(1)

Maid: Won’t Madame be sorry?

Juliette: Not at all. Mind you, if someone had bought it on the very day I placed it for sale, then I might
have felt sorry because I would have wondered if I hadn’t been a fool to sell at all. But the sign has
been hanging on the gate for over a month now and I am beginning to be afraid that the day I bought
it, was when I was the real fool.

Maid: All the same, Madame, when they brought you the ‘For Sale’ sign, you wouldn’t let them put it
up. You waited until it was night. Then you went and hung it yourself, Madame.
Juliette: I know! You see, I thought that as they could not read it in the dark, the house would belong
to me for one more night. I was so sure that the next day the entire world would be fighting to
purchase it. For the first week, I was annoyed every time I passed that “Villa for Sale’ sign. The
neighbours seemed to look at me in such a strange kind of way that I began to think the whole thing
was going to be much more of a sell than a sale. That was a month ago and now, I have only one
thought, that is to get the wretched place off my hands. I would sacrifice it at any price. One hundred
thousand francs if necessary and that’s only twice what it cost me. I thought, I would get two hundred
thousand but I suppose I must cut my loss. What time did those agency people say the lady would
call?

Maid: Between four and five, Madame.

Juliette: Then we must wait for her.

Maid: It was a nice little place for you to spend the weekends, Madame.

Juliette: Yes, But times are hard and business is as bad as it can be.

Maid: In that case, Madame, is it a good time to sell?

Juliette: No. perhaps not. But still… there are moments in life when it’s the right time to buy, but it’s
never the right time to sell. For fifteen years everybody has had money at the same time and nobody
wanted to sell. Now nobody has any money and nobody wants to buy.

Maid: That reminds me, there is a favour I want to ask you, Madame
Juliette: Yes, what is it my girl?

Maid: Will you be kind enough to let me off between nine and noon tomorrow morning?

Juliette: From nine till noon?

Maid: Yes the Studio, They have asked me to play in a film at the Joinville

Juliette: You are going to act for the cinema?

Maid: Yes, Madame.

Juliette: What kind of part are you going to play?

Maid: A maid, Madame. They prefer the real article. They say maids are born; maids not made maids.
They are giving me a hundred francs a morning for doing it.
Juliette: One hundred francs!

(2)

Maid: Yes, Madame. And as you only pay me four hundred a month, I can’t very well refuse, can I,
Madame?

Juliette: A hundred francs! It’s unbelievable!

Maid: Will you permit me, Madame, to tell you something I’ve suddenly thought of?

Juliette: What?

Maid: They want a cook in the film as well. They asked me if I knew of anybody suitable. You said just
now, Madame, that times were hard…. Would you like me to get you the engagement?

Juliette: What?
Maid: Every little helps, Madame. Especially, Madame, as you have such a funny face.

Juliette: Thank you.

Maid (taking no notice). They might take you on for eight days, Madame. That would mean eight
hundred francs. It’s really money for nothing. You would only have to peel potatoes one minute and
make an omlette the next, quite easy. I could show you how to do it, Madame

Juliette: But how kind of you…. Thank God I’m not quite so hard up as that yet!

Maid: Oh, Madame, I hope you are not angry with me?

Juliette: Not in the least.

Maid: You see, Madame, film acting is rather looked up to round here. Everybody wants to do it.
Yesterday the butcher didn’t open his shop, he was being shot all the morning. Today, nobody could
find the four policemen, they were taking part in Monsieur Milton’s fight scene in his new film.

You see, they pay so well. The manager is offering a thousand francs for a real beggar who has had
nothing to eat for two days Some people have all the luck! Think it over, Madame.
Juliette: Thanks, I will.

Maid: If you would go and see them with your hair slicked back the way you do when you are
dressing. Madame, I am sure they would engage you right away Because really, Madame, you look
too comical!

Juliette: Thank you! (The bell rings) I am going upstairs for a moment. If that is the lady, tell her I will
not be long. It won’t do to give her the impression that I am waiting for her.

Maid: Very good, Madame. (Exit JULIETTE, as she runs off to open the front door)

(Voices heard off, a second later, the MAID returns showing in GASTON and JEANNE
Maid: If you will be kind enough to sit down, I will tell Madame you are here.

Jeanne: Thank you. (Exit MAID)

 (3)

Gaston: And they call that a garden! Why, it’s a yard with a patch of grass in the middle!

Jeanne: But the inside of the house seems very nice, Gaston.

Gaston: Twenty-five yards of Cretonne and a dash of paint… you can get that anywhere

Jeanne: That’s not fair. Wait until you’ve seen the rest of it.

Gaston: Why should I? I don’t want to see the kitchen to know that the garden is a myth and that the
salon is impossible.

Jeanne: What’s the matter with it?

Gaston: Matter? Why, you can’t even call it a salon.

Jeanne: Perhaps there is another.

Gaston: Never mind the other. I’m talking about this one.

Jeanne: We could do something very original with it.

Gaston: Yes, make it an annex to the garden.

Jeanne: No, but a kind of study.

Gaston: A study? Good Lord! You’re not thinking of going in for studying are you?

Jeanne: Don’t be silly! You know perfectly well what a modern study is.

Gaston: No, I don’t.

Jeanne: Well..er… it’s a place where… where one gathers

Gaston: Where one gathers what?

Jeanne: Don’t be aggravating, please! If you don’t want the house, tell me so at once and we’ll say no
more about it.

Gaston: I told you before we crossed the road that I didn’t want it. As soon as you see a sign ‘Villa for
Sale’, you have to go inside and be shown over it.
Jeanne: But we are buying a villa, aren’t we?

Gaston: We are not!

Jeanne: What do you mean, ‘We are not’? Then we’re not looking for a villa?

Gaston: Certainly not. It’s just an idea you’ve had stuck in your head for the past month.

Jeanne: But we’ve talked about nothing else….

Gaston: You mean, you’ve talked about nothing else. I’ve never talked about it. You see, you’ve talked
about it so much, that you thought that we are talking…. You haven’t even noticed that I’ve never
joined in the conversation. If you say that you are looking for a villa, then that’s different!
 (4)

Jeanne: Well… at any rate… whether I’m looking for it or we’re looking for it, the one thing that
matters anyway is that I’m looking for it for us!

Gaston: It’s not for us… it’s for your parents. You are simply trying to make me buy a villa so that you
can put your father and your mother in it. You see, I know you. If you got what you want, do you
realize what would happen? We would spend the month of August in the villa, but your parents would
take possession of it every year from the beginning of April until the end of September. What’s more,
they would bring the whole tribe of your sister’s children with them. No! I am very fond of your family,
but not quite so fond as that.

Jeanne: Then why have you been looking over villas for the past week?

Gaston: I have not been looking over them, you have, and it bores me.

Jeanne: Well….

Gaston: Well what?

Jeanne: Then stop being bored and buy one. That will finish it. We won’t talk about it any more.

Gaston: Exactly!

Jeanne: As far as that goes, what of it? Suppose I do want to buy a villa for papa and mamma?

Gaston: My darling. I quite admit that you want to buy a villa for your father and mother. But please
admit on your side that I don’t want to pay for it.

Jeanne: There’s my dowry.

Gaston: Your dowry! My poor child, we have spent that long ago

Jeanne: But since then you have made a fortune

Gaston: Quite so. I have, but you haven’t Anyway, there’s no use discussing it. I will not buy a villa
and that ends it
Jeanne: Then it wasn’t worth while coming in.
Gaston: That’s exactly what I told you at the door.

Jeanne: In that case, let’s go.

Gaston: By all means.

Jeanne: What on earth will the lady think of us.

Gaston: I have never cared much about anybody’s opinion. Come along. (He takes his hat and goes
towards the door. At this moment JULIETTE enterns
Juliette: Good afternoon, Madame… Monsieur….

Jeanne: How do you do, Madame?

Gaston: Good day.

 (5)

Juliette: Won’t you sit down? (All three of them sit.) Is your first impression a good one?

Jeanne: Excellent

Juliette: I am not in the least surprised. It is the most delightful little place. Its appearance is modest,
but it has a charm of its own. I can tell by just looking at you that would suit you admirably, as you suit
it, if you will permit me to say so. The choice of a frame is not so easy when you have such a
delightful pastel to place in it. (She naturally indicates JEANNE who is flattered.) The house
possesses a great many advantages. Electricity, gas, water, telephone, and drainage. The bathroom
is beautifully fitted and the roof was entirely repaired last year..

Jeanne: Oh, that is very important, isn’t it, darling?

Gaston: For whom?

Juliette: The garden is not very large it’s not long and it’s not wide, but…

Gaston: But my word, it is high!

Juliette: That’s not exactly what I meant. Your husband is very witty, Madame. As I was saying, the
garden is not very large, but you see, it is surrounded by other gardens.

Gaston: On the principle of people who like children and haven’t any, can always go and live near a
school.

Jeanne: Please don’t joke, Gaston. What this lady says is perfectly right. Will you tell me, Madame,
what price you are asking for the villa?

Juliette: Well, you see, I must admit, quite frankly, that I don’t want to sell it any more

Gaston: (rising) Then there’s nothing further to be said about it

Juliette: Please, 1…

Jeanne: Let Madame finish, my dear

Juliette: Thank you, I was going to say that for exceptional people like you. I don’t mind giving it up.
One arranges a house in accordance with one’s own tastes if you understand what I mean to suit
oneself, as it were so one would not like to think that ordinary people had come to live in it. But to
you. I can see with perfect assurance, I agree. Yes, I will sell it to you

Jeanne: It’s extremely kind of you.

Gaston: Extremely. Yes but er what’s the price, Madame?

Juliette: You will never believe it…

Gaston: I believe in God and so you see

Juliette: Entirely furnished with all the fixtures, just as it is, with the exception of that one little picture
signed by Carot, I don’t know if you have ever heard of that painter, have you?

Gaston: No, never.

 (6)

Juliette: Neither have I. But I like the colour and I want to keep it. If you don’t mind. For the villa itself,
just as it stands, two hundred and fifty thousand francs. The price must seem…

Gaston: Decidedly excessive…

Juliette: Oh, no!

Gaston: Oh, yes, Madame

Juliette: Well, really, I must say I’m..

Gaston: Quite so, life is full of surprises, isn’t it?

Juliette: You think it dear at two hundred and fifty thousand? Very well, I can’t be fairer than this, Make
me an offer.
Gaston: If I did, it would be much less than that

Juliette: Make it anyway.

Gaston: It’s very awkward…..

Jeanne. Name some figures, darling just to please me

Gaston: Well I hardly know…. Sixty thousand…..

Jeanne: Oh!

Juliette: Oh!

Gaston: What do you mean by ‘Oh!”? It isn’t worth more than that to me

Juliette: I give you my word of honour, Monsieur, I cannot let it go for less than t hundred thousand.

Gaston: You have perfect right to do as you please, Madame.

Juliette: I tell you what I will do. I will be philanthropic and let you have it for two hundred thousand.

Gaston: And I will be equally good-natured and let you keep it for the same price,
Juliette: In that case, there is nothing more to be said, Monsieur.
Gaston: Good day, Madame.

Jeanne: One minute, darling. Before you definitely decide, I would love you to go over the upper floor
with me.

Juliette: I will show it to you with the greatest pleasure. This way, Madame. This way Monsieur.

Gaston: No, thank you climbing stairs is something that I’m not very fond of
Juliette: Just as you wish, Monsieur. (To JEANNE.) Shall I lead the way?

Jeanne: If you please, Madame.

(Exit JULIETTE)
 (7)

Jeanne (to her husband): You’re not over-polite, are you?

Gaston: Oh, my darling! For Heaven’s sake, stop worrying me about this shanty Go and examine the
bathroom and come back quickly. (Exit JEANNE following JULIETTE)

Gaston (to himself): Two hundred thousand for a few yards of land….. She must be thinking I’m
crazy…..

(The door bell rings and, a moment later, the MAID re-enters showing in Mrs Al Smith)

Maid: If Madame would be kind enough to come in.

Mrs Al Smith: See here, now I tell you I’m in a hurry. How much do they want for this house?

Maid: I don’t know anything about it, Madame.

Mrs Al Smith: To start off with, why isn’t the price marked on the signboard? You French People have
a cute way of doing business! You go and tell your boss that if he doesn’t come right away, I’m going.
I haven’t any time to waste (MAID goes out.) Oh, you’re the husband, I suppose, Good afternoon. Do
you speak American?

Gaston: Sure… You betcha

Mrs Al Smith: That goes by me. How much for this house?

Gaston: How much?... Well… Won’t you sit down?

Mrs Al Smith: I do things standing up.

Gaston: Oh! Do you?

Mrs Al Smith: Yes! Where’s your wife?

Gaston: My wife? Oh, she’s upstairs.

Mrs Al Smith: Well, she can stay there. Unless you have to consult her before you make a sale?

Gaston: Me? Not on your life!

Mrs Al Smith: You are an exception. Frenchmen usually have to consult about ten people before they
get a move on. Listen! Do you or don’t you want to sell this house?

Gaston: Huh?... Oh, I’d love to!

Mrs Al Smith: Then what about it? I haven’t more than five minutes to spare.

Gaston: Sit down for three of them anyway. To begin with, this villa was built by my grandfather…

Mrs Al Smith: I don’t give a dam about your grandfather!

Gaston: Neither do I…. But I must tell you that… er…..

Mrs Al Smith: Listen, just tell me the price.

Gaston: Let me explain

 (8)

Mrs Al Smith: No!

Gaston: We have electricity, gas, telephone…

Mrs Al Smith: I don’t care! What’s the price?

Gaston: But you must go over the house….

Mrs Al Smith: No!... I want to knock it down and build a bungalow here.

Gaston: Oh, I see!

Mrs Al Smith: Yep! It’s the land I want. I have to be near the Paramount where I’m going to shoot
some films

Mrs Al Smith: Hmm, You see I’m a big star.

Gaston: Not really?

Mrs Al Smith: (amiably): Yes! Well now, how much?

Gaston: Now let’s see. In that case, entirely furnished with the exception of that little picture by an
unknown artist it belonged to my grandfather and I want to keep it……

Mrs Al Smith: Say! You do love your grandparents in Europe!

Gaston: We have had them for such a long time!

Mrs Al Smith: You folk are queer You think about the past all the time. We always think about the
future.

Gaston: Everybody thinks about what he’s got

Mrs Al Smith: What a pity you don’t try and copy us more.

Gaston: Copies are not always good. We could only imitate you and imitations are no better than
parodies. We are so different. Think of it…. Europeans go to America to earn money and Americans
come to Europe to spend it.
Mrs Al Smith: Just the same, you ought to learn how to do business

Gaston: We are learning now. We are practising..

Mrs Al Smith: Well then, how much?

Gaston: The house! Let me see…. I should say three hundred thousand francs The same for
everybody, you know. Even though you are an American I wouldn’t dream of raising the price.

Mrs Al Smith: Treat me the same as anybody. Then you say it is three hundred thousand?
Gaston (to himself): Since you are dear bought – I will love you dear..

Mrs Al Smith: Say you, what do you take me for?

Gaston: Sorry. That’s Shakespeare…. I mean cash…

 (9)

Mrs Al Smith: Now I get you cash down! You’re coming on. (She takes cheque book from her bag.)

Gaston (fumbling in a drawer): Wait… I never know where they put my pen and ink….

Mrs Al Smith: Let me tell you something, you’d better buy yourself a fountain pen will the money you
get for the villa. What date is it today?

Gaston: The twenty-fourth.

Mrs Al Smith: You can fill in your name on the cheque yourself. I live at the Ritz hotel place vendom.
My lawyer is Mr Who, 5, Rue Cambon. He will get in touch with yours about the rest of the
transaction. Good-bye.

Gaston: Good-bye.

Mrs. Al Smith: When are you leaving?

Gaston: Well…er. I don’t quite know whenever you like

Mrs. Al Smith: Make it tomorrow and my architect can come on Thursday Good-bye I’m delighted.

Gaston: Delighted to hear it. Madame. (She goes and he looks at the cheque.) It’s a very good thing
in business when everyone is delighted! (At that moment, JEANNE and JULIETTE retum)

Gaston: Well?

Jeanne: Well… of course it’s very charming

Juliette: Of course, as I told you, it’s not a large place. I warned you. There are two large bedrooms
and one small one

Gaston: Well now! That’s something

Jeanne: (to her husband). You are quite right, darling. I’m afraid it would not be suitable Thank you,
Madame, we need not keep you any longer.

Juliette: Oh, that’s quite alright.

Gaston: Just a moment, just a moment, my dear. You say there are two large bedrooms and a small
one….

Juliette: Yes, and two servants’ rooms

Gaston: Oh! There are two servants rooms in addition, are there?

Juliette: Yes.

Gaston: But that’s excellent!

Juliette: Gaston, stop joking!

Gaston: And the bathroom? What’s that like?

Juliette: Perfect! There’s a bath in it

 (10)

Gaston: Oh, there’s a bath in the bathroom, is there?

Juliette: Of course there is!

Gaston: It’s all very important. A bathroom with a bath in it. Bedrooms, two large and one small, two
servants’ rooms and a garden. It’s really possible, While you were upstairs, I have been thinking a lot
about your papa and mamma. You see. I am really unselfish, and then the rooms for your sister’s
children. Also, my dear, and this is serious… about our old age. It's bound to come sooner or later
and the natural desire of old age is a quiet country life. (To JULIETTE☺ You said two hundred
thousand, didn’t you?

Jeanne: What on earth are you driving at?

Gaston: Just trying to please you, darling.

Juliette: Yes, two hundred thousand is my lowest. Cash, of course.

Gaston: Well, that’s fixed. I won’t argue about it. (He takes out his cheque book.)

Juliette: But there are so many things to be discussed before…

Gaston: Not at all, Thank you, Madame. Will you give me a receipt, please? Our lawyers will draw up
the details of the sale. Please fill in your name… Let us see, it’s the twenty-third, isn’t it?

Juliette: No, the twenty-fourth.

Gaston: What does it matter? One day more or less. (She signs the receipt and exchanges it for his
cheque.) Splendid!

Juliette: Thank you, Monsieur.

Gaston: Here is my card. Good-bye, Madame. Oh, by the way, you will be kind enough to leave
tomorrow morning, won’t you.

Juliette: Tomorrow! So soon?

Gaston: Well, say tomorrow evening at the latest.
Juliette: Yes, I can manage that. Good-bye Madame.

Jeanne: Good day, Madarne.

Gaston: I’ll take my little picture with me, if you don’t mind? (He unhooks it.) Just a beautiful souvenir,
you know..

Juliette: Very well. I’ll show you the garden, on the way out (Exit JULIETTE)

Jeanne: What on earth have you done?

Gaston: I? I made a hundred thousand francs and a Carot!

Jeanne: But how?

Gaston: I’ll tell you later.