Female Guide to Nepali Male-Female

Relationships
By and large what I have learned through experience and surveying is that, just like
everywhere else in the world, relationships are damn complicated. We have to guess
at what people are thinking. But to make things even more complicated, our ability
to read between the lines is hampered by cultural and language differences, so often
the lines of communication get crossed resulting in extra-frustrating situations.

This guide was produced in response to my attempts to turn down a guy by using the
word “friend” three times in text message, and then finding out that that just made
him even more certain I was interested in him. Through conversations, mainly with
about 5 Nepali guys and 1 Nepali girl, I have determined the sometimes vastly
different cultural cues in Nepal for relationships, enabling foreigners to navigate this
world. Despite my huge sample size, this is clearly a document with huge
generalizations, so I take no responsibility for any backfiring relationships or general
offense taken1.

Glossary:
Strict – A girl or guy who is absolutely not physically involved with someone until
marriage. They could date someone, but with the purpose of marrying them shortly.
They can still have friendships with people of the opposite sex.
Liberal – The opposite. Someone who does date and have random hookups before
(and possibly during) marriage.
There is rarely someone who is “in between” strict and liberal, but I’m doubtful of
this.
Missed calls – Missed calls is when someone calls your cell and hangs up
immediately. They can indicate a number of things: the person has no balance left
on their phone and wants you to phone back, they are thinking of you which if it is
someone you are friends with already can be completely friendly, but if someone you
don’t know or is done repeatedly could be flirting.
Friends – Can apparently mean friends or something more
The third sex – This is a heterosexual guide because I’ve barely met anyone that isn’t
homophobic to some degree, let alone gay, but it’s important to note that here “the
third sex” just means gay, not trans (although perhaps officially it includes trans
here? The guys I’ve spoke to say it means gay only)

Dating:
Girl trying to date a guy (strict girl + strict guy)
Guys can be quite direct with girls, but a strict girl shouldn’t be direct with a guy.
Generally, we are to understand guys will all want to date you anyway, and will
probably have made the first move, but in a rare case perhaps they are too shy. For
the girl, making the move is a long process, 15 to 20 days, that really revolves
around waiting for the guy to make moves.
1. Send text messages daily, just asking how they’re day was, and casual
conversation type of things. If he is interested, he will respond more or less
immediately and each day. You can also missed call him, BUT a strict girl
1
What started as a legitimate attempt to educate ended up being, at least, a huge source of
really entertaining evening conversations as my two main research helpers were quite aware
of the purpose, and let me read paragraphs to them over dinner allowing us 1 hour
conversations on humorous details such as what “coffee” really means in Nepali or what
assumptions one makes about a woman who works in a restaurant, backed up with their
personal stories
 would never missed call a guy more than 3 times a day. More than that and it
will be assumed you are liberal.
2. Now wait. If he’s interested he should at some point text you to ask if you
would like to meet for coffee/tea (implied the date is that day)
3. You should respond that you are quite busy and don’t have time. Yes,
apparently this is what you must do.
4. He will respond and say that you should make time.
5. You will respond and say that you will think about it and contact him shortly.
He may or may not call you within the hour, but if not you can call/text him
and tell him that yes you can meet.
6. At coffee/tea there will be a discussion of interests and future goals (not
things like children, but things like careers) to see if there is commonality.
7. Upon returning you must text him immediately to say that you had a good
date. He might even go so far as to call you immediately and that’s a great
sign. This is possibly a sign of whether something is a date or not. If there is
no immediate follow-up then it was likely just a friendly coffee.
8. The next day you should have college/work and so not contact during the day,
but definitely send a text that night. If for some reason you don’t, then the
following day send a text and apologize for having been busy the night before.
9. After this, as a girl, you’re completely dependent on what he does. It then
becomes like “guy trying to date girl”.

Guy trying to date girl (strict girl + strict guy)

This game is similar to girl trying to date guy but at any point the guy can be, and
probably will be, way more direct. It’s allowed. As with everywhere, it can be hard to
tell when a guy is thinking date and a guy is thinking friends. I think the allowable
directness would often make things easier though. Generally he might follow some
steps such as:
1. Calling frequently and seeing how responsive you are (probably some
frequent texts fit in here)
2. If you talk on the phone with him, asking you out for tea or coffee
3. After tea or coffee, maybe asking you out for a walk
4. During the walk, perhaps pointing out other couples holding hands and
commenting on how happy they seem to judge your reaction. If you’re not at
all interested, you would basically comment on how they seem improper or
not good in some way. If you are interested you could say yes and probably
the next date he would try to hold your hand.

Girl turning down guy

Again the guy is going to assume you like him it seems no matter what. Note that
saying he is a good friend is NOT a rejection. In fact, it will simply make him
convinced you are interested. I am also told that the excuse of “I am moving back to
another continent shortly” isn’t valid either because they would be confused as to
why the distance would result in the termination of the relationship. Being bluntly
direct or lying seem to be the only options here. You could ignore the person, or you
could say you have a boyfriend. I am also hoping and testing that simply not
responding to texts the same day, but always waiting about 2 days, is a valid method
too. So far it is working. Although it goes against my desire to not hurt someone’s
feelings by strategically ignoring them, one of my research assistant guys comments
on my situation saying “In English you have a good saying…you can’t make an
omelet without breaking eggs. That is your saying.” The general consensus seems
to be claim to have a boyfriend (from your home country) but I would like to throw
out claiming you are gay as a possibility as well.

For specific incidences you have to be firm and direct. For example, if he touches
your hand in a restaurant and you were interested you could return it or say “not in
public”. If you are not interested you say “No” and pull your hand back.

Sex:
Girl trying to sleep with guy
This by and large seems to be pretty consistent worldwide. You have to put out
“liberal” vibes in advance and then just feel free to assume every liberal guy wants
you. But, just like everywhere in the world, some guys will catch on quicker than
others. Here are some tips though:
1. 90% of men drinking in bars are liberal. If they are drinking alone, 99%. I’m
also told, if you’re in a rush, you don’t even have to go INTO the bar and can
probably manage to find someone outside of it.
2. If you meet a guy, your strategy must be to get him to a bar for a drink, and if
he agrees there is a significantly higher chance he is liberal. One method
would be to start out asking him out for “chia” or dinner, and then you can
move it to a bar.
3. You may be afraid of hooking up with a guy, and them then thinking you’re
getting married. By and large a guy who is willing to hook up with you is
probably liberal and therefore not looking for a relationship. However, to be
on the safe side, be direct in advance. As with most advice I’ve gotten around
letting down guys, say you have a boyfriend. E.g. “I have a boyfriend at
home, but I am feeling particularly lonely right now in Nepal” = “want to hook
up, don’t want anything more”
4. Advice from self-prescribed strict guy: “you wouldn’t want to try for a strict
guy anyway because he can’t perform well” (ie he’s a virgin).
5. Liberal Nepali guys are capable of performing well. I would guess that they’re
statistically as likely as any guy anywhere else in the world. We are told that
they do know their stuff though.
6. The sealing the deal part once you’re at the bar is supposed to be similar to
everywhere else – just make some kind of comment of them coming over to
your apartment. I’m specifically told that you would never need to do this
though because once the guy has one beer they’ll be all over you anyway.
Personally, I hesitate to say that guys here are smart enough to tell the signs
even if you are in their apartment, which is why I caveated this with some
guys catch on quicker than others.

Guy trying to sleep with girl

This is somewhat consistent worldwide in the sense that the guy will try to scope out
whether or not you are a liberal girl, and if they decide you are, then they will be
direct. But the liberal cues differ sometimes. Here’s examples of questions you
could be asked at a bar that are not typical in the West:
1. Do you live alone? If yes, you get one point for being liberal. To seem strict,
say you live with friends (or family if possible).
2. If you live with friends, they will ask questions about them. For example, are
they foreign? If yes, you get one point for either being liberal, or naïve
enough to not catch on to the liberal Nepali man. If you claim you live with
Nepalis then one point for you being out of bounds.
3. Do you have a boyfriend? I’m pretty unclear what answer would constitute
being out of bounds because it seems that even if you say yes, the liberal guy
won’t be phased. My final conclusion is that this has nothing to do with if
they’re going to try to sleep with you, and is simply casual conversation: “Do
you have a boyfriend? Where did you buy those shoes?”
Of course, clothing dictates liberalness or not, but is just common sense. If you are
brown/Nepali, going out alone at night (depending on exactly where you are)
classifies you as a prostitute. The advantage to that is at least you won’t have to put
up with the line of questioning and can just take the money and run. Apparently
also, if you are brown, working at a restaurant means you are definitely liberal.
Neither of these judgments apparently apply to white foreigners, but I would hesitate
if you were in a place where they aren’t used to white foreigners.

Girl rejecting liberal guy

The general rule of thumb for girls rejecting guys seems to revolve around the fact
that a guy will always assume a girl is interested in them and therefore will keep
trying. Apparently, the way to handle this is to be extremely direct. If a guy is being
overly flirty and you want to say “hell no”, a Nepali girl will just get up and walk out
of the room (or just hang up the phone). Can’t get much more direct than that.
Saying you have a boyfriend here won’t matter but SHOWING your boyfriend will
work. So if you’re with a friend, use him. I still stand by saying that you’re gay would
work here. In my experience, it doesn’t have the same exciting connotation that it
does for men in the West.