Tragedies

Chels Yar
Tragedies
Chels Yar
 We weren't
supposed to be such
a tragedy.
Follow me like your heart again, tell me that Im
everything youve ever wanted. Tell your mom that
were going to get married and Ill ask your dad for
his blessing. Dont question me when I tell you
forever, I promise you that youre the only thing Ive
ever been this serious about. Let me promise you a
life time, you can be my life line and Ill be your
endless supply. Let me let you ask me for everything.
Ask me anything. Ill carry all of your mistakes, your
burdens and everything youve done that I never
agreed with. Id do anything to have you home again.
Id take the blame for crimes I had nothing to do with,
just to feel you between my hips or even to feel your
back against my lips. Oh, the things Id give..


Nobody else could ever fill the void youve left.

Youre him,
youre it.

Youre the part that I want of this.

1
I hate that you exist in every word I write, you breathe
the air falling between each letter and you thrive off
of the crumbs of my punctuation, the unanswered
questions that hang off of my unfinished sentences.
You exhale the pain that pulsates through my busy
fingers and you caused the smoke coming from the
burning bridges I speak of so often. You feed off of
my anger and love my passion, choke on my stutter
and the things Ive said that are nothing but bitter.
You destroy me when you decode every white lie and
half told story. You linger on the way I dont take the
blame for anything, instead I pin my problems on
every body. I pin my scars on blades and not the
hands that handled them. You can taste me in the ink
my hands left on your neck and touch me through the
burns that my tongue leaves when I read out loud. I
hate that youre so alive in every part of my existence.
I hate that you dont even know that I feel this.

2
Were a deadly combination - a girl and her best
friend, weve got a cover for everything. Shes my
cover for every story and my proof for every thing I
say. The truth is made up but our lies are always
honest. Nobody could come between us.

3
He has lanky limbs and a tongue that heals your scars.
His arms wrap around you and you quickly forget to
ask why he smells like someone else's perfume and
stale booze. You forget to ask which pretty girl broke
his heart and when he plans on leaving you. You
wake up one morning to find out he got on a plane
that landed four hours before you knew it even took
off, he took his stuff and he isn't coming back. You
fall asleep to a shirt that smells like old cigarettes and
you can't help but think about who his bed sheets are
probably wrapped around. You cant help but wonder
if you were ever the reason he left town.

4
I lost myself because of you. I always knew that you
were going to hurt me, I knew youd eventually leave
and I always knew that youd want revenge. I didnt
care because I thought I was special, I was the girl
who broke your heart and made you fall to pieces. I
fell for you, the pretty boy with brown eyes who
smiles like a child and yawns too loudly. A barricaded
boy who always taps his foot absent minded like. A
boy whose existence and presence was always enough
for me. Now you're just the boy who expects me to
drown myself even though I know how to swim. You
expect me to stay while you plan for us to end; while
you wait to get on a plane. If Ive learnt anything, its
that I was never special or important. I was just
another girl that broke your fragile heart and then
asked to be in your bed again. I was just another girl
who got caught up in your game of playing pretend.

5
This boy grew into a revenge hungry burden. He
raged a war within himself, against every fibre of my
being. He built his army and talked strategies, he
prepared to take me apart in pieces - not even leaving
a lung left to breathe from. I tried to calm the chaos, I
cried and I begged, I cursed and I promised, I tried
and I needed. He dragged me through every ounce of
love he could fake and then he decided to leave. He
left me better. He made the hurt last longer, made the
clock have more hours and the nights go by slower. I
left him in a day but he waited two years and took a
month to do it slowly. He took an entire month to sit
back and watch it eat at me.

This boy grew into a man who resembles nothing less
than a monster, but maybe Im just hurt and bitter.

Maybe Im just sorry that I couldnt be worth more.

6
Im distracted but Im not alone, Ive got too many
hellos to worry about your goodbye anymore. Just tell
me one more time, how I meant so close to nothing.
Write it down on scrap paper and say you never
meant any of it. Watch me swallow every word but
not my pride, watch me close the door with you on
the other side. Leave in tears and count the kilometers
you have left drive. Tell me all the ways I didnt
measure up and choke on the tears I wont cry. Let me
go when you leave me behind. Let me let you leave
and when the miles are crushing you, remember that
Ill be just fine.

7
I hope that each mile you drive rips a new hole in
your throat and I hope that our story is one youll
never be able to tell without doing too many lines of
coke. I hope she says your name but you hear my
voice and you choke. I hope your lips burn when you
touch the gold chain around her neck and you cant
stop seeing the one you bought me. I hope you look at
your hands and think about how mine always hurt. I
hope you look back at how you left me and you
remember that I left you first.

I hope you think about his hands up my skirt and
remember that I hurt you worse. I hope that loving me
feels like a curse.

8
You were the multiple shots I took to the stomach and
he was the one to bandage my wounds. He showed up
on our doorstep with a shovel and begged me to bury
our flame. He swore that I deserved better, he said I
was the girl he always wanted and you never deserved
her. Hes something and thats a whole lot more than
you ever were. Your hands were always searching my
skin, looking for the kind of girl Ive never been. You
looked in every crease and crevice, speaking in circles
and whispering how I never deserved more than this.
You are a door that was never meant to be opened, a
window without a screen. You are everything I never
wanted and everything I never thought you could be.

9
I cant say Ive ever felt this, an ache for something
stronger. An ache for someone to be so much closer. I
guess its just out of the ordinary for me, to want
something so soon - to jump to conclusions. Maybe
its just because you felt like a second home, a door
that wont lock me out. A set of ears that wont stop
hearing me. You feel like a safety net but in the best
way, you wont stop catching me when Im falling all
too quickly.
Maybe it was the way your smile made my heart sink
or the way your laugh was the nicest thing Ive heard
in way too long. Maybe it was the way you told too
many stories but you werent worried about boring
me. We went for coffee, we did it properly. I didnt
kiss you at the door or invite you up but somehow
Ive never been closer to anybody. Ive never been so
happy with such a small decision.
I cant say that I mind this, the way you leave my
cheeks hurting and you smile like a child on their
birthday, teeth showing and your eyes glowing. I
cant say Im not excited to wake up to that on
Saturday morning.

10
I dont want you to hold this against me -
at least not my words but maybe your body.
Maybe your hands in my hair or your voice in
my ribcage.

Im sure you could conquer my unanswered
questions and cause some breaks in my sentences.

Im a good girl but I dont know if Id really argue,
its been a while since Ive felt anything but used.

Maybe its from the booze or maybe
its just because I really, really want you.
You smiled and my tongue tangled,
my chest got real heavy and my hands
began to shake.

I thought about inviting you in -
Im wishing I did and wondering what you
wouldve said.

Maybe I dont need to make excuses -
maybe this is just fine,
its alright.
I just want this.
I want to make you worship.

11
I wish it wouldve been worse. I wish I wouldve
been the one driving and driving alone, I wish my
seatbelt wouldnt of caught me or that I wasnt
wearing one at all. It wouldve failed to lock and the
airbag wouldnt of deployed, leaving me against the
dash. I wish the air bag wouldve broken my neck, I
wish there wouldve been oncoming traffic -
something to swerve into.

If I wouldve been the one driving, driving alone, it
wouldnt of been an accident and I wouldve deserved
it.

Im sorry you feel that way, he said.
Im not, I replied. I did it to myself, cant feel bad
about that.

12
I warned you that I would hurt you. I told you that Id pull
you to pieces, push you away and rip us apart. I tried to
leave you, to make you save yourself. You wouldnt pull
back or walk away, you wouldnt turn on me. I made you
crumble and turn to shrapnel, leaving you among the
rubble of our broken home and you still made it look
comfortable.

I dont know how your so good at making my mistakes
look graceful. You watch me burn bridges, force unwanted
distance and yet you still think Im incredibly beautiful.
You say that Im always going to be your angel, even when
I have two black eyes and wings covered in charcoal. You
try too damn hard to make this seem so peaceful. You take
my fuck ups and you make me miserable, by trying to make
this pain tolerable.

You dont seem to understand that this pain was my fault.
I dont want to stop hating myself.

I dont deserve to feel anything but incapable.

13
If you want to make this easier, if you want me to
keep it together, maybe you should take off my
sweater. Cut open my chest, pry apart my ribcage and
bury your hands inside of me. Make me feel your
warmth. Take out my heart and pick out every little
piece of yourself. Im so tired of seeing you so hurt,
Im tired of it being my fault. Im tired of constantly
being the reason why there is no us. I dont want to
keep dragging you through hell and Im sick of being
the reason you keep swallowing a cloud of dust. As
much as I want you, I wish youd let go of the
thought.

Maybe my instinct is something I need to trust.
Maybe you deserve so much better than this.

14
Your eyes make my hands cold, I choked.

All I see is you though, he argued.

Then why is she still calling you?

I think I should go.

He always ignored the blood on his hands and I was
always too scared to ask questions. I was always told
not to search for answers that I didnt want to know.
He always had one hand on my throat and the other
on his phone.

I had a love for matches and he liked to pour gasoline
on houses, always burning down stable homes.

I was scared of water and he loved to watch people
drown.

15
They keep asking me the same thing;

are you okay?

Im fine, I say. Im lying.

Everyday I wake up and pray, I beg each and every
god to send their worst kind of darkness and take me
away.


Good lord, send an end to my pain.

16
Im looking for answers and causing myself pain. I
keep igniting flames just to use them to burn the
bridges that Im too cowardly to face. He says I need
to learn to clean up the messes I make, I should learn
to take the blame.

Maybe it wasnt all me, maybe you couldve tried
harder and we never wouldve wound
up here. Maybe if you wouldve held me tighter,
maybe if you wouldnt of begged her, I
wouldnt have a sore stomach from beer and pain
killers.

17
He was nothing more than a distraction. We were the
real thing, I gave him an hour but I offered you a
lifetime. You couldve begged me to stay and I
wouldnt of begged him to take me. You couldve got
in your car or jumped on a plane and things wouldnt
of had to change. What I did was far from okay but
you pushed me away.

I told you I would soak us in gasoline
and light a new flame.

I warned you, I asked you, I begged

you not to let me walk away.

You called her anyways.

18
Your brakes squealed as you backed out of my drive
way and I watched you go your own way. How could
you think things would stay the same? You packed
me up and brought me here, then left without having
the right things to say. My heart left with you that day
- buried in your boxes and dissolving in your tire
treads along Ontario highways. You walked all over
me and took my happiness across the county. Im a
dumb kid but Im far from naive. You werent
coming back, you were leaving me. Whyd you have
to get on that plane? If you wouldve waited one more
day, you wouldve gotten your way.

19
Let me end your pain, Ill bury myself in your name.
Ill make us a new home, one that he hasnt tainted.
Ill create a new drug, a new high -
a new way to ease your mind.
You can find the answers to your questions on my
tired lips,
as long as you let me use you as a distraction
when youre between my legs.
You can keep her number, call her if I prove you
right.
Fuck her if I dont stay, talk to her daily.
Even out the game.
You can do what you want but if you push me away,
youll never make love again.
Let me spare you some pain.

20
Im feeling sixteen again, Ive got a broken heart and a
dirty bed. Im under covers with a string of lights
brightening things up. Im hung over and my eyes wont
stop hurting. Ive got a lump in my throat the same size as
his fist and Im choking on my mistakes. Every song I play
feels like a new rib breaking, I am laying here begging for
forgiveness from yet another person I fucked up. I hurt you
and I didnt care until it was too late. I didnt care until
you were in a million little pieces - until your chest was
wide open with your entire heart laying lifeless at my feet.
I didnt stop until you were hardly breathing, until you
were an inch away from death.

You make me want to die, he said.
I puke every time I think about it, he spoke the truth.
You never loved me, he said.
I meant nothing and I hope he was worth it, he threw.

I so hate you, he admitted but I already knew.
You never thought I was enough, he accused.

He was just too high up and I was so used to being

abused. I was so used to just being something shiny,
something new. He left and the distance just grew. He was
something special, one of a very few.

21
Speak to me with words made of wine. Intoxicate me
and lead me to believe every single little lie. Get me
drunk off of the slightest bit of truth and show me
what it feels like to feel anything but used.

22
He drags his fingers up my thigh and my leg trembles.
My head tips back and my lips part ever so gently.
His mouth is always creating sweet spots I never
thought Id know about. Lips to hip, I go still. His
breathing is heavy and I can feel his smile as he
exhales on my collarbone. My eyes are closed and his
fingers leave stains on my throat, he grips my wrists.

Ill never hurt you, he whispers into my skin.
Youre just much too fragile to be gentle with.

I couldnt make sense of it, he was nothing close to
rough but somehow it didnt feel like love. He was
reclaiming violated territory, cleansing a body you
were never meant to touch. I wasnt innocent but you
were the tainted one.

23
They were drowning and it was hard to tell whether you
were suffocating in the darkness of them or swimming in
a hidden ocean. They were the deepest brown, his eyes -
gleaming with a blue undertone. It was hard to stay
focused when he looked at you; you could be standing on
a busy street and with one look, its just the two of you in
a silent forest. He, himself, was dark. The way he held his
shoulders made my lungs hurt, his presence was heavy
and hard to ignore. Hed look at you and it was like he
was about to say I love you for the first time all over
again, it was the longing mixed with pain that always got
me. He had a sore soul, a body that ached from the inside
out and a stomach sick with sadness. He was a walking
storm but was always too quiet, he was thunder that was
too loud to hear. He spoke and I wasnt sure if I heard
the words or just read them off of his lips, always lost in
the way they moved so slowly. He was the human version
of calm, but if you really knew him, you knew each word
he spoke felt like he as choking. He was my blessing but
his own curse, always destroying any one that got too
close and hating himself for it.

This man couldnt love if he wanted to, and the moment
he thought he might, hed drown you. Hed push you
away and tell you that you were the bad one. Hed say
whatever he could to hurt you, to make you sick at the

24
thought of him. Hed tell you that you werent good
enough and he wanted someone better. Hed say that you
were just a distraction and tell you about some other girl
that slept in his sweater. Hed tell you to leave him alone
and then six months later hed show up at your favourite
bar and scream at the guy touching your arm. Hed show
up at your moms door in the middle of the night and ask
you to talk and kiss you in the middle of yelling at him for
being so irrational. Hed pick you up when youre drunk,
hold your hand on the way home and then tell you not to
call him. Hed walk in to the shop party, pull you aside to
apologize and hold you against the wall, saying nothing
but with eyes that were screaming hear me, hear me!.
Hed ignore you for two years and let you be happy, watch
you fall in love with some other guy and then call you just
to start a fight. Hed wait until you were no longer his at
all and then hed tell you that hes love you all along.
Hed say that he knows how he acted was wrong but you
deserve someone better, someone wholl always pick up
the phone when you call. Hed wait until youre happy
with somebody else and then tell you that if you want a
chance at all, that chance is right now. Hed tell you that
he loves you and now you hate him more.

You show up half cut and pour a case of beer on his drive
way, can by can and only he knows why. Only he would
get the joke, but hes not home. Hes with the girl with
eyes bluer then yours, the one with blonde hair and a
daughter that shares his eyes.

25
He slept next to me but this room had never felt so
empty. He was always a one - time thing that I did
one too many times. He was just another guy, one
who actually cared enough to try. He was nothing
special but his intentions were right. He wanted to
marry me but I wanted to feel anything but clean. He
wanted a future and I just wanted to make sure youd
never speak to me again.

He was a pawn, you were the target and I was the
enemy. It was a game that noone would win.
When youre self destructive like me, there is no such
thing as victory.

26
He was never an ex, but more of an exit an escape.
He was my life jacket when you flooded the whole
town. He was my one call, the only voice Id want to
hear when my freedom is in question. You were the
bastard that made my ribcage feel like cast iron, the
lack of a dial tone when someone has broken into
your home. You were the scab I kept picking when I
shouldve let you scar. He was my childhood in a
breathing body and my past with a tongue. He went
from being my fall back to being the one, you went
from being my everything to being a mistake that
wasnt even fun. You went from being the biggest
part of me to being so small. Hes given ten years of
love and youve given two that you already gave up
on.

27
It's 3:27 a.m and it's hasn't even been a couple hours
since you left. I can't seem to bring myself to lay
down because I don't want to change the way you left
our bed. I don't want to alter the last moment you
were in it, the last time I'll be able to sleep for god
knows how long. It's 3:27 a.m and I hate myself for
ever hating you. The only part of my body that's
warm is where your arms were placed for 21 minutes
straight before you drove away. I've got the sound of
your voice breaking lodged in my throat and your
absence is too hard to swallow.

Goodbye is never what you think it will be. It was
long and it hurt so much more than I thought possible.
Even with two months to prepare myself, it came all
too suddenly and time is already dragging until I get
to see you again. Goodbye was only temporary but
this hurt feels like an ache that will be permanent, it's
like a beating scar underneath my ribcage. Your
absence feels like glass in my eyes and I can't imagine
sleeping without waking up to you. Goodbye was the
hardest thing I've ever had to do. Fuck do I ever miss
you.

28
I want you so bad, I whispered into his hungry ears.
I'm a damn good lover and an even better liar. We can
do this tonight and I'll even make it worth it, I almost
begged for him. He pulled up my shirt and started
kissing the scars on my back, focusing on the burns
across my shoulder blades. It's as if he thought you'd
never have another lover, he said achily - hating the
things you used to do to me. I guess that neither of us
thought I'd survive it, my lungs broke into a bitter
laugh. I could've treated you so much better, he said
while tracing the old bruises on my spine. I should've
done better by you, he continued weakly. I want you
so bad, I whispered into ears that always made good
company.

29
My mind keeps going back to the conversation we
had in the box of your truck. We were parked on the
edge of a hill and it was too high so you put a hand
around my foot and helped me up, sliding up next.
You got as close as you possibly could, lying on your
side and stretching out. Your chest was against my
side and it had been a few months since I'd felt
something quite as warm as your touch. I sat up and
we sat in silence.
"I'm sorry," I finally said. "For what?" you were quick
to question. "I had so much to say to you but now I'm
at a loss." You smiled and said, "Yeah what's that
about?" Pulling me back down.

I exhaled deeply, letting out my anxiety with my
breath.
"Have you ever been addicted to drugs?" I asked,
drawing a look of surprise from your face.
"Yes," you said quietly. "Why do you ask?"
"That's what it's been like, missing you. Except this is
worse."
You straightened out your hat and looked down at
your hands.
"Did you ever recover?" You asked. I looked away
just as you looked back.
"Only from that," I laughed. "Only from that."

30
I'm hanging onto every word you say when I used to
hang out with strangers in hotel bars and I was never
one to stay. I'm clinging to every break in your
sentences and daydreaming of your shadow, I'm
wishing it was you in this empty room. I have hardly
enough scotch to get me through the night and he's
probably lying awake trying to think of every possible
way to pick a fight. Why're you always on my mind?
My hearts heavy and my fingertips reek of ink. I have
your name scratched into the back of my head and
everything you've never said I'm swallowing like dry
wine. I guess you could say that I pull your words
from the back of my own throat. I listen for an after
taste in your echo, always watching my phone and
hoping that maybe you'll show up at my door when
I'm home alone. Maybe I'm praying that you'll let
yourself in, I can't be scared of tearing down barriers
when it's not even an option. I can't be scared of a bad
connection if we're skin to skin.

31
Don't call me
when you meet the perfect girl who has eyes like the
ocean
and less like the sky and the ground combined
don't call me
when she leaves you for always being so broken and
disrupted
or when you are restless over your inability to keep our
promises
don't call me
when you're drunk and you're too anxious to dial any
number but mine
don't call me
when you toss and turn at night
or roll over and her tired smile just isn't quite right
don't call me
when you get an invitation to my wedding
because your name was on the list of people I used to
know
don't call me
when she asks about your protruding scars and you
can't utter I fell
and you need me to keep you from losing your mind
and baby please don't call me
when you have to tell her every single detail of us
and it tears you to shreds from the inside out

for heavens sake,
don't call me when you realize you messed up.

32
He held his head in a way Id never seen before and he
never knew what to do with his hands.
His lips were always slightly parted and always curved into
a crooked smile.

I wasnt always like this, you know. I won when I met
you, I feel like my prison just kind of broke up, so I let you
in. I wasnt always like this, you know. I caught your heavy
glance and I havent been the same since.

My mouth tastes like metal and my ears ache as I hear the
echo of words I never had the guts to say.
His name is a constant knife in my stomach and I wouldnt
want it any other way.
He doesnt seem to understand that I wouldnt want this if
it wasnt complicated,
I wouldnt want him if he wasnt this very person. This
person is who I fell in love with and I was never expecting
it to get easier. I was never expecting him to ever be sane or
rational, to ever be anything other then the tornado I made a
home in. He is reckless and destructive, both to himself and
everyone that surrounds him. He a walking ache, a
speaking collision with a high blood pressure and fast heart
rate. He is the opposite of me, yet were two of the same.
Were chaotic and anything but perfect.

Somehow, our hurricanes are a perfect fit.

33
She had her head tilted lightly to the right, listening in
to conversations she never shouldve heard. Her
parents shadows danced all to defensively, her father
yelling that its all her mothers fault and her mother
saying do it, Ill call the cops.

She ached against the staircase, trying to soundlessly
escape the argument she shouldnt understand. Hes
supposed to be a good man, she thought. At nine
years old, there isnt a lot you know but you know
better than to underestimate your mother crying in the
bathroom alone at three in the morning.

When youre nine years old and exposed to constant
fighting and malicious actions, you probably know
more than you should. You pick up on the little things,
always watching peoples bodies and how they react
to certain things. You catch on quickly and onto
everything. Her mother always jumped at the sound
of the front door opening, I guess its pretty easy to
become scared of people youre expecting when every
time he walks in you dont know exactly who youre
getting.

She was nine years old and found the sound of sirens
soothing, easily put to sleep by the red and blue lights
flashing. She was young but she was calm, he was
never the kind of monster you had to hide from.

34
I have all of these words buried in my mind and they
eat at me. Theyre anchored down by phone calls that
never came, heartbreak and boys that couldnt be
bothered to show up for a date. They are tied down
through doorbells that never rang, tangled with my
veins, branded with my blood and merged with my
rib cage. They are burned into my skin where his
hands hit, every where hes ever left bruises.

You undo all of it,
but you leave me speechless.

35
Some people are born bleeding hypocrisy. Theyre
born with blood no redder than my own and they
grow up to believe that nothing less then gold flows
through their veins. How many life lessons does it
take to fix someone as pathetic as you? How many
rounds of karma does it take for your head to come
out of the clouds? Youre mother raised you right but
your father poisoned you with self-righteousness and
never being satisfied. He taught you to believe that he
was never in the wrong, he was never to blame and
you grew into that mind set. You hate liars, you say,
but itd be okay for you to commit a murder. Youre a
city boy, grew up under the pretty lights with a
burning nose and listening to mommy and daddy
fight. You acted out, you moved to a small town and
you gained a sour mouth.

You are incapable of being the bad guy, you think.

Everybody else is always wrong but not you. It isnt
possible, right? Youre a perfect human being, and
out of the 7 billion of us, youre the only one without
the ability of fucking up. Dont you get it? Youre just
as bad as the next guy, youre just as shitty as the guy
sitting behind bars and the one sitting in a cubicle.
Youre no better than the man that fucks his wifes

36
best friend before going home to her. Youre not
better then me. Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life
but I at least Im man enough to admit to them.

Youre a city boy, you moved to a small town and you
held everyone else down.
Youre a city boy that gets off on watching people
drown.
Youre no less of a let down.

37
Follow me down dark roads and Ill show you that
there is no other way. Ill show you that theres
nothing beautiful about the way you say her name.
Its like a match to a bigger flame, every outcome will
be the same. You say her voice felt heavy on the
phone and I asked you why you stayed, whyd you
build it all up just to t h r o w it away? You swallow
and its louder then your truck leaving the driveway,
maybe its just too quiet because neither of us ever
had the right thing to say. You never said anything. I
guess she was the good kind of change. I say she was
the spare kind, the kind that rattles in your pocket and
goes through the washer ten times without getting
clean. You defend her like shes holy, like shes
someone you worship - something to believe. But
where was she when you were drunk and getting off
the plane? Where was she when you hit a deer driving
home to me? She hit me and I was blind sided, I never
expected you to do something so dirty. I never
expected something so low, something so destructive.
You ran to her when I left - rather, when I let you
leave - and I had to apologize because you didnt have
the balls to go in. I had to apologize when you proved
that we were always nothing.

38
You left and I tried to breathe different. I wanted to
inhale clean air for the first time in years, you always
had such dirty hands. You had dirty lungs, and a hollow
chest. I buried my face in his collarbone and for the first
time, I smelt something other than cheap cologne and
cocaine. He tasted like a waterfall, you left me with dry
skin and burnt hands. You werent similar at all. He
didnt make me need him, but he wanted to be wanted.
He wanted me to ache of him, you preferred when me to
beg for you. He kept me from the water because I cant
swim, you wanted me to drown for your sin. You wanted
me to go down with your ship but you never deserved it.
You didnt deserve this. He whispered about a wedding
on a cliff and you said I wasnt worth a ring. I guess
what I really want to say is that you dont know how
shitty someone is until you feel a better kiss.
I didnt realize what you were lacking until he made up
for it.
I didnt realize I was so lost until he said I was found.
I hope youve still got youre best friend, your dad and
a bottle of sleemans brown.
Youre a dirty boy with protruding ribs and wide veins
and you dont deserve me but you dont deserve to be
alone.

39
I warned you that the fire was going to hurt, you had

me by the throat and you made me go first. You made

me take the heat and now Im the one covered in

burns. Dont tell me that it was my fault just because I

lit a different flame 3 years ago - after stomping on

ours. You tucked tail and ran, you brought me here

and then left. I didnt leave you for him, I left you for

me and I left a lot less behind. Dont bury me in

debris just because your lungs are full of ashes.

Maybe if you stopped yourself from making passes,

you wouldnt be living in rubble and trying to make a

home out of all the broken pieces. Maybe if you could

take fault for some of your bad choices I wouldn't be

sitting here trying to find a way out of this. Call me

me when you realize that this is your own mess.

40
Ive been waiting for something to say but I keep
coming up blank - my mouth tastes like cheap liquor
and your tongue still tastes like her. We tangle
together as we dance to the bedroom, arms lifting legs
and walls holding me, my back hits the sheets and I
can feel her skin between your teeth.

I pull away and you pull me back, taking my
movement as encouragement but I feel so fucking
sick when you touch me.

I avoid your skin because youre the only thing thats
ever been warm to me and that used to be a good
thing but it feels like hell lately.

You taste like hell lately.

41
Tear us apart again, say that I meant nothing. Learn to
love me and then drown me, hold my head under because
you dont know how to swim. Get scared and leave
because I wanted you to stay with me through hell or
high water. Break my heart again, leave the province and
Ill reconnect with old friends. Ill light fire to your
existence and show you that I never needed it, I wanted
it. Ill reignite old flames and you can sit outside of her
house again. I want to do this all over, it was the only
thing that made us feel alive. So teach me how to breath
and then suffocate me, fill our home with smoke and
leave when I cant see it coming. Pour a case of beer on
the driveway and soak the couch with gasoline, I just
want to feel our heat again. I dont want you to leave I
just want you to love me the way you did back then. I
want you to touch me like you did when you hated me, the
way youd lose your hand in my hair when you kept me
face down because you couldnt bare to look at me.
Bruise the skin behind my ears because you dont realize
how much stronger you are than me. Get on a plane and
show up at my doorstep, covered in tears and sweat. Beg
me to tell you that I didnt mean it when I said I didnt
want this. Beg me to want you, tell me youve changed
and youll be a better man. Ill build a wall between us,
make you push me away but keep me in arms reach. Ill
push you out again, delete your number and make you
pull me back until your hands are bleeding.
Ill do whatever it takes to feel wanted,
but you shouldnt have to hate me to appreciate me.

42
Im tattered and your skins cold,
your lungs rattle like a pill bottle,
one you probably shouldnt of stole.

My chest caves heavily every time I inhale
and I beg you to be anywhere but next to me.
Your breathing taints the way I eat, the way I sleep.
It crushes me and you make me feel like Im always
falling,
were in bed and theres zero gravity,
my hearts in my stomach and Im so fucking dizzy.

Im tired of dealing with your broken heart,
why am I being punished because youre weak?


I told you that my ribcage was covered in charcoal
and your laughter fill the whole room,
you thought it was funny that I burned myself when I
tried to scold you.

Why am I being punished because youre on a losing
streak?

43
But why him? She smiled, her eyes bleeding
sympathy.
What makes him so significant in youre life? What
about him makes you ache?

My head fell to look at my hands, which I never knew
what to do with. I never wanted to be here, I never
wanted to be asked these questions. I just wanted to
forget about his existence.

Well? She pushed, making my hands shake.

Well I dont know, I answered. I
dont know what you want from me.

I want to know your answer, I want to know what let
him under your skin so I can help you get rid of it
she explained.

He has my dads eyes but they dont make
me hear sirens, I started.
"He speaks in sentences that are put together
a little too well, as if he knows
what to say before he has time to think.

She watched with eyes that made me feel naked, like I

44
was exposing my bones.

"When he moves, I can feel the friction. Its heat I was
never lucky enough to be exposed to before him. His
voice makes my stomach hurt, it makes me panic.. my
chest feels tight and my lungs quake. He smiles and I
actually feel privileged.

His absence makes me sick, his absence is

the biggest mistake Ive ever made.
He made me fall in love with him, and thats a
place I dont think Ive ever been.

She exhaled and I knew that she couldnt think of the
right thing to say. Youve left me speechless, she
stated. As long as Ive known you, Ive known you to
be self-destructive.. but I dont think you meant to do
this. I think you were scared and you felt cornered. I
think you backed down because you seen his existence
as a war you would never win, you knew he was not a
force to be reckoned with and you werent ready to be
destroyed by him. I think at the time, you did the right
thing. But I dont know how to help you get past this.
I dont think you want to do anything but let him in.

45
I hope every kilometre tears you apart inside
and I hope the stars and the sky make you think of my
eyes.
I hope it kills you to remember the way they changed
colour
or when you think of the sound of my sigh.
I hope you find yourself on the verge of tears
every time some other girl kisses that tattoo on your
collarbone
and doesn't know it was covering a past love with a
girl I despised.
I hope you find yourself struggling to fall asleep ten
years from now
because no one else has feet colder than mine,
and I hope you collapse constantly when you think of
packing the truck for the last time.
I hope it kills you every time you look at our dog
and he doesn't understand why he hasn't seen me in
months.
I hope he lifts his head every time someone walks
past the apartment door
and I hope he pays a little too much attention to the
sound of someone else's footsteps on the floor.
I hope you have to hold your head in your hands
when you think about who's been holding mine and
more than anything,

46
I hope you wake up one day and leave for work
just to find yourself parked on the side of the free way
with your hazards light on
and a busted knuckle from punching the steering
wheel
when your choking on everything you never let me
say
I hope you run into your ex at the grocery store with
your mom
and you have to choke on the lump in your throat
because seeing her face again makes you think about
that time
that I found out everything I was never supposed to
know
I really hope that in 20 years, you'll have more scars
and still be broken
and I'll be just fine.

47
Im caught between I wish you were here, I hate you

for leaving, this distance is killing me and I wish I

wasnt yours. I feel guilty for feeling everything and I

feel a shrieking ache to feel nothing at all but this

wasnt my call. I fell and you left. After a few years, a

few holidays, some birthdays and every goodnight, you

left... but I guess you had your reasons. You have family

and friends, you have a life outside of me. I guess I

couldn't relate, my family is a big part of me but you

were everything. You were my monday mornings, my

friday nights and my lazy sunday. You were the body in

my bed that was always under me, the shower that I

always woke up to the sound of it running. You werent

just my something shiny, my something right now or my

maybe. You were it, you were him and you were me -

but you had your reasons, even if I didnt agree.

Im caught between being tired of being able to validate

you leaving and being sick of not being capable of

agreeing with my own feelings.

48
He said seeing me felt fake, like he was writing it down
with his eyes closed and just d r e a m i n g. Maybe thats
because of what Ive been doing, memorizing his
protruding collarbone and scarred rib cage in both my
head and on paper. I follow our every movement with a
pen, tracing the aching in my chest. He said touching me
felt fake, I felt cold and it made him question it all. I
dont know where my hands have touched you, he
whimpers. Its like Ive never touched you before.
Youve got new skin with new flaws. His eyes moved
quickly back and forth as he examined my face for any
emotion. He says Ive always been unreliable, Ive got no
tell. Im a monster, I said with a quiet laugh. I warned
you. Im a gentle tornado mixed with dry ice and a forest
fire. Im laced with carbon monoxide and no windows.
Im not your breath of fresh air or your safe haven. You
shouldve run when I told you to, now Im afraid time will
always win. Im afraid you dont quite understand the
danger of the mess youve let in. Youre infected and Im
the only one with the antidote, why would you give
yourself to a villain? His eyes held mine and his lips
cracked into a half broken smile, exposing a chipped tooth
and his over grown lip piercing. Maybe I always knew
you were a prison, He whispered. You no longer have
the privilege of escaping. His teeth were full exposed for
half a second before our smiles turned into a kiss between
two victims.
49
I was trying to quit you and my roommate was trying
to quit smoking, we were at each others throats and
had no one being supportive. I tried to quit cold turkey
and she went on the patch and I accused her of being
dramatic because she was still getting nicotine and I
was getting jack. Well, his name wasn't that but he
wasn't enough. He had hands that were soft; it couldn't
feel like you because yours were rough. I guess I didn't
think to look that closely before looking for somebody
to replace you; well, not replace you but rather
someone who could help me taste you. I wanted
somebody whose lips always tasted like stale cigarettes
and a spliff, but he didn't even smoke, none of 'em did.
I thought I could find you by being like you and
looking in all the wrong places and trying to connect
pieces that weren't going to fit. I wanted to be like you,
unaffected even though my mind was a mess and my
heart had taken yet another hit. You were never the one
to end it, you were walked out on and thrown aside like
garbage by every girl you fell in love and I think that's
why I did it, because I was like you and you were the
one person that let me leave you bloody and bruised. I
left a knife in your spinal cord and you're drowning in
his blood on our drive way while I'm writing this but
it's fine, because you carved her name into my back
and only wanted to fuck me if you could see it so in my
mind, you were asking for it. You were begging for
this.
You weren't different.

50
We have always been complicated; I met you and I
didn't want to love, but I did. I was broken when you
showed up, I had too many problems and I didn't want
to leave you behind with them, but I did. "I haven't
stopped thinking about you since," I said.
I bleed you and I breathe you, even if that's something
I won't admit. Well, I guess I just did. "You've never
told me any of this," you whispered, referring to my
addictions. "You are the only one who wants me as
is," I said softly. "You are the only person who doesn't
avoid me even though I've got a time bomb in my
chest - right where my heart was." I sighed and buried
my face in your collarbone, trying to build the courage
to continue. "You're the only one who gets close
enough to risk anything." I stopped, choking on my
tongue.

We have always been complicated, always in the
wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.
I love you because you can make things simple when I
need to fall apart quietly but I'm too scared to be
alone. You pick me up, take me home and turn the
lights off, along with both of our phones. You strip me
down and lay next to me, touching just enough to feed
me warmth. I love you because you make me calm.

-"I can hear it ticking," you whispered in the dark.
"The bomb. It sounds like home."

51
You stood out, you took a detour and would up at
my door. I couldn't help but take you up on the
offer, your eyes made mine look washed out. You
wore me down, you said my name and I thought I
was going to drown in the sound. It was sweet in a
sick sort of way, the way you spoke. You said one
word and I knew I was going to love you in a way
that would destroy me. It was the calm before the
storm, but I knew what was coming. I knew I'd love
you in a way that was far to messy and you would
never love rm back. My best friend said I was an
adrenaline junky; I opened my heart to the free fall
even though I knew we'd hit rock bottom. I've
always had this pit in my stomach and I knew your
worst couldn't be any darker. You were chalk on the
side walk, blood burning on snow. You stood out,
you were a home invasion but I'm the one that left
my door unlocked. It was my fault, but you stood
out.

52
Love me like I'm yours instead of always wrong.

53
He was a time bomb,
Ticking in my head every time he gets me alone.
I hear it in time with my heartbeat
and I wonder which will explode first.
Ive done enough drugs for the both of us
and hes only got 30 seconds left.

He laces a kiss with his tongue and puts a hand on my
shoulder blade,
Youre shaking, babe. He says, my blood boiling
beneath his fingers.
Hes hot and the lack of distance lingers,
I could never be to close to him.
I could never be to close to this.
He says my name and Im way to close to it.
He wraps a hand around my throat
and counts down from ten, asking if Im ready for
this.
Tell me Im the only one and maybe you can make it
through this.
Tell me he never happened and Ill stop the explosion.
Tell me you forgive me for hurting you at all.
This is up to you, save yourself or save them all.
Its your call. Say anything but my name and Ill
detonate the bomb.
Cant make it easy, He said.

Wouldnt want anyone falling too hard, I joked.

No, that would be cruel, He laughed.

So cruel, I laughed too.

Oh, darling, if only you knew.
 You weren't
supposed to be the
death of me.
 "We were a plane crash at our
best, nuclear fall out in the end."

-C.Y