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 DEDICATION

To all women, especially my mother Renate and my daughters Laura, Lisa, and Anna Lea. I love you very much.
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
My gratitude goes to the women who gave me firsthand experiences of how wonderful, challenging, rewarding, and painful relationships can be,
and so inspired me to grow in consciousness to become a better man. You know who you are if you happen to get a copy of this manual. Liza
Braude-Glidden for her loving friendship, for introducing me to Ken Wilber’s work, and for the early encouragement; Christel Rene and Kim Hansen
for spending countless hours on hikes while discussing ideas as the manual took shape; John McCoy, Bill Henderson, and Frederick Ernst for
proofreading the first drafts; my friends at the Santa Rosa Integral Salon for their wisdom, support, feedback, and encouragement; the countless
men and women who shared their relationship experiences with me in groups and individual sessions; Ken Wilber for the Integral Model that this
manual is based on; the many authors whose writings provided the wisdom that allowed me to fill in the blanks (see Appendix I and the
Bibliography); Mark Johnson, Bruce Kunkel, Professor Allan Combs, Steve Blackmer, and Gore Yaswen for peer reviews; Rebecca Davenport for
proofreading the final manuscript; Annette Berlin for the cover design and inside illustrations, Renate Elhardt for text layout and additional
illustrations, and last but not least Harriett Hardman for her guidance and excellent editing.
 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
List of Figures
List of Tables
Preface
Introduction
A Few Facts and Figures
The Integral Approach
The Integral Relationship Model
Some Notes About This Manual
A Final Suggestion
Chapter 1: Understanding the Dimensions of Love
The Spiritual Dimension of Love
The Evolving Physical and Psychological Dimensions of Love
In Summary

PART I – THE BIOLOGICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKEUP OF MEN AND WOMEN

Chapter 2: Understanding the Differences Between the Sexes
Sex: Physical/Biological Differences Between Males and Females (Body)
Gender: Cultural/Learned Differences Between Men and Women (Mind)
Polarities: Masculine/Feminine Potentials for Both Sexes (Soul)
In Summary
Chapter 3: Lines of Development for Human Intelligences
The Many Facets of Humanness
Building Relationships through Shared or Compatible Passions and Interests
Identifying and Discussing Capacities, Values and Ideals
Talking About Needs and Neediness
Opening Up to Feelings
In Summary
Chapter 4: Levels of Growth
Consciousness Development (Colors)
Spiritual Development
Development of Sexuality
Anima and Animus Complex Development
In Summary
Chapter 5: States of Falling in Love
Phase 1 – Lust
Phase 2 – Romance
Phase 3 – Commitment
Your Gift That Keeps On Giving
Addicted to Love
Integrating Chemistry with Reason
In Summary
Chapter 6: Evaluating Personality Types
NLP Types
 Five Love Languages
The Enneagram
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Astrology
Other Types and Beliefs
In Summary
Conclusion Part I

PART II – MEN AND WOMEN COMING TOGETHER

Chapter 7: Primary Fantasy and Personality
Attractiveness at Different Levels of Consciousness
Personality Matrix
In Summary
Chapter 8: Our Drive To Connect
Holons, Always Partial, Already Whole
Characteristics of Individual Holons
Social Holons
In Summary
Chapter 9: Passion/Intimacy/Dependence
The Three Sides of the Triangle
The Eight Forms of Love
Aligning His and Her Triangles
In Summary
Chapter 10: Differences in Male and Female Consciousness Development
The Male-Female Co-Creation of Consciousness
From Archaic to Transpersonal
Transcend and Include/Exclude
Feminine Flow and Masculine Structure Create the River
Errors Along the Way
Ladder, Climber, View
Psychological Healing
In Summary
Conclusion Part II

PART III – APPLYING THE INTEGRAL RELATIONSHIP MODEL IN THE REAL WORLD
Chapter 11: Where Am I Coming From? Where Is She Coming From?
What is a Kosmic Address?
Identifying Her Perspective and Level of Consciousness
Identifying Her Spiritual State-Stage
Identifying Her Sexual Stage
Identifying Her Animus Complex
Identifying Her Type
In Summary
Chapter 12: Locating Your Partner and Yourself on the Compatibility Matrix
Conflict Resolution and Forgiveness
To Be or Not To Be—That Is the Question
In Summary
Chapter 13: Dating Using the Integral Relationship Model
The Integral Approach
Dating Strategies
Internet Dating
In Summary
Conclusion Part III
Epilogue
Appendix I: Relationship Books for All Levels/Colors
Books for Red Singles
Books for Amber Couples
Books for Single Amber Women
Books for Orange Couples
Books for Orange Single Women
Books for Orange Single Women and Men
A Book for Orange Single Men
Books for Green Singles and Couples
Books for Green Singles
A Book for Green Men
Conclusion to Appendix I
Appendix II: Links and References
Footnotes
Endnotes
Bibliography
About the Author
Copyright & Permissions
Backcover
 LIST OF FIGURES
Figure 1: The model with man and woman in spiritual context
Figure 2: The model with body and mind
Figure 3: The model with feminine and masculine polarities
Figure 4: The model with lines and levels of development
Figure 5: The model with Primary Fantasy, Personality Matrix, and Triangles of Love
Figure 6: The complete model with Kosmic Address and Compatibility Matrix
Figure 7: Man and woman in spiritual context
Figure 8: The core elements of men and women
Figure 9: Body/mind of men and women
Figure 10: The four polarities of both sexes
Figure 11: The four polarities
Figure 12: Understanding ascending, descending, agency, and communion
Figure 13: The elevator metaphor for mutual exclusivity
Figure 14: The mutual exclusivity of the four polarities
Figure 15: Graph showing an individual’s development on various lines
Figure 16: A summary of spiritual levels in world religions
Figure 17: The Enneagram
Figure 18: Integrating the Primary Fantasy and Personality Matrix through Triangles of Love
Figure 19: Divergence in male/female Primary Fantasy
Figure 20: The Personality Matrix—allowing you to map your and her development
Figure 21: Example showing nested holons
Figure 22: The four quadrants of individual holons.
Figure 23: Characteristics of each quadrant
Figure 24: The four quadrants applied to individual holons
Figure 25: Every human possesses four quadrants
Figure 26: Example of dancing couple and the four polarities
Figure 27: The passion/intimacy/dependence triangle
Figure 28: Examples of differently shaped triangles of love
Figure 29: The eight forms of love
Figure 30: Each lover experiences passion, intimacy, and dependence to various degrees.
Figure 31: Examples showing two triangles overlaid to evaluate the form and quality of love that is experienced
Figure 32: Joke about divergent psychological complexity of men and women
Figure 33: Male-female dynamic in consciousness growth
Figure 34: Compatibility Matrix for men and women at different levels of consciousness development
Figure 35: Global challenges facing humanity
 LIST OF TABLES
Table 1: List of passions and interests
Table 2: List of capacities, values, and ideals
Table 3: List of needs
Table 4: List of interpretations versus feelings
Table 5: Developmental stages, their colors, and proportions of U.S. population
Table 6: Fear and desire to be in partnership or alone
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 PREFACE

The proof of the depth and embodiment of your realization will be seen in your love relationship. That’s where the proof is in the pudding. If
it all collapses in your relationship, you have some work to do. And people do have a lot of difficulties in their relationships.
~ Adyashanti ~

On July 15, 2006, a woman that I loved and felt truly happy with left me. Until she walked out, I believed that we were in a good place. We seemed
to be compatible in almost spooky ways, she loved me (or so she said), we lived together, held good day jobs, and, ironically enough, shared in
running singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. A week before her departure we had returned from a romantic trip to Paris
and a vacation with our children in Germany, where I introduced her to my family who also fell in love with her.
Through books, groups, workshops, therapy, a spiritual path, and previous relationships (among them a 14-year marriage with three children) I
had already practiced how to overcome my commitment phobia, as well as how to love unconditionally, communicate compassionately, be
emotionally available, engage in tantric lovemaking, resolve conflicts, do my share of the housework, and put down the toilet seat.
Still she left. What the §$%& ?!?!?!
I felt by turns bewildered, ashamed, angry, frustrated, and sad. Six weeks after the breakup, I sat on my bedroom floor, contemplating what had
happened to us.
Earlier that year, I had become an avid student of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model of human growth and potentials. All of a sudden I had an epiphany
that his insights not only held the answer to my burning question why there are so many singles and unhappy couples in this country (I had grown up
in a happy family in Germany and came to the US with my (then) wife and children in 1995), but also why my girlfriend had moved out. I realized that
her leaving me was neither her nor my fault, but an inevitable consequence of our different perspectives and levels of development.
I thought, surely others must have applied Wilber’s model to love relationships, but to my surprise there were no books or writings that did. None
of my friends, some of them relationship book authors, Integral pioneers, therapists, spiritual teachers, and workshop leaders, had heard of any
such application either, but were all very interested and encouraged me to write down my thoughts.
In the process of developing this manual I attempted to describe Wilber’s fascinating insights in a more accessible way for newcomers and
made several extensions to his model that may be of interest to readers who are already familiar with his work.
However when I shared my ideas with women that I dated, I realized that most of them were more interested in chemistry with a successful man
than in considering and integrating the multiple dimensions that are vital to a healthy love relationship. I quickly learned that walking my talk by being
genuinely curious and meeting women with understanding and compassion as an opposite and equal was more conducive to creating the intimate
connection that I was yearning for than sharing my Integral knowledge. As I explored how the Integral Model applied to relationships, my love life
improved significantly and many of the women that I dated became my friends instead of breaking my heart. This led me to the decision to write this
manual for men.
I call it a manual because it is all about how to, rather than me too. After this preface, I won’t bore you with any more “I” statements, details of my
life, or stories about others. Instead, this manual will provide you with a practical map that you can use; a comprehensive analysis of male-female
relationships in the context of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model.
The manual’s purpose is simple and clear: to make you familiar with the Integral Relationship Model and how its application will support you in
improving all your relationships, especially romantic relationships with women, no matter whether you are currently single or with a partner.
 INTRODUCTION

It is not a measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

~ Jiddu Krishnamurti ~

Men generally benefit more from being in a committed love relationship/marriage than women do, but are frequently less informed about what
makes love work.1
As a consequence, many emotionally and financially independent modern and postmodern women have gotten tired of taking the lion’s share of
the responsibility for making their partnerships with men work. Such women no longer want to feel miserable, they blame men for their
relationship problems, leave them in frustration, and prefer to remain single rather than live with relationship morons.2 In this process,
women often turn to self-help books for advice.
Hence, thousands of politically correct and oversimplified3 relationship books that are targeted at women and women’s interests flood the
market. These books usually have a narrowly defined focus and discuss men and love relationships from a feminine perspective. If the
advice in these books actually worked, then we would see an increasing number of people in healthy partnerships, not a decline.
At the same time, women tend to get overwhelmed, uncomfortable, defensive, and sometimes even outright hostile when offered views on
relationships that take a masculine perspective and integrate evolutionary differences between the sexes with feminine and masculine polarities
along levels of developmental lines. Pushing this unconscious button would only alienate them further from men, which is NOT the intention of this
manual.
Thus this manual is for men only—providing a sensible solution for men who want to co-create a healthy, sustainable love relationship with a
woman.

A FEW FACTS AND FIGURES

A multitude of studies have evaluated the status of adult relationships today, generating lots of statistics. Some of the most relevant results are:
84 million Americans (44% of the adult population) live alone.4
Over 30 million adults are trying to find a partner online or through singles organizations.5
The number of singles is constantly increasing, with negative effects for their physical and emotional health, their socioeconomic status, and the
size of their ecological footprint.6
Between 40% and 50% of marriages in America will end in divorce, 7 with only 7% of first-time marriages and 15% of all couples experiencing
marital satisfaction over an extended period of time.8
Over two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women.9
The emotional and financial suffering of men tends to be larger after a divorce or breakup than that of women.10
The suicide rate of divorced fathers is ten times higher than that of divorced mothers11 and four times higher for men in general.12
The prospects for physical and emotional health, income, job security, promotions at work, sexual satisfaction, and life expectancy generally
increase for men who are in a partnership or marriage. The same holds true for women only if they are with a supportive partner, otherwise they
decrease.
Men find most women to be sexually attractive, while modern and postmodern single women consider less than 5% of available men to be
suitable partners.13 Since men naturally compete for attractive women, they get repeatedly ignored, rejected, or dumped,14 while many single
women complain that there are no good available men out there.
Some women even believe in the urban myth that there are two women for every man in our adult population, while in actuality the overall US
population is fairly balanced between the sexes.15
Relationship books top the self-help category and approximately 90% of those books are purchased and read by women.16 Women are also the
main consumers of partnership-oriented media content such as newspaper articles, magazine articles, and radio and TV programs. Women also
typically outnumber men at churches, support groups, singles events, dating websites, and relationship seminars/workshops (unless the event has
“sex” in the title).17
These resources appear to make women even more critical, unsatisfied, and demanding in their relationships with men, while they are often
suspicious and feel manipulated if men try to improve their relationship skills by the same means.18

The bottom line is that an ever-increasing number of men who try to find a new partner or to improve their current love relationship find
themselves in a confusing, painful, frustrating, and damaging mess in their partnerships with women, and none of the currently available
approaches seems to solve their problems.

THE INTEGRAL APPROACH

Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems that we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.”
This new level of thinking about love needs to come from men who are integrally informed and motivated to take responsibility for their part in the
co-creation of male-female partnerships.
Integral means whole, complete, or comprehensive. The term was adopted by the renowned American philosopher, psychologist, and writer
Ken Wilber (1949- ), who spent over four decades of his life creating a coherent map of human growth and potentials.19
He considered all recurring patterns of human wisdom and knowledge from the East and West and integrated the largest amount of research
from the greatest number of disciplines—including the natural sciences (physics, chemistry, biology, neurology, and ecology), art, ethics, religion,
psychology, politics, business, sociology, and spirituality—that had stood the test of time. The result was his Integral Model which has already
been used in such fields as politics,20 ecology,21 economics, medicine, law, art,22 management, education, and spirituality.
This manual describes an Integral Relationship Model—the first application of Ken Wilber’s Integral Model to dating and the co-creation of
healthy love relationships.23

THE INTEGRAL RELATIONSHIP MODEL

In this manual we will integrate the multiple dimensions and potentials of our humanness to explain how men and women co-create different
forms of love relationships. Below is an outline of how the manual is organized and how the Integral Relationship Model is constructed.

In Chapter 1 we will explore how our evolutionary past shapes the spiritual, physical, and psychological dimensions of our love relationships
today. Note the larger spiritual context which is indicated by the outer circle in the diagram below.

Figure 1: The model with man and woman in spiritual context

Part I of the manual focuses on individuals—what we’re looking for, how we develop, and how we’re different. We will begin by differentiating
between the body and mind of males and females, as indicated by the divided squares inside the male and female circles in the diagram below.

Figure 2: The model with body and mind

This will be followed by a description of the two opposing feminine and masculine polarities that both sexes can equally embody. These
polarities are indicated by four arrows pointing away from the square inside the male and female circles.

Figure 3: The model with feminine and masculine polarities

The final chapters in Part I explore multiple intelligences (lines) and growth potentials (levels), indicated by the four arrows inside each of the
squares below, as well as states of consciousness and personality types.
 Figure 4: The model with lines and levels of development

Part II of the manual looks at relationship dynamics between men and women, including various forms of love. These forms of love are indicated
in the diagram below by triangles that integrate the Primary Fantasy and personality traits that are outlined in Part I of the manual.

Figure 5: The model with Primary Fantasy, Personality Matrix, and Triangles of Love

In Part III of the manual, we will explore how to apply the model in real life by identifying her Kosmic Address through questions and observations.
This will allow you to place both of your Kosmic Addresses into a Compatibility-Matrix which will provide you with insights about the quality and
sustainability of your love relationship.

Figure 6: The complete model with Kosmic Address and Compatibility Matrix
SOME NOTES ABOUT THIS MANUAL
Throughout the manual you will learn that everyone (including you) is right from their own point of view, what these views are, how they evolved
over time, and how men and women with various views relate to each other. As you embrace an increasing number of views, and balance and
harmonize whatever is present in your own being, you can approach others with ever-increasing integrity, 24 compassion, love, and understanding.
This will not only reduce your own suffering, but also that of others, and will drastically improve all your relationships, especially your love
relationships with women. You may then open up to further growth potentials and work towards achieving them if you so choose.
This book is based on four general premises:
(1) We are only self-aware through our relationships
(2) We are here to procreate
(3) The meaning of life is to grow in consciousness towards awakening to our authentic life purpose and full capacity to love unconditionally25
(4) Love may be unconditional but relationships are not26
If these premises hold true, then male-female partnerships define our past (we would not be here without our ancestors), present (we would not
be aware of our male existence and have no purpose without female reflection), and future (males and females can only fully awaken and sustain
the human race together).*1 If we are at all concerned with our own health and happiness, the future of our children, the well-being of others, the
sustainability of our ecosystem, and the further evolution of humanity, then we need a new, complete, accurate, multidimensional, and
comprehensive Integral map of the entire territory of male-female relationships, which this manual provides.
However, keep in mind that the map is not the territory, no more than a cookbook is the meal. Maps and words are only pointers to reality. The
gap between the map (your vision of a healthy, happy love relationship) and the territory (your reality of being single or in an unfulfilling partnership)
is called the reality gap. This is where you come in, to bridge this gap. Only if you apply the Integral Relationship Model to your real-life dating
strategy and love relationships can you make the model work for you.
Also be aware that there are limitations to the empirical findings that this manual is based on, especially those that result from social and gender
studies. The studies may tell us a lot about randomly selected groups of men and women, such as “on average men are taller than women,” or
“women are more emotional than men,” but little about individuals. While based on the latest scientific research from the West and enduring
wisdom traditions from the East, the content of this manual can only serve as a generalizing orientation that needs your careful verification on an
individual level, such as, “am I really taller than she is.” In no way should you use what you learn in the following pages to label, discriminate against,
or take advantage of women.
To keep the text succinct and flowing, you will find additional thoughts, details, references, and resources for further reading in an abundance of
endnotes. You may also skip to the summaries at the end of each chapter if you are already familiar with the chapter’s topic.
Throughout the manual we will refer to women whom you romantically relate to as partners and love relationships as partnerships, to distinguish
them from the people with whom you have non-romantic relationships.

A FINAL SUGGESTION
Don’t share the content of this manual with your date or partner, no matter how excited you might feel. Rather, surprise her with your presence,
kindness, understanding, warmth, confidence, curiosity, empathy, and integrity. When it comes to dating and love relationships, women want to
know who you are by experiencing your genuine and authentic self, so that they can learn to trust you. If you share your theoretical book knowledge
with them, you will always get the same reaction: “You have all these ideas and concepts in your head, but I don’t feel them coming from your heart.
I want to get to know the real you who I can trust and connect with.” In other words, “I don’t feel any intimacy, connection, attraction, or chemistry
when you talk about stuff from books.”
In effect, she is saying, “Don’t explain the map to me, just drive me to the ocean.”
 CHAPTER 1
Understanding the Dimensions of Love
You have to know the past to understand the present.
~ Carl Sagan ~

Throughout this manual we will discuss two conditional dimensions of love relationships between men and women: First, the physical dimension,
which is motivated by our persistent drive to procreate and to raise healthy offspring. Without this drive we would not be here today and would have
no future as a species. We may call this dimension selfless love or Agape, which requires compassion and self-sacrifice. Second is the
psychological dimension of love, which is driven by our yearning to become complete and to transcend our illusionary sense of separation and
aloneness in the universe. This dimension we may call the art of love or Eros, as it requires creativity and skill to co-create a healthy love
relationship. Both of these dimensions are set in the larger context of the ever-present unconditional spiritual dimension of Love, which is the
ground of all being.

THE SPIRITUAL DIMENSION OF LOVE

Figure 7: Man and woman in the spiritual context

Modern physics, philosophy, and mysticism all point us to an infinite and eternal/timeless oneness or connectedness. Everything, including you, is
part of this oneness that has been given many names such as God, Spirit, the Absolute, the Infinite/Eternal, Pure Awareness, Ever-Present Origin,
Unified Field, or Ground of All Being. This oneness can only experience itself by splitting into the “two-ness” that we perceive as the duality of past
and future, emptiness and form, light and dark, male and female, feminine and masculine, etc. By forgetting that these opposites are ultimately the
eternal and infinite One, the illusionary play of time, emptiness, and form can begin. The deep yearning of our soul to love and to be loved
unconditionally is the call to return to this oneness through ego transcendence.
The mind cannot grasp this oneness. Unless you are permanently enlightened (whatever that means), you can only get glimpses of oneness at
moments of absolute stillness and presence, during a peak or near-death experience, in certain drug-induced states, or in transcendental tantric
sexual union.27 This oneness cannot be thought of or spoken about either, since that would split one into two and make it separate from you. Words
and concepts can only point to it, and many sacred texts and poems attempt to do so.28 Why this oneness “went through all the bother to bring the
universe into existence”29 remains a mystery to scientists, philosophers, and mystics to this day. True unconditional Love (with a capital L) can be
seen as the experience of a return to this oneness.30 So now that we are done speaking about the unspeakable (that was easy, wasn’t it?), we can
move on to talk about the physical world and evolution as we understand it today.

THE EVOLVING PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DIMENSIONS OF LOVE

Throughout history, human males and females have co-created mutually compatible biological and psychological characteristics that drive us to
sustain the human race. What may look like male oppression of females from today’s perspective was actually (with the regrettable exceptions that
we see to this day in some parts of the world) a mutually beneficial arrangement for the survival of both sexes, which has resulted in significant
increases in human population, longer life expectancy, and more comfort. Today we experience this evolutionary drive to procreate and to
complement each other’s psyche through various forms of love.
Let’s now take a brief look at history from the point of view of the evolution of the sexes.
For a long time after the Big Bang about 13.7 billion years ago, there was only space and dead matter (quantum particles, atoms, clouds of gas,
rocks, stars, planets, and galaxies).
About 4 billion years ago the first biological life forms appeared on earth as simple sexless organisms.31
About 1 billion years ago, the opposite sex emerged when certain life forms evolved to reproduce by combining their genetic material through
sexual reproduction and so passed it on to future generations. Today it is widely believed that mutations in genes generated an increasing variety
of species32 of which, through sexual and natural selection, only the fittest and/or most adaptable/cooperative survived to further procreate.33
About 225 million years ago, the first warm blooded mammals came into existence.
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