WOMEN PLAYING

HAMLET
A COMEDY BY
William Missouri Downs
Women Playing Hamlet (1st ed. - 10.22.15) - womenplayinghamlet_Elm
Copyright © 2015 William Missouri Downs
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Cast of Characters

JESSICA, late 20s—an actress, attractive, quirky, smart

Actress #1:
GWEN, female, an acting coach
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR, male, overconfident
GHOST, male, Hamlet’s father

Actress #2:
STARBUCKS ACTRESS, female, works at Starbucks
PRIEST, male, Catholic, celibate
BICYCLE MESSENGER, male, streetwise and hip
EMILY OSTERGAARD, female, Jessica’s computer-geek niece
BARFLY, female, alcoholic
HOME SHOPPING NETWORK MODEL, female, bubbly
ROSY, female, a young soap-opera starlet

Actress #3:
LORD DERBY, male, English Shakespeare scholar
MINNESOTA MOTHER, female, Jessica’s mother
MALE PSYCHIATRIST, male, a Jewish Freudian psychiatrist
BARTENDER, male, rough, tough, and tattooed
HOME SHOPPING NETWORK HOSTESS, female, bubbly
GILDA, female, grande dame soap-opera star and stroke victim
GRAVEDIGGER, male, a Cockney pun-master
STAGE MANAGER, female

Setting

This play (like Shakespeare’s plays) uses verbal scene painting to

suggest locations. In fact it’s only a stage. Ladders, platforms, flats,
trash bins, costume racks, and rehearsal furniture become the
settings—above, a rainbow of exposed Fresnels shine down on a
ghost light.

4
PowerPoint

A projection screen is used for PowerPoint presentations. Be creative

with these slides and feel free to add more if you’d like. Sample
PowerPoint slides are available. Contact downs@me.com for more
information.

Production Notes

This play can be staged with as few as four women or as many as

nineteen (or any number in between) but women must play all the male
roles. Men played all the women’s roles in Shakespeare’s day—here is
a chance for a little revenge.
This play should be staged as a fast-moving theatrical romp. Let
Jessica freely improvise with the audience, let the scenes move
quickly without blackouts or pauses, and have fun.

Acknowledgments

Women Playing Hamlet was first produced as part of a Rolling World

Premiere by the Unicorn Theatre (Missouri), The Harrisburg
Shakespeare Theatre (Pennsylvania), and the New Theatre
(Florida) as part of the National New Network’s Continued Life
Program. The cast and crew of the Unicorn Theatre premiere were
as follows:
JESSICA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Katie Karel
GWEN. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cathy Barnett
ACTRESS #1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Meredith Wolfe
ACTRESS #2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kathleen Warfel
Director . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cynthia Levin
Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tanya Brown
Scenic Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ian R. Crawford
Lighting Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alex Perry
Projection Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Kiehi
Costume Designer. . . . . . . . Georgianna Londre Buchanan
Properties Designer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Laura L. Brukhart
Technical Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alex Perry
Sound Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Kiehi

Special thanks to Cynthia Levin, Patrick Flick, Ricky Martinez, Ian

R. Crawford, Nan Barnett, and Lou Anne Wright.

5
Women Playing Hamlet, Unicorn Theatre, Kansas City, Missouri (2015).
 Women Playing Hamlet
by William Missouri Downs

ACT I

(The Shakespearean music crashes to a halt. Lights up on JESSICA,

an attractive, quirky, smart, twenty-nine-year-old actress who is
having a bit of a panic attack.)
JESSICA. (Nervous, to the audience:) I Can’t Play Hamlet! I can’t
play Hamlet because I’m being stalked by Patrick Stewart. That’s
right. “The” Patrick Stewart. “Sir” Patrick Stewart. And I think
members of the Royal Shakespeare Company are also plotting to
do me harm. So if Sir Patrick or any member of the R.S.C., or let’s
say anyone with a British accent in general should show up to-
night would you be so kind as to call the police. I need a verbal
response here.
(During this opening, and at other points in the play JESSICA
should freely improvise with the audience.)
JESSICA. Thank you. How did I get into this situation you ask? It
happened a few weeks ago when my fourteen-year-old niece visited
New York City from Minnesota. The R.S.C. was opening at the Booth
Theatre. I wanted to impress her.
(The PowerPoint lights up.)
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s super geeky, computer
nerd, fourteen-year-old niece. The caption reads, “Emily
Ostergaard—Loves ice fishing, the Minnesota Twins, darts, duck
hunting, pulled pork, and Grand Theft Auto.”]
JESSICA. (To audience:) Please forgive her, she’d only seen one play
in her life. I thought, she’s a bright kid, won numerous spelling bees,
she’ll get Hamlet. Had a friend in the cast who scored me perfect
opening night comp tickets, second row dead center. (To an audience
member) Right where you’re sitting. The production starred Patrick
Stewart as King Claudius.
[Power Point : A picture of Sir Patrick Stewart with the
caption, “Patrick Stewart—Golden Globe and Blockbuster Enter-
tainment Award Winner.”]
JESSICA. (To audience:) Two minutes before, the director bounces
up onstage to give the curtain speech. She tells us that she’s decided
to do Hamlet the way Shakespeare intended—no intermission! Then

7
8 William Missouri Downs

she invites us to an opening night Danish fondue reception in the

lobby after the show—“four hours from now.” Danish fondue, in case
you were wondering:
(She points at the screen.)
[Power Point: A picture of a drippy oozing bowl of fondue
with the caption, “Danish Fondue—Ingredients: Butter, Bacon,
Gouda Cheese, Havarti Cheese, and Hamm’s Beer.”]
JESSICA.(To audience:) Twenty minutes in my niece begins to fidget.
At the forty-minute mark, she whispers, “I gotta check my messages.”
But before I could stop her she climbs over the pile of patrons and
disappears up the aisle. Five minutes go by, I start to worry. Ten. I
can’t leave—second row dead center. Fifteen minutes. What could I
do? She’s by herself in the lobby with, like, ushers and perverts. So,
slowly and inconspicuously, I bury my totally muted iPhone deep in
my winter coat where no one could possibly ever see it.
(JESSICA texts.)
JESSICA. (To audience:) And I text the letter “R,” the letter “U” and
the letters “OK.” She texted back…
(She points to the screen.)
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s super-geeky, computer-
nerd, fourteen-year-old niece. Beside it a text message reads, “I
thought you said Hamlet was better than Cats.”]
JESSICA. (To audience:) I text, “It’s a complicated play, you have to
analyze it.” She texted…
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s niece. Beside it a text
message reads, “Okay, answer me this; if death is an undiscovered
country where no traveler returns, why is there a ghost in the
play?”]
JESSICA. (To audience:) I text, “Listen you little brat, get your
ass back in this theatre! Don’t be like your mother who has the
concentration of a nat. Who never enjoyed the arts or a meaningful
lasting relationship.” She texted back…
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s niece. Beside it a text
message reads, “I want to laugh. Let’s go see Clueless: The
Musical.”]
JESSICA.P.S.
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s niece. Beside it a text
message reads, “P.S. Gnat is spelled with a ‘G.’”]
 Women Playing Hamlet 9

JESSICA.I text, “Don’t you get it—to understand Hamlet is to laugh

at the absurdity of life. (Growing absorbed:) For at the moment we
laugh we defeat the absurdity, but only for a moment—for when we
laugh with Hamlet about the incongruity of society, of politics, of
death, of love, the absurdity lingers. Laughter is merely a temporary
solution to an eternal problem and Hamlet knows that.” (Beat.) But
before I could hit send, I noticed that the theatre had gone strangely
quiet. As a matter of fact, all the actors had stopped. And then
Patrick Stewart…
[Power Point: A picture of Sir Patrick Stewart with the
caption, “Patrick Stewart—Golden Globe and Blockbuster
Entertainment Award Winner.”]
JESSICA. …Stepped down, dead center, looked right at me and
said, “Young lady, you are an immature, rude, little twit.” (Tears)
…And somewhere in the recesses of my brain it occurred to me…
These are not lines from Hamlet. (Beat.) In the taxi on the way home,
after a silence that lasted well into Brooklyn, my niece finished her
doggy bag of Danish fondue and said, “Can I put on my Facebook
page that you were yelled at by Captain Picard?”
(She pulls herself together.)
JESSICA.That night my cell phone rang. I couldn’t believe it. It was
Patrick Stewart! I hung up. How did he get my number? He’s called
three times since. I’ve never answered. (Beat.) What follows may not
be exactly what happened. It’s not a mirror held up to nature, but it’s
kinda, sorta how I remember it. Let’s start with my old college English
professor. This is what he said about a woman playing Hamlet.
(A self-important, male HUMANITIES PROFESSOR played by
a woman enters.)
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.(Lecturing the audience:) It is obvious
that Shakespeare intended Hamlet to be played by a woman. Note
that lacking masculine virility, Hamlet uses qualities that are
associated with the female of the species.
(He clicks a clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture of Sarah Bernhardt playing Hamlet.
The caption reads, “Sarah Bernhardt as Hamlet.”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.(To audience:) Qualities such as com-
passion, diplomacy, and the ability to talk for long periods even
when it’s obvious that absolutely no one is listening.
JESSICA.(To audience:) He was a total asshole.
(He clicks the clicker:)
10 William Missouri Downs

[Power Point: A picture of Dame Judith Anderson playing

Hamlet. The caption reads, “Dame Judith Anderson as Hamlet.”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.(To audience:) Also note that Hamlet
does not directly seek revenge against King Claudius, but first
makes him suffer—what’s more feminine than this?
JESSICA.(To audience:) My freshman year he tried to feel me up after
a lecture on Beowulf—asked me to stay after class ’cause he said I had
unique insights into Anglo-Saxon lit. Walked right into it. I didn’t yet
know that no one has ever had unique insights into Anglo-Saxon lit.
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.(To audience:) Hamlet is after all a
waffling neurotic who is prone to fits of melancholia and violence—
who better to play him than a woman?
JESSICA. (To audience:) Have you ever noticed that humanities
professors lead sad unfulfilled lives? I’m okay with that.
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.(To audience:) This is why so many
less-than-manly men are attracted to the role. Such as Jude Law.1
(He clicks the clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture of Jude Law as Hamlet. The caption
reads, “Jude Law as Hamlet, 2008.”]
(The HUMANITIES PROFESSOR exits. The PowerPoint fades.)
JESSICA. (To audience:) As you might’ve already guessed, all the
male roles tonight will be played by women. In Shakespeare’s day
women’s parts were played by men so tonight we’ll have a little
revenge—After all it is Hamlet.
[Power Point: A picture of William Shakespeare. The caption
reads, “Verbal Scene Painting.”]
JESSICA.(To audience:) Not only will women play all the men’s roles
but also we’ll use Shakespeare’s own staging technique known as
Verbal Scene Painting. Shakespeare didn’t stage his plays on elaborate
sets, instead his characters verbally described the location at the
beginning of scenes thereby appealing to the audience’s imagination.
Here’s how it works.
(STARBUCKS ACTRESS enters holding a Starbucks cup.)
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.This Starbucks hath a pleasant seat; the
air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto our gentle senses.2

1
When this reference becomes outdated please feel free to update.
2
Macbeth (1.6).
 Women Playing Hamlet 11

JESSICA. (To audience:) And so we’re at a Starbucks. In addition

anything I don’t have time to tell you will appear on the screen.
[Power Point: A picture of Betty Ashland. The caption reads,
“Betty Ashland (Actress)—Starbucks Employee of the Month,
MFA in Acting From Minnesota State.”]
JESSICA.(To audience:) I know Shakespeare didn’t have PowerPoint.
He was born 426 years before it was invented, but if PowerPoint had
been around I think he would’ve used it.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.(To JESSICA:) Wait, let me get my brain
around this—you were cast as Hamlet?
JESSICA.(To audience:) This is my friend Betty. We both have MFAs
in acting from Minnesota State.
[Power Point: A picture of William Shakespeare. The caption
reads, “MFA: Master of Fine Arts.”]
JESSICA.(To audience:) I used to think the degree meant something
until I found that every employee at Starbucks has an MFA.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Hamlet not Ophelia?
JESSICA.Yes.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.But Hamlet was written for a man.
JESSICA.Yes, but hundreds of women have played the part.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Not only are you the wrong sex, but
you’re too young.
JESSICA.Hamlet’s thirty. I’m twenty-nine.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Olivier didn’t get it right until he was
forty-one. Richard Burton thirty-nine. Gielgud thirty-four. And god
forbid, Mel Gibson forty-four.
JESSICA.So I’ve got to wait five years.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Fifteen—you’re more of a Gibson than a
Gielgud.
JESSICA.I was just looking for a friend—someone to share the good
news with.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.You don’t need a friend, you need a
miracle.
(STARBUCKS ACTRESS exits.)
JESSICA.(To audience:) So I did the only thing I could do—
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.(Yelling from off:) A miracle!
12 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA. Yeah, I got it! (Back to the audience:) Knowing that I was
going to totally blow it—
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.(Yelling from off:) It’s hopeless!
JESSICA.Shut up and bring me my overpriced caffeine!
(She takes a breath and goes back to the audience.)
I contacted Lord Sebastian Derby the greatest living Shakespeare
scholar. After several email attempts he actually agreed to meet me
for a “spot” of tea.
(LORD DERBY, a proper English scholar, steps forward wearing
a bow tie. Again, played by a woman.)
[Power Point: A picture of Lord Sebastian Derby. The caption
reads, “Lord Sebastian Derby—Author of A Critical Study of
Hamlet and Hamlet: The Cliff Notes —Anonymous.”]
LORD DERBY.(Verbal scene painting:) There is no hotel like the
Carlyle. Brilliantly positioned on Manhattan’s Upper East Side
overlooking Central Park. It’s a true New York City landmark.
JESSICA.(Improvising with the audience:) We’re at the…?
AUDIENCE.Carlyle Hotel.
JESSICA.Very good. You catch on quick.
LORD DERBY.It is the greatest hotel in the world just as Hamlet is
the greatest literary work ever composed. It is transcendent ecstasy!
Do you know what transcendent ecstasy is?
JESSICA.Are we talking about Hamlet or the hotel?
LORD DERBY.Both! It is acoustic memories of a pre-verbal exis-
tence that wakes the intuitive, sympathetic vulnerable parts of the
soul.
JESSICA.I don’t know what that means but okay—
LORD DERBY.Do you love Hamlet?
JESSICA. Sure. But to be honest, I like lots of plays—everything
from Shakespeare to Simon—
LORD DERBY.Simon?
JESSICA.Neil Simon.
LORD DERBY.Stop! You’ve just committed the greatest sin one can
commit! You mentioned William Shakespeare and Neil Simon in the
same sentence!
JESSICA.Mr. Derby—
 Women Playing Hamlet 13

LORD DERBY.Lord.
JESSICA. Lord Derby, you got to admit that watching most theatre
companies’ productions of Hamlet is like sitting in the middle seat
on a really really really long flight. (Improvising with the audience:) I’m
right, right?
AUDIENCE.Right.
LORD DERBY.Those who do not love Hamlet should be transported
to the rural areas. There they should be provided basic shelter,
tools, and a plot of land so that they may eke out their middle-class
mediocrity without infecting society.
JESSICA.Isn’t that kinda harsh?
LORD DERBY.Quarantine is the only answer lest we degrade the
gene pool! Hamlet is the master’s masterpiece! It is Yahweh, Mount
Everest and Big Ben wrapped up in one. Hamlet is orgasmic! I tell
you or-gas-mic!
(He has a little lordly orgasm.)
LORD DERBY.Ooooo, I’m tingly.
(LORD DERBY exits.)
JESSICA. (To audience:) Okay maybe he didn’t say exactly those
words but it’s close.
LORD DERBY.(Yelling from off:) Orgasmic!
JESSICA. Yes, we heard you. (To audience:) And in fact he didn’t
really have an orgasm—
LORD DERBY.(Yelling from off:) Yes I did!
JESSICA. As my mother back in Minnesota used to say, I was in a
pickle.
(LORD DERBY re-enters.)
LORD DERBY.And one more thing! You’re too young to play
Hamlet. Sarah Bernhardt was fifty-five when she played the role.
Dame Judith Anderson didn’t play Hamlet until she was seventy-
two.
JESSICA.A seventy-two-year-old Hamlet?
LORD DERBY.What’s wrong with that?
JESSICA.How old was the actor playing King Claudius—a hundred
and thirty? (Improvising with the audience:) That’s absurd right?
AUDIENCE.Right.
14 William Missouri Downs

LORD DERBY.(Lecturing the audience:) This is the paradox of

Hamlet—those who are young enough to play him are too immature
to understand him. And those that are mature enough to understand
him are too old to remember their lines.
(LORD DERBY exits.)
JESSICA.(To audience:) Then I found this in Backstage Magazine:
[Power Point: A picture of Gwen Dorway. The caption reads,
“Tony Award-Nominated Acting Coach—Shakespeare Specialist—
Call 212-THE-ATRE.”]
JESSICA.Wouldn’t have done it, but I looked her up on the web and
buried deep in her Wikipedia page I found this:
[Power Point: A picture of the logo for Wikipedia. The caption
reads, “Gwen Dorway played Hamlet to excellent reviews. The
play closed after one performance.”]
JESSICA. “…Closed after one performance.” I had to find out
what that was about. We arranged to meet on stage before the first
rehearsal.
(The PowerPoint fades. JESSICA takes center stage.)
(Please Note: JESSICA has a gift for words. She’s a good actress
and with a little self-knowledge and confidence, she in fact could
play Hamlet.)
JESSICA. (By herself:) “To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of
outrageous—” Crap! (Panicked:) I suck! I totally suck. God, I need a
smoke.
(She digs into her backpack.)
JESSICA.(To herself:) Where’s my Nicorette?
(She pops in Nicorette.)
JESSICA.“To be…” (Chewing the gum for a moment) “Or not to be—”
Crap. Why was I cast? (Closing her eyes and tilting her face towards
heaven—rapid-fire:) Ms. Forsyth, whereever you are, hell, or limbo, or
wherever callous old-fart high school drama teachers go when they
stroke-out in front of the entire class, I-swear-we-didn’t-call-911-
because-we-really-did-think-you-were-leading-us-in-a-relaxation-
exercise. I just want you to know that I forgive you for not casting
me— ’Cause you were right, I suck—I really really suck.
GWEN.(From the darkened auditorium:) So what are you going to do
about it?
 Women Playing Hamlet 15

JESSICA. (Shielding her eyes from the lights:) Ms. Dorway? How long
have you been…?
GWEN.Long enough.
(During the following, GWEN steps from the auditorium. She’s a
vehement acting coach who loves the sound of her voice almost as
much as she loves long elegant scarves.)
GWEN. My acting teacher, the great Stella Adler, said, life crushes
your soul—theatre reminds you, you have one!3 Résumé!
JESSICA.Got one right here.
(JESSICA hands GWEN a headshot/résumé.)
GWEN.(Studying the résumé:) Jessica Bisset?
JESSICA.Stage name.
GWEN.Real name?
JESSICA.Ostergaard.
GWEN.You look familiar.
JESSICA. I get that sometimes. I played Rachael Buttonhole on The
Young and the Restless.
GWEN.Buttonhole?
JESSICA. I was on the show for fifteen weeks—wish it had been
longer—could’ve used the money.
GWEN.Wait. Buttonhole. Was that Victor Newman’s fun-loving but
conniving love interest, the one who died when she “accidentally”
fell from that Grand Canyon viewing platform?
JESSICA.That was me! You watch The Young and the Restless?4
GWEN.(Dismissive:) No, never seen it.
JESSICA.The producers wanted to bring me back but said they kind
of wrote themselves into a corner when they had my remains eaten by
wolves. I’m also in the new Quentin Tarantino movie. Was Prostitute
Number Three. But I don’t think you’d remember me from that.
GWEN.Why not?
JESSICA.I was thrown from the George Washington Bridge during
the opening credits. Long shot. Even my mother didn’t know it was
me.

3
Paraphrasing Stella Adler.
4
When this reference becomes outdated please feel free to update.
16 William Missouri Downs

GWEN.Warm up!
(During the following JESSICA warms up by performing a series
of stretches and shoulder rolls.)
JESSICA.You come highly recommended.
GWEN.Yes, I know.
JESSICA. And that Tony nomination, what, twenty-five years ago,
impressive.
GWEN.Two nominations two years in a row!
JESSICA.Oh, read that it was just one.
GWEN.And where did you read this?
JESSICA.Wikipedia.
GWEN.Well if you got it from Wikipedia it must be true! Place your
middle knuckle in your mouth and bite, thus!
(During the following JESSICA does as GWEN instructs.)
GWEN.Repeat after me—the Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in
the Hall.
JESSICA.(Knuckle in) The Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in the
Hall.
GWEN.Are you chewing gum?
JESSICA.Nicorette.
(GWEN grabs a small wastebasket and holds it up to JESSICA’s
mouth.)
GWEN.De-Nicor-ate!
(GWEN spits out the wad of gum.)
GWEN.Again!
JESSICA.(Knuckle in) The Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in the
Hall.
GWEN.Remove your knuckle.
JESSICA.Brought a script. Would you like me to—?
GWEN.First, business.
JESSICA.Oh, of course. Fifty dollars an hour, right?
GWEN.For level one. For level two it’s one hundred per hour.
JESSICA.The difference?
 Women Playing Hamlet 17

GWEN. At level one I will build up your self-confidence, I will

convince you that you are the perfect person to play Hamlet. You
will walk into every rehearsal and performance knowing that
nothing can stop you!
JESSICA.Wow. And level two?
GWEN.I will tell you the truth.
(JESSICA considers this for a moment.)
JESSICA.…Level two.
GWEN.We’re sure?
JESSICA.Yes. Level two.
GWEN.Okay. Begin. Who are you and what do you have in common
with Hamlet?
(GWEN pulls the ghost light to the side.)
JESSICA. (To audience:) What do I have in common with a four
-hundred-year-old fictional character? One thing and one thing
only—my mother married my uncle just like Hamlet’s mother
marries Hamlet’s uncle Claudius. It’s true. She told me at my father’s
funeral.
(Holy organ music. Light from a stained glass window lights the
floor.)
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s father Bud Ostergaard.
The caption reads, “In loving memory of Bud Ostergaard—Loved
ice fishing, the Minnesota Twins, darts, duck hunting, pulled pork,
and Marlboros.”]
(A PRIEST, played by a woman, enters eating a muffin. They both
stand before the unseen casket of JESSICA’s father.)
PRIEST. (Verbal scene painting:) Here we are at St. Genesius of the
Sorrowful Virgin—a charming church located in the suburbs of
Saint Paul. Its sublime stained-glass windows add a touch of color
in these times of darkness.
JESSICA.(Aside, to the audience:) We’re in a church.
PRIEST.So sorry about your loss.
JESSICA.Thank you father.
PRIEST.Your daddy was a good man.
JESSICA.Yes.
PRIEST.But now he is gone.
18 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA.True.
PRIEST.Departed.
JESSICA.Yes.
PRIEST.Dead.
JESSICA.Yes.
PRIEST.Death.
JESSICA.Your point?
PRIEST.“The undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller
returns…”
JESSICA.Ah. Hamlet.
PRIEST.“…Puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we
have than fly to others that we know not of…”5
JESSICA.You speak the Bard well.
PRIEST.I have an MFA in acting.
JESSICA.…Really?
PRIEST.Wanted to be an actor but the Lord did call—
JESSICA.Did he now?
PRIEST.Ah! Here comes your mother.
(Jessica’s MINNESOTA MOTHER enters. She’s Minnesota
nice.)
JESSICA.Mom.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.(Thick Minnesota accent:) Oooo. My sweet
little Jessie. So happy ya showed.
JESSICA.Mom, it’s Dad’s funeral, of course I showed.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.It’s just that you’re so busy with that
acting thing you got going there—Father Jorgensen, you’ve met my
daughter. She has a huge role in the soon-to-be-released Quentin
Tarantino movie—
JESSICA.Mom—
MINNESOTA MOTHER.She’s co-starring with Leonardo
DiCaprio. Tell ’em all about it.
JESSICA. Not exactly co-starring— (Changing the subject:) Mom, I
wrote a little speech—

5
Hamlet (3.1).
 Women Playing Hamlet 19

MINNESOTA MOTHER.Now don’t get defensive like you always

do, but I asked Father Jorgensen here to give the eulogy—he has an
MFA in acting.
JESSICA.So do I.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Yeah but his is from Yale, dontcha know.
JESSICA.Yale?
PRIEST.(Confident:) Yes. The big one.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Not too shabby, huh?
JESSICA. Sure. But an MFA in acting from Minnesota State is
nothing to scoff at.
(MINNESOTA MOTHER and the PRIEST scoff a bit.)
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Yeah, but it’s no Yale. Father Jorgensen if
you don’t mind I need to have a word with my daughter in private.
Is there a place we could talk?
PRIEST.(Pointing:) There’s the coat closet.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.That’d do just fine.
PRIEST.Did you bring the cheesy mashed potatoes?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Wouldn’t leave home without ’em. They’re
in the cooler beside the trout cakes.
(The PRIEST exits.)
(JESSICA and MINNESOTA MOTHER step into a small
closet—a rack of leftover costumes becomes the closet.)
MINNESOTA MOTHER.(Verbal scene painting:) My goodness this
closet is tiny. The dark paneled walls are scarred with the mark of
time and neglect.
JESSICA.(Whispering to the audience:) We’re in a closet.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.While the linoleum floor has been worn
down with the soles of so many faithful that’ve come before. Above,
darkness beteems the ceiling—
JESSICA.Mom, what did you want to tell me?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Almost done— Above, darkness beteems
the ceiling with a sorrowful reflection of decay and death. Okay.
So. It’s like this. We’re going to finish up here and then we’re going
to take the cooler over to your Uncle Wayne’s boat for a special
announcement.
JESSICA.Announcement?
20 William Missouri Downs

MINNESOTA MOTHER.Wait. You sound odd.

JESSICA.Odd?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.You’re talkin’ kinda funny there aren’t-
cha.
JESSICA.This is how I talk.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.No, you sound different.
JESSICA. Mom, I’ve had speech training. I’ve lost my Minnesota
accent.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.You didn’t have an accent. You talked
just fine. All the world’s got an accent, not Minnesotans.
JESSICA. It’s taken me months of training but I now speak what’s
called Standard American.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.There’s nothing standard about it.
JESSICA.Mom, what do you need to tell me?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Are you emotionally capable of handling
it?
JESSICA.I don’t know until I hear it.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Oh heck, Jess, I got myself in a pickle. I’m
in love with Wayne.
JESSICA.Wayne?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Yes, Wayne.
JESSICA.Do you mean Uncle Shorty?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Wayne and I have been in love for a
decade. And now that your father is…is…no longer in the picture.
JESSICA.Mom, he’s not even in the ground!
MINNESOTA MOTHER.True, but it won’t be long now.
JESSICA.You’re not announcing that you’re getting married?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.That’s not it.
JESSICA.Thank god.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.’Cause we got married last night.
JESSICA.Mom!
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Father Jorgensen saw that we were…
rather enthusiastic for each other, and that he’d better just go ahead
and get us conjugaled before we committed a mortal sin.
 Women Playing Hamlet 21

JESSICA.Mom, I don’t know what to say. I’m… I’m…

MINNESOTA MOTHER.Happy for us?
JESSICA.Disappointed!
MINNESOTA MOTHER.In Wayne?
JESSICA. In both of you! Oh my god! This is so embarrassing.
(Improvising with the audience:) This is embarrassing, right?
AUDIENCE.Right.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Oh for cripes sake, who would’ve
thought, my daughter, the theatre major, who’s always preaching
to the neighbors about same-sex marriage. They just want to rake
their stupid leaves but you gotta be out there talk in’ about how your
friends should be able to marry a goat if they want to—!
JESSICA.I never said anything about goats—!
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Would be so closed-minded as to deny
her mother happiness!
JESSICA.Mom, marry Shorty if you want, but wait a while.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.How long, how long did you want us to
wait? Give me a time frame.
JESSICA.A year?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.I could be as dead as your father in a
year. Life’s transitory, dontcha know!
JESSICA.Did you have any feelings for Dad?
MINNESOTA MOTHER.All kinds of feelings. But not like what I
got for Wayne. We made love last night and it was pretty darn good.
JESSICA.Oh my god! I’m not going to stand in a closet at my father’s
funeral discussing my mother’s sex life!
MINNESOTA MOTHER.What would you like to talk about?
JESSICA.Dad!
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Sex with him, not so good. That pill
he took didn’t work for four minutes let alone four hours, dontcha
know.
JESSICA.I’m not doing this.
(JESSICA exits the closet. MINNESOTA MOTHER follows.
The PRIEST enters eating a banana.)
PRIEST. I couldn’t find the cheesy mash so I absconded with a
banana, hope that’s okay.
22 William Missouri Downs

MINNESOTA MOTHER.Yeah, sure, you betcha.

PRIEST.You know you’re not supposed to put bananas in the cooler.
MINNESOTA MOTHER.Oh heck. Wayne doesn’t know nothin’
about food. (Screaming off:) Wayne! You put bananas in the cooler
again—told you not to do that!
(MINNESOTA MOTHER exits.)
JESSICA. (Pissed:) You! You married my mother to my uncle two
days after my father’s death?!
PRIEST.If we’re going to talk we should go back in the closet.
JESSICA.No! I’m not going in the closet!
PRIEST.(With deep fatherly understanding:) I sense in you a Hamlet-
like philosophical vacuum.
JESSICA.What? No.
PRIEST.In fact you’re looking for the immutable essence of self.
JESSICA.I don’t know what you’re talking about.
PRIEST.Your soul.
JESSICA.…Well… Sure. Who isn’t?
PRIEST. (Philosophical:) There is no real soul lurking behind our
actions. We are just selfish, distrustful beings that are hunkered
down in our individual NORAD6 mountains constantly strategizing
against each other. It might look like we are loading the dishwasher,
or taking the kids to school, but in fact we, like Hamlet, are plotting
our next move in the nuclear standoff that is life.
JESSICA. Look Father, it’s been real, but I’m not interested in your
Wikipedia answers.
PRIEST.(Indignant:) They don’t allow Wikipedia at Yale.
(The PRIEST starts to exit but stops.)
PRIEST.Oh, and by the way, you’re too young to play Hamlet.
(He exits.)
(The PowerPoint fades and we are back at the theatre. GWEN re-
enters. JESSICA takes center stage.)
JESSICA. “How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my
dull revenge!”7

6
North American Aerospace Defense Command.
7
Hamlet (4.4).
 Women Playing Hamlet 23

GWEN.Stop! Who is Hamlet?

JESSICA.Ah. Hamlet is…is… (Buying time:) A character in Hamlet…
GWEN.Give me particulars! Does he have friends?
JESSICA. One. Horatio. And two fake friends, Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
GWEN.Is he violent?
JESSICA.Rarely.
GWEN.Regretful?
JESSICA.Sometimes.
GWEN.Funny?
JESSICA.He’s got a dry wit.
GWEN.Vengeful?
JESSICA.In the last two minutes of the play.
GWEN.And who are you?
JESSICA.Me?
GWEN. If you’re to play the greatest role ever written you must
know thyself.
JESSICA.I’m…
GWEN.Yes?
JESSICA.Not sure what you’re…
GWEN.Do you have friends?
JESSICA. As of this morning I have seven hundred and fifty
Facebook friends.
GWEN.I mean real friends.
JESSICA.One.
GWEN.Are you violent?
JESSICA.I once slapped a man so hard I knocked his dentures out
a third-story window.
GWEN.Regretful?
JESSICA.I immediately apologized.
GWEN.Funny?
JESSICA.Knock-knock.
GWEN.What?
24 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA.Knock-knock.
GWEN.Who’s there?
JESSICA.Hamlet.
GWEN.Hamlet who?
JESSICA.(Singing:)
HAMLET LET THE DOGS OUT! WOOF, WOOF WOOF
WOOF…8
(GWEN is unamused.)
GWEN.So the answer is no. Do you really want to play this role?
JESSICA. (Not sure:) Sure, of course. It’s a great opportunity.
(Improvising with the audience:) I’m right, right?
AUDIENCE.Right.
(GWEN grabs a shopping bag.)
GWEN.Homework assignment! You are to take the contents of this
bag and build Hamlet’s purse.
JESSICA.Purse?
(JESSICA looks inside; it’s filled with fabric, buttons, buckles, and
parts of purses.)
GWEN. You cannot play a man unless you walk in his shoes, and
you cannot understand a woman unless you carry her purse.
JESSICA. Let me get this straight, you want me to take this stuff
home and build Hamlet’s handbag? Like with my own… I’m not
good with my hands—
GWEN.If you are going to dig deep into Hamlet’s psyche you must
dig deep into her purse. Tonight you will build it! Tomorrow you
will bring it to rehearsal!
(GWEN exits.)
JESSICA. (To audience:) That night’s rehearsal, total disaster—like
Hamlet being performed on the Hindenburg. Then, in the middle
of the night, I was struck by a brilliant idea. If I have to dig deep
into Hamlet’s psyche, why not see a psychiatrist? Not for myself,
I’m perfectly normal, but as Hamlet. That’s right I was going to play
Hamlet during the session, without the psychiatrist knowing, and
see if he could bring me any insight. Genius, admit it, I’m a genius.
(Improvising with the audience:) Right?

8
Sung to “Who Let the Dogs Out” by Baha Men.
 Women Playing Hamlet 25

AUDIENCE.Right.
(JESSICA picks up a little black book a la Hamlet and enters the
office.)
[Power Point: A picture of a bearded Freudian MALE
PSYCHIATRIST. The caption reads, “Dr. Max Feltenberg—
Licensed Mental Health Professional. PhD in Clinical Psychology
Long Island University.”]
(A bearded, Freudian MALE PSYCHIATRIST enters, yes played
by a woman.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Verbal scene painting:) Welcome to my
lavish office located near the intersection of Broadway and Central
Park West. Isn’t my partial view of Columbus Circle and the fine
greenery of the Park delightful but soothing?
(He has to lean to see the view.)
JESSICA. (Melancholic—paying Hamlet:) Yes. (Leaning to see the view:)
Nice view.
(JESSICA/HAMLET rests on a couch. The MALE
PSYCHIATRIST takes up a clipboard.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.You are?
JESSICA.Jessica.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST. And what brought you in today, Jessica?
JESSICA.I’m… (Dramatic pause) Unhappy.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Aren’t we all?
JESSICA. I have tons of unresolved emotional baggage. My father
died.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.How long ago?
JESSICA.Two months, no, not even two.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Grieving is normal.
JESSICA.And I was jumped over for a promotion at work.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Checking off a box on a form:) Which causes
anxiety—also normal.
JESSICA. In addition I think I might have an unhealthy sexual
attraction towards my mother.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Very interested:) How do you know it’s
unhealthy?
26 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA. I just sort of assumed that any sexual attraction towards

my mother was unhealthy.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Oh. Right. Oedipus complex?
JESSICA.Do women suffer from that?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Generally no. (Checking off a box on a form:)
Let’s call it pre-oedipal ambivalence.
JESSICA.In addition I can’t seem to take action.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Checking off a box on a form:) Ah yes, Jimmy
Carter Syndrome.
JESSICA.And yet, I have doubts.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Doubts?
JESSICA. Is the ghost real? Or is it my imagination? Or could it be
the devil tempting me?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.So sorry, ghost?
JESSICA.The ghost of my father—it’s been kinda following me.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Checking off several boxes:) Paranormal
activity coupled with demonic possession.
JESSICA. No. I was just thinking that the ghost might be the devil
tempting me—I’m not actually seeing devils.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Crossing out the check mark:) Strike demonic
possession. Constipation?
JESSICA.Ah…I hadn’t considered that but, yeah, I guess I have been
a little constipated. But more importantly I’ve contemplated suicide.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Ah yes, that is more important. When was
the last time you had an orgasm?
JESSICA.Pardon?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Your last orgasm? The date.
JESSICA. Ah… I don’t generally write down the dates of my
orgasms, but let’s say it’s been a while.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Checking off a box on a form:) Decreased
libido, constipation… Coupled with mood swings?
JESSICA. Now that you mention it, one moment I’m awestruck by
the ghost, the next I joke about it. I’m talkative yet silent, given to
sudden flashes of anger yet consumed by melancholy.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.When you cough or sneeze do you have
leakage?
 Women Playing Hamlet 27

JESSICA.Leakage?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Urine trickle.
JESSICA.What does that have to…
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.I think I know what your problem is.
JESSICA. Really, that fast? (Improvising with the audience:) That was
fast wasn’t it?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Adding it all up on his clipboard:) You’re…
JESSICA.Yes?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Suffering from existential ontological
overload.
JESSICA.Ooo, I like how that sounds.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.In other words… You’re hormonal.
JESSICA.Excuse me?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Premenopausal.
JESSICA.(Speechless:) What…
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.It’s rare with women your age but not
entirely unheard of. I’m making you a prescription for a monoamine
oxidase inhibitors and a tricyclic.
JESSICA.Monoamine what?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Antidepressants. In addition I’m starting
you on a hormone replacement program.
(He writes several prescriptions.)
JESSICA.Wait. Are you saying that I’m having hot flashes?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Now I must warn you, these drugs have
side effects—including anxiety, insomnia, fatigue, irritability,
nervousness, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. But you already
suffer from these so it shouldn’t be a problem.
JESSICA. Hold on! Are you insinuating that my profound
philosophical insights and neurotic pessimism are a female problem?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.While I’m at it I’m going to throw in
a really good vaginal lube. Vagi-Maxer—it’s more slippery than
synthetic motor oil.
JESSICA.Oh for god sake!
(JESSICA starts out.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Wait!
28 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA.(To audience:) Then of course it happened.

MALE PSYCHIATRIST.“Suit the action to the word, the word to
the action, with this special observance that you o’erstep not the
modesty of nature.”9 When do you open?
JESSICA.You know?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Do you think you’re the first actress who
ever tried this?
JESSICA.Others have…?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Numerous times. The first time it hap-
pened with me was with an actress playing Blanche in Streetcar.
Unfortunately I had her committed before I knew what she was
up to. In retrospect, her protests, as she was led away, now seem
particularly gut-wrenching.
JESSICA.You knew I was playing Hamlet?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.I have an MFA in acting. Yeshiva
University. Go Maccabees.
JESSICA.How did I know you were going to say that.
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Holding up the prescription:) You’re about to
play one of the most baffling and contradictory roles ever written,
you might need a little help.
JESSICA. Thanks doctor but I think I can play Hamlet without
oxidase inhibitors.
(JESSICA starts out.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Ham-a-letta!
(JESSICA stops.)
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Hamlet is a great play because it identifies
the human character.
JESSICA.Which is?
MALE PSYCHIATRIST.(Philosophical:) There is no real self lurking
behind our actions. In the subterranean battleground of id, ego
and superego our soul is nothing more than a fluctuating tangle of
conflicting impulses. We, like Hamlet, are not a well-ordered system
but only a pile of varied passions and shifting psychological states
that are adrift in a flat, feral, forsaken universe.
(Beat. JESSICA grabs the prescription.)

9
Hamlet (3.2).
 Women Playing Hamlet 29

MALE PSYCHIATRIST.Smart move.

(JESSICA exits. The MALE PSYCHIATRIST fades. The Power-
Point fades. GWEN enters.)
GWEN.The best-known thirty-three lines in the history of theatre—
Take it again. This time without hyperbolics. As Stella Adler said,
“the play’s not in the words, it’s in you!” Ready? I shall cue you. King
Claudius says, “The harlot’s cheek, beautied with plastering art is
not more ugly to the thing that helps it than is my deed to my most
painted word. O heavy burden!” And Polonius answers, “I hear her
coming; let’s withdraw, my lord.” Go.
(GWEN takes a seat in the audience. JESSICA enters with a little
black book. She slowly crosses center.)
JESSICA.“To be—!”
(JESSICA takes a dramatic pause.)
GWEN.“Or not to be.” That’s rather obvious isn’t it?
JESSICA.(Quickly, pissed:) “Or not to be.”
GWEN.Why such a long pause?
JESSICA.I’m being dramatic.
GWEN.Paraphrase the pause and begin again!
(JESSICA resets.)
JESSICA. “To be (She quickly adds:) Or-not-to-be. That is the
question: whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and
arrows—”
GWEN.Stop! Hamlet is not a ham! Again!
(JESSICA resets.)
JESSICA.“To be (Quickly:) Or-not-to-be—”
GWEN.I don’t understand—what are you doing?
JESSICA.I’m trying to play all the emotions.
GWEN.All what emotions?
JESSICA.I’ve analyzed the text. In these thirty-three lines there are
fifty-two emotions. I’ve worked it all out.
GWEN.Fifty-two?
JESSICA.Watch…
(JESSICA pulls from her pocket a long checklist of emotions.)
30 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA. (Quickly acting each emotion:) Uncertainty— “To be, or not

to be—that is the question.” Indignation— “Whether ’tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”
Introspection— “Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by
opposing end them.” Resignation— “To die, to sleep no more.”
Realization mixed with resignation mixed with disappointment mixed
with reflection— “And by a sleep to say we end the heartache—”
GWEN.Stop!
JESSICA.What?
(GWEN walks back up on stage.)
GWEN.In all my years coaching I’ve never seen anyone who was…
JESSICA.(Hopeful:) Yes—?
GWEN.So completely and utterly unprepared to play Hamlet!
JESSICA.I—
GWEN. Wait, I have more. Not only can you not play Hamlet, but
it’s entirely possible that your children will lack the emotional depth
needed. You lack even the DNA to play the role!
JESSICA.This isn’t easy I could use a little encouragement.
GWEN.Have you finished your Hamlet handbag?
JESSICA.I haven’t been able to get it right.
GWEN.That’s exactly what I expected. Lesson over.
(GWEN gathers her things to leave.)
JESSICA. (Dropping pretension:) You know, maybe, just maybe, it’s
not me that’s the problem—but the play.
GWEN.Excuse me?
JESSICA. It’s just a simple revenge plot—hardly original. Revenge
was a popular theme that season and Shakespeare needed a script
quick so he plagiarized another playwright’s play.
GWEN.Creative adaptation is the seed of genius!
JESSICA.He even wrote so fast he made mistakes.
GWEN.Mistakes? In Hamlet?
JESSICA.Hamlet declares that death is an “undiscovered country”10
from which no traveler returns—yet just moments earlier he has a
conversation with the ghost of his father.

10
Hamlet (3.1).
 Women Playing Hamlet 31

GWEN.So?
JESSICA.Obviously someone returned!
GWEN. The ghost is in a parallel ethosphere between life and
death—
JESSICA. Early in the play Horatio states that Hamlet was at
the battle where his father killed Fortinbras’s father, the King of
Norway—yet, late in the play the gravedigger says that Hamlet was
born at the castle that very same day.11
GWEN.Your point?
JESSICA.It’s a mistake.
GWEN.It is an abstractual12 element—
JESSICA.And what are all these Latinized names about? Claudius,
Francisco, Marcellus? It’s Denmark! You’d think he’d throw in a few
Lindströms or Johannessens!
GWEN.This borders on sacrilege—
JESSICA. And it’s way-way-way too long—twenty-nine thousand,
five hundred, and fifty-one words!
GWEN.Shakespeare never blotted a line!13
JESSICA. No shit! What was he, paid by the word? My sophomore
year in college I played Ophelia in an uncut version. Had to drop out
of the play at the top of act five ’cause I had to go graduate.
GWEN. Repeat after me— Hamlet is the Mona Lisa of literature
and Shakespeare the Leonardo of playwrights! Say it or I shall not
return!
JESSICA. (Reluctantly:) Hamlet is the Mona Lisa of literature and
Shakespeare… Blah blah blah.
GWEN.He was a genius! Say it!
JESSICA.He was a genius.
GWEN.Good.
JESSICA. A genius who mixed dazzling verbal brilliance with
idiotic puns and sophomoric fart jokes!
GWEN.My god! Does your generation believe anything is holy?

11
Compare statements made in Hamlet, 1.1 and 5.1.
12
This is not a word but that doesn’t stop her. Shakespeare made up words so does Gwen.
13
Quoting Ben Jonson.
32 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA. I agree with Tolstoy who felt that Hamlet was nothing
more than a thin plotline that Shakespeare manipulated in order to
pontificate.
GWEN.And where did you read this? Wikipedia?
JESSICA.…No. It was… It was…
GWEN.It was Wikipedia wasn’t it?
JESSICA.…And other creditable sources.
GWEN.Goodbye.
JESSICA.Wait. I beat out dozens of other actors, through a process
of four auditions, over a two-week period to make the final callback!
And I got the role! I have the DNA!
(A bicycle bell. A streetwise and hip BICYCLE MESSENGER
rolls in.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER.I hate to interrupt this thing you got goin’
here, but I’m looking for one Jessica Bisset.
JESSICA.I’m Bisset.
BICYCLE MESSENGER.From your agent.
(Hands her a note. JESSICA opens it.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER.By the way he’s pissed. Wanted me to tell
you to your face, “Turn on your phone!” Sign here.
(He hands JESSICA a clipboard, she signs. She opens the note and
reads.)
GWEN.What’s so important as to interrupt rehearsal?
BICYCLE MESSENGER.She’s been offered a part.
GWEN.What part could possibly be more important than Hamlet?
JESSICA.(Reading the message:) …None of your business.
BICYCLE MESSENGER.(Jaded:) It’s customary to place a few
shillings in the palm of the individual who just risked life and limb,
almost getting doored twice, to deliver this message.
(BICYCLE MESSENGER holds out his hand. JESSICA digs
through her backpack for a tip.)
GWEN.What part?
JESSICA. They got a problem over at The Young and the Restless. An
actress quit. They’re doing an emergency rewrite. They want to fly
me to L.A. They want me back.
 Women Playing Hamlet 33

GWEN. I thought your character fell off a Grand Canyon viewing

platform and was eaten by wolves.
JESSICA. They want to bring me back as Rachael Buttonhole’s evil
twin sister.
BICYCLE MESSENGER.Ah! You’re Rachael Buttonhole! I knew I
knew you!
JESSICA.Here. Take it. Go.
(She hands him a few bucks.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER.(Philosophical:) If I may offer some advice.
Human beings aren’t capable of philosophical cognizance. We are
merely designed to outrun our predators, attack our food source, and
seek revenge. That’s what makes Hamlet so totally awesome, revenge.
JESSICA.Who are you to give me advice on Hamlet?
BICYCLE MESSENGER.I have my MFA in acting. Juilliard.
JESSICA.Get out!
BICYCLE MESSENGER.Just trying to help.
JESSICA.Out!
(The BICYCLE MESSENGER starts out but stops.)
BICYCLE MESSENGER.Oh, and by the way, you’re too young to
play Hamlet.
(The BICYCLE MESSENGER pedals out. Beat.)
GWEN. Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin sister—you’d take this over
Hamlet?
JESSICA. (Reading the agent’s message:) It’s a hell of a lot of money.
And a twenty-week contract with an option to extend. And a first-
class airline ticket.
GWEN. Instead of playing the greatest role in the history of the
theatre!?
JESSICA.Which according to you I don’t have the talent to play.
GWEN.Not yet. (Beat.) Hamlet or Buttonhole. Your answer?
(The lights fade to a single pool of light. JESSICA steps into it.)
JESSICA.(To audience:) To play Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin sister,
or not to play Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin sister, that is the question.
Whether ’tis nobler… Wait. Is that why Hamlet delays? She needs
time to think. We all need to take an intermission in life in order to
contemplate things—
34 William Missouri Downs

(LORD DERBY interrupts by stepping into JESSICA’s light and

nudging her out of the way.)
[Power Point: A picture of Lord Sebastian Derby. The caption
reads, “Lord Sebastian Derby—Author of A Critical Study of
Hamlet & Hamlet: The Cliff Notes —Anonymous.”]
LORD DERBY.(Snobbish, lecturing the audience:) Sterilization!
JESSICA.Oh god, you again.
LORD DERBY.That is the only answer for those who do not
understand Shakespeare! (Lecturing the audience:) Did you know that
Shakespeare’s complex syntactical constructions and grammatical
anomalies cause heightened brain activity during brain scans? It’s
true! His habit of nouning verbs and verbing nouns forces the brain
to work at a higher level of evolutionary consciousness!
JESSICA.Do you mind? I’m kinda in the middle of a soliloquy here
about intermissions.
LORD DERBY.Did you know that when Shakespeare’s Hamlet was
first performed it did not have intermissions? The five-act structure
and the intermissions were added later. Intermissions were needed
once the theatre moved indoors, the stage was lit by candles and so
they needed time to relight.
JESSICA.Please go away.
LORD DERBY.Hamlet! I’m tingly!
JESSICA.Get out!
LORD DERBY.(Dramatic:) Sterilization!
(LORD DERBY steps out of the light. JESSICA takes center stage.)
JESSICA. (Hamlet-ish:) To have an intermission, or not to have an
intermission. (Dramatic:) That Is The Question!
(Blackout.)
[Power Point: A picture of William Shakespeare smiling. The
caption reads, “Intermission.”]
End of Act I
 ACT II

(Lights up on the HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.)

HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.(Pompous, lecturing the audience:)
William Shakespeare—mass murderer!
(He clicks a clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture of angry William Shakespeare. The
caption reads, “William Shakespeare—Mass Murderer!”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.In 1891 Shakespeare connoisseur
Eugene Schieffelin set out to introduce every bird mentioned by
Shakespeare to North America.
(He clicks his clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture of a nineteenth-century man in a top
hat. The caption reads, “Eugene Schieffelin (1827–1906)—Bird
Lover & Shakespeare Fan!”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.Did you know starlings are not native
to America?
(He clicks his clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture of a starling. The caption reads,
“Starling—Scientific Name: Sturnus Vulgaris.”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.To fulfill his ambition Mr. Schieffelin
imported from Europe sixty starlings and released them in Central
Park. Today, over a century later, there are hundreds of millions of
starlings in North America. Their droppings have been linked to
numerous diseases caused by breathing airborne fungal spores that
originate in starling fecal matter.
(He clicks his clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture of a starling taking a poop. The caption
reads, “Contained in Starling Droppings: E. Coli, Salmonella,
Cryptococcosis & Paratuberculosis.”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.And did you know that at 5:40 pm on
Oct 4th 1960, some seventy years after Mr. Schieffelin set forth his
Shakespeare-inspired eco-terror, a cloud of starlings numbering at
least twenty thousand flew into the path of a passenger plane taking
off from Logan Airport, Boston. Not only did they lose engines, but
hydraulics.
(He clicks his clicker:)
[Power Point: A picture a of four-engine prop passenger
plane. The caption reads, “Lockheed L-188 Electra (62 Dead)—

35
 Still stands today as the worst accident in airline history caused
by bird strikes.”]
HUMANITIES PROFESSOR.Three score and two dead. And
why? Because in act one, scene three of Henry IV, Part 1 Shakespeare
mentions a starling. Just be thankful that The Bard failed to mention
penguins— God knows what would’ve happened. (Beat.) We all
bump into Shakespeare during our lifetime. Some his words. Some
his philosophies. Some his starlings.
(The HUMANITIES PROFESSOR exits. EMILY OSTER-
GAARD, Jessica’s niece, enters.)
EMILY OSTERGAARD.(Light Minnesota accent—to the audience:) Hi
everyone. It’s me. Emily Ostergaard. Jessica’s niece. She complained
about me earlier. Took me to see Hamlet when I was fourteen—
Danish fondue, don’t ya know.
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s niece with the caption,
“Emily Ostergaard—Loves ice fishing, the Minnesota Twins,
darts, duck hunting, pulled pork, and Grand Theft Auto.”]
EMILY OSTERGAARD.Jessica left out a whole bunch when she
told that story. In fact I felt really bad for what I did, I mean awful.
So that night I texted Patrick Stewart and told him how sorry Jessica
felt for interrupting his performance. He texted back:
(She points at the screen.)
[Power Point: A picture of Sir Patrick Stewart with the caption
as a text message; it reads, “How did you get my number?”]
EMILY OSTERGAARD.So I texted him that it wasn’t that hard,
(Texting:) I’m a teenager and I’m good with computers, but that’s not
important right now. What is important is that Jessica feels really
really bad and I’m worried that she might even try to off herself
dontcha know. And couldn’t you give her a call and let her know
that it’s okay. He texted back:
(She points at the screen.)
[Power Point: A picture of Sir Patrick Stewart with the
caption as a text message; it reads, “No really, how the hell did you
get my number?”]
EMILY OSTERGAARD.So I texted him Jessica’s phone number.
(Texting:) I promise I won’t bug you anymore if you call her. If you
are a decent human being, if you had one forgiving bone in your
body, you’ll call her and forgive her. (Back to the audience:) I don’t
think he ever did call her. So I posted his personal number to my
2,343 Facebook friends. (Smiling:) One thing I did learned from
Hamlet— Hashtag Revenge!

36
 Women Playing Hamlet 37

(EMILY OSTERGAARD runs out. The PowerPoint fades. We

are back to the stage.)
(JESSICA enters studying her script.)
JESSICA. “O, that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw and
resolve itself into a dew! Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d His
canon ’gainst self-slaughter.”14 (Tired:) “Words, words, words.”15
(GWEN enters.)
GWEN.I thought you quit.
JESSICA.They gave me twenty-four hours to decide.
GWEN. I will not work with you unless you are steadfastly
committed to Hamlet—
JESSICA.(Not so sure:) I’m totally…committed.
GWEN.Then say it. Hamlet is…
JESSICA. …The Mona Lisa of literature and Shakespeare the Leon-
ardo of playwrights.
GWEN.And the ghost?
JESSICA.(Beaten:) The ghost is in a parallel ethosphere.
GWEN.Let me see if I have time next week.
(GWEN takes out her day planner.)
JESSICA.Couldn’t we work now?
GWEN.Right now I’m working with someone else. Your understudy.
(The STARBUCKS ACTRESS runs in.)
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.So sorry, I’m late. It’s not Spring forward
Spring back, it’s Fall back Spring forward. Now I know.
JESSICA.Betty?
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Jessica!
[Power Point: A picture of Betty Ashland. The caption reads,
“Betty Ashland (Actress)—Starbucks Employee of the Month,
MFA in Acting from Minnesota State.”]
JESSICA.You’re my…?
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Understudy. That’s right. Tough role huh?
GWEN.You know each other?

14
Hamlet (1.2).
15
Hamlet (2.2).
38 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA.We both got our MFAs from Minnesota State.

GWEN. (Dismissive:) Isn’t that wonderful—reunion over. Time to
work.
JESSICA.But—
GWEN.(To JESSICA:) Have you finished your Hamlet handbag?
JESSICA.Ah. No. I haven’t been able to make much progress.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Got mine right here!
(STARBUCKS ACTRESS holds up her completed Hamlet
handbag, a shitty patchwork of parts and pieces slapped together—
it has no point and looks like crap.)
GWEN.Isn’t that wonderful!
JESSICA. What? That’s terrible. (Improvising with the audience:) I’m
right, aren’t I?
AUDIENCE.Right.
GWEN.(To JESSICA:) Why don’t you go work on yours and let us—
who are committed to the role—rehearse.
(GWEN turns her back on JESSICA.)
GWEN.Now Betty. I must say you’re coming along nicely.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.(Thrilled:) Thank you.
GWEN. Seldom have I come in contact with such a Shakespearean
talent.
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Really? Wow.
GWEN. I have no doubt that the Bard had you in mind when he
composed the melancholic prince.
(Pissed, JESSICA interrupts by clearing her throat.)
GWEN.Yes?
(JESSICA nods calling GWEN over.)
JESSICA.(Quietly to GWEN:) She really that good?
GWEN.(Quietly to JESSICA:) No. She only paid for level one.
(GWEN turns back to the actress.)
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.(To GWEN:) Guess what, I downloaded a
Hamlet video game app.
GWEN.(Fake excitement:) A Hamlet video game?
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.Yeah. It wasn’t much fun.
 Women Playing Hamlet 39

GWEN.No?
STARBUCKS ACTRESS.It takes about four hours to play and then
nothing happens until the last two minutes.
GWEN.(To STARBUCKS ACTRESS:) Warm up! Knuckle in! Repeat
after me, “The Sucky Suckling Sucked the Succotash.”
(GWEN and STARBUCKS ACTRESS exit.)
JESSICA.(To audience:) That night I was left with no other choice but
to get drunk.
[Power Point: A picture of a bar. The caption reads, “Shakes-
BEER (Literary Pub)—Happy Hour: all day.”]
(A crappy bar. A rough, tough, and tattooed male BARTENDER
wearing a long dark coat. JESSICA enters. She’s already had a few
drinks.)
BARTENDER. (Verbal scene painting:) Welcome to Shakes-BEER!
A local watering hole near the NYU campus where (In one breath:)
humanities-professors-stave-off-the-boredom-of-their-empty-
existence-by-complaining-about-how-they-outgrew-their-wives-
and-so-they-were-forced-to-sleep-with-a-grad-student-in-order-
to-get-the-intellectual-stimulation-they-needed-only-to-have-
the-grad-student-leave-three-years-later-because, to-quote-her,
(Breath) “You’re suffocating me.” Note how the aroma of watered-
down Heineken, and discarded copies of Atlantic Monthly gives
the place its feeling of death and decay. What can I get the little
lady?
JESSICA. (A little tipsy:) Wait. First answer me this— Do you have
an MFA?
BARTENDER.A what?
JESSICA.Masters of Fine Arts— In any subject.
BARTENDER.Odd question.
JESSICA.Do you?
BARTENDER.Can’t say I do.
JESSICA.You’re sure?
BARTENDER.I ought to know if I have an MFA or not. A little wine
for the lady?
JESSICA.Don’t know.
BARTENDER.Beer?
JESSICA.Not sure.
40 William Missouri Downs

BARTENDER.Hard liquor?
JESSICA.Perhaps.
BARTENDER.Ah. This is so like a woman.
JESSICA.What is?
BARTENDER. To delay. A man would’ve bellied-up and ordered.
Women take their time.
JESSICA.Why?
BARTENDER.Because, we men are more confident.
JESSICA.Why?
(A drunk and toothless BARFLY enters wearing a tatty old
bathrobe.)
BARTENDER. Because men naturally think in absolutes: ones/
zeros, on/off, heaven/hell. You’re with us or against us. With such
an uncomplicated view of life the only possible result is confidence.
BARFLY. (Shit-faced:) Men are incapable of thinking in variables!
Trust me, I’ve been married four times!
(But she only holds up three fingers. She passes out on the bar.)
BARTENDER. Women are nothing but a bunch of contingencies.
You switch roles on a dime, like a waitress turning tables for
maximum profit. As Shakespeare says, God gave you one face and…
JESSICA.“We make ourselves another.”16
BARTENDER.So what will it be?
JESSICA.Look, sorry, it’s just that I’ve been waffling for two days.
BARTENDER.On what to drink? Even for a woman that’s a record.
JESSICA. No. Can’t seem to make up my mind about my career. I
spend hours weighing the variables. But can’t seem to take action.
BARTENDER. Ah, you’re asking the question that so many in the
humanities ask.
JESSICA.How am I going to pay off my student loans?
BARTENDER.No, why does Hamlet delay?
JESSICA. That’s obvious; he needs time to consider the ghost’s
intentions.

16
A reference to Hamlet, 3.1: “God has given you one face and you make yourselves
another.”
 Women Playing Hamlet 41

BARTENDER.Wrong.
JESSICA. He delays because he’s waiting for the optimal moment
to strike.
BARTENDER.Wrong.
JESSICA.He’s looking for definitive proof of King Claudius’s guilt?
BARTENDER.More wrong!
JESSICA.He’s suffering from existential ontological overload?
BARTENDER.What the hell does that mean?
JESSICA.I don’t know but it sure sounds good.
BARTENDER. Hamlet delays because he’s womanly! Indecision,
thy name is woman!
JESSICA.Is not!
BARTENDER.We men are better at making decisions because we
have a short list of characters to play: husband, father, bartender.
Women, on the other hand, have to play many roles: wife, nurse,
teacher, daughter, peacemaker, boss, mother, virgin, and whore-
that’s-thrown-off-the-George-Washington-Bridge.
JESSICA.Huh?
BARTENDER.Saw you in that movie! You were great as a whore.
(Calling out to the bar:) Hey everybody it’s that actress who played
that whore in that Quentin Tarantino movie!
(The BARFLY wakes up.)
BARFLY.Oh my god! You’re Rachael Buttonhole! Oh my god! I need
an autograph.
JESSICA.(Perturbed:) …Sure.
(JESSICA signs an autograph on a bar napkin.)
(The BARTENDER drops a drink the color of dark piss in front
of JESSICA.)
BARTENDER.On the house!
JESSICA.What’s that?
BARTENDER.That’s good. That’s what that is.
BARFLY.Oh my god— (Squinting to read the napkin:) Wait. What is
this, “Jessica Bes-set”?
JESSICA.That’s my name.
BARFLY.No, sign it right—Rachel Buttonhole!
42 William Missouri Downs

(JESSICA crosses out and signs again.)

JESSICA.(To BARTENDER:) And so you’re saying Hamlet’s charac-
ter is made up of bits and pieces that are overwhelmed by too many
variables, causing procrastination.
BARTENDER.Correct.
JESSICA.Then why does Hamlet take action?
BARTENDER.Does he?
JESSICA.He manipulates, he plots—
BARTENDER.But he fails to take dramatic action until the last two
minutes of the play.
(JESSICA hands the napkin to the BARFLY.)
BARFLY.(Reading the autograph:) Oh my god! Oh my—!
(Mid-sentence, the BARFLY passes out.)
JESSICA. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that Hamlet should be
played by a woman.
BARTENDER.But it does make him a her!
JESSICA. What do you want? Hamlet told with black-and-white
masculine thinking?
BARTENDER.It would be a much better play!
JESSICA. (To everyone in the bar and audience:) Stop! Everyone just
stop! I will now present a play-within-a-play. Shakespeare’s Hamlet
told only with masculine thinking.
(A clap of thunder. Eerie lights. Fog.)
[Power Point: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger playing
Hamlet. The caption reads, “Shakespeare’s Hamlet—Told With
Masculine Thinking!”]
(In the haunting light, the GHOST of Hamlet’s father enters.)
GHOST.(Otherworldly:) Hamlet! Hamlet!
(JESSICA quickly dresses in inky cloak made from a tablecloth to
play Hamlet.)
HAMLET/JESSICA. (Dramatic:) Hark, what’s this? S’wounds! Me-
thinks it be the ghost of the dead king, my father.
GHOST.Son!
HAMLET/JESSICA.’Tis I!
GHOST.Your lecherous uncle slew me! Slay him!
 Women Playing Hamlet 43

HAMLET/JESSICA.Revenge is mine! Wait, where be my bare bodkin?

(The BARTENDER hands JESSICA a fork.)
HAMLET/JESSICA.Now might I do’t. O vengeance!
(She runs out and immediately runs back in.)
HAMLET/JESSICA.The deed is done. I have slew him!
GHOST.Good boy.
HAMLET/JESSICA.Dad?
GHOST.Yes, my son.
HAMLET/JESSICA.(Dropping the dramatic:) Quick question. If death
is an undiscovered country where no traveler returns then what the
hell are you doing here?
GHOST. (Dropping the Otherworldly-ness:) You’re considering too
many variables. All you need to do now is forgive your mother and
make babies with Ophelia!
HAMLET/JESSICA.(Adjusting her crotch like a man:) I wilt!
(Wild applause from the BARTENDER, the BARFLY, and the
GHOST. JESSICA takes a bow. The BARFLY passes out. The
GHOST exits.)
[Power Point: A picture of a bar. The caption reads, “Shakes-
BEER (Literary Pub)—Happy Hour: all day.”]
JESSICA.Is that what you want? A foolish melodrama? (Improvising
with the audience:) Really is that what you want?
AUDIENCE.No!
BARTENDER.No but…
JESSICA. Melodrama brainwashes us into thinking that the world
is an uncomplicated place, made up of painfully obvious black-and-
white choices. Hamlet backtracks and sidetracks, but seldom takes
action. Why? Because life isn’t a melodrama! Who wouldn’t take
decisive action to save Lassie from the snowstorm? Who wouldn’t
attack the Death Star? It’s the Death Star for god sake! Real life is
more complicated than that!
BARTENDER. (Philosophical:) My god, you’re right! (With deep
brewski understanding:) This is why I’ve never moved from behind
this bar, why I’ve wasted decades of my life in a state of perpetual
hesitation. It’s why when I get home at night I mix my vodka with
whatever-happens-to-be-in-the-fridge rather than walking to the
Food Emporium to pick up a little tonic or orange juice. And it’s
44 William Missouri Downs

why you can’t make a decision about your career! Not because we’re
indecisive twits, but because we draw inspiration from the greatest
literary character ever written!
JESSICA.We are…
JESSICA / BARTENDER.Hamlet!
BARTENDER.Cheers!
(They down their drinks. Beat.)
JESSICA.Are you sure you don’t have an MFA?
BARTENDER.Positive.
(The BARFLY wakes up.)
BARFLY. But I do—! MFA in acting. University of Alabama! Roll
Tide—!17
(The BARFLY passes out. The PowerPoint fades. So does the bar.)
(JESSICA steps into a pool of light.)
JESSICA.(To audience:) Shakespeare wrote one thousand forty-eight
roles for men—a hundred and seventy-five for women. That’s a ratio
of seven to one. Is that fair? (Improvising with the audience:) No!
AUDIENCE.No!
JESSICA.(To audience:) Rosalind in As You Like It is the largest female
role with only six hundred and eighty-five lines. Hamlet the largest
male role with one thousand four hundred thirty-eight lines. But I
don’t want to give you the impression that I’m the type of actress who
counts lines—I’d never do that. (Beat.) That night I tried to memorize.
I now know that learning Shakespeare while intoxicated is not a
good idea. “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of
the king” became “The play’s where I’ll catch the king.” “The rest is
silence” became “The rest is science.” And worst of all, “Alas, poor
Yorick” became “Alas, poor…Yoda.” Then at two in the morning, still
trying to sober up, I turned on the television and found this…
(She clicks a TV channel changer.)
[Power Point: A picture of the Home Shopping Network logo.
The Caption reads, “Master Baker in a Box—Item #323!”]
(Glitzy music. Flashing theatrical lights. Applause.)
ANNOUNCER. (V.O.) Now we’re back with the queen bee of the
Home Shopping Network. Miss Darla Lee Day!

17
Feel free to replace this with a local university.
 Women Playing Hamlet 45

(HOME SHOPPING NETWORK HOSTESS enters.)

HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.(Bubbly—to audience:) Succulent.
That’s one succulent leg of lamb and to think Master-Baker-In-A-
Box cooked it using its patented Heat Plus Technology with only a
teaspoon of oil! But now I have a very special offer that just came in.
(A HOME SHOPPING NETWORK MODEL rolls out a display
of colorful handbags. She does a perfect The Price Is Right
imitation as she models the bags.)
HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.It’s the new Coach handbag line
based on famous literary works. We’re getting them at discount
because no one reads anymore.
(The MODEL models them.)
HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.Here we have the Sense and
Sensibility Satchel. The Heart of Darkness Duffel and my favorite…
The Hamlet Handbag!
(Mesmerized, JESSICA drops her script and sits up and watches.)
[Power Point: A picture of the Hamlet Handbag. The caption
reads, “Hamlet Handbag—Item #1603!”]
HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.Based on Shakespeare’s dark
prince, indecisive introvert, troubled tragedian! Rather bland on the
outside, true, but open him up and look what you get.
(The MODEL unzips—the handbag unfolds into a colorful
pentagon of compartments, cubicles, grommets, and rings.)
HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.Here within easy reach are tons of
pockets and spaces to organize all those antidepressants you must
be taking.
(The MODEL shows off several small pharmaceutical bottles.)
MODEL. (Bubbly—to audience:) St John’s wort for the bad days.
Monoamine oxidase inhibitors for the best days.
HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.And over here a bare bodkin port
in case you decide to stab yourself.
(The MODEL pulls out a prop knife from a port.)
HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.Oh, and get this, there’s also a pouch
for your Ghost Detector Pro, but big enough so you can fit the deluxe
model which detects paranormal activities at multiple frequencies.
MODEL.And it all comes together in an interlocking motif made
of durable polyester-like fabric so you can jump into Ophelia’s
grave without worrying about grass stains.
46 William Missouri Downs

HOME SHOPPING HOSTESS.Last but not least—because Hamlet

is a college student…the official logo of Wittenberg University.
(The final flap reveals the ostentatious Wittenberg University
logo, which contains the red and white flag of Denmark.)
(JESSICA grabs her iPhone and dials.)
JESSICA.(On phone:) Hello. Yes, I’d like to order item 1603! Overnight
it! Wait, let me get my credit card. And throw up.
(Hungover, JESSICA stumbles off. The HOSTESS and MODEL
roll the handbag cart off. The PowerPoint fades.)
(GWEN enters the empty theatre.)
GWEN. Are we ready? I’ll cue you. King Claudius says, (Reading
from a script:) “The harlot’s cheek, beautied with plastering art is not
more ugly to the thing that helps it than is my deed to my most
painted word. O heavy burden!” Then Polonius says, “I hear him
coming. Let’s withdraw, my lord.” Enter!
(JESSICA enters. She’s still got a bit of a hangover.)
JESSICA.“To be (Quickly:) or not to—”
GWEN.What are you doing?
JESSICA.I’ve decided to take the role.
GWEN.Where’s your understudy?
JESSICA.Locked her out of the building.
GWEN.You’re fully committed to Hamlet?
JESSICA.(Still doubting:) …Yeah.
GWEN.You’re sure.
JESSICA.(Not sure:) Totally.
GWEN.I shall give you one last chance. But only one. Tell me, where
is Hamlet emotionally at this moment in the play?
JESSICA.She’s…alone.
GWEN. Doesn’t she know that King Claudius and Polonius are
spying on her?
JESSICA.She does, but she’s still alone.
GWEN. Not just alone. She’s incommunicado with her soul. Have
you ever been incommunicado with your soul?
JESSICA.Like…lots.
GWEN.When?
 Women Playing Hamlet 47

JESSICA.I…I was stuck in an elevator at the Equity office once—

GWEN.Oh for god sakes—
JESSICA. For nearly fifteen minutes—there was this other actor
there but he didn’t say much.
GWEN.I’m talking alone—standing on the far edge of a virgin forest,
in the middle of winter at three in the morning with no tracks in the
snowflakes round you. Alone with your frozen breath. With only
your passions and thoughts and stillness to keep you company.
JESSICA.I’ve been alone.
GWEN.In that case you can make it snow.
JESSICA.…Excuse me?
GWEN.Make snow!
JESSICA.I don’t understand… Like, inside?
GWEN.Yes.
JESSICA. Let me get this straight. You want my performance to
change the atmospheric conditions within this theatre so that it
starts snowing.
GWEN. At this moment in the play Hamlet finds her authentic,
perishable “self.” She, like all women, is trapped in a life-long
masquerade where she is all things to all men, but never her “self”
except when she’s alone. When one reaches that rare moment of self-
realization the only thing that can happen is snow.
JESSICA. I don’t know how to tell you this, but the chance of that
happening is pretty small. (Improvising with the audience:) I’m right,
right? That’s not going to happen.
GWEN.I will give you one last try. I shall cue you. Make snow!
JESSICA.(Exasperated, under her breath:) Make snow. Right.
(Annoyed, JESSICA exits. GWEN takes her place in the audience.)
GWEN.“The harlot’s cheek, beautied with plastering art, blah-blah-
blah, O heavy burden!” “I hear him coming. Let’s withdraw, my
lord.”
(JESSICA enters with the Home Shopping Network Hamlet
Handbag on her shoulder.)
JESSICA.“To be—”
GWEN.What is that?
JESSICA.My Hamlet handbag.
48 William Missouri Downs

GWEN.You made that?

JESSICA. Yes. I think it shows my deep understanding of the
character.
GWEN.(Doubtful:) You constructed it?
JESSICA.Yes.
GWEN.With your very own hands?
JESSICA.(Losing confidence:) …Yeah.
GWEN.You didn’t pick it up from the discount bin at The Handbag
Factory Store on West 159th?
JESSICA.Me? No.
GWEN.That’s strange.
(GWEN grabs from under her seat the exact same handbag.)
GWEN.Because I did!
JESSICA.I can explain—
GWEN.I was correct about you. Lesson over.
JESSICA.Gwen, you can’t— You can’t leave!
GWEN.What do you want? To start over with level one?
JESSICA.No. I want the key!
GWEN.Key?
JESSICA. To playing Hamlet! It’s as if Shakespeare leaves Hamlet
still in the box, assembly required.
GWEN. Hamlet comes fully assembled from the very first line.
Shakespeare doesn’t assemble Hamlet.
JESSICA.Who does?
GWEN.The actor playing Hamlet assembles Hamlet!
JESSICA.With?
GWEN. Their own complete self! And thus we’re back to the first
question. Who are you and what do you have in common with
Hamlet?
(Frustrated, JESSICA sits.)
JESSICA.(To herself:) Why am I doing this?
(GWEN sits beside her.)
GWEN. (Tenderly:) It’s not you Jessica, it’s your age. I mean no
animosity, it’s just a simple statement of fact, you and your
 Women Playing Hamlet 49

hyperlinked friends will be the first generation in four hundred

years who will not get Hamlet. Because you travel light—light on
philosophy, light on self. And thus you will forgo the great roles and
the existential angst that comes with. Instead you will accept Prozac
over Plato, Nicorette over Nietzsche, tranquilizers over tragedy.
And thus you will never know snow.
(GWEN heads for the exit. Stops.)
GWEN.Did you know that Shakespeare invented the name “Jessica.”
It’s true. It’s one of the seventeen hundred words he invented. Just
pulled it out of his ass—that’s talent. Real talent.
(GWEN exits.)
JESSICA.Well I’m screwed.
(JESSICA improvises with the audience about how hopeless her
situation is. She might even ask their advice on what she should
do next. Then…)
(A voice comes from the wings.)
ROSY.Hello?
GILDA.Anyone there?
(ROSY and GILDA, two glamorous soap-opera stars, enter.
They’re bedecked in perfect wigs, fancy dresses, and dangling
diamonds.)
(ROSY is the younger one, she is dramatic and sexy. She pushes
a wheelchair in with GILDA the older one who is hard of hearing
and who has had a stroke.)
[Power Point: A picture of The Young and the Restless
soap-opera logo. The Caption reads, “Gilda and Rosy—Soap
Opera Stars—MFAs from the Keanu Reeves School of Acting!”]
ROSY.Jessica!
JESSICA.(Thrilled to see them again:) Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!
ROSY.No, I’m Rosy, she’s Gilda.
JESSICA.That’s what I meant—what are you doing here?
GILDA.We’ve come all the way from L.A. to save you.
ROSY.She means see you!
JESSICA.Me? You’re kidding.
ROSY.(Taken by the theatre:) Oh my goodness! This is where you’re
doing your little drama!
50 William Missouri Downs

GILDA.What’s it called, sweetheart?

JESSICA.Hamlet.
GILDA.(She’s hard of hearing) The Hobbit? Yes, I know it.
JESSICA.No. Hamlet!
ROSY.It doesn’t matter what it’s called. The important thing is that
you are standing up for your principles. For… For… What’s it called?
JESSICA.Art?
ROSY.For art!
GILDA.Can I give some advice?
JESSICA.Sure.
GILDA.You’re much too tall to play a hobbit.
JESSICA.No. Hamlet.
ROSY.Oh, I do love the smell of an empty stage. (Upbeat:) The dust,
the filth, the ruined lives— So inspiring!
JESSICA.What are you guys doing in New York?
ROSY. We were passing through on our way to England and
thought we’d stop by to let you know that you did the right thing by
not signing that contract. Do you realize what would’ve happened if
you had taken the part of Rachael Buttonhole’s evil twin?
(Beat. ROSY taps GILDA to pick up her cue.)
GILDA.Oh. Your life would be hell!
ROSY.Television acting is a fate worse than death! (To GILDA:) Did
you know that this morning my limo was late?
(ROSY taps GILDA to pick up her cue.)
GILDA.Again?
ROSY. I had to wait on the curb for nearly twenty minutes. (To
JESSICA:) You wouldn’t want to suffer through that would you?
JESSICA.Well, no, but…
ROSY. And just now, out front, we were mugged by autograph
seekers.
GILDA.I’m tired of being admired!
ROSY.You don’t want to be mugged by autograph seekers do you?
JESSICA.(Losing confidence:) I guess not.
 Women Playing Hamlet 51

ROSY. And to top it off tomorrow they’re forcing the entire cast of
The Young and the Restless to take a luxurious, all-expense-paid cruise
to England for a week of wining and dining. If you had signed that
contract you’d be suffering this fresh hell with us. Isn’t that right?
(Stroke victim GILDA misses her cue again, ROSY must tap her
to speak.)
ROSY.Right?
GILDA.At least one of us has come to our senses.
JESSICA.I’ve got a real chance here to play one of the greatest roles
in the history of the stage. A character that sets out against a sea of
troubles to—
GILDA.To defeat the evil trolls!
ROSY.Say no more! You’ve made up your mind. (To GILDA:) Come!
Let’s not trouble this fine thespian further. Our limo awaits.
(They start to leave.)
JESSICA.Wait! What am I doing? Until a few weeks ago I would’ve
been happy to live in Hollywood and spend the rest of my life
as a soap star. Maybe I’ve made a mistake. Now that I think of it.
Hamlet’s not that great. He’s nothing more than a melancholic little
twit whose delay causes seven unnecessary deaths.
ROSY.Seven? Wow. That’s more than The Young and the Restless kills
off in an entire season!
JESSICA. (Convincing herself:) We women should be insulted that
this dandy, this…this hysteric, this unbalanced introvert should be
handed down to us! We don’t want their leftovers!
ROSY.If you did want to change your mind.
(ROSY opens her Louis Vuitton handbag and takes out a contract.)
ROSY.I brought the contract!
(She pokes GILDA who has fallen asleep.)
GILDA.What?
(ROSY indicates that GILDA should pick up her prearranged cue.)
GILDA.Oh.
(GILDA opens her Louis Vuitton and takes out a pen.)
GILDA.And I brought a potato!
ROSY.A pen, you brought a pen.
GILDA.A pen.
52 William Missouri Downs

(JESSICA becomes suspicious.)

JESSICA.Ladies… Did you really come here to see me?
ROSY.We sure did, sweetie.
JESSICA.Be honest.
ROSY.We are being honest. Aren’t we? (Tapping GILDA:) Aren’t we?
GILDA.(Getting her lines mixed up:) I’m tired of being admired?
JESSICA.The producers of The Young and the Restless didn’t ask you
to stop by?
ROSY.(Totally lying:) Nooooo.
JESSICA.You’re playing me.
ROSY.(To GILDA:) The producers didn’t ask us to stop by did they?
GILDA.(Senile:) No. It was Gwen. Your acting coach.
(ROSY frantically waves GILDA off.)
JESSICA.What?
ROSY.What she means is—
JESSICA.Gwen called you?
ROSY.Well… Maybe…
GILDA.The Hobbit is just too hard. The Wood-elves and Lake-men
cannot be defeated unless you have the magic key, which you do not
have!
ROSY.Jessica, face it, you’re no Hamlet.
JESSICA.Get out!
ROSY.Don’t be mad at us. We have your best interest at heart.
GILDA.Do television.
ROSY.You won’t be happy.
GILDA.But you’ll pay off your student loans.
ROSY.(Philosophical:) A woman playing Hamlet is madness! In this
postmodern world it’s impossible to make anything of your narrow
fragile existence. All we can do is sell our “self” to the highest bidder
and abandon all hope.
JESSICA.If you won’t leave, I will.
(JESSICA exits.)
ROSY.Jessica… Well darn.
 Women Playing Hamlet 53

GILDA.We tried.
ROSY.What now?
GILDA.We’d better go; we’ll miss our Zeppelin!
ROSY.Boat. We’re taking a boat.
GILDA.Our boat!
ROSY.To England!
GILDA.Yes, to England!
(ROSY rolls GILDA off.)
[Power Point: A picture of a crappy New York apartment
building. The caption reads, “Gwen’s Apartment 164th and
Amsterdam.”]
(Hyper pissed, JESSICA raps on an apartment door. She pulls a
roller suitcase—on the handle is attached a colorful tassel of ribbons.
GWEN answers in a bathrobe.)
GWEN. (Verbal scene painting:) Welcome to my tiny apartment. It’s
only five hundred square feet but because of my innovative use of
space and color it feels much bigger—
JESSICA.(Fuming:) You never played Hamlet!
GWEN.What are we talking about—
JESSICA. I went to the Equity office—researched every part you’ve
ever played! They have no record of you playing Hamlet! But you
know what I did find? Fifteen years ago, The Young and the Restless.
And know what else!? A Cialis commercial! Who the hell are you to
lecture me on Hamlet when you’ve done soaps and hawked boner
pills?
GWEN.And the suitcase?
JESSICA.I’m leaving New York.
GWEN.I’ll get you a refund.
JESSICA. No. You need it. I don’t live in a crappy rent-controlled
apartment, begging my agent for loans and comp tickets. Yes, I
asked around, I found out about you!
GWEN.Now you’re just being obnoxious.
JESSICA. You called your friends at The Young and the Restless and
had them plot against me!
GWEN.So what if I did? You paid for a service and I delivered.
JESSICA.Delivered? What? Insults and emotional abuse?
54 William Missouri Downs

GWEN. You didn’t come to me because you wanted instruction on

how to play Hamlet!
JESSICA.I didn’t?
GWEN.No. You came to me because you wanted to be talked out of
playing Hamlet!
JESSICA.Did not!
GWEN.Than why did you ask for level two?
JESSICA.(Beat.) …What?
GWEN.At level one I build up your self-confidence, I convince you
that you are the perfect person to play the part. At level two I tell
you the truth.
JESSICA.Which is?
GWEN. No one is ever ready to play Hamlet. Not Burton, not
Bernhardt, not you. Admit it. You wanted me to give you permission
to let this extraordinary, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip from
your fingers.
JESSICA.Why would I do that?
GWEN.Because in order to play Hamlet you must bring your “self”
to the role. Up till now you’ve simply accepted the roles in which life
cast you. That’s the truth, isn’t it? Isnt’ it?!
(Beat. A tear of realization comes to JESSICA.)
JESSICA. (Calm at first but becoming frustrated:) And I change
roles on a dime. At work I play the role of an employee, when I’m
with my niece I play an aunt, in bed I play the lover, or if cast,
the virgin or the harlot. On my way over here, just now, I ran into
Quentin Tarantino coming out of the Carlyle Hotel. He offered
me a job playing a ninja in his next film. And guess what I did—I
instantaneously switched roles and played the thrilled starlet and
flirted with him. (Losing it, tears:) Who in their right mind flirts
with Quentin Tarantino?! And I’m smoking while using Nicorette,
which could kill me! And Patrick Stewart is stalking me! (Beat.)
And I didn’t want you to talk me out of Hamlet. I already did that
myself. I wanted you to answer a question that’s plagued me all
my life.
GWEN.Ask.
JESSICA.Who am I?
GWEN.You are the roles you play.
 Women Playing Hamlet 55

JESSICA.In that case I am just a twenty-nine-year-old girl from St.

Paul with an MFA in acting from Minnesota State, dontcha know—
Wait. I just said, dontcha know. Oh heck. My accent, it’s back. Oh
crap, I just said “Oh heck”!
(JESSICA stumbles out with her suitcase. Concerned GWEN
yells after.)
GWEN.Jessica? Jessica!
(GWEN regrets. The lights fade.)
(Far off, a ghostly distant church bell tolls.)
[Power Point: A picture of an eerie graveyard. The caption
reads, “A graveyard near the Port Authority Bus Terminal.”]
(Fog. Darkness. A male GRAVEDIGGER enters with a shovel
and bucket.)
GRAVEDIGGER.(Singing—Cockney accent:)
WHAT WE ALL GOT IN COMMON, IS WE’RE ALL MADE
OF MEAT.
AND WE ALL END UP THE SAME, WHEN WE’RE BURIED
SIX FEET DEEP.
THERE BE LITTLE DIFFERENCE, WHEN IT COMES TO YOU
AND ME.
WE’RE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME, EXCEPT IN HOW WE
PEE.
OPHELIA SHE BE DROWNED, AND GERTRUDE DRANK
SOME POISON,
’CAUSE THEY BOTH FOUND OUT WAY-TOO-LATE, THAT
THEIR BOY WEARS AN APRON.
(He drops his load, and wipes his nose on his sleeve.)
GRAVEDIGGER.(Verbal Scene Painting:) Ah. Here I be on this dark
night and in a graveyard no less. The dim stars are but faint candles
while the inky blackness would scare off the best of men, but not
me, for I am not the best of men.
(He begins to dig, but stops.)
GRAVEDIGGER. (Distracted:) Wait, who goes there? Unfold
yourself.18
(JESSICA, still with her suitcase, steps from the darkness.)
JESSICA. Hi. I’m Jessica. I’m trying to find the Newark airport
shuttle… What are you doing?

18
Hamlet (1.1).
56 William Missouri Downs

GRAVEDIGGER.What does it look like I be doin’? I be diggin’ a grave.

JESSICA.A grave?
GRAVEDIGGER.You’ve wandered into a graveyard.
JESSICA.You’re kidding.
GRAVEDIGGER.And you know why I be diggin’ this grave?
JESSICA.’Cause someone died?
GRAVEDIGGER. ’Cause I be stark grave-ing mad. Get it? Stark
grave-ing. It be a pun.
JESSICA.This is like your job? You dig graves… Like for a living?
GRAVEDIGGER. Graves don’t dig themselves. What you be doing
here so late at night?
JESSICA.Guess I lost my way. The Port Authority bus terminal is—
(The GRAVEDIGGER pops a human skull from the ground. It
wears lipstick and eyelashes.)
JESSICA.Oh my god! You didn’t just do that! You dug up a human
skull!
GRAVEDIGGER.Happens all the time.
JESSICA.That’s so gross!
GRAVEDIGGER.Know why this skull be here?
JESSICA.No.
GRAVEDIGGER.’Cause of its cemetery lifestyle. Get it? Sedentary/
cemetery. Get it?
JESSICA.Yeah, got it.
GRAVEDIGGER. When you bury a cat you don’t dig a grave, you
dig a cat-a-comb! Get it?
(The GRAVEDIGGER cackles at his joke.)
JESSICA.That’s really annoying. (Improvising with the audience:) I’m
right, right?
GRAVEDIGGER. Did you know that there be over twenty puns in
Shakespeare’s Hamlet?
JESSICA.And most of them terrible.
(The GRAVEDIGGER picks up the skull.)
GRAVEDIGGER.You know who this be?
JESSICA.No.
 Women Playing Hamlet 57

GRAVEDIGGER.This here be Sarah Bernhardt.

JESSICA. Wait. Not the Sarah Bernhardt—the great French actress?
The first woman to play Hamlet on film in 1900?
GRAVEDIGGER.She said Hamlet is the brain ceaselessly warring
against the reality of things. That’s why it be best played by an
intellectual woman.19
(The GRAVEDIGGER digs up another lipsticked skull.)
JESSICA.I can’t believe you did that again!
GRAVEDIGGER. And here be the skull of Nance O’Neil who
played Hamlet in 1924. She played to all the lonely women who
endure worn-out traditions, and discover oft too late that it be better
to live as an outlaw than be a slave.20
(The GRAVEDIGGER digs up another lipsticked skull.)
GRAVEDIGGER. And here be the skull of Anna Dickinson who
championed racial equality and played Hamlet in 1882.
JESSICA.Sorry to interrupt but I find it hard to believe that all these
great actresses are buried in the same—
GRAVEDIGGER. That’s right, they all be in the same grave.
Dig deeper and you’ll find the first open lesbian to play Hamlet,
Charlotte Cushman who played the dark prince in 1861, and deeper
still and you’ll find Fanny Furnival the first woman to play Hamlet
in 1741. They all be here.
JESSICA.I take it this be a dream sequence?
GRAVEDIGGER. Distraught over your failures you wandered
the streets of New York for hours. Then you lit a cigarette, but you
forgot that you’d already had four sticks of Nicorette in an hour. You
received a fatal overdose of nicotine.
JESSICA.Fatal?
GRAVEDIGGER.Okay, made that part up. Just joking
JESSICA.That’s nothing to joke about!
GRAVEDIGGER. Hey now, there’s no need to lose your de-
composure! Get it?
JESSICA.Stop it. Just stop!
GRAVEDIGGER.Oh, look at the time, I must be goin’.

19
Paraphrasing Sarah Bernhardt.
20
Paraphrasing Nance O’Neil.
58 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA.It’s like the middle of the night, where do you have to be?
GRAVEDIGGER.Night school—
JESSICA.Don’t say it!
GRAVEDIGGER.I’m workin’ towards my MFA! Masters Of Fardel
Arts. Get it? I’m not an artist. I be a fart-ist!
(The GRAVEDIGGER makes a farting sound and starts to exit.)
GRAVEDIGGER. Oh, and by the way, you’re too young to play
Hamlet.
(He exits cackling.)
(JESSICA sits with the skulls of the great actresses before her and
plays with the colored ribbon on her suitcase.)
JESSICA. (To audience:) We are but passengers at a baggage claim;
desperate to spot that bit of colored ribbon that separates us from
the crowd. And as the look-alike luggage turns round and round we
can only hope that this insubstantial pageant on a minor globe near
a short-lived sun has a kind author and a noble end. And that we,
before we shuffle off this mortal coil, we’ll spy that bit of ribbon that
tells us we’ve found our “self.”
(She holds up the skull of Sarah Bernhardt, a la Hamlet.)
JESSICA. (Philosophical:) Dear Sarah. Why Hamlet? Why cast
yourself in a role that would for sure bring condemnation from the
critics—
(She stops, her eyes clear.)
Ah, there it is! (Here is the realization:) You cast yourself. Most of us
accept the roles which we are given. But you cast yourself, and
thus created your “self.” (Beat.) Who are we, if we do not boldly and
deliberately choose our roles?
(The lights fade to…)
[Power Point: A picture of Jessica’s niece with the caption,
“Emily Ostergaard—Loves ice fishing, the Minnesota Twins,
darts, duck hunting, pulled pork, and Grand Theft Auto.”]
(EMILY OSTERGAARD enters.)
EMILY OSTERGAARD.(To audience:) Hi. Me again. Emily Oster-
gaard. Danish fondue. Did you hear? Really really sad news. The
boat carrying the cast of The Young and the Restless was attacked by
pirates and lost at sea. That’s right, Rosy and Gilda are dead. (Beat.)
Oh, and did you hear, Patrick Stewart and I have become good buds.
He often texts when he has problems with his smartphone.
 Women Playing Hamlet 59

[Power Point: A picture of Sir Patrick Stewart with the

caption as a text message; it reads, “Dear Emily, I’m having I.T.
problems. Now & then my texts are delayed by as much as 20
minutes. Suggestions? ☺ Sir Stew-Dog ☺”]
EMILY OSTERGAARD.(Texting:) “Dear Stew-Dog. I’d be happy to
help, but you’ve got to do me a favor. Tonight my aunt is opening as
Hamlet. A break-a-leg text from you would be awfully nice. XOXO”
(She hits send.)
A few months later Stew-Dog got me tickets to see another production
of Hamlet he was in. I didn’t get it all, not even most of it, but I’m glad
I went. He met me at the stage door after. He said, “Hamlet is a great
play because it speaks to you in different ways at different points in
your life.” I told him that at this point in my life, because of Hamlet,
I look at things differently. We have a choice, dontcha know, tonight
are you going to graze in an unweeded garden or are you going to
dine with Shakespeare? In short, isn’t it time that you and I turn off
the television and seek better company? (Proud of herself:) He thought
that was pretty darn cool comin’ from a fourteen-year-old. “Doubt
thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to
be a liar; But never doubt I love”21 you Patrick Stewart.
(With a shit-eating grin, she runs off.)
[Power Point: A picture of a Theatre-Row black box in New
York City. The caption, “Tonight! Shakespeare’s Hamlet—
Running time 4 hours—Please be advised: Tonight’s performance
has no intermission.”]
(The sounds of an audience entering the theatre. We are backstage
before the show.)
(JESSICA enters buttoning up her Hamlet “inky cloak” costume.)
JESSICA. (Warming up:) The Hamstrung Hamlet Hung His Hat in
the Hall.
(The STAGE MANAGER enters wearing headsets.)
STAGE MANAGER.Thirty minutes! House open!
JESSICA.Thank you.
(The STAGE MANAGER exits.)
(GWEN enters. JESSICA sees her. A beat.)
GWEN.I did in fact play Hamlet once.

21
Hamlet (2.2).
60 William Missouri Downs

(JESSICA is open to her story.)

GWEN.I was your age. It was the first production ever staged at the
Great Moose-Neck Shakespeare in the Park Theatre in Great Moose-
Neck, Montana. They staged Shakespeare the way Shakespeare
intended: outdoors and no intermission.
[Power Point: A picture of Gwen playing Hamlet when she
was a young woman. The caption reads, “Gwen Dorway—aged
29.”]
GWEN.Horatio had just said, “Good night, sweet prince, and flights
of angels sing thee to thy rest”22 when there was this disturbance in
the audience. I cracked an eye. The audience was pointing up. There
above the stage was…a gigantic flock of twenty thousand starlings.
[Power Point: A picture of a starling. The caption reads,
“Starling—Scientific Name: Sturnus Vulgaris.”]
GWEN. Just as they passed over, the stage manager played the
cue for the loud trumpets announcing Fortinbras’s entrance at the
end of the play. (Beat.) Did you know starlings can be spooked by
trumpets? And that when one starling shats the rest are highly
open to suggestion? We were bombarded by so much bird poop that
hazmat crews had to be called.
[Power Point: A picture of a starling and tons of bird
droppings. The caption reads, “Contained in starling droppings:
E. Coli, Salmonella, Cryptococcosis & Paratuberculosis.”]
GWEN. The audience’s dry cleaning bills bankrupted the theatre
and it never reopened.
(Beat. JESSICA smiles.)
GWEN.Who is Hamlet?
JESSICA. Hamlet is a woman. Because she, unlike most men, has
fewer absolutes.
GWEN.And if taken too far…?
JESSICA.We lose the name of action.
GWEN. It’s Hamlet’s feminine side, which he himself condemns,
that makes her so enduring. And who are you?
JESSICA.Jessica.
GWEN.Do you have friends?
JESSICA.Had one, now I got two.

22
Hamlet (5.2).
 Women Playing Hamlet 61

GWEN.Are you violent?

JESSICA.Rarely.
GWEN.Regretful?
JESSICA.Sometimes.
GWEN.Funny?
JESSICA.Knock-knock.
GWEN.Who’s there?
JESSICA.…A woman choosing her roles boldly.
(They hug—a gentle moment.)
GWEN.Break a leg, sweetie.
(GWEN heads for the stage door.)
JESSICA.Gwen… I just want you to know I read that your Hamlet
was really good. Someone even wrote you were as good as Sarah
Bernhardt.
GWEN.And where did you read this?
JESSICA.…Wikipedia.
GWEN.Then it must be true!
(With a dramatic flick of her scarf, GWEN exits.)
(A bright ting-a-ling from JESSICA’s iPhone. It’s a text. She
reads.)
[Power Point: A picture of Sir Patrick Stewart with the
caption as a text message; it reads, “Dear Jessica, I hear you are
opening in Hamlet tonight. Break a leg! ☺ -Patrick Stewart”]
JESSICA.(Dumbfounded:) Holy…crap.
(Offstage we hear male actor’s voices.)
KING CLAUDIUS.(Offstage:) “The harlot’s cheek, beautied with
plastering art is not more ugly to the thing that helps it than is my
deed to my most painted word.”
(The PowerPoint fades and the lights trim down to only a pool of
illumination.)
KING CLAUDIUS.(Offstage:) “O heavy burden!”
POLONIUS. (Offstage. Muffled male voice:) “I hear her coming; let’s
withdraw, my lord.”
(JESSICA steps into the pool of light. She takes a dramatic pause.)
62 William Missouri Downs

JESSICA.(Artfully:) To be, or not to be—that is the question:

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep—
No more—and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. ’Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep—
To sleep—perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th’ unworthy takes,
When she herself might her quietus make23
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.
(It begins to softly snow—not over the entire stage, just over
JESSICA. She looks up at the falling flakes and beams through a
gentle tear.)
(The lights fade.)
(The curtain call should have all the ladies—no matter how many
you cast—in full Hamlet “inky cloak” attire with rapiers.)
(GWEN’s inky cloak should be covered with bird shit.)
End of Play

23
Note this important line change.
 Also available at Playscripts, Inc.
25 Questions for a
Jewish Mother
by Kate Moira Ryan
and Judy Gold
Memoir/Comedy
60–70 minutes
4 females (1-21 possible)
CAROL ROSEGG

Part memoir and part stand-up routine, this

hilarious and affecting play breaks down just
what makes Jewish mothers so lamentable,
laughable, and lovable. Comedienne Judy
Gold and playwright Kate Moira Ryan seamlessly weave actual interviews
with Jewish mothers across the United States together with memories
from Gold’s childhood and her own experiences as a Jewish mother in
order to create a performance piece that explores it all: from rugelach to
rabbis, matzoh to marriage, Ann Landers to Anne Frank, and guilt to G-D.

Consider the
Oyster
by David MacGregor
AURORA FOX THEATRE

Comedy, 100-110 minutes

3 females, 2 males (4-5 actors
possible)

When Gene breaks his leg

after proposing to girlfriend Marisa, he begins to feel some odd changes.
It turns out the oyster shell that the doctor left in his leg to assist with his
healing is causing him to slowly transition into a female—just the way an
oyster does. Can Gene learn to live his life as a different gender, and will
he—or she—be able to feel the same for his fiancee? Consider the Oyster
is a funny and surprising exploration of gender and our changeable
human nature.

Order online at: www.playscripts.com

 Also available at Playscripts, Inc.
Women

PHOTO: DARYL DALEY

by Chiara Atik
Comedy
60-70 minutes
5 female, 4 male
(8-11 actors possible:
exactly 5 f, 3-6 m)

Jo March really thinks she could

be the voice of her generation, or at least, a voice of a generation. But
being a “little woman” in 1800s New England is just so hard, you know?
Showing the world of the beloved March sisters through the lens of HBO’s
hit series Girls, Women is a hilarious, fast-paced contemporary spin on a
timeless classic.

Knickers!
A “Brief” Comedy
by Sarah Quick
EDWIN LOCKWOOD

Comedy
95-105 minutes
4 females (4-16 actors possible)

The paper mill that long propped

up the economy of Elliston Falls has been shut down, sending the town
spiraling into an economic depression. When a chipper but overwhelmed
tourism officer arrives to lend a hand, she discovers an unlikely business
partnership in the three brassy friends that make up the local chapter of
Weight Watchers. Could the ladies’ plan for a custom underwear business
(complete with giant knickers as a roadside attraction) really be the town’s
salvation? This hilariously irreverent comedy celebrates determination,
entrepreneurial spirit, and the willingness to bare it all.

Order online at: www.playscripts.com