Anger

Many people have trouble managing their anger. This is for anyone who wants to learn
how to deal with it in a constructive and healthy way. www.mind.org.uk
I don't think of myself as an angry person, but sometimes I suddenly lose my temper over some little
thing. Then, I say and do really hurtful things, and when I've calmed down again I hate myself.

Is it always bad to feel angry?

Anger is a natural response to feeling attacked or injured. It's part of being human; it's energy seeking
expression. Our anger can be our friend. It helps us survive, giving us the strength to fight back or run
away when attacked or faced with injustice. In itself, it's neither good nor bad, but it can be
frightening.
Angry feelings can lead to destructive and violent behaviour, and so we tend to be frightened of
anger. The way we are brought up, and our cultural background, will very much influence how we feel
about expressing anger. You may have been punished for expressing it when you were small, or you
may have witnessed your parents' or other adults' anger when it was out of control, destructive and
terrifying. Or you may have been frightened by the strength of your own bad temper. All of this
encourages you to suppress your anger.
When something makes you angry, you feel excitement in your body and emotions. Your glands
are pumping your blood full of the hormone adrenalin, preparing for fight or flight. You are full of
energy, alert, ready for action. Tension builds up, but is released when you express your anger. The
release is good for you, helping to keep body and mind in balance and able to face life's challenges.
As long as the build-up of tension is usually released in action or words, you should be able to
cope with feeling frustrated occasionally! But if, as a rule, you have to bottle up your feelings, the
energy has to go somewhere. It may turn inwards and cause you all sorts of problems. Suppressed
anger can have very negative effects, physically and mentally.
Physical effects
Anger might affect your:
digestion (contributing to the development of heartburn, ulcers, colitis, gastritis or irritable
bowel syndrome)
heart and circulatory system (leading to blocked arteries)
blood pressure (driving it too high)
joints and muscles (resulting in inflammations, such as in arthritis)
immune system (making you more likely to catch 'flu and other bugs, and less able to recover
from operations, accidents or major illnesses)
pain threshold (making you more sensitive to pain).
Emotional effects
These might include:
depression (when the anger is turned inwards)
addictions (to alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs)
compulsions (eating disorders, such as excessive dieting or binge-eating, overworking,
unnecessary cleaning and any other behaviour that is out of control, including sexual activities)
bullying behaviour (trying to make someone else feel bad, because you think it will make you
feel better)
ill-thought-out political activity. (A terrorist blowing up a bus, or a pacifist on a prison hungerstrike could both be 'acting out', on a bigger stage, their personal difficulties with anger.)

All of these will damage relationships with other people, and this is likely to lower your self-esteem
further, and make you more depressed.

Is there a healthy way to let out my angry feelings?

It's much healthier to recognise when you are feeling angry and to express it directly in words, not in
violent action. Expressing anger assertively in this way:
benefits relationships and self-esteem
allows fuller and richer communication and intimacy
defuses tensions before they get to 'explosion' point
helps to keep people physically and mentally healthy.
For example, Pat shouts angrily at her husband, Andrew, 'How could you treat me like that, you
bastard?' Andrew feels attacked for no good reason, and shouts back with more abuse. Pat may then
feel helpless and victimised. Neither of them will feel happy with the exchange. Yet, if Pat were to say
to Andrew, 'I'm angry with you because you haven't done any washing-up for weeks!', he will know
why she is angry, and there will be a chance for them to talk about the washing-up, and work out a
solution. Pat will feel better about herself, and the tension between them is less likely to build up to the
point of violence. Andrew will have more information about what annoys Pat, and they will
communicate better.
When I was little, my Dad used to shout and hit out sometimes, especially when he'd just come
back from the pub. We'd be really scared. And then my Mum would go all tight-lipped and give him the
deep-freeze treatment for days. But they never talked about whatever it was that he was angry about in
the first place.
If you have spent a lifetime squashing your feelings, it will take time and effort to get into the
habit of expressing anger in an assertive, but not aggressive way! But the following tips will help.
Caring for yourself
Look to your general health, especially diet and exercise. Lack of certain nutrients can make people
feel irritable and weak. Exercise increases our self-esteem, as well as our fitness and muscle tone. Find
pleasurable ways to let off steam involving vigorous physical activity, dancing, chopping wood,
jogging, or whatever you feel like. This will prevent tension building up in your body in a destructive
way.

How can I deal with my angry feelings better?

Examine your behaviour patterns
Get to know your own pattern of behaviour and history around anger. What was your family like when
you were growing up? Who got angry, and what happened when they did? If no-one was openly angry,
what happened to resentments and differences of opinion or of needs?
What unspoken messages did you receive about anger? Perhaps they were similar to these:
Only men get angry, but nice girls don't. They grow up to be martyrs and victims.
Unless you shout and get angry, people won't listen to you or understand how important what you're
saying is.
Think about these messages, and how they have affected your life. Do you still believe them? What do
you think is possible for you now? Do you tend to bottle things up and get depressed, or do you tend to
explode and be aggressive? How do you feel about your current pattern? Find someone to talk to about
your feelings an understanding friend, or a professional counsellor.
Acknowledge past hurts

It's important to acknowledge angry feelings left over from the past, especially your childhood.
Nothing can change what happened to you, but your attitude to it can change. Past losses and injustices,
big or small, can rankle for years. Painful experiences may include being neglected by your parents,
bitter rivalry with a brother or sister, or the death of someone close.
You may think you have forgotten about them, that it's pointless to think about the past. But, if
something suddenly happens to you in the present, and your response to it is totally over the top, it may
become clear that these feelings are not so dead after all! While you remain unaware of them, they can
cause unnecessary problems. But, if you can get to know them, you will have a chance of dealing more
constructively with present situations.
For example, Sharon attends a parents' meeting at her children's new school. She finds herself
increasingly irritated with the person chairing the parent-teacher association (PTA), who behaves in a
very domineering way. Sharon comes away feeling depressed.
The school has requested volunteers to help organise a fundraising event. It is just the kind of
thing she usually enjoys, but now Sharon feels that she wants nothing to do with the social side of the
school. Then she realises why she didn't like the Chair of the meeting. He reminds her of a bullying
teacher, with whom she had some very bad experiences at school. Memories come flooding back of
how hurt, angry and powerless she felt at that time in her life.
Sharon talks about this with her friends, and they remind her that she is no longer powerless or
friendless that this is an opportunity to make a different kind of experience of school. Some of her
friends have children at the same school, and share her concerns about the style and presence of the
PTA Chair. Sharon can separate her old experience of the bullying teacher from her current challenge as
a parent. She can have the possibility of a more constructive engagement with this dominant person.
She feels free to join in the fundraising event, and plans with her friends and other parents how they
might change the way the PTA is run.

What should I do when I feel myself getting angry?

Stop and think, if at all possible! There is a traditional saying, which is very sound, that goes: 'Hold
your breath and count to ten before you say anything.'
Walk away from situations
It's a good idea to ask yourself, 'Am I so angry I can't think?', and, 'Am I wanting to lash out and hit
someone?'. If the answer to either of these is yes, then walk away from the situation. Tell the other
person that you are too angry to speak to them at this moment, if you can. Go away somewhere to calm
down. If necessary, let out the desire to lash out by hitting a cushion, breaking crockery if you have to,
shouting, screaming or making some kind of angry noise where it will not alarm anyone.
Resolve unfinished business
'Why am I so angry?'. Finding the answer to this is important for the next step. Are you angry because
of something that is happening now, that threatens you, your life, your loved ones, your work, someone
or something that you value? In other words, is your anger justified and in proportion? Or is it that
some of the anger that you feel is not really due to the person and situation that you are facing now, but
to some unfinished business from the past?
If your anger turns out to be more to do with the past than the present, then think about how to
address that before, or as well as, dealing with the current situation.

The way to find out about this is by talking it over with another person, preferably someone who is not
involved, personally. Once you are clear that the anger is about the here-and-now, prepare to tell the
other person that you are angry!

What is the best way to tell someone I'm angry?

Before you meet
Get clear in your head what your rights are, and be realistic. What do you want to happen?
What are you entitled to? What might happen when you tell the person you are angry? Can you
do anything about that? Can you live with the consequences?
Question your conclusions. You may believe that if you tell your boss that you're angry she'll
sack you, but this belief may not be true. It may even be part of a depression; your way of
keeping yourself powerless! If in doubt, talk to someone about your fears. It's important to clear
up any doubts before the meeting, or you may sabotage your chances of being heard.
Set the scene. Choose a time and a place that will suit you, and where you think the other
person is more likely to listen and hear what you have to say. Make sure you won't be disturbed;

Choose a setting that allows you to feel that you are both equal and that you both matter. Either
sit in chairs at the same height, or both stand up. Have the light coming in at a sideways angle,
not behind one of you (people get anxious if they can't see the face of the person they are
talking to). Make sure there are no physical obstacles (such as a pile of papers) between you.
During the meeting
Keep your body language assertive; alert, relaxed, keeping direct eye contact, with your feet
firmly on the floor.
Keep breathing! This will help you to keep calm.
Be specific. Say, 'I feel angry with you because...' This avoids blaming anyone, and shows that
you are taking responsibility for your half of the problem. The other person is less likely to feel
attacked.
Listen to the other person's response, and try to understand their point of view. Treat them with
the same courtesy and attention you want from them.
Ask for more time or another meeting, if things can't be resolved at once.
Finish by thanking the other person for their time and attention, whatever the outcome.
Following these tips won't mean you never get angry, but it will help you feel better about yourself.

What if I'm angry about a public issue?

Sometimes, people are angered by political issues; by sleaze in public life, by the treatment of people in
mental hospitals, or by the invasion of one country by another, for instance.
Anger can be an important fuel to campaigns for social justice. But, as with personal issues, it's
important to think about what you are doing and to use your anger assertively. In a healthy society,
participation in public campaigns for justice in a non-violent and responsible way would be seen as
evidence of maturity and good citizenship.
There's a well-known prayer that asks, 'Lord, give us the courage to change what needs to be changed,
the strength to bear what cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference'. Being in touch
with your own anger is a potent source of that knowledge and wisdom.

http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx#

Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological
arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you,
nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are,
and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you
already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might
need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some
people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than
the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but
are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things;
sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for
frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration,
inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the
situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is
evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are
present from a very early age. Another may be socio-cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative;
we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger.
As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily
angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep
those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry
feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the
techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both
partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture
your breath coming up from your "gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself
while breathing deeply.
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your
imagination.
Slow exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Change the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that
reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly
dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself,
"oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable
that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else.
"This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they
also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem.
They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a
solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better
(and may actually make you feel worse).
Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their
way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but
angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger.
Angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into
desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I
must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal
reactionsfrustration, disappointment, hurtbut not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way
to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump toand act onconclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very
inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your
responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about
what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your
time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom
and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she
starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's
underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot
of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger
or a partner'slet a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from
becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more
balanced perspective. The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is
"things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or
changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way.
Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who
owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while
others defer to you. What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously.
Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.