured her I was sorry into my room late one night and sat on my bed.
for her loss. She had a look of steely jubilation on her face.
I knew that she was ready to go. Harrietta softly
“Oh! You mustn’t be sorry!” she replied. “It was
kissed me on the cheek and bade me farewell. I
cause for great celebration on my behalf. You
was not sad because I knew it was her dearest
see, my sister happens to be the first lady to fly
wish and I watched from my window as she
to the Moon.
climbed into the basket and untied the knots
“Even from an early age my sister was fascinated
anchoring the balloon to the ground. Waving to
by the Moon and often told me how one day she
me as she floated upwards, Harrietta held on to
would fly there.
her bonnet, “Next stop – the Moon!”
“Of course everyone told her it was impossible
“And just like that she was gone. I tried to
for a lady to fly to the Moon and she should
explain to our distraught parents and the
concentrate on bows and ribbons like other girls,
authorities, but no-one would believe me, saying
but Harrietta paid them no heed. She knew
such a thing was not possible. But, four weeks
exactly what she wanted and was determined
later, in the midst of the night, a letter tied with
that one day she would achieve her dream.
a ribbon to a strangely coloured rock fell from
“Secretly she studied everything that had been the sky through the roof of my Father’s gazebo. I
written about the Moon and the Stars and the ran out and with fumbling fingers unfolded the
night sky. Tirelessly she pored over books on paper. On it, in my sister’s simple handwriting
Mothery and learnt everything there was to was written “I did it.”
know about their Lunar attraction.

53
“Meet your new brother, Boliver.”

54
When Joanna Von Grimm sang all else ceased to matter.

55
 BIMOTHY MULCH

“Go talk to Old Bimothy Mulch,” they had said. close, I walked back towards Fish Street. I
And so it was that I crossed the river and made could see crouched figures slipping through the
my way through the crates and haddock barrels shadows in front of me and suddenly the old
piled alongside the docks to a desolate wharf. At man’s warning seemed far more palpable. If I
the end of it, humpched over, looking more like could make it to the end of this road I would be
a bundle of rags than a man, sat Old Bimothy. able to see the bridge and from there I figured
After furnishing him with some Turnip Jam I I would be safe. But, as I quickened my pace
struck up a conversation and found him quite two stooped figures stepped into the road in
open to communication, tales of his travels and front of me and I could make out others stood in
deeds tumbling from his flappy lips. He was a the doorways ahead. My panic rising, I veered
strange and furtive man, with bulging yellow to my left, down an alley and once I was out
eyes and a bluish pallor to his rough skin. It was of sight I ran back to the docks. A madness
clear he had seen a lot of things. Things that overtaking me.
still haunted him. As he spoke he had a peculiar My plan to outflank my pursuers on the gangways
habit of looking at you with one eye whilst the was thwarted when I heard voices coming
other apprehensively scanned the water. towards me from all directions. Climbing down
After some time I felt confident I could show from the path I dropped into the cold, green mud
him the true purpose of my visit. and crouched in silence, hoping to hide there
until my hunters had passed.
“Have you seen anything like this before?” I
asked, showing him the polished, black box with The heavy footsteps came closer and closer
the intricate and bewildering carvings. above me. Daring not to breath, lest any sound
should give away my position, I focused intently
He looked at me for a moment before drawing on the shadows passing by overhead. A cold,
me close. He wheezed into my face, his breath wet sensation at my ankle made me start and I
reeking of crabs and his eyes wild with fear. looked down to see a long, coiling tentacle slide
“They know, you know. They be coming to get effortlessly up my leg. I froze in terror and tried
ye. Leave the box wi’ me and get ye as far away silently to pull it away, but it was slippy and
as ye can,” he croaked. muscular and resisted all my efforts with ease,
quickly slithering up and around my torso. Still
Ungrasping his hands from my coat I put the
not wanting to alert my pursuers I stifled my
box back in my pocket and told him I was no
desire to scream as countless other tentacles
fool and that I would find other ways to get
reached out of the water and began pulling me
answers. Thanking him for his time I got up to
down into the mud. I let out a feeble whimper as
leave. Bimothy stared into the inky black water.
the figures above me walked along on their way,
“It warn’t be larng now,” he muttered. heedless to my plight, and the tentacles dragged
It was now getting dark as, clutching my box me and their box back into the river.

56
Bimothy stared into the inky black water. “It warn’t be larng now,” he muttered.

57
Jack Splatt will eat your liver, His wife will eat your spleen.

58
 JACK SPL AT T

Jack Splatt will eat your liver

His wife will eat your spleen

Beware, beware the piggish pair

For they’ll pick your chitlins clean

59
So this is what his Great Great Grandfather had been hiding all these years.

60
The three sisters smiled and spoke all at once, “You are our first customer for many years.”

61
 THE BL ACK ROSE KILLER

Victorian London has many thieves and down to the ground. His collar was turned up
murderers all cutting and chopping and so as to cover completely the lower half of face.
bludgeoning away as best they can. But one Thornia could see that although he was old he
murderer rose above all the others in terms of was strong and alert, his movements almost
dreadliness and malice. snakelike in their deliberation.

The Black Rose Killer had led the police on a “My dear,” he said, with a voice low and syrupy,
merry dance and had filled the streets with fear. “haven’t you heard about all the dreadly goings
His victims were all found in an unspeakable on around these parts?”
mess but there were no clues to his identity
“I am aware of them,” replied Thornia, trying to
whatsomever. On each victim would be left a
keep her voice calm.
gruesome calling card in the shape of a single
The stranger edged closer still and then put a
black rose and so it was that he got his name.
long, bony hand on her shoulder.
One starless night Thornia Prickle, a young lady
“You really ought not to be out here on your
of striking appearance, was, perhaps unwisely,
own, young lady,” he said. “It isn’t safe.”
out in the very streets that the Black Rose
Killer prowled. “Indeed it isn’t,” came the reply.

Waiting alone between the rows of spidery Thornia turned and inhaled deeply on the
houses she heard heavy, clipped footsteps delicate black rose she was holding to her nose.
drawing closer and turned to hide herself from
With her other hand she pulled out a heavy
the approacher. Glancing over her shoulder she
bludgerer from her cloak and smote the stranger
saw a tall shadowy figure as it slid through an
around his startled head.
archway and made its way towards her.
After she had finished she gently placed the
The man was well-dressed, clad from head to
rose on the unspeakable mess that covered the
toe all in black with a long black cloak sweeping
cobbles and disappeared back into the night.

62
“You really ought not to be out here on you own,” he said. “It isn’t safe.”

“Indeed it isn’t,” came the reply.

63
“Pies! Pies!” He cries. “What’s inside will be a surprise.”

64
 SIMPLE STAN

Simple Stan met a man who had a tray of pies

The man rang his bell, began to yell

And looked Stan in the eyes.

Said Simple Stan to the man

“I don’t wish to be rude, but I conclude

Your pies, they look a bit odd.”

Said the man to Simple Stan

“That’s because they is made from teeth and bone and blood.”

65
When she removed the mask everyone fell silent.

66
Henry Earlswhump pedalled faster than any man had ever pedalled before.

67
 A V ISION OF THE FUTURE

“In the future,” began Professor Curlew at the well-attended

lecture, “many electromechanical aids will be developed to
allow the organamisation and optimisation of all aspects of life.
Inconspicuously sat in the corner of every room these devices
shall connect to voice-controlled intelligent personal assistants
that respond to your commands.

“There is nothing these appliances will not know about you

and shall be able to offer assistance in all manner of situations.
The man of the future will enter a new era where mental effort
is diminished and society can become reliant on machinery.”

“But what happens when the machines stop?” called out someone
in the Great Hall.

“Oh. They’ll never stop,” said Curlew. “Nothing will be able

to stop them.”

68
A vision of the future.

69
The Elephantman had a vague recollection of something,
but could not quite recall what it was.

70
They had often walked this way before, but today Cuthbert
had the feeling that something seemed different.

71
The resemblance was uncanny, from its shiny little shoes and
embroidered waistcoat to the terrified look upon its face.

72
 THE DOLLHOUSE

Henrietta Tightgrip opened the dollhouse door and selected

one of the small figures placed carefully throughout its rooms.
She gazed for a while at the wax doll and fondly remembered
the young Mr. Dumplings who had paid her a visit only the
month before. The resemblance was uncanny, from its shiny
little shoes to its embroidered waistcoat to the terrified
look upon its face. The dollmaker had surpassed themselves
again. Then, with gentle hands she put it back in the house
with the others and closed the door.

73
 MIDNIGHT IDEA S

When the clock struck Midnight from out of the shadows

they would come. Dark, bony Ideas. As black as coal. While he
worked they would creep closer and would pull at his sleeves
and papers, but whenever he tried to catch one it would turn
to dust and disappear.

74
When the clock struck Midnight from out of the shadows they would come.

75
The bird lay still and unmoving in front of her. It would sing no more.

76
Henry watched the shadows circling above him and knew they would soon find him.

77
Each day she would bring a basket of crusts, but when once she had no bread,
the pigeons, being greedy and bold, decided to eat her instead.

78
 FEED THE BIRDS

Old Mrs Cramfluff, being a kind and gentle soul, would walk to
the park every morn. She’d feed the pigeons forgathered around
that looked so sad and forlorn.

Each day she would bring a basket of crusts, but when once she
had no bread, the pigeons, being greedy and bold, decided to eat
her instead.

79
 MIND READERS

Each had declared that they were the greatest reader of

minds in Victorian London and that they could, at no great
effort, read the thoughts of the other without giving away
their own contemplations.

And so the great battle of wills began. Fixedly they stared at

one another. Minutes passed, then hours with neither one able
to peek into the other’s cranial cavern. They stood and stared
at each other for several days. Finally, they saw that each other
was only thinking of themselves.

80
They stood and stared at each other for several days.

81
“Would you like a closer look?” she asked, slowly and deliberately unlocking the cage door.

“I’ve trained it to do whatever I tell it.”

82
 WOLFBEA ST

“What type of creature is this?” stuttered Mr. Grimply

from the Bank, nervously.

It was shaped like a hound, but larger than any hound he had ever
seen. A great, black beast with deep-set, cruel eyes that glowed
with a smouldering glare. Gaunt and savage-looking, he thought
it looked half-animal, half-demon.

“That is my Transylvanian Wolf-Beast,” said Eleanor proudly.

“A wicked and vicious creature.

“Would you like a closer look?” she asked slowly and deliberately
unlocking the cage door.

“I’ve trained it to do whatever I tell it.”

83
“Pssst,” it gurgled. “Do you want to know a secret?”

84
“With great age comes great wisdom,” whispered Auntie Diluvia, somewhat smugly.

85
 A SPECIAL PURCHA SE

“Thank you for your custom,” hummed the man, taking Boswell’s
pound note and folding it into his silk purse. Boswell held the
emerald green bottle tight in his sweaty, fat fingers.

“And this will definitely make everything better?” he stuttered.

“Oh, yes,” nodded the man. “Much better.’

86
“And this will definitely make everything better,” he stuttered.

87
“Two Toads for a Tuppence.”

88
 THE LIT TLE TOAD GIRL

I met the Little Toad Girl in Spiteallfield’s Market on a damp

and dismal Tuesday morning. Wrapped in a shawl to keep out
the cold, she stood hunched on the mud-covered cobbles, selling
her wares. Her face was pale and thin like a twig and when I
stopped to converse with her she spoke with a pleasant croak.

“I get’s the finest Toads an’ Newts from Grudgewell Marshes,”

she explained. “You woan e’er taste finer. Tuppence for two.”

Admitting I had never tried Toad, nor Frog, nor Newt she
laughed and pressed me further.

“They’re tasteful as any beast in a stew,” she said. “Two Toads

for a Tuppence.”

She seemed in affable spirits and I saw no harm in declining her,

but when I did her manner altogether changed. She bristled with
anger and stomped and spat at me.

“The Toad-pox on you, then!” she wailed. “May the warts

be with you.”

89
“What are you doing here?” she hissed.

90
She took no pleasure in unleashing the ring’s power and only used it when absolutely necessary.

91
 THE PROFESSOR OF MOTHERY

Professor McFluthery was the leading source of intelligence

on Nocturnal Butterflies and Moths at Edinburgh University.
It was said that what he did not know about Moths was not
worth not knowing about at all.

Wherever he went he was followed by a cloud of Moths, some

large, some small, but all flittling and fluttling about him.

On some moonlight nights in Edinburgh a Moth of great size

was seen dancing in the air above the streets and it was surmised
that Professor McFluthery was out trying to catch it as he was
never in his quarters on those nights.

92
Wherever he went he was followed by a cloud of Moths, some large,
some small, but all flittling and fluttling about him.

93
No-one could recall inviting the strange, whispery man and his
peculiar monkey to Madam Borebrick’s tea-party.

94
 THE ORGAN GRINDER

No-one could recall inviting the strange, whispery man and his
peculiar monkey to Madam Borebrick’s tea-party. He was somewhat
shabbily dressed and it was remarked upon how bad his taste in
neckties was, but his moustache was well-cared for and he seemed
most earnest in his desire to perform for their amusement.

“Let him play,” suggested Lady Squatterly, “What is the worst

that could happen?” So it was agreed that he could entertain
them for a short while before the Battenberg cake was served.

He nodded solemnly and grasped the handle of his organ.

Turning it, slowly at first, then faster and faster music began
curling around the room and the guests gathered around him.
The contraption tooted and hummed with the most intoxicating
of sounds. Soon they forgot their apprehension and soon after
that they forgot even about their tea. Time seemed to stand
still for those in attendance and impossible thoughts and visions
gurgled through their minds. The delicious sounds seemed to stir
their very insides.

It was some days later when Madam Borebrick and her

companions were found, still staring into nothingness,
humming to themselves, their eyes empty and all their pearls
and ornaments missing.

95
 MR SPARROW’S SHADOW

Mr Sparrow was a shy and timid man. The sort A darkness somehow darker than all the other
of man who left very little impression of himself shadows around it. Larger and larger it loomed
on those whom he met. It was often the case that until it towered above him.
one could spend several hours in his company
Mr Sparrow stared silently at the shadow as it
and yet, if you were asked, a few moments after
slithered to his side. And then, in a quiet, yet
his departure you would not be able to recall
forceful, whisper it spoke.
who you had been talking to at all.
“Would you mind if I joined you?”
Mr Sparrow had never allowed his unvisibileness
“Not at all,” said Mr Sparrow, suddenly feeling
to affect him and would go about his day in a
not as alone as usual.
cheerful way. He was as content as any other,
though sometimes he would wonder what it was The shadow took hold of Mr Sparrow and,
like to be remembered and pondered what he much to Mr Sparrow’s delight, led him through
ought to do to get others to notice him. the streets. After a night of thrills the Shadow
took leave of him, but promised to return soon
One evening as he was making his way home
and Mr Sparrow bade him a fond farewell.
from an evening function where he had been
particularly unmemorable he got the sense he Still no-one notices him, but now Mr Sparrow
was being followed. From a soot-black alley he knows what lurks in shadows and how it grows
felt something drawing closer. and grows.

96
Mr Sparrow stared silently at the shadow as it slithered to his side.

97
The sound was so utterly enchanting all else seemed meaningless.

98
“I see you are admiring my busts,” chortled Lady Petrifell as she glided elegantly down
the staircase. “They are all of my ex-husbands.”

99
“It’s the World’s greatest collection of Insectivoids and Parasites,” he boasted proudly.

100
 THE LOVE BUG

“It’s the World’s greatest collection of “Oh my,” stuttered the Professor. “It would
Insectivoids and Parasites,” he boasted proudly appear that my Panamanian Paramour Weevil
as they entered the room. From floor to ceiling has escaped.” His face paled as he looked
the walls were covered with specimens and all around, his nervous twitchings seeming to
around were drawers and cases full of insects increase dramatically.
and arachnids and worms, both living and dead.
Turning, somewhat uncomfortably Emmelina
Emmelina nodded. “I see. It really is a noted, towards the Evening Burble’s
commendable assortment – and most invaluable Investigative Reporter he began to describe the
to scientific research, I imagine?” missing endoparasite. “It really is a fascinating
creature and quite unique. At night it slips into
“Oh, indeed,” replied Professor Scuttleworth,
its victim’s throat and burrows into the larynx…”
nodding erratically. “The most dreadly insects
known to man. I’ve got the Giant Bornean Blood Despite all her indomitability Emmelina stepped
Ant, Vampire Centipedes, Sword Flies, the back with repulsion. The Professor continued
Blunderbus Snail… please do look around.” unabashed. “From there it actually manipulates
what the host says and does, endeavouring to
Emmelina paused in front of the most beautiful
find another host to pass its eggs into.”
and delicate looking Butterfly she had ever seen,
its wings a striking scarlet colour. “What is this? “It emits a hormone to induce romance and
It looks more like a bow than an insect. Surely the eggs are passed from mouth to mouth…
something so pretty cannot be dangerous?” with a kiss.”

Chuckling his strange chuckle, Professor The Professor paused and seemed wistful, for
Scuttleworth shook his head. “As a reporter, Miss a moment.
Snoopsworth, you should know not to be taken in
“I have no idea where it could be…” he said,
by appearances. This is the Red Ribbon Butterfly,
chuckling that peculiar chuckle of his. Staring
found all through the tropics of Asia. It attaches
at Emmelina with a curious look on his face
itself to a girl’s head and for all the World does,
he asked, “Perhaps you would care to look for
indeed, look like a pretty bow. But all the while
it with me?”
it is sucking it’s host’s blood. If it is not spotted in
Emmelina studied Professor Scuttleworth’s
time it will drain them completely.”
unblinking eyes and his jerky movements with
“And what is this specimen?” asked the reporter,
horror. A strange clicking could be heard
pointing to a large glass case. “I can’t see
and Emmelina was sure she saw something
anything in there.
move in his neck.
Don’t tell me you have an Invisible Mantis?”

101
 ON THE TABLE

Albert woke to the sound of chewing. Albert reflected upon the events of the night
Impossibly loud, deafening chewing. And before, but could not reason how he had ended
swallowing, swallowing that was louder than up in such an unusual situation.
thunder. He looked about, confusedly, his
As he hid there he realised, to his horror, a
eyes not able to comprehend what they saw.
silence had fallen. Suddenly the pot of onions
Towering all around and above him were
was upheaved, hot gravy landing all around
bottles and bowls of the most gigantic food.
him like lava from an erupting volcano. Before
He appeared to be lying next to a vast plate
he had time to think, a wall of hand, with
piled high with piping-hot, broiled cabbage
fingers very much like walruses, swept towards
and a fish as big as a whale lay steaming to
him and Albert was roughly lifted into the air.
his left. Looming beyond the dinnerplates
The giant fingers dangled him in front of two
were two monstrous figures engrossed in a
gloating, plum-coloured faces.
grotesque and hellish feast. They were dressed
“It’s an udder won, ‘Arry,” bellowed the lady, her
like any other commoner but were the size of
breath like a gale upon Albert. “An udder won
overweight mountains. Oblivious to Albert
of dose little fengs runnin’ round the dishies.”
and his puny predicklement they were reaching
out their enormous hands and scooping up “Stop yer blabblin’ an’ eats it quick,” said the
lumpfuls of food the size of elephants. As they man, “or I’ll ‘ave it off yer.”
chomped and gulped, Albert’s very world shook
Albert screamed tinily as he was thrust
and shuddered.
unstoppably towards the gaping chasm of a
Clasping his hands over his ears he stumbled mouth with its teeth as big as boulders.
towards a pot of inconceivably large onions and
crouched down low behind it.

102
He stumbled towards a pot of inconceivably large onions and crouched down low behind it.

103
She watched as it clambered onto the roof and slowly,
soundlessly spread a pair of large, leathery wings.

104
 THE DROPPED GLOVE

As Agatha Spurgle was walking home she saw Should she go on? It seemed foolish, but she had
a tall, stooping figure in a long, black cloak step come all this way and she was sure the stranger
out into the road and hurry into the darkness would be very glad to receive its glove back.
on the other side. Normally she would pay no
Before she knew it she was in front of the
heed as Victorian London was full of suspicious,
twisted door. She knocked gently, but there
becloaked characters prowling the streets at
was no reply. The door, however, swung slowly
night, but as this one was about to disappear
open. Agatha was about to enter when she
she saw it drop a glove.
heard a noise from high above and looking up
Hurrying over she picked up the mislaid mitten saw a gigantic bat-like creature lean out the attic
and called out to the stranger. But Agatha was window. She watched as it clambered onto the
a meek lady and the stranger’s giant strides had roof and slowly, soundlessly spread a pair of
already taken it into the shadows at the end of large, leathery wings. With a few heavy flaps
the street. it had lifted itself into the air and disappeared
behind the rooftops.
Agatha hurried after it as best she could, round
corners, along alleys, under archways and down “Can I help you?” came a voice behind her.
countless stairs, but, somehow, no matter how Spinning around she saw the cloaked figure she
hard she tried the figure always remained out had been following stood in the doorway. It was
of earshot. still so dark she could make out no features and
she suddenly felt rather cold.
Finally rounding a corner she saw it slipping
into the doorway of a narrow, twisting house “I found your glove and I, I thought I ought to
that looked at least as twice as old as all the return it to you,” stammered Agatha quietly.
other buildings around it. Dark, little windows
The figure snickered and reached out towards
were spotted all over its frontage like pinholes
her with bony, clawed fingers. “But, you see, I
and it leaned precariously over the pavement.
don’t have need for gloves, my dear.”
She paused and nervously looked around. There
Agatha looked at the glove she was holding and
was no-one to be seen and the shadows about
realised it wasn’t a glove at all. It was a hand all
the house seemed unusually dark.
limp and boneless.

105
Mr Thrumble could see them waiting and knew he didn’t have much longer.

106
“I’m so glad you decided to come,” he wheezed.

107
 THE MAGPIE MAN

The Magpie Man is coming

The Magpie Man is coming

Hide your silver,

Hide your gold,
If you’ve no pennies he’ll take your soul

The Magpie Man is coming

108
Hide your silver, hide your gold, if you’ve no pennies he’ll take your soul.

109
The old lady wept with joy and where her tears fell there suddenly
grew the most beautiful mushroom they had ever seen.

110
 FUNGUSELL A

Many, many moons ago there lived an old Mushroom Peddler

and his wife. They had lived a happy life picking and selling the
mushrooms and toadstools that grew in the forest, but they grew
old and dearly wanted a child to call their own.

One day, whilst out in the forest, they met a passing Witch who,
in return for a bag of mushrooms, said she would grant their
wish. The old lady wept with joy and where her tears fell there
suddenly grew the most beautiful mushroom they had ever seen.
It looked up at them and they saw a little girl, kind of heart and
fair of face and entirely made of mushroom. They picked her up
and took her home and named her Fungusella.

For many years they were very happy, then, one night under a
full moon Fungusella came to into her parent’s room. By now they
were riddled with spores and unable to move and they could do
nothing but smile as Fungusella told them it was time for her to
leave and go to the next town to make a new family.

111
 THE WOOD NYMPH

Albert Spoddle was a quiet and awkward man, Albert was slightly perplexed by this, but
small in stature and with a rather weak and agreed to do as she asked and rushed home,
feeble heart. His Doctor, a stout, enthusiastic stopping only at the Grocer’s store to buy sugar.
woman suggested that for his health he needed to After boiling the fruit, the like of which he
get out more. Albert had always enjoyed his own had never seen before, and making a jam from
company and after a time he became very fond of it Albert sat down and took a large spoonful.
taking long walks through the moors where he It was somewhat queer-tasting but soon after he
could be alone with his unimaginative thoughts. felt an odd fortifying sensation in his limbs.
On one such walk he caught sight of a beautiful The next night he did the same and the night
girl sat high up in a becrooked, old tree with after. By now Albert felt taller and stronger than
strange, dark fruit hanging from its branches. he could ever remember and proudly strode to
He gave her a shy wave and was pleasantly meet his beloved. As he reached the moor it was
surprised that she waved back. The next day he getting quite dark and Albert could not quite
made sure to walk by the same tree at the same make out their usual tree. He climbed a small
time and again saw her sat high up amongst the knoll so that he might see better. The sun had
branches. Again she waved. On the third day now set completely, but Albert stood resolutely
he summoned up the courage to talk to her and waiting for the beautiful girl with the quiet laugh
falteringly said hello. Her quiet laughter and to appear. He twisted around and stretched his
gentle ways put him at ease and they spoke about neck, but alas, she was nowhere to be seen. After
many things and Albert had walked home that sometime he became overcome with sadness, but
afternoon with great vigour. On the fourth day as it was now pitch black and yet he felt no cold,
as he walked briskly towards her tree he had he decided to stay upon the moor until the sunrise,
decided that he was in love and that he wanted in the hope that she would still come to him.
to be with her forevermore. In the morning Albert awoke, a dewy fog curling
When he told her of his feelings she laughed her around him, and to his surprise found he was
quiet laugh, but then shook her head and, as still stood upon the knoll. His back felt stiff and
Albert withered, said it could never be. his limbs heavy and cold. He tried to move, but
“We are from different worlds, my dear. was unable to do so. With a growing panic he
It would never last.” urged his body to respond, but everything from
the tips of his fingers to his toes was numb and
But Albert insisted that his heart was true and unfeeling. A shock of relief came over him when
he would always support her. With a wry smile heard his true love calling his name and saw her
she looked firmly at him, as if deciding what to approach from the mist surrounding the foot of
do. Plucking one of the dark, shrivelled fruits the mound. He tried to speak but no sound could
that hung from the tree she passed it to Albert. he make. His love laughed her gentle laugh and
“Take this fruit and make a jam with it. Eat it touched him softly on his cheek.
every night for three nights then, if you still “Now we can be together forever,” she whispered
feel the same, come and find me and we shall be and climbed into the strong boughs that sprouted
together forever,” she said. from his coiled trunk.

112
Plucking one of the dark, shrivelled fruits that hung from the tree she passed it to Albert.

113
Every night her master would retire to his chamber to work.
But what sort of work could cause him to scream so?

114
 Lord Curdlestep was not fond of his dim-witted grandchildren,
but they did prove invaluable during the great Horse Shortage of 1876.

115
“What can I get for a Ha’penny?” he asked, with bated breath.

116
 SWEET SHOP

Through the window Little Walford Wobble could see all

manner of delights. Sugared Mice, Humbugs, Jellied Worms,
Chocolate Tinkles, Candy Sticks and jars and jars brimming full
of other sweets and confectionary clogged his vision. He squeezed
the coin in his hand tightly as he pushed open the door. Hesitantly
he stepped inside, a little bell jingling above him.

Walford winced when the door slammed shut behind him with a
clank, much quicker than expected.

He edged forward towards the counter, his eyes round like the
lollipops that surrounded him, and that was when he saw her
watching him. She was perched on a stool, her back as straight
as a rod, eyes gleaming black amongst the jars of bon bons and
sherbert lemons.

“What can I get for a Ha’penny?” asked Walford, his voice

like fudge.

“Anything you want, my sweetie,” said the lady behind the

counter. Her smile, it seemed to Walford, was very large.
“Be as greedy as you wish. I won’t tell anybody.”

Walford Wobble saw the jars behind her and wondered what it
was that was in them. They were almost as big as he was.

117
 LORD WRETCHEDLY

“I have many, many books,” drooled Lord Wretchedly to no-one

in particular. “Books that should never have been written and
books that should never be read.”

Shadows danced around the library of Wretchedly Hall, trailing,

like grasping fingers across the endless shelves of books.

“I have books on life, on death, life after death, death before life,
undeath, unlife, but none, none can compare to the diabolically,
disturbing dreadliness of this book!” His eyes shimmered with
madness as his hands, like the claws of a beast, clasped the heavy,
ancient book, its cover appearing to squirm in the candlelight.

“For this book. This Book holds all the secrets of the unknown.
Secrets beyond the threshold of human comprehension!”

With that, he burst into laughter. His cackles so great they

threatened to extinguish the black candles that lit up the library.

“What are you doing in there?” came the voice of Lady Wretchedly
through the door.

“Nothing, dear,” he replied, smirking devilishly to himself.

“Nothing at all…”

118
“I have many, many books,” drooled Lord Wretchedly to no-one in particular.

119
Many a Gentleman was seen to enter, but no-one could recall ever having seen one leave.

120
 THE TIME MONGERS

The crooked old shop had stood unnoticed on the corner of

Duske Street for as long as anyone who had noticed it could
remember. A dull, dusty greyness hung about its twisted walls
and mournful windows as if it were not quite there.

Many a Gentleman was seen to enter, but no-one could recall

ever having seen one leave.

121
“Hold tight,” croaked the Raven.

122
Edgar had seen the job advertised in the Evening Burble,
but was unsure what the role would entail.

123
 GREAT AUNT BEGONIA

Sally loved going to visit her Great Aunt “Of course, Aunt Begonia,” replied Sally,
Begonia at the grand old house on top of the hill. pouring out a glass of water and bringing it
Aunt Begonia and her would drink tea and eat to her Aunt.
biscuits and then sit in her conservatory which
When her Aunt did not try and take the glass,
was filled with all manner of plants from all
Sally grew worried and carefully raised it to
corners of the World.
her Aunt’s lips. But her Aunt shook her head,
Aunt Begonia would tell Sally about the then slowly raised the hem of her great, green
different plants, the strange places they came frock. “Down there,” whispered her Aunt. And
from and how they grew and how they should Sally followed her Aunt’s eyes down to the floor
be cared for. They would tend the plants and where she was shocked to see her Aunt had on
then sit down and Aunt Begonia would get no shoes and that her toes were long and twisty
Sally to read her a story from the great book and curled into the soil underneath her chair.
of mysteries she kept by her chair.
Sally looked at her Aunt, who nodded her
But recently, on her visits, Sally had noticed encouragement, and poured the water between
her Aunt becoming less and less active. her toes.

Whereupon before they used to walk around “Ahhhh,” sighed Aunt Begonia, wrapping Sally’s
the conservatory together, now Aunt Begonia hand in hers. “I think it is time.”
would sit and watch as Sally tended the plants
And then she began to shake and twitch. She
herself. She would still talk and give advice on
opened her mouth and out burst forth a torrent
how best to care for them, but Sally could tell
of vines and shoots and they grew and coiled
her Aunt was changing and it made her sad.
upwards in a great twist towards the ceiling.
One day, as Sally was reading, Aunt Begonia,
Sally pulled her hand away in shock and stood
who had become very quiet over the last few
staring at the great plant shuddering before her.
visits and moved even less, whispered in a
“Promise you’ll look after me,” it said
dry and crackly voice.
“Of course, Aunt Begonia,” replied Sally.
“Sally, my dear, I am very thirsty. Could you
give me a drink of water?”

124
“Sally, my dear, I am very thirsty. Could you give me a drink of water?” whispered Aunt Begonia.

125
It seemed to him that all the knowledge in the World was contained in that tiny little Owl.

126
 THE ALL-SEEING OWL

He drew the heavy curtains across the window, sat down in his
chair and pulled the little table with the Owl Statuette resting
on it closer. Every night, without fail, he had repeated this ritual
since the peculiar piece of porcelain had come into his possession.
For a moment he stared silently at the cold, obsidian Owl, its
empty eyes staring back at him. He wondered how such a thing
had been made and how, of all the people in the World, it had
ended up with him.

Slowly he reached out and began to stroke its glassy stomach,

worn smooth over the centuries by countless careful caresses. The
owl began to glow, a ghoulish, blue luminescence that encircled
him, lighting up his face and casting sombre shadows all about
the room.

As he gazed, eyes glimmering in wide-open reverence, it seemed

to him that all the knowledge in the World was contained in that
tiny, little Owl. And he knew that he was going to have to stare
at it every night for ever and ever to be able to comprehend it all.

127
 THE POTATO SELLER

You may not have heard of Worridge, but them every morning.”
once, a long time ago, this simple, little town Agnetty looked puzzled. Her father had always
full of simple, little people was one of the most told her to never go into the cellar. She knew
important towns in England. plants needed sunlight and water to grow. What
For Worridge grew the finest potatoes anyone had was her father talking about? His mind must be
ever tasted and, as everyone knows, the English addled from the pain she thought. Again her father
love their potatoes. They boil them and bake them spoke to her, his eyes so earnest she couldn’t help
and mash them and stew them and toast them and but believe him.
roast them and pie them and eat them in sandwiches “Pick them while they sleep and make not a
and sometimes for dessert with custard. noise for if they wake they will not let you go.”
Some people even wear shoes made from Agnetty watched as her Father closed his eyes
potatoes. Without potatoes England would be and fell into a sleep.
a very dull place indeed.
Confused as to what he had told her she left the
The Potatoes of Worridge were particularly fine- room and walked to the cellar door. She had seen
tasting, so much so that Queen Victoria, herself, her father enter it many a time but he had always
would only ever eat Worridge Potatoes. No-one forbidden her from going down there. How could
knew the secret to their deliciousness or how such potatoes grow in a cold dark cellar? Why did he
a small town could produce so many, especially speak of them as if they were alive? Wanting to put
when there were very few fields to be seen. her mind at rest she found the key to the old, heavy
Old Farmer Cradge, who had lived in Worridge door and unlocked it. She had to put her shoulder
all his life, knew the secret, though. And it was against the rough wood and use all her weight to
with a heavy heart that, while he lay on his force it open. Then, lighting a candle, for it was
death-bed following a potato-related accident, very dark, she began to make her way down the
he passed it on to his only child, Agnetty. stairs.
“Dear Agnetty,” he struggled to say, “it is Down, down, down she went. The flickering candle
time for you to look after the family business, only lighting up a few steps in front of her. The air
yourself. For many years you have helped sell was close with a musty, mouldy smell. Surely her
our potatoes to those fancy London folk and you Father had been making this all up. Nothing could
have always been good with business.” grow down here. Certainly not delicious potatoes.
“Oh, Father,” spoke Agnetty, her voice croaky And then she saw them. Fat, blobbery creatures,
with sadness. “You mustn’t speak so. You are a their eyes glowing in the dark, lay all over the
strong man and it is not yet time for you to go.” floor, huddled in groups, wheezing and groping
Farmer Cradge grimaced in pain and clasped her with their stubby, little tentacles.
hand tight, pulling her closer. “You must listen Agnetty knew now why her Father’s Potatoes
to me, child. Listen. tasted so good and resolved to carry on the
“The potatoes… they grow… they grow in the family business as best she could. England
cellar. You must feed them every night and pick needed its Potatoes. And Worridge Potatoes
were the finest in all the land.

128
Her father had always told her to never go into the cellar.

129
“I’ll be with you shortly,” said Orphenia’s mother, somewhat distractedly.

130
“I’ve collected specimens from all over and under the World,” he said.

131
It drew back its blue, cracked lips in a shrivelled parody of a smile,
waving its extra limbs painfully.

132
 THE REPLIC ATOR

Dr. Winklehoff had gained a reputation as one of the “It’s working!” he cried. “It’s working!”
greatest intellects of all time. His theories, although
The procedure lasted but a few moments and
often deemed controversial at first, had led to many
as the vibration of the machine diminished and
breakthroughs in Medicine and Science.
the smoke cleared Dr. Winklehoff stepped out of
For many years he had advanced his learnings the apparatus to behold the accomplishment of
in all aspects of the scientificary arts, chemistry, his toils.
biology, medicine and philosophy until he deemed
“It’s perfect!” he cried as he inspected the tall,
his wisdom to be absolutely comprehensive. But
smartly dressed character standing in front of
he held other Doctors and men of learning in great
him. By his bearing and mannerisms it was
contempt undoubting that their ideas were futile.
obvious the clone was of great intelligence and
It was thus that he decided that it was his duty Dr. Winklehoff resolved to start tests upon his
to push the boundaries of knowledge beyond subject straight away.
the paltry ambitions of normal men. The only
The clone, however, was not so impressed with
endeavour worthy of his great mind was the
the wretched spectacle before him.
replication of his own, perfect self.
It stepped back aghast as the dishevelled beast
He set about building a device capable of
with watery eyes and grey skin pulled awkwardly
reproducing human physiognomy and the
across its bones lurched towards him. The clone
fundamentals of the psyche with his usual
watched in horror as the monster drew back
drive and purpose. For many nights he did not
its blue, cracked lips in a shrivelled parody of a
sleep, barely pausing to eat until, at last, his
smile, waving its extra limbs painfully.
Clonification Device was completed.
Disgust filled Dr. Winklehoff’s clone’s heart and he
Dr. Winklehoff threw the switch and, stepping
felt a great agitation grow in his mind. He knew
into the sleek cylinder, waited with intense
what he had to do and took up a large wrench.
excitement for the duplication process to begin.
Dr. Winklehoff cried out in dismay as his clone
The machine hummed and buzzed and shook.
brought the wrench down on his head. Again
Dr. Winklehoff threw his head back in a spasm
and again the wrench came down until Dr.
of ecstasy as voltaic cords tugged at his being.
Winklehoff was no more. His clone stood up
He could feel his very essence being pulled at
and resolved to never speak of this experiment
from within.
to anyone.

133
 THE BEST SHOES IN THE WORLD

The grey drizzle made everything in that dingy but put the shoes on in haste.
part of town even more dismal than usual. The “They fit perfectly!” he exclaimed.
dull, dirty cobbles all slimy and wet underfoot.
Tom Plonker didn’t even try to avoid the muddy “Of course!” laughed the shopkepper, pushing
puddles as he plodded his way to work, his worn Tom into the street and shutting the door
old boots making an unflattering spludge sound quickly behind him.
with each step. As he trotted down the street, Tom relished all
As he approached the looming Gloomery, where the admiring stares he drew. People whispered
he had worked since he was a boy, an unexpected behind their gloved hands and glared with wide-
flash of colour caught his attention. Tom made eyes and open mouths as his marvellous red
his way across the street to a modest, little shoes splashed through the puddles. His steps
shop he had never noticed before. He squinted became more and more proud and he marched
through the window and there he saw a pair faster and faster, through markets and cross
of boots. They were the most glorious shoes he bridges, up stairs, down stairs, round and round
had ever laid eyes on. Tall and fancy, made from he went, all the while with people stopping to
the finest red leather with shiny, pointy toes, point at Tom and his glorious shoes.
they were very different to the drab, practical After some time though, Tom began to tire, but,
footwear he normally wore. Now, Tom Plonker try as he might he could not stop. On and on
could not be described as an adventurous man, the fancy boots kept prancing. He hopped and
but something about these shoes pulled him into stumbled as he tried to untie the laces and get
the store. the bewitched boots off his feet. Yet whenever
“How much are those shoes in the window?” he undid a lace it would snake and twist around
he asked, sounding more eager than he his fingers and tie itself back up.
had intended. As Tom Plonker grew more desperate, so the
“How much have you got?” replied the shoes grew bolder and soon were skipping and
shopkeeper, hunched over a bench and cutting bounding at such a speed that Tom completely
leather with a great, curled knife. He leered at lost his bearings. They suddenly came to a
Tom through his small round glasses. halt, though, and to his delight, Tom realised
they had turned down a blind alley and were
“Only sixpence, sir,” said Tom, realising facing a dead-end. Before he had a chance to
this was not much for such a magnificent act, though, the shoes leapt onto a barrel and
pair of boots. were scrambling up a drainpipe, until, much to
“Then that is how much they cost,” said the his consternation, he was tap-tap-tapping over
shopkeeper taking the coins quickly and waving the rooftiles and clicking around the chimneys.
to Tom to take the shoes. “For these were not And as far as anyone knows he still is. So if
made by me, but by my special helpers.” As you should hear a clattering on your roof and
he said this he tapped the side of his nose and you look out the window fast enough you may
nodded knowingly. just catch a glimpse of Old Tom Plonker and his
Tom Plonker was not sure at all what he meant, magnificent boots.

134
They were the most glorious shoes he had ever laid eyes on.

135
Bob Bobbins watched in astonishment as from each of the houses
started to spill tiny, little people, no higher than his knee.

136
 THE LIT TLE FOLK OF LONDON

Bob Bobbins squinted through the mist as he Regaining his wits and now breathing somewhat
took his dog, Scratcher for a walk. He was in heavily, he descended with caution.
low spirits having just found that there was At the bottom of the stairs, tucked away
no more work for him at the Badger Factory. ‘neath the Bridges and cobbles of Victorian
It seemed nobody wanted to buy pickled London were a cluster of tiny houses and
badgers anymore. lodgings. The mist here was not so dense and
As he walked along, deep in gloomy thoughts, he Bob Bobbins watched in astonishment as from
realised that he had not been paying attention to each of the houses started to spill tiny, little
his path and found himself in an area of town people, no higher than his knee. Soon he was
that he did not recognise. surrounded and felt himself being pushed, not
The mist had closed in even more completely now in any way threateningly, towards a building.
and he could see no way out. Spinning around he He bade Scratcher wait and lowered himself to
searched in vain for some recognisable landmark the cobbles so that he could crawl through the
that could help guide him. The greenish fog made miniature door. Once inside he found himself
everything an undistinguishable suggestion and inside a tavern. A quarter of the size of ones he
he could not for the life of him decide on which was used to, but perfect in every other way.
way he should go. The little people all looked at him solemnly. Bob
As he stood there in quite a quandary he heard felt somewhat awkward as he had to recline on
footsteps close by and was suddenly aware of his side, there being no room to stand or sit,
something passing very near to him. Yet he but when two of the little fellows offered him a
could not make out anyone. barrel of ale, no bigger than a glass to him, Bob
gratefully accepted and quaffed the drink down.
“Hello,” he called out. “Hello, is anyone there?” A great cheer rang out and soon more barrels
The footsteps paused and then hastened away. were pushed forward and the piano began to
Bob Bobbins tutted in frustration and began play and much merriment was begun.
to follow. After several hours Bob realised that he must
“Hello! Can you not hear me? I’m lost and require be getting back on his way and he slid himself
directions,” he called after them. But again they out the tiny alehouse and bid farewell to his new
hastened their steps. Bob Bobbins hurried his friends. Scratcher joined him as he staggered
own steps and Scratcher began pulling after the up the stairs back to the streets above. After
fleeing tread. some time the fog seemed to clear and he found
himself in familiar streets. Making his way back
Soon they were quite flying through the zig-
home, at now a very late hour, he wondered
zag streets and contorted alleyways. He heard
how he would explain all this to his wife.
their quarry dart to the left and down some
unvisible stairway. Bob followed the sounds
and found the staircase.

137
“Buy a curranty bun, Mister?” she asked. “Made with my Grandmother’s special recipe.”

138
He could be seen leaving the Frudgers every morning carrying a large, wriggling sack.

139
 AN INV ITE TO SUPPER

Trying hard to contain his happiness Mr Henry Runtly nodded

politely to the butler as he was shown into Miss Hanatia de
Prave’s dining room. He was slightly late and his invitress, who
was well-known for not following customary behaviours, was
already seated and had begun supper.

He paused to take in her beauty, but his attention was caught by

the pitiful mewling coming from the sordid creature on her plate.
From where he stood he could not make out what it was exactly
but it appeared to have some sort of reptilian body and the most
irregular head that, to his horror, looked very much like that of
an old man.

“Would you care to join me, Mr Runtly?” asked Hanatia, delicately

slicing off the creature’s tail.

“No, I, err, I’m a…a vegetarian,” stuttered Mr Bobbins from the

doorway. His face the colour of porridge as he watched her eat
the strange little lizard-monkey-thing.

“Suit yourself,” Hanatia replied with a gentle smile. “All the more
for me.”

140
“Would you care to join me, Mr Runtly?” asked Hanatia, delicately slicing off the creature’s tail.

141
“Come with us,” they whispered. “Come see where we live.”

142
 THE FISHMAID’S TAIL

John Sloppersly was fond of walking by the down with the water he felt quite weak and sickly.
Thames, near to where the big boats came to “What are you doing in the water? You’ll catch
be unloaded. Here one could see and hear people your death of cold,” said he.
from all over the World and this filled John with
excitement. He loved to wander among the sailors, “Not us,” replied one with a bright smile as she
their shouts and calls and tumbles all muddling pulled herself up towards him.
together in a glorious cacophony. Despite its John Sloppersly gasped when he saw her bare
busyness he always felt at peace as he picked his bony arms and instinctively reached a hand out
way through the crowds and towers of crates and to help her. But when he saw her scaly body and
barrels stacked high all along the docks. long fishy tail he stumbled backwards. In his
Occasionally he would venture to the very heart confusion he tripped over some nets and became
of the docks and find himself a quiet, dark corner entangled. Unable to stand he watched helplessly
in one of the many drinkeries that were common as first one, then the other slithered onto the
in that place. Here he would sit and watch as the pathway and pulled themselves closer to him,
sailors came to spend their hard-gotten shillings their lips pulled back in big grins revealing rows
and boastfully recount their tales of imperilment. upon rows of needle-sharp teeth.
It was on one such night that John Sloppersly had a “Some sailors caught us in Fiji and brought us
most peculiar encounter. Having become involved here to sell to some Gentleman or other.”
in conversation with a jovial French sailor and a John could hear their voices but it didn’t match
hearty Whaler from Nantucket he had drunk with the writhing cod-wives in front of him.
rather more than he was accustomed and found
himself in quite a state. As he made his way home “We escaped and now we want to go home,”
through the crowds towards his lonely, little house, she continued.
he had trouble keeping himself from swaying. In “Come with us,” they whispered. “Come see
this unfortunate state he became disorientated and where we live.”
got somewhat lost within the maze of alleyways
and passages around the river. They had now drawn close enough that he could
smell them and they began pulling at his legs as
At present he found himself walking a path he he tried to back away.
had not walked before, being very close to the
dark, inky water and he had to hold out his arm “Come with us,” they both repeated, and as
and keep one hand against the wall to reassure he looked into their shiny, unblinking eyes he
himself that he would not fall in. seemed somehow to forget how to think and
began nodding along with them.
He had slowed his pace now and was considering
turning back and finding a route he was more But John Sloppersly had never been one for
familiar with when he heard a voice call out to adventure and despite a small part of him
him from the darkness. yearning to go with them, he declined.
“Mister. Are you lost?” A dark look flashed over their faces and they
slid back into the river with barely a ripple.
He turned himself around and looked all about, Across the docks John heard shouts of drunken
but could see no-one. sailors which caught his attention. It seemed to
“Down here, mister,” came another voice, He catch the Fishmaids’ attention too for when he
strained his eyes towards where the voice came looked back down they were gone and the water
from and was shocked to see a head bobbing in was still and empty.
the water. Another floated over. John Sloppersly picked himself up and carefully
“Wait there!” called John. “I’ll get help!” made his way home, his head relieved, but his
heart filled with regret.
The two heads laughed. “We don’t need no help,
mister!” said the first. Every night he would walk that same path home,
but no matter how many sailors went missing he
John’s head swam with the sound of their jingling never saw his Fishmaids again.
giggles and as he watched the heads bob up and

143
“Will this rain ever cease?” he wondered.

144
She cackled with gruesome delight as she stirred her broth.

145
 THE TALE OF GILBERT GRENK

One cold, Autumn morning Gilbert Grenk “Oh! If only that were true!”
found himself, as usual, walking through the He really did not believe the old crone’s words,
market, down the steps, past the Buttery and but could see no harm in trying and so bought
along the crooked, little street to the dwelling the remedy in exchange for a couple of pennies.
of the object of his affection. Forlornly he
looked at the door and wondered if he would “Drink it before you sleep and in the morning
ever summon up the courage to knock upon it. return here,” advised the Old Lady. “You will
As usual he hurried on his way, but on this day see your love returned.” And with that she left.
he was stopped by an old, whiskery lady. Later that day Gilbert sat on the edge of his
“Why, young sir, do you look so sad?” she asked narrow bed and inspected the bottle carefully,
in a quiet, croaky voice. his mind full of doubts. Unscrewing the cork he
poured the contents into a small glass. The thick
Usually Gilbert Grenk would not have liquid was a sickly brown colour and had a bitter
considered divulging the secrets he harboured, and foul smell to it.
but today he seemed unable to stop himself.
“Should my love be reimbursed this moment of
“Oh!” he lamented, “My love lives within that unpleasantness will be more than rewarded,” he
house, but they do not know nor notice me.” and raised the glass to his lips. Before he had
“Why not tell them?” asked the old lady. time to change his mind Gilbert swallowed the
“I am too shy,” replied Gilbert, “and fear they offensive dose, then lay down to sleep.
will not feel the same way as I. I’d rather carry That night he had many, many vivid dreams and
on not knowing than find out they could not when the Sun’s rays awoke him he did not feel
ever love me back.” at all himself. Yet his first thoughts were only if
“Tsk.” tutted the old lady wrinkling up her green it had worked as intended and he ran out of his
face. “Young sir, that makes no sense at all. house, not caring about the rain, through the
market, down the steps, past the Buttery and
“Why waste your life in such a puddle when you along the crooked, little street to the dwelling of
could do something to turn your life about.” the object of his affection. As he approached he
“Old lady, I’m afraid I cannot see myself being saw them on their steps and without thinking he
able to do such a thing,” said Gilbert. “I really ran to greet them.
am far too nervous a person.” “Oh my!” They exclaimed, smiling kindly, their
The old lady chuckled. “What you need, young eyes full of affection. “You poor thing, you are
sir, is a potion to make your beloved fall in love soaked. You must come in and warm yourself
with you.” She rummaged in her basket, pulled by the fire.” And they ushered Gilbert quickly
out a small green bottle and offered it to Gilbert. into the house. He could not contain his joy!
The Old Lady’s potion had worked!
“And this will make them fall in love with me,
you say?” said Gilbert. “Miaow!” cried Gilbert. “Miaow!”

146
“And this will make them fall in love with me, you say?” said Gilbert.

147
 Each morning, as Mr Tangleknot walked his pet alligator,
he would wonder what kind of peculiar folk lived in that strange, old house.

148
“As you can see,” she said, “I am completely hollow.”

149
 THE FAERY KING

She was shocked to see a fat, green lump of a “I would like great wisdom,” she said, “for that
man sat in the pond, a crown upon his head, is the greatest gift of all.”
his extravagant cloak hanging on an old tree
The Faery King nodded and she was bestowed
branch and a pair of the fanciest boots she had
with great wisdom.
ever seen next to it. He, too, was shocked and
“Next, I would like to be always lucky, for it
stared back at her with bewildered, green eyes.
seems to me, that even with great wisdom a
“Who are you and what on earth are you doing?”
certain element of chance is involved to make
asked the girl.
things go your way.”
“I am King of the Faeries and I am taking
Again the Faery King nodded and she was
a bath!” replied the creature with quite
granted her wish.
some indignation.
Now, feeling very wise and full of luck, the girl
“You don’t look like a Faery to me,” said
stared at the Faery King and pulled out a small,
the girl, regarding the blobbery, little man
glass bottle. “For my final wish,” she stated very
with suspicion.
calmly,” I wish to see if you can fit inside this
Looking most put out, he replied, “And have bottle.”
you ever seen a Faery before?”
The Faery King laughed. “This is the easiest
“Well, no, I can’t say I have,” the girl answered. of all!” he said. “You could have wished for
anything and you wished for this? You really
“Then how do you know I don’t look like one?
are a silly, little girl!” And then he nodded and
You mustn’t believe everything you read in
was suddenly shrunk down to the size of a bean
books, you know.”
and inside the bottle. As quick as flash the girl
The girl agreed that he made a very good point,
put the cork in the bottle and trapped the Faery
but still did not seem convinced.
King.
“I will grant you three wishes,” it gurgled.
“Now you will stay in there forever and grant
“Then perhaps you will believe me?”
me wishes whenever I please,” said the girl as
The girl clapped her hands and immediately she took his boots and his cloak and his crown.
made her first wish.

150
“I will grant you three wishes,” it gurgled.

151
Mr Cracksniffle looked at his watch and wondered
if this was the end or just the beginning?

152
 “I have many, many books,” drooled Lord Wretchedly
to no-one in particular. “Books that should never have
been written and books that should never be read.”

“I have books on life, on death, life after death, death

before life, undeath, unlife, but none, none can compare
to the diabolically, disturbing dreadliness of this book!”

“For this book. This Book holds all the secrets

of the unknown. Secrets beyond the threshold
of human comprehension!”

Explore sinister alleys and creaky old houses in this

collection of dreadly and mysterious ink drawings and
short stories from the World of Bertram Fiddle.
These tales of mystification and bepuzzlement will
make you shudder and snort with terror forevermore.

9 781916 501300