The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 1

The Foolish Dictionary, by

Gideon Wurdz
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Title: The Foolish Dictionary

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 2

Author: Gideon Wurdz

Illustrator: Wallace Goldsmith

Release Date: April 1, 2007 [EBook #1989]

Language: English

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*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 3

[Illustration: GIDEON WURDZ.]

The FOOLISH DICTIONARY

An exhausting work of reference to un-certain English words,

their origin, meaning, legitimate and illegitimate use, confused
by A FEW PICTURES

BY WALLACE GOLDSMITH

Executed by GIDEON WURDZ Master of Pholly, Doctor of

Loquacious Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal Gibe Society, etc., etc.

COVER DESIGNED BY E.B. BIRD

JOHN. W. LUCE AND COMPANY BOSTON MDCCCCIV

Copyright, 1904, by THE ROBINSON, LUCE COMPANY

Boston, Mass., U.S.A.

2nd Edition August, 1904.

To MY DOG, Who first heard these lines And didn't run away
MAD, I Reverently Dedicate This Tome
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 4

"A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel."

Preface.

In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and

pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the
wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in
mind, the author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in
serious emulation of the worthier--and wordier--works of
Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the
parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his
flickering candle of fun to the shrine of their great memories.

With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has

been the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the
treatment of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant,
sober or stupid, this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone
to judge. However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity,
there be born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will
accredit himself worthy of his hire.

In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference

has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few
quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for
the rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from

GIDEON WURDZ.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 5

ABBREVIATIONS.

Bet. Between. Dist. Distinguish. Eng. English. Fr. French. Ger.

German. Grk. Greek. Lat. Latin. Syn. Synonym. v. i. Verb
intransitive. v. t. Verb transitive.

It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.

Distilled waters run deep.

=ABSINTHE= From two Latin words, ad, and sinistrum,

meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe
makes the jag last longer)."

*****

=ABSTINENCE=

[Illustration]

From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard. Hence,

water-tankard, or "water wagon."

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 6

=ACCESSION= A beheading process by which you may either

win or lose a political job. Old spelling, Axe-session.

*****

=ACCIDENT= A condition of affairs in which presence of mind

is good, but absence of body better.

*****

=ADAMANT= From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard

character. Hence, anything tough, or hard.

*****

=ADORE= From add, annex, and ore, meaning wealth.

Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiresses adore
them.

*****

=ADVICE= A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given

away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of
yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to
give than receive." =GOOD ADVICE= Something old men give
young men when they can no longer give them a bad example.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 7

*****

=ADVERSITY= A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted

friends.

*****

=AFFINITY= Complimentary term for your husband or your

wife. Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."

*****

=AFTERTHOUGHT= A tardy sense of prudence that prompts

one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in
it.

*****

=AGE= Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget

in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of
an old maid.

*****

=ALCOHOL= A liquid good for preserving almost everything

except secrets.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 8

*****

=ALDERMAN=

[Illustration]

A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From

Eng. all, and Greek derma, meaning skin--"all skin."

*****

=ALIMONY= An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the

judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, allay money).

*****

=ALLOPATHY= From Eng. all, everybody, and Grk. pathos,

pain. Pain for everybody. =HOMOEOPATHY= From Grk.
homoios, same, and pathos. Pain, just the same.

*****

=ALPHABET= A toy for the children found in books, blocks,

pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three
syllables.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 9

=ANCESTORS= The originators of the Family Tree, a

remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the
four fathers.

*****

=ANGEL= A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an

earthly eligible, with money and a heart.

*****

=ANTI-ROOMS= Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York

City.

*****

=ANTI-IMPERIALIST= A patriot whose conscience works

overtime.

*****

=ANTIMONY= A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in

1450, and now extensively used in the arts--particularly poker.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 10

=APPENDICITIS= A modern pain, costing about $200 more

than the old-fashioned stomach-ache.

*****

=ARGUMENT= Breaking and entering the ear, assault and

battery on the brain and disturbing the peace.

*****

=ARSON= Derived from the Hebrew. (See =INSURANCE=).

*****

=ARTIST= Commonly, the individual long haired and

short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income.
Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price
of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a
Sargent or a Paderewski.

*****

=ATHLETE=

[Illustration]
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 11

A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the

ashes.

*****

=AUGUR= One who bored the ancients with prophecies.

*****

=AUTOMOBILE=

[Illustration]

From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle which
ought to move, but frequently can't.

*****

=AUTOMOBILIST= A land lubber on wheels made up to

resemble a deep sea diver.

Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.

A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 12

=BABY=

[Illustration]

From Grk. babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from

who don't think theirs is a "wonder."

A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager

to give a wide berth.

*****

=BACHELOR= From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached. Hence,

an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get
stuck on.

*****

=BACKBITER= A mosquito.

*****

=BALANCE= Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost

by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 13

=BANDIT= An outlaw. See =ALDERMAN=.

*****

=BARBER= A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally

shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.

*****

=BARS= Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts

and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).

*****

=BARGAIN=

[Illustration]

A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and

developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud
talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and
foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling Bark-gain).

*****

=BASEBALL= A game in which the young man who bravely

strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 14

*****

=BAT= Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found
without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make
one short bat.

*****

=BEACH= A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with

lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a
haven--or heaven--for Smacks the year around.

*****

=BENEDICT= A married male.

=BENEDICTINE= A married female.

=BENEDICTION= Their children.

*****

=BERTH= An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower

preferred.

=BIRTH= An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher

preferred.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 15

*****

=BICYCLE-SKIRT= A abbreviated garment that makes women

look shorter and men longer.

*****

=BIGAMY= A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying

three board bills instead of two.

*****

=BILLIOUSNESS= A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.

*****

=BILL-OF-FARE= A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu

by figures in the right-hand column.

*****

=BIOGRAPH= A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and

shown with tremors.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 16

=BIRDIE= A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is

playing for a jay.

*****

=BIRTHDAY= Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by

men and children.

*****

=BLUBBER= The useful product of a dead whale. The useless

product of a live baby.

*****

=BLUE= The only color we can feel. =INVISIBLE BLUE= A

policeman.

*****

=BLUSH= A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the

physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the
sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of
shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the
vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries,
whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused
with a radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 17

*****

=BOARD= An implement for administering corporal

punishment, used by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive
Board" may be a shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a
stewed prune supper.

*****

=BOHEMIA= (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned

milk and distilled honey and untroubled by consistency,
convention, conscience or cash. A land to which many are called
and few chosen.

=BONE= One Dollar--the original price of a wife. Note, Adam,

who had to give up one bone before he got Eve.

*****

=BONNETS= A female head trouble, which is contracted the

latter part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.

*****

=BOODLE= Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and

taken in by the Graft family.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 18

*****

=BORROW= v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.

*****

=BOWER= A shady retreat, in general.

=BOWERY= A shady retreat in New York.

*****

=BRACE= Security for the trousers.

=BRACER= Security for the stomach.

=BRACELET= Security for the pawn-broker.

*****

=BRAIN= The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known

as the Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters--Sarah Brum and
Sarah Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are
nervous, but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done
in gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold
water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside world
by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the Intellect
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 19

Bros.,--Thoughts and Ideas--as an Intelligence Office, but

sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

*****

=BRAND= Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man.

Can be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of
a long, black bottle.

*****

=BRASS BAND= A clever though somewhat complicated

arrangement for holding a crowd together.

*****

=BRICK= An admirable person made of the right sort of clay

and possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before
you go to the wall--but never afterward.

*****

=BRIMSTONE= A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on

earth and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the
hereafter.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 20

=BREVITY= A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration

but not in the fireworks.

*****

=BROKE= A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who

is too much bent on speculating.

*****

=BUM= A fallen tough.

=BUMP= A tough fall.

*****

=BUNCO= The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural

districts.

*****

=BY-STANDER= One who is injured in a street fight.

People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.

C
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 21

Don't put all your eggs in one basket--try an incubator.

=CAB= Affair for a drive.

=CABBY= Driver for a fare.

*****

=CACHINNATION=

[Illustration]

The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.

*****

=CADDIE= A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose

balls for others and find them for himself.

*****

=CAFE= A place where the public pays the proprietor for the
privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 22

=CAJOLE= v. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and Eng. jolly, to

jolly beautifully.

*****

=CALCIUM= An earthly light that brightens even the stars.

*****

=CANNIBAL= A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on

other people.

*****

=CAPTIVATE= From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or

empty,--to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated
men.

*****

=CAPE= A neck in the sea.

=CAPER= A foot in the air.

*****

=CARNEGIE-ITIS=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 23

[Illustration]

A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast

furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in
American public libraries.

*****

=CART= v. t., To take off.

=CARTOON= The take-off.

*****

=CAULIFLOWER= A Cabbage with a college education.

*****

=CAVALRY= That arm of the military service that engages in

the real hoss-tilities.

*****

=CEMETERY= The one place where princes and paupers,

porters and presidents are finally on the dead level.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 24

=CHAMPAGNE= The stuff that makes the world go round.

*****

=CHAIR= Four-legged aid to the injured.

=CHARITY= Forehanded aid to the indigent.

*****

=CHAUFFEUR= A man who is smart enough to operate an

automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

*****

=CHRISTIAN= A member of any orthodox church.

*****

=CHRISTMAS= A widely observed holiday on which the past

nor the future is of so much interest as the present.

*****

=CHUMP= Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 25

=CIGARETTE= A weed whose smoke, some say, should never

be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.

*****

=CINDER= One of the first things to catch your eye in

travelling.

*****

=CIVILIZATION= An upward growth or tendency that has

enabled mankind to develop the college yell from what was once
only a feeble war-whoop.

*****

=COLLECTOR= A man whom few care to see but many ask to

call again.

*****

=COLLEGE= From Fr. colle, pasted or stuck, and etude, study.

A place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)

*****

=COLONEL=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 26

[Illustration]

A male resident of Kentucky.

See =KERNEL=.

*****

=COMPLIMENT= v. t., From Eng. con,--hot air, and Lat. pleo,

to fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.

*****

=COMPLEXION= Color for the face. From Eng. complex,

difficult, and shun, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the
druggist.

*****

=COMMENDATION= From Eng. con, a josh, and mend, to fix

up. Hence, a fixed-up josh.

*****

=CONDUCTOR= From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco, to command.

One who commands the coin.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 27

*****

=CONSCIENCE= The fear of being found out.

*****

=COOK= A charitable institution, providing food and shelter for

Policemen.

*****

=CORPS= A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in

apples and corps found in arms).

*****

=CORSET= From Fr. corps, shape, and sec, rough. Rough on the
shape.

*****

=COSMETIC= A new face-maker. From Grk. kosmos, order,

and Eng. medic, or doctor,--ordered by the doctor. (See
Complexion.)

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 28

=COT= A snooze for one.

=COTILLON= A dance for eight.

*****

=CREDIT

= Something for nothing.

=CREDITOR= Something with nothing.

*****

=CREDULITY= A feminine virtue and a masculine vice.

*****

=CREMATION= A means of disposing of the dead likely to

become very popular, especially with women who are so fond of
having the last retort.

*****

=CRITIC= A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 29

=CROOK= One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order
Ave. A Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.

*****

=CROW= A bird that never complains without caws.

*****

=CULTURE= A degree of mental development that produces

tailor-made women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock
tailed horses.

*****

=CUPID= A driver of sharp darts.

=CUPIDITY= A driver of sharp deals.

*****

=CYNIC= A man who knows the price of everything and the

value of nothing.

All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.

D
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 30

Out of fight, out of coin.--The Pugilist's Plaint.

=DABBLE= v. t., To play in water.

=DABBLE IN STOCKS=--Same thing.

*****

=DACHSHUND= A low-down dog.

*****

=DANCE= A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.

*****

=DATES= A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and

spread on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches,
which are often associated).

*****

=DEAD= Without life. See Boston.

=DEADER= Pompeii.

=DEADEST= Philadelphia.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 31

*****

=DEADBEAT= One who makes a soft living by sponging it.

*****

=DEBT= A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger

the more it is contracted.

*****

=DEE-LIGHTED=

[Illustration]

An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.

*****

(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905,
the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions
of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length).

*****

=DELEGATE= From Eng. dally, to loaf, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A

spoiled loafer.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 32

*****

=DEMAGOGUE= From Grk. demos, people, and Eng. gag. One

who gags the people.

*****

=DEMOCRACY= A mysterious country, bounded on the east by

Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by
Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.

*****

=DEN= A cavity.

=DENT= To punch.

=DENTIST= One who punches the face and fills cavities.

*****

=DEUCE= An honest card, in fact the only one that is never

known to beat tray.

*****

=DEVIL=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 33

[Illustration]

An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to

Mary McLane.

*****

=DIAMOND= A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes

renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering
it.

*****

=DIARY= An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad

give-away.

*****

=DIGNITY= A narrow, unstable bearing which mental

spindle-shanks try to stand upon when they have no other
support.

*****

=DICKENS= An author; polite term for the devil.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 34

=DIE= An effect.

=DIET= Frequently a cause.

*****

=DIMPLE= A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's

smile.

*****

=DIPLOMAT= An international liar, with an elastic conscience

and a rubber neck.

*****

=DISCOUNT= Something often sold in place of goods.

*****

=DISCRETION= An instinctive perception that enables us to

say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your
pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large,
strong one.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 35

=DIVE= A gambler's retreat.

=DIVIDENDS= A gambler's reward.

*****

=DIVORCE= Nominally, separation of husband and wife from

the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is
frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a
fashionable wedding.

*****

=DOCK= A place for laying up.

=DOCTOR= One who lays you up.

*****

=DREAM= What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may

have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom
come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both
because they go by contraries.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 36

=DRAFT= (=DRAUGHT=) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and

pays the doctor's bill.

*****

=DROP-STITCH= A kind of feminine hosiery designed to

prevent the men from paying too much attention to the
open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.

*****

=DRUM= Something noisy, and made to beat.

=DRUMMER= Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From

the Grk. drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that
always carries its point and sticks whoever it can.

*****

=DUST= Mud with the juice squeezed out.

*****

=DYNAMITE=

[Illustration]
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 37

The peroration of an anarchist's argument.

*****

=DYSPEPSIA= A good foundation for a bad temper.

Out of sight, only in mind.--Ballad of the Blind Beggar.

A word to the wise is useless.

=EAGLE= The national bird of a Christian country; (the United

States.) Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.

*****

=EARL= A title of nobility.

=EARLY= A title of stupidity. See old saw,

"Early to bed and early to rise, Makes a man a farmer!"

*****

=EARTH=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 38

[Illustration]

A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

*****

=ECHO= The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last
word.

*****

=ECONOMY= Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to

buy a luxury to-morrow.

*****

=EGG=

[Illustration]

A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until broken.

Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad acting.

*****

=ELECTION=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 39

[Illustration]

A periodical picnic for the American People. Held in booths,

where the Voter puts in his ballot, and The Machine elects
whatever it chooses. A day when the lowliest may make their
mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets
promiscuous and everything is full--particularly the
lodging-houses.

*****

=ENCORE= A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his

money's worth. From the Fr. en, among, and cochon,
pig,--common among pigs.

*****

=ENGAGEMENT= In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm

that precedes the real hostilities.

*****

=ENTHUSIAST= One who preaches four times as much as he

believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 40

=EPITAPH= A statement that usually lies above about the one

who lies beneath.

*****

=EQUATOR=

[Illustration]

An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held by J.P.

Morgan.

*****

=ERR= To make a mistake.

=ERRATIC= Full of mistakes.

*****

=ETHER= One of the world's three great composers--the others

being Gas and Chloroform--whose airs are popular among the
suffering.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 41

=ETIQUETTE= A convenient code of conduct which makes

Lying a virtue and Snobbishness a righteous deed.

*****

=EVOLUTION= A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who

made a monkey of Adam.

*****

=EXCURSION= From ex. former, and Grk. kairo, to enjoy.

Hence, a tiresome journey--formerly an enjoyment--sold at half
price.

*****

=EXERCISE= Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium,

a ten-acre lot and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the
wash-tub and the wood-pile.

*****

=EXPANSION= A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy,

involving the destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of
Independence.--Boston.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 42

The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed

peoples--Washington, D.C.

A doubtful commercial experiment.--Wall Street.

The white man's burden.--Kipling.

*****

=EXPLOSION= A good chance to begin at the bottom and work

up.

*****

=EXPOSITION= An overgrown Department Store, usually

opened a year or two behind time.

It's never too late to spend.

A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.

=FACE= A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar

button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of
the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to
run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 43

face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your

face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.

*****

=FAILURE= The quickest method known for making money.

*****

=FEINT= A pugilist's bluff.

=FAINT= A woman's bluff.

*****

=FAITH= A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache

becomes a Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring
and a "touch" an invitation to dine.

*****

=FAKE= A false report.

=FAKIR= A false reporter.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 44

=FAME= Having a brand of cigars named after you.

*****

=FAMILY=

[Illustration]

Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the

possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the
wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.

*****

=FARE.= The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can
work their fare."

*****

=FAULT= About the only thing that is often found where it does
not exist.

*****

=FICTION.= The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created

equal."
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 45

*****

=FIDDLER= A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who

refuses to play a real tune.

*****

=FIRMNESS= That admirable quality in ourselves that is

detestable stubbornness in others.

*****

=FIG= Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.

=FIG LEAF= A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by

Adam 4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art
Committees.

*****

=FISHING= An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid

falling asleep in church on Sunday.

*****

=FLAT= A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in

which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 46

to be a Sardine Box.

*****

=FLATTERY= Cologne water, to be smelled of but not

swallowed.

*****

=FLUE= An escape for hot air.

=FLUENCY= The art of releasing the same.

*****

=FLUSH= From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color to the cheek,

or hand, caused by bodily--or poker--heat.

*****

=FLY= A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream

of society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

*****

=FLY-SCREEN= An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 47

*****

=FOOT= The understanding of a girl from the west.

=FOOT-PATH= Chicago, Ill.

*****

=FOOTBALL= A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights

under the guise of a reputable game.

*****

=FOREIGNER=

[Illustration]

One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. fero, to carry
off, and enara, spoils. One who carries off the spoils.

*****

=FORBEARANCE= The spirit of toleration shown when a man

who knows, patiently listens to a fool who does not.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 48

=FRANC= Twenty cents, in French.

=FRANKFURTERS= Four for twenty, in German. Derived from

frank, open, and fortitude, meaning brave. Sold in the open and
eaten by the brave.

*****

=FROST= An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

*****

=FUN= Joy.

=FUNCTION= Devoid of joy.

As ye sew, so shall ye rip.

Money makes the mayor go.--Proverbs of Politics.

=GALLON= From the Fr. galonner, to make tight. Note, one is

sufficient.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 49

=GALLANTRY= This word is now almost obsolete. It was

formerly employed to express a deferential attention on the part
of the man who in a crowded car gave up his seat to the ladies.

*****

=GAMBLER= From the Grk. gumnos, stripped to the skin. And

the gambler's the one that does it.

*****

=GARDEN= From the Fr. garantir, to make good. Hence, a

place where lovers make good.

*****

=GARLIC= From Grk. gar, for, and Lat. liceor, to bid. Good for
the biddies.

*****

=GEM= A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a
precious stone."

*****

=GERM= A bit of animal life living in water.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 50

=GERMAN=

[Illustration]

More animal life, living on beer.

*****

=GIRAFFE= The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the

longest thirst on record.

*****

=GLOBE= An all-round proposition which has furnished its

shareholders a living for several thousand years, though its stock
is two-thirds water.

*****

=GOAT= The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem,

N.Y. Elsewhere, not in good odor.

*****

=GOLF= An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a

Scotch breath.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 51

*****

=GONDOLA= A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's

Fairs and other popular watering places. From Eng. gone, and
Lat. dolor, sadness, or Eng. dollar. Sadness gone; also, a gone
dollar.

*****

=GORE= Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never

spilled in French duels.

*****

=GOSSIP= Derived either from the Grk. gups, vulture, or Fr.

gosier, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or
an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim gets a
blow.

*****

=GOUT= The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent

the lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's
Foot-Notes.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 52

=GOWN= From Lat. gaudium, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy

forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth.

*****

=GUNPOWDER= A black substance much employed in

marking the boundary lines of nations.

*****

=GUM= A substance for sticking.

=GUM-GAME= A game in which some one is stuck.

*****

=GUTTER= A school in which we may study the dregs of

humanity or read the reflection of the stars.

There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.

Where there's a will there's a lawsuit.

=HAIR-DRESSER= A linguist whose position in life enables

him to do his head-work with his hands.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 53

*****

=HAMMER= A small, busy implement carried by blacksmiths,

geologists and Knockers for breaking iron, rock or friendship.

*****

=HAMMOCK= From the Lat. hamus, hook, and Grk. makar,

happy. Happiness on hooks. Also, a popular contrivance whereby
love-making may be suspended but not stopped during the picnic
season.

*****

=HAND= A much desired possession, supplied by The Damsel

or The Dealer. =GLAD HAND=. The beggar's plea, the
politician's sceptre and the drummer's ablest assistant.

*****

=HANDMAIDEN= A manicure.

*****

=HARANGUE= The tiresome product of a tireless tongue. From

Eng. hear, and Lat. angor, pain. Painful to hear.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 54

*****

=HARMONY= From the Grk. arnumi, strain. Hence, full of

strains.

*****

=HASH=?

*****

=HATCH= To develop eggs.

=HATCHWAY= Place for developing eggs; a hen-coop.

*****

=HAY-FEVER= A heart trouble caused by falling in love with a

grass widow.

*****

=HEARSE= Seen on the dead.

=HEARSAY= Heard on the dead.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 55

=HEARSE= A handsome vehicle in which the man who has

always been a tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the
procession.

*****

=HEART= A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, played by beats, and

enjoyed only after it is lost or given away.

*****

=HEAVE= To raise.

=HEAVEN= A good place to be raised to.

*****

=HEDGE= A fence.

=HEDGEHOG= One who hogs the fences. A Bill-Poster.

*****

=HELL= Poverty.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 56

=HEREDITY= The cause of all our faults. From Fr. here,

wretch, and Eng. ditty, song. The song of the wretched.

*****

=HEROISM=

[Illustration]

A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once held by Hobson

and Dewey, now carried by Mother Eddy and Brother Dowie.

*****

=HIP= A popular location for the retail liquor business.

*****

=HISTORY= The evil that men do.

*****

=HIT= A chance for first place, first base or first blood.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 57

=HOCK= v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they

generally "Hock the Kaiser."

*****

=HOMOEOPATHY= See Allopathy.

*****

=HOOT MON=! The Scottish National Hymn.

*****

=HOP= To skip.

=HOPPER= A skipper.

*****

=HOPE= A desire for better things to come that makes a grass

widow willing to try it again. Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes
honored, but generally extended.

*****

[Illustration]
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 58

=HORN= A sharp point.

=HORNET= Still sharper.

*****

=HORSE-SENSE= A degree of wisdom that keeps one from

betting on the races.

*****

=HOSE= Man's excuse for wetting the walk.

=HOSIERY= Woman's excuse for walking in the wet.

*****

=HOTEL= A place where a guest often gives up good dollars for

poor quarters.

*****

=HOUSECLEANING= A domestic upheaval that makes it easy

for the government to enlist all the soldiers it needs.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 59

=HUG= A roundabout way of expressing affection.

*****

=HUMOR= An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently

branded as Rash.

*****

=HUNGER= Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.

*****

=HUSBAND= The next thing to a wife. From Eng. hussy,

woman, and bond, tie. Tied to a woman.

*****

=HYDRANT= From Grk. hudros, water, and Eng. ante, to give

up. Something that gives up water. (A good synonym for
Dipsomaniac).

*****

=HYPOCRITE= A horse dealer. From Grk. hippos, horse, and

kroteo, to beat. One who beats you on a horse trade.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 60

Home is where the mortgage is.

Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star.--Stage-Door Secrets.

=ICE= A substance frequently associated with a tumble in

winter, a tumbler in summer, and a skate the year around.

*****

=ICEMAN= A cool proposition who has Axe-cess to the best

families, makes his Weigh in every home and can take his Pick
in the kitchen, if he leaves his Chips in the street. "How'd You
Like to be The Iceman?"

*****

=IDIOT= From Eng. idea, and out. One who is just out of ideas.

*****

=IDLE= Useless.

=IDOLIZE= To make useless.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 61

=IMPECUNIOUS= To be in a state of poverty. From Eng. in,

and Lat. pecco, to sin, poverty being the greatest of all sins.

*****

=IMPERIOUS= From Eng. imp, devil and aerial, airy. Airy as

the devil.

*****

=INCANDESCENT LIGHT=

[Illustration]

From Lat. incendo, to burn, and Eng. cent, meaning money. An

invention for burning money.

*****

=INCOME= The reliable offspring of a wise investment. From

Lat. in and coma, meaning sleep. Money which works while you
sleep.

*****

=INDEPENDENCE= Self government. Good enough for a

Cuban, but too good for a Filipino.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 62

*****

=INDIGESTION= A distressing stomach trouble that is

sometimes temporarily relieved by kicking the cat or whipping
the children.

*****

=INDIVIDUALITY= A harmless trait possessed by one's self.

The same trait in others is downright idiocy.

*****

=INDORSE= To write on the back of; the best indorsed man in

town being the Sandwich-Man.

*****

=INFANT= A disturber of the peace.

=INFANTRY= A defender of the peace.

*****

=INHABITANT= A native of any village, town or city.

=OLDEST INHABITANT= The Champion Liar.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 63

*****

=INTUITION= A fictitious quality in females--really Suspicion.

*****

=IRRITANT= Something which irritates. =COUNTER

IRRITANT= A woman shopping.

*****

=ISLAND= A place where the bottom of the sea sticks up

through the water.

*****

=ISOLATION= From Eng. ice, meaning cold, and Lat. solus,

alone. Alone in the cold.

After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile- And every
meal's a supper to the Hobo.

Lies have no legs--That's why we all have to stand for them.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 64

=JACK= An instrument requiring a strong arm, and used for

raising heavy weights, or for pulling off the boots.

=JACK-POT= An instrument requiring a strong hand, and used

for raising heavy bets, or for pulling off the stakes.

*****

=JAG= From the Spanish word zaga, meaning a load packed on

the outside of a van. In America the load is packed on the inside
of a man.

*****

=JAM=

[Illustration]

A pantry composition in A minor.

*****

=JANITOR= From jangle, to quarrel, and torrid, meaning hot.

Hot and quarrelsome.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 65

=JELLY-CAKE= Synonym for Belly-Ache.

*****

=JERSEY= Well knit.

=NEW JERSEY= Well bit. (See Mosquito).

*****

=JEW'S HARP=

[Illustration]

From Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, a musical instrument, the Jew's

musical instrument being a "Sell low!" (Old spelling, Cello).

*****

=JIMMY= An implement employed by men of acquisitive

natures who cannot afford seats in the Stock Exchange.

*****

=JOB= An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 66

=JOCKEY= From jog, to move slowly, and key, something that

makes fast. Hence, one who makes the pace fast or slow,
according to instructions.

*****

=JOINT= Either a low limb from the butcher, or a low quarter in

town; in either case the lower the tougher.

*****

=JOKE= A form of humor enjoyed by some and misunderstood

by most; in England, requiring a diagram, raised letters and a
club.

*****

=JOLLY= v. t., To "con" or "josh."

=JOLLY BOAT= The Ship of State.

*****

=JUDGE= One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences

and finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 67

=JULEP= An insidious friend from the South, who hands you a

mint and gives you a sweet spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.

*****

=JURY= Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better

lawyer.

*****

=JUSTICE= Fair play; often sought, but seldom discovered, in

company with Law.

A chip of the old block--A daughter of the Tenderloin.

One man's meat is another man's finish--Canned Beef in Cuba.

=KANGAROO= A hard drinker from Australia, especially fond

of hops, and generally carrying a load.

*****

=KATYDID= A gossiping grasshopper who is always meddling

in Katy's affairs.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 68

*****

=KEEPSAKE= Something given us by someone we've forgotten.

*****

=KERNELS= or =COLONELS= Articles often found in cores

(or corps) and frequently surrounded by shells.

*****

=KEROSENE=

[Illustration]

An alleged provider of heat and light. From Lat. carus, meaning

expensive and seneo, to be weak; expensive but weak. For
further explanation, consult Standard Oil Company.

*****

=KEYHOLE=

[Illustration]

A frequent test for sobriety.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 69

*****

=KID= Either a boxing-glove or a first-born. In either case, hard

to handle until well tanned.

*****

=KILTS= A Scotchman's apology for indecent exposure.

*****

=KINDRED= From Eng. kin, meaning relation, and dread,

meaning fear; fearful relations.

*****

=KINDERGARTEN= From Ger. kinder, children, and Lat.

garritus, a babbling. A place for babbling children.

*****

=KINDLING-WOOD= From Ger. kind, youth, and Eng. linger,

to loaf. A place where youth generally loafs.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 70

=KISS= Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the

infant, ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and
homage for the old.

*****

=KISS= An indescribable something that is of no value to any

one, but is much prized by the right two.

*****

=KNOCKER= A device on doors for rousing people; also, a

device on foot for the same purpose.

Laugh-in-one's-sleeve--The direct route to the Funny-Bone.

Two heads are better than one--particularly on a Barrel of

Money.

=LACE= Among women, lace means lesson; wherefore they

combine art and thrift by lessening the waist.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 71

=LACONIC= Shy on words. From Eng. lack, meaning want, and

connection; want of connection.

*****

=LAMP= A light.

=LAMPONED= To be lighted on.

*****

=LARD= Fat.

=LARDER= A fattener.

*****

=LARK= A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night hawks. Also, an

early rising singing-bird. (Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and "up with
the lark," an impossible combination).

*****

=LASSIE= One of the weaker sex.

=LASSITUDE= Slightly weaker.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 72

*****

=LAUD= Praise for the Almighty.

=LAUDANUM= Prays for himself--after taking.

*****

=LAUNDRY= A place where clothes are mangled.

*****

=LAUGH= A peculiar contortion of the human countenance,

voluntary or involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of
external circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous,
jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and
accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle
gurgle, guffaw or roar.

*****

=LAWYER= One who defends your estate against an enemy, in

order to appropriate it to himself.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 73

=LECTURE= An entertainment at which it costs but little to look

intelligent.

*****

=LEGISLATURE=

[Illustration]

From Lat. lego, to bring together, and latro, to bark or bluster;

possibly from lex, law, and latens, unknown. Hence, a company
of men brought together to bluster, or a company of law makers
who know nothing about law.

*****

=LEISURE= From Eng., lazy, and sure; assured laziness.

*****

=LENT= A Church fast that is slow to go; or something loaned

which is slow to come back.

*****

=LIE= A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one
discovered up to date.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 74

*****

=LIMBURGER= A native of Germany strong enough to do

housework; well recommended for cleaning out the dining-room.

*****

=LIBRARY= From Fr. libre, meaning free, and proper name

=ANDY=. Something free from Andy Carnegie.

*****

=LINKS= Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of

hazards.

*****

=LION= A cruel beast who never patronizes the barber and is

always bearded in his den, yet will furnish a close shave if you
get near enough.

*****

=LOBSTER=

[Illustration]
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 75

The edible lobster is found off the New England Coast. The
two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds are green, but
when roasted turn a bright red. Soubrettes are very dependent on
both varieties for a living; together they furnish her with food,
raiment, flats, diamonds, and occasionally indigestion.

*****

=LOBSTER-NEWBURG= A dish ordered at hotels by those

who usually get beans at home.

*****

=LOVE= A man's insane desire to become a woman's

meal-ticket.

*****

=LOVER= An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will

shovel the snow of the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after
marriage remarks, "What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you?
Well, I should say not! I'm no chore boy."

Hell is paved with good intentions--also asbestos.

M
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 76

A fool and his wife are soon parted. See Alimony.

=MAGAZINE= A receptacle for explosives, literary or

mechanical.

*****

=MAGNATE= One who can float capital in a considerable body

of water. From Lat. magnus, great, and nator, to swim; a great
swimmer.

*****

=MAIDEN LADY= A term applied to an old maid by those who

wish to avoid hurting her feelings.

*****

=MALT= A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools

off and becomes Stout in its old age.

*****

=MAN= Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet,
then three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 77

=MAN-ABOUT-TOWN= One who is on speaking terms with

the head waiter.

*****

=MANICURE= The only woman who can beat a carpenter at

soaking nails.

*****

=MANNERS= A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.

*****

=MARK= In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States,

only Twain.

*****

=MASCULINE= From Grk. maskos, girl, and eukolos, easy.

Easy for the girls.

*****

=MASSAGE= A touch, with intent to rub it in.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 78

=MATRIMONY= A game for women, in which the unmarried

half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not
to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.

*****

=MEAL= According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of

crumbs entirely surrounded by booze.

*****

=MEDIUM= A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on
your wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"

*****

=MELODEON= An alleged musical instrument, popular at

home, but unpopular next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin,
un, without. Warranted without melody.

*****

=MENAGERIE= From Fr. melange, mixture, and Ger. riechen,

to smell. A mixture of smells.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 79

=MESSENGER BOY= From Eng. miss, to fail, and Lat. engeo,

to arrive. One who fails to arrive.

*****

=METER= The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the

cellar!"

*****

=MIND= No matter. =MATTER= Never mind.

*****

=MINE= A hole in the ground owned by a liar.

*****

=MINSTREL= A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in

every city.

*****

=MIRACLE= A woman who won't talk.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 80

=MIST= Generally, a small, light rain. =SCOTCH MIST= A

cloudburst.

*****

=MITTEN= Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man

when she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.

*****

=MONEY= Society's vindication of vulgarity.

*****

=MONOPOLY= A modern device for impoverishing others.

From Grk. monux, swift-footed, and polloi, the people. A swift
kick for the people.

*****

=MOON= The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

*****

=MORTGAGE= From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. gag, to choke.

A lawyer's invention for choking property to death.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 81

*****

=MOSQUITO= A small insect designed by God to make us

think better of flies.

*****

=MOTH= An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the

hole. And the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.

*****

=MOUSE=

[Illustration]

The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.

All gone to 6's and 7's--Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.

Time and tide wait for no man--But time always stands still for a
woman of thirty.

=NATURE= The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work

over which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 82

leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all.

*****

=NECK= A close connection between chin and chest, used for

the display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet,
windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.

*****

=NEGRO= One who votes your way. =NIGGER= One who

doesn't.

*****

=NEIGHBOR= One who knows more about your affairs than

yourself.

*****

=NERVE=

[Illustration]

Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making

him pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and
spoil the hair-brush!"
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 83

*****

"=NEXT=" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved

and the unshaved.

*****

=NIP= Something bracing from without or within When felt in

the air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.

*****

=NOBILITY= A gang of foreign brigands having abducent

designs on the American Damsel and the American Dollar.

*****

=NON-CONDUCTOR= The motorman.

*****

=NOSE= A prominent member of the face family, usually a

Greek or Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He
is often stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when
he has his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling,
sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors'
affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 84

others.

*****

=NOTE= (=PROMISSORY=) "The substance of things long

hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

*****

=NOVEL= A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn

be well spun.

*****

=NURSE=

[Illustration]

One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.

Out of the frying-pan into the face--Mothers' doughnuts.

Many hands make light work--also a good Jackpot.

=OAR=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 85

[Illustration]

A popular device for catching crabs.

*****

=OATS= England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and

Scotland's table-d'hote.

*****

=OATH= A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is

never tried in Sunday School.

*****

=OBESITY=

[Illustration]

A surplus gone to waist.

*****

=OCEAN= An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard

night along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into
a fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 86

port. At sea, the king of the elements; on shore, a mere surf.

*****

=OLEOMARGARINE= The White Bread's Burden. From Eng.

olio, a mixture, and Grk. margino, to be furious. A furious
mixture.

*****

=OMNIBUS= A test for Patience, still popular in England. From

Grk. oneiros, dream, and baino, to go or move. A dream of
motion.

*****

=ONION= The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable

Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being close rivals.

*****

=OPERA= A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak,

yet always sings its own praises. =GRAND OPERA= An excuse
for displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with
pedigrees.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 87

=OPINION= The prodigal son of Thought. =PUBLIC

OPINION= The world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out
Law in many a hard fought bout.

*****

=OPIUM= The real author of "The Dream Book."

*****

=OPTIMISM= A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle

to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

*****

=ORCHARD= The small boy's Eden of today, in which the

apple again occasions the fall.

*****

=OSTRICH= The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by

his owners only as a featherweight.

*****

=OUTSKIRTS= The only garments which clothe many a

metropolis with decency.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 88

*****

=OVEN= The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or
without the dough.

Handsome is what hansoms charge.

Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.

=PAIN= A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch,

particularly the London one.

*****

=PALMISTRY= A plausible excuse for holding hands.

*****

=PANTS= Trousers' Country Cousins.

*****

=PARACHUTE=

[Illustration]
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 89

A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

*****

=PARAGON= The model man a woman regrets she gave up for

the one she mistakenly married.

*****

=PARENTS= One of the hardships of a minor's life.

*****

=PASS= A form of transportation issued free to those who are

quite able to pay.

=PASSENGER= One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym

for Deadhead). From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to
give up. One who has to give up to go.

*****

=PARROT= An individual who can never be held responsible

for what he says.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 90

=PASTRY= A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly

married housekeepers.

*****

=PATRIOT= One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's

bonds in a lump.

*****

=PAWN=

[Illustration]

v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your

Uncle.

*****

=PAWNBROKER= A mercenary man to whom money is the

one redeeming quality.

*****

=PEACE= A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently

reported from the Phillipines.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 91

*****

=PEACH= A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably

because the peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.

*****

=PEARL= A small round product manufactured by an oyster,

bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly.

*****

=PENITENT= From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning

determination. One who determines for the right.

*****

=PESSIMIST= One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

*****

=PHILISTINE= In Bible times, one who worried the children of

Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios,
bark, and tino, to punish. One who barks to punish.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 92

=PHILANTHROPIST= One who returns to the people publicly a

small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

*****

=PHILOSOPHER= One who instead of crying over spilt milk

consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths
water.

*****

=PHILOSOPHY= Something that enables the rich to say there is

no disgrace in being poor.

*****

=PIANO= A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

*****

=PIN= The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of

remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head,
follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it
undertakes.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 93

=PING-PONG= A game invented for the benefit of furniture and

crockery dealers.

*****

=PITY= An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds

the children of a woman who might have married him instead.

*****

=PLATONIC LOVE= An arrangement in which a man and

woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never
succeed.

*****

=PLENTY= A desirable condition that is likely to step out

whenever Extravagance steps in.

*****

=PLUM= A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but
only after careful grafting.

*****

=PLUMB= To ascertain the capacity of.

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 94

=PLUMBER= One who ascertains the capacity of your purse,

soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a
process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

*****

=POLE-CAT= A small animal to be killed with a pole, the

longer the pole the better.

*****

=POLICEMAN=

[Illustration]

A never present help in time of trouble.

*****

=POLYGAMY= A thoughtless way of increasing the family

expenses.

*****

=POLYGLOT= A parrot that can swear in several languages.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 95

=POSTSCRIPT= The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

*****

=PRETZEL= The bar-keeper's promoter.

*****

=PROTECTION= Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant,

Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.

*****

=PRO= and =CON= Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example,

Progress and Congress.

*****

=PRUDE= A native of Boston.

*****

=PRUDENCE= A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder

from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 96

=PRUDERY= A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig

does a loss of hair.

*****

=PRUNE= A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house

veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well
preserved.

*****

=PUGILIST= A close-fisted party who is often roped in but

never gives up till he's out.

*****

=PULLMAN PORTER= A legalized train-robber.

*****

=PUNCH= A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling

the death of Humor.

Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver,

copper or radium--there's more in it.

Q
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 97

Charity begins at home--but ends when you reach The Cook.

=QUACK= The Duck family's favorite physician.

*****

=QUAIL=

[Illustration]

v. t., To shrink--a characteristic of the bird when ordered in a

restaurant.

*****

=QUEEN= One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat

a knave.

*****

=QUESTION= Is marriage a failure?

*****

=QUEUE= The only Mongolian line connecting America and

China.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 98

*****

=QUORUM= A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is

seldom on hand when needed.

Faint heart never won fair lady--but a full purse can always pull
the trick.

Man proposes, then woman imposes.

=RABBIT= A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds

on grass and burrows in the earth. =WELSH RABBIT= More
like a string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.

*****

=RACE-TRACK= An interesting locality, where pools are

bought and sold in books and the heat never interferes with the
search for the Pole.

*****

=RADIUM= A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of

radio-activity, raised to radical rates and regarded as a ruthless
rake-off in the reign of riches within the arrayed radius of a
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 99

raging, raving and raided race.

*****

=RAG-TIME= Music pulled into many pieces--the invention of a

flannel-mouth to which many have cottoned.

*****

=RAPID TRANSIT= A municipal myth, circulated for the

amusement of the long suffering--and slow moving--public.

*****

=REFORM= In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with

marked heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a
flow of ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face
and a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic
invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been
confined to a Low attempt at government.

*****

=REFORMER= One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let

the cat out of the bag.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 100

=REGISTER=

[Illustration]

The only autograph album which it costs you money to write in.

*****

=REGRETS= An excuse for non-attendance at a social function.

Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of praise
at deliverance from evil.

*****

=RELATIONS= A tedious pack of people who haven't the

remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about
when to die.

*****

=RELIGION= A cloak used by some persons in this world who

will be warm enough without one in the next.

*****

=R.E. MORSE= A veteran General who commands the largest

army in the world.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 101

*****

=REPARTEE= The sassy habit of talking back.

*****

=REPUTATION= A personal possession, frequently not

discovered until lost.

*****

=RESIDENCE= A rural locality inhabited annually--for a few

hours--by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.

*****

=RESOLUTION= A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first

day of January and usually broken on the second.

*****

=RESORT= (=SUMMER=) A place where the tired grow more

tired. From Eng. rest, and Grk. orizo, to limit. A place where rest
is limited.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 102

=REST= A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for

life.

*****

=RESTAURANT= An institution for the spread of dyspepsia.

From Lat. restauro, to repair, and Grk. anti, against. After
patronizing, you're "up against repairs."

*****

=RHETORIC= Language in a dress suit.

*****

=RICE= An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen

or the newly-married.

*****

=ROQUEFORT= A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in

the first rank.

*****

=ROYCROFTER= A successful book-maker on the East Aurora

turf. From Fr. roi, king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 103

Grafters.

*****

=RUMOR= The long-distance champion of the Human Race--a

monster with more tales than an octopus.

*****

=RUST= Physical dullness.

=RUSTIC= Mental dullness.

Beggars should never be choosers--though the beggar often

chews what he begs.

A miss is as good as her smile.

=SADDUCEE= A person holding skeptical religious views.

Hopeless, hence sad you see.

*****

=SAILOR= A man who makes his living on water but never

touches it on shore.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 104

*****

=SANDWICH= An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends

meat.

*****

=SAUSAGE= An aftermath of the dog-days.

*****

=SCAFFOLD= A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.

*****

=SCARECROW= An operator who repeatedly corners corn,

without caws.

*****

=SCORCHER= A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.

*****

=SCULPTOR= A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 105

=SELF-MADE= Complimentary term for a respectable crook.

*****

=SHAMROCK= A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a

four-time winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T.

*****

=SHEPHERD= One who depends on a crook for a living.

*****

=SHIRT= Every man's bosom friend.

*****

=SILVER= A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential

impossibilities.

*****

=SINNER= A stupid person who gets found out.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 106

=SNAP= A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with

ginger to take the cake.

*****

=SNORE= An unfavorable report from headquarters.

*****

=SOROSIS= A female gas company that lays its pipes on

cultivated grounds.

*****

=SPAGHETTI= A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers.

From Lat. spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A
burden for the fork.

*****

=SPIDER= A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops

a line by every post.

*****

=STARS= The greatest astronomers known, having studded the

heavens for ages.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 107

*****

=STAYS= A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming

women.

*****

=STOCKINGS= Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.

*****

=STOCKS= An unreliable commodity bought and sold by

gamblers. If you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a
speculation.

*****

=STOVE-PIPE=

[Illustration]

A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.

*****

=SPRING= Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete

except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 108

*****

=SPINSTER= An ember from which the sparks have flown.

*****

=SUBWAY= In Boston, a place where one may enjoy

continuous disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault
and battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law,
and the entry-fee is five cents.

*****

=SUCCESS= A goal usually reached by those who employ their

time in cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in
searching for a larger target.

*****

=SUMMER= An oppressive and expensive season invented by

rural cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies
and the Iceman.

*****

=SUN= A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west
daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 109

pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans

skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine.

*****

=SYMPATHY=

[Illustration]

Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.

*****

=SYNDICATE= A conspiracy to extend the modest business

established by Captain Kidd.

Fortune knocks only once at a man's door--And she's the worst

Knocker in the world.

Brevity is the soul of wit--and the sole charm of of a bicycle

skirt.

=TAILOR= One who takes your measure on first sight, gives

you a fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 110

*****

=TALK= A continuous performance playing daily and nightly

engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the
Family Circle.

*****

=TELEGRAM=

[Illustration]

A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried

by a boy in sleep.

*****

=TELEPHONE= From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos,

murder. A machine in which talk is murdered.

*****

=TENNIS= A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on

the side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive
them from set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 111

=TEMPER= A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife

blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.

*****

=THERMOMETER=

[Illustration]

A short, glass tube that regulates the weather--and usually does a

poor job.

*****

=THIRST= A sensation immediately following a short session at

the free lunch stand.

*****

=TIDE= An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in
whenever he gets over the bay.

*****

=TITIAN= The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as

soon as her father strikes oil.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 112

*****

=TIPS= Wages we pay other people's hired help.

*****

=TOBACCO= A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two

creatures; a large, green worm and--man. The worm doesn't
know any better.

*****

=TONGUE= An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an

artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among
women.

*****

=TOUCH= A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its

victim a feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of
loss.

*****

=TRANSFER= A small bit of paper of remarkable strength,

being able to carry a heavy man several miles.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 113

*****

=TROLLEY-CAR= A conveyance filled with advertisements,

and occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.

*****

=TROUBLE= Something that many are looking for but no one

wants.

*****

=TRUST= A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.

*****

=TWINS= Insult added to Injury.

*****

=TWISTERS=

[Illustration]

An undesirable thing to have on hand.

It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 114

UV

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood,

leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on
the ebb.

=UMBRELLA= A good thing to put up in a shower--or

pawn-shop; but, like skating, never seen after Lent.

*****

=UNBOSOMED=

[Illustration]

A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.

*****

=UNION= An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and

liable to strike without warning.

*****

=UMPIRE= No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 115

=USHER= One who takes a leading part in a theatre.

=VACCINATION= Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.

*****

=VAUDEVILLE= From Lat. vaut, good for, and villageois,

countryman. Good for countrymen.

*****

=VERANDA=

[Illustration]

An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.

*****

=VEST= A waistcoat sold at halfprice.

*****

=VIRTUE= A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence,

but rarely with beauty.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 116

=VULGARITY= The conduct of others.

A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.

But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.

=WAITER= An Inn-experienced servant.

*****

=WAR= A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned

in a small way, would produce only murderers.

*****

=WATER= A thin substance applied to stocks with which to

soak buyers.

*****

=WEDDING= A trade in which the bride is generally given

away, and the groom is often sold.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 117

=WEEDS= Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily,

marry the widow.

*****

=WICKEDNESS= A myth invented by good people to account

for the singular attractiveness of others.

*****

=WIDOW= The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless

she golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.

*****

=WHISKY= Trouble put up in liquid form.

*****

=WIND= An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral

agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold),
impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged passage
through space, owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli, and
results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales,
simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from Kansas
Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with Chicago
tongue--canned or conversational.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 118

*****

=WOMAN= An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still

slightly flattened at the polls.

*****

=WORD= Something you must keep after giving it to another.

*****

=WORRY= A state of mind that leads some persons to fear,

every time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.

*****

=WRINKLES= A merchant's trade-marks.

It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.

XYZ

A Ride goeth before a Fall.-- See Automobile, Bucking Broncho,

Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.

=X RAYS=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 119

[Illustration]

Ten dollars from a friend.

*****

=YARN= An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated.

Mill yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.

*****

=YAWL= Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but

never a cat-boat.

*****

=YAWNS= The air-breaks on a sleeper.

*****

=YEAR= A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since

the other 40 are Lent.

*****

=YELLOW FEVER= A passion for reading the Hearst

newspapers.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 120

*****

=YOLK= The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.

=YOKE= The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of

the married.

*****

=YULE-LOG= A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to

smoke, too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.

*****

=YOUTH= The dynamo that makes the world go round; a

product of its own generation, with its wires carrying Power into
the high places of Earth and with its currents of Thought
short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.

*****

=ZEALOT= One who loves morality so well he will commit

crime to maintain it.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 121

=ZEBRA= The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes

for life.

*****

=ZERO= Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a

thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.

*****

=ZIGZAG= The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage,

"The longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"

*****

=ZOUAVE=

[Illustration]

The original Mrs. Bloomer.

Postage and Postal Information.

How to Mail a Letter.

After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round

ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 122

legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a

good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand
corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a
clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a love
letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful
postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by all
means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear he
never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office
warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you
happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.

=First-class Matter.=

Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress

read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also,
postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If
you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a
Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely
journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap
two-cent route.

=Second-class Matter.=

This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine

Mixers, who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a
year, and pepper the land with "Before-and-after-taking"
caricatures, at the rate of one cent a pound.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 123

=Third-class Matter.=

While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a

pound, books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art
have to go third-class and are taxed one cent for every two
ounces. They must also be left open for inspection, thus
affording the post-office employee a fleeting acquaintance with
something really useful.

=Fourth-class Matter.=

Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives,

live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off
a bad odor. The last two do not include The Police Gazette or
The Philistine.

A Few Mythological and Classical Names.

Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor.

ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general

slaughtering business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally
pinked in the heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Long life often depends on being well heeled.=

The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 124

*****

ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a

boar.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Bores have been the death of us ever since.=

*****

BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the

beer that made Olympus famous.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is

willin'."=

*****

CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers

from Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist,
whose sister, Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the
family by eloping with Paris.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 125

=Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's
no sign he can manage a woman.=

*****

CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several

snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to
Hades.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three,
it's a cinch he's not far from Hell.=

*****

CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the

dead to the Other World--if they paid him first.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his
fare in advance.=

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 126

CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow
and arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or

a decollette gown.=

*****

DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and

successfully operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son,
Icarus, tried the trick, went too high and fell into the sea.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=A flier frequently precedes a fall--especially in Wall Street.=

*****

DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the
unmarried only!=
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 127

*****

HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk),

an independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting
him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all
the work it wanted.=

*****

IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a

wheel.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.=

*****

LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed

leaves and went to sleep.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 128

=Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag

and keep awake.=

*****

MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his

shoes and knew how "to get there" in a hurry.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in
a public thoroughfare.=

*****

MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold
all that he touched.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get
gold whoever they touch.=

*****

SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she

first loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 129

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish
in the sea!"=

*****

TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies

of hunger and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but
always beyond reach.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same

result--besides costing you the fifty.=

*****

TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse

and saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in
washing and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.=

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 130

VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his

hammer with him.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

=But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.=

Legal and Local Holidays in the United States.

=JANUARY 1, New Year's Day.= On this day the Flowing Bowl

is filled--and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in
forty-three States and Territories out of forty-nine. In
Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas,
Oklahoma and the Indian Territory there is no celebration. The
natives are too busy collecting good resolutions and bad bills.

*****

=FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday.= (George, not

Booker), is remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day,
in the public schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the
Cherry Tree and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley
Forge in Winter, and Mt. Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of
the Class recites Washington's "Farewell to the Army," Minnie
the Spieler belabors the piano with the "Washington Post
March," and the scholars all eat Washington Pie, made of
"Columbia, the Jam of the Ocean."
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 131

*****

=MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day=, when the
British redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes
from Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or
vest, and put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the
buttonhole--the green above the red. On Easter day, wear a
scrambled egg in the same place.

*****

=APRIL 19, Patriot's Day.= A New England successor to FAST

DAY--the slowest day of the year. Originally invented for
Fasting and Prayer. Now used exclusively for opening the
Baseball Season, Locating a Seashore Home for the Summer,
and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at his Tub.

Little drops of water, Little lines of hose, Make the mighty

Muster As ev'ry Laddie knows.

*****

=MAY 1, Moving Day.= Observed everywhere by The Restless

Tenant.

*****
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 132

=APRIL 26= } { =In "Dixie"= =MAY 30= } =Memorial Days=

{ =In the North=

A Symphony in Blue and Gray.

*****

=JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day.= Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a

procession of the Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, a
few of the City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard
sailors and occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show.
For 24 hours, pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate
Young America ad lib.

*****

=JULY 4, Independence Day.= A national holiday, invented for

the benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and
toy-balloon vendors; lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives;
physicians and surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-soldier
to hear the roar of battle, smell powder, shoot the neighbor's cat,
and lose a night's rest--or a finger.

*****

=LABOR DAY, First Monday in September.= The only day

when labor works overtime. An occasion when the workingman
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 133

takes a cane in place of a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the

streets behind a real silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart
Horse.

*****

=THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November).= A day

devoted to the annual division of Turkey--with Greece on the
side--by the Hung'ry folks.

*****

=DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day.= Another national holiday,

marked by the following observances: Filling the young and
helpless with a lot of fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney
fakir, who went up the flue long ago; making a clothesline of the
mantelpiece and robbing the forest of its young; swapping
several things we'd like to keep for a lot of stuff we don't want;
and, finally, putting on in church a Sunday night performance of
light opera, known as "The Sabbath School Concert."

*****

+-----------------------------------------------------------+ |
Typographical errors corrected in text: | | | | In the main
dictionary section: | | under ANCESTORS: parodox corrected to
paradox | | section title AUTOMBILIST corrected to
The Foolish Dictionary, by Gideon Wurdz 134

AUTOMOBILIST | | under BABY: noctural corrected to

nocturnal | | under DANCE: physicial corrected to physical | |
under ENTHUSIAST: belives corrected to believes | | section
title PHILOSPHER corrected to PHILOSOPHER | | under
PIANO: freguently corrected to frequently | | under
SADDUCEE: religous corrected to religious | | under
STOVE-PIPE: recepatcle corrected to receptacle | | under SUN:
developes corrected to develops | | under WAR: planed corrected
to planned | | | | In the section after the dictionary: | | section title
CASTOR AND POLLOX corrected to | | CASTOR AND
POLLUX | | |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+

*****

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