Love, Factually

The subject of love has troubled me since around the start of middle school. In the month

or so prior, my 10-year-old mind had its developing understanding of love ground into dust. My

father passed away from brain cancer, and I felt as though my love was unimportant if it couldn’t

save his life. I was surrounded by people professing their love to me and my family, and yet I

questioned whether we were better off without it. I’d pictured love as the solution to everything,

and now I only recognized it as an emotional bond that may or may not end in the severest

heartbreak possible. More recently, my belief in romantic love specifically was challenged. In

July of 2017, the person I believed myself to be deeply in love with proposed to me. I had never

fallen in love with someone before, and being young, naive, and in an incredibly dependent

relationship, I said yes. Not more than three weeks after the proposal they broke up with me over

text while I was in class, on my second day of senior year. They had decided that they were not

able to commit to me anymore, after relentlessly reassuring me that we were going to be together

for the rest of our lives. These events led me to not only reject love, but to question its existence

and value in general. While my idea of love has since improved, it is primarily due to my drive

and my efforts to better understand.

First, I sought to learn where “love” comes from, at least linguistically speaking. The idea

of “love” itself has an arguably timeless existence, however, the first noted recorded use was in

the Oxford English Dictionary dated to the year 86 A.D; and the common word originates

linguistically from the Old English words “‘lufu’..and..’lēof’” and the Old German word “luba.”

The word may also be traced back to the Latin and Roman word meaning “to please” through the

terms “‘lubere’ or ‘libere’.” Previously, the Ancient Greeks defined the different levels of love

they had observed, including pure and non-sexual love, passionate love, hospitality, and virtuous
love. While not all dynamics of love conform neatly to these vague categories, that can likely be

attributed to the obvious evolution of love, language, and culture since the Ancient Greek time

period.

Next, in the most literal of terms, I searched for the meaning of love. Merriam-Webster

Dictionary defines the term “love” as “1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or

personal ties, (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers, or

(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests.” The definition is vague

which is not surprising, as the word love tends to boast a specific importance to the vast majority

of people, providing each individual with a separately developed understanding.

This drove me to ask more objective questions to pinpoint what makes love commonly

recognizable, despite being so individually defined. Essentially, I asked a question that was

initially prompted in 1993 by Eurodance electro-pop artist Haddaway, upon the release of his hit

single “What is Love?” I know what the word means, but I now sought to learn what literally

constitutes the feeling. Scientifically speaking, all of our emotions are linked to specific levels

and combinations of neurochemicals. Most people experience the same feelings, or at least the

same neurochemical release, when it comes to love. The section of the brain called the

hypothalamus claims responsibility for creating and releasing several chemicals associated with

love, such as dopamine, serotonin, noradrenaline, oxytocin, and phenylethylamine, to create the

elevated heart rate, dizziness, talkativeness, and other common lovestruck sensations. Although

the feelings resulting from the release of hormones maintain predominantly positive effects, the

stimulating rush to the brain can become addicting, to the extent of creating a similar effect to

using cocaine Katherine Wu of Harvard University Science journal says, “addicts going into

withdrawal are not unlike love-struck people craving the company of someone they cannot see,”
which highlights that love can reach a state of psychological dependence. Managing this balance

is essential to healthy relationships.

The paradoxical opinion of love in our society is something that has always polluted my

opinion. Love ironically holds an association with both struggle and bliss, as the phrase “love is

hard” gains frequent use, yet society portrays love as one of the inherent goals of human

existence. Despite my own struggles with love, I still believe love is important, and is a beautiful

part of life. I have simply learned not to suffer endlessly for it. In my previous relationship, I

fought with my mother almost daily and was kicked out of my home due to my continuous

defiance of instructions in retaliation for her dislike of my significant other. My perception of my

mother’s parenting was completely warped by dependence on my ex, and it led me to act out and

become a version of myself I believed was authentic, and have now grown to be completely

ashamed of. My insecurity provided a need for me to be lured me into to this perceived safety of

everlasting love, only for it to be harshly ripped away. I felt my reality crumble around me

because I had essentially no one else in my life. I wasn’t just in love - I was obsessed. I wish that

I’d recognized sooner that a love full of constant conflict and distress is not only unhealthy, but

simply not worth it.

I believe that love songs can paint an unreasonable ideal of love, however, there are many

love songs I enjoy that are not unrealistic or subliminally toxic. The song “Loving Is Easy” by

Rex Orange County describes a very simplistic and low conflict definition. The artist sings, “it

used to be so hard to see. Yeah, loving is easy, when everything's perfect. Please don't change a

single little thing for me.” This quote depicts an open and accepting type of love, in which the

singer begs the subject not to change a single thing about themselves, and that the relationship

between them exists perfectly. The song continues, “when you can't even hide it, and it didn't
take forever to find it. I was all on my own, almost glad to be alone, until love came in on time,”

where the singer claims that finding the subject’s love was easy, and produced such an

overwhelming infatuation that the singer could no longer keep his emotions to himself. The lack

of love in the singer’s life had become so normal that he no longer craved love at all, until it

showed up unexpectedly. The popular illustration of love as being an unpredictable joy

reinforces the concept that love should not be forced or planned, and instead should occur

naturally through attraction and bonding.

I don’t want this to have an unhappy ending, and luckily, it doesn’t. Despite the damage

I sustained from my past relationship, I’ve gained experience and heightened my expectations.

I’ve learned that I deserve love that is healthy and secure. I’ve luckily been privileged to fall in

love again with one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. He makes me feel great about

myself without me being dependent on his constant reassurance. He is respectful to my family

and friends, and encourages me to maintain healthy relationships with them. Most importantly,

we can both recognize that we are both still growing up. Love in the form of romance is no

longer hindering the love of everyone else in my life, and instead has led me to flourish.

Understanding what love is and what it isn’t, whether through research or experience, is crucial

to falling into happy and healthy love.

March 2018.

“Love.” Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster,

ffffwww.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love?src=search-dict-hed, Accessed 09 March

2018.

“Origin and History of Word ‘Love.’” Origin and History of Word "Love" - Phrase Meaning

and

Origin, www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/23/messages/1061.html, Accessed 10 March

2018.

“Rex Orange County – Loving Is Easy.” Genius, 11 Oct. 2017,

genius.com/Rex-orange-county-loving-is-easy-lyrics, Accessed 10 March 2018.

Wu, Katherine. “Love, Actually: The Science behind Lust, Attraction, and Companionship.”

Science in the News, Harvard University, 14 Feb. 2017,

sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-

companionship, Accessed 09 March 2018.