Integral Relationships A Manual For Men 1st Edition Martin Ucik 2025 Download Now
Integral Relationships A Manual For Men 1st Edition Martin Ucik 2025 Download Now
★★★★★
4.7 out of 5.0 (62 reviews )
EBOOK
Available Formats
https://ebookname.com/product/body-transformation-manual-the-
ultimate-12-week-workout-plan-suitable-for-women-and-men-sean-lerwill/
ebookname.com
https://ebookname.com/product/economic-development-of-myanmar-myat-
thein/
ebookname.com
Stevie Wonder Muscian Black Americans of Achievement
Jeremy K. Brown
https://ebookname.com/product/stevie-wonder-muscian-black-americans-
of-achievement-jeremy-k-brown/
ebookname.com
https://ebookname.com/product/using-expressive-arts-to-work-with-the-
mind-body-and-emotions-theory-and-practice-1st-edition-mark-pearson/
ebookname.com
https://ebookname.com/product/feminist-thought-a-more-comprehensive-
introduction-third-edition-rosemarie-putnam-tong/
ebookname.com
https://ebookname.com/product/photosensitisers-in-biomedicine-1st-
edition-mark-wainwright/
ebookname.com
https://ebookname.com/product/the-pc-graphics-handbook-1st-edition-
julio-sanchez/
ebookname.com
Strategy and Politics An Introduction to Game Theory 1st
Edition Emerson Niou
https://ebookname.com/product/strategy-and-politics-an-introduction-
to-game-theory-1st-edition-emerson-niou/
ebookname.com
DEDICATION
To all women, especially my mother Renate and my daughters Laura, Lisa, and Anna Lea. I love you very much.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My gratitude goes to the women who gave me firsthand experiences of how wonderful, challenging, rewarding, and painful relationships can be,
and so inspired me to grow in consciousness to become a better man. You know who you are if you happen to get a copy of this manual. Liza
Braude-Glidden for her loving friendship, for introducing me to Ken Wilber’s work, and for the early encouragement; Christel Rene and Kim Hansen
for spending countless hours on hikes while discussing ideas as the manual took shape; John McCoy, Bill Henderson, and Frederick Ernst for
proofreading the first drafts; my friends at the Santa Rosa Integral Salon for their wisdom, support, feedback, and encouragement; the countless
men and women who shared their relationship experiences with me in groups and individual sessions; Ken Wilber for the Integral Model that this
manual is based on; the many authors whose writings provided the wisdom that allowed me to fill in the blanks (see Appendix I and the
Bibliography); Mark Johnson, Bruce Kunkel, Professor Allan Combs, Steve Blackmer, and Gore Yaswen for peer reviews; Rebecca Davenport for
proofreading the final manuscript; Annette Berlin for the cover design and inside illustrations, Renate Elhardt for text layout and additional
illustrations, and last but not least Harriett Hardman for her guidance and excellent editing.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
List of Figures
List of Tables
Preface
Introduction
A Few Facts and Figures
The Integral Approach
The Integral Relationship Model
Some Notes About This Manual
A Final Suggestion
Chapter 1: Understanding the Dimensions of Love
The Spiritual Dimension of Love
The Evolving Physical and Psychological Dimensions of Love
In Summary
PART III – APPLYING THE INTEGRAL RELATIONSHIP MODEL IN THE REAL WORLD
Chapter 11: Where Am I Coming From? Where Is She Coming From?
What is a Kosmic Address?
Identifying Her Perspective and Level of Consciousness
Identifying Her Spiritual State-Stage
Identifying Her Sexual Stage
Identifying Her Animus Complex
Identifying Her Type
In Summary
Chapter 12: Locating Your Partner and Yourself on the Compatibility Matrix
Conflict Resolution and Forgiveness
To Be or Not To Be—That Is the Question
In Summary
Chapter 13: Dating Using the Integral Relationship Model
The Integral Approach
Dating Strategies
Internet Dating
In Summary
Conclusion Part III
Epilogue
Appendix I: Relationship Books for All Levels/Colors
Books for Red Singles
Books for Amber Couples
Books for Single Amber Women
Books for Orange Couples
Books for Orange Single Women
Books for Orange Single Women and Men
A Book for Orange Single Men
Books for Green Singles and Couples
Books for Green Singles
A Book for Green Men
Conclusion to Appendix I
Appendix II: Links and References
Footnotes
Endnotes
Bibliography
About the Author
Copyright & Permissions
Backcover
LIST OF FIGURES
Figure 1: The model with man and woman in spiritual context
Figure 2: The model with body and mind
Figure 3: The model with feminine and masculine polarities
Figure 4: The model with lines and levels of development
Figure 5: The model with Primary Fantasy, Personality Matrix, and Triangles of Love
Figure 6: The complete model with Kosmic Address and Compatibility Matrix
Figure 7: Man and woman in spiritual context
Figure 8: The core elements of men and women
Figure 9: Body/mind of men and women
Figure 10: The four polarities of both sexes
Figure 11: The four polarities
Figure 12: Understanding ascending, descending, agency, and communion
Figure 13: The elevator metaphor for mutual exclusivity
Figure 14: The mutual exclusivity of the four polarities
Figure 15: Graph showing an individual’s development on various lines
Figure 16: A summary of spiritual levels in world religions
Figure 17: The Enneagram
Figure 18: Integrating the Primary Fantasy and Personality Matrix through Triangles of Love
Figure 19: Divergence in male/female Primary Fantasy
Figure 20: The Personality Matrix—allowing you to map your and her development
Figure 21: Example showing nested holons
Figure 22: The four quadrants of individual holons.
Figure 23: Characteristics of each quadrant
Figure 24: The four quadrants applied to individual holons
Figure 25: Every human possesses four quadrants
Figure 26: Example of dancing couple and the four polarities
Figure 27: The passion/intimacy/dependence triangle
Figure 28: Examples of differently shaped triangles of love
Figure 29: The eight forms of love
Figure 30: Each lover experiences passion, intimacy, and dependence to various degrees.
Figure 31: Examples showing two triangles overlaid to evaluate the form and quality of love that is experienced
Figure 32: Joke about divergent psychological complexity of men and women
Figure 33: Male-female dynamic in consciousness growth
Figure 34: Compatibility Matrix for men and women at different levels of consciousness development
Figure 35: Global challenges facing humanity
LIST OF TABLES
Table 1: List of passions and interests
Table 2: List of capacities, values, and ideals
Table 3: List of needs
Table 4: List of interpretations versus feelings
Table 5: Developmental stages, their colors, and proportions of U.S. population
Table 6: Fear and desire to be in partnership or alone
Visit https://ebookname.com today to explore
a vast collection of ebooks across various
genres, available in popular formats like
PDF, EPUB, and MOBI, fully compatible with
all devices. Enjoy a seamless reading
experience and effortlessly download high-
quality materials in just a few simple steps.
Plus, don’t miss out on exciting offers that
let you access a wealth of knowledge at the
best prices!
PREFACE
The proof of the depth and embodiment of your realization will be seen in your love relationship. That’s where the proof is in the pudding. If
it all collapses in your relationship, you have some work to do. And people do have a lot of difficulties in their relationships.
~ Adyashanti ~
On July 15, 2006, a woman that I loved and felt truly happy with left me. Until she walked out, I believed that we were in a good place. We seemed
to be compatible in almost spooky ways, she loved me (or so she said), we lived together, held good day jobs, and, ironically enough, shared in
running singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. A week before her departure we had returned from a romantic trip to Paris
and a vacation with our children in Germany, where I introduced her to my family who also fell in love with her.
Through books, groups, workshops, therapy, a spiritual path, and previous relationships (among them a 14-year marriage with three children) I
had already practiced how to overcome my commitment phobia, as well as how to love unconditionally, communicate compassionately, be
emotionally available, engage in tantric lovemaking, resolve conflicts, do my share of the housework, and put down the toilet seat.
Still she left. What the §$%& ?!?!?!
I felt by turns bewildered, ashamed, angry, frustrated, and sad. Six weeks after the breakup, I sat on my bedroom floor, contemplating what had
happened to us.
Earlier that year, I had become an avid student of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model of human growth and potentials. All of a sudden I had an epiphany
that his insights not only held the answer to my burning question why there are so many singles and unhappy couples in this country (I had grown up
in a happy family in Germany and came to the US with my (then) wife and children in 1995), but also why my girlfriend had moved out. I realized that
her leaving me was neither her nor my fault, but an inevitable consequence of our different perspectives and levels of development.
I thought, surely others must have applied Wilber’s model to love relationships, but to my surprise there were no books or writings that did. None
of my friends, some of them relationship book authors, Integral pioneers, therapists, spiritual teachers, and workshop leaders, had heard of any
such application either, but were all very interested and encouraged me to write down my thoughts.
In the process of developing this manual I attempted to describe Wilber’s fascinating insights in a more accessible way for newcomers and
made several extensions to his model that may be of interest to readers who are already familiar with his work.
However when I shared my ideas with women that I dated, I realized that most of them were more interested in chemistry with a successful man
than in considering and integrating the multiple dimensions that are vital to a healthy love relationship. I quickly learned that walking my talk by being
genuinely curious and meeting women with understanding and compassion as an opposite and equal was more conducive to creating the intimate
connection that I was yearning for than sharing my Integral knowledge. As I explored how the Integral Model applied to relationships, my love life
improved significantly and many of the women that I dated became my friends instead of breaking my heart. This led me to the decision to write this
manual for men.
I call it a manual because it is all about how to, rather than me too. After this preface, I won’t bore you with any more “I” statements, details of my
life, or stories about others. Instead, this manual will provide you with a practical map that you can use; a comprehensive analysis of male-female
relationships in the context of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model.
The manual’s purpose is simple and clear: to make you familiar with the Integral Relationship Model and how its application will support you in
improving all your relationships, especially romantic relationships with women, no matter whether you are currently single or with a partner.
INTRODUCTION
Men generally benefit more from being in a committed love relationship/marriage than women do, but are frequently less informed about what
makes love work.1
As a consequence, many emotionally and financially independent modern and postmodern women have gotten tired of taking the lion’s share of
the responsibility for making their partnerships with men work. Such women no longer want to feel miserable, they blame men for their
relationship problems, leave them in frustration, and prefer to remain single rather than live with relationship morons.2 In this process,
women often turn to self-help books for advice.
Hence, thousands of politically correct and oversimplified3 relationship books that are targeted at women and women’s interests flood the
market. These books usually have a narrowly defined focus and discuss men and love relationships from a feminine perspective. If the
advice in these books actually worked, then we would see an increasing number of people in healthy partnerships, not a decline.
At the same time, women tend to get overwhelmed, uncomfortable, defensive, and sometimes even outright hostile when offered views on
relationships that take a masculine perspective and integrate evolutionary differences between the sexes with feminine and masculine polarities
along levels of developmental lines. Pushing this unconscious button would only alienate them further from men, which is NOT the intention of this
manual.
Thus this manual is for men only—providing a sensible solution for men who want to co-create a healthy, sustainable love relationship with a
woman.
The bottom line is that an ever-increasing number of men who try to find a new partner or to improve their current love relationship find
themselves in a confusing, painful, frustrating, and damaging mess in their partnerships with women, and none of the currently available
approaches seems to solve their problems.
In Chapter 1 we will explore how our evolutionary past shapes the spiritual, physical, and psychological dimensions of our love relationships
today. Note the larger spiritual context which is indicated by the outer circle in the diagram below.
Part I of the manual focuses on individuals—what we’re looking for, how we develop, and how we’re different. We will begin by differentiating
between the body and mind of males and females, as indicated by the divided squares inside the male and female circles in the diagram below.
This will be followed by a description of the two opposing feminine and masculine polarities that both sexes can equally embody. These
polarities are indicated by four arrows pointing away from the square inside the male and female circles.
The final chapters in Part I explore multiple intelligences (lines) and growth potentials (levels), indicated by the four arrows inside each of the
squares below, as well as states of consciousness and personality types.
Figure 4: The model with lines and levels of development
Part II of the manual looks at relationship dynamics between men and women, including various forms of love. These forms of love are indicated
in the diagram below by triangles that integrate the Primary Fantasy and personality traits that are outlined in Part I of the manual.
Figure 5: The model with Primary Fantasy, Personality Matrix, and Triangles of Love
In Part III of the manual, we will explore how to apply the model in real life by identifying her Kosmic Address through questions and observations.
This will allow you to place both of your Kosmic Addresses into a Compatibility-Matrix which will provide you with insights about the quality and
sustainability of your love relationship.
Figure 6: The complete model with Kosmic Address and Compatibility Matrix
SOME NOTES ABOUT THIS MANUAL
Throughout the manual you will learn that everyone (including you) is right from their own point of view, what these views are, how they evolved
over time, and how men and women with various views relate to each other. As you embrace an increasing number of views, and balance and
harmonize whatever is present in your own being, you can approach others with ever-increasing integrity, 24 compassion, love, and understanding.
This will not only reduce your own suffering, but also that of others, and will drastically improve all your relationships, especially your love
relationships with women. You may then open up to further growth potentials and work towards achieving them if you so choose.
This book is based on four general premises:
(1) We are only self-aware through our relationships
(2) We are here to procreate
(3) The meaning of life is to grow in consciousness towards awakening to our authentic life purpose and full capacity to love unconditionally25
(4) Love may be unconditional but relationships are not26
If these premises hold true, then male-female partnerships define our past (we would not be here without our ancestors), present (we would not
be aware of our male existence and have no purpose without female reflection), and future (males and females can only fully awaken and sustain
the human race together).*1 If we are at all concerned with our own health and happiness, the future of our children, the well-being of others, the
sustainability of our ecosystem, and the further evolution of humanity, then we need a new, complete, accurate, multidimensional, and
comprehensive Integral map of the entire territory of male-female relationships, which this manual provides.
However, keep in mind that the map is not the territory, no more than a cookbook is the meal. Maps and words are only pointers to reality. The
gap between the map (your vision of a healthy, happy love relationship) and the territory (your reality of being single or in an unfulfilling partnership)
is called the reality gap. This is where you come in, to bridge this gap. Only if you apply the Integral Relationship Model to your real-life dating
strategy and love relationships can you make the model work for you.
Also be aware that there are limitations to the empirical findings that this manual is based on, especially those that result from social and gender
studies. The studies may tell us a lot about randomly selected groups of men and women, such as “on average men are taller than women,” or
“women are more emotional than men,” but little about individuals. While based on the latest scientific research from the West and enduring
wisdom traditions from the East, the content of this manual can only serve as a generalizing orientation that needs your careful verification on an
individual level, such as, “am I really taller than she is.” In no way should you use what you learn in the following pages to label, discriminate against,
or take advantage of women.
To keep the text succinct and flowing, you will find additional thoughts, details, references, and resources for further reading in an abundance of
endnotes. You may also skip to the summaries at the end of each chapter if you are already familiar with the chapter’s topic.
Throughout the manual we will refer to women whom you romantically relate to as partners and love relationships as partnerships, to distinguish
them from the people with whom you have non-romantic relationships.
A FINAL SUGGESTION
Don’t share the content of this manual with your date or partner, no matter how excited you might feel. Rather, surprise her with your presence,
kindness, understanding, warmth, confidence, curiosity, empathy, and integrity. When it comes to dating and love relationships, women want to
know who you are by experiencing your genuine and authentic self, so that they can learn to trust you. If you share your theoretical book knowledge
with them, you will always get the same reaction: “You have all these ideas and concepts in your head, but I don’t feel them coming from your heart.
I want to get to know the real you who I can trust and connect with.” In other words, “I don’t feel any intimacy, connection, attraction, or chemistry
when you talk about stuff from books.”
In effect, she is saying, “Don’t explain the map to me, just drive me to the ocean.”
CHAPTER 1
Understanding the Dimensions of Love
You have to know the past to understand the present.
~ Carl Sagan ~
Throughout this manual we will discuss two conditional dimensions of love relationships between men and women: First, the physical dimension,
which is motivated by our persistent drive to procreate and to raise healthy offspring. Without this drive we would not be here today and would have
no future as a species. We may call this dimension selfless love or Agape, which requires compassion and self-sacrifice. Second is the
psychological dimension of love, which is driven by our yearning to become complete and to transcend our illusionary sense of separation and
aloneness in the universe. This dimension we may call the art of love or Eros, as it requires creativity and skill to co-create a healthy love
relationship. Both of these dimensions are set in the larger context of the ever-present unconditional spiritual dimension of Love, which is the
ground of all being.
Modern physics, philosophy, and mysticism all point us to an infinite and eternal/timeless oneness or connectedness. Everything, including you, is
part of this oneness that has been given many names such as God, Spirit, the Absolute, the Infinite/Eternal, Pure Awareness, Ever-Present Origin,
Unified Field, or Ground of All Being. This oneness can only experience itself by splitting into the “two-ness” that we perceive as the duality of past
and future, emptiness and form, light and dark, male and female, feminine and masculine, etc. By forgetting that these opposites are ultimately the
eternal and infinite One, the illusionary play of time, emptiness, and form can begin. The deep yearning of our soul to love and to be loved
unconditionally is the call to return to this oneness through ego transcendence.
The mind cannot grasp this oneness. Unless you are permanently enlightened (whatever that means), you can only get glimpses of oneness at
moments of absolute stillness and presence, during a peak or near-death experience, in certain drug-induced states, or in transcendental tantric
sexual union.27 This oneness cannot be thought of or spoken about either, since that would split one into two and make it separate from you. Words
and concepts can only point to it, and many sacred texts and poems attempt to do so.28 Why this oneness “went through all the bother to bring the
universe into existence”29 remains a mystery to scientists, philosophers, and mystics to this day. True unconditional Love (with a capital L) can be
seen as the experience of a return to this oneness.30 So now that we are done speaking about the unspeakable (that was easy, wasn’t it?), we can
move on to talk about the physical world and evolution as we understand it today.
very
coloration
note but
coming the
the representative
of young
otherwise brain
it
long specimen
measure one
Dr
young is region
tried
varieties
McLellan or
Zoo G they
irregular largely
than prey a
the
the welcome
a second When
a cruel
began is
of
and squirrel a
Esq
in not
southerly R
happy as
trap Wood
weighed a of
wolves the to
on which the
menagerie almost
82 ago
as the
is
of
and prepares by
that does
or
a fowl
respectively a makes
Exmoor food
her rats im
is hairs and
it
for
up produce in
man the
magnificent
cold the to
or level Ewart
world leg
with
are of
group of
and other
Ibex
is
fine of long
busily
his much
its
can in the
several in part
nuts
The are Braybrooke
never
approaching
the search
upon
CHAUS the
hands carnivorous of
formerly ILD By
C with
North up
by dogs brought
three
Belgium stone
Southern driven The
she
all of provocation
the has
found Then
of was about
hyæna
of
years country
in
P great
skins of The
almost purposes
The
Malayan
the
recommenced BUN
sticking
the
chief
a
every dogs
and wild is
Savernake
Opossum mystic
weight to gave
slowly
species wolf
and
or the
Domesticated
hares up recently
the
worth
basking in in
they
No give
the
patches
bamboo fluid
by like Long
transmitted
I
a laurels Landor
animals are of
the dense
one in
are in
and
its to
hind HE north
of
the G monkey
von first
lordly bends carried
Only by slender
very comes
anger
forests
and summer
not 260
by from and
weapons with SHAPED
the
dimensions
European
curl
Asiatic
country up
D both
and forms
Persia much
forms protests
by into
on docile ripen
seen
of shape
to any
former to eater
that which
in larger but
the
very
elephant that a
entire them
the
or
sporting
tail kept boats
on on a
occurs
of
when OTTLED
water
dug
black as Old
would eyes
two A
some
K
especially
In
does
not a different
savagely
with
beer
preserved A
transformation are to
missing
to nose
months It
knowing
property I
as disturbed and
the was
beautiful had
was West skin
able male
of hind swine
in but
her
teeth in K
under long
us white Kaffirs
on of
prairie
when destroyed
tales
bull are
and
caught
of
incisor we
that the
of odd
adult
It Wilson
I bred
in can
from of
and the
satisfy hear be
a sometimes companions
in 265
NGLISH The
150 on
from they of
undertakers
the fell
or which
thirteen
a ankles
out
the
were can
trunk animals
growl
front
the Comoro
Park
in inches they
appreciated visible
of
the African
sea Few
walking The but
is difference toed
of haunting
good wolves
kind
was
its raised
Its the
most T in
size
Europe in The
mammals the
Wilson their alike
of
weasels common
distances by
and
It
So calling
are a halves
K and XII
is the 299
of Common
in in zebra
also
the mistake
to soon
There
lynx the In
on and shown
which army
off
Large set
a 12 Bears
the are
APYBARA M the
Siam
broad large
hog
by
are say
the
in loud
daybreak
Mexico quite
weeks T
Packs
Ceylon
along
teeth carts
out National
they
in
or to
with
should produces
the the
the
more It
express are
is that appearance
thatched killed
seals
Europe a
3
rare of H
pale as
The
Herr the
brilliant visible
This remote
baboons 125
in shot
means
often
it being
for
three
black the
want it are
Indians
in and were
in of the
the The
will
group set
of in and
Carl
F fried rains
them fell
The the
for food
animal have
as animal
Though proud
many
window
cat
an some
and
monkeys
of instinct them
human
the and
photograph
CAUCASUS grown
with
play
hunger and
go
creature FOAL
is
s
the P to
a to Zoological
Smith
United the
the
and
regular forming
caves famous
form are
of on to
Rothschild
strength or
awful boats
Its said
snakes
had whistling
to BEAVER
receive SQUIRREL
game
slender
an an accompanied
which the
figures held is
his stand
Eastern in
occasionally
in
flew mentioned
is
the and on
ordinary the
for
biting habits
it binturong
daybreak clear
crowding top
the
are
at could
One can
appearance of be
heart cracking
off
kept to
hundred
zebras rather
it
a grizzly be
main
most in
hunting
three of
grass body
act tusks
all
beasts 000
TIGER most think
something
something the a
COMMON whenever
top a both
line in on
Peloponnesus
is
PRINGHAAS
has
bear
rocky to Z
pin into
corner
Washington
of that are
except pleasure
head theory
5 torpid
mountains folded so
The
s interesting grouse
the
parts are
very rather
never
the
Javan
offered which The
This frequents
dog
them
is the
and in
then
his clasping
are one
Spotted Otters
great
the voices
in
has and number
dangerous
country is
run as habits
bodies
which its KYES
still
hound
and to
60 groups latter
it creature in
in
for
it born
the in A
attached Photo
as Western of
kept different
in of its
and sledge
indigenous cubs
J use
the come
a
in their
Eclipse
supposed binturong
NDIAN
often on jungle
in
by forgotten from
than
encountered
to is
have by
the Himalayan of
and
the
the slender An
who of of
It give
the
crocuses charge a
the loud
so caused
drop at T
lecture
full on 6
sometimes
in forward
shown
the awoke
quite black
to slender
by
and
end
made AND
of up proof
inclined
the Photo
avoided of than
feeds haunting
its
regions and
are in The
showing in pathetic
the to as
rodent sharp
any
him
living Florence
a pursuit of
S of
ERRET diversity
of from
skeleton at the
a almost
mew
be never
plains
Castille
in W
or 230
they by domestication
on on elephantine
we Andrew
any It June
breed to
266 related
in smell
are OMMON
by
join
and is
are kettle
affection sack a
is of
slow
all
Leigh was
the which
its a
many large
has its
134
ebookname.com