Thuy Essay Mt7
Thuy Essay Mt7
What do you think are the main problems associated with the use of the web? What
solutions can you suggest"?
Give reasons for your answer with relevant examples from your knowledge and
experience.
What was thought to be as an insignificant and incomprehensible tool has now emerged as
the essence of our daily and futuristic lives, an invention with a stroke of genius, extremely
sophisticated yet prominent, which connects us around the globe, searching for information
in the digital library with just a touch of a finger, as if everyone owns the world. The Internet
has been a crucial part of our lives, facilitating tasks that were complex and daunting.
However, there are risks and dangers obstructed from the crowd, with severe
consequences.
As the Internet has become a place where individuals could share information freely, it has
also transformed into a place of misinformation with malicious intentions. People may spread
false news with a view to tricking people into believing their fabricated words, or to preach
and indoctrinate despicable and dangerous ideologies. For example, the Internet could be
used to dispense misinformation about politics, celebrities, et cetera, so as to either defame,
cause disruptions and confusion for viewers and persuade them to believe those details.
One example is a group known as Viet Tan, a political opposition of Viet Nam, posting
inappropriate and unreliable news to defame and Viet Nam and inject democratic ideologies
into viewers' mind. This is not the Internet's most dangerous and ominous usage, however,
as it could be used as a means of association and activities between criminals. Inmates
could use the Internet to scam, commit fraud by false advertising or stealing private
information, such as the case of a fraudulent center disguised as a helping center in
Cambodia, contacting and fooling many people to give them credit card information and so
on. Moreover, the Internet could be used for human trafficking and selling illegal substances.
Criminals could hack into your account and obtain information about your whereabouts and
harass you and your family, relatives and threaten to kidnap you. Additionally, cases such as
the Silk Road, an underground website for criminals to buy and sell drugs including
morphine, heroin and many more.
Authorities and armed forces should implement stricter policies to assert their surveillance
and control on the platform. For instance, they could surveil activities on the Internet,
especially places that are objectively deemed as suspicious, like the Dark Web. Another way
is to control and administer what is being uploaded for the Internet to check if those are in
appropriate or not. Platforms such as Facebook and Youtube can implant filters and
automatic video content checking system to evaluate posts and information waiting in queue
so as to choose only the appropriate ones to share. Knowledge about criminal activities
online should also be dispensed and available online to spread awareness and gives ways
to protect themselves from the Internet. The final approach is that police forces should take
measures to track down criminals and malicious websites riddled on the Internet to ensure a
safe and secure place where people could like, share, comment, search for information and
connects with others around the world.
In conclusion, people need to raise awareness about the hidden dangers lurking inside the
Internet, waiting for their next victims beneath the surface. All of us need to take
responsibility to ensure its safety and security. The Internet is a powerful tool, but in the
hands of the wrong hands, it could cause unprecedented and unforeseeable devastations.
Nâng cấp lập luận
Introduction: What was thought to be as an insignificant and incomprehensible tool has
now emerged as the essence of our daily and futuristic lives, an invention with a stroke of
genius, extremely sophisticated yet prominent, which connects us around the globe,
searching for information in the digital library with just a touch of a finger, as if everyone
owns the world. The Internet has been a crucial part of our lives, facilitating tasks that were
complex and daunting. However, there are risks and dangers obstructed from the crowd,
with severe consequences.
Clear Answer: The introduction effectively sets the stage for discussing the impact of the
Internet on our lives. It highlights the transformative power of the Internet and acknowledges
the risks associated with its use. However, it could be more specific in addressing the main
problems associated with the Internet, as per the essay question.
Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it introduces the topic of
the Internet's impact on our lives. However, it could be more focused on the specific
problems associated with the Internet, such as misinformation, cybercrime, and privacy
issues, to align more closely with the question's requirements.
Brief Overview: The introduction could benefit from a brief overview of the specific
problems that will be discussed in the essay. For example, mentioning that the essay will
explore the risks of misinformation, cybercrime, and privacy issues would provide a clearer
roadmap for the reader and ensure that the essay directly addresses the question's prompt.
Improved Introduction: The Internet, once considered an obscure and complex tool, has
evolved into a ubiquitous and transformative force in our daily and futuristic lives. Its
sophisticated and prominent features have made it an essential part of our global
connectivity, allowing us to access vast information and connect with others worldwide.
However, this technological advancement also brings significant risks and dangers, including
the spread of misinformation, cybercrime, and privacy breaches. This essay will explore the
main problems associated with the widespread use of the Internet and propose solutions to
mitigate these issues, ensuring a safer and more secure online environment for all.
Main Point 1: As the Internet has become a place where individuals could share information
freely, it has also transformed into a place of misinformation with malicious intentions.
People may spread false news with a view to tricking people into believing their fabricated
words, or to preach and indoctrinate despicable and dangerous ideologies. For example, the
Internet could be used to dispense misinformation about politics, celebrities, et cetera, so as
to either defame, cause disruptions and confusion for viewers and persuade them to believe
those details. One example is a group known as Viet Tan, a political opposition of Viet Nam,
posting inappropriate and unreliable news to defame and Viet Nam and inject democratic
ideologies into viewers' mind. This is not the Internet's most dangerous and ominous usage,
however, as it could be used as a means of association and activities between criminals.
Inmates could use the Internet to scam, commit fraud by false advertising or stealing private
information, such as the case of a fraudulent center disguised as a helping center in
Cambodia, contacting and fooling many people to give them credit card information and so
on. Moreover, the Internet could be used for human trafficking and selling illegal substances.
Criminals could hack into your account and obtain information about your whereabouts and
harass you and your family, relatives and threaten to kidnap you. Additionally, cases such as
the Silk Road, an underground website for criminals to buy and sell drugs including
morphine, heroin and many more.
Feedback for Main Point 1:
Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively highlights the risks associated with the free
sharing of information on the Internet, particularly the spread of misinformation and the
potential for criminal activities. The examples provided, such as the use of the Internet for
political defamation and fraudulent activities, are relevant and illustrate the dangers
effectively.
Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The examples used are highly
relevant and effectively support the argument about the dangers of the Internet. However,
the argument could be strengthened by discussing potential solutions or mitigating measures
that could be implemented to address these issues.
Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "inmates could use the Internet to
scam, commit fraud by false advertising or stealing private information" is somewhat vague.
Clarifying what types of scams or fraudulent activities are being referred to would enhance
clarity.
Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all Internet use is inherently
dangerous without considering the positive aspects of the Internet, such as its role in
education, communication, and access to information. Addressing these aspects would
provide a more balanced view.
Overly Assertive Language: The language used is appropriately assertive for the context,
but could be softened slightly to acknowledge that while these risks are significant, they are
not the only aspects of the Internet's use.
Balance the Argument: Introduce a discussion on the positive aspects of the Internet to
provide a more balanced view. This could include its role in education, communication, and
access to information.
Clarify and Specify Examples: Provide more specific examples of fraudulent activities or
scams to clarify the types of risks involved. This would make the argument more concrete
and easier to understand.
Discuss Potential Solutions: Suggest potential solutions or measures that could be taken
to mitigate these risks, such as improved cybersecurity, increased awareness campaigns, or
stricter regulations.
Acknowledge the Role of Users: Discuss the role of users in preventing these risks, such
as being cautious when sharing information online and using secure browsing practices.
Improved Main Point 1: The widespread use of the Internet has introduced significant risks,
particularly the dissemination of misinformation and the potential for criminal activities. For
instance, political opposition groups like Viet Tan have used the Internet to spread false
information about political figures and ideologies, while criminals have exploited the platform
for fraudulent activities such as identity theft and the sale of illegal substances. Additionally,
the Internet has been used for human trafficking and the sale of drugs, including the
notorious Silk Road website. These examples illustrate the dangers of the Internet, which
can be used for malicious purposes if not properly monitored and regulated. Therefore, it is
crucial to implement stricter policies and controls to prevent these risks and ensure a safer
online environment.
Main Point 2: Authorities and armed forces should implement stricter policies to assert their
surveillance and control on the platform. For instance, they could surveil activities on the
Internet, especially places that are objectively deemed as suspicious, like the Dark Web.
Another way is to control and administer what is being uploaded for the Internet to check if
those are in appropriate or not. Platforms such as Facebook and Youtube can implant filters
and automatic video content checking system to evaluate posts and information waiting in
queue so as to choose only the appropriate ones to share. Knowledge about criminal
activities online should also be dispensed and available online to spread awareness and
gives ways to protect themselves from the Internet. The final approach is that police forces
should take measures to track down criminals and malicious websites riddled on the Internet
to ensure a safe and secure place where people could like, share, comment, search for
information and connects with others around the world.
Argumentative Logic: The argument suggests that stricter policies and surveillance are
necessary to control the spread of misinformation and criminal activities on the Internet. This
is a logical approach to addressing the problems associated with the Internet's misuse.
However, the argument could be strengthened by discussing the potential challenges and
limitations of such measures, such as privacy concerns and the effectiveness of surveillance
in preventing all types of malicious activities.
Overgeneralizations: The suggestion to surveil the Internet and control uploads without
specifying how this would be done or what criteria would be used to determine what is
appropriate or not could be seen as an overgeneralization. It's important to provide more
detail on how these measures would be implemented to avoid broad and vague statements.
Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The ideas of implementing filters and
tracking down criminals are relevant and directly address the problems of misinformation
and criminal activities. However, the argument would benefit from a more detailed
explanation of how these measures would effectively address the issues without infringing
on privacy or freedom of speech.
Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "places that are objectively deemed
as suspicious, like the Dark Web" is somewhat vague. Clarifying what makes these places
suspicious and how they can be identified would improve clarity.
Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that stricter policies and surveillance
will effectively prevent all types of malicious activities on the Internet. This overlooks the
potential for these measures to be circumvented or the possibility that they might not
address the root causes of the problems.
Overly Assertive Language: The language used in the argument is somewhat assertive,
suggesting that these measures will solve the problems without discussing potential
challenges or limitations. Softening the language to acknowledge the complexity of these
issues would make the argument more balanced and realistic.
Detail Implementation of Measures: Provide more specific details on how surveillance and
control would be implemented, including the criteria used to determine what is appropriate or
not, and how these measures would be enforced.
Address Privacy Concerns: Discuss the potential impact on privacy and how these
measures can be balanced with the need for security and safety online.
Balance the Argument: Include a discussion on the limitations of these measures and the
potential for them to be ineffective or counterproductive if not implemented carefully. This
would provide a more nuanced and realistic view of the issue.
Improved Main Point 2: To address the risks associated with the widespread use of the
Internet, authorities and law enforcement agencies should implement stricter policies and
surveillance measures. This could involve monitoring suspicious online activities, particularly
on the Dark Web, to identify and prevent criminal activities such as misinformation
dissemination and illegal transactions. Additionally, platforms like Facebook and YouTube
could implement filters to evaluate and approve content before it is shared, ensuring that
only appropriate information is disseminated. Furthermore, it is crucial to educate the public
about online safety and provide them with tools to protect themselves from potential threats.
Finally, law enforcement should actively track down and shut down malicious websites and
criminal networks to maintain a safe and secure online environment for all users.
Conclusion: In conclusion, people need to raise awareness about the hidden dangers
lurking inside the Internet, waiting for their next victims beneath the surface. All of us need to
take responsibility to ensure its safety and security. The Internet is a powerful tool, but in the
hands of the wrong hands, it could cause unprecedented and unforeseeable devastations.
Clear Answer: The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the
essay, emphasizing the need for awareness and responsibility in using the Internet safely. It
clearly states the dangers associated with the Internet and the importance of taking action to
mitigate these risks. This clear and concise summary effectively wraps up the essay's
argument.
Relevance: The conclusion is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the main
problems associated with the use of the Internet, such as misinformation and criminal
activities. It also suggests solutions, which aligns with the essay prompt's requirement for
both identifying problems and proposing solutions. However, the conclusion could be
strengthened by more explicitly linking the proposed solutions to the specific problems
discussed in the essay, providing a more direct connection to the main points raised.
Improved Conclusion: In conclusion, the widespread use of the Internet has brought
significant risks, including the spread of misinformation and criminal activities. To address
these issues, it is crucial for individuals to be aware of these dangers and take responsibility
for their online actions. Additionally, authorities should implement stricter policies and
surveillance measures to prevent and detect malicious activities. By working together, we
can ensure a safer and more secure online environment for all.
Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by
identifying several major problems associated with the Internet, such as misinformation,
criminal activities, and human trafficking. Each problem is supported by relevant examples,
such as the case of Viet Tan and the Silk Road, which illustrates the dangers of
misinformation and illegal activities online. However, while the problems are well articulated,
the solutions proposed could be more diverse and detailed. The essay primarily focuses on
governmental and platform-level interventions without exploring individual or community-
based solutions.
How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include more varied solutions,
such as educational initiatives for users about digital literacy, community programs to
support victims of online crime, or encouraging responsible online behavior. This would
provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the dangers of the
Internet and the need for solutions. The stance is consistent throughout, with a strong
emphasis on the negative impacts of the Internet and the necessity for stricter regulations.
The conclusion reiterates the importance of awareness and responsibility, reinforcing the
essay's position.
How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could explicitly
state their viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion, perhaps by summarizing the main
problems and solutions in a concise thesis statement. This would enhance the coherence of
the argument.
Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, using specific examples
to illustrate the problems associated with the Internet. The examples are relevant and help to
substantiate the claims made. However, some points, such as the discussion on human
trafficking and scams, could benefit from further elaboration to deepen the analysis.
How to improve: The writer could improve by providing more detailed explanations of how
these problems manifest in real life and their broader implications. For instance, discussing
the psychological impact of misinformation on society or the long-term effects of online
scams on victims would enhance the depth of the analysis.
Stay on Topic:
Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the problems and
solutions related to the Internet. However, there are moments where the discussion
becomes slightly convoluted, particularly in the transition between examples. For instance,
the shift from discussing misinformation to criminal activities could be smoother to maintain
focus.
How to improve: To maintain better focus, the writer could use clearer topic sentences at
the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea being discussed. Additionally,
ensuring that each example directly ties back to the main argument would help maintain
relevance throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-
structured argument. With some refinements in the areas mentioned, it could achieve an
even higher score.
Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body
paragraphs discussing problems, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the
stage for the discussion, while the body paragraphs each focus on specific issues related to
the Internet, such as misinformation and criminal activities. However, the transition between
ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing misinformation to criminal
activities feels abrupt.
How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the
beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main point. Additionally, employing
transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") can help guide the
reader through the progression of ideas and establish connections between different
sections.
Use Paragraphs:
Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph
addressing a distinct aspect of the prompt. However, some paragraphs are quite lengthy and
could benefit from being split into smaller sections. For example, the paragraph discussing
criminal activities could be divided into two: one focusing on online scams and fraud, and the
other on human trafficking and drug sales. This would improve readability and allow for more
focused discussions.
How to improve: Aim for a clear structure within each paragraph. Start with a topic
sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph
maintains a single focus to avoid overwhelming the reader with too much information at
once. This will also help in maintaining coherence within each section.
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such
as "however," "for example," and "moreover." These devices help to connect ideas and
provide clarity. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For instance,
phrases like "on the other hand," "in contrast," and "as a result" could be used to enhance
the relationships between ideas and arguments.
How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating different
types of linking words and phrases. This can include those that indicate contrast, addition,
cause and effect, and exemplification. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used
appropriately and do not disrupt the flow of the essay. Regularly reviewing and revising
sentences to check for coherence can help in identifying areas where additional cohesive
devices could be beneficial.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant
examples. By focusing on improving the logical organization, refining paragraph structure,
and expanding the use of cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can
be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more
synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "the Internet," consider
using alternatives like "the web," "online platforms," or "digital space" to avoid redundancy.
Additionally, using more idiomatic expressions or collocations could enrich the essay further.
Detailed explanation: While the essay contains many strong vocabulary choices, there are
instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "inject democratic ideologies into
viewers' mind" could be more accurately expressed as "influence viewers' perceptions with
democratic ideologies." The use of "obstructed from the crowd" is also unclear and could be
better phrased as "hidden from public view."
How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which
words are used. Reviewing phrases for clarity and ensuring that they convey the intended
meaning without ambiguity is essential. Utilizing a thesaurus to find more appropriate
synonyms can also help refine word choice.
Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with only
a few minor errors. However, there are notable mistakes such as "Viet Nam" (should be
"Vietnam") and "gives ways to protect themselves" (should be "give ways to protect
themselves"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay
carefully or use spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practicing spelling
common words and phrases related to the topic can help reinforce correct usage. Keeping a
list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, but there is room for
improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these
areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
How to improve: To enhance the range and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer
should focus on balancing complexity with clarity. Breaking down overly long sentences into
shorter, more digestible ones can improve readability. Additionally, incorporating more varied
sentence beginnings and structures, such as using participial phrases or conditional clauses,
can further diversify the writing style.
Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar and
punctuation, with most sentences being grammatically correct. However, there are notable
errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "to defame and Viet
Nam" contains a grammatical error where "and" should be omitted. Additionally, the use of
commas is inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For
example, "criminals could hack into your account and obtain information about your
whereabouts and harass you and your family, relatives and threaten to kidnap you" could
benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas.
How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread
their work to catch errors in conjunctions and punctuation. Practicing the use of commas in
complex sentences and ensuring that lists are clearly delineated can enhance clarity.
Additionally, reviewing common grammatical structures and their correct usage can help
avoid errors and improve overall writing quality.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and
accuracy, focusing on clarity, sentence variety, and meticulous proofreading will elevate the
writing to a higher standard.
As the Internet has become a place where individuals can share information freely, it has
also transformed into a source of misinformation with malicious intentions. People may
spread false news with the aim of tricking others into believing their fabricated words or to
preach and indoctrinate despicable and dangerous ideologies. For example, the Internet can
be used to disseminate misinformation about politics, celebrities, and more, in order to
defame, cause disruptions and confusion for viewers, and persuade them to believe those
details. One example is a group known as Viet Tan, a political opposition group in Vietnam,
which posts inappropriate and unreliable news to defame Vietnam and inject democratic
ideologies into viewers' minds. This is not the Internet's most dangerous and ominous
usage, however, as it can also be used as a means of association and activities among
criminals. Inmates could use the Internet to scam, commit fraud through false advertising, or
steal private information, such as in the case of a fraudulent center disguised as a helping
center in Cambodia, which contacted and fooled many people into giving their credit card
information and more. Moreover, the Internet can be used for human trafficking and selling
illegal substances. Criminals could hack into your account, obtain information about your
whereabouts, and harass you and your family, threatening to kidnap you. Additionally, there
are cases such as the Silk Road, an underground website for criminals to buy and sell drugs
including morphine, heroin, and many more.
Authorities and armed forces should implement stricter policies to assert their surveillance
and control over the platform. For instance, they could monitor activities on the Internet,
especially in places that are objectively deemed suspicious, like the Dark Web. Another way
is to control and administer what is being uploaded to the Internet to check if it is appropriate
or not. Platforms such as Facebook and YouTube can implement filters and automatic video
content checking systems to evaluate posts and information waiting in queue, so as to
choose only the appropriate ones to share. Knowledge about criminal activities online should
also be disseminated and made available to spread awareness and provide ways for
individuals to protect themselves on the Internet. The final approach is that police forces
should take measures to track down criminals and malicious websites scattered across the
Internet to ensure a safe and secure space where people can like, share, comment, search
for information, and connect with others around the world.
In conclusion, people need to raise awareness about the hidden dangers lurking on the
Internet, waiting for their next victims beneath the surface. All of us need to take
responsibility to ensure its safety and security. The Internet is a powerful tool, but in the
wrong hands, it can cause unprecedented and unforeseeable devastation.