Cast of Characters: RENEE, an anorexic high-school girl PATTY, her best friend, a bulimic high-school girl JEANINE, another anorexic high-school girl, recently sprung from a Body Image Clinic THE BRADLEY, a high-school hunk; also plays: PABLO, a Latino bag boy MARCEL, a Barney's salesman DENNIS, a high-school boy, McDonald's employee (o/s voice) a3 MONIQUE, the reigning anorexic, a dying high-school gitl; also plays: MILA, an African-American woman, works at David's Cookies x JANE, Monique's grieving mother MRS. BLUE, a high-school drama teacher GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, a hippy and hippie-ish middle- aged woman, she is given to wearing organic cotton and chunky Third World Jewelry. She is eager to prove that she knows your name and really cares, TRIBUNAL, a chorus of dead Dianas ‘Note: The roles can be cast separately when large casts are available funeral (open casket) grocery store (shopping © funeral reception (buffet store (counter) McDonald's drive-thru (Ronald face microphone) car (two chairs/steering wheel) Jeanine’s house (two urns) Dialogue Note When dialogue appears in brackets, feel free to update the cultural reference. Production Notes ‘The scenes with Pablo and the Guidance Counselor are optional.Acknowledgements Schoolgirl Figure wi cago in 2000, with d produced at the Goodman Theatre in Chi- lowing cast and staff: thuyler Grant ‘Shaughnessy PATTY seo MONIQUE, MI JANE, MRS. BLUE _.Stephnie Weir ‘THE BRADLEY, PABLO, ‘MARCEL, DENN! . Benjamin Sprunger JEANINE.... snoeMegan Kellie Lighting Design. Sound Design. Production Stage fay Nardelli ly Osgood All production groups performing this play are required to include the following credits in all advertising of half page or larger, and on the title page of every program, ina font size no less than 25% the size of that used for the pI Schoolgirl Figure was first produced by ‘The Goodman Theatre, Chicago on April 10, 2000 “Artistic Director Robert Falls, Executive Director Roche Schulfer SCHOOLGIRL FIGURE by Wendy MacLeod (In the dark toe hear a triad of teenage girls’ voices chant) ‘TRIBUNAL. If you defy The Teen Tribunal Of condiments and casseroles ‘Where girls in acid-washed grow old In grown-out perms and women’s sizes Where sagging breasts have no reprises ‘burnt skin age spots and falls emble us at all yourself in magazines tract the heen dream Beyond an eight is beyond the pale Banish-ed banished she who fails. 1 corridor. RENEE and PATTY stand room door. There is the occasional RENEE. What's the hold up? How long does it take these girls to spew? PATTY. It's the after lunch rush hour. RENEE. Why don't you just spew at the hospital? There won't be a line there. PATTY. léI wait any longer, Il digest. RENEE. All this standing. I'm getting tired. PATTY. What is your body supposed to live off of? RENEE. I'm heavier than I look. If you saw me without my clothes... 78 Wendy MacLeod Segoe neces eC see sce ee eee PATTY. I see you without your clothes all the time. You weigh yourself naked four times a day. RENEE. I'm trying to get an accurate reading. PATTY. All J ever see is bones. RENEE, You're sweet. PATTY. It doesn’t look good, Renee... RENEE. And don’tstart on Marilyn Monroe again, whatever you do. PATTY. She was a. PATTY/ RENEE. Size 12! RENEE, { know. Marilyn Monroe was JELL-O on springs. It was a different, slothful time. This is the millennium. We can’t be all post- war. Yo Princess Dianas PATTY. You were a twelve before we came to this school... RENE. | was a Jarge ten! I had glands PATTY. You didn't have glands, you were naturally a twelve. RENEE. And what is so great about nature? Nature is a fiend. Ticks, tornados, and malatia are “natural.” I mean, don’t go all crunchy on me. I swear every day is Earth Day with you around. PATTY. Just because I put my soda can in the recycling bin... RENEE. It was fatical. Come on, we've got to get to the hospital before Monique buys the farm. PATTY. | can’t miss sixth period, I have a Biology test. RENEE. Would you stop? What a schoolgit! PATTY. Don’t you think Monique dying is kind of sad? RENEE. Why? Look at the Carpenter. She's famous. PATTY. Yeah, but she was famous for doing something. RENEE. Rainy Days and Mondays. Please. PATTY. Monique's not gonna be famous. [mean she's the third one at this school alone. Schoolgirl Figure 9 RENEE. The first one was really sad. You remember Andrea’s funeral? ‘We all cried so much. PATTY. (Correct (Toilet flush.) RENEE. We have to get to the hospital before Jeanine. PATTY. Idon’t know why you think Monique is gonna leave you for The Bradley ‘the pronunciation:) Andrea. RENEE It's in the by-laws. In case ofa tie the reigning Carpenter can choose her successor. PATTY. Jeanine is her best friend. What makes you think she won't choose her? RENEE. Solidarity. Jeanine isn't a true Carpenter. She's an obsessive exerciser. She went crazy when she couldn't figure out how to exercise her head. PATTY. Is that why she talks that way? RENEE. Yeah. Too much group therapy. PATTY. Can’t we go to the hospital after school? RENEE. I have to be there for Monique now. In her hour of need. PATTY. Asif. “ RENEE, Don’t be all... can be nice. PATTY. When? RENEE. I also want to be there for The Bradley. Whai, he doesn’t deserve comfort just cause he’s gorgeous? PATTY. He doesn't even know you. RENEE. That can only help. PATTY. The Bradley must be getting tired of his girlfriends croaking. RENEE. It's every man’s fantasy. Rotating women without ever having to break up. Dead gi Who's going to say no toa guy with a dead girlfriend?10 ‘Wendy MacLeod PATTY. Have you ever talked to him? RENEE. Why? PATTY. Is he smart? RENEE, Smart? PATTY. I mean, what's he like? RENEE. (Impatient:) He's The Bradley. PATTY. You know what Tricia said? She said maybe The Bradley isn't that great. RENEE. Just because there's no chance in hell for that fat little hen. After the monthly weigh-in, Tricia’s gone! PATTY. They'll really send her away? RENEE. Ten and over. Gone! They divvy up her clothes. Talk about a tent sale, PATTY. Who made up the by-laws? Where did they come from? RENEE. Who knows? My mother lived on Melba Toast, Her Nana bound her breasts. They’ve always been there. Likecelery and Seconal. Speaking of by-laws, Patty, you're still looking a little double-digitand you know the rules. Beyond an eights beyond the pale. PATTY. All I've got to do is balance out my binges and purges. RENEE. Well you're on probation. You've got a week to lose five pounds. Err on the side of purge. (RENEE shoves PATTY through the door for her turn and follows her in iush. PATTY emerges from the wings pushing RENEE in a wheelchair. They cross the stage talking.) PATTY. These wheelchairs are for the patients. RENEE. Well they shouldn’t leave them in the hallway then. PATTY. Now don't say anything about her dying. RENEE. Why not? PATTY. It might upset her. Schoolgirl Figure n eee RENEE. A Carpenter aspires to death and decay. It's the ultimate weight loss plan. I wouldn't expect a Diana to understand. We're Sparta, you're Rome. (MONIQUE lies on a hospital gurney, Solicitous) PATTY. Your room is really nice. It’s so...clean. RENEE. [love the rubber lining on the curtains! PATTY. I love the bendy straws! RENEE I love the hyperalimentation tubes! PATTY. Hyperalimentation? What's that? RENEE, That's when they get all hyper about feeding you. She's being force fed. It’s total fascism. I really ought to yank ‘em out. PATTY, Don't! RENEE. Well, how would you like to be force fed?! PATTY. I'd love it. RENEE, They don’t let even let you go to the bathroom by yourself here. They're afraid you're gonna spew. PATTY. Wow. RENEE. And they lock up all the drawers so you can't hide your dinner tray. Look. A dinner roll. Under her pillow. Honestly, Monique, its the first place they'll look PATTY. We brought you magazines. RENEE. Sassy, Seventeen, Self, Vogue, Elle, Glamour, Mirabella, Svelte, Slim, Thin, Reedy and Concave. PATTY. You probably read them already. RENEE. You probably did. How stupid are we? PATTY. You probably have subscriptions.2 Wendy MacLeod RENEE. (Sotto voce:) Look at her. We're talking single issues, Off the news stand. PATTY. Shh, (MONIQUE points to her eyes and shakes her head) What? Why is she pe RENEE. No mascara? PATTY. You look fine. RENEE. A ting to her eyes? le cyanotic... PATTY. A little cyanotic, but fine. (MONIQUE shakes her head. Points to her eyes) 1 get it! She wants Visine! (MONIQUE shakes her head. She closes her eyes and gropes like a blind person.) RENEE. No she doesn’t, she lost a contact. (MONIQUE shakes her head no and gropes sone nore.) PATTY. Oh my God. She's blind, RENEE. This is just like that play you were in, about the lesbians! PATTY. The Miracle Worker? RENEE. Why can’t she talk? In the movies starving people talk. They discuss which one of them is going to be eaten. PATTY. She probably has to conserve her energy. RENEE. For what? PATTY. Maybe she's sedated. RENEE, Like the anorexics are gonna bust up the joint. PATTY. Maybe she freaked out about the tube. RENEE. I'd freak out about the tubes. they’re making you fly the Enola Gay. PATTY. Renee? you're a Quaker and Schoolgirl Figure B RENEE. know about Quakers! PATTY. She's pointing to the magazine. RENEE. Read to her Patty. PATTY. (Rending from magazine:) When choosing a bathing suit, it’s important to maximize your plusses while playing down your mi- ruses. Thunder thighs? Don’t despair! Look at a skirted bottom... MONIQUE. I wish... PATTY. What? MONIQUE. | wish. RENEE. What? MONIQUE. I wish... RENEE. Read that sentence again. PATTY. When choosing a bathing suit... (MONIQUE makes a sharp noise.) It’s the bathing suit. She wishes she could wear a bathing suit again! (MONIQUE yelps.) RENEE. You looked SO good in a bathing suit, didn’t she Patty?. PATTY. SO good. RENEE. Like the way your hip bones jutted out. PATTY. She couldn'teven lie on the concrete, remember that? She had to bring a chaise lounge. RENEE, And those little sternum ripples and the COLLARBONTS. PATTY. Oh my God, you had the BEST collarbones. RENEE. THE best collarbones. And every vertebra on your spine was s0 distinct. PATTY. And you tanned so evenly4 Wendy MacLeod RENEE. Monique, we don’t want you to tire yourself out, or come any closer to expiration, but we were just wondering whether you've given any thought to naming a successor... PATTY. Renee, not now... RENEE. | took the liberty of drawing up a deed to The Bradley. You see, Jeanine and I are both fours. (MONIQUE gasps.) T know that must seem HUGE to you. I mean you got down to the Asian sizes. You were shopping in the children’s department, and if you have any weight loss secrets, any at all, | do hope you'll share them because Bradley or no, I'm not gonna stop at four... MONIQUE. Don't... RENEE, What? PATTY. She doesn’t want to talk... RENEE. She's trying to tell us something! MONIQUE. Don't... PATTY. Renee. RENEE. Shut up! (MONIQUE doesn’t say anything.) Not you, Monique. MONIQUE. Don't forget... PATTY. She doesn't want us to forget her. MONIQUE. Don't forget... PATTY. We won't! (MONIQUE shakes ler head.) MONIQUE. Don't forget your... RENEE. What? What is it? MONIQUE. Don’t forget your waters. Schoolgirt Figure 15 (MONIQUE expires.) PATTY. She's gone. RENEE. Damn. (RENEE sticks a pen in MONIQUE's hand and tries to make it sign the form.) PATTY. Renee! Stop that! RENEE. It didn’t work anyway. It doesn’t look like a signature, it looks like a prescription. Come on, let's go. PATTY. Renee. RENEE. What? PATTY. She's dend. RENEE. So? PATTY. We can’t just walk out RENEE. What are we gonna do? Embalm her? PATTY. We should close her eyes or something, RENEE. Go ahead. PATTY. | don’t want to touch a dead girl! RENEE. We have to tell The Bradley. Console him. PATTY. I'm gonna pull the blanket up. RENEE. Whatever. Wait. PATTY. What? RENEE. That's a cute necklace. (PATTY slaps her hand.) (Ow! Like she’s gonna know the difference. PATTY. The Bradley probably gave it to her. just say she gave it to me, Damn. I can’t get the clasp16 Wendy MacLeod you a necklace. RENEE. I've never seen a necklace like this. PATTY. My God Renee, her body's still warm! RENEE. (Touching MONIQUE) Tepid. (RENEE yanks the necklace.) There. (MONIQUE makes a final cry and collapses. The machines flattine and beep.) PATTY. Oh my God you strangled her! RENEE. You can’t strangle a corpse! PATTY. She wasn't dead yet! She just made a noise! RENEE. That was a death rattle, Didn’t you read How We Die? PATTY. No. Did you? RENEE. I read the book jacket. 1 was looking for tips. PATTY. Renee! RENEE. Look, if she wasn’t dead then, she is now. PATTY. How can we be sure? RENEE. Look (RENEE shakes her and she’s all floppy.) PATTY. Stop that! RENEE. Why? She's a corpse! PATTY. You have to treat a body with respect. RENEE. | have total respect for Monique. But it’s time to look to the future. PATTY. She was our friend. RENEE. Oh she was not. Schoolgin Figure 7 PATTY. She was our acquaintance! You were always talking about what an inspiration she wi RENEE. Look, make nev friends and lose the old, oneis silver and the other's gold. PATTY. But old friends are the ones who are gold. RENEE. No they're not, they're silver. PATTY. They are so gold. And gold is worth way more than silver! RENEE I can’t wear gold I'ma summer! PATTY. Would you be like this if I died? ce a horse. RENEE. You' PATTY. Well if you died would you like me to be all...(shakes ‘Montique.) RENEE. What I'd like you to do is cry. PATTY. I will. RENEE. Now. PATTY. Why? RENEE. The Brailey’s out there. We have to look in need of consola- tion. PATTY. lam in need of consolation. I'm on a total bummer. 3t gonna die, you eal ut me for once in your RENEE. Oh get over yourself and cry. ‘m not bummed over life. What kind of bitch will ¥ look like Monique's death? PATTY. A total bitch. RENEE See? PATTY. Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. RENEE, “Boo-hoo? Boo-hoo?” PATTY. Well I don’t know how to fake it. RENEE. Get your nose red and snotty.18 Wendy MacLeod PATTY. Are you going to get your nose red and snotty? RENEE. No, I'm going to catch my breath. ..ike this. RENEE. No, it will look totally fake, No two people cry the same way. PATTY, Well you take the snotty way. RENEE. Perhaps you didn’t understand what I said. The Bradley's out there. PATTY. Maybe we could make ourselves cry. By using The Method. Mrs. Blue showed us how in Drama class. RENEE, What method? PATTY. The acting Method. Like you think of really sad things. RENEE. J missed the Barney's after-Christmas sale when we were away. PATTY. That's not sad. RENEE. It was s0 sad. I've never missed the after-Christmas sale be- fore. | begged my mother to come back early but she wouldn't, There was like all this new powder and she wouldn't. By the time I got there it was like all picked over, and all that was left was the zeroes and the fourteens and the orange things. PATTY. That is not sad, mean think about Monique's parents. Her parents are gonna be really sad. RENEE. She's got a PATTY. Still She used to be thei RENEE. Babies are fat. PATTY. They're never gonna see her graduate from high-school or get married or. I mean, they have a spare, le baby. RENEE. Would you stop? You're totally depressing me. PATTY. I'm trying to make myself cry. (RENEE slaps her.) Owww. That hurt. RENEE. That's the Renee method, Schoolgirl Figure 19 (THE BRADLEY sits in ig rootn,) ‘There he is. Oh, The Bradley. BRADLEY. That's my name don’t wear it out. RENEE. Monica's gone. BRADLEY. Who? PATTY. Monique. BRADLEY. She was right there a minute ago. RENEE. No, gone gone. BRADLEY. Dead? RENEE. Way dead. Defunct. BRADLEY. Jesus. RENEE. You must be angry, BRADLEY. Why? RENEE. That's the first stage of grief. BRADLEY. Whatever. RENEE. Hold me. BRADLEY. Why? RENEE. Monique's defunct and I'm distraught. BRADLEY. Owww. What was that? RENEE. My hip bone. BRADLEY. I guess I should go tell Monique’s mom. She went to geta Mars bar. PATTY. Do you need any help? BRADLEY. Naw, I’m used to it. It's my third dead girlfriend. The mothers show you stuff. You know photo albums and booties and stuff20 Wendy MacLeod PATTY. Would you like to see her one last time? RENEE. Why would he want to see a corpse? PATTY. It was his gielfriend. RENEE. Was being the operative word. PATTY. Would you like to see her? BRADLEY. Naw, I'd sort of like to remember her how she was. Before she stopped menstru: period you lose you RENEE. You weren't getting any? BRADLEY. Naw. Not at the end. PATTY, But you stayed with her. BRADLEY. Well you know. I got to go find Mrs. Deveraux. (THE BRADLEY exits.) PATTY. He seemed kind of sad. RENEE, Oh he was not. It's not like she was sleeping with him. PATTY. Maybe he liked her company. RENEE. She was comatose. PATTY. Not quite. She talked. RENEE. She was blind and frigid. Some girlfriend. PATTY. She wasn't always like that. She used to decorate his locker before the big game. RENEE. What big game? PATTY. Oh some big game. Some team. Some sport. He wore a jacket with a letter on it and he gave it to her. And she wore it and smelled his smell and it was love. RENEE. Love had nothing to do with it. She was the thinnest. She earned him GEANINE enters.) Schoolgirl Figure a PATTY. Jeanine! RENEE. Jeanine, you look fabulous. PATTY. A little green... RENEE. A little green but fabulous, JEANINE. Oh my God, lappreciate the validation but my clothes are like hanging off me. PATTY. They look fine. JEANINE. Stop. These fours are huge. I'm gonna have to shop for twos. RENEE. You're a two? How did you becomea two? You havea sweet tooth! You have no willpower! JEANINE. I made peace with food. RENEE. Asif. JEANINE. | learned to love my body. RENEE, Who do you think you're talking to Jeanine? This is not the body image clinic! JEANINE. | got the flu. RENEE. The flu! The flu doesn't count! JEANINE. There's nothing about it in the by-laws. RENEE. How did you get the flu? JEANINE. Who knows? Pay phones, door handles... RENEE. Door handles? JEANINE. | licked them, How's Monique? RENEE. Who? JEANINE. Monique. Did she ask for me? I heard she was at death’s door. RENEE. She's nowhere near death’s door. She's still like three blocks away.2 Wendy MacLeod JEANINE. Then why’s she in the hospital? RENEE, For a nse job. JEANINE. Monique already had a nose job. RENEE. It didn’t work out, JEANINE. (Disappointed:) Oh. Is The Bradley here? RENEE, He had to go. He said to say hi JEANINE. The Bradley said to say hi? Maybe I should wait. RENEE. He said not to ws JEANINE. Oh. Well Iguess I'll head home then. I'm sti . just want sr my emotional support. After all, now that I'ma ‘two I’m next in line for The Bradley. GEANINE exits) RENEE. The flu! What a cheater! PATTY. There’s nothing in the by-laws about the flu not counting, RENEE. Does that seem fair to you? PATTY. Well what if you get the flu by accident? Are you supposed to lose the weight, put the weight back on, and then lose it again? RENEE. If you're an honorable anorexic, yes. PATTY. What's the worst that can happen? Jeanine will have him for awhile and then die and it will be your turn. RENEE. Oh it's all so simple to you, is PATTY. What'd I say? RENEE. First of all, she'd take forever to die, she’s made of that hearty peasant stock that survives sieges and famines, and second of all what if some skinny new girl moved here and cut in line? PATTY. There ought to be something about that in the by-laws. RENEE, Well there's not. Anyway I'm not temperamentally . I'm a Type A. I push the elevator button again and it? Schoolgirl Figure B Sse geese eee es ee een eee PATTY. Well what are you gonna do about it? Jeanine’s still the smallest RENEE. I have a plan PATTY. Does it involve violence? RENEE It involves chocolate. PATTY. Oh my God. (They exit. An awning unfurls that says DAVID’S COOKIES. PATTY and RENEE enter, RENEE on a motorized cart,) PATTY. Look where you're going Renee. You ran intoa stroller in the food court. That baby is going to need stitches. RENEE. Oh, babies always find something to cry about. PATTY. Let's wait in front of that fan that blows the cookie smell. RENEE, Are you crazy? There's airborne calories! PATTY. Wouldn’tit be weird if David were in the back baking cookies and he came out and we fell in love? RENEE. David who? PATTY. David. David of the Cookies. RENEE. Yeah, and Mrs. Fields could be your maid of honor. Not. PATTY. I mean who was David? They never show you a picture of David. RENEE. There is no David. PATTY. How do you know? RENEE. There is no anybody. Aunt Jemima. Betty Crocker. PATTY, There's an Ann Landers. RENEE. There's an Ann Landers factory. A bunch of little know- nothings answer those letters. “Seek counseling.” I could tell you that. PATTY, Maybe you should. RENEE. Maybe I should what?24 Wendy MacLeod PATTY. Seek counseling. RENEE. Why? So some fat woman wearing organic cotton can tell me Ihave body image problems? Well maybe I do. But 'd rather have that than body problems any day. PATTY. You should really think about the media’s role in this. RENEE. We're supposed to take a number. PATTY. I mean all the magazines have thin models, all the movies have thin actresses, RENEE. Who wants to look at fat models? Who wants to watch a bunch of flabby movie stars jiggling around? Of course the media has a role in this. Thank God. Somebody's upholding standards. PATTY. Which kind are you going to get? RENEE. The fattening kind. Where the hell is the cookie girl? PATTY. Are you going to have one? RENEE, Me? Asif, PATTY. Can have one? RENEE. The cookies are for Jeanine. PATTY. What if Jeanine doesn’t eat them? RENEE. She will. She has a thing for cookies. My brother worked at7- 11. and she was in there all the time making Pepperidge Farm runs. PATTY. That was me. RENEE. It was her too, Before she went anorexic. Hello?! PATTY. But she won't go up an entire size just from eating a bag of cookies. RENEE. Well it won't just be the cookies. She'll feel so ashamed she'll binge PATTY, What if she throws them all up? RENEE. She's not a spewer.I've seen her try. She has alazy gag reflex, PATTY. Some people just don’t have what it takes. Schoolgiel Figure 25 RENEE. We'll smear chocolate at the comer of our lips. We'll tell her we went on a total macadamia binge, Then she'll think she has a calorie cushion and she'll binge. PATTY. Wel gonna say I binged, why can’t I binge? RENEE. This is not about you. The whole world doesn’t revolve around you. It revolves around me. And Jeanine is in my way. is where you'd break into song, PATTY. If this were a musical, RENEE, Where'd you learn that? In Mrs. Blue's drama class? PATTY. Yeah. RENEE, Isn't she the one who said her husband liked her love han- dies? PATTY. Yeah. RENEE Stay far, far away from that woman. She's out of her mind. PATTY. She was in a class with Marlon Brando once. And they wete all like doing an improv and you had to guess what everybody was and he was doing the pom-pom on the tip of asultan’s slipper and he was such a good actor that everybody guessed! RENEE, Those classes are rotting your brain. PATTY. You should go to class. RENEE, I went to gym the day they had the caliper test! PATTY. That doesn't count! RENEE I was in my very own percentile. PATTY. You should go to the classes with books! RENEE. I don’t want my brain to get fat. Cmon, let's go to Mrs. Fields. MILA. Twelve! PATTY. They just called 12. RENEE, I'm not a 12!26 Wendy MacLeod PATTY. That's the number on your ticket. MILA. You twelve? RENEE. | don’t answer to twelve. Go get another ticket. Make it four or less. MILA. Girl, you holding a twelve. PATTY. It's not a twelve, see? It's a one and a two. MILA. You twelve? RENEE. It’s not a twelve. It's a one and a two. MILA, Unnhuh. Whatchoo want? RENEE, Which cookie has the highest fat content? MILA. They all got fat. RENEE. Wel MILA. We got a low fat muffin know that. [want the fat grams. RENEE. | don’t want a low fat anything. 1 want a cookie that will make you really fat. MILA. They all make you fat you eat enough of them. RENEE. May I see the nutritional breakdown? MILA. The what? RENEE. McDonald's provides a nutritional breakdown of all their foods. MILA. They all gonna make you fat. Now which one you want? RENEE, Well which ones have you been eating? MILA. Excuse me? RENEE. I mean which are your favorites? MILA. We not allowed to eat the cookies. Less they break. (MILA bangs a cookie RENEE. I'm simply asking which ones taste good. er fst and comps o Schoolgirl Figure a MILA. They all taste good fool. They cookies. RENEE Is there a discount if we buy in bulk? MILA. How many you buying? RENEE. | don’t know. A dozen? MILA. You wasting my time, girl. You gonna buy a damn dozen or not? RENEE, Do you offer a sampler? MILA. Yeah I offer sampler. 'm gonna throw this one in the bag, I'm gonna throw that one in the bag. I'm gonna throw twelve cookies in the damn bag RENEE, I thought fat people were supposed to be cheerful. MILA. 1 ain't fat. 'm a good-sized woman. I'm a powerful woman, I'ma woman gonna keep my man warm at night. PATTY. Wow. Self-esteem. RENEE. Complete and total denial PATTY. Whatever happened to the baker's dozen? MILA. You wanted a dozen, | gave you a dozen. Twelve. PATTY, You're supposed to give us thirteen. MILA. You want thirteen, I'll give you thirteen. PATTY. We're supposed to pay for twelve and then you give us thirteen, RENEE. Don't you give her that extra cookie. (Te PATTY:) You aren probation. MILA. Your friend hungry. She want a cookie. (MILA gives PATTY the cookie.) Girl, you look like you could use a cookie. Looks like you got that Carpenter thang. (PATTY eats the cookie) RENEE. What are you thinking? The walls have eyes.2B Wendy MacLeod (Sharp, sudden light change. PATTY and RENEE fill to their knees.) ‘TRIBUNAL. We the bonkable We the doable We the size 2-able ‘Question the cookies. PATTY. Oh, these cookies? They're not for us...they’re a gift! RENEE, For her mom! ‘TRIBUNAL. By daring to enter the House of David ‘You honored dessert before beauty The dark side of food is calories ‘And Patty's pants are not wedge-free, PATTY. They shrunk in the dryer! ‘TRIBUNAL. The wind should blow between your legs A keyhole of daylight we should see ‘With your thighs touching each other How dare you look at a cookie! PATTY. What do we do now? RENEE, Run fort. (Crossfade. JEANINE in a canopy bed.) RENEE. So we got like two dozen cookies at David's Cookies and just like pigged out in the smoking court, I mean we were like picking the chips off the butt-filled ground and licking our shirts where the crumbs landed, and then we were so parched we marched right into the cafeteria and took a gallon of milk from the cooler and just chugged it, whole milk, not even skim, and then we thought, we cannot eat any more cookies or we'll die of nausea and be on a sugar high through Labor Day and we thought who would help us eat the rest of these cookies, and we thought of you, since my God, you just hhad that terrible flu and have to get your strength back. Schoolgirl Figure 2 JEANINE. What I hear you saying is that you thought of me, which is really sweet, but I don’t know about the cookies, you guys, I'm a two now. I'm next in line for The Bradley. RENEE. Like one or two cookies is going to make you go up a size. JEANINE. Chocolate chip cookies are an issue for me. They are the digest red light food imaginable. If leat one, leat twenty, and then 1 eat everything in sight. RENEE. You do not! JEANINE. Swear! RENEE. Jeanine if anyone deserves a little reward, it’s you. JEANINE. Yeah, but nothing tastes as good as thin feels. RENEE. Yes, it does, it so does. Patty, weren't those cookies amazing? PATTY. Oh...yeah. RENEE, Tell Jeanine how amazing they were. PATTY. They were really...gooey. RENEE. Gooey, that’s the word for them, they weren't like those slightly stale ones, you know those damp sort of cookies that taste like ‘everything tastes when you go to your beach house... JEANINE. Oh my God, I hate those! RENEE. Anyway, Jeanine, 'm your closest competition, and if Ijust ate a dozen cookies, you don’t have to worry about eating one... JEANINE. This is probably about me and my trust issues, but I can't help feeling that you're trying to spoil my chance at The Bradley... RENEE. As iff It’s all a moot point until Monique dies anyway. And ‘we were just over there and it was like a rave, she was playing her tunes and dancing like a crazy person. She is nowhere near giving up the ghost. Is she Patty? PATTY. She was really...talkative. RENEE. Oh my God, we couldn't shut her up! She was like “don’t forget your waters,” and “I miss wearing bathing suits,” and “read me the June Vogue!”30 Wendy MacLeod ee JEANINE. Why did she want you to read it to her? RENEE. You know Monique, she’s like the queen, ri the handmaidens, I mean Monique has gotten so she's been the Bradley-Girl. JEANINE. I know it, Just because she got a gurney. RENEE. Just because she’s got an IV drip. JEANINE. Oh. That necklace is so cute. I really respect your choice of that necklace. RENEE. Oh my God. Thanks. It's new. que had one like that, I remember it lying on her tand we're like of control since RENEE. She gave it to me. JEANINE. How come? RENEE, She felt bad cause she was nowhere near dying, I mean we'll probably all graduate before she dies. JEANINE, What a waste of Bradley. RENEE. A total waste of Bradley. JEANINE. Do they have nuts? RENEE. Macadamia. JEANINE. Oh my God. I wonder if my stomach is up to this. [hope it doesn’t make me throw up. RENEE. You can't throw up! JEANINE. What do you mean? RENEE. | mean, you have been so sick you just have to be over this. JEANINE. I know. Thaven't washed my hair for like six hours. RENEE. You deserve this. JEANINE. | so deserve this. EANINE tnkes a bite of cookie.) Schoolgirl Figure 3 eee reese Ce eEee eas eo veteeLeeeeCeeeeeE Eso RENEE. Amazing? JEANINE. It is so good. It's like when you haven't eaten for awhile you can taste everything, the sugar, and the butter, and the choco- late, RENEE. 1'l] just leave the bag. JEANINE. I'm not comfortable with that! RENEE. There is a grease spot on the side of the bag. It get on my clothes, JEANINE. Patty you take it. PATTY. Thanks. RENEE. Oh my God, Patty had even more than I lergic to chocolate. She's about to break out in hives a JEANINE. How many are left? RENEE. Like two. Can we use your bathroom? JEANINE. Time to spew? RENEE. You know Patty. Total Diana. (Crossfade to bathroom.) RENEE. What's the matter with you? Taking the rest of the cookies! PATTY. | didn't! RENEE. Only because I stopped you! Does the word probation mean anything to you? They're watching you! PATTY. I was hungry! RENEE, We're trying to get her fat, remember? PATTY. What are you doing? RENEE. }'m resetting her scale to give her a false sense of security. PATTY. She probably weighed herself this morning. RENEE. I'm going to be subtle. I'm going to make it five pounds light. ‘Then she'll definitely eat the rest of those cookies.2 Wendy MacLeod (RENEE strips off her clothes.) PATTY. Here? RENEE. I want to weigh myself PATTY. You already weighed yourself after gym. - RENEE. [ may have lost. PATTY. But the scale’s not accurate anymore. just add the five pounds. Oh my God. PATTY. What? RENEE, I've gained! |hate my breasts! They must weight five pounds at least. PATTY. I don’t think so. Not anymore. RENEE. Oh my God, Patty. You always know just what to say. PATTY. Why don't you take off your rings? ‘They're huge. Here. (Looking at numbers:) That's PATTY. I weighed myself this morning. RENEE. You need confirmation. PATTY. I'm going to be heavy cause I have a full bladder. RENEE. Well pee firs. PATTY. Why bother, RENEE. Why bother? Why bother? You've got a weigh-in coming, Missy. And you’ ve ballooned up to five pounds over the weight limit! PATTY. I get hungry. RENEE. Just think about something else. Think about books. Or art or something. PATTY. Do you remember the Rubens paintings we saw in art class? RI this is why I don’t go to class. Those women were beyond disgusting. He must have gone to some trailer park to find models. Schoolgirl Figure 8 PATTY. There weren't any trailer parks then. RENEE. There were hovels. Where fat people lived. Look, if you want to stay at this school you've st get back to a respectable eight. The Tribunal was merciful last time. You don’t get a second warning. PATTY. I don’t want to get on the scale. Ihave to pee and I'm wearing denim. RENEE. Then take off your clothes like a sane person. (Beat.) You'd better touch up your make-up. It got spewed after lunch. PATTY. Can I borrow your lipstick? RENEE. Did you do your lipliner? PATTY. No. RENEE. Patty! The lipstick is going to bleed all over the place! PATTY. [know but like sometimes, the lipstick goes away and the lip liner stays there and I look like a new coloring book. RENEE. Who worked at the Estée Lauder counter? Do the burnt ‘cinnamon. You wear that pink you'll look like a candystriper. PATTY. [ was a candystriper. RENEE. You are the only person 1 know who could get fired froma volunteer job. PATTY. I stole the amphetamines for you. RENEE. They were inferior pharmaceuticals. They made my eyeballs shake. PATTY. I had to give the dress back. RENEE, Just as well. Dirndls are death. Speaking of which we have to buy something black for Monique's funeral. PATTY. I already have a black dress, from Andrea’s funeral. And Sarah's,au Wendy MacLeod RENEE. This isa fabulous excuse to buy a dress in that most slimming of color! PATTY. lalready spent my clothing allowance. RENEE. We'll just buy it and take it back tomorrow. PATTY. They'll know we wore it. The tags will be off. RENEE. Not necessarily.) keep anything because by the following week I need a smaller: like recycling, only fashionable. PATTY. Don't drink from that. I's Jeanine’s glass, RENEE. You think? (RENEE chugs a glass of water.) PATTY. If you want to throw up just doa Diana. RENEE. This is better. The flu is all purge, no binge. Come on, let's go to the mall. Flush. PATTY. There's no! RENEE. Duh. We just have to suggest a spew. PATTY, What about Jeanine? RENEE. She'll never notice we've gone. She's alone in a room with a bag of cookies. (RENEE pushes PATTY offstage. They return with RENEE carrying 4n armful of dresses. RENEE is trying things on. PATTY is not.) RENEE. What's the matter? Couldn't you find anything? ng to flush. PATTY. I'm supposed to be doing my homework. RENEE. As if PATTY. My Mom really wants me to go to college. RENEE. College is a anorexic’s nightmare. There are keg parties and mashed potatoes and counselors who intervene. PATTY. There are counselors in high school. RENEE, Where? Schoolgint Figure 35 PATTY. Somewhere. There's an office. Look, you have to go tocollege if you want to be something. RENEE. Like what? PATTY. A doctor ora lawyer or something. RENEE. You a lawyer. “May I approach the bench?” (Puts her finger down her throat, makes a retching noise.) RENEE. I don’t know why you bother to go shopping if you're not ‘gonna perticipate. PATTY. Nothing's gonna fit me here. The racks are full of fours. RENEE. You used to be a size four. PATTY. That was for a day and a half after Thad five teeth extracted. forget it. Go home and read A Christmas RENEE. Oh forget Carol. PATTY. | already read it. RENEE. Why? PATTY. Didn't we have to read it? RENEE. I'm only going to say this once. Patty, you don’t have to do anything. PATTY. [ liked the story. RENEE. It was alright when everyone was starving, but when Mr. ‘Magoo showed up with that turkey I could have killed him. The way you suck up to that English teacher. Honestly. She's a cm. PATTY. Well she’s old. RENEE. That's no excuse. PATTY. She's really nice.36 Wendy MacLeod RENEE. Niceness is the refuge of the fat. Look at this. How great is this? PATTY. Really great RENEE. This dress screams Bradley girl. Ican’tjust sit in the audience ‘wearing this dress. I need the stage. : PATTY. Why don’t you do the eulogy? RENEE. You're a genius! PATTY. You hardly knew her! RENEE | felt very close to her! PATTY. You want to steal her boyfriend! RENEE. The Bradley does not belong to Monique, he belongs to the world. PATTY. You can’t just go up and do the eulogy, you have to be likea relative. RENEE. What do you suggest I do then? PATTY. Maybe you could be the bagpipe player. RENEE. You are so retarded. Plaids make melook fat. Anyway Thate that Loch Lomond thing. PATTY. My mother loves that song. I talk to Monique's mother. mall sad. [have a really great dress and nobody's going to sryone will see the big fat ruddy priest in his bathrobe but no RENEE. Don't go. I didn’t mean that thing about the priest. I love Priests. I save up calories to splurge on the little wafer. PATTY. Communion wafers don’t have calories. RENEE. What do you think they're made from? Schoolgirl Figure 7 ree PATTY. Jesus's body. RENEE. Bread dough! They should make them with olestra. We should write the Vatican. PATTY. Like the Vatican needs food tips from us. RENEE. Well fish on Friday was a really good idea, who do you suppose thought of that? PATTY. They do that because Jesus was a fisherman. RENEE. Well why don’t they eat fish every day then? Everybody eats nothing but meat! You'd think Jesus was a sancher. PATTY. Jesus was not a rancher! jesus, he's our patron saint. Look atany RENEE. I'm not harshing, crucifix. Ribs. He fasted all PATTY. Not to lose weight. RENEE. How do you know? PATTY. They wore those flowing robes. He didn’t have to worry about losing weight. RENEE, You think Mary Magdalene would go for a fatty? No way. PATTY. She wasn’t his girlfriend. RENEE. She washed his fect. PATTY. They were dirty! RENEE. And who would follow a fat God? Seriously. PATTY. What about The Buddha? RENEE. The Bradley? PATTY. The Buddha! RENEE. The guy on the incense? He wasn’t God! PATTY. You really ought to read some books, you know that? All you ever read is labels. RENEE, | read more than that!38 Wendy MacLeod PATTY. Yeah, catalogs! RENEE. And magazines! And if you read Vogue a little more faith- fully you would know that nobody’s [rolling their jeans up] anymore! Nobody! That's O-U-T, out! PATTY. You should give your money to charity instead of spending it on clothes all the time! it RENEE. I gave that guy a quarter! PATTY. Only when he threatened to piss on you. RENEE, You are so judgmental. Judge not lest ye be judged. PATTY. As if you don’t judge people...calling Tricia a capon. RENEE. | called her a fat little hen. PATTY. Juststop talking about people's bodies all the time. Who gave ‘you the right? RENEE. | earned the right! I deprived myself, why can’t they? PATTY. Later, Renee. RENEE. Go with me to Monique’s house. Please! PATTY. Why would Monique’s mother let you do the eulogy? PATTY. Isn’t she going to wonder why she never saw you before? RENEE, We were friends in Cyberspace! PATTY. You don't even know Monique's last name. RENEE. It begins with a “D.” PATTY. Whatever. RENEE. Whatever! PATTY. WHATEVER! RENEE, WHATEVER! Schoolgirl Figure o (Beat) RENEE, (Boby-talk pig latin) Attypay! PATTY. Eneeray! RENEE. Who da wittle attypay yelling at me for? PATTY, | am so orry-say. You are my best iend-fray. RENEE, Eneeray lovey you so much. Give her wiggle wiggle hug. (They hug.) PATTY. Oww! RENEE. What? PATTY. Your hipbone. RENEE. Did you hear something? TRIBUNAL. We see that you have found a dress A size four, we're impressed Weren't you able to shed the few? RENEE. Of course Patty bought a dress. We're shipping it. PATTY. It’s for your funeral Monique! TRIBUNAL. Do not address a we as me! PATTY. Sorry, Monique. Hey Andrea. Hey Sarah. TRIBUNAL. We are those girls, we are the gone We see the clothes that you try on We watch the scales that you step on The Teen Tribunal, The Pantheon PATTY. It was really nice to see you! I mean...hear yout I love the a cappella! (RENEE and PATTY exchange a look. JANE, mother of Moni in, seated at a kitchen table.) JANE. Tissues, girls?40 Wendy MacLeod RENEE. I feel sort of cried out. JANE. I know just what you mean. The tears stop and you think they’ve dried up and then something tiny sets you off again. Like the microwave. Monique pushed those buttons. (She weeps.) RENEE. Not too often I bet. JANE. Oh but she did. We always sat down to dinner as a family. ‘We'd eat our casserole and she'd sip on her hot water and lemon. PATTY. Monique talked about you a lot. JANE. Did she? What did she say? PATTY, About how you were a really nice mother and all. JANE. Anything more specific? PATTY. (Fiailing:) She liked that necklace you're wearing, [remember her talking about that. RENEE. It's good you have another daughter. (PATTY hits her, RENEE mouths "What?”) JANE. Fortunately, Eleanor doesn’t have an eating disorder. She eats and eats. And eats. Eleanor was never as pretty as Monique. Monique ‘was always pretty, even at her most cadaverous. I'm so glad you girls, stopped by. PATTY. We didn’t know where else to go. RENEE, We were thinking about the funeral. JANE. Celebration. A celebration of the life of Monique Deveraux. RENEE. Whatever. PATTY. And we were thinking about how we could help, JANE, Would you be pallbearers? I know that normally pall bearers are men but that’s because bodies are normally heavy ai this case I think she could be borne aloft by cats. By kittens. Tiny little kittens. (She weeps.) PATTY. Renee can’t even lifta liter jug of soda. RENEE. I was thinking maybe I could give the eulogy. Schoolgirl Figure a JANE. Have you had any experience giving eulogies? RENEE. Well | was on the debate team. PATTY. When? RENEE. I handled the con-side of prayer in the schools. JANE, What was your argument? RENEE. That if we prayed in the multi-purpose room we'd get sneaker dust on our knees and we'd have to wash our pantyhose more often and deplete the world’s natural resources that much sooner, JANE. Monique was very concerned with the world’s natural re- sources. PATTY. I know! She hardly used any. JANE. If she left a room, just for a moment, just to get a sweater, she was always cold not having any subcutaneous layer, she would turn out the lights. PATTY. | know and she made the maintenance guys at school put a rubber trash can by the soda machine so that people would recycle their cans. JANE. (Sobbing:) Isn't that just like Monique!? RENEE. With Monique's eulogy J would be arguing like pro-Monique, anti-Death, JANE. I don’t know. 1 think Jeanine was expecting to do the eulogy. She was Monique's best friend. RENEE. | know. They were so close. It’s too bad about the stutter. JANE. Jeanine stutters? RENEE. Only when she's in front of crowds. And people can be so cruel. They laugh and laugh. JANE. If I let you do the eulogy, will you promise me something, Renee? RENEE. Anything.2 Wendy MacLeod JANE. That you'll eat. For your mother's sake. You have no idea how much your mother loves you. RENEE I dont think so she really oved me he'd buy mea canopy JANE. | always wanted a canopy bed. I never bought Mor canopy bed! a rea PATTY. Maybe she dicin’t want one. JANE. Will you promise me you'll eat, Renee? You too, Patty, al though you don’t look quite as ephemeral. RENEE/ PATTY. We promise. JANE. Renee, do her justice. (Crossfide funeral. Open casket wheels on. Big organ chord. Spotlight ‘on RENEE) aie ed RENEE. .,.And every day was Lent without the hunchback and wrinkles, can only aspire to. She entered the Peace Corps of the body, ingher part for world hunger by offering up her portions to the starvi childrenin Arica, though Im not entirely clear on how they got the food, I know that by doing so we were all able to see what she was made of. Bones. Monica, we will never forget you. PATTY. (Hissing:) Monique, RENEE. Amen. JEANINE. You told me she was dancing! RENEE, She was when we saw her! JEANINE. She was blind! RENEE. You can dance when you're blind! Look at Stevie Wonder! JEANINE. You've got a lot of nerve stealing my eulogy! RENEE. Her mother asked me to do it. JEANINE. Telling her mother I had a stutter, you big fat cheater! You flout the by-laws every chance you get! Schoolgirl Figure 8 Seabee eee RENEE. What about you? You're out there licking doorknobs! JEANINE. You told me she was in the hospital for a nose job! RENEE. They did it posthumously! It was her dying wish! JEANINE. Why would anyone care what theit nose looked like when they were dead? RENEE. Open casket, JEANINE, Her nose doesn't look any different to me. RENEE, The nose isn’t the problem. Do you see the make-up? I could Kill that mortician. She's clearly a summer and he did her all winter. JEANINE. Why is there a scar around her neck? RENEE. What scar? JEANINE. That scar, There. RENEE. Birthmark? JEANINE. I heard the two of you were the last to see her alive. I you murdered Monique, you are SO disqualified! RENEE. I didn’t murder anybody! | accessorized! JEANINE. You what? PATTY. My client has nothing further to say at this time. JEANINE. You can't be her lawyer, you're a suspect. PATTY. (To RENEE) You have the right toremain silent, youhave the right. RENEE. The lavoyer doesn’t say that. JEANINE. You know what they give you in jail! Meat loaf! Mashed potatoes! And pudding! RENEE. Well why don’t you confess to the crime and then you can keep stuffing your face. JEANINE. I may have eaten your heinous mall cookies and ballooned. ‘back to a four but I'm still the same size as you, and according to the“4 Wendy MacLeod choose his girlfriend's murderer? RENEE. How do we know you didn’t do it? You're the one who just got out of the looney bin! JANINE. It was a Body Image Clinic! RENEE. There were locks on the door! JEANINE. | had some issues with exercise! RENEE, You were trying to exercise your head! JEANINE. There are muscles in your head! RENEE. If you so much as breathe a word about your little murder theory to The Bradley, you'll be pushing up daisies with your pal fonique. PATTY. Quiet. It's The Bradley. JEANINE. The Bradley, it’s me Jeanine. A two. RENEE, You are so not a two, JEANINE. I'm the former two. RENEE. The former two, the present four. BRADLEY. Are you talking about your dress size? JEANINE. Uh-hub. BRADLEY. This is a fucking funeral! You should be sad. And if you're not sad, you should leave. RENEE. You heard The Bradley, Jeanine. He wants you to leave. JEANINE. Me leave? Why don’t you leave? RENEE. The Bradley needs me. BRADLEY. Why would Ineed you? RENEE. You're distraught. BRADLEY. Why don't you both leave? JEANINE. You heard The Bradley, Renee. ‘choose between us. You thinkhe’s actually going to. Schoolgirl Figure 45 RENEE, I'm afraid I can't leave. | have a charley horse. JEANINE. So do 1. RENEE. You can't havea charley horse. Lhave a charley horse. JEANINE, I'm here, The Bradley, to listen, to share, to give whatever ‘you need from me now. BRADLEY. Would you get me a Kleenex? (RENEE smiles serenely.) JEANINE. Sure. RENEE. You help her Patty. JEANINE. | think I can find a Kleenex, Renee. RENEE. Make sure it's the kind with lotion. The Bradley's nose is chapping. GEANINE exits, followed by PATTY.) BRADLEY. Itis? RENEE. Oh my God, it’s total Rudolph. BRADLEY. Don’t let the guys see me. !'m like crying all the time. RENEE. Oh The Bradley. The Bradley, The Bradley. Poor you, Poor Monique. I miss her 50. BRADLEY. What do you miss? RENEE, Her...smile? : BRADLEY. She didn’t smile too much. She was embarrassed about her teeth. Her gums were pulling away. RENEE, I miss the way she'd wear your letter jacket Yt my letter jacket. That was the last guy's. She made her tip over. g I miss, the way that gil starved. RENEE | tell you one BRADLEY. Monique was totally fucked up. RENEE, (Admiringly:) Wasn't she?46 Wendy MacLeod ive system had like shut down. I mean I would like to have a girlfriend with breasts. RENEE. The thing you have to remember about breasts is that those bulges are fat. BRADLEY. But in the right place, see what I'm sayin, where it’s supposed to be. Like dirt in a garden is RENEE Soil, yes, I see, I've never thought of it that way before. BRADLEY. | actually don’t remember you being around too much, Were you really a friend of hers? RENEE I gave the eulogy, dic BRADLEY. Monique's RENEE Sedatives. BRADLEY. You made it sound like i Monique. RENEE. She achieved her goal, didnt she? BRADLEY. | guess she did. She was very goal-oriented. RENEE. I remember that about her, [was like Monique, chill BRADLEY. Like how she was nuts with the lists! She'd put things on the list like “Drink water.” RENEE. Those crazy lists! You're right. Lets take it slow. Let’s just sleep together and see how we feel. BRADLEY. I'm not gonna sleep with you. RENEE. Why not? BRADLEY. She just died, RENEE. So? BRADLEY. So, I'm not gonna be all...on the day of her funeral. t know who you were. fas good what happened to RENEE, Monique would have wanted it this way. : ft f Schoolgirl Figure 7 BRADLEY. No she wouldn't. She was really jealous. RENEE. Obladee, obladah, life goes on. BRADLEY. I got to go. RENEE. Why don’t I just stop by tonight? See where you are in the grieving process. BRADLEY. I don't know. I can’t think about this now. I got to drive Monique's mother to the reception thing. RENEE. Reception? Oh, the reception, the one at... BRADLEY. Her house. You were supposed to bring something. Like a ham or something. There's gonna be home movies. RENEE. Sweet. BRADLEY. I took some. But we switched to slides after she stopped moving. RENEE. I've got the ham in the car! BRADLEY. Great. RENEE. A big fat BRADLEY. I'll be seeing you there then. (THE BRADLEY exits.) RENEE. (Calling after him) With ham in hand! (EANINE comes running in carrying a roll of toilet paper.) JEANINE. Where is he? RENEE. What's with the toilet paper Jeanine? JEANINE. It's for The Bradley. Monique's mom ran through all the Kleenex. She's still in the grief stage of grief. RENEE, He's gone to Chuck E. Cheese. To help Monique’s Mom set up. JEANINE. Chuck E. Cheese? But the reception is at Monique's house. RENEE. There’s been a change of location. Monique’s mom wanted it to be more of a celebration. icy hart48 Wendy MacLeod JEANINE. Well, I'd better get over to Chuck E. Cheese's, After all, I am the best friend. GEANINE walks out slowly, and then dashes out in pursuit of The Bradley. PATTY re-enters.) RENEE. (Urgently:) Where do you get a ham? PATTY. Froma pig. RENEE, Well, I know that, but where can you buy one? PATTY. At the grocery store. You're gonna eat a ham? RENEE. Get real. I've got to bring one to the funeral reception. PATTY. Why? RENEE, When people are sad they eat. That's why I try never to feel anything. It's counter-productive. PATTY, Who told you to bring a ham? RENEE. The Bradley. PATTY. You're not gonna be able to carry a ham. RENEE. Well you'll just have to carry it then. And you can’t eat it! PATTY. You think I'd really scarf an entire ham? RENEE I've seen you do it. PATTY. That was a roast beef. I hadn’t eaten for like three days. RENEE. | know. You were doing so well. Now, where is a grocery store? PATTY. Everywhere. RENEE. Talk about an epidemic. PATTY. I can run in for you. I need to pick up a few things. Schoolgirl Figure 49 —_—rrermensre RENEE. Oh no you don’t. The last time you went to the grocery store it was like $200 and you sent the check-out girl into overtime. We're going in together. (RENEE pushes PATTY offstage. They re-emerge with PATTY pushing RENEE in @ grocery cart. PABLO, a grocery boy, crosses through carrying fruit crtes.) here tempt you? PATTY. Doesn't anyth RENEE. That guy with the boxes was pretty cute. PATTY. mean food. RENEE. If | eat food, I get fat, I get huge, it’s out of the question. PATTY. You were never huge, you looked fine. You were a figure- skater. RENEE. So I wore sharp shoes and went round and round. Let's get a ham and get the hell out of here. (A liam drops from the eviling. PATTY picks it up.) What's that? PATTY. It's a ham. RENEE. Thirteen dollars! PATTY. Food is expensive. RENEE. Would you get that big fat ham out of my face! PATTY. Does it look like a good one? RENEE. Oh, who cares? It’s just a prop. Give me some cash. PATTY. I don't have any money! RENEE. What do you mean? PATTY. I never have any money! I'm poor! RENEE. Oh you are not. PATTY. I'm the working poor! RENEE. You don’t even have a job.50 Wendy MacLeod > V—vrKhKFK—SS _ PATTY. My parents do. RENEE. That isso retro having two parents. Check your pockets! You must have some change. We've got to bring a ham. It's like a cover charge. (PATTY pulls out her pockets to show RENEE.) ~ PATTY. All I have is McDonald's gift certificates. Maybe we could bring Happy Meals instead. RENEE. You can't bring Happy Meals to a funeral reception! PATTY. Well use your credit card. t out buying this dress. ‘guess we'll have to show up hamvless. Ttold The Bradley Thad a ham in the car! RENEE. I'll tell him you ate it. That's alittle more plausible. PATTY. Don't tell him that! He'll think I'm disgusting! RENEE, Well we have to have a ham. Otherwise he'll know I wasn't RENEE. What poor grocer? It's giant conglomerate that’s exploiting third world livestock. They can’t even turn around in their cages PATTY. Renee? RENEE. What? PATTY. You sort of know about something. RENEE, And that’s not all they do. They mutilate their genitals and test mascara on their eyes. I'm just sick about it. I signed a petition. Come on, let's go. PATTY. I'm not walking out with this, RENEE. Well [can't carry it. Schoolgirl Figure El PATTY. I might get arrested. How would that look on my transcript? RENEE. They don’t put arrests on your transcript! They putiton your record. PATTY. I don’t want an arrest anywhere. It will hurt my chances. RENEE. Not PATTY. Then you've still got a shot. RENEE. Oh, give it a rest would you? Look, an old receipt. I'll just stick it on there. PATTY. This receipt is for Maxi-pads. RENEE, Not from a distance. PATTY. | am not going to steal a ham, It's a venal sin! RENEE. Patty, you are so conventional, did you know that? Locked into this whole Ten Commandments thing... PATTY. Why don’t we just skip the reception? RENEE. Are you crazy? I've got to get a date with The Bradley before Jeanine does. PATTY. | thought you sent Jeanine to Chuck E. Cheese's. RENEE. She won't be there forever! Once she finishes inhaling a deep dish pizza she'll realize she's been duped. jarvard! They let murderers in! PATTY. So what? RENEE. It's in the by-laws. In case of a tie and no designated suc- cessor, she who bones him owns him,52 Wendy MacLeod eee eee Eee (PATTY crosses her arms, not backing down, RENEE climbs out of the artand takes the ham.) RENEE. Oh all right. What a hamophobe! (RENEE ft the ham and careens around, finally finding her balance.) : Let's go. PABLO. You got a receipt for that? RENEE. (Waving it:) Chyeah. PABLO, (Looking at it: ‘That's for Maxi Pads, RENEE. God. Say it louder next time. I think Aisle 5 missed it! PABLO, That's not those, that’s a ham. RENEE. I know what PABLO. Nobody saw you go through the line. RENEE. Well pay attention next time. PABLO. You didn’t go through the line. PATTY. Well which is it? She didn’t go through the line or nobody SAW her go through the line? RENEE, My lawyer. PABLO. Aren't you kind of young to be a lawyer? PATTY. I'ma lawyerette. s. PABLO. Look, my boss sent me. I got to get some money from you or T'm gonna lose my job. RENEE. Would you get to lose the smock too? PABLO. I need this job. RENEE. I need this ham. I'm a homeless person and I'm starving. PABLO, Homeless people don’t have purses. They have shopping BS. RENEE, | have shopping bags! In the car! | Schoolgirl Figure 53 PABLO. You're a homeless person with a car? RENEE. I'ma migrant worker. I'm one of your people. PABLO. Which people? RENEE. Mexican? PABLO. Not. PATTY. She is starving. RENEE. I haven't eaten for days. PABLO. Well take an apple or something, not a whole fucking ham. tastes. Il them you saw the receipt? RENEE. | have e PATTY. Can't you PABLO. They can check the tape. They'll know. PATTY. Wow this is like 1984 or something. PABLO. Excellent book. Big Brother. RENEE. Can we retum to speaking English please? Tell him WHY we need the ham, PABLO. I don't fucking care why you need the ham. PATTY. We're going to a funeral reception. PABLO. Oh man. RENEE. For one of our very dearest friends. PABLO. What'd she die of? RENEE. Perfection. PABLO, Whatever. You gotta pay for it. Look, I really need this job. ‘My mother needs to buy a respirator. Our insurance is running out. RENEE, Like we're gonna buy that old respirator line. PATTY. Renee. RENEE. Like he's gotta buy air for his mother? Maybe he’s got some land in the desert. Or some anti-cellulite cream.54 Wendy MacLeod PATTY. Pay for the ham, Renee. PABLO, Renee? Like don't walk away Renee. RENEE. You're a tool, I hope you realize that, a tool for the whole... capitalistic...thing. PABLO. Hey, I'm only sixteen. (RENEE hands over a treenty. PABLO bags the ham) RENEE, There. PABLO. You know you'd be cute you ate something. RENEE. Thank you for the Latino perspective. (They exit. Crossfade to reception. PATTY and RENEE enter. In one hand PATTY carries the ham in a plastic grocery bag. nthe other, she carries her backpack.) PATTY. I fee! like Lucky. RENEE. You are lucky. PATTY. No, Lucky, Lucky. In WAITING FOR GODOT. Fifth peri English, remember? a RENEE. I had cramps that day. PATTY. For someone who doesn’t have a period you sure get a lot of. cramps. RENEE. [risk reform school for that stupid ham, and The Bradley isn't even here to see it. PATTY. Ummmm, hot cross buns, el 8 buns, Chex mix, deviled eggs...try a RENEE, Would you get that out of my face? I despise potluck. your party feed the damn guests! ae PATTY, We're not really guests. We weren’t invited. RENEE. Well the other ham-bringers were. PATTY. It's what the Native Americans used to do. Only they called them potlatch ceremonies. o Schoolgirl Figure 55 BG eee emer eee RENEE. It’s got nothing to do wi and everybody else brings a pot: por ‘end up eating like hummus and nachos and jello and feel like they're gonna spew. PATTY. So? What's wrong with that? Buffet is the binger’s delight. RENEE. You're gonna spew here? PATTY. Why not? RENEE. Show some respect. The girl was anorexic, Why is that gir! staring at me? PATTY. Oh, that’s Monique's sister. RENEE. A fourteen at least. Oh my God. Jeanine is here, How the hell did she get here first? PATTY. Maybe she sprinted. RENEE. The girl's like one of those punching bag clowns. You keep bopping her and she keeps popping back up. Oh my God she's talking to The Bradley. Go over there and see what she’s planning. * PATTY. Jeanine’s not smart enough to have a plan. She got a D in Driver's Ed. How smart is that? RENEE. If she flutters her lashes any more, she's gonna take off. Jeanine? PATTY. You really think he'd sleep wi RENEE, Well, he doesn’t seem to want to sleep with me. PATTY. (Gasps:) The Bradley? Is it possible that...? RENEE. Don’t even say it. PATTY, He is taking Home Ec. RENEE. It isn’t Home Ec. It’s Thai cooking! PATTY. Maybe that’s why he dates girls that Jook like boys. RENEE. I don't look like a boy, [ook like a model! PATTY. Whatever. RENEE. I'm a dead ringer for Kate Moss.56 Wendy MacLeod ene ELEEREELEL PATTY. She's a waif. RENEE. So am I. PATTY. You are so not a waif. RENEE. | ama total waif! : PATTY. Waifs are like helpless. You're not helpless. You're smartand schemy and evil RENEE. Well it doesn’t matter what | am, it matters what I look like. Now get your nose out of the trough and go. PATTY. They/te going fo see me hovering. She'll know Fm your RENEE. You're not my mini PATTY. You're my sidekick! RENEE. I'm not the sidekick, I'm the protagonist. PATTY. You are not. RENEE. Fine. I'm the antagonist. PATTY. We're both the protagonist. RENEE. Whatever. you're my sidekick. PATTY. Whatever. RENEE. WHATEVER. GO. (PATTY exits, Home movies of Monique are projected across RENEE.) Excuse me. Do I look like a projection screen? (Exit RENEE. JEANINE and THE BRADLEY cross down. PATTY follows, lingering and nibbling at the buffet tabl JEANINE. This is not your fault, you know. There's no need to carry ‘around all that g BRADLEY. What guilt? JEANINE. Maybe it’s time to forgive yourself a little, huh? You cut everyone else a break. How about cutting The Bradley a break? Schoolgirl Figure ssc ose eee EE ee BRADLEY. Forgive myself for what? It’s not my faul fault. JEANINE. There's no need to carry around all that anger. BRADLEY. I'm not angry... JANINE. There's book I want you toread. It's a Dummies’ Guide to ‘Coping with Loss. I's about coping with loss. BRADLEY. I don’t really need a book. I've had a lot of experience. JEANINE. You can always learn how to grieve a little better. BRADLEY. I been grieving wrong? JEANINE, No, no, no, Bradley, you haven't done anything wrong. ‘Look me in the eye and say it, “Ihaven't done anything wrong, ink I'm gonna go get another soda. BRADLEY. JEANINE, What's that all about? BRADLEY. Thirst? JEANINE. Resistance. How about I drop it by this afternoon? BRADLEY. I got to go to my cooking class. JEANINE. You're taking a cooking class? BRADLEY. Thai cooking. JEANINE. Ah, a coping strategy. BRADLEY. | just like the noodles. JEANINE. I'll stop by after your class, What time is it over? BRADLEY. Well it sort of depends on what we're cooking... JEANINE. I'll wait. I'l just park myself on your doorstep and wait. BRADLEY. Why don't | pick it up? JEANINE. When? BRADLEY. Whenever. JEANINE. On your way home from class?58 Wendy MacLeod BRADLEY. I guess. JEANINE. Perfect! (THE BRADLEY exits. PATTY sidles up to JEANINE,) PATTY. Cooking class? JEANINE. Thai cooking. What? PATTY. Monique did sort of look like a boy. JEANINE. She had breasts! PATTY. No, she didn't. JEANINE, What are you saying? (PATTY shrugs. JEANINE exits huffily. MRS. BLUE, eat ‘Paper plate, walks up to PATTY.) eee MRS. BLUE. Hello Patty. PATTY. Hey Mrs. Blue. MRS. BLUE. There aren't as many people here as at the last funeral. PATTY. Well some of the girls have died since then. MRS. BLUE. I can't help but think of Jimmy’s funeral. PATTY. jimmy? MRS. BLUE. You probably know him as James, Dean. Like Mo! ; ue he died young, too young. Motorcycle accident. ia (MRS, BLUE hands PATTY her plate, rummages through her purse.) Have you got a Kleenex? (PATTY hands her a napkin, MRS. BLUE look: uncom; Her nap) (Sat it, uncompre- PATTY. It’s a cocktail napkin. MRS. BLUE. It will chafe, but never mind. PATTY. Was he your boyfriend? MRS. BLUE. Oh no, no, no. Just a fellow traveler. Schoolgirl Figure ee eg ae cone eee PATTY. Were you on the motorcycle? MRS. BLUE. Oh no, no, no, We were in the same acting class. At The Studio. Me, Jimmy, Marilyn, Marlon, We always knew Jimmy would day he brought in coffee and a bagel and he sat there ind ate it and it was riveting, RIVETING. PATTY. Wow. Did they always know you'd be a high school teacher? MRS. BLUE. Silly as it i, they all thought I would be the star. PATTY. They did? MRS. BLUE, They did. PATTY. Wouldn't they be like older than you? MRS. BLUE. I was the baby, fresh out of...barely out of...stll wet behind the ears when I arrived in New York. Baby Shirley, he called me. PATTY. Jimmy? MRS. BLUE. No, Marlon. Jimmy never joked, he was in too much pain. PATTY. From the accident? look at him. Jimmy, jimmy, I'd think, what MRS. BLUE. You fe have they done to you.. PATTY. What had they done to him? MRS. BLUE. Many times Elia begged me to come back to New York. Shirley, he'd say, we need you. No one else can do this part. But I'd say really Elia, | am not the only actress who can do that part. What about Jessica? PATTY. Jessica? MRS. BLUE. Tandy. And do you know what that role was? PATTY. Miss Daisy? MRS. BLUE. Blanche du Bois. PATTY. Wow. Why didn’t you do it?60 Wendy MacLeod MRS. BLUE. [fell in love with a bse vouae young attorney and the rest, as they PATTY. But in PATTY. But inthe summers you could still go back and do plays and MRS. BLUE. Oh they still call me, but tell them I'mneeded here. My students need me. PATTY. Not in the summers we don’t. ‘MRS. BLUE. The Community Players do. I am, and I say this only because they have told me so many times, I am the box office draw. PATTY. You were really good in DARK OF THE MOON, MRS. BLUE. Thank you. Oh God when I think of the...ast,Jimumy, Marilyn, Marlon, gone, and me, sharing a dressing room with software distributors... (MRS. BLUE exits sobbing. RENEE enters.) RENEE. Well? Did you hear anything? PATTY. He's stopping by her house. To pick uj i oe ing by use. To pick up a book on coping RENEE. Oh it RENEE. Oh my God. 1 cannot believe she used that old coping with PATTY. I took care of it. RENEE. You took care of it? PATTY. I can be crafty! RENEE. Ye; PATTY. [ told her he was gay. RENEE. Why? He's not gay. PATTY. To shake her confidence. She has self-esteem problems, RENEE. Women with self-esteem problems LOVE gay men, PATTY. They do? RENEE. Of course. like macramé. Schoolgirl Figure 61 PATTY. Why? RENEE. Then the rejections aren't personal. PATTY. Ohhh. QEANINE, passing through, sees RENEE.) wing a little tryst today thinking of naming our JEANINE. Renee. The Bradley and I are which will no doubt lead toa forever love. I first child Chuck E. In honor of you, Renee. RENEE. Your first child? Who are you kidding? You don’t even havea period! JEANINE. Once in a while I dot RENEE. Some tryst! It's a book drop-off! JEANINE. Have you been spying on me? RENEE, Your life's not all that interesting. May I suggest a title for your autobiography? “String of Clichés: The Jeanine Story.” JEANINE. I have another title in mind. “She Who Bones Him Ow'ns Him.” PATTY. Or how about “He Who Bones Him Owns Him?” (IEANINE gives PATTY a sharp dirty look, then wheels tozwards RENEE.) JEANINE. You've got a lot of nerve showing up here, uninvited. RENEE. An oversight I'm sure. After all, I did give the eulogy. JEANINE. Monique's mom told me about your little promise to eat something and I think you need to honor that off the buffet table) Lam eating something! JEANINE. That's a toothpick. RENEE. Yum. JEANINE, How about a deviled egg? RENEE. I can’t eat eggs! There was a childhood traumal It involved multiple yokes!2 Wendy MacLeod JEANINE. You promised her mother you'd eat! RENEE. I said I'd eat! I didn’t say what! JEANINE. Fat an egg of get out of her house! RENEE. Have you considered grief counseling? JEANINE. I totally want to see you eat an egg! RENEE. Why?So you don’t feel so fat after y binge? GEANINE thrusts an egg at RENEE’s mouth. RENEE turns her head ‘away and JEANINE smears the egg down her dress.) JEANINE. I may be a big fat cheesy four but at least I don’t look ll Jackson Pollock painting! : bereits RENEE. I may be abstract but at least I don't look like the Macy’s parade! JEANINE. I hate you! I hope you die of osteoporosis! you hear that? aught! RENEE. I'm distraught! Look at my dress! I’s ruined! PATTY. I'll get a sponge. RENEE, | fold you to give the gay thing a rest Thisis serious. We've got to get over to Jeanine’s house and sabotage the y dammed if she bones him first. eee yet Tite PATTY. What about your dress? RENEE. Oh my God. Gimme your clothes. PATTY. Give you my clothes? RENEE. Sir Walter Raleigh gave his cape to Queen Elizabeth. PATTY. That was a cape. RENEE. Point? Schoolgirl Figure PATTY. He wasn't left naked. RENEE. Give me your cape then. PATTY. I haven't got a cape! People don’t wear capes! This isn’t Jamestown! RENEE, Oh never mind. We'll just stop at the mall on the way to miter. RENEE holds. tablecloth around her shoulders and sets the egy dress on the counter.) PATTY. Don’t you get embarrassed about returning things? RENEE. Why should I? I'm making capitalism work for me. (Enter MARCEL) Id like to return this dress please. MARCEL. I'm sorry but it appears to be crusty. RENEE. I know. We got it home and we were like, “Oh my God, there's deviled egg on the front of this dress.” MARCEL. How did you know it was deviled egg? RENEE. Well we didn’t, what we actually said was “Oh my God, just ‘bought this dress and there's some crusty thing ont.” All you have to do is scratch it off. MARCEL. Excuse me? RENEE. See? It comes right off MARCEL. Then why are you returning it? RENEE. It was too small. MARCEL. Small? RENEE Big. MARCEL. Then why did you buy it? RENEE. [t was an impulse buy. MARCEL. And I should care...why?a Wendy MacLeod RENEE. My parents won't let me wear it. MARCEL. They're philosophically opposed to wool crepe? RENEE. May I speak to the manager? MARCEL. I am the manager. RENEE. You're not the usual manager. MARCEL. She got fired. For being too lax about the return policy. RENEE. She wasn’t MARCEL I think she’s at the Disney shop now. Selling Goofy mugs. I'm sure she'd love to see you. RENEE. | could do without the attitude. MARCEL. Do you have the receipt? RENEE. Of course I have the receipt. MARCEL. This recei RENEE. The tags are sti MARCEL. These tags have been tucked. I can see the holes from the safety pins that attached them to the inside of the dress. RENEE. (Snatching the receipt back:) This dress has never been worn! MARCEL. May Task why you're wearing a tablecloth? RENEE. This isn'ta tablecloth! It's gingham! MARCEL. It's got little strawberries on it! RENEE, Tell him Patty, tell him the dress has never been worn! PATTY. Renee. RENEE. What? MARCEL. (Smelling the dress:) Chanel Number Five, Ban Roll-On. Estée Lauder matte foundation. RENEE. | tried it on, that’s all! Tell him! MARCEL. It's black. I'm guessing funeral. , she was compassionate, Schoolgirl Figure PATTY. I'm not gonna lie for you anymore. : RENEE. Oh can’t somebody else chop down the cherry tree just this once? MARCEL. (Pointing:) Sweat stain! RENEE. You're about to lose my business. MARCEL. Promises, promises. RENEE. | promise you'll lose my business. MARCEL. Fine. RENEE. lf you give me that dress in the same size and makeit snappy. (MARCEL sweeps out.) RENEE. Where were you out there? You're my partner! I needed back- up! PATTY. Well don't be all. RENEE, Well | am all. After ail the things I do for you. PATTY. You don't do anything for me. RENEE. I go to the bathroom with you after every meal. Despite the stench and the retch. (PATTY starts to exit.) RENEE. Where are you going? I'm in crisis. PATTY. Call the Teen Hotline. RENEE. That is so cold. PATTY. Why should [help you get your Bradley? What's in it for me? RENEE. Borrowed prestige? PATTY. See ya. RENEE. Patty. Stay. I'll do anything. PATTY. Stop at McDonald's? RENEE. You're not still hungry.66 Wendy MacLeod eee eet PATTY. [ want to get some Happy Meals. I'v pean iPPY Meals. I've nearly got the entire RENEE. Those things are for kids, Patty. PATTY. They'll never know! We'll use the drive-thru! RENEE. There are 83 grams of fat in each of those Happy Meals, do know that, don’t you? eeeaeee PATTY. Twenty Happy Meals please. DENNIS. Two? PATTY. Twenty. DENNIS. Very funny. Ha ha. Get out of the drive-thru asshole. RENEE, Excuse me? DENNIS. Hayley, I know it’s you. “T ’ DENNIS. Hay 's you. “Twenty Happy Meals please. PATTY. I'm not Hayley. DENNIS. Oh. Look, you're supposed to be a kid Meals, How old are you? Geeta RENEE. Ifyou'd lookin your stupid convex miror you would thave toask. DENNIS. What's up? You gitls like on a scavenger hunt? RENEE. There are cars lining up behind us. DENNIS. So, what, is there like a slumber party somewhere? RENEE. She wants Happy Meals. Give her Happy Mé being such a tool. 1 Happy Meals and stop DENNIS. They're all for her? Schoolgiel Figure o7 RENEE. She's dying okay? Of a very rare...disorder, And this is her dying wish. DENNIS. Oh | get it. This is like a hazing or something. RENEE. I'd like to speak to the manager. DENNIS. He's in the bathroom. He's gonna be a while. He took a magazine. RENEE /PATTY. Yuk. RENEE. Don’t you have twenty Happy Meals? DENNIS. We're McDonald's. Over a billion served. RENEE. Then this shouldn't be so hard. DENNIS. So like where you guys headed? RENEE. Oh for God’s sake. DENNIS. Look, if you want to meet me you don’t have to like come up with bogus meat orders. RENEE. Meet you? Why would we want to meet you? DENNIS. Maybe you been checking me out in the convex mirror. RENEE. Oh yeah we checked you out. We checked out the smock. We checked out the stupid little hat. We checked out the acne. We checked ‘out the mouth breathing. We checked it all out and decided we'd rather have the fucking food! DENNIS. Drive up please. bag drops from the sky and lands in PATLY's lap. homping on cliceseburgers.) PATTY. What's with the balls? Who thought of balls? Kids like to jump into a bunch of balls. How did they find that out? RENEE. Are you done? PATTY. What?68 Wendy MacLeod > Oo—n—rnenemE>s»=>wes RENEE. You sound like a stand-up comedian. So kids like balls. Get overit, Finish your many hamburgers. PATTY. Cheeseburgers. RENEE, The Bradley's class is almost over. (Pause. PATTY shovels food in.) RENEE. I ought to charge admission. PATTY. What? RENEE. The way you wolf your food. I's like a National Geographic special PATTY, I have a system. First I eat all the burgers, then French Fries then drink all the drink, Sy hen eat ale RENEE, Why don’t you alternate bites? PATTY. Because that would be normal. I have an eating disorder. RENEE, Patty, have you been to see a counselor? PATTY. Just once. RENEE. | can't believe you! PATTY. 1 was on a bummer. (Enter GUIDANCE COUNSELOR with her oton chair. Ticking clock Pauses.) COUNSELOR. You know I care about you, don't you Patricia? PATTY. Yes? COUNSELOR. You sound like you're not sure of that. PATTY. Well it’s just I never met you before. COUNSELOR. You don't think it’s possible that i actually care about you? , Cnn PATTY. Weil like my Mom does. And Renee. COUNSELOR. We want our friends’ approval, don’t we? PATTY. Yes? Schoolgirl Figure 6 Sees EeceseeL CG seeeseeeeeer oe ccaeeeee cere COUNSELOR. You sound like you're not sure. PATTY. [just wasn’t sure whether we were talking about you or me, COUNSELOR. We can talk about me if you like. | mean that's only fair isn't it? That we have an exchange. When I was a teenager, yes | ‘was a teenager, my friend had the (Making quotation marks eoith her {fingers:) grooviest pair of embroidered jeans, and ] wanted some just like them, and do you know what I dic? PATTY. Stole them? COUNSELOR. I did. I stole them. And do you know what? [ could never wear the jeans because she might see them and discover that | stole them. Do you see my point? PATTY. Yes? COUNSELOR. Have you ever thought about why they're trying to control our bodies? PATTY. Who? COUNSELOR. Them. PATTY. So we look good? COUNSELOR. So we spend all our time worrying about looking, good. PATTY. What do you spend your time worrying about? COUNSELOR. I worry about girls like you. PATTY. Um. The bell just rang, COUNSELOR. I worry about what kind of message the media is sending. Why aren’t men taught to hate their bodies? PATTY. Well Renee's brother takes steroids. COUNSELOR. Good. I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad to hear that self- loathing is now spanning the genders. PATTY. Um. The bell just rang.70 Wendy MacLeod eee eres ‘COUNSELOR. | heard it. But I want another kind of bell to go off in your mind. Th says Ican be large, Ican , Tean we ‘sweatpants. nse POON By, Naa wees PATTY. You mean like a lesbian? COUNSELOR. Take this. It’s The By Women For Women Organic ‘Cotton Catalog. Discover the freedom of the elasticized waist. (Exit COUNSELOR.) RENEE. See, the problem with counselorsis they think the way we eat isa problem and it's not, sap. in her office, That middle-aged I. RENEE. Decay. PATTY. It skind of like a mix of sweat, perfume, and disappointment. RENEE, You should totally write that down. That was poetry. PATTY. Eat yout pickles. RENEE. It has ketchup on it. PATTY. Ketchup is just tomatoes. RENEE, And sugar. It's fifteen calories a teaspoon, PATTY. Just wipe the ketchup off. RENEE, With what? PATTY. A napkin. RENEE. I can‘t eat when somebody's watching me! PATTY. Wel RENEE. I'm not! PATTY. You were! RENEE, Oh my G (RENEE retches,) PATTY. You? jon’t look at met I'm gonna hurl! Schoolgin Figure RENEE. I've got the flu! (RENEE throws np.) ‘Thisis great! I've just lost oodles of water weight, When Jeanine makes her move on The Bradley I'll demand a weigh-in! PATTY. You can’t do that! RENEE. Why not? PATTY. If you demand a weigh-in everybody gets weighed! RENEE. So? PATTY. I'll get weighed. And I'm on the double-digit precipice! RENEE. But riow Ihave the influenza edge! I could win the weigh-in! PATTY. What if you don’t? An unsuccessful challenge leads to im- mediate forfeiture. RENEE. That's sight. I've got to sabotage the tryst somehow! PATTY. I've already sabotaged the tryst! With my crafty alternative sexuality strategy! RENEE. You think that’s going to stop Jeanine? She's like an Irish setter in heat! PATTY. At least give it a chance! Maybe I psyched her out with my sharp-witted “He Who Bones Him Owns Him.” RENEE. Your witty repartee got me smelling like a henhouse! PATTY. We're supposed to be partners! But you never let me be schemy! You might as well just go to Jeanine’s by yourself! RENEE. Oh alright. We'll ry your lame-brained plan. I won't risk aR Wendy MacLeod ‘TRIBUNAL. We have the testimony of a McDonalds’ worker You're a Happy Meal-eater of some renown That's fine and good for a binge and purger But we see you keeping dinner down, PATTY. I'm going to purge! haven't had the chance! RENEE. I should never have let you come here. I'm such an enabler! PATTY. Do you think they heard? About the special weigh-in? RENEE. Drive (eanine’s house, Two large urns. RENEE and PATTY sneak on.) PATTY. I don't want burglary on my transcript. RENEE. If Thear another word about that fucking transcript PATTY. My mother says I need more activities. RENEE. You're in the Renee club, it's a service organization. PATTY. Yeah, it’s a charity! RENEE. Get your urn. PATTY. I need a charity. Since the candy-stripers let me go. I'm thinking about working in a soup kitchen. RENEE. You? Ina soup kitchen? The bums would never see the food. PATTY. You can’t binge on soup. RENEE. You could. Now hide. PATTY. I can't. [have to spew. The Tribunal saw me binging. RENEE. Well you can’t spew now. She'll hear the hacks. PATTY. She's got a cat. She'll think it's a hairball, RENEE. She'll smell the smell. She'll see the bile. PATTY. But you're gonna call a weigh-in... Schoolgirl Figure RENEE. You should have thought of that before you ate twenty Happy Meals! PATTY. Thirteen. You threw away the rest, remember? RENEE. Not soon enough. You were totally busted by the Tribunal. PATTY. Where do they send you, if you're a ten or more? RENEE. Nobody knows. The Midwest, I think. PATTY. Oh my God. RENEE. Now hide! Check it out. Urns, That's where I'll be spending, all eternity. PATTY. You want to be cremated? RENEE, Of course! My body wei PATTY. You won't have a body. (RENEE climbs into an urn.) RENEE. Exactly. It’s a dream come true. Does this urn make me look fat? PATTY. You look like a person in an urn. RENEE. ! know, but do I look like a skinny person in an urn? PATTY. I wonder why guys like to do it with skinny girls. ill be down to ounces! RENEE I think your brain arteries are clogging with special sauce. A ‘concave belly is the ultimate turn-on, not to mention a butt they can grab with one hand. I mean all over the world men are paying top dollar to dé ten year old girls. PATTY. That is 50 sick. RENEE. I looked fabulous at age ten. Puberty is the worst thing that ever happened to me. PATTY. Shhh. Somebody's coming up the walk RENEE. Oh my God. It's The Bradley. Get in the urn! Get in the urn! PATTY. Now remember, give my plan a chance.74 Wendy MacLeod the urn and gets stuck. She can’t slide down r) RENEE, Why not? PATTY. Mine is defective! RENEE. I got in! PATTY. You're a four! With the flu! RENEE, Well hide someplace else! PATTY. Where? The scenery is minimalist! RENEE. Get out your lip gloss! Grease up your hips! (Doorbell ships and sl JEANINE. The Bradley! BRADLEY. Hi Jeanette. JEANINE. Jeanine. BRADLEY. Sorry. I'mnot really thinking straight. Is my nose still red? JEANINE. It’s little Yeltsin. rushes to answer it. PATTY glosses her ) BRADLEY. You got a Kleenex? I can't stop crying all the time. JEANINE. You must be working through some stuff. BRADLEY. Naw. I'm just sad. Like I hear a song on the radio, you know, and I think about Monique. She had a really good voice. We went camping once and she sang Kumbaya. She did all the move- ‘ments you know. Like the clapping and everything, JEANINE. What I hear you saying is that that was a very happy memory. BRADLEY. Yeah, like when | think about when I remember she's dead I get all sad. JEANINE. Was it a very passionate love affair? BRADLEY. Yeah. Until her periods stopped. 1 get happy and then Schoolgiel Figure B love when that happens. BRADLEY. It isn't healthy. JEANINE. | hate when that happens. It’s so unnatural. BRADLEY. The whole thing is so unnatural, you know? Like Romeo and Juliet. They had a problem, okay. A feud. Fucked-up parents, But there was nothing standing in our way except her disease. Which isn’t even a real disease cause it's not like caused by a germ. JEANINE. What I hear you saying is that you're very angry. BRADLEY. Yeah. JEANINE. What I hear you saying is “Yeah.” BRADLEY. I came by to get that book you were JEANINE. The Dummies Guide to Coping With Loss? BRADLEY. 1 guess. JEANINE. Or would you rather have When Super Sad Things Happen to Really Happy People? BRADLEY. Whatever. Iw: never know what to do afte (EANINE raises her hand fi JEANINE. know. BRADLEY. Are you like hitting on me? JEANINE. | know you've been experiencing some...confusion. BRADLEY. Confusion? JEANINE. It doesn’t matier to me who else you love as long as I'm the ‘only woman. BRADLEY. Huh? JEANINE. | need to know that I'm the one, And not Renee. JEANINE. 1g me about? stopping by to have something to do. e funerals, you know. sly.) BRADLEY. Who? JEANINE. The other four.76 Wendy MacLeod BRADLEY. With the big head? JEANINE, Ummhmmmm. Oh look, a bunny! (They took.) RENEE. (Over THE BRADLEY and JEANINE, who are oblivious:) Like I've got a big head! Do I have a big head? PATTY. It just looks like a big head. RENEE 1 look like I've got a big head? PATTY. Compared to the rest of your body. (They pop back into their urns.) BRADLEY. [ mean you're cute and all but... JEANINE. | know. I'm not a man. BRADLEY. What? JEANINE. Maybe you could just pretend I was. BRADLEY. Why? JEANINE. To get stimulated. BRADLEY. Why would I pretend you were a man? JEANINE. If you were of a different persuasion... BRADLEY. Like gay? TARE i ue Re Meat aye fe Whence ve lonty. BRADLEY. Monty who? JEANINE. Clift. he love her back? JEANINE. He coul BRADLEY. Montgomery Clift? JEANINE, Montgomery Clift, James Dean, Tom Cruise... BRADLEY. Tom Cruise? Really? Schoolgirl Figure JEANINE. And now The Bradley. BRADLEY. Look I'm not gay. JEANINE. You're not gay? BRADLEY. No. My cousin’s gay. JEANINE. Everybody at school is saying you're gay. BRADLEY. Why? JEANINE. Well you're taking that Thai cooking course... BRADLEY. [d cutting board in the shape of a pig. JEANINE. Proveit BRADLEY. Oh man. JEANINE. Would that really be so awful? BRADLEY. No but... JEANINE. But what? BRADLEY. It doesn’t feel right. Not on the day of Monique's funeral. JEANINE. Monique's the past, I'm the present. (EANINE moves to kiss THE BRADLEY.) RENEE. | demand a weigh-in! BRADLEY. A what? PATTY. Nothing! Don’t listen to her! She's out of her mind with hunger! RENEE. Take off your clothes and go get the JEANINE. Keep her away from me! She killed Monique! le! BRADLEY. She what?! JEANINE. That scar on her neck! Renee choked her to deatht RENEE. I did not! I merely accessorized!78 Wendy MacLeod BRADLEY. You killed Monique? JEANINE. At the very least she stole a necklace off a corpse! RENEE. Oh like the worms care! Get the scale! Unless you're willing to forfeit The Bradley booty! (RENEE and JEANINE stort peeling of their clothes, JEANNE runs inside to get the bathroom scale.) BRADLEY. What are they doing? PATTY. They're weighing themselves. JEANINE. If win the weigh-in do you solemnly cede The Bradley to me? RENEE. Yes! JEANINE. What? RENEE. Yes! BRADLEY. You can’tcede me! PATTY. They’ve been ceding you for years! fit weren’ for you, none of this would be happening! BRADLEY. I didn’t make them stop eating! PATTY. Well who did? BRADLEY. The media! PATTY. And who controls the media? BRADLEY. That English guy! JEANINE. This isn’t The Bradley's fault! Schoolgint Figure 79 erect eee ee BRADLEY. Yeah it isn’t my fault! PATTY. Oh yeah?! You ever gone out with a fat gir!" (Beat, They look at hin.) ee a ur minds! Jesus, when the RADLEY. Yuan een tt formaldehyde! (The girls adtoance on him mienacingty.) RENEE. After all we've done for you! (Throughout the following duet, PATTY is desperately trying to pull herself out ofthe urn.) JEANINE. Dyed our hair. RENEE. Painted our nails! JEANINE. Shaved our legs! RENEE. Plucked our brows! JEANINE. Shaved our pits! RENEE. Cleansed! JEANINE. Exiol RENEE. Astringed! JEANINE, We buffed! RENEE. We puffed! JEANINE. We luffed! RENEE. We moisturized! JEANINE. Sanitized! RENEE, Deodorized! JEANINE. Rhinoplastized! RENEE. | knew it! JEANINE. I had a deviated septum!81 80 Wendy MacLeod Schoolgirl Figure PATTY. (Stalling for time:) We aerobicizedt TRIBUNAL, a is Set aside the war for Bradley RENEE. We anaerobicized! First we monitor our own but sadly JEANINE, She said aerobicize already. Patty has breached ‘Tribunal trust Ie step she must RENEE. I said anaerohicize. A Graaeeed JEANINE. Oh. What else did we do? PATTY. (Prompting:) Contact lenses. RENEE. Right! Contact lenses. JEANINE. Contact lenses. And we are totally responsible for con- traceptives. Which are really expensive. BRADLEY. Like we don't do for you. RENEE. What do you do? BRADLEY. Bulk up. JEANINE. For other men, BRADLEY. Wash, RENEE. That's it? BRADLEY. Like get those nose and ear hairs out, RENEE. That's the least you can do. BRADLEY. We use deodorant, After-shave. Gel! PATTY. (Still struggling to get out:) You don't gel! We gel! TRIBUNAL. The Pantheon has come to learn That Patty's stuck inside an urn The ideal girl wouldn't come to this The ideal girl has no hips. RENEE. Use your lip gloss! Use your lip gloss! PATTY. [ have 48 hours! The official weigh-in is Wednesday. BRADLEY. Who's she talking to? ‘TRIBUNAL. Irefer you to the by-laws Patty ‘We weigh when e'er we suspect a Fatty. RENEE. Get on the scale, Patty. PATTY. Rene least five pounds heavy! They’ send meaway! RENEE. (Carefully:) You never know. Scales sometimes have happy surprises. (PATTY remembers that the scale is tampered with.) PATTY. Yeah. Okay. (PATTY steps on t RENEE See? She may be on the border but she's still a citizen of our country. (The TRIBUNAL is silent for the moment. The girls look around.) PATTY. (Hopefully:) Are they gone? ‘TRIBUNAL. (Booming back:) (Gilence. PATTY goes to gether bag.)82 Wendy MacLeod TRIBUNAL. (Now just MONIQUE's noice:) Although I now live in the skies It doesn’t mean I don’t accessorize Return my necklace that you stole Or I will hur! a thunderbolt. RENEE. I'm totally sorry, Monique! BRADLEY. Whois she talking to? PATTY. You don’t hear them? BRADLEY. Hear who? PATTY. He doesn’t hear them. RENEE. Of course he doesn’t hear them. He's a guy. PATTY. Then why do we have to hear them? JEANINE. Poor fatty, she’s hysterical. PATTY, Remember, Renee? You told me. I don't have to do anything. RENEE. So? PATTY. So, maybe we don't have to stop eating! We can defy the ‘Tribunal! And Jeanine you can stop licking doorknobs and trying to exercise your head! JEANINE. There are muscles in your head! BRADLEY. Look, I don’t want any more girls dying over me. I feel Tike a serial kill is. I got some homemade Pad Thai in my bag, It turned out real good. You should have some. PATTY. I'll have some. (THE BRADLEY whips out a carry-out con forks arul offers it to PATTY.) RENEE. Stop the presses, Patty’s eating. imer and some plastic PATTY. I'm trying to learn how to do it. know how you do it. You can’t eat anything without Schoolgirl Figure i PATTY. Yes | can! (To THE BRADLEY:) How much does @ normal person BRADLEY. | just eat till 'm full PATTY. How do you know when you're full? BRADLEY. When I stop eating. (PATTY grabs a forkand starts eating to demonstrate.) Wow. haven't seen a gitl eat for...decades. Patty, when you eat you seem very... lusty. (THE BRADLEY takes the fork and begins to feed PATTY, alternating her bites with his.) JEANINE. I just got in touch with my long-suppressed nutritional needs. (EANINE digs in, trying desperately to look “lusty” in The Bradley's eyes.) PATTY. See how easy, Renee? Now you. You. (PATTY offers her the dripping fork, RENEE is repulsed by PATTY’s gooey mouth, by al the chewing, by all the swallowing.) RENEE. I can't. PATTY. You can! RENEE. I'm not hungry. PATTY. You're starving! RENEE. The sight of you eating is enough to make anyone lose their appetite, Patty. Before you dip your fork into that container again, 1 suggest you take a good hard look into a full-length mirror! PATTY. I did. This morning, I looked in the mirror on my closet door in fal ight and even though I knew I was on the double digit precipice I thought I looked pretty good. I looked like a woman. I looked like a mother who could suckle babies and hug away boo-boos. looked like a small-breasted version of Marilyn Monroe.a Wendy MacLeod RENEE. You look like Marilyn? Please. I've seen you without your clothes. You look like a Before picture. You look like a K-Mart shopper ina track suit! And you have a pasty white orange-peel shelf butt! JEANINE. Renee! RENEE. The odds of you joining The Pantheon are about the same as the odds of The Bradiey not getting a gut! PATTY. It's normal to get hungry. RENEE. If you really want o take your body someplace you have got to stop eating! You've never aimed high enough! And now you're settle for normal?! Jesus! Five pounds? What kind of zero- discipline failure can’t lose five pounds! PATTY. Later Renee. (PATTY gathers up her things and starts to leave.) BRADLEY. Wait up, Patty. (PATTY nods anc he joins her. JEANINE trails after thems.) JEANINE. I have a book about this. It’s called Breaking Free of Breaking Free of Food... BRADLEY. So Patty, you liked the noodles? (RENEE is left alone on stage. The lights go down toa single spotlight. Behind her we see a gurney being set up.) RENEE, No great be happier in the Midwest— parkas ide of sins, And as for The Bradley, he wasn’t he was just the tacky little statuette. The prize is actually...well, true story. Back in the days when I had muscles, 1 ‘would rent a patch of ice every morning before it was light and go out there and try to master my school figures. I would fiercely skate that figure eight, because down the pike the school figures would count for 40% of my Olympic score. I practiced them even when I was on land, for the water fountain, pressing my sneakers into imaginary blades. | spent the wee hours of my pre-pubescence obsessed with the Russian judge’s good opinion of my outside edge and do you know what happened? They did away with the school figure part of the competition. Just did away Because nobody camouflage am Schoolgi Figure = saw then, Nobody arte o see them. The audience just cared about the part where a skinny girl wears a skimpy leotard trimmed wit marabou and jumps around toa disco version of Carmen, What ean we lear fom this? Ym sory. forgot what Iwas going to say. si jt have leamed i in here ori it just me? Oh, know, what we! theres only Somuch i this world that we can contol so by all means Iet us control what we can, achieve what we must. Perfection. (When she spenks in thyme we realize she's joining the Tribunal of dead girls) If you're happy with who you are edleerly tne to raise the bar Now it's time for my good-byeses ‘To you poor girls of the larger sizes. (A triumphant RENEE looks at the audience pityingly as she gets on the gurney. The gurney taxis her out) End of Play