Office of the Deputy Superintendent Instruction and Curriculum Division Literacy and History-Social Science Department

Samples of Proficient Writing with Commentaries Grade 2

Developed in collaboration with SDUSD teachers, principals and literacy support staff.

August 2006

San Diego Unified School District Office of the Deputy Superintendent Instruction and Curriculum Division Literacy and History-Social Science Department Samples of Proficient Writing with Commentaries Grades K-6 Overview The Literacy Department worked closely with teachers to develop standards-based writing rubrics. These rubrics are intended to provide a district-wide tool to support the teaching, learning, and assessment of writing utilizing consistent expectations. All writing applications identified in the Reading/Language Arts Framework are supported by a corresponding rubric. In addition, rubrics have been developed for all grade levels to support narrative texts, informational/expository texts, and response to reading to assure vertical alignment across grades. Samples of proficient student writing have been collected, analyzed, and scored by teachers in collaboration with the Literacy Department. These samples are accompanied by written commentaries that provide a clear rationale for scoring and are supported by specific examples from the student texts. Writing Rubrics All writing rubrics have been aligned to the Framework and content standards. The following abbreviations are used to reference the standards alignment: WS Writing Strategies WA Writing Applications RC Reading Comprehension LR Literacy Response and Analysis LS Listening and Speaking Strategies LC Language Conventions FW Framework The six components of writing assessed with the rubrics: ideas, organization, voice, word choice, sentence fluency, and conventions, have been influenced by the work of Vicky Spandel and are explicitly referenced in the Reading/Language Arts Framework (CDE, 1999, p. 26). These components have been aligned to three substrands of writing called out in the standards: writing strategies, writing applications, and writing conventions. Writers can demonstrate different levels of strength within and across writing applications. To honor the variability of student strengths/needs and the complexity of the writing standards, each column (advanced, proficient, basic, and below basic) includes a graduated scale that allows teachers to indicate relative strengths and areas for growth. For example, a writer may demonstrate well-developed ideas (Proficient 3), proficient use of organizational structures (Proficient 2), and voice that is appropriate to the audience and purpose but, perhaps, inconsistent (Proficient 1).

The holistic score is used to document the writers overall level of proficiency. However, it is important to remember that any evaluation of student achievement should be based on a rich body of evidence -- not on a single piece of writing. This rich body of evidence should include multiple writing applications and both prompted and processed texts. Writing Samples and Commentaries Each sample of proficient student writing is accompanied by a completed rubric and a written commentary that provides a rationale for and specific examples used to determine proficiency. The commentaries include the instructional context, student text, analysis, and instructional implications. The benchmark writing samples and commentaries are intended to serve multiple purposes: To inform instructional planning, To provide clear examples of proficiency for administrators, teachers, students, and parents, To provide benchmarks against which to determine student progress relative to grade level content standards, and To promote professional dialogue. Notes of Caution The benchmark writing samples and commentaries represent a work in progress. Currently, a single example is provided for most writing applications. A single example is, clearly, insufficient to fully describe proficiency for any writer, at any grade level, or for any writing application. Over time, many additional samples will be included to represent the scope and range of proficiency. Teachers are invited to submit samples of proficient student writing to the Literacy Department across the year to strengthen the current library of samples. Teachers are reminded that it is not necessary to score every piece of writing. Teachers may choose to engage in formal scoring for end-of-unit assessments, process writing that grows across a unit of study, monthly grade-level meetings, at designated times in the academic calendar, and/or to plan differentiated instruction. The primary value in analyzing student writing against a rubric is to inform instruction.

Please submit additional samples of proficient writing to: Donna Marriott Literacy and History-Social Science Department Eugene Brucker Education Center Room 2009

Note: In the absence of an authentic student text, this example has been produced to support teachers in their understanding of proficiency for this writing application.

Grade 2 Proficient Narrative Instructional Context: This piece is a personal narrative from the second grade student anthology (Houghton Mifflin) p. 152 Commentary Student Text Writing Application Ideas/Content One windy day I got a new kite. I had not The writer describes and explains an experience flown a kite in a long time. My dad took me to a of flying a kite with dad. The writer develops the big field to fly it. When we opened the package, a central idea of having fun while persevering in big gust of wind blew the instructions away. My spite of many obstacles and challenges (i.e., dad had to figure out how to put the kite together. wind blew instructions away, building a kite on It wasnt easy because the wind kept blowing a windy day, kite running into a tree, weather everything, but we got it put together. turning into rain, I cant wait to fly my kite again.). Then my dad let me hold the kite in my hand. The writer describes the process in detail (i.e., A huge gust of wind came by. I let go of my kite, When we opened the package I kept on held onto the string, and the kite went with the letting more and more string out). wind way up in the sky. I kept on letting more and Writing Strategies more string out until all the string was out. My Organization kite was so high I could hardly see it. I thought The writer groups related ideas into paragraphs to that it looked like a tiny dot. explain the events of the experience using a logical sequence (i.e., building the kite, flying the Suddenly, it got close to a tree. I pulled it in kite, collision with tree, conclusion). the opposite direction. My kite was in trouble. To Voice make matters worse, it started to rain. As I reeled The writer uses a firsthand account that supports my kite in, it started to pour. I saved my kite just the reader in imaging the events. (i.e., I cant in time. wait for the next windy day to fly my kite again.) Word and Language Choice I cant wait for the next windy day to fly my The writer uses words and phrases that describe kite again. the events in detail (i.e., When we opened the package, a big gust of wind blew the instructions away. I thought that it looked like a tiny dot.) Sentence Fluency Ideas are presented in complete, coherent sentences and paragraphs. Sentences effectively range from simple to more complex (i.e. My kite was in trouble. It wasnt easy because the wind kept blowing everything, but we got it put together.). Written English Language Conventions Conventions The writer uses grade level conventions. *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence. My New Kite

Instructional Implications: Study mentor texts to determine various ways that authors introduce and conclude personal narratives. Experiment with introductions and conclusions in student writing. Study mentor texts to determine how authors use literary devices such as onomatopoeia, dialogue, and simile to enhance meaning for a reader. Experiment with various genres. How would this piece look/sound as a poem, letter, chapter book, etc.?

Note: In the absence of an authentic student text, this example has been produced to support teachers in their understanding of proficiency for this writing application. Grade 2 Proficient Real World Correspondence

Instructional Context: This piece is a second draft piece written as part of a monthly pen-pal exchange with grade-alike students from a neighboring school. Student Text Commentary

May 17, 2006 Writing Application Ideas/Content Dear Bruce, The writer conveys information about a visit to Hi. Its me, your pen pal. I got your letter last the zoo (i.e., I went to the zoo with my family last year.). The topic builds on a topic initiated week. I red it to my friend Ross, my other friend by the pen-pal (i.e., the part about going to the Jimmy, and my mom. We all thout the part about zoo was the best part.) suggesting that the writer understands that pen-pal letters are a forum for going to the zoo was the best part. written conversations. I went to the zoo with my family last year. We spent a lot of time at the peting zoo because my little sister likes to feed the goats and tuch the sheep. I think the sheep are gross. My mom likes to see the birds so we went into the bird aveeary for a long time. We saw a rair bird. The man told us that the bird was almost xteek. My favorite part of the zoo is the hippos because they look so big and fat on the land part but when they are under water they are relly light and kind of floty. What is your favorite part of the zoo? Did you buy any thing at the zoo? I bought a post card to send to my gramy. I hope you can write back soon. Yours truly, Mickey Writing Strategies Organization The writer includes a format appropriate for a letter (i.e., date, salutation, signature). The writer organizes the letter into coherent sentences that maintain a consistent focus on the zoo. Voice The writers voice is appropriate to the audience (i.e., Hi. Its me, your pen pal. I got your letter last week. I red it to my friend ) and purpose (i.e., I hope you can write back soon.). Word and Language Choice The writer uses a variety of topic specific words and phrases (.e., petting zoo, rare bird, extinct, aviary ). The writers voice is conversational (i.e., Hi. Its me ) and invites conversation/response by posing questions (i.e., What is your favorite part of the zoo? Did you buy any thing at the zoo?). Sentence Fluency The writer uses complete and coherent questions throughout the letter. The writer crafts sentences that clearly connect (i.e., Did you buy any thing at the zoo? I bought a post card to send to my grammy.).

Written English Language Conventions Conventions Grade level conventions are mostly correct. *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence. Instructional Implications: Study mentor texts to explore the ways in which authors use descriptive language to clarify and tighten up images (as a way to move the writer past vague terms like kind of and a long time). Provide supports/structures for self- and peer-editing to strengthen the use of correct spellings for published/public writing. Explore the range of salutations and closings that writers use to add interest to personal correspondence (e.g., Hi Bruce, From Your Friend).

Grade 2 Proficient Informational/Expository Text

Instructional Context: This piece is a published final draft culminating a six-week unit on biography. Student Text Have you ever heard of Jackie Robinson? He was the first African Americans to play in the major league. Jackie Robinson was born in 1919 in Cairo, Georgia. His parents was poor because they had no money so he went to school to earn money for his family. He gave his mother the money to buy several things because they were poor. Jackie Robinson was successful in playing baseball. He loved playing football and baseball. Jackie was lucky a person because he played with the white people on the Brooklyn Dodgers. He was married to a women name Rachel and they had three children so they can cheer him on. Jackie Robinson made a impact on the world. He left college to get more money for his family because they were still poor. When Jackie was done with baseball he wanted to help people if they have problems. Jackie was a special person. They all said Jackie was a great man because he had perseverance and had courage. Jackie makes me want to help people if they have a problem. I want to be a leader because I care for everyone. Writing Strategies Organization The organization of the piece is appropriate to the genre. The writer groups related ideas into paragraphs. (Note: the second paragraph wanders.) Voice The writers voice is appropriate to the genre. The writing shows a balance of factual description (i.e., Jackie Robinson was born in 1919 in Cairo, Georgia.), personal feelings (i.e., Jackie Robinson made an impact on the world.), and reflections (i.e., Jackie makes me want to help people if they have a problem.). The writers voice is authoritative and shows a strong commitment to the topic. Word and Language Choice The writer includes some descriptive detail and alternative word choices to describe Jackie Robinson (i.e., special person, lucky, great man, made an impact, had perseverance, courage). Language choices support the meaning of the text. Sentence Fluency Sentences are mostly complete and coherent, however, the flow of the piece is interrupted by a lack of transition words/phrases between paragraphs. Commentary Writing Application Ideas/Content The writer expresses the central idea of a famous persons life (i.e., persevering and caring for others) through the events and experiences of Jackie Robinson. The writer provides sufficient detail to support of the central idea. The writer includes a bibliography with four cited sources.

Written English Language Conventions Conventions Minor errors do not obscure meaning. The errors include subject-verb agreement (i.e., His parents was poor because they had no money so he went to school to earn money for his family.), stability of tense (i.e., When Jackie was done with baseball he wanted to help people if they have problems.). *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence. Instructional Implications: Consider an introduction that supports the central idea of the piece. Strengthen the organization by grouping ideas in each paragraph around a central idea. Assure that all events are sequential (as appropriate) in the piece to enhance clarity for the reader. Provide direct instruction in the use of verb tenses. Provide instruction in alternative word choices that add clarity and specificity (i.e., poor, problems).

Grade 2 Proficient Narrative Text Instructional Context: This is a first draft. Student Text 500 When I was at swimteam I was about to do a 500. A 500 is 20 lenths of the pool. I took deep breths and then boom, Im off the wall. It felt like a long time swiming a 500 but when I was done my time was 10 minits and 3 seconds. I beat everybodys time. And I wasent tired after the 500. When I got out of the pool I told my mom that and she was amased. I showerd and got dressed and then we went home. I told my dad the same thing and he was imprest to. My mom said I was a long distince swimmer. The End Commentary Writing Application Ideas/Content The writer develops a focused topic based on a familiar experience (i.e., When I was on the swim team, I was about to do a 500.) and a central idea (i.e., pride in being a long distance swimmer). Writing Strategies Organization The organization of the piece is appropriate to the genre. The event unfolds in a logical way within a clear timeframe. The writer moves the reader through a logical, descriptive scenario (i.e., I took deep breaths and then boom, Im off the wall. ). Voice Voice in this piece reveals the importance of the event to the writer (i.e., I beat everybodys time. When I got out of the pool I told my mom that and she was amazed. my dadwas impressed too.). The writers inclusion of the familys impressions adds strength to the notion of pride in accomplishment. The writers voice is authentic (i.e., I took deep breaths and then boom, Im off the wall.), considerate of the reader (i.e., A 500 is 20 lengths of the pool.) and adds interest to the message. Word and Language Choice The writers word and language choices are appropriate to the topic (i.e., long distance swimmer, deep breaths) and central idea (i.e., amazed, impressed). The writer describes a 500 and what it feels like to swim the race. The writer could have employed the use of alternative word/ phrases choices to avoid the use of I repetitively at the beginning of sentences. Sentence Fluency The sentences are complete, coherent, and connect throughout the text. Written English Language Conventions Conventions The writers grammar, punctuation, and capitalization are accurate. Spelling errors are

grade-level appropriate and do not interfere with meaning. (lenths [lengths], breths [breaths], minits [minutes], wasent [wasnt], amased [amazed], swimer [swimmer], showerd [showered], imprest [impressed], distince [distance]). The writer controls high-frequency words (i.e., when, about, deep, time, done, tire, after, told, long, same, thing, said). *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence. Instructional implications: Provide multiple opportunities through modeled/shared writing to discuss how to develop a moment in time with descriptive language. Study mentor texts to see how writers make alternate word choices and the impact of these choices. Develop word-solving strategies to support challenging spellings. Study how authors use paragraphs as an organizing construct that supports clarity and meaning.

Grade 2 Proficient Informational/Expository Text Instructional Context: Process writing on a self-selected topic. Student Text Whales Whales are interesting animals. Killer Whales are about twenty-five feet long. Some whales weigh up to four or five tons. Some whales have baleen and some have teeth. Whales are the largest animals in the world The biggest whale in the sea is the bluewhale. The blue whale is on hundred feet long. Whale babies are born in the sea The moms go to breeding water to mate or give birth. The moms put their flipper under the babies to lift their baby to the surface of the water to breathe. Whales like to eat lots of food. Whales eat lots of fish and seals. Some whales eat millions of krill every day. Kill are tiny shrimps that are near the sea surface. Whales live in many oceans. But they like it in colder water. They live in polar seas. Whales are my favorite animals. I love to learn as much as I can about them. Bibliography Whales By John Lockyer Writing Strategies Organization The writer provides an array of facts that are interesting. However the links between these facts and the central idea are not clear. Related ideas are grouped together with the exception of the first paragraph that wanders from quick facts about length, weight, teeth and size. Voice The writers voice is appropriate to the genre. The language and word choices occasionally reveal the voice of the writer (e.g., Whales are my favorite animals. I love to learn as much as much as I can about them.). Word and Language Choice The writer uses topic-specific language throughout the piece (e.g., baleen, flipper, surface of the water, polar seas). The writers descriptions range from vivid (The moms put their flipper under the babies to lift the baby to the surface of the water to breath.) to vague (Whales like to eat lots of food. Whales eat lots of fish and seals). Sentence Fluency The sentence structure is appropriate throughout the piece. The sentences within most paragraphs are connected and build logically. Commentary Writing Application Ideas/Content The writer states a central idea (i.e., Whales are interesting animals.). The writer supports this idea with many facts about specific whales (i.e., killer whales, blue whales) and different attributes of whales (i.e., baleen/teeth, size, diet, habitat). The writer cites a single reference in the bibliography and appears to draw information from this source.

Written English Language Conventions Conventions The writer has control of capitalization and demonstrates control of spelling appropriate for an edited piece (e.g., breathe, their, twenty-five, millions, polar). *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence.

Instructional Implications: Expose the writer to a variety of mentor texts to study how authors reveal voice in expository writing. Strengthen the writers understanding of the links between the central idea and the running text. Strengthen the writers understanding of coherence within a paragraph by rereading with a critical eye and ear.

Grade 2 Proficient Response to Literature Instructional Context: This response to literature is a first draft written independently. Student Text Commentary

Writing Application Ideas/Content The writer carries the central idea of Mirettes Mirette was a brave character in the story bravery throughout the response. By using key Starring Mirette an Bellini. Mirette helped Bellini events in the plot and an exploration of the character, the central idea (i.e., Mirette was a get out of jail. Mirette crossed the high wire brave character in the story.) is developed in a through darkness by doing the death walk. Mirette natural, straightforward manner. Analysis got Bellini out of jail so Bellini could escape. She The writer identifies and analyzes the literary and Bellini escaped and were able to cross a solid elements of character and plot in service of the central idea. river that no body had ever crossed before. Interpretation Mirette didnt think about her self and the dangers The writer articulates a personal perspective about the idea of bravery that is explored in the she faced she olny wanted to help her friend. analysis. Through this interpretation of the Mirette proved to be a young lady that took a risk important events in the story, the writers notions of human nature are revealed (i.e., to save Bellini from harm and danger. I learend Mirette didnt think about herself [she] you should help others if they are in need or in proved to be a young lady that took a risk to save Bellini from harm and danger.). trouble The writers interpretation supports the central idea around bravery. Support The writer provides text examples that support the interpretation of bravery (i.e., She and Bellini escaped and were able to cross a solid river that no body had ever crossed before.). Mirette Writing Strategies Organization The writers focus is sustained throughout the piece. Without being overly formulaic, the writer begins with a general statement about the character (i.e., Mirette was a brave character), provides details from the plot (i.e., Mirette crossed the high wire through darkness by doing the death walk.), interprets the characters actions (i.e., Mirette didnt think about her self and the dangers she faced she only wanted to help her friend.), and ends with a

personal connection to the piece (i.e., I learned you should help others if they are in need or in trouble.). The organization is appropriate to the genre and clear to the reader. Voice The writers voice is personal and informal (i.e., proved to be a young lady that took a risk ). The writers voice is infused throughout the piece. Word and Language Choice The writer includes some descriptive detail (i.e., crossed a high wire through darkness) as well as alternative word choice to describe Mirette (i.e., brave, young lady). Sentence Fluency All sentences are complete and clearly connect to one another. However, the last sentence appears to be somewhat contrived, not quite fitting with the flow and tone of the rest of the piece. Written English Language Conventions Conventions There are few errors in conventions, and none interfere with meaning. There is one run-on sentence, two misspelled words, and two sets of words that need to be combined into compound words. *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence. Instructional Implications: Provide authentic opportunities for the student to receive feedback on the impact of the conclusion (e.g., Does my conclusion fit with my piece? Is my conclusion supported by my examples?), Study mentor texts to explore how authors use paragraphs to group and elaborate on related ideas. Provide explicit instruction in compound words.

Grade 2 Proficient Response to Literature Instructional Context: This response to literature was a first draft written in response to a familiar text. Students were asked to do an independent brainstorm before writing their first draft. Student Text Commentary Writing Application Ideas/Content The writer describes and explains two central ideas conveyed through the text: (1) I believe the purpose is to enjoy your life while you have it. (2) I learned that you shouldnt waste your life not caring; you should enjoy your life while you have it. Analysis The writer focuses on a character analysis appropriate to the text (i.e., The old woman didnt make new friends. She was just wasting her life.). The writer provides a rationale for the characters actions (i.e., The old woman didnt make any new friends because then she might outlive them again and she would have that bad feeling again.). Interpretation The writer effectively interprets the motivation and response of the main character in this response. The writer shares a personal perspective (i.e., She was just wasting her life.) and a call to action (i.e., you shouldnt waste your life not caring; you should enjoy your life while you have it.). The writers interpretation supports the central ideas. Support The interpretation is supported with relevant information related to central idea and the characters choices (i.e., She had outlived all her friends and didnt want to make new ones.). Writing Strategies Organization The writer maintains a consistent focus around the central idea in a purposeful way. The piece includes: purpose, rationale, evidence, and personal perspective.

In Cynthia Rylants book The old woman who Named Things, I bilieve the purpase is to enjoy your life while you have it. The old woman didnt have any friends becase she hade out lived all of her friends. The old woman didnt make any new friends because then she might out live them again and she would feel that bad feeling again. She was just wasting her live. I leared that you shouldnt waste your live not caring you should enjoy you life whale you have it.

Voice Writers voice is authentic, confident, concise, and reflective (i.e., I believe the purpose is..., She was just wasting her life, you shouldnt waste your life). Word and Language Choice The writer uses some descriptive details (i.e., wasting her life, enjoy your life while you have it.) The words effectively convey meaning that is appropriate to the genre without retelling the story (i.e., includes author, title, I learned..., The purpose of the story is). Sentence Fluency The writer uses complete, coherent sentences that clearly connect throughout the text. Written English Language Conventions Conventions Spelling errors are minor (i.e., bilieve [believe], purpase [purpose], becase [because], hade [had], leared [learned], whale [while], live [life]). Use of grade level punctuation is appropriate. *To determine a students overall writing proficiency, analysis must span a body of evidence. Instructional Implications: Introduce paragraphs as a way to group and elaborate on similar ideas. Strengthen the use of descriptive details by studying mentor texts. Consider alternative word-choice for clarity and specificity. Strengthen the use of examples from the text to support a central idea. Strengthen editing strategies (spelling, run-on sentences, re-reading for minor errors).