THE FIRST BOOK

THAT TELLS
THE TRUTH ABOUT
MEN, SEX
AND PLEASURE.

<vT5*eKs

BERNIE ZILBERGELD, PH.D.

"The most humane,
sympathetic, commonsensical
book on the subject."
-WASHINGTON POST BOOK WORLD
 "MEN HAVE BEEN
DUPED ABOUT SEX."
—Bernie Zilbergeld

TfflS BOOK SHOWS

HOW, WHY AND WHAT
CAN BE DONE ABOUT IT.
Male Sexuality is a new book by an
outstanding clinical psychologist who has
specialized for years in sex therapy for men,

Male Sexuality deals with the physical

and emotional aspects of sex for men;
its aim, the enhancement of male sexuality

and the discarding of unrealistic and

unworkable sexual attitudes and stereotypes.

Male Sexuality: "If I could have only

one book on male sexuality, I'd want this
one, and not just because there aren't
many in the field. It's the best."

—Ford Lewis, Sacramento Bee

A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
BERNIEZILBERGELD, Ph.D.
With the assistance of John Ullman

*•» »o»*
 This low-priced Bantam Book
has been completely reset in a type face
designed for easy reading, and was printed
from new plates. It contains the complete
text of the original hard-cover edition.
NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED.

&
MALE SEXUALITY!
A GUIDE TO SEXUAL FULFILLMENT
A Bantam Book f published by arrangement with
Little, Brown and Company
PRINTING HISTORY
Little, Brown edition published January 1978
2nd printing January 1978 3rd printing .... February 1978
Selection of Playboy Book Club May 1978
Bantam edition /December 1978
2nd prinitng February 1980

All rights reserved.

Copyright © 1978 by Bernie Zilbergeld.
The excerpt from The Betsy by Harold Robbins is reprinted by
permission of Simon & Schuster, a Division of Gulf & Western
Corporation. Copyright © 1971 by Harold Robbins.
The author is grateful to Little, Brown and Company for
permission to reprint the illustrations which appear on pages
283 and 285 from Human Sexual Inadequacy by William H.
Masters and Virginia E. Johnson Copyright © 1970 by Little,
Brown and Company (Inc.) and the diagram, modified with
permission from the authors, which appears on page 121 from
Human Sexual Response by William H. Masters and Virginia
E. Johnson Copyright ©
1966 by Little, Brown and Company
(Inc.).

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, by

mimeograph or any other means, without permission.
For information address: Little, Brown and Company
34 Beacon Street, Boston, Massachusetts 02106

ISBN 0-553-13957-$
Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada

Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, Inc. Its trade-

mark, consisting of the words "Bantam Books" and the por-
trayal of a bantam, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark
Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam
Books, Inc., 666 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019.

PRINTED IN THE UN ITED STATES OF AMERICA

11 10 9876543
 For my father,
who was both father and mother
and gave far more than he knew
 Contents

1 Men and Sex 1

2 Learning about Sex 12

3 It's Two Feet Long, Hard As Steel, 23

and Can Go All Night:
The Fantasy Model of Sex

4 The Fantasy Model Continued: 36

The Process and Goals of Sex

5 Where Are You Now? 70

6 Your Conditions for Good Sex 79

and How to Get Them

7 The Physical Aspects of Sex 108

8 Touching 131

9 The Importance of Relaxation 150

Vll
viii CONTENTS

10 Masturbation: From Self- Abuse 160

to Pleasure and Self -Help

11 Virginity and Sexual Abstinence 177

12 Dealing with a Partner 188

13 Some Things You Should 225

Know about Women

14 On Not Lasting Long Enough 255

15 Starting to Develop 265

Ejaculatory Control

16 Lasting Longer with a Partner 277

17 Erection Problems, 290

or Why the Damn Thing
Won't Act Like It Should

18 Resolving Erection Problems I 302

19 Resolving Erection Problems II 311

20 Male Sexuality and the 326

Aging Process

21 Male Sexuality and 344

Medical Conditions

22 The Uses of Sex and Sex Problems 356

 CONTENTS ix

23 Sex and Liberation 379

Chapter References 387

Index 399
 Acknowledgments

This book began as a combined effort by me and John

Ullman. We had been working with men at different
places in San Francisco — John at Fort Help, I at the
Human Sexuality Program, University of California
—
Medical Center, and in private practice and decided to
pool our resources. The book was to have been one of
the products of our collaboration. Unfortunately, be-
cause of the illness of his wife, John was unable to do as
much as he had hoped. As his wife's condition de-
teriorated, it became clear to both of us that the project
could not proceed as anticipated and that I would have
to complete it on my own.

The finished work is substantially different from the one

John and I envisioned. As new chapters were written
and old ones revised, I relied more and more on my own
experience and knowledge. Although the final version
is my own work, and I. assume full responsibility for any
errors and stupidities, I want to acknowledge John's
contributions. He shared in the original planning of the
book, wrote parts of Chapter 9, and contributed some of
the material I used in Chapters 1, 5, 7, and 12. He also
read my early drafts with care and made many helpful
suggestions. I regret that we could not write the book
as we had planned and at the same time am grateful for
the assistance he gave me.
xi
Many other people gave valuable help.
A few friends and colleagues were there from the be-
ginning, reading the entire manuscript, correcting errors,
and giving perspective and support. My thanks to
Lonnie Barbach, Jackie Hackel, Bruce Heller, Lillian
Rubin, and especially to Carol Rinkleib, as loving a
friend and critical an unofficial editor as I could ever
ask for.

My thanks to the following people who read portions

of the manuscript and/ or made suggestions regarding
some of the ideas in it: Bob Badame, Harvey Caplan,
Bob Geiger, Seymour Freedman, Linda and Bernard
Gore, Jose Gutierrez, Linda Janowitz, Sue Knight, Don
Linker, Jay Mann, Kate Mollinoff, Ann Spence, Lynn
Stanton, Douglas Wallace, and Joyce Welsher.

Everyone owes much to three individuals

in the sex field
who built the foundationon which the rest of us stand.
They fought the battles, cleared the way, and made it
easy for those of us who followed. Although I take issue
with them in several places, it's an honor to acknowl-
edge my debt to Alfred Kinsey, William Masters, and
Virginia Johnson.

I was fortunate in having an excellent agent, editor, and

copyeditor. They were all there when I needed them
and gave me plenty of help. My
thanks to Rhoda Weyr,
Bill Phillips, and Mike Mattil.

Last, I a special debt to the men and women from

owe
whom learned in therapy, workshops, classes, and
I
talks. Though I was their therapist, teacher, or speaker,
I probably learned as much from them as they did from
me. In sharine their experiences with me, some of which
are recounted in the book, they gave me the under-
standing and knowledge to better help others.

Bernie Zilbergeld

xii
^ m
 Men and Sex
A common myth in our culture deals with the sup-
posed sexual differences between men and women. Ac-
cording to this bit of fantasy, female sexuality is
complex, mysterious, and full of problems, while male
sexuality is simple, straightforward, and problem-free.
Part of women's complexity — still following the myth

— is due to their equipment. In contrast to men, who

have only one sexual organ, women have several;

moreover, clitorises and vaginas aren't very visible.
Then, too, women have some, well, peculiar attitudes
about sex. They seem always to be talking about feel-
ings, tenderness, communication, and relating. What
these things have to do with sex is often unclear to
men. And women want to go about sex in interesting
ways. They don't seem to desire it as much as men and,
even when they do, they require endless amounts of
gentleness and foreplay, and still take forever to reach
orgasm. And they have no end of problems in, and
requirements for, sex. They need to feel certain ways
to get in the mood; they require stimulation done in a
very precise manner; they have pain with intercourse;
they have difficulties reaching orgasm or the right kind
of orgasm; and when it's all over, it's still not over be-
cause then they need cuddling anH talking and relating.
On the other hand, however, there is the puzzling situ-
 —
2 MALE SEXUALITY
ation, one which many men have experienced and most
others have at least heard about, where a woman gets
totally out of control, wanting more sex than any
sensible man could supply and acting like a crazed
beast, moaning and shrieking through endless orgasms,
mocking her man's inability to keep up.
It's clear, then, that women are a bit strange, and it's
a good thing there are so many books and articles
coming out on female sexuality. Somewhere in one of
them must be the answers to what women are about
sexually, and how a man can better understand them.
In contrast, the myth goes, men are very simple
creatures when it comes to sex. They have no special
requirements, they are almost always ready and will-
ing, and their only problem is how to get enough of it.
Men's equipment is the essence of simplicity. A man's
sexuality is concentrated in one place and there it is,
hanging out for all the world to see. What could be
mysterious about anything that obvious and what more
would anyone need to know about it? A man's sexual
tastes are easy, too. He will, as the old maxim has it,

take any way he can get it, but what he really wants
it

to do is stick it in and hump away until he has an

orgasm, with as little tenderness, communication, and
relating as possible. Of course, given the fact that few
women are willing to put up with this kind of behavior
anymore, most men are willing to do some foreplay to
get their ladies ready and to try to hold off orgasm
until their partners have had one of their own.
According to this myth, then, there is quite a lot to
—
be learned about female sexuality about why women
think and act as they do sexually and how their many,
mysterious problems in this area can be dealt with
but little or nothing to be learned or said about men
and sex. The males, after all, are so simple and quite
content as long as they're getting enough.
The myth may appear ridiculous the way we've
stated it, and of course it is, but you'd be surprised how
many people believe it. It is erroneous in almost every
point it makes. Men are neither so simple nor content
as we have been led to believe. Moreover, at this point
 MEN AND SEX 3

we know much less about male sexuality than about

female sexuality.
We working with men six years ago in two
started
large clinics inSan Francisco. At first, we did sex
therapy only with couples but soon developed group
and individual formats for men without partners and
men whose partners refused to participate in treatment.
It was not surprising that all the men who came for
therapy were dissatisfied with their sex lives. But two
factors about them greatly impressed us. By and large,
they were normal, healthy men; only a few could be
called neurotic or seriously disturbed. It became clear
that you didn't have to be psychologically impaired to
have sexual difficulties. The other interesting factor
was the with which the men clung to certain
rigidity
rules as to how sex should be and how a man should
act in sex. We began to wonder where they had gotten
these rules and why they held to them so tenaciously.
Then we also started working with men who had no
sexual problems. We gave talks, classes, and work-
shops on sex, sensuousness, assertiveness, social skills,
communication skills, and forming more meaningful re-
lationships. Even though some of these were not in-
tended to deal specifically with sex, sex always came
up and we kept hearing the same things again and
again. Most men were not satisfied with their sexuality
and most wanted to learn more about it. The real
shocker, however, was that those without specific sex
problems believed in the same set of sexual rules as
those with problems, though perhaps not quite as
rigidly.
Our observations regarding male discontent and
problems were confirmed by the observations and
studies of others. Herbert Hendin, for example, in his
excellent study of college students, The Age of Sensa-
tion, noted that sex problems had become one of the
main reasons college men came for therapy. And this
was the younger generation, thought by so many of us
over thirty to be free of sexual troubles. In a survey of
over 52,000 people by Psychology Today, 55 percent
of the men said they were dissatisfied with their sex
4 MALE SEXUALITY
lives and 39 percent admitted to various problems
such as disinterest in sex and premature ejaculation.
We were impressed by both the widespread preva-
lence of specific sexual problems and the even greater
sense of dissatisfaction. All was not as well with men
and sex as had been supposed.
If what we are saying is valid, how is it that so many
of us believe the opposite, that men are sexually con-
tent?
One of the chief reasons is that men have been, and
to a large extent still are, extremely secretive about
their sexuality. They may joke about sex, talk a lot
about this or that woman's characteristics and how
they'd like to get her in bed, and make many allusions
to their sexual prowess, but, other than these bits of
bravado, most men simply don't talk about sex to
anyone.
One of the cornerstones of the masculine stereotype
in our society is that a man is one who has no doubts,
questions, or confusion about sex, and that a real man
knows how to have good sex and does so frequently.
For a man to ask a question about sex, thereby re-
vealing ignorance, or to express concern, or to admit to
a problem is to risk being thought something less than a
man.
Almost every man tends to think that all other men
are having a better time sexually than he is, with none
of the worries or questions that he has (the men in the
Psychology Today survey guessed that only 1 percent
of their peers were virgins, a bad miscalculation since
the actual percentage of virgins in that sample was
22). This reinforces his idea that it's best to keep his
mouth shut. How would it look, being the only guy on
the block who comes too fast or who isn't having much
sex or who isn't enjoying it as much as he thinks he
should?
So men learn to fake it. They can't fake erections, but
we know of more than a few who fake orgasms. But the
main things they fake are their feelings. They pretend
to be confident when they're not, to know when they
don't, to be comfortable when they're uneasy, to be
interested when they couldn't care less, and to enjoy
 —
MEN AND SEX 5

when they feel otherwise. The cost of this deception is

horrendous. It keeps men from being honest with either
men or women, thus preserving the illusion that men
have no doubts or questions or concerns about sex,
which in turn makes it harder for any other man to
voice misgivings or problems.
Another factor that generates a false picture about
male sexuality is the sheer quantitative discrepancy be-
tween what has been said and written about female
sexuality and growing up female on the one hand, and
what has come forth about men on the other. whole A
literature has appeared on what it's like to be a girl and
—
woman physically, socially, sexually, and politically
much of which has sensitively portrayed the trials and
tribulations, both major and minor, that any growing
up and interacting withhumans entails. Since much
less has been said and written about men, the impres-
sion is conveyed that women have many more problems
than men and that it must be very easy to be male in
this society, especially when it comes to sex.
But, as we have said, men do have concerns
really
about sex, even though they may try to pretend that
this isn't so. What follows is a presentation of the kinds
of sexual interests and attitudes expressed by the men
we talk to.
Almost allhave questions about their sexuality,
about how they feel and function, and how they can
make sex better for themselves and their partners.
They are not content with the knowledge they have
acquired; many have questions about what other men
are like and whether their own thoughts and behaviors
are all right. They wonder about such things as: "Do
other men do it like I do?" "Do they also worry if
their penises are adequate?" "Does everyone get as
nervous as I do when I make it with a new woman?"
"Are my fantasies really OK?" "Am I some kind of nut
for not wanting sex sometimes or for not liking oral
(or anal or group) sex?" They want to know more, to
expand and enhance their sexuality, even though they
may have only a vague idea of what this might mean.
Other men say they have relatively good sex but
wonder if they're missing something. Sex is pleasant,
 —
6 MALE SEXUALITY
but not quite what it was cracked up to be the earth —
doesn't move, bells don't ring, trumpets don't blow
and, when it's over, they'still have to walk the dog and
pay the bills. Sex just hasn't united them with the cos-
mos or changed their lives in any way. Is it possible,
they ask, that there is some new position, partner, prac-
tice, or gimmick that would bring sex up to expecta-
tion?
Another attitude is represented by the surprising
responses to a question we frequently ask at talks and
workshops: "How many men have felt, at least at
times, that sex was a burden?" In most instances, at
least 30 percent of the men admitted to that feeling,
and many times over half of them did. From some of
them, as well as from some of the clients we see in sex
therapy, come statements that a few years ago were
heard only from women: "It feels like work some of
the time, like a duty, but I try my best because I want
to keep my wife happy." "I often don't enjoy it much
but I feel I owe it to her. Besides, if she doesn't get
what she wants from me, she might get it somewhere
else."
Sex more like work than fun to these men.
feels
They have so much to do —
initiating, getting their
partners turned on, orchestrating the whole event, mak-
ing sure their partners are satisfied, and, finally, finding
their own satisfaction. And theirs is the responsibility;
they believe they are accountable if their partners don't
have orgasms or if the experience is lacking in any way.
All the publicity of the last few years about female
sexuality, especially about women's "need" for sexual
fulfillment and multiple orgasms, has served primarily
to increase the dimensions of what these men see as
their duty and also to increase their concerns about
what might happen if they don't perform well. These
men wonder if there are ways of making sex more
enjoyable, of making it less work and responsibility and
more fun.
And some men have problems that trouble them
greatly. Thetypes of problems vary considerably: lack
of interest; difficulty getting or maintaining erections;
ejaculating faster than they or their partners desire;
 MEN AND SEX 7

inability to get what they wantin sex (a much more

common problem among men than has been appre-
ciated); and a lack of feeling, although the ability to
function may be unimpaired. Older men, and men
with serious illnesses or injuries, are often concerned
about the effects of aging or physical disability on their
sexual expression.
Men who have any of these concerns or problems
spend much time and energy worrying about them-
selves, wondering if there is any help for them or if
their manhood, as they are wont to call it, is slipping
away. Some give up sex altogether, so greatly do they
fear another failure or finding out that things aren't
the way they used to be. Others blame the problem
on their partners, thus attempting to find release from
the fears that haunt them. And still others play musical
beds, vainlv searching for the magical woman with
whom all will be well.
—
This book is intended for men in all categories for
those who want to learn more about their sexuality,
those who want to get more out of sex, those who are
looking for ways to integrate sex into their lives in
ways consistent with their own values and feelings, and
those who want some specific skills for dealing with
problems they are experiencing. These categories are
not as disparate as they may sound; the principles and
methods for dealing with them are quite similar. Change
in one area often also means changes in the other areas.
While the book is primarily intended for heterosexual
men and employs a heterosexual idiom, much of the
material and most of the techniques have been used
with equal success by ourselves and others with homo-
sexual men. Gay readers will, of course, have to trans-
late some of our words into language more appropriate
to their own situations.
This book is also for women. Many women have
told us of their ignorance of male sexuality and their
desire to learn more. Because of their candid conver-
sations with other women and the wealth of reading
material on female sexuality, they know a lot about
women and sex but not nearly as much as they'd like
about men's attitudes and experiences with sex.
8 MALE SEXUALITY
Even in a book of this length we could not cover
everything, so we chose the topics and techniques that
we found to be the most interesting and beneficial to
the men we have talked to and worked with in enhanc-
ing their sexuality and resolving specific problems.
We begin with a discussion of what men learn about
sex. Our thesis is that the rules and concepts we learn
are destructive and a very inadequate preparation for a
satisfying and pleasurable sex life. As incredible as it
may sound to you now, we believe that men have been
duped about sex. They have accepted unrealistic and, in
fact, superhuman standards by which to measure their
equipment, performance, and satisfaction, thus ensuring
a perpetual no-win situation. Whatever men do, it's
somehow not enough, not when compared to the stan-
dards they learned. Without a doubt, this learning is
the source of most of our sexual discomforts and prob-
lems. It prevents us from resolving whatever problems
we encounter and also hinders us in our search for
sexual expression that is a true reflection of ourselves.
Having a better sex life is in large measure dependent
upon your willingness to examine how the male sexual
mythology has trapped you. After coming to grips with
your learning and expectations, you are in a position to
change, and much of the book is devoted to material
and techniques that will give you the opportunity to ex-
perience different ways of being and behaving sexually.
There are chapters on discovering and asserting your
sexual needs and desires; the physical side of sex;
touching; masturbation; relaxation and sex; the uses
of sex and sex problems (what at first seems like a
problem is sometimes a solution to another problem);
dealing with partners; and female sexuality. There is
also a chapter on sex and aging and another on sex
and medical conditions; these chapters are not as spe-
cialized as they sound and are intended for all men. The
difficulties that older men and disabled men have with
sex are really not so different from the difficulties that
the rest of us experience. For men with erection prob-
lems, there is a three-chapter package, and there is a
similar unit for men who want to develop better ejacu-
latory control. Even if you do not have either of these
 MEN AND SEX 9

concerns, you may find it interesting to read the first

chapter in each of these units.
Series of exercises are presented in most of the chap-
ters. Readers whose interest is only in obtaining infor-
mation may be content reading and not doing any of
the exercises. Those desiring to make changes in their
behavior, however, will want to do the exercises. Be-
havior change is difficult to accomplish without the de-
velopment of new skills, and the purpose of the
exercises is to help you develop new skills and under-
standing. And many of them can be fun as well.
The material and exercises are presented in the order
that has proved most effective in our experiences work-
ing with men. The exercises themselves are arranged
so that you always start with ones that are relatively
simple and easy to do, gradually working up to ones
that are more complex. As we discuss throughout the
book, going slowly and being comfortable with what
you're doing are essential ingredients for a good sex life.
In a workshop, class, or therapy, the leader or thera-
pist tries to tailor his material to the specific require-
ments of the individuals involved. This is not easily
done in a book, however, since the writer can have
only a general idea of who his readers will be. Con-
sequently, a much broader approach must be used so
that readers can choose from a variety of sources to
fashion their own programs. Some men will want to do
most of the exercises, some will do fewer, and others
will do only those in one or two chapters. The best
guide we can offer is to tell you to do what fits your
interests and situation. Some of the exercises and sug-
gestions may strike you as irrelevant to your life or too
easy. Start where you like. However —
and this is an
—
extremely important qualification if you have diffi-
culty doing what you choose to do or if you do not
obtain the results you desire, the reason is probably
that you tried to do too much too soon, a very common
tendency among men. Instead of giving up, consider
going back and doing the exercises you skipped.
Our approach to helping you enjoy sex more is
based on the assumption that you are a unique indi-
vidual with your own sexual preferences and style. You
 a

10 MALE SEXUALITY
are the person best qualified to discover what works
for you and gives you pleasure. In other words, you
need to learn more about your sexual self, a self that in
some ways is similar to those of other men but in
other ways is different. Such an exploration is not always
easy and, in truth, requires both courage and persis-
tence. Despite the lip service given by both profession-
als and lay people to the idea that people are unique,
we all have strong tendencies to want to be precisely
like everyone else, particularly in anxiety-laden areas
like sex.
There is no right way
to have sex. People are too
different for there to be one or two or even a dozen
right ways. Since people really are different and since
no two people function in exactly the same way re- —
gardless of the attempts of our sexual mythology and
many sex manuals to convince you of the opposite —
book cannot tell you what you would enjoy or how to
turn yourself or your partner on.
What a book can do, and what we attempt to do, is
provide a framework within which you can explore
what you are about sexually: your own body, patterns,
preferences, and turn-ons. Such explorations fare best
if they are relaxed experiences, free from demands that

you be such and such a way or that you enjoy such and
such an activity. Our suggestions and exercises are only
opportunities for you to discover something about your-
self. We hope you will give some of them a chance to
work for you, but we are aware that what you learn
from any given exercise may be different from what
other men have learned; and that is fine.
Since many of the men we worked with have en-
joyed and profited from hearing other men's feelings
and experiences, we include numerous examples. Some
of them are from men we have seen in therapy, classes,
and workshops, and are so identified. Others are from
our own lives or from friends or colleagues who did
not wish to be identified. We have tried to present suf-
ficient information so that you could develop a feeling
for the man and his situation. We hope that some of
these examples will be relevant to you and will give you
a sense of how other men relate to their sexuality.
 MEN AND SEX 11

Resist the temptation, so common among men, of

assuming that something is wrong with you if your
experiences or responses are different from what is por-
trayed in our examples or text. Your feelings and re-
actions are right for you, and only by acknowledging,
exploring, and building upon them will you develop
the kind of sexuality that gives you the most pleasure.
 Learning about Sex
Although many people think of sex as something that is
—
natural or instinctive
—
just doing what comes naturally
human sexuality is basically a learned phenomenon.
Very little of our sexual behavior can properly be called
instinctive. There are a few exceptions: newborn males,
for example, have erections and obviously they have
not had the chance to learn anything. It is easy to as-
sume that since we, like all animals, are programmed to
continue our species, intercourse would occur without
learning. But the issue is much more complex than this,
as we shall soon discuss.
Nature would be content and the human species
would survive if some men at some time impregnated
some women. This could be accomplished through rape,
through sex that involved only penetration and quick
ejaculation, with no good feelings between the partici-
pants and with neither partner enjoying it at all. The
only important thing from nature's point of view is that
enough births occur to replenish the lives lost through
and old age. The ideas that some ways
illness, injury,
of having sex are better than others, that certain ac-
tions are decent while others are indecent, that some
partners and places are appropriate while others are
—
not all these are products of learning. Nature seems to
care not a whit about any of it.

12
 LEARNING ABOUT SEX 13

Even lower animals, though they have a much larger

component of instinctive programming than humans in
sexual and other matters, need to learn about sex.
Animals that through accident or human intervention
miss their "sex education" have a difficult time of it
when they are adults and many never learn to mate.
Monkeys who are deprived of certain childhood
experiences —
touching and being touched by their
mothers, playing with and grooming peers, and/or ob-
serving adult monkeys engaging in sex —
are unable to
have sex when they grow up. They may try the drive —
—
seems to be there but they do it all wrong. Males
look puzzled, unsure of what to do. They either
physically assault receptive females or clumsily grope
them and try to mount in inappropriate ways. The fact
that animals whom we think of as more instinctually
controlled than ourselves need to learn about sex
should alert us to the tremendous importance of learn-
ing in our own sexual behavior.
Sex researcher John Gagnon gives this example of the
role of learning in human sexuality:

It iscommon for heterosexually oriented men to be

aroused by seeing women's breasts under clothing, by
taking off a brassiere, by touching a woman's breasts.
. .These activities are often accompanied by dra-
.

matic psychological and physiological changes in the

man, experienced as appropriate to the sexual things
he is doing. It is difficult for him as a participant
. . . amount of learning that had to take
to recall the
place for of these events to make sense as sexual
all
events. Thereis noautomatic connection between touch-
ing a woman's breasts and blood flow into the genitals.

The following personal experience may help make

the point clearer.

When went to summer camp, a very naive thir-

I
teen year old, I was quite conscious of being the
youngest boy in my cabin. I was intrigued by what
most of my roommates were doing at night. It was
hard to see but it was obvious that they were doing
—
something to themselves to their penises, I realized
as —
my observations continued to the accompaniment
 —
14 MALE SEXUALITY
of moaning and heavy breathing. I decided that
whatever it was, it must be good since all the older
boys were doing it, and that it would pay me to find
out more about this activity. As soon as everyone else
went to their swimming lessons, I headed for the bath-
room and got to work.
At first my investigations were a flop. I did just
about everything I could think of to my penis
squeezing it, petting it, rubbing it between my hands,
pushing it against my thigh, waving it around like a
flag —
and nothing happened. It hadn't occurred to me
that it would help if I had an erection. Then, one day
as I was absentmindedly stroking my penis and think-
ing that I would have to retire from such pursuits
unless more rewarding results were forthcoming, I be-
came aware of some pleasurable sensations. I kept
stroking, my penis got hard, and the sensations felt
better and better. Then I was overcome with feelings
I had never before felt and, God help me, white stuff
came spurting out the end of my cock. I wasn't sure
if I had sprung a leak or what. I was afraid but
calmed down when I thought that since it was white it
couldn't be blood. I kept on stroking and it hurt. I
didn't know if the hurt was connected with the white
stuff (had I really injured myself?) or if the event was
over and my penis needed a rest. But I decided to stop
for the moment. Of course I returned the next day
and did it again, thus beginning a daily habit that
continued for many years.
As I look back at those days, I can see how much
I had to learn. The first ejaculations fired my curios-
ity —they —
were certainly interesting but they didn't
feel all that great. I wasn't sure what to make of
them. Only gradually did I begin to experience them
as extremely pleasurable, perhaps more pleasurable
than anything else. The most interesting thing, though,
is that for many months after I started masturbating,
I never connected what I was doing with girls or what
little I knew about sex. Masturbation
—
"whacking off"
is what my roommates called it —
was just an en-
joyable activity that boys did alone or in darkness.
Only after I heard that one could put his penis in a va-
gina and experience similar sensations did I begin to
put together what I was doing with what I might
someday do with a girl and start developing sexual
fantasies to accompany my solo ministrations.
 LEARNING ABOUT SEX 15

In allimportant areas of life we seek information

about how we should act. We are acutely sensitive to
information regarding roles and behaviors that are ap-
plicable to us, and we pick up relevant information in
both conscious and unconscious ways.
The boy interested in becoming a doctor may read
a book about medicine. He may also get information
about doctors in ways that he is not aware of, so that
after a while he may start walking or talking or in some
manner imitating his doctor or one he has seen on tele-
vision. Much of what he learns, especially from the
media, is misleading, distorted, and inaccurate. He does
not have much ability to differentiate between infor-
mation that is accurate, that which is basically true but
exaggerated, and that which is totally false. He may
well build up expectations that will cause frustration
and disappointment when he encounters the realities of
medical practice. If he is to function well and be con-
tent with his career, he will have to unlearn or give up
the false information he acquired and replace it with
more realistic data.
Learning about sex is similar in many ways but also
much more difficult. We all want to learn about sex
since it seems like such an important part of being mas-
culine and adult but, because of all the double messages
we get from our parents and other sources, it is*a sub-
ject loaded with anxiety. Such anxiety is not condu-
cive to clear thinking, viewing things in perspective, or
calmly assessing how what we
hear or read fits with our
own values and experience. And
sex is one of the few
areas of life where it is almost impossible to observe
accurately how others are doing it. It is of course pos-
sible to obtain sexual information —
we are deluged
—
with it but much of this information is absurdly ex-
aggerated and inaccurate and the growing boy has no
way of knowing this.
A crucial element that motivated our learning and
fueled our anxiety was the necessity of proving that we
were men. In our society, as in almost every other so-
ciety that has ever existed, manhood is a conditional
attribute. The possession of a penis is necessary but
 —
16 MALE SEXUALITY
not sufficient; youstill had to prove, and keep on prov-

ing, that you were worthy. As Norman Mailer put it:

"Nobody was born a man; you earned your manhood
provided you were good enough, bold enough."
From countless sources we learned that our mascu-
linity and therefore our self-esteem was always on the
line: from Western and gangster movies where men
never back away from a fight, even if it means almost
certain death; from endless newspaper and magazine
articles announcing that so-and-so had "become a man"
by enduring some terrible ordeal, leading his team to
victory, or performing some other extraordinary task;
from the sting, even if experienced only vicariously, of a
male being called a "boy," "girl," "fag," or "sissy" for
some supposedly unmasculine trait or act.
The badge of manhood can be won only temporarily;
it can be questioned or taken away at any time. One

job poorly done, one "failure," one sign of weakness

that's all it took to lose our membership in the
charmed circle. Many of us can remember how our
parents, teachers, coaches, and friends used this knowl-
edge to keep us in line.
Most of us experienced no choice: we had to demon-
strate our masculinity no matter how ill-equipped and
ill-prepared we felt. In his essay "Being a Boy,"
Julius 'Lester captures the agony so many of us felt.
Comparing himself to girls, he says:

There was the life, I thought! No constant pressure to

prove oneself. No necessity always to be competing.
While I humiliated myself on football and baseball
fields, the girls stood on the sidelines laughing at me,
because they didn't have to do anything except be
girls. The rising of each sun brought me to the starting
line of yet another day's Olympic decathlon, with no
hope of ever winning even a bronze medal.
Through no fault of my own I reached adolescence.
While the pressure to prove myself on the athletic
field lessened, the overall situation got worse —be-
cause now I had to prove myself with girls. Just how
I was supposed to go about doing this was beyond
me. . Nonetheless, duty called, and with my ninth-
. .

grade gym-class jockstrap flapping between my legs,

off I went.
 LEARNING ABOUT SEX 17

Like Lester, we sooner or later realized that sex was

one of the most important areas in which to prove our-
selves. But where could one go to find out what sex was
about?
Our culture does not assist us much in acquiring ac-
curate sexual information. Ten or more years ago, when
many of us learned about sex, reliable information
was not readily available. Courses on sex, even in med-
ical and graduate schools, were virtually nonexistent,
which meant that the professionals we went to for ad-
vice often knew little more than we. There were few
factually accurate articles in the popular literature. And
whom could you talk to? It was widely accepted that
nice people didn't talk about such things and, even if
you didn't consider yourself nice, it was difficult to
admit ignorance or concern.
In recounting his thinking on the days before
what was to have been his first sexual experience, Bill
Cosby demonstrates the dilemma many of us experi-
enced.

So, man, Saturday comes, and I've been thinkin' all

week about this p-u-s-s-y. You know, and Ym tryin'
to ask people questions about how they get some
p-u-s-s-y. And 1 don't want guys to know that I don't
know nothin' about gettin' no p-u-s-s-y. But how do
you find out how to do it without blowin' the fact that
you don't know how to do it? So I come up to a
guy, and I say, Say, man, have you ever had any
p-u-s-s-y? And the guy says, Yeah. And 1 say, Well,
man, what's your favorite way of gettin' it? He says,
Well, you know, just the regular way. And 1 say.
Well, do you do it like I do it? And the cat says, How's
that? And I say, Well, hey, I heard that there was
different ways of doin' it, man. He says, Well, there's a
lotta ways of doin' it, you know, but I think that . . .

you know, the regular way. I say, Yeah, good

. . .

ol' regular way . . . good ol' regular way of gettin*

that p-u-s-s-y.

As he continues his ruminations on the way to the

house, Cosby
girl's —
all of eleven years old at the
time —neatly illustrates the influence of the idea that
a man should be able to do it all on his own, even
18 MALE SEXUALITY
though he hasn't the faintest notion of what sex is

about.

So now, I'm walking and I'm trying to figure out how

to do it. And when I get there, the most embarrassing
thing is gonna be when I have to take my pants down.
See, right away, then, Vm buck naked buck naked
. . .

in front of this girl. Now, what happens then? Do you

. . do you just
. . I don't even know what to do
. . . . .

Vm gonna just stand there and she's gonna say, You

don't know how to do it. And I'm gonna say, Yes I
do, but I forgot. / never thought of her showing me,
because I'm a man and I don't want her to show me
— / don't want nobody to show me, but I wish some-
body would kinda slip me a note. . / stopped off
. .

at a magazine stand to look and see if there were any

sexy magazines about it. I mean if I wasn't going to
learn how to do it, I figured there might be some pic-
tures in there of somebody almost getting ready to do
it. But I don't find nothin'.

Cosby
arrives at the girl's house in a state of near-
hysteria and avoids having sex with her. But on the
way home he struts like the world's greatest lover. He
brags to his friend Rufus about the "gooooooooooood
p-u-s-s-y" he had gotten and when Rufus asks how he
did it, he answers, "if you don't know how to do it, I
ain't gonna tell you how to do it. ." And so it goes,
. .

with ignorance proliferating at a fantastic pace and

everyone thinking that everyone else really knows how
to do it.

The
anxiety about not knowing, about not being
man enough, was so great, as was our need for ac-
ceptance from our peers, that we often faked it. Like
Cosby, we lied to our friends about how far we had
gone with our last date and assumed a mask of confi-
dence and knowledge that had little basis in reality.
Better to lie than risk having our fragile egos battered
and ridiculed.

I remember trying to smile knowingly whenever my

high school friends talked about sex and how much
they were getting. I tried to give the impression that
 LEARNING ABOUT SEX 19

I, too, was though I was very un-

getting a lot, even
clear about what it was I was supposed to have got-
ten. I felt that I had to fake it, for to have admitted
my ignorance and virginity would have degraded me
in the eyes of those from whom I most wanted and
needed respect. It was obvious that the most adult
and manly thing one could do was get a lot, so I pre-
tended, always fearing that my deception would be
discovered. I was surprised to learn, years later, that
many of my friends had been lying just like me.

The decade has of course brought a much greater

last
availability of sexual knowledge and a greater permis-
sion to be interested in it. Stopping at a magazine stand
today, you can find pictures not only of people getting
ready to have sex, but doing it in every conceivable
manner and place. Good reading material can be con-
veniently purchased; some physicians, therapists, and
educators now know about sex; and it is even con-
sidered legitimate, in some circles at least, to have sex-
ual questions, concerns, and problems.
But most of us developed our sexual scripts or mod-
els (the organized totality of our sexual knowledge)
before we had access to accurate information. We
grabbed whatever information we could find, from
our friends and older boys (many of whom differed
from us only in having a larger store of misconcep-
tions), from the media, from sexual humor, and from
any other sources at our disposal. Bit by bit we
constructed a sexual script for ourselves, something to
guide our sexual thoughts and behavior. Such scripts
are acquired at a relatively early age and quickly be-
come entrenched and resistant to major change.
That a more permissive attitude now prevails may
seem to herald the end of sexual misinformation and
ignorance, and the beginning of a state of unprece-
dented sexual bliss. But such is in fact not the case.
Opportunities for obtaining more accurate information
have clearly expanded, thus making more possible the
development of more appropriate and personally satis-
fying sexual scripts. But all is still very far from well.
Many health professionals are still abysmally ignorant
20 MALE SEXUALITY
about sex and much of the information disseminated by
self-styled experts — likeDavid Reuben and the anony-
mous authors of The Sensuous Woman and The Sen-
suous Man — is misleading, inaccurate and, in some
cases, even dangerous. Weare inundated with articles,
books, courses, and programs about sex, but, because
of the anxiety surrounding sexuality, most people are
in no position to separate the wheat from the chaff.
And of sexual chaff there is no end. There seems to
be no limit to the amount of nonsense people will be-
lieve about sex. Old misconceptions are discredited and
disappear only to reappear under new labels or to be
replaced by new ones at least as absurd. What sounds
at first like liberation usually turns out on closer in-
spection to be a new and sometimes even harsher
tyranny.
—
Because of the cultural uneasiness about sex which
affects us all, virgin and swinger alike —and because of
our desperate desire to do sex the "right way" and not
miss anything for fear that we be judged less than men,
we tend to distort even information that is accurate.
Perspective and personal evaluation ("Does this real-
ly fit and feel good for me?") are lost as we fran-
tically attempt to prove our masculinity and sexiness.
The fact that some women sometimes have multiple
orgasms gets translated into an imperative ("I've got
to make my partner have several orgasms every
time"). A statistic demonstrating that men in a certain
age bracket have sex 2.5 times a week on the average
becomes an iron-clad rule. Options like open relation-
ships and bisexuality become necessities or causes for
concern.
The problem is cultural rather than personal.
Whether we formed our basic sexual scripts in the last
five years or forty years ago, we are all victims of the
cultural imperative to prove our manhood and the
unwillingness of society at large to present us with
realistic and meaningful sexual scripts to follow.
The models of sex and masculinity that were and
are presented to us are deficient in a great many ways,
harmful to both us and our partners, and the main
cause of our sexual dissatisfaction and problems. These
 LEARNING ABOUT SEX 21

models have little to do with what is possible or satisfy-

ing for human beings.
We had little We tried to get the best pos-
choice.
sible information. We
could not foresee the negative
implications of what we were learning. We were too
young, too naive, too busy growing and living to have
much perspective and to realize what was happening to
us. Much of the time we were not even aware that we
were learning anything. As we shall see in the next
chapter, much of our sex education comes from
sources not usually thought of as educational.
Not all of our sex education was negative, however.
Although all of us have been influenced to some extent
by the myths and fantasies discussed in the next two
chapters, some of us were influenced less than others.
Some men were fortunate in having understanding
parents, teachers, lovers, or others from whom they
were able to obtain information and the space to
develop in their own way. Others, with little or no out-
side assistance, had to struggle harder to develop their
sexuality in personally satisfying ways. And some of
these men were able to replace early, destructive knowl-
edge with models more consistent with their own per-
and values.
sonalities
While we acknowledge these exceptions and salute
the increasing number of men willing to deal with the
sex-role stereotypes and sexual mythology that chains
them, it is certain that these chains still exert an in-
credible influence on most of us. The sexual model we
will be discussing guides much of our sexual behavior
(including thoughts and feelings) even though we are
usually unaware of its influence. In a real sense, the
model is our problem. It is what prevents us from ex-
pressing and enjoying our sexuality in the most satisfy-
ing ways.
What has been learned can be unlearned and re-
placed by more personally appropriate knowledge. Ac-
tually, you don't really have to unlearn anything. All
you need to do is recognize what is getting in your way
and loosen its grip just a little bit. Much of sex therapy,
and much of what occurs in workshops and courses on
sex, is simply the use of techniques designed to gently
22 MALE SEXUALITY
unleash you from some of your early sexual learning
and give you the opportunity to experience other ways
of being sexual.
And that, in essence, is what this book is about.
 It's Two Feet Long,
Hard As Steel, and Can
Go All Night:
The Fantasy Model of Sex
In this and the following chapter we discuss the model
of sex that is prevalent in our society. The model is
rarely encountered in its entirety, but bits and pieces
of it are found everywhere. Its purest exemplar is por-
nography (movies, books, and, more recently, comic
books), but it also abounds in sexual humor, popular
literature, those works of "good" fiction that deal ex-
plicitly with sex, and even in technical and scientific
literature.
We believe that sexual learning takes place all the
time. Whenever something happens that affects our
subsequent behavior, thoughts, or feelings, learning has
occurred. While we don't listen to or tell what used to
be called dirty jokes in order to learn anything, the
sexual messages are there and, because of our basic in-
security about sex and our sensitivity to anything
sexual, the messages get through to us whether we
realize it or not. And what is true about humor is also
true for all the other sources of the sexual model. The

23
24 MALE SEXUALITY
fact that we are unaware of having learned anything is
unimportant. In fact, some of the most important learn-
ing in our lives happens without our knowledge. Many
of the things we believe are not learned but are simply
"the way it is" are in fact learned but, because of our
insistence to the contrary, extremely resistant to change.
An interesting fact that ensures that just about all
men (and women) will learn the same model of sex is
that all the media sources portray essentially the same
sexual messages. What is picked up from one is rein-
forced by the others. Even if we never read a book and
never saw a movie, we would still learn the model. It
pervades our culture. Our friends learned it, as did our
parents, and it would be a mistake of major propor-
tions to assume that the professionals who talk and
write about sex have completely escaped its tentacles.
There can be no question regarding the influence of
the fantasy model of sex. In their highly regarded study
Pornography and Sexual Deviance, Michael Goldstein
and Harold Kant report that erotic literature and films
are "often the only media" through which the roles of
men and women in sex and "concrete models of the ac-
tual 'mechanics' of heterosexual relationships" are
gained. Erotic literature is the primary source of sex
education for many young people, as well as for many
not so young. When we add the effects of sexual humor,
popular literature, movies, television, and other media,
we begin to get an idea of the immensity of the prob-
lem.
There has also been, at least up until very recently,
a relative paucity of competing models. The variety of
possibilities and problems of real sexuality —
as op-
posed to the superhuman sexuality of the model are —
detailed only infrequently. With the new openness
about sex in the culture there is some hope that this
m?y change in the future, but what we have seen so far
gives us little cause for optimism. Which is not sur-
prising since the people who write for and direct the
media were brought up on the same sexual script as
the rest of us, a fact to which their productions at-
test.
Enough introduction for now. The following quota-
 THE FANTASY MODEL OF SEX 25

tion, from Harold Robbins's The Betsy, useful for is

setting the proper mood for our discussion of the model.
Try to keep in mind that this book is not only not
pornographic by any of the usual definitions but can be
conveniently purchased at many drugstores and su-
permarkets. It may also be helpful to know that Rob-
bins is the best-selling author of fiction in the world.
His works have sold well over 150 million copies. Con-
sidering this, he may be the most influential sex educa-
tor of our time.

Gently her fingers opened his union suit and he sprang

out at her like an angry lion from its cage. Carefully
she peeled back his foreskin, exposing his red and an-
gry glans, and took him in both hands, one behind
the other as if she were grasping a baseball bat. She
stared at it in wonder. "C'est formidable. Un vrai
canon." . . .

. . Naked, he looked even more an animal than

.

before. Shoulders, chest and belly covered with hair

out of which sprang the massive erection. . . .

She almost fainted looking down at him. Slowly he

began to lower her on him. Her legs came up ... as
he began to enter her. It was as if a giant of
. . .

white-hot steel were penetrating her vitals. She began

to moan as it opened her and climbed higher into her
body, past her womb, past her stomach, under her
heart, up into her throat. She was panting now, like
a bitch in heat. . . .

[He then flings her onto the bed.] Then he was

poised over her. His hands reached and grasped
. . .

each of her heavy breasts as if he wanted to tear them

from her body. She moaned in pain and writhed, her
pelvis suddenly arching and thrusting toward him.
Then he entered her again.
"Mon Dieu!" she cried, the tears springing into her
eyes. "Mon Dieu!" She began to climax almost before
he was fully inside her. Then she couldn't stop them,
one coming rapidly after the other as he slammed into
her with the force of the giant body press she had
seen working in his factory. Somehow she became . . .

confused, the man and the machine they were one and
the same and the strength was something else she had
never known before. And finally, when orgasm after
orgasm had racked her body into a searing sheet of
26 MALE SEXUALITY
flame and she could bear no more, she cried out to
him in French.
"Take your pleasure with me! Quick, before I
. . .
ff
die!
A roar came from deep inside his throat and his
hands tightened on her breasts. She half screamed and
her hands grabbed into the hair of his chest. Then all
his weight seemed to fall in on her, crushing the
breath from her body, and she felt the hot onrushing
gusher of his semen turning her insides into viscous,
flowing lava. She discovered herself climaxing again.

While this quote was not chosen randomly, there are

literally thousands of similar ones that could have been
used.
We now examine in greater detail some of the major
components of this sexual fantasyland. In the rest of
this chapter we deal with the model's prescriptions for
male equipment and the sexual partner. In the next
chapter, we talk about the process and goals of sex.
Although we mainly use quotations from books to dem-
onstrate our points, it is well to remember that the
other sources of sexual information convey the same
information and that some of those sources may have
been more influential than books in your own educa-
tion.

The Equipment
By equipment we mean penises, since the model
teaches that they areall men need to have good sex.
Presumably that bit of skin between your legs is the
only sexual part of you.
It is not much of an exaggeration to say that penises
in fantasyland come in only three sizes —
large, gigantic,
and so big you can barely get them through the door-
way. This joke has been around at least since we were
in high school: A
woman tells the man she has been
dating that she would never marry anyone unless he
had twelve inches. To which he replies that he refuses
to cut off four inches, even for her.
 .

THE FANTASY MODEL OF SEX 27

Penis size is frequently mentioned in jokes and litera-

ture, and of course bigger
is always better. Average or
small penises are noted only as objects of derision. A
woman in Joyce Elbert's Crazy Ladies complains that
the men she meets have such small penises that they
might as well use their fingers, but then becomes ecstatic
when she finds a man with "an erection a mile long."
Women, we are given to believe, crave nothing so
much as a penis that might be mistaken for a telephone
pole. They receive such monstrosities with thanksgiving
and complete satisfaction. Who can forget that tender
love scene in The Godfather where Sonny, the best-
hung stud in town, gets together with Lucy, who has
hitherto been unable to find a penis large enough to
fill her up?

Her hand closed around an enormous, blood-gorged

pole of muscle. It pulsated in her hand like an ani-
mal and almost weeping with grateful ecstasy she
pointed it into her own wet, turgid flesh. The thrust of
its entering, the unbelievable pleasure made her gasp
... and then like a quiver, her body received the
savage arrows of his lightning-like thrusts arching . . .

her pelvis higher and higher until for the first time in
her life she reached a shattering climax. . .

The fact that the penis is not a muscle and contains

no muscular tissue at all is conveniently ignored, a
clear example of how far from reality is the model.
Not only are fantasyland penises much larger than
life, they also behave peculiarly. They are forever

"pulsating," "throbbing," and leaping about. The mere

sight or touch of a woman is sufficient to set the penis
jumping, and whenever a man's fly is unzipped, his
penis leaps out. From Harold Robbins's The Inheri-
tors: ". .she pulled open the buttons on his trousers.
.

He sprang swollen into her hand. ." Nowhere does

. .

a penis merely mosey out for a look at what's hap-

pening.
The penis should also be unbelievably hard. It is of-
ten described as being hard as rock or steel, anything
less apparently being inadequate. The fantasy penis is
always totally full and firm, always ready to go.
28 MALE SEXUALITY
Or to stay. The
last characteristic of the idealized pe-
nis capacity to satisfy, either by lasting for
is its infinite
hours on end or by immediately regaining its hardness
after ejaculation. Henry Miller gives this example of
total control over the ejaculatory process:

/ was in such a cold-blooded state of control that as

she went through her spasms I poked it around in-
side her like a demon, up, sideways, down, in, out
again, plunging, rearing, jabbing, snorting, and abso-
lutely certain that I wouldn't come until I was damned
good and ready.

From The Pearl comes this example of a penis that

never needed to rest: "I could not exhaust him; he was
continually shooting his love juice into my . .
.

."
womb. . .

Wonderful instruments, these penises. Though they

be like rock, they just keep rolling along.
Thepenis is the central figure —
the hero, so to speak
— of the fantasy model. Not the human penis, to be
sure, but an organ of make-believe, conceived of, in the
words of Dr. Steven Marcus, as "a magical instrument
of infinite powers." The names given to these penises
reflect their inhuman nature —
tools, weapons, rods, ram-
rods, battering rams, shafts, coursers, and formidable
machines. Somehow the humanity of the penis has
been lost. The model makes it quite clear that the
quality of a sexual experience and the measure of the
man is a direct function of the size and power of that
magical toy between his legs.
Real men with real penises compare themselves to
the model and find themselves woefully lacking. Most
men believe that their penises are not what they ought
to be. They are not long enough or wide enough or
hard enough, they do not spring forth with the req-
uisite surging and throbbing, and they do not last long
enough or recover fast enough. A
recent magazine sur-
vey of over a thousand men found that "all male
respondents, with the exception of the most extraordi-
narily endowed, expressed doubts about their own sex-
uality based on their penile size."
 THE FANTASY MODEL OF SEX 29

Given what we learned, this isn't surprising. The

problem is that we think we should measure up to what
are basically impossible standards. The penises in the
model are products of fantasy and the real always
loses when compared to the creations of human imag-
ination.
But, you may be thinking, that isn't the whole story.
What about the huge organs you've seen with your own
eyes in pornographic movies and magazines? And in
the movies some of those guys seem to last forever or
regain their erections immediately after orgasm.
Aren't these things for real? Sure, in a way. There is no
question but that some men are more generously en-
dowed than the rest of us and that they are sought
after by those whose business it is to titillate the public.
There are also all kinds of things that can be and are
done to make the huge look even larger than it actually
is.There is very little that cannot be accomplished
through the magic of photography. And splicing works
wonders in films. What looks like a continuous se-
quence in a movie is often the result of taping together
segments filmed at different times. You'd be surprised
how much film is wasted because the actors don't get
erections, or come before they're supposed to. But the
film you see looks perfect. What you see isn't necessarily
what is when it comes to sex.
We don't want to gloss over the fact that there are
some large penises around. It is also true that some men
can long periods of time or have relatively brief
last
refractory periods. But such phenomena are statistical-
ly rare. There is no more reason to try to match them
than there is to try to grow to be seven feet tall just
because there are a few men of that height, or to try
to run a four-minute mile because a few men have ac-
complished that feat.
Accepting your own merely human penis can be dif-
ficult. You know it is somewhat unpredictable and, even
when functioning at its best, looks and feels more like a
human penis than a battering ram or a mountain of
stone. Not much when compared to the fantasies we
are brought up on. But you do have one small ad-
—
vantage you are alive and can enjoy yourself where-
30 MALE SEXUALITY
as the supermen of the model with their gigantic erec-
tions are unreal and feel nothing. Later in the book we
give some exercises to assist you in learning more about
your penis and enjoying it. For now, it might be help-
ful if you would look at your penis and ask whether you
can live with it. After all, unless you are contemplating
a transplant from a horse, it's the only penis you'll ever
have and, whatever its characteristics, it can give you
much pleasure.

The Partner
The womenin fantasyland are all gorgeous and per-
fectlyformed. A
glance at the cartoons in any issue
of Playboy or Penthouse makes the point succinctly:
the women men desire are beautiful and flawlessly
built; women who do not fit this mold are ridiculed.
Average-looking women, women who look older
than twenty-two, those whose breasts sag or whose skin
is not the model-conforming smooth, creamy, and silky
— such women rarely appear in the world of sexual
make-believe. It is a world where no one ages and no
one wrinkles and no one loses her jutting breasts. In
keeping with this notion, many of the women in popu-
lar literature keep peering into mirrors and noting that,
though they have reached the advanced age of, say,
thirty, there's nary a crease or wrinkle marring their
charms.
Feminists and other women have long complained
that men are too interested in physical appearance,
paying more attention to "tits and ass" than to the per-
sonality and intelligence of women and being unin-
terested in women who do not fit the current standard
of physical perfection. There is more than a bit of
truth in this, for men have learned that sex is something
one has only with young and beautiful women. Given
all the brainwashing we have been subjected to, it is
understandable that we should pay so much attention
to physical attributes and that middle-aged and older
men should so often prefer to go out with much younger
 THE FANTASY MODEL OF SEX 31

women. On the other hand, it is a tribute to the

resiliency and common sense of men that so many
have been able to see through the propaganda and
find happiness with women who don't fit the require-
ments of the fantasy script.
Women in the fantasymodel are also portrayed as
wanting sex the time and wanting to be handled
all
roughly, no matter how much they may request gentle-
ness or protest the male's sexual advances. Such charac-
teristics are regular features in pornography and also
occur frequently in other sources of the fantasy model.
The maid in Norman Mailer's American Dream resists
Steven Rojack's sexual advances. But he overpowers
her and is later rewarded for "taking her" by such
statements as "You are absolutely a genius, Mr. Ro-
jack," and "I love you a little bit."
D. H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley, though "it cost
her an effort to let him have his way and his will of
her," allows her lover to have anal intercourse with her.
It is a wonderful experience:

[S]he had needed this phallic hunting out, she had

secretly wanted it, and she had believed that she
would never get it. .What liars poets and every-
. .

body were! They made one think one wanted senti-

ment. When what one supremely wanted was this
piercing, consuming, rather awful sensuality. To find
a man who dared do it, without shame or sin or final
misgiving. If he had been ashamed afterwards . . .

how awful!

The message couldn't be clearer if it were written

across the sky in neon —
never listen to what a woman
says when it comes to sex. She means yes even if she
says no. She wants to be taken despite her protesta-
tions, she wants roughness even when she asks for
tenderness.
As the following joke indicates, contempt is the only
reward for the man who takes a woman's resistance
seriously.

A traveling salesman found lodging at a farmer's

house and was told that he would have to sleep with
32 MALE SEXUALITY
the farmer's beautiful daughter. The salesman started
having fantasies of a sex-filled night and eagerly
awaited bedtime. But when it arrived the girl piled a
few pillows between them on the bed and told him
not to cross over them. He was disappointed but com-
plied with her request. In the morning the girl was
gone, and the salesman dressed and started to leave.
As he left the house, he saw the girl doing some
chores on the other side of a fence and called to her:
"Wait a minute, I'll jump over this fence and give you
a kiss good-bye." To which she contemptuously re-
plied: "Hell, if you can't make it over three pillows,
you ain't never going to get over the fence."

Men in the fantasy model are always rewarded for

not listening to a woman rather than for taking her
seriously. Isit any wonder that men in the real world

have trouble knowing what to do when a woman says

"No" or "Stop" or "Be more gentle"?
The idea that women shouldn't be listened to is also
learned from, and reinforced by, the social game in
which the woman, trying to protect her reputation and
not appear "loose," resists the man's advances even
when she is willing to have sex. She resists to comply
with the rules of the game and, having satisfied the re-
quirements, lets the man proceed. The understanding
man develops as a result of this game is, don't listen
towhat she says.
The problem for the man is how to differentiate be-
tween sincere rejections and requests on the one hand,
and those that are ambivalent or merely facades on the
other hand. Since the task is difficult and since the risks
in backing off when the rejection is not real are so
grave, many men simply give up trying to make the dis-
tinction and forge ahead regardless of what the woman
says.
Women are caught in a bind because many of them
were taught that it is important to put up a show of
resistance even when they don't mean it. In rewarding
men for not listening to them, they add to the already
considerable amount of deafness in the male population.
And then they get angry because men don't take them
seriously.
 THE FANTASY MODEL OF SEX 33

This is women are the culprits in

not to suggest that
this situation. are doing what they were taught
They
was necessary, while men are doing the same. The
point is that our sexual scripts are harmful to both
men and women, making it difficult for either to be
honest and enjoy sex.
Another important characteristic of women in fan-
tasyland is that they constantly validate their lovers'
egos and sexual prowess in particular ways. They be-
have in a manner calculated to leave no doubt that their
men are the greatest sex machines in the world. From
James Baldwin's Another Country:

Her hands . . . had theirown way and grasped his

friendly body, caressing and scratching and burning.
. . . He felt a tremor in her belly, just beneath him,
as though something had broken there, and it rolled
tremendously upward, seeming to divide her breasts,
as though he had split her all her length. And she
moaned. He began to gallop her, whinnying a lit-
. . .

tle with delight. Her moans gave way to sobs and . . .

cries. Vivaldo. Vivaldo. Vivaldo. She was over the

edge. "It never happened to me before
. . . not —
like this, never."

And here is one of Henry Miller's many partners going

through her innumerable gyrations:

Moving with furious abandon, biting my lips, my

throat, my repeating like a crazed automaton,
ears,
"Go on, give it to me ... Oh God, give it, give it to
mel" She went from one orgasm to another, pushing,
thrusting, raising herself, rolling her ass . . groaning, .

grunting, squealing like a pig, and then suddenly, thor-

oughly exhausted, begging me to shoot. u Shoot it . . .

I'll go mad." I shot a wad into the mouth of her

. . .

womb that jolted her like an electric charge.

The women in the world of make-believe are always

moaning and shrieking in ecstasy, demonstrating time
and again what wonderful lovers their men are. In
pornography, they frequently lose consciousness as they
climax, the ultimate tribute to the potency of their lov-
ers. Pornography sometimes also features women who
34 MALE SEXUALITY
ejaculate (a physiological impossibility). Torrents of
"love juice" gush from the man and the woman and it
is a wonder they both don't drown.
It goes without saying that all women in the fantasy
model are multiply orgasmic through intercourse. Non-
orgasmic women exist, but only until a man who is big
enough and rough enough comes along to open them up
to the joys of sex. Women who are orgasmic only
through means other than intercourse are unheard of, a
very inadequate preparation for the realities of the
world.
That the main problem with the model of the part-
is
ner — it not a good preparation for the real world.
is

The model ignores the fact that very few women meet
the specified criteria of beauty and that even those who
do will deviate further and further from them as they
age. The standard of physical perfection influences the
types of sexual partners men choose and/or makes
them feel deficient if they end up with someone who
does not meet all the specifications.
The model also leads men to expect that women will
behave in certain ways. But what if she never shrieks
and moans in sex? What if her orgasms do not resemble
an epileptic seizure? Suppose she doesn't have an or-
gasm every time they have sex or doesn't have orgasms
in intercourse? How is the man to know that he's a
good lover? His idea of a good lover is defined by the
fantasy script. What is he to think of himself when real-
ity doesn't match the fantasy?
The stage is set for trouble. The man may feel inade-
quate and put pressure on his partner to live up to the
model. Questions are asked or implied: "How come
you don't want sex more often?" "Why don't you
make more noise (or shout obscenities)?" "Did the
earth move for you?" "Are you sure you wouldn't like
to have another orgasm?"

A man came to therapy literally dragging his wife

along. The problem according to him was that she was
multiply orgasmic with masturbation and with stimu-
lation from his hand, but she usually had only one or-
gasm in intercourse. That she was perfectly content
 THE FANTASY MODEL OF SEX 35

with this state of mattered not at all to him. He

affairs
didn't know who was at fault but he wanted one or
both of them fixed up so that she could have as many
orgasms with intercourse as with manual stimulation.
Only then would he feel adequate as a lover.

We want to make it clear that we are not saying that

anything is wrong with se, no matter
fantasies per
how unrealistic they are. If you enjoy thinking about
how life would be if you had a penis four feet wide and
ten feet long, that's fine, as is fantasizing about being
the greatest lover in the world, able to satisfy twenty
women with a single spurt. Any fantasy is fine so long
as you are aware that it is a fantasy and so long as it
does not make you feel inadequate when reality does
not conform to it.
The problem with the sexual model we are discussing
is that it is not just a fantasy, one that can be turned
on or off at will and that has little influence on be-
havior. It is rather the description of how our sexual
world "should be" and it affects our thinking, feeling,
and behavior. Many of us are unaware that the model
is indeed a fantasy, one that has little to do with

what is possible or desirable for human beings. Since we

take the script for the way things ought to be, we mea-
sure ourselves by it, striving to match its standards and
feeling badly when we don't. Instead of asking wheth-
er the model is physiologically feasible, personally
satisfying, or enhancing of ourselves and our rela-
tionships, we ask what is wrong with us for not being
able to meet its standards. And that is precisely why
this model is so destructive.
 The Fantasy
Model Continued:
The Process and
Goals of Sex
While most of us learned the same sexual model,
the specific myths affect us differently. You may be-
lieve in some with a very firm conviction, while oth-
ers may have influence on you.
little We
ask you to
read carefully, to consider if and how each myth per-
tains to you and how it affects your sexual functioning
and enjoyment.
The first two myths or rules are part of both the
fantasy model of sex and the general model of mas-
culinity taught in our culture. Their impact can be felt
in all aspects of men's lives but we focus primarily
on their influence in the sexual area.

36
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 37

Myth 1

Men Should Not Have,

or at Least Not Express,
Certain Feelings
While looking at the boats from a dock on San Fran-
cisco Bay, a four-year-old boy fell into the very cold
water. After being fished out of the water by his fa-
ther and others in the party, he was trembling, looking
very scared and like he might cry. His father patted
him on the back and loudly announced that "Billy
doesn't cry; he's a big boy."

In ways like this,and from the media, we learn

early that only a narrow range of emotion is permitted
to us: aggressiveness, competitiveness, anger, jovial-
ity, and the feelings associated with being in control.
As we grow older, sexual feelings are added to the
list. Weakness, confusion, fear, vulnerability, ten-
derness, compassion, and sensuality are allowed only
to girls and women. A boy who exhibits any such
traits is likely to be made fun of and called a sissy or
girl (and what could be more devastating?).
We learn this lesson well and there is no lack of
later reminders lest we be tempted to deviate from
the true path. To give but one example, newspapers and
commentators throughout the country questioned Ed-
mund Muskie's emotional stability because he had
shed some tears during a speech when he was cam-
paigning for the presidency. Other males who have
publicly expressed fear, deep sadness, or any other
feelings on the prohibited list have sometimes lost the
respect of their peers and themselves.
We end up either consistently denying to ourselves
that we have any of the taboo feelings or, if we do ac-
knowledge them, we are careful to hide them from oth-
ers and often worry about the consequences of being
found out. We are convinced that others will find us
unacceptable if we reveal certain feelings or qualities,
38 MALE SEXUALITY
and so we go through life blocking out huge portions
of our beings.
It is no wonder that close relationships are, at least,
very difficult for most men. Looking at the feelings
prohibited to us, we can begin to understand why we
have so much trouble relating to others. What kinds
of relationships can be built on the basis of aggressive-
ness, competitiveness, anger, sex, and joviality? How
can there be closeness without compassion, tenderness,
caring, trust, vulnerability —
all the emotions not al-
lowed for men?
The point is simple and frightening: the socializa-
tion of males provides very little that is of value in the
formation of intimate relationships.
Everyone suffers as a result of this. Women con-
stantly complain about the inexpressiveness of their
men and how this causes problems in relationships.
What women often fail to understand is that it is not a
case of stubbornness on the part of men. We simply
were not and are not given the permission to be ex-
pressive that most women were. We were not allowed
to acknowledge even to ourselves all those emotions la-
beled unmanly, which has resulted in an inability to
recognize and differentiate among them. Many times
we are aware of feeling something but, because of our
lack of experience in dealing with feelings, we don't
know exactly what we are feeling or how to find out.
And even if we do find out, we aren't sure it would be
acceptable to express the emotion.
It is often said that men don't communicate, which
is only partly true. Men can communicate very well
about certain things, like their jobs, sports, and the
state of the world. But this isn't what is meant by those
who fault men; they say men don't talk about their
feelings and hopes and problems. That is generally
true, but given what we have said, how could it be oth-
erwise? Talking about feelings and concerns is itself
considered feminine by the models we were raised on.
And when it comes to sex, what's there to communi-
cate?
In the fantasy model no one ever has much to say.
Doing it is the only thing that matters, and aside from
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 39

the "I'm going to to you" and "Do it to me harder

do it

and what could there possibly be to

faster" routine,
say? The superstuds in the model never feel fear or
concern or tenderness or warmth, they never have
problems, they never need to stop or rest. So where
can a boy or man turn for an example of emotional or
sexual communication? No place at all.
Our partners sometimes say that there is something
machinelike about our sexual behavior and that some-
thing seems to be missing. What is usually missing is
our human, feeling side: our likes and dislikes, our
tenderness and concern, our fears (breathes there a
man who has never been fearful in a sexual situation?),
and sometimes our excitement and enthusiasm as well.
Because we learned that it is not right or manly for
us to be ignorant or scared or tender, we try to hide
these feelings under a mask of aggressive sexuality,
cool confidence, or stony silence. This often backfires
in sex. Our arousal systems and our erections, as we
discuss later in greater detail, are extremely sensitive
to certain feelings, especially anxiety. What is not ex-
pressed in other ways may well be expressed by a lack
of interest or by a refusal to become or stay erect, or
by a tendency to ejaculate very quickly. The tragedy
is that often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling

that is needed to resolve the difficulty.

is all
Another problem created by this myth is that we
tend to label any positive feelings we have toward
—
another person as sexual. All of us men, women,
children —
need support, validation, physical affection,
tenderness, and the knowledge that we are loved and
wanted. Sometimes these needs can best be met
through sexual activity; many times they are best ful-
filled in other ways. But since men were not taught
to differentiate among these needs and since the needs
—
themselves are suspect for us is it really OK to want
to be held or "just" to snuggle or to want to hear that
she cares for me? —
whenever one of them presses for
expression, we assume that sex is what we want. In
sex we can get some of these other needs met without
raising any questions about our masculinity.
We often try for sex when that is not really what
40 MALE SEXUALITY
we want or need. Sometimes a hug or hearing "I love
you" is much more satisfying than sex. It is more satis-
fying because it is more relevant to our needs at
the moment. If, on the other hand, we were to go
through a complete sex act just to get that hug, we
might well end up feeling disappointed and resentful.
After all, the best way to get a hug is to get a hug. But
if getting a hug is not legitimate, we may have to try

for sex or get nothing at all. We

thus often do not get
our needs met, or go to ridiculous effort to get very
simple things. And in the process, we stay confused
about what we really want.
We miss so much by hanging on to this myth. We
miss opportunities to let our partners really know us,
and as long as we feel that parts of ourselves must nev-
er be revealed, we must constantly be on guard lest
some of our secret feelings or qualities sneak out. Be-
ing on guard all of one's life hardly seems to be the
best way to live. We miss the chance to be open about
our needs and have them met. So we go without the
support, the understanding, the physical affection, and,
in a word, the love we all want. And we overburden
sex, forcing it to meet needs that really aren't sexual.
Since, as we discuss later, our sexual systems are
fragile, they may function poorly when too much re-
sponsibility is placed on them.

Myth 2

In Sex,
As Elsewhere,
It'sPerformance
That Counts
As boys and men we are socialized in what Jay Mann
calls the three A's of manhood: Achieve, Achieve,
Achieve. We learn that it is by our performances and
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 41

productions that we will be judged. We are taught to

accept or create tasks, to focus on the goals and work
doggedly until they are reached. Nothing comes easily
or by itself; only by trying and working hard can any-
thing be accomplished. Feelings and any other factors
that might get in the way are denied or ignored.
We are good at being achievement machines. Give
us a job with a goal, some job specifications, and per-
haps a time limit, and we are in business. And it works
well in many areas; this orientation has been useful to
us in getting through school, winning games, making
money, and so forth.
The problem is that the performance ethic becomes
the only way of doing things. Rather than a useful ap-
proach appropriate to some situations, it becomes our
only approach, and, for many of us, our only way of
being. We are uncomfortable with time and situations
that are unstructured, with just letting things happen.
We feel uneasy when we do not have a goal to strive to-
ward. We have to make tasks of everything, since
we feel at ease only when we have a job to do.
It is understandable that we should bring this per-
formance orientation to sex. How else could we, given
our training, handle such an anxiety-laden experience?
And we get plenty of support from the sexual model
because, being a predominantly male enterprise, it is
about nothing so much as performance.
The goals — —
usually intercourse and orgasm are the
only important factors in make-believe sex. One does
a minimum amount of what is needed to achieve these
goals. You might have to wine and dine the woman,
say sweet nothings you don't mean, and perhaps en-
—
gage in some foreplay but you keep it to a minimum
and never lose sight of the reason you are going
through all this uninteresting activity. There is actually
little foreplay in most erotic materials, and just playing

around with each other's bodieis without any particular

goals in mind is almost unheard-of.
The point is clearly made in this joke popular during
World War II. A
soldier on leave finds his wife exposing
her breasts provocatively. "I haven't got time to chew
the fat," he says, "just time to come and go."
 .

42 MALE SEXUALITY
Throughout his work, Henry Miller offers countless
examples of goal-oriented sexuality. He goes immedi-
ately for the crotch. The fewer words and other pre-
liminaries, the better. In the following example, he is
visiting a woman he hardly knows to console her on
the death of her husband. She has asked him to sit
beside her on the couch.

Sitting there on the low sofa, the place flooded with

soft lights, her big heaving loins rubbing against me,
the Malaga pounding in my temples and all this crazy
talk about Paul and how good he was, I finally bent
over and without saying a word I raised her dress
and slipped it into her. And as I got it into her and
began to work it around she took to moaning like, a
sort of delirious, sorrowful guilt punctuated with
gasps and little shrieks of joy and anguish. . .

The preoccupation with reaching goals that is in-

duced by our performance orientation means that we
tend to ignore or not fully participate in the process of
sex (it is "only foreplay") and therefore miss out on
experiences that might well be stimulating and pleasur-
able. We miss more than we realize. The willingness
and ability to participate and "get into" the process
is precisely what makes possible a full and enjoyable
sexual response. Paradoxically, focusing on the goal to
the exclusion of what comes before it makes attain-
ment of the goal difficult or impossible.
The result of our goal orientation is an inability to
focus on the present, since we have been trained al-
ways to attend to what is in the future. The tragedy is
that even when we reach our goal —
be it intercourse,
orgasm, or something nonsexual like a certain status
or income —
we can't enjoy it because our goal orien-
tation forces us to focus on yet another goal. We can
never pay attention to where we are at the moment,
which means that it is very difficult for us to enjoy
anything.
We make work of sex. It becomes businesslike and
mechanical, another job to be done, another goal to
be achieved. As Roxie Hart says of her man in Chi-
cago, "When Amos made love it was like he was fixin'
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 43

a carburetor." Rather than seeing sex as a way for

two people to relate and have fun, and asking how
much pleasure and closeness there was, we view it as
a performance and ask how hard the erection was,
how long we lasted, and how many orgasms she had.
When problems develop we look for mechanical aids
and advice to help us do it better, much as we read
manuals on how to care for our cars and other ma-
chines. The more we do this, the further we get from
our feelings, ourselves, and our partners. The more
this happens, the better the chances that sex will be-
come boring and grim or that a dysfunction will devel-
op.
Living in an advanced technological age, it is easy
to assume that what is needed to make sex more in-
teresting and exciting is a technical solution —
a pill
or shot, a new position or partner, a better foreplay
routine, —
and so on when, in fact, in sex and all as-
pects of human relating what is really needed is the
willingness to get to know ourselves and our partners
better and to flow with or "get into" whatever contact
there is.
Preoccupation with reaching goals also means high
levels of anxiety, for anxiety is simply the fear that the
goals will not be reached. The greater the need to
achieve them, the greater the anxiety. Since anxiety
tends to block sexual interest and response, we are
caught in a bad bind: the more concerned we are
with performing well and the harder we try, the less
well things go. There is no doubt that it is this need to
perform, to do it right and reach the goals, that makes
sex so difficult for so many of us.
A last consequence of the performance ethic is that
we tend to place a high value on work and a much
lower value on pleasure. Many of us still believe deep
down that it is not quite right to be doing something
just for fun. As a result we set aside little time for
physical affection and sex. Other things — work, paying
bills, taking care of the children, doing maintenance
—
work around the house all take precedence. Sex is
usually squeezed in between these "more important"
matters. Many men engage in sex only when they are
44 MALE SEXUALITY
tired, in a hurry, or have other things on their minds.
Is it surprising that they are not quite satisfied with their
sexual experiences?
The alternative to performance orientation is easy to
state but it goes against our training and is therefore
not so easy to put into practice. Sex need not be a per-
formance. There is no right way to do it and there are
no particular goals to achieve. Sex can be whatever
you and your partner want it to be at the moment,
whatever best expresses and satisfies the two of you.
All that is needed in this regard is the expenditure of a
little time and energy to find out more about your

sexual self. The information and exercises in this book

are of course dedicated to this end.

Myth 3

The Man Must

Take Charge of and
Orchestrate Sex
I remember the first time a woman told me to relax
and do nothing, that she wanted to make love to me.
Even as I was agreeing to her proposal, I was busy
doing things to her. I wanted to comply with her re-
quest but had tremendous difficulty being passive and
letting her lead. Only then did it occur to me how
busy I was in sex. I not only conducted the band but
played all the instruments as well.

Welearned that sex was our responsibility and that

we had to do it all. We should initiate (and even if
she initiates, we still have to do the rest), we have to
turn her on, we have to turn ourselves on, we have to
lead all the way (deciding which procedures and po-
sitions should be adopted), we have to give her at
least one orgasm, and we have to produce our own or-
gasm. No need for any help from our partner, thank
you.
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 45

This myth stems from two old ideas about the na-
ture of masculinity: that being a man means being the
leader and the active one (and the concomitant fear
that not being in charge is a sign of inadequacy) ; and
that a real man needs little or nothing from a woman,
either in terms of information or stimulation.
All of this responsibility and activity are* often ex-
perienced by us as burdens but are nonetheless difficult
to relinquish because they exemplify so many of the
masculine "virtues."
This myth leads to problems in relationships since
the partner is denied the opportunity to be the initiat-
ing, active one. More and more women want to initiate
and take charge, at least someof the time, and battles
can develop when their partners refuse to let them do
so.
Another problem deriving from this myth is that
when we are so busy doing for our partners we often do
not get anything for ourselves and do not get aroused
or erect.

Jim, a man in his forties who was in a sex therapy

group because of erection problems, went on at great
length about all the things he had done for his part-
—
ner touched her there, kissed her here, rubbed her
—
somewhere else and was perplexed by his lack of
erection. When asked what she had done for him, he
was stunned. It simply had not occurred to him that
she wasn't the only one who needed to be touched and
rubbed.

That it him is understandable since our

didn't occur to
basic sexual model teaches us that men don't need
anything special to get aroused and erect. The thought
of having sex or the mere sight of a woman should be
all that is required. Only women need special attention
to "get in the mood," or so the model says.
Many men believe that they should produce their
own turn-on, that they should come to a sexual situ-
ation already excited and erect. This, they think, is
the "normal" way, while getting an erection as a result
of direct stimulation from the woman somehow indi-
cates a deficiency.
46 MALE SEXUALITY
Because of this conviction many of us, like Jim, do
not get the stimulation we need. Being more passive and
allowing our partners to stimulate us is particularly im-
portant if we have trouble getting or maintaining erec-
tions. For being more passive allows a greater focusing
of attention on the incoming stimulation, and it is just
such focuiing that can often overcome the difficulty, as
well as increase the amount of pleasure that is ex-
perienced.
Wehave also taken total responsibility for satisfy-
ing our partners. She should have an orgasm, at least
one, and we feel guilty if she doesn't. And, since we
were taught that being a man means knowing it all, we
are reluctant to ask her what we should do to help her
reach orgasm. Like Bill Cosby said: "I never thought of
her showing me, because I'm a man and I don't want
—
her to show me I don't want nobody to show me, but
."
I wish somebody would kinda slip me a note. . .

Welook everywhere for that note. We

read books, at-
tend speeches, and talk to doctors and therapists to find
out how to satisfy a woman. We
look everywhere but
the one place where we might get the answer the —
woman herself. We
are afraid to ask what she likes be-
cause such an admission of ignorance might raise ques-
tions about our manhood. After all, we should know
what to do; the men in erotic literature and film don't
have to ask their partners what turns them on, they
just know.
What we need to learn is that there is no way to
know in advance what will please a partner. All women
are different and even the same woman will have dif-
ferent desires at different times. No matter how ex-
perienced we are and no matter how many books we
have read, we are going to have to learn from her, just
as she will need to learn from us what we like. We need
to understand that a good lover is not one who already
knows what to do (since such knowledge is simply not
available beforehand) but one who is open to learning
about his partner's needs and desires. If the informa-
tion we desire is not spontaneously offered, we need to
learn to ask for it.
It would also benefit men tremendously to under-
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 47

stand that we have taken on too much responsibility in

sex. Partner sex by definition is a two-person venture
and it is a bit presumptuous for one of the parties to
assume that he has to take charge of, and be account-
able for, everything that happens. Women want to share
in what happens — in fact, one of the major complaints
women have about men in sex is their unwillingness to
share more of the responsibility and themselves. It's
really not true that you have to do it all by yourself.

Myth 4
A Man Always
Wants and Is Always
Ready to Have Sex
Erotic materials portray men as always wanting and
always ready to have sex, the only problem being how
to get enough of it. We have accepted this rule for
ourselves and most of us believe that we should always
be capable of responding sexually regardless of the
time and place, our feelings about ourselves and our
partners, or any other factors. We have thus accepted
the status of machines, performing whenever the right
button is pushed.
Most of us have acknowledged a woman's right to
say no to sex (even if it made us angry and we tried
to change her mind, it was still her right) and to set con-
ditions as to when and how she would have sex with us.
But we have been unable to take these rights for our-
selves, to recognize that sometimes we are simply not
interested in sex, and that sex is better for us under
certain conditions than under others. We work very
hard to live up to this myth of perpetual readiness and
severely berate ourselves and wonder why we are in-
adequate when we do not function according to plan.
It is not a question of adequacy. We simply are not
sex machines and we cannot function as the fantasy
48 MALE SEXUALITY
model demands we do. Our sexual systems are highly
complex, influenced by many factors and vulnerable to
many kinds of interference. Just as each of us has a
particular constellation of circumstances that allows us
to do our best creative or productive work, and sets of
conditions under which we carry out such necessary
operations as digestion, elimination, and relaxation, we
each also have a set of conditions that maximizes the
probability of a full and satisfying sexual response.
When these conditions are not fulfilled or at least ap-
proximated, we function poorly or not at all.
This is a hard pill for most of us to swallow since it
runs counter to the deeply held conviction that a man is
always capable sexually and that only women need
conditions to be right. After all, the men in sexual fan-
tasyland can do it anytime, any place, and with any-
body. And we were also told that a man is one who is
not deterred by adverse conditions; he grits his teeth
and pushes on, bowling over or in some other way over-
coming obstacles and difficulties. While this procedure
may work in some areas, in sex it works not at all, for
here the harder one tries, the less enjoyment and arousal
there is.
While the idea of sexual conditions takes some get-
ting used to (as does the related idea that sometimes
you just aren't going to be interested), it's definitely
worth the effort. Acceptance of these ideas is directly
related to how much you get out of sex.

Myth 5

All Physical Contact

Must Lead to Sex
Physical contact in the fantasy model serves only as a
request or demand for, or a prelude to, sex. Cuddling,
hugging, kissing, holding, caressing, and other types of
physical affection that do not lead to sex are completely
r THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 49

absent in pornography and rarely encountered in any

erotic material. Touching is always portrayed as the first
step toward sex. It is not seen as something valuable
or pleasurable in its own right; it is useful only to the
extent that it paves the way to a presumably grander
event.
These beliefs about touching affect men much more
strongly than women. There is a greater tolerance for
females of all ages to touch and want to be touched.
A girl or woman can ask for a hug, or to be held, with-
out much hindrance (although some men are likely to
get angry if she doesn't want to go further). But can
you imagine a man asking "only" to be held and seri-
ously meaning it? A
lot of people would think that
very strange. We are taught that only two types of
physical contact are appropriate for males. One is ag-
gressive and includes not only the rough contact in
sports and fighting but also the mock violence men often
display with one another (as when friends greet each
other with a playful slap or punch). And the other is
sexual. Physical contact that is neither sexual nor ag-
gressive is truly a no-man's-land. According to what
we were taught, it really isn't OK
for a man to want
only a hug or a caress.
The idea that touching is sexual is so deeply in-
grained in us that many men refuse to engage in any
physical contact whatsoever unless it is going to lead to
sex. They think they are being considerate, not want-
ing to tease or, in the words of one man we worked
with, "not wanting to start something I can't finish." A
common phenomenon in couples where the men are
experiencing sexual problems is the complete absence
of any touching: no hugging, no kissing, and, often,
sleeping at opposite sides of the bed.
As we discuss later, the myth that touching must
lead to sex is harmful to everyone, but particularly to
men since we have been most powerfully affected by it.
It robs us of the joys of "just" touching, it confuses us
as to what we really want at any given time, and it puts
pressure on us to be sexual whenever we touch or are
touched.
 —
50 MALE SEXUALITY

Myth 6

Sex Equals Intercourse

Both men and women learned that the main thing in
sex is intercourse, and for most of us the two terms

are synonymous. This is hardly surprising since almost

all resources that deal with sex — medical books, text-
books, popular books and articles, as well as erotic
materials —treat sex and intercourse as if they were the
same thing. Kissing, hugging, and manual and oral stim-
ulation of the genitals are all fine, but mainly as prelimi-
naries to the ultimate goal: intercourse. The very term
—
we use to describe these other activities foreplay
clearly indicates their lowly status relative to intercourse.
They are presumably important only as means to that
main event.
The
extent to which this myth pervades our culture
can be measured by its place in the thinking of serious
and intelligent sex therapists and researchers. Even
Masters and Johnson show little understanding in their
three books that real sex can be anything but inter-
course.
In the past, when the goal of sex was conception,
intercourse was absolutely necessary. You can't make
babies without it. But times have changed and these
days the goal of most sexual encounters is recreation
rather than procreation. There is no longer any good
reason why a sexual experience has to end in or in-
clude intercourse, unless that is what the participants
desire.
This means that there is no "normal" or "natural"
way for sex to proceed. There are always many
choices that can be made regarding what is to be
done, when, and how. And this, as the following story
demonstrates, can be unnerving.

During the first few years that I was sexually active,

I sometimes wondered about how homosexuals de-
cided what to do in sex. I had a reasonably accurate
idea of what they did, but it was unclear how they
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 51

went about organizing what was to happen in a given

encounter. They had so many possibilities to choose
from and no normal or regular way like we heterosexu-
als did. I knew that heterosexual sex usually more or
less followed the same routine: kissing and hugging,
playing with her breasts and then between her legs,
putting my finger in her vagina (no one seemed to
know about the clitoris in those days) and then, either
because of a signal from her or because I felt like it,
insertion and intercourse. This was just the way it was
supposed to be. I occasionally engaged in oral or
manual stimulation to orgasm but only when circum-
stances were not conducive for intercourse. So I
knew how the game was to be played and was
certain that all other heterosexuals did it just the way
I did. But I imagined that each homosexual encounter
was preceded by a long negotiating session in which
the partners decided who would do what, and in
which order. What I didn't realize until years later was
that I actually had as many options as they did but,
because of the myth of coital primacy (sex must in-
clude intercourse), I wasn't able to see them. This
realization was less of a thrill than you might imagine
because it brought up the possibility of communicat-
ing with my partners about what I wanted and what
they wanted, something I had little experience with,
and that made me somewhat uncomfortable. I was
barely secure in doing sex the "normal way"; the last
thing I needed was the possibility of making choices
and having to talk about my desires.

You may be wondering why we're making such an

issue about this myth. Does it make any differ-
really
ence if you use sex and intercourse synonymously or, in
behavioral terms, think that every sexual act should
include intercourse? The answer is yes, it makes a great
deal of difference.
Belief in this myth can prevent us from discovering
what we like.

For many years, while I enjoyed all kinds of sexual

stimulation, I always insisted on "finishing" (coming)
inside a vagina. I just "knew" that this was the best
way. I was quite surprised when I finally allowed
myself to climax with other types of stimulation. I
enjoyed a sense of being done to or being taken care
52 MALE SEXUALITY
I rarely got with intercourse, and I found that
of that
have the most explosive orgasms through hand
I
stimulation. Of course, explosive orgasms and being
taken care of are not the only things I want from
sex, and intercourse is better at providing some of
the other things I want. But now that I know what
leads to what, I feel I have more options and can
better choose one that will fit my wants at the mo-
ment.

Even if we know what we want, this myth can pre-

vent us from getting it. Many men wonder what their
partners will think if they say they are more interested
in manual or oral stimulation than intercourse.
Because this myth defines intercourse as the goal and
most important part of sex, it reinforces our perfor-
mance orientation and makes it difficult for us to enjoy
other parts of a sexual experience. Many men, when
asked how it felt to touch their partners or be touched
by them, have said that they didn't know because they
were so busy thinking about getting to intercourse. In
this way we rob ourselves of pleasure and of fully ex-
periencing the stimulation necessary for an enjoyable
sexual response.
Men are not the only ones hurt by this myth. Women
who do not reach orgasm through intercourse but who
—
respond best to manual or oral stimulation and there
are many such women —
are put under tremendous
pressure by the idea that intercourse is the "normal"
way to have makes it difficult for them to tell
sex. It
what they need. And we often feel that
their partners
something must be wrong either with the woman or
with us because she doesn't respond the "right" way.
We hope that what we have said will not be taken as
an argument against intercourse. Intercourse can be a
wonderful way of having sex. But it is only one way of
relating sexually, rather than the only way, and at any
given time it may not be the best or most appropriate.
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 53

Myth 7

Sex Requires an Erection

This is a corollary of the preceding myth since inter-
course is the one sexual act that is impossible without
an erection (this is a bit of an overstatement since it is
possible to get a flaccid penis into a vagina, but it's not
all that easy to do and it certainly doesn't conform to the
usual meaning of intercourse). The fantasy model goes
even further, however. It teaches that any kind of sex
requires an erection.
The erection is considered by almost all men as the
star performer in the drama of sex, and we all know
what happens to a show when the star performer
doesn't make an appearance. The whole show is can-
celled or, to be a bit more accurate, the planned per-
formance gives way to an impromptu tragedy, replete
with wailing and self-blaming, usually ending with
everyone feeling miserable. The woman may blame her-
self ("I'm not attractive or sexy enough to turn him
on") or be thoroughly confused as to why her partner
is so furious with himself. The man, angry and con-
fused, may apologize profusely to no constructive pur-
pose, start a fight with her, or go into a fit of sulking
which can last hours or even days.
This myth puts tremendous pressure on the man and
places him in an extremely vulnerable position. He
thinks he absolutely must have an erection, he knows
he can't control his penis, and he's also aware that
there's no way to fake an erection or hide the lack of
one. A most interesting situation, to say the least. We
doubt that there is a man anywhere who has not won-
dered, right in the middle of some enjoyable sex play,
if his penis was going to come through for him this

time, and quivered at the prospect of its not doing so.

Of course erections are nice and we have nothing
against them. Penises were designed to get hard and
they usually do when your conditions are fulfilled. But
54 MALE SEXUALITY
sometimes they don't and you need to be able to take
such situations in stride. The problem with this myth
is that it creates too much pressure and it is precisely
this desperate need to get an erection that makes erec-
tions difficult to get or maintain.
You need to learn that all is not lost when you don't
have an erection. The penis is not the only sexual part
of your body. You can do wonderful things for your
lover with other parts of your body and you can enjoy
her touching other parts of your body. A penis that is
not hard can still feel very good when stimulated, and
you might want to give this a try. Regardless of which
particular options you choose, the main point is that
lack of erection need not mean a miserable time. The
experience can still be close, warm, and fun. Neither
erection nor intercourse is necessary. Even if you are
unwilling to give up the idea that an erect penis is the
star of a sexual performance, we want to remind you
that every star has an understudy, and understudies
have been known to do very well when given a chance.
And, as you will see, the less important erections
become, the less it matters to you whether or not you
have one, the more abundant they become. Erections
flourish best in a relaxed setting, where there is no
pressure for anything in particular to happen.

Myth 8

Good Sex Is a Linear

Progression of Increasing
Excitement Terminated
Only by Orgasm (The Myth
of the Hard-Driving Fuck)
This myth is actually composed of several different
ideas. The first holds that sex should be a process of
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 55

continuously increasing excitement and passion. Wheth-

er the act lasts for minutes or hours, the arousal must
continue to build. This notion is typical in erotic ma-
terials.
Because of this myth, the idea that sex can be lei-
surely, with breaks for resting, laughing, or
talking,
whatever, is foreign to many men. Some of us feel that
there is something inherently wrong with a leisurely
approach to sex, thinking that it connotes a lack of pas-
sion, spontaneity, or masculine vigor.
Here, as with all the myths, there is pressure to per-
form in ways that may be totally inappropriate to the
circumstances. This idea overlooks a basic fact of hu-
man psychology, namely that attention and arousal can-
not be maintained at very high levels for long periods
of time and that as a result there is a natural tendency
for them to wax and wane. The same is true of erec-
tions: they, too, may wax and wane during a sexual
experience, especially as we get further away from our
adolescence. But we are not always aware of this, so
when we notice our arousal level or our erections sub-
siding, we panic and try to reestablish the excitement
or erection. Such frantic efforts usually end in failure, for
neither arousal nor erection can be coerced. How much
better if we could just stop and cuddle or rest for a while.
Belief in this myth often gets in the way of develop-
ing better ejaculatory control. Such control is relatively
easy to develop if the man is willing to stop stimulation
when it gets very intense, resuming when the urge to
ejaculate has subsided. But this myth makes no provi-
sion for stopping during sex.

John, a member of a sex therapy group for men

wanting to develop ejaculatory control, had achieved
good control with masturbation exercises. When I
suggested it was time for him to employ the stop-start
method in sex with his partner, he was astonished.
He couldn't believe that I wanted him to stop during
sex with his partner. Not being able to convince me
that the idea was absurd, he turned to the female
co-leader and asked indignantly: "What would you
think if a man you were making love to said he wanted
to stop . . right in the middle of things?!"
.
56 MALE SEXUALITY
The outcome of John's story is illuminating. After
much hard work by the group leaders, he agreed to use
the stop-start method with his partner, but only be-
cause it seemed necessary to resolve his long-standing
problem of premature ejaculation. He followed
through and gradually developed good control with her.
To his great surprise, he found that he very much
enjoyed this more leisurely approach to sex. Sex became
a more relaxing and satisfying experience for him,
and what began as a distasteful but necessary solution
to a problem became an integral part of his sexual be-
havior. Other men have reported similar stories. Once
they found that sex didn't have to follow any specific
progression, they were free to discover the ways that
best suited their partners and themselves.
Another part of this myth is that sex is wild and un-
controlled. This process is illustrated by the following
selection from Harold Robbins:

/ don't know how it happened but she was in my

arms. Then it was like an atomic fire searing through
us. We couldn't wait to get at each other. Our
clothes made a trail up the stairs to the bedroom. We
fellnaked on the bed, tearing at each other like rag-
ing animals. Then we exploded and fell backward on
the bed, gasping for breath.

According to this scenario, someone must be out of

control but it need not be the man and, in fact, he often
is exactly the opposite. This makes sense because men
have forever been taught the virtue of keeping their
wits about them and not letting their feelings get the
best of them. But since the fantasy model demands
something or someone wild with passion, the role is of-
ten assigned to the woman.
Lust without limits is what the sexual model is
about. Desire flows in torrents, sweeping everything in
its path, and the exuberance frequently verges on or
becomes violent. This is the realm of the hard-driving
fuck, where better means harder and rougher. From
Joyce Elbert's Crazy Ladies: "He was much bigger
than Peter and he rammed it into her with such force
that she screamed out in delicious agony. ..." re- A
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 57

curring feature of the model is a situation where the

woman tells the man that whatever he's doing hurts
and then warms up to it and begs him to continue hurt-
ing her.
From the novelized version of the film The Devil in
Miss Jones comes this sterling example:

"Just hold there for a minute. . . . Yes, put it

there. . . .
it

Oh god, oh, Jesus, I can't take it No, do —

it, it hurts, but do it. Do it now, do it more. . . . Ahh,
it hurts, hurt me... faster . . • hurt me . • . hurt me
. . . hurt me... HURT ME!"
This is a wonderful world indeed, where pain and
pleasure are the same and where being pounded and
split apart are delicious.
With all the grinding and slamming and banging
portrayed in the media, and with the absence of good
examples of more tender lovemaking, it is not surpris-
ing that many men think of sex as a rough-and-tough
business, and that they will be most appreciated if they
pummel the hell out of their partners. Since women in
fantasyland are always grateful to the most aggressive
and even violent lovers, and since there is a clear impli-
cation that a man who cannot brutalize a woman is
something less than a man, there is considerable pres-
sure for a man to restrain his more tender expressions
of affection and give free rein to his more aggressive
tendencies.
Aside from the violent parts of things, we should
also consider the imperative, driven, and mindless way
in which passion is presented. Here is an example from
a recent sex manual called Sexual Loving by Joseph
and Lois Bird:

Ideally, the husband enters the wife when the sex

drive of both is near its peak. . . And at this intensi- .

ty, sexual actions become very self-centered. They

are imperative. His overwhelming desire is to pene-
trate her fully. Her desire is to be penetrated. At that
moment each becomes an almost totally sensual be-
ing. Nearly all sensations are concentrated in or —
related to —
the aroused genitals in the flood of . . .

sexual sensations we tend to shut out everything else.

58 MALE SEXUALITY
Even what would be uncomfortable or painful under
other circumstances goes unnoticed in those seconds
. the concern and awareness which were dominant
. .

during the preceding lovemaking give way, in large

part, to the imperious demands of self-satisfaction.

There is nothing wrong with this kind of sex and

most people have probably experienced something like
it (although we hope you realized that the business

about penetration is only another way of saying that

sex equals intercourse). But this is just one kind of sex,
though it is usually portrayed as the only kind. Sex need
not be so driven, so urgent, so mindless, so focused in
the genitals. In fact, it seems that real sex is only rarely
this way. Usually it is simply not so imperious or
"spaced out." Sex can proceed in a more leisurely, gen-
tler fashion, with irrelevant thoughts floating through
your mind, with awareness of things other than your
genitals, and with no overwhelming desire to do any-
thing at all. And such experiences can be very pleasur-
able and certainly need not be cause for worry because
you were not consumed by passion. What's so wonder-
ful about being consumed, anyway?
Auniversal rule of make-believe sex, and the last
part of this myth we're discussing, is that it must end
in at least one, but preferably more, orgasms for every-
one. And these are no ordinary orgasms. They are
raging, exploding, and earthshaking. From Norman
Mailer's American Dream:

I could not hold back, there was an explosion, furi-

ous, treacherous and hot as the gates of an icy
slalom with the speed at my heels overtaking my
nose, I had one of those splittings of a second where
the senses fly out and there in that instant the itch
reached into me and drew me out and I jammed up
her ass and came as if Vd been flung across the room.

We don't understand what he said either, except that it

was quite a jolt. Here's a tender thought from Mickey
Spillane's The Last Cop Out:

All she wanted was for him to enjoy, to take, to

spend, to rise to the heights of screaming physical
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 59

pleasure where everything becomes blanked out in

those nerve-shattering waves of orgiastic abandon-
ment that left the body spasm-wracked and helpless.

One wonders how anyone could survive all this

nerve-shattering, crushing violence.
Orgasms need not be explosive or violent to be part
of fantasyland. In this passage, D. H. Lawrence pro-
vides the romantic version of unrealistic expectations:

Oh, and far down inside her the deeps parted and
rolled asunder, in long, far-travelling billows, and ever,
at the quick of her, the depths parted and rolled
asunder . . as the plunger went deeper and deeper,
.

touching lower, and she was deeper and deeper and

deeper disclosed, and heavier the billows of her
rolled away to some shore, uncovering her . . and
.

further and further rolled the waves of herself away

from herself, leaving her, till suddenly, in a soft, shud-
dering convulsion, the quick of all her plasm was
touched . the consummation was upon her, and she
. .

was gone. She was gone, she was not, and she was
born: a woman.

There are no ordinary, run-of-the-mill orgasms in

most erotic materials. Every orgasm is explosive, body-
wrenching and/or mind-blowing, and even better than
the one before. Needless to say, such is not the way it is
in the real world. But many of us take the fantasy as our
goal and spare no effort to achieve the ultimate orgasm
for ourselves or our partners. Compared to the fantasy,
realorgasms can feel rather humdrum.
But there is much more to the orgasm story than
that. Even if we do not believe in the fantasy type of
orgasm, most of us are wedded to the idea that every
sexual event must culminate in some kind of orgasm for
our partners and most definitely for ourselves. Well,
maybe not quite as far as she is concerned. We know a
woman may not have an orgasm every time. But a
man must beyond any doubt have a climax in every
sex act. Otherwise, as is well known, he will suffer the
painful and crippling conditions known as "blue balls"
and "lover's nuts." At least that's what we were taught.
Actually, there is no good reason why a man must
 ,

60 MALE SEXUALITY
have an orgasm every time he has sex. Despite the high
school horror stories about blue balls and lover's nuts,
they are rare conditions. They can be painful but they
usually don't last very long. But because of the in-
fluence of those stories and because our sexual model
presents almost no cases of men who do not ejaculate
every time they have sex, we are convinced that we
must come every time, no matter how much we have
to work to make it happen.
Sometimes it becomes
clear that an orgasm is not go-
ing to occur, at least not without great effort. But how
many of us have toiled on anyway, frantically grabbing
at our partners and every conceivable fantasy in a
desperate attempt to come? Why not just stop when
we are still feeling good? Orgasms can be wonder-
ful, as can hard-driving fucks, but they are not always
necessary or the best way to go. The same can be said
of passionate, nonstop sex. It can be nice. But there is
also something to be said for a gentler, nonlinear, less
lustful approach.

Myth 9
Sex Should Be
Natural and Spontaneous
Most of us believe that good sex should somehow
just happen. The following quotation from Peter
Benchley's The Deep well illustrates this notion. The par-
ticipants met for the first time only a few hours earlier.

After lunch, they played tennis. . • . After tennis,

they swam, had dinner, went for a walk on the
beach, and then —
as naturally as if the act were the
—
next event in the day's athletic schedule made noisy
sweaty love in Gail's bungalow.

fantasy model teaches that sex is natural. There

The
may be a need for initiation with an experienced part-
ner, and we can always learn some new tricks, but
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 61

basically we need do only what comes naturally.

There should be no necessity for learning any skills,
talking about sex, or taking any corrective measures, for
there is nothing to learn and nothing to correct.
In our complex modern society, where everything
seems so difficult and artificial, we yearn for some-
thing simple and spontaneous that requires no thought
or conscious effort. What is more natural than wanting
sex to be natural? One man we worked with echoed
the sentiments of many when he said: "Why do I
have to learn about my feelings and conditions? It
seems so artificial. I should just be able to do it!" Why
can't sex be natural?
Perhaps sex would be more natural and spontaneous
if we had not been taught how not to be natural and

spontaneous. Perhaps sex would be different for us had

we not been bombarded with sexual restrictions, in-
accuracies, unrealistic expectations, and double mes-
sages all of our lives. We really don't know. But we
do know that we were taught about sex from the day we
were born. We learned not only from the types of
sources cited in this and the preceding chapter, but also
from the way our parents touched us; from their re-
actions to our explorations of our own bodies; from
their response to our game of "doctor" with the girl
next door; from the way our parents related to each oth-
er; and from the images of men and women in the media.
Unfortunately, our learnings made us confused,
conflicted, and nervous about the whole subject. Much
of what we learned doesn't work or doesn't satisfy us.
Talking about natural sex or "just doing it" makes little
sense when all this is taken into account.
If natural is taken to mean without learning, sex will
never be natural for us. As pointed out in Chapter 2,
sex in humans and many other animals is largely a
product of learning. Learning cannot be eliminated, but
inaccurate and unsatisfying knowledge can be replaced
by learning better suited to our needs.
"Spontaneity" and "passion," though having defini-
tions quite different from "natural," are often used in a
similar sense, implying a lack of preparation or learn-
ing. People often talk of spontaneous or passionate
62 MALE SEXUALITY
events as if they came out of nowhere, with absolutely
no premeditation, training, or preparation. Although
such usage has wide currency, it is in error. All acts of
adults —whether the artistry of a Van Gogh, Rubin-
stein, or Nureyev, the grace and "naturalness" of great
athletes, the ways we relate to one another —all of these
are the result of years and years of training and prepa-
ration. It is so easy to overlook the tremendous amount
of training and learning, of objectification and routine,
and of sheer boring effort, that make any "spontane-
ous" action possible. Spontaneity and passion are not
the result of knowing nothing and preparing nothing.
Rather, they result from knowing the skills so well that
you have forgotten them as skills; they have simply
become part of you. Then, when an appropriate situation
occurs, they come into play without thought or effort.
The problem with the naturalness myth is that it can
get in the way of taking the steps necessary to get the
type of sex life you want. Some men find it easier to sit
around and bemoan their fate than to do something
about it. Your sexual discontent is a product not of
what you are but rather of what you learned. That
learning can be moved aside to make way for a more
satisfying sexual expressiveness.

Our last myth is not a product of the fantasy model.

It is a recent idea inspired by the sexual revolution.

Myth 10
In This Enlightened
Age, the Preceding Myths
No Longer Have
Any Influence on Us
Surely, many people say, in these days of increased
openness about sex and wider availability of accurate
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 63

information, the old sexual model must be losing its

hold on people. It must be in the process of being re-
placed by saner and more realistic models.
It would give us great pleasure to agree with such
statements but, unfortunately, they don't seem to be
true. In many ways the pressure on men (and on
women as well) is becoming worse.
Much of the explicitness of recent film and fiction
serves only to give more detailed presentations of the
same old myths, thus creating even more pressure than
before to do it right. The old myths die slowly. You
need only go to one pornographic film to check this
out.
And a lot of nonsense is coming from people who
one might hope would know better. In the old days,
the experts were saying that sex, or too much sex, or
certain kinds of sex, wasn't healthy. Now, in a complete
about-face, many are saying you can't live, or live well,
without it.Albert Ellis devotes the entire first chapter
of his book Sex and the Liberated Man to the disad-
vantage of sexual abstinence. Ellis, like so many sex
educators and therapists, is in the business of selling
sex. He tries to make a case that abstinence will impair
your physical and emotional health, your future sexual
adequacy (presumably you might forget how to do it),
and, aside from all this, "it also has grave social disad-
vantages." In support of his views he cites a number of
authorities, including that well-known sex expert, Henry
Miller. And, lest you still haven't been convinced,
Ellis says interesting things like the following:

But voluntary abstinence remains an unnecessary

evil. Accept that misery, and you seem off your rock-
er. You'd better see a psychologist, fast, than keep
afflicting yourself with that kind of nonsense.

That Ellis and others of his kind are for sex rather
than against it may seem liberated, but it's only a
modern version of tyranny. Their stance in favor of sex
is as rigid as that of the people who used to be against
sex and, in fact, their arguments and hysterical tone
are remarkably similar.
64 MALE SEXUALITY
Sex, we are told in many articles and books, is good
for you. It's good exercise, a wonderful way of losing
weight, the best way to get to know others, and, well,
it's good for you. The result is pressure to get into
just
sex, whether or not you feel ready for it or interested
in it. Just so long as you do it. We fail to see how
freedom has been increased.
Group sex and open relationships have become chic
in recent years, thus following the road paved in erotica
where almost everyone has multiple partners and where
in each work there is at least one scene in which sex is
done in threesomes, foursomes, hordes, or whole vil-
lages. This is fine for people who like their sex com-
munally, but many are feeling that they ought to do it
even if they don't want to.
While we're on the subject of current fads, we should
mention the resurgence of sado-masochism (S&M),
also called bondage and discipline (B&D). Violence
and brutality are regular fixtures in erotic material and
are currently being peddled as methods for the en-
hancement of your sexual enjoyment. A recent publi-
cation, called S-M: The Last Taboo, argues for a repeal
of the prohibition. Apparently the authors, and others,
feel that there shouldn't be any prohibitions on be-
havior. That way we could all feel free to punch out
—
anyone we don't like or do like, as the case may be.
In any event, it now appears that you're somewhat
square if you haven't
at least tied someone to a bed.
with it, of course, you gave them a few
If you're really
smacks while they were helpless. All in the name of
pleasure and liberation.
Much of the new pressure on men has to do with the
scientific discovery of multiple orgasms in women. The
phenomenon of multiple orgasms was a regular feature
of pornography for over a hundred years but it became
a big issue only after Masters and Johnson reported
in 1966 that some women in their laboratory had ex-
perienced multiple orgasms with self-stimulation. Their
data have been distorted and exaggerated almost be-
yond recognition. The message most commonly heard
now that all women have this capacity and it should
is
be exercised every time they have sex. Guess who is
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 65

supposed to produce all these orgasms (that's right:

you) and how (right again: through intercourse).
Gail Sheehy, in her book Passages, provides a good
example of this viewpoint. Although she is aware of the
tremendous burden we place on erections, she is so en-
meshed in the idea that sex equals intercourse that the
best she can do is approvingly cite an example of how
a woman can help a man insert a soft or partially erect
penis into her vagina. Hard or soft, it just has to go in
there. Throughout her chapter on sex, she indicates
not the slightest understanding that sex can consist of
anything other than penis-in-vagina.
And once it's in there, the man's task is very clear
according to Sheehy: to bring his partner "to ecstasy
again and again" or, put slightly differently, "through
an ascending chain of orgasms." All we can make of
this is there is an ascending chain of pressure and re-
sponsibility being put on men and women to act in
certain ways, all of them rooted in the fantasy model
of sex.
Our last example is perhaps the most tragic, for it
comes from a therapist who has worked with men and
professes sympathy for them. In his Hazards of Being
Male, Herb Goldberg is appalled by statistics indicating
that men in their forties spend more time shaving than
having intercourse. "Surely, the male is cheating him-
self of a vital joy and is entitled to reclaim his full
share of the primal pleasures of sex." In other words,
you should spend more time in bed and perhaps less
time shaving. The idea that men may be having as
much sex as they want seems not to have occurred to
him.
But this is only the beginning. Goldberg then goes on
to something he calls fusion sex.

The experience of fusion sex is one of an intense,

totally un-s elf conscious sexual coming together during
which the male is not focusing on or aware of having
sex per se but is simply a part of a wholly spontane-
ous, ecstatic union or fusion with the female, one that
often brings him to tears of joy.
In fusion sex there is the phenomenon of a seem-
ingly endless potency, lasting sometimes for an entire
66 MALE SEXUALITY
weekend or several days during which time he remains
in bed making love continually. Men who have re-
ported fusion sex to me describe the phenomenon of
ejaculating and then almost immediately becoming
erect again. They may have as many as twelve to
fifteen orgasms during a weekend's experience of fu-
sion sex.

You're right if you think this sounds familiar. Aside

from the tears of joy, it differs littlefrom the examples
of fantasy sex we quoted earlier. But now it is coming
under the guise of social science.
Fusion sex is merely old nonsense with a new label.
We don't question the fact that it can happen, but such
experiences are rare and cannot be trained for or
planned. What's the point of writing about them? Sure-
ly we already have enough unrealistic expectations, All
that Goldberg and others who write of such things ac-
complish is to convince many men that they really
aren't getting as much out of sex as they should, and
they therefore should try harder, or try more things, or
else feel bad about all the joy they're supposedly miss-
ing.
We we have said enough to help you realize
trust
that the old model of sex is very much with us today. It
may now be called liberation or freedom but it's still
the same old junk. What's sadly missing is any sense of
perspective on the role of sex in the lives of human
beings and any understanding of what freedom means.
Sex is not the most important thing in the world and it
is not necessarily good for you. Only the individual can
decide how and where sex should fit into his life, if at
all.

Freedom to be obliged to have sex is no freedom at

all and, in fact, is a contradiction. The same is true for
having to have sex in certain ways or under conditions
set by outside authorities. True freedom means the free-
dom to do or not do as you please, to not have sex
as well as to have it, and to have it in circumstances
of your own choosing. Freedom may be a wonderful
goal for humans to aspire to, but we seem little closer to
it in the sexual area than we were fifty years ago.
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 67

The chief difficulty with the fantasy model of sex is

that establishes standards for the way things ought
it

to be, standards that ignore individual differences and

that are highly unrealistic, thus setting the stage for
disappointment and frustration when reality doesn't
match the model. Ralph Keyes, in his excellent study
of the influence of high school, Is There Life After High
School?, makes the point succinctly: "Adult reality
generally can't top our high school fantasies. Or match
them. Or even come close. In fact, compared with high
school's aspirations, sexual reality can really be a drag."
High school aspirations are, of course, made up pri-
marily of the fantasy model.
So many times, for both men and women, the reac-
tion to their first sexual experience with a partner is:
"Is that all there is to it?" Compared to the fantasies
and expectations, it often isn't much. It takes time to
adjust to reality and give up the unrealizable expecta-
tions. Some of us manage the transition with relative
ease, although it is never easy, but many of us have
great difficulty letting go of the fantasy.
We strive mightily to play the role we learned. We
believe that there is some way of achieving the stan-
dards of the model, of having superhuman sex. Some-
how, there's got to be a way. And we believe that
everyone else knows the secret and is enjoying sexual
delights we can barely imagine. So we get angry with
ourselves and our partners for not being able to make
the magic happen.
Despite our anger and despite whatever remedies we
try, the disappointment often remains and even deep-
ens. For in our search for the impossible, we forget the
obvious and the important. We forget that in human
events there are no right ways, no external scripts that
will make us happy. We forget about ourselves, about
discovering what we are about, about our own sexuality
and the best ways of expressing it. In straining to make
reality match our expectations, we lose contact with our-
selves and our partners, robbing ourselves of any joy-
ful experience. In our intentness to make sex better, we
forget that sex is only a small part of life. We focus on
68 MALE SEXUALITY
ittoo much, not putting enough time and energy into
other aspects of relating, thus cheating ourselves of op-
portunities to relate in ways that might bring us much
satisfaction.

Are we then saying that there is no way of enhancing

your sexuality, of making sex a more comfortable and
joyful experience than it has been? Not really, but we
are suggesting that changing your sex life may not lie
in the direction you think. What is needed is not more
exotic practices, techniques, or equipment, but rather a
willingness to let go of the sexual script you learned
and to create new ones that are more relevant to you.
Will this, then, lead to passion-filled sex and the ulti-
mate orgasm? Probably not. But it can lead to sex that
accurately reflects your values, your body, and your
personality —your self. Sex, like everything else, is
limited in what it is and what it can produce. The secret,
however, is not to try to increase its yield by adding
more partners and equipment, but to "get into" and
participate fully in whatever sexual expressions and ac-
tivities seem appropriate to you. Such experiences are
more likely to occur when you are aware of your
sexual needs and wants and able to get them.
You may be in a place where "working on sex" to
develop some new ways of thinking and acting seems
appropriate. This "work" will not always be exciting. It
may be boring at times and you may find yourself
wondering if sex is becoming too mechanical or rou-
tine, or if you are being too self-conscious about it. It
may be this way for a while.
What you need to keep in mind is that your training
or work time need not be long. How long depends on a
number of factors, but most of all on how much time
you are willing to give each week. For most of the men
we've worked with, a few hours a week for seven to ten
weeks has been sufficient.
The process of acquiring new sexual skills is similar
most other skills. You may remember that
to learning
when you were learning some skills that you are now
proficient in —such as driving a car, playing tennis,
talking to women —you were extremely self-conscious.
 THE FANTASY MODEL CONTINUED 69

You were continually wondering what to talk about or

what do with your hands or feet. But if you per-
to
severed you reached a point where you forgot about
your hands and feet and what to say. You could just
get into the activity in a way that others called spon-
taneous. The same thing happens in learning sexual
skills. At first there may be some confusion, routine,
and self-consciousness. But as you learn the details,
you forget them. They become part of you and you be-
come free to get more involved in the activity. Then
you are open to real spontaneity and abandon.
 Where Are You Now?
Before you can start changing and growing sexually, it
is necessary to examine where you are starting from.
This may sound so obvious as to not warrant discussion,
but it's unfortunately true that many people who want
to change have only the foggiest notion of where they
are and where they want to go.
One of the most important lessons to be learned
from the remarkable success of the behavior therapies,
of which sex therapy is the most successful stepchild,
is that the probability of producing change is directly

related to, first, a detailed assessment of your current

situation and, second, the delineation of specific goals
to be achieved. It is, of course, much easier to say
something vague about wanting to be happy or to have
a better sex life, but the chances of reaching such goals
are slim indeed. What specifically would have to happen
for you to feel happier or have better sex? That is the
key question, since specific goals can be worked toward
and achieved; vague generalities, on the other hand,
do not lend themselves to planning for change.
Another important aspect of producing change in-
volves dealing with the obstacles to change. There are
always obstacles. If there were none, you would already
be where you want to be and there would be no need
for change. As we mentioned several times in the pre-

70
 WHERE ARE YOU NOW? 71

vious chapters, the main obstacles for men are the sex-
ual fables that comprise the fantasy model of sex. It
is essential that you recognize the influence these myths
exert on your thinking and behavior. Obstacles can be
successfully negotiated, but only when you are aware
of which ones are doing what to you.
The exercise below will help you take the first step
toward change by giving you an opportunity to exam-
ine where you are now. Once that step has been taken,
you will be in a better position to set some specific goals
for yourself.

EXERCISE 5-1: YOUR PRESENT SITUATION

Time Required: 1 to 2 hours

Write a detailed statement of your present sex life. The more

detailed the better. Give concrete examples of all major points.
Include the following items:

1. What do you like about your, sex life? What parts of it give
you pleasure?
2... What about it is not satisfying to you? Be specific as to
when and how problems occur and how they make you feel.
3... Which of the myths in the last two chapters are helping to

maintain the problems? How?

4. How are you dealing with the problems or unsatisfactory
elements (e.g., are you avoiding sex, not asking for what you
want, having sex a lot in order to prove that you're really
OK)?

This exercise can be done as a list, essay, or in any other

form. It doesn't have to be neat, and spelling and grammar
dont count It is for you alone.
If writing is difficult for you, do the exercise by talking into
a tape recorder or by covering the material in a conversation
with a friend. If you are in a relationship and communication
with your partner is good, you might want to discuss the ma-
terial with her. Obviously, if you do not feel your partner would
be a supportive listener, you shouldn't do the exercise with her.
Should you choose to do the exercise in conversation, your
friend is to function primarily as a listener, reserving comment
until you are finished.

If you read the exercise but did not take the time to
do it, perhaps telling yourself that you'll go back and
72 MALE SEXUALITY
do it you might want to rethink that decision, par-
later,
ticularly you wish to make changes in your sexual
if

behavior. Changes rarely come about through reading

alone.
We wonder if you paid much attention to the first
item in the exercise, the satisfactory aspects of your
sex life. Men often skip that part, thinking that they
should concentrate on what is not going well. That isn't
necessarily the case. Surely there are some satisfactory
aspects of your sexual behavior, and it's nice to get
them on paper so that you can put everything in per-
spective. Also, sometimes the pleasurable parts offer
the best clue about where to go next, as the following
example illustrates.

Robin was fairly well satisfied with his sex life but
wondered if there were ways of making it even
better. In doing the first part of Exercise 5-1, he re-
membered an experience that he very much enjoyed:
his partner giving him oral sex. This was a bit con-
fusing since Robin and his partner often engaged in
oral sex. What made this one experience stand out?
It turned out that their usual pattern was simultaneous
sex; whatever one did to the other was reciprocated at
the same time. During the experience he recalled, how-
ever, they had not assumed their usual "69" position
but he had just lain there and let her do all the work.
And it had been one of the most enjoyable sexual
experiences he had ever had. But, though it had oc-
curred about two months before he came to see us, it
had never been repeated. As we talked further, it
became clear that Robin was interested in further ex-
ploration of nonsimultaneous sex but that he was so
accustomed to being active in sex that this was unlikely
to happen unless a program of exercise was established
and followed. With our assistance, this was done.
Robin and his partner gradually explored various as-
pects of being active and passive in sex. The process
was not always smooth since Robin, like many men,
sometimes found that being passive was uncomfort-
able (a man is not supposed to just lie there and be
dependent on the woman's ministrations), but within a
few weeks he and his partner felt that they had con-
siderably increased their sexual options and enjoyment.
 WHERE ARE YOU NOW? 73

This example also underscores the necessity of being

specific. Until it was discovered what in particular
(his passivity) had made his recalled experience so
special, it was impossible to know in which direction
to go to help him enhance his sexuality.
We tried to be clever in our wording of the exercise
to prevent you from using terms like impotence, prema-
ture ejaculation, insufficient enjoyment, and lack of
interest. These labels are convenient to use, but they
aren't very helpful. As we mentioned earlier, it's the
specifics that count. When do you get an erection and
when don't you? When are you interested or what are
you interested in? What do you mean when you call
yourself impotent or premature? It can make a lot of
difference.

Arthur said in his initial interview that he was a pre-

mature ejaculator. When asked if he had any control
over when he ejaculated, he answered affirmatively,
indicating that he could last for thirty-five to forty
minutes in intercourse. But that obviously wasn't suf-
ficient, he maintained, since his wife climaxed only
rarely. He thought that if he could last a few minutes
longer, his wife would have more orgasms.

Arthur was looking in the wrong place. Teaching

him to last for fifty minutes to two hours would prob-
ably have been a huge waste of time. Anyone who has
some control over when he ejaculates or who can last
for thirty minutes can by no stretch of the imagination
be called a premature ejaculator. What Arthur didn't
realize is that many women never have orgasms during
intercourse and that many others reach orgasm this
way only a small percentage of the time unless supple-
mentary manual stimulation is applied simultaneous-
ly. Lasting for hours on end doesn't help the situation
any and will probably only bore everyone. If you are
labeling yourself premature, carefully examine what
you mean by that and how realistic your goals are for
lasting longer.
The same is true for erection problems. Do you be-
lieve you should have erections all the time, that you
 74 MALE SEXUALITY
should get them without any direct stimulation, or that
they should be as hard as steel? How realistic are your
goals?

A sixty-year-old man came over a thousand miles to

see us. His wife of thirty-two years had died less than a
year before and, while he had had a few erections by
himself since then, he did not get one on the few oc-
casions when he had gone out with a woman. He
wanted to get married again but felt it would be im-
possible until he was capable of having erections with
a partner. The man was clearly depressed and we asked
who or what turned him on. He couldn't think of any-
one or anything. Upon questioning, he admitted that
he had not felt sexually aroused since his wife died.
We tried some sexual fantasies with him and they
failed to evoke any interest. The same was true for
erotic literature and movies. Nothing elicited the
slightest degree of sexual interest, and yet he was con-
vinced he should be able to get an erection. Needless
to say, his goal was somewhat unrealistic. Not until he
finished mourning for his wife was he able to get
aroused and erect again.

This man did have a problem, but it wasn't sexual.

Since, as we have already discussed, men tend to
sexualize everything, you will not be surprised to hear
that men tend to make sexual problems out of things
that really don't have that much to do with sex. We
have seen men who insisted they had a sex problem
when what quickly became evident was that they dis-
liked or were angry at their partners. Sure, we can say
there was a sex problem of sorts (they couldn't get or
stay erect), but the primary problem was in the re-
lationship. Their penises were not being contrary but
rather were acting precisely the way they were de-
signed to act. Hostility is not an atmosphere in
which erections and good sex flourish. The angry feel-
ings, or the situations that produce them, may have to
be dealt with first. Until they are resolved, at least
partially, better sex may be impossible.
In looking at the myths or rules that are maintaining
your difficulties, perhaps you came up with some that
were not discussed by us. That is fine. There are many,
 —
WHERE ARE YOU NOW? 75

many myths that get in the way of good sex, and we

discussed only a few. The important thing is to recog-
nize the ones that are getting in your way.

Terry was generally satisfied with sex but there was

one aspect that, while not a major problem, was an
annoyance. The first few times he had sex with a new
partner, even if he was comfortable with her and felt
very good about her, he could not have an orgasm. He
could live with this situation but preferred not to if
a solution was available. Terry knew a lot about what
excited him and never had any problems coming
through his own efforts. We asked what prevented
him from using this knowledge with a partner. It
turned out that he had tried telling his partners how
to touch him and, while they did what he wanted, it
stilldid not result in orgasm the first few times. We
asked about the possibility of his touching himself
while he was having sex with a partner (e.g., touch-
ing the base of his penis while having intercourse or
using his hand as well as her hand or mouth when
they were doing something else). It sounded reason-
able to him but there was some resistance because one
of his rules— a quite common myth in our culture
was that in partner sex you do not touch yourself.
The resistance was worked through in a few sessions
and the problem was resolved.

What is keeping you where you are is what you need

to discover, whether or not we mentioned it or whether
or not other people also believe in that rule. It can
probably be moved out of the way so that you can get
more from sex, but the chances are much improved
if you can clearly identify it.

The last aspect of Exercise 5-1 is the role of solutions,

how you are dealing with the problem. Home remedies
frequently serve to maintain rather than resolve the
problem. Trying to will an erection, for example, usual-
ly makes an erection impossible. The same is true of
gritting your teeth and trying to hold back an ejacula-
tion. Not letting your partner touch your penis because
you fear she will find it too small or soft does nothing to
resolve those fears and, in fact, often maintains or
even increases their power.
76 MALE SEXUALITY
Take aclose look at how you answered the last item
in the exercise. Is it possible that your "solution" is

maintaining the difficulty? If so, what steps can you

take to stop applying that solution?
Now that you have determined where you are start-
ing from, you can set some goals you'd like to achieve.
You should be aware that you need not achieve all
of them right now. Changes can be made in steps, and
short-range goals may be considerably less than what
you would like in the long run.

Bob had never been able to ejaculate during inter-

course and, during his current relationship, found that
he rarely could maintain an erection for more than a
few minutes. Although he wanted to resolve the ejacu-
lation problem, it seemed logical to deal only with
the erection problem first. Once that was resolved and
he was able to have intercourse, we could deal with
the remaining difficulty.

To put the lesson from that example in other words,

don't take on too much at once. That will only serve
to disappoint and frustrate you. Go slowly, taking small
steps. Be realistic: you can only do so much at a time.
Also, be sure your goals are in fact your goals, not
standards of someone else's choosing.
The following exercise will help you be more specific
about your goals.

EXERCISE 5-2: YOUR GOALS FOR

A BETTER SEX LIFE
Time Required: 30 to 45 minutes

Write a an imaginary Mend telling him or her how

letter to
yon would your sex life to be. Be wary if ft sounds any-
like
thing like the fantasy material we discussed in Chapters 3 and
4. Discuss the aspects you would like to change, listing how you
would like them to be different If there is a need, separate
immediate and long-range goals.
Do not be brief. Discuss your wishes in detail and be very
specific about any changes you plan. Note any obstacles that
might get in the way of reaching your goals. Mention any con-
cerns you may have about reaching your goals. Is it possible
that there would be negative aspects to making the changes?
This is not uncommon and, should there be even a slight hint
 WHERE ARE YOU NOW? 77
that problems could occur as a result of making changes, read
the part of Chapter 22 called 'The Uses of Sex Problems."

Now that you have set some you

goals for yourself,
have laid the foundation for change. Keep your answers
to the last two exercises; you may wish to refer back to
them later.
Before going further, you should consider the follow-
ing issues.

— If you found possible negative consequences for

making sexual changes, you should follow the sug-
gestions in Chapter 22. Trying to make changes be-
fore you are more comfortable with the probable
outcome may be very difficult.
— Since whatever can get in the way probably will,
pay careful attention to any obstacles to change you
noted in Exercise 5-1. Are there any ways of pre-
cluding their appearance or at least of mitigating
their influence?
•
—If you suffer from a serious illness or injury, have
had surgery recently, are taking medication of any
sort, or have reason to question your health in any
way, get a complete physical examination and read
Chapter 21. When you see your doctor, discuss
your sexual problem with him and ask him to check
for possible physiological causes. If your doctor is
not comfortable discussing sexual matters or does
not seem knowledgeable in this area (and many
doctors fall into these categories), ask him to refer
you to one who is. It is up to you to get complete
and understandable information about the issues that
concern you. Ask questions, ask for clarification
when you do not understand; be sure you get what
you are paying for. It is important that you try not
to be intimidated by the doctor's professionalism or
his apparent lack of time. Even if you are intimi-
dated, as most of us are in the presence of physi-
cians, attempt to get the information.
•—Look at your priorities and time schedule to deter-
mine how you can devote the two to five hours a
78 MALE SEXUALITY
week we'll ask for sexual exercises. You should make
sure that you can spend the time leisurely and with-
out interruption.
Many men, although claiming that sex is very
important to them, allow very little time for it in their
schedules. This usually does not make for enjoyable
sex. The time you set aside should be prime time.
Be good to yourself.
— If you are in a relationship,you might want to dis-
cuss your plans for change with your partner. While
not absolutely essential, it is preferred, since you will
progress much faster if your partner is informed and
willing to cooperate when necessary.
If you find that the two of you are unable to
agree on the importance or goals of change, or that
you have difficulty talking about the subject, read
Chapter 12, "Dealing with a Partner," now. It is
important that the two of you agree on the nature of
the problem and how it's going to be resolved. If
there is substantial disagreement — if, for example,

you believe there is a sexual problem but she feels

the difficulties he in other areas — it will be very dif-

ficult to make progress in resolving anything. Talk it

out and decide where you should put your energy.
 Your Conditions
for Good Sex and
How to Get Them
This chapter is one of the most important in the book.
It presents a way of looking at sex that is different from
the one most of us learned. Having a better sex life
very much depends on understanding and being able
to apply what is in this chapter.
As we mentioned in Chapter 4, men learned that
they should be able to perform on demand. Given a
willing partner, we should become aroused and erect,
ready and able to have a good sexual experience. While
girls and women had all sorts of special requirements
(needing to trust us, to feel loved, and so on) we were
less complex and didn't need anything "special." If
she was willing, that was sufficient to get our sexual
apparatus working. And if that wasn't sufficient, we
tried frantically to kick the machinery into operation
by trying harder, by working at it. Then we began to
worry. What was wrong with us that it required so
much effort to become aroused or erect? Why didn't it

happen spontaneously the way it was supposed to?

The truth is that it was never supposed to work the
way we were taught. We men are not as simple as we
79
80 MALE SEXUALITY
have been led to believe. We are complex human
beings, with diverse styles, needs, likes, and dislikes.
This is as true in sex as in other areas, but because of
what we learned about how we were supposed to be
sexually most of us don't know this. When sex doesn't
work out the way we like, we are all too ready to as-
sume that something is wrong with us for not respond-
ing the way we think we should, rather than to look at
the situation to discover what about it might be block-
ing our sexual responses.
Let's look at what is needed for a satisfying sexual re-
sponse in more detail so you can get a better idea of
what facilitates or blocks such a response. The two
basic ingredients are arousal and a relatively open ner-
vous system.
Arousal (synonymous with desire, excitement, and
turn-on) is not easy to define. It is not the same as
erection. Arousal and erection are separate systems.

erection — —
They often go together you feel excited and get an
but not always, and it is crucial to separate
them in your thinking.
Arousal refers to feelings, a desire to touch someone
and have sex with her. It is often experienced as a pull
or surge toward a lover and it can also be more ab-
stract, with the desire or pull being present but without
a specific partner in mind. Men have described arousal
in these ways: "a wanting to be with her, to be close
to her, to merge with her"; "a warm tingling sensation
in my penis and elsewhere"; "an overall feeling that
I want her"; "feels like my blood is racing and I can
feel my heart beat"; "my whole body comes alive in a
special way."
Your own experiences of arousal may or may not
be similar to these examples. The important thing is
that you know when you are sexually excited. What
you that you're in a
specific sensations or feelings tell
sexual mood?
Men often think they are turned-on when they aren't.
Because of our training, we frequently look to the situ-
ation rather than to our feelings to determine if we're
interested in sex. If the situation is one that our edu-
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 81

cation defined as sexy (e.g., having an attractive woman

indicating that she wants sex with us) we assume that
we are, or should be, aroused, without checking to see if
that is indeed the case.
The importance of arousal can hardly be overstated,
yet it is commonly overlooked. We
are all so caught up
in the myth that men (and, more recently, women as
well) will automatically be turned-on in a situation the
fantasy model defines as sexual that we often forget
to ask whether we really are interested.
Despite this cultural blindness, however, you need
to check your interest if you desire a better sex life. Be-
fore launching into a sexual experience, ask yourself if
you feel aroused (remembering that feeling is not the
same as thinking) or if there is some potential for be-
coming excited. If not, better do something other than
sex. Otherwise, you risk the possibility of not enjoying
the sex or not functioning well.
The second ingredient for good sex is an uncluttered
nervous system that will allow your arousal to be re-
flected in your bodily state (e.g., getting an erection)
and let you fully experience what is happening.
Let's say a man is looking at something, perhaps his
partner's legs, that usually excites him. If his nervous
system is obstructed —
by concerns about something
that happened work, for example seeing her legs
at —
may not feel sexual and, in fact, her legs may hardly
be noticed at all. He's looking at her legs but the per-
ception has no impact on him. This is an example of
how a cluttered nervous system can block arousal.
But let's assume that man does experience his part-
ner's legs as sexy and feels turned-on. For this feeling
to have an impact on the state of his penis, a message
has to be sent to it through his nervous system. The
message says, in effect, "This feels great, so get hard."
As the man continues looking at his partner, or as this
is replaced by other types of stimulation touching, —
talking, fantasy, and so forth —
more and more similar
messages are sent and received, producing and main-
taining a state of arousal and erection.
Simple enough, but there is a slight hitch. The mes-
 82 MALE SEXUALITY
sage to the penis must be clearly sent and received. If
his nervous system is obstructed, the messages to the
penis don't get through properly.
There are many things that can clutter the nervous
system so that sexual messages don't get through. Alco-
hol and many other drugs are well-known culprits.
Other common factors are guilt about sex, anger at
partner, preoccupation with other matters, fatigue, and
poor physical health.
The most common obstructor of the nervous system
during sex, however, is nervous tension or anxiety. This
includes any doubts or concerns about the situation
and one's acceptability and performance ("Will the
kids walk in?" "Will she think I'm as good as her other
lovers?" "Can I last long enough for her?").
Such concerns, if they are strong, throw the whole
nervous system into a tizzy, obstructing the transmis-
sion of sexual messages to the penis and other areas.
Regarding the penis, the messages may not get through
at all or only a few may get there; you may not get
an erection, or it may not be as firm as usual, or you
may quickly lose it. Anxiety, anger, and other feelings
can also stimulate the processes involved in ejaculation,
triggering quick ejaculations. Any efforts to get or keep
an erection, or to hold back ejaculation, usually only
add another layer of tension to whatever is already
there, thus making it even more likely that something
will go wrong.
An obstructed nervous system can also block enjoy-
ment. There are men who can function even when they
are unaroused and/or their nervous systems are cluttered
up with anxiety, concerns, or anger. For reasons we
don't understand, they are able to bypass many of the
requirements that other men have. They can function
no matter how nervous or bored or angry they are.
These feelings affect their nervous system in a different
—
way they function but they don't feel much. They
feel little closeness, love, joy, or excitement. Theirs
may seem like a wonderful situation, since they can
function almost anytime regardless of the situation,
but you need only to talk to one or two of them to
realize they get very little from their sexual encounters.
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 83

Erections, ejaculatory control, and feelings of arousal

and enjoyment cannot be directed by force of will. We
cannot coerce an erection or force ourselves to get
turned-on or to enjoy an experience. This is a crucial
point and one that is difficult for many men to accept,
since it goes counter to our training. As mentioned in
our discussion of the performance orientation, we men
learned to get things done by giving direct commands
to our minds and bodies. ("Don't get rattled; stay
calm." "You can do it; push harder.") This system
works well enough much of the time, but only with
those parts that we can directly control.
For better or worse, our arousal, erection, ejacula-
tion, and feeling systems cannot be controlled in this
way. They do not take orders. In fact, attempts to di-
rect them a certain way more often than not result in
their doing just the contrary. If you have any doubts
about this, it is important that you put the proposition
to the test. Whenever you want, try to will arousal,
erection, good feelings, or to hold back an ejaculation.
Beg, threaten, sweet-talk, issue any kind of command
you like, and observe the result*. Then perhaps you'll
be more open to considering the idea that this isn't
the best way to deal with sex.
So what can you do to have better sex? Very simply,
you need to discover the conditions under which you
are most able to become aroused or erect or experience
good feelings. A "condition" is anything at all that
makes a difference to you sexually. It can involve your
physical and emotional state, how you feel about your
partner, what you think you can expect from her, the
type of stimulation you want, the setting you are in, or
anything else. A condition is anything that makes you
more relaxed, more comfortable, more confident, more
sexual, more open to your experience in a sexual situa-
tion. Another way of looking at conditions is
that they are the factors that clear your nervous system
of unnecessary clutter, leaving it open to receive and
transmit sexual messages in ways that will result in
satisfying sex for you.
We sometimes conveniently ignore the fact that even
machines have conditions, requirements that allow them
84 MALE SEXUALITY
to function at their best. Our highly valued cars, for
example, have requirements in terms of type of gas, oil,
servicing, and ways and places they should and should
not be driven. Yet we seem more tolerant of their needs
than of our own. We don't call our car stupid or bad
or impotent if it doesn't run with an empty gas tank.
We simply accept the fact that it needs gas to run and
we meet this requirement. But when it comes to our-
selves, we have a different set of standards and don't
hesitate to call ourselves inadequate or bad or impo-
tent if we don't function the way we think we should,
no matter how poorly the situation meets our require-
ments.

Mort, a man in his early thirties with erection prob-

lems, had no trouble understanding the idea of con-
ditions ... for his boat. He was very proud of his
possession and could talk eloquently about all of its
requirements, which he was happy to meet in order to
get the best possible performance from it. On the other
hand, when it came to his penis, he couldn't under-
stand why it didn't operate the way he wanted. That a
boat should have all sorts of special needs he could
understand, but a penis, well, it should just work all the
time and not need any special attention. It took him a
while to understand that a penis is, if anything, more
sensitive and more vulnerable than a boat, and that its
needs have to be attended to for it to function satisfac-
torily.

The reason that Mort and so many of the rest of us

have trouble accepting our sexual needs as valid is
that they run counter to the fantasy model, to the way
we were taught "it ought to be." There is no tolerance
in the model, and therefore very little in ourselves, for
individual variations or needs. Which means, when you
get right to the essence of it, that our model has little
room for individuals at all.
seems obvious to say that we all have our individ-
It
ual preferences, styles, and needs; they are what make
us the unique person that we are. The problem is that,
except in those rare cases where our own styles and
desires are similar to those glorified in the model, we
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 85

tend to be ashamed of them. We

have been carefully
taught to feel guilty for having any special or unusual
needs (which means anything that does not fit the
model).
We try to hide the parts of ourselves that do not
conform to our sexual script in order to spare ourselves
and others from seeing how "inadequate" or "strange"
we are. We try to pretend that we don't need or want
what in fact we do, that we aren't who we really are.
It is worth repeating what we said in Chapters 3 and
4. Compared to the sexual model we learned, we are
all inadequate and deficient. None of us can measure
up to its absurd standards. The problem is not in us,
but in the model we compare ourselves to, a model that,
to be charitable, is utter nonsense and unfit for human
consumption.
It is perfectly acceptable to be yourself, to have your
own desires, anxieties, concerns, and style. They need
not be viewed as deficiencies or, as one man called
them, "weirdnesses." They are merely expressions of
your uniqueness. Your special requirements or condi-
tions, in sexual and other areas, are a large part of
what you call your "self," and the less of it you feel
bad about and want to hide, the easier your life will be.
We realize that at this point some readers may be
confused. They will recall times in their lives when
arousal, conditions, and feelings didn't have to be con-
sidered. They were usually aroused in sexual situations,
they functioned well, and they enjoyed themselves.
What happened? We can't really answer that question,
but the phenomenon is a common one. Many men
function automatically — that is, without regard for
any particular conditions or, as we mentioned earlier,
—
without even needing to be aroused for a while. And
then the system breaks down. We aren't sure why the
automatic functioning ceases, although it is clear that it
often involves a trauma of some sort —
divorce, infideli-
ty on the part of a partner, loss of job, or one sexual
experience that goes poorly. Whatever the cause, it
appears from our experience that automatic function-
ing, once disrupted, cannot be restored, at least not in
the same way it existed before the disruption. The man
 86 MALE SEXUALITY
is forced to start paying attention to factors he once
could ignore: e.g., whether he is aroused, relaxed, and
getting the proper stimulation. Of course, as time goes
on and these factors become a regular part of his
thinking, his functioning will become less self-conscious
and, therefore, more automatic. But it will now include
some elements previously ignored.
Your sexual systems were designed to work for you
and allow you to have good sex. All you need to do is
determine the conditions under which they can best
satisfy you. Here is an example of how one man dis-
covered this.

Jan had never had a sexual dysfunction but both he

and his wife of two years felt that they weren't having
as much sex as they wanted and that it wasn't as en-
joyable as it was in the past. His wife complained
that he rarely initiated sex and often turned down her
invitations. It turned out that Jan had many times
felt interested in sex but had not acted on it and was
now trying to quash even the interest. What, we
asked, would have to change so that he would feel
free to have sex when he felt in the mood? This was
his answer: "I'd just have to know that we wouldn't
get locked into the same routine every time. When I
think about what sex will be like, I lose all interest. It's
always the same routine. I have to spend lots of time
getting her ready for intercourse, even when she ini-
tiates, and it all goes according to the same ritual. I
enjoy it this way sometimes, but it's the thought that it
always has to be this way that gets me. I know I proba-
bly shouldn't say this, but sometimes I'd like a quick
screw, with no foreplay or messing around. Sometimes
I'd like just a blow-job, without having to do any-
thing in return right away. I guess I mainly want the
feeling of some freedom. I want to know that there are
some possibilities other than the same old stuff."

Jan was stating his conditions for being more in-

terested in sex. It was interesting to watch his wife
while he talked. Although they had good communica-
tion in most areas of their relationship, sex was some-
thing they hadn't been able to talk about. His wife at
first looked shocked —
she had never heard him say
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 87

these things —
but then started smiling and finally was
laughing wildly: she felt precisely the way he did. It
rarely works out this quickly, but the important thing
was that once his conditions were met, once he knew
that sex could go in many different ways, his interest re-
turned and sex became more enjoyable.
Before presenting two exercises that will help you
discover your conditions for good sex, we want to men-
tion a difficulty that you may encounter. You may find
yourself coming up with things you wish were not true.
Some of your conditions may at first strike you as old-
fashioned, feminine, strange, or something else that you
feel is bad or inappropriate. Whatever your feelings, it
is best to write the conditions out and give them
serious consideration. We say this because it is our ex-
perience that most conditions are easier to accept and
fulfill than to change. Unless your conditions involve

pain or harm to you or your partner, the chances are

very good that, no matter how new or unusual they
seem to you now, you can learn to accept them and
find effective ways of meeting them.
The two exercises that follow have been very useful
to many men for discovering their conditions. Read
them both and then do the one that you like best. The
first one is stated in general terms. If you have been
having a problem in a specific area, e.g., arousal, erec-
tion, or enjoyment, you might want to direct the exer-
cise toward it.

EXERCISE 6-1: CONDITIONS ESSAY

Time Required: 45 minutes

Compare the three or four best sexual experiences you have

had with an equal number of ones that did not turn out well,
and list all the factors that differentiate between the good and
bad ones (for example, "In all the good experiences, I knew the
women well; this wasn't true in the bad ones"). The elements
that characterize the good experiences and are lacking in the
bad ones are your conditions for good sex. Be sure to be as
specific as possible. If you have not had any good experiences,
or if it is difficult to remember them in sufficient detail, simply
use your imagination and list those things you think would be
necessary and helpful for you to have good sex.
Whether you use comparisons or your imagination, consider
 88 MALE SEXUALITY
all these areas: your physical health; amount of anxiety or ten-
sion; use of alcohol and other drugs; your feelings about
yourself; the extent to which you were preoccupied with other
matters; fears about performance, pregnancy, and venereal
disease; your feelings about your partner (how much you are
turned-on to her; your conviction that she cares for you; your
confidence that she will not put you down if you are not a per-
fect lover; and any anger or resentment toward her).
When you have finished with your list, put it away for a day
or two, then reread it and see if there is anything you want to
change or add. Now go through each item and reword it so that
it is specific enough to be put into practice. Let's assume that

one of your conditions is "knowing it won't be a disaster if I

don't get an erection." This is too vague. You need to ask your-
self: "What would have to happen for me to know that it

won't be a disaster if I don't get an erection?"

One man we worked with answered that question like

this: "First, I'd have to know that she was interested
in more of me than just my sexual performance and,
second, that she could take a lack of erection in stride
without getting angry." This was still too general. We
asked him what he would have to do in order to feel
confident that she was interested in him as a person and
that she wouldn't be angered by a soft penis. He came
up with more specific ideas: "I'd have to spend some
time with her before we got into sex. If we got along
well and I felt she liked being with me and doing things
with me, then I'd know she was interested in more than
just my cock. I'd also need to talk to her about sex, to
tell her that I don't always get an erection, and also
that her satisfaction is very important to me. I'd want
to know if she would let me take care of her orally if
my penis wasn't working. If she reacted well to this,
I'd feel comfortable." His hitherto vague conditions
were now workable. He could take his time with his
partner before getting into sex and, with a little help
from us, was able to have the conversation he wanted.
He followed through beautifully, he met his conditions,
and his sex life improved rather dramatically.

The importance of beingspecific cannot be overemphasized.

If your conditions are too general to be put into practice, you
obviously will be unable to attain them.

The next exercise maystrike you as a bit odd when

you first read it. We hope you won't let this put you
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 89

off. It has worked extremely well for many men most —

of whom thought it was strange indeed when they first
heard —and
it it can also be lots of fun.

EXERCISE 6-2: LETTER FROM YOUR PENIS

Time Required: 60 to 75 minutes

This letter (or list) is to be written from the point of view of

your penis. Yes, you read it right, from the point of view of
your penis. So before beginning take a minute or two to imag-
ine what it's like to be your penis. Try to put yourself in its
place. Imagine yourself dangling there between your owner's
legs. What would that be like? Then address yourself to the
question given below and let yourself write whatever comes to
you. It is important that you write with as little censoring and
editing as possible. Just write whatever comes, no matter how
messy, ungrammatical, illogical, or silly it seems. As much as
possible let your penis do the writing, so to speak.
The question to be answered is: HOWDOES MY OWNER
MISTREAT ME? Be as specific as possible, giving examples
whenever appropriate. Spend no more than 45 minutes on this
question. When you are done, put your letter away for a day
or two.
When you come back to the letter, reread it and add any-
thing you want. Then again take the point of view of your penis
and spend 15 to 30 minutes answering this question: HOW
COULD MY OWNER TREAT ME BETTER?
From these two letters you should be able to come up with
a complete list of your conditions for good sex. Spend as
fairly
much time as you need to make them specific enough to be
workable.

There are two conditions that are absolute musts, no

matter what your situation or concern. Please add them
to your list if you did not come up with them yourself.
NEVER TRY TO USE YOUR PENIS IN SEX
WHEN YOU ARE NOT AROUSED, and NEVER
TRY TO USE YOUR PENIS IN SEX WHEN YOU
ARE ANXIOUS. These are other ways of saying that
you should involve your penis only when you are
turned-on and reasonably relaxed. Flouting these con-
ditions is an excellent way of getting into a war with
your penis, a war you cannot possibly win.
Check your list of conditions again. How many of
the items are absolutely necessary and how many are
90 MALE SEXUALITY
not? You probably need to attend to only the most im-
portant ones. Most men we've worked with have found
that meeting one, two, or three of the most important
ones are all they need to improve their sex lives.
The implication of discovering your conditions is
simple. You are going to have to learn to deal with
sexual situations so that your most important condi-
tions are met or at least approximated. How well you
function and how much you enjoy are directly related
to the extent to which these conditions are fulfilled.
At this point you may be feeling discouraged. Know-
ing your conditions sometimes has this effect at first.
Do some of the items on your list surprise you, make
you wonder if you're weird, or leave you feeling that
you'll never be able to meet them? Such reactions
are common. We were trained to think that we had no
special requirements, so it's no surprise that we get
concerned when we find that we do. Here are two typi-
cal responses:

I guess I always sort of knew about these things but I

never saw them so clearly or took them seriously. Now
I'm worried. Seems like it would take lots of work to
get them all set up.

Some of this sounds so feminine. Trust, closeness,

—
knowing she likes me those are things I expect to
hear from my sister. Do you really think there are
women who would go to bed with me with this damn
list of stuff?

It can be upsetting to learn that we are quite human

and have very human kinds of requirements. It is
natural to wish that things were different, that meeting
conditions was not necessary. Before you get depressed
or throw part of your list away, consider the items care-
fully. Are you really less of a man because you have
such needs? If you answer in the affirmative, you should
clearly delineate just what is your image of a man. Is it
at all human? Does it make any sense for you to com-
pare yourself to such a standard?
Consider your conditions again. Is it at all conceiv-
able for you to honor them without giving up your
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 91

membership in the male sex? Do you really believe

there are no women who could accept you and your
conditions?
While you are thinking about these heavy questions,
you may find some comfort in the following story, the
source of which we no longer remember:

A world-famous bullfighter, the epitome of masculin-

ity in his culture, entertained some guests at his villa
one evening. After dinner he disappeared and one of
the male guests went in search of him. He found the
bullfighter in the kitchen, wearing an apron and wash-
ing dishes. The guest was appalled and blurted out,
"How can you be doing such a feminine thing?" To
which the bullfighter replied, looking down his nose at
the guest: "Whatever I do is masculine."

The bullfighter made an important point. Whatever

he does, and whatever you do, is an expression of
yourself. Since you are both male, how could it be
feminine? Wearing an apron and washing dishes, taking
care of children, wanting gentleness and emotional
closeness in sex, or almost anything else —
if it is an ex-

pression of a male, how could it be other than mascu-

line?
That the bullfighter's guest or you or anyone else
thinks otherwise is only because you have accepted
certain social fictions —
sex-role stereotypes —
as valid.
Such fictions may have had some useful functions in
the past, but it is painfully clear that the present de-
mands more flexible arrangements. John Wayne, Har-
old Robbins, Henry Miller, and the rest of their kind
are no longer relevant, if indeed they ever were.
And it still isn't easy. It is difficult to admit needing
things that contradict the myths and stereotypes we
learned so well. It becomes easier, however, when we
realize that the myths themselves are what limit our
functioning and enjoyment, in sex and elsewhere. It
is precisely through our conditions —
our needs and de-
sires —
that we can express our maleness, our human-
ness, our selves. And it may help to know that not one
of the men we have worked with felt that he lost any of
his masculinity in the process of fulfilling his conditions.
92 MALE SEXUALITY
Many, in fact, spontaneously reported that once they
could accept and express their conditions, they felt
more like men than ever before.

Greg never had any problems functioning sexually—

—
he was a swinger by any standard but he rarely ex-
perienced any joy in his activities. He was well versed
in the techniques and tricks of sex, he always had
erections, he could last forever, and his partners often
complimented him on his virtuosity. He got little,
however, beyond the knowledge that he was "a great
fuck." Even his orgasms felt "only like a few muscle
contractions." Greg thought that conditions were
"dumb" but, since nothing else worked, he reluc-
tantly set out discovering his. He found that he
needed to like and care for his partner, feelings he
had spent most of his life running away from. He
feared getting involved with women and therefore
only had sex with those he found attractive but didn't
like. It was a long, hard struggle for Greg to overcome
some of his fears of caring and involvement, but he
made it to the point where he could enjoy sex and re-
lating to his partners on many levels.
Several months after he terminated therapy, Greg
asked for an appointment to deal with another issue.
In the course of the session, he said the following
about his sexuality. "It's strange looking back at where
I was. I thought I was the biggest cocksman in town.
But now I know the horrible price I paid for all those
performances with women I didn't care for. It's like I
buried a big part of me, all my feelings, so I could
play the role. Now I've mellowed out and settled
down. I love Jenny and we've been thinking about liv-
ing together. She satisfies all my sexual desires. Sex is
great with her. I'm not performing — actually, I'm
—
having less sex than ever before in my life but I
enjoy it so much. It's really fine and I feel more of a
man than ever. Not the kind of rowdy, show-off I was
before, but more quiet, more secure. I like it better
this way."
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 93

Meeting Your Conditions:

Basic Assertiveness
Conditions fall into two general categories: those
that can be dealt with entirely on your own, and those
that require you to deal with a partner. Examples of
the first type would include requests from your penis
for some nonsexual contact with you (such as talking to
it or light touching) or for gentler treatment in mastur-
bation. These and similar goals can be accomplished
without anyone else's knowledge or participation.
Sometimes these are easily dealt with and sometimes
not. It mainly depends on your willingness to take
the time and energy to be good to yourself. We give
an exercise later in the chapter to help you with this.
The second class of conditions, those requiring a
partner's participation, may be more difficult. Let's say
that one of your conditions is not to have sex when you
are tired. This is easily accomplished if your partner
never takes the initiative. But suppose you are tired
and she indicates that she wants sex. You now have
to deal with her. Many men deal with such a situation
either by not dealing with it— that is, by acquiescing to
the partner's requests and ignoring their conditions — or
by pretending not to notice the partner's advances.
Done often enough, the first method can lead to a dys-
function or a dislike of sex, while the second can leave
the partner feeling confused and rejected. In neither case
is the man honoring both his conditions and his partner.
Men have a reputation for being able to get what
they want and to stand up for their own interests. That's
what being a man is about, isn't it? Sadly, we have
found that when it comes to sex, men are rarely able
to do what is best for them, rarely able to communi-
cate their needs and feelings to their partners. However
assertive they may be at work or in other areas of their
lives, most men have difficulty getting their sexual needs
met. They are so focused on acting the way they think
a "real man" should or on pleasing their partners that
they often do not get what they want.
94 MALE SEXUALITY
Wehave come a long way from the heyday of the
"Slam, bam, thank you, ma'm" performances. Now
women are supposed to have orgasms and we feel it
is our responsibility to provide them. It is true that
there are still some men around who are totally incon-
siderate of and insensitive to their partners' needs, but
their ranks seem to be dwindling rapidly. The pendu-
lum has swung far in the opposite direction and most
men feel under tremendous pressure to satisfy their
partners. If they don't, they feel guilty and label them-
selves failures.
Because of the pressure to satisfy their partners'
needs and live up to the standards of the fantasy
model, men often sacrifice their own enjoyment. Thus
we find men making love when they don't want to,
when they are too tense to fully respond, in ways they
don't like, and sometimes even with partners they find
unattractive —
usually with the excuse that "she ex-
pected it, so what else could I do?" Such self-sacrifices
rarely make for good sex.
you think we are joking or that meeting your con-
If
ditions will be easy, consider the following questions
seriously:

—Could you your let know you

partner not that are
mood
in the sex even though she
for is interested?
—Could you her you tell want
that don't intercourse
but would some like form other of sex?
—Could you a
indicate in way
clear you want
that to
midst
stop in the a of sexual experience?
—Could you her know
let that certain feelings (anger,
anxiety, boredom, etc.) are interfering with your sex-
ual feelings and functioning?
— Could you give her directions how to stimulate you
in ways you find more pleasurable?
—Could you ask her to tell or show you how she likes
to be stimulated?

If you answered yesto some or all of these ques-

tions, we have
another one for you. Could you tell her
these things in such a way that did not leave her feeling
humiliated, disliked, or undesirable? If you can honest-
 —
CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 95

ly answer yes, you are one of the fortunate few. These

are generally situations that men find difficult to han-
dle.
The trick is to learn to assert yourself in sex, to learn
to get the conditions you need and not go along with
situations that make you uncomfortable —
and to do so
in ways that do not crush your partner. Assertiveness is
not rudeness, bullying, or aggression. Being assertive
does not mean that you won't consider your partner's
needs or satisfy her. It does mean, however, that you
are going to pay serious attention to your own needs.
It does mean that you will express your desires directly
and try to get what you want. Your partner may not
always be responsive and compromises will have to be
negotiated. This may be new for you but you will find
that they can be worked out in ways that honor both of
you.
So
often in sex today the situation is that each part-
ner focused primarily on the other's satisfaction. The
is

woman is trying to figure out what the man wants

and expects, while he is busily trying to determine how
to satisfy her. Each is looking out for the other and
neither is taking care of his or her own needs. So much
time and effort is spent on the other that both partners
are unlikely even to be aware of what they themselves
want. A lot of mind reading and guesswork are neces-
sarily involved since neither partner is willing to be
direct about what is wanted. That, we have been
taught, is selfish and to be avoided. While such altru-
ism may sound lofty and virtuous, the result is usually
somewhat less than satisfying for both participants. If
both could start paying more attention to getting their
—
own needs met a little selfishness, if you like sex —
would be so much better for both.
Meeting your conditions and asserting yourself sex-
ually are parts of a larger concept: being good to your-
self. We men are always so busy doing our tasks
work, studies, chores around the house, taking care of
bills, and so on —
that we rarely take sufficient time to
get what we need and enjoy, and this is directly related
to the problems we have in sex.
The following exercise is intended to give you the
96 MALE SEXUALITY
opportunity to do some of the things that please you,.
Though important in its own right, it is also good prepa-
ration for the exercise that follows it, which deals with
asserting yourself with others.

EXERCISE 6-3: DOING SOME THINGS YOU ENJOY

Time Required: Variable

This week do one or two things that you really want to

do and that are fun for you. The main criteria are that you en-
joy them and they not be work-related* They may or may not
involve other people.
Here are some examples of what some men have done with
this exercise. Robert, who was working himself to death, took
a few hours to lie in bed and watch television. Stan went fish-
ing, an activity he loved as a young man but had "been too
busy to do" in the last twelve years. Lou, always busy doing
something "useful" and "constructive" allowed himself three
hours a week for fun things that were absolutely useless, like
reading mysteries and science fiction. And George, who loved
animals, spent a relaxed afternoon at the zoo.
Your activities may or may not be similar to these examples.
As long as you enjoy them, you're on the right track.
If you have trouble thinking of things you like to do, think
back over your past and see if there were any activities you
once liked but have given up. You might want to try some of
them again. Or ask yourself what you would do if you had a
million dollars and didn't have to work.
Do at least one or two enjoyable things per week as long as
you follow the programs in this book. We hope you will con-
tinue taking time for yourself long after you have forgotten the
book.

Now had some practice being good to

that you've
yourself, it time to begin asserting yourself with
is
others, which is just another way of being good to your-
self. The next exercise was developed by our friend
and colleague Lonnie Barbach and is the best we have
found to help you learn to assert yourself with others
and get your sexual conditions met. It is long and a bit
complex, so we suggest you read it and the discussion
that follows it carefully before putting it into practice.
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 97

EXERCISE 6-4: YES'S AND NO'S

Time Required: Variable, but usually no
more than a few minutes a week

Yes's: A Yes involves getting or attempting to get some-

thing you want from someone, which you ordinarily would not
allow yourself to ask for. It can literally be anything at all so
long as you really want it and it's something you usually don't
ask for. The assignment lies in the request, not the response.
Even if your request is rejected, you have done a Yes by ask-
ing. Some examples of Yes's are: asking someone to give or
loan you something, like a book, record, or money; asking
someone to spend time with you or listen to a problem; asking
for a certain type of stimulation or sexual activity.
The following example is a good illustration of how one man
went from doing enjoyable things for himself to asking others
for things he wanted and, finally, to getting his needs met in
sex.

Roy had worked hard all his life building up his con-
struction firm, taking very little time off for personal
pleasure, and asking little from anyone except for busi-
ness reasons. While he at first saw no connection
between this pattern and his lifelong problem with
erections, he agreed to do some things that pleased
him. He took off three hours from work on Saturday
mornings to do some reading, an activity he had en-
joyed in his youth but had not done for years. He was
pleasantly surprised at how much pleasure he still de-
rived from reading. Another nice thing for himself in-
volved coming home from work earlier than usual a
few days a week so he could do sexual exercises while
he still had some energy. He soon found he could
come home at a reasonable hour, every evening, with
plenty of time for reading, doing sexual exercises, and
spending some time with his family. He also found,
and this is typical, that his work suffered not at all; if
anything, he was getting more done at work than be-
fore and in much less time. In therapy we talked about
the kinds of things he had once enjoyed, like sailing
and fishing, and he used some of his Yes's to ask his
wife and friends to join him in some of these long-
forgotten activities. As he became more confident about
asserting himself, Roy started talking to his wife about
what he wanted in sex. In time, all of his conditions
were met and his sex life showed considerable im-
provement.
98 MALE SEXUALITY
No's: A No is a refusal to do something that yoo don't
want to do but usually go along with, perhaps to prevent an
argument, to preserve your nice-guy image, or for some other
reason. If you habitually loan money to a friend not because
you want to but because you fear what he will think of you if
you refuse, turning him down the next time he asks would be a
No.
We all do many things we don't want to do. Some of them
are necessary since the consequences of not doing them are
quite serious (not paying your income taxes, for example).
But there are many other things we don't like that we really
don't have to put up with. The No's will give you an opportu-
nity to turn some of them down. Being able to say no is very
important in sex: going along with things you don't like in sex
is one of the best ways not to get turned-on and to lose in-
terest in the whole subject.
While most No's are in response to direct requests from
others, some are not. You probably do some things because of
expectations built up long ago. Refusing to continue these
behaviors, even though no direct requests are made, is a No.

Maggie and Fred had for years driven thirty miles

every Sunday night to have dinner with his parents.
This had been going on so long that invitations were
no longer extended. It was simply understood by all
that Maggie and Fred would show up Sunday at five
o'clock. In therapy both said they would prefer to
spend their Sunday evenings in other ways, but they
were worried how his parents would feel if they
stopped coming to dinner every week. It was pointed
out to Maggie and Fred that this worry controlled
their lives. Most of their time was taken up meeting
the needs and expectations of their parents, children,
and friends. Even though they didn't like many of the
things they were doing, they couldn't change because
of their fear of hurting someone's feelings. They were
far better at respecting everyone else's feelings than
they were at taking care of their own. After some
talk, Fred told his parents that although he and Mag-
gie would be happy to consider individual invita-
tions, they would no longer be coming every Sunday.
His parents were disappointed and hurt, but Fred
stuck to his position. This No turned out to be very
important to this couple. After dealing with his par-
ents, they were able to make similar changes in other
important relationships and start living their lives more
in accordance with their own desires. They learned
that you can't satisfy everyone else's needs and that
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 99

they can live with the occasional disappointment

friends and others express toward them. Two years
after that first No to his parents, their marriage and
sex life are better than ever.

SUGGESTIONS FOR DOING YES'S AND NO'S

1. Do two Yes's and two No's the first week. After that, do
three of each a week. As you do them, you will discover what
iseasy and what is difficult for you. Since there is no benefit in
endlessly repeating easy items, gradually include more difficult
ones. If, for example, after a week or two you find that Yes's
are easy for you but No's are hard, you can do only No's, six a
week.
2. Start small. Discouragement is the only reward for trying
to change the world in a week. Start with items that are easy,
even trivial, and gradually work up to topics and items that are
more difficult. Unless you believe that you are already quite
assertive, do not do any sexual Yes's and No's the first few
weeks. Wait until you are comfortable doing them in other
areas.
3. Use your common sense. There are situations where the
consequences for being assertive may be very serious. We sug-
gest you don't say no when the highway patrol pulls you over
for speeding or when a thief demands your money unless, of
course, you are willing to accept the consequences.
4. Continue doing Yes's and No's until you feel confident of
being able to get your sexual conditions fulfilled. This may take
anywhere from two to twelve weeks. Since this exercise takes
only a few minutes a week, it is simple to do while you con-
tinue with other exercises in the book.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. You don't find anything to say yes or no to. If there is
nothing for you to ask for or reject, then your life is precisely
the way you want it and you are probably perfectly content.
Or maybe you're not looking hard enough. You might find it
helpful to take some time every night to review the events of
the day and see if there's anything you wanted that you didn't
ask for or anything you did that you wish you hadn't.
2. You try to do too much too soon. This is the most
common problem in doing this exercise. It cannot be sufficient-
ly emphasized that you should start with relatively easy situa-
tions and only slowly work up to more difficult ones. For
example, if asking someone to loan you something is diffi-
cult, don't start out by asking for $1,000 or the use of his car.
Start with something you are more comfortable with, perhaps
the loan of a book or a dollar. Since this is an extremely im-
portant exercise, do it in such a way that will allow you to
progress and feel good about it
100 MALE SEXUALITY
3. You feel rejected. You will undoubtedly
bad about being
get turned down some of the time when doing Yes's. If you are
getting rejected almost every time, this either means that you
are asking for too much or from the wrong people, or that you
are asking in such a way that defeats your aim. You should
carefully read the discussion that follows the exercise.
If you are getting rejected some of the time, there's probably
nothing to be done about it. It is a basic fact of life that
neither you nor anyone else is going to get everything he
wants. And it may not feel good. The negative feelings about
being rejected will probably diminish as you realize that you
are also getting some of the things you wanted, but they will
never disappear entirely. The only thing to be concerned about
is if your fears of rejection prevent you from asking for what
you want. The only way to get what you want is to ask, and
this inevitably entails some unfulfilled desires, some hurt and
disappointment. The alternative, however, is far worse for most
people: less disappointment perhaps, but also far fewer of the
things desired. The choice is yours to make.
4. You feel guilty about being assertive. Contrary to popu-
lar opinion, women do not have a monopoly on feelings of
guilt. Many men feel bad when they start putting their own
interests first. In some extreme cases, dealing with this guilt
requires professional assistance. For most men, however, these
feelings will diminish in frequency and intensity as they get
more practice in using their assertive skills. If you are feeling
guilty, it may help if you write down what rules you have
broken (guilt usually involves a rule that has been violated:
something you "should" have done but didn't or something you
"shouldn't" have done but did). For example, "I should always
put a woman's needs before my own," or "It's not nice to try to
get what I want; it's selfish, and no one will like me." Seeing
these rules in writing can help you understand the absurdity of
the standards you are trying to meet.

Being assertive means expressing yourself directly in

appropriate ways. It means avoiding the extreme po-
sition of being so compliant and mousy that you don't
get your needs met and also avoiding the other extreme
of being so overbearing and aggressive that you trample
over the rights of others. This middle position of asser-
tiveness, however, is by no means a thin line. There are
almost an infinite number of ways to express directly
and appropriately what you want and what you don't
want, and you can find those that feel most comfortable
and work best for you. The Yes's and No's exercise
 .

CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 101

willprovide you with many chances to try different ap-

proaches and evaluate their effectiveness.

Below are some guidelines that have been helpful to

the men with whom we've worked. Try them out and
see which are most useful to you. The examples, here
and throughout the book, are real. They were reported
by men we've talked to and worked with.
1. Be direct and to the point. Beating around the
bush may be easier, but it's likely to confuse the other
person regarding what you are saying, thus making a
positive response less likely. Try an approach like
these:

(A) John, could you give me a ride home tonight?

My car is being fixed and I took a cab here.
(B) I'm sorry but I'm working on something that's
very important to me and I just don't have the time to
give you a massage tonight.

Not like this:

(C) Gee, Molly, you want me to help you move to-

morrow. . Well
. . that's Saturday and I was
. . .

thinking of going to the beach to relax. Hmmm, . . .

I guess I could go to the beach some other time. • . •

Tomorrow, huh? . . I'm not sure. .
. .

The speaker in example C is not giving a clear mes-

sage. He
probably hopes that Molly will notice his am-
bivalence and withdraw her request. By not directly
expressing himself, he's putting himself at Molly's mer-
cy. If she doesn't tell him to forget it, he may well find
himself helping with the moving, even though he
doesn't want to.
2. Don't blame, just say what you want or don't
want. You are much more likely to get an affirmative
and understanding response when you put your re-
quest in the most positive terms possible. For exam-
ple:

(A) Honey, it's been a long time since you and I

spent some time together without the kids or anyone
102 MALE SEXUALITY
have a few days just with you, the
else. I'd like to
way we used to before we were married. What about
going to Mendocino next weekend and leaving the
kids at home?

Calling people names or blaming them is not useful in

most cases. Here's a negative version of example A:

(B) Goddamn it, I'm sick and tired of having the kids
around the house all the time, along with all your
stupid relatives. Why the hell don't you tell them to
stay at their own homes sometimes? Another Sunday
like this, with twelve people in the house, and you
better believe it, I won't be coming home anymore!

The men in examples A and B really wanted the same

thing, but they expressed themselves rather differently.
While example B looks extreme on paper, we have
heard similar speeches too many times to think that
they are unusual. You won't be surprised to hear that
while one of these men had a lovely weekend with his
wife in Mendocino, the other got a battle that raged
for almost a month.
And like requests, rejections are more effective (and
less painful to all concerned) when they are put in
the most positive way possible. For example:

(C) Youlook wonderful and I'm getting tempted. But

I'd rather not make love now. I'm tired and I have to
be at work early tomorrow. Tell you what, if you're
free tomorrow afternoon, I can come home early and
we can stay in bed as long as we want. That way, I'll
be rested and can give you the attention you deserve.

Not like this:

(D) I don't know what it is about you, but you're

always wanting sex when I'm tired or have to get up
early in the morning. The last few weeks I've had lots
of free time and could have gotten interested in sex,
but did you show any interest? No. Now when I'm
tired and up to my neck in worries, now you get in-
terested. I think there's something wrong with you.

Both men are saying no, but the man in example C is

doing it in a way that is probably acceptable to his
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 103

partner and is also working out a compromise. The

man in D is clearly headed for trouble with his part-
ner.
3. Give a reason for your request or rejection. Peo-
ple tend to respond more positively if they understand
the reasons for your yes's and no's. Note, however,
that giving a reason is not the same as telling a lie.
All of the constructive examples given so far include
reasons.
4. Be firm and persistent. Many people give up too
easily after making a request or giving a rejection, es-
pecially when they encounter resistance or do not im-
mediately achieve their goal. Persistence often pays off.
Like this:

(A) Touch me there but a little harder. . . . That's

better but I'd like it still harder. ... I think you might
be afraid of hurting me. I'd like it harder and you
don't have to worry about hurting me. . . . Here, let me
show you how hard I want it. . . . Wow, that's much
better, really feels good.

Not like this:

(B) Touch me there but a little harder. . . . Hmmm

... is that harder? ... I don't know ... I guess
that's OK. . . . Could you, well, no, it's the way OK
it is . . . yeh, it's fine [and, of course, it isn't].

The man in B is settling for less than he wants. He'll

and perhaps angry or resentful as well.
feel dissatisfied,
The man in A is being clear, firm, and persistent, and
he's getting what he wants. Being firm, however, does
not mean being stupid:

(C) Touch me there but a little harder. . . . Harder, I

said! That's not harder. Don't you think I know
. . .

what I want? . . . Can't you do anything right?

There's simply no reason to carry on this way.

Being firm is particularly important when doing No's.
Some people will try to sweet-talk you into changing
104 MALE SEXUALITY
your mind or make you feel guilty for rejecting their
request. Here's an example:

(D) I'm sorry, Mary, I'd like to helpyou out but I

have to teach a class at eight in the morning and I
don't see how I could take you to the airport at two
A.M.
(Mary says you're her last hope. No one else can
take her and there's no other flight she can take.
She'll have to call off her trip if you don't take her.
Besides, she's done you some favors.)
I you've done me some favors, and I'm grate-
know
ful. And I realize you're in a bind. I would like to
help you but I'm not willing to go at that hour on
Tuesday morning. If you like, I could take you at mid-
night and you could wait at the airport for the plane,
or I could take you on another morning, but not Tues-
day.

But won't Mary be angry, disappointed, or frus-

trated? Probably. And there's nothing you can do
about it except to take her to the airport when she
wants to go. But that's going to make you unhappy.
This is a clear case of having to decide whose needs
come first. You have tried to do what you could for
Mary without sacrificing your sleep. You have even
offered her some alternatives, which leads us to our next
guideline.
5. When
doing No's, offer alternatives if you want
to. Ifyou are unwilling to grant a request as it is given
but are willing to do something else, say so. The man
in example 4D has done this: he offered to take Mary
to the airport at two different times that were more
convenient to him and that might be of help to her. If
nothing the offering of alternatives can help ease
else,
any guilt you are
feeling about rejecting the other per-
son's original request. You are not totally refusing to
help but are offering a compromise. If a compromise is
not acceptable, if your friend wants what she wants
precisely the way she asked for it, you can feel easier
about saying no.
Offer alternatives only if you mean them. Otherwise,
someone may call your bluff and you'll have to deliver.
 CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 105

If you simply don't want to have anything to do with

taking Mary to the airport, regardless of the time or
day, better say so.
6. Express your appreciation when your requests
are granted. When you do a Yes and the response is
positive, be sure to indicate your appreciation. Long
speeches and gushing sentimentality are not needed, just
a simple "I appreciate this" or "Thank you for taking
the time." Such expressions let the other person know
you recognize his or her efforts and are grateful for
them, which usually will have the effect of making him
or her more open to future requests from you.

These suggestions and examples should be sufficient

to help you begin to get your conditions met. We
re-
turn to this subject in Chapter 12, with further discus-
sion of how to assert yourself in sexual situations and
how to communicate with sexual partners.
If after giving the Yes's and No's a fair trial for at
least four or five weeks, you are still having great dif-
ficulty doing them, you might want to consult one of
several good books on assertiveness. Your Perfect
Right, Don't Say Yes When You Mean No, and I Can
If I Want To have been helpful to some of our clients.
Before leaving the issue of expressing yourself, we
need to give further attention to positive expressiveness.
Being able to do Yes's and No's is absolutely necessary
for getting your conditions fulfilled and enhancing your
sex life. At the same time, it is very important to express
approval, praise, appreciation, and caring. Much of
what passes for assertiveness training overlooks the
necessity for balancing expressions of wants and rejec-
tions with expressions of liking and approval.
This is an especially difficult area for men. Our so-
cial scripts give us permission to be assertive. We still
have difficulty with it, especially in the sexual area, but
at least we have the permission. But where is the per-
mission to say, "I care for you," "I feel good when
I'm with you," or "I really appreciate your help"? The
answer is that there hasn't been much permission or
even tolerance. The strong, silent heroes we were given
as models didn't say such things.
 106 MALE SEXUALITY
Expressing approval, support, and liking seems, well,
feminine to many men. We know that women express
such thoughts and feelings, and we like it when they are
directed at us, but we aren't sure it's OK
for a man to
say such things. And besides, we haven't had much
practice doing it.

An exercise we've used for years in group therapy in-

volves the men pairing up and role-playing, asking
their "partner" to stimulate the men's arms. We
set the
situation, which usually involves the "partners" not do-
ing it quite the way asked for, so the man must keep
correcting "her" with further instructions. Many of
the men have trouble getting their "partners" to do it
the way they want, and this is what we expected. What
surprised us at first was the reaction we invariably got
when we gave this situation: "She's doing it perfectly
now, just the way you want. It feels wonderful.
What do you do now?" Their reaction: dead silence.
So we try again. "She's doing exactly what you want.
It feels great. Can you somehow express how good it
feels or how much you appreciate what she's doing?"
At this point, some of them, with difficulty, give some
positive feedback. Others continue to have troubles
even after we give them specific examples of what
they might say or do.

It may be but giving positive feedback

difficult at first
is well worth the makes you more balanced
effort. It
and makes it easier for others to hear and respond to
your requests and rejections. If can also ease any guilt
you have about asserting yourself, since you know that
you also express things the other person likes to hear.
Other people can understand you better; they get more
information about you when you give compliments
and praise. And last, expressing yourself in positive
ways broadens your ability to express a wide range of
emotions, a type of expressiveness most men lack and
one that is greatly admired by women.
A few more examples of what we are talking about:
I appreciated your help with this project. It sure eased
my burden.
That outfit looks wonderful on you.
 —
CONDITIONS FOR GOOD SEX 107

It's nice to know I can turn to you when I have a

problem.

It feels wonderful when you touch me like that.

You look so beautiful when you come. It makes me
feel good.

I'm glad you're in my life.

Sound corny or mushy? Maybe, but only when such

responses are not sincere. We are not suggesting you
lie in order to gain some advantage with others; rather,
we are saying that you must like and approve of some
of the things that people around you are doing, par-
ticularly those you are closest to, and that you should
make sure you are letting them know about it. Do you
verbalize the good feelings you have for others as much
as you could? Do people know that you like and ap-
preciate them? Do they know you are thankful when
they do something for you?
If you think you are not doing as much in this area
as you'd like, you can assign yourself the task of giving
one or two positive expressions every day. As time
goes on, the practice will become automatic, but at
first it may be difficult. You may have to spend a bit of
time thinking about what you like and are grateful for
in particular persons before you go to tell them. And
you may find yourself coming up with reasons why you
don't have to tell them ("She already knows I care
—
I'm living with her so what's the point of telling
her?" "I show my appreciation and love in action, so
why should I use words?"). Expressing feelings through
nonverbal means is fine, but words can add a lot, too.
The message is: express yourself. Your likes and dis-
likes, and your approval, support, thanks, and love.
 The
Physical
Aspects of Sex
Any sexual activity is an elaborate combination of
physical and psychological factors. Feelings, thoughts
(yes, it's really OK to think during sex), and physical
changes are all part of sex. Yet it is surprising how often
one or the other aspect is ignored. We have heard talks
on sex that so focused on the feelings of the partici-
pants that one could easily forget that sex has anything
to do with the rubbing of bodies. On the other hand,
and perhaps more commonly, sex is treated as though
getting one set of plumbing fixtures to mesh with an-
other and produce a grand splash is the only thing that
matters.
Both the physical and psychological are important
They do not always work together and, indeed, may be
at complete odds with one another, but they both need
to be considered if you are to understand yourself and
have good sex.
This chapter is designed to give you a better under-
standing of, and appreciation for, your sexual anatomy
and physiology. Such knowledge has proved helpful to
most of the men with whom we have worked. At the
same time, we try to place the physical in a psycho-
108
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 109

logical perspective, for one without the other is quite

meaningless.
Women are not the only ones concerned about their
physical appearance. Many men are dissatisfied with
their bodies. They believe that they are too fat, too
thin, not muscular enough, too short, or too tall.
We have even talked to a few who refused to wear
short-sleeve shirts because they felt their biceps were
insufficiently developed.
If you are greatly dissatisfied with your body, you
might ask yourself how you think it ought to be —i.e.,

what are the standards to which you are comparing

yourself? Are they realistic for you? Are you really
willing to put in the time and effort to change the way
you look?
You might want to take a careful look at yourself in
a mirror, slowly going over each part and seeing how
you feel about it. Is there any chance that you can
accept yourself the way you are right now? Any
chance that you could accept the fact that your waist
will never be slimmer, your arms never bigger, your
head never hairier? And be sure to ask where you got
the idea that you should look different than you do.
Whatever the sources, must they run your life? You will
not suddenly like all those parts you didn't like before.
The question is whether you can accept them the way
they are, even if you don't like them. If you can ac-
cept yourself the way you are, you can at least stop
nagging yourself to do something about it, and get on
with your life.

While we are on the subject of bodies, we'd like to

ask you to consider yours from another vantage point.
We men have been trained to think that our only sexual
part is between our legs. When we think of sex, we
almost automatically think of our penises and what we
want to put them into. There's good reason for us to
think this way since it is precisely what the fantasy
model of sex teaches, but the truth is that such thinking
is unnecessarily narrow. We can give and receive sen-
sual and sexual pleasure with many other parts of our
bodies. We haven't had much permission to explore
 110 MALE SEXUALITY
areas other than our crotches, but there are many pos-
sibilities. Can you image what might be like to have
it

your face, neck, chest and nipples, stomach, legs, and

the areas between your toes touched, stroked, and per-
haps kissed and licked by your partner? Any chance you'd
be willing to try out some of these activities with her?
It is also true that our mouths, hands, legs, hair, and
so on can be exquisite instruments for giving pleasure.
You might try running your hair across the sensitive
parts of your partner's body. Or sucking her finger or
having her suck yours. No, it's not the same as having
your penis sucked, but many men who have tried it
reported that it was interesting, to say the least. All or
most of your body can give and receive pleasure. Your
penis doesn't have to carry the whole load. Consider
your body and see if this isn't true for you.
Which brings us to the next point we want to discuss,
the true nature of the human penis, perhaps the most
misunderstood organ in the male body. Penises have
had a bad press lately. The popular and scientific litera-
ture tells us that impotence is reaching epidemic pro-
portions; and even those penises not so afflicted still
don't perform the way they should —
they come too fast
or not at all, or in some other way they don't measure up
to expectations.
The truth is that nothing is wrong with penises. It is
our thinking about them, the expectations and goals
we have set for them, that is terribly mistaken. Both
men and women have absorbed the erroneous no-
tions about penises we discussed in Chapter 3, and be-
rate real penises for not living up to these superhuman
standards.
Let us then consider the penis, probably the laziest
part of a man. Your heart, lungs, and brain are working
all the time, even when you sleep, and you would be in
serious trouble if they stopped for even a few minutes.
—
Less impressive parts of you your liver, kidneys,
—
stomach, knees, and elbows, for example are busy
working for you much of the time. In contrast, most of
the time your penis does exactly nothing. While it serves
as a tube through which urine passes, it has no active
part in the process. And a penis is not necessary for
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 111

your survival. Even if you didn't have one, or had one

that never became erect, you could live a long, healthy,
and perhaps happy life. So, despite fashionable ideas of
penises being necessary and always active, hopping
about with lots of throbbing and crashing, the real
penis is much given to rest and relaxation.
The major exception is the adolescent penis, a crea-
ture known to act with great peculiarity. It may be in a
state of almost constant erection, regardless of the ap-
propriateness of the situation. Teenage penises seem to
take a perverse joy in getting hard at the wrong times,
causing their owners much embarrassment. But after
adolescence, penises revert to form, being more likely
to cause embarrassment by their lack of activity than
by their exuberance.
Penises are also somewhat mercurial. They some-
times get erect in the absence of any identifiable sexual
stimulus or any interest on the part of their owners.
They almost always get hard when their owners dream
(about four or five times a night) whether or not the
dreams have any sexual content. (While we're talking
about dreams, we want to mention that morning erec-
tions, often called "piss-hards," are not, as the name
implies, due to having a bladder. The best evidence
full
available indicates that morning erections are simply
the erections that accompany the last dream of the
night. Why penises get hard when you dream is some-
thing that has not been answered with any certainty.)
Penises can also become erect during periods of gen-
eral excitement as, for example, before or during a rock
concert or sports event.
The other side of the coin is only too well known.
There you are, trembling with lust, feeling passion in
every corpuscle . . and there's old penis, snoring
.

away and feeling not a thing. What we're talking about,

of course, is the distinction between arousal and erec-
tion. As we said in the last chapter, they are separate
systems. Don't confuse them.
The lack of response in your penis usually causes
great confusion and frustration. You think you're
turned-on and can't figure out what's wrong. Your
partner, also having been taught that desire should
112 MALE SEXUALITY
produce an erection in you, may think that she is not
attractive or that you don't like her. Actually, especial-
ly if you don't know each other well, the situation may
be just the reverse. You may find her particularly at-
tractive and want very much to please her. But this
may arouse concerns about whether you are equal to
the task, and these concerns are precisely what can
cause your penis to go into a deep sleep.
On the other hand, having an erection is no reason
to assume you want sex. You may or you may not. You
need to check your feelings to find out.
There is nothing wrong with using an erection even
if you do not have accompanying feelings of desire,

but your penis may not stay erect for long if the feel-
ings do not develop as you get into sex. If that's going
to be a problem for you, it's probably best not to have
sex until you feel aroused.
Implicit in what we've said is the idea that your
penis is a relatively frail instrument. It bears little re-
semblance to the fantasy model's bars of steel that can
be knocked around and handled with impunity. Like
any other part of you, it needs attention and consider-
ation.
Here's what one penis (in the penis letter exercise)
had to say to its owner, a man who hadn't had a good
sexual experience in five years:

I never feel included. You don't care about me and

don't pay any attention to me. Only when you want to
fuck do you show any interest, and then it's only to
scream and yell that I better come through for you.
Usually you pay more attention to your goddamn
knees and ankles than to me. Why should I do any-
thing for you? I'd like a little attention and some con-
sideration for my needs. I'd be much more willing to
do what you want if I felt that you cared about me.
Please pay some attention to me.

Another example:

A manin one of the first sex therapy groups we did

was in the habit of calling his penis "y° u little son of a
bitch" and threatening it with all sorts of dire conse-
quences when it did not meet his expectations. Need-
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 113

less to say, the more he did this, the less his penis
worked. Here is what came out when he did the penis
letter exercise:
"I'm sick and tired of being called names and
threatened. Don't you think I have feelings? I try to
do my best and you don't do a damn thing for me or
yourself. You get into the weirdest sexual situations
that anyone can imagine and expect me to perform.
And when I refuse, you get all huffy and start yelling
at me. Christ, you don't even like most of the women
you want me to screw! And do you ever ask me how
I feel about them? Never! Well, the hell with you,
Charlie. I'm putting you on notice right now. Either
start treating me with some respect and get into situ-
ations that interest both of us, or I'm never going to
do anything for you again. And, despite all your
threats, you know there's not a thing you can do
about it. If you want to start off on a new track with
me, the first thing you can do is apologize for all the
insults you've thrown my way."

If your penis doesn't work the way you want it to,

remember that it's trying to tell you something. It's not
your enemy. It was made for sex, it likes sex. If it's
not working the way you like, it's telling you that
there is something wrong with the way you are going
about sex. If you want better sex, you need to start
deciphering your penis's message.
Now on to sexual anatomy, a department in which
men differ as much as they do in other areas like weight,
height, color, amount of hair, and proportion of muscu-
lar to fatty tissue. Penises come in a variety of shapes
and sizes (as do testicles), and about the only thing
most penises have in common is that they are the wrong
size or shape as far as their owners are concerned. In
the many hours we have spent talking to men in and
out of therapy, we have heard every conceivable com-
plaint about penises. They are too small (the most com-
mon complaint), too large, too thin, too thick, stand
up at too small (or great) an angle when erect, bend
too much to the right, or left, or in the middle, or don't
get hard enough when they erect.
A large portion of our concern about our penises
undoubtedly stems from the silliness conveyed in the
114 MALE SEXUALITY
sources we explored in Chapter 3. Confronted by phal-
luses of superhuman dimensions, we feel inadequate
when we survey our own merely human organs.
It is also true that most of us lack information about
what a "normal" or average penis is like. Almost all of
us have seen other penises in locker rooms or similar
situations and we somehow come away with the convic-
tion that everyone else's is larger or better formed (for-
getting to take into account that we view others' from a
very different perspective than when we look down at
our own). And, when you think about it, it's clear
that most of us have never seen another erect penis, or
at least not a typical one. The erections we are likely
to have viewed, in pornographic films or pictures, are
hardly representative. Given the absence of reasonable
models or standards, there is good reason for us to
wonder about the adequacy of our own penises.
Figures 1 and 2 (pages 116 and 117) illustrate some
of the variability of human penises in the flaccid and
erect states. Yours may or may not closely resemble the
drawings, but the chances are at least 999 in 1,000
that it is perfectly normal and quite capable of giving
you and your partner much joy.
Your penis is the right size and shape for your body.
It is as it is, and if you can accept it and worry less
about how it compares to others (whose owners share
the same concerns you have), it will serve you well.
We will give you an exercise to help you become more
familiar with your penis and see how you feel about it,
but first we want to discuss some of the more impor-
tant features of your sexual anatomy.
Figure 3 (page 118) represents the typical male geni-
tal anatomy.
Theexternal sex organs consist of the penis and the
scrotum, the latter containing the testes. The penis
contains three cylinders of spongy tissue surrounded by
a tough fibrous covering. During sexual excitement, the
spongy tissues become engorged with blood, causing the
penis to expand. Since the fibrous sheath covering the
spongy tissues will expand only so far, as the tissues
fill with blood they press against the sheath, making

the penis hard. The process is quite similar to what oc-

 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 115

curs when you fill a bicycle or car tire with air. The
tube in the (comparable to the spongy tissues in the
tire
penis), if not constrained by the tire (comparable to
the fibrous sheath in the penis), would keep expanding
until it burst. Since it is constrained by the tire, it can
only expand so far and becomes hard.
If you study the diagram carefully you will notice
that the penis extends far into the body, almost to the
rectum. You can feel this portion of your penis if,
when you have an erection, you press a finger up into
the area behind your scrotum.
The penis has no muscle in it and therefore cannot
be enlarged by exercise. However, although not shown
in the diagram, the part of the penis inside the body
is surrounded by muscles which can be strengthened
by exercise. At the end of the chapter we present an
exercise that will help you do this; it will not increase
the size of your penis, but it does have some benefits
which we discuss later.
For many men the head is the most sensitive part
of the penis, especially around the ridge that connects
it to the shaft of the penis.

The major internal sex organs consist of the testes,

vas deferens, seminal vesicles, Cowper's glands, pros-
tate gland, and urethra.
The testes produce sperm and the hormone tes-
tosterone. The vas deferens are two firm tubes that
extend from the testes to the prostate. The sperm trav-
el through the tubes and are stored at their upper ends
until they mix with the secretions of the seminal vesi-
cles and prostate just prior to ejaculation. It used to be
thought that sperm were stored in the seminal vesicles,
but this idea has been abandoned. The exact purpose
of the vesicles is unclear, but it is known that they
contribute a portion of the ejaculate. The secretions of
the prostate comprise most of the seminal fluid or ejacu-
late, giving it its whitish color and its odor. The sperm
actually account for only a tiny fraction of the seminal
fluid or ejaculate, which explains why a man who has
had a vasectomy still ejaculates about the same amount
of fluid as before the operation.
It is believed that the Cowper's glands secrete a
116 MALE SEXUALITY

Figure 1:

FLACCID PENISES
THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 117
118 MALE SEXUALITY

Figure 3:
MALE GENITAL ANATOMY

I I
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 119

small amount of clear, sticky fluid which is often vis-

ible prior to ejaculation. This fluid sometimes con-
tains sperm, making withdrawal of the penis from the
vagina prior to ejaculation not a very safe method of
contraception.
The urethra is a tube running from the bladder
through one of the spongy cylinders in the penis and
ending in a slit in the head of the penis. Both urine
and seminal fluid travel through it, but not at the same
time. The prostate surrounds the urethra where it
leaves the bladder, and prostate problems —
such as
inflammation or enlargement, which are quite common
in men over fifty — very often cause urinary difficulties.
Although this description has been somewhat sim-
plified, it is sufficiently detailed for our purposes. Our
goal is to help you understand yourself better, not to
make you an expert on male anatomy. The following
exercise will help you further that knowledge.

EXERCISE 7-1: EXPLORING YOUR GENITALS

Time Required: 30 to 45 minutes

Undress and, using a hand mirror, carefully examine your

genitals. Look at your penis and scrotum from different angles.
See how everything fits together. Also look at the perineum
(the area between the scrotum and the anus) and anything
else that interests you* Then determine how you feel about the
various parts. Can you accept that perhaps you don't like the
size, shape, or color of some of your sexual anatomy? Can you
live with them without forever wishing that things were dif-
ferent?
Now explore your genitals with your fingers. You might
want to press in above your penis to feel your pubic bone, and
you might also press a finger up between your scrotum and
anus to feel the bulb of your penis (although this is easier felt
if you have an erection). If you gently squeeze the scrotum
above the tesies9 with one finger in front and another behind
the sac, you'll be able to feel the vas deferens; it feels like a
cord or piece of wire*
Then gently stroke your penis, scrotum, and the area behind
the scrotum, paying close attention to the various sensations
produced. Try different types of touching and be aware of
which strokes and which areas are most sensitive and which
are least sensitive* Take your time and learn as much as you
can.
If you become aroused and/or get an erection, that's fine*
120 MALE SEXUALITY
Continue with the exercise and be aware of how sensitivities
change when you go from the unaroused to the aroused state.
Discover as much as possible about how and where you like
to be touched.

If you had a lot of trouble accepting the way your

genitals look, would probably be worth your time to
it

ask yourself what makes you think they ought to be

different than they are. A fantasy, something you
read or heard or saw? Also ask yourself who, aside
from yourself, would be happy if they were different.
How do you know they would? Consider the sources
of your discontent. Are they so important to you that
you are willing to continue making yourself miserable
over something you can't change? Then go back to
the mirror and do the exercise again. Is it possible to
accept yourself the way you are? We hope you can
gain some self-acceptance because, like it or not, there
are no genital transplants and we are all stuck with
what we got. Which, if you think about it carefully
and identify the expectations that make you wish it
were different, really isn't all that bad.
We now go to the changes that usually occur as a
man goes through a sexual experience. This is a diffi-
cult area to discuss since the popularizations of the
research data on this subject have in many ways been
confusing and misleading.
In their pioneering work, Human Sexual Response,
Masters and Johnson described the physiological
changes a man goes through during sex in terms of
a sexual response cycle arbitrarily divided into four
phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
You may have read or heard about this cycle and
seen the diagram used to illustrate it, a copy of which
is included here.
Masters and Johnson's work in this area has been
uncritically accepted by most people in the sex field.
Almost all the books and articles that deal with sex
merely summarize their description and classification
scheme without noting variations or raising questions.
The problem is that while Masters and Johnson's re-
search constitutes a milestone in sex research, it suf-
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 121
Orgasm

Plateau. .^*^ V <&

Excitement

Figure 4: Male sexual response

Adapted from Human Sexual Responses,
by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, 1966.

fers from a number of limitations, some of which they

noted in their book but which have been neglected
by those who summarize their findings. The classifica-
tion of their findings into a response cycle with four
phases is probably the weakest part of their work.
Many men's changes do not fit neatly into the phases,
and some people have asked us what was wrong with
them for not fitting the model.
Our ideas about sexual response conform to what
Kinsey had to say on the subject: "There is nothing
more characteristic of sexual response than the fact
that not the same in any two individuals." There
it is

is no right or normal way to have a sexual experience.

Your body's responses are the result of a complex in-
teraction among many variables including, for exam-
ple, your physical and emotional state at the time,
what your partner does and how you feel about it, and
your feelings about her. In contrast to Masters and
Johnson's notion that there is only one type of male
sexual response cycle, we believe that there are many
possible cycles, a few of which are diagrammed in
Figures 5 and 6.
The main changes that occur during a sexual ex-
perience are the result of vasocongestion, the accumu-
122 MALE SEXUALITY

Time

Figure 5: Other male sexual response cycles

Figure 6: More male sexual response cycles

lation of blood in various parts of the body. Muscular

tension increases and other changes also occur. Ejacu-
lation reverses the blood flow and releases the tension,
but these phenomena happen even without ejaculation
or orgasm, though more slowly.
A sexual response begins when you receive some
form of sexual stimulation. The stimulation can be in
the form of a touch, smell, sight, thought, fantasy, or
almost anything else that has sexual significance for
you. Provided that you are open to a sexual experi-
ence, that your conditions are met, certain changes be-
gin to occur.
An increased volume of blood is pumped into vari-
ous parts of your body, increasing their size and often
their sensitivity to stimulation. Your penis is not the
only area so affected. Your lips, ear lobes, and breasts
are other areas that may become engorged with blood.
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 123

What happens your penis deserves further com-

to
ment. In its the amounts of blood going
soft state,
into and out of the penis are about equal and the penis
stays about the same size. When there is sexual stimu-
lation, an increased amount of blood is pumped into
the penis and the outflow is reduced. The spongy tis-
sues in the penis become engorged with blood, getting
larger and, as they push against their fibrous covering,
harder.
Full erection may or may not occur early in a sexual
experience. In many young men, erection is almost in-
stantaneous; they get hard as soon as they get any
stimulation. With increasing age, however, it may take
the penis longer to get hard, and it may also take more
direct stimulation of the penis to reach full erection.
There is nothing wrong with either the shorter or long-
er route to an erection.
The scrotal sac and testes go through some interest-
ing changes during a sexual experience. The skin of
the sac thickens and contracts, while the testes increase
in size because of the engorgement of blood. The testes
are also pulled up within the sac until they press
against the wall of the pelvis. This elevation of the testes
anticipates ejaculation and is necessary for it to occur.
Increased muscular tension can be observed in vari-
ous parts of your body. You may notice, for example,
that you are tensing your stomach or leg muscles.
There may be involuntary contractions or spasms in
your pelvis and buttocks, and also in your facial mus-
cles. As the excitement builds, pelvis thrusting begins
and becomes involuntary as you approach ejacula-
tion (although some men unconsciously inhibit these
movements).
Other bodily changes include increased blood pres-
sure, heartbeat, and breathing rate. Some men have
nipple erection; and a sex flush, a reddening of the
skin that looks like a rash, may appear on the upper
part of the body.
All bodily changes are reversible. You might reach
a peak of excitement and erection and then, because
you were distracted, stopped to talk, weren't getting
the most exciting type of stimulation, or if the experi-
124 MALE SEXUALITY
ence went on for a long time, you might lose some of
your erection and experience other changes that reflect
the lowered level of excitement. This is not something
to get concerned about. You can probably return to a
higher state of excitement when you reinstate the con-
ditions and activities that got you there in the first
place.
What you are feeling while all this is going on is an-
other matter. Sometimes you feel extremely excited,
very much into all the sensations, and are having a
grand time. At other times, it may feel good, but you
are also aware that your mind wanders now and again,
seeming to be only partially involved in the experience.
On other occasions, you may be but little involved in
what's happening, perhaps experiencing it as boring
or as disconnected from you, as if it were happening to
someone else. Sexual experiences do not always feel
the same, ranging from wonderful to good-but-not-
exceptional to hardly-worth-the-effort. Expecting a
mind-blowing experience every time is a sure way of
keeping yourself in a state of perpetual frustration.
But there is no reason to go through bad experiences.
If it doesn't feel good at all, it might be best to stop
and see what you really want. Perhaps sex is not for
you at the moment, or perhaps a different kind of sex-
ual activity would please you more.

What would happen if you got very excited and

did not go on to orgasm? Many men believe that the
lack of orgasm would lead to the condition commonly
called blue balls or lover's nuts: pain, discomfort, or
soreness in the testes. This belief is easy to under-
stand when you realize that the fantasy model of sex
almost invariably includes orgasm for the male. The
implication seems to be that its absence would be
disastrous.
In fact, it is not disastrous. There may be some
soreness or pain, but this is rare. You might want to
think back over your sexual experiences and see if this
is true for you. Be sure to include all instances where,
whether with masturbation or with a partner, you got
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 125

very aroused and did not ejaculate. How many times

was there pain? Probably very few, although those are
the ones we tend to remember. Try to keep in mind
that it's not necessary to ejaculate every time you
have sex. It's nice when it happens but there's no rea-
son to try to force it. You and your partner will proba-
bly feel better stopping while you are still feeling
good. Working at producing an ejaculation has a way
of making sex boring or frustrating.
Ejaculation is a spinal reflex which, as we men-
tioned earlier, reverses the flow of blood in the body,
draining it away from the penis and other engorged
areas, and releases the muscular tension that has
been built up. Two distinct steps are involved in ejacu-
lation. In the first, the prostate, seminal vesicles, and
vas deferens contract, pouring their contents into the
urethra; the sperm mix with the secretions of the semi-
nal vesicles and the prostate to form the ejaculate.
The contractions are the beginning of ejaculation and
are often interpreted by the man as "It's starting" or
"I'm going to come." Masters and Johnson have called
this ejaculatory inevitability. Since the ejaculatory
process is already in motion, ejaculation is indeed
inevitable. Nothing can stop it once the point of in-
evitability has been reached.
During the second step of the ejaculatory process,
the fluid is propelled through the urethra by strong
contractions of the muscles in the pelvis. The semen
may spurt several inches or even feet beyond the tip
of the penis, or it may just ooze out. The number of
contractions, the amount of ejaculate, and the force
with which it is ejaculated are dependent on a number
of factors, including age and amount of time since the
last ejaculation.
Ejaculation involves more of the body than just the
penis and internal genitalia. Respiration, blood pres-
sure, and heartbeat rate increase as the man ap-
proaches ejaculation, usually peaking at the moment
of ejaculation. Involuntary muscle contractions and
spasms may occur in various parts of the body, includ-
ing the legs, stomach, arms, and back. Ejaculation is a
126 MALE SEXUALITY
total body response, not just something that happens in
the crotch.
Most authorities have accepted the contention of
Masters and Johnson that while women have several
different patterns of orgasmic response, only one type
of ejaculatory response is possible for men. We disagree
with this thinking, having ourselves experienced dif-
ferent ejaculatory patterns and having heard from a
number of other men that they sometimes have ejacu-
lations substantially different from the Masters and
Johnson standard. Sometimes the excitement is so in-
tense before ejaculation that it in itself feels like a long
orgasm, and the actual ejaculation not only doesn't add
anything to it but is experienced as a letdown. Another
variant seems similar in some ways to multiple or-
—
gasms in women a number of peaks that feel like
mild orgasms are experienced, with ejaculation occur-
ring only during the last one. Still another pattern in-
volves continued pelvic contractions far beyond the
usual number and long after the last of the ejaculate
has appeared. Such contractions are accompanied by
feelings of intense pleasure, sometimes as pleasurable
as those accompanying the ejaculation.
We strongly believe that future research in this
area will confirm that there are many different ejacu-
latory patterns in men. Whichever pattern or patterns
you experience are perfectly normal. There is no
one right way.
While ejaculation and orgasm are often used syn-
onymously even by some sex experts, we find it useful
to distinguish between them. Ejaculation is the physical
process involved in propelling the semen through the
penis. Orgasm refers to what you feel. Generally the
two go together; you ejaculate and enjoy very pleasur-
able feelings. But one can occur without the other. You
can have orgasms without ejaculating. Some men have
trained themselves to do this and, according to their
reports, have been able to have multiple orgasms like
women. And some men, who have trained themselves
carefully to tune into their sensations during sex, say
that they sometimes notice very high peaks of feeling
long before ejaculation. Were they not so indoctrinated
 —
THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 127

in the idea that orgasm occurs only with pelvic con-

tractions and ejaculation, they would be inclined to call
these psaks orgasms.
The reverse situation is more common, where the
—
man ejaculates there's the white stuff to prove it
but feels very little. If this happens infrequently,
there's nothing to worry about. But a number of men
have consulted us about the possibility of enhancing
their orgasms, and this question deserves comment.
Even when you get past the unrealistic expectations
(orgasms rarely feel like what D. H. Lawrence or other
purveyors of fantasy sex lead you to think they'll be
like), it is clear that many men do not experience as
much feeling with their ejaculations as is possible.
Near the end of this chapter we offer some suggestions
that have been helpful in increasing orgasmic feeling.
After ejaculation, your body starts to return to where
it was before the sexual experience began. As blood

flows out of it, your penis returns to its nonerect state.

The rate at which this occurs depends on many fac-
tors and varies from time to time. Sometimes your
erection may go down immediately, while at other
times it may stay relatively firm for many minutes af-
ter ejaculation.
The scrotal sac and testes descend to their normal
position. Blood pressure and pulse and breathing rate
gradually return to their prearousal levels. The sex
flush disappears and a thin film of perspiration may
appear over much of your body.
During this period of resolution many men expe-
rience feelings of lassitude and deep relaxation, and
for some this immediately leads to sleep, often to the
chagrin of their partners. For some of the men we've
worked with, it's been clear that falling asleep directly
after orgasm has been an escape from activities — cud-
dling, relaxed talk, relating without a goal — with which
they were uncomfortable. Once they became more
comfortable doing these things, they tended to stay
awake longer most of the time. And sometimes, of
course, sleep is just the best thing to do after sex.
In situations where high levels of stimulation con-
tinue after orgasm, some men, particularly younger
128 MALE SEXUALITY
ones, may not go through a clearly defined resolution
period. They may begin to get aroused and erect again
fairly quickly. For most men, however, once ejacula-
tion has occurred, a definite period of rest called a—
refractory period —
is necessary before they can again
respond to sexual stimulation. The length of the re-
fractory period varies according to a number of fac-
tors, including age and amount of time since last
ejaculation.
When there has been excitement and no orgasm, the
resolution period usually takes longer. The muscular
tension and accumulation of blood are released more
slowly than when there has been an ejaculation. Be-
cause of this, you may feel a bit congested in the pel-
vis and perhaps a little tense or jittery. If it's more
than this, you might want to consider how much of it
ispsychological, due to feelings of disappointment or
anger because you think you should have come.

We now return to the enhancement of orgasms, but

first letus repeat that the bombs-bursting and mind-
blowing orgasms of the fantasy model are not what
we have in mind. We are simply dealing with methods
that are helpful for increasing bodily sensations or the
experience of such sensations during ejaculation.
One of the best ways to increase the enjoyment of
any experience is it, to really be
to fully participate in
there when it is occurring. Since many people seem to
—
be someplace else during sex thinking about other
matters, wondering if they are doing it right or if their
partner is satisfied —
their pleasure can be enhanced by
paying more attention to their sensations. Many of the
exercises in thebook are designed to help you focus
on your Doing them as suggested will in-
sensations.
crease your awareness of what you are experiencing,
making your orgasms, as well as the rest of your sexual
experiences, more enjoyable.
Other methods involve relaxing the degree of con-
trol that many men exercise on themselves during sex.
Men often seem to try to keep their bodies and feel-
ings under control by limiting their movements, breath-
ing, and sound, so much so that a number of women
 THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEX 129

have told us that they usually can't tell if their part-

ners have had an orgasm. Restricting your body in
such ways tends to reduce feeling, and therefore plea-
sure. Check to see if you are controlling your breath-
ing— by slowing it down or even holding your breath
during orgasm —or restricting your movements, or sup-
pressing noises. If you are, you might want to allow
yourself to do the opposite the next time you have sex.
Don't try to let go of all your controls at once; just do
one thing you've been preventing yourself from doing
before. Perhaps there are some moans or grunts or
cries that want to come out; let one or two come out
the first time you try this. Or perhaps you can allow
your body greater leeway in moving the way it wants.
And be sure you breathe (good advice under any cir-
cumstances). If you notice that your breathing is slow
before or during orgasm, experiment with taking quick
breaths, panting, during these times. Gradually relax
more of your controls and see if you aren't experienc-
ing fuller orgasms.
The lastmethod of increasing the orgasmic expe-
rience the strengthening of the pelvic muscles that
is
produce the ejaculation by their contractions. The
exercise we use for this also serves other important
functions and has an interesting history. It was devel-
oped by a gynecologist, Dr. Arnold Kegel, for women
who had trouble holding their urine after childbirth.
Many of his patients reported greater sexual enjoy-
ment as a result of doing the exercise, and this led Dr.
Kegel to consider the importance of the pelvic muscu-
lature to female sexual responsiveness. In the years
since then, thousands of women have increased their
sexual responsiveness by doing the Kegel exercise.
We tried the Kegel exercise ourselves out of curios-
ity and, since it produced interesting results, started
suggesting it to clients. Regular practice strengthens
the muscles that surround the penis and improves the
circulation of blood in the pelvis, a factor of obvious
importance since increased flow of blood to the penis
is what makes an erection.
The exercise has been useful for several types of
situations and problems. Many men who practiced it
 130 MALE SEXUALITY
report stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Others
have used it to develop better ejaculatory control, a

point we discuss further in Chapter 15. And it's also

been helpful to men with erection problems and those
who didn't experience much feeling in their pelvises.
EXERCISE 7-2: KEGELS
Time Required: A few minutes a day
First you need to get in touch with your pelvic muscles, and
there are two ways of doing this. One way is simply to con-
tract your buttocks as you sit or stand. Pretend that you are in
danger of having a bowel movement but need to keep it in un-
til you can get to a bathroom. The muscles you squeeze to

hold it in are the ones you will use in the exercise. The other
way of getting in touch with these muscles is to stop and start
the flow several times next time you urinate. The muscles you
squeeze to stop the flow are the ones you're interested in.
The exercise itself is quite simple. Start by squeezing and
releasing the muscles fifteen times. There is no need to hold
the contraction for now; just squeeze and let go. Do one set of
fifteen twice a day. At first, you may also be squeezing your
stomach and thigh muscles. It will take a few days until you
acquire the coordination to squeeze only the pelvic muscles.
When this happens, you can do the exercise unobtrusively any-
where—while driving a car, watching television, reading, at a
meeting, and so forth.
Do the Kegels every day, gradually increasing the number
until you can do at least sixty or seventy twice a day. Build up
slowly; we have known a few men who tried to do too many
the first few days and developed sore muscles.
When you can do sixty or seventy comfortably, you can also
do a slight variation. Instead of immediately releasing the
contraction, hold it for a count of three, then relax and repeat
Work up to sixty or seventy of these twice a day.
You can do both the long and short Kegels, making two
sets of each per day, or alternate between them, doing the
long one day and the short the next.
Some men have developed rather extraordinary control
over their penises by experimenting with the muscular move-
ments. They can move their penises back and forth and from
side to side. We're not sure what good this does, but some
people like to experiment
Continue doing the long and short Kegels for at least six
weeks. Results usually aren't noticeable for a month or more.
As you continue doing them, they will become automatic and
require no conscious attention or effort.
 8
Touching
To be held is support;
to be touched is contact;
to be touched sensitively
is to be cared for.

Our culture highly sexual but not very sensual (sen-

is
sual defined here as body contact that is pleasurable
but not erotic). While the manipulation and union of
genitals is greatly valued and much discussed, there
has been, at least until very recently, an almost whole-
sale disregard for the uses and pleasures of other kinds
of physical contact. For many adults, only two kinds of
touching seem acceptable: the superficial and ritual-
ized (shaking hands, a pat on the back, a hug when
greeting and leaving) and the sexual (anything that
is a prelude to or part of sexual activity). have We
sexualized touching to the point where all but the most
superficial types of touch are thought to be sexual
invitations.
Several astute observers of the American scene
have claimed that we suffer from sensory starvation, a
lack of nonsexual touching, and worse, that most of us
are unaware of how damaging this state of affairs is.
Touching is important to us throughout our lives and,
strange as it may sound now, the amount and quality

131
132 MALE SEXUALITY
of our nonsexual touching experiences are intimately
related to how satisfied we are with our sexual activ-
ities.
The importance of touching in human life can hardly
be overemphasized. The tactile sense is the first to de-
velop: an embryo is sensitive to touch long before it
can see and hear, long before it even has eyes and
ears. Touching is essential for healthy development.
Babies who have not received sufficient tactile stim-
ulation —
hugging, cuddling, kissing —
do not develop
normally and many do not grow at all; the mortality
rate for babies deprived of touchingis extremely high.
In the months after birth, touching can literally mean
the difference between life and death. Parents, espe-
cially mothers, seem to understand this instinctively
and engage in a lot of physical contact with their ba-
bies. Unfortunately, this lasts for only a few years, af-
ter which there is a sharp decline.
The child's training about touching begins fairly ear-
ly, as he starts to hear what soon becomes a familiar
litany. "Don't touch this, it'll hurt you." "Don't touch
break it." "Don't touch yourself, it's naugh-
that, you'll
ty." "Don't touch him (or her), it's not nice." Over
and over he hears, "Don't touch!" Where touching
was once a source of pleasure to him, his first knowl-
edge of being cared for and his main way of exploring
the world, it now becomes a problem: touching pro-
vokes his parents' wrath. So he starts to feel inhibited
about touching and guilty about the pleasures derived
from it.

The rule not to touch is also taught by an important

omission. The child may rarely see anyone else touch-
ing. Aside from perfunctory hugs or pecks on the
cheek, many children don't see their parents being
physically affectionate. While there are many excep-
tions —
with some people reporting lots of physical
affection between their parents —
we have been aston-
ished by the number of people we have talked to
who could barely recall even a few instances of
physical affection in their homes. The child also sees
that he isn't being touched much either. Perhaps a
small peck from his mother before he goes to bed, and
 TOUCHING 133

being held if he hurts himself, but only in the very

early years, and that's about it. He soon learns that
when adults talk about getting in touch or keeping in
touch, they certainly don't mean it literally.
Another message is also conveyed to the child:
touching is sexual. If he does see his parents touching,
it is followed by embarrassment (and what is he to

make of that?) or by their going off to the bedroom,

telling him they don't want to be disturbed. It doesn't
take him long to figure out what that means. And the
media, from which he learns .so much, reinforce the
message. People hug, then kiss, then they have sex.
Slowly, but very surely, the child acquires the societal
understanding about touching: it is sexual.
Although America is a particularly nontouching so-
ciety and the restrictions we have discussed apply to
almost everyone, it is evident that boys fare much
worse in this drama than girls. Boys generally get much
less touching than girls. Their mothers are likely to
stop touching sons at a much earlier age than they
stop touching daughters. The reluctance to continue
being physically affectionate with sons seems to stem
from two reasons. First, some mothers fear that their
sons will interpret the touching as sexual and that this
may be a cause of later psychological difficulties. Sec-
ond, mothers as well as fathers know the masculine
model and fear that too much "mothering" may make
sissies of their sons. Areal man shouldn't need to be
hugged or held, so the boy has to be weaned early
from such "feminine" or "childish" practices.
Fathers, having lived in a culture that is terrified of
affectionate physical contact between males, do not
touch their sons much after infancy. Since it is the father
whom the boy will try to emulate, a very powerful les-
son is transmitted by this lack of touching. The boy
also does not see other males touching. He sees that
men shake hands and pat one another on the back,
and nothing else. Again, he learns something about
touching. A girl, on the other hand, sees other females
touching. She sees her mother hugging and kissing rel-
atives and friends, and this is reinforced by seeing and
reading about other women being physically affection-
134 MALE SEXUALITY
ate. The lesson she learns is somewhat different from
that learned by boys.
Girls also have far greater permission to experience
their own sensuality —
not, of course, by touching
"down there," but in many other ways. It's considered
normal and acceptable for a girl to derive physical
pleasure from wearing frilly clothes, from washing
herself or brushing her hair, and from trying out dif-
ferent scents on herself. These concessions may seem
small, but they are far more than is permitted for
boys.
Boys learn that physical contact is acceptable only in
sports and sex. There are no taboos against touching
if you are playing football, or wrestling, or boxing, or

in some other way being rough. One cause, as well as

result, of this notion can be seen in the way fathers
handle their sons. They often seem uncomfortable just
holding or cuddling their boys, being more at ease
when throwing them around or engaging in mock
wrestling or boxing bouts. Since roughness is what
we learned, it's no surprise that we often show affec-
tion by being rough, by wrestling with our lovers and
playfully punching our friends. And it's no surprise that
we're often rough in sex, less gentle than our partners
would like.
The main way for a man to have physical contact
isby having sex, and the equating of touching and sex
causes no end of problems for us. As discussed earlier,
it hinders the expression of physical affection be-
tween parents and children, for the parents are con-
cerned about the possible sexual implications. It also
gets in the way of physical contact between both
same-sex and opposite-sex friends. Men who have been
friends for twenty years are often afraid to touch one
another because, as one man put it, "Other people
might think I was gay. Hell, even I might begin to
wonder." And to touch a woman friend might be con-
strued as sexual by her, by you, and by God knows
whom else. The link between sex and physical affec-
tion even works to keep lovers from touching each
other. Since touching is seen not so much as a thing
in itself but as the first step toward intercourse, many
 TOUCHING 135

people won't touch unless they feel ready and willing

to "go all the way."
The taboo on touching except as a part of sex con-
fuses us about what we want and how to get it. Ashley
Montagu, a pioneer in the exploration of the impor-
tance of touching, says in his book Touching that "it
is highly probable that . .the frenetic preoccupation
.

with sex that characterizes Western culture is in many

cases not the expression of a sexual interest at all,
but rather a search for the satisfaction of the need for
contact." And this seems to be truer for men than
women.
In growing up, girls more so than boys were allowed
to express and explore their desire for physical contact.
Having the permission, girls learned to differentiate
their needs for support, comfort, validation, a sense
of connection with another, and similar needs from
the need for sex. In fact, given the way girls were
brought up, sex was the one need they had trouble
noticing and expressing. Boys developed in the oppo-
site direction. Wanting sex was legitimate, even en-
couraged, while such things as wanting to be held or
loved or to know they were not alone were unac-
ceptable.
These needs did not disappear in boys and men.
They simply went underground and got reorganized
and relabeled. Wanting a hug or to feel close to an-
other sounded too effeminate, but wanting sex was the
epitome of masculinity; and in sex you could get some
of these other things as well. After years of practice,
the man just never felt a need for closeness or comfort
or support. All he wanted was — sex. Whenever he
felt something that might be called warm or close or
—
loving, he read it as indicating a desire for sex.
This may seem like a brilliant feat of engineering,
but the result too often for too many men has been a
frustrating confusion about what they want, and there-
fore an inability to meet many of their needs. One
place where this is especially evident is in the rela-
tions between men. Many men are realizing that they
want something from other men: closeness, under-
standing, camaraderie, support, and so forth. But as
 136 MALE SEXUALITY
soon as they start getting any of these things, they very
often pull back in fear and sometimes come into ther-
apy to discuss their "latent homosexual feelings." This
is especially true of men who have engaged in some
physical contact with other men and found it plea-
surable. Because touching is so closely tied to sex in
our thinking, they decide that what they really want
from other men is sex and, since that is unacceptable
to them, they should just stay away from men. What
they fail to see is that touching need not be sexual,
any more than feelings of love or closeness or caring
need to be sexual. One can hug or cuddle a man or a
woman or a child, or animal for that matter, and not
have sex. Touching serves many functions, sex be-
ing only one and probably not the most important.
But, we have been asked, cannot touching lead to
sexual feelings and erections? Of course, it often does,
but that in itself doesn't mean a lot nor does it imply
a necessary course of action. In the first place, an erec-
tion can be caused by lots of things and does not neces-
sarily indicate a desire for sex. Your erections need
not run your life. Men often have such limited ideas
about what erections mean and what must be done
about them. The following story proved very helpful to
many of the men we worked with in workshops dealing
with male friendships, where there was great concern
about what it meant if a man got aroused or erect
when touching or being with another man.
As a teenager, John frequently rode on buses. The
vibrations of the bus, sometimes combined with ado-
lescent sex fantasies, often produced an erection. De-
spite the erection, and despite the fact that it was often
accompanied by feelings of arousal, he somehow man-
aged to contain himself and never became a bus-
fucker.

The second point we want to make is that even if

your feelings about someone are sometimes clearly
sexual, you don't have to act on them. It is possible for
all of us to be turned-on by many different people and
even things. We have talked to men who became
aroused and erect while stroking a child or pet, and
 TOUCHING 137

to a few who have become

aroused while listening to
music or watching a sunset. And neither they nor you
have to do anything about such events except, if you
wish, appreciate the good feelings.
It has become clear to us that men need different
things from different types of people. They need men
as well as women, though perhaps for different rea-
sons, and many feel incomplete unless they can also
relate to people much older as well as those much
younger than themselves. It seems a great tragedy
that we separate ourselves from those we want to be
with because of our fears about what being close and
touching imply. They need indicate nothing more than
what they obviously are, and we don't mean sex.
Even lovers don't seem to touch as much as they
want. This is not usually true in the beginning of a re-
lationship where the couple seems unable to keep their
hands off each other: they are always holding hands,
kissing, hugging, and so on. But when the relation-
ship becomes sexual, the nonsexual touching often de-
clines rather sharply. The following observation by
Masters and Johnson in their book The Pleasure Bond
is consistent with our own:

Once a sexual relationship has been established, most

young couples use touch as little more than a word-
less way to communicate a willingness, a wish or a
demand to make love. It is functional; beyond that, it
seems of limited value and is regarded, especially by
men, as a waste of time and effort, an unnecessary
postponement of intercourse.

Interestingly, many men and women will admit, the

men usually with some embarrassment, that they
really would like more nonsexual affection. But the
men wonder if it's OK for a man to feel that way and
they fear "leading their partners on." One man put
it this way:

I've gotten through the thing about men not needing

touching. I know I like to be held without wanting
to have sex. But I'm afraid that the woman will get
turned-on and want to have sex. Then, if I'm not in
138 MALE SEXUALITY
that space, she'll get mad at me or at least be disap-
pointed. I just don't feel it's right to lead her on.

Now look at what the woman he was seeing at the

time said.

I guess I'm just an old-fashioned woman but I just

love to be held and touched. It's much more impor-
tant to me than sex. But I'm almost afraid to touch
Ralph. He thinks that I want sex and immediately
starts into the foreplay routine. Or else, if he's not in
a sexual mood, he runs away. . . Really, he starts
.

making excuses about having to get up early or just

happens to remember that he forgot something and
gets busy taking out the garbage or doing some other
chore. You'd think I was asking for a two-hour screw
rather than some snuggling.

The problem was that neither of them was asking for

anything, at least not in a way that was clear to the
other. They were busily not getting what they wanted
even though, as far as touching went, they both wanted
the same thing.
And what does touching have to do with the quality
of your sexual behavior? Probably quite a bit. For most
people, sex is best, and the chances for avoiding sexual
problems highest, when they have sex only when
their conditions are met and when sex is really what
they want. When you use sex as a way of fulfilling
—
nonsexual needs e.g., the need for support, love,
physical contact — you run the risk of disappointment,
sex that isn't quite satisfying, and perhaps even the be-
ginning of a sexual problem. Your penis may be un-
interested in your desire for some cuddling and may
refuse to respond. And, when you think about it, going
through a whole sexual experience just to get a hug is a
lot of unnecessary exertion.
When physical contact and affection are restricted
to your lover, and then only as a part of sexual activ-
ity, sex takes on an exaggerated importance. You ex-
pect and want it to meet all the needs that aren't
being met elsewhere. Sex can become weighed down
with these expectations. As we have said a number of
times, our sexual systems are fragile and do not work
 —
TOUCHING 139

well when too great a burden is placed on them. Get

your sexual needs and desires fulfilled in sex; satisfy
your needs for other kinds of contact and affection in
more appropriate ways.
Ask yourself if you'd like more touching than you
are currently getting. If the answer is yes, all you have
to do is start touching more. Choose someone you care
—
about whether a partner, relative, or close friend
and next time you are with that person touch a bit
more than you have before. Don't try to do too much
too soon. If you haven't touched at all before, a pat on
the hand or back or shoulder may be sufficient the first
time. When you see that person again, go a bit further.
You may wish to talk to your friend about wanting to
touch more; if so, do it. If you've already engaged in
some touching with the person and simply want to do
more, just do it. There may be a specific type of touch-
ing you want. It may take some courage, but see if you
can try to get it.

A couple told us this story at a men's conference.

They had always done lots of touching but the man
had wanted something that took him months to ask for.
Since he was almost a foot taller than the woman, he
always felt like the giver or comforter whenever they
hugged, even in bed. He wanted to experience the
feeling of being the smaller person, the one being
comforted. He finally got up the nerve to deal with
this one day when his partner was standing on a chair.
He went over and put his arms around her and she
hugged back. This was a very pleasant experience for
him so he told her about his secret desire. It made a
lot of sense to her that he sometimes wanted to be
"mothered" this way and they have since incorporated
this into their touching activities. It turned out that
she very much enjoys being the taller one and "moth-
ering" him.

Another thing you can do is to ask yourself what

you really want when you think you want sex. Is it
closeness to someone you care about? Compassion?
Understanding? Support? A feeling of connectedness?
Knowing that she cares? Physical contact? Inter-
course? Orgasm?
140 MALE SEXUALITY
When you have some idea of what you want, ask
what the best way of getting it now. Would a hug do?
is

Being held? A
conversation? Giving or getting a mas-
sage?
The results of such questioning can be amusing as
well as informative, as indicated by this example.

A few years ago, I taught two three-hour classes one

day a week, with an office hour sandwiched in between. ,

I was drained by the end of the day and could barely

crawl to my car. But I noticed that about an hour
before the end of the second class I started feeling
very aroused and thinking how nice it would be to
have sex when I got home. One day, when I was
feeling particularly tired and having the sexual fan-
tasies, I thought: "This is crazy. I don't have the en-
ergy to stand up or do anything. What makes me think
I want sex? I wonder what's going on?" As I started to
drive my car home, I got my answer, in the form of
another fantasy. When I got home, the fantasy went, a
woman greeted me warmly, helped me undress and
guided me to a bath she had drawn. Then she lov-
ingly washed and dried me, after which she spoon-
fed me supper. When that was over, she tucked me in
bed, turned out the lights, and left. The fantasy ended
with me falling asleep, feeling very good and well
cared for. As soon as I had this fantasy, I realized it
expressed my
needs far better than the sexual fanta-
sies. I was and felt I had put out all day, trying
tired
to care for the needs of my students. I now wanted
someone to take care of me. Sex was about the last
thing I wanted but, even so, my first clue that I wanted
anything was a feeling of sexual arousal.

Of course, sometimes you're going to be clear that

sex is exactly what you want and, when that's the case,
sex is what you should have. But we encourage you to
consider these other possibilities since men so often
ignore them and think of sex when they would, in fact,
be happier with something else.
To help you discover more about what you can get
from touching, we offer a few simple exercises. You
might want to try them regardless of what specific
changes you want to make in your sexual behavior.
A good way of getting back into touching is to start
 TOUCHING 141

touching yourself. This the way you learned about

is
yourself as an infant, and there is much to be said for
it as a means of giving yourself pleasure. Unfortunate-

ly, most adult men touch themselves only when they

masturbate, when the touching is confined to a very
small portion of their anatomy.

EXERCISE 8-1: SELF BODY-RUB WITH LOTION

Time Required: 30 to 45 minutes

Get undressed, put some kind of lubricant on your hands

(hand or body lotion is fine), sit or lie down, and begin to
stroke yourself. Touch and stroke all the parts of your body
that are readily accessible. Vary the types of strokes and pres-
sures. Try very light touches, circular movements, both long
and short strokes, and so forth. Play around with differ-
slaps,
ent types of touchesand try to keep your attention on the skin
immediately under where your hand is touching. Just be in
touch with what it feels like. Go slowly and experience the
sensations. Be aware of how and where you most like to be
touched.
You may include your genitals in the touching, but do not
spend a disproportionate amount of time on them.
Although this exercise is not intended to produce arousal or
erection, it sometimes does. Whatever happens in this regard
is fine. Should you become aroused, just enjoy it. Do not mas-
turbate while doing the exercise, however.
Do this exercise one or two times. What did you learn about
yourself? Did you learn some things you'd like to share with a
partner? Are there any types of touching you'd like to continue
giving yourself on a more or less regular basis?

There are many ways of including pleasurable self-

touching in your daily life. You may, in fact, already
be doing some of the things we suggest, but perhaps
you are not taking the time to experience the enjoyable
sensations produced. Washing and combing your hair,
soaking in a hot bath, taking a shower, and drying
yourself are activities that lend themselves to experi-
encing the sensations of touch, but only if done lei-
surely and with some awareness of your feelings at the
time. Most men simply rush through these activities,
with little or no awareness of what they feel. Try to
take your time.
All of these activities can also be done with a part-
 .

142 MALE SEXUALITY

ner. If you've never washed your partner's hair and
had her wash yours, or if you've never bathed or
showered together, you may want to try it. You may
be surprised at how much fun can be derived from
such simple experiences.
Another way of getting more experience with touch-
ing is to get a professional massage. This can be es-
pecially valuable if you have trouble being passive; the
masseur or masseuse will help you just to receive. A
good massage can also be a marvelous means of re-
ducing tension.
Should you decide to get a massage, be careful
where you go. Most so-called massage parlors are noth-
ing but houses of prostitution, a fine example of how
sex and touching have become confused. Legitimate
masseurs and masseuses do not offer sex, and their
advertisements do not feature naked women or prom-
ises of blowing your mind (or something else)
It is very important in doing touching exercises
with your partner that both of you understand that
they are not to end in sex. Otherwise, there is a risk
that one of you will feel misunderstood or misled. Al-
so, when touching is merely a prelude to sex, there is a
tendency not fully to "get into it" or experience it,
since you're looking forward to the "more important"
activity that is to follow. When you're more comfort-
able with both touching and sex, and with getting your
various needs met, you can do whatever you want,
sometimes touching for its own sake and sometimes
using it as a prelude to sex. But in the beginning, it's
best to be clear that touching is not to lead to anything
else.
One of our students, Penny Schuchman, gave the
name "nondemand snuggling" to the instructions we
gave couples for being physically affectionate without
going on to sex. Snuggling refers to any type of physi-
cal contact that is pleasurable or comforting, while
nondemand means that there is to be no expectation,
request, ordemand that it lead to sexual activity. Non-
demand snuggling is simply touching for its own sake,
the type of contact we have been discussing in this
 TOUCHING 143

chapter. Here is an exercise that will assist you in cul-

tivating it.

EXERCISE 8-2: NONDEMAND SNUGGLING

Time Required: Variable, but usually 5 to 20 minutes

Tell your partner you do not want sex but would like to be
close to her.Whether you are clothed or not is up to you. Pick
—
a comfortable place sitting or lying on a sofa, bed, or the
floor —
and be close in any way that you want. You might want
to hold each other with little or no movement or activity,
or you may prefer that one or both of you lightly stroke the
other (leaving out breasts and genitals).
Use your imagination and try different things. Perhaps put-
ting your head in her lap, or vice versa, doing some back-
scratching, toe-pulling, scalp-rubbing, or maybe just lying next
to one another. Try whatever you want, but take it slow: give
yourself a chance to experience and savor the sensations. Make
sure you are passive at least part of the time, just experiencing
what is happening.

Continue for as long as you want and stop when you feel
like it. Should one or both of you fall asleep during the ex-
perience, that is fine.
People sometimes get sexually aroused during the exercise
and that can be nice. Do not have sex. Just continue doing
what you are doing.
If this experience is new for you, a few minutes is sufficient
the first few times you do it. Gradually increase the amount
of time until you are comfortable with ten to twenty minutes
of snuggling.
If you don't have a partner, you might want to consider do-
ing the exercise with a friend. In any case, you should think
about how you will do it when you are in a relationship. The
chances are that sex will be better in a new relationship if
you do lots of snuggling before you get to sex.

We wonder if you found yourself being very active

during the exercise. Many men find it difficult to be
passive, sometimes just to lie still and experience their
partners' touching them. If that is true for you, try
lying on your hands next time you do the exercise. Be-
ing passive may feel very strange to you, so proceed
gradually, increasing the amount of passive time as
you feel comfortable doing so. You can, of course, do
something for your partner before or qfter. It is very
144 MALE SEXUALITY
important for both your sensual and sexual enjoy-
ment that you develop the capacity to do nothing ex-
cept experience your partner's touching you.
The next exercise is more formalized and detailed
than the preceding one but the general goal remains
the same. It is important that it be done as described
and that it not lead to sex. If you do not have a part-
ner, you might want to do it with a friend. If you
follow this option, feel free to exclude the genitals if
that will make you more comfortable.

EXERCISE 8-3: NONSIMULTANEOUS BODY-RUBS

Time Required: 30 to 60 minutes

In both steps of the exercise, one of you gives a light, strok-

ing body-rub to the other. How light depends on individual
preferences, but you should avoid the heavy, kneading type
of rubbing usually called massage*
You will need a warm room, a comfortable place for the
receiver to lie, and a lubricant (hand lotion, massage oil, or
baby powder).
First you must decide who will give and who will receive
in a particular session. The nonsimultaneous in the title of the
exercise means that the distinction between giver and receiver
must be rigidly adhered to. The receiver is not to touch or do
anything else to or for the giver, except as specified in the
instructions.
Since the receiver may not feel like doing anything active af-
ter the session, we suggest you not plan to have two sessions
back to back. It is usually best to wait at least an hour between
sessions.
The goal of both steps is to allow you to experience touching
and being touched without any other ends in mind. The giver
should focus on his touching and the receiver on the sensa-
tions produced by being touched.
You may or may not get turned-on, you may or may not en-
joy the experience. Whatever happens is fine. Just keep in mind
that this exercise is not a prelude to anything. It is simply
what it is.
Step A: The giver touches, strokes, and rubs his partner for
his own pleasure, doing whatever he wants. The receiver
should accept what is done without comment unless there is
pain or discomfort, in which case she should ask the giver to
discontinue what he is doing.
The giver should use this opportunity to explore his part-
body with different types of touch, pressure, and rhythm.
ner's
 TOUCHING 145

Touch where and how yon want to for your own pleasure. Dis-
cover what you like to do.
Spend at least thirty minutes per session. When time is up,
take a few minutes talking about what the experience
was like
liked most and
for each of you. You should both say what you
difficulties you
least about the experience, and also indicate any
—
experienced e.g., in being active or passive or in doing what
you wanted. This talking is useful for learning how to com-
municate better about physical preferences; include it after
every session and be as specific as possible.
Give and receive at least one rub before going on to the
next step.
Step B: Here the receiver is in complete control, giving
directionson where and how he wants to be touched, while the
giver simply follows the instructions.
The receiver should use this opportunity to discover where
and how he likes to be touched. You can ask for anything at all
as long as there is not a disproportionate amount of attention
given to the genitals. Try new things and places even if you're
not sure how they will feel. If you've ever wondered how it
would feel to have the areas between your toes touched, or
how a light touch would do on your lower back, or anything
else, now is the time to find out. Make sure you are getting
precisely what you want, no matter how many times you have
to give instructions or demonstrate to the giver.
The giver should do everything that is asked so long as it is
not obnoxious or uncomfortable for her. She should also feel
free to ask for more specific instructions if needed.
Spend at least thirty minutes per session and, as in Step A,
take some time afterward to share your feelings about what
the experience was like. This may be more complex than in
Step A for there are sometimes problems around the giving and
following of instructions. If such difficulties are present, use
this time to deal with them. The receiver should be as
clear as
possible about what he wanted and the giver should talk about
the difficulties encountered in following the instructions. The
better you can resolve these issues now, the easier it will be
for you when you do exercises dealing more directly with
genital touching.
You should each give and get at least two rubs and be com-
fortable with both giving and following directions before leav-
ing this exercise.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS (in Step B)

1. Receiver does not give sufficient feedback to giver. As
receiver, you should give as much feedback as you are com-
fortable with, indicating not only desired changes but also
when the stroking is just as you want it. For example: "A little
 146 MALE SEXUALITY
higher and a bit lighter . . . that's the right place but lighter
yet . . . that's perfect, just like that"
If you have trouble giving instructions because you feel guil-
ty, see point 2.
2. Receiver feels guilty about getting and tries to take care
of the giver. Many people have trouble receiving, feeling that
they don't deserve it, that they are being selfish, or that the
giver is really bored and doesn't want to give to them. In re-
sponse to these feelings, they may try to make it easier for the
giver by not giving instructions or by cutting the session short,
or they may try to repay the giver by doing something for her
(e.g., rubbing her or saying nice things when they should just
be receiving). Try to resist doing these "nice" things, as they
only hinder progress. It will probably be useful to talk to your
partner about what is going on, your feelings about just receiv-
ing, your concerns about what she is thinking, and so on.
If you absolutely must pay some dues (i.e., take care of the
giver), do so before or after the session, not during it Some
men find it easier to receive if they have already done some-
thing for their partner, so you may want to give her a rub in
the morning if she is going to do one for you later in the day.
3. Giver has trouble following directions. This can happen
for a number of reasons. If you are not clear about what your
partner is asking for, request clarification. If you are clear but
have some trouble complying, talk it out with her; let her know
what's getting in your way and see if something can be worked
out (and remember that you should not do anything that is
distasteful or uncomfortable for you).
A problem encountered by many men is that they try to do
what is asked and men get frustrated and angry when they are
corrected. Try to remember that the exercise encourages ex-
ploration. We want the receiver to ask for many different
things, to make corrections, and to feel free to change her
mind. And the giver must therefore be willing to follow the
changes and corrections.
Being the giver is often frustrating. You may feel like a
child, trying your best to do what is asked but somehow being
unable to satisfy your partner. This is due in part to the fact
that we often touch another the way we want, without con-
sidering what they want. Learning to follow detailed instruc-
tions, which may not even be clear to the receiver, is a bit
difficult and may be new to you. like any new experience or
skill, it takes time and patience.

You may have experienced more difficulty than an-

ticipated in giving directions on how and where you
wanted to be touched. Let's use an example of scratch-
ing an itch to see how this can happen. When you
 TOUCHING 147

scratch your own itch, you make use of an automatic,

nonverbal, self-correcting feedback loop. Your nervous
system has precise and accurate information on where
the itch is and what should be done to relieve it, and it
guides your hand accordingly. There is continuous
feedback regarding the itch and the efforts to relieve
it, causing corrective action as needed, moving the
position of your scratching fingers, their pace, pres-
sure, and so on. All this is done without words, without
conscious effort, and perhaps even without your
knowledge.
The situation is radically changed when your part-
ner is scratching you. Her nervous system gets no in-
formation about the itch or her efforts to relieve it
other than what you show or tell her. To supply the
information to her, you need to make verbal what was
automatic and nonverbal when you did it yourself. And
this can be frustrating. Practice and learning are re-
quired to unscramble the automatic feedback loop so
that it is, first, clear to you, and second, so that it is
understandable to your partner. It may help to keep
in mind that there's no way your partner can know
what you want unless you tell her. She simply does not
have access to the continuous stream of information
that your body is supplying to you. You, of course,
may not have much experience in making explicit the
nonverbal messages of your nervous system. Continued
practice will definitely help and we hope you can learn
to enjoy it.
Most of the men we have worked with found the
touching exercises enjoyable and real eye-openers. They
had forgotten how much fun it can be to touch and
be touched.

Jack, a man in his forties who had come for therapy

with his wife, agreed to try the touching exercises only
after he was convinced that they would help in the
treatment of his erection problems. The first time he
and his wife snuggled, he became disappointed and
then furious because he didn't get an erection. He
strongly believed that the purpose of any kind of
physical contact was to arouse him so that he could
have intercourse. He was then told that the snuggling
 148 MALE SEXUALITY
was to continue and that he should do everything pos-
sible to prevent himself from getting an erection.
There was to be no genital contact whatever. Jack was
at a loss to understand what was going on but agreed
to find out what this touching stuff was about. It
wasn't easy for him, for he believed in all the male
myths more strongly than most men, but he gradually
got more comfortable with touching. Within a few
weeks, he even admitted that he was enjoying the new
physical closeness with his wife. She was overjoyed; for
the eighteen years of their married life she had been
unable to get any physical contact from him except
when he wanted sex, and this was the main cause of her
coldness and sarcasm. As she became less critical, he
became more aroused, and in less than two months
they were having very enjoyable sex. But the real sur-
prise was what Jack said in a phone conversation six
months after the end of therapy.
"I owe you a lot. Sex is fine, and that's great. But
there's more. This closeness and cuddling stuff is really
something. I never would have believed that I, of all
people, would like it. Never even occurred to me to try
it. Our lives are better because of it. I've gotten ad-

dicted to having my feet rubbed and licked and it's

great. And this you'll never believe: it's helped us with
our kids. They were really shocked when I started
touching them, but they've gotten used to it and we all
touch more now. When my boy came home from col-
lege, I hugged him at the door. He must have thought
I was nuts but he's gotten used to the idea and now we
always hug when we see each other. Makes us feel
closer."

If your experiences with touching are different from

Jack's, if they're not enjoyable for you, try to deter-
mine what is standing in your way. Your image of
how you should be as a man? The idea that touching
is only for women and children? The myth that touch-
ing is only acceptable as the prelude to intercourse?
The notion that touching should be a mind-blowing ex-
perience? Once you've found the obstacle, determine
if there is something you can do to move it out of

the way a little bit, and do it.

We are not prescribing touching as a panacea for
all your ills or as a compulsory ritual that should be
 TOUCHING 149

followed whether you like it or not. Rather, we view

touching as a very important human need, probably
much more basic than the need for sex, a need you
should be free to fulfill in ways and with people of
your own choosing. It won't change the world and it
won't solve all your problems, but it may help you
feel better and bring you a bit closer to the important
people in your world. Men need touching as much as
anyone else, and there is no good reason to deprive
yourself in this area.

Touch [say Masters and Johnson] is an end in itself.

It isa primary form of communication, a silent voice
that avoids the pitfall of words while expressing the
feelings of the moment. It bridges the physical sep-
arateness from which no human being is spared, lit-
erally establishing a sense of solidarity between two
individuals.

Get in touch with those you care for. Stay in touch.

Literally.
 The Importance
of Relaxation

Although modern living has benefited us in many ways,

it has also had many negative effects. The pace of liv-

ing has accelerated at an alarming rate. Life has be-

come more hectic, and the pressures of daily living
seem considerably greater than in the past. We are
tense and distraught much of the time, struggling to
keep up with the treadmill of our lives and resorting
to a vast array of chemical uppers and downers, in-
cluding tobacco and alcohol, to help us cope with our
tensions. But the tensions and anxieties remain, af-
fecting almost all areas of our lives.
Nervous tension is not compatible with good sex.
It can prevent you from becoming aroused, from ex-
periencing the pleasurable sensations that would be
available were you not so tense, and it tends to have a
soporific effect on your penis.
Many men have sex when they are tense because of
time pressure, some unfinished business with their
partner, something that happened at work or with the
kids, or for some other reason. Sex under such condi-
tions frequently is not very satisfying and sometimes it
doesn't work at all.
Wecannot sufficiently emphasize the importance of
150
 THE IMPORTANCE OF RELAXATION 151

being relaxed in sex. Attempting to engage in sex when

you are irritated or anxious is one of the best ways we
know to have a miserable experience. Good sex is
extremely difficult to come by under these circum-
stances; your arousal, erection, and ejaculation sys-
tems simply do not function well when you are feeling
tense.
Let's talk a bit about what we mean by tension and
relaxation. People differ greatly in this regard. Some
are generally easygoing and relaxed, while others are
tense and keyed-up most of the time. But even the
most relaxed person is more relaxed at some times than
at others, and even the most high-strung person is
sometimes less tense. As far as sex goes, the important
things, regardless of whether you are generally tense
or relaxed, are that you be able to recognize when you
are more tense than usual for you and that you be
able to do something to relax yourself.
Relaxation and tension, as we use the terms, are
relative states. You are to consider your own behavior
as the standard, being aware that what is tense or re-
laxed for you may have little to do with what others
are like when they employ these terms.
There are two general types of indicators of ten-
sion that will help you determine how tense you are
in a given situation. The first type consists of physical
indicators. People differ as to where in their bodies
they experience tension, but some common signs are
tensing of the neck and shoulder muscles, a knotty
feeling in the stomach, sweaty palms, and clenching
of teeth. Whether or not these examples fit for you,
tension always has some physical manifestations and
you need to determine what yours are.
Your thoughts are the second kind of indicator of
tension. The following thoughts all indicate some de-
gree of concern or anxiety: "Will it stay hard?" "Am I
going to be able to last?" "Will she like me?" "Am I
going to be able to carry this off?"
Have you ever experienced some of the physical
symptoms described above in a sexual situation? Or
asked yourself questions similar to the ones we cited?
If so, you were probably experiencing tension or anx-
152 MALE SEXUALITY
iety. There is nothing to be concerned about if the
—
experiences were fleeting if, for example, the ques-
tion of whether you would last merely floated through
your mind. But if it stayed on and nagged at you, the
chances are good that you would enjoy sex more if you
learned more about relaxing.
It may help you to consider the feelings you expe-
rienced in some nonsexual situations to get a better
idea of how tension manifests itself in you. How do
you feel when you sit in the dentist's chair waiting for
him to start drilling? Does your body tense up in some
way? Do you hold your breath? Grasp the arms of the
chair? Do you wonder if it's going to hurt despite the.
Novocain? Or consider what you feel when your boss
calls you into his office to discuss a mistake you made.
And what happens to you when you have to finish a
project by a certain time and are aware that you have
more work than time left? Consider these questions
carefully; they will give you a good understanding of
what tension means to you.
Now, to look at the other side "of things, give some
thought to situations in which you felt free of cares
and worries. Perhaps when you wake up late on a
Sunday morning knowing there isn't anything for you
to do that day. Or when you're lying on the beach
during a vacation. Or perhaps after a good sexual
experience. How do your body and your mind feel on
such occasions?
Although the particular examples we gave may not
fitfor you, we're sure you can think of similar situa-
tions that will help you define what maximum tension
and relaxation mean to you.
The following exercise is a useful tool for becoming
more aware of your tension/relaxation state.

EXERCISE 9-1: DETERMINING

HOW RELAXED YOU ARE
Time Required: 5 to 10 minutes

The first few times you do the exercise, make sure you have
privacy and will not be interrupted. Once you are accustomed
to it, you can do it any time, any place, even if others are
 THE IMPORTANCE OF RELAXATION 153

present. The exercise should be done at least ten times, but

twenty or thirty times are not too often.
Without changing your posture, breathing, or muscle tension,
focus your attention on the part of your body that is most
tense. Resist the temptation to relax that part; just experience
it the way it is for a few seconds. Now check to see if any other

part of your body is as tense or nearly as tense as the part

you first focused on. Pay attention to this part, just experiencing
it, for a few seconds, again without changing it. Next, spend a

—
few minutes on the rest of your body feet, calves, thighs,
buttocks, back, stomach, chest, hands, arms, shoulders, neck,
face, scalp, and insides —asking of each part if it is tense or
relaxed. If it feels relaxed, could it feel more relaxed? If tense,
more tense? Don't try to make it more relaxed or tense, just
determine if it's possible that it could change.
Finally, get in touch with your breathing without changing
it. Become aware of how you are breathing. Deeply or shallow-
ly? Slowly or quickly? Is your chest moving? Your stomach?
Are you unable to detect movement in either?

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. You find yourself wanting to do something about what
you discover. This tendency comes from being judgmental
about what you find, e.g., "I shouldn't be so tense," "My breath-
ing should be slower." These judgments may have little to do
with reality and, even when they are correct, trying to do
something about them gets in the way of the goal of the
exercise, being aware of tension and relaxation. You will have
plenty of opportunities to make changes in your level of relaxa-
tion later. For now, just try to accept what you find. If the
temptation to change something is there, just let it be there
and continue with the exercise*
2. You find your mind wandering away from the parts of
your body you want to focus on. Everyone's mind wanders dur-
ing such exercises and it is not a problem. When you are
aware that your attention has drifted off, just gently bring it
back and continue where you left off. You will have to do this a
number of times during the course of the exercise, and that is
fine. Of course, should your wandering be due to factors over
which you have some control, e.g., the radio playing or the dog
barking, you should take care of these distractions before
continuing.

Doing this exercise may be the first time you have

paid attention to your body without asking it to do
something. You will be asked to do more of this type
 154 MALE SEXUALITY
of attending, which we call focusing, in other exercises
in the book. It —
may sometimes be difficult for men
have learned too well how to do and too little about
—
how to be but it will get easier with practice. Just take
it slow and bring your mind back when it wanders.

Now that you have learned to check on your level

of tension, let's explore some ways of lessening ten-
sion. There are many approaches to relaxation and, as
our society grows ever more stressful, increasing num-
bers of people are turning to them. Among the more
popular are meditation, yoga exercises, self-hypnosis,
and tai-chi. All of these can be effective if practiced
properly and consistently; if you are already involved
in one or more of them and found them helpful, we
encourage you to continue.
Here are some other effective ways of helping you
become more relaxed.
A lot of the anxiety that men experience in sex has
to do with trying to please or impress their partners.
You want to do it well for her and get concerned about
what may happen if you don't. As paradoxical as it
sounds, probably the best way of dealing with such
tension is to tell your partner about it. Just express
what you are feeling: e.g., "Honey, I know you were
disappointed last time and I want it to be good for
you tonight. But I'm trying so hard, and I'm so con-
cerned that you'll get mad if I don't stay hard, that I'm
worrying like crazy and can't even concentrate on
what's happening." Sometimes the acknowledgment
will in itself reduce your anxiety. Or perhaps your
statement will lead to a conversation regarding her
feelings and expectations, as well as yours, and this
may contribute to better feelings on both sides. You
might find that she wasn't expecting the kind of perfor-
mance you imagined.
Most men find it at least a bit difficult to express
their feelings in this way. We learned that we weren't
supposed to feel fear or concern, let alone express
them. And it's true that there is some risk involved;
though not likely, it is possible that your partner
won't like what you say or will have the expectations
you fear or will feel very disappointed. You have to
 THE IMPORTANCE OF RELAXATION 155

decide if the potential benefits outweigh the risks. One

way or another, you need to reduce your tension if
you are to have good sex. Telling your partner about
your concern isn't the only way, but it's one of the
best. It may be of interest to you to know that of the
thousands of instances we know of where men talked
to their partners about their tense feelings in sex, there
were only a few where the situation was not improved
as a result of the talking.
Another type of talking, the kind involved in clear-
ing up unfinished business, is also very helpful in mak-
ing sex more satisfying. Every relationship is bound to
include disappointments, frustrations, and hostilities.
The feelings are inevitable but they get handled in
different ways. At one extreme, some couples almost
immediately deal with any negative feelings that come
up. They may talk or scream or do something else,
but the bad feelings are dealt with and no backlog
results. Each day begins with a more or less clean slate.
Other couples do just the opposite. They almost never
deal with their negative emotions and, as a result, carry
around resentment and hostility from years ago. Each
new experience of frustration or anger just gets piled
on top of the already existing heap which more and
more begins to resemble Mount Everest. The feelings
may be expressed in sarcasm or seemingly reasonable
complaints, or they may not, but the aura of tension
and hostility is often so thick that strangers imme-
diately sense that something is wrong.
Sex usually does not go well in such situations,
assuming that there is any sex. The tension and an-
ger may interfere with one or both partners' arousal
systems, causing a lack of sexual interest, or with the
systems governing erection or orgasm. Simple relaxa-
tion exercises are usually not very effective in such
cases. Much more beneficial are talks about the
sources of one's discontent and negotiations for reach-
ing a resolution of some of the problems.

Rob, age forty-two, came to therapy for help with

his sexual relationship with his wife. For the past two
years, whenever they had sex he would either not get
156 MALE SEXUALITY
an erection, get one but lose it quickly, or come very

fast. He felt very tense in sex and he also reported

feeling tense whenever he was around his wife, al-
though he said he cared for her deeply and wanted
to make the marriage work. His wife, Margaret, was
asked to come in for a few sessions, and the following
story emerged.
Rob had been somewhat dissatisfied with their sexu-
al relationship since the beginning of their marriage.
Margaret had been inexperienced sexually and reacted
negatively to his desires for oral and anal sex. Rob,
instead of trying to work it out with her, had an af-
fair with a woman he worked with, feeling that Marga-
ret's primness had driven him to it. Margaret was
deeply hurt by the affair and was angry at Rob not
only for having sex with another woman but also for
not being more patient with her. None of these feel-
ings had been discussed or worked out prior to their
coming to therapy, and they had been the basis for
ever-increasing tension between Rob and Margaret.
Rob felt guilty about the affair and feared Margaret's
anger. So he acted very carefully around her, trying
not to show too much that he cared for her; he didn't
want to give her a chance to reject him. Margaret took
his withdrawal as a rejection of her; she wanted, but
wasn't getting, his assurance that he loved her rather
than the woman with whom he had the affair. All of
these feelings, not expressed directly, formed a wall of
tension between them all of the time, but especially in
sex. The wall began to crumble when they told each
other what they had been feeling and what they
wanted. Margaret was surprised to hear that Rob cared
as much as he did, that the other woman meant very
little to him, and that he certainly would not want
another affair. Rob was surprised that Margaret still
wanted his love and, lo and behold, was quite willing to
experiment with new sexual practices if he could re-
spect her inexperience and get into new things slowly.
These talks continued for six therapy sessions; the ten-
sion between them was reduced to a manageable lev-
el and sex became good.

This was a case where less direct methods did not

work. Before coming to see us, Rob had been to sev-
eral therapists, one ofwhom taught him self-hypnosis
and another of whom had given him autogenic train-
 THE IMPORTANCE OF RELAXATION 157

ing (a form of relaxation training). Such methods were

insufficient to deal with the strong and pervasive ten-
sion in the relationship. It had to be dealt with directly,
by airing grievances and desires and making satisfactory
arrangements for future behavior.
If there's a lot of unfinished business between you
and your partner, consider how it affects your sexual
activities and what you want to do about it. You
might benefit from doing what Rob and Margaret did,
with or without professional help.
Two more tension-producing situations deserve com-
ment. We have found that many men find it difficult
to separate work and leisure. They bring the wor-
ries, pressures, and frustrations of their jobs home with
them and, in this state of tenseness, interpret any-
thing their families do as more demands and pressure.
Needless to say, they are hard to be with, sexually or
otherwise.
Avery effective way of dealing with this situation is
to do something that both literally and symbolically
marks the leaving of work and the entering into a more
relaxed state. The types of transition activities that
men have chosen vary considerably; vigorous physical
activity; gardening; a massage; meditation; a relaxing
glass of wine either alone or with a partner; a hot
bath; a short nap; listening to some favorite music or
doing some fun reading. Here is how one man told his
wife about wanting to make the transition from work
to home:

Honey, I know
I'm pretty grouchy in the evenings and
revved up at work and I'm
difficult to live with. I get all
just beat by the time I get home. As soon as I get in
the door we get into a conversation and I feel over-
whelmed. It just feels like more pressure. I think it
would really help if I had some time alone after I got
here, just to relax and unwind, without having to talk
to you or anyone else. What I'd like to do is still
come home at five, but I'd like you to pretend that I'm
not here until quarter after six. If the phone rings, ei-
ther don't answer it or say I'm not home if it's for me.
I'm not sure what I'll do in that time, maybe go jog-
ging or take a nap or just sit in our room. I'm pretty
158 MALE SEXUALITY
sure that if I can get that time to myself, I'll be much
better company the rest of the evening.

In looking for transition activities, consider those

things that are both pleasurable and relaxing for you.
Perhaps one of the activities you chose in Exercise 6-3
will make for a good transition.
You may run into some resistance from your
at first
lover or children; they may believe that you're just
taking more time away from them or that your new
activities will upset the household routine. And they
may be right. It will help if you carefully explain the
reasons for what you're doing. If you choose your
transition activities with care and stick with them, it
probably won't be long before both you and those you
live with agree that you're doing the right thing.
You should also be aware of periods of unusually
high stress. All of us experience such times: the busy
season at work, the days before final exams, working
on a project with a deadline, and so on. Many men
simply shrug their shoulders during such periods and
stoically try to accept their burden, usually not realiz-
ing that they are causing others around them much
unhappiness. Accepting such high levels of tension
without doing anything to relieve them takes its toll,
and many men are quite difficult to live with during
such periods.
Although you may not be able to do much to change
the pressure-producing situation, you probably can
deal with it in a way that creates less tension in you.
Taking a few minutes every hour or two to do some-
thing relaxing can be helpful; you will probably find
that although you have "lost" a few minutes of work
time, the increased productivity brought about by your
more relaxed state will more than make up for it.
Some men find a few minutes of physical exercise ev-
ery hour or two helpful, others enjoy a quiet moment
alone taking a walk or fantasizing, and some achieve
good results from lying down and doing some deep
breathing for a few moments. Transition activities are
particularly useful during periods of high stress. The
most important point is that you recognize that you
 THE IMPORTANCE OF RELAXATION 159

are under a lot of pressure and make some plans to

help you relax.
As surprising as it may sound after all we have said,
physical contact with your partner, with or without
sex, can be very soothing during times of high stress,
providing that the cause of the stress is not the rela-
tionship and that you follow a few simple suggestions.
Be aware that since you are under a great deal of ten-
sion, sex may not be "as usual." You may respond
differently from when you are more relaxed. As long
as you put no pressure on yourself to have an erection
or to go on to sex or to have intercourse, there's no
reason to avoid touching or sex, should you desire
either. Being cuddled or made love to can be wonder-
ful ways of making you feel cared for and relieving
your tensions. But this is only true when the touching
and sex do not add extra pressure. If they do, they
are best avoided.
Following the suggestions in this chapter should help
you be more relaxed in sex. However, there may still
be times when you are tense. Men tend to try to ignore
the tension and push on. We hope you now realize
that such a procedure will rarely result in good sex.
The best thing to do when you feel tense is to stop
what you're doing and see if there are some ways of
getting more comfortable. As we said earlier, telling
your partner about your feelings is usually quite help-
ful. You should also check to see if sex is really what
you want to be doing. If you get more comfortable,
feel free to resume your sexual activities. If the ten-
sion remains, it's probably best not to continue with
sex but to do something else that feels more comfort-
able. There will be plenty of opportunities for sex in
the future.
 10
Masturbation:
From Self -Abuse to
Pleasure and Self -Help

You may be wondering why a book like this includes a

chapter on masturbation. After all, you're an adult
and, whether you masturbate or not, probably don't
think that any comment or instruction regarding this
practice is necessary. Or perhaps you've never mas-
turbated and don't have any interest in the subject.
There are two important reasons for dealing with
masturbation. First, it is one of the best ways of en-
hancing your sexuality and overcoming any sexual dif-
ficulties you may be experiencing. This is especially
true for men without partners. Second, masturbation
as practiced by many men is not as pleasurable as it
might be and, moreover, is accompanied by feelings of
guilt or shame. Overcoming some of these negative
feelings enables you better to enjoy your autoerotic
practices.
Following Kinsey, we define masturbation as "self-
stimulation which is deliberate and designed to effect
erotic arousal." Note that neither erection nor orgasm
is mentioned. Also note that, by definition, masturba-
tion refers only to self-stimulation. Your partner may
160
 MASTURBATION 161

play with your penis exactly the way you do yourself

but by virtue of the fact that she and not you is
doing it, it is not masturbation.

Although the overwhelming majority of men have

masturbated at some time in their lives, it is something
few feel good about. Even with the recent openness
about sexuality and the greater tolerance for sexual
expression, masturbation is the most difficult subject
for people to discuss. In his study Sexual Behavior in
the 1970s, Morton Hunt sums it up this way:

Most persons who masturbate remain more or less

guilt-ridden about it, and nearly all of them are ex-
tremely secretive about their masturbating and would
be horribly embarrassed to have anyone know the
truth.

For most men it is easier to admit to lying, cheating,

or even to having sex problems than to acknowledge

that they sometimes play with their penises.
The younger generation is only slightly better off. A
recent nationwide study of teenagers by Robert Soren-
son reported that of the boys who masturbated only
17 percent said they "never" felt guilty, anxious, of
concerned about it, while 45 percent "often" or
"sometimes" did have such feelings about it. Sorenson
concluded:

There seems to be no sex practice discussed in this

study about which young people feel more defensive
or private than masturbation. . Self-esteem, em-
. .

barrassment, and personal disgust seem to be the

major inhibiting factors.

The amazing thing about these results is that all the

youngsters studied were brought up during the "sex-
ual revolution"; all were born several years after
Kinsey had clearly demonstrated the widespread preva-
lence of masturbation among men and convincingly
argued that it produced no ill effects whatever.
There are many good reasons for our concern and
anxiety about masturbation. The practice has been
162 MALE SEXUALITY
condemned, usually severely, throughout Western his-
tory, and not until Kinsey did anyone of importance
have anything good to say about it. Jewish religious
leaders considered it a grave sin since it was a de-
liberate waste of sperm that should have been used to
add to the population. Christian authorities were no
more lenient, calling masturbation immoral and unna-
tural.
In the middle of the eighteenth century, scientists
and physicians joined in the attack against what was
variously called "the solitary vice," "self-abuse," and
"self-pollution." Masturbation came to be viewed, with
absolutely no evidence whatever, as the cause of ev-
erything evil. As Kinsey and his colleagues put it:

Every conceivable ill from pimples to insanity, in-

cluding stooped shoulders, loss of weight, fatigue, in-
somnia, general weakness . loss of manly vigor,
. .

weak eyes; digestive upsets, stomach ulcers, impo-

tence, feeble-mindedness, genital cancer, and the rest,
was ascribed to masturbation. Patients [in mental
. . .

institutions] were observed to engage in frequent mas-

turbation, and this seemed sufficient proof that the in-
sanity was a product of the sexual behavior. Since the
lives of university scholars were not so easily observed,
it was not so generally known that masturbation oc-

curred quite as frequently among them.

If you think that all this happened hundreds of

years ago and has nothing to do with you, you may be
interested in what follows, taken from a popular book
called What a Boy Should Know, written by two
physicians in 1909 and widely read for many years
after.

Whenever unnatural emissions are produced . the . .

body becomes "slack" A boy will not feel so vigor-

ous and springy; he will be more easily tired; he will
not have so good "an eye" for games. He will proba-
bly look pale and pasty, and he is lucky if he es-
capes indigestion and getting his bowels confined,
both of which will probably give him spots and pim-
ples on his face. .
. .

The effect of self-abuse on a boy's character al-

 MASTURBATION 163

ways tends to weaken it, and, in fact, to make him

untrustworthy, unreliable, and probably even dishon-
est.

If you're not as "springy" as you once were, or if

you're looking "pale and pasty," now you know why.

The Boy Scout Manual, probably read by millions of
children and parents, until 1945 warned about the
evils of masturbation, and as late as 1940 a candidate
could be rejected at the United States Naval Academy
if it were discovered that he masturbated.

Even if you were born after 1945, what do you

think your parents had learned about masturbation? Is
it any wonder that you got all sorts of messages that

there was something terribly wrong about it?

When scientific authority first joined religious author-
ity in attacking masturbation, punishment for offend-
ers was relatively mild. The main objective was simply
to stop the evil habit, often with the aid of patent medi-
cines. But since education regarding the grave conse-
quences of self-stimulation and patent medicines
proved ineffective, punishment became harsher and
harsher until, by the mid-nineteenth century, a perse-
cution of sadistic proportions had been inaugurated.
Some of the more extreme remedies involved tying
boys' hands to their bedposts or chaining them to walls
when they slept; putting a wire ring through the fore-
skin of the penis or wearing a spiked ring on the penis,
both procedures making erection and stimulation ex-
tremely painful; the wearing of straitjacketlike re-
straints to keep the hands away from forbidden terri-
tory; and, in a few cases, even castration and surgical
removal of the penis. These bizarre and barbaric prac-
tices quickly peaked and declined, but vestiges re-
mained until the Second World War.
The belief that masturbation caused gross mental
and physical abnormalities such as epilepsy and in-
sanity declined toward the end of the last century.
But it was quickly replaced by a new set of beliefs that
did little to ease the anxiety that most people had
about masturbation. The conviction grew that mastur-
bation was a common cause of neurotic disorders and
164 MALE SEXUALITY
marital sexual problems, a view shared by Freud.
Thanks toFreud and others, however, a more liberal
attitude toward self-stimulation in children arose; it
was accepted as a normal, if somewhat repellent, child-
ish habit. Provided, of course, that it was not done "to
excess." Since "excess" was never defined —was it once
—
a day? a week? a year? or what? no one could ever
be sure he wasn't doing it too much.
And, the new views maintained, what was legiti-
mate and normal for children was "infantile" and
"immature" when done by adults. There must be some-
thing seriously wrong with someone past adolescence
who resorted to self-stimulation rather than engaging
in "normal, healthy heterosexual relations." Some de-
fect of character was obviously indicated since mastur-
bation was clearly a poor substitute for "the real
thing." These views were hardly designed to set any-
one's mind at ease. An adult who masturbated was
compelled to think of himself as somehow neurotic
or socially inept, unable to find a partner with whom
he could have sex the way it was supposed to be done.
The something-must-be-wrong-with-you-if-you-mas-
turbate school suffered its greatest setback by the work
of Kinsey and his coworkers who, in their massive
study of male sexuality, reported not only that 92 per-
cent of men had masturbated at some time in their
lives, many of them while they were married, but that
no detrimental effects whatsoever were to be found,
regardless of masturbatory frequency. Kinsey went
even further, claiming that the problem with mastur-
bation lay not in the act itself but in the anxiety and
guilt fostered by the traditional teachings.

The record does include thousands of cases of boys

living in continual conflict; oftentimes disturbed over
the effect of such behavior [masturbation] on their
ultimate sexual capacities, occasionally attempting
suicide — as a result of the teachings concerning mas-
turbation. For the boys who have not been too dis-
turbed psychically, masturbation has, however,
provided a regular sexual outlet which has allevi-
ated nervous tensions; and the record is clear in many
cases that these boys have on the whole lived more
 MASTURBATION 165

balanced lives than the boys who have been more

restrained in their sexual activities.

Kinsey's data and arguments definitely helped un-

dermine the traditional views of masturbation and
helped usher in a more tolerant attitude. Many men
took some personal comfort from his statistics and some
therapists and physicians reconsidered their views.
Masturbation started gaining a small measure of re-
spectability. In 1968, Wardell Pomeroy, a former Kin-
sey associate and well-known sex expert, published
Boys and Sex, in which he encouraged his readers
to masturbate as much as they wanted. The book was
highly regarded by professionals and undoubtedly
had some influence. And in the 1970s best-sellers like
The Sensuous Woman and The Sensuous Man sang
the praises of self-stimulation.
While masturbation clearly has come out of the
closet, would be a mistake to assume that it is there-
it

fore widely accepted. The newer views still represent

a minority opinion. Kinsey's work is less than thirty
years old, while the myths and misinformation at-
tached to masturbation have been around for almost
two thousand years. Things may be better, but how
much?
Not a great deal. Masters and Johnson report that
the men they studied held fairly traditional views re-
garding masturbation, ail of them believing that "ex-
cessive" self-stimulation might lead to physical or
mental abnormality, although none of them could ex-
plain how frequently "excessive" was. We have al-
ready noted the findings of a study of teenagers that
demonstrated the defensiveness and concern they felt
about masturbating. One particularly interesting aspect
of that study is that none of the subjects believed the
old stories about the emotional and physical damage
that was allegedly caused by masturbation, yet they
were still concerned about the practice. They felt bad-
ly about it even though they knew that it could lead
to no harm. How could this be so?
It is well to remember that many authorities have
not accepted the newer views of masturbation. Many,
166 MALE SEXUALITY
if not most, physicians, therapists, religious leaders,
educators, and parents still believe, and convey to the
people they deal with, that there is something wrong
with playing with yourself, although they are no longer
able to say just what is wrong with it. Then, too, there
are still many who believe that masturbation is sinful.
A recently issued proclamation on sexual matters by
the Vatican repeats the old, familiar line: masturba-
tion is "an intrinsically and seriously disordered act."
What is certainly a source of great confusion to
many people is that many authorities speak and write
with a forked tongue, taking on the one hand a very
liberal attitude regarding masturbation (it's normal and
healthy) while at the same time conveying the impres-
sion that at best it's a necessary evil and there is really
something strange about anyone who is doing it.
David Reuben provides a fine example of this pro-
cedure. Here are some quotations from his Everything
You Always Wanted to Know about Sex, a book that
sold millions of copies:

The only thing harmful about masturbation is the

guilt that isdrummed into children who admit mas-
turbating. [This is the tolerant stance: masturbation is
fine. Now watch how he undermines it.]

. . . fun. Certainly not as much fun

masturbation is
as full-fledged sexual intercourse, but the next thing
to it. That is exactly what masturbation is, a substi-
tute form of gratification when sexual intercourse is
impossible.
[In answer to a question regarding when masturba-
tion is desirable, he mentions it is fine for those too
young for partner sex and that it may be helpful for
nonorgasmic women. He is then asked if there are
other situations where self-stimulation is desirable.]
In those who cannot obtain sexual satisfaction in any
other way. Men and women in prison, very old peo-
ple, and often the blind are restricted in their sexual
outlets.

What the good doctor along — with so many others

who talk and write about sex is — saying is that mastur-
bation is fine ... for children, the aged, the infirm,
 MASTURBATION 167

and the incarcerated. Anyone else doing it just doesn't

have what it takes to have the real thing "hetero- —
sexual intercourse" —
and is therefore forced to settle
for this poor substitute. This is simply a continuation of
the view espoused since the beginning of this century
that self-stimulation in adults is immature and indi-
cates some deficiency.
Men's attitudes about their own masturbatory activ-
itiesstrongly reflect the unhappy legacy we have been
discussing. It is usually experienced as a necessary evil,
useful for relieving sexual tension. Very few feel good
about masturbating and even fewer talk about it. Even
men who brag about all their other sexual activities
never seem to say anything, boastful or otherwise, about
their autoerotic practices.

When I startedmasturbating at the age of thirteen,

there was a kind of openness about it with my boy-

friends. We sometimes masturbated together in what I

later learned were called "circle jerks," with the one
who came first or shot the farthest being acclaimed
hero of the day. And we often joked about it. But as
we turned our attention to girls, the jokes and circle
jerks ceased. I continued masturbating fairly regularly
even when involved in a sexual relationship but never
talked about it to anyone. I was always concerned
that one of my partners would find out about it and
sometimes had to invent strange excuses for what I was
doing in there, the bathroom. One time, a woman I
was living with walked in on me unexpectedly and
there I was with my hand on my erect penis. I turned
twelve different shades of purple and hastily concocted
the weirdest story about having a sore spot on my
penis which I was trying to examine. I don't know
why I was so ashamed of playing with myself but I
clearly felt that it was wrong and disgraceful. I was
shocked when she said that it was OK
with her if I
was masturbating and she would like to watch. I im-
mediately lost my erection and sexual desire. But we
talked about it and that broke the ice for me. I lost
most of my negative feelings about masturbation and
have since been open about it with my partners. I'm
certainly happy that she walked in on me.
168 MALE SEXUALITY
Shame is the feeling that most often accompanies
masturbation in adult men, shame that they should
have to resort to this "childish" substitute. If they really
had it together, they think, they would be doing some-
thing sexual with a partner. The very fact of playing
with oneself conveys a sense that, at least on this one
occasion, they weren't good enough or clever enough
or masculine enough to get a partner with whom they
could have "real sex."
Because of these feelings, and also because men
have had little permission and practice in being sen-
sual, many men do not derive as much pleasure as
they could from masturbating. It is usually done very
quickly, the whole object being to achieve orgasm and
get it over with. Masturbating this way presents some
problems. It develops a habit of coming quickly, which
may carry over to sex with a partner. And it also rein-
forces our tendency to ignore bodily sensations more
subtle than orgasm and reinforces our inability to linger
over and prolong pleasure.
If men have such negative feelings about self-stimu-
lation, and if it's not as enjoyable for them as it might
be, why then do they continue to do it? Basically be-
cause it feels good. Even when done hurriedly and
without much concentration on the sensations prior to
orgasm, it still feels good.
There are also other reasons. Masturbation can be a
source of comfort. Hunt reported that a number of his
respondents said the urge to masturbate was often
aroused by feelings of loneliness. The fantasies that
so often accompany masturbation in men are another
important motivating factor. The fantasies are not only
fun but, as Hunt points out, they "can partially satisfy
the psychological need for variety; it enables people
to do, in fantasy, sexual things they do not ordinarily
have the chance to do, or with partners they have no
access to."
But you don't really need a reason for masturbating
other than the fact that you want to do it. Sometimes
you may be feeling sexy and also want to be alone
(yes, want to be alone, not have to be alone). You
 MASTURBATION 169

may not want to deal with another person at the time,

and there's no reason why you should have to. After
all, dealing with a partner requires energy and consid-

eration, and it is ludicrous to assume that you are

going to want to expend such energy and give such con-
sideration every time you feel sexy. Sometimes you just
don't want to be concerned with someone else's needs
and desires. And must you be? You can decide to have
a fine time with yourself — not as a substitute or re-
placement for something better, but just because that's
what you want. Sometimes masturbation simply fits
your needs and desires better than anything else.
Now that we've said you need no reasons for mas-
turbating, we'd like to turn around and give you some
reasons. Masturbation, done systematically and in ac-
cordance with a few simple rules, has definite thera-
peutic benefits. You can use it to learn more about
your body and its requirements, and to acquire skills
useful in sex with a partner. We have found masturba-
tion exercises very helpful in developing ejaculatory
control and in dealing with erection problems. And
you can learn a lot about yourself with these exercises
even if you do not have a specific problem and are
primarily interested in enhancing your sex life.
You may be wondering why masturbation exercises
are so helpful or why they should be done in prefer-
ence to partner exercises. While we have nothing
against partner exercises and include many later in
the book, masturbation exercises have a particular ad-
vantage. Namely, that it is easier to experiment
with new things when you don't have to concern your-
self with how someone else is feeling about what
you're doing. In the long run, of course, you are prob-
ably going to want to use your new skills and under-
standing with a partner, but it is much easier to
develop the skills without her distracting influence. Fo-
cusing, for example, is difficult for many men to learn
with their partners present. Once they get the hang of
it on their own, it is then much easier to transfer the

skills to situations that involve their partners.

Of course, we can't guarantee that you'll feel good
about masturbating. The negative ideas about mas-
170 MALE SEXUALITY
turbation that we
discussed earlier are still very
influential for many
of us, since they were pounded
into us, sometimes literally, as children and adults.
You may find yourself feeling somewhat uneasy as
you do, or even consider doing, masturbation exercises.
You may feel guilty about doing something which you
were told was ashamed that you are playing
sinful;
with yourself rather than getting it on with a partner
as a "real man" should; or worried about what your
partner or potential partners would think if they knew
what you were doing. Or there may just be a vague
kind of discomfort which has no particular content
other than that you are doing something which isn't
nice.
Unless your negative feelings about self-stimulation
are tremendously strong, we suggest you try it. While
it is asking a bit too much to expect your negative

feelings about masturbation to disappear altogether,

many men have found that doing it regularly under
therapeutic advice in itself eased their discomfort. An-
other way of feeling better about self-stimulation is to
talk about it to a partner or friend. We realize that
not everyone will want to do this, but those who have
done itinvariably reported that it made them feel
much more comfortable.
Before getting on to the concept of focusing and our
basic masturbation exercise, we need to talk about how
you masturbate. Most men masturbate by stroking up
and down the shaft and head of the penis with one
hand, although there is much variation with regard to
how much of the shaft and head is included in the
stroking, how firmly the penis is held, and the rapidity
of the movements. Wecall this method of stroking the
penis with one hand the usual way of masturbating.
Some men masturbate in other ways; for example,
by squeezing the penis rather than stroking it, by rub-
bing it between both hands, or while lying face down
and rubbing the penis against the bed or floor. These
ways, if practiced exclusively, can lead to problems.

Larry, a man in his late twenties who had problems

maintaining erections and ejaculating with a partner,
 MASTURBATION 171

had always masturbated by rubbing his whole body

vigorously against his bed. He had never stroked his
penis. The types of stimulation he got with partners
were so different from what he did by himself that he
did not experience them as arousing and often lost
his erection or failed to ejaculate.

We certainly don't want to create any problems

where none existed previously, so if you masturbate in
some of the atypical ways but don't think they are
causing you any difficulties, all well and good; stick
with what you do. But if you are experiencing some
problems with partners, we encourage you to expand
your options by masturbating in what we are calling
the usual way. How much pressure to use can only
be determined by experience. The only thing to be
concerned about is if you are squeezing your penis
to a pulp; that's probably too much pressure. By ask-
ing you to try the stroking method we are not saying
you should give up your old ways entirely. We are
suggesting you expand possibilities, not limit them. Use
the new method in doing the exercise and use your
way at other times.

Focusing
In the exercise that follows and in others through-
out the book, you are going to be asked to focus on
your bodily sensations. Since most men have been
trained not to pay attention to such things, it may not
be easy at first. But it is well worth doing. Focusing
has the effect of amplifying sensations, making their
impact more powerful. It is also useful in determining
the kinds of stimulation you best like. Focusing will
assist you in discovering preferences that may not be
obvious to you now.
Focusing basically means paying attention. It is a
relatively passive attending to what is happening in a
particular part of your body. You have already done
some focusing in Exercise 9-1 when you attended to
the tensest parts and your breathing. That is all that
172 MALE SEXUALITY
focusing is. It is more passive and gentle than the mode

we men are more accustomed to, wherein we grit our

teeth and forcefully concentrate on something. No forc-
ing, no gritting of teeth, no pushing and shoving.
Men often get frustrated when their minds wander
during focusing. There is no way of preventing your
attention from skipping around. If you've ever medi-
tated, you know this. The mind is like a drunken mon-
key, always jumping from one thing to another. You
can't control this activity and, fortunately, you don't
have to. When you do an exercise that asks you to fo-
cus, start by putting your attention to the part of the
body that is prescribed. When you are aware that your
mind has back
drifted off, simply bring your attention
to the part you want to focus on. Try to avoid getting
into an argument with yourself and fighting the dis-
tracting thoughts.
Focusing is an intuitive process, not an intellectual
one. You need to attend to sensations but there is no
need to label, analyze, or think about them. You may
find yourself engaging in some intellectual activities
—"What should I call this feeling?" "Why do I feel
more here than there?" Simply recognize that these are
distractions and return your attention to the sensa-
tions.
A common problem with focusing concerns the
expectations you have about what you "should" be feel-
ing. Many men expect bells-ringing-and-bombs-burst-
ing sensations and, when these are not forthcoming,
think that there is nothing worth attending to. The
sensations you do feel are unlikely to be earthshak-
ing, sensational, or anything of the sort. They are just,
well, sensations. They may seem trivial. Sometimes
they may even uncomfortable or negative. What-
feel
ever is there is there, and that's what you should focus
on. As your ability to focus improves, you may be sur-
prised how interesting these little sensations become.
The following suggestions apply to Exercise 10-1
and all subsequent masturbation and partner exer-
cises.
1. Make sure you have at least ten minutes more
than the time specified in the exercise. All of it should
 MASTURBATION 173

be private, uninterrupted time. The extra minutes

can be used to relax, to get into a sexual mood, and to
prevent any rushing or pressure. Since the importance
of having plenty of time and not being rushed cannot
be overemphasized, do whatever you need to ensure
that you will not be interrupted or distracted.
2. Set the scene the way you like it. The time you
take to do the exercises is your gift to yourself; make it
as enjoyable as possible. Make the room light or dark,
as you prefer, and make any other arrangements you
want, such as candles or incense. Some men prefer
music, which is fine so long as it is not so powerful that
it interferes with your focusing. Some men have found

that the best gift they can give themselves is to put a

lock on the bedroom door.
3. Make sure your conditions are met. This is much
easier in masturbation than in partner sex since you
don't have to concern yourself about a partner, but
check your emotional and physical states to determine
if things are the way they should be to maximize the

chances of an enjoyable experience.

4. You should be fairly relaxed before starting an
exercise. Use what you learned in the last chapter to
help you get there. Some days it's difficult to get re-
laxed no matter what you do. At such times, it's
probably best not to do sexual exercises. Wait until
you are more comfortable. It will do you no good to
do the assignments when you are tense.
5. It can be helpful to get into a sexual frame of
mind before beginning an exercise. Erection is not im-
portant but feeling sexy is. You might want to recall
a good sexual experience, construct a fantasy, or look
at some arousing pictures or literature. Do whatever
you want to help yourself become aroused.
6. In the masturbation exercises, do not immediate-
ly go for your penis. Spend a few minutes touching and
stroking other parts of your body that are enjoyable
to touch.
174 MALE SEXUALITY
EXERCISE 10-1: MASTURBATION
WITH FOCUSING
Time Required: 15 minutes

The goals of this exercise are to practice focusing on the

sensations in your penis as you play with it and to discover
what types of stroking feel best Neither erection nor orgasm is
necessary.
After you are feeling aroused, start stroking your penis
slowly and gently, putting your attention in your penis so
that you are aware of the sensations produced by the touch-
ing. Unless you have problems lasting as long as you like, use a
lubricant (see the note on lubricants at the end of this chap-
ter). If you do not have good ejaculatory control, do not use
lubrication at this time.
Regardless of how soft or hard your penis is, there are
sensations in it of which you can be aware. Your penis is richly
supplied with nerve endings that produce sensation whenever
they are stimulated. The sensations may differ depending on
how excited you are, how hard or soft your penis is, and what
kinds of touching you are doing. It's up to you to discover what
these sensations are.
Take your time. This is not a test of speed. There is nothing
to accomplish and nothing to finish. Just play and enjoy. Keep
focusing and experiment with different strokes (for example,
stroking the length of the entire shaft and head, just the shaft,
just the head, circular motions), different pressures and dif-
ferent speeds (but not too fast). See what you like and go with
it.

Continue playing with your penis in this manner for 15

minutes. If you find yourself close to orgasm before time is
up, stop masturbating and wait a minute or two until the urge
to ejaculate subsides, then resume stroking. If this does not
help, read Chapter 15 now and then return to this exercise. If
you want to come after 15 minutes, do so, but keep going slow-
ly and keep focusing. Remember, there's no need to climax; do
so only if you want to.
This exercise should be done at least five times. Before
going on to the masturbation exercises in Chapters 15 or 18,
you should feel comfortable focusing on the physical sensa-
tions and able to return your attention to them when you
find your mind has wandered.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. You don't feel any sensations in your penis, or you do
but they don't seem very interesting. If you do not experience
any sensations, it either means that you are not focusing
properly or that there has been severe nerve damage. Since
the latter is so rare and so devastating in its implications, we
 MASTURBATION 175

suggest you reread the section on focusing and try again. If

the sensations seem dull and uninspiring, that's probably be-
cause you were expecting something of a cosmic nature. See
if you can just attend to what is there and worry less about

whether it feels as oceanic as you thought it would.

2. Your mind keeps wandering. Of course it does. That's
what minds do. This is not a problem. Just keep bringing your
attention back to the sensation in your penis.
3. You have difficulty with the exercise because you are
tense or in a hurry. It is very important that you only do the
exercise when you have sufficient uninterrupted time. Don't be
like the man who always started to do it 15 minutes before a
friend came to pick him up to go to work. Of course he
couldn't relax; he kept wondering when his friend was going to
knock on the door. Make sure you are comfortably relaxed
before starting.

Some men discover new and interesting sensations

in their genitals the first few times they do this exercise.
For most, however, it takes longer. Whether it hap-
pens quickly or not, we hope you'll continue with the
exercise. There are sensations in your body when it is
being touched, and they are a large part of the raw
material from which a state of arousal is built. Focus-
ing helps enhance their power and enables you to feel
more pleasure from what is happening to your body.
You may find that this exercise helps you to discover
some new places and new ways of touching that feel
good. There is probably more feeling in your penis
than you knew. We hope you will enjoy pleasuring
yourself in these new ways and that you'll soon share
your discoveries with your partner. We imagine she'd
be happy to learn how to give you the most pleasure.

A Note on Lubrication
Most men find that using a lubricant on their hand
when they masturbate reduces irritating friction and
enhances their pleasure. Since lubrication amplifies
the sensations in the penis, it also makes focusing eas-
ier.
It is difficult to recommend lubricants since prefer-
176 MALE SEXUALITY
ences vary considerably from person to person. Some
men prefer petroleum jelly (Vaseline) since it is not
quickly absorbed by the skin and need not be replen-
ished during one masturbation session. But others find
it "greasy and gunky." It usually needs to be washed

off with soap and water. Hand or body lotion (such as

Intensive Care or Jergens Lotion) is favored by oth-
ers. Since lotion is absorbed rather quickly, however,
you may need to squirt it on several times in a ses-
sion. Massage oil, KY jelly, and Albolene also have
large numbers of supporters.
Perhaps the best thing to do is start with whatever
lubricant is available in your home. If it doesn't please
you, try something else. Lubricants, like so much else
in sex, are largely a matter of individual taste. There
is at least one with the consistency, absorbability, and

odor that will satisfy you.

 11
Virginity and
Sexual Abstinence
Because of the influence of the fantasy model of sex,
discussions of virginity and celibacy are rare. It is
widely assumed that all men have had sex and want
to keep on getting as much as they can. Like almost
everything else in the fantasy model, these assumptions
are erroneous.

Virginity
It seems that there are many more male virgins
than generally believed, and that they cover a fairly
is
broad age range. A survey of college students commis-
sioned by Playboy found that 26 percent of the men
had not had sex with a partner. Covering a much
broader age range, a Psychology Today survey re-
ported that 22 percent of the male respondents were
virgins. Since it is difficult for a man over the age of

eighteen to admit to being a virgin, it is likely that

these figures are lower than they should be. We
have
talked to many men in their thirties and forties, and
even to a few in their fifties, who have never had sex. It

177
178 MALE SEXUALITY
appears, then, that male virginity is real and widespread.
We all start out as sexual virgins but this status isn't
considered a problem until either we start feeling
pressure from others to have sex or we want to have it
but our attempts are unsuccessful.
There is tremendous pressure on men to be sexual.
Virginity is seen as an unnecessary evil, to be elim-
inated as early as possible. There is little compassion
or understanding for those who haven't had sex or who
don't want it. Here is what Playboy had to say about
the subject in an unsigned article reporting the results
of the college survey we cited earlier: "It is actually
possible to go through four years of higher education
without getting laid, though why you'd want to is be-
yond us. Fortunately, the odds are against it." The
pressure comes not only from sources like Playboy,
where you would expect it, but from places closer to
home as well. Here is what a nineteen-year-old col-
lege student told us:

I'm starting to doubt myself because I haven't had

sex. The thing is that I like girls and I spend time
with them. But I'm really involved with my studies and
playing ball, and I don't want to take the time to have
a big-time relationship. Just picking up some chick to
have sex with doesn't do it for me. I'm fairly content
doing my thing and not having sex. But everybody
seems to think I'm strange, and now I'm starting to
wonder. The girls I know don't seem to understand
where I'm at, and several have asked if I like guys
more than girls. Of course I like guys, but I don't want
to screw them. Some of my male friends know I'm a
virgin. They keep trying to help me get laid, coming
up with suggestions all the time. They don't under-
stand when I say that I'm OK where I am. And even
my father is on this trip. He never says anything di-
rectly, but whenever we talk he throws in little jokes
or quips about it being good for a guy to have fun and
sow his oats. I think he'd be prouder than hell if I told
him I fucked some girl.

Other young men we talked to have reported simi-

These men are not interested in partner sex
lar stories.
or don't feel ready for it, but the questions and con-
 VIRGINITY AND SEXUAL ABSTINENCE 179

cerns of their friends and relatives affect them and they

begin to doubt their position. It's hard to feel good
about yourself when society at large and those closest
to you view your state as a vile affliction in need of
immediate cure.
If you were surprised by our citing pressure from
parents as a factor contributing to the uneasiness of
virgins, we should say that we were also surprised.
While we have no way of knowing how widespread
such pressure is, it is clear in some cases that parents,
especially fathers, try very hard to get their sons in-
terested in sex. We have never been able to interview
any of these fathers, but from what we have pieced
together from the stories their sons told it seems that
they view sexual activity as an index of the normality
of their boys. Sex with a woman, they seem to think,
is a sign that the boy is a real man, or that he isn't
homosexual, or an assurance that he won't get overly
involved in drugs or alcohol. Such fathers don't under-
stand that sexual activity in itself isn't proof of any-
thing and that pressuring a boy to have sex before he
is ready can only result in increased strain in the
family and perhaps some serious problems for the
boy.
Our views on virginity stem from our beliefs that the
importance of sex has been greatly exaggerated in re-
cent times and that people should be allowed to blos-
som sexually in their own good time. We believe that
pressure to have sex is almost always destructive. It
pushes people into situations they may not be ready to
deal with and, more importantly, deflects them from
following their own intuition and good sense.
Having sex is certainly not necessary for a good
life, and the idea that one should have had sex by a

certain age is ridiculous. We know we are swimming

against the societal current, but we want to lend what-
ever support we can to those boys and men who are
reasonably content with their virgin status and want
to remain there, either for a while or permanently.
If you fit in this category, you already know it's not
easy and we would be doing you a disservice if we told
you otherwise. Virginity in males over the age of nine-
180 MALE SEXUALITY
teen is now
the exception rather than the norm. Vir-
ginity those over twenty-three or twenty-five is
in
considered by many to be odd and ungentlemanly. Al-
most any position that is statistically unusual is difficult

to maintain because people tend to dislike and ridi-

cule what is Others may wonder about you
different.
and perhaps make fun of you, and some will do all
they can to change your status because, for reasons
unclear even to them, your virginity bothers them.
Despite this, we hope you can maintain your integ-
rity and wait until you feel the time is right. If being in
love or being married is what you want before hav-
ing sex, we support your waiting until your conditions
are fulfilled. If you think that partner sex just isn't for
you, we hope you can feel good about that position.
You may want to rely on masturbation for sexual plea-
sure, or you may not, but your attitude is not an un-
reasonable or unhealthy one, despite the attempts of
Playboy and others to convince you of the opposite.
Virginity can also be a problem when it is unwanted
by the man himself. Many virgins find themselves in this
position. They want to have sex but nothing seems
to work.
There are many reasons why a man who wants sex
doesn't get it. Several of the longtime virgins we
talked with had more of a social than a sexual prob-
lem. They were quite shy, fearful of asking a woman
out and of making a physical advance. For some of
these men, it seemed that if they could somehow get
together with a woman and get past the first kiss, they
might not have too much trouble. But there's little hope
for sex when they can barely talk to a woman.
Many men, virgins and nonvirgins alike, have not
developed good social skills. The problem has been
largely unrecognized until recently, for it was widely
assumed that almost all men knew how to meet wom-
en and initiate relationships. A
few institutions, such
as the Human Sexuality Program, University of Cali-
fornia, San Francisco, now offer social skills groups
and workshops. Some assertiveness training courses
also deal with the development of social skills. Al-
though we know of only two books on the subject,
 VIRGINITY AND SEXUAL ABSTINENCE 181

both are good: Eileen Gambrill and Cheryl Richey's

It's Up to You, and Phillip Zimbardo's Shyness.
A large obstacle for many virgins is their fear of
what sex might lead to. Although we have no way of
knowing if the male virgins we saw in therapy are
representative of all males who have trouble losing
their virginity, we were very impressed by their fear
of involvement with women. It's as if they believed
that having sex would lead to entrapment by the wom-
an. They would have to stay with her, marry her, and
do her bidding until the end of time. They would lose
all rights, autonomy, and personal space. Since they
deeply believe that sex would lead to such dire conse-
quences, it's no wonder they have so much trouble get-
ting into it.

While many therapists would undoubtedly argue that

the only solution for such fears would be prolonged
psychotherapy, we believe differently. Twenty-one of
the twenty-five virgins we worked with got involved in
sex after only relatively brief courses of therapy, even
though most of them had been trying unsuccessfully
for over five years. It wasn't easy for any of them, but
those who got what they wanted agreed it was worth
the effort.
Another obstacle for many virgins is the heavy per-
formance pressure they put on themselves. Some have
tried to have sex a number of times, but the demands
to perform have been so great that they caused erec-
tion failure every time. Trying again doesn't help be-
cause nothing is done to decrease the pressure. Such
men should read the chapters on erection problems
and scrupulously follow the suggestions in Chapter 12
for sex with a new partner.
Another issue facing those who want to lose their
virginity is their feeling of almost hopeless backward-
ness. They believe their peers are experienced and
that women expect a man to know what he's doing.
Often these beliefs and expectations are realistic. A
man without sexual experience with partners is by vir-
tue of that fact a beginner and has some things to learn.
But there is also another side, one that may give you
some cause for optimism. Most women are not as con-
182 MALE SEXUALITY
cerned with experience and performance as men think
they are. Although it is true that women tend to
expect a man in his late twenties or older to be sex-
ually experienced, many are not offended or put off
when they find out otherwise. The women we talked
to who initiated a man in the ways of sex quite enjoyed
the experience. As one of them said:

To tell the truth, I was shocked when he told me he

never had intercourse before. I didn't think a man
could reach the age of thirty-three without having sex.
But the shock quickly died down and I thought, why
not? I had the time of my life. It was fantastic being
the teacher and breaking him in. He was so apprecia-
tive and I got everything I wanted.

Some men who have had difficulty losing their vir-

ginity decide that going to a prostitute would help.
While there are no bear on the success
statistics that
of such attempts, they are not without danger. Prosti-
tutes with hearts of gold are far more common in litera-
ture .than in reality and we have talked with several
men who, after they failed with a prostitute, felt worse
than ever about themselves and couldn't bring them-
selves to attempt sex again for months or years.
A good way of dealing with involuntary virginity is
brief treatment with a therapist experienced in work-
ing with men on sexual issues (of whom there are
very few). Another way is using this book. Much of
the material and many of the exercises are the same
as those we use in our therapy work with virgins.
If you have not yet had sex with a partner but
think you want to, you should ask yourself why you
want to change. What would sex add to your life? Then
ask yourself what obstacles are in the way of having
sex and what prices you would have to pay to over-
come them. You can be certain that there are obstacles
and prices. You can probably count on being rejected,
embarrassed, afraid, and awkward. There may be
other costs that only you can determine. When you
have listed the prices, try to see or feel yourself paying
them. Imagine yourself being rejected, fumbling with
the woman because of your lack of experience, facing
 VIRGINITY AND SEXUAL ABSTINENCE 183

the fears of involvement or not doing well at sex, or

any other costs you came up with. Now that you have
faced the worst, ask yourself if you're willing to pay
the fare.
If you can answer yes, you are ready to go on,
reading the sections and doing the exercises that seem
appropriate. If you're not sure, you can proceed any-
way and, as you get further into things, perhaps you'll
be clearer about your answer. If it's not worth the
price, maybe you can stop pushing yourself to have
sex and start concentrating on what is important to
you. As we said earlier, there is no dishonor in not
being sexual.
So, if you want to leave your virginity behind you,
there is hope. You may have to confront some of your
worst fears, and you may want to get some professional
help with this, but there's a good chance that you can
get into sex in a way that will be right for you. Make
sure that your conditions are met and that you follow
the suggestions in Chapter 12 for sex with a new part-
ner. We hope you enjoy the experience. Whatever
does or doesn't happen, whether or not it goes the way
you think it should, it can be fun. And if it doesn't go
precisely the way you hoped, there will be many
other opportunities.

Abstinence
We use abstinence and celibacy to mean a voluntary
and temporary withdrawal from sexual activity with
partners. Since it is men always
generally thought that
want sex, abstinence is notsomething one is likely to
hear men talk about, at least not favorably. We include
this brief discussion because we have talked to a num-
ber of men who were considering abstinence but were
concerned over what it implied about them as men.
We have also talked to a much smaller group of men
who have practiced celibacy for varying periods of
time with gratifying results.
There are any number of reasons why a man might
184 MALE SEXUALITY
choose to refrain from sexual activity for relatively
long periods of time. Preoccupation with extended proj-
ects is one. You might be so involved with an ac-
tivity— writing a book or musical score, studying for
—
an important exam, spiritual concerns, etc. that is so
demanding and satisfying that there is little time for,
and interest in, sex.
Another reason is that, while there may not be an
obvious preoccupation with other matters, there is
simply little sexual interest or energy. Many men try to
ignore their lack of interest or, worse, get concerned
about it and try to prove it groundless by engaging
in lots of sex. We men simply haven't had much per-
mission to be uninterested and uninvolved in sex. But
such times occur for many of us, sometimes lasting for
months or longer. While the reasons for the disinterest
may not be clear, there is certainly nothing abnormal
about it. Probably the best thing to do is honor your
feelings and get on with the rest of your life.
Deep depression is one of the more obvious factors
that can lead to a loss of sexual interest. The loss of a
loved one or a serious setback in one's education or
job can result in sexual apathy for some time. Some
men get concerned about this and try to have sex
anyway, often with negative results. It's best to wait
until time heals the wounds and the interest reap-
pears.
Even in the presence of sexual desire, there are
timeswhen abstinence can be beneficial. This is true
when sex would get in the way of important processes
and decisions. A
not uncommon example of this occurs
when a man
decides it's time to rethink his roman-
tic involvements. He has not been satisfied with them,
perhaps feeling as one man did that "It's like I've had
the same lousy relationship with eight different wom-
en." He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in
similar involvements. He needs time away from rela-
tionships to sort out his feelings, to determine why he
continues in the same negative paths and how he can
get more of what he wants.
Sexual involvement may not only impede his learn-
ing but it may also lure him back into what he is
 VIRGINITY AND SEXUAL ABSTINENCE 185

trying to escape. It might be best for him to avoid sex-

ual activity until he is clearer about what he is looking
for and how he can get it.
Abstinence can be useful in many situations, where
a man wants to get to know himself better and come to
some new understanding about where he is going.
Itcan be a time of learning and growing, and it need
not be as horrendously difficult as many men might
think.
One of us went through a period of eight months of
celibacy a few years ago and found the experience
relatively painless and also quite gratifying.

It was generally a good time for me. I spent lots of

time by myself, part of which was devoted to thinking
about past relationships. I also spent time with friends,
enjoying their company and sharing many of my feel-
ings with them.
The people who knew I wasn't having sex acted a
bit strangely, continuously asking how I could do it. It
was as if they thought I were performing some mi-
raculous feat. Men were much more surprised than
women. Actually, it wasn't very difficult. At times I was
lonely, but it wasn't as difficult as I had anticipated.
Sometimes I was aware of missing something, but it
usually wasn't sex. What I missed most was sleeping
next to someone and the cuddling and playing around
in bed. I got lots of hugs from my friends, but nothing
could replace the warm sense of snuggling with a lov-
er in bed. And that was really the worst of it.
Often I felt intense relief when alone. I didn't have
to concern myself with anyone else's needs or feelings.
Many times it felt very good to know that I didn't
have to share my bed with someone. It was my bed
and I could take it all up and do anything I wanted to
there.
To saylearned a lot is a cliche but nonetheless
I
true. I learnedabout myself and relationships and, sur-
prisingly, about myself and sex. I realized for the first
time how often I had not gotten what I wanted in sex
because I had been so busy trying to be nice and con-
siderate. And I saw how the resentment I had accumu-
lated during such occasions spilled over into other
parts of my relationships. Another important thing I
learned was that my need for solitude was much
186 MALE SEXUALITY
greater than I had ever imagined. I enjoyed my own
company and needed some quiet time each day to be
with me. This turned out to be quite useful in later re-
lationships: I could get more of my alone time when I
wanted it, thus making it easier for me to really be
with my partner when I was with her.

Some of the men who've practiced abstinence have

reported similar stories, but for others the experience
was somewhat different. None of the ones we've talked
to regretted their experience; in fact, all thought it
quite worthwhile.
We are not trying to sell celibacy any more than we
are trying to sell sex. But we do offer our support to
those who think that a period of abstinence would be
useful. It can be an important experience. Certain
problems are encountered by those who undertake
such a project, and we want to mention them. A
con-
suming sexual hunger, surprisingly, is not usually one
of them, especially since abstinence need not rule out
masturbation.
One problem is that of loneliness. Since abstinence
rules out what is usually called a romantic or primary
relationship, you are not going to get many of the
things that occur in such relationships. You may have
to manage with much less physical affection, com-
panionship, and the special kinds of communication
and closeness that you are accustomed to. Your closest
friends may be able to make up for some of it, but not
all. You will be deprived of some of your pleasures
and you will feel lonely at times.
Another problem is the meaning that you and those
close to you put on your behavior. You may find your-
self wondering if there is something wrong with you,
especially when you realize that staying away from sex
isn't terribly difficult. And, as the example given above
indicates, your friends may wonder along with you.
Sex has been so oversold that many people can't
even conceive of not having it regularly. So you'll
probably have to put up with some questions and as-
tonishment.
A last issue concerns what happens when you de-
cide to become sexually involved again. Some men, but
 VIRGINITY AND SEXUAL ABSTINENCE 187

not all, reported that getting back into sex after a long
period of abstinence was a bit awkward. This is hardly
an insurmountable obstacle but there can be feelings
of strangeness and embarrassment. Following our sug-
gestions in the next chapter for sex with a new partner
can alleviate whatever slight difficulties there are in
this area.
If you're willing to handle these issues and if a
period of celibacy seems like it might be right for
you, why not? And don't worry. No matter how long
you stay in that state, you won't forget how to "do
it."
 12
Dealing with a Partner
Relationships come in an almost infinite variety and
there are countless ways of expressing and dealing
with relationship issues. Our focus here is relatively
narrow. We restrict ourselves to those issues and prob-
lems that play a significant role in the development
and maintenance of a satisfactory sexual relationship.
Although the chapter is divided into sections, we
see it as a unit and believe you will profit from reading
all of it, even those sections in which you have only
minimal interest.
The ideas and suggestions presented here are effec-
tive but they have limitations. They work best in a car-
ing and supportive atmosphere, or at least one that is
not overflowing with hostility. If the relationship is
in serious trouble —
if bitterness and anger are the
norm or if the partners can barely be civil to one an-
—
other the relationship, not sex, is what needs at-
tention. While good sex is sometimes possible in bad
relationships, the combination is much rarer than most
of us believe. This chapter is no substitute for the
competent professional help that is usually required to
resolve the problems in seriously disturbed relation-
ships.

188
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 189

Talking about Sex

Talking to a partner about sex is one of the most
difficultthings to do. Even though there have been
many changes in sexual attitudes and behavior in the
last few decades, it probably isn't much easier to talk
about sex now than it was twenty years ago. We have
heard from people with broad sexual experience, some
of whom considered themselves swingers and had had
sex in every conceivable way with almost everyone
in town, but it was evident that they had problems
discussing their sexual thoughts, feelings, and behav-
ior with their partners. We have also talked to many
young men and women who were brought up during
the sexual revolution. While most of them started their
sexual careers at a much earlier age than their parents
and are much freer in their thoughts and activities,
they aren't much more comfortable discussing sex
with their partners. Doing it is obviously much easier
than talking about it.

A few years ago we heard the following on a radio

program devoted to the new sexuality. The speaker re-
counted an interview he had done with a young man
about a recent sexual experience.
INTERVIEWER: Did you know the woman well?
MAN: No, I met her that night.
I: How was the experience?
M: Fine.
I: Did you have an orgasm?
M: Yeh.
I: Did she have one?
M: Gee, I'm not sure. ... I guess so.
I: But you're not sure. Is there a way you could
have found out?
M: Hmmm. ... I don't know.
I: You could have asked her, couldn't you?
M: Asked her? I hardly knew her name!

There is no doubt that the inability to talk about sex

isone of the main reasons why sex is not as good as it
could be. In earlier chapters, we asked you to talk
about sex or at least consider doing so, and much of
190 MALE SEXUALITY
the rest of the book is also about talking about sex.
Since we consider sexual communication so impor-
tant, we want to say some general things about the
subject here and also to deal with some of the objec-
tions that men have raised about it.
In saying that talking is important, we do not mean
that sex should be primarily a cerebral affair, with long
analytical discussions before and after every experi-
ence. There are many times when talking is unnec-
essary or distracting. Talking about sex is a useful
option you should cultivate if you want to enhance your
sexuality, an option to be used when appropriate.
When is talking appropriate? It's difficult to give
general rules but we offer some examples. If you're
with a new partner, it's relevant to do something about
contraception. How can this be done without words?
Another example is when your partner initiates sex and
you aren't in the mood. How can you let her know
your feelings? Suppose you like a particular type of
stimulation or activity and your nonverbal attempts
to indicate this to your partner have failed. How can
you let her know what you like? Perhaps your partner
did or said something that annoyed or angered you.
How can you deal with this situation without talking?
Given, then, that there may be some good reasons
for talking about sex, let's look at some of the common
objections men raise.
One is simply that they would rather communicate
nonverbally. In response to this, we say that nonverbal
communication is one level of communication and an
important one. Not everything has to be spoken; many
times it is relevant and effective to indicate your de-
sires or feelings without using words. As a supplement
to verbal communication, acts and gestures are fine.
As a substitute, they don't quite make it. The man
who has sex with his partner every day is shocked
when she complains that he never tells her he loves
her. Isn't his lovemaking a way of saying that he
loves her? It may be, but only on one level, and she
also wants to hear it at the verbal level.
Nonverbal communication is important. Use it where
it works. And recognize its limitations.
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 191

A second objection to talking about sex is that it

interferes with spontaneity.A view of spontaneity as
something that precludes the use of words strikes us as
unnecessarily restrictive and quite unreasonable.
Words can be as spontaneous as actions and, besides,
where is it written that sex should be spontaneous?
The issue of spontaneity and exclusive preferences
for nonverbal communication are in most cases mere-
ly screens for the fact that people have great diffi-
culty talking about sex. Rather than admitting the
difficulty,they find reasons why talking is unnecessary
or a hindrance. This would be fine if they could have
the kind of sex they want without using words. The
problem is that they usually can't.
We begin with the premise that talking about sex is
quite difficult. Rather than trying to sidestep the is-
sue, we prefer to bring it out in the open and then
find ways of dealing with it.
One of the reasons why sex talk is so difficult is that
there are very few good models. Neither the kinds of
sources we examined in Chapters 3 and 4 nor more
academic treatments of sex demonstrate much in the
way of how human beings can discuss sex. This glar-
ing omission reinforces a myth we all learned — even
if you have sex, it's not nice to talk about it. Given

this lack of permission to talk and the lack of models

for how to do it, it's not surprising that most of us are
not very good at it.
Another reason for difficulty in talking is that it can
produce a powerful kind of intimacy. Verbally express-
ing your joy, anxiety, preferences, dislikes, and other
feelings is a way of sharing yourself. This holds great
promise but also great threat, since we are all at least
somewhat ambivalent about the prospect of closeness.
How much easier to let two more or less disconnected
bodies go through the mechanics of what we call mak-
ing love.
Man is the only animal that communicates with
words. This does not mean that all talk is noble, mean-
ingful, or even interesting. But in certain situations,
like sex, talking can open the doors to real sharing
between people.
 192 MALE SEXUALITY
Talk is also threatening in other ways. If you clearly
say what you like and want, you are displaying your-
self in a very personal way and exposing your vul-
nerability, since your partner may reject your requests
or disagree with your opinions. It's then difficult to say
that you didn't really mean what you said; such tactics
work much better with nonverbal communications,
most of which are subject to many interpretations and
therefore are easier to explain away if you run into
resistance.
Being clear verbally also seems selfish to many peo-
ple. It'sconsidered fine to be suggestive, for example,
loudly complaining about how much your back hurts
in the hope that your partner will offer to give you a
massage, or rolling around in a way that your penis
innocently ends up close to your partner's mouth. But
to come right out and ask her to rub your back or suck
your penis, well, that's something else. We can only
repeat what we said about selfishness in Chapter 6: it's
not such a bad habit. As long as you are willing to give
as well as take, you have every right to ask for precisely
what you want. It may be difficult at first, but it grows
on you.
The last threatening aspect of communication to be
discussed involves the fear of criticizing others. People
worry about making their partners feel bad. After all,
how would she take it if you told her you wish she'd
brush her teeth before sex, or that she holds your penis
too tightly, or that you'd like her to take a more active
part in the lovemaking? Not only might she feel bad,
thus perhaps forcing you to deal with your guilt about
that, but she might turn around and criticize you.
Many people don't want to rock the boat by saying
anything that is or might be construed as negative or
critical. Mutual protection societies get formed in re-
lationships, where each partner protects the other, and
therefore himself, from disquieting communications.
Which may sound very nice, what with all that protec-
tion, but which usually means that neither is getting
what he or she wants aside from the protection.
This is a nice little game, but the rewards are meager.
It's impossible for negative feelings not to exist in rela-
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 193

tionships. Your partner is going to say and do many

things that adversely affect you, and you are going to
do the same to her. The two of you can decide not to
deal with the negative feelings generated by such oc-
currences, as discussed above, or you can decide that
you are both free to express negative feelings in an at-
tempt to clear the air and get more of what both of you
want. Needless to say, we prefer the second alternative
because it does result in greater contentment in the
long run and also prevents the piling up of resentment.
Keeping resentment to a minimal level is important;
hostile relationships are often nothing more than the
effects of resentment piled so high that it eventually got
completely out of control. Putting the pieces back to-
gether after that happens is difficult.
There is no doubt that complaining or expressing
negative emotions is difficult. But we believe it is some-
thing that needs to happen fairly frequently if you want
your relationships to stay alive and healthy. The cru-
cial point in expressing complaints is not to blame your
partner; just let her know how what she says or does
affects you, as in this example:

"Martha, it really bothers me that you keep talking

about your ex-husband so much. I feel like I'm always
being compared to him, especially sexually. It's hard
for me to get fully involved in sex with you, because
I'm wondering if George had some better way of doing
it or if he gave you more pleasure than I do. I'd feel

much better if you stopped making these compari-

sons."

It is true, of course, that if you make such state-

ments, your partner will probably feel free to do the
same. Which means that you'll have to hear some things
you'd rather not. That can be excruciatingly painful at
times, but the anticipation is often worse than the
reality. It can be lived with and, more importantly, can
enrich both your relationship and your sexual patterns.
We want to emphasize that there are many levels of
communication and that no one is suggesting that
Shakespearian odes are necessary. Understanding this
point is important because the concept of communica-
194 MALE SEXUALITY
tion sounds very serious and frightening to so many
people. It can be quite simple and go no further than
your level of comfort.
Acts and gestures are one level of communication,
and words form another level. But the verbal level it-
self consists of a number of different levels. These dif-
fer in manyways, but the ones we want to discuss have
to do with the length, complexity, and difficulty of the
messages sent. Our preference is always for the shortest,
simplest, and most comfortable messages. Many thera-
pists and educators take the opposite approach, asking
their clients or students to talk in ways that are too
demanding or threatening. The following example indi-
cates some of the differences between the two ap-
proaches.

An intern presented a case that involved a sixty-five-

year-old man with erection problems. Because it was
obvious that the man made many probably incor-
rect assumptions about what his wife felt and wanted,
he was asked to go home and check out all of his
assumptions with his wife. That's a tall order for
anyone, but it was worse in this case because the man
had never talked to anyone about sex. Although he and
his wife had a generally warm and supportive rela-
tionship, sex had never been discussed. It seemed high-
ly unlikely to us that the man would even try to carry
out the assignment. We
predicted also that he would
not carry out any further assignments and would be-
come resistant to any suggestions from the therapist,
because she had asked for far too much. Unfortunate-
ly, we were proved right.
The wanted to know whether we thought
intern
communication was necessary. We did, but it had to
be built around the fact that this man had never
talked about sex. It had to be short, simple, and some-
thing he felt he could say. Without going into great
detail about the case here, we only want to say that two
simple messages were worked out that met these cri-
teria. One of them was, when she had stimulated him
to erection and was starting to get ready for intercourse
(which she thought he wanted) "This feels good.
:

Don't stop." The other, to be given after he ejacu-

lated, was: "What can I do for you?" These brief state-
ments were all that were needed to accomplish what
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 195

the therapist had tried to obtain through a much more

difficult, and in this case impossible, route.

Most of the examples in the book are at a low level

of complexity. Short and simple are what work best
most of the time. Long speeches are usually not neces-
sary.
You should also choose messages that are most com-
fortable for you or, if there's no way you can be com-
fortable saying what you want to say, messages that
are the least uncomfortable. You may find that the talk-
and-listen format presented below is a useful way of
making you more relaxed.
There are of course times when long and somewhat
complex messages are required. The problem is that
they are often not heard or understood. You might
want to check out what you do when someone talks to
you at length about a complex issue. If you're like most
people, you try to listen but get easily distracted,
mainly because you begin formulating your response. So
you're busy writing your speech while she's talking, and
guess what she's doing when you're talking?
The following exercise is useful for minimizing this
type of distraction. It can be used any time you have
something important to say, especially if it can't be
said in a sentence or two. It's very valuable for saying
things that have been or might be misunderstood.

EXERCISE 12-1: TALK AND LISTEN

Time Required: 5 to 10 minutes; 15 minutes maximum
When you have something important to communicate to
your lover, tell her so and ask for the amount of time you
think you need to get your message across. The time need not
be right now; you can set an appointment for doing it later. It
is important that you agree on a time when you are both
reasonably relaxed and free from any interruptions.
For your talk-and-listen session, sit facing your partner and
tell her what you want to say in as simple and direct a way as
possible. You might want to go over your thoughts beforehand
to make sure they are clear and concise. Stick to one main point
and be as specific as possible.
Your partner should understand before you begin that her
job is only to listen and understand. She is not to interrupt you
196 MALE SEXUALITY
unless she needs clarification. She is not to defend herself,
answer you, or comfort you.
Let her know when you are finished. She is then to tell
you in a sentence or two what she understood your main point
to be (e.g., "I hear that you're very angry with me because I
didn't want to have sex the last four times you initiated; you
think that means I don't care about you"). If you think she has
correctly understood you, tell her so. If not, correct her and
have her give you her new understanding. Continue in this
way until you are satisfied that she understands. Try not to be
picky, however. Understanding means only that she can cor-
rectly summarize your main point, not that she can repeat
verbatim all that you said.
If she wants to reply to what you said, use the same format
and try to understand what she has to say. It's usually best to
take at least a few minutes between your statement and hers.

Some of the people to whom we've suggested this

exercise have reported that it also worked quite well in
nonsexual areas, with friends, colleagues, and children.
It's truly amazing how often we aren't understood and
how often we don't understand others. The feeling of
being understood is a powerful one and in itself can
bring people closer together.
You need to realize, however, that understanding is
not the same as compliance or agreement. Your partner
will probably understand you better if you use the talk-
and-listen format, but that doesn't necessarily mean that
she will agree with you or comply with any requests
you make. She may not, for example, apologize for re-
jecting your last four advances, or feel any different
about the next four, but at least she will understand
what meaning you are attributing to her actions. If she
chooses to tell you what's going on with her, you may
better understand what the rejections really mean. And
that, though perhaps not exactly what you wished for,
may still be something.
Though communication is an important art to culti-
vate and can make your sex life more enjoyable, it is
not a panacea and it has limitations. One of them has
already been mentioned —communicating won't always
get you what you want. You need to guard against the
unrealistic expectation that just because your partner
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 197

understands your desires, she will agree with them or

fulfill them.
Communication is also limited because it may conflict
with the equally important right of privacy. Despite
what some of the therapy gurus have been preaching,
there is no such thing as complete openness or honesty,
nor should there be. You have the right to keep private
many of your thoughts and feelings, and so does your
partner. These rights should never be surrendered. Fur-
ther, there are times when it is best to keep one's
mouth shut. We have seen permanent damage done to
relationships when, for example, a man told his part-
ner about an affair he had or when a woman told her
partner that the conception of their child was not the
"accident" he thought it was. There is no guarantee
that talking is going to produce joy and goodwill. There
is simply no substitute for common sense and good
judgment in this or any other area. You need to con-
sider the possible consequences of what you say. In
most cases, the consideration can be brief because the
consequences are not serious. Other issues are poten-
tially more volatile, however, and you should take into
account the value of discussing them.
Another limit of communication has to do with its
results. If understanding and/or change are not forth-
coming the first few times a subject is discussed, fur-
ther repetition will probably be futile. If your messages
are clear and there is no change, then something is
getting in the way. The possibilities are many, including
that some other issue, like control, is really at stake,
or your partner cannot hear the message the way you
are sending it, or, even if she can hear and understand,
she cannot do what you want. You may want to shift
the discussion to these other issues.
Endless repetition is not only purposeless, but it is
also destructive since it makes communication sterile
and undermines the value of any discussion. Patience is
one thing; useless perseverance is something else. It
is disappointing, frustrating, and puts a strain on the
relationship.
198 MALE SEXUALITY

Contraception
Contraception is a subject boys and men used to
think about but in recent years have learned is none of
their business. It wasn't many years ago that the con-
dom or rubber was the primary means of preventing
conception. While it would be ridiculous to say that all
men took birth control seriously, it was true that they
were at least aware that it had something to do with
them. Males carried condoms in their wallets or the
glove compartments of their cars, practiced putting
them on, and traded jokes with friends about their
uses and problems (wearing one in sex was like taking
a shower in a raincoat, it was said). Boys were often
admonished by their fathers, coaches, and friends that
while sex was fine, they should take care not to get a
girl "in trouble."
Times have obviously changed. Since the advent of
the birth-control pill and the IUD, the idea has de-
veloped that contraception is almost exclusively a fe-
male affair. Family-planning agencies have focused
their energy almost entirely on women, sometimes treat-
ing the rare male who entered their portals as an
unwanted intruder. Unfortunately, some women them-
selves have also contributed to the illusion that birth
control has nothing to do with men. Carrying a good
idea to ridiculous extremes, they claim that women
must be totally responsible for their bodies and have
reacted with shock or hostility to the suggestion that a
man could be interested or involved in contraceptive
decisions and practice. Another factor is the media,
which have managed to convey the impression that all
women are either taking pills or are equipped with an
IUD.
Not surprisingly, men have
gotten the message and
many indicate no concern about, contra-
interest in, or
ception. Why should they, given their impression that
women have taken care of the subject? This lack of
interest is then taken by some women and by many
workers in the family-planning field as proof that men
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 199

are only interested in sex and care not at all about

women and the consequences of sex — an interesting
example of a self-fulfilling prophecy in action.
The consequences of excluding men from birth-con-
trol planning and participation have been serious. There
have been needless arguments and bitterness over who
should have taken precautions, numerous broken rela-
tionships, and countless unnecessary abortions. Despite
the pill and IUD, the rate of unwanted pregnancies
has not been reduced; in fact, it has substantially in-
creased in the teenage population.
The involvement of men in contraception will not
solve all these problems. But it can make a difference.
Perhaps most importantly from your point of view, it
can make your sex life a bit more enjoyable.
The fear of pregnancy is one of the factors that make
sexual partners uneasy. Even the suspicion that con-
traception isn't being used, or used effectively, is enough
to make them less comfortable than they would other-
wise be. While it is true that the woman will bear the
brunt of responsibility for a pregnancy or abortion, the
man usually finds that, like it or not, he is also in-
volved. Abortions are hassles and unwanted children
are disasters.
Birth control is a much more complex subject than
most people realize. There are many reasons why peo-
ple do or do not effectively use contraceptive methods.
It is difficult for many women who, though they know
they will bear the main responsibility for any unwanted
consequences of sex, have also been taught that having
children necessary to their feminine identity. Women
is

experience many such conflicts over the use of contra-

ception, and hence many are not effective contraceptive
users.
We believe that women should not have to take sole
responsibility for preventing conception, any more than
men should have to take sole responsibility for sexual
satisfaction.Sex involves man and woman, and so does
contraception. Sharing the responsibility for birth con-
trol can lead to increased comfort about sex, since
both partners know they are doing the best they can
to preclude consequences neither wants. It is also a
200 MALE SEXUALITY
special kind of intimacy which can bring the lovers
closer together.
Joint participation in contraception also means more
effective contraception. Several studies have clearly in-
dicated that the man's attitude toward contraception is
an important factor in how effectively it is used. Should
your partner have conflicts about contraception, it will
help her and the relationship if she knows she can
count on your understanding and support. Should she
be using a method inconsistently, you can use one over
which you have control and also initiate discussions
aimed at finding one both of you are comfortable with.
We hope you won't make the mistake often made
by family-planning personnel of equating male partici-
pation in birth control with the wearing of a condom.
Being involved has nothing to do with who ingests,
puts in, or puts on a contraceptive. Being involved
means only that you share and participate, and there
are many ways of doing this.
One good way is simply to ask before the first time
you have sex with a partner if she has a contraceptive.
If not, you can use a condom if that feels right, or you
can suggest engaging in activities other than inter-
course until a decision about contraception is made.
Another way, if your partner is using the pill or dia-
phragm, is to offer to pay all or part of the cost. If she
needs to see a doctor to get a contraceptive, you can
offer to accompany her. Both of you can discuss the
various methods and choose the one that seems best.
You can listen to any conflicts she has about birth con-
trol and do whatever is possible to help her deal with
them.
The following story shows how one man participates
in contraceptive issues.

One of my sexual experiences resulted in preg-

first
nancy and Iresolved that I would do all in my power
to prevent that from ever happening again. I've never
liked rubbers. I don't care what anyone says —
they do
dull sensation. So I've always relied on my partner's
using something, but I've always been involved. Be-
fore having sex with a new partner, I ask if she has
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 201

anything. Usually they do. But several times they

didn't and, surprisingly, I was the one who refused to
have intercourse. I just told them that intercourse
without birth control is not something I'm willing to
do, and I suggested other sexual activities. It always
worked out fine.
I like participating in contraception. I talk to my
partners about the method they use and, if there's a
relationship of any duration, I always pay some of the
cost. Most of the women I've been with in the last few
years used a diaphragm, and I've bought the cream.
Several have showed me how to put it in but, even
though I've tried a number of times, I'm not very good
at it. But we laugh at my bumbling attempts and that
becomes part of our being together. I don't find that
inserting the diaphragm interferes with our sex. It's
just part of what we're doing and I prefer to have it
put in when I'm there. I don't like it when the woman
goes off to the bathroom to put it in. It makes me feel
excluded. I like to hold her, touch her, or talk to her
when she's doing it. It feels nice and close.
A few women have been surprised by my interest
in contraception. They later told me that their first
reaction was some suspicion at why I was minding
their business. But this initial reaction has always
given way to appreciation. Because of my interest and
participation, my lovers have shared some things with
—
me that they haven't with other men their feelings
and conflicts about conception and contraception, as
well as their thoughts and feelings about sex. I think
I've also been open about my feelings. My interest in
birth control has served me well. I never worry about
pregnancy, I feel comfortable with my partners, and
I really enjoy them.

While this is not the place for a lengthy discussion

of various contraceptive methods, a few words are in
order. The pill and IUD have received the most publi-
city because they are the favorites of most family-
planning personnel and appeal to those who like to be
up on the latest technological advances. Both, how-
ever, have dangerous side effects which need to be con-
sidered. And here as elsewhere, there is a great deal to
be said for the simple methods. Both the diaphragm
202 MALE SEXUALITY
and the condom, when used properly with spermicidal
jelly or foam, are very nearly as effective, and neither
has worrisome side effects.
If you are certain that you never want to have chil-
dren, or more children, you might want to consider a
vasectomy. It is a relatively inexpensive and safe surgi-
cal procedure which in no way decreases sexual interest
or has any other negative side effects. The only prob-
lem with vasectomies is that they must be considered
permanent; usually they cannot be reversed. Talk to
your doctor if you have any questions about this pro-
cedure.
Successful contraception is simply the effective use
of whatever method you and your partner choose. Pick
a method that makes the most sense and feels most
comfortable to use. Then there will be less temptation to
take chances with it and, should one partner weaken,
the other can be there to give support and implement
its use.

Sexual Choices and

Saying No to Sex
Every sexual feeling and invitation opens the door to
a number of alternative actions, some of which will be
more satisfying to you and your partner than others.
Many men are not aware of all the possibilities and
hence end up either not getting their needs met as well
as possible or having trouble with their partners. This
section is intended to make you more aware of your
choices and help you exercise them.
One choice that men have difficulty making is that
of refusing to engage in sex at a particular time. This is
felt by many to be unmanly since a man should be
interested and able all the time, especially if he gets a
direct sexual invitation from a woman. Aside from
being silly (no one is always interested in anything),
this piece of mythology is harmful. For many men,
being able to say no to sex is a prerequisite for being
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 203

able to say yes to it. Sex is best when they are confi-
dent of their ability to refuse to engage in it. When they
have sex, it's because they want to, not because
they have to.
The man who can't say no to sex is always at the
mercy of his partner's wishes, or what he thinks to be
her wishes. ITiis is a very uncomfortable situation for
him, one that leads to deception and argument. If he
can't refuse her directly, he may pretend to be angry
or tired or busy so that she won't approach him. Or he
may start a fight, correctly believing that this will
dampen her interest. Even without these strategies, the
situation is not good because he feels compelled to have
sex when he is uninterested or his conditions are not
met.
Let's look further at this situation. Suppose your part-
ner indicates a desire for sex and you find that you
have no sexual interest at all (remembering that interest
refers to how you feel rather than what your penis is
doing). You don't have to try to get in the mood or
resort to deception. You can simply tell her that you are
not interested. The telling should be done with words
rather than gestures. Otherwise, she is liable to misun-
derstand what you are communicating.
What are the best words to use? The best approach
to the subject is probably to ask yourself how you
would like her to reject your sexual invitations. Word
for word, what would you want her to say? Try using
the same wording in your rejections. Rejections are al-
most as hard to give as to get. The first time you give
them directly, you will probably be awkward, but you'll
feel better about them as you get more practice.
Before you tell your partner that you're uninterested
in sex, however, you should consider if you want any
contact at all with her. Do you want to be alone, not
having anything to do with her? If so, it's probably best
to say that clearly ("I'm sorry, honey, but I just want
to be alone now"). She may be disappointed and hurt,
but at least there won't be any misunderstanding and
she will know what you want.
You may find, however, that although your sexual
interest is lacking, you do want some contact with
204 MALE SEXUALITY
her. You may want to cuddle, talk, take a walk, or do
something else with her. Even though her desire
may have been for sex, she may be willing to settle for
something else. Unfortunately, these other alternatives
often do not get mentioned or acted on because a has-
sle develops over the sexual invitation and rejection.
Such hassles can be precluded in most cases if you
are clear about how you feel and what you are inter-
ested in. The following example is but one of many
possible responses when your partner asks for sex and
you are not interested.

I really don't feel like sex tonight. I've been feeling

down since I found out that I didn't get the promotion
at work. I don't want to lead you on but if you're will-
ing, I'd like to lie here with you and talk.

If lying together and talking should lead to some

sexual interest on your part, you are free to make
another decision. If not, you and your partner may
still enjoy each other. What you're doing may not

be totally satisfying to her if she was really set on

sex, but at least it's something, a way of being to-
gether. And it avoids the horrible arguments that can
occur when she feels that you have no interest in her
at all.
We do not mean
to overplay the being together part.
Contact important in relationships, and so is being
is
alone. You have a right to be alone when you want
to. Be as clear as you can about what you want at any
given time regarding contact and sex, and let her know.
We can't emphasize it sufficiently: feeling comfortable
rejecting sex and togetherness is crucial to a good rela-
tionship and good sex.
While looks ridiculous on paper, many men act as
it

if they believe it is wrong ever to frustrate or disap-

point their partners, and this obviously hampers their

ability to say no. There's not much to be said about
this idea other than that it's impossible to attain. Every
relationship involves rejections, frustrations, and dis-
appointments. All you can do is accept their inevi-
tability. Make them as honest and clear as possible.
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 205

You can only give what you can give. And that is

usually sufficient.
Another area of difficulty arises when you aren't
sure what you want. You're not exactly turned-on but
not exactly turned-off, either. Suppose, given these
feelings, your partner initiates physical contact. Many
men hesitate to respond to their partners' touch for
fear of leading them on. This issue has been discussed
in the chapter on touching. All that needs to be said
here is that there is no reason to hesitate (and that's

true of your initiating physical contact as well). If

you are concerned about misleading her, you might
want to say something like: "I'm not sure what I'm in
the mood for. Let's see what happens." Start doing
what you want and see how you feel. You may be
content with the touching and, if your partner is also
content, there's no problem. If you both get turned-on
and want to continue to sex, there's also no problem.
Many men have trouble with the situation where
their partners want to go on to sex and they don't.
This is similar to the situation previously discussed,
where your partner initiates sex and you aren't in the
mood. Let's assume you and your partner have been
cuddling and she indicates she'd like sex. Take a min-
ute to consider exactly what you'd like. If you're
absolutely not in the mood for any kind of sexual activ-
ity, tell her. But perhaps you're interested in some-
thing sexual, but not what you think she wants. If
your sexual encounters almost always include inter-
course, you can still have sex this time without inter-
course. If you're not interested in intercourse, but
would be willing to do something else, let her know.
Don't assume that sex has to include any particular
activities or follow any particular pattern. You have
choices. Another way of telling your partner what you
want is to say, "I'm not interested in anything for my-
selfbut I'd like to do something for you." These kinds
of statements let your partner know clearly what she
can expect from you and prevent the building up of
inappropriate expectations. She will usually appreciate
your clarity and your willingness to do what you can.
Several myths stand in the way of applying these al-
206 MALE SEXUALITY
ternatives —those that state that a man should always
want sex, that sex should always include intercourse,
and that sex must always be reciprocal, with both
partners simultaneously being involved to the same ex-
tent. We have discussed the first two in other places,
but the third requires more attention.
The sexual model we learn emphasizes simulta-
neity. Intercourse is the paragon of the model, since
with it both partners are doing the same thing together.
If both experience orgasm, everything is perfect. (For-
tunately, however, the emphasis on simultaneous or-
gasm has decreased in recent years.) In other sexual
activities, too, many believe that both participants
must be busy at the same time. Thus, in oral sex, the
69 position is very popular.
There is nothing wrong with simultaneous sex as
long as you realize that it is an option, one that has
both advantages and disadvantages. Nonsimultaneous
sex is another possibility, one that is appropriate to situ-
ations where one partner is more interested in sex than
the other. We explore this subject further in the section
on working out disagreements. Here we want to add
that an advantage of nonsimultaneous sex that it
is

can result in much stronger physical sensations. Since

you are not busy both giving and receiving, you can
give directions to her on how best to please you and
can devote all your attention to focusing on the plea-
surable sensations. We have suggested to many couples
that they try oral sex with one partner taking the
active and the other the passive role, rather than using
their customary 69 format. More than 75 percent of
them reported that the nonsimultaneous way was more
enjoyable.
There is one more situation we want to discuss here,
and that concerns when you want something sexual
for yourself but don't want to give anything at the same
time. This is just the opposite of the example we ex-
plored earlier, when you are willing to do something
for your partner but don't care for anything for your-
self.Suppose you'd like a quickie, or would like your
partner to use her mouth all over you, or don't have
any preferences other than wanting to be on the receiv-
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 207

ing end of a sexual experience. This is difficult for

many men to handle because it sounds so selfish. We
are wary because we have heard so much from women
and the women's movement about how selfish men are.
But when you think about it, why shouldn't you be able
to get what you're willing to give to your partner at

—
other times? There's nothing selfish about that at all. A
simple request is all that's needed "I'd like to just lie
here while you make love to me," or "I know we've
got to leave in ten minutes, but you're turning me on
and I want you before we go."
There are many possible responses to any sexual
situation. Consult your feelings about what you want,
then work it out with your partner. Most times there
will be an option to please both of you.

TheSexual
First
Experiences with a Partner
The firsttime a couple has sex together is a poignant
moment. Two people come together to share an ex-
perience and themselves, often in conflict or confusion
within themselves, and with differing goals and expecta-
tions. Each hopes for at least a tolerable experience
and fears a humiliating one, each yearns for accep-
tance (though this yearning may be ambivalent) and
fears something less. Both are concerned that they will
not pass the test; that their bodies, behaviors, or per-
sonalities will be compared to some superior standard
and be found wanting.
Men have what they consider to be special concerns
about first experiences. Since they believe they are to-
tally or primarily responsible for the management and
outcome of the sexual encounter, they wonder if they
can get the woman ready, get and maintain their
erections, and provide the kind of ecstasy they assume
their partners desire. In short, they hope their perfor-
mances will be, if not fantastic, at least passable.
What men often don't recognize is that their partners
208 MALE SEXUALITY
go through very similar types of questioning and ago-
nizing. The woman wonders if the man will find her
body attractive, if she'll be able to please him, and if
the man will find sufficient interest and pleasure to want
to return.
It's only logical that people should be uneasy when
they have sex with someone new. Even in these days of
instant sex and instant intimacy, sex still means some-
thing special to most people. It's not something you do
with just anyone. In sex you allow a unique access to
yourself— to your nudity, to the feel and smell of your
body and its fluids. And it can go even further. You
may allow access to your emotions, at least to your
interest and excitement. In doing so, you run the risk
that this may be the start of real contact with the other
person, a kind of intimacy, with all the possibilities and
dangers that intimacy implies.
Because of the tension that so often accompanies
first-time experiences, they are often unsatisfactory.
Many men do not get or maintain erections in such
situations or ejaculate more quickly than they like, and
then feel bad about these "failures." Other men func-
tion adequately but don't get enjoyment from the sex.
Many women do not have orgasms the first time they
have sex with a partner, a fact for which many men
blame themselves.
It doesn't have to be this way. First-time situations
are unique and there is no way of dissipating all the
strangeness and tension involved. But the experiences
can be more comfortable and enjoyable, with fewer
"failures" and bad feelings.
Saying how to make them better is simple wait —
until you are comfortable with her and all your condi-
tions are met —
but difficult for many men to practice
because this approach flies in the face of the prevailing
notion of instant sex. What will the woman think if
the man doesn't make sexual advances almost as soon
as he has met her? Men think that the woman will feel
disappointed, angry, undesirable, or will conclude that
the man isn't interested in women or sex. In fact, most
women are quite willing to delay sex until they have
spent a significant amount of time with their new part-
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 209

ners and have gotten to know them. Many women ac-

tually experience some turmoil over what to do about
sex with new partners. They are torn between their own
desires and what they think the man wants, as illus-
trated by this quote from a woman with whom we
talked:

I wish all men were taught the kinds of things you're

saying about not getting into sex right away. Often
when I'm with someone I'm just getting to know, I'm
in a quandary as to what to do. I want to get to
know him better. I'd like some physical contact but
I'm not really comfortable having sex at the beginning.
But I'm supposed to be liberated and I worry that if
I don't agree to sex he might feel rejected or get
angry. I don't to hurt him or lose him, but at the
want
same time I didn't have to fuck until we knew
wish we
each other better and I really wanted to have sex with
him.

Many men and women feel this way and go through

a lot of difficulty trying to figure out what to do, often
making decisions that do not reflect their feelings. How
much better it would be if they could just tell their
partners how they feel. With only a few word changes,
the above quotation could be said to a new partner,
probably with little chance of misunderstanding or neg-
ative consequences.
There may be times, of course, when a woman
you hardly know will want sex immediately. Should you
find yourself in such a situation, remember that you
don't have to go along with her plans if they don't fit
yours. You can tell her how you feel ("I'd like to get
to know you better but I'm not ready to go to bed
with you now") and see if anything can be worked out.
This suggestion strikes some men as ridiculous, but
we know of only a few cases where it didn't work out
well. The exceptions all involved men who presented
themselves as the greatest lovers since Casanova. One
man, thinking about an evening that ended quite badly,
remembered that

I really came on like Hot Pants Harry when I met

her at the bar. I must have given the impression that
 —
210 MALE SEXUALITY
I would drive her through the ceiling with ecstasy. I
can see why mad when I said
she got I wasn't in the
mood for sex when we got to her place.

If you don't present yourself as a stud, you won't be in

danger of being accused of false advertising.
A
second factor that leads to quick sex is spending
too much time together at the beginning. We continue
to be surprised at how frequently men initiate sex with
a new partner, not because they wanted to but because
they couldn't think of anything else to do. Here is how
Sam, who chronically got sexually involved on the first
date with a partner, described his experiences.

Typically I take the woman to dinner or a show, then

for a few drinks. Then to my place. We talk a little and
then I make my move. You asked if I really wanted
sex all those times. The honest answer is no, at least
not most of the times. Sometimes I wish I hadn't
brought her home. But there she is. How can you
deal with that gracefully? I just can't say it's time for
her to go. What would she think? Last week there
was a weird situation with the woman I met at my
cousin's. I definitely knew what I wanted from her
when we got home. I wanted a back massage my —
back was killing me from helping my cousin move
but how can you ask for a massage on the first date?

Although Sam felt he didn't know the woman well

enough to ask for a back-rub, he was willing to have
intercourse with her and share her bed for a night.
Which is quite interesting, when you think about it:
for many people, sex has become less personal and in-
timate than a massage or conversation.
If you can't tell your partner that you're tired and
want to go home, that your back is sore and you'd like
a massage, that you don't feel ready to have sex with
her, or any similar feelings, sex is probably not going
to be very satisfying. If you're not comfortable telling
her any of these things, what is sex with her going to
do for you?
We use the idea of minimal contact to deal with new
partners. Rather than trying to rush a new woman into
bed or making a date for Saturday night at your place
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 211

or hers — a situation that almost begs for a sexual ad-

—
vance we suggest a few coffee dates first so you can
determine just what is your interest and level of com-
fort. A coffee date need not have anything to do with
coffee. It is merely a time-limited get-together during
which no physical contact other than a handshake
or hug is permitted. The woman should be informed of
the time limit when the date is arranged, and the limit
should be adhered to no matter what happens. Exam-
ples of coffee dates are short walks, giving her a ride
someplace, sharing a drink or meal.
Minimal contact allows you to find out how you
feel about a woman in small doses, giving you time to
make and ease any dis-
satisfying decisions for yourself
comfort you may experience. your interest in her con-
If
tinues and you are comfortable, you can arrange longer
get-togethers and do what you want.
We have suggested coffee dates to both men and
women and almost everyone who tried them reported
that they produced a great sense of relief. They were able
to get to know others without feeling pressured to fill
up vast amounts of time or have sex with people they
didn't care for or feel comfortable with. You might be
surprised by the number of times we heard stories
like the following.

I was pissed that had agreed to do the coffee date

I
thing. As soon met Jennie at the party I knew we
as I
would hit it off just fine. She was so lovely, so warm,
those beautiful eyes. ... I was sure I could take her
to bed that night and love it. But I kept our agreement
and asked her for lunch the next day. I don't know
what happened but she was a different person. She was
still we really didn't have much to say to
lovely, but
each other. kept looking at her eyes, trying to rekin-
I
dle what I felt the night before, but it just wasn't
there. She didn't even seem very warm anymore. I'm
not putting her down. She's an OK
person, but I can
see that she's not what I need. I wonder how I got so
worked up about her at the party. I think I'll vote for
coffee dates now. When I think of what might have
happened had I gone to bed with her that night, it
makes my skin crawl. There's nothing worse than real-
izing you're not interested in a woman after you've
212 MALE SEXUALITY
had sex with her. It's so hard to leave gracefully and
my feelings are so bad that they wipe out any good
feelings that might have happened during sex.

Now for some specific suggestions for sex with a

new partner.
1. Get to know her and give her the opportunity to
know you. Give yourself time to determine if you really
want sex with her.
The only possible problem is that she might misin-
terpret your lack of sexual attention as meaning that
you don't like her or find her desirable. Women are so
accustomed to men making sexual overtures as soon as
they meet that they may wonder what's going on even
though they really prefer to delay sex. simple ex-A
planation is all that's required.

This lovely but I think I should be going now. I

is
like you and am very turned-on to you but I'd prefer
not having sex until I know you a little better. Then
I'm sure it'll be good for both of us.

2. Be sensual with her before you even think of

doing anything sexual. Hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle,
or do anything else that feels good. The chapter on
touching may give you some ideas. Do what feels com-
fortable and stop when you feel anxious or when you
want to stop. If you have concerns that you are being
a tease or leading her on, talk to her about them.
3. Do what is necessary to feel comfortable with her
and get your conditions met. You might want to talk to
her about any concerns you have about being with her,
about what she expects in a relationship or sex. You
might also want to talk about the types of physical con-
tact you enjoy. This need not be a serious "There's
something I want to talk to you about" event. A
simple "I really like it when you touch me like that" is
fine. Establish a habit of discussing your preferences
with her; it will serve you well.
If you're feeling adventurous, you might want to
discuss the types of sexual activities you enjoy. Here's
what one man told us about discussing sex long before
he and his partner went to bed:
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 213

Itwas a new experience for me. Susan and I had gone

out four or five times and were strongly attracted to
each other. But she said she wasn't ready for sex. It's
funny how I can accept that from women but how
difficult it was for me to tell them the same thing.
Anyway, one day out of the blue she asked what I liked
in sex. This took me totally by surprise and it took a
few minutes before I could say anything. But I did
state some of my preferences and she did the same.
That conversation really turned me on and I was
looking forward to doing it with her. We didn't get to
bed the next two times we were together, however.
We continued our sex talk and I got more relaxed
about it. The next time we got it on and it was very
nice. There was a whole new quality to it. I just felt so
cozy with her. Getting to know her was part of the
reason and so was the sex talk. I felt that I had al-
ready come clean with her, she knew what I wanted
and liked. And since I knew what turned her on, I
didn't have to try to figure it out.
I learned a lesson from her and I'm grateful. That
was several years ago and since then I've usually put
off having sex with a new woman until we've spent
some time together and we've talked some about
sex. I'm happy to say that I'm now the one who ini-
tiates this talk.

4. Consider a session or two of massage before hav-

ing sex. Massage is a good way of getting comfort-
able with your partner and will also tell you how ready
you are for sex. If you're not comfortable in the mas-
sage, that's a good warning that some of your conditions
are not being met. The massage can be done informal-
ly ("I'd like to give you a back-rub") or by using the
more formalized instructions given in Exercise 8-3.
You might also want to consider sleeping with her,
which can be a nice and cozy way of getting more com-
fortable with her. We know this sounds a bit old-
fashioned, but it has worked very well for the men
who've tried it. It's possible, of course, that sleeping
together might lead to sex, which is fine if that's what
feels right at the time. But make sure your conditions
are met and that sex is what you want. If not, just
sleep.
5. When your conditions are met, when you are
214 MALE SEXUALITY
comfortable, and when you are feeling aroused, feel
free to engage in whatever sexual activities you like.
Try to remember what we said about sexual choices.
Intercourse is not required. If you have had erection
or ejaculation problems in the past, it is best not to
have intercourse the first few times you are with a new
partner. Do other things that feel good to both of you.
6. Give feedback about your experiences with her.
—
Feel free to tell her before, during, and after sexual
—
encounters what you liked and didn't like, and en-
courage her to do the same. This eliminates guesswork
and misunderstandings, thus helping both of you to
know each other better.
7. Express your feelings when appropriate. If you
have feelings that get in the way of your sexual re-
sponsiveness or, for that matter, your ability to relate
to her in any way, you would probably do well to dis-
cuss them with her. It will help her to know you and it
may also totally or partially resolve some of the diffi-
culties.
8. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If she
suggests that you have sex on the front lawn or that
her dog join in your sexual activities, and if such things
simply aren't your style, let her know immediately.
Take care of yourself.

Following these suggestions will allow you to begin

sexual activity with a new partner with a maximum of
comfort and a minimum of stress. They will not all be
easy to follow, but you now have the skills to at least
begin. In later chapters, we supplement this list
with other ideas for men who have erectile or ejacula-
tion problems.

Changing Sexual
Patterns in Relationships
Many men suddenly or gradually find that they are
not content with the sexual patterns in their relation-
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 215

ships. The sources of the dissatisfaction vary: too little

(or too much) sex; insufficient variation in practices
and positions; not enough initiation or participation by
the partner; not enough excitement; and so on. Some-
times the precise nature of the discontent is not clear;
the man just knows that sex doesn't feel as good or in-
teresting as it once did.
The best way to begin with this problem is to dis-
cuss it with your partner. It is not important whether
you know precisely what is bothering you or what
changes you want. The feeling of discontent is suf-
ficient basis for a discussion, during which clarity may
develop. Some men have been surprised to find that
their partners feel exactly the way they did, but
whether or not this is true, a talk is beneficial for put-
ting forth your thoughts and feelings, and preparing
for change.
The conversation about the subject is impor-
initial
tant and subsequent events. We
will strongly influence
suggest that you use the talk-and-listen format given
earlier in this chapter and that you spend a few min-
utes beforehand deciding what it is you want to say.
Your message needs to be clean and clear, and it should
not imply that something is wrong with your partner.
Like this:

(A) Mary, I've been thinking that our sex life isn't as
exciting as was when we first met. I'd like to talk
it

with you about it and see if we can make some

changes that will make sex better for both of us.

Not like this:

(B) Mary, having sex with you sure hasn't been any
fun lately. I'm going to tell you some things I want
you to do to correct the situation.

The man in example A is clearly stating his dissatisfac-

tion and expressing a desire that they both try to work
it out. The man in example B is headed for trouble.

He's telling his partner that it's all her fault (which
very rarely is the case) and putting her on the defen-
216 MALE SEXUALITY
sive. Her reaction will probably be such as to make
impossible any improvement in their sexual situation.
Be as specific as possible about your complaints.
Talk about how you feel dissatisfied and, if you know,
what changes you'd like. Ask for your lover's reactions
and ideas. Make sure she understands this is a joint
venture. Everything need not, and probably cannot, be
done in one discussion. Terminate the discussion when
one of you gets tired or when progress ceases, and give
yourself some time to think over what has been said.
Then you can talk again.
The result of your talks should be specific plans for
how change is to be Without specific plans,
effected.
there is an excellent chance that the changes will not
come to fruition. Consideration should also be given
to possible sources of resistance to the change and ways
of dealing with them.

Charlie wanted his wife to initiate sex more often.

He had told her about this in the past and, while she al-
ways agreed to initiate more, she rarely followed
through. There was good reason for this. If she did
initiate when Charlie wasn't in the mood, he became
angry. She would feel free to initiate only if she knew
that she wouldn't have to deal with his anger. With a
little help from a therapist, they worked it out so that
Charlie got practice turning down her sexual invita-
tions without getting angry. As he became more com-
fortable saying no, she felt freer to initiate when she
was in the mood.

Of all the sources that one might consult regarding

possible changes, the best are your fantasies and past
experiences. What kinds of sexual attitudes, events, and
practices have you thought about, fantasized about, or
dreamed about? Surely some of these could be
carried out in reality. What about your past experi-
ences? What factors made sex better with other part-
ners or with this partner at other times? Can some of
these factors be reinstituted now?
While on the subject of fantasies, we want to add
that the sharing of sexual fantasies, whether or not they
are carried out, is exciting to many couples. You might
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 217

want to try this if your partner is willing. But take it

slowly until you are comfortable with this type of shar-
ing.
Keep in mind is rarely easy and don't
that change
expect too too soon. Your partner may well be
much
willing to initiate sex, or have oral sex, or meet some of
your other wishes, but she may not always remember to
do what you want or do it in quite the way you want.
Patience is required, and so is support. Let her know
that you know she's willing and is trying. And give feed-
back so she'll know how she's doing.
You will go a long way to ensuring that your de-
sires are met if you reinforce what you like and correct
what you don't like, as long as the corrections are given
in a supportive and nonblaming way. If your lover
rarely initiates sex, make sure you tell her how much
you enjoyed it when she does initiate. If she has a lot
to learn about sucking your penis, give her directions
and let her know when it feels good.
you have trouble working out the changes you
If
like, be sure to read the section later in this chapter on
working out disagreements.

Boredom in
Sexual
Long-Term Relationships
Wanting to relieve boredom in a sexual relationship
is a specific example of making changes in a relation-
ship and is therefore closely related to the previous
section. But sexual boredom is an interesting phenome-
non in its own right.
While many people assume that boredom is inevi-
table in long-term relationships, we believe that this is
just another bit of mythology. Sex is not the same
after ten, twenty, or thirty years with the same partner,
but need not be boring or unsatisfactory. The mys-
it

tery may be gone since the partners know each other

well after a number of years, but the increased comfort,
trust, cooperation, and knowledge of one another that
218 MALE SEXUALITY
comes with being together for so long can more than
compensate for its absence. For some people, sex gets
better as the years go by, while for others it stays at
the same high level for many, many years.
Why, then, do so many others complain that sex
gets boring after a few years? The people complaining
of boredom to whom we have talked can be loosely
grouped into three categories, each with a different
reason for the boredom.
The first group consists of those who have maintained
a rigidly narrow pattern of sexual activity since they
began. Sex is programmed down to the last detail and
always proceeds according to plan. It's no wonder that
they are bored.
Changing the routine can be helpful to people in this
group. Having sex at different times, in different
places, and in different ways can introduce the kind of
variety that will relieve the boredom. You need to talk
to your partner about the changes you want or about
the idea of making changes. Specific ideas for change
can come out of your discussion, from your fantasies,
or perhaps from some of the exercises in this book. If
you want still more ideas, you might consult some por-
nographic films or literature and also Alex Comfort's
The Joy of Sex.
The notion of introducing variety into sexual rela-
tionships suffering from boredom is not new and has, in
our opinion, been somewhat overdone in recent years.
It can be beneficial, but only with the people who are
bored because of a lack of variety. Most of the people
who complain of boredom, however, do not fit into that
group. They fall into two other categories and it is
highly unlikely that sexual variety will do anything for
them.
The second category of people who complain of sex-
ualboredom consists of those in relationships with
little feeling left in them. Some of these people engage
in varied sexual techniques and activities but the bore-
dom persists because there is no feeling between the
partners (or worse, there is lots of feeling, all negative).
Since all the positions and techniques in the world
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 219

can't substitute for feelings of caring, attraction, and

passion, this situation is more difficult to work with than
the first type of boredom.
Our position is not very optimistic. Unless a way
can be found to rekindle the interest, caring, or love
that once existed, it may not be possible to relieve the
sexual malaise. This is not to say that the relationship
must resume its early form or that it must in any sense
become ideal. But some feelings must be awakened if
sex is to be different. This is sometimes possible and
sometimes not. We do not believe that a book is the
best way of dealing with this situation. Professional
help required in most cases.
is

The last category of sexually bored people consists

of those whose expectations exceed reality. While they
complain of boredom, on questioning it usually turns
out that they are not so much bored as dissatisfied be-
cause sex no longer is —
or never was what they —
thought it ought to be. People in this group, like those
in the preceding one, have often tried various ways of
increasing their sexual enjoyment. They have read all
the books, seen all the movies, attended all the work-
shops. Nothing helps, at least not for long, because
what they are after is unattainable. Rather than ex-
ploring the reasonableness of their expectations, how-
ever, they continue to look for the method that will
fulfill their fantasies.
This issue is a large one and, because the values of
sex have been so exaggerated in recent years, one to
which we are all subject to some degree. We discuss it

in greater detail in Chapter 22. For now it is enough

to say that dissatisfaction and boredom are inevitable
for those who cling to superhuman expectations. What
needs changing are the expectations rather than the be-
haviors. Our chapter on sex and aging will be useful
for those who have unrealistic expectations about sex in
the later years.
Sex does not have to get boring in long-term rela-
tionships, unless the opposite of boredom is defined in

terms of the excitement that characterizes adolescence

or fantasy. Sex does not get boring for those who re-
 220 MALE SEXUALITY
tain some affection for their partners, have realistic ex-
pectations about sex, do not do what they don't want
to do, and who feel free to have sex in ways, places,
times, and positions that feel right to them at the mo-
ment. In fact, a number of people have told us that sex
became really good for them only after they had been
together for more than ten years and that since then it
had kept improving. Sex was no longer characterized
by youthful passion and awkwardness, but it sure was
fun.

Working Out
Disagreements
Disagreements are an inevitable part of every rela-
tionship. Many can be easily and satisfactorily nego-
tiated, but not all. Some people delude themselves into
thinking that all differences can be ironed out. Such,
alas, is not the case. Some differences cannot be re-
solved in a given relationship, and for others the amount
of effort required, as well as the amount of ill will gen-
erated, xnakes the price too high.
One extremely common type of disagreement re-
volves around the amount of contact and sharing in the
relationship. Usually it is the woman who desires more
attention and communication. Without them, she may
withdraw sexually. We deal with this situation in greater
detail in the next chapter. We mention it here because
so many times sexual disagreements are the result of
this more basic conflict.
Two other common disagreements have to do with
the frequency of sex and types of sexual activity. While
many people still believe that it is always the man who
wants sex more often and who is eager to try variations,
this isn't necessarily so. In fact, in our experience we
have found that there are just as many relationships in
which the reverse is true.
With either of these types of conflict, the first thing
to do is to determine precisely what you or your part-
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 221

ner wants. This can be more difficult than it sounds. A

desire formore frequent sex sounds deceptively simple:
"I (or she) just want to do it more often." But what is
"it" —
touching, oral or manual sex, intercourse, or-
gasm, or something else? The it has to be pinpointed;
its precise nature makes a difference as to whether or
not it can be fulfilled. The partner less inclined to have
more sex may be willing to increase the amount of
physical contact or sexual activity other than inter-
course, but may not be willing to have intercourse
more often.
Another way of looking at the same issue is to ask
what would it mean for the requester to get what he
is asking. Is he primarily interested in the physical act
itself or its symbolic meaning? If it's the meaning
rather than the act that's important, the issue can of-
ten be resolved without increasing the amount or va-
riety of sex.
For example, a woman may ask for more sex be-
cause only during sex does she feel loved; it's the only
time her partner pays any attention to her. While an
obvious solution is to increase the amount of sex, a
better response in some respects would have the part-
ner start paying attention and showing love in other
ways. Another example is a man who wants his part-
ner to swallow his semen because he feels this would
show her complete acceptance of him. In some cases
like this, the willing to have the men
women were
come mouths. But the majority of such situ-
in their
ations were worked out in other ways, more acceptable
to both partners.
Here again we emphasize the importance of un-
derstanding clearly what the disagreement is about.
More sex, oral sex, anal sex, more active participa-
tion, and similar requests are not specific or clear
enough. Exactly what is it that you or your partner
wants? And what would it mean to you to get it or not
get it?
The symbolic meanings of sex are many, and we
deal with some of them in Chapter 22. For now, just
be sure you know what you want and what you and
your partner are disagreeing about.
222 MALE SEXUALITY
Of course there are situations where one partner
simply has a greater desire for sex than the other.

We one man who claimed he wanted sex at

recall
least once a day, every day, while his partner was satis-
fied with once a week. Sex was this man's only way
of showing his wife he cared for her. But even after he
learned to express his love in words and nonsexual
touching, he still wanted sex more often than she did.
The discrepancy in desire was resolved in several
ways, only one of which will be mentioned here. We
suggested masturbation as a sexual supplement for
him but that didn't appeal to him because it didn't
include his partner. Whereupon she said that she
would be happy to hold and stroke him while he mas-
turbated. He wasn't exactly thrilled by the idea but
finally tried it. This practice soon became a regular
part of their sexual repertoire.

The compromise this couple worked out is some-

thing that others who have different preferences regard-
ing frequency might want to try. The main obstacle
to its implementation is the myth that in sex each
partner does something to the other but no one does
anything to himself. It's a powerful myth, but when
you think about it there's no good reason for it. While
masturbating this way is not as exciting to many people
as other forms of sex, it is an alternative that allows
for sexual satisfaction with some participation by the
partner.
If you and your partner understand each other's
position and no agreement seems possible, you both
need to consider how important the matter is to you.
Is it really vital that you have sex more often or that
she suck you or initiate sex? If it's not terribly impor-
tant, you might want to drop the subject. It may not
be worth the hassle. Even if it is important, consider
what the chances for resolution are. If your partner
is adamant, or if it seems that a change will create
considerable ill will in the relationship, ask yourself
if it's worth it. Since you're not going to get everything
you want, it pays to put your energy into those issues
that are most important and that have a reasonable
 DEALING WITH A PARTNER 223

likelihood of being resolved in a way that does not

involve serious negative side effects.
If you want to continue with trying to make
changes, here are some ideas:

1. Let your partner know how important the issue is to

you and how willing you are to try to find a mu-
tually agreeable solution.
2. Ask what her objections are.
3. Taking her objections seriously, see if you can
suggest ways of dealing with them, or offer to
work with her toward this end.
4. Offer her something in return, something she wants
but you have so far been unwilling to grant.

The following story illustrates how these suggestions

worked in one case.

George had never had anal intercourse and wanted

very much to try it with a woman he was seeing. She
refused. Although the relationship was generally
sound, fights soon developed over this conflict. We sug-
gested that George ask his partner why she was so op-
posed to the idea, and that he do nothing but listen
while she talked. Her objections were that the whole
idea seemed dirty to her and that she feared it would
be painful. George asked if she would be willing to
keep an open mind on the subject and to see if some-
thing could be worked out. She agreed after exacting a
promise that he would not push her. A discussion
with us and some reading helped free her from the
idea that anal lovemaking was shameful. We told her
that while this kind of sexual activity might be uncom-
fortable at first, if she wanted to try it lubrication and
the relaxation of the pelvic muscles would help. We
suggested that, since she would be doing this for
George's enjoyment, she should ask for something for
herself. There was something she wanted — a whole
evening of George pleasuring her, "just spending a
whole lot of time lavishing physical affection on me"
— but George had refused to do it because it involved
so much time. The trade was made. She got her
evening of loving and enjoyed it. George got what he
wanted but the results were not what he had expected.
224 MALE SEXUALITY
"Itwas weird. It just wasn't anything like I thought it
would be. I mean, it was OK, but nothing special.
God, to think I got so hassled about it."

There is one situation you need to look out for. If a

disagreement assumes major proportions and can nei-
ther be resolved nor dropped, and is causing real
problems in the relationship, the chances are excellent
that sex is not what you are disagreeing about.
Something more fundamental is probably at stake. Get
some help before it wrecks the relationship.
 13
Some Things You Should
Know about Women
Although men and women spend much of their lives
in each other's company, many think and act as if
the opposite sex were an alien species. Throughout
history — —
in jokes, folktales, songs, and literature men
have bemoaned their inability to understand women.
Even the great Freud, after decades of inquiry, finally
threw up his hands in despair, crying, "What do wom-
en want?"
Female sexuality has been a particularly vexing
area for men, who have believed and vainly tried to
reconcile many outlandish and contradictory ideas
about how women related to sex. From the wanton
slut of the fantasy model, who can never seem to get
enough of sex, to the prim Victorian lady for whom
any sex, or any thought of it, would have been far
more than enough, we have gone from one extreme to
the other, never quite knowing which to trust.
Ignorance breeds doubt and fear, and to these emo-
tions must be added others —
envy and anger. Men
have often thought that women had it too easy in
sex. Women didn't have to do anything. They could,
if need be, just lie there and spread their legs. Men,

on the other hand, had to do all the work; at the very

225
226 MALE SEXUALITY
least, they have to achieve erection. The woman got
to lie back and evaluate the man's prowess. It just
didn't seem fair.
Since the natural order seemed weighted in favor
of women, men used their physical and political pow-
er to tip the scales their way. Men defined how wom-
en should feel and behave sexually, and it wasn't long
before women started acting the way men said they
should, even to the point in Victorian times of de-
nying that they were sexual at all. But the uncertainties
and fears remained.
would be presumptuous to assume that in one
It
chapter we can clear up issues that have perplexed
millions of men over hundreds of years, but we are
going to try at least to shed some light on the topic of
female sexuality. This chapter is divided into two
parts. The first discusses what women say they want
in sex and the second deals with some of the anatomical
and physiological aspects of female sexuality. The order
reflects our priorities: what women say they like is more
important than where the parts are and what they do.
We want to emphasize that this chapter is in no way
intended as a blueprint for satisfying a woman. There
is tremendous variation among women, as there is
among men. Nothing is true of all women. This
point
was underscored powerfully in the preparation of the
chapter. A —
number of women colleagues, friends,
clients —
read it and made comments. There is hardly
a point in the chapter that was not disputed by at
least one of them. The intention of the chapter, then,
is to serve as a basis for thought and discussion. Even
if your partner disagrees with everything we say, if

she lets you know how she differs from what we say
and explains what is true for her, then this chapter
will have served its purpose.

What Women Want in Sex

Female sexuality, as we said above, has traditionally
—
been defined by men. Male authorities religious, lit-
 ABOUT WOMEN 227

erary, medical, scientific —

decided what women were
like sexually and what they wanted. Only rarely were
women themselves consulted about the matter. When a
woman was courageous enough to try to define her
own sexuality, no one paid much attention because it
didn't seem that a woman would know what she was
talking about. It was easy to pass her off as unfemi-
nine, a castrating bitch, or a threat to the established
order of things and continue in the delusion that men
knew what was best.
This pattern is in the process of change. Women

are now studying female sexuality and there is more

societal permission for them to explore their own sex-
ual feelings, styles, and preferences. But it is a mistake
to think that the tenacious hold of male-dominated
ideas has been broken. Many if not most women still
find it difficult to assert themselves sexually. Many of
them are struggling to do just this, but it isn't easy.
One of the most powerful lessons many women learned
was that they should defer to men in sex; they cer-
tainly shouldn't say or do anything that might be
taken as a reproach or criticism. This obviously makes
it difficult for them to assert their own sexual desires,

especially if the man takes any suggestions as an insult.

In order to find out what women had to say about
sex, we decided to ask them. Bernie Zilbergeld and
Lynn Stanton did a study in which over four hundred
women responded to a questionnaire asking what they
liked and didn't like in sex. Most of the material and
all of the quotations in this section are from that study.
To get the maximum benefit from the material to
be presented, you should do the following exercise
before reading further.

EXERCISE 13-1: WHAT YOU THINK

WOMEN WANT IN SEX
Time Required: 30 to 40 minutes

Make a list of the kinds of things you think women (your

partner, a potential partner, or women in general) want in sex,
in terms of attitudes, behaviors, techniques, or anything else.
Make another list of the things they don't want Be as specific
as possible in both lists.
228 MALE SEXUALITY
You might want to keep your lists handy as you read the
rest of the chapter and compare your responses with what is
presented. When you find a discrepancy, ask yourself what is
the basis for your information. Did a partner say or do some-
thing that led to your belief, did you hear it from others,
read it in a book, or are you guessing? We do not mean to
imply that you are wrong if you disagree with what we say.
As we mentioned earlier, many women disagree with many of
our statements. We only want you to make sure that you
have good reason for disagreeing. If you believe that a certain
point is not true for your partner but aren't sure why you
believe this, why not check it out with her?

We were pleased to discover that most of what the

women said was congruent with our own thinking and
with the approaches we were successfully using to
help men enhance their sexuality. This convergence
seems to point to the possibility of a more realistic
and human expression of sexuality. To be sure, wom-
en want more from men, but what they want has
nothing to do with bigger penises, harder or more
frequent erections, perfect performances, or mind-
blowing orgasms. They want more of the kinds of
things many men are now realizing that they want to
give —equal treatment, understanding, sensitivity, com-
munication, and a greater sharing of themselves. An-
other way of saying the same thing: women want
more of what men have not been allowed to give
because of the rigid ordering of human qualities into
male and female categories. They want men to be
more fully human, more fully themselves, so that
women can be who they are.
Before going on, we want to mention that we are
not saying that women are right and men are wrong,
nor that women are paragons of sexual wisdom. Wom-
en's sexual training is at least as unrealistic and cruel
as men's, and in many cases much worse. As a result,
many women have problems with sex. They are in
conflict over what is right for them, or can't get their
minds and bodies to operate in harmony. Many of our
respondents candidly admitted their problems and con-
fusions. And more than a few said that the reason
 ABOUT WOMEN 229

they hoped for a change in men was that this would

make it easier for them to change.
If there is any one point which summarizes what
women want from men it is a greater sharing of
themselves. This issue extends far beyond the area of
sexual activity but often affects it since a woman who
thinks her man is not giving enough in other areas
may well be angry or inhibited in bed. There is no
doubt that this is the greatest complaint women have
about men: that they do not give enough of their time,
attention, feelings, and understanding.

He says he loves but you'd never know it from the

me
way he acts. We
never do any touching, talking, or
anything else. He doesn't have time for me because
he's so busy with all the "important" things like his
job, working on his stupid boat, paying bills and caring
for the lawn, and watching a zillion football games on
TV. I want more of him. I don't care if the lawn never
gets mowed.

A
common pattern in contemporary relationships
is woman makes requests for more contact,
that the
which the man often interprets as meaning that she's
asking for more than he's able or willing to give.
Whereupon he retreats further into his other activities,
which makes the woman angry and more demanding.
Which makes the man withdraw even further, ad in-
it is not the man's aggressive-
finitum. In this pattern,
ness that upsets the woman, but his passivity and
withdrawal, his lack of responsiveness in expressing
his feelingstoward her.
Another common pattern, better known than the
first because of the widespread publicity given to it by
the women's movement, involved a domineering man
lording it over his partner. He
doesn't respect his
partner as an equal and her how to
feels free to tell
live her life, free to
criticize and belittle her, and, in
general, not to takeher seriously. Curiously, this pat-
tern is more similar to the one discussed above than
may seem apparent at first glance. Both involve wom-
en not getting what they want (and this is usually al-
230 MALE SEXUALITY
so true for the men) because their men refuse to give.
Many of the points that follow are only elaborations
of these two patterns. And, unfortunately, we don't
have any easy solutions. Women have been trained
to focus more on relationships than have men, who
learned more about dealing with things like jobs, ideas,
and games. Relationship patterns and problems are
often merely logical outgrowths of the different so-
cialization patterns. Many times, however, compro-
mises are possible, providing there is some genuine
affection between the partners and an ability to listen to
what is being requested by the other. Often what is
being asked is much less demanding and threatening
than what was imagined. In most relationships, there
is no reason why the man (or woman, if that be the
case) can't have time to work on his boat, while the
woman (or man) also gets some of the contact she
(or he) desires. We hope that what follows will be of
value in helping you hear what some women say they
want.

The days are long gone,if they ever existed, when

women wanted nothing from sex and submitted to it
only to please their men. Women like men who are
interested in what they want. They view sex as a co-
operative venture between equals and expect to be
taken seriously. The man who is concerned only with
his own needs and satisfaction is held in contempt.

I like a partner who can be sensitive to my needs

while being true to his own satisfaction. I like to
still

have my requests listened to and to not be forced into

doing things I don't like. In short, I like an equal
relationship rather than a one-sided one.

What I hate most is when a man is concerned with

his own needs to a degree that leaves no room for
mine. It feels like a denseness on his part, an unwill-
ingness to listen to me. It makes me feel like I have
to struggle to be an equal person in the sexual interac-
tion, and often that I am simply unable to have an
impact on him. The behaviors range from near-rape
(insisting on intercourse when I don't want it) . . . to
 ABOUT WOMEN 231

berating me
for being oversexed when I want sex and
he's not in the mood.

In general, women seem much less performance-

oriented in sex than men. Sex for them is a process of
shared contact and communication rather than a mad
scramble to achieve certain goals.

The important things are sharing and mutual plea-

sure. The sharing of minds, bodies, and souls is where
it's at for me.

Men get so busy pursuing performance goals that they

forget sensuality, playfulness, the pleasure of taking
one's time during a sexual encounter, doing things
like exploring fantasies, experimenting with different
things, and taking the time to stop in the middle of
lovemaking for a sip of wine and some talk.

Women tend to have a fairly differentiated view of

sex. Each is important, to be appreciated for its
part
own sake, whether or not it leads to something else.
What is usually called foreplay is not something they
see only as a prelude to something better. It is valuable
in its own right, and women like men who are sensual
enough to enjoy this aspect of lovemaking.

I like sensual men. A man who will spend as much

time kissing my
neck (if he and I are both enjoying
it) as my breasts can turn lovemaking into a slow,
delicious exploration and discovery of each other.

I enjoy a man who enjoys all forms of foreplay for

their own sake and who doesn't have to have inter-
course every time.

Expressions of physical affection are extremely im-

portant to most women, and not only sexual touch-
ing. They want to touch and be touched at times
when sex isn't possible or desirable, as well as times
when sex may be a result of the touching. Women
who are only touched when their partners want sex
are not content.
232 MALE SEXUALITY
Affection is what I crave. Touching is important all
the time.

I getso angry when a man thinks that all touching must

lead to sex. I want to be able to touch, and want
him to touch me, just as a way of saying, "I like you,"
or "I care for you," without having to end up in bed.

The hugging, kissing, and stroking called foreplay

comprise one example of the physical affection women
like. The uniting of genitals is another, but one that is
distrusted by women unless it is preceded and fol-
lowed by other kinds. They resent feeling that they are
nothing but receptacles for the man's sperm, useful
until he has ejaculated and then discarded like yes-
terday's newspaper. Afterplay, therefore, is another
type of affection that most women like.

I like a man to hold me after intercourse. There

doesn't have to be a lot of conversation, just a few ten-
der words, some physical intimacy, some contact that
tells me that the closeness is still there even after the
orgasm is over.

a man who, after orgasm, jumps up and

I resent says
"Now on to the important events of the day."

Another aspect of the affectionate, sensual approach

that appeals to so many women is a slow, unhurried
attitude.

I like him to move slowly — to kiss me, fondle my

body, to allow me
to pleasure his body through kissing
—
and stroking and to take time to try different things,
to be able to stop for a while and start again. I like
sex to be a slow, sensuous experience.

I like aman who is relaxed and unhurried during sex.

When a man rushes, I assume that he is caught up in
himself and his feelings and that it is not a sharing ex-
perience.

This should not be taken to mean that every sexual

act must go on for hours or that women are against
 ABOUT WOMEN 233

quickies. It true that some women have learned to

is
distrust quickies because they think they are being
used without regard for their own needs. Despite this,
however, most women do like or can learn to like
quick sexual encounters provided that they feel cared
for and respected and that this is not the only type of
sex they get. Amoral we draw from this is that quickies
work best in the context of a caring relationship,
where both partners trust the other and know without
question that they are valued and appreciated. A
quickie at the beginning of a relationship, however, is
a good way of leaving the woman feeling used and
abused, and may end the relationship before it gets
off the ground.
Gentleness and sensitivity are greatly admired by
women. Women usually do not like feeling that they
are in a football game when having sex.

Being gentle is a virtue.

Perhaps what saddens me the most is the way that

some men feel they must act in order to fulfill their
masculine role. This includes gruffness, a lack of ten-
derness (such as hugging and soft body stroking), and
poor expression of emotion.

Again, thisshould not be construed to mean that

women are not sometimes interested in rough sex.
Many are, but usually only in the context of a
relationship where they feel respected and cared
for. Rough handling outside that context —
despite
what Harold Robbins and other such experts have
to say about it leaves —most women feeling
abused and thinking that the man is an insensitive
clod.
We realize that haven't said much about or-
we
gasms so the women who responded
far. Surprisingly,
to the questionnaire didn't have much to say about
this topic. Women want orgasms, there is no doubt
about that, but they tend to view them somewhat dif-
ferently than men do. While most men can barely con-
ceive of a sexual experience without an orgasm for
them, women are more flexible. They don't see or-
234 MALE SEXUALITY
gasm as necessary every time. Sex can be good even
without orgasm.
It follows then that for many women orgasm is not
the main reason they engage in sex. They have sex
because it's a way of sharing themselves and a pleasur-
able experience. They want the option of being able
to have an orgasm, but don't want to focus on it to the
point where everything becomes only a means toward
this end.

I don'twant to feel that I have to climax every time.

I want to be able to get what I need to have an or-
gasm when I want one, but that isn't every time I
have sex. I want to be able to enjoy just doing what
feels good, without worrying how it should end.

Women do not like being pressured to have or-

gasms. Being sensitive to their needs is valued, as is
the willingness to give them the kinds of stimulation
they want (which may or may not be intercourse).
Trying to make them come so that you'll feel like a
good lover is not.

If I haven't climaxed but feel warm and happy and

sleepy and tell my partner want to sleep, it makes
I
me angry if he insists I must have an orgasm. That
says, "I'm meeting my male ego needs and to hell
with you."

In conformity with the idea that women are more

interested in an experience than a performance, the
more technical aspects of sex that concern so many
men received little attention. Not one woman men-
tioned penis size as being important and only a very
small number said anything about the ability to last a
long time. This is not to say that a woman won't feel
cheated or frustrated if you ejaculate in twenty sec-
onds every time you are with her she probably will —
— but only that this is not the most important consid-
eration for most women. If you are relating in ways
that are satisfying to both of you, learning to last
longer is a simple matter.
Many women complained about rigid, mechanical
 ABOUT WOMEN 235

patterns on the part of their lovers, where technique

was emphasized over personal expression, playful-
ness, and passion. They don't like to feel that the man
is doing something to them; they want the man to be

with them, sharing the experience.

I am not interested in sexual performance. I am in-

terested in sexual expression on a one-to-one basis
without a driving manual for instruction and reference.

A mechanical approach is the biggest turn-off for

me. I'm treated as a machine or Barbie Doll, to be
touched, diddled, rubbed, or sucked in certain parts
according to what worked for the last girl or what he
read in a book. No emotional communication, no joy,
just engineering designed to do the job as effectively
as possible so he can get on with what he really wants
to do.

Part of the complaints about rigidity dealt with the

man's unwillingness to experiment. We were a bit
surprised by this because we have so often heard this
complaint from men about women. A number of
women said their lovers were quite resistant to trying
new places, times, positions, and activities. Some said
that their partners refused to have intercourse in any
but the missionary position, some that their partners
would have sex only late at night, while others
complained that while their men wanted oral sex from
them, they refused to reciprocate.

For all their talk, men seem to be more inhibited than

women. *

Many women expressed a desire for less seriousness

and more playfulness in sex.

I like formen to regard sex as a fun thing, not as

something real heavy.

Most of all I love playfulness and rule-breaking in

lovemaking. Nothing sacred or orderly or sequential,
just experimenting and the shared closeness that it
brings.
236 MALE SEXUALITY
Reading these comments reinforced an impression
we developed in our work with men, in and out of
therapy— namely, that many men regard sex as a very
serious undertaking, with no levity permitted. The
issue here is of course our old friend performance.
When you're trying to get the job done, to perform
well, humor and playfulness are experienced as dis-
tractions. On the other hand, when you are having an
experience without much regard for where it ought to
go, you can do whatever feels right at the moment, be
it laughing, crying, talking, fucking, nibbling, cuddling,

or something else.
In line with their desire for a sharing experience,
the women requested more communication about sex.
They wanted men to be more open about their feelings
and preferences, and they liked men to ask about
their partners' preferences. All in all, women want
an atmosphere of openness in talking about sex,
where each partner is free to say what he or she likes
and dislikes, how he or she is feeling, and to verbalize
anything of relevance to the process. Several women
were clear that when this atmosphere prevails, or-
gasms are not a problem. They can say what they
want and, when they get it, orgasms usually occur.

Communication plays a huge part in satisfaction and

enjoyment. One good thing men can do is give me
feedback on what they want and don't want, en-
courage me to do the same, and do all this not only
with body language but also by verbalizing.

When I feel OK about saying what I want, and if he

can go along with these things, I don't have to worry
about orgasm.

A number of women stated that they need the man

to voice his preferences in order for them to feel free
to voice their own.

I like for men to tell me what feels good to them

and what they like for me to do sexually. It not only
helps me know what to do but it also makes it easier
for me to tell them what I like.
 ABOUT WOMEN 237

This is difficult for men to understand since

sometimes
they know
they're relatively uneasy and unskilled in
communication and assume that women are much
better at it. While this is often true, the problem for
women is should take
that they learned that a man
the lead sexually. For a woman
say what she to
wanted, to make suggestions this was taboo unless—
the man took the lead. Which is precisely what the
women in this survey said.
It is vital that men recognize the tremendous in-
fluence they wield over how much and what their
partners are willing to say. Women want to share
their thoughts and feelings, as well as their bodies,
with men, but they need support and encourage-
ment.

My least favorite thing is men who make it hard for

me to talk to them, in bed or out. I don't think men
realize how hard they can make it to share information
in bed —simply by being unresponsive, or disinterested,
or overtly hostile. And then they wonder why we
can't get into a good place together. Even after all
these years, I still find hard to discuss what I
it's

need and want — emotionally, sexually, and in terms

of the relationship — unless the man listens actively
and is supportive.

This should come as no surprise. All of us need in-

terest and support if we are to say what's important to
us, particularly in areas that are difficult to talk about.
No one wants to talk to someone who looks as if he'd
much rather be somewhere else.
Most of the women were also very clear about
wanting to know more about their partners' feelings.
Because men characteristically do not say what they
feel and sexually or otherwise, women often
think,
feel left out. One
of their most fervent desires is to be
included more often, to hear what's happening with
their men. And this includes the bad feelings as well
as the good ones.

I really like for a man to tell me how he's feeling

(anxious, uncomfortable, distracted, etc.) instead of
"pushing on."
238 MALE SEXUALITY
I appreciate it when he's able to stop the lovemaking
because he's getting tense, and talk or play or get a
sandwich and let me in on what's happening with
him. It makes whatever he's experiencing as a prob-
lem just a part of our sharing, and it gives me per-
mission to do the same.

There is an important message here about what a

man can do when he feels uncomfortable in sex or is
having a problem. Too often a man will try to hide
his feelings or problem, vainly attempting to override
the feelings by pushing on. The woman usually senses
that something is amiss but can't figure out exactly
what it is, a situation hardly conducive to an enjoyable
experience. Or she may misinterpret his reticence to
mean that the man doesn't like her or that she did
something wrong. She wants to know what is happen-
ing for him. Sharing feelings with her will be received
as a gift.
Thisis especially important if you are having prob-
lems. Time and again we have listened to men tell us
that women yelled or berated them for losing an erec-
tion or coming too fast. We
don't want to say such
things never happen because we know they some-
times do. But in those cases where we have been able
to hear the woman's side of it, her anger was triggered
not by the event itself but by the man's reaction to it
— blaming her; refusing to continue the experience; or
withdrawing into a sulky isolation, leaving her feeling
alone and helpless.
So if you are having trouble, don't withdraw. Let her
know what's going on with you, and see what the two
of you want to do next. It sounds almost too simple to
be true, but listen to what the women said.

The only time that men's sexual problems become

real problems is when the man uses it as a
way of
distancing himself from me by withdrawing or berating
himself, refusing to accept my acceptance of the situ-
ation.

I'm annoyed and uncomfortable when a man is ex-

periencing problems with the erection and works at it
so intently that I begin to feel used. It's like the erec-
 ABOUT WOMEN 239

tion is so damn important that nothing else matters. I

would rather not have intercourse if he is apprehen-
sive about losing his erection or coming too quickly.
I really like for him to stop when this occurs and to
tell me how he's feeling, to share the experience with
me rather than making the situation uncomfortable
for both of us.

We close this section on what women want in sex

with three statements that seem to sum up most of the
main points.

We want men, not supermen; lovers, not beasts; and

intelligent, warm companions,
not Hollywood hand-
somes stroking their egos at our expense.

I like a man who feels free to be vulnerable, to give

up his masculine stereotype, who can be gentle and
sensitiveand passive, as well as aggressive. man whoA
allows me to do the same. A
man who can relinquish
control of the lovemaking and allow it to be a
shared experience. A
man who can tolerate imper-
fections in himself, his penis, and me. ... A
man who
appreciates and enjoys women's bodies —
even the not-
so-perfect ones.

Actually, the things I respond most to in men are

qualities which are traditionally considered feminine:
tenderness, gentleness, caring, touching, and sensitivity
to emotions.

We have presented what 416 women said they

wanted in sex. We wonder how the woman or women
you relate to feel about what our sample said. We in-
vite you to find out.

Female Sexual
Anatomy and Response
While no one denies that there are differences be-
tween male and female sexual anatomy and physiology,
most modern sex researchers and therapists have been
240 MALE SEXUALITY

Clitorat hood
Clitoris

Outer lips

Urethra
Inner lips

Vagina!
opening

Anus

Figure 7:
EXTERNAL FEMALE GENITALS
 ABOUT WOMEN 241

more impressed with the similarities than the differ-

ences. Men and women are not as different as was once
thought.
The similarities are evident at the very beginning of
life. During the first six weeks of life, male and
to eight
female fetuses are indistinguishable and follow an
identical course of development. The fetus is basically
female in that it will develop female sex organs unless
something external is added. The something external
is the hormone androgen, which stimulates the develop-

ment of male sex organs.

Male and female sex organs develop from the same
basic structures. To take but one example, a structure
called the genital tubercle becomes the clitoris in girls
and the head of the penis in boys. Both of these organs
are richly supplied with nerve endings sensitive to touch
and both are capable of expansion. In this sense, it is
proper to think of the penis and clitoris as counter-
parts. The similarities between males and females go
beyond just these two organs. Almost every part of the
male sexual anatomy has a counterpart in an organ or
tissue in women which has similar origins and func-
tions.
Despite our common beginning, however, our geni-
tals end up looking quite dissimilar. The external geni-
tals of a woman are illustrated in Figure 7, Of course,
all women do not look the same. Just as men's genitals
differ in placement, size, color, and other characteris-
tics,so do women's. But the figure will serve well
enough for our purposes.
Let's start at the top with the clitoris, a unique or-
gan. Its uniqueness lies in the fact that it has no func-
tion other than providing pleasure. Men have nothing
quite like it, since their penises are also organs of
elimination. The fact that the penis is larger than the
does not mean much. The smaller organ has
clitoris
about as many nerve endings, so it is very sensitive to
stimulation.
The importance of the clitoris was not fully appre-
ciated until the work of Kinsey and Masters and John-
son. Before them, it was commonly believed that the
vagina was the sexual organ in women. Not only should
242 MALE SEXUALITY
they have orgasms with penile thrusting in the vagina
but, should they need some warming up first, that was
done by finger thrusting in the vagina. A number of
factors helped undermine the idea of vaginal suprema-
cy. One was the finding that when women masturbate,
they usually stimulate the area around the clitoris and
rarely insert anything into the vagina. Another impor-
tant factor was that many women who are not orgasmic
in intercourse do have orgasms when they or their part-
ners stimulate the clitoral area.
The clitoris rarely gets direct stimulation during inter-
course. As you can see in Figure 7, it is quite difficult
for a penis to be in the vagina and touching the clitoris
at the same time. To accomplish this in most positions
you would need an L-shaped penis, and you just don't
see many of them anymore. The clitoris does receive
indirect stimulation from penile thrusting in intercourse.
As the penis moves in and out of the vagina, it tugs on
the vaginal lips. Since the lips are attached to the cli-
toral hood, thrusting does affect the clitoris. However,
this stimulation is indirect and insufficient to produce
orgasm in many women.
The can also be stimulated in a more direct
clitoris
fashion by rubbing it against the man's pubic bone. This

can be accomplished in the female superior position if

the woman leans forward far enough. It can also be
—
achieved in other positions for example, the male su-
perior —
if the couple makes a special effort to do so. In

older marriage manuals this practice was called "riding

high," meaning that the man should position his pubic
bone so that it pressed against his lover's clitoral area.
While pubic-bone clitoral stimulation is possible, such
contact often difficult to maintain during intercourse.
is
And, even if maintained, the stimulation it affords is
not always sufficient to allow the woman to have an or-
gasm.
The outer lips of the vaginaare covered with pubic
hair. The inner lips are closer to the vaginal opening
and are usually closed. When the woman spreads her
legs or is aroused, they part, exposing the urethra and
vaginal opening. Both the outer and inner lips are sensi-
 ABOUT WOMEN 243

tive to the touch in many women, although such stim-

ulation in itself unlikely to produce orgasm.
is
Since we have made statements about what is and is
not likely to lead to orgasm in women, we should add
an important qualification. Erogenous zones and or-
gasms are largely the result of conditioning, and while
what we are saying seems true of most women, there
are others who do not conform to these ideas. There
are women who can have orgasms through breast stim-
ulation alone, and there are others who are orgasmic
through stimulation of areas other than the clitoris,
vagina, or breasts. It's important to remember that
there are many individual differences.
While often thought of as a hole, the vagina is actual-
ly a potential rather than a real space. In the unaroused
state its walls are relaxed and touch each other. When
sexually excited, the walls balloon out, forming an ac-
tual space. This space will form itself to fit snugly
around whatever object is inside of it, from the small-
est penis to a baby's head.
While the erotic sensitivity of the vagina differs from
woman to woman, it is true that the outer third of the
vagina (the part closest to the entrance) contains the
most nerve endings and probably the only nerves in it
that are sensitive to touch. The inner two-thirds are, in
many women, quite insensitive to touch and, in fact,
minor surgery has been performed in this area without
the use of anesthetics. However, the inner two-thirds
are sensitive to pressure and stretch in many women,
and the thrusting and distention that occur during inter-
course can be very pleasurable for them.
Fashions change quickly in the sex field, and al-
though it seems not too long ago that women who had
little feeling in their vaginas were being called neurotic
and in need of psychoanalysis, more recently we seem
to be in the grip of what Germaine Greer has called a
"veritable clitoromania." Some radical feminists and sex
authorities talk as if the vagina were of no importance
whatever to the woman, being a source of pleasure only
for the man. We have more than once observed talks on
female sexuality that so overstressed the importance of
244 MALE SEXUALITY
the clitoris (no doubt in reaction to the previous under-
estimation of its role) that women with little feeling
there, or those who achieved orgasms with penile
thrusting in the vagina, asked if something was wrong
with them.
Since the vagina will accommodate itself to any
size penis, some well-meaning people have argued that
women have no preferences regarding penis size and
that there is no size difference among erect penises,
anyway. Yet the fact is that penises do differ in size,
whether hard or soft, and there's no point pretending
otherwise. And while most women don't have strong size
preferences, it would be folly to think that they have no
preferences at all. Of the questionnaire respondents
we talked to, some said they liked long, thin penises,
others favored short, thick ones, and others had still dif-
ferent choices. But they didn't put these preferences on
the questionnaire. Why not? Simply because choices
regarding penis size are just not that important to them.
A
We call such preferences druthers. druther is an ideal,
something you'd like if you could have anything you
wanted. But it's not necessary or even a high priority.
Perhaps you can think of some of your druthers. If
you could have anything you wanted in a woman, you
might like a certain kind of smile, nose, hair, behind,
breasts, or whatever. But since this world is far from
perfect, you easily accept your lover without such qual-
ities. And this is precisely the way the overwhelming
majority of women feel about penis size. Even if they
have a preference (and not all women do), they can
easily live without it. Certainly they are not going to let
it dictate their choice of a man.

That's the good news. Now for the bad. Although

we have never in our personal lives or work encoun-
tered a woman who was so obsessed with penis size
that she let it run her sex life, we are sure that a few
such women must exist somewhere. Just as there are a
few men who absolutely will not have sex with a wom-
an unless her breasts can fill a 38D bra, there are prob-
ably a few women who won't be satisfied with anything
less than a twelve-inch penis. Should it be your mis-
fortune to run into one of these women, the only rea-
 ABOUT WOMEN 245

sonable suggestion we can make is that you get away

as quickly as possible. Being that concerned about a
physical characteristic over which no one can have any
control is not a good sign. Besides, if you don't have
the requisite number of inches there is nothing you can
do about it. Better to spend your time with one of the
millions of women who couldn't care less about such
things.
We want to discuss briefly some of the physiological
changes that occur as a woman goes through a sexual
experience. This discussion parallels the one on men
in Chapter 7. For the reasons mentioned there, we do
not use Masters and Johnson's concept of the sexual
response cycle in this discussion. For women as for
men, there are many different ways of having a sexual
experience.
The main changes that occur for both women and
men are the result of vasocongestion, the accumula-
tion of blood in various parts of the body. Muscular
tension increases and other changes also occur. Or-
gasm reverses the blood flow and releases the tension,
but these phenomena occur even without orgasm,
though more slowly.
A sexual response begins when the woman re-
ceives some kind of sexual stimulation, which can be
—
almost anything touch, smell, fantasy, or sight. An
increased volume of blood is pumped into various parts
of her body, increasing their size and sensitivity to
stimulation. The pelvis is not the only area so affected.
While women's reactions differ considerably, usually the
breasts, lips, and ear lobes are sensitized.
Vaginal lubrication begins soon after blood starts
flowing into the pelvic region. The lubrication is pro-
duced by the vaginal walls in a process similar to sweat-
ing. Lubrication does not mean, as once thought, that
the woman is ready for penetration or close to orgasm.
It only signifies that she is beginning to become aroused.
The amount of lubrication varies from woman to wom-
an and from time to time in the same woman. Some
women lubricate so freely that it seems to flow out of
the vagina while others produce only a sparse amount.
The flow of blood to the sexual tissues causes them
246 MALE SEXUALITY
to enlarge. The breasts, clitoris, and inner and outer
vaginal lips puff up. The vagina starts expanding and
lengthening at the same time. As stimulation con-
tinues, the outer two-thirds of the vagina narrows,
creating what Masters and Johnson call the "orgasmic
platform." Some men and women have taken this
narrowing of the vaginal opening as a sign that the
woman is not aroused; in fact, it signifies the opposite.
The clitoris, as mentioned, expands as more blood
flows into it, in a process quite similar to penile erec-
tion. The clitoris always increases in diameter but only
in some women does it also get longer. As stimulation
continues, the clitoris retracts under its hood. It may
no longer be visible and is often difficult to find. Many
are the times that men have gone in search of it, won-
dering where on earth it went. There's no need to look
for it because you probably won't find it in any case.
Even though not visible, however, the clitoris still re-
sponds to stimulation of the area around it.
Increased muscular tension may be evident in the —
face, hands, thighs, abdomen, or almost any place.
There may also be involuntary contractions or spasms
in the pelvis, buttocks, and elsewhere. Other changes
include increased blood pressure, heart rate, and respi-
ration rate.

As with men, all these changes are reversible. If the

woman is distracted or stops to talk to her partner or
startsdoing something which is less stimulating for her,
her excitement level will drop, accompanied by physi-
cal changes reflecting the lesser degree of arousal. This
is nothing to get concerned about. A
reinstatement of
the conditions and activities that led to the higher level
of arousal will probably have the same effect again.
But let's stay with the woman in a high state of arous-
al and discuss what would happen if, for whatever
reason, she didn't have an orgasm. Women's orgasms
have received so much publicity in recent years that it
is easy to think that not having one would be disas-
trous. In reality, it is no different from what happens to
a man who
doesn't have an orgasm in a sexual encoun-
ter. There may be a feeling of frustration or disap-
 ABOUT WOMEN 247

pointment or there may not. It depends on many fac-

tors, not the least important of which is how the woman
feels about her partner and their sexual relationship.
If she generally can get what she wants and knows that
the man is willing to do what she desires, it's usually no
big thing if she doesn't have an orgasm. On the other
hand, if she feels that the man cares only about his own
satisfaction and isn't willing to do anything for her, the
lack of orgasm can be a serious matter.
This discussion refers only to occasional lack of or-
gasm. If the lack of orgasm is the norm, the woman
may lose interest in sex altogether.
If you and your partner are satisfied with your sexu-
al activities, each knowing you usually get what you
want, there's no reason why every encounter should end
in orgasm. Your sexual experiences can be interrupted
or terminated at any point without undue physical
or emotional damage to either party. The important
thing is that neither of you puts pressure on yourself or
the other to have orgasms, for doing so can create a
situation that is quite difficult to live with, much more so
than an occasional lack of orgasm.
Orgasms in men and women are quite similar, the
main difference being that women do not ejaculate.
In both men and women, orgasm is a reflex that
releases the muscular tension and reverses the flow of
blood to the pelvic area.
It is important to know that women require stimula-
tion not only up to the point of orgasm but through-
out the orgasm as well. In this, they differ from men.
Once men reach the point of inevitability, orgasm will
occur even if stimulation ceases. In a woman, however,
if stimulation is interrupted a second before the onset

of orgasm or in the midst of it, the excitement may de-

cline rapidly, resulting in no orgasm or a truncated
one.
In many women orgasm accompanied by contrac-
is
tions of the pelvic musculature, contractions which you
may feel if your finger or penis is in the vagina. While
Masters and Johnson and other authorities define fe-
male orgasm in terms of these contractions (meaning no
orgasm without the contractions), it seems to us that
248 MALE SEXUALITY
such a definition is unreasonably narrow. Irving Sing-
er, in his book The Goals of Human Sexuality, argues
persuasively that orgasms without contractions are not
only possible but the norm for many women. Some
women with whom we've discussed this issue agree.
Orgasms, like everything else in sex, follow no absolute
pattern. There may be evident pelvic contractions or
there may not. Only your partner knows if she has had
an orgasm.
Traditional thought had it that men's and women's
experience of orgasm differed greatly. Men's orgasms
were more explosive and short-lived while women's,
though less powerful, were more prolonged. It is diffi-
cult to know what to make of this information. When
men and women talk about their orgasms, the most
impressive feature is the tremendous variation among
individuals, and among different orgasms in the
same individual. The only research study we know of in
this area found that neither physicians, psychologists,
nor medical students could correctly differentiate
between written descriptions of male and female or-
gasms.
The next logical issue to examine is multiple or-
gasms. People scoffed when Kinsey reported in 1953
that 14 percent of the women he interviewed said that
they could have two, three, or even more orgasms
during one sexual encounter. It was not so easy to
scoff when Masters and Johnson demonstrated that
women in their laboratory could indeed have more than
one orgasm in a relatively short period of time with
continued stimulation.
Most men do not seem to have this ability. They
experience a period after ejaculation during which no
amount of stimulation will produce either erection or
ejaculation. Whether or not such a refractory period is
necessary is something that cannot be answered at this
time. We believe, and there is some research evidence
to support the idea, that at least some men can learn
to have multiple orgasms similar to women's. Whatever
the merits of this viewpoint, the present situation is
that very few men have multiple orgasms while a
number of women can and do.
 ABOUT WOMEN 249

But even with women the picture is not clear. While

many authorities write and speak as if it had been con-
clusively proved that all women are capable of multiple
orgasms, such proof does not exist. It is simply not
known how widespread the ability to have multiple or-
gasms is.

What is unfortunately clear is that the emphasis on

multiple orgasms, by the media and some experts, has
created a great deal of confusion and feelings of inade-
quacy. Many women feel deficient if they have only
erneorgasm and many men wonder what is wrong with
them if their partners are not multiply orgasmic. Imag-
ine what a woman who rarely or never has orgasms
might think of herself.
A vast confusion has been created between what
may be possible and what should be done. Just because
a woman is capable of having several orgasms is no rea-
son that she must have several. But because of all the
anxiety surrounding sex, whenever an authority an-
nounces that people are capable of something or
other, a lot of us take it to mean that there's something
wrong with us if we can't or aren't doing it.
If your partner likes to have several orgasms, that's
nice, but no nicer and no more proof of anything than if
she has only one or none on a particular occasion.
The only reason for having more than one orgasm is
that it feels good at the time — unless, of course, you or
she is training for the orgasm Olympics. If your partner
desires continued stimulation to have another orgasm,
you are free to decide whether or not you want to par-
ticipate in the process. Try to avoid the compulsion to
participate when you don't want to. Also avoid the no-
tion that all her orgasms should come through inter-
course.
The last orgasm issue we discuss is the means by
which a woman —
orgasmic the old clitoral-vaginal
is
controversy. The old idea, formulated by Freud and his
followers, and still very influential, is that women
should have orgasms by means of a penis thrusting in
their vaginas. This should happen without any simul-
taneous clitoral stimulation (what Lonnie Barbach calls
"Look ma, no hands" orgasms). This notion plays a
250 MALE SEXUALITY
large role in the fantasy model of sex where every wom-
an is capable of orgasm via intercourse. Orgasms de-
rived from hand or mouth stimulation, or from
intercourse plus hand stimulation, are considered by
the adherents of this idea to be immature or infantile.
The truth is that many women do not have "no
hands" orgasms. In a recent work that looks at this is-
sue, The Hite Report, it was reported that only about
30 percent of women consistently achieve vaginal or-
gasms (meaning through intercourse). The women who
are orgasmic through means other than intercourse are
no more neurotic, frigid, or hostile toward men than
women who have vaginal orgasms. Most of them are
perfectly normal and healthy; they just don't have
orgasms by means of a thrusting penis.
This wouldn't be a problem were it not for the fact
that it differs so widely from the model we learned.

My first sexual experiences fit my model of sex: we

did the foreplay thing and, when the woman was
ready, we inserted my penis and fucked away until
both of us had orgasms. This was the way it was sup-
posed to be. Then I got involved with a woman who
liked intercourse but never had orgasms with it. She
wanted me to play with her clitoris before or after in-
tercourse in order for her to come. At first I was
shocked by what I thought was her problem. Then I
thought that I could make her come in intercourse if
we had longer sessions of foreplay, used different po-
sitions, and a number of other techniques. All of which
failed. Thenthought that something was wrong with
I
me. If only I knew
the right things to do, I could get
her to come "the right way." For almost a year I vacil-
lated between thinking that something was wrong with
her and something was wrong with me. Finally, with a
lot of help from her, I started to realize that nothing was
wrong with either of us. The problem lay in my model
of sex, which was far too limited. Not too long ago,
many years after our sexual relationship had ended,
I talked to her about this issue and we had a good
laugh about it. She told me that she finally had man-
aged to have a few orgasms in intercourse but that
they took too much effort and were not worth the
trouble.
 ABOUT WOMEN 251

The main point here is simply that there is nothing

wrong with women who do not have orgasms the "right
way." There is, in fact, no right way. It is our models
that are in need of correction, for they are narrow and
limited, far too restrictive to encompass the variety of
human sexual experience.
The last part of a sexual experience is basically the
same in men and women. It is simply a return to the
unaroused state. The swelling in the genitals and other
areas decreases as blood flows away from them, the
muscles become relaxed, and the organs and tissues re-
turn to their normal positions. This process occurs more
quickly there has been an orgasm than if there has
if

not. Sometimes, if there has been a very high level of

arousal and no orgasm, the return to the unaroused

state can take a considerable amount of time and there
may be some discomfort. Masturbating to orgasm can
bring relief, if it is desired.
Men and women display divergent tendencies imme-
diately after sex. Many men have a tendency either to
go to sleep or to leap into some other activity, whereas
many women like to cuddle, talk, and in other ways
continue the experience of being together. Our specu-
lation is that these differences are rooted in socialization
practices rather than in physiological differences. The
time after sex can be difficult for men to handle since
there is no longer any agenda or format. There is no
task to be done, no goal to be reached, and nothing to
be accomplished. We
men are not trained to deal com-
fortably with such situations. There's just you and this
other person and nothing in particular to do except re-
late.
If you are interested in pursuing this, perhaps the
best thing to do is tell your partner what you're feeling.
Tell her you feel like jumping up and making a sand-
wich, or turning on the TV, or taking a walk, or
—
whatever tell her and don't do it. Resist the urge to
do something and stay with her. Kiss, hug, talk, listen.
It may be uncomfortable if you've never done it before,
but try to stick it out for a few times and see if you

don't start feeling more comfortable. We've worked

with a number of men on this issue and almost all have
252 MALE SEXUALITY
found that they quickly become more comfortable with
this kind of intimacy. They were soon participating for
their own satisfaction, not just to please their partners.

Now that you have read about what women say they
like and how they function, you may be wondering,
"How does this apply to my partner? How should I act
with her?" Many men ask these questions and we have
a simple answer. Namely, that we don't have the fog-
giest notion.
We
can only repeat what we have already said sever-
al times —
there are tremendous individual variations.
What is arousing for one woman may be repugnant to
another.

When I was in high school, the word was that blowing

in a girl's ear and putting your tongue in there was a
good way to get her hot. So, not knowing what else to
do, I always did the ear thing. Some girls obviously
liked it. But others didn't, and one said that it was a
complete turn-off.

What is true about ears and blowing in them is true

for every other part of the body and every other tech-
nique —
some women will like it and some won't.
Take women's breasts, for example. Most men seem
to be turned-on by breasts; by seeing them, touching
them, kissing them. And they assume that women
will be very aroused by such actions. There is no ques-
tion that this assumption is true for many women. But
just how common is women's sensitivity to breast stimu-
lation? Probably not as common as most men think.
Kinsey reported that most women were only moderate-
ly aroused by having their breasts stimulated. Lonnie
Barbach, who has probably worked with more women
on sexual issues than any other therapist, estimates that
about 60 percent of them get a lot of pleasure from
having their breasts touched, while the rest either get
only a small amount of pleasure from it or are relative-
ly indifferent to such caresses.
This presents an interesting problem, one that is
especially evident in new relationships but also present
in many older ones as well. The man, we have been
 ABOUT WOMEN 253

taught, should somehow know what his partner likes.

But how can he manage this if women are different?
Reading allthe books in the world won't help since his
women may have different tastes than those discussed
in the books. Besides, even the books differ. Lots of
experience is often thought to be a panacea, but it
isn't. What worked for the last partner, or even the last
twenty partners, may not be what the present partner
wants. It would be nice to think that the woman will
come to the rescue, clearly letting her partner know
what she wants. It sometimes happens this way, but
rarely. As we saw in our discussion of the question-
naire study, many women are uncomfortable stating
their preferences, particularly in a new relationship.
What, then, is a man to do?
There are several possibilities. You can just do
whatever you want, either not caring about her or fig-
uring that if she wants something different, she'll say
so. However, it should be clear from what we pre-
sented earlier in the chapter that this option is bound
to create problems. Women are less and less willing
to put up with it.
Another alternative, used by many men, is to play
Sherlock Holmes and attempt, using whatever clues
are available, to figure out what would please her. The
problem with this method is that it only works well
when your partner gives frequent, clear, and relatively
consistent clues. Otherwise, you are going to be work-
ing very hard trying to decipher all of her nonverbal
communications. You will make many errors and put a
tremendous amount of pressure on yourself.
Our own bias, one that agrees with what many
women want and that has worked very well with the
men who have used it under our direction, is for open
communication. Since your life will be much easier if
you know what pleases her, ask her or somehow give
her permission to tell you, perhaps by voicing your
own preferences. As we noted earlier, this permission
is very important to many women.

The first time I had sex with Carla I asked, "What

would you like?" Not exactly eloquent or brilliant, but
254 MALE SEXUALITY
it produced some interesting results. She told me what
she wanted and we had a very nice time. A
few days
later she said that since she had orgasms through oral
or manual stimulation but not with intercourse, she
never indicated her needs the first few times she was
with a man. Only after they knew each other better
and were more comfortable sexually would she say
what she wanted. But my simple question had allowed
her to express what she wanted the first time we were
together sexually. She appreciated my interest and I
must say that I was quite proud of myself.

The power of a few words is well illustrated by this

example. Asking, however, should not be confused
with demanding. By asking your partner what she
likes, you are giving her the opportunity to express
herself if she so desires. Be aware that she may not
choose to answer, at least not then. For many women,
being asked what they want by a man is such a new
idea that they need some time to get accustomed to
it. It is also possible that she hasn't given much thought

to her preferences. If you get no response, feel free

to do whatever you want. Do not push her to answer.
If you indicate your interest and willingness to listen,
you are doing all that can reasonably be expected.
The chances are good that she will get around to tell-
ing you when she is ready, or the next time you ask
in a gentle and nondemanding way.
If initiating this type of discussion is very difficult
for you, you might find it easier by making use of an
external prop. This chapter is such a prop. Asking her
to read it, followed by a discussion of the points she
agrees and disagrees with, can be valuable. -
 14
On Not Lasting
Long Enough
Lack of ejaculatory control, usually called premature
ejaculation, is one of the most common sexual com-
plaints among American men. Although the phenome-
non itself has been known for quite some time, it was
not considered a major problem until very recently.
As long as the woman's satisfaction and orgasm were
not considered to be important, there was relatively
little concern with how long a man could last. As
long as he enjoyed himself, what was the problem?
Just thirty years ago, Kinsey reported that 75 percent
of the men he interviewed ejaculated within two min-
utes of beginning intercourse. While he recognized that
this might be "inconvenient and unfortunate" from the
point of view of their partners, he didn't consider
such occurrences to be premature and seemed hard
put to figure out what the problem might be.
Much has changed since Kinsey did his work. Al-
though men are as performance-oriented as ever,
perhaps even more so, the criteria of a good sexual per-
formance have changed. It is no longer sufficient to
"get a lot," although that is still important. The real
test of a good performance these days is the ability to
satisfy one's partner, usually defined as giving her at

255
256 MALE SEXUALITY
least one, but preferably more, good orgasms in inter-
course.
With change in definition of male sexual prow-
this
ess has come
first an interest, then a concern, and
now almost an obsession with lasting longer. As might
be expected, the people who write about sex have
done their share to promote this obsession. In his
How to Get More out of Sex, David Reuben unmer-
cifully lambasts men who ejaculate quickly, implying
that they are immature and accusing them of mastur-
bating in the vagina. He warns that it is the man's job
to keep his penis in his partner's vagina long enough
to provide her with "satisfactory service." The Sensu-
ous Man us that premature ejaculation is a "ma-
tells
jor disaster." It mentions the possibility of satisfying
your partner through oral or manual play after you've
had your orgasm, but then discounts the utility of this
approach because "the two of you can't really get the
most out of your sex life unless you can prolong your
intercourse long enough for her to have an orgasm
(or lots of orgasms)." And Gail Sheehy in her book
Passages several times mentions the importance of the
man withholding ejaculation long enough to bring his
partner "through an ascending chain of orgasms."
Lasting a long time in intercourse seems to be a
very important item. After all, who would want to be a
major disaster? Or cheat their partners of ascending
chains of orgasms?
Many men have been influenced by this type of
thinking and have sought treatment to help them last
longer. They are convinced that sex will be much bet-
ter when they can have intercourse for longer periods
of time. Their partners will become orgasmic or per-
haps multiply orgasmic. And sex will just be better.
Everyone will be happy and sated.
We're sorry to disappoint you, but it may not be
that way at all. In order to explain this statement, we
need to look more closely at what is meant by prema-
ture ejaculation. It is not a monolithic entity and, in
fact, includes men of quite different ejaculatory be-
haviors.
There are men who ejaculate at the slightest provo-
 ON NOT LASTING LONG ENOUGH 257

cation, sometimes even before touching their partners

but more typically shortly after the commencement of
any genital contact. Another group of men come as
soon as their penises enter the vagina or within a
few seconds of vaginal containment. Still other men
can thrust for a few minutes before ejaculating, but
they do not feel any sense of control over when they
come.
The lack of ability consciously to control when ejac-
ulation occurs is what characterizes all the men in the
above categories. Ejaculations sort of sneak up on
them; many report that "all of a sudden, it just hap-
pens." Sometimes they have some warning and realize
they will soon come, but there's nothing they can do
about it. Anything they do to hold off ejaculation only
seems to speed it up.
These men are the ones who benefit most from
learning ejaculatory control. All those we have
worked with enjoyed sex more when they had ac-
quired better voluntary control. Their own orgasms
felt better —fuller or more complete, they said — and
their partners appreciated the greater duration of in-
tercourse, although many of the partners still did not
become orgasmic through intercourse. For the types
of men we have been talking about, then, it often is
advisable to develop control over their ejaculatory pro-
cesses.
However, there are many other men who want to
They believe their partners would enjoy
last longer.
sex more or become orgasmic if only they (the men)
could last longer. Which sounds reasonable and con-
siderate until you realize that many of these men al-
ready have good ejaculatory control. Some of them
are able, when they desire, to have intercourse for
from ten to thirty minutes.

We'll never forget the man who called himself a pre-

mature ejaculator even though fairly regularly he
We
lasted for forty-five minutes of vigorous thrusting.
know he lasted this long because his partner con-
firmed it. Actually, she had never been orgasmic in
intercourse and had no desire to become so. She much
preferred shorter intercourse because she sometimes
258 MALE SEXUALITY
became so sore through almost an hour of thrusting
that she could barely sit down the next day. That had
little influence on the thinking of our client, who was
convinced that she would have orgasms if only he
could last an hour.

It is only natural to assume that a few minutes

longer might do the trick (more enjoyment, orgasms,
multiple orgasms) but this is often an illusion. If you
can already last for ten to fifteen minutes, or even
longer, the chances that your partner will become or-
gasmic or find more contentment if you last longer are
highly improbable.
If your partner is not orgasmic in the length of time
you usually last, it might be a good idea to talk to her
about what she wants. Perhaps she is orgasmic in other
ways and doesn't care about becoming so in inter-
course. Much of the obsession with lasting longer is
due to the exaggerated importance most of us have
given to intercourse. Maybe she would prefer to get
what she wants through some other sexual activity.
Whatever her feelings in this regard, we hope you can
listen to her. Don't be like the man we cited in the ex-
ample who thought he knew how things should be for
his lover. And remember that there is nothing inher-
ently better about long-lasting sex than the shorter
variety. Sex that has to last a certain length of time,
especially long periods of time, can be very boring.
It can also give you a real pain in the crotch.
It is interesting that despite all the interest in pre-
mature ejaculation, there is no agreed-upon defini-
tion of what it is. Some people, like David Reuben,
think a man is premature unless he can thrust for five
to ten minutes. Others, following Masters and John-
son, define prematurity as the inability to satisfy the
woman 50 percent of the time in intercourse. Both of
these definitions have serious drawbacks.
The definition we use is quite simple and does away
with the term premature ejaculation. We are interested
in a man's ability to exercise voluntary control over
his ejaculatory process. This is not to say that anyone
can be in total control of such a bodily function. Rath-
er, a man with good control is one who usually can
 ON NOT LASTING LONG ENOUGH 259

decide approximately when he will ejaculate. He usu-

ally can last a long time when he wants, and he also
can come quickly if he so desires. His control of the
process allows him to do what feels right at the mo-
ment.
Of course, a man without this type of control doesn't
necessarily have a problem. If he and his partner are
content, there is no reason for change. Only if you are
dissatisfied with your lack of control should you fol-
low the procedures in the next two chapters.
Most of the men we've worked with have been con-
sistent in their lack of control. They've experienced
it all their lives and with all partners. But there are

many exceptions. Some have reasonably good control

in some activities, like masturbation or when their
partners stimulate them by hand, but not in others,
usually intercourse. Some other men report having had
good control at some time in their lives but having
since lost the ability to delay ejaculation. Still others
report good control with certain partners but not oth-
ers. A
great many men come very quickly the first
time or times they have sex with a new partner. This
is usually a transitory phenomenon, with control re-
turning after the man is more comfortable with his
new lover.
If your problem is situational —that is, if it occurs
at some times but not others, with some partners but
—
not others you need to consider if your conditions
are being met when you don't have control. The
chances are that they are not, and you'll probably
reap more benefit from working on them than from
doing exercises to develop control. Or perhaps you
can do both.
Just as there is no consensus about a definition for
premature ejaculation, there is no agreement on what
causes it. There has been speculation that men's so-
cialization predisposes them to speedy ejaculations. It
is true that men are taught to put a lot of value on
speed. And many of our early sexual experiences,
whether masturbating in the bathroom or having sex
in the backseat of a car, carried the risk of discovery,
so the quicker we got them over with the less the
260 MALE SEXUALITY
chance of being found out. While this type of thinking
seems plausible, it doesn't explain why, given similar
early experiences, some of us lack ejaculatory control
while others have enough to spare.
Some in the psychoanalytic tradition have argued
that coming quickly is a neurotic process, a manifesta-
tion of conflicts regarding women. They believe that
such conflicts must be worked out before the man
can learn to delay his ejaculations. However, since
treatment based on this idea has not been notably
successful, while more direct behavioral approaches
have been, serious doubt is cast on the credibility of
the whole argument. This, of course, does not rule
out the possibility that some cases of premature ejacu-
lation may be caused or maintained by internal or
interpersonal conflicts. But even in such cases, the sug-
gestions in the next two chapters, combined with the
are usually all that is needed to
fulfilling of conditions,
resolve the difficulty.
Despite the fact that our understanding of what
causes lack of ejaculatory control is inadequate, solu-
tions to the problem do exist. The most widely em-
ployed remedies, however, are the ones with the least
value. Every man who has come sooner than he wanted
has tried to control his ejaculations, usually by gritting
his teeth and will in an effort to hold them back. This
method rarely works since it only creates tension,
which in itself can trigger quick ejaculations.
Another popular method, still advocated by some
authorities, attempts to decrease excitement by telling
the man to "think of other things" while he is having
sex. While this approach sometimes works, the price
is tremendous since the man is asked not to experience

his good feelings. What is the point of lasting longer

or having sex at all if you are not allowed to enjoy it?
We have the same objection to the use of numbing
ointments. These preparations, which can be pur-
chased at most drugstores, partially anesthetize the
penis. A numb penis, the theory goes, should last
longer than one that feels more. These ointments some-
times work but often they do not. If you are consider-
 ON NOT LASTING LONG ENOUGH 261

ing using one of them, you might want to consider the

costs. Not only do you sacrifice some enjoyment but,
since you don't learn anything about controlling ejacu-
lations, you become forever dependent upon the oint-
ment.
Our thinking is that lasting longer should not in-
volve the numbing of feeling. Rather, it should allow
you to feel more, to enjoy and luxuriate in high levels
of sexual excitement and sensation for as long as you
like.
There are several methods that allow you to do
just that.Two of them depend on the ability to con-
trol the muscles in the pelvis, the muscles developed
by the Kegel exercise in Chapter 7. One technique
requires that you relax these muscles when you feel
close to orgasm, thus delaying ejaculation. The other
technique is just the reverse, tightening the same mus-
cles as you near ejaculation. They both work, but ex-
perimentation is necessary to determine exactly when
to tense or relax the muscles. We will not say any
more about these procedures but you might want to
explore them on your own. You should first, however,
practice the Kegel exercise until you are in good touch
with the pelvic muscles.
Both of these methods, as well as the others that
have been successful in developing ejaculatory control,
—
have one point in common training the man to pay
attention to his feelings of sexual excitement. Unlike
the think-of-something-else notion, the effective meth-
ods ask that you pay more attention to the good feel-
ings. By attending to these feelings, you know when
you are approaching ejaculation and can take some
simple steps to delay it.
While we do not understand why some men have
acquired good control with no conscious effort or train-
ing, it seems to be true that all, or at least most, men
who have control make adjustments in their behavior
when they feel close to orgasm. One of us, trying to
determine how men controlled their ejaculations, ob-
served that he always changed his manner of thrusting
when he felt close to orgasm but didn't want it to
 262 MALE SEXUALITY
happen yet. He then asked a number of other men
with good control to observe their behavior to see
if they made any adjustments to help them last longer.

All of them, including several who before observing

themselves adamantly denied making any adjustments,
discovered that they did indeed make changes in their
behavior. The type of changes made varied consid-
erably: squeezing or relaxing the pelvic muscles, slow-
ing the tempo, changing the depth of thrusting, or
changing the type of thrusting (e.g., from in and out
to circular motions).
The procedures in the next two chapters are de-
signed to enable you to do what these men do. They
somehow acquired their skills without any special
training but, at the end of your training program, your
skills willbe the same as theirs.
Without realizing it, you have already successfully
negotiated a very similar training process: when you
learned to control your urinary function. When you
were very small, you had no control over urination;
it just happened when your bladder reached a certain

degree of fullness. But then your parents let you know

that this was not satisfactory and that you had to take
charge of the situation. You gradually learned to rec-
ognize the sensations in your body announcing that
you were about to urinate, and you could signal that
you had to go to the bathroom. At this point your
training was incomplete. You could tell if something
was about to happen but you couldn't delay its occur-
rence.
As time went on, you completed your training. You
not only knew when urination was imminent but you
could also exert some control over when it hap-
pened. You might realize that you had to urinate, but
if you were in the middle of an interesting game you
could squeeze some muscles and wiggle around enough
to hold it back, at least for a while.
All this is many years behind you, of course, and you
probably have no memory of the experiences. The pro-
cesses of control have been under automatic pilot for
years and you may not be aware that you are doing
 ON NOT LASTING LONG ENOUGH 263

anything to delay the onset of urination, just as some of

the men we questioned didn't realize that they did any-
thing to delay ejaculation. If you have any doubts about
what we are saying, focus your attention in your crotch
the next time you have to go to the bathroom but are
in a situation that requires you to wait.
What you need to learn to control your ejaculations
is not much different from what you learned then, and
learned very successfully. And this time it will be much
easier. Your body is better coordinated and your mind
is far more developed, two factors that will help con-
siderably.
Our approach in developing ejaculatory control is
based on a simple technique developed in the 1950s by
James Semans. The method consisted in the stimulation
of the client's penis by his partner until he felt the sensa-
tions signaling that ejaculation was near. His partner
stopped stimulation, resuming when the man no longer
felt close to ejaculation. With practice, the man could
enjoy more and more stimulation without ejaculating.
Semans's method is the foundation of almost all of the
successful procedures used by sex therapists today for
developing ejaculatory control.
Masters and Johnson took Semans's stop-start meth-
od and added a squeeze; instead of merely stopping
the stimulation of the penis, the woman squeezes it
where the head and shaft join. We have used both the
stop-start and the squeeze and found that they both
give the same results. Since the squeeze is a bit more
difficult to learn, we no longer use it.
Semans worked only with men who had cooperative
partners, and Masters and Johnson argued that ejacu-
latory control could not be developed without such a
partner. Fortunately, they were wrong. We have de-
vised some methods that do not require a partner's
participation and that have yielded the same impres-
sive results as the partner exercises.
If you want to gain more control over your ejacula-
tory process so that you can enjoy intense sexual plea-
sure without immediately ejaculating, go on to the next
two chapters. The training will of course involve con-
264 MALE SEXUALITY
scious attention and effort at first. As time goes on,
however, you will be less and less aware that you are
monitoring your arousal level and making adjust-
ments in your behavior. You will consciously forget
about making adjustments and be free to enjoy fully
your partner and yourself.
 15
Starting to Develop
Ejaculatory Control

Ejaculatory control can be effectively learned either on

your own or by doing exercises with a partner. We sug-
gest that even if you want to do the partner exercises,
you do at least the first masturbation exercise in this
chapter before starting to work with her. The reason
for this suggestion is that it is easier to learn the rudi-
ments of control without her distracting presence.
Once you have mastered the fundamentals, it will be
easier to work with her.
If you absolutely don't want to do the masturbation
exercises, you should at least read this chapter before
turning to the partner exercises in the next chapter.
Should you encounter problems in doing the partner
exercises, it may be necessary for you to reconsider
your stance regarding the masturbation exercises.

The first step in attaining ejaculatory control is

learning to pay attention to your arousal level in a sex-
ual situation so that you will know when you need to
change your behavior to delay ejaculation.
Figure 8 (page 266), representing a hypothetical
sexual experience, will help facilitate your understand-
ing of arousal levels and the adjustments you need to

265
266

Time »

» Figure 8: Male sexual response with ejaculatory control

make. The flat part of the curve, what Masters and

Johnson refer to as the plateau phase, is usually ex-
perienced as very pleasurable. Men who can last as long
as they like do so by spending as much time as they
want at this level of excitement. Those who do not have
ejaculatory control do not spend much time here. In
fact, their arousal level does not seem to flatten out at
all, going directly from zero to orgasm, as illustrated in

Figure 9 (page 267). What is needed is a way of stay-

ing at the plateau level for longer periods of time, thus
prolonging the pleasure and delaying the ejaculation.
Point I in Figure 8 stands for inevitability, shorthand
for Masters and Johnson's sense of ejaculatory inevita-
bility. This is the place, a few seconds before the ejac-
ulate appears, where the man senses that ejaculation
is about to occur and that there's nothing he can do
about it. It will happen even if all stimulation ceases.
The reason for this is, as we said in Chapter 7, that the
internal sex organs have already begun contracting,
starting the ejaculate on its way through the penis.
Before the point of inevitability there is an area (the
shaded portion of the curve in Figure 8) where, if
stimulation ceases, ejaculation will not occur. This
means that you can enjoy high levels of arousal and,
 EJACULATORY CONTROL 267

Ejaculation

Time •

Figure 9: Male sexual response with ejaculatory control

providing you stop stimulation somewhere in this area,

not ejaculate. There is no precise way of demarcating
the point at which you should stop. Any time you are
feeling very excited but not yet at inevitability is ac-
ceptable. With practice you will learn where you need
to stop.
You will be asked to masturbate to a high level of
excitement, stopping when you feel close to ejacula-
tion, to learn more about where you should stop. You
will undoubtedly make some "mistakes" —
stopping too
late to prevent ejaculation —
on your way to discovering
the boundaries of the stopping area.

Stopping stimulation, meaning complete cessation of

stimulating the genitals, is simply a training procedure
and will not always be necessary. After establishing
good control using the stop-start method, you can learn
to make more subtle adjustments that will allow you
to control your ejaculations without stopping.
The following guidelines apply to all the exercises in
this chapter:
1.Except where noted, each exercise requires fif-
teen minutes.We use fifteen minutes because it has
produced good results, not because we think this is an
 268 MALE SEXUALITY
ideal or normal time for sex to last. Going longer than
fifteen minutes won't do any harm but it probably won't
be of much help, either. Some of the men we worked
with have proudly announced that they had reached the
point where they could masturbate without ejaculating
for periods ranging from thirty minutes to over an hour.
While this is a great attention-getter, it serves no useful
function. On the other hand, you should make sure you
are not consistently going for much less than the sug-
gested time. The fifteen minutes refers only to the time
you are masturbating and making adjustments. Any-
thing else you do —
fantasizing before beginning to mas-
turbate, massaging other parts of your body, and so on
— is not included.

2. If you want to ejaculate after you have done an

exercise, you may, but it is best if you go slowly, focus-
ing in your penis and being aware of the point of in-
evitability as you reach it and pass through it. Done
this way, ejaculating after an exercise will be an inte-
gral part of your learning better ejaculatory control.
3. Since you want to develop new patterns of func-
tioning, it is important to be consistent in your mastur-
batory practices. Once you start with the exercises, it is
best not to alternate with your old ways of masturbat-
ing, for this would only impede your progress.
4. The exercises should be done at least three or
four times a week. In general, the more frequently you
do them, the sooner you will reach your goals.
5. At times you may find that you have difficulty
getting an erection, either before starting an exercise or
after stopping to allow your arousal level to decrease.
This isnot a cause for concern. If playing with your
penis, accompanied by fantasy if you like, does not re-
sult in an erection in a few minutes, do not try to force
it. Come back to the exercise later when you are in a

sexier mood.
6. Do the exercises in the order in which they are
presented. Two criteria should be satisfied before mov-
ing from one exercise to the next. First, you should
be able to last the fifteen minutes with no more than
two or three stops. Second, you should feel reasonably
comfortable doing the exercise, confident that you can
 EJACULATORY CONTROL 269

delay ejaculation. If the next exercise gives you a lot of

trouble and the situation does not improve after sev-
eral attempts, go back to the previous one until you
are more comfortable with it. We hope you won't be
discouraged if you need to return to an exercise you've
already done. It probably means only that you tried
to move too quickly through the exercises, a mistake
many men make. Remember that you're trying to learn
to take your time. See if you can take your time doing
this. The process should be a relaxed and comfortable
one, without any pressure or hurry.

The last thing tobe dealt with before getting to the

exercises is whatdo about sex with a partner. Since
to
you are learning new habits, it is best if what you do
with a partner does not undermine your learning, some-
thing which can happen if your sex with her is done in
the old, fast way. There are several options. The first is
simply not to have sex with anyone until you have
completed all the exercises. Obviously, this is not an
acceptable way for many men, but does fit for some
who have no regular partners.
The other two alternatives consist of different ways
of applying your learning to sex with a partner. One
way is to have as much sex as you want with her, but
not intercourse until you feel you have good control
with manual and/or oral stimulation. The reason for
excluding intercourse at the beginning is that for most
men intercourse is the most difficult activity in which to
maintain ejaculatory control. Read the section called
Ejaculatory Control without Partner Exercises in the
next chapter and follow the suggestions given there.
We have found that the method of not having inter-
course until you have good control works best, but
we know there are men who are unwilling to accept
such a limitation on their activities. If you feel
you must have intercourse, do so but be sure to follow
the guidelines given in the next chapter. You will
probably find that many times you don't have much
control, but as long as you continue with the mastur-
bation exercises and following the guidelines, it should
develop in time.
270 MALE SEXUALITY
Finally, the exercises.
The first exercise is the basic one in this series. You
will use it to determine the point of ejaculatory inevita-
bility, ifyou are not already familiar with it, and the
points at which you must stop stimulation to prevent
ejaculation. As we said earlier, there will probably
be times when you stop too late. You may need to do
this a few times to learn where you need to stop.

EXERCISE 15-1: STOP-START MASTURBATION

Step A: With a dry hand (no lotion or other lubrication)
masturbate for fifteen minutes without ejaculating. Focus in
your penis so you will know how aroused you are. When you
are very excited and feel that you are approaching the point of
inevitability, stop masturbating and do nothing but focus in
your penis. The urge to ejaculate will subside in anywhere
from thirty seconds to two or three minutes. You may also
experience a partial or complete loss of erection; this is com-
mon and nothing to be concerned about. When the desire to
ejaculate has subsided, resume masturbation. Stop time, the
time when you are waiting for your excitement to abate, is in-
cluded in the fifteen minutes.
You will probably have to stop a number of times when yon
first do the exercise. As you continue doing it, you will better
learn when to stop and how long to wait, and the number of
times you need to stop will decrease.
When you feel confident of your control and need only two
or three stops during the fifteen minutes, go on to Step B.
Step B: This is exactly the same as Step A except that yon
now use a lubricant on your hand. You might want to reread
the section on lubricants at the end of Chapter 10.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. You are practicing brinksmanship, stopping only a split
second before reaching Nothing useful is gained
inevitability.
by this practice and it can cause problems. Waiting until the
last second can increase anxiety, resulting in unnecessary ejac-
ulations. You can stop any time you are feeling very good and
excited.
2. You find that you need to stop again as soon as you re-
sume masturbating. This means that you are not allowing
sufficient time for the ejaculatory urge to diminish. Take longer
stops.
3. You don't seem to be making any progress, i.e., you don't
learn when to stop and the number of stops required doesn't
diminish. This may mean that you are too tense while doing
 EJACULATORY CONTROL 271

the exercise. Do what you need to ensure that you are in a

comfortable, reasonably relaxed mood before beginning. You
might benefit from rereading Chapter 9.

You have taken the first steps toward developing

voluntary control over your ejaculatory process and
may be feeling like one man who said at this point,
"By God, now I know can handle the problem; I
I
haven't felt this confident in years." You are ready to
start making more subtle adjustments which will allow
you to maintain ejaculatory control without stopping.
Many men think of sex in terms of a very rapid, in-
and-out thrusting of the penis, whether it is thrusting in
a vagina, hand, mouth, or whatever. It simply has not
occurred to them that other ways are both possible
and enjoyable. As we said before, men with good con-
trol rely on many other ways than just the quick in-
and-out. They have found ways that are pleasurable
but not so exciting as to bring on immediate ejacula-
tion.

One man, almost legendary for his lengthy sexual

encounters, shared his secret with us. Many years ago
he considered himself to be a sexual flop because he
came very quickly when he received any stimulation
from a partner. He had no one from whom to get
help, this being long before the advent of sex ther-
apy, so he decided to experiment with different mas-
turbation techniques. He discovered that by using a
circular motion, employing the base of his penis as a
fulcrum and moving the shaft and head in small cir-
cles, he had complete control of when he ejaculated.
He then transferred his discovery to sex with partners.
In intercourse, for example, instead of moving in and
out of the vagina, he inserted his penis as far as
possible and, moving his hips in a circular motion,
moved it around the vagina. When he wanted to come,
he started thrusting in and out. Both he and his part-
ners were quite satisfied with the results.

We are not suggesting that you try to become a leg-

end in your own time, but we hope you can learn
from this story. There are types of stimulation that
272 MALE SEXUALITY
feel very good without bringing on ejaculation. The
next exercise will give you an opportunity to discover
some of the ways that work for you.

EXERCISE 15-2: MASTURBATING WITH

SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS
Focusing in your penis, masturbate for fifteen minutes with-
out ejaculating and without stopping. When you reach high
levels of excitement, make changes in your masturbatory be-
havior to decrease the arousal. Changes you can make include:
slowing down the pace; changing the amount of pressure you
are applying; varying the site of maximum stimulation, for
example, by stimulating only the shaft of your penis rather
than the head; changing the type of stroke, for example, using
shorter strokes or circular motions. You might also want to try
relaxing or tensing your pelvic muscles, as suggested in the
last chapter. Needless to say, try one change at a time. Find
out what works best for you, then stay with it and master it
The more subtle types of adjustment need to be made a bit
sooner than stopping. If you make them too late, you can
always stop to prevent ejaculation. When you feel you are no
longer close to ejaculation, you can resume the more arousing
type of stimulation if you want.

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
Progress is more difficult now than with the stopping exer-
cises. This is to be expected. Finding the changes that work
best takes some time, as does determining just when to make
the changes. Do not be afraid to make them very early;
there's no rule that says you have to start sex with wild in-
and-out thrusting.

Many men find that their new ways of moving are

quite enjoyable and come to prefer them over their old
ways. Going slower, making shorter thrusts, moving in
circular ways, or squeezing the pelvic muscles just be-
come part of the way they like to have sex. When this
happens, lasting as long as they like is no longer an
issue.
For many men, what has been presented so far will
be develop a high degree of ejaculatory
sufficient to
control, and they will want to move on to partner sex.
They should first, however, do the last exercise in this
series, 15-5, which need be done only once. Other
 —
EJACULATORY CONTROL 273

men, however, will not yet feel ready to move on and,

for them, we suggest two fantasy exercises.
We have found that fantasy is an excellent means of
making the transition from masturbation exercises to
partner sex. Our use of fantasy might best be called
role-rehearsal. Fantasizing a behavior under controlled
conditions prepares you to carry out that behavior in
your life and also reduces some of the anxiety you may
feel about it. You will be asked to fantasize sexual situ-
ations while masturbating with the stop-start method,
and later, while employing the more subtle means of
delaying ejaculation. You will be in a much better
position to have ejaculatory control with a partner after
doing these exercises.
Some people find it easier to have clear fantasies
or images than others. Most of us have some difficulty,
at least initially, seeing distinct pictures in our minds.
In general, the more you practice, the more vivid and
lifelike the images get. Even if this does not occur
and we know that some men never develop clear
—
images the fantasy exercises can still work. Having
fantasies that are less than clear, or having thoughts
or feelings rather than pictures, will do as well.
What is most important, whether you have thoughts,
feelings, or images, is that you be able really to imagine
the scene or idea you are dealing with. You can help
yourself get more fully into the fantasy by noticing
details. If the scene you are working on is of your
partner stimulating your penis with her hand, for exam-
ple, ask yourself how firmly she is holding the penis. Is
she using long or short strokes? What about the tex-
ture and temperature of her hand? What's going on
in your penis as she touches it? When you fantasize
intercourse, be aware of how your bodies fit together,
the temperature, texture, and wetness of the vagina,
and so forth. Any details that will help you feel more
like you are really there will be useful.

EXERCISE 15-3:STOP-START MASTURBATION

WITH FANTASY
Step A: Using the stop-start method, masturbate for fifteen
minutes while fantasizing having sex with a partner. Start the
274 MALE SEXUALITY
fantasy with the first touch or kiss and go through all the steps
that might occur in this imagined sexual event, or at least as
many of them as you can comfortably get through in fifteen
minutes. You probably won't get through an entire sexual
event in one session. That's fine. Next time you do the exercise,
start the fantasy where you left off the last time.
As part of the fantasy, see yourself needing to stop with
your partner and doing so. When you stop in the fantasy, stop
your masturbating. When the urge to ejaculate has subsided,
resume the fantasy and the masturbation. Be sure to include
some scenes of needing to stop during intercourse. Needing to
stop can be dictated by two criteria: when you actually feel
you need to stop to prevent ejaculation and at places in the
fantasy where you feel you might need to stop in reality* Use
both; just be sure to stop masturbating at the same time you
stop in the fantasy.
Many men have trouble maintaining control with some of
the fantasy scenes. The two places where they have the most
trouble are when imagining entering the vagina and when
thrusting becomes hard and fast. Since what gives you trouble
in fantasy will tend to do the same in reality, you want to
work with the scenes that are difficult. When you run into a
difficult scene that does not get easier after several attempts,
go to Step B.
Step B: Instead of masturbating to a fantasy of a whole
sexual encounter, fantasize only the scene that gives you
trouble. Make sure you are relaxed before beginning. Mastur-
bate slowly, get into the fantasy as fully as possible while at
the same time remaining aware of your level of excitement,
and stop before you need to, both in the fantasy and in your
masturbating. Go through the scene again and again until fif-
teen minutes are up. If at any time during the exercise you feel
tense, discontinue it and do something to get more comfortable,
then resume the exercise.
As you get more comfortable with this scene, you can shift
to stopping when, rather than before, you need to. When you
are comfortable and in control while fantasizing the difficult
scene, return to Step Aand incorporate this scene into the
larger fantasy.
If you have trouble with more than one scene, work through
all of them, one at a time, in the manner suggested above.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. You have difficultystaying with the fantasy, perhaps be-
cause of drifting into other thoughts and fantasies. When
this happens, simply come back to the scene you were imag-
ining. You will need to do this a number of times every ses-
sion.
2. You don't stop in time to delay ejaculation because you
 EJACULATORY CONTROL 275
forget about your excitement level. It is, of course, essential
that you remain aware of how aroused you are so that you
can stop in time. This is difficult for some people, since it
means you have to focus on both the fantasy and your arousal.
You can try keeping most of your attention on how excited
you are, even if this means less distinct images. A
better way
is to record the fantasy and play it while you masturbate. Since
you won't have to put any effort into developing the fantasy,
you can listen while putting your attention on your level of
arousal.
3. You rush through the fantasy in an effort to complete it in
one session. This exercise was not intended to be mastered in
one session. The important thing is that it be carried out as
suggested and without hurry. You need to get through all the
possible scenes that might occur in a real sexual event, but
there is no need to do so in one masturbation session. Speed
is not only unimportant, but it can impede your progress.

When you have mastered that exercise, go on to the

next one, which is quite similar.

EXERCISE 15-4: MASTURBATING WITH

SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS AND FANTASY
This exercise is identical to 15-3, with the exception that
you now use the more subtle changes you discovered in
Exercise 15-2 rather than stopping. Follow all other directions
for 15-3. As you make adjustments in your masturbation, imag-
ine yourself making them in the fantasy. Should any scenes
cause you discomfort or make you feel mat you are losing
control, work through them using the suggestions in Step
B of 15-3.

You should by now feel even more confident of

your over when you ejaculate.
ability to exercise control
The next exercise sounds silly but is important, and
you can have lots of fun with it. Whatever happens, it
can be a good learning experience. It requires a mini-
mum of time and need only be done once or twice.

EXERCISE 15—5*
QUICKIE MASTURBATION WITH FOCUS
Focusing in your penis, masturbate and ejaculate as quickly
as possible. Try to come even faster than you did before
276 MALE SEXUALITY
starting your training program. Keep focusing until yon
ejaculate.
If you do come fast, you can learn something about what
makes for quick ejaculations. If you find it difficult to do, you
will realize how far you've progressed. In either case, you win.
And that is the point of the exercise, and of sex.

You might have found the exercise difficult to do

because you were afraid that it might undo all that
you have learned. Fear not, it will only broaden your
horizons. You can control your ejaculations so that you
can last a long time. See if you can also control them so
that you can last a short time. You now have options;
use them.
To use a bad pun, you've come a long way, and are
ready to use your newly acquired control with a part-
ner.
 16
Lasting Longer
with a Partner
In this chapter we present two basic approaches for
developing ejaculatory control with a partner. The first
thing you should decide is which best fits your situ-
ation and desires. Whichever you choose, it will help
if you have read and understood Chapter 12, Deal-

ing with a Partner, and have done at least some of the

masturbation exercises in the last chapter.
One approach requires a partner who is willing to
work with you on a series of exercises, 16-1 through
16-6. The general outline was developed by Semans,
elaborated by Masters and Johnson and others, and
has been widely employed. Its main drawback is the
necessity of a cooperative partner with whom to do
the exercises.
The second approach is not dependent on a coop-
erative partner and involve no exercises with a partner.
It requires complete mastery of the masturbation ex-
ercises in the last chapter and the willingness to follow
a set of guidelines when having sex with a lover. This
approach, though not as well known as the partner ex-
ercise method, has yielded approximately the same re-
sults. It is presented first in this chapter so that those
with partners can get a feel for it before making a deci-
sion about whether to do the partner exercises.

277
278 MALE SEXUALITY

Ejaculatory Control
without Partner Exercises
It is crucial that you have mastered the exercises in
Chapter 15. You should be able to masturbate for
fifteen minutes without ejaculating and without stop-
ping. The more subtle adjustments should be sufficient
for you to control your ejaculations. You should keep
masturbating with subtle adjustments even after you
no longer have trouble lasting as long as you want.
When you start going out with someone with whom
you might want tohave sex, incorporate her into your
masturbation fantasies.
It is also essential that you have done, and feel
comfortable with, the assertiveness exercises in Chap-
ters 6 and 12. The masturbation exercises and other
training procedures will do you no good at all unless
you are willing and able to get what you need in a
sexual situation. The guidelines below assume that you
already have some skill and confidence in asserting
yourself. It won't always be easy, but if you have done
all the preparatory work, you are ready to use your
ejaculatory control with a lover.
Most of the principles you need to follow with a
partner have already been given in the section on sex
with a new partner in Chapter 12. They should be
adhered to without exception. The suggestions below
supplement that list.
1. Don't engage in intercourse until all your con-
ditions are met and you are comfortable with her.
This means that your first few experiences should not
include intercourse. Let her play with your penis and
make adjustments to allow you to delay ejaculation a
reasonable length of time. This is a good way of check-
ing your control with her. If you have trouble lasting
with hand or mouth stimulation, you'll probably have
more trouble with intercourse. Have intercourse only
after you've established good control in other activi-
ties.

2. Stay focused in your penis during all sexual ac-

 LASTING LONGER WITH A PARTNER 279

tivities with her and make adjustments early. It is im-

portant that you be able to indicate that you want to
stop, should a stop be advisable.
3. Check your arousal level before vaginal inser-
tion. If it is high, make some adjustments before en-
tering her (e.g., stopping for a minute or so; squeezing
your pelvic muscles). Don't start moving immediately
after you have entered. Rest for a minute or so and
be aware of your arousal level.
4. Go slowly in all your sexual activities, especially
in intercourse. Take your time and experience all the
sensations, making adjustments when necessary.
5. Don't expect things to work perfectly in the
beginning. They won't. If you run into a problem that
doesn't improve after a few experiences, you need
not panic. You have the skills to work it out. Figure
out as precisely as possible what the difficulty is: for
example, "I have good control except when she starts
moving wildly in intercourse." Then find an appropri-
ate exercise to help you deal with it. In the example
given, you could use a masturbation exercise, mastur-
bating to a fantasy of her moving wildly in intercourse,
going over the scene again and again while making
adjustments to retain control. When you have mastered
that, you can have intercourse with her again and
now be more confident of your ability to control your
ejaculations. If this isn't sufficient, you could ask her
to move more slowly, at a pace at which you have
good control. Then have her gradually increase the
tempo. If you do this a few times, you will extend
your control to cover the movements that at first gave
you problems.
Remember that you can always ask her to slow
down or stop if you feel you are losing control.
6. There will be times when you come fast, either
because you lost control or because you wanted to.
Don't apologize in either case. Enjoy yourself and do
something for your partner if she so desires.

These principles should be carried out to the letter

when you are starting to have sex with a new partner
or trying to change sexual patterns with a familiar
280 MALE SEXUALITY
lover. These are the most anxious and trying times,
so go slowly and follow the rules. As you become
more comfortable with exercising your ejaculatory con-
trol with her, you will become less conscious of follow-
ing the principles and they will become automatic.
That's really all there is to it. The program is simple
but quite effective. Should it not work well for you,
you should consider whether you have truly mastered
the masturbation exercises and are following the guide-
lines. If you need to return to the exercises to learn
the fundamentals better, do so. The same is true for
the principles. They have to be followed. Do what is
necessary to put them into effect. Should there still be
difficulties, you have the option of doing the partner
exercises.

Partner Exercises
for Lasting Longer
Before undertaking the program, discuss it with your
lover. She should read Chapter 13 and the exercises
in this chapter so she will understand what is being
asked of her. Discuss your feelings and her feelings
about the project and work out any differences before
starting.
Everything depends upon clear communication and
understanding and, since you don't have a therapist
to help you, you need to expend some effort to ensure
that the two of you agree on what is going to happen.
Your partner should understand that the exercises con-
stitute a training program and will not be needed
forever. Since how long they are needed is largely a
function of how often they are done, you should reach
an agreement about frequency. She should also under-
stand that the exercises need to be executed exactly
as described and that you are in total control when
the exercises are being done —of the type of stimula-
tion, of when to stop and when to resume. You should
 LASTING LONGER WITH A PARTNER 281

be very clear about your willingness to satisfy her

manually or orally before or after doing an exercise.
Problems often arise because the woman feels she is
doing all the work and getting nothing in return. Do
everything possible to prevent this from becoming an
issue. There will probably be misunderstandings and
differences of opinion over this and other matters.
They need to be talked out and resolved as quickly
as possible.
It isvery important that you don't restrict the physi-
your partner to these exercises. Al-
cal activities with
low time and space for holding, hugging, kissing, taking
baths together, and any other mutually enjoyable ex-
pressions of physical affection.
Since the stop-start method is the one used in the
exercises, your partner should clearly understand that
she must stop immediately when you tell her to. You
need to work out how you are going to let her know
when to stop. Most men simply say "stop" or "now,"
but any language is fine as long as you both know
what is meant. The language must be spoken; non-
verbal messages do not work well in these exercises.

The following guidelines apply to all the exercises

in this chapter unless otherwise indicated:

1. Both of you should read, discuss, and understand

each exercise before you do it.
2. Do whatever is necessary to feel relaxed and
comfortable before beginning an exercise.
3. Start a session with some hugging, holding, or a
massage. Then go to the exercise.
4. During the exercise, keep focused on your
aroused level rather than on your lover.
5. The goal in each exercise is to last for fifteen
minutes, including stops, without ejaculating.
You can come after fifteen minutes if you wish,
but go slowly, be aware of your arousal level
and the point of inevitability, and enjoy yourself.
6. You should feel confident that you will be able
282 MALE SEXUALITY
to delay ejaculation by stopping, and need no
more than two or three stops during a fifteen-
minute period, before going on to the next exer-
cise. If you have a lot of difficulty with the next
exercise, and it doesn't get easier after a few
experiences, return to the one before it and prac-
tice it until you have further developed your
skills.
7. The more frequently you do the exercises, the
better. Three times a week is the minimum.

EXERCISE 16-1:
PARTNER STIMULATION OF PENIS
Step A: Lie on your back and have your partner take a
position sufficiently comfortable for her to last for fifteen min-
utes. You might want to try the position recommended by
Masters and Johnson, illustrated in Figure 10 (page 283), but
any position is acceptable as long as you both are comfortable.
Your partner is to stimulate your penis with her unlubricated
hand in ways that are most arousing to you; feel free to give
her instructions on how to touch you. Keep focused in your
penis and tell her when to stop. Allow sufficient time for the
urge to ejaculate to diminish before asking her to resume
stimulation. If you find that you need to stop again as soon as
stimulation is resumed, try taking longer stops.
When you can last for fifteen minutes with no more than
two or three stops and feel confident of your control, do Step
B.
Step B: This is exactly the same as Step A except that
your partner now uses lotion, oil, or some other lubricant on
her hand.

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
You aren't stopping in time because you're attending to your
partner rather than your level of excitement. You may find
yourself wondering if she is enjoying herself, if her hand is
getting tired, if she is bored. There is nothing wrong with
considering these questions as long as you swing your attention
back to your penis as soon as you become aware that your
mind has wandered. You might also want to talk to your lover
about your concerns. Maybe she is bored some of the time. Can
it be OK
with you that she is willing to do the exercises even
though it's not exciting for her? However you work it out, the
important thing is that you have the space to put your atten-
tion where it needs to be, on your arousal level.
 LASTING LONGER WITH A PARTNER 283

Figure 10: Position for partner stimulation of penis

Adapted from Human Sexual Inadequacy,
by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, 1966.

Now that you feel comfortable delaying ejaculation

by stopping with your partner, you're ready to use
more subtle changes. The use of changes other than
stopping is a departure from the approaches of Semans
and Masters and Johnson who use, respectively, only
the stop-start and squeeze methods. We have found
that the employment of more subtle changes facilitates
the development of ejaculatory control and is also
more easily accepted by both the man and the wom-
an. Hence, the following exercise.

EXERCISE 16-2: PARTNER STIMULATION

OF PENIS WITH SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS
Assume the same positions you used for the previous exer-
cise and have your lover stimulate your penis in ways you like.
Your goal is to last fifteen minutes without ejaculating and
without stopping, by employing any changes you like in your
and her behavior. Since types of changes to delay ejaculation
other than stopping have been discussed several times, we
assume you are familiar with them. Experiment and find out
what works best with your partner. You will make some mis-
takes at first, but you may still be able to delay ejaculation by
stopping. In time, you will learn how and when to use the
other kinds of adjustments.
284 MALE SEXUALITY
The few times you do the exercise, your partner should
first
not use lubrication on her hand* When you have good control,
she can start using a lubricant
Should there be difficult problems with this exercise that do
not resolve themselves after a few sessions, consider spending
some time mastering the subtle adjustments by yourself, fol-
lowing Exercise 15-2.

If you and your partner both like oral sex, you

might want to repeat the above two exercises with her
using her mouth rather than her hand. If she has any
qualms whatever about doing this, don't try it; it will
only lead to problems and get in the way of reaching
your goals.

EXERCISE 16-3: PENIS IN VAGINA

WITH NO MOVEMENT
Lie on your back and have your lover sit on your legs. She is
to play with your penis until you have an erection* Then let her
rub your penis gently around the outside of her vagina and in
her pubic hair. Be aware of your arousal level and make any
necessary adjustments. Take as long as you need to get accus-
tomed to the idea of having your penis around her vagina*
When you are feeling comfortable with mis, and confident that
you are in control of —
your ejaculatory process, then and only
then—should she slowly insert your penis. The two of you
will then be in the position illustrated in Figure 11 (page 285).
It is crucial, however, that there be no insertion until you are
comfortable and in control. If it takes you more than one ses-
sion to feel that way, that's fine.
Once your penis is safely ensconced in her, she is just to sit
and you are just to focus. She should not make any move-
ments except as we now explain. Without any stimulation,
your erection may tend to go down. If this starts to happen,
ask her either to contract her pelvic muscles a few times or to
move slightly, just enough to keep your erection firm.
That's all you need to do for fifteen minutes. Focus in your
penis and see how it feels to be surrounded by her vagina* You
might become aware of the texture, temperature, and lubricity
of the vagina. Be aware and get used to being there; it can
be a very friendly place.
Should you feel that you are losing control, you can either
ask her to get off or you can try relaxing or tensing your pel-
vic muscles.
 LASTING LONGER WITH A PARTNER 285

Figure 11: Female in superior position

Adapted from Human Sexual Inadequacy,
by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, 1966.

If you want to ejaculate after time is up, do so (we assume

you have talked to your partner about this), but go slowly and
be aware of the point of inevitability.

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
The first time or two you do the exercise, you get very
excited and ejaculate. This is not a problem unless it continues
to occur. If it does, you have several options. One is to go back
to her stimulating you with her lubricated hand and get more
comfortable with that. Another is to do a masturbation exer-
cise accompanied by a fantasy of being inside her; follow the
suggestions for Exercise 15-3, Step B. Still another possibility
is to spend several sessions without fully entering her. Rub your
penis around the outside of her vagina until that is comfortable,
then put it in only a little way. Gradually increase the depth
of penetration as you feel more confident and comfortable.

EXERCISE 16-4: PENIS IN VAGINA

WITH MOVEMENT
Step A: This is similar to the previous exercise, except that
your partner should thrust slowly, at your instructions as to
how much and how fast. Use the subtle adjustments or stops
to enable you to go for fifteen minutes without ejaculating. It
is important that your partner not start thrusting to satisfy

herself. That will come later. For now, you are in control of
what kind and how much movement there is. Get comfortable
with the pace before increasing it.
286 MALE SEXUALITY
Step B: Both of you move slowly.
Step C: Gradually increase the pace, employing the subtle
adjustments whenever you like, using stops as a last resort to
prevent ejaculation. Continue in this fashion until you are both
moving as much as you want. Keep in mind that it all doesn't
have to happen in one session*

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
You lose control when the movement gets faster. This prob-
ably means that you are speeding up too suddenly. It is impor-
tant that you be comfortable and feel in control with one tempo
before increasing it. Take your time.

Since you don't want to spend the rest of your life

having sex in only one position, it's time to try differ-
ent ones. Again, a caveat —
go slowly. Having good
control in one position does not necessarily ensure
good control in others. Most men find the female su-
perior position, the one you have used in the last two
exercises, the easiest one in which to maintain ejacu-
latory control. Side-by-side positions are next best for
most men, while the well-known missionary position
—man on — top is the most difficult.

EXERCISE 16-5: USING DIFFERENT

POSITIONS FOR INTERCOURSE
Step A : The best new position to start with is probably the
side-by-side or lateral position. It is a favorite of Masters and
Johnson and many of their clients. Perhaps the best way to
assume the position is to start with your lover on top, with your
penis in her vagina. She then rolls to one side until she is lying
on her side on the bed, while you roll up on one side so that
you are facing her. Your penis may or may not remain inside
of her. If not, you can have a good laugh while figuring out
how to get it back in. Once you get on your sides, you
will have to do some shifting of arms and legs and whatnot
to get comfortable.
Remember that the first times you try a new position there
may be some awkwardness, minor discomfort, and a loss of
control. Take it slow, stay focused on your arousal level,
and make changes early.
If this or any other new position presents difficulties, follow
the suggestions in Exercise 16-4, gradually building up to
abandoned movement.
 LASTING LONGER WITH A PARTNER 287

Step B: Feel free to try any other positions that you like.
Since good control will probably be most difficult to maintain
when you are on top, you may want to experiment with other
positions first

The next exercise is very valuable and can be lots

of fun. You are going to be asked to ejaculate as
quickly as possible in intercourse. This may sound
quite strange to you, given that you've spent so much
time and energy learning how to control your ejacula-
tions. The point is that good control means control in
any direction. You should be able to come fast or
slow. At this stage, coming quickly will increase your
knowledge of what makes for quick ejaculations. It
will also be good preparation for the time when you
come quickly without intending it, and such things
happen to almost all men once in a while. You now
have many new skills for dealing with a partner and
also some new feelings of confidence in yourself.
Use them in this exercise. All is not lost if you come
quickly. It only means that you decided to ejaculate
sooner rather than later. The exercise need be done
only once or twice.

EXERCISE 16-6: AN INTENTIONAL QUICKIE

Try to ejaculate as fast as possible in intercourse, even faster
then you did before starting your training program. If you
succeed in doing this, be aware of a tendency to want to
apologize, but don't act on it. Express your appreciation to
your partner and see if she would like you to do something for
her. You should be pleased that you are now in control of your
ejaculatory process.
If you are unable to come fast, you may decide to forget
the exercise and rest on your laurels, content that you have
achieved your goals. Or you may want to try it again to see
if it isn'tpossible to have a quick ejaculation. After all, you
might want to have a quickie some day, and you can view this
exercise as preparation for that eventuality.

Whether you have done the partner exercises or

followed the principles given at the beginning of the
288 MALE SEXUALITY
chapter, by now you have attained good ejaculatory
control and are enjoying your sexuality in a more
confident, relaxed, and carefree way. You will have
noticed that results come gradually and that it takes
a while for the effects of the training to really sink in
and become automatic. This process will continue for
months. All you need do to facilitate the process is to
stay aware of your arousal level and make adjustments
when needed.
You wantto remember that there is absolutely no
way to avoid losing control some of the time. Whether
because you haven't had sex for a long time, are ex-
tremely excited, are tense or angry, or perhaps because
of some other reason, there will be quick ejaculations
once in a while. As time goes on, they will decrease
in frequency, but they will probably never completely
disappear. This is simply part of normal male func-
tioning. There is nothing you can do about it and
there's no need to get concerned about it.
When you realize that you have not made an ad-
justment in time and are going to ejaculate, don't fight
it. Let it happen and enjoy it. No need for apologies;

you can do something for her later if she wants. And

no need to assume that all your training has been in
vain. It hasn't. Just go a bit more slowly the next
time, stay focused, and make your adjustments earlier
than usual.
We hope you'll keep in mind the discussion in Chap-
ter 9 on the effects of tension. If you get extremely
upset about anything, you may start to lose some of
your ejaculatory control. So be especially aware and
careful in sex during tense times. Anything you can
do to relieve or mitigate the tension will of course be
extremely helpful.
If for any reason you notice yourself slipping back
into your old, quick ways, take some time and figure
out what is causing you to lose control. brief re- A
fresher course with some of the exercises in this and
the previous chapter may be very useful.
Now that you can last a long time, we hope you
won't assume that every sexual encounter must be a
 LASTING LONGER WITH A PARTNER 289

long one. Compulsively lasting a long time is not much

better than compulsively coming quickly. You have
options and we hope you'll use them. Long-lasting sex
can be a wonderful experience, and so can a quickie.
 .

17
Erection Problems,
or Why the Damn Thing
Won't Act Like It Should
While every sex problem is accompanied by discom-
fort and concern, nothing equals the devastation
wrought by the lack of an erection at the right time.
Nothing except perhaps the loss of his job can make a
man feel more worthless and hopeless. Impotence, the
term traditionally used to signify the inability to get
erections, also means a lack of power, strength, and
vigor — the negation of all that we consider masculine.
Men have securely tied their self-respect to the up-
ward mobility of their penises and, when their penises
do not rise to the occasion, they no longer feel like
men.
Sam Julty, who interviewed a number of men with
erection problems, described their situation like this:

The man without the erection sees himself as being

less than a man, as an unworthy, as a fraud. It is as
if the flag of his manhood must remain furled for
lack of a mast. Thus the terror, the shame, the with-
drawal spurred by the dysfunction far exceed the re-
action to almost any other medical condition. . .

290
 ERECTION PROBLEMS 291

Here, in more personal terms, is what a client we saw

recently said when asked what he wanted to gain from
therapy:

I want to feel like a whole man again. If I could just

function normally at least some of the time when I'm
with a woman, that would do it. I know I can use my
hand or tongue to satisfy them, and that's fine some of
the time, but I'm not going to feel good about myself
until I can get a good hard-on and use it, I feel so
useless when that thing just hangs limp between my
legs.

Women are often baffled by the agony a man goes

through when he fails to get or keep an erection, but
they have no parallel experience with which to com-
pare it. The lack of erection, except in the relatively
few cases caused by medical problems, signifies a lack
of readiness for sex —
the man is tired, bored, angry,
anxious, or is in some other way preventing his sexual
feelings from influencing his penis. But men have not
had the permission women have to say that something
is getting in their way or that they'd rather not have
sex now.
A woman can participate in intercourse (which most
of us learned was the sexual act) without being
aroused or even interested. If she fails to lubricate
sufficiently, saliva or artificial lubrication can be
brought to the rescue. She might not have an orgasm,
of course, which would be construed by some as a
failure of sorts, but at least she can go through with
the act and give her partner pleasure. A
man is in a
somewhat different position. Because of the incorrect
but deeply embedded belief that sex demands a rigid
penis, there is nothing that can be brought to the res-
cue. And his "failure" is so obvious. There is his limp
organ, dangling in full view. There is no way to fake
an erection and, though not impossible, it is quite
difficult to have intercourse without at least a partial
erection.
So a man without an erection can't have inter-
course, which he usually translates as meaning that he
292 MALE SEXUALITY
can't have sex, and feels that he has failed as a man
and a human being. Of course his partner may be
sympathetic and offer support and understanding. But
he may be so consumed with self-loathing that he can't
accept what she offers. Many men withdraw from
their partners after such "failures" and engage in
an orgy of self-flagellation. The result is usually a mis-
erable experience for them and their partners.
Erection problems are as old as recorded history
and so are the agony and self-torture of men who ex-
perience them. Even today, however, there is no
agreed-upon definition of what constitutes an erectile
problem. Almost all men have had at least a few ex-
periences when they wanted an erection and didn't
get one or when they lost an erection at some embar-
rassing point. This is not really a problem. But what
about the man who usually does not get or maintain
an erection in sexual encounters? Or the man who
does fine with one partner but not with others? Or
the man who complains that his erections aren't as
hard as they used to be?
Our belief is that if it bothers you, it's a problem.
But the solution may not lie where you think.
Too many men with erection difficulties think that
all they need is some procedure or device to get it up
and keep it up. After all, the job of a penis is to get
hard, so perhaps the doctor has a pill or shot to get
this misguided penis back on the right track. Unfortu-
nately, the situation is usually a bit more complex.
The real problem usually lies not in the man's func-
tioning but in his ideas of how he should function.
Far too many men uncritically accept the superhuman
standards and myths about men and penises and then
get concerned when they discover they are merely hu-
man. Erection problems are almost always due to one
or more of the following: unrealistic expectations; lack
of arousal; absence of the proper conditions; and the
undue emphasis placed on the need for an erection.
An example of unrealistic expectations is a man in
his forties or fifties who complains that his erections
are not as full or firm as they were twenty years ago.
 ERECTION PROBLEMS 293

If this "problem" gets the best of him and he becomes

obsessed with it, he may end up without any erections

at all. Fifty-year-old penises don't feel or act exactly

the way twenty-year-old penises do. They can still do
their jobs and provide much pleasure to the man and
his partner, as long as the fantasy ideal of penises that
are hard as steel and always jumping about doesn't
get in the way. What needs adjusting in such cases is
the standards and expectations, not the penis.
The lack of arousal causes much confusion and
frustration. Most men think they should have erections
even if they aren't really turned-on. While penises
can get hard in the absence of arousal, such occurrences
are rare and unpredictable. If you aren't interested in
sex, your penis will usually remain soft. That's not a
problem, but many men succeed in turning it into one
by trying to force erections when there is no arousal.
The lack of proper conditions leads to many erec-
tion problems, but many men do not understand the
importance of meeting their conditions and wonder
what is wrong with them for not having erections even
under the most adverse circumstances.

Sam came to therapy because he had not had an erec-

tion with a woman he had been seeing for three
months. He was totally befuddled by his problem. He
claimed that Greta was the best thing that ever hap-
pened to him. She was European, which he liked, and
very experienced sexually. She was lots of fun, a won-
derful companion, and he feared losing her unless he
could perform. After some probing by the therapist, it
turned out that Greta had some other interesting quali-
ties. She had a quick and violent temper, and had
several times thrown dishes and other objects at Sam.
She continually berated American men in general and
Sam in particular for their sexual ineptness. She fre-
quently compared Sam to her last lover, with Sam
coming out on the short end. She demanded erections
and intercourse, threatening to leave if they were not
forthcoming. Although he hardly recognized it when
he first came to therapy, Sam was seething with resent-
ment toward her. He trembled as he talked about her
callousness toward him. Yet he continued to call
294 MALE SEXUALITY
himself impotent and wanted to know what was
wrong with him.

That Sam could ask such a question demonstrates

the power of our sexual mythology. He believed that,
no matter what the circumstances, no matter how angry
he was, and no matter how fearful he was of his part-
ner's critical outbursts, he should have an erection with
her. A more realistic question, but one that didn't occur
to him, would have been: how could anyone get an
erection in that situation?
If you have a lot of negative feelings toward your
partner, if you feel guilty about having sex with her,
if you aren't turned-on by her, if you are preoccupied

with other matters, if sex with her is a tense experience

— if any of these things are true, what makes you

think you should have an erection? The answer, of

course, is our sexual conditioning, the nonsense we
discussed in Chapters 3 and 4.
One aspect of our learning important to consider
here is the inordinate emphasis placed on erect pe-
nises. We men have so much at stake in getting an
erection — not only the success or failure of the particu-
lar sexual event, but our entire identity as men. Be-
cause so much is at stake, the absence of an erection
is greeted with the same degree of calmness as would
be the announcement that someone in the neighbor-
hood had the bubonic plague. When a man doesn't
get an erection, invariably because the situation isn't
right in the first place, he panics. He loses his ability
to think clearly and flings himself into an ocean of
self-doubt and fear.
A vicious cycle often is set in motion, all because of
a penis that refused to get hard on one occasion. The
man wonders what is wrong with him, if he is over
the hill. He may think that proves he's not as
this
good as the other guys or perhaps that he's a closet
homosexual. In his panic, he distances himself from
his partner, thereby ensuring that the event will end
badly and that his concerns will grow.
If this panic is not immediately resolved (in ways
we will discuss shortly), the stage is set for real trou-
 ERECTION PROBLEMS 295

ble. The next sexual encounter is looked forward to

with both anticipation and apprehension. If it goes
well, the man's worries are over. If it goes badly, his
worst fears will be confirmed. The next encounter be-
comes too important. The stakes are much too high.
Too much pressure is being generated. The man's
penis is confronted with conditions under which it can-
not operate. The more the man peers at his penis,
wondering what is wrong with it and whether it will
embarrass him again, the more it wilts.
The man is doing everything possible to ensure
that this experience will end at least as badly as the
first one. He's not doing it purposely, but he doesn't
know what else to do. A
second bad experience will
only make things worse the next time around. And
pretty soon the man realizes that he almost never gets
erections with a partner. Because he ignored his con-
ditions and put too much pressure on his penis, it now
refuses to function at all.

What could he have done differently? What can

you do when you don't get an erection when you
think you should? Several things.
First, remember that every man sometimes experi-
ences a lack of an erection. It's just one of those
things that all men must learn to live with. If you can
avoid worrying yourself to death about what it means,
things will probably work out fine the next time.
Second, realize that all is not lost. You and your
partner can have an enjoyable experience even with-
out an erection. Women are much less concerned
with the erectability of penises than are men, and your
partner can probably take your soft penis in stride
as long as you don't make a catastrophe of it. Resist
the temptation to withdraw in shame and anger. You
may want to tell her what you are feeling. You may
remember that many of the women in the Zilbergeld
and Stanton study requested this type of expression.
Whether you tell her or not, however, the important
thing is to stay with her and do whatever the two of
you enjoy.
It's paradoxical but true that if you ignore your lack
of erection (that is, don't make a federal case of it),
296 MALE SEXUALITY
it may not be lacking for long. This won't happen
every time, and it rarely happens if you are only pre-
tending to be unconcerned about what your penis is
doing, but it happens often if you can leave it alone
and not pester it.
Athird thing you can do when you don't get an
erection is avoid the tendency of launching into an in-
ternal dialogue about what the matter is with you. In-
stead, think whether your conditions are being met, if
you are aroused, and if you are getting the kind of
stimulation you want. If something is lacking —a cer-
tain kind of stimulation, some of your conditions —
do
what is necessary to get it. If you are not aroused,
the best thing is probably to call it a day and wait
untilyou are more in the mood.
if you find yourself thinking that you have to
Last,
prove yourself the next time, remember that such pres-
sure is self-defeating. You now have many ways of
dealing with it, such as having sex only when aroused,
meeting your conditions, talking to your partner about
your feelings, and clarifying her expectations and de-
sires. You might also want to set a rule for yourself
not to use your penis in the next sexual encounter.
Any of these methods, used singly or in combination,
should reduce your anxiety. The important thing is
that you give yourself the opportunity to enjoy your-
self and your partner rather than setting yourself a test
that can be passed only if your penis behaves in cer-
tain ways. Penises respond to pleasure but are only
too ready to fail any tests you set for them.
What we have said here, of course, is only a sum-
mary of what we discussed in earlier chapters. You
are human and operate according to laws governing
human sexual behavior. Treat yourself and your
penis with respect by having sex only when you are
aroused and your conditions are met, and things will
usually work out fine. Once in a while they won't, but
that's just the nature of the beast.
If you have had erection problems for some time and
are wondering specifically what to do, the next two
chapters are for you. You have already done most of
what is necessary, perhaps without realizing it. The
 ERECTION PROBLEMS 297

exercises and suggestions in the following chapters will

help you put your skills to the best use.
Before going on to them, however, we want to discuss
briefly some of the appliances and medications some-
times used to treat erection problems. All sorts of
nostrums and remedies have been developed for the
improvement of a man's sex life, and particularly for
dealing with penises that refuse to do what they're
supposed to do. If you have been considering any of
these scientific wonders, it will pay you to read on.
Although the search for an aphrodisiac is as old as
recorded history, none has ever been found. James
Woods, a research pharmacologist and expert on
the subject, had this to say:

In reality, there are no known drugs that specifi-

cally increase libido or sexual performance, and every
chemical taken for this purpose, without medical
advice . . . poses the danger of drug interaction or
overdose to the user.

That goes for all the common folk potions as well as

the sophisticated products of modern chemistry. The
well-known Spanish fly is not only not very effective
but is also dangerous. It causes acute irritation of the
intestinal and urinary tracts, which sometimes leads
to a feeling of sexual excitement, but has also led to con-
tinued and painful erection (priapism) which some-
times requires surgical treatment. Deaths have also been
attributed to its use.
Some massage oils are advertised as having aphro-
disiac properties. This is false advertising. Massage oil
may be nice; it can lubricate and give you a good,
warm feeling, but that's as far as it goes. If that turns
you on, but the oil itself, no matter what
that's fine,
"secret herbs" it contains, is not going to change your
sexual desire or functioning.
As for the bands to be tied around the base of your
penis, don't use them. You may keep the erection but
there is a possibility of causing damage. The penis is a
very sensitive and vulnerable organ, best left untam-
pered with.
Testosterone injections and penile implants are pre-
298 MALE SEXUALITY
scribed by some physicians. Testosterone therapy is
fashionable in some medical circles and the implants
show indications of becoming the next fad.
Testosterone is an androgen, or male sex hormone,
produced in the testicles. It was once thought that pro-
duction of this hormone decreased abruptly with aging,
and that this decline was responsible for decreased
sexual interest and performance. Injections of testos-
terone were therefore recommended as appropriate
therapy. Current thinking is that production of the
hormone does not suddenly decline at any age, except
in rare cases. In cases where there is a hormone de-
ficiency, injections are often very helpful. But such
cases are not common.
When no hormone deficiency has been established,
results are much less certain. Even when positive,
they are often transitory. We have seen many men
who had either received no benefit from testosterone
shots or who had experienced some change, only to
have it fade away soon after the treatment ended. Be-
cause of possible side effects (mentioned below), testos-
terone injections cannot be administered indefinitely.
Some physicians recommend testosterone almost rou-
tinely for men over forty who complain of erection
problems or decreased sexual desire. Other doctors
are more cautious, using it only when a deficiency of the
hormone is proved. Before considering this type of
treatment, you should know that it is suspected of hav-
ing a very dangerous side effect. In his book, Male
Sexual Health, Phillip Roen, a well-known urologist,
explains:

We know that hidden in the depths of the prostate

there may be a latent group of cancer cells which
ordinarily would not produce any trouble but which
can do so when they are stimulated by testosterone
injections. This kind of treatment therefore seems
to me to carry too high a risk to be justified.

Sometimes testosterone therapy is a desperate last

resorton the part of the doctor, who has no idea of
 ERECTION PROBLEMS 299

what to do if it fails. This can lead to problems for the

patient.

Ollie, a man in his early fifties, saw a urologist at a

well-known medical center for his erection problems.
He was given Afrodex pills (a combination of tes-
tosterone and yohimbine, a natural substance thought
by some to possess aphrodisiac qualities). When no
progress was forthcoming, the urologist began a
course of testosterone injections, telling Ollie that if
they didn't work, nothing would. The shots didn't
work and Ollie was seriously depressed for several
months because he believed there was no help for
him. After a while, he inquired about other possi-
bilities and someone referred him to us. Six weeks
after his first session, he was having enjoyable sex.

We wonder how many men have accepted a sexless life

because the testosterone shots failed to help and their
doctors said there was nothing else.
The best advice we can give regarding testosterone
is don't even consider it unless your doctor says you
have a hormone deficiency. If such a deficiency exists
and your doctor recommends injections, talk to him
about the possible side effects before making a decision.
Better yet, try the exercises in the next two chapters
first. You'll probably find that you don't need any in-

jections.
Two types of penile implants have been developed
in recent years.The first consists of one or two silicone
rods surgically implanted in the penis. The result is a
permanent state of semi-erection, firm enough to insert
in the vagina for intercourse but usually not so obtru-
sive as to cause embarrassment in nonsexual situations.
The surgery itself is fairly simple and the risk is low.
The implant does not impair penile sensation or the
capacity for orgasm and ejaculation.
The newer device is much more complex. It is a
hydraulic model, involving inflatable cylinders in the
penis, a reservoir of fluid placed under the abdominal
muscles, and a pumping mechanism in the scrotum.
When a man with such an implant desires an erection,
 300 male Sexuality
he pumps the bulb in his scrotum, causing the fluid in
the reservoir to inflate the cylinders in the
penis. He
may then engage in whatever sexual activity he desires.
Orgasm and ejaculation are not interfered with by the
implant. To return his penis to its normal state, the
man
activates the bulb that deflates the cylinders.
The hydraulic model has both advantages and disad-
vantages compared to the simple implant. The
penis
looks and feels more normal than the semi-rigid
one
produced by the earlier procedure. The erection can
be
full and firm rather than semi-firm
and there is no
problem about concealing the erection. On the nega-
tive side, it is a much more complex
device (meaning
that there is more that can go wrong) and
much less
is known about Only a few of the hydraulic models
it.

are in use and not enough time has elapsed to have

good follow-up information. It is therefore impossible
at this time to give a fair appraisal of their
usefulness.
Both kinds of implants were originally designed as
a
last resort. They were to be used for
men with severe
physical impairment, so severe that the implant
was the
only way they could ever hope to have an
erection
again. As so often happens, however, once
a procedure
exists, it gets used on all sorts of people.
Some implants
have been done on men who did not have physical
impairment.
We
have talked to a number of urologists who have
eitherdone the surgery or were in some other way in-
volved and the consensus is that the implants
often
work out well for men for whom it really is the only
hope, i.e., those with organic impairment. For
those
without such impairment, however, and those who
have
not tried other alternatives, there is often trouble. They
complain about the implant, they want adjustments
made and none that are made them, they want
satisfy
them removed, or they just don't ever
use them. In
other words, the implant only provides new things
to
complain about.
Implants are tempting to many men. Surgery seems
so much simpler than thinking about conditions and
how relaxed you are, considering whether or not you
want sex, talking to your partner—all these silly hu-
 ERECTION PROBLEMS 301

man things. Just have an —

operation and barring
—
equipment failure you're all set. This logic appeals to
many men who are accustomed to technological solu-
tions for all problems.
There is another side, however. Surgery, no matter
how simple, always carries a risk. The risk varies ac-
cording to age, physical condition, type of anesthetic,
and other factors. Surgery is also expensive, usually
more expensive than short-term therapy and certainly
more expensive than this book.
Another consideration is what it means to replace
your own functioning with a mechanical device. In
some cases, of course, it may be absolutely necessary.
If your heart, lungs, or kidneys don't work, having
yourself hooked up to a machine may be the only
way to preserve your life. If your penis won't work,
even after trying the exercises in this book and going to
a good sex therapist, an implant may be the only re-
course left. But it should be considered only after you
have exhausted the other alternatives.
If you are in a hurry to get an implant, we suggest
you carefully consider why. What problems do you
think it will solve for you? Why are you so unwilling
to try the book or see a therapist? It's a terrible mistake
to think of the implant as a panacea. It will give you
an erection and nothing else. It will not increase your
desire or sexual skills, it will not help you find a partner,
nor will it necessarily circumvent the need for talking
about sex. Your partner, after all, may wonder how
come you always have an erection or why you're always
pushing buttons. If you are engaging in magical think-
ing about the wonders that an implant will produce for
you, you are probably headed for a huge disappoint-
ment.
 _18
Resolving Erection
Problems I

Successfully dealing with erection problems requires

that the following criteria be met:

1. Having sex only when you feel aroused, and only

the kinds of sex that you want;
2. Meeting all your conditions for good sex;
3. Recognizing when you are tense, and getting
more relaxed;
4. Getting the kinds of stimulation you like and
focusing on this stimulation.

In short, you need to be able to take charge of a

sexual
situation so thatyou are enjoying rather than perform-
ing.
Each of the four criteria above is composed of a
number of separate skills. Having sex only when you
want to, for example, requires you to be able to say no
to sex when you are not in the mood,
to get the type of
sexual activity you like, to be able to stop in the
middle
of a sexual encounter if you realize
that you are no
longer in the mood, and to initiate sex when
you want
it. Being able to
communicate clearly with your partner
302
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS I 303

is, of course, necessary for the application of these

skills.
you have done the conditions, assertiveness, re-
If
laxation, talking,and focusing exercises presented ear-
lier in the book and feel reasonably confident of your
ability to apply what you have learned, your erection
difficulties are probably all but resolved. The sugges-
tions and exercises in this and the next chapter can help
extend your learning and increase your confidence, but
you may not need them. Some of the men we've worked
with resolved their erection problems without doing
any of the exercises in these two chapters. We want to
be clear that these exercises are useful only as a sup-
plement to, and not as a substitute for, the conditions,
assertiveness, and other exercises given earlier.
Now is a good time to take stock of where you are
and what you need to do. Read this and the next
chapter without doing the exercises to get an idea of
which exercises might be useful and which exercises
given earlier in the require further work. Pay par-
book
ticular the section in the next chapter
attention to
called Partner Sex without Exercises. If you think you
can carry out the suggestions given there without doing
any more exercises, feel free to do what you want. If,
on the other hand, you feel you need more confidence
or better development of certain skills, do what is
necessary to achieve these ends.
Theguidelines for doing exercises on pages 172-
173 apply to all the exercises in this and the next chap-
ter. An additional suggestion for men with erection
problems is not to do more than one exercise a day.
You want to give your penis the best possible condi-
tions in which to respond, and having sex more than
once a day may not be conducive for reaching this
goal.
The masturbation exercises require the ability to fo-
cus, an developed by Exercise 10-1. If you
ability
need more time with that exercise, now is the time to
get it.

The
first masturbation exercise is simple and will
help you to understand that a lost erection can often
 304 MALE SEXUALITY
be regained when conditions are right and the stimula-
tion good. Men often forget this and get anxious
when
their erection goes down. It is useful to remember
that
it is common for the strength of an
erection to fluctuate
during a sexual experience. Your penis may be
very
firm and full one moment, softer the next, and
then
either regain its firmness or become completely
flaccid.
If it does get soft, try not to panic. If
your conditions
are met, if you are reasonably relaxed, and if
you are
getting the kind of stimulation you like, the
chances
are good that your erection will return.

EXERCISE 18-1: LOSING AND

REGAINING ERECTION
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes

Masturbate with lubricant and focus inside your penis.

When
you have an erection, stop. Take your hand away from
your
penis, stop focusing, and think about something
nonsexual. Let
your erection go completely down, which may take from
a few
seconds to a few minutes. When your penis is soft,
resume
masturbating and focusing. Most of the time your penis will
get
hard again, in which case you should again stop and let
it get
soft Two stops are sufficient in a 15- to 20-minute session.
If your erection does not return in a few
minutes after the
resumption of stimulation, consider if there is anything
you
should do to get into a more relaxed, sexier frame
of mind
(for example, recalling a good sexual experience
or looking at
some stimulating pictures or literature). If the changes you
make result in an erection, Just continue the exercise. If not,
call it quits for then and return to the
exercise some other
time. Whatever you do, don't try to force an erection. It won't
work.
Do two to four times, or until you are reason-
this exercise
ably confident that an erection can often be regained
by the
proper atmosphere and stimulation*

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
You never regain your erection after letting it go down. (H
you usually get it back but not always, thafs not a problem).
Be sure you are feeling sexy before you resume stimulation,
that you are comfortable, and that all your conditions
are met

You may have found that you did not always regain
your erection. If you didn't have this experience in this
exercise, you probably will in one of the later ones.
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS I 305

This simply one of those difficult facts of life that all

is

men need to accept. The only reason it's difficult is that

our sex education didn't leave room for it.
All you can do about erections is meet your condi-
tions. Sometimes, even when conditions are met and
everything seems perfect, you still won't get or maintain
an erection. Penises sometimes decide to take brief va-
cations at the oddest moments. See if you can accept
this as a fact that you can do nothing about (assum-
ing, of course, that your conditions are fulfilled). The
more you accept this idea, the better you'll feel about
yourself and the less pressure you'll put on your penis.
The less pressure your penis feels, the more likely it
will respond in the future.
The next three exercises involve the use of structured
fantasy. Before doing them, read the discussion of the
role of fantasy in exercises on page 273-276.

EXERCISE 18-2: MASTURBATION WITH

.FANTASY OF SEX WITH A PARTNER
Time Required: 20 to 25 minutes

Step A: Masturbate with lubricant while fantasizing a sexual

experience with a partner. Start the fantasy with the first touch
or kiss and slowly go through all the activities that might oc-
cur in this imagined sexual event A typical sequence might go
like this: kissing, hugging, removing clothes, caressing while
nude, playing with her breasts, playing with her genitals, her
touching your penis, oral sex, inserting your penis into her
vagina, being in the vagina with no movement, slow movement,
and movement that gradually becomes rapid. (We are not im-
plying that a real sexual encounter should include all these
activities or that there is a special order in which the activi-
ties should occur. The important thing is that you fantasize
all the possible sexual activities you might actually encounter.)
Be aware of your anxiety level and, should it rise, visualize
yourself doing something to make yourself more comfort-
able. At the same time, actually do something to make your-
self more relaxed. When the anxiety decreases, resume sexual
activity in the fantasy and resume masturbation. Here is an
example of how this might go:

You are masturbating and enjoying your fantasy until

the scene where she touches your penis. At that point
your anxiety goes up. Stop masturbating and do some-
 306 MALE SEXUALITY
thing to get comfortable, e.g., taking
a few deep
breaths. At the same time, visualize
yourself doing
somethmg to relax with your partner. You might see
yourself telling her you want to stop and just
hold her
for a while; or you might do something
for her; or
perhaps you could see yourself talking to her
about
your feelings. When you feel more relaxed, resume
masturbating and see yourself continue or resume
sex-
ual activity in the fantasy. If your anxiety
rises at the
same point as before, do Step B.

JK yon are doing the exercise slowly and carefully, as yon

should, the allotted time will probably
not be sufficient to get
through the entire fantasy. That is fine. Next
time you can
start the fantasy at a later scene, e.g.,
where you are already
imdressed and caressing each other. Regardless
of how many
sessions it takes, make sure you cover all
possible aspects of a
sexual experience while doing this exercise.
Most men experience some difficulty with one or more of
the
fantasized scenes. Perhaps your anxiety increases
when you
imagine her touching your penis or when you
imagine start-
Ing intercourse. Since what gives you trouble
in fantasy will
probably do the same in reality, you want to
devote special
attention to the difficult scenes. When you run
into an anxiety-
producing scene that does not get easier after a few
repetitions,'
use Step B.
Siep Bs Instead of masturbating to a fantasy of
a whole
sexual encounter, fantasize only the scene
that causes you
trouble. It is essential that you be relaxed
before beginning.
Get into a sexual mood, then slowly begin masturbating and
gently ease yourself into the difficult scene. Here is an exam-
pie.

If your difficult scene involved your partner's

playing
with your penis, first imagine her hand just lightly
brushing your penis. When that feels comfortable,
see her holding your penis for a second or two.
Then
holding it a bit longer. Then stroking it for just a mo-
ment. Gradually increase the amount of time you can
visualize her stroking your penis until you can fanta-
size it for as long as you like without an increase
in
anxiety. If you do get tense at any point, stop and get
more comfortable, then resume that fantasy at a point
preceding the one that caused the increase in anxiety.

Repeat this process as many times as necessary until you

can go through the entire scene without any increase in
anx-
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS I 307
iety. When this is accomplished, return to Step A and incor-
porate this scene into the larger fantasy. You may then find
that another scene gives you trouble, necessitating a return to
Step B. Continue this procedure until you can go through the
entire fantasy in Step A
feeling very comfortable.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. You have difficulty
staying with the fantasy, finding your-
self drifting other thoughts and fantasies. When this
to
happens, simply bring your attention back to the scene you
were imagining. You will need to do this a number of times
each session.
2. You forget about your relaxation level. It is crucial mat
you be aware of how relaxed you are so you can stop and get
more comfortable when you need to. If this is a problem for
you, try keeping most of your attention on your relaxation
level even though this may result in less distinct fantasy

If you have a tape recorder, we encourage you to record

the fantasy and play it while you masturbate. Since you wont
have to put any effort into developing the fantasy, you can
listen to it while keeping your attention on how relaxed or
tense you are.
3. You try to do too much in one session. It's important
that you really get into your fantasy and slowly go through it,
which means that this exercise will take at least a few ses-
sions to complete. You will probably need to stop a number
of times to get relaxed, and also need to do Step B at least a
few times. Speed is not important. Carrying out the exercise
exactly as suggested is.

We generally like to cover in fantasy most or all of

the disappointing or anxiety-producing events that may
occur in reality, e.g., not getting or maintaining an
erection. This helps you think of how you can deal
with such a situation, making its actuality less threat-
ening. The next exercise deals with not getting or main-
taining an erection, a situation that may have caused
you much grief in the past. You need to learn to handle
it in a way that makes the sexual experience a good one

for both you and your partner.

308 MALE SEXUALITY
EXERCISE 18-3: MASTURBATING WITH FANTASY
OF LOSING AND REGAINING ERECTION
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes

While masturbating, you are to fantasize losing your erec-

tion at the point at which this usually occurred in partner
activities in the past If your main problem is not getting an
erection when with a partner, fantasize that situation instead.
It is important that the fantasy be reasonably vivid and de-
tailed. What is going on the moment that you lose your
erection? What are you doing and what is she doing? As
you picture yourself losing your erection, stop mastur-
bating. You may experience the awful feelings you usually
have in such situations (hopelessness, anger, and so forth).
Imagine yourself doing something to get more comfort-
able, e.g., asking her to give you a light massage, holding her,
talking to her. Get into the fantasy of the relaxing activity
and allow yourself to relax. When you are more comfortable,
think of what would be needed for you to get aroused
again, perhaps a certain kind of stimulation or telling your
lover what you are feeling. Then imagine yourself doing it As
you imagine these scenes, resume masturbating. Picture in as
much detail as possible getting the things you need to become
more aroused. Then visualize yourself regaining your
erection and having a good time.
Do this exercise as many times as needed to develop some
confidence that you could actually carry out what you fan-
tasized with a partner. For many men, four to six repetitions
are sufficient, but others will want to do more.

You probably good about regaining your erec-

felt
But since that won't
tion in the fantasy in this exercise.
always happen in reality, we go to a fantasy of a situa-
tion that may be quite threatening to you —
failing to
get or regain an erection regardless of how relaxed and
aroused you feel. This situation frightens most men,
particularly those who have experienced it and not
handled it well. It is important to confront the situa-

tion, otherwise your sex life is going to be overcrowded,

with the fear of not regaining an erection taking up a
lot of space. That fear can be put to rest if you prove
to yourself that you can have a marvelous time in bed
without an erection. We hope that your reading of
Chapter 13 has at least raised the possibility in your
mind that your partner can probably be satisfied with-
out an erection. The following exercise is intended to
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS I 309

help you realize that you also can have a good time
without a hard penis.

EXERCISE 18-4: MASTURBATION WITH

FANTASY OF NO ERECTION
Time Required: 15 to 25 minutes

Masturbate to a fantasy where you either do not get an

erection, oryou have one which goes soft, whichever situation
has been most true for you. Stop masturbating and imagine
yourself doing something to help yourself relax. When you
are relaxed in the fantasy, imagine yourself getting all your
conditions met and the types of stimulation you like best*
And imagine that none of this brings you an erection. You
may at this point experience some negative feelings, similar to
those you actually experienced in such situations in the past
You may need to exert some effort to keep control of the

Now imagine yourself accepting the fact that your penis is

not going to get hard. You may want to visualize yourself
telling your partner this ("I guess I'm not going to get an
erection tonight," or something of this sort). Then imagine
doing whatever seems right to make the experience an
enjoyable one for both you and your partner. One possibility
is to do something for her with your hands, mouth, or
something else (but not your penis). While fantasizing about
carrying out these ideas, resume masturbating and have a good
time.
As you repeat the exercise, you might want to try different
things that can be done after you and your partner accept the
fact of your nonerection. Some of the possibilities can be non-
sexual, e.g., talking, massage, holding each other, going for a
walk together. Keep control of the fantasies and do not let
mem wander to include such nonproductive alternatives as
sulking, fighting, or stomping out of the room. You may have
done such things in the past but you're in a different place now,
with many more satisfying alternatives to choose from. If
you have difficulty keeping control of the fantasy, we suggest
you record it and play it back while you are masturbating.
Remember that whatever you do in the fantasy, it does not
result in an erection. See how many alternatives you can dis-
cover for an enjoyable experience in this situation.
Do this exercise as many times as necessary to give you a
feeling of confidence that you could carry it out in reality.

You may have had some trouble when you saw

yourself without an erection despite all your fantasy
310 MALE SEXUALITY
attempts to get one. Repeating the exercise a number of
times will help. Having good sex is not dependent upon
having an erection and you should be well on your way
toward accepting that fact.
 19
Resolving Erection
Problems II
This chapter presents two approaches to partner sex
for men with erection problems, both of which have
been used very successfully. The first approach in-
volves a list of principles to be followed in partner
sex and requires no partner exercises. It does require
you to meet the four criteria listed at the beginning
of Chapter 18. This program has been successfully
used by men without steady partners, by men with
partners who would not cooperate in treatment, and
by men who had cooperative partners but who didn't
want to do partner exercises.
The second program requires a partner who is willing
to work with you on a series of exercises. It follows an
outline developed by Masters and Johnson, but with
own variations.
several of our
Read both approaches and pick the one that feels
right for you. If you do not have a partner, of course,
you have to go with the first one. Otherwise, either
method can work. The first one is a bit more difficult
for most men, so if you have trouble with it, you can
always do some exercises with your partner.

311
312 MALE SEXUALITY

Partner Sex
without Exercises
If you have done the exercises given earlier in the
book, you are ready to carry out our suggestions for
sex with a partner. You have already seen most of the
suggestions, in the section on sex with a new partner
on pages 212-214. You should follow them whether you
are in a new or an old relationship. Here we offer some
elaboration and a few new ideas.
If you are in a relationship and have broken off
physical contact because of your sexual problem, it is
important to reestablish that contact as soon as possi-
ble. Start holding hands, hugging, snuggling, taking
baths or showers together, doing light body-rubs, or
anything else that is mutually agreeable. You need to
feel comfortable being physical with your partner, and
engaging in these activities is one of the best ways to
get there. Of course, you should stop and get more
comfortable if at any time you get tense.
Use your list of conditions and systematically go
about meeting them. Work out any unfinished busi-
ness with your partner that is getting in the way, talk to
her about how you can satisfy her if you don't have an
—
erection, use transition activities to help you relax do
these or anything else that will fulfill all your condi-
tions. And don't even consider doing anything sexual
until they all are met.
While engaged in any type of physical activity with
your partner, most of your attention should be on the
pleasurable sensations you're feeling. But you should
also be aware of how tense or relaxed you are. When-
ever you are tense, even if during nonsexual contact
with your lover, do something to get more comfortable.
Plan not to have intercourse the first few times you
have sex with her and stick to the plan no matter
what comes up. It's a bad pun but we're serious. You
may get an erection but you shouldn't use it in inter-
course. A mistake commonly made by men who've had
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 313

erection problems is to attempt frantically to "stick it

in" as soon as they have an erection. Such frenzied ef-
forts usually end with the erection disappearing. Let
your lover play with your penis and give her plenty of
directions so she'll do it just the way you like. If an
ejaculation happens, that's nice, and if it doesn't, that's
also nice. Enjoy the feelings and don't attempt any
"sticking it in."
When engaging in sexual activities other than inter-
course, see if you can't have a good time. Some men
are so busy thinking about intercourse that they don't
enjoy anything else that happens. Focusing on the sen-
sations in your penis as it's being stimulated will help
keep your mind where it belongs. When you do get
around to intercourse, keep focusing in your penis.
It's a good idea deliberately to lose your erection with
your partner. You can ask her to stop stimulating you
and do something else until your erection has gone
away. Then, if you feel like it, ask her to resume stimu-
lation. If your erection doesn't return soon, don't
try to push it. Do something else that feels good. You
may feel bad because you want to reward her efforts
with an erection. She's playing with you because it feels
good to you and good to her. That usually is sufficient
reward for anyone. You owe her an erection, just
don't
as she doesn't owe you an orgasm when you stimulate
her.
Since you are at some point going to be asking your
penis to go into her body, it is helpful if she and it
become better acquainted. Have her touch, pat,
hold, and caress it when it's soft. Some men find this
difficult to do ("I only want her to touch it when it's
hard"), but it's well worth practicing. You'll feel much
more comfortable if you can let her touch your penis
regardless of what shape it's in. Have her do a little at
a time, gradually increasing the amount of touching as
you feel more comfortable (most women, by the way,
like this type of activity).
Another way of developing diplomatic relations be-
tween your penis and your lover is to gently rub it on
her body. Whether it's hard or soft, you can rub it al-
314 MALE SEXUALITY
most everywhere on her. When you are comfortable
doing this, rub it in her pubic hair, between her thighs,
on her vaginal lips, and perhaps put it in her vagina just
a little way. Of course you should stop and get com-
fortable if you get tense. Go slowly, keep your atten-
tion on your penis, and allow it and you to get to know
your partner better.
The business about helping your penis and your
partner to get better acquainted strikes some men as
silly, but we assure you that the techniques we've sug-
gested are powerful ones. Besides, they can be lots of
fun. You really can play fun games while in bed with-
out feeling that you have to achieve some goal or put on
a performance.
Remember to go no further than you are comfortable
with. Respect your anxious feelings by not doing any-
thing to increase their strength. If that means that you
don't have intercourse the first three, five, or ten times
you are sexual with your partner, that's fine. Enjoy what
you do with her and, sooner or later, you will be
ready for intercourse.
If you don't get an erection after a few times with a
partner, she may wonder what is going on. She may
even wonder the first time it happens. Many women
take a lack of erection as a sign that the man is not
attracted to them or that they are not doing the right
things to arouse him, just as many men take a lack of
orgasm on the part of their partners to indicate some
deficiency in the men's attractiveness or lovemaking
skills.
Obviously this is a potentially explosive situation
and needs to be defused as quickly as possible. You
need to let your partner know that she is attractive and
desirable to you (assuming that this is true) and that
your lack of erection is not her fault. Here are two
possible ways:

Mary, I don't exactly understand what's going on

but can tell I'm not going to get an erection. I
I
like you and am really turned-on to you. I've been
looking forward to tonight all week and you've been
doing everything I could want and I'm turned-on like
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 315

crazy. I think it's because I like you and want to be a

good lover for you. I'm just trying too hard and
whenever I do that my penis goes on vacation. I'd
like to leave it alone for a while. But I'd also like to
touch you some more.

Ginny, I better level with you. I've had problems

getting an erection for some time. I've been getting
some help with it and I thought things would be
different with you because I feel close to you and
I really want you. But I can see that I'm still very
nervous and that's getting in the way of getting
hard. I'm sure I won't get an erection tonight, but
I'd love to do whatever you want me to.

What you say may be quite different from either of

these examples. Just make sure your partner under-
stands that you are not blaming her. It's also a good
idea not to apologize. You haven't done anything wrong
or anything to be ashamed of. Apologies in such situa-
tions often lead to self-flagellation and other forms of
destructive behavior. Just tell her what is happening, in
as direct and honest a way as you can. No one has the
right to expect more than that.
Regardless of what anyone has a right to expect,
however, we want to acknowledge that there are some
women who will be put off by your lack of erection,
regardless of what you tell them about it. Because of
their own insecurities about their attractiveness or sex-
ual competence, or for some other reason, they may
not be able to deal with a man who has a problem.
Such women are probably few, but should you find
yourself with one, you need to realize that you don't
have many choices. Since her unwillingness to accept
you the way you are is only going to make you feel bad
about yourself and put more pressure on your penis,
the situation can only get worse. Unless she can become
more accepting of your situation, the only reasonable
choice you have is to leave. Not a happy prospect, per-
haps, but staying with her (assuming she is willing)
will probably only add to your sexual woes.
Better to find a woman who is more interested in a
man than in a rigid penis. With a more supportive at-
titude, you'll probably soon have erections.
316 MALE SEXUALITY
To avoid unnecessary disappointments, remember
that you won't always get erections when you think
you should, you will lose erections sometimes and not
be able to regain them, and at times your erections may
not be as full or hard as you would like. As long as
you are following all the suggestions we gave, you are
doing all you can to maximize the chances for having
good sex.
If you can't seem to get past a certain point, however,
or if a problem keeps recurring, you can do something
about it. First, figure out as precisely as possible what
the problem is. For example, "I get erections without
any trouble but often lose them when she goes to insert
it." If you don't lose your erection when you insert it,
you could decide to insert it yourself all the time, thus
easily solving the difficulty. If you would like the option
of her inserting it, one way of dealing with this is to use
a scene of her doing that in Step B of Exercise 18-2.
Another option is to create an exercise of your own.
An appropriate exercise might go like this. She sits on
top of you and stimulates you to erection. She then
rubs your penis in her pubic hair, then on the lips of
her vagina. All this is done slowly and you move from
one step to the next as you are comfortable and feel
ready. She can then insert your penis just a little.
Gradually, and not necessarily in one session, she can
insert your penis deeper and deeper until it is all the
way in.
Reading the partner exercises that follow will give
you some ideas of the kinds of exercises you can use to
deal with any problems that arise. You may not want
to tell your partner that what you want to do is an
exercise, and there's no reason you should. You can
just say that you'd like to try such and such. As long
as you proceed slowly enough to keep your anxiety
level down, you should be able to handle any diffi
culties that come up.
That's really all there is to it. This program has
worked for hundreds of men and it can work for you.
You already have most of the skills and only "need
practice in applying them. Keep referring back to this
section and make sure you are following our sugges-
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 317

When you have developed more con-

tions to the letter.
fidence,you can be more flexible and do pretty much
what you want as long as you are not totally disregard-
ing your conditions. That is a certain invitation to trou-
ble for anyone, no matter how much experience and
confidence he has.

Partner Exercises

Before starting these exercises both you and your

partner should read and discuss them. Talk about your
feelings about the program and work out any conflicts.
You both should understand that these exercises
constitute a training program and will not be needed
forever. Since how long they are needed is mainly de-
termined by how often they are done, work out an
agreement about frequency. Your partner should un-
derstand that you are in total control while the exer-
cises are being done; she is not to push you faster or
further than you want to go. You need to assure her
that you are willing to satisfy her with your hands or
mouth when she desires, but that no demands can be
made on your penis.
It is common for disagreements to arise in the course
of doing the exercises. To get the maximum benefit
from the program, work out the disagreements as soon
as they occur.
Do not restrict your physical contact with your part-
ner to these exercises. Allow plenty of time for mutual-
ly satisfying expressions of physical affection, and be
sure to have some physical contact before starting each
exercise.
The
basic principle to be followed in all the exercises
is you should engage in the suggested activities
that
only up to the point where anxiety arises. When you
become anxious, stop what you are doing and do some-
thing that will allow you to become comfortable. Then,
if you desire, you can resume the previous activity,

remembering to stop again if the tenseness returns.

318 MALE SEXUALITY
The following suggestions apply to the exercises:
1. If possible, do exercises two to four times a
week, no more than one exercise per day.
2. You probably will do best if you don't mastur-
bate while engaged in this program. There are two ex-
ceptions to this rule. You may want to masturbate if
you and your partner are not able to get together
several times a week. Masturbating is then fine and it
will help if you use the focusing technique or one of
the exercises in Chapter 18. The other situation in
which masturbation is acceptable is if you feel the
need to gain more confidence with one or more of the
masturbation exercises. If so, take a break from the
partner work, returning to it when you have accom-
plished what you wanted with the masturbation exer-
cises. It's best not to alternate between masturbation
and partner exercises on a daily basis. That may be
just too much sex.
3. Both you and your partner should read and dis-
cuss an exercise before doing it.
4. Make sure you are relaxed and your conditions
are met before starting an exercise.
5. Don't try to rush through the program. That will
only add pressure. It will take as long as it needs to
and there is little you can do to speed up the process.
Take it slowly and see if you can enjoy what you are
doing.
6. At some point you will get an erection and be
tempted to have intercourse. Resist the temptation.
Don't attempt insertion until it is suggested in the exer-
cises and never attempt it in a hurried or pressured
manner.

Since most of the exercises parallel some of the mas-

turbation exercises in the last chapter and/or the ideas
in that chapter and the first part of this chapter, we
keep our explanations here to a minimum.
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 319

EXERCISE 19-1: PARTNER PLAYING

WITH YOUR SOFT PENIS
Time Required: 15 minutes
After making sure that you are both in a comfortable
position (you to try the position recommended by
may want
Masters and Johnson, illustrated on page 283, let your
partner play with your soft penis. Try not to get an erection
since you want the experience of being touched and played
with when soft. If you do get an erection, stop for a while
until your penis gets soft, then have your partner resume.
Your partner can explore, caress, stroke, and play with your
penis in any way she likes. Don't let her do anything that is
painful or uncomfortable but, aside from that, keep your
hands to yourself and your attention in your penis. Be aware
of what it feels like to be touched. You may be aware of some
pressure to get an erection. Just let the feeling be there and
continue to focus on the sensations in your penis.
Do this exercise three or four times, or until you are quite
comfortable with her touching you when you are soft

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
You find yourself trying to get an erection. That's natural
since men were taught that they should be hard when a
woman touched them. If they weren't hard to begin with, they
certainly should get that way within a few seconds after she
started her ministrations. Be aware of the pressure if it is
•there but don't act on it. Talking to your partner about
these feelings can be valuable. Remember that the goal is to
keep your penis soft. Having an erection interferes with the
purpose of the exercise.

EXERCISE 19-2: PARTNER STIMULATION

OF PENIS WITH FOCUSING
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes

Assume a position that is comfortable for you and your

partner and have her stimulate your penis in ways that you
like. Pay attention to the sensations in your penis and give her
instructions on how to touch it Suggest different strokes,
pressures, and rhythms and see how they feel. If she has any
trouble following your instructions, be more specific or show
her how to do it. Be sure to tell her when she's doing it the
way you like. Give your directions in ways that encourage her
to follow them. Do not criticize her under any circumstance.
Just tell her what you want as clearly as you can and show
your appreciation for what she's doing.
Whether or not you get an erection is not the point The
goals are to give you practice in focusing and giving direc-
320 MALE SEXUALITY
tions. If yon are aroused, your conditions are met, and yon
are getting the kind of stimulation you want, you probably will
get an erection some of the time. It's fine if you ejaculate.
Do the exercise three to five times, or until you feel confi-
dent that you usually do respond in a satisfying manner with
the proper stimulation.

POSSIBLE PROBLEM
You never get an erection in this exercise, even after doing
it a number of times. Check that your conditions are met,
that you are aroused and comfortable before starting the exer-
cise, and that you are getting precisely the kind of stimula-
tion you want. If everything checks out and there's still no
change, you might want to try the next exercise, particularly
if you like oral stimulation.
If you responded in the masturbation exercises but not
with your partner, there is obviously something in the rela-
tionship that is getting in your way. Ask yourself what it
would take for you to be able to have an erection with your
partner. What issues, attitudes, or behaviors would have to be
resolved or changed? See if you can work them out. If not,
you may have no alternative to seeking professional help.
If you responded to neither the masturbation exercises nor
the partner exercises, you should definitely see a competent
sex therapist.

you are like most of the men we have worked

If
with, you are now convinced that things are not as bad
as you had imagined. In fact, you may be thinking
that things are going well and be in a hurry to get to
intercourse. We hope you are willing to put that off for
a bit.
The next exercise is optional. Many men have en-
joyed and found it valuable. However, not all women
it

are willing to do it, so you and your partner will have

to discuss it carefully. If she is not willing to do it, don't
push her. It's not a necessary exercise. Perhaps, as your
sex life becomes more satisfying, she will be willing to
try oral sex.

EXERCISE 19-3: ORAL STIMULATION

OF PENIS WITH FOCUSING
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes

This exercise is identical to the preceding one in all re-

spects except that your partner now stimulates your penis
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 321

with her mouth rather than her hand. Use whatever position
is comfortable for the two of you but resist the temptation
to stimulate her orally at the same time. Just focus and give
directions.

By now you should be confident of getting erections

most of the time when you have the proper conditions
and stimulation. You now need to learn that it's really
,OK to lose your erection with your partner. Most of
the time you will be able to regain it. And when you
can't you can still have a good time.

EXERCISE19-4: LOSING AND

REGAINING ERECTIONS
Time Required: 20 to 25 minutes

Have your partner stimulate your penis with her hand or

mouth. Keep your attention in your penis and give directions
as needed. When you have an erection, tell her to stop and
allow your erection to go down. You can do anything you want
to accomplish this— have a chat, give her a back-rub, or what-
ever. Take as much time as you need for your penis to be-
come flaccid. Then have her resume stimulation. When your
penis gets hard again, repeat the above procedure. Two repe-
titions are sufficient for one session.
You will not always regain your erection and, in fact, you
will not always get one to begin with. When this happens, let
her know that it's not going to get hard ("I guess it's tired to-
day; I'd like you to stop"). Then ask yourself what you'd like
to do with your partner. Perhaps you'd like a back-rub, some
cuddling or talking, or to do something for her. Whatever it is,
let her know and see if you can do it. It is quite important that
you master this little procedure. You can be sure your penis
will not always respond; you need to let your partner know
when this is true and be able to have a good time without an
erection.
Do this exercise at least four times or until you are confident
that your erection will usually return with proper stimulation
and that, when it doesn't, you can still have a pleasurable
experience.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
1. Your erection doesn't go down in a reasonable length of
time. This really isn't much of a problem but it does increase
the amount of time it takes to do the exercise. Check to see if
what you're doing while waiting for it to get soft is arousing. If
322 MALE SEXUALITY i
so, do something else. You might even have to leave the room
and take a walk around the house. That usually does the trick.
2. Your erection, once lost, never returns in a reasonable
length of time. Consider whether your conditions are being
fully met and whether you are aroused and relaxed when stimu-
lation is resumed. The problem often lies in anxiety about get-
ting the erection back. If that is the case, try to remember mat
you don't have to do anything to make your penis hard* It
gets hard of its own accord. You only need to remove the ob-
stacles that hinder this from happening. Talking to your part-
ner about any concerns you have about regaining the erection
can be helpful.

You're probably thinking that it's about time for

intercourse. We agree. The next two exercises employ
our usual step-by-step approach, moving slowly from
insertion to intercourse with full movement. You can,
of course, explore insertion and intercourse without
following our method, but be sure you do so in a
gradual, easy manner, stopping to get more comfort-
able when you need to. Frantic or pressured activities
will only hinder your progress.

EXERCISE 19-5: PENIS IN VAGINA

WITH MINIMUM MOVEMENT
Time Required: 20 to 25 minutes

Before beginning this exercise you should make sure your

partner's vagina is well lubricated. You may need to use an
artificial lubricant such as KYjelly or Albolene. Discuss this
with her*
Lie on your back and have your partner sit on your thighs,
as in Figure 11. She should stimulate your penis while you give
instructions and focus. When you have an erection, rub your
penis in her pubic hair. As you feel comfortable doing mat,
rub it against the lips of her vagina (she will have to shift
position for you to do this). When that is comfortable, have her
put your penis very slowly into her vagina. You need not insert
it all the way in one session. Let your comfort be your guide*
Gradually, your penis should be inserted until it is com-
pletely inside her. Then be still for a few minutes* Focus in
your penis and be aware of how it feels inside of her. Then ask
her to move slowly, just enough to provide some stimulation
for your penis. Give her directions on how much to move. Feel
free to ask her to stop moving or to get off if that is what
you want
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 323
Continue intercourse with minimal movement for about ten
minutes. You can ejaculate if you want to when time is up.
It is essential that you be in full control over how much
movement there is. Your partner should understand that she is
not to move for her own enjoyment at this time.
Repeat this exercise as many times as needed for you to feel
comfortable with insertion and slight movement. Then, with
—
you still in complete control, increase the pace which is the
goal of the next exercise.

EXERCISE 19-6: PENIS IN VAGINA

WITH MOVEMENT
Time Required: 15 to 20 minutes

The position and format are the same as in the preceding

exercise. Here you want to increase the amount of movement
you can comfortably handle.
With your penis inside her, give her directions to slowly in-
crease the pace. As you become comfortable with a given pace,
increase it You can move too, if you desire.
Take as many sessions as you need to get to the point where
you are comfortable with any amount of movement

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
You lose your erection during intercourse. This happens
occasionally to most men, but there are some things you can
try if you feel ifs a problem. Check to see that you are re-
laxed; if your penis is still in her vagina you can leave it
—
there and try to get the stimulation that you want moving in
certain ways or having your lover squeeze her pelvic muscles
may do the trick. Or you can take your penis out and get the
type of stimulation you want, resuming intercourse when you
are hard*
If you find that you usually lose your erection at a particular
—
point for example, when your partner is thrusting very quick-
—
ly you can do two additional things. First, using the in-
structions given in Step B of Exercise 18-2, masturbate to a
fantasy of your partner moving quickly in intercourse. When
you can handle it comfortably in that exercise, you'll be better
prepared to handle it In reality. Then, with your partner,
slowly approach the problem activity. Start with a pace that is
very comfortable for you, gradually building up the speed as
you are comfortable with the slower movements. Stay focused
and, should you become anxious or start to lose your erection,
stop and relax, then resume at a slower pace, gradually increas-
ing the speed again. Done consistently, this procedure will
allow you to tolerate and enjoy more and more movement.
324 MALE SEXUALITY
When you are comfortable with uninhibited move-
ment in the female superior position, you can try other
positions. You don't need a formal exercise for this.
Try any positions you want, remembering that the
first experience with a new position may be a bit awk-
ward and uncomfortable. The first few times you try
a new position, go slowly, as in Exercise 19-5, then
gradually work up to a pace which you and your part-
ner enjoy.
There is one last exercise to be done. The chances
are extremely good that sooner or later you will again
lose your erection during a sexual experience. By go-
ing through this under instruction, you can learn some
useful ways of dealing with the situation and preclude
the possibility of its upsetting you when it happens
spontaneously. This exercise extends the understand-
ing you developed in Exercise 19-4.

EXERCISE 19-7: LOSING YOUR ERECTION

Time Required: 20 to 30 minutes

You are to reenact your old erection problem and handle it

differently than you did in the past. If your problem was that
you did not get an erection while hugging and kissing your
partner, then hug and kiss her and see to it that you don't get
an erection. If your problem was losing your erection during
insertion, attempt insertion while trying to make your erection
go away. Whatever the old problem, see to it that you get your
penis soft.
There are many ways of accomplishing this. Worrying
whether it will stay hard, if the kids are listening, or how tired
you'll be in the morning are all good methods. If none of these
work, try pacing around the room for a while.
Now deal with the situation in a way that is enjoyable for
you and your partner. Stick with your partner and find some
things to do that satisfy both of you. These activities can be
sexual or nonsexual.
Repeat this exercise as many times as required for you to feel
comfortable about losing your erection and dealing with the
situation after that. For some men, one or two repetitions are
sufficient. Others can benefit from more.

Once you can handle this exercise with equanimity,

you know you are in good shape. By fulfilling your
 RESOLVING ERECTION PROBLEMS II 325

conditions, you are ensuring that your penis will be

hard most of the time you want it that way. And
when it doesn't come up to expectations or when you
lose your erection in the middle of things, you no
longer have to worry about it. You are now prepared
to have a good time no matter what your penis does.
As time goes on and your sexual confidence devel-
ops even further, you will not need to be as careful
about your conditions. Just don't forget about them
altogether. If you should ever find yourself getting
back into the old rut, if you begin to get tense in sex
(which can happen, for example, when you're with a
new partner) or find that sex isn't as satisfying as it is
now, start being more careful about meeting your con-
ditions and stopping when you get tense, and it proba-
bly won't be too long before things are well again.
 20
Male Sexuality and
the Aging Process
There is no special age atwhich one becomes old.
We start aging and the inexorable march to the grave
the minute we are born. This chapter is not only for
men who are over sixty or who think they are old. It
is intended for all men because all of us are aging and
will someday consider ourselves old, and also because
younger men suffer from the same affliction as older
men —the inability to live up to the sexual standards
that they have accepted.
Sex, we have been led to believe, is for the young
and healthy. We
glorify youth and health, forgetting
that both are gradually lost. We
segregate the aged
and make jokes about them, such as the one that
follows, conveniently forgetting that someday we
will be on the short end of these same jokes.

An elderly man was hoping for some solace from

the minister speaking on the radio. At one point
the minister said that if the members of the radio
audience would put one hand on the radio and the
other hand on the ailing part of the body, he would
pray for healing. The old man put his left hand on
the radio and xeached for his penis with the right.
At which point, his younger wife laughed. "He said
326
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 327

that he was going to heal the sick, not raise the

dead."

Ours is not a good country in which to grow old.

Aging is regarded not as a natural and inevitable
process, full of possibilities and challenges as well as
limitations, but rather as a dread disease to be fought
and staved off as long as possible by all the resources
of modern technology. The result is those who think
they are old or who reach a certain birthday or who
notice some wrinkles often feel unattractive, un-
wanted, and useless. And they are, at least according
to the standards that many people in this society sub-
scribe to.
In discussing a subject like aging it is useful to have
a reference point, a time of life to which aging or being
old can be compared. Although, as we have said, the
aging process begins at the moment of birth, this is
not the reference point that most people use. Rather,
it is the period of life in which most of us reach the

—
peak of our physical abilities adolescence and early
adulthood, which we arbitrarily define as the years be-
tween thirteen and twenty-five, give or take a few
years —that people use as a standard when they talk
about youth and age.
In conformity with this idea, we begin our discus-
sion of aging with a look at adolescence. During the
teenage years and for a few years thereafter, males
—
—with few exceptions are in better physical condi-
tion than they will ever be again. It is a time of seem-
ingly boundless energy, enthusiasm, and exuberance.
You can play football all day, boogie half the night,
masturbate during breaks, sleep for four hours, and
still be up in time for class or work in the morning.

It is not like this for long and it will never be the

same.
Never again will we run as fast, climb as high,
move around as strongly and briskly. And few of us
will ever again feel so strong and healthy. For in
these years most of us hardly know the meaning of
ulcers, high blood pressure, arthritis, coronaries, chron-
ic constipation, and the many other discomforts and
328 MALE SEXUALITY
diseases that the adult body is heir to. Even if we
smoke, drink, eat too much, and sleep too little, our
young bodies are resilient enough not to be too badly
scarred.
Adolescence a time of great physical and emo-
is
tional upheaval. size and strength are attained,
Adult
along with full adult sexual capacity. Hormonal
changes cause an increase of sexual feeling. Sex, sex,
sex —
most teenaged boys are obsessed with it. Mas-
turbation usually begins during this period, as well as
the first sexual experiences with partners.
Boys experience and deal with their budding sexual-
ity in different ways. Some find it more of a curse
than a blessing. Some stick to masturbation while oth-
ers quickly turn to partner sex. Some are so concerned
with other activities or so repressed that they seem to
be almost unaffected by sex. Despite these differences,
there seems to be sufficient uniformity of experience
to justify talking about an adolescent model of sexual-
ity.
Adolescent sexuality, when not repressed or subli-
mated, is obsessive. Nothing else matters as much as
sex —
thinking about it, fantasizing about it, learning
about it, doing it, talking about it. We would prefer,
at least at times, to concentrate on our schoolwork
or other activities, but fantasies and warm tinglings
and erections continue to intrude. We are unable to
control our sexual feelings. It is not enough that we
get turned-on by almost every female we see on the
streets and in magazines and movies, but many of us
also feel the stirrings of flesh and fantasy when we
look at our sisters, cousins, and mothers of friends.
Where, we wonder, will all this lead? Are there any
limits?
In his hilarious and deeply moving account "Being
a Boy," Julius Lester tells of his experience:

No wonder boys talked about nothing but sex. That

thing was always there. Everytime we went to the
John, there it was, twitching around like a fat little
worm on a fishing hook. When we took baths, it
floated in the water like a lazy fish and God forbid
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 329

we should touch it! It sprang to life like lightning

leaping from a cloud. I wished I could cut it off,
or at least keep it tucked between my legs. . But. .

I was helpless. It was there, with a life and mind of its

own, having no other function than to embarrass
me.

Which brings us to the adolescent penis, a penis

that formany of us knew only one position rigid. —
As one man said, "I had a hard-on from the day I
was fourteen until I graduated from college." Whether
we were pleased or embarrassed by its erect state, we
were always aware of its presence.
Refractory periods were something many adolescent
penises had not heard about. A
few seconds or min-
utes after ejaculation, there it was again, as hard as
if nothing at all had happened. And boy, was it

hard! It felt like it was made of steel and would burst

apart if something wasn't done to appease it. But there
seemed to be no way. No matter how many sexual
experiences we had, whether alone or with partners,
the insatiable appetites of our penis seemed unaf-
fected.
The ejaculations were marvelously strong, just like
explosions. Many of us tried to see how far we could
ejaculate, often in competition with our friends. It was
something to see, our vigorous bodies sometimes push-
ing the ejaculate halfway across the room.
The process of sex was quick and explosive. Once
—
we got started and it took little enough to get us
—
going there was an awesome rush toward ejaculation.
We were out of control; passion (or something we
took for passion) pushed us and we exploded in or-
gasm.
That is adolescent sexuality, something many men
look back upon as the good old days. It may not have
felt very good at the time, given our anxieties about
our pimples, girls, whether anyone would notice our
erections, and other teenage concerns, but it did serve
as our experience with adult sexuality. It became
first
a standard against which later experiences would be
compared.
It is also a standard that would be reinforced by
330 MALE SEXUALITY
many sources because, as you may have noticed,
adolescent sexuality is very similar to the fantasy
mod-
el of sex discussed in Chapters 3 and
4. In its obsession
with sex, the functioning of the penis, and the
uncon-
trolled nature of sex, adolescent sexuality
is the clos-
est most men will ever get to fantasyland sexuality
Our first experience of adult sexuality is therefore
similar to the dominant model in our
culture that is
held up as a standard for the rest of our lives.
And that is quite unfortunate because adolescence
is soon over, with the larger
portion of life still to
come. Every day and every year take us further
and
further away from the only models of
sex we know.
Which means that we are but poorly equipped to
deai
with the changes that aging brings.
We go along after our adolescent years, often un-
aware that time is passing and we are aging,
until one
day it suddenly hits us. It may be when
we develop
an illness or condition that we had considered
some-
thing that only happened to middle-aged
or old folks
—such as ulcers, back trouble, heart problems—or
perhaps when we notice that we have
developed a
pot belly, or that we can't run as fast or
play tennis as
well as when we were younger. Or it
may be something
sexual: when we notice that our
erections aren't as
full or firm, that our orgasms
aren't as powerful, or
that we are having sex less
often. Whatever the
exact stimulus, it is frequently a moving experience.

At one point in my mid-twenties, I realized that

my
erections were not as firm as when I
was in high
school. In those days they seemed hard
they were hard but not quite rocklike.
as rock. Now
I couldn't
believe that I was over the hill at
the tender age of
twenty-six. At this rate, I was certain,
I wouldn't be
able to get an erection at all by
the time I was
thirty. With some difficulty, I talked about it with
my doctor. He assured me that nothing was wrong
that I was simply experiencing the effects of aging,
and that I would probably be able to get it up long
past thirty, although might never again be as hard
it
as when I was seventeen. This discussion
had reper-
cussions for many months. I often thought
about it
and tried to make sense of it. I realized that I had
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 331

I would be young until one spe-

always believed that
cial day, like my
seventieth birthday, I would suddenly
become old. It was quite a shock to recognize that
I was already experiencing the aging process. It was a
process that went on continuously, whether one was
twenty, forty, or sixty. I had a strong sense of the
fact that I, too, was aging and that I, too, would
someday die. And I realized that there really were
no special days when anything happened. What
seemed like special days were those on which I
took the time to become aware of how much had
changed since the last special day on which I looked.

Men react to aging in many different ways. Some

retirefrom physical activity in their twenties and nev-
er again do anything more strenuous than walking to
their cars. Others retire for months or years at a
time, then suffer attacks of energy and play five sets
of tennis or shovelsnow for several hours, often caus-
ing themselves severe injury in the process. Still others
—
continue regular physical activity be it walking, jog-
ging, swimming, or something else —
for many years,
not moving as fast in their sixties as in their thirties,
but moving nonetheless. And some of these men con-
tinue their activities well into the years where they
"should be too old to do them" and become local
celebrities.
Sexual changes are similar. Things slow down for
all men as the years go by, but the changes occur at
different ages and with different consequences. Some
men retire from sexual activity quite early in life, en-
gaging in it only rarely thereafter. Others move along
well until some illness intervenes and then they, too,
retire. For others, reaching a certain age spells the end
of sex. It is as if they had heard that there is no sex
after, say, sixty, so they fulfill the prophecy upon
reaching their sixtieth birthday. Still others just keep
on going. They don't function exactly as they did in
their twenties and thirties, but they keep on enjoying
sex in their sixties, seventies, and beyond.
We now list and discuss some of the more common
sexual changes that occur in men as they get older.
Most of them also accompany illness (whether tern-
332 MALE SEXUALITY
porary like a cold or flu, or chronic) and some types
of injuries. These changes do not necessarily happen
at the same time for a given individual; they occur at
different times for different men; and not all men ex-
perience all of them.
1. It takes longer to achieve erection. Since sex is
no longer like a new toy, and since the hormones are
no longer racing through your body the way they did
when you were in high school, your penis is slower to
jump up from its naps. Just thinking about sex or kiss-
ing your lover may no longer be enough. Direct pe-
nile stimulation may be required to achieve erection
even in the late twenties or early thirties.
This bothers many men. They remember "the way
it used to be" and feel embarrassed that it isn't that

way anymore. Some of them come to therapy want-

ing to get an erection "the normal way," meaning with-
out direct stimulation. Sometimes something can be
done, especially if the man is bored with his partner
or is having sex under less than appropriate condi-
tions. But most often he needs to accept the fact
that there isn't any normal way to get an erection,
that it is perfectly acceptable to get one through penile
stimulation from his partner.
The problem many men have in accepting this is
the idea that a man should produce his own turn-on
and not need anything from a woman. For some
men, needing stimulation (or information or anything
else) from a woman means that they are weak and
dependent on their partners. Such is the influence of
our sexual mythology. Here, as elsewhere, we need to
realize that the mythology is just that and not very
useful as a guide for human behavior. After all, why
should we value a spontaneous erection more highly
than one attained through the tender, loving care of a
partner?
2. Erections may not be as full or as hard. This
phenomenon is noticed by some men in their twenties
and thirties, and by many who are older. Some men
play a numbers game, offering information that their
erections are only 60 or 80 or some other percent as
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 333

hard as they used to be. This is understandable, given

the "hard as a rock" model we learned, but has un-
fortunate consequences because it can lead to worry-
ing about what isn't instead of enjoying what is.
3. Ittakes longer to achieve an erection after ejacula-
tion or, in more technical terminology, longer refrac-
tory periods are experienced. Masters and Johnson
found that many men in their fifties and sixties could
not get an erection, regardless of how much stimula-
tion was applied, for twelve to twenty-four hours after
their last ejaculation.
Another related discovery by Masters and Johnson
is that some older men who lose their erections with-

out ejaculating may be unable to regain them during

the same sexual experience no matter how much stimu-
lation is applied. They may have to wait several hours
or longer before again having erections. This phenom-
enon seems restricted to men over the age of sixty
and is by no means universal even within that
group.
4. It takes longer to ejaculate. Ejaculatory control,
a problem for many younger men, often comes auto-
matically with aging. This is not usually experienced
as a problem. In fact, many regard it as a gift, particu-
larly those who were quick on the trigger when
younger.
Not only does orgasm take longer to reach, but
many men past forty find that they have no desire to
ejaculate every time they have sex. They can maintain
an erection for relatively long periods of time and need
not end each experience with an ejaculation. Few men
see this as a big problem, but many are surprised and
a bit discomforted by it. Sex without orgasm is a new
idea for them that takes some getting used to. A
few
men have great difficulty with this, feeling that some-
how they are failing by not having an orgasm. All
that is needed is acceptance of the fact that we have
stated several times: orgasm is not necessary for a good
sexual experience.
Not ejaculating every time he has sex can have
positive results for the older man, since the lack of
334 MALE SEXUALITY
ejaculation means he can have more frequent erec-
tions (refractory periods are usually shorter when
there is no ejaculation).
5. Ejaculation is less powerful. As the male ages, j

particularly past sixty, the ejaculatory process becomes j

less efficient. The sense of ejaculatory inevitability

\

may vanish altogether and the orgasm may feel less

intense. The ejaculate may seem to seep out rather
than being expelled under pressure. This does not
mean that orgasm is not pleasurable, but only that it
may feel somewhat different than it did before.
6. Sex is engaged in less frequently. On the average,
frequency of sexual activity declines with advancing
age. There are many reasons for this decline bore-—
dom with sex, decreased desire, the belief that sex is
—
not for the old, physical infirmities some of which
we discuss later in the chapter.
Despite the general decline in activity, however,
there are important exceptions. Some men have as much
or almost as much sex in their seventies as in their
twenties. And one study reported that about 15 per-
cent of the people over sixty-five in the population
studied said they were having more sex than ever be-
fore.
7. Automatic functioning may no longer be possible.
In order to have good sex, an older man may have to
consider factors he could safely ignore when younger.
He no longer can function automatically; he has to
set the stage carefully for a good experience. Arousal,
conditions, and proper stimulation become crucial.

Whitney, a man in his late sixties who was having

trouble getting erections, had some difficulty under-
standing why he had to pay attention to things he
had never before considered. But, since he wanted
to get remarried, he was open to exploration. A
sur-
prising discovery was that time of day made a great
deal of difference. He almost never got an erection
late at night but, after meeting some of his other
conditions, he found that a good time for him was
immediately following his afternoon nap. He later
was able to expand his "good periods" to include
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 335

earlymorning and evening, but the afternoon re-

mained the best time for him.

Four of the age-related changes mentioned have to

do with erections. This is quite disturbing to many
men who can barely conceive of sexual relations with-
out an erection. God forbid the silly thing shouldn't
get hard! For reasons we have discussed throughout
the book, men forget that they have fingers and mouths
and lots of sensitive skin elsewhere, and also that a
penis doesn't have to be hard to be enjoyably stimu-
lated. Older men, as well as many younger ones,
would probably have more sex and enjoy it more if
only they could let go of the idea that there can be no
sex without an erection.
Why do so many older men retire from sexual ac-
tivity or develop sexual problems? It is easy to jump
to the conclusion that the answer is obvious: the aging
process destroys both interest and the ability to func-
tion. We suggest that this is only rarely the case. Aging
may make things different but it doesn't destroy them.
A man of ninety is probably not going to run a four-
minute mile, no matter how much he trains. But if he
wants to and is willing to get himself in condition,
there's no reason why he can't enjoy jogging.
Although, as we have seen, aging does have some
effect on erections, Masters and Johnson found that the
male "does not lose his facility for erection at any
time." And we have worked successfully with dozens
of men in their sixties and seventies who came to
therapy complaining that they hadn't had erections
or sexual interest in years. It is clear that something
other than biological mechanisms is what causes older
men to give up on sex. It is to these other mecha-
nisms, psychological and social, that we now turn.

We have already said that our society defines

sexuality as something that belongs to the young and
healthy. To most people, sex in the aged seems some-
how inappropriate and is a source of discomfort.
Many of us can't even conceive of a man and a worn-
336 MALE SEXUALITY
an in their sixties or seventies in bed. It strikes us, as
one young man put it, as "gross and disgusting." An
elderly man interested in sex is a "dirty old man,"
while a younger man with precisely the same interests
isadmired and praised.
Older men realize that they don't fit the picture of
people who are supposed to be interested in sex. They
learned the adolescent and fantasy models of sex
just like everyone else, and they know how poorly
they fit the models. Often they are confused because,
contrary to what they have learned, they find that the
feelings are there, they are interested. And many
still

feel guilty forhaving sexual feelings when they know

they "shouldn't" have them.
For some, the easiest way of reconciling the differ-
ences between what they were taught and what they
feel is to capitulate to society's view and suppress
their own feelings. If this sounds strange to you, per-
haps you can think of some examples from your own
life where you felt a certain way or wanted to do a
certain thing but then, realizing that your feelings or
desires were contrary to your image of yourself (as a
"nice boy," "grown man," "mature and responsible
adult"), you pushed away the feelings or decided not
to engage in the activity. In a similar way, older men
often decide, consciously or not, that sex is not for
them.
And they have plenty of help in making such deci-
sions. That they are asexual is reinforced by the atti-
tudes of those close to them. Adult children, for
example, often view their parents' normal sexual urges
as embarrassing and put obstacles in the way. not A
very subtle example was given by a man in his seven-
ties.

He was still interested in women and sex but, for

financial reasons, lived with his daughter. She was
repulsed by his "carrying on" and frequently criticized
him for "acting like a child" and "running around
with loose women." She also refused to take messages
for him if his women friends called when he was
out.
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 337

Relatives, friends, and physicians are often shocked

and do allthey can to remind the man that he is act-
ing with impropriety. As for hospitals and other insti-
tutions in which many of the aged spend a fair portion
of their time, probably the less said the better. Most
such places make no provision for sexual expression of
any kind (even for their permanent residents) and
anyone caught masturbating or having sex with a part-
ner is subjected to inhuman degrees of embarrass-
ment and humiliation.
—
The message gets through sex is not for you.
The elderly are often treated very delicately, as if

they were in danger of falling apart, especially if they

have had any serious medical problems. Sometimes,
the heavy emphasis by the doctor and concerned
friends and relatives on taking good care of oneself and
not doing anything that might cause harm are taken to
mean that the man shouldn't do anything. Since sex
is a something, many think it is healthful to stay away
from it or at least not do it too vigorously. Sometimes
the man, sometimes his partner, and sometimes both
conspire to deny or limit his sexuality, or at least to
keep it from being very interesting. All with the purpose
of preventing the poor fellow from doing himself harm.
Thus far we have been talking about general ways in
which the social definition of the role of older man is
inconsistent with active sexuality. There are also other
problems. Older men realize that they can't live up to
the rules laid down in the fantasy model of sex. Of
course, they never could; but now they can't even equal
the poor imitation they used to do. The results of this
kind of comparison with the fantasy model are often
tragic, extending far beyond the area of sex.

After giving a talk about friendships in old age to a

group of men and women over sixty-five, I had the
opportunity to chat with some members of the au-
dience. One man who had a hearing problem and a
hip injury that necessitated using a cane when he
walked said that he missed female companionship
since the death of his wife, but that nothing could
be done about it. When I asked what prevented him
from befriending some of the women in his apart-
338 MALE SEXUALITY
ment he replied: "Are you kidding? Look at
building,
me. can hardly hear and I don't walk so good. They
I
don't want me. They want a man, someone who is
strong and can take care of them. They don't want
an old cripple!" What is particularly interesting about
this story is that my invitation to speak had come
from the women. They outnumbered the men five
to one and were desperate for some male attention
and company. Not only that, but two of the women
had told me that they were interested in this partic-
ular man but found him unapproachable. He was
so locked into his idea of what a man should be
and what he thought women wanted that he couldn't
see what was happening right in front of him.

There is no question but that many men feel very

bad and apologetic for being old or for not being as
healthy as a twenty-year-old. In the country of the
young and healthy, being old is in itself something many

people feel guilty about, as is being ill. Feeling bad

about oneself is, of course, hardly conducive to good
sex or good anything.
Still another problem for many older men is a restric-
tive view of sex. Having learned about sex when the
Victorian influence was much stronger than it is today,
their ideas about sex are frequently unnecessarily
narrow. Many believe that masturbation is totally
inappropriate for adults and so deny themselves
this form of gratification, or engage in it with a great
deal of guilt. Still more are convinced that sex equals
intercourse and refuse to have much to do with manu-
al or oral stimulation. Which means, of course, that
they view an erect penis as the main actor on the
sexual stage. This is a heavy enough burden for men
who are young and healthy; it is impossibly difficult
for many who are old and in less than perfect health.
They get so concerned about the erectility of their
penises that they sometimes bring about what they
—
most fear erection problems. Because they fear fail-
ure to get an erection or have already experienced this
problem, they stay away from sex.
It is important to recognize that these fears often
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 339

occur in a context of low self-esteem. The man knows

he is growing old, that he cannot do all the things he
used to do, and that society does not see much use
for old men, and he may feel bad about all these
things. His image of himself is deflated; he feels like
something less than a man, less impressive than he
would like. And perhaps he has heard that old men
are usually impotent.
Feeling bad about himself and fearful of being un-
able to be an adequate lover, an older man may simply
give up on sex, claiming to be too old or too sick for
such things. Or he may attempt sexual activity but,
because of his fears, develop problems. This makes
him even more worried, even more concerned if he
still "has it in him." A cycle of failure and anxiety
ensues, leaving him feeling worse about himself each
time. After a while he may come to the probably
erroneous conclusion, perhaps with the aid of his part-
ner, friends, or doctor, that his age or physical condi-
tion is the cause of his problem and that nothing can
be done about it.
There is one other reason for retirement from sexual
activity. Contrary to popular belief that all men love
sex and can't get enough of it, there are men who ex-
perience sex as a burden and engage in it only
through a sense of duty or in order to avoid hurting
their partners' feelings. This is usually not true at the
beginning of a relationship. The newness and mystery
of the partner and the relationship generate a passion
that is often expressed in sex. But as the novelty de-
creases, the man realizes that sex just isn't what he
thought it would be. There are more important things
that require his attention (usually his job or career)
and sex is just more work without a lot of rewards.
Many women will recognize the pattern the man —
who can't get enough sex at the beginning of the re-
interest
lationship but not long after seems to lose all
Some women, as well as some sex ex-
in the subject.
blame on man's presumed nonmonoga-
perts, put the
mous nature or on the woman for not being seductive
enough. We think differently. It is usually the man s
 340 MALE SEXUALITY
unrealistic expectations of what sex can provide and
his limited idea of how he should be in sex that cause
the trouble.
Once a man starts feeling that sex is something to be
endured rather than enjoyed, he's not far from sexual
retirement. In his novel Go to the Widow-Maker, James
Jones gives a realistic picture of sex as obligation.

Grant didn't know if he could. In silence he finished

his drink.Finally both pity and a terribly painful
sense of how embarrassing it would be for her if he
didn't, plus a vague moral obligation which he knew
was ridiculous, plus the fact that she was a female,
all came to his aid. Gracelessly, flat on his back,
. . .

he groped at her crotch a little to aid him. . . He

.

rolled over onto her, stuck it in her, and pumped

away until he came.

With this type of sex, it's no wonder that a man would

rather stay late at work or watch TV. Who needs any-
thing as dull and listless? But he needs a respectable
reason for leaving the field. The demands of his ca-
reer, illness, or old age provide it. His partner can't
complain because it's not that he doesn't want to, it's
just that his job or condition or age won't allow it.
While we can understand why anyone who is dis-
appointed with sex should want to discontinue their
participation in it, the fact is that it doesn't have to be

this way. Sex can be fun. But, because of a rigid ad-

herence to the fantasy model of sex that they learned
while very young, many men see no alternative and
decide that sex just isn't worth the trouble.
One of the saddest consequences of giving up on
sex is that often this means that all forms of physical
affection are dispensed with. Because of the fear that
the partner will want more than snuggling or the fear
of being unable "to finish what I start," many men dis-
continue all forms of affectionate expression hand- —
holding, cuddling, kissing, everything. And this at a
time when such expressions could convey so much car-
ing, support, and affection. Thus the elderly who have
given up on sex often become even more isolated and
discontent.
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 341

While not denying that sexual functioning does

change with age, we have said that there is no age at
which a man should give up sex or at which sex be-
comes unseemly or unenjoyable. Sexual expression can
be a part of your life for as long as you live. There
are no biological or medical reasons for sexual retire-
ment, there are only a lot of cultural myths that cause
lots of older people lots of misery.
While we don't mean to say that you should have
sex— that decision being yours to make — we do say
that there are many enjoyable ways of having sex,
some of which may be new to you. If you are interested,
the relevant chapters in this book can be valuable. All
the suggestions and exercises have been used with men
of all ages. Of course you may have to fight some
prejudices of your own and those of others, but it may
not be as difficult as you think. Societal attitudes about
aging have started to change in recent years and while
there is still plenty of room for improvement, we think
and hope that it won't be too long before being called a
dirty old man will be taken as a compliment.
If you have little desire and/or a persistent inability to
get an erection, and you are on medication of any sort,
it's a good idea to talk to your doctor about this. A
number of prescription drugs are known to have, or are
suspected of having, negative sexual side effects. If a
doctor has told you not to have sex because of a medi-
cal condition, find out more about what that means.
Sex is not a dangerous activity and there is usually no
reason for refraining from it for long, even after major
illness or surgery. If you're well enough to take a
walk, you're probably well enough to have sex. If your
doctor doesn't agree, get a second opinion. If your doc-
tor thinks that men your age shouldn't be interested in
sex, find yourself another doctor.
If you decide that sex isn't for you, that's fine, but
we would ask you to consider if you're getting as much
physical contact as you like. If not, we hope that read-
ing this book has at least raised the possibility that you
might be able to get more without having sex or doing
anything else you don't want to do.
We close with two stories, one of a woman who is a
342 MALE SEXUALITY
relative of a close friend and one of a former client.
Their stories are close to our hearts and cheer us when
we contemplate our own old age.

Auntie Grace, as she is known to all her friends, is

now eighty-four and still carrying on. She has always
liked men and sex, and survived three husbands and
many lovers. Her older sister, with whom she has
lived for the past decade, is scandalized by her activ-
ities. A few years ago, as Auntie Grace was leaving
for a date, her sister started on her usual lecture
about how a woman of her age shouldn't act this
way and what would the neighbors think. Just before
walking out the door, Grace turned and said: "Don't
worry, I won't come home pregnant." When last
heard from, Grace was getting involved with the
younger set. She had just returned from a vacation
where she had met a "nice, young doctor" who was
only seventy-one.

Norton came for sex therapy when he was seventy-

six. He had enjoyed a good sexual relationship with
his wife for over forty years but then had had a
few erection failures and assumed that he was over
the hill. For almost ten years since then, he hadn't
tried to have sex. He and his wife still engaged in
some physical contact but not as much as before,
because he didn't want to lead her on. After reading
an article about sex and aging in a popular magazine,
he decided to see if anything could be done. He had
all the usual, narrow ideas about sex, as did his wife.
Intercourse had always been the culmination of their
sexual activity and they could barely think of any-
thing that could be done without an erection. But
they had a very close and warm relationship and were
able to support one another in looking at new models
of sex. It took only a few weeks for them to resume
satisfying sexual activity. Here is what he said in
his last therapy session. "I guess it's never too late
to teach an old dog some new tricks. Hell, I
haven't had so much fun in a long time. And to
think of all the time we wasted because I was so
fired up with concern about that old pecker. He
comes around pretty good now, but like you said,
not every time. But that's all right, I don't need him
every time. I just like to be playing around with
 MALE SEXUALITY AND THE AGING PROCESS 343

Emmy, and she loves it. I haven't seen so much

fire in her eyes for twenty years or more. And when
she plays with me, it's just like I was back in high
school again. Wow, I just want to eat her up. It's
really good to be back with her again like this. And
I don't intend to stop, ever."
 21
Male Sexuality and
Medical Conditions
You should be warned that we are entering one of the
most confused and least understood areas of sexuality.
There is vast disagreement over if, how, and why vari-
ous diseases and injuries affect sexual functioning and
enjoyment, what kinds of sexual expression are possi-
ble for those afflicted with the various conditions, and
what the patient should be told. Many physicians are
no better informed in this area than lay people and, in
fact, have themselves been the source of much misinfor-
mation and harmful advice. Our intention is to give
you sufficient information so that you can start being a
better consumer of medical services and find out for
yourself what is possible and enjoyable for you.
The diseases and injuries thought to influence sex-
ual functioning are too numerous to be discussed or
even listed here. Some of the more common ones are
alcoholism, some types of cancer, diabetes, epilepsy,
hypertension, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries
or lesions. Sexual functioning can also be seriously af-
fected by what the doctor does for you. Radical pros-
tate surgery, for example, often leads to erection
problems. Some types of back operations may also re-

344
 MALE SEXUALITY AND MEDICAL CONDITIONS 345

suit in sexual problems. Decreased sexual interest

and/ or impaired sexual functioning is produced in many
people by the medications so liberally dispensed in our
society. Some of the most widely prescribed drugs — in-
cluding Valium, the most popular medication these days
— have been implicated in sexual problems.
It is not surprising that so many diseases and con-
ditions influence sexuality. Almost anything that af-
fects the way you feel physically or the way you view
yourself can have sexual consequences. As a simple
example, you might consider what happens to your
sexual desire and functioning when you have a bad
cold, a severe headache or stomach ache, or the flu.
And these, of course, are simple and transient condi-
tions. More severe and chronic conditions involve not
only more extensive physical disability and discomfort,
but also one's view of oneself as a person (e.g., 'Tm a
cripple," "I'm a sick man, not as good as other men").
Even given this, however, it is clear that men are
affected differently by the same physical problem. There
is hardly any physical disability that prevents all men
who have it from enjoying sex. Some diabetics, for ex-
ample, have erection problems. But many do not. And
many men who developed a sexual problem after get-
ting a certain disease or sustaining an injury have been
able to overcome the problem and have good sex. We
will return to this point later.
It is easy to get depressed reading the medical litera-
ture about the sexual effects of many physical disabili-
ties. It is full of gloom and doom, citing statistics
showing higher frequencies of sexual problems for
men with these disabilities than for those without, and
spinning many interesting-sounding theories about the
supposed mechanisms causing the sex problems.
The depressing conclusions in the literature have
been picked up by physicians and the popular culture,
and the "knowledge" has a wide circulation. We
"know" that diabetics have erection problems, that
men with spinal cord injuries can't have sex, that sexual
problems caused by long-term alcoholism are irreversi-
ble, and so forth, just as we "know" that older men
346 MALE SEXUALITY
aren't interested in sex and, even if they are, can't func-
tion satisfactorily. This "knowledge," no matter how
erroneous it is, has consequences.
It has consequences for the same reasons that the
idea that older men don't function well in sex has conse-
quences. The man with a physical disability becomes
frightened. Will he be able to have sex or won't he? His
fears may be so strong as to discourage him from even
trying to have sex. Or he may try but, because of his
worries, bring about the failure he is worried about
When statistics are being compiled, this man may well
be included among those who are having sexual
—
problems which is fair because it is a fact. But then
things will become confused because it will be said that
his physical condition caused the problem. But did it?
Almost everything we said in the last chapter about
the sexual situation of older men is true of most dis-
abled men. The sexual model most of us learned has
no room for sick or crippled participants. Where is the
encouragement for a man with epilepsy or multiple
sclerosis or a colostomy or a spinal cord injury to
think of himself as sexual? And everyone "knows" that
men who have had coronaries shouldn't have sex or
at least should make sure that it's not very exciting.
Like men who feel bad about being old, sick and dis-
abled men may feel bad about their condition. They
—
may not like the way they are "only half a man," as
a man with a colostomy called himself —
and may
wonder why anyone would want to make love or do
anything else with them. They often have special re
quirements in sex ("special" meaning anything not part
of the fantasy model of sex) and feel guilty about them,
just as many healthy men feel guilty about their spe-
cial requirements. Sometimes they can barely stand to
think of their requirements, let alone communicate
them to a partner.

Paul, a man in his forties with multiple sclerosis, de-

cided to seek therapy after twelve years of no sexual
activity. He claimed that his penis was dead but after
a while he found that he could get erections with
prolonged penile stimulation. But he was greatly
 MALE SEXUALITY AND MEDICAL CONDITIONS 347

bothered by his condition. Since he was confined to a

wheelchair and had only limited strength in his arms,
it took some doing to get into a bed. How would a

woman feel, he wondered, having to wait the five

minutes it took him to make the transition? He felt
embarrassed and helpless as he contemplated the
possibility. He was also bothered by the vigorous
and lengthy stimulation he required to get an erection.
He bitterly complained about his rotten luck and
wistfully talked about how easy sex would be if he
could just hop into bed and get an erection without
any help from a partner.

Men who have only recently had surgery or found

that they have a serious illness have another issue to
contend with. In addition to the discomfort and physi-
cal limitations they have to endure, there is the psycho-
logical shock of learning that one really is mortal, a
realization that is often accompanied by feelings of de-
spair and depression. All these responses add to the
man's feelings of inadequacy. He feels bad about him-
self, he's worried about his condition and his future,
and he's not sure what he can or should do. This is
quite a bundle of woes to bring to bed, and it can't help
but affect what happens there.
There is also an excellent chance that the medical
authorities in charge of a sick or disabled man's treat-
ment will add to his sexual worries. We wish this
weren't true, but it is a fact that most doctors know
very little about sex and don't feel comfortable discuss-
ing with their patients. The situation is beginning to
it

change —
most medical schools have instituted required
sex courses in the last decade and doctors are now be-
ing encouraged to attend workshops and seminars on
—
sex but it is still very far from ideal or even good. Al-
most every man with a serious illness or disability whom
—
we have treated and there have been scores had —
been told by at least one doctor that he would not be
able to have "normal sexual relations." Such words of
good cheer served to increase his fears and, sure
enough, he developed sexual problems.
We want you to be very clear about what we are
348 MALE SEXUALITY
saying before going further. We
are not implying that
illness and injury have no sexual consequences. They
certainly do. Nor are we saying that there are no cases
where sickness or injury or surgery has caused serious
and perhaps even irreversible damage to the organs
or nerves involved in sexual functioning. There are
such cases. But we are saying that the number of such
cases has been seriously exaggerated. The fear of being
unable to function and all the other worries attendant
upon being physically impaired cause the majority of
sexual problems for sick and disabled men, not the
condition itself. No matter what kind of impairment
you have, some kind of enjoyable sex life is possible
for you.
To understand why there have been such exaggera-
tions and such confusion in this field, we need to look
at how a doctor typically decides that a man is too ill
or crippled to be capable of functioning sexually. Doc-
tors view the complaints presented to them —
whether a
fever, an erratic heartbeat, an erection problem — as
symptoms of some underlying disease process. Their
job is to determine what that process is and recommend
appropriate treatment. Doctors are, of course, trained
to think in terms of physical disease or injury such as
nerve degeneration or spinal cord lesion rather than
in terms of psychological factors such as the ones we
discussed above.
—
Once a physical cause has been found nerve dam-
age, for example —
the options are often limited. The
cause should be treated, but this can't always be done.
There's not a lot to do about nerve damage, cerebral
palsy, or multiple sclerosis, but one can try to get the
alcoholic to stop drinking and the diabetic to maintain
better control. But if this doesn't help, it is often as-
sumed that nothing can be done. And it sounds so
convincing. Not only can the physician supply you with
a scientific-sounding explanation of why you have the
problem, but he can also cite statistics demonstrating
that many men with your condition have the same sex-
ual problem.
The real problem, however, lies elsewhere. Medical
 MALE SEXUALITY AND MEDICAL CONDITIONS 349
deduction works well in many areas but very poorly
when dealing with sex problems. The deduction game
the doctor plays —
we know that disease X
damages
nervous tissue; this patient has the disease and can't
get erections; therefore the disease has damaged the
nerves that govern erection — is simply the wrong game.

The premises are too loose and inexact. Disease may

damage nerve tissue but not in all patients; we don't
know how much damage is necessary to impair or
destroy a given function, and it is difficult to determine
how much damage has been done; further, even if some
nerves have been damaged or destroyed, others may
be able to take over some of their work. Such deduc-
tions are also wrong because they ignore the many
nonphysical factors that can cause sex problems. The
following example will help you understand how easy
it can be to make a wrong diagnosis when physical

illness is involved.

I found that I was diabetic when I was twenty-one.

A few years later, the first time I had sex with Allie,
I didn't get an erection. I got very worried about
this and didn't get an erection on numerous suc-
cessive occasions. I started wondering what was
wrong with me. Since there was no such thing as sex
therapy in those days, I didn't consider getting pro-
fessional help. But apparently I did all the right
things. I spent lots of time with Allie in and out of
bed and we had plenty of physical contact. My
impotence lasted five weeks. Then, all of a sudden,
all was well and remained well.
Looking back, it's easy to see what caused my
problem. Allie was the first woman I had been with
who was sexually assertive. She knew what she
wanted and made no bones about it. I was scared.
My sexual confidence was precarious and I didn't
know if I could satisfy her. My fear was what caused
my erection problem. It took several weeks for me
to become accustomed to this situation and feel more
comfortable with her. When that happened, my erec-
tions returned.
But I have sometimes wondered what might have
happened had I gone to a doctor for help. Given what
I have heard from many doctors, from what other
350 MALE SEXUALITY
diabetics have told me about what their doctors did,
and from what I have read in the medical literature,
there is a good chance it would have gone like this.
The doctor would have taken a medical history and
focused on the diabetes. He would have checked my
blood and urine. If I were not well controlled, he
would have helped me with that, hoping that re-
sumption of good control would solve the problem.
If it didn't, or if I already was under good control,
he might have said that the impotence was caused
by the diabetes and that nothing could be done. (If
this sounds extreme, you should know that it happens
all the time.) I would have freaked out —
my sexual
career over at twenty-four! — and been unable even
to think about sex without trembling, which would
have ensured that my problem would go on forever.
I have many times thought that someone up there
must like me, for I didn't know at that time that dia-
betes was thought to cause erection problems and I
didn't consult anyone who might have told me.

standard practice should be such that

It is tragic that
this man
can rightly claim that ignorance is what saved
him. We have seen numerous men who sat around for
one to twelve years, worrying themselves into total im-
potence because their doctors had told them that their
"organically caused" impotence was incurable.
The medical deduction game is also called into ques-
tion by the successful results that some sex therapists
have had with men who were told by doctors that
they were too impaired to have sex. The results ob-
tained by us and other therapists with almost every
condition said to lead to irreversible sex problems in-
dicates that there is more hope for the physically dis-
abled than had previously been believed.
Are we saying, then, that regardless of your physi-
cal condition you have the capacity to function sexually
as you once did or as a man in very good health can?
In truth, we aren't sure. Some men have been able to
do so. For others, however, it wasn't the way it used to
be. But the way it used to be isn't the only way to be
sexual. You may have to learn some new ways of
sexual expression, ways that deviate widely from the
 MALE SEXUALITY AND MEDICAL CONDITIONS 351

adolescent and fantasy models of sex but that can still

be enjoyable.

Paul, the manwith multiple sclerosis mentioned earlier

in the chapter, finally gotaround to having sex with a
partner. He was uncomfortable at first because of his
problems getting from his wheelchair into the bed and
the vigorous stimulation he needed to get an erec-
tion. But he learned some things as time went on.
He could ask his partner to help him get into bed,
a practice which both shortened the amount of time
it took and also kept them in close contact. He later

realized that it wasn't necessary to have sex in bed;

it was much easier for him to roll onto the floor. He

also learned some things about his penis. While he

continued to need more stimulation than most men,
he found some new ways of having his penis stimu-
lated that shortened the amount of time required to
get an erection. He also found that he could some-
times have a very good time satisfying his partner
and rubbing against her without an erection. Paul is
not totally happy. He still wishes he didn't have
multiple sclerosis and that he could have sex the
way he did before he got the disease. But he's
much more content than when we first saw him. He's
no longer afraid to go out with women and he no
longer backs away from sex. When he has sex, he
usually enjoys it. Not too bad for a man who had
been told by several doctors, and who himself be-
lieved, that nothing could be done for him.

So what does all of this mean for you? Simply that

ifyou haven't been having sex or have been experienc-
ing sexual problems because of what you have been
told or think is a physical disability, you have some
choices. You can decide that nothing should or can
be done. If you are content with this decision, well
and good.
Another possibility is to proclaim that you would do
something about sex if only things were different, if
only you didn't have a disability, if only other people
had a different attitude toward your disability, and so
on. The "if only" game is common and often very
comforting to those who play it. It places responsibility
352 MALE SEXUALITY j

for the problem on people or factors over which the

player has no control, thus relieving him of any re- |

sponsibility for changing his situation. The man in a

wheelchair thinks that he would get his sex life together I

if only he could walk; the older man, if only he werej

thirty years younger; the man with a colostomy, if only j

he could control his elimination functions.

The "if only" game is also played by many who are
not technically disabled. It's easy to see why when you
realize that we are all deficient and disabled compared j

to the unattainable sexual standards we learned. Many

young and healthy men say they would have more
sex, or better sex, or deal with their sexual problems, if
only they had bigger penises, if only they could prolong j

intercourse for an hour, if only they knew more about

turning women on, if only their sexual upbringing
j

hadn't been so restricted and oppressive.

We are reminded of a high school friend.
Billy wouldn't go out with girls and his friends tried
to help. If only he knew what to talk about, he said,
he would go out. So we suggested some topics and
had some practice conversations. He finally felt con-
fident that he had something to say, but strangely he
still wouldn't get a date. Now he said that he didn't

know how to dance.How, given this deficiency, could

he ask a out? So one of our girl friends taught
girl
him to dance. But he still stayed home. If only he
had a car, all would be well. One of us promised
him a ride when he got a date, but Billy still wouldn't
go out. It turned out that none of the several hun-
dred girls in our school was his type. If only he
could meet the right girl. Billy never did have a
date in high school.
Many years later Billy told one of us that the
problem really had nothing to do with talking, danc-
ing, rides, or any of his other "if onlys." The reason
he hadn't gone out in high school was simply that he
was scared silly of being alone with a girl. She might
not like him and make him feel like two cents. Or
he might not like her and not know how to deal
with that situation. Or worst of all, they might like
each other and then what should he do? Billy dis-
covered on his own that all the reasons why he
wouldn't go out were only cover-ups for his tremen-
 MALE SEXUALITY AND MEDICAL CONDITIONS 353

dous fear, a fear, incidentally, that was only a bit

more powerful than that felt by most of his friends.

There is that sex, like most human

no question but
interactions, can be frightening. Possibilities abound
for rejection, humiliation, and hurt. This is true for all
men, but those with medical problems, because they
depart somuch from the model of men we all aspire
to, much more vulnerable. "Who wants a man with
are
a weak heart?" "What will she think when she finds
out how long it takes for me to have an erection?"
"How can I tell her that I sometimes have epileptic fits
or insulin reactions?"
Questions like these plague many men. And there
are no simple answers. There is always the possibility
that will be rejected and hurt. It is silly to assume
you
that can be otherwise. You will be rejected not only
it

for the reasons that all men sometimes get rejected

but also because of your physical condition. Some
women don't want to have sex with a man with heart
disease, cerebral palsy, a colostomy, or whatever you
have.
So you can sit around for the rest of your life con-
templating how wonderful everything would be if only
you weren't who you are. A
fascinating pastime, per-
haps, but always a losing one, for you will never be
other than who you are and you will therefore never
get any of the benefits that you think would accrue to
the person you wish you were. Sex as you are may well
carry risks of disappointment and rejection but, since
you'll never be anyone else, it might be in your interests
to consider if the risks are worth taking.
Which brings us to the third choice you can make.
You can decide that, whatever the risks, you are in-
terested in a more enjoyable sex life and that you are
willing to find out what is possible for you. This may
be a difficult decision. No one can guarantee you'll get
precisely what you hope for. Even if you put a lot of
time and effort into it, you may not end up performing
the way you want. And your ideas about what is
acceptable sexual expression will probably have to
undergo some revision.
354 MALE SEXUALITY
We're not saying it will be easy and we don't want
to offer any false hope. But our experience has been
that an enjoyable sex life is possible for almost all
men, regardless of the type of physical impairment
they have, providing that they are willing to work on it
and be reasonably flexible about what acceptable sexu-
ality is. You probably won't end up acting like the men
in the fantasy model of sex, but then neither does
anyone else.
If you choose to go on, do the exercises in the book
that are relevant to you and feel free to make any ad-
justments required by your physical condition. The sug-
gestions and exercises here are exactly the same as we
use in therapy with disabled men. You will have to
make some changes in some of them to make them bet-
ter fit with your situation but that shouldn't be dif-
ficult.
It is preferable that you have the cooperation of a
doctor who knows you and your condition, and who
knows about and is comfortable dealing with sexual
issues. Ifyou don't have such a doctor now, we strong-
ly suggest you find one. A local medical school or uni-
versity with a sex program should be able to give you
an appropriate referral. But it is up to you to make sure
that you get the kind of medical care that you want. Be
a wise consumer. Let the doctor know what your inter-
ests and concerns are, ask about his experience and
training in the field of sex, and ask all the questions
you have. Try not to expect him to perform magic. If
you believe that he is not qualified to help you, or that
he is uncomfortable discussing what you are concerned
about, find someone else. You are as responsible for
good medical care as your doctor. Do your part and
you'll find a good doctor who can do his.
If a doctor has ever told you that you should not
have sex, get some clarification. If the advice remains
the same, get another opinion, preferably from a doc-
tor experienced in dealing with sex.
If you are taking medication of any sort, check with
your doctor regarding possible sexual side effects. As
we mentioned earlier, many prescribed drugs do affect
sexual desire and functioning. Switching medications or
 MALE SEXUALITY AND MEDICAL CONDITIONS 355

changing dosages can sometimes help, but this should

never be done without a doctor's supervision.
Surgery is another issue that requires your attention.
If your doctor recommends surgery, you should talk
to him about why and what the potential benefits and
side effects are. Ask specifically how it will affect your
sexual functioning. If the chances of negative sexual
side effects are present, ask if there is another treatment
available or another kind of surgery. Some doctors
don't give much thought to the sexual lives of their
patients and suggest radical procedures when more con-
servative ones would do as well and not affect sexual
functioning. This is sometimes seen in prostate surgery,
where the radical approach through the perineum often
destroys the nerves that control erection while the other
methods of reaching the prostate do not.
Before having any type of surgery, we strongly
recommend that you get a second opinion from another
reputable doctor. Discuss the options and side effects
with both doctors and form your own opinion. Being
a wise consumer will help you get the best possible
treatment for yourself.
If the suggestions and exercises in the book don't
produce the desired results after being given a reason-
able chance, that doesn't necessarily mean that you
should give up on sex or decide to get a penile implant.
Before making any such rash decisions, we suggest you
consult a competent sex therapist.
 22
The Uses of Sex
and Sex Problems
People have sex for a variety of reasons. Even in one
sexual experience, the motivations of the participants
are usually numerous and complex. Among the more
common motives for, or uses of, sex are physical re-
lease; giving or getting comfort, affection, or love;
proving one's popularity, masculinity (or femininity),
or sexual prowess; and expressing tenderness or hos-
tility.

—
The point is simple but important sex has many
uses.What feels like a desire for sex can be something
quite different, as Erich Fromm pointed out in Man
for Himself many years ago:

Intense sexual desire . . can be caused not by

.

physiological but by psychic needs. A person

. . .

who has an intense need to prove his worth to him-

self, to show others how irresistible he is, or to domi-
nate others by "making" them sexually, will easily
feel intense sexual desires, and a painful tension if
the desires are not satisfied. He will be prone to
think that the intensity of his desires is due to the
demands of his body, while actually these demands
are determined by his psychic needs.

356
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 357

We are not implying that sex should be engaged in

reasons. Human
only for certain "right" or "correct"
is flexible and can satisfactorily
serve many
sexuality
While we have frequently said that sex is for
needs.
fun, this formulation is obviously too
narrow, as the
following example indicates.

Peter had sex with a woman he barely

knew and
wasn't particularly attracted to, the day after
his

father's funeral. When asked what led

him to have
that turned-
sex with her, he replied: "I really wasn't
on and had some difficulty getting hard. But I
needed to feel close to someone. Feeling her body
and feeling mine respond helped me feel that I was
alive. purely sexual experience it wasn't much
As a
but it was important in another way. It gave
me
comfort and a feeling of aliveness that I really
some
needed."

Peter certainly didn't have fun with his partner

but
got warmth and comfort during a very bad time in his
life. He had no regrets about the
experience and re-
members it as being important.
But it would be a different story if Peter always had
to have sex to feel alive. A
possible outcome would
be that his penis would refuse to function, which
it

Another possible result

almost did on that occasion.
is that he would have problems with
his partners. He

was clearly using the woman. He was too wrapped up

in his own feelings to pay any attention to hers. Given
a con-
the circumstances, it is understandable. But as
sistent pattern, it might not be either understandable
or acceptable to his partners.
While sex can be used to meet a number of needs,
it has its limits.not appropriate for meeting all
Sex is

human needs and there are needs, which while they

can be satisfied in sex, are best fulfilled in other ways.
When sex is consistently used in pursuit of goals for
which it is not appropriate, disappointment and prob-
lems may develop. In this chapter we discuss a few
ill-advised uses towhich sex is put by men and what
can be done about them.
358 MALE SEXUALITY
Then we deal with the functions sometimes per-
formed by sexual problems. If you have had difficulty
in changing your sexual behavior by following the
ideas and exercises in this book, the reason may lie
in the functions that your present situation serves.
The purpose of this chapter, then, is to help you
better differentiateamong your various needs and de-
sires so that you satisfy them in the most appropriate
and enjoyable ways.

Sex as Proof
of Masculinity
In Chapter 2 we mentioned the tremendous pres-
sure felt by men to continually offer proof that they
are indeed worthy of being called men. The types of
proof required vary and can be almost anything that
—
we and our peers accept as masculine making a lot
of money, talking tough, having an important job,
being good at mechanical tasks, being athletic, and so
on.
And, of course, sex. Sex has long been a major
way of asserting one's manhood. In earlier times, man-
hood could be demonstrated by siring children, es-
pecially sons. While this notion still retains power for
some men, it has been largely replaced by a different
—
kind of sexual demonstration enthusiastic interest in
sex and engaging in it frequently and well. In many
circles, men who show little interest in sex —
who do not
leer at every woman who goes by or talk about their
sexual escapades —
are regarded suspiciously by other
men.
Many of us have known or at least heard of a man
who ran around having sex with a different woman
every night, and more than a few of us have envied
him not only because of all the fun we assumed he
was having but also because of the admiration he in-
spired in us. Anyone having that much sex must be
quite a man. Surely he must possess all the manly
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 359

attributes we feel we are lacking — confidence, aggres-

siveness, unlimited libido, a way with women, and the
techniques of a great lover.
Sexual prowess as validation of one's masculinity is
an equation that most of us implicitly accept and,
while only a few of us would choose to be Don Juans,
it does affect our thinking and behavior. Even if we

don't go so far as to have sex every day to prove

what real men we are, we are tempted to live up to at
least some of the canons of the male mythology, wheth-
er or not we are capable of such feats or whether we
are really interested in them. But we try anyway, just
to reassure ourselves of our manhood.

Otto had been in a bad relationship for several years.

As it grew increasingly bitter and disappointing, his

partner made a lot of angry comments about his

sexual abilities and told him that he wasn't man
enough for her. After they separated, Otto was in a
bad way. He half believed that his partner was right,
that he was no good in bed and couldn't satisfy a
woman. He felt like "not quite a man" and set out to
do something about this. Three or four nights a week
for over a year he picked up a different woman at one
of San Francisco's "body bars" and attempted to have
sex. He was not interested in any of his partners. He
just wanted to prove that he was a man. He was
rarely turned-on and, to make matters worse, drank
a lot to try to still the tremendous anxiety he felt
when with these women. A
perfect set-up for fail-
ure. For over a year, with over one hundred dif-
ferent women, he did not get one erection or have
one good experience. And yet he must have looked to
all the world as the great stud on the prowl.
he was hurting terribly and finally
Inside, however,
decided to get professional help. He soon solved his
problem, but only after he started paying attention
to what he wanted and stopped trying to prove him-
self. He learned that he valued companionship and
intimacy more than casual sex, and stopped going
out altogether for several weeks. He then met a
woman he liked and formed a friendship with her.
As they got close and comfortable, they started hav-
ing sex. There were a few minor problems at first,
but they were soon worked out.
360 MALE SEXUALITY
Otto is unusual only in the large number of un-
satisfactory experiences he underwent in his great ad-
venture to prove that he was really OK. By using sex
inappropriately to try to prove his adequacy as a man
and lover, he didn't get what he needed to have good sex.
Many men equate sexual frequency with masculin-
ity. They have read or heard about men who have
sex more frequently than themselves and wonder if
they are missing something. They think that they
should have greater sexual interest. This notion is
easily reinforced if their partner wants sex more often
than they do. These men are often shocked when
they discover that they really want something other
than sex.

Henry, a man in his early forties, made this an-

nouncement after being in therapy for a few weeks.
"You're going to think this is crazy but I'll say it
anyway. I don't think I have that much interest in
sex. I've thought about it a lot the last few weeks
and realized that my sexual needs have never been
great. I could probably get by with three or four
times a month. What I really like is a lot of touching
and hugging and sleeping next to a woman, but I
usually don't want to go further. I guess I'm more
like a woman in this respect. The problem is that
I'm a man and none of this makes sense. I wish I
wanted sex more often."

Henry had tried to live up to what he thought were

the masculine norms, pushing himself to have sex
when he wasn't interested and when he would have
preferred nonsexual physical contact. His penis
had tired of the charade and stopped functioning.
Both Henry and Otto tried to force themselves to
function in unfavorable situations. They violated their
conditions for good sex and expected their penises
not to notice. Both of these men had to learn that mas-
culinity is not defined by wanting to fuck rather than
wanting a hug or a caring relationship.
Another aspect of this issue is using sex as a means
of dominating your partner. Sex is your show, done
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 361

your way, with you in charge. Your partner can of

course participate, but only if she follows your rules.

A woman friend told us this story. A

man she was
dating insisted on having sex his way, meaning that
he always initiated and always got on top of her in
intercourse. One day, she initiated and after arousing
him, assumed the superior position. He was horrified
and yelled: "Who do you think you are, fucking
me? I'm supposed to be on top!" It looks comical
on paper but that's not the way he meant it. He
couldn't deal with her being in charge and refused to
continue with the experience. Whereupon she refused
to continue the relationship.

The phrase "making a woman" describes the idea

well. —
You "make" her make her submit to your will,
do your bidding. Then you feel like a man. The ex-
ample we gave is extreme in its lack of subtlety and
there are many more delicate ways of playing the same
game: for example, never being interested when your
partner initiates, never following her instructions or
her desires, and having lots of reasons why whatever
she suggests is wrong.
Aside from the fact that such a game makes for a
very one-sided relationship where many things cannot
be explored and experienced, it usually also generates
a lot of resentment from the partner. Not many women
are willing to put up with it anymore.

Sex As Demonstration
or Proof of Love
Sex can be a wonderful way of expressing caring
and love. For many men, however, sex is the only way
of expressing these feelings. We have given
several
examples elsewhere in the book of men who were at-
only
tentive to and communicative with their partners
during sex. This often causes problems.
362 MALE SEXUALITY
Most women want affection expressed in both sexu-
al and nonsexual ways. Many of them say things like,
"Just once I'd like him to show me he cares without
its leading to sex." What do these women want? We
can't speak for all of them, but the desires we have
heard included shared activities, nonsexual touching,
and verbal expressions of appreciation and affection.
You might want to ask yourself if sex is the only
way you have of expressing affection. If for some rea-
son you couldn't have sex for a month, would your
partner know you cared for her? How?
Exclusive reliance on sex to express certain emo-
tions overburdens sex; and, as we have mentioned
several times, the less the burden, the better the sex.
A
different twist to using sex as proof of love occurs
when the man a woman to show that she
tries to get
cares by having engaging in some particular
sex, or
type of sexual activity, with him. It's as if he believed
that "if she'll do even this with me, then she must
care." Some nice male-female friendships have run
aground on this rock, well expressed by the following
example:

Janice and I had a great friendship for a year, the

only good friendship I've had with a woman. We did
lots of neat things together and talked about every-
thing, including our lovers. But after a while, it got to
me. I mean, I thought she really cared for me, but
here she was fucking other guys and going down on
them, and I wondered if she cared enough to do the
same for me. So I put pressure on her and she finally
gave in, but it was lousy. She wasn't into it and I
guess I wasn't either. Our friendship wasn't based on
physical attraction or sex and it just wasn't the right
thing to do. We still see each other but it's not as
good as it was.

Sometimes the man thinks that sex is a good way

of determining how far his partner's interest or affec-
tion extends. At the beginning of a relationship, her
willingness to have sex may be sufficient. Later, the
ante may be raised. "If she'll give me a blow-job
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 363

(or swallow my come or have anal sex or whatever),

then she accepts and loves me." If she won't do it, this
thinkfng goes on, then obviously something is lacking
in her feelings toward the man.
What the man doesn't understand is that what his
partner will or will not do may have little or no bearing
on her feelings about him. She may not want to have
oral sex because she learned that it was dirty or be-
cause she had a bad experience with it in the past or
because she just doesn't like having a penis in her
mouth. On the other side, complying with his demands
may also not mean what he thinks or hopes it does.
She may comply because she's afraid of losing him or
because she was taught always to do a man's bidding
in sex or because she thinks he knows what is best
for her. None of these motives, of course, has any-
thing to do with caring or love.
Two types of problems derive from this use of sex.
First, it can be coercive. Pressuring someone to do
something she really doesn't want to do in order to
prove she cares is a dangerous game. She may refuse,
despite all your entreaties, leaving you feeling that she
doesn't love you, and with no recourse but to break
up what may have been a nice relationship. Or she
may give in because of fear or guilt. Such gifts have a
way of being very costly. She will probably harbor a
great deal of resentment over the coercion. Relation-
ships built on such foundations rarely do well.
A second problem, common to all proofs and tests,
is that there can never be sufficient proof.
Even if
she complies with your requests, will you feel loved
for more than a few minutes? Somehow it doesn't work
out this fray. The ante must be raised, a new test
proposed. And it goes on endlessly.

If you have been using sex as a proving

ground
and want to change, we offer a few suggestions.
Whether you have been trying to prove your mascu-
to demon-
linity affection, or getting your partner
or
thing is that
strate her feelings for you, the important
on your impulses
you begin gradually to stop acting
364 MALE SEXUALITY
to prove anything. These impulses will not immediate-
ly disappear. You need to acknowledge their presence
and do what you can to go in another direction.
Let's assume you have been relying solely on sex
to express all your good feelings toward your partner
and want to expand your repertory. The next time
you feel loving toward her or want sex, don't have
sex. Express your feelings some other way. Give her a
big hug; tell her you love her; share some of your
thoughts and feelings with her; offer to give her a
back-rub; suggest doing something you know she en-
joys; or tell her you'd like to do something for her to
express your love and would like to know what she
wants.
— —
For a while at least a few weeks deliberately ex-
press affection in nonsexual ways. You can have sex
if you want, but first express affection nonsexually.

Make sure that such expressions are not always fol-

lowed by sex. Do this as an experiment and then de-
termine how you and your partner feel about this new
pattern.
You may have some negative feelings when making
Many men reported feeling vaguely uneasy,
a change.
irritated,or frustrated. This is to be expected when
you change a habit. In time, however, the uneasy
feelings will decrease in intensity and be more than
balanced by the positive ones that result from feed-
back from your body and your partner.

Sex As Sensation-
Seeking or Nirvana'
Most of us, because of the fairy tales we heard as
children, believe somewhere in the back of our minds
that there is a way of avoiding all the problems and
hassles of everyday life, of walking into the sunset
and living happily ever after. It's a nice fantasy, but
many people are acting as if they took it seriously.
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 365

In recent years, sex has been advertised as one of the

main paths to that walk in the sunset.
The rewards of sexual experience have been exag-
gerated almost beyond belief. It is the fantasy model
all over again, and with a vengeance. The Joy of
Sex tells us that "Sex is the one place where we today
can learn to treat people as people." Later it informs
us that "orgasm is the most religious moment of our
lives, of which all other mystical experiences are a
mere translation." If all the saintsand mystics had
only known! Many sex manuals read suspiciously like
religious tracts. It is easy to get the impression that
eternal happiness or the salvation of one's soul is what
is being discussed. Sex, or the right kind of sex, it
seems, can unite us with the cosmos, radically chang-
ing and fulfilling our lives.
This line of thought, if it can be called that, is
supplemented and abetted by the attitude well ex-
pressed by Herbert Hendin as the "unquestioning be-
lief in the unquestioned good of trying everything."
There is pressure from everywhere to "search for all
the gusto you can," as one advertisement put it, to
experience every possible activity. Hendin calls it "a
rapacious greed for experience." It matters little if the
experiences are good, bad, or indifferent; the impor-
tant thing is having them, being able to say that you
have done it all. Sex is considered to offer a Utopia
of unexcelled thrills and vibrations, so it must be
experienced with as many people and as many per-
mutations as possible. Nirvana here is not so much a
mind-blowing experience as the sheer aggregate of ex-
periences.
Whichever version of heaven is being sought,
nothing is too drastic or bizarre for experimentation.
Sex with drugs, sex on the floor and ceiling or in the
road, sex with children and animals, sex with urine
—
and enemas everything must be savored. The results
are usually disappointing because the ideas that are
peddled deal with fantasy while real sex is only hu-
man. One is forced either to drop out of the game or
to up the ante by trying something even farther out.
 366 MALE SEXUALITY
But raising the ante never quite does it. As
Gregory
Curtis says in his fine article on sex manuals,
"The
New Facts of Life," "No matter who one is with
or
what ishappening, real sex seems always to be some
place else with someone else." Many people
don't un-
derstand that what they experience can never
equal
what they think they ought to feel. They assume they
should have mystical orgasms, and blame
themselves
for not doing so. They think they haven't
yet found the
right activity or partner or that they are
too uptight to
let themselves experience the
ultimate joy. And the
search continues.
It is tragic that
such notions require comment, but
the need a reflection of the degree to which they
is
have been accepted. Literally millions of people
peer
through countless sex manuals and magazines
looking
for the secrets that will send them into orbit.

b
The first thing that needs to be said is that sex
simply does not have the power that has been attribut-
ed to it. No matter how good it is, sex does not
have
the power to radically alter your life. You still
have to
contend with work, taxes, the children's allowances,
and all the interesting and annoying nonsexual aspects
of your relationship, like who left the top off the
tooth-
paste, how you should spend your weekends,
and who
should walk the dog. Sex researchers John Gagnon
and William Simon put sex in perspective when they
say that "it is by its very nature a dependent
variable.
It is something that is more caused
than causing,
and only through its ties with other human experience
is it given its meaning."
A second point is that even if there are not prob-
lems, sex is only rarely of the earthshaking
variety.
Frequently it is merely pleasurable and pleasant in
a
quiet, lazy way. And sometimes it's just
a physical
release, enjoyable in a small way but maybe
not worth
missing Johnny Carson for.
As for sensation-seeking, it is often a very disheart-
ening and disillusioning experience. Nothing lives
up
to its billing, so newer activities must be found.
In the
process, people often violate themselves by
doing
thmgs quite inconsistent with their feelings and values.
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 367

We recall a man who for four years tried to force

himself to have sex with another man. He had been
heterosexual all his life but thought that his inability
or unwillingness (he was never sure which it was) to
have sex with a man represented a deficiency on his
part. Loving a man sexually was an important ex-
perience he didn't want to miss. When we asked why
he just didn't go and do it, he said: "I'm not ready
yet. I'm too uptight because of my upbringing. I know
that everyone is inherently bisexual but my training
was so strict that the thought of actually doing it
with another man almost nauseates me. But I'm work-
ing on it," We don't know the outcome of this story
but we wonder if the agony and self-torture this man
went through was worth it.

Another problem with the frenzied scramble to ex-

perienceall things is that it sometimes leads to an
inability to experience anything. You can become so
obsessed with the wonders you will someday experi-
ence that you don't pay any attention to what's hap-
pening now. And even if it doesn't go to this extreme,
bizarre experimentation tends to cheapen almost ev-
erything and rob you of the joy of experiencing the
simple things of life. A hug or even the conventional
type of intercourse can seem very dull and not worth-
while if you've been spending the last few months do-
ing it in the road with donkeys and whips.
Real sex is not and never has been a magical solu-
tion. It cannot bring intimacy if there is no closeness
or affection to begin with. It cannot bring joy if you
violate your needs and values.
We are not saying that experimentation is wrong.
tt can be fun and a nice, sharing experience. But not
when it becomes a consuming, labored goal and
when expectations run far ahead of what reality can
deliver.
If you think your expectations have gotten out of
hand, you might want to ask yourself some questions.
Whose expectations are you trying to fulfill? Why are
they so important to you? See if you can attend to
what is happening in your next sexual experiences and
then determine what, if anything, was lacking. What
368 MALE SEXUALITY
would you have to do to make up any deficiencies
you noticed? Are you willing to pay the prices in-
volved? Talking about these issues with a friend, part-
ner, or therapist can be valuable.

Impersonal Sex
Wedefine impersonal sex as sex with minimal emo-
tional involvement. The bodies make contact but the
people do not. There is little curiosity, warmth, caring,
closeness, or feeling of any kind. While the correlation
between impersonal sex and casual sex is probably
quite high, the two terms are not synonymous. A
one-time experience with someone you just met some-
times does include personal sharing and involvement.
On the other hand, a long-term relationship is no
guarantee against impersonal sex.
Impersonal sex flourishes today. It is the hallmark
of prostitution which, contrary to the hopes and expec-
tations of many philosophers of sexual freedom, is
doing a thriving business. It is also characteristic of
the activities of millions of people —singles and mar-
rieds alike— who would never even dream of paying
for sex.
There are a number of reasons for the popularity
of impersonal sex. Often it is not a goal in itself but
rather a by-product of striving for other goals. When
—
the goal of sex is to prove something be it one's
masculinity, sexual prowess, popularity, or liberation
— impersonal contact is the likely result. The proof as-
sumes such importance that the partner, and even
one's own feelings and satisfaction, are lost sight of.
Impersonal sex is also a goal in its own right. It
is tempting as a release from loneliness and sexual
tension. It offers at least a semblance of human contact
without the problems that real contact entails. Many
people these days seem to have sex rather than shak-
ing hands or talking. In some ways sex is easier, be-
cause talking and shaking hands can be risky. They
invite contact and sharing. Whether the relationship
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 369

islong-standing or just beginning, it is difficult to

know how much of oneself to reveal and how much
involvement and commitment to allow. It often seems
safer to hop into bed where, one can hope, the bodies
will do their part and it won't be necessary to deal
with silly and annoying things like communication and
vulnerability.
There a great deal of talk about intimacy these
is
days, but is well to remember that intimacy is al-
it

ways difficult and there are powerful forces arrayed

against it. In a world where constant happiness is con-
sidered a reasonable expectation and where there is
much pressure to experience everything, the complex-
ity, responsibility, and pain of intimacy or personal
sharing seem somehow out of date and not worth the
trouble.
For some, sexual activity itself has become the main
defense against involvement. You may be able to re-
call some examples from your life where you initiated
sex not because you wanted sex but because it pro-
vided an escape from an otherwise uncomfortable situ-
ation. Sex often seems easier and safer than deciding
what you really want to do or working out a disagree-
ment, and it therefore can be more of a running
away from something else than an activity engaged in
because it is attractive in its own right. We agree in
large part with Herbert Hendin's claim that the sexual
revolution "has become a revolution against intimacy."
All of us have impersonal sex at times. Even in the
most caring of relationships, there are times when you
are so wrapped up in your own thoughts and con-
cerns that you really aren't there when sex is happen-
ing. Sex at such times often feels rather blah, but an
occasional occurrence isn't something to be concerned
about.
But there are people for whom impersonal sex is
the norm.

Aldo was forty years old when he came for therapy

because of erection problems he had experienced for
about a year. He exuded sex, something noticed even
by our receptionist to whom he had only said hello.
370 MALE SEXUALITY
He worked young singles and
in a bar that catered to
it was a rare night when he was not picked up. He
had sex with almost every woman he met and al-
most never saw them again. It was easy to believe his
claim that he was a fantastic lover (at least for those
women who didn't want their sex cluttered up by
feelings). Satisfying his partners was always his
main goal and his only criterion for a good sexual
experience.
Involvement of any sort was anathema to Aldo.
He rarely thought about whether or not he liked his
partners. It was sufficient that he was attracted to
their bodies. The worst fate he could imagine was
having feelings for a woman and being with her
more than a few times. Everything had been going
fine for him until his penis stopped performing. Now
he was frequently embarrassed in bed. Everything he
did, said, or implied with women in one or another
revolved around the moment when he would enter
them and give them the greatest sexual experience of
their lives. Without an erection, he was lost.

Until he began to have problems with his erections,

Aldo was a good example of automatic functioning. He
could perform without regard for conditions, arousal,
feelings, or anything else. But then, as so often happens,
the whole system broke down.
It may sound as if Aldo was exploiting women. We
don't see it this way and we don't believe that imperson-
al sex is always, or even usually, a case of men using
women. Women are as implicated as men (Aldo, in
fact^xacely^ initiated contact or gave invitations; the
women came after him and he never promised more
than sex) and usually both partners are using each
other in the same way. They have sex and nothing
else, then part, and it is often quite embarrassing if by
chance they run into each other again.
The only important question you need to answer is
whether impersonal sex works for you. If you are
satisfied, fine. We know, however, that many men
are not happy with it. They do it but are not content
and wish for something better. The human contact it
provides is illusory and the sexual release it affords is
often less satisfying than what could have been derived
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 371

from masturbation. Many men who have tried this

kind of sex find that they often don't function well.
Others can perform but get little from their experiences.
Aldo didn't want to feel anything, but other men do.

One man, very much like Aldo in many ways, loved

to talk about all his sexual adventures. When the
therapist interrupted his rambling account of his latest
exploit by asking if he enjoyed it, the man's tearful
reply was, "No. I feel dead inside."

If you want to change to a more personal type of sex-

ual expression, you need to consider the prices you will
have to pay. You will, at the least, have to deal with
some feelings you have kept hidden, you will feel un-
comfortable some of the time, you will have to take
risks, and you may well be hurt, rejected, and disap-
pointed. The costs must be paid.
If you think you are willing to pay the fare, begin
by getting to know some women and, for a while at
least, stop having so much sex. Do things that are
pleasurable and talk about what you want, as long as it's
not sex. When difficulties and complications arise, ac-
knowledge at least to yourself the temptation to run.
But try to stick it out and work out the problems.
The process is not easy and can't be accomplished
overnight. It takes a long time and you may want to
get some professional help along the way.

should be obvious by now that we believe that sex

It
is only sex and consequently has a limited area of
applicability and utility. This really isn't a problem
except when sex gets used for purposes for which it
isn'tappropriate. There are many better ways of deal-
ing with most issues than having sex. Even when sex is
relevant, it still may not be the best course to follow.
As an example, we return to our story of Peter, the
young man who had sex the day after his father's
funeral.

After recounting the experience presented earlier in

the chapter, Peter was asked if there were any ways
other than sex that could have been used to make
 372 MALE SEXUALITY
"
him feel alive and comforted. He couldn't think of

aX
heln Pe
V?
Pet,r
Ced a fantas
? K*
raL The th rapist
•
y
?
^ ba<* tVSfday
«ave instructions to
er/?,expenence
SS f.
then asked Peter what
he would want if he couW
his feelings on that day
and

JoTwrS h?
tn/^
a thC

Peter got deeply involved

's ?
thin he -ould not ask
«
.father i
be to life).
in the fantasy and imag-
^ brought back
ned himself being held

S^L? ^
by a woman (a cross bf-
aDd Mart1 a WOman he ^wonTy
'

ssrg* •*-«' •** '" —

slightly but was very
attracted to) while he "cried

Peter said he

^
and was glad he agreed to
felt better
f
he eft uT/-i f eVer
R aCt
U*h he felt
' »*%£&
^£ tT «
ything than he had sin he
heard of ,
thetS death He added Aat
St
what 1° ?
he had done in the fantasy
W a y f dea,i g 1 h
fa£s d e a th i hh n havmg
what heh. th u l
thought
J! .
doing
was obviously I
"« feeIin«s abo
sex He was then asked
he would do if he had that dav
*
Y to
-

-
"
live over
again. His reply is instructive.
sounds c ntr adictory, but I
SL
sex sming here ?
sex. ,t would be easy
think I'd have

^ to say that I'd

same
for
wi th
witnj m"°£Z??i
mf
to
PPr
•

°
*
kn
u
ach T
°Ut there
h ° t0 have sex -
Ann [the woman he h ad slept
make some moves and notice her
I Can
"* *"
W
**
easy

resDonse
? W
» w«

««
«*

my nSds^a^-
VT
e„
wkh vou Sff t d ? know how
?° that *
^fantasy I went through
f
Z™£°
to ask someone to
h33 w W ' ,
Can * ask som eone to let me sit
laJ „
in their
to tSl 2 ?Z 8UtS
T My
mother »• ^ally starting

4S-
?
,ke an adu,t an d here I'd
actald. T J Marti,
km5 And
I like
go crying like
her and wanfto
T CTyin * ° n her
IxacUvTeiTf
lke %\
th e best way to start a
doesn't

iV^:
shin Tff f

2,
aS T
,

would understand and would

Im
relation-
talkin g something is telling
hat I'm full of shit, that
both Mom
and Mart!
even have a speck
kind of respect for me,
for the fact that I could fee
8 a " d Cry But b
°y> Wfa en I thS abou
SuaHvT
actually -
-„
doing it, it still seems hard."
'

he fa
re SJ5
maI resorted
man,
at Peter
i
to sex
'
\Very
when other
inte %e nt and sensitive
alternatives might
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 373

have better met his needs is a good indication of how

sexualized our lives have become. The chains that bind
us are, to use a metaphor from elsewhere, as hard as
steel. But they can be slipped out of
or broken and,
as we get free, we are probably going to feel better
about sex and the rest of our lives.

The Uses of
Sex Problems
If you have done the exercises in this book carefully
but have not achieved the results you wanted, or if
you thought you wanted to make some changes but
couldn't find the time, energy, or privacy, you have
three choices. The first is to conclude that nothing can
be done for you at this time and call it quits, at least
for now. The second is to decide that you can't get the
help you need from a book and consider seeing a good
sex therapist. Before you do that, however, you might
want to consider the third possibility, that your sexual
problem may be serving a positive function for you.
Nearly everyone thinks of bad sex or a sexual diffi-
culty as a problem that should be solved. However, and
we realize this may sound very strange at first, a sex
problem may be a solution to another problem. Of
course the sexual difficulty is in itself a problem. It
makes you feel bad and creates misery, but it may
also protect you against something which might be far
worse. Most often the person is not aware of the pro-
tective or positive function performed by his problem
and is shocked when he discovers it. Here is an example
that may help to make this concept clearer.

Harry, a young psychiatrist, came to see us because

of persistent erection problems with a woman he had
dated for a year. It was immediately clear that Harry
was afraid of being overwhelmed by his partner.
She had already talked about living together and
marriage, neither of which appealed to him at all.
But he couldn't tell her about his feelings. He couldn't
374 MALE SEXUALITY
say no to her or anyone else. When asked what
changes would occur in his life if he could get erec-
tions, he said: "There would be no reason for not
living together and she would move in." He was
shocked by what he said but after thinking about it
for a few minutes realized that it was true. When
asked if such an occurrence would be good or bad,
he said, "Disastrous." It was explained to Harry
that there was no sex problem as such. His lack of
erection was more of a solution than a problem; it
was the only way he could keep his partner from
moving in with him (since she wanted to make sure
they were sexually compatible before deciding to live
together). Since Harry was very intelligent and effi-
cient, once he saw what the problem was it wasn't
necessary to tell him much more. He was simply told
that when he found another way of dealing with
her desire to get closer than he wanted, his penis
would behave differently and that he should call
if he wanted another appointment. He never did
call but we received a note from him about a month
later which said only, "Now that I'm saying no with
A
my mouth, my penis is saying yes. Thank you." few
months later we ran into him and a brief conversa-
tion revealed that he continued to be more assertive
with his lover and that his sex life was fine.

We have worked with many men whose sexual prob-

lem was the only thing standing between them and
marriage or some other situation that they did not
want but could not deal with in a direct way. Some-
times the sex problem is used to hide other problems
that would be even more difficult to deal with: for
example, the possibility that the relationship is no long-
er much fun and should either be radically altered or
abandoned. The sex problem is a way of denying the
larger problem and keeping hope alive. The man acts as
if he were thinking, "If only I could have erections, all

our problems would be over and we'd have a good

relationship." So he can hope that a solution to his sex
problem will someday be found (while at the same
time unconsciously subverting any solution) and all
willbe well.
Sometimes the sex problem is a way of expressing
negative feelings that cannot be communicated more
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 375

directly. Negative feelings are part of every relation-

ship, but it often happens that these feelings are not
dealt with openly and are left to seethe in someone's
insides until they are expressed in some inappropriate
way. Sex can provide a means of giving vent to the
feelings, though the person who is doing the expressing
is usually unaware of what he is doing.
Not getting an erection can be a way of saying, "See,
you don't turn me on anymore," or "I know you'd like
to fuck but I'm not going to do that for you." Coming
before your partner wants you to or never being inter-
ested in sex when she is can also express hostility.
The sexual problem allows the man to avoid taking
responsibility for his feelings. He can't take responsi-
bility because he isn't aware of his motives. He honestly
believes that he wants to resolve the sexual prob-
lem so that he can satisfy his partner and himself. But
somehow he just can't seem to find the time, space, or
whatever to solve his problem. That's a good clue that
the problem is serving a protective function.

Marc, a man in his twenties with arousal problems

that had not responded to almost two years of treat-
ment with four different therapists, was at the end of
his rope when he came to see us. He claimed he had a
very loving relationship with his wife and there was
no reason not to solve the problem. Things just some-
how hadn't worked out with the other therapists. We
convinced him to do a variation of Exercise 22-1
with us and he fought us all the way. Nothing, he
swore, would be bad about solving his problem. We
told him that we didn't think we could help him,
given that four therapists whom we respected had al-
ready failed, but, sincehe had already paid for the
session, we could chat a bit longer. We asked if he
had ever felt angry with his wife. His response told
us we were on to something. She had had an affair
shortly after they were married and he was furious
about it. But he had never let her know how he felt.
When asked what prevented him from telling her his
feelings, he replied: "I can't stand it when she gets
angry. That's what she'll do. She'll listen a while, then
start crying, which bugs the shit out of me, then start
yelling and screaming at me, throwing up to me all
376 MALE SEXUALITY
the bad stuff I did to her then, blaming me for push-
ing her into the affair. I hate it when she gets like
that."

Marc's lack of sexual interest allowed him to get

back at his wife without having to be honest about his
feelings or dealing with hers. It protected him from
dealing with anger, something quite difficult for him,
but at the same time was wrecking their relationship.
Marc decided to return for sessions but we never
more
worked directly on we
did was help him express
sex. All
his own angry feelings and get more comfortable deal-
ing with his wife's expression of hers. They had the
worst fight of their marriage about two months after he
first came to therapy. They didn't speak to each other
for a few days after that, then gradually they started
talking about the affair and their feelings for each
other. Not surprisingly, the sex problem vanished and
the relationship became sounder than it had been since
before their marriage.
We want to be clear about what we are saying be-
cause we know that these ideas can be easily misun-
derstood. Asex problem may be protecting you from
something that you consider far worse. This is not to
say that you enjoy your problem, that you don't want to
resolve it, or that you are fully aware of what is going
on. Contradictions flourish in human beings and it is
possible both to want something so much that it hurts
and at the same time to fight tooth and nail against
getting it. Discovering why you are resisting resolving
the problem is a good first step in coming to grips with
this type of contradiction.
—
The following exercise adapted from one devel-
oped by John Enright, one of the most creative and
effective therapists it has ever been our pleasure to
learn from —
will help you discover the obstacles in
your path.
It is not an easy exercise to do. Your mind may re-
coil from taking it asks you to look
seriously, since it

at feelings or issues that are not pleasant and that you

have so far kept out of your awareness. It may help if
you remember that doing the exercise does not commit
 THE USES OF SEX AND SEX PROBLEMS 377

you any further action. You may decide, after de-

to
termining what is in your way, that the price of re-
moving it is too great and you'd rather leave things just
as they are. But then you can at least stop worrying
about your sex problem and get on with your life.
It's best not to read the exercise until you are
ready to do it.

EXERCISE 22-1: WHAT WOULD BE BAD ABOUT

RESOLVING MY SEX PROBLEM
Time Required: Wz hours

Take your pen or tape recorder in hand and address yourself

to whatever version of the question makes the most sense to
you.

1. What would he bad (potentially harmful, negative, de-

about resolving the problem?
structive)
2. What does having the problem do for me (in a positive

3. How would my life be more difficult or complex if I over-

came the problem?

You may find that you can think only of positive outcomes,
likehow good you'd feel without the problem. Let yourself go
through all the positive results, then for each one ask how it
might make your life more difficult or lead to negative conse-
quences.
Spend no more than 45 minutes on this part. If absolutely
nothing comes to you, guess. If that doesn't help, put the
exercise aside and come back to it a few hours or days later.
When you have completed this part, put it aside for a day or
two. Then reread it and see if you have anything to add. For
each item on your list, consider the following:
1. Is the negative outcome you expect a likely probability?
If you don't know, can you find out? (E.g., "Is it probable
that Susan will push for a more involved relationship than I
want the problem is resolved?")
if
2. What
price would you have to pay to deal with it? (E.g.,
"I'd have to teU her straight out that I don't want to have a
closer relationship with her at this point. That would be very
hard for me to say.") Picture yourself paying the price in as
much detail as possible. Back off if you get very anxious, get
yourself comfortable, then start again. You might want to go
over some of the relevant sections in this book for assistance.
Keep dealing with the fantasy of paying the price until you can
actually imagine yourself carrying it out.
378 MALE SEXUALITY
3. Now ask yourself if you are willing to pay the price to
solve your sex problem. (E.g., "Am I willing to tell Susan I'm
not willing to have a closer relationship in order to solve my
sex problem?") Take the first answer that comes to you and
put it in the form of a statement (E.g., "I am willing to tell
Susan that I'm not interested. . . .") If the statement rings
true to you, you'll know what you have to do. If it doesn't
quite sound right, play around with it, changing a word here
and there until you arrive at something that feels right
Just because you know what you need to do is no assurance
that you'll feel confident of doing it immediately. Get whatever
assistance that you think you need, from this book or else-
where.
If you concluded that you are not willing to pay the price,
you might want to check your thinking to see if a more accept-
able price would do the trick. Or you may decide to accept your
situation as it is for now.

If you find that you do not implement your deci-

sion within a reasonable period of time, it's probably
safe to assume that your obstacles have not been fully
dealt with and need more attention. Doing the exercise
again may help. If not, consider enlisting the aid of a
competent therapist.
 —

23
Sex and Liberation
Saying that we live inan age of transition is a clich6 but
is true nonetheless. The values that once gave structure
and meaning to life have been falling apart for at least
the last hundred years, leaving us to play or cry, as the
case may be, in the ruins. The decline of religious val-
ues has had a great influence, but it can be persuasively
argued that traditional sex roles, now in a state of
grand disarray, played at least as large a part in supply-
ing order and meaning
to life.
The crumbling of the old order has both good and
bad aspects. We
have argued throughout this book that
most of the problems men have with sex are a result of
the traditional male role. Forced to bury the expressive,
tender side of themselves and to relate in restrictive,
stereotyped ways, men have not been well prepared to
have real sex with real women. And it goes much
further than sex. Our social scripting has not prepared
us for meaningful relationships with other men, wom-
en, or children, for self-knowledge and expression, or
almost anything else. In short, conventional sex roles
are both impractical and destructive. They are based
on fantasies and illusions, on a world long since past,
and probably contribute as much as any other factor to
our lives ofnoisy desperation.
We are accustomed to hearing this kind of talk

379
380 MALE SEXUALITY
from women. For at least the last seventy years many
women have been questioning their role and trying to
change it. This movement has gathered new mo-
mentum and influence in the last fifteen years. Women
have taken the initiative in examining the whole institu-
tion of sex roles and they have wrought changes that
affect men as well as women.
The fact that women have taken the initiative and
are bringing about vast changes in the way all of us
understand and act is itself a powerful indication of how
far the traditional roles have deteriorated. Men have
taken a very passive position, mainly confined to watch-
ing the women from the sidelines.
The position of men seems similar to that of many
women prior to 1965. Although a great deal of dissatis-
faction was felt by women in the past, they tended to
blame themselves rather than questioning their role.
Thus, women who were frustrated and unhappy
about being home all day with the children questioned
their ability as mothers rather than the idea that all
women should be content sitting at home. There is no
doubt that many men are today dissatisfied with their
lot. We have mentioned that large numbers of men are
not content with the sexual part of their lives, but the
discontent extends far beyond sex. Men are unhappy
about their work and their inability to be successful
according to standard definitions. Many of those who
have attained success realize how little happiness it
brings. But most have been inclined to fault them-
selves rather than the standards and unrealistic expec-
tations society has imposed.
Change is here to stay and its rate will probably ac-
celerate whether or not men decide to play a more ac-
tive role. Sex roles and other traditional institutions
and values are crumbling precisely because they aren't
working. While anything like a men's movement is
clearly several years in the future, some men have
started to question the established order as it affects
them. More and more men are asking if there isn't a
better way. They wonder if it's necessary for men to
suffer from such a disproportionate number of diseases,
 SEX AND LIBERATION 381

to die so much younger than women, to have so many

problems expressing themselves and relating to others.
They admire the audacity of women in seeking to
change their lives, the way women are struggling with
issues that men are afraid to face, and they envy the
closeness among women. In short, such men think that
change may be necessary and positive.
But there is another side to the picture, one that has
to be understood lest the opportunity for constructive
change be lost in a sea of confusion and chaos. Sex
roles and other societal institutions, no matter how
harmful they are in some ways, perform useful and
necessary functions. They provide the framework in
which one can live a meaningful life; they supply the
guidelines for thought, feeling, and action, and the
standards by which to measure oneself. These guide-
lines ensure a predictable and orderly world, thereby
giving a sense of security. These are not minor matters.
When institutions and values lose their influence,
predictability and security are diminished. Nothing can
be taken for granted. Issues that before had been ritual-
ized and therefore made trivial now become subjects
for thought, debate, and anxiety, with no clear guides
for behavior.

A woman told us this story about a man she knows.

He had always performed small courtesies for wom-
en. One day a woman for whom he had opened a
door in a large department store loudly lambasted
him ("Don't you think I can open my own door, you
pig?"), which was quite different from the smiles and
thank-you's he was used to. embarrassed and
He was
gave serious thought to the matter. He decided that
the new order was here and he would have to con-
—
form to it no more courtesies. Things went fine
until one day when he was roundly criticized for not
offering his seat to a woman on a bus. He thought
about this for some time and came to a conclusion:
"There's no way of doing things right. If I act the
way I was brought up to act, that's wrong. If I don't
act that way, that isn't right either. I'm going back
to being the same old asshole I've always been and
I don't care if it's right or not."
382 MALE SEXUALITY
Friends who work in restaurants have told us how
often they overhear disagreements and arguments be-
tween couples, about who should pay the bill. When
opening doors and giving up seats and paying for
dates become subjects of debate and dissension, where
it is no longer clear what is expected or who should

do what, you know the old order is in trouble. And so

are we all.
The world becomes a strange and frightening place
when nothing can be assumed or predicted. A man
used to know that sex would happen, if at all, when he
wanted it to happen, because God knows women didn't
initiate.A man could therefore be secure in the knowl-
edge that nothing would happen until he was good and
ready. But now he has no assurance whatever that his
date or partner won't make sexual advances when she
feels like it.

Despite fashionable talk about how wonderful change

is and how nice it is not to know what is going to occur,
we believe that uncertainty is difficult. Human beings
—
do like variety and some degree of uncertainty there
is no doubt about that — but they like them best in a
context of stability and security, and that is precisely
what is lacking today.
Not only is there an absence of external stability
and order, but the internal guidelines aren't working so
well either. You can't depend on anyone else to fol-
low certain rules and you also aren't sure which ones
you should follow. The issue, of course, is freedom,
one of the most difficult subjects we humans have to
contend with.
To apply freedom to sex means that instead of rely-
ing on rules such as "A man always wants sex" or "A
man should always be in charge of sex," you need to
assess situations as they occur and determine for each
what you want to do. If you realize that you don't
want sex right now, then you need to ask if you are
willing to act on your feelings, even while knowing
that there are people, including perhaps your partner,
who believe in the rule that says men always want
sex. If you decide to act on your feeling of not want-
ing sex now, you have to let your partner know. If
 SEX AND LIBERATION 383

you are serious about being free, you will have to be

honest and say that you aren't in the mood rather than
relying on some external support (like a new rule that
says men don't like sex on Tuesdays). You will, in
short, have to put yourself on the line, and that's
rarely easy.
You will also have to accept responsibility for your
decision. It is conceivable that your partner will not
want to be with a man who sometimes isn't in the mood
for sex. Accepting responsibility in this case means that
you don't blame her or yourself but instead accept the
fact that the two of you have a difference of opinion
as to what men should be like, a difference that may
or may not be capable of resolution.
Of course this is all difficult and that is why, despite
all the flag-waving and speech-making about freedom
and liberation, few people actually are willing to ac-
cept even a small portion of freedom. What is much
more common, and we see it all around us today, is
freeing oneself from one set of rules and immediately
flinging oneself into the arms of another set, different
but no less demeaning and no more tolerant of in-
dividual preference. The current notion demanding
that one experience all things, whether one likes them
or not, is no better than the Victorian idea demanding
that so many things not be experienced. Neither has
much to do with being free. The extreme form of the
current fad of androgyny, which demands that men
express both "masculine" and "feminine" qualities, is
no more liberating than the system against which it is a
reaction —
that men express only "masculine" quali-
ties. The range of acceptable behavior is broadened, but
the coercion remains the same.
Freedom is not free. It has many prices but, then,
so does everything else. While it is a fact that there is
no way of going for free, if you are careful and have a
littleluck you can have a say about what prices you
will pay.And that is no small thing.
Since we live in an age of confusion and turmoil, we
all must consider our situations and determine how
we want to relate to the changing scene around us.
You can decide to try to live by the old rules, but
 —
384 MALE SEXUALITY
you should be aware that this is not without problems.
For many people, the old system didn't work well and
exacted a horrendous toll. Are you willing to keep pay-
ing it? It is also true that the old rules are no longer
as
widely accepted and there will be those people who con-
sider you strange just because you stick to them.
Another choice is to find a new set of rules and
values to adhere to. As we have said, there is no
shortage of such systems and all of them have advan-
tages and disadvantages. Perhaps the chief advantage
of
all of them is that they offer the security
of having a set
of rules. The greatest disadvantage is that they are all
narrow and restrictive in their own ways.
The third alternative is to accept to some degree the
burden of freedom, adopting external rules to cover
situations that are unimportant or where the rules make
sense. This still leaves large areas where you will
have
to exercise your own judgment and be responsible
for
it. It seems that more and
more people are at least will-
ing to try this approach. It is difficult and there
are
many dropouts, but there are also many who are en-
couraged by their progress and plan to continue.
If this is your choice — and obviously it is our bias
this is a good time for making it. While there
are always
sanctions for behaving differently than others expect or
want, there is probably more tolerance for individual
differences today than at any previous time in history.
Not only have restrictive laws and policies been aban-
doned at an unprecedented rate, but there also seems
to be a greater individual desire for understanding
and
accepting behavior that does not fit the standards.
It is also a good time because everyone
is having to
deal in one way or another with all the changes
that
are occurring. We are all in the same boat in this
sense,
which can be a fine basis for understanding and sup-
port. For all the differences between men and
women,
and despite the angry charges and countercharges of
the last few years, it has become increasingly clear
that it's difficult to be either a man or a woman
and
that both share many of the same dilemmas and
aspira-
tions.
As we have repeatedly maintained, sex is not the :
 SEX AND LIBERATION 385

most important part of life. But it is a part and as good

a representative as any other of the larger context of
our lives. The hopes and fears and problems that af-
fect us elsewhere usually also show up in sex. In our
attempt to assist you in enhancing your sexuality, we
have stressed two factors: the need for determining your
own feelings and desires and acting on them, and the
need for understanding and communicating with
others. Both qualities are needed in sex and the rest
of life. Insofar as we evaluate our situation and make
our own decisions, we are free. Insofar as we under-
stand, consider, and communicate with others, we link
ourselves with the rest of humanity. Sex is far from
everything, but it can be a beginning.
And for all that, it won't be easy. We will bumble
and fall and there will be many misunderstandings,
conflicts and frustrations with those for whom we care
the most. It can't be otherwise since we are struggling
to reach new levels of consciousness and relating while
still being mired in the old ways. Old ways die hard

and new understanding takes time. An example we

have witnessed many times lately is the man who en-
courages his partner's independence and assertiveness
and then feels angry and betrayed when she becomes
assertive with him. An example from the other side is
the woman who encourages her lover to be more ex-
pressive and tender and then gets angry when he isn't
more macho in protecting her from other men or
doesn't "take her" sexually. Such occurrences are and
will be common, and it's going to take a lot of goodwill
and trust and courage to try to deal with them.
We close with a passage from the gentle poet Rainer
Maria Rilke, who not only foresaw many of the
changes we are experiencing today but also predicted
an outcome more realistic and lovelier than any we
know. May his words comfort you as they have com-
forted us.

This advance [of women] will {at first much against

the will of the outstripped men) change the love-
experience, which is now full of error, will alter it
from the ground up, reshape it into a relation that
386 MALE SEXUALITY
is meant to be of one human being to another, no
longer of man to woman. And this more human
love (that will fulfill itself, infinitely considerate and
gentle, and kind and clear in binding and releasing)
will resemble that which we are preparing with strug-
gle and toil, the love that consists in this, that two
solitudes protect and border and salute each other.
 Chapter References

Although it is not possible to list all the sources that have been
of value in working with men and writing this book, we use this
section to list those works that are of particular interest for
further reading, and also to document quotations and other
information taken directly from other sources.

CHAPTER 1

While the literature on men is not comparable either in

quality or quantity to that on women, there are several valu-
able sources. Two good collections of readings are D. David
and R. Brannon, The Forty-Nine Percent Majority (Addison-
Wesley, 1976), and J. Petras, SexiMale/ Gender Masculine (Al-
fred, 1975). Several recent surveys of the masculine condition
can be recommended: W. Farrell, The Liberated Man (Ran-
dom House, 1974); M. Fasteau, The Male Machine (McGraw-
Hill, 1974); and H. Goldberg, The Hazards of Being Male
(Nash, 1976). None of these, however, has improved on the
fine work published over a decade ago by Myron Brenton, The
American Male (Fawcett, 1966).
Page 2:
Some of my early work with men is described in my article,
"Group Treatment of Sexual Dysfunction in Men Without Part-
ners," Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 1 (1975): 204-214.
Page 3:
H. Hendin, The Age of Sensation (Norton, 1975), p. 2.
"Your Pursuit of Happiness," Psychology Today (August
1976), p. 31.

387
 388 MALE SEXUALITY
CHAPTER 2
The two workers who have done the most to emphasize and
explore the role of learning in human sexuality are John Gagnon
and William Simon. Their book, Sexual Conduct (Aldine,
1973), is excellent though difficult. A
simpler presentation
of their views is given in Gagnon's Human Sexualities (Scott,
Foresman, 1977), the best textbook in the field.
Page 13:
The influence of early learning on the sexuality of adult mon-
keys was explored in a brilliant series of studies by Harry Har-
low, Learning to Love (Ballantine, 1971). An interesting study
reporting on the initial sexual behavior of monkeys reared in
more normal circumstances than Harlow's animals is J. Erwin
and G. Mitchell, "Initial Heterosexual Behavior of Adolescent
Rhesus Monkeys," Archives of Sexual Behavior 4 (1975):
97-104.
Page 13:
Gagnon, Human Sexualities, p. 118.
Page 16:
N. Mailer, The Armies of the Night (Signet, 1968), p. 36.
J. Lester, "Being a Boy," Ms. (July
1973), p. 112.
Page 17:
B. Cosby, "The Regular Way," Playboy (December 1968),
pp. 288-289.

CHAPTER 3
The fantasy model of sex as described in Chapters 3 and 4
is our own creation. After listening to what hundreds
of men
said they did and thought about sex, we simply listed the more
common The original list was changed several times as
beliefs.
we checked itagainst what new clients, students, friends, and
other rrten said. At the same time, we went in search of sources
that taught and reinforced these beliefs and were quite aston-
ished to find that they were everywhere.
Some parts of the model have been discussed by writers
dealing with one or more of its sources. Among the more
valuable works are: J. Atkins, Sex in Literature (Grove,
1970); E. and P. Kronhausen, Pornography and the Law
(Ballantine, 1959), Part 3; G. Legman, Rationale of the Dirty
Joke (Grove, 1968); S. Marcus, The Other Victorians (Basic
Books, 1966). A
good source of sexual humor is the collection
of Party Jokes published each year by Playboy Press. The
articles entitled "Sex in the Cinema," appearing yearly in
Playboy, are valuable guides to what the movies are doing to
sex.
Two valuable resources for research on sex in literature are
 CHAPTER REFERENCES 389

Robert Reisner's Show Me the Good Parts (Citadel, 1964) and

Norman Ki ell's Varieties of Sexual Experiences (International
Universities Press, 1976). Unfortunately, we discovered these
two books only after the manuscript was completed.
Page 24:
M. Goldstein and H. Kant, Pornography and Sexual Deviance
(University of California Press, 1973), p. 148.
Pages 24-25:
H. Robbins, The Betsy (Pocket Books, 1971), pp. 101-103.
Page 27:
J. Elbert, The Crazy Ladies (Signet, 1969), p. 81.
M. Puzo, The Godfather (Fawcett, 1969), p. 28.
Page 28:
H. Miller, Sexus (Grove, 1965), p. 287.
S. Marcus, The Other Victorians (Basic Books, 1966), p. 212.
"Penile Survey Results," Penthouse Forum (March 1976), p.
26.
Page 29:
For an account of some of the manipulations used to make
photographed penises appear larger than what they are, see
Ed McCormack's fine article, "Maximum Tumescence in Re-
pose," Rolling Stone (October 9, 1975), pp. 56-71.
Page 31:
N. Mailer, An American Dream (Dell, 1965), pp. 49 and 51.
D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover (Bantam, 1968), p.
268.
Page 33:
J. Baldwin, Another Country (Dell, 1962), pp. 152-153.
H. Miller, Sexus, p. 287.
Page 34:
The original description of orgasm experienced as the earth
moving, at least in respectable literature, is found in Ernest
Hemingway's For Whom
the Bell Tolls (Scribner's, 1940), p.
160. The earth moved for Robert, but his lover Maria ap-
parently got even more out of sex since she died each time.

CHAPTER 4
Wedid not think it necessary to illustrate every myth with
literary quotations, although there is no shortage of such
quotations. To add them would only have increased the length
of an already long chapter.
Page 42:
H. Miller, Black Spring (Grove, 1963), p. 85.
From the Broadway musical Chicago, book by Fred Ebb and
Bob Fosse, music by John Kander, lyrics by Fred Ebb.
 390 MALE SEXUALITY
Page 56:
H. Robbins, The Inheritors (Pocket Books, 1969), p. 363.
J. Elbert, Crazy Ladies, p. 256.
Page 57:
D. Danziger, The Devil in Miss Jones (Grove, 1973), p. 32.
J. and L. Bird, Sexual Loving (Doubleday, 1976), pp. 143-144.
Page 58:
N. Mailer, American Dream, p. 49.
M. Spillane, The Last Cop Out (Signet, 1973), p. 162.
Page 59:
D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover, p. 187.
Page 60:
P. Benchley, The Deep (Bantam, 1976), p. 61.
Page 63:
A. Ellis, Sex and the Liberated Man (Lyle Stuart, 1976), p. 35
Emphasis in original.
Page 64:
G. and C. Greene, S-M: The Last Taboo (Grove, 1974).
W. Masters and V. Johnson, Human Sexual Response (Little
Brown, 1966).
Page 65:
G. Sheehy, Passages (Dutton, 1976), pp. 312-313.
Pages 65-66:
H. Goldberg, The Hazards of Being Male (Nash, 1976), pp.

Page 67:
R. Keyes, Is There Life After High School? (Little, Brown,
1976), p. 153.

CHAPTER 6
The concept of conditions has been useful in working with a
variety of situations and problems. There are always require-
ments or conditions which, if met, make it easier for a person
to accomplish his goals, whether these involve good sex, meet-
ing others and establishing relationships, doing well in school
or at work, or stopping some undesirable behavior such as
smoking or drinking.
We were pleasantly surprised to find that even animals other
than man have conditions for sex. A fascinating account of
this matter is given in H. Hediger's "Environmental Factors
Influencing the Reproduction of Zoo Animals," in F. Beach
(ed.), Sex and Behavior (Wiley, 1965),
pp. 319-354. What
he calls environmental factors are conditions.
Page 96:
L. Barbach, For Yourself (Doubleday, 1975),
pp. 43-44.
Page 105:
R. Alberti and M. Emmons, Your Perfect Right (Impact,
1974).
 CHAPTER REFERENCES 391

H. Fensterheim and J. Baer, Don't Say Yes When You Want

to Say No (McKay, 1975).
A. Lazarus and A. Fay, / Can If 1 Want To (Morrow, 1975).

CHAPTER 7

Everyone who deals with sexual anatomy and physiology

owes a great debt to the research of Masters and Johnson.
Their work in this area is reported in the difficult Human
Sexual Response (Little, Brown, 1966).
Page 111:
Our knowledge of penile activity during sleep and upon awak-
ening is largely due to the work of Charles Fisher and Ismet
Karacan. The first article on the subject was by Fisher and his
associates, "Cycle of Penile Erection Synchronous with Dream-
ing (REM) Sleep," Archives of General Psychiatry 12 (1965):
29-45. More recent findings are described by Karacan and
his colleagues, "Sleep-Related Penile Tumescence as a Func-
tion of Age," American Journal of Psychiatry 132 (1975):
932-937.
Page 121:
At least three other workers have questioned the utility of
Masters and Johnson's four-stage response cycle, but so far
their thinking has had little impact in the sex field. Helen
Kaplan briefly discusses a biphasic model in The New Sex
Therapy (Brunner Mazel, 1974), pp. 13-14. More detailed
evaluations are offered by Bernard Apfelbaum, "A Critique and
Reformulation of Some Basic Assumptions in Sex Therapy,"
a paper presented to the International Congress of Sexology,
Montreal (October 1976), and Irving Singer, The Goals of
Human Sexuality (Norton, 1973).
A. Kinsey et al., Sexual Behavior in the Human Female
(Saunders, 1953), p. 594.
Page 129:
Kegel reported on the sexual function of the pelvic muscles in
women in "Sexual Functions of the Pubococcygeus Muscle,"
Western Journal of Surgery 60 (1952) 521-524.
:

CHAPTER 8

While not much has been written about nonsexual touching,

there are a few good sources. Ashley Montagu's Touching
(Perennial Library, 1971) is the best book on the subject.
Other useful works are Chapter 10 of Masters and Johnson's
The Pleasure Bond (Little, Brown, 1974); Desmond Mor-
ris's Intimate Behavior (Bantam, 1971); and for those inter-
ested in touching exercises, Bernard Gunther's Sense Relaxation
(Collier, 1968), the source of the epigraph on page 131.
 392 MALE SEXUALITY
Pages 131-132:
Throughout his book, Montagu documents the unfortunate con-
sequences caused by a lack of touching in both animals and
humans.
Page 135:
Montagu's quote appears on page 192 of Touching.
Page 136:
Masters and Johnson, The Pleasure Bond, pp. 236-237.
Page 149:
Masters and Johnson, The Pleasure Bond, p. 238.

CHAPTER 9
Kenneth Pelletier's Mind
as Healer, Mind as Slayer (Delta,
1977) offers good reviews of the role of stress in modern life,
theories of stress, and some methods of dealing with
tension.
Fensterheim and Baer's book, Don't Say Yes When You Want
to Say No (McKay, 1975), gives instructions
for the be-
havioral approach to relaxation.

CHAPTER 10
Page 160:
A. Kinsey et ah, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (Saun-
ders, 1948), p. 479.
Page 161:
M. Hunt, Sexual Behavior in the 1970s (Playboy Press, 1974),
p. 66.
R. Sorenson, Adolescent Sexuality in Contemporary America
(World Publishing, 1973), p. 144.
Page 162:
Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, p. 513.
The quotation from What a Boy Should Know is given in
Hunt, Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, pp. 69-70.
A good history of attitudes toward masturbation in the last
200 years is given in Alex Comfort's The Anxiety Makers
(Delta, 1967), which also includes descriptions and illustra-
tions of some of the devices designed to prevent "self-abuse."
Pages 164-165:
Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, p. 514.
Page 165:
Masters and Johnson, Human Sexual Response, p. 201.
The Vatican proclamation on sex is quoted in the San Fran-
cisco Monitor, January 15, 1976, p. 2.
Page 166:
D. Reuben, Everything You Always Wanted to Know about
Sex (Bantam, 1969), pp. 189, 190, and 213. The italics are
ours.
 CHAPTER REFERENCES 393

Page 168:
Hunt, Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, p. 90.

CHAPTER 11

Page 177:
"What's Really Happening on Campus," Playboy (October
1976), p. 128.
"Your Pursuit of Happiness," Psychology Today (August
1976), p. 31.
Page 178:
Playboy (October 1976), p. 128.
Pages 179-180:
Statistics on age of first intercourse are found in J. Gagnon,
Human Sexualities (Scott, Foresman, 1977), p. 184; Hunt,
Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, p. 149; Sorenson, Adolescent Sex-
uality in Contemporary America, p. 190.
Page 181:
E. Gambrill and C. Richey, lfs Up To You (Les Femmes,
1976). P. Zimbardo, Shyness (Addison-Wesley, 1977). Al-
though it does not include material or exercises designed to
help readers find partners and combat loneliness, Suzanne Gor-
don's Lonely in America (Simon & Schuster, 1976) presents a
marvelous account of being alone and of "the loneliness busi-
ness."

CHAPTER 12

Although there are numerous books and articles dealing with

relationships, many are silly and full of romantic mythology.
We
seem to know far more about sex than we do about intimacy
and what makes a relationship work. Some of the works that
have been useful to us in thinking about relationships are:
G. Bach and R. Deutsch, Pairing (Avon, 1971); J. Bernard, The
Future of Marriage (Bantam, 1972); W. Lederer and D. Jack-
son, The Mirages of Marriage (Norton, 1968); S.
Luthman,
Intimacy (Nash, 1972); W. Masters and V. Johnson, The
Pleasure Bond; and L. Rubin, Worlds of Pain (Basic, 1976).
Rainer Maria Rilke writes briefly though beautifully about
aspects of love in his Letters to a Young Poet (Norton, 1954).
Page 198:
Very little has been written about male involvement in con-
traception. Three sources can be recommended: Kristin Lu-
ker's excellent book, Taking Chances (University of California
Press, 1975), and two articles, one by Tom Clark and one by
Bernie Zilbergeld, in The Male Role in Family Planning
(Office of Family Planning, California Department of Health,
1975).
394 MALE SEXUALITY
Page 200:
Two studies reporting that male attitudes toward contraception
are influential in the effectiveness of contraception are F. Kane
et al. t "Motivating Factors Affecting Contraceptive Use," Amer-
ican Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 110 (1971): 1050-
1054, and D. McCalister and V. Thiessen, "Prediction in
Family Planning," American Journal of Public Health 60
(1970): 1372-1381.

CHAPTER 13

Of the many fine works on female sexuality, the ones that

have been most valuable to us are: Lonnie Barbach, For Your-
self; Boston Women's Health Book Collective, Our Bodies,
Our Selves (Simon & Schuster, 1971); Germaine Greer, The
Female Eunuch (Bantam, 1971); Shere Hite, The Hite Report
(Macmillan, 1976); and Leah Schaefer, Women and Sex
(Pantheon, 1973).
Page 227:
The Zilbergeld and Stanton survey, not yet published, con-
sisted of questionnaires returned by 426 women ranging in age
from 1 8 to 63 and in sexual partners from 1 to 250.
Page 241:
Kinsey and Masters and Johnson noted the great sexual simi-
larities between men and women. Kinsey's discussion of these
similarities, in Chapter 15 of the Female volume, is a classic
and still worthy of attention.
Page 243:
Greer, The Female Eunuch, p. 36.
Page 249:
The clitoral-vaginal controversy is much more complex than
is indicated in the text. It has become difficult to discuss ra-

tionally because, first, of the Freudian premise that vaginal

orgasms are better and more mature than clitoral ones and
second, because some radical feminists have made it a political
issue. Our own thinking, which owes much to work currently
in progress by Carol Rinkleib, is that many, if not most, wom-
en can train themselves to have orgasms with intercourse if
they want to. A number of women have done this by them-
selves, while others have had professional help. Whether or not
such training is worthwhile is, of course, something only the
women involved can say.
Page 250:
Hite, The Hite Report, p. 135.
Page 252:
E. B. Vance and N. N. Wagner, "Written Descriptions of Or-
 CHAPTER REFERENCES 395
gasm: AStudy of Sex Differences," Archives of Sexual Be-
havior 5 (1976): 87-98.
Bar bach, personal communication.

CHAPTER 14
Page 255:
Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, p. 580.
Page 256:
D. Reuben, How to Get More Out of Sex (McKay, 1974), pp.
55, 139-140.
"M," The Sensuous Man (Dell, 1971), pp. 39^0.
Sheehy, Passages, p. 3 13.
Page 263:
J. Semans, "Premature Ejaculation," Southern Medical Journal

49 (1956): 353-358.

CHAPTER 16
The partner exercise format for developing ejaculatory con-
trol differs in a number of ways from the work of Semans, cited
in Chapter 14, and Masters and Johnson, Human Sexual In-
adequacy (Little, Brown, 1970), Chapter 3, although we
have liberally borrowed many of their ideas and exercises.
The approach that does not use partner exercises gradually
evolved as we worked with more and more men who didn't
have partners or whose partners refused to participate in treat-
ment. Once developed, this format was frequently chosen by
men who had partners but preferred to develop better ejacu-
latory control on their own.

CHAPTER 17
A recent novel by Romain Gary, Your Ticket Is No Longer
Valid (Braziller, 1977), portrays well the agony felt by a man
who fears that he is becoming impotent. The title itself is
of course not without significance.
Page 290:
S. Julty, Male Sexual Performance (Grosset & Dunlap, 1975),
p. 15.
Page 297:
J.Woods, "Drug Effects on Human Sexual Behavior," in N.
Woods, Human Sexuality in Health and Illness (Mosby, 1975),
p. 183.
Page 298:
P. Roen, Male Sexual Health (Morrow, 1974), p. 148.
396 MALE SEXUALITY
CHAPTER 19
The method of resolving erection problems without doing
partner exercises evolved as we worked with men who didn't
have partners with whom they could do exercises. It was later
also used by men who had partners but didn't want to do
exercises with them. Several hundred men have learned the
principles and the overwhelming majority reported that they
were able to follow them when with a partner, with the result
that their erection problems were either totally or largely re-
solved.
Masters and Johnson's partner exercise format is reported in
Chapter 7 of Human Sexual Inadequacy. Our partner exercise
approach differs from theirs in a number of ways.

CHAPTER 20
A number of very good books on aging have appeared
in the
lastfew years. Two
of the best are R. Butler, Why Survive?
(Harper & Row, 1975), and A. Comfort, A Good Age (Crown,
1976). Masters and Johnson's research on the sexual aspects
of aging is reported in Chapter 16 of Human Sexual Response
and Chapter 12 of Human Sexual Inadequacy. We have drawn
on many of their findings for the discussion in this chapter.
Two other good books on sex and aging are R. Butler and M.
Lewis, Sex After Sixty (Harper & Row, 1976), and I. Rubin,
Sexual Life After Sixty (Signet, 1965).
Pages 328-329:
J. Lester, "Being a Boy," Ms. (July 1973), p. 113.
Page 334:
E. Pfeiffer, "Sex and Aging," in L. Gross (ed.), Sexual Issues
in Marriage (Spectrum, 1975), pp. 43-49.
Page 335:
Masters and Johnson, Human Sexual Inadequacy, p. 326.
Page 340:
J. Jones, Go to the Widow-Maker (Dell, 1967), pp. 42-43.

CHAPTER 21

There is not nearly as much good literature as there should

be for the man with a medical condition. Although we have
only seen a few parts of it, Gay Blackford's Sex and Disability
(Van Nostrand, in press) looks as if it will do a great deal to
remedy this situation. Many health organizations, such as can-
cer, heart, diabetes, and ostomy associations, distribute pam-
phlets and articles on sex. A good book for those with spinal
cord injuries is T. Mooney et al., Sexual Options for Para-
plegicsand Quadriplegics (Little, Brown, 1975).
 CHAPTER REFERENCES 397

Pages 353-354:
We, as well as several colleagues at the Human Sexuality Pro-
gram, University of California School of Medicine, San Fran-
cisco, have worked successfully with men with many different
—
ty{)es of disabilities long-term alcoholism, diabetes, several
types of cancer, cerebral palsy, heart disease, multiple sclerosis,
ostomy, prostatectomy, and spinal cord injury.

CHAPTER 22
Page 356:
E. Fromm, Man for Himself (Rinehart, 1947), p. 184.
Page 365:
A. Comfort, The Joy of Sex (Crown, 1972), pp. 9 and 51.
H. Hendin, The Age of Sensation (Norton, 1975), p. 325.
Page 366:
G. Curtis, 'The New Facts of Life," Texas Monthly (March
1976), p. 102.
J. Gagnon and W. Simon, quoted in E. Kennedy, The New
Sexuality (Image, 1972), p. 43.
Page 369:
H. Hendin, The Age of Sensation, p. 336.

CHAPTER 23
Pages 385-386:
R. Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet (Norton, 1954), p. 59.
 Index

31; partner's objections to,

223; as proof of love, 363
abstinence, 63, 183-87 androgen, 241, 298
adequacy: fantasy model of androgyny, 383
sex and, 33, 34; readiness to anger: arousal and, 82; erec-
have sex and, 46-47; sex in tion problems and, 72-73;
proof of, 360 resolution period and, 127
adolescence, 110, 327-30 animal sexuality, 12, 13
affection: aging process and, Another Country (Baldwin),
340; as behavior leading to 33
sex, 48-49; pain in inter- anxiety, 150, 151; adolescent,
course and, 57; sex as proof 330; arousal and, 81, 82;
of, 133-34, 361-64; wom- expressing, 153-54; goal
en's view of, 230-31 orientation and, 42, 43;
Afrodex pills, 300 learning about sex and, 15;
afterplay, 232, 250-51 penis and, 89; sexual behav-
ior and, 39
Age of Sensation, The
aphrodisiacs, 297
(Hendin), 3
arousal: aging process and,
aggression, 49, 57, 58, 95
334; definition of, 80; ejacu-
aging: erection problems and,
latory control and, 265-67;
292-93; male sexuality and,
erection distinguished from,
7, 326-43; reaction to, 331,
111-12; erection problems
332; testosterone and, 298
and, 27; feelings and, 39;
Albolene, 175 female, 252; force of will
alcohol and alcoholism, 82, and, 83; learning and, 13-
88, 150, 345, 348 14; myths on, 54-55; ner-
American Dream (Mailer), vous system and, 81-83;
31,58 penis and lack of, 89; ten-
anal intercourse: in literature, sion and, 150-52
399
400 INDEX
assertiveness: conditions for, character defects, and mastur-
92-95; exercise for, 96-101; bation, 163-64
guidelines for, 101-6; train- Chicago (play), 42-43
ing programs for, 180-81 child development, 132-33
autoerotic practices. See children, as proof of man-
masturbation hood, 358
autogenic training, 156-57 Christianity, 162
automatic functioning, 86, 370 circle jerks, 167
climaxes. See orgasms

B clitoris:development of, 241;

importance of, 241^4; in-
Baldwin, James, 33 tercourse and, 242; mastur-
Barbach, Lonnie, 96, 249, 252 bation and, 242; myths on,
behavior therapists, 70 1; orgasm and, 246, 249,
"Being a Boy" (Lester), 16, 250; stimulation of, 242
328-29 coffee dates, 211
Benchley, Peter, 60 college students, 3, 178
Betsy, The (Robbins), 25-26 Comfort, Alex, 218
Bird, Joseph, 57 comic books, 23
Bird, Lois, 57 communication. See talking
birth rates, 12 about sex
bisexuality, 21, 366-67 conditions for good sex, 79-
blood pressure, 123, 125, 127, 107; assertiveness and, 93-
246 95; definition of, 83-84;
"blue balls" condition, 59, 124 exercises for, 87-91
body: dissatisfaction with, condoms, 198, 200, 201
109; body-rub exercises for, contraception, 190, 198-202
141, 144-46 contractions, pelvic, 247-48
bondage and discipline Cosby, Bill, 17-18, 46
(B&D), 64 Cowper's glands, 118-19
books, and fantasy models, Crazy Ladies (Elbert), 27, 56
23-25, 50
criticism, in talking about sex,
boredom, sexual, 217-20
192, 193
Boys and Sex (Pomeroy), 165
cuddling, 1
Boy Scout Manual, 163
breasts: arousal as learned re-
cultural attitudes: aging pro-
cess and, 335-36; learning
action to, 13; fantasy model
of partners and, 30; orgasm about sex and, 19-20; fan-
and, 246; stimulation of,
tasy model of sex in,
24-25; sensuality in, 131
243, 252
breathing: relaxation exercise Curtis, Gregory, 365-66
and, 152-53; sexual re-
sponse and, 123, 125, 127,
129

Deep, The (Benchley), 60

depression, 184
Catholic Church, 166 Devil in Miss Jones, The
celibacy, 183-84 (novel), 57
 INDEX 401

diabetes, 344, 345, 348 ments exercise in, 283-84;

diaphragms, 201-4 penis in vagina with move-
differences between men and ment exercise in, 285-86;
women, 1 penis in vagina with no
dirty jokes, 23 movement exercise for,
disabled men, 7, 344-55 284-85; statement of pres-
disagreements, 220-23 ent sex life exercise in, 73;
disinterest in sex. See interest using different positions for
in sex intercourse exercise in, 286-
doctors, 337, 341, 347, 348, 287; women's view of, 234-
354, 355 235
Don Juan behavior, 358-59 ejaculatory inevitability, 124-
dreams, 111 125, 266, 267
drugs: arousal and, 82, 83, 88; Elbert, Joyce, 27, 56
sensation-seeking sex and, Ellis, Albert, 63
365; sexual problems and, enjoyment: exercises for, 96;
341, 345, 354 force of will and, 83; ner-
vous system obstructions
and, 82; self-sacrifice for
partner's needs and, 94
Enright, John, 376
ejaculation: adolescent, 329; epilepsy, 163
aging process and, 333-34; erection: aging process and,
bodily changes during, 117- 332-33; anatomy and, 114,
118, 121-22, 124-25; fan- 118; arousal distinguished
tasy model for, 28, 29; first from, 111-12; dreams and,
experience of, 14; first en- 111; emphasis on, 294; fak-
counter with partner and, ing, 53; feelings and, 39;
208; learning about, 258- first sexual experience with

259; literature on, 255, 256; partner and, 207-8; force

myths on, 59-60; orgasm of will and, 83; morning,
distinguished from, 126-27; 111; myths on, 52-53; in
patterns of, 126; pelvic newborn males, 12; tension
muscles and, 130; steps in, and, 151, 154, 155
125; tension and, 82, 150, erection problems, 291-301;
151 and aphrodisiacs, 297, 298;
ejaculatory control (lasting): cycles in, 294-95; losing
arousal level and, 265-67; and regaining erection, ex-
excitement myths and, 54- ercise for, 304, 321-22; los-
56; exercises with partner ing erection for, 324; mas-
for, 278-79; force of will turbation exercises for, 169;
and, 83; intentional quickie masturbation with fantasy
exercise in, 287; Kegel ex- of losing and regaining erec-
ercises for, 129-30; mastur- tion exercise for, 308; mas-
bation exercises in, 169, turbation with fantasy of no
265-76; partner stimulation erection exercise for, 309;
of penis exercise in, 282- masturbation with fantasy
283; partner stimulation of of sex with partner exercise
penis with subtle adjust- and, 305-7; oral stimulation
 402 INDEX
erection problems (cont.) of sex with partner, 305-1
of penis with focusing ex- masturbation with subtle
ercise for, 320-21; partner
adjustments, 271-72;
playing with soft penis ex-
masturbation with subtle
ercise for, 319; partner sex
adjustments and fantasy,
without exercises in, 312- 272-73; nondemand
317; partner stimulation of snuggling, 143-44; non-
penis with focusing exercise
simultaneous body-rubs,
for, 320-21; penile implants 144-46; oral stimulation o
for, 298-301; penis in vagi- penis with focusing, 320-21
na with minimum move- partner playing with sof
ment exercise for 322-23; penis, 319; partner stimula
penis in vagina with move- tion of penis, 282-83; part
ment exercise for 323; ner stimulation of penis
reaction to, 295-97; resolu- with focusing, 319-20; part-
tion of, 302-25; statement ner stimulation of penis
of present sex life exercise with subtle adjustments,
and, 74; testosterone ther- 283-84; penis in vagina
apy for, 298-99; women's with minimum movement,
reactions to, 238-39 322-23; penis in vagina
Everything You Always with movement, 285-86,
Wanted to Know about Sex 323; penis in vagina with no
(Reuben), 166 movement, 284-85; quickie
excitement: bodily changes masturbation with focus,
during, 121-24; myths on, 276; self body-rub, 141;
54-60 statement of goals, 76-77;
excitement phase of response statement of present sex
cycle, 120 life, 71-77; stop-start mas-
exercises: assertiveness, 97- turbation, 270-71; stop-start
101; conditions essay, 87- masturbation with fantasy,
88, determining degree of 273-75; talking and listen-
relaxation, 152-53; doing ing, 195-96; using different
some things you enjoy, 96; positions for intercourse,
ejaculatory control, 268-69; 286-87; what would be bad
exploration of genitals, about resolving my sex
118-19; intentional quickie problem, 377-78; women's
in ejaculatory control, 287; sexual desires, 227-28
Kegel exercises, 108, 261; expectations: erection prob-
from penis, 89-91; los-
letter lems and, 292-93; sexual
ing and regaining erections, boredom and, 218-19. See
304, 321-22; losing erec- also fantasy model of sex,
tion, 324-25; masturbation, myths about sexuality
171-73; masturbation with experimentation, 235
focusing, 174-75; masturba-
tion with fantasy of losing
and regaining erection, F
307-8; masturbation with
fantasy of no erection, 309; faking erections, 53
masturbation with fantasy faking orgasms, 4-5
 INDEX 403

family, 336-37 films, 16, 23, 24, 29, 68, 218

family-planning agencies, focusing, 171-75; erection
198-99 problem resolution and,
fantasies: adequacy feelings 303; expectations in, 172;
and, 34, 35; early experi- masturbation exercise with,
ences of, 14, 15; masturba- 174-75; oral stimulation of
tion and, 168; masturbation penis with, 320-24; part-
exercises with, 273-75, ners and, 171, 319-20;
305-19; sharing of 216-17 quickie masturbation exer-
fantasy model of sex, 23-35; 275-76
cise for,
aging process and, 336-38; foreplay: myths on, 41-43,
as obstacle to change, 70- 50; women's view of, 231,
71; partners in, 30-35; penis 232
in, 26-30; process and goals freedom, 382-83
of sex in, 36-69; sexual frequency of sex, 334
needs in, 84-85 Freud, Sigmund, 164, 225,
fathers:contraception advice 249
from, 198; touching by, Fromm, Erich, 356
133, 134; virginity of sons fusion sex, 65-66
and, 179
fatigue, 82
fears: conditions for sex and,
88; high school, 352; of
pregnancy, 88, 199; virgin- Gagnon, John, 13, 366
ity and, 181 Gambrill, Eileen, 181
feedback: changing sexual gay men, 7, 134
patterns and, 217; first-time genitals: exercise and explora-
situations and, 214; wom- tion of, 119-20; fetal de-
en's desire for, 236, 237 velopment of, 241; male,
feelings: assertiveness and, 94; diagram of, 117. See also
conditions for sex and, 88; specific organs and parts of
erection problems and, 294, organs
295; first-time situations genital tubercle, 241
and, 214; after intercourse, gentleness, 233
250-51; latent homosexual, goals: changes in sexual be-
136; male faking of, 4-5; havior and, 70; exercise for
myths on, 1, 37-40; non- statement of, 76-77; myths
sexual, 39-40; sexual bore- on, 41, 42, 50, 52; sexual
dom and, 218-19; women's problems and, 357
openness to, 236-38 Goals of Human Sexuality,
female sexuality, 225-39; The (Singer), 248
anatomy and, 240-45; ex- Goldberg, Herb, 64-65
ercise on, 227-28; literature Goldstein, Michael, 24
on, 5; male domination of, Go to the Widow-Maker
227; male ignorance of, (Jones), 341
225; myths on, 1 Greer, Germaine, 243
feminists, 30, 243 group sex, 64
fetal development, 241 guilt: arousal and, 82; asser-
fighting, 49 tiveness and, 100; erection
 404 INDEX
guilt (cont.)
problems and, 294; mastur-
bation and, 160-62, 166;
impersonal sex, 368-73
nonsimultaneous body-rub implants, penile, 298-301
exercise and, 147
impotence, 73, 110, 290, 291
See also erection problems
infants, and touching, 132
Inheritors, The (Robbins), 27
inhibitions, 235
hand stimulation: female
insanity, 164
orgasm and, 250; inter-
instinctive sexual behavior,
course myths and, 51, 52 13
intercourse: afterplay and,
hardness of penis, 27, 28
250-51; anal, see anal inter-
Hazards of Being Male
course; female anatomy
(Goldberg), 65, 66
and, 242; as goal in sex, 42-
head of penis, 118, 241
43; learning and, 12, 13;
health, and arousal, 82, 88
masturbation as substitute
health professionals, 19-20
for, 166; as "normal"
heart rate, 123, 125, 126, 246 sex-
uality, 50-52; simultaneity
Hendin, Herbert, 3, 365, 369
in, 206; touching
high school, 67, 352 as first
step toward, 134-35
homosexuality, 7; experimen-
interest in sex: abstinence
tation with, and,
366;physical 183-84; statement of pres-
contact and feelings of, 136;
ent sex life exercise and,
sexual possibilities open to,
72-73; surveys on, 3-4
51
intimacy, 369
hormones: aging and, 328; Is There Life After High
erection problems and, 298; School? (Keyes), 67
fetal development and, 241 It's Up to You
(Gambrill and
hostility, 74 Richey), 181
How to Get More out of Sex IUDs, 198, 199, 200
(Reuben), 256
hugging: as behavior leading
to sex, 48, 49; importance
of, 132, 133; need for, 40 Jewish religious thought, 162
Human Sexuality Program, Johnson, Virginia. See Mas-
University of California, ters and Johnson
San Francisco, 180 jokes, sexual, 23, 27, 31-32,
Human Sexual Inadequacy 41, 225, 326-27
(Masters and Johnson), Jones, James, 340
283, 286 Joy of Sex, The (Comfort),
Human Sexual Response 218, 365
(Masters and Johnson), Julty, Sam, 290
120
humor, 23, 24
Hunt, Morton, 161, 168, 169
hydraulic penile implants, Kant, Harold, 24
299-300 Kegel, Arnold, 129
 INDEX 405

Kegel exercises, 129-30, 261 Mann, Jay, 40

Keyes, Ralph, 67 Marcus, Steven, 28
Kinsey, Alfred: on breast masculinity: learning and, 16;
stimulation, 252; on clitoris, myths on, 4, 5; sex as proof
241; masturbation studies of, 358-61, 369; touching
of, 160-62, 164, 165; on in childhood and, 133
multiple orgasms, 248; on massage, 142, 213
premature ejaculation, 255; massage oils, 176, 297
on sexual response, 121 Masters, William, and John-
kissing, 48, 50 son, Virginia, 50; aging pro-
KY jelly, 175 cess discussed by, 333, 335;
clitoris discussed by, 241;
ejaculation patterns dis-
cussed by, 126; ejaculatory
control exercises devised by,
Lady Chatterley's Lover 277, 280-81; erection prob-
(Lawrence), 31 lem resolution discussed by,
Last Cop Out, The (Spillane), 311; female response cycle
58-59 discussed by, 64, 245-48;
lasting. See ejaculatory control male response cycle dis-
(lasting) cussed by, 120, 121; mas-
Lawrence, D. H., 31, 59, 128 turbation discussed by, 165;
learning about sex, 12-22; premature ejaculation dis-
ejaculations and, 259; cussed by, 258, 263, 266;
myths and, 67; "natural- touching discussed by, 137,
ness" of sex and, 60-62 149
Lester, Julius, 16-17, 328-29 masturbation, 160-75, 222;
liberation, and sex, 368, 369, abstinence and, 186; ade-
379-86 quacy as lover and, 34; ado-
lips, vaginal, 242-43, 246 lescence and, 328; aging
listening exercise, 195-96 process and restrictive view
literature: sexual boredom of, 338; conditions for, 93;
and, 218; women in, 5, 225 definition of 160-61; early
loneliness, 168, 186 experiences of, 13-14; erec-
love, sex as proof of, 361-64 tion problem resolution
"lover's nuts" condition, 59, and, 303-4; focusing in,
124 171-75; Kinsey on, 161-65;
lubrication: masturbation and, lack of orgasm and, 251;
175-76; vaginal, 245 lubrication in, 175-76;
men's attitudes on, 167-68;
methods of, 170-71; newer
M views on, 164-67; prohibi-
tion against, 163-64; pun-
magazines, 16, 28, 29 ishment for, 163; reasons
Mailer, Norman, 16, 31, 58 for, 169, 170, women's, 242
Male Sexual Health (Roen), masturbation exercises: with
298 fantasy of losing and re-
Man for Himself (Fromm), gaining erection, 308-9;
356 with fantasy of no erection,
 406 INDEX
masturbation exercises {com.) contact leading to sex in,
309-10; with fantasy of sex 48-49; readiness to have sex
with partner, 305-7; with in, 47-48, 202-3, 205-6; sex
focusing, 174-75; quickie
equals intercourse in, 50-
exercise with focus, 275-76;
52, 206; sexual differences
stop-start, 270-72; stop-start
between men and women
exercise with fantasy, 273- in, 1-2; sexual revolution
275; with subtle adjust- and effects of, 62-67; state-
ments, 272-73; with subtle ment of present sex life ex-
adjustments and fantasy, ercise and, 75, 76; working
275 out disagreements and,
medical conditions, and sex, 222-23
341, 344-55
medical schools, 347
meditation, 154 N
mental illness, 163, 164
Miller, Henry, 28, 33, 42, 63, naturalness of sex myth, 60-
91 62
missionary position, 235 needs: fantasy sexual model
monkeys, 13 and, 84-85; feelings and,
Montagu, Ashley, 135 39-40; self-sacrifices and,

morning erections, 111 94

mortality rates, 132 negative feelings: expression
mothers, and touching, of, 155-56; masturbation
132-
133 and, 160
mourning, 74 nervous system, and arousal,
mouth stimulation. See oral
81-83
sex nervous tension. See tension
movies, 16, 23, 24, 29, 68, 218 neurotic disorders: female
multiple orgasms: emphasis sexuality and, 243; mastur-
on, 249; fantasy model of bation and, 162-63; pre-
sex and, 34-35; male, 248, mature ejaculation and, 260
249; possibility of, 248; sex-
newborn males, 12
ual liberation and, 64 "New Facts of Life, The"
multiple sclerosis, 344, 346- (Curtis), 365-66
347, 351
newspapers, 16
muscle, penis incorrectly nipple erection, 123
viewed as, 27, 118 nondemand snuggling exer-
myths about sexuality: condi- 143
cise,

tions for good sex and, 91; nonverbal communication,

erections necessary for sex 107, 190
in, 53-54, 256; excitement
terminating in orgasms in,
54-60; feelings in, 37-40;
man dominant partner in,
as obsession with sex, 328-29
44-46; naturalness and ointments, 259-60
spontaneity of sex in, 60- open relationships: cultural
62; penis 113-14; per-
in, attitudes toward, 19-20;
formance, 40-44; physical sexual liberation and, 63-64
 INDEX 407

oral sex: choice of, 206; fe- perience with, 207-14; last-
male orgasm and, 250; in- ing and, 257-58; nondemand
tercourse myths and, 52; snuggling exercise with,
oral stimulation of penis 143; nonsimultaneous body-
with focusing exercise and, rub exercise with, 144-46;
320-21; as proof of love, self body-rub exercise with,

362-63; women's view of, 141_42; sex as male obliga-

235 tion toward, 340; sex as

orgasmic platform, 246 proof of love to, 361-62;

sexual boredom and, 217-
orgasms, female: clitoral-
220; sexual choices and say-
vaginal controversy in, 250-
ing no to sex and, 202-7;
251; contractions during,
statement of goals and, 76-
247, 248; male responsibil-
myths on 2; 77; talking about sex with,
ity for, 6; 1,
189-97; working out dis-
necessity 233-34; not
of,
agreements with, 220-24
having, 246-47, 250; phys-
Passages (Sheehy), 65, 86
ical changes during, 245-52
passion, 55, 61-62
orgasms, male: control of body
passive behavior in sex, 72,
during, 127-28; ejaculation
distinguished from, 126-27; 142, 143
excitement myths and, 54- Pearl, The, 28
60; faking of, 4-5; as goal pelvic muscles, 129, 130, 261,
in sex, 41; lasting power 262
and, 73; learning about sex penetration myths, 57, 65
and, 20; multiple, see mul- penis, anatomy of, 113-19;
tiple orgasms; as phase of clitoral stimulation by, 242;
response cycle, 120; as re- as focus of sex, 109; dia-
ligious moment, 365; simul- gram of, 117; exercise for
taneous, 206; sleep and, exploration of, 119-20; fan-
127; tension and, 155, 156 tasy model of sex and, 26-
30; feelings about, 112-13;
female orgasm and, 249-50;
hardness of, 27; implants
for, 298-301; Kegel exer-
pain, 1, 57, 58 cises for, 130; letter from
and virginity, 178, (in exercise), 89; myths on,
parents,
179 1, 2; names given to, 28
nervous system and, 81, 82
partners: assertiveness and, 93-
size of, see size of penis
95; changing sexual patterns
staying power of, 27-30
and, 214-15; contraception
variety of shapes and sizes
and, 198-202; ejaculatory
of, 114
control exercises and, 278-
289; erection problem ex- Penthouse (magazine), 30
ercises with, 317-25; erec- performance: conditions and,
tionproblem resolution 88; first sexual experience
without exercises with, 311- and, 207-8; lasting and,
317; fantasy model of sex 255-56; myths on, 40-44,
and, 30-35; first sexual ex- 52; virginity and, 181; worn-
408 INDEX
performance (cont.) prostitution, 368
en's view of, 230-32, 234- prostate gland, 118, 119, 125
236 prostate surgery, 344, 355
perineum, 119 Psychology Today (maga-
petroleum jelly, 176 zine), 3, 177
physical abnormalities, and pulse, 127
masturbation, 164
physical aspects of sex, 108-
130
physical examination, 77
pills, birth control, 198-202 quickie ejaculatory control ex-
plateau phase of response ercise, 287
cycle, 120, 266 quickie masturbation with fo-
Playboy (magazine), 30, 177, cus exercise, 275-76
178, 180
Pleasure Bond, The (Masters
and Johnson), 137
Pomeroy, Wardell, 165
popular literature, 23, 24, 50 readiness to have sex, 47-48
pornography: erections in, refractory period, 248; ado-
114; fantasy models of sex lescent, 329; bodily changes
in, 23, 24; orgasms in, 34, during, 128; fantasy models
64; penile size in, 28; phys- of, 28-30
ical contact leading to sex
rejection: assertiveness and,
in, 48-49; sexual boredom
99, 103; sexual choices and,
in, 218
203, 204; virginity and, 182
Pornography and Sexual De-
relationships: changing sexual
viance (Goldstein and
patterns in, 214-17; myths
Kant), 24
on, 1; sexual boredom and,
positions, sexual: clitoral
217-20; statement of goals
stimulation and, 242, 243;
exercise and, 78; touching
ejaculatory control exercise
in, 137-38; use of sex prob-
and, 287; women's view of,
lems in, 373-78. See also
234-35
partners
preferences, sexual, 236-37
relaxation, 150-58; exercises
pregnancy, fears of, 88, 199;
for, 152-54; expressing anx-
unwanted, 199
iety and, 154-55; mastur-
premature ejaculation: causes
bation and, 173; sex and,
of, 259, 260; definition of,
150-51; talking out prob-
258; excitement myths and,
lems and, 155-57; tension
55-56; feelings and, 39; lit-
indicators and, 151-52;
erature on, 255-57; solu-
tions to, 260-64; statement
transition from work to

of present sex life exercise

home and, 157, 158
and, 73; surveys on, 3-4, religion, and masturbation,
255 162, 163, 168
priapism, 297 resolution period, 120, 127-28
privacy, 197 respiration, 123, 125, 246
 INDEX 409

response cycles: female, 245- sexual revolution, 62-67, 368

252; male, 120-22 shame, 160, 168
Reuben, David, 20, 166, 256, sharing: of fantasies, 216-17;
258 female sexuality and, 229,
Richey, Cheryl, 181 231
Rilke, Rainer Maria, 385-86 Sheehy, Gail, 65, 256
Robbins, Harold, 25-27, 56, Shyness (Zimbardo), 181
91, 233 Simon, William, 366
Roen, Phillip, 298 simultaneous orgasm, 206
roles, sex, 381 Singer, Irving, 248
69 position, 205
size of penis: fantasy model
S 26-30; women's view of,
of,
234, 244, 245
S-M: The Last Taboo, 64 sleep, 127, 213
sado-masochism (S&M), 64 snuggling exercise, 143
satisfaction, 71, 72, 95 social skills, 180-81
Schuchman, Penny, 142 sons, 358
scrotum, 118, 123, 127 Sorenson, Robert, 161
self-esteem, 16 Spanish fly, 297
self-hypnosis, 154, 156 sperm production, 118, 125
spermicidal jelly, 201-2
Semans, James, 263
Semans exercise, 263, 277, Spillane, Mickey, 58
280 spinal reflex, 125
seminal vesicles, 118, 124, 125 spontaneity of sex myth, 60-
sensation-seeking, through sex, 62
364-67 sports, 49, 111, 134
sensitivity, 233 squeeze technique, 263
sensuality, 131, 212 Stanton, Lynn, 227, 295
Sensuous Man, The, 20, 165, stress, 157, 158

256 students, 177, 178

Sensuous Woman, The, 20, surgery: penile implants and,
165 299-301; sexual activity
Sex and the Liberated Man and, 344, 347, 355
(Ellis), 63 surveys: dissatisfaction with
sex flush, 123, 127 sex lives expressed in, 3-4;
sex problems: use of, 373-78; female sexuality, 227; of
women's view of, 237-39 masturbation, 161; penile
sex researchers, 50 size in, 28; on virginity,

sex roles, 381 177-79

sex therapy: learning about
sex and, 21-22; myths and,
2, 4, 50
Sexual Behavior in the 1970s
(Hunt), 161 tai-chi, 154
talking about sex: changing
sexual differences, 1
Sexual Loving (Bird and sexual patterns and, 215-16;
Bird), 57-58 criticism expressed in, 191-
 410 INDEX
talking about sex (cont.)
193; ejaculatory control ex-
ercises and, 280-81; erec-
tion problem resolution
and, 302-3; exercises for, vagina: myths about, 1; or-
195-96; feelings and, 38, gasm and, 243, 246, 249-51
39; female sexuality and, Valium, 345
252-54; first-time situations vas deferens, 118, 119, 125
and, 213; levels of, 193, 194; vasectomy, 118, 202
limitations of, 196-97; ob- Vaseline, 176
jections to, 191; part-
190, vasocongestion, 121-22, 245
ners and, 188-97; women's venereal disease, 88
view of, 237-38; working Victorian view of sexuality,
out disagreements through,
225, 338, 383
220-24
violence, 49, 57, 58, 63
techniques, sexual, 235
virginity, 4, 5, 177-83
technology, 43
television, 24
tension: arousal and, 82; ejac-
ulatory control and, 288;
W
erection problems and, 294;
massage and, 142; sex and, Wayne, John, 91
150-51; types of indicators What a Boy Should Know,
of, 151 162-63
testes, 117, 118, 123, 127 women, 225-54; contraception
testosterone, 118,298-99 and, 198-202; erection as
touching, 131-49; as behavior necessity for sex and, 53;
leading to sex, 48-49; exer- erection problems and, 292;
cises for, 141-46; first-time excitement and pain myths
situations and, 212; impor- and, 56-57; fantasy model
tance of, 131-33; inter- of sex and, 30-35; feelings
course myths and, 53, 205; and, 37-38; first-time situa-
of self, during sex, 75; sex tions and, 209, 211-12; in-
linked to, 131, 133-35; ten- expressiveness of men and,
sions and, 158; women's 38; initiation of sex by, 361;
view of, 231-32 intercourse myths and, 52;
Touching (Montagu), 135 Kegel exercises for, 129;
transition activities from work liberationand sex and, 379-
to home, 157-58 385; penis size and, 26, 27;
resistance of, 32-33; sex as
male obligation to, 339-40;
U sexual differences between
men and, 1; validation of
University of California, San men's egos by, 33; virginity
Francisco, 180 in men and, 182. See also
unwanted pregnancies, 199 female sexuality
urethra, 118, 119, 125, 242 Woods, James, 297
urination, 262, 263 work, and relaxation, 157
 INDEX 411
Z
'Oga exercises, 154 Zilbergeld, Bernie, 227, 295
/ohimbine, 299 Zimbardo, Phillip, 181
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Born in New Jersey, Bernie Zilbergeld graduated from
Ohio University and received his Ph.D. in clinical psy-
chology from the University of California, Berkeley, in
1973. For five years, he has been head of the Men's Pro-
gram and codirector of clinical training of the human sex-
uality program, University of California, San Francisco.
There he has developed many successful group and in-
dividual treatment formats for men; worked with many
men who haven't had any specific sexual problems but who
wanted to enhance their sexual functioning and enjoyment;
and organized and conducted many workshops for men to
explore various male sex roles, family planning, and so on.
In addition, Dr. Zilbergeld has taught classes in sex and sex
therapy at several Bay Area colleges, and has maintained
a private practice in Oakland.
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 MALE SEXUALITY
It a manual full of gimmicks.
isn't
It try to impose a different life-
doesn't
style on anyone. It is a very human
book that explodes the myths.
Myth # 1 Men shouldn't express certain feelings.

Myth # 2 Sex is a performance.

Myth # 3
A man must orchestrate sex.
#
Myth 4 A man always wants and is
always ready to have sex
Myth # 5 All physical contact must lead to sex.

Myth # 6 Sex equals intercourse.

Myth # 7 Sex requires an erection.

Myth # 8 Good sex increasing excitement

is
terminated only by orgasm.
Myth # 9 Sex should be natural and spontaneous.
Myth # 10 In this enlightened age,
the preceding myths no longer
have any influence on us.
An enlightened guide to sexual fulfillment
for men —
including exercises designed to
increase understanding and pleasure
for both sexes by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D.,
nationally known clinical psychologist at
the Human Sexuality Program, the
University of California, San Francisco.

1 3957

76783"00350 l

ISBN 0-553-13^57-^