126 Paul Dooley & Winnie Holzman (Theresa pause as lights slowly fade on the acruxss. Then . ..) actor: Call Emily. Also cousin Ruthie. Send note to Father ‘McKay and everyone who sent flowers. (Beat.) The service was lovely. Everybody said so. (Beat) I was looking through your things for that locket you said Eugenia should have. could hardly believe what I found. You'd saved every Post-it I ever wrote you. I wish Td saved yours. I could be reading them now. (Beat.) Back soon. Going to the store, We need milk, END OF PLAY WANDA’S VISIT Christopher DurangWiandas Vise was part of Dunng Durang at Manhattan Theatre Club, 1994. Directed by Walter Bobbie. The cast was as follows si Marcus Giamati sansa Lizbeth Mackay | waxpa Becky Ann Baker! ‘warren David Aaron Baker CHARACTERS amt MARSH, his wife ‘TWO MEN Scene: A comfortable home in Connecticut. Not realistically designed, though—different areas represent different rooms: the living room, the dining room, the bathroom, the kitchen. The dining rooms table later doubles as a table in a restaurant. The furniture and the colors are taste- filly chosen. A “country” feel. At Manhattan Theatre Club the setting was very simple: « round table and three chair, When the chairs were one way, it was the living room. When the chairs were around the table, it was the dining room. For the bedroom, two chairs were put tagether and the actors sat on them and spread a consforter over themselves. The bathroom was defined by a square of light This isthe home of jist and maRsHA. They enter and come to speak to the audience. comfortable skirt and blouse, with warm but pale colors. Her hair may be pulled back. Their manner in tal also, perhaps, of exp a story, but ing themselves fo a marriage counselor. JM: Our lives had been seeming dull for a while. You know, ~ nothing major, just sometimes being quiet at dinner. 129130 Christopher Durang Marsa: After thirteen years, you run out of things to say, T guess. Or else it’s a phase. saat: I think its a phase, MARSHA: Me too. It'll pass. jim: We've been married for thirteen years. smarsita: Our anniversary was in March. sine: So in March we went to dinner and tried to get drunk, but ve just got sleepy: marstia: We didn't try to get drunk. gu: I did, ars: We had a very nice time, but the wine made us sleepy. yim: We were in bed at ten thirty. Asleep in bed. Manstia: Well, we were tired. jum: And then the next week I got this letter from this old class mate of mine. arsna: Wanda. He'd never mentioned her. jum: Well, she was just some girlftiend, You know. High school. arsna: Wanda xe: And Wanda wrote me, saying she'd like to visit. And I asked ‘Marsha if she'd mind. ‘WANDA’s VISIT 131 MARSHA: I have trouble saying no, most women do, I think. It’s not pleasing or something. Anyway, Jim got this letter... JIM: ...and Wanda said she was going to be in our neck of he woods... ‘MARSHA: ... and [hate the phrase “neck of the woods” ... Jim: And I asked you if you'd mind, and you said, it would be fine. JIM: (Stymied; out to audience.) Well, I didn't. I thought it would bbe fim. You know, to mull over the old high school days—the prom, the high school paper—I was editor .. ‘ansHa: And really, what a ball for me .. yim: And Marsha didn’t seem to mind. I mean I can’t be a mind reacler. So I wrote Wanda back, and told her we'd love to have her visit. I mean, really it might have been fan. In high school ‘Wanda had been quite a looker. Marsa: And, of course, what an enticement for me. To mect an old high school fantasy. Lucky me. Jim: So we set a date, and Marsha cleaned the house and baked a chicken, -MARSHA: Jim refuses to cook or clean. yim: Tmow the lawn, you make the chicken. Mansa: We're old-fashioned, I guess.132 Christopher Durang gum: And so we waited for her visit. (Lights change. Sound of a cer driving up, stopping, and a door slam- ming.) Jim: Oh, 1’ go, honey. It must be Wanda (JIM goes off to greet WANDA. MARSH straightens up things one last time. Qffitage we heer great whooping and enthusiastic cries of Jim! Jim?” MARSHA looks startled, carious. WANDA anid jx come into the oom. WANDA is alo late thirties, early forties, but unlike yim. and masta, she is not in as good shape. Her clothes are a tittle gaudy, her hair looks odd or messy, and she caries a sense of emotional disarray with her. But she also looks kind of fun and colo wanna: (With longing) Jim!!! (wanpa throws her arms around jist with great abandon, and then holds this embrace as if her life depended on it MARSHA goes closer to them and waits patiently for the appropriate ‘moment fo be introduced.) WANDA: (Still embracing him.) Jim. Jim. Oh, Jim, MaRSHA: (Since the embrace doesn't seem to be ending.) Hello, I'm Marsha, Jim’s wife ‘wanna: (Breaking from the embrace.) Oh, hello. Nice to see you! I ‘was just so excited at seeing this guy. Hey, guy. Hey. How ya doin’? en WANDA’S VISIT 133 Jim: I'm fine. (A litle uncertain he recognizes her.) Wanda? WANDA: Are you expecting someone else? JIM: No, it’s just—well, didn’t you used to be blond? ‘wanpa: Yeah, and I didn’t used to be fat either—although I'm not really fat, my woman's group doesn’t let me say that, I just have a food problem and some of it shows. But really T just Jost twenty pounds, You should have seen me last month, Jim: You seem quite thin. wanpA: Oh, you're sweet. I may look thin, but I'm really fat. (To arsHA.) Do you have anything I can eat? MARsHA: Well , wanpa: No, I'm just kidding, it was a joke, it seemed like this setup, you know, Lalk about my weight, and then I say, can Thave some food? Mansa: But if you're hungry WANDA: I am not hungry. (Glares at MaRSILA; then becomes friendly again; to jis.) Say, Jim, I love your wife. She reminds me of my mother, (To MARsHa.) No, no, the positive side of my mother. Really. [like both of you. MARSHA: (Innocently.) Thank you. I like both of you, wanna: What? mansia: (Tying to fix what she said.) I lke you, and I like Jim. ‘wanpa: You better, you're married to Jim, you lucky dog, you. Oh, give me another hug, guy.134 Christopher Durang (WANDA gives jim another bear hug) ‘WANDA: Hireerererrerer. Jim: Why don’t we go in the living room? (WANDA careens into the living room area, looks around her. They fallow) wanpa: Oh, I love this room. Its so “country.” Did you do it, Marsha? Marsa: Well, we bought the furniture. I never thought of it as “doing it)” actually. wanpa: Oh, it's wonderful. And I should know, because I have terrible taste, arse: What? waa: I mean I can evaluate good taste in others becaiise I have such bad taste in all my own choices. For instance, my house looks like the interior of a Baskin-Robbins. Every- thing is plastic, and there are all these bright yellows and dark chocolates. Realy, the only thing worse than being married to me is to have me decorate your house. yin: Well, I'm sure you underestimate yourself, Wanda. ‘wanpa: Isn't he a dreamboat? You're 2 dreamboat, dreamboat. Well, say thank you! Jive (Embarrassed.) Thank you. ‘wanpa: (To Mansi; with sudden fouus) Do you have anything to eat? Pretzels or something? wanpa’s visit 135 Mansa: Well, dinner should be ready soon, Hh, Lord, I don’t want dinner yet, Just some pretzels be good. Somet to munch on. MaRsHA: Would you like some pité? ‘WANDA: Pité? (To jim.) Where'd you get her, honey, the back of ‘The New Yorke? (To saansia.) Sue, honey, 1 can eat paté as long as you have crackers with it. And maybe some pretzels MARSHA: Fine. I'll be right back. (Exits to kitchen area.) wana; Oh, Jimbo, she's a jewel. An absolute jewel. (wana sits next to JIM.) jim: Thank you, We've been married thirteen years. wanpa: Ob. An unlucky number, But she’s a jewel. I hope she’s not hard like a jewel—just precious. uot: Yes, she's very precious. wana: Good. gat: You know, [hate to say this, but I don't recognize your face actually. wanpa: That very perceptive, Jim, I've had plastic surgery: But it wasn't the fancy-schmancy kind to make your face look better, it was so they couldn't find me. sim: Who couldn't find you? WANDA: I don’t want to talk about it. Not on the first night, at least,136 Christopher Durang sim: Now you've piqued my interest. wANDA: Oh, you men are always so impatient. (WANDA squeezes his knee. MARSHA comes in with the paté, and notices the knee-squetzing. MARSH sits down with the paté. WANDA is seated between JIM and MARSEA.) -MARSHA: Here is the pité. wanpa: Thanks, honey, I'l just have the crackers. (Munches enthusiastically on a cracker.) Stoned wheat thins, Llove this. (To mM.) She's a jewel, Jim, int: (Rather miserably) I know. You're a jewel, Marsha. ansHa: Thank you. (Jo WANDA.) Would you like a drink? (wanna pauses for a moment, and then begins to sob, very genuinely) MaxsiiA: (At a loss what to say.) Don't feel you have to have a drink. Jim: Wanda, what's the matter? wanna: (Through sobs.) Oh, I don't want to burden you. Or your wife. ‘MaRSHA: That's all right, I'm sure we'd love to be burdened. I mean, if it would help you. Me Yes, Tell us what's the matter. wanna: I don't know where to begin. I'm just so unhappy! int: Gosh, Wanda. What is it? WwANDa’s visIT 37 (WANDA pulls herself together, and tries to explain why she felt so upset.) Wanpa: Well i all started the summer after high school gradua~ tion. (7b maRsHA.) Jim and I had gone to the prom together, and though of course nothing had been said, everyone just kind of presumed he and I would get married. Jim: Really? Who presumed this? wanpa: Well, everyone. My mother, my father, me, everyone. gM: Gosh. I mean, I knew we dated ‘wanpa: Dated, Jimbo, we were inseparable, From about Febru- ary of senior year to June senior year, we spent every spare moment together. You gave me your class ring. Look, | have it right here. (Looks through her purse.) No, T can’t find it (Keeps looking.) -MARSHA: Jim gave me the nicest engagement ring. ‘wana: Uh-huh. Now, where is it? (WANDA dumps out the messy contents of her purse; looks through the mess.) No. No. Here’s the prescription for Seconal I always carry with me in case I feel suicidal. MansHa: I don't think any of the pharmacies are open this late. (WANDA stares at MARSHA for a moment, like a child who's erying and has suddenly been distracted. Before she can go any further comprehend- ing whatever MARSiA said, JIN speaks up) jim: Forget about the ring, Wanda. Tell us why you cried a few minutes ago. ‘wanna: Isn't it obvious?138 Christopher Durang -yixt Isn't what obvious? ‘wana: Seeing the path not taken. I could have had a happy life if | married you. Excuse me for talking this way, Marsha, T {just want you to know how lucky you are. MarsHa: Oh, that's fine. Whatever. WANDA: No, not whatever. Jimbo. (Kisses him; looks at MARSHA, speaks to yim.) You see, I do that in front of Marsha so-she knows how lucky she is, MARsHA: Thank you. I feel lucky. WANDA: Well, don't you forget it. Are you listening to me? -MasHA: No one else is speaking. wana: (Genuinely laughs.) Oh I love her sense of humor. So anyway, after the prom, Jimbo went away for the whole sum- mer, and he didn’t write me . xt: [ didn't know you wanted me to. wanpa: And then you and I went to different colleges, and then when you didn't write me, I was heartbroken. pM: Really? I'm terribly sorry... I thought we were kind of casual, I mean, we were seventeen. ‘wanpa: I was eighteen. They held me back in third grade. nM: Wanda, if you felt this way, why didn’t you tell me at the ‘ime? You haven't said anything in ewenty years. ‘wanpa: Well, I've been very busy, and it's hard to be open about ‘emotions, especially painful ones. (Chomps on a cracker.) So WaNDa’s VISIT 139 then I went to Ann Arbor, and oh, Jim and Marsha, I’m so. ashamed to tell you this—I was promiscuous. ‘MARSHA: Really? wana: Yes. (Emphatic, cranky.) Gosh, these crackers are sure making me thirsty. When you offered me something to dink, I didn't think it was going to be my one chance. MARSH: (Startled, disoriented.) I'm sorry. Would you like some- thing to drink? ‘wawpa: (Sweetly)) Yes, thank you, Marsha. Anything at all, Pref erably with vodka. (MARSH exits off to kitchen.) ‘wanna: She really is a jewel. She really is. Now where was I? JIM: You were saying you had been promiscuous. WANDA: It was awful. I became a campus joke. But it was because I was drowning my sorrow, you see—in flesh. sm: In flesh. Ah. Well, that’ too bad. ‘wanna: There was this one night a whole bunch of guys from. the football team stood outside my window and they chanted my name. yim: Ob. Well, at least you made an impression. wanpa: Yeah, but it was because I was missing a certain some body. And ako I liked sex. (ARSHA comes in, justin time to hear this lat remark.)140 Christopher Durang yum: (Starlled.) Oh, Marsha’s here, Hello, Marsha. We missed you. Mansa: (A bit of an edge.) Here's your drink. T hope you like Kool-Aid. wanpa: Oh, I love it! (Gulps her entre dink.) Mmmm, delicious. (mansi looks disappointed.) waa: So anyway, the campus minister once had to give a whole sermon against me, which made me feel just awful, (To jum.) And all because I was pining for you. Mansi: I wonder if Ishould check on the chicken, jim: Please don’t go just now. (JIM gets up, to stand by MARSA.) wanpa: And, of course, I was raised Catholic, so I knew what I was doing was very, very wrong, but I was so unhappy .. « (Weeps copiously.) (s0%s and aaansasa stare at her for a little while.) iM: (Without too much enthusiasm.) There, there, Wanda, Manstia: Yes. There, there, wanpa: And then my second husband gave me herpes, and every time the first one would call to threaten my would trigger an outbreak (wansia sits back down in a chair, xa sits on the arm.) WANDA: . .. herpes is often set off by emotional turmoil, you know. sim: (Forcing 1.) Oh, yes, I've read that. SS SS ee WANDA’S VISIT 14r ‘WANDA: And then I thought to hell with men, maybe I should become a lesbian. And I tried that, but the problem was [just wasn't attracted to women, so the whole experiment was a dismal filure. Mansi: Doesn't anyone want dinner yet? WANDA: (Suddenly switching moods) Marsha sounds hungry. Sure, honey, let’ go eat, (wana bounds up and moves to the dining room table. uxt and MAR~ sHA follow. ‘The dinner is not realistically done, It may be mimed with plates and sit- venware already set on the table.) wanpa: Oh, the dinner looks beautiful. Marsha, you're so tal- ented as a homemaker. Now where was I? Jim: Something about you were promiscuous, wanpa: Well, I don't like to use that word. I slept around uncontrollably, that’s what I prefer to say. Did you ever do that, Marsha? MaRSHA: No, | didn’t. I was a late bloomer. Wana: Uh-huh, So then there was that guy from prison. And then there was his father, Fred. Did I tell you about Fred? ‘Well, Fred said to me, I married you because I thought you would be my anchor in the port of life, bue now I think you're stark raving mad... Maksta: Could I have the salt, please? (Jia passes MARSHA the salt.)142 Christopher Durang waNpa: ... and I said, you think I’m crazy, who’ the one who hhas hallucinations, and thinks that shoes go on the hands instead of the feet? Not me, buddy boy. sine: (To wana.) Did he take drugs or something? MansHa: Please don't ask her questions. wanpa: What? “Mansa: (JO WANDA.) Well, I mean I want you (0 tell the story your ov way. wanpa: Thank you, Marsha. You know, Jim. I really feel close to Marsha. jim: I'm glad. (To mansita,) Could I have the salt, please? ‘wana: (Responding to him.) Sure, honey. (Passes him the ansita.) Don't you just love him? (Continues on with story. So one day the washing machine blew up, and Fred said to me, you did that, everything about you is chaos, I'm leaving and I'm taking Tranquility with me. yim: He actually said “tranquilicy”? Mansa: (Muttered.) Don’t ask her questions. wanna: (Explaining) Tranquility was our dog. And I said, 'm the cone who fed Tranquility, and walked her and took care of her worms, and she used to throw up on the rug, and, of course, you can’t just leave it there . Marsa: Excuse me, I'll be tight back. git: Marsha, are you all right? Wwanpa’s vistT 143 arsni: I’m fine, wanpa: I hope my talking about vomit didn’t make you feel sick. anstza: (Nearly out of the room.) No, its fine. SHA has left the dining area and gotten to the bathroom: area. She holds her head in pain, or leans on a wall fora support. She just couldn't stand to be at the table for a minute longer.) waNpa: She's a little hard to talk to. Jim: I think she had a hard day. \wawpa: Really? What did she do? Spend it making up the guest room for me? go Oh, wwanpa: Really, [can sleep anywhere. I think I’m being evicted tomorrow anyway, so I'd prefer not to be there. yim: That's too bad. ‘waa: I roll with the punches. I enjoy the little things in life. I enjoy colors. I like textures, I like silk and cotton, I don’t like corduroy, I don't like ridges Jem: (On his way to find Mansita.) Uh-huh, Hold on to the thought. I'l be right back. (s1m exits and goes to the bathroom area, where he finds muanssia still crouched or leaning) Ju: Why are you hiding in the bathroom?144 Christopher Durang Marsa: [ needed aspirin. Then I just couldn't go downstairs again. When is she leaving? jc I think she's staying overnight. Mansiia: What? ‘jiw: T think she’s staying ov Mansa: Did she say that or did you say that? (wana, bored alone, bounds into the bathroom area with them. The area is small, and they're all cowded together) wana: What are you two talking about? JM: Oh, nothing. Marsha was just brashing her teeth. ‘wanna: Ie’ so intimate brushing your teeth, isn't it? When you live with someone, you don't have any secrets. I remember David said to me, why didn’t you tell me you had herpes, and I said, I forgot, okay? People forget things, all right? And he said, not all right, I'm going to have this for life, and I said so what, you have your nose for life, is that my fault? red, but sort of annoyed by the logic) Yes, but his nose wasn't your fault, while .. ‘wana: What? Mansa: Nothing. I sce your point: wanpa: So then I thought I'd stay out of relationships for a ‘while, and I went to work for this lawyer, only he wasn't a regular lawyer, he was a kingpin. gum: Kingpin? WANDA’S VISIT 145 ‘wanpa: Of crime. He was a kingpia of crime, only I didn't real- ize it. Eventually, of course, I had to get my fice redone so they couldn't find me. But I better not say anything more about this right now. Mansiza: (Tiying to tell her no. Jim says you were expecting to stay overnight ... wanpa: Thank you, I'd love to! I feel I'm just starting to scratch the surface with old Jimbo here. Jimbo, do you remember that girl with the teeth who won Homecoming Queen, what wwas her name? sim: I don't remember. She had teeth? waNDa: Big teeth. MARSHA: I would like to leave the bathroom now. wanna: What? MARSHA: Well, we need to make your room up for you. I didn't know you were... well, we need to make it up. wanna: (A little gir.) L hope there's a quilt. Ilove quilts. ‘MARSKA: I'll look for one. (Wwanpa stares at her, happy, but doesn't get out of the way.) ‘MARSEA: You have to move or I can't get out of the bathroom. WANDA: (Serious) I'm holding you hostage. arsa: What?146 Christopher Durang wana: (Shifting, cheerful) Isn't it awful che way they take hostages now? (Cheerflly leaves the bathroom, talking awa) Te reminds me of my life with Augie. He was really violent, Jhe was really litte, so I was able to push him down the stairs. (1M and Mansita. Took at ome another, a title alarmed by the “hostage” exchange. Lights change, The prominent sound ofa clock ticking. Time is pasing WANDA, JIM, and MARSHA standing in a “hallway” area, about to ‘make their good nights) wanpa: (Happy) Oh, you guys, it’s been a great evening. I can't believe we played games for four hours! canst: I'm really sorry I shouted at you during Monopoly. wanpa: That's okay. I know somebody who got killed playing Monopoly. yim: But you were really good at charades, wanpa: Thanks, but I'm sorry I broke the lamp. MansHA: It's perfectly all right. Now the guest room is right down this hall. waNpa: Well, good night, you two. See you in the morning MarsHA: Good night. (WANDA exits off to the guest oom. JIM and MARSHA go to their bedroom, or rearrange the set to stand in fora bedroom—move two chairs together into a “Bed,” put a comforter over themselves. wanpa’s visit 147 ‘They're too tired to talk. They kiss each other briely and close their eyes to sleep WANDA enters, wrapped up in a quilt.) wana: Oh, is this your bedroom? Oh, it’s so pretty: (J1M and MARSHA open their eyes, very startled) Mansi: Is something wrong with your room? wana: No, it’ lovely. Although not 5 nice as here, But then this is the master bedroom, isn't if? smarstia: Can I get you a pill? wana: No, thanks. Marsha, I love this bedroom. I feel very “enveloped” here. It makes me never want to leave. (WANDA pulls up a chair right next to their bed. Keeps wrapped ina her quilt.) T just love New England. I worked in Hartford for three ‘weeks once as a receptionist in a sperm bank. MansHA: Wanda, I'm sorry. I really think I need to sleep. wana: You can deep, I won't be offended. So I got fired from the sperm bank, and then I went to Santa Fe, “cause I heard the furniture was nice there. (Clock ticks. Time passes. um and MARsHA change positions in bed.) WANDA: And then Arthur’ ex-wife kepe making threatening phone calls to me. (Clock ticks. xt and mansiia change positions, now look more uncom- Sortable.)48 Christopher Durang wanpa: (Coquettish.) And I said, “Billy, why didn't you tell me ‘you were sixteen?” (Clock ticks.) ‘wana: (Chatty voice just telliig the facts) And then the policeman, said, let me see your pussy, and I thought, hey, maybe this way Twon't get a ticket. (Clock ticks) ‘WANDA: (‘ary voice, telling a tragic turning point.) And Leonard said, ‘Wanda, you are a worthless piece of trash. And I said, don’t you think I know that? Do you think this is news? (Clock ticks.) wanpa: (Energized, telling a fascinating story.) And Howard said he ‘wanted me to kill his mother, and I said, “Are you crazy? I've never even met your mother” And he said, “All right, I'll introduce you.” (yin and mansita have closed their eyes, either asleep or pretending to be, wana looks over at them, suspicions) wanna: Are you asleep? Jim? Marsha? (wanna looks to sce if they're asleep. She shakes ther shoulders « bit, to see if she can wake them.) wanna: Jim? Marsha? You're not pretending to be asleep, are you? Jim? Marsha? (WANDA opens mansH’s eyelid with her finger) -MARSHA: Yes? WANDA'S VISIT 149 ‘WANDA: I was just checking if you were asleep. Mansa: Yes, Iam. Good night. Sleep well, WANDA: Good night. (WANDA takes her comforter and curls up at the bottom of their bed. ‘Then she pulls their blanket off them and onto her. yim doesn't notice, he’s asleep for real. MaRsuiA is startled. But gives up, what to do. Lights dim. (Clocks ticks Lights up for the morning. wanna sound asleep. yim and MARSHA twake up, and abneptly leave the bedroom for the dining room area.) MaRsHA: You know, she doesn't snore, I'm really surprised. yim: Want some coffee? arsHa: I think I'd like some heroin. JIM: Maybe Wanda has some connections. MaRSHA: I’m sure she does. Oh God, why did she sleep on out bed? She seemed like some insane nightmare Golden Retriever. jim: Now I feel sorry for her. marsita: Well, good for you. Was she always this way? JM: Well, she was always vivacious. MARsHA: I see. High school prom queen. Girl Most Likely to Get Herpes.150 Christopher Durang mt: Lots of people get herpes. Mansa: Yes, but they don't talk about it for three hours. sit: Why are you so hostile to her? (Not meaning to say this) Is it because she’s attracted to me? Mansuta: (Not expecting to hear that.) Yes. (MARSHA goes off to the kitchen.) Jin: Are you getting coffee? (otarsiia reenter: with two coffee mugs, one of which she kind of shoves at.) ‘marsi: And are you attracted to her? yim: Now come on, Marsha, she’s an emotional mess. Mansnia: You're putting up with it very patiently. Why is that? sim: Well, that's because ... I feel sympathy for her. She's some~ cone I knew once who had a life, and look what's happened to her. -MARSHA: She's attracted to you. sim: Now don’t make a big thing out of it, It’s just slightly inter- esting for me, that’s all. sansa: Well, fine. I understand. I think I'I make a trip to the nearest loony bin and find some mental patient who finds ime attractive. Then I'll bring him home and make you suf- fer through a forty-eight-hour visit while he drools on the carpet. ‘WANDA’s VISIT 1st JIM: Oh, come on, stop making such a big deal about allthis. Ie no big deal .. its just... well, haven't you ever found it kind of exciting if someone finds you attractive? Magsua: I've forgotten. (Stars to leave.) I'm going to the A&P. I have to get out of here, (aarsHa grabs a purse and exits.) gnc Don’t be mad, (3104 sighs. With his coffee he walks after her, but WANDA, stirring on the bed, hears him) ‘wanpa: Is that life out there? iM: You awake? (s1Mt comes back into the bedroom area, holding his coffee mug.) wanna: Do I smell coffee? Ob, thanks, Jimbo. (WANDA takes Jus coffe, thinking it's for her.) Uh, Hove this. You're like a lit~ tle house slave. I knew I should've married you. Where's ‘Marsha? Did she wake up dead or anything? JIM No, she went to the A&P. WANDA: That’ terrible of me to say. I don’t want her dead. I'm. Jjust teasing ‘cause I’m jealous of what she has. Jim: Oh, I’m not so special. WANDA: Oh, Jimbo, you are. (WANDA starts to get up, then shows @ grimace of pain. A bit flirtatious.) Ul. I’ve slept wrong on my back, I think. You know, a tense muscle or something. ‘TIM: (Thinking to himself is this code?) Oh. Your back is sore? Um, T'm nota professional masseur, but do you want me to rub it? wana: Oh, would you?152 Christopher Durang (wana pretty much flops over in deligh back, sort of in the center) 1M starts to massage her waNpa: Its the lower back, Jimbo. yim: Ob. Okay. (He starts to massage her lower back.) wanna: Ub. Yes. Ob, yes. Oh, yes. Ohbhhhhh. Ubbhbbhhh. (wansita comes back in the house, holding the purse and car keys. She stops and hears WANDA’S moaning. She marches into the bedroom, finds ‘TIM and WANDA in the midst of their orgasmic Back rubs) Mansa: I'm back, if anybody cares. jum: (Really jumps) Ob, Marsha. 1 didn't hear the car. maxsua: I don't blame you. It was very noisy here. jim: I'm... giving Wanda... that is, her back hurts WANDA: He gives the most wonderful back rub. ‘maastta: I’m so pleased to hear it. Do you need the number of a back specialist, perhaps? I could call my doctor. If you ean’ walk, we can arrange for an ambulance to take you there. JM: Now, Marsha, please, it} really quite innocent. wanpa: Hey, Marsha, really—I know he's your guy. (To ju.) You're her guy, Jimbo. (To MARSHA.) It$ just my back hurt. Mansi: Yes, I follow what you say. Probably tension in the lower back. I have a tension headache in the back of my head today, it feels like it might split open. I think I'll go lie down. In the guest room that you never got to. (Starts to leave) ‘WANDA'S VISIT . 153 Jimbo, when you finish with her back, the car has 2 flat tire ‘on the corner of Pleasantview and Maple. T thought you might do something about that. Jim: Oh, I'll go now. Marsiia: No, finish the back rub. You've convinced me it’s innocent, so finish it. (MARSHA walks out. JIM and WANDA look at each other uncorsfort- ably) WANDA: Well, she said to finish it. yum: | don't feel comfortable with her in the house. ‘wanpa: Look, she said it was fine, let's take her at her word, (yim looks dubious and touches her back lightly. At the merest touch, WANDA starts fo moar loudly again.) uM: (Stopping the back rub) Can't you be more quiet? wanna: It feels so good. Biv: Look, thats enough. I'm gonna go deal with the flat tire. wanpa: Can I come? yi: Why don't you .... soak in the bathtub for your back? ‘wawpa: All right. Thank you for the back rub, Jimbo. (Gets up; calls after where MARSHA went) Marsha? Do you have any bub- ble bath? (arsia comes back.)154 Christopher Durang ‘MARSHA: What? wanna: Do you have any bubble bath? Jim won't continue with the back rub, and I need to relax. ansia: The back rub ....1.... what was the question? Jim: Bubble bath, Do we have some? Masia: Yes, I’m sure we do. Maybe Jim would like to pour it on you in the bathtub, JIM: Marsha, Please. waNDA: Oooh, kinky. (Lowdly.) Hey! [ have an idea! Why don't I cook dinner for you guys tonight? Do you like octopus? Mansia: Thank you, Wanda, no. I thought we'd go to a restau- rant tonight. The walls in this house are starting to vibrate. wanpa: They are? Mastia: Yes. So we'll go to a nice, soothing restaurant where they will take care of us, All right? wanpa: Sure! Fine by me. (Lights change, Maybe lovely classical music to change the mood. 32m, MARSHA, and WANDA sit atthe table, ‘The WAITER comes out and puts a tastefidl flower arrangement on the table, turning it into the restaurant.) waNpa: This is such a pretty restaurant. The music is so classical warter: Enjoy your meal wanpa’s visit 155 jim: Thank you. (WArTER exits, WANDA and jiM mime eating from their plates) ‘wana; Ohhh, I think I know someone. (Waves, calls out to imag- inary table.) Hii, there! Oh, no, I don’t know them. (Calls out again.) Never mind! I thought you were my gynecologist. Maxsita: You thought he'd be up here? wanpa: Well, he travels a lot. He also sells encyclopedias. (warren reenters with a tray of wineglasses. He gives each person a twineglass, WANDA I ‘waiter: And here is your wine. wanpa: They didn't have Kool-Aid? ‘warren: White Zinfandel was the closest we could get, madam, WANDA: Well, all right. (7b ansita and yi.) Here's mud in your eye. (Boeryone drinks. All of them finish their drinks in several quick gulps. ‘The WAITER starts to leave.) JIM: Waiter! (Signals to warren for another round. The warren nods and exits) wana: I can't believe they didn’t have octopus. Its a delicacy. sim: (Referring to their plates) Well, the trout’s pretty good. ‘WANDA: Yeah, but they put nuts on it or something,156 Christopher Durang yim: Well, eat around them maybe. wana: You know, Jim, tomorrow we should get out the old yearbook. You know, Marsha, you wouldn't believe how dashing he was back then. (To j1™.) Not that you're not now, of course. Jim: You're sure a shot for my ego. MansHA: Ti like to shoot your ego. yim: What? Mansi: Nothing. Go back to talking about high school. 'l wry to achieve a Zen state. (Clases her eyes, puts her arms lose by her side, tries to relax her body) Jia I... [wonder where the waiter is with the drinks. Mansiia: (With eyes dosed; chant-like) Tam sitting by a tree, and there's a lovely breeze. waNbA: This restaurant is so adorable. This whole town. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking of maybe moving up here to the country with you all, finding a little house to rent. Nothing’s happening in my life right now; this might be just the change I might need. (The warreR arrives with three more glasses of wine, which he passes ‘out to them. MARSEA’S eyes are apen ag ‘pretty much blew her attempt at a Zen state.) wanpa: I'm almost through with my facial surgery. I've had everything done on my face except my nose. I kept that the same. sim: You're right. I recognize your nose now. Yes. WANDA’s VISIT 157 warren: Will there be anything else? ‘wana: What? Done to my face? ‘water: Anything else I can do for you at the restaurant? JiM: We wanted three more glasses of wine. warren: I just brought them. yim: Oh, So you did. Well, thank you, (The warrer leaves. WANDA starts to eat her fish.) MARSHA: So you're going to move up here, are you? Going to sweep up and stick your feet in the ground and root yourself in our “little neck of the woods,” are you? yim: Marsha, we don't own this area. Manstia: I feel differently. (To wana.) I don’t want you moving, here, is that clear? I don’t want you invading my life with your endless ravings anyniore, is chat clear? (The WAITER returns. WANDA keeps eating, seemingly just listening 10 whats being said, finding it interesting rather thar upsetting) warren: Is everything all right? asta: No, everything is not all right, this woman is trying to invade my life, and this man is too stupid to see it and hide from her, (Yo Jtw.) Don’t you realize she's insane? yim: Marsha, could we just finish dinner, please? MarsHia: No, I'd like the check.158 Christopher Durang warrer: Are you unhappy with your fish? Mansi: I'm very unhappy with it, It has too many bones in it. (Almost on cue, WANDA starts choking on a bone. She gasps and chokes. JIM, MARSHA, and the WAITER look at her, shocked for a moment.) JiM: Shouldn't one of us do the Heimlich maneuver? ‘MARSHA: I don’t want to do it, I don’t like her. (sana looks startled, even in the midst of her choking. She keeps choking and pointing to her throat. JIM: Marsha! (6 WAITER.) Can you do it? warner: I you do it? n't know how to do it yet. It’s my first day. Can't nM: Oh, very well. (110 gets up and gets the choking WANDA to stand. He stands behind hher and then, not sure what to do, puts his arms under her arms, and locks his hands behind her neck: That is, he puts her in a half nelson, and keeps jerking her head forward with his hands, hopefully, as if this should fice her choking.) -MARSHA: (After a second.) Oh, for God’s sake. (marstia gets up, pushes jim away. She stands behind WANDA, puts hher arms around waNDa’s lower stomach and then rather violently and suddenly pulls her hands into wana’ lower stomach. This does the trick. WANDA spits out the bit of fish and bone, and starts 10 breathe again. WANDA sits back down, exhausted.) WANDA’S VISIT 159 wanna: Oh, thank God, I thought I was a goner. (Suddenly into the restaurant burst TWO MEN with handkerchief ted around their mouths, and carrying guns. They aim their guns at every- ‘one but make straight for WANDA.) aN: There she is! wana: Oh my God, they've found me! (The mex grab her and, pointing the guns at everyone else, drag WANDA out of the restaurant.) wanpa: (Being dragged or carried out.) Ob, God, it’s the kingpin. Help me! Jim! Jim! warrer: The next day at the restaurant was considerably less ‘intense, and eventually as time went on, I was made head- waiter. For a while I liked the added responsibility and the additional money, but after a while, I realized I wasn't doing, ‘what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be an actor. But then the story isn’t really about me. (Hurnbly, the warren exits, JIM and MARSH look confused by the warteR’s behavior, and now ‘adress the audience themselves again. ‘They also straighten the set « bit while they talk, so that it resembles their house as it was at the beg160 Christopher Durang JIM: (To audience.) Well, all that happened a few weeks ago. ‘Wanda hasn't been found yet, but she’s probably fine. Mansa: I feel guilty about what happened. I wasn't a good hostess. sim: Now, honey, shes probably fine. Wanda's sort of like a bac teria—wherever she is, she seems to grow and go on and on just fine, so you shouldn't feel bad. MansHA: Yes, but right before Wanda started to choke on the fish bone, Ihad this momentary, stray thought of wishing she would choke on a fish bone. And then sudderily she did. I know it's not logical, but on some level, I feel I tried to kill her. And then thugs came and carried her away. I mean, in a way, it's just what I wanted. Jim: Now, Marsha, you're not responsible for what happened. Mansi: I chose the restaurant. Jim: Now, Marsha. You're not omnipotent. Besides, awful things are always happening to Wanda. She’ like a magnet for trou- ble. Mansi: (Tb the audience.) Well, it was just the most awfal two days, Three days, counting meeting with the police. Ji: But some good came out of it. mans: Yes. We had a big argument, and chat was good. sim: Te cleared the air. MaRSHA: I said what I was feeling, and it was mostly negative, but it was good to say it WANDa’s VISIT 161 Jia: Ie cleared the air, arst#a: And one of the things I said was that we don't feel joy enough. Or hardly at all. Jin: Right, We don’t feel joy much. So we joined an aerobics class. masta: To get the blood moving. ... When you move around, you tend to feel better Jim: And we'te going to a marriage counselor who specializes in. breaking down fear of intimacy in people who've known one another for over ten years... Mansiia: And, of course, we fit that. And all told, I guess ‘Wanda's visit helped to stir us up in a good way, all told. gine: Right. ‘anstia: Blessings come in unexpected ways. gir: Right Marstia: Now if only we were happy. gum: Right. (They look at each other. Then they look out at the audience. Some fiendly, possibly optimistic music plays. Lights dim on 1m and Man- HA.) END OF PLAY