Thh est CLAIRE DAVIS Labors of the Heart ‘THe REMARKABLE THING 1% DREAMS: people my whal he sever earn waking. Fut They ay to hisface, not behind his tack, reer of earshot The word rsuecilentin their mouths — "fast" tetching ou ike the walt on is Sansabelt pants, Noth ing derogatory abow i, only an unabashed hones, On these ‘mornings fort few moments he wakes fecing cou rleved ‘Caren Joh Softich, Pinky tohisfrends ve foot ht and 48s pounson good dy not ge, big oF bigboned. Not itor muy, generous or oveaed. Nor robust, pot, or plea ingly plump He fat Enormous. Corpuent And Pema or pate evans can rele Shen ererysuvement, wheter bing a soe or elimbing a short Tight of sais becomes labor ofthe hea. "Noha hc has uch to do wh people in goer He tes in Grkston, Washingion 2 crappy town of twet-odd thousand on the eastern edge the sate where te par runfal encourages Vcky pea ina and ta eres he popation on we fae: He works 2 nigh janitor Layo High school, and wen nos of te town’ fk are gathered fami for nner, or Sty at Hogan's Bar, Pky company the later of ra Brecker: mop. and bros Fr solace he bas Mr vlce afin, cleat {cnortofilthe emp rooms He sings, "When she moon its your cyclen Wipe spe Ua em” Notitat he knows anything sou tat, Amor has Fore esrgnal moderate enibarrasment a his age, having come teins he belees wih he fealty hat noone loves fa tn Shirt Stones 2001 er Wer, dt abs of the Heart a man, And so he has given up on love, the daydreams the hope, the ‘mooning about. the unsightly chase and preiptous rejections, Una thi Monday thats, en one of histwiceweeky food shopping trips when he ses arin the produce aise of the northside A&B frocery, a rutabaga under Ner nose, pecksh look about her ‘mouth. She's lle A narrow, ety planed body. There i about her he soi the starkness of lightning rod He finds this fascinating: more than that ete him in away he's never imagined, his eet locked ike a stam, his beast tighten ing unlike the usual angina. But what jit abou this woman? Her shoulders pinned at attention — the fierce way she sniff cut the proper rutbaga, so that he fees inimidated. Dwarf, realy For Iough Pinky Anows himaelf to be large —talcuns each pant le to keep his thighs from chafing avoids chairs with arms —he's a ‘eas ble himself small justa ny woe chirping on the horizon, fowam in an ocean of Res. He's amazed at how his veselsloshes and wags, gles and voll. The rel him adrift inside like a buoy at high ide, He cannot imagine being of consequence in the larger world beyond bumped tables and broken chisits, the mumerous bruises and insulted Mesh wo common thathe has ceased to wonder atthe many ways the world it ged against the fat ‘Bu sanding in the grocery aise, he knows forthe firs ime in histortyodd years what it means oe srl by love. Se passes on the rutabagas, andl even as she’s whisking out of produce, he's slipping the vegetable ner his nose and the Into his ear, perhaps a 2 keepsake, a he's never actualy eaten one, doesn't Know what to do withthe ching bowling down the car's length tipping stacked rorencnners— bread ish chs; Hur {gry Man Slabs of Salsbury steak, ase potatoes, and gray lac lana chicken Kiey— and the comfort foade doughnut holes por lato chips a baker's doren Hostess Ilo Hos, chocolate cheesecake asa chaser. front wheel turned sideways thumps, ba burn, ba thump ba ump, callingeveryone’satention, he thinks, ashe alle ther the checkout lane before hes actualy vad. He ties no to stare, butadires the elficency at her moves She retrieves each item with alan elegance, and he hangs on to the tart handle, dizzy with love, hall hopes she notes the rutabaga, When she leaves the store, she's burdened by sx pasties han ing plumb rom her fst. She staggers out and pes thes| Ho cranes pavis Tight, the door frozen open at her back otha he heat walls in, and he iatgines her body, hat small ark oluron imumune tothe glare ‘of san on ennerete, her clothes dy, armpits Forever fea, By the tne he's checked ot, she's gone, ad ashe pulls onto the street he sees her struggling down the block. He closes his teeth against the knocking of his heart and idles behind hee, the Wide-bnly Chey wallowing ike a whale in he shallows se Fans "eros the sett roll down the window. “Gan Une yous HO" he asks ‘She angles suspicious look at him — the fiendly stranger — but then she sifene her back along with her upper lip and marches on, “Justa tide, Pm safe,” he sy and has to ster around a parked ‘Se glances over her shoulder. "Do [look ke T need help says, She crooks her ellos ad lees tidy biceps, ex tie bags to twist in slow revolutions, ad from the cottonwoods “ne cul spindles down into carbide dif, a golch Hits over head —a sah of yellow and gone —sd sil she holes the bag high, until Pinky begins to feel Bis hat asortment of od bulges tnd bunops burdlel in an unsightly sack earning this way, then at ‘OF core she does ducks his head in apology cic hing with a ol Eaiar hneat, Whats et hi this sll dignity — he touches anger Wis forehead, a8 fo ip cap, and accelerates down the steet as hough his heart were sl ita need lp, certainly not from hi ad he e's fll week efore he wee her again, which i add, because it turns out she's hse neighbor, rents the old Grieger house ity omer, Though given hi daytime schedule of slep tel hermitage he ast noted the lighten, the mail delivery, the mowed a, fore this moment, Curious ako is how he recognizes her, half concealed ashe f beneath the draped branches of a weeping birch, her back to him, heat ited 30 thatthe short nap of halt tintin something like a question mark against her neck, No ‘more ele tha the spine’ rigidity the belligerence in her stance, tnd sl Pinky's heart gins t tol He wishes he were eiving, but ‘these last three nights he's begun an exerci program — walking ators of the Heart a le hree blocks wo work and back. Moriya, he's been catego- rived. Morbi, Asin deadly, no sadly, which isthe way he's pre- ferted to constr Mieway seco bck, he'l be winded, a by the time he reaches the school doe the back of his shirt wil be sreated inthe erly evening cool. He'd walk by her howe without ‘Stopping, but she's noticed fim, turn and bythe Took on fer face he ean tell she can't place him. He tes ot to waddle, wishes he snere wearing something other than Cathart coveralls He tips his Finger to his forehead and gives it way The man inthe ea she says Heenads pleased in spite of hse: He toes upto the avn tex tend a hand. Her own hand disppears i his, but her grip shakes him. Tv in the yellow house." He points over hie shoulder, He tells her his mame, sas, "Call me Pink)” and he want oy, All ny {fiends do, bat thinks, What fds? and feels 2 surge of despa ‘What folly, What gall What enormous odds, I's over elming, his busines of love. “Pinky” Her voce ies. “Rose. Tin Rose Spencer.” She doesn't release his Fingertip, instead sa up the awa with Pinky in tow Tell me, what this i?" Rowe dscngages her hand to point ata branch Inthe upper teaches there cocoom, a tented web, with Ihechled bits sploted here and there. In yet avother branch, he sees the start oF another and hove isi that he hasnt noticed them Tore? He sights down the row of cottonwoods set, the ap per reaches: He sighs. “Tent caterpillars” he sas. He hopes she doesn’t register the say his lesh quivers ashe thinks ofthe frantic shivering of worms ‘vethead. A phobia, ke some folks have for snakes spiders, “Ate they bid? For the wee?” she ask, He knows they' eat their way down a branch, mature, and drop like fruit He backs up pace, No more than couple tent Not hic "Wet Keep am ye on them.” And widen he's sing. we" an such aula tanh, But she lets i get amay ith noe ding het head and escorting him off her lawn, “itynt need anything,” he says “Ihave a cin” he sys, “for gro eres anything” She's watching ane he bas the sense she's back- Inga, thoug her fet areal wooted o the eee ofthe lawn, “T'msate”he ays, ducks his head. How's tha she asks,& ciate pavis He tushes. Gan‘ believe he's saying this “Well you can probably run faster than Lean" He laughs a he's alas had. Rowe arches an eyebrow a him, “T don’t know what you expect feo me.” She eroses her arms, cups an elbow in each palm, "But Tm tapped out when i comes to men, Pity love, anger, compassion you nae it, and Pveexhavted it” “im sorry," Pinky ay, and he means it. He wonders what could have hurt her so deeply, briefly envies her pai. the experience of| Ining close enough to wonind ore wounded. And then, ofcourse, the realizes that's nonsense. Believes he has the perfect vantage for sympathy, from behind this great bulwark of flesh. He's chink ingof himself now —the lifes alone, avoiding pain. He runsa hand down bis ches, down the lobe of his bel a gesture he's de- veloped ver the years, failing himself with the expanding boundaries of his body. "We're neighbors he says and she seems puzzled but there's somethingin his face, or histone, that puts her ‘She relaxes the grip om her handle that” t's his turn to be confused nove He checks his watch, den looks west, to the sunset, as though that might be more accurate,“ have To get on to mork — overt the school? Pm the maintenance tech hieian.- A smile sweeps across his fice. "Night janitor" He avoids hher eyes Jooks over her shoulder, and he bills sing above the ‘own aura amber then the color of autumn rushes, and where the Tight catches the gases, he bunched sage, is» hurninows fie. I ‘curs to him jut how long i's een since he's om the hls, won fers how itis that he could have moved through these days hese none without noticing how the crows lst with ight above the im rock, the dimming crevasses He backs up a step, al 38 she turns her attention once again on the yard, he art ay. fast fone Foot and then he other nti he finds himself thee blocks {gone and on the step of school He unlocks the door wih a jangle [they ets them loose tothe satsing natch and cick ofthe take tip rei, then enters the building. He clamps the door shut, an, Iipping on hall lights te breaks into is best Johnny Mathis voice, “Chance ae ns, and says, “Neighbors 1 ean Tey shop together now. One day a week. Separae carts He's taken itupan himeelt to keep Rose avec on lin maintenance Labor of the Heart 83 ses understands she's lays had s mas. ‘iuse its obvious she takes dig in adi lo the lawn mower fasoline nd pruning the Boxwood hedges, regards ech tagk ara Indication of competence inthe lager world "I heleve a pervon| could fx anything” she yx in the house utensils aie, “given proper insuuetion and duct tape.” Then she adds, xcept st" And this isthe first hit she's given of what Keeps her so easy fo ‘sued on staying "neighborly" Not that he'sdomte much more than buddy his grocery cart to hers and although it's true, the contents have move and more be iqun to resemble hers, ll he keeps a cautious distance, He's at a Sands, and all the month of long hours ming over the mop handle at work, dreaming up ways to woo and win her, have yielded nothing more than any neighbor could claim ‘Until today, when she lets slip the tidbit about crust. And th the store manager, Ray Tipp at old classmate —a sarvedlooking ‘man who Keeps himself aniious with coffee — checks out Pinky's groceries, says, “Got a sale on Hostess Ho-Hon” He isa head of Droecol and Roman Meal bread “You ona diet” Pinky can't even run. He feels Rose, next bbeksie of his trousers snag on a magavne rack, and he endures Ray's curiosity while he free himself without spilling Vague and “natin the ale. He pays ay, ils his bagged groceries fom the fring stock boy He knows tht this too Rose tnt see, how the ‘young boy’ eyes widen and the whites shine like twin moons, rll Iniheir socket ‘Stupid. Sti to have fied her slong. To see this Sil stupid —alterall these years — to aim yourself at inevitable hurt Bu the damage i done. Rose, after le gily by teociaton, and #0 he pivots on his heel, the great slowing mass of him, to face this ‘woman and take her disgust in stride ‘She's handing money to Ray. Two twenties a ten. She shes ou single and another Some change, She takes her bag rom the boy and waits for Pinky to lea the way, which he docs with al the grace hhe can muster. When he breaks out into the sonshine, his heart i clattering his chest s0 huge, full it's become. He pulls croming the parking ft the bags swinging at his sides, and he sets them on the ground to open the ear door for her& cramme pavis “Two blocks rom the ore, she sys, Why dot you pallinto the park? ee bought melon, We ean havea bite” “st ke that ‘And why not he thinks, A pieni, something he hasn't done since his mother passed on, and fora brief moment he can almost hhear her, see the woman she wa all comfort —bosomy and dim pled elhows — pressing food onto him, the sud of oder chil five efasing ad laughing. He is hiceuping teats. "Eat" she sys “Like a good! box. Never mind those other. They're jealous you gotta momma can cook." She chucks» finger under hischin. "Your badly was a tg man,” By thi he understands dat he too would be large. ad in her eyes that was good. Rose directs him onto River Strect and dow to the smal river side park, He wed to come here sa younger man, walked the levee at night to imagine himself witha woman, strong the paths ‘or swooning on a bench inthe grip of passion and the moony night, ike any one of numberof eouples whispering from behind the willows curtains oF oling in the tall blue grasses riverside He follows Rose's ead, carrying the pasticsacked melon in both hand like gif an offering of the magi, and she brings them 40 the base ofa cotonwood. He ls breaking a sweat, and the ibe Tian with ight on water ao tht he aint the moiscre fom his ‘yes releases 4 gtent ond sgh, "Aaah," and he's just damned {grateful for these simple pleases — river melon, worn — that the's unlikely co recover hit voice anytime soon, so he sighs again ‘Royc has seated herself inthe grass He wishes she were wea owing sie louse, a widedrimmed stra ha, instead of the baggy jeans and shir that alouch on her tiny frame, and then hh feelsan ingrate. Clothes: What do they igi? Certainly not the moment. She takes the melon from him plops iin her lap lke a placid chil, then pate the grass bende he, and he faces the tsk of Towering himself, Pinky thinks to remain sanding, sike a noble pose, but she's already gazing off arom the wide Be river to the Fills opposite. He braces one han against the we, crooks knee, stretches the other leg behind, and endl cautiously forward and flown and down some more. Wea struggle against mass, gravity. His Joints pop in series He tries ott gasp oF pall and thats neatly as Tuc efforts kneeling. His crotch feels ike a wishbone, ready to Shap, and then e's down without having fallen. His fae is red he Labor of the Heart 8 ‘an tell He ches a handkerchief out of his exe pocket and towels olf his forehead, neck, the skinny V of es in the buttoned top of his button-ap shir. “Do you havea knife?" she aks, And Ie does, thongh he must lean back, Ht his stomach, and squeere hishand into the narrow tap of cloth, cating the blood hisingersashe fee's forthe kate Fiallyhe frees, a pocket Buck knife wih ll the appointments — even a corkscrew. But ae Ut the knife away, slaps the scew back Into i steel nest, and locks ‘open the large ble. She sabe into the melon's meat ss a chunk fee, and scrapes the seeds hack into the exposed heat of the fruit She hands the wedge to hin, and he wait for her to join im ‘Pople onthe whole are an unlikable bunch,” she ay sinks the Sif the hilt ito the melons rind, "Take my advice, Never fll in lone with them.” Pinky laughs, but it's a squeezed ite thing, his chest const ing “You think you know ere, 1 know you do,” She ss into the melon, “But the cruly of strangers, or fiends is nothing” — she wags finger in his face — "compared to what love ean do" She Is tightipped. Her brows beetle, and the air about her seems charged with a stale energy She bites to the melon, tells hisn bmit her fr husband, his onenght stand, moves on toe see ‘nu husband and his afar, Tell call in four short sentences, asf she can't bite off the ends of words hard enough, spit i out Fast cenongh, “What did Learn from i you want to know. She dabbles atthe corner af her mouth with fingertip, where some melon juiee drip down, and Pinky thinks he has never seen anything more delectable. He'd like to take her finger Into is ‘mouth and sick dry. ‘She stretches her legs out leans agains the tee, and tells him (of her third and! lst husband’ allie. How she then called the ‘woman, wanted to see her. “Couldn't help myself, Called a coin. plete stranger — though it seemed I had the right, we'd shared so wich, I don't know what I expected. She ame co my house, Not the frst time, F could tell that eight off the way she found her vay to is chaRose rubbed the back of her head agains he e's bark, 2 le sutely scratching. “She was a short, stmppeged He thing, not fate, no, ot even handaome. ut interesting. Perky. She sys T ‘ida't mean to rin your ie, She was being sincere, buf course She was latcring heseif. Aer all, my ie wasnt ruined, Merely ‘changed. [older that.” ‘She looked over at Pinky. ‘Don'tyou wonder at how I could be so collected? Sos" “Leaning” Pinky sys Now She leans over, pat his hand, “OF course you ean. And ‘of course Tas full of erap” She sighed. “Wy ie wasnt ruined, cae the next thing tot, Rubble. ‘That's what 1 was left wih Rabble ‘She sucees het left wea and Pinky knows iis her heat she means, but all he can pictre isthe tender lesh crumpled in her Fist and he wants to loosen her fingers, cradle her breast and heart inne pal o is hand, whch he discovers xsweating, 3 he swipes iedown his pant ley. Ad then, wonder ofall wonders, he reaches ‘over with his ewly dried hand and takes the melon from her, ifs ‘he Kafe ava, slices another piece, skins and offersit to her, Which she declines “Three strikes you're out In that right" she aks “in baseball” Pinky sys, and he wants to sound decisive but Incars how his voice trail off He's stuck with the melon wedge, dripping through his fingers onto his pant eg, "Nese grees In baseball and in men.” ‘And what ca Pky #3)? He eats the melon slice, wipes his hand fon the grase_On the river, a pair of Canada geese pale up- Stream, sx gostngsdiiting in their wake. Sunlight crooks across the waters surface, and shadow swim he face of the hills opposite Pinky blinks, feels mostire budding behind his eyes, and blinks gain. He begins to compretcnd the scale of hi task — wooing this woman even if he weren't hobbled by his own bod. He's Sill holding the knife, and he looks down at his belly, wishes he Could slice aay the flesh, pare down to some more supple version {f himsel that would e eapable ofthe acobatis — walking, it ting, Bending over — that normal, everyday people perform in ‘very courtship. He wants to be handsome fr he. “A pair of young girls roller lade down the sidewalk, the wheels ates of the Heart 8 buzzing with the sound of enormous hummingbirds They wind down the path, skinny legs snd arms knotted in protective pads Their laughter isa shouting and Pinky admires dhe honesty of i ‘He wonders what Rove sounds ike when she laughs He wonders if she lighs. “ub she'd sid, and he questions the sate her heart's in now. “1'm not ke those men," he sys "Why? she asks. "Because you're ft” And ts just a tatement. “Because you think other women wouldn't find you atractve?™ ‘Truths he hadn't thought oe that way, but he begins to se this ‘could work for him. He node, “Anovher way that you're safe she asks, He nods again, though he fees ike he's stepping into something unseen, something with teeth ‘She stares acros the river “Do you think that lle of yourself, Tesworse than he'd feared, certain now that she esses him for his clumsiness, his wansparent eagerness. He blames hime and his ack of experience: he blames the hour ofthe day andthe bri- lng gras that torments his ankles, He teller he's fool and that hheespects her and her friendship, Thore ae the words he wes, = sped and fienstip, and she continues to stare out acre the Five, He asks her to understand, he's not wed to. 10... penis. er brows furrow, and she says ise hast heard hin “My las husband was different. Where the others'd been tal, he wat short A bookth man witha seme of humor He couldn't change thecilin the ea, ithe was nad or opera, believed he was fer tents day ito night" She wags her Head, "But aly he was ony 2 dillerent hind of night. And tht ie much too lonely day” — sive leans back on her elbows —"to quibble. Im done with men.” Rose rolls onto her side, facing Pink. “Except a frends: Take itor lee” Pinky nods and heaves sigh, but even ashe pats his hand and closes her eyes to rest he istdying the logics of geting back on tn the gym, Pinky pls strategy. He trns onthe over: the constellation ol bls shine from the loos mitror Finish: He has cleaning down to ana deyamopping the area nuea chanen paves, der an hou, starting atthe foot oF dhe Bleachers, eft wo ight and threading his way kn nerlapping lanes down and back uncle's ttsted is way into the oye locker oom, where the real work be fins Thovgh avi stunner, this chore is reduced to twice Meek touelup instead of the nightly tour during the schoo! yea, He stches toa wet mop, fils the big ste! bucket on casters with hot water, a splash of isnfectant Sparkle, and bleach. He works backward, Leding the bucket shea of hi ike a woublesome dog. ‘The mop bangs against lockers, and Pinky loves the rtatatea off the empty doors Sings “Franke and Johnny"to their machine gun accompaniment. Sces himself Johnny, but can't imagine dong hher wrong, cant conceive of rick dicontent He rolls the bucket lino the boyy Bathroom. Lf is voice tothe le walls AC lat ‘thas th eth story goon, Prange ofr, from his ors cr to his fy Langue cthe He buts the los, ances in the talon His face seems different, and maybe i's jost lowe has cans: formed his, Or hase Tos weight? He hits the purty Knife rom the cat scrapes at wad of paper toweling glommed to the underside ‘fa sink, When hesraightens up, ne fidget finger int his waist banc snugs in two. Yer Oh yes He's owt weight. Pend came ram ring Fri, sai, Yow kno Foul el yu mB Ps your man Unig that sports cn ith hick ee Nel By — ‘Aidt ite tongs part le eters. tl, How can hee Rowe of hi oun tre heart? And damn i He slaps the brush in the toler bows squirts in bine disinfectant, ab, and ashes. He de servesne good shot ait, doesn't he? He lap the coverup, srube Tower damn —serubs-— backs ot ofthe sal then mine on 10 ‘he next the next. Patience, he tle heel, and though he's ‘nly Known Rose ea friend and neighbor ale oer two months, Ines gota fortygear backlog of expy nights, and Pik stops, ene sions the ealamiy of another forty empty years, ad finds hist ‘doubled over one ofthe toilets When his heart calms in his chest land the angina cases under his left wing bone, he backs out ofthe tail, The room is bright, as only lockeroom bathrooms ca Be, vith the high hanks of fuorescen lights Buzzing and rellecting of the mirrors and sales see doors the white porelain sinks and trina al blaze, so that when be Tooks ln We mirror What he ses his forehead shining with sweat and the enormous Labs ofthe Heart Py bel of his body overexposed in white overall, an fora moment te lor me gana te tite wll es Te leae the bucket and mop, he let br and deca, and erones bck ough the Hoke oom, aria gh se fe, ough the gym and othe de door He hands on he a6 Dial stoop Inthe school parking tou. eae lamps cone of ight Jeches wth winged insects ling burping shine est thatthe nights scoop vou Pinky bests deeply felt the moist back of hie shit ong. Crickets lek up whee they'd left He tepravay fom the ding and wake the locked School os into the nigh He walls sow and stead, hs hearts ings ches ghtening He Koows he wl veto re to wor, Dut foro he tars upside uct wire lampligh steams out on porchesind grat ti esta tothe sidevalk bu glancesin each house, Where drapes are open ifs he furnitre he noes hie pac has plan, tra lmp centered inthe window ike aiacon-Thew there reall the ditng rooms wih tabes hunkered by cas. So may eae scapes ovr the sf, mounted et he grouping of fae 4iypltares ke lineup Inthe poste, One ina ile he slimpss the people. Sometimes he bles he cons tee di her chicen hamburger barbecued ribs Or more vaguely alan isin, Oren Mie Eastern, Heelan sirng of hanger bt te rks his wo ingest wand agin is app inwead ofappe ple: He journey own another sie ste an ex hangs greetings with 4 man smoking a pipe on hs from porch He pases young couple and ihe woman titer bt they donne tee ink. 20 wrapped pare th, and ef tha tery sr ing He mets more people stinger theca: Why secins to him thatthe moe low nse sping ae te warm night Or maybe hit ic way the wor eongrezate hen Te alane, in his acho, is home. And there Hs howe Usckedight and shutered coe” He pens the Wont doe tapes, cats on all te lights Then he eps bck out onthe side ‘ww se wha he can of hime He relactan look bt ler he des fre 30 Badly. Tomorron, int hing. he wl ig ‘urthe old photos, ame the one of hit moter and fathers wet ding the pra ot is randaiher— bigchesed ih igh ic 1 Percheron Til ake 3 le he this and he pots on is~ cnatme oavts hice to look across the treet, 1 the house of his beloved. The Tights behind the drapes area wan glow, ane! he's stricken with how tidy the place i, how selfcontained. He Fels... what isi Notex- ‘acy lone, but sisi that equally unfaraia Feorm his endl of things, and disconcerting — cal it pity He wishes he could step ino her fe as easly ain his home, open it wide to this sweet hight. He hens a sgh and looks up, over dhe tees and over the top of houses to where dhe distant bil shoulder the dark beneath the quickening stars He means to take her on a date, but he doesn’ ell t that. He {doen't date. He mentions the move, casually over groceries. He to allay her suspicion, Ira love story, but ‘ther, She offers to buy the popcorn. “Only fans ays “Al the gas you've used om grocery ips” inky accepts, He feels prety smart, Of course he hasnt thought out the theater seats, and though his pants are looser now and Siting upright no longer cuts off his wind, sll ie ght, ght squeere, but he manages. He's appreciative for her small kindness uttered popcorn She'd noticed hiaweight essa couple days go. “Hope you're not doing this for me," she'd std, and when he Feplied, Nor" he could sce she was unprepared for the ‘sl part of her sng by his admission He felt encouraged, ‘sara sappy fil, ny other ime he would have been the frst to rice the sentimental. Except now itis Rose scoffing, and that promokes in hia desite to defend i. She curl her lip, and Pinky les hi heart go soft. Walking back wo the car, she recaps son ofthe louligte When she snort atthe dialogue, Pinky taps her am with ange, "You could ive ita cane “You can't meas ‘Auta heart he sys, She pinches hiearm It had a lobotomy. Not the same thing” "Ouch," he sy. She goes om. What you don't know" —she shakes a finger at thin "te that this kind of wif ignorance about the rates of love wearis me sometimes Thy drive away fron the theater in lence He wane to alk but is embarrased to admit that theres litle willl about bis igno- ‘ance. Inexperience certain " He sugges the so Driveln for a bite, and she agrees Rose's Labor ofthe Hert o ‘hamburger ills her hands, drapes over her fingers, los chunks of leuce and pickle into the napkin covering her lap, while Pinky's riled chicken breast sandwich is 2 pale, insignificant thing ‘Sompartson, I hardly seemsworth the effort. He takes baby bites to ‘sip of her male and i's s0 intimate a teste he's dumbfounded. He acces the patie cup from her hands and tes the straw — squeezed between helps just mo- ” sents catier— into his mouth, tongues the up tender Tis alt fof pure chocolate, cold and clean and sweet. His eyes close. So thier what its ike — the taste of a woman — and there's curious quivering atthe bave of hit spine. And of course he nae that's not the ease, but he enjoys the daa oftand has wo stop hime» self from draining her malt. = “You think 'm harsh she sy, “about the movie. But the point fer —she crumples the emptied hamburger wrapping — roman Ue love suggests we are incomplete without another, i need of sa ‘ation, You're led to believe that youl be a beter person if there's Someone around to expect it. But somerthere down the line, you find the cot ofthese expectations to dear. What you say- Eat the sme cooking? Sleep onthe same sie ofthe bed? Give up varity? Implausibe, if not impossible. All you will ot for is ie Hi nes, but what you will went more than anybody can give — hele tundivided atention forthe rest of dir fe and so you suggle and sruggle and hurt each other endlesly. “Thtee: marriages, over twentyfive years’ worth, Imagine — wengyfive years attempting love. Trust me. Irs complication youre beuer off without” Rose sighs, pats her lips dry, then sets the soiled napkin and ‘empty malteup back on the serving tray "Take me home,” she sy ‘She sounds tery weary. Pinky takes a deep breath, reseles in the seat. His stomach bumps the steering wheel. He drives the long may, own Bridge Street, over to Riverside, upto Highland, slow How painful she makes sound, twee jer, but all he ean think of i turning ‘ver ined to find someone thee, of eating someone elses cook: ing. al sounds grand to Pinky, worth the rik, the heartache, He Angarirhat W's like tobe alone the long haul oft not the ety phase when the day winds dawn because ow ¥ nothing beter 12 floand stretching arossan empty bed sil seems. ary. Ws coming om to seven inthe evening, nd the sy is et brightj o cuarme pavis ‘ith daylight. He stops at dhe schoo, invites her in, He shows her the broom closet, the mops, He showe her clasrooms, the new computer lab — shakes his head feather dusting, he explains. He fakes her into the gym. throws on the lights justo show her how he floor shines, He stands center court and lobe high at her He could almost swear she blusies. He proceeds to sing the only song he can think wid her maine in he tie, The Yellow Rowe of Tents” ‘On the way out ofthe building, she says, “A most unlikely But lovely serenade, Tak you” They leave the ear thereto walk the three blocks home. He knows she slows her pace to match his. Iis carly evening, andthe shortening daylight lapses into a dim gloam lng: Duskysvinged ash aphids are swarming — bumbling clouds of | biieshoatied mites that ric ke yea from the gras. Late summer, they come down from the Camas and Palowse prairies to swim in the warmer valley ae By fll evening, they wil eb together in gray vwnding sheets round the south side of the ash tee trunks, where they wll shiver nto thee final, shortiivel estas. But now they are ‘qual riding the tamil af heat convections and cooling dats TTaty speckle the couple's clothes, dust their hair Pinky is ene thralled with the tiny creatures, dhe enormous bulb of thelr Bodies nd improbuble fight. They bobble and fl rise and fumble. This imot a mater of grace. Rose waves a through the ai infront of her They stop the far edge ofthe clod, aud Rose ducks her bead, swipes at an ‘ye Pinky ean see a bead of aphids riding her eyelashes, "Ow" se ss, her eye tearing “Here,” he comforts, nips her chin berween Uhum and fore Finger: ifs her face to what islet of the light Rose sa woman who has lite ruck with wakeup, There's no attempt to dnguine the nes, de thinning skin. He is captivated, sw her, bythe sae energy of this woman, her relentless honest, All her life avaiable in her face, her eyes. An his isthe thing he bouh fears and admires, how she has been pared downto the bone tried and fired as he never has been. Though his fingers barely rice her chin, he feels her energy, some galvanic current of old floubss running tough her and she sidesteps under his hand. He es a steading Breath, ats, "Hold il” He spits om his Fe ‘drop of moisie to the corner of her Labors ofthe Heart 93 se The speck of he floats ff the white, onto Pinky's thumb and Ihe meal tity Up and dom the block, house fights come on, and child shoo eats out af front doors. The bill over the wow Maen, grow larger wih the dark There's no help fori, but Pinky feelsa mean ‘holy e's hard put to explain, and it has to do with the onset of ‘ark and the sensi I has to do with the smal woman at his Side, her mist st and his own ieime oF iding, nis house, his ind foremost his on fle, And he ses thas to do with fear ihe way we run through our lives in terror off and every thing todo with despair and perhaps, he think, tha is what de ‘pli, inal, a lack of ering. He Fel savy. Overhead, a cow lit from the treetop, banks toward the river with a hard igh — ha, ha, ba Ti anther block they sop again 20 dha Pinky can catch his breath, He pats in the quiet shakes his head, He wll lose weight wine wil because he eansot go on as he always has, he under- Sands ths om —but he also knows he wll always be big. Not Small or even im, and he istruck by thi Te hasbeen wih him 30 long this ocean of flesh Pinky fels he must el Rose, Warm her." val away bef," he sys "ee agrees, She lays hand on hisForearm, "As Lwilalways be iter" she sys “They sone that way in the new dark, and he thinks, shoul rng husband look ct fom his ving too window, oF should young wife hurrying home from errands come across them standing 80, they would think Rose and Pinky some middleaged Couple of long years— the way Rose's hand is anchored on i rn And he wondersabout the eouples he has so long ened how ‘uch i ilugon —a public Tace Tor the private geets and hurts they harbor? He thinks ofthe depth of Rowe's bitterness, the ea nest way in which she confirms it and he understands it's a deep dd abiding as the bones seated in the continent of his lsh. Te Ihumbles hi, how Rercly she grounded in her resolve ‘And he does not feel up tothe task. Sees himself as the light: ‘weight in the struggle. His stomach gripes nd will not be con sole! by the pat of his hand. How he already mises the easy com Fort of food, the anonymity He felsa nervousness, an anxlousness like a mised meal oF the tempation af chocolate before sleep. Hea Charme pavis say from 001 ft, rocking in place tet sel pon him tha he cannot ato, that hi ft re en place andi theplbs ho te cath wile he wander sel qc ‘agovt forged of consequences ager han isting, He cer Sheen herd bt he ghming ny esr of — Ol Toes. grgen mires, hdc eres in jdgment find more qn his abe hear He shoul un. He sho Bolen seme sea srg deeper than the nave courship hectare on. Norte terior coc Not fore int de. tia Journey of ays yeary chronic eof earache, the tenes wooing to win ads, agin and again. He alo. itogh fora se om ate woth anger ah Overcad,te owdsqual bec oon, He cums his tae wy: He slows ht pan by inagning te imaginable: the torch of djs the ordeninen of work nigh, clang, peo theocerymore wn care and ite Conerton that spa over fom dat day and ono joker He wonders ow the wil ook sapere Wl she ton-gecrom she grow igh? He Steady taes.a deep ben: What he mente rears more {han anything. st nagine ame when fear wl ary no meh in his heart When love wtneed no poo He ait no the dhs asitiomate om the festres hat stant dine the hel Sf fot sing the for ss he wep down fom hese of bi ea treshape ther ie Rowe? Bathe cannot know this Not tow. Nos ges And perhaps for now tne question t enough. He {homes the impute to ps bach seve. nse, he ead them arin ars het Des omying ech ts nw, been theneepled canopy of ycamore were he Hah of oon Sins te wvering shown schoo igh ELIZABET GRAVER The Mourning Door ‘Twe rans toric she finds i a hand. In the beginning, she thinks ia tangle of sheet or a waded sock caught between the Imattess cover and the matres a bump the size of a walt but Softer, more yielding, She feels it as she's Ing, lasing, in bed ‘Otten acy, her body keeps her beached, hough today the sun beckons the dagwoods blooming whit, the peonies glossy buds specked black with ants Tom has one to work alread, backing out tt the drseway in is pickup truck She has taken her temperature ‘onthe pink thermometer ote ie down on he graph — 98.2, day tighten, thee thirtecath month of trying. She takes it again, tobe Sore, thei sees back in, citing, though she knows she shoul tetup. The carpenters will be here soon; the ai will ng with ham thers, The men will nd more expensive, unnerving problems with the hove. She'll have to reep in her robe to the bathroom. 50 tinal and steady, ike one of the pets they Keep uncovering i cient. iting farmhouse — pomder post beetles, termes, ca peter sts. ‘She fees the bump nthe bel the way she might encounter 2 new mole on her skin, oF sea that had somehow gone unnoticed, her hand traveling vyuely along her body un i tumbles, ob, nats this? With her shin she fees it frst, a she tens over begin- Ting t0 get up. She sends an am ide the covers, palpates the thump. A pit of bunched panties, maybe, shed during sex and taught beneath the new sheet when she remade the bed? Tom’ Sock? A wad of tins? Sonne unknown object (needle threader, sock dares, butler maker chaff cparater?) let here bythe gener sa i