LEADING DOUBLE LIVES

Vasan Sri

We all lead double lives--though we may not be aware
of it or be willing to acknowledge that. One life is the
life of daily transactions and interaction with
family,friends and social members-- at the office,
business or market place. The other life may be one of
fantasy, dreams, imagination and religious/spiritual
moorings. This article is about the 'inner
life'--whether fantasy or dream-like or spiritual
inclinations.
As young children, we 'pretend- and-play' as cops,
pirates, engine drivers or pilots or princesses.
Psychologists say that such play -games would 'improve
our imagination and prepare us for adult life'. May
be!..Such fantasy plays help us to spend time within and
enjoy ourselves, unknown to others or critical parents.


We even talk to ourselves.
When we grow older and climb the social ladder, unless
we are already very rich, you make up fantasies as
business tycoons, world class billionaires like Warren
Buffet or celebrity TV hosts like Oprah Winfrey, making
tons and tons of money, talking to famous people in the
studio. We have our role models--may be super sports
stars like Lebron James or tech wizards like Bill Gates
to fire our imagination and play mental games, reveries
or day dreams...May be they help us to form our own
dreams in life--more immediate goals and modest
achievements, like becoming a CEO of a small company or
start our own garage business with shoe-string budget,
all the time hoping to become another Kenneth Cole or
Armani or Donna Karen.
Some of these dream-life escapades vanish as one
faces hard knocks in life or learn to come to terms with
one's limitations. You may become cynical or feel that
you could achieve what was possible in the given
circumstances--read-- country, ethnicity, education,


parent support and so on. But it is a fact that one
spends good lot of time in these dream worlds, powered
by great role models and supported by the media which
talks of chasing your dreams, doing your own thing and
get what your passions are.
You wind up with lot of small successes--in the
business/career front, in family front and in social
circles.
After passing through middle age, roughly around 50
years, you may get 'bad reports' from your doctor or
clinics which test your blood, urine, heart and even
brain with MRI scans.
If everything is normal, it is okay...or else you
blame the genes and DNA ,and your ancestors or you feel
that you should change your life style--quit smoking if
you smoke,reduce drinking, eat more fresh fruits and
vegetables and eat less red meat , have a pet animal,
take walks with a dog in the park, go for special health
resorts, do yoga, zen meditation ,develop hobbies, talk
to high school friends and so on.


Slowly you begin to ask 'big questions'--questions that
have been asked by all your friends and relations and
religious preachers/counselors:
WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE? WHY AM I HERE? --and such
eternal questions.
You can never find the answers as such but get
palliative pronouncements to satisfy your spiritual
hunger. You hop from one guru to another, take to
scriptural studies [Bible, the Bhagavad Gita, Talmud or
the Koran]and listen to self-styled philosophers and
'pathless path finders' who quibble in words like J K or
Kirkegaard or Gurdieff or a Paul Brunton who have
inundated the market with books and tapes. You go to
saintly persons-- a hugging saint or mauni
[non-speaking] sadhu or to some pilgrim spots in the
Himalayas frequented by obscure Babas described in some
books---may be ,you get some solace and partial answers.
You may even think that you are on the right track--it
would be a question of time when you would reach the
goal of understanding all these questions...No one can


find fault with you with these approaches. But the
answers are elusive because THE ISSUE OF QUESTIONS
ANSWERS DOES NOT ARISE IN THE REALM OF SPIRITUAL
PERCEPTION...the Q&A paradigm is in the sphere of your
mind which may stop functioning or behave erratically at
any moment when blood and oxygen stop flowing to the
gray matter. In the mundane world, asking the right
questions and finding the proper answers are the process
of education and reasoning--right from the Greek times.
You may pride on your ability to frame questions as part
of your training and culture. You become an expert in
this if you are a lawyer or a criminal investigator..But
that is of no use in spiritual realms.
At this stage, your double life starts with one life in
the mundane world with all thoughts, feelings and
emotions, going with the tide and the other devoted to
your 'inner pursuit' or quest,the gnawing pain inside,
the 'divne discontent' ,the unrelenting yearning for the
'Supreme'. The Supreme may be personified in the frame
of your guru or abstract God or favorite deity or "Ishta


Devata", nurtured in your mind, may be with mythical
['puranic'] lore or the figure of a saint or prophet
about whom much has been written.
You take to poetry or metaphysical texts-- Rumi's
verses or Omar Khayyam's 'Rubaiyat' and William Blake or
Tennyson and so on. These are like band-aid treatment
for a gaping wound. Some relief from the spiritual
tension and the constant reminder from the mind that you
have not found the answers or completed 'the unfinished
business' in life. These are excruciating moments in
your life,especially when you are lonely or observe
silence. [Psychiatrists may dismiss this as 'mild
depression' because they know very little about such
situations and would prescribe sedatives.]
Initially it may be for a few moments that you dwell in
the other life; then you may live in the other world for
a few minutes to a few hours.

The 'supreme' or " Ideal" is enshrined in your
heart. The mind, like the bird which flies hither and


thither and then comes to rest on a mast, dips into the
pool of infinite joy in your heart. The mind is still
weak and restless for the most part, the tendency to
roam about is strong, but it has tasted the essence of
the nectar in the blossom of your inner heart. It knows
where to find this nectar at any time. It can return
again and again to this inexhaustible pool of Joy or
Bliss --the real 'manasarovar.'
The body continues to grow weak...An anxiety erupts---"
Will I find the answers in this lifetime--before the
dark Lord Death takes possession?"...A feverish, rather
hopeless situation may take over.
Religions can give palliative answers. One religion
says that if you miss finding the answers in this
life,don't worry--you will find in the next life" ;
another religion says that if you go through formal
rituals and surrender to the Lord, you will go to heaven
,you will have an ever-lasting life at the feet of the
Lord', a seat is reserved for you' and yet another
religion talks of beautiful Heaven with nymphets


receiving you with flower garlands and sumptuous food
and wine!.
These 'promises' from religions enable you to take a
deep breath and follow some measures in their light,
believing in this prophet or the other, in one messiah
who brought clay tablets or another who came down from
the hills with stone tablets or yet another who was in a
rich country and descended the slopes with copper or
gold tablets. You can pick one of them depending on your
family upbringing and social conundrums. The discipline
these men taught may give you regular habits and some
degree of mind control. Yet, the gnawing pain,the
spiritual hunger grows unabated. The mind seems to "blow
away." 'Existence' with all its metaphysical meaning and
explanations seem to be chasing some 'rainbows' of Gods.
For some , mere breathing becomes a burden. Others look
for the 'light at the end of the tunnel'---some divine
spark to rekindle the zest for life and either abandon
the other life or leave the mundane life. This is the
'dark night of the Soul"...


The denouement occurs--in the silence of the mind
and quietness of heart, the humming sound of the
'eternal bee' is heard. You seem to think that the
Supreme has taken over your mind and says:" Here I am!
Hold on to my hand" with inner certitude. The Supreme
lifts you up from the well of darkness and you see the
light ---a different light this time. Not the light that
you saw when you entered this world from the mother's
womb. This is the light from the Universe's Womb,
'Hiranya Garbha'. There are no two lives any more. The
river merges with the 'Eternal Sea".
---------------------The End--------------------