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HowFlirtingWorksHowStuffWorks
HowFlirtingWorks
byShannaFreeman
BrowsethearticleHowFlirtingWorks
HowFlirtingWorks
Imaginethatyouhavenoideawhatflirtingis.Ifyouhaven'tflirtedyourselforseenithappen
(eitherinreallife,inthemoviesoronTV),youmightwonderexactlywhatthosetwopeople
aredoing.They'reshowinginterestineachother,buttheydon'tactuallycomeoutandsayit.
Infact,it'susuallyconsideredcrassandcrudetodoso.Instead,theydancearoundthe
issuejoking,complimentingeachotherandusingphysicalcuestoshowtheirtrue
intentions.
Atitsmostbasic,flirtingissimplyanotherwaythattwopeoplecancloselyinteractwitheach
other.Butwhenyougetintotheintentionbehindflirtingandexactlywhatflirtingentails,
thingsgetmuchmorecomplicated.Itdoesn'thavetoberomanticorsexualsometimes,it's
justfriendlybanterwithoutanyotherintentions.Sometimesonepersonhasromantic
intentionsandtheotheroneonlyhassexualones,ordoesn'tevenrealizethathe'sbeing
flirtedwith.
Misunderstandingthesignalscanleadtosomeuncomfortableandembarrassingsituations.
Typicalflirtybehavior
DigitalVision/GettyImages
Themostimportantaspectofflirtingistheintentionbehindit.Sometimesthewordsusedare
veryinnocent,butthespeaker'sdelivery,expressionormannerismsmakethemappear
flirtatious.Itcanbedifficulttoknowwhensomeoneisflirtingwithyouorwhomightbe
receptivetoyourflirting.
Inthisarticle,we'llexaminethestandardsignsofflirting.We'llalsolookatthebiologicalfactorsthatleadtoflirtingandexplorehowflirtinghaschangedthroughthe
years.
FlirtingSignsandSignals
Howdoyouknowwhensomeoneisflirtingwithyou?Althoughit'sdifferentforeverybody,therearesomecommonsigns.Here
areafewclues:
Usingyournamealotinconversation
Complimentingyou
Askingaboutyourinterests
Touchingyourarmorknee
Leaninginwhiletalking
Standingclosely
Smilingalot
Justoneoftheseactionsorevenafewofthemtogetherwouldprobablynotconstituteflirting.Butifsomeonecompliments
Someone'swhoclosetoyou,
smilingatyouandtouchingyou
mightbeflirting.
ChadJohnston/GettyImages
you,smilesoften,leansincloselyandbrushesyourarmashetalkstoyou,there'sagoodpossibilitythathe'sflirting.
Tocompoundtheissue,therearealsosomedifferencesbetweenhowwomenflirtandhowmenflirt.Forexample,somewomen
battheireyelashesorruntheirfingersthroughtheirhair.Menaremorelikelytomakebold,aggressivegestures,likeintense
eyecontact.Inaddition,theyaremorelikelytoflirtoutofsexualinterest,whilewomenoftenflirttotestmen'sintentions,using
ambiguousgestures.TheSocialInstituteResearchCentrehascoinedatermfortheseambiguousflirtinggestures,likehair
touching.They'reproteansignals,namedfortheGreekshapeshiftinggodProteus[source:SocialInstituteResearchCentre].Ifawomanusesthesegesturesand
learnsthatthemanisn'tinterested,thenshecanalwaysplaythemoffasnotbeingflirtatious.
Ifyouwanttoflirt,youcouldtryanyofthesemethods.Butyouhavetowatchcarefullyfor
theotherperson'sreaction.Ifheleansawaywhenyouleanforward,orifhedoesn'tengage
inconversationdespiteyourbestattempts,thenhemightnotbeinterested.Ontheother
hand,hecouldsimplybeshyandtakenabackbyyourinterest.Orhecouldthinkthatyou're
justbeingfriendlywhenyou'reactuallyinterestedinmorethanjustbeingfriends.Howdoyou
knowforsure?Therearenodefiniteruleswhenitcomestoflirting,becauseeverysituation
isdifferent.Flirtingisjustascomplexandtrickyasdatingingeneral.
Soalthoughtherearesomeobvioussignsofflirting,itcanstillbeaverymessyendeavor.In
a2006articlefortheDailyMail,reporterDanielleGusmaroliwroteabouttryingamethod
employedbyasuccessfulflirterthatsheinterviewed:
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Onleavingthebar,Ispotaroadcleaneracrossthestreetandsmilewarmly.Hesmilesback
andIholdhisgazeforanagonizingfourseconds,lookawayand(cringe)lookback.He
smilesappreciativelyandIscuttleofftryingnottolaugh.
Tomyhorrorhepegsitacrosstheroadtomyside.Withapenetratingstareheasks:"Sorry,
doIknowyou?"Iapologize,tryingtobackoff.
"Sorry,mymistake.Ithoughtyouweresomeoneelse.""Givemeyournumber,"he
demands.Idecline.Hebecomesangry."Youwerecomingontome,weren'tyou?"Ipanic
andrun.
Whathappened?Gusmaroliwastryingtoflirt,butshewasn'treallyinterestedintheroad
cleaner.Ittookhimawhiletorecognizetheflirting,andwhenhedid,heseemedtofeellike
she"owedhim"herphonenumber.
Flirtingdoesn'talwayswork.
UlrikTofte/GettyImages
Inthenextsection,we'lllookatthescienceofflirtingwhat'shappeninginyourbrainand
bodywhenyouflirtandhowflirtingworksinotherspecies.
FLIRTINGVS.SEXUALHARRASSMENT
Somepeopleconfus
esexualharassmentwithflirtingandviceversa.Themostimportantfactorhereisperception.It'ssexualharassmentwhenitleavesthe
personfeelingoffended,demeanedorviolated.Thebottomlineisthatiftheobjectofsomeone'sflirtationmakesitveryclearthattheflirtingisunwelcomeand
unwanted,butthepersoncontinuestoflirt,thenheorsheisguiltyofharassment.
TheScienceofFlirting
There'salotgoingonunderthesurfacewhenweflirt.Yes,we'resendingthemessagethat
we'reinterested,butwhydothosespecificgesturessay"I'minterestedinyou,"andwhatdo
theyreallysayaboutus?Accordingtoscientists,itallcomesdowntoourinherentdesireto
reproduce.Whenweflirt,we'regivingoffinformationabouthowfitwearetoprocreateaswell
asourhealth.Therearealsospecificaspectsofourappearancethatmakeusmore
attractivetoothers.
Someofthe"female"signsofflirting,suchasanglingherbodyandstickingoutherhips,are
attemptstodrawattentiontoherpelvisanditssuitabilityforcarryingachild.Inaddition,men
tendtobemoreattractedtowomenwithacertainhiptowaistratio(specifically,thewaist
mustbenomorethan60to80percentofthehipcircumference)[source:Psychology
Today].Thisisalsoanindicationoffertility.
Malepeacockdisplayingtailfeathers.
PeteTurner/GettyImages
Whenamanmakesintenseeyecontactandsmilesoften,heattemptstoshowthatheis
bothvirileanddependable.Womenareattractedtoprominent,squarejaws,whichare
indicativeofaman'spowera
ndstrength.Scientistspointoutthatfeatureslikesquarejawsin
humanmaleshaveaconnectiontoprominentfeaturesintheanimalkingdom.Malepeacocksattractfemaleswiththeirelaborateplumage,malecardinalsarebright
redandstagshavelargehorns.Becausethesefeaturesrequireadditionalbiologicalresourcesandalsotendtomaketheseanimalsmorevisibletotheirpredators,
animpressivedisplayshowsthattheseanimalsarestrong.
Whenwe'reflirtingwithsomeonewhofitsthebillforus,thelimbicsystemtakesover(thesamesystemresponsibleforourflightorfightresponse).Weoperateon
emotionandinstinct.Ifweonlygovernedflirtingwiththemostrationalpartofourbrains,wemightnoteverflirtorgetadateatall.Infact,accordingtobiologist
Dr.AntonioDamasio,there'saconnectionbetweenbraindamageandflirting.Hestatesthat"peoplewithdamagetotheconnectionbetweentheirlimbicstructures
andthehigherbrainaresmartandrationalbutunabletomakedecisions"[source:PsychologyToday].
Still,we'renotjustanimalisticinourflirtingbehavior.Theabilitytocarryaconversationandengageinthejokingbackandforthofflirtingalsoindicatesour
intelligence,whichisalwaysattractive.Inthenextsection,we'lllookathowflirtinghaschangedovertheyearsandhowtechnologyhasledtonewwaysofflirting.
FLIRTINGETIQUETTE
Althoughtherearesomebasicflirtinggestures,sometimesthetimingisdifferentinothercountries.Forexample,inGermany,flirtingismuchmoresubtleonthe
partofbothwomenandmen.GermanwomenfindAmericanmenfartooforward.GermanmenmisunderstoodtheintentionsofAmericanwomentheythink
they'rebeingflirtedwithwhenthey'renot.
FlirtingThroughtheAges
Today,wemeaning,mostWesternsocietiesaren'treallyshockedbytypicalflirtatiousbehaviors.Butifapersonfromthe
Victorianerawitnessedthekneetouching,liplickingandwinkingthatgoesontoday,heorshemightbeextremely
scandalized.FlirtinghasgonefromveryprescribedsetsofbehaviorstooffthecufftextandFacebookmessages.
Someelementsofflirtingareeternal.ArecenttranslationoftheKamaSutra,theclassicHindusexualinstructionmanual,
includesseveralwaysformentoflirtsuccessfullywithwomen.Oneincludesthesuggestionthatwhenamanandwomanare
"playinginthewater,hedivesunderwateratsomedistancefromher,comesupclosetoher,touchesher,anddivesunderwater
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again"[source:NewYorkTimes].Thissoundsliketypicalflirtybehaviorbetweenkids.
An1881bookadvisingyoungVictorianmenandwomenonmannersandetiquetteincludesseveralguidelinesforcourtship.
Firstandforemost,a"gentlemanshouldnotbeintroducedtoalady,unlessherpermissionhasbeenpreviouslyobtained."
Onceheisintroduced,hehasthefreedomtocallonherandaccompanyherto"concerts,operas,balls,etc."However,a
"gentlemanwhodoesnotcontemplatematrimonyshouldnotpaytooexclusiveattentiontoanyonelady."
AproperVictorianwoman"willnottooeagerlyreceivetheattentionsofagentleman,nomatterhowmuchsheadmireshimnor,
ontheotherhand,willshebesoreservedastoaltogetherdiscouragehim."Thebookgoesontodescribehowmenshouldonly
takethehandofawomanwhensheoffersit,andthatthekiss,"themostaffectionateformofsalutation,andisonlyproper
amongnearrelationsanddearfriends"[source:Young].
Overtsignsofinterestweregenerallyconsideredunacceptableonthepartofbothmenandwomen.However,Victorianwomen
couldstillshowinterestinmenthroughverysubtlecues.Onewaywasthroughfloriography,orthelanguageofflowers.
TheIndiscretion,1895(oilonpanel)
ConstantAimeMarieCap/Getty
Images
Differentflowersrepresenteddifferentfeelings,andtheycouldbeverycomplicated.Dictionarieswerepublishedsothat
everyonecouldeasilyunderstandthemeanings.Hereareafewbasics:
Today'steenagerssurelywouldnotbotherwithsomethingascomplicatedasarrangingtherightflowerstosendthecorrectmessages.Overtheyears,flirting
evolvedfromcareful,measuredgesturestocuttingtothechase.Accordingtoa2006articleinTimemagazine,it'scompletelycommonfora15yearoldboytotext
alinelike"howfarhaveugone"toagirlafterafewdaysofflirtatioustexting[source:Time].Sometimesthegirlreplieshonestlyorshemightsay"howfarhaveu
gone.illtelluifutellme."Thiscouldleadtomeetingupandmakingout.
Facetofacemeetingsoftenresultinexchangesofemailaddresses,IMclientusernames,orFacebookorMySpaceinfoinsteadofphonenumbers.It'salsonot
uncommonforstrangerstomeetonlineandex
c hangeflirtatiousbanter.Butonlineflirtersbeware:inDecember2007,amanufacturerofantivirussoftware
discoveredaRussianvirusthatinvadedchatrooms.Oncein,theviruschattedwithusersandflirtedwiththemsoconvincinglythatsomewomensharedtheir
photosandphonenumbers.
Forlotsmoreinformationaboutflirting,loveanddating,tryoutthelinksonthenextpage
.
WHAT'SMYLINE?
Therereallyisnosuchthingasagoodpickupline.Sodon'tbothertryinganyofthese:
Iseemtohavelostmyphonenumber.CanIhaveyours?
IfIcouldarrangethealphabet,IwouldputUandItogether.
Isithotinhere,orisitjustyou?
Andtheclassics:"What'syoursign?"and"Doyoucomehereoften?"
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Sources
DeLaVina,Mark."Aguidetoflirting4ugetthemessage?"TheDailyTelegraph,August22,2007.
"FloriographytheLanguageofFlowers."BBC.September22,2005.http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A5268035
Gusmaroli,Danielle."Howtoflirtwithsuccess."TheDailyMail,February23,2006.
Moore,MonicaM."NonverbalCourtshipPatternsinWomen."EthologyandSociobiology,6:237247(1985)
Robson,David."It'sgreattoteaseattheoffice,butwhat'sflirtyandnotdirty?"TheExpress,February25,2007.
Rodgers,JoannEllison."FlirtingFascination."PsychologyTodayMagazine,January19,2006.http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19990101
000033&page=1
"ScoringaGerman."SpiegelInternational,June5,2006.http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,419712,00.html
Smith,Dimita."ANewKamaSutrawithoutVictorianVeils."TheNewYorkTimes,May4,2002.http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?
res=9A05E1D61131F937A35756C0A9649C8B63
SocialResearchInstituteCentre.http://www.sric.org
Stepp,LauraSessions."ModernFlirting."WashingtonPost,October16,2003.http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wpdyn/A32792003Oct15?language=printer
Stevenson,Suzanne."There'sMoretoHerFlirt."TheEveningStandard,March17,2003.http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article3851729details/
There%27s+more+to+her+flirt/article.dojsessionid=bSyDHrJP12StgVjq52X2NSGyr2YrMQlSn8BRTbJB0QtbVVyGlm1H!
1263037535!1407319225!7001!1
Williams,Daniel."WhenFingersdotheFlirting."Time,May29,2006.http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1198940,00.html
Young,JohnH."OurDeportment:OrtheManners,ConductandDressoftheMostRefinedSociety."F.B.Dickerson&Co.,1881.AvailableviaProjectGutenberg.
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/17609/17609h/17609h.htm
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