*** w93 8/15 pp.

6-7 How to Strengthen Marriage Bonds ***

Talk Things Out
In many marriages, a lack of communication, the tendency to blame others, and selfish attitudes make it difficult for husband and
wife to understand each other’s emotions. “Preconditioned on the sharing of feelings, intimacy requires consummate trust. And
today trust is in short supply,” says researcher Caryl S. Avery. An accumulation of shared innermost feelings builds up such trust.
This requires heart-to-heart communication between husband and wife.
Proverbs uses an illustration to encourage the sharing of intimate thoughts, saying: “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep
waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” (Proverbs 20:5) Marriage mates must be discerning and draw up the
thoughts deep down in their spouses’ hearts. Imagine that your mate is upset. Instead of responding: “I’ve had a hard day myself,”
why not kindly ask: “Did you have a hard day? What happened?” It may take time and effort to listen to your spouse, but it is usually
more pleasant, satisfying, and timesaving to spend time that way than it is to ignore your mate and have to deal with charged
emotions that erupt later.
To gain trust, each must be honest and try to express feelings in a way that the other mate can understand. “Speak truth,” urges
God’s Word, “because we are members belonging to one another.” (Ephesians 4:25) Speaking truth requires discernment. Suppose
a wife feels that she is not being heard. Before she speaks, she should consider the proverb: “Anyone holding back his sayings is
possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit.” (Proverbs 17:27) Rather than accuse her husband, “You never
listen to me!” it would be far better calmly to express her feelings before frustration and disappointment build up within her. Perhaps
she could reveal how she feels by saying something like, “I know you are busy, but having a little more time with you would make
me very happy.”
Really, “there is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk.” (Proverbs 15:22) Your mate loves you, but that does
not mean that she can read your mind. You must let your mate know how you feel in a tactful way. This will help you, as a Christian
married couple, to make loving adjustments in order “to observe the oneness of the spirit in the uniting bond of peace.”—Ephesians
4:2, 3.
Take Kazuo, for example, who was a henpecked husband with an itch for gambling. He found himself bogged down with debts
amounting to several hundred thousand dollars. Borrowing money to pay off his debts, he sank deeper into the mire. Then he
started to study the Bible and finally mustered up the courage to tell his wife about his problems. He was prepared to face her
accusations. However, he was taken by surprise when his wife, who had been studying the Bible longer, calmly answered: “Let’s try
to figure out how we can pay off the debts.”
Starting the following day, they visited their creditors and began to pay their debts, even selling their house. It took almost a year
to settle the debts. What changed Kimie, his wife? She says: “The words found at Philippians chapter 4, verses 6 and 7, are indeed
true. ‘Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be
made known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of
Christ Jesus.’” She added: “A friend of mine, surprised at seeing how cheerful I was despite hardships, started studying the Bible
with me.” Kazuo and his wife have since been baptized and are now enjoying a happy family life.
In addition to trusting each other by telling the truth, the husbands and wives who had the above experiences did something that
helps couples to solve their marital problems. They communicated with the Originator of the marriage arrangement, Jehovah God.
Despite pressures and difficulties that couples face, he will bless them with the peace of God that excels all thought if they do their
best to apply his principles and leave the rest in his hand. Praying together is especially helpful. The husband should take the lead
and ‘pour out his heart’ before God, seeking his guidance and direction on any problem that he and his wife are facing. (Psalm 62:8)
Jehovah God will definitely hear such prayers.

*** w91 9/1 pp. 20-22 Communicating Within the Family and in the Congregation ***
Looking, Talking, and Listening
4
There are different forms of communication within the family. Some are nonverbal. When two people just look at each other, it
is a form of communication. Being together can communicate a sense of caring. Mates should avoid being away from each other for
extended periods of time unless there is an unavoidable reason. A married couple can foster happiness in each other by enjoyment
of the close association they have within the marriage bond. By the affectionate and yet respectful way they behave toward each
other, whether in public or in private, showing proper dignity in dress and manners, they can silently communicate deep
appreciation of each other. Wise King Solomon expressed it in these words: “Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice
with the wife of your youth.”—Proverbs 5:18.
5
Communication also calls for conversation, dialogue—talking with each other, not at each other. While some women are better
than men at expressing their feelings, that is no excuse for husbands to be silent partners. Christian husbands should be aware that
lack of communication is a major problem in many marriages, and so they should work hard at keeping open the lines of
communication. Indeed, they will do this if they, together with their wives, heed the fine counsel the apostle Paul gives at Ephesians
5:25-33. For a husband to love his wife as his own body, he must be concerned with her well-being and happiness, not just his own.
To that end, communication is indispensable.
6
A husband should not take the attitude that his wife should surmise or guess that he appreciates her. She needs to be assured
of his love for her. He can show his appreciation in many ways—by expressions of endearment and unexpected gifts, as well as by
keeping her fully informed as to matters that might affect her. There is also the challenge of expressing appreciation for his wife’s
efforts, be it in her personal adornment, in her hard work in behalf of the family, or in her wholehearted support of spiritual activities.
In addition, for a husband to heed the counsel of the apostle Peter at 1 Peter 3:7, to ‘dwell with his wife according to knowledge,’ he
must have empathy, which is shown by communicating with her in all matters of mutual concern, bestowing honor upon her as the
weaker vessel.—Proverbs 31:28, 29.
7
Likewise, for a wife to heed the counsel regarding subjection at Ephesians 5:22-24, she needs to be concerned with keeping
open the lines of communication with her husband. She needs to accord her husband “deep respect,” both by her speech and by
her conduct. Never should she act independently or ignore his wishes. (Ephesians 5:33) At all times, there should be confidential
talk between her and her husband.—Compare Proverbs 15:22.
8
Further, a wife should guard against suffering in silence as a display of self-pity. If there is a misunderstanding, let her seek the
right time to bring up the matter. Yes, take a lesson from Queen Esther. She had a life-and-death matter to bring to her husband’s
attention. Her acting promptly with wisdom and tact meant salvation for the Jews. We owe it both to our mates and to ourselves to
communicate if we have been or are being hurt. Tact and a godly sense of humor can help make communication easier.—Esther
4:15–5:8.
9
Implicit in using speech to keep open the lines of communication is the obligation of each to listen to what the other has to say
—and to make the effort to notice what has been left unsaid. That requires paying attention to the one speaking. Not only does one
need to perceive the thought content but one also needs to pay attention to the emotional content, the way something is said. Often
a husband comes short along this line. Wives may suffer because husbands fail to listen. And wives on their part need to listen
carefully so that they avoid jumping to conclusions. “A wise person will listen and take in more instruction.”—Proverbs 1:5.

*** g 7/08 pp. 6-9 How to Build a Successful Marriage ***

How to Build a Successful Marriage

MARRIAGE can be likened to a journey, an odyssey that presents many surprises—some exquisite, others painful. Unforeseen
“terrain” can present unexpected obstacles, some of which may seem insurmountable. Nevertheless, many people make this
journey successfully and happily, with only minor mishaps. Indeed, success in marriage is not measured so much by the highs and
lows of the journey as it is by how couples deal with those ups and downs.
What do you think can make the journey through marriage more successful and enjoyable? Many couples feel the need for a
‘marital road map’ to direct them along the way. The most dependable and authoritative “map” for marriage is provided by the
Originator of marriage—Jehovah God. His inspired Word, the Holy Bible, though, is not a magic charm. Rather, it contains practical
direction that married couples need to follow to enjoy a successful marriage.—Psalm 119:105; Ephesians 5:21-33; 2 Timothy 3:16.
Let us identify some of the Scriptural signposts—key Bible principles—that can help guide you along a successful and happy
marital journey.
► Treat marriage as sacred. “What God has yoked together let no man put apart.” (Matthew 19:6) The Creator instituted the
marriage arrangement when he introduced the first man, Adam, to his wife, Eve. (Genesis 2:21-24) Christ Jesus, who had been an
eyewitness to this event during his prehuman existence, confirmed that Adam and Eve’s marital union was intended to be the start
of a lasting relationship. He said: “Did you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female and
said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? So that they
are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.”—Matthew 19:4-6.
In saying “what God has yoked together,” Jesus was not suggesting that marriages are made in heaven. Rather, he was
confirming that the marriage relationship was instituted by God himself and was therefore to be treated as sacred.
Of course, husbands and wives would not want to be “yoked together” in a cold, loveless coexistence. Rather, they want to enjoy
a contented marriage in which both can thrive. They can be happily “yoked together” if they apply the Creator’s practical advice
found in the Bible.
Because all of us are imperfect, misunderstandings and differences are inevitable. Often, however, a successful marriage
depends less on compatibility than on how couples deal with incompatibility. Therefore, one of the most essential skills in marriage
is the ability to resolve disagreements in a loving way, for love “binds everything together in perfect harmony.”—Colossians 3:14,
English Standard Version.
► Speak respectfully. “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones
is a healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) Researchers have found that most conversations end the way they start. Hence, if a conversation
starts respectfully, it is more likely to end that way. Conversely, you know how hurtful it can be when a loved one speaks
thoughtlessly to you. Therefore, make a prayerful effort yourself to speak with dignity, respect, and affection. (Ephesians 4:31)
“Even though we see each other’s weaknesses,” explains a Japanese wife named Haruko, married for 44 years, “we try to respect
each other in word and attitude. That has helped us build a successful marriage.”
► Cultivate kindness and compassion. “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate.” (Ephesians 4:32) When there
are strong disagreements, it is easy for anger to beget anger. In Germany, Annette, married happily for 34 years, admits: “It is not
easy to keep calm under stress—you tend to say things that upset your partner, which only makes things worse.” By striving to be
kind and compassionate, however, you can do much to help smooth the road to a peaceful marriage.
► Show humility. “[Do] nothing out of contentiousness or out of egotism, but with lowliness of mind considering that the others are
superior.” (Philippians 2:3) Many conflicts arise because marriage mates pridefully try to blame their partners for problems instead
of humbly seeking ways to make things better for each other. Lowliness of mind, or humility, can help you suppress the urge to
insist on being right in a disagreement.
► Do not hastily take offense. “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Try to avoid the
inclination to refute your mate’s viewpoint or to leap to your own defense if your mate questions something you have said or done.
Instead, listen to and acknowledge your mate’s expressions. Think carefully before making a reply. Many couples learn too late in
life that winning a heart is a greater victory than winning an argument.
► Know when to keep quiet. “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Good communication
is without a doubt one of the most important signposts on the road to marital happiness. Why, then, does the Bible say that there is
“a time to keep quiet”? (Ecclesiastes 3:7) This can be a time to do active, purposeful listening—a vital part of communication that
involves finding out what your marriage mate really feels and why he or she feels that way.
► Listen with empathy. “Rejoice with people who rejoice; weep with people who weep.” (Romans 12:15) Empathy is
indispensable to purposeful communication because it enables you to feel your spouse’s deepest emotions. It can help create an
atmosphere in which each one’s opinions and feelings are treated with respect and dignity. “When we talk about our problems,”
confides Nella in Brazil, married for 32 years, “I always listen very carefully so I can understand Manuel’s thoughts and feelings.”
When your spouse is speaking, it is your “time to keep quiet” and to listen with empathy.
► Make a habit of expressing appreciation. “Show yourselves thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) Strong marriages are characterized
by husbands and wives who make sure their spouse feels appreciated. However, in the day-to-day routine of married life, some
marriage mates neglect this vital aspect of communication and merely assume that their spouse feels valued. “Most couples,” states
Dr. Ellen Wachtel, “could give each other that feeling of appreciation if they simply thought to do so.”
Wives in particular need their husband’s loving reassurance and expressions of appreciation. You husbands can do much to
improve the health of your marriage and the well-being of your wife, as well as yourself, by making a point of commenting
appreciatively on your wife’s positive actions and qualities.
Both verbal and nonverbal reassurances are essential. When you husbands give your wife a gentle kiss, a kind touch, and a
warm smile, it says more than just “I love you.” It reassures her that she is special to you and that you need her. Give her a phone
call or an electronic message and tell her, “I’m missing you” or “How is your day going?” If since your courting days, you have
begun to neglect making such expressions, it is a practice well worth reviving. Continue to learn what touches your spouse’s heart.
The words of the mother of King Lemuel of ancient Israel are so appropriate: “Her husband praises her, ‘Many women have
done well, but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:1, 28, 29, Tanakh—The Holy Scriptures) When was the last time you praised
your wife? Or, wife, you your husband?
► Be quick to forgive. “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) In marriage you cannot escape your
own faults or those of your spouse. Consequently, the willingness to forgive is essential. Clive and Monica, in South Africa, married
43 years ago, have found this Biblical advice very helpful. “We try to put into practice the principle found at Ephesians 4:26,”
explains Clive, “and we try to be quick to forgive each other, knowing that it pleases God. Then we feel good about the situation, go
to bed with a clean conscience, and sleep well.”
An ancient proverb wisely observes: “It is beauty . . . to pass over transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11) Annette, mentioned
previously, agrees, adding: “A good marriage is impossible without forgiveness.” She explains why: “Otherwise resentment and
mistrust grow, and that is poison for a marriage. Through forgiveness, the bonds of your marriage are strengthened and you grow
closer together.”
If you have hurt your spouse’s feelings, do not simply conclude that he or she will just get over it. Making peace often requires
that you do one of the more difficult things marriage mates need to do: Admit that you have made a mistake. Nevertheless, find a
way humbly to say something like this: “I’m sorry, Dear. I made a mistake.” A humble apology will win you respect, help build a
trusting relationship, and enhance your own peace of mind.
► Stay committed to your mate and to your marriage. “They [the husband and wife] are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore,
what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” (Matthew 19:6) You have solemnly vowed before God and man and to each
other to remain together, despite problems that might arise. Commitment, however, is not simply a legalistic obligation. Rather, it is
motivated by sincere, heartfelt love and is a reflection of respect and honor for each other and for God. So never undermine your
sacred marital relationship by flirting; have eyes only for your mate.—Matthew 5:28.
► Self-sacrifice reinforces commitment. “[Keep] an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal
interest upon those of the others.” (Philippians 2:4) Putting your marriage mate’s needs and preferences ahead of your own is one
of the ways to strengthen commitment. Premji, married for 20 years, makes a point of helping his wife, who is employed full-time,
with the housework. “I help Rita with cooking and cleaning and other work so that she has time and energy to do the things she
enjoys.”
Effort Brings Rewards
At times, the hard work involved in building a happy marriage may cause some to be tempted to give up. However, do not let
upsets make you abandon your commitment or forfeit everything that you have already invested in your marriage, the distance you
have already covered in your journey together. “If you put forth sincere effort and show that you want your marriage to succeed,
you can enjoy Jehovah’s blessing,” suggests Sid, whose marriage has flourished for 33 years. Your loyal support of each other
through the difficult times and your mutual enjoyment of the good times will sustain you on a satisfying journey through a successful
marriage.