.

'
Conflict
for Win/Win
Liz Ashe M.Ed.,

.
Conflict
Conflict Is:
"A perceived divergence of interest, or a belief that the parties' current
aspirations cannot be achieved simultaneously."
Pruitt and Rubin in Social Conflict
Think Of the Word Conflict. Write down the first words that come to mind.
Conflict is generally seen as negative. Adults spend a lot of energy avoiding or
resisting conflict, fighting over things that don't really matter, or just fighting for the sake
of winning. Conflict is everywhere. It is a fact of life. Disputes are part of everyday
living. Some are trivial, some are deeply rooted and some are extremely important. No
a!l conflict is bad or negative.
Conflict can be negative if it:
escalates
causes anger and/or hostility
hurts feelings
causes lessened self-esteem
lingers and festers
disrupts the ability to solve problems
produces barriers to cooperation
diverts energy from important tasks
decreases productivity and morale
polarizes groups into WE and THEY
People aren't given an opportunity
to save face
1
Conflict can be positive if
opens discussion for cooperation
leads to problem solving
fixes things
is seen as a motivator for change
is constructive
contributes to the well-being of people
moves organizations forward
leads to a higher level of
communication
helps people grow
releases pent-up emotions in a positive
way
How people think about and handle conflict, determines whether it is positive or
negative. It is easier to judge others than ourselves. It is easier to want others to
change, than change ourselves. We all have goals, needs and wants. We all have
egos, self-esteem issues and personality styles. We all have "rules" and opinions, and
the desire to feel in control. Conflict occurs when there is an imbalance and clash
between these things. Conflict occurs when people lose sight of the common mission
or goal.
--h
1
Examples of Issues Tttat Cause Conflict Jl r
---->;? t..Ntr \ o p lP <.Y?{LrG! 6f"Y\_.flt Le.J - \0
V4r\L '3GV.x- -np tf d s. t..Jf l Lj
Organizational Conflicts: Interpersonal Conflicts:
Unrealistic expectations
Change
I) Stressful conditions
Environmental issues
Limited resources
Poorly defined responsibilities
Unlike goals, values, work ethics
Lack of information
Poor communication
Downsizing, Lay-offs,
\
Restructuring
lf Turf wars
3) Management styles
Unclear expectations
)
Conflicting values
Lack of team work
Favoritism
5) Lack of respect
Unmet needs
Lack of security
Having little or no control
Differences over an issue or values v
Poor communication v"
1 Clash between opposing opinions /
, .;< Personality clashes v-
s Struggle for master or power V::
Desire to get own needs metv
Character attacks
Inflexibility - Narrow mindedness
Assumptions v
Different interpretations of reality/
Competition
Stress v
2
Differences in personality styles
Differences in work styles
Past resentments
Cultural differences
If Age and/or Gender differences
Different interests
Same interests that conflict
Unmet needs
Rules broken
We aren't taught conflict resolution skills. V'l/e learn from past experiences and also we
learn from what works.
Conflict usually causes Reactive Behavior
We learn how to react. This is different from our normal, ACTIVE rational adult
behavior when we have no fears and our needs are met and life is in balance.
Our REACTIVE behavior is a knee jmk reaction to imbalance. This behavior
serves as a coping mechanism.
Behavior of people who fight to win
or get their way:
Use demeaning language
Threaten
Use bully tactics - SCREAM
Appeal to your emotions, flatter
Offer a favor for a favor
Push your buttons intentionally
Making people feel guilty
Placing blame
Garbage dumping from the past
Play the victim
Give shoulds and should nots
Go underground, sabotage
Ridicule or poke "fun" at
Act superior
Devalue others' opinions
Embarrass in front of others
Call attention to your faults
Get even
Behavior of people who withdraw or
yield:
Walk away, leave
Clam up
Suffer in silence
Become the victim
Cry
Sabotage
Complain to others
Talk to others
Just agree to shut person up
Back down, give in, give up
Fantasize
Hide from the person
Avoid the subject
Do anything to keep the peace
Procrastinate
Put up walls
Don't let people in
Don't tell how they feel
What behavior can you identify, from thtllists above, in yourself?
What behavior would you like to change'?
3
These behaviors represent the most common ways people respond to conflict
FIGHT
FLIGHT
ACCOMMODATE
Force, domination, power games of I win, you lose.
Little concern for the other person.
Avoidance, withdrawal, I'm out of here. I lose, you
win.
Placate, smooth over. You agree to disagree,
lose/lose. Temporary cover-up. Sweep it under the
rug, maybe it will go away. Time will take care of the
problem.
What is your reactive mode at home? P FLIGHT ACCOMMODATE

What is your reactive mode at work? FIGHT
These styles are useful in certain circumstances but rarely resolve conflicts.
1. Force:
3. Avoid:
3. Accommodate:
When to each style
When you need immediate action or a temporary solution.
When both partit:1s recognize the power relationship.
If the issue is trivial or the loss outweighs the gain. If you
don't have enoUf]h time or are too emotionally charged. If
you lack conflict resolution skills.
When the issue is minor. If you need to buy time or if
tempers are too hot. If not doing so would damage the
relationship.
Conflict resolution is based on the decision to problem solve and work out
differences so that both people win. It is "us" against the problem/issue, not one
against another. It is based on mutual goals and flexible options. Personalities are not
attacked and differing opinions are respected.
4
MOVING TOWARD PROBLEM SOLVING AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Effective conflict resolution uses a problem solving technique. It is based on the
premise that conflict is a red flag indicating something needs fixing. It means working
together to problem solve, determine options, discover common ground, and find
mutually acceptable solutions. It's a matter of US against the PROBLEM rather than
US AGAINST US. That's how you move beyond fight, flight or flight.
PROBLEM SOLVING Both parties agree to problem solve based on common
goals. Both sides are listened to and needs get met through
listing options and mutually agreeing on a solution and on
building a partnership.
Building a partnership means that both parties need to:
Be willing to meet and discuss the facts
Identify common ground
Look for win/win
Focus on real needs/issues
Be flexibility and willing to see another side
No one person with all the "Control"
Respect for all
Personalities kept out of discussion
Finding solutions for problems
Looks to the future, give up the past
Be honest and open
Provide opportunities for all to contribute
This will not be easy. We are human. Our ways of dealing with conflict is ingrained,
it's a habit. We have to work hard to unlearn old behavior, let go of old history and start
new. We must give up the mindset that someone must win and someone must lose.
Conflict Resolution is a decision or a CHOICE. In any conflict situation you initially
to make several decisions: -
1. Is this a real problem that needs fixing?
2. Is this worth your time and effort?
3. Is more appropriate to cut your loses and move on?
4. Is the other person willing (able) to problem solve?
5. Can you be flexible and see the other side?
P(JA)f--e J-o rwk ~ ~ ~ ~ .
,.
0
CONFLICT TECHNIQUES
1. Accept that differences will occur.
You may not be aware of your own rules and biases! You don't have to agree
with the other person's position, you just have to let them have one and try to
see their position.
2. Mutually set ground rules before the meeting starts.
a. Agree to avoid behavior that escalates conflict such as:
personal attacks, insults, sarcasm
screaming, yelling
nonverbal communication, staring, glaring
threats, power shifts
leaving
silent treatment (passive aggressive)
blame
b. No interrupting
c. Stick to the facts, keep personalities out
d. No digging up the past t
e. Be non-judgmental --7 joclc\MQY\ -=-
f. Use open and honest communibLtion
g. Harm no one
h. Allow room for everyone's point of view
i. Keep on task, stay with the issue at hand
j. Have a spirit of cooperation
:3 4. Mutually agree on what to do if the ground rules are broken and the
discussion escalates.
4. Identify the problem or the heart of tht! issue, unemotionally.
a. What are we trying to achieve?
b. What are the facts?
5. Find common ground
a. What are the areas of agreement
b. What is the common goal or shared vision?
c. What do both sides want to achieve?
6
6. Dialogue Techniques
a. Use good listening skills (see Listening 101)
b. Flip a coin to decide which side goes first.
c. Winner of toss gives their side, needs etc. without interruption. They define the
issue in their terms unemotionally. They may share feelings and concerns (!-
messages).
d. Second group listens without interrupting and then, asks for clarification, facts
etc., if needed.
e. Second group defines the others' pm;ition to see if they fully understood. Note, if
the first group feels misunderstood, they restate their position.
f. Second group gives their side, needs, feelings etc., without interruption. (see
#1).
g. First group asks for clarification, facts etc., if needed.
If second group feels misunderstood, they restate their position.
7. Weigh the Pros and Cons of Each Side and Look at Options
a. Each group silently considers the pro's and con's of the others' views.
b. Each group states the Pro's and Con's without judgment.
c. Brainstorm for options or solutions you could live with (do this silently on paper if
necessary).
d. List the options you can live with or agree on.
e. Choose one that is agreeable and choose an alternate if that doesn't work.
f. Try it, then meet back to discuss how it is going. If it isn't working, start back at
step 7.
Note: If at any time the discussion remind members of the ground rules. If
this doesn't work, take a break, or reschedule the discussion for another date.
uW (A)LA_QJ)

.
'+&c:v:> w_c&._ ..
'-V!v:_ UJ-1911)) en cLsv-o


fa.r+nsh , p
7
Listening 101
To improve your listening:
1. Close your mouth and decide to listen. j.
0
J ~ ~ i s =-of-Tn ion5
2. Open your mind and suspend judgments._,.-:::y L)
3. Concentrate on the issue, not personalities.
4. Avoid communication blockers such a ~ :
Interrupting, Brushing Off, Sarcasm, Insults/Name Calling, Globalizing, Judging,
Blaming, Commands or Orders, Switching the Focus to Self, Advice, Lectures,
Shoulds, Should nots, Cheer-Up, Consoling, Put Downs.
7. Use minimal verbal responses such as: "Ah huh", "I see", "Go on", "Tell me
more".
8. Use open-ended questions and phrases to gain more information.
"What else is going on?"
"How can I help you?"
"Please explain."
"How did this happen?"
''What happened next?"
"I'd like to hear more."
''What would you like to see us do in the future?"
"How can we resolve this to your satisfaction?"
9. Clarify the facts or summarize what the speaker said.
"See if I have this correct. You're saying we made a mistake in the order and over
charged you, is that correct?"
"So what you're saying is .... "
"I'm hearing that I need to ..... "
"As I understand it, you're saying we have a problem with .... "
10. Practice reflective listening to show empathy for speaker's feelings. Use
phrases that identify a possible feeling and reason.
"It is frustrating to wait so long."
"I sense that this situation has upset you."
"Sounds like you are pretty sad about your friend leaving"
"Not making the team can really hurt,_"
"The computer system can be very annoying at times."
11. Bridge back to the issue if emotions start to flare.
8
Conflict Management Guiding Principles
1. Preserve your dignity and preserve the dignity of others.
2. Give up trying to change others and change what needs changing in yourself.
3. Learn to express your feelings without blame (!-messages).
4. Listen to others' feelings without judgment.
5. Acknowledge your own weaknesses and strengths. Develop your strengths, know
your "hot buttons".
6. Give up the myths that conflict should be avoided, that all conflict is bad, and that
conflict is a contest.
7. Stick to facts and behavior, not personalities.
8. Realize that conflict just is.
9. Develop a mindset of discovery rather than what is right or wrong.
10. Move from fight to possibility. Don't get caught up in a problem. Be willing to
explore all sides and develop an understanding of the complete picture.
11. Learn to choose your reaction, rather than operating on automatic pilot. Learn to
shift your emotions to issues, feelings to facts, from ego to an action-plan.
12. Don't assume or analyze what someone means, ASK.
13. Recognize the difference between facts and opinions. We often state an opinion
as facts. This can come across hostil3.
14. Have a plan of action if the conflict start to escalate.
15. If emotions and feelings are strong, deal with the emotions first. Rational problem
solving is nearly impossible when emotions are running high.
16. See conflict as an opportunity for growth.
17. Learn to co-create solutions based upon a commonality of purpose. Strive to look
for areas of agreement. Have in your own mind what you want, can give up, and
absolutely want.
9
TIPS FOR MANAGING YOUR REACTION TO CONFLICT OR VERBAL ATTACKS
It is easy to get caught off guard and feel defensive when people verbally attack. But
effective communication does not happen when you are defensive. Follow these tips to
maintain your cool while under fire.
1. Don't take negative comments personally.
Realize that people's words are their opinions, not necessarily the "truth" or the
only opinion. Separate others' words from your own self-concept and identity.
Be willing learn and grow from useful feedback. Only accept feedback and
criticism, that builds and helps you grow. Tell yourself to "CANCEL" criticism or
words that are meant to hurt, humiliate, belittle, or destroy you.
2. Try to remember, your power base is to stay calm, centered, balanced and in
control of your emotions. The aggressor's power base is to get you off balance.
Certain individuals may even take pride in being able to do exactly that. You
can't control others, but you can control your defensiveness and reactions.
Try to remain focused on the issue or problem and look for common ground.
Don't fight back and add fuel to their fire. Stand up for yourself, but act from the
"firm" adult component of your personality. They are in their "child" component.
Stand tall and look the person in the eyes. If they stand, stand.
If emotions flare up, get back to the content area or take a cool off time.
3. Decide not to escalate arguments with excuses, blame, harsh words, tit for
tat, sarcasm etc.
4. Ask yourself if you play a role in the situation. If you do, fix it.
5. Adopt a win/win attitude. Don't argue who is right or wrong. There is more than
one way to do something, and there are many different ideas or concepts of right
or wrong. Ask yourself how you would feel in the same situation and try to see
things from their perspective. Propose possible solutions.
6. In your mind, refuse to be a target. Develop protective mechanisms in your
mind.
See yourself in a protective bubble that bounces off insults
Put up an umbrella and let the insults run off
Pull the lever on the alligator pit
See each of you in bumper cars
Say to yourself "Oh well"
10
7. Learn to deflect insults (in a calm vc1ice):
With a question (Ask for more inforr_nation)
"You are lazy"
"What would you like to see me doing?"
"You can't get anything right."
"What have I done wronr.;(L
"Your filing system is so unorganized."
"How would you like to see it done in the future?"
"You are a real jerk sometimes."
"What has happened to make you feel this way?"
"You never should have handled the account that way!"
"What would you have done in my place?"
"We just aren't on the same plane. Your ideas are way off base!"
''What parts are we in disagreement on?"
'Working with you is impossible."
''What do you think will happen if we can't resolve our
differences?"
With Fogging. (Agree with only what is true, but not the insult)
"Your desk is a mess, you are so unorganized"
"Yes. my desk is a bit rnpssy, but I can find alii need."
By agreeing with the truth of the not the insult. (Negative
assertion)
"You are so stupid leaving the burner on like that."
"You are right. leaving it on was a stupid thing to do."
By using tentativeness. Agree with the possibility.
"That will never work."
"You may be right. but I'd like to see for myself."
By saying nothing. You may choose not to respond at all.
Be reporting your feelings and then :?top talking.
"You take all the credit around here."
"Wow. That comment just took the wind out of my sails." {silence)
11
By accepting it as their opinion.
"You aren't good enough for the job."
"That's how you see it.
"Your idea has no merit.
"That's your opinion. I don't agree."
"This movie is boring."
"Everyone is entitled to their opinion."
By ignoring the insult and on the main issue.
"Your service stinks, isn't there anyone here who knows their job?"
"How can I be of service."
"You are such a moron, you left the-car running and the doors unlocked."
"Thanks for pointing that out to me."
By refusing to argue
"I can't stand the way you ... and ... and ... "
"I don't think we can so!ye things while you are so angry. I'll be
glad to talk about it when things are cooled down."
By buying time when caught off guard.
"I'm caught off guard, I need time to think about this."
"This is short notice, I'll get back to you."
"I don't fully agree, but I'll go along with it for now."
8. Continue to use active listening techniques and clarify often to find the main issue
or problem.
12
9. Learn to express your needs or feelings without arousing defensiveness in
others.
a. Avoid using words that are considered trigger or fighting words and cause
people to get on the defensive.
YOU "You didn't" ... ''You could have .. " Starting sentences with you can
be taken as an accusation, causing defensiveness.
WHY If used with people it denotes blame, ''Why did you break the
lamp", "Why did you forget?" Why usually involves something that
can't be changed so focus on the future, "How can we see this
doesn't happen again?"
WHO A subtle way of laying biame.
NEVER- ALWAYS
There are very few always or never situations and these words
connote failure.
SHOULD -OUGHT
Judgmental words that people take as accusations and that they
Failed to measure up.
BUT Links a positive with a negative. People only hear what is said
after the BUT.
b. Use !-messages: !-messages allow you to express your need or feeling
without blaming the other person or putting them down. You are asking for a
change in behavior without criticism or insults.
There are four parts to !-messages:
1. I feel. .... (state the feeling)
2. When you ... (state the behavior)
3. Because .... (state the effect on you)
4. I need ..... (state what you want to happen)
betrayed
tell people what we spoke
of in confidence
it's humiliating
to you know that you can
be trusted.
"I'm sensing a change in your behavior and it concerns me. I'm worried that we
might be in conflict and our relationship is important to me. I need to talk about
what is going on."
Note: !-messages can be used for positives too: "I feel proud when you tell
others tell others of my skills because it lets me know you value what I do" !-
messages also give ownership: "I think that idea is crazy." (rather than you're
crazy).
13
10. If this fails, give yourself permission to feel. If someone "zings" you, it is normal
to feel something. Try to sort out your feelings and decide how best to
communicate with the individual, then and in the future. Sometimes ignoring the
whole thing is an option. Take deep breaths and develop stress busting
techniques and Learn tactics to use when dealing with the difficult behavior of
others. You may also need to consider if the environment is healthy for you to
stay in.
Tactics to Use When confronted VVith HOSTILE AGGRESSORS USING
BULLY TACTICS:
a. Refuse to be a victim and stand up to them. If possible be at the same eye
level and look them directly in the eyes. If they stand, you stand.
b. Let them vent. Listen for the real issue while they are letting off steam.
b. Realize that real bullies like an audience. Suggest moving the conversation
to another, more private location or ask the person to take a seat. The
movement often diffuses the person.
"Let's take this in private. I won't listen here".
c. You may want to call attention to the behavior or tactics. There is a chance
they don't know how strongly they are coming across. Consider these
examples.
"I can help you, but not while you are yelling."
"John, you interrupted me."
"It's hard for me to listen when I'm yelled at."
"I want to listen to your concerns, but not while you are yelling."
"Do you want me to stand here and listen to you yell, or would you like me
to see what I can to help solve this?"
"I normally don't like yelling, but if you want to get in a shouting match, I'm
willing to try it."
"I can see you are upset, however, I don't appreciate these insults. Let's
talk about the problem, not my personality."
"Yelling and swearing won't solve this or make the issue go away."
"I don't appreciate those remarlr.s."
"Ouch, that stung. Did you mean it to?"
Note: Silence or minimal verbal responses may work. "Go on", "Tell me more"
d. Use their name often.
e. Watch for non-verbal signs of escalation or danger. WHEN IN PHYSICAL
DANGER, REMOVE YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY AND GET HELP.
14
Job Conflict Questionnaire
This questionnaire will help you develop an appreciation of the symptoms of conflict in the workplace.
Answer the questions based on your opinion of where you work now.
'1. A few of our departments do not talk to each other
2. You frequently hear bad things about other departments
3. We seem to have more security guards than do most other places
4. You find a lot of graffiti about management in the bathrooms
5. People are fearful of making mistakes around here
6. Writing nasty memos or E-mail is common
7. We have considerable turnover in management
8. A lot of people at our place of business complain about ulcers and other
stress related illnesses
9. We have considerable turnover in employees
10. "Finger pointing" and blaming others happens frequently around here
11. We have a lot of strong cliques
12. You can almost feel the tension in some departments
13. A widely used expression around here is "They are a buncil of fools."
MOSTLY MOSTLY
AGREE DISGREE
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
D D
14. We Have had several incidents of vandalism and sabotage during the last year D D
15. We have a lot of bickering over such matters as who should do what job D D
16. Many people around here say, "That's not my job," when asked to do something
out of the ordinary.
17. Some departments in this organization are practically hated. D D
18. Our organization seems more like a roller derby than a tearn D D
19 People rarely help you out because they actually want you to look bad in the
eyes of management D D
20. We disagree more than we agree in our office D D
TOTAL NUMBER YOU AGREED WITH
Here is a rough scoring system. If you agreed with fifteen or more statements, you probably are working in a conflict-filled
environment. If you agreed with three or less items, it may mean, believe it or not, that your organization needs a bit more
conflict. Maybe people in your organization are getting too complacent. If you agree with four to fourteen items, your
company probably has the right mix of conflict and cooperation. Most organizations fall in this category.
15
References
Anderson, Kare. Getting What You Want: How to R,e!lCh Agreement and Resolve Conflict Every
Time. Penguin Books: New York, 1994.
Arapakis, Maria. How to Speak up, Set Limits and $_ay No Without Losing Your Lover. Job or Your
Friends. Warner Books, New York, NY 1990
Brewer, Kristine C. Personal Negotiating Skills. National Press Publications, Shawnee Mission,
Kansas., 1990.
Crum, Thomas. The Magic of Conflict. Simon and Schuster, 1987.
Felder, Leonard. Does Someone at Work Treat Yol! .Badly? Berkeley Books, NY 1993.
Fisher, Robert, and William Ury. Getting to Yes: Negotiating
Agreement Without Giving ln. Boston: Houghton Miffin Co., 1991.
Kindler, Herbert S. Managing Disagreement Constr!Jctively: Conflict Management in Organizations.
Crisp Publications, 1988.
Likert R. New way of managing conflict. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1976.
Murphy, Jim. Managing Conflict at Work. Zenger & Miller Inc. Business One Irwin Mirror Press, New
York, NY 1994
Newman, John E. How to Stay Cool, Calm and Collected When the Pressures On. Amacom, New
York 1992.
Sashkin, Marshall. Managing Conflict Constructively. Organization Design and Development, King of
Prussia, PA., 1989.
Tannen, Deborah. You just don't understand. New York: Ballentine Books, 1990.
Wisinski, Jerry. Resolving Conflicts on the Job. AMA New York: 1993.
16